KFC Radio - Bill Burr Returns, Drew Brees' Comments, Blowing On a Tan, and Destination Funerals

Episode Date: June 4, 2020

Subscribe, rate, and leave a review. We kick off the show talking about Drew Brees' comments on kneeling during the national anthem. Feits' explains why sports are the exact opposite of an "escape from the world." We talk about how the earth "cries meteor" way too often. AITA Thursday returns with blowing on tan, dressing up for funerals, penis enlargement surgery, and an uptight loser. Voicemails include accents, baths vs brushing teeth, cute lil tummy, and giving a hand. Bill Burr returns to the show. We discuss how he's doing in quarantine, his upcoming movie (highly recommend) The King of Staten Island, meeting Pete Davidson before he was just getting started, the impact The Last Dance had on him, and much more. The King of Staten Island and F is For Family out on June 12th. Let us know what you think on twitter. @kfcradio @KFCBarstool @feitsbarstool @billburr Check out clips of the podcast on our Youtube Channel. Subscribe here: https://www.youtube.com/user/KFCradioYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Man, a six-inch flaccid dick is my dream. The thing is, Joe, we ain't light it up, we won't come down. And the sun can't stop us now. What did it come to? You're thinking of you. We should be thinking of you. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. I think a good thing that has come about from all of this, I think when things get so bad, you stop with old bullshit. I think that's a sign of progress.

I think that there's, there's a little sign of hope. Like I think the fact that Drew Brees was out here still completely misunderstanding what kneeling for the anthem meant. And like, I feel like everyone this time was just like, you fucking moron. It used to be like, okay, I don't know if I'm going to bring it up. I don't know if I want to say what I feel because I don't want to disrespect the troops or it's a touchy subject or

this is about veterans. And it just, I think it finally clicked for people. He wasn't just breaking the flag. He meant that the flag doesn't stand for him and his people that way. And this was a sign of showing protest and Nate Boyer and he got permission and all that shit and if that's over i think that's over i don't think anybody like even tolerates that argument anymore and i feel like uh the world coming down like a ton of bricks on drew breeze was kind of a sign

i i agree with that wholeheartedly. The royal butt. I would go so far to say that what Drew Brees did, knowing how wrong he is and knowing he has to have known that he was going to get crucified, destroyed, killed immediately. I'd go so far as to say it was brave. He blindly ran into a war that he has no business fighting, no knowledge about fighting, and just he ran. And using like a musket, like using an old ass argument. Like no equipment like he had like

underpants on his head that's all he was wearing that's no those were his fatigues like he looked he was like doug funny captain underpants he had a belt wrapped around his head a pair of whitey tighties and just went front lines being like this is what i think and it's wrong it's it's it's so don't i disagree with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To know you're going to get killed and be like, I'm going to fight this fight. You know what?

You think he did? Or is he still in such a bubble? Or the people he talks to in his world are still like, yeah, man, stand for the flag. Did he say that being like, oh, boy. His publicist or whatever,

had to be sitting on the side, like, Oh, well, okay. I guess we're doing that. Or is it like, you know, yeah, man, we're with you on that. I would be, you know, I'm sure, I'm sure what's going to happen is like, this will die down. This will dissipate. And then that voice will rise up again. The fight voice. Right? So right now he's fighting that battle alone.

I'm sure he's got plenty of splinter cells waiting for everything to die down so they can jump up with him again. Yeah. But his publicist must have been like, hey, dude, we're on Yahoo Finance. What the fuck is that? What are you talking about? Why are you even bringing this the fuck up? Why are you bringing up anything? Like, Josh, shut the fuck up, Drew Brees. drew breeze i mean you got lebron shitting on him you got his own teammates being

like fuck this dude but it's like i i think that uh i think that all lives matter is kind of getting that treatment now i think what people on the other side of these issues used to do was like scream and fight back and now they're just like you're fucking stupid like if you say all lives matter then you should think black lives matter too we're not just about to play just shut the fuck up and you almost disarm it better than by fighting when you're just like you people are fucking stupid rather than fighting back you know and here's the deal too i will never again this is a promise i'm making i hope i keep it like i don't i never railed against new ideas i never because i always know that's a losing battle

but i was always offended by them not not offended is not the right word i got defensive about them right like like i offended is not right but i got defensive whenever it's like something was like white privilege whatever i was like hang on hang, hang on. My life's tough too. And I just never took the time to understand what they mean. And I think it's just crazy to think that we got defensive. Not we personally, because I always thought all lives matter.

It was dumb on this one. But who got defensive about that? Black lives matter. All lives matter. Why would you fight that fight? That doesn't make sense. If all lives do matter, then you fight that fight? That doesn't make sense. If like, if, if all, if all lives do matter,

then you don't get defensive when someone says black lives matter. If someone said white lives matter, you just go, yeah, you're right. Right. Yeah. I, the,

the offended is a strong term that I don't think everyone feels, but I do think just having that gut reaction of the butt or the why, or the hang on a second is, I think finally kind of like for most people, I think that's a, a very white problem to have. Like, like you take the ability to get defensive.

You're like, well, hang on. My life was tough too. Well, hang on. I worked hard and like everyone, or hang on,

I'm not going to apologize for being born white. People love that one. That's all that one. But the, those are the things worked hard. And like everyone, or hang on, I'm not going to apologize for being born white. People love that one. Love that one. But those are the things I think that are, are like not getting the usual traction they do this time around with, you know, the people who like the extreme, of course, are still there.

But I think if you say all lives matter, most people are like, yeah, you're not, you're not thinking that through at all. This idea of the flag, we talked a little bit about being an escape. It was just like, I don't want to talk about this. I'm afraid to talk about this, so I'm going to go back to being an escape. That's my least favorite one in the world. I think if you use that, first of all, I always hated it strictly because it's lame.

I just think it's stupid. I'm not like you're wrong and all that kind of thing i just think it's a lame thing to say like this is my escape you're in a baseball game dude shut the fuck up right you're like you're on this island getaway you're in a baseball game relax like when you walk into fucking city field you're like oh all of my problems are gone i'm gonna come out of baseball game and second of all it is the exact opposite of escape from the world if you walk into a fucking baseball game or a football game you're not escaping you're you're actually walking into a perfectly accurate microcosm of the world you're immersing yourself in the world you have celebrities on the field they're getting propped up on a pedestal you have the ultra wealthy who have access to like the nicer

foods and nicer bathrooms up there you have the fucking pretty rich who have the better seats and then you have the guy who's working like nine to five who's wondering if he can afford a hot dog up in the top stands you're in the world oh by the way we have fucking military bombers flying over and recruiters at the front gate and like America everywhere. You're not escaping anything. You're buying a $15 beer and a $9 hot dog. It is America. Welcome to military industrial complex.

Welcome to – not communism. Consumerism. Welcome to capitalism. Like you're in the world, bro. You're not escaping fucking anywhere. Don't pretend to support your escape. I've said the escape thing in the past, and what it more meant was like, I don't think this is my place to talk about something.

I'm just here to crack jokes. I never thought that Barstool was an oasis in a desert of badness, but I think that even that is on token ceo where he said like like he doesn't have an escape if you have an escape you're lucky i still think it's bullshit i still think you're just trying to convince your mind it's an escape it's not at all but i i do think that like that's just something you get to do that's not something everyone gets to do have an escape that's just you're just you're luckily be continuing to be white that's just something you get to do that's not something everyone gets to do have an escape you're just you're luckily be continuing to be white that's your escape or or just you know it's not even necessarily uh race but it's just like any problem that i don't want to touch upon race

money politics whatever i'm just gonna say uh no no I'm going to do something else and provide an escape. I think that you can still say I want to be humorous and all that shit. But I think the whole point is that our version of that, our version of an excuse to not talk about it is we do humor. And the next guy's excuse is like, well, I work with kids or something. Like everybody has their version of why they can't talk about this. And that's the goddamn problem is that everybody finds a way to justify themselves not fucking talking about it so nobody fucking talks about it so uh guess what there's a fucking reason why all those bullshit escapes they're not here right now so now we have to have that awkward conversation

maybe in a weird way maybe this was fate maybe there's higher powers being like we're gonna make these motherfuckers talk about it when they can't just turn and say yo did you see lebron's triple double last night let's talk about that like there's no no you can't escape everywhere you turn there's some bad shit i don't think this is solely happening because we don't have sports and we don't have you know movies and shit like that but it plays a part absolutely because there is there is no like all right well at least the game's on tonight and i can pretend this isn't fucking happening down the street i think there's there's a it's a perfect storm there's a lot of things happening at the right time to make this happen but like yeah your

fucking fake escape hatch not being here and my fucking fake escape hatch not being here is now we're here now we're're on the battlefield. Just keep talking. I'm also going to proclaim another thing dead. And I don't even really know what it fucking means to be honest. Virtue signaling? I don't really get it. Like, the minute you start talking about

just being a good person, you're virtue signaling. Okay. Everything's virtue signaling. I'm just signaling a virtue you don't like everything i say i'm signaling a virtue i'm saying something i think everything i if you say something you're virtue signaling you just disagree with one thing i think when when there's other internet bullshit going on like uh when people are white knighting like i'm not white knighting for for the black lives matter like that it has to be something so trivial that you shouldn't be

puffing your chest out and saying like proclaiming these things you know but if you're talking i seem to give an example of some of the dumb shit but when when guys white knight for like a girl on the internet when it's really not a big deal. If you're virtue signaling being like, you know, like, look at me, here's something I did today. When we're talking about like an entire societal like revolution. And I'm just like, oh, I'm on these guys side because I think it's right. Stop virtue signaling. I don't, okay't okay man like whatever like this is where i was like don't follow or don't listen or don't download anymore because we are just on different pages different books

different everything i saw it happen with you today where people like well like that statue got vandalized if you give a fuck about a statue if you give a fuck about a target pane glass window, in a perfect world, none of that shit happens. In a perfect world, all the shit that happened before doesn't happen. I'm not going to forgive rioting and looting. Absolutely not. But

we weren't listening before. The question is the same as it's always been. The request is the same as it's always been. The request is the same as it's always been. Hey, can you just fucking listen to us and stop beating us and killing us? It's the same question that just the way it's posed has been changed. I also, I mean, like,

it's a matter of, you have to, like, be willing to let them do, like, I saw people getting mad about when they blocked traffic in my town uh on sunday someone was like oh so now people are getting inconvenienced driving home that's gonna fix it like well yeah you have to let them block traffic or spray paint the fucking statue because you don't want the alternative which is the looting and the rioting. Like they have to do something that ruffles some feathers and disrupts a little bit. I think that a statue getting defaced and traffic being stopped, it's probably your best fucking option.

So shut up. Don't complain about that fucking too. And I genuinely do not care about a fucking monument getting spray painted. You could spray paint Abraham Lincoln's fucking face. That affects me 0%. You spray paint the steps. I do not fucking care. And if you're going to extend your argument that far, fuck off.

I think anyone who cares about that is like, you just, you're looking for a reason to disagree with things. And like, I, like, I just, I just can't imagine actually getting that concerned about spray paint or, or a target window or like, I don't know. It's not great. I know, but it'll get fixed. I think they convinced themselves, you know, they just want something to latch onto. It's like when the people told me,

I can't wait for more information to come out about this video. And then it's like, here's more information, and it only confirms what I was saying. Well, you know, let me pivot to this. But they spanked on a statue, too. You know, it's like, you're just going to keep grasping. I remember that yesterday, who asked me, what's the solution, then?

I said, buddy, I don't know. I don't know the solution to racism, but I'll start with supporting those fighting the cause. Right. And he's like, he's like another guy. He doesn't know what he's going to do. Like, I have no idea. I'm going to support with money. I'm going to support with my words. And I'm going to I'm going to help where I can and hope things get better. I hope someone smarter than me has a better plan. but I'm going to be honest with everybody right now. If solving racism falls to

me, I am probably going to let you down. We are fucked if that's the case. It's falling in the hands of much smarter and experienced people and we still ain't getting anywhere. If you're going to leave it on KFC and Final Word, we might as well just pack it in and give it up like right now, because I will continue. And if you're not going to, you're not going to let people spray paint or I love, I love nothing more than people putting themselves in a pretzel with like, there's a curfew.

You must obey it as like,, well, fucking two weeks ago, you were telling people, you can't tell me when I have to be in my house. And I love the all lives matter. But two weeks ago, you said, I don't give a fuck about your grandma and grandpa dying of Corona. I want to go get my hair done.

Watching these people put themselves at a hypocritical pretzel, it honestly makes me calm. I'm like, I don't even need to go on Pornhub. I'm just gonna, I saw a tweet today that said, that said, why are people so, why are so many people talking about the number of riot casualties? The flu kills more than that every year. I'm like, yes!

Yes! Give it to me! Let it go all over me! Fucking give me a facial with that shit in there! I love it! So, you know, I understand that David Dorn being murdered and the cops who died. Horrible. Never going to say otherwise. But then if you don't want that to happen, you got to let people spray paint statues.

You got to let people disrupt traffic a little bit. And until that becomes a major problem, you should probably meet them. You're not even meeting them halfway. You're meeting them like one percent of the way. But just let them fucking spray penis back. So in my mind, I would say all lives matter. Argument is dead. Kneeling for the flag argument is dead. Virtue signaling is dead.

And hopefully we're all dead soon. There was another meteor that's supposed to be coming close. Nope. I need a new rule. I need a new rule. And I understand the universe is literally infinite, so if you come within hundreds of thousands of miles, it's considered buzzing the tower.

I need it to be closer than the moon before you ever write another article about a meteor coming our way. I don't ever want to hear about it again. The earth is the boy who cried meteor. I don't care about it anymore. I'm fucking done with it. You know what the earth is?

It's like a monthly thing at this point. There's a meteor coming close. There's a lot of meteors out there. I'm tired of fucking hearing it. I'm tired of getting my hopes up. Yeah, I said, fingers crossed today, guys. And they were like, you mean that it misses us, right? I was like, yeah, right.

And it misses us, bro. Anyone who fucking hopes a meteor misses us hasn't been paying attention. I feel like I just can't wait to die as long as everyone else dies with us. I don't want to die, be myself. I want everybody to die at the same time. Eh. But I got kids. If I don't have kids... I'll tell you what, as a kid, I didn't like to share my treats.

I'm keeping that shit to myself. That's my death. That's my death, man. You know what the earth is? The earth is... No, it's all mine. White privilege. Death belongs to me and only me. The earth is that friend friend that guy who's like cocky and like you know good with girls and makes money but he's an asshole and he's kind of a

douchebag and everyone's like one day you're gonna get punched in the face man and it's like no he's not that's never gonna happen he's just gonna keep winning that's the earth it's like you're ruining you're ruining the environment we We're going to get hit by meteors. There's going to be volcanoes in the Earth. Just like, yeah, well, I keep on going, man. Do you remember growing up the hole in the ozone layer? What happened to that?

Oh, it's still there. It's still there, but so is the Earth. I'm not going to say, I'm not saying I'm like denying that there's environmental problems. I'm just saying the Earth just keeps on finding a way they just keep on keeping up well I just I mean that hole was pretty young and he's just gotten

older like the temperature keeps going up the ice caps keep melting I think that that extra layer would have been pretty nice let's see hole in the ozone layer 2020 I feel like I was under the impression

that I was going to be dead by like 18 because of the hole in the ozone layer. How about the Amazon rainforest burning? Did that go out? I don't know. That was a problem before. Then Kobe died, and then the pandemic started, and then the riots started and then the riot started

and everyone's like are the trees still on fire who knows 80 of australia was on fire too i mean i don't know whether it's a bad thing i think it might be a good thing that is like boy this place this goddamn planet's like a fucking cockroach like you can't get it we're trying to get rid of this thing. We're trying to kill everybody. Apparently, it's not working. And I don't know what we got to do to make this planet end. But I think we should figure it out.

There are parts of me that are like, the Earth is like, guys, this is the grooming I do every year. You just didn't all tell each other about it last time. Right. You know? I think one day we will look back. And I truly believe this one day we will look back on social media and it will be like like like fucking uh we'll look back on social media like we looked at the fucking guys sitting on the eiffel tower or uh the empire state building like you just let people do that that's dangerous like they'll they're gonna learn

stuff about like what it does and like how how the 24-hour news cycle effect it's not a 24-hour how the 10-minute news cycle affects your brain how people just saying whatever the fuck they want without any any uh uh information any uh information partly but any any responsibility i think like just like any all with complete anonymity on things i think all of that one day they're gonna be like sociologists are gonna look back and be like this was the craziest experiment in the history of the world like like like i was like dude you were on fire all the time you guys just didn't tell everyone about it and it was just fine and it was just like the brush i don't't know if this is for a fact, right?

But like the Amazon rainforest was like, yeah, dude, we burn all the time. That's just fucking what we do. We have too many goddamn trees here. It takes seven years for a raindrop to hit the floor, whatever the fuck the stat is, right? Like there's like everything's going to be like, yeah, like that was just, that was fine when it was a secret between friends and he told everyone and they had no idea what this environment is like.

And they all freaked out. And like everything is just like – everything is freaked out now. And it's going to be – Well, you're seeing it. You know, we live in a world now where we have to tell people, hey, relax your shoulders for a second. See how good that feels. And you're like, whoa, I haven't done that since I was 12. You're right.

I was a little tense. Yeah, I feel like everybody is you when Hank was coming off the wall with the duct tape. Just like at any moment, just ready to punch, ready to fight, ready to go. We are. We've got to be. I think that we're more unhealthy now than we were in the year 800, when there was no running water and damp plumbing

and all that shit. I'd rather deal with it. At least they were paleo then. At least they were paleo then, though. Yeah. They were drinking cow's milk, at least. Oh, does your mother say you move and you drink milk? Yo, speaking of animals, did you see Cow's milk at least. Or does your mother say you shouldn't drink milk?

Yo, speaking of animals, did you see that shit that I retweeted this morning? The girl who was saying if we're going to do Black Lives Matter that we should do Animal Lives Matter for veganism? Yeah, yeah. This reply tweet, which was in fact

dead ass serious. I sincerely mean it. I'm going to proclaim this. The most tone deaf thing of all time. The issue is exactly the same for animals and black lives. We need to treat animals like blacks and blacks like animals. Send tweet. Can't say that.

Can't come out here and say let's treat blacks like animals. Can't do it. Not allowed to do it. Can't even imagine that people still send those kind of tweets thinking it's a good idea. It's insanity, John. It's fucking nuts. I don't even think that gets a tone deaf. Huh?

I don't even think that's called tone deaf. I don't know what it would be. But, like, it's something bad. It's bad. So bottom line, world is fucked. Archaic arguments are dying. Pray for the meteor. And we'll keep it moving here on the podcast.

It's brought to you by Paint Your Life. Now, we got Father's day coming up, you want to give a nice, uh, thoughtful gift. You got any, any gift giving, uh, maybe graduation, you got an anniversary, birthday, whatever, give a nice gift that you get at paint your life.com. Uh, what you do is, uh, you get a professional hand paintedpainted portrait created from any photo so like i like the photo uh john posted this on his instagram a couple weekends ago it's me and john in his uh like 67 corvette or 67 mustang and he said we live our lives a quarter mile at a time i would like that turned into a painted mural to be honest i don't think an instagram portrait's enough i

want that to be one of those canvas painted murals hanging on my wall. So what you do is you give them the photo, whatever you want, new, old, digital, paper, whatever. You choose from a team of world-class artists and you work with them until every detail is perfect. They have a user-friendly platform that gives you a custom order. You get the hand-painted portrait in less than five minutes. God damn, these painters move fast. It's a quick and easy process. I don't know how that works. I don't know how that works.

They do the painted portrait in five minutes, and then they will send you the actual portrait in three weeks. Any picture of you, yourself, your children, a special place, a cherished pet, whatever. You can even combine photos. So it's like, hey, look, I like this picture of me. I like this picture of you. Let's put them together and get a good one painted. And you get the, it's the perfect piece

that lasts forever for any sort of event, holiday, anniversary, birthday or something just for yourself. Go to paintyourlife.com. In order to get the discount, you can text KFC to 64000. So right now you'll get 20% off when you plus free shipping. When you text KFC to 64000, you're going to paintyourlife.com and check it all out.

Start to immortalize those moments forever. I'll tell you what, I like that move on Paint Your Life. Hey, you know what? This only takes you about five minutes. I'll get to you in three weeks. I'm doing that with like,

students should do that with writing assignments. This will take me about an hour. I'll turn it in a month yeah okay oh oh wait okay um okay now it makes sense i misread it takes five minutes to order like you can get it done in five minutes okay okay they said it in three weeks i was like what is what is what does that mean so they can't they're not speed painters okay they can't paint a painting in five minutes it's like i don't know anything about art that seemed borderline impossible but i've also seen those things online where they like scribble and they flip it over and it's a fucking elephant and i'm like what that took like 25 seconds so uh forgive me paint your

life we'll give you the three weeks text kfc to 64000 to get 20% off. What do we got today? We got Bill Burr. Bill Burr on the show promoting King of Staten Island, which I am going to declare the best screener advanced thing that we've ever promoted and

pushed on the show. King of Staten Island is a fucking awesome movie. It's like PG. It's my movie of the year. I would be shocked Island is a fucking awesome movie. It's like... I'll be shocked if I have a movie I like more than King of Staten Island this year. I'm not a huge movie re-watcher and I watched it twice when we had the screening.

So definitely check it out. You worked twice? Yeah. Would you pause it before it finished or something? I had plans to watch it with three different people and when I went back to re-watch it I'd already finished it so you must have paused it before it finished or something

I mean I guess so maybe, why? Once you finish it, it disappears or something? It was like your time has expired with it I had plans to watch it with my girlfriend I was going to watch it with my parents so I was just going to get it on Friday now but it was like it would have felt pretty cool to watch it with my parents. So I was just going to get it on Friday now. But it was like, it would have felt pretty

cool to watch it with like John Feidelberg Watermark. Yeah, when we get our screeners, the Watermark says our big fat fucking name right across the middle. It's like, yeah, you remember who got you this fucking movie. That's right. You won't read, motherfucker. So Bill Burr's on and we did

like an hour with him. So let's get into, we'll do, um, am I the asshole or voicemails before we get to Bill? Cause, uh, an hour with Bill Burr is always, I mean, it's sometimes it's crazy. I think out of everyone that we get and all the interviews we land now, I still think when Bill Burr comes through and he just genuinely likes talking to us and gives us like a full fucking hour that still

always hits like crazy to me it's like you know it's chappelle or dave uh chris rock was ever like yeah what's up john what's up devin let's talk for a fucking hour i can't believe it uh and bill actually i'm a little scared to talk to him no matter how many times he comes on this was the first time i was a little calm and i don't know whether it was because of the zoom factor or if i'm finally just comfortable but every other time i've talked to bill i've been mad nervous this time i was just like what's up billy boy how we doing and i think i don't know why i should have still been nervous i should i should just shut my mouth but uh we got an hour coming up with him awesome interview and uh definitely check out king of staten island let's get into mids so it's brought to you by cams sanitizing uh i mean obviously right now being safe being clean people i feel like people kind of just forgot about coronavirus forgot about

the pandemic and while it seems like it was was winding down and it seems like we're okay, you know, not out of the woods yet. It just happens to be that another cause overlapped with the end of it. So still got to be safe. And that's where CAMS Sanitizer comes in. They offer upgraded disinfection services that neutralize viruses and bacteria for up to 90 days after treatment. So if you've got a small business, if you're a commercial service, and you want to make sure that you clean the shit out of your office space or your storefront or residential, you want to just clean your house, your apartment building, your car.

We're talking about the major things that can carry germs or the virus and bacteria can last. So cams, sanitizer, all of their services are no wipe necessary. The basic disinfection package allows clients to enter back into space within 10 minutes of completion. So if you want to get sanitized, you can visit camssanitize.com or call 866-41-CLEAN and enter the code BARSTOOL or mention it on the phone call. So either on the website,

code BARSTOOL or mention that you came from BARSTOOL on the phone and you'll get a 15% discount and they will come in skin safe, food safe, child safe, pet safe,

non-corrosive, all EPA registered and they will blast that shit and clean it the fuck up. Am I the asshole if I tweet, we need to treat black people like animals? Yes! Yes, you fucking are. This is actually what I want to lead off

with, is from Reddit Chips, not Am I the Asshole? But boy do I love this girl. My boyfriend's, 26 male, my boyfriend's 26 male. My boyfriend's cum took my tan off and now I don't know what to do.

This woman, I might have to hire her from Barstool, bro. So let me set the scene. I'm getting fucking railed as per. My boyfriend pulls out. I think she already works from Barstool.

I think she already works from art school. Does she? She barely does though, bro. Barely. So I'm getting fucking railed as purr. My boyfriend pulls out as he's about to finish and comes all over my stomach

and boobs. Super high. Nothing could go wrong, right? Well, earlier in the day, I had done my usual routine. Shaved, showered, put on some fake tan because I want to be a biscuit brown bake. Anyhow, now I have cum-shaped tan lines all over my stomach and boobs. I don't know what to do. It's so obvious. And it's so hot where we are are i cannot wear anything that covers those areas because it's just so warm i don't know how to fix this do i reapply my tan and just have darker everything else would that even work the tan lasts for two weeks help me it's just you know why do why do

bad things happen to good people john these these are the these are the hardships the world faces when you get when comes blasting off your fake tan look i don't understand how tan works but like i feel like you just put more fucking tan on like i don't even know but no here's the thing man unless you're just gonna sit there and just like fill in the dots on your test i don't think it's that easy i don't think i think it's more of a full application dude this sounds like one of those cheap things i thought she was like went to a spray tan and at which point i would have been like hey you dumb idiot you gotta take a shower first but the uh with this i don't know if you get a spray tan you're gonna shower then you can have people come on you that's the rule i've actually never gotten a spray tan you say that like yeah no kidding, no kidding. I think it's pretty rare for our devil, guys our age, to get a spray can.

But, like, I said it with such confidence because I just know that's what you do. But I've never gotten one. I know you're supposed to. I mean, especially if you're going to get fucking railed as per, you got to know what's going on. So, um, you know, if you're going to be a biscuit brown, maybe you might as well just reapply and go extra dark. Otherwise people are going to know you had a bunch of come on you, dude.

What are you going to do? Also there's no shot in the world. I'd ever think that's what happened. I'd be like, Oh, she, she has that disease where like parts of her skin get lighter i would definitely be like oh you got vitiligo like michael jackson before i was like oh you're taking loads to the fucking chest there's there's never in a million years when i see someone with like splotches of lighter skin i'm like that's probably semen that's what that is although if I knew

this girl and I know that she's the type of girl to put up a post about getting fucking railed as per maybe I'd be like oh I mean yeah that's like Samantha she gets covered in cum all the fucking time I don't think I would ever think that ever in my whole life if you saw on like a chick's

lower back like like splotches of where – you might. You might. I'd be surprised. I'd be like, oh, they have a birthmark. Yeah, you're definitely overthinking it. But that's one of those things that you get in your own head about where you're just like, oh, this is definitely –

I mean, I do it all the time with just pee in my pants. And I'm like, they definitely don't think this is pee. They rarely think it's pee unless I tell them. And don't get me wrong. I tell them most of the time. But I'm like – Nobody tells on himself better than Fidelberg. A dude comes out of the bathroom with just a fucking soaked fly.

I pee in my pants. It's just a little bit of pee. And people are probably like, oh, like, it's a hot out. He's taking a sip of water, and, like, condensation fell on him. It's not a lot. It's just a little dot. But I'm like, just so everyone knows, this is piss. Nobody pisses their pants better than you and YP.

By the way, that picture of YP in the wetsuit, whoo, buddy, he got me all boned up. Do you remember on KPC Radio when I was just like, YP, I want to fuck you in the ass? Just flat out said I wanted that anal sex with my male co-worker. I got two today.

All right, go ahead. All right. Let's see. First one. Am I the asshole for all right go ahead all right um let's see first one am i the asshole for enjoying getting dressed up for funerals did you write this are you about to just look at your phone and just read off the top of your head so i'm a 30 year old male had to go to a funeral well so i so i had a funeral today but because of quarantine i'm at the home where my suits are not i had to get going it was the death happened before i i had a chance to leave i'm clearly reading this out of the top

i was totally fucking joking and i I was like, wait a minute. He did go to a funeral. This is about it. Oh, my God. Oh, you are a piece of shit. Is it not crazy to want to look good wherever you go? And I had to wear an old high school suit today, and I was in my head the whole time. I'm like, my God, these pants aren't even tapered, John.

You look ridiculous here. It's great. I mean, you make a compelling argument. It's like, hey, if you're – You're respectful to not look good. Right. It's like if you care about how you look when you go to the bar, you should care about how you look when you're paying last respects to someone you knew and love.

You know, you can make the argument that if you don't care about looking good at a funeral, you're the asshole. Right. If you throw on sweatpants and like a T-shirt, like, what, it's just a funeral. You're like a dick. Well, I want to make sure my nice clothes look nice. Okay. a t-shirt like what it's a funeral it's like a dick well i want to make sure my nice clothes look nice okay if you dress up you dress up for a few a wedding you should dress up for a funeral 100 i think it's like i today i wore a suit from high school my dad i look like a kid going to his first fucking job interview i had my dad's shoes on my my dad's belt, high school suit, fucking old tie. I was like, this is ridiculous, John.

And even more than that, like, you probably looked fine, but knowing your brain and what you always want to look like, you were probably standing there, like, just looking like a tense asshole. You know what I mean? Just being like, oh, my God, I look terrible. I look terrible. I look terrible. I look like I'm wearing my dad's clothes oh man that is so

here's the part that people hadn't thought about and maybe hopefully never have to think about i was sitting in the car before i went into this to the mass trying to decide which face mask was most appropriate for a funeral. I had four to choose from and I couldn't make a choice. What were the choices? I mean, there's pattern. One was like a black and white,

like striped. Um, one was like, uh, it was green with, uh, green with tan dots. One was just green.

And then one was like one of the medical ones. I went with just the medical one. I was going to say, you can't lose the medical one. The medical one was like one of the medical ones i went with just the medical one i'm gonna say you can't lose the medical one the medical one is like you know black like white shirt like great you know black tie like it's just like standard medical it's part of your routine now if you try to dress it up i think if you're gonna try to get cute with your mask you better fucking knock it out of the park there There were some good masks in there. Were they? Matching to a tie and shit? Or just a cool mask in general?

I don't know if they matched the tie, but they looked formal. There was a black one that almost looked like Sub-Zero. Some people have those with the pointy nose and it comes under the chin. Stuff like that. I only had one of those that was just black. Another guy had a nice maroon one. There was one of the guys with

the full scarf. Those don't fly. was just black another guy had a nice maroon one but there was one of the guys with like the um you pull up like the full scarf those can't those don't fly enough no that that that looks like you forgot your mask you just like what another thing you have to judge people for now i'm sitting in a funeral just being like inappropriate face mask what a goddamn world like i wonder i think about things like uh just like the uh the number of like searches for masks that have been going on the last year or like just the dumb the dumb side effects like your vocabulary that changes or the things you need to do now and we all just like yep it became pretty normal pretty fucking quick i feel like like yeah first you got to have your

mask college um by the way on top of that i did decide that this is going to be a verbal will. I'm going to tell my parents, but in case they disobey my wishes, I want everyone else to get mad and stuff like that. No funeral for me. None. It's official. Throw you out in the trash? Like I'm dead serious. No, cremate me and then have a party, but don't have it.

Nothing religious. have like a party but like don't have it nothing religious just because like witnessing it today i was just thinking if that was me this is all so dis all be so disingenuous because i don't think any of this and i didn't live my life like any of this so it's so silly to send me out like this for my last okay but let me let me hit you with something else you're dead so fuck you right what if like let's say you die tragically and I don't know if Polly's religious or not, but people have parents and grandparents who are religious

and if they want to go do the whole dog and pony show and that makes them feel better, shouldn't you be worried about that? You can go to mass if you want. Go feel better at mass. You start with my dead body in the better at mass yeah i don't like going to mass alive dead just get me out of here man it's like it just all right like it felt like i was just thinking that's there and like a priest was saying these things about like he wouldn't even know me why is he talking about me

so much another curveball what if you die a hero and your mass is going to be banged out? The church is going to be filled. You can have a party. Just don't have it in church. Rent out a bar. Rent out a house. You can't not. You can have a party. I actually thought the eulogy

was so beautiful today. Eulogies are dope. Have everyone come and give me a eulogy if you want to. You don't't need one eulogy everyone get up and tell a quick story or whatever i think that's that part's so nice but just the other stuff with me just wouldn't make sense it just yeah i think uh that's interesting because i feel i like i just said a minute ago for some reason i i kind of think of weddings and funerals as like equal but opposite sort of thing and people are moving away from weddings and churches why does that have to be like why is it so automatic that you do like the death shit the same way in the church and the funeral home and all that the prayer

it's like right i want a non-denominational death just fucking throw the party i think yeah like i like i'm not saying don't remember me or anything like that i'm not like doing the joking throwing me in the trash remember me have just have like my have me in an urn don't remember me or anything like that I'm not doing the joking, throwing me in the trash Remember me, just have me in an urn Don't keep that urn forever, go dump it somewhere after Don't be like one of those on a mantle people I don't want to stick around forever But have the party Have me there

I think it would be cool if everyone gets to give me a little eulogy If you want to And I also just don't like the unknown Of it, because everyone's uncomfortable because it's so formal. But it's like it's also not. Like I didn't know when to move. I didn't know. And then you see like these guys.

I don't want to be handled by a dude from a funeral home. I have my buddy carry. Yeah. Like when they're like pushing down the house. That's why I'm so down with cremation because, I mean, can you just imagine like some poor funeral director like with your flaccid dead dick flopping around while he's putting clothes on you

and like draining your body of fluids and shit? Nobody should have to do that. Just throw me in the fire. This is crazy. I don't even mean with like my body body. I mean when I'm in the coffin.

Yeah, yeah. Like I've been a ball bear before and it's like this random dude's giving me instructions on how to carry my body. i mean when i'm in the coffin yeah yeah like i've had a ball bear before and it's like this random dude's giving me instructions on how to carry my buddy it's just like i wish you were just an inert man like a lot easier if i could just carry like a fucking football right now you paid instead you picked like a 8 000 pound oak box you fucking nerd how about this keep six feet of land forever forever you'll be like i this? Keep six feet of land forever. Forever.

You'll be like, I don't need six feet of land forever. That shit's expensive. Crazy. Funerals are crazy expensive. And all for fucking what? No, take that to the bank, man. How about new idea, destination and funerals? Oh.

Meet me in Cabo, bro. I'm dead. Meet you and all your friends down in Cabo because I said so. Now, I love the idea because that's what my dad kind of wants, but you can't just be like, go dump me in Cabo. Yeah, it's got to probably have some meaning.

But also, I don't know. Let's say I let's say i uh let's say cabo because i said so what if i like vacation in cabo like you know every year or some shit and i thought i know it's awesome i'm like you've never been and and and people haven't come i have gone i'm like trust me like me meeting cabo no that means it has meaning that 100 fits all right well maybe maybe i don't have history there but like like i went to santorini once but it was fucking awesome and i feel like i want to make sure everyone in the world has gone there before century has been much because that's like really fucking far but if i if it means like i know you guys are going to get there

and be like holy shit this place is fucking awesome Or does it have to be like, he lived his life there? I think, I mean, you can get your ashes dumped wherever the hell you want. I think I'd be more interested to go if you were like, as my dying wish, I want you guys to go to San Fran together. Right. So that wouldn't necessarily be like your funeral. Like, I guess it could be. It would be like your remembrance trip.

Unless you wanted your ashes dumped there too, then it would kind of count as your funeral. If you died and you read a letter, you'd probably just think, I was with some of my friends. I'd go in a heartbeat. It's a funeral moon. Yeah, there's honeymoons, there's baby moons. Everybody just tacks moon onto the end.

My funeral moon is for all you guys. I'm going to tell you where to go. And I'll have like, I'm going to set it up so that like, when I die, somebody at like, you know, whoever places a call to like the mansion that I wanted to rent out. It's like, it's time you got it. You got to get out like for a week. It's time to rent the house. I told you this was going to happen. All my friends are going to be there for a week. It's, it's,

it's the funeral move. That would be that's, that's legend status. That's the funeral move. That would be, that's legend status. That's legend status. Dude, I think we just revolutionized the funeral game. We gotta open up like a funeral home now. Change the funeral game forever. Let's just delete this and sell the idea.

I don't want to do this. Let me hit with one more M.I.D. asshole. M.I.D. asshole. One more each. M.I. um m.i.d asshole one more quick one one more each uh m.i.d asshole for not telling my girlfriend i had penis enlargement surgery oh i saw this one 25 years old with a 22 year old girl uh i've been with her for a year and a half she moved in with me before the lockdown we were looking through an old photo album of her as a teen and she had a different

nose she admitted to me she had plastic surgery as she was bullied a lot because of her nose at school. I was very accepting as it's not like she got a full-on Barbie surgery and she just fixed an issue that she had with herself. I understand why people get nose jobs and do other stuff to help self-esteem problems. I told her, it's okay. I understand why you got it. I fixed it in security myself when I was a little younger. During my teenage years, I felt very insecure about my penis size. When I was 21, finally had enough, got the enlargement. She asked what I fixed

and I said I got the enlargement surgery. I expected it to be all good, but she was enraged. She yelled at me that I should have told her all about that shit. I was confused because she had no surgery and didn't tell me. I asked her why she was mad. She had a surgery too, and her explanation was,

such a chick. It's just different. So now she's gone cold with me. I kind of feel bad for not mentioning it early on in our relationship, but at the same time, I mean, this is about as open and shut as it gets. What's the difference? Penis enlargement surgery is real?

Yeah. How much can you get back on there? Let's see. Average penis enlargement. That's cost. Enlargement size.

I'm curious. Go on. This study found the average penis no okay let's see how much does it cost my ideas for content oh yeah content uh fifteen thousand for the upfront cost of a thousand dollar deposit it's called penuma which is just funny funny to me. That's just funny. How does the procedure work? Penuma is a crescent-shaped piece of medical-grade silicone inserted under your penis skin to make your penis longer and wider. It's provided in three sizes. This is such good branding.

Three sizes, large, extra large, and extra extra large. There ain't no medium. There ain't no small. We're just big, big, bigger, baby. You can get, let's see, it'll be designed to fit your specific penis shape because, you know, we're all curving and different shit. Not me, straight-arrow-genero.

Okay, yeah, that's... Whatever, dude, fuck you. You can get about an inch and a half to two and a half inches... Wait, hang on. Okay, people who have had the Penuma Procedure Report increases

in length and girth about one and a half to two and a half inches while flaccid and direct. The average male penis, ooh. How many of the average male penises? Was that by that reaction? 4.5? Oh, okay, 3.6 when flaccid. I thought I was going to say 3.6.

I was like, yo, your boy's packing. 3.6 when flaccid, 5.2 when erect. Okay, so here you go. here's a good before and after uh penuma could enlarge a penis at this could make your dick 6.1 inches when flaccid that's a cock yo i'm showing showing out okay so here's this it says you can have a your dick will be 6.1 inches when flaccid and 7.7

when erect which is all well and good give me like an almost 8 inch dick when I'm hard a 6 inch soft dick is fire that's fire if you told me that I could have a 6 inch flaccid dick is fire. That's fire. I'd wear nothing but this. If you told me that I could have a six-inch flaccid dick, but it only goes to six and a half

when erect, I'd sign for that in a heartbeat. Yeah. Yeah. No, okay, but if I gave you the choice of like four flaccid and eight hard, or I just gave you the choice of six flaccid and it goes up I just gave you the choice of six

flaccid and it goes up it's like a drawbridge it stays six inches it just goes up and down I would take the six flaccid yeah that's what a shower is that's like I had a buddy like that in high school who was like he's like yeah it never grows it just comes up like a drawbridge it's so good

if I had a six inch flaccid dick i would i would i'd get i'd change my pants like i'd be in the middle of the office i'd be like sorry guys i gotta just change my pants right now oh look at my six inch flaccid dick that's true that's true man a six inch flaccid dick is my dream you know like how insecure is every male about like if a girl sees my my flaccid dick i either gotta marry her or i gotta kill her like one of the others my flaccid penis is just so embarrassing if i had a six inch tube just flop it in the wind oh that's sexy that's sexy my friend yeah this guy was like i'll marry a guy with a 16 but i'll stop that fucking flashed dick but um but seriously back to the question like i i legit do not think there is any difference at all and i think this girl's being a double standard asshole yeah 100 no difference it's like but i i can't even think

of a joke for what the difference could be. There's no difference. I mean, I guess if a girl told me she got... No. If a girl told me she got a nose job and her tits done, I would think of that the same way. Fuck it.

Yeah, so you're a bitch. You're a bitch. You should be thankful that your boyfriend has a six- six inch flask of dick. Last one here. Am I, this is, I haven't read the story at all. I just read the headline. It's amazing.

So we're going with it. Am I the asshole for calling my brother an uptight loser who isn't as smart as he thinks he is? Let me guess though. I think this is going to be totally justified okay i'm gonna say no yeah that's a hard one like you're just an asshole isn't this smart if you if you decide that i'm not as cool as I think I am, that's so much less mean than I'm not as smart as I think I am. Like, that's why I think you reserve it for people who,

who need it. Like, I think that that guy, if you're going to go that nuclear on him, it's fine. Cause he deserves it. Let's hear it. Me and my brother are wildly different people.

I don't like to think I'm an extrovert, but I do enjoy being out with my friends. I do okay in school, not the best, but not the worst. I'm pretty average, so I won't be getting a scholarship to a good college anytime soon. My brother, on the other hand, is very gifted academically. I'm a year older, but he's in my grade and has been like that since we were six or seven. He's very introverted, and while he does have a friend group, he told me he has never talked to them outside of school. He also looks down on anyone who isn't in the top 10 academically at our school.

All his friends are in the top 10. They constantly talk down to people at the school, and I know this may sound mean, but no one likes them because they're just assholes to everyone and think that no one likes them because they are smart and everyone else is jealous. Yesterday, I wanted to get lunch with my friends. My dad told me I couldn't because he didn't want me to waste the gas or something. I can't really remember. I gave up. I gave up a kind of joking grunt and said, OK, I wasn't going to go. My brother straight up said, maybe instead of going out with your friends, you can work on your studies and get your grades up to mine.

I'm a B occasional C student. I wasn't having it because he always does this sort of crap and looks down on everyone, especially me. I straight up told him, dude, you and your friends are uptight losers who think you're better than everyone because you're smart. College is going to be a real ass kicker because you're not nearly as smart as you think you are. He said, and I quote, what did you just fucking say? I told him I wasn't in the fight and went to my room. Am I the asshole? Nah, you're right.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. I mean, that kid sucks. That guy sucks. And he's right. I think when you get to college, even if you are smart, if you don't know how to hang out at a party or go out or be social, you're going to be the fucking asshole.

I would absolutely rather my kids grow up to be a B.C. student who just knows how like handle themselves than be the academic like weirdo. Dude, I swear to God, the there are a lot of things that say to me, I'm a nice guy to me. And the nicest one in my life is that I wasn't the biggest bully in the world to this one particular kid in elementary and middle school. He was like he was like, oh, no one likes me type kid. He was exactly this kid. His name was go government. His name was James. And he was green pole all the time.

He like, he like had like a fake British accent. It didn't make any goddamn sense. Like his parents weren't British or anything. We, maybe it's just in my head. He just sounds the British cause from memories and he was just smart my head he just sounds British because from memories he's just smart. But he was a fucking really smart, really smart dude. And he was just such a dick and so condescending and such a piece of shit. And I was like, listen here, buddy. I'm way bigger than you.

If I was fucking – if I was nice, I mean if I was mean, I'd bully the shit out of you. And I was trying to be nice to him. And it was like he used to be – I was like, dude, no, no, no. I was trying to be nice to him. And it was like, he used to meet me. I was like, dude, no, no, no. I'm a cool kid here. And I'm trying to be nice to you. Fucking accept it. Accept my gift of fucking benevolence.

Of mercy on you. I think that the best thing you can be... You know what? I run these hallways, dude. I could end your shit in a heartbeat The best kid to be I remember a couple dudes at Fordham Who were like

Like the biggest booze bags The guys who could just make beers disappear Would go like all night long And then I would hear that like Oh that guy's also got like a 4-0 And he never talked about it He didn't define his personality he was just like yeah i'm good at school i get these i get these papers and these test dogs whatever let's like go have some fun best guy to be if you're smart and you make that like everything about yourself it's because you

know you have no personality like that like being like i only respect you if you're in the top 10 it's because it's like well those are the only other people who would even find me interesting because I've got nothing else to offer except my brains so I mean if I I'm trying to think of how low I would want it to go

like what grades would I want my kids to get like a B or C student, fine. A D student, I'd probably have to pick I need you to be smarter than that. I need you to be better. But a C minus, if you're coming home and you've got

all sorts of friends and you're good at sports and you're just like, everybody likes you otherwise, it's like, i got like a 70 on my test again like all right that's okay no big deal i'd be like a 70 that's great you can't be in the 60s that's enough depends on what time if you get anything but A's in elementary school That's bullshit You better be getting A's in elementary school

This is Baseline stuff, it's addition dude In elementary school You're next to like Sometimes you're next to handicapped kids You better be getting this shit There aren't even special needs in this school It's just school

There's no special needs class It's just class And then middle school Middle school you can get a couple B's here High school A couple C's College, what the fuck ever Just get across the stage

Or don't, look, prove positive Doesn't even fucking matter Or not, whatever Yeah, okay. Just get across the stage. Or don't. Look, proof positive. Doesn't even fucking matter. Or not. Whatever. Does not even slightly matter. Let's do our voicemails today, brought to you by Stitch Fix. You know, maybe you got a funeral to go to and you want to look super fly,

but you can't go out to the stores, you can't shop, and you don't trust yourself to just hop online and do online shopping. You want – The best part of quarantine was coming home and finding a pair of my Stitch Fix jeans, the ones that make my legs look so good. They're – fuck, I forget the name of them. Like Modera, Modea, or something like that. They came in my very first Stitch Fix box. I have guarded them with my life they're

unbelievable honestly that's the thing about stitch fix and they're gonna send it every month and you might get like all sorts of shit you like but if you get even one sweatshirt or one sweater or one pair of pants that's like money stitch fix is paying for itself you can't put a value on it it's the best well first of all you don't have to keep everything you just keep the things you like you don't like that stuff send it back but also it's like it's like someone's shopping for you and this is this is big this is big for guys too because when guys go shopping they look at clothes and they go and if it goes the guy's shopping alone he's like that's not really me i couldn't pull that off right right but if someone says someone's there they go you can pull this off this is your spot yep and you know you know maybe i can you try and you're like holy shit i pull this off yeah i look fantastic and that's what everyone

that's what the girl your buddy who like gassy up like nah man you can fucking rock that because you need in the back of your head you want to to, you just need that extra push. Stitch face, get it to you. And also when you're at the store and like the, the person working in the store said it, it's like, ah, I can't really trust you. Like you're, you're just saying that. But if it's a stylist who doesn't really know who I am, he's not seeing face to face and they just send it. And they're just like, I looked at your profile.

I know what's in style. I know what's in season. Like, here you go. That's, that's about it. It's like unbiased that you can get where it's like, this is just like what you should be wearing right now in the world for summer 2020 and every season it changes. And every time you change your, your, your, your size or your profile, they keep it updated and Stitch Fix just keeps it coming. You got pants, shirts, inwear, outwear, accessories,

I think shoes sometimes. And like John said, you only keep what you want. And when you keep everything in your first box, you can go ahead and get a 25% discount. So go to stickypix.com slash KRC. You make the profile. You say what brands you like, what colors you like. They'll send make the profile. You'd say what brands you like, what colors you like. They'll send you the box. You keep everything in that first box to get the discount. And then moving

forward, whatever you want. You can keep everything. You can keep nothing. You don't pay for anything you don't keep. And breaking news, they got stuff for men. They got stuff for women. And they got stuff for kids now all over the US and the UK. So So girls can get in on this. You can do it for your kids. And guys, as always, you're going to look sharp at Stitch Fix. No commender required. You only pay for what you keep. Shipping, exchanges, and returns are always for free. And there's a $20 styling fee that's baked into it,

so you're not even paying extra for a stylist to suit you up. Go to stitchfix.com slash KFC. Get 25% off your purchase box when you keep everything. Voicemails. What do we got, Nicky? KFC, Fikes, BC. Got a quick hypothetical for you. So suppose all you had to do in order to learn a foreign language was nail the accent. So you're still speaking English. Like you just got to nail speaking with that accent. How many languages do you think you would be proficient in, or totally fluent, or just, like, close to being able to actually speak? Later. Well, John pretends to speak Spanish, so

I'm gonna cede the floor to him. I, I, right now, how many languages do I speak? Goddamn, I speak 15, 20. All of them? Actually speak you speak like one and a half you speak irish and a little bit of jamaican because that's just what happens when you do accents it just devolves into that same voice every time but what you're talking about kevin i think i do the answer the irish brogue is perfect look at here look at here don't you talk don't you come around here talking shit about the Irish brogue. This accent right here is perfect

Kevin. What else? What else would you like me to say? What else could I possibly prove to you? Huh? Now would you like me to go Jamaican man? That's it. You speak Gaelic and you speak I speak Southern no doubt about that. No, sirree.

I'm fluent in southern, you hear? In Spanish and German, of course I speak German, Kevin. I speak German all the time. All the time I can do this is the language. And what about the Portuguese? Do I know Portuguese? Portuguese, Portuguese. I know how? Portuguese!

I know how to speak Portuguese. I'm Italian. I'm Italian. I do Italian. I do Italian all the time. Your Italian just became Indian for a second. Give me a little Australian, Don.

Well, mate, is this what you like? You want an Australian accent? I'll get it for you, kid. Ha ha! Listen here, bro. When I get the blood diamonds, I don't know.

Wow. I applaud you for even trying to go diamonds. Wow. Wow. I applaud you for even trying to go there. That was special. You speak, I mean, at least eight languages. Yeah, man. I speak fucking crazy languages. If you had a resume right now, have you ever had a resume?

Not once in my life. Not once. You white privileged motherfucker. You never ever had a resume? Not once in my life. Not once. You white privileged motherfucker. You never even had a resume. Dude, that's crazy. You know what I'm gonna make you do? I'm gonna make you make a resume. Why? For content. I want to see your resume.

I want to see what you could even put on that fucking thing. Landscape one summer. Yeah, okay. That counts. Bartending, that counts. I want to see how you – you know when you say like – remember when I was saying that being like a funeral director is like party planning services? Like you can just package it up different ways? I want to see you put lipstick on that thing.

I'm going to intentionally make it funny because, like, I know what it's for. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. You have to get me fired, and then I have to go find a job. That would be a good content piece. But particularly at the bottom where you put, like, other skills. Like, people used to put, like, I'm proficient in microsoft excel and i i'm like casual with powerpoint i mean i don't think you you're like i can tweet and that's that's about it i speak i would definitely put spanish um and all the other languages proficient in eight languages and uh i would put um i can cleat a boat so okay that's like uh transportation uh like maintenance

all right um i don't i i would love i would love just someone being like like it says here you're fluent in southern what does that mean exactly And then you just break into an accent. This is like a Charlie Kelly episode of Sunny. Oh, you're Australian? G'day, mate. How you doing? What does it mean that you're Southern? Well, sir, how much time you got?

I do declare I'm Southern. I don't even know what the question was in the voice. Oh, the language is, you're fluent. You're a world traveler. Next up. Hey, KFC5, people producer BC. So a quick hypothetical.

Would you rather be able to only take baths for the rest of your life, so no showers, you don't have to commit 20 30 minutes to being in there or never be able to brush your teeth again thanks i mean what are we doing here wait what was it never brush your teeth again or what so yeah you got no showers you gotta take baths i mean it's an easy peasy one i think there's good precedent on both sides i think i think maybe there's a good question here somewhere but this isn't it i mean i can't just not brush my teeth okay i was getting scared for a minute that you were going to go the opposite direction if you're still giving me like a more appropriate would be like you don't get to bathe your body it's like clean your mouth

yeah that's a good question yeah that i mean baths are i enjoy baths not to like shit like when you clean your body in a bath, that's gross because then you're sitting in your own filth. That's still an option to clean yourself versus... You have no teeth. You're like George Washington. It's just not even a fucking option. Have you taken a bath remotely recently?

Have I taken a bath what? Remot remotely recently? Um, not in this apartment. I've been here for like two years. I fuck with that. Huh? Do dicks still float?

Mine doesn't sink. Like when you were a kid, it was kind of float there. Does it do that now with just more dick? Yeah, they're buoyant. Your dick's still buoyant. Yeah. I think so. I don't know.

I never really looked at this. I never really looked and see if my dick was floating. We'll have to ask Chaps. I'm curious. I wonder if it was just the weight of a baby penis. What's the mass of your penis? That's really what it's about. Buoyancy and displacement, I don't get it. I know it's something to do with mass and

density, not just weight. If my dick's heavy enough, I don't think it matters. What about the no-cleaning body? What's your take on that one? If it's you know what about what the the no cleaning body what's it what's your take on that one if it's no clean the body or no clean the mouth yeah it's still gotta be the mouth because you can i mean it trust me it would be a catastrophe but there's uh deodorant and body sprays and stuff if your teeth are rotting out of your head it's a no-go you're not getting a job you're not getting you're not getting a girlfriend you're not getting a guy who only brushes his teeth once a week you no you don't you don't you like never

brush your teeth in the mornings or something like that i don't brush my teeth at night i'm brushing during the day see i i like i like no matter what time i decide i'm ready for bed i like three four o'clock in the morning i'll wake up i get up out of bed and go brush my teeth. I have to. Well, you especially have to because, like, you're going to knock, like, four or five Sour Patch kids out of, like, your molars at any given moment. So. Hey, what's up, KFC?

So, you know, I'm a pretty fit dude. I stay in shape usually, but, you know, Corona's been hard on all of us, and, you know, I'm not getting flabby or nothing or putting on too much weight, but it's, you know, a little bit more in areas that it's not usually there, just with the limited workout equipment I got. But I was driving in my car the other day with my girl, and, you know,

no one looks flattering sitting down in a car seat and it kind of pushes out your gut a bit and she had the the audacity to reach over and like scratch my belly and be like oh what a what a cute little tummy there and I wasn't so much offended as just like dumbfounded that she would say that. And also like had to be silent and not even respond because I don't know how to even react to that and still have a happy relationship. So I guess my question for you guys is just what's the most ridiculous thing a girl has ever said to you that you would get slapped in the next Sunday if you said to her? All right. Thanks, boys. Well, I was going to say, you know, you want to combat this.

You got to be like, oh, yeah, it's about as fat as your ass, lady, or whatever. Just let her fucking have it. It's as big as your love handles. It's as fat as your stomach. It is. I mean, could you imagine doing that? You reach over to a girl and you scratch her belly and you're like, woohoo! Like the fucking Pillsbury Doughboy?

It'd be a problem. It'd be a big problem. Yeah, it'd be a big problem, Kevin. It'd be a big problem. I mean, I don't think you can say anything too critical about any body part or facial feature or anything, you know?

To anybody? to anybody but definitely not your girlfriend like there's no way we had this conversation a couple weeks ago like what do you say to your girl if she's getting fat you'll say fucking anything you should not have a fat girlfriend that's about how it goes that's it um

the uh yeah I honestly don't know what the answer here is this is like this is a question as old as time there's just nothing you can say there's nothing it's it's over i think the only thing like right this moment right now i think you can't be the one to bring it up but if like a girl is talking about like her eyebrows or the roots or something, if there's like something out of her control, I think you maybe could like reply to it or something.

I don't know. I'm trying to think of a way that you can say anything to her where it's just like so obvious that it's not your fault. But no, I think if any, at any point, if you say something about a girl's appearance and rightfully so, as we keep talking about learning and shit here, it's like a guy's appearance doesn't really fucking matter.

And a girl's appearance, it does. And so when their appearance is not great, it's way fucking worse. So they can scratch your fat belly. Because guess what? You can still make money and get laid and have friends and all that shit with a fat belly. It's the same for girls. Dude, that happens to me when I wake up a little spoon. And it's just like my belly is just getting like coddled the gravity the gravity that occurs when your little

spoon sitting on its side and your your belly almost has this like slope downwards and then it just plateaus out and your fat just rests on the bed oh you just have like a hand like strapped under it i I'm like, what the hell, man? Girls in movies and stuff set alarms when they're in a new relationship to go do makeup and come back in bed. I gotta set an alarm to move your hand so you don't

wake up before me and feel my fucking fat gut. Last voicemail before we get into Bill Burr. It's brought to you by Aveo. For all my people out there with the blind eyes, you need some daily contact lenses, Aveo's got you covered. They're easy and convenient, which are two things that everybody needs right now. If you're working from home, you're staring at screens, you're chasing kids around the yard all day,

wouldn't it be nice to have comfortable, technologically advanced contacts that get delivered right to your door? It's soothing, hydrating contacts with all-day comfort at an affordable price that get delivered right to your door. No more buying crazy expensive boxes. No more buying bulk where you buy like hundreds of contacts at once. It's the only subscription contact lens company that offers both regular daily contacts and daily toric contacts for astigmatism. They're designed to keep your eyes healthy. They have aqualock technology that keeps your lenses 96% hydrated, even after 12 hours of wear. Available as you customize your delivery schedule, get them as often as you want on your schedule. And they're manufactured in state-of-the-art

clean room facilities that's fully automated. So no germs, no nonsense. Plus, they offer free returns within 30 days of unopened boxes. Right now, you're going to get the best deal you've ever heard on contact lenses. For $1, for $8, you can get a 10-day trial pack for $1. So go to Aveo, A-V-E-O, vision.com slash KFC. Get a 10-day trial pack for $1. You're not going to get this deal anywhere else. Go to Aveo, vision.com slash KFC. What's up, boys? So I got a weird question for you. All right, I'm just going to jump into it.

Do you think that you could give a better handjob than a regular girl now think about it so like how many times have you tricked yourself off like thousands of times random girls not given thousands of handjobs usually they stop giving handjobs at like I don't know what

7th grade just when it's the last day of handjob so do you think you could give a better handjob than a girl? I think it depends on what girl we're talking about. I think if it's, you know, your average girl, your average girlfriend, yes.

If we're talking about the Asians at a rub and tug, those girls will jerk you off. They'll pull your dick clean off your body. I think it's no straight across the board. Really? Yeah. First of all, I don't like the lotions and stuff so i'm out on that so they're already i'm already playing with the advantage handicap and then also i i'm not good with the same piece of work but a different tool like right hand i lost. So if you give me a whole new tool, I don't even know what I'm doing over there.

Let me explain to you how I would jerk a guy off. When I tie my kid's shoes, I find it hard to tie shoes from head on. Like I'm used to looking down at a shoe. Now I'm looking at the shoe. So when I tie my kid's shoes, I get like behind them and i tie it the same way if i was jerking you off i would reach around your stomach and jerk your dick off

like it was my own and then i would give you a fire hand job if you expect me to do it looking at you it would be a disaster but if i could reach around your fat belly and jerk you off it would be perfect so still like it was in bed you'd be like head toe but like like back further yes exactly that's how you give a good hand job folks and if that's what we're talking about i give a great hand if it's if it's otherwise if i gotta jerk you off like i'm kneeling or laying down nope but if i can do it like i do it it, I'm going to make it come, bro. Yeah. If I got to be staring down the business end, I'm in trouble. If I can hold my point of view.

Think about if you, if you look, this is girls, God bless them. When you look into the hole, when you're looking at a dick hole and staring back at you, that's gross. That's disgusting. And honestly, I watched a porn the other day with a guy who was uncircumcised. And it's just, any porn that has a guy who's uncircumcised, don't show me the dick before it's popping out of the room. That's unbelievably off-putting, okay? That's talking dicks with KSU Radio.

Let's talk to our buddy Bill Byrne. He's a friend of ours now. I'd love to sit down with Bill, crack open a Miller Lite, and talk about the NFL in like the 1960s. The NFL before the merger. Football prior to the NFL to Super Bowl III. Bill Byrne

loves talking old school sports. I want to sit down and talk about Bruins hockey with him. I want to sit down and talk about stand-up comedy with him. You have a beer with a guy like Bill and you end up sharing some great stories. And that's what Miller Lite is always there for. It's bringing people together, whether you're doing it over Zoom,

like we're about to do with Bill, whether you're doing it in the same room with your family and friends, whether we're done with quarantine and you get back out there and go to the bar, summertime, you're drinking on the beach, on your boat, whatever it may be Miller life, the go-to beer. If you want great taste, less filling,

and the number one beer to share stories, have laughs and stay connected during these crazy ass times. Everybody could use a beer right now to just take the edge off, relax, and keep the conversation going. Having a conversation over a Miller Lite is one of the most enjoyable things you can do. You can get it delivered to your house right now from your local bars and restaurants. You can get it delivered from the apps. And right now, there's more now than ever, you got to have that Miller Lite. It's the original Lite beer. So enjoy the classic.

It's available for delivery, like I said. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories, 3.2 carbs for 12 ounces. Bill Burr, let's talk to him. Hello, hello. What's up, Billy? How we doing?

What's going on? Oh, the COVID beard. I love it. Hey, guys. Got one. I've been getting crushed every time. I like it. I like it. Both of you guys, man. I love it. Yes! Got one. I've been getting crushed every time. I like it. I like it.

Both of you guys, man. Hey, man. I haven't gotten a haircut. I haven't shaved since. So we'll see how long this shit goes on for. I don't know. Well, it's good. It is playoff time.

That's right. Yeah, right. Just making our own playoff beards. How are you guys doing? Your family safe and good and everything? Yeah. Yeah, everything. You know, I'm concerned about people who aren't able to continue making a living in the next six

weeks so uh you know all of these people out there twerking at the beach whatever the fuck they're doing i hope nothing happens to them and uh you know people can get back to work you know i don't know somebody just sent me something that they found like 24 cases of this new strand of it that actually affects children i'm just like what the fuck it's it's gotten the the overload of it has gotten like this is like like a coward's way out with it but like it's gotten so much i'm like i just tell me when i'm allowed what to do like i did that i did that the first day. I haven't watched the news the whole time.

I have no fucking idea. I was late to the whole, you got to get vitamin D. That shit's all gone. Well, honestly, I feel like everybody would be better off because now apparently all of a sudden everyone's a fucking scientist, an economist, a brilliant doctor. I mean, everybody apparently can talk on these topics. Because they're sick of being home.

And I feel like they're just saying or seeking out information that tells them. What they want. Yeah, what they want to hear so they can go back to work and shit. And then you got, what's his face there? Just saying crazy shit and then saying he was being sarcastic, which in a way was, was almost worse. Right. What a great time to be sarcastic.

I'm going to, I'm going to do it so well. Nobody knows I'm fucking around. It's just like, sure. That makes sense. I'm fucking around it's just like sure that makes sense I'm trying so hard to root for that guy I'm trying so hard to stick up for him because it is not 100% his fault it's a world issue right now and the amount of people out there who are just doing whatever the f they want to continue this thing going it's not 100% him But when you say to inject household cleaners into your body. And then be like, just fucking with you. Got you. I'm just like, oh, boy.

The thing is, too, the thing is so crazy. There aren't people who just, like, there are people who just listen to things. I know. You just go out and do that. And I think, like, I saw, like, an ER doctor in, like, New York york or somebody tweeted like today we had someone come in who had been drinking bleach and they were like the president said it's like it's like why would you like it's almost hard to play that's how hard like if you think sports fans are loyal and can't see the cheap shot artists on their own team when you get into politics right the sports is just sports at the end of the day

your team chokes or whatever another city gives you shit it sucks or whatever but this is literally messing with people's belief systems in the afterlife uh their ability to make a living and all that so this is gonna get crazy so i'm just trying to be like you know i feel like it's still gonna get worse before it gets better i feel like we're in like the middle of it people think we're coming to the end of it but anyway uh oh they just keep saying they're gonna open up cities the way like you know when your flight's delayed that's just gonna be another 20 minutes there's gonna be another 20 minutes they just keep going i don't know what to do like we're new york is for sure gonna be the last place open am i just gonna stay here until it's open you start leaving i just start leaving? I don't know.

I don't know, but the good thing is we picked a business where you can actually do this stuff and still have a few advertisers. For real. I was saying that to my cousin the other day. He came over, and I was like, he's like, how's things going? We're playing basketball socially distant. And I was like, I'm very lucky. I'll be honest. I'm a little sick of it. I wish I could go

out, but I'm good. There are plenty of people who can't work, can't get food. I'm, I'm very lucky. Like, I'll be honest. I'm a little sick of it. I wish I could go out, but like, I'm good. You know, there are plenty of people who are can't work, can't get food, you know, I'm getting like food delivered, all that stuff. Like it's, it's fine. But it is like, it's getting to the point where at first I was like, just stay home. And now I'm like, I get wanting to be outside even a little bit. Well, here's the thing. Like the more densely populated it is, the more hardcore you have to be.

Like, I got a buddy of mine, lives out in, like, Tennessee. And he goes, it's not like the way it is, like, in New York or even, like, in L.A., where everybody's just sort of really slammed in together. Where if someone does something stupid, like, you know, out here, a bunch of kids had a party like I would if I was their age. And there was some kid out there coughing like, oh, imagine if I had it. And then he did. And then he started like a, he or she started a mini breakout out there. So even that one, I don't get mad at the kids.

It's the parents where somewhere along the line between my parents and whatever goes on now, parents, these people stop being afraid of their parents and now they're sort of buddies with them like if you were i don't know 16 17 whatever years old would you be like sneaking out and partying or were you too afraid of your old man to do any of that shit uh both i would probably get out at least once or twice a month. I would, because all my friends would have been doing it. And then they'd be like, Oh, what the fuck, man? You're in like the Brady Bunch house. And that would have been enough to be like, no, I'm not. And I would have done it. So

I guess I feel for their parents too. Cause like how, like the level of communication that exists between kids now is like the level of communication that exists between kids now is like the CIA had that when I was a kid they're gonna be like yeah I'm upstairs see yeah like you can just anywhere you're walking around you have this device that can video and all this shit so you got a bunch of J Edgar Hoover's walking around like 15 years old I mean I can't imagine the dumb shit I would have done if you gave me that sort of stuff, you know? Being a teenager now, I don't even know how they do it. The amount of shit that can go online and the video, it's all fucking crazy, man.

But last night, both John and I got an advanced copy of King of Staten Island. Oh, okay. It's fucking awesome. Oh, thank God. I'm really not just saying that. I really enjoyed it. It's a bomb squad cast. I know that you did Breaking Bad and Mandalorian

and you have acting experience, but this was a fucking hell of a performance, Bill. You did some heartfelt acting. If you weren't one of... First of all kevin and i like we get a lot of you know screeners obviously because we have guests on and like you're in the mix i think you're trying to say you're in the mix we have some guests here and there no big deal but we

never we never like watch at the same time and text throughout the whole thing and we were both like hey you know we're popping it on right now so the whole time like this is fucking unbelievable and i one point i said if you weren't the greatest one of the greatest comedians ever i would start thinking of you as an actor who does comedy because you were so good in this how's that oh nice boy there you go it was the mustache man the mustache uh i think it is because a lot of people think it's fake so i was like all right that's cool i was gonna ask you it's not fake no it's real i i had a feeling that was real i see i you you can grow a good one i had a feeling that was the real deal do you think about keeping it no it was driving me nuts because uh Soda Kenny, my tour manager, I was saying, all right, dude, because he's, you know, former cop.

He goes, you got to grow it where the hair covers the top lip. And that was just like, you know. Yeah, I tried to keep food simple. You want a little hollandaise sauce? No, I'm all set on that. Just give me uh have the eggs scrambled hard i'll have dry toast because it was just like it was driving me not like it was if i wasn't eating it wasn't bad like if i had hat and sunglasses all with that mustache

i was just a complete like i was looking like i i was a completely different dude right and i was kind of looking at me like who the fuck is this guy? This is kind of, this is like, my wife hated it. Oh, sure. That's unbelievable that it was real. Because I almost didn't ask if it was real. Because I didn't want you to call me an idiot. You know what's funny is there's another movie I did.

And they had me use a fake one. And I was going like, you know, I can grow one. They're like, no, no, it's cool. It's cool. And, you know, because grow one they're like no no it's cool it's cool and you know because it's also like when they put it together the cinematographer there's a certain look that they're looking at so sometimes a fake one actually looks better I don't know how it works but what having a fake mustache when they glue that shit on that stuff that they put underneath you you got to have like a mini fan blowing the fumes away

and you just hold your breath and they put it on you. And then the whole time you're doing it, it's like, it's constantly, it's coming up here and someone's got to do it again. And it's like, look, this is nothing compared to those people

that like underneath the things with the straws up their nose, but like just a fake mustache was enough for me to be like, yeah, I don't need to be doing any uh close encounter type shit what else have you done if anything that really compared to like this role is this like the the deepest you've ever gone with acting i know like i said i know you know i'm familiar with some of your work but are you uh are there other roles where you're doing, you know, fatherhood and love and kids and all that shit? Oh, I see what you mean.

Yeah, no, this is the first time a character of mine ever had like a romantic sort of storyline. And I was really, I was, I was having a panic attack. Like I was saying to my wife, I should have said no to this. I can't fucking do this. I'm just, you know, I can play an asshole, you know, and I was really to my wife, I should have said no to this. I can't fucking do this. I'm just, you know, I can play an asshole, you know, and I was really in my head and I had to kind of do the whole, dude, just like chill out. All right.

You know, like onscreen kiss. I never did that before. I was going to say, I mean, you know, make it out with Marissa Tomei is no fucking joke. Hey, no fucking joke. Hey, no fucking joke. Yeah, no, I was nervous about all of that, but I just was like, all right, Bill, have you ever kissed a woman before?

Yes, okay, do that. Why are you acting like you're like 14 again? I mean, it is different in front of a camera, though. I can kiss a girl. In front of a camera? Dude, when we did the kiss in front of the house Like the way they shot it Like the neighbors Just regular people were sitting on their stoop

Watching the whole process As we're going like Is this like a kiss kiss Is this just a quick goodbye Like thank god I got to do it Like with such an experienced, like, actor. Like, she just knew the whole, the ins and outs of the whole thing. And I'll tell you, dude, she, like, I've worked with some amazing people.

Like, she might be the best I ever worked with. She was unbelievable. And there was so much stuff that she was doing that I didn't even notice. Because, you know, you get your lines in your head, you know, like trying to not look at the camera and stuff. So when I actually watched it, it was all this subtle stuff that she was doing. I mean, you saw her play Edith Bunker right before it too,

which I finally watched because everybody told me how hard she crushed it. And I was already nervous about working with somebody who had won an Oscar. So I was like, all right, I'm not going to watch that because I'm already in my head enough. But yeah, the stuff screaming at Pete, that was easy because we. Yeah. When you start, you know, you're like, you're fucking kidding. I'm like, all right, it's Bill. He's doing it. And then it was like it took a turn. It was a whole new guy. It was great. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that was I think that that was all like uh the way judd and pete put it together that it was kind of cool that the i don't want to give away too much but the first time people see me is like the first impression of pete and his family or whatever so it was really cool how they edited it that way and um yeah there's so many And not to mention, there's so many Amazing people in the thing That I got to work with I never worked with Dom Lombardozzi Before, he was on The Wire, Boardwalk Empire My favorite, I can't say this stuff

Because I don't want to ruin it, Steve Buscemi Everybody Even like Machine Gun Kelly, Action Bronson Just like little roles Action Bronson was hilarious Action Bronson, like just like little roles. Action Bronson was hilarious. Action Bronson was like, he just kind of threw a wall, Bill. Huh?

Action Bronson once threatened me to throw me through a wall. Our interview did not go well. Oh, okay. Well, I don't know. I had a good time. I would like to see that. Bill, I had a good time too. Wilbur just sat there like, all right, go ahead and do it.

I was like, fuck you. I turtled. I was like, Kevin, you're on your own on this one, bud. Yeah, well, I would not want him to get his hands on me. That's a strong dude. I love this show, too. You ever watch that show, Fuck That's Delicious? Mm-hmm.

It's amazing. I mean, those guys are like, it's funny to look at them. You'd think that they were eating at, like, White Castle. No. You look at them like, oh, that's all gourmet food. That's legit. How was Pete? I mean, Pete's had a crazy rise and, you know, public life and all that shit.

I thought you guys had like an unbelievable rapport. Did you know him beforehand through comedy or anything? Or was that the first experience? Yeah, I met, believe it or not, I met Pete. I was doing, Jim Norton put together this tour, which I swear to God, this was a show. It was unbelievable. It was called the Anti Antisocial Network Tour. And it was Jim Norton, Dave Attell, Jim Brewer, and myself. So I used to watch all three of those because I'm a huge fan of all of those guys. And

like, you know, when I first came to New York, Jim Brewer and Dave Attell, they were like gods. And like, I remember there was a couple of guys like, uh, Pete Correale used to go on the road with, um, with, um, with Brewer. And I remember thinking like, wow, man, he knows those guys. It was amazing thing. So just to be on, it was incredible. So anyway, so we did the tour and, uh, I was down in Atlantic city. And of course the day of that, the Bruin, the fucking Patriots played the Jets and lost at home that game. Then all these guys in the front row had Jets jerseys on, man. I got, I got trashed doing that show. So I'm coming out the next day out of the lobby, out of the hotel

lobby there, whatever casino where you're at. And I'm like, I was like ducking out, you know, trying to make sure I don't get trashed by jet fans. And, uh, this woman came up to me with this tall, skinny kid. And she's just going like, we thought you were so funny last night.

This is my son. He wants to be a comedian. And he was just kind of standing there. Right. And I never forgot him. He just, I guess what you like. He's nine feet tall. Well,

he also has like that. He has that it thing that they say in the business he just has it and I remembered it and I was like yeah I she said she drove already driven him to his first open mic so I was like I said hey man you're doing it right I didn't start till I was like 23 almost 24 it's a young man's game you know he asked me a couple questions I think he was really like sort of awkward and shy or whatever and then years later when I met him he goes you know I don't know if you remember this and he started telling the story I go outside the elevator that tall skinny kid that's you he's like

yeah yeah yeah so yeah so we always kind of had that cool thing and um as he you know rose up so fast I think I got to know him like after i got to really know him after he got on like snl and stuff and like he started to do like started selling tickets and stuff and i was in new york or something and he was asking me questions you know because promoters try to steal from you and all of that like you know the ins and outs of the business yeah yeah yeah that's it so we kind of got to know each other uh that way he did a patrice o'neill um he did one of the benefits for that and i just you know he just was always like and i remember when i watched him doing stand-up his poise um and what he was talking about really impressed me and so i was like all right this guy

you know it's all if they stick with it if they have the work ethic you don't get sidetracked and like this guy is gonna be uh yeah he's gonna be a force with I was talking about earlier with like the nerves of you know Marissa Tomei first kiss and all that having to do that on top of having to like act someone's real life or a semi real life like that that must have been really weird to have to do that I top of having to like act someone's real life or a semi real life like that that must have been really weird to have to do that i remember in the movie honey boy lucas hodges says with like shia labeouf he was like kind of asking for permission to like go to certain levels was there ever any of that with you were you like i don't know if i should say this because it's like

you know he's real um yeah there was a couple that a a couple jokes talking about Pete's character's dad, the one who died in the hotel fire, not the real, not his real dad. Right. So there's a couple jokes where I was kind of like, I don't know if my character could say that and Marissa's character would still like me. And then there was, but most of it was the firehouse stuff.

And that was the stuff where it was like, you know, we went one day we all met all the people that worked with Pete's dad. And we went down to the firehouse where he was at and they had all the 9-11 stuff up on the wall and they had pictures of his dad and all that. And then I was just like,

oh my God, what have I got myself into? I have to joke I have to do this justice yeah so there was like you know the cool thing about firemen is they bust balls the way comedians do so there was a couple you know the number of aside from Steve Buscemi who actually was a firefighter before he became an actor. There was a number of people on the show. Mario, John Sorrentino, just really that actually, John actually knew Pete's dad, was in the firehouse at some period when his dad was over there.

I can't quite remember, but like he was a guy, I was, those were the guys I was always going over to was like, does that sound right? Does that sound like real? They're like, great, great, great. Or like, do it more like this. Or don't put the mask on like that. Don't go like this.

You're a boss. You sit there and you do all this, you know, all the whole firehouse etiquette. And I would just sit there listening. You know what I mean? I mean, it was definitely more than just growing the big stupid mustache. I just would have looked like me with a mustache.

So look the part like, you know, in the scenes where you're in action and shit. And you're you know, you got the gear on and everything. It was like as far as I know, it was the hottest fucking day. I knew it was going to be of the summer. Yeah, it was just like the way they lined it up. It was the last week of July. Last week of July. I'm going to shoot the fire in the Bronx. I'm like, all right.

So I remember the day before was actually wasn't that hot. And we were driving up to block the scene. You know what I mean? So we all knew what we were going to do. So the next day we would put on all of that shit. But I have to say, they went out of their way with like the mobile air conditioners and all that type of shit i can't i can't imagine like and what's so funny it was a hollywood fire so you do a couple of takes be like oh oh give me the i don't know how these guys really do it because that equipment is is so

fucking heavy it's ridiculous so um we drove me and dom drove up i remember smoking a cigar in his car on the way up just having just laughing talking about how great our lives were and this is we're actually getting paid on the clock driving but we just we'd shot something in the morning out in staten island then we were heading up to the bronx where we were going to shoot the fire um scene and uh we had a great time. I mean, all those people that I worked with, Hank, Giselle, all of those guys that played the firefighters, we, it was great. We just, after a while, it was kind of became like, we were just all busting chops anyway. Giselle was another one who was a actual firefighter. So it just became like this amalgam of firefighters

and actors all and you know stand-up comics all just giving each other shit so we would just be giving each other shit before the camera rolled during and then after jimmy tatro was unreal i'm trying to remember everybody's name i should have had all this stuff in front of me but um it was awesome dude it was really uh it was a lot of fun and so now's, it's going on demand because of quarantine and coronavirus and all that shit. Yeah. Because you can't two things. One, you can't go to the movie theater and then that, that trolls movie,

that kid trolls movie, like destroyed. Right. I think it's going to be, I mean, a big hit in quarantine. Yeah. So then I think people will going like, oh, all right. So there's a bunch of parents with quarantine kids. There's a bunch of people like you guys sitting there. I'm losing my fucking mind. I need, I can't watch trolls. Can you give me something?

So that's what we're, we're, we're hoping for. I think it's gonna, I think I got to – I got a good feeling about this one. I got a great, great feeling. I was worried about, like, how much ball-washing I was going to do when we got on this podcast because I love the movie so much. You don't have to do that. I literally – all I did was, you know, stand up. It's acting.

You stand on a piece of tape and you say what somebody else wrote. Oh, okay. It's stand-up comedy. You just stand on stage and make jokes. You can do that with anything, Bill. Yeah, but with stand-up comedy, it's just like the crowd can attack you and you get humiliated and you're up there by yourself. No one can say like, okay, cut.

All right, now in this one, try it this way. All right, all right. But when was the last time you bombed, Bill? Huh? When was the last time you bombed? Has it been a long time? Oh, no. Really?

No, it was recent. Get out of here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a different kind of bombing. It's because I know how to do it. I can handle it. Yeah.

You know? It's like getting down by 20 and you don't panic. Right. You know? Halftime. We're fine. Game of runs.'ll get them back um let's see i did uh yeah right before the pandemic i was popping into like

bars that were doing stand-up just because i just had a bunch of stuff I wanted to try out and the comedy store is just jam-packed every night and there was somebody up in the belly room because I usually go up to the belly room to try stuff out I was just like hey let me get out of this this area and I went and it was I don't know it was just a very it was like radio audience. Like we appealed to white males, 18 to 34. This was like, I don't know what the deal was, but I just got a lot of oohs and oohs. It wasn't like I was bombing, bombing, but probably maybe last summer, I was trying out this bit about this lesbian

who bumped into me on purpose. And I did the bit and I got like halfway through it. And I didn't realize it was sort of a the gay show I should have known because it was all these these like these penises with the balls all like these little papers I don't know why you probably notice yeah I don't know why because on the on the straight show there's not like vaginas with a dick going into it I don't understand and especially when you have all these extreme people on the right saying they're ungodly and all this type of shit, you know,

you're kind of steering into it that went, okay, it's gay night. And then there's a bunch of dicks on the stage or whatever. Wasn't my party. I crashed it. So I went up on stage and I did the bit and it was my first night telling it. And I got about three quarters of the way through it and these two women yelled out in unison. So I think they planned it. They said, lesbians aren't trying to be men or lesbians aren't men or something. And I got into it with them. It escalated to a fuck you, fuck you. And, you know it was classic stand-up comedy security they they kick the person out just a half an inch past the door don't lock the door and then like

well that's that so i got off stage and i was like where are they they're like oh they're gone they're gone they're gone i'm like they're gone he goes yeah they're my guy so i put the hoodie up start walking through the restaurant anticipating the second i get outside they're gone? He goes, yeah. I'm like, all right. So I put the hoodie up, start walking through the restaurant, anticipating the second I get outside, they're going to be there, right? I didn't even get outside. They were at the bar. Hey, fucking, fuck you, fuck all that stuff, right? And I gave it right back to him.

I looked like I was arguing a call with two female umpires. So then I walked down the street and it took me about uh three days before i kind of came down from it and i was thinking like all right do i want to be doing that not like i was like mad for three days but every time i think of it i'd be like you know i'd be whispering to myself and maybe you could let me finish the fucking joke saying all the shit i wanted to say right um i just started thinking like all right is that the reaction that you want from that joke no not worth it right you still want to tell a story yes then you need to tell a story that this story the way a lesbian's gonna hear it and not think that I'm a is gonna hear it the way

that I'm saying it and don't think that I'm like some Trump supporter, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it ended up being a great bomb because like within six weeks of that, I remember being in LA and I did the same joke and this lesbian came up to me afterwards and she goes, I felt like you were talking about my life. And I was just like,

because that's what I was going for what it ended up becoming it's a long story I ended up meeting somebody on the film who was gay and I was bitching about my wife one day and she started bitching about her girlfriend and it was the exact

same conversation I was like holy shit and then that became the end. Right, right, right. That became the end on the joke. Right. And then it became rather than, uh, you know, this straight guy saying this shit about this lesbian, we all became people dating women. Right. And the whole thing came together. So, yeah. So that's the thing too. Why, you know, during this whole time when, you know, people will film like a little, a little clip and then be like, Oh, you know, he said that, and that means this and blah, blah, blah, blah. And

it's just like, you know, like jokes are just constantly like a work in progress or even like, you know, I'm reading, reading this book right now, uh, called the code. Do you guys ever read that? It's a hockey book no i think it's ross bernstein uh joe bartnick i don't know if you guys had him on you joe bartnick puck off podcast he he gave it to me and i finally got around to reading it and they were talking about that todd bertuzzi hit and and i remember when they showed it and i was like oh man oh god that's terrible and everything and this book gets into all the soap opera that leads up to the moment and talks about how ESPN all these people don't watch hockey

just watch the moment and go it's a barbaric sport blah blah blah so it's really fascinating it's a really fascinating book because I love the fights in hockey but the more i read the book i still find it fascinating that they haven't figured out a way to police the game without having the players police it and i think that's part of not being a professional hockey player because i'm just like well why don't you just punish people that do shit like that to a fucking level that they won't do it. But it's, it's, it's like, this is the best book I've ever read. It's called the code Ross Bernstein. As far as breaking down, I mean, I've watched it hockey for 40 years. I didn't know a lot of this shit.

As far as how that whole thing works, all the fights from like switch the momentum to the, the, you know, six games ago, soap opera stuff. It's really, really fascinating. How you hold it up. I got a book recommendation for you, Bill. It's Ice Time.

It's a true story of the, I think it's 99-2000, Methuen High School hockey team. It's awesome. It's like the writer gets embedded with the team and follows them through the Massachusetts High School State playoff games. It's fucking really it's a, the writer gets embedded with the team and follows him through the Massachusetts high school state playoff games. It's fucking really, really sick. It's called Ice Time, A Tale of Father, Sons, and Hometown Heroes. It's a great hockey book.

I remember I used to go, I used to watch my high school team and we made it deep into the finals one time. And then we played a private school that just, you know, they had the number one draft picks from every frigging town. It's, it, it was stupid. It was like, it was kind of foreshadowing like golden state or Miami or even the Celtics big three or some of those Kobe shack, uh, uh, Phil Jackson teams where you just like,

is this really competition at this point? Everybody just jumps on one team. Did you watch any of the Jordan doc? Oh, yeah. Yeah, and what I love, what I love about it is what a lot of documentarians and press people are criticizing,

saying that, well, Jordan had final edit and blah, blah, blah, and all that. It's like, well, finally, after like almost 40 years of you guys telling this story. That's a great point. I was blown away by two things. First of all, when his dad got murdered, I didn't know it was two 18-year-old kids.

Yeah. Random shit. I didn't know that because I was watching the shit on the news and listening to all the scuttlebutt that, you know, this is, you know, is gambling debts and blah, blah, blah. And even a buddy of mine going like, dude, I was a degenerate gambler. He goes, it doesn't escalate. Harder people. To that level. I have a friend who is a bookie right now and had like someone skate town on him

for like $100,000. And I was like, so what do you do? He said, what do you think I do? Like nothing. He's just don't get a hundred thousand dollars though there probably are better bookies than him but he's like nothing that kid just lives in chicago now i'm never getting my money yeah well here's the thing he's gonna do that again in chicago unless he gets help and eventually he's gonna get the ass kick and he deserves but the the thing about it was, was the money. Like I love that he cleared that up and how he really called the press out on their bullshit.

And then what else I was blown away by was what an incredible teammate he was and how coachable he seemed to be and how, you know, when he, when he fought Steve Kerr, Phil Jackson could still kick him out of practice. I mean, this guy was making like, like a hundred million dollars selling sneakers and shit. And he's like, Michael still kick him out of practice. I mean, this guy was making like $100 million selling sneakers and shit. And he's like, Michael, you're out of here. And then he's like, I felt bad. I felt like this big.

I beat up the smallest guy in the team. And he said, going into it, you're all going to hate me. And you're going to learn I was a tyrant. And it was like, all right, there was the Steve Kerr story. He shit all over Scott Burrell. And apparently, he was mean to Will Purdue. Like, that really seemed like it. I mean, maybe there was more Steve Kerr story. He shit all over Scott Burrell, and apparently he was mean to Will Purdue. Like, that really seemed like it. I mean, maybe there was more they didn't talk about,

but it was like, if that's all you're talking about, Michael, I think you're okay. And his first coach. I heard he ran his first coach out of town, and I found out he loved the guy. Right. So it's just like, I really think, though, there's a thing where, you know, for, like, athletes, like, like in in acting right if you're the guy like some of the stuff pete the shit that pete got was you know i was joking with him i was

like pete you can't be on snl be starring in a movie and banging all these models and famous people and not have people just hate you just because they want your life. Right. So I think with Jordan and guys like that, these sports writers, you know, they seem, I mean, the guy was like the coolest dude ever. I mean, he's before game one in the finals going like, Hey, were you a little tense today? Nah. He goes, I had, I drank a couple of beers had a cigar and played the piano. I'm just sitting there going like, so the dude who guarded you that night is smelling your breath like you were

just at a cookout. You reek of a cigar, and you're dropping 39 on him? How fucking demoralizing that must have been. I already love Michael Jordan. I already thought that he was the greatest of all time and no one even came close I felt and having watched that documentary to now see what kind of a teammate he was how loose he was um and you know the whole time you know sitting there with that cigar and that little thing of scotch or whatever you had and you knew at some point that was going to get lit up and all i was just like i i they were it made me um that's the thing it made me miss doing stand-up being back on stage because i was like while this is fresh in my mind how uh contagious his drive was because i know a couple people going like yeah that guy's like crazy right and i was like no that's me i don't want to do that right yeah that's or i mean nobody's that

guy but that's but you either have that you either see that as like inspirational and you should be that way or you see it as like oh that's weird like he's he's you know he's like on a whole other level but i think it's like i think it's admirable i think everybody should be more like that you know yeah it's why 99 of us don't have abs we all want abs we can all do the work for two three days and then we just fall off guys like him never stop they just keep they keep going and it's just like and it becomes a work ethic thing and it becomes part of your DNA. The more and more you do it, it's weird. You can actually train yourself to like achieve. It's nuts. I think they say it takes what, 30 days to form a habit. I've been working out a little bit during quarantine.

A good amount, actually. I'm going to give myself some credit. I've worked out a good amount. Well, it might take you 60 days. I bet it's been three months, right? If I stop working out after this, I'm going to be pissed. I won't blame myself, but I'm going to be pissed at whatever. Whoever told me it took 30 days for a habit.

Yeah, it takes six weeks. There's all different kinds of numbers. But I found, you know, I wasted a lot of years of my career just being gloomy and morose and not understanding that I had the gifts. I just had to develop them. I was a decent writer. Now,

I've just been able to, once I got it going and saw a little bit of daylight, I just kept doing it. I always try to tell people like you know because once you're there it's like well shit you just you know you're you it's like i i wasn't though right i think more so really bad than in any other uh in any other profession

i think comedians get that the most where it's like oh this guy's selling arenas he's like it's great it's like well i suck for 30 years and people don't think about that we're not sucked but you know grinding through it no no it's true no it's true but there's also like uh i used to not know how to write a script i always knew i was good at writing dialogue and i just had this massive like i was just i was scatterbrained crazy scatterbrained So what I learned was I need to partner up with people who are going to be more doing that. And then I'll just show up and then I'll be in it. And then other things, I've learned to delegate and all of that stuff. And all of that stuff, all of those things are learnable skills.

I mean, you can look at Michael Jordan all day long. He can be like, oh, so you just run down the court and at the foul line, you can look at Michael Jordan all day long. He can be like, Oh, so you just run down the court and at the foul line you leap into the air. I mean, there's, I mean, you can't make yourself do that, but like you can get a lot out of what, I mean, watching that, taking what he did and applying it to whatever you want to achieve. I mean, even it's going to lead somewhere good is what i got out of it which is why i plan on watching i'm gonna take a few weeks off of that documentary and i'm gonna go back

again and just you know like that's gonna be one of those ones i just keep going back and watching because uh and i also thought too that there was my my buddy said he goes watching Jordan when he couldn't get past the Pistons and when he started working out yeah bulking up he goes I found in that moment he goes that is my disconnect with today's athlete because if Michael played today he would have joined the Pistons he would have joined the Pistons right exactly and three other guys would have joined then they all would have walked around and then at once they won it they would have started the Pistons. He would have joined the Pistons. Right. Exactly. And three other guys would have joined. Then they all would have walked around. And then once they won it, they would have started smoking Red Aura Back championships. Back then, it was like you wanted to beat those guys and you hated those guys.

But it's also hilarious that, like, Michael Jordan was like, I should probably start working out. Yeah. Like, Mike, if you were doing that your whole fucking career, you would have been a total freak. No, he was, but he wasn't bulking up. They said in the beginning how strong he was and explosive his game was. He was doing that, but he wanted to put some brawn on

to handle what it was that those guys were doing. I did love when Isaiah threw the Celtics under the bus. I also enjoyed that immensely. But that also wasn't true. They were kicked out. The palace security made the Celtics leave. Well, two things is funny about that. He didn't bring up the fact that publicly he said that if Larry wasn't white, he'd just be another player. He did say that. He had already done that. Massive, massive disrespect.

And then he said, you know, back then we didn't shake hands. That's not what we did. And it's like, okay, first of all, Jordan shook your hand both times. And you had no problem then. And then when they went to the clip of the Celtics, Kevin McHale's walking off the court, and Isaiah runs over to him to shake his hand. So it's like it kind of seems like you shake hands if you win. Right.

It seems like if you lose, you walk off the court. I got to give a shout-out to Bill Lambert, though, because they said to Bill Lambert, they go, do you regret not shaking hands with the Bulls? He's like, no, fuck those guys. I know. He's the only guy who stuck to it. I saw an interview and he was just like, I don't give a fuck about this. And I was like, all right, let's go Bill. Yeah. And I hate Bill Lambert as a Celtics fan. I can't stand that guy. And when I watched the 30 for 30 and he was going like yeah

we tried to play a mind game with people like he was out there playing chess it was like dude you just waited for people to leave their feet and you tried to end their careers that's the mind game I'm gonna that's just you were a fucking goon but I will say this though that motherfucker at the top of the key was money yeah and for a guy 6 10 6 11 to have that shot dude i'm talking nothing but net and i used to just that whole team like they were everybody talks about the lakers the celtics and then jordan into the lakers again but it's like there was a little dynasty right there with isaiah and bill and like a lot of good players great team john sally joe dumars yeah vinnie johnson i love john sally being like i'm gonna shake these guys hands this is a bad idea i don't know about you guys but like i'm i'm not gonna

fuck around with this and it was like oh that was smart who did that john sally oh he did yeah he was like this is sally was another guy guy like, that was a great team. And I liked, what's his face? Mohorn I even liked. Lambeer was dirty to me. Mohorn was just, he was more like an Oakley type of guy. Right. But like in the end of the day, though, you know, all these years later,

it's like I, you know, I hated him then. But like, I love all of those guys now. Well, especially, like you said, compared to today's basketball. It's like even if they were your rival, that's the game. That's the way you want to watch the game, you know? Well, I feel like the kids today, I could say that, are going to be 52 next month. They're missing out in a way on the satisfaction of, like,

finally beating that team. I mean, but the game has also changed tremendously. So who am I to say? This is just me. Me as a fan would have loved to have seen Durant stay in Oklahoma after they blew a 3-1 lead, sit in the devastation of that in the offseason, you know, lift some weights like Jordan,

and then come back and then see this epic rematch. Right. Would they have gotten the next year? Would it have taken three years? As opposed to him joining Golden State. And I always joke, like, him joining Golden State was like a bad, like, Hollywood summertime movie. You can guess the ending before it even happens.

It's like, well, well you know this is Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock on a bus they're not gonna die they're gonna figure it out right right not that that was a bad movie you know what I mean you know what I mean you know the hero's not gonna die it was just like before it even started you're like oh the Warriors are gonna win the championship and then they did it was just like yeah it was very uh i don't know i i i kind of believe that you play sports for you watch sports for competition but the goals they were a super team they had they it was informed i hate when people say that they they they they were a super team through draft picks and shrewd trades that That's different than like the top five guys all sitting on a yacht going,

hey, let's all go to this team. No, I agree with that. But it's just like there were three Hall of Famers on the team. So what? There's three Hall of Famers on every fucking championship team. It is different. I agree. You're right.

It's just it's a super team. I hear people go, well, I mean, Dennis Rodman. They had one guy. Here's my thing. You get me a fucking superstar point guard right now who's just, it's a super team. I hear people go, well, I mean, Dennis Rodman. They had one guy. Here's my thing. You get me a fucking superstar point guard right now who's going to win six championships with Luke Longley or Bill Cartwright back in the day when it was a big man's game, when the big man on the other team could just stand in the paint.

And they used to say back in the day, you had to go into the trees. If you wanted to dunk, you had to be ferocious. Well, you watch it now. Neither guy, offensive defense, is allowed say back in the day you had to go into the trees if you wanted to dunk you had to be ferocious where you watch it now neither guy offensive defense is allowed to be in the paint for more than half a second and because of instagram too i feel like when a guy comes in for a dunk the guy on defense is thinking like i don't want to be on a poster yeah i don't want to be on a post i don't want to be this on instagram getting fucking dunked on this guy's gonna put his nuts in my face and fucking do a bunch of extra shit. Cause he also knows it's going to be on Instagram. I actually think that the NBA kind of has sold their soul to the super team

and it's become like wrestling where now I'm, I'm watching. It's like when Hulk Hogan would become the bad guy. So I'm just rooting against his band of brothers uh and you know the nba definitely did that with the wrestling when they started having sponsorships and it's smart don't get me wrong you gotta make you make money everywhere you can but when they started having their like red carpet walks sponsored that like like when you walk into the lake lakers arena it's sponsored by like the go sneaker company i forget or stock or StockX or something like that. So like guys are dressing up to show up their outfits every single game

for like it's the Oscars. I mean, it's a business they're trying to build and they're trying to get more people or whatever. That's what happened with football. If you look at the halftime show at the Super Bowl 40 years ago, it was like a local college band. It was played in the afternoon. And you can, by looking at the halftime shows, you can see where the NFL felt they had reached

the saturation point with sports fans. And then they started going after the casual fan. And then all of a sudden, you know, they had like REM and U2 and Prince and all of these guys playing the halftime shows. And there was, you know, all of this extra stuff. I mean, that's the only thing I feel like the NFL really got wrong. Because I still love the sport. And I get now with the CTE, they got to penalize a lot of stuff. The thing that I felt that they got wrong is the Superbowl became such a spectacle that it's the most important game of the year.

And I feel like if you play in that game, half the battle is your opponent and the other half is trying to keep your adrenaline going during the 20 minute commercial breaks in the 50 minute fucking halftime show is what it seems like. Have you ever been to one yeah i went to the patriots first the pack with brett farke and ran and then i went first year we went with my brother and my dad. That was the greatest thing ever. We were, we had upper deck beside where Vin and Terry made the kick. And our whole section tackled each other.

I remember being worried about my dad. We couldn't believe it. Then I was like, every time the Patriots go, every time the Patriots go, I'm going to go. But then the next time they played, I think they played the Panthers and i was doing the next monday early in the morning i had to do the world series of dice for chapelle's show so i couldn't go so i was really like i mean it was one of those things i was psyched to do super show but i was like fuck man i want to go my you know some of my family went and. But I do remember when the game was over and I still had two grand in my pocket and I didn't have to go to the airport.

And I started thinking about it like, okay, I went when they lost and I felt that feeling. And then I went and saw their first championship and I experienced it with my dad and my brother. It's not going to get better than that. So someday when I get married and have kids, you know, if I can steer them into being Patriot fans out here in LA, I'll take them then, you know?

Right. Who knows now with Tom Brady leaving, we'll see, you know. What are your thoughts? What are your thoughts, Bill, on Billy, Tom Brady, the Buccaneer um I think it's a great move uh for him in the end because it's just like he deferred a ton of money throughout the years he was really beyond a team guy and I think it was cool that the Patriots were like, all right, go out and see what you can get. And he showed what he could get. And I understand the business of it where when a guy plays as long as Tom plays, you know, at some point it's like the,

the team wants them to retire as a Patriot. But like, like Tom is like a, no one's ever done what he's doing. Like playing at the level that he's playing. There's no blueprint for him. Yeah. And I think that it was just one of those things where he was, who knows what season or two left. I don't think he can go through a rebuild and he wants to get paid,

go to a state where they don't have state tax. I mean, he, he did the Jordan thing for us. Literally. We were a joke. We weren't a joke because we had Parcells, butordan thing for us literally we were a joke we weren't a joke because we had parcells but before parcells we were a total joke and but he made us helped make us legit he won six he had two three peats basically you know two dynasty things um i said he gave us a seat at the table where it was like there were – my friends growing up were Yankee fans and stuff, and it was always like shut up, Red Sox suck,

Patriots really weren't even in the conversation. There was no one good for it. I would have thought the Red Sox would win a World Series before we won a Super Bowl. We used to play in like that – it looked like a high school football stadium in Texas, that dump of a stadium, and we were a joke. And we bottomed out. I mean, we had moments, we had a great teams in like the mid seventies,

got fucked on that roughing the passer call in 75, 76 against the Raiders. And we had, you know, got crushed by the bears in 85, but we had some good teams in there, but by 90 and 91, we just the Rod Rusty area, we really bottomed out. Victor Kayyem, the Zeke Mowat shit, it was really bad. I have a picture of me and Victor Kayyem. Victor Kayyem's

giving me a $5,000 savings bond I won. Oh, that's cool. Hey, here's something I've been actually digging into. I'm fascinated with NFL championships. Basically, before the Super Bowl, I'm fascinated with the fact that they don't count them it's just the weirdest thing ever to me because every other every other league even as they absorb other leagues yeah they keep on they like they count stanley cups back to when it was the size of a shot glass they count count World Series like 1885.

I didn't even think they were using baseball gloves at that point. Literally. There was a year in the late 1800s where five guys hit over 400. Because I always mess with Yankee fans when they talk about Babe Ruth, that he was the greatest ever. I'm like, listen, that guy could play in any era. But he played in a beer league. Those are beer league stats.

The fact that you could have a guy in the shape that he was in, he was built like Fred Flintstone. He's eating hot dogs. He's banging hookers on a train. And he could show up in an MLB park on any given night and either throw you a no hitter or hit five home runs. But Bo Jackson couldn't do that. Look at how he looked. So they always, then they talk about the documentary, about the fastball and how fast those guys were throwing. It's like, dude, the upper echelon of

white guys back then could play any error. I'm not saying that, but they were going up against some guys like me who made the same. You go up against guys who have a day job. You know, it wasn't even like their full-time gig. It was like, I got to go from the factory to the ball field. Yeah, but that was a money thing. That was a money thing because horse racing and boxing were bigger.

But what I'm saying is the big stat that I sway Yankee fans on, because i always say the guy could play any era all right but like he either would have been a pitcher or he would have been a hitter right one or the other you wouldn't have done both right so is the hitting 400 thing it's like last guy to do it was ted williams in 1941 okay before him 26 guys have done it yeah one year five guys did it the same year. And when you watch it, it was happening like every year, multiple guys. Then all of a sudden it was happening every two years, then every three, then once every five, and then it just stopped. And if you look at 19,

after 1941, 47, Jackie Robinson breaks the color barrier. And then all of a sudden the statue pages, Josh Gibson's Pedro Martinez, they probably wouldn't even let Sandy Koufax play back then. Cause he was Jewish. There is something to say about that. But anyway, so go back to these NFL titles. Like the fact when they were talking like the greatest quarterback of all time with Tom Brady, as he was playing and they're talking Elway, they're talking Montana, the farthest back, they would say was Johnny Unitas. And even then no one would bring him up.

But I'm reading up on like fucking Otto Graham. Otto Graham, okay, he played in the All-American Football Conference from 46 to 49 with Paul Brown. All right. And the four years that that league existed, they won the championship every single year, went undefeated one year, 15-0. So the NFL said it was an inferior league, and they absorbed the Colts, the 49ers, and the Browns. The Browns joined the NFL their first year. They won the NFL title.

And they went to the championship game the first six years they were in the league. And they won three out of six and another amazing thing was Lou Groza their tackle was also their field goal kicker because no one took kicking seriously he was the Vinatieri back then he kicked the field the winning field goal in 1950 and he was the first guy that was deadly accurate from 40 yards or beyond and could hit a 50 yarder and people were sitting going, why the fuck are the Browns, this expansion team kicking everybody's ass out here.

And they started crunching numbers and they realized the Browns had won 15% of their games because of Lou Groza. And then all of a sudden they were like, Hey man, these three points fucking add up. Matter. Yeah. And that was a tackle also. Yeah. And he kicked straight on i used to think those guys that kick straight on could maybe kick a 25 30 yarder this guy could he could he could hit from 50 yards and that was also when the the goal post was right on the goal line right so when you got up to about the the 42 yard you had to get eight yards into the other team's uh um

side of the field and all of a sudden they were a threat to score. So in that 1950 title game, which you can watch the highlights, the Rams scored, and there was like a minute and a half left. And you can't believe how modern the offense. They were just throwing the ball, going down the field. And I saw this thing Otto Graham was talking about going, he knew with our offense, we knew we could score and Lou Groza they asked him were you nervous when you went up he was like no I knew it was going through and I was just like this guy's been a Terry

1950 so the fact that they for some reason don't talk about that you know when the Buffalo Bills are the benchmark for losing the championship game four in a row, go back and look up. Dude, the New York football giants, they lost the championship game in 58, 59, 61, 62, and 63. Yikes. Five out of six years. And everybody forgets it because it happened before Super Bowl III, which is weird to me. Yeah, very weird. I got a very big kick out of the King of Staten Island scene

where you guys are yelling about the Jets. As a Jets fan myself, it was primo. Very well done. Very well done, man. So that's out on June 12th. Also, new season of F is for Family on the same day, huh? It's a big day for you. June 12th, season four comes out.

Jonathan Banks joins the cast awesome that how how cool is that guy in real life because i fucking love his all his work as an actor but he seems like the man he yeah and he is an absolute sweetheart he's like uh he's a family man great advice you know for like i remember when i first met him when I was on Breaking Bad and I was with my girlfriend at the time and I wanted to get married but I was too chicken shit to do it you know he gave me some sage advice

that helped me him and Paul Verzi helped me get over the hump on that one which ended up being the greatest thing that I ever did but he's like remember like what that, what that advice was or echo that sentiment. Uh, yeah,

but it was kind of a private conversation. So I'll leave it at that. But he, he's like a, he is a tough guy and he does take no shit, but he's a, he's a big hearted. He's a sweetheart of a guy.

And he's a, he's a, uh, just a fucking incredible act there's a couple of actors that i've worked with where like when they say action and then they look over you to talk i get a jolt in my chest like you know when you lean back and almost fall back like how in it they are you're like you know when he's talking he was Jonathan. And then all of a sudden when he became Mike, you know, Mike's clipped some people. Right. Right. It's just like, fuck. So, um, yeah, he joins the cast and, um, you know, we got like,

since we casted this thing, a number of the actors on this thing have gone on to win like Oscars, you know, we, Alison Janney, we got Sam Rockwell,well, Laura Dern, you know, she's always, you know, winning one of those. Every time I see an award, my wife watches the award shows, but every time there's that, I always see her accepting something. So yeah, we got a hell of a cast and it's, it's a Mike Price is the driving force behind it. And Dave Richardson, all the writers, all of those guys, Vince Vaughn, trying to give everybody a shout out.

Peter Billingsley, Victoria Vaughn, all of those people that helped me out. There's a ton of people lifting, helping me push that rock up the hill. Well, that's awesome. The movie's great. I know you just signed DiStefano and Giannis Papas for all things comedy. So I know, I mean, business is good for you, Bill. You're doing big things. Congrats.

Yeah, no, those guys. They are. Chris is one of the funniest guys I've ever met, man. Yeah. And Giannis is like SNL level with the characters and all that type of stuff. So I am going to enjoy watching those guys. Like, I think that they're going to, they're going to, there's just so many different ways both of them can go.

Yep. And their shows is really, it's a ton of fun to do. So, yeah, we're very excited that they came over to All Things. All right. Well, we appreciate it, as always. Thanks for the time. Stay safe, yada, yada, and let us know if you need anything. All right, man?

Yeah. Yeah, you can call me anytime, dude. I'm around, too. We're all, everybody's available. All right, guys. Thank you so much for saying around too. Everybody's welcome. All right, guys. Thank you so much for sharing those nice things about the movie. All right, we'll see you. You got it.

Thank you. I've got some issues that nobody can see And all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the life It's only life This is The soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.