KFC Radio - Best of 2020

Episode Date: January 1, 2021

Subscribe, rate, and leave a review! Enjoy some of our best moments of 2020 on this hungover New Years Day!You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. KFC, it's probably Super Nintendo BC, it's your boy Mikey Z again. Uh, quick hypothetical. So, you're laying in bed, you go to sleep with your girl, and you wake up the next morning, and you guys switch just parts. So you wake up and you have her pussy parts so you wake up and you have her pussy and you and wake up and she has your dick do you guys fuck it's a one-day only thing like you have to know what it feels like right and the other question like we don't fuck your own dick like

it's her pussy on your body it's your dick if i get basically like it's with a person i'm in a relationship with right that's what i said I'm in a relationship with, right? That's what you said? Like a girl you're dating? Yeah. Is it your girl? Yeah, yeah. But I think that kind of matters.

Like if it's like a one-time hookup and then we go back, I don't want this like stranger girl. I'm like, I fucked Kevin. I don't want her going back and telling her the exploits of like how I was throwing it back at her. I pictured it. But if it's a committed thing, oh, I'm looking back at it. I'm fucking – No way. Next voicemail.

I'm getting fucked. Putting my ankles over my head, bro. No! No! No, stop. No, listen. Come on. Maybe you don't have to go all out like me, but you want to know what it feels like to get –

I have always been fascinated by the idea of – I'm getting fucked. I just don't – I mean, you have the required tools. You can make it happen. I know. Yeah, I guess so. But I –

You can get your ass pegged if you want. I've always just been like – The idea of something filling you up is like – That sounds so not appealing to me, but they like it, right? They love it. And girls are always like, I can't believe you have this thing hanging between your legs. So they're probably fascinated by the fact that you're penetrating something. But I've always said this too. I always joke about when they're just staring at the wall.

When you're bent over or whatever, it's just like this is this is even enjoyable for you i'm back here i got a whole thing going here you're just looking at the fucking wall what's happening here so uh yeah no you gotta fuck the uh you gotta fuck i like how this remember the first time we had also on the show yeah and she was like i bet 10 of guys in here like getting pegged and we're like crazy and now three years later kevin's like i'd have my ankles by my fucking ears dude that was one of the more uh like revealing conversations like that was a uh it was like a sex expert who has talked to like every walk of life explaining like no no like some guys like butt stuff and us like young dumb like white fucking frat boy idiots are no way that's gay like five years later me and fights like yo yo

awesome apology call her up call her up tell her you're right you're right the uh the this is a one of my one of the funnier tweets i've ever seen i think is like uh like hypothetical like what if guys with girls you if guys and girls switch parts? Basically exactly this. And it's like, guy, I play with my boobs all night. Girl, I'd go for a run with headphones on and feel safe. Go out alone and not worry about being raped.

Who do you, if this happened for a day, whole fucking world, who do you or i guess it doesn't matter how long or who it happens to but who do you think would be better with the other person's parts the other gender's parts timothy chalamet no not what i meant I meant like this is really embarrassing Guys or girls? Like, would a guy be better at fucking with a girl's parts or would a girl be better at fucking with a dick?

And you say, Timothy. I love men. We're about to make Timothy Sheld Chalamet t-shirts, bro What a fucking moment I mean, I see where you're going with it And it makes perfect sense I saw him last night at the Oscars I thought he looked pretty

He's a pretty boy He's a pretty man That guy might have a pussy, bro We know you Timothee Chalamet My stomach hurts. And I was waiting for your answer. Like, ooh, interesting.

Okay, let me hear. He's got a very thin chin. Like, his chin comes to a point. Soft skin, too. Soft skin, silky, smooth hair. Wow. I'm going to be shallowing. Oh, God.

I guess the answer would be girls. I think the opposite. Yeah? I feel like the way... I think we'd be in trouble. I think girls, there'd be a big revolution. We'd be like, we got the dicks now! Big time.

And we'd be like... If with like we got the dicks now and we'd be like if girls like switched and got testosterone and stuff men would be slaves by well if they take like their brain and they're like their savviness and all like the shit they care about and give them like the brute strength we're done if we were if we were as dopey as we are we had pussies we would be yeah absolutely enslaved it'd be planet of the Apes. It would be like – Like by the week's end, the whole world would be completely different. Which is why it's got to be so infuriating for them now. It's like the only reason I'm not president is because I don't have a fucking dick.

I'm smarter than you. I know more. I'm more motivated. I feel like girls – like the way like when a girl's like on top they're not like fucking they're like they would have a dick but they'd be like riding

you know what I mean I think girls would suck at fucking like guys oh yeah that's why I don't watch lesbian porn yeah even like you drive a taxi I'm like you don't know

how to fucking do that thing it's so true if you see like a lesbian porn with like a strap on they're like nah you're not like pounding you're not gonna like

a girl's not gonna pound you I gotta get pounded alright, you're not like pounding. You're not going to like, a girl's not going to pound you. I got to get pounded, all right? Like, you can't, like a girl can't do like the jackhammer. Get out of here. They're like rolling their body and moving their hips. No, no, no. It's smash your fucking pelvis into there, okay? Come on.

Try to fit your whole pelvis inside. I like how they're really just telling us how they like it. We're like, that's not how it's done. Balls deep. Now you got some balls. Use them. Get deep in there. Everybody knows at this point I'm a big red wine guy.

That's what I drink. I love my wine because when I drink wine, I look at the label. I read the story. And next thing you know, I'm not just like having a glass after work. I'm not just eating, you know, having a glass of red with my dinner. All of a sudden, I'm living, bro. I'm experiencing. Something's happening to me where I go back in time and I reminisce and I think about my life and who I was and what I am now and what I could have done different.

That's what St. Hubert's The Stag does. This is a different kind of wine that is for the people who've got that kind of adventurous drive, who every bottle tells a story. You crack it open with your friends. You share these tales. You ask these questions. You have these conversations. You go deep inside yourself. You find something that you never even knew was there. You start anew. You write wrongs. You find new potential. You go back and do everything that you always should have done, right? That's what happens every time you open up a bottle of St. Hubert's The Stag. Whether you're drinking red like me or a velvety Chardonnay, The Stag is the go-to wine this season for anybody who wants to experience that life. So go to sthuberts, like sthubertsthestag.us

on Instagram and Facebook. Make sure to check out your local wine shop today to get a couple bottles. You can order it, get it sent to you, drink it up, live a little. sthubertsthestag.us on Instagram and Facebook. And so I woke up and I was sick.

And I was like, well, I guess we just got to – my stomach goes 3 a.m. And I woke up. Because it's 3 a.m. and I'm calling everybody in my phone. That song is fire. It's 3 a.m. and I want to go to bed. And I pooped in it. Oh, Jiminy Cricket. So I woke up at 3 a.m. and I pooped in my bed Oh, Jiminy Cricket. So I woke up at 3 a.m. and I pooped my bed.

I almost think we need to pause and give a disclaimer. Because when you call KFC Radio, when you listen to KFC Radio, maybe the caller is going to be talking about poop. You can usually rest assured that John Henry is going to be the one to stop the poop talk. And he pooped so much, you became poop culture. You became a poop guy. I love being a poop guy now. So just brace yourself because what's about to happen is a lot of poop talk. Yeah, yeah. And Hugh pooped so much, you became poop culture. You became a poop guy. I love being a poop guy now. Yeah. So just praise yourself, because what's about to

happen is a lot of poop talk. So I pooped in my bed. And it wasn't a lot, but it wasn't a little bit. I think of pooping in your pants as very binary. It was. You either pooped your pants or you didn't. It was. It had gone through my pants onto the bed.

Let's say that. So you shit yourself in your sleep? Yeah. Like you were asleep and you woke up into a puddle of poop. I didn't even realize I'd shit my bed. I woke up because I had to shit into the toilet. And I... I got to poop in the toilet.

It's time to use the pool. I had to go shit into the toilet. And it wasn't until... It wasn't until I came back to my room that I realized I'd already shit all over my bed. You're sitting on the bowl like, I can't believe there's any more left. So I'm standing in my bed, like, doing the... You know how you try to just exhale things out? You said you're standing in your bed? I'm standing in my room, looking in my bed.

Okay, got it, got it. I'm sitting like, and I'm like, time to get back in bed, right? And I'm kind of like moseying over. Oh, no. And I pull my sheets back, and I'm like, I just turn around, and I go to the couch, and now I'd had poop in the boxers but I just didn't realize it was the kind of poop that had gone through to the bed.

And so I... You're still wearing the poopy underpants. No, no, no. Once I pulled those down I'd seen it was a disaster. I realized it was Chernobyl. And so I... The ronkin. 10,000 ronkin.

We were at fucking 100 million runkins and then on the pants and so i fucking i i went to shit and again when i pull my pants down i was like boy there was a lot of shit in these so i i crumple those things up, throw them in my closet. Oh, no. Jesus. Have you watched those yet? Put on a new pair of underpants, right? And I went to leave the bed, saw a bed covered in shit.

Couldn't deal with that. So I go and just lay down on the couch, right? And, again, this is probably like 4 a.m. now. It's still really, really fucking early. I'm out of it. I don't have a lot of sleep or anything like that. And I'm like, all right early. I'm out of it. I don't have a lot of sleep or anything like that. And I'm like, alright, gotta go back to bed.

I wake up. Oh no. Two hours later. Did you shit yourself again? What woke me up was shit dripping down my ass. I was sleeping like on my side so tired I just felt like

like dripping down my cheeks. Yeah, like gravity just took over. I was like, why is water going down my cheeks? I was like, shit, my cheeks. And I was like, oh, shit, my pants. Right?

Right? So. This is a low moment. This is a low moment for the podcast. This is a low moment for your life. So. So I fucking. It's a low moment for my life. So I get up, go poop in the toilet.

And I get through that whole thing. Throw those boxers in the closet. Put another pair of boxers on. And then at this point, like, I'd been on Twitter so long, I'd been doing the... Again, just trying to... It's coming out of both sides of you? Just trying to... Are you puking at this time?

I haven't puked yet. I haven't puked yet. Okay, okay. And so I'm now, at this point, a pair pair of boxers three, sun's not up yet. And the sun's not up, he's on his third shit pants of the day. And so now I'm fucking, I'm like, all right, we got to get back to bed. And then I'm laying on the couch and I'm trying to fall back to sleep. I got TV on and I got to get back to bed. And then I'm laying on the couch, and I'm trying to fall back to sleep. I got TV on, and I got to fart.

And I, you know. By now, you've got to know you can't safely fart. Hang on a second. So, but, like, you know, like, it's like a, you know, you're kind of fucking, you're knocking on the door. Yeah. You're like, hello, it's the police. Right. Or is it the poop?

Right? You're like, hello, it's the police. Right. Or is it the poop? Right? You're like, what is on the... The poop's on the other side with the battering ram ready to just fucking BAM! So that's a better thing. It's a better joke. We're workshopping. Where it's like, there's a knock on the door and you're like, is it the police or is it

the criminals out there? Right. Right. The police are a fart. And yours... Bad guys are a poop. But when you're conscious, you have the control of the sphincter yeah to crack the door open right let's take a peek

so let's see what's back there eye hole a peep hole yeah and it was just a little bit of a fart but I realized while doing that almost I had workshopped myself

just there where I was like what's happening is when I'm asleep I'm not I don't have the sphincter control so I'm just sh I'm not I don't have the sphincter control. So I'm just shitting myself. So

so I was like scientifically breaking this down. I was like, I was like, I can't fall back asleep or I'll shit myself. It was like in Friday the 13th. No. Nightmare on Elm Street. It was like Nightmare on Elm Street where I was like, I can't fall asleep or I'll die.

I was like, I can't fall asleep or I'll die I was like I can't fall asleep Or I'll fucking poop in my pants And So One two poop is coming for you So now I'm fucking I'm actively trying to stay awake

I'm like I'm like not Not like exercising But I'm like drinking water And eating food And just trying to get energy In my system Blasting music

So I don't fall asleep And shit my pants Right And then And then so I'm up And I'm like going back food and just trying to get energy in my system. Blast of music. So I don't fall asleep and shit my pants. And then so I'm up and I'm like going back to the toilet. I mean, I shit so many times. It's crazy. The running text I got from you about the whole thing, like just chronicling your shit

pants was just, like I would just get a random text Friday at 3.21pm it just said four with a period. It said four what? It said four what he said four pants shit but so but so right so this had gone on and and by like 10 o'clock or whenever i texted you i was like dude it's not gonna i i had been holding off texting you like because i felt bad we had an interview that day and i was like i was just there's no way i'm getting in because and now i'm getting tired later in the day i'm getting tired and I'm like I'm gonna have I'm gonna fall

asleep it's gonna happen you're gonna shit yourself I'm gonna shit my pants so I make myself a diapy right I I get so what I do I forgot about the diaper so what I do is when I'm wearing clean clean boxers I also also go get windbreaker pants. He describes it as waterproof pants. I hadn't had the energy to get waterproof pants. I hadn't had the energy to change my sheet during like that, so I'm still sleeping on the couch. And I can't shit my couch because then after that I'm sleeping on the floor.

So I was like, all right, I'm going to wear like Lululemon shorts or I have a pair of like squishy pants. I'm putting those on and just creating a force field. So when I shit my pants. A force field. So when I shit my pants when I'm asleep. Again, not an if. When I'm going to shit my pants and I can't have a get onto the couch.

And so I finally am like, all right, I'm wore up. I'm ready for a nap. KG, I got a couple of Macs. I got a couple of, you know, I'm wore it up. I'm ready for a nap. KG, I got a couple Macs. I got a couple, you know, rocket launchers, fights. I got a couple diapers. I'm storming into that Colin-esque dream sequence. Like, guess what, bitch? You're not getting on my fucking couch cottons.

It's also, you can't poop on the common room couch, you know? No, I mean, it's more of my couch. Everyone lives in their own rooms. Yeah, but still, you know. Yeah, you can't be shitting in the couch. You can't shit in the living room couch. No. Your own bed's your own bed. Everyone lives in their own rooms. Yeah, but still. Yeah, you can't be shitting in the couch. You can't shit in the living room. You shit in the toilet.

You may be shitting in your bedroom. You can't be shitting in the living room. You can't be shitting in the living room. You can't do it. So I wake up, full pants of shit, and I have to now get rid of everything. Now, this stage now, while I'm not getting nauseous Cause I'm I mean I'm shitting everywhere There's There's poop There's poop on the walls

There's poop on the floor The ceiling There's shit everywhere And now As I'm taking off My Pants Shorts

Underpants Full of shit I'm also nauseous And Just start Puking everywhere And now I got I'm puking

Like eight minutes straight And there's something about Puking into the toilet You know got, I'm puking like eight minutes straight. And there's something about puking into the toilet you know you just pooped in a thousand times. It's flushed and it's gone, but it's not. But it's not. Oh no. Oh, it was. It's like on the bowl. All over the place. This is a fucking gross podcast. In my right hand, I was holding

all the pans of shit. So I didn't want to get on the ground because then I had to scrub the floor. Right? And so i'm just like help me okay so now i start feeling better i i never really for the for this entire 48 hour window really i never go to bed i don't usually a lot either but like eventually my body would tire to the point where it's like, I got to sleep 15 minutes, dude. And I'd wake up in 15 minutes in an absolute panic. Then I'd shit my pants. Just waking up like.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, immediately like, no, we're good. Okay. But so the next day, finally, feeling a little bit better. Friday. It's probably Friday at like 4 o'clock. Let me just read you the text from Friday.

Thursday night, 8 p.m. I have pooped 15 plus times today, and I've probably cried close to 10. Yeah, I was just weeping. Two of those poops claimed pants as my victims. One claimed my bed. My house is a fucking wild scene right now. But then what I love about it, it's going to be a great podcast segment. I said to him, are we talking full-blown shit pants or are you sharted?

He goes, there's definitely close to sharts, but they're the most I've ever shit my pants. It happens every time I take a nap, so now I'm scared to sleep like my asshole is Freddy Krueger. I said, you woke up in a puddle of poop? He goes, it wasn't a puddle, but there was definitely a significant stain on my bed, so now I'm sleeping on my couch in waterproof shorts or pants to protect the fabric in case I fall asleep and poop attacks. I said, this is straight up medieval. So this is the most disgusting I've ever had. It's like I have a baby except it's me. It's so fucking funny. Dude, and the, so finally Friday, it's like Friday at like 3 o'clock or whatever.

I did say, I said, if it makes you feel any better, Shay slept in my bed that night and she peed the bed, so she peed on me. I said, if it makes you feel any better, Shay peed on me. He goes, peeing the bed's light work. Peeing the bed is light work. That's child's play. Been doing that for years. I almost enjoy that.

I want to pee in a dome. Don't come take a dump in my bed. But so Friday at like 3 or whatever, I'm feeling better. And I'm like, all right, you know what? Now, at this point, it's Friday at 3. I haven't eaten since Wednesday at 7. Jesus Christ. And I don't even know where this stuff is coming out of.

I don't know where it's coming from. And fucking, so I'm cooking. Yeah, you got to get hungry at some point. And I'm cooking, cooking not ordering food i'm cooking we know john's on a kick so he's rattling those pots and pans and they're gonna wish you didn't say their name and uh so i'm cooking right and um i i got music going i'm like you know it's like dancing where it's like, we good to dance? Oh, we do have the energy to dance. All right, we'll bop a little harder then. I definitely do this when I'm sick too.

I think when you get really sick, you always jump the gun on being healthy. Like, all right, I can go back out. Like, I'm good. And it's like, oh, wait, I should not. I'm not over this yet. I'm not ready. This is a dip in the toe in the water. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. This isn't so good, and it's like, oh, wait, I should not. I'm not over this yet. I'm not ready. This is a dip of the toe in the water. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. This isn't so bad, is it? And so I have prepared the chicken. I have prepared some greens on the frying pan with the chicken. And it is now time to boil the water. It's now time. I've thrown the coos coos into the water it is now the food so nice they named it twice and it is now i love saying that he says it every

time every time and it is now time to put the chicken into the oven i put the chicken in the oven i bend down oh no in the oven classic bend down put the chicken in the oven classic mistake and it was like my stomach saw what was happening like it's got eyes and it was like what the fuck do you think you're doing buddy and he goes let me just remind you what's happening in here

that was punishment for like who do you think you are like we are at DEFCON 1. Red alert. And you're just going to go fucking cook up some Pruskus? I don't think so. Outside the fucking body right now, you might be feeling like a Holiday Inn. It wasn't a Ritz, but you might be at a Holiday Inn level.

Inside, it's still a war zone. And as I went down, I just shit in my pants. For the fourth time. For the fourth time in my pants. For the fourth time. For the fourth time in 12 hours. But at this point, at this point, it was... Couscous is really hard to cook.

Right? John. It's really hard to cook. John. You gotta stay mixing it. No. No, you don't. Not when you shit your pants.

And the chicken, I didn't want to burn. No. So I just cooked the rest of the meal with Not when you shit your pants. And the chicken I didn't want to burn. No. So I just cooked the rest of the meal with full chicken. John! John! It wasn't full shit in my pants. It was just a good amount of food.

John, I already told you. There's either shit in your pants or not. John, I am sorely disappointed in you. Like when I walked as I was continuing to cook. Oh my God. Walking and cooking. Like I could feel the shit like getting stuck to a cheek. And it was like, cause here's the deal, Kevin.

Here's what would happen. I have two options. Okay. You have one option. It's go clean the poop out of your pants. No, I know, because here's what's going to happen, right? I don't have time to go shower.

I don't have time. That's off the table. Otherwise, the meal is ruined. The meal! This fucking meal! But, I would have had time to go change my boxers, right? But, I'm just dirtying up another pair of boxers You're going to shit again I haven't cleaned my cheeks yet

So I'm just putting on a pair of boxers To a poop I'm just leading the lamb to slaughter And so I cooked a whole meal And then when I was done I went and showered Changed my poop pants Put on new pants.

How long would you say you just sat there and let the poop marinate your cheeks? How long was I in my own filth? Yes. 20 minutes. Oh, my God. I mean, that's how you get those rashes. That's how the plague started. If I had to guess, the recipe said let the chicken sit for 17 to 20 minutes.

I would say 22 minutes I was sitting in my own poop. That is literally how, like, one one third of the world once got wiped out is people just living in their own filth. And you, in the year 2020, you just chose to live in your own excrement. Well, yeah. Yeah. As a non-poop guy. It was, I mean, so like that was, yeah, it was a scene.

You know, one of the more ridiculous parts too were like, One of the more ridiculous, I too, where, like, I would clean, like. One of the more ridiculous, I mean. Well, just, like, on one of those. The whole thing, John. Friday night, I finally started getting, like, my laundry together and shit like that because I had to come to fucking Miami on Sunday. I didn't like that. And it was, like. Did you just, you didn't just throw those out?

You, like, cleaned them? I threw out the sheets. Did you send, like, your poop boxers to the washing post? No, I just did this myself. Okay, good. Because if you send that to, like, Min Lee, you're a fucking asshole. No, but I'm picking up things, right? And I was in such a fog of war.

I was picking up things where I was like, I don't even remember shitting in these. I don't remember shitting on these pants. You got to remember. I mean, I can count all the times I shit. I can remember all of them because they're very few times. You had, you pooped in your pants enough times for a lifetime in a 12-hour span. I was just going around my apartment picking these up. I was like, when did I shit on this?

What the fuck are you going on? Are you kidding me? I was like, I got shit on my shirt? When did I shit on my shirt? What is happening right now? John, let me ask you something. But that's the story. That was my Thursday, Friday. Now that I, I John, let me ask you something. That's the story. That was my

Thursday, Friday. Obviously, the world knows now, but as this is going on... The sheets, by the way, I cleaned. And then when they were clean, I was like, these are still dirty. It wasn't like a feel. It was noticeable. This is still a pair of poop sheets.

You're going to wear those boxers again? Like you're wearing poop boxers? I really wish you didn't ask that. You're wearing them right now, aren't you? I wore them yesterday. I shit in them. There's a pair of shit boxers in my closet right now.

They're the same Freddy Krueger. Not Freddy Krueger. They're Jason. They're Jason boxers. Wow. They were Freddy Krueger. That Krueger They're Jason They're Jason Boxers Wow They're They were Freddy Krueger That would have been

An all time fucking coincidence I don't know what happened I mean not only I was gonna keep this one secret Kevin I was gonna tell it I mean at this point John The secrets

I mean they're all On the fucking table Alright fine I pooped myself In the gym yesterday I still have it Oh wait That's what

Yeah no I washed them. They were clean. I didn't wear them. I pooped in them again. I still. John, you're healthy. No, I still haven't

taken a normal poop. But you're healthy now and you're still shitting your pants. No, it was. John, you're healthy enough. I'm a healthy enough. You are now

just a pants shitter. I'm healthy enough where I shouldn't have shit my pants. It was. Were you on the elliptical just like shit my pants. It was on the elliptical. Just like, I'm on the elliptical. Come on. You can't get calves like these on the elliptical.

Yeah, no, just stay in the gym. That's what you get. You know what that's got? Right now, John, Dan, and PFT are all going to the gym on vacation. And that'll explain why I was so defensive this morning when you picked up a pair of boxers of mine. And I went, they're not pooping those ones. So we're in John's room. And I'm curious about John's other underpants, not his poop-stained ones, his size small boxers.

Because if you've been listening, you know that John, even being a fat, dumb bitch that he is, he has a pair of small briefs. And I grab them, much like you would a piece of evidence, just like two fingers, and I go, are these? And I was going to say the small boxers, and he goes, nope, there's not poop in those. Nope. Like, ha, ha, ha. You thought you got me, but I didn't, you fucking idiot. You didn't know how close they were, though, did you?

I know, I know. They were right behind that door. So now you're on day four of pooping your pants. Yeah. You're on a four-day span. And you're much healthier, John. You're out drinking. I'm still diarrhea-ing, though.

I know, but you can have diarrhea and you still can make it to the bowl. You are now a pants pooper. Yeah. Yeah. I hope everybody got some Tommy Johns under the tree. I hope people got them in their stockings. I hope they got them for Hanukings. I hope they got it in. I hope they got it for Hanukkah.

I hope they got it for Kwanzaa. Any holiday you celebrate, I hope you got some Tommy John's. I hope you got the underwear. I hope you got the thongs. I hope you got the lounge pants, the t-shirts, the second skin. Everything Tommy John makes at this point is, you know what it is? Delicious. Delicious.

Have you ever put on a pair of underwear or a piece of clothing that you would call delicious? It's delectable. That's what Tommy John is. It is that comfortable, that, uh, uh, it performs that well. And so whether it's the underwear, the t-shirts, the lounge pants, uh, the guy's stuff, the girl's stuff, doesn't matter. It's the most comfortable lounge clothes you're ever going to wear. Go to TommyJohn.com slash KFC and you can get your discount today and get your delicious clothes going. Because there's nothing better than coming home from a long day of work and putting on some Tommy John lounge gear. It's unbelievable. It's the biggest sale of the

year right now. It's TommyJohn.com slash KFC for the biggest savings you've ever had at Tommy John. One more time. TommyJohn.com slash KFC. If you're wearing Spanx, just get as drunk as you can that night because you're not fucking anybody. Might as well use

it. It's like when you're smushed. You're not getting any anyway. Just be blacked out. It's like it's like when you're smushed you're not getting any anyway just be blacked out it's like when your girl's like like tells you like she's on her period or whatever it's like i don't want to text nights like yo yeah i'm getting blacked the fuck out nobody's fucking tonight me and my broken dick are gonna have a party i'm gonna drink two bottles of tequila tonight let's go there's nothing better it's it's like uh when telling me this is really not good uh like telling me that like we're not gonna have sex tonight is like like you wanna go for a walk to a dog it's like getting lucky It's like the reverse though It's like yes

I'm getting laid tonight Fucking right I'm getting drunk as shit I'm telling you The cross that we have to bear as men Always expecting That we want to fuck Yeah

Or that we're ready to fuck Or that this dick just works On fucking command You know how hard it is To get my dick to work It's so hard To get your dick hard So hard

I'm 35 fucking years old I've been beating this thing Into submission For two decades It doesn't hard to get your dick hard. So hard. I'm 35 fucking years old. I've been beating this thing into submission for two decades. It doesn't want to come out to play anymore. It's impossible. My dick is like a rescue dog. You've got to coddle it. And right now, I'm like, you come on a date with me now. I'm like, stay away.

Stay away. All right? You've got to really gain my trust and pet me and feed me. And then maybe I'll come out to play. Right now, I'm malnourished and I'm mangy and I'm ready to fucking bite. I ain't ready to play, man. It's hard to get a dick hard. It's fucking hard to get a dick hard out here.

Shit. Girls just don't know it. And then when it doesn't work, they take offense. I'm like, now I got to worry about this on top of the fact that my dick barely works. I got to take your feelings into consideration. I'm like, I,

I have generations of masculinity in my head. Right. And I'm like, I feel like I have lost the world. Right. And I have to deal with your kind. You don't think you're that pretty or something. I'm letting down

my grandfathers and my grandfathers before him. I'm letting down my whole gender and now you don't think you're sexy? Fuck you!

My grandfather was like, I killed Nazi. You can't fuck a hot girl. I don't know what to tell you, dude. It's just not working tonight. That's what...

Girls, guys have a hard because of all that stuff we just said, like wars and things. But girls, you got a lot to compete. Starting at age nine, it's like, is it gaping? Don't care. If it's not gaping, I don't want it. And it's like, I got to go fuck a human woman now? Pass. John, I watched something this week, man.

And I had a moment I really, I felt for girls because for the most part, sometimes I think the whole porn and girls thing kind of gets overblown. Like, you know, porn's ruining relationships or it's ruining guys' perceptions of girls.

Sometimes I believe it. Sometimes it gets overblown. I watched this girl. The actual fucking tagline was I put my whole outfit inside my asshole. John. John. John.

She took off a pair of shorts, a thong, and a fucking tank top and put all of it in her asshole. I watched it from front to fucking finish. And she even does a check baggage. She even did the time lapse.

Like fast forward. She was putting lube on it and just, she was just like, boom, done. I have an entire outfit in my asshole and i'm sitting here thinking about regular girls who are just like do you want to just like put your dick in my vagina no put your blazer in your asshole put your sneakers up there too it's crazy oh my god uh and you want me to get

my dick hard for regular old like on a date get? Get the fuck out of here. Last night, all time moment on Jeopardy. I'm upset I missed it. I was like completely off the grid last night. I went to bed at like eight o'clock. Jeopardy had a question where the answer involves the word, the name Alexis Texas, which I saw somebody, the reply, the top reply on Twitter was like a Venn diagram intersecting of like the things. I'm a loyal viewer of both, like the intersection here. So the question, what can we play it, Nick?

Yeah. Yeah. So here's the Jeopardy clue last night that had every male like 18 to 55 going. What? Let's do pop culture 800 this disney channel series was originally going to be called alexis texas christa west ham montana good the the would you say the majority or minority of people got like understood what was going on there minority yeah you think? Minority. Yeah.

That woman answered that question just thinking like, what's a state that rhymes together? Disney show. Okay. And then the two guys on the panel were probably frozen like, Big wet butt. I mean, Alexis Texas' ass is the size of Texas. Oh my god.

It's huge. It's humongous. Alexis Texas' ass has a gravitational pull that pulls other smaller asses into it. It's huge. It's humongous. It's huge. Alexis Texas' ass has a gravitational pull that pulls other smaller asses into it. It's huge. Alexis Texas' ass has electoral votes in the electoral college. It is enormous, bro. If you know Alexis Texas. I remember being like a 14. I forget exactly when she came in the game.

She's a bit of a vet. She's probably crossed over into the milf-born grandma. She was like a milf right away because she's a bit of a vet yeah she's probably crossed over into the milf porn you know grandma you know like she was like a milf like right away because she's thick so like that like you only you when you get into the porn game you're one of two things you're a teen with some fuck if you're skinny or you're a milf if you're a little bigger yeah and she was 100 right to milf huge ass and i hadn't seen her in a while. I hadn't. This clip hadn't even finished playing before I was up on my way to the bathroom. I'm usually,

I'm a little bit over the Pornhub statistics when they're like, here's what people jerked off to during like 9-11 or whatever. But things like this are certainly real. Where a name spikes and it's like, yeah.

Much like Justin Turner caused the fucking coronavirus another question what's the bigger spike coronavirus because of justin turner or the searches of alexis texas i mean a wide but again margin but again why does harass only for the yeah if that's the ultimate if you know you know there's a bunch of jeopardy nerds a bunch of disney kids a bunch of women who were all just like, oh, let's test this. Hannah Montana. And then there are the guys who are like, I need to go furiously masturbate to this fat ass white girl.

I was like, what is Paul, Alex? I mean, but it makes sense. And by the way, if you are a porn star coming up in the game, you should be called Hannah Montana. That's a great porn star name. It is a good one like it i feel like disney has pretty hard copyrights on that probably but you know what even better get a fucking cease and desist get your name out there if there was a if there was a headline porn star gets cease and desist from disney for the name we would blog it you get you know you get your only fans out there i might just do this right now my name's hannah montana uh but you know the the the

crossover and the overlap and the similarities between disney names and porn star names more than you would think it's actually quite more than you would think so we we went through and and looked at a few names uh of of porn star names that could be Disney star characters. So, I mean, I will begin here. Let's kick her off. Okay. I'm going to go with one of our, probably the number one porn star that we roll with, Abella Danger.

What's your job? I have no clue. By day, she is... I just thought Abella is Italian. So by day, she works in her family's pizza place. Okay. And by night, she fights crime. Okay. I specified her crime. I didn't have the pizza place part.

Okay. What kind of crime? I specified she protects vulnerable women in clubs. She stops people from getting roofied and stuff like that. Disney's getting dark. Wait. Wait. So wait. the rest of your list see i i am i i thought of it as a disney show uh mine's a little bit of both okay because i was like you know the disney disney shows are not gonna have girls getting proofreading clubs well it just teaches women the dangers of being outside because they all teach a lesson it's like hey just so you know these are it's not very

vulnerable and graphic right scenes but there's not very vulnerable in graphic scenes. But there's a little sprinkle in the cup. You get the point. And she comes over and she puts her hand on top. Yeah. Ladies, only drink. Always watch him open the bottle. And I also just want to piggyback there real quick.

She fights crime on a day-to-day basis. But the ultimate villain that she's trying to thwart is Bonnie Rotten. Bonnie Rotten, who's just the most evil slut in the world, who's out there actually, she's roofying the girls telling the guys, go, go, take them, take them, take them. So it's a Bella Danger versus Bonnie Rotten.

Yeah, Bonnie Rotten is the fucking Angelina Jolie and Maleficent just naked. Like if you stripped off the Maleficent vest, that girl's got spider webs on her titties, no doubt. No fucking doubt. Bonnie Rotten, bro. Bonnie Rotten makes like Adriana Cechik go like, whoa, whoa. She goes hard in the paint. What do you got?

All right. Mine is, well, we've got a bunch, but I've got one here. Taylor Rain. She inspires girls to be a meteorologist in a male-dominated field. If I can piggyback on that real quick, maybe let's say her number one competition or her partner, Stormy Daniels. Stormy Daniels. Yeah, Stormy Daniels. And I think you could even say that, you know, yeah, the competing station is Jenna Hayes.

Jenna Hayes, Stormy, and Rain. I had Jenna Hayes slightly different. Okay. Jenna Hayes spells her name differently in this one. It's H-A-Y-E-S. She is a historian who specifies with our 19th president and famous abolitionist Rutherford B. Hayes. There's a pitch for you. Give me your elevator pitch.

Well, she's a girl. She's obsessed with Brother... She goes back in time and hangs out with Brother B. Hayes in Ohio and learns about the dangers of slavery. Oh, my God. And then she comes back to the future and fucks a bunch of black guys. Would work. Would sell.

Would definitely be a porn that people watch. Would be. When you search interracial, it's the top fucking hit, man. Rutherford B. Hayes. Fucking Jenna Hayes. Wow. Wow. You went there with that one the name change and everything holy

shit uh what else we got um go ahead go uh Jinx Mays oh I got her too what did you what did yours say she is in a door explorer type outfit stuck in a labyrinth I like that I I took Jinx and Maze to be... She is a child lawyer who uses puzzles and riddles to solve her crimes and to fight her court cases. So when she gives her closing statements, it's always a riddle or some play on words. And they're like, not guilty. And they're like, Jinx Maze did it again. It sounds like fucking, what's her fucking name? Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Arrested.

Justice is Blind is the episode. I don't know her name. Yes, but exactly that. Yes, that's her. Jinx Maze, who, yeah, she even has some sort of disability that makes her rely on her mind and her riddles. And she gets the, you know what she does? She uses riddles to get the, what's it called?

Not the victim, but like the person. Defendant? Yeah, the defendant to like confess, you know what I mean? She talks to you in a circle and you're like, you confessed! Jinx Maze. Okay, Karma RX. like confess you know what i mean yeah she talks to you in a circle and you're like you confessed um okay karma rx whoa i saw that one i didn't even know do you know who that is oh yeah i don't know that one yeah i know she is okay because i was and obviously that that opens up a whole door of doctors and pharmaceuticals well yeah well she she is a pharmaceutical sales rep who teaches about the dangers of the opioid oh so yeah i would say say that she is actually, she's not even in

pharmaceuticals. She is just person by person taking down the Purdue executives. She pops from mansion to mansion and... Purdue is a pharmacy? I thought so. Definitely a chicken. Oh, it definitely is a chicken, too. I don't know if it's different

Purdue's or the same thing, but Purdue Pharmaceuticals has something to do with Oxy. It sounds like it's right it sounds like it's right yeah okay uh but yeah she she's fighting the opioid epidemic epidemic like one one step at a time you know you can't be you can't it make don't make bad decisions and then she goes into uh a cabinet which she sees her parents medicine she's like don't do that make smart decisions and she's like look at all my tattoos don't take pills get a tattoo instead also she um she when she takes down the the executives she very ironically like she ties you down and she pumps you full pills you overdose oh they're all dead Yeah, maybe. This one's pretty basic, but what did I write down here? Rachel Starr.

Just Starr. I mean, a girl who on her 10th birthday wishes to become a pop star, and then she wakes up one day and she just is a pop star. Okay. It's almost like that movie yesterday where the Beatles don't exist anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She blows out the candle, and she's like, she's Rachel Smith. And she's like, I just wish I was a star.

She wakes up the next day, and everyone's like, Rachel Star is on stage today. And she also can suck dick. Okay, speaking with stars, I have Luna Star, who is a big fan of crystals and astrology. The moon. And things like that. She's a moon girl?

Yeah, yeah. She's all about of crystals and astrology. The moon. And things like that. She's a moon girl. Yeah, yeah. She's all about healing crystals and teaching kids about Mercury in retrograde. She's basically Gracie Tracy. Gracie Tracy fighting crime with the moon. She uses the tides to like, okay, now, strike now because it's high tide over here. I like how everyone fights crime. I don't know. Everything I've gone to is fighting crime

or the legal system or whatever. Yeah, Hannah Montana is decidedly not a crime fighter. What happened was I started with the Bell of Danger and that just became Darkwing Duck in my mind and everyone after that became a crime fighter. What else do I have? Oh, Melissa Midwest. She's like not really a porn star.

Remember her though? Yeah. That's a perfect one for what started this with Alexis Texas Hannah Montana. She just runs a farm in town. She's like a child farmer. Okay. Like the Doogie Howser of farms. Riley Reid is just Reading Rainbow. I was going to say,

there's a word change for you. She just reads books. It's her and fucking... What's his name? Who's the reading rainbow guy? LeVar Burton. LeVar Burton, yeah. And then they...

Take a look. It's in my ass. Just her pulling her ass apart. And you go into it. Like a rainbow goes in. And you go in. Yes. And there's just a book that opens up.

My God. Oh, my God. No, it comes... It starts closed. And then it peels down's just a book that opens up. My God. Oh, my God. No, it comes. It starts closed. And then it peels down. Like a book. Like, her ass is like a book that opens. Opens like that.

There's like pages. And then it's her asshole at the end. And you go inside it. Everything's in that Chinese font, too. I don't know. I think I'm. I have Reggie LaCroix, who. Uses a seltzer? Well, sheCroix who uses seltzer well she

she fights crime with seltzer she she teaches kids all the dangers of sugary drinks okay I like that yeah it's better to have water

than LaCroix I have Madison Ivey she is a a city girl from Manhattan she lives on Madison Avenue but she uses like

the the nature around her like poison ivy from uh from batman to fight cry to fight cry to fight cry she it's like jumanji she gets like like vines and shit to like grab the bad guys and fights cry everybody's fighting crime is unbelievable what a segment disney. Disney stars as porn stars. I mean, porn stars as Disney stars. We could do, you know, have fun at home, kids. Submit your own because there are more porn stars.

There are definitely more porn stars than murderers, I've decided, because you can rattle off a thousand more of these. So tweet at us at KOC Radio. I have a couple here. Oh, yeah, let's go. Nick's pick. My best one. A man trying to get away from his checkered past decides to become a priest johnny sins

i didn't think of the guys i didn't think of the guys either i had jordy el poyo nino i i figured out what he would do i did oh yeah no well, no. No, El Pollo Nino, he is like Captain Planet. He uses the winds and the waters, say it with me now, to fight crime. He can control hurricanes and whatnot to stop the evil. Oh, man, there's a ton of, I mean, James Dean. After the death of her mountain climber father, Annabelle vows to be the youngest woman to climb Mount Everest. Annabelle Peaks. His taglines are great.

Annabelle Peaks also, what up? Throwback. Throwback. Man, that makes me want to do more and more. Tweet at us. Let us know your best one. Tweet at us with the names with the hashtag Disney porn

so that way we can find them all click it and we'll find the best I bet you that are you know what do a little search for that hashtag I bet you there's already some weird shit out there all sorts of cartoon porn that already exists but yeah that's you know and Disney like get at us for some of these ideas or Pornhub

very popular hashtag. I can imagine. Very popular one? Yeah. Disney, do Disney porn names. Nick says we got a doozy. So I say we dive right into that one, Nick. All right.

KFC fights super producer BC or Nick and Jackie. First time caller, long time listener. I've got a weird one for you definitely don't think you have handled like this I'm 28 years old I have been married to the girl I have been dating since 14 so I have more lives spent together she's the only girl I've ever been with and only girl ever will be with I know that sounds really confident with divorce rates over 50 but I can say that confidently because I'm actually gay. And she knows.

I found this out about two years ago, 12 years into our relationship. And I never hid it from her, told her right away. And we decided we still want to stay together. So we actually got married and had our kid all fully knowing I was gay. So we basically established our family as gay men. Anyway, we are now starting to tell friends. About five of our friends know now. They've all been super accepting and supportive.

Obviously, they have questions. It's a very weird situation. Not to pretend that it's not. And ideally, in the years, we would like to have told our entire close friend group, which is about 14 people, 20 if we're counting significant others. So what I'm curious about is after our friend group knows, how many of our close friends can I expect to try and have sex with my wife? I don't care. I don't care.

Anyway. Did you hear that? What did he say? Rewind it. He probably wouldn't do it. He got too much of a laugh. To try and have sex with my wife. I don't care.

We're in an open marriage. Fuck whoever you want, right? That's the kid in the background. Anyway, she said it'd be weird. She probably wouldn't do it. So it's probably a moot point to be asking this. I'm just curious. How many of them do you think will make a move

thanks okay we'll get to the question in a minute we got a lot to unpack here there is so much I love this family I think I do too I love this family I think it's incredible I think it's so fucking modern and mature

and like adult and I mean shout out to her. That that's, she's the real superstar here. You know, he found his way and he like, and, and shout out to him for being like honest about it and just having the

courage to speak up. But for her to be like, you know, we can still do what we do here. Um, you want to get gay married in an open relationship? Let's fucking do it. Like that.

I'll fucking marry you right now. Essentially. That's what happened, right? They found just someone they like appreciate and want to spend their life with, relationship let's fucking do it like that i'll fucking marry you right now essentially that's what happened right they found just someone they like appreciate and want to spend their life with but we have just not someone they want to fuck we didn't fuck for many years prior to that i don't care i'm just saying there is a difference there's a difference but essentially it's the same thing like i like this is what marriage should be i've always said that connecting like your your financial well-being your financial life to your like emotions is crazy it's kind of crazy to attach like your familial

unit to your um your relationship emotions relationship emotions are so erratic and illogical and like you know for your family and your kids you need like a rock you need like a friendship you know so have your have kids with your friends and fuck other people that's the way families work genius that's brilliant this guy just changed the game i mean like she she think about what was her deal when she when he was like she was probably like i've been fucking other people for a long time okay i i like his like like i i i feel like he's not actually gay he just said that to try and get out of a relationship and she called yeah well i i think i would rather i know some

people uh wear it as like a like a scarlet letter like you turned someone gay or something like that i'd rather someone dump me because they're gay than dump me because they don't like me oh for sure or they don't like me but they, for sure. Or they don't like me, but they're not attracting, you know, because their body's like rejecting me. I just don't like penises. Yeah, if it was just like, if they're like, I have been with you, I like dick, just not like yours and you, and I choose to have you not around, that hurts. Yeah. If you just say to me, I'm just being honest, I finally admitted it to myself and to you, I don't like your entire gender, I'd be like, cool. Cool.

But I still, you know, you're still great, like you still work still work hard you're still dedicated you're still admirable you you raise the kid like let's just keep doing this i think it's incredible so how did he fuck her to have the kid or you think it's ivf like i guess like i guess like it's how i mean he was like i've been with one girl and like i think he i think he was fucking her probably not like the frequency of a straight couple right but i it sounds i don't think it was oh no i think i mean they were together 12 years yeah it was like there was plenty of sex being held years yeah i think that kid's is it weird we haven't had sex i think it's so i mean i think it's his it's definitely his but just like i don't did you do it the old-fashioned way or did you do it like a little

sciencey way no i mean it sounds like this was like after the fact after the kid he admitted it i think it's so crazy to me. I just being in the closet. It wasn't after the kid. It was before the kid. Before the kid came out. Yeah. Oh, OK.

Because I was like, why would they do it? I'd be up. Oh, so you're saying after the fact. Oh, then maybe it might maybe it is IVF because it's like

I think once you admit to yourself and come out of the closet, do you think you don't have to keep fucking pussies after that? Do you think you even could? I can understand.

Part of me, it blows my mind being in the closet Part of me, it blows my mind. Being in the closet and going through that stress blows my mind. My hat goes off to anybody who did it. Where you're just like, all right, I'll just fuck this girl. I would never be like, I'll just fuck this guy because it's more complicated if I don't. I just can't. It's not going to happen.

How do you get your dick hard for a pussy? I mean, if you don't like vaginas, they are scary. You know what I mean? I mean, if you like vaginas, they're scary. Right. So to be able to be like, but I get it where you're like, it's a defense mechanism almost. But once you've come out and it's out there, I don't think you can get hard for the opposite sex anymore ever again. Maybe.

I mean, I'm just speculating. But to me, you'd be like, I lived that lie for 12 years, 15 years, 25 years. I can't get it up for pussy anymore. I'm sick of warm, silky holes. I know. That's the other thing, too, though. It's like, this pussy anymore. I'm sick of warm, silky holes. I know. That's the other thing, too, though. It's like, this objectively feels good on a dick. It just does, okay?

Yeah, that's why you fucking move up to jerk off and stuff. You could say that about assholes, though. It's like, when you fucking go around the ass, it feels good. So a guy could be like, objectively, this feels good, dude. But no, no, no, no. That's true. Yeah, but my balls are slapping yours, so that's a problem, dude. But yeah, it is.

It's a funny world. Now, I would say it's probably going to be a difficult conversation to have with your kids one day, but I'm going to have to. Plenty of people have to have weird conversations with their kids. You have to tell them. Well, I guess you could just say you're divorced. Huh? You could just say you're divorced huh you could just say like you're divorced they're not divorced but like mommy and like they're i mean i'm assuming they're

eventually he's gonna be with a man she's gonna go find out a man she likes i don't think so oh i definitely think so i think i think then otherwise there's no point to even like bring any of this up i think she's gonna go like find another man for sure oh i i think they're just gonna remain celibate i think let'sate, they're in an open marriage. Then fuck other people. Oh, okay, fine. So maybe they don't get married again or have, but like when mommy goes out on a date or some shit like that,

you just hide that for their entire lives? Yeah, fuck that, dude. I never ask questions. Like, yeah, you going to work? Okay, see you later. But what about when you're like 25? It's one thing when you're a kid and you can get around that. When you're 25, I don't think you'd notice either.

I wouldn't know, like, when I was 25. Also, by then, you're probably not fucking. It's like when your parents are 65, it's not like they're going out on dates getting banged out. Right. Maybe they are. These two have flipped the script.

You're just chilling at home watching TV. You just got someone you like who you watch TV with. Right. That's amazing. God, that sounds great. My biggest problem in marriage

was we couldn't do that. There's a lot of things. But that, to me, is when... that's when it gets overbearing, where it's like, I can't even go home. We fight all the time. We can't just hang out and watch TV. We can't have fun together. Forget about the rest of it.

So if you can just continue to do that, and you just find the sex elsewhere. I'm telling you, having sex with your spouse is the worst thing possible. It is the most complicated thing ever you just do it with someone else if everybody agreed to do with someone else see because i i remember thinking like i'm unhappy i wouldn't be able to do that though i mean obviously if we're in a gay relationship or if i'm gay it's different but like if if if you were in an open marriage a heterosexual

open marriage i couldn't do that i couldn't spend that. Because you'd be jealous of them getting fucked? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I agree. I agree. But that is a thing that, like, that is a kind of, I think it's, I don't want to, the word immature is too strong, but it's a little bit, it's an emotion that, like, you could get over if you, like, that is kind of something I think you're kind of like it's an insecurity of yours to be like yeah right it's absolutely insecure right but i'm saying if you weren't

you could get over that like you could do it it's not something that's like that like completely unbelievable to be like i have i'm gonna have sex with this person that's gonna make me happy and you're gonna have sex with that person and like i'm gonna get over my insecurity and we're gonna make this work i don't think i could no i again i and i and i will not begrudge anybody who could not get over it because that's like you just come home and just get into bed after just having sex with someone else i would not be thrilled about that right but again that is something that i do think that's like part of me thinks that's natural and like you're programmed to be like that's my that's my girl like but part of me thinks that is a little like society has kind of created that and if you can navigate that again not for everybody and i don't begrudge anybody who can't but if you can

i think you unlock like a higher level of relationship i think it's like the galaxy brain thing it's like i have sex with my spouse it's a normal brain like i have an open relationship i have a gay open relationship i have a gay relationship with my kid like galaxy these these gonna be the happiest motherfuckers in the world. You think so? I just think that it's like you get your – I think if you have sex with someone else, again, I mean it's yes and no. Because part of me thinks someone's going to catch feelings. Someone's going to get insecure.

Someone's feelings are going to get hurt. If somehow – I think that's in a heterosexualism. I think if you're gay, there's no jealousy. If she comes home and she's like, oh, my God, this dude just bangs me out. You think he's like, oh, word? Can I get his number? Yeah.

Like, they're just girlfriends about it. Like, what was his dick like? Yeah. I think so. Show me pictures. I don't think he wants to. I don't think that's his number or her number. But, like, I bet, like, you can have an actual discussion

about how sex works. If it is hetero, it gets wildly complicated. But I do think if you can, you know, same thing, just open relationships in general. It's just like, that ain't for me. But there are people who are like,

I don't value monogamy or whatever on the same level you do. So I can do this. It's not for you, but it's for me. And they're probably really fucking happy because they just have someone who they probably like. i don't think anyone's happy i think every open relationship is period just period yeah i agree i just i disagree with people who are like i just i just i don't fundamentally don't understand i think that we have reached a point where everybody

in the world is independent enough and has their own hopes dreams career ambition ability to achieve all those things and really like they call it settling down for a reason. Cause you like settle, you know what I mean? And I think on some level, everybody just ends up being a little bit resentful of like, well, like I could have done this or I should have done that. And I ended up like, we're good together, but like you, you hold me back from this or that thing or whatever. Just over the course of time, eventually you're're going to be a little resentful of someone, right? I would think so. Over 20, 30, 40 years.

So can you ever really – I don't think I've ever resented anybody, though. Resent is such a weird word. I resent myself. I hate them. I think you resent meaning there's something about you that you're not doing anything wrong, but let's be honest, I could have done X, Y, Z, or, you know, whatever it is, that being in this, like, relationship where you have to give up some of yourself.

You have to be like, I think we have reached a point in the world where everyone's pretty selfish, and being in a relationship is selfless, and eventually part of you is going to be like, well, I, you know, I could have been more about me, me, me, and you, you know, if you're a reciprocate. Yeah, yeah. But, again, with this, like gay twist maybe not it's like you didn't hold me back from shit you know i mean now but now to his question i don't think this changes we i think we've had this discussion before i think i asked you like if i went gay would you like fuck and you said no i mean i think i think

close friends still respect it no matter what you have some kind of bond i'm not gonna if I went gay, would you, like, fuck? And you said no. No, I wouldn't. I think close friends still respect it no matter what. You have some kind of bond. I'm not going to. If you go gay, I'm not fucking your wife. That's just. What if I was like, I condone it? Or like, you know what? Then I wouldn't do it either.

I'm like, he wants you to. That's weird. But how about this? Like, you have some sort of love for this girl, clearly. It's the mother of your kid. You have this bond that I think is like one in a trillion. So you could argue that you're like the best relationship ever. Would I want to know that she's in like good hands or some shit or like with some stranger she met at the club?

Maybe I want you to fuck her. Fuck my friend. Fuck my wife. You know, maybe I know that guy. He's like clean. He's good. He's going to treat her right. Like it's better him than fucking, you know, some guy she meets in an alleyway some fucking great there's a happy medium but yeah it's like all right i met this i met this guy

on tinder and fucked him tonight it's like well i don't know i would fuck john he's in he probably would like buy you dinner too yeah i will i definitely would yeah oh it's all about you you would treat my ex wonderfully man i mean i i think you got some bad friends though if it's just like what you're gay floodgates let's fuck stacy let's gangbanger he's a fucking gay let's banger her i mean that's that is some extreme shit right there but man what a story and i mean i just love like that's the kid that's the kid in the back you can tell i mean you can tell from his voice that he's just like there's no he's not like embarrassed he's not humiliated by it he's totally secure and he's just like yeah here's my story i don't think i would tell my friends i mean i'm sure it took a long time i don't think i just told him right away but i think

eventually you have to i think eventually that's a lie that like you just yeah that's true i'd probably get drunk one night one time yeah yeah i was gonna say i think you say that and then you'd get on the podcast like i got a story yeah yeah yeah so it came out to my girlfriend today she wants to get married i wonder if uh i would imagine if you if you have kids and and this marriage and everything that it would come as a surprise but i wonder if they're like yeah man like we knew this whole time i feel like i feel like that probably happens like an alcohol like in Out Cold when they come out. I mean, I don't remember it well enough. What a movie.

Out Cold, he's like, I have an announcement. He's not making the announcement they all think. He's like, you're gay? Yeah. He's like, what? Me? Guys, it's actually Roy from The Office. I am now putting that together.

Yes, yes, yes. Fuck you. I'm gay? Yeah, right. Like, yo, we've all known forever. No one cares. I bet you it's like that. I bet you more often than not, in general, it's like that with people coming out.

It's probably like the worst kept secret. I feel like you can usually tell. Yeah. And then, but with this one, maybe not. It's like been years and family and marriage, but God, I love them. I love for them to just call up all the time and just let us know what's going on in your life. I love it. Because that should be a reality TV show. It really should. I love it. Because that should be a reality TV show. It really should.

I really should. And you know you can come up with a clever name, like a double entendre about open marriage and gay and whatever it is. I'm gay. My wife doesn't care. It should be like gay and proud. I'm proud of it.

We're just doing it. I think that, I mean, I have thought through every variation of relationships and monogamy and open relationships and marriage and everything just trying to figure out like what i did wrong what i did right what i should do next what what am i about what do i want what do i not want and i think ultimately what i realized is like i probably would function better in a vacuum in some sort of modern alternative open thing but knowing that it's like because it's weird from everyone else would be like my problem right like i still have insecurities and i still would be weirded out by things and i still would be nervous that other people would

judge because everyone else if everyone did it i'd be down but because it would just be me i'd be like uh i have to explain to people and then they're going to judge me and i still have some insecurities about it because it's not a normal thing that i can talk to with you like if both of us were like man doesn't it suck when like your girlfriend bangs other guys you know but if you bear that by yourself it would it sucks so uh until like basically until the entire rest of the world uh changes uh you know just just swallow it hopefully not literally but who knows who knows wow that one put it in the history books that's ac radio and just like the literal like relationship history

books that's the kid in the back that's the yeah that's the fucking kid that's what i'm talking about that's my little like gay straight trophy what I'm talking about. That's my little, like, gay straight trophy. Whatever. I'm going to tell him one day. I hope everyone had a happy new year. Merry Christmas. I hope everyone stayed safe. You know, this time of year, there's a lot of parties going on.

A lot of people are drinking more than usual. But no matter what, you cannot get behind the wheel of a car if you've been drinking. For real. This isn't just an ad read. This is more, you should know this by now. You should live this by now. And if you don't, you're a fucking asshole. Anybody who still will get behind the wheel drunk. It's insane to do in the year 2020. You have 50,000 apps on your phone that can get you from point A to point B for minimal money. There's no macho, oh, I'll drive my own car nonsense going on anymore.

And that's why NHTSA wants you to know that they are running their impaired driving campaign right now to make sure that people are aware that it's still a problem even today and that we need to make sure nobody out there is driving while impaired. So drive sober or get pulled over, always use the apps, always have a designated driver, and make sure that the rest of this holiday season and winter season and from here on out forever that you don't hurt yourself or hurt anybody else, your loved ones, strangers on the road.

Don't get behind the wheel if you've been drinking. We're going to unleash the second ever callback, KFC Radio callback. I like how the callbacks have to be. It's not going to call back someone every week. It's got to be real worthy. I'd say maybe like three times a year. And I think you can guess which one we're maybe calling back on. We're going to talk to the guy who came out of the closet to his fiancée.

They decided to get married, stay married, have a kid together, and they sound like they're the happiest couple in the world. Yo, you there? Yo. Yo, what's up, man? How are you? What's up, bro? How we doing?

Doing good, guys. This is pretty crazy that this uh all happened like this well first of all what's your name i'm joe joe okay uh well here's the thing joe i can understand it's it's it's crazy you know when i first texted you you were like skeptical didn't even know if it was real and i get it and i can even understand being like whoa i i i can't believe this blew up but at the same time you have to, A, your story is crazy unorthodox. And, B, your storytelling skills and the call you left was fucking amazing. So it actually doesn't surprise me that this is one of the biggest calls we've ever gotten.

Well, I'm not going to lie. I really did appreciate how you liked my voice. I actually do work in radio, too. So I got one person that is recognizing recognizing another yeah honestly it did sound like a professional pretty crazy i mean i guess like part of me did think this would end up on the show but at the same time when i heard my voice in the show the holy shit do you realize that like there's like a significant chance you've changed the world? Really?

I mean, we're joking about it, and it's so funny and entertaining, but on a very real level, I think it's inspirational. I think it's motivational. I think it's setting an example. It's so progressive. It's incredible, man. I mean, thank you, guys. Now I know if I ever need an ego lip from our relationship,

I'm just going to listen to this. Yeah, just keep calling us. We'll keep telling you you so how did it go when you first told her was it like oh was it like a costanza like nah i don't care we're not breaking up or was it like uh you know what that's okay like i think we can i think there's actually something special here that like is is very different and like an interesting way to raise a family well yeah i mean we had been together since eighth grade and there was never a doubt in my mind that this was a girl i could spend my life with but at the same time like there was a pretty glaring obvious problem there had to be a little bit of a doubt maybe your dick had a doubt i don't know there had to be something in there

saying well wait a minute right one day we finally decided to say hey what's wrong here let's try and figure this out so well that was my question was there like uh you know was there like in the bedroom or something was like a little off like she she wasn't like totally blindsided by it no she wasn't blind it was kind of one of those oh wow this makes sounds like a light bulb yeah all the pieces fit after the fact like actually she said many times, like, it makes her feel so much better that this is the case. And it wasn't her. Like, it was like, it was all on my end.

Like, there was nothing wrong on her end. She was doing everything right. But, you know, the guy over here, he just wasn't performing. One of those. Hand up, coach. It was my fault, you know. One of those true, like, it's not you it's me yeah yeah you were the true and the only example of that being real man yeah yeah i was like michael

thomas like refusing to admit i was injured you know i mean was that a struggle uh like you know for you to you had to come out basically to yourself at one point in a minute you had to talk to your family talk to her honestly basically to yourself at one point in a minute. You had to talk to your family, talk to her. Honestly, we pretty much figured it out together. Interesting. Like one night having a combo? The spare details, we were kind of like, you know, looking into things that could be the problem. And then like one thing led to another.

I was like, holy shit, like I might be bisexual. And she was like, no, you're gay. I was like, boom. And all this like, boom, floodgates opened. Everything made sense. And I was like, no, you're gay. And I was like, boom. And all this, like, boom, floodgates opened. Everything made sense. And I was like, oh, okay, yeah. That makes a lot of sense. And then we tested it.

And it was like, yeah, that definitely is. Tested it. So prior to that, you never had been with a guy or anything like that? She was the only one there. Like I said, I never, like, wanted to leave her. I never wanted anything else it was like yeah i probably have ed oh well whatever she's not complaining it shouldn't be a problem right right so we'll get back to her and the kids in a second but

that first time that you bang a guy after realizing it has got to be awesome right or no maybe it's scary, maybe you were nervous. I was going to say stressful. I better be fucking right. That's like almost like cutting the wire at the end of the movie. It's either red or blue. I'm going blue! It better be right!

I mean, honestly, it's like how did I do that for 12 years? Yeah. What was I thinking? Like, holy shit, that was, I thought, I thought those were orgasms. So you weren't even getting, you were getting, you were getting, you know, you were in there, you were getting hard, but you weren't getting off? I mean, you could say I was getting hard, but let's be honest, it was probably 50% capacity.

But, oh yeah, but so, I mean, you were, it wasn't like you guys just were not having sex or trying like you know yeah no we totally like had a physical relationship i mean like i maybe like once a month we do it yeah it just kind of be like you know all right here we go i gotta do this again but like it never was like a ew you know i never was thinking oh i don't want to have sex with the girl it's more like uh it just seemed like too much work and i thought that was it like i'm lazy i smoke pot maybe i'm just like a lazy pothead who's not attention span for sex right no that wasn't it so when you came to now you the the the baby came two years after did you go that we we kind of talked about on the show i don't know if you've listened to this episode yet

but the we wondered if it was ivF or did you go regular with it? We did it all natural. I guess I left out pretty big information. This all happened three months before our wedding. So we were like, all right, this is a game-time decision. We got to decide, can we do this? Is this worth it? Are we fooling ourselves?

And we were like, no, this changes nothing. Our sex life has never been good that's not why we're together so like this isn't gonna change anything else i'm still the same guy you're still the same girl like it's not like i'm changing my personality at all yeah now we're there yeah that sounds great was it partly even even a little bit influenced by like look we don't want to tell the whole family let's just do this was it even a little bit influenced by like look we got a lot of money investing yeah we don't financial you don't want to be embarrassed you don't want to tell the whole family, let's just do this? Was it even a little bit influenced by, like, look, we got a lot of money invested in this. Yeah, financial, you don't want to be embarrassed, you don't want to go through the headache.

We did make the joke, like, hey, let's go through the wedding, and if it doesn't work, we can split all the money down the middle and go our own ways. But there was no, like, familial pressure. There was no religion involved. We just didn't want to break up, and we decided, like, let's still do this. Like, this is going to work. religion involved we just didn't want to break up and we decided like let's still do this well

like this is gonna work i said that like my i feel like uh mixing sex with your spouse is almost the problem which sounds so silly but it's like we get you we like sex and and and that aspect of relationships can cause so many problems with jealousy and desire and all that shit and it gets in the way of everything you just described. My personality and my love for her and we could raise kids together.

So in a weird way, you guys just took out the thing that can cause a lot of complication and now you get to focus on the shit that really matters. That's why I think you changed the world. We actually have a little term together.

It's called no sexpectation. Because before we thought I was straight, you know, we're going to have sex. You almost expect it to be good, but it's never going to be good. So obviously that's going to take a toll on your psyche. So now we're like, there's no sexpectation. Say more like, I don't have to perform. I don't have to be this alpha male and woo you off your feet i'm just your best friend you're your husband it's like we say when you go out to dinner and you drink instead of having sex you know she's having a bunch of shots i'm having

shots she knows i'm not going to be able to get hard there's no sexpectations what we're going to do tonight is just have a good old-fashioned like party we're gonna have a good time and those are that's what you have the most fun right and that's are the most fun nights. And that's what Joe did with his life, with his wife, you know? Exactly. It's brilliant, and it's like I can't believe it took us this long. You know what's ruining marriages? Sex. Sex.

I would have guessed that before Joe. Joe kind of opened my eyes to it almost like his wife opened his eyes to him being gay. It was like sex just ruins everything. And I've always known, but it's even more clear now. You know, sexpectations was a huge problem with me. Joe was getting more laid than I was in my marriage and he's gay. So it definitely is an issue. And I think usually it results in a breakup or blaming or whatever.

And you guys were just like kind of mature enough and in love, like true love enough to be like, well, you know, fuck it. Let's just keep doing all the good stuff now. I can actually honestly say we have been happier than ever since the day I realized. Does not surprise me. I think that you guys, you're probably the happiest couple I know,

probably the happiest couple on the fucking planet because everyone else is caught up in the bullshit. But your question was a bit troubling. Was that more for maybe entertainment sake or were you actually like i'm not gonna lie that was just i felt like i'm not just gonna like ask for advice my situation i gotta bar stool this up okay all right yeah yeah and i appreciate that because it was a funny it is a funny uh kind of hypothetical and it did we've had a couple good comments notice if i didn't throw that question on you.

Yeah, and I talked about it today with Jared on CCK. And it opens up the door to conversation of like, what's guy code? Could you hook up with a girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend, a sister, all that shit? So I do appreciate that. But you're not actually worried about your friends banging your wife? No, I'm not worried about it. And if it did happen, I would be like, awesome. Now, you guys made the point on the podcast that if it did happen, I would be like, awesome. Now,

see, I actually, yeah, I think I've, I think I, at first I think I said I wouldn't do it and the more I've thought about it,

I think I probably would because like, there are always, in a friend group, there's always like a different smattering of girlfriends and wives and stuff like that

and there's some who are just like, they're fine, they're there and there's some who you really hit it off with, who you have like, great chemistry with and in that. And there's some who are just like, they're fine. They're there. And then there's some who you really hit it off with who you have like great chemistry with. And in the back of your mind, you're always like, I wonder if we would have worked.

Right. And if it's like, definitely you want to take a spin, like you can, like, I'm not gonna, I'm not interested. I'd be like,

well, now I guess maybe. Has there, is there any friends like that? It's almost like getting approval is weird. I don't want to have to ask permission. Okay, so if there was a guy, would you – I had the conversation with Jared today. Do you ask for permission?

Do you hide it until you can't anymore? Would you want somebody to come up to you and say, like, I think I might have feelings for your wife or – which is crazy. I think it might be good together. Or what if they came to you and said, like, we've kind of been talking already for a month or maybe we've even hooked up and we think we might like each other. Is this OK with you? Is that is there any where's your level of like betrayal on this? I wouldn't be betrayed at all, because you have to be realistic situation.

Yes, we are, I would say, madly in love. And the plan is to stay together forever but like at the same time if something happens like that you can't blame her like if she found a guy who can have sex with her and do what i can like i don't feel like hey if you want to go ahead if it's the friend of mine i wouldn't care either like yeah be realistic the situation i would so you situation. I would honestly love to stay together forever. Your plan is to stay together forever and then just get sex from outside people. Exactly. You know, she's out with girlfriends and a guy hits on her and she can go home with him.

I don't care. I'll find out about it tomorrow. What about if, I guess it would be rare, like you guys wouldn't be out to dinner and some guy comes up and hits on her because people would assume that you're, like, together. But, like, is there any, are there any rules, like, ground rules for anybody out there trying to experiment with this? The only ground rules we have is, like, no birthdays, no holidays. Spend those together with the family. Other than that, like, I'll say we're up together, and some hot guy comes up and hits on her, and she's like, hey, like, you mind? I'll be like, no, by all means, like, he's hot, go hot go for it you you're like well the only problem is i want to fuck him

would there ever be a threesome on the table oh definitely on the table we have not done it yet but it's on the table hell yeah hell yeah brother it's very on the table what's mine mine is yours, right? Don't you have to share it with me? Yeah. We're a family now. And I mean, but like you said, let's be realistic. Like people do catch feelings. It's very hard to just keep it physical.

Yeah. Our number one rule is openness. Like if you happen to catch feelings, tell me about it. I'm not going to be mad. I might even like encourage you to explore them. But also this is possible for you too. Right. Yeah. You keep talking about her, man. I might even encourage you to explore it. But also, this is possible for you, too. Right. Yeah, you keep talking about her, man.

I feel like you're a very selfless guy. I think you got to think about, you know, you might find the guy who sweeps you off your feet. You've been, you know, torturing yourself for 15 whatever years, how long. You deserve to maybe find the guy who fits for you. Well, honestly, that's what she's worried that I'm going to be the one to catch feelings. I'm like, nah, I don't care enough to catch feelings. I've already used all my feelings on you. That's very sweet.

I mean, that's so fucking romantic, man. You are a great guy. But what if – I'm not twice, but I am romantic. Is there any chance that you would maybe get divorced under good terms, though? It's like, I'm going to marry this guy. You're going to marry this girl uh this other guy will have like step kids step parent situations and be like one we've always like we're not afraid to talk about this we've always said if that happens a

small chance it happens honestly we feel like living on the same street you know like being best of friends like just down the block so i can see my kid every day that's my dream man you fucking change the game. I know. Every morning, you know, like I wouldn't care. I'd be great. I mean, obviously, obviously I would love for us to stay together, but we don't ignore that part of it. That's my dream, dude. I'm like hoping to come into a little bit of money in the next few years,

and I keep thinking to myself, like, what if I just get like a couple houses on the same block, and like her and her boyfriend or new husband can live there, and I can live here, and like we can just like play in the backyard. I can see them from my house, but we have separation, but we are going to all be together. And it sounds like kind of crazy given the way,

you know, we all grew up. How old are you, Joe? I'm 28. Yeah. So we're all like in the same ballpark. And that's just like how we,

you know, that we're raised to think that's weird, but it's like, but maybe it's fucking awesome. Maybe that would be a cool way to do it where everyone's happy, but also still in each other's lives. And you're getting all the important parts from people. Yeah.

There's no like real one size fits all for a family anyway. Yeah. Takes a village, right? Might as well just fucking build a village with all the people I know. Your own village. Yeah, it is. It kind of is corny to come back it all it all boils down to communication it's just

like well we'll talk about if you fall in love with somebody we'll talk about it if i was gay and i talked about it you find someone else we'll talk about it if we want to get a divorce we'll talk about it is there any trepidation with uh telling your kid one day or no we're still on the fence with that i mean obviously he's just one now so we're not gonna never worry anytime soon but you never know because what if it's like the point because we're not against like getting to the point where like we have side relationships like we might both have a boyfriend it's not going to be like a you know future relationship type thing but like a guy might be over at the house all the time like we're not sure if he's a big

uncle jerry or is he going to be Mom or Dad's boyfriend. Yeah. I mean, I do think, though, the key in those situations is just like making sure everybody is communicated with well and feels loved and all that stuff. And I feel like you guys are like the gold star example, like banner of it. So I think like no matter what you decide to do, you guys will probably handle it the right way. gold star example like banner of it so i think like no matter what you decide to do you'll you

guys will probably handle it the right way because i mean you know what you know when people call like relate um like celebrity couples mom and dad joe and his wife are like mom and dad to me like they are you guys are fucking incredible man you're you're the you're everybody's uh inspiration i don't want to fangirl much here but hearing you guys support it actually made my day no i'm hearing the idea of that made my day i'm like the wheels are spinning i'm like i just maybe i'll just say that i was gay and i'll do this too because it sounds amazing let me ask you one more question i want to pry too much because i feel like i'm just asking you all these personal questions but i i've never talked to somebody who was in

the closet and trying to be straight i that just wrapping my mind around that is crazy to me and it sounds like, you know, there were times where you struggled with it and weren't able to do it, but other times you just kind of like, well, you close your eyes and pretend or your, your body, you know, your mind just kind of like blocks it out and gets the job done. I just, that to me is so hard to like, you have to go to a completely different place. You can't focus on what's actually happening or else obviously it's going to be a distraction. So it's kind of like just do this

and get through it. Right. That's fucking hard, man. And I don't mean like just doing that. I mean like that's hard on your psyche and stuff like that. It wasn't hard and that was the problem. But... I mean it objectively kind of feels good though, right?

Yeah, no. It kind of does. I mean I'm objectively kind of feels good, though, right? Yeah, no, it kind of does. I mean, I'm not going to lie. Well, I had to be said this on the podcast. I'm like, it has to feel good. And then it's like, well, then why don't you just go bang a dude, Kevin? It feels good. It's not really how it works, man. It's crazy how mental it is.

I mean, it wasn't the hardest thing. Like I said, for 12 years, I wasn't like, I didn't know a case. I wasn't like thinking of guys. I was just like, all right, this is like just another form of jerking off, I guess. Yeah, interesting. Right, right. I'm not into this. I've got to do it, and hopefully I finish.

Amazing, man. You and your wife are literally, like I said, not even exaggerating, an inspiration, a motivation for people to do it the right way as a as like a divorce guy like i i just i wish i handled a lot of things the way you guys did with communication and everything so i really feel like for uh people going through relationship issues or sexuality issues or family issues you guys are legitimately uh like a very good example for i think how people should handle their stuff thank Thank you, man. It means a lot to hear. I still am in shock this whole thing has gotten to this level, to be honest. It is.

I did feel bad because it obviously has gotten a lot of attention on Twitter and Instagram and stuff like that. And I think one of your lines in the voice that was like, we're hoping to tell all our close friends, which is 14 to 20 people by the end of the year, I think. And I was like, oh, shit, I forgot. I didn't realize that. Yeah. I think they might know. like, oh, shit, I forgot. I didn't realize that. Yeah.

I think they might know. Yeah, well, here's the easiest way. Just send this podcast to them. Yeah, exactly. We're not trying to hide it, so whatever, you know? Well, thanks for the time. Thanks for the voicemail. Appreciate it, and good luck with everything, man.

Thanks so much, guys. Thanks for calling me. This was crazy still. I'm still in shock, kind of. Don't be a stranger, man. Thanks so much, guys. Thanks for calling me. This was crazy still. I'm still in shock on it. Don't be a stranger, man. Joe will be in touch. You might have to be like, you know, we'll consult you. What do you think of this?

How should they handle that? You got the right stuff, man. Thanks a lot. Text me anytime, guys. If you need gay advice, I got you. I am going to go with thinking that someone's waving at you, but it's like behind you. So you're like, yeah, no, not me, not me. And it's usually quick enough and nobody else realizes it but you on the inside, again, contemplating suicide.

Where you're like, what can I help? Yeah, sure. And it's like, why would that person? Total stranger. Or like, why would they be talking to me? Of course they're talking to like the person behind me because that's where they work or that's where blah, blah, blah. Like, no, no one wants you ever. That's so – because ultimately –

Such a mean thing to hear. That's what it is. No one wants you literally ever. That's why it hurts so much because it's a narcissistic thing that you're like, oh, what? You must be – you must need me. You must be – like, how can I help? How can I – me, be of assistance? I will grace you with my help.

Oh, no, you don't want me at all. Never mind. It's an ego check for sure. Two, getting nuggeted. Backpack. Backpack, that was on my list. Another thing where people just go out of their way to do it to you and they have cohorts.

Some people are fucking distracting you while they're fucking taking all your books out. I used to really pull a trick on them, though, because guess what? My backpack was full of trash. Why? We're just like rappers. Just like, I finish my water bottle, just toss it in there. Candy bars and just like

stale granola bars. You go to fucking nugget him and you're like, there's a bottle of dip and like a half-eaten bag of chips. And you're like, oh, fuck. I mean, you are Charlie Kelly, man. Like, what's it like? Honestly, I could see Charlie Kelly carrying two bags. And they're like, what's the second bag for? He's like, my garbage.

That's my trash bag. I put all my garbage in there. Yeah, I got food in there. I mean, he just pulled out a moldy Tupperware full of leftovers. He's got dirty laundry. He's got three wrappers. Look at all this kids. A stray, I mean, stray pens, literal garbage.

Look how, I don't even want to touch this, but look how faded this is. This is like yellow. This is a napkin from Amtrak this is the last time you were on the fucking train man that is so old it is faded yellow this looks like a relic from the past look at this this peanut butter cup

oh my god it's just dust it's just dust it looks like moon rocks from the lunar surface. Look at all the trash in here. Make sure. Are you? Yeah, I mean.

John, John, John. Every day you wake up and you bring a bag of garbage to and from all your destinations. What? Why? You could leave the apartment, and you could say, I'm going to leave my bag of garbage here today and not have to carry this on my shoulders. And you say, nope, this trash is coming with me.

And then you get to work, you put it down, you don't do anything, and then you bring it back home with you. What is wrong with you? It's stuck to the... The clothing is stuck to the bag on the inside. Is that a sock? It's a sock! This sock is

forged. It is forged to the fabric of the bag. I can't even rip it off. What is this, John? John, John, John, John, John, look at me. John, look at me. We're having an intervention. I'll tell you what the number one most embarrassing thing that can happen to you is. You're

revealed to the world that you carry garbage in your knapsack everywhere you go. This is a lifelong trick on how to get back at people trying to nugget you. Make sure you got a bunch of rotten candy and trash in your bag. Joke's on them.

Oh, God. My bag's always filled with garbage. Oh, good nugget, asshole. They're covered in, like, syrup and, like, melted shit. Breaking into my backpack is like breaking breaking into kevin mccallister's home dude just over thanksgiving my brother-in-law was telling me a story

he uh he was like a menace in in high school and he used to fucking nugget people all the time so he had this one teacher he had a teacher that i had so like this kid started young so he was a pretty young teacher i guess and so he he tried to pull a power move john like he's putting the garbage back in. He's cleaning the dust into his hands and putting it back in the bag. We just described, we just decided it's all garbage, and rather than throw it out, he's putting it back. Someone tries to nugget me, Kevin.

This is just so you know, don't you ever dare try and nugget me. It's all going back in here. Message well received't you ever dare try and nugget me. All going back in here. Message well received. I will not try to nugget. Just look at him. What? Show the camera that. Show the fucking camera that.

It's just a package of ass. Honestly. And that was totally like, we didn't decide to do this until like five minutes before the show for anybody who thinks that maybe this was set up the man literally just carries around a bag of trash i cleaned it recently there used to be so much more trash in here until like like honestly you are despicable honestly like in like, in October, I cleaned this. Like, there was... Look at this.

Look at the desk, bro. Look at these coaches. I can't. I cannot. I don't know how we're supposed to do the rest of the list. Everything else is just going to, like, pale in comparison to this moment. All right. But first, we're starting off

with a little pre-recorded segment we did several days ago i texted the group on what was that thursday maybe and i said i will be in at 115 have the mark had the microphones running the cameras recording because i'm coming in hot because it was the day the morning that my car broke down and i was raging and losing my mind i actually like lost my mind later that day the car day i had like you know the only the car wasn't the only thing breaking down on thursday folks i mean i was surprised when this segment ended and you didn't start crying yeah i well i did later in the privacy it not even in the in the fucking uh goddamn jets no i definitely cry i shed tears during the goddamn jets i cried in like the little fucking like those little those little booths really yeah and i grabbed my shit and i ran out of here. I saw that. Okay, I saw you run out of here like that. I literally put my hood up

and I ran out because I was crying. So what I did is I went right home and I was like, you didn't even say bye. I was like, gotta go. I did see that. I ran out of here. But I did, I was like, that was an odd exit. Just gone. Head down. We're rolling.

You know, the mush when you're talking about, like, sports is one thing. The mush when it's, like, clearly your life is just a fucking problem. How often does inconvenient shit happen to me? It's not bad shit. I'm not going to go crazy. I'm not going to do what you think I'm going to do and flip out. I know that it's like, yeah, life pretty much is good. But something is always wrong in my life in a wildly inconvenient way.

So take me through what happened. So starting like yesterday, my car just starts going like, and at first it wasn't actually that bad, but I have a piece of shit car. I have probably like a 120 horsepower Hyundai. So the engine never sounds like good, you know? So it usually sounds like a fucking Mario Kart go-kart, you know? But then all of a sudden it's like. And that started like last night on the ride home.

And I was like, well, that fucking sucks. No, no lights are on except my tire pressure, which never works. I fill up the air with pressure. Two seconds later, it says there's there's no air in it. I don't know. My tires are fine. So I'm like, I don't know. But I get home and I'm like, that's a later problem.

And then I get in in the morning and now the engine is cold. So now it's like, and every time I hit the gas, there's no pickup. And I'm like, oh, fuck. So I know something's pretty wrong, but I'm like, I went over, I picked the kids up was taking them to school and then i was like all right like i gotta get to work and but i was like this is getting real bad so let me just like go to a local mechanic he's he's like he hears me pull in and he's like whoa like what's that noise and he's like it sounds like there's like a uh what do you say like a band that's like flapping you know and he pokes my his head in my car he sees there's no lights on.

He's like, how's your oil? I'm like, Chuck, oil's not on. We're fine, I guess. And I just got my... My registration has expired. And in my mind, I thought I was thinking inspection. So I took it to a place like a week ago and got the inspection updated. Which, I don't know, I guess maybe he didn't really do an inspection.

Because he was like, here you go, you're all good. So I'm thinking like, I don't know, I guess maybe he didn't really do an inspection because he was like, here you go. You're all good. So I'm thinking like, I don't know what the fuck's wrong. I just got it inspected and there's no lights on. So then, and it's a 2019.

It's not like I have like 250,000 miles on this thing. It's a 2019 model. And he checks it and he's like, he's like, no, the, the, the oil is low.

And I'm like, well, how the fuck was I supposed to know that if the goddamn fucking light's not on? I don't know when I'm supposed to check the fucking oil. I don't have like a feel for this thing. I'm not a car guy. It's a 2019. It's the year 2020.

I don't have a lot of miles on it. The light's not on. I don't know the fucking oil's low. So then he fills it up with oil. He fills the whole fucking thing up with oil. Then the light goes on. Then the light turns on once he filled it up with oil. He fills the whole fucking thing up with oil. Then the light goes on. Then the light turns on once he filled it up with the oil. And he's like, yeah, well, you know, you've been driving around with low oil.

So, like, you probably got a rod that's fucking clanking around in there. He's like, your engine's probably shot. Like, he's like, this is going to be a big problem. And I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Now, like I said, it's a 2019. I think I got it in 18. That's like a 2019 model, like at the very end of the year, whatever. So, like, I have to be under warranty, but I am going to guarantee you I am not under warranty.

I am going to delete all this because I think that would probably void the warranty. Just like, yeah, you didn't change the oil. How am I supposed to change it? You're right, but I feel like they'll find a way to fuck you. Actually though, I have fucking video from this morning where I was videoing it and you're going to see there was no check oil light on.

Show that to the dealership in the court of law. They're going to side with you then. I'm like I'm thinking to myself, if there was a moment, especially when I got that car, when I was broke, broke, and I'm almost back there, by the way, I'm guaranteeing if there was some sort of like, do you want this warranty for like an extra whatever a month? And I was like, nope, can't afford it right now. So I know that i'm not gonna have coverage for this it's gonna have to be like i'm gonna have to like buy a new hyundai engine just get a new hyundai yeah right right right let's look at all the bells and whistles that

come with the 2020 so and then and then because of just like the job that we do and i i'm gonna complain about this while fully understanding like it's my fault and i walked into it but when these things happen i'm like all right well let's at least make some content out of it so i put it i put like the video out of it making noise half jokingly half being like i don't know maybe there's a stoolie mechanic i was like car guys let me know what's wrong yeah fully expecting every dickhead in the world to be in my mentions. But maybe like one dude being like, I know exactly what that is. Or like, hey, I own a shop.

Bring it by. No, none of that. None of that. Just nothing but fucking assholes being like, did you put it in rice? Did you try turning it off and turning it on? What's even worse than that, I don't give a shit about the people who are just being assholes or just trying to be funny. Fine, whatever. That's what we do here.

Like I said, making content. The people who are like, ah, bro, just happened to be funny fine whatever that's how that's what we do here like i said making content the people who are like ah bro just happened to me last week it's the converter band like from my fucking 10 second video you're gonna tell me what actually is wrong because you had so everyone everyone with their predictions like oh it was the the heat fan it was the this band it was the catalytic no you're all fucking wrong there was no oil in it fuck you guys see so now i've opened myself up and then so then then like so then my car dies like i i was getting i'm i'm a hundred yards from my house and it just like turns off now i'm in the middle of the road and then so that's when i started filming and started pushing and then uh there was like a three four garbage guys, and they see me pushing it, and I needed to turn and get it into a parking spot.

So the one guy jumps behind, and he's like, get in and start pushing. And then I got half the internet being like, you stop pushing? This guy's going to do all the work while you don't fucking push the car? It's like there was three fucking garbage men pushing who said, get in and steer so we can park this thing. And now I'm getting car push shamed by the internet too. Fuck you guys. I give every goddamn inch of my life to fucking content. And you're still all assholes to me at all times.

Fuck you guys. I think that our problem, because I don't have a car anymore, but it was a problem that I dealt with regularly when i had a car is that we're not not car guys we're anti-car guys so anti my car is lucky to have me and it should fix itself at all times and any problem it has it should take care of definitely like i i give you the pleasure of me driving you i have no responsibility in taking care of you none i don't even consider like upkeep no you know like flat tires oil changes engine i i drove a motherfucker first of all the other thing was uh i had like a eighth of a tank left or whatever i get fucking lunatic kirk minahan telling me it's crazy that my car is on empty, that I ever let it go below half a tank. I would regularly need to.

I kept a gas tank in my car because I would regularly have to go walk to a gas station and dump it into the car. I just kept a tank of gas in the back of the car, which is also wildly dangerous in and of itself. Gasoline. Yeah, just drove also wildly dangerous in and of itself. Gasoline! Yeah, just drove around with gasoline. Fucking Zuland. But I was lucky because my car was such a mess, I could just wedge it between things and it wouldn't spill all over the back. That's the other thing.

People are looking at the video like, well, it's because there's fucking garbage in your car. Fuck you guys! They're telling me that it's because I don't put supreme gas in my car. Yeah. If you think I'm going to do anything other than regular ass 89 octane, whatever the fuck, you're crazy. That car needs to just work. I'm doing the driving.

You're doing the fucking working. Just work. I'll steer. You work. That's it. That's what the car is. That's the agreement we have. That's what the lease is.

You just have to fucking work. For four years or 100, thousand miles you drive dude i would there were times when i had a car where i lost i would lose the keys and i would just fucking like leave it unlocked and then and then like i would just let someone like if they wanted to take it just make sure you bring it back like i had no respect for my car but there was one time when it snowed. It was probably 2015. I forget exactly what year it was. It was a crazy February in Boston. We didn't go to work for the month of February.

And there was one time where I just hadn't shoveled my car out one single time in that month. So I had to climb a mountain to get to the top of my car to start shoveling it out. And things finally stopped. And then you're surprised if your car doesn't run perfectly after it was encased in an igloo for 48 hours i had to chip off because as i was trying to scoop the snow off i ended up shoveling off both the car both the fucking uh windshield light with things that so like the little things that actually shoot the fluid so it would just like come out like it was spitting at me and i was like yeah i treat you like a piece of shit but i'll be honest like it never really stopped works after the time it would run on gasoline like

it just worked it was honestly i think you had to get a jeep i well that is the thing i have a piece of shit i because my that jeep i mean i drew that thing it looked like fucking like uh like rockefeller christmas tree. It was just lit up everywhere. The whole front. The only reason my tire pressure thing light did go on, the only reason I actually checked that was because the engine was making noise.

Otherwise, I was fully prepared to just completely ignore that. Yeah, I treat it like a whiny son. You just shut the fuck up and go do your school work. It's almost like when you say you're in a fight with your girlfriend or your wife are we going to break up or get divorced over this? Then if not, then shut the fuck up. Go do your schoolwork. It's almost like when you say you're in a fight with your girlfriend or your wife. Are we going to break up or get divorced over this? Then if not, then shut the fuck up.

Are you going to stop working? Then I don't care. Well, in this case, it stopped working. It stopped working. I think it's a Jeep because I had that one, which I drove for I don't know how many years. And I don't think I ever changed the oil once. Right. And then I had a buddy in college who had famous like still going he took pride in like i've never changed the oil in this car and it was and this was like 2008 like this is 2019 that i granted i

have been driving it more now but like other than that i've been driving it like to the one town over to pick up my kids and back it's not like i'm putting miles cross country on this thing i probably shouldn't even had to have changed the oil. And then, and then I get the fucking, the, the, the, you're a millionaire crowd coming out. I don't have any money. I have none. Everybody listening probably has more money than me. I give all of it to the kids. I have no money. I am so fucking broke. Do you think I would drive a Hyundai if I was a millionaire? I am poor. I don't know how else to say it.

I have like $18,000 left. I have no money. That's it. We really got to win this Jenga match today and get you a new car. I need the $10,000. Dave's buying Armani suits and flying private. I got a Hyundai that doesn't even work. I don't need to be doing private jets.

I just need a Hyundai that works. I can't be the broken Hyundai guy. The bar is very low. So low! You're being reasonable. I just need a Hyundai that works. I just need a fairly functioning Elantra. That's it.

I had motherfuckers in my mentions going, you should have got the Santa Fe instead of the Tucson. I'm being patient. I'm being... I'm just going, you should have got the Santa Fe instead of the Tucson. I'm being patient. I'm being, I'm just like, I just have to wait several more years. But guess what? At this rate, we're not going to mention it. That's what I'm functioning on day. This is, I don't want to put this energy into the world,

but I'm going to do it. Like, like a day before you're going to have a heart attack. Kirk said that right away at the Super Bowl. He's like, I don't think you're ever going to get that money. And I was like, that's a pretty fucked up thing to say. And now every day that goes by, I'm like, I think you're right. I think you're absolutely goddamn right. There's no chance I ever see that money.

I just want a functioning Hyundai. I mean, there's no chance we win Jenga today. There's a chance I might knock it over on the first pull. Like, that's just the day that I'm having. No, just like, you know. It comes in threes, or when it rains, it pours, or whatever fucking adage you want to give. It's going to be a catastrophe today.

So how, did you just rent it, or did you take an Uber? I hopped an Uber. So, and now of all days, it happens on, like, a night that I have my kids, so now I don't have my car seats, I don't have the, I don't even know, like, I don't even know how I'm going to drive them around or do the shit I'm supposed to do with them. We have a couple interviews in Jenga, so ordinarily I would have been like, I'm blowing everything off. I'm just going to get wasted right now. But today's the one day I can't do it.

It's just... Well, I had a tough morning, too. I got a little car sick in an uber it's like it's like hey we put the window down i'm a little sweaty i got a tummy tell me i actually was thinking that i was like because i walked to work so much that like i've started i took i took a cab home last night I took a cab to work this morning. I got so sick in those 14 blocks both times. It's like a straight shot, too. It's just like, boom.

No turns. You go from here to there. You got to go one avenue. It's not like we're zipping through Manhattan. It's like from here to here, and that's it. On the one home last night, I literally just got off at the corner because I was too sick. I was like, you can't take a turn here, bro. I'm going to throw up.

God. God. I just... It's just... I think... I really think... I mean, the Truman Show or the Deal with the Devil, something's got to be going on

where I just think that the universe, it just has to even out. I think I'm just the yin to Dave's yang where it just has to be this way like like like like so we'll lose in stool streams today and i bet dave makes like seven hundred thousand dollars on day training today i just that's just when one goes down the's gonna fucking go god it just i i it is a really bleak moment in your life when you set the bar at just want a functioning hyundai it's like you can't achieve that bro for the for all that we've achieved here when you can't achieve functioning hyundai status i mean there are people there are people with on welfare like no credit bad credit For all that we've achieved here, when you can't achieve functioning Hyundai status, that's bleak. There are people on welfare who are like, no credit, bad credit, doesn't matter, we'll give you a Hyundai.

All of those commercials are specifically talking about Hyundais. And here you are, a rather famous celebrity with a great job. Bro, I'm on pace to do a billion views on Instagram this year. Our podcast is regularly the top 50 in the world. I was a founding member of a company worth a half a billion dollars and I can't drive a Hyundai. It's insane. It's insane.

It all started with like, I give so much of my life to content. I'm watching you have a pencil breakdown right now. And I'm laughing. And everyone else is laughing. Oh, the saddest clown in all the land. I'm the literal

Joker meme, man. I'm the fucking Joker meme. Every morning I wake up, I put my makeup on, and I just dance. I'm the dancing monkey for the fucking public for nothing. God damn it. Alright, so yeah,

that was the, I feel like, it was funny, the reason I had a breakdown, I was talking to my therapist and i told him i knew what was gonna happen and i was like these things are my trigger like i am a i am like a balancing act i have like a million things on this side of the little the bar that you hold and a million things on that side but it's balanced so i got like crazy divorce shit crazy kids crazy you just got another word for like dumbbell what like like a barbell like you like the bar that like no when you still remove from exercise no it's not a barbell it's like a when you when you walk a tightrope and you have

the huge bar it works for a bar okay Okay, I see what you're saying. Yeah. Okay. I was thinking it. Oh, just like a weight. I was envisioning it as weights. No, no, no. But I probably wouldn't know that either.

So it's a ton of shit that I carry, but it's all in balance. I can do it. It's like a house of cards. It's there. But then you put one card in. You put one more thing on the side, like my fucking car breaking down. And so I was talking to him, and I was like, I know what I do. I bottle my shit up for

months and then one thing out of the ordinary that i'm not used to just sets it off and i was like so in like a couple hours i'm gonna go home and it's gonna happen i was like or it's happening right now i literally said or it's gonna happen right now it was like i was turning into the incredible hulk i was like nope we're doing it john let's go and he was like, nope, we're doing it, John. Let's go. And he was like, let it out. Let it out. So the car fucked me. You want to know my most recent odd breakdown? It wasn't a breakdown.

I just cried. It wasn't like a breakdown breakdown. I just cried. I was reading a GQ article on George Clooney. Like you, the number one feminine podcast in America. We cry reading George Clooney articles. It takes you like your car break down. It takes me George saying a nice thing.

What did he say? It wasn't even a nice thing. It was just like it was a very interesting thing. So one of the questions is like, you know, George doesn't really act much anymore. Right. And he basically only acts in movies that he's directing because – The bag. He gets money.

The only way those movies get funding is they're like, well – Starring George Clooney. George Clooney's got to be in it. He's like, all right, fine, I'll do it. Yeah. And I forget exactly how many movies he's done, but I think it was over the last 14 years or so he said he's very much – Only a handful, yeah.

Right. Removed himself from the front of the camera. Yeah. And he was asked why. And he had a lot of good answers for it. He was just like, one, I enjoy the directing, blah front of the camera. Yeah. And he was asked why. And he had a lot of good answers for it. You know, he was just like, one, I enjoy the directing, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. He said, two, that he said, I did 11 seasons of ER or whatever the number was.

And he said that, he's like, that's 22 episodes a season. He said, I'm filming 11 movies per year doing that. Right. And I'm just like, well, how much more do I have now? I'm just kind of burnt out on it, so to speak. And then the third one was he sat down and thought about his life. And he realized he had 25 summers left. Wow.

And I thought that was such a cool way to say it. 25 summers. I got 25 summers left. Yeah. Like, if I do two or three movies, I'm down to 22 summers. Yeah. And I was like, that's a really great way to look at it. 25 summers left. Yeah. Like, if I do two or three movies, I'm down to 22 summers. Yeah. And I was like, it's a really great way to look at it. 25 summers.

That's 25 summers. It's a 25-year sprint to the finish line now. And I just started thinking about it. I was like, that's what my parents probably have. Yeah. And then I started thinking about that. And I did a fake one because I was actually doing it. I cried during the goddamn jets i i uh this this week's episode it was the

anniversary of the butt fumble so nick played the therapist and i was talking and i wasn't crying about the jets but it was scary how not deep beneath the surface i needed to go to get to tears like i wasn't even thinking like, you know, I, I feel like when actors cry, it's more like biological. They can just like,

I don't know, plug into their tear ducts and make it happen. But I feel like for me, like if I were to try to cry on camera, like I was like for, if I was an actor, I would probably sit there and think about like the, the things that make me the most sad.

I'm like, I didn't even need to specify. I just, I just stopped stopping myself from crying. That's all I needed to do. It's almost like I'm constantly just flexing. And for one second, I just stop flexing. And the tears would come out.

I'm just always stopping myself from crying. I just let them flow. My tear ducts were like, we've been waiting for this for months. Let's go. Now's our opportunity. Let his guard down. And I just squeaked out a couple real. We finished up.

And actually, we should put that out as, like, a blooper. Or is it in the video at the end? I don't know. At the end, Nick was like, there was real tears there, I think. I think I have footage of it. I know I stopped rolling on my phone. I think I have. There was a second camera set up. Get me that if you've got it. I think I have. Yeah it. I know I stopped rolling on my phone. I think I have. There was a second camera set up. Get me that if you've got it.

I think I have. Yeah, it was. Yeah, so an emotional weekend. This weekend I got a random tweet about one of my old headlines. And you know what? I'm going to find that headline real quick. It's always a dangerous game, by the way. Always a dangerous game.

Especially right now. But sometimes when it fucking works out the way it did, it's so goddamn fucking funny. Sometimes I read old blogs and I get to laugh at them as if someone else wrote them because I don't remember writing it. You know what I mean? Right. I was like, damn, this is funny. I was writing. I was funny back then, man.

I was spitting fire. Wait, where is this thing? This one was particularly, I mean, anything Chris Berman back in the day is going to put asses in the seats. But this was even – this was bizarre, right? This was – if you've ever wanted to mutually masturbate with Chris Berman. I mean what? This is one of those automated tweets from – this is from what? August 2013. is one of those automated tweets from this is from what uh august 2013 that's back when we used

to have just like our our tweets just like uh the titles of the blog with a link right just yeah we just tweeted itself ever want to master mutually masturbate with a chris berman lookalike boy are you in for a treat and one retweet six likes popping popping the and so like i i was like i want to read this blog so fucking bad and it's just it's an old blog that you know the whole thing got wiped out the dev nest and um how did nick dig this up i don't know nick don't nick don't tell anyone yeah you're right you're right honestly one of the greatest things that ever happened to us the reason why we are able to be on the level we're on today is the dev nest yeah we would all be canceled by now i know i would 100 that was like my prime i mean i i never like no i i don't i never said the n word or anything like that but

like i definitely said everything but that yeah the uh okay but here's the actual blog. It's so goddamn, like, it's just fucking funny, man. It's Craigslist ad of the day. If you ever wanted to get in on some cock play with a Chris Berman lookalike, you're in for a treat. The Craigslist ad is, safe, very discreet, married, nice-looking white road warrior from out of town looking for a safe, well-hung fellow married executive type for mutual jerking off and oral play. I was like, what does 53 mean? It's his fucking age, you idiot. 53. With a thick six and a half and big balls.

Some say I look a bit like Chris Berman of ESPN. Again, looking for a fellow married. Sometimes I like a little chat and share pics about our wives, but not necessary if not into that. I can play tonight after 10 p.m., but prefer Thursday from 6 a. play tonight after 10 p.m but prefer thursday from 6 a.m to 1 p.m 6 a.m to 1 p.m is my jerk off time wow appreciate a self pics with response i will check for mail off and on i will check for his email i will check for mail off and on but won't be able to spend much time responding so i get to a hotel around 10 p.m. Hosting at my hotel room, MSP Airport Marriott near Ikea.

That's it. And then the blog is just... Is it possible to get too many replies from Craigslist ads? Can your inbox just break? Is that a thing? Because this guy has a definition of the goods. Top to bottom, flawless sale. Quote, who wants to come jerk off while staring at Chris Berman?

That might be the most misguided. Who wants to come jerk off while staring at Chris Berman while he jerks off staring at you. I'm fucking sold. Only thing I'm leery about is the pillow talk chat and sharing pictures of our wives. I mean, don't make this gay, bro. Let's just do a little mutual masturbation

amongst some sweaty Bears Don't bring feelings into it And then I have P.S. Prefer to play Thursday From 6am to 1pm I mean if you're setting your

Lockbox to go jerk off with Chris Berman it's time for a look in the Mirror I mean that's a funny You're setting your alarm clock to go jerk off with Chris Berman. It's time for a look in the mirror. I mean, that's a funny-ass blog, man. Don't make this gay, bro. It's hilarious. God. That right there is the perfect blog.

That's what it used to be all day long. Ten of those for each of us every day finding funny, weird shit like that of a thick six and a half with big balls. Who in their right mind could ever think that looking like Chris Berman is a selling point for mutual masturbation? How could that be? Between heterosexual men.

With wives. With wives. With wives. I mean, that is. If you're trying to accomplish that goal, telling people you look like Chris Berman is literally the last thing you can do. I don't know, man. I'd jerk off with Chris Berman. Have you noticed, by the way, into mutual masturbation and a little bit of oral play, that's a pretty big leap. Like, I'll jerk off in a room next to you.

Ensure you can suck my dick. Right. Like, I'll jerk off on the twin bed next to you, but I'm not going to suck your dick, Chris Berman. I'm a lady, all right? I have standards. We'll come at the same time, but I am not sucking your dick. Christ almighty.

Oh, God. time but i am not sucking your dick christ almighty oh god and i like back in the day we used to be like like there were so many times we're just like the ps is the point of the blog yeah i just gotta write a couple paragraphs first and then slide the ps in the ps i gotta i do have to give it to credit i do have to give it uh to Portnoy on that one because he was like the king of the PS. And the PS was the most useful tool. Oh, my God. And then you do like a PPS and a PS. Double PS, the rarely seen triple PS.

The triple PS. That used to get me going. I used to always say, the rarely seen triple PS. That was like when I have a blog and I basically have four takes. Here's my first one. And then I got three other ones that are also pretty good but don't really make sense with the other ones so i'll just pspps and ppps tiktok so your what is your connection with tiktok i made one video and then that's and then that now i've got then they posted this video with dave's podcast and i'm getting roped in people thinking that I'm Dave. So all the comments on Instagram are at me,

thinking that I was the one who did it. Are you getting tagged, please? No, but, like, it's, I saw, like. I tagged you. Yeah, like, I'm getting tagged by people who know, but, like, the mean kids are not, they don't directly know me, and I hope they don't find out. So what are you doing diving into the comments, then?

They're just sending them to me. I mean, I dove into the comments because I think it's funny. Okay. As long as you think it's funny. I don't like people diving into the comments when they're going to get their feelings hurt. I guess it is funny. Don't get me wrong. It hurts my feelings.

But it's a 15-year-old telling me to worry about my mortgage. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. You're right. Yeah. I don't think a 15-year-old could actually hurt me. We say that. Because they are intimidating and they probably are thinking some stupid joke that i could fucking just really eviscerate if they said it out loud yeah but but like i think like an 11 year old

could hurt me and then like a 25 year old could hurt me i think i think you start at so it's like an ati question like what's the youngest um what's the youngest kid who could beat you up? Yeah. Youngest person who could emotionally destroy you. I mean, she didn't emotionally destroy me, but Shay, like, when they're so young. Well, a child is different. That's what I mean. Like, it's almost like that middle, like, 15 is probably where you can't hurt me because I'd be like, you're a fucking little shit.

Like, you don't know anything. But like a four-year-old, Shay was like, Daddy, you have a fat belly. I was like, fuck. Because I know that was just pure honesty. But that's also just funny. Yeah. I think you've got to be like 25 or 40. Even like a four-year-old, you don't know what a fat belly looks like.

You're a fucking stupid shit. You haven't even seen fat. You don't even know fat people. You're not around fat people. I'll bring you to the fucking office. I'll show you some fat people. Yeah, exactly. Then you'll know dad's fucking

shredding compared to some of these fucking kids uh but i i read those comments for like hoping to be you know hoping for them to be mean because it's funnier that way yeah it's when it's when they're uh when they know you like they don't yeah i guess it's that they're so young that it's ridiculous that i can i can laugh at it's that they're so young that it's ridiculous that I can laugh at myself. When they're old enough that it's like you are just, like, critiquing me and, like, what I do and who I am and it's not nice. I actually feel like you have to be my age. I think you got to be 32. 32 to what is it?

To, like, hurt me with words. Well, you know, we should all hope that it's, like, no age, really. Yeah, but that's an unlikely case. I just think I'd always be a lot harp on like. As long as you're younger than me. Yeah. You don't even know what life is, kid. You were born in what, 1989?

Yeah. Like you've seen half the shit I've seen. I don't even know if it's an age thing. Maybe it's what if it's like a success thing? No, I don't think it'd it's an age thing What if it's like a success thing No because you don't I don't think it's successful to hurt my feelings Eh but I guess I'd still just be like Like I think some of these TikTok kids

If the actual TikTokers Were to be like Like You've been doing this podcast for like 10 years And you still like have a walk up apartment I'm like I've been doing this for a year, and I drive a $400,000 car. And I'd be like, oh, fuck.

No longevity in it. Yeah, and you're going to die of a fucking heroin overdose, so suck my dick. It's not that I couldn't come back from it. Yeah, there's definitely an angle to be played there. So yeah, well, you're estranged from your parents, and you're going to die in a gutter soon. I assure you, you will wrap that car around a tree

before you turn 27. Exactly. I promise you. You will commit suicide. You are for sure in the suicide demographic. So there's a way to battle back from it, but I definitely think those kids, if you have more money, if you work, if you do the same thing as me,

it's almost the younger you get, the more hurtful you can be. Because it's like, oh, my God, you did this like instantly. You know what I mean? You had way more success way faster than me. But also, I mean, this aren't the same either. Well, you know, generally, you know, more entertainment, a lawyer. Like if Jacob Tremblay comes on and he's like, you guys still fucking do a podcast like Jacob Tremblay. But I'll fucking punt you through the door.

But it's like, I'm really going to hurt my feelings. We're talking about different mediums here. But we're all kind of in the same mediums. Like, it's all social media and stuff like that. Yeah. You're not on the big screen. We're both. We're all using our phones, and they're making millions doing it.

Whatever, dude. They could crush me. Yeah. When Lil Huddy fucking gets his girlfriend her third abortion, she kills herself over it. And now, see. So now you see what I mean? This goes back to what I said. It's a lose-lose because either Lil Huddy makes fun of you or you are now coming up with a hypothetical situation where a 15-year-old girl has had three abortions and dies. They're not 15, are they?

Yes! In my defense, I don't know any of their ages. I think he's an older one. They range from like 16 to 20. So either way... Wait, oh, I didn't know like his girlfriend's an actual person too. Yeah. All right, see, I'm pleading ignorance on all this.

I thought he was just picking up some trailer trash. Listen, if it's... Where he fucking no doubt grew up. Talking about a hometown chick I'm not talking about some other famous chick I'm talking about a fucking lot lizard off the PCH do you see how this trend

keeps happening by the way do you see it it's like one hour into the show something happens and you see it it's like one hour into the show something happens and you know what it is and i love to see it you are podcasting for yourself you are here to make yourself laugh you make you love it some lot lizard and you're laughing at yourself like yeah that's fucking funny man man. It's fucking funny. I love it.

Am I the asshole? All these fucking kids are the assholes. You know what the answer is? Yes, you. You are the asshole. We are old, though. We are olds, and so we suffer from stress and anxiety and exhaustion. That's the worst part about those little fucking kids.

They're just like, yeah, my body doesn't hurt. Yeah, I love how this went for me making fun of fucking teenagers into being like, anyway, in order to sleep, I need a handful of fucking, I need a cocktail of medications. 10,000 milligrams of this and that. So I'm not pulling my hair out from stress constantly. I need drugs.

You know what Trump got for coronavirus? I need that for a fucking nap, bro. Regeneron or whatever, right up my fucking ass. It's so true, man. It's so true. Like, I would love to sit down with those TikTok kids and be like, just wait until your body starts to betray you. Until that happens.

Do a fucking prank. Be like, welcome to the fucking coast of Christmas future, bitch. I show my high school picture. Like, I used to look like you, too. Here you go, kids. Welcome to fucking the future. I have tears streaming down his nose. I can see it. Oh, man.

Like, yeah, man, it can be you. There was a time when that little fucking prick thought he was invincible, too. Really? He had shorts. He had madras shorts and a fucking choker necklace. Yeah, I was a piece of shit one time in my life. And it don't change. You just put on weight and it hurts to sleep.

I've got some issues that nobody can see. And all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the life in you. It's only right. This is the soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life Okay.