KFC Radio - Bill Burr, If I Had A Billion Dollars, and Stephen Hawking Conspiracy Theories

Episode Date: October 18, 2018

Bill Burr comes through to talk about how the Yankees aren't even really a rival anymore, Tom Brady's late night pillow talk with Gisele and what it's like to perform in front of 20,000 people. Someone is gonna win $1 BILLION and we really need it to be a stoolie. Stephen Hawking is a fraud who should've just started his own religion. Voicemails include: being vegan or fighting Teletubbies, getting deleted on social, and WYR: always have to repeat songs or never be able to repeat songs?You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's episode of KFC Radio is brought to you by Thursday Boots. Now, we here at KFC Radio, we suffer from, or we thrive from, reverse seasonal affective disorder. Reverse sad. When the temperatures drop, when the season changes, we get happier. Because it's nice and cool, which means you're not sweating, you're not uncomfortable, you're rocking your favorite fit. And a part of that fit is a nice pair of Thursday boots on your feet.

They got every sort of different kind of boot in the game. They got low cut, high cut, black, brown, tan, olive, suede, leather. They got every type of material, every type of style. You know what I mean, materials. You know? Come on, man. Every type of material, every type of style, every type of color, everything to complete that fall look while you got your hoodie on, your jacket on, put your scarf on like Madame Feidelberg, match it to your Thursday boots.

I don't wear scarves anymore. What? That's part of your signature look. I don't wear scarves anymore. What? That's part of your, like, signature look. You're out on scarves? Sorry, I'm eating my Lebanese meat pie. This is where you're an asshole. I have a great system for, like, how to know it's time to move on from things when Dave starts doing it. Bro, okay.

That is a good, that's a good one. I haven't worn a pair of distressed jeans since I saw Dave in a pair like three weeks ago. That's different. Something like distressed jeans, that's a fad that comes and goes. Scarves are not fads. No, but he was- Scarves are a fucking thing. It's like saying a hat is a fucking fad.

No, you're right. But once he starts wearing them indoors like an asshole, then it's like- If you're wearing a scarf to wear a scarf on purpose, yes, I agree. Dave is doing it now. Move on from that. Like when you used to strut around the office with one on. But I think if you want to fucking wrap up in one because it's cold out and you want a nice one, that's not like, oh, you're copying Dave Portnoy. No, no, no.

I don't think it is. It's just kind of just a little message to the younger folks. So like, hey, okay, the old people are doing it now. Right. Move on. Let's find something new. I could see it being even like, damn, I really like old people are doing it now. Right. Time to move on. Let's find something new. I could see it being even like, damn,

I like, like, I really like distressed jeans, but that's it. Sorry, he put it in the coffin. I have, I haven't,

he probably wore a pair, maybe like a month ago or so. And I was just like, well, those are done. You mean like with holes in it? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Cause yeah, he has ones where like his whole like thigh is out. Yeah. And he used to cross me for those two years ago. Yeah. So now, now that I know that he's finally come around.

He used to just not wear any jeans at all. Yeah. And now all of a sudden he's like, oh, this is stylish? Okay. He's an asshole. Something that is never going out of style, though, is a fresh pair of good boots. You can wear season after season. Get a nice brown pair, a nice black pair, something you can wear with every outfit,

all season long, year after year after year. That's what Thursday Boots does. Thursdayboots.com. Get in the game. Get into fall. Yeah, this fucking meat pie is so good. Feidelberg is eating a Lebanese meat pie and acting like it's like a cheeseburger,

like it's like the most common meal in the world. Hey, you want to hit some of this? You want to hit this Lebanese meat pie? What the fuck is a Lebanese meat pie? I mean, I was saying that because I knew you wouldn't know. That's why I was calling it a Lebanese meat pie. He's talking about how he grew up eating them. Sometimes his mom made a French meat pie.

Now he's at Lebanese meat pies. French meat pies are garbage. Fucking French meat pie. Yeah, man. I mean, it's a Fall River thing. Is it a white trash thing? Because Fall River is white trash. No.

I can't decide. You can't be Lebanese and white trash. Lebanese trash. I can't decide if, like, sometimes Lebanese and white trash. Lebanese trash. I can't decide if like sometimes Feidelberg, you know, Feidelberg's ultra bougie, but then he's from this white trash place. So he's an enigma. Fall River's not white trash. It's not?

No, it's not like a nice city, but it's not white trash. It's different. It's like it's a city. Are there black people? It's a city, yeah. So it's just a trashy city. It's a city. Yeah, it's a city that's not so great. It's a city that's been on hard times for a couple hundred years now.

We're coming around. This Lebanese meat pie thing looks like a fucking shitty empanada. I mean, it's basically not deep fried empanada. You said cheeseburger. I mean, it is. It's a shitty cheesesteak. Basically, like, it's just beef. It's terrible.

It's like an empanada that's not fried. Right, it's terrible. It's really good. I don't know what you're talking about. You're talking crazy now. Get a charisse meat pie. Well, then you get real fall over with it. I don't know what he means.

A Lebanese charisse meat pie? Oh, boy. I mean, again, you talk like it's hamburgers and hot dogs. You have a bite of that, you'll stop yelling, Benefica! So quickly. I got nothing. I don't even know what's happening right

now i'm drunk on lebanese peep eyes apparently man uh i feel like you're also drunk off steven hawking right now i feel you're riding high after writing that blog steven hawking he kicked the bucket not too long ago allegedly supposedly me and hen easy have been woke on steven hawking for a real long time how so many many Many, many different theories. One being maybe it's not even one person. Maybe that's like a fucking robot that they trot out there all the time. Maybe he was never really wheelchair

bound to begin with. Maybe. There's a million theories. I'm not woke on any of that stuff. I believe he is a wheelchair bound person. I'm woke on just like if he wasn't in a wheelchair we wouldn't be paying as much attention, first of all. That's definitely true. And two, we see the Professor X, and we're like, okay,

so here he is for real. It's real life X-Men. If he could walk, we'd be like, you're full of shit, bro. Well, that's what I'm definitely woke to, is that he is just speaking on things that you don't know the answer to. Right, exactly. So I could be like, oh, Jupiter has this anti-gravity particle. It proved black matter's real.

Time travel is possible. And they're like, Stephen said it. He's a cripple in a wheelchair. Got to be true. Yeah, no, he's like, Earth will eventually be swallowed by a black hole. Anybody can say that. What kind of prediction is that? Right.

Like, put your name. Yeah, the Mets, they'll win the World Series one day. All right, fine, Stephen. Like, come on, man. You just know I'm not going to live long enough to prove you wrong. Right. I'm going to die before that happens. And you're not going to.

You clearly didn't live long enough to prove yourself right, so fuck out of here. Yeah, so he's wrong. And he does shit like, oh, well, he helped explain gravity. I'm not floating away. I understand gravity perfectly. Yeah, that's all there is to it. There's something. This invisible force keeps us on the ground.

Thanks, Steven. Don't need you. Don't need to make it more complicated than it is. What's his face? Who was it? Copernicus first? Sure. Why not?

Copernicus was like, the sun revolves around us, right? Or some shit. At that point, everybody believed that, and then he was just proven wrong. Copernicus is smart as shit. And then Galileo came around and was like, no, he's not. So what if someone rolls up, maybe literally, rolls up in his own wheelchair and he's like, Stephen's a fucking idiot. All of this is wrong. Then what?

I'm just saying we don't need to go sucking every guy in a wheelchair's dick because he sounds smart. And if he was, if Stephen Hawking actually was cool, if people didn't you know, if he was deserving of this love that he gets, he'd have been like, he'd have a sense of humor and he would have been funny about this where he would have said like, can you imagine if he was like, if he was deserving of this love that he gets, he'd have been like, he'd have a sense of humor, and he would have been funny about this, where he would have said,

like, can you imagine if he was like, if his last dying wish, like, it is kind of funny to have, like, your last dying words, but God ain't real. Right, so that's what the story is today. His book came out posthumously, and he said, there's no God. Right, which is something he said all the time when he's alive. I mean, if you thought that Stephen Hawking believed in God, you ain't paying attention.

Right. If you're a scientist or any medical professional or basically anyone with a brain, you're like, God's not real. There's a lot of other shit that says he isn't. Right. But if he died, if Hawking really wanted my respect, if he died and he said, I had a whole book. I said, hey, guys, he real. I wasn't fucking with you.

I made all my shit up. Jesus is a white man from the Middle East. He can do magic. Right? Yeah. He does magic. He could make many fish out of one fish. He can turn water into wine.

He walks on that water. He can eat his body. Right? And I know all this. The reason I knew all about space is because God told me. And God would just speak to me. I am God. God's real because I am him.

No, because that's not the long con. The long con, you you gotta keep going with it You gotta keep the people believing He's real and he told me from now on He'll be sending his messages to Amanda Bynes So listen to her pretty intently From now on And see if you can just create this new religion

People are doing it all the time L. Ron Hubbard said you wanna make that bank You create a religion You're telling me that you don't think that Hawkenkenism could compete with Scientology like that would just be the new Scientology yeah and Amanda Bonds would be the Pope this is pretty fucking awesome this is a this is a great but you know what's funny as we're making fun of all this like that's kind of what happens with everything in real life with all of them and like billions of people believe in it like all everything people I people laugh at Scientology like billions of people believe in it. People laugh at Scientology.

Like, why would you believe that? I don't know. What about the one we believe? Yeah. They're all pretty ridiculous. They're all ultra ridiculous. Imagine being like, oh, man, how are we going to get these people to live exactly how we want them to live? Well, let's tell them they'll go to a magical place of fire if they don't do it after they die.

And we'll just get them to believe that. How? Well, there's this guy. He was dead, but not really dead. And he rose from the dead and told us that. Okay, yeah, sounds good. Let's do it. You know what?

Let's build a building, and they come there every week, and they give us money. Sold! That's religion. That's how that shit all worked out, and everybody, you laugh at it now. You laugh at, like, Waco, Texas. I'm a prophet. I'm a this. this i'm the second that's what happens and you fucking go to church every sunday like a fucking idiot who does the same thing with a different story see there's always that question of you know if you could go back in time you know what would you do and shit like that like where would

you go in time and be like would you go back to like the wild west and like rob banks and like you use your knowledge now to be rich and i never think that i go be god i'd be but i'd be like, would you go back to the Wild West and rob banks and use your knowledge now to be rich? And I never think that I'd be very useful anywhere. I don't think I would be. I think everywhere I'd pretty much just be the same guy. Yeah. I don't have much knowledge that would impress people from the past. Yeah, you don't impress anybody in any way.

I'd be like, I can make fire. How? I don't know. I saw it in a movie. I in any way. I'd be like, I can make fire. How? I don't know. I saw it in a movie. I think you just get a stick and a rock or something like that. Yeah. I know how to, but I don't know how to. I mean, I've seen it done.

I don't know how to do it. But is there anything you could do right now that would impress people? From the past? Yeah. I just drop in. I don't have anything on me. No nothing. Got to be some basic science that I know that they don't know.

Right. Like what? Kevin. Yeah, I'm trying to think. Get me a couple of milk cartons and a string. I'm about to blow your mind. I don't even know what you're talking about. Well, yes, you do.

You never talked to a milk carton in the string. I don't. I'm not as old as you. That's not a thing. You know that, right? I mean, I know it, but I don't think I ever did it. I know. Have you seen that work?

I mean, I've seen that like in cartoons, but I've never just like. I think we did that. I did that in like elementary school. From another room? I think it's always done like in the same room. So you can just hear the person. You can just hear people. I'll take them to a whispering wall and blow their fucking mind shit. There's nothing, there was a tweet that kind of went viral the other day like you you've you've been dropped into 1918 like what what what are you

qualified to do it's like podcast yeah it's like you guys gotta get up your technology because i need to talk in downloadable audio form or i ain't gonna make any money i would be like um fucking uh what's his name i'd be i'd be uh be Tony Stark's dad when he – there's that video in Infinity Wars when he's like, Tony, I can't – the technology of my time is holding me back. You are my greatest creation. Right. I'd be like, look, I'm going to tell you guys this idea. And I don't know.

You're going to tell your kids. We're going to tell your grandkids. We're going to tell your grandkids. They should podcast immediately. That would be – I'd be the guy who predicted podcasting. That's the most important thing I could ever do. That's really the only thing you could do is start to be the Nostradamus of your day.

Like 1918, you'd be like, Red Sox are winning the World Series. Mark it down. And then people start to believe you and shit. That's all I got. That's all I got until 1996. That would be fun. I mean, when was the Titanic?

Before that? You know, imagine if you were just like, this boat, I'm telling you, you're calling it indestructible? It's not. It's not, guys. They'd probably think you were like a terrorist or something. They'd be like, that guy sunk the boat.

He said it was going to sink and then it sunk. He killed hundreds of people. I'm a supervillain. Done. I'd be pretty useful in the 1940s, I think. Just a heads up. This guy, gonna be trouble. Seriously, like, although I guess I wouldn't be the only person saying that.

No, that's the whole point. There were people who were saying that already. The whole point. We get it. We get it. He's not good. Like, no, no, no. He's way worse than you think.

Imagine those people were time travelers. They came back and they did everything they could. And it just didn't work. We're just isolationism. We're going to leave them. Yeah. We get political. You're different beliefs. And we, no, no, no, no.

You, you're going to have different beliefs. We're all going to agree on this. Once it gets really rolling, you're going to agree with me here. Bad guy. Bad, bad guy. And his buddies. There's a whole bunch of them. Stay out of Pearl Harbor.

Do not go to Hawaii Very bad That's all I got I have I would be useful For about three Historically Hugely important dates

And that's about it And even that December 7th Got it Nailed it December 7th Okay And then 42

I feel like that's when It was wrapping up No No I think it was Wrapping up like 48 49 That sounds like Logan's like nope

I'm gonna fucking google this shit up I feel like we got in at like 42 42ish but that was like we were late to the game Europe was getting fucked up This is history and science hour with KFC Radio We got Bill Burr coming up. Yeah, Bill Burr on the program.

Shit, we got to stop babbling. Bill Burr is on the fucking program. Bill Burr is brought to you by Omego. I can't believe they're back. After last time we talked about how you got to clean that butt. That's how you know they're down. I did an ad read for these guys not too long ago. I said, get yourself this at-home bidet because it's 2018 and everybody's eating butt. So you got to make sure yours is clean for that big special date with any of that special guy or girl who's going to be coming over.

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You're now doing Rough and Rowdy with us. You've been around the parts a lot. So you're ingrained in the Barstool culture for better or worse, man. I don't know. You've got your stink all over me. I was actually, I was out in, I was just talking to Danny. I was at that Michigan-Wisconsin game. Oh, yeah.

And somebody told me, texted me, said, hey, the Barstool guys are here. So we both made this really pathetic, drunken, trying to find each other. Just like, we started texting, and I was just like, dude. Fuck this, right? Well, my buddy, he snuck a fifth of Crown Royal in his hood.

Like, he just had it. Everybody was putting on their junk, those little hotel ones. And I'm just like, hey, man, I'm bringing you one. I was like, dude, it's been on your ball bag. I don't want to bring that up to my mouth. But the Michigan fans were so cool because they pulled it out. It was so gigantic.

It was like a trophy. And they just started laughing. And, you know, hey, man, as long as I get a sip, we won't say nothing. They're just joking. So we were definitely, the weather was not a factor. We were definitely toasty warm. I mean, trying to link up with someone in those settings, you're sober is one thing.

He was one section over. He's like, I'm standing up waving. And we were so drunk, I thought I was going to, he was like 150,000 people. Oh, there he is. Big cat. Big cat, you know? So that's probably the most fun. big cat, big cat, you know? So, uh, we,

that's probably the most fun. Like every year I got like, um, uh, Paul Verzi, Joe Bartnick. And every year we, uh, we link up with two of our other buddies and we go to one big college game a

year. It's a great routine. Great, uh, uh, tradition. What's the best one you've had? Uh,

well, this one was the most fun that we had because we did a gig in Saginaw and then Bartnick's driving and he's like farsighted where we were joking that he could see the big house from Saginaw but not the fucking truck right in front of us. So it started raining out and Verzi's like really nervous going, Joe, is everything all right up there? And he got so mad at me that I just resigned like,

I'm either going to live or die. It's not going to be, you know, a major injury. Like we're going to die. There's going to live or die. It's not going to be a major injury. We're going to die. There's going to be death. As long as there's no pain, you're good to go. But Verzi was legit upset with me. Because, dude, you just fucking sit and say, what am I, fucking Jack Ryan? I'm going to reach over and start staring.

It's like, we're going to be fine. Your life's in Bartnick's hands at that point. Bartnick's one of these guys, his eyes are so bad. He drives like, I mean, I'm making the face on radio here, but he's just like squinting. But we ended up. Honestly, that's what those trips are about, I feel like. Those kind of moments.

Yeah, and then somehow we started singing this Springsteen song, just making fun of how he couldn't fucking see. What is it? My hometown. We just started singing, you know. I can't remember what it was. Joe Bartnick. What the fuck?

Is it near or far? He can't see shit. He's Joe Bartnick. Just driving. Changing lanes in the rain. Joe Bartnick. And we just started fucking laughing. It's a great guy thing And we just started fucking laughing. It's a great guy thing.

He just starts fucking laughing. I've always found the drive to and from the bachelor party or the weekend or whatever has more laughs than the weekend itself. Oh, dude. We had some great ones. We were at Tailgate playing that cornhole game. And some fucking kid came walking by,

like just hammered. He looked like the dude from Radiohead, right? Like the one eye is a little more squinty than the other and he just walked up he's trying to take one of the the bags out of hand like in a real asshole way so without thinking that i'm a 50 year old man with a blown out rotator cuff you know i was just i'm with fuck is your problem so he starts staring me down i staring at him and he's backing up, walking away, but staring me down. I'm like, is this guy like backing up to then charge me? Like, what is going to happen? Why did I say that?

Because you have any idea who you are? No. And, you know, it's funny. I don't have any idea who I am because that never dawned on me. Like, is that the guy from Comedy Central? Like, I never even thought. I was just a guy in a parking lot. So he's backing up and, dude, he ended up walking into this empty folding chair.

And it took like eight seconds for this guy to fall. Timber. So all the tailgates, all were watching. Everybody just going like, oh! And he fell down. Didn't spill his drink. Then he got up and he grabbed the chair. I'm like, is he going to fucking throw this thing?

Because he never stopped staring at me. It was like this performance piece. And then he just set it down and did this real dramatic like like wave like it was the end of it and he got like an applause break and i was just like what the what the fuck was that 10 minutes later he came walking by again didn't even recognize us that's like how fucking hammer was walked through the game again he's like oh there he is there's the guy who fell for 10 minutes that's one of those things when I go back to colleges now I realize that like

you were that guy not that guy but I just realized like we were really drunk children you don't realize how young you were when you were in college

and you go back you're like that kid is 14 years old and he's tripping over Maude Berger oh yeah the good old days people had like

obnoxiously loud sound systems, too, and they were playing, like, that new music, whatever the fuck that is. And I was just like, I just kept trying to think, like, if I, you know,

back in the day was playing Rat and Poison and all the shit I was listening to, I imagine the older people. So I was just trying not to be that old guy.

Yeah, it's just music. It's a weird moment when you realize you are that guy, right? I'm proud to be that guy. I'm just going to age appropriately and just hate all things that came after me, and that's that. Now, I don't want to be the guy taking away young kids' fun, so I just sit there like, Bill, you're an old man.

Just sit here, you know, drinking your fucking rolling rock or whatever you're doing. Drinking your fifth crown that you rolled. The rolling rock is such an old man beer. It is. My dad loves it. My dad smashes your fifth. The rolling crown that you roll. That's an old man beer, too. My dad loves it. My dad smashes rolling rocks. The green bottle. Yeah. So, thanks.

I'm so old, that's a new beer to me. When all those, like... When I first dropped. Well, when I was growing up, there was, like, it seemed like there was only, like, Budweiser. There was Miller. Miller High Life. See, I'm already running out. That's about it

there was Coors Coors Original Lowenbrow Michelob I mean there wasn't a lot so Rolling Rock comes out and it's like oh shit that was like

but then it was like Rolling Rock Pete's Wicked Ale and all this stuff all came out and everybody was like switching up their shit but I always end up

going back to I'm either Miller High Life or Budweiser depending on my my mood or whatever. But I can't get into it. What about these like craft beers and IPAs and all that shit? I think if you're with your wife or your girlfriend and you just want to have one beer, I think those are great. But they're just so filling.

Yeah. And it's just like if I want to get hammered. Well, I remember we used to, when I had season tickets to the Patriots way back in the day when they played in that high school football stadium, like what we would do, we would get Bush Light. Do you start the tailgate with? Because you were so hungover from the night before. Bush Light, when you get a couple of those in, you're like,

all right, here we go. Kind of hydrates you a little bit. I used to joke Coors Light was vitamin water for alcoholics. That's true. Yeah, it would get you like back in the game to start drinking. And we'd always have like a quarter keg of beer. And we'd bring food and like, you know, never would have utensils. This sounds like jokes, but dude, I remember one time like flipping burgers with the screwdriver

that my buddy used to stick it into his carburetor because he had to have the butterfly open to get enough air in to start the fucking thing. And we were joking that it wasn't even like a regular screwdriver where you could get like a spatula kind of thing with it. It was like a Phillips head. And we would just stand. Whatever. Fire going out, spraying lighter food over the patties,

eating the patties, tasting lighter fluid, and just the fucking hangover the next day was just, but that was back. It's not even a hangover. You got poisoned. Yeah. But that was back. Like, one of the things I do miss, what has really ruined all the comedy at a sporting

event is the TVs and what they have going on. The second the play stops, it's just people just like sitting there with their mouths hanging open. I went to that new Atlanta Falcons. I mean, it's fucking unbelievable. You feel like you're in this spaceship. But like back in the day when they would go to commercial break, there was nothing going on. So all the class clowns, I remember like trying to make my section laugh

and feeling like I had a good set, like I had a good game. You know, you'd build in confidence and yelling stuff out. And there used to be so many characters, and it's just all gone. I think in a way it is part of its technology, but I also think it's like a form of crowd control because if they're not talking to each other, they can't get into fights. And if you just sit there with their mouths hanging open. Watching the Jumbotron or some little game up on the board or whatever, right?

So it's that, or they're promoting the war. It's sort of like a football game slash war rally. You know, bring out a couple of troops, you know, tell their stories, and then the bombers are flying over. By then you're all amped up, like, fuck the shit out of them! There's a phone coming out of your mouth.

It's like, I kind of came here to get away. I went to, like, this Falcons game, and the amount of tragic shit that they showed. They showed this guy who served over in Afghanistan, and he got killed. And then they cut to his widow with his now two fatherless kids wearing Atlanta Falcons jerseys, waving. It was fucking heartbreaking. And then I'm thinking, I'm on the road. I should be home with my kid.

And they're like, and the Falcons win the toss. It's like, now I'm going to enjoy this fucking game. After what I just saw there, it was just like. We went to the All-Star game. We were down in Sirius. We were in D.C. And they had the MLB All-Star game. It was an hour straight of that where they had.

Just pageantry. It was crazy. They had the Bombers come over, like you said. They had like a ton of, I think every living Medal of Honor recipient was out there and they all came out individually. It was a long, long time. Like you said too, it's like, and now play

ball! Right, now just drink your beer and stop worrying about the world. Missing limbs and shit. This is really awful now. And on the way in, you pass all the veterans they don't take care of. You know what I mean? Because those are the ones they parade out. Shine them up. There he is, everybody.

Get the pretty ones. Put them out there. Thank you for your service. Get the fuck out of here if you don't have a ticket. You know, like the whole thing just comes off as like, it's like a money-making thing. It doesn't come off like the... No, it's not genuine. It isn't. It isn't. Well, I heard the armed services, if they show somebody in the crowd, they had to pay like it was a commercial. Right. It isn't. I heard the armed services, if they show somebody in the crowd,

they had to pay like it was a commercial. Right. Depending on what uniform they were wearing. It's filthy. Jesus Christ. It's filthy. The game is dirty, man. Yeah. It's supposed to be the escape.

Big week for Boston sports. You must be riding high. It's been a pretty solid one. The Sox bounce back. The Patriots do what the Patriots do. I feel like I didn't even get a chance to enjoy the fact that we beat the Yankees again. You're in the right place. Let's enjoy it now because we've been

soaking it in over here, man. It was Red Sox. Obviously, half the office is Boston. Half is New York. The Yankee fans were just so pathetic. They started eating themselves from within. They don't know what to do because they're not the big, bad Yankees anymore. They don't have the mystique. They talked all that shit and Boston just shoved it down their

throats. It was the best, Bill. Well, they want to be the bully again. They can't be, though. They're not. But what's great is even if they beat us, it's like, what, are you going to chant 2013 at me? Right. It's over. Yeah. They can't, like, I got this friend, not real, I mean, coworker, I would say, because I didn't hear from this guy since Game 3 of 2004. The next time I heard him was that Bobby Valentine year where we shit the bed in September, and he calls up out of nowhere. Yeah, it's funny how that works, huh?

I was like— Yeah. I was like, are you serious, dude? Do you realize how fucking pathetic this is? I haven't heard from you in almost fucking nine years. And then the very next year, we win it again. Nothing. Nothing.

Silence. So I was sitting there like I didn't have a good feeling about going into that series because Price hadn't won a game yet. And I was thinking all these guys got to do is if they beat Sale, we're fucked. And, of course, that didn't happen. And I remember thinking like, you know what? I bet I'm going to get a phone call from this guy. And, dude, I got to be honest with you.

That ninth inning. That ninth inning. I called Kimbrel every curse word. Yeah. I was walking, like, I kept going out into the kitchen in between every pitch. And I would poke my head in. Another fucking ball. This guy can't do a fucking crook.

And my daughter's sleeping. And my would poke my head into another fucking ball. This guy can't do a fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, and my daughter's sleeping and my wife is not into sports. That's the worst. Just going like, just relax. Yeah. No, it's like, okay,

relax, relax, right? Oh yeah. And then we won. And I did like, you know, you know,

the stoop. I wish you videotaped that my fucking victory dance, which was full of like joy, anger and relief. That's what Kimbrel, I mean, that inning. I cannot believe he got out of that. It was a dude just throw a fucking fastball. Just throw it down the middle. I don't know. Let him figure it out. I was so psyched

that he closed out that game. Game two of the Astros was a walk in the park. Yeah, I mean, I guess that's why that's what you gotta be as a reliever. You just forget about it and move on to the next. But after that Yankee game, I know they just closed out and everything, but he's smiling and laughing.

I'm like, fuck you, Kimbrough. You almost killed me, man. But, yeah, the Yankee fans, they don't know what to do anymore. My buddy, he's got a great sports argument where he says that Mariano Rivera is not the greatest Yankee of all time, but he argues that he's the most valuable. And after watching and going through that, I remember just thinking, like, I can't imagine what a joy it must have been for Yankee fans. Yeah, that guy came in and that game was fucking over. Unless they were playing the Red Sox.

Well, yeah, I mean, no, one time. One time. The Red Sox hit him far and away the best out of any team. I know, but it was pathetic. No, there's no knock on that guy. I mean, you could have, the game was eight innings max, and then when they had

Wetland at first, they had Mendoza. I mean, at one point, the game was like six innings long for them. It was like the final three innings are over. I'm a Mets fan, so I never had a bullpen. It's the worst thing in the world. Rooting for a baseball team without a bullpen is like, it doesn't matter what you do because you're going to blow it on the back end. You're like Quint when he's sliding into the Jaws' fucking mouth. Like, that's the first three wins.

But you just know. It's just like, because I thought that that's what the Yankees were going to do with Sale, where it was just going to be like, all they had, let's just survive and get into our bullpen. But, you know, so far it's been going all right. But I love the Astros and their whole attitude. Like when we played them in the beginning of September and they won the first two games, and then game three came along, and I think they were winning.

And then we would look like we had the game won, and then they started coming back. And I remember when they panned down their dugout, they were all up on the top step, like, let's fucking sweep their asses. And they were the defending champs. And I feel like they feel like all they talked was Red Sox-Yankees. They feel disrespected. Oh, they're so disrespected.

Bregman's been running his mouth the whole time. I kind of like it. But when he was like, I'm getting a sunburn out there, and I don't like it anymore. Put us on primetime. He's like, you know, like Muhammad Ali didn't fight during the day. You don't put the cowboy, whatever. They feel they got a chip on their shoulder.

And when they're defending champs, and you got a chip on your shoulder? Oh, yeah. Bregman put up an Instagram post of, I think it was him, Springer, and Altuve going deep off Ivaldi. Yeah, back-to-back-to-back. That was just like his Instagram story. Granted, Ivaldi was on the raise at the time, but it's the same picture. Watching some game tape, back-to-back-to-back home runs.

So there's some juice there, too. I like that. My dad was talking about that the other day with Aaron Judge, and he was like, I don't understand how no one stopped Judge from doing that song. Playing New York, New York in the concourse, yeah. But that's funny. It's either – it thinks you're going to go one of two ways. Exactly. If you win, though, that's like the heroic moment where you decided, look, we're going to step up to you.

We're not going to – we're going to fuck around with you. And also the right side – What did he do? He played it in Fenway? He played New York, New York outside. He had his luggage. He was walking back to the plane, and He played New York, New York outside. He had his luggage. He's walking back to the plane and he played New York, New York, like in the, in the concourse at Fenway.

I think that's the dumbest thing you could ever, like, like Bill Belichick. Everybody thinks he's this boring guy. Like that's part of his game plan is I am not giving you anything on your bulletin board, nothing to wake you up from the dead. And I think I hate when they do that. I don't like when we do it. I don't like when we do it. See, but we're doing it

right now. That's how I should explain that. The do damage stuff, that was, that's Brian Cashman's quote. The Red Sox entire tagline this postseason is making fun of the Yankees. So if we lost that series, we look like the assholes. It's a little more subtle than walking around

playing your anthem at the fucking opposing club. I hate all of that shit. Shut the fuck up. Just go in there, win the game, and just say, hey, man, those guys are great. Nothing but respect for them. And then, you know, you want to leave. That's the Belichick in you, though. I mean, you're right.

You come as a Patriots fan. You get in the car and just be like, that guy was such a fucking dick. I'm so glad I'm not guarding on him. You know, I don't know. Yeah, I'm always like, just shut up. Yeah, I'll tell you what. Just shut up.

People pounding their chests in the second quarter, all of that shit. Who was it, the, some kicker missed the game-winning kick, the Bears kicker,

I think. He points to the sky, points to God. You just missed the game-winning kick. The fuck is that? No, he did that after, and he missed. He wasn't doing it as the ball was going in, and he thought it? No, he did that after. Yeah, and he missed.

He wasn't doing it as the ball was going in, and he thought it was going to go through the upright. He completely missed it. Didn't win the game. They end up losing. I think the Dolphins go kick the winning field goal. He's probably thanking God. Thanks for a great career.

Just glad I made it to the show. I guess this is old. It's kind of fan respect. Yeah, you're right. Maybe it's how you keep your job. The owner's looking down he still appears like he hasn't lost his confidence

he just blew the game and he's out there fucking blowing kisses like he just won the fucking Westminster fucking dog show I'll tell you as a Jets fan

what put the fucking fear of God in me was Gronk and Brady after that game we're gonna play forever I was like fuck you are

buddy that t-shirt is in the process of getting made, obviously. I'm sure it is. I ask you, it's always fascinated me about New York sports fans. When you have the option of the Giants and Yankees. You don't, though. You're born into it. Why do you pick Jets and Mets? You're born into it, man.

It's just like you don't choose that life. That life chooses you. My mom kind of put the Mets on me. And then, what I don't understand. That's such a funny way of saying that. She did. Kevin has two kids right now. And I'm, like, heavily debating what I do.

Like, I really, like, being a Mets and Jets fan fucking sucks. You can't. No, no, you can't switch. Well, but, no, I'm not. What if I did this? What if I told my kids, you can root for anybody, just not the Yankees and not the Patriots. You could be a free agent. If you want to pick the Mets and the Jets and ride with me, go ahead.

You're fucking crazy. But just don't pick my rivals and go have a fun life as a sports fan. You don't think that's me being a good father? It's a little overbearing. I think I'm giving them the choice. I think it's not overbearing. You're saying just don't do this, don't do that. You don't do that with a kid.

Then they're going to pick it, right? What I'm going to do with my kid is I have the sports packages, and I'm just going to watch the Boston teams. Just until it's ingrained in them. Yeah, and then she'll just be into it. But you should because Boston's been great, like me. I'm cursing my kids with this horrible life. But my dad could have done that to me.

Because they were bad when you were born. But my dad could have done that to me. Because they were bad when you were born. When I was born, Boston sports were bad. And he was like, no, you're still. I actually had, I was a big Marc Messier fan. So I was like the 96th cup. I love Pavel Bure. 94, 94. God, Lord.

I was six. The 94 cup was Bure and Messier. And that was a huge game of my two favorite players. It's one of the great Stanley Cup finals of all time. Rangers won. I went nuts. I was jumping up on a table. I was going crazy.

Woke up the next morning. My dad had taken all my Rangers stuff out of my room, and he was like, you're a Bruins fan now. You got your one cup. I'm not seeing you celebrate another cup that I didn't win. You're a Bruins fan now. And I was like, okay, fine. Whatever. It's good parenting.

Talk about overbearing. Tough love. Ripping your posters off low point in bruins um was when ray bork we had to parade he had to get traded to go win a cup which was all fine and good but he didn't i don't think he was trying to be a good guy but he brought the cup back to boston like almost like hey this is what it looks like, just in case you forgot. Because we hadn't won it since 72 at that point, and that was the early 2000s.

But, you know, I like what we're doing up there. You know, we got a good team, and Celtics, obviously, are amazing. I mean, what's not to like? You guys are fucking every sport you're cruising. Every sport has a legitimate title contest. Yeah. I mean, I can't even imagine that. I can't imagine one, let alone all four.

Well, I don't know about, like, what did you guys think about that KC? Everybody seemed to love that KC Patriots game. I fucking hate football like that. It was like watching two people. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that number 10 guy, what the hell is his name on the Chiefs? Tyrico, was it?

Okay. Super fast guy? He's killing you the whole fucking game. You got like a minute left. The guy fucking runs out, goes over the middle. Nobody touches him. He goes on. Look, I understand that guy beating you. He's fucking great. He's fast. But like to just let the guy

just go for a walk in the park. It did seem a little on Belichick, Ian, to be involved in a shootout like that. But I guess he always kind of plays to whatever he's playing to the offense. If you know they have a terrible defense, probably take a shootout. I think that was us. Right. I know.

I think that was us actually trying. I think that's where we're at. I think when we were up like 24-3 was what he wanted. I don't think he wants to be, oh, yeah, okay, we're up 40, we'll just score 43. No, I don't think anybody goes into that. But everybody's freaking out. You got that Tom Brady safety net, though.

I think I saw you tweet, I'm going to have to fucking beat this defense again. Tom Brady pillow talk with Gisele after that game was, how many fucking times do I got to win a game with this fucking defense? Because the amount of times that he's done that. He did it twice against the Giants, and then our defense went out and fucking blew it. And you know he's got to sit there, well, you know, it's tough, blah, blah, blah. But you know when he gets home, I mean, Giselle, how many fucking times?

How many times with no fucking time? How little amount of time has to be on the fucking clock after I score a fucking touchdown that I can actually just fucking sit down and enjoy a fucking goddamn Super Bowl? Every fucking time, helmet catch. Fucking double coverage. Zero seconds. Tom, you're scaring the children. I don't give a fuck.

He has to have, he's got to have moments like that. There was – in the Seahawks Super Bowl was one where it was very clear. When it was – Oh, my God. Karras had that catch, bounced off a leg, blah, blah, blah. And you just saw him on the bench like, oh, my fucking God. What else can I fucking do? What else can I do here?

Oh, yeah. And it almost happened again in Atlanta. What's his face? I don't know anybody's names anymore. Julio Jones? Julio Jones. When he called that ball, I was like, all right, game over. We're good.

That's it. Here we go. It's going again. They can't just fucking catch a regular pass. It has to be like, oh, and his toenail and his Achilles. I don't know how he did it. That's a catch. That's a catch.

Jesus, here we go. Yeah, but that whole thing also was like the guy was sacking Tom Brady and then he has to let go. I mean, what are we doing? He had to let go there. Brady had a great goal on that though. What do you say? He basically did like the Zuckerberg.

If you invented Facebook, you would have invented Facebook. Because he said, like, I had to let him go or whatever. And Brady said, if you were supposed to tackle me, you should have tackled me. Tackled me. Yeah, I mean, he's not wrong. But, you know, these guys are in an impossible spot. No. Can't touch him up high.

I don't know. Can't touch him up low. Yeah. And that's all, like, because those are the guys that, like, are the money makers. That's why when Mahomes was on Monday Night Football first, I've never heard a player get sold. Showtime, showtime, Mahomes, showtime, showtime. Showtime, Mahomes. And when he, like, switched the ball to the left hand

and threw, like, a four-yard pass, which I saw Brett Favre do, like, that guy, I hope you realize what you just saw. And it's just, I've seen Eli do that. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's a heads-up play, but you're right. He, like, just dropped it. If he threw it, like, 25 yards, it's fine. And he's the real deal. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's a heads up play, but you're right. He like just dropped it. If you threw it like 25 yards, fine.

And he's the real deal. And he's going to be a superstar. I don't need it spoon fed to me. Like they want to hype these stars, sell their jerseys. Yeah. I mean, but you know what? Honey, come in here. I don't believe what I just saw.

Evidently. Remember when Kaepernick first came on the league? Yeah, same thing with him. Kaepernick, Jaws on ESPN had a whole thing about how Colin Kaepernick is going to be the greatest quarterback who ever played football. Ever. I mean, yeah, and it's wrong, Jaws. Incorrect. That's, I mean, when the book's out on you, that's why, like, in the beginning of that game, it looked like, you know, maybe Bill Belichick figured things out.

Maybe Mahomes is, you know, and he obviously bounces back. But, yeah, it can go away like that in the NFL. uh you're yeah but his shit went away because of the national anthem and the fact right now the amount of teams that need a fucking quarterback and i'm not going to pick that guy up because god forbid one nickel rolls out the door like one racist guy is not going to buy his jersey they're just like well racists buy jerseys tooys too, so let's make this about the troops. Watching that whole, you knew it was going to go, I've been joking about that in my act, that you knew the second he was, this is about police brutality

and blah, blah, blah, blah, and he's immediately like, my brother's fighting over in Iraq! It's like, nobody's saying your brother isn't in Iraq, you know? On 9-11, my brother was a firefighter, he sat at home and watched it! Nobody's saying your brother, this is about police brutality, and it just, everybody, like, that's one of the funny things that I've been was a firefighter. He sat at home and watched it. Nobody's saying you're brother. This is about police brutality. And it just,

just everybody, like, that's one of the funny, funnier things that I've been, like, having a good time

on stage joking about is how everybody makes everything about themselves. Like when that, that judge, the Supreme Court judge, which I didn't watch

any of that shit, was just like, I'm not going to fucking sit at home and give myself jury duty. I'm going to sit here and watch, like, me watching this and getting all like worked up is not going to change the outcome and just uh but my my guilty pleasure was going on twitter and like there's a

couple of like super feminists that i follow but i don't literally follow them because i know that i think they're gonna figure out that i'm doing it as a joke. Yeah. And just watching the fucking insanity of their brains just melt down. Well, no, but like the level of like, like ridiculous. But if I said that about them, that would be so like, you know, like I know guys like this and it's just like, what the fuck is that? What do you, what do you mean? You know, you don't even know this guy and you're looking at his face and they then they're the first time you even heard this guy's name in your whole fucking life yeah and this guy he's never been told no doors and they're making fun

of the way the guy was real and like i didn't believe the guy by the way i didn't i believed her but like it's possible to have those two thoughts you know i mean like you're right he's probably lying but also you're being an asshole over here but his like emotions in that that people were making fun of, it's just like, that guy looks like me when my roof collapsed and my insurance company said I wasn't covered. I went through those. So here's a guy like three feet from the brass ring

and all of a sudden he's getting his shorts yanked down. And what are you talking about? I didn't want to have the job. This is what I wanted. I mean, I thought that was kind of normal. And it's not like he was like educated on how to perform in fucking public. But I just was just so fascinated

reading how much stuff was just based on the fact of that he was a white guy of a particular thing and they just filled it all in. Oh yeah, paint the picture. Filled it all in. Every stereotypical box. Born on a yacht, fucking loafers with no socks, but they had this guy all fucking figured out.

It's like, how do you not see the irony of that? This is literally what you're fighting. You should try to get to know this guy. Your profile, I mean, just the same way you would complain about if it happened to you. Yes, having said that, like, you know, I didn't believe him. But on the other side. Hey, maybe they were right. I mean, but you got to have more.

That's the problem is, I mean, with the immediacy of social media or your blog, your podcast or whatever, you just take your opinion, run with it before you know anything about any topic. Yeah. And then everybody listens to you for some reason. Yeah. I don't know why that opinion matters, but apparently we're going to listen to them. Yeah. And you got to have like respect for like both sides. And I really feel there's way more people are like that.

I really feel like 85% of people are watching 15% of people losing their minds. Oh yeah. Might even be hired to be honest. Like there's so much like afterwards, like people just watch stuff and then like you're kind of in a bar talking about, dude, that was crazy. I mean, they just like, I mean, there was like no evidence. And then they come, hey, just start fucking clapping like what you're supposed to clap about. So you don't go down next.

It's true. It's really like, it's true. I mean, I think that's what we try to do here is like we're trying to cater that 85 percent, like write a blog or do a podcast. Be like, this is fucking crazy. Rather than take a side or get too political with it. Oh, well, that guy. Oh, I was talking about earlier when that guy tried to do the takedown piece. The Daily Beast. Yeah,

and the way he was writing about your female CEO was astoundingly sexist. More disparaging than anything we do. I mean, yeah, and it was just like, that's that fucking weird, I'm left, but these fucking people, they go

so left that they become right. Yeah. Or it's the stereotypical right where it's just censoring and it's fucking lying. It's really a – it's fucking weird. It's wild how much Erica has to deal with that. But the thing is – Erica gets that all the time. She's poking higher, poking higher. Which has got to be the most disrespectful thing in the fucking world.

It's like I earned this shit. It is weird though. It's like I just – because I cannot put myself in those shoes. I could never imagine being like that. Being like what? Like, the way those people get consumed and go crazy on Twitter and care so much or fake care about it. You do it with sports. I have my outlet, yeah.

Yeah, so you do it with that. Because I'm not saying that I'm better than these people. I think it's just that I try to be aware. I wish more people would try to be a little more aware of stuff like that. But I mean, it's great for material, though. I was going to say, so you get into all this on stage? You don't try to stay away from politics or scare one side or the other. You're just like, fuck it. Whatever you want to do, you do. I joke on stage.

I always make fun of feminists. It's just too easy. You don't even need bait. They just jump on the hook and they just fucking go, they just, you can just say the most absurd shit and they take it so fucking, it's like, I'm not running for office.

I'm not, like, introducing legislation. That's such a good point. Like, have you, think about everything that I said up until this point. Like, there's so much absurd shit in my head. This guy, he's gonna blow up cruise ships. Like, one of the things I was talking about was that Stephen Hawkins guy so I always

every night I go who's that guy really smart guy just died he was always sitting down so I just do that just

I act like I didn't understand that he had some sort of disease lazy guy yeah lazy guy always sitting down

and the amount of fucking people that like you know oh they think like it's just like why would you that is the dumbest fucking it's so fucking people that like, you know, oh, like they think like, it's just like, why would you think that is the dumbest fucking, it's so fucking, it's like, it's like, can it be absurd enough? Right.

How absurd does it have to fucking be before you still realize that it's a joke? And no, I don't, I don't know. I don't know why. Yeah. There's just a lot of, I believe, because people are like, I think this is just how it's going to be from now on. This is not how it's going to be from now on, because everyone is going to get sick of walking around on fucking eggshells.

They have to, right? The pendulum has to swing back eventually. Yeah. There's like comics tweeting about what jokes comics should and shouldn't be doing. It's just like, this doesn't seem a little cannibalistic. Right. Yeah, but who the fuck are you to tell anybody? That's something I would never do.

Hey, you're a comedian. Listen, I've been doing this longer than you. Let me tell you. I know what jokes are funny and what's not. Let me see your set list and I'll ink out the ones you shouldn't be talking about. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. So you're at the Garden, which is, I mean, it's a lot of fucking people, Bill. Yes, it is.

That's why I'm here, son. I like talking sports. I also like sleeping. But I got to sell some tickets here, man. Yeah, I mean, I honestly don't think you'll have much trouble doing that. But we're giving out 100 people. First 100 people are going to get $10 off when you use the promo code BILLYBARSTOOL when you go to Ticketmaster.com.

So just search Bill Burr at MSG November 7th. BILLYBARSTOOL is the code. Get $10 off. How many times have you done a big arena? Is this, I mean, do you get nervous? Boston Garden, I did the forum on this tour, and then I'm doing this one. Is there any nerves at this point? Or is it just like, doesn't matter, big, small, whatever?

You know what I do is I go in there during the day with my friends, and I play drums, and we just jam in the empty arena. Just rock out like fucking old dads and just make a lot of noise in there, and then it kind of gets to be like a clubhouse kind of feeling. And this time around, I'm doing them in the round and uh i remember i opened for dane one time doing that and i was like all right dane what's the deal with this and he had this brilliant analogy he goes it's just four theaters just stuck together that's how you that's how you do it so um yeah no you know it's funny that boston i was that one weirded me out a little bit just because I'd started at Nick's comedy stuff.

So I'm, I'm like, I could walk to where I started. Full circle type shit. Yeah. And I'm one of these, uh, people where I ignore, like I ignore most of what comes with my job at this level, which is why I'm getting to stare down matches with somebody to fucking tailgate. Like that never fucking dawned on me that he would look at me and be like, oh, that guy's I know that comedian that never enters. And I think that helps me. Hell, yeah. I mean, that's how you stay genuine.

That's how you stay like authentic. I feel like if you start buying into your own shit, it's, you know. Oh, no, it's all. Yeah, it's all. Well, the thing that always keeps me humble is like people. Even when they give the compliments, I do. I you you are the funniest comedian out there right now they always say right now so you just hear it tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick right so anyway so i'm standing there and it was like like over 17 000 people and i'm sitting there doing like you know doing the whole usual do i did why me do i deserve this fucking thing and and and remember to enjoy it and this is going to go by so quick. It's a whole big fucking buildup, and then it's over in 90 minutes.

It's just fucking over. So I'm going through all this shit, and then my cell phone rings, and I see it's my wife. And I'm like, ah, this is why I married her. She's going to call, Bill, I love you. You deserve this. Just go out and have a good time.

I'm so proud of you, right? And I pick it up, and she was crying hysterically. And my heart went down to my stomach. She was like, oh, my God. And I was like, I'm like, well, I thought, did you drop the kid? Did somebody break into the house and all this stuff? I go, what's wrong? What's wrong?

What's wrong? She's like, nothing. She goes, I just saw a star is born. And she goes, it was so good. And I was just like, I'm a little busy, babe. A little busy. And I was just like, Nia, I'm like, I got a show to, babe. A little busy. And I was just like, Nia, I got a show to do. And then she started.

It was so cute. She was crying still but laughing. She's like, oh, my God, are you about ready to go out to the garden? And then she just started laughing, which made me laugh. And I went out and I opened with it and it killed. And I was able to. That takes some balls to go right out after not after, like, not working that at all. The key is not to think about it.

Well, the thing about it is, you know, all that is is like, do you remember when you were, or even now, if something funny just happened to you, you would come in here and you would just tell people. And you wouldn't have to work it out or memorize it and all that. I mean, that's what you did in high school. You'd fucking tell stories and you were comfortable with the people you were around. So you'd act it out. You do the voices and all that. I mean, that's what you did in, in, uh, in high school, you'd fucking tell stories and you were comfortable with the people you were around. So you'd act it out. You do the voices and all that. So all standup comedy is, is getting to that level of comfort and just acting like all these people are your friends that you always see. And then you can, you can, then you can do that. But if you go up there and you start thinking like, Oh my God, like, what if this doesn't work? And, uh, what if the cord comes out of the

microphone? That was basically the first eight years of my career. Before I used to go on stage, my ritual was I would untie and retie my shoes because I was so nervous that I was going to go up, trip on my sneakers, my whatever the fucking... I just said what they were.

Show laces. I got an old brain now. And I was going to face plant and everyone was going to laugh and I guess I was catastrophized. Now my career's going to be over. I'll be living in my parents' basement. And I fell. I'll never get married. So I had all of those

all of these rituals that I ended up having to get out of. See, that's our problem, I I think we don't have any friends. So imagine 17,000 friends is fucking impossible. You're my only friend, dude. But they're coming out to see you. Like, I, I think I was a better comedian as far as a tougher comedian when people didn't know who I was because you had to win them over.

So now when you get to where I'm at and now it's like, you have to lose them where it used to be you had to get them and i remember um yeah i mean we were like you know we would do all of those hell rooms and stuff like that and you just would you'd be sitting back it was just like the first like 12 years of your career it's just it's just one impossible situation after another. Like, I remember doing this one, Arapahoe Community College. I always tell this story. It was, and it was a nooner. So it was like one in the afternoon or something like that.

And the gig was, they had me standing in the hallway where like three hallways met. And they had set up these chairs. And the time of the show, people were still in class so there was only like five people there so i started the show and i got like 10 minutes into my show and like the bell rang or whatever class was over and all these kids just poured out into the hall walking by as i'm standing there with a fucking microphone next to a popcorn machine and uh i mean i those gigs i used to just say to myself in an hour i'm going to be back in the rental car this is going to be over how it goes good bad whatever i'm gonna be in my my

rented dodge neon from way back in the day and i'm just gonna fucking be driving oh my god the amount of times i drove away from those gigs and i would call my agent and give him a fucking ear i'm not fucking doing those. If there's not a fucking stage and a fucking microphone, I'm not fucking doing it. And if the sun's still out, I ain't fucking doing it. He'd be like, all right, all right. But he knew I was broke. So he would just, I always have to say yes.

Cause it was like an extra, like 700 bucks, you know, before taxes and all your flight was probably like 200. But you know, and then, uh, that, that, that was, that was one of my first asks in this business. It was like, I will work anywhere, but there has to be a stage. There has to be a microphone and a PA system. You have to ask and a cord plugged into it and chairs. I will do a show anywhere, but it has to have that. And, like, every time you did a college gig, there was always a fucking guy.

Oh, the guy who has the key to the closet. Like, behind that door was everything you needed. Like, your lightsaber, your microphone, your whole fucking thing. Yeah, we can't. We don't know where he is. There's a guy and a key and it just, ugh. It worked, dude, because you're selling out arenas now

one of my favorite ones I did another one and I was it was another nooner and this is like a packed cafeteria and they have no idea

that there's going to be a comedian and they always say your name first which is the worst intro you want to be like comedian

he's done this this this this please welcome Bill Burr and they would just be like comedian he's done this this this this please welcome bill burr and they would just be like okay got a comedian his name's bill burr he's been on comedy central and here he is and you walk out there's people just looking up and i remember i was going so hard so fucking hard because i was anticipating getting heckled. And it was like one of these nice states where people are pleasant and they were just like, who the fuck is this screaming orange haired psycho? And I was 15 minutes in and this person sort of sheepishly walked up and handed me a note and said, can you wrap it up in five?

And now I'm thinking like, well, I'm contractually obligated to do 60 minutes. Am I not going to get paid? And I wrapped it up and they gave me the check. I felt guilty. Like, yeah, I just don't think that this was the right. No, no, no. We're sorry. We're sorry.

And they were almost like Canadian. They were like apologizing. And I was walking out. And I remember just driving out in silence. Like, wow, was I being an asshole back there? Like, I thought I was, was it, was I being an asshole back there? Like I thought it was, I mean, yeah,

it's like they, they legitimately made me feel, I remember there was this guy, you walk by, you get a suit on and a cowboy hat. And I was like, it's fine. He looks like he's getting a fucking,

trying to get a loan for a horse or something like that. And they were just staring at me. It was just like, they were all like, well, we think he looks nice. Like that was their whole vibe. Yes, he looks nice. That was their whole vibe. Yes, he is.

That was mean. Yeah. I came out all defensive when what I needed to do is I needed to be open, which is hard for us East Coast guys. Oh, man. Where it's just like, oh, yeah, open up a little bit so you can fucking, yeah, get trampled. So, yeah.

Yeah. We'll just do small gigs on the East Coast. Big gigs in the middle of America. That ain't for us, man. No, great people, yeah. Yeah, we'll just do small gigs on the East Coast. Big gigs in the middle of America. That ain't for us, man. No, great people do. Yeah, no, but yes, that's the problem. They're great people. We're not.

We're assholes. Yeah, you really have to like, yeah, we're just wound up. I don't know what it is. I don't want to be this way. I just fucking am. I think social media is changing that. I think social media is going to help everyone else in the rest of the country get wowed up like us. Even the playing field.

Make them into assholes. See what it's like to have anxiety and stress all the fucking time? Welcome to my world. Great. Then people will be good at heckling all across the country rather than just here. All right. So go to Ticketmaster.com. Promo code Billy Barstool when you find Bill Burr at MSG on November 7th.

And the first 100 people are going to get $10 off. We appreciate it, man. Thank you so much. Yeah, no worries. Thank you for having me. All right, so we're switching it up for FanDuel.

It's the middle of football season, but right now, we got the Red Sox. We got playoff baseball. It's baseball season. It's Boston season, as much as I hate to admit it. Yeah, man.

They got a cool contest for Thursday's Game 5 with the Sox and Astros. That's if there's going to be one. No, Game 5. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're running a free contest for that game with $1,000 in cash prizes.

Straight up free. It is the Gold Bottles Package. So you build a lineup of the five best players for Game 5. You win the Gold Bottles Package for $250 in select bar stool merchandise. Plus, you get two tickets for Game 5 covered by FanDuel, plus travel, plus hotel. And if there is no Game 6, you'll receive the cash value of the trip package and ticket. You said you'll get two tickets to Game 5, and that's why I started making faces.

I was like, wait, I thought this was for Game 5. Right, okay. Because I also forgot it's a seven-game making faces. I was like, wait, I thought this was for game five. Right. Okay. Because I also forgot it's a seven games here. So I was like, wait a minute. All right. All right. So we're doing something cool for FanDuel. It's football season, but we're going to do a little baseball action right now.

As a Boston fan right now, I'm going to tell you it's baseball season. It's Boston season all around. Thursday's game five. They're running a free contest for that game with $1,000 in cash prizes. Here's how it works. You build a lineup of five players for game five. They're running a free contest for that game with a thousand dollars in cash prizes. Here's how it works. You build a lineup of five players for game five. If you win, you get the all red socks,

make them all red socks. That's a little, little tip to everybody. Make a, cause this is going to be game five. Game five. It was going to be an elimination game. And Chris,

I was going to be on the fucking mile. That's true. Would you put Alex Bregman in your lineup? Ooh, perhaps. game and Chris Hale is going to be on the fucking mound. That's true. Would you put Alex Bregman in your lineup? Perhaps. Four Red Sox and a Bregman. You get the gold bottles package, which is $250 in select Barstool merchandise. Plus, you get two tickets to

game six covered by FanDuel with travel and hotel. If there is no game six, you get the cash value of the trip package, plus the tickets, which is $2,500. So you either get to go to the game, the hotel, and the travel, or you get $2,500. Places 2 through 10 will get a Gold Bottles t-shirt. So go to fanduel.com slash goldbottles.

You build a lineup of five players. It's, you know, you get one infielder, one outfielder, two utility players, no pitchers, hitters only. And you can win that money, you can win that trip. Go to fanduel.com slash goldbottles, play for free for a chance to win tickets to game six. State and age restrictions apply for eligibility rules and terms and conditions. Go to fanduel.com.

The Mega Millions is up to, at this moment, 900 milli. Probably would be over a billion by Friday. Someone is just going to become, well, not after taxes and all that shit, but let's have fun with it. Someone's just going to become a billionaire. I think I've done this before where it got high, and I was like, you can't do this. You can't just make someone a billionaire. All the billionaires have to have earned it, or you have oil, or Facebook, or you're just like a super billionaire. All the billionaires have to have earned it or you have oil or Facebook or you're just like a super billionaire. I mean, I don't know.

So many billionaires just earned it by being born into it. Right, right. Fine. You're kind of born into it. Yeah, and those people fuck up the world and they suck. Very good point. So now we're just going to give it to some undoubtedly toothless meth head is going to fucking just be a

billionaire all the time. Is it true that it's a higher percentage of winning in lower income areas? Yes, you have to be toothless and addicted to meth to be valid for the lottery. I have a buddy who drives like an hour outside of Boston to go. I don't think that's how it works. Like a lower income town. I think it's that poor people just spend all their money on the lottery. I don't think it's actually like these tickets are special. It's just that the poor people are like think it's actually like these tickets are special it's just that the

poor people are like here's my whole paycheck uh if i won 900 million dollars i don't know what i do see i'm gonna be totally honest i say this all the time i think people don't really agree with me i i don't think my life would change that much i don't think yeah no i know i know i know what you mean like like i like i would undoubtedly i'd move into a nicer apartment yeah everything would just be like upgraded but i don't think you would do that much different but like i i think i think that's the only thing i'd do i think i would buy barstool just to fuck with dave like just give him a whole bunch of money just to fuck with him yeah yeah yeah yeah because listen you dude because he's gonna he's gonna get that money 50 million dollars he's gonna get that money anyway i would rather do it and like cancel pizza reviews and do it and

like do things that he doesn't like we disagree on yeah he's gonna get dave's rich i'm gonna get rich i would rather be like well you know i'm the captain now i would rather captain lawrence captain phillips that shit i don't even i don't even know if I'd buy a nicer TV. You're pretty set. It really, like, I'd probably go on vacation once a little more often. Like, I'd go, I don't know. I always want to see you. Would you quit?

No. I wouldn't quit. I think I'd quit. I'd either buy this place or I'd quit, but I would still keep doing this. I wouldn't quit. I'd be like, I'm working on my own time now. That's what I mean, yeah. But, I mean, I enjoy doing this. I enjoy working with you. I'd still like to be a part of it, but I'd be like, I'm working on my own time now. That's what I mean, yeah. But I enjoy doing this. I enjoy working with you.

I still like to be a part of it, but I'd be like, you know. But Kevin, at the same time, I do that already. Right, we're already kind of a separate entity. I do. I work on my own time as it is. Yeah. That's the only time I'd regret not being in the cube. I'd love to not quit my job.

I'd love to just walk in to my boring-ass job. Just be like, hi, guys. Coming on my own terms. I'm a billionaire. Shout out to the Cube. But you get fired pretty quickly. I could come in here every single day at 2 p.m. and leave at 3 o'clock. I wouldn't get fired.

I also would love to watch Dave. That's not because of the value I bring. That's because Dave just doesn't know how to fire people. Maybe I wouldn't buy Barstool, but I would watch Dave struggle with certain issues because we don't have enough money, and I just wouldn't give it to him. Be like, man, if we only had some source of capital investment, hmm. And I'd be like, yeah, I don't know. We got to keep looking.

You just sponsor KFC Radio with your own money to be like, we're the highest earning entity. My rates are through the roof. Yo, KFC Radio has sponsors paying a million dollars a spot. Ad reads are just us having to be nice to each other. Kevin, you are looking fancy today. Today's episode is brought to you by me. My wallet. Go broke just investing in my own shit.

No return on investment in my own fucking show. I'm still trying to think. I wouldn't buy a car. I don't know what I would do. What's that? Car service? I have one Uber.

You just keep paying for Uber. I mean, that's why whenever we answer these questions like, would you go in the future or go in the past and stuff, it's like, never take the past. Oh, you're going to be like a king in the 1700s? Like, I want Uber and air conditioner and TV and Seamless. Like, everything you want, you are living in the golden age of life where everything you want just gets, it appears.

Like, sometimes in like an hour if you go to Amazon. Like, the food, it just arrives. The TV, on demand. The car, we'll take hour if you go to Amazon. Like, the food, it just arrives. The TV, on demand. The car, we'll take you wherever you want to go. The air, you can change the temperature wherever you are at all times now. Clothes just get delivered to you. You listen to your entertainment whenever you want. What more do you want?

Yeah, I got it. I'm good. The only thing is like changing your scenery. So it's like, all right, I'm going to go to like the beach. Oh, I get plastic surgery probably. For sure. I would be a totally different person. I would be hot as shit. Yeah, I to like a plastic surgery probably i get for sure i would i would be a totally different person i'd be hot as shit yeah i get like a defron jaw yeah i get this little

this little stomach situation taken care of real quick no doubt um yeah so i'd get plastic surgery a lot i would get like a lot of plastic surgery i wouldn't get plastic surgery because you just that doesn't look so fake i'd get like liposuction no but you'd have like you'd have with the best surgeon so yeah but even like the bad like i don't know i've never seen someone who got plastic surgery where i'm like oh my god you can't know. I've never seen someone who got plastic surgery where I'm like, oh my God, you can't even tell. Yeah, if you do it subtly.

Yeah, liposuction, whatever. You'd get a nicer apartment, right? That was the first thing I said. I said I would get a nicer apartment and then after that, like, I'd be all good. How many billionaires do you think there are?

I don't like, because I don't want a lot of money. I just want, you know the amount of money I want to open, I want to like have is that when people see me checking my bank of america app on in line they're not like oh he's seeing if he has enough money for this 10 like they're like he's just checking out he's like he's just bored checking

his money that's all i want i don't want that's my bar is like i don't immediately have people say oh he's wondering if he has enough money to buy this that's a poor person in front of me I more sheepishly open my Bank of America app than I do Pornhub like I'll fucking let a Brazzers fly in the middle of the gym I don't give a fuck

I'm like 16 bucks I start doing like math in my head I get paid on Monday this week that's fucking bullshit. The worst. The Monday payday is such a kick in the dick. I'm like, okay, so on Friday, I'll go to sleep early. And then Saturday, I'll cancel my movie plans.

I'll get something on demand. Sunday, I'll starve. And Monday, we're good. Because the on demand, that's like a debt I'm incurring. I'll pay that in the future. I don't have to pay for the actual showing of A Star is Born. Sunday, we'll just do like, Lewis will probably order pizza, so I'll give that. I'll just bum a slice off of him.

Then it's payday. We're good to go. That was me on Friday, everybody. Just hypothetically off the top of my head, what would it be like? Yeah. I've always said I think the amount of money I would want is to have a second house, like a beach house. But now it's... As someone who had a beach house for the last 10 years,

I don't know what it's cracked up to be. Okay, well. But really more of a hassle to get to the fucking beach, Kevin. But see, that's where all of a sudden you take a helicopter to the beach or something like that. Okay. You know, things like that where, like, you're not even used to thinking that way, and all of a sudden life's really awesome. Yeah. I guess that's true.

But then, like, where the fuck's the helicopter land? What, am I going to rappel out of it? Come on, I saw Black Hawk down. I don't think so. You have a fucking helipad, bro. Now I just want to make enough money to get back the half that I'm paying away. Voicemails. Next topic.

Voicemails brought to you by 23andMe. So there's going to be someone who wins the lottery, and we're going to do some DNA testing on them. And we're going to find out that it is just some redneck American. Oh, I thought you were going to say we're going to find out that it is just some redneck American. Oh, I thought you were going to say we're going to find our cousin. Oh, yeah, let's do that. Okay, so that should be a thing.

Why should you use 23andMe? Because you might be related to the lottery winner. I'll tell you back my high five. I was the one who thought of the segue. I mean, it was still a segue. It was still, yeah. Yours is better.

Yours is better. That is like when you win the lottery and all of a sudden every ancestor comes out of the woodwork. Well, it's going to be me too. Yeah, bro. You're a great, great, great grandfather. Let me tell you. You met my great, great, great granny. So you got to give me at least like 100 grand.

23 and me. Hashtag me too. The DNA testing surface that can offer your insights into ancestry, health, wellness, and traits. All you got to do is spit into the tube. I mean, I want to talk about other segues. Spit into the tube, and your 23andMe kit, you mail back the saliva sample, and they send it to the lab to be analyzed. And you find out who you are, where you came from.

Isn't something going on with Elizabeth Warren and her ancestry? Oh, yeah. Something like that, right? She's about half as Native American as most white people are. Impressive stuff. So, listen, you know, people are trying to – you've got to prove who you are, trying to – you got to prove who you are, man. You got to prove who you are these days. You can't find out where you're going until you know where you came from.

All right, Logan. Go to 23andme.com slash KFC. That's the number, 23andme.com slash KFC. Get yourself the Health and Ancestry Service Kit and find out who you are and where you came from. What's up, KFC? It's BC. I was listening to Watchlist the other week, and I started watching Ozark because of it. I like the show so far, but it does have the problem that I have with a lot of TV shows where I'm like,

yo, if I was the main character of a TV show, I would probably just like kill myself. I know that's not like a very good answer, but like for the majority of TV shows, Breaking Bad, Ozark, like there are a lot of TV shows where shit just goes wrong. And I just say, I would probably just kill myself. So I guess my question kind of here is like, what is the most unrealistic TV show where the people just keep living and don't fucking kill themselves?

That's a good question for the right people. Feidelberg's going to be like, modern family, I'd fucking kill myself. Imagine that, go home to that family every day. No way. I'd love to be in modern family. What show would you kill yourself? Well, I guess his question is, what show should they kill themselves in? You know, he is right in all of those.

That's exactly what I think of. Because it's actually, we were just talking about the Fall River Mare, and talking to my family just about it. I'm like, I don't get it. When you're looking over your shoulder the whole time? I don't get how that's stressed. It's got to be easier. First of all, you didn't even take that much money, dude.

It was 250. You weren't living that good. It wasn't. You weren't living the high life. The risk reward is not there. It's like that sounds so fucking horrible to every single day. Just be worried about drowning in Lebanese meat pies. That's it.

That's all you're doing. And my mom was like, yeah, my mom's a gossip queen of Fall River. My brother used to swear she was in the cia because she always knew everything um like when he was younger not he wasn't that stupid when he's older um but she was like oh yeah they've been whispers about that for a while now like well if you knew then he knew right and so like every single day he's going to work being like fuck fuck fuck fuck like that i thought about that shit on the madoff show yeah the madoff movie with de niro yep and now that was like a lot of money that was a lot of money at least he was i kept thinking like it's you're smart enough to do this it's gotta be easier

just to fucking work but you know what that's where those people like i guess i know what you're saying like just just work that you won't make as much money but you're clearly fucking really smart you'll make a lot of money still. Yeah, it's like if you can hide a Ponzi scheme, you can just run a hedge fund. Come on, man. Figure it out. I don't know, though. It's just different skill sets. It's like snake it till you make it versus knowing how the markets work.

You know? Yeah. No, that's true. But get out, then. Then get out and move to the fucking Caymans. Yeah, right? Seriously. You have enough. Diss a fucking Peter. And also just be better at killing yourself. They took a whole fucking jar of Ambien. and move to the fucking Caymans. Yeah, right? Seriously, diss a fucking Peter. It's like, and like, and also just be better at killing yourself. I mean,

they took a whole fucking jar and they just slept for like 10, like extra 20 hours and woke up like, what the fuck? Dude, there's nothing like

the fucking wake up after you try to commit suicide. Son of a bitch! I suck at everything. Wait, this is heaven? This is heaven. This is where this got away from.

No, you probably do have a moment like, is this heaven? Oh, wait, is this hell? Oh, no, wait. It's just Tuesday. Oh, no, it's my life. So it's hell. Yeah, I don't know. Breaking Bad was definitely one for sure.

Oh, I would kill myself so quick in Homeland. No, disagree. Homeland, I fuck with. Like, if you're Brody. Brody? If I was Carrie? All of them. You're bipolar, you're crazy, and you're always like basically almost getting murdered. Yeah, but he's a CIA agent who's like, fuck it. The CIA agent who keeps saving the

goddamn world. I hope she doesn't kill herself. Yeah, but they're always like, yeah, it's stressful. I'm sorry, I saved the world again. I'm gonna kill myself, and then you guys are really gonna miss me. Yeah. save the world again I'm gonna kill myself and you guys are really gonna miss me yeah Rickety Cricket should kill himself I don't know why he's still alive

Rickety Cricket dude I was watching the season the bloopers from like season 11 or 12 or something like that and it's the

Greco episode the what? the Greco episode and when they bring in Rickety Cricket and he's trying to tell Charlie his story so Charlie can

illustrate it all yep and he's trying to tell Charlie his story so Charlie can illustrate it all. Yep. And he's been making a show, but Rickety just grabs. He goes, oh, come on. You're going to need the red crayon, bud. And he's talking about the dog gangbang. Oh, I know. It's like.

It's like. That's such a great joke. It's sucking so far. That's so good. Charlie immediately lost it. You need the great grandpa. Cricket should

for sure kill himself. He might be the number one. That guy should has no reason to live with him. I think he's

really trying. It's just not taking. It's just not working. We'll give that some thought. We'll do.

We'll flesh it out on watch list, which is still a thing. Watchlist, it's going to be Watchlist Wednesday on Mondays. One day is the day that we can put new shit out outside of the podcast. So we'll ramp that back up and we'll answer the question, which TV characters should kill themselves? Which TV characters, if you were a character, would you kill yourself?

And we'll get you a full answer on Watchlist. You know what show I'd kill myself on? Manifest. So I didn't have to be on it. Oh my god. You know one show I'm just going to kill myself in real life because of Manifest. The fact that that show exists. Holy shit. I'm so mad I even tried episode two. I didn't even

consider it. I blocked that out of existence. Someone was like, man, Manifest could be so good, but it's so bad. I was like, I, I like block that out of existence. Like someone was like, man, manifest could be so good, but it's so bad. I was like, Oh,

I forgot that show existed. Like, like, like, like you were molested as a child. Yes. Like I suppressed it. Just like put it in a case,

in a case. What movies that we talk about that movie all the time. Dream catcher. I think something like that. But there's a scene where like, it's just like a, like a library of just like cases and like, it's just a monster just roaming around.

File it away. Done with that shit. What's up? That's why I've never gotten my head scanned. They'd be like, dude, that's from the movie. Hey,

KFC radio. So I got a hypothetical of listening to your podcast, talking about the Carter five and little Wayne. I've been going back and forth. I haven't really had time to listen to any of them, but I want to listen to Carter V and Logic, new album, Young Sinatra IV. I was just wondering throughout everything

if you guys would rather, for the hypothetical, would you rather listen to an album once through but you can't listen to it for six months after that? So you can't even repeat a song or anything. Or would you rather listen to an album for a month straight, and then you can go on to other music? Thank you for your time. You either get to listen.

Thank you for your time. Thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your service. As soon for your time. Thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your service. As soon as he started, I was like, oh boy, this is a man leaving a voicemail. We don't get those a lot. Thank you. Thank you for your time and consideration on my question on your podcast. Would you rather listen to an album, you get to listen to it on repeat,

and then you never get to listen to it again? Or you get to listen to it on repeat, and then you never get to listen to it again. Or you get to listen to something one time through. You get to listen to all the music out there, but you can't repeat it. I'm a big repeater. When I find a song, like when a new song drops, I'll play it like 200 times in a weekend. Not even exaggerating. Like when I'm the one came out and shit like that, like songs of summer and songs that make you happy i latch on to those and i try to use them as my source of happiness so i'll like my play count on itunes would have been like in the hundreds so the thought of like

i don't like i don't latch on to happy songs yeah but you latch on to the sick ones sad ones so i think when i if i were to hear like a banger and then be like i guess this is an album though so i can listen to the album over and over again? Yeah, that's what he said. See, alright, I think I'm taking that then. I need to be able to repeat. I need to be able to repeat, yeah. That's what it comes down to.

If I could only hear, if I could just, if I could only listen to something like once, I'd be, that would drive me crazy. I'm a repeater as well. If I could only listen to it once, that's all I would, I'd be consumed with trying to listen to it again. I'm a repeater as well Cause yeah Cause then If I could only listen to it once I'd just That's all I would

I'd be consumed With trying to listen to that again I'm a repeater of everything Like I've been eating the chicken For like 90 straight days I eat Taco Bell For like 21 days in a row I've been eating

Philly rolls I've been eating nothing But raw salmon and cream cheese For about a month straight Sounds like you eat A lot of different things Three Cheese Gordita Grunches

Sushi and fucking Chicken God That's a tough Must be So you eat a lot of different things. Three. Cheese Gordita Crunches, sushi, and fucking chicken. Oh, God. That's a tough combo. Must be hell inside that tummy. It's not. I don't get that either. It's like I wouldn't keep eating it if it made my stomach hurt.

That's true. No, I'm the same way. I need to do. Creature of habit. I guess I'm with you with songs, with food. It's the same thing. I fall in love hard with five songs, and that's all I listen to. And everything else is just white noise.

You know what's funny with the quarter five? We were all kind of unimpressed, and I still relatively am. But OBJ goes viral the other day dancing to it, and it's like, that song looks cooler now. That's why music videos are a good thing. I actually really did because you put something to it and it's like

oh alright yeah if I could dance like that I would and that would be pretty dope you know when we when we did the podcast I'd only listened to

about half of it I actually listened to the Cardi 5 a lot after and I do really like it it's not something that wouldn't be my need to repeat

that would be obviously the Star is Born soundtrack is my need to repeat naturally but I thought it was very good I need to repeat, that would be obviously a Star is Born soundtrack. It's what I need to repeat. But I thought it was very good. Hey guys. Quick hypothetical.

Would you rather marry a vegan and they're one of the annoying vegans and they're also a fitness freak so whenever you're sitting on the couch eating potato chips, they nag you about why you're not running and whenever you order a burger in front of them they nag you about eating a burger in front of them just one of the worst types of people or once a month the teletubbies come

beat the shit out of you like they just wake you up one day you wake up and you open your eyes and they're standing there and they just go to town. Option two. Let me know. I choose that right now versus nothing for fun.

I love to have Teletubbies come in and wreck my shit once a month. Just come out like and like they can't it can't always be waking me up like

sometimes it's just sometimes it's just come fucking flying off the office elevator. Yeah. And just like get blindsided. Tinky W comes fucking flying off his elevator. And just like, tinky winky

comes, dropkicks me. Wait, didn't Jackass do this? Remember that where they were dressed in panned outfits and they'd run around Japan and he would just get dropkicked out of nowhere. It was awesome. That would be good. I would love nothing more than for like

six months in when this is like a routine. So the elevator opens up. Fights walks off. Like two black eyes and he's this is like a routine it's like the elevator opens up fights walks off like two black eyes and he's like hobbled then it's like hey what's up oh let's tell what the teletubbies say feel better man all right one day i'm worn up like rambo like just wait they're coming wait they come off the fucking service elevator come give me a fucking stone cold stunner yeah see you seem it. I'm really into you getting your shit racked by the Teletubbies. I want to watch that. So do I.

Someone's got to record it. That's my only stipulation. I get to watch it back. I do think it is great, like, happy hour material. Like, hey, how's it going, man? Well, you know, I get beat up once a month by the Teletubbies. So Tilly Woodley really drops the hammer on me, bro. It's been 29 days.

You see it coming. Teletubby, you fucking let me know. It's like 30 days has September. Oh, no. It's tonight. They're coming today. Head on a swivel. I got 24 hours left.

You're slipping butter knives up your sleeves. I'm going to fucking gut Tinky Winky today. But also, real quick shout out to vegans and CrossFit people. Because I'll tell you what. Those guys have gotten a bad rap for a long time now. I've never encountered any of either of them. Never a single one. You know what's way more annoying than a vegan or a CrossFit person?

Someone who calls them the annoying people. know it's way more annoying than a vegan or a crossfit person someone who calls them the annoying people because they are way more prevalent I don't doubt that there are examples for sure I'm sure you can find the Twitter accounts and

all that shit right now but the I've never come across it in my entire life it's the fuck I lost it there's so many examples of like it's a it's a joke it's a crutch it's a running

theme and a trope and it's clay cliche and tired and it's not real yeah that's i mean i don't even know if crossfit's a thing anymore right and vegan i've never the only crossfitter i ever knew was big cat that's the only representation of the crossfit community and look at that and he quit like the thing is like how annoying they are talking about always doing it it He gave up right away. Yeah, that's just not a thing. So clearly everybody's taking the Teletubby once a month war. Yeah, but the thing is too, the first one's not even bad because those two don't seem annoying to me.

The second one just seems way more awesome. Just seems pretty fun. I mean, really, let's flesh that out though. If the Teletubbies wreck your shit once a month, you're a millionaire. Because, like, you have a TV show, a reality TV show. People would watch a live stream of you for 30 straight days being like. Is this the time? Yeah.

And to be honest, they would watch it for like 15 days and then you would get your shit wrecked and then they would tune out. You run commercials for 15 straight days. But the first 15 days, it would be like, wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, and you would be the biggest star on the internet. You'd be doing Fallon and shit and be like, hey, I'm the guy who gets my ass kicked. I want them to, like, I want it to be

themed, too. Come March, I want them dressed up like fucking Irish mix. Halloween, come in like the fucking Suns Anarchy. Come in like, get a fucking vest and a bat. Just hit me, the fucking Suns Anarchy. Like, come in, like, get a fucking vest and a bat. Just hit me in the fucking face with a bat. You probably could make it a pay-per-view, like, if it was getting late in the month.

Yeah. And it hadn't happened. Start the live stream. It's one of these next few days. Yeah, it's going to be this weekend. 72-hour live stream. At some point, you're going to get to watch this show. I can fight back, right?

Yeah, but, I mean, there's a lot of them. Yeah, no, no, no. I'll get my ass kicked, but, look. They have Teletubby strength. What do you do? Imagine bites like Deontay Wilder. Bow! Bow! Bow! When you're fighting a bunch of Teletubbies, everyone knows the technique

is you throw one punch. You decide you look at one. You're like, I'm a fucking haymaker him. You haymaker him, and then you just turtle shell. Yeah. Take your beating. But you got your lick in. You let that one punch. Fuck you, Tinky Winky. I'll see you next month. I did that.

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and you get 10% off your first order. It's 10% off anything and everything you order at fullyloadedchew.com promo code BARSTOOL. Hey, KFC Radio. I'm calling pertaining a question to modern dating, so I'm just going to get right into it. Basically, I was seeing this guy for my entire senior year of college. It wasn't anything crazy serious, but whatever.

We haven't spoken basically since graduation, which was over a year ago now. He's in a new relationship, which, you know, fine. I was happy for him when I found out. A few months into the relationship, I noticed he deleted me on Snapchat, which, you know, I thought was weird. But, again, I thought it was normal because I'm sure his girlfriend had me do it or, you know, whatever. I wasn't really that hurt about it. Then, you know, fast forward six months, so now it's been almost, I don't know, it's been over a year and a half since we've even

had any contact with each other. Him and his friend are out at our college football game and they Snapchat my best friend, a selfie of the two of them at the bar that you know we all used to go to um i obviously don't get the snapchat because he deleted me um then we don't answer because we're not there and whatever we forgot about it then i'm thinking about him so i go on his facebook a few days later and i realize he is now deleting me on Facebook. And I just think it's pretty... Land the plane, bitch! I just think that's very weird considering I haven't tried to contact him. He hasn't contacted me in over a year and a half.

It's not really weird. You used to fuck this guy and the new girl wants you out of his life. It's not even new. It's such a weird thing to me. How dumb is this girl? It's not weird. First of all, there was a lot of unnecessary parts in that story.

This is the most girl I've ever called. It's two minutes long. It's the longest voice we've ever had. I'm going to call and just do the voice note again. Hey, guys. My ex-boyfriend is leaving me on all social media. Like, what's that about? Done.

Done. He's dating someone else. That's it um i actually i don't understand why that's like such a like it's a like a negative thing like why it's such a viewed what's a view too horribly like we broke up i don't want to see you anymore like it'll hurt me well no but i mean it sounds like this was not like a full-fledged relationship it sounds like it wasn't a bad breakup, but still, but you know what? I mean,

it is, it's, it's, it's the social media thing is its own breakup. It's like you, it's another, it's an, it's this extra thing of like,

like when I was saying the face to face breakup, it's like, I don't want you in my life at all. And now it's like, I can't even have your digital presence pop up on my timeline. Yeah. I am that way. I,

I don't care if we dated. I don't care if we dated, I don't care if we had sex a couple times. Once we're done, I don't want you. Like we were talking about suppressing things. I don't want to have to think about you anymore. Right, well, for all this girl though, that guy, first of all, that guy has a new girlfriend and she's like, you fucked that girl? You can't see her at all.

Like, that's just how it is. But also, who knows? How does she know oh they know they know the whole fucking thing so you guys stop being so snoopy we'll stop having to delete shit yeah well i'll always delete no matter what i'm a i'm a fast but you maybe that guy is like maybe he was way more into you than you realize and he's like i gotta get over this girl right there's a fucking million reasons why i think i think that's probably more logical response right is it because like if someone asked me like, are you,

did you have sex with her? I'd be like, no. You just deny it? Yeah. I'm fucking like, well, we're not, it's not like we're constantly in contact. Fights wants people

like wiped from existence. How would that, I do. Marty McFly, the picture's just there. That's actually one thing I would like to go back in time for. Where like,

where you can just move the town over and I'd never fucking hear or see from you. Yeah. That's, that's the shit I need. I don't want to have to have this on forever. I do like, because I hate deleting because I don't block people on the internet and I don't, I try not to delete them because it does just give you content where you're like

screenshotting. I'm blocked by Feidelberg. No, bitch, you're muted by Feidelberg. Yeah. But but the um god wouldn't it be great if you could mute in real life what yeah it is a black mirror episode where it's just like yes that's what i want in life where i could just push the button and you would come in and you would still babble about who fucking knows the star is born or whatever the fuck else and for and somehow you would think i'm responding but i'm not. You'd think that I can actually hear you and I just can't.

That'd be nice. That'd be heaven. I'd mute you so fast, bro. I do that with all people I've talked with. I'm muted. Mute me for life. Except there's one social media. You're psychologically broken. So let's not act like what you do applies to the general public.

It's what's keeping me holding on to the last bit that's actually there. So the public, while you still got full battery, start doing it now. Don't wait until the end. Today's KFC Radio song of the day is brought to you by Lightstream. Lightstream offers credit card consolidation loans from 5.89% APR. John, is that a good rate or a bad rate, is that a good rate or a bad rate? Is that a good rate or a bad rate? Good rate.

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lightstream.com slash KFC for more information Fidelberg you were talking about your girl during the episode I didn't know we got it again oh baby I thought it was your day to pick what a juicy surprise you know it was and I said I'm gonna throw my guy a phone here. I'm gone and that magic's not here no more. And I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all. Cause here we are again on that little town street.

Your old friend the red, cause you were looking't mean.