KFC Radio - Betty White Only Got Sexier With Age Ft. Joe DeRosa and Eagle Witt

Episode Date: January 4, 2022

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - Feits has a genius plan to get TikTok famous and it involves his knees - thoughts on the Arizona Bowl getting canceled - KFC couldn't find a single pair of pants to wear that fit him - Feits' new doppelganger is REALLY throwing us all off - Johnny Notebooks involving sui innovations, 30-year-olds shouldn't get presents, and Feits is happy we're not listening to scientists anymore - Jackie has some new years resolutions involving dr*gs, mafia, and money laundering - Jacqued Up NFL Week 17 analysis - Betty White got hotter as she got older - Top 5 Olds - Voicemails - Interview with Joe DeRosa - Interview with Eagle Witt Timecodes: 0:00 - Feits is going to get Tik Tok famous 25:55 - AZ bowl canceled 30:31 - KFC doesn't fit into any of his pants 39:21 - New memeber of the Feitelverse 43:47 - Johnny Notebook 01:12:17 - New Years Resolutions 01:25:27- Jacqued Up 01:40:33 - Betty White 01:46:06 - Top 5 Olds 01:59:21 - Ghislaine Maxwell Trial 02:03:48 - Voicemails 02:13:33 - Joe DeRosa Interview including drafting the stages of friendship with Pete Holmes, his fantastic sandwiches, his innovative approach to marriage, and much more 03:18:14 - Eagle Witt Interview including the inside scoop on Dave Chappelle's parties, Vin Diesel with a p***y, and much more Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I honestly don't think I even want to tell you. I don't want to tell microphones. I mean, I was going to say... I'm going to have the next great TikTok of 2021. 2022. 2022 it is.

The first great TikTok. The first great... But like the next massive TikTok page will be mine. Okay. I love it. Millions of followers. I'll fucking tell you. I don't give a shit.

No, I can't tell you. Well, why don't you do it before we put this out? Tell me now. I need a lot of editing. I need a lot of editing. So my producers, let me know what you can do. Because here's the deal, man. I am going to have a massive TikTok page.

It's going to be so big. I'm going to quit this fucking podcast, and I am just going to be doing my goddamn TikToks. Some little TikToks. Who in the room right now knows about this idea? Nick, and all he knows is knees. All I know is knees. Knees? Knees like the body part. knows about this idea? Nick, and all he knows is knees. All I know is knees. Knees? Knees like the body part.

Knees? Like your knees, your kneecaps. Wait, before... Hold on, hold on. Let me get a camera on you. Nick, do you... So all that you have heard, have you literally just heard the word knees? John said, remind me on Monday about knees.

So I can't even ask you if you think it's a good idea. You don't even know what the idea is. No, no idea. Does anybody else... No one knows. This is just in your brain you if you think it's a good idea. You don't even know what the idea is. No, no idea. Does anybody else? No one knows. This is just in your brain. It's one of those things, though. Whenever John calls his shot.

If you were to just pass out and die, no one would know your idea. No one would ever have heard it. Okay, John is now taking his pants off. If you're listening to this episode, go to YouTube, KC Radio, subscribe and watch this so you can see him in his yellow underpants. Those are a color. He's now playing a song. Wait, I want to put on a regular version.

What is this? We're going down, down. What song is this? This is We're Going Down. Okay, I'm watching John's knees. Weird white man knees. Lumpy, strange knees. His pants around his ankles.

He's just... Is this it? Is this it? Oh, you do? I've done that. Okay. So I was going to say, this might be a TikTok too where you just wiggle your knees and people are just like, yeah, it's the knees guy.

John, turn to the left. Turn to the left. So you're singing with your knees. I'm telling you right now, this is a billion dollar TikTok idea. Show it to pass. The man is making his knees sing. Hold on.

Your dick is just in it. Step back. Cover your dick up and make your knees talk. But them knees do. Make them knees talk. Have you been practicing with this song? The knees are singing. They're about to belt it out.

Flexing those knees. I don't know. This is going to get so many followers. You're rich, dude. You're rich. I know. This is it. What's the account going to be called?

I don't know. It's got to just be like something like the knees guy. You know what I mean? Bro, like I was fucking just doing it like out of the shower and I was just like, we're going. I was like just doing it out of the shower and I was just like we're going I was like this is to just clarify for anyone who's listening John had his pants around his ankles

his knees are like bumpy white guy knees that look like faces that's not just you a lot of people have like knees that there's the mouth and there's the chin and it looks like a face and he was kind of locking his knees. Imagine you lock your knee and let your knee go.

Lock your knee and let your knee go. So it looks like the faces are singing. So he was doing that on beat to Sugar. And also it's good for like because white people, we dance to lyrics. So I can dance to the lyrics. I can't dance to the beat. We just kind of do those things. Like we do.

Those are our dance moves. We just move your knees awkwardly. Do you think you can do, like, a ballad? That's what I would want to see. Oh, I don't know. Adele is going to be my next one. Which one? I don't know.

Rolling in my knees. Because also, I'm going to design my knees. I'm going to dress my knees. Got it. Like, maybe my outfit. And it'll start. There'll be, like, a zoom in on the knee but like in the outfit you see maybe a punk rock outfit or maybe

an opera gown if I'm doing Adele. So you'll color it but then you'll have like fabric like clothing on it kind of like. Well no no no I'll be wearing a whole outfit. So it's not like each knee individually dressed. But yeah I was thinking maybe some hair taped up above the knee. Because I think if you have a mouth it would really

drive it home. If I have. If there was like a mouth drawn on. Oh, no, I think I like it better like this. A little abstract. You know, you got to use the brain. Like, oh, okay, I see. I don't want to let my viewer feel the passion, not tell them. It's like when you say, like, look at that cloud.

What do you see? Yeah, yeah, yeah. As Dave would say, a roch blotch test. Yeah, man. And the key, though, I'm telling you, the key is going to be the name. I know. It's got to be, like, either something super simple where it's like you're the knees guy, or it's got to be, like, a play on words or something funny.

Knee banging? Knee banging. Like, head banging? But, no, it's not all going to be head banging stuff. Knee banging sounds perverted cause I'm just thinking of like bones or no bones you know

yeah yeah yeah knee banging I'm picturing somebody putting your dick behind the back of someone's knee yeah yeah which would work who amongst us

I know have you no fuck no I'm not a pervert don't fuck no me I think I'm gonna fuck a knee soon I think I'm gonna

get a foot job soon and I think I'm gonna also twirl like that oh I've fucked a soul before. Have you? Yeah. Like, not like fucked a soul, like S-O-L-E. I've fucked plenty of souls.

I want to fuck two feet together. Every person I've ever fucked had a soul. Not afterwards. Not when you were done with them. But like, I've fucked like an S-O-L, but not like standing up. One foot? No, no, souls. Two souls. Yeah, like, I want to fuck somebody who can be like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was like, S so well but not like standing up one foot? no no soles two soles

yeah like I want to fuck somebody who can be like that yeah yeah yeah but it was like it wasn't like but I want to do it strictly to check off the box

because I don't think it's going to feel like it is very quickly like I have just fucking a foot oh I'm so happy by the way Adriana Cechik is not a fan of 69ing

which I think is just the final like nail in the coffin for my argument how do you know this? 69ed with her over the weekend. She was on Plug Talk. I've been texting John about this.

We have to get Adam on the show. No Jumper, Adam from No Jumper and his fiance, Lana the Plug, have just I mean, it's now the second best idea next to knees TikTok. But they just. I know there's so many who want to fuck my knees.

Yeah. Oh, I don't let them. Well, probably not. For money. There's probably some creeps, like some creepy dudes out there who want to fuck your knees. Yeah, for sure. Not many. But all you need is one.

All you need is one whale. If I. But Adam and Lena have, their new show, show Plug Talk they just do an interview and then they fuck that person they just fuck that guest so it's like a 40 minute interview and then a 20 minute sex session

where they just do porn and it's the most brilliant idea I've ever heard of it's awesome for a guy I think they made this for me because it's like I've always said

I want to watch the porn in the beginning where they do an interview and they ask you all those probing questions and that's like mostly what it is sometimes they get into like sometimes they're like talking about the said, like, I want to watch the porn in the beginning where they do an interview and they ask you all those probing questions. And that's, like, mostly what it is. Sometimes they get into, like, sometimes they're, like, talking about the business. You know what I mean?

Adriana Cechik was talking about, like, how much she charges. And you know what Adriana Cechik did? She went on eBay. She bought every autograph of hers. All of them. She was like, I'm sick of these people making money off of my autographs. Now the only way you can get an autograph is, like, from me and I can charge whatever I want for it. She bought all her autographs.

Really? Because all these, you know, porn convention guys come me and I can charge whatever I want for it. She bought all her autographs. Really? Because all these porn convention guys come up and they give you a stack of paper. Back when you were young you were just like,

oh, they'll pay me $100 for it, whatever. She bought them all back. And I was like, am I going to jerk off to this or am I going to learn something about business?

But what a brilliant idea. Yeah. Adam has just, when he told us that he has a whole second house to do porn in. The porn house. That he bought with porn money. I was like, you got him doing it wrong, man.

But he, who is an innovator, a trailblazer, would be like, yo, that knees thing, man. I wish I thought of that. With the name, with the name, the name. We got to have a good name. Harmony. Harmony. Harmonies good name. Harmony. Harmony. Harmonies. Whoa.

Harmony. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nikki H. I think I love it. Somebody go on TikTok right now and get it before somebody else does. Wait, you're going to make a whole TikTok or use the hashtag? No, make a whole TikTok. See, now here's the thing. I don't know because here's the thing.

That's funny. Zach, go get a Harmony. You know that guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, now here's the thing. I don't know because here's the thing. That's funny. Zach, go get a Harmony. You know that guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not the name of the account. Okay. So it's like sometimes you don't need – I think we probably should just to make it easier because I – like I searched for Bones or No Bones and I found the guy.

And it probably would have been easier if it was just at Bones or No Bones, but it wasn't. It was like at like Steve Smith who owns the dog. But I'm like it doesn't necessarily have to be the actual account name. Has anyone checked on that dog? He's got to be. When that dog dies, he'll be like, it's the ultimate No Bones day.

He probably won't do it. Is it a No Bones day forever? Yeah, that's a good note. If it was me... He probably won't do it with his corpse. I would. Would you not be like one last hurrah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd stop him and he dies.

Yeah. Do it on the second floor. Yeah. Coming in hot. Starting the new year. Coming in hot. Harmonies is taken by a big account? By K-N-E-E-S?

How about Harmony? Just K-N-E-E-S? How about Harmony? Just K-N-E-E. What are they, what is this account? Can you find, like, what are they doing on the account?

What if this, imagine if this is taken. Imagine if there's someone out there just dancing with their knees. Just like a super popular account. Everyone's been listening to this and like,

yeah, it exists, man. I follow it. You should go on TikTok before you predict that you're going to get famous on it.

There's no way that someone's singing with the skin of their knees. Like, they could be like on their knees or singing or something, but they're not like doing what you're going to get famous on it. There's no way that someone's singing with the skin of their knees. Like, they could be, like, on their knees or singing or something, but they're not, like, doing what you're doing

with the face of your knees. Right? Nope. This girl started this account five days ago. Oh, this goddamn bitch. I'll be honest, I think I had this idea

five days ago. But it's nothing, right? All right, we got to bully that girl out of it. Yeah.'s nothing, right? Alright, we gotta bully that girl out of it. Alright, so cyber bully this girl. Or, I mean, you could just be like at Feidelberg and he does the knees thing. Yeah, that's probably safer because

once it goes super viral and everyone follows it and everyone loves it, it would be like famous. And then like one day I'm just like, hey, listen to my podcast. You like the word cunt fuck you it's just been this really wholesome knee singing it's like hey would you fuck ben diesel's pussy like yeah this isn't the content we like like we like we like wholesome knee dancing we like the knee we like you for knee dancing, dude. Speaking of Vin Diesel, fucking Vin Diesel with a pussy, we have an interview with Eagle Witt coming out in this episode,

who's a new up-and-coming comic on the New York scene. And we talk about Stone Cold. I'm going to let this one marinate so you can have this in the back of your head by the time the interview airs. Would you fuck Stone Cold with a pussy going to let this one marinate so you can have this in the back of your head by the time the interview airs. Would you fuck Stone Cold with a pussy or Beyonce with a dick? That, later on. That's what we call a tease and a biz. But the knee dancing, I think it could be on your account. You're just John Feidelberg, the knee dancer.

And we can always do hashtag harmonies. Other people can do it too they can they can duet with you yeah yeah maybe they could do it with like a different body part you're doing the knees they're doing their elbows you you gotta do bohemian rhapsody but only one part and allow four other people to well i guess two other people yeah yeah yeah but i don't really so here's my thing and i've been thinking about this I'm glad we're kind of workshopping this here. Like, I can't just have, like, one knee is one person. You're not good enough for that.

I'm not good enough for that. Why don't you strive? It's just also not as interesting. Why don't you strive? It's more fun if it's like, I can't take my... Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro. If you strive for greatness, and you can have one knee doing lead vocals and one knee doing backup or something like that, come on, bro.

But what if there's four people in the band? Fall Out Boy's got four people in the band. They're not all singing? No, you're right. But in the chorus, they are. In the chorus, they're all going. That's fine. That's why in the chorus,

you can just do your knees. But if you do a song where there's like a baby, it's cold outside. And the other one's like, I really got to go. I'm going to rape you. One knee talking to the other. I could probably do that one. I could do that one.

And honestly, this could spiral into like. My right, I will say this before people even get on me about it. My right knee's better. My right knee's the front man, for sure. That's a thing. That's for sure a thing. My dad has his his hips when he dances like one hip moves and one hip doesn't and uh you know being the gentleman from the era that he is

he calls it his white hip and his black it's like this is my white hip and it just sticks and his black hip he's like throws it around dad's throwing ass throw that ass in a circle dad um i think you can even... I want to see you do like... I want to see you dress your knee up like Abraham Lincoln and do a fucking... Four score and seven years ago and it's your knee with a top hat?

And we'll move on. I know people are like, I get it, John, you have one good idea in your life. But this is a good one. And I think it will be good because we'll get interaction where people can request. Do this. What song would you like to perform? Hold on, because you could then, you don't even

only have to do songs. You could do the famous sounds on TikTok. Yes. That way you're doing trends, but in your own way. Everything is just instead of your face and your mouth and singing and shit, you're just doing with your knees. Zach's like jacked up over here. Yes. Hell yeah. This is it. Everything is just instead of your face and your mouth and singing and shit, you're just doing it with your knees. Zach's like jacked up over here. Yeah.

Yes. Hell yeah. This is it. You know what? This is disgusting. Because this is what we've been reduced to. No, and I'm not saying, like, this is, like, and not that we were ever, like, Pulitzer Award winners, right? But there was a time where we would see a topic

and a headline and read an article and we would come up with a take and we would opine. We would write. I would have structure. I'd use paragraphs even. And then even when we started doing podcasts, it was like, let's do a segment

and we got to have an interview and we got to do a discussion. And now it's just further further reduced to a pile of rubble where we just sing with our knees but here's how i'm changing and we're excited about it here's how i'm changing the game because and this is how far my fantasy has gone this is how sure i am that you're gonna become huge yeah yeah when i'm on kimmel talking about this naturally how many about how many followers do you have at this point? Like 100 million? 23.

23 million. 23 million I think gets you on Kimmel. And I was like, I got, look, I'm wearing pants because you don't give it away for free. So I'm wearing pants on set. There's going to be knee fetish people, no doubt. And I hold a fire. I hold a flashlight to the TikTok society. And I go, look, Jimmy, let's not pretend I'm doing anything special or talented here.

Let's talk about other stuff. And Jimmy's like, whoa, what? You're more than just your needs? Yeah, he's so accepting of what he is as a society. He realizes he's a worthless piece of shit. This is crazy. There's self-awareness in the TikTok world now. This becomes a commentary on society.

Yeah, but look, Jimmy, I know. When Jimmy's like, how'd you get this idea? I'm like, I don't know, Jimmy. I was fucking being dumb. That's what it is. Even the text to Nick was, I have the dumbest idea ever. And let's just call it what it is, Jimmy. Dumb stuff.

Yeah, and Jimmy's like, why don't you zip your pants off so everyone can see your knees? I'm like, I'm not doing that for free, Jimmy. Not anymore. I need you to wear shorts with knee pads. You always got to have them covered. You know what I mean? Like a hand model who always has their gloves on. I would love someone like, did you catch a glimpse of his?

You're never nude. You're in the shower. You've got knee pads on. No one's ever seen his knees unless he's performing. I'm going to stop exercising just in case I tear my ACL. My ACL career is over. You've got to get your knees insured. I'm going to tear my ACL and I ruin my TikTok career.

You've got to get. You know what, everyone? Remember the legend about how J-Lo's ass is insured for like a billion dollars? You got to get your knees insured for like, I don't know, a couple hundred grand. The knees, the harmonies. Knee, knee, knee, knee, knee. We are the knights who go knee. Knights who say knee.

Wait, hold on. If harmonies taken, do symphony. Symphony. Symphonies? I like harmonies way better. You could also do like, you know, like the band was Fifth Harmony's taken, do Symphony. Symphony. Symphony. I like Harmony way better. You could also do like, you know, like the band was Fifth Harmony, so you could add something to Harmony. You could just make something Harmony, and then it doesn't matter.

John's Harmony. Whatever, you know? TikTok Harmony. We'll flesh that out. No. Nobody steal any of these. No, yeah. Accounts.

This one. Yeah, everyone just get every account right now we have we have about 12 hours I hang on we got we got so we got a lot that we got we got an eagle wit on the show like I said we also got a joke the rose on the show You know him from the Chrissy D, Sal Vulcano camp. How about that Impractical Joker guy quitting? That made waves. I know. Dude, I was on Let's Hear It podcast last night.

I think I'm just on that show now. They ask you to do the podcast every week. I think I've done that podcast five of the last six weeks. I didn't know you did it once. Let us know. We'll promote your new podcast. New project over here. I'm on lightscare in Barcelona.

And the... Fuck, what was I saying? Why did I bring that up uh Joe DeRosa oh yeah yeah they were all big they were all like

Tommy Smokes was like this ruined my year uh people were shedding tears over it it was that's wild I mean I don't know what the business side of it is

I'm sure that dude owns you know his chunk of the show and that's that I'm sure it's still still cash checks or whatever but um

that's a lot to walk away from I told this story probably one of the best gigs ever legitimately yeah like those guys I'm sure there's still cash checks or whatever, but that's a lot to walk away from. I told this story. Probably one of the best gigs ever, legitimately. Yeah. Like those guys, was it four of them? Yep. Four guys, now three, hanging out, doing their thing, just fucking around with people, making millions. Yeah, they said it's like, I have not seen much.

I will tell a story that I told on my other podcast last night. But the, they were saying it's like, it's like Ken Jack was saying, it's like almost like, it was like podcasting before podcasting. It was like, because it is just friends hanging out and like being, and I don't know if it was technically before podcasting, but you know the point. Yeah, yeah. But it was the reason for one of the most pointed criticisms I've ever received. Oh, wow. My ex-girlfriend from back in the day, she was a Barstool Sports employee.

Oh, gosh. She was obsessed with Inglourious. Not Inglourious. Impractical Jokers. Impractical Jokers. And would watch it all the time. And one day, I just had enough. It didn't really do it for me.

And I know I wanted to tell the story to Salvo Cano one day, because I know it was going to come on at some point. And I was like, I just can't. We've been watching Impractical Jokers for six hours. I haven't really been paying attention. I'm so sick of it. We can't. You've got to stop watching Impractical Jokers.

And she very casually, very calmly looked at me me and said everyone at barstool is like this you just don't like people who are funnier than you and more successful than you and i was like oh my god oh my god okay i'm gonna leave now because you're right because you're 100 right that is the issue here it's that they are funnier and they are more successful and it eats me up inside that you like them more because funny's supposed to be my thing and for some reason this other man's making you laugh but that's what I do that's what I bring to the table

and it fucking gets me in my own head and it's and now you've made it clear to me that that is what's happening is that they are fluffing you and I'm just a stud horse now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go sing with my a stud horse. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sing with my knees.

Dude, that is one of the meanest things someone can say to a person at Barstool Sports. Yeah, yeah. That is, that's it. She was 100% right.

Absolutely. Not just about me, but about everyone at Barstool. The impractical jokers are the the Nickelback or the... It's almost like the Adrian Beltre, too, in a way. Nickelback was exactly what I said last night.

Yeah. They're wildly popular. They tour. They sell out. They're on season 14, I think, or something, signed on. They're like the Always Sunny of reality TV show shit. And yet there will be people like, the Impractical Jugglers aren't funny.

I don't know why. They almost... They don't need to do any of this because they're wildly successful. But it's like, they could so quickly shift that narrative. When people are like, it's not really funny. It's like, Sal Vulcano is like a wildly successful stand-up comic who works in that industry and is really funny. Sal Vulcano is a wildly successful stand-up comic

who works in that industry and is very funny. And you think that when he gets on the mic and starts riffing and doing fucking improv that it's not funny? Fuck you. But yeah, the amount of people who try to... I don't think I've ever seen one episode, to be honest. I would not watch it because my ex.

You should hate Sal, Jimmy and whatever their names are because that was the meanest thing but the rest of the world out there if you're like no that's not funny it's like uh it's like when people say about Kevin Hart too it's like yeah right I mean there's a part of like I don't think Kevin Hart's like the funniest stand-up ever it's like, you can't say the dude's not funny. He's a fucking hysterical person. But anyway, Joe DeRosa is a part of that, you know, Chrissy D, Sal Vacano, that whole gang, and has a new sandwich shop open in Manhattan. Brooklyn?

Manhattan. Lower East Side. East Village. So he's got it in Lower East Side, so he's going to be on the show, too, as well. And, of course, top fives. We've got a shit ton to get into because it's been a little while. It's crazy. If you miss a week, it's like we haven't talked about the bowl game getting canceled.

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it was never when I was younger it was just like I mean I don't look like Jack but I was just like whatever and when you start to get older or if your body

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Go to trueclassic.com Use promo code KFC. Get 20% off. That's trueclassic.com Promo code KFC. 20% off. I had a crisis today, crisis today john i mean we've been off now for a long time and we were supposed to go to the arizona bowl and that was supposed to kind of uh break up the week and then that obviously got canceled which let's talk about that real quick

that was crazy uh and i think a lot of people i was i was running my mouth a lot on twitter and i think a lot of people were misconstruing what i was saying they were calling me hypocritical because uh i was like they were like oh what now you're like super worried about the coronavirus and you're and i was like it's not about me it's about them the people who were talking shit about our bowl game getting canceled are they are the type of people who were talking shit about our bowl game getting canceled, they are the type of people who were clutching their pearls over COVID. Now turning around, in some cases blatantly hoping, like tweeting, like I hope there's enough positive cases to get this game canceled.

And then, you know, you look up their tweets where it's like, we have to shut down schools and malls because COVID is going to kill everybody. Like how quickly you jump off the, if I take COVID super seriously, I'll get followers for that. How quickly you jump off that train and jump on the let's hate on Barstool train, even if it means you're basically rooting for COVID. And so I don't care, but I think it's very interesting how quickly those motherfuckers changed their tune just to jump on and pile on a Barstool loss, which is a loss monetarily. But it's – I don't know.

It's not going to derail anything. We're just going to do it next year. Everybody's canceling bowl games. It's not like it was – if the game – if we played the game and the teams were like, oh, my God, this was terrible. Barstool was in over their heads my god this was terrible barstool like was in over their heads that would be a barstool hell wouldn't stop saying the n-word this was just a covid problem that's what the whole broadcast was just like fucking dave and danis on the n-word for three hours that would be that'd be a problem

this is just like COVID fucked us over. And the amount of grave stomping and grave dancing from people who fancy themselves holier-than-thou high horse motherfuckers. It's just crazy. What was funny, and I threw this in there. I didn't care about the game. But the teams do. It sounded corny when I was like, you're taking that away from those kids. And people are like, you really care about the game. But the teams do. It sounded corny when I was like, you're taking that away from those kids. And people are like, you really care about that?

I'm like, I don't, but they do. The coaches, the families, those kids play their ass off, and they want to play in that bowl game, and you fuck them over. I don't care about that, but they do. I would never play in any bowl game, by the way. Not after a fucking – That injury sparked the debate. I think he only sprained his ankle, by the way oh not after not after that that injury like sparked the debate i think he only sprained his ankle by the right he is so he ended up being fine but

what's his name uh qb on old message barstool sports don't even know what bowl game you're talking about it's the old miss quarterback but i in the first quarter i i said i would never play in a bowl game that wasn't the college football playoff. Huh? Matt Corral. Corral. I knew it was the – I was about to say Matt Carroll. Should have got credit for that.

If it wasn't the football playoff or like a super rivalry, like if somehow you're rival and you end up in a bowl game, I can see you playing in that. I would never play in any bowl game that didn't matter, that I didn't want to play in. Like if you want to play – If you're a prospect. Yeah, if you're a prospect. If you're a legitimate prospect. Yeah want to play in. If you want to play... If you're a prospect. Yeah, if you're a prospect.

If you're a legitimate prospect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you have a future. And then some people are like, oh, really? Well, why don't you just sit out all of these games once you're mathematically eliminated? I was like, I might do that too. Yeah. I said, I would not play in any game that doesn't affect my draft stock.

So if I'm sitting out starting game three and then people start to question, am I a good teammate? Am I a diva? Am I going to be a good fit? A smart businessman. Right. But if that somehow hurt my draft stock because it was too early, then I wouldn't do that.

But if you told me to sit out the last six games of the year and the NFL's not going to care. Okay. Yeah, and it has been realized that they don't care. They don't care. They shouldn't care. Like, I can't imagine playing in some of those bowl games. It's like, like, I actually think playing in the Barstool Bowl game would have been cool because a lot of these kids know us,

and I think they would. But some of the other ones, like, you're going to play in the fucking blah-blah-blah dot-com hole? Fuck that, man. I would go out there and just dick around. Let's treat this like an all-star game. The NHL all-star game where they don't hit each other. No tackling.

This is two-hand touch. I will stop and I will take a knee if you do hand touch me. So that didn't end up happening. We're off this whole time. The time between Christmas and new year's is truly where people like us or i i'm gonna speak for myself people that i used to be got the man i used to be where we truly shine where the sloth comes out where the gluttony is on display where it's like, I'm going to do nothing.

And I tell people, even if you get antsy, do nothing now for you in like six weeks, who swamped at work. Cause there's going to come a time where you're working late in like early February. And you're like, all I want to do is sit on the couch.

And it's like you, and you told your couch, no six weeks ago. Cause you were getting antsy, you know? So even when you get bored, power through it. Do nothing. Get fat.

Be a gross, disgusting human. Be a drain on society for that five, six, seven, ten days. And then today rolls around. We're recording this the Monday after. And I've always said I think this is the worst day of the year when you're younger. It actually come out the other side when you get older, because this can also mean you

have had your kids and your wife for 10 straight days. I can remember being like, I gotta get the fuck back to work. Get me out of here. But when you don't have those responsibilities, this is one of the worst days where you're just like, ah, back to the grind. It's cold. It's dark.

It's awful. And today, John, I had no pants, bro. I had no pants. I saw these tweets. Severe lack of pants. I'm wearing your pants today. I noticed that as well. Because I have no pants.

How do you – your weight fluctuates with such ferocity. If you mean fluctuates by just going up. But like in that week, you're just like – Tough switch up. You don't have – is that a pair of pants? How's that going to hold me? No, well, because I've also like apparently lost some pants. So it's a matter of like I couldn't find pants and I don't have any

pants. I have a bunch of pairs of the Moon Man lounge pants that are just black joggers that I just wear all the time. I bleach stained one pair. I couldn't find another pair and the third pair were like, I couldn't wear them

out in public because I've been wearing them for seven straight days. They were just disgusting. And then I put on some other sweatpants that just came out of the wash that are too small because I'm fucking fat and they shrunk a little bit

and my dick was fucking out. So I can't wear these out. No, I couldn't. I couldn't wear them out in public. Because you know what, a sweatpants, you can talk about the gray sweatpants dick print that's very like that could be hot right if you got like the right if you're having a good dick day if you're having like a normal dick day it just kind of looks like a yeah when you have a little dick poking your pants if you have a big dick that's

kind of going down and you have the prints on your leg, that can get, you know, ooh. When you just have your little button, it's like it's pitching a tent. You know, you just kind of, like your pants just go like this. You just have your pants, that, you know. Your cartoon nose. When you had a cartoon nose in your pants, I'm like, I can't wear this out. And then I tried to slide on some jeans that I put on jeans that were so not going to fit me.

By the time I pulled one leg over my knee, I said, nope. Usually you get them on and you're like, here's the moment of truth. Three, two, one. And you try to button and you're like, oh, no. You start doing lunges around the house, trying to stretch them out a little bit. This was, I could feel how they were around my calf. And I'm looking at where the other side of the waist is.

I'm looking at my waist. I'm like, nope, nope. I got no pants, John. I got no pants. Put on a pair of green Sad Boy sweatpants, because I got no pants. Bro, you got to get it together. This fucking guy.

No, no, no. Let me tell you how this segment was supposed to go. You're supposed to be like, yeah, man, I feel you, dude. Not, you got to get it together. No, dude, you got to get it together, bro. Yo, when you're coming out and you're telling me you don't own pants. I got no pants. I got nothing to say, but you got to get it together, bro. Yo, when you're coming out and you're telling me you don't own pants. I got no pants. I got nothing to say, but you got to get it together.

I got no pants that fit, man. Like, hey, do you have pants? You haven't worn it. My answer is no. You haven't comfortably worn a t-shirt since you were 12, and you're coming at me? That's my parents' fault. That's not your parents' fault. That's your fucking fault. That's DNA.

There's DNA on my fucking nips. You want to finish on my chest? That is what I was thinking. I will be honest. I know. I was too. Just babies on your chest. You have children, dude.

You have to live. You can't just fucking get so fat in a week. You have children, dude. You have to live. You can't just fucking get so fat in a week you run out of pants. I felt like Scott Calvin in Santa Claus. But I'm 45 pounds in a week, doc. No, bro. Speaking of Scott Calvin in Santa Claus, I'm not going to be able to find it. No. I'm going to find it. Someone favorited a tweet over the holiday of me looking fat like three years ago. That's rude.

You know what? You've got to get it together. That's just rude. It's just rude behavior. How fat did you look? They favorited these two fucking tweets, bro. Well, this is old office, 10,

16, 18, where you do look like Scott Calvin. Oh, that was right. Okay. Yeah. So this is a picture of John.

Again, if you're not watching on YouTube, if you aren't, you should go. John is doing an electric chair. I don't even look that fast. Watching the, watching the Red Sox.

And I, I commented below, bee sting. Evidently, I'm allergic with Scott Cowan. You don't look that fat, but that does look like... It looks, yeah. I don't look great, but it's not like... Yeah, I mean, I look pretty fucking fat, dude.

I'm trying to give it to you here, but this fucking... If you search from KFC Barstool, just allergic. Yeah, bee obesity and whatever. But it is, it was fucking. But like who's digging, I guess someone, maybe someone's talking about Santa Claus and Scott Calvin and you could stumble upon it somehow. But I mean. It's just like.

It's just rude. That's not what I need on fucking Christmas Day. And like why do you need to favorite that? Why do you need to like that? Like, I got to make sure I have this for all time. I got to make sure. Actually, I don't know. It's pretty funny.

Maybe I would want to favorite it. Maybe I would want to make sure I got that on deck. You ever see the time that Feidelberg looked like fucking Scott Calvin? It's just fat as shit, man. All right. I'm pretty fat. I get it. Getting fat is the worst, bro.

What are you weighing now? 200. 200? 200? I weighed myself, bro. What are you weighing now? 200. 200? Yeah. I weighed myself this morning. What are you? 219. But you have muscle.

Yeah, but I was still like, hmm. I mean, I should be like 180, given my body. Yeah. Like, I'm 20 over. That's bad. And I'm super lucky with my metabolism. I should be like 250. And I don't look great at all. I'm starting to look fat. No, we've done this before. I'm super lucky with my metabolism. It should be like 250. And I don't look great at all.

I'm starting to look fat. You look, no, we've done this before. I'm going to do it again. You look completely normal. Normal. Yeah.

Do we, I definitely, God, don't you wish, don't you wish that they had like body dysmorphia goggles or something?

Yeah. Where like you could see, you could get rid of your body dysmorphia or I could see what you, if I could put on, I think that's just eyes. But like, I would want, I want to be able to look at John and see what John sees when he looks at

himself. Ah, yeah. So you would understand where I'm coming from. Right. So when you're like, dude, you look completely normal.

I want to be like, but this is what it looks like to me. And then you'd be like, oh, I get it because that looks terrible. And then the world or is body – I think we've talked about this before. Is body dysmorphia just a ruse? Is body dysmorphia just something ugly people invented to get through the day? To assure themselves, I don't actually look like this. There's a disorder called body dysmorphia.

Everyone else who looks at me thinks I look normal you portray yourself as uglier no no no you're just ugly and fat no cause I think I've done that before where I've been like in really good shape and I've been like we talk about this too where it's like I get how anorexia happens

cause you still never look good enough it's almost like when I've been like bigger like lifting weights and stuff, I'm like, I'm so skinny. I'm so skinny. I've got to get bigger. I've got to get bigger. People are like, you look huge. I'm like, no, no, no. Well, let me ask you a question. Do you ever just look at

Christian Judd's Twitter account and just have... You just have a doppelganger that you can look to and be like, how would I look with long hair I don't know this one this guy

this one's fucking with me dude this one is fucking with me the latest Feidelberg the latest Feidelberg variant

in the Feidelverse is it's fucking with me I look at that guy I can't believe it it was Chaps Chaps

it looks like me Kate P, and Stingray Steve. Now, are people saying PFT because he has long hair? Is that it? Because I don't think I can. But me and PFT. He overwhelmingly looks like you. People think me and PFT look alike. Okay.

All right. I mean, look at that. Come on, dude. Look at that one. Wait, go back. Go back. Go back. Because he does have, I will give you this.

This is no shot to Christian. I don't want to be rude. But he does have bigger cheeks than you. But that one there, the cheeks aren't coming out. That is Feidelberg with long hair and a thought on the brain. That quote. I mean, Jackie, that's crazy, right? The quote's on brand, too.

It looks so much like. He's going, this is hell. I'm in hell. So he, I've talked to him. I have a video of you in this place. Isn't that Disney from the Rat Family Vacation? Oh, that's definitely Disney. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that is, it's. Jackie loves this. I can't believe it. I mean, the... I think I'm giving him the number one title. I think so, too.

Does he dethrone directs from Germany? I think so, yeah. The condom ad from Germany. The condom, I mean, that's still a tough one. The condom one from Germany was so... The thing was, you had hair like that almost at one point. Not quite because that's a really bad haircut, but it was shorter like that. This guy, I mean, the hair.

God, it really is... It's amazing. It's truly amazing. When I saw this, when I see these, when the doppelgangers come across my timeline, I get excited. I like shout out. I'm like, yes, another one.

The final verse has got to be like 50 deep now. It's crazy. I did like your tweet about that where you're like, what's crazy is it's just another person for me. But Christian is now about to learn that he has 50 people who look exactly like him. Christian's going to get people sending him pictures of that girl in the Illini hat and the German condom guy and the tomato and the blobfish. I mean, he's like, oh, my God. I thought I was just a regular guy. I found out that I happen to look like this blogger,

and it also turns out tomatoes and animals and all sorts of people. So he is oddly enough enough i think he has a show so i asked him to come on and i think he's going to uh i think he made it sound he's going to come here i would love for you guys to be in person i was like let's just i was thinking let's just zoom and get you guys on the same screen but i think he's gonna come in um he was asking to bring like his podcast partner i was like, bring whatever the fuck you want. I just got to get you side by side with my man here. I mean, he's got to grow a mustache or something now.

It's crazy. It doesn't make sense. It's bananas. And that tweet, when he was like, today I found out that I look like this guy. It's kind of crazy. You don't know the half of it, dude. You don't know the half of it. I do feel like it is It's like kind of crazy. Yeah. And then I was like, then you get to know the half of it, dude. You know, the half of it.

Like, I do feel like it is, um, almost like in, in Loki when like, um, when, um,

uh, Owen Wilson has to sit you down and like explain to you or the matrix or something where it's like, okay, this is not, this is even deeper than you think. Like it's a lot, man.

It's a lot to take in. Now the final verse runs deep. I mean, maybe it's the Christian verse. Yeah. Maybe you're just the look the Christianverse. Yeah, but I just... Maybe you're just the lookalike of this guy, you know? I still think you're King Fidelberg. You're the king of this universe.

I own the realm? Yes, yeah. I like to think so. Probably just because... I like to think in this fucked up world, I'm at least the most important person. You're the best of the ugly guys who look like this. Right?

Or maybe the tomato is king and everyone else from there on out. But yeah, you are King Feidelberg of the Feidelverse. So anyway, I got no pants. What do you got? You want to do a little notebook?

Johnny Notebook? The first Johnny Note notebook of 2022. These are still 2021 thoughts, though, right? Unless these are brand new ones. A little bit of both. So these are the last godforsaken thoughts to come out of that godforsaken brain of 2021 and the first of 2022. I had a dream I committed suicide the other night.

Let me just interrupt you real quick Jackie Jackie has quit on us she's done talking to the mic I just you guys are we broke her

I thought that I could fix you I wanted to change you or I'm done for 2022 she gave up Jackie joins a long line of women. I know. Remember?

Remember? Remember? Jackie, I'll get you their numbers. They have a group. That same ex I was talking about in Practical Jokers. Do you remember when Ellie Schnitt came through here? Oh, my God. We broke that girl real quick.

That was light work. The amount of women professionally or otherwise who have said they're going to change us. I said, I can't believe she quit. I can't believe she quit already.

I thought she was doing okay. Do you feel like I was making a difference? I thought she was making headway. I do. Yeah, I think you're making headway. Listen, the jar alone,

the existence of the jar. No, you guys dramatically increased your usage of suicidal. Okay, that might be true because the jar is so much fun. But it made me think every time I did it. That's something. It made me stop. I still give up. I still give up. She's like, don't worry, I'm still not working anymore.

Still packing it in. There is no changing us. That's for certain. You can strive to, but you'll never change us, but you can maybe get us to think about changing. But I would quit that job too. It's like there's no point in getting people to think about changing. What are you, training a dinosaur?

It's not going to happen. Crazy. You're fighting a losing battle like if you got to us when we were like 27 and 25 or whatever maybe there was a shot but right now old dog new tricks not happening I'll enforce the jar

but that's it yeah the jar we're on our third jar I guess I probably owe that one a couple bucks yeah that was well your dream your sleeping self certainly does. What happened in your dream? I fucking did. This is kind of good stuff. I have a feeling it's not going to be.

We're doing a 20 spot? I just got 20s on me. Alright, Sinatra. Big Bill Feidelberg. Here's what happened in my dream. Make it two. I killed myself. so here's what happened in my dream it is make it two I

I killed myself I never actually died so I guess I didn't kill myself but I here's the good stuff so and I think I've reinvented

suicide a little bit here so after afterwards I thought about it more here's what happened in the dream I put a bag over my head and I put duct tape around my throat,

but I opened it like in Four Brothers. When they're like, no one ever goes with a bag, I'd seen that movie, so I knew how to get out of that one. So what I did. What are you talking about? Everybody always pokes a hole in it. No? No, that's what they say in Four Brothers.

No one ever goes with a bag. I remember as a kid being like, remember that, in case anyone ever tries to strangle you in Detroit. Shout out to Tyreek and Mark Wahlberg and the other two. And so then I was like, I'm not going down that easy. So I got a pillow, right? And I fucking, I duct taped my face really quick. And I did tight and a lot of duct tape real quick,

and then no second guesses. You can't get it off. Too late, yeah. You just die. So then when I got conscious, I thought of fucking something funny. So when you're going to kill yourself that way, you have to...

You're talking about pillow suicide. The pillow with the duct tape. Pillow asphyxiation. Yeah, yeah. So you got to make sure you empty the room out because you can't find a sharp object or something like that. So I was thinking how fucking funny would it be if I killed myself in an empty room, right? Right? But, like, I was completely naked.

And I put in, like, a butt plug. And I had, like, a leash on or something like that. So when someone finds me, they're just like What happened here? The fuck happened? Because that's how you live in infamy. We don't know

if he killed himself. We found him alone in an 8x12 room with a pillow on his head and a butt plug in his ass. I create a murder mystery is my last thing. He's so fucking sick, dude. They're like, he might have been doing a sex thing. I don't fucking know.

And there's no other footprints. There's no fingerprints. There's no other sign of anybody. It's just you with a pillow all wrapped around your head. Pillow, pillow, bejeweled butt plug. We won't go with a leash because the leash is a little too over the top that it was a sex thing. I could have just been walking around with a butt plug that day.

Are you doing the little bejeweled butt plug or are we going to do like a raccoon tail? Bejeweled. Raccoon tail's a little much. But yeah, that was a dream I had on Christmas Eve. Jackie, you made a good choice. You made a good choice of giving up. Not Christmas Eve. Christmas Day.

Well, we do have to acknowledge one of the single greatest performances Not Christmas Eve. Jackie, you made a good choice. You made a good choice of giving up. Not Christmas Eve. Christmas Day. Christmas Day. Well, we do have to acknowledge one of the single greatest performances in the history of the Internet. Sad Boy Yule Log was 24 hours of greatness. Wait, is this a dream you had during the live stream? No, no, no. It was the next day. It was the next day. After your 24 hours alone? I guess so, yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. My man just spent Christmas alone. Maybe it was two days after. I forget exactly. Death by butt plug. It was after Christmas. I mean, I've never seen anything quite like it. 24 hours was supposed to be like, you were like, I mean, yeah, listen, there's going

to be a lot of time where I'm just going to be texting or sitting there watching TV. And there was like none of that. There was like none of that. It was like 18. How many hours do you think you slept? Eight? I got a full eight in. Yeah. Yeah. So there was i think i think i slept from like one to nine 16 hours 16 hours of performing that's impressive i mean i periodically checking in was so funny like when you're doing the baby Jesus, that's what you were doing, right?

When you were naked? I was telling the story of the baby Jesus. Yeah. The baby Jesus, when you compare some of, like, the highlights and lowlights, like, the baby Jesus, the light mummy was electric, literally.

And then when you dressed yourself up for dinner, like, it was crazy. Like, a red velvet jacket, like, eating a nice dinner. I didn't think that one was weird. That's normal, but compared to the rest. Like you ran the gamut, bro. You went from fucking every different side of it.

What was the weirdest part for you? Baby Jesus? You were naked? No, that was fun. Going to bed, probably. Or any moment. When I woke up in the morning and i had that dm that said i think john's whimpering like people were just watching because it did turn off right it might i knocked

my laptop my charger out oh is that what it was because i luckily nick was on on a background so he switched to the dvd screen okay so there but screen. Okay. So the DVD screen, the second you went to bed, first I tested. I didn't know if you had the sound on. It seems like you shut the sound off on your laptop, right? Oh, I didn't intentionally do that. Oh, okay. Because I played a whole episode of One Thing I Learned at first, and then I was going to build a playlist.

I might have just been asleep not snoring. Yeah, you might have been. But then I just put on the dvd no no no i mean people did hear me snoring at times too oh definitely yeah yeah but then i just decided to put on the dvd screen the entire time yeah just because you could only hear something and then like you could hear you but then they have something to look at the whole time because i've been very stoned watching that DVD screen for about four hours. Oh, yeah.

The people will watch that forever. Yeah. The thought of you, like, just making some sort of whimpering noise during sleep and people watching it. Dude, the one that someone recorded of me, like, eating. Yeah. You couldn't see you, though, right? Yeah. Yeah, that was, like, some exorcism type shit.

Like, that was when they when they're like we have what we believe to be recordings of like Bigfoot yeah yeah they don't have video evidence but listen to these these sounds and all of the scientists

are always like well it's definitely not human we can't tell what it is but we know it's not from humankind that's John at night I don't know what happens to you you freak

this is strange uh oh my oh yeah dude dude that was that I can't believe what happens to you, you freak. This is strange. Oh, my. Oh, yeah. That, I can't believe. You didn't just jump off the balcony. That was crazy. That was crazy.

What were you singing? I couldn't even guess. John, if you missed the 24 hours. Yeah, he's sitting on his balcony. Oh, Christmas tree. Oh, Christmas tree. Let us all remember in our gift giving and merriment i am singing sorry i'll stop and what did they say uh it was no no it was it were are you singing

was the first question are you and then i was like i was trying to repeat it back so i knew people were like yeah i'm singing and then after that i forget what he said but he's like okay uh i was like i'm sorry and then they're like yeah they weren't like mad they were just like very like weird yeah and then they were like they're like at the end they were like you can keep going and i was like no i fucking can't dude the fact you just lit a cigarette too during that so you just had to like finish the cigarette doing the blobfish face after that with the mustache completely upside down and then walking inside and saying well that was the worst thing ever happened to me the perfect turn of events.

Turn yourself into a goddamn meme. But that face, because you don't do much, but you just do the blah face and your shoulders go up. And it's just the ultimate, like, I want to die face. It was so fucking bad. That was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Truly, though. Truly. I mean, you became a picture meme and a video meme. Do matter of... Did you see Glenny Balls in the snow?

Yes. Yes. That was one of the funniest things. That was... I mean, that was... How did a pretty blonde girl do a Lenny Balls face in the snow? Look at that. Look at that.

That's funnier than the final verse. I mean, look at that that is so funny that a little blonde girl can become Fat Glennie in the snow spectacular amazing so yeah there was a 24 hour stream

you dealt with COVID and then you had suicide dreams Dave had the basketball shot oh my god And then you had suicide dreams. And then you had suicide dreams. Damn. Dave had the basketball shot. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, God. Those were... I made a concerted effort like two days.

Not the whole time, but there was like two days actually far apart. I kind of missed a lot of the A, B. It was like yesterday and then the Dave day. This is why I'm always on the internet. I can of missed a lot of the A-B. It was like yesterday and then the Dave day. This is why I'm always on the internet. I can't fucking get off the internet. But I wasn't, I don't think I saw it until the next morning maybe? Or late at night? But I didn't

see this when it first happened. So when I opened up Twitter and I just see someone like, I need to hear your take on Dave's half-court shots. And knowing that Dave sucks at basketball, I was like, oh boy, these are going to be good. And they were even better than I thought. It's crazy.

And you, but you hit the nail on the head. It's the second shot. It's rude. That kid right there should be arrested. No, but you know what? You know who's the craziest? Dave. Dave should have walked off the fucking court. When they were like, it's Dave Portnoy, and he puts his hands up, he should have just been like fucking court when they were like

it's Dave Portnoy and he puts his hands up he should have just been like like fucking you know a president like good night America and just gone back to his fucking seat

on the bench yeah but once you you're right because he does kind of go back into that realm of like okay I'm available for a ball

but that kid should have just eaten that or like they're throwing it to him and he oh whoops whoops I dropped the ball. Because he had like five seconds left.

That was like a buzzer beater. And it's not like you're giving it to like a mom of five who needs to hit this shot for $10,000 to like get out of poverty. It's Dave. Just let it fucking go, man. Yeah, yeah. I mean, oh, so bad. That second one. His body language right away was like, whoa.

I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I just, you know, I didn't think, because Dave's never played basketball. He's not a basketball guy. But shooting, everybody can shoot half-court shots. Yeah. You know, you're supposed to just heave it. You do like a one-two and you throw it kind of as you run and jump, and everybody just whacks it off the backboard.

You know what I mean? It was jarring. I gasped when I saw it yeah but it is funny too and and i i said this on the kevin clancy show if you know what you're doing the way me you dan dave like the ogs do like you can't embarrass us you know like dave posted this video of them playing tony scheffler and it was just like a funny thing right away. Immediately the joke was like, can we even know if that was Dave? It's just like you can only get embarrassed on the internet if you let yourself get embarrassed. The same way you can only be canceled if you let yourself get canceled.

It just is what you make it. You know what I mean? As long as it's not really bad. You just missed a couple of half-court shots. But, I mean, boy, that was... At Barstool, where all we do is make fun of people for not being good. Making fun of people at Barstool, making fun of people for not being good athletes when we're all older and washed up is crazy.

You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, nobody's good at anything here. We're all fucking old and bad. But at least we've always said, at least you can kind of be like, okay, I can see there was a time in his life when he could do it. Dave did not have that anymore. Dude, I got that. Which he himself has said when he, like, I think when he retired,

when he struck out against Dallas Bates. Yeah, he was like, I'm over the hill. Yeah. Yeah. He held on very long, like way longer than most people do into their 40s, and then it was like sharp decline uh i got it i got a dm from a uh very well-known comic who was like dude that wasn't dave portnoy was it and i was like yeah and he goes i legit thought that guy was an athlete like i guess not i was like yeah that that's also on

that well-known comedian but that but you shouldn't think dave's an athlete but that but that but like what you're just saying is is that like yeah if you look at that you're like think Dave's an athlete but what you're just saying is that if you look at that you're like that guy's never played a sport in his life that's how you know I was taken aback what else is in Johnny Notebook

so here we go a couple things here real quick we need to stop buying people over 30 gifts. Okay. Men in particular. Yeah. Like, and I guess single men, like if you're in a relationship with someone. That's what you're saying, like your girlfriend, your wife?

No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I mean. I mean, like, I think because our family is very much Peter Pan syndrome. They forced upon us because they keep giving us gifts. Your parents, you mean? No, no, no. Like, my aunts and uncles still get me presents. And it is.

That's crazy. It's nuts. So I have to, like, open things up and, like, pretend they're awesome. And it's just, like, I know you didn't even try for this. You just got a gift because you think you're supposed to get me gifts still. Someone got me an ice tray, Kevin. Okay? It was a fancy ice tray, but someone got me an ice tray.

Wait, was it like one of those big tubes for the bulbs? At least that is like a thing. Yeah, but like, no, that's an ice tray. I'm picturing like a 10 by 10 fucking ice tray. A single individual ice tray would be hilarious. I got a single pair of socks from a different person. Like jokes from fucking shows and movies. Like a CBS Tuesday night sitcom would have that joke.

That's just genuinely what someone bought me. Those are people like on their way out the door. Those are people who are finding things in their car. Like, oh, I'm going to get John a gift. Reach in the back seat. Here's some socks. I got a, on my 29th Christmas, I had an aunt give me money. And in the car, she goes, this is your last Christmas.

And I was like, perfect. That's unbelievable. Amazing. And now getting this stuff is nonsense. I'll take it a step further for you. I don't think aunts and uncles should ever get you gifts. I disagree with that. I think that's...

Well, when you're like a kid. This might just be coming from my family because I was not close with my aunts and uncles. They just always got me garbage. Yeah, no, they give us good stuff. I guess if you have aunts and uncles that you like who love you and shit. Right. I got a Derek Jeter

biography book when you were a kid book from my aunt and uncle. And I honestly wanted to be like, fuck you. I wanted to hold it up to them and be like, fuck you. I mean, they were notorious re-gifters. We would get things that were damaged or clearly had been unwrapped and re-wrapped or had another person's name in it and shit. What? So it was, like, literally just grabbing things from around the house

or just getting, here's a piece of shit I got. I'm going to give you a piece of shit. Like, just stop. Yeah. Just don't even fucking bother. I got cousins that every single year we go over to my dad's side, and it's, we're all adults except for my little brother. And every year they put, like, $10 towards gift cards for, like, all the grand my little brother. Yeah. And every year they put like $10 towards gift cards

for like all the grandkids or whatever. Sure. And they still fight over them. Over like, oh, I want the beat-ups. I'm just like, just fucking give me something. I don't give a shit. This is going to sit in my wallet until I run out of it and throw it away. And we just sit there the whole time while they like rip them open.

I'm like, this is weird. There's a lot of gift-giving shit that I think we need to overhaul. Just maybe not do it. Okay, this one, this is kind of a double thing. So I am going to come clean. I guess some people will get mad about this. I went for a walk when I had COVID. I stayed away from people.

I had my mask on, but I went for a fucking walk at one point. If you're still scared of this COVID, you're a fucking pussy. Well, that's my second point. Very excited on my second point. My number one, so it's, I just realized that I would push the

button, you know, like the box. Kill a random person for $500 million or something. Bro, I was just tired and three blocks from my apartment i was like i might get a cab it's an emergency i was like i might i might kill this cab driver and his family because i'm a little tired and a little far from my apartment here's the thing i get what you're saying but also like no you're fucking not what okay No one's killing anybody with this one. This is, like, what's annoying is that now this variant is now, like, it's just the flu. Motherfuckers that were saying that when hundreds of thousands of people were dying were idiots.

But now this one is, like, it's just you get a little sick. Well, this brings me to my next point. I'm very happy, and I was as guilty as anybody. I was a pussy too, but I'm very happy that we as a society have gotten back to fuck scientists. I spent a year going, listen to the science. Listen to scientists. While the rest of our lives, in every other aspect of our life, we were like, fuck scientists.

We never listened to them. Like scientists, while I'm screaming during the pandemic, fuck scientists. Listen to the science. Why don't you just listen to the science? Drinking a bottle of whiskey at night. Scientists don't recommend that. I'm flying in the face of all other science.

Everything else I did in my life, super against scientists. Everyone on the planet was like that. Everything we said was like. Fuck science. Fuck the nerds. But one specific thing, we were like, listen to the scientists. Everything we do flies in the face of science. I don't make one other decision in my life that is because, I guess like seatbelts.

I'll wear my seatbelt. That's not scientists. What's the most scientific thing that you do? Like would you consider like brushing your teeth? Yeah, probably. Probably brush my teeth. I've never gone for a prolonged period of time. I don't know, though.

Like, after, like, one day, I'm like, ooh, I can, ugh, this is going to be a problem if I don't brush my teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't need a scientist to tell me that. What's, like, something that you really buy into that you really wouldn't know if you weren't just, like, listening to someone else? Maybe something with my heart? Like, cholesterol or something like that. I don't know shit about that. Right. Like, I don't even know what that really means. Like, I just trust like that I don't know shit about that I don't even know what that really means

but I haven't done anything with that yet but when I'm an old man and they tell me you have to eat like this or drink like this because of your cholesterol I'm going to just trust them on that but fuck that I've never listened to a scientist in my life they're all back to being fucking nerds it all comes back to what we've said about everybody

nobody knows what they're doing in every position They're all back to being fucking nerds. You're all back in the basement. No, it's not even that. It all comes back to what we've said about everybody. Nobody knows what they're doing in every position. Doctors, lawyers, scientists, nobody knows what they're doing. They're just trying to make it up and make it through it. That fucking Tony Fauci was like, fuck, everyone's going to be looking at me now. I don't know. I read a thing today. The scientist said, don't wear masks.

It traps it in. And said, you're going to get Corona inside your mask, and then it traps it in your mouth, and you're going to breathe it in more. Okay, fucking whatever, dude. But now it's just a goddamn cold. It's just a little flu. Before Corona, the scientists were, and again, I want to stress, I am well aware I'm as guilty as anybody and at times I was right but I'm just happy we're back to scientists

being nerds where the, there was, like, all scientists were before then were like blog fodder

where it was like, scientists say an asteroid might be coming to Earth and we would just make fun of it and it would be like a topic.

Scientists say Red Bull vodka is as bad as cocaine and I'd be like a topic so I had to say Red Bull Vodka is as bad as cocaine and I'd be like I'll do both right now yeah just because you said not to I will have a fucking RBV and an 8 ball please thank you very much

do you want to hear the dumbest thing that maybe has ever been said on a podcast I was listening to Stuff Island with Tommy and Chris and Gillis was on. They were talking about Don't Look Up. Okay. And our boy Chris- Which I liked.

Chris O'Connor said it was a true story. He said Don't Look Up was based on a true story. It's a movie about an asteroid wiping out humanity. Did he just mean like climate is like a commentary on climate change? So Gillis was like, I think it's like an analogy for climate change and COVID and all that. And he said, yeah.

Not COVID, it was written pre-COVID. Was it? Okay. It applies to pretty much everything. But he was like, yeah, it's based on a true story. Like for the dinosaurs, maybe. I don't know, dude. You're fucking talking about fucking wackos.

And the last thing I want to talk about real quick before we move on to anything else is this motherfucker. Oh, I knew that was going to come up. I knew that tweet was going to come up. Barely the top three gayest people on this podcast. And you're going to drop. Barely, barely the top three gayest people on this podcast, and you're going to queer us. And I hate to do this right now because I'm in my no-pants crisis, so I can't say shit right now. But you are in absolutely no position to be overhauling,

overmaking, making over anybody. All right, first of all, I didn't think either one of you would even see the tweet, so I didn't even know. We're always watching. But I had just, new season of Queer Eye just came out, so I was watching it know we're always watching but I I had just new season of Queer Eye just came out so I was watching it

and I was like oh it'll be funny it'll be funny content and the people that popped into your brain that needed a makeover it's not just a makeover that's the thing

it's like more than just like whatever and then John came over the top and was like kill yourself you're ugly and gross and I was like okay I didn't say that

I said you are one of the worst people on this podcast you can't queer and you told me you were coming in in a stressed people on this podcast. You can't quit. And you told me you were coming in a big outfit today. No, I didn't yet. This is the big outfit we have here? And then I realized that.

A beanie, a Burlington coat factory? You don't have a big outfit. Yeah, no, I just don't have clothes to clean. Immediately, I looked at my clothes. I'm with you, brother. I just brought it all to the watchful because I was like, fuck, I have no clean clothes. I'm with you. I can't throw stones right now.

Now, I mean, to be fair, we talk about how we are worthless and you dream about killing yourself all the time. So, like, a life overhaul is necessary. And that's the whole point. That's the whole point of the show. It's not just – I'm in no position to give any advice on literally anything ever. Those guys giving us a makeover would be funny because I think we are un-makeoverable. Like, I think the whole time... I don't even fucking...

I think they would quit. I think we'd be the first ever episode where they're like, we're out of here. We can't do this. We can't fucking handle this. These guys, they can't be saved. They're just disgusting humans. Dude, by the way, real quick before we make fun of Zach some more. I forgot to bring this up during

the little Christmas recap. And the fact that we forgot to bring it up is really the point I'm trying to drive home here that got so loose that I lit my hair on fire and we never talked about it and like you see the baby hairs I singed a bunch of my hairs up front it's from when I was laying cigarettes on the stove

oh I did that to my eyebrows when I was in 8th grade so I don't even know what to do. I look like I'm balding right now. I was going to say, that's bad. You have like a divot cut out of your hairline. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't really look bad.

Like when you do that, it does. Right. It's not like I can see it from here. Because you were leaning close to the fucking. To lit my head on fire. I learned the hard way. Yeah, you got to go like sideways. That sticks with me.

That's one of the dumbest things. Two things that always stick with me. When I was in seventh grade and I used to do backyard wrestling with my friends, I had two friends who were significantly bigger than me. They were like the Kane and Undertaker wrestlers. I was always flying off the top ropes because I was small or whatever. One of them wanted to give me a tombstone. I was like, hang on, hang on them wanted to give me a tombstone and I was like hang on hang on I gotta like get

I gotta like get used to that and I just jumped up and landed on my head and it was on a bed so it didn't like the concrete wasn't the problem but my whole neck compressed and I like really really hurt it and I was like I think I pinpoint that moment exactly I tombstoned myself and I think I needed to

fucking eventually have surgery because of it and I was like that was one of the dumbest things I've ever done and the other thing was i was like smoking a cigarette for the first time probably not the first time because i was always stealing from my grandma but we were in a back we were in a kitchen of like a chinese restaurant basically and there was an oven or a stove whatever what's that. I mean, I put a cigarette in my mouth and I just There was fire and I just I just laughed at that. I think I did it. I'm 33 years old. I think that's how I did it on the street.

Yeah, no, that's... You did that on the street. Yeah, you absolutely did. Because I felt nostalgic when he did it. I was like, ah, yeah. Thinking the length of a cigarette is enough space between you and an open flame for your face. I still don't understand how it isn't I just fire let me just put my face in it

my eyebrows went zing smell it it was disgusting yeah you put your face in fire you fucking moron putting your face in fire is next level stupid yeah but finally I said last night you're barely top 3 KC on the podcast

and someone said who else would there be? Jackie's a 21-year-old female who went to a state school. A state school? You went to USC. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 21-year-old

girls who go to state schools are like a bottle of wine away from being gay that's what I was saying that's what you're saying yeah you ever kiss a girl Jackie? what? you ever like made out

with a chick? with like my friends just say yes the listeners will love it yeah you've made out with chicks but that's it right? yeah

just like with friends which I think gets you pretty close to top three gays people on this podcast okay that's like a little dick in your jaw it's like that's not enough that's not enough Which I think gets you pretty close to top three gayest people on this podcast. That looks like a little dick in your jaw.

It's like, that's not enough. That's not enough. Speaking of Jackie, it's about that time, girl. Week 17. She's got her resolutions, too. Oh, yeah. I've heard about this. We've got to discuss this. We've got to do that.

Which should we do first? Should we do her resolutions or Jacked Up? Let's do resolutions first. Really? Okay. All right. Jackie's resolutions. Well, Pav's also has some resolutions. Oh, yeah.

We'll go around the room. We're all going to do Jackie. She signed her life away when she signed everyone. Nothing is funnier. Sign the same contract. Lord of the fucking flies with these two. The minute anything's, it's just point the finger, throw them over the bridge, throw them under the bus. We'll all do our resolutions.

But Jackie's was described to me. It was brought up, and she was like, however it was brought up, I was like, we have to save this for content. What? However this was brought up, I was like, we really have to save this for content because all of you guys started arguing with each other about something about your resolutions. What's the big to-do with your resolutions? We have like six resolutions. One, I want to do more drugs in 2022.

I think that... You know what? Just go to number two. That's okay. That's fine. Good one. The way she said that was so good. Does it matter? Specifically cocaine. even have to divide. That's okay. That's fine. Good one. The way she said that was so good. Does it matter? I also did that on the last question. I did the smoking crack.

You smoked crack? I smoked crack before. But I've smoked cocaine, which I believe is considered smoking crack. Oh, no. That's smoking cocaine. I think it's the same. That's different than smoking crack. Yeah. There's a minor difference? But it's a huge difference. No, we looked it up. I was talking to Rosebud about it, and we looked it up, and it was basically like... I mean, if someone puts some powder in your fucking blunt, that's different than a crackhead with a crack rock.

It was in a cigarette. It was in a parliament. But is it a rock or is it some powder? That doesn't count. You pack it into the top of a parliament, and you smoke it. I'll tell you what, you feel it right away. I bet. But that's different than a rock.

What do they call that? Huh? What do they call that? Huh? What do they call that? Smoking cocaine. A cocaine cigarette? Oh, yeah. That is, yep. That's what I want to be doing.

Cocaine? Yeah, mostly cocaine is one of them. I just, because this is, I, and I, my reason for sure was going to be like, mushrooms. I want to like, enlighten my mind. Like, no, like mushrooms no no I want to do more cocaine because this is how I'm going to deal

with the narcolepsy problems like you guys I'm going to be so alert during this goddamn podcast the entire time you guys are going to be like I mean my plan also is like when I'm going out again this is what I was saying my plan also is like when I'm going out, again,

this is what I was saying was my night ends at like 12 and 1 and I want to go, I want to go to 3, 4, 5, 6.

That's when the fun comes. Cocaine is going to help you there. Yeah, that's what the people who are up at 3, 4, 5, 6 are doing.

I'll ask Jackie like how her weekend was. She was like, yeah, I had a good weekend but like no guys offered me cocaine. Because all my friends and I will reconvene the next day and then I'll be like, oh my God, like, no guys offered me cocaine. Am I ugly? It's crazy.

Because all my friends and I will reconvene the next day, and then I'll be like, oh my God. Well, I don't want to rat them out, but I did so much blow last night. I'll be like, there was no... And I don't even want to do it. I'm not even a drug person. But you're just mad that you didn't get the offer. I know that hot girls get offered cocaine,

and it just makes me feel like, am I ugly? Nobody's offering me goddamn cocaine. That is such a funny thought to be like, yeah, she's hot, but she's not even addicted to coke. She can't be that hot if you don't do coke. If they're not going to offer it to me, because whatever, it's fine, but this year. Do you think that maybe

because you are sleeping in the bathroom stall and you're like, I'm not going to give it to her. Are you home sleeping? They're not going to start doing coke until one or two to stay up until three or four. I think I give off I'm a little bitch vibes. But if I start doing more

drugs, then I start to get rid of that. Yeah. But also it goes to my next one, which is get hotter, and then I will get more drugs. First you get the hot, then you get the drugs. Straight up cheesy plan. I'm gonna get hot, then I'm gonna get all the drugs. And they all link together. Then I'm gonna join the Mafia. Just because I think that it seems fun. It seems just like a fun- I don't know if I'm allowed to say that on here.

I think you need to be more like... Jackie, you just went on a five-minute desert tour and now you want to become a go-kart. And you're like, can I say I want to join the mafia? Maybe I'm being sexist here, but I feel like it's more like you've got to be like a mob wife or girlfriend. You know what I mean?

Like, I don't think the girls are in the mob. That is sexist. It is, but like, how many... Queen of the South, there's that bad bitch out of Mexico. I think that if you're a girl, you're either queen pin or you're a guma. You're a girl of a mobster.

At least that's what the movie's portraying. I'm going to... You're going to be running bags around town for guys? What is that? I'm going to push the glass ceiling. Break the glass ceiling. Break the glass ceiling. And I'm going to be...

Pushing the glass ceiling will eventually lead to breaking the glass ceiling. But I like where to be... Pushing the glass ceiling will eventually lead to breaking your glass ceiling. But I like where her head's at. She's going to push it. I'm not going to break it. I'm going to push it up like one floor. I need like a cool drug lord name too. And then I also want to

get into more street fights. At least three street fights. Dude, Jackie's the fucking best, man. She's the funniest fucking person alive. These are dead-ass serious, folks. I need to stress that this is a real list that she says 100% I need to get into street fights.

Jackie did not write this down with the intention of reading it on a podcast. No, that's what I'm saying. This is what I'm writing down. This is me and Jackie over break. We came here to finish something and this was just her off the dome.

Earlier today, John, I was like, should we do this for content? And she was like, nah. This is just my list. And the rest of the room was like, no! You need to be for sure on the podcast. One of Pabst's is like, continue my skin care routine. Jackie went hard course. I was like. I just want to give a little, a little, one of Pabst's is like,

continue my skin care routine. Right. I just went hardcore so I was like, I'm going to become a pussy. But that's much more, you know, it's like, I'm going to like

lose some pounds. I want to get in street fights. Get in more street fights. Okay, talk about the street fights. What's that about? I just, I think I've said this before,

but I, I am like really, really deeply worried that I'm going to go throughout life never punching somebody in the face because I feel like that would be just like a good feeling. And so I just, but then it's like, and then sometimes I'll hear other people talking about how many street fights they've gotten in.

I've grown up, obviously. What? Bryce Hall on YouTube? What are you talking about? Well, haven't you guys all got... Street fights might be, like, just fights. I want to just get into... The street makes it more badass.

I'm thinking of people fighting in an alley somewhere. Like, the last fight I was in was, like, 8th grade. Oh, I actually wish you had a picture of me. I've never been in a fight before. So it's like, I think... And the other part of that is like I always say this, like I really think I could take anybody. Like I don't know why I have this unearned confidence,

and I want to test that. Yeah. I really do. When you say anybody, you mean other girls? I feel like that test is going to come through them quick. No, I mean anybody. Like I think I can take any single person in this room, and I have this unearned confidence.

It's like I walk home alone with, like I'm going to get kidnapped one day, but like I go two headphones at night. Don't care. Like, all this don't care because in my head I'm just like nobody. And you've never even thrown a punch. I've never even thrown a punch. And I want, this is the year that I put it to the test and I really see. Yeah, that Jackie gets kidnapped.

You're listening. It does all add up. Yes, exactly. Like, everything is going to get to the other thing. But street fights, my friend recently got his old phone turned back on, and he was showing me a picture I sent to him. Jackie just covered her mouth. This is the last time I got in a street fight. Oh my god.

You look like a UFC fighter. Like a young UFC fighter who just fought his first match for $12,000. $12,000, yeah, right, $1200. Street fight, is that it? Launder Money is the other one.

Just, again, it goes hand in hand with the drugs. I get the drugs, I join the mafia. First you get the money, then you get the motherfucking power.

I've been watching Ozarks. Oh, there it is. Yeah. Okay, so it all adds up. Ruth just really getting Ruth vibes.

I just want to be like a thug. Yeah. I want to be as badass as possible. Jackie hit that T-H and then stopped. She got nervous. That was racist. And then I also just want to get a hobby. Jackie, you just got six hobbies.

But if I'm not too preoccupied with the mafia and the money laundering, I think think chess. Here's the thing. We should just end the episode. Nothing is going to be funnier than that girl's list. That was outrageous. If you sat down with the funniest writers in the world and tried to come up with a funnier list of five, nothing.

There's no way we'd come up. I mean, that was, bravo, Jackie. Very well done. What about your hobby of being an NFL analyst? A couple more weeks, girl. And then you got the playoffs. Then you got the playoffs. You got to do the playoffs.

How long are the playoffs? A few rounds. Four weeks. Probably several more weeks. So today we got another edition of Jacked Up.

It's brought to you by 3Chi. By the way, if I can jump in real quick, my New Year's resolution was to take more pictures. I feel like that's

been a goal of yours for many years. Yeah, it hasn't happened yet. I'm always the guy I'm too cool for pictures. I don't even mean me being in a picture, but it's like remember experiences.

That kind of thing. And I never take pictures and shit like that. Yeah, you should take more and you should post your pictures. You should post to Instagram. Why? That should just be your New Year's resolution

to post on Instagram. I post on Instagram pretty regularly. Do you? I just do reels. And I'm not even talking about just like the filters, but I post a clip from the podcast.

My Instagram is basically strictly reels now. I turned it into a TikTok. TikTok knees, here we come. My resolution is to get pants. Get pants. I'm debating whether I should just get bigger pants or lose weight to fit into the old pants.

Yeah, I can lose weight to just get bigger pants. That weight to fit into the old pants. Yeah, I can lose weight, so just get bigger pants. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Just get the bigger pants. What size waist do you? I'm a 33. Fuck. Maybe 34 sometimes.

Because I'm 34 and it's getting tight. I can't go above 34. I can't be a 36. Does it skip? There's no 35? I think there is. Let's be nice to the 36s. You're 36?

I can be 36 then. Yeah. I feel like it's bad if I'm a 36. Wasn't Dave like a 36? Dave was like a 38-30 or something. It was something. I think it was low. I think it was down to the 20s.

I'm pretty sure it was 36-29 because it sounded familiar. It sounded real familiar. A lot of people roasted it and I just think it was pretty normal alright so I'm gonna I'll get 30

size 36's okay it's better than wearing ill-fitting pants right? better to just be honest cartoon nose out there right

what's yours get more gay this is easy be more gay wear better clothing. And Paz, you're going to get a better skin care routine? Stop deleting ATIs.

Just not even one work oriented thing for Jackie. Paz wrote this one in for me though and it was stop getting the podcast out four hours late. Also, if you become a street-fighting, drug-dealing, addicted mafia member...

I don't know if I'm going to have time for this podcast. I was going to say, that would be good for content. You might become your own fucking... your own content if you're a dealer, a drug-addicted, drug-dealing, hot mafia girl. I can't talk about my money laundering and mafia stuff, though.

So it's like I can't provide content for that. You're going to get arrested. What do you think the first step is? I think publicly, again, if you are— I think if you get hot, you get the drugs. I get hot, I get the drugs. You get drugs, you get plugged into the drug world, you meet the drug dealers who teach you how to launder money. Then you're a drug dealer and you're addicted,

you're laundering money, then you get in fights. Yes, but also just... So get hot, bitch, stop being ugly. Yeah, I know, I'm working on it. But this is, lips was the first step, and then we're going from there. Beans, I mean. But if you were listening to this...

Step one, lips. Step two, beans. Step three, cocaine. Yeah, you know when people are like, there's always a joke. It's like step one, blah, blah, blah. Like in the middle, there's nothing. And then like the final step is get hot. Yeah.

Jackie's figured out the middle. It's like beans, lips, mafia, street fights, all that middle shit. Not in whatever. Nick, resolution. Mine were all work-oriented. Real, actual resolutions to become a better employee. No, it was write a pilot, write a movie, write an album,

and then something else. Jesus Christ over here. Winning EGOT. Win them all. Okay, Jacked Up, week 17, brought to you by 3Chi. I would suggest not getting into hard drugs, and I think a great way to still get through this year of life while not doing anything dangerous is 3Chi.

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Three minutes on the clock. Jacked up. Jacked up. Okay. Well, I'll start with Jets. Huge. Huge game. The biggest game of the week.

The biggest game of the week. Should I start with the drums? You tell me, babe. Okay. The drums. Antonia Brown. He threw a huge little temper tantrum. Yeah.

And he takes everything off and then walks out of the field, just like dances off the field. And he, it was because, i'm a little confused on why but he um i i like kind of like what you said in your one minute man i respect it because i think that he it's i feel like again another goal in 2022 is i want like i want to be more of a drama queen and just like in general and i think that he represents that. He absolutely had the most dramatic exit that he possibly could. I think that we should all look up to him. If I ever quit

this place, when I become a mafia jug lord, I'm going out with a bang. Not Jalen Hurts, though. Antonio Brown style. I'm still a little confused why he did it. And he's off the books, apparently.

Also, it was just very funny how he took an Uber home and you see the Uber driver? You're like, yo, we out here. Now, you can't throw the tantrum. You can't do that. But he's been hurt all week. He didn't practice. He fucked up his ankle.

And he was like, I can't play. And they were trying to make him play. But I think he knows that's the best card you can play as a player to make it a coach or a team look like they're trying to make you play through injury they're always going to look bad and you're always going to get a lot of sympathy so i think he knows that but also like steven che was like he's like i was specifically watching him he wasn't doing anything in the first half he didn't practice all week he seemed injured he I was specifically watching him. He wasn't doing anything in the first half. He didn't practice all week. He seemed injured. He probably was injured.

Also, Antonio Brown, that close to incentives to hit a million dollars, if he's not playing, he's not playing for a fucking reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, I'm kind of going to side with him on this one in the sense of, like, I think he's telling the truth. And also, what Jackie said, I think, like, if you're going to do it, fucking do it. But for him to leave all those incentives on the table and get like

cut, he needed like 50 more yards, one touchdown. I think he needed... I think it was more than 50 yards. None of them were very easy. I think they were. Going into the day, it was 11 receptions. I think receptions is hard. I think yards and touchdowns are pretty easy. Going into the day, I'm

99.9% sure going into the day it was 11 receptions, 233 yards, three touchdowns. Oh, I thought there.9% sure going into the day it was 11 receptions, 233 yards, three touchdowns. Oh, I thought there were less. That's pretty hard. That's the case then. You sound pretty confident with all those numbers. I thought it was like 50 yards, one touchdown, and like 11 receptions.

But either way, if they're even somewhat attainable, because that was originally, this whole thing flipped it on its head for me. I thought he was going to be like, I need to be out there to hit my incentives. And Bruce Arians was benching him or not putting him in. And it ends up being the total opposite. That's what makes me believe in him. Here we go. 11 more receptions, 281 more yards, three more touches.

Yeah, so you're right. But all possible for two games worth. Not easy, three more touches. Yeah, so that, you're right. But all possible for two games worth, you know? Not easy, but all possible. Right. I do think people are talking about it like it was a lot easier than it was. Agreed, agreed. It's going to be. I was thinking, I was like, did Antonio Brown forget that there's like a 17th game this

year and thought like I got to get in the game right now to get fucking 11 more receptions and da-da-da. But if he's leaving potential money on the table, even if it's very hard, I feel like he's probably telling the truth. And then for them to just be like, you're fucking out. You know, I mean, Brady's like, man. I mean, I was waiting for, once the Jets, Jackie, continue with the Jets real quick. Do you know anything more about them? Oh, the Jets were winning.

Yeah, get back to the game. Jets were winning, and then at the end they were winning until the end. Sorry, and then I think from what I gathered, too much time. Brady scores at the end. Classic, too much time on the clock.

So they QB sneak. What is a QB sneak? It means when the quarterback just keeps the ball and tries to sneak it. Usually you do very short yardage. The QB just kind of gets the ball and dives forward. Tom Brady is like the goat of doing it. But this was a broken play. We learned after the fact.

I thought they just tried to actually QB sneak it with two yards. I was like, this is crazy. But it was just a broken play. Once that happened, I knew Brady was going to score. But even as it was unfolding, I was like, you know, the defense has played well. He hasn't been great all day. He's staging this comeback, but it's not like he's kicking our ass.

And there was, what, like under a minute left? And I was like, I don't know, maybe it's not going to. And then boom. It was. He was so casual, too. So casual. He never even, like, they weren't spiked. They didn't spike the ball once. He was not even embracing it.

But what he usually does, he usually dinks and dunks to the five-yard line and then gets in. I haven't seen him hit a 35-yard touchdown like that in a while as part of your two-minute drill, where it's just like, I'll just beat him now. That was sickening. And then, I don't know, where do you fall on the autograph? I think it's cool that it's the ball he picked off. I fucking hate every single part of it. I hate every single part of it.

I don't think there's a – if you had asked me this five, ten years ago, whatever, I probably would have had a different opinion. If you were on the New York Jets, you would do that? Knowing what the Jets are? I wouldn't do it, personally. But I don't think it's any bigger thing than... I mean, to me, it's no different than jersey swaps. I think jersey swaps are stupid.

Jersey swaps have gotten so popular that everyone does them. So I think that's kind of all around the window with it. But this, I think, asking for an autograph... I think if you want to do it, I still don't agree with you. Do it after the game. Have somebody do it for you. Try to fucking... That's what Brady does for jersey swaps. Because obviously someone always wants to do it, I still don't agree with you. Do it after the game. Have somebody do it for you. Try to fucking... That's what Brady does for jersey swaps. Because obviously someone always wants to do it. He always

says, I'll get you after the game. So, if you know that, then the people in the league have to know that Brady will do this for you. To do it on the field. That's so crazy, by the way, that you're like such king goat that people know like Tom will give me his jersey, he just doesn't do it on the field.

But that's what I can't, and I respect that it's Brady, but like who fucking cares? I think it's Glitz. Like he's a rookie. Who cares? That ball means nothing. That ball should, I would hope. I think the time you intercepted Tom Brady as a rookie is a pretty cool time.

You remember that in your head. You don't need a fucking autograph. It's a New Year's resolution. I'm remembering moments now. Fuck that. I'm doing more to— To go up to Tom Brady and be like, can you sign my ball? I'm actually surprised Tom Brady, being the competitor that he is,

wasn't like, get that ball out of my fucking face. If he didn't win that game, he wouldn't do it. Right. So you lose that game, and you're like— I mean, to be all like uh corny sports like cliche sports about it's like this is a game that you lost to this guy and you're like i gotta make sure i get my ball signed because that was my personal accomplishment in the moment fuck that and i don't really care about it but the optics of it is the problem yeah when you are on the

new york jets and you know how the jets are and how they look and I'm sure he wasn't thinking like, oh, there's cameras. I don't care. I'm going to get the autograph. But that's how it ends up looking. And the amount of people who are like, it's a cool moment. Fuck you. You losers. It's a fucking single interception. You got an interception of a great quarterback.

Who fucking cares? The greatest. The greatest quarterback. Whatever. I think that's cool. I think that's a moment to like. So fucking shake his hand. He could get cut tomorrow. And that's still a cool story to tell you. Why would you never do it? I picked up Tom Brady once.

Why would you never do it yourself? Huh? You said you wouldn't do it, right? I wouldn't do it because I'm late. Because I'm like. No. I put on those airs like I'm cool. I grew up playing sports and being taught by people that like, act like you've been there before, act like you've been there before.

Well, guess what? Most of the time you haven't fucking been there. So enjoy it. That makes me want to fucking puke. No, I believe in that shit. I played hockey, so I had those coaches with the name on the front, not the name on the back bullshit. I believe you don't get to Tom Brady's level by doing that kind of shit

if that's your mentality. I don't know. Because as minor as those things seem, it's like we've learned to become like the best. You got to be like a freak show. Like the Belichicks of the world

who can't operate like a normal human. And the Bradys of the world who every single thing they do is like geared towards winning like it's little things like that that's just like it's gonna be a thing you're gonna have to talk about it the fans are gonna yell about it

it's gonna be same old Jets it's gonna just be a whole fucking production so that you get a ball with a fucking I don't like memorabilia period at all let alone when you're doing it to the guy who just beat you but it's different memorabilia when it's your memorabilia. I think what you're describing is like 12 hours on Twitter.

He probably doesn't fucking know, doesn't fucking care, and he's got a pretty cool... What? To put on his fucking mantle? Yeah. Fuck, who cares? You're going to hang your own fucking memorabilia up? That's the time I picked off one guy one time in a game that we lost? I think that's pretty cool. Oh, I would never in a zillion years.

I'm trying to think of, like, an equivalent. I mean, like, Randy Moss kept, like, his touchdown ball. Like, that's, like, it's like, oh, when I broke the record. That's a cool thing. Yeah, get the ball back. I don't think I would go get it signed by somebody who. I would bet Randy has it signed by Tom Brady because Tom Brady threw it to him. Even that, you're on the same fucking

team. I try to think of a situation where I would go up to a guy that you're supposed to be going up against and getting their autograph. It's crazy to me. I would never do it. It is like, whoa. Because I'm a Brady fan,

I watch his video and I think it's cool for Brady, not uncool for the Jets. I think it's cool for Brady. I think it's exactly that. I think it's awesome for Brady. It's super uncool for anybody that does that. And again, I guess you're a rookie and you're probably like, I'm going to play here for another year and then I'm out, whatever.

But knowing that you're on the Jets, that's going to be the Jets are now asking daddy for autographs. Jesus Christ. Can you just fucking go to the locker room and take your loss again as you always do anyway jacked up uh oh another notable thing is um okay at the washington game eagles game the one of the things fell the thing fell fell. And here's the thing. I was going to tweet, but I thought that everybody else had beat me to it. And so I just assumed that I couldn't even tweet. But I was going to tweet, Jalen Hurts could have gotten Jalen hurt. And nobody tweeted it.

And I could have gone, I could have done numbies. I could have gone viral. Instead. So anyways, I might even tweet it today. And it's going to be a little late. Do it right now. Do it right now. Okay, I'll do it.

You know what? Get it off your mind. Just get it out there. And you'll maybe do half the numbies, but you'll still do some numbies. This is Jackie's second time referencing numbies today on the podcast. When else did I reference numbies? That's with cocaine. Nummies.

See, these are things I'm going to know. You're so ugly, you don't even know it. Exactly. If I was fucking hot and people just... It's fine. Okay. Oh, I think that the Bills, for example, they look... I'm worried that they're a little cold during the games,

and I think that they need little football sweaters. A little football sweater. Maybe like a cardigan. Again, because the 10 times I said it, you have to be watching this episode. I just think that they really, I'm worried about them being cold, and they're just like expected to be,

wear like these t-shirts in the snow. It's crazy. And I want them to have some more. Oh, also Zach Wilson was good. DK Metcalf. Oh, Jamar Chase and Joe Burrow. Big day for Bengals. They played well.

They won. Clinched. What? Clinched the division, right? I think so. Yeah. Yeah, Bengals. You just taught me that word.

You taught me that word. What does clinched mean, Jackie? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. . Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that it? Yeah. Okay. Well, I mean, the board clinch exists outside of football. Yeah. It's actually hard to describe. I was going to say, it's a hard word to describe. I was like, oh, fuck. When you get it, when you've secured something that you can no longer lose. Yeah. Kind of. Mathematically attained something. Anyway, any other games?

DK Metcalf, good. I think. How about Trevor Lawrence? How did he play? He didn't play good. Did he throw touchdowns or did he throw picks? Picks. Unacceptable.

Again, especially, like, I think that there was, I mean, at least from doing the Jets last season, I was expecting him, like, there was I mean at least from doing the Jets last season I was expecting him like there was a lot of hype I know I actually have decided I'm out on like all college football analysts and everything like everybody knows the draft is a crap shoot but like

and maybe he'll just like it'll take longer but I mean the dude stinks right now Trevor Lawrence? Yeah. I actually didn't watch it because I I didn't watch it either but he's I mean he's like very very bad right now I know Lawrence? Yeah. I actually didn't watch it. I didn't watch it either, but he's very, very bad right now. Yeah. I know. Was it 50-7, 50-3?

It was like he threw his ninth interception in a row before throwing a touchdown. It was crazy. They might have gotten 10. And he also had this, depending on what his stat line was, if he threw zero picks in that game, he would be like the second quarterback ever to throw under 10 touchdowns and start 16 games. Right. I mean, it's like, and the Jags are a disaster. Talent around them is not good.

Obviously, the Urban Meyer shit. But, I mean, you know, this dude was, they were sucking his dick so much that I was led to believe it's's going to be this instant game changer. And it's like, you know, no, man. There are better rookies that you're just finding like diamonds in the rough. It's crazy. That's why I think that I feel like Jets fans are always like, or people when you're losing are like, oh, well, then we'll get a better draft pick.

I don't think it matters. It doesn't. I mean, it really doesn't at this point. It's all about... Oh, okay. It's rookie QB. I mean, I guess that's basically... If you do that, you're a rookie. You're not going to have a ton more shots.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Anything else? No. No. Okay. That's fair. Jackie's day was resolution.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackie, you already put up numbies. Don't worry. Did you tweet that's fair. Jackie's day was resolution. Jackie, you already put up numbies. Don't worry. Did you tweet that? No, you're right. Get that tweet off, girl. All right, let's do, we're going to the top fives. All right, top fives today is in honor of the great Betty White.

Kick the bucket. Jackie, I liked your tweet. I think I agree with it. We're rounding up. Betty White was 100. Fuck this 99 shit. Betty White was literally 100. But she was in her 100th year. You're 100 years old.

Yeah, I mean, I guess it's kind of a semantics game. It's also like, do you count year zero? Do you count the next year? Yeah, Betty White was on the show for 100 years. Right? Or no, was she though? Yeah, right? Also like leap years, people were saying.

That's definitely not how leap years work. I don't even know what that means. Jackie, what does that mean? They were trying to give her the extra days from the leap years. They were trying to count up 17 more days. She's been around for four more, like every four years, so you could add up those days. 100 years old. She's the GOAT.

She's one of the most, I think, likable people ever. I've never heard someone be like, I don't like Betty White. I was saying this the other day that it is, I do feel like almost a poser because I never knew, I only know Betty White as the old bitch. Old Betty White. She does the old person bit. Right. I've never seen Gilmore Girls.

I've never seen Hot in Cleveland. You mean Golden Girls. Golden Girls. I don't really know much of her career. No, but I don't think you need to know her fucking work. Yeah, you know, I just feel like I'm not appreciating her as much as I should. Agreed. Agreed.

I never thought of her as like this, like, oh my God, she's this amazing actor. But when I did One Minute Man and I dug in, she's got a wildly impressive resume. It's like all the firsts for women. She was the first ever to have full creative control of her own sitcom. She co-produced, co-created, and starred in a show called Life as Elizabeth

when she still lived with her parents. Women were like, just suck my dick and get me a coffee. And she had full control. She was the first woman to ever host her own talk show. She was the first woman to win a game show host Emmy. She won an Emmy in 1950 and then an Emmy in 2014. 64 years in between Emmys.

That's wild shit where it's like just longevity out the ass. But yeah, I think for the most part, by the end, she was just, like, the old bitch that jokes around with Brian Reynolds. That's fine. She also was a kinky little bitch. She was, like, very much love to fuck. I was going to say that. She was all about her vibrator and stuff. She did an interview with Larry King, and he was like, you're very known for your sex drive.

Like, are you still fucking, basically? And she was like, no, not anymore. I'm an old woman. And he was like, but do you still have the, basically? And she was like, no, not anymore. I'm an old woman. And he was like, but do you still have the sex drive? And she was like, yeah, sure. If I see someone I think is hot, not obviously not saying this, but like, if I see someone who's hot,

yeah, I think about it. And he was like, do you ever act on it? She was like, no. And he goes, why not? He goes, no one wants to fuck me. Like, no one wants a 92-year-old woman. Well, I'm glad you brought this up because I think that 99-year-old Betty White,

or at least the Betty White that was, you know, the pictures are flying around in tributes and stuff like that could get it and I think that 99 year old Betty White was better looking than young Betty White not to say she was ever ugly at any stage of her career but I

think that like yeah that old that shot of her there cause this is this goes back to our theory that women pre like 1985 were ugly

you know like Farrah Fawcett I always say was the missing link Farrah Fawcett was the she bridged the gap between like old women

and hot modern women you look at like hot chicks from you know they wore unflattering clothes and dresses and it was like that was the hottest chick of your time what You look at like hot chicks from, you know, they wore unflattering clothes and dresses and it was like, that was the hottest chick of your time? What? Like, look at that.

Come on. Yeah, you're right. I would fuck old Betty over young Betty. For real, though. For real. Young Betty looks like hubs. Yup. If you could take old Betty's head

and put it on young Betty's body that would be ideal cause you know I don't wanna fuck that 99 year old body but I don't wanna fuck that hub's head

I'll get it all man I'll take it all but yeah she was the best I tweeted the clip of her on 30 Rock which again this is what I know her more for

like the old person bits but when when Tracy Jordan is calls her to find out if she's dead because two celebrities have died, and she quickly is like, is this a rule of threes

called, Tracy? She's like, I'm going to bury you. It does suck that you have your On 100 issue of People magazine coming out. It's kind of like how I would want to go that way. For a famous comedian, I think someone sent that tweet where it's how I would want to go that way. For a famous comedian, I think someone sent that tweet where it's like, what comedic timing

she had. For a famous comedian, that being your last joke, I will have People Magazine do a fucking... By the way, how happy were they at People? Those things were flying off the shelves. The one tweet I saw that was absolutely... People made that, once they put

that on sale and decided that was going to be the cover, they were like, I hope she doesn't make it. Yeah, right. They might have killed her. Hopefully Betty kicks her. People Magazine knocked her over and pushed her down the stairs. This tweet from this chick, just, ugh. Some people were trying to Ruth Conda.

It's not really Ruth Conda. It's just, boy, this tweet sucks. No. Nope. Betty White didn't die. She grabbed 2021 by the throat and whispered in its ear, I'm taking you with me, you son of a bitch. And then she threw them both into the fires of Mordor to save us all.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. It's canon. One of those things is so bad, my nipples go out. Yeah, God. It's like, come on. Really? Shut the fuck up. Okay, so we're going gonna do top five olds just the top five old people out here now that betty white has kicked the bucket you can talk

about you know is this your celebrity death pool person is this uh who's the next like old person you think is going to be the sweetheart who's the next old person that when they kick the bucket it's going to be sad. What's age? 65 plus? Yeah, I'd say so. And even really, you should probably get higher than that. 70? You've got to be in your golden years, let's say. Okay. I don't know many old people,

so I'm definitely going to have some people who are dead. That's fine. I'm going to go with my first pick. I have someone that I think is going to be a beloved like, oh no. Michael Caine. Alfred. That old motherfucker. Well, he's almost...

Remember, he retired and everyone was like... But then he quickly unretired. What are you talking about? Just the retirement had people being like, oh my god. They were basically eulogizing him just for that. But when he goes, he's Alfred.

He was in, I think he's in the Ocean's Eleven shit. He was, like, the cool guy back in the day. James Bond type shit, whatever it was. That guy, like, there was just a rumor that he wasn't going to do any more movies. And people were already in their fucking tears. When that guy goes, the whites everywhere. Oh, look at him there. Oh, weapon.

He fucked Betty White in every hole, bro. Every which way, Betty was getting it from Michael Caine. Okay, my number one, easy, Larry David. 74. Wow. He's just in shape. He just doesn't

strike you as an old person. At all. He's 74 years old. Wow. I Googled it before I said it. Because I was almost going to say 75, and that would have fucked you. But, yeah, 74, I would be like, that's an old guy. Yeah. He's going to be in really good shape.

It's funny. For someone so neurotic who gets mad about everything, you'd think life would weigh on him. But I guess when you're rich and you... He's got that Dwight Shrew. I don't take it home with me. Right, right, right. Oh, my God.

Talking about old and young. Yeah. I would fuck old Larry before that. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Watch... Is that real? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's real.

But watch... Google young Larry David. No, I've seen that picture, too. Like, young Larry David is hot. Yeah, he's hot as shit. Yeah, the one... Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's dude. That's fucking super, man, bro. All right, okay. So I'm going to say this then. I'll take Larry in his college yearbook, and then I'm jumping to 74. What was this fro in the middle with no hair? It looks like he tried to smoke cigarettes on the stove. He burned the whole front half of his head.

What is that? What year is that? That is disgusting. Larry, how did you let this happen? I think it's so bad it's good. 81. 81. 81.

So he's what, 40 years ago? He's 34 there? Yeah. That was him at your age. Are you kidding me? That's like Costanza, bro. I put this on my Instagram the other day, actually. Fuck.

Costanza, like when- Look at that. Costanza, when filming Seinfeld, was like mid-20s. I know, that's a tough look for him. Are we sure that's him in his yearbook? Because that is so shocking. I don't know if that's him in his yearbook. I think that's someone else who's just like,

that was a hot guy who kind of looks like Larry David when he was younger. It can't be. How do you go from that guy to that guy in like 10 years? No, John, that's not it. Bro, I... I think that's like Larry David's dad or something. I don't think so. I don't think that's Larry David. Why? Because look at him like 5 years

later. It's not 5 years. It's his high school book, right? So it's him like 15 years later. That's when he's 18, that picture? Yeah, that's high school and then from there I believe this is like early Seinfeld. What the fuck, man?

How do you even go from that hair to the curly hair? And it looks like somebody just took a fucking thing down the middle. Wild, wild, wild, wild. Old people. I'm going to go with Tony Bennett. Oh. Tony Bennett, when he did that. He's got Alzheimer's, yeah?

Probably. I think, yes. He does, yeah. Yeah, he's got Alzheimer's, yeah? Probably I think, yes He does, yeah Yeah, he's like 95 He did the Lady Gaga thing He's got the Alzheimer's, that sucks He's got the great voice He's got that

He's like, you know, in the holiday That old guy who kind of putzes around And everybody likes him In the show, like the character Yeah, yeah, yeah That's like Tony Bennett He'd be like the grandfather He'd like get lost

Walking around the block I think that character actually has Alzheimer's So it's the perfect like Tony Bennett he'd be like the grandfather he'd like get lost walking around the block I think that character actually has Alzheimer's so it's the perfect comparison Tony Bennett like when he did the Lady Gaga thing

he just he kind of like reinvigorated his career for another like 20 years with all these fans that like now know him all the Monstars are gonna love him

all the Monstars are gonna come out and love him and eulogize him and he's just got that like grandpa like you know old man Italian

look to him Tony when he goes watch out he's a good pick for a like you know old man Italian look to him Tony when he goes watch out he's a good pick for celebrity death pool to be honest I hate to say it but you know facts are facts I was going to put Christopher Plummer he has died I've been informed so

I'm going Gene Hackman but here's the deal Gene Gene Hackman is going to get like cancelled posthumously, I bet. Gene Hackman? I get to see him having some Sean Connery shit where he, like, fuck bitches and shit. No, dude. It's, like, the opposite.

The reason he's on my mind is he just popped up on Twitter recently where, like, he's out the game. He doesn't do anything anymore. And it's just, like, hey, just so you guys know, like, Gene Hackman is, like, him and someone. It's, like, just, you know, Gene Hackman is still alive. Right there. I think that was the picture.

Yeah. He's, like, alive. He lives in Arizona. Oh, my God. He lives in Arizona on, like, bike rides every day. like Gene Hackman and someone was like you know Gene Hackman is still alive right there I think that was the picture yeah he's like alive he lives in Arizona oh my god he lives in Arizona on like bike rides every day and that's just his that's what he likes to do

bro if you showed me that picture before this and said I'll give you a hundred guesses I'm not getting to Gene Hackman what did the exact tweet say holy shit

that doesn't look like him at all it was I feel like when you hit 90 like some shit goes down where you just don't look like... That's just an autograph. But yeah, when you just cash out and you just... I love the idea.

I can't wait one day to retire from public life. I want to do that. Even if I'm not famous, I'm going to just announce that to the world. Like, okay, dude, we didn't even know you were in public. But I want to retire from public life. I am going to go with the chick from Downton Abbey. I tweeted about her. Do you know who I'm talking about?

Maggie Smith? No. Pull up Maggie Smith real quick, Pats. This chick is 90... Professor McGonagall. Yeah, from Harry Potter. Professor McGonagall. She was Wendy in Hook.

She looked like she was 100 hundred years old in hook. And she just hasn't like age since then. Really? Hook was in what? 90, let's call it like 94, 91. So she was,

look at her. That was when she was in hook on the left. Yeah. On the left. That was hook. And I would, I would say that's her now today. And that was fucking 30 years ago. What? That was Hook. And I would say that's her now, today.

And that was fucking 30 years ago. That woman stopped in time starting in 1991. Well, I don't know. Well, yeah, that's... No, no, no. That's a role. She's a street beggar. Oh, okay, okay. Also...

Since she's aging appropriately. That's her now. She's gotten better. Yeah, it is. Also, she's a her now. She's gotten better. Yeah, it is. Also, she's a dame. She's Dame Maggie Smith. Dame Maggie Smith. That's baller.

Yeah. And she's going to get the Harry Potter eulogy. That's going to be a big one, too. This is slowly morphed into big death for me. Okay, my next one, I'm going to go Rita Moreno. Oh, yeah. She was a West Side Story. She almost canceled herself earlier. What'd she do? okay my next one I'm going to go Rita Moreno oh yeah she was West Side Story

yep but also she almost cancelled herself earlier what'd she do she said something about like she doesn't think that you need to hire like Puerto Ricans to be

to do Puerto Rican roles and people were like what she was like oh never mind I take it back you should hire Puerto Ricans to be Puerto Ricans

she was kind of like whatever actors are actors you can hire anybody from any race and they were like no she's very beloved and also I think she's going to have a bit of a resurgence She was kind of like, whatever, actors are actors. You can hire anybody from any race. And they were like, no!

She's very beloved, and also I think she is going to have a bit of a resurgence. She was a little bit in the new West Side Story, but she has publicly said, Vin Diesel has said he's her dream to get her in the Fast 10 cast as Dono Toretto's grandmother, and she said calmly. I'm waiting for your call or something like that. Which means she's going to be in the Fast franchise. No doubt. That's second life because she's 90 years old.

But that resurgence you're talking of. She also was a wet... She actually goes, she dispels our rumor of the 385. She was hot back then. Well, she's Puerto Rican. It was a wet. She actually goes, she dispels our rumor of the 385. She was hot back then. Well, she's Puerto Rican. It was white women. White women in the, white women like before like the 80s just not doing it.

Puerto Rican women. Smokes. Yeah. Like, look at that face. Beautiful. Batty. Batty. My next pick, my fourth pick, this one.

Getting this pick, this deep in the draft, Morgan Freeman, 84 years old. Doesn't do it for me. What do you fucking mean? People have fallen too in love with Morgan Freeman. I'm like, I don't know. I guess. All right, whatever.

That's a controversial take. That's going to be a problem. I don't dislike Morgan Freeman. Look, he's in one of my favorite franchises. He is in the fallen franchise. He is a king. I dislike Morgan Freeman. Look, he's in one of my favorite franchises. He is in the Fallen franchise. He is a king. I like Morgan Freeman. I don't like him as much as everyone else.

Morgan Freeman, he kind of reminds me of the era of the Internet, which there was one for a while. The Internet, people forget this. There was a while for the Internet where the internet was just people yelling, Bacon! Bacon and Morgan Freeman. You're right. He almost became overrated while not... Overrated doesn't mean you're bad.

It means that people are talking about you too much in a way. It's Satan at Bacon and Morgan Freeman. It was crazy. Morgan Freeman, Bacon. Morgan Freeman, Bacon. That was every tweet. Bill Murray was sprinkled in there too at that time. Bill Murray a little bit, yeah. That's one that people probably will say for this list. Okay, you're next.

I got one. I need to get to my pick. I got to get to my pick. I got to get to my pick. Pick something. Just pick something, John. Okay, Mel Brooks. Okay.

I'm so happy you did because getting this last is insane. Danny DeVito. Oh, no! Danny DeVito. Oh, no! Danny DeVito with the last pick. My five-foot nothing gangster. That should have been the number one. That's number one. It should have been the number one overall pick. You know what it is? We don't think of him like that. He's Frank Reynolds.

He's still thriving. Yeah, he's a barrel man. He's got to be almost 80. Late 70s, probably. We have to help him into a chair. 77. 77. We have to help him into a chair. 77. 77. We had to help him into a chair, folks. And he's still out there.

Have you watched the new season yet? Yeah, I have like two episodes left. I mean, the cut to the title screen of The Gang Carries a Corpse Up a Mountain. Oh, I haven't seen that one. Oh. Imagine that. They do the cut and the music, and it just says, The Gang Carries a Corpse Up a mountain. Oh, I haven't seen that one. Oh. Imagine that. Like, you know, they do the cut and the music, and it just says,

the gang carries a corpse up a mountain. It's incredible. But yeah, I mean, Danny DeVito. Holy shit. Unbelievable. All right, voicemails. Video voicemails. Wait, I didn't get one more.

I'll hammer it in real quick. I will say my number five. Oh, Dame Judy Jens. Dame, Dame, Dame. You got to get the Dames. Yeah. There was one other. I love Judy.

Oh, wait, Judy Jens might be dead. No, she's alive. She the dames. Yeah. There was one other. I love Judi. Oh, wait. Judi Jens might be dead. No, she's alive. She's alive? I got one for you, though. Jack Nicholson. Nicholson? Yeah. He's almost too much of like a coxswain.

You know what? You need to have a little element of like sympathy where it's like, oh, he's like a cute little old man. Right, right, right. Jack Nicholson doesn't have that. Jack Nicholson's like, yo, he bagged 3,500 women in his life. He's fucking, you know, he's a bad one. Oh, man.

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Voicemail's up next. Anything else we can plug in here while he's out? Any other topics to talk about? Real quick, Ghislaine Maxwell. Guilty. I think a lot of people were like, look, it wasn't corrupt. She was convicted guilty. See, the system worked.

And then it's like you realize they convicted a sex trafficker without asking who she was delivering the children to. It's pretty fucking bullshit. That's how you know it's all a fucking corrupt scam. It was just like, yeah, yeah, she was trafficking people, but we don't care where the children were arriving. Leave the room for four minutes, I come back to conspiracies. It's not conspiracy.

We know that Ghislaine Maxwell was sending the kids to somebody, and we're just like, nah, we're not going to ask who. I would fucking sing so quick. I would rat everybody out. You would? I'm sure she's been brainwashed. I'm sure that she's always wanted the approval of older men because of her daddy issues. And that's why she loved Jeffrey Epstein.

And that's why she will keep quiet for Andrew, Prince Andrew, and Bill Clinton and shit. But I'd be like, I'm fucking going down for this. They didn't help me. You're all coming with me. Fuck y'all. I wouldn't say. I'd take that shit. Yeah?

I mean, I'd hope you shit. Yeah. I mean, I'd hope you help me. And if it would reduce my sentence, I guess, but if like, if it didn't come up, I wouldn't. See, that's what I think is going on.

I bet you her sentences, people were like not outraged because she was found guilty. Like I was saying, you're out of the room. Like, look, see,

like the system worked when she gets sentenced to like 12 years, people are like, what the fuck? Cause I'm sure that's what happened. I'm sure it's like, let's get this over with. You're going to be in, you'll be out. 12 years people are gonna be like what the fuck yeah because i'm sure that's what happened i'm sure it's like let's get this over with you're gonna be in you'll be out like 12 years it's like her life right she's like 60 yeah but it's like you'll be out when you're like 74 or whatever and and you uh and you just like we'll just let this all go away

fucking rats man fucking skunks i would be the people who get so jacked up for this stuff are funny like wait when i was when it saw it happen, I was like, because when you follow it, it's like, why is no one covering this like it's covered in a written house? And it's like, well, it's a different kind of trial. It's a federal trial versus a state trial. So you don't really, like, the one I compared it to was like the Boston Marathon bombing.

Like, that was, like, we knew shit about that trial because it was a federal trial. And then when it was like, well, they only had, like, I don't, people, like, it's just because I don't really subscribe to that stuff. And people were, like, criticizing, like, what the prosecutors were doing. I'm like, I ain't going to law school. I don't fucking know. I think it's crazy to only call four victims when the whole point of the case. But what if the other ones had, first of all, it worked.

So, like, they were good. Well, I mean, I don't think it worked. I think, well, I do believe that this is all, like, they do brush the shit under the rug. What if the other ones got on the stand and, like, the defense just, like, tore them apart and then, like, these are four stone cold, can't be beat witnesses. And then, like, yeah, there's a hundred more,

but the other ones have ones that would tear them apart and then the jury would be like, well, they're probably all like that that there's four good ones rather than they brought up 100 and 96 of them sucked so you do the four sure i think that's probably not the situation here but i i feel like in a case where the the whole point was that there was like a prolific number of victims that showcasing that is probably important but like it's it's like if you have, like if you're an alcoholic, like that gets, you get pretty torn apart where they'll be like, well,

how can we even trust your memory? You were drunk, you were drinking. So like, you imagine these people who were abused their whole life have become, have gotten problems. Being on the stand like that, and being like, yeah, I'm fucking, my life has been ruined. I'm an alcoholic.

I have no job. I feel like that would help the case. But then wouldn't they be like, again, I didn't go to law school, so I don't know shit. But the defense could be like, well, isn't just your life sucks or you're using this as blame and blah, blah, blah. I feel like they're- I got trafficked when I was 14 and the rest of my life sucked.

Yeah. I think that would work. When people question, I'm just like, I don't know. I didn't go to law school. Yeah. But I think there's – without having gone to law school, I think there's some things that are like bizarre when you look at it. Knowing like who was involved, like knowing the whispers of what – of like the people she was with knowing the manifest knowing how many victims there were and like nobody comes forward yeah it's probably because it's like

how did we get here i just i i i actually was doing it while you're out of the room to avoid this john's gonna think that this was all normal so i'll say this while he's in the bathroom so i've been working from home for like two years now um and in that time my department has gotten like four or five new people who really haven't gotten the chance to meet at all but we had a company dinner uh maybe like a week or two ago and this one guy who i work really closely with like we were always cool had a super chill relationship very you know like co-worker surface level type deal and then we got to talking at this dinner and like completely opened a door to the type of person that they are that I was just not into at all like swearing at at the table, super inappropriate, like shit face, drunk driving, like talking

about just everything that you don't want to talk about in front of your bosses. And so I guess my question is, how do I close the door to get back to where we once were? Because I don't want them to think that I want to like be a part of this type of relationship with them at all. I just want to go to work. Just fuck this guy. Get my shit done. No, I mean fuck this guy. But like as long as he's not important at work and he's like this kind of a loser that – so now his opinion of you doesn't matter.

You can just be like – just start blowing him off. The – it sounds like my guy is getting some blame here for just being a good time. If I could project a little bit. I was with you until the drunk driving and the always talking about shit. Do I give a fuck? I mean, look, I don't drunk drive. I wish you didn't drunk drive. But if I'm like, that dude, he had a couple of beers and drove home last night.

I don't think we're going to be friends anymore.'s that I don't I don't think it's that but I feel like if you're if you're the like the loud rambunctious like annoying fucking probably like spouting off about politics talking about shit you don't want to talk about and he's like swerving his way home dude I don't I mean I don't why people become friends with co-workers i'll just never understand don't you have any of your own regular friends is i don't to answer your question but yes you know you have friends they don't none of them live here my only friends in new york city are barstool that's different though like that's that's like and and barstool is a little bit different i'm talking more like in the corporate world. Yeah, yeah. But like your real friends, you still have like your real friends.

Yeah. You know what I mean? The people – like I know people whose lives are just their coworkers. And it's like what happened before this job? Did you have anybody? Oh, like they don't even have like any high school friends kind of deal? Nothing. No high school friends, no college friends, no nothing.

When they get that little separation, like I can reinvent myself now. Yeah, and like they live together with coworkers and everything. It's like, this is... You're still just describing me. But, like, if you live... You came here, and so everybody who, like, came from Boston, if you just, like, lived in Boston, would you live with your friends, right? Live with Lou.

I live with Lou's friends in Boston. And you met him through Barstool? Yeah. Yeah. All right? I live with Lou. I live with Lou's brother. And you met him through martial? Yeah. All right, you're a loser. You're a loser with no friends. All right. Where were your friends?

By the way, Eagle looks like Lou. He's a black Lou? Yep. I guess I could see that. Yeah. He had the same mannerisms. I was like,

holy shit, this is very Lou. But anyway, the point here is I think you just, you don't hang out with them so much, but you don't, like, you can't break up with your fucking friend. Like, I wouldn't hang out with them. I feel like I would text them less often. Yeah, you just gotta, like.

I wouldn't have a conversation about it. It would be like. Oh, no, no. It would be like a slowly drifting away. Also, it sounds like you've only hung out with them in a social setting where everyone's getting shit-faced and shit like once because it all became uncovered.

So, just like... Bro, how about this? Here's my fucking answer. How about you learn to party? That's a fucking thing. Why don't you stop being a pussy, slug some beers, say offensive shit at the table with your bosses, and drive home drunk? And put your fucking face on the voicemail, you pussy.

Come on. Yeah, I mean, he literally, yeah, fuck you, bro. I'm fucking sick of your shit. His opening thing was he was swearing. Bro, how do you listen to this show? It was tough. It was tough. He was swearing at the table.

It really just got down to talking about all the things you don't want to... This guy's just annoying. Yeah. It's not like he's just annoying. Everything else you can just... Dude, I hang out almost exclusively with annoying people. So this guy... Shut up, pussy.

I can't stand basically everyone I hang out with. Don't worry about it. It's fine. Just hang out with them. It's called being an adult. Next up. My name is Kira and I'm taking a stance Don't worry about it. It's fine. Just hang out with them. It's called being an adult. Next up. My name is Kira and I'm taking a stance for all Canadian stoolies.

We need a KFC Live in Canada. I'm getting too fucking jealous of my Curious Skyler, the Milk Girls, Gay Joe. It's enough. Canadian stoolies deserve some love. What a crew. KFC Live in Canada. Not in Toronto though.

Not only an hour and a half away from you guys, but still 18 hours from the rest of us. Fuck, I can't even talk. That's how mad I am. What a crew we've assembled for ourselves here, though. We've got Bicurious Skyler, fucking Gay Joe, and the Milk Girls. If you were to just list that out, I'd be like, what kind of operation are you running here?

If we're going to Canada, we're not. What do you want me to go to fucking Alberta or some shit? We're going to Toronto. I got to tell you, I'm probably not going to Winnipeg. You're going to Montreal or Toronto and that's it. Maybe Vancouver. Maybe Vancouver. We're not going to Vancouver.

I love Vancouver. We're going to Vancouver? Maybe we're going to Vancouver if we're on the West Coast. We'll just pop up. Yeah, yeah. We're not going to fly there from we'll go to Vancouver if we're on the West Coast. We'll just pop up. Yeah, yeah. We're not going to fly there from New York. No, no, no. Happy lunacy.

But we are in Nashville. We'll be in Nashville in April. We've still got tickets for the second show in Boston at the Wilbur. And then now it's 2022, so we're going to put together some dates. We were supposed to be in Arizona. That ended up getting canceled. We don't know what's happening for the super bowl so i i was thinking maybe we'll be out in la we can do something out

there but knowing the way barstool operates we won't know what's happening until like the day of so we're gonna start booking uh 2022 dates so i tweeted out the link um saying uh where do you want kfc radio to come, it was the least helpful thing of all time. It was just like, it was a lot of people, but it was just like 40 people say this city, 40 people say this city, 40 people say this city, and it was just like all the cities. Which I guess is encouraging.

We can probably sell like 100 tickets in every city in the world, but I would like to know where we could concentrate some of those sales. So I'm trying to find a way to to figure out the best spots to go to to put together the tour so uh we'll put we'll post that link up again um to try to try to figure out where we could really go i don't know how to i just we i just we just need more feedback from people on what cities they are and what cities they're near so we can figure uh figure out like the best route to go on a little bit of a tour. But we'll definitely start out in Philly, Chicago, Boston, and get the old school spots.

So let us know. We also need more voicemails, so hit the voicemail link box where you can submit videos. Everyone's New Year's resolution should be call the voicemail board and buy more KS Arena tickets. Buy your tickets, submit your tickets. Submit your videos. Everybody's got a story to tell or a question to ask. Now's your chance to be a part of the show and get your name or your face out there

if you're trying to make content or just get your question answered to tell your tale. So make sure you buy tickets and hit the box. All right, so we'll wrap that up here, and we'll get into our interviews. We got Joe DeRosa up first, eating sandwiches and talking shit. So Joe DeRosa on KFC Radio. Let's talk to him. Diving into the sandwich shop game, huh? Yeah.

Brick and mortar. Let's do it. Yeah. Good time to do that. Barring sandwich shop. It looks like a cool spot. Yeah, it's fun, man. Where is it?

Rivington Street? 174 Rivington Street and Lower East Side, kind of in the thick of it down there. And it's been fun so far. We've only been open a couple weeks. But, you know, we really tried to – are we recording right now? Oh, this is it. Oh, okay. This is one of our more professional beginnings.

Usually people are like, wait, what the fuck is this? What? Now we're going. Good, good. All right. Here we go. No, we tried to create something that was reminiscent of what the neighborhood used to be. And which you can still find in certain parts of that neighborhood.

Is that where you're from? No, I'm from Philly. But Philly was also a place that, you know, I was born in Philly. I grew up outside of Norristown, Pennsylvania. But, I mean, those areas and neighborhoods, they were very neighborhood-y. It was like corner bars were a big thing right you know and um better yeah and it was me and my partner paul italia wanted to we had this we had the sandwich shop thing that we were doing at the stand we

were doing it as a pop-up but it was just sandwiches and then when we went into the when we started to look into doing an actual brick and mortar location, we really wanted to bring our love of those old timey bars into it and, and, and, and offer more of a full incomplete experience. And then with COVID and everything, it started to actually become sort of a greater concept because that, then we were like, well, we, we can actually maybe provide something that people really could use right now, which is affordable, delicious food and cheap drinking

if you want. You know, like, you know, so like that was kind of the mission statement. How long were you when COVID hit? Were you like, fuck? No, this was born, I had the idea years ago when I lived in LA. She couldn't find a good sandwich outside of a Jewish deli.

There were some cheesesteak places that were pretty good and then there were some Jewish delis that were great. In LA there's good cheesesteaks? Yeah, there's some Philly and Jersey transplant guys out there. They're doing solid cheesesteaks. Booze is awesome if you ever go out there. But like the hoagie game I found was lacking, and I found it was really tough to find.

So I started making my own like East Coast style sandwiches at home, and then I really liked them. And I started to write down the recipes, and I just kind of was like, it would be so cool to have like an old just style like sandwich shop. And that was when I came up with the idea but i just put it on my computer and i i set it aside i never thought it would become anything right and in the depths of the first lockdown paul and i were talking and he just very passively said you know man like a lot of people are abandoning ship right now a lot of people are leaving the city you're going to see a lot of opportunities come up because people that stay will be able to survive you guys really had

balls then i was i was assuming you were like well along in the process and then you kind of were like well we were pot committed we started started it after everything. We started an $8 sandwich pop-up in the lockdown. That was a time. I almost got into the bar business a handful of times. Oh, gosh. Heaven help us. Because we were like, I had buddies in Boston who were just like, yeah, this bar is closed.

It's really cheap to get the liquor license or whatever. We were talking to John Taffer when all of this very, very, very early, like first week. And he was talking like, I'm probably going to swoopaffer when all of this very, very, very early, like first week, and he was talking like, I'm probably going to swoop in and buy all of these places that have the kitchens and the ventilation and everything set up. I'm going to buy them for pennies on the dollar and flip them. So there definitely was opportunity, but you had to be able to do it.

Yeah, that was – I mean, we have a lease. It wasn't – yeah, that would be nice to be able to flip restaurants. Yeah, I mean, it have a lease. Like, it wasn't, yeah. That would be nice to be able to put restaurants. Yeah, I mean, it's a tight restaurant tour game. But no, what did happen, and it's a shame that it took a pandemic to make it happen in New York. But that rent real estate bubble finally popped here, albeit for a sort of brief amount of time. It's pretty much back If not worse Yeah So

But In that time You were able to At least rent something For what it was worth Versus what They could get from you Right

And that's That's what we did But yeah When we started the pop-up It was in the heart It was take-out only It was It was before you could even

Eat back inside It was full lockdown We got locked down twice during that pop-up, I remember. And we were doing to-go and delivery orders from the stand of these sandwiches, and all my friends were making fun of me

because they were like, $8? Like, what are you, stupid? Like, this will never survive. Like, what are you doing? Meaning it was too cheap. Too cheap. I was going to say, $8 is fucking great. Yeah, yeah.

Being like, everything is closing, and you're, like, trying to give people deals. But I don't know. When I heard that, I'm like, finally, like, someone not fucking me in the ass for a sandwich. Yes, I agree. And I will tell you, it has changed because it's not just like you throw it together and say, we're going to charge this. We had to figure out how to make it work for that price

without it being chintzy, without us losing money, with it being a satisfying product. There's a lot, you know? There's a lot of trial and error and figuring out like the amounts and all that stuff. But once you figure that all out, you realize how hard you're getting gouged at so many places. It's,

it's gross. It's gross. There's there. I won't name names, but there are places in the city that I used to really have a great admiration for because of their longevity that now I'm like, fuck you guys. It's so gross what you're doing. Fucking everybody.

You don't want to say Katz's out loud? I was going to say. Like long-term delis. Because you know why that's easy to produce? I went to Katz's the other night. It was like $25, right? It was like $30. I think it's $27 a sandwich now, I believe.

Which is insane. But also the reason why it's so easy to figure out what you're talking about. There's not many good delis. No. They're really, you know, I think people just kind of, you go across the river to Jersey, you go to Hoboken and those places, there's a million. They're all delicious. The fresh muds, everything's Italian.

And I guess you have the Jewish delis if you're into the pastrami and all that kind of shit. But if you're looking for just a good Italian place, good Italian deli, there's not many and I don't think people realize that. I find myself going to Lenny's because it's like, I don't know, it's better than some of the other. There's DeFonte's for a minute

over there on the east side, but not many places for Italian sandwiches that I really like. Yeah, the Brooklyn DeFontes is still there, but I missed the one that was in Gramercy. Yeah, it was a little bit lower, yeah. But it was the same thing, and it was good. It was fine.

I used to live on Murray Hills, and I went there all the time. And then that shut down, I don't even know when. But other than that, there's not many. It's not. I mean, our whole goal was we were like if we can charge, if we can figure out a way to charge Subway prices but give like quality sandwiches, homemade bread, all that stuff, we were like, then we could really have something good here.

And we figured out a way to do it. And we're very lucky. Look, I'm very lucky to know Paul. Paul is a – he's like the quintessential New Yorker. I've always wanted to own a bar. We've talked about it all the time. I was going to say, you achieve the guy dream. Yeah, sandwiches and you've got your name on it.

I've always wanted a sandwich named after me, let alone owning the fucking place. There are the three things as a kid. Actually, maybe it's even two. It's band and bar. Yeah. Two things like you and your buddies

always talk about doing. Right. We would do one day. It's like semi-attainable, you know? But it's also, it's just like, it's what you,

it's like the kind of bar you like. Yeah. And you're like, it's just a place to hang out. We've always wanted to do, we wanted to do like, almost an always sunny bar

where it's like, we don't want it to be a thriving place. We don't want it to be a hot spot. I almost want it to be a failure that just stays afloat so we can sit there and drink for free. Yeah, no, the idea, the interest in owning a bar came from It's Always Sunny when I first saw it, when the show first came out.

Watching it and just being like, why don't more people do this? Like, it seems like if you don't have a fancy bar, this seems like attainable. Yeah. You know? And, uh, and I just thought it would be so cool.

But again, you know, I just kind of put it away in the back of my head. And then when we were designing this place, um, Paul and I really focused in on like, it's got to feel like it's been there for a while. Like it can't,

and it also can't be a fake dive. It can't be a dive that you go in. It's a dive really it's we it's a social club on the sign because we wanted it to feel more warm in old school versus like trashy but i love dives don't get me wrong but anyway um fabricating a dive is the worst of all yeah yeah yeah you're automatically you're going to try to make it a dark like hole in the wall like let it be that if it's going to be that exactly exactly so we we tried to aim for we looked at a lot of movies and and things that took place in the wall like let it be that if it's going to be that exactly exactly so we we tried to aim for we looked at a lot of movies and and things that took place in the neighborhood um was there any one that like really there was a bunch thief was one james conn thief and i don't remember if thief is actually in new york one of the movies was actually set in Boston that we watched, but it was Thief, it was Mean Streets.

It was all that stuff. But then as we started to go in the process, we started bringing in other elements. So I was like, I want there to be... I kept saying Paul's Boutique. That was like my barometer. I was like, that album to me is the crossroads of every, the apex of everything

Lower East Side. It's got the disco elements, it's got the hip-hop elements, it's got the punk elements, it's got the old-fashioned vintage element. It had everything. And come to find out,

after we had signed the lease and started working on it the the cover of that album was shot two blocks from the bar which we which there's a mural there now of the beastie boys because it's the old paul's boutique and i was like holy shit that's how you know you that's like we're on the right track yeah yeah so so like our bar top is all classic hip-hop flyers and posters. It's a collage. Very cool. It looks really cool. We've got movie discs on the wall of a lot of the classic movies.

The bathrooms are black and glitter, so they have a little of that Studio 54 vibe. The club era. Yeah. The back room is all wood walls, red vinyl booths. It's very old school, like Studio 54 meets Sinatra kind ofs. It's like very like sort of old school like Studio 54 meets Sinatra kind of lounge.

This is fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah. You guys got to come down. Like we really, really tried to make it like seamlessly like all these

different eras. Was there a thought to make it like an Instagram type of spot? I know so many bars or places are just like this is the wall

where you're going to take pictures in front of this, which is kind of cheesy or whatever, but it also, you make your spot like a social media spot and it fucking works. We lucked out because that's never anything either of us would have thought of.

Everything you just described sounds like. What happened was, as we were designing it, we were telling, we had the help of one or two different artists come through. And we were saying, like, hey, so we're going to put this neon sign in this little thing here. And it's going to say the Rose Room. And it's going to be, like, the entrance to this back room. And one of the designers was like, that's, like,'s like super instagramable do you realize it's right across from a mirror and we were like well yeah is what does that what does that mean and they

were like this is where people and and sure enough people have been doing it like and so we lucked out in a couple of like ted munns who's a great tile mosaic artist artist made us a sign for the front and you know just like was like hey dude like i'd love to make a sign for the place that's the one that's right out front like the main not the main sign but inside when you walk in there's a tile mosaic sign and i was and he made the sign for i have a podcast called taste buds that he did this he does signs for a lot of podcasts so i was like yeah dude please like you know i would love to have one of those in the bar and then like again like it just by luck somebody was like you know this is like a

really Instagrammable area like this is like a real good selfie spot but like I don't know man it just kind of that's the better ways to do it when you try to jam that down people's throats it doesn't really work make cool shit and people want to take pictures or go there or experience

it or whatever that's kind of the goal have you like found material through it yet like is it like i know whenever i got i've become like friends with a handful of bartenders in new york and like every time i talk to them i'm like and this is probably partly because i'm so fucking lame and like that's how my brain works i'm like you should have a podcast dude like where it's like like like you're gonna see one of the bars i go to like the bartender used to be like Keith Richards, bodyguard, whatever, was New York. He called him up. And then like, I know another one who like became friends with Post Malone.

I'm like, but you guys, you guys all have crazy fucking stories. And I imagine you have that even just regular bartenders who haven't gotten to know famous people, which is like one, they have one crazy story that happened to them working one night in New York. Yeah. It's, uh, it's no no no wild stories yet but not i haven't been doing much stand-up because i've been so focused on this so my head hasn't been in that space i'm actually going out this weekend friday and saturday to do

sal volcano is is doing some theaters in boston and in um ac and i'm going with them to to open and just kind of do some time and hang out with my buddy. But like, I haven't done any standup in like weeks. Really? I feel like everything I've learned from your breed is like, I guess if you're just focusing on something else, like you're not just sitting around,

but I feel like when you hear about comics not getting on stage, it's like they're going through withdrawal. Yeah. That's stupid. They're dramatic. Sometimes I hear, I'm like, shut the fuck up. Comics are like they're going through withdrawal. Yeah, that's stupid. They're dramatic assholes. Sometimes I hear them like, shut the fuck up. Comics are so annoying

with all that shit. They've been quite dramatic throughout the pandemic. I've been back in town. I need to get on, man. Shut up. I'm so fucking stupid. Gotta do your like seven minutes.

You haven't figured this out yet you know 20 years you don't know how to go just on the road and make a joke work by now okay anyway there's value to it but you know um but no i don't um i was always like that though I was never like obsessive with it yeah I was always like like before we opened my schedule I put in I put in

avails Thursday Friday Saturday I was like the other days are mine to do the things I want to do they might be work days but work of a different kind

I was just like I don't need to get up at 11.30pm on a Monday right right right right you know I've done it we were who was it of a different kind. I was just like, I don't need to get up at 11.30 p.m. on a Monday. Right, right, right, right. You know? I've done it.

We were, who was it? Oh, we were talking to the garbage guys and Foley was like, yeah, I'm free that night. I just got like a 12.30 spot. I was like, just gonna fucking wait

until almost 1 a.m. It's just crazy. But I mean, if you love it, you guys, some of you love it, but I'd be, not for me, man.

Also, if you need it, then great. If there's something you're getting out of it and it's useful then great but i i think like you get to a point where it's just you're doing something by rote and um you know i i i realized kind of early on like i remember one night i had to go to stand up new york which i won't even go to anymore. Not because I don't like the club. It's too far. I'm not going above 23rd Street. I can get enough stage time below 23rd Street. I love that.

I forget sometimes that we have so many people who listen to podcasts who are so very far away from New York that just won't even comprehend the idea. Like, what? He won't go another like 10 blocks. Like, no, no,

no, no. There are, I've been here my whole life and there are huge swaths of the city. I know nothing about because, you know, I lived in Murray Hill, lived on the Upper East Side.

Now we kind of do this Chelsea thing, but that's it. Yeah. You start talking to me about other neighborhoods. You could be from out of town. I have no, your guess is as good as mine. Yeah. Spots. That's, that's, yeah, I agree of town. I have no – your guess is as good as mine on these spots.

Yeah, I agree, man. I agree. But I remember one night – this was a long time ago. I was going up there on a Saturday. The spot was at like 1145 or something. It was the only spot I had all night. And at that time, it was different owners than they have now. And at that time also, the crowds on Saturday night, the later shows, were a little bit

rowdier because they were more touristy and they were drunk. Right. And I remember I was out with my friend Ann Harris and I said, all night, I was like, I got to go to this fucking spot. And she was like, why are you so upset about it? I was like, because I'm only, at this point, it is reduced to I'm going for $75. Right. Yes. Which half of I'm going to lose because I'm going to end up taking a cab up and a cab back because it's so late.

I don't want to deal with the trade and all that shit. And I was like, I'm not getting anything out of it. I'm not growing as a comedian. I'm just going to babysit this audience for 12 minutes. And look, $75 for 12 minutes is great money. I'm not scoffing at that. But I just was like, that was, I remember that night very distinctly being like, that was like a real decision moment where I was, or crossroads moment rather, where I was like, I'm not doing that, man. Like if I don't have spots on a Saturday, I don't have spots on a Saturday.

I'm not running around trying to figure out like, and I'm not going to, the other thing I think a lot of comics do is let their worth be defined by it. Like, oh, I suck because I'm a comic home on a Saturday night. It's like, it happens, man. Like I never, to me that would be like getting depressed because you like, when kids would get depressed because they got suspended from school. I'm like, that's the fucking jackpot. They're telling you don't come to school. Like, what are we talking about here?

You know, these divorced dads. It's brutal. I only get my kids Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I mean, the best case scenario, your weekends are wide open. What the fuck are you talking about? Dude, it is money, bro. Being able to give them back is, it sucks. You cram it in.

You got like really no help. You're doing it all on your own. But then like you do whatever your day, your night, your weekend, whatever. And then you're just like, there you go. It's fucking great. If, if, if, if married couples did the divorce schedule, they would, there'd be more happy couples. There'd be more happy families.

There'd be like, like you'd never, you know, if, if your wife's like, you know, it's, it's your turn. It's your turn. You know, whenever you can't say your wife, it's your turn. No, it's, it's our turn. When it's her turn, it's our turn. When it's your turn, it's fucking your turn. Right. And her turn it's our turn when it's your turn it's fucking your turn right and then everybody's up everybody nobody gets any sleep everyone's mad and then when you're divorced it's just like

it's a schedule it's not mass chaos yeah it's it's funny i believe in two things very strongly um one is uh plutonic plutonic marriage okay uh explain how that goes a little bit i don't understand why marriage has to mean romance and sex like why that that fades after a very finite period of time why like a platonic marriage is a partnership where we have each other's backs yeah and when when you get sick i'll be there and all that sort of stuff you're in a bind i'm here to help you you're my partner you you could be two gay guys you could be two straight guys you could be a straight and a gay guy you could be two straight women it doesn't matter yeah it's a partnership and then go fuck and have fun outside

of the house and date and be but have kids with that person too no yeah no oh no no no I mean no I mean that this it works if you want to have a concept works better if you if you don't have kids right okay but also too you could have kids you could have kids from another marriage you could have you could adopt with that person yeah my point is is like once you bring in or or just mechanically have sex to make a kid, and then that's it. But my point is once you bring romance into it, it just makes it so much more difficult. It's the most illogical thing that we do.

Romance, your brain, nothing is logical there. Then we try to make it, you're going to tie up your finances and your future and your family and your kids, all the things that need logic are now being governed by the most illogical feeling you have which is romance and lust and you're fucking and jealousy and all that shit we got a guy who called into our show was kind of we mentioned him all the time he he got engaged during the engagement finally realized he was gay came out out to his fiance. She was kind of like, fuck it, let's ride.

They still got married. They had a kid. They're like the happiest couple I've ever met. And he can have sex with guys? Yeah, which I don't know if they've fully tested it yet, but that's the idea, is that yeah, he can go sleep with guys.

She's free to sleep with other guys. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Wait, you haven't fully tested it? They have, right? I don't really have many details about, like, yeah, I was like, I had a boyfriend and she had a boyfriend. He's commented. We have a Facebook group.

I'm pretty sure he's told stories in there. Yeah. Because I was always interested to be like, you know, it's one thing to talk about it when, like, you know, you're hearing the fucking bed shake at night. No, I think he's not in the home it's right but like he's definitely said like guys have picked her up at a bar and then she's like i'll see you in the morning that's crazy i love it but it shouldn't be crazy if it's like it's no i think no matter how heterosexual you are even and like how cool you are in that platonic relationship you're like look you're not getting picked up in front of me like that's that's not happening much if you like, I do not like the idea of vagina,

I'd rather go fuck a guy, it's probably easier to get around. Well, what I'm waiting for is the day that Joe and her are into the same guy. Then we'll see what happens. His name's Joe, too? Yeah. Joe's just sitting over there like, God, they're talking. I'm not right here. Are you single?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sort of a perpetual bachelor. Smartest man in the room, dude. I mean, it's not by, you know, it's not because I'm against. It's because you're a pig. I'm a pig. You're a disgusting pig.

Yeah, exactly. Who would fucking marry you? You're gross. Yeah, exactly. But, I don't know. I just haven't found the right... You know, I was dating... Are you looking for it?

Or are you like, I don't need that shit? It's neither. I'm just kind of... I was dating somebody recently, and I said... I broke it off. And she kind of kept bringing up to me that I had only ever been in a nine-month relationship, that that was my longest relationship. And she mentioned it a few times.

And the second or third time she mentioned it, I was like, what is the criticism here? So that I haven't had multiple year-long relationships like you have that have ended in tragedy. I was like, I don't understand what your point is. Right. If anything, I had foresight. I saw what was coming and I pulled out before.

Right. You can spin that into a good thing. You can grow a whole human in that time. Well, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. And it's just like, so,

so I just look at it as when it's, when it's right, it'll be right. But in the meantime, especially now to like with the the with the bar and then going on the road and doing two podcasts and also trying to sell a book and all this other crap you know that we all do it's like i'm very very selfish with my personal time and the last thing i want is somebody saying you have to be here at this time for this thing because i just don't have

the capacity for it right now I've always said like when I'm talking about athletes I used to be like Derek Jeter did it the smartest you know had his career basically to the day like he retired got married next year he had a kid it's like I was I was like just put it off because you can you know retire when you're young do you have kids yeah I had two kids and you're divorced yeah what about you nothing nothing he's my third kid. Well, how old are you, though? I'm 36. So it was like the marriage

did not last. So I got like an almost six-year-old and a four-year-old and the marriage crashed and burned and it was funny because there's one guy in my group who's like the perpetual bachelor who when we all started getting engaged, we were kind of like, what are you doing, dude? Like, come on. Pop the question. What are you waiting for?

And now I'm divorced. He's miserable. This is how, you know, and he's kind of like the ultimate I told yourself. And he's still happy as fuck. Dating a girl forever. Just didn't, you know, she's great. They're happy. Didn't put a ring on the finger.

Didn't make it all official, but they're good. It does change something. I don't know what. Oh, it absolutely does. I remember being like, well, we already're good. It does change something. I don't know what. Oh, it absolutely does. I remember being like, well, we already lived together. We're basically married. It's like the same people who say having a pet is like having a kid. No.

These things are wildly different. All of these things are different. Dating a girl and marrying a girl, very different. There's a reason why it's a thing. It's very different. Well, the other thing that I strongly believe in is separate habitats. I don't understand why married people have to live together. I think living with somebody is very hard when you're not even involved with it.

I think finding a partner, if you find somebody you want to really be the rest of your life with, whatever, and you're like, I'm ready to give up sex and everything just to be with this person. What are the odds that that person also is going to live well with the way you live? You're now bringing all kinds of other, what if they're messy? What if they're, so much of the tension. You set yourself up for failure almost.

Yeah, and I just don't get it like let's have separate places and I'll stay at your place sometimes you stay at my place sometimes and then

but we have places we can escape to that's harder I feel like because then you have like you almost go into jail knowing I'm never leaving when you're like we live together

but when you have to do the like I'm gonna go home tonight and then you always end up with like the oh you are yeah it's almost like a fight every night I'm going to go home tonight, and then you always end up with the, oh, you are. Oh, you are. Yeah, it's almost like a fight every night.

I'm like, you know what? Fine. I fucking live here now. What it should be is a schedule. It's almost like the divorce thing. It's like, I stay here Monday, Tuesday, and I'm separate Wednesday, Thursday. Why every week, though, couldn't you just set up your date nights, and those are the nights you spend together?

And then also, when you have that fight and you walk out they know where you're going like you're going i'm not what about the same place different rooms so you're in that's what that's what you have is that prisoners huh yeah separate separate bed separate dinners for me i don't know if this was specific to me but a couple relationships i was in it was like we always had to have the same thing for dinner. And not even when we were cooking. It was like, you want pizza? No.

It's like, oh, you want Chinese? But I want pizza, so let's just fucking order from different places and eat what we want, sleep when we want. You know what I mean? You can't just tailor your whole life to someone else's schedule, desires, likes, dislikes. It's nuts. I don't get it.

A lot of therapists will tell you to keep the sexual element alive in a relationship, in a monogamous relationship. Don't walk around topless. Don't walk around bottomless. Don't walk around naked from the shower. Because covering yourself up keeps the allure going a little bit. If it's so benign that they just see you naked every time, who cares anymore?

It desexualizes it. Why would that? They also tell you don't jerk off a lot to porn if you want to still fuck your wife or whatever, because it's going to, again, it desexualizes things. So why would that be any different in applied to, like, meals or whatever, conversations? It's like, how much can we fucking talk about, man? Somebody said to me once, I go, how's it going with the girl?

And he goes, dude, it's brutal, dude. He goes, I don't know, I have nothing left to talk to her about. And he goes, I love her, but I just don't know what else to talk to her about. Like, I mean, of course, you need recharge time. Right. You know, but people get so, you know, you take offense to it almost. People get sensitive if you don't want to talk or don't want to eat together or whatever. But you got to, I think it was Adam Carolla who once really described it really well as like a car engine or a machine engine where it's like there's only so many hours you can run this thing it's not about it's not about the time it's

about how many times you're like you know pedal to the metal with this relationship right because if you burn it out it's like the seinfeld uh you know the weekend away is worth like months in a relationship but yeah it's it's all a catastrophe just stay single open up a bar and fucking sell sandwiches man you got the key man you got you figured it out dude yeah this is living the dream It's all a catastrophe. Just stay single, open up a bar, and fucking sell sandwiches, man. You got the key, man. You figured it out, dude. This is living the dream right here. We'll see.

We'll see. You mentioned the other podcasts. I mean, Taste Buds has got to be one of the greatest things tailored, especially for Instagram, for social media. It's just such an easy. We used to do it, like a similar idea back in the day. And when you can get two guys who can just argue either... Do you get to choose your sides? Mm-hmm.

Could you argue either side of it, do you think? Or is it, like, truly passionate arguments? Sometimes. Sometimes we did Taco Bell versus KFC. I love both. Yeah. And I probably actually prefer KFC, but I argued Taco Bell versus KFC. I love both. Yeah. And I probably actually prefer KFC, but I argued Taco Bell because I was like... Taco Bell is clearly superior.

You know, well, Sal was like, I think I can only confidently argue KFC. And I was like, I can argue Taco Bell. Like, I think highly enough of it. Yeah. I can defend it. That's the beauty of it. Yeah. And a lot of this shit, podcasting, and we have a YouTube series where it and like yeah i can i can that's the beauty of it is yeah and and a lot of the shit podcasting and uh we have a youtube series where it's like the key is uh arguing seriously

about non-serious topics yeah exactly you know like take that shit be passionate about you know yeah what's like been your number one does any does any of the taste bud arguments stick out in your mind? Yeah. Weed versus alcohol was the one that really stands out. Got passionate. It got as heated as it's ever gotten. You're a big drinker, right? You were against weed? Yeah, I fought against weed.

Yeah, I saw that. And I had a lot of people come after me. Yeah, I mean the weed community. The weed community, yes. They are, you know. Man, they get mad. It's like, smoke some weed and chill out, dude. I know. Still also, you think they kind of like, you won, man.

Like my whole life, they were the fucking loud, annoying people. And like, you won. You got it. It's basically legal everywhere. You can get weed just fine. Like, shut up. But now I almost feel like they're like a hipster with a band you know what i mean like i was smoking weed when it was illegal like oh you don't you don't hit the dab dude you don't fucking you know whatever all these different

things are it's like well it's weird because now a lot of the there's this section section of the weed culture that's like bernie bros or whatever where it's like you're now acting like the drunks that everybody used to complain about right i haven't seen a drunk this angry in a long time right in a bar whatever present company excluded but uh but you know like i um the weed people got like it was crazy that episode was our biggest episode i think ever and there like 2,000 comments in the first week on the YouTube video, which is more than average for us. And almost every comment was somebody calling me a stupid asshole. Because of my take on weed.

But then I tripled down on it. I kept doing these fake apologies. And then I down on it. I kept doing these fake apologies. Then I would twist it and be like – like I went on one morning like all disheveled at the beginning of an episode. And I was like, guys, I just want to – I was up all night thinking about the weed alcohol episode. And I was like – I just – it just kept me awake all night reading your comments and everything. And I'm sorry about my appearance, but I didn't get any sleep because I was like, I just can't believe how right I was.

And then at the end of it, I was like, I'm just kidding. I wasn't up all night. I just wanted to appear in a form that you fucking potheads could relate to. Once they started doing that, people started to be like all right we're not gonna win this one fine yeah but um but that was the one that stuck it it's weird like people seem to have gotten more um

uh well you know not aggravated but but like the ones that are not food related get a little more actual like an argument not necessarily between me and you know what we did pool versus beach and we got a little hot on that one yeah we've done all these all throughout the time as well and like people get really passionate about when I tell people that I prefer an above

ground pool to an in ground pool you would think I spit in their mother's face slap the baby they get so I'm one of the people. I'm one of the people who get very affected by this. That's interesting. What makes you prefer? I mean, I'm not passionate enough either way about a pool, so I don't care.

I mean, it's because I grew up. My first pools were above ground, and I had so much fun in them. But logistically, I like that you can do the whirlpool. I grew up in a small house, too. I like big ones. But I like that you can do the whirlpool. I like whirlpools, and I like the rough waves, and those are objectively better in an above-ground pool.

When was the last time you did a whirlpool? Yeah, I mean, I don't do any of this shit anymore. When was the last time I've even been in a pool? I don't do any of this. But when I did, I know they look nicer, sure, all that, but I like the above-ground pool with the little floating chlorine thing. And I like the rough waves and I like, you know, jumping out of it and like grabbing the ball and have to climb back in.

I like all that shit. I don't know. It's white trash and I enjoy it. But people get mad. Yeah. Mad. And then I lean into it because I'm an asshole. Yeah, that's what I do too.

Yeah, right. I love being a dick. But that's, I mean, that's, you know, the one thing we always talk about here is there comes a moment in everyone's internet career, whether you're like post-college and you're sitting in a cube at a desk on the computer all day long for the first time. And you start to read blogs or follow accounts or whatever, and you stumble upon the argument of whether you wipe your ass sitting down or standing up. Because you don't know that there's another side to it until you're like 23. And then you're like, what? You do whichever the opposite side is.

And it blows people's minds. And I have to remember that as an entertainer, podcaster, host, whatever, I gotta do this argument again with the same gusto for those people who are recognizing it for the first time when it's like man I have said a thousand times I think you're a fucking lunatic

if you stand up with shit in your ass I think it's crazy too I just saw that cheeks closed kinda not the way I do it you stand up and lean forward I guess they do I don't know if you stand straight up your your cheeks are going to close.

That's crazy. I find the standing is not really, you know, people, when they explain it, they're not standing. Right. They're more just like leaning. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I full stand. Oh, really? Yeah, I full stand.

See, I didn't even know that until now, and that is despicable, because you then have poopy cheeks. I full stand. You also, his shit habits are weird. It's like once a week maximum. It's bizarre. Yeah, I mean, I'll be like this. No, you won't. You're fucking trolling right now.

You'll stand up and check the time. I will. In my toilet in my apartment. It is fun to do though. You gotta do it right away. Alright, let's go. I get it.

I get it. So you get the toilet paper right there. And I had a nice window right there looking out. So you get up and check the neighborhood. Oh, you're a filthy animal. You're disgusting. I don't think I knew that people who stood didn't stand. I think I'm learning right now that people who stand don't actually stand.

No, that's not how I do it. I fucking stand up. You have shit in your ass cheeks that then close together. I guess. No. No. It's like a science thing. I think, all right, so here's my twist.

You should get the shit out of your ass as soon as possible. I agree. I shit. Listen, I have been shitting properly. I've been shitting for 36 years, man. I'm an expert shitter. I have a professional shitter. There's just not shit in my ass cheeks when I stay like.

Well, if you have a fucking nasty one there is. That never happens. You got a clean, you're a clean shitter? Is your ass hairy? No, fucking heaven. That's, well, that's a huge. Yeah. Hairy ass.

That's a huge part of it. I'm not hairy at all. Well, then that's got a lot to do with why you're getting away clean. Right. I mean, you got a hairy ass. It's like putting, you know, like Play-Doh through one of those toys. Whoa. Yeah, he pushes through.

Betsy. Yeah, it's going to be gross, you know? I do remember one time, because I really don't understand standing. I just don't think it's necessary. And then I had the argument with Pat McAfee once, and he was like, work in a squat once or twice in your life. I physically can't do it. My legs are so big.

My arms are bigger. He's like, if I'm sitting, I can't get in there. I have to stand and angle it. I actually don't know if I'm— Listen, yeah, you're a professional punter. You probably got tree trunks for legs I guess apparently you have stumpy arms

Matthew I don't know he probably has to go in from the front like a weirdo if he can't reach around his ass that's how you get

a UTI yeah front to back I probably I've never even tried sitting I probably couldn't do it

not because of size just because of flexibility I don't know if I got it there's nothing flexible about it I'm never gonna find out I just lean Couldn't do it. Not because of size, just because of flexibility. I don't know if I got it. There's nothing flexible about it. I'm never going to find out.

I just lean. I don't get it. I don't understand. You lean to your left side or right side? I guess it depends if you're left or right. I lean left. Because you're righty, right? Yeah, I lean left.

But yeah, I get it. Once in a while, you'll strike a nerve or something when you lean. Because you do it the wrong way. Your whole leg immediately goes numb. Yeah, it's not like... My legs are already numb because I sit there for so long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah? With my phone or my magazine or Nintendo DS or whatever.

I'll be in there an hour, no problem. Yeah. No, not an hour. But usually because I usually... It dries up by that point I usually go shit to shower I tell you I usually

I strip down whole clothes off and I do about an hour hour process in the bathroom that's my yeah I do it in the morning yeah go right into the shower

but I still will take some serious time I like to you know relax it's meditative in a way this is why this is why these arguments

discussions work. You just did 10 minutes there. There's something very I don't know, the arguing and debating, especially nowadays. It's almost like Tastebuds is taking what's awful about the internet now and making

it enjoyable because everything's so polarized. Nobody will ever just say like oh fuck you know what you're right like i i agree with you i'm changing my opinion and that's when it's in politics and sports and sex and all that shit it's annoying but when you make it fun about like you know peanut butter cups versus kit kats or whatever it's like then then it becomes enjoyable yeah you two are good at it thank Thank you. Thank you very much. The amount of the dramatics that come out of it is very funny.

And it is real. We don't like, you know, we're not sitting there being like, okay, remember to get really worked up or whatever. The show started because Sal and I had a couple of those arguments for real in life. And then he was like, I think we could do a podcast of this. And then, so that's how it started. But, like, we really felt that passionately. And then, like, when we started to expand it into taste, just meaning our taste.

Yeah. Movies. That got even more fun. Well, movies is my other podcast. We'll probably never do movies. Not movies, but you did Han Solo versus Luke Skywalker and that kind of shit. That was a fun one. That one got real crazy.

Right. Because you'll just get hung up on some dumb thing. I remember Sal kept saying, I was saying, let's just pull up pictures and see who looks cooler. And we just Googled han solo and

pulled up first 10 google images and sal kept being like well it's not fair because you know you're getting the same outfit in every picture and i was like no no you we're picking 10 pictures at random who looks cooler so and then so i'll be like well i'm gonna google luke in the all black no you can't do that we're going just who is just by definition cooler by the first 10 pictures that i'm getting like pissed off now talking because he didn't understand and i was like fucking screaming at him um so like stuff like that like will really i don't really get too worked up about politics um i get really worked up about politics. I get really worked up about the little shit.

That's the way to be. Let the little things give you a heart attack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I can at least maybe have an effect on those things. Yeah. Possibly. Right. And how did you and Sal link up?

What's the connection there? Just like through the business? I met Sal I had when I lived in LA I was producing a weekly show because that's how bad stage time is out there that I had a weekly show

so it's like 18 years into fucking comedy or whatever it was but anyway let it out Joe let it out I'm not a fan anyway LA doesn't suck Hollywood sucks fucking comedy or whatever it was. But anyway. Let it out, Joe. Let it out, man. The place sucks. I'm not a fan. Anyway, LA doesn't suck. Hollywood sucks.

How long were you there? Six years. Six years. Yeah. Got a lot done. Don't want to live there. Right. Anyway, so yeah, one night, one of the producers, I think her name was Emily, and she goes, she's like, oh, my God.

It was right before the show started. She's like, oh, my God, Sal Volcano's in town, and he wants to do the show. And I was like, who's that? Why are you freaking out? And she was like, he's on Impractical Jokers. And I was like, what's that? And she was like, you don't know Impractical?

And I was like, no, I didn't know any of it. So I was like, yeah, I don't care. You're so was like no i didn't know any of it so i was like yeah i don't care like you're so excited like yeah i'm gonna come on the show like whatever and he came in and we started talking and i was like man he's a really nice guy and uh and i was like hey dude like i've heard of your show like i heard it's really big like congrats that's great and um and he was like dude i'm a big uh ona fan and i've listened to you on there and i love your comedy and i was like that's all you got to say to me right yeah spread the legs yeah but but uh we went drinking afterwards uh we just hit it off

we just went drinking and i was like i like this guy and then he was like I'm friends with Oakerson and I was like oh shit okay so I think that's what some people don't sometimes realize about Sal and the Impractical Joker because you know Impractical Jokers became this network TV or cable TV thing and like it's like you know

he's a real comic who knows the real comics and funny as fuck yeah it was it's funny all of my friendships are seem to be formed in out of like nights of drinking that's because i can tell how like i like a guy yeah if you're gonna post up with me and we're really gonna get some as dan says get some work done yeah like um i i connect to people like that so like sal and i had two of those nights. I actually had a night with Sal.

The second night where I was like, man, we're really going to be friends was at a festival called Clusterfest in San Francisco. And I spent half the night at the party for the comics. I spent half the night at the bar with Sal. And then I spent the other half of the night at the bar with Trevor Moore. Rest in peace. And my friendship with both of them was born out of that night.

Trevor became one of my best friends. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. To me, that's how it should all... The people who don't find their friends that way, I'm like, how do you find your friends? Yeah, I know, right? You mean like rec league tag?

I'm probably going to meet you at a bar. Anything past childhood, I'm going to meet you and learn about you in a bar setting. Yeah, it's three. If not, we're probably not going to be friends at all. It's three options. It's substance abuse, church, or support group. Those are the three places that it all comes out. You know what is the worst?

I hate having kids. I think back to my childhood, and my parents were friends with my friend's parents. They seemed to be real friends. Now that I'm doing that, I'm like, you're fine. I wouldn't mind talking to you on the sidelines of our kid's soccer game for 15 minutes, but I don't want to be friends with you. You know what I mean? Are you younger than most of your parents?

Or are you properly aged? I don't even know. I don't even know their ages. But it seems... I mean, I certainly see younger. You strike me as younger. Because I think I live younger. They show up in boat shoes and khaki shorts with their polos tucked in

and looking like I look at the time. And they kind of know, some of them know who I am, and so that gets weird. And I'm just like, let this fucking, let the clock hit zero on this game and let's get the fuck out of here, kids. I don't want to be friends with these people. They're just other dads, you know. But if I could sit with them at the bar,

maybe I could learn what you need to learn about a guy. That's where you find out who somebody is. It's like that. But if I could sit with them at the bar, maybe I could learn what you need to learn about a guy. Yeah. That's where you find out who somebody is. You know, Pete Holmes and I are old friends. And I've known Pete from the beginning of comedy, my career. And he had a talk show on TBS for a while. And I wrote, I was a monologue writer for the show for the two seasons it was on. And we did a monologue about our friendship,

and it was the phases of friendship. Because we would joke in real life. Level, you'd be like, Roses, level seven. This is a new thing. And we would keep note of it. Like, what was the first level? Yeah, yeah. So we did a monologue about it.

But it was all these things. It was like, level two, the first time you get, like, fucked up with your friend, and they like to get fucked up the way you do. Level three, shit talk. When you finally go, I'm going to talk shit to you about somebody right now. And if the person's like, I'm in. Yes. You're like, we got a thing going.

But you're saying shit talk about others. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because I also think shit talking to each other, it's like, if I'm nice to you, I'm in. You're like, we got a thing going. But you're saying shit talking about others. I also think shit talking to each other, it's like, if I'm nice to you, I probably hate your guts. That was like level four, was being mean to each other to make each other laugh or whatever. But it was all the steps that you go through. That's a good Ten Commandments list. That should be set in stone.

I got to try to find them. I think the monologue is still on YouTube. I got to try to find them. I think the monologue is still on YouTube. I got to try to find it. It was all the classic these are the things you do. If you see a red flag at any point with one of these stages, it will halt the friendship. It can't

go on. If I try to talk shit to you about somebody and you're like, I don't know, man. I'm like, you're out. Can't trust you. We're not going to be fun to buzz balls with people. Yeah. It's not like I can't be friends with you

if you're not a drinker. We're probably not going to be super friends. I can't really be friends with you. It's like when someone comes around that doesn't drink it's like you can't fully trust them in the situation right you know it's like yeah we can be friends but knowing that you're gonna have control of yourself this whole time while we don't

i don't like that well it's funny man soda is one of my closest friends and uh i never hang out with him yeah he's one of my dearest friends. He really is. Because you stopped drinking? But we both get it because Soder's just like, yeah, man, I kind of stay home with my lady, and I smoke a little weed, and that's what I do now. And it's like, I get it. I don't do that. I love you.

So I'll see you around. I also think when the person who stops drinking, I don't really drink much at all, and I certainly don't drink like I used to drink. And it's like now so now i know you kind of don't want me there if you guys are going to tie one on so i'm just gonna bow out but it's not like uh we can't be friends anymore yeah but you also get to a stat that's got to be pre-established yeah it's uh it's hard to become really close if you meet under those circumstances yeah it's good you gotta know at least a i think we've said before where it's like if you look i know drink and i never drank my whole life that's weird if you're like look i drank and i drank fucking too hard yeah but also hang out

like okay you i can trust because you've been through shit if you're scared to ever let yourself go then i don't trust you remember brian cox on um hard knocks like the like the rex ryan yeah he's like every every man needs a vice? Yeah, he's like, every man needs a vice and if you don't have a vice, I can't trust you. You know, you either do drugs or you fuck or you drink or whatever,

but if you're like frontward facing, squeaky clean, you're probably like chopping bodies up. It's absolutely true. I agree with that. Like, you know, one of the greatest, and I mean, I knew this about John already

because he used to talk about it early on in stand-up. But my respect went up even higher for Mulaney when he was like, yeah, he got deep into a coke thing. He was talking details, too. When he came back, some of those sets he was doing were talking about the amount he had and where and when. I was like, whoop, whoop, whoop. This is awesome. I met John, again, early on in comedy. But I met him when he first had become sober.

And he still did. I don't even think it. I might be wrong, but I don't think the material even made it to his first album. But he used to do material about doing coke and shit. See, that was like original John Mulaney. It was kind of dark. It was still the same personality, but everybody

now is being like, oh, this new turn and whatever. And I'm like, no, that's kind of like who he used to talk about this shit. I'm glad he's talking about it again. The sober shit was the turn. I remember when I first got into him, which is, I think it was New in Town. What was the first

Netflix special? I think New in Town was the second. He's in the gray suit. It's a blue backdrop. New in Town's the first one and then the comeback kid was the second one. So it was New in Town where he's talking about how he's sober and he can't drink anymore. But then the only story he ever told from that

special on that I'd ever heard was like he was drunk at a high school party and he yelled cops and they all ran or whatever. And I remember thinking, I'm like, oh, that's not like, you didn't have like a drinking problem. You were just 18. That's a different thing. And then now that he's telling more stories, like, oh, okay.

You did have a substance abuse problem. He did a thing to me not to me but i asked him to do it but we were at a we were actually we're at pete holmes okay where's this going we were at pete holmes's house for a party and i said john was talking about this was before he relapsed like when he got sober and all that and i was like john i can't even picture you like being a bad drunk. Like, what were you like? And he was like, and he got right into my face.

And he's like, you think you're fucking better than me? Like, and he started doing it. And he was like, that's what I was like. And he went into it so seamlessly that I was like, okay, like he's got another thing. Yeah. That he can go to that he clearly does not like going to. But it was so convincing, and I was just like, all right, I can see it now. I couldn't see it before, you know?

Because he was – He's so clean cut. The suit with everything is always like – from what I had seen, again, because I didn't know – I don't know him, and I didn't know his older stuff. I was like, oh, this isn't like – he can't have a real problem. Yeah. You wear a suit. You can't be a drunk.

That's how it felt. You shaved your face and you're wearing a suit? You're fine, man. You got way more put together than I do. Yeah, you can be, if you're in a suit, you always think, well, they could be like a Dean Martin drunk. Yeah, but they can't be like a

you can tie a knot. It can't possibly be abusive or something. That top button's still done. Everything's all set. Not even in wedding mode yet. But I know a lot of guys, and I won't name names because they don't talk about it openly on stage, but I know a lot of guys that are squeaky clean on stage,

really give out a very Nickelodeon vibe, and they like to put it away, which makes me like them more. I mean, I'm not putting the emphasis on the booze itself. I'm putting, again, it's like your friend said. You see a guy that seems to be well put together, and you learn he's got a vice. You're like, you're a normal person. Yeah.

That's what happens to humans. Yeah. Like, you know, yeah, you're not trying to portray this image of whatever. I can't stand people trying to put an image onto me, whatever it is. If you drink in or – I've had friends that do drugs and do a lot of them. Every other week, they're trying to tell you that they're not doing them. You're like, dude, just do them. Right, right, right them right yeah right right like i don't care it's not my business look around man i had a friend who was like that who had like he was doing a lot of drugs but he was doing them so

openly that i was like whatever and then he went to rehab he's like yeah i was the whole time i was with you i was addicted to drugs and i was like well you were yeah but you were just doing them like it wasn't you weren't being sneaky about it so i was just like all right he seems fine right that logic still makes sense you're doing the fucking blasting off right in front of you yeah i can't get it yeah yeah yeah you're right i did cross my mind you seem to be doing a lot of cocaine. I thought Tuesday cocaine was a thing. So you and Sal do taste buds and then Sal's got to split his time

with that fucking pig, DeStefano. What a pig. He's disgusting. I haven't made any videos about him in a while. I've got to start making this is whiskey for DeStefano. He's disgusting. I haven't made videos about him in a while. I've got to start making. This is whiskey for DiStefano. Piggyback. He's an animal.

And then I do another podcast called We'll See You in Hell with my friend Pat Walsh, where we review movies, mostly horror, but all kinds of movies. And that's a lot of fun to do, too. You got a horror thing? Huge horror collection, huge horror enthusiast. What's your number one franchise? It's tough to say. It used to be Creepshow, but this new series has really sucked.

I don't even know what that one is. What's Creepshow? Creepshow was a movie that George Romero, Stephen King, and Tom Savini made in the 80s. And then they made Creepshow 2. And then they made Tales from the Dark Side, the movie, which was the unofficial Creepshow 3. I think that's a perfect trilogy of horror movies. Unfortunately, they've turned into a series now on Shudder. And it's been pretty bad.

But so I guess Creepshow. Maybe Nightmare. You got to always tip your hat to Nightmare on Elm Street just for what it did globally. Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street when I was probably like five and six. I had an older brother, so I was watching that shit pretty early.

But that always was like the... Nightmare on Elm Street is just a great concept. The idea of you can't fall asleep because you're going to fucking do it. It's amazing. Yeah, that one to me. But, you know, it's like franchises are tough because, particularly in horror, because they go for so many episodes.

And so it's hard to be like, well, a great franchise is this because chances are they've put a lot of doozies in. I always say I'm not scared of horror but then i go through how many horror movies i have not seen and it's like well you might be scared of horror but so i i feel like i'm a pussy as i'm getting older i feel like i'm afraid to watch scary movies i'm like what are you it's a fucking child i i will, almost like my brain will know. It's like, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, and I'll fall asleep during a horror movie

because it's like, we don't want to see this stuff. I don't see it anymore. But I was watching, I watched Friday the 13th, recently the new one, but I forget exactly what it's called. Not Friday the 13th, Halloween, the new Halloween. Terrible. We did so bad. It was terrible.

It was almost impossible. That's one of the franchises I'm referring to. It's like, Halloween has some classics, but my God, man, they just won't let it go. But then the movie guys here were explaining to me, because I've seen a smattering of them here and there, and then they were explaining to me how these three movies are on this timeline, and then these three movies are like,

Jamie Lee Curtis isn't Jason's sister timeline, and then these movies are on this timeline and then these three movies are like Jamie Lee Curtis isn't Jason's sister timeline and then these movies are on that timeline. I was like, wait, they go through different timelines with the same character. They're just trying new ways to shoot it. It's crazy. Well, they do that with everything now because

now they can retcon any mistake they've ever made. Everybody does that. Spider-Man's now doing that with the Spider-Verse. You know, the new one is going to fix the Andrew Garfield missteps. Right, right. It's going to fix the Raimi trilogy kind of tapering off and never getting the fourth installment it was supposed to have, whatever. You know, the new Flash movie is Infinite Earths DC,

so it's like they've got Keaton's in it, all the Batman, Affleck's in it, all the Batmans are. It's a great way, you know, they're doing it now with Star Wars too. Like all the books and video games are considered the Legends timeline now, and then the movies are the canon, and, you know. Yeah. They can do this with, this is how you fix it now. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know? Which is fine. That's what counter books do all the time. It's like cheap, but it's like, yeah, let's like, they can do this with this is how you fix it now right you know which is fine that's what counter books do all the time but it's like yeah let's like if you fuck it up let's get it right

you know what I mean let's give the fans what they want and fix this problem which is why did you watch Dexter no so Dexter had a like

notoriously horrific ending and then you know what 10 years 12 years I don't know how many years later, they are doing this new final season. And so far, that shit sucks. Does it?

Yeah. I've heard nothing about it. And I was like, no, this has got to be good. It's the original people. There's no way they would bring it back if it also stunk. They have to know they have a home run on their hands. I'm three or four episodes in and I'm like, this is fucking also bad. Are they ignoring the events of

the original finale? No. In the very end, he goes to become a lumberjack and it's set in Alaska or wherever the fuck he is. He's in Massachusetts. Okay, whatever. It's some cold town. I'm like, this is fucking bad.

How do you do that? You got to know that they can't be sitting there being like, this lives up to season one or season four. They're like, no, this shit sucks. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough. I mean, that's why I'm not too mad at this infinite realities approach to things now, at least to fantasy stuff, because worst case scenario,

I'm going to get more of something. Yeah. And if it's bad, you ignore it. And if it's good, whatever. I always said that when people were like, the sequel ruined it. I'm like, did it? The sequel was another, it was a cash grab.

It doesn't affect the first movie. Because the example that people always talk about, too, is Caddyshack and Caddyshack 2. Caddyshack 2 ruined the franchise. I don't even know if I've ever seen Caddyshack 2. Caddyshack 2 ruined the franchise. I don't even know if I've ever seen Caddyshack 2. Caddyshack 1. Yeah.

How did it ruin it? Yeah, it's just like who gives a shit? But then also too, like, you know, if the new thing sucks, I'll say it sucks. Right.

And I'll say maybe it's time to let it go. But at the same time, you know, Ghostbusters just did it. I liked it. I thought it was great. Yeah.

I mean, you know, it was fun. It was fan service. It was like, I'm not saying it's's the greatest thing ever produced, but new, old, mixed together, good storyline. It was kind of setting up the new era. I felt like we're going to see more of the new guys than the old guys.

I also can't. I get bent out of shape when people are mad about it. It's Ghostbusters, man. It's supposed to be fun and stupid, we're talking about like like somebody was like what does this do to further the you know the timeline of the story i don't know man they're just doing it with the new kids like norton shut up norton i was on jim and sam and i was like i'm like i'm all excited i'm gonna go see ghostbusters today and uh norton goes, why? And I go, well, you don't think it'll be any good?

And he goes, how could it be? It's a 40-year-old ghost franchise. All right, so we have the podcast and then the – Joey Rose's. Joey Rose's on 171, what did you say it was? I'll plug everything. Joey Rose's, 174 Rivington Street in the Lower East Side of New York City. Come see us. We're open Wednesday through Sunday right now.

We open at 12 p.m. every day. Full bar, sandwiches, expanding menu as we go. We'll be seven days soon enough. What's the best sandwich on the menu? I mean, everybody's got their favorite. The local seems to do really well Which is what? Which is a turkey and roast beef

With hot cherry peppers Tomatoes, onions, mayonnaise White American cheese There's a sandwich called the Eastie That's pepidews Prosciutto, salami Asiago cheese I was hoping there was maybe

Going to be a couple sandwiches Because I'm hungry They're going to come by with gifts for us You fucking asshole You know what? I need to start doing that Yeah, it would have been great Keep getting shit that I'm not doing that.

It really adds a whole other hour to your day. Anyway, so come see us at Joey Rose's. JoeyRose'sNYC.com. Taste Buds is available every Monday on YouTube. Full video on the No Presh Network channel. You can also get audio of every episode wherever you get your podcast from. And then we'll see you in hell.

Back catalog is completely available wherever you get your podcast from and on Starburns Audio. And then the new episodes are on patreon.com slash W-S-Y-I-H podcast. Awesome, man. Thanks, guys. Alright, let's go get some sandwiches with Joe.

Make sure you eat your sandwiches. Hit up his spot. Go get tickets and watch him. Taste Buds with him and Sal is so fucking ridiculous. Those two go off the rails arguing about M&M versus Skittles or whatever it is. You've never seen two people argue with such passion over completely ridiculous topics. So check out Jota Rosa. Now let's get into it with Eagle

Wit, one of the funniest new comics out here in New York City. Ricky Velez was the one who put us onto him. Young dude coming through and chopping it up with us. Let's just say you slide right in when you're talking about Stone Cold with a Pussy or Beyonce with a Dick. So Eagle Wit fitting in perfectly.

Beyonce's dick would be so much bigger than mine. Beyonce's dick would be so majestic. It would be so, like, so lovely. You think you're fucking

with that dick? Yeah, right. Beyonce's dick would be the gayest thing of all time. Right? Think about it. Think about what could be gayer than a Beyonce

with a dick. I guess a man with a dick, but not really. Because the gays love Beyonce so much, right? Is Beyonce a gay icon? No. Wow, I thought she would be like

Slay Queen Slay. Nicki Minaj, Ariana Grande. Oh, I didn't know Minaj. I thought I was going to say like Cher. Oh, Cher, yeah, of course. Did you just say her? You were just like... Oh my god. Alright, Nicki Minaj with you just purr? More recently. He was just like... Oh, my God. Nicki Minaj, bro?

All right, all right. Nicki Minaj with a dick, I guess, is gayer than that. But whatever. It's Eagle Witt on KC Radio. This is so seamless. It's like 15 years of just... So anyway, speaking of crack... That's what's funny, though.

How did he do it? That is what's funny, is people say that, and I'm like, thank you, I appreciate it, but really that's all it is, is you just be like, so, anyway, or just like, if you pick one thing that kind of connects the things, it's a good segue. I just watched him do the Antonio Brown one, and it was a crypto thing? It was, yeah, for TradeZero. Well, Antonio needs money, go to TradeZero.com.

That's it, that's all it takes is one little segue. And people seem to love it. I would face the wall. It's all it takes, dude. But yeah, I saw your post recently. What was it? You were like the youngest person to perform at the Cellar or get passed at the Cellar. I'm the youngest person on the wall.

On the wall. Yeah. That's fucking wild, man. 27. 27. Shit. That's like, I i mean how did that happen would you sneak that up there yourself just came in with someone take it down afterwards like all right you got your instagram now it's gone i don't know i mean i've been in there i've been in there what three years now so that's so you got it you know you got in early uh yeah just

asked for a picture and i was like yeah, yeah, I guess. Yeah, here. I gave like three different pictures. One of them was like, I was like thirst trapping. I was like on a piano, had my foot up. You know what I mean? Those are always so funny. Liz, she was like, no, not that. She was like, you look like a predator.

I was like, I wanted that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I am. This is the most accurate portrait I love me I see the headshots and shit cause you know

I know a lot of guys are a lot of comics are also probably trying to be actors and shit so you gotta do all the professional shit but also sometimes

you know when I see some of like the dirtball comics I know being like you know get out of here with that shit but that's funny man that's uh I feel like that's that's a pretty big of here with that shit. But that's funny, man.

That's, I feel like that's a pretty big honor. I mean, that's young, dude. That's, you got, you've been doing it

since you were like four or whatever. No, no. I started at, what, 20, 21. All right. So that's actually

like late considered. No, it is. Right? Yeah. Yeah. But I feel like those, those, like monuments

or achievements or whatever in the comedy world are like a a big sign of you're doing things right. When you get past or you get on the wall or you get time or whatever. Yeah, shit's going smooth. It's going pretty well. It's going better than I thought. It's crazy. Yeah?

You dove in thinking this is going to go horribly. I just didn't really. I was like, whatever. That's when shit works though, right? I guess, right? Everybody always told me to do stand-up. And I didn't really, I was like, whatever. You know, I don't know. That's when shit works though, right? I guess, right? Yeah. Everybody always told me to do stand-up and I didn't want to do it. And then eventually I was like, all right, fuck it. You're just like the funny guy on your crew sort of thing?

Yeah. I feel like everyone gets that. And then like the funniest dude at every like accounting firm is like, you should do stand-up. Betty, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. But you got lucky. It's true, though. We've heard that so many times. My best friend says that I would be

fucking great at Barstool. You probably wouldn't be, man. You'd probably be pretty bad at this. Judging by that statement right there, probably not, dude. There's also such a difference between... You could be dead-ass very, very, very funny with your friends.

That doesn't mean that you can be a stand-up comic. Oh, yeah, for sure. It's a whole different game that I don't know. You guys are crazy for doing. I think you're all sick in the head. I'm definitely sick in the head. I agree. I think we're all sick in the head for real.

Comedians are gross people. That's why it's so funny that all of this shit has gotten so dramatic. Somebody posted – i think it was kim cogden posted the other day like we're all uh like like traumatized mentally and horny so stop looking to us to like be the leader of the cause or or worry about your feelings or you know like we're just fucking creeps up here the fact that people expect you know well let me get my moral senses from the comedian no no no no no no like When you break it down that simple, it's like, what the fuck are people doing? I always think about, because comedians get in trouble for saying crazy shit.

But that was the funniest kid in school. The funniest kid in school wasn't the one who won class clown. It was the one who was so bad, they wouldn't reward him. You know what I mean? Getting kicked out of class every day. That was the funny one. The funny kid's at home being suspended. Yes, yeah. You know what I mean? Getting kicked out of class every day. That was the funny one. The funny kids at home being suspended.

Yes, absolutely. Yeah, no, it is a weird, weird. I guess it's just because you get famous and you get a platform at any time. I hate when people are like, you have a platform. It's like, so I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want with that platform, man. I don't owe you shit. Yeah. You expect me to like, you know, preach for this group or that group?

It's like, I'm just going to crack my jokes, man. Right. Their no longer a platform if you do that right their platform right that's a great point man it's a great point but so so uh well if you didn't if you if this wasn't the plan what what what were you doing or what was the dog i was gonna be homeless i think i didn't have it i don't know that's what made me do stand-up. I was like, I don't know what else I could do, I guess. Famous comedian being my backup player. I love that shit. That's fucking great. People are like, they're always like,

in order to achieve your dreams, you can't have a backup player. You can't have a parachute. You just got to go. You're like, dude, my dream is home with it. Comedy just got in the way. Damn it. It's funny, man. There really was no, like, what were you literally doing before you started or when you were doing a bike?

I worked at a footlocker. You know what I mean? I didn't really. Were you rocking the referee? Oh, baby. Yeah. Three stripes. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Ten and a half, ten. Okay. And I knew nothing about sneakers. Really? I was the worst one there. And they're like real sneaker heads. They run.

They sprint to get the sneakers. They fight each other over boxes. They're making like $10 commission an hour. They're selling like so many sneakers. And I was just like, listen, man, one of my coworkers will get it for you. I don't know. Yo, we had. They call up like the Secret Service. They got a thing in many sneakers. I was just like, listen, man, one of my co-workers will get it for you. They call up the Secret Service. They got a thing in the back. It's crazy.

This is years and years ago. I still live in Boston. We were seven, eight years ago. We had a fan who was... Kevin and I both went through a phase where we were into sneakers. We had this fan reach out. He's like, yo, I'm going to get you the new Jordan 11s. I think they were. I forget exactly what sneaker it was. It was 72 and 10s.

Or, no, so that's not what I got. I got, like, a pair of Jordan 5s, right? Okay. And he's like, yeah, dude, just, like, meet me at the mall. I'll hook you up with him. And I was like, word. Like, I'm about to do a little deal in the food court. I get there.

I shoot him a text. I'm like, yo, like, I'm here. Where you at at he's like meet me in the footlocker going to the footlocker the dude just works in footlocker and they were and they were like a hundred of the shoes that i was getting the deal on on the wall i could just i could just strolled in and bought the fucking shoes i drove out to a mall like at western mass like an hour and a half on my way to just get a pair of not fucking rare jordans that is funny i remember the i don't know it was the same dude who just

got you the wrong size and you were just like all right whatever yeah dude he's like all right i got a 10 and a half i was like i'm 11 and a half a fucker whatever man sneaker the sneaker world is transaction to end sneaker world's a weird one man were you never into it at all i mean not really it's crazy because i have a pretty nice collection of sneakers but it's all like i don't i don't even know how i accumulate sneakers i mean like my brother-in-law's a hype beast he gives me sneakers i'm like cool i don't know if they're gonna fall on my lap like yeah i i stopped like after the pandemic during like the beginning of pandemic i guess i was like looking the pandemic during like the beginning of pandemic

i guess i was like looking at it i had these fucking shelves with them all up there and i was just like what the fuck have i done oh what am i you're deep in yeah i got a lot of like a hundred pairs and i was just it was something like it was like i always liked them when i was younger and i couldn't get them my mom wouldn't get them for me i couldn't afford them and then when i had a little bit of money i just wanted wanted to, like, check that box. But then it spiraled out of control. I was just buying fucking. I don't think I'll ever be a grown-up on a level of footwear.

You know how, like, grown men hit a certain age and they're like, no, I wear shoes. Yeah. No. Right. Well, that was part of my problem, too, is that most of the people who I hang out with, most people who look like me, my age, are wearing, like, boat shoes and shit. And I was like, you know, I probably look a little goofy wearing some high-top Jordans sometimes,

but I don't want to wear that. You can make your jokes. Yeah, I'm like a 30-year-old white guy in fucking Jordans, but I'm... You and your weird stinky feet, no socks, leather shoes that are supposed to be when you're working on a boat. Fuck you, man. You're weird, too. I could go on a yacht in these.

We're in Boise, dude. What are we doing here? That was so big in Tallahassee. Dude, we're nowhere near water. You're not getting on boats, man. I need boat shoes on. Yeah, I hated that. I mean, even, and I guess I'm so far the other direction doing this shit in fucking Never Never Land,

but I got a couple kids. My bad to interrupt you. Now I'm looking at your sneakers like... Okay. But even these, I don't even wear the fucking Fear of Gods this and Jordan that. I'm just like low-top

Nikes. But when I see, when I go to these functions or sports or whatever with my kids and I see the other dads, just like on a regular fucking Saturday, they wake up and put on a button-up shirt, tuck that shit in, put a sweater over it, wear their khakis, and I'm like,

are you going to work today? No, it's Saturday. This is just you chilling for the weekend? What? I can't. Can't do it. And they're coming by your fold-out chair, dropping money on the ground. This dude is homeless. He's put on athletic shorts.

It's not comfortable, man. I'm a sweats guy, dog. You'll see me at a comedy club in some sweats. I love just wearing some sweats. Is there... One time we had... Akash Singh opened for us one time. Was it him? He wore shorts?

Yeah, he wore shorts. He was like, I'm so sorry, man, he wore shorts. And we didn't give a fuck. And he was like, I'm so sorry, man. I was running late, and I didn't have time to change. I can't believe I was on stage wearing shorts. And Chris DeStefano, a couple people were busting his balls for it. It was this, ooh, you don't break. And I was like, I don't give a fuck, man.

Like a dress code for male comedians. I just feel like it's not. Where's the equality? comedians. I just feel like it's not, you know, where's the equality? That we have to have a dress code and they don't. It's so hard out there. Male comics is so hard. Girl legs always out on stage.

No, yeah, we can't wear shorts, but that's it. I will be honest, that got in my head. Wearing shorts? Wearing shorts, because we were supposed to do a show. We had the Arizona Bowl,

like a Barcelona Bowl in Arizona. It just got canceled, but we were going to do a live show at it. And I was singing, Barcelona Bowl in Arizona. It just got canceled, but we were going to do a live show at it. And I was singing like, in Arizona, I'm probably going to wear shorts on. And I was like, I can't wear shorts because I remembered Akash. I guess it makes sense, but also, again, it's funny that

they will give you stage time to do a fucking 20-minute bit about jerking off or something. Literally do whatever you want outside of shorts. Anything. Literally anything. That's like dictated by the ownership?

There's literally no rule about pulling your dick out on stage. It's never been done, but you can do it. You know what I mean? Like, there's no rule about it. Only rule. Shorts. Make sure no shorts. That is fucking hilarious.

So weird, man. But yeah, so the reason I reached out was we had Ricky Velez on. And he listed you as one of the next up-and-comers who's about to take over New York. And coming from him, we've both said, I've said forever, I think he is the most underrated comic

of all time. And now he's right-hand man with Judd Apatow, so I don't know if I can throw around the word underrated anymore. But still, when he's up there, I think he should be listed with the best of the best. He's a legend. So, yeah, when he throws out your name, that absolutely means something. Doing something right. Makes me very happy.

Yeah. Very, very happy. Yeah, that's my guy, man. Love Ricky. And I don't know. It's weird, man. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm bashful about stuff like that. Are you? Yeah. Well, that's weird man i it's i don't know i don't know i'm bashful about stuff like that well that's weird it's like you know you should i feel like you can't be a stand-up comic yet be shy but like you kind of can right i mean i mean i'm i don't i'm i'm just bashful with compliments like with like especially like high praise you know what i mean where i'm like oh fuck all right like you know what i say because i'm a confident dude but then somebody's praise you know what I mean where I'm like oh fuck alright like you know cause I'm a confident dude but then somebody's like you know it's weird

I'm confident like I could be like yo I'm the shit and then somebody's like you are the shit and I'm like really I don't know like maybe

dude I was in a phase like middle school where I would like literally run when people were complimenting me like good dramatic ass bitch

and I was like no no no, no! And then that would just get them to do it more. So I was like, but Barnaby was like, hell yeah, this works. But I also didn't want to hear it. You little fucking diva. Sassy little bitch. Does that surprise you for even a second?

No, it doesn't. It really doesn't. You wanted to get chased, though. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop it. Go on. Stop it.

Go on. Let me make a fucking scene while you tell me how great I am. What were they complimenting you for? Uh-huh. What were they complimenting you for? I don't even remember. I have one very clear. I don't know how regularly I did it, but I have one very, very clear memory of running

up the stairs with a friend chasing me. I don't know. Saying they liked my shirt or something like that and i don't know something so something like that just like my mom bought me like i didn't it's not even coming to me who's weirder in that you or the kid chasing his friend to be like i like your shirt no i love it let me see it. What brand is it? It's weird. Fucking wackos, man. I don't know. Where are you from?

So New York born and bred, you said, right? Brooklyn guy? Yeah. I feel like that's, I mean, I saw a video just yesterday of these two guys who were scrapping on the subway platform. And this guy threw this big haymaker, he was probably drunk, dude ducked, and he fell off and fell onto the tracks. And the guy who was fighting him walked over and, like,

No way. Pulled him up, like, all right, I'm not going to let you get hit by a fucking train. Like, I want to beat your face in, but I don't want you to get hit by a train. I want to see that video so bad. But it's like being in New York, I feel like, is just you're going to find a lot of material,

and you're going to live in a weird fucking world, man. There's a lot of shit going on. When you are being violent, there is that moment where something serious happens, and you're like, well, let's settle down. It completely is like, all right, this is ridiculous. Thank you, bro. Yeah, it's like rules of engagement.

You know what I mean? We're fighting in war to kill each other, but we're not going to like fuck you. Oh, yeah, I've never seen anything like that. And then he drags him up. And then they... I'm pretty sure they kind of like talk out their differences. Also, he doesn't help at all.

He's dead-lagging at getting dragged up. You can't fucking step up for me, dude. I'm embarrassed. Leave me down here. Honestly, if that's me, I would be like, just let the train hit me. Just let me die, dude.

But I thought that was such a good, you know, like we're animals, but we're not fucking absolute animals. This is actually... This is like just let the train hit me just let me die dude but I thought that was such a good you know like we're animals but we're not fucking absolute animals this is like one of the most beautiful videos

that I've ever seen this is like amazingly beautiful if people if someone was ever like described New York to me I'd be like

this right here like we're fucking degenerate animals underground crammed in this fucking thing black white

rich poor all together and we'll try to like kill you but then if something really goes wrong, I got your back. Yeah. That was crazy.

Yeah, I love it. I literally talked it out when you put him back. Listen, man. So anyway. Let's not do that again, okay? All right. Sounds good.

I always think when I see those things, I'm like, what could you possibly be fighting about in the fucking subway? What could be worth it? When's the last time you got in a fight? Have you ever been in a fight? Like fist to face fucking fight?

No. Yeah. Like last time I could think of getting in a fight, I was like a little kid. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like now it's just like what could you ever do? You know what? I blame my friends I grew up with.

My friends are like super gangsta and they always like protected me. And I look back on it and I'm like, why'd you guys do that? Now I'm a grown man and I don't even know if I know how to fight. You know what I mean? Why did they protect you so much? I don't know, man. Because they knew you were a pussy. We can't let eagles crap.

It wasn't like you were the talented kid. Eagles gotta go to school, gotta be in practice. Gotta get out of the hood. Eagles gotta get killed if he gets marched. Let's keep him alive. He's got good jokes. We don't want him to fucking die. They're probably like, his name's Eagle. He's gonna get killed out here.

Fucking badass name, dude. Eagle's going one way or the other, man. They would go do hood shit and I'd get hyped up in the moment. You know what I mean? Like, they'd be like, let's go get this nigga. And I'd be like, yeah! And then like, get in the car and everybody'd be hyped and I'd be like, wait,

wait, wait, what are we doing? Drop me off, drop me off. I'll catch you guys later. You let me out? Nah,

man, we're already on the way. Fuck. Wait, hang on, what? That's fucking funny, man.

Yeah, man. That, that is, are they, do they come out to the club and see you and shit? that like they have they have yeah like is that a weird like two worlds very rarely but they have they saw me do an hour at carolina's i did my breakout at carolina's and they all came out and it was like so cool were they like going wild in the stands and shit yeah

they were fucking they loved it we all went to dinner afterwards. It was cool. That's the ultimate. You could have fucking said whatever you wanted. You could have bombed up there and they would have been cheering for you the whole time laughing their ass off, right? That's interesting right there. That should be... I think I've seen it in part of your act, but being in those two worlds...

The comedy world is, to me, some of the most hilarious people and they're confident and cool. I see them up there and I'm, to me, it's like some of the most hilarious people. And they're, like, confident and cool. I see them up there. I'm like, man, that's, like, my dream. But also it's, like, this very nerdy click of, like, you know what I mean? You're so nerdy about your craft and the way you do it and all that shit that it becomes, like, you're dorks.

You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. But so you got, like, that side and then mixed with, like, Hood Friends has got to be, you know. It's a different thing, man. And it's weird, too, to see like, you know, as you progress, the way they perceive you. Like my hood friends, they like, versus even us going out to dinner that night after the show. It was like 30 of us. And they're like, ah, Mr. Comedy Central's got the bill. And I was like, no, I don't.

I was like, that is not the case. We're splitting this up with 18 credit cards. We're about to dash out on this bill. Yeah, you guys, you're doing hood shit. You're on the street. You got more money than I do. We're like, $100 will go up there. They'll be like, yo, my nigga, you Eddie Murphy out here, bro. I'll be like, great reference, bro, yo, yo, my nigga, you Eddie Murphy out here, bro.

I'll be like, great reference, bro. Great, great reference. Very timely. Eating steak off hookers' backs in Paris because you did Caroline's one night. Soul fly. I don't know if it was a hooker. It was just a girl, but it was a sick picture. Yeah, he ate steak off a chick's back.

Who is your, like, all- is your all-time inspiration or whatever? You know what? I don't use the word inspiration. I try not to be inspired by anybody. Hell yeah. It affects the art. It's a good way to be. It's true.

But I do like people. I'm cliche, though. My favorite is probably Chappelle. Very cliche answer. I feel like it Chappelle right you know very cliche answer yeah I feel like it's funny too another cliche answer

yeah it's interesting since you are younger like I feel like Chappelle will kind of I mean I feel like for so long it was like Pryor and Eddie Murphy

for a lot of people yeah and now I don't know if you're like real young coming up I mean I feel like everybody kind of

studies it all but like you might not know fucking Eddie Murphy as a you might know him as the nutty professor, not fucking raw and delirious and shit. Absolutely. I mean, when I started doing stand-up,

or when I started actually thinking about getting into stand-up, I didn't know Eddie ever did stand-up. Right. And then when I did my homework, I was like, Eddie was like the world's biggest stand-up? What the fuck? That's what I'm saying, yeah. Chappelle, did you see his Patton Oswalt shit?

He apologized for taking a picture with Chappelle. No. It's so corny, man. He posted a picture with Chappelle. He did a guest spot. So they've been friends forever. 30 fucking years, man. He did a guest spot.

I remember Chappelle's half an hour. He's in the opening. He posted that and said, you know, finish my set at whatever place and got a text from Dave Chappelle. Come over to the arena. He's performing next door and do a guest set. Why not? So I waved goodbye. You know, just like I did a guest spot with my friend Dave.

And the next one, the next post, is him pensively looking in the mirror, writing on a paper that he has not written anything yet. Did you notice that? It's a blank page. And he's, like, literally doing the thinking emoji into the fucking mirror with a dissertation about, I did not think about, you know, how that post could have affected the opinions and feelings of the trans community. Oh, no. But we also 100% disagree about transgender rights of representation.

Oh, no. What are you doing? What is going on, man? If you're my friend and you post that after we're in stock, I don't know, man. That's it. We're done, dude. Yeah, we might not be friends anymore. Seriously, dude. I mean, that is.

It's not that you can't disagree, but do you have to post that? Like that long thing? Also, does Chappelle? Chappelle would be. Are any of Chappelle's actual beliefs known? No, he doesn't say anything about the trans community that's like, we 100% disagree. I think you guys are probably 100% aligned.

If you guys date Chappelle, you'd be like, I think they deserve freedom and happiness like everyone else. Here's the thing. We really don't... I mean, all we know are the jokes. And I think people really think jokes and beliefs are the same thing. But also, also, I'm going to throw this out there and this is a very like whatever you know i'm just throwing it out there i was thinking about this the other day every chapelle party i've ever been

to he has transgender strippers stripping at the party i don't know what that means hold the fucking phone for a second. How many Chappelle parties have you been to? Slight blanks. Because there's a number here where it's going to cross a line

and it's like, oh, that's a thing. But wait, wait, wait. I don't mean that he likes it. And that number is two. This is going to get taken so out of context. We're going viral up in here.

Chappelle parties with nothing but trans strippers. But that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying, this is, ooh, this is trouble. As I'm saying it, I'm like, oh, shit, what did I just do? No, I'm not saying, like, he's getting lap dances from transgender strippers. What I'm saying is he has, it's not even strippers. It's burlesque dancers. He has so many different burlesque dancers at the parties, right?

And it'll be, like, a lot of, like, you know, hot cisgendered females, right? That's the right term. And then, I don't know. And then there'll be like some, you know, transgender female burlesque dancers. Say hot, say hot. Come on. Yeah, they're like hot. They're like super hot.

They're so hot. And they're like, they're hot and they're brave. You know what I mean? And they're there. I mean this,'re brave you know and they're there i'm i mean this by the way where's the cameras i mean this you can't cancel me for your perception of the tone of my voice okay i mean the words coming out of my mouth they're hot transgender burlesque dancers smoking hot yeah and he has them mixed in. I was thinking about it the other day

where I was like, I don't know. I feel like if you hate a certain people, you won't employ them. He doesn't have to employ anybody. That's the ultimate, I have black friends. I have trans strippers at my parties. But that's also one, you're going above and beyond.

You wouldn't walk out of a party and be like, Chappelle only had fucking cis female dancers. He might be a transphobe. That's what I'm saying. You could just have a regular ass stripper and nobody would question it. That's not the indicator of what your beliefs are. Which makes me think maybe he doesn't hate them. I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe. I just want to see some footage from him. He's throwing dollar bills at them. Like, yeah, I got to get my hands up. It's up here. Yeah, but I mean, that is the point, though. Like, nobody.

Actually, I feel like you kind of probably could guess what his feelings are. Like I said, I don't think he has any problem with them. And he said over and over again what his point is. You know what I mean? He's like, I'm not talking about the way that other groups have been marginalized and we don't give them attention and and it's like i mean really i i don't think i could be a friend and here's my thing here's if you did that about anything forget about like if it was a real issue like transgender if you were apologizing or just posting that long i'd be like well i remember i did i wrote like a blog once i posted as a instagram and you were

like what the fuck are you doing, man? It was trying to be funny. It was just a long-ass post. I was like, no one's reading that, dude. It's Instagram. What the fuck is going on? I'm just scrolling. You're gone, dude.

I once put a long post, and then at the bottom put, if you're still reading this, and everybody commented, why did I read that? You're going to put that at the bottom. Yes, I've read it, Eagle. I've read the whole thing. Now you put it at the bottom like, I know you're not reading this no i am reading it okay you know you know what the most important thing though is i i'm an ally of the lgbtq community and uh i really support already

writing his fucking face all of it and um yeah trans trans people are hot. Dude, but for real though, sometimes. A trans woman is a woman. That's the most important. A trans woman is a woman. I can show you some people. I don't know why we put trans in front of it. They're just women. That's what they are.

People I will masturbate to. That's just what it is. That's what it is. People I will masturbate to. I wouldn't even fuck a trans person because I'd rather make love to them. I would never fuck when I would go down on her. I remember being at the, not the Alibi Hotel.

The Alibi is the bar in the hotel, the Liberty Hotel in Boston. And we were there for the World Series. And we were in the fucking, it was the Red Sox Daughters World Series 2018. And we're in the lobby, and Shane Victorino, Red Sox player, former Red Sox player, is walking to the lobby, and Shane Victorino, former Red Sox player,

is walking to the lobby, and everyone's like, whoa, shit, that's pretty cool. Shane Victorino's in the lobby. And then Laverne Cox walks to the lobby, and that place stopped giving a fuck about Shane Victorino. They're like, who is that hot chick? Like, Laverne Cox, like, everyone was like, whoa, she's a baddie. She's tall, right? She's tall. She's striking. She's got, like, everyone was like, whoa, she's a baddie.

She's tall, right? She's tall. She is striking. She's got like a presence about her, yeah. She's very striking. Yeah, listen, I'll show you some people I found on the internet who you would be hard-pressed to say you don't find them attractive. So, all right, so, you know, I got hood friends. They're homophobic people sometimes.

Naturally. And this one knows. You know what I mean? Sure. Southern whites are racist. Hood niggas are homophobic whatever just live with life that's life whatever right we're all trying to be better so uh one time in like we had like this like i don't know fucking like debate right it was like one of those like would you rather type of debate oh we are well versed in those right here. It was like, it was this girl that turned into a guy but still had her vagina.

And she looked like Stone Cold Steve Austin. Oh, wow. We have a very similar debate. Yeah, Vin Diesel. Would you fuck Vin Diesel with a pussy? Well, yeah, there we go. And then the other person was this dude that turned into a chick that had a dick

but was like smoking hot. And it tore the room apart. Friends were lost that day. So like, Sophia Vergara with a dick versus Stone Cold with a pussy is what you're talking about. Are you fucking Beyonce with a dick or are you fucking

Stone Cold Steve Austin with a pussy? I think I'm going Stone Cold. That's what I feel it's like to be held in some big arms one time. There you go. Neither answer is homophobic. Neither answer is kind of progressive. And I feel like you get to have regular sex with the pussy. Or am I getting fucked by the dick?

Or am I fucking the person with the dick I just fucking the person with the dick? You fucking the person with the dick. You don't necessarily have to get fucked. So then I get to fuck Beyonce in the ass? Yeah! Right? That's an easy out. So what if there's a dick on her face there? I'll choke her off. I'll give her a reach around.

Don't worry, I'll make Beyonce come. I'll make Beyonce's dick come, for sure. I'm not walking out of a sexual encounter with Beyonce and having her say he didn't even make me cum. Okay? I'm giving her a good top. She's gonna walk out of there being like, Kevin Clancy is a fucking wild man in there. Took the whole dick.

So this trip, Boris, this one from I get to fuck Beyonce in the ass to I am Beyonce's bottom forever. This shit changed real quick. You gotta keep in mind too, it's like Stone Cold, because we addressed this too, Stone Cold, you know,

chick doesn't have a nice body either. You know what I mean? It's not just stone cold in the face. It is muscles. It is stone cold with the fucked up knee. He's got the brace on. No glass breaks when she walks in the room.

You're like, oh, fuck. Man. Man, the visuals, I'm getting to that. Just like the glass breaking and me being like, here she comes, she pops up on him. That is something, man. Austin throwing it down. Running across the room, jumping on me.

Dennis Rodman style. You know, Dennis Rodman broke his dick. A girl once ran across the room and tried to jump and land on his dick. I heard you broke it a couple times. Yeah, several times. Thrice, I believe. But like... That's a whole... You you broke it a couple times. Yeah, several times. Thrice, I believe. But like, but like.

That's a whole, that's a, you know, you fool me once, got it three times. If I break my dick once, I am never breaking my dick again. You break your dick once, you never break it again. You break your dick twice, you are a reckless, crazy motherfucker like Dennis Rodman. You break your dick three times, it's like the worm. Bro, what are we doing here? Like, come on, man. You got, you got too much.

Cause it's, it's also like, if you slip out or she's on top and you just have this mishap, like, it could happen, you know? Having a girl run across the room and try to fucking circus jump on your dick is like, well, that one's on you, brother. Yeah, that one, that's got a very low success rate. You wanted an injury. The chances of that are, yeah, you're asking for a broken dick. Absolutely.

Dude, we interviewed Rodman. Rodman was one of our early interviews. Like, before we kind of got used to... Imagine if we did that now, like, when we had a little bit of a platform. Like, you know what I'm saying? The shit he was saying? Like, before the interview started, he, like, sat down. And he was kind of, like, just kind of...

Not out of it, but he was kind of, like, disinterested. And he's just like, You guys ever watch a girl get fucked by a horse? We were like, what? And that Dennis Rodman voice, too. You ever watch a woman get fucked by a horse? Dennis Rodman? Wow.

Yeah, and we were like, nah, I've never been to Mexico. And he's like, I got places in America. Yeah. I'm thinking like we're talking Bratislava or some shit.

He was like, nah, I know places in America. He hit us with the Pacific Northwest is good. If you want to check a horse show out, hit the Pacific Northwest. I was waiting for him

to put a business card like call these guys and they'll give you a fucking location to go to horse show out, hit the Pacific Northwest. I was waiting for him to put a business card, like, call these guys. They'll give you a fucking location to go to. I mean, wow. Which, I mean, you know, shouldn't surprise anybody. Of course, Dennis Rodman. Yeah, yeah. I'm surprised he wasn't the one fucking the horse or whatever. It wasn't like you guys were like, yo, we interviewed Obama once.

And he was like, you guys ever watch somebody get fucked by a horse? Like, what the fuck? What the fuck is Obama and Michelle into? What the fuck are they doing? You never know with those politicians, man. I think what we're learning, dude, they'll fucking do anything. They'll watch anything.

But yeah, Dennis was exactly what you fucking expect, man. Clammy hands on Dennis Rodman. Clammy hands. Oh, no, forget about it. Dude, we worked in a much, much smaller office than this that had an elevator that just opened up and you just walked onto the floor.

There was desks and computers and studios right away. There was no green, there was no lobby, none of that shit. He sent his man ahead of time, his manager, whoever, and they were like, hello, everybody. Like, Dennis is here. He will be coming up.

Please bow or kneel? Bow. Please bow when he, like, comes in. He will, like, you know, he will grace you with his presence, come down from his cloud to you fucking losers, and you must bow before him. And we were like, yeah, no, no, we're not doing that, bro. I thought he was just joking. I thought he was just joking. Everyone thought he was just joking.

It was like a bit or something, yeah. I was expecting Robin to come in with like a cape and a scepter or some shit. You know, you never know in a wedding dress, whatever. He was just normal-ass self and like sweats.

And it was just like, I'm just going to shake his hand and say hello like a fucking normal person. But then afterwards, they were like, why didn't you guys bow? We were like, oh, you were crazy. This is crazy. I treated him like a fucking normal person but then afterwards they're like why didn't you guys bow yeah oh you really are you yeah crazy i treated him like a like a wild

crazy i also wonder if if the worm is like yo see if they'll bow and you know they probably won't but maybe they will give it a shot that'd be cool right it'd be cool if we have footage of me walking in and all these white boys give it a chance cool. Give it a chance. It's pretty fire. I'll send it over to North Korea. They'll think it's cool, man. I always think about, so I've been thinking more about success where I'm like, okay, how far can I take this?

And I think I'll be real mature if I get too successful, man. For real. I'll definitely Prince ride around bodyguard's back type swag. You know what I mean? I don't think I'm ready for anything. Would you be, like, an entourage guy?

Would you have, like, your manager and your makeup and your this and your that? We always kind of, like, I always judge people based on, some people roll up solo. No, but I think. Some people roll up a whole team, you know? I think if I got to a certain level, like a really crazy level,

I'd hire my hood friends to be my bodyguards because i trust them right yeah they're the only ones yeah i really trust them i'm like and i know they're like you know gangster niggas i'm like yeah you guys i'll give you money and you don't have to do anything illegal you just you're my bodyguard that'd be cool play games on the road i don't know that i'm gonna hold you to Because you're gonna be famous You're gonna be successful And I wanna make sure you do that Oh thanks

I want people to be like Yo Eagle and his boys are coming So like Let's Let's settle down here Like The squad is showing up man So what's next?

Like you just Like is it Just focusing on stand up? Are you trying to write shit? Are you Do you have a plan? Or are you just out here Riding the wave?

Hopefully Hopefully be homeless by 2023, baby. I'm rooting for you. Always going back to dream number one. Fuck a couple horses and end up in the gutter. Oh, I mean, yeah.

In the sewer. I'm doing all the other stuff that you have to do, like writing stuff and, you know, stuff that you have to do to do stand-up on a high level, I guess.

Like writing jokes? No. Like TV shows and pilots and all that. Yeah, so you do have to do to do stand-up on a high level, I guess. Like writing jokes? No, like TV shows and pilots and all that bullshit. All that shit, everything you've been describing, sounds like a TV show to me. You and your boys could be a fucking show. We'll see. I hope so. Is that a plan, though? I feel like what little you described,

you kind of dramatized some of that and expand on some of that it sounds like a funny no it's like you're in it seems like a unique spot like who you are and what worlds you operate in and the success you're having you know no yeah i mean i i yeah yeah you know like you guys can tell i'm really good at answering questions right yo how was your day Yeah You know It was I'm killing it But you know It is funny

As soon as we started Talking about Stone Cold With pussy and shit You were like Man Everything was firing man So what do you think About your career

Yeah Think Stone Cold Had fucking One of the fat pussies So like if Stone Cold is fucking one of the fat pussies so like if Stone Cold is Paris you're going down you're going to rub his head

no doubt Stone Cold's got a bush he's not one of those guys he's living out on the broken skull ranch this is the most confusing pronoun convo ever I don't know if Stone Cold is a he or she. They, them. What do you want to be, Stone Cold?

Stone Cold, he goes, I don't know. Could you imagine him announcing his pronoun? Like, oh, hell yeah. Like, I go by they, them, motherfucker. I go by they, them. If you go by they, them, give me a hell yeah. That's what the community needs. They do need someone like that.

I'd be like, all right. They need a cool fucking pronoun changer. I don't give a shit about it. I find it hard just because I'm not used to it and saying they and shit. So I need to get better at that. But I will say the pronoun community needs somebody cool like that because the people who hate the pronoun community, they view it as such a negative and such a weird concept that they need a guy like Stone Cold. Like a bunch of people being like, Stone Cold doesn't go by he, him. Fuck. Okay, well, wait a minute.

Maybe I can get down with this. Absolutely. That is that's a perfect person stone cold maybe the rock oh my god the rock is just a bitch beating up niggas in movies that's amazing it's amazing that bitch is huge she's killing it she is fucking up everybody in this movie right now is she just rock bottom Vin Diesel? What is going on? Yo, that's the fight we need to see, by the way. The rock in Vin Diesel. You see their little beef?

Their little scrap man? That's bubbling, and it's got to come to a head somewhere. I don't think so, because I think I'm a Fast and Furious big fan. But you're not siding with Vin Diesel on this one, are you? No. It sounds like the rock is the more... I am firmly... The picket fence is up my ass. I am right there.

I see both sides. Yeah, you got to come back to the family to wrap up the 10th thing. Because it does. There is a missing piece in Fast 8 and 9. There's a missing piece of like, all right, there's a little... Where's Hobbs?

Where's Shaw? Yeah, the family aspect is missing. But if I'm The Rock, I'm going to fucking come back, man. But why does The Rock not want to come back again? He doesn't like Vin Diesel, right? Yeah, they did not get along on set. It's like the one, that's what I'm so interested in.

It's the one guy that The Rock openly, without giving details, but it's well known, he does not fuck with Vin Diesel. Which is crazy because The Rock is like one of those people that's so charismatic and likable that it's almost like he would never confess to not liking someone. That's not a likable trait to not like someone. So what went on? And he loves this shit so he's always told me about how they have in their contract, if me and you fight, if I punch you, you gotta punch me.

If I put you through a wall, I gotta go through a wall because nobody can be the bigger star. So everything's even in those movies. You know what I think happened? Here's's my theory i got a whole fucking let's go ready i think in hollywood right like in hollywood on set i like how you perked up for this i was like okay on set right turn his mic up deep in show business only amongst the a-listers right the rocks pronoun is actually she right it's actually her, she, her, right? And they're on set, and they all know.

They're all A-list actors, you know what I mean? They all know, and everybody's like, hey, girl. Hey, her. What's up, she? And the Rock's like, what up, right? And he's doing the eyebrow and shit, right? And then Vin Diesel's like, yo, bro, can you pass me that? And the Rock's like, what the fuck?

Respect my fucking program, yo. And I think that's where the beef started. I think The Rock is a she. For real. I mean, I don't know, you know, but I think she's a she. Fucking Vin Diesel.

He's homophobic. He's non-inclusive. Vin's homophobic. He's non-inclusive. Vin's transphobic. He dead named me. Oh, shit. All right, let's go. Are you familiar with Answer the Internet? No.

It's our YouTube series where we answer exact questions like you just put out there with Vin Diesel. I love it. So we're going to go next door, go to the studio, and we're going to hit you with some very idiotic hypotheticals. First, tell the people where can they find you, what's next, tickets, social media, all that

shit. You can find me on Instagram at Eagle with official E-A-G-L-E-W-I-T-T official. Is that government name Eagle yeah yeah

you got some Native American parents or some shit or what my mom's just mad patriotic yeah that's crazy that's how it happens wow

I had a buddy growing up named Logan I always thought that was the coolest name but I don't think Eagle Eagle's fucking nothing Eagle

you got any like you got like an eagle tat across your back or some shit no but I'm constantly trying to convince whatever woman possible

to just get my, or tat, like, I want my girl to get her, my, I want her cheeks to just be like eagle wings. You know what I mean?

When I leave today, I'm gonna tell her, I'm gonna be like, babe, you gotta get your butt cheeks eagle. You don't, you don't make them clap, you got to get your butt cheeks eagled. You don't make them flat. You make them flap.

You make those wings flap. Bella Bells? Bella Bells has some kind of shit. She's got some shit, right? I don't know if it's an eagle. I'm sure one day I'll ask you guys to delete this episode. Did you guys not like it? We don't care.

Can you please delete this episode? We have done that before. Our buddy Kaz was going for a job at WWE, and he was like, can you take that down for a couple weeks? Just while they're doing background, you can put it back up. Put it back up, yeah. All right, let's do it. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.