KFC Radio - Beyonce Requests TOILET SEATS on Her Rider - Full Episode

Episode Date: August 8, 2023

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 00:10 KFC wants to become a boat guy 12:57 Dutch Gay Teacher 16:50 KFC Radio might pick up and go to Portugal 21:02 Feits eats TWO meals in his sleep now 29:37 what really constitutes messy vs clean 32:02 Feits was homeless with no money a week ago 37:51 Feits helped a homeless man steal 40:36 A random woman walked into Feits' apartment 49:16 What 3 questions would you ask a presidential candidate? 53:13 The Alabama Boat Fight 53:52 Alabama Boat Fight 01:00:24 Keith Hernandez doesn't know what a PB&J is 01:04:07 Beyonce travels with her own toilet seats 01:19:35 Lizzo has inspired us to sue Bert Kreischer 01:25:07 Edinburgh Fringe actress' one woman show 01:30:02 Social Media barstool roundup 01:35:08 Jersey Jerry has been hard for 24 hours 01:42:43 Video Voicemails ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Gametime: Download the Gametime app or go to https://gametime.co, enter your email, and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Pirate Water: Go to drink piratewater.com to find pirate water in a location near you or order on gopuff ++++++++++++++++++++++++You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. A banner day for you, dude. Banner day. I'm moot. Dude, that's actually the trashiest thing I've ever heard. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Your boy KFC's back. Back from, uh, like 10 days off. That's a long time.

Because two weekends and a weekday. Or work week. I haven't done that in a long time. You got a nice tan from that. Yeah, I got some tan going on. But I also, my body just – I fully am team indoors. My body just rejects the outside. I don't know.

I get – I'll get tan, but at the same time, my – like it's like kind of sunburned, you know? But it feels like I have like little icicles like pinching me. Right now? Not right now because I got out of the sun. But like if i go in the sun for a day i'll get like i'll get i'll get red it'll turn to a tan but then like when i get in the shower it feels like you know when you have like a shitty shower because your sunburned imagine that times like 100 million and it's also cold it's not hot i feel like i'm in a

ice bath all the time really and then uh the sunblock like kind of like fucks with my skin i'm like i think i'm like allergic to the sun. I think it's like, bro, you are just indoors for life. My aunt is like that. But she'll go to the beach and shit still, but she wears like clothes. I got one of the big fucking straw hats, the big boys. But I just started wearing like my moon man pants and like a light warm-sleeved shirt. Like a linen suit kind of deal.

It's actually kind of nice. Like when you want to swim, it sucks. But like otherwise, I'm like not sandy. I hate putting on the sunblock. I hate the whole production. I'm just like I'm in my little shade bubble. I'm fucking good to go. It is a nice way to go to the beach.

You get so hot the other way. If you're just like under the shade, I guess. I'm just chilling under there. It's like you have an umbrella on your head. It's definitely like I've given up. Like don't care thing. You know, goofy's definitely like a i've given up like don't care thing you know goofy gigantic straw hat but whatever i don't give a fuck you know um but i will say i think i'm gonna become a boat guy oh yeah yeah how so like like you're gonna have a

boat i think i want to get a boat really i i or like i all you just i'm allergic son I want to get a boat. Really? Or like – I'm allergic to the sun. I want to get a boat. I want to be on a moving island. I was actually thinking that while I said it. Because I'm going to take my boat out at night. I'll do like sunset cruise type boat. That's nice. That's nice.

I went on one and I was like – I was – First of all, it was the most like perfect fucking happy hour type of cruise ever. We saw a fucking rocket ship blast off. I think SpaceX was testing something. So all of a sudden everyone was like, that's a UFO. And I was like looking at it. I was like, holy shit.

I think it is. And someone Googled it quick and they were like it was taking off from Fort wherever we were near but it like moved all weird and it was like a bright light and i was like that must have been like 30 seconds yeah it was i was like it's happening and then you're smacking phones out of people trying to google it i want to believe i choose to believe and then it was one of those super moons so it was like our blood moon or whatever's bright orange we watched it rise super dope um and but more importantly i almost had like a existential crisis where i was just like i was looking at the captain of our boat like we've chartered this thing it was

like 30 people on it he was just cruising and we're watching you know we're doing the wave to everybody that passes by you know they're all locals And I was like, I just can't believe that that's their life. They chose that life or were born into that life. And ours is so much shittier compared to theirs. So shitty. I was like, this is – I've been coughing for like six months. I went to the beach, stopped coughing. I'm out like outside, the seawater, the salt.

I'm like on this boat, on the water. I'm like, why don't I just do this? So I'm going to be a boat guy. What I need is – do they do like boat share? They need like boat share. I don't know if it did well, but there was – when I was in Boston, there was something I wanted like the – I haven't heard from it much anymore, so maybe it went under. But there was a company at like Boston Yacht Club or whatever. Yeah, Freedom.

And it's like you can – it's like five people own it together or like Uber. I forget exactly how it works, but I remember like friends talking about like, oh, we should go in on one or something like that. I don't know if it's Uber. I don't know exactly how it works but I remember friends talking about we should go in on one or something like that I don't know if it's Uber I don't know exactly how it works we do all the work we buy and maintain so you don't have to focus on the fun of boating yeah yeah yeah cost

one time fee of a billion dollars that is bullshit one time fee plus is bullshit what the fuck um yeah but i'm also talking about like that i'm not buying a yacht i'm not buying a fucking you know deep sea fishing boat i'm talking about something that literally floats you know like i just need uh like a two-man little pontoon boat. It is so fun. The part that sucks about boating is people want to come on your boat. The great part about boating is just going – and not that I'm a boater. But when I go up to my parents' house, I just go cruise by myself.

I'm like, I don't want – I'm not going to tell any of you guys when I do it. Maybe I already got the boat. Maybe it was my boat that I was on. nice like i just this is kind of crazy i'm just out here dude i i kind of like driving if i'm not going somewhere specifically and it's like you know i gotta get like oh fuck there's traffic i gotta get if i'm just cruising and i got the music on yeah i like driving on the water is like a hundred times better i was genuinely like i had a moment. I was like alone just like by like the front of the boat.

Like nobody else was there. And I was like, I'm going to change everything. I'm going to throw it all away. Like I'm done. I'm going to just move down here. There was these two dudes who were probably like 18. They were like young guys on a tiny-ass boat just ripping through kind of like a, it was like an Everglades-y type of spot,

you know, like little islands and shit. I think they were just fishing, and they passed back and forth a few times. Every time we waved, did the boat wave, you're contractually obligated to wave when you're on the boat. And I think they were just like ripping beers and just like, I was like,

they don't know how good they are. You know? Even, I went to a Cracker Barrel for the first time. Really? I've been to one once when I went on a white trash vacation with my poor friend. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. We drove to Busch Gardens.

That's some white trash. Get in a above ground pool and then go to Busch Gardens. I came home like yelling at my parents like, don't let me go on vacation with these people anymore. What are you, fuckingyear-old was nuts. Were you fucking crazy? That was dangerous. That wasn't fun at all. Why would you let me go on vacation with them?

That was crazy. You always vacation up. You don't vacation down. Are you kidding me? That's hilarious. But I – even the Cracker Barrel, I'm reading through the menu and it's obviously like so southern and like foods that we don't have or eat often. I was like I'm going to get like – I'm going to get a real meal. And then like at the bottom it says like get a meal to go and it just has like an option for – it's not just like takeout.

It's like you buy one and you get like a meal to go home with. And I was like there's probably some dudes out there, some people out there who get off work or they work the night shift and in the morning they go, whatever it is, and they go to Cracker Barrel and they get their meal and they get one to go and they go home and they chill on their porch or whatever it is and their life is just so simple and happy.

And I was like, I want to be a Cracker Barrel guy. You got the strongest case of vacation brain I've ever seen. Yeah. Because I don't do it. But, like, it would last. I'm surprised it didn't hit. Like, I can vacation. I actually saw them talking about macro racing the other day,

and I think Arian Foster has the exact day. I can vacation, like, four days. And then I'm like, all right, it's out of here. I'm surprised you're still there. Like, it was great. It was great. I actually did. Well, I didn't go for nine days. I off for nine days yeah i was i was only away for

probably four yeah that's so but like i and i fully uh fully understand that like i'll if i were to ever do this i would buy a boat and go on it like twice yeah but but i i don't know i do i say that so actually it's funny you say that too because I'm at the Cracker Barrel and I'm fucking romanticizing the Cracker Barrel. Like, dude, you get a Cracker Barrel for dinner, get an extra one to go Cracker Barrel for breakfast. I was living the dream, baby. I legit was thinking that. It's more what I'm so jealous of with people are not literally that. It's the mindset that that's awesome yes yeah the fact

that there are some people out there who are like i just need a couple beers at the end of the night and some cracker barrel and like watch a ball game listen to it on the radio but i'm outside or on my boat or whatever like that and that's it like they're just so happy and that is what i want but within like a second no i guess – I shouldn't say a second. Within probably like 20 – full 20, 25 minutes, we hadn't even got – like our waiter hadn't come back to us. And I was like, I can't do this. I can't live this life. I got to get the fuck out of here.

I got to get the fuck out of here. You guys are fucking children. Aren't you adults who have places to be and things to do? What's going on here? I walked into a sandwich shop. It had a huge sign. I'm talking huge fucking chalkboard. And it says, we make your sandwiches on the spot, freshly made to order.

We are making it as fast as we possibly can. Please bear with us, comma, most of you are on vacation anyway and i was like if that's the warning sign they don't they don't tell you that once they're taking too long they know it's going to take too long and they point to the sign i was at it took an hour and a half to get my sandwiches like to go get a sandwich and come back it was an hour and a half and i was like if i wasn't on vacation if i had shit shit to do, it would ruin my day. I would be canceling shows and meetings and shit. So like within like two seconds, my carriage turned back into a pumpkin.

But the one thing – I don't often get those feelings. First of all, I don't do it a lot. I remember one time saying to my brother, I was like, I don't want to like retire. I need like – I want to make content i was like i don't want to like retire i i i i need like i want to make content i like it all i just need to like disconnect for a little while and this that and the other thing he's like you're describing a vacation you are describing taking time off work for a little bit and then coming back you dumb asshole uh and usually when i'm doing all that stuff i am like when we go to california i'm like i don't like this get me back you know like i don't like the time difference i don't

like the people when i am on the water something different happens like this i could do i could like chill on the boat better than i can swim in a pool hang out of the ocean all those things where i'm like okay enough like i want to the boat I feel like I could be happy on where it's just like the sights, the sounds, the feeling, the vibe. That's the only thing I've noticed where I myself am like, this feels different. I want to do this all the time. So I'm going to be a boat guy. I like that. I look forward to boat guy Kevin.

I think you could be a good boat guy. I think. I might have a boat for you. Yeah? Yeah. How about you get your Kai truck and I get the boat? Or maybe we get – like I feel like those Japanese trucks are very easily turned into one of those duck boats. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think there's water close enough to me on like the Long Island Sound. Like I can't – I'm not going to go like – if I could do it all over again, I would like live on a fucking beach. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I can't do that. But if there's like a marina somewhere close enough, it's like I can get to it, but I'm not going to go on it every day. I just need a little bit of boat. Like once a week, go on the boat.

Once a week. Go out and see a little sunset on the boat. I'd be happy, man. That's – I think that's a reasonable – Yeah. You know, like boat I'd be a happy man that's that's a reasonable yeah you know like and they're not that expensive if I told you today

the quote you're describing isn't like well when people are like oh it's a money pit that's when you like if you get like a yacht right if I just get a little

fucking whatever pontoon scooter whatever those things are called they're expensive but it's not like it's like buying a car

exactly it's like if I just had another car except this one brought me happiness i mean i've always been the outlier like the odd man out being from city island and not having a boat not knowing having my boat license not knowing how to fish not like they're always like you're a fucking loser uh but never too late never too late i'm almost dead dude it's it's kind of funny because you as your brother said you're describing a vacation and you're also kind of describing uh being a european and i was at dinner because of boating or because of the way they handle just like like like a little break. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was at dinner last week, and this dude who I was sitting next to at dinner, I think he was Dutch.

I couldn't really tell where he was from. Bro, if you could listen to someone and pinpoint that they're Dutch, I would be wildly impressed. I'm pretty sure he was. Because he definitely speaks like seven languages. Because it was going in and out of all different kinds of things. But it was a pretty solid American English base. Okay. And he was a pretty solid american english base okay um and and he was he was a very gay man and he was talking to oh he was at dinner with a woman

and he was visiting new york or whatever and he's like he's like i just want to teach you know like i gotta go back to school but like i really like I really like it here, but I don't know. I just love teaching so much. And the woman goes, she goes, why don't you be a teacher in America? And he goes, be a teacher in America? I'd rather fucking die. I'd rather fucking die. Would I just get shot every day? And the way he said, I was going to say, you'd rather fucking die. You probably would if you were a teacher in America. The way he said, I'd get shot every day and the way he said i was gonna say you'd rather

fucking die you probably would if you were a teacher in america the way he said i just get shot every day but then he went into and i and i the person i was at dinner with had gone to the bathrooms i was just sitting there like you know like how close tables are i was just sitting there listening to him and i was listening to him describe european life and i was like he like he went on he's like he's like my friend who I just saw here, she works at Pepsi. She makes $100,000 a year. And do you know what she does every day? She wakes up.

She goes to her living room where she has three computers set up. She just works from 9 to 5 and guess. I want you to guess how many days she gets off a year. I want you to guess. And she's like, I don't know. I want you to guess. He goes, 14. And they both erupted into laughter and i was like i was sitting there two weeks boy i'm really enjoying i'm like kind of bored on my third day off right now

it would be a true test of like like a month off or you know take take your time like i can't that was that was wednesday and i knew we had recordings or i did something i did dog walk thursday tuning the dog walk this week it's unbelievable mr portland i knew i dog walk thursday and we had a recording friday i was like all right so this is my last night of a night off but this is of a week off that i'm working not working you know it's a fucking easy job but it is what it is and i was like they i was like everything he's saying right, but also I kind of don't want that. Well, it's too late for us. We're institutionalized.

We have been brainwashed into the culture. You've got to get them young. He was actually kind of interesting, too, where he was talking about – he went deeper about why he was opinionated and why he doesn't want to teach. A European gay man? You don't say. A Dutch gay? Fam You don't say. A Dutch gay? Famously opinionated people. But he was like, I don't want to teach in America because in America they teach you you have to be the best.

And he doesn't believe that. And I was like, that's kind of cool. He was like, I don't want to be like that. By the way, it would be one thing if we teach that and then we were. We're not even top ten in like – I'm talking about just education. I don't think we're top ten in anything. We used to be baller and now it's like shut the fuck up. We're like the Yankees.

Can't even make it out of the quarterfinals in the World Cup. Yeah, for real. Our girls stink. Our men can't even make the tournament. We are the Yankees. We had a really good – like an unbelievable run and now people are like we're't even we're not even afraid of you bro that's america we don't you got nuclear weapons you're not gonna use them you fucking pussies we're not even afraid of you um but yeah i like that guy i i i i was like i wish you just kept talking i i uh

i was another guy i was talking to is about to go to Portugal for a month, live in a house. He works in like tech, the tech world. So he's like – they all got together and live in this villa. And I was just like, if I didn't have any kids, I could do that. But would I do it? I was thinking about that. Like if I just said I'm taking everybody to portugal for the month we're gonna do the podcast from portugal are you asking if i'd go yeah like because like yeah like you

would right it would be awesome like these goddamn kids but then i'm like but you're allowed to do stuff even though you have kids right i think the answer to that is no. Well, that's kind of the thing. I'm like, fucking – bro, I've gone down an irreversible path with my kids now where I'm there for them. Fucking shoot me, man. I try to go to like everything because it's just more time with my kids. Since I don't have full custody, I'm always trying to get like every extra minute. So I'll go to practices. Yeah, yeah. And now my kids think parents come to practices. Yeah, yeah. And now my kids like think parents come to practices.

I'm like, we need to – we're going to have to cut this out. Like you can't be – it's fine when you're five. You can't be like 12 years old and have your dad at practice. Yeah. You know what I mean? So somewhere along the lines we're going to – and I'm sure there will come a time where they hate me. And they're like, oh, yeah, you're not going to come because I fucking hate you. That's why.

But for now, it's like are you coming to my practice i'm like yeah yeah yeah i'll be there for all of it i when you do that with kids my age you're every single day there's something there's something every single day yeah you can't you can't do that i feel like yell at him one time he's playing with a friend and like then he won't want you there anymore yeah like focus on some yeah practice and then he'll be like well i don't want you there i. Yeah. Like focus on practice. And then he'll be like, well, I don't want you there. I mean, I have so much guilt over being a divorced parent that I'm like, I can't, I can't do this. But if I was, if I was still married, I wonder if I'd be like, I'm going on a work trip for like two full weeks. Like we could go for a month.

I'm going to be there for two. You guys can stay, whatever. And it would just be like, that's what's happening. I don't know. There are plenty of people, athletes, entertainers that are going the road and all that. I just have a warped brain, I guess. But the only thing stopping us now, you know,

we've got money. We've got enough say-so at the company to do it. It's just my goddamn kids. It's not even that, but it's just my warped fucking brain. If I could just change my brain, we'll go to Portugal for a month and do the podcast. That'd be pretty dope. We go to the Azores. I got the house.

Yeah. I mean, you know, this is still just vacation brain talking. It's fun to dream. Yeah. This is still vacation brain leaking into, like, I'm going to change my life. Doesn't that house need, like, armed security? Is that the house you're talking about? No, that was in El Salvador.

Ah, gotcha. No, the house in Portugal was so sick, it was like $400 a night. It was unbelievable. Yeah, those places are, like, you're king if you have a dollar. I just – It was weird to log in. I think I'm having a midlife crisis. Yeah.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, wait a minute. This is a thing. It's kind of like a now or never thing. It's like you're about to be really old and die soon, so you might as well fucking do it now. It is summer. There is not much to be doing. Hanging out by the beach, hanging out at the bar,

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Must be 21+. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. I always stick to my head Jerry Ferrara, one of the first guys I interviewed. He had just gotten skinny and in shape. Now he's almost been in shape as long as he was known as Fat Turtle. Yeah.

And I think he, when we first talked, I think I was like early 30s, and he was like, yeah, I'm 38. Like I reached – like that was the year where I was like if I don't do it now, we're going to pass the point of no return. I'm going to be so fat and out of shape and all that. Like I won't be able to do it. And I'm like, I'm 38. Granted, we looked a little different but he he he was bigger but i'm just more of a wreck so it's probably an even yeah and i'm like uh if i don't do it now i'm just gonna die so what did i i was reading something the other day

that was like uh advice from old people or something like that this is gonna be mean but i'm gonna say it um the one of the things was treat your body like a house you have to live in for 70 years or something like that. That's what it is, bro. And I treat my house. I treat my body. Which I don't do, by the way. I had two meals last night in my sleep. Two.

I love that you're calling them meals. Most people say like a midnight snack. You have meals? I had dessert with both. Implying multiple sides? Like you have an entree and two sides? What were they? First, I got soft tacos at the market yesterday.

And I made – I guess one is not technically a meal. But this one I got – I had two soft tacos, small size, pepperoni, cheese, turkey. As a taco? Yeah. I just put them on – I like the bread. So you got a wrap. Yeah, yeah, a wrap. And I had some – I got a bag of mangoes with that one.

And then for the next one, I got up and just got a bowl. I got a – This is disgusting. It was like a bowl of chips, chocolate pretzels, and more mangoes. And then I also got a mango and tajin, tajin, dipped lollipop, popsicle. And I ate that. Separate times. One was at 2 a. times. One was at 2am, one was at 5. Bro.

People say this about me, but I guess it's because you work out so much. You're lucky you're not fucking huge. Dude, I actually was saying the other day the dog walk draft is things we don't understand and I'm mad I didn't realize this before the draft because I would have had this as one.

On Saturday, me and Nate went out to fucking – we went to OAR at Jones Beach. And we went out early. We went to Freeport and just got some food on the water. And going to Penn Station to get the LIRR, I stopped and got a full meal. Full meal. I got appetizers. I got two empanadas. For the meal, I got chiquetes, I think they call it.

It was pulled chicken, two eggs, and I don't know. There was something on top of this. Potato. Yeah, potato, something like that. And then for dessert i got a half loaf of banana bread i get on the lir and i go to freeport okay you got a dinner i got a fucking clam bake for two i got right i ate i ate two lobsters i ate probably 20 mussels, probably 15 little necks.

I had four deep fried shrimp and a fistful of potatoes, right? And a fistful of french fries. Oh, and an ear of corn. And when they came and took that away from me, I was like, if they put another one down, I'd just start eating. So I was like, I don't understand the concept of being full. Maybe you don't have that. I don't know what it is. You're like the opposite of Ozempic.

Maybe you have a tapeworm. Maybe you're pregnant. I just Googled the side effects of a tapeworm. But it's actually loss of appetite. So definitely not that one. Yeah, because you have the appetite. Because the other thing is like an allergy where sometimes you don't get the nutrients because your body is just like rejecting it, but you don't have any reactions. No.

I just eat – Oh, I know what it is. You're just despicable. It's crazy. I wasn't even – Are you like, holy shit? I wasn't even remotely full. I was like, if they put it – I would eat a whole nother one right now.

Is this always – like right now if I just got like three pizza pies, would you just like eat them all? Or is it like it's got to be like certain times where you're wrapped? It's night. It's night before you die. Night or when I wake up. Like I just woken up before I did that. Do you think that like you're – I think night – the night is dark and full of terrors as a as like a 30 30 plus something i dread the night because i wake up i get i have these nightmares now that are like oh i didn't even

know what a nightmare was until i started having these fucking things and then i also like wake up and i'm like i'm wracked with anxiety and i'm like is this my real brain or is this like a weird nighttime brain that shouldn't be listened to or should this be listened to? Like I got to – and just weird shit about – and then like I'll fall back asleep. By the grace of God, I'm going to fall back asleep. And then I wake up at regular time to wake up. I'm fine. I wake up for the day like, okay, let's go. But if it's like I wake up at like 5 or anything earlier, I'm like, I just need to make it to the morning.

I think I'm like, it's like the sun. But point being that that nighttime version of me is something very different. So maybe you have a nighttime version of you that's like, I haven't eaten all day. But I eat all day. But not him. He's like, I haven't eaten all day. But I eat all day. But not him. He's like, that other guy got those nutrients. It's almost like you're bipolar and the food only goes to one of the brains. That guy didn't get anything from that.

It is crazy. I randomly rewatched your slop bucket video this week. I still do the slop bucket. When you were like, it's not going to go. It's not going to go well for me. That got reposted by Viva because you said you didn't think you were a slob. When you were like, it's not going to go. And you're running through the things. It's not going to go well for me. It's not going to go well for me. That got reposted by Viva because you said you didn't think you were a slob. Yeah.

That's exactly right. Yeah. Why in the world would you say you're not a slob? I don't think of myself as someone who's put together by any stretch of the imagination. But I don't think I'm a slob either. Oh, I got news for you, buddy. On their top 16 – You're coming out right now.

I had done nine of the 16 in 24 hours. Yeah, like you're despicable. I had just done that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't like, oh, yeah, I do that. Like I had – Bro, you like kind of regularly schedule shit your pants these days. You eat like a fucking drunk bear

you sleep like a homeless person like on the ground like or just like on a bear mattress you uh you eat bananas and cigarettes like you're you're yeah as you are like when i hear it all back i'm like yeah but like i in like i i don't i could easily say this is my friend John. He's a slob. And it would be very accurate. It wouldn't be like, oh, you're talking shit. It would just be like, yeah, this is just. I mean, again.

I think Paz thinks you're a slob. And he's like a young 20-something, like, living with his buddies who are all slobs. I see Paz go like, oh, geez. Sometimes when you tell a story. Like, you have. We've shot a couple sketches at your apartment. And your apartment and sometimes that's just a grown man child. I have lamps in my apartment. He doesn't have lights or anything. He doesn't have – I'll ask for like –

You don't have lamps, bro. You got to have a lamp or I got lights. You got no lamps? I got no lamps. I don't have a single lamp. But you have like lights that are in from the apartment. Half out, but yeah. Because you don't have a single lamp. But you have lights that are in from the apartment. Half out, but yeah. Because you don't change them.

Yeah. But they, theoretically, if you change them... It's just, it's a high ceiling. I don't know how to get there. I don't know how to get there. I wrote for my Superman. Two years ago, I texted Landon, I was like, hey, a light went out. And he didn't reply, and I was like a light went out and he didn't reply

and I was like well alright it's out of my hands now you do have high ceilings but they're like is it the same as this I would guess

pretty comfortable cause like you could get on like a ladder I'm gonna buy a ladder to change a light what you got a ladder

in my apartment all the time now totally with you you also use your kitchen table as like, it looks like. Dude, I have an island. Bro, I have one quarter of a kitchen table left. You just put shit.

I don't even do it. It's when the cleaning people come and those kids just put it there. I was going to say, everything is put there nicely. It's just like a storage table. If that ain't the most men are from Mars, women are from Venus shit, like they – you know, like this is messy. But like – Yeah. That is not.

Who the fuck cares where It's there or there But if it's parallel And it all lines up Then it's neat Like fuck you that's a mess That's not like shut the fuck up I hate that stuff I think we're just more advanced

I think we're more evolved John You and I I see something on the ground It's just a thing that's on the floor. Who fucking cares? Why does that need to be in a drawer or in a chest or a box or something? It's just physical matter. At the base of my couch.

When I get home, I just lay on, like, the chase part of it or whatever it's called. Yeah. And I just kick my shoes off. So I have, like, four pairs of shoes at the base of my couch. That's where they go. If I put them, like, right here, like, lined up nice. Like, fuck it. I don't give shoes off. So I have like four pairs of shoes at the base of my couch. That's where they go. If I put them like right here, like lined up nice, like that. Fuck it. I don't give a shit.

Totally. I have a big island in my kitchen now and that's just my stuff island. Stuff island. I just put like – I come home and throw my keys and my wallet on there. But I also got like a box from – in the mail. I put that on there. I like put a couple dishes out when I was making dinner. I left those on there. But I also got a box in the mail. I put that on there. I put a couple dishes out when I was making dinner. I left those dishes there.

The mail is just the mail table. The mail piles up. Yeah, that's what my – Those things are four. That's what three-quarters of my kitchen table is. It's just mail that I'm never going to open. But what – okay, what do these people do with their stuff if they don't have a stuff table? Or a chair hanger.

My apartment is actually kind of becoming like a Charlie Frank situation where it's just like... Becoming? When they become homeless because they got so much homeless stuff and they put it in their apartment in a room anymore. I was literally just watching that the other night. It's kind of like... We're living like animals, Charlie!

Maybe we should throw some of this stuff out. Why? Look at this! I just signed my third lease for my apartment. Like I'm – Maybe we should throw some of this stuff out. Why? Look at this. It's holding steering wheels and shit. I just signed my third lease for my apartment, which by the way, I guess I missed the lease email. Oh, yeah. We got to catch up on all of your economics here. John got an email that said like since you did not renew your lease, we'd like to know when you're moving out. It was just, when can we get the keys?

I was like, I'm not planning on moving out, question mark. I was like, what? John got an email. This is the exact email. We are reaching out to get your move-out date, and when will you turn in your keys? Please advise. John, please advise we can't have expired leases in the building. I don't plan on moving out.

Question mark. Sorry. Didn't see a lease email. I'll sign it. Just keep going. Whatever we got to do. Just keep going. It's like,

and it was, it was literally the same day that morning. I lost all my money. And that night, like 4 PM, i had an email being like when the fuck you getting out i was like what is happening right now it was it was a tough rough 24 hours that is a rough go um i the i'm still figuring out and by still figuring it out, I mean – The money or the – Yeah, the money.

The money is still up in the air. I mean by figure it out, you mean like you're just – Just gone. Just gone. Just gone. Like it wasn't an error. It was – they were correct? It's – oh, they're definitely right.

I was hoping because there is a weird Massachusetts thing with Barstool. Well – Back in the day at least, But I don't know about now. I don't know who I even... They were like... Again, this was right before we went on vacation. And I haven't done anything to follow up. Never mind.

See you. See you never. The... I definitely have to talk to someone at Barstool people here. But they're busy fucking everyone over making fucking uh making everyone's life incredibly difficult um they're getting the seusses and facials and shit scheduled in here so i don't know i'll figure that out when i figure that out but the apartment i did i did take care of so we're good i mean bro for like a split second, maybe not even, maybe for more like,

how long did that take to get your apartment squared away? A couple hours? Yeah, a good day. For one day, you were a homeless person with no money. Yeah. And now I'm not, but like I am. Like, do you have a house? Yeah.

You're on shelter. There was a moment where you were technically a squatter with no money. You had a shelter over your head. But like I wish – Mid-30s. I wish that you missed that email and like a week later you went to get in your building and were locked out and didn't have any money. And you were like, I'm literally a homeless person on the street. I don't own a house to live in, and I don't have any money.

I'd be a 34-year-old with literally nothing to show for his existence. I mean, I – wait. When I was probably 34, I ran out of money, and I had a month-to-month – I didn't have a lease. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guaranteed any sort of shelter. So like 34, I was – It's easier than they lead you to believe. And I've made on these very airwaves.

I've made the promise that I'll never be homeless. We got close. We got close. But like I wasn't. I stand by that. I'll never be homeless. I will never be homeless. I'll stake my claim.

You'll never hear about John Fidelberg being homeless. I guarantee it. I don't make a lot of guarantees. I guarantee that. No tornadoes and you'll be homeless. And I'll never be homeless. I mean, I feel like also if there was ever, for whatever reason, you were going to be homeless, you'd kill yourself before you were homeless. Like, not on my watch.

I made a promise to the KFC radio listeners. I made a promise nothing about suicide. In fact, I probably leaned the other way on that one. The odds on that one, not great. That's still crazy, though. That's a double whammy, the likes of which not many people go through. No one's ever lost all their money in a day in their home. Right?

But I did it but i did it i did it i did it not your average person yeah we've been people like it's an experience not many have yeah and having gone through it it's not that bad well no here's here's what you got to think if if there was a world where you didn't have anybody to help you you'd be fucked. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like there are people who are loners in life who get – you get – like you lose your job. You can't pay your bills. You get evicted and then you like fall down the stairs of the subway and like break a bone or something like that. It's like your life is over.

Right. Like you don't have any money. You don't have any – and if you don't have friends or family or anything like that, and then you just become destitute and you die. Like that shit is crazy. It's the greatest argument ever to just don't be an and if you don't have friends or family or anything like and then you just become destitute and you die like that shit's crazy it's it's the greatest argument ever to just don't be an asshole yeah yeah yeah just make sure you don't be an asshole to people and they help you well here so so earlier on i was saying you know it's this goddamn these goddamn kids of mine this loving family that prevents me from from doing and going places you know i i've always said i'm a little bit jealous

of people who have no family no family no friends they can just pick up and go you know like they're not like they're not tied down by anybody they don't care about like they don't have a hometown they don't they don't care about being around their parents they don't have parents whatever it is and i'm always like i can't i got i got my my kids my family my sister my this my that uh so i'm always like, fuck them. But then it's also like, but if I ever end up homeless and lose all my money, they'll take me in. Yeah.

They got my back. So doomsday scenario, good to have your family. Everyday life, take them or leave them. No big deal. When we were talking about my apartment and Pavs hates it so much. I had two things. That's like, fuck this place. I had two things happen to me this weekend that I know which is crazier,

but they're both pretty, like, they're both kind of funny. The one, the lesser crazy one is when I was going to penn station for that um train to long island yeah i was grabbing some candy for the train obviously i forgot as well i ate ate lunch got on train with a bunch of candy went to lunch never was even remotely hungry awful um but so i'm in the candy aisle at penn station at the duane reed and there's a dude who's just like crackhead. Like homeless as shit. And he is stealing so

much candy, not even remotely discreet. He's like shoving them under his armpits big bags, M&M peanuts, right? And he's like this. And then he's like tucking his shirt like that. And I saw him and I started laughing. I was like anding his shirt like that and then and i i saw him i

started laughing i was like and i just grabbed my candy and went back to the went to the uh register yeah and in the line of the register he walks by me and he's got his arms like pinned like this but he's carrying like almost like when you carry like a bunch of books and you got your chin up yeah like hershey's bars that many that he's like pinning him in and he walks by me and he goes yo thanks man and walks out and I was like

dude first of all I didn't think I was gonna rat you out but like did you maybe like run a pic for him no

I just saw him and laughed I was like that's crazy and it felt really awesome yeah I was like hell yeah bro

I got you I'm not gonna rat you out stealing your M&M's I think I could've ratted you out. You know what that tells me? Who fucking cares? That fucking tells me that some people rat that guy out. That's so lame, dude.

Like, there was that – I hate to bring it up because it's that fucking rat fuck Rappaport. But he filmed a guy stealing in Duane Reade and the security guards and everyone let him go. And people were like, why didn't the security stop him? Why didn't Rappaport stop him? And he was like, I'm not fucking doing that. He's going to steal a few things from fucking Duane Reade, a place that has tens of thousands of locations all over the place. Fuck that.

I'm not even doing it for a mom and pop. I'm not even doing it for my stuff. If you were to steal my stuff, I'd be like, go ahead i'm uh friends with the walgreen family they're okay with it yeah they'll survive no i'm not friends but i did go to school with them oh really yeah i went i went to high school with the ball or shit they uh the yeah whatever um so you will have your apartment, but you lost all your money. Yes. Okay. But the apartment.

This happened to me on Saturday. I was expecting somebody, and I get a buzz at my door. I buzz, let him in. And then when someone's coming to my apartment, I, like, open the door. But I feel rude going to sit back down. So I kind of – but I also feel weird just, like, standing there and meet them. Yeah, yeah, super weird. So I kind of just, like, muddle about my –

You know what you could do is just leave your door shut and let them knock, and then it's a normal thing. You go over and open the door for them. I guess I watch too much Seinfeld for that. He always just kind of leaves it ajar. Yeah, but then he, like, goes and makes a peanut butter sandwich or some shit. Well, that's exactly what I do. So I go into the kitchen, and I kind of just, like, muddle about

and, like, grab some food or whatever. And this time I opted to grab a peanut butter sandwich. Well, that's exactly what I do. So I go into the kitchen and I kind of just like muddle about and like grab some food or whatever. And this time I opted to grab a Popsicle. The same mango and tagine Popsicle which I've been just hammering. And I'm standing in my kitchen sucking a Popsicle and this woman just walks into my apartment. Like walks in.

Like she's on her phone. Like doesn't even break stride. How old is she talking? Young. Hot? Attractive. And she looks up at me. And she just goes, where's the yoga?

And I was standing. I'm standing there. And I shit you not, I'm in that Woodstock t-shirt covered in holes. I'm in athletic shorts, like loose ones, that are inside out. And I'm sucking a popsicle. And she's not even remotely taken aback by the scene. And she goes, which room's the yoga? And I was like, what?

That woman is like, that woman went home and was like like and then i walked into a retarded guy like this then the special needs guy was sucking his lollipop his ice pop and didn't know where yoga was and she's like sorry the class pass and like she like it's not registered to her this is in the yoga studio man's apartment it's like i was like what are you looking for she's like i have a class pass for it says this address and i looked at man's apartment. I was like, what are you looking for? She's like, I have a class pass for you. It says this address. And I looked at it. It didn't. It was like two doors down. It was like, whatever the numbers. The numbers were a few doors down.

Yeah. And she's like, oh, I'm sorry. And walked out. And never for a second, and it was insulting to me. Never for a second did she look scared for her life. Or anything like that. Ladies, going forward, if you walk into a class pass and there's a man standing there sucking a lollipop in a fucking torn t-shirt and inside out athletic shorts best case scenario

you're getting raped get out of there like that like that's best case it's about to go down. She was annoyed by my presence. Like, hey, idiot, where's the yoga? What are you talking about? It was like the door had shut behind her. That's the reverse of you not getting up to that waitress when you're like, no, we're good. I'm good. I'm good. I don't know.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm all set. I'm all set. I'm all set. Yeah, I'm all good. I'm all good. What do you mean?

Get out of my apartment. But the yoga. This is not the yoga. But the yoga. I don't even know. I live by a yoga studio. I can't even give you directions to where to go. Yeah, it turns out it's like two doors down, but it's on the second floor.

So I've never walked by it kind of deal. Yeah. And I was like, this is – you should be more scared of me. This is insulting. The door is shut. You're locked in here with me right now. you should be more scared of me. This is insulting. The door is shut. You're locked in here with me right now. You should be nervous. Yeah.

For real. Look at this kitchen table. This is crazy. There's shoes everywhere. You're not remotely worried about it. Well, that's good to know that you're not rapey. I guess kind of like a little bit. You want to that you're not rapey. I guess. Kind of, like, a little bit. I was like...

You want to be a little bit rapey? Like, I want someone when they're trapped in my apartment accidentally to be a little nervous. Give me a percentage that you want to be a little bit creepy like that. Like, I would... I think it's a good thing that if a girl... If a girl gets locked... I think it's a good thing that if a girl gets locked in a room with you she's not scared i agree in theory but you won't but so you should be like oh you should

at least be apologetic like like dude if i walked into someone else's apartment and i'm so sorry this is crazy that i'm here i'll get out i'll get here I'll get out that's what I would do to another person but that's also just out of polite manners and just feeling an asshole it's the fear that I'm interested in

like if I told you if a woman was locked alone in a room with you that she would be like terrified. A room is different. An apartment. Room. Everyone should be comfortable with being in it.

If you barge into my home, you should be remotely nervous about, like, sorry. Okay, but nervous is, you should be sorry because you're like an asshole. She could change the TV channel. You watch The Office for your own business. Put them below deck. She kicked her feet off the chase. She watch an office reruns? Let's fucking put them below deck. She kicked her feet off the chase. She lined them up with the rest of them. I think I want a girl to be 5% afraid of me.

We could be a person. I don't know. I have to specify, girl. If a guy walked in there, he'd have made himself a sandwich. That's how little I put any fear into anybody right right but but a girl you want a girl to be a little bit like let's start saying person i think i think you want a girl to go oh oh, no. Well, I'll be okay. Yeah, yeah. Have that fucking –

I want everybody to, when they come into my home unwelcomed, to go, whoops. All right, he's all right. Yeah. Like, have that – Have that, like, when you jump a fence as a kid in the backyard, and you kind of had that. You jumped – You know, you're playing in backyards and stuff like that,

and you actually jump a fence and you see a dog. Yeah. That second, oh. And then he's cool. Oh, he's chained up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that second, oh, no, we're fine. We're fine.

That dog's not going to rate me. It is. Just be. I'd like to be a little more intimidating than I am. Yeah. That's what it comes down to is I it comes down to And granted, the attire And the popsicle didn't help That's probably why she was like, oh, this guy's not

I think I was watching Parks and Rec too This guy's drooling, well, yeah Like, this is Andy Dwyer here? But it's like we talked about On the episode with Chief on Monday Just being able to If you can fight, or you fought or you've thrown some punches, like, you have an air about you. People look at me and go, I'll rape him.

I can fuck that guy. Not the other way around. This guy's eating a mango popsicle and mangoes. This is crazy. Far too much mango. Far too much mango. Far too much mango. That is insane. Where is your keeper, sir?

All you needed was the cleaning kids. Imagine the children were running around too. What am I, at the zoo? What is going on? Is this the Special Olympics? She came into my apartment and asked me who's in charge. Excuse me, where's the manager? I was like, ah, you're a great question.

She left two years ago, honey. Do you know how to change a light bulb? You don't have a ladder on you, do you? By the way, you had a lease, too? Technically, I don't even live here anymore. I don't know if they've got it in the mail yet. This has been a runner-less ship for a little while now. As you can tell by the amount of mangoes.

There's a direct correlation between amount of mangoes and someone in control being present. It's just a pile of mail dating back two years and a bunch of mangoes inside out athletic shorts, torn t-shirt that he got fucking jobbed on bet you think that's really from the 60s don't you you fucking idiot 2004 he's eating a mango popsicle and mangoes is one of the funniest things i've ever fucking heard in my life it is so funny oh man good times great oldies. All right. One more thing I got.

I was inspired the other day. I just saw a tweet about, I forget what, to be honest. But I started thinking about the election. Oh, okay. Right? Presidential election's coming up, I think. I don't know. It's basically all we talk about.

Bro, you know what they do? It's the same thing with Christmas starting in October. They start election talks so early. Like two years early. I genuinely don't know what 2024 is. So yeah, about a year. But it's been going on for... No, but we've got to go November of 24. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we've got to go over a year. Right, and it's already been a year. Yeah, I'm like, as soon as... Was Biden even in office before we started talking about the election it's crazy i think after he fell off the bike they started start the clock but um i was thinking if you could only and i pose this question to everybody if you could only ask a president you can't hear anything else okay but you could ask a presidential candidate three questions. And you have to vote on those issues.

Not issues. They give you whatever questions you want. And I've thought about this. Okay. Proceed. Number one. What religion are you? It matters. it matters it mattered with JFK they were real nervous about electing a Catholic

yeah it can matter I gotta know what religion you are like what if I'm not even going to go with the regular ones the racist ones when you find out a guy's like an Anglican. Episcopalian, dude.

Get out of here. You don't even believe in transubstantiation? Okay. You pray to lady priests? I can't possibly respect you. Come on, dude. Your priests are women? You get married?

You've been to church and the priest has been pregnant? That's nuts. You can't run the country. Two was what your level of athletic achievement is. And I don't care. Like how high did you reach? Yeah, but I need to know that you were at least – and I don't even care if you were good on the team or not.

But I need to know you were in the locker room with a team that had a goal. Right. That you were – you could deal with that locker room. Yeah. That's – I think it – That's what being president is. Like you got – you didn't just like fumble around in right field. You had a group of people with a goal.

Yeah. And you fucked around in there. You had a good group of people with a goal yeah and and you you fucked around in there you had a good time in there you've been on a journey with these people right you basically had a president that you listened to yeah and now you're trying to be a president with your coach you know i think that's a pretty good one totally i mean i i think i almost like exclusively get along with people who played sports as a kid yeah like if i if i know like i'm trying to think of i probably know some artsy people who lean towards, like, music and dance and art. And they're, like, cool, but they're not, like, my friends.

Right. You know? Yeah. They're almost like vacation friends. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get along with you, but, like, we're not going to, it's not going to last. I don't want to merge our lives like that.

No, no, no, no. Yeah, I like that. And then the last one is, do you believe in a woman's right to choose? That one's for the ladies. I was going to say, when you were bringing up the sports, I was like, are we just including women's sports in this, or are we just precluding the ladies from even being present? No, you can play whatever.

Sports are sports, baby. You've been on a team with a goal. Because my first question is, are you a girl? Yeah, you can play whatever. Sports are sports, baby. You've been on a team with a goal. And did you have your ups and downs? My first question is, are you a girl? No, I mean, my first question is, are you a girl? My second question is, did you like Barbie? My third question is, are you sure you like Barbie? And then I make my decision based on that.

All right, one-minute man topics. We'll dive into some of the old stuff we missed while I was gone. But some of the new stuff. Right now, number one thing on the internet, number one thing on social media, the Alabama boat fight is all-time

internet stuff. It's a little dicey because it's basically a race war. So I'm going gonna tread lightly here because i don't want to be uh an ignorant white and i don't want to be a white guilt guy either but uh it's it is a several minute multiple angle video you can find like four or five different tiktoks and they all matter by the way You got to watch all of them where a bunch of black people square up against a bunch of white people in what is being – I mean like this is – for black Twitter, this is like the greatest thing that's ever happened.

They are like – this is like unifying all of them. But that guy, the guy who jumps off the boat and swims to save his brother who is like it's like one on four at that point I was going to say this is the greatest thing since Avengers Assemble because at one point the initial guy

he takes his hat off and he fucking throws it and then he's kind of outnumbered and he gets roughed up a little bit. That guy in the white shirt, black shorts. He's getting touched up by like a bunch of white dudes. And then the one guy swims to help him. And a couple guys come down the ramp. And then they start marching after them where it's like now I got numbers.

Now I got backup. And it honestly is a real life Avengers Assemble moment. It is like, like oh now you fucked up now it's on and the person doing commentary is just as good it is i haven't seen this then i saw one clip i i knew of this big fight but i didn't realize it had levels like this oh i saw the guy with a chair chair yeah yeah i saw that angle and that's all i'd see so i somebody tagged us. Maybe this is where you saw it.

He tagged a bunch of Barstool guys and said need this on the rundown. This is the fight of the millennium. I saw that angle and the chair is pretty crazy because he goes WWF on a woman's head. While she's already down. Then people kept telling me the guy's swimming. The guy's swimming.

I didn't see a guy swimming this is my first time seeing it I think a fight happened on one of those river boats when they start marching after them they've got numbers now and they go onto their boat to start fighting them whoever pieced this all together

it's Spielberg, bro it's unreal and I saw a bunch of people being like try that in a small town it is uh most of it's pretty sloppy with these punches i i don't want to ruin it but i feel like the people in blue shirts are like security yeah and that's the guy swimming so he might have been like on the job like oh i gotta get over there rather than like it definitely employed some kind they're all wearing blue shirts right so it would be better if it was just like a dude on the boat was like i gotta go help that guy because he's like he's outnumbered by a bunch

of white people so i gotta go save him but regardless i mean it is just an all-time brawl mixed in with the swimming that's funny commentary oh it's on now it's on now. It's on now. It's great. Before I even saw all these clips where it clearly is black people versus white people, I just saw the one little thing. And just judging by the boat and judging by the T-shirt the guy had on, it wasn't quite a Confederate flag, but it was some kind of flag. And I was like, oh, people were saying the N-word. Oh, I think I know who signed them on. There's not really any exchange.

I think what actually happened was, like, the guy on, like, the tour boat or whatever that is was, like, saying, like, yeah, that guy in the gray shirt. I don't know what kind of flag that is. It looks bad, though. Yeah, you're saying. Yep. You're saying. That's a state.

I think that's Mississippi. Okay. Yeah. So it might as well be the Confederate flag. It's the Confederate flag. And you know it's some white trash because the girls are all getting involved in the fight. It's just an all-around trash fight that is truly epic stuff. And the most embarrassed I've been as a former Barstool blogger that this was not blogged about until like monday afternoon like i i saw it tweeted this

morning and was like that can't be like it's just someone just getting blogging it i mean that this would have been and you know i guess it's on us too because we don't do do it anymore but i mean this would have been drop everything kick your mom out of the car while it's moving to get back home to blog it first I gotta be the first one to post this and not only is it not that it's nobody posted it at all it's quite disappointing it is

that no one saw this and was like this would have been one of those ones where you break down every, I would have done screenshots with letters. I'd be like, you know, Exhibit A. Like these two are fighting. It's a tale of the tape for everyone involved in the fight.

It would have been a 10,000-word blog. It would have been a masterpiece. Oh, back in my day, shit, but like – But true. If your main job at Barstool is a blogger and – And you didn't do this. You didn't do all this. You know what?

It's really – it's like anything else, like sports and everything. It's a matter of desire. It's not like – you don't do this shit because if I blog this, I'm going to – it's like I'm not going to make more money if I blog this. Yeah, yeah, I know. But you should want to do it. It's really just about wanting to put out the best content. Game Time is the exclusive ticketing partner of Barstool Sports.

That means everybody at Barstool, every time we go anywhere, whether it's to go see the lowly Mets and Yankees or to go see Taylor Swift in concert or to go see football when it's back, basketball, hockey, live music, any live entertainment, anybody at Barstool, we're all going through Game Time.

You should too. And don't take it from me. Don't do it just because I'm doing it. Do it because it's the best up to the minute, up to the second technology so that you get the best prices available on the secondary market. Not only just the best prices, also the best tickets. Tickets that you thought you never could get because you're not a premium member of the club

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Download the GameTime app or go to the website. Enter your email, and then use code KFC for $20 off your first purchase. So that's the GameTime app, or go to GameTime.com. Just enter your email and then use code KFC for $20 off your first purchase. So that's the GameTime app or go to GameTime.com. Just enter your email. Use code KFC. Get $20 off your first purchase. Terms and conditions apply. The Mets just posted this video.

I didn't see it because I'm just out on the Mets for the next 18 months while we wait. Keith Hernandez did not know what PB&J meant. That is awesome. How? I don't know. This is one of those things. It's a mystery. I long to be the guy who's like, what is that?

Like he's so good at baseball, so focused on baseball, so rich, so handsome, so focused on broadcasting, whatever it is. Or if you're so rich, you're so out of touch. I want to be out of touch to the point that it's like, I don't know what a PB&J is. That's incredible. I actually don't want that because PB&J is fucking amazing. But I want something like that where it's just like... Had he never had the sandwich? I don't know. Let me listen to the clip.

Did you see this live? I mean, I literally have not watched the game in like a week but i mean i was watching in 2020 i don't remember that in that moment um i mean maybe that was it okay yeah i mean not knowing what a pb and j is did you see when uh when uh mayweather didn't know what um uh what like seating assignments were on a plane? No. The guy was like, so I'm sitting in like 2B. And – or like – I think he said maybe like the first row or whatever. It implied that like I didn't have leg room or I was sitting here in exit or whatever.

So he's like, so I'm sitting in 2B and I and the stewardess is like blah blah blah and Floyd's like 2B? what is that? and he's like it was my seat and he's like what are you talking about and it was something so basic like that about like flying on planes and then they were like how do you travel

and he's like I just call my pilot and he was like yo Steve just call my pilot and he was like watch this he was like yo steve uh like gas up we're gonna pick uh he was talking about the guys like we need to drop him off in like utah on the way to vegas okay and he's like yep sounds good bet like that's what i do to not know like basic things like that is i long to be that ignorant. That is – Because it's not stupid. It's like I'm just on another level. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just don't know what you're talking about. Because, again, for the third time now, this podcast is a reference to the dog walker, which we did things we don't understand. And it is funny because, like, I made a joke during the show where I was like, to people who are smart, this episode is just one Mean Girls clip. Yeah. They don't know things? What are you talking about? But it's like, I don't know. We just lived a different life. I just don't know what you know.

There's probably stuff that you would say that I'd be like, oh, are you a fucking idiot? Right. And vice versa. It's like the perfect example of Jeopardy. When you watch Jeopardy and there's a sports category. And they get them all wrong. Wildly wrong. these people are stupid because they didn't know who won the gold medal

or some shit meanwhile they can answer questions about quantum physics speaking of that I did something today I think it's pretty rare I don't know if I've even seen anyone else do it we're going to clean over on the dozen oh I didn't get one I went twofer and I didn't know if I've even seen anyone else do it We're going to clean 0 for on the dozen Oh

You didn't get 1? I went 2 for and I didn't want to tweet it I was so glad you tweeted yours The counting crows one killed me They were all ones where I was like Just a little bit I knew, yeah I could have sung the song But I couldn't fucking think of it

Actually I couldn't stop singing it I was accidentally in love and it got stuck in my head Wait is that the couldn't stop singing. It was Accidentally in Love got stuck in my head. Yeah. Wait, is that the one that it is? No, so it was something else got stuck in my head. I think Accidentally in Love was the answer. I'm pretty sure I've been on the path to Ophir, and I just stopped. I'm not going to do it, so I technically didn't go.

So, okay, wait. Back to One Minute Man. These were things over the last weekend or week. Beyonce traveling with her own toilet seats dope so dope but also pretty attainable like she's not traveling with a toilet yeah yeah toilet seat and i think she has someone just screw it on and off i think like you know you could do that like that's not like a – she's a billionaire. Yeah, bro. I carry a tote bag.

Put a toilet in there. Clean fits in there. Easy peasy. Now, it's a new – I don't have a screwdriver. Call back. I think it's a new toilet seat everywhere she goes, but even that's attainable. Let's say you have a tour with like 150 dates.

She can get 150 toilet seats. So can a lot of people. And then you just have to have a guy who's there to do the work for you. That's the hard part because changing the toilet seat is actually more disgusting than just sitting on it. Yeah, because you got to like get in there. People are pissed all over it. You're probably turning the screw and it's like calcified piss is breaking. Yeah, so chaining the seat is disgusting.

So now it becomes not very attainable. Because I'd rather just sit on the toilet seat and change it. Totally. Now you've got to pay. You have a handyman to just follow. That's a full salary. Now we're not. I'm Beyonce's toilet guy.

What does that mean? I make her a toilet everywhere she goes. And he does well. Oh, he's probably more well-paid all about yeah 100 that's that that that's like there's some plumber from you know texas wherever she's from who's like he got the nod and he went from being a janitor for the local high school to being beyonce's toilet guy and his life is easy street he gets his weird looks every time he says what he does. I'm Beyonce's toilet. I would probably let Beyonce – I would probably be her actual toilet for what she would pay me. It's one of those things, though, that's like – it's almost like Costanza with the Snickers.

Like, how do you eat that with your fingers? Like, all of you people have just been plopping down on used seats. Like, you broke disgusting animals. Like, even other famous people yeah it's like oh oh you know you think you think you're hot shit taylor swift you you went used a public bathroom like you didn't even that that might be maybe more common than we realize but when you think about it once you get really rich you think about what what can I eliminate? The main thing that's great about being rich is you have no more problems. You don't worry about rent.

You don't worry about bills. And then, how far does that list go? And it's like, I don't worry about piss-soaked toilets. But you know, can I say something? Neither do I. That's because we're in slobs. Yeah. It used to be something I thought about. But, you know, can I say something? What? Neither do I. Well, you don't. That's because we're in slops. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It used to be something I thought about. When people talk to me, when people say that they hover, like you're going to just do a squat and hold it like you're a fucking sumo wrestler. I plop my ass down on that shit. I hope it's warm. Disgusting. This is quite delightful. That shit is like... I mean, I will say this. I got cameras set up in the bathroom when Frank gets

out. I like to kill things. I don't like a cold seat. That sucks. So if I knew that it was like your butt, I'd be like, he warmed it up for me. I don't know about that. Whatever slop comes out the other side. Who knows?

Mostly mango. If it's a stranger's heat, I don't know if I want that. But if it's like a family member's heat, I'm like, okay, whatever. Have you guys ever sat – they have like heated toilet seats? I don't think I've ever had one. I know they exist, obviously. My grandma had one when I was growing up, and it does just feel like somebody was just sitting there. Just on it, yeah.

It's really uncomfortable. But that – I'm even okay with like a fucking truck driver was there before me. If you ever sit down and there's pee, it's like, or wet in general could be a splash back, whatever. That is just a terrible, terrible feeling.

I'd rather have a hot toilet seat than pee in the toilet. When I go, Oh, not even in the seat, just yellow. Like the water. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It turns me off. Yeah. I gotta be horny to shit. You are on one dude pat's got a head shake out of that one yeah he's like this man said he wasn't a slob not an hour ago gotta be horny to shit yeah it's a different kind of horny you're just saying it's a different kind of horny it's not like horny but horny, but I got to be in the mood. You got to be shit horny to shit.

Yeah, get in there. Fucking bullet piss turns me off. That is not the craziest thing. Yeah, no, I didn't mean horny. I didn't mean I'm hard. I just meant like I got to shit horny. You got to be in the right frame of mind, especially if it's public. So my question is what would you, what's something that you would do along these lines?

Oh, boy. Because this is not necessarily money, but it is just something like, if you could just fix a problem that bothers you a lot. Because it is funny to think that, like, Beyonce was like, I'm not going to sit on piss ever again. I'm rich. That'll never happen to me ever again. I'll just take the toilet seat off if I have to.

Jay-Z's up at 3 a.m. being like, are you wrong about that? I turn the fucking light on and wake him up. You're wrong, man. You're wrong. What's the worst thing that bothers you in your everyday life that you wish you could get rid of? You know, man, nothing really

bothers me until it bothers me, if that makes sense. Sitting here right now, I am a problem-free man. In reality, I'm a poor man who's almost homeless. It's really a question of the word bother. Yeah. Because it's like I do have problems, but they don't bother me. When something's bothering me, it consumes you. It's the worst thing in the world.

Right, right. Right now, boy boy it's hard you know what i can't get out of my head right now i don't have enough hangers hangers so if i fix the hanger issue if i could if i could have someone who buys me more hangers i'd be be cake. Well, okay. How about that? Yeah, like why don't all closets – Which, by the way, I could probably have hangers at home by the time I got home. What?

I could probably have hangers at my apartment by the time I got home. It costs about $3.95. But that's the point of this is like Beyonce, you could afford toilet seats and so she just does it. You could get hangers. I could get it. But you won't. No. Goodness, no. You could afford toilet seats And so she just does it You could get You could get hangers I could get But you won't No Goodness no

Bro the bottom of my closet Is just shirts I don't think I wear anymore That I've taken off a hanger And thrown on the floor And put a new shirt on Yeah naturally I'm like

I probably won't be wearing This one anymore Yoga's down the hall Why can't hangers Just be built into the bar? And then you just kind of put your shirt around it That'd be better, right? I can see that making sense, yeah

You can't take it off and travel with it But I just want I'll have my travel hangers And my at-home hangers Yeah, I'm not really a travel hanger guy I don't travel hangers that often And then I just have, you know, like 20 built-inhome hangers. Yeah, I'm not really a travel hanger guy. I don't travel hangers that often. And then I just have,

you know, like, 20 built-in permanent hangers. Disintegration-proof underwear. First of all, this motherfucker said disintegration. Second of all,

you're disgusting. Dude. How bad are they? Right now, I don't think I have many holes in these. Many holes? And also multiple pairs? Every pair.

What do you do when you're underwear that there aren't holes in them? Every, this is fucking, come on. I'm not the weird one here. How often do you buy new underwear? Clearly not often Literally never Every Christmas my mom puts a pair in my stockings A pair

Bro I mean I have I would probably venture to guess I have 60 pairs of boxers Boxer briefs Yeah I'm not that I think I've bought I've got a starting rotation And I've got like a backup team

Yeah And there's some like with the holes in it that are like if things are going really bad. But if I have a hole, it's gone. Yeah. In that case, I'm a bottom of the barrel franchise. We probably need new owners. The fans in the stadium, they carry a lot of Zelda team signs. Dude, last night I was getting into bed or getting in the shower before bed,

and I went to pull my boxers down or my briefs down, and I just put my finger through it. Like through the fabric. I went and just grabbed it here, and my thumb just went through. It's like it's made of like paper mache or something. I still have them. I'll bring them in tomorrow. How old could they be?

I'll tell you what. They're from a podcast ad, so seven years max. I would hope. Bro, you have underwear that's seven years old still? I get one new pair a year. No, come on. Stop it. How old is he? This is the bit.

This isn't that much of a bit. You have not bought underwear? Probably the last pair of underwear I myself purchased was that pair of small underwear. Are you just constantly doing laundry? I do laundry every day. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. You do laundry every day? I do probably a load a day.

Maybe not quite. Maybe every other day, day and a half. Yeah, because you only have seven pairs of underwear. No, I have a lot. I have 60 pairs of underwear, so I don't have to do laundry. But it's like, I wear like three outfits a day. So I go through a lot of clothes. What are you fucking Beyonce?

What are you talking about? What are you talking about? They're not outfits, but I go to the gym. I wear my clothes, and I wear clothes I kind of put on the house, and I change those when I wake up. So I probably wear three pairs of underwear a day. And you only have like seven pairs. Your life is just one constant load of laundry.

Like your boxers are just getting worn to shit. Because that's why I don't have any underwear with holes in it. I don't. I don't think – The only thing that might happen is if I rip the tag and then you get a hole in the – Just take your pants off. Dude, that was me all fucking week at the beach. Nah, you're good.

You're good. So, it's this exact brand. That has a hole in it. Dude, that is... If I have a pair with a hole, gone and i feel like i don't even like they're gone before that probably because i'm also getting fat and i and i wear boxers that fit me unlike you where you just somehow santa claus that shit and just just skip into a pair of boxers that don't fit you even remotely at all um i i i don't i don't understand you that might be the weirdest thing like that's that's not that abnormal

to be doing laundry every day is abnormal oh it's in my apartment not going not having basically it's like i just like when i get out of the shower at night i just throw a load in like my the answer to my question About the Beyonce thing Is actually What I've done with underwear I just bought A thousand pairs

Socks and underwear I can probably go For like two months Before I ever need to do laundry I could probably go If like If I started wearing One pair a day

I could go close to a month Probably Three pairs a day is crazy. Sometimes I don't wear them to the gym, so sometimes it's just two days. I got those shorts with the thing built in. Yeah. And then you should free ball it when you get home.

But most of my shorts do have that thing built in. And then you wear underwear? No, but those aren't comfy to lounge around the house. So I just wear underwear and then shorts without. Just wear the shorts without wear underwear? No, but those aren't comfy to lounge around the house. So I just wear underwear and then shorts without. Just wear the shorts without the underwear? I only have one pair of those. The girls saw that they were inside out for a reason on this weekend.

They're like Eastern Connecticut rugby. I don't know where I got them. There's another brand of underwear that sells the 365 pack for like ten thousand dollars oh yeah you just have new underwear for every single i don't think anyone's like ever bought it but uh that that to me is kind of like the the story of like mariah carey's only wears like everything only once yeah i think they're that urban legend i want to just do that with underwear make it a reality just pairs gone but i mean you also know i have this fight all the time with just myself in the universe just screaming at the clouds about how boxers just

don't fit right anymore they're all made of the fucking under armor material and like all that so when i find a pair a set that i do, what sucks for me is the cheap homeless people shit fits way better than the fancy stuff for me. But those fucking morons put their dumb broke boy brands all over it. If I was like Haynes, I would just put like an H. That's it. I wouldn't be like, Hanes. Hanes is a respectable brand. No, it's not.

I mean, it is, but it's not like, you know. Listen, girls are not like getting wet over fucking Hanes boxers. It's better than a bunch of holes, brother. Ain't that the truth. Ain't that the truth. How about this? You think girls would rather you roll in? Those are the ones.

But we've talked about this. They shift. They changed it it they changed it from from it's actually not the one the one is where the calvin klein is written in the same it's it's black it's black on black that's the one when they switch to the white and black they also switch to like that dumb shit yeah i don't want to stretch just cock uh would you think girls would rather walk in, like, or pull on your pants and see old, tattered-up boxer briefs or new, fresh tighty-whities? Fresh tighty-whities. But you don't see my shit, dude. I get undressed like Bruce Almighty.

It's gone. You think so, though, The tighty-whities? And I'm not talking, like, it's not like he's wearing European-cut, like, Tommy John hot. We're talking, like, almost where it's, like, you know, a diaper it looks like. And it's got the weird, like, the

seam on it in the middle for your dick and all that, you know? I think if you can wear them, you can rock them. You got to have a fucking hammer. You got to be, like, in good shape. Yeah, and then it doesn't matter at all what you're wearing. Kramer wears the hell out of them. Is that what we're shooting for?

Yeah. Kramer? I want to look like Kramer. I just want to reach that Kramer level. Okay. Anyway, next topic. Okay, next up. This is from last week.

I did one minute on it back in the day, but we haven't done on the show. Lizzo is in hot water for fat shaming her employees and also forcing them to do uncomfortable acts at a bar in Amsterdam. As soon as I heard that, I was like, I think I know where this is going. And then the description of they, like, projectiles come out of, like, a body part. And then people eat bananas. I was like, I know where this is. I've been there. I've been there. And you know what?

I side with Lizzo on all things here. Because, first of all, I get the irony of it But Lizzo's allowed to be fat That's her shtick Her thing is I'm the fat girl Who is actually Exceedingly light on her feet Have you ever seen her play the flute and like dance

No This bitch can move Like she is gliding She's like bouncing on her tiptoes like you would think that she's like a little ballerina. And she's a big girl. Really? But she's fluting. More limber than I am. And bouncing. Oh, big time. Like, Lizzo

could probably dust me in a fucking race. Watch this. I mean, I don't know if this is the exact one. I can handle that. Yeah, that's a little different. There was one where she was doing, like, an Irish jig. She was in, like, see if you can do, like, I can handle that. Yeah, that's a little different. There was one where she was doing an Irish jig. See if you can do Lizzo Irish jig. See if that pops up. Because she was doing that Irish step

where your legs pop up and down. I was like, God damn. I didn't think she had it like that. But regardless, when your thing is, let's call it, she's known for being the big girl. She's a great singer. She has a great voice.

She puts out good music. But a lot of her character is how big she is. So, like, backup dancer, not you. Yeah. Lizzo, actually, it's hard. She works hard to maintain that figure. It's like the old lineman. It's like, you know how many calories this takes every day?

Totally. This is a grind. This is uncomfortable for me. This is a fucking grind. And I'm not going to look like me if you all look like me, too. takes totally totally this is a grind it's uncomfortable this is a fucking grind and i'm not gonna look like me if you all look like me too yeah i can't have big girls next to me it's like come on all these girls all wait a minute all of our dancers do look bigger so i don't even know what's going on on that anyway that story's like whatever fat shaming is so 2015 who cares

uh forcing your employees to do sex acts that's the one where you go whoa wait a minute and then you read the story and maybe it's because we've experienced it but like you shouldn't force employees to do sex acts when there's someone a little peer pressure to eat a banana out of someone's pussy is not a sex act come on that's it's not even peer pressure it's like someone's got a banana in their vagina in front of you. There's only one thing to do. Yeah. You're going to eat it.

That's it. That's it. And particularly when you're in that environment, there's – when I victim blame in here, I'm just saying, you put a banana and pussy in front of me in Amsterdam, I'm eating it. I'm eating it. I'm eating it. No one's pressuring me to do nothing. But also, you know why? Did you eat it, Nick? Who ate it?

Everybody. We all did. Yeah. Everybody took a why? Did you eat it, Nick? Who ate it? Everybody. Yeah, everybody did. Yeah, everybody took a bite. I started. Oh, yeah. Because we all took a bite. I think of the same one, didn't we? Yeah.

Because by the end of it, someone had to get to the very end, and they were, like, in there. Got a wet nose like a dog. I was actually thinking that. That's exactly where your nose would hit. Yeah, that's right. I thought this was one of those Like individualized ones No no There was the dude

That was just there by himself That guy Yeah That guy was having a banana split By himself That was crazy Yeah he was cutting it up He was slicing that shit

Like But I Also like Because You know why You walked through the door Of the banana bar

In Amsterdam Yeah You know like If this was like At a regular place Or like Lizzo's house And all of a sudden She's like Bam through the door of the banana bar in amsterdam yeah you know like if this was like uh at a regular place or like lizzo's house and all of a sudden she's like bam eat this banana that's some weird shit you know you're in a fucking someone invites you to their hotel room and they're doing banana tricks like weird you're out of the red light district at a bar called the banana bar

we heard tale of it before we went in. They obviously did. And it's not a place where you get to just be like, I'm just here for, you know. It's like, no, no. We're all going to eat because then it's like a social contract. Now we've all done this disgusting, perverted thing. And there's mutually assured destruction. And we all can be like, it's like the hangover. Like, we're going to look at these one time and never talk about it again. We all ate that fucking banana and that's it.

You can't be like, let's go out on the town, go to the banana bar, and then be like, no, I don't think so. Don't even go out. Dude, I feel like with these particular employees, I'm like fucking Stuart Costanzo, the Andrea Doria. Like, oh, you ate a banana? Yeah, like you want to hear a real fucking tale? Did they fucking shove a stiletto up your ass and put it in your mouth? My fucking punching bag was sore for days after that.

Bro, you got beaten, too. They were whacking you with their belt and they were missing. They were hitting your ribs and shit. That was brutal with the belt buckle and everything dude I got I mean it was this very belt

it's this belt this is a head it's an alligator skin belt and the buckle's big right it's not it's not the buckles it's got the fucking the ribcaps right

yeah yeah like fucking bro I got I left with scars and an infection scars mental

and physical bro so uh yeah anyway burt lawyer up imagine he's made this a class action versus one one last uh one minute man thing here um edinburgh has a festival going on right now. Ed Fringe, it's called. And this woman did a one-man play, one-woman show. And one person showed up. Oh, yes, I saw that. And she posted a video of herself crying and has since sold the fuck out because the internet felt bad and everybody bought tickets. Where do you fall on this? What's your opinion of this i gotta cry come to games well yeah because listen well first of all i'll tell you what my first thought was

being that fucking person i don't give a shit about how awkward it felt for the girl on stage. You're a performer. You go out on stage. You always run the risk of people not coming to your show. That is just the thing we all go through. You hope even on a bad night

you get more than one and when one person shows up that sucks. You know, the only position worse than that is being that person because it's almost like having somebody play the guitar for you but you can't leave. so you have to stay there for an hour and just be like

you're like making just eye contact with just you and like so when you do like the funny moment or the big whatever you have to laugh you have to cry you have to oh my god you know like all that show was it was comedy called sunsets i know that it's uh i the poster looked very jovial i don't know if it's comedy or what but it was i i remember reading i mean that that's got to be a one woman yeah one woman play but happily i'll also say this. One woman, one man shows, you better be fucking fired. Otherwise, it feels like the most narcissistic thing in the world to me. I'll just do it all myself. I'll just do the whole play by myself.

What was that picture of the bear up there? What is that? Is that part of the show? So all of these comedians are now making videos for her. And so as someone who has been on stage just even a little bit and worried about ticket sales and gone out in front of small crowds and had empty seats and all that on like an empathy level, like, oh, I can't even. I can't imagine the other side of me says i'd rather go out there to one person than like 12 yeah 100 you know it's like 50 on the test versus yeah just give me the zero i'd rather i first of all i would just say we can just go home yeah you know they go no no i paid money it you know, just like we're going home.

But I also if that doesn't work, I switch my thing up a little bit. I would talk to you and laugh to you. I'd take a break. You know, it would just become a me and you thing when there's like enough people that it's like I just have to do my act for just like 10 of you. That's the worst and then there's the ultimate hater in me is like and now she's selling out all of her fucking shows god damn it it's

should I have just cried at our show in fucking Dallas or whatever when it wasn't sold out then you guys fucking come do I need less people to come for you guys to you know what I mean it's better to bomb completely like that and then you get to sell out. Yeah, it's like the kid's birthday.

No one came. The whole town comes. Well, I don't want that either. Remember that rash of those? Yeah, yeah. By the way, come to Columbus and Cincinnati and Pittsburgh and Indianapolis and Madison. You know what I want? I want somebody who's rich to buy out the whole place and just come.

And then we have one person to play for, but we make the money. But we just have one person. That would be sick. Just a one-man show just for that person. I'd say the time Minahan did a live show in someone's living room. No. That would be sick. Just a one-man show just for that person. I'd say that time Minahan did a live show in someone's living room. No. Fucking insane. I think it was like part of his, like he was raising money for a firefighter or something.

And it was like Golden Ticket was like, we'll come to your house and do a show. Which is like the last thing in the world I would ever want. And it's like Kirk was just like sitting in some guy's living room for just for just like him like with a stage setup i think no i think it was like this total insanity man fucking insane i saw a video of his dance number the other day yeah did you see that kirk's yeah yeah no he did like a pull guy i think it was hip-hop dance i don't know some kind of dance at his live show in Plymouth, Mass. Oh, wow. We got to see that.

Oh, also we got to do our – let's do a quick social media Barstool round. Yes. What did you see over the weekend? My favorite tweet – and it didn't get nearly the attention it deserved. It's a 10 out of 10 tweet. I'm going to pull it up right now It is From one Edward Barstool

Oh my god This is unbelievable It's It's amazing All around it's like Mad Libs The people involved is funny The location is funny Bro it's a picture of a maroon 5 poster and eddie tweeted

got strong-armed into a maroon 5 concert in vegas by my uncle unexpected but time to get mentally prepared to belt out payphone i guess i love maroon 5 as much as the next guy totally but picturing eddie's uncle who i assume is exactly eddie totally. Just a little bit older. Grayer beard. Just the two of them sitting there in Vegas being like, we're done with the slots. We're done with the fucking whatever.

Hey, Ed, you want to go check out? I don't know what the voice that was. That was Canadian. How do you do the Chicago accent? Maroon 5. Yeah, there it is. Hey, go see Adam Levine tonight. That's crazy to picture

Eddie and his uncle singing like, sugar this week. I would imagine Eddie and his uncle like to go to the bear. They want to go have beefs in a back alley. They also rip a cigar, bet on some illegal ponies. Describing a great weekend.

Yeah. That's what Eddie and his uncle do. Not go to Maroon 5 in Vegas. It's crazy. It's awesome. So you think he got strong arms so you think his uncle was like eddie i got two tickets we're going we're going to see adam levine or do you think it was like like hey uh if i got tickets to maroon five would you want to go and then eddie felt bad or you think it was like we're going motherfucker i would think

knowing eddie you know enough i would think ed oh, boy, I don't want to do this. But what? He's definitely turning Canadian every time. It's 100%. This is such a weird thing for me. I'm not close enough with any of my uncles. With one uncle, I'd be close enough that I'd be like, all right, I got to go. But you're

always going to dinner with your aunt they're going to broadway shows like if i was in vegas with my uncle and he wanted to go to maroon five i'd be like get the fuck out of here bro i wouldn't say no to anybody like i just that's what i can't do so like i'd be like yeah let's do it like like that's if it's uh but i also don't like it seems like by the way i bet puts on a great show oh a lot of fucking hell yeah you know it's not like you're dragging you to like some garbage band you never heard of it's a little bit gay and it's a little bit like yeah it's not the coolest thing in the world but who fucking cares yeah they're a little uh little nickelback ask where it's like adam levine you think it's for girls, blah, blah, blah, and then you see their hit list and it's like, oh, shit.

All these things fucking slap. As far as 106.7 FM goes. I'm not going to walk out to my boxing match to it. Actually, wouldn't that be cool? I've always thought about that. What if you came out to that song

Truly, Madly, Deeply? Yeah. Wouldn't that be cool to throw a fucking curveball like that? Oh, I've thought if I ever did Rough and Rowdy, like, yeah, come out something like that. Yeah. And, like, a long one, like, slow walk. So it's, like, all four minutes of the song. Dude, what's the song? Is it Stairway to Heaven?

Is it as, like, Crazy Long or American Pie? Free Bird. Both of those are. I remember when, in high school, we had tyson fury did american pie after after he won and it was like the full fucking song no i don't remember yeah he had all these he has all his irish gypsies fucking singing in the ring the uh it was the worst thing ever for dionte wilder i was like what's going on here they're dancing on my grave grave. Eight and a half minutes. See, no. When I was in high school, our English teacher loved music and would let us start every class with a song.

And the class got to vote who got to pick the song. And then we'd just listen to the song and start class. Yeah. And we would always pick my buddy to the point that the rules had to be changed because he would play a 14-minute song. Brilliant. Brilliant. He eats up half a class. He had to be like, all would play a 14 minute song. Brilliant. Brilliant. He eats up half a class.

He had to be like, all right, we can't do this anymore. You guys ruined it. You guys ruined it. Dude, the fortitude it takes to just be on minute seven and be like, we're still going. Like,

I'm not going to stop teacher. We're doing this for 14 minutes. But like the third time he was like, what the fuck? Week two. He's like, all right, you guys ruin that. We're supposed to be such a pain in the ass the fuck? And I'm like, week two. He's like, all right, you guys ruined that?

We're supposed to be such a pain in the ass for a teacher? I did this fun little thing, and you guys are killing 14 minutes of a 40-minute class every day. Brilliant. I love it. It's a great loophole. It's a great loophole. Okay, so Eddie gets dragged to see Maroon 5. We'll have to get a recap from him.

And then the other uh barstool weekend social media roundup is uh jersey jerry jerry i i feel like jerry's gonna be a staple in this segment i would imagine jerry this time as as we talk right now it's probably still hard as a rock did he i didn't i didn't see this in real time did he uh did he post about it like in the moment or he posted a day later he's he posted about it a day later he was moving the night before he's like I took a Viagra

last night I'm still just what do you mean he was moving the night before like moving apartments yeah packing up

and stuff like that why would you take a Viagra when you're moving he said he just found a Viagra that his uncle had given him and he was like

might as well take it which I get floor drugs is like yeah it's like found I remember taking like finding 20 in your pocket like I just found a pill.

I don't know. Bro, my first apartment I moved out of in New York. I've moved twice on Molly. But. I got on your 40 to shit and I've moved twice on Molly. It is a banner day for you, dude. Banner day. I've moved.

Dude, that's actually the trashiest thing I've ever heard. I've been high on Molly twice. Twice. While moving. One time is, like, funny and trashy. Two times is insane. I've moved. Have you ever moved high on Molly?

Twice. Were you actually, like, rolling and, like, uh? Molly kind of just hitsits me like a fucking Like an upper Like it's just like I don't really see anything Or I don't get like Like kissy or whatever

It's just like I just grind Yeah But the first time I was moving to New York I was living with a drug dealer And we were moving the couch And we took the pillow

The cushions off the couch And I just saw a pillow And I was like Honestly The only reason I took it Was because When I moving the couch and we took the pillow the cushions off the couch i just saw a pill and was like honestly the only reason i took it was because i didn't want to tilt the couch sideways i didn't want it to fall on the ground and i was like i'll just take this to avoid the mess um so that was one my first apartment i was in new york like 21 and then probably once i was moving in boston when i was probably 26. We were moving in the morning. We were both hungover. And we were like, we can't do this.

And he's like, I got some molly. And I was like, yeah, let's fucking do some molly. And I'll tell you what, we moved like a motherfucker. Job got done. But this is, my uncle gave me a Viagra months ago. And while I was packing last night, I found it. Took it around 8 p.m. And I've been rock solid ever since.

But that's not even the worst part. My girlfriend fell asleep at 8.30, but catastrophe to say the least. It is... It's a great tweet. It's an all-time tweet. I mean... I don't know... The thought of Jerry just hard-dicked up for, like, hours. Just walk around the apartment like, I don't know what to do.

I mean, but, like, you just fucking... You gotta empty the tank, right? I've never taken Viagra. I would love to. If someone wants to write me a prescription, I'd love to take Viagra. Because the problem is, it's not really the cum. It's the blood. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's fucking funny. That is fucking funny, man. That is great. That is fucking funny. That is fucking funny, man. That is great. That is fucking... How about that fat kid, Big T? The kid I sent you... Oh, yeah, yeah. The Instagram I sent you.

Somebody's got to be, like, writing those skits for him, right? Some of them are, like, a funny 13-year-old kid would do that. Some of them are like jokes about NBA players that he was like not even remotely around for. That guy, Big T, Tyler like Workowich or whatever. I put him on One Minute Man. Half the audience was like, oh my god, this guy is so funny. Great, fine. The other half of the audience was like, I didn't laugh once.

I was like, I can't. If you didn't laugh at that, if you didn't laugh at a fat 13-year-old kid where it says, no P. August, and you're just going... Day two. Day two of no P. August. It's so fucking funny. I mean, every single video of his was just like

one after another after another. I was dying at this kid. To the point that I was like, I wouldn't be surprised if somebody else is like – these skits are funny, but it's funnier if it comes from like a chubby prepubescent kid. That's what Shia LaBeouf – his dad used to write his stand-up because it was funnier coming from a little kid. Really? Interesting. Like he was a child. He's like –

That is so fucking funny. Day two of no p august and then the one of breaking into my house the burner breaking into my house and it's just me kissing men you'll love this one it's it's like one of those like i i i genuinely was like oh my god i think because he only had uh at the time he had like he had like 70 something thousand followers he's got 100 now i was like oh my god i think i like stumbled upon he wasn't a nobody but i was like this is gonna be like the next thing and i saw some people be like i didn't laugh once and i was like then unfollow me man unfollow me my pronouns are pounds slash kilograms too good too fucking good um but jersey jerry uh yeah i would always think like let me just come but that doesn't stop the blood from you got to

come blood yeah you know you almost gotta like put like blood let you gotta like poke a hole and i i the commercials say after four hours. Jerry went 24. That's crazy. Breaked up. All right. Voicemails. What do we got?

Today's voicemails are brought to you by Pirate Water. I went down to North Carolina for my vacation. The first thing I did was go to drinkpiratewater.com. I entered in my zip code right away. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. All the different locations popped up. I went to the mini mart and right there were all three flavors. I was going to say all four, but one of them was already sold out.

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merch package of Pirate Water. So best voicemail of the week will get some Pirate Water swag. But you've got to make sure you tag Pirate Water and send in your voicemails. So drinkpiratewater.com, at Pirate Water on social. Get pegged. KFC, Fights, Nick, Jackie, Pavs, calling in with an odd question here. Sitting at the bar this weekend with my roommate.

Roommate had brought a coworker in, which is always odd you know we don't really know him but a co-worker had tipped a bartender who's a cute girl uh a pretty handsome amount and we got talking you know she was doing what bartenders are supposed to do wearing low-cut tops high high shorts trying to get tips from everybody and we were talking you know and co-worker goes well if tits got tips my sister would be a millionaire and we all are kind of taken aback by the comment and it led to many different conversations one being about his sister's tits of course but two if you were talking like on a pure ratio of like if big tits big tips, who would be the best tipped waitress and waiter and why? Viva.

Bro. Saying that about your sister is wild. It's very, very funny. I just mean, like, my sister's tits are huge boys they are just bombs like that's that's that's a situation where you know i i don't even know how that works versus like if your sister's just like this fucking if you have an only fan sister or super hot in the in public sister it's just like you know it you know it but you like your brain just doesn't think about yeah like there's just a disconnect right because you can't it's like you like tits that look like

that you like a body that looks like that but that belongs to your sister what the fuck do you do but oh man that is all done that's a great it is a great line. If someone said that in my presence, I'd be like, just so you know, we're best friends now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the fucking man, dude. You're my buddy's coworker. We can get rid of you. I picture that with, like, he's got a dip in, and he's got, like, a pirate water in his hand.

Fucking boys, let me tell you uh the greatest uh the greatest waiter waitress it would be a slug fest between alexander daddario and sky brie that girl's tits and and what's her name jasmine or whatever her name was where's the picture it's right there Oh yeah Yeah I mean that's the answer Yeah That's true Jamie Jamie Jamie Jamie gets the tips Sorry Jack Edit it out

Jack he's just gonna make the screen black But Get rid of the photo She's got She would make so many tips That's hard to say Alright next one I was gonna say Glennie, by the way.

Glennie. Half his tits. Glennie. It is a problem that my mind went to guys. Like, right away. I was like, Glennie's got a good set, Frank. I put a pair in there.

There's a reel of a black guy dancing who has tits. Have you seen that? I want to say maybe Che Durant posted it. Let me look. If there's one thing – if there's one place you're looking for weird, horny material, go to Che's account. But it was like – people were like, why is this not banned from Instagram? Like if a girl did this, it would for sure be banned.

He's just got tits i must have just assumed silly of me to think uh but whoever that guy is if you know who i'm talking about he he's the number one kfc fights uh the gang uh just listening to kfc featuring bone to pick uh with mr robert kelly and paul verzi and bob Bobby was talking about the little mumble that you do when you're jaywalking. Get the fuck out of my way. Fucking asshole. It just made me think, this one time when I was living in Boston, you know, busy Saturday or whatever it was, red line is fucking packed to the gills, stops you know here so i go to get off the the train and you know the old ladies are doing the i don't want to lose my spot so i'm going to stand

right in the middle of the door move um which prompted me to look at 85 year old woman directly in the eyes and tell her to get the fuck out of my way um and blow past her like nothing ever happened so i guess the question is what's the most insane thing that you've said in public to somebody that you look back on and be like, Jesus Christ, if anyone was like, hey, is that a so-and-so? You'd be like, no, it wasn't me. But yes, you just sometimes rage hits. People not getting out of the way of the door is nuts.

Is that a thing in Boston? Even the animals in New York, no know you get to the sides, let people off. If you're on the train... Bro, I've ridden the T like twice in my life. I was going to say, when he was like, the red lines packed to the gills, I was like, does that even happen? Yeah, I mean obviously more than two, but

it's not a regular thing I've done. Elevators and subways, you know, you let people off, whether you're inside or outside, and if you don't do that, you're a piece of shit and you deserve to get screamed on as far as what's the craziest thing i said in public i i i shut my fucking mouth i don't talk so little if there's not a microphone like the craziest thing i've said in public is crazy shit on this fucking show yeah the list is endless like out out in the wild, I say like ten words a day. Yeah, I don't really – I honestly don't have anything that comes to mind.

I have the one thing that I said to my teacher that always kind of like clearly scarred me very badly. When someone asked how to spell his last name and I said F-A-T. It just came out. I still to this day, I'm like so sorry about that. I never joked like that. I didn't even call him fat behind his back. It was just like, how do you spell his name? I was like, F-A-T.

That's so mean. Freshman science class erupted into laughter. Me and him locked eyes. And I was like, oh my god. It's okay. Good for him. He should have been like, fuck you. I was like, I'm so. It's okay. It's okay. Good for him. He should have been like, fuck you. Yeah, I was like, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. And he's like, I know what I look like. But he didn't say that. But that's definitely, I guess that's the exact answer to this question. Because it is. That's the one. It was horrific and awful. And I'm so sorry.

It bothers me so badly that I said that. You should get in contact with that guy. Oh, he's dead. Okay. Heart attack. Then who cares? He was too fat. Yeah, I don't know him.

I've gotten into road rage incidents relatively recently where I was, like, yelling in public, and afterwards I was like, I don't remember specifically what I said, but just raising your voice to, like, a stranger at all is fucking insane. I was like, what's going to happen here? Wor gonna happen worst case scenario some people's like gun shoots you best case scenario you just look like a dickhead yelling in the street it's like and that that's why i'll never yell at somebody or say something like that because they it just emboldens them right no matter what you say it's gonna escalate the situation it doesn't but even if they don't say anything back they don't go home they're like i need to reevaluate how i do now they're like

this fucking lunatic dude and i like totally there is confronting someone is a loot like there's no winning in it so it is not something i do all right last one real quick hey guys first time long time um last night when i was at the gym i go after hours just get in there buzz in and then uh work out and there's a few people there it's a smaller gym and this guy he had his stuff on every single piece of equipment it seemed like a backpack shirt hoodie another pair of shoes a pair of pants because he had shorts on and he just stripped off and just throwing stuff everywhere had his phone playing music out loud like a crazy person. And I wanted to do lat pulldown. And this guy came running up to me and goes, hey, man, I'm still using that.

And I was like, all right. So I was pissed off, and I walked up to the treadmill, saw that his keys were inside the treadmill. So I chucked it behind the front person desk for them to find in the morning and walked out. Don't know if he ever found his keys or not, were inside the treadmill, so I chucked it behind the front person desk for them to find in the morning and walked out. Don't know if he ever found his keys or not, but I just wanted to know if that was justified.

Thanks. Can you imagine if I looked down and his dick was out of my glasses? I was hoping to catch something in the reflection. If you looked down, he was just naked. I would have fucking lost it. That, I gotta say, is not... It's infuriating and crazy when someone

does that. So the guy's bag was on the machine, he took the bag and threw it? He was taking all the machines. And he took his keys. Just the keys? Yeah. And just threw them. That is... But he threw it behind the front desk which is like, someone's gonna see it, and then

it's gonna go to the lost and found. Yeah, but there are your keys, man. You can't get into your home. Yeah. No, but here's what I mean. I say if you're going to strike, strike to kill. You know what I mean? You're going to do some shit.

That's a – I cannot post that. What about if he hung a bag and you took the bag and you threw it and his keys were in the bag? Because then you don't know. I wouldn't do any of that. You run through this issue when you're at the gym. Everyone's got like

fucking a million supersets they do now and it is what it is. But I've also been the guy there who had three... I don't think I've ever had more than two things. I do – you have two things you do. Like, that's fine. I don't think I've ever had, like, three separate things.

But the – you just fucking Google alternate exercise. Like, there's a million exercises to hit your fucking hamstrings. Or just, you know, like, I'm going go do my tries now and come back to hamstrings. It sucks. Don't get me wrong. It's a pain in the ass. But, like, the alternate is – I remember when I was in Amsterdam and I was with my parents, my mom and my brother. And we were getting the tour.

We had, like, a small tour. And there was one guy who was losing his fucking mind. And someone was a little late. And he's like, we paid a lot of money for this tour. And he's still yelling at the woman in the elevator at the Reichstatt Museum or something like that, whatever. Reichs Museum. And the woman just very calmly goes, we do offer private tours, sir.

And you can fucking build a gym again. When you have to be in public, you have to deal with other people. That sucks. And it's not great. But you can work build a gym yeah it's not you have to deal with other people that sucks and it's not great but like you can work out at home you can put a gym in your house and you don't have to deal with that ever again yeah that's it it it sucks it's fucking really in that moment that annoys me at the toilet seat like that's what bothers me more than anything but like i just have you have to take a breath and go i also think this is what's like being in public sometimes people suck i also think it's equally as crazy to be like i have to work out my hamstrings right now like it'll probably be

done in a matter of minutes right i don't know go to the bathroom go get a water go do a different exercise you don't have to use it you're you're in the right but it's like i don't know and the guy being a dick makes it worse and all that stuff like today someone was like how many sets you have left and i had five left and i was like, how many sets do you have left? And I had five left. And I was like, I got five. And he kind of gave me a look. And I did three. And I was like, hey, man, I'm all set. But so if the guy was like, I'm using

this. You can't touch until I'm done. You're kind of asking for a little something. Get rid of the keys. Oh, dude. I don't think you're in the right. You don't know like, you know, that guy has to get home. He might have a kid at home. right you don't know like you know that guy has to get home you might have a kid at home

like you know there might be something I gotta get home to like give my mom medicine you could really fuck somebody up by throwing away their keys oh that'd be so good they like find you they got the camera of you throwing it

for murder. Oh, beautiful. All right. We got an interview or no? No. All right. That's it. We'll see you guys.

No interview today. So, well, whatever. I won't say it. All right. That's it. I'll see you guys next episode. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.