KFC Radio - Bert Kreischer Will Make Hollywood Movie Stars Legends Again Ft. Jimmy Tatro

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

Timecodes: 0:00 Intro 04:03 Screen names 20:45 Sex is a treat and its sad when it's over 35:04 The Machine 39:57 Working out with Arnold Schwarzenegger 43:04 Making Hollywood fun again 51:21 We're leaking Bert's N*des 53:01 Bert wants to break box offices 59:54 Fully Loaded Lineup 01:01:12 Flexing Private Jets 01:06:54 Texting with Cam'Ron 01:15:39 Mcdouble F*** 01:21:42 Hitler Tea Cup 01:23:34 History of Pop Tarts 01:30:18 Arnold Schwarzenegger is too aggressive with comedy 01:35:58 Showering with other dudes 01:47:24 Amsterdam Round 2 02:00:16 Jimmy Tatro Interview Preview ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Barstool Store: Shop now at https://store.barstoolsports.com Sony Pictures: Get your tickets now! THE MACHINE starts Thursday with a special live show. Rated R. Phusion Projects: Go to drink piratewater.com to find pirate water in a location near you or order on gopuffYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Dude, the f***ing... You know what? F***, man the f*** up, boys. Let's do another shot. Man the f*** up and shower. And shower with your friends. Get naked in front of your friends, show them your d***, and own it. Own it, dude. Tickets are on sale for KFC Radio radio live click the link in the bio get yours come out and hang with the boys i got a good video of you of me oh no no dude i was just saying yesterday i'm a great not nose well apparently not

apparently not what's up guys how are you How you been man Good This is it huh Yeah It's dropping Can we get a little Yeah what are you looking for Something We got

I've been drinking all night On a fucking plane We got pirate water We got whiskey We got Cheetos I'm taking my shoes off Is that okay I'm fucking

I'm fucking I'm like I feel like we're in Someone's basement That's the vibe Yeah Yeah How was Joey Dude Tremendous He's amazing I mean I say that I feel like we're in someone's basement. That's the vibe. Yeah.

How was Joey? Dude, tremendous. He's amazing. I mean, I say that unironically. He was tremendous. People have been saying that. That's the first time for us. Oh, for real?

Yeah. We tried a couple times. Dude, you missed. You missed. Are we rolling? Yeah. You missed old school Joey. Well, this is crazy because new school Joey is pretty fucking awesome. Old school Joey, the funniest thing he ever said to me.

We're doing a podcast. I said, Joey, what was prison like? And he goes, dog, if you think black people are allowed in movie theaters. Joey, so my daughters only know him as their uncle they only know him because he's come to our house for every Christmas

and Easter for how long now I mean their whole childhood really so you've been you know decades with him

yeah the best is so Christmas Eve one year I'm really drunk and I and I pass out in my closet

and I get up and I'm like I gotta wake up it's fucking freezing out so I go I'm gonna jump in the pool so I pass out in my closet, and I get up, and I'm like, I got to wake up. It's fucking freezing out, so I go, I'm going to jump in the pool. So I come out in a Speedo. It's Christmas Eve. Everyone's around the house. Leanne, those big parties.

So I come out in a Speedo. I jump in the pool. Fucking Isla comes out, jumps in the pool. Georgia jumps in the pool. All the kids start jumping in the pool. Joey's daughter is maybe four at the time. goes runs up to the pool gets to the edge she goes no no and then joey goes go for it she pulls off her pinky ring she goes daddy holds it and jumps in the pool it was what a moment that was a really he was a really cool dude yeah when ari

drugged me uh I called Joey. I told him. I said that was my favorite story about him. Out of all of the shit he tells, the type of friend to just be like, I'll come over and pop it with you. Be there in five. Yeah. And then he sat with the sun setting over his shoulders.

It was like the one of those, I'm high as fuck, right? Yeah. And it's beautiful. The sun's setting over him. He's just telling story after story. No, dog, no one dies on podcasts. He's like a brother to me, man. When we did Fully Loaded, the first night, we're all getting in the bus.

In the bus, it's me, Big J. Oakerson, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Joey Diaz. I mean, it's just a who's who on this bus. And Joey starts handing out mushrooms to everyone. And then eats a fucking God's amount of mushrooms. Then gets in his bunk. Two hours later, we just hear, fuck this shit. Pull this bus over. I can't sit in no fucking coffin, cocksucker! Get me the

fuck out of here! Ron, pull the bus over! We had to pull the bus over and get him a hotel room. He had to sleep after that. Joey Diaz. You do an unbelievable Joey Diaz. That was... Joey's good. When you spend enough time with him, he's really easy to do.

He gave my dad marijuana for the first time. Cheers. I'm off until summer. Are you serious? I'm trying to get a little... I'm trying to tighten it up. Look at this. Look how fucking loose I am.

I got a movie coming out, and I'm the fattest I've ever been. But that's... Are you? Dude, I thought you looked good. I got a movie coming out, and I'm the fattest I've ever been. But that fits this movie. I thought you looked good. You posted a workout video or something like that. That's enjoyable. I wanted to – Bro, is there alcohol in this?

It says 10%, and I'm telling you it's at least 20%. You'll be feeling good after one. Okay. It sponsors our tour. We were in Dallas, and they refused to serve more than three. Are you serious? They told the staff, do not serve more than three of these in an hour. This doesn't taste like...

What do you got there? There's a banana. I don't have my banana mama. Bahama mama. I don't have my glasses on. I don't have my glasses on. I'm useless without my glasses. I started a burner account on Twitter.

True, bro. Because Rogan sent me something, and I was like, I want to read it. But I couldn't read it because Victoria has all my login for everything. They don't let me on anything. Smart. Yeah, he's really smart. He's really smart. But I wanted to read it.

So I clicked, and they were like, would you like to start an account? I was like, fuck yeah. Get a burner burner account check out all the people that blocked me so i didn't have my glasses on and i'm dyslexic i thought i got i thought i got oops i did it again but i instead i got oops i did it asian and, that's your handle? That's my... And then I realized I misspelled Asian. So I... Oops, I did it ASEAN. So I just... I had to kill it.

I had to kill it. Wait, it just assigned to you that? Or you... No, no, I just... I was listening to Britney Spears. I was like, oops, I did it again. I thought you were saying the... We've started playing the New York Times mini crossword.

And we've made it kind of competitive here. And I just said the link and it was like sign up. And I was like, sure. And then it just gave me a name. And it was Oreo 55. He goes by Oreo 55. And I was like, oh, that's funny. I'll take that.

And everyone else's name is just their name and mine is oreo 55 and everyone else does it in like 30 seconds he's also yeah he's embarrassingly slow bro it's a crossword puzzle that's this big it's like four words and it takes john like five minutes to do it every day it's crazy hard but it's just like it's like tommy 30 seconds nick 25 seconds 25 seconds. Blah, blah, blah. Oreo, 55, 7 minutes. Like I'm just a special needs dog who somehow got his way into the New York Times Crossroads. I've given myself every nickname I've ever gotten. You've given yourself every nickname? Yeah.

Oh, I had Edward Penislips was given to me by my fraternity brothers. That sounds about right. But B-Man, I gave myself the B-Man. When did you, how old were you then? It was my AOL. AOL. AOL. My AOL was B-Man, I gave myself the B-Man. When did you, how old were you then? It was my AOL. AOL. AOL. My AOL was B-Man Kills It.

And I spray painted that on the outside. I've tagged twice. Both times I tagged the exterior of a neighborhood where it says Indian Village. I wrote B-Man Kills It. And everyone who knew me knows me. And then no one who hasn't until I met this French girl. And she was like, yes, give me your email. And I was like, B-Man kills it.

She goes, oh, you're the asshole that tagged the thing? The other time I tagged. And when I was a kid, Beat Street came out. And I got a can of spray paint. And I was like, I'm going to tag this neighborhood. So I was like, shh, shh. And then halfway through, I'm like, fuck, I'm like i'm gonna tag this neighborhood so i was like and then halfway through i'm like fuck i'm the only burt in this neighborhood my dad pulled in and he goes uh

yeah no i had to write sucks cock i don't think dude my my first one my first like aol screen name was uh puckett i put as a hockey player puckett 69 yeah and dude I remember I was a kid I was in middle school Probably And I remember I had exchanged Some emails with my uncle

And he's like One of the first people I ever talked to He was younger Like on the internet And I remember him Coming to a hockey game And he goes up

And sits with my dad And they're talking And you know In between whistles You kind of look up And you see if your parents Are there and that kind of shit And I see my dad

And my uncle talking And I just see my dad's face turn and look at me. And in my head, in that moment, I went, he just told me what my screen name is. All right, homie. What the fuck is Bucket69? I was K-Dogs with a Z-98. K-Dogs. K-Dogs.

Oh, I got a good one. I got a good one. And I'm giving out my Gmail right now. I'm giving out my Gmail. But here's what's... Okay. So Leanne, one time, she sends an email to the head of the Girl Scouts for California. And the woman replies,

I got your email. Please, from this point forward, do not use what I can only assume is your work email. Please use an appropriate email to send these to the group. Leanne's like, what? She was sending it from my computer and I was logged in on my Gmail, and my Gmail is romeohorsecock at gmail.com.

RomeoHorsecock. When did you make that name? If you were a porn star, please stop using your work email. That's not your personal. You've got problems, man. When we were having kids, we were getting the sonogram. And they said, do you guys have names picked out?

For a boy and a girl, because they're about to tell us what we're about to have. And we go, we do. Leanne picked all the names. I've never named anything. Isn't that crazy? I didn't name any of our dogs. Did you have any input? No, uh-uh. She said, here's what the kids picked all the names I've never named. I've never named anything. Isn't that crazy? I didn't name any of our dogs. Did you have any input? No, uh-uh.

She said, here's what the kids' names are going to be? Yeah, and I didn't care. I was like, okay. I named my tours, that's it. I care more about my tours than my kids. I was going to say, that's symbolic. And they go, do you know what you're going to name? And Leanne goes, if it's a girl what you're going to name her and the guy goes if it's a girl we're going to name her Georgia

and she goes and if it's a boy and I was so nervous that we were going to have a girl because I didn't want a girl I wanted a boy I fucking really wanted a boy I was really pissed off initially I was like fuck now I'm so glad so i

could not be i could not be a boy dad that's like the standard reaction there's the vio video gordon hayward yeah like have you ever seen that gordon hayward i think he already had a couple daughters three daughters and like the fourth and he's like and they're like aren't you like thrilled and he goes yeah daddy's always happy and then he kicks the balloon but it's not even like an angry kick it's like like aff't you thrilled? And he goes, yeah, daddy's always happy. And then he kicks the balloon. He's like, fuck. But it's not even like an angry kick. It's like Affleck shutting the door. He's just like, god damn it.

Daddy's always happy. Defeated. And that was days after he signed a fucking $200 million contract. And it just goes to show that you're still a regular dude. It's like, oh, fuck. Yeah. I said I had two girls. You know what they call that?

Snake eyes. So the lady goes, do you know what you're going to call if it's a boy? boy and i was so watching for the it's either a hamburger or a hot dog i think is how you figure out the sex and i go i don't know i don't know what is it she goes it's a girl and i said and leanne goes no you should be happy i said yeah and she goes well what were you gonna name it was a boy and i just looked lady and i go romeo horse cock she goes what and i got something strong but romantic and i was so i had a hard time having girls i didn't want them i want a boy i wanted a boy really bad once you had one you like you were still i was no no no no no when i had georgia georgia turned me like i was like i was like oh yeah these little well but there's a lot of things like like when they get shit in their pussy like that's a big fucking like I didn't want

to learn how to do that Yeah, you gotta let learn how to get it out and it's like I was like I was like See that's the energy when you're like and you're and I even just changing them You're like like this is uncomfortable when it gets in there and you gotta this is a real fucking thing yeah you're using both hands you gotta well you gotta get it out you gotta like kind of floss it almost the first time i changed i wiped out the same way you guys do i haven't been there in a long time I haven't cleaned shit out of a pussy I hope not

in probably 16 years but I'll be back when Leigh-Anne gets old I'll be cleaning shit out of pussies dude I remember one day shay was probably like 18 months she we started her in in dance class like so early so she was a baby and she's in like a leotard and a dance tutu the whole get up it's it's it's it's uh spandexy and all that and i was taking her off i was taking off the changer and i i like did

something wrong and so i couldn't get the fucking leotard off and i it ends up like snapping and like slingshotting shit like like flying all over the place i was it was it was a scene i was like it was fucking everywhere that's what they that's what uh they call child protective services on me i told i told that story on twitter like on a thread i was like let me tell you a tale of like was fucking everywhere. That's what they called Child Protective Services on me. I told this story on Twitter, like on a thread. I was like, let me tell you a tale of a new dad trying to change a diaper. There was nothing bad other than

I was failing at changing the diaper. I had Child Protective Services called on me by some anonymous fucking whatever. I'm going to blow you out of the water right now. So Leanne, I don't know why Leanne wasn't on the plane. Oh, you were on the plane alone? Flying with the girls back from Tampa to LA by ourselves.

How old are they? I'm going to say four and two. Holy shit. I'm going to say four and two. We get on the plane, and I got everything organized. Girls are in their pajamas or their little nightgowns, their fucking princess and the frog nightgowns or whatever. God, I haven't talked about this shit in so fucking long. And I get them iPads.

I got them headsets, noise reduction headsets. I got my noise reduction headsets, which are custom in-ear monitors, so I don't hear a fucking thing. I get them sit down, comes through. Can I get a cocktail? Double jack on the rocks. Lady gives me one. Another double jack on the rocks. I'm smooth.

I'm cruising. I'm laying there with my eyes closed listening to Radiohead, and a woman taps me on the shoulder, and I look over, and she's talking, and I pull one ear out. I can hear her barely. She goes, your daughters? And I went, yes, they are my daughters. the shoulder and across the road and i look over and she's talking and i pull one ear out and i can hear her barely she goes your daughters and i went yes they are my daughters and i put it back in she puts she taps me again i tap and she goes your daughters i said yes those are both my daughters as i put it in she goes no no no no no no your daughters need you and i went huh i take this ear out and at the top of her lungs George is yelling I threw up in my vagina I threw up in my vagina

everyone around the plane is watching this she had thrown up and it landed in her vagina and I'm like she threw up in her vagina someone fucking help this kid the flight attendant came up and was like I can't clean up throw up and she's, I was like, I go, I can't clean up, throw up.

And she's like, they're your children. I go, I know, but I'll start throwing up. I said, I'm going to throw up and I can't get it out of her vagina in front of all these fucking people. Can you please help me? Another flight attendant, hot as fuck too, came over and was like, I got this. Took both the girls, cleaned them up. I think she brought me another drink. It's a hell of a flight to take.

Georgia flew home in my sweatshirt. I had a gray sweatshirt that I always flew with. Georgia flew home in my sweatshirt, no underwear, no clothes. I remember on the fucking, on the walkout, we're walking out of the airport and I'm like, mess.

And she goes, I have to poop. And I was like, what? She goes, I have to poop. I said, what do you mean you have to poop? She goes, I have to poop. I have chili bumps. I go, fucking chili bumps? What the fuck are you talking about, chili bumps?

She goes, Daddy, Mommy says when you have chili bumps, you got to poop. I go, baby, that's not how it works. You got to poop when you feel it coming out of your asshole. She's like, Daddy, I know when I have to poop. And I was like oh fuck okay so then now i got everyone in the fucking handicapped stall in the men's room i put her on and she poops like perfect and i go and she goes i told you i had chili bumps the next week i'm flying to washington dc i'm walking through the airport and i get chili bumps and i go i wonder if I have to shit.

I walk into the toilet, and I just shit. I go, how have I been doing it all these fucking years? And then I throw up in a lady's vagina on the plane. As soon as you said that, I was like, wait, that actually makes sense. I think I get chili bumps when I have to poop. I mean, I'll certainly try next time. I have not talked about having kids. I mean, I talk about my kids all the time, but when they were babies, I want to get

someone else pregnant. Bro, you see De Niro? De Niro's having his seventh kid at 79. 79? At that point, he has an 11-year-old. His current youngest, before this one, obviously, is 11 and his oldest is 46

dude if you're if you're 46 and your dad's Robert De Niro and he's still having kids you gotta like in his sleep vasectomize him yeah it's

cause stop that man I mean think about it so you just lost one seventh of your inheritance for a fucking kid he's gonna see for five years yo like

that is really true I didn't wanna be rude about it when I was talking about it on my video, but like, yo, your kid's going to grow up without a dad. I mean, like, it just is. Unless you look 230. There's a lot of dudes I know that have kids old, and part of you says, I'm jealous, and I'm not jealous. Like, Tommy's an old dad.

Like, I mean, not the oldest dad. What do you have? Well, his kids are kids, but no, he probably had them at 40. 40. Like Tommy's an old dad. Like, I mean, not the oldest dad. What do you have? Well, his kids are kids, but no, he probably had them at 40. 40. Because he's 45. I think he's 45 now. Yeah, his kids are.

So you're like, like he's not going to be able to be, it's different when you're older, but I'm jealous because I didn't have money when I had kids. Right. So they grew up broke. I'll tell you what though, man.

I mean, I don't have your kind of money, but I've got enough money that like my kids right so they grew up broke i'll tell you what though man i mean i don't have your kind of money but i've got enough money that like my kids have whatever they want and it's very hard to raise them to not be spoiled they're both they're both very nice kids but they just naturally are like i want this and i want that and can we do this can we do that because they get to do everything and it's like i don't want to be a weirdo and like withhold the the money and the and the fun and the stuff we can do just to like prove a point but part of me is like i don't want to be a weirdo and withhold the money and the fun and the stuff we can do just to prove a point. But part of me is like, I don't know. Maybe I should make you rough it for a couple years before we enjoy all the fun shit. We were very lucky to be broke most of their lives.

Yeah. Because they're very grounded, and they don't want to look like rich kids. Right. Although they are, and they don't know it. They do things. Well, sure. I mean, they're still. When Georgia turned 16, I said,

I'm going to give you my BMW 5 Series. Because we could buy it out for $30,000. We had leased it for four years. We could buy it for $30,000. It's a great car. We barely drove it. It's a fucking awesome car. She goes, I don't want it.

I said, what? She goes, I'm going to fucking pull into school looking in a 5 Series, dad. I'm going to look like a spoiled rich kid. I said, well, but don't want it. And I said, what? She goes, I'm going to fucking pull into school looking in a 5 Series, Dad. I'm going to look like a spoiled rich kid. I said, well, but yeah, but it's actually a good deal. And it's a car I don't mind driving. So that if we have an extra car, it's... She goes, no, I want an Explorer. I said, those are $52,000. I was going to say, that's not...

And she said, yeah, but that way I won't look like a rich kid. I said, so you want me to spend an extra $26,000 so you don't look like a fucking rich kid? By the way, the logic is mind boggling. The tuition at your school costs more than most colleges. Yeah, for real. Right. Oh, and Isla sent me a picture of her car. She goes, first of all, Isla's never going to fucking drive.

She will never drive a fucking car. Why not? I don't think anyone's failed these driver license tests she gave up and said i want a motorcycle now i go baby you still gotta take the driver's license test she's like fuck i mean she's just she uh she sent me a picture of a car she goes if you buy me this car i'll really study hard for the test. It was from an Instagram site called Vintage Broncos. They're $225,000. The OG Broncos are awesome.

Oh, you like that car? Let me say there's some Rolexes. The car OJ literally drove away in. White Bronco. That is hilarious, man. John, when you think of 3G, love it. What's the number one sport associated with 3G that you think of?

Oh, boy. Basketball. I would say that, too. Yeah? How about NASCAR? No. 3G is now unveiling their new Kyle Cush disposable vapes. Kyle Cush is in honor of Kyle Cush.

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I'd also like to explain the etymology of why I think it's basketball, because I'm realizing maybe it could be misconstrued. I think you hit a three. Oh, I thought it was just a bunch of basketball players like, let's get high. I think I heard the number three, and you hit a three.

I watched basketball last night. You hit three pointers. You hit a three-chee. I think you're a liar. I swear to God. Actually, I can't tell you why, but that's why I think. I think it's because basketball players like to get high. That's what I think.

I think every sport and every player. I was listening to someone talk about how the NFL is like you get tested on one day and we tell you ahead of time because they were like if they had strict testing there would be no league. The players flat out said that. You will not have a league if you try to stop this. Hopefully the rest of the world gets on board with 3G, the number one

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Promo code KFC15 for 15% off. Must be 21 or older. Please use responsibly. I had sex with Leanne the other night. How was that? I really other night. That was that. I really enjoy these. Miami wigs. Miami wigs.

You really? Let's see if that helps. Is that enough for you? No, that's not even remotely. Would you get them blue lenses? These are like barely. Miami Vice. Miami Vice.

Oh, Miami Vice. They're all like the tropical drinks. Miami Vice, Bahama Mama, Margarita, and Sex on the Beach. Yeah, you guys sent me a pirate's chest. Yeah. And so I was going to go open it on camera. And Leanne's already opened it. She opens it and rips it.

What's up here? And I go, baby, that's not for you to open. That's for me to open. She goes, well, it's right here. I had sex with Leanne the other day. And then we fucked. We had, like, legit. Good sex.

Dude, I mean. How often do you have good sex? Okay. I would say. And I don't mean. I would say. I would say... And I don't mean... I would say... I would say every time. But there's a thing I have... There's a thing I have where I...

So I'm really into treats. Pre-mature ejaculate. No, no, no. Oh, you know what? I'm quick anyway. But I'm really into treats. So I look forward to treats. And so that's how I build my business, really,

is that if I work hard, I get treats. Sex is a treat. I would sometimes, and I had to learn, I talked about this in therapy. I would start having sex, and I'd get bummed out because I knew I wouldn't have it again for a while. The second it started, I was like, so this is the treat. Really enjoy it. I'm not getting it for another week. And so I'd get through that. Some fucking psychological shit right there. In the middle of sex, worrying that I'm not getting it for another week. And so I get through that.

That's some fucking psychological shit right there. In the middle of sex, worrying that you're not going to have sex again soon. And when I had orgasm. So my purest orgasm is when I have it, my brain says wild shit. Like wild shit. Like salon selectives. And I'm like, what? Like salon selectives.

Rope horses. Rope horses. And I'm like, huh? So like Scott Zolak. Rope horses. Rope horses. And I'm like, huh? So, Scott Zolak calling a touchdown? Scott Bales. Scott Bales. Joe Pony. Yeah, great.

Joe Pony. Where's the beach? Shabu-shabu horse dance. It says wild shit, right? But I was, when I was having, this is really intense. But what I'm about to say, when I was having orgasms inside her, I wasn't, because I was losing my treat, because I knew that as soon as that happened, I was like, I'm not going to get this real well. I wasn't having real orgasms. She went into menopause, so she had to get off the pill, and so I had to start pulling out.

And man, pulling out's the shit. Really? start pulling out and man pulling out the shit it is it is because it forces you it forces you to be hyper aware of the orgasm yeah and so every fucking second and you want yeah and so you instead like when you just come inside someone you're just like but when you leave it but when you when you pull out you're like You're like At the last minute You're like Hold on I don't want to leave the party

And then It's a fun game To see just how long You can You know You can wait Like I don't want testosterone

So my loads Have gotten smaller Yeah I used to be like Blooka blooka blooka Now I'm like Is that because They're more frequent

Or something I don't know My dick's hard All the time Yeah That's what I would worry About testosterone frequent or something i don't know my dick's hard all the time yeah that's what i would worry about testosterone i'm like i don't need that i don't need any more of that i need less of that i love it i love it i love it so much you love being hard all the time shooting gear dude everything about steroids i love it yeah i love it like so you're just you're just like horned up all the time my dick was hard on the plane

yes on the plane you go jerk off no no i just i just i just all the time? My dick was hard on the plane. Yes. And on the plane, rock hard. Do you go jerk off? No, no. I just enjoy the fact that I have a hard dick. It's hard so much right now that I'm like, it's like a problem. That's why the internet sex the other night was awesome. Here's the funny part of it is that after I had my orgasm, she just goes right into business and hops off and then goes,

one, two, three, four, five. I go, what are you doing? She goes, I'm counting the months since I had my last period. One, two, three, four, five. And I was like, the fuck? Like, have a moment with me or something. You don't have that once you're done, you're done? See, I'm like Leanne.

I'm like, I'm back to business. Once you're done, you're on your phone? Not even on my phone, but it's like the stereotypical guy in a movie where it's like, oh, man, now you're going to lay on top of me? I don't want to lay. It's not that I don't like you. I'm not a touch guy anyway. I don't like to be touched.

I love being touched. He's been molested. When people touch me, I point it out like it's creepy like no like uh i was doing jimmy i was supposed to do jimmy kemmel for the writer's strike but i went in to do a bit with getimo and uh and the lady uh did my beard and then started rubbing my face and i was like i was like and i said do i go i haven't been touched in a while and she was like what because i was on tour i think wherever i was and she was like okay is this okay that i touch you i go no please i really feels good she was like oh yeah i'm gonna touch her and she just started rubbing my face and i was like oh my mother fucker

i was like because if you don't get touched a lot like if you're not like it's it's it's cool because i don't not everyone likes being touched you know like but you know some people go i'm a hugger yeah and then i like being touched but not no one touches anyone anymore yeah like it used to be back in the day people come up behind you go hey sugar how you doing yeah and you'd be like oh hey how you doing yeah man she rubbed my face and i just realized i hadn't been touched i've been touched like touched no one touches you yeah like no one touches like especially your face that's a vulnerable place i like i like being and this is gonna sound weird and maybe it's something i should explore i like being hit like like when a buddy comes up to me

like what's up baby yeah like that like i like? I like that. But I don't like someone being like, how was your day? This guy, if you asked to wrestle right now, he'd love it. I'm not that guy. I'm not that guy. Don't give me a dead arm. Don't fucking, well, we do nut taps a lot. But you want to massage my shoulders? What's up, boy?

And they hit me. I'm like, oh, what's up? But I don't like a gentle. massage my shoulders Come up behind me like What's up boy And they hit me like Oh what's up But I don't like Like a gentle So I don't like Matching energy So like Like

I've never been the guy Cause I don't know When fun is And when fun isn't Yeah So like I can't do that All of a sudden The play fight turns real

I'm a biter I like to bite Like I like to I like I love I mean I I bit my girls I bit Leanne.

Like, just got, just bite them on the shoulder. I'll bite Leanne on the cheek all the time. All the fucking time. Yeah. I like biting. Like, like in the moment or just like around? Bro, nothing I'm talking about right now is sexual. Sexual.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would bite the fuck out of my daughters. I'm fucking... Dude, there's things I think about. Like, I was... About having kids. Like, I miss... Like, I miss the little things.

Like, Georgia had a scar on her chin. And when she was, like... She fell, and it was bad. And it started to, like, keloid up and look bad. So I started putting Moderma on it every night. I miss those times of going into a room and go, hey, Moderma? She'd be like, come on in, Daddy. I miss that shit.

I should have another family. Bro, you say that, but you forget how fucking hard and crazy and shit it is. The second Isla came out of Leanne's uterus, and we went into that room. We had just had George. George was like, I want to say like 18 months old. Yes. And she was good. Yeah.

And then we had Isla, and I was sitting in the cot, and she cried. And I remember the thought. I go, why the fuck did I do this? Yeah. This is the biggest fucking mistake. We were good. We were fine. Little did I know that that cry said,

Daddy, I'm going to make you millions of dollars. That fucking lunatic. You know, she went out to dinner the other night. She's getting older, so her sense of humor is changing. But it's very direct and very like, she's in therapy. And I go, I want to talk to your therapist. She goes, oh, she would love to talk to you. You walk in, she's pulled out a file.

She went to therapy one time in the pandemic. Leanne put all of us in therapy. We're all in therapy, right? And so one time during the pandemic, I took her to therapy one time in the pandemic. Leanne put all of us in therapy. We're all in therapy, right? And so one time during the pandemic, I took her to therapy. And it was during the pandemic. And I was like, I'm not going to fucking go home. I'm just going to sit here. So I took my shirt off.

I lit a cigar. And I sat on the hood of my car smoking a cigar in the parking lot. Isla walks into therapy. And her therapist is looking out the window, looking at me, going, look at this lunatic out here. And Isla goes, that's my dad. Let's start there if the therapist needs any sort of proof for the stories wherever look out the window we were at dinner at vitello's the other night and she was asking me about my buddy uh croy who killed himself

and i was i was telling her this great story about when we became friends. I was best friends with his brother, and the day I really met him, he was in seventh grade, I was in ninth grade. We were all surfing, and it was a really poignant story about his spirit, his soul, and who he was. And I started crying. We're at dinner. I started crying as I told her the story. And she leans in, and she goes, oh, big guy, pull that shit together.

They're going to think i'm breaking up with you i would be so proud of that that's a good fucking joke yeah i got it i got you that is the bad i i'm very much like that, where I'm exceptionally sympathetic and empathetic when people are going through a hard time, but I'm the worst person. I just want to make a joke about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else do you want me to do?

I can say I'm sorry. I feel like a joke helps so much more than being like, I'm sorry. Right, right. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. This is the funniest thing she's ever said in my life. And no, it's not, it doesn't work well. We put down our dog, right?

It's a long story. I'm going to try to clean it up, make it short. I didn't cry the whole time until we had to take her out to the dude's fucking Jeep. And the guy put his hand in shit, in Priscilla's shit. And he was like, your dog's shit. And I went to pet her. And I went, it's okay, baby. I guess we'll kill her. And then I was like, shit and i went to pet her and i went it's okay baby and then i guess we'll kill her and then yeah and then and then i was like and then i

realized she was dead i started crying leanne's like tells the girls go help your dad so i'm crying we're carrying priscilla to this guy's jeep we put her in the back of the jeep and i'm sobbing crying i'm saying all the things you get to say to your dog once your dog passes i don't know just clean it up like all the little nicknames and give her all her little nicknames and tell her all the jokes i'm and i'm telling you none of the story that is good okay i'm just telling you the funny part i'm crying so hard and everyone's watching me and it's gone on a little too long and i was getting embarrassing yeah and it comes up and puts her hand on my back and says, hey, big guy, let's go inside. And then to seal the deal, to get me out of there, she looks at the woman and the guy that just put Priscilla down and goes, if she wakes up, you'll call us, right?

I fucking, out of a lot, I started laughing hysterically. We walked in the house and I was like, you guys know me. Georgia, as we were taking her to the back, they go to put her in the back of the Jeep and Georgia goes, she usually sits up front. And the guy's like, I sit up front. Georgia's like, but she'll get car sick. Dude, I've

broken these two fucking children. Yeah, I was going to say. They had no shot at being normal. They had no shot ever of being normal in their entire fucking life. That's a good way to be, though. Fuck. I'd rather that than have the kids who are a mess and don't know how to handle it. Just hit it with some humor and keep it moving.

That's life, right? I'm flying Georgia and a friend down to the premiere. Isla's coming with a friend to the premiere. They're not good with Hollywood shit. Like, they met Adriana Cechek. Did they know who she was prior to me? No. That's a good thing.

That's a good thing. They were like, oh, Adriana, I'm familiar with your work. That's an awful number for you. Yeah, Leanne met her, too. Leanne met her, too. You ever see the picture of me, Leanne, and Adriana Cechek? No. I don't think so.

That's amazing, considering everything. I i gotta be honest with you i love you know i'm a fan of adriana obviously obviously leon looks better in the picture wow hold on now if you're fucking in my opinion in my opinion like leon i just i think adriana looks great by the way i don't want to get into her, but I think she undid some of her plastic surgery. I think she took lip filler out. So she looks really pretty. But in the picture, it's on my Instagram. It's a picture of me and Leanne and Adriana,

and Leanne didn't know who she was. And we got a picture, and I'm looking at Adriana like that. But does she know the story? Has she heard? Can you guys call and say, can we have a threesome? She doesn't put the two and two put the two together yeah yeah yeah uh and and and adriana was fucking so cool she really was cool she was like she's just a cool fucking person i really i really like her but uh but leanne in the picture and i'm being dead serious i think you would say and i mean

this with all respect to adriana i think you'd say Leigh-Anne's classically prettier than Adriana. And I was like, I was proud of that picture. I was going to say, it feels good for you, right, bro? And I got a picture of Leigh-Anne on my phone the other night when we had sex in Santa Monica. She looked fucking awesome. And I was like, hey, can I get a picture of you? She never lets me take pictures nude.

Because she knows I will show them. You'll show everybody. And by the way, I almost showed it to you right then. And she looks fucking awesome. Did she let you take the picture? She knew she was feeling it in that moment. I said, you need to see what you look like. She knew she was like, yeah.

She was like, but what about my back? I was like, what? That's a bad spot. That's a bad spot. You guys are unbelievable. You two are the best. Best couple fucking in the world right now. You, I mean, this is it, big man.

This movie, when you think about it, is kind of like, I don't want to say the culmination because you still have so much in front of you. I might. Maybe not. Maybe not. I don't know. Maybe not. Listen, I would like it.

You know, it's the story that puts you on. It's the story that, you know. It's the story that grew your career and the podcast and everything. Now it comes to life. By all accounts, everyone is saying... This is a movie that could have sucked too. You know what I mean? When people do these kind of things,

if you don't do it right, it's like, he took it too far. He tried to turn it into a movie. It's like, no, no, no. It's that good. You got real actors and real people on it. You're fucking you showed me that trailer in

Amsterdam I think before it was out and I was like oh shit this is the real fucking deal I think for anyone who doesn't know I'll say I have a story that was very popular it kind of made my career I got involved with the Russian Mafia when I was 22

and we robbed a train. And this is not the retelling of that story. That's the reimagining of that story. So it is bigger. I've had a lot of compliments from people saying this feels like an $80 million movie because it really is. I can see that. We really put – And what was it? It was I think $30. Wow. Can. And what was it? It was, I think, $30.

Wow. And so. You can't do anything for $30 million. But like, I mean, the opening scene, I got emotional watching. So I was like, what the fuck? Like, it's a real movie. And it's an action comedy. And my goal is like, look, ultimately, I don't know how movies work, but like, we're in the movie theaters.

I want people to go to the fucking movie theaters. I want people to go to the fucking movie theaters. I want them to go to the movie theaters. I want to inspire people to eventize their Memorial Day weekend and say, let's plan a big fucking weekend. Let's have friends over. Let's go Thursday night and see Bert's movie. I want to eventize it because I want people to be thinking right now, what do I get when I go to the movie theaters? Because going to the movie theaters, we lost it during the pandemic. We lost it.

And we took advantage of it before the pandemic. And now, and by the way, it may be something that just goes away. But as a kid. No, I don't think so, man. As a kid who loved going to the movie theaters. Popcorn, soda. In the summer when it was raining. Yes.

And your mom's like, you guys are going to the movies today. And you sat down and you saw Ghostbusters or Goonies. It's a good blockbuster. Fucking Rocky IV. I mean just the fucking go into the movies. I saw Titanic in the movie theaters and it was like one of the coolest I saw. First movie I ever saw by myself.

By myself. I watched it by myself. I saw the Karate Kid by myself on accident. I was supposed to meet up with these kids I met at tennis camp and I didn't know them and I was like the outsider

and they were like come we're gonna see Karate Kid and I was like as a kid I was always like Karate Kid a guy that learns karate you think I wanna watch that movie and then

yeah and then and then I met I was late my mom dropped me off late I ended up sitting down by myself and watching The Karate Kid

which is a fucking banger the best it's a banger best movie of all time it's a banger you told me that you know and then all this

and then at the end I feel like Daniel because I I too as a new kid at tennis camp I just met these guys maybe they're the Cobra Kai

who knows and then when he kicks him I am I'm 11 years old, and I'm sobbing, crying. House lights come up. They're sitting in the row in front of me. And they're like, who's the guy crying? And then they go, it's you! It's you! Oh, dude, this is the funniest guy in the world.

I was like, I wasn't trying to be funny. That is a, you just kind of said a thing that I never really thought of before. That when you watch a movie, particularly in the theaters, and I actually was, pre-pandemic, I've always been a movie theater guy my whole life,

even more so as I got older. But that kind of hit a phase where I was like, I'll pay $50 to watch it at home. Certain movies. Because there's that second tier movie. There's movies you want to see in the theaters, and there's movies you know you want to watch on. Yeah. Because there's that second tier movie. There's movies you want to see in theaters and there's movies you know

you want to watch on the couch. Yeah. And there's that second tier where you're like, I'd see it right now, but I don't know how to put it all together. So I was like,

put it right to streaming. I'd pay $20, $50, whatever. And then they gave us that ability. I'm almost like a grass is always greener guy. Where the second I got that ability,

I was like, no, no, I've got to see it at the theater. And I stopped ever doing that. But I never thought of, I've never put this together with you where how you're now going to have the experience. When you go to a movie theater and you walk out, instinctively everyone walks out of the theater feeling 10%, 20% like that main character. They're finding something they related and then they walk out their chest out, being like, that's like me. That's like me.

It's going to be you. Everyone's going to be doing that, and it's going to be you. That's fucking sick. It's the old Eddie Murphy joke. Every Italian walks out of Rocky going, hey, I can fucking fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're going to see. I mean, this is a, no spoiler alert, but I'll tell you, this is a high action comedy where you're looking, and I worked out with Arnold Schwarzenegger the other morning. Hell yeah. Yeah, he was like, you're the next action star. This is what they look like.

This is where we're going. I think it's great. Really? It's so- Meaning what? They're fat now? Yeah. He's like, everyone looks like you.

No one looks like me. You're attainable. Everyone can be you. It's great. We worked out. We did sodas. And he's like, I love this body. You need to get a cast made and a mold made of this body and make a statue so in 50 years

you can look at this body and go, that was me. No way, dude. That's unbelievable. It was the coolest fucking morning. That's like bucket list. How did that happen? How did you get linked up with Arnold? My fucking wife.

All roads lead back to Leanne, man. I'm telling you. My wife's a gangster, man. She runs. So she runs. You got to come out to LA. I wanted you guys to come out to the premiere. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what? I want to be in Amsterdam. Are you really? When we came back, I was telling my mom how much fun it is. And she likes to take the siblings on a trip every year yeah and she said why don't we go to amsterdam this year and i was like fuck yeah let's go back so i'm going may 24th or 29th god damn it yeah well i said so we we uh we stepped up our game we joe rogan did we barstooled it and we built uh we bought a house and we built podcast studios all throughout the house. And we have a bullpen where we have about, I think, 11 employees that all kind of work for Birdie Boy Productions.

And Leanne is the CEO of the company. And, man, when you have someone that gives a fuck about things, it's the hardest tangible to find. Because no one needs to give a fuck. It's so easy to not give a fuck right but when you have someone who gives a fuck and we have like 11 people who give a fuck about ultimately about me which is insane they just care and leanne one day goes hey fortune's in a new uh tv show with arnold schwarzenegger uh coming out on netflix hey it drops the same day as bert i wonder if they're doing promo for it let me call Fortune let me see if I can do

do something with Fortune and Burt and Arnold and so Leanne just called Fortune Fortune's like you know I was talking to Arnold about Burt I'll give you his guy's number they called Daniel they sent some things over one of the ones was me talking about shooting steroids and what Arnold

was shooting and I mean we're just talking shit about Arnold being Tom. And I was like, he'll never fucking see this. And then he's watching. He's like, I like this guy. And then,

and then he goes, and then he watches the Kool-Aid clip. Yeah. And then he watches, and then he sees a clip of my calves and he goes, I like his calves. He's got great deltoids. I want to work out with him.

And then they're like great and then you meet Arnold and it's just someone giving a fuck and I have 11 they're all women but I have 11 women that work out of this house and so they just called him and set it up

and then next thing you know I'm at Gold's Gym in Venice Beach working out with Arnold if you're even remotely close to either of our generations, any age group, Arnold is like, I would go watch. So I'll tell you right now. I hope this doesn't sound cunty. I just want you to – don't look at the other side of the fence. Just look at me in this.

I want to bring lots of fun in Hollywood. So like Hollywood, everyone left. I love Joe. I love Tom. But they left. They turned their back on Hollywood and they went to Austin. They want to bring lots of fun in Hollywood. So like Hollywood, everyone left. I love Joe. I love Tom. But they left. They turned their back on Hollywood and they went to Austin. They want Austin. Let them live in Austin. That's totally cool. I live in Hollywood. I love Hollywood. I want to fucking bring the fun back in Hollywood. I want to put the

days where people rode down the red carpet in a fucking Harley, smoking a cigar, and then playing the harmonica. Like the fun. When you watch Arnoldwarzenegger be arnold schwarzenegger it's inspiring there's a lot of reluctant celebrities right now i don't i've never been like a celebrity like a celebrity celebrity but like there's a lot of reluctant celebrities who like i'm an actor i put in the work you know that fuck that i want to be a star

i want to be i want to be a star i want to be fucking hollywood fun did you see what burt did last night he got on top of the bar ripped his shirt off and took a shit in a pizza box i want those old school stories were fun jack nicholson snorting coke and getting on the fucking lakers that like the problem you can't i mean it's just you used to be able i don't care well that's it you can't yeah i got's just you used to be able to I don't care well that's the thing you can I got a clean conscious I got a clean conscious I don't cheat on my wife

I don't do coke the problem is you need you need people who don't care or don't have skeletons in their closet you know what I mean

I mean I got skeletons but not bad ones nothing bad I never hurt anyone I just say reckless shit you know like I just? I mean, I got skeletons, but not bad ones. Nothing bad. You know what I mean? Like, nothing, I've never hurt anyone. Right, right. I just say reckless shit. Yeah. You know, like,

I just say reckless shit. I'm a fucking moron. I'm a fucking moron. I'm a good guy. Yeah, but I'm no, and I don't, I don't have, I don't have ill intentions

towards anyone. You might be, like, able to lead that charge a little bit, though, because most people are good, and there are a few scumbags who it's like, yeah, if I were you,

I would stay off camera. I wouldn't draw attention to myself. I wouldn do i know dudes i know dudes who like hide themselves because right because they're like i don't you know if you look into this then you find this and that the other thing but if someone like you is like yo man like why don't we have a little fun at this red carpet we're both good guys who cares what the world says about us who cares what the headlines say who cares and then two do it and three four, you know. They go, do you want to do the red carpet? Do a premiere party? And I went, are you fucking serious?

Now, here's the thing. Like, a lot of people would just shy away from, like, a red carpet experience. It is weird. It's awkward. Sure. Met gala type shit. Yeah. But I go, fuck yeah yeah i want to premiere i worked

hard on this movie i've worked hard my life hollywood is built around that that was what when we were kids that's what you thought hollywood was the yeah and and then walking out of a limo and yep that shit now dude you look at like a guy like dave chappelle right he's done that his his way his way in a big fucking way you look at like guy like Dave Chappelle, right? He's done that. His way. His way in a big fucking way. You look at Dave Chappelle. I guess there was a story like he was listening to Kanye's first album and someone called him. It was a cool story, I thought. And they were like, what are you doing?

And he was on the phone. He's like, I'm listening to Kanye's new album. And they're like, what? And he's like, yeah, I'm in the studio. And they're like, it's not out. And he's like, I'm listening to Kanye's new album and they're like, what? And he's like, yeah, I'm in the studio and they're like, it's not out and he's like, I know,

I do dope shit and he just hung up. Like Dave Chappelle rolls over, Dave Chappelle's got that old school Hollywood fun. Like I remember hearing stories and I don't know if I'm allowed to tell these

or not, I don't know, whatever, I don't, I forget what I've been, or secrets, or not secrets. I remember one time

he like rolled up to the store and he grabbed Rogan and he was like, hey, you wanna come to a party with Rogan and he was like, hey, you want to come to a party with me? And Rogan's like, sure. And then Rogan's like, all of a sudden, 15 minutes later, he's talking to Lenny Kravitz. And it's like this huge Hollywood party.

Live that life. Why not? Yeah. I'm not, look. You got the fucking shot. Yeah. But I need, this is what I want. I'm being serious.

I want to be a fucking total sellout. I want people to come see this movie, and then I'm going to sign up to do Machine 2 and 3, and I'm fucking done. It's going to be my Rambo. You're never going to see me do a fucking thing where I play a gay guy and I get AIDS. It won't happen.

I want to be a movie. I don't want to be an actor. I want to be a fucking movie star. I want to be a movie star who does big shit yeah and and like uh fuck it that's like where my brain is right now because i ran into i saw edward norton at breakfast i was like dude this guy's fucking amazing i couldn't help myself the energy that overtook me he walked by me and I just went, Edward Norton! It's so fun! Why deny it?

I go to the middle of the country and I'm big in the middle of the country and people see me. That's cool, man. When people are like, I don't get starstruck, I'm like, why not? Then what the fuck are you here for? What the fuck? I just ran into Ryan Leaf.

I just ran into Ryan fucking Leaf, and I geeked the fuck out. Dude, his podcast that he did with Kevin Conley, that Kevin produced. I didn't see that one, no. Are you being serious? It's fucking amazing. It's a nine-part series about his addiction, his downfall, and his comeback. It is fucking amazing. He's awesome.

He'll clap back at people who talk shit. Yeah, no, I do that. And he'll just be like, yeah, but I'm still spending my money for my first contract. So go fuck yourself. Dude, I'm telling you, man. There's something. Derek Brooks came out to my show at the Amelie Arena when I was in Tampa.

And I just sat there and I thought, I watched you play so much. I met Stylebender in New Zealand. I ran into Stylebender. He came out to my show. And I was like, I'm sitting with the middleweight champion of the world. Like, let that sink in. This guy's the best one of him.

There's maybe a couple of him in the world. And I'm sure there's dudes that are like, man, man, good to meet you. I met that guy. I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would you not give a fuck? Why would you not give a fuck? Soak that moment in.

Enjoy that moment. Dude, I ended the night with me. Only you guys will attest that you know this is true. I have video. I'm sure I have video of it. Me and Stylebender challenged the whole bar to a fight. We stood up, took our shirts off oh that's and he's like sick he's like i'll kill every motherfucker in here for this guy i go i thought we were doing

a steve harvey bit i mean that's serious steve harvey said that about his wife marjorie so i was like put my name on god i'll kill every motherfucker in here and i started going table to table say you want some style benders behind me right say you want some. Stylebender's behind me, right? Say you want some. And then a couple tables were pretty big, so I went over to the women's tables. And I was like, I know I have video of this. I know I have video of this. And then I bought everyone in the bar a shot.

I bought everyone in the bar a shot. And then Stylebender and I went table to table and took shots. We probably made 20 shots. We did shots with everyone. But that's old school fun Hollywood. Yeah, that's nuts. There's not one person in that room that isn't going to remember that night.

That story they're going to be telling for the rest of their fucking life. Me, Stylebender, and Jared Hess, the director of Napoleon Dynamite, did shots with everyone in the fucking bar. I would go to a table

and go, do you know who I am? I would go, do you know who I am? They go, no. I go, my name is Bert Kreischer. Google me right now. This is the middleweight champion in the world. He would go to a table and go do you know who i am i would do you know who i am they go no i go my name is burke christian google me right now this is the middleweight champion of the world he directed fucking napoleon let's do a shot uh the curse of mcgillicuddy is a real thing you guys have not won a championship since then right since what since he like grew up and turned us down for the uh no there was one which one

oh i don't know about turning us down like that but he's an adult in one yeah but once once we tried to do uh the documentary yes yes he said no and he like almost had demands and i was like mark my words mcgillicuddy you got too big for your britches and boston hasn't won since the bruins are now out the celtics are on the verge. I would not be placing bets on Boston sports until that kid makes things right. You want to make some money? You can hop on the Barstool Sportsbook and fade

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If you've got a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER. But that's what, like, those are the nights. Dude, when I moved to New York, my first night here, I ran into David Lee Roth, Harvey Keitel, and Abel Ferrara. At Mary Lou's. At Mary Lou's on 13th. That's the fucking, because Keitel, and Abel Ferrara. At Mary Lou's on 13th. That's the fucking because no one, and everyone's like,

no, no, no, no, no. David Lee Roth was like, let me buy you a drink. I understand these people though. It's like that, it's going to make my life harder. It's going to make my life. Fuck it. Dude, if I was Pete Davidson, I'd have my dick pics on fucking. Oh my God. If I was Pete Davidson, I would have a whole, I fucking. Oh, my God. If I was Pete Davidson, I would have a whole.

I would Kim Kardashian. I would put out another sex scene with Kim. There was a time. There was an era of probably early 2010s where everyone was scared of the nudes leaking. Now it's just all fucking. We've hit a situation where I'm like, someone fucking do it. Please. I'll leak my nudes to promote the movie.

Why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't I? What about Barstool? Barstool will leak Burt Kreischer's nudes. I'm going to text him to you privately. You want me to leak your nudes?

Yep. Consent? I can leak your nudes? Yes. Done. Let's go. Let's go. I'm so in.

This is so good for all of us. This is good for all of us. That way I don't leak them, you leak them, but you got to leak them cool. And I'll just be like, go see the machine.

You got to leak them cool like when you guys are off camera. Here's how way I don't leak them, you leak them, but you gotta leak them cool. And I'll just be like, go see the machine. You gotta leak them cool like when you guys are off camera. Here's how I want you to leak them. Someone is in your green room where the feed's here but the audio's off and you hit Futter Burger and you're like,

oh, look at this. And then you show it to the room but it's me naked and that's how they get leaked. Old school Andrew Weiner days when the dude just started fucking Breitling whatever. Actually, Kid Cudi. Kid Cudi's fucking awesome.

He's awesome. He's awesome. Kid Cudi's fucking awesome. And he just, he's so awesome, and I'd like to almost steal his one for you, steal a move he wants to do for this. He sent out a tweet very recently where he's like, yo, I'm trying to leak my next album. And he was like, but I want to leak it old school.

He's like, I want to just give it to a fan. And then he's like, put it out. No, you don't put it out. That's brilliant. You give it to your friends. And then they give it to their friends. And it just goes that way. You know that's how this movie started, right?

No. The whole fucking thing. I mean, I know you know this. I know I've told you this. I've told this to fucking everyone. I tell the same fucking nine stories every podcast. It works, bro. And so, but the movie was sitting on a shelf.

It was sitting on a shelf. They didn't want to touch it because of the Ukraine and Russian war. No one wanted to touch it. And I went on Rogan and I texted a couple people i said i'm gonna leak the teaser on rogan and they were like huh and i was like i go i go hypothetically asking how much trouble will i get in well will you sue me for 30 million dollars if i leak the teaser on rogan i remember one of the people i won't say her name she was like hypothetically i didn't get this test I leaked a teaser on Rogan. I remember one of the people, I won't say her name.

She was like, hypothetically, I didn't get this test. And then I leaked it. I got in trouble. I definitely got in trouble because teasers and trailers are supposed to go through a commission. Yeah, you can't just show them. I actually remember the first teaser. It didn't have a rating. It didn't have anything. We just sent it to each other.

What do you think? I was like, I like it. I'm going to put it on Rogan. It got 12 million views on Rogan. It got 12 million views on Rogan. Secret time. I'm not sure. I'm giving you a little insight on Rogan's business.

In 24 hours, Rogan's business in 24 hours Rogan got 12 million views on it dude shared that info and then they were like let's do the movie let's go

yeah and then don't give a fuck about a war we're gonna make so much money fucking let's go $30 budget you're gonna make so much

so so I said someone said to me what do you want to make on what do you want to make on the machine opening weekend? And I was unaware what movies make. I just didn't know.

So I said $152 million is my goal. Was that Avengers? Yeah, it's Avengers. Avengers made $130. We might have to lower it a little bit, but not much, bro. No, no, no, no, no, no. Hear me. Listen to me. If you love Barstool as much as I love Barstool,

and you've been a fan as long as I have, back in the day, Saturday for the boys, like if you're a fucking fan, if you're a fan, then you'll appreciate what a fan is. You love these guys. You love the people that come on these shows. When they win, you win.

That's the truth. We all rock the gear. I wore fucking Barstool. I had a Barstool sweatshirt on before I started working out with Arnold, and they made me take it off because there's a Nike logo. Ah, motherfucker.

There's a fucking Nike logo on it. Support this movie. Let me make $152 million and then watch me fucking go out in a blaze of glory. Yes. See, that's the thing. I think also part of the problem is there's almost like a blaze of glory. Yes. See, that's the thing. I think also part of the problem

is there's almost like a negative view of celebrities where people don't want to support or they're rich or they don't like their politics or whatever. You deserve every fucking dime and I hope it's so much because you've done... We're not curing cancer

and all that shit, we know. But as far as this industry goes, you know, we're not curing cancer and all that shit. We know, right? But as far as this industry goes, you work so fucking much away from your family, so much entertainment. You say yes to everything, movies, podcasts, TV shows. I mean, like, if there's one time to throw a couple bucks and go do something, it's to go watch the machine. Even if, I got to be honest with you. I'm being dead serious. Even if you're like, I've got plans Thursday night, Friday night,

Saturday night, just buy a ticket. Yeah, just buy a ticket. Just buy a ticket. Go on Fandango, buy a ticket and fucking... Buy a ticket and then just be like, there you go, Bert, I got you.

Totally. We had a sellout the other day and a bunch of people didn't show up. I was like, whatever, the check's still cleared. That happened right after the pandemic cleared and we were back in theaters.

They were all sold out, but there were empty seats, but people were all sold out, but there were empty seats. But people were like, yeah, man, I support you. If you've ever bought a ticket for live comedy, here's the deal, and I hope this makes sense. Comedies and movies have gone away. They've disappeared. They don't make them anymore because they don't make money. Because quite honestly, our live touring is making where all the money is going.

All the money is, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you've ever bought a ticket for live comedy, support comedies in theater, in theaters, because then, I'm telling you when I say this, and I'm saying this selfishly, it has to sound selfishly, but I'm also saying this selflessly, is if this movie does well,

then comedies are greenlit for everyone. Yeah, totally. Theo Vaughn's got a comedy coming out next summer. I know Tim Dillon's. I actually know Secret Time. I know Tim Dillon's got one lined up. Same place I have it lined up. Same exact place.

Shane Gillis, are you fucking serious? You like Gillian Keeves? Shane Gillis will get $30 million to make whatever movie he wants, and all your favorite comedians will be making movies. All the people who say, like, where did the comedy go? It used to be super bad. It used to be old school.

It used to be Ron Burgundy. They're the people who can make it happen. Like, go see the fucking movie, and it'll come back. What happened is, a lot of those, look, I love all those dudes, but a lot of them were,

and this is what happened, is a little bit, Hollywood got a little political, and they started being like, yo, it's got to be woke. You can't say that word. You can't say this word. No, just be a normal fucking guy. When we did this movie, I was laying in my bed in Serbia and I was listening to Rogan. I don't know who he was talking to.

But he goes, man, fucking comedy suck these days. No one goes hard. Now, mind you, I'm starting shooting the next day. Next day, I'm starting shooting. And I'm like, and I'm looking at my first scene, and I go, it's not that fucking hard. It's kind of weak, actually. Really? And I went, it is.

It was really weak. And I went, fuck. I got up out of bed, and I woke my cousin Andrew up. I was like, we got to rewrite the first scene. We got to rewrite tomorrow's scene. It's just me really in it. You'll see. And wait, you did this with your cousin?

My cousin Andrew's brilliant. Fucking brilliant. That's very good. Brilliant. He's my cousin, but he's also in Groundlings. He's also, I mean, he's just brilliant. He's a brilliant dude. And so we sat up that night.

We rewrote it, made it really aggressive. And then we, really aggressive. And then we went in and we showed it to the director, Peter Atencio. We said, this is an option. Can we just do this as an option so we have both? And he read it and he goes, I like this way better. And I went, really? And then this is the beauty of how much fun this was.

I then said, hey, if we have this set, we should also maybe shoot more scenes in here. Because it's like, you know us. The way our brains work, you give me one set let me milk it i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna boil the calves and eat the tail yeah and so we shot another scene it becomes the end of the movie and so it's it's it was it was the fucking greatest experience of my life let's do another shot there's the greatest experience of my life it's so good the best thing I ever did in my career is bring you guys to Amsterdam. Dude, best thing you ever did in my career.

Cheers. God damn, you guys motherfuckers. I've been so good with this, and now I'm watching it, I'm like, maybe you're the one. How, when's your summer start? Good question. I think probably, I was going to go 4th of July, because June's not summer anymore. Why would you ever? Hold on, good question. Um, I think probably I was going to go 4th of July because June's not summer anymore. Why would you ever? Hold on, hold on.

So we're doing fully loaded out at Forest Hills. You know the lineup, right? It's fucking insane. Shane Gillis, Dave Attell, Louis Black, Bruce Bruce. We got fucking Bruce, fucking Bruce. Dude, the fucking Tiffany Haddish, Big Jay Rickson, Dan Soder, Rosebud Baker. We have the sickest fucking Bruce. Dude, the fucking Tiffany Haddish, Big Jay Wilkinson, Dan Soder, Rosebud Baker.

We have the sickest fucking lineup. When's that? At Forest Hills, June 21st? June 21st it is, though. I was going to say. That'll be the day.

June 21st it is. Do you know who? Secret time, secret time, secret time, secret time, secret time. Who's the big surprise? I think Kevin Smith's going to come out to the show. Oh, wow. Secret time, Arnold time, secret time, secret time, secret time. It was a big surprise. I think Kevin Smith's going to come out to the show. Oh, wow.

Secret time, Arnold Schwarzenegger is coming out to Traverse City, Michigan. No way. He goes, I said to him, I said, I'll get you a private jet. He was like, what? I said, I'll fly you out on a private jet. Take whoever you want. Yo, that is such a flex to be able to tell Arnold, I'll fly you out. Dude, a private jet. So, look is such a flex to be able to tell Arnold, I'll fly you out. Dude, a private jet show.

Look, people have to hear this. When you talk about, you were just talking about the disconnect between people shitting on celebrity and fame and money, because they do that to Kardashians and people. But then keeping it real as a comic. I got into a conversation with someone one time, and he was like, hey man, you can't post you on a private jet.

It's annoying. It's unrelatable. And I was like, yeah, but that's what people do. No, no, no, no, no. I'll tell you off air who it was. Tom and I have an issue with it entirely, with this one person who flies private and doesn't post it. And then he tells us, you can't post that.

And you're like, huh? No. And by the way, it's not Rogan. Who definitely flies private everywhere. Fucking everywhere. He has not been on a commercial plane in a minute. Rogan's got the bedroom in the back

for the fucking record. Two Rolexes, bedroom in the back For the fucking record Two Rolexes Bedroom in the back Baller His kids don't even know they're airports They're like wait what I'm joking The minute that you

Start hiding that is when now you're being fake it's like we did it up our school i'll call tommy right now i'll call tommy right now because this is our biggest fucking beef with those comedians or those are those people fraudulent you're once you're lying about who you are then you're a fucking liar yes then you're rich, you're – Once you're lying about who you are, then you're a fucking liar. Yes. Then you're a liar. Right. Now I can't trust you about anything.

You're selling out arenas and theaters, but you're fucking, what, taking a bus and flying commercials? Come on. Come on. No, you're not. They're not. And it makes us – it's crazy because Tom and I – I talked to Eliza about it. Eliza was open about not posting her on private jets and i was like yeah but i i said to her i said you know that just if you want to stay grounded like if you want to be really

grounded that's what a regular person does yeah yeah like a regular person anyone in here that's true if i put you on a private jet tomorrow would you post a picture yeah yeah it's not even a thought yeah it's like it's not even a fun it's the funnest thing you'll ever do and when you're paying for it you definitely want to post it so what I do

to make it I try to you know obviously like you keep in the back of your head the internet trolls that are gonna

fucking think you've changed or whatever so I always make a joke where I go I'll tell everyone to put it in their stories but as they put it in their stories

they go post this on your stories tag me in this I'm not allowed to post this I'll fuck around with it but in their stories, but as they put it in their stories, they go, post this on your stories. Tag me in this. I'm not allowed to post this. I'll fuck around with it. But I also take pictures on private jets. Dude, if I ever get a private,

they're so expensive. Why wouldn't I? Also, you fucking earned it, and people aren't stupid. And like I said, they can see that you have a world tour. They know how many downloads you should.

They posted how much money I made online. Right. They posted how much money I made online. I was like much money i made online i was like as soon as that happened i won't be wrong if you're like posting a video of like champagne overflowing and you're like acting like a dick to the fucking uh flight attendant it's like okay now you're an asshole but if you're just like i'm on a private jet i'm on a um i drive a nice car i wear a nice watch then i remember when when dave got really rich. Maybe not even really rich. When he got first a little bit rich. And somebody was like, you changed.

You're not the same guy you were. And he was like, I've always been this guy. It's just back then I didn't have the money to back it up and do the thing. Now I can just do the things and act that way. I was like, you're such an asshole. But god damn it if that's not true. I like the – Who wouldn't?

Louis has a bit where he's talking about it. He's trying to play it cool. He's like, so I was on a plane and I was in... I was in... I was in first class. I don't know. I have a better life than you. The way he said it. What do you want me to tell you? If you're honest about shit, then I think people relate to it.

I don't know. I could be totally wrong. I know I just do. I do. Also, listen. If somebody finds Bert Kreischer right now for the first time, and that's when they start, I don't know, they might think you're just some fucking rich, elitist Hollywood, whatever. But most people have ridden with you from at least, you know, if not the very beginning, the lean days, you know? So they almost want to see it. You know, it's like the trolls might be chirping chirping but the people who are working that shitty job who's like yeah you know burt's like just like me and he's the guy who got to go to the top and so fuck yeah you know i mean i i i would i would hope

that's how the the world works because that's how i look at the world and if and if the people don't fuck them i remember seeing i remember i'm not i mean shitty also i remember seeing anthony bourdain on a private jet and I wrote something shitty on Twitter one time. And then someone lit me up. I was like, who takes a picture of themselves on a private jet? Only fucking, he's changed. This isn't the guy I fucking supported. Mind you, I'm on Travis Hanna at the time.

I post this. Fucking 30 seconds later, someone posts a picture of me in front of a private jet with $1,000. What a dickhead. And they go, who posts it? You do. Yeah. You're right, man. You know, I don't think a lot of people think about, like, have I done that?

Because I did that. I really did that. Did you do that? I'm sure I tried to delete it all. I'm sure it was saved. I'm sure someone can find it. But, like, yeah, I am, to be accountable, I am just as shitty as the trolls. Yeah.

Right. I fucking think shitty things. Everybody's fucking sane. Yeah, everyone's a fucking. Here's the thing, is I'm not, I don't know fucking what else to say. I'm drunk. I was thinking that at the first. You can see that.

You can see it happen one more shot one more shot one more shot one more shot you know I'm doing drink champs on Monday you are?

dude I'm so fucking are you like a fan of Noriega and like yeah hardcore I mean that's gonna be

we just had Cameron in here you should have Cameron on two bags Cameron's what's going on with Cameron cause I saw him doing this thing like you can't cancel someone who canceled themselves

and he's wearing a suit is he like on he showed up here in a suit so we went to a Knicks game and we saw Jim Jones and Cameron together and I was like oh shit lost my shit bus driver got a picture with both of them

then I'm in Cameron's DMs. We've DMed each other. I'm texting with Cameron. For me, my era, I grew up. I was like, I can't believe I'm texting with Cameron. And he's being like, thank you for talking to me. I'm like, what? Dude, my Sunday in New York City.

I can't explain this to anyone that hasn't lived in New York City. There's a moment on Sundays in New York City, especially down in the village, where everyone's walking around and people are riding around and they're playing in their cars the song that's about to be a hit. Right? And it's hot. Girls are in sundresses. No one's wearing bras.

Everyone's day drinking everyone's had a couple cocktails in them and uh oh boy yeah and i and i heard that and i walked into tower records on over by aster place or wherever it was back in the day and i said uh the song was oh boy oh boy he jay-z did a remix to that and had a verse that was supposed to be on that song. And they got into a beef and Cameron deleted it. It's gone from existence.

Why would he do that? Cameron's response was so funny. Cameron's like, you really deleted it? And he goes, I didn't know the internet was coming. Jim Jones got shot in the fucking arm. Got shot in the fucking arm and went on tour.

Dude, that fucking dip set was like... Who was it who got shot and drove themselves to the hospital? I think 50 did that, right? No. 50 is an interesting guy. Yeah, but I... Oh, you're right. No. 50 is an interesting guy. Yeah, but I... Oh, you're right. It was someone in a Lamborghini, I think.

It was someone who'd already made it. That's like an all-time tale. That's a daydream I have a lot. Of getting stabbed or something like that. Mine's Rattlesnake. Mine's Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake and having to get myself to the hospital. Rattlesnake and having to get myself to the hospital.

Rattlesnake. And I show up and I'm like, what happened? Cameron. Cameron. I love Cameron. Cameron got shot and drove himself to the hospital. I thought it was Cameron.

Dude. He's in my DMs. Fuck, I would have asked the Cameron on it. Son of a bitch. I was better at rap stuff. God damn it. I was better at rap stuff. Said Eminem three times

before he you know what happened at the very end of the interview so I'm like a huge rap fan from that era I'm actually mad at myself for not knowing that

and John didn't grow up on that music so I'm talking about things like that versus Jay Z and all that shit and then as a joke

at the end he goes so Cameron you think the Bruins have a chance to win the Stanley Cup in the playoffs like obviously joking about hockey and they yeah and they start talking he's like

it would be funny if we had this guy be our hockey analyst on on because he has a show with mace that's why he's that's why he's out now it's him and him and mace are doing a show like steven a smith and skip bayless where they argue sports what it's like two yeah is that why he's in the show yeah that's why he's like yeah so he's like let me take this guy's number down he's gonna be like our hockey analyst so we're hoping that happens where it's like him and mace talking shit and then they're like let's kick it to the white guy to talk about hockey for a second he was great dude him and mace watch your back you and tom because him and mace are coming for the crown i'll tell you man man, there are so many. When you talk about duo comedy people, I'll see people online. I watched today this, I wish I had saved them.

I'd give them a shout out. It was a nerd, someone do the math. It was a nerd podcast with a big Latino guy, I think two black dudes but they're like into comic books and their their clip was black people are taking all the ginger rolls and they were talking about all the ginger rolls in in comic books how they replace them with black dudes and but their their energy was so positive that you were like i was like i i fucking i was in the car i go i fucking love these guys i love loving shit man i love me and shane gillis i was like, I fucking, I was in the car. I go, I fucking love these guys. I love, love his shit, man. I love me and Shane Gillis.

I was like, this is the best, right? I go, dude, we're talking about our Instagram algorithms. I go, my Instagram algorithm is all HBCU cheerleaders and fucking gay dudes. And he goes, gay dudes. I go, dude, gay dudes eating food. And, and Shane Gillis goes Dakota, right? And I go, Dakota, right? Dakota, right?

The guy's fucking awesome. Hey, bitches. Applebee's owner for to drink. I will be having. I DM'd the dude. I hit up two gay dudes. One gay dude and his brother in Australia. Scott and his...

Luke and his brother... Sasky's... Sasky's brother, Scott. Whatever. Sask and his brother, Sasky's brother, Scott. Whatever. And I hit him up and I was like, yo man, I'm a fan. Come to my show. And they don't know

who the fuck I am, right? They're like, okay. I don't know what accent I'm doing. So they come to the show and they bring a rugby team with them and they're like and it's an arena obviously and then they come back

and Sassy Scott comes back and goes I did not know you were this fucking big we should have sucked your cock or something and I texted him and I was like I can comp the tickets and I wrote back I can come for the tickets and he was like I'm not really sure what that means. Do you ever realize that you're at the point where you can pretty much make anything happen?

No, I'm not. I mean, you're pretty fucking close, dude. If you want somebody on your show or to connect with somebody or to have them come to your show or whatever, if you really put your mind to it, you can have it happen. If you want to make a movie now, after this, you're almost at the point

where it's like, whatever you want to do, you can at least get the ball rolling. I don't know about, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you where I'm at. I'll tell you where I'm at. I think you're going to end up in space,

by the way. I love it. I think you're going to end up in space. I would love it. I think Fats or Nots, I don't know how to say it. Fats or Nots. I'm buying a billboard.

I'm buying a billboard. I think you will end up in space. I'm love it. I think Fats or not. Fats or not. I'm buying a billboard. I'm buying a billboard. I think you will end up in space. I'm putting it on Hollywood Boulevard. Another decade where civilians go to space, you will end up in space. I will tell you this. I will tell you this. I'm at the point now where it, and this is, I'm not being, I'm being real. I'm being just real.

I don't know the other way to be right now. Where if I like a brand, the brand will come to me. That's what I mean. And then I can invest in the brand and do like a partnership deal. All of this. Everything is just at your feet right now. You ready for this? You ready for this?

And look, I know I'm going to probably ruin this deal. I know I'm going to ruin this deal. But I don't really care. Because you got to know. Because you like the brand. They don't need my help at all. They don't need my help at all. Pop-Tarts. No, dude at all. Pop-Tarts.

No, dude! Dude, Pop-Tarts hit me up the other day, and they were like, Yo, we love that you're a fan. Let's figure something out. Dude, I'll tell you. You ready for this? You ready for this? McDonald's came out with a new cheeseburger and Big Mac,

and I did a thing, video. They came out with a new cheeseburger? Oh, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are we talking about this? Because I'll talk about this. Yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait. So new cheeseburger? Oh, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are we talking about this? Because I'll talk about this. Yeah, wait, wait, wait. So McDonald's changed their buns.

Hold on. There's a lot to talk about. Yeah. Because I just got hit up by an executive chef at McDonald's who makes all the changes and said, hey man, let's get into the weeds

on the details on the new ingredients. And I was like, let's talk about the new fucking cheeseburger and mcdonald's i i mean there's just two brands that i'll i'm a ride or die for and the first brand that ever started this the first brand that started this was liquid death yeah liquid death hit me up back in the pandemic and they were sending just water to me and i liked it i liked it because i drank it quick And then I hit up the head of president of liquid death. And I was like,

yo man, I just like your shit. I just like it. I want to do something like if I, even if I do videos for you and he was like, well, you know, let's figure something out.

And we did some fun stuff. We did that workout video. And I just, I just liked their shit. I like it. And so it's like Rogan, Rogan. I remember Rogan one time was like, I did that with micropoly. I like it. And so it's like Rogan. I remember Rogan one time was like...

We did that with micropoly at Body Armor. Is that your water? Body Armor, yeah. But I love these fucking Pirate Waters. These are fucking really tasty. Four Loko and us got together, so it's... I knew it was fucking Four Loko. I knew it was Four Loko.

I fucking knew it was Four Loko. I swear to God, I almost said, it's like Four Loko, right? When you said they only allow three, I go, I've heard that before. There's only one other big dick in the industry that did that. It was where you tape them to your hands. Straight up, our boy Bert got loose on the show today. And that's all thank you to Pirate Water.

Pirate Water, if you need an example of pirate water at work this bird episode is the one came in hung over dragging ass really was like you know took his shoes off was sitting indian style had puffy face was kind of like oh boy we got to get through this cracked a pirate water cracked another pirate water cracked a couple more pirate waters and by the end was golden it's just it was said they were delicious i think he's quite enjoyable yep it was it was the best advertising for pirate water possible every time when whitney did it when burt did it when and when regular people do it when people take their first sip, I think people are skeptical.

Some people get confused about the water. We talked about that. They think it's actual water like the other canned water companies. Then they get skeptical like what is it? Is it a seltzer? Is it a beer? We don't know. And then they're unsure about the flavors, and then they take a sip, they all go it was very enjoyable so uh it looked

no further than the machine himself giving the cosine to pirate water one of the fastest selling uh alcoholic beverages in the game right now the goal is a milli a milli a milli we're shooting for a million cases this year and we are well on our. So make sure you're a part of that. Go to drinkpowerwater.com. You can find the locations near you that you can buy it in store, or you can have it delivered right to your door. Four different flavors, Bahama Mama, Margarita,

Vice, Miami Vice, Sex on the Beach. Cummins is in the 16-ounce cans. $2 a can if you can find them at the grocery store, the gas station, the corner store, the perfect party in a can. you can find them at the grocery store the gas station the corner store the perfect party in a can get pegged this summer as we kick off the summer dude as Memorial Day hits now and it's summertime officially for Pirate Water

we might hit a fucking million by September it's the official drink of Brianna Chicken Fry and her entire life and the bars she owns and the parties she goes to and everything else. So get down like we do.

Get down like her. Go to drinkpowerwater.com or get it delivered to you on GoPuff and get pegged. Dude, four fucking... Yeah, but I like that shit. So I can only do that with like... Wait, wait, wait. So this new McDonald's burger, what is it?

So they've changed the bun and they've made it – if I'm not mistaken, they made it a potato bun. That is clutch. It's clutch. That's a game changer. It's a game changer. They've put – they're trying to, if I'm not mistaken, for lack of a better term, supersize the Big Mac

and make it a little more in-and-out friendly. Yeah, I was going to say like – And I have both. Now, it's hard for me. It's like, pussy's pussy. When it comes to a cheeseburger, it's going to be good, right? But Big Mac's more like a blowjob,

where you're like, I hope I like it. I hope it's good. It can be too messy. Not a blowjob. But the Big Mac can be. There's lettuce everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the Big Mac delivered.

It delivered, and it felt like there was more sauce, in my opinion. I like the bun better. I really enjoyed it. We put it on Instagram. Is it still a triple bun? Yeah, triple bun. You know, the real secret mode is you can get Secret ingredients put into your shit

Like what? There's the McDouble fuck or something Yeah, yeah McDouble fuck What is the McDouble fuck right now for you? The McDouble fuck? Make that a thing This is what I mean, McDonald's will probably see this

And be like, let's make the McDouble fuck off the record McDouble Fuck would be... This is what I mean. McDonald's would probably see this and be like, let's make the McDouble Fuck off the record. McDouble Fuck would be... I would like... I got it. I want a Big Mac, but I want quarter pounder with cheese burgers, because they're bigger. And in the middle, I want Chicken McNuggets. There you go.

McDouble Fuck. And I want that hot mustard sauce in the center. Okay. With the, man, I'm getting hungry. It's amazing how that does that. I like the, if I can connect it to porn, because it's all the same for me, food and porn. The McDouble fuck with the two, that makes sense because that's your two dicks. And then the chicken in the middle is like the girl, like this.

Yeah. The McDouble fuck. The middle is like the girl like this. The McDouble fuck. The McDouble fuck. McDouble fuck. That's what really makes great sense. Travis Scott had his own meal. I think Cardi B had their own meal. You can have your own meal. See, that's the thing.

I'm not going to say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but okay, I'll say it. People of color seem to enjoy celebrity. They have that fun shit. Okay, I'll say it. People of color seem to enjoy celebrity. They have that fun shit. And white people seem to shy away from it. It's like, look at the Kardashians.

They love it. Travis Scott, I don't even know what he does. He's a rapper. I know he has a shoe. I know he has a shoe and a fucking incident, but I don't really know what he does. Drake, I couldn't tell you a Drake song in my life, but I'll tell you this. Yes, you could.

Shane Gillis would have sucked Drake's cock to go out to that goddamn party. When Shane talks about Drake. You see the saliva dripping from his mouth. He showed up in a full Drake outfit. A Drake jumpsuit. And we're like, what is that? He's like, I don't know, man. I saw Drake wearing it. I just bought it.

It was like a what is that? He's like, I don't know, man. I saw Drake wearing it. I just bought it. It was like a full Nike shoes. He started telling me a story about Drake and all of a sudden I caught him and he was making out with the window.

But I'm like the same way. Like, if I saw Drake, like Drake, I mean, Drake is fucking. So then what is it about this fucking,

these goddamn white people? White people are so fucking lame. You know who the only one is? That they're overanalyzing am I on a private jet when fucking... White people suck, dude. You know what it is?

They have so much, they have it too good so they find things to complain about. I think it's, you know what, that is the, the last bridge

of white privilege is to get white people to stop fucking thinking about themselves. You know what, too? Also, like, when somebody, like, succeeds, they are happy. They rally around you.

Good for you. When white people succeed, it's like, why isn't it me? And all that shit. That's so fucking true. That's so fucking true. A rapper makes it, a basketball player makes it, all these very stereotypical things that I'm saying and I'm going to get in trouble for. They make it and people are like, good. That's awesome.

That's the most fucking... That's so true. Hold on. Hold on. I found the caveat in that. A lot of times when they do succeed, they donate a lot of their money to their community and they bring people up and the white people just sit on it.

That's fine. Create generational wealth and then just sit on it. And then create generational wealth and then just sit there. By the way, Boosie's got like fucking YMCA's all over fucking Louisiana and I'm just sitting on

fucking four houses going, why isn't anyone celebrating me? Yeah, I'd go to space. Yeah, yeah. Would you say if I'm B or I could go to space? I, yeah. I could save up on a computer. Or I could go to space.

I'll save up on flint and water. Anyway, the Fat Astronauts billboard's going to be on Hollywood Boulevard. I'm so disconnected. I forgot I was white. I forgot I was white. For a second, I thought I was Filipino. I'm sitting here going, what happened to us? Oh, fuck me.

Oh, that's so fucking funny. Hilarious. Dave Chappelle seems to be having fun. Meanwhile, Dave Chappelle and LeBron are setting fucking schools up in Ohio. And I'm sitting with Tom Spending buying him a race car. Can he just buy you a Nazi cup.

Why won't it be us? Why doesn't anyone celebrate us? Fuck. Hey, guys, I hate me too. I got a text from my buddy the other day. Captain Collins is his name. He works at Parsons. Pour me another one so I can match yours. He's a veteran of war

and he played quarterback at Army and he'll tell you that. But he texted me. He said, does Bert Kreischer collect Nazi memorabilia? And I said,

well, it's an interesting question. And I sent him, literally, I'll show you the text conversation, like 10 text messages poetically being like, it depends on your your lookout and i

said technically tom segura collects nazi memorabilia but who owns you know back and forth back and forth is a funny thing but yeah i mean those are the things that when you're spending twenty two thousand dollars on a on a hitler t-com the world's not gonna celebrate your money so so clarence thomas enjoyed dinner when he came over? First of all, he spent $20,000. Secondly, when people go, what do you think about cancel culture? I always go, I don't really pay attention.

I hope everyone understands that my words are always meant to entertain you. Whatever I said is fucking wild. There's a lot. There's one episode where me and Tom took turns trying to think of the most cancelable things to say so that they could clip it out like we took turns going back

and forth and then when we got done we're like was that a good idea and then we're like i don't know it made us laugh but we hope that you understand our words then but then i always wake up with the fucking, inevitably one day, someone's going to see me holding Hitler's teacup. Inevitably. And I'm going to be like, and I'm laughing hysterically. It's going to be cut out.

It's going to be cut to the point where he goes, there's 99% chance that the cup you're holding is the Fuhrer's. And I start laughing hysterically. Also, with about a million clips of you talking about Hitler to back it up. So when you go, no, no, no, it was just a gag thing, and you're like, did you know that Hitler did this?

Well, did you know that I was a beekeeper? Yeah, yeah, I know. I mean, I'm listening because of you, man. You never stop talking about what was that. Well, hold on. That's not my fault. That's history. That's Noiser's fault. They've got a history podcast. They have a history

podcast where they do uh they do dictators it's so good and they have like 19 episodes about hitler and two about kurd's bekistan it's like fucking it's not my fault i listen to when i sleep that's why i got into pop stars you know that right i was laying i got into bed i'm on the history podcast and history channels got this podcast history channels do you step up your game history channel honestly i pair up with someone and get your game better because you're not doing it right people are slapping you they got a podcast called the foods that made america okay and they talked about the history of pop-tarts now i'm i'm taking the day off. We're on the road, but I got off the bus. I got a hotel room.

I took a Xanax. And I was like, I'm going to sleep all day. I'm going to sleep all day. I got in the room at 9. And I woke up going like, God damn it, I want Pop-Tarts. Like, really going like. So I got on Amazon. By the way, what's your favorite flavor?

Strawberry. Strawberry or grape? I agree with that. Grape? Strawberry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a big fruit flavored. I'm not a brown sugar.

They have a grape one. I can tell you this. I bought the sampler back. They sent 12 Pop-Tarts to me. 12 sets of Pop-Tarts. My mouth's watering as I'm telling this story. And so I ordered 12 things of Pop-Tarts to be sent to our house. And I just wanted Pop-Tarts.

I get my bunk that night. We're going to the next city. I have a couple beers and a little hit of a joint, and I go to see what podcast I was listening to last, and it's Foods That Made America, and it's explaining the history of Pop-Tarts. And it's about Country Squares was Post. Post came out with Country Squares, and they were so braggadocious, because there was a war back then, that they did a publication announcing Country Squares. We've got Country Squares, and we're going to revolutionize breakfast food.

Nabisco's like, fuck, or whatever the other one is, Kellogg's is like, fuck that. We can beat them. So they put their best scientists down to come up with something to compete with Country Squares. And they did. Pop-Tarts. The key to Pop-Tarts was the holes in the top. Because when you bake a pastry, it inflates. So they put holes in the tops and they put a paste on the top.

And they put them out and they sold out within a week. And I had been listening to this as I slept. You wake up. Someone smarter than me at Barstool realized this is the next business plan. I listened to this while I slept and I woke up. I must have had dreams about

Pop-Tarts and I bought fucking 12 rounds of Pop-Tarts. Subliminal, man. Subliminal, man. Let's start selling dreams. I love it. Me and you, we pair up with Calm, the app, right? Sure.

They're a big, good podcast sponsor. They've been awesome. Yep. That lady that does a hi and welcome to Calm. Yep, yep, yep. Make sure you're next in a comfortable position. The sleep apnea machines? Fuck that.

No, no, no. Fuck that. Did you see my sleep apnea machine? Yeah, that's the thing. We got to find a way to make it so it doesn't affect you. It needs to be a part of your pillow. Yes. Because then you get all the oxygen and your brain starts dreaming like a motherfucker.

I need it to be a cage. Right. Just like, yeah, you put this thing down around you. Up to my waist? It shoots air in my nose? Instead of a, yeah, you put this thing down around you. Up to my waist that shoots air in my nose? Yes, instead of a, yeah, yes. That can happen. Dude, my sleep apnea machine, the nozzles, so when air goes in, these two little flaps open.

And then when I breathe out, they close. So my ears pop. Yeah, you can't have that. You can't have that. No one's going to be able to sleep like that. Dude, I couldn't do it. I gave it to Isla to try it, let Isla try it. And she was like, it's making me crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you figure out the way to make that okay, you get the best sleep of your life. And you dream. And we take down whatever your brain waves were thinking. And we fucking subliminally sell it to you. And then we fly private everywhere forever. What would you rather? Be able to fly private anywhere forever?

Or to sit comfortably in a coach seat skinny as fuck and jacked where you go, actually, I don't have a problem in coach. And then you're just jacked for the rest of your life too. And you're jacked. You're just in great shape. You see someone like you who flies all the time. I would probably just take the jet. I'm not on planes as much. I would rather just be like I can sit on this couch without awkwardly putting my feet in the air.

I take jacked and coach all the time. I'm 100%. I'm so uncomfortable. I think we were just talking about you the other day, right? We were talking like if who was it? Not you, because you're in shape now. Fucking asshole. Someone else like you the way you're built, even if

you're fat, you look good. Was that you? Yeah. I'm like doughy and floppy. You're just like You look good. People like me. Was that you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm like doughy and floppy. You're just like a bigger guy, and it's okay. And then when you get in shape, you look even better. But someone like me, it's like, ugh. I delusionally think I look good.

Like, I don't look at my bad things. But I just want to picture you on Good Morning Football. You stand next to Devin McCourty. You look fucking great. You said it before, but your calves, your shoulders. I follow Jamie Rudolph. She tweeted it. Okay.

Literally a minute ago. I was like, wait, Chess did that. I was like, wait. I don't know how you do it, man. First of all, I'll tell you the key. If you are a young man and you like partying, here's the key to life. Be punitive. Be punitive.

The second you wake up, punish yourself so you don't deserve anything you're getting. If you're punitive, you'll be the greatest dude alive. You'll be sweet to everyone because you'll always feel like you're privileged to be anywhere. But more importantly, you'll wake up and go, I got to charge at it today. And that is the number one thing I wake up with is, damn it what the fuck did you do last night let's go after it this morning and i get up at 6 30 every morning i work out hard like fucking aggressively like i just got a new trainer so i'm even working out even harder now and then and then once i do that i know that i can do everything for the day it It's the treats. It's the treats. It's like I burn it in the morning.

Like the other day we did five AMRAPs, six AMRAPs. No, five AMRAPs. Six-minute AMRAP, five-minute AMRAP, four-minute AMRAP, three-minute AMRAP, and a two-minute AMRAP. Each switching up. And before that we did seven rounds of squats, like heavy weights. With Arnold, man, the little bit of working out we did we just did back and chest and buys the what it was so cool to have him coach you and go hold it hold it let me feel

this back oh look at this back so what i i go through like meathead phases which i'm in one right now. Yeah. And I've done that my whole life. And when I was in like high school, college, me and my buddies were in a meathead phase. And we used to watch Arnold. Like I wouldn't be able to work out. It would be a dream to work out with him because we watched it so much. Have you ever seen it?

Like his documentary? Pumping Arnold? When he's like – when he's talking about how it's like coming for him. The pump is like the cum. It's like cumming. Dude, we would just do that. I get to cum every day. That's all we would scream.

Like from like ages 18 to 24, any time I worked out. I'll tell you the best thing. It's like cumming. I'll tell you the best thing he said. He said a lot of really cool things. I don't know how, I don't know. We shot it but Arnold's pretty interesting.

He didn't want to do press. He didn't want to do press. He just wanted to hang out. And he's like you can use your phone or whatever. So like it was cool in that it wasn't there was no one. No

industry there. No fucking no grossness. Just like you're hanging out with Arnold and Fortune. Me, Arnold, Fortune. And he's promoting technically his FUBAR. His new show on Netflix coming out on FUBAR. It's brilliant. He's fucking brilliant. You know why he's brilliant?

And I don't mean this like I hope I'm not sounding too fluffy. But he goes to me, a guy he knows that is a big self-promoter and knows that I talk and all I've talked about is Arnold's show FUBAR coming out Memorial Day weekend on Netflix the guy's a fucking genius also the machine yeah oh yeah my movie also is in theaters but check out Arnold's movie with full fortune and but he goes he no so everyone can shoot on phones, everyone can shoot, whatever.

He's an amazing, amazing dude, but the one thing he said that I thought was really funny, the two things, well, a couple. One thing he said that I thought was really funny, he goes,

I would love to try comedy. I was too aggressive. I think it's my mentality. Milton Berle said, Arnold, stop burning. You need to singe, not burn. Because Milton Berle gave me a joke. He said,

hey, the guy you're talking about for roasting is overweight. So go up and go, hey, this guy's a little overweight. He says he's retaining water. For me, it looks like he's got Lake Mead in there. And he goes, and then i go up and i'm a little too aggressive i go look at this fat fuck i can't believe he doesn't have a wife this

fat fucking piece of shit what the fuck he's going to die young and he retains water he was dude he was like he was he's the ultimate get. I'm being dead serious. I mean, that's up there, man. That's a name that like, you know, we've had plenty of names come by. But there's still always someone who's like, oh, I don't know that person. Or I haven't seen that. Like, there's nobody who has no Arnold Schwarzenegger. I actually wonder, do you think the kids do?

Like, do your kids know? Like, were your kids impressed by that? Of course, I lost it. Like, he translates. The first thing I came home, I goes, what was Arnold like? Well, we had watched, we had like? We had watched Pumping Iron. Me and I watched Pumping Iron. And I had to explain to her, you got to realize this is the beginning of weightlifting.

He was the one. He ran away from the Austrian military. If I'm not mistaken, he stole a tank to compete in a bodybuilding competition in the 40s. No, not the 40s. The 60s, 60s, 60s. The Austrian tanks were pretty busy in the 40s. They weren't doing weightlifting. They weren't doing weightlifting.

He is the beginning of weightlifting and then and then we watch conan the barbarian yeah and then and like and it's just like you forget like predator man i mean he lived the life yeah dude the you you thought think talk about working out with him made me think of a gym which made me think of a locker room which just made me think of the story i just heard last night which i feel like you'd fucking love. I've been thinking about it. I saw it at 1 a.m. last night when I got in bed, and it's all I've been thinking about all day. I don't know if you know the hockey

player Joe Thorne. One of the greatest all-time. Unbelievable player. Big Jumbo Joe. A clip came out on the NHL Instagram from the All-Star game this past year, so it's an older clip, but it's Mitch Marner talking to Eric Carlson, who's on the San Jose Sharks. Mitch Marner's on the tournament on Maple Leafs. Jumbo played for both

teams. And so they're sitting there on the ice and Mitch Marner's like, hey, so I guess Joe moved back to San Jose after he retired. And he's like, hey, so I hear Joe's still coming around, huh? And Carlson just starts laughing. He goes, yeah, he comes in just to shower. And I was like, that's the most for the boy shit I've ever

heard in my life, dude. You want to hit the ice? No, man, I'm good. I'm just here to shower. i was like that's the most for the boy shit i've ever heard in my life dude you want to hit the ice now man i'm good i'm just here to shower what time's practice wrap today i'll be there to shower with the fellas oh that's fucking birdie boy all day i got that energy all day all day go back to high school What's up fellas Fellas What time to skate today I'll be there I'll come shower That's what you miss right

You miss the competition to a level But then you miss the camaraderie No if I can still shower with the fellas Come on dude We used to do party showers in the bus So if someone was in the bus It was a very small shower. If you got in with them, it was a party shower, and you couldn't contest the party shower.

This is what you definitely had to stop doing after Me Too, right? We did it after Me Too. Dude, we used to have showers. I remember in hockey, I started showering with my friends when I was like a mite, which is when I was like eight. This has just changed. You know, like dudes don't show each other their dicks anymore. It's dead. It's the most fun I've ever had in my life,

and it's the most fun I'll ever have. It's just everyone... When the white guy comes in, and everyone goes, man, you're really white, and then on the ass, and you're like, oh shit, my hand showed up,

and then everyone smacks him and he's covered in handprints shout out to trip holes he's a doctor now he's a cardiologist and i'm certain that traumatized him yeah i gotta study yeah bro we had a kid called we just called giraffe because if we pulled his dick it would just look like giraffe stripes all down it and we'd be like give give him a giraffe neck. And he'd pull it out, and the whole locker would rub. Dude, dude, dude. The fucking.

You know what? Fucking man the fuck up, boys. Let's do another shot. Man the fuck up and shower. And shower with your friends. Get naked in front of your friends. Show them your dick and own it. Own it.

Shout out to Tripp Holtz and Thompson Rankins. Thompson Rankins and Tripp. No, no, no. Not Tripp Holtz and Thompson Rankins. Thompson Rankins and Tripp. No, no, no, not Tripp Holtz. Truett Gardner and Thompson Rankins. Truett? Truett Gardner and Thompson Rankins. This is the realest story. And I apologize.

I know you're both grownups. They were in ninth grade. I was in eighth grade. We were playing JV football, and we got done practice, and it was time to shower, and I was uncomfortable. I didn't want to shower. And they were the coolest fucking dudes. They go, dude, come in your boxers.

Don't worry about it. You can wear your boxers in the shower if you're uncomfortable. Truett Garner and Thompson Rankins said to me, quote unquote, it might be easier if you give your dick a name. And I said, what? They were like, they

were ninth graders and I was an eighth grader and they were like going like, this is something you're going to have to do. I was going to Jesuit the next year.

Next year I was like with all naked dudes. And they were like, give your dick a name. And I was like, I don't, I mean like what do you mean? And they go, give it a name, and then you maybe

feel more comfortable with it. And I said, John Henry. I named my dick John Henry that day. That's my name. It's literally his name. John Henry. Are you serious? It's John Henry. I named it after you. Out of all the fucking names in the world, the last one I expected. Are you serious? Other than Kevin Francis, it was John Henry. That's so funny. I had fucking names in the world the last one I expected are you serious

other than Kevin Francis it was John Henry it's so funny I had a joke in the machine in the machine my Netflix special where I met a girl at Georgia's first grade when Georgia was in like first grade this woman came up to me and she said

you have a boy or a girl and I said a girl she goes I have a boy she goes what's her name I said Georgia a girl. She goes, I have a boy. She goes, what's her name? I said, Georgia. She goes, my son's name's John Henry. I go, I know John Henry. She's like, really? Is he a cool guy? I go, he can be a dick at times. I forget the joke. Do you still call it John Henry?

I still call it John. My dick's John Henry. Truett Gardner and Thompson Rankins. I hope someone gets them in this video. I'm being for real and I wonder if they remember this we showered in our boxers the three of us at the Berkeley Prep

shower and I named my dick that day I never thought of naming my dick and these were dudes who showered with other guys but they wore boxers and we all showered in our boxers because I was uncomfortable and that camaraderie think about this how many people have i fucking met in my life truett gardner and thompson rank is i'll never forget their fucking names because they were

they were the guys that were bros they were bros going like go hey man if you're uncomfortable being naked we all shower in our boxers and i was like i'm a little uncomfortable and they're like come on well go the three of us went in our fucking boxers this manhood this doesn't exist in this fucking generation it'll never fucking exist the fucking empathy yeah for being a bro and going like dude i got you yeah and then you know and then we went to jesuit high school everyone was naked and i was like fuck john henry you ready he was like he was like take me into a stall and pump me up a little bit I was like I got you I gave him a little helicopter

I got him a little hard and then I walked into the fucking shower I'm like this is the best I got and then you just look for the guy with the smaller dick you're like I'll shower next to you but like that like Peter my assistant you know Peter Peter's not cool around nakedness.

And I don't get it. And it bridges into like inappropriateness because I just go, I go, the fuck, dude, we're bros. Like we're dudes. I don't think, like I don't care. I don't care. I hope you don't care. Like I'm just, I'm getting, I'm changing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I just, we were at NFL Networks, and I had underwear on under my jeans, and I was losing my shit. I was going to say, you never do that. And I was like, well, because I had a tracksuit on, and apparently they said, everyone can see your dick in a tracksuit. That might be true, yeah. And I went to testosterone, and my dick was hard. Thank God I wore underwear. And I was like, I need to change out of these underwear.

And the girls left, and then Peter left. And part of me was like come on but i understand and i understand that people are uncomfortable with naked dudes but like dude i saw my dad naked i talked about razzle dazzle yeah my dad got in the shower with me one time because i was taking too long and he had to go to work i I was in ninth fucking grade. I was in ninth grade and I panicked. I tucked up between my legs like Silence of the Lambs. And I've never, I thought he was having a stroke. He was laughing so hard. He goes,

He got out of the shower. Maggie! You drove yourself to school thinking about it. Dude, I remember seeing my coach's cocks. with your legs and you drove yourself to school thinking about it dude I fucking dude I I remember seeing my coaches cocks

think of all the dicks you saw my coaches cocks I saw all my coaches cocks I remember the first time my coaches showered with us I was like oh this is a new bridge

we were like I was like probably a sophomore in high school it's a new twist we had just like wrapped to be we had like

I went to high school we had like weird shit and we had spring training in Florida. And so we were in spring. We were like the school had the month of March off. And then all the sports teams would go to their own spring training locations. And baseball would go to Florida.

And we were staying at some compound. And there was just one group shower. It was like a dorm. Everyone had their own rooms. But there was just one group shower, prison style. And we were in there, like the boys laughing around, sliding around, all that stuff. And just both coaches walking together. And I was like, oh, this is adult dick in the room now.

This changes the tone a bit. Someone brought in a cock. We got penises here. That's a cock. Dude. So true. To this day, there's probably... We got dicks that have been to war in the room right now.

Literally, what was the bet? That cock is flying to war, dude. I rolled the dice last night and asked Leanne if she'd ever suck in her son's service. I can't even get another one back. You don't want those kind of answers, man. Well, we were doing, so we do something's burning out of the house that we do. And so, no, no, no, the new house, we built a kitchen, and so we do it out of there.

And Leanne's like, well, we should do more cooking shows. She's got a friend, Sandy, who English is not her first language, and she wanted to do a cooking show called Faking Make-Believe because she makes Asian meals that are cheat codes, and then she makes them in like 10 minutes. So it's like a real Asian meal, but you make it in 10 minutes. It's what Asian people do. Instead of ordering out, they just make it the way their mom taught them,

real quick. So we did an episode yesterday. It's the first episode. We're going to do more. It's really fucking funny. But they have their friend Kat on it. Kat's like fucking beautiful, fucking production design, whatever she does. She's like a fucking hot English.

And she goes, I dated a French guy. It reminds me of having shag with a French guy one time. And I went, was he circumcised? She goes, no. And I went, ugh. And then I said, Leanne, you ever suck one of those dicks? Not realizing. I just thought it like, you know, like you're a host.

And Leanne goes, ugh, no. And I went, thank God. That was a close call. I didn't want to know that answer. Do it all. I remember we were dating. We were dating. We were dating.

We were married. We were married. We had two kids. We were dating. We were dating. We were married. We were married. We had two kids. We were watching a Bernard Hopkins fight. Oh, Jesus Christ. And Leanne went, he is attractive. Oh, no. And I went, Bernard Hopkins?

She goes, if that's the guy. I mean, I'm not going to say I'll ever cheat on you, but that's the guy. And I realized I'd never asked asked her she had fucked a black guy not that it mattered but it it's just it's just a question and i went have you ever have you ever fucked a black guy and we're married we have two kids and she goes does it matter and i went i don't know i don't think it does. It may.

It may. We'll find out, I guess. I go, why don't you wink your answer to me? And then she said, no. But Bernard Hopkins is her guy. And where do you went? Well, part of, no, no, part of me, because part of me was like, she didn't have the right jungle fever. She had Bernard Hopkins jungle fever.

You'd think she'd be like, yeah, T.I. is a good-looking guy, right? Someone like Cameron is a good-looking guy. But she was going, Bernard Hopkins spent 15 years in prison. What the fuck is she into? It's so polar opposite to me. Me and Bernard Hopkins share one thing. I swear to God, we share one thing. Do you know what it is?

Leanne. Does anyone know what Bernard Hopkins and I share? Name. The machine. What do you mean? Bernard Hopkins copyrighted the machine. No way. Oh, shit. Yeah, he's the machine. What do you mean? Bernard Hopkins copyrighted the machine. No way! Oh, shit.

Yeah, he's the machine. That's so... Isn't that crazy? So you can't have that like that's not... I don't care. I made my money. I'm good. I don't need the copyright.

We're good, Bernard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me, you, and Albert Pujols. That's a good company. Yeah, I'll take it. I'll take it. Fucking... God damn it.

Dude, I got to say, I mean, we could do this forever. I could do this forever. I could legit do this forever. What time is it? It's probably been a couple hours. 12.45. That's it? Wait, what time did we start?

11? 10.45. No, we started early. 10.15. Yeah. So two hours. This weekend, Memorial Day weekend, the biggest event in our industry this year, the premiere of The Machine,

Bert Kreischer's biopic is finally out. I say biopic. I think you're an idiot. Yeah? Yeah, because I think it's a biographical picture. No, I get it, but biopic. You're thinking of myopic. Probably.

Yeah, it's a biopic. But, you know, you could say biopic. Maybe I say biopic. I think you of biopic. Probably. Yeah, it's a biopic. But, you know, you could say biopic. Maybe I say biopic. I think you say biopic. One of them is right. One of them is wrong. Yeah. Yeah, it's biopic.

That's how things go. No, it's biographical, so it's bio. It's not biopic. Biopic. Biopic. That's a good biopic. But that's what it is. This is not like, yes, it's a good biopic. That's what it is. This is not, like, yes, it's a fun party movie,

but this is the story of Burke Reicher, which I know we think of as being this fun fucking goofy guy, and he's one of the boys, and we never thought of him as an actor or making, or like a person worthy of, like, a

biopic, but when you think about it he is i mean the story he has and the way in which he rose to prominence and how open he's been with talking about his father and his family it's more than worthy of a movie you know and i think and it's a great it's a fun one dude it really is like it's not like other comics who are just like oh i'm big right now let's do a rom-com with some with some network with some studio and i'll just get the bag this is like his story told his way with he's a good actor he he's very good and i've heard and maybe it's a little different because i actually was explaining this to my mom the like people say playing yourself is really hard yeah i could see that but i can i

think for a comedian because you're always playing yourself totally it's always a character if you was an exaggerated version of what i was surprised with how good he was was like there's a scene where uh they're like in the middle of a crazy you know like russians are almost murdering murdering them and mark hamill his dad is still being like nitpicking in an asshole and he goes like he says something like dad would you forget about the motherfucking you know whatever and it was like that was so natural that was like how you would yell at your dad like you motherfucker just shut up and it was like that was not acting but it was acting and it sounded very real the the opening scene is right off the rip i think you can tell when he's like acting but it's like it's clearly based on his family and the way he's talking about his daughter is very real so it's like good acting it's a good story it's cool the way they tell it with the flashbacks and then it also has the

silliness and the stupidity and the craziness. There's some violence. There's great language. There's over-the-top storytelling. They nailed it. They really did nail it. And I think – I know that people – straight up, yes, if the movie sucked, I would tell you, no, no, no. It's great. Burt nailed it.

There's no lying here. Luckily, we didn't have to put on a front and be like no it's it's awesome uh it's it's a very fun one and i think it's gonna make so much money i think this is gonna be a smash and i think it's gonna be very big for the whole like industry podcasters comics everybody so uh be be a part of it if you ever listen to two bears or birdcast or whatever be a part of it. Be a part of the movement. Prove things out. This helps prove to the studios that these kind of movies work and that can lead to TV shows

and all sorts of shit where people give leash and give a budget and sign on to do work with comedians and podcasters and internet influencers and all that. So this weekend,

Memorial Day weekend, it drops. Go see it live. Go see it in theaters. And also Bert is doing a live stream up until the release on Thursday night is the live stream. So there's a special live show. I don't know exactly when time that starts, but if you go to Bert's social media, you'll see that. So get your tickets now. It's rated R.

Go to the theaters and enjoy the hell out of yourself. Hey, for real, for real, for real. I'm being dead serious. I fucking love you guys. I love you too, man. Since we did Amsterdam, when we did the Chinese New Year, good luck New Year, we did that toast and all that shit. It's been a good year.

Razzle Dazzle did better numbers than I've ever done. For you, for us, the year has been unbelievable. And I never have good luck. So I don't think I would have had it if I didn't go over to Amsterdam and do all that stuff. How about this? Let's do this. You ready? Hold on.

Shot. My man. Good job, buddy. I said we do this You ready? We do a produced event We rent out a hotel in Amsterdam next year We celebrate Chinese New Year's Done

We should do that almost a year I was going to say We should make Chinese New Year's a yearly thing Let's add Amsterdam to it too Let's do everyone. By the time we're all dead, I want Amsterdam to be. Hang on. Don't interrupt us.

You realize. You realize. Do a co-share. Barstool Birdie Boy. We do. We make it like we do my cruise. We sell rooms. We sell events.

We go to the same fucking restaurant we have the whole fucking place the robot waiters the robot waiters we do the whole everyone wears red and we make it a fucking event we make it a fucking event by the time we're all done i want a comedy show every night everyone gets there in boats yep we do a big fucking event we do a big fucking event oh this is a fucking great idea who are we fucking great idea. Who are we bringing with us? What comics are we bringing with us? We got to bring Shane Gillis. He's the best.

Shane was the first one He is the best fucking hang in the world. Shane Gillis. Dude, this is a fucking real thing. This is... What are you looking for? I'm looking for an adult

to stop us. You're on the adult. We do a big fucking Chinese New Year's because I'm telling you right now I've had the best year of my life my razzle dazzle razzle dazzle

not to humble brag by Will and thank you everyone for watching it so my Hey Big Boy came out during the pandemic it came out March 17th stay at home orders were on the 13th the numbers were through the roof. Something to the effect of the third most watched special ever. Something to the effect of that.

I'm not bad at listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Razzle Dazzle did double those numbers. Holy shit. And I'm telling you, it's a lot of things. It's a lot of things. It's a lot of things. I think a lot of things. But I will say that more people talk to me about flying you guys to Amsterdam than anything.

It was the coolest move ever, dude. So many people talk about it. This is our first time hanging since then, right? Yeah, it is. I mean, it was a legendary move. It was a legendary fucking hang. And we had a blast. Since then, pen's gone

public everyone's doing better i mean i think the proof is in the pudding john wants a new uh new skit show episode three just dropped really which kevin actually said at the dinner at the dinner table i think you have it on camera he's like barstow's gonna have a hit sketch show and it's a hit it's a smash dude it's a smash, dude. It's a smash. My pitch is now you can use this for content for when we go on sale. If you want luck like we've had, then meet us

in Amsterdam for Chinese New Year's. It'll be a fucking blast. And we do that every fucking year. The machine does 102 million. By the way, we're in control of our own luck. If you think about it, if you want luck like us, then buy tickets to the machine. Yeah.

There you go. Keep watching the show and watch this show and make the luck better and then know that luck's coming your way when you come to Amsterdam with us. Yeah. Now, there'll be a couple of lucky guys like Mark Smalls who had a low-dose overdose. And we lost him. A couple casualties along the way, but hey. A couple casualties.

Freedom isn't free, baby. And I'll tell you what, this is how we play. We do a small group. I think it's a small elite group. We don't do a huge group. We can't do like 2,000. You can't ruin the vibe. It's still got to be a good hang.

We're going to find out the right way to do it. It's going to be a nice – it's just a pre-sale, no general on sale, a nice small pre-sale, get a solid group of guys. And what we're going to do is we're also, with that money that we get, we'll make no money. And I know you're not going to like that. You're not going to like that. But we don't need to make money.

It's about luck. Right. You said the money comes with the luck. The money comes with the luck. What we want is the luck. We want to be lucky with you. And what you will get is with the money that we generate from this, we're going to hire a couple celebrity cameos to show up in the middle of fucking events. Just like we got with Kevin.

Flying dildos. A couple with Kevin. Flying dildos! A couple of celebrities will be catching dildos and everybody wins. Kevin was texting me probably like two weeks later. I forget. We maybe talked about it on a show

or something like that. And he just went, man, what a night. And I saw it. I popped up my phone with the name Kevin Conley and I was like, oof, this might not be good.

I don't know if he knew he was in a... We're telling the story to everybody. I dropped the facade. I told someone. I was like, oof, this might not be good. I don't know if he knew he was in a, we're telling this story to everybody. I dropped the facade. I told someone, I was like, Kevin fucking Conley.

I mean, that's the best part of the fucking night. He just walks in. He just walks in flying dildos, snagged Mets, 82. He's like,

and I opened my phone and I was like, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy boy and he's like man that was a crazy night and i was like yeah like wait did i shoot a choppy just goes fucking unreal story gonna be hard to tell the wife but i was like as long as he wasn't like he wasn't angry he was just acknowledging he's like yeah that one wasn't told freely we should do that we should do that we'll do a big show i bet they got an arena there we'll put on we'll do it we'll do a big show. I love it. I bet they got an arena there. We'll put on... We'll do... Jeans? Yeah, definitely.

Oh, you are bleeding. Because I'm going like this a lot. We'll get like... What do we think? We'll get five comics. Sure. So we'll do three, an intermission, and another three. And we got to bring Maddie Smith.

Yeah. Yeah. I think the original gang has got to be in. Yeah. Right? Bring the original gang plus a couple new every year. And you get the people, the fans who really want to get down. That has got to be in. Yeah. Bring the original gang plus a couple new every year, and you get the fans who really want to get down. That's going to be sick.

It's going to be fun. What's our number? What's our number of fans? 100? Well, you want to do an arena, you said. I don't need to. We'll sell the arena anyway. Right, but you want to call it 100 fans that can go.

What's our price point? What are we going to bring? I was going to say 200. I think 100 is better. 200 is better. You think 200 is better? Okay, fine. 200 is better.

200 is manageable. You know what we're doing, by the way? What? For the Machine promo next week. What? We are renting out a theater, and we're getting how many? 50 or 100? 50.

50 guys. We're all going to pop our tops off in the movie theater. And eat ice, pour popcorn and shit to do a promo movie. pop our tops off in the movie theater and like eat ice like pour popcorn and shit to do like a promo movie I think it's we have like a casting call but we have

oh oh oh Sony paid for it we're making like a commercial so that was that email but we also will get to see the machine early

so we're going to screen the movie theater at the theater but we're we're very excited it's going to be it's going to have a screening of it at the theater but we're very excited it's going to be the vision of the commercial sketches when it comes to the machine I want you to think

about it as if someone's talking about your dick just be kind I don't know what other people are going to think I know how I feel about it but I just go just say it was big it was awesome it hurt at times and I cried I want Just say it was big, it was awesome, it hurt at times, and I cried.

Amen, brother. I want everyone to love it. I want everyone to enjoy it. I want everyone to go to them fucking movies. I want you to go to the movies. I want you to make a date to go to the movies. I want you to think right now about what you're going to order. What's your order to movies?

Popcorn, Bunch O' Crunch, and a large Coke. Put the Bunch O' Crunch in the popcorn. I don't do that. Popcorn, I do both in the popcorn. I don't do that. Popcorn, I do them both in the hand. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't get enough. Right, right. Popcorn, Bunch O' Crunch, water, mangoes. Dried mangoes.

Oh, God. Don't get him started on the mangoes. You really are on a diet. Dried mangoes. Bro, bro. It's actually movies that got me on. I've been eating tons of dried mangoes because they sell them at the theater. That's what got me into dried mangoes oh yeah it wasn't like it was like 60

servings of mangoes a week yeah yeah wreaks havoc on your digestion yeah you're like isla isla fucking eats mangoes like crazy with hot sauce white people are just getting on the mangoes dude these white people are fucking slipping right dude i had kate kate who works here at barcelona she's like i just saw your thing about all the mangoes. Like, my son loves mangoes. He's obsessed with them. And now his dad's got an obsession with them. I was like, Central America, South America have been telling us about mangoes for centuries.

We're just getting on them now. They're unbelievable. Imagine how much it's just, oh, I'm drunk. You could see the thought coming into my head. Imagine how great it would have been to be an imperialist who conquered countries. And you're like, their women are beautiful and half naked. And they have mangoes. I see how the cake made me.

My order is popcorn with peanut M&Ms inside the popcorn as soon as I get it because I want the peanut M&Ms to get warm. Yep, yep. And then two hot dogs in my pocket. No. Large Diet Coke. Two hot dogs in my pocket. I'll do the nachos every now and then and they get an extra cup of cheese because they don't give enough. You get two cheeses?

I get two cheeses for one set of nachos. So the chips are like covered in the cheese. I love when the chips get soggy. Oh, yes. They're not even crunchy anymore. They're not even cheese. I love when the chips get soggy. Oh, yes. They're not even crunchy anymore. They're not even crunchy. I love it. I want, like,

one of the coolest things we ever did in the movie theaters, and I'll wrap this up soon, guys. One of the coolest things we ever did in the movie theaters, we saw the treble feature, which is three, the three movies of Pitch Perfect.

Oh, hell yeah. It was awesome. Dude, that's great. I love Pitch Perfect oh hell yeah it was awesome we went at like 10 in the morning and we watched three movies of Pitch Perfect and then they played the new one I guess or whatever we did it with the girls it was fucking awesome those days when you go to the theater for a long time

there was an epic snowstorm in Boston probably 8 years ago and I went to see I know the movies, actually. So you can find out exactly how many years it was. I saw 13 Hours and I saw Dirty Grandpa. And we snuck in. Me and my buddies all –

13 Hours and Dirty Grandpa? Yeah, dude. Shut the fuck up. What a day. We all brought in our own – we all brought two bottles of wine. Dude, smuggle booze into my fucking movie. Smuggle booze into my fucking movie smuggle booze into my fucking movie

and send me a picture on Instagram of smuggled booze there's no better I love when you hear when we hear you yeah bottles

yeah my buddy my buddy my buddy Eddie pulled me inside and he goes hey man we're gonna see this movie

I got a 12 pack of beer we're in college I go cool he goes bring dates. And I was like, fucking awesome. And he took me to Mr. Holland's Opus. And I was like, this is not the movie you want to drink to. Yo, that's hilarious.

We took to Happy Gilmore. The last movie. Shout out to Adam Sandler. We went to Happy Gilmore. And we took bong last movie shout out to adam sandler so we went to happy gilmore and we took bong hits in the car and our goal was to hold it in our breath until we got into the movie theater and so we held it and we take a bong hit in the car and we go out to the like as they're doing the trailers we go out to the car take a bong hit and and come in. We took these two sisters, Lisa and, fuck, me and Obi did. And we brought bong

hits and we laughed our fucking heads. There's no better feeling than laughing with strangers. It's the coolest fucking feeling. I still remember one of the first movies I ever saw where I was like, oh, this is amazing, was Austin Powers. I think it was maybe the second one.

But it was like opening night. Dude, Austin Powers. I think it was maybe the second one. It was like opening night. Dude, Austin Powers' trailer was a banger. His trailer was a... Austin Powers' trailer. I went like this. I'm going to see that movie. The best thing I've ever seen. Leigh-Anne goes to see Cocaine Bear,

which was fucking awesome also, by the way. And she was recording. My trailer was up before Cocaine Bear she was recording it on her phone and my trailer gets done and I see the two boys in front go I'm definitely losing that and I was like fuck yes

everyone go to the movie theaters Memorial Day weekend the machine comes out if you love me if you love anything I've ever done if you hate me fuck it just buy the ticket and don't see it and then If you love me, if you love anything I've ever done, if you hate me, fuck it. Just buy the ticket and don't see it. And then talk shit about me online. I don't care.

Just, I just. Buy the ticket. I want this movie to do well. I want, I, I, I.

Dude, it's gonna smash. It's gonna smash. I know, I know. I'm super vulnerable about it. I can only imagine. It's not only is it your movie,

it's your story. I get all that. But it is gonna smash, dude. Congratulations. I hope from your mouth to God's ears ladies and gentlemen

I'm very grateful I'm fucking hammered very grateful I've been drinking on a plane I've been drinking since two o'clock yesterday

in Los Angeles cheers to the machine to the machine to the machine congrats bro you did thank you brother thank you so much Cheers To the machine Congrats bro Thank you so much We got the only other guy right now

Who I feel like we can talk to As far as the Burt Kreischer experience Because I don't know if you know this But on a whim Burt took us to Amsterdam We did a podcast with him Like a year ago. On that podcast, on that episode, he said, we just started talking about traveling and being spontaneous.

And he was like, what if we were just like to get up and go on a trip? And we started talking it through. And he was like, all right, here's the deal. We're going to, at some point this year, I'm going to hit you guys up. You have 24 hours to respond and show up at the airport you're not gonna know where you're going i'll just tell you to have your passport ready pack a bag for one or two nights and that's it and like nine months later i was like ah he probably forgot about it all of a sudden we get a video he posted online says we're

going to amsterdam and we did like the full burt kischer party experience in Amsterdam for like two, three days, two nights. And I mean, obviously it was absolutely out of control. I would imagine you got a similar experience in, uh, in Russia with him doing the machine. Yeah.

I mean, that is, that's awesome. That's so cool. They actually came through with that. Um, mine was, it wasn't as spontaneous.

There were contracts in place. A little bit of land. You had lawyers involved. I know we were in Serbia for two months. We had a lot of fun out there. He was just always on set. So what are we doing after this? We're doing it tonight.

Right. I mean, that's the thing. There's no downtime with Bert where where it's like i'm just gonna like go chill in the hotel it's like you're either working out or drinking or partying and right now i say you're one of the only guys because a lot of people have partied with burt kreischer but he's in somehow in his prime right now where as far as money fame talent success opportunities and like the motor to just go. Yeah. It's him and Dwayne the Rock Johnson. They're, like, the two warthogs.

Did you meet – was it Anna? Was that her name? Fuck, I can't remember. We should remember her name. Was it Anna? What was her name, Nick? Nick's not in here. Nick, Bert's like assistant while he was over there in Serbia.

Oh, Andrew? No, it's a girl. She's from Serbia, I think, right? No, she's from Amsterdam. She's from Amsterdam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. She's from Serbia.

We were in Amsterdam. She had like short, curly blonde hair, young girl. Anyway, she was almost like his tour guide. I can't believe I can't remember her name. Yeah. I thought it was Anne. Who you're talking about. She was a cool chick.

She was our guide in Amsterdam as well because she was studying over there. But my question, what I was thinking, we've seen the movie. We've seen the machine. It's awesome. We actually got a screening where we did a commercial shoot for it. And we had a bunch of shirtless dudes, and we all watched it together, and it was fucking sick. It's a great movie.

Great reviews. Yeah. But what I was thinking during it for you, like when you tell someone you're playing a young Burt Kreischer, do you have to explain that he used to be hot? Trust me. He was a lot better looking. He had hair.

He was in shape no i was like i i was like uh i said i said to him i was like you know i just said i just stayed in shit yeah like playing burt kreischer at 22 good playing burt kreischer at 52 not good whoever has to do that role one day is not gonna look look like you, bro. Yeah, Bert, he said to me on set, he was like, you should just keep doing this. And I'm like, keep doing what? And he's like, you should just play me all the time.

And I was like, I think this might be my last role as Bert Kreischer. That is the most Bert thing ever. Like, let's just make a million movies about me the whole time. We'll just do my twenties, my thirties, my forties, my fifties, and then I'll be dead.

We'll just do it all the time. That's a whole, I bet you he thought that was a real actual idea too. I'll just have Jimmy be me all the time.

He did. He talked about it. Like he was joking about it. It was funny. The, um, the movie is, I will confess, as Bert says, secret time. When some of your favorite comics launch into the movie world, sometimes it kind of is like a rom-com or like a sellout movie,

and they do fine at the box office and they're whatever, and you're kind of like, oh, that guy used to be like my favorite comic. And now he's like just a Hollywood actor or whatever. You know, this movie is not like that. Name names. Well, everybody we can openly Dane Cook kind of did that. And everyone was like, oh, you know, he just became. But that was because it was just like a script that was like, now you're playing the boyfriend who chases after the girl.

And it's like a generic, you know, this this is like a you know, it's almost like a girl, and it's like a generic, you know? This is like a, you know, it's almost like, crazy enough, it's a biopic, you know? It's like, and it is actually like a good movie. It's fun, and it's silly, and it's wild, and there's partying and all that, but, you know, you guys go deep about, like, his relationship with his kids and my dad

and all that, so, like, on some level, as much as it's, you know, birth of machine and partying and everything, there's like quite a bit of acting in it that so like on some level as much as it's you know birth the machine and partying and everything there's like quite a bit of acting in it that's like you know some heartfelt stuff that you got to do yeah i mean i think what i was one of the things i was drawn to about the script was i really like the way they turned it from the stand-up into the movie like yeah the way it started that could have been so easy to mess up and like and you guys nailed it like i could have that's a hard thing to do so it could have been easy to mess up and it was like

it was perfect i remember he showed us the trailer when we were in amsterdam and it was like it's so nerve-wracking why because it wasn't out yet it was like it's so nerve-wracking watching something someone works so hard on with them because you're like all right if this sucks i gotta pretend it's awesome yeah i gotta get my act and i was i was so happy i was like thank you so much for having this be awesome because i don't have to pretend it's awesome now yeah no i told him i was like i i was like i liked the script was great and like i really had faith in peter again co the director i've worked with hamming like that was one of the reasons one of the many reasons I

wanted to do it was because I knew Peter was involved. And like, Peter can really elevate a script. And he really took what was on the page and turned it into a big, fine action comedy. And I loved

the concept. I was like, how are you going to i was like how are you gonna take this how are you gonna make this into a movie like it's a funny story but like how do you take how they how is gordon playing himself in the movie about the past um but then when i saw like when i read the first like two pages i was like oh this is fucking hilarious the russian guy is watching the stand-up set. And like, that's the fucking guy. And then the other opening scene when you're like, I don't know what you're talking about.

They kind of do more like PG-type movies. And you're like, I don't know. Even after the trailer, I didn't know how hard this movie was going to go. And then they say cunt in the first scene. They say cunt like a thousand times in the first scene. You're like, all right, bird's going. Nice. R-rated for sure. Got that rated r right off the bat you know they earn the r with the with

the violence especially the neck dude the punch in the neck oh yeah it really you apply it's big right like it's yes like i'm watching that i'm watching that. I'm like, what was the budget for this thing again? Like, this feels fucking huge. Yeah, no, they, they didn't skimp on it.

Like, you know, I, I was just talking to a guy who works here who always busts my balls and he knows I'm close with Bert.

So I, you know, he was like asking for my review and he was like, oh yeah, it's probably amazing, right?

And I was like, I, I know I was, I was, yes, you're right're right i was gonna say that no matter what about the machine because i love burton he's been so good to us but i don't have to lie about it like it was a real movie with a real budget a real story and then enough stupidness and and dumb shit that probably you know maybe some other actors who take themselves more serious wouldn't you know punch a hole in someone's neck. All the crazy shit.

So it was a very good balance that I think you don't have to necessarily be a diehard fan of him or the story. That movie just plays. There's enough of a tale that if you come in blind, you get it right away. He went viral. He did this thing with Russia. Now they're on the case. It makes sense. But I do love the Easter eggs too.

There are Easter eggs for people who really know Burt and the Diehards. But it's just awesome. It's just, it's a... Were you, like, how does that come about? You auditioned for it? Did they come to you? Did you know Burt's comedy? Like, if I could, if I was you, if I was an actor, I'd be like, I want to get on that movie.

But if you don't know anything about it, you probably were in for quite a surprise. Yeah, to be honest, I wasn't really that familiar with the whole with with the story. I hadn't even heard the story. I knew who Burt was, but I wasn't really that familiar. He saw me in some show and and like they just offered the, they offered me the role. And so I was like, you know, I was kind of in a spot where I was like, I've been trying to kind of get away from playing like these college party movies. So I was kind of like, I don't know if this is the,

I don't know if this is the move. But then like, you know, I had a lot of conversation with Peter, the director and Bert and script was good. And like, it was a cool story to be a part of. Like it was such an epic story. And, uh, you know, it just seemed, it just seemed like a good, like a good time. And it was shot in Serbia for like two months. And it was like, you know, why not? It's gotta be, it's gotta be good to know you can still play a college dude.

You know, eventually that's not going to be, not going to be, you know, realistic, but you still got it, babe. That's true. That's true. It's good to know. I've seen it in my other shot, a 10 year old daughter. So that is, you are a weird, you know, it's like, I don't look at you and go like, oh, that guy looks young.

But you could play, like, a young dude. You could play a dad with a 10-year-old daughter. You're like a weird Benjamin Button, dude. You're just, like, a weird age. Yeah. Jimmy's like, it's called handsome. It's called being healthy and in shape, dude. Yeah. But you were saying how you were trying to get away from that, and I understand that.

But also in this movie, I don't think you do that. I think you do a very good job of that, where, like, the character in theory is a partier because that's exactly what he is. That's what the machine is. But, like, there are a lot of scenes where I was like, oh, shit, this is, like, emotional. This is, like, I didn't feel like I was watching, like, a college party,

particularly, like, the train robbing and all that shit. I was like, oh, Jimmy's making me feel things right here. Jimmy's got his thespian on right now. Yeah, I don't know. With a project like that, you don't need to play any of that up. It's already there. So you can really just play any of that up it's already there so you can you can really just just go just

play the other stuff up and the things are implied and insinuated like everyone kind of already knows that so that's kind of like what i've done with all all you know all of those kinds of characters that are like you know the party guys the stupid guys guys, the juvenile guys, it's like, you just kind of play up the, the genuine nature of it. And it just, it just, I don't know.

It makes them more likable. Yeah. I mean, honestly, like there's a lot of those guys, like, like every dude who's relatively, you know,

just the kind of average guy you're either, you're either that guy or you kind of wish you were that guy, you have your moments where you've been that guy so maybe you know it's not like the most heralded uh you know portion of your life to like do movies about and shit but there's something very relatable and and i think anybody who went through college and partied and do that stuff you know you need that that's what makes those those movies real is like yeah that's what it's like that's you know when you're young and crazy and doing wild stuff, that's part of life. I think like the, you know, the story or like the epicness of the story wasn't lost on me. So I was like excited to be able to be a part of the story in that way.

It's like his most epic story. It's crazy. It's not just another frat boy. It's like the guy. Yeah. It's like the guy. It's a cool opportunity. Was he ever critical of like –

My burtness? Yeah. No, no, no. I wouldn't say that. I would do it this way or like you know shit like that not really no he was just kind of like uh yeah he didn't really he wasn't really weighing in on my on my on my burtness there was like a couple times where he'd be like i'd be like wait dude do your laugh he'd be like wait do your laugh i mean like like you know but it was also like you know he's on set the whole time so i'm just like

kind of watching him a little bit but also it's it's it was supposed to kind of feel different than he is now like it was to feel like and i was watching as peter told me is like you wanted to feel like when you flash back it's like a different guy right yeah totally totally so it worked that that worked in my favor too how much drinking did you guys do over there how much drinking yeah um good amount i think like i uh you know whenever i like go to the sheep project like out of this out of this state or like random place i'm always kind of like part of this, out of this state or like random place, I'm always kind of like part of these girls like, Oh,

this is a good, uh, a good chance to be healthy. You know, like when I'm in LA and you don't want to hone, you get, you get pulled into things. And when I call a senior,

like drinking on Thursday, Wednesday, you know, it's like nonstop. And then when you're out and like, I'm like, you know, I'll be on Serbia.

I'm not going to let it, you know, I'll have a good chance to get some lighting down, relax. When you're out, I'm like, I'll be out in Serbia. I'm not going to have a good chance to get some lighting down, relax. When you go shoot in New York or somewhere upstate, you're like, I can get away from everything.

But on this, it was just like... No way. That's not what's happening. Bert is actually, and Kevin's noted this many times, Bert's great at inviting you to the party, but he's not a pusher. He won't force you to do. I remember there was one night, I think the last night,

it was late night. We had put in a good effort. We had a good night. It was fun. It was all good. And I had another full pint in front of me. And it was just going down like glass. Every sip of beer was like another full pint in front of me and that it was just going down like glass every sip of beer was like i was doing a shot of like everclear and he like he

looked at me he was like you got to finish that and i was like all right like i gotta put my big boy pants on for burt and it just was physically not happening anymore i'm washed up i can't drink like that anymore and and then he like he was like okay whatever you know what i mean like he was he pushed me and i stayed a little longer i partied a little more i had some more fun i was happy i did but he wasn't like you know forcing you to go out but he is he is a little bit of a devil on your shoulder but also like a little bit of a like an inspiration we're like i can do all right let's go yeah let's go you know we're not like forceful about his peer pressure his peer pressure more comes from a place of like you want to be involved

exactly you're gonna you're gonna regret this like do it it's like a walking advertisement for a good time yeah it's like the way about like partying and drinking it's like a speech from like a like a like coach carter you know like i saw some clip of him talking about like he's low for cocktails and i was just like holy shit i want to have her i want to have a drink right now yeah totally he just makes it sound so good it's not like he's like you have to do this just that he's like i'm gonna do this and it's the best thing ever so if you want to be involved come be involved and you're like i want to be involved yeah i was kind of like over my partying days with drinking and he'll talk about he's like you know the sparkle in your eye when

you have that first cocktail happy hour and i'm like yeah yeah fucking right sparkle in my eye let's go get me around great um was there any um anything on set that was like not traditionally done uh like hot you know regular if you will regular like hollywood style just because i know Anything on set that was like Not traditionally done Like you know regular If you will regular like Hollywood style Just cause I know he kinda runs his own ship And does his own shit Was that a professional set or was it kinda like

Loosey goosey let's just like Have some fun and make some magic Um I mean you know there's definitely Like a trickle down effect of like the Number one guy in the movie Just kinda being from a different world. Yeah. In a good way.

Like, like it was just like a more loose kind of it was just a fun it was a fun atmosphere. There was no like, at least not on the actors like on the crew there was definitely like a you know they had they was a they had a lot to accomplish they had a big movie to make like when you're out there you're seeing like this set pieces and like you're out there on the street we have a whole street of serbia shut down like a massive crazy enormous summon size white in the middle of the street and we're on a stage with like you know an airbags that are moving a fucking train and there's led screens on the side and it's like it was big you know that's wild it was there was a lot of like like we were the whole train set was crazy to me because it was like these leds of of like these massive led screens on

either side of a train that was inside the warehouse and the train was on like a hydraulic system so it would start moving and it could go more for when you're going faster yeah and then i was synced up with these these led screens were showing, like, you know, like what speed you would get on a train. Yeah. And then that was synced up with lights that would, like, be the – Do you know what the budget was? Because, I mean, that sounds like it's, like, big budget shit.

It was a pretty solid budget. But it was funny when you, like, look out, you look out the window, and you start to feel like after a while you're like, okay, I feel like I've been moving. You get off the train. You've been on there for like two hours. I haven't gone anywhere. Yeah, you're right. I haven't moved at all.

It feels so weird. So when you – was there – the last thing I want to talk about as far as the partying goes was there a uh enormous rap party uh on on the machine was there an enormous rap party yeah i just i could imagine him when he's finally done being like let's fucking rage yeah well there was one it was like an unofficial rap party it was during while like in the middle of the shoot the thing about rap parties is like the idea of them is good but by the time the movie actually done like so many of the actors are gone like the only people that are there are people that are in the last seat so it's better to do a rap party like kind of halfway right but we did go to this cabaret club that that was like

the night um and it started out as like a dinner and then next thing you know um it's like there's these guys playing on these drums and like they're handing out like sparklers everyone inside is this is when i knew we were in a different country is when they walked around handing out fake money for us to throw and sparklers inside so i'm like just give everyone fire and paper in the whole club everyone's sparklers dropping they're landing on the floor on the paper such a fire hazard um that was the night that was like oh wow we're really we're really out here what's what's the best rap party you've had um 22nd junk street was was a lot of slime that i could i could have guessed that yeah it was more like a uh we we they like they like had a big party bus and we went and like surprised

theaters around LA and then we ended up at some like bowling alley so that was fucking fun this one was pretty crazy though like the videos I had from the night are just like and also the whole time it was like I'm Serbia

that's crazy was Mark Hamill in the mix a lot or or was he just like, he came out and shot his stuff, and then... I mean, no, he's, you know, he's an older dude. He wasn't really trying to hang with the guys. That's got to be way up there. He's not about to go to a club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's got to be up there as far as, you know, as far as an honor to share a set with somebody and be in a movie with somebody. I mean, fucking Skywalker, right? Just a living legend right there. I'm glad you mentioned 22 Jump Streaks.

I feel like Tatum and Burt are almost pretty comparable. Those two ever get in a room together with a couple beers, watch out. Tatum? Yeah. I can see him. I've read an article on him in in esquire i think way back in a day where like he picked up the the writer and just took her like picked her up in like a jeep wrangler at the airport had a six pack of beer took her to like the desert and they just got fucked up all night like he was none of the stuff they were supposed to do floating in a pool with a like a 30 rack just like floating next to him and we just grabbed beers out of it in the pool he was definitely like

way cooler than i thought he was gonna be like i just kind of assumed i don't know and he was like gonna be like like movie star vibes yeah and then right away on set i was like oh this guy's fucking cool this guy he had that that email he sent after 21 jump street hit where it was in like the sony email leak or whatever it was and it was just like it was like it was an email where you're like oh wait this guy's the fucking coolest where it was just like i guess him and do you know this have you ever heard this no i don't think this is great it was like him and jonah hill it had a a bet about what it would do opening weekend or something like that. And it went way over. I forget whatever it did.

He was like, this movie is going to be big. And I think Jonah Hill and some of the execs were like, this is not going to be a success. And obviously he was right. And then he sent an email to Jonah Hill and all the executives. And it was just caps locks. Suck my dick, bitches! And it was like, it was like, oh, this guy's the fucking man.

And I had because I had read that one. We were all that weekend that night when we were all in that party bus. There was a the numbers came out for opening weekend for Jump Street, like, the projections. And it was, like, really good.

And all of a sudden, Rich as fuck starts playing in the party bus. And everybody just. Yo, what a moment. Yo, ain't no party like a we just got our opening weekend numbers party and they smash party. Like, I mean, that is. That's like entourage on top of the roof. You're with the biggest movie star in the world right now.

It was a funny moment. I don't know who put on Rich's fuck, but it was very smart. Good play. Good play. It was a good tongue choice. I think you're low-key putting together like a awesome resume man when you think about everything you've done all the way down to uh like a tv classic and modern family

is something that like you know having that on the resume i think is is especially in this era the last like 10 15 years whatever where tv has kind of become just as important and just as entertaining and special as movies like being a part of i you know probably the the biggest sitcom maybe ever certainly most the biggest modern sitcom ever i think one of the things i'm like most grateful for is just that i've been able to work with so many like awesome people that i've like looked up to for for so long you know like i like on that movie like channing and jonah that was like awesome and phil lord and chris miller who wrote and directed it or like you know legends and then like it's like i'm just like i've worked with

so many people that i've looked up to for so long and just able to learn so much from from that and just like those experiences are just invaluable. Like you just can kind of keep just learning and, you know, that's kind of what it's all about. You seem like a regular guy, man. You seem like a regular guy. It's like I'm a normal dude who just happens to be very good looking

and super talented. But when that like, you know, you kind of mentioned that like you had that preconceived notion of Channing Tatum so like you were going in just as you know a regular dude and I think that will that bodes well like I think you can tell that as a as a viewer as a fan like I would come into I was coming to Jump Street like you know that was in the heat of my YouTube days. So I was like, I actually went out to that set. I knew I was going to be gone for like three months.

So me and my buddy Christian shot like 12 videos. And they just banked them up. And I brought all the footage out to New Orleans. And you just edit it from my hotel room. So I could continue to put out a video every Monday. So, oh, all right. You had every Monday for how long on YouTube? I did that for years. Wow.

So, yeah, you were in the gutter with us doing internet shit, huh? Yeah, yeah. It's a grind, man. It's not easy doing every week all the time, always making sure you have something to put out. It's no joke. No, it's a lot of work. And I just – it's been harder to find time lately that I'm busier and busier with acting, writing, and directing other stuff. A good problem to have.

It's like I can't get on TikTok because I'm busy directing movies, guys. Do you miss that? Do I miss? directing movies, guys. Do you miss that? Do I miss? I do, yeah. I mean, I miss just like I don't really miss the grind. I feel like I had my fair share of that grind of like every Monday, let's get a video up. It's like a constant stress.

The second it's over, you wake up on Tuesday and it starts up again. So I don't miss that. But I do miss just constantly making stuff with your friends, people you want to work with. Were you doing scripted skit stuff or reality, like behind-the-scenes type stuff or both? No, I did comedy sketches on YouTube. like scripted skit stuff or like reality like behind the scenes type stuff or both no i'm i did you i did uh comedy sketches on on youtube so i started that in 2010 um i made like uh

like i originally started by making like videos making fun frat guys so then i started getting cast as frat guys in movies right right but that was why i started to like veer away from that but but it was like college student sketches and turned into like regular comic sketchy that i did over like you know seven years uh i don't think i realized you were just you know yeah i didn't know the extent of that i mean i knew i knew you were on it but i didn't know it was you know i mean that's what we do i, I can't believe you haven't fucking seen that. Sorry, apologies. I mean, I think there's like a kinship between anybody who's ever done the internet grind and dealt with, you know, shitty feedback and trolls and trying to build a following and the constant 24-7 of it is, you know,

I think it's getting a little more respect as, you know, you can make millions and you can be a superstar off of it now. But in that era, it was like you had to really do it for the love of the game because there was not much money and much glory yet. I mean, obviously it worked out for you. But at that point, it was like you were, you know, you're doing that because you wanted to do that and you enjoyed on some level just making content and putting it out yeah and you know building a like an online resume yeah great

shit man well it all worked out and uh i mean plenty of uh plenty of other things ahead of you but the machine was uh was well worth it and i think anybody who's a fan of burt you did him justice i think anybody who doesn't know of Bert, you did him justice. I think anybody who doesn't know the story, you guys just put together a great movie in general. So that was awesome, man. Great stuff. Thank you guys.

Appreciate it. Thank you, Jimmy. Have a good one, dude. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.