KFC Radio - Best of 2021...So Far

Episode Date: July 6, 2021

It's vacation week at Barstool Sports so there is no new episode today but there is a new episode of Answer the Internet! After almost a year hiatus, ATI is back and better than ever featuring Dan Soder and Shane Gillis. Download the app and subscribe to the youtube to catch the latest videos. barstool.link/ATI In the meantime, catch up on some of our favorite segments from the past six months, and let us know your favorites by tweeting at us. @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @nickhammy5 @JNics415You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's your boy KFC and Feidelberg. We are on our annual summer break. We got this one week off. So right now, you get a best of this week. So enjoy it and go check out the new season of Answer the Internet. Out now, Dan Soder, Shane Gillis kicking off season four of ATI. So enjoy it and go check out the new season of Answer the Internet out now.

Dan Soder, Shane Gillis kicking off season four of ATI. We are back finally after COVID with all new in-person guests answering all of the most fucked up hypotheticals on the Internet. So go check it out. Enjoy the best of them. We'll see you guys next week. Am I the asshole if I tell my wife I don't want to have kids with her because I don't think she will care for them well? I mean, you just got to choose a better wife. That's on you, man. You've obviously had the kid talk. And you've agreed.

I mean, if there's any mitigating details here, I'd be stunned. I, a 32-year-old male, have been married to my wife, 29-year-old female, for seven years. We've discussed having kids, but we, see, like'd be stunned. I, a 32-year-old male, have been married to my wife, 29-year-old female, for seven years. We've discussed having kids, but we... See, right there. You can't be 32 years old and married for seven years. You got married too young.

We have discussed having kids before, but we always said we'll wait a couple years until our careers are more stable. We've been enjoying our child-free lives, but about a year back, we decided things were going pretty well for us and thought it was about time we had our baby. Working from home also frees up a lot of time for extracurricular activities. Oh, you mean fucking.

We haven't had any luck so far, but we're mentally having the when it happens, it happens mentality. It's very frustrating reading Reddit writers because they're not very good at it. Idiots. Yeah. So we're not rushing anything. Sometime around October last year, wife suggested that we get a puppy. We're both animal lovers and we thought it was a great time

since both of us would be at home and we could watch over it and house train it. We got the puppy and we both love him dearly. But ever since we got him, I've had to bathe, feed, and clean up after him. Don't get me wrong, she helps out as well, but I would say it's a 90-10% ratio. It gets extremely tiring after a while, and sometimes I want to kick my feet up,

have a beer, and watch TV without being interrupted with Hey, the puppy just peed. Can you come clean it up? That's an insane question to ask. It carried on for a couple of nights ago. A couple of nights ago, after a long Zoom session for work, I exploded and told her that she needs to do her share of looking around

after the puppy, and I'm tired of being the one who does all the work. She told me I was being calculative and trying to undermine her. I told her... Where did we go here? I told her... I exploded and told her... She just sucks at taking care of dogs. Yeah, I told her that it's clear that I've been doing all the work,

and all that she wants to do is play with the puppy. This is where I might have gone too far. I told her I can't trust her to look after our puppy. How can I trust her looking after a baby? We had a baby. I won't be able to clean up after him all the time. And she had to do her share as well. She screamed at me, burst into tears, and left the house.

She's been saying it to her parents for a few days now. But things don't really seem to be improving. Her parents are telling me it's a horrible thing to say as looking after the puppy is not the same as a baby. Whatever. You know why she's crying so much she knows he's right but like i will say i do get very annoyed when people talk about uh uh having a dog being the same as a baby because it's wildly not but in this case it's like

if you can't do one you probably can't do the other but also at the same time i don't know there's no genetic connection to it that's what i'm saying yeah like i've had iguanas and i was like i don't care if you die or not you had an iguana you said you pluralized that like cigars no i think it was only one it was godzilla but like that's a good iguana name solid i was like yeah you know i would have named my iguana king k. Just to fuck. That's why you're fucking twisted, little bro. He would get out and I wouldn't even tell my parents.

Wherever he is. I had a lizard once and I let it go. So it was a chameleon. So I used to put cool shit in the tank to colorful. You know what I mean? And then one time it got spots all over it. And I was looking at the cage and I was like, there's nothing in there that's spotted i think you just had like some weird disease and i just let him go in the backyard i was like i don't know yeah so probably somewhere in like the woods of pennsylvania there's like a freak fucking

giant lizard running around um uh anyway i do think when chicks have uh babies they you know something kicks in they become different if she's a Annoying! And they really want to take care of the kids. If you really think she'll be bad, have the kid. This is your thing. And then hit her with the biggest told you so. Right as soon as that little tiny casket is going into the ground.

Won't it be sweet? Won't it be sweet when you look at her? Your mouth in it to her? Whispering it to her in the service. Yeah. I fucking told you this was going to happen. You only need one pallbearer.

He's holding it like a pizza. Honestly, it's crazy But like That would be the biggest Like the best feeling Of I'm right Ever You only need one year On that tombstone

You save money This is the most Defensive segment In this podcast I need you to We gotta get We gotta play tape I truly

gasped when he said, casket. I was like... That's got to be the best feeling of vindication. If there's anything to brighten up the day your kid dies, it's that you called it.

High-fiving your buds like, fucking... I saw it coming from a mile away. that you called me. High-fiving your buds. You showed her. I saw it coming from a mile away. And you didn't stop it? Sometimes you gotta prove a point, Rick. You know how they usually lower them into the... Yeah. Drop it.

It doesn't make a noise. And you do the Jordan drug. Look, Rick, if I didn't let her kill this kid, she was just going to keep asking me. How else was she going to learn? And then you know what? Everyone wins. You don't have kids anymore. She shuts the fuck up.

And you have a dog. And then in this world of crypto coins and then BitClout coming out. BitClout is... It's gotta be the biggest scam of all time i don't know what it is i see people talking about it i do not yeah are they investing in you yeah so it's like think of it as you know and this idea makes sense and bit clouds the first one on the scene at least to burst through like pop culture not the first the athletes did that one for a while that's what i mean like it's not the first but you know it's it's it's getting it's going to the most

company now defunct i'm sure it is i would guess so as well yeah but but but that now this idea has come they were almost you know you can be too early with your idea sometimes where it's like the world's not ready for it but now people are talking about investing in nfts and crypto and things that are much like less tangible where it's like you might not know finance and the business world and stock companies, and maybe you don't know anything because you don't take any interest in anybody. But like if – yeah, you're right. You're right.

But think about Barstow. So think about Dave with Caller Daddy. He wanted to bring Caller Daddy in. I remember thinking, I was like, I don't know. I don't think this is a good idea. I don't know. And like if he could have invested in Alex Cooper then, if you could have bought Alex Cooper coins

and then she gets the Barstool gig and explodes, it's just like buying a stock when it's at the bottom. That's what BitCloud is. It gives you like a – it looks like Twitter kind of and you can invest in people. And then – so like I signed up. I actually claimed my – they already make, like you already have one made. They make them for Elon Musk.

They make them for everybody. And then you can claim it if you have the Twitter account. So they're trying to like lure everybody in. So right now my coin, my coin is worth $980. Is that what that says? Yeah, so it's like $1,000 to buy a KFC coin right now. $474 for me. Get it on the ground floor.

Yeah. So if you were to claim that, so then if we were to grow, we could then. Nick Hammy's not there. But that dude, Chamath, see he has that blue check? He's on it. $31,000. Yeah. And Elon's the top dog with his coins are worth $66,000.

But he hasn't claimed it yet. But I think Chamath did. Logan Paul did. So did you get money for this? Well, so I signed up. I claimed it. Basically what happens is right now nobody can get any money. And I think it's like you can invest in people.

And so I'm assuming you're paying this company money, right? Yeah. And I think they're either going to steal all the money or it's going to be legit. I think it's going to be legit or one extreme or the other. It's going to be something or it's going to crash and burn. And it's going to be like everyone who gave money to BitClout is the biggest idiot in the world. So I wanted to get in with – I wanted to get Chamath. I had to pay $32,000 and obviously you buy percentages correct but like

let's say i wanted to buy a chamath coin or whatever these are yep i give 32 grand and then then you want a coin of chamath then say he becomes mayor of los angeles like you want it to be uh his i would assume his just clout his value would go up i think what they do right now it's based on social media like because you see that's like your that's your twitter bio and everything yeah so i think they scrub like your instagram your twitter your tiktok blah and they i'm sure have some sort of algorithm or some sort of plan or whatever that assigns value to it and then as you do better your coins go up but it's like so like making that up who decides if you go up or down and how much so like all that shit it's like what the fuck you know so like if you have a bit cloud you've claimed yours correct so do you have to put down any money no

that's what you never put down a dollar right do you get money it right now you can't take any money out they're in there like the early phase so like right now they're but let's say you reach 30 000 but you never invested in yourself do you you get any money? If they eventually let you take money out, yeah. How would you get money if you never invested in it? It's just me. I think I just claimed it. It's my account. It's my company. People just invest in me. Whether or not

I put money in, you put money into me. You invested in me. So if I put in money into you... Actually, that's a good question. Do you need to buy your own BitClout too? It's like... I would think you do yeah because like you buy stock i paid money for that now i have that stock now when it goes up i can sell it and i get that profit but i paid for it okay but if i'm the company that you're investing in maybe it's like you're paying like dividends to yourself i don't know it's a good question i have not i did not do any research

on this i just claimed it i was like i'm definitely afraid of like missing the boat so i was like you're either completely stealing my identity there was like a terms of service that said like you are waiving your right to suing us there's no class action lawsuit available there's no like i saw that and i was like this seems shady except so they're either like stealing all my money and all my identity or and then i saw something there's something called a key product key see that little key logo right there with all those letters next to it yes um a lot of people are like cutting and pasting that somewhere because that's like your login key if you will and I saw someone that said like anywhere that you have pasted this key is completely compromised and they can now access and I was like fuck I

definitely did that like if you emailed it to yourself if you saved it on your phone you are now compromised and I'm sure if like you like fucking Snowden wants to hack you or something. I don't know if like regular jamokes can. But like if the people at BitCloud are like nefarious like that, we could be totally fucked. Yeah, I could be. Or maybe I'm going to get rich for nothing. Well, now here is I think the all-important question. Let's say, like I said, you actually do have to put in money in order to profit.

How much do I invest in myself? How much do you invest in yourself, babe? How much does KFC believe in KFC? Not much. Not much. I think it is crazy that I have a career at all. I think it's all absolutely insane. I mean –

Okay. Would you put $10,000 into yourself? I don't have that – no. I believe in myself $10,000 enough. I just got too many bills right now. If I had $10,000 to burn, I would burn it on myself. Yeah? Well, no.

Wait a minute. I've put $10,000 into stupider things. Yeah, definitely. Didn't you buy like a timeshare in Atlanta or something like that recently? Yeah. John bought an apartment in Atlanta. More than $10,000. John came in one day and was like, yeah, I think I got the scam of the century run on me.

And then like two days later, he was like, turns out it's legit. And I was like, and we never talked about it, but you like bought apartment condos in Atlanta. I bought an apartment complex, yeah. John Feidelberg owns an apartment complex. I invested in an apartment complex. I didn't buy one. But he's a part owner of an apartment complex in Atlanta.

What the fuck? Why? Why? Because it's an up and coming town, Nick. It's on the outskirts of the suburbs of Atlanta. It's Newman, actually. Newman County, south of Atlanta. The north of Atlanta is overbuilt.

They're going to be going south soon. Going down, yeah. It's called Urban Sprawl. It's a meter 45 minutes from the airport. Great for blue collar. How much did you invest? Not that much. How much?

If it wasn't 10, was it 20? It was 5 times 10. It was 20? It was 5 times 10. It was 50. It was 5 times 10. So you invested 50 grand in an apartment complex in Atlanta. Have you seen any money out of that yet? Is that because it has failed or because you're just not at that point yet? No, it's been a couple months.

Can I get the book some time? Real estate, it's a long term. It's a long game. Let me tell you, as I understand it, I just basically just stole a bunch of money. Of course. As it was pitched to me by the man asking me for money. Very easy deal. And these guys are running it as if they're like a landlord now, and they get rent, and that's the idea behind it.

I'm going to get monthly checks. But you have not gotten yet. I have not yet. Is there a time that they tell you that will start? Didn't even ask, Kevin. Didn't even ask. Someone you trust, though, right? Literally.

Huh? Someone you trust. Never met him. I have never met this person once in my life. He's a prince from Nigeria. We had a Zoom call one time. But the person who connected you, you trust. Yes, that I do.

Okay, that I do. That you trust or you just know? Like, do you really trust when you think about it? Do you know enough to be like, yeah, this guy knows. Yeah, exactly. Like, if you hooked me up with somebody, I'd be like, I trust John. I mean, I know John. I don't trust him.

He has good business sense. Clearly, I don't. Right. So I feel like you've invested in sillier things. Because you know what's really funny? When the whole world... You ever heard of a rosé company, Kevin? You ever heard of a daily rosé company?

Something that one could drink each and every day of the week? It is funny that when the whole world... I think I just don't like having money. You know, we're not known. The Irish are not known for our financial prowess. How many Irish billionaires are there? We're not known for that. Fourth of July was this past weekend.

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It's CrossNet. Use promo code KFC for $20 off. I think everything in life eventually gets boring pretty quickly. Very quickly. So you can't like, okay, I made it. That's why these people get married when they're like 22. It's like, I found the person I love and we're in our forever home.

You're 20. You're gonna live here for like 80 years and just do the same shit over and over? How about that motherfucker Prince Philip? He's married for 73 years. And we were loyal for 12 of them. Also, 12 is a fucking stretch. It's a real stretch.

My mom was telling me that there was people over in the UK rolling their eyes like, another day of coverage of Prince Philip? Like, we're over it. We get it. It was like day two. And my mom was like, funny of coverage of Prince Philip. Like, we're over it. We get it. It was like day two. And my mom was like, funny coming from her, bitch. She was just like, you know, like, really, like, this guy walked, like, two steps behind his wife for, like, 70 straight years. Like, no one even knew he existed until, like, two years ago.

Maybe you can give him a little bit of a send off for, like, a couple days before you're sick of it. It's kind of like on the Internet where people like like uh i'm usually on this train but there are times where people like gee like are we gonna beat this death this joke to death it's like i've sent like two tweets about it it's been like eight hours like we can still oh the internet moves in in nanoseconds but but sometimes i'm on that train and other times it's like bro you know like like i'll make a one minute man video on something that happened yesterday and and they're like, this is yesterday's news. Like, it's been 12 hours. Give me a fucking break, man. But, yeah, that dude's 73 years.

Like, all I didn't know about him until that picture of him where he looked like the Crypt Keeper. Yeah. If you told me a couple years ago that the queen was married, I'd be like, no, she's not. You told me yesterday. Right. You still didn't know it was him. To who? Yeah.

And he's not the king? You know what's so funny? How the fuck are you married to the queen and you're not the king? The bloodline and still didn't know his name. To who? Yeah. And he's not the king? You know what's so funny? How the fuck are you married to the queen and you're not the king? The bloodline and shit, you know? Bro. The blood. That's why, you know, Harry could never be princess.

I would hit like 60 and be like, all right. I'm out. I'd be like, I'm the king now. Oh, yeah. I would refer to myself as king now. Well, that's what's funny is back in the day, I feel like people did that shit. They were just like, nah, I'm going to take that over.

Like, that's mine now. Like, when you you usurp the throne i would have just been like bitch i'm the king yeah and then just keep saying it until people are like okay i would just kill her yeah like i'm the king now right oh well okay that got a little darker well you said back in the day that's what they did back then they just fucking killed them definitely you especially like don't bring up the past expect me not to bring up murder yeah especially when it's especially when it's a chick. I could kill her so easy. Prince Philip's was... You know what sucks?

Prince Philip was... I don't know. Like, modern, like now, right now? I would kill her tomorrow. You're saying you... You're saying you have the mental fortitude to do so? To kill the queen? No, I'm just saying I have the physical ability. to do so? To kill the queen? No, I'm just saying you have the physical ability.

Oh, I would hope. Yeah, you can kill a 90-year-old woman. Yeah, pretty easy. Why are you questioning yourself? Oh, I'm just questioning whether it's okay to say on a podcast I'm going to murder the queen. Oh, okay, I was going to say. Bro, bro, bro. We're in America.

We're in America. Let's make this very clear. No, I'm gonna. Take out the gonna. Could. Could. But I won't. I just want to this very clear. No, I'm gonna. Take out the gonna. Could. Could. But I won't. I just want to be very clear.

We're on the same podcast where John talks about his ability to kill Vladimir Putin, okay? So he could massacre Queen Elizabeth. You could turn her head into a fucking watermelon smashed on the pavement. To a fucking English breakfast. Yeah, buddy. Nooks and crannies in your face. I want a fucking English breakfast. Yeah, buddy. Nooks and crannies in your face in those English muffins.

I got you. Would you rather fuck Queen Elizabeth or kill her? Fuck her. Really? Yeah. For sure.

Sounds like you just want to fuck her, period. Of course, yeah, definitely. Fuck the Queen? I would fuck the Queen. I bet you the Queen, I bet you she has not. We're in a volatile relationship, QE.

We are going from murder to fucking fast. Every relationship is better. I was going to say. Aren't the best ones just like that, though? I feel like not in many decades, but I bet in her prime, she could throw down. You think so? Because what's old Elizabeth look like? She's,

she, she looks good for her age. Elizabeth of yesteryear. Oh, you mean when, when she was younger? Yeah. I'm not even saying like,

I don't know what she looks like, so I don't know if she's hot or not. He's pulling them up. I just bet that she, because she's such a G, like don't get it twisted. Queen Elizabeth is a fucking OG. And I feel like she knew the power of the pussy

she's fine, you know what I mean though? what you're saying is true, like why isn't there a king, why didn't someone just murder her? you know what she reminds me of? Elena Tyrell oh really? don't you see that? no, I don't see that, why not? because I know nothing about her

and I hold Elena in such high regard I feel like she's a gangster, man. I feel like, first of all, you should love her. She still gets dressed up every goddamn day. And I feel like

she's just been like running the royal family. How many times have you said it before? Said it? Oh my God, millions. Like so many fucking times. With that like,

accent too. Yeah. Oh my God. Shut up, go fetch me a, you know. Like speech bubbles. Like if you could do like from like words you type and things like that. You could do a you know like speech bubbles like if you could do like from like words

you type and things like that you could do a speech bubble for fucking the words Queen Elizabeth said it's basically just a billboard for the well why do you think that she hasn't made

public appearances in like 50 years I feel like she can't I feel like she can't open her mouth it's just like fucking that n word and then it's like

init down here in a small and then fucking t goes in like in the middle of one of the G's it's just a little it's his T

I'm gonna need a visual to understand this oh sure give me a pen I think that I think that the reason the reason why

she doesn't speak and they only talk through like press releases is because I feel like every time the royals open their mouth it's an N word it's just

you know the N word I don't even know what the offensive word for like uh it's there's a lot of um indians in in england right like actual indians not the american ones where we just renamed native americans i think i think there's a good amount of indians in england and uh and i think that i don't i don't even know what the offensive word for an indian person is but that one i'm sure that's a pretty big one you know when they when people like old people retire from public life yeah yeah like because of dementia it's because of racism yeah like we can't let grandma out anymore because she will yell on all the words except the words she said the most in her life yes like because we because like because

one time we went out to dinner and there was a black waitress and it was a problem. So we don't go out in public anymore. We just stay locked in the walls of the castle where she can say it as much as she wants. Just make her cream cheese and toast for every meal. Otherwise she just rants about the etymology of this food. Aside from the rampant racism. What is this fucking spice? We get this from the colonies?

From the triangle trade? Oh, you're making me a tea, huh? Let me tell you about the East India Trading Company. Where's my molasses? Have we been harvesting that anymore? I don't know, man. I don't know what this podcast is.

The only thing Queen Elizabeth sustains life on is she snorts flour. Yo, I for sure think that she's doing some get out shit. If there is any truth to adrenochrome, adrenaline, whatever that's called, it's the royal family doing that. You're mispronouncing adrenaline. No, you know what I'm talking about? I know the idea of what you're talking about. The royals are the ones doing that.

That dude, Prince Philip, was 160 years old. He was just running out of the magical fucking blood they put in him. That poor bastard, his legacy will be that one picture. Remember, they were like, Prince Philip released from the hospital and everyone was like, released from the hospital? He's going out of the hospital looking like that?

Should be going in. You know how fucked up that picture is? I didn't even know Prince Philip was. You could say, you know that picture of that British dude? You know. And people would be like, oh, the one with the eyes? Yeah. Think about Khloe Kardashian trying to get that normal-ass picture of her

scrubbed from the internet. And poor Prince Philip has to have his dead face all over the web. Prince Philip was so gone, he didn't know what you were doing. He didn't know what you were doing. Prince Philip's mind is so gone that he saw that picture and was like, pretty good day. He still, not to this day, but three days ago, he didn't even understand the hullabaloo about it.

How about the fact, first of all, that he's got a full suit on there. That's crazy. He should be wearing those suit suits. It took him from Tuesday to Saturday to tie that on. I think we should officially change the ACI question. Would you rather watch your dad murder someone or fuck an old man? 100-year-old man? It should be officially Prince Philip.

Because you put a face to it now. Would you rather watch Prince Philip blow your dad? That is just tough. That is tough. Would you rather watch Would you rather watch your... Would you rather watch Prince Philip blow your dad or Prince Philip fuck your mom? That is tough.

I think no matter what, his facial expression doesn't change. Show me your old face. That dude. Sounded like a cow in pasture. He's making that sound, but what he's saying is like please take me please death come get me but all that comes out is like at night you hear

like a ghost in the hallways like that's just Prince Philip he wants to die he's just waiting for death no big deal he just can't crawl over the banister to jump we find him here every night He's just waiting for death. No big deal. He just can't crawl over the banister to jump. We find him every night holding on to the railing, just trying. Can someone help me? I got to get you back to bed, Grandpa.

I just throw you. One night they catch him. He's like this. He's like, help. And they pull him down. No. Grandpa, you don't know where you are. You don't know where you are. You don't know where you are.

I know exactly where I am. I'm three inches from salvation. A little push for freedom. Please, Harry. Please. Please. Get that black wife of yours and send her over there. He wrote a letter fucking preventing extradition for Harry

if he promised to just throw him off the roof real quick. I mean, take the fucking private jet. Just throw me off the roof. Take me with you and crash the plane. Throw me out the fucking window. Poor friend. Oh, man. The Royals are the true definition that you live long enough

to become the villain yeah motherfucker you kicked the bucket you kicked the bucket right if you never left the hospital for that picture you went out on top yup

yup for real then Megan had to go on Oprah and now everyone's laughing at your death look at that second one looks like he just has straight up black eyes look at that

he looks so old that someone just punched him in the face. Wait, maybe he does have black eyes. Oh, he does. Okay, yeah. Okay, I thought that was just being so old. It says Duke of Edinburgh sports black eye. Okay. That's the first person above being like 14 years old who had a black eye.

I was like, I just walked into the refrigerator. Yeah, that makes sense. Sorry, I just walked into the doorframe. That's going to happen a lot the rest of your life, I feel like. Wait a minute. Am I wrong? Didn't his black eye jump to the other eye there? Go to the right.

It's on his left eye now. Just a different time. Wait, wait, wait. Look at that. 23. Does that mean 23 royals have suffered black eyes? Is that what that's saying? When royals have suffered injuries from black eyes that what that's saying? When royals have suffered injuries

from black eyes to broken bones is a whole site of just times where royals had black eyes? What? What? It's a Pinterest column. A Pinterest page of just royals with broken black eyes? What is happening? You want to see rich people in pain? This is a rotten.com tab.

I'll tell you what, I would like to slug one of them in the face tab. I'll tell you what. I would like to slug one of them in the face, though. I'm sure you pay for that kind of action. I'm sure they pay to punch people in the face. How many homeless people do you think the Royals have killed? I feel like they hunt them, you know? Yeah, I would think so. You know, they all go out quail hunting.

There's always a human in the mix. Yeah, the Royals were the inspiration for the inspiration for the most dangerous game yes for sure they actually don't even hunt homeless people they hunt fucking athletes yeah they get the cream of the crop the only reason beckham got a man you contract was because he fucking avoided fucking being murdered by philip this young chap can run quite well you know how much i hate the summer and it's primarily because i don't like how i look in shorts and i don't like how I feel in shorts. They're awkward. They don't fit me right. I think I look strange. They're not comfortable. Well, along comes Bird Dogs, making pairs of shorts for guys that look sharp

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Is covered in fucking Batman eating pussy Uh uh uh Some good pussy What's that from? Sweet D Talking about how her someone died choking on some good pussy when she

they're doing the when they want to do the what you would call it the scene competition she wants to be on America's Got Talent or whatever and she's

she's pretending she's a former marine who has a stutter and she talks about how she my grandpa died eating some bad pussy um the uh okay so here it is am i the asshole for telling my boyfriend how i feel about marvel's hulk my boyfriend and i were watching thor ragnarok and and the part where

you see hulk's butt came on. Boyfriend was like, ew, why would they show that? No one wants to see Hulk's butt. I'm actually a bit weird, I guess, and I'm very attracted to Hulk as I have a thing for extremely muscular and inhumanely big guys. So I said, inhumanely, which I don't

know if that's a word. Like, holy shit, you weirdo. So I said, excuse me, but I am very appreciative of them putting in some Hulk ass. I think the Hulk is insanely attractive. Wait, I'll tell you what. He's got no ass. Yeah. The Hulk has no ass.

Yeah, Hulk's got to make a fucking squat, bro. He's got a pancake ass. Why don't you leave those lats alone for a minute and fucking hit the rack? Dude, forget that. He's got to do the BBL. Get that Brazilian butt lift going. You've got to inject him with some Dude, forget that. He's got to do the BBL. Get that Brazilian butt lift going. You got to inject him with some rubber cement, man. He's got no ass.

I want to see him get that cement in Russia. Go to the Atlanta hotel where Atlanta Rhodes was in. He's going to end up on fucking botched trying to get that shit reversed. Because he got, you know, like caulk shoved in his ass. Look at that. Look at those fucking triceps. His tricep is fucking more rotund than his ass.

Sorry, my phone's lost. But to finish off here... Boyfriend got pissed off hearing this and turned off the movie and put something else on. I asked him why he was being so rude and he says I'm a weirdo for liking the Hulk and for telling him that when he didn't want to hear it. I got mad at him for calling me that, and we argued back and forth.

Was I being the asshole, or was my boyfriend being the asshole? You've got to be a real insecure fucking asshole. You've got to be a real twink if you're getting fucking... Bro, that is soft. You've got to be the fucking biggest gay in the world to get offended by your girlfriend liking a Hulk. Like, that dude is just turned on by Hulk. 100%. And he by your girlfriend liking a Hulk. Like, that dude is just turned on by Hulk. 100%.

And he's like, wait a minute. Actually, I don't know. He's either turned on by Hulk. He's not turned on by the Hulk. He wishes he, like, was the Hulk. Yeah. He is a little twink and wishes he was a hunk. A jock.

And he's like, fuck, I'm not. And my girlfriend wants to fuck that. My beard over here. I mean, you know. I think I've reached a point i guess when i was younger i probably was like insecure like i was always like i don't want to hear any stories about you like fucking somebody else or what your ex was like or you know what the biggest guy you ever had or the best sex or any of that stuff and now i'm at the point i'm like i don't fucking care

i i don't care i'm not gonna bring it up i'd rather not talk about it no but yeah sure but even you know in the moment you can tell me some details, whatever. I'm definitely not going to be as insecure as I once was. And that's what I'm talking about. Humans, who you maybe have fucked already, we're talking about a fictional mutant. Yeah. All right?

Like, come on. You know what that guy, that dude, they probably like, there's probably like one dude, let's say she's a bartender and there's a guy she works with who's like this big fucking dude. It's like, well, wait a minute. If you would fuck the Hulk, you would fuck George. You know what I mean? There's some real-life practicality coming in here that we don't know about because this is – come on. You can't just be actually insecure about the Hulk, can you?

It would be... I think I lean more towards this dude fucking wants to fuck the Hulk than he's just scared she will. So you think that he's like back off? That's my man sort of thing? I think he's just like he's insecure about how he's feeling about the Hulk. He's like why is my girlfriend

He's probably like you're right. He does have a nice ass. But he doesn't. He's got a shit ass're right, he does have a nice ass. But he does! And my dick gets hard. He's got a shit ass. Well, these people are... You've got a real shit ass. I've got a great ass! I feel like these people are some white people. They wouldn't know a good ass if it sat on their face.

It's like when Pippa Middleton won best butt in the world. That was butt in the ass. Girl's ass is non-existent, bro. Same thing with the Hulk here. But also, like, why aren't they showing fucking. Show that dick? No. Yeah, no, I didn't mean that either.

I was just. Well, I was going to say fuller ass. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take a fucking. Did you see his goddamn arm in that, like, Instagram post he put up? I guess they just rapped. Yeah. I'll take a fucking peeve. Did you see his goddamn arm in that Instagram post he put up? I guess they just rapped. Monster.

I mean. What, the Thor is love thing? Thor and love thing? I don't know which one it was, but it's the next Thor. It is. It just has to be edited. There's no way it can be fucking Chris Hemsworth's real fucking arm. I mean, I would.

It's the size of his torso. I doubt. I'm not going to doubt him ever. Like, you're surprised by that? No, to me. Look at that arm. I mean, I would... It's the size of his torso. I doubt... I'm not going to doubt him ever. Like, you're surprised by that? No, to me. Look at that arm! That looks like the Hulk's arm! That actually does look...

That almost looks like the rock. Like, that... You might be right. That's weird. That's ridiculous! That might be touched up in a weird way. That actually... I don't think that looks good.

It's the... I actually tend to agree with you. It's a little too big. You can't, like, wipe your ass. It looks Thor-esque. If you put... I'm a Hulk-esque. If you look at it on the side of the Hulk,

it looks like the Hulk's fucking arm. Yeah, no, that's bullshit. That's not real, and if it is, you need to slow down. You're getting too fucking jacked. You know, there was a viral thing on TikTok. I don't know if we did this or not. Can you touch your elbows? Can I touch my elbows? Touch your elbows together.

You can't do it to me. No, I won't do anything. I'm good. Just can you touch your elbows? Yeah, that's how I like, yeah. Can you do it? Get there, John. Get there.

Get there, you pussy. Yeah! Yeah! Ah, boy. Are you out on hoge? Huh? What? No, just... We started this show talking about, like, remembering things at brunch. Oh, no.

Is this something embarrassing for you or me? No, it's just something. It's just something I did Friday night. Oh, no. I just bought like $10,000 worth of fudge. No. Bitcoin did a dip. And someone was like, oh, Bitcoin did a dip.

That's smart. I was like, perfect. Good. That's smart. That's not a bad thing at all. That's smart. I was like, perfect. Good. That's smart. That's not a bad thing at all. That's a good thing. It's just money. Bro, I'm over here.

It's not money I could afford, Kevin. That's a different story. I'm literally remembering it right now. It's not money I could afford. Kevin, I bought $50,000 worth of Atlanta suburban apartments. You think I can afford $10,000 of Bitcoin right now? Newman County. It's 40 minutes from the airport.

It's right off the highway. I got a message. I got a message from one of the original black stoolies. Lives down in Atlanta. And he was just like, oh, no. Oh, no. He bought a Newman. Oh, no.

It's an up-and-coming blue car neighborhood, Kevin. He said to me, I believe the exact phrase was like, there is no reason in the world why someone would buy an apartment in Newman or something like that. Oh, God, this is bad, too. It was a lot of FedEx employees. What? Because I guess, I don't know if it's FedEx, but it's like those companies that kind of basically work around airports

because you're shipping all the time. Oh, yeah. And it's big in those companies. They're having a rough week. I said, what the fuck does Newman need apartments for? Can I show you this? I'm going to show it to you. Let's see what you think.

Well, while you pull that up. I'm basically going to get all my money back in two years. I really don't care about your fucking apartments in Atlanta. Hey, I just Googled it. I didn't even know if I was saying the right name. And so I Googled it. What if it was the wrong town? I Googled Newman, Atlanta, and the first article that pops up.

This is going to be great. They're the worst neighborhoods to live in Atlanta for 2021? You can't script it. I literally couldn't script it. If we were writing a script and we said, all right, what's the scene going to be? I would say that's too on the nose. That's too stupid. That's too dumb. The worst neighborhoods to buy.

Google Newman, Atlanta. Literally, people also ask, what is the poorest part of Atlanta? And then, where are the worst neighborhoods to live in Atlanta? That's great. That's good. That's just great. Worth it. That's good. That's just great. Worth it. Already worth it.

That was a $50,000 investment for that joke right now. We should NFT that laugh and sell it somehow and make your money back. That's good stuff. That is great. The worst place. One of the poorest places in Atlanta and one of the worst places to buy. What's the place in America that's most like hell? The place fights just invest in.

See, here's why I would never invest in anything ever. Let me tell you why. Let me tell you why, John. Anybody who is coming to me, I mean, you've had to have struck out on the last 1,000 options. You know what I mean? mean what did your grandmother say no

so like it's almost like when people say they're afraid to trade with Jerry West in the NBA or Belichick in the NFL it's like if Bill Belichick didn't want this then like you shouldn't trade for it you know what I mean it's like did you ask Bill and Bill said no then I don't want I shouldn't be investing in this either but you're coming

to me because I'm an idiot the best part of that investment is that the guy was like, okay, I'll send you like all like the transfer stuff and all that. And I was like, well, I'll just write you a check. And he was like, well, like, can you write a check? I was like, yeah, it's all in my checking account. He's like, why? Yeah.

If you're granting your and you're checking, where else would it be? What do you mean? It's like, why do you have that much money in your checking account? Where else am I supposed to put it? Don't get me wrong, though.

I'm with you on that, but we're idiots. I would do the same thing. But really, where are you supposed to put it well the idea is you don't need your that money just sitting there you could put it into things that make more money for you even just a simple savings account has a higher rate of return but you might want to invest it in things i don't know such as an apartment complex in in the poor counties of atlanta it reminds me of one of my favorite 30 rock jokes. And she's talking about a significant less amount of money than I have in it. She's like, I think Tina Fey or Liz Lemon is like,

she's like, yeah, I have like seven. I think Alec Baldwin asked her what she has for money. Yeah. She's like, I have like seven grand in checking. And he goes, are you an immigrant? That's great. I was like, no, it's for a check. You can do that?

Yeah. I mean, I guess I could just mail you the cash from under my bed if you want to. At least it's not in boxes and closets. Like, you know when they say secure the bag? Literally, John has a bag of cash. Payday. Walked out with my two-week paycheck on my back. A lot of people

are just now asking to be paid in Bitcoin. I ask for pennies. Can I get that in rolls of nickels? US coins, please. Thank you. Fourth of July just passed, according to Polly Feidelberg, she would say that's the end of summer. Fights his mom. She says, Fourth of July, that's it.

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It's the official beer of spring, fall, winter too, because it's just the greatest beer on the planet earth. Anytime you're drinking a beer, any occasion, which in my mind is all occasions, you want the beer that tastes the best, right? You want the beer that's the easiest to drink, right? You want the beer that has the least calories and it's the least filling, right? Miller Lite has all that covered. It's great taste, less filling with only 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. It's brewed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin from the Miller Brewing Company. Always celebrate responsibly, of course,

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Enjoy the best beer in the world all summer long. It's MillerLight.com slash KFC. Go get them. I'll do something here for a little YouTube visual. It'll be audioake.com slash KFC. Go get them. I'll do something here for a little YouTube visual. It'll be audio as well. Oh God, he's taking his belt off. Let me take my pants off real quick.

Oh boy. We're getting kicked off of YouTube. Alright, this is a thing I've been thinking about for a while. John is now... No time like the present. Hey. Hey, Sour Patch Kids, you motherfuckers.

If you don't fucking start advertising with us, or at least give me free Sour Patch Kids, because I've had none. I haven't gotten one single. Nary an SPK have I received. give me free Sour Patch Kids, because I've had none, I haven't gotten one single, nary a, nary an SPK have I received, I am gonna get this fucking tattoo removed, that's a fact, and I fucking promise you that, I've done a photo shoot in a bathtub, I have a tattoo on it, and I haven't gotten so much as a free mini Sour Patch Kid. So if you don't fucking subscribe. Fuck a free one.

If you don't start advertising with this show, I'm getting this tattoo removed. I will hold a press conference like LeBron James and The Decision where I select my new candy. Yes. Yes. That sounds awesome. That sounds absolutely awesome. That's what's going to happen unless you cut a check to Barstool Sports. Fucking hair bow, here I come.

Oh, man. I can't decide what I want to happen more. I can't decide whether I want SBK to cut a fat check or John sits there and he has a bag of gummy bears and he has a bear of peach rings and he has a bag of fucking the little worms, the neon worms and you just... Twin snakes will probably come over that ass, baby.

I'm taking my talents to Swedish Fish, motherfucker. Oh, man. Yeah, it's getting... It's almost... If you were my friend and you were going after a girl like this, and like, this would be like, bro, come on, enough. Like, she doesn't like you, dude.

You know what I mean? Well, they DM me all the time. They DM me, they give me eyes emojis like they want to fuck me. You want to fuck me? Then fuck me. Get in bed with me. Fuck me. Fuck me, Sour Patch Kids.

Bend me over and fuck me. Shit or get off the pot. That hurt my back. Yeah, that's going to set you back about a week. You're going to be paying for that one. You're going to need an ice bath after that. I made the mistake of typing in POV torture video and just a bunch of porn.

Send me those results. Send me those hits. The San Francisco Armory. That didn't get the reaction I wished it did. Those results, some of those hits. The San Francisco Armory. Oh. That didn't get the reaction I wish it did. That took me a moment. If that takes me a moment, they're not going to know.

But, boy, that place. We should do a video. We should do a video. What's that called, Nick? Is that just B-roll? I mean, come on. You guys all know what I'm fucking talking about. I don't think they do.

No, they definitely don't. Do you know? Yeah. I mean, brother, you got to understand. We are deviants. There's very few of us who live our lifestyle. What's it called, Nick, when Friends is on and before they come back from commercial and it just shows a picture of the building and then they go inside.

It's an establishing shot. An establishing shot. Okay, this means nothing to you? No. Yeah, bro, bro, you are so miscalibrated on this. Just closer to my face. She's definitely not going to know. I knew Jackie wasn't going to, but I thought Nick might.

What about this little fucking guy? I don't think they do gay stuff. I don't think they do gay stuff. I don't think they do gay stuff. Show it to him. He's just about to say I don't watch street porn. I guarantee Kink has some gay shit. Nothing? Hey!

Minor, minorly. We should do a skit. I think there's another version. You know what? Now, okay. Here's what I will say. I know this building. I'm a tad concerned that you knew it was the San Francisco Armory. Like you could have said to me, you know that castle building in kink.com videos?

And I would have said yes. When you said the San Francisco Armory, that is a seriously deep cut. I mean, this Reddit page says, the San Francisco Armory, which some of you may recognize. I mean, this is up there with the black leather couch, but I did not

know what... I knew, Kevin. I mean, that is very, very, very funny. But we should do some sort of skit where the establishing shot is the San Francisco Armory. And then we just find a basement somewhere. Imagine that.

If we do some... We're doing just some normal stuff inside the San Francisco Armory. And then we hear two rooms down. You hear a chat of nine tails slapping on someone. You're like, I'm just trying to, you know, it's like a, like a WeWork. Imagine if you had a WeWork in the San Francisco Armory. We're just here with our little upstart, our little online store.

We share a space with these people down the block. You just hear fucking tasers going off the whole time. Is that milk coming out of that room? What's going on there? Casually eating a sandwich. We all hear it, right? Don't the fucking fucking skip. We gotta do that.

We all know what's going on here, right? I'm not going to say anything, but we all hear this. We don't need to talk about it. We don't need to say anything. But we all know what's happening here, right? The San Francisco Armory. Why do you know that?

Why do you know that, John? I don't know, Kevin. John, why do you know that? John, we're not doing voiceovers until you tell me why you know that i don't know kevin john why do you know that john we're not doing voiceovers until you tell me why you know that until we figure out why you know i don't know why do you know that tell me why do you know that did you did you google it were you like i gotta know where they film this i would for sure call that the kink.com castle. The San Francisco armory. The fucking... I just Googled it one day so I can go hang out outside.

What am I looking at? I don't know why, but Gary Vee and Buddha Ben are now just hanging out on FaceTime. Talking NFTs. Buddha Ben and Gary Vee. What a fucking world. The San Francisco Armory has got to be the most specific porn reference of all time. Of all time. I think I probably... Okay, so if I had to guess, I read an article once in GQ about James Dean.

Right. If I had to guess, here's this incredibly specific chain of events that's going to lead to the answer. I think we know, John. He did a kink scene. I don't remember them specifically referencing the San Francisco Armory, but they were on location at a kink scene.

And they must have mentioned it there. Just do a Control F for San Francisco. National Guard Armory. Yeah, Kinks. Kinks, yeah. Okay. There it is.

Not that weird. I will say, you know, but then you did put together San Francisco. It doesn't say San Francisco Armory there. It says an armory. I was going to figure out what armory this is. John went to some other armory. He's like, damn it. I thought it was the Boston Armory. I thought I was going to figure out what armor this is. John went to some other armory and he's like, damn it! I thought it was the Boston armory.

I thought I was going to find out. Why aren't they being more specific? Do you ever? Yes. We're talking about how awesome this show is. Do you ever just drop down to your goddamn knees and think about the butterfly effect that it took to get here? Because that was one of the funniest moments of my life.

And it will stick with me forever. And so we had to start this episode and talk about all the things we talked about. The only chain of events that would lead to that, you know? If we didn't bring up QAnon, we wouldn't have brought up this. And if that didn't come up, we wouldn't have brought up that. And it all led to you knowing the San Francisco Armory. Honestly, I thought that was a reference that was going to crush.

And it fell on deaf ears. He does this thing. I love when he does this to you. He goes, well, that didn't work. I didn't get the response I was looking for. It's my favorite Final Break thing. That went over like a lead balloon. So fucking good.

The San Francisco. You know what? I'm going to do this right Before this episode goes out I'm going to put out a poll How many of you know How should I wear this Does this phrase mean anything to you Does this

Does the San Francisco Armory If I said the San Francisco Armory do you know what I'm talking about Right If I If I said quote the San Francisco Armory Would do you know what I'm talking about? Right. If I I was going to say, if I said, quote, the San Francisco Armory, would you know what reference I'm

making? Yeah. Yeah, okay. If I said, quote, the San... I think this is going to be 100% no. The first 100% No, I got a few fucking couple real ones. It's going to be like the founders of kink.com.

Me and Fyter in a DM group, we talk about it all the time. How about this? You're so far off the mark. Do you guys even know what kink.com is? You do? You don't. Do you? Okay.

Okay. Because I think that's even kind of. Really? I think – Kink hasn't put out much in a little while. They have been slacking. I've bought multiple kink.com memberships. I bought kink.com memberships for other people.

For like a chick? Yeah, just so you know. You might want to start watching this guy's stuff. Wow. That's a move. Like, just so you know, you might want to start watching this guy's stuff. Wow! That's a move! Like, yeah, this is in your future. Yeah, no,

I never did any of it because I don't know how to tie knots. Because I dropped out of the Boy Scouts. Because I never got that patch in Cub Scouts. Yes, I don't know how to sign knots.

Alright, the buddy went over the tree. Oh, man. I can't wait to see these results. It's going to be like zero, bro. What was the name of the grocery store your mom went to growing up? Meat Foams. This guy's trash. Meat Foams. This guy's trash.

All right, listen, we've had a good time. The guys are fucking fantastic. April 20th, 21st, come see me. Yeah, we're going to be down in Raleigh and Zanies. Did you say Meat Farm? Yeah, Meat Farms. Is there multiples of those? That sounds like where Ron Swanson fucking got his grocery. Yeah, it sounds like a Sam Raimi movie or something like that.

It sounds like it's in the back of a van, to be honest with you. Yo, Meat Farms is out front. Get your cash. Hey, it's Tony from Meat Farms. I got the day old you asked for, Mrs. Bush. Meat Farms. It's unbelievable. You could bring your chicken and get it sliced thin. Oh, you can't. Oh, I'm sorry. Can I get a glass of champagne from Artie over here, please? What the fuck? Bring your own chicken?

No, you don't bring your own chicken. Because don't you like your chicken sliced thin? I've never sliced chicken, though. Like chicken breast? Yeah, like chicken cutlets. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. What do you mean? I didn't know.

I thought you meant like in a deli slicer. No, it's a guy. It's a guy with a big-ass knife. He wore an army hat. He's like a Marvin King. He's dying on his hill. He's been there with 25. Look at her knife. He's like, wow, you can, it's a guy. It's a guy with a big-ass knife. He wore an army hat. He's dying on this hill. I've never knifed. He's like, wow, you can do it with a fork. Wait a minute.

Explain this to me. What do you mean? Like, you go there and you buy chicken. Yeah, then you go to the guy with the army hat, and he's in the back, and he just slices it up. I don't think he's a general. I don't think he's enlisted. You meet the guy with the army hat. You meet the guy with one arm, no teeth.

He'll really cut your chicken nice for you. 20 years, he always had the same hat. He didn't even work there. It was just the army hat. Kid, I told you five times. Get out of here, all right? Hey, buddy, where you going with that chicken? Holy shit.

Meat farm. Now, is that a chain Or It's like a small chain Yeah A couple out there No Yeah

You know what I think Whole Foods Is buying that That's the best answer I've ever heard Where'd your mom Go to the grocery store Meat farm

Not even the meat farm Meat farms It's over there On Avenue Z Oh That's beautiful. All right. I think we have enough to proceed.

Maybe one more, just out of curiosity before we get to the cards, is what did you get on your SATs? It's a loaded question. It's a loaded question? Yeah. So the Maranara sauce. Mine was at, like, was it 2,400? So the first time I got like a 1,400, pretty bad.

But then I went back the second time and it was a valid Victorian. What's valid Victorian? Wait, what? The number one guy in your class. It's not a person's name. Valid Victorian. Sure. I thought it was valid Victorian. one guy in your class. It's not a person's name. Valedictorian. Sure. I thought it was Valedictorian.

I gotta get new teeth. It's just all things are set up. Is this the guy in the army hat? Was he the Valedictorian? So I sat next to him and I went back in sections and I got a 1950. Oh, nice. Did you cheat off of him? Yeah, I cheated off of him, but then yeah i cheated off them but then

they sent me like i gotta go to court like they caught me they're like you cannot go up that many points and they asked me to go to court and my dad's sorry what is the square root of 32. no i either you have to retake it and like show that you can do it or holy i got lucky boss who catches a case on their sat that's what i said i didn't get it back. And my dad's like, I won't go into court. You didn't cheat. I was like, eh.

Dad, dad, dad. Yeah. No, I don't know what I would have done in court. I cannot believe it's like a real thing. So what ended up happening? I took the zero. I would have cracked in court, you see. I can't do prison time.

This kid would have gave up everybody. I'm too pretty. I'm too pretty to go to jail. Holy shit. Well, the first time we ever got the answer of zero. It's tough. I got caught cheating on my regents. They made me shovel.

They made me weed whack with a shovel. What's your regents? Regents like a New York state test. Yeah, state test. Why would the penalty be weed whacking? They made me clean up around the school. They gave me a shovel to weed whack. If you cheated on this test, you're probably going to be doing some blue collar work.

Hey, listen, we're doing it on a favor, kid. You might want to familiarize yourself with a blower. It's the year 2021. Everything gets delivered right to your door, right? Why don't you have your groceries sent there, too? Why wouldn't we go to the grocery store, be around other people, push around the shopping cart with the grocery store, be around other people, push around the shopping cart with the broken wheels, load everything up, pay too much money for it,

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Like, go ahead. What did you do? So, dude, one time, this was when I was younger, and I was, like, I was simping hard for a girl. Like, simping hard. How old were you? Uh-huh. How old were you?

Like, mid-20s. Okay. Mid to early 20s. And I went to go visit her, and she was like, I have work. It was like a surprise visit to go like, hey, how much I care about you kind of deal. And she just liked fucking really running me around were you looking up at all no not really it's always that way yeah yeah and uh you were running around running errands while she was getting her back blown out by some other dude bro bro and so so she's like i gotta

go to work and i was like okay that's cool like i'll just i'll keep myself busy and it's like, I got to go to work. And I was like, okay, that's cool. Like, I'll just, I'll keep myself busy. It's like Pete Holmes and crashing. And so I just go walking around the city. And I, this here. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. It was in, it was in the South. Okay. And, and it was, so I fucking go and, and like, I just kind of bump into this homeless guy.

And I'm like, yo man man, you want to hang out? Not like that. It wasn't as explicit as that. It was like, he's like, it was the same kind of thing. He's like, can I get some food? And I was like, yeah. You want to come along? Let's go get food together.

So we go. And I forget where it was. It had orange in it. So it was either Popeye's, Bojangles, or White Castle or something. And we're just like sitting there at a table just kind of eating food and she calls me and she's like she just got out of work and she's like what are you doing

and I was like oh I'm at lunch with Rick and she's like who's Rick who's Rick and I was like this guy I just met what are you talking about and I'm like, he's a homeless guy.

And I was trying to get her to be like, oh, he takes homeless guys out. Mr. Philanthropy over here. She's like, what are you, a fucking weirdo? Good for her. I mean,

I am not going on a date with you after you go on a date with a homeless guy. No, this is actually, this is embarrassing. Yeah, yeah it is.

Because then fucking, she's like, I'll come pick you up. She had a car and she drove to work. I was just walking around. Oh, heavens no. And so she comes and picks me up. Oh, no. Was Rick there?

Rick was there, yeah. We were just sitting outside. Oh, God. And she's like, hi. I was like, yeah, this is the guy. We were just getting lunch. I was trying to be real gregarious about it. And she's like, get in the car.

Yeah, shut the fuck up. And then we're driving back to her apartment and we drive by a tattoo place and she's like if you really like want me to get with you like get my name tattooed on you and bro i was i was simping so hard i came that close like pull over let's sit in front like let's decide what it's gonna be that girl she's wicked she's pure evil that girl was like let's see how far like let's decide what it's gonna be that girl she's wicked she's pure evil that girl was like let's see how far

I can get this little bitch to like watch like dance for me like like like she was shooting her like guns at your feet just making you dance

like that is so fucking rude and it's don't get me wrong it is incredibly pathetic that you even consider doing it but the fact that

she was like that was a girl who had like a like a little little ladybug in the palm of her hand and was like I can just crush it

if I want to I could just kill this if I wanted to or I can fucking maim it and have me get my name on it forever

so every fucking person whoever shows him a semblance of love he has to explain to her the goddamn story about what a fucking pussy he is.

And then she'll no longer be attracted to him and he'll be out on his ass again. He'll be hanging out with Rick. He'll be homeless by the end of it. You literally might as well get pussy tattooed on your body. Or just a pussy. Just get a pussy on your chest. And people say, what is that?

And you say, I'm a pussy. That's what it was going to be. You have to get a huge fucking labia on your forehead. And when people ask what it is, you say, it's me. It's a self portrait! I really wanted something that captured me the most.

So I got a pussy. Oh my god. That might be it. That might be the biggest simp story I've ever heard. It's gotta be. It is simping. I was simping before simping was simping. Simping ain't easy, man.

Simping ain't easy. You gotta get up here permanently inked gotta get permanently inked for these hoes holy shit man you are pathetic you know what's crazy

I don't think you've changed much I feel like I feel like I feel like it wasn't even like so much simping it's just like like I just we've often made the thing where I'm a puppy.

Like people have to tell me what to do. Yeah. Well, I was going to say right now – Go get a tattoo. Oh, okay. You can do it right now. Yes. I think right now you'd be more inclined to get a tattoo if a guy told you than a girl.

Like you're not going to do anything for pussy. But I think if like some of the guys here – Will someone think I'm cool though? Right, right. Oh, will you like me? Will you think if like some of the guys here. Will someone think I'm cool though? Right, right. Oh, will you like me? Will you give me like some love and attention? Okay, okay. Absolutely.

I mean, yeah, you have a Sour Patch Kids tattooed on you. We all like, everybody has a bunch of dumb tattoos here just out of like, okay, will people like it? Will it get a lot of attention on the internet? Okay, I'll do it. Oh, wait for views? Sure. Yeah, let's do it.

Was she ever impressed at all? Not even a little bit no so did you ever hook up no the woman had her rules

wow I'm trying to think of the biggest simp thing I ever did probably buy a gigantic ring I don't know

probably blow my life savings on a ring. Probably procreate twice. I was going to say probably impregnate somebody. Procreate twice because she told me to.

Yeah. That's what I did. So I guess, you know what? You know what's a little more a little more permanent? That by Bojangles doesn't sound so bad now,

does it? A little bit more permanent than a tattoo? Two humans! I still have my nest egg. Sounds so bad now, does it? A little bit more permanent than a tattoo? Two humans. I still have my nest egg. God damn it. We are a pathetic bunch.

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slash KFC. T-H-E-Z-E-B-R-A dot com slash KFC. Get the auto insurance you need at the cheapest price possible. Last voicemail. Let's do it. Hey, guys. It's Kelly from New York. I figured I'd stay on beat with the porn topics for the week. Throwback.

So I just wanted to know, have you guys ever tried to replicate something that you've seen in a porn and had it fail miserably? And, you know, I'm assuming the answer is yes. So I'd love to hear the story from each of you. Bro, did she introduce herself as Kelly from New York? Come on. She didn't even know us yet. I've known that girl. I yet? I've known that girl. I feel like I've known that girl for fucking 10 years.

It was around 10 years ago. This is from 2014. 2014. So seven years ago. Kelly Keegs calling in the show. Kelly from New York. That's all I'm calling her from now on. What's up, Kelly from New York?

I could tell that fucking voice of hers a million miles away. Have you guys ever tried to replicate something in porn? Because you know that means Kelly, like, that night was trying to do some shit. I remember Kelly at, I want to say, like, KFC Radio 100. She was blacked out. She was like,

yo, you ever try the pile driver? I was like, this girl is wild. We were at a saloon for like 10 minutes. She's like, yeah, I throw my legs over my head. I'm like, you're fucking nuts, bitch. Have you ever... Yeah, I mean, fucking everything. Yeah, I've tried to have good sex before. Yeah, I'm my legs over my head. I'm like, you're fucking nuts, bitch. Have you ever... Yeah, I mean, fucking everything.

Yeah, I've tried to have good sex before. Yeah, I'm trying to think of what's... Didn't work out. I'm trying to think of what's specifically gone wrong for me, though. I've tried to flip someone over and I threw them out of the room. I've tried to switch positions and I gave them... Like, off the bed, through my bedroom door, into my living room where my roommates were. It's one of my favorite stories.

Imagine one of Feidelberg's boys, he's just sitting on the bed, through my bedroom door, into my living room where my roommates were. It's one of my favorite stories. Imagine one of Feidelberg's boys. He's just sitting on the couch. He's flipping around. All of a sudden, a door flies open, and a naked girl comes cartwheeling out. Like in the cartoons where they roll, and there's a dust pile flying out. And she was just like, sorry, and ran back in. And that is crazy she honestly she owned it she gave it like a tammy taylor like twirl and just came running back in the room see

that's a that's a that's a fun time that was a fun fucking time tammy taylor with a pussy i once i tried to flip from her on top to me on top. And I kind of did. Do you know one of Steve Austin's? Oh, I got one. I got one. Do you know one of Stone Cold Steve Austin's moves? He does this thing where he'll throw you off the ropes, and then he picks you up like this,

and he spins you, and he drops you off the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I basically did that to her. Flipped her, dropped her on her back,. She bounced up and I came forward and I smashed my head into her fucking face so hard it sounded like a watermelon.

Against the ground. It was like juicy. And her lip was so fucking huge. She was starting a new job the next day. It was insanely bad. i mean it was like her head hit the bed her head bounced up my head hit her lip and it was just blood and guts and swollen and she went to work the next day like honestly though she iced it for like 17 straight

hours we went we went we went out to the bar we went to a wine bar we were sipping on wine and she just continued to ice it. And by, like, the miracle of God, it just, like, went down. I don't know how or why, but it was, like, the sex gods were like, don't worry. We got you. But that wasn't like I saw that in a porn, but I just – it's like when you start to feel yourself a little bit and you start to try to direct traffic and throw shit around, you know? Dude, I did this.

This one's fairly recently. This one happened in the apartment that i lived in with gads and lo and i was having like sex in the bathroom like having to hold her up right the worst and then i decided i'll try this important way just like kind of throws her up onto his shoulders yeah so i was doing the clean press show. So I... So I... Oh, my God. I can't believe I ever told this story. So I throw her a butt to my shoulders, and I'm kind of like eating a pussy. But it was in the winter,

and the radiator's out, and I just burn the tip of my dick on the radiator, and I start screaming into her pussy like... Holy shit. And I start screaming into her boots like. Holy shit. I've never told this. And you got to understand. Obviously, anybody can understand that on the basis level.

But New York City radiators in the wintertime are no joke. Like 200 degrees. They are like melt your skin off hot. The hottest. Honestly honestly i probably left some of my dick hit on that oh no you definitely you that was like a little skin graft that is insane it was i was just like it sounded like a horror movie i was getting strangled like they were trying to cover my mouth while they stabbed me to death so I wasn't making too much noise. And somehow, I got her down safely instead of just throwing her through a door.

And then, I mean, you almost got to go on the DL for a little bit, right? Your dick was hard? No, didn't finish. Was your dick hard or soft? I was hard. Not hard, but I was chucked. I was like the worst possible it could be. It was hanging good, but it was still hanging Not hard, but like, I was chucked. I was like, the worst possible it could be.

Like, it was hanging good, but it was still hanging. Oh, man. And honestly, actually, I'm probably happy, now that I think about it, I'm probably happy I was in that mode, rather than fucking fully hard, because if I was hard, I would have hit my, no, my balls would have been the ones that hit it, because it was like, it just kind of hit the tip of it. Oh, you were like, underneath it almost? Like, it was kind of below you? So like, the bottom tip of your dick hit? Yes, exactly. I'm thinking like, that hit it. Because it was like, it just kind of hit the tip of it. Oh, you were like underneath it almost? Like it was kind of below you?

So like the bottom tip of your dick hit? Yes, exactly. I'm thinking like you hit it side. No, no, no. Because it was about this tall. That's a great question. Would you rather burn your balls on a radiator or your tip? I don't know.

I'd rather get punched in the dick. That's not on the table. That's clearly less than burning the flesh. But I would probably I don't know I'm going back and forth I think I think maybe now

Well not Now that I've seen it Look A couple years past this Do you have any scar? We're all good I need to wear a new scar We're all fine

Sure? Yeah we're good to go Cause you know Dicks are weird colors and shit You know But the Like Knowing that my dick Healed fine I wouldn't want to go back and risk it with the balls.

Yeah, ball skin is weird. It's similar to tip skin, but it's even weirder. It's more wrinkly and cruisy and shit like that. Hold on. You left a voicemail? Oh! Tell me the camera was on our face when you said that. Can I explain? No, wait. Hold on. You left a voicemail? Oh! Save it. Tell me the camera was on her face when you said that.

Can I explain? No, wait. No, we're going to listen to it, and then you can explain. Are we going to listen to it now? Nick, fuck you. We got to do it now. Fuck you. Because it's too...

Yeah, we got to do it now. Okay, can I... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was really nervous. No, no, no, no. You can explain after. It's really dumb. This is... I'm sure it is. This is Jackie's voicemail. I got really nervous. No, no, no, no. You can explain after. It's really dumb. This is, I'm sure it is.

This is Jackie's voicemail. I got really nervous. Okay. Let's see. What do you deserve to be loved? Absolutely fine. Let's go. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't see. Fight. DC. I have kind of a, am I I the asshole and also just a question. I was on the Zoom call the other day, and I had a nice shirt on, and then I stood up.

Oh, this is for work. So I'm on a Zoom call, stood up, and then I had pajama pants on. And then my coworkers were making fun of me for had pajama pants on and then my co-workers were making fun of me for wearing pajama pants but I feel like it's weirder to not wear to wear normal pants on a zoom call rather than pajama pants so my point was that it's unnecessary it's weirder to wear normal pants Rather than not so I guess it's a am I the asshole for wearing pajama pants or Are they is it weird? I thought that everyone else not wearing pants Just like the dumb pants and reals everyone's wearing like normal pants. I don't know

This bitch said pants like 600 times. I told you. I got nervous. But I will say this. I'm 100% on your side. I think it was way weirder during the quarantine if you knew you just had to be neck up that you would put on your nice work pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.

So I'm totally on your side, but the way that you executed that was fucking ridiculous. Nick literally, like you guys were talking about searching voicemails. I, yeah, yeah. Thank you. So I'm totally on your side, but the way that you executed that was fucking ridiculous. Nick literally, you guys were talking about searching voice notes. I was like, fuck. We need to get everybody's number at Barstool

and start searching. Yeah, I think I'm going to start doing that. Yeah, see who's left some voice notes before. It's way too easy to do that. Yeah, yeah. It took like two seconds

to find that. I was just sitting here like, hold on. Hoping she doesn't look up and see how tight it is. That could have been way worse. I was just sitting here like, hold on. Hoping she doesn't look up and see what type of pants. That could have been way worse. I was hoping that it was going to be. No, it wasn't that bad, but I do just remember ending it being like, I said pants so many times.

I need a pants counter on that day. I also, I remember, that only happened to me once in quarantine, and it was like on a Zoom with like Erica and Jen and like all the executives of the company and i like i didn't it wasn't even intentional i just like i looked down halfway through the call and i was sitting on my couch at the old apartment where i was like i didn't have a desk or anything so i was like i was this close to be able to see below my belt and i looked down i was just in boxers and i was like god damn and then like the rest of the meeting i was like don't

get up don't get up don't get up don't get up. Don't get up. Don't get up. Don't get up. Don't pull a tubing. Yeah, but now I'm with you. Pajama pants made more sense. Thank you. I knew you guys would be. But you're still an idiot. Yeah. Okay.

Back to that interview. Let's go. This whole segment is ajar. I might put a five spot in the jar. We talked about this. We didn't talk about this on the show, though, right? We talked about this in the bullpen? Yes. Okay. So I this On the show though right We talked about this On the bullpen Yes

Okay So I'm watching the show Hacks Which is a very funny show It's a funny show I shouldn't say very funny It's a good HBO

Half hour comedy And Gene Smart's in it And I'm riding high From Mayor of Easttown And I loved her in Watchmen So she's just killing By the way Mayor of Easttown

Who was that Who spelled Mayor M-A-Y-O-R You did Mayor of Easttown, and I loved her in Watchmen. By the way, mayor of Easttown, who was that? Who spelled mayor M-A-Y-O-R? You did mayor of Easttown? Well, technically. It's a yes or a no. But I knew. Clem tweeted after episode five when I was raving about it. He tweeted, like, I am just learning now that the show you guys are all talking about

is not called the mayor of Easttown. I literally knew it was mayor. Sounds like you didn't. No, I know just learning now that the show you guys are all talking about is not called the Mayor of Easttown. I literally knew it was Mayor. Sounds like you didn't. No, I know it sounds like it didn't. But I so consciously was like, don't write Mayor because every part of me wanted to write Mayor. And there were so many times, there were so many clips that you guys have done on Mayor of Easttown. I spelled it right every single time. I've caught myself.

I slipped up once. You Michael Scotted it. Don't say it. Don'ted it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Yeah. For those who couldn't see, it was off camera. Nick just did one of these, pointed at her.

Who was it? Her over there. Yeah, mayor of Easttown. What an idiot. What a fucking idiot. So in Hacks, the story of Hacks is a Vegas, like a 40-year Vegas veteran. She does stand-up comedy. I guess kind of like a Joan Rivers influence. So she has a Vegas residency.

She's starting to like lose traction a little bit. There's also this up-and-coming Hollywood writer who was – I would envision she wrote like the script for girls or something like that but she's getting cancelled over a tweet so she lost all of her job opportunities and her agent was like the only thing I have for you is that you can go help this woman write jokes and her team is like I know you don't

want to do this but you need to because we got to get younger so like this couple that just the odd couple that doesn't really work so she has to move to Vegas to do this and she's miserable and then she finally goes out and has one fun night she uh she since she lives in vegas she she goes to talk to her friend who's a blackjack dealer and sitting alone at the table is this guy and he's quick and witty and charming and he's betting and he's like you like place a bet like he's you know what i'm all in because she's good luck tell

me like hit or or stay and she's like hit he busts loses like three grand and he's like he's you know what i'm all in because she's good luck tell me like hit or or stay and she's like hit he busts loses like three grand and he's like it's fine because you know what three grand to have got to meet you like it's worth it and she's like googly-eyed and he's got all the right fucking uh lines but every time like he's also like you know he's like you're just like so beautiful do you want to do some coke and she's like yeah okay and he has like a ton of coke on him and then they're walking together hand in hand they're having this wonderful date and he and she runs into like some old hollywood friends who look down upon her now and she has a run-in with them and he hypes her up in this beautiful way and then

he's like you want to do some molly so she's like, okay, like more drugs, like fine. And so every step of the way, it's all this inspirational shit. But he's also like, let's fucking go. Let's rage. Finishes off the night where he convinces her to, well, she calls her boss. She spouts off all this steam because he gives her this big inspirational speech about if something's wrong in your life, you got to fix it. Wakes up the next morning after this like coke-fueled sex binge, and he's snuggled and sleeping, and she's like smiling nicely. She goes to get some coffee. As she walks back to the hotel, there's caution tape everywhere, and there's a cop who's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't walk in this entrance. Somebody jumped. And she's like, what? Somebody jumped? And the cop's like, yeah, some people do it all the time. Like it happens here all the time. People come and they blow every last dime they had. And they want to, like, have one last night of partying.

And they don't care about their money. They just want to do drugs. And they end it. And you can see her like, oh, fuck. And she goes back up to the hotel room. And, like, he had thrown a fucking chair through the window. And it's just smashed out. The wind is blowing. Glasses everywhere. And he fucked her and then chair through the window and it's just smashed out. The wind is blowing glasses everywhere.

And he, he fucked her and then jumped out the goddamn window. And, uh, she obviously like goes into a spiral. What, what, what do you,

what, how would you take that? If that happened to you, what would your reaction be? Cause I think it can go several ways. None of which are good, but I think there's a couple ways to take it. I don't think I would take it on any deeper level at all. Than just like –

I think I'd be like, I have so much clean up to do right now. Not really. But like clean up like – Like I'm going to have to talk to people. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd have to clean up. I'd have chores now. She had to like give her statement to the police.

Yeah, I'd have to talk to his family to his family i probably like i have many chores to do today right this fucking sucks right i would be devastated because you'd probably be like almost like a suspect they have to check that box first yeah yeah yeah that yeah that's like that's a really you know i don't think i'd get very introspective with it i'd be like i fucked a suicidal guy probably not the first time now and also though would you not have a a feeling of like i suck in bed you know there's no like like i would hope if you were gonna kill yourself and then you left me that she was like well at least i want to fuck him again in the morning she was like that girl fucks you that's like you know jared seven times has turned a girl lesbian because they're just like this is the worst dick i've ever had is the worst experience ever i just want to go down on girls forever now

that's this the extreme like that was so subpar i still want to be dead i love yeah i i think i don't i think if you're blaming yourself for that, you're great. Not blaming myself, but it was an opportunity. Had I fucked better. Imagine that story. I turned a suicidal person happy. Yeah, I turned a gay guy straight. I turned a suicidal person fucking, you know, not suicidal. I can't put my mind into hers.

I'm really focused on being in his. And I would have left a note that said like what i don't know like if you gave better head i'd still be here i think jar like so genuine you would have thought that was like scripted i think jar oh my god that was like i just great I remember when And again, this is back in the day when you could do anything When I wrote a blog Where I was genuinely trying to get

It was during the flakey And I was trying to get I wasn't trying to get people to kill themselves I was saying, look, if you're gonna do it Say it was Goodell's fault I was trying to get a mass suicide across New England. Yeah. And I wanted everyone to blame Roger Goodell.

Which is an amazing idea. I mean, imagine if the Thursday before the big game, the cops are like, we had like 64 suicides within Massachusetts last night, and everybody said it was Roger Goodell's fault. I was like right on a cocktail napkin, like Belichick's resignation letter. I thought it out pretty strongly. Where's the stack of money?

It's like five bucks. I think we're going to go a solid 10 spot on this one. And I would do the same thing with this situation where I'd be like, I wasn't – like my whole time in Vegas, all the coke I bought, all the money I bought, I had all the money I was losing. I knew it didn't matter. I wasn't going to see tomorrow. Right, right.

Or I guess maybe two days. I was going to see the morning. But I would – I don't know. It would be funny to fuck with this girl for the rest of her life. That's the thing is it really like, you could absolutely ruin somebody. Like, it would be funny to fucking put this girl into therapy. Like, I just spent the night with her. I'm going to do a couple more dollars for John.

Seven dollars for John. I just spent the night with her. Five dollars for me. Clearly she needs help. That would actually be one of the most fucking humanitarian things I've ever done, which would be to kill myself to get her into therapy. You're saving a life. You spend all night with her, right?

You're trying to gas her up. You can tell her, this girl needs to talk to somebody. I'll jump out this window so she legally has to. What? Yeah. Yeah, no. You're a hero. How to save a life. Yeah Yeah no That's it You're a hero

How to save a life You fucking You save that girl You kill yourself To save that girl's life She was on the verge of suicide In the show This girl is so depressed

She was probably suicidal Yeah Now she's thinking Now she's court ordered Has to talk to somebody You're welcome Five minutes She's got – Now she's thinking. Now she's court-ordered as to talk to somebody. You're welcome. Five minutes.

I might as well cram it in here. We'll have one big – and then we'll have to find a five-minute sequitur here because I have a story. I have a story. It's from the DMs that is astounding, mysterious, gruesome, gnarly, and really thought-provoking, intriguing. So this guy texts me and he DMs me. He says, just got this text leading up to a birthday this weekend. Need to hear everyone's thoughts on whether this person no i'm just gonna leave it at this okay so he gets this text hey team so unfortunately my friend he blurted out so i'll just say so unfortunately my friend uh jessica her dog was killed by an animal

okay so i'm thinking like you know i don know, you live in like the country or something. Like the coyotes got them, you know? I mean, he went snake bite. Sure. She walked into her apartment and found her dog split in two with blood everywhere. Not a snake. Maybe an anacondaonda i don't know probably not a snake i have no idea how this happened but i'm almost positive she won't want to host anything for a little while so i'm moving the party to my apartment building here's the address this will be easier on everyone but

please come here around 6 15 so i can get down to bringing everybody upstairs so the question is is this first of all a fake story and it's just the most ridiculous excuse you've ever heard this girl could have just been like hey guys i don't really want to host anymore and instead she said that her dog was ripped in half or did this really happen? And if it happened, then is this person, did they murder their dog? And their best story was that an animal did it? Or is there just like a serial dog murderer who's out here ripping dogs in half?

Like what? So question number one, is this real? Real? Yes. It's super positive. Okay. So, this dog has been ripped in half in what appears to be like a New York City apartment. Okay.

Now, number two, we're not believing that animal did this. Wait, New York City apartment? Well, I don't know. I'm just thinking, like, I don't know. I don't. If it's New York City, fake. Okay. I don't think bears are climbing to the 70th floor.

Well, that's what I'm saying. I think the whole idea that there's an animal is fucking preposterous. I just like... Anyway, you're living in an apartment building. You're not like out in the wilderness. No, we live in Newman County, Atlanta. We got fucking plenty of bears out there. How's that investment going, John?

Seen any dividends yet? I don't know. I heard there was a fucking hurricane. I literally don't know if it's standing. When someone asks you about your investment and you may or may not know there's a hurricane. I got the most diverse portfolio of all time. SafeMoon, got it. Bitcoin, got it. Apartments in Atlanta, not Atlanta.

45 minutes outside. Right off the fucking interstate, Kevin. It's right off the interstate. If you work for FedEx, American Airlines, it's a great spot to be. Easy access to the airport. Now, I didn't really know that hurricanes crept all the way up to Atlanta, but I guess, in fact, they do. Maybe it was just a regular old flood.

I don't know. I saw the streets. They were pretty full. I don't know what it was that caused it. Quite a bit of water. I'm pretty sure we're talking floating cars. Can we go and go to the weather down there? And this was a few weeks ago.

What's it called again? I forget. It's either Newman or Noonan. It's one of the two. I want to say Newman. I think I know your town better than you. I mean, I guess I would agree, but I'm also just going to like this guy, I believe, is like a New York dude.

But I don't know, a Philly guy maybe? But I just don't think any apartment situation, an animal comes into your apartment of any kind. Yes, New York City is the most ridiculous. But in no scenario is like a bear or some like chupacabra getting in your apartment, ripping your dog in half, and then, oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, no. Wait a minute. Let me read this out loud.

From the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, quote, you could hear it coming. One dead as catastrophic tornado hits south of Atlanta. 45 minutes south. Debbie Donnie and her daughter Gracie walk down LaGrange Street in Newman. I mean, it's absolutely eradicated. Eradicated. Like, trees down, everything completely fucking trashed. It was, yeah, I knew it was about a month ago. Oh, John. It is. yeah, I knew it was about a month ago. Oh, John.

It is. Your apartment might not still be standing. Look at the sign on the ground, which is like the most symbolic thing ever. There's a Newman sign that's just fucking, just torn to pieces, like this dog. This is. The city of Newman ripped in half like this dog. It is. I mean, I think we'll be fine.

I think we'll be fine. I haven't heard anything. No news is good news, as they say. Oh, my Lord almighty. I should check on that. Maybe you just haven't heard from your boy who, like, set you up. He's like, John hasn't asked in a little while. Yeah, and I'm not going to.

I don't ask for bad news. I'm of like i'm literally never gonna make this call what what's your guy's name just so we could check this article quick yes your boy's still alive jesus i i think that this person or her neighbor or someone murdered this fucking dog and there's a whole party of people who better speak up about it. I mean, if you're going to murder a dog. And I don't. I don't. How are you picturing this dog ripped in half, by the way?

I'm honestly picturing a hole in the wall. I'm picturing it ripped in half that way. With like a bear running through. Like the Kool-Aid guy. Like a bear came in. Yeah. And he went out on two separate edges. He could have gone out the same hole, but he came in one.

That's more of an agile fucking move. He's more like fucking streamlined coming in for the first one. Sure, sure. The second one, he's full. So he's a little like he's standing up kind of like he's walking out of the restaurant. Yeah, it's like after we come. You can't do anything serious. You can't burst through the door again.

But I was picturing it as just like how does a dog wear pants? Yeah. Just like this. Right. I'm picturing it ripped in half with a waistline. Like kind of. Yeah. So like two legs over here.

Like he grabbed the two legs the bear did, and then he just pulled. Two sets of legs together. Yeah. So there's one set with legs and a head and there's one set with tail and legs our most hated segment yeah yeah yeah well we've done dead dog stuff before i but here's how i'm picturing it yeah actually never mind just to cover our bases we'll go back and say this is a fake story yeah right right i'm picturing nick if you were to take the left dog there and take the blue line and increase it all the way up through its mouth so that it's ripped in half that way, I'm picturing it ripped apart by the mandible.

That is – Yeah. Do you watch Saw recently too? I was going to say if – because what I believe is happening here is a full-blown horror movie. I think someone's out here ripping dogs into pieces. But now you're back on the animal train then because a human can't do it. A human doesn't have the strength for it. Well, I didn't say a human I didn't necessarily

Specify a human You said someone killed You said this person Killed their dog Okay something Oh so now we're getting Super natural Something like that

Something maybe almost Like from Unbreakable That guy who like Turns into that Fucking Hulk thing You know No No not Unbreakable

Split Split Yeah okay James McAvoy Okay I can see that Happening I don't Or just like a you know no no not unbreakable um split split yeah okay uh james mcavoy then uh okay i could see that happening i don't or just like a i still think this is like a dog's jaw in an arm wrestling match a dog's jaw wins yeah uh but like uh let's say you knock this dog unconscious or something like in a meth field rage like a bath salts crocodile sort of thing you know i think this is dark man it's bleak you. You guys are not thinking dark enough.

A dog's been ripped in half, folks. I mean, how ridiculous. This has to be a prank to then be like, so meet me at 123 Main Street and make sure you buzz in a 615. Party's still on, though. We're doing a potluck. What are you bringing again? I'm bringing half of my dog.

Like, what? Darkest story I've ever heard. How do we segue out of this? You want the good news or the bad news? What do you want, the good news or the bad news? I always go good news first. All right, the good news is when we started this shit, only 10% of people watching our YouTube videos were subscribed.

And now it's up to 40%. So that's almost like a 50-50 split. That's a 30% increase. A little math for you. That's the good news. Too much math for me, but it's good news. You know what the bad news is? That still means 60% of you motherfuckers aren't subscribed.

It still means the majority. It's a good thing I asked first, because that would have been backwards. That would have been terrible, yeah. I was like, well, the good news is... It's a good thing I fucking go good news first. 60% still just freeloading off of our videos. And guess what? It's YouTube. You're all freeloading. The only cost is to push the fucking button.

Just push it. Push the button. Push it. Push it real good. Push it real good!