KFC Radio - Best of KFC Radio 2022 (So Far)

Episode Date: July 5, 2022

The best moments of KFC Radio 2022 so far, from January - June, include moments from Mark Wahlberg, Michael Che, Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, Sal Vulcano, Stavros Halkias, and much much more. Timecodes: 0:00 - Intro 0:24 - Room with clone 9:50 - Trying Meth - Josh Adam Meyers 22:03 - Bert Tom and Adriana Chechik threesome - Tom Segura 26:13 - Nate Diaz Story - Shane Gillis 37:09 - NYC got bounce - KFC Radio 38:49 - Coming onto Tom Holland - Mark Wahlberg 43:20 - threesome with Adriana Chechik - Adam22 and Lena the Plug 45:03 - Buying a Rolex - Bert Kreischer 47:55 - Karaoke with Loud Sean - Hank 1:02:07 - Jaden smith Tattoos - Sal Vulcano 1:08:00 - Harmonknees - KFC Radio 1:16:29 - Low T Hight T - Shane Gillis & Matt Mccusker 1:21:48 - Pool of Dicks - Uncle Chaps 1:38:55 - Sugar Daddy - Producer Jackie 1:50:11 - Legless Wheelchair guy - Producer Pavs 1:56:43 - Becoming a FinDom - Producer Jackie 2:06:23 - More Boners You Get - Adam22 and Lena the Plug 2:07:50 - Street Wars - Sal Vulcano 2:19:51 - Cutest B*tthole Competition - KFC Radio 2:30:50 - Club Manager - Shane Gillis & Matt Mccusker 2:33:58 - Golden Showers / Sucking own d*** - Pat and Joey 2:43:49 - Tommy Hilfiger Job - Michael Che 2:50:59 - Bag of Bologna - KFC Radio 2:53:09 - Phoning it in at work - Stavros Halkias 3:00:22 - Brad Pitt coming to his show - Tom Segura 3:04:19 - E.Coli Christmas - Polly Feitelberg 3:10:38 - Best Cook in the World - Nick Hamilton 3:12:34 - Party Party - KFC Radio 3:28:42 - More Athletic than Dave - Josh Richards 3:31:46 - Woza Cardoza - KFC Radio ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hellofresh: Go to https://barstool.link/HFKFC and use code kfc16 for up to 16 free meals AND 3 free gifts SiriusXM: Subscribe now and get your first 3 months for free of the Sirius XM App, visit https://barstool.link/SXMKFC to sign up. Offer Details apply Roman: Go to https://barstool.link/ROMANkfc to get your first month of Swipes for just $5 when you choose a monthly plan.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. This is fun as shit. I'm not trying to leave, but I had no idea that I'd be smiling this whole time. All right, so Billy Football has a hypothetical. Yeah, he did on macro dosing yesterday. I think he wants to be clear. He did not come up with it. And I don't know.

Maybe I've even heard it before. Maybe I haven't. Every hypothetical has someone else has come up with it. But it's about who popularizes it and who you heard it most from. And that's just how it goes. If you were in a room with your clone, would you rather fuck it or kill it? I mean, I would rather fuck it Yeah?

Yeah I don't even get like Cause you wanna just like You wanna thirst for blood Just like see what it's like to kill a human Yeah I don't Cause also Cause also then you gotta do like the fucking

Like that Paul Rudd show Where he's a clone Remember the one where Brady comes out of like the The spa And there was like that kind of backlash Because it was like right after Robert Kraft's spa situation Vaguely remembering it and there was like that kind of backlash because it was like right after robert craft spa situation vaguely remembering and it was like it's a it was the joke in that little bit was like that's how brady stays so young yeah yeah in the spa what they do is they just clone you and

kill the old you and right right and um i it is like but like what you can't just have another you out there well okay so that okay. So that's my point. What if it's an evil you? Yes. So that's what I mean. To me, that feels like the way that was presented to me is would you rather get off on sex or get off on murder? And I don't really need – I don't feel the need or the want to murder. I also – I'm with you on that but if you told me that it was

like if there's a is there do i gain something by murdering him if there is an evil clone if uh he's gonna put me out of business because he's gonna take all my shit if my kids are gonna you know go to him instead of me whatever like then then i'm then we can talk about i think sitting here right now i don't have the thirst for murder i think he could get me there pretty quickly i think i think he could i'm there pretty quickly. I think he could. I'm stunned your answer is not 100% unequivocally murder. I thought you do have a thirst for blood. I thought you would like to see that a little bit.

Well, definitely. Like get some purge shit. I'd want to fight him, for sure. That's what I mean. You have a thirst for blood. You want that action. I think the murder. Fight, for sure.

Honestly, if it was up to me, I'd be like Fight for sure. Like, honestly, like... If it was up to me, I'd be like, I'm gonna fuck you, but don't let me. The perfect blend. So you want to rape your... What you want to do is rape your clone. The choice was sex or murder. The choice was sex or murder,

and John split it right down the middle with some good old rape. I'm gonna fuck you. I'm going to fuck you. I'm going to make it difficult. That's what gets me off. Yeah, you're not into it, though. Resist. I'm going to fuck you, but make sure you resist.

You're all getting cut, so I'm fucking you. No, absolutely not. This is not only getting cut, this is getting turned into a social clip. That is exactly what I think I just want to have a fist fight and then have sex with him

you just said what many people are thinking but too afraid to say and that's what this show is for I would want to fuck me

I want to see who wins in a fight and then I want to see who fucks better well that's the thing I feel like I fuck pretty good so I want maybe I want my clone to fuck me. Yeah.

Because I know that I can throw down. Yeah, you want to get fucked. I want to get fucked hard. Listen, when I fuck, I think I fuck pretty good. So unlucky me, I'm walking around this whole planet unable to get fucked by me. How sad is that? Well, now I've got the opportunity. Yeah.

But, like, wouldn't you want to fuck a guy first? But I also don't want to get fucked by me. How sad is that? Well, now I've got the opportunity. Yeah? But, like, wouldn't you want to fuck a guy first? I also don't want to get fucked in the ass. Yeah, you want to fuck a guy first. You feel like... I don't know.

I don't know. I think I would rather get fucked by... Yeah, I think I would rather get fucked by myself. I think I would derive more pleasure from some good butt play

than fucking a guy in the ass. Straight up. That might make me gay. But straight up. I'd rather have stuff done to my butt. No social clip. I'd rather have stuff. Well done.

To my butt. Than me fuck a dude. I'd rather be a bottom than a top. Does that make me gay? Yeah. Wait a minute. I officially think that bottoming make me gay? Yeah. No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I officially think that bottoming is less gay than topping.

Because you know what's so gay? You know what is so gay? Fucking a dude in the ass. Fucking a dude in the ass. Looking at a guy's asshole and being like, I want to fuck that, is super gay. You know what's not super gay but pretty gay is being like, I like shit done to my butt. Like, I can just fucking close my eyes and pretend that's a hot chick doing some crazy shit back there.

I'm fucking that guy's asshole and I know it. That's gay. That's gay. Getting fucked in the butt? Pretty straight. And that's just where the world's going. That has empirical evidence to back it up, bro.

That is that's just where the world's going. That has empirical evidence to back it up, bro. That is, that's one of my galaxy brain takes right there. That is a galaxy. I remember, dude, I remember like probably like 15 years ago, like we were in like college maybe. And I asked a buddy about one of our friend's hot sisters. I was like, dude, would you let her fuck you in the ass with a strap on if you got to have sex with her afterwards? And he goes, dude, as long as you promise you wouldn't let me fuck her afterwards, I'd let her. And I was like,

whoa! And I was like, bro, you shouldn't say that outside of the car. We'll say it on the mic. Bro, 100%. 100%. I don't disagree. I'm with you. I'm just laughing. I think you made sound arguments there. It'm with you. I'm just laughing. Yeah.

I think you made sound arguments there. It really is. I think we can probably put a pin in it 50 episodes until we both come out. I'll hammer the under. I think I just came out. I think it's already happened. I think we're starting to get real flirty with this fucking line, bro. I mean, there's a reason why the joke is that we're the gayest podcast at Barstool.

While out and about frolicking around. They're probably banging more chicks than we are. I mean, I'm very close to getting fucked in the ass anyway. 150,000 subscribers. I hate when I... No. Don't tell people that. I hate hearing that.

Because then I'm like, take it all back! I am very close to getting fucked in the ass. A very funny line. No, I would definitely... I'd rather have me fuck me in the ass than suck my dick. Yes!

I don't want to... Than me suck my dick. Yes. I don't want to fuck. Than me suck my dick. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to suck a dick at all. I don't want to fuck a guy's asshole. You can put stuff in my butt. I don't think that's that crazy to say.

Zach keeps going, oh, my God. Yo. Zach's not being so gay about it, bro. Zach's being super straight over there It's fucking me up That to me is Absolutely like If we're talking about the hierarchy

If we're talking about the list of Gay stuff that I want to do The last on the list is sucking a dick Then Fucking a guy And at the top Coming in at number one Is getting stuff in my ass.

I'll tell you what I don't want to do though which goes on that list I think is I don't want to do an enema. Oh, no. No, I didn't say I would prep for him. I didn't say I was going to be enjoyable. That was good, buddy. That is... That, I think, I genuinely believe.

This podcast is over. No, listen. I got more takes. I got another point here. I think more of the reason why I'm not gay is not to do with the sexuality, it's to do with that stuff. Like, that to me is like your guy's entire sexuality and dating scene has to also be wrapped into like when you last took a shit. That's a problem for me.

I don't want any of that stuff. I don't know if you heard the beginning of the podcast, but it's not a goddamn nightmare. Like right now if Fidelberg was – seriously, what would Fidelberg do if he had a big date tonight? He'd be like, we can go home and, like, I can fuck you, but you do not want to fuck me. I'm right now filled to the brim with pork and lobster and steak and meat and tuna. You want to fuck that? Don't forget that I also had some rice and blistered tomatoes and onions. I mean, that, you know,

I would have to cancel dates and break up relationships and stuff. Like, as a guy, as a straight guy, I can go eat Subway tuna fish all I want, and it's not going to affect well, it'll affect my performance a little bit, but it's not going to create a disaster of a situation.

Whereas for a gay guy, it's like, do you imagine having an anal sex mishap with what you have in your body right now? There's plenty of stories of guys and girls. Like, oh, you shit on my dick. Yeah, but it was just like they had normal food in them. If fucking lobster and tuna comes out, God almighty. It's like, yeah, but it was just like they had normal food in them. If fucking lobster and tuna comes out, God almighty. It's not good. Not good.

Not good. Not good. Not good. What a segment. I don't have to be clean. Do it. I mean, I'm talking about like raping someone. There's no raping.

So I drugged this girl when we were drinking one night. All right, so I've got this layer in my basement with chains. So I used to be a raver. I was a raver in D.C. and Baltimore, and I'm cutting out a lot of – Yeah, come on, dude. I was, dude. I'm not going to lie to you. I would have pegged you as like a rock guy, though.

Oh, I was. Yeah, yeah, but. But I was also a raver. I had, because I went, what happened was I backpacked to Europe for like seven months. I did ecstasy for the first time in Amsterdam. And then when I, and that was where I went to like a dance club. Wait, what age is this? This is, this is, this is 1997.

So I'm like 18, 19, but I didn't start going to raves until 98 Right around the turn of like 99 And I But I'm cutting a lot of that shit out Because it's like The main story I want to Because first of all you get into the raves And sex is just being like offered to you It's literally like

It's just Woodstock Everybody's horny, everybody's on drugs Were they doing cuddle puddles at them? Oh yeah dude I've had a cuddle puddles, Adam? Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. I've had a cuddle puddle. Have you? I mean, not like. You just end up having an orgy, right?

You're going to fuck him. Well, no. I've never really had an orgy. I'm just saying, like, I've been. I can't say that because I just went to my first sex party out here. Never been in an orgy except I did last week. No, but see, there But no But see There's this There's this chick

There's this chick Wait wait Hang on We gotta do so much We gotta We gotta explain The rave situation We gotta explain

The condo Let me take that Let's break it down I need like a to-do list here I wanna hear about The sex party too Alright so Well the raver thing

The raver thing was I'm I was 18, 19 years old I think I just turned 19 And I was working at this restaurant and like everybody that worked there was kind of my age and we were all like drinking and doing drugs and one of the guys was like dude there's this huge rave in dc every friday night you should go to it and i went with him and it was like it was just like this like i said that

moment where you're like opening there's some of the most beautiful women in the world raver women are the way they dress everything about them just gorgeous it's like i think the only women that might be hotter are like x games girlfriends you know what i mean that's a great one because when they do the eight flips and then they cut to the girlfriend like god fuck the flip the 980 go back to her yeah yeah and and so i started i started going to parties and then i I started dressing the part with the big pants. And that was the 90s. That was the late 90s.

Dude, I was fucking... I'm gristled now. I was adorable, dude. I had the fucking Clooney cut with frosted tips and the puka. I had the 311 ball chain. Just fucking horrible. With the big pants. Funny.

And it upsets me. But also it excites me that camera phones weren't around back then because I wish I could have some of those photos because I was always probably with like super hot girls. And they were always, like I said, dressed perfectly with the bare midriff and the short shorts and angel wings. But the problem is I was dressed exactly like that. Dude, I had like the Gwen Stefani, like little Hindi dot.

Like a totally unironic white. Just feeling myself, dude. Fucking feeling myself. And that was where I started having like, you know, it was like I would go to a club Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then a house party Saturday. And I would meet girls throughout the week, that weekend. And then Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, I would drive all over the D.C. area to like go hang out with them. And I would take them to my parents' basement, which is like the fact that any girl let me have sex with them in my parents' unfurnished basement with the washer and dryer.

That's a seller, dude. You kind of do have a layer down. Just the washer and dryer, card tables, and me and my buddies could play spades. That's hilarious. So I was a raver for a few years, dressed in the part, and then I started kind of becoming more adult version of a raver. Not wearing the clothes, knowing the people that throw the parties. So I'm like hanging out. And then I moved from DC to Baltimore.

This is the story I wanted to get to. And then we'll get to the sex party. So, so this is, I can't believe I'm going to tell this story. That's what I'm saying. It's a little, where's the camera on me right here. It's a little graphic.

Just know that I'm not that person anymore. Okay. So we're at, we're at a rave in Baltimore this club called the paradox which uh I know big supporters of barstool uh Jimmy's seafood does they do a they do uh an after party uh not the after party the they do their big like Ravens football uh pre-game party right where I used to take a shitload of drugs. I was there with Sickler. And it's like the place is abandoned now.

And I'm like walking through it like, dude, I did coke right there. Fingered a girl over there. And so we're at this club and I wanted to do coke. But I couldn't find any. And I had a friend who sold meth. Now, I had done – I didn't like meth, but I had done it like a handful of times. Because I wasn't. That's a funny amount of times to do meth.

I feel like you're either one and done or a meth head. You'd be like, yeah, I've done it like six, seven times. Six, seven times. That's how many times I did it, dude. I wanted to make, my dad said, dude, you got to try shit out. Make sure you know you like it. Don't just give up on the first. He meant like baseball and shit, dude.

If you're doing crystal meth, meth amphetamine, just try a few different dealer stuff. Find the right bag. But there's, so I didn't want to do meth, but that was all that was there. And there's this blonde chick that's like hanging out with us that's kind of like, she's in the group, but she's not really in the group.

She's not ugly, but she's not attractive. She's just there. And she's very really in the group she's not ugly but she's not attractive she's just there and she's very i'm so sorry i'm not that girl like i was the girl who was just i'm not that guy anymore but she was just there okay so but she's like their girl is you know what i mean she's just like if she if you oh i mean most girls are just there. That's why we have Jackie. She's just there. I'm so sorry, Jackie. You're way better than this blonde bear girl. You're over there.

This is what gets me canceled, by the way. This is great. She's very flirty with me, but I'm always kind of like, whatever. My buddy gives me his bag of meth. I go to the bathroom. I do like two bumps of it. And then I walk out back into like the nightclub and then I just black out. And then next thing you know, I wake up and I'm in my bed, like, but on like my, my like, you know, what do you call my shins?

And I've got my hands down and I look down and that girl's head is between my legs, and I'm just skull-fucking her. And I'm like, what the? And she's like, ah! And I was like, ah! And I never did meth again after that. That was the last time I did meth. That's a good time to start doing meth. That is a good time.

What is your guess for how much time? Oh, yeah, lapsed. How long were you blacked out? It was daylight. I would say it's like eight, nine in the morning. Because then I remember I was so like still awoken. Like I was just like, oh, my God, the shock from that. And then the meth still in your system that I went to the –

because I was living in downtown Baltimore in like Canton Square. And then I went back to Towson and I had to finish a paper, and I did great on it. Got an A. Got an A on the paper. That was just so easy, man. Super thorough. It was like all the details. I had like bibliography attached, and that was it. That was the last time I ever did it.

That's a good note that you can still get hard on, Matt. Coke dealers should be like, hey, if you can't get hard on this, we also- Meth. It's Coke, but you can fuck. I on this we also meth it's coke but you can fuck for the morning yeah you know i never had a problem not being able to get hard on coke i mean like meth like i said i only i only did it six times coke i did a lot many times many times and that was how you always i always feel like that's how everybody falls asleep post a night of doing coke is that you you touch yourself until you get hard and then once you get hard you just jerk off until you come and then

right when you come you're like all right that's it good night everybody i've said that before i've had like just just fucking jerk off at like four in the morning pouring sweat because you gotta you get up. And then, you're not getting out of this one. Stop fucking doing it. There's only one way to go to bed. Come on, you got this.

You're watching the weirdest porn. You're like, am I into this? I don't remember this anything. You're just suicidal for the next four days. That's something, and that's the thing

is that I, I haven't drank in like 15 years that's not true that isn't true i haven't drank regularly in 15 years uh what i used to do and i can't recommend this to everybody but this worked for me uh was right around 2011 i would go and this is i'm doing stand-up i have a feeling what you're about to say is super not recommendable No it's not But this worked for me I don't know how or why this worked for me

So I wouldn't drink Or do coke One or the other was hand in hand It was like if I'm going to drink I'm going to do coke Because I was a little guy and I always drank too much So I needed coke to keep me awake And I wouldn't do coke if I didn't drink So it was like this double ededged sword and so I stopped doing it as I

when I first moved to Los Angeles and then I I think I'm I start stand-up comedy in 2008 and right around 2010 is where people that you started with start getting shit and then you start comparing your career and then you start being upset about what you don't have. And then you get something, but then it goes away or whatever. And so it's that like the ups and downs of the entertainment industry. Because when we all first started and nobody had anything, it was. You're all in the same boat. It's the best.

We're sharing the same sampler at Denny's. Like we all just cared about each other. And so the real frustration started coming at about two years. And I had a buddy from Baltimore who had moved to Venice, California, and he was a day trader. So he didn't have to do anything. He just partied. You know what I mean?

He would wake up early, do his day trading, and then he would drink and do blow. Not every night, but a lot. But he was a guy that I used to do a lot of drugs with in Baltimore. And so when he moved to venice when i would hit that frustration level in my career i would call him up and i go i'm coming over and i'm bringing 600 bucks and i would throw 600 down and he would i'd be like buy as much coke as you can and for the next two days we would do every drug you could possibly get our hands on in those two days if until until i fell asleep until i fell asleep we would just party and then eventually you would we'd get to

that place where i've drank so much and you can't snort anymore you can't smoke anymore and then i finally crash and then when i woke up i would drive back to hollywood and i would be so hung over that i would be like i I'm never doing this again. And then I would get it all out of the way. And then I wouldn't do it again for about another year, year and a half. That's a good run though. I mean, dude, if you tell me that, you know, I'd rather have once every 12 or 18 months a fucking binge than the other times I'm productive. I take that over, you know, everyday problems.

Dude, it was supermarket sweep during those two days. We need fucking Molly. Come on. What aisle is that in? I would love to hear from the other guy who's either on the phone being like, yo, it's time. It's been about a year. Or the friend's like, who's that? And he was like, it's Josh.

It's Josh. Like batting down the hatches. He's coming. Like, here we go. He's still, like, I love him to death. There's some people that just can party, that can contain their life. They can still make money. If I drank, and that was why I went to Venice, because I knew that if I partied or drank

or did anything in front of other comics, like, my career would be over. I was such a bad drunk. Like, I was, like, fun, and then you'd hit that blackout level, and then I was just like a hurricane knocking shit over. You did the podcast with butt plugs in? Well, like, I was kind of like,

it was between my cheeks and, you know, Was it inserted? Not fully. Why not? It break the seal? What are you, some sort of pussy? I mean, I didn't have any lube. Oh, that, well, Well, that's your problem.

Get a nice loogie on it. We met around the block before where there wasn't any lube around. It was... A nice spurt of cologne will get it done. It was a nice pulse. Different settings. Oh, yeah. It's like electrical. It was high-level shit.

Yeah, that's what scares me, too. It was high level shit. Yeah. That's what scares me too. It was weird to look at him and like want to come, you know, like that was one of the craziest feelings. That's a mind fuck. Yeah. It's like when you're drinking milk,

you think you're getting orange juice. You're looking at Bert, but you want to come. I'm looking at Bert and I'm like, oh. I'm like, it was gnarly. That's I think

the real question is like where forget about how long do you do this where does it go because the auntie even look at the birthday gift thing

by year three you guys are going to be spending a million dollars each on each other we have to slow down you have to you have to be the adult in this situation

put your foot down because you will just spend all of the money I'm going to find out what well I'll find out the gift soon and I'm going to be like, alright. Cap it?

Yeah. Maybe even start. Make sure it's after your, yeah, you get the gift. Maybe even start going backwards. I know that his wife, like, his wife is like, y'all are doing what? Yeah. Well, we went through the both your wives being not allowing

you to fuck Adriana Cechik, which was like, that was so lame. Fucking the lamest. I mean, you guys were even gracious enough to offer these alternatives, and they still wouldn't do it. Dude, I told her, I was like, you want to do a blow bang, go for it. She's like, no thanks. Bro, offering your wife a blow bang is lewd. I was trying to be

a fucking cool husband. But, yeah, Adriana was so cool. I mean, like, genuinely, like, so fun. Did you have her on the show? No, no, we'd love to, but she was like,

you know, just like, she was like cracking jokes to us about it on Twitter, and she was like, step it up just like, she was like cracking jokes to us about it on Twitter, and she was like, step it up, let's see you guys fucking DP me. You see her tweets about her neck? I've seen, I think I read, I think I read, I read like a blur, like an actual article

that said that she has like a fractured, permanently damaged C4, C5, and she was like, and I know for a fact, this is from the pile driver, and she was like, and I know for a fact this is from the pile driver. And she was like, and I'm not going to stop doing it. She's like, it's my move. How can I stop? And then I saw some thing that said fans were like,

please take care of yourself. You've done enough. And she's like, I'm not going to fucking quit. She will die on a point set. She had her teeth shaved. You know that? She had her back teeth shaved so she could that? Yeah, she's gangsta. She had her back teeth shaved so she could fucking

deep throat easier. It's amazing. I mean, routinely, you don't even brush yours. Routinely blows her fucking Uber driver. Could you imagine you're an Uber driver?

You pick up Adriana Cechik and you're just like, oh, it depends on what date it is. I hope she's in a good mood. It's more fun to imagine the ones that don't get it. Yeah, exactly.

They're like, what's wrong with me? Does she know I don't brush my teeth every night? You wouldn't give her one? I'm sure I wouldn't. I would just be like, wait, are you there?

And she's like, I'm not. I don't really feel like it. I get that a lot, but no, it's not me. Could you,. I would just be like, wait, are you there? And she's like, I'm not. I don't really feel like it. I get that a lot, but no, it's not me. I would love to be like, I'm going to let Adriana blow me out. I don't know if I could. You think you could just be like, all right, I've dropped you off at the destination. Come up front, and you're going to suck my dick.

And you'd be ready to rock? No. Full honesty, I don't think that's happening. I think Adriana's, at least my estimation, is that it's very much how she's feeling. Yeah. And that some people just win that lottery sometimes. And you don't get to plan for it. I don't think asking for it works.

No. I think it's just like things just... I don't think you get to say no to it. I don't think it's... I don't think so either. I think if she's in the mood, it's going to happen. It's happening. What was...

You had your night with Nate Diaz. Bro. Right? But I feel like there was more to it or something. Bro. Yeah. Nobody on earth is better than Nate Diaz. Yeah, that checks out.

I feel like – So I did a show with Rogan. And the whole time – because like Rogan brought me out there. So I didn't want to be like a dick. What venue was that? We did Irvine again. But he had to do ufc at anaheim the next day so he was like i you know he can't get fucked up yeah have to

he he does the prelims he does the whole thing right so i was like i gotta wait till rogan gets done with his set and kind of ask him like can i go chill yeah you know i mean you don't want to be like i definitely don't want to leave during his set and be a dickhead. So he got done. I was like, bro, I love Nate Diaz so much. This is my only chance to hang out with him probably ever. That's like your number one guy, right? You always say, if I can hang out with one dude in sports.

If you can hang out with one athlete, Nate Diaz, without a doubt. Which is a good answer. And I don't think many people would say that, but that's a good answer. Bro, it's exactly what you think it is. It was everything I wanted. I walked in. It was him just shotgunning a fucking seltzer. I got in there late, and he was like, yo, get him one, too.

He's the nicest dude ever. As soon as I walked in, he was like, yo, get this motherfucker one also. And he got me one. And then we walked outside and he front kicked a stranger. He got in a fight with a stranger immediately. Wait, after you were getting done.

So Nate's like everybody that comes up, he's like, let's get a picture. Yeah, fuck you. Like all that. And then one dude walked up that was like jacked. And Nate Diaz just immediately was like, yeah, you want to run up on us? But it was just like a perfectly nice guy who happened to be strong, right? Oh, he was?

He was mean mugging? He was asking for it? So I was a little fucked up. But it was tough for me to decipher, was he mean mugging because of the situation or pre? I didn't see pre. Right, right. So as soon as Nate called him out, obviously the dude was like,

what's up? And Nate immediately was like, yo, what's up? Dude, Roan said the funniest thing ever. So Nate has legs locked. I don't want to put racism on Roan. But he was like, so he slapped him like an Indian?

Like knees locked. Nobody slaps like that on Roan. Literally, no bend in the knees. Just like, fuck you, motherfucker. And then, obviously, his boys jumped in and pulled him apart. While they were pulling him apart, he threw a front kick.

And I was just standing there like, yo. And he connected on this dude's hip which just made him lose. He just flew everywhere. That would like, I actually, if like And then hold on. And then me and Nate walked down the street together. Just me and Nate. It was the nicest moment. Oh, that's cool. Did you guys kiss?

Front kick the guy? I wish. What were you talking about when you walked alone? As soon as we walked away he was like that motherfucker was was talking shit. And I was sitting there like, yeah, for sure. Totally, man. I'm glad your boy's broken up because I was going to jump in too. He's the best ever.

I love the two things you said that they were always at any time, two people were grappling. At any given moment, someone's grappling. Everybody in the squad was wrestling. What's his name? Marvin Vittori was with us also. He was like the middleweight or whatever. He's a beast. What's his name? Marvin Vittori was with us also. He was

like the middleweight or whatever. He's a beast. He's the Italian. He's a

monster. He had just gotten done fighting fucking Izzy for the belt.

He was with us like, don't fuck with me. And then you go

outside and everybody thought the other person called for an Uber. Just like wrestling outside and no Uber coming. It was the worst. I mean, I was enjoying it, but I was just praying to God nobody started wrestling me.

Just lifting my shirt up and slapping me. I was like, please, guys, don't do your moves. I've hung out with the Gronkowskis before. It's basically the exact same experience. Yeah, I would like to see the Gronkowskis before, and it's basically the exact same experience. Yeah, I would like to see... The Gronks and the Diazes together would be unbelievable. We forgot who got Ubers.

I'm in the corner like, don't touch me, please. I love you guys. You don't know how much I love you. You guys would be upset if you found out how happy I was Yeah I did it after one of the Pat's Super Bowls

At the Pat's Ram Super Bowl I was like in a mosh pit It's gonna be a rough dinner I mean you've gotta be like 13 deep Right? Are you sure bro? I was like 9 I was in a mosh pit

At the Chainsmokers At the Patriots after party with the Gronkowskis. And I took one. Yo, Chainsmokers rule. For real. Yo, for real, for real. Chainsmokers rule. There's no denying it at this point. Dude, and I had my shirt off and I was just like wrestling with them.

But like we looked significantly like different speeches. Yo, for sure. And at one point,, they were just like, dude, I don't know if you should be in here with us. I was so fucked up, and I was so fat. They were like, I don't know, man. Maybe watch this one from the sidelines. That's the thing about Nate.

Nate looks like a normal guy. His whole crew looked like normal guys. I was taking pictures with these dudes after, and one dude got tagged in it He's like a boxing champion Like these dudes are pure animals And I was just like yeah this guy's smart Fuck him up

Nate's just I don't give a fuck Fuck that I was like yeah true The whole night I was like yeah You're the best I love you so much Nate's incredible I was like, yeah, true. No doubt. The whole night I was like, you're the best. You're the best.

I love you so much. That's my champ. That's my champ. No, Nate's incredible because he's won enough to obviously be respected. But he's the only guy in the world who, even when he fails at his respective craft, he gets bigger. So he truly can't lose. The last fight against Edwards, who was the one? Where he just took a beating. Literally.

He had him in the very last second, but he didn't go after him really. He pointed at him and was like, ha. Yeah, because that's what he does. But that moment was cooler than winning. It was a slap and a straight. And he knocked him out. And the guy was like, boom, boom. And instead of finishing it, he went, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Covered in blood. It was awesome. Just like, yeah, I fucked you up. And then in the post, the interview, they're like, you could have won that, Nate. What do you think? He's like, after party at my house. Do not care, bro. Who's better?

Do not fucking care. Dude, when we went back to his house, it was an Airbnb of like eight dudes. All they had was like a laptop plugged into a shitty tv just blasting rap music yes like on youtube pulling up like music videos girls no dude like all dudes just like yo that is your dream bro that guy's a piece of shit i was like you're the best i love you oh natea's i can't think of anybody who's like further from from me you know what I mean? Like we're not the same species. Nate's a man. Nate's a guy.

I'm not. I'm more of a chick than I am closer to him. You know what I mean? Nate's a dog, dude. Yeah, he's a dog. Like to a T. Yeah, yeah. Go back and watch those fucking Conor McGregor, Nate Diaz interviews.

If you want to get fired up, like pre. So Conor's at the height. He's talking shit on everybody. He's like, ah, fucking blah, blah, blah. And then he runs into Nate Diaz, who's the one guy who's like, I don't care. Does not matter. Fuck you. It's the best shit ever.

Yeah. He's like, ah, probably. The best part ever is there's an interview. I think it's like MSNBC business or whatever. Some lady that's like, how do you think the fight's going to go? And he's like, ah, probably knock him out in the first round. And Nate just goes, he better. It's like, yo,

that's the best answer I've ever heard. He's like, you better knock me out or I'm gonna fucking kill him. That was because I was so in on the McGregor hype train and I still am. I still find McGregor very interesting. It's tough right now these days, dude. Beating up old guys and shit.

That was one time. He did one punch. I'm all right with that. I'm all right with that. I'm fine. I'm all right with punching an old man in an Irish bar. You beat up that fucking DJ. He's always beating up civilians. That's fine.

You can't beat up civilians. We just listened to Dee asking the guy in the chest. That's cool. That's Nate. And I will be honest. That guy did, you know, he had like a tribal tattoo. He deserved it. He was wearing a tank top.

It wasn't a Socking a geezer In his bar Bro that Irish dude Could take a fucking punch That guy dude He was like What the fuck was that He was the middle aged champ

That was the best punch In the world But I like I was heavy on McGregor In McGregor's heyday And I still like him I still find him entertaining And so

But I was Because I was so heavy On McGregor I was anti-Diaz. And then they've both kind of met in the middle where I love them both now. McGregor's gone down. Diaz come way up. And I'm like, I'm a big fan of both.

Diaz is old. So he's got maybe one or two. He won me because I was mad at him when he choked out McGregor. I was like, ah, fuck that guy. What are you talking about? Literally, that birthed my fanhood. But I was still so pro when he choked out McGregor. I was like, ah, fuck that guy. What are you talking about? Literally, that birthed my fanhood. But I was still so pro-McGregor. Dude, when he choked him out, I was like, this is the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Yeah. Just a vet. Making that guy tap. Just an underdog vet that was tough. And then the new guy that the UFC was pushing. And they're like, this is the corporation. And then one guy. Nope.

But I'm a sucker for marketing. Like, marketing. I'm like, dude, this guy's the best. But McGregor is the corporation. And then one guy. Nope. But I'm a sucker for marketing. Like marketing. Yeah. I'm like, dude, this guy's the best. But the, what was it? The Baddest Motherfucker Alive? McGregor is awesome. Yeah, that sucked.

No, see, that's when I became a DS guy. That was for a small street, though, right? That was at the Garden. I was there that night. Were you? Yeah. For what? What did you say?

I think it was the Baddest Motherfucker Alive. The BMF title, which is fucking cool. It's kind of a fake thing. They shouldn't have had a belt. It was like WWE. Yeah, it was. Lorne Michaels gave me his tickets that night. Really?

After I got fired. Shout out Lorne. Lorne was always cool, right? He was always good to you? Lorne's the man. You know he doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't give a fuck. He's like, I got to do this.

We're cool, right? You're funny. I'd love to have you. Everybody's being gay. You're exactly right, Lorne. And I quote. I was there that night. Masvidal fucked him up.

I like my dad. Yeah, but then towards the end, he, on his back, started winning. That's what he does, man. That's when Nate Diaz wins is the late rounds. You're gassed. He's a freak. This fucking maniac has been doing triathlons, and he's a vegan. Really? Yeah, he's like a secret fucking fitness monster.

He looks skinny fat because all he does is run and swim and bike. Yeah, it's not like bulk. And then towards the end, he's the toughest dude. And he can just eat punches. So it's like this bloody skinny fat guy. He's like, whatever. I can go ten more rounds. Yeah, it's Walking Dead type shit.

That's what he did to McGregor, too. Right, so I will outlast him. He gassed McGregor off of his own face. You better. You better fucking kill me. Because it's going to be a long night, motherfucker. Like I said, a lot of people live in New York because you're going to make a ton of money. You're going to have an important job, fuck a ton of people, and New York because like you're going to make a ton of money. You're going to, you know, be a be a have an important job.

Fuck a ton of people and go out to all these amazing places. And someone was like, well, not really. Like the majority of people don't achieve all that. It's like, yeah, you're right. But you try to, you know, so you have the chance to like I'm going to be a comic or an actress or a singer or or an eye banker. I'm going to trade on Wall Street and I'm going to make all that money, and I'm going to go try to find the really hot girls or guys and fuck them. Yeah, no, if you want to live in fucking nowhere and fuck ugly people your whole life,

be my guest. I don't give a shit. And that's also— Do you want to come to a city with some bounce? That's right. And don't tell me that there's no difference, because Kansas City doesn't have the bounce. You want to come find a little bounce, baby. Missouri don't have. Because Kansas City doesn't have the bounce. You want to come find a little bounce, baby?

Missouri don't have the bounce. Kansas doesn't have the bounce. Minnesota don't have the bounce. You step off the train station and, Ben, you go, this place got bounce. People like to talk about the city buzzing. No, no, no. It's bounce. Yeah, yeah.

I moved here from Idaho, and I'm happy because there's bounce around. And what I also – You can tell the bounce. The ladies know they have bounce. Oh, they walk with some bounce. Shoulders are back. Fucking bounce. Purse straps.

Right between. Yep. Tits out. No bra. Purse strap. Chest back. I'm in New York. Bounce.

I'm not even arguing there's a bounce capital of the world. Probably L.A. Bounce capital of the country. Very fake, so they stay still. We're bouncing. Our titt in New York. Bounce. I'm not even arguing there's a bounce capital of the world. Probably LA. Bounce capital of the country. Very fake so they stay still. We're bouncing. Our titties are real. We're raw in New York. We got raw titties. Everyone around here is the heir to the O'Henry fortune. Sue Ellen Mischke, left

and right. It's tough. It's hard enough to get a movie made, never mind make a good one. That's the big challenge. so so with this you know we had something but you've already seen it before in indiana jones and all these things so the way to elevate the material is really to have great chemistry with me and tom you have some banter and some humor that kind of made people much more interested is that is that where you like you kind of started that with you and you were trying to bang him? Yeah, that was a wild one. Oh, my God. That was a wild one, dude. Again, I'm like, oh, mate, I'm so sore.

I don't want to look out. I'm stretching on this. I'm Spider-Man. It hurt my leg. I said, oh, wait. Dude, I have something for you. I give you a PowerPulse massage gun. It says it on the box.

He's like, oh, thank you. And I'm like, he's come up to my house in an Uber, so I'm like, let me give you a ride to the hotel. And he's like, oh, thank you. And I'm like, you know, he's come up to my house in an Uber, so I'm like, let me give you a ride to the hotel. And it's like, he didn't tell me till after. You could tell he was acting a little bit strange, but it was like, then all of a sudden he's like, sex toy and all this. I'm like, what?

Where? Well, clearly, this is him having a, you know. Yeah, he's the one that went there, right? Yeah, yeah. I was like, try to help the guy out. What are you going to do? What kind of sex toys is Tom Holland using? Yeah, for real.

I just look at the massage and go, that's not something I'd use. You use one of those things in that way, you're going to the hospital, dude. Shit's at like 2,000 RPMs or whatever, man. Yeah, I didn't expect that one, that's for sure. He's on a high right now. I mean, you two together has got to be seen when you're doing press and premieres and walking around together. I mean, that's – Yeah, it's cool.

Look, here's the great thing. We just did a TV show together. I came outside. There were some young people out there, and he was already kind of signing stuff, and I just got in the car. Let the kid do the work? Yeah, let him do his thing. I think I'm more like a consolation prize than what I'm the old guy for, which is fine.

I mean, I've been there and done it all. That was what was so easy about going from, because I was originally cast as Nathan Drake. And I never really, they never called me and said, oh, by the way, now you've aged out of that part. We want you to play the older guy. They just sent me the script. When did they cast you as that?

David O. Russell and I were doing the first version of it in 2009, 2010, right after Fighter came out. So it was me and Post Beat De Niro and Pat Shewman were going to do this whole mob robbing museums and stuff like that. And then

a bunch of other filmmakers came on and I was loosely attached. And then they just called recently and they're like, all right, we're getting the movie going. I was like, cool. And I was like, but who's the other guy? And they were like, Tom Holland. I was like, what?

I'm thinking maybe we get De Niro or we get Jack Nicholson one more time or Tommy Lee Jones or Bryan Cranston. And then all of a sudden they were like, Tom Holland. I was like, for what? And I was like, okay, I get it. I'm the old guy.

Was there like a moment, like was it kind of like a pause, like maybe Mark will pick up on this by himself? I just laughed. I laughed and I was like right away, I was like, oh, my God, I get to do a lot less of the stunt work. You know, embarking orders from the helicopter. And, you know, for me to try to play, because they wanted to find a cool way into the movie,

still satisfying the diehard gamers, but at the same time, introducing the world of Uncharted to a whole new audience. Right. So, and Tom's a little bit younger, and he's supposed to become Nathan Drake towards the end of the movie, and I'm supposed to become Sully with the mustache that everybody knows.

So I was like, yeah, it's fine. You know, it would have been pretty ridiculous me limping around the whole time. I mean,

you remember like, I don't know, like movies like The Irishman. I was going to say, your boy De Niro was, you know,

I love him, but yeah, I mean, the guy was limping down the street. Yeah, it was tough seeing him. Is it tough?

You mentioned like keeping the gamers happy and I think you even said Getting in with the video game world, I mean, the guy was limping down the street. Yeah, it was tough seeing him. Is it tough? You mentioned keeping the gamers happy. And I think you even said that last night. Getting in with the video game world, I mean, it might be a pain in the ass, but it's huge. Yeah, you got the video game world. But the thing is, the difference between video game world and then comic book world is that these guys were the characters. They're playing the game. So they're in control of Nate and Sully. And so for them to kind of allow us to go off and do our version of it,

we wanted to make sure that we satisfied them as well as bring a new audience. So definitely mindful of that. That's got to be fucking stressful, though. It's stressful. It's not as stressful as playing Mark Citrell in a movie, and he's standing right there ready to freaking kill you if you don't get it right.

But it's stressful. Yeah, I always kill you if you don't get it right. But it's stressful. Yeah, I always feel an obligation and responsibility to get it right. You said that you're not doing anything crazy, but you've had Idrash Chachik on before, right? Yeah, she was my first drop. Which is an insane first drop. That's like having Kanye on your first album or some shit. If you're putting on a sex video podcast and Chechik is your first guest, it's like,

yeah, we're doing a basketball podcast. Here's Michael Jordan. But we talk about it a lot with her. She has one tweet from fairly recently where it's like,

her neck was broken. Yeah. And she's like, it's from Piledriver. And she's like, but I'm not going to stop doing it. She talks about it on the podcast. She knows that was on the podcast?

Yeah. It was crazy. She was like, yeah, my doctors just keep begging not gonna stop doing it she talks about it on the podcast she knows that was on the podcast yeah it was crazy she was like yeah my doctors just keep begging me to stop doing all of these insane positions I heard that and then I see her tweets

and then you know I'm on Pornhub and you see like the thumbnail of her like latest video and she's just bent in half and it's like yep nope

girl ain't stopping so I asked did you do that with her we didn't do the pile driver thing but we had previously hooked up with her where, what, you were at a bowling alley with her, and then she comes home with her, and they're drunk, and literally I'm on the couch smoking a blunt watching a fucking poker video on YouTube, and they bust in the door and just attacking me.

It was insane. You were watching. I'm not kidding. You were watching poker. Oh, it's so hard for poker. I just wanted to chill. I do know what you mean. I 1000% know what you mean. She literally was on the floor on her knees like,

please fuck us right now. Now that I don't know. There are times when I want to chill. It's not when that's happening. And she's the squirt god, right? So we're on our fucking couch. No, there was no tarp. It was just pure a tidal wave of squirt just blasting all over us we no longer have that couch

when i did red rocks and and uh the best was at the end very and just that by yourself moment the by yourself moments when you're doing theaters are the best i remember the first time I sold out the, what's the one in Boston? The Wilbur. Wilbur. And I sat backstage, I was cold, and I was warming myself against the heaters in the back, and I thought, I'm the only one here. Like, I've been the only constant in this career.

Like, I had no one really to celebrate with but myself. Yeah. So I was like, you better learn how to enjoy this by yourself. Sure, so good. You better learn how to be like hey man i'm grateful for this i'm grateful so when i did red rocks i went out brought a joint and a tito's a soda like this is you when i went up to the fucking stage at midnight watched the stars sat down smoked a joint had a drink and i was like this is the guy i get to celebrate with yeah burt oh you're gonna have a million people there uh television execs movie execs your, your wife, your kids.

Openers, whatever. Your kids have no fucking idea how hard it is to sell fucking 10,000 tickets. But you do. You're the only one. Your wife, your manager doesn't know. Like, my manager can tell me, hey, we need more promos for the dot, dot, dot. Brooklyn. I'm in Brooklyn next week.

You know, my brain's always thinking about that. But you're the one that has to sell the tickets. You have to do the promos. And so, at the end of the day, you're the one that gets to celebrate. And the only other people that understand that, oddly enough, are comics. Yeah. This is a great – it was one of my favorite stories. And it's a bad story to tell on podcasts.

I know it might be alienating. So I was in Vegas, right? I did two shows in Vegas at the whatever, some theater. And I'm walking around and I see a Rolex shop. I'm a big fan of Rolexes. I don't have a hard time buying myself presents i can buy other people presents but i have a hard time spending money on myself yeah so i go in i look and she pulls out this really nice submariner black black submariner she's like you should buy it it's uh whatever you can google

how much the submariner costs but i'm like i'm like i don't know i don't think so if it was for someone else you'd be like in a heartbeat. In a heartbeat. I just bought my wife a Rolex two months before that for her birthday in August. I bought Leanna a Rolex. And I had no problem spending that money. So I leave. My wife calls me.

She goes, did you get it? And I said, I don't know. I don't think so. And she goes, you know, you work really hard. You deserve it. And I was like, and then I get a message from Tom. He texts me. He knew I was there.

I sent him a picture. And he goes, did you get it? And I said, no. And he writes back, hey, man, you are the hardest working guy I know in comedy. You are on the road months at a time. You live on the road. You live working. You never take a break. You're flying to Austin to do Two Bears One Cave. You are working at the highest level

in our business. If there is anyone that deserves this watch, it's you. So, there you go oh right i bought it beautiful yeah i can buy it the next day i call tom i'm like what are you doing he goes you know man i sent you that text and i realized the same applies for me and i was like where are you and he goes i'm at a rolex store i said And I was like, I fucking work hard. I deserve a treat. I don't know how that tweet didn't have, like, way more action on it. Because I saw that, like, Sunday morning or whatever it was. And I thought it was some sort of joke that I didn't know about.

Throwback to the first Sean night. And then just today, they told me, no, that was real. This has 13 retweets this should be like this is some of the funniest pictures in barcelona sports history so you dana beers and loud sean i'm assuming as like a going away sort of thing or just like you guys just hang out and do karaoke on the regular no we had it was going away drinks it was like a few people dana myself there's a noah uh like kelsey although they didn although some people didn't come to karaoke. His wife was there.

She was like, oh, my wife's going to come. So when Going Away drinks was coming up, I'm like, all right. I know it's Loud Sean, but also he hasn't been in Loud Sean form in years. He also kind of got banned, suspended from being Loud Sean. It's Friday afternoon. I'm going to bring my backpack, get a couple beers, and go home. Sure. Dana has the videos.

Hopefully he'll send you the videos because they're hilarious. The only reason he wasn't getting service. But Dana was like, all right, Sean, we've got to do a beer tweet. Sean was like, all right, I'm doing Jacks and Cokes, though. And just absolutely smokes them. Like, Dana does a beer. Like, Sean, like, one sip gone, maybe less than three seconds. With the Jack and Coke.

They do another one. Then Dana won that one. And so they're like, all right, we've got to do a third one. They both do Jack and Coke. They do another one. Then Dana won that one. And so they're like, all right, we've got to do a third one. They both do Jack and Coke. Like, Sean just absolutely dominates them. And he was, I mean, it was vintage loud, Sean. Like, he was very. One last hurrah.

We were outside, and he was screaming. Like, he was literally like. People walking on the street were looking like. Walking by, just like, what is this conversation? Like, when I tell you that the nickname exists for a reason, like, he's so loud, and that's just sober at work. When he's revved up and drunk, it's got to be like he's got a fucking megaphone out there. No, he was on one. When he was telling me about how he left, how he was leaving, he came out there.

It was so funny how he told me. It was like, yeah I mean I I thought someone did a big hug yeah I thought he was like do you hear the news no what's up leave even congratulations yeah that's sad to see you got all good stuff and then he was just like he was just laughing in the middle of the hall over here and I was like, I almost want to be like, dude, we should go into a room

because like people are trying to work. Yeah. Yeah. And he always does that with the hands on the hips too. He's just like. So,

I mean, this, this, this picture montage here, the one of you with your head in your hand, like the, the infamous Popeye's employee

and him just pointing with his belly out. What is in his belly button? I don't know. It looks like there's shit in his belly button. It's probably like some form of a jacking coach. I don't know. I don't know if we're going to put it in the videos. I don't know.

What's allowed and what's not. No, no. The only reason I even tweeted that is that I woke up. So I have a video I'll show you I can send it to you guys. It's funny, but he Threw my phone across the room at the end of it. It's a nice phone is shattered I couldn't even tweet like on Saturday. I'm trying to tweet these and I can do everything but except for the Yeah, like it's like I can only wait. Can you put it in landscape and then get the tweet box?

Think about that. I don't think about that I don't think that works though so I had to text and I was super fucking hungover so I had to like text my laptop the pictures

just to tweet them out did he like was he like fuck you and threw it or like why I'll show you the video Mr. Brightside like that was

that was the original video started on the couch look at him he laying down, he comes back to life. Dana's got an even funnier one. He was like a bowling ball, rolling around, just like, he decks me into the wall. He's like a top. After that, he took my phone and just turned around and just fucking chucked it up the wall. Dude, that is an insane move. Bro, the look in his eyes. I thought he hadn't seen the camera, and then once he realized that he didn't want to be on camera,

so once we're in all those silence. silos, he was making love to the camera. No, that look in his eyes, that was a man who was unhinged. Joe Gang on! I think he said Joe Gang on your appetite. Appetite, he said. And then this, the move, you know, Dana's a big guy. That was right when we walked in, too. That was like the beginning of the night.

And Sean is a big guy, too. He looks like a little kid on Dana's back. You can't be his size and hopping on people's backs. I mean, it's like when you know those rooms, it's like those little small square rooms. Like at one point, Dana's got the video. He just like, and there's people like kind of sitting up, like not on the bench, but like on the top where your back goes.

And he just did one of these where he rolls around the building, like twirls and just like decking people into the wall. Like a mosh pit. As he's, like, singing. Yeah. As he's singing. He did. This didn't happen.

I don't know if he's going to get mad at any of this, but, like, this didn't happen, so I feel like it's okay to say. But we took a lift from the place to the karaoke, and as we're walking in, he was like, Everything's on me, but we have to get kicked out of here and that like I think you know his wife being there I think she saw

he was out of control I was like we're not gonna pay like $10,000 for this karaoke room like let's just leave he turned the karaoke room into a

what do they call them disaster rooms yeah wreck rooms he was going for it like he was like I mean I loved the spirit if we had let him go for another couple hours, he would have went for it. Yeah, I was one of those things where it's like, all right, we're doing it.

All right. He, like, sweet-talked him. He walked in. There wasn't a room. And he was like, we're good. It was vintage. As vintage allowed, Sean, you guys were there in the Totino's house. Like, I'll never forget him.

We were in a hot tub. And obviously, there's, like like six people in a hot tub. There's really no room, and he walked up and just cannonballed, like, in the middle of it. And then, like, it was connected to a pool, and then he just rolled into the pool. The greatest to ever do it, man. One of the greatest to ever fucking do it. I think it was BFD who had to, like, rescue him out of the pool. Yeah, no, it was face down after that, off the pool. He was face down after that.

I made an animation of that before I worked here. He's told me repetitively, that's the only reason you got hired. No, that's the thing. He was going through like, I mean, he's loud Sean. Everyone knows those stories and obviously he did like stop for a while, but at the

pre-drinks, he was going through his greatest hits. He was interning with the Giants. He's got a guy in Vegas. He was telling us a story about how he was walking across the street in Vegas, shit-faced, and it was payphone days. He's got a million stories. He's one of a kind. When this happens, he wants it to happen?

Does he go into it being like, all right, I've got to keep it cool happen or like does he go into a day like all right I'm gonna I gotta cut I gotta keep it cool today and then he just say it's a touch like Frank the Tank and he loses his mind or is he like let's fucking go from the jump I think I think it's like in he doesn't say it but I think he knows because Dana was like we got to do a beer tweet and I was like do what you gotta do He's a beast here, but like, this is gonna happen Yeah, he's like, we got it He's like, yeah, do what you gotta do Bro, that picture of him

Belly out, just like He's simply one of the greatest to ever lace him up When it comes to boozing The funniest part is too, he's working like a block away Oh really? It's not like if we wanted to see Loud Sean tomorrow It's not some grand going away That is, you know It's not like if we wanted to see Lachan tomorrow. It's not some grand going away.

That is, you know, like he did, he was on, I think, a 12 or 18-month suspension from Dave, right? And he is like a family man, so at the end of the day, he's not doing it often. But he is, he's like, he's like, who's that dude on the Rays who would bat like under 200 But he had like 40 home runs on the year You know what I mean He's not doing it frequently Carlos Pena

Dude just hits 40 bombs But he only has like 45 hits on the season When Sean does it He does it It's a home run every fucking time It might not be as often anymore But you're never gonna get just a casual night That picture

So when you have your head Is that just like They caught you in a quick moment? Or were you like, I got to go? For some reason, I thought the Popeyes lady had the, like I was drunk, but that was like my intention. Oh, okay, got it, got it, got it. I thought it was a real moment of like, oh my God, get me the fuck out of here.

No, I mean, it was like he- And that's sweat on Sean or a drink? Both, a combination of both. Yeah, like he, again, like I don't know. No I mean it was It was like And that's sweat on Sean Or a drink Both Combination of both Yeah like he He again Like I don't know It was

It was a hilarious night Say it We'll take it out If we need to I don't I mean he was So we're And like we're

You know We got Again I was not planning On having drinks I had my backpack Which when you're drinking And you're planning To get fucked up

That's in the back of your head Like you can't Can't go all out Because like you have Your backpack So in the back of my head It's such a weird't go all out because, like, you have your backpack. So in the back of my head. It's such a weird thing. It is true.

You're 100% right. But it's like. I have this thing here. It's going to stop me. It's just like a jacket. Yeah. But, like, if you wake up without your phone, it's fine. But if you wake up without your laptop.

Yeah, it's bad. It's what's in there. And, like, we were there for, like, two or three hours. You know, super drunk at this point. And he's like, karaoke. And there was, like, kind of like. Like, it was, like, 8 o'clock. It wasn't even there was like, kind of like, like, it was like, it was like eight o'clock.

It wasn't even that late. Like, it was like, it was like, you know, after work Friday night and it was like, maybe that comes up to me,

like puts his arm around my, my head and was like spitting in my ear. And he's like, when have I ever asked you for anything? I'm like, never. He's like, I need you to come to karaoke.

I was like, all right. So I was like, all right. Yeah. Like you can't, you know, you're calling it a favor.

Like, let's go. Let's go. But again, those are the best, the call it a favor nights. You're like, all know, you're calling it a favor. Like, let's go. Let's go. But again. Those are the best, the call it a favor nights. You're like, all right, fine, fuck it. You want to do it? You never asked me for anything.

You want to let the beast out? Let the beast out with it. But what is funny is. If your last wish is karaoke, let's fucking go. But you're going to see him, like, tomorrow walking on the street. That's what's funny. Like, he might just be like, okay, let's go to dinner again. It's not like last wish and I'll see you never.

He's like, yeah, do it for me now. And then probably, like, in six months when. He's like, yeah, do it for me now and then probably in six months when we have another reason to celebrate. He is a hurricane, a tour de force. Frame it, dude. Frame it. That belly button is filled with some sort of caramel or something, dude. That's fucking disgusting, bro. I don't know what that is.

All-time greats. Loud Sean, you will be missed. Legend, yeah. Hang him up. We do. We were talking about some type of rafters. Like, he's got to get up there. Yeah. Above his old seat or in the lobby or something.

We need to do a basketball rafter of 17, backing down on the paint 17 times and four jumpers. That's the other thing we were talking about, the sliding doors moment. Because that was kind of the end. That happened. I think the family stuff got involved. That's when he was like, all right, I should probably just focus on my job and not get absolutely completely tanked and say the most outlandish and crazy shit at every company event and not even at a company event.

The karaoke time the first time. Yeah. The sliding doors moment of what if he actually had backed him down 17 times and hit four jumpers. He probably would have been dead by then. He would have become a content monster. That would be the most legendary thing. He would have a podcast.

He would have a – And then he did it again. Yeah, yeah. No, that would have been – that was one of the more ridiculous displays we've ever, like, aired. First tape review. Those two guys playing. Yeah, first tape review moment. That was one where

it was like, it was exactly what you thought it was going to be. This is going to be so great. And then it started like, wait, it's just two guys who can't play basketball playing basketball. And it took so long. That's what he said. He went too hard into warm-ups. He was doing like Hakeem dream shake.

And then the game starts. Oh man. It was like instant. After two points, you're like checking starts, and oh man, it was like instant, like after two points, you're like checking your watch. Yeah. It's gonna take like three hours. That was one of those moments where I was like,

what if it never ends? What if nobody gets the 21? I think it was, I want to say it was almost like, remember Grudgeman Day when everyone was in the bar area watching? We streamed the radio on the TV.

Yeah. And I feel like there was a similar setup for that. Yeah. Only Gr feel like there was a similar setup for that. Yeah. Only, grudgingly, everyone stayed the whole time. I think everyone left before four points. Oh, yeah. That was like, never fucking mind.

We are done here, man. What else can you say? We're going to get that jersey. We're going to hang it in the rafters. All-time legend. Love, loud Sean. He's a hero. He's a hero of mine.

See you next week. Yeah. Yeah. I think when Buddha Ben left Dave said something like I have a feeling We haven't seen the last of Buddha I have a feeling

Now John might be In the job market again Sometime in his future Sneaky suspicion And he'll be back at Barstool Either professionally Or he'll just be like Oh there's drinks going on

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That's HelloFresh.com slash KFC16. I have that sobering thing happen to me every few days because I forget that I have Jaden Smith tattooed on me. So on the show years ago, so on the show, like if you lose, You said that so casually. Yeah, it's my life. If you lose on the show, you get like quote unquote punished. It's something you endure that the other guys don't.

But sometimes you lose together and more than one person will take it at the end. And so one time three of us lost and one of the guys got to, it's usually a surprise. And so we showed up and it's like, hey, you guys are getting tattoos today. And that's not always the type of punishment it is.

And so the thing was that we couldn't approve it or look at it until it was done. The only thing we could do was pick the placement. So I was like, all right, I picked my left thigh because I'm like, that's going to be the thing that's most hidden, right? And so we went and then after like five hours in the chair not looking, we get up and the camera turns on every wall bandage and we all have to rip them off one by one.

And like Murray ripped off his thing and it was a picture of him. So we threw him out of a plane once and he cried. He cried the whole way down. We call it cry diving. And we also say he looks like a ferret. So they tattooed a picture of a ferret skydiving on him. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, that's a good one.

That's kind of cool. So Q is like an old curmudgeon. He's like the cat woman, but he's a man. And he has three cats. So at the time, now this was eight years ago, but they tattooed on him a picture of a cat. And it says, 38 lives alone, has three cats. And then I peeled mine

off and it was a it was a photorealistic literally a photorealistic like a picture of a 15 year old Jaden Smith. Like I mean like you ever see like look at the tattoos and you go that looks real.

That's what I have on my left of Jaden Smith. How big? 15, like that big. I forgot he was 15. Yeah, so straight up, right? So then I have to live with that, right? Oh, you can just come right up. So I have fun with it, though.

I have fun because people that don't know. That's a great story. Any tattoo is like, I feel like all tattoos are kind of dumb. Some are kind of cool. But they're all like, if it has has a good story then it's a good tattoo Oh my god Oh my god Hold on that's the first one

Hold Hold So then Like I said I'll have fun with it If people don't know that I have it I'll just start talking about Jaden Smith At a barbecue ad nauseum Until someone goes you really like Jaden Smith and I'll be like no I'm

his number one fan and I go I have tattoos on my legs and they're like no and I just pull my pants and I show them and then they feel so uncomfortable I was just one because they thought I was joking and they made fun of it so then they're like you have to walk it back i'm like no that's cool if you like it also it's a 15 year old boy like three inches from my nuts and then and then and then um so i forget i have it that was my point like every once in a while i'll go into the shower and i look to the left in the mirror and i like and i forget he's on my thigh so then fast forward to about three years ago we're making the movie they surprised me get in touch with him. He's in the movie and I go crash, he was doing a movie premiere.

I go crash his premiere and he's doing a Q&A and I don't know he knows and I'm like, hey, so I have it on my thigh. So the whole thing was like they made me go in there and say in front of everyone,

I'm your biggest fan, I'm a diehard Jaden and then he's like, yeah, are you? And I'm like, yeah, I will, like let me show you. So like I'm thinking this is all happening. So he calls me up on stage in front of this whole movie premiere.

And they just see. Maybe some people knew who I was probably, but not everybody. So they just see this guy get up saying, like, I'm his big. And I pull my leg out and I have a tattoo. And the place is like, what the fuck is happening? And then he goes, yeah, that's me. He goes, but he goes, that was like six years ago. He goes, I'm 21 now

like you need to update that and then the whole crowd just is like what and they start cheering and then he's like let's go and we leave and we go right from there

to a tattoo parlor and he with him he poses for it and then I have a 21 year old full color Jaden on the right thigh

no way yeah they made me get it so I didn't I didn't wait so did he was he he stood there in on it though or like he was in on it it. Wait, so did he, was he in on it though? He was in on it. He thought it was a cool moment.

Okay, at that point he was in on it. He was in on it at that point. I didn't realize until that point. Amazing. And then he posed for that. Literally, that's what he looked at that day. Boom, boom. Boom, boom.

So I have him 15 years old on the left, 21 years old on the right. That's unbelievable. I mean, you know you're going to have to do like 30 on the back. Yeah. You got to just keep doing this until both of you get it. They say like every five years I have to get it off my head. Or I'll just put like a Smith family Mount Rushmore on my thigh and get the rest of them. You know what I mean?

But it is wild. Willow here, Jada there. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's also weird to explain it to like when I'm in a new relationship. I was about to ask that. Has that been a turn off? I always have to have that conversation. Like I have to talk to you about something.

Right. I'm going to take my pants off here. And then they think it's going to be really bad. And then honestly, I think sometimes they think it's worse than they thought. That's a great question. Would you rather the person you're about to sleep with tell you they have an STD or they have no. I'm about to get intimate.

I got to tell you something about myself. Like, oh no. But there's also like that. It's like, oh man, I was hoping you just had an STD. I didn't see it. It was the clap. We can fix that. You can't fix J, man, I was hoping you just had an STD. I didn't think it was the clap. We can fix that. You can't fix Jaden Smith on your body.

Oh, man. I think once you get to that stage, I've... You got dumb tattoos. But I've also been into people with some pretty bad tattoos around their genital areas. And I'm like, what do you fucking care? I have one. I have a Sour Patch Kid on my thigh here. I love it.

Amazing. But it's not a good one. You know, it's funny. They later admitted to me that what it was going to be before they thought of the stroke of brilliance that was Jaden Smith for no reason. Because people were like, why do you have that? And I'm like, for no reason. That's the point.

It was going to be a Caesar salad. That's funny, too, though. It's funny, too, to just have a Caesar salad. But I guess this was... Is that just you? You love Caesar salads? No, no, no. Just salads? No, no, no. Just general...

No, no, no. Hilarious. I honestly don't think I even want to tell you. Well, I don't want to tell microphones. I mean, I was going to say... I'm going to have the next great TikTok of 2021. 2022. 2022 it is.

The first great TikTok. The first great... But like the next massive TikTok page will be mine. Okay. I love it. Millions of followers. I'll fucking tell you. I don't give a shit. I'll fucking, no, I can't tell you.

Why don't you do it before we put this out? I need a lot of editing. I need a lot of editing. So you guys, my producers, let me know what you can do. Because here's the deal, man. I am going to have a massive TikTok page. It's going to be so big.

I'm going to quit this fucking podcast, and I am just going to be doing my goddamn TikToks. Some little TikToks. Who in the room right now knows about this idea? Nick, and all he knows is knees. All I know is knees. Knees? Knees like the body part. Knees?

Like your knees, your kneecaps. Wait, before? Hold on, hold on. Let me get a camera on you. Nick, do you, so all that you have heard, have you literally just heard the word knees? John said, remind me on Monday about knees. So I can't even ask you if you think it's a good idea. You don't even know what the idea is.

No, no idea. Does anybody else? No one knows. This is just in your brain. It's one of those things, though. Whenever John calls a shot. If you were to just pass out and die, no one would know your idea. No one would ever have heard it.

Okay, John is now taking his pants off. If you're listening to this episode, go to YouTube, KC Radio, subscribe and watch this so you can see him in his yellow underpants. Those are a color. He's now playing a song. Wait, I want to put on a regular version. What is this?

We're going down, down. What song is this? It's saying we're going down. I'm watching John's knees. Weird white man knees. Lumpy, strange knees. Weird white man knees. Lumpy, strange knees. His pants around his ankles. He's just... Is this it?

Is this it? Oh, you do? Not done yet. Okay. So I was going to say, this might be a TikTok too where you just like wiggle your knees and people are just like, yeah, it's the knees guy. John, turn to the left. Turn to the left.

So you're singing with your knees. I'm telling you right now, this is a billion dollar TikTok idea. Show it to pass. The man is making his knees sing. Hold on. Your dick is just in it. Cover your dick up and make your knees talk.

What them knees do. Make them knees talk. What them knees do. Make them knees talk. Have you been practicing with this song? The knees are singing. They're about to belt it out. Flexing those knees. I don't know. This is going to get so many followers.

You're rich, dude. You're rich. I know. This is it. What's the account going to be called? I don't know. It's got to just be like the knees guy. You know what I mean?

Bro, like, I was fucking just doing it. I got out of the shower, and I was just like, we're going. I was like, this is. So to just clarify for anyone who's listening, John had his pants around his ankles. His knees are like bumpy white guy knees that look like faces. That's not just you. A lot of people have, like, knees that they're, oh, there's the mouth, and there's the chin, and it looks like a face.

And he was kind of locking his knees. Imagine you lock your knee and let your knee go, lock your knee and let your knee go. So it looks like the faces are singing. So he was doing that on beat to Sugar. And also it's good for, like, because white people, we dance to lyrics. So I can dance to the lyrics. I can't dance to the beat. We just kind of do those things.

Like, we do, like, those are our dances. We just kind of do those things. Like we do, like those are our dance moves. We just like move your knees awkwardly. Do you think you can do like a ballad? That's what I would want to see, like a Celine. Oh, I don't know. Adele is going to be my next one. Which one? I don't know.

Rolling in my knees. I'm going to design my knees. I'm going to dress my knees. Got it. Like maybe my outfit. Yes. It'll be like a zoom in on the knee. But like in the outfit dress my knees. Like maybe my outfit. There'll be like a zoom in on the knee, but in the outfit you see

maybe a punk rock outfit or maybe an opera gown if I'm doing Adele. So you'll color it, but then you'll have fabric, like clothing on it kind of? No, no, no. I'll be wearing the whole outfit. So it's not like each knee individually dressed. But yeah, I was thinking maybe some hair taped up above the knee.

If you have a mouth, it would really drive it home. If I have. If there was like a mouth drawn on. Oh, no, I think I like it better like this. A little abstract. You know, you got to use the brain. Like, oh, okay, I see. I don't want to let my viewer feel the passion, not tell them.

It's like when you say, like, look at that cloud. What do you see? Yeah, yeah, yeah. As they would say, a roch blotch test. Yeah, man. And the key, though, I'm telling you, the key is going to be the name. I know. It's got to be, like, either something super simple where it's like you're the knees guy,

or it's got to be, like, a play on words or something funny. Knee banging? Knee banging. Like head banging? But no, it's not all going to be head banging stuff. Knee banging sounds perverted. Because I'm just thinking of like bones or no bones.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Knee banging, I'm picturing somebody putting your dick behind the back of someone's knee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which would work. Who amongst us?

I know. Have you? No, fuck no. I'm not a pervert. But don't fuck no me. I think I'm going to fuck a knee soon. I think I'm going to

get a foot job soon and I think I'm going to also twirl like that Oh think I'm going to get a foot job soon, and I think I'm going to also twirl like that. Oh, I've fucked a soul before. Have you? Yeah. Like, not like fucked a soul, like S-O-L-E. I've fucked plenty of souls. I want to fuck two feet together.

Every person I've ever fucked had a soul. Not afterwards. Not when you were done with them. But, like, I've fucked, like, an S-O-L, but not like standing up. One foot? No, no, soles, two soles. Yeah, like I want to fuck somebody's feet like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it was like, it wasn't like.

But I want to do it strictly to check off the box, because I don't think it's going to feel that good. It is very quickly like I have just fucking a foot. Oh, I'm so happy, by the way. Adriana Cechik is not a fan of 69ing, which I think is just the final nail in the coffin for my argument. How do you know this? 69ed with her over the weekend. She was on Plug Talk. I've been texting John about this.

We have to get Adam on the show. We have to talk about this. No Jumper, Adam from No Jumper and his fiancée, Lana the Plug, have just – I mean, it's now the second best idea next to knees TikTok. But they just... Aren't there so many who want to fuck my knees? Yeah. I don't let them. For money.

For money. There's probably some creepy dudes out there who want to fuck your knees. Yeah, for sure. But all you need is one. All you need is one whale. If I... Adam and Lana have... Their new show, Plug Talk, they just do an interview,

and then they fuck that person. They just fuck that guest. So it's like a 40-minute interview and then a 20-minute sex session where they just do porn. And it's the most brilliant idea I've ever heard of. It's awesome. For a guy, I think they made this for me.

Because it's like, I've always said, I want to watch the porn in the beginning where they do an interview and they ask you all those probing questions and that's mostly what it is. Sometimes they get into, sometimes they're talking

about the business. You know what I mean? Adriana Cechik was talking about how much she charges and you know what Adriana Cechik did? She went on eBay. She bought every autograph

of hers. All of them. She was like, I'm sick of these people making money off of my autographs. Now the only way you can get an autograph

is from me and I can charge whatever I want for it. She bought all her autographs. Now the only way you can get an autograph is from me, and I can charge whatever I want for it. She bought all her autographs. Really? Because all these porn convention guys come up, and they give you a stack of paper. And back when you're young, you're just like, oh, they'll pay me $100 for it, whatever. She bought them all back.

And I was like, am I going to jerk off to this, or am I going to learn something about business? But what a brilliant idea. Yeah. Adam has just, when he told us that he has a whole second house to do porn in that he used

that he bought with porn money I was like you're doing it wrong man but but he who is

you know an innovator a trailblazer would be like yo that knees thing man I wish I thought of that with the name

with the name we gotta have a good harmony. Harmony. Harmonies. Whoa. Harmony. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nikki H. I think I love it.

Somebody go on TikTok right now and get it before somebody else does. Just like, man, I wish I could fuck. We'll be on TRT. Dude, it's not a problem. We'll be on TRT. We'll be jack not a problem. We'll be on TRT, and we'll be jacked as hell. We'll be able to get pussy. Yo, have you been watching testosterone? Have you seen those commercials with, like, Frank Thomas?

I see, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the most ridiculous commercials. Super beta max. They're like, yeah, well, you're 40? Yeah, your T's getting lower. Did that happen to you guys? Like, oh, yeah. Now my wife's fully satisfied.

It's just Frank Thomas. The big hurt. And then the very nice commercial is a Skechers commercial with Frank Thomas. Yeah, yeah, now my wife's fully satisfied. Frank Thomas is driving her. And then the very next commercial is a Skechers commercial with Frank Thomas. My fucking feet hurt. I'm fucking my wife too much. Also, could you imagine being like 50 and being like, oh, my wife's not satisfied.

No. You hate her. Make sure your girlfriend on the side is satisfied. Yeah. Hopefully she's dead soon. This sucks. Imagine I'm in low T.

No T, and you still have to hang out with a woman every day. You don't even want to fuck them anymore. You just have some lady like, we never go out to dinner anymore. You're like, just shut the fuck up. Just fucking die. I'm fucking T's low. I have no tea, lady.

That chemical that used to convince me you were interesting is gone. Your story's gone. It's so true. Once the veil is gone, it's like, what are we doing here? How do you even think I'm interested in this stuff?

Then it's just a woman like, their house is better than ours. You're like, shut the fuck up. Oh my god. So the relationship's going well? Yeah, it's fine. I still have some tea. I'm still listening to stories like, huh? You're like, yeah, we'll get a patio.

I've always wanted a fucking patio. You're right. I've probably got to have low T, right? We've all got to have low T. You've probably got some T. You've got some T. I'm 36, but I'm also just like a pussy. Give me your sexual prime.

This is your sexual prime. 35, 36. I mean, yeah, I still want to fuck, but I don't know. I would bet if we did a T test, I would have low T. Yeah, if you say I want to fuck, I don't know, though. I thought guys were younger. I thought it was like women who got women women sexual will smith right about this women don't have a sexual prime they don't have orgasms yes it's all fake they're all lying it's written by guys with high tears dudes with high tear like and then she came so fucking hard because i did it. Five times I asked her afterwards.

We should get our T tested for the podcast. That's a good idea. I can't even risk it. I don't even know. I'd be so nervous I had low T. We've done a lot of that shit here at Barstool. Which might be high T. There's something in me that's like, I got low T.

Nobody can figure me out. You probably have high T. I'm balding. I might have high T. If you're super scared about me out. You probably have high T. I'm balding. I might have high T. If you're super scared about having low T, you have high T. That's true. Yeah. I don't know.

That could also be a chick's like, I don't want anyone to find out that I have low T. I would be pretty nervous about it. I'll do it with you. I don't want to do it like Barstool-wide, though. But if I had the lowest T in this room, I'd be like, well, whatever. You guys should do that annually and fire that guy. That's a good point. That's a great idea. That would be good

for the misogyny tag. Barstool Sports fires the lowest testosterone member of the team every year. And it's ritually fire one girl. Everyone starts doing steroids. You know how sick Barstool would be if you guys all started doing roids? We go back to the golden days of Barstool real quick.

If everyone was just roided up. I'm bringing the word cut back. When everybody, that was a classic. That was back when Portnoy had tea. I'm bringing cut back. I think he's got some tea, dude. I've been watching him. I've been checking him out.

He's got tea. You think it's exogenous? He's got the highest tea I've ever seen. Probably. He's okay. I can see that. I don't know. You think it's exogenous? He's got the highest tea I've ever seen. Probably. He's okay. I can see that. I don't know. You see the half-court shots?

That was not very high tea. He got a lot of flack for that. It was online, at least. You ever shoot a half-court shot? Yes. Many, many times. How short was it? The one I saw, the guy almost was close to goaltending.

That was the first one. The first one Dave did say goaltending. The second one was like outside the paint and like at the point line. It go back. The second one was like outside the paint and hit the point line. It was tough. The second one was criminal. We've all agreed that once he missed the first one, all the parties involved should have been like, eh, the buzzer, that's it, it's over.

And they were like, do it again. His arms gave out. He's got the bad shoulders. But I feel like if we did a tea test here, and they post it off on the wall, and you've got to see if you made the team, basically. Do gay dudes have the highest tea? Yes.

Yeah? Is that true? Biggest dicks, too. Biggest dicks, highest tea. Yep. I guess it makes sense. Is that true? I feel like gay guys probably have bigger dicks than straight guys.

On average. Will Smith told you. No, there's a book called A Billion Wicked Thoughts. Dude, I hate this fucking a book called Billion Wicked Thoughts dude I hate this fucking book Billion Wicked Thoughts you've been hearing about this book a lot

for a while Billion Wicked Thoughts Wicked Thoughts really good book your dick's a plunger oh yeah I mean I'm plunging out

Matt told me that years ago and I was mad about it why high T I was mad I don't like other guys I don't like sexual rivals

and then Matt told me about it. I was like, you're reading all this hippie fucking bullshit. And then it just became like common knowledge. I had to apologize. Every time Matt hits me with a dumb fucking theory, I'm like, dude, you're an idiot. And then in three years, everyone says it. We've got Pappy Chaps on the line for a little impromptu session.

I don't even know what's going on here. I think you said you wanted this to be a surprise? Yeah. Because Fights has not told anybody what this is about. I'm assuming with you, you know, it might be like butthole related. Close. I'm just saying it's a wild card. You never know what it could be. You're in the neighborhood.

Is it balls stuff? No, we're closer though. Warmer? Dick stuff? Yeah. Okay, warmer yeah okay dick stuff dick stuff yeah i went up i went you know i traveled upwards chaps he called me friday night was it friday night yeah i think so i think it was friday friday night friday evening something like that and posed just a delightful question that i'm gonna let him pose here and i thought i was like you know what we gotta discuss it on kfc radio I mean, if it's dick talk, we do. We do.

All right. So let me set the scene a little bit. Actually, wait. Pause for a second. Let me set this scene for other people. If you're not watching, Chaps is doing it from his spot where there's just every American president plastered against the wall. We've got like Marines. Except two, and it triggers people big time. All the president, but two. I don't have Trump and it triggers people big time. Oh, I bet president.

But two, I don't have Trump and I don't have Biden up there. I don't want those two fucks associated with me. I kept Andrew Jackson is staying. I was going to say

we're doing we're doing AJ still up there, huh? But no, no Biden. So all the presidents, we've got Marine Corps like slogans and pictures. So all of that's up. If you're not listening, if you're not watching, you should and pictures so all that's up if you're not

listening if you're not watching you should be go to the youtube but if you're listening keep that in mind while we talk dicks go ahead and i don't remember where it started in my brain but the there's something about a cock like a flaccid cock that is just so comfortable. Like if you look at it when it's flaccid, we've always thought of it's kind of gross. And I think like women being like, oh, I don't want an unsolicited dick pic. To me, a soft dick is like human stuffed animal. Like where you can just, as long as it's not hard,

once it becomes hard, then things get nefarious and gross. But if it's soft and you just like rest your head on it and it's basically so soft it's made of that same kind of silky material the dermatologists want us to use so we don't get as many wrinkles like if you had a beach like a bean bag full of dicks it would be the most comfortable chair in your house. It is. When Jabs caught me with this, I was like, holy shit, he's 100% right. The texture of a penis. A penis is one of the more miraculous things in the world

because I said it's a shapeshifter. It lives in a state that we haven't quantified yet. It's like when water can be a solid gas or liquid. It's a littlehifter. It lives in a state that we haven't quantified yet. It's like when water can be a solid, gas or liquid. It's a little bit of everything. Your dick is like a kitten. It's like a mouse that can kind of shift into any shape it gets under, right? Yeah, like a mouse can fit through a hole this big.

I could fucking put my dick in a... I could put my dick through a fucking pinhole. It would just get you know what it is skinny and you know what our dicks are scott calvin going into a house without a chimney when it just when it just fits down that stick your dick in anything and fill it up the same exact way whether it's a shot glass or a protein shaker. Well, Tabs, in that sense, it is gaseous. So it's liquid, solid, and gaseous. It fills up the whole room.

It does fill. Yeah. It does. A dick is the center of attention. Every room it goes in fills the whole thing just like a gas. Now, wait. Here's my problem, though. First of all, we kind of had this discussion a while back.

I don't think that you can call our dicks, certainly when they're soft, cocks. We had this talk. A cock is usually like a 10-incher. Probably not really many white guys with cocks. That's a different – that's when your dick is shape-shifting to its final form. So we can't call it a cock. No. Also –

Did anyone pose that idea he well he said cock in the very beginning well okay well i just wanted the way that you cocks can go two ways too like you got your hard c like you got your big capital letter c cock and that's when that thing is just ready to go to pound town and then you got yourself you got your casual passers-by cock like if you're walking past like a fucking harris teeter and somebody's pissing like that guy's got his fucking cock out so here's my thing i i've said this many times too my small cock my soft cock, embarrassingly small. I mean, it's just so small that it almost transfers over, crosses over into like button, button territory.

That almost- You get out of the shower and it's cold. Yeah, where it's like going inside almost. And that I don't like. That doesn't give me the soft, cuddly beanbag chair feeling. I need my dick on a good dick day, still soft, when it hasn't begun to defy gravity yet, and it's still just flopping there, and it kind of rests. It rests on my balls, much like it's like a butter.

It's like a stick of butter in the butter dish. You know what I mean? It's like they go inside of me, like hand in hand. My dick goes into my balls hot dog bun yeah hot dog in a bun where it's just that's what i could take a nap on well well we've long thought of cox wrong i think we've always viewed the combo of testicles and penis as batman and robin where the penis is Batman. We've got that all wrong. The penis follows the lead of the testicles. So, for instance, when you're cold, if your balls start to shrivel up,

your dick looks at your balls and is like, oh, the balls are tightening up. I better get out of here. Retreat, retreat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the penis follows the lead of the ball. But when I have a long ball day, you ever have a long ball day and good wood, and then you almost have that flying squirrel attachment from your dick to your balls?

You know what I mean? I feel like if I had a long ball day with my good dick day, and I was outside nude, and a gust of wind hit me, I feel like I could be taken away with that thing. It's a jib. You got your jib out. You changed the radio.

I'd be flying away. I'd be like Harry Potter playing Quidditch with that thing. Flying around with my dick and balls. Chaps had a... This is where I really thought that you kind of hit a home run. Chaps said, if there was a pool

of flaccid dicks, No, no! Would you jump in it? And I'd jump in in a heartbeat. I'd draw the line there. I would jump in, I am officially out. It's fucking,

like, it's comfy. John is now grabbing his flaccid penis. There's a little part, like, it's just like, it's all, it would be like swimming in Jell-O.

Bro, jumping into a pool of dicks Would that be swimming in Jell-O? It would be like one of those slimy finger traps That you can get from the dollar store Yeah, yeah Would anybody not swim in Jell-O? You wouldn't swim in Jell-O?

I don't No, I think you would drown You wouldn't be able to get out I'd swim in these dicks Tell me I'd drown in dicks I don't think you would drown. You wouldn't be able to get out. I'd swim in these dicks. Tell me I'd drown in dicks. I wouldn't drown in dicks. I don't think it'd be swimming. We know, Zach. We know you'd rather swim in dicks. I'm thinking this is like a ball pit.

I think it'd just be resting. You wouldn't be swimming. You'd be resting on just a beautiful, beautiful pillow of cocks. In my wildest dreams, if I was just covered in soft dicks, I'd feel good about it. I think I'd feel good. A go-off king. Yes. I'm picturing a Scrooge McDuck dive into the dicks. Oh yeah. And you're swimming around

through these dicks. Now we're cooking. Yeah. How many dicks do you think fill a pool? Good question. That's like one of those Google questions on the interview. So if you had an empty pool. Well, you got to, let's say we go with a basic in-text pool that's for an

above-ground pool more easily to picture. So you got four feet by about 10 feet. That's 40 foot in perimeter. I think that's at least 70,000 dicks in a pool. Is it really?

I was going to guess hundreds of thousands. No, not hundreds of thousands. I would think you need 70,000 dicks. I mean, how many? What's the average dick size here? Well, you got to look at the square inches of a normal cock. So let's say your average American cock is four and a half inches by about 1.7. But that's running hard.

You're running hard here. We're talking soft. The average soft dick, I would say, is no more than three inches. I would say. I'll drop it down to two. Yeah. I mean, between micro penises and my penis and then you have a couple outliers that are a little bit longer. I would say we're in the two to three range.

And so, you know, you lay those out and start making you know row after row eight john ham dicks in there yeah there's very few a couple of justin thoreau's a couple john hams you know that's that's those are the outliers in the situation uh but but and then you're gonna just do a cannonball into those dicks oh i'll do a head first dive i think i think i weighed into it like it's really cold water. I think I just want to get warmed up in it. Start dipping your toe

in the dick pool? But that's the same thing. Once the water gets to your balls when it's cold, you're no longer cold. Once your testicles and dickhead are completely immersed in water, I don't think you have that same issue going in. You go in slowly until you reach that point, and then you're good.

And I know what everyone's thinking. They're thinking this is gay. It's not gay. Don't make it sexual. It's just about comfort. There's nothing gay about swimming in a pool of severed soft dicks. If you're telling me you wouldn't go to a spa that's just a pool full of dicks? It would be incredibly comfortable.

Well, since this isn't sexual and that's not gay, would you swim in a pool full of pussies? Oh, God, no. No way. Stinky. Come out smelling like a bunch of pennies. What about if you had those things that you put on your head if you have a headache and it's like the wires and whatever goes there. One of those, but with dicks on the end. Like the really relaxed shit.

Just a cat and nine dicks just to slap yourself in the face. Yeah. This is your gayest segment ever. Absolutely. This is gayer than sucking or fucking dicks. This is so gay. Maybe there's a live one

that's nice and hard to choke on. Maybe a live one that's coming in my butt. I'll just suck on it until some cream comes out. I love that. Heavens to Betsy. This one... And then it comes all over my face.

This one set me back. This one set our show back. For anybody out there who's like, I had to stop listening to KFC Radio. It's just a bunch of dumb shit about sex and dicks.

And I was always like, no, come on, it's intellectual. This one sent us back. Well, I mean, you kind of fucked us by throwing the I word out there. Set in the bar a little high.

You want to say it's not just dick stuff? Fine. Intellectual, I'm not sure we've reached that topic. Certainly not. Oh my god.

So would you swim in a pool full of dicks? Pabs? I can't swim in the first place. Pabs is like, I drowned. Can you drown in a pool full of dicks? Yeah. You can choke on dicks. Yeah, you can choke death on dicks.

Imagine that. You got so many dicks surrounding your arms, it'd be hard to move. Imagine someone being like, yeah, no, they choked on the dick. And it's like, oh, really? It's like, no, you're thinking. It's not what you're thinking. It's not that joke. It's way weirder.

It's way weirder. Way weirder. He somehow severed 70,000 dicks and then filled a pool with them. You know what we need? We need to find somebody in the porn animation game like the guys who are making those pre-roll ads that i really like you know yeah and we need them to make these things for us like i need someone to make a really realistic human that we need to get like you know because those the thing about those ads are it's so floppy what about you just make those mice that

grow ears they just start growing dicks and then on their backs that would be awesome to watch oh you mean they grow the ear for like human transplants yeah for like cloning or whatever they'll put an ear on the back of it like just have a bunch of rats walking around with cocks on their backs we need to get like like I'm trying to think

like porn stars are selling like oh like male porn stars sell flesh pipes and then we put those in the pool that's a good invention. Like flesh. What? Flesh lights? Yeah. Flesh pipes. That's just a dildo.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, no, that exists. Flesh pipes are better named than dildo. That is. They should call it that. John just had his own personal where you take Uber and they're like, we're going to make a car, but make it longer, so you can do... He just invented buses. Uber.

They should take guys' fucking penises and make them... I'll give you this, though. No, no, no, but here's the thing. I'll tell you the problem with those dildos. They're always the hard penis. We're going to invent soft dildos. Yeah. I will... This is a call to any.

Whiskey dicks is what you could call it. My favorite thing in the world is to look at Jackie's face during these things. She was just scratching her face like, what the fuck? Soft dildos? Why would that? They cared that a microphone wasn't on for this? Really, guys? We're going to cry over the world not hearing this fucking show

man alright so we gotta invent flesh pipes aka soft dicks I will volunteer I'll get my soft dick molded by a professional company

would you do that as long as they promise to make 70,000 of them having your soft penis come out in 3D would be an absolute nightmare I think we should get our soft dicks our soft out in 3D would be an absolute nightmare.

I think we should get our soft dicks 3D printed. I've had this nightmare before. We get our soft dicks 3D printed, and then we put them out there, and people have to guess which one's which. We just put it out as 8D. Well, we still have to take our testosterone test first. We've got to do our low T and high T test, yes. We'll put them out there.

Wait, are you guys going to start doing testosterone? I want in on that i feel like my tea is so low it's gotta be so that was my thought was like i have to have the lowest tea in the history of like functioning males and so we were gonna get tested and have people guess like what our what our tea is uh and then maybe yeah maybe we could get on some testosterone but i think having people guess your flaccid penis is the most like vulnerable thing you can do i think i think i think i have not agreed to that one yet i think i pretty successfully shifted into testosterone

talk seems we found our way back to a topic i didn't want to talk about bro i would helicopter so hard yeah well that's not soft i know i know but i would come out of that chopped up i'll go chopped up well that still counts i don't even know the good i think you guys have to do it in the same exact locale like if you're gonna do it you can't do it separate from each other yeah it's gotta be sure you guys step out at like the pool where kevin mccallister jumps into the water that's a cannonball it's gonna be right there the same room you get in the water get it out of the water get your dick ballsulls i think i think how that would be imagine like uh it's almost like when drake and kanye took the stage right

together and it was like everybody kind of thought that like kanye tricked drake but yeah we're just gonna do new stuff right we're just gonna do stuff then kanye went out there and did his whole catalog i'm gonna i'll i'll tell you we're just doing like straight out of the pool but i'm chubbing that we're gonna come out john's is like two inches and mine's like a solid like four inch little pipe no man that's just me soft i don't know what you're talking about that's just that's just my natural state i i feel like if uh uh if i if i get my soft penis cloned you have to also yeah I guess I guess you're right the problem is now I have experience in trying to clone my willy

and I can't even imagine how it would work soft I still have mine I can't even you know what you almost need to do is put it like on a tray and you sit your dick in it cause you can't put it in like two and then you would have to do the top and bottom you put it in like two. Yeah, it has to be like a jello.

And then it would have to be like, you have to do the top and bottom. Yeah. You'd have to have two. What about if you did like a melting pot style fondue thing full of wax and you just kept like pile driving

like over it and you just kept dipping. Yeah, you just got to dip in and out. And then you could take the wax chunk off and then fill that with rubber and it would be, that's how you basically build the wax chunk off and then fill that with rubber and it would be that's how you basically build the sword that's what we need to forge these we'll build a force forged in fire soft penises on kfc radio jesus christ all fucking mighty chaps goodbye man i

mean always a pleasure always a pleasure see you buddy. See you guys on the timeline. I think, and I'm going to say this, and I'm going to regret saying this. Yes. Very much so. But I was kind of like under the impression, again, that I'm like, oh, I'm smart. Like, I'm not actually gullible. It's kind of like half a bit, whatever. Oh, no, dear. Between the whole like gullible's written up on the ceiling, the fire island thing.

That'll get me every time. Yeah, right? If I can defend you here, that'll get me every time. And then. Or, like, something on my shirt. I always get something on my shirt. You can boot me every time, man. You can boot me.

Give me ten minutes, you can boot me again. It was like somebody put it. When Jackie and Vitalberg are on the same team, everyone's like, yup. I have less recoil for getting booped on a, you got something on your shirt bit, than I do to have sex again. It takes less time for me to recharge. I'll be ready to go for a boop before I'm ready to go to have sex again. All right, so wait, what were you going to say, though? So, this weekend, I thought, I'm furnishing my apartment, right? Alright so wait What were you going to say though So

This weekend I thought I'm furnishing my apartment Right Furnishing What are you talking about You're furnishing your apartment That means you're getting stuff

You're getting stuff I promise you You're not furnishing your apartment No I'm putting You're going to Bob I'm putting Getting a fucking Six in one couch

That has like Cup holders in the fucking No no no no no no no no i well yes but but i have a whole plan i have vases i have pinterest boards it's for furnishing an apartment oh you have like a dream board thing yeah uh do you have an alan key in your hand then you're not furnishing you're just i do no yeah exactly that's what i'm saying wait that's the other thing i want to say if this shit doesn't work out i'm becoming a construction worker i'm so god damn good at construction That is my calling

You are just putting shit together No but I'm so good at it Like my mind just works in ways That's like Oh obviously like this wrench Is gonna go It's just Do you need

Are you looking at the instructions? No Well sometimes If you're not looking at the instructions I actually am I actually Like I don't think I really looked at instructions I'm not like building full

Oh whatever We'll get back to that. Okay. So I was like, I need money to furnish my apartment. Shut up. I'm furnishing the apartment. Did you do something? Did you defile yourself for money?

So then I was like, well, let's just like check out a sugar daddy site, right? It's finally happening. We're going to have an inside mole. So I made a what's it called? Whatever site. Made a profile. Found a sugar daddy.

Wait a second. This is turning. I don't know. This is getting really real. Don't worry. Nothing bad happens. You use a real picture and stuff? Real name? I use the name Addie and I use i use um a i did use a picture which i was like that was dumb i shouldn't have done that so like i had my face and everything but i was like oh it's like addy like no one's gonna find me whatever so then i

jacklyn but no no but here here's the thing this is no judgment though so and nothing bad like i'm not i never agreed to that. No, no, no. I almost exclusively judge on this show. Yeah, yeah, we always judge. Well, then I'm not going to be tight. No, okay, keep going, keep going, keep going. Okay.

I'm not in judgment mode. I'm in, like, dad mode. Because then I was just like, no, because I was like, I'm not going to say anything. I'm just going to see it out. And, like, if I can make, like, just a quick 500 bucks from talking to a guy for a week. We're going to do this. We've got to freeze. Well, that's the thing. It's like, I'll send a picture. a guy for a week. We're going to do this. We got to freeze. Well, that's the thing.

It's like all set in bed. All set in city picture. All set in city picture. Jackie, before you become a sex worker, talk to me in kind of a way. Yes. I'm like the parent who says like, you can drink in my basements.

That way I can control it. If you're going to pimp yourself out, I'll be the pimp. We'll get real money. We'll do this right. I know, but then I was just like, I was just like, this would be like any,

I mean, we'll give you money. No no no no this is not a way to like be like oh can you guys give me more money this was yeah no this is a funny story i wasn't gonna tell anybody i was just gonna get the sugar daddy and like well i was mostly just gonna see if i could just talk and get some money out of that. He said his wife died in COVID. He said your allowance is $500. This is getting so real. Your allowance is what? $500 a week.

And I was like, dope. So then I'm talking to this. What does a week entail though? Just. Like one date or like five days a week? No, no, no. Virtual. All virtual.

I was like, just a virtual relationship. Do you have to talk to him like every night? Just talk to him every night. So for 48 hours, I just chit-chatted. Texting or FaceTime? Texting. FaceTime. Nothing sexual.

Nothing at all. And I was like, he was very. This sounds like a little mentor-mentee thing. I don't know. This is not so bad. Yeah. So then I was like, I could just. Sorry.

Hold on. Once again. I was just like, I could just vibe with this guy. Just vibe. For a little bit And then He ended up Basically it was all a scam

I gave him like a little bit I didn't give him too much information But I gave him like a little bit of information And then he ended up It was obviously What information did you give him? All I gave was like my name So he subscribed or whatever to Addy.

How was he going to scam you? And then you were like, actually, by the way, it's Jackie Nichols. You were right away with it. Then I was like, is Jacqueline A. Nichols? Like all this. He said, what bank are you? Do you bank out? And I said, ****.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, Jack. I didn't give him. I didn't give him. I didn't give him. I didn't give my bacon. I obviously didn't give my bacon, like, whatever. Fucking no way. I'm trying so hard to fucking, you know, mold young minds. Teach them how to be fucking street smart and stuff

and how to live and you gave them the bank and the name. And the way you said that, dude, you put an exclamation point. You're like, Yeah, yeah. He's like, I'm not asking for your routing number. I was like, okay, then what's the problem? And then, so then I ran it by all my friends

and they were like, yeah, it seems fine, but I forget, like, my friends are also idiots. Yeah. I can't keep doing this. Jackie, you've talked to men before, right? No, I know. How many of them, within moments of meeting you, asked where you bank?

Well, because that's like he's going to give me $500 a week. Well, yeah, but that's the thing. That's how they get these people. They're like, I'll send money to your bank account. Yeah. What is it? And also, what's your mom's maiden name and your dog's first name and all that shit?

Because there is going to be, like, money in bank account talk. That's why it's got to all be legit. You've got to set up, like, a burner account and a Venmo account that's only for that. So then I was like, well, I feel more comfortable with Venmo. Can you do that? And he was like, no. And I was like, okay, here's my bank account.

Then my... Yeah, you are. So wait, you gave him your account number? No. Oh, my God. No. So then I was like, this guy doesn't... So then I was like he

like doesn't speak english very well real quick oh he didn't see your account number hooked up to this site that you were trying to get no no no no no no i was just saying he didn't speak english very well i'm i'm really shocked by this so then he was like he was like i'm from georgia born and raised i was like that feels like a red flag because you're not speaking English very well. This is all texting? This is all texting. This is all texting. And then.

Why is Georgia a red flag? Because he was speaking English well. No, it's just like he should be speaking like if he's from Georgia. He's from Georgia, America? I was going to say Georgia is a country that can, you know. No, no, Georgia, America. He was like, I'm a Southern. It was like a whole lot.

We talked like a lot. And I still didn't figure this out like it was crazy he sent me pictures of him and his kids he said his wife died from covid and he was like he's just trying to like be like get just vibes you know whatever and then i still didn't pick up on it and then like looking back on it it was every single red flag possible yeah and then finally he was like could you be so kind to send money to my caretaker like i'll send you five hundred dollars if you could send me like eighteen hundred dollars and then like i'll send it back to you right away and i was like okay okay here we go obviously scam how about now sober drunk this was super sober all weekend yeah yeah but um but the point is like you think that because i got

scammed With a foot picture A while ago That I would've learned My lesson Didn't learn the lesson And I just Was like

Okay We're not that smart We just gotta We just gotta Be like We gotta adjust We gotta game plan We gotta change

We're no longer A running team We gotta We gotta try To attack through the air We're just not smart Acknowledge the problem Right The first step is Acknowledge I know this I don't live and learn i just live and i know this

but it's like that quote a lot i don't live and learn i just live i'll tell you how we're gonna pay for your shit there's a t-shirt that says that's that's what's up um live and learn i just live i like that a lot so i'm working on But yeah. Now are you still an active sugar girl right now? Are you still looking for it? No, I think I'm done. I think I learned my lesson. You learned your lesson. I mean, here's the thing.

I genuinely do not look down on it at all. But then when I hear someone I know doing it, I get scared. I get nervous. The dad in me is like, don't do that. You don't know who you're getting involved with. What if they become a stalker? It's not like, oh, I think you're trashy. I swear to God, if I was a chick,

I would absolutely do it. I guess if I was a chick, I would have all the nerves and shit. If I had a chick with my brain, if I became a chick tomorrow somehow, I would be a whore. A literal whore. I would let everybody fuck me for money is what I'm saying. But for other girls, it's like... I would be more likely to have sex

for money than I would to text you all night. Text five nights a week? Like seven nights a week? That's fucking brutal. How about this, dude? How about you shut the fuck up? I'll come over and suck your dick if you stop texting me. Yeah, we could do this in a matter of three minutes or over the course of like 30 hours a week. I'll just get this done.

But I think, you know, there's such a market for like foot pics or like tit pics that don't include your face and shit that there's ways to do this. But I'm also just like once, like I'm joking about it. And then once she started to say that she was really doing it,

I was like, okay, wait a minute. I was just joking. Here was my thought process was like, I'll get like DMs from like being like, I'll pay for stuff or whatever. But I'm like, that's a little too... I wouldn't do that. That's too close to home.

Nothing Casey Rady. But if it's a 50-year-old man who has a noisy idea of what Barstool is, if he were to out me, I would just out him if he is this whatever. Yeah, but also... Oh, yeah? Well, this guy's wife died of COVID.

Don't you feel like there's maybe a way to do it? I think if you're open about it all, it kind of takes away any of the stigma like if jackie was like i get kfc radio listeners to pay for my shit and i'll tell you about it we'll do a segment on it you won't you won't out anybody's names or anything there are just men who will pay money to girls for affection attention sex whatever it's just a matter of whether you want to do it. And that's, I'm always like rock on, but then I, you know, I get nervous for you. So don't do that.

I just decided I'm just going to be good at my job and I'm just going to do that and then get money that way. There you go. Quit your job and become. No, just like become good at this job. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's trying to make money this way. Cool.

I like that one. Make a t-shirt that says, I don't live and learn, I just learn. I just live. Yeah. And you get money this way. Cool. I like that one. Make a t-shirt that says, I don't live and learn, I just live. And you get money that way. You'll get a merch bonus and that'll be way more than talking to an old guy

with a dead bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he didn't. That wasn't even real. It wasn't even real. Anyway, so that's that. Habs did that the other day, right? I mean, you had your one day

where it was like, I don't even know if it compares to that though. That's that. I was looking at my hat. Yeah. I have a quick question for you, fights. Today, on my way to work, I'm about 10 steps away from the office. And I'm around in the corner. And a guy in a wheelchair with no legs asked me if he could help me cross the street. So obviously I do it. I cross the street. And he goes, can we go one more? So I go one more. And then we went another.

How far? And another. Wait, what? And another. How far? 14 blocks. What? 14 blocks.

14? How did you not lead the show with this? You walked a legless homeless man 14 blocks? And I kept asking, where are we going? I'll just bring you there. He said, we're going to the store. And I was like, what store? He said, the store.

What store, bitch? And then I was just going to keep going. I want to ask you, how many blocks would you go? Wait, so you got to like 28th Street, and then you went to where? And then I don't even know where I went. You were going north or south? I was so flustered and I called somebody. We were going north.

So you went to like 42nd Street. Wait, wait, wait. Was that today when you were already here? Yes. That's why you were gone for that long? That's why I was gone for so long. I went to go get breakfast. I didn't even get breakfast because I got to get back just in case there's something going on.

I didn't even get breakfast because I was on my way. 14 blocks? Dude, I don't even think Feidelberg would do that. And the reason why we stopped is because he just hit the brakes and said, go away. But wait, wait. He can't wheel himself? He could

wheel himself because he obviously got there. So what are you even bringing to the table? He must do that to people all the time. I'm surprised he didn't take you to some back alley and just rob you. Yeah. Because I'd get robbed by a Legolas homeless man. Definitely. Give me your wallet.

I wouldn't even think to rob it. Okay, here you go. Ah, fuck, you got me. Bro, I cannot even fathom doing if that was me as that man opened his mouth to talk to me like I'm 10 feet past him while he's saying the word store

like I am spitting on him as I walk by him. I am kicking him over. I can't believe you guys talk to these people let alone walk a mile with them. You walked like a mile. A mile like a mile. Mile and a half. That is insane, Pads.

Pads is wild because he's- It took you 20 minutes? It took me 20 minutes, yeah. I mean, Nick was in the room the whole time and I just got back right before he got back from the meeting. So you walked like 28 blocks. Yeah. That is genuinely insane. Didn't you also like have a homeless person in your apartment the other day? Oh, yeah.

They didn't end up not being homeless, but I woke up like two Saturdays. In your apartment or in your apartment building? On my couch. On my couch. A homeless person. So basically, I woke up around 6 a.m., and there's just two people that didn't look like they belong there. They didn't speak English. Did your roommates bring them home?

I just let it go for like 20 minutes. What? I let it go, and then I went into each one of my roommates' rooms. I was like, do you guys know these people? I finally get to the last roommate, and he's like, yeah, dude, it's a long story. I brought that girl home. She doesn't speak any English. I was hooking up with her at the bar, and as they got in the cab,

another guy jumped in to stay with her. He's like, they didn't speak any English. Then we get to the apartment, and they both just fell asleep on the couch and then i just went into my room and i was so drunk i was like i'll deal with this in the morning and so then i guys are so lucky you don't get murdered he's like you gotta go you gotta go get him out i can't show my face i'm like why is you me you gotta go get him out bro i go in the bathroom i give myself a little pep talk i'm like you're gonna get him out you're gonna get him out and bro. I go in the bathroom. I give myself a little pep talk. I'm like, you're gonna get him out.

And I go over there. I'm like, hey guys, we're having some people over in like 10 minutes. Vamanos. 10 minutes. 10 minutes. I tried two more times so I finally had to escort them out. Bro,

for future reference, dude, tell us about these things. Yeah. Yeah. I kept forgetting. Yeah. Like, both things. That's like, guys,

I got something to say to start the show. That's like, the show's done. We're not talking about anything else today. We now have the topics for the day. Bro. Oh, when she woke up, she kept screaming ecstasy, too. Oh, you know what man

These are the things too I know that so many people Are listening at home Going like Oh my god New York City's Fucking disgusting But this is why

You live in New York City For shit like this Where it's just like Yeah man You ever wake up With two fucking Colombians on your couch If you haven't

You haven't lived yet man Who start their Saturdays with ecstasy You know they were like You know that was some sort of hustle, right? They were like, he sent his girlfriend over. They're like, go chat up that white boy. And we'll rob him and his friends of their drugs in the morning or something. And they just got too drunk.

Yeah, and they were like, these guys are actually nice. We don't want to slant their throats. We'll go get the guys next door. I don't know. Okay. How about this? What's worse? Which one of these things is worse?

The 14 block escort or the sleeping in your apartment? Escort. I think the sleeping in the apartment. Sleeping in the apartment is like genuinely dangerous. Oh, I think it meant like worse. Well, that's what I mean. Like all things considered, if you had to pick like which scenario, what's it going to be? I mean I've had a lot of strangers sleep in my apartment.

Yeah? Obviously, this is like a little bit weird. I mean, everybody's had strangers. You hook up with someone, you one-night stand them, and you murder them. They slept in my bed. But I've had many a dangerous person, a potentially dangerous person. Also, you'll hear a story in the Joe List interview about probably the worst worst one night stand blackout hookup non hookup scenario ever

it's you can't beat that unless you murdered someone yeah I mean you know that it is weird when you think about the when you think about the difference between how you socially treat people who you are

trying to fuck and who who you are trying to fuck and who you're not trying to fuck. It's insane. Imagine if I just said that. I'd walk a hot, legless, homeless woman who I was trying to fuck. I'd walk her to fucking. I'll pick her up, put her on my back. I'll marry her.

Come on, let's go. But imagine if you were just like, you know, if you're at a bar and some girl who you weren't interested in was like, can I just sleep in your bed tonight? You'd be like, no. Get the fuck out of here. But a girl you're kind of interested in, you'd be like, yeah, let's fucking rock. All right.

Jackie, you first. You said you had some good news. Oh, okay. I. Oh, my God. I've been wanting this since I was a little girl. Right? Oh, God. I've prayed for this. I was a little girl. Right? I have prayed for this.

I have manned this. Jackie's so excited about Roe v. Wade. It's all she's been talking about. Not that. Not that. I don't know how this happened, I have a Oh wait what's it called Jesus Christ I'm on the edge of my fucking seat

I know what's it called Are you fucking kidding me Shut the fuck up This is not happening Oh I'm getting a call from them right now Answer and ask them what they are What they do Answer Wait this might be a spam Hello Oh, answer it. Ask them what they are and what they do. Flip the camera. Oh. Answer.

Wait, this might be a spam. Hello? No, that was extended warranty. Jackie! Tell us the good news! Wait, what's it called? Oh, God! I'm sorry.

I'm fucking this up. Welcome. It's a, um... It's a... Damn. I've never seen someone choke like this before in my entire life. No. It's not deconstructed.

It's when your nose is whatever. Deviated septum. Deviated septum. Exactly. I have a deviated septum. Wait, you wanted a deviated septum? I wanted a deviated septum. I prayed that I got punched in the face.

And now I get a free nose job. And I have to have it. And it's getting done in like two months. This is all for a deviated septum? Yeah. Jackie, never in a million years did I think you... I thought you would have said Roe v. Wade before you said a deviated septum. Deviated septum?

You don't understand. This is something that I was like, there's no way for me to manifest. Also, I want to say. There's a way to manifest quite easily. No, I was like, okay. It would have been your number one. Well, it's also kind of fucked up because I was like, I've always wanted one. Is this why you always wanted people to offer you cocaine?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. But I've always wanted one. And then I finally came to the conclusion. I was like, no, you know what? I'm just going to go to therapy. And I'll just work on myself. And then I was like, the world, I'll just figure it out myself.

And then apparently the world was like, no, you need a nose job. I was like, okay, I guess I'm getting a nose job. You're the fucking best we're releasing a best of next week and this is going that was I'm like embarrassed

to do this show now that was amazing yeah that was incredible congratulations to you thank you I don't think you need a nose job

but I think whatever you need to make you feel happy thank you and congratulations I'm very happy for you I'm very happy for me, too. Are you going to slow down adding shit to the face, though?

Because you're on a slippery slope. Oh, baby, we're just getting started. The next is full talks. Full talks? Yeah. But that's temporary. I feel like everyone does Botox. That's just normal shit to do.

I don't know. So we're just going to start feel like everyone does Botox. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just normal shit to do. Yeah. I don't know. So we're just going to start from there and we're going to see where it takes us. So maybe I'll get more. But yeah. My goal is to look like a fish. But yeah, that's really good news.

I feel like this is a lot more exciting for me than it is for you guys. Honestly, no. If you just told me, I have a deviated septum, I'm getting a nose job, that would have been... I would have said, congratulations. Yep. Great for you guys. Honestly, no. If you just told me I have a deviated septum, I'm getting a no job, that would have been, I would have said,

congratulations, great for you. The way in which you just told us that is, I could not be happier. I can't wait for a no job. I couldn't have guessed.

I thought maybe you got a sugar daddy. I don't know what you were calling. What was that? Nothing. Well, that doesn't seem like nothing.

That's for later. It's for later? I'm not supposed to talk about it. It's a developing story. It's a developing story. Your sugar daddy is a developing story. No, it's not sugar daddy. It's a Fandom situation.

I used to be the host of this show. Sucks. But you have to admit when you're not anymore. Jackie? I know. Now I can't take it back. This always happens. A mic is in front of me and I just word vomit.

Yeah, that's why you're the best. He said not to talk about this as for content. But it's too late. Sorry. He's a KC Radio fan? I don't know. So he won't hear it then. No, he won't. That's added late. Sorry. He's a KFC Radio fan? No, I don't know. So he won't hear it then. No, he doesn't.

That's added to the mic. How much of this stuff do you edit out? Well, because I say stuff. I double check this stuff. I say everything with it in mind that I'm going to edit it out, and then I just never do. All right. It's when we tell you...

No, make that the title. This anonymous KFC radio fan. Oh, this anonymous fan who's not... This anonymous person who's not a fan of KFC radio. Never heard of it. What is the Fendom deal? Well, so it's not really, like... So they just found my Venmo,

and he just, like, started sending money. Oh, it's this guy. But then... Then I was like Started sending money Oh It's this guy But then Then I was like Alright What's up Cause then he like Started sending more money

How much money was that I've made Up to a thousand Right now A thousand bones Jesus Christ You fucking dirty I had to kind of work for it

A little bit I will say that Like I What do you mean you had to work for it Like I I have had to not like, I've just had to text him as if

I am a Findahl. Kind of. Take your phone out. I've got the receipts, don't worry. I've got the receipts. Pass. You added me about how much I jerk off. I'm adding here right now.

From Jackie. Wait, wait, wait. Let me just. Yep. From Jackie. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You're so pathetic. He answers, it really makes me so hard when you talk like that.

From Jackie. I bet you cum so fast when I say that to you. Ha, ha. How are you this perfect? Can I cum goddess or should I wait for your pick don't fucking come right now? I'm gonna fucking kill you Oh my god Fuck off Fuck off Jackie Oh my god

Alright No more No more And how long How long have you done this How long do those conversations go on Well now it's like I really like It's starting to hit a point where i'm like okay i can't do this like i don't know how to do this like it's making me uncomfortable a thousand dollars i know

i had a fit dog who once paid me like 25 no i mean we we i it's been like four days no not four days like a week now but i've like really stopped he wants me to like send a video and I'm like that's like a video of you talking of me just being like your sympathetic

like all this face in it face in it I occasionally have to send like a picture yeah wait you send a picture

flipping him off yeah but like I don't have like a good like good nails or middle finger so it's like it's just like

I don't like sending those anyways um just again judgment free zone again i don't think anybody ever agreed to that but um but i've i've i mean this is like the first real non-scam money. So it's great just for once. Your job is the first real one. I think that was the first one. Dude, my life is a fucking joke. Like what? Meanwhile, I did a puzzle this weekend. I'm mad because somebody else finished it.

I did not want that to come out. I don't know how that just happened. I've said it to you in private before. I think maybe I've said it on the show where I've come to accept the fact that one day you'll be our boss. And every day, every episode, I'm like, it's even sooner than I think it's going to be. This is just your fucking show now. No, I'm going to run myself into the ground so fucking fast. This ad, which I also don't know how you got into, is brought to you by SiriusXM.

Listen to the SiriusXM app at home or anywhere you are. No car required. That's something most people don't know, including the guy reading this ad. You can stream it on your phone, online, or at home. Over 425 channels are on the SiriusXM app. Enjoy ad-free music channels for every genre and artist dedicated channels um i listen to in my dad's car but you don't have to be in a car you can listen anywhere i'm a 90s on nine guy i think 90s were the peak of pop music

i think it's i didn't think i think all pop music is great But 90s on 9 is absolute fire. Coffeehouse, also dope. Springsteen, sneaky fucking fire. But, I don't know. It says tell listeners where you listen to SiriusXM app the most. I just told you. It's in the car. My dad's car.

Because I don't have a car. Subscribe now and get your first three months for free. For free of the SiriusXM app. Visit SiriusXM.com slash KFC Radio offer to sign up. Again, that's SiriusXM.com slash KFC Radio offer. You said that you're not doing anything crazy, but you've had Adriana Cechik on before, right? Yeah, she was my first drop. Which is an insane first drop.

That's like having Kanye on your first album right if you're putting out a sec a video a sex video podcast and and chetchik is your first guest it's like it's like yeah we're doing a basketball podcast here's michael jordan but but we thought we talked about a lot with with her she has like one tweet from fairly recently where it's like her neck was broken yeah and she's like it's from pile driver and she's like but i'm not gonna stop doing it yeah it was crazy she's like yeah my doctors just keep begging me to stop doing all of these i heard that and then i see her tweets and then if you know i'm on pornhub and you see like the thumbnail of her like latest video and she's just bent in half it's like yep nope girl ain't stopping so i asked did you do that with her? We didn't do the pile driver thing, but we had previously hooked up with her where, what,

you were at a bowling alley with her, and then she comes home with her, and they're drunk, and literally, I'm on the couch smoking a blunt watching a fucking poker video on YouTube, and they bust in the door and just attacking me. It was insane. You were watching. I'm not kidding. You were watching poker. Oh, it was insane poor Adam you were watching I'm not kidding you were watching poker oh it's so hard for you

I just wanted to chill I do know what you mean but you know I 1000% know what you mean she literally was like on the floor on her knees like please

fuck us right now now that I don't know there are times when I want to chill it's not it's not when that's happening and she's the squirt god right

and so we're on our fucking couch No there was no tarp it was just pure A tidal wave of squirt Just blasting all over us We no longer have that couch You know that's like the mark Like oh

That's the mark of good sex You gotta throw out your couch Is that why So you're obviously in your real house now But I remember last time we interviewed you You were talking about you had like a porn house too but that was just because you were coming from the bowling alley you were not in the porn house that was just yeah that was just real sex like me and her were just doing like a girlfriend's night and it was like kind of like well should we go have sex now you know we that's what happened yeah totally

you know and how often would something like that happen back then when i was actually going out a lot more pretty often i feel like that's the first time we fucked riley does something like that happen? Back then when I was actually going out a lot more, pretty often. I feel like that's the first time we fucked Riley. It was like that. We were like all out drinking. We were like, let's go have sex. She also squirted in our bed.

I remember we had one beautiful moment where she had two porn star homegirls who were hanging out at the house. We're sitting around smoking weed. She doesn't smoke weed, but we're all just hanging out. And then she's walking them to the elevator in our old apartment building.

And as they're getting to the fucking elevator door, one of the girls just says, like, by the way, your boyfriend's hot. I would really like to suck his dick sometime. Yeah, she was like, yeah, we didn't suck his dick, though. And I was like, oh, do you want to come back? Like, why are you leaving? So they leave and they come back two minutes later and they all just go to town on me. And I'm just like, how the fuck did I get to the point where, like, it's just like she just wants to express her love of giving head on me i felt like i was just like an avatar there yeah man you're just the dick yeah you're a piece

of meat dude they're objectifying you is what they're doing yeah that was pretty cool yeah wow that's fucking nuts man not that any of it's surprising if you follow you too it's like i know that's what your life is but just hearing that era of our life kind of feels like well yeah so now you have a baby right congratulations but now everything is more scheduled yeah exactly i feel like normally if you hear about a couple who needs like schedule their sex it's because their love life is falling apart and it's like a bad thing it's like you're gonna go have some lame ass like two minute missionary because it's wednesday at eight o'clock and it says so. When you guys schedule it, it's a little different.

It's probably because you're like coordinating with porn stars. I feel like your scheduled sex is a tiny bit different than the average couple. Yeah, it's like a five hour block once a week. We're doing two scenes and we're going to pay for it. You do a five hour block? I prefer to do two or three scenes in a row so I could just get through it. You're a fucking Superman over here, huh? Yeah.

I don't know. I feel like I'm better on the third nut. Well, yeah. I mean, you find your rhythm. Go longer, yeah. Yeah. For you, are you all naturally doing PEDs? No, I don't do anything.

Wow. But knowing what I know now, I would have been beating off every time before I went to hang out with a girl or go on a date my entire life because you really want to go into that situation with a clean tank. Bro, who were you hanging out with who didn't tell you that yeah that's kind of a thing pretty young also no I don't think I would have gone I wouldn't have gone on any of the dates if I turned off I want to stay oh I watch it that's a slippery slope I brought up that issue as well yeah there I go so the nut inside you is the motivation to go do things and have sex and get it up and perform and all that. You lose that.

It is a fine line. You're running on fumes. It takes on a different life of its own. How old are you now? 38. Yeah, I'm 37. I mean, three in a row for five hours. Good for you, dog.

I'm impressed. And then I go home and she makes me bang her. I don't make you do anything, but I do feel abusive when we end up having sex and I know it's like your fourth nut of the day but I heard from a master porn star I heard from a master porn star

that the more hard you spend your life like the more boners you get and the more you have a boner the bigger your dick will be at any given moment because you're stretching

out the capillaries which I don't even know what that is but the capillaries somehow expand and I look down at my dick like on a week where we the fuckload, and I'm like, that thing is hanging long. Wait, wait, wait. It's hanging long.

Yeah, let's fix the nose on this. Spreading misinformation over here. Look up capillaries. I was writing, stay hard. I'm alert in that way. If someone was telling me, I've always wanted to be tailed telling me I always wanted to be tailed I always wanted to be tailed I want to try to lose a tail

you get on the bus and then you switch to the other bus I was in a high speed chase a couple times in my life what? a couple times? yeah a couple times

one was a real one but then one was like are you driving? are you a criminal Sam? yeah one was like a stupid college thing but the other one was I used to play this game called street Wars have you heard of it guys okay they

might still do it they take it it's basically you ever play here the game like assassin yes because I really didn't but the point is if you heard of it it's just it's just a water gun game that takes place over three weeks in New York City it's been going on for like a decade it got so popular popular, they've taken it to like London and San Francisco and other cities. And what happens is it's the most brilliant thing you've ever heard. So what happens is you pay like a few bucks and you join that game, right? And so they'll take like 300 people and everyone becomes an agent. And you don't know this, but you get a person that you have to tail.

And there's a person tailing you at all times over these three weeks and you carry 24-7? 24-7 what? you carry a water gun

or any type of water gun you want anything you could have a big one a small one anything right and you basically

what happens is you get this one day you get an address to go to out of nowhere after you sign up you go to this address

and it's like a street corner and there's someone standing there and they like hey come here come with me and they take you and then they walk you to somebody else they walk you to somebody else it's like a movie and then finally someone takes you into a building like an abandoned building and you go like up and like up steps and it's completely pitch black and there's a guy in the shadows and you walk up to him and he and it's like all whiskeys and he's like have a shot of whiskey whatever so you have a shot and you sit down and there's lights on you so you can't see him and he's like the mastermind of it you did this i did this for years every year right yeah and he hands me a dossier and and and you know he asked me a

couple questions and i leave and they schedule appointments for every player over like the week and i leave i open it up and in it i have a dossier on a person i've never met that lives within the five boroughs that i had to assassinate via water yeah in those three weeks is there real information like where they live it's where they live were you already famous during this what's that were you already famous um it was it was the very very very beginning or right before it and then maybe i did a little bit right after it. So I wasn't really too well-known. But it was like – I think it was before and then – but anyway, then I have this person.

It's where they live, all their stats, where they work, what their routes they take, everything, right? And their pictures. And so I had to carve out time in my day to tail this person. Are you still doing your job in your everyday life or do people just dedicate themselves? So there's some rules. It's like it's a square block of the address of your job. The sidewalk is a safety zone. Public transportation, bus stops and subways are a safety zone.

And the square block – oh, no, not your home because I got shot right in front of my house. So you can still go to work and not get shot because you're like, I'm not playing the game right now because I got to go to work. No, you could get shot the second you are not on the sidewalk of the address of your job. Got it. Right, right, right. And they can go to where you hang out. And then they also hold a mixer at a bar in Brooklyn once a week where any agent can go and drink. And you might run into the person you're looking for there or might not.

You might get tailed. You might not. So they stir up the attention. And so what happens is you have to figure out how to tail this person. And then you have to hit them with the water gun and it's you know it's it's a honor system but you know and then if you do they're carrying their dossier they have to give you theirs and you get your next person to kill you have to kill at least once a one person a week for three weeks to get to the finals so if there's 200 people and there's only 40 people left in the finals because they didn't

kill as many people you get into the finals and then everyone in the last fourth week the last like 20 30 people whatever just they hunt the creator of the game whoever kills the creator of the game first wins but I gotta tell you something you have to understand you have to understand the feeling you get then once the game begins

it's 24 7 you leave your house and you feel even if you're not being tailed you feel like you're being tailed by everyone i've had that sensation yeah looking around me at all times wondering where it's coming from what angles what not and and i and one time i was tailing a guy and he got off one of those boat parties up on like 23rd and the and like the uh the east side yeah and it docked i knew he was going to be there and he got got in his girlfriend's car or something, and I started following him on the FDR. And then they noticed.

I followed him all the way up to Yonkers. And then once they got off, they noticed I was telling them in Yonkers. And they just took off in the streets high speed. Probably real dangerous. I can't believe this is allowed. You can have teammates. So you can have up to five teammates. But if one teammate gets shot, the whole team goes down.

So while you have more manpower, there's more exposure, right? It's crazy, this whole game. And so high speed chase. And then finally he – I mean he tucked and rolled out of a car and ran into a house and closed the door, right? And so we circled, parked far away, then got out on foot. And we like army crawled up this block. And there was like an old guy outside, washed his car and a couple of kids. And we watched.

We just were waiting. He's like, he has to come out at some time. Dude, it was nightfall. I was telling this guy for like nine hours. And then all of a sudden, my friend goes, he ran out the back. He jumped out the back window, went in the backyard, hopped over like a huge like cement wall. And then his car picked him up, and we tailed him all the way back into Brooklyn, where he went again.

So then we lost him again, and then I got a tip. I got a hot tip, because they do all this stuff, too. There's informants and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a tip that he'd be in the Fort Greene area. So I went on foot. It was like, at this point, it was like midnight. I would tail the guy for like two hours.

I swear to God. It was when I didn't really have a job. Any life at all? You didn't have a safe zone? And I tell this guy and on foot, I like, in hindsight, it's probably very dangerous. I was thinking. I'm like holding a gun, like a border gun in my pocket. I'm like walking with a hood on.

I mean, definitely don't like, maybe don't do it. But I saw him on foot. I chased him in Fort Greene Park at, like, midnight after, like, an eight-hour chase, and he ran, and he jumped off, like, because in Fort Greene Park, it's, like, elevated. Like, the grass is, like, up and on from the sidewalk, and he jumped, and he, like, fell, and he rolled, and I just ran. I jumped, and I just shot him, like, in midair. It looked like something out of a movie.

What? You got him, though? I got him, and then I made it to the finals and I never killed the creator but I almost got there but then at the end of it all they throw a party for every person involved

and you go and the whole board is up with all your identities to see the circle of who was supposed to get who and you meet the people in real life

and you have this big and then they give an award ceremony for like greatest kill most kills all that stuff like that. Is there like a money prize or anything? Shout out to my my buddy Franz who created it is it a prize or just like yeah they give you like no they'll give you like they give you money yeah but then they're

dicks about it too like I think they'll win the prize money was like something like a thousand bucks and they brought in all pennies or something like that golden pistol I won like best kill story because I tailed him eight hours. They gave me one of those like huge bottles of Jack. That's sick. It's kind of cool. Bro, that is unbelievable. I do – I mean I run around the streets of New York pulling out guns right now.

That might not be a good idea. But I don't know. Have you seen like a green gun or something like that? It's not a good idea. But like we had – the guns are like orange and green and stuff like that. Other than that, like, I mean, that sounds, I mean,

I would be terrible at it if I lose right away. You're allowed to use an umbrella as a shield. That's the only thing you're allowed to use. Someone could also throw a water balloon.

Like, people would, that's how we killed people too. We would kill people. But we stood up on top of a building and when they walked out, we just dropped the, like, just bombed them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll see people break out in the streets with, like, umbrellas shooting guns at each other like it'll just break out and you're like

oh that's street wars they're playing street wars I am such a nerd for this I fucking love this I think I have way too much anxiety oh I don't think I could I don't think I would do it

or be good at it but I want to like watch it I would watch a reality show of this you should put it on true TV I swear to god

I swear to god you should produce that and I get 50% no that is not a bad idea that's a fucking good idea 50% is absurd I think you know it's absurd 25

25 it's not absurd it's still a bad idea and you can pay me in pennies I swear to God wouldn't that be fun we thought about it it's just

I think it's a really it takes a lot of manpower to cover that kind of thing it would have to be like 10 instead of 300 or whatever but it's not a bad idea to revisit notice same way that notice i said revisit yeah if you had you know the same way people become like a fan of this guy on survivor or this girl on big

brother like there would be fans of these people yeah and they would love to i mean watch them in their element and like so so were you trying were you like thinking of things that happen in the movies and shit like all right i gotta i gotta like every movie trope that you trying, were you like thinking of things that happened in the movies and shit? Like, all right, I got to like. Every movie trope that you've seen, like you said, you have anxiety. If you have anxiety, I do too. If you have anxiety, it's probably not good for you. I can't get it. You feel it for real.

Every like tense scene in a movie, it feels like you were in it. Like you're walking down the block. You're just looking over your shoulder. And by the way, everybody seems suspicious when you think someone's trying to get you. So do you know how many times I like shot someone a look or said something

or even like- Have you ever- Yeah, like threw my water gun on someone that had nothing to do with it. You know what I mean? Oh, man. I can't even imagine like,

I can't get a text from someone that just says hi. Because I'm like, what the fuck? What do you mean? What do you mean? what do you mean hi I get too much anxiety like what's going to happen next so walking around

with like unknown what comes next would destroy me so I ask can you commit suicide in the game can you I don't know I gave it a shot I gave it two days this is not me my guy's taking

too long to find me just a water pistol to the head I guess if you record it and you get like I mean this is more yeah it's like

just squirt yourself and trip down you're like oh I were are there like family men and women doing this like

or is it like mostly single guys who are like no guys and girls, guys and girls. The thought of a middle-aged guy kisses his two kids goodbye, grabs his lunch from his wife and puts his pistol in his pocket.

Gotta go, kids. He walks out of the suburban streets. You do. You feel like John Wick. It was guys, girls. It was a lot of people that were creative types or that worked in the bar scenes. At the time, I worked in a bar. So I bartended for like eight, nine years.

So a lot of service industry people, they all connect. So a lot of bars would be like, when they let out, they come to my bar, I go to their bar. And there's this whole kind of like... Do you ever have like a public bar kill? Like your...

Hell yeah, bro. Yeah? I threw... I used to throw these theme parties at my place. The most popular one I threw, we did it like seven years in a row, was like prom night 1984. So I would gear up. I would go all in for this thing. People would have to ask people to prom.

You'd have to wear a tuxedo. We had the camera people there to take the prom photos. We would have a pregame where I would hire a limo. So the limo would make rounds to pick everybody up. We'd have to punch. And then they'd pick them up and then drop them to the bar where the prom was happening. We really went in deep. And I would decorate the place.

You couldn't even. It was like thousands of balloons every year. And it grew bigger and bigger. the paper used to write about it and so one time right in the thick of the middle of of street wars i did it and i invited every assassin to it and it was a shit show people were getting shot all over the place right yeah well that's when i got the that's when we dropped the balloons off the roof i was on the roof of my bar like i was like i've never been up here before sometimes you ever catch yourself in a moment. It's like 2 in the morning.

I'm in an 80s tuxedo on the roof of a building holding a water balloon and be like, this guy doesn't know what's happening. What is my life? So you left Friday. You have children and shit. So you left Nashville on Friday. I stayed.

I went to Shane's show Friday night. It was at 7. I went down to Broadway for a little bit. And then came home probably around 2. And then was like kind of like, I was going to nap and I was like, ah, I'll get up groggy and shit like that. So like, ah, maybe this is a little closer to 3 or 4. And

I was like, fuck it. I gotta keep moving. Otherwise I'll get tired and fall asleep. And you know, I probably only had three beers, but three beers in the sun. Guess what? You're it. I got to keep moving. Otherwise, I'll get tired and fall asleep. I probably only had three beers, but three beers in the sun, guess what? You're done. I'm out. So I was like, I'll go across the street. Because we had no alcohol in the house.

That's a testament to us. Wait, you mean across the street? To? To Deja Vu. To the strip club. We were across the street. We were across the street? To? To Deja Vu. To the strip club. We were across the street. We were across the street from every strip club. Two testaments to us.

One, we just didn't have beers in the house. Yeah. So, like, that's, which also is funny, congratulate ourselves on a fucking two men in their mid-30s treating a business trip like a business trip. We didn't have any beers, but we had a shit ton of Whistlepig.

That was in the other house. Yeah, that's true. Occasionally, we drank something. But even in there, we behaved pretty well. Yeah. And then we also never went to any of the strip clubs around us.

But Friday around, I'm losing track of time, but it was like 4 o'clock, say. And by the time I, I probably got home around 2.30, by 4 o'clock, I was like, I got to get... Either way, you're doing the afternoon squad.

Afternoon squad. Right? So I went into BYOB spot. Big Science is BYOB. So I'm like, they got to have beers there, though. You can bring your own beers, but you got to have... They probably have beers, too. So I go in, pay the cover, fucking walk in.

I mean, I don't think it was open yet. I don't think it was open. They were mopping the floor. It wasn't a soul. I mean, I don't think it was open yet. I don't think it was open. It was like mopping the floor. It wasn't a soul. You walk in immediately at Deja Vu, you can see two stages. No one on either stage. No one sitting down anywhere.

No bartender. No nothing. So I go back out. I ask the guy, hey, do you guys sell beers here? He's like, nah, man. B-Y-O-B. I was like, okay.

I'm not here for the fucking hooch. I was like, okay, well, I'm only here, I'm not here for the fucking hooch. I am here for the hooch, not the real hooch, not that hooch. So I was like, alright, well, I'm gonna, I'll fuck it. I was not gonna do this. So I went looking for a bar. Only bar around play. Remember seeing play?

Yeah. It was like the club. Yeah, it's a gay club. For the boys. Yeah, club for the boys. Went into It was like the club Yeah it was a gay club For the boys Yeah club for the boys Went into the gay club Also closed But also a door open So now I'm like

I'm in I'm in the middle of play Which like Is just fucking It was like one of those Like warehouse clubs Yeah Big

Just huge emptiness Yeah And I just kind of stood there That absolutely was not open But it was It was physically open It was not business wise open No I stood in the door for like I don't know Three minutes Just kind of stood there at the door. That absolutely was not open. But it was. It was physically open. It was not business-wise open. No.

But I stood in the door for like, I don't know, three minutes. Just kind of like waiting for someone to come out. I don't know, suck my dick. I was going to say, someone stood there being like, some straight piece of shit's lost. And I was just like, okay. Finally, I was like, fuck it. So I walk out. And then I was like, oh, yeah, there's that liquor store right here.

So there was that liquor store. I forget what it was called. I go walk to the liquor store, get a six-pack of beer. I was like, fuck it. I'll go back to the strip club. So I go to the strip club, and I sit down. Not open still, but now there are – I mean, it's open, but there's just no one dancing. Now a stripper comes up to me.

There's like – Is music on? Good question. Like elevator music, not stripper comes up to me. There's like... Is music on? Good question. Like elevator music, not stripper music? It wasn't rocking, that's for sure. I don't really recall. But so I get cash out of the ATM. And then a stripper, like, I swear to God,

she popped up out of the trash like Oscar. She's like, Dusty, you want to go rap to the VIP room? She's in a sweatshirt, by the way. I was like, oh, no, no. I was just going to hang out and watch some dance and have a beer. She's like, all right, honey. And then walked out a door that I didn't know was there. She probably was thinking, I can suck this guy's dick real quick,

get a bunch of money before I even have to start dancing. He's clearly desperate. Let's just get this over with. So then I go into the main room. Actually, I'm sorry. So in the room where the ATM was, there's a stage, and then there's a screen. And her name was like Charlie or something like that,

C-H-A-R-L-I, something like that. Yeah, of course. And it was kind of like, Charlie's coming to the stage in two minutes. I sit down, pop a beer. Drink the beer. Kind of just lose track, fucking around my phone, like lose track of pop a beer. Drink the beer. Kind of just lose track, fucking around my phone, like, lose track of time.

Whatever. Finish the beer. Look up. The clock was counting down. Charlie's back to two minutes, 17 seconds. I just keep resetting. And I was like, what the fuck is going on here? So I grab my beers, head back down to the main room. It's like three steps down.

Now there's like six strippers in there. But they're all sitting on the chairs. No one's on the stage. So I kind of sit down. This is fascinating. Very reservedly, like, what's happening here? And one girl just comes up to me. She says, had a baby six months ago, can you tell?

And I was like, now that you mention it. Wouldn't lead with that. Yeah, I was like, hmm. I didn't think so. And she sits down at my table. And I was like, what's happening right now? What am I in? Yeah.

And she's like, well, honey, we don't really start dancing until about 7. And they're all in their underwear. They're all, like, ready. They're there, but they're not going. It's like fucking showing up. Well, yeah. Why would they go on stage and start doing all the tricks for just you? It's like 4 o'clock. Why are you all in your underwear? It's like showing up to a fucking baseball up. Well, yeah. Why would they go on stage and start doing all the tricks for just you? It's like four o'clock,

but why are you all in your underwear? It's like showing up to a fucking baseball game at 3 p.m. Yeah. Put on your uniform just sitting there.

But when your uniform... You're super duper early. When your uniform is fucking kind of awesome. But you're also... You know, you like wearing women's underwear.

Yeah. They probably do, too. Time or two. They probably do, too too But she then asks me Honey what are you doing tomorrow And I said I'm actually leaving tomorrow I'm leaving at 11am tomorrow I have a flight out

She goes that's a shame I said what are you doing tomorrow She said well Tomorrow here at the Deja Vu We're having the cutest butthole contest. And I came close to changing my mind. I can't believe you didn't go. I've never heard of such a thing.

And she said, and I do, I must admit to you, I will not be participating in the cutest butthole contest. Oh, because you got a shitty butthole? What happened to her recently? Well, she was performing, and she had a butt plug in. One of them light up ones. Oh, so this place is like hardcore. Yeah, yeah. This place is like a grimy.

This is not just like shake your tits. This is like, let me pop butt plugs out. She's like, I had one of them light up butt plugs, which I do not know of. I don't know about the light up butt plugs. So I had one of them light up butt plugs in and one of them vibrating butt plugs, and I lost the remote. And for a half hour, it took a half hour for security to find it. And she's like –

What does that mean? The customer had it, and he was ramping it up why wouldn't you take it out dude why wouldn't you take it out i i'm gonna be honest i don't believe the story yeah because like i was like i don't believe it because security wouldn't find it yeah it wasn't using like a clicker where like something's fucking in the way the tv like you keep it in your pocket and you'd just hit shit. No one would ever fucking find it. She was like, and I just have

the sorest butthole for months. Then, yeah, it came to me that maybe that has to do with the fucking baby you birthed rather than, they come out of your butt. It all gets ripped up. We know that, man. It might have to do with the butt plug you put in a few months ago like it might have to do anything with the butt plug

you put in a few months ago right it might have to do with the baby that came out it's not what's going in it's coming out jesus christ but i mean cutest butthole like what happens at a cutest butthole contest like i didn't i can take some guesses i'm sure cheeks get spread i bet they do i'm sure there's some spreading and some winking does the customer get to go up and look I'm sure there's a a panel I feel like she might have mentioned something like that I think there's a panel of like all star guests

meaning like this is Tony he comes I want to say exactly what she said it was cutest or prettiest butthole can we google this cutest butthole. Can we Google this? Cutest butthole contest. Cutest butthole in Carolina. No. In Nashville.

And we'll see if there's, you know, they might not go on the record with these things. Yeah. It's not really supposed to be what you're doing, I don't think. But just fucking, I don't know. There's got to be like people just sitting there and then maybe they do a dance and. Yeah, we got something?

Yeah. You got a mic? I'm telling it's a mic. Club Deja Vu in Nashville, Tennessee. We're having this prettiest butthole competition, and I don't even know how to take that. Like, the grand prize is 500 bucks, so I can see why people are all about it, but...

Out of all the other shit you could have a competition for, you mean to tell me people really want to see buttholes? Uh, yeah. Who's the judge? Mm-hmm. Who says you have to... Oh, it's every Saturday night. Oh, so it's... Okay. Okay, now this changes everything.

Like once a year? Bro, what's this fucking dude about? This guy, what are you, fucking pussy bro? What everybody wants... You want to see some fucking buttholes? What everybody wants to see... Is a butthole. Is that asshole.

That's like... What are you talking about, Chulo? Yeah, like, I mean, like... That's his name, by the way. Who wants to say that? That was his... That was not a... That was his...

Put that in the YouTube. I think... Saturday night, keep your butthole tight. That's right. This is an event in Nashville. Shout out to Nashville for throwing the prettiest butthole competition.

Apparently, it's a big deal. People in Nashville sent me this. I can't believe you didn't lead with this, John. I was going to. We just got other stuff out of the way. I mean, this is great business acumen right here. What does everybody want to see? Butthole.

What do they watch porn for? Butthole. What am people but they have like like tits are old news cheeks are all right but it's in between that people want and so give them what they fucking want now the problem here though the reason i'm out on this i thought it was like a once a year thing where it was a massive event where and like people flying in for it like no face girls coming in there and taking home the crown every saturday means every fucking every chick with an asshole just comes by and spreads them hoping that she wins 500 bucks so you're gonna see a bunch of uglies hopefully you get me sick this week and i fucking take the crown how good was that dude there's a club a club manager. It's my favorite story.

So there's a club manager. Me and him were hanging out. We were drinking after a show. And then he was like, some comics come through and try to have sex with me. I was like, wait, what? I was like, who? He's like, I'm not telling you. So I remember he said that.

So then he and I were driving to Austin, Texas the next day. And we're in the car. And I was like, dude, I'm going to fucking suck your dick. And he was like, don't fuck with me. He was serious he was like don't you did not again no I promised myself I wouldn't he was like dude don't fuck around with that it was like it was me and him we just met we're in the car we got another like hour and a half this guy was furious and then another time me and him are hanging out. It's me, him, and another comic. So then I go to bed, and him and that other comic stayed out. At like 3 in the morning, I get a text.

And I don't know how I get to say the comic's name, but he was like, so-and-so, that fucking faggot tried to fuck me. I got that text. I was like, dude, no one's trying to fuck you. Stop. The guy was probably being friendly. He was like, fucking piece of shit. Everyone's trying to fuck me Wow

Imagine just going through life Convinced that everybody And anybody Is trying to fuck you At any moment Anybody being nice to you You're like Fuck off

How old was that guy? He was young But I don't know I can't tell if he was joking Because he was funny He was like a cool guy But he did spaz. I don't know.

It reminded me of one time at football. That time I farted. I was in an offensive line camp. It was me and another. We were in a college dorm and I farted. And the guy was like, we're not doing that. We don't do that. I was like, wait, are you serious?

We're in a football locker. What? We're offensive linemen. That's what we do. We fart and block. That's our lives. I think this guy, he hit me with the same energy. I was like, I'd like to suck your dick.

And he's like, no, don't fucking say that. We don't do that in here. I wish I had that in me, though. What, to get mad? Just be like my dad with gay stuff. Like, no, what the fuck are you doing? He doesn't fuck around. Come on.

If you were to soft touch my dad's nipple, he'd fight you. I'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah, we don't do that. Some guy, like there was a chain text. My dad and all of his friends do construction. touch my dad's nipple he'd fight you i'd be like what the fuck we don't do that someone some guy like there's a chain text and my dad my dad and all of his friends do construction and there was like they have like you know like the messages they get and somebody in a chain text send them a picture of his sent a picture of his balls and my dad called the company it was like you got some guy down there he's trying to fuck i don't know what he's trying to do funny business funny business

no funny stuff i don't know if he's trying to fuck guys, if he's weird like that, but he sent me a picture of his balls. Yeah, it went out to everyone as a joke, and he couldn't, he was like, what's the joke? That's his balls, that's gay. I think we might be the first gay generation. Yeah, for sure. Of like bros that are like grabbing each other's dicks. Yeah, it's fine to be gay. It's a cycle, it's a cycle.

It's the late Roman Empire. At least for the young people. It's the late Roman gay. It's a cycle. It's a cycle. It's the late Roman Empire. At least for the, yeah, right. It's the late Roman Empire. Laughing and wrestling. Yeah, we used to say that, like, the Greeks. The Greeks were fucking. Everybody. The Greeks were, it was straighter to be gay.

The Greeks invented butt sex. Yeah. It was like, I'm going to fucking tackle this dude and fuck him. I think it was almost more like. They invented butt sex. There's no way they invented butt sex. Yo, the Greeks. I could have come up with that one.

There's a few inventions I'm like, I could have got there. Butt sex is one of them. That's about it. When someone was shampooing out their hair, you'd sneak up on them. Oh, I wish I was there. You would love it. I used to lay in the bathtub. I get peed on my own boyfriend at the time.

You would lay in the bathtub? And he would pee on me with no water on. Who would? Your ex? Yeah. This is Blue Powerade? Not Blue Powerade. blue power no no this was years ago when i was a child when i was a child oh like i was like 20 years old specify that how old was he he was my age i don't remember he just pissed on you i asked him to where in the bathtub no no oh everywhere spray it spray me down hose me down I feel like if you're gonna do it

Do it right Yeah like grossy face And then on my crotch In your mouth Yes I spit it out I better swallow it You would swallow it

No I wouldn't I would if I had that pain Like a fountain Like a pain Yeah What did you do Did you jerk off While you were doing it

Yes Did you cum While I was peeing on you Yes Obviously You idiot. You didn't even get the question out that time. Yeah, dude.

But here, okay. Let me turn the water on her. I'm going to make clear. I'm not kinkshaming. I'm not yucking your yum. I just didn't know you would. Yeah, so Jackie, next time you finish your cappuccino, then you turn the water on. You'll cum much faster, dear.

You'll squirt much faster, dear. That's the thing, though. She takes that shower head and she puts it on high and she goes right down to that crotch. Now we'll turn it on pulsate. Now she will pulsate. I think of squirting as like super hot. Yeah. And like you can fucking wash me down head to toe.

But wash me down. See, because here's the thing though like I if I were to engage in any of that giving or receiving I think it should almost be like a lot of water has been

drank before oh yeah this isn't fresh this isn't the first pee in the morning that's one of those things that has to be prepared no vitamins that day

right no asparagus no no Mountain Dew none of that yellow 12 it's more about just things coming out of the deck. That's what's hot.

Yeah, I mean, you don't want peas. There's definitely more of a scarlet letter with P, but it's like, if you squirt. If you're so cum hungry and you can have jizz out of there. I'd eat myself into it. I'd be like, yeah, fuck it, I'm ready to do it. Like if a girl were to squirt all over you, you'd be like, yeah, that's awesome. But I guess there's something about like you hope they're coming. If girls jizz –

Or a guy just like – Would you be grossed out? If girls jizz come and guys didn't, would you be – do you think guys would be more into it or they would eat it? They'd probably love it and eat it. Whatever stand – He's asked this question like ten times. Yeah. If that was –

If a girl shot come – If they just started tomorrow, it would be different for us. But if since the beginning of time, guys come and girls come, we'd be like, we're disgusting animals. We're pigs. I mean, we're pigs. We'll do whatever. Did you guys ever talk about if men had periods? How disgusting that would be?

I was just going to say that. Out of our dick. Oh, out of our dick. Wherever, it doesn't matter. If men had the periods, it would be so disgusting. Like, oh, shit. Give me a fucking paper towel. Like, you're stuffing them up there.

How disgusting that would be. Bro, I would have, dude. I would have Dude I would have Fucking like Like fucking McDonald's bags Fucking shoved up Shoved up there

Yeah That would be disgusting Oh yeah You would grab anything I'd be in my car I'm fucking spotted bro Getting my fucking period Just like grabbing trash

Oh my god Yes The coarseness Of a Burger King bag Wiping up Your pussy blood Shoving them up there. It would be disgusting.

You'd be using the food, the bun. Anyone got a sock on? Yes, it would be disgusting. Yes, queen. Have you ever peed in a condom? No. But I know... Have you done it like...

I know guys who have done it like they're blacked out. They stumble to the bathroom and didn't realize they left the condom on. No, I did it on purpose to see how before it popped. How long? Was it big or small?

Yeah, it got... It didn't pop, it just flew off. It was in the shower. Did it get to become like a grapefruit? Yeah, it was a grapefruit. A grapefruit, yeah.

Imagine Joey just alone in the shower. Let me do an experiment. Put that thing on. You know, we experiment with condoms a lot. I feel like when we're like straight guys,

gay guys do that. You guys don't use condoms. We experiment. We take them out of the garbage. Please, Kevin. Kevin, have you heard of the AIDS epidemic? You guys were like, no, I'd rather die. I'd rather get my nuts off and die.

I cannot believe your mother's on this episode. I've been thinking about that a little bit. We might have to swap some fucking... This might air Thursday. Yeah, we might be doing two podcasts today. I think this one might be air Thursday. Yeah, that's fair. In that case, now I'm going to say something.

Let's go on. I feel like I've jerked off in more condoms than I've had sex with condoms. Yeah, it's kinky. That's a great... I mean, it's a low number either way. You can sell those on the internet. No, because I've... Dra with condoms. Yeah, it's kinky. Yeah. That's a great... I mean, it's a low number either way. You can sell those on the internet. No, because I've... Draped them out?

Yeah. Did you have a... Have you ever had a girlfriend that you had regular condom sex with? Maybe my first girlfriend. I had a long... I had like a couple year girlfriend. A girlfriend for two years in high school.

That's when I used to use those dry ones because I was petrified. I used to use the red trojan condom box why no lube like extra thick it was like because i was just so terrified i was like yeah when i saw like extra thin i was like that sounds fucking dangerous to me like yeah and i don't think i realized that you need to like break the condom like i was thinking they could like get through whatever it was I used to use like fucking balloons on my dick oh my god so there was a decent amount of uh but I was so young that I was still like getting off because

it was like it still feels good you know yeah yeah but um sure for sure for sure yeah totally totally cool cool cool I used to fucking I think I would It's a little more comfortable. Zach, get down on the generator, sweetheart. The whole table just elevates up off the thing. We're going to need the power.

Zach, can we dip these lights, darling? You were saying, dear? I don't even know what I was saying. I don't even know What I was saying I don't even know What I was saying I think I used to Wear the condom And pull out I was like so terrified

Oh I did that for sure I was like a 15 year old kid Being like I'm gonna get this bitch pregnant And you followed the instructions On how to close the condom up After and dispose of it right You were supposed to

Tithe it out Put it back in the thing I didn't care much About the take off I cared about the pinch And roll to get it on. And pouring the hot sauce in there. And then we just started doing anal.

And I was like, well, this is good because we don't have to worry about this. Nobody's getting pregnant in that book. And that's just history. It's their herstory, if you will. My buddies always make fun of me. They'll tell a story about something they were doing when they were 15 years old. It's just like a normal 15-year-old kid thing to do. And they'd be like,

well, Clancy was doing anal with his fucking girlfriend. That probably fucked me up good. I had a friend who he didn't believe was having sex, so he fucked his girlfriend in the ass. We were like 14, and took a picture with a disposable camera and had developed that CVS and came and showed everyone his little 15-year-old dick in his girlfriend's ass.

Is that illegal? It's probably illegal. It sounds super illegal. It's definitely illegal now, but the cyber laws and porn laws hadn't caught up to the times yet. Yeah, no way. You can do whatever you want back then. Dude, I was flashing 15-year-old dick all the time. With pictures?

Pictures, yeah. Digital? Oh, we didn't have digital cameras then I had a Kyocera flip phone but it wasn't it didn't flip

it spanned like this spanned yeah like it would like spin I know but that's not the word it's spanned

it's spun it's spun it's spun that keyhole one and I was like trying to fucking I don't know I had a picture

of my dick on my phone when I was yo shout out to NSYNC I didn't want to do a little sexting Remember when

Their song Digital Get Down Was like back at that time That was like They were talking about Taking pictures and sexting And shit before Really That's what Digital Get Down

Is all about It's about like Taking pictures And sexting Yeah That's the balls Yeah what'd you guys do Do you want to go to

Cyber Cafe What did you guys do In a you want to go to a cyber cafe? What did you guys do in a cyber cafe? We never made it to the cafe. We just fucked right before we got there. Well, have you ever thrown your legs over your head and tried to cum on your own face, Trish? I've thought about it, but I'm like, once I start jerking off, I'll think about it.

Even recently, I've thought about it, recently I've thought about it But I just can't It's too much And now Joseph Oh please I have She's a heavy shooter Oh yeah

Yeah that doesn't go against the back wall though Put your lower back against the wall. On your bed. Yeah, I got it. Put your butt where your pillow goes. Put your butt where your pillow goes. Put your butt where your pillow goes. Okay, got it. Would you mind?

Pop up here. Now I'll break a hip. I've almost done it accidentally. We've said this before. You'll be jerking off in the dark at night. I've almost done it accidentally Where like you've had I could probably We've said this before Where you're like You'll be jerking off In the dark at night

And you'll hear it Hit the pillow Jesus that was Mind if I try To get my head I'm gonna see if I can Get my legs up Holy moly

Let's see if I can Get her done here Now six five I mean remember folks This is a whole lot of Whole lot of game coming up I'm very flexible John

If I'm going to get hard I'm going to leave this Here in my mouth Yeah I think I can do it You're assisting me Yeah just like that Yeah

Yeah for sure But if you didn't Hold on to your If you didn't hold on To your foot Would you be able to do it Yeah I could do it You could say that

I'm afraid I would lose I would lose Hardness though Yeah In that position Right right right, right. All the blood's going to the head there.

You talk about embarrassing somebody walks in and you passed out your legs over your head cum on your face and you're like you're turning blue. What happened here?

You guys instinctually grabbed my legs and pulled them back. It's like whoa. I was checking out your Wikipedia and I read What?

Yeah, I do my research dude. I'm a real journalist, dude. What's the deal with Tommy Hilfiger offering you a job? Oh, man. You know, I just talked to him last. Well, it seems like I just talked to him, but it was last summer. But yeah, he like. He's young, right? His son, Rich Hilfiger.

Yeah. I used to sell T-shirts on the corners, And his son, Rich, bought some from me. He was like, man, my dad loves art and shit. He'll love this. And I was like, yeah, whatever. And then he brought his dad down. And I met his father. And he was like, hey, you want to come to the house?

And I went to his house. And they just got this big-ass house in Connecticut somewhere. How old were you at this point? I don't know, probably like 21. and I went to his house and they just got this big ass house in Connecticut somewhere. And it was like, how old are you at this point? I don't know. Probably like 21 or two. And you're doing like, uh,

like airbrush, like, like, like art on the, on the shirt. I was just like drawing pictures and, and, and printing them on t-shirts and shit.

And, uh, I went to his house and it was like, it was really nice. I bet, dude. It was a really nice house. That's all I could remember was I'd never seen a nice house before. You know what I mean?

I knew white people were doing well. But you guys were really holding out on me. Wow. There's also a difference between the white hillbillies in the world and people like myself. No, no. You're all billionaires. I know it. I fucking know it.

This doesn't fool me one bit. No. Nah, man, it was so nice. They were very welcoming and he offered me a job to do a couple of good design pieces at his office and then I stiffed him.

It was great. You just fucking bailed on it? Yeah, just bailed. I identify with that a lot. You see Tommy Hilfiger. You see this beautiful house, and you're like, I don't even want a taste of that. That's a whole problem.

Well, he wasn't giving me the house. That's the step in, right? Probably. I think I just kind of panicked and knew I didn't really want to do this. It was like, ugh, you know, that kind of thing. It's like when a girl that's way out of your league is aggressively hitting on you. You're like, this has got to be a trap. It's inevitably going to crash and burn, so let's just cut out the middleman and be done with this right away.

I know what I deserve. It was kind of that. Speaking of that, was the thought of of being you know a head writer of snl ever you know is this all like a surprise to you or were you one of those guys was like i'm gonna make it i'm everything i ever got at snl i said no to at least like two and three times i love you dude like literally no warren bad idea this. I'm not doing it. I'm a simple, simple, simple man. Tess will prove that. I'm a very simple guy.

And usually, Lorne and these guys will have faith in me for whatever reason. And I will discouragingly... You are an unbelievable asshole. Same level of toxicity, baby. You are wildly talented. You are clearly wildly talented talented very good at this shit it's like I don't want to say self esteem

but you're just like no fuss let me do stand up at the cellar every night but yeah I got into SNL because I was doing Hannibal. You know Hannibal Buress? Man, he used to have this awesome show Sunday nights at Knitting Factory, man.

It was like one of my favorite things to do. It's a great spot, too. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, Knitting Factory is awesome. I saw the Roots there. It was one of the most unbelievable experiences. I think that's where I met the Roots. Really?

Yeah. I think I met like- Quest loves drumstick. Yo, people would drop in like all the time. I saw Robin Williams there. Wow. Yeah. It was like a-

Yeah. It's a little like, you know, hole in the wall sort of spot. Yeah. It's not, you know, it's known, but it's not one of the big spots. It's Brooklyn, but it's like, it's exactly what you'd want from like a Brooklyn venue. Right. And Jost was there. He was head writer at the time with Seth.

And he was doing a spot. And I had a good set. And he was like, hey, man, we're looking for new writers. We're doing this thing where you can come in for two weeks and be a guest writer for the season. And I was like, yeah, all right, whatever. I don't know. I'll get bagels.

I had no idea that they actually wanted me to write. So I wrote a couple sketches, and they asked me to finish out the season. What age is this? This was, I don't know, this was like 2013, I believe. And I've been there ever since. Wild. Yeah, yeah. But it was just like a thing.

I never wrote sketches before. It wasn't something that I was planning on doing. Wild. Yeah, yeah. But it was just like a thing. I never wrote sketches before. It wasn't something that I was planning on doing. Right. But that's like the beauty of stand-up. Most thing and kind of the beauty of New York is if you work enough, people will find you. A lot of the people on the show that have a stand-up background probably have a similar story. Also, I feel like Weekend Update is such a staple of SNL, where it's a sketch, but it is almost, in a way,

it's current events and punchlines and very similar in a comedic sense. Well, I got in as a writer before Update. Update was a whole other no. You know what I mean? That was a whole other thing. I was like, I don't want to do that. And then the Emmys and all that stuff, I was just like, I don't want to do any of this stuff. It freaked me out.

To me, I try to keep a low profile and just not get fired. Like, hey, no, I don't want to be in a position that has any responsibility. Amen. It's like if I could make the money and do all the cool shit and not have any of the the fame for stress you know enemies and drama and all that shit like that would be the dream yeah but i i but like i don't want to make it seem like i you know i i am conscious of how fortunate that you know uh getting those opportunities are you know what you said i doubled down.

But you actually said something interesting in I think the first episode of this season where you were, I think it was when I cut back to you on stage, but you were like, there is something kind of exciting about the possibility of getting cancelled. Because you were like, I don't want to step on your plane, but

it adds an air of dangerousness to it that nothing else has. Right? Yeah, for sure. I mean, it makes people willing to do that job necessary. You know? Like, I mean, if everybody's just allowed to say whatever the fuck they want, then what is interesting about the people who actually say whatever it is?

You know what I mean? Everything works in contrast and in context. For me, I like that people are freaking out about cancel culture because I'm not, so that means I'm necessary. Somebody's got to call that

baby ugly. Might as well be me, damn it. It's a dirty job. Somebody's got to do it. It is the universe. I figured it out. Oh, yeah? I can't explain it right now.

Oh, well, then what good is it? I just want you to know. Give me a contribution, Jackie. I know, I know. There wasn't much. I don't mean to interrupt you. What is this about? Are we just doing slices of ham in a bag?

All right. I knew this was going to come up. You think? You think it was going to come up? We're mid-philosophical conversation. Jackie's about to tell us the secrets of the universe, and you pull out a rogue bag of what appears to be smoked ham? I'm hungry.

Is that honey ham? Yeah, you want a piece? No. Decidedly not. All right. I'll take a slice. Oh. And this is why I actually believe John.

Oh, he lost a slice. He's going to eat it anyway. I was going to say, we may have lost a slice. Oh, no. Bro, don't do that. Oh! Oh, my God. Eating a wet slice of rogue bag ham off the ground of a car.

It's not even like a fucking Ziploc bag. Yeah, it's just a bag. Like I'm a firm believer in the five second rule and five seconds really means more like forever. Really? But not when it's the floor that we put our wet feet on. Yep. And it's a wet food. I dropped a slice of pizza on my kitchen floor And it's a wet food, so it...

I dropped a slice of pizza on my kitchen floor the other day, face down. You ate it? Yeah, I ate it. Scooped it right back up. There was a perfect little triangle of oil right on my floor. I was like, whatever, bro. So, I knew that was going to come out. I was hungry.

I was leaving that apartment. I knew I'm not going to be back for a few days. That ham wasn't going to keep. I was going to get hungry on this ride. I knew... Two birds, one stone. I figured I was leaving that apartment. I knew I'm not going to be back for a few days. That ham wasn't going to keep. I was going to get hungry on this ride. Two birds, one stone. I'm not going to pretend that's something I regularly do all the time. That's three birds. It's going to go bad.

You're hungry. And you happen to be going on a trip. It's just... I'm not like a guy walking around. I'm not going to be like, oh, you want my pocket ham? That's totally normal. No. No.

I know it's a little obscure, a little odd, but I think it makes perfect sense. I was hungry. I've been up since 7.30 this morning. It's now 10 a.m. I haven't eaten yet. Had a bag of ham. Ready to go.

But I do also think that every job has its own burdens where it's like I used to love being able to go to work hungover and just fucking stare at a screen and be like, I'm not doing anything today. Whereas this is like you do that, you lose your audience. I was the king of skating by. I was so good at that. I worked at a law firm. And one of my jobs before I moved to New York because I I needed to save up money, um, was I were, I was a paralegal and I didn't know what the law firm was.

And it was like this trashy, like Baltimore, like fucking suburb, uh, fucking office. And I realized pretty quickly that it was a foreclosure law firm and they were taking people's houses. And I was like, well,

I don't want to be a part of this. This is after the, like this is after the housing crisis, which is like people were tricked into selling. Yeah, I did. I was working directly with collateralized loans and all that shit. I was like six months into working, I was seeing on CNBC, like collateralized debt is the problem. I was like, oh, fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yikes. I do poorly. No, that checks out. Big time. I got there and I was like, well, I don't want to fucking work for these people. And I was like, well, I'll just stop working. And I'm sure they'll fire me in three or four weeks, whatever, by the time they figure it out.

And I was just like, in the meantime, I'm going to go on two-hour lunches. I'm going to be the fucking, you know, the life of the office. I'm just shooting the shit with everyone. Everyone loves me because I'm not doing work. It's office space. I'm going around. You're the joke guy. just shooting the shit with everyone everyone loved me because i'm not doing work it's office space i'm going around the joke guy yeah the cool guy and it took them literally like six months to fire me and i just literally not doing anything i was not doing is when i was starting stand-up like i was pretty early on in my career i was like doing open mics

i'm just writing shit my boss would come by i would hit the like mouse yeah to get the screensaver but i was i wasn't logged in so it would I wasn't logged in. So it would just be like, oh, my boss is coming. It would just be like the login screen. I was literally playing on my cell phone. And it was like I wasn't in it. I didn't have an office. I had cubicles out in the open. It was so completely disrespectful.

I was begging to get fired, and they just wouldn't do it. And honestly, there is part of me that's like, it would be fun to see what scams I'd be capable of. Oh, yeah. Because I do feel like it didn't work you know i scare myself sometimes with just like casual lying and the ability the ability to like you know because i am lazy even yeah yeah it's like yeah like that's when you really put your laziness to the test you know what i realized is like you know if especially

if you work for a bigger place they gotta have all their ducks in a row before they fire that's what happened so i i did the same thing. I was begging them to fire me. They were like, Hey, how about we transfer you to another department where you'll thrive better? And I was like, no,

because I had, they're like, what do you mean? No. And I was like, I'm good. They're like, that means we're going to fire you.

I was like, but then I started thinking about all of the people who got fired before me. And I was like, boy, you guys must have really sucked. Because they're trying to fire me and they can't. And you got the boot immediately. Well, it's because there's a certain kind of like,

what does not get, like someone working too hard is a bigger mistake than someone not working hard enough in a corporate environment. Nobody respects you. Everybody takes advantage of you. And the bosses are worried you're going to make them look bad. And the people that you're like, well,

they'll, their boss will see. Their boss doesn't give a fuck. Their boss is trying to figure out how to fucking embezzle money. Yeah. Which literally happened at Law Firm,

by the way. I think one of the partners literally blew his brains out because they got caught. They got caught just stealing from the firm. It was such a fucking mess. What a lame way to kill yourself. Like, blowing your brain out? No, because of embezzlement? You got caught stealing from the firm. It was such a fucking mess. What a lame way to kill yourself, like blowing your brain out.

No, no. You got caught stealing from a firm? Was it a major firm? No, I don't know. I mean, I'm sure, I feel like he was probably, like I said, these guys were fucking, they're just like, it was a joke of a, they didn't even know how to be white-collar criminals. You're not even going to real jail, dude.

Right. Go hang out for a couple months and come home. Go kill yourself. Christ almighty. But anyway, yeah, it was just like that was a fucking – yeah, that was a hilarious time in my life. I do – I did love – and that's the other thing is like when – and then I'm sure when like starting Barstool and all this shit was your passion, it's like that's an exciting time. Like that's how I felt too at that time. That's the worst thing about it is that like

I know for a fact that's the that is probably what if we unpack more stuff depression yeah I love it like I'll never be as happy

as I was you're chasing the high you're chasing the dragon I think it was 500 bucks a month when we started like it was fucking

and you know at the time I was happy but I wasn't you didn't realize you never know during the good times I mean that, but I wasn't like – You didn't realize. You never know during the good times. There's the good times. I mean that's the same way.

Like my last year in Baltimore is probably the happiest year of my life so far because it was like – I was like, you know, you're the best comic in a small city. Yeah. You know what I mean? Big fish, small pond. Yeah, big fish, small pond. It was the first time in my life I was getting pussy because I believed in myself. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I had a college girlfriend, and that's the only person I had fucked, and then I believed in myself. You know what I mean? I had a college girlfriend and that's the only person I had fucked. And then I live in Baltimore. And then I'm just going hard, working, saving up, living at home. And then I move in with my buddies and it's like I'm finally getting sucked off. You know what I mean? From your buddies?

Yeah, we were just like such a bro household. And I worked at a paint store making $10 an hour. You know what I it was it was just and i worked at a paint store making uh ten dollars an hour you know what i mean it was just like it was just fucking great it was it was a great time and i like just hung over always going to work like feeling like shit all i cared about was comedy and it was just fucking it was just and again i had i was so poor i would eat like eggs and beans like i would that was my go go to meal was like I would bake the eggs and beans

yeah and I would bake them that's fucking Danny DeVito that's Charlie and Frank and I would just make fucking like literally pans of it and just like fucking eat eggs and beans cause it was like the cheapest shit to have what's worse eggs and beans or I would do tomato soup and I would melt cheese

slice a crab single yeah yeah yeah that's like a deconstructed tomato soup and that would melt cheese and make it a little thicker. Slice a crab single. That's like a deconstructed tomato soup and grilled cheese situation. Guess what? You suck at sex. That's why Roman's here to help. Roman swipes are secret to longer lasting sex. If you listen

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It was something over the top. And then they were like, how many gazelles are there in Hollywood? And he's like, there are maybe five of us. Which is crazy. And it's probably a little low, seeing as what you just listed. They're all gazelles. But he's one of them. Yeah, he's one of them.

That's how he described that level of fame. Yeah. I'm a gazelle. I'm a gazelle. Which was so cocky. That's pretty tight. And then to be like, they asked him and he kind of pauses. And it's like, there's like five.

Because you can actually think in his head, like me and my few buddies. That's it. That's fucking dope. It is. He came to my show last month. Really? In LA.

Oh, yeah. You had pictures with him too. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. And first of all, like you are trying to, he does a good job of, I think really famous people

who obviously know they have an effect on a room. Yeah. Some of them obviously maybe don't care to make you feel normal, but he makes the effort. He's like, oh, I'm so excited to be such a big fan. I'm like, right. Does that fuck you up when you're on stage knowing that Brad Pitt's out there? No, because he did such a good job before. He's talking about it.

And then at one point point he's asking me, he's like, is this what you do before the show? Because basketball, you watch basketball, listen to music? I'm like, yeah. And he's like, you don't have to prepare. I'm like, I'm prepared. I'm good, dude. I was like, I've been on tour for six months. I'm prepared.

And he's like, oh, okay. And then we're just shooting the shit and then he's like, alright like oh okay and you know they were just shooting the shit and then he's like all right i'm gonna go out there and so i have the security that i brought escort him right this is in la in la and so he has a bucket hat on and and his hair is up in it right as you see that and then i go i go yeah man go, can you go anywhere? And he goes, check this out. And he reaches in, and he has like an oversized mask. So he puts it on. That's the whole thing.

You see this, and then the hat's here, and the hair's up here. And I was like, you never, ever know. I'm like, holy shit. And then Ryan Sickler goes, looks like Chad Pitt. I mean, the mask shit for them must have been the best thing that's ever happened. He sat through the whole show. Nobody knew? Nobody knew. After the show, he comes back,

super gracious, hangs out a little bit, and then he goes, we're going to another show. We're going to go to see some music thing. I was like, cool. I was like, oh yeah, he can do this now. Especially right now. He wants the shit to keep going. I feel like he'll be able to do that forever. I don't think anyone's going to think it's like...

There will always be someone who's in a mask. It won't just be Japanese people. Somebody will always be... It won't be like... It'll be like seven years from now. You'll be like, you can really knock it off. There'll always be people that are like... Was he solo?

No. It is wild, I think, to be around someone. but there will always be people that are like was he solo? no but he yeah it is wild I think to be around someone and I did think during that Oscar shit I was like

oh yeah he could be somebody if they were like leave he'd be like no I'm gonna eat pizza here right I can take my dick out

right now my dominoes is on the way and then also can you imagine also the people who they send to ask you to leave at that are so intimidated. Yeah. So they're like, could you please maybe consider?

I asked Leonardo DiCaprio to leave. Yeah. And he was like, he shrugged. Yeah. And then. I bet you certain guys wouldn't even acknowledge that. Yeah. What do you do?

He pretended he couldn't hear me. I was yelling in his face. Yeah. You have to send like the, The Rock to be like, I'll pick you up. Some guy doesn't give a fuck. I will physically remove you from here because no one else can.

I know. It's a beautiful thing to see. I mean, I've had a couple security people we've brought to shows, and to see them remove somebody physically that doesn't want to leave great it's great yeah maybe like the first real like final break story that like took off is the uh the e coli christmas which which is so crazy that people are like, there's no way this is real. This couldn't have happened.

I think we need to call John in. He needs some backup? Not so much backup. I think he needs to have this conversation. It's very real. Yeah. Your unlicensed sister must drive you to CVvs to get the worst medicine for you at this time for your condition but we think it's right what was it pepto-bismol i guess your belly hurts here you

go and that's the last thing you should do for e coli apparently you're like what did you give him wait no no that's a that's a different christmas you were a young boy for E.C.O. that was that was my appendectomy that was my appendectomy I've been to the

hospital twice on Christmas well there's I think there's like a running theme of when you had your broken

ankle or wrist or something and you didn't go for like knuckles broken knuckles for like he had like

broken bones for like a week before he went to the hospital I was using the Scantron and I was like filling out like a Scantron and they were like what's wrong with you I was like I can't close like knuckles broken knuckles he had like broken bones for like a week before he went to the hospital I was using a scantron and I was like filling out like a scantron and they're like

what's wrong with you I was like I can't close my knuckles my mom says just have a glass of milk though right strengthen your bones

you gotta start there they're shattered but maybe the milk will put them back together don't jump right to the hard stuff right you gotta take steps that could fix it

you don't know between the broken bones the coli and the appendectomy it seems like it was always putting off Right to the hard stuff, right? You got to take steps. That could fix it. You don't know. Between the broken bones, the E. coli, and the appendectomy, it seems like it was always putting off the hospital until that second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't need them. You don't need them. You're going to be fine. So E. coli Christmas was as, like, just nobody wanted to stay with him?

Well, truth be told, I knew it was bad meat when I cooked it. But I didn't have anything else. Which is another thing I would have said in the past. Like, how could you do that? And now I'm smelling the milk like ants. Right, right, right. You shake it, you shake it. It dissipates a little bit.

It's not sour anymore. I do it every day. Was he always this way? He pukes like five times every day. Was he always this way? He pukes like five times a week. Was he always this way? What's wrong with you? Every time we bring up anything... He's a sour milker.

He pukes like twice a week at work. Well, actually, that's interesting, too, because Hannah's bedroom was next to his, and she's like, Ma, he makes some weird noises. I don't think he's okay. There's the normal, I don't know when it started,

but now obviously with a few miles on the car, every time you get up, it's like, groaning and all that. But every time anybody brings up anything remotely gross, it has gotten worse over the years. That could be deep.

Maybe that's what it is well i remember when i was the bad meat i remember that i could cook it out it makes sense get her hot it boils out all the stuff whatever one of the doctors being like when they're trying to figure out what's wrong with me if you were they were like now like is there any chance you could have eaten some rotten meat? And I was like, no. And in the middle of me saying no, you go, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely. It's not even a chance. It's 100% confirmed.

But they all ate it, so where's the weak link again? Pussy! Everybody drank the same milk and had the same beef. I skipped the occasional meal, but... Hey, Mom, how come you're not having any? Just finish your plate. Not enough. Not enough.

Chef's prerogative. All right, so he's sick. You take him to the hospital, and it's Christmas Eve? Christmas Eve, I think. No, no, no. Eve Day, right? Even today? That one might have been a little earlier.

The appendectomy was definitely Christmas Eve Day. I feel like the E. coli might have been like two days earlier and I stayed through. I forget exactly. But he's forgetting one other Christmas hospital

that he was too young to know that he didn't. What's that one other Christmas hospital that he was too young to know that he didn't. What's that one? So my mom and both John's grandmothers, between the two of them, had 13 kids. So my mom had seven. John's mom had six. And one Christmas, John's on the couch as white as this. This John?

You. You. And you're young. It's probably just you and Hannah. So you're probably three, four. And you know, like when they can't breathe and their bellies are going in like really deep. And you're like, what? I'm getting thin right before my eyes.

He's wasting away. I don't know this at all. Okay. All right. So bad, shallow breathing. So both grandmothers, right, who say, hey, we've got 13 kids experience between us. What's going on with John? I'm like, oh, he's fine.

No, no, he's not fine. He's not breathing right. I'm like, what do you mean he's not breathing right? And I'll never forget it. They like lie you on the couch. And both of them are like, hmm. Again, 13 kids. We've never seen this.

And I don't even remember who suggested it. Do you want to call the pediatrician? You should. It's Christmas. Who's working on Christmas? We can't possibly bother them. Oh, my God. So we did. And we went through the whole thing.

And, you know, did the hot shower, get the air, you know, open up his airways. Yeah, yeah. He had asthma. Oh, asthma. It wasn't know, open up his airways. Yeah, yeah. He had asthma. Oh, asthma. It wasn't horrible, but it was bad. An asthma attack for a three-year-old is not great. He literally couldn't breathe. I'm like, no, no, he's fine.

We're having Christmas. Like, this is fun. A present will fix it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give him a toy. He's not even adding to the conversation. And it was so funny because, like, he doesn't even want his presents. He doesn't want any cake.

He doesn't want anything. I'm like, that's John. And honestly, if you had told that, I'd be like, yeah, checks out. Checks out. Not that he's slowly losing oxygen. The brain is shutting down. So we've had asthma attack, appendectomy, E. coli, and...

Those are three Christmases. Those are three Christmases. Three Christmases. That should be the title of the movie. And so... I'm kind of liking this. See, it's funny. Get going.

But, to answer the question, I completely agree with you. I don't know when my phone's going to die. I do shout out BlackBerry's. BlackBerry's, even if your phone died,

the alarm would go off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would save some battery for that. iPhones do not do that. No. They tell you, go fuck yourself.

Is there someone you shut off the sound on your phone? I don't think I've ever had sound on my phone. If you have sound on your phone... No, no, no. I mean like on an alarm. So when you go to pause it, you accidentally hit the sound down arrow. And then you just mute your phone. So then

no alarm goes off. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, I've had that happen. That happens if you hit the down thing? Yeah. So I just grab it and I hit it. What the hell was that? Yeah. That was a text message. But yeah, I've had that happen where like when I was a cook, I slept through my 6 a.m. fucking time I was supposed to be at work so many times.

It got to a point they would just send people to my house. They would be like, hey. Really? Come on in. That's crazy. Were you like the best cook ever? Why did they just fire you? I was a pretty damn good cook. I have a psychopath work ethic that I do now, but as a cook.

I was like, I fucking I'm going to be the best at this. It was fucking weird. It's a good work ethic to have. Yeah. It's all right. Where were you cooked? Mickey's in Iowa City. I can't believe Mickey's wasn't like, we're just going to find a new guy to make the cheeseburger.

They were sending people to your house to wake you up? That's nuts, dude. Can you make me a cheeseburger? I have to make it. And no joke, it was like the night before. I would just be there until closing time. So they're like, just tell Ryan he's just going to have to go get him tomorrow morning. And then I'd just wake up to Ryan in my fucking bedroom because our front door was always open.

Just being like, hey, we got to go in now. I'm like, thanks, buddy. That's awesome. So we're not in L.A., but you did get your Vegas trip. Got the Vegas trip in. I saw you doing some karaoke. We show innovation. Feel the rain on your skin.

No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in. No one else. No one else. I saw you in the club. I was like, oh man, this boy's gonna have some heartburn. This boy's body's gonna be hurting. I was getting hungover just looking at you. You said you still got it, but I'm like, I don't know if you still got it, dude.

Bro, as long as people are offering you cocaine, you've still got it. You've still got it. If a guy sees me strolling through the fucking club at the MGM, not club, casino, and he whispers in my ear, and it was so cool how he did it, he says, party, party. Party, party. That is one of the best, you know, like you buy in, you buy in, you hold in, you got party, party. Party, party. Dude, and the other, the know, like you buy in, you buy in, you hold in, you got. Party, party. Party, party.

Dude, and the other, the second one. Here, actually, what I'm going to do, because I don't want to pretend to tell the story because like, and we act like you haven't read it and I haven't told it for the first time. So I'm just going to read the audio. Like, I'll do an audio book. We'll put some music behind it. Storybook time.

It's storytelling time for. You know what? This is one thing I learned. KFC Radio Edition. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me. It's called I've Still Got It by

Feidelberg. I've never felt older than I did this weekend. I'm 33. It's an age where old people will roll their eyes at you when you say you're old, but young people absolutely do not claim you. I guess you could say that about any age, but 33 is the age I am, and I'm the one talking, so everything's about me.

The point is that I don't feel like a kid anymore, and it's never been more clear than it was the last few days. Kevin, by the way, chime in whenever you're done, please. I don't want to do it. It's an audiobook slash discussion. Starting on Wednesday morning, I was doing things that were very out of sorts for me. For starters, I made an 8 a.m. flight out of JFK. That meant that I had to be up at 5.30.

And guess what? I didn't even need an alarm clock because I had pizza for dinner the night before, and that gave me such horrible heartburn that I woke up at 3 a.m. and just stayed awake reading until my flight to Vegas. Reading. Then I brought that book on the plane and read it there, too. You bringing the book on the plane. I vividly remember last time we were on a plane and I had the book

and I got made the fuck fun of. No, you weren't on the plane. We weren't on the plane. You were at the pool. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, whatever, dude. Now you're the book guy fuck you

um what did i do my first night in vegas went to see a show that's how people with kids talk to their friends about vegas in the 90s in order to hide their gambling problem oh no no it's not just casinos anymore the food is spectacular the show's to die for it's not just casinos anymore. The food is spectacular. The show's to die for. It's a whole experience. Well, I really wanted to see a show. I saw Cirque de Soleil's O at the Bellagio, and I fell asleep during a live performance where people were lit on fire because I was exhausted from traveling.

Were you solo? Which I didn't even realize was a thing. No, it was with my parents. Okay, I was going to say, if you're doing solo shows in Vegas, you've got to be fucking kidding me, bro. No, no. That's crazy. That's old people's shit. That's not even old people's shit.

That's crazy. I was running the fucking game, too, for trying to stay awake. I got up at one point, went to the bathroom. It's an hour and a half show. Got up at one point, went to the bathroom, came back. Sorry, I fell asleep again. Got up, went to go get some candy. We're just fucking snorting sour patch kids basically

trying to stay up and it was not helping i was out bro i was literally a man was set on fire and walked across the stage and my mom had to wake me up for it she's like look at this this is fucking crazy yo coming out of a nap to that what the the fuck is going on? He was holding a folding chair also on fire just walking around. It was nuts. Thursday brought a new hell, athletics. I love playing hockey, and I still do, but each time the reminders that I've lost a step get less and less subtle. Stick handling gets a nanosecond slower, the strides get heavier,

and every time someone goes to take a shot, instead of an instinct to block it, a full surgery and rehab flash before your eyes. And that's coming, by the way. I don't want to put this out there. You're playing too many sports. You're playing too many sports. You're playing too many sports. I am? You should stop.

You are like one or two more spitting chiclets events away from a surgery. I'm calling it now. You should stop now while you're ahead. You will have shoulder surgery or groin surgery in the next year or two. It's happening. That night after a nap, I went out to a chicklet's party at Red Tail in Resort World. All these capitalized words

look like they're total nonsense. They really do. It's crazy. A chicklet's party at Red Tail in Resort World. Fuck off. I brought my parents. It was casual.

We played Papa Shot and chatted up some folks. When my parents called it a night, I got a text that my energy was needed in the karaoke room. I obliged and stormed in, singing a variety of my favorite songs. Jonas Brothers' I'm Hot, Taylor Swift's Our Song, and Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten. All of which are 15 to 20 years old. I looked that up.

It was disappointing. Was Chief there for Unwritten? He was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you guys go bonkers for it? We were doing it together what happened was in the video i'm doing obviously like a screamo version yeah it's because i'd smoked so many cigarettes that day and done two karaoke songs already that i didn't have a regular voice

left to scream or couldn't hear at all right so i was going hi and then i'm going low because those are the only two registers i could hit. It was not an artistic choice. It was the only way I could fucking sing. You gutted it out. It's your flu game. I also think as long as you are still the phone call to bring some energy

to the karaoke room, you still got it. That's up there with Party Party. That's a good point. No one's calling me for that. All of which are 15 and 20 years old and after I lost my voice on account of the karaoke, I Irish goodbyed because my head hurt too badly from singing.

Dude, my head hurt so bad that as I walked out, I saw one of the people here who work in sales and they stopped me in the bar so I Irish goodbyed from the karaoke room and they caught me in the bar. So I heard goodbye from the karaoke room and they caught me in the bar still. And they were talking to me. And eventually she just goes, I'm going to let you go because you look like you're going to murder me for talking to you.

Because my head hurts so bad. I was in so much pain. I was like, I just need to get the fuck out of here. I need like fresh air. I need something. Friday night, after playing blackjack with Riggs, Chief, Scotty Darling, and Chef Donnie, we went looking for the cashier to exchange chips. I hate this part of leaving a casino. The wandering followed by the waiting in line after I've already made a decision that I want to leave bothers me.

And it's why I always make it a point to win no money and have none left. That way, when I want to go, I can just go. Next level thinking, really. We couldn't find the cashier anywhere when Donnie had the idea to ask this guy. He looks like he works here. And as my head turned to look at Donnie, I realized his arm was moments from grabbing Barry Melrose

to ask him where the cashier was. Admittedly, an oversized black pinstripe suit and a red tie does scream pit boss, but young people now mistaking my broadcast icons for conceivable employees that is that's a fair point though if there's someone who's going to look like a pit boss in in las vegas it's barry it's melrose bro i saw melrose three separate times every single time was he at the chicklets event or he was just there for the no no no he's I saw him in different casinos.

This is three separate days. And he always looked like he just walked off set. He always had like an oversized gold jacket. That was at the Bellagio when I saw O. Then he had the pin. So I saw him twice at the Bellagio that night. And then once at Aria with the thing. But then, okay. that night and then once at that was at aria that one on the uh with the thing um but then okay um after the casino we went to hakasan for our well sandbag championship celebration we had tables

and bottle service and there was going to be a hot dj group who have kind of heard of playing now to be fair here no matter my age this has never really been my scene so i knew i wasn't going to last long i popped in spread my hellos around and told a few jokes so people would remember seeing me then reached in my bag for the trusty irish goodbye trust the irish goodbye Not say goodbye. I don't know why I added that. It doesn't say that here. I didn't say goodbye. I Irish goodbyed.

As I attempted to sneak out, Dylan Larkin, who we'd walked into the club with, grabbed me and said, Kyle, you leaving already? And I, very self-conscious about not being able to hang anymore, lied and said that I needed to get someone in from the line at the front door. I lied to a person who doesn't even know my name in an attempt to cover my aging tracks. Old. To continue that story, one of the bouncers, or one of the club promoters, I guess, whatever,

overheard me saying that, and he went, he went, nah, nah, nah, dude, I'll get him, I'll get him, I'll get him. And I went, dude, it's fine, I got it, I got it. And once Dylan walked away, I went, dude, that was a lie. I was like, I'm just leaving. I came clean to the bouncer, but I didn't want Larkin to know. Larkin doesn't even know my name. He thought my name was Kyle.

I called you Kyle, bro. Kyle. To be fair, we look like Kyles. All of us. All white guys can be Kyle. That's true. One of my best friends, my mom calls Kyle to this day. She just straight up calls him Kyle the same way that Dave will call,

like, you know, young Sam Bob Bob. His name is Evan. She just calls him Kyle every single time. It's not even a joke anymore. That's just his name. That's all white guys. You white, you're Kyle. I walked across the casino floor embarrassed,

but also very excited to get back to my room and watch a movie. For those wondering, I went with Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. I stopped at one of the mini-marts they have and grabbed my movie snacks. Water, sweet and hot beef jerky, peanut butter M&M's, Sour Patch Kids, and of course Tums. Old. But that's when a miracle happened. As I shamefully dried myself across the hotel with a bag of candy and Tums,

a man came and rescued me. Like the angel on George Bailey's bridge, the man whispered into my ear, party, party. I whipped my head around and he gave me the look. The look that says, if you want to either overdose on fentanyl or maybe stay up all night, get a hooker who you can't get a hard dick for and miss your flight, I can make that happen right now. And I smiled ear to ear. I'm all good, I said.

From there, I practically floated to the elevator bay where I was offered to buy cocaine again, baby. This time, the man said nothing. This dude just held up like an eight ball. He didn't say anything. He was a little guy. He was a little guy in like a full jean outfit you know they're like full canadian tuxedo he was kind of like slumped over and he

just said it almost it almost looked like like the meme from like uh they're like the kid like in the hall you know it's like uh me when i wake up my parents and tell them i've wet the bed and it's like an alien in the doorway he looked like that just holding an eight ball like this and i was like i was like practically giddy i a second time. Life is all about the little victories and moving the goalposts to ensure you get those victories. When you were younger, this is something we've said a million times, when you were younger, you wanted to be athletic. As you age, you simply hope people see you and think there was probably a time he was athletic. And the same goes for partying. Even if you're not doing it to the extent you once were,

you still want people to think you can. Even if you felt old all weekend, you still want to have a little spot in your mind that says you can still reach back and chuck it. If drug dealers are stopping you on the casino floor, then I think it's safe to say you've still got to look that says, hell yeah, I'll do a greater tale right now. Let tomorrow,

let tomorrow sort itself out. And that's all any of us can hope for. That is the best comparison I've heard. The idea of like, yeah, you're never going to, you're not going to be as athletic, but as long as you still look the part. As long as it's not like when you show up to the party, people are like, oh, you're a damper on the party.

It's like, oh, this guy, he can't hang with us anymore, but he once did. And he's got stories. He's got stories he can tell you about when he did hang. I'm just impressed you said no twice. I feel like it was like that could have gone one of two ways, either what you did or, like, well, second time's a sign. Come on.

I got it. Bro, it was – honestly, I don't even know what – like, I've never ripped up Vegas because I I can't get the jet lag. The Vegas trips are always so short. Jet lag just gets me, bro. I was gassed. I did the first night I was out by 9 p.m. The next two nights, I pushed it to midnight.

But I was fucking tired, tired. Well, yeah. When you're not on cocaine, it's hard to stay awake. That's the problem. But also, I'm very surprised, despite the party party coke and the coke in the elevator bay, Vegas is shockingly anti-cocaine. Like, I remember it's where Bruno Mars got arrested for coke. Dude, every bathroom I went in were signs, not the cute please don't do coke in the

bathroom like like signs like do not this like like do not do cocaine here like you will be prosecuted the folks that love blah blah when i was there for summer slam when i i went into the encore beach party uh night night pool party there's like an amnesty box for people to drop their drugs in and it's okay as long as you don't go. Three separate layers of security patting me down, opening my wallet. Well, because it's fentanyl, dude. They probably had deaths on premises and shit and they're like, we can't have this anymore. Dude, do it Bad Boys 2 style. Just drag them out

back. Remember Bad Boys 2? Don't let her die in my fucking club! Were people selling or die in my fucking club were people selling or I feel like the Canadian tuxedo guy just wanted somebody to do coke with

nah he was selling he was selling yeah they were both selling I need a friend can I just come to your room and do coke real quick you know what you really should have done I'm proud of you for what you did do because you are an old man

and that was the wise decision because you'd probably still be reeling from that right now had you said yes. I wish we could do a little low-key the time, the EVA. I want to see what would have happened if you said yes just to see

how much you were supposed to. But in a universe, you said yes just to see how how much you were but in a universe you said you you you said no you go to the the canadian tuxedo guy he pulls out that eight ball not only did you say yes but you were like come here come here and you you you united party party guy and canadian tuxedo guy and you the three of you just had a fucking time. And that became Party Party John. There is a alternate universe in the final verse where we had Party Party John

and I don't know if you can come back from that one, bro. That John's dead. That John's soul inhabits the strat. Party Party is that's a top five phrase I've ever heard in my life party dude it's so cool i like it the way he said it was so party party i was like yeah yeah it's not like

fucking party it's not it's but party party it's a little bit because you know what i bet you that dude has tested every every every single which way to get someone to buy cocaine. And he landed on just a subtle, simple. It's a hell of an elevator pitch for cocaine. I will. I will have some cocaine. Yes. Yes, I will party party.

Thank you, sir. Because guess what? The double, if someone goes party, you're like, huh, maybe they mean drink. Maybe they mean go club. What do you mean? Double party, that means cocaine. What do you mean? Double party. That means cocaine. Party, party.

Party, party. I'm proud of you. It all started with like an Instagram live with Dave, right? Did you set that up or he set that up or fans set that up or what? We reached out to him because we saw a tweet that he put out just saying like, why are these wiggle dickers showing yeah that's right yeah that's what he's uh that was like the because yeah that i mean that's where we are we were like we write blogs we're we're not comedians but we're trying to be funny and we're writing and we're doing videos and real shit we were the wiggle dickers are like blowing

blowing up it's like you ever watch like an old like journalism movie or something like that and like this is a fucking fat drunk old guy who's like this is how journalism is supposed to be done you pound pavement you knock on doors right and like we were that of the internet we're like we were here when it first started you'll just you don't just dance on a video that's not how you get famous and it's exactly how you do it it's exactly how it works. But now I am remembering Dave being like, I played sports when I was that age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't dance. I played sports.

Yeah. But, you know, he has – I'm way more athletic than Dave. There's like a 0% chance he's ever been more athletic than me in his entire life. Dude, he just – Ever. In one moment. Like, ever.

There couldn't – I like broken – But you got to remember, he's 45. I'll break my bones and I'll – No. When he was 18 and I'm 18, I'm beating him in every sport. Okay. Not one sport he's beating me in.

2020, I'm beating him in every sport. Wow. What sport is he going to beat me in? Yeah. I mean. I think he would argue baseball. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Actually, okay. Maybe he would take me in baseball. I mean, I did pretty fucking great in the All-Star game, but. Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right. You were in the Celebrity All-Star game, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, that was softball, right? It's whatever, three up, three down. No, I mean, Dave had a legit swing. Dave, I mean, as much as he has guts, he is, like, weirdly good at, like, all sorts of shit, though. It's like, I don't know, like, flip this bottle. I know, like, he'll bottle. I know he's better than you would expect for...

I could see baseball, but baseball isn't like... I'm going to get hate for saying this, but I don't think baseball is really... You don't need to be super athletic

to be good at baseball. No, you don't. It's just... I mean, the more athletic you are, it's obviously good. But it is more of a talent and a skill

and hand-eye coordination and shit. These days, the players are definitely more athletic. Back in the day, when I was younger, you could have Matt Stairs

dropping a 500-foot bomb. The golden days, man. You missed out. It was great. Let me tell you, kid. Maybe I would have liked hockey. Hockey, yeah.

Have you done a goalie challenge with him yet? I haven't. I mean, how the fuck has that not happened yet? Yeah, we should do that. You know why that hasn't happened?

Because he knows I would absolutely... Because he's lost his fastball. In this case, it's hockey, but... I believe I still currently have the record for most goals against him in the goalie challenge. Dude, that video resurfaced recently. Have you seen that? I haven't seen it.

Well, we got to give you that footage to make sure you play it on the show. Because the goalie challenge morphed into this thing where you have to stand stationary, like 150 feet away from Dave in goal, and you can't work any angles. And, yeah, he stops like 9 out of 10. He was just like penalty shots. He was just like a breakaway. We were on ice.

And it was just like boom, boom, boom, boom. This was like 10 years ago. And it was on ice. Yeah, yeah. I got to tell you first of all, we're still talking St. Patrick's Day. Yeah. I was in Newport this weekend for a friend's surprise party, and then Newport St. for a friend's surprise party.

And then Newport St. Patrick's Day was this Saturday. So we went to a bar. And it's not as popular as it used to be back in the day. But there used to be this thing. And this is honestly just a wholesome story that I like. Oh, good. We don't have enough of those on the shelf. Back in the day, you used to be like you walk into a gas station, you give like a dollar,

and you write your name on something, and they hang it up, and it's kind of like, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I know about hanging dollars. I don't think I ever hung one on gas stations. It's not an actual dollar. You buy something for charity kind of deal. Oh, I don't know this then. And yeah, you'll recognize it when I show it to you. Like something like that.

And then they kind of hang that up. I'll be honest, I don't. Really? Yeah. They cut them into shapes, and they kind of – you know what I'm talking about, right? Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? No one else is listening. The – so you hang them up, right?

So I went into a bar. I haven't seen him in forever. But something that happened when I was younger was that my dad used to convince – trying to convince us that his best friend growing up was a man named Woza. Woza? Cardoza. And Cardoza is a very popular name. It's Portuguese in the fall area.

There was also Marcia Mello. Mello was another popular one. No. Wait, that's real or your dad? Well, so, ever since I was a kid, he'd be like, Woza Cardoza. He'd be like, what was a Cadoza? He'd tell us stories about what was a Cadoza. And then as we got older, what he started doing was he'd go into gas stations. And for some reason, I could always picture him skiing when we did this.

We were always like, he was always in ski gear. But he'd go into the gas station and he'd buy one of those name things for like five bucks. And he'd sign it, what was a Cadoza? And he'd buy one of those name things for like five bucks, and he'd sign it, Woza Cadoza. And he'd come running out to the car. He'd be like, kids, Woza was just here! Right? And this motherfucker made like a new Santa Claus. And I was like

eight. I was like, God, we missed Woza! And then I'd be like 13, and I'd be like, wow, how are we always just missing Woza? And I was like 20, and I was like, was like Clark Kent and Superman are never in the same place at the same time I was like 20 and I was like I don't know if Woza's real

so then I was at the Newport St. I was at a bar at the Newport St. Patrick's Day Parade this weekend and they had those kind of things that you could buy so I took a picture and I texted to my dad and my siblings. And my sister just goes, don't even fucking start with this. We used to fight with my dad.

Like, Woes is not real. What do you mean Woes is not real? He's on the wall. I can tell you that as a dad, if I get that fucking 30 years from now with a joke of mine and you send it back, I would be waterworks. I'd be like, this is amazing. Woza Cardoza. Woza was just here. Oddly enough.

He'd come out in like ski boots. He'd come running out because he can't really run in ski boots. He'd kind of hobble like this. Kids, kids, get out of there. Woza was just here. It's so funny how dumb kids are. And then when you learn something as a kid, you'll keep it through like 20 years old.

You know what I mean? It's like, no, my dad told me about this forever. It's got to be real. My dad used to call my brother, not Cardoza. It was something similar, though. He would call him, oh, I don't know if this is a real place or a made-up place called Formosa. He would call him Oh I don't know if this is a real place Or a made up place Called Formosa

He would call him Brandoza from Formosa And I think it's Type this in Type in Formosa Is there something to do with Taiwan For some reason I think my

I think my dad was making Inappropriate jokes about Asians And for some reason Taiwan was involved And he would say Brandoza from Formosa My Taiwanese baby boy i would yell it out my dad's always like doing these like voices and sing song type shit

side my taiwanese baby boy my brother being like a little kid and not knowing what's going on thought he was saying tied when he was a boy and he he like for years my brother thought he was like getting tied up and didn't know what the fuck was going on. My dad just running around screaming, Maybe he's related to Woza Cardoza. Yeah. When you said that, I was like, wait a second, what? Wow.

I'm thinking about that. I'm always saying Snoozy Susie to my kids. When they're 30, they send me something saying Snoozy Susie to my kids. When they're like 30, they send me something about Snoozy Susie. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.