KFC Radio - Billie Eilish Can Pleasure Herself In Front of a Mirror But We Can Not - Full Episode

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 00:32 John's doctor said his working out too much is unhealthy 11:23 Feits may go back to college? 18:11 Kevin had a sports dad incident 27:43 Voicemail: Next PED 35:47 Dante + Paige Spiranac 38:43 People are telling Kevin he's too old to talk about rap 59:59 Feits cant stop watching Adam Sandler movies 01:04:41 One of the Best Voicemails Ever 01:28:48 Billie EilishM***bates to herself in the mirror Gametime: Download the Gametime app or go to https://gametime.co, enter your email, and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). CANN: Head to https://DrinkCann.com and use code KFC20 for 20% off your order of Cann and a free Roadie 6pk sampler. BetterHelp: KFC Radio is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/KFC today to get 10% off your first month.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Oh, man, this is a great episode. New episode of KFC Radio is about to start right now, but before we do that, I need a favor from you. We've got a new YouTube channel. It's called the KFC Radio Clips Channel. It's a short-form YouTube with all the best interviews, segments, and moments from KFC Radio past and present, just a few minutes long

so you can keep up with the podcast and all of our greatest moments if you don't have time to watch the full episode. So head on over there. There's a link in the description below. Click that, subscribe, and then come back and catch the full episode. Thank you. But you went to it? I went. So is it done now? I think I exercised too much.

Stop. Just stop. There you go. We're rolling. Okay. But Jackie, are you good? I'm good. I love it. I love it. You exercised too much. I think I exercised. I

could have told you that. I don't need to be some fancy doctor i don't need some fancy degree on my wall to tell you that you simply exercise too much but i also just truly don't no you do i gotta work out like an hour a day too much what's up do you take a day off no never never no you don't no you don't i like no you don't it's bro we go on you go on vacation we go on the You go on vacation. We go on the road. We'll do crazy shit all day for work, and then you'll still go to the gym.

But I go to the gym for like an hour, and I don't do insane things. What do you think? Most people are at the gym for like three hours a day. You go to the gym every single day, an hour a day. Bro, Michelle Obama, play 60. I fucking know what I'm doing. Yeah. How about that?

Thanks a lot, fucking Obama. Turns out that an hour a day is too much. But I truly, genuinely don't work out. No, no, no. John, John, John. Me and the doctors are telling you, you do. Why? Like your blood work said that?

Yeah. Your blood work's like, you're too prolic, dude. I had like. You put up 135, 142 times? When I told her, she was like, what do you – she goes, how much do you lift? And I was like, well, what? Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait. Your doctor hit you with like what do you bench, bro? Yeah. And she was like 100 pounds. And I was like, yeah. Yeah, in my bra. And she was like 150. I was like, yeah. In my bra. She was like 150. I was probably like 250, 300.

That is so insane. It probably means nothing. You guys don't even think about it. Girls don't even think about it. A normal human benching 300 is so absurd. It is.

Anybody who does that is a fucking meathead or a juicehead or just you. 300 is so absurd. It is. It is. Like, anybody who does that is a fucking meathead or a juice head or just you. Because you're not like a meathead. No. I just – I don't – But you know what? Yeah. You know what? I like being a meathead when I'm with meatheads.

I know I can – You're a chameleon. Like, me and Will – Me and Will, if you locked me and Will in a room, I don't even know what would happen. It's like locking two gorillas in a room. Like you'd open it and you're like, I'd have like the couch cushion in my mouth. Right. You know what I mean?

The place would be destroyed. There would be blood on the walls. There would be cum on the floor. There would be sweat everywhere. Everything would be ruined. There would be food on the ceiling. It would be like, what happened in here? No, you are a meathead.

It's how you – the way you dress really saved you from not being a meathead. Because if you were to just walk around in like a t-shirt and like athletic clothes all day, like eating a banana like you always do and like drinking water and like, oh, look at that fucking meathead, you know? But like you dress like a pussy. So everyone's just like, oh, look at that fucking meathead. But you dress like a pussy, so everyone's just like, oh, look at that fancy boy over there. But it's like, no, you are a absolute meathead when it comes down to it, and your blood is telling the truth. Bro, what's crazy about this is it's because it's a liver enzyme I have that's high.

It's not crazy high, but it's pretty high. Honestly, it's a little bit high. And so i obviously know what caused that yeah right yeah yeah and so i go to this liver specialist today and i'm like i'm like well like up until like two years ago i drank a lot a lot and she's like what's a lot i was like whatever you think times 10 i was say, especially the doctors when they're like the same thing with the exercise. They're like, what do you have, like two drinks a day? Yeah, technically, yes.

Well, honestly, two drinks a day. As I was telling her what I would drink, straight face. Well, you know, so I was going to say, on one hand, the doctors, it depends on who you're talking to. If you're talking to some specialists, they've probably seen some shit. Yeah. So they're probably like, you know, it's not good for the average human. But if you're talking about what I've seen or what a liver can take, you're still all right. She didn't even – it didn't faze her.

And you were honest? You told her the real truth? I was like, a bottle of whiskey a day. Not a day, but if I was drinking, I was probably going to drink a bottle of whiskey. And she didn't, didn't face her, right? So then they do this, like, fibro something where they check my – like, she's like, okay, well, let's check your liver health. And she's like, you have impossibly healthy liver.

Impossibly healthy? Yeah, she's like, from what you just told me, like – Dude, I mean, it's guys like you and Bert. My dad is one of them, too. My mom is, like, always waiting for the doctor to be like, you have drank yourself to death. And every single time, they're like, you are picture of health. She's like, I would go so far to say you have a skinny liver. But doesn't that make sense in a way?

Because you were, like, I think when you're a functioning alcoholic, it means you have a super liver. Yeah, probably. It's the people, like, if I drank like you drank, I would be dead, it means you have a super liver. Yeah, probably. It's the people like if I drank like you drank, I would be dead because I don't have the super liver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it makes sense that like, especially after taking two years off, now you've like cleared it out. It's probably like, yo, awesome. But at the time, you were probably put like pushing it to the limit, but you've got a meathead liver. So it was like, we could do this. We could take another bottle.

Let's go. She's like, you have no fat in your your liver you have no scarring in your liver you're like you're fine your liver is fine and she's like but then she's like how much do you lift and i was like again wait wait that's the next question no but she's like what do you do she's like oh i was there she's like you're a big person like but that's the figure at the enzyme yeah okay and and she like again when i was telling her about drinking like straight face she's like okay okay okay and she's like how much she looked at like 300 pounds she's like what like it's actually like it's actually that bad like she said that i guess i have an enzyme that can be activity or something it can be released when muscles tear which is like what happens when you exercise. Yeah, yeah, sure. And she's like, well, it's probably that then.

But is this enzyme bad for you? I think it's my level. I don't think it's like – I don't know. Is it AST? Because if – I mean if it's not harming you, it's like – I don't know. Yeah. I guess too much of any of these levels. It's always like – it sucks when when you like you can get a test and you fall right within like the you're one tenth of a milligram into the red zone yeah yeah well that's

what when they call it tomorrow you wouldn't have been flagged it's like when i got set up this appointment they were like wait this is what they're sending you for i was like yeah like like these numbers that's like yeah like it's pussy shit yeah and like okay well what's hilarious to her she's like she's like do you know why you're here and i was like i don't know i got something high she's like yeah you've like kind of high yeah well to be fair if you've been listening to the show for a long time this is all part of john's never-ending uh doctor appointment which you started about two years ago yeah so at the time there was a reason for that doctor appointment which you started about two years ago yeah so at the time there was a reason for that doctor appointment there no longer is because you don't drink and you you work out

well i was fine too which is like one's last time you had drank i was like oh like three days ago well right but like you know drink drinking is a relative yeah yeah yeah a couple pints in ireland now comparatively i've stopped drinking yeah i didn't stop drinking but i've comparatively stopped yeah yeah uh yeah you know i mean i'm so happy to hear this you are you are uh a manorexic you have an eating disorder a workout disorder uh it's it's a disease and every time you go to the gym well i mean how ridiculous does it feel bad about myself so i'm happy to hear that you're unhealthy bro like it's unhealthy. It's honestly – this is straight up – this is sunny when Dennis and Mac finally go to the doctor and, like, Mac's actually healthier than Dennis. It's like, what the fuck?

The thing – like, I was like, all right, I got to stop drinking. And then the thing I chose to do – To replace it with. That's what's fucking my liver up. Yo, I know this is not for you though because i know you love it but my oh my if there was ever a time where i started going to the gym like you went to the gym and then doctors told me i have to stop i would drop to my knees like thank you can't do it anymore sorry can't work out no more exercise for me it's bad yo that is there there

are people out there listening i'm sure right now because you can have a fatty liver for drinking and then you can also just like have a bad liver like yeah get born with a lemon so there are probably people out there with like the non-alcoholic fatty livers who are like that fucking guy's liver is fine fine You gotta be fucking kidding me, man. That is so funny. It cracks me up, this theme shit with my dad. Every time they're like... My dad has some bad lung stuff from asbestos back in the day.

It was worked around that. But everything else is like, it's gonna be the liver or it's gonna be the heart or it's gonna be whatever with drinking. And every time, he's fine. He's fine. He he's totally fine it's like the people who are doing it i almost like don't believe her like i'm like it has to be that like it has to be the fact that i put that bottle of whiskey with no fucking problem bro it's been a long time since you did that yeah it's too like it's out of you you know that's what she said. Yeah. And I'm like, fine. I believe you. But like it can't be my bench press. It's got to be something else.

There are – there's many, many times I wish we just had a 24-7 reality show. But a doctor being appalled at how much you bench press. It would be so goddamn good. 300. Because it really – it's ridiculous how strong you are i mean there's a reason why like when when i remember trent watching the combine was like you're the strongest man alive again the only person who could have beat you was a nfl meathead i still think i beat him so do i so do i uh but like for regular ass people that that's i would love like your whole family to like get

tested i would love for them to be like what the fuck is this family like you guys she's funny too she's asking like about my family health i'm like i don't like when you when you find out your family i know whenever like is there any history of this or that i'm like i don't know all of them died from cancer yeah like some some form or other they're all dead from cancer does your mom have this i don't know what the fuck has my mom has you have any any alcoholism in your family yeah like don't we all at this point depend uh define it yeah everybody drinks yeah all of them probably too much yes next question i don't know uh yeah your family like if there's ever like a apocalypse we should reseed the earth with the Feidelbergs. Just create a super race.

Well, speaking of that, I kind of told you something the other day. We got big news. What was this? Oh, yeah. Polly's graduating. Polly Feidelberg is graduating from college, getting her university degree. I am going to be the only person in my family who didn't go to college now. That's the best.

I'm telling you. Yeah, well, you know what the thing, like, you see all those, like, stories about, like, real feel-good stuff, people who are, like, first person in my family to go to college. Yep. Dude, I'm, like, the first person in generations to not go to college. To not. Fuck you, man. Fucking take it back, dude.

What would it take to get you to go to college? Like an incredibly fat check. Yeah. Like what if though? We live in a crazy world with Barstool now. Big money sponsors. What if somebody was like, we will sponsor you but you gotta go to college what would that what would that sponsor have to pay many millions how many

i really don't like it but like you also have to like – I don't like the people. I don't like the activity. But, like, it's such a different you now. Yeah. I like it less. I like that stuff less. But, like, also going back to college wouldn't be, like, the social part of it. It would be, like, you going to school and classes and stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah.

What don't you like about college? The social part or the academic part? I mean, or I know a little bit, but like which is worse? Probably more social. Yeah, like I don't think I – like when I say send you back to college, I don't mean like you're going to go live in the dorm and join a frat. I think I'd have to. If we're going to do it right, I got to do it. Yeah, but I think the funny part – well, I don't know.

It would be pretty funny if you're like living in a dorm. But I always think about like you in class, you know, trying to work. When your brain is not doing like academia academia anymore, you become so stupid. I can't. I honestly could not graduate college right now. It would be impossible. I think you could. No.

I think if you went to – I'm not saying fucking Harvard. But if you went to a community school that was like this is accredited, it's real, I think you could. I don't think I could because I would need to take core curriculum, and I can't do what do you mean like i would have to take a math class i'd have to take it like i can't do that i will like not not only like i can't i can't like if you start talking about it i don't fucking care i can't do it caring and able are different though i know you don't care but if some sponsor was like we'll give you 10 million million and it's like, you got to just figure out how to do this math problem. Would you be able to?

I think so. Oh, so obviously I have to get, I have to graduate to get paid. You know, graduate, it's four years. It's like,

you know, maybe you do like a full semester, you know, something like that because graduating is a little bit ridiculous. Yeah.

Four fucking years is a lot. I probably need like two years. I probably have two years of credits. I guarantee you, you could get a business school degree. It's a two-year program, and it's a fucking joke.

It's probably like $25 million. Jesus. That's not true, though, because if someone said, here's 10, you would do it. I honestly don't know that I would. As you said that, I took that really real. I don't think so. It is like a fool me one time, but it's like fool me seven times. At that point.

But again, I'm thinking you were younger and not comfortable in your skin and went through weird social stuff. I think that would all be very different for the john feidelberg of today uh you could get it i'm telling you doc you could get an mba i'm sure i could those classes though are like specifically like they're ridiculous they're so stupid like here i i can tell like i i don't want to get old to fucking chest out here. I'm smart enough to graduate from college. Right.

I'm aware of that. I – it's like when I go to a meeting here. Yeah. There's one thing about you when you don't – when you really don't want to do something because we all do plenty of shit we don't want to do. But not – I can do things I don't want to do. It's when I know there's no reason for it. Point to it. Yeah. Then when that happens john shuts down i know the look i know the body language i can hear the in the voice there have been times in meetings where i want to look at people and go

look at me you've lost him just right here he's gone you have lost him once i realized you've actually lost me but i'm just showing you the respect. But you've lost him. Do not even bother anymore. When I realized that there's no point to what we're doing. Yeah. And that's like 90% of me. It's like all me to you.

There's no reason for this. This is a waste of time. Let's go do something that's fucking efficient. Yeah. I don't like inefficiency. Right. What are we doing here? Really –

And that's like all of business. Yeah. I actually was watching the founder the other night, Michael Keaton. I had a real thing for Michael Keaton. You really do. I don't know what it is. I think you would like suck Michael Keaton. I don't know what it is.

I don't think if we ever get like an offer to have Michael Keaton in here, I think we have to say no. I think it's that bad. For his safety. He's going to want to bring a couple cops. I don't know what it is. There's something about Michael Keaton that really just revs my engine. And it's like Michael Keaton in dark movies.

It's like, oh, bro. Michael Keaton's like tallying up 9-11 deaths. Woohoo, baby. That one really gets me going. Opioid epidemic? Let's go. Child rape? Woo,o, baby. That one really gets me going. Opioid epidemic? Let's go. Child rape? Whoo, yeah, dude.

That is it. Spotlight, Dope Sick, and Worth are three great movies to show. But, oh, yeah, so I was watching The Founder. And that's kind of how, like,donald's became a thing is that uh nick offerman's character is like one of the guys fast he was bothered by the inefficiency in kitchens and i was like yes dude thank you i had a business call the other day i almost stopped it to shout them out like the everybody i think i was the last person on the Zoom, and they went like, okay, we have these three things to talk about, and that's it, and like, go.

And it was like so quick, and I was like, that was amazing. Nice work, everybody. Yeah, I was like, shout the fuck out to you guys. Burgers up! Yeah, it was like, this is how they all should, there was no small talk, there was no lame jokes,

there was no jargongon it was just like all right let's get this going we got we got a lot of shit to do i was like yo i will do yes i'm in for this whole project let's go i want to do it um our producer just left so um i i almost i almost I almost had an incident last weekend. I almost had like a sports dad incident. At the game? At the game, bro. I had to like take a walk away from like the fields for a little bit. We showed up for flag football.

Keegan is playing flag football and we are in it's a it's a group of like six kids from a very tiny catholic school it's like it is literally just to get the kids together to like be friends and be social yeah and like learn the rules of the game we're in like the c division of the youngest group it's like you know we're literally teaching them how to like just what is the football and like how what is a touchdown like that you know and it is for grades kindergarten it's it's for ages five to seven so it's like kindergarten to like second grade which is you know kind of gets weird because like kindergarten is pretty young second grade. Which is, you know, it kind of gets weird because like kindergarten

is pretty young. Second grade, you're starting to learn. So it's mostly first graders and we show up and this other team has like fucking fourth graders on their team

and a coach who was acting like Bill Belichick out there had a fucking like laminated thing. This kid was probably, there was one kid that was like probably up to my like my chest like a huge fucking kid who had like like you know when you're a little kid you just like you wear what your parents put you in and your hair is whatever you do you know what i mean like this kid had like style i was like this kid probably drove here in his own fucking car and like showed up with his friends and they beat the fucking shit out of us and we're just running up the score and like pulling flags in the backfield like we like we i don't even think we crossed the line

scrimmage like once the whole fucking game keegan scored a touchdown that was it i was like i want when keegan scored i almost ran over to that coach. I wanted to be like, you should be ashamed of yourself. You and your fucking band of 15-year-olds, you all should be ashamed of yourself because a six-year-old just fucking took it to the house on you. And I was like, I'm going to say something. I kept saying to all the other dads, I was like, I'm not good at this. My ability, like this shit has really changed my filter you know like i'm not used to biting my tongue anymore yeah and so i got this guy who's like he was like this fucking uh just

like this dad of all dads in his collared shirt with his sweater over it his khakis he's got his uh fucking the the board out and there's technically a play clock which like every time we just hand the ball to somebody and they try to run that's fucking it once a game you throw the ball like that's the level we're talking about and this guy every time would take the full i think it's 45 seconds i think it's a 45 second play clock and the refs are going like are counting out loud and he's running it down and i'm like it's getting dark out it's cold out you're playing with kids who are like four years older than i mean we're still having kids who are like are like crying at the games because they're like little boys like they're

like babies and this these kids have on like the sleeves and they're matching their mouth guard to their cleats and they know the fuck they're doing like the gritty and doing dances and choreographed fucking, uh, uh, touchdown celebrations. And I was like, you guys are the biggest fucking losers in the world.

And I kept saying stuff like that under my breath. And I just started getting louder and louder. And I was like, I literally got to go away. I was like, I'll be back in a little bit, guys. I couldn't believe it.

I was like, it is fun when you're saying that stuff under your breath and it's just like it's a weird thing where you think saying something is gonna like get you struck by lightning yeah and then you like you mentioned it once and you're like well especially nothing happened and okay i'm gonna say you know what did happen though is like everybody was like yeah like once i knew that everyone was on my side and they noticed it too because i was like yeah like once i knew that everyone was on my side and they noticed it too because i was like i don't know you know i was like listen some teams are good sometimes you're bad this is like competition and then i was like wait that kid is like i was watching these kids warm up and i was like i must be another team and then all of a sudden they line

up and i'm like they're running roots and they've got all these fucking plays and they're and i was like oh man it's about to happen it's about to happen i'm gonna be like on the fucking news because i'm gonna run up on some coach because he's got his fifth graders we asked one kid i'm pretty sure he said fifth one one coach went to him hey kid what grade are you in like kind of joking and i'm pretty sure i heard him say fifth there are kids who are in kindergarten on this team. That is like, it's insane to me, man. I'm starting to get more into the, we fucked up. We lied about Shay's age to get her into this one dance studio

because she was just too young to like join a dance studio at one point. But the teacher was like, she can dance and like we'll take her. So just like fudge the numbers. But then so the dance studio always had that as her birthday and she just did her first competition and she had to compete against fucking 12 year olds and i was like oh well like we caught the the age before the dance happened and they were like i was like just change it and they were like nope you're locked in and i was like but you you want the eight-year-old like i was like i'll bring the birth certificate.

I'll show it all. And they were like, no, we have, because we have parents who do this shit on purpose. So when the ages are locked, they are locked. And I was like, wow. I'm like, I really have to get into that world now. But it was funny because in the dance thing, I was like, I cannot believe there are parents

that take this shit that seriously. And then I got to football and I was like, do you want to fight me? Do you want to fucking fight me, pal? It is a, it's a weird world getting into once because everything else you do as a dad or a parent when you start is like parenty cutesy kid stuff. Yeah. But now they're like sports is like what I'm passionate about.

So now they're coming into like my adult life, not my, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like parent life and like regular life and i'm like so i i learned that about myself real bad this weekend i i i mean if we see that team again i'm letting it fly man i'm letting it fucking fly i was trying to explain it to keegan afterwards i was like don't worry because those people were trash keegan they're trash people uh Ugh, unreal. So we officially put into action the $1,000 for the best voicemail.

So get your voicemails in. Let's run one now. We'll see where we're at. We'll see what else you got, and then we'll get out of here. All right, let's do our daily game time check right now. You can still get in to see the Mets for $3. You can get in to see the New York Islanders play off hockey for $86. And let's check the Knicks tickets.

Stained, baby. Stained. You're going to go see Stained? Benny the Butcher and Stained are in town this weekend. No, tomorrow. Rangers are $284. That's the hottest ticket in town because the Knicks are $282, which surprises me because after the Knicks-Theatrics,

I thought the next games at the Garden, I mean, if necessary, were going to be through the goddamn roof. That sequence of events, 8 points in 27 seconds, I know it's only the first round, but for a team that has not had much history recently, incredible. That was – I actually – I know basketball gets a bad rap and people over-talk about it with how long the end is, but it's insane. Yeah. So I happened to watch the very end.

Yeah. Dude, it was – so I had a dozen matches that night. We did it after all that stuff right and so i get a text from jeff d low 11 42 left in the third in the fourth you know everyone get ready i was watching the bruins at time there were eight minutes left for the bruins game i was like oh this is perfect great bruins game ended i went and worked out quick workout like 20 minutes came back, watched the last minute. Yeah.

That was, I was like, this is insane. I'll say this, though. Like, that last minute was almost quick in a way. Like, I loved it. Have you seen the radio announcer for the Sixers? It was like, the goal when you don't have home court is to split one of the first two games. Job done. I loved it done because after that

it did it did i mean that yeah that eight points 27 seconds was literally what i turned on flying i turned like 59.6 seconds incredible man the garden went nuts everybody's celebrating so i was expecting the ticket to be through the roof but when you go to game time you can get it for just 280 bucks uh and as well as any other music um stand-up comedy, Broadway, any sort of live entertainment, Game Time has got you covered. They are the official ticketing partner of Barstool Sports. So anytime you see any of us go anywhere, we're getting in the building with Game Time. So you can be just like us, get discounts on your tickets.

They have zone deals where if you're living in a certain area, you get a discount. They have flash deals where certain events will just go on sale out of nowhere. So keep your notifications on. And you can find seats in any live event for the best price possible. And if you do find a better price and show it to them and prove it, Game Time will pay you 110% of the difference of the two tickets. Best place for last-minute seats with up to 60% off your favorite events. So what are you waiting for? Take the guesswork out of buying tickets with Game Time.

Download the Game Time app, create an account, and use code KFC for $20 off your first events. So what are you waiting for? Take the guesswork out of buying tickets with GameTime. Download the GameTime app, create an account, and use code KFC for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Download the GameTime app today. Last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed. What's up, guys? Got a quick one for you. We have steroids for gaining muscle. We have Ozempic for losing weight.

We have Addy for staying focused. What would you want the next form of PDs to be for? That's a good question. Great question. The day that they can make something that makes you funny, we're fucked, bro. We're out of business.

You could take something and you'd be funny for the first time, John. Ozempic's wild, bro. Ozempic's crazy. Is it? I know. What's Ozempic's face? Is it? I mean, obviously, I know. What's Ozempic face? I don't know why I ask you. I actually saw something about this.

It's just, I don't actually know. I think it's just, like, a little bit more gaunt and probably, like, saggier skin. I'll tell you what Ozempic face is. It's catching celebrities on, like, a day that they're hungover or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And saying. I mean, I think if there was to be Ozempic face, it's that. I think when you lose weight and you're, you know,

if you have any droopy skin or whatever. I think the one place it's, like, bad to be skinny is, like, your face because you don't have, like, full cheeks and your eyes get darker because they're thinner, skin, and all that shit. I have the fattest face. Huh? I have the fattest face. Yeah, you don't have to worry about that.

It's crazy, dude. You don't have a fat face. I got an insanely fat face. You think so? Yeah, so yeah bro when i smile but you can't even see my eyes that's funny i never thought about your eyes being part of your fat face i think like your cheeks but yeah yeah you become they come up and i got it's crazy but it's uh uh well actually we'll talk about this after. Okay, next PEDs. Honestly, you kind of got all of them there.

So, like, skinny, muscle, brain, sex, you already have a Viagra. Yeah. Honestly, I was going to say something to keep you regular. What are you, like, 100 years old? Like, prunes exist. what are you like a hundred years old exist yeah like that very much already exists and is also a disgusting answer for you that's like this this man said what is the next pill that can unlock like anything and you were like pooping you get a good nice poop yeah but that already heavily exists yeah but the eyes and only like old men and women worry about it so get to the fucking nursing home uh but really i mean like this kind of is like

i think they always said that like you know there was diet pills and stuff like that but it really was like the one thing you couldn't cheat you know right i guess honestly i think it's the last one to be honest like I think they figured out sex. They figured out your brain. They figured out your muscles. And the one thing you couldn't do, though, is just take a pill to get skinny. And then they do. Well, so I guess in this case, my answer would be –

So he said like Ozempic steroids. Those are kind of like two ends of the same thing. What do you mean? Like it's like weight loss and stuff like that. Like it's either putting on muscle or losing muscle, really. Well, a Zempik is really, it's just, it triggers your brain to not be hungry. Right. So it's not, I don't think it actually burns fat.

But the result is. Yeah, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I think my result would be, my choice would be, like, the opposite of Adderall. Like, I want, like. Something to calm you down? Something to forget. Ooh. Right? Something so you don't, like, something of that at all like i want like something to calm you down something to forget oh right something so you don't like something you're just like like a memory loss yeah yeah because you know what the other yeah it's like uh i mean i guess you would

say like antidepressants but antidepressants that work yeah like like that aren't so like it's not like it changes it's just like a because what ozempic is is like a cheat code like when you take those other those like uh antidepressants you still have to work on yourself and do all that i want a pill that can be like let me get rid of this thing yeah like i want to i want to get rid of this guilt i want to get rid of this uh this insecurity i want to get rid of this memory all that shit like you ever have like something where you just... Like an ick. Imagine you could stop an ick. Get rid of an ick.

That would be unbelievable. Yeah. What are you making that voice? What is that about? No. Yeah, yeah. That's a good one. Yeah.

Like the minute that you have an ick about in your marriage and you're like, fuck. Yeah. When your wife does something with her pussy that's not fucking sexual. You ever seen that? You ever had someone like... When you say does something with, what does that mean? What do you do with your pussy? You ever seen Failure to Launch where Matthew McConaughey

is talking about like that moment in a relationship? Like every relationship I've ever been in has a moment where like, I'm like okay we are too close uh-huh yeah like like dude chicks will just do some shit with their pussy where you're just like why did you do that man like i'm gonna need an example yeah like just like saying like waxing no like like you're you like, have you ever, like, fucking, like, checked to see if you're on your period or something like that? Like, you ever seen, like, your girlfriend or a girl, like, basically, like. Cup check, just like.

Like, do you, like, check their pussy? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, bro, you'll be standing in the, be standing you'll be standing in the bedroom and it's just like no you're like what the fuck was that dude yo

I definitely see like a look in there like an adjustment I'm like what is in there whatever that happens if I could take a forget me now That's the one Forget me now That's exactly what you need Dude

They'll fucking go in there Hooch like they're looking For change in the couch We're just like Like a tongue Nope Like a scoop of frosting Oh man that's so true

What's the equivalent For a girl on that one I guess guys are just Kind of gross all the time So it's like you deal With that from the jump Like a scoop of frosting. Oh, man. That's so true. What's the equivalent for a girl on that one? I guess guys are just kind of gross all the time. So it's like you deal with that from the jump. That is a little bit. That's a different thing. It's like girls are just trained that guys are going to be kind of gross. So you have to deal with that. Whereas girls are like dainty and like pretty and perfect.

And then you have to deal with the first time you see that they're not. Yeah. I mean, I really don't. I also just feel like it's disrespectful. Like if you're like farting in front of me or whatever it's like i don't try yeah i don't i don't subscribe to any of that the people who are like that's the most comfortable and like the best relationships like well then i don't know man i'll just keep breaking up i'll just like i don't want that i don't want that it is kind of like the same thing like uh i do feel like once you have the thought in your head that like you want to you're considering breaking up with someone like you can't get that thought

out ever yeah and it's and and well and i mean you probably should listen to your thoughts on those but when you know it's like man this person is like they're nice they're pretty they're successful they're like everything's good but i'm just being like a picky asshole if I could just and be happy just be a guy who doesn't care that they're fucking digging for gold it's like it's like they're picking their notes they're just blowing their noses

they check their fingers oh my god that's so fucking funny that is so god damn hilarious That is so goddamn hilarious. Yeah, listen, I didn't think my answer was going to be a roofie to forget when your girl checks her pussy, but that's a good one. I don't know if I can beat that one. I love that look. They kind of look up to the sky? Yeah, it's like when a dog takes a shit

like there's no eye contact oh my god that is so good memory memory eraser is a great overall one any anything that's like yeah yeah. That has wide usage, too. If you take a pill to forget you've seen a movie, watch that for the first time. Yeah. Watch a TV show for the first time. Try a meal for the first time. This is great. That's a great answer, John.

Take a pill to erase that you sent the ridiculous tweet to a golf model, which we have a response from Paige Sprannick that I'm sure sent a shiver down the spine of many an employee at Barstool. We were making fun of Dante for his tweet to Paige Sprannick late night saying that he subscribed to her only fans or her only Paige account

and Paige replied that it was not even in the top three thirstiest text, tweets, whatever she's gotten from Barstool employees and then she offered Dante a free month next month and I'm sure, I was like what have I said?

hang on, let's check so I don't know I guess Dante wins, wins that round? no, Dante doesn't win that round Dante's never beat me in anything. But he was like – he's so funny, man. Because he's – you can't like feud with him because he doesn't have a brain. So like he texted me.

He's like, guess you got to see the table. Looks like I win. I'm like, it's not a real date, Dante. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's not like – Dante thinks it's a real date. Dante's like, yeah, I'm going to date the Paige Brennan. You know what?

He's actually going to do it. I'm sure she's going to do it because Paige would love to go to Barstool Sports. Totally. Not only Paige. Right, right, right. That's right. Yeah, like he doesn't realize that it's he's getting used he thinks it's like a real thing yeah that's that's pretty hard to when

someone's like dunking on you it's like oh that girl's giving me a pity date publicly on the internet i win bro he's so funny the craziest thing about him is when like i think we've established it now, so maybe this will be the last time. He's so confused when we want to have him on the show to bust balls. I'm like, what do you think? Are we just texting you being like, we want to talk about your DJ mixes. They're awesome. No, it's always going to be something

where we're making fun of you and we fight and we yell and you fight back and we bust balls. That's what we do here. I only get invited on other shows to get made fun of. Right. That's what happens. You get called into radio.

Hey, what's that weird thing you did? Let's talk about it. Yes. You get called into radio. It's not a good thing. You get called onto our show. But it's also, he's so sensitive that he doesn't like. I mean, that's also, we're not going to, you get called onto radio, it's usually like,

we're going to try to ruin your career. You get called on here, it's going to be like, hey, you did that thirsty thing with that girl that was funny. And he's like, that's what you two wanted to talk about? I read his little blog, and he's like, these guys always make me on the show because they want to make fun of me. Shut up, Dante. Shut the fuck up. You're like 40 years old. What does that mean?

A couple of late 30-year-olds talking to a 40-year-old. There's no making fun of and teasing going on. It's like – Come on, man. I guess literally. But you're acting like we're fucking pulling you aside at the schoolyard. I'm happy you said that, by the way. I'm getting sick of people telling me that I'm 40 when I talk about Drake and Kendrick Lamar and J. Cole.

Those rappers are my rappers. Those guys are 40. I can talk about that that that's not me being like i want to be like the young kids that's me it's being age appropriate they're all like 40 years old i think drake's like 38 i think i think kendrick lamar i think those guys are actually like my age i love hearing when a celebrity's older than me oh yeah there's not many left for me it is aside aside from like the old people it's it's there's not many left for me. It is. Aside from the old people, there's not many left. There's no athletes left.

I figured this out the other day. Me and LeBron are the same age. Udonis Haslam was one of them. He retired. Aaron Rodgers is one. Yeah. Actually, probably my most toxic trait is I always Google guests just to do a little research. But I definitely always check their age.

You get excited when they're younger? When they're older. I'm always like – You got time? I got two more years. Give me a couple more years. I could be Drake. Dude, I remember doing that.

I remember the first time I did that was Chris Pratt when Guardians of the Galaxy came out. And it was about getting in shape. So I was like, oh, I knew him as Andy Dwyer. And I was like, damn, he's ripped. And he popped up. He's 34. I was like, I got fucking 10 years before I can't get ripped. I don't have to worry about that.

I did it with Efron when we had Efron on. I was like, oh, Efron's older than me. I thought he was like 10 years younger than me. Yeah, I thought he was a young kid too. Can you give me Kendrick Lamar and J. Cole too? So Drake's 37. I think those other guys. 36.

Yeah, I think J. Cole might be a little bit younger. No, Drake's 39. All right, so these guys are all my fucking age. This is my music and my people to talk about leave me alone if i was sitting there talking about uh i don't even know i don't i can't even say the names i don't even know the names of the young rappers these this is my music leave me the fuck alone i can't stand that i also hate that you're 40 and you're white. This is not like 1992. White people listen to rap music. We've probably ruined it, yes, but we listen to it and we have listened to it for a long time.

And also 40-year-olds do too. Leave me alone. Let me talk about it. Let me just scream into the void. I realized I was doing that all week. No one at Barstool talks about this. None of our fan base. I was screaming into the void.

But I love it, so leave me alone. It is crazy that like i mean obviously there are rap fans here but i actually always think about that with like the early barstool employees how we're all essentially the same person yes in the sense that yeah within the exact same age same style same weight like it is uh you know very much the same person but weirdly within being a what age were we 25 a 25 year old white person sports fanatic we were all like extremely different versions of that of that thing you liked rap yeah dan like rock i liked punk rock and pop uh even just like the style the way you dress versus the way I dress.

As different as you can be, being the same person. But that's why it worked. I mean, that's why it worked. Because in the beginning... Dave's like a fucking Buffet guy. Yeah. I love Gaga.

I actually weirdly think me and Dave have the most similar taste in music. Probably. I would say so. With these and pop music yeah that shit he loved like but even like when we did those things like uh which barcel blogger are you and it was like this is this is crazy dude this is hang on hello hello it's fucking i don't know what people do how do you do things during the day?

Like, that's a delivery. They're like, I can't figure out. You're not home? What do you want me to do? I'm not home. I don't know how to fucking work. What do you do? What am I supposed to do, Kevin?

How am I supposed to? I just got, I'm just getting socks. How am I supposed to get these socks? I don't get why anything needs a signature or a person anymore. I thought we were in a world where like amazon has a drone fly into your house and like drop it in the fucking chimney why what is why do we need a what do they need what they got to get into my apartment um i don't know what to tell you yeah you can't get into my apartment because you okay yeah i mean i can i i guess that's where you need

like a package room or some shit like that or just like a spot where people put packages i can't understand in new york people will just steal your shit so yeah i know i get it like you you almost need like a uh a disclaimer on your amazon or whenever you you you buy something that says i'm okay with my shit gets stolen just leave it yeah i i will you will be not you'll not be responsible just fucking leave it it's crazy but i'm sorry to interrupt we were talking about music no i was just saying but i think the real reason why barstool worked in the beginning was now we have women we have old older people younger people every walk of life every fucking country in the world but in the beginning it was really like northeast guys sports fans but within that very you know uh what's the word when it's all the same?

Homogenous or some shit? We were, like, all the different spectrums. Right. So, like, we covered every white guy, you know? And even, like, funny things. Like, I remember early on joking that it was, like, I'm the Irish New York guy, but Dave is the Boston Jewish guy. Like, that should have been reversed so it's like everything we hit every little bit of the spectrum in the whitest white guy way possible but that is interesting that that and that by no design that was just like whoever was the funniest

writer like really got the job you know speaking of last episode i'm like kind of vindicated i got a lot of texts from people which which also, might I say. I knew that was going to happen. A very high quality of person. I still think, because I had some people say that to me too, but when we really got down to the nitty gritty, it was more like an internal monologue thing, not playing sitcom scenes out in your head like you do it's yeah

it's and it's so you had you had people saying that like they were like yeah like that like they will think of a topic and in their head say it to a person imaginary and then have them respond to it and then you respond to that it's not so like – like there's not an image of you responding. Like I say in my head. Kevin would probably say blank. And then – But see, that's a little bit different I guess. I can see that where it's just like – because I'll do that too.

I'll be like, oh, I want to talk about this on the show and I think John is going to agree with me or disagree with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't play it out the whole way it sounds like you do. That's kind of weirder. It's like, okay, now Kevin is going to say. Like do I really have that thought? It's better to just sounds like. It's kind of weirder. It's like, okay, now Kevin's going to say. Like, just actively have that thought. It's better to just have, like, a full dialogue. I'll tell you what.

I mean, sometimes it is just that. Sometimes it is just, like, back, back, back, back, back. I want a pill to not have that in my head if that was going on all the fucking time. It's not. I think I jokingly said, I think on the Instagram I commented. But, like, I don't, like, talk. I'm talking. I'm in the middle of a conversation. That's, I don't like talk. I'm talking.

I'm in the middle of a conversation. That's why I don't like talking. I'm busy. I'm talking. I've been talking all day. I spend the entire day talking. Literally and figuratively. Like I'm in a conversation the whole time.

I knew that was going to happen to you, though. I felt there was going to be – all of those things are the type of shit where you realize half the population is crazy compared – in your mind, you're like, that's fucking crazy. And they're saying the same thing about you. While we – since we did – since the question did come up, I just want to bring up that old viral. Can I say in the meantime, my answer to this is Ozempic, but with fat ass. Take a pill and have a fat ass? But Ozempic? Because it's so hard to maintain skinny body, fat ass.

So if there's a pill that can do it, it's Ozempic, but it keeps the fat ass. That's a great one for the girl. That is like the holy grail. Ozemic with fat ass. This is the viral thing that always pops up, and you can take two of them. One, stop one addiction. Two, you can master three skills. Three, change one body part.

Four, forget your ex. Five, always feel happy. Six, have a lot of money. Seven, add two inches to your height. That's going to be a big one. Eight, look 15 years younger. Or nine, eat food without gaining any weight. You can pick two of them okay i'm gonna have to look at it yeah um the 15 years younger is no dice no thanks i when i go for guys that's that's when i see younger pictures of me guys do not you never i would

say when you hit when you hit like 75 you might pick that yeah because even when you hit like 75, you might pick that. Yeah. Because even when you're like 55, you probably look better than when you were like 40. Because 40 is when you have kids and you're stressed. You look like me right now.

I hope when I'm 55, I look better than this. And when I'm 40, it's like I don't want to look like I'm 25 because I looked kind of like a little boy then. There's really no good years for that. Maybe when you're 50 and you want to look like you're 35 i don't know there's really never a good time for that with guys i i don't think there's ever a good

time for it with anybody like when girls are i don't think i don't think so i like i mean that's kind of crazy yeah i'm not trying to be but i mean it's secure but when you're like 45 if girls could look like as long as i'm a i got i like people my age well i i i do not like but we are you know i don't know i think we're the exception to the rule we talk we talk about this on on mostly sports and i was on brandon was like what's the hottest age for a woman and i was like whatever i think i said whatever a jan hathaway is but uh me and ann got a little thing going. You and Michael Keaton and then Anne. Me and Anne Hathaway have had a thing going for like five plus years now,

but she's just bringing a ruckus. But like Sidney Sweeney. Sidney Sweeney does not do anything for me, but I acknowledge Sidney Sweeney is clearly a gorgeous person that fucking producer who said he she said I don't get the Sidney Sweeney appeal she's not a good actress and she's not pretty and she's like this like 65 year old like ugly woman it's like bro come on you know it really sucks when you get to what it happens to every girl when you become like a 10 you get knocked for your looks it's almost better to be like not all the way super super sexy or like or are viewed as by

the like not that city sweeney is the most beautiful girl ever but once people think that you are that you get people knocking you yeah it's crazy it's like it's better to just be like an eight because once you get above that people are gonna be like well did you see this and did you see that they pick everything they don't really do that to like super models i guess i mean i guess not i guess it's more like um i think it's just people in in like entertainment and pop yeah models are pretty generally accepted yeah you right. It's like the guy pretty versus girl pretty. Yeah. The guy pretty gets knocked. Crazy. I guess. Some of those, I think, are blatantly better than the others.

I honestly have no interest in, how many of these? Nine? Seven? You really only, there's one that you should, everybody should pick. I have a lot of money. I think just flat out being happy is the one you should pick. I wouldn't want to always feel happy. Okay.

I like being sad. I like, I like, all right. I mean, I didn't take that to mean like you can never feel other feelings. Like if I'm, it's not like when somebody dies,

I'm just going to be like, I took that to mean like when you want to be happy, you're happy. I don't know if I'd want that. I think that's playing with the dangerous... I appreciate... Because if you're happy, you don't need to take the pills.

You don't need the money. You don't need this. You don't need that. But I like... I'm pretty good at knowing what I'm feeling. And I'm just like, okay, this is what we're doing today. And I like – I'm pretty good at knowing what I'm feeling. And I kind of – I'm just like, okay, this is what we're doing today. And I kind of like that sometimes. Okay. There are times, of course, where I'm like – you have to battle through something.

But like a lot of times I'm happy to feel whatever I'm feeling. Interesting. What do you think about that? I don't really know. I don't know how to. Would you take, what pills would you take? Oh,

shit. Probably the happy one. That you get to take two. Also, master three skills is a pretty broad thing where it's like, okay, I'm going to master

throwing a baseball and, you know singing and that's probably just like i'm gonna go be like a baseball player singer actor you know i mean like they're that's a pretty broad i feel like that one's just like cut the chase and make the money yeah choose the money one like unless you want like a skill to like dunking i guess although as i get older i wish like if i could just snap my fingers and i could be like i know how to paint and i know how to like dance and i know how to i don't know do something like if i could just do things that'd be pretty cool yeah the it's like when you're you

know it's just like what do i do i don't do anything i just do my job and i take care of my kids i don't like do things though and it's like if i could have three hobbies that i'm like fucking awesome at drawing drawing would be cool having the ability to draw um right now you could like play the piano draw and and uh i don't know i can't even think of things to do that's how little i do that's how little i'm good at things i can't even think of them but also i i feel like i really we've we've hit a point in the discourse with hobbies and things like that where people just refuse to accept what hobbies are. Yeah, it's like if you do some shit. Even within this job, watching TV is a hobby.

Watching movies is a hobby. We were talking about it the other day. This was a while ago, but whatever. And someone was like, what are your hobbies? And I was like, I guess working out would be a hobby. Like, that's not a hobby. I think people think of hobbies as like creating something. Yeah.

And it's like, that's not really a hobby. What is the definition of a hobby? I think it's probably just something you spend time on. Yeah, it's probably something you enjoy doing in your free time. Yeah. You know, and it's like that's not really a hobby. What is the definition of a hobby? I think it's probably just something you spend time on. Yeah. It's probably something you enjoy doing in your free time. Right. I think people think of it as like you need to create a painting or a piece of writing or a song or a dance routine or whatever. Well, like this job obviously is unique.

Like I'd say podcasting is a hobby yeah it's my profession but also i enjoy doing it more than i have to that well that's a big that's why i think it's that's a weird question for you because when you don't do your hobby for a living so like the vast majority of your week is taken up by something you fucking hate doing then outside of work you're like what do i do i don't do anything i don't do anything whereas like you might not even realize it but every time we do a podcast you get some sense of fulfillment yeah whatever sketches hobby right well that's those are for sure yeah like those are those are i think crossover into like passions almost we're lucky that we get to turn our hobby into a passion turn our passion to a job but um like when people say like what if i say hang out

with friends and they're like that's not a hobby it's like that's what i like to do my free time yeah there's something about just like literally sitting that's a hobby it's not a passion it's a hobby like it's something fun right hang out with your friends i i i uh i mean money is is one i don't know i mean money is not it's on the trick for me but i'm sure it does a lot for other people did I I was watching a clip from the I think it was Will Smith I don't think I know it was Will Smith

I don't know what show it was where he was talking about people with money and it's kind of interesting where he's like he's like 50 at 50 you flip and he's like because you realize it it didn't do anything for you it realized you realized that like that wasn't the answer either

if he's like at 50 it finally hits you that that wasn't it either right and he's like you've already bought everything you've already done all this like he was using jim carrey as a specific example where he's like watch he's like look at him at 50 he did completely he wasn't saying he became crazy or anything you're just saying he became a completely new person yeah because you're like well none of that's worked so i gotta try this now yeah and he's like he's like people with money and celebrity at 50 have a switch when they my thing is not i don't take for granted that like i there's you know i don't worry about bills and certain things but with every time i've gotten more money i've gotten more bills more responsibilities and more stress and maybe that's just because of my personal situation but like there are times where

i'm like i would give anything to go back to just like 25 making a little bit of money but no no responsibility i felt more like expendable income then than i do now now i'm like worried about like well now i'm like i gotta make sure i do something with this money and i gotta make sure i take care of everybody with this money and it's like it's just become more of a burden than anything but i can understand where that people are like who are struggling for money or like shut the fuck up i kind of feel like like being in my 20s now i'm kind of pinpointed like it feels like being in your 20s feels like like you know how when you spin a

wheel and then it starts to slow down and then you like you think it's gonna hit something and then like it doesn't and then it keeps going and it keeps going and you keep thinking it's gonna land somewhere and it doesn't and everyone's just like enjoy it just like enjoy your 20s like it's so fun and you're like i am but like i'm so nauseous and like i'm so like dizzy right now and like i'm trying to but like i don't know where this thing i just need this thing to fucking land somewhere and you can see where this is gonna land and like it's obviously so fun and like i want to be like i'm 25 and like i have like you know like i'm not like financially poor and everything but like it just feels like everything's spinning you're trying to like enjoy it but you're also just like where's this thing

gonna fucking land i gotta figure it out you know mean? You landed here. I don't think you need to figure it out. I think you're here. Also, I'm not financially poor is a funny sentence. I'm poor in everything else. I'm emotionally poor. I'm poor. I'm mentally

impoverished. Financially, though. I'm sure. I think, I i hope and i think in the next few years financially you'll be in a better spot and i think you'll be here and you know you i'm also whatever but like right now but i i just there it is hard to enjoy you know people in your 30s tell you to enjoy your 20s. People in your 40s are telling people in their 30s to enjoy your 30s.

It's always like a thing like that. But I think your 20s could be way worse than this, let me tell you. No, I mean, I love my life. Like, I really like feel like I enjoy. But I understand that feeling of like. But it is just like that background feeling of like, okay, but like.

What's next or what am I, you know? You know, like if this all goes away, do i have what skills right i don't know i i think these the only thing that's weird about these you some of these are very specific like if you have an ex that is like ruined your life yeah you would take that if you are addicted to something you'll take that if you you also disagree with that let me at you you want to let that burn yeah if you are super short career bro if you're super short you might want to add two inches if you have a fucking deformed body part you might want to change a body part but some like for the most of us for the rest of us i think

there's you you narrow it down pretty quickly to like money eating without gaining weight is pretty fire that's very cool. You might not worry about that now. You wouldn't take that because you're a manorexic with an eating disorder. I'm not manorexic. You're manorexic. You're manorexic. You're manorexic.

How am I manorexic? You have an addiction to the gym. But that's not manorexic. Isn't that what manorexic is? Huh? I thought manorexic. I weigh like 230 pounds. No, I thought manorexic was when you're addicted to the gym and working out.

Oh, I thought it was just men who are anorexic. Yeah. You got something. I thought... But I don't think you got something. I don't got nothing, Doc. Have I been using anorexic? I actually am also, from my food poisoning, I'm down to a svelte 215 right now.

You see, the glean which you said that makes you sound manorexic. I'm down to a svelte 215 right now. You see, the glee in what you said, that makes you sound manorexic. I'm manorexic. I actually... A form of an eating disorder that is characterized by an obsessive focus on appearing more muscular. Oh.

So that's not really... No, you're... I thought it was just a man with anorexia. No, yeah. I think it's closer to what you said. Yeah. No, you're just a meathead. So you don't need that one.

But yeah, what would you take? Let us know. Do you have other stuff or do you want to just do voicem you have other stuff you want just to voicemail um i think i should do voicemail okay i i you know i do have to say i can't stop watching adam sandler movies yo you said that the other day and i was not i was not gonna like yucky or yum um like if you're watching happy gilmore billy madison no some of those i'd be like all good but the fact that i if you're watching Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, some of those, I'd be like, all good. But the fact that I know you're watching like Adam Sandler movies post 2020 kind of concerns me. Dude, they're, but that's like, but they're, they're, they're, you haven't seen them.

They're unbelievable. Dude, they're the same. They're great. They're great. Do we think that maybe, cause I love the Sandman. I truly do. He, he, you know what my answer is? If I could take a pill and become Adam Sandler.

He genuinely, truly is my pinnacle. Like I love the way he schlubs around and he doesn't care. And I love how he's beloved by everybody and he has his family right and he has his money right. He truly is to me the absolute goal in life. That being said, maybe we're throwing around the word unbelievable a little a little lightly sure me but i don't know i'm laughing out loud like that's a that's a that's a good test of like you're you i'm just picturing you like watching like jack and jill being like he's dressed like a girl murder murder mystery the

do-over like unbelievable does he have does he put about like every year yeah yeah there's more than there's a lot of them yeah and he gets so much money from that right he has like a lifetime deal he's like the most watched man on netflix it's actually very weird that we and you know what's funny too is like when i talk to i can't stop watching people who i i i think are very funny people yeah and i tell them that almost in an admission they're like yeah yeah no fucking kidding like i told sass that the other day he's like dude they're unbelievable yeah i told nick the other day nick's like yeah i know they're great well i think what happens is when you i think that makes sense because people who are funny

truly don't like nitpick the funny. People who are genuinely funny comedians, I think, can be like, that guy who does the puppets is funny. That guy who does the physical comedy is funny. That guy who does the Attell style comedy is funny. It's all funny. So you don't start to be like, everything has to be witty, clever, biting. I mean, in stand-ups, we're friends with have fun.

In stand-up, we're like, no, that guy sucks. That guy, clever, biting. I mean, in stand-ups, we're friends with have, it's stand-up. We're like, no, that guy sucks. That guy, he does bite. But, like, with, I feel like within stand-up they might be. Yeah. And, you know, you're probably right. You're probably right. I think there's also people I think there's some people with funny stops which, I think I said on the show last time. Yeah, now I'm thinking about it. There's probably more on the other side than not. But I think the people who truly do

get it and aren't jealous or whatever that that will be like yeah yeah like that's fucking funny in my in my head i've been i've been being a funny snobber so i don't think i ever said anything out loud but like i think i would just see something like that's not funny um and i said all this like the conan thing on a hot hot ones maybe be like stop being a funny snob john so anyway so i started and like i mean they're they're unbelievable it's not even that he's super funny he's also just like a feel-good person yes it makes you in a

good mood exactly puts you in a good mood like whether or not it's not like uh the same as like yeah yeah right shampoo is better it's like that's funny i think if you know when you watch someone who's like a brilliant like they put together a brilliant stand-up. And that joke and that punchline is different than Adam Sandler. But when you put it on Adam Sandler, it's like... But Murder Mystery, Murder Mystery and the do-over, it's a funny that I thought it was going to be dumb

or funny. And it is just like him acting well and being funny. The one thing the Sandman needs to do is, because he flexes every now and then and he does like Uncaught Gems or click or something that makes you emotional but he hasn't done something that's funny that's not considered the rom-com thing you know like if he put together like a super bad right now that type of movie yeah that would be like a flex for him you know what i mean like that's oddly

enough the one thing he hasn't done is that really because all the funny things are still regarded as like the commercial funny not like the you know the really like good writing funny yeah but i feel like he could do that the i i think he could i think he's probably his crew like happy madison's like he's probably just like i don't need to do that i don't want to do that he's i mean he's the best dude. And you know, what is the absolute best thing about him? And I think it's something we don't like on the internet. Like the fact that every time he just hits the open gym and plays

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Yeah, I was in college going to like a D3 school in Boston, playing hockey there and, you know, I heard about this one guy who would like going to a D3 school in Boston playing hockey there. I heard about this one guy who would get choked out for money. He was nothing sexual, but being choked out by grown men, I guess. He hit me up one day on LinkedIn.

I knew exactly who he was just from the stories. One night, me and my buddy buddy we're at a bar we get super fucked up we're like fuck it let's let's go let's take it take this guy up on his offer so like we get to his house apartment like a sick apartment in downtown Boston and he's obviously rich got a weird fetish for straight dudes choking him out and uh you know me and my buddy we thought we were gonna get like chloroform we got in there and he was just like in sweatpants and a t-shirt and like went to like move the coffee table and just started choking this guy out like had him in a headlock he had his we were gouging his eyes out

like he would tap once in a while but it was just he had a very very high pain tolerance it was crazy and yeah like we did it for like an hour he gave us each like 1500 bucks and eventually we just started doing it like all the time, sometimes we'd go over there solo. You know, if me and my buddies were together, we'd throw the Bruins game on. I'd watch a full Bruins game with this guy in a chokehold. It was crazy. It would get to the point where, like, I'd be at, like, a face-off dot in college, like, lining up, and kids would be like, you're that guy who chokes out that old dude, huh?

And I was, like, kind of proud of it, too. I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, I mean, he'll still hit me up once in a while. I don't live in Boston anymore, but yeah, good times. Made a lot of money off that guy. So hopefully this is a good story for you. We are. Guess what, buddy?

You just made another thousand. I was going to say, we are off to the races. We are coming in hot. A great start to the new era of... I will... You know what? No matter what, this guy's getting $1,000. If somehow he gets beat, then that person, whoever calls in with that,

God bless them, they have the best story ever. This guy gets $1,000, guaranteed. That was one of the funniest things and the best delivery I've ever heard i i mean by the way there's nothing sexual about it buddy let me tell you there's something entirely sexual about it maybe not for you and your pal who were just watching the bruins but that guy was getting off every single time yeah there's old guys trolling the hockey players. And I'd like you to come and choke me out. It's not sexual.

I am going to come. Don't be coming in my pants, but nothing sexual. I mean, talk about a sweet gig. You get to go hang out in this awesome pad, in the whole world. In this awesome

pad, throw on the game, watch the Bruins beat the shit out of an old guy. That's the dream, baby. Yo, let's rank this. Okay, let's rank these people. In terms of,

I guess, awesomeness, old dude who likes to be choked out by young guys, right? Pretty high up there. Guy who takes him up on the offer. Pretty high up there. Guy who takes him up on the offer. Pretty high up there.

Friend who takes him up on the offer to go with him. Hey, man, you want to come with me to this guy's house and watch the Bruins while I choke him? Yeah, I'm down. I'm not doing anything. That guy's pretty awesome, too. These guys are all awesome. I like to think that he mentioned that occasionally you start going alone. And your friend's like, you're going without me now?

Come on, man. That's our thing. You're going without me? So what do you get, $3,000? You're not going to take my cut? I mean, that is the dream for a, you know, looks kind of like a meathead hockey guy. He's like, I get to fucking flex the muscles a little bit,

get some money, especially here in college. That kind kind of money every i'm assuming this guy used to probably call him up pretty frequently that kind of money every you know all the time uh what's crazy it enters all i'll tell you this much i'll like i'm down to ride with this guy love the whole thing gets a little weird if you're on the ice and people are going yo you're that dude who chokes old guys in boston that's even better dude when that's your rep you choke this happens so often and it's so open that people are like there's number you know 89 that guy yeah chokes out fucking old men like i feel like game planning like when you're game planning you know i remember like you know who someone's dating you know know maybe where they're going to college. You know where they play in summer league.

Right, right, right. You know a thing or two, and you're like, that's – Oh, yeah. You knew where they're from. This is boarding school. It's like, all right, they got four Canadians on that team. Right. But then you're like, they got that kid who just chokes motherfuckers out.

That would be incredibly intimidating. I would not want to fuck with that guy playing the fucking kid who chokes out old men now god damn it dude what would you do if you this is your boyfriend yeah what you're down yeah i mean i get it would you go with make your money yeah oh yeah yeah jack you just sit there with some popcorn yeah did it again you passed I get it. Would you go with? Make your money. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Did Jackie just sit there with some popcorn? Yeah. Did it again. He passed out right there on the floor.

It happened. I'd be like. Make that money. I honestly think, despite great guy, guy who goes with him, great guy, I think the person really living the dream here is the old guy. I mean, he just. I appreciate someone who knows what they want, the means to attain it goes out there puts themselves out there and just does it yeah i'm sure a lot of people whisper about him that's that weird old guy who gets choked out and he's like guess what brother brother i'm busting loads

that night that i love i'm having the time of my life everyone's like dude that guy pays you 1500 bucks he's at home being like i pay 10 grand yeah i was gonna say that guy if you can it's one of those things if you can pay 1500 bucks you can probably pay 15 000 yeah yeah like that's that's pennies you guys are doing this for so much cheaper he's like i'm winning business deals right now i'm getting autoerotically asphyxiated like this is everything that gets my rocks off being like that where you're like yeah dude it's, it's for sure weird. But wait, let me change the scenario because I'm sure if he's saying, incorrectly, but he's saying it wasn't sexual, that leads me to believe that like he's not like fucking cracking it while it's happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Now, but let's say it becomes sexual.

Let's say you're choking this old man and like as he's going out, he is moaning and groaning, and then as he passes out, he comes. Are you still doing that? You're not touching. He's not even really touching, but you go make old men come by choking them out. That gets a little weird. Then I think I'm drawing a line. I do think I'm drawing a line, too.

Now you're gay. That guy's not gay. As soon as that guy comes, he's gay. I don't even care about the gay tag so soon as that guy comes, he's gay. I don't even care about the gay tag so much as that I think it would derive my pleasure.

Yeah, be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You took it too far. When I thought you were in at least a little bit of pain, I was having fun with this. You're really enjoying

this too much. If you like it, then I can't like it. What about if he comes? Then are you saying no to your boyfriend? Because if your boyfriend's like, I'll be right back, babe. I'm going to watch the Bruins, and I'm going to Mr. Stevens' house.

Make this guy come. And you're like, cool. And then you find out. And he comes home with money. It's all good. But then you find out every time he leaves the house, he's making old men come. That might ick you. Yeah.

That might start to weigh on you. Especially as soon as the relationship starts to go south. You're like, oh, yeah, sure. You can go make that guy come, but you can't stay with me can you that's gonna be a problem yeah i wonder if like then like when he chokes girls in bed like that that's a dangerous line now i'm not fucking making money off of this it's not worth it all of a sudden all of a sudden you know when you're choking a girl or something you're thinking about an old man while you're having sex oh the next thing you know this is you're flying too close to the sun

on wings made of an old man who's getting 75 you're all good take it i mean all-timer you said it best like you're getting a thousand more buddy un-fucking-believable did did they you ever had a girl like choke herself in bed uh i've seen no like with your hand oh yeah yeah yeah yeah dude i i had that happen fairly recently and i was like this is crazy where it was like it was like putting a guillotine and i was like what are you doing? Bro, I remember – Stop doing that. I remember seeing all of like the –

It was like a baby holding their breath. Stop. Fucking breathe. I remember seeing all of the like sex therapist, sex positive podcasts, blah, blah, blah, being like when you choke a girl, like you're supposed to just like gently squeeze like the neck and not the airway. And then every girl I knew was like, no, like collapse my airway. Like fucking hit the trachea, man. It's like, yeah, I don't think you know what you're talking about.

The ones I know do not want oxygen in the brain. This is not how I choke old man. That is not how Mr. Stevenson likes it. He's like, just hold your arm up. I'll lay i'll lay on it yeah well that's the other thing you think he was just doing like like uh you know headlock you think he's doing like the guillotine and you see i think if you're just going through your hands you do it no you get all in it i i i if i if i'm choking an old man i got i gotta be in the headlock here but then i got i got you're doing the leg wrap and i'm pulling and you're doing the back see because then you also i would get worried about like breaking this old man's back yeah i also don't think he was old i think he's probably like

50 right i agree but okay so that's how you're doing it what if if you're the old man is that how you want it i don't think i'd like the legs wrapped me neither i think i think i would almost prefer just good hands. I'm free. Everything else is free. I could tap if I need to. No, because I don't want to. I love him being like, he had a pretty high pain tolerance. He used to tap out, but not very often.

I don't like eye contact. So I don't. You ever, you probably had this happen, when you're getting your beard trimmed. The good old beard trim eye contact? I don't know where to look. He's over my face. Here's my face. He's right there.

That's a bit weird. I can't look anywhere. I'm trying to look around like that. I don't lock eyes with him. I'll be honest. I don't – I've never gone to like a beard trimmer. I feel like he's doing it a little weird. He's over your face? Yeah, like put your head back. And now I'm like – like he's not looking at me.

Maybe I – you're looking at me a lot. I feel like there's a way that you can like – Maybe. I don't know. What do I know? The... Yeah, but that was that weirded me out. I don't like that. Yeah, it's terrible. I'm always fucking panicking laying in the bed like this. How long does that go for? Not the bed, but just like 20 minutes.

Wait a minute. So you and the barber are in bed. Yeah, and then the other Russian Jews suck at my dick. Why do you get your beard trimmed? I don't know how to do it. I mean, I don't think I have like a good... But I just have like a

clipper with a fucking thing on it and I just like do a little bit of the edges. I think you could do it yourself. I very obviously could do it myself. But the...

But if I'm saying... It's kind of just become routine. It's directly across... But if the whole time you're sitting there going, I don't like this, I don't know, I don't know, you don't have to do it yourself. I very obviously could do it myself. But the – But I'm saying – It's kind of just become routine. It's directly across – If you like it, but if the whole time you're sitting there going, I don't like this, I don't know. You don't have to do it anymore. I do like the guys, and I do like going to a barbershop, and then they do like the warm towel and stuff like that. I love that. It takes – it's literally across my apartment.

It takes 10 minutes. The hot towel was one of the – to go back to our last episode the death of the hot towel through covid bring that shit back i love that a lot of places that do that were like we're not allowed to do that and didn't bring it back yeah that's that's a very my boys yeah um do we have one more voicemail i mean you know who knows maybe maybe it can be beat but it's a tough act to follow. Wait, pause one thing. Sorry. I hate that.

I do believe he meant like eyes bulging, right? He said eye gouging. I don't think they were poking him in the eyes, right? I think they were choking him so much his eyes were going. I think that probably makes a lot more sense. When I heard eye gouging, I was like, Jesus Christ. That's pretty intense. If somebody was like, now poke my eyes out a bit.

I'm done there. Also, so is it like one continuous choke? Or is it just like tap out again? I feel like he gets his money's worth. Oh, yeah. I feel like he probably, in my mind, when I'm thinking of this, I'm thinking seven to ten times. Yeah, yeah. $1,500 sounds like a lot of money.

He earned every penny. Yeah. I think that's like, you know, first period, you choke him to ten times. Yeah, yeah. $1,500 sounds like a lot of money. He earned every penny. Yeah. I think that's like, you know, first period, you chug a couple times. Second period, like, he gets up, he's like, okay, I'm ready for more. I'm ready for more. It's like a girl being like, ready for another round? Like, you take a little bit of time in between, be like, I'm good. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash KFC. Hey, KFC fights in the game. So I've got a little story for you. Basically, my wife and I have been, we've got one kid already. We're getting ready to have another kid. And so, you know, we're not using any of the birth control or anything. But we're not quite ready to start trying yet. Long and bold. No, I've got pregnant anyway, so I'm like, you know, not totally unexpected. A little bit sooner than we wanted, but it's all good. Come to find out the first ultrasound, it's twins. I was like, oh, fuck, okay. That seems, you know, pretty unlikely, right? Turns out it's not twins. Go to another ultrasound like,

you know, 10 weeks later, she's like 16 weeks now. We find out they just fucking missed a baby at the first ultrasound. We're having triplets. Super unlikely, right? Like one in 10,000 shot at getting triplets spontaneously. Like we weren't doing IVF. We weren't doing fertility treatments. She's not over 35. Like none of the risk factors there. We're having triplets anyways. The thing that makes this absolutely insane, I fucking pulled out. So thing number one, PSA, everybody out there, don't use the pullout method. It doesn't work. You could end up with triplets. Thing number two, that's like for sure the most statistically unlikely thing that has ever happened to me that I could fucking pull out literally the one time that we had sex that month. Again, we have a 20 month old.

Kind of goes without saying, we're not getting any. And I got triplets. So I'm trying to wrap my head around that, but I wanted to hear from you guys. What do you think is the most statistically unlikely thing that has ever happened to you? You believing that you're the father of those kids. That's why.

You had sex once this month and you pulled out? I mean, I – That's where my mind went. I actually think like pulling out, of course. Yeah, people get pregnant all the time. I mean, yeah. Like here's the thing i i i from what i know about it having a kid uh conceiving kid is like pretty hard it's got to be like the right time everything for that that moment has to like align pretty well so like the pull out when you have a kid from pulling out, I think it's pretty rare.

I think pulling out usually is pretty goddamn successful. Yeah, and John is coming from the other side of the aisle here. It's not perfect. This guy's telling a story the whole time. I'm like, I've been there, brother. I'm sitting there holding my wife's hand. You ever ever got an ultrasound with someone you're hoping they don't find something and then they find something kevin uh the uh that that that that that's how it went down you were there for the ultrasound no no no no yeah that's what i mean though you know because a lot of times it's

you know i'm just saying if we're talking about statistical probabilities we also just should put that one on the table you had sex once and you pulled out i don't know i don't know i don't want to ruin this guy's day but that's what i was thinking we can throw that out we could just talk about how much it sucks that you're raising triplets now it is I was I cannot imagine dude I know it's

like something you have to be like God blessed us or whatever but it's like no if you get if you get surprised triplets the government should subsidize you I mean they almost like have to it's like like when when especially when you hear about the people who have octuplets, it's like you have to call Oprah and get on her show because otherwise you're not going to be able to survive as a family.

But the octuplets, I feel like those you try to have. Well, no, no. It's not like the mom, she tried to have a baby. It's that you're doing IVF, trying for a baby, and that it can result in more because you're gaming the system a little bit, that's usually triplets and all that shit are

a result of, we wanted one baby, three eggs took, we're having three. That sort of thing. Even in that case, I don't want that bad. Compared to what you're saying? I just abort them. Oh, yeah. That's always an option.

I'll tell you that much. I don't think I've ever heard of someone. Triple abortion? Yeah, like I've got three, and so I'm going to need triple the dose or whatever. That's insane. Imagine eight took, and you're like. Get rid of them all. You're like, yeah, no, let's do a genocide.

You go to like an anti-abortion rally, it's like you guys You don't even want to know I'm a serial killer I'm a mass murderer bro I am the Jack the Ripper Of abortions That would be so funny You go to the abortion clinic So we're just

Can I get the We're going to terminate a pregnancy today We're going to terminate eight Can I get the Supermax deal It's like when you get your car washed and there's certain levels i'll take the full package one yeah the the the one thousand dollar one yeah i need that do you think they charge by the one fee yeah i bet you they charge by the bait abortions i bet you you're paying or fine here's 900 bucks

you got me Here's 900 bucks. You got me. Oh, man. This is a great episode. Like, I know a kid who had twins off the rip. All he ever knew was two babies. So he went from our fun-ass lifestyle, drinking, partying, who's a firefighter, just living like a very – living that life. And then he had two babies all of a sudden. But it was the same culture shock as for me where it was just like no sleep, not doing anything fun, all that shit.

He just had to do with two of them. But he never knew anything else i have a friend who had one baby first and knew the struggle of like what's it like to put one baby to bed what's it like to change one diaper what's it like to you know all that shit and then he had twins and he's like it's just twice as hard and like three times as hard because i still have the first one so like i put one to bed that one starts crying that one wakes up and he just like it's back and forth back and forth this one like if this one's going to the bathroom that one probably is too because they're doing everything at the same exact time and it's

twice as much money and twice and i was just like i don't know what i would do triplets is you know and two people with twins is almost as crazy as me knowing the person with no arm and person with no leg yeah i guess so that is why I don't know anybody with twins. I know at least three. Really? Yeah. I know three. I know a set of twins.

Four. You have four people with twins? I know two sets of twins and then two people who had twins. But none of these people you met through your kids, right? No. Okay, I was going to say, because that's kind of cheating. once you're just hanging around people with kids all the time I know I had twins in high school my cousin was dating someone who was a twin

who I know and then two friends had twins that's crazy Asa Akira's dream she used to love that shit that was a thing there was a viral tweet the other day I just saw a pregnant Asian lady for the first time She got hung around my friends. Remember that? She used to love that shit. That was the thing. There was a viral tweet the other day.

I just saw a pregnant Asian lady for the first time. Everyone was like, oh my god. I've never seen a pregnant Asian lady. I've never seen a pregnant Asian lady finger herself. She gave the check. Stole a baby in there. Yep, stole a baby in there. Yep, still a baby in there. All right.

Killer voicemails. Killer. If this is the bar, let's go. Also, if you don't want to put your face in, you don't have to, but you can't just film a black screen. You can film your car. You can film the wall. I just think a black screen is got to do something. Yeah.

Film a funny picture. Yeah. Put up a picture of triplets and film screen is gotta do something yeah so film a funny picture yeah put up a picture of triplets and film that just do something a tv show on mute sure whatever anything just put do a tv show on mute i can name that episode oh i like that i like that but do your face first if you want to yeah yeah uh so send in your voicemails once again uh any other social media uh channels the links are there for you to submit the video uh right now the far and away leader in the clubhouse is boston guy choking out the old man but triplets guy is good too so uh very hot start i'll see you guys next week all right we're just about to end the episode okay but i i cut open twitter real quick and uh rolling stone this is some this is i actually i'm glad we're still doing this because

i was gonna say i i had to apologize to the guy who called him about the boston voicemail because i stereotyped him i he popped up and i went this story's gonna suck he's too handsome don't judge a book he's a handsome guy i was went this story's gonna suck he's too handsome don't judge a book he's a handsome guy i was like this story's gonna suck yeah um another form of pretty privilege here uh billy eilish tells rolling stone she likes to masturbate in front of a mirror gives a quote partly because it's hot but it also makes me have such a raw deep connection to myself and my body and have a love for my body that i have never not really ever had now billy good for her all that stuff yeah yeah yeah if you fucking if you made me if you like put like some pill in me where it's like you have to

masturbate in front of mirrors i'd never masturb masturbate again. Never again. Never again. The full – like a full picture of it too. You know what I mean? Like I could probably see like as terrible as it would be. Like if it was just my head, I don't know, whatever, right? But if you see like my full body. Yeah, the head is not the issue with my naked body, Kevin. Right, right. I'm thinking like –

It's the rest of my naked body. Like everything like but everything like from my feet my toes my belly my like the way my arm is moving like all of it forget about just like the dick and the weird stuff the rest of it's probably even worse the second best part outside the head right like the dick is not the problem it's not the masturbating it's just the rest of my body it's everything it's actually just me looking in a mirror at myself it's me looking at a mirror doing anything i just happen to be masturbating like it's like bro if you're mad like it's it's me here's what it is it's me in front of

a mirror moving at all if there is movement disaster i would also get so in my own head wow that like so i would hold my dick in a way that makes my dick look better in the mirror you'd be jerking off like like but then in my head i'd be like you're fucking it's not what it looks like dude you're fucking lying right now how do you think you'd hold it i'd hold it drake way drake style what did he do when drake when drake had this kind of like no we talked about this, Kevin. Drake faked it. Well, he covered up his ass. I know that. Remember that?

So what Drake did was so clear, so obvious, was Drake had his legs up. Yep, he had very strategic. He had fucking... Blankets kind of pulled up. Up over the cornhole. Yeah. And then he, because it was... Oh, he held the balls

so you're seeing full shaft and then it looks like a much bigger dick you're basically you would have to be jerking off your balls just tugging on your balls back and forth while your whole dick is just not getting touched

and guess what you're never coming so like if someone was watching or whatever it was like like, all right, jerk off in front of this mirror. It's never happening because all I'm doing is pulling on my balls. Also, this is some shit that just – Do girls know that, by the way, that trick? I didn't until you guys. Yeah, like you can grab pretty much any package by the balls and make a dick look huge. Yeah.

And it's like that's – but that's not what you're getting. No. Unless somehow I'm putting it all in there. You're not getting like 40% of that. But this is also like – women have it worse in a million aspects. And stuff like this, they have it great where – because're that is beautiful heroism that's body empowerment like oh of course the vagina is so powerful this is beautiful by billy if i was like if i was like hey guys i've been doing something i've been fucking i just i only jerk off right in

front of the mirror staring directly at myself. You guys will be like, what a narcissistic psychopath that man is. He's a lunatic. He's a sociopath. You'd be put on a list. If somebody came out, if like, who's a good comparable to Billy Eilish?

It doesn't even matter. If some guy came out in public, who? Jacob Elordi, I guess. He could get away with murder that guy yeah so maybe maybe maybe you'd have to be somebody a little uglier if jonah hill was like i jerk off in front of a mirror they'd be like you're a sex offender no it doesn't matter got any guy like you're on that is narcissism that is a power play that is blah blah it's's all fucking Patrick Bateman stuff yes lovely that is how the goddess Athena must have thank you the female form is gorgeous it's what's her face from uh big lubowski it's exactly yeah it's julianne moore from big i derive my power from my lips and my that is so fucking true

and it's also like billy i'm sure every girl in the world has has you know uh insecurities and body issues and stuff but it's like billy is pretty fucking hot it's not like it's not like her in front of the mirror is like a gross image i'd be like that's pretty awesome want to know what completely flips the game here what if she's like oh you guys know i meant doggy so so that so that was gonna be my that was gonna be my question he's like no i oh, I thought I was going to the front. I've been going under. That was actually, before we got off on the Aphrodite tangent,

my question was going to be, how would you do that? If you were going to masturbate in front of a mirror, are we talking standing up? Are we talking she's laying down? I'm visualizing a full-length mirror on the floor, maybe. You're laying on your back on the floor? No, just knees. Knees?

Knees? What? Chick's got knees, mate. Chick's got knees forged in boot camp. You know what I mean? They're made out of the Lord of the Rings material. This is a carpeted rug. If I got on my knees right now, I could sit there for 12 seconds.

Dude, the last time I tried to do any activity on my knees, I was like, switch this up. Switch this the fuck up. I can do it if I sit perfectly straight. I can sit here for 12 seconds. Once I start shifting weight around. No fucking chance. No, bro.

One shift. Done. One shift. I'm like, ugh. It's like bone on concrete, and there's rubbing and friction and shit. The ripping and the tearing. You would be on your knees? I mean, I don't know.

That's. Almost like as if you were on top? Well, I'm just picturing. Yeah. Like almost. Just like sitting. Not like. I guess.

No, not like on your knees. Like just sitting like on your legs. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. I literally don't. No, I mean i i think i understand i mean i'm sure it's also like maybe just like i was just picturing because i don't like you can't see a mirror from my bed so it's like i see i think everyone's just picturing the

mirror in their room like logistically that like the only way i guess there is but like i was picturing i don't know i was picturing no i was picturing, I don't know. I was picturing, no, I was picturing like you pictured, like just a full-length mirror that's like. But I think everyone's mind is going to the one in there. In their hat, yeah. Like the one, to do it in mine, I would have to be like, I'd have to be in a fetal position. Oh, yeah.

Like, it's like this. Okay, okay, okay. Because, like, my bed's so high that, like, it has to be like. Cram yourself in there. Yeah. And then Okay. All right. Because my bed's so high. It has to be like. Cram yourself in there. Yeah. And then you're like this. Oh, God.

I call the police on myself. I don't know. There's this guy who wants to jerk it off in my bedroom. Get him out. Where is he, sir? It's me. He won't fucking stop. It's disgusting.

Oh, man. Shout out, Billie Eilish. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.