KFC Radio - Bob Saget, Big Jay Oakerson, and The Edge

Episode Date: April 23, 2019

KFC opens up a little bit more and expands on his blog about his family life. Read it here if you haven't already: https://www.barstoolsports.com/newyork/the-edgeBob Saget stops by to chat about his new movie, Benjamin, why he thinks KFC has a low IQ, how his balls have 20/20 vision and why people's perception of him vary wildly. Big Jay Oakerson tells a hyterical story about dressing up as Winnie the Pooh and driving around hookers and strippersYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio, presented by Postmates, brought to you by 1-800-Flowers. It's that time of year again. Oh, baby. You know it. Mother's Day is coming up. Pause. Right now, pause. Just go do it. It's the same thing every time.

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There's a lot of people on the list to check off this year. So go to 1-800-Flowers.com. Use the promo code KFC. And you can get that 36 for 36 offer. All right, we up in here. I guess it's rather appropriate that we opened up with a Mother's Day ad and that Mother's Day is around the corner after the fucking long ass verbal diarrhea blog I put up. You know, I like to hear things from the horse's mouth.

So I intentionally did not read it. Also, I heard it was long. Super long. It's the longest thing I've ever written by far. Although what's funny is as I was writing it, the thing that I was comparing it to word count wise, which is like a similar close thing is Eminem versus MGK. I was just babbling on that blog. This one, at least there was a reason why it was so long. But yeah, it's long. You probably won't ever read it if I'm being honest. Once you tell it to me, no, I've seen the movie. Yeah. Honestly, this is the Game of Thrones. Like, I just wrote the book, and then this is the TV version.

I'll go give you a click if you want. But I was telling Keith that I wasn't, like, saving it intentionally. And he goes, it's probably smart. It's pretty long. He didn't handle it. It's long, and that, what you may have read, if you did read it, is the cut-down version. It was a lot. How long did you spend, like, the weekend writing?

No, it was one night. I just did all of them on shot. Yeah, i i wrote it from uh saturday night i probably wrote it from about 7 to 10 30 there's a lot of right it is and i mean it was straight through you know i did i was so corny about it about it i put on uh some eminem like instrumental music if i listen to music with words and i'm and i'm writing, I start singing the words and shit like that. Don't do it. Can't do it, yeah. But I needed something to zone in, so I just put on,

it was like a lose yourself instrumental, and I looped around for a while. I probably listened to that like 65,000 times. Come on. I listened to... Oh, man, you were probably like taking breaks in between sentences to do push-ups and stuff. I was jacked up.

I was jacked up. Because originally I was like, all right, I'm going to start this, because it's something I've been meaning to write forever and i just hadn't and i was like just start it and go back to it and we'll do this over the course of like a week and then it just kept going and going and i was like you know what i'm not gonna capture this again so just keep going and truth is i don't have anything else to do it was saturday night i just given the kids back i didn't have any plans i had the ball game on on mute. I was just like, you know, if there's ever a time to do it, it's now.

So I just kept going and going. So take me through it. And by it, I mean, first of all, what's the blog about? Yeah, we got to get all into it. So after I cheated and everything went public, I kind of came out. I made that apology video, and we talked about it. And then that was really it. And then I tried to really like not mention it. Or if I, if I, when I say mention it, there've been plenty of times where I said like, Oh, well, listen, I know what that's like. Cause I cheated or I made allusions to it, you know, but I've never

talked about it. I've never told my side of the story. I probably never really will, but this was, this was more my side than I had ever let on because it's just it's time. Like the amount of I don't know what it is. I don't know why it is. Maybe maybe you have some thoughts on this. Everybody else who's gone through what I've gone through in some sort of public figure position, whatever you want to call it here at Barstool. It's always so awkward. I don't want to say fame.

It's not quite fame, but hey, it's more than the average person. Everyone else just seems to be forgiven and moved on. And it just didn't ever happen for me. Like, I mean, and it's to the point where it's not people that I ever really pay attention to. I know the motivations behind it when a troll or whoever is just constantly bringing it up. Um, but it was just like everything I tweeted, the first response is, is in response to it. And everything I say is, is that is somehow tied to it and brought up to it. Um, and so that started to weigh on me and not in a way like the whole point of this was not like about my, uh, about my career or really about me, but I think

that I have grown and changed and I can't expect expect the audience to know that if I don't tell them. So as much as there is this part of me that wants the public to move on and stop with the constant comparisons and bringing it up, it was much more about me just like, everybody has always been led into my life. And now for the longest time, the most important thing in my life, I have been like, I haven't said anything about, so I got to keep consistent. I want to get back to being able

also, uh, when I, you know, there are things I want to talk about now, like I'm starting to date again. And, uh, I would like to talk about that. Or there's a story, there's a story about like someone else cheating. And I'm like, Oh, I would like to say this, but like, Oh, I can't. Cause what, you know, what if, what's the reaction going to be? What's the perception going to be? And so I, I gotta be honest, like, that's how I make my money. That's how I, that's what my career is. That's how we do this. And if I can't do that, I'm going to end up dead. So I, I need, I needed to be able to get back to that. So, um, you know, that was kind of the motivation behind it. And really what set it off, uh, is, is, uh, you know that was kind of the motivation behind it really what set it off uh is is uh you

know fucking scumbag yankee fans uh they they always that's the case for everything as always it all it all can come back to scumbag fans yeah fans they they are out of every uh you know sect of people they always latch on to the cheater on your wife stuff. So no matter what, and I'm obviously always busting Yankee fans balls and they just, they lean right on that crutch every single time. And so this weekend I had tweeted the Jerry Seinfeld gift where he's eating popcorn. He goes,

ah, that's a shame. And so I said, I said, Aaron judge is hurt. And that's a shame. And you know, right in line with that,

you hate to see that stuff. And Yankee fans just go fucking bananas. And I'm used to, like, everything they said. Nothing was original. Nothing was funny. Actually, recently there was one. I finally found one funny divorce joke. And it was the other day.

I tweeted out a picture. I was doing laundry. And I was doing the kids' laundry. And I had 13 individual socks of theirs. No matches. An entire load of laundry, not a single match. And I was just like, what the fuck is this? And someone tweeted like,

well, your wife gets half of everything. And I'm like, funny. See, that's funny. That was good. That's a strong, strong joke. And I quote tweeted and I was like, honestly, this is the first time I've laughed at a joke in a while.

And it's true. Like, what a cruel fate that would be if you cheat, your punishment is you get mismatched socks for the rest of your life but that that's also your issue too right like it's not if you can be funny about it be funny absolutely with everything it's never it's don't be i don't even know what the i just i don't understand people who genuinely try and hurt someone or like be and like we i make fun of people all the time but like i'm never doing it in like a sense to i don't genuinely want to hurt a person right yeah no this is malicious they're coming they want it and and it's i mean it's about you know i make fun of their baseball

team and and that's what's funny too is they act like they're super offended or horrified by what i did and it's like you're saying this because of erin judge like you know this is just because of a baseball argument that you're saying this you just want to try to cut me deepest or hit me where it hurts. But don't act like you're actually, you know, morally upset about this because you wouldn't have said shit until I made fun of Aaron Judge. I actually had like a nightmare fairly recently that like someone in my family died. And one of the major issues was that every tweet I sent, people were like, at least my dad's not dead.

And it's like, Jesus Christ. But that's how the Twitter works. You have to prepare for that. Absolutely. That's what's going to happen. It's all on the table. And you know what? Someone did it just last night.

Someone tweeted, was it last night that the Trailblazers beat Oklahoma City? And I think it was an Oklahoma, whatever writer. But a writer just kind of did comment on the game. And someone said, you're just jealous because Russell's daughter's not dead like yours and the guy gave

I think it was Royce Young and he gave like a genuine response where he said like I know you're just a moron on Twitter and I know your goal

was to hurt me but I just wanted you to know you succeeded and I was like good and it was like what kind of fucking maniac are you I mean that if I was Royce Young I'd like he's like what kind of fucking maniac are you i

mean that if i was royce young i'd like find that guy i'd meet me in temecula i think that's actually the best response you can give yeah i know you're trying to do and i want you to know you succeeded and that's how big of a fucking piece of shit you are that is trash man i mean but you know that yeah that is basically what does happen to me on a much lesser level than someone who's lost their daughter but you know every single time it's it's uh you know, every single time it's, it's, uh, you know, when it's funny, it's funny. And I, I, and I'm, I said this in the blog, I know you reap what you sow. I know what Barstool is very combative and aggressive and antagonistic and we talk shit. So people are going to try to talk shit back, you know? And I, and I think that was maybe what I've, what I figured out about, you know,

when I would look at like a Kevin Hart or these other megastars who are way more famous than me, who everyone just forgot about. It's because Kevin Hart went back to making buddy cop films. And it was just like he just goes back to making funny movies and being like a goofball kind of. Whereas I had to go back to this like reality TV show type of life where we're going to battle and fight. And I'm going to pick fights and they're gonna pick with me are we naive i i don't ever look at kevin hart's mentions but i always think that with you could be that yeah i'm like like why are the people still so hung up on this are people hung up on everybody yeah that's a good point that's a good point i mean i i i don't know i also don't know if like there's necessarily like i can you i just i just

can't get it's one of those things where we're so lucky that people care about us but also i'm like i can't imagine being for two years being upset that there was infidelity yeah we're pushing like two years i think you told me and i was like okay yeah i'm your best friend right right you made it you made a a cameo i made a cameo i made a cameo in the blog oh okay because i uh and it all ties into i titled the blog the edge because hunter s thompson has an awesome quote about The Edge. Basically explaining like the only people who can understand The Edge are the people who have gone over it. And so, and that's kind of where we're at here is like I have gone over The Edge. I would like to resume my career.

Not that I really stopped it, but I want to like fully embrace it again where I can talk about my life experiences. So I can be like, I went over The Edge. Have you been like tiptoeing a lot? I haven't noticed it. I'm just curious. Yeah. I mean, when I'm, when, when it comes to like telling personal stories, which is like what we do here, I've been like, oh man, you know, if I, if I talk about like going out on a date, people are going to think that's like distasteful or whatever. And, but I don't really hold back on jokes or anything. I guess maybe there are times where um there are definitely times where i put out like a disclaimer on my take you know i think i know i'm the guy who

cheated on my wife but blah blah and i want to get back to saying what i think because i still think i'm done with disclaimers yeah i'm done i can't do it you know and even if it's directly saying that with brendan frazier i don't know that when that's going on but we're saying the other day where he was like he kind of did the same thing where it's like world's smallest violin but yeah i had a tough time yeah it's like don's smallest violin, but yeah, I had a tough time. Yeah. It's like, don't even say the world's going to have a tough time.

Yes. Yes. And, and I, I like, it could be directly hypocritical to what I'm saying. Like, uh,

you shouldn't cheat, you know? And it's like, but you did, it's like, fine, I did, but I,

this is my take. And I think you shouldn't, or whatever it may be, even if it's hypocritical. I mean, like technically you're an expert in the field. Well, that's the other thing too, is that a lot of people were like, you're not relatable anymore. And when I say a lotritical. I mean, like, technically you're an expert in the field. Well, that's the other thing, too, is that a lot of people are like,

you're not relatable anymore. And when I say a lot of people, I mean, like, people on social media and commenters and feedback. So it's not, you know, maybe it's a very vocal minority, and I should just not worry about it. But, you know, when people start to see those things, they start to believe it themselves. And I just, the last thing I want is for people to actually buy into this idea

that I'm less relatable because the sad reality of the world is that I am probably more relatable and I don't get the idea. I mean, I think about the people who I like to listen to or who I find the most influential or or intriguing. And they're the people who have gone through shit, you know? Yeah. It's like every people are the most interesting. Yeah. Like if I just had a podcast and I was just like, yeah, no, I have a wife and two kids and I'm perfectly happy and everything's good. And I go home and I eat and I clean and I come back,

you know, it's like, yeah. And I'm sure there are some people who, you know, uh, think that that's what's relatable. I said,

listen, you're either someone who's gone over the edge with me and it's either because of infidelity or drugs or gambling or friends or family work. Like you fucked up in some way. You got over the edge. You get it. Or maybe you've never gone over the edge, but you're one of these guys who's sitting at home in the same type of marriage I was in.

And you're like, shit, I could understand that. Like I've thought about doing it. And so now we can talk about that. I can tell you why you shouldn't go over or what it's like when you do go over the edge. And then if you're a person who's never gone over the edge, don't think you're ever going to go over the edge. Can't even envision a scenario where you would approach the edge. If you're that person, you're boring. That's what I said. I said, you're, I said, you're very lucky and you're probably very boring and you're never

going to like what I have to say. You won't, you won't ever, uh, consider anything I say because you think that I am, uh, you know, I, I'm flawed, but I don't think that means that I'm like, not, uh, I can't give advice or I can't, I think if anything, that means i can give advice is that i know it through and through whereas a lot of other people are just speculating on what it's like to go through a fucked up family situation so uh to the boring and lucky people i'll probably you know i probably won't ever have your support i would imagine they're not listening to this podcast that's the thing too it was like i even said i was like you'll probably turn the dial when you're listening to my show like i don't even mean because they don't like you i just because they're boring yeah i, you'll probably turn the dial when you're listening to my show. Like I don't even mean because they don't like you.

I just because they're boring. Yeah. I said you'll probably be on like a show listening to like the Bible, like talking about the Bible. Like that's that's probably you. That's not me. And that's not us. But the the rest of the people I like to kind of resume talking about things. And that's where I said I said I have a co-host of mine who said don't give advice because

your friends and the people around you probably they don't want to hear it. They don't need it. And the enemies you're going to talk to they ain't going to listen. So like who are you talking to? You know what I mean? So I'm not here to like I'm not here to preach or give my advice per se but I just want to be able to talk freely like

I once did. Yeah. And I don't say don't give advice. Well don't say don't give advice. Well, first of all, don't give advice. But also, it's more don't ask for advice because you know what they're doing. Yeah, you know what they're going to say. But when I couldn't even bust balls about the Mets and Yankees without it turning into like a fucking fiasco, that's where I kind of started to say. People on Twitter love to get upset.

I mean, in particular with you, but about injuries. If you can't admit. What, he strained his oblique? I know. Shut the fuck up. I'm not cheering him up. I'm going to be fine with someone straining their oblique. If it's that chick from Auburn who had both her legs fall off, the gymnast,

I'm not going to make fun of that. Exactly. But if you strained your oblique, I'll say thank you. You go and break your neck. Thoughts and prayers to you. If you're out two two to four weeks and that means the yankees are going to lose a couple games in the standings while you just chill out aaron judge is probably like be in the club for this fucking you know dl stint and if you can't admit that in your heart that like when your rival loses a player and you can't on the inside just be like yes i mean the

difference is i i say it the difference with everything is I say it. Girls who are horrified by me or anything that I did, I'm like, go ask your boyfriend. Get the honest truth from him. Guess what? He's thinking the same thing. If you can't admit that you're like, yeah, that's it. Like, all right, judge on the deal. That's good for us.

Then you probably, you know, what are you doing here on the internet? What are we doing here? The fact that you can't be honest about the fact that a minor injury to a rival team makes you kind of go, ha, ha, ha, ha. Because you know what? I'm not fucking talking to Aaron Judge. I'm talking to Hubs. I'm talking to Tommy Smokes. I want the worst for those guys, and this is bad for them.

So I'm piling on because it's baseball talk. And when I couldn't even do that, when I couldn't even be like, hey, you want to hear more Yankee ball busting and Mets talk on my new podcast? Instead, it was just like, I'm going to fucking podcast. I've got a lot of fucking podcasts going right now because because honestly, every single day I see Kevin's new podcast. What the fuck is this? When you read the blog, man, I got a lot of time on my hands. I don't like to stay still anymore.

So busy is better for me. So it was a cathartic experience. It was good to write. I tried to be as like respectful as I could. Uh, I, I, I hope, uh, it's well received by, uh, my baby mama and everybody on her side, uh, to, to get run by her. No, I didn't do that. Um, cause I'm scared of her and I, you know, the whole point was the person who knows a woman. It's so true. I said that. I said, you know, I should have handled it better. What happened was it wasn't really about sleeping around.

It wasn't, I mean, not to sound like a dick, but there's been plenty of opportunities prior to that where I could have and I never did. It wasn't until I met someone that I started to have feelings for that I was like,, Oh shit, this is something different now. And what I should have done was after I found that I had feelings for somebody and I wanted to like, I wanted to find that type of happiness that I was finding elusive at home. I should have spoken up about it, but I was being a hundred percent real. I was never gonna, I said a, a maladjusted, like confused internet type of blogger, uh, whipped Irishman, I ain't going to speak up. It's got to be you. Yeah. Like it's, so if you're one of those, uh, and you've dealt with, you know, a woman like that, like you get what I'm saying. It's just, I wish I was more of an adult and a more expressive person that I could have had the balls to just be like, I got to tell you something

like this isn't working out for me. And I've actually, you know, I've found someone that is making me feel the way that I wanted to feel. And I never did that. So that's why. That's the hardest thing with relationships, too, because, like, you had it once. Yeah. So that light at the end of the tunnel is always there. And you're like, well, maybe, like, we'll just work through it. And, like, maybe I'll just shut up.

I don't want to have that conversation. So, like, maybe it just comes back. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I mean, mean that's that no one ever wants to accept that to me I feel like you know when your heart goes in anything it's just like when you make that turn and it's just hard to go back and probably forever it'll haunt me that like maybe I should have spoken up

because I'm counseling or maybe something would have changed I kind of feel like there was so much that was working against me and us that I don't think it was going to work. But the X factor really was when I started to like feel something. Counseling is a weird thing. It is. I just I don't think that you can counsel your way back into like happiness.

You know, we get married. We go to counseling right away because it's like therapy where it's, if you're bad already, like, I mean, well, therapy can help still. But that's, you're acknowledging that, like, we don't even like each other anymore. Yeah, it's tough. And to try and get back to that. It's like, I think marriage counseling, again, and I'm speaking as someone who knows absolutely nothing.

Fuck that disclaimer. Yeah, fuck it. Just say it. You're a smart guy. You know relationships. Fuck it. But it's just like, that's like where it's acknowledging like, this is broken.

So I feel like if you had to say that, if you start from the get-go and just maintain that level, awesome. It's like staying in shape versus getting in shape, you know? If I just kept working out from when I was 18 years old, I would have stayed in some semblance of shape. I let myself get so fucking fat and gross, there ain't, I can't.

I can't overcome this, you know? It's never coming back. That there was too much working against it. And also, that was very nice. You like that? Yeah. That was good.

I like that. And yeah, these are the things I want to be able to say freely without having to like disclaim. But I also, the whole reason I could never speak up is because I was so afraid to hurt her. And I thought I could just,

if I go on the side over here and find that happiness and just keep that over there and I can just keep doing what I thought I could just, if I go on the side over here and find that happiness and just keep that over there and I can just keep doing what I'm doing over here, that maybe, and that's so naive and stupid. Let me tell you this. If you're in this situation and you think you're ever going to just be able to live this double life like forever, like I'll do my family and kids over here and keep in support and keep that somewhat happy. And then over here is where I get my, my like own adult private happiness. It's just, it's never going to work. You're just, you're on a collision course that will eventually catch up with you. But that was the logic behind it. And I think if I ever dove deeper

into the, my whole situation, like my mindset with the psychology of it all, like some people say you cheat because you want to get caught. I don't want to get caught. I don't want any of this. I knew that this was going to happen. Like I, this, this, this is bad. I don't, I did not want this, but I do think there might be something to the idea that once I met someone that I had feelings for, I took it to a point that there was no going back. I think that might have been a little subconscious. The only way I think that there's ever going to be some sort of change here is if I take it to the point of no return. So I hope it's all well-received by the people who matter.

I mean, I don't ever really speak about the other girl that I was in a relationship with. I do feel very badly for how things progressed with her because there has been so much internet hate towards me, and then she kind of got caught up in that too. And I think we both knew what was going on when we got involved, but the backlash I think was like crazier than anybody could have ever imagined. And so I feel bad for dragging her into that as well. And so I apologize to her and her family. And I hope it's almost like, you know, going through like 12 steps sort of things. Like I

would love to just make amends with everybody that I possibly can or that I think deserves it. And she's certainly on that list. So I don't know if that'll happen. I don't know how any of it will happen. And I certainly know this is not going to change anything. Like I'm sure those same Yankee fans are going to fucking say the same thing or that there are plenty of people who are going to think that this whatever I wrote was not genuine or or self-serving or something. They'll spin it in a way that this is negative for me. I'm not expecting to now just be left alone on the internet, but I'm just happy now that I can at least point to, hey, did you read this? Because I'm letting you know now I'm done with walking on

eggshells. I'm done with like, I owe things to the people that I hurt. I don't owe anything anymore to like Barstool fans. I apologize to them. We, I have cleared the air. If you still have a problem with it, I can't, I just can't do it anymore. You know?

So, um, that's that. Hopefully we can all just fucking move on. Cause that's all I'm trying to do. Just want to move on, make some money at work. To pay for the kids.

Yeah, man. I mean, it'll be two years in january so it's like with a seven yeah i mean it's a long time to still really be bent out of shape and i'm sure some of them aren't bent out of shape and they're just talking shit to talk shit but the fact that it's even still like talk shit yeah there's other ways better there's other ways i'm fucking i'm fat i'm gross i'm lazy like there's a lot of other things you can say. But, you know, at least I can say I'm on the record as saying I'm moving on. Here's what I've learned.

And I have learned a shit ton. Here's what I, you know, I'm starting a little different. Yeah. You think so? You're not in a bad way at all. In a good way. But you're noticeably different. Yeah.

I mean, I could say and whatnot, but just like I'm not talking about podcast wise. I mean, just being like with you. I noticedably different. Yeah, I mean, how could I not, right? Not like in what you say and what not, but just like, I'm not talking about podcast-wise. I mean, just being like hanging out with you. I noticed a little. Yeah, I mean, even just being able to hang out and like, you know, I was here last night watching Game of Thrones and then blogging and recording. I was going to come, but then I didn't, so I'm not very different. Yeah, I mean, but even just being able to do that, and I'm sure this is pretty unfair because had I maybe just had,

you know, spoken up more or whatever, like things like that wouldn't have mattered. I could have gone out more. I could have done my own thing more, but I was really feeling so trapped in my relationship that I let a lot of things go by the wayside. And,

uh, you know, it's never like that. That was, she like made me do that, but there's the dynamic in the relationship made me feel like where I couldn't do anything, you know?

And maybe that's more on me than her but um it's it was there it existed that feeling definitely existed so now being able to go out you're scared to do something else in in case you miss something there absolutely yeah and you know and girls for dave portnoy and guess what i'd chill in that motherfucker sometimes the parallels between dave and my wife were a little too close to home for my liking. Um, so, uh, yeah, I, you know, you're right. I mean, I, I'm hanging out more, I'm trying to date and trying to like, just be a good dad and be like the best blogger I can be. That's why I'm taking on more work and I'm trying to grow things because I got to get back to what I used to do because every other day was consumed with just personal bullshit. So let's put that to rest and we'll move on. And as a single man now sitting in this bachelor

apartment of mine, I ain't cooking. I ain't grocery shopping. I'm post-matesing. I was the latest. I had that $78 Chinese, Japanese food order recently. What's your most expensive one ever? Well, that's up there. I did an Outback one. What's your biggest one? I did an Outback one that was just a monster. You and Garrett are such an Outback guy. I mean, it's just the only steakhouse in my radius.

Let's relax. Well, yeah. It's the only place I can get steak in my radius, okay? Not a steak house. It is, technically, but come on. Yeah, I actually, I was going to order last night's Game of Stools. The place was, like, closing as I ordered it. I was going to get, it was Benihana.

I was getting steak with, it came with, like, the steak and shrimp combo. But then I wanted a full order of shrimp. And I was at the end. I was like, you know what? Clicked on the lobster tail, too. An extra $15. That would have been a $100 order. You didn't make it? It was only open for a half hour more, but the delivery was going to be 50 minutes, 45 minutes,

whatever it was. I was just like, it's going to come when Game of Thrones is on. I'm out. Sometimes I get sassy with my postmates' fingers. I'm like, sure, add this, add that, substitute that, let's go, and all of a sudden. But you never regret it. No, never, never.

And right now, and I use my promo code KFC, it doesn't matter if I order one thing or ten things, it comes for free. Because right now, when you use Postmates, a new Postmates account with the promo code KFC, you get $100 of free delivery within your first seven days of signing up. That's promo code KFC over at Postmates, a new Postmates account with the promo code KFC. You get $100 of free delivery within your first seven days of signing up. That's promo code KFC over at Postmates. Speaking of, you know, you said it was going to come when Thrones was on.

My mother had the audacity to call me at 9.05. I don't know. Mom, somebody better be dead. It was in the midst of the intro. I was like, what are you fucking doing? Come on now. You can't do that. Yeah.

What planet are we on right now? You think it's okay to call me right now? I mean, that to me is like, do you not even love me, mom? Like, what's going on here? But you know, the thing I love about my parents is they're so off the grid. They don't even know or give a fuck. She doesn't know what Game of Thrones is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Isn't that so? It's funny. Like, I wonder, I mean, I guess I already know the answer. I was going to say, I wonder what parent I'm going to be. Cause I, I think I have to professionally, but there are some parents who keep up, they try to be cool. They know the new music, they watch the new shows. And then like, there's my dad who, I mean, I don't think my dad, you know, dad during Easter, he's sitting on the couch watching TV. I sit down. It was like some old fucking black and white cowboy shit that was like, it was like the first animated like film, like motion picture type of TV ever.

I was like, are we seriously watching this dad? I'm down for like old movies and bad movies. You're an old guy. But this had to be from like 1910. What are we fucking doing here dad? Meanwhile, you know, your, you know, other dads are listening to like Cardi B or some shit I mean my dad at least when we were in the car he would put on pop music

and he's aware of it he knows what it is but none of them are on the internet they're not on social media my dad used to I think he gets email on his phone now but he used to have to call my mom and this is very recently like within the last year had an iPhone had an iPhone for a long time.

Just didn't have email set up on it. He would have to call my mom just in the middle of the work day to ask her to check his email. And my parents are very young. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really young people. Right. I think they're both like 56, 57

or something like that. Out on it. That's pretty funny, man. Yeah, they're probably like 25, 26, something like that. Out on it. Hold on. That's pretty funny, man. Yeah, they're probably like 25, 26, something like that. They had me when they were 24. So then you're 30, they're 54. 54. That's very young. That's very young.

They're like basically 10 years older than Dave. Yeah. They're like Dave's contemporary. That's crazy, right? To think about it that way? Bananas. What's the emails today? What? She'd be like, don't you have an way? Bananas. What's the emails today? What?

She'd be like, don't you have an assistant? You do. You have a secretary. Why are you calling me? We want to pop off with these voicemails. Today we have

Bob Saget on the program. He is as advertised. I thought that some of the Bob Saget's crazy, Bob Saget's like got this vulgar sense of humor. He's nuts. I thought some of that was exaggerated. He really threw our whole, that was a real ad-libbed interview because he threw our whole game plan

off. Absolutely. I thought he was going to be like, listen, all that's overhyped. I'm not Danny Tanner, but I'm also not the crazy guy that the internet talks about. I'm somewhere in the middle. No, he's the crazy guy the internet talks about. No, we were planning to play Patrick from Holmes and they came out and just ran the ball. He was very funny. He was letting it fly.

And then Big Jay Oakerson from the Bonfire, Dan Soder's partner in crime. Big Jay tells... One of the funniest stories. I actually, Brandon, we were talking about today, who was going today, and I didn't know Big Jay hadn't been yet. Yeah, it's been a little while. We recorded him, and just because of the way the schedule worked out. We just hadn't aired it yet.

Big J's story about being an Easter Bunny, right? He was Winnie the Pooh. He was Easter Bunny. He used to dress up for children's parties and be a mascot and shit like that. The Winnie the Pooh one in the hood. It's one of the funniest stories I've ever heard. It's one of the saddest stories I've ever heard, too. I was like, thank God you made it as

a comedian, man, because you were going down a pretty bleak path, man. You just spent your nights driving around hookers in your days dressed as Winnie the Pooh. He was like a hooker, escort, bodyguard, pimp type. And then in the daytime, he was Winnie the Pooh for children's birthdays.

It is a trip. So Bob Saget and Jay Oakerson coming up. First, voicemails. They're brought to you by Tushy. It's 2019. Everyone's eating butts. You're thinking of the porn website, Tushy, right? Definitely. Yeah. And then I started talking about eating butts, and so you really thought it was that.

Now we're talking about the bidet to keep that ass clean. T-U-S-H-Y. Tushy. So those packages that we've had from Tushy.com. Yeah, they are bidets. They're not. I don't even know what it would be. Well, I know.

From Tushy. Yeah, I mean. What could they be sending? They're not porn stars. No, this is the next best thing. It's a sleek bidet attachment that clips onto your existing toilet so you don't need to go buy like a whole new uh toilet here this is just something that just straps on to the straps on to the seat and then uh you get the full bidet experience sprays directly into your ass it

removes all the nastiness and so all the bacteria gone. You don't have to worry about your butt feeling gross or looking gross or being gross. It is. Listen, have you ever sat on one of these? Anything, a bidet or any of these attachments? It feels good. It's healthy. Chaps is a guy you take advice from. Yes.

Especially in this department. He's had diarrhea since May 2007. And he's a huge bidet guy. Oh, yeah. I mean, they are. You're not just going to get up in there with the one ply. You're going to be treating yourself. It feels good, and it cleans even better.

Guess how much money it is? $69. Oh. Because you're going to want a 69 after you do this. Someone's nose can be all up in your butt, and it still works out. Go to hellotushy.com. That really does sound like a porn website. And get 10% off your order with it still works out. Go to hellotushy.com that really does sound like a porn website and get 10% off your order

with promo code KFC. That's hellotushy.com promo code KFC. Yo, this is Tony from Long Island. I got a hypothetical for you. Fight's already out. So how much would you have to be paid

to be someone's personal ass wiper? So basically, you're always on call, and you just have to wipe this person's ass after they shit. No matter what, you're always on call. They call you up in the middle of the night. Hey, I'm heading to the toilet right now. I'm going to need you over here. What's your number? It's a high number.

If I'm just contemplating. I don't know how high it is. Well, the thing is... I hate shit. I hate all that stuff. It's not going to be... He's going to call you in the middle of the night. I guess every time. How many times a day? Someone's going to get shit in the middle of the night. Every now and then. You're sick.

Otherwise, you're probably going to be doing some nasty manual work a couple times a day if someone's pretty regular a couple times a day for regular people is that how often people poop i don't but i feel like other people do i think i feel like yp will like yp goes in there for like 45 minutes like probably twice a day really i think so what's the how often do people poop? can we google? can we just do like what's the average frequency here?

do bowel movement say bowel movement don't say poop BM a BM you just said a couple times a day I was flat out stunned meaning that's too much that's too much that's too much that's like how much does a much but like that's even like i

would i would never that's like how much it costs a million dollars once once a day um i mean i'm like twice a week twice a week is a bit much that's a bit much the other direction bro yo no no i know that's not good i know i'm not a healthy person i mean i would i would i would say this isn't gonna clear many things up because it's basically like a huge range. This says anywhere from zero to four times a week and then possibly a frequency for anywhere from three times a day to three times a week. I'm probably good for four a week. Okay. Yeah.

That's fair. That's a good poop number. And so, like, think about it. Say you got 60 grand. Oh, that's not enough. That's a good poop number. And so think about it. Say you got $60,000. Oh, that's not enough. That's not enough, John. John, I was going to start talking about millions. I was going to talk about hundreds of millions.

Because if it ever, like, so you get. You're going to wipe someone's butt for $60,000? You get $200 million. But do people find out? Because I think that that would just tarnish your. I don't think I could enjoy that money if I was walking around. If you're a professional butt wiper. I mean, listen.

I really started low, but. I also just like. 50k. That's like an entry level job these days. It's just a supplementary income. I'm not losing my job. I just gotta go hang out with that guy for 15 minutes a week. You might lose this job if you were a professional butt wiper. I would come in and tell tales of it.

I'd probably get more listeners. Gather around, children. I'll tell tale of the butt wiping. I think that number has to be significantly higher than $60,000. I'm really embarrassed I started with $60,000. I started at $200,000,000. I would not take a penny less. $199,000,000 is too little.

Is $60,000 minimum wage? It's not minimum, but it's probably pretty close these days. Okay. Minimum wage to wipe butts? 15 minutes a week? He can't live that far away. Oh, you're worried about the travel. You've got to be my neighbor.

You're worried about the travel. I'll do my neighbors. I'll wipe my neighbor. I would wipe my neighbor for 60 grand. Yes, absolutely. I'm coming back around on this. That might be the craziest differential we've ever had in hypothetical answers.

It's just like, look, if we were in a negotiation... 200 million and 60, and both people are standing firm. I'd like more, but I'd do it for that. Yo, if you're ever at that butt-wiping negotiation table, you need to bring yourself an agent. You're like Seinfeld.

You're like Kramer. Free coffee, sold! Leaving the million dollars on the table. I should have let you go first. I'll admit that. Hey, KFC. I have a question about a date that I just went on. I met this guy on a dating app, and it was our first date. Everything was going great and it came down to paying the check. And, you know, we did the thing and I said like,

oh, I can, you know, I can get my part. And he said, no, like, it's fine. I got it. And so then, then when the lady was coming around, sorry, my dog, I don't know if. And he said, no, like it's fine. I got it. And so then, then when the lady was coming around, sorry, my dog, I don't know if you can hear him, but he's flipping out over a fucking tennis ball. Um,

but so the waitress comes and she's like, do you all want boxes? And I was like, I mean, yeah, I barely ate anything. So then I bought a box, we left and I could tell that the guy was like, something was wrong. So then I bought a box. We left.

And I could tell that the guy was like, something was wrong. So then later on, he's going off on me over text saying that it was rude that I asked for a box, that all I wanted was just to get my meal paid for and blah, blah, blah. So what do you think? Is this a bad move? Should I not have asked for a box? It's not a bad move for, like, the reasons he's talking about. I think it's a weird – I think about this all the time, especially if I'm eating, like, a fancy meal or something that, you know,

you go to, like, Hibachi and there's tons of food. I'm always like, you know what? I could eat that for, like, lunch tomorrow. But am I really going to, like, box this up and walk out with a bag, especially if you're, like, going anywhere afterwards? Come on. I'm not going to carry around this bag. As an adult, I've never done that.

Yeah. And I would. So it's a bad move. I going to carry around this bag. I've never done that. So it's a bad move. I brought it home for the dog. I've done that. I brought steak and anything with a bone home for Duncan. But yeah, I think it's just a weird move. It's a weird move by him too to start texting.

Look, I have 60 grand new income. I don't care about paying for your meal. I just think it's weird. I would judge you very hard. I probably wouldn't talk to you anymore either way. But because it's just like a tacky move? Yeah, it's not because you think it's tacky. It's like, oh, you don't have any class.

Hang on, this guy just ass-wiped real quick. No tact, no etiquette, but I'm a professional butt wiper. The idea that she was like, yes, he paid for it. Now I'm going to get a second meal out of this. It's just like, I don't know. She's a girl. She didn't even finish her meal. She's going to bring home leftovers.

But you also, you're a girl. You know you're not going to eat that. Yeah, definitely. It's definitely not happening and and she offered to pay you know it's not right if you walk in and you just automatically assume your sugar daddy's paying for everything and you're like i'll have the lobster i'll have the filet mignon i'll have a side of this and a side of that i can't imagine that really happens but maybe it does um yeah one of the best scenes do you watch Atlanta? I have not I want to there's a scene where Donald Glover takes his girl out and he has

like $45.60 left like total in his bank account but he tries to go to a fancy place with her because he needs to impress her and the waiter comes over and is like would you like this would you like that starts upselling him on everything and at first she's like I'll just have like a glass of wine and he's like why don't you have

like a martini and it's ten dollars he's like he's just sitting at the fucking table just like you fucking asshole uh but i can't imagine that happened that type of thing happens much often really often in real life but oh i've done that what no no no i mean i mean like the idea that people are like oh i'm just gonna get whatever i want and bring things home and like he's paying's paying for it. She offered to pay for it. You, you were okay with paying for it. She strangely asked for a box, but not because of like financial exploitation, dude. Calm down. Also, you probably really can't afford to, to be paying for a date if you're, if you're

freaking out that much. Yeah. Where the fuck were you? Yeah. Right. What are we talking? Yeah. Applebee's.

You took home the fucking like chicken kickers or whatever. Like what? And there's $7. Like possibly could you spend this one? Right. I never get that with guys. Like, oh, I bought you a drink. Are you going to come home with me?

What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Yeah, like it's this implied, like, you know, if you've purchased an alcoholic beverage from me, you have to fuck me. Right. That's crazy. Come on. Dinner or whatever. I also, have you ever, like, the card situation with Donald Glover?

Mm-hmm. You know what my move used to be? What? Like, back in the tomato soup days, I would go out, and then I would put my card down, and I would drink all night, and then I would just call in the morning and say it got stolen. Like, every weekend. Like, move from the bill to the bar? No, no, no. I wouldn't, like, take dates out.

Oh, got it, got it, got it. I'd just be out with people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, put on my tab. No problem. Call in the morning. Look, someone stole my card again. I know.

17 weeks in a row. It's crazy. I'm pretty sure. I think he's just following me, to be honest. I don't know how that all works, because it was a debit card, not a credit card. But that has to ruin your credit. But it didn't, right? I mean, look, credit wasn't tough for a while.

You earned your way back. Let's get one more in here before we head over to our interviews. All right, last voicemail of the day is brought to you by SeatGeek. Correction, we not out. Summertime is coming. We got... While you're listening to this, I am on my way to Boston, courtesy of SeatGeek.

Okay. SeatGeek's hooking me up. Game 7. Bruins, Leafs. You gotta be in the barn, folks. Are you nervous? Of course I'm nervous, yeah. But do you think that they, I mean, home ice.

Game 7. It's going to be incredible. They're the better team. Dude, I was looking at the Corsi stuff today. It's actually been an incredibly even series. It's like... Well, it's going seven. Makes sense.

No, but it's felt like Toronto's carried the play almost all series. Well, I mean, Scott Zolak certainly... I can't wait until we win this game. He disagreed with you when he told you to put your shirt on. So this is an unfortunately strong response from you. Sometimes you know when you're beat. If you want to get into hockey, Game 7, you want to go to your favorite comedian.

Yeah, I mean, honestly, if you're in Boston, Game 7s don't come around. Well, and there they do. But, you know, in general, you should go see Game 7s. If you want to go see your favorite comedian, Big J, you want to go to concerts, whatever live music, live entertainment you can get into, SeatGeek will get you in the building. Everything is guaranteed,

and it's the best price possible when you use the promo code KFC for $10 off. That's SeatGeek, promo code KFC for $10 off. Welcome to KFC by Super Producer. So I'm really fucking drunk right now, and I just wanted to let you know, I listen to your podcast every day, and I found out about it from my boyfriend, but once a month like

on the dot I have a sex stream about KFC like once a month and I don't get it so my question to you would be do I need like intensive therapy like why is it happening like once a month on the dot I'm just super confused so if you could let me know

that'd be great love the show thanks Thanks so much. What a move by Super Producer BC to end that one. Sometimes you just gotta prop your boy up, man. You just gotta hook your brother up. I don't understand what the problem is. I don't know

what you mean when you say what's wrong, and I don't know what you mean when you say you should seek help. Maybe you should break up with your boyfriend and holler at me, shorty. No disclaimer, motherfucker. We out. All right. Interview time is brought to you by Lightstream.

By the way, it's okay to like us. Yeah. We're not like lepers. I feel like we get a lot of calls like that. Yeah. What's wrong with me? Why the fuck do I think you're attractive? I don't know, man.

I don't think I'm that bad. It's up to you. It's okay. I'm not a fucking Hemsworth you're attractive? I don't know, man. I don't think I'm that bad. It's up to you. It's okay. I'm not a fucking Hemsworth over here, but I don't think it's crazy. I don't think that you have to, like, whisper it to people, like, oh, my God, I had a dream and I thought this guy was attractive. There's nothing that wrong with me. Yeah.

I'm not. Look. Look. I'm not that I write a home about. I'll tell you this much. Well, it'll be a secret wedding. No one's going to come. But, like, I'm okay.

I'll tell you this much. I'm more fucked up on the inside than I'm on the outside. Okay? Now we out! Bob Saget, brought to you by Lightstream. You know what feels great? Paying off high-interest credit cards, getting a lower rate, and saving money. You can refinance your credit card balances and save with a credit card consolidation loan from Lightstream.

Get a fixed rate as low as 6.14% APR with auto pay. You can get a loan anywhere from $5,000 to $100,000, no fees, and you get the money the same day as you apply. You can use it on whatever you want, and it's one of the largest financial institutions over at SunTrust Bank, so everything is completely guaranteed. You'll have peace of mind. Go to Lightstream.com slash KFC, L-I-G-H-T-S-T-R-E-A-M dot com slash KFC to find out how you can get an additionally low interest rate on their already low rates to begin with.

Subject to credit approval rate includes a 0.5% auto pay discount. Terms and conditions apply and offers are subject to change without notice. Visit Lightstream.com slash KFC for more information. I'm so over ugly people, but that's not fair. If, if you're talking about people that are, um, well, if you're ugly and you're an asshole, I think you're, it's, I'm over you. An ugly asshole is almost redundant. Wait a minute. I mean, how long is your prison sentence?

I mean, tolerance. Oh, good. We're filming. Hi guys. Aim high. You want to make me look good? You don't have clothes? What happened? I understand.

Glad I wasn't there. Okay, get a good angle. Thank you. Glad you got that. Alright, it's KFC Radio featuring, I mean, a goddamn icon, John. A legend. You can't say goddamn before icon. Yes, I can. A legend. A fucking legend of the game. You can't say goddamn before icon.

Yes, I can. You can. You can do anything you want. It's my fucking show, Bob. It's Bob Saget on the show. Are you kidding me right now? I am. On KFC, and that's not related to no chicken or nothing. No, I got to change the name.

I got to. It's my initials, and when I first started out. Yeah, I started out. So you started working for the Colonel when you started? Yeah, I should have. Like Elvis? I don't know what my parents were thinking, but I used it as kind of a pseudonym for a while when I didn't want my full name out there. Right, right.

But you got parents. I do, in fact, have parents. And you know who they are? Yep. They did not abandon me. I'm not an orphan. They plant the egg in a kangaroo and then put it into their grandmother. And everybody's doing that now.

They're planting eggs so they can have kids. And somebody's grandmother gave birth to the kids, but it's from the other side of the family. I still don't think that's safe. I don't know. You get to pick what it is, too, right? Yeah, at this point. You can be like, it's a guy. I'd want a kangaroo if I'm going to do that.

Just because someone that bounces around, you can keep your books in its pouch. Very convenient. You don't need a book bag or the bad lock on it. Well, you already within a minute are living up to the hype here because I feel like you have this folklore status almost now. Yeah, like a dragon, black dragon with fierce eyes. Yeah, that's it. That's exactly what I think. Oh, I don't want that.

That thing's going to die, isn't it? We can't talk about it. Yeah, let's talk about it. Well, I don't think the Game of Thrones people might be out there. Do you think they're listening to this? I'm sure they are. Who cares? I'm going to the premiere of the third episode because I name drop every six minutes.

That's the big episode, right? That's like the one. It's a big turning point, they say. Yeah. They're having it at the Chinese theater. I guess. How do you know all that? I'm a nerd. I'm a fucking loser. Well, you're not if you're Game of Thrones. You can't really say you say. Yeah. That's the battle. Chinese theater. I guess. How do you know all that? I'm a nerd.

I'm a fucking loser. Well, you're not if you're Game of Thrones. You can't really say you're a nerd. That's true. I mean, if you're hooked on, I don't know if you remember that show, The Robot Girl, you know, Small Wonder. Remember that? You were like five.

Yeah, no, I mean, I know all that. I didn't, it was not like. Good. It wasn't in your zeitgeist. Yeah. Because you were two. Right. But I know what you're talking about, yeah.

She's grown up. And I don't know anything about her. But what is it with these people that just aren't attractive? No, that's terrible. No, it's not. No, because a lot of people think I'm not attractive. That's incorrect. You're a handsome man. You're a movie star.

You're a TV star. Come on. You can't be ugly. We interviewed Henry Winkler last week, who I thought was 1,000 years old. And I was like, you guys are basically the same age. He's really cool. Awesome guy. He's a little bit older than me, I think.

I'm 62. How old is he? He was 71. Oh, yeah. I thought he was way older than that. I want those years. I can't do the math. I would have guessed you were mid-40s.

Really? Hell, yeah. My balls are. I got a 20 and 20. I got bad vision, but 20, 20 balls. I can see through my balls. Which is really good because I can do my own POV shots. That's a whole new genre of porn right there.

Don't say whole. That's IMAX. Sorry. We were saying before the show, what's up with ugly people? of porn right there. Don't say whole. That's a whole different. That's IMAX. Sorry. We were saying before the show, what's up with ugly people? And I was actually, I was making the argument. But there's a lot of people

that's really unfair and bad that I said it because I'm being, yes, it is. I'm being facetious. People are the worst. Some of my favorite friends are not the handsomest tool

in the shed. When I'm in the shed, I'm the handsomest tool because the rest is like, what, a plane? An awl? A lathe? I think

the middle class is going to disappear. Of ugliness? That's real nice. I think that's what Hitler said. It's only going to be really attractive. Hitler was really on par with all of this, I think. I think this is where I pull out of the interview. He was on to something, I think.

These are sound bites. We don't want to pick up any of them. And I started with it because I didn't know we were filming. Two guys came in with cameras. One doesn't have pants. The other one doesn't know what's going on. He just smiles and leaves. That's kind of how it all started.

They don't even work here. I won't sit with my pants next to, you know, Hitler's on the table. Hitler's pants has got it going on. No, that's somebody's mom. Yeah, right? Well, thanks for having me. Great stuff. See you later.

Fantastic. I mean, for so long, I mean, everyone in my generation grew up watching you, watching Full House. And then, like, a little bit later in life, it kind of came to light that you're a much funnier guy with this type of sense of humor. You're a character that was on a two-dimensional show. Right. That was meant for 14-year-old girls, so the fact that you watched it much funnier guy with this type of sense of humor. Well, it was playing a character that was on a two-dimensional show. Right. That was meant for 14-year-old girls, so the fact that you watched it tells me everything. But I did the video show also for eight years,

and you were probably too young for that, just too young. No, no, no. Because there are millennials that do not know that I hosted the video show, which is, like, weird. But there was no internet, and I was the way to see it. That was the way you saw people get hit in the dick and stuff. That was it. That was it.

A VHS tape or a beta got sent to me. People are listening. Beta is a fish in an aquarium store. But it was, and I'm doing the new one again, which is Videos After Dark, which will be back either in the summer or in the fall. They're choosing when, but 10 o'clock on ABC. Your name broke. It's pretty, but I'm not doing it.

It's dirty. You say it's a little more dirty, right? Yeah, I mean, it's not dirty, dirty, but it is. I'm getting bleeped, and they show butt cracks blurred, and they show babies slipping off the camera, and little kids saying, fuck you, and I go, I'm in. Sign me up. Yeah, so we're just finishing.

I do all the voices. Look out. Oh, mommy says, but that's the same voice as mommy. Son, stop it. You know, it's like, I know four voices, but I's the same voice as mommy. Son, stop it. You know, it's like I know four voices. But I never knew any more. So it's fun to do that again. The idea that you had this sense of humor that didn't jive with Danny Tanner,

I almost feel like kind of spiraled out of control where it became, I mean, I remember being like. It's called acting. That's the weird part. That's what's funny. And I've been here. I've done Broadway a few times. I've always played something kind of edgy and weird

and been very fortunate in acting roles and directing stuff. And it's weird. It's weird that people think that you're one thing just because you play it. But then it went the other way. It would mean you have no talent. I feel like it was like, you know, you're not Danny Tanner. And then it became like, Bob Saget's a fucking lunatic. He's crazy.

He's not Danny Tanner. Well, I was always a free associative comedian. So when I was 17, my first jokes were, I have the brain of a German shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy and they're both in my car and I want you to see them. So that's not dirty, but it's definitely someone that's

like Hannibal Lecter. And he's young. It's weird you're making those jokes at that age, but okay. Not any age. I want to skin you. That's a great, what a great act. But I always loved stand-up, but I didn't know I was going to do it. I was going to be a doctor, but then I started doing improv,

and I went to film school. I won the student Oscar for a movie. I made a serious movie about my nephew having his face reconstructed. So save your laughs until the end of the interview. And so that's what won the student Oscar for me and then moved to L.A. and then I became a comedian

and struggled for eight years trying to get a job. Got in a Richard Pryor movie, got fired from a CBS show, got on Full House. I got fired on the CBS show for being a morning show. It was a seven to nine

against Today and Good Morning America for being too edgy, too, what do they call me, hot for morning TV. Too hot for TV. Yeah, I think I am still. Look at you.

I had that take. Not safe for work over here. Ugly people don't have that. Saget gone wild. Watch out. You might see those balls. The disclaimer on the beginning of the new video show, Videos After Dark, looks like a girl's gone wild.

They said, do not watch this. Do not let children watch. Oh, it's a lady talking, too. It's Gisela, our announcer. Do not watch this. Do not see this. Do not watch. You know, don't let children see. But it's like, if you're 14

and up, you're fine. It's, you know. Dude, this day and age? Like, what these kids are exposed to coming out of the womb, they're fine watching that show. Oh my god. You're watching porn when you're like seven years old now. No, no. They're watching porn when they're coming out of the womb. I mean, the first thing they see is they understand.

The problem is... Oh, I've seen that before. Right, right. I think they ought to thing they see is they understand. The problem is... Oh, I've seen that before. Right, right. I think they ought to... No, I'm not going to say that. No, say it. Say it. No, I'm just going to...

Don't go Danny Tanner on us, you pussy. No, no, no, no. Don't go Danny Tanner on us, pussy. It's like, what is this, a frat? Kind of. It's close. Well, the thing I'm here to promote the most, I can't decide because I'm doing so many things, is my pimp business because I've got – it's going strong.

All over the world, no one speaks any language. There's no – you don't know what language it is. I made it up. It's like a Teletubby. And none of them are real. They're all made of synthetic rubber. And they talk. You know, it's kind of like that movie – what was it?

Ex Machina? Ex Machina? Yeah, yeah. What was that called? Great movie. Yeah. That was Oscar – Oscar Isaacs, right? Yeah, Oscar Isaacs. It was an unbelievable movie. you know it's kind of like that movie what was it Ex Machina what was that called great movie Oscar Isaacs right yeah Oscar Isaacs unbelievable movie unbelievable and gorgeous girl

that was Tomb Raider you know who I'm talking about Zvikar Alexandra Zvikar whatever you're just trying to catch up with how many times you've whacked off to her but I'm doing this tour still.

I'll probably do it for, I don't know. I've been on a strong tour right now because I want to make people laugh because I can. Hell yeah. And it's a combo platter of being the only good TV dad left that's not gone away eating jello. No one specific. And last season of Fuller House, I guess, but the video show, but the tour. But it's this movie that I made.

That's the thing that I'm excited about. Benjamin. And it's Benjamin. And it's actually, thanks for knowing that. You're welcome. That was you guys getting briefed. We did our research. We watched the trailer and I read your Wikipedia page.

Thank you. Say the word Benjamin bobble talk. My dad's name was Benjamin. Yeah, I noticed that. Yeah, it's pretty. How'd you notice that? You really read the Wikipedia page.

When Wikipedia started, it was such bullshit that it said their names were like Millie and it's like Dan or something. It was like bizarre. They like made up

my parents' names. I don't know who entered Wikipedia at that time. Just little gremlins somewhere. Little shmeagles. I made this movie that it took years to make and this writer, Joshua Turek, wrote the script and it's about a kid. We think my kid

who is played by Max Burkholder is on meth. So that got me an R rating. I don't say fuck in it. Just meth. This podcast is dirtier than my movie. Is this a podcast? Yes.

It's not a broadcast. Not a broadcast. This is not a casting call. We got the casting cash out. You got like black tarps behind you. It looks like, please take off your shirt. Make $5,000 a day over here. We want to see your man boobs.

You got a lot of guys in here that have man boobs. Oh, yeah. You got two of them sitting at this table. You're doing pretty good. You guys are looking hot. But my wife's half asleep in bed, and she's hotter, so what can I tell you? It's not nice to say hot. You can't say that anymore.

What are you saying? That woman is hot. You can't say that. You can say that woman's on fire. Yeah, she's lovely. She's smart. Very beautiful. If you tell me that a girl is woman's on fire. Yeah, she's lovely. She's smart. Very beautiful. If you tell me that a girl is lovely and smart, I'm assuming she's enormous.

Well, yeah, I imagine ugly people. We started the show talking about slandering. Yeah. She dresses like Beatrice Potter. She looks like a giant mouse. That's not nice. Stop it, Bob. So this kid, Max Burkholder, was on the show Parenthood.

He played the autistic kid. It's hard to say it without sounding off. Yeah. But he's a great actor, and we think he's hooked on the- I'll just finish your jokes that I can tell you don't want to say. Do whatever you want. They're not jokes. They're slanders.

Slandering is not- We've got a little blues over here, so I'll just say it. This is what I'll be doing for the rest of my life. I'm never going up in the world. By the way, this is going up in the world. You're doing pretty good. You're not doing bad. Unless you're getting a paycheck. Do a middle of the road. Are you taking zeros

of your paycheck as I'm talking to you? I ain't got your broke. People just come in here. What's he got? Your Coke? What's that? How you doing? Oh, good. It's in here. What's he got? Your Coke? What's that? How you doing? Oh, good. It's really pretty. Sunday's the Greatest.

No, no, I gave already at the Salvation Army. Thank you. It's nice. It's kind of cool. You're going to take a picture or a video? I'll take a video. You go ahead. So, no, watch this.

I'm writing for motion. It's perfect. So the movie called Benjamin was written by Joshua Turk, and the kid is played by Max Burkholder. We think that he is on meth. And so my girlfriend, played by a very, very funny Mary Lynn Rice Cub, who's in a lot of movies right now and very, very great comedian, she takes out an ad on Facebook. That's not where you call an intervention. That's not how you do that. And then we need somebody to lead the intervention.

So I asked Rob Corddry, who's one of the funniest guys alive, to lead the intervention. But he's the family's OBGYN. Now, what family has an OBGYN? There isn't one. So Kevin Pollack is my brother in the movie. And the funniest off-screen thing that happened was I would always say to Kevin, we had no time to make this thing. This is low budget. This is you do it out of passion, and you hope people see it.

And I got lucky, and I'll explain how people are going to see it, which is really good. It's available on Viewmaster and Microfilm. But every time I'd say to Kevin, we're going to do the coverage now, he would yell, I've done 80 movies. I'm like, I know. I know, Kevin. But I would need you to say that line. I've done 80 movies. And I've known him for 35 years.

He's a wonderful guy. And then I've got Sherry O'Terry and Dave Foley and Perry Gilpin from Frasier. It's a nice list of people that were

really kind and gave a lot of their time and worked really hard. Clara Mamet's in it and Johnny Weston and David Hall. And a guy named James Preston Rogers

who's like a Thor character which really intimidated me because one of his man chest plates is bigger than my buttocks uh he actually shits out of his chest but um james i'm kidding around i love you you can crush me you can crush me like a mouse it's mouse day uh okay let's go so anyway so uh how did we get this movie made we had uh some investors and uh the people that helped us were a guy that I did The Aristocrats for named Jeff Sackman. And I also made a movie called Farce of the Penguins, which was a stoner movie, which was take off a march of the penguins. And Sam Jackson narrated it, and I had 50 comedians do all the voices, and it took me a year to make it. They worked all the time on it. This penguin movie?

I'm crazy. You have to see it. It's fine. So you just got high and just wrote a script about penguins and fives? It's made for the stoners. Okay, yeah, sure. No, no, I don't smoke dope. I used to.

I smoked enough. But I was in my 20s, and it was what we did. But nowadays, everybody does it, and it's legal, so what's the point of that? What's the fun of it? It does kind of take the allure away, right? Yeah, you can't do dime bags in the alley. That's not that different thing. Anyway, so back to drugs.

So here's the end of the movie. No, so what happened was we wanted – but I was going to say how you could buy it. Okay, you're kind. Thank you. Okay, when I curse again. The way to buy the thing is weird because there's a thing. Now, every company came out of nowhere. You remember like, what, 10 years ago?

You probably have old, I have old Netflix DVDs at home. They didn't want them back. I just stole them all. I got Casino Royale with Daniel Craig. I'm a lucky one. So I really want to watch that again. But it was a good one, actually. But anyway, and then they became one of the biggest things on this earth.

And Amazon, it was two clicks just to buy lotion. I know you guys did that a lot because you were getting that movie with Oscar Isaac. The lotion actually is the whole production. I'll go dry. You go dry? Unless I'm really treating myself to a special night. You can put a little skin off like a lizard. It doesn't grow back.

I like this desk. I can do what I want. Anyway, so Redbox. Sounds dirty, but it's not. It's this cool company. It really does, actually. Well, you actually, wherever you go, you've seen them. So you know what they are.

They're the kiosks, right? So you go, okay, well, okay, you got a movie on Redbox. Whoop-de-doo. But it is actually pretty exciting because they got 50 million subscribers because they are now, if you get the app, you can download or how do you get an independent movie scene? You get into, you know, five theaters unless you're sideways or some great movie or Blair Witch Project or whatever that was. Is that a club or it was a project, right? And this is a movie I really wanted millions of people to see somehow. And so this is this gift that dropped in our lap.

So for for the for the first cycle of this movie, which is the majority of the opening of it for many for many moons, it will be available on Redbox. That's the very first original Redbox VOD. So you wouldn't be going you know, that sounds so exciting. Redbox VOD. It sounds like something you'd hear in a guy knows office actually. But this is something that you'll be able to get

right away as of the 23rd which has maybe passed already. I don't know. What date is this? Today? Like actually today? No. It'll probably be right on target. I don't know. What date is this? Today? Like actually today? No. When is this airing? It'll probably be right on target. Yeah, probably at 423.

Well, that would be good. 423 is three days after the most sacred day of the year. Yeah. Well, not anymore. Oh, because of Easter? But how about that billionaire that shipped in to take care of Notre Dame? Yo, how about the reaction to Notre Dame anyway? You would have thought that there was a ton of like a baby in there that burned up.

It was just a building. Wait a second. It's just a building, Bob. No, no. How low is your IQ? I mean, honestly. No, no, no. Listen, I understand the importance.

I know it's historical. No, it's more than historical. I've been there many times, okay? Because I like hunchbacks. But the thing is, the underground floor below everything is stuff that's before they built it. They built it on a sacred site because

there was old people that lived there long before Paris was built. And there's really, really sacred, special stuff under there that I don't know. But it made it. Like, the buildings need to be okay? The artifacts are okay? Right, but it's going to be a billion dollars. It's going to be a lot of money

to fix it. Is this only $116 million? Is that all it is? Dash tray money. You probably made that with your full house. Yeah, I wake up with that. Benjamin's going to make that much on the Redbox. On the VOD, now that you can stream it. Or download it. They're going to put a Redbox kiosk

in front of Notre Dame until they finish it. You don't need all your money to Notre Dame. No, no, I'm just getting Redbox over there. That's so the workers have something to watch while they're putting out their cigarettes. But I think it's pretty amazing that a billionaire did something nice like that. We haven't seen a lot of it. I mean, Puerto Rico was in huge trouble, and there were some amazing efforts made, but not by some of the people that you wish they would have been made by personally.

It's Selma Hayek's husband, right? That was really the devastating news to me. It was devastating to me. I was like, no, she's got a husband. It was devastating to me when she got a husband. Yeah. I was in an elevator with her once like 20 years ago. Lucky dog.

We went up, we went down, we went up, we went down. I hit all the buttons. But she wasn't interested because she had a big zit on her head that day. But she recognized me from Danny Tanner, and that excited me. I loved you growing up. You're not grown up yet. Do you get that a lot? I said, you know what Redbox is?

Yes, I've always had younger girls. That's why Entourage called, and I said yes. Oh, that's right. So I feel like the half-baked appearance and the Entourage appearance were... That was because I was directing Dirty Work, the Norm MacDonald movie, and I was in half-baked for two hours because Chappelle's a friend and Harlan Williams and Jim Brewer

and I was there. I love directing a lot. A lot. Like a lot. Like Traffic. I like directing that. I like directing, you know, myself into people's mouths and I'm just trying to give you guys pleasure now but I like

I really I mean that's why you're a wild dude Bob Saget you're a wild dude oh you know it's really weird

my daughter last night I was really not I was weird last night I was just last night no sometimes I'm quite normal well I'm on the air

right now so I've got to be like or not the air but on the whatever the hell on the digital I'm quite normal. Well, I'm on the air right now, so I've got to be like, or not the air, but on the whatever the hell you have. On the digital. There's a microphone in front of us. I'm being stored into a hard drive right now. We're not even recording this. We're just talking.

I don't care. This is all set up. I just want to talk to people. Don Rickles, who I love so much, he would just go, I'm so lonely. And we would all laugh at him. Everything he did him everything he did everything he did he literally would bring strangers up on stage

like six foot tall guys stand in the middle of them and just hug one of them and go I need you so bad oh actually he was doing a thing on if people don't know Don Rickles just google it and do this great comedian and there's a thing called Mr. Warmth that people should see millennials,

bi-millennials, tri-millennials, whatever your sexual activity as a millennial. But he's, he's, he's adorable and he's gone. The Benjamin's available. Yeah.

So the half bank thing kind of flipped things around for me. Was it half-baked? No, it was everything at once. It was the aristocrats. It was half-baked. I did a stand-up special called That Ain't Right, where I dropped the F-bomb so many times. People were mad at me.

I had to stop going to synagogue. Why did you do that? Why did you do that? It's not the Holocaust, dude. I said, fuck. Were you like, did you feel like weight off your shoulders and you could kind of just be yourself? No, it didn't mean anything. I thought it was a funny

thing. I said it. It was a drug rehab scene. I had the guy with the funny line that was filthy. And it was me. It was just a flip because I was Danny Tanner to people. But people don't understand. And people have done that before. You know, back when the Brady Bunch, Robert Reed would do stuff,

Florence Henderson would always do dirty stuff, and it's just like, I'm going to flip my image, and that's not what it was. I always did five things. Acting is one of them that I really, truly love. I mean, the last thing I played here on Broadway was Hand of God. I was a Lutheran priest.

I took over for Mark Kudisch and did it for a few months, and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I mean, it's an amazing play. Did you see it? No. I do love plays, though. Plays are good. Plays are good.

Do you like books? Books are okay. Do you like coloring books? Do you use dry erase boards? John does, like, every, like, six months he'll buy, like, foreign magazines to throw it back. He likes to keep it in his hands. Magazines.

It's a drunk movie of mine. Some people call their exes, some people get in fist fights. My drunk movies I buy some porn magazines. I think it's funny. Porn magazines. That's great. I'm going to go see Kill a Mockingbird tonight. It's very similar lives we have. Hey, honey, I know we're married and all, but I'm going to buy some porn magazines because John told me it's smart.

That's one of my voices. It's a good one. Oh, yeah, it's number three. So it's exciting to make a movie that I'm on a promo trail, but it gets tiring, you know? I'm sure. Because also, it wasn't, you know, you do it out of love. That's what you do it for. And then you hope people like it.

Because if you want to write bad reviews, I'm really good at them. You know, I know how to, you know, bad review things I've done. Because I know what's wrong with them. And then I know what's great about them. But sometimes people are just so mean. Have you noticed that? Oh, yeah. Do people write to you?

How about you? People are mean on the internet. What is this hater thing that is just – it has just taken over the past 10 years? I mean, you kind of had to run with it like last week, right? You had to delete a tweet because people took it wildly out of context. They didn't understand. Well, no. I deleted a tweet that was related to something completely out of context because it wasn't funny and because it took me two days to realize it.

And then my wife said, why didn't you show me that tweet? That wasn't funny. And, yes, people can correlate that. I said, what? But I do that all the time. I'll delete a tweet, leave it up for a day. It gets 140 people. I want, you know, 2,000.

So I take it down. And, oh, he took a tweet down. It's like, what did you get on fucking life? He took down a tweet. Bob deleted a tweet. Tell the whole village. I mean, it's good promo, right? No, it's stupid.

It's not promo. It's bad press. The second I looked at it, I was like, that's not what it's about. No, I know. It was very clear. Basically, it was about government. Yeah, exactly. It was about people not being educated in positions of high power.

That's what it was about. And it wasn't even specific about that. So it was like, I don't know, but look how riled up I got. But I don't like the haters. And what do they say about you guys? I don't know everything. Foreign magazines? Just look at us.

I don't know. The appearance. You got the Boston hat on. You're in trouble already in this town. No, I'm not. Boston's not in trouble at all anymore, Bob. People don't give a shit about... They do.

In Boston, they do. In Boston, it's New York. They care, but it's just hard right now when Boston's fucking dominating. It's just like... We win everything. You like to be dominated. That's the kind of guy you are. You give me those porn magazines.

You all got our kink. I like to get the porn mags from the 60s. They're very glossy. I buy the grandmothers. It was very funny. You got to get them laminated mags from the 60s. They're very glossy. I buy the grandmothers. You got to get them laminated so you can use them again. Just wipe it down? Oh, you don't have to wipe it down. I don't think a lot comes out of him.

It's just like smoke. I think it's tears. Yeah, maybe a little smoke, but a smoker's cough wiener. Just nothing, just a little bit of mist. Yeah, like you got like the 2020 balls. His are like the lungs when you smoke, and they're like black. That's childish. How much do you smoke?

I don't smoke at all. He's the tobacco guy. I chew tobacco. Oh, you chew tobacco? Yeah. Where are you from? I'm from Boston. You chew tobacco, and you're from Boston?

Yeah. You got to cross that Mason-Dixon line if you're going to be doing that. It was like black guy playing hockey. I'm talking to you if you're going to be doing that. It was like, I played hockey all the time. I'm talking to you, son. That's my other voice. It's a strange hockey thing. Hockey.

Oh, you played hockey? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. For some reason, like we always do. My friend Dave Coulier played hockey. He still does. And he got hooked really bad one day.

25, I said 25 stitches the other day and he went 28. You're lucky you can talk, flat mouth. He was slashed like the Joker. Was Alanis Morissette talking about him in that song? She's talking about three guys.

Three guys. And I was at his house, though, when he got the phone call from her because she was cool. And I'd seen her since, and she was really, really sweet. I mean, they dated for a while. Yeah. And he's happily married to this great gal named Mel, and she's appropriately younger than him, which I like. Appropriately. No, but Alanis is crazy talented.

So you were there with a phone call? Well, I was at the house and she said, he hangs up the phone and he can be like Joey, but he flies a plane, he plays hockey and he's this guy that you're like, what? And you got Mr. Woodchuck in the seat next to you? And he hung up the phone and he went, I can't believe Alanis just said I hate to call you during dinner. And then he started talking about someone else he was dating.

Are you thinking of me when you fuck her? And those lyrics to the song. Wait, she called up just to be like, by the way, not talking about you? No, she got mad. No, but there were two other guys because he also said, she never went down on me in the theater. So the lyrics in the song are, I want you to know. That's almost worse. To call you up and be like, hey, I'm not talking about you.

I don't think about fucking you. But she wasn't. I wasn't going to blow you in the theater. Well, you were missing out, Dave. No, she cared about him a lot. And he cared about her a lot. So it was an unpleasant part of the breakup. But they've been in contact since.

And they're cool. And so cool that I shouldn't be talking about it because he says I don't like to talk about it. So you really helped me with my relationship with Dave. You still running around with Stamos? All the time. That's got to be a dynamic duo. Well, actually, I'm doing a benefit that is happening in two days from now if this is the 23rd of April. If it's not, it will be happening on the 25th.

On the 25th in Los Angeles, we're doing a thing for the Scleroderma Research Foundation, which is my foundation, because I lost a sister to this disease, which is a terrible disease. I know you want to crack up, but I do gallows humor, because it's the only way for me to get through.

And so she's been gone since 94 and 96. I did a TV movie about her that I directed. And that's more important than her death is that I made a movie. And it helped raise awareness. That's not fair. I do that shit with my friend who passed away. I always do. Like, it makes, like, you do it and it's funny for you.

It puts us in such a tough spot. I know. I'm really sorry. You're a comedian. And I'm sorry about it. No, no, no, no. But I'll dig out of it by showing I care because she was my sister and I loved her. But your friend, are you texting him right now?

No. What are you looking up? Are you getting important stuff? I'm a producer texting him. I hate when you text him during the show. Show him the dumb tattoo. Show him the dumb tattoo. Show him the dumb tattoo.

Well, I got to get out of the dead sister thing first. Okay, yeah. And then I want to see the tattoo more than anything unless it's on his wiener. So, okay. So my sister, this disease, scleroderma, is a very serious disease. I just want to give the site is srfcure.org. And we're having a benefit. We've been doing it.

We've raised $48 million. Holy shit. Right. I knew that would wake up your wiener for scleroderma research. And we're curing people's lives. Amazing. We're saving people, some people, and working really hard at it.

And the benefit coming up the 25th in L.A. is Ray Romano and Stamos is doing the auction with me. That was the point of how this even started. And so no one will be looking at me during the auction. Stamos puts asses in the seats, man. He puts, you want to see his ass on your face is what happens. But he's getting older.

The nooks and crannies are showing, but he's still very, very good looking. I mean, if you take a picture of TMZ, he gets us in an alley, he wins. I mean, I look like fucking Shrek. And next to him, it looks like a Ken doll with a fucking steel rod up his ass. And he's got a beautiful baby that's his that came out of his wiener. And it went into his wife's VJJ and she's beautiful and I'm sure she'd be happy to hear that. And I've got Ray Romano

and Ken Jeong and a special guest Ken's a friend of the program. Ken's the best He's a real doctor I had him here my buddy, put his head all the way up my ass and told me you're going to be fine and I had a hemorrhoid and he bit it off and spit it out Oh my god What, that's gross?

What's wrong with you? Jesus Christ. Don't call me that. I'm just an icon. So tell me about your thing. What's your tattoo? Nothing. I don't know why we did that.

Well, no. He's got the dead friend tattoo, so it's always visible. And everybody says, what's the tattoo? It's becoming a much bigger thing than it needed to be. It's my dead friend. Oh, you've got a passed away person. Speaking of passed away, I'll be frank. Your thing is you had an appendectomy, and then that's kind of when you realized life's worth living kind of thing?

I think kind of thing. Yeah, they kept me in the hospital. I was not known. I was 21 years old. In L.A., if you're known, they take care of you right away and don't let you die. In my case, it perforated and I got gangrene. So I almost died. I didn't even think people got that since the Civil War.

Yeah, they brought back the Civil War that day. And it was July 4th. The doctor didn't come. He said, I got to wait till the holiday's over and I'll be there tomorrow. Put an ice pack on him. You know what? I actually, I had an appendectomy. Luckily, mine was on Christmas, but the head surgeon at the hospital, Jewish.

So he was fine to be there. And so, but that means he doesn't like Christmas? Well, he's Jewish. I wouldn't want any doctor that doesn't like Christmas. And he took care of you? He was there? Yeah. Mendelstein or something like that.

I knew I was all set. And I was like, Christmas could be bare bones at the hospital. And you see Mendelstein, you're like, we're good tonight, baby. Well, that's good. Clap this bad boy out. And it was bad, right? It hurts like hell, doesn't it? It was the biggest one he had ever seen that wasn't perforated. Seriously?

Yeah. So it just filled up. My parents wouldn't take me to the hospital all morning because they thought I was just Because they don't love you. Yeah. They're like, you're hungover. Stop being a pussy. I know what a hangover is.

This isn't it. Right. It hurt more than anything. And because I had gangrene, they had to put me in a private room and then they were afraid they were going to get sued and all that stuff and I had a Jewish doctor too

but apparently fireworks are more important on July 4th than saving a young comedian struggling life where's your tattoo and what is it no don't worry about it

the movie is Benjamin as well as videos after dark and the play the tour and the benefit I mean yeah and they go to Redbox and get The movie is Benjamin, as well as Videos After Dark and The Play. The Tour. The Benefit.

I mean, all things Bob Saget. Yeah, and they go to Redbox and get the app. They can get the app anywhere, and then they can watch the movie and download it and stream it right into their brain. And then they can act out the movie. Fantastic, Bob. Thank you very much. Thanks for having me. I don't want to leave.

I want to see the scars. All right, big thanks to Bob Saget for coming through. We wrap up now with Big Jay Oakerson. Very apropos, his interview is brought to you by CBDMD. It's the leader of all CBD oil industry offerings. It's got a full line of CBD infused products that bring you relief from anxiety, pain, inflammation, lack of sleep, stress, all the things that we suffer from, all the things that you suffer from if you're 30 plus, but it's not psychoactive like THC.

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Promo code KFC for 25% off your order. That's CBDMD.com. Promo code KFC. Big J. Talk to him. All right. Big J. Oakerson is here.

Yes, indeed. You were at the top of the list for once we started doing Answer the Internet. And just in general, we've been doing a lot more comedians on the show. And we said, who are some other comedians you want on? Every time at the top of the list, Big Jay Oakerson. Oh, hell yeah. Well, I'm glad I'm here. Your reputation precedes you, brother.

What a cool building this whole thing is. Yeah, it's all right. The elevator with the wacky murals. Actually, one of the guys who is the building manager of some sorts sued the building or whoever. I know this story. Whoever hired the guy to paint the walls because I guess that guy was just smoking weed the whole time. And the business manager claimed they got a contact high because they had to ride the elevator with him. Really?

So I put it up and down. Suing him for a contact high? Yeah. You got to be the biggest loser in the world. Yeah, you got to be a real piece of shit. But the art in there is so like it feels like you're in a Tim Burton Batman movie. Yeah, it's very funny. You found the layer.

Yeah. Very neon. Somebody got murdered in this building like 100 years ago. Really? No, not 100 years ago. I thought it was a long time ago, no? I don't know. I have no idea.

Whatever. Someone was murdered here. It's Midtown New York. I'm sure there was plenty of murders here or around here. Are you guys trying to find out your particular ghost yeah his name's steven uh no i mean i have to not or i'd be terrified all the time i'll tell you what you look like a guy who believes in ghosts i don't believe in ghosts but i i said i've never if they're still at 41 years old if i have to go into a dark basement, even for like, you know, a basement you know

like changing laundry over in a basement and it's nighttime in the middle of the night by myself I will still run up the stairs. 100% If you are not afraid of the dark, something's fucking wrong with you. I don't care how old you are I don't care how tough you are. If you don't, like I'll reach in and hit the light first and get the phone out just for a little something

and I will run as fast as I fucking need to Minimize that time in there. That's what I said I don't live in fear of like an actual light first, get the phone out just for a little something, and I will run as fast as I fucking need to. Minimize that time in there. That's what I said. I don't live in fear of, like, an actual murderer coming in. I don't live in fear of a – it's irrational. I don't believe in ghosts, yet what I'm running from is, like, a giant black and white face that's going to come out of the dark,

like something just ridiculous. The unknown, man. Much more supernatural, yet I don't believe in ghosts at all. The puberty was really hard for me for a lot of reasons, but one of them was my house, we put an addition on my house. So we had a really new part and a really old part that was 150 years

old, and everything's much smaller back then. And as I grew, whenever I would run out of the old part, because all the washing and drying was in the old part of the basement. So whenever my mom would make me go down to full laundry or whatever, I'd put the lights off and run. I was taller than I used to be. So I would slam my head off every single time. What a fucking idiot.

On, like, door openings and stuff? Like, it was just, yeah, just like it was. Did you grow up in a Valley Forge fort? It was like the wall hanged down a little lower, and then there was also a step up. So you were going up and it was coming down? At the same time, I'd be jumping, trying to get away from this black and white monster. I mean, it happened for, it was 10 years of repetition. You knocked the musket rack off the wall and knocked over the candelabra, starting a weird fire on your wooden house?

It was terrifying. had like the furnace from uh home alone oh yeah i had a crawl space that i i've to this day i've never even poked my head because i don't want to know what's down there so i'd get the fuck out as fast as i could and it was i just always almost like like uh mario jumping up to hit the thing i would jump up and just slam my head into the fucking thing for like like years i would do that. Ten years of repetition built up against that. It would be a funny thing to run through. Like take the biggest skeptics in the world and they're still like, even if you could have full-blown entertainment at your fingertips,

would you spend the night in like an old abandoned insane asylum or something? As I was saying, I'm pretty sure that night I'd fall asleep eventually and wake up fine. But that night would just be, I'm going sure that night I'd fall asleep eventually and wake up fine. But that night would just be... I'd be sitting in the corner. I wouldn't put myself through that much anxiety. What's that show? Ghost Hunters or whatever?

Remember the show Fear on MTV? Yeah, that's the one I'm thinking of. I couldn't even watch that show. I couldn't watch people going into haunted places to spend the night. Remember it was all filmed on night cam? Yeah, like the camera facing you. It was in front of you. See, but we believe.

I don't know why you're scared if you don't believe. It makes no sense. I'll tell you what. Something like that show, like Fear like that, I think I could do that show because if I know somewhere I'm tethered to people that are watching this, which there are, I feel like I could just play to that the whole time. It's the most bizarre thing when I would watch. I get that.

I think when my daughter and ex-wife, when we all still lived together and my daughter was a baby, I remember like I watched horror movies at nighttime. Now, I love horror movies. I'm on the road a ton. I watch them during the day. I'll never watch them at night. I go to bed watching Bob's Burgers and American Dad. Never watch them at night. But when I would, I will watch a horror movie at night if I'm home with my girlfriend.

She's asleep. Doesn't matter. You just need contact. You just need contact to the tangible, realistic world. So I remember that though, watching horror movies at night and everyone was asleep with my ex-wife and daughter and just running almost like fast walking into

the bedroom when the movie's over to be like, okay, people exist. Everything's fine. I haven't crossed over into some kind of a weird place where that looks like my house but it's really not i watched hereditary that movie you ever see that no very it's like one of the newer most scary movies yeah and i it was when i was splitting up with my wife we were still in the same house though so the place was tense as fuck sure and i was alone in the dark and she was in the other room and i was watching it like with the blanket pulled up, and she was still mad at me, yelling about some shit. It was the scariest night of my life, period.

Between all things, I don't know which is scarier right now. I can't believe you had sex with my sister. You're like, not now, hon. The grandmother's coming back from the dead. There's a whole other thing here. I went to the basement, and one of Shay's toys went off, so all of a sudden it was like a ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I was so fucking scared man

I was My heart really jumped out When he sees all the people Coming to him He just shoots himself Yeah You're not getting me ghost Bam

I'm the fuck out of here Dude I was in Edmonton, Canada Not long ago Staying at They have a condo For their comedy club still Which is It's like a two

bedroom condo. It's fine. I stay in it by myself where I go. And I was in the bedroom playing, I set my video games up in the bedroom and just an impossible angle for, first of all, I wasn't holding any kind of remote control or anything anyway, but very loudly the TV in the living room turned on, which is very weird. If it turned off, I would have guessed timer, things like that. On is a very proactive thing.

On and extremely loud. And that was like at 11 o'clock, something, midnight, you know, after the shows and everything. And I went out and turned it off, and you just don't know what to do at that point. It's like I can't stay somewhere else. So I slept the rest of that weekend with a no bullshit a butcher knife

next to my bed and my buddy I remember the first time I told somebody that they go what's a butcher knife going to do against a ghost I'm like

do you know I don't know maybe it'll work I don't know it's better than nothing it's an interesting yeah I don't have a proton packed keep in the nightstand

I'm sorry a knife's my best shot in this Canadian desolate place. You've been haunted twice, just so we know. It turns out. I can't believe you don't believe this. You don't even go through.

And the moment when you, I always think when I'm watching a scary movie, like, what would I do? Like, these movies, it's always like a dad who has a family, and the house is clearly haunted. And it's like, you've got to get your family to safety. But, like, are you really going to, like, up and move them out of this fucking house, you know? So when I had my house, I mean, it was haunted that night. There was, like, footsteps running around upstairs. I was like, this is not an animal. Nobody's awake right now.

And it was going crazy. And I was laying in bed, and I was like, did you, like, call somebody? Like, something's going on here. But I know I'm an asshole for believing that it's ghosts. But I was like, but I'm also going to be the asshole who like, you know, everyone's going to get slaughtered and we're gonna be fucking dead.

Yeah. And when the ghost, when the ghost, uh, Hunter comes over, as soon as you open the door for him, you're going to go out, right?

Like this is, this is probably bullshit. Like what am I doing? It's going to be exactly the guy you think. Yes. A hundred percent. And I'm sure he's going to tell me like, Oh yeah,

I can feel the energy. One half of his button-down shirt's tucked in, the other half's out. He looks like a confused public defender or something. He's got boxes and papers everywhere. You're like, this guy doesn't know. Some rudimentary machine. Looks like a tattoo gun. I had a rabid skunk near my house last whatever, six months ago,

and I called somebody, and they're like, we're going to send out the animal control guy or whatever. It was just a dude with a gun. He came looking like that. He was not official at all, and he just fucking killed it. He was eating his egg in the car. What's up, guys? Threw it in a garbage bag, and just threw it in the backseat of his car.

There was no truck. There was no cage. There was no cage. There was no hazmat. He was like, yeah, just... He had me pop my head through the passenger side door while he filled out the invoice. When the zombie apocalypse comes, man. When the zombie apocalypse comes,

we're going to need those hillbillies. That's a good guy to know. You better nuzzle up to some. I love when you call someone like that, and they're just so incredibly unprofessional. You're like, I could have just done this myself. I i know i had a guy come once to just bug infestation and he just started spraying shit everywhere and like just let off a bomb and i could smell i'm sitting in the room watching tv like should i have left and he's like nah you're good you're

good don't worry about it i was like all right all right. Now I'm falling asleep. Or passing out. I don't know the difference. The monoxide was creeping into your brain. I find the can of Raid, which I definitely could have bought at CVS myself. I find the gas bomb he put off. It was like, make sure all occupants are out of the home. I just slept in it. Come on, man.

It very clearly says on this bottle, do not have any people in the home when you just skull and cross. I like when the professional doesn't know. That's how I feel. If you're a professional or anything, every time I've been, especially overseas, just experiences that I would never have done without comedy and the opportunities coming my way, like being in South Africa for like three weeks, things like that. And you look and I do think to myself, like, I feel like I'm getting over on them.

I'm like, you have to have a funny person in this town. Like, do you really have to import a 26 hour flight and hotel room and all these accommodations and drives? I'm like, no one can do this. Like, I literally just told like a dick joke. You know, it's like, I'm sure somebody out here could formulate this. You ever had a real job? You've been doing this forever. I've been doing this forever. But and then so ever had a real job? Or you've been doing this forever? I've been doing this forever.

But, and then, so no, not a real job or anything that mattered at all. It was always jobs you could just pick up quick. Everything from, like, telemarketing stuff to, and then I used to drive strippers' escorts to bachelor parties, which was. Really? On and off. As, like, the muscle? I guess, yeah. Or as the transport?

Like, you would be like. You realize very quickly, you're're like one dude's not muscle at a bachelor party drunk friends so that became more of like the you know the lead blocker to try to get the girl

out of the place versus like how many guys can you possibly fight at once you're a stripper fallback basically in the room

or you like wait out in the car escorts you wait in the car because they're going in the fucks and then and then as strippers you have to go in the escorts you wait in the car because they're going in the fucks and then and then the strippers you have to go in the escorts was better

the strippers? well I go in when you're the strippers you go in and you collect the money and then the escorts I guess the company when you bring the girl back would pay you or whatever but it was I thought it was going to be great that was a job I took as like a fat kid

being like all I saw was like I thought it was going to be great. That was a job I took as like a fat kid being like, all I saw was like, I'm going to see girls naked and then I drive them home when they're all horned up. That sounds like a porn series. He goes, I'm going to drive them

when they're driving home and rethinking their entire life and explaining away to me why they have to spread their butthole for strangers. How old are you? Seven times out of ten to get their kids back from social services. But I don't know where the money's going.

It's going to things that are going to numb them from the fact that their kids are in social services. How old are you doing that? Like 19 to 22 and off. Pretty much when I started comedy, I would do, because it was, when you're first in comedy, there's no reason for you to leave your weekends open

because you're not getting weekend work anywhere. Right. So during the weekdays, I would do stand-up wherever I could and then on weekends, like Friday, Saturday,

I would just go and take a girl and just drive her around to, whether to escort, the stripping one was more like the night moved quicker

because you'd go, this is before like, you had i mean the escort job now would be the greatest thing ever with smartphones and stuff and everything in your car like i could watch a netflix series while some girl is just chugging cock around town but at that point you had to sit outside and look at the surroundings and know you're not where you are and what if this is a whole thing's a trap and what if yeah but the strippers one was uh that was pretty crazy too. But the same company.

I've told this before and stuff. But the same company that I drove the strippers for. One of them. By day they would call me to do. Because it was just like a party place. And I mean. These strippers were filthy. And some of them were fucking.

And by day the same phone number. I would also go out to North Philadelphia. To do kids parties. Dressed as, Big Bird or Elmo or whatever. Get the fuck out. Yeah. They used to. So, but, like, bad neighborhood they would send me to. I was.

What it was is because. How much were you possibly getting paid that that was worth it? They saw nothing at all. What are you doing? If it was an amazing party situation that I was going to. I mean, mean like a real just cotillion beautiful ceremony and i was the thing take all that out the costumes because this guy was just like it's like a guy that didn't have a job he had a lot of jobs like this like

that kind of guy so he wore like dress pants and a button-down shirt every day very like slicked mafia looking guy. But he just like, it was all these like scuzzy businesses. So his costumes, let's say, weren't up to code. So oftentimes you were wearing like stapled together carpet, like red carpet.

And they're like, that's Elmo. Close enough. And then they'd send me to like the projects of Philadelphia to do birthday parties. And I'll tell you what teenage project kids love. Exposing what's under the horrible Elmo costume. And that upsets the little kids.

And then the little kids start crying. Then the parents come over and the parents aren't going to have a rational conversation with you about what's falling apart here. Imagine that. Imagine a parent giving you a hard time and it's like, lady, look, do you think I want to be doing this here? Like, shut the fuck up.

It's crazy. The craziest one of those I ever had was going into North Philadelphia. When I got there, it was only two babies at this kid's party. It was just two babies in high chairs eating Cheerios, like loose Cheerios. Everything else in there was like, do you remember the party in Menace to Society when the main character started gun-butting a guy at the party because... Vaguely, yes.

Because, you know, he thought he was hitting on his chick or something, Jada Pinkett. And everything else in the party was going on like that. There was dice, a lot of 40s in bags. And you're just dancing for two babies. And I walked in, well, we didn't have any of that. I walk in with a garbage bag full of costume. It was Winnie the Pooh I was going to be this day.

And I go in, and the guy is right away asking, where's the balloons and gifts? Which is not a thing. Gifts? Like, I don't know. Don't bring the gifts, man. I go, I don't know what you're doing. Don't bring the gifts, man. Well, I go, I wasn't told about anything like that.

And he goes, well, I was told you were bringing balloons and gifts. I'm like, I don't know. So it turns out this dirtbag owner, he would just say whatever to sell the, you know, to sell the party. Yeah. You know, he would try to get them there however he could. So he would just tell, but not tell me that at all. His plan was when they call angry that he's going to knock money off. You know, knock a little money off and they'll keep you there.

So they come to some sort of agreement over the phone. And this guy is definitely angry, though. And he tells me to go upstairs and change into the outfit. And I go in a bedroom and close the door. And I hear him go, yo, don't close that door the way motherfucker I'm not exaggerating that is what he referred to as motherfucker right away and I was like I already did

motherfucker because the door I guess once you close it it's like you can't open it so then I had to sit there in a Winnie the Pooh costume with no head on while they're taking hinges. Like you hear him like knocking the hinge bolt out. This old Philadelphia house.

And then the door falls and smoke. And I'm standing there. Remember the right stuff? Like I'm holding the Winnie the Pooh head like it's a helmet. I'm like, Godspeed, gentlemen. And then I went downstairs. I gave him the CD to put in for the hokey pokey stuff. And he goes, just dance to what's on, motherfucker, which was the Chronic 2001.

And I danced around to it, to these two babies that were not interested at all. I did it for like, they made me. Grateful babies. not interested at all. I did it for like, they made me all, grateful baby. They, they, they, in a weird way, kindly almost let me stop at like 20 minutes.

It's supposed to be like an hour, but they let me stop like 20 minutes in and he goes, all right, man, goes, get out of my house. And I went, I go,

I thought it was just, you know, the way he talks. I go, yeah, I go, man, the daughter's beautiful,

man. So I'm trying to be like, oh, my daughter's going to be so great. And, uh, and she's like, man. So I'm trying to be like, oh, my daughter's going to be so great. And she's like, God bless everybody. God bless you all. I go, I'm going to go upstairs and change. He goes, no, I said get out of my house.

And I went, oh, I go, I know because of the confusion earlier. I go, but please don't be mad at me. It wasn't my thing. You know, my apologies. But let me just go change real quick. He goes, yo, I said get out of my house and i realized it was getting real and i'm still talking through the grill of a winnie the pooh costume i take i take the head off which makes the two babies free the babies just saw winnie the pooh remove his head these two babies start screaming. And then the dude, thank God I'm wearing this big, goofy, horribly made,

stuffed with pillow lining costume that this guy had made. This guy's hitting me. But in two feet of felt, he's punching me through. So it's not hurting at all, but he's trying to get me out. And he's pushing me out of the house, basically. And he just yells three very ethnic names. And then, uh, I went, if he was calling, if it was the first three names of your basketball team, you'd be like,

we're going to win this game. When they sit, when those, when those three names are followed by get them. Uh, I hauled ass out of there. And I don't know if I was being chaser, but I jumped in. I remember at the time I was still driving my mom's stick shift Chevette. So I got in with the gloves and decided to, like, operate a stick shift with the gloves. I just took off.

The head was off, but I was in, like, the – I remember the steering wheel was, like, hitting the belly. Your stomach? Yeah. I'm already fat, and then I got this thing that's making me like, you know, look like I was 200 pounds heavier. And that was weird. That's probably the scariest, most dangerous story of that whole world, including the strippers.

There's the two-year-old birthday party. That wasn't your last time doing it? You went back on the next day, like just love of the game? The kids' parties? I don't know if I ever did a kids' party. No. I don't know. They were so bad.' party again. No. I don't know. They were so bad.

Yeah, I mean, my first one ever I went was Elmo and in a terrible costume was outside in blazing summer sun with this, and these costumes

were awful. And I remember teenage kids came up, like young teens, like 13-something, and it was a little girl's birthday party. And I remember

hugging my leg at one point and going, she goes, I love you, Elmo. And that was the second where you're like, this job's all worth it. That's what it's about. Look at this little kid. Look at how happy this beautiful little girl is.

And then you just hear like a kid like, that ain't the real Elmo. She goes, yes, it is. And she goes, why is he wearing Nikes? And she goes, no, yeah, which I'm like, and I'm almost looking at this kid like, come on, kid, like, stop being big. And he starts looking through the grill while I'm talking to him like, he sees something he can't believe,

and then he just pulls the sleeve up of the outfit, and he just screams this part, he goes, Elmo's white! You can almost hear one gram on the back go, no. I mean, I got to say, congrats. That's probably the most depressing story that's ever been told on this show. There's been a lot.

There's been a lot. I disagree. Oh, they're great stories in hindsight. Winnie the Pooh in the hood. Is that the word? That's why I think it's like I actually try and put myself in dangerous situations like Oh, they're great stories in hindsight. Winning the poo in the hood. That's why I think it's like I actually try and put myself in dangerous situations like that. Just because trying to be funny or to have funny stories to tell, it's like more dangerous than being on the SWAT team. Because you're like, I'm going to get in some fucked up stuff tonight just so I can talk about it. And you're like, I don't know what is going to happen necessarily.

I don't do it so much anymore, but I used to take the – I remember a guy who was the manager of a comedy club when there was a Miami Improv. I don't know if there is a new one now, but this is a different place. And this manager ran, and I knew him from another gig I did. He seemed like a nice enough guy, a young guy. But I was pretty young at the time. And I go – the hotel from this club was a block away.

It's raining. And he goes, let my boys take you home. And he points at his boys. One's like six foot five white guy with like blonde dreadlocks and like, you know, I think a face tattoo or two. And you're like, but also you could tell it was like, there's definitely rich kid that did all this stuff. You know what I mean?

Like the rebellion of rich kid. And I'm like, I don't know. And then his friend came up, and his friend looks just like as goofy as, like, a little tiny, like, Puerto Rican, like, skinny Puerto Rican guy. That was much smaller than him. And then when he walked up, I was like, yeah, I got to see what these guys' world is. Just, again, it's something to talk about. You know what I mean? Yes, exactly.

And to have a story to tell. And I got in with these guys. And sure enough, we got to their car. Now I don't know where I mean? Yes, exactly. And to have a story to tell. And I got in with these guys. And sure enough, we got to their car. Now I don't know where I'm at. I was a block away from the hotel through a series of weaves and turns. I have no idea where I'm at. So I'm with these guys now. And right away he starts screaming that his car got robbed.

They took his guns and all of his weed. And then he's screaming in the street. A guy walked up. A little description i make of guys i know i would never like is like uh frat guy clothing holding uh a red solo cup with beer and his hands in a wrist cast i've just met that guy 7 000 times he walks up and he goes or the guy was screaming and she goes i know rob me it wasagen, which is a great last name to be angry at. And then the guy walked up with the cup and the wrist cares. Hagen.

He's like, nah, it wasn't me, bro. And it was just cut to this guy had a spiked bat in his trunk. And he's screaming in the streets, turning around. Remember the Jennifer Love Hewer? Like, what do you want from us? He's's screaming in the streets turning around like remember uh the jennifer love you were like what do you want from us he's like doing that in the street like who took my weed and gun he's yelling he's like you like like legal things were stolen from him who took my dog and sweater and then uh work for you bro i found i figured i had to walk home yeah man it's all about the story, though.

That kind of shit, I mean, at this point, give me all the near-death experiences. Give me all sorts of shit as long as I can fill some time on the fucking air, man. Well, as a comic, too, and as a broadcaster, for sure, everything, as you become an adult, it's that same shift in there's some age in your life as a kid where you go, I'm like, what is this guy jerking off? And you go, no, I don't do that is this guy jerking off? And he goes, no, I don't do that.

I don't tell everyone's like, you're going to jerk off. I'm going to get out of here. So I can jerk off is how much I want to drive. How much I love jerking off. Do you know what I mean? Like it's, it's the, it's when you,

when you have things like all of the things that were bad, a girl embarrassing you and, or dumping you or not liking you or setting you up to any kind of thing that went haywire now becomes like you can tell the story and it's it makes you endearing it makes you like touchable like I can't wait for more depressing shit to happen to me man this is great

people always that's why I said there's comedy that exists in the world still that I never understand unless you're doing like the Dice character then I get it like you know that I'm the shit and you suck and my dick's the biggest Def Jam kind of brought in an era of like the hip hop

vibe that was still like I'm the shit I fuck real good but genuinely I think for the most part for the masses everyone's got their successes but everyone like relates to like failure fucking up and missing out not getting the girl you want and all

that stuff and it's just in hindsight is all so funny the stuff you do to go out of i mean like to this day i still have a joke in my ipod always is the song pretty brown eyes by mint condition which was the song i mean a moment in my life where i was dancing with the girl who was my high school crush the whole time in 10th grade at a school dance, and we slow danced to this song. It's still – it doesn't mean anything to me emotionally, but it's funny to me how much that song's still in my head from that moment. And this is – while we were dancing, she had one arm only on my shoulder and was definitely doing it like, okay, I'll dance with you, you weirdo,

who I know likes me all the time, while she was having a full-on conversation with friends. But in my mind, I'm just so... Pretty brown eyes. You all got those moments. I was Britney Spears sometimes. I'd dance in my friend's living room with Vanessa. Vanessa couldn't have given two shits?

I mean, she was my girlfriend. Oh, that's way different. I'm talking about the difference in perspective of that song. If I told that girl, remember we danced that song in a thing? She'd go, did I go to the dance in 10th grade? Absolutely not. Right. I think it was a big moment for you.

I went up to Allie. Remember Allie? Beautiful girl. Way out of my league. My best friend convinced me to go ask her to be my girlfriend. At the time, I was like, thank you. My buddy hyped me up and got me to go do it. I did it after school when school

let out in front of everyone like a lunatic. She was like, no. Just like that. No, we're not going to go out. did it after school when school let out in front of everyone like a lunatic and she was like um no just like that like no we're not going to go out and everybody like saw it and I walked back to my friend I'm like what the fuck was that why would you fucking tell me to do that man he's like I didn't think you're really going to do it

dude but that girl would probably have no recollection that I ever even approached her Kim Krapinski Kim Krapinski in I mean it was young, great. We were young. But she was a girl that we had held hands at a party.

It meant a lot to me. And then we were, I thought we were dating. I didn't believe we were dating. We were talking on the phone every day. I'd walk her home and whatever. In my mind, this was before, like, making out of any kind. So we didn't do that. But I remember then one day

she just like wasn't taking calls or whatever like you know and should have way should have got the hint well i set myself up for this me and my buddies were walking home one day from so i just remember her brother was older than us and at that point may still only be like 13 or 14 he was older than us right but he uh he pulls up on a bike and i go hey hey like i call him over and i go hey i don't know what's going on with your sister but uh i was like she's like is everything all right is she sick or something i've been able to get a hold of her whatever like that and he goes oh yeah he's like you're jake it's pretty messed up like i think she really liked you a lot but then all of her friends were

like you're gonna you like that fat kid you're gonna be with the fat kid so then she was just like she was like no and then she's just like now she's just gonna probably gonna ignore you I guess it's pretty messed up though dude anyway have a great day and you're in front of your friends you're like haha so stupid

he goes yeah it's Kyle man he messes around like that Kyle you dick I'll see you at fantasy football later. Man, that's a fucking bleak moment. And then that same dance when I danced with the school crush, I didn't have a date for that dance. And it was a lot, which a lot of people did. It wasn't like a prom or anything.

It was like a dance. And they were doing pictures. It was Valentine's Day is what it was because lot, which a lot of people did. It wasn't like a prom or anything. It was like a dance. And they were doing pictures. It was Valentine's Day is what it was because they were doing pictures. I found one of these recently. I have to see if I could re-find this somewhere in my life. I hope I didn't throw it out. But they were selling, you know, the pictures at the dances. And I didn't have anybody, but I wanted to take one.

And I was so non-threatening to these girls and their boyfriends that like one guy just let me take a picture with his girlfriend and the thing she's a very pretty girl I took a picture so my my picture from that dance is me like in the full blow like hand on her hand on her hips not even the hottest chick just a cute chick and uh I got my hands on her hips and it's like you know smiling she's like okay okay. I can't even imagine what's going through her mind in that picture still to this day. Why am I doing this? Should I be smiling like we are a couple?

And they give it back to you laminated. You get it back laminated. It was just a rectangle laminated of me with another guy's girlfriend. He's wildly, they go, oh my god, where was her boyfriend at? He goes, I think right off camera. He took the picture.

And he goes, was he freaking out off camera? He goes, nope. Just waiting casually, yeah. That was his chance to go catch a smoke break, I think. That's fucking shit, man. How did you link up with Soder? Me and Soder went through comedy.

I've been doing it some years longer than him and then I remember Soder kind of showing up at the clubs when he was doing like just check spots which is what they kind of throw newer comics to do and I just see him he was a hustler for one and we just had a very natural

where time and comedy didn't mean anything where I'm a little bit older than him I'm about six years older than him so like the time and comedy and't mean anything, where I'm a little bit older than him. I'm about six years older than him. So, like, the time and comedy and Asian romantic, we just had a very good, like, rhythm with conversation as far as, like, being funny. It was just silliness. That happens more often or not?

I feel like comics are sometimes pretty competitive, standoffish, like, not the type to fall in a groove. Where do you find that you guys are going along? I think there's a lot of friends. I think it's got to how you bump into people they're probably I never even overthought this

but there probably should be some sort of gap in the thing for a friend because I think what happens when people start together that ends up being one of my closest friends in the world I always say is Kurt Metzger

and he is one of my we started comedy together you know Kevin Hart we also started comedy together you know Kevin Hart we also started comedy together you know we're good friends me and Kurt much closer than me and Kev these days obviously but I mean life also from things kind of lead you in different directions right then when you get to a point where you're a little bit older the next crop of people coming in sometimes you make friends with them a little more because their schedule is a little more open. Do you know what I mean?

They're not doing much, so they're around, and if you hit it off with somebody. So Dave Smith and Louis J. Gomez, two guys I do my Legion of Skanks podcast with, they're younger than me in comedy, which isn't even – that was at a point in time where they were brand new in comedy, and I was doing it like 10 years or something like eight years, and they were a few years, and I was doing it like, you know, 10 years or something like eight years.

And they were a few years. And now it's like they've been doing it 14 years or whatever. But I became really tight with them. We ended up doing the podcast. Soder came along. We just had this kind of organic like friendship that would just be outside of comedy clubs or wherever we saw each other. We weren't really like hanging each other's house much. Right.

Here and there. That's kind of how it is here. I've never been to his house. Yeah. Well, here and there, like barbecues. Barbecues, we'd invite a bunch of comics and stuff. He would come to those type things. But we would just have so much fun.

And that was the time, again, I was married with a kid, so my schedule wasn't really like hanging out at the bars. I was just going to soda or even drink and hang out at bars and stuff. And I didn't do any of that stuff. But we would have this. And just at one point, my girlfriend who works in comedy. She's not a comedian, but she works in. She produces Bonfire now.

But she would just watch us. That's fun. Did you start? It's great. Were you dating before? Like she got the job after? She got the job after. Yeah, but she was from the get-go like helpful and she deserves

it I'm sure there's nepotism there in some way but more importantly was that she would hang out smoking cigarettes with me and Soda outside these comedy clubs and she would just be like hey why don't you guys like do like a podcast or some sort of a radio

thing and Soda had some equipment I was like yeah well I'll go over there we'll just dick around and play video games yeah smoke pot and then we'll see if we have any kind of rhythm to talk on a microphone we did over the course of a few weeks like nine hours just talking in his apartment being funny and my manager edited it down and sent it to series xm and it kind of like went from there it was just quite a process from there but i mean that's it really what it was. And then, you know, now the more we do hang together and stuff, how close we have become and stuff. And Soder's a good friend I talk to every day, pretty much.

What's up with Soder having a roommate? That's some weird shit, no? Is that just because he travels so much? Well, he travels a lot. I think he's just like, Soder's like a simple dude. You know what I mean? Like he's really like a workhorse. It's what I mean? He's really like a workhorse. It's very admirable.

It's not even like an age thing with him. I actually used to think that at a certain age you have to move out. I actually think it doesn't really matter anymore. I think there's an age thing for me. I feel like any time I've seen him. He's on season four of a Showtime show. He could live alone for sure. And he will.

And he will. But I think of the situation, I think he likes, one, you know, we're all like man children. Yeah. So there's a thing. I had. Activities. I was with my ex-wife with a roommate for many, many years. Joe DeRosa being one of them, Kurt Metzger being one of them.

And then we've got it together enough to get our own place with our daughter. And then that place fell apart. And then we moved in with my ex-mother-in-law's place, but she didn't live there. So we moved into that. Yeah, I mean, you've got to make ends meet sometimes. But when we split up and I moved into the city with my girlfriend and I did have Mike Fanoia

who's a great comic and a writer on Practical Jokers like he was my roommate there for like three years almost we lived together and now we don't have a roommate and stuff but it's just like it's a matter of what you want to do I think where Dan's at that's like works for him you know what I mean like that situation but I mean he could

anytime we've read a story or done a blog or a podcast about these things, somebody always ends up chopped up in the freezer. Whenever there's like platonic roommates that are not romantically involved over the age of like 35. Both comics. You didn't, you know, you threw out the fucking toothpaste. I kill you.

You forgot to feed my snake. There's always a snake involved. I chopped your head off and put it in the freezer. I always think it's just as simple as like, I don't know, man. I might want to walk from the bathroom to my bedroom with my dick out. And then I want somebody to do it. And I know my, you know, you have to remember. Also, all my roommate situations were pretty much me with the girlfriend or wife.

And so it's funny having your chick walk out when you and your roommate buddy are watching TV or playing video games and she has to come out in a towel. Even though it's not that big of a deal, it's still just kind of like, yeah, dude, her pussy. You guys look at your friend like, her pussy's right under there, man.

You're a stiff breeze away from seeing that whole chunch. Well, we appreciate you coming through, man. I appreciate you having me, man. You're on Bonfire every day. Legion of Skanks is the podcast. You got any dates or anything else? This is live.

Probably next week it'll be out. Next week. Yeah, I got a bunch of Cleveland hilarities coming up. Huntsville, Alabama. Let's fill that thing up. Some of you are in Chicago. You're always like, I'll promote it. Game day.

Yeah. Huntsville, Alabama. He goes, please, everybody, if you live three hours away, please drive there. And Big J Comedy for all my dates. Awesome, man. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Thank you.