KFC Radio - Brendan Sagalow, Disney P*rnstar Names, a Little Sociopathy, and NSFW History

Episode Date: October 29, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and leave a review! -Recap the Dodgers Winning World Series/Drama surrounding it -Disney Shows based of P*rnstar names -AITA Thursday -Forgotten NSFW History -Voicemails (01:54:00) Brendan Sagalow joins the show! We talk about his roots in comedy, growing up on Long Island, best/worst jobs, trying to get onto tik tok, and much more. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @FeitsBarstool @BrendanSagalow Check out Brendan's website for his latest shows and keep an eye out for his comedy album http://brendansagalowcomedy.com/ Check out daily videos on our Youtube: www.Youtube.com/c/kfcradio Join our discussion group on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/990412718092363You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. About- You can see people's faces when I talk to them. They laugh almost the whole time. I'm fucking funny. That's what people would like about me. He said almost the whole time.

Sometimes they stop, but for the vast majority they're laughing it's another edition of kfc radio the Barstool Sports Network. Big day. Sports. There's like a little bit of a gap now. We've gone from like sports Armageddon to like we just got football. Yeah. It was actually also really weird with the World Series. Seeing on this days makes sense again. What?

Where like all the on this days where it was like on this day, like the Red Sox won the World Series. Yeah. I think this today, this Wednesday,, where it was like, on this day, like, the Red Sox won the World Series. Yeah. I think this today, this Wednesday, I think it was in 07 they won. Like, you mean they're back on schedule? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there were so many times where it's like, like, there's going to be a weird period in history where it's like, on this day.

The Stanley Cup was won. The Los Angeles Lakers won the NBA Championship. It's like, in October? What are you talking about? Yeah, the anniversaries are going to be very weird. Yeah, no doubt. Like, the last title that LeBron ever won, if it's like the last one he ever wins or something,

is going to be October, you know, 15th or whatever. It's like during the pandemic, you'd always have like those videos where it was like, they were like the only piece of sports you could get. But all the anniversaries and like sports weren't even happening. Now we're going to have this weird overlay of fucking sports aren't happening forever. And it's like five years ago, LeBron his championship and these will be the most these are gonna be

some of the most talked about because they're they're like the weirdest the quirkiest yeah and as i mean the world series is the best example of on the field and off the field shit just as dramatic as it fucking gets it was one of the wildest nights of baseball I can recall. And if you factor in the game four and then the way this ended. Which one was game four? The crazy one. Like the crazy ending. With the Rosarena?

Yeah. Well, yeah, with the Rosarena scoring. Right, right, yeah. I mean, the Rosarena is every game. He could have been the MVP. He could have been an MVP in the losing effort if Corey Seager wasn't just balling out himself. Yeah, which also is bullshit, because here's the deal with you fucking Mike Trout MVPs.

His team stinks. I think if you're only going to give MVPs to the winning team in the playoffs, it should only be MVPs to good teams in the regular season. That's a compelling argument. I was thinking about this the other day no one on a losing team ever gets mvp in the playoffs it's why should it change in the post is on the regular season yeah i i do kind of like that the mvp of like i like that pitchers and and position players are

in the mix the same way like i'm happy there's no cy young for the world like cy young award for the postseason you know it's like we're just talking about if you were the pitcher that dominated the most the hitter that dominated the most, it doesn't matter. But yeah, I guess so. The best player in that series, I mean, you have to look at the numbers because Rosarito balled out, but so did Corey Seager.

See, I didn't watch enough. I think about 500. I think I only watched 456 or something like that, but I didn't watch enough to really know who was in the MVP conversation. My timeline and my mentions are typically pretty Mookie Betts heavy for one reason or another. I can't imagine why. So I was only just getting tweets whenever Mookie does something good.

It was pretty often. But if you go by that metric, it's back to a Rosarena. That's all anybody was talking about. He's fucking awesome. And I saw some people saying, like, well, he got the extra series, but, like, you know, there's guys who sweep, and, you know, the number of games probably evened out the same way. The ultimate stat regarding all that, though,

like most postseason home runs ever, you see the Barry Bonds, like, tidbit? No. He got walked 27 times in the postseason he did it. He had, like, nine home runs or eight home runs in like 40 at-bats because the other 28 were walks. So forever and always it's King Barry. But, yeah, I mean, if you go by that metric and whoever talked about the most and who just like was every single game,

Paul, and it's a Rosarena. You know, like Kershaw, like, you know, yeah, he got a couple. Did he get the wins both times? Yes. He might have been 2-0, but it just wasn'th you know like kershaw like you know yeah he got a couple did he get the wins both times yeah he might have been two and oh but it just it just wasn't you know those needed to be seven innings like no runs you know for him i thought he was gonna come up last night you see yeah i know someone who was like he's up and stretching i was like when when when this game when they when they blew that game and it went 2-2 and he knew he was coming back and like he must have been sweating he must have just been like god let this series end one way or another with or with

like just without me we can lose just don't put me back out there so he doesn't do enough and like the i was that way i i got that shame as a young child where i remember being there was a um we're in overtime in a hockey tournament in Montreal and it was like, the tournament was so cool. It was a can-am and it went, it would go five on five

for the first five minutes, four on four, next five minutes, three on three and we went down to like one on one. And you don't want to be here. And it was like,

if I over, are you ready to go? And I was like, I'm gas, coach. Yeah, yeah, man. We're going to win or lose. Whatever's going to happen, my ass is going to be

on the bed for it. Bro, I remember thinking. I'm not one of those like, I want the ball in my hand on the game. I remember thinking one of those, like, I want the ball in my hand. I remember thinking in Little League, I'm counting the number of batters. I'll probably be up in the fifth inning. I don't want to be up during the sixth.

I'll lead off. I don't want to make the last out. I've actually had a couple of successful bottom nine lead, or bottom seven. Start the rally? Even that, I don't want the pressure of that. It's like, oh, I got thrown out trying to stretch it from first to third, and, you know, you ruined the rally. I just want to cheer, bro. thrown out trying to stretch it from first to third, and you ruined the rally. I just want to cheer, bro. I just want to cheer, and that's why I'm not involved at all.

That's why I'm not the competitor. But all of the baseball shit. So on the field, what do you think is the more ridiculous thing? By the way, great job by me knowing I was gassed. We won the game. Yeah, you're a hero. You are a hero. You are a hero. You would have lost.

I could have gone out there hurt and not been in full capacity. Guess what we won. Hurt? Emotionally, like you're a pussy. That's an injury. All of them. I was fat. I was out of shape.

I was tired. And I was scared. I had no business being in that hockey game. Good for me for speaking up. I had an upper body injury. It's my fucking brain and my heart. They're not in it. Blake Snell getting pulled.

Justin Turner, Corona. Which is the more ridiculous. Because if you're talking about... I mean, it's close. It is really close. That's how bad the Kevin Cash decision was. Fifth inning, 73 pitches. Two hits.

Nine strikeouts. Nine strikeouts. He went five and two thirds. Nine strikeouts. Two hits. Nine strikeouts. Nine strikeouts. He went five and two-thirds, nine strikeouts, two hits, no walks. So two base runners, one of which being the one that happened right then and there. The middle of the order all struck out twice. Yep. That's Seager, Turner, two strikeouts each. I have, obviously, a boneheaded decision.

Obviously, you just have to fucking have some feel for the game. The guy's fucking cruising. Every Ray in the post-game press conference was like, it's the best I've ever seen him throw. He was on fire. He was unhittable. Every Dodger in post-game press conferences were fucking laughing, being like, what the hell? That was the spark we needed.

We knew we couldn't touch him. That was what we needed. That double was like, it hit the fucking side and bounced off. It was like quirky, but still gave up a rope down the line. And then when a wild pitch scores the tying run, it's like, oh boy, you put in like the most incompetent of pitchers here. When a wild pitch scores a run. And Tyler Johnson had given up a run in each of his last like five appearances.

Right. scores a run and tyler johnson had given up a run in each of his last like five appearances right it wasn't like yeah if you had a uh lockdown bullpen you were going to like andrew miller who gives it to fucking mariana rivera or something like that fine but as far as i know that's not the game plan you know it will i mean he became the laughingstock of baseball last night but i will give kevin castman credit in the sense that he did own it he was like nah it was the wrong move yeah like he i i will give him some credit on both sides of it. Where like, you're the Rays, you're a small market team, you dance with the one who brought you here. If that is the system that brought you here...

Is it, though? I mean, I know they're just such an analytics-heavy team. Yeah, oh, yeah. If the numbers say so, then do the numbers. You know, when you get to the heart of the order, third time around, it's usually when you start to get hit. All that stuff. Like, I don't agree with it. But if it's what got you to Game heart of the order third time around, it's usually when you start to get hit, all that stuff.

I don't agree with it. But if it's what got you to Game 6 of the World Series, why abandon it there? I guess. I can understand. I wouldn't do it, but I can understand the thought process. Blake Snell is one of your studs if it's your third, fourth pitcher. That's a name that no one... If I was a manager, I've always thought about this with like the grady littles of the world like i would always much rather

have pedro martinez or blake snell lose the game then you know you went to some fucking scrub reliever all relievers are scrubs all relievers are bad all relievers are failed starters you know when the mets did it with matt harvey i thought it was like particularly stupid because it was like you let him go back out there. Then he gives up the base runner, and you clearly don't have it. Whereas this guy was like it wasn't that late in the game. You're allowed to give up a base runner. I got all around bad decisions.

So what is the worst decision, that or Justin Turner going back out there? Now, people don't realize that he did – it's funny now seeing the tweet the tweet where he said can't believe I'm not out there with my guys and then people are like this you and it's like well for an hour he wasn't he went back out there to take pictures with the trophy but he wasn't like a part of the initial celebration but he was he was quarantining and then came back out an hour later Kevin you, Kevin, you have to quarantine for 14 days, not an hour. But I'm saying, like, there was, like, it wasn't like he disregarded it, like, absolutely, like, never even a question. It was like he was following the rules,

and I know it's still, like, way too short of a period, but I'm saying it wasn't like he stayed in the game or just rushed out there right away. Like, there was a period of time where he was just sitting by himself, like, not celebrating the World Series. I think that's crazy. I mean, I don't think people are being honest with themselves about this. I think a lot of athletes would be like, fuck it, I'm going out there.

Well, I would not go just because of the public shame. Yeah, right. Because also, like, fucking who cares? But see, that's – see that? I don't want to party – like, I want to party with my team, but I want to party with my team in a club. I don't want to sit in the fucking See that? I don't want to party. I want to party with my team. I want to party with my team in a club. I don't want to sit in the fucking dugout. I don't know, man.

The dugout? I mean, did you see the Lakers video? It was fucking downright depressing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know. I mean, to me, the moment that you're, you know, the final out moment is like the moment, not the club. You can always party in the club with your friends.

The moment you're on the field to win the World Series is the memorable moment. Yeah, but he wasn't on it for that. Yeah. I think going out there is beyond the flurry. I have to go. It's stupid, but I think it's almost worse if you do it for the public pressure. If you're doing it because you're like,

I don't... Well, I also just definitively would not want to get my teammates sick. Yeah, if that's your reason... He wasn't a false positive. That was his second test. He's a confirmed positive test, which also is insane that the guy with a confirmed positive test lasted longer than the guy who had two fucking hits with nine Ks.

That guy was in the game until the eighth. What was it, sixth? He came out at the end of the seventh. So that dude lasted longer than Blake Snell, which is insane. But if you're defined COVID positive, you can't go kiss your fucking wife. That's crazy. But I also believe, you know, his thought process is probably like, I kissed her all day today. And I've been around these guys for the last three hours. What's another 45 minutes? I get that.

But it also is just like, I mean, it's stupid. I get your thought process. My thing is like, if you are worried about getting them sick, all good. If you're worried about the public pressure, I think that would be a reason to be like, well, they'll get over that. Like, Twitter will be mad for, like, an hour or a week, and then, like, it'll go away, and I will forever have my World Series memory. Okay, let's say six players get sick.

Yeah, then, I mean, that's your role in the biggest roll of the dice ever. Because if anybody gets sick,, God forbid, Dave Roberts, everyone's bringing up the cancer, and if, you know, the picture of him smooching his wife, like if she has it, it's going to be like, you dumb bugger. The lower third says, Justin Turner tested positive for COVID-19. And, like, the wife thing I get because it's like, yes, we've been in bed. She's probably going to have it.

Yeah. So, like, in the beginning of COVID when, like, I was, it's like, yes, we've been in bed. She's probably going to have it. So in the beginning of COVID when I was not feeling well, there was a weekend day where it was like, I'm waiting for the test back. Should I not see the kids? And it was kind of like, well, you saw them all day yesterday. So it was just kind of like the smartest thing in the world. No, but it would have jacked up our whole schedule. So I just watched my kids like normal that day. I think that there is logic behind that.

Again, the obvious smartest thing to do is just like don't do it. But if you're doing it because of the optics, I think that that's like – I think the only reason people do most things is for the optics. Yeah. But then my logic would state like if I'm just worried about public pressure, if I truly don't think I'm getting somebody sick or I think I've already gotten people sick. Okay, let's say he gets Mookie Eduardo Rodriguez sick. I feel like people forgot about Eduardo Rodriguez.

He, like, died. Eduardo Rodriguez, like, let's say three weeks ago, was just cleared to start walking. Yeah. He's a professional athlete who, since March, it was actual spring training he got it. So I think since March, February, whenever the fuck they were down in St. Pete,

he has not been cleared to walk. Let's say you gave Mookie Vets your $300 million, $400 million, man, whatever his contract is. You know what I would be like? I mean, I was with the guy for seven hours all day. But that's not going to fly. People are going to be like, well, like, once you knew you were positive, you still put him at risk.

And these are all long shots. I understand that. Yeah, but then ultimately, it all does boil down to just people being mad at you. Or feeling bad about yourself that you fucking potentially ruined Mookie Betts' career. But you might have done that at 3 p.m hanging out in the clubhouse but you also might not have and like that so to me i'd be like this is major league baseball's fault i guess because there's no there's gonna be no way to tell when you gave it to someone no no you can't so i would ultimately feel bad but i'd be like yeah i mean i was with this dude all day long.

The, the one hour in between where I wasn't like, I don't think that's going to save anybody. I think it definitely could. I don't, I don't know how close they were. I don't know what they did. I mean,

they are going to complete opposite ends of the field. I don't know what they call the locker room situation or clubhouse situations. Like, but like, but even like, so Mookie was like, we're not worried about all that.

We want them out there. It's like, these guys are all being stupid and all want their moment. And then, you know, weeks later, they'd be like, oh, that was fucking dumb. It's like when my grandparents, during the heat of the pandemic, were like, we don't care. We want to see you. I'm like, well, I don't fucking care what you don't care about. Like, I don't want to kill you.

Right. So I'd be like, too bad if you want me to. I can definitively say with 100% chance, 100% certainty, that if I tested positive for COVID-19, I would not be on the field. I would not be celebrating. i'd have gone home i'd have like that's just i be it for optics be it because i felt bad because like there's no one there who gives i'm just on the team with the same fuck on the same with the same feel the same people i'm just going home i would i i am 100 certain i would do that i'm not i don't think i i mean if if it was like i'm trying to think of what the equivalent was if we achieved something on the level of of the world series and you were like just like come

on like just come out like we'll accept the award together or something like that i could definitely be persuaded i would not i think i think it's just again if i was sitting with you in like the awards show for fucking four straight hours and then you were like well just come on stage with me and we'll do it and then you go home. I'd be like, I would think about it. And then also, but there are also like so many people in that field who he wasn't with.

Yeah. They were family members. They were like the Fox people. They were the Rob Manfred. He clearly killed Rob Manfred. But I mean, like that was ridiculous. I mean,

that had to, he was just like hearing himself in his earpiece probably. I guess that's what people have said. Because I mean, he didn't even sound drunk. It sounded like Ron Paul's,on paul remember when he had an actual stroke a week ago that's what i feel like it's it's falling it's gonna fall on turner but i mean that is one billion percent major league baseball testing's fault what is the point of testing

if you don't get the results of the second inning? I mean, that to me opens up the door for like tinfoil hat of like, we knew Justin Turner had it and like it's a World Series clinching game and like, whoops, we've lost it. We'll find it later. I don't know. It's just like that hadn't happened at all. And then all of a sudden it does. And then it's the guy who did test positive.

Right. That seems weird. Seems very strange that by chance the one time there's an anomaly when the testing gets delivered, it happens to be after the first pitch and it's the guy who tested positive. That feels like somebody testing was a Dodgers fan being like, well, Justin Turner's like our best postseason hitter literally of all time. Whoops.

We'll tell him later. But, I mean, by that point there's there there just is no way to tell and obviously more exposure is bad but you know by that point the horse is way out of the barn for even for all those people it's like yeah maybe he's not in direct contact but everybody's been in contact with justin turner for the last how many hours he's been at the clubhouse you know at the stadium but and it But I guess it's not even an optics thing. It's just you keep making the argument that it could have been passed before. Yes, it could have.

But, like, if you went out on the field and say, let's say it becomes a super spreader event, like the White House ceremony was. And, like, Chris Christie ended up on the fucking, in the ICU for, like, a week or whatever. And let's say someone from Fox dies. Let's say someone from the team. So, and it's not,

I'm not just going to say like a major player gets seriously ill, like just some camera guy or someone, you know, one of the Chevy representatives or whatever. And I'm like, you have to wear that. Yeah. Like your need to hold the world series trophy in that moment killed the guy.

Yeah. But I mean that I, but I still would always go back to being like i you know whether who knows if it was that five minutes or that fucking seven hours beforehand but it's a chevy guy it's not it's a guy who was out there for just when you were talking to him yeah yeah i mean but and i and then i guess the other thing is like we we have done this every single time we have done when the marlins got sick when the cardinals got sick when all these nfl teams get sick and like nothing has happened every time it's just like those guys

quarantine and then everyone but those are guys going out healthy and getting sick there's a guy who is sick going out with people those are guys who are like we're gonna go to dinner right right but i don't fault people who are going to dinner healthy but i'm saying in general like every time we've seen a positive test or even a rash of positive tests, we're like, here, here we go. And then it just like never happens. And that's not a good enough reason to be like, well, fuck it. I'm going to risk it. I'm just saying that like if it was if it was a regular season game, Justin Turner's not doing this.

This is special circumstances that it's like the ultimate achievement for you and your team and your career and your like your whole life. It's like the culmination of your life. And, you know, you and so that's like the the differentiator and obviously that's not enough like if people get sick and die you're like that's that's not good you you tarnish that like that's all you'll think about right now like my responsibility my selfishness killed and it's a long shot probably i don't know i don't know i don't know how old everyone out there was i don't know i feel like you know it's almost like boils down to even like the people who opted out it's like they took the ultimate precaution and then you look at david price and it's like oh he probably

wishes he probably wishes he played yeah you know and so this is like a smaller more like high stakes version of that where it's like in all likelihood in a week we're gonna forget about this and justin turner got his like you know had his moment i mean this. And Justin Turner got his, like, you know, had his moment. I mean, he just took a picture with it. Yeah. But I,

you know, I mean, whatever, whatever, you know, whatever, however tangible that moment might be. It's like he was on the field with his team and his coach and his wife and had like that

world series moment rather than the alternative. Maybe what happened wasn't that great. The alternative is him literally just sitting and staring at a wall by himself, which is almost a cooler story. That's like a perfect 2020. Like, kids, I want to work seriously. If that's me, I'm popping on IG Live and having my own. Now I'm the star star.

But for him, it's like he wanted to celebrate with his teammate. I think in all likelihood, this is going to be no problem. And it's whatever. But the risk is certainly there. I'm just saying I don't know if I would be as staunch about it as you are. If I knew – if I had already been around all the people that I'm talking about already for the last – But before the World Series, there were so many people who you weren't around. Yeah, yeah.

I mean I guess, right? It was like the bubble when it's just the team on the floor and but like this wasn't the bubble this was all the families were there the the uh executives were there fox executives chevy exec i keep saying chevy i forget but i i'm just i feel like you know any that that network is going to be justin turner has already like tarnished those people already by being around everyone who then was out there anyway. You know what I mean? Those people are all at risk as it's obviously more at risk of Justin

Turner's like, I don't know, hugging people from Fox, but I don't think that was probably really happening. You know what I mean? I feel like he's probably with his teammates who are then with his family, whether or not it's in that exact moment on the field or the last seven hours in the clubhouse,

those people are probably all at risk one way or the other. I mean, everyone's at risk. It's a global pandemic, but I think that's why you just like I tested again. It's very different than going out healthy. Like I am positive. I am.

Yeah, I have the sickness, which is extremely spreadable. And I have it. And I'm going to just go willingly. I think that's incredibly irresponsible. Oh, no doubt. And like, I don't I don't think a picture with the World Series trophy justifies it. Probably not. I have a picture with the fucking Stanley Cup

but you also can't ever you don't know what it's like until you're in that spot you've been like a lifelong big leaguer he's a guy who like got caught and you know like you finally make it to the top it's different than I don't think anybody can say what that really feels like in the moment until you're there no but I also think I don't

think he had the moment I think he was alone for the moment and then after that he kind of walked out on the field and was like okay i'll take a picture with this i wonder too all like if if everybody's like dude like come on like we don't care whatever dude because by that point i don't know who else was really on the field still or whatever like if all the guys who were out there were like bro we don't care like come on we'll be fine it's like you shouldn you shouldn't. Yeah, I mean, if I had COVID, my friends are like, come on, dude, we've been playing this party for a while. But again, you can't compare that. The World Series is way different than like, I'm just doing something with my buddies.

Right, but it's just something my stupid buddies are telling me to do. And I'm like, no, you're being a fucking idiot, man. I don't want to get you sick. It's undoubtedly stupid. I just think that there are more people who would do it than I think would will admit it. I can with 100 percent certainty. I don't think you can. I can.

I don't think you can until you're there. I'm saying it. Well, you don't know. You have no idea what you would do in that moment. If I had COVID-19, I would not go fucking kiss people. If you had. I mean, I kind of did this where it was like I'm around my family all day and they were just like, well's too late like if your wife was just like bro you kissed me an hour ago you can kiss me again well you know the wife is a different one but like i just i just wouldn't put anyone at risk

for even another hour yeah i mean that's obviously the right thing i don't think it makes sense i think that they're also just like i i know it's the world series all stuff i'd be like dude i'll fucking i fucking beat this or whatever, and then I'll fucking party. I'm still going to party the entire fucking offseason. Yeah, I don't think it's about partying, though. I think it's about experiencing. Celebrating. Yeah, because, again, you can go to the club fucking six months from now

or six months ago and have that same experience. It's being the World Series champion on the field that I think is what those guys crave. And, you know, if anybody's going to get sick, they probably weren't going to get sick. You keep saying that, but there are so many new people on the field. I don't know. I have not seen any pictures of him or anything where he was talking to Fox executives or any other family member.

I don't think he was any closer to those people than he was. Those people are going to get sick from him talking to teammates and the teammates talking to them. Yeah. But that could have happened. That happened all day long. All day long. We're just doing the fucking rifle, the fucking shooting range thing where it's like, oh, I might have shot that bullet.

He might have shot that bullet. Like, you were definitely the originator of the bullet. So when it happened, you can't predict. If the bullets are already flying. If someone died, that won't excuse that. If you have a fucking a little bit of a conscience, if someone died, you wouldn't be able to be like, I bet I gave it to him earlier. No, but I just don't. Yeah, that's also where it's like, I don't think people are going to die. So he made that decision.

I'm not risking it. I'd rather not kill somebody. You go out all the time. You know what I mean? Yeah, but I'm healthy. If I had COVID, I wouldn't. Yeah, but I'm saying that there's like levels to the precautions everybody takes that I think, you know, if you really. I think there are plenty of justifiable levels of precautions where it's like, I don't really go that hard in the paint until you are confirmed COVID.

Yeah. In which case, I don't think any precaution other than quarantine is allowed. If I was just just in turn, I would be like, this is this is talk to Rob Manfred. Like, I don't know what's talk to the testing people. I don't know what's, talk to the testing people. I don't know what's going on. Even Dave Roberts didn't know what was going on. You know? I feel like Dave Roberts is probably like,

you gotta be fucking kidding me, man. You think? Because I feel like he was sitting right next to him. I mean, like, I know like, was it Rob Martinez, who's the coach of the Nationals, who was like, yeah, I have heart problems. I'm risking my life. Dave Roberts is like, yeah, I'm immunocompromised.

But then he was on the field with him. He was the one sitting right next to him, which is the other problem, too. It's like, can you not go right next to the guy with cancer? So I guess he just really didn't know or didn't care. I would guess he knows. He pulled him, right? He has to know.

So maybe he doesn't care. I don't know. I think also that part of it is though although if everybody is like we don't care you got to really probably like stick to your conscience like on a level that's like i feel like everyone's grandparents are like that everyone's grandparents like i just want to see my baby well no i'll fucking kill you you idiot but if i was around my grandparents all day and then they were like just come to dinner and i'd be like oh it's probably too late i i still wouldn't i'd still be like i do i have covid like no drink your vodka because the vodka as as uh every smart person knows alcohol kills all germs and so new amsterdam

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How many things can you say you have achieved let's how about that conversation how many how many achievements do you think we have graduated high school and that's pretty like basic you know yeah no like that's about a hundred percent that's yeah that that that should be that should that should not be regarded as a close to something as close to something as 100% that there is in this country. Achieved. Oh, boy, this is a depressing, depressing thing. I mean, I don't... The podcast is successful.

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You can use it for the foreplay transfusions. You can drink it straight. Whatever it is, New Amsterdam vodka is the answer. Last night, all-time moment on Jeopardy. I'm upset I missed it. I was completely off the grid last night. I went to bed at like 8 o'clock. Jeopardy had a question where the answer involved the name Alexis Texas, which I saw somebody, the top reply on Twitter was like,

a Venn diagram intersecting of the things I'm a loyal viewer of both, like the intersection here. So the question, can we play it, Nick? Yeah. both like the intersection here uh so the question what can we can we play it nick on the yeah so uh here here's the jeopardy clue last night that had every male like 18 to 55 going what let's do pop culture 800 this disney channel series was originally going to be called alexis texas krista west ham montana good the the would you say the majority or minority of people got like understood what was going on there minority yeah you think minority yeah but like that woman answered that question

just thinking like what's a state that rhymes together disney show okay and then the two guys on the panel were probably frozen like big wet butt yeah i mean alexis texas ass is the size of texas oh my god huge it's huge alexis texas's ass has a gravitational pull that pulls other smaller asses into it it's huge alexis texas's ass has electoral votes in the electoral college. It is enormous, bro. If you know Alexis Texas. I remember being like a 14. I forget exactly when she came in the game. She's a bit of a vet.

She's probably crossed over into the MILF porn. Oh, oh. Grandma. She was like a MILF right away because she's thick. When you get into the porn game, you're one of two things. You're a teen if you're skinny. Or you into the porn game, you're one of two things. You're a teen with some fuck if you're skinny. Or you're straight to milf. Or you're a milf if you're a little bigger.

And she was 100% right to milf. Huge ass. And I hadn't seen her in a while. I hadn't. This clip hadn't even finished playing before I was up on my way to the bathroom. I love, I'm usually, I'm a little bit over the Pornhub statistics when they're like, here's what people jerked off to during like 9-11 or whatever. But things like this are certainly real.

Where a name spikes and it's like, yep. Much like Justin Turner caused the fucking coronavirus. Another question. What's the bigger spike? Coronavirus because of Justin Turner or the searches of Alexis Texas on Pornhub? Alexis by a wide, a margin as wide as her ass. Only for the, you know, that's the ultimate if you know, you know. There's a bunch of Jeopardy nerds, a bunch of Disney kids, a bunch of

women who are all just like, oh, Alexis Texas, Hannah Montana. And then there are the guys who are like, I need to go furiously masturbate to this fat ass white girl. I was like, what is paul alex i mean but it makes sense you know like and by the way you know if you are a porn star coming up in the game you should be called hannah montana that's a great porn star name it is a good one and like it i feel like disney has pretty hard copyrights on that probably but you know what even better get a fucking cease and desist. Get your name out there. If there was a headline, Pornstar gets cease and desist from Disney for the name, we would blog it. You get your OnlyFans out there.

I might just do this right now. My name's Hannah Montana. But, you know, the crossover and the overlap and the similarities between Disney names and Pornstar names, more than you would think. It's actually quite easy. More than you would think. So we went through and looked at a few names of porn star names that could be Disney star characters.

So, I mean, I will begin here. Let's kick her off. Okay. I'm going to go with one of our, probably the number one porn star that we roll with, Abella Danger. What's your job? I have no clue. By day, she is, I just thought Abella is Italian.

So by day, she works in her family's pizza place. Okay. And by night, she fights crime. Okay. I specified her crime. I didn't have the she fights crime. Okay. I specified her crime. I didn't have the pizza place. Okay. What kind of crime?

I specified she protects vulnerable women in clubs in bars. She stops people from getting roofied and stuff like that. Disney's getting dark. Wait, wait. So wait, the rest of your list. See, I am, I thought of it as a Disney show. Mine's a little bit of both. Okay, because I was like, you know, the Disney shows are not going to have girls getting

room for you in clubs. Well, it just teaches women the dangers of being outside. Because they all teach a lesson. It's like, hey, just so you know, it's not very vulnerable in graphic scenes. But there's a little sprinkle in the cup. You get the point. And she comes over and puts her hand on top. Yeah.

Ladies, only drink. Always watch him open the bottle like watch him uh and i also just want to like piggyback there real quick um she fights crime on like a day-to-day basis but the ultimate villain that she's like trying to thwart is bonnie rotten bonten, who's just the evil, the most evil slut in the world, who's out there actually, she's roofying the girls telling the guys, go, go, take them, take them, take them. So it's a Bella Danger versus Bonnie Rotten. Yeah, Bonnie Rotten

is the fucking Angelina Jolie and Maleficent just naked. Like, if you stripped off the Maleficent vest, that girl's got spider webs on her titties, no doubt. No fucking doubt. Bonnie Rotten, bro. Bonnie Rotten makes, like, Adriana Chechik go, like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

She goes hard in the paint. What do you got? All right. Mine is, well, we got a bunch, but I got one here. Taylor Rain. She inspires girls to be a meteorologist in a male-dominated field. If I can piggyback on that real quick, maybe let's say her number one competition or her partner is Stormy Daniels. Stormy Daniels, yeah.

Yeah, Stormy Daniels, and I think you could even say that, you know, yeah, the competing station is Jenna Hayes. Jenna Hayes, Stormy, and Rain. I had Jenna Hayes slightly different. Okay. Jenna Hayes spells her name differently in this one. It's H-A-Y-E-S. She is a historian who specifies with our 19th president and famous abolitionist, Rutherford B. Hayes. There's a pitch for you.

Give me your elevator pitch. Well, she's a girl. She's obsessed with Rutherford. She goes back in time and hangs out with Rutherford B. Hayes in Ohio and learns about the dangers of slavery. Oh, my God. And then she comes back to the future and fucks a bunch of black guys. Would work. Would sell.

Would definitely be a porn that people watch would be when you search interracial it's the top fucking hit man brother for b hayes fucking jenna hayes wow wow you went there with that one the name change and everything holy shit uh what else we got? Go ahead. Go. Jinx Maze. Oh, I got her too. What did yours say? She is in a door explorer type outfit stuck in a labyrinth. I like that. I took Jinx and Maze to be...

She is a child lawyer who uses puzzles and riddles to solve her crimes and to fight her court cases. So when she gives her closing statements, it's always like a riddle or some play on words and they're like not guilty and they're like, Jinx Maze did it again.

It sounds like fucking what's her fucking name? Julia Louis-Dreyfus and arrested uh uh justice is blind is the episode i don't know her name yes but exactly that yes that's that's her jinx jinx maze who yeah she even has some sort of uh disability that makes her rely on her mind and her riddles and uh she she gets the she gets the you know what she does? She uses riddles to get the, what's it called? Not the victim, but like the person. Defendant? Yeah, the defendant to like confess.

You know what I mean? She talks to you in a circle and you're like, you confessed! Okay, Karma RX. Whoa, I saw that one. I didn't even know. Do you know who that is? Oh, yeah. I don't know that one.

Yeah, I know who she is. Okay, because obviously that opens. I didn't even know. Do you know who that is? Oh, yeah. I don't know that one. Yeah, I know who she is. Okay, because obviously that opens up a whole door of doctors and pharmaceuticals. Well, she is a pharmaceutical sales rep who teaches about the dangers of the opioid. Oh, yeah. I would say that she is actually, she's not even in pharmaceuticals. She is just person by person taking down like the Purdue executives. She pops from mansion to mansion. Purdue is a pharmacy?

I thought so. It's definitely a chicken. It definitely is a chicken, too. I don't know if it's a different Purdue or the same thing, but Purdue Pharmaceuticals has something to do with Oxy. It sounds like it's right.

But yeah, she's fighting the opioid epidemic one step at a time. You know, you can't be... Don't make bad decisions. And then she goes into a cabinet where she sees her parents' medicines. Don't do that. Make smart decisions.

And then she's like, look at all my tattoos. Don't take pills. Get a tattoo instead. Also, when she takes down the executives, she very ironically, like, she ties you down and she pumps you full of pills to overdose. Oh, wow. They're all dead on oxygen. Disney is getting done. Yeah, baby. This one's pretty basic, but what did I write down here?

Rachel Starr. Just Starr. I mean, a girl who on her 10th birthday wishes to become a pop star and then she wakes up one day and she just is a pop star okay so she's it's like almost like that movie um yesterday where the beatles don't exist anymore she blows out the candle and she's like she's rachel smith and she's like i just wish i was a star she wakes up the next day and everyone's like rachel stars on stage. And she also can suck dick. Okay, speaking with Starrs,

I have Luna Starr, who is a big fan of crystals and astrology. The moon. And things like that. She's a moon girl? Yeah, yeah. She's all about healing crystals and teaching kids about Mercury in retrograde. She's basically Gracie Tracy.

Gracie Tracy. Yeah. Gracie Tracy fighting crime with the moon. She uses the tides to like, okay, now, strike now, because it's high tide over here. I like how everyone fights crime. Did Hanuman fight crime? Everything I've gone to is fighting crime or the legal system or whatever. Yeah, Hanuman is

decidedly not a crime fighter. What happened was I started with the Bell of Danger, and that just became Darkwing Duck in my mind, and everyone after that not a crime fighter What happened was I started with the Bella Danger And that just became Darkwing Duck in my mind And everyone after that became a crime fighter What else do I have Oh Melissa Midwest She's like not really a porn star Remember her though

That's a perfect one for what started this With Alexis Texas Hannah Montana She just runs a farm in town She's like a child farmer Like the Doogie Howser of farms. Riley Reid is just reading Rainbow. I was going to say, there's a word change for you. She actually reads books.

It's her and fucking, what's his name? Who's the reading Rainbow guy? LeVar Burton. LeVar Burton, yeah. And then they, she's- Take a look. It's in my ass. She's her pulling her ass apart.

And you go into it. Like a rainbow goes in. And you go in. Yes. And there's just a book that opens up. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, it comes...

It starts closed. And then it... And then it peels down. Like a book. Like her ass is like a book that opens. Oh, it's like that. There's like pages... And then it's her asshole at the a book that opens. It opens like that. There's like pages. And then it's her asshole at the end.

And you go inside it. Everything's in that Chinese font too. I think I'm... I have Remy LaCroix who... Uses a seltzer? She fights crime with seltzer. She teaches kids all the dangers of sugary drinks. Okay. I like that. It's better to have water than LaCroix. I have Madison Ivey. She teaches kids all the dangers of sugary drinks. Okay.

I like that, yeah. It's better to have water than LaCroix. I have Madison Ivy. She is a city girl from Manhattan. She lives on Madison Avenue, but she uses, like, the nature around her,

like Poison Ivy from Batman. To fight crime. To fight crime. To fight crime. It's like Jumanji. She gets, like, vines and shit to, like, grab the bad guys and fight crime. It's a fight crime. It's like Jumanji. She gets vines and shit to grab the bad guys and fights crime. Everybody's fighting crime.

That is unbelievable. What a segment. Disney stars as porn stars. I mean, porn stars as Disney stars. We could do, you know, have fun at home, kids. Submit your own because there are more porn stars. There are definitely more porn stars than murderers, I've decided, because you can rattle off a thousand more of these.

So tweet at us at KSU Radio. I have a couple here. Oh, yeah, let's go. Nick's pick. My best one. A man trying to get away from his checkered past decides to become a priest. Johnny Sins. I didn't even think of the guys. I didn't even think of the guys.

I didn't even think of the guys either. I had Jordi El Pollo Nino. I figured out what he would do. Has a chicken farm? No, no, no. El Pollo Nino, he is like Captain Planet. He uses the winds and the waters, say it with me now,

to fight crime. He can control hurricanes and whatnot to stop the evil. Oh man. There's a ton of, I mean, James Dean, uh, after the death of her mountain climber father,

uh, Annabelle vows to be the youngest woman to climb Mount Everest. Annabelle peaks. His taglines are great. Annabelle peaks. Also what a throwback throwback, man. His taglines are great. Wow. Annabelle Peaks also, what up? Throwback, throwback. Man, that makes you want to do more and more.

I know. Tweet at us. Let us know your best one. Tweet at us with the names, with the hashtag Disney porn. So that way we can find them all. Click it and we'll find the best. I bet you that are... You know what? Do a little search for that hashtag.

I bet you there's already some weird shit out there. All sorts of cartoon porn that already exists. But, yeah, that's... And Disney, get at us for some of these ideas. Or Pornhub. Very popular hashtag. Yeah, I can imagine. Very popular?

Yeah. Disney, do Disney porn names, and that way we can find them all. But let us know. You know, best best Disney porn star name gets a sad boy season hoodie. Let's get into our top fives. No, no. Let's get into our am I the asshole?

It's a little am I the asshole Thursday? The world is full of assholes. And I am going to I'm going to give you an update on. Did you text me that one or no? So if you remember a couple months ago at this point, there was one about a guy. He was partying with his friends. A girl drank too much, passed out, and shit herself. And the guy cleaned her up.

He's a male nurse, and he got, like, baby wipes out. And, like, in his words, he very carefully, I think he did say, he's like, I did wipe in between her butt cheeks, which is weird. But he was like, he goes, I quickly ran a wipe through her butt crack.'m a nurse so i have a super strong gag reflex it's okay um and then he saw on his wife's phone um text messages in the group chat saying i can't believe that he did that. That's assault. You basically groped her. And he's like, shit, like, did I, you know, did I do, like, the wrong thing here? And then, so that was... That was a good while ago.

July, July 12th. So now fast forward to October. Sad update. I apologize for the long delay. I meant to update sooner. I couldn't find the energy. So, you know, October. Sad update. I apologize for the long delay. I meant to update sooner. I couldn't find the energy. So, you know, whatever. I spoke with a friend.

I spoke with the friend that I cleaned up a few weeks afterwards privately. Good news on that front. She was actually horribly embarrassed, and it wasn't upset with me at all. She was grateful that I cleaned her up and apologized for the couch, which needed to be replaced anyway, so no big deal. It's like, this motherfucker's still talking about the couch. Who cares? We started talking afterwards and a bit more openly, and that's where everything

fell apart. I mentioned that I saw comments on my wife's phone about calling police and filing a report. As much as it hurts me to say this, due to the speed that I read the messages at, I misunderstood. It was my wife that suggested that, not one of the other girls, as I had thought.

The friend showed me the conversation on her phone and let me read through it. Honestly, devastating. I could feel my heart drop into my stomach and I just felt cold. Turns out my wife wanted to leave me for a while now, and she tried to capitalize on this as the reason. We've tried online webcam counseling the last two months, but I can't shake the feeling of being betrayed. It's officially over. We unofficially split two weeks ago, but I can't shake the feeling of being betrayed. It's officially over. We unofficially split two weeks ago, but I haven't announced our separation. I'm speaking to a lawyer now for what I need to do for divorce. I walked away with enough money.

This guy is like the best, dude. I walked away with enough money to find a small place, my vehicles, my clothes, and my phone. I can't bring myself to take anything out, so I gave her the house, 95% of our bank account, and she kept our SUV. I'm still in love with her. I just wanted her to be safe and comfortable at home without having anything to worry about. I make good money, so I'll be fine eventually. Our friends know something's going on, but they're not 100%. Suspicions

are there. I take some solace knowing that she was planning on leaving me regardless. My actions didn't really have any impact. I mean, this little rude person. Are you kidding me? You mean the wife, right? The wife, of course I mean the wife.

You said this fucking bitch. And then, by the way, he goes on to be like, I'm optimistic about the future, but I don't want to date. Jesus, how do you even meet girls? Like he goes on. The too long don't read is wiped poop off my friend. Now I'm single and not ready to mingle. So this dude is just like, fuck all of this. What a fucking cunt.

I guess that the fucking, like, okay. So there's a couple of things here. One, it is not nice to use something that, again, I would certainly not consider a assault. I wouldn't be fucking wiping a girl's ass, but I think it's a nice thing to do if you're a nurse. I think if you're not a nurse, it gets weird. But that's a huge part of it. It's a monstrous part. Your field, that's not a big deal to him.

It's weird for the rest of us, but not for everybody else. But you can't involve the police. You can't try and get the guy to go to prison, because, Just dump him, Jesus Christ. But I would probably use it. I wouldn't use it,

I'd use it in the breakup. I wouldn't use it in the legal system. So you would go, and him would be like, I think that was so fucking weird. We're done. And I'm like,

I just can't get over it. I think it's so creepy. And like, all of my friends would be there being like, Really? It's kind of nice of them. Yeah,

it just helps a friend out. I didn't have to wake up with a rash it's so much easier my pants i was so drunk at your house it's and ruined your couch like how how are you gonna have a girl shit on your couch ruin your couch get you divorced and you're still like am i the asshole i never think about that that poopy pants girl like ruined his life. Like it was going to happen anyway. But this was like, you know, like, okay, maybe, maybe not though. Cause he says he feels betrayed by the whole, like you were trying to send me to jail thing. Fair.

And, but if that girl doesn't shit her pants, that never happens. Who knows? Maybe they get into counseling. Maybe they figure out their problems and they don't have the poop pants incident to like throw the final nail on the coffin. That girl girl got drunk shit her pants and ruined a marriage i'll tell you who the asshole is that girl's fucking asshole yeah that actual asshole yeah the i i i get like having one thing happen where you're like i kind of wanted to do this anyway this is at least in a gray area enough i can lean into it what the fuck is wrong with you

like i didn't think i was dating a person who would touch the white butthole while they were asleep yeah yeah you can spin that you know you can lean into that for sure if you want but but that's what i would do i would not like be like also how fucking dumb is he like how you how you fuck up what text your wife sent and what text she got it's blue bubble versus gray bubble bro can i be honest i don't always i always have to like double i'm always like which one's the blue which one's the not and also with with the right left right me left everyone else when you're texting yeah when you're reading someone else's yeah that's what i mean that's where i would get fucked up that's where sometimes i'm like oh wait it's someone else's so she's you know what i mean it just i mean i can figure it out but it would give me pause i i

guess you're just kind of like i don't know you're you know looking over if he like grabbed his phone her phone and looked at it but you know if you're like leaning over and you just kind of catch a glimpse and you see i don't know i can see it being like and also you're probably never thinking that like it's my wife trying to set me up yeah so like everything's working against it god that feeling when he says like my heart sank like i can i can when she's like i can feel my heart my throat for him where he has her phone and he's just like reading just like yeah send him to jail like oh my god he's like well this is this is really what what a blind side hit that is because he's like this is going way better than i thought it would seem like she's the one embarrassed she's

right for me like i'm sitting pretty and she's the one embarrassed. She's thankful for me. Like, I'm sitting pretty. And she's like, anyway, wife's leaving you. Actually, it was your wife. Like, aw, son of a bitch. I will say this dude's a little bit of an asshole for, like, how can you not? When people are this blindsided, I'm like, come on. You didn't know, like, something was, like, if you don't know that someone dislikes you enough that they want to send you to jail, you are missing all sorts of signals.

You are missing big time signals. And I'll miss all the good signals. I pick up on the bad ones. Well, typically. There was one time where I was completely blindsided. Choked yourself to death with a beer. But there are other times where I'm just like, I think she's in a bad mood right now.

I can just tell that. I think she's pissed at me. I don't know what I did, but I can sense there's something. I don don't know what it is i'll never be able to nail what it is that i did but i'll be like you can just tell there's a cold air you know they talk about women's intuition when that's a real motherfucking thing i really believe in that i hate to give them credit because it's you know it's giving them it's acknowledging that they are just like smart and savvy in ways that men cannot be but they that is the real deal sometimes. But there's a male intuition that's just like, I'm in trouble.

It's exclusively the doghouse intuition. But you walk in a room and it's like maybe there are some physical, maybe like their face is down or something. But you can just tell right away like there is a chill in the air. There's a legitimate chill in the air. It gets cold. It's almost like they're always wearing a cape Like it's just kind of blowing behind them Yeah, like the wind is blowing If we could have one of those cameras

Remember like that paranormal like Room Raider show Where it was like they ghost hunting, whatever And they thought they had like a camera That could show like ghosts, remember that? Yeah, yeah But if you had like a camera that could show Your girlfriend being mad Like there would just be like something in between you have like a camera that could show your girlfriend being mad, like there would just be like something in between you two.

Like a big blue blob, like an icy blob in between you two that's just like, this bitch is mad at me. I'll never pick up on a good sign. Like you said, it's exclusively – like a girl could be playing with her hair and touching my leg and playing with her earrings. Right over your head. I'm like, God, this chick won't fucking stop touching me but it never just like but she's a handsy one huh

it'll literally be like hey she might find you attractive that'll never fucking register but you can open a door and i can tell by the sound how the door opens i'm like oh i'm fucked she is not happy right now there was there was a night I was in the doghouse when I was married where I the way she walked down the steps she was coming down into the room and I was like I'm fucked I don't know what happened but it was an extra stomp or a little bit faster than usual I was like this bitch is marching down the stairs I am in in trouble. I am dead, dude. And then they also lay it on thick. If you're not picking up on those first ones,

they'll come by and they'll just rearrange everything. And then they go in the kitchen, they slam the cabinets, slam the fridge. I'm like, oh no, I'm dead. I am so fucked. Would you like to use your words or should we just... Are we going to keep up with the childish act? Is that what we're going to do here? You keep doing that.

I'll keep sitting here pretending I don't know what's happening. Exactly. We can both play this game. The best. You should be like, hey, can you stop slamming the cabinets arbitrarily? I'm trying to watch television. See how that one goes over. But yeah, that's got to be one of the sadder am I the assholes of all time.

I mean, that guy, you know, clean some butt cheeks and like your wife's over like one ass man okay uh we got one here from brian sullivan who uh he's on our facebook group we're we're kind of doing things on facebook again who knew facebook is back uh we got a kfc radio facebook group where people are discussing things we're posting videos so if you are on facebook and you want to get involved with KFC Radio, you can find us there. Brian sent this in. Am I the asshole for, quote, unquote,

testifying against a dad of my son's own team, costing them a chance at playing in the playoffs? I'm the coach of my son's. I'm going to guess you're not the asshole, but let's hear this one out. I'm the coach of my son's local football team. I'm the kids with baseball bats, but I was a heck of a coach. Knew exactly when to pull the guy.

It's not. No, it's not that bad, but he's the coach of the son's local football team. It's Australian football, so they are under 13. So these guys are 12 years old, and this means I run into some assholes. Yet occasionally I've made decisions that lead me to question whether I am in the wrong myself. I like this. It sounds like some self-reflection here. He's already

questioning himself. There's a dad on our team who's very passionate and fiery. His foul mouth has led us to often reprimand him for his behavior. So it was a big game against our fierce rivals. They defeated us in the grand final last year. And this dad notices his son is getting minimally roughed up by a rival player. It was a big game against our fierce rivals. They defeated us in the grand final last year. And this dad notices his son is getting minimally roughed up by a rival player. It was a very minor push and shove.

You see it every week. He then yells out, screaming aggressively from quite a close range to the kids. Oi, number 55, you faggot. Don't push him like that. That's a coward's move. It was appalling abuse that clearly that clearly scared and upset the 12 year old he yelled that thankfully no official heard this yet the opposing team did and reported this to the league the league then followed up on this and that's where it gets

complex if you have somebody linked to your club suspended you get docked fair play points which basically means you get deducted a win we had only just qualified for the finals by the scrape of our teeth. So the league could never purely do this on evidence of an opposing team. However, I had heard it. He said what they alleged and I couldn't accept yelling faggot at a 12 year old was acceptable behavior. So I testified,

um, so they get deducted the points. They missed the playoffs at first. This seems like, uh, this seemed like an obvious moral choice. He needed to face a penalty for his disgusting behavior. But now I'm second guessing.

I know the kids that I coach are devastated that we missed out on the playoffs this year. That's probably my fault. My wife and some of the other dads have backed up my stance. But I know others on the team feel differently. So am I the asshole i fucking love how britain and australia have the rules that you can get in trouble for saying words yeah love it yeah fuck a free speech i don't know i i i think like the like with their fucking they have the cyber security stuff where if you fucking if you're a dickhead online even anonymously you fucking go to jail i think that should 100

be across really yeah if you're if you're like using jail. I think that should 100% be across the board. Yeah. If you're using hate speech, yeah, you should. You're a fucking asshole. Yeah, I agree to an extent, but I do think there's a line, I feel like. I mean, there's definitely a line. Probably it's fucking a lot closer than yelling at a 12-year-old. Yeah, well, this is where, I mean, kids is different.

I don't think any of that should really apply for professional professional sports well we're not talking about professional sports but are you talking about professional no oh i thought i don't know there wasn't there's somebody didn't landon donovan just like take his team off the field and they uh somebody there was somebody i think i said the mls they i think somebody's gay i think somebody must call him a faggot and they like just walked out the field and were like we're not playing I think I get standing behind your guys too I don't think you guys should go to jail but I totally understand but if that was me I wouldn't want that

I wouldn't want my team walking out the field because some guys said that to me they also had incidents already that was like a straw that broke the camel's back rather than like this is the first time it's ever happened I don't know if it was on me if it was a one-time thing i would be like don't well let's like go beat them let's fucking like that'll be the best revenge you know what i mean like walking off the field to me is like i don't know in the mls if you're like

trying to make like serious change like yeah you're not gonna make waves so that's the point is that like landon is trying to like change the league for the better and i understand that i'm saying from if if i was the victim of it, I'd be like, I'd rather like beat him on the field or like, let's not quit or whatever. But I get that the bigger picture here to fix things. Anyway,

this with the kids, I mean, when you're trying to like mold fucking kids, like sports is, I think, uh, I think you should speak up. I think it's okay to speak up.

Yeah. You're not the fucking asshole because 12 yearyear-olds didn't win the league championship. Yeah, the dads who are mad at you are, like, probably the same dads who would say, you know what I mean? Like, they're the guys who are, like, next time, they'll be the ones yelling. If you take it that seriously where you can't under,

like, yes, it's unfortunate, but I think if you're a regular dad and you're like, why did we miss the playoffs? I thought we qualified. And I was like, I had to testify because this other dad was yelling, you was yelling sexual slurs at the kids. I'd be like, oh, that sucks. But yeah, OK.

Yeah. You know, whatever. If you actually have a problem with that, you're probably buddies with the guy who was screaming that. You know? There's, I mean, on no fucking planet is a 12-year-old come over like someone assault. A 12-year-old city championship, I imagine this is. These guys aren't the world beaters right as far as i know and i don't i don't know much about australian football but i imagine this team isn't i mean even said they made the playoffs by the skin of their teeth so even within their realm right you're probably gonna lose like the first

round man i don't know yeah you didn't make the play you played one last game yeah fucking i mean it's 12 are we seriously talking about 12 year olds just translate this to Little League remember what you looked like in Little League if you don't make the playoffs tough fucking shit I'm probably upset for a second any dad who's upset is a fucking loser I listen to a coach like chew

these kids out last week at Little League and I was like I don't know I used to kind of be like kind of probably like a hard-o about like yeah like that's like you know sports like you have a coach yell at you and that like builds character and like that's part of even though i never i never had a coach like that but like i don't know the bob knights of the world i used to probably be like yeah like that's you know what it's about like that's how it goes and granted these were like small these

are young kids i'm like screaming at these kids and i was just like oh like i would like probably like like have my son quit the team if that was going on yeah which maybe that's like soft and like new like fucking uh snowflake ship but i was like this is ridiculous these are like little little league like young little league he was like screaming at bro fucking relax and i was a coach at least if it was like, bro, fucking relax. And I was a coach at least. If it was a dad like on the sideline, I mean, get the fuck out of here. I never really had a coach

like that either. I had dads like that. I had dads like that yelling on the sidelines, but I never had a coach. Mortifying. I had a coach who'd be like, shut the fuck up, you weirdo. If you are screaming at 12-year-old boys, fucking loser. Kill yourself, man.

To even just be like excitable at all. Like cheer, sure. Like good things. But to be mad at all, crazy. To be yelling slurs, fucking nuts. Right? Yes. I don't know what goes on in Australia.

Maybe that's one of those words that flies around. Obviously not, I guess, if they're having court cases about it but i mean jesus fucking christ so no i mean you know i i guess maybe you could i'm gonna see if you can make the argument that like let them make the playoffs and like handle it another way but like no i don't know it's just like the way that those are the breaks you don't get to make the playoffs because you're doing the law you're doing a bigger you know it's a bigger thing. Yeah. If you're like definitively, I get like the free speech argument, but if you're definitively trying to hurt people emotionally, like if you're definitively trying to hurt people mentally, physically, like that's a crime.

If you're definitively trying to hurt people emotionally and mentally, that like why are we treating, and don't get me wrong, we do treat mental and physical ailments differently, be it with ourselves or with anyone in the world. But you're trying to break someone mentally by using words that seriously affect them. You're a fucking asshole. The only thing I would worry about in this situation

as the coach is blowback on the kid who, like I said, if I was the player getting called a name, I wouldn't want the team to quit. That kid is probably going to get bullied and shit because he's the kid who his dad and blah blah blah. You know what I mean? I don't know. He'll either have some

assholes on the team who are like the sons of those dads being like, yeah, we didn't make the team because fucking Billy's a faggot or you're going to have other kids in the league like talking shit that would be i don't know if that would happen necessarily but that would run through my mind of like sometimes if you make if i make this a big deal it's gonna be a big deal you know that would worry me yeah i don't know he said that kid was like scared and like appalled then you got to back him up if the kid was okay i think there's something to be said for like let's not make a mountain out of a molehill here but if

someone's upset or hurt or whatever then you know you gotta have their back i think kids are smarter i think oh yeah i think kids are dumber i i think like nowadays are smarter i think like kids understand like there are fucking words that you get especially if you're in a country where you get criminally prosecuted for it. Like here, maybe someone might just like, fat parents might actually get mad, but like you're on, it's like,

it's a law on the books. Yeah. Like if you'd come out and fucking punch the kids in America, we'd be like, well, you can't punch somebody. Yeah. Right.

Right. Can't call them out either. All right. One more. Am I the asshole here? Um, I'm going to give you dealer's choice here. Final Berg.

We can go with penis statue or mother-in-law shrooms. Penis statue. Am I the asshole for refusing to take down my giant penis statue? I'm 27. I've been living with my girlfriend

25 since the whole Corona thing started. God, how many people probably were forced to do that who were not ready for that and now wholly regret it? A lot. So many. Because of Corona, I lost my current job, so I had to move to hers

and took several important belongings of mine, one of which was a giant four-foot penis statue I got as a birthday gift several years ago. I've kept it with me ever since because I find it pretty humorous. It's hollow inside, so it's relatively light and easy to carry around. My girlfriend was entirely on board with having a giant penis statue in her house. She has seen it before and laughed at it, so she was delighted

when I asked if I could keep it with me in her house. It sits next to the TV in the living room and it's hard to miss. Easy to spot when you first come in the door. Around this time, my mom was also put in a rough spot because of the pandemic and asked me and my girlfriend if she could stay temporarily my girlfriend was fine with it and allowed her to stay until things got better however the moment my mom walked in the door and saw the statue she let out a gasp and nearly dropped her things she blew up on me and my girlfriend asked me why we had such crude and inappropriate furniture lying around and how disgusting and immature we were she demanded we take down the statue take it away get rid of it because of how gross it is however i don't think it's fair for her to dictate what me and my girlfriend do and what we should

have in our house when we took her in my mom has been pretty grumpy about the entire situation and constantly makes comments and tells us to dump it at every chance she gets my girlfriend tells me that it's my penis statue and in the end it's my decision whether or not to keep it i personally will not be getting rid of it anytime soon and my mom says it'll ward off guests if i don't am i the asshole undoubtedly the mother is too you come in you're making demands about how the house that you're fucking couch surfing on needs to be done hey bitch the fucking bench down the street at the bus station no dick that's there you might catch a regular dick in the face but there's no no four foot tall dick statue not a four foot one if-tall dick statue. Certainly not a four-foot one. Maybe get a six-inch one, but not a four-foot one.

But the, I mean, if you have something like this, you're 27, you're an asshole. Well, okay, he is not an asshole at all within the construct of this situation. Having the statue, you are an asshole. Yes, okay, yes. I'll tell you who's not an asshole and who's a real ride or die is the girlfriend. The girlfriend is like, yo, honey, that's your dick statue. You make decisions in this house. You tell us women what's about to happen, how it's about to go down.

She is a ride or die. It is. She's also an insane person. Who would want a four foot tall statue? You want to get an artsy one? Some like still. I don't know. Some like an African sculpture.

I believe that they have a lot of phallic-shaped objects there. I don't know. Anything in the Icelandic penis museum. Oh, now Icelandic. I know where the penis museum is. Do you know? I did not know that. I want to go back to Africa.

You know that there's a lot of African phallic. I feel like that's not a wrong thing. Maybe that's just based on stereotypes. It's not a wrong thing. And maybe that's just based on stereotypes. It's not a wrong thing. I'm just going to go with African penis statues. You're just thinking of African dicks, aren't you? You're just thinking of big black dicks. That's why.

You just automatically associate it with. I mean, I'm sure every culture has phallic statues, bro. I don't know, man. Fucking, no. I'm so right here, bro. Look at these things. I'm so right. Those are all so right here, bro. Dick statues. Look at these things. I'm so right. Those are all just like people, bro.

I nailed this. Well, there's a big one. There's a big one. But wait, what did you Google? I mean, you Googled penis statues. Right. You can plug in any fucking continent. Put in Asian penis statues.

I bet they come up, too. I thought you just Googled Asian African statues and then a bunch of dicks came up. Then you'd be right. I mean, South American, North American all of these is going to pop up I don't know why I just had wooden ones the ones I pictured were

the African ones I guess I've just seen African penis art before but these are what I pictured they're borderline racist. If they weren't done by Africans themselves, but they're like, they're,

they're a white guy is just carving black people with gigantic dicks. There's something wrong with that. They're decidedly over the top. It's just exactly what I, you know, a Greek obviously has their little penis statues. There's all kinds of things. Oh,

but the, I mean, yo, if I'm, if I'm David, you know, from the Bible, Michelangelo, can you throw me a bone? Do you have to make it the smallest dick of all time? I mean, every Greek and Roman statue is the tiniest of peckers. They're little pricks.

Like, come on. Give me a halfie. Give me a... Yeah, that's the worst. I know exactly that. That exact. They're little pricks. Like, come on. Give me a halfie. Give me a. Yeah, that's the worst. I know exactly that. That exact pen brand when you twisted it. But give me a halfie. Give me just like some dangle to my fucking thing. You know, I mean, it doesn't have to be this big, you know, but it's a little

button, you know, like the joke, like your dicks a little. You piss on your balls. Just started with David. Yeah, you can pee on your own balls Yeah absolutely look at that I mean come on Just otherwise you gotta wipe him like a vagina The moment you gotta wipe your own balls

With a toilet paper is a low moment Just gonna dab it Just gonna dab my testicles real quick Cause I was pissed all over them. It's like when you spill wine on your shirt. Just dab. Just dab. Goodness gracious.

So mom's the asshole. Mom's the asshole, but like so are you. But you're the asshole for different reasons. She's the asshole for how she's behaving in this situation. Girlfriend, ride or die. Yeah. Ride or die. All right.

We're going to get to voicemails in a minute. But first, we're going to talk about, what did he say? We're going to talk about Egyptian. All right, so here's the deal. Are we doing an ad read into this? No. Okay, so sometimes I just peruse Reddit. I don't know how to use Reddit.

I'm actually getting better at it a little bit. And obviously, we understand Am I the Asshole? There um watch people die inside is a subreddit i like um perfectly cut screams is always hilarious today i learned is a good you know uh yeah today i fucked up is a good one not the onions funny uh yep that's not a good one there are a lot of good ones a lot of good ones but you know the front is just, here's all the best ones. Here's your story. I usually just scroll that until my computer starts slowing down. And then I restart the whole thing because this is an old computer. Because my fucking computer, which I was supposed to, I'm doing a new computer like a year ago.

Pete came over to tell me that and then has never followed up on it. So I still have this old. And this was just a computer that was supposed to be taken while my other one got fixed. So this is just a refurbished computer from God knows where. So it fucking stinks. And I've had this for probably a year now. But I just scroll the front page of Reddit until... I don't... It's not a continuous thing, but I always have Reddit open.

And then I get to the bottom of somewhere and I just keep scrolling. Where'd you hit? What did we land on today? This one is, what's a not safe for work fact about history that we don't get to hear too often? Now this one is an interesting one here.

The top response is fairly interesting. It's the reply to that that I've really found wild. The top response is, all the documentaries you see about hieroglyphs in ancient Egypt neatly avoid showing you the fertility rites where the pharaoh's phallus is inseminating the land. So I guess he's just coming all over the desert. Just coming everywhere.

And then someone replies to it. There is a lot of semen in Egyptian mythology, and people for some reason just seem to ignore it. Horus and Set. Horus I believe I know. Horus is the horse-looking dude. Or did I just seem to ignore it. Horus and Set. Horus I believe I know. Horus is the horse looking dude. Or did I just sound like, whatever. I know what Horus looks like. Don't question me.

Okay. Horus and Set were at each other at all times. Parenthetical. Apparently, according to prophecy, Horus would dethrone slash kill Set to the point that they would try to prove their superiority by seeing who could get their semen inside each other set somehow got to have butt sex with horus but again somehow

horus dodged the shot at the very end so horus ended up simply jerking off into set salad and that's how we got him that is a wild story that's like the guy like a kroger's who was always just coming in the yogurt remember that you got arrested for like sexual assault just kept on coming he just kept coming in yogurt except if he also butt fucked you first no no no he got to but it didn't come horace is the one he dodged it right right but so set was the one banging him right and horace dodged it and then and then and then horace came and said horace was like i got you now fucker and came came in his caesar that is that's almost like that's probably why they added the anchovies to see the towel got a little salty i feel like that there's probably even an actual segment of uh like i could see johnny

knoxville and and steve-o having this battle and i'm pretty sure like you know in a in a jackass movie it's like i got you fucker you just ate my cum i mean egyptian when you first read that my first reaction was going to be like oh when when everybody first finds out that there was um like crazy gang bangs and everyone was gay in ancient Rome. And I was like, oh, but I'll let them finish. And it turned out it was just going to be gay stuff in Egypt. It was horrors in set, just banging each other.

How about this one? From the 13th to the 15th of February, the Romans celebrated Lupercalia, Roman precursor to Valentine's Day, which was a festival of love and fertility. Priests would sacrifice a goat and then cut the skin into pieces. Part of this they would wear on their heads, and the other parts were cut into thongs.

The men would run around the city of Rome naked, hitting as many women with the thongs as they possibly could. Being hit would help with pregnancy or becoming pregnant. So depending on what the women wanted, the women were either deliberately standing in the way of men getting beat with goat skin, or they were trying to run run away and the whole time everyone was naked that's a wild festival that's like i mean it's basically coachella but it's it is it is actually more burning man than coachella like the thought of being like a like a young girl in in in rome is

this egypt this is a rome rome being like I don't want to get knocked up. Like, no! Stay away from me with that goat head! No! Like chicks running away from the fucking flowers. Yeah, or the chicks who like knock people out of the way to catch them. Right, right. The same thing. Shit don't change, man. Well, it changed a little bit. But, I mean, it changed how we did it. So you're catching flowers right in the face

with goat skin. Same shit. But it's the same practice. It is actually weird too, where like, i wonder how much stock they put in these things like was it just kind of like a funny cultural or they they believe like we laugh at them like they thought that would get them pregnant yeah and like well see i'm gonna be like they thought fucking catching a flower would get them married but like we you know it's a fun uh thing for us nobody really takes that seriously so maybe that's the same way for them yeah but part of me thinks that like the more primitive you get the more they actually believe no those customs so it depends on where rome was at i do

i always try to sacrifice like those ones i imagine they actually believed in because yeah you're just killing a kid for fun we sacrifice this kid it's gonna rain tomorrow let's get this head off him real quick i always try to think of what is the thing that we all believe in right now that will be proven incorrect that like history makes fun of us for like like when everybody thought the world was flat and like one dude was like no one's not and that guy ended up being right and i i try to i and actually so i i was listening to the... That fucking cell phones don't give you cancer, probably.

But see, I think people are coming around. I think when that is proven true, people will be like, yeah. Yeah, I thought so. I kind of knew that. I had a feeling. But it was easy. I didn't have to talk to my grandmother anymore. I just texted her.

What if... We always make fun of it. We always laugh. What if global warming is not real? What if they prove that wrong one day? I would be surprised that would that would be the one i guess i was listening to crazy alex jones on rogan he's such an asshole but he you know according in his mind and who he's talked to he's like i have talked to scientists who tell me it is like 100 you know he said like 98 dependent upon the sun and whatever the sun does is like that's what's going to determine the planet, not like the humans with their cars.

It's like one volcanic eruption and one like solar flare will determine everything. And I'm like, I don't fucking know. Is Alex Jones an asshole? But I was like, what if one day we were wrong on that? I'm trying to think of what's something that we all brush off as like – I can't allow you to cite Alex Jones on here. No, I'm not citing him. I'm saying I'm trying to think of something that we – we all brush off as. I can't allow you to cite Alex Jones on here. No, I'm not citing him. I'm saying I'm trying to think of something.

I got to step up here a little bit. I'm not citing him. I was listening to Alex Jones. I can't believe people still. I can't believe Joe Rogan still gives him a platform. He even brings up Sandy Hook. He's like, Alex, you've been wrong on a bunch of things. Like Sandy Hook, you know.

But he's like, but you're right on a ton of other things. You've been right on things that have blown people's minds and changed the way everyone thinks. You can't just poo-poo Sandy Hook truthing. Well, I mean, Alex Jones has just definitively, in court, argued that everything he says is a lie and an act. So he's like, yeah, I'm just pandering to stupid people. Right. everything he says is a lie in an act so like he's like yeah i'm just like pandering to stupid people right so like i don't i wouldn't put he just takes what like legitimately but i also don't

think he like i think first of all that was a defense and second of all i think that's like i exaggerate things i do believe like i do believe he doesn't believe in global warming and that he's citing this and maybe trumping it up but i I think if you ask him behind closed doors, he does not believe. I don't know. Once you fucking like once you use it as a defense in court where you're like, yeah, no, I just. And going around, people lie in court all the time. So I think I think that's almost the opposite. I feel like if you use it in court, you're like, well, you're just saying that to, like, get off.

I mean, but it wasn't a criminal charge. So maybe it's even more so to see his children. Because they're like, you're an insane person. He's like, no, it's all an act. Yeah. But the, like, I don't know. That motherfucker does not believe in global warming. I don't know enough about Alex Jones. I've seen, like, the crazy clips.

I haven't listened to him. We're going to stop you listening to him. He is. His voice alone is ridiculous. Forget about what comes out of his mouth. Yeah. Just the, the way he delivers it. It's like, how does anybody listen to this at all?

I can't believe Joe Rogan still fucks with him after that. I can. I mean, to me, Sandy Hook truthing is absolutely my line. It might be my only line. It might be my only line. If you like, could like, and, and be the, the fucking, uh, the line if you like could like and and be the the fucking uh the guy you know like the face of that like in the face of those parents who had their children slaughtered for you to make that part of like your conspiracy theory act you're garbage and like i will never

like i would not have it on my show i wouldn't't talk. I wouldn't. That's it for me. Anybody who gets down with that, that's it. Anything, almost literally anything else I can like, I might not agree with you, but I'll like talk to you about it or argue it with you. Like, I won't tolerate any of that at all. That's fucking the worst of the worst. Yeah. I mean, and not only not like everyone's again doing Alex Jones thing here, but like, not

only did he like, just like say it one time, like he encouraged people to harass the family yeah that's what i mean like like causing deep pain to the people who already were going through a whole slew of children being murdered that's fucking insane that anybody tolerates that dude like on any level yeah that's like and then for like you know uh joe rogan or like you know if he does if he does like the the circuit of like de-platformed fucking shows like whatever you're you know what i mean but it's like joe to be like yeah i mean you know alex remember that time you were wrong on sandy hook but let's talk about like bohemian grove where you were right it's like or or not or we could just fucking skip this whole goddamn thing but when he was saying like i don't know if there's

any truth to the idea that like like, some scientists are just like. Like, I would have thought that every scientist in the world thinks that global warming is a thing. It's 99 to 1. So it is, like, you know, still cockamamie idea that, like. But it has always intrigued me that they're like, when they say, like, you know, one volcanic eruption does as much damage as blah, blah, blah. And it's always like, well, we should do, you know, our part, but also if it's all going to be erased anyway,

by like one natural occurrence, like what the fuck can you do anyway? I mean, you could try, you could try, but would you, would you really, I mean,

just think about it in your, in your regular life. It was, if it was like, you know, like don't, don't get drunk today, you know,

like don't, don't drink, but like, I don't know, at some point that six o'clock, like you're going to get drunk anyway, it's going to happen. So you was like, you know, like, don't get drunk today, you know? Like, don't drink. But, like, I don't know. At some point, at 6 o'clock, like, you're going to get drunk anyway. It's going to happen. So you're like, I'm going to have a beer now. Like, why inconvenience your whole life if, like, something naturally is going to occur that we're going to end up in the same spot anyway? I mean, what is inconvenience?

You don't get the drink. No, I'm talking about, like, us. Oh, I don't know. Like, yeah, if we really had to, Oh, I don't know. Like, yeah, if we really had to like, I don't know, stop driving cars. If we ever like... If some of these like the environmental people was like, you know,

the carbon footprint has to be, you know, zero. Like, well... If we had electrical cars, I'd be fine with that. Yeah. If they make it convenient. Right. But if they're going to inconvenience me...

I guess. We got to stop listening to Alex Jones. What are you like? Are you arguing for global warming now? I'm saying if there's any truth to the idea that like natural things are going to fuck the planet anyway, I'd rather not inconvenience ourselves. Well, yeah, like asteroids might kill us too and like stuff like that. So I guess if that's the argument, like we can just do anything whenever. Yeah, but I'm saying if there are things that are more likely than an asteroid which is

these guys tim dillon and then we're talking about like uh some like solar flares like whatever the sun basically decides to do and volcanic eruptions and things that i guess just occur more like cyclically like the asteroid i don't know what's happened like once but i just don't know if i want to get down with the whole fight against climate change. It's become clear. Do you? Listen to one podcast. We're like, fucking burn this place down.

No, I mean, it's not because of the one podcast. I'm saying, I mean, oh, I guess you're Mr. Environmentalist. I guess we're going to stop the carbon footprint here. I'll just do what I can. I'm not going to stop it. What do you do for the environment, John? How do you stop the environment? I throw shit in a recycling bin.

Oh, well, we're going to pat you on the back. I'm not asking for pat on the back. I'm just like, I don't know. I'm not going to be like, well, fuck it. Volcano's going to erupt one day. Yeah, all right. Johnny footprint. Johnny carbon.

Yeah, I'm not Captain America. I'm just like... You mean Captain America? You're like, I listen to Alex Jones, and I don't fucking care about global warming anymore. You mean Captain Planet. Not Captain America. Captain America, Captain Planet, whatever. You can't even talk about Alex Jones. What do you mean?

Like, I'm not listening to Alex Jones. I'm saying, like, there's a broader discussion, but it's not like I'm not listening to alex jones i'm saying like there's a broader discussion but it's not like i'm listening to alex jones you're talking like him you even sound like him right now no i'm not talking about alex jones you got a much deeper voice you became alex jones right there i'm saying if there's any truth to the idea that we can't stop what's happening i don't want to do all the climate change stuff. But we don't even know what all this stuff is. Yeah, I'm not saying I know.

I'm saying if there's any truth to that, I just don't want to do it. Okay. I don't think that's that crazy. I don't know. It's just where did the idea come from? Well, I was thinking about what's the one thing that we all agree is like a thing that we're going to disprove in the future. Right. And the only thing that is even like up for debate, even in some like infinitesimal way, because when people thought that the planet was flat, it sounded stupid.

Right. So you have to think of something that is, that sounds dumb. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. But you were like immediately like, I would just listen to Alex Jones. So that's, that sounds dumb. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. But you were like, immediately like, I would just listen to Alex Jones. So that's where it came from.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm saying like, what, so like, what is, you know,

it's, this is how it starts. It's like, you sound stupid, Kevin. You're, you're listening. I didn't say that.

Well, I'd be like, you're, yes, listening to Alex Jones is crazy, but that's what I mean. So like, what is something that we,

that sounds stupid that will be proven true i that i don't know i have i have no idea i think i said the cancer thing i know but it was like clearly stems from alex jones yes it was it was it was talked about it was that was you listened to that and that's what up with the question the point of the discussion people like alex jones people thought galileo sounded like Alex Jones. Well, Galileo was like a scientist at least. Sure. But that's the point is that one. Everyone was like this dude.

You believe him. You're a fucking idiot. And he was right. I hope Alex Jones is right. I hope global warming isn't a thing. I hope it's a volcano who kills us. VoiceBills brought to you by Calm for Business. You got to be your best self for work.

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for you they're offering a free month for your first year when you go to calm.com slash kfc there's a month free of unlimited access once again that's calm free calm.com slash kfc for unlimited access and a month free for you and all your employees So guys got a hypothetical for you. Let's say that we live in a world that you can only date somebody exactly like yourself. So same habits, hobbies, fears, whatever you may top to bottom, just like you. What do you think that the best and worst part of dating someone exactly like yourself would be? Well, thanks guys. This is a real look in the fucking mirror.

This isn't great. Let's start with the best, I guess. We can't. Not a lot there. We're not. I mean, even if there was something. Even if there was something. The best is that I'm good at doing nothing.

I can chill. I can be like, you want to watch a movie tonight? You can do that. I mean, that's if you're dating a dude, bro. What's that? Most chicks are not going to like that. Well, but she's dating me. This is a personality she already has.

Right? Like, she has my personality traits. She's a mirror image of me, so she would like chilling on the couch. Oh, oh, oh. Okay. So we're assuming we're already together what would i like about the relationship and what well no that's not really a question that is like i don't know i'm confused i i think it's just i think it was just like yeah if you if you were dating someone who was just a mirror image of you what would be the best part she brings the relationship what are the worst parts so basically what's the best part you bring to the relationship? What are the worst parts? So basically, what's the best part you bring to the relationship?

I was going to say, what do you like about yourself? What do you not like about yourself? What's the worst part? Yeah, it's not a very roundabout way to ask you what do you like about yourself. What do you like about you and what do you hate about you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think it's like the better question is more like,

what do people want to date you for? And what would they hate about you? Because I think that most girls, not most. Well, again, everything is always stereotypical. I think when you're like, I just want to sit on the couch for 12 hours. They're like, I want to go apple picking. I want to go on a date. I want to go dancing.

I want to do all those things. I haven't run into that much. I think the new age girl is a Netflix gal. I see e-girls being talked about all the time. Can't call them N-girls. What's an N-girl? Netflix girl is what I'd say.

Like an S-girl. Like a streaming girl. She's S-Club 7. The fuck. The God damn. girl the streaming girl yeah she's s club seven um the fuck um the goddamn i mean i would think that people would say that we're funny i hope that's the case if that's not if we can't if we can't say that we are more funny than the average person then we are in trouble. Yeah, yeah. Let's get confident, bitch.

We're funny. I'm fucking funny. And I think what they won't like about it is what just happened, a severe lack of confidence. I'm funny without a shred of self-worth. That's it. There's your answer. I know for a fact I'm funny, okay? I'm just going to fucking say it.

I've known it since I was little. I've known it since I was a fucking child that I'm funny. People? I'm just going to fucking say it. I've known it since I was little. I've known it since I was a fucking child that I'm funny. People laugh. When I'm out, people laugh. I can see people's faces when I talk to them. They laugh almost the whole time. I'm fucking funny. That's what people would like about me.

He said almost the whole time. Sometimes they stop, but for the vast majority, they're laughing. Don't get me wrong i'll miss sometimes but most of the fucking time i get good laughs out of people so that's what you'd like but you wouldn't like but you wouldn't like that one in between time that small window where you're not laughing it's a problem what does this guy think he's doing do you think he's funny or something? No, the severe lack of emotional stability and confidence. Yeah, no, for sure. The borderline sociopathy is an issue, no doubt.

Sociopathy is a great word. That's a great way to put it. Sociopath is beat to death. Sociopathy is a great word that's a great way to put it sociopath is beat to death sociopathy is not which by the way i don't know if it's the right term like i don't know like i said it was funny not smart what time is it 4 18 it's 4 18 p.m you can hear it in his voice like it it's it's the yeah like you'd be like so like how does that make you feel i don't i can't answer that question i just give you a lot of n slash a's not applicable i don't fucking know i don't know how that makes me feel i know how it's supposed to make me feel and i'll act that way if you want but it is not it is it just how that makes me feel. I know how it's supposed to make me feel, and I'll act that way if you want. But it is not.

It just doesn't make me feel that way. It just doesn't happen. I don't know what to tell you. It should, and it just doesn't. Dude, we were talking about the other day, me and Khan just, like, sweating in here. Like, grudges and stuff like that. And, like, I was like, I just pretend to be mad. I really do.

You're like, I should be mad at you? Like, I know what you're supposed to say. Like, a line was crossed here. And're like, I should be mad at you? I know what you're supposed to say. A line was crossed here. I'll act for 10 minutes. I'll give you 10 minutes of like, how dare you? And I'll be like, with who? Anybody. Anybody.

Anyone in the world. Obviously it happens more significantly than anyone else. Absolutely anybody. Actually, I won't even act with most people. I'll just be like actually I won't, I won't even act with most people. I'll just be like, I don't care.

It's fine. I'll tell you what I don't think I can do. I don't know if I can do this ever again. I don't think, I don't know if I'm ever going to be in another like full blown relationship because I don't think I can tolerate any longer anymore. Like what you're describing, like, like like you're you're pissing me off you're bothering me and i'm just going to tolerate it because we're together and i have to like obviously you have to be like uh a uh it has to keep happening what's it called i don't know

repetitive yeah yeah if it's just like one time and whatever but if it's just like boy you know my significant other really drives me nuts because they just keep doing xyz it's like i'm not gonna fucking date you i'll speak up on little annoyances it's like it's actually the bigger uh i think you should be upset about betrayals whatever i just think i'm at the point where i'd be like okay well uh all right like fuck you then you know if you ever like really trash me and do something horrible i'd be like okay well like have a good life. See you later. I'm not going to be mad.

I'm not going to throw a tantrum. It's just, let's keep it moving. Kevin's always going to have a go bag. Like, we can move in together. I'm bringing a backpack. Honestly, that's it. I'm going to have a metaphorical go bag for the rest of my life. And it's just like, okay.

Oh, all right. Like, you know, yeah, you totally stabbed me in the back. All right, cool. Good luck. Not even going to, it's not going to be be a thing right here it's a waste of energy uh but but yeah i don't know the the idea of like i should be mad at you but uh it's not there i give me i i will act for 10 minutes and then i will go take a piss you know what sucks and i remember getting this was like one of the breaking points for me. When I would not really be mad about something, but I was like, I have to cash in on this. To balance, to keep the balance in, to keep things in balance.

Like, if I were to do this to you, you would hold me over the fire for it. I don't want to do that to you, because I kind of do like a treat others how you want to be treated. But if I don't get my money's worth right now, you're just going to keep pushing. You know what I mean? Running the debt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like, oh, boy, this is a bad sign. This is not a good sign.

Next up. Hey, guys. So I just quit my job today, but I was working at a startup, and before I quit, I sold some of my stock for like a couple hundred thousand dollars. So I'm wondering how long can I just like take off and bum around before i just become a bum uh yeah i don't really want to get a job again anytime soon but i realize i can't just like retire forever but uh yeah i'm just wondering like you know how how can i just like do nothing before it's it's not okay thanks right now for the one minute man i did on uh there's two out right now about Philadelphia with COVID and then Justin Turner.

And a lot of people, of course, are like, well, it's not a big deal. And this guy just goes, I hope all you white trash fucks enjoy killing your grandmas. It's great. I don't think – I don't think I could ever be unemployed for a significant period of time i think dude i even if i just cashed in unless i you know unless you're like but even if i were wealthy i think i gotta keep it moving the fact the thought of just like watching everything dwindle with no income would bother me a lot it's not even i wouldn't even be like the the money going down it would just be like like i i i often jest that i'm lazy, and it's certainly partly true.

It's ambitiously lazy is the term. Ambitiously lazy? Mm-hmm. But yesterday, I actually have been a little, because we have a second wave and the pandemic is kind of back again, I've kind of been a part of, I've been thinking for a week or so, where I was like, maybe if I don't have to go, I won't risk it. Right.

And we always have, we always have guests. So every day has been a reason for me to come. Yesterday was our first day without a guest in, in God knows how long. And I was like, I was like, I don't take the morning.

And I had to clean up a little bit. And then I was like, actually, I just fucking, I don't need to go to the office today. So I'm just not going to do it. And then I sat there and within three hours i was like what are you doing john i'm telling you that's that's uh well it's not an age thing but it's partly an age thing

like i mean there was a time where i would wrap up the blog by 11 a.m and i would just watch tv and chill and love every millisecond of it and now i'm like i watched like one show or something like an hour episode and i'm like okay like what am i gonna do yeah what am i gonna do here you know what i mean like it's it's it's not as easy to do nothing as it once was no it's a bad thing about getting old i don't like that now don't get me wrong i got over it and i sat on that couch from 3 p.m. until 3 a.m. Yeah. Well, yeah, because then there's also just like, well, what do I have to do? We're in a pandemic. There's really nowhere to go.

I can go to the fucking gumbo shop across the street, which I haven't hit yet, and I can't wait to. The gumbo shop? It's a crawfish place. So I imagine they have a gumbo there as well. I don't know how a New York gumbo is going to go, but we're going to give it a whack. Um, but the,

uh, yeah, I was just like, I powered through it, but that was, I could power through it for a day. And then, and also like, I got second wins.

Cause like, Oh, world series is almost done. And then it was like, okay. And then when there's, when there's a reason or something to watch, it gets a lot easier.

But if I had to do that again this morning, couldn't, I wouldn't have been able to. Yeah, yeah. So I don't know. You don't have to. Okay, here's the deal. You don't have to get a job to not be a bum. If you have a couple hundred grand, it sounds like you're doing pretty good. You obviously can't retire, but you can wait until the right job comes around.

But you got to have something. You got to fucking start becoming a craftsman or something like that or fucking paint or write a play or a goal you gotta you gotta do something yeah yeah yeah and as long as you're fucking doing something i don't think anyone will call you a bum be like i i mean at this point you're a wealthy eccentric yeah you know what if your goal could be to put out that vibe you know what i mean yeah if your friends are like, yo, you heard like John just like sits in this like he bought this like palace of an apartment. He sits alone. We don't even know what he does. And that you're achieving something.

Right. That's an achievement. What is that guy? Yeah. There's some intrigue and interest by now. I don't think you're going to get called a bum anytime soon. No, because you keep showing up to parties like dressing weird and cool and spending money. You can't be a bum.

You can be unemployed. You can't be a bum. You can be unemployed. You can be super fucking bored. Yeah. But I think boredom will win out before the shame of being a bum does. Yeah. Well, and if not, I mean, you might just be a fucking lazy son of a bitch. But just I think that's like what you said. That's the opportunity to,

uh, just get a little choosy and go get like a, you know, the job you really want. Right. So take that time, but keep looking for that job that you want rather than just sitting there doing nothing.

I think that's, I think, I think, I think he sounds like you're doing great. Sounds like you're doing just a blazing, sweet, hot, unblazing,

unblazing, blazing, unblazing. That term is unblazing. Sociopathy is unblazing. Sociopathy. Would you say sociopathy? Unbelazing. That term is unbelazing. Sociopathy is unbelazing. Would you say sociopathy? Sociopathy. Let's see.

Can we get a word check on that? I can't imagine. No? Zach's just like, nah. Sociology. Sociology. No. Sociology is the study of humans.

Sociopathic. Sociopathically. Sociopathy. I think that's going to be it if I google it, yeah sociopathy sociopathy homeo I'm trying to think of other words that are that way

I mean the mental disorder characterized by disregard for other people I would say it's sociopathy it doesn't have a pronunciation thing. Sociopathy. Yeah, sociopathy in psychology today. Sociopathy refers to a pattern of antisocial behaviors. Stop with your sociopath jokes.

Start with the sociopathy jokes. Sociopathy. Boy, I'll tell you what. Psychology today is a lot more dangerous than WebMD. The joke with WebMD is like oh good cancer it fucking never happened shut up this one sociopathy refers to a pattern of anti-social behaviors and attitudes including manipulation deceit aggression and lack of empathy for others sociopathy is a non-diagnostic term and is not synonymous with psychop with psychopathy though they overlap though the overlap

lends to frequent confusion sociopaths may or may not break the law, but by exploiting and manipulating others, they violate the trust that the human enterprise runs on. There are definitely some points made there. That's the thing. Everybody throws that out now, and it's like, if you've told a lie in your life or you've ever, like, broken up with someone.

You've ever fucking gaslit someone. You're a sociopath. Oh, God. If you say gaslight, I'm going to light you on fire with gas. I'm going to fucking pour gasoline on you and set you on fire. You're gaslighting me. No, you're just actually fucking crazy.

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that stand up every day. So go to FaradayBrand, F-A-H-E-R-T-Y, brand.com, slash KFC for 25% off. That's FaradayBrand.com, slash KFC to get 25% off your next purchase. Hey, KFC, Fights, whoever's producing this episode. I had a heated conversation with some guys that I woke up with or grew up with. Those are two incredibly different things. Can't wake up with or grow up with. I had a conversation with a bunch of guys I woke up with.

Entirely different. I may grow up with. If you wake up with a guy, it means something very different than if you grow up with a guy. You're going to have entirely different opinions from those two things. Continue, but how do you confuse those two? This guy I woke up with.

We were going over some of our favorite Reddit threads from back when. One of mine was, which minor inconvenience would you wish upon your worst enemy? Some of the things that come to mind, mistying your shoe

the first time you go and tie it, every single time, missing the first or last step every single time you go up and down the stairs. My personal favorite was every time they go to use a bottle of ketchup, the clear ketchup residue comes out every single time, no matter how much they shake it.

Want to know your thoughts? Curious. The final step at the top or bottom. I mean, that's not minor. That's that puts the fear of God in you that feels like you're about to die yeah that's like because you could that's not mine feel like you're about to fall you i mean now if it happened every time and you eventually just grew accustomed to it i think the problem why it is so scary is it always feels like you're about to die because it happens very infrequently right so maybe that goes away but that's not minor that's that's fucking terrible that's like when you're leaning back on a chair and you feel like you're going to fall. I mean, that's the scariest thing that can happen to a human.

The ketchup water is a, I mean. That one doesn't bother me anymore. There was a time in my life when I was like, ew, gross. I mean, if you get ketchup water in your bun right now, you don't care? No, not even a little bit. I mean, like, don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong. If I fucking squirted out a water bottle's worth, that would be one thing. But it's like, not even a little bit oh i mean like sociopathy don't get me wrong if i fucking squirted out a water bottle's worth that would be one thing but it's like that's a little

bit it's not like i'm not like i'm picking up a soggy bun afterwards no but god i mean i would absolutely prefer it i think it's one of those things where like that grossed me out as a kid and then it became such a pop culture reference that i was just like i don't fucking care anymore like it's too many people cared too much to the point where it just turned me off to it. If I felt it through the bun and it was a soggy bun and it ruined my sandwich, that would bother me. But it's just

a little bit of juice. There's a lot of juice on a burger. Between the burger, the hot dog, that burger, the ketchup, the mustard, the tomato. There's a lot of juice coming out of a burger. I can't. Once it's all fucking mixed up. We're all the mustard, the tomato. There's a lot of juice coming out of a burger. I can't once it's all fucking mixed up. We're all the same in the dark. The

I was going to say only standard definition television, but that also might not be minor. I mean, that's pretty major. How about every single time you clip your fingernails, you clip them too low? Oh, that's a great one. That ruins your week.

Yeah. Especially if you don't. But if you chew tobacco, you have to start giving it to people. Can you open it for me? If you buy a tin that day. Yeah, you can't get your fingernails on anything. You can't get your fingernails. And like, I mean, you open up a can or you do something else and it hurts every time.

It's always the day like you need to fucking put a new key on your key rings yeah speaking of uh like you you forget your keys like and i don't know every time you leave the house you forget your keys i'm gonna be a minor either you uh you no because you can't forget your keys because then you can't get back in the house but like maybe you forget about the office or you forget like your wallet or something yeah because like you can call a locksmith. Yeah, you have to go back. Yeah. Again, I wouldn't even go, like that's, but maybe these are minor and it's just like absolute

day-ruiner, so they're perfect answers. Yeah. You forgot a button on your button down. Like one was off key, so you kind of like, oh, fuck. Yeah, you got to redo it every time. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. That feels like it takes forever. It takes six hours minimum.

Yeah. The hot water takes just a little bit longer than usual. Yeah, that sucks. Come on. Or just, you know, you don't have too much. Have you taken a cold shower recently? Yeah, Saturday morning. On purpose?

Yeah. Because you needed it? Yeah. I guess it's different when you want it. When you want a nice warm shower and you don't have hot water that's like the worst thing and you gotta you're like just splashing it on and it gives you that fucking like that feeling that rush through your

body that sucks your socks are never matched but like no they're not put together you do spend your morning trying to find the matching one but they're not together So you're kind of like fumbling through a drawer bit another one

And you keep thinking you see it because you're not smart enough to take the one you found Let's say you guys don't just do that every day Minor inconvenience uh like like once a week your internet is just like like your buffer you go back to the buffering days like everything just takes a little longer to load that is definitely when i have slow internet now like like if i or like sending a tweet when the bar goes like all the way and it just kind of stops. And like slow internet now is unacceptable. You know what? It's not slow internet.

It's inconsistent internet. Yeah, like spotty. Like the 95 corridor, whenever I'm taking the accele up home, it is like there are spots where it just like it just doesn't work. And it's crazy because it's probably the most traveled corridor in the country. Right, right. It's not probably. It's definitively the most traveled. Like fucking

Boston to New York to Philly to D.C. is I'm going to go to 100% chance that is where the most businessmen travel and where it is just definitively necessary to have a phone that works. And for some reason it's only with me, but my Wi-Fi

be it phone phone be it laptop never connects on the train my girlfriend and Casey say they never have had a single problem which infuriates me more than you can imagine see that's why

it's a good inconvenience but then like everyone else's internet works but not yours so I just have to use just my fucking data and it's just like it'll just be stretched

so I'm just not allowed to watch I'd rather have I'd rather be like I'd know I don't have it yeah I'd rather know it is not gonna work on this trip

yeah rather than like not back in not back in not back in yeah the inconsistency is what

if I knew I didn't have it I'd just fucking bring a book or some shit get a mental health but there's always a chance you might have it

you can't stop looking it up until it's back those are those are like life-ruiners. I don't know if those are minor inconveniences. All right, let's get into our interview. We got Brendan Sagalow, who is, you know, I say with love, he's Fat Feidelberg. He's just Fat Feidelberg.

I got a lot of those comments last night. He's on Answer the Internet, too. Go check that out. It's very funny. Also out right now is Behind the Blog featuring Roan, parts one and two. It's from Barstool Gold. So some of you, a few select of you have probably seen it already, is Behind the Blog featuring Roan. Parts one and two. It's from Barstool Gold. So some of you, a few selective,

you have probably seen it already, but the vast majority haven't. So if you want to get the whole story of who Roan is and how he came to be here at Barstool, go check out the KFC Radio YouTube. Every Wednesday night, we're doing KFC Radio Primetime, where either One Thing I Learned or Behind the Blog

or some other sort of video is premiering at night, 8 PM where you can hop on YouTube with us and chat in the comments. Every time a video premieres live, we're there to watch it as it first comes out. So behind the blog with Roan coming up soon, there'll be a new behind the blog with Robbie Fox, which was an unbelievable interview.

Get to know Bob even better than you already do. And of course we'll have new one thing I learned is coming out. So check out the KC radio, YouTube subscribe and check out Answer the Internet with Brennan Sagalow. Right now, the interview is brought to you by Miller Lite. Seems like a guy likes to kick back and have a couple of cold ones. He's anything like me. That's exactly what he is. Listen, life's complicated right now, but it ain't complicated with Miller Lite.

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Brendan Sagalow, what's up, buddy? I was just watching your thing where you were pointing out how the iPhone, the new iPhone that came out, and I was on the subway screaming. I was like, yes, yes, this is it! It's fucking crooks, man. They are such motherfuckers. And my phone is breaking down right now. By the second I always thought that was kind of bullshit

And it is Once it starts to happen to you No way, dude It's clearly not bullshit These guys, they just want to see how fucking far That they can get with being evil And I don't think there's an end And I kind of don't blame them

No I mean, the white person in me is like Where do I sign up? I do the same thing The no charger thing is just like Well we can make them give us another $39.99 Or whatever the fuck it is Or not Why not just make them do it

Fuck you dude You know what they need They need one guy And they probably have this But they need one guy to be in that room Going like guys Come on let's We have the money

We got the money already Yeah we don't need that anymore Just tone it the fuck down that social dilemma uh thing on netflix that came out like a month ago the guy was like why how come there's not a person in the room saying well everyone's a little too addicted to google because that's the fucking point we're trying to get them addicted but that doesn't make much sense to me it's like really how much money do you need all of it all of it brendan all of the money all of the money how much money do you need all of it all of it brendan all of the money all of the money how much money do you need i have no money any money would be great any of it to all of it it really does it's funny it starts that way i i guess if you're like born

into it or you know you're the son of someone rich whatever but if you like if you have no money and you make money you figure you would kind of like remember where you came from you know i don't need all the money it's like no once you get a taste of it you want all of it of course yeah but even like these people like you look at rappers or whoever that started they they do that shit but they don't they don't they're not evil about it like they'll like charge they want it 50 bucks for a sweatshirt or whatever but you buy it because you're like of course yeah i get that merch is expensive but they're like they're not like yeah you get 50 bucks for the sweatshirt but you have to buy the hoodie and then zip it back up which is an extra 250 yeah yeah yeah they don't just fucking absolutely

what they do now is they give you the album for free. Yeah, that bundle shit. That's a racket. I was watching your show. I was going to punch someone on the subway. That's what I try to do. Incite riots. Incite violence. Yeah, man, you were mad. Yeah, that's usually how I live my life.

See, the thing about that, which I said with it, is like it's nice to have a free one, but I have 17 iPhone chargers. I have chargers in every outlet in my house. I don't really need another one. I don't think they're doing this to save the environment or anything like that. No. Of course. Never. But, like, I mean, I have – as long as you're not changing what plugs it in, I have –

They know that they are, though. They are? Yeah. No, like, the new one has a new charger. Really? Shut the fuck up. Is it, like, the magnet behind the thing? It's something, right?

It's, like, the new – there's, like – it's the, it is the magnet one where you don't have to like plug it. You can kind of just get it close to it, you know, but it's new. Yeah. I'm going to. So you don't have an iPhone. So I don't. Yeah.

You are wrong. You goddamn motherfuckers. I was defending you. Right? I was rooting for you, you sons of bitches. I knew you weren't doing it for fucking the environment, but I was like, look, I get it. I have a million. Everywhere I go is a fucking iPhone charger.

I have to have a new fucking one. Dude, I sometimes woke up. Look who pulled into the driveway. Come on in. Come in the house. The water's warm. Dude, I have fantasies of everyone in my family dying and everyone close to me dying so that I can have like a Travis Bickle X. Bickle or is it from Taxi Driver?

Or Taxi, what is that? The Scorsese movie. Oh yeah, you know those classic films? Wrong place. Oh really? You want to talk about like, you know, blockbusters from 2006 to 2012? I'm sorry, I thought this was the rewatchables. No, I have fantasies of everyone in my life leaving me or dying

so that I can just go, alright, get a fucking gun, go to Apple HQ, and kill everybody. I have fantasies of everyone in my life leaving me or dying so that I can just go, all right, get a fucking gun, go to Apple HQ and kill everybody. I have those fantasies, dude. I have that. I'm like, what kind of gun? It warms me thinking about it. What kind of gun will I kill everyone with? So you're telling me the only thing holding you back is family and friends who might, what, be disappointed in you? Yes, which I think holds a lot of us back right oh so much i say every day i wish i had no friends or family because then i

would just pick everything up and i would just move to the bahamas and i would live literally on the beach i wouldn't even have a house i would just sleep on the sand yeah or get really dark with it and kill yourself that's what i think about all the time i go man if nobody now you've come to the right show now you're speaking speaking our language. How would you do it? Oh, I think about this all the time. This is so tame, but the honest answer is sit in my car in a garage and just fucking turn it on. Oh, no. Play some.

Because you go out coughing, right? I hate a cough. Not for me. What do you mean? I think you zonk out. No, you pass out. Look, like we were just discussing. We were.

The... He said burning alive's not so bad. No, no, no, no, no, no. I agree. I agree because I've looked into this. It burns the nerve endings. You don't feel anything? Yeah, you stop feeling stuff.

And you just sit there on fire. You gotta still get there, folks. Yeah, that's true. It's a tough journey, but the destination's the reward. Yeah, people aren't screaming in pain for nothing. They're not just doing that for... Have you ever burned yourself? Imagine your whole body.

You were saying 2006 blockbusters. The Denzel. Man on Fire? Nope. That's funny. End of Time? Oh, Equalizer. Equalizer.

When he's fucking... Got the nail gun and shit, right? When he's got the guy in the garage and he's fucking smoking him out. A lot of coffin. Too much coffin for me. Oh, coffin. I thought you said coffin. Well, that happened in House of Cards, too.

I mean, he killed the guy, didn't he? Yeah, like a... And then put him in the garage or something? You know what I want to do? Also piggybacking off our conversation. I do want to set myself on fire. I do want to stage it so that it looks like spontaneous combustion, and I want to go down as one

of those people who died of spontaneous combustion. I'm going to be honest, I think the fire detective would catch you there. Almost immediately the arson detective would be like, nah, he lit himself on fire. How would they know? The match is the gas, it's all right there. No, listen.

You have a match. You think you are going to outsmart fire detectives? Which is not a profession. Why do you keep going with this? Okay. I would love to hear. My grandpa, my grandfather was a arson detective. Fire detective.

We're going to go with fire detective. You like that one. Okay, fire detective. He was a pyrotechnic Fire detective. Oh, we're going to go with fire detective. You like that one. Okay, fire detective. He was a pyrotechnic who chose the right path. If there's ever been somebody who's ever gone down in the books as spontaneous combustion, they duped the fire detectives. But no one has. But they have. That's what I mean.

There's, like, records of what they believe to be. I don't know if they, like, go down. I don't know if the fire detective officially puts it down. I think he doesn't. I would hope not, or else down. I don't know if the fire detective officially puts it down. I think he doesn't. I would hope not or else he's the worst fire detective in the world. We were clearly talking about this. That's great. And I was like, it's very clearly like there was a spark from

the fucking thing and that's what set on fire and there's no evidence. Or you were smoking a cigarette and that's what set it on fire and the cigarette burns up. I don't know. There's no way you can actually spontaneously. Well, we are just created by a bunch of atoms, right? So, like, and the world... This is... I am talking out of my

ass, but just let me fucking go, dude. Let me go. We are... So, the world was... The universe was created by a bunch of atoms colliding and then exploding, right? And you don't think that maybe can happen inside of a person's body? A personal Big Bang. That would be awesome. I mean, if I could die from a Big Bang.

Again, yes, I would love that. I want the fire detective to say, this looks like a human Big Bang. He goes, personal Big Bang. Seen it? Takes a big breath. Seen it only once before in 78. Bah!

Oh, man. So what's your story? I feel like, I mean, I just, we've slowly been getting to know all the New York City comic crowd. Yeah. And I just, like, names pop up. You guys are like the new Opie and Anthony. I will fucking take that, man. That's all.

I will gladly take that shit. But, you know, I just noticed as I get to know one, I see, you know, he talks about this guy. And that guy talks about that guy. And I just kind of keep connecting it. And Brennan Sagal has been the name popping up more and more and more. I will tell you this. I'm not going to recommend anybody. I might,

I'll recommend a fake guy and I'll come in with a mustache and start talking in French. You can also find me on the Brennan Sagal podcast. Just search him. It's the same thing. Are you from New York? Long Island, baby. Yeah. You can also find me on the Brendan Zagalow podcast. Just search him. It's the same thing. Are you from New York? Long Island, baby. Long Island.

Yeah, I can smell his scumbag eye. Should have guessed from the earring. Oh, yeah, yeah. The earring and the classic car tattoo. Dude, I leave. Oh, my God. Who have I become? That's what happens when you're from trash.

You just like, you go like, that'll never happen to me. And then you wake up one day and you have eyelashes on your headlights and you're like oh god damn it's like well i was from trash but i'm not bad yeah i was thinking the exact opposite at the start of the show when we were talking about like the apple boardroom and like you're like i'd never be that evil if i'm ever in the apple boardroom i'm like yo poor people could die yeah as soon as i'm like, guys, we should. And then some chick starts giving me a massage. I'm like, actually, you know.

I can get no events. Yeah, Long Island, Syosset. I'm a big rep. Like, I rep Syosset hard. Yeah, you're a big piece of shit. I'm a huge piece of shit. Me and Judd Apatow, dude. Because Judd Apatow does it.

So I'm like, that's fucking cool, man. He reps Syosset so hard. So I'm like, I of shit Me and Judd Apatow dude Cause Judd Apatow does it so I'm like that's fucking cool man He reps Syosset so hard so I'm like I gotta keep that going Do you hate 631 with like a burning passion Is there a rivalry No but like Feeney Who's been on the show right He's one of my best friends

He constantly just creates this fake fighting between us There is none Is he 631 He's 631. Okay. And he goes, he's like 516, this fucking douchebag right here.

And I'm like, can't we just be friends? I think of 631 as like the Hamptons to me. That's where you're going out. Yeah, Suffolk. You're going out there to fucking vacation almost

where Nassau is like the normal place you live. And also these 631 pussies, now I fucking hate them. Now! These 631 pussies always act like they had it rough and it's like, shut up you stupid douchebag. You're from Long Island.

You didn't grow up in Detroit. You didn't grow up on 8 Mile, you fuck. There was always like, I hate this is what I hate about Long Island people is especially white guys from Long Island we all saw fucking 8 Mile and we were like, I hate, this is what I hate about Long Island people, is especially white guys from Long Island. We all saw fucking 8 Mile, and we were like, that's me. That's my life. I hate people that

try to be like, no, I grew up poor. Like, it's a fucking badge of honor. And it's like, no, you didn't. You fucking, I think it makes you cool or tough. I'm going to defend the guys for a second here, because I think every white person who saw 8 Mile were like, yeah, that's – I remember like throwing up like fucking gang signs.

3-1-3. Everybody. Like my whole fucking hockey team came out. We're in the locker room like boys. I watched that movie. I watched that movie like two or three times a year. I fucking love that movie. I love that guy.

The battle rap scenes at the end. I love that movie so much because it was the first scene that was the first movie that really spoke to me as a white guy. The sex scene. Yeah. Eight seconds in a fucking warehouse. Three quick

pumps and we're done. That scene is still me. Oh yeah. I was like I was like let's say I was 10 when the movie came out 12 whatever I don't know

whatever I was and I was like every sex scene I'd ever seen was just like scaring me like oh my god that's what I'm

going to do one day that's a lot fucking Top Gun fucking romantic music and mosquito nets this is just the quick dirty I mean once

Brittany Murphy once she licks her hand I'm like like, oh, that's the best. I'm coming right away. That's the best. You can do that to me right now. You lick something. It's going off. Yeah.

I can see a chick picking her teeth at a Chipotle and I'm like, I'll get a fucking boner. I love that movie. And it's also so funny that you meet all these, especially comics, we all think we're a rabbit. We all think we're always like, yeah, you know, my time will come. Everybody, it's so cringy, man. It's like, probably not, man. Probably not. No, no, no.

It'll never happen. I'm going to say that. You know who you are? You're Cheddar Bob. Where's the camera? You're Cheddar Bob. That's who you are do you feel like uh i can't tell like i said we've been getting into it so much more so my eyes are opening up to so many more acts but i can't tell if that's normal like there's always been this many people

is there been like there's so many people is it more so than like when how old you now how long you been doing it 29 i've been doing it 10 years so like when you first started just with the rise of podcasts the rise of social media the rise of tiktok like everyone all sons of comedian you know what i mean it's like it used to be like you have to be funny enough to get on stage somewhere i don't remember that time at all and i think i don't think they're i i i think it's always been there's the people that are half-assing it and then there's the people that stick around forever that are bad, and you're just like, you know,

the people that you don't want to, you know, I would never want to tell anybody to quit, but there's people that you're like, you should stop. Or if you want to be, you know, work in another way,

do something, write a script or something, like stand-up is not for you. You can be funny and it's not necessarily stand-up, you know what I mean? Like it doesn't necessarily mean you're not talented, it just means you stink at stand-up is not for you. You can be funny and it's not necessarily stand-up. You know what I mean? Of course. It doesn't necessarily mean you're not talented. It just means you stink at stand-up. Yeah.

There's people with no personalities that are doing stand-up. And it's like you got to have at least a little bit of a personality. Even if you're like your thing is that you don't have a personality. Right. Those guys have personalities. Right. Yes. It's very like –

I can't imagine – I've always preached that I think self-awareness is like the most important thing in the world. For sure. Over every other personality trait. And to not have self the self-awareness to realize you're not good at stand up like it's pretty fucking obvious. I've seen. No, I'm not like hanging out in the clubs every day and like that. But I've seen a good amount of same comedy. I've only seen one person ever where I was like, they should stop. There have been

times where I was like, oh, I can tell there's something here or whatever. Are they famous? No, it was Zany's in Chicago. It was the show I was at, Rosebud. Rosebud was the headliner. And I forget if it was the person before or two people

before or whatever. It might even be just I don't know who it was. I don't to like throw someone who it might not have been yeah but there was it was someone on that ticket and i was just like this is not fucking bad you know and like i've been around for like like i've gone to like the fucking like new york comedy club on like a tuesday night and ended up sitting there while i do like the quick mic pass offs after like the act is done late night they call it this son of a bitch will stay there for a minute late night is like I love I had a before all this I had a like

plan with late like late night was was like a part of my schedule I would do all my spots and then I would go up and you know I've I don't know how to say this without being a douche but I've cut my teeth enough there where I can go up first or second on late night without having to wait an hour or whatever. So I'd do all my spots.

In my last spot, I would take like a 65, 80 milligram edible, and I would just start sucking God's dick, and I would go to late night, and I would just have these thoughts and things going like this and everything and I would record myself and just it would like I found better taglines and punchlines just by being incredibly high and going to this place that does not matter because the guy after you has been doing it for like two years or whatever it's the best

I'm too high to function but you suck so whatever man I love late night that's actually I feel like that could be a a thing in its own like uh you if you film that and put that out be like you know i get super high and do late night and this becomes of it i would watch the shit out of that yeah like a one-time special just like here's here's the the the male brain when it's completely unlocked and you're late night in new york city clubs some Some shit comes out. It's hard to toe that line, though, of being like the weed guy.

Yeah. That is so annoying. Yeah. Or it's also like I remember when we first started this, I think like one time around Christmas, we tried to like we were drinking like eggnog and wine and like let's get drunk and do it. And it's like drunk podcasts. It sounds like it's a fun idea. And then and then you realize anytime you've ever been the sober person around drunk people, how much it sucks. Like, that's what it just would be for the audience.

Totally. This idea is terrible. Any drunk podcast that's ever happened is just the fucking worst. But high is a little different. I'm high for everything, except for now. I've actually told myself, stop buying the weed. Just fucking relax for a little bit because I'm spending all this money and i'm just high 24 7 i would be like so shut down right now i'd be saying things like that you don't fucking get

and you'd be 20 seconds would go by and you're like well that was the show everybody i still don't understand how people do it i can't function high i can't like be high in public it's not i'm not weering like that i just i just fall asleep yeah i sleep i smoke weed every night but like i am in bed i'm like i'm unconscious within well 25 seconds i was buying weed the other day i went to a dispensary for the first time i call it massachusetts and like the girl was like pitching me like i was like fucking buying a car like she's like oh you want to get the king louis this shit fucking slaps dude and i was like fucking buying a car. She's like, oh, you want to get to King Louie? This shit fucking slaps, dude. I was like, I just want to go to sleep.

I just want to sleep peacefully through the night. Well, like I would – the reason I don't sleep is because I would – I get up. I smoke a joint. I get my coffee, and I just have a coffee while I'm smoking a joint, and it is – That sounds delightful. Oh, it's the best, dude. And the balance. Yeah, of course.

Just ripping your body in multiple directions it's amazing can i tell you how bad i want to go out like that i want to go out like farley i want i want to go out too soon i want everybody to love me after like not like it would matter but i i want to that's how i want to go i mean he he probably would have gone on to just continue to do everything with adam sandler and make a boatload of money and all that but he did go out with this fucking status this legacy you know it's like who knew you think about that with all these guys where it's like where would you be who would that person suck yeah well i say with the rappers all the time it's like by now biggie would have put out like three albums that kind of suck yeah you know he probably would try to do some auto-tune shit and like

miss the mark and instead it's just like too unbelievable you go out as like this fucking tough guy and you're done you know yeah even with like eminem like say what you want about him but you know his his newest albums aren't as good no he just stopped several ago probably but if everybody you know if he died at like 28 or 30 or whatever right right after the Eminem show, they would have been like, oh my God. Fucking God. I mean, he's still like a guy. Absolutely.

I think he gets a raw deal. I know his new shit's bad, but that doesn't make his old shit. Well, I thought Kamikaze was fucking good. Yeah, he kind of like bounced back. He'll just never be able to... Even if the album's good, it just won't ever be the same.

There's just no like heart in it. Yeah, it's all skill now. Right. Yeah, he's just kind of running up the score. Like, look how fast I can rap. Look at the wordplay, whatever no like heart in it yeah i mean it's all skill now right yeah he's just kind of running up the score like look how fast i can rap look at the word play whatever i would but he had it man i mean he had fucking congress talking about him dude when they're scheduling like congressional hearings because of your shit yeah you know as a rapper that's like you're not getting any higher and i was i was thinking about this the other day that was only

like his reign was six years it was quick it was 99 to 2005 jammed it in nothing that's nothing crazy it's yeah like the longevity is not what he'll be known for but everything else was fucking great but i think with comics as you get older you're better you know like as like you know you know you look at someone like louis or whatever when he's 40 some 45 or 42, he's amazing. But then you watch his old stuff and you're like, okay, this is good. But it's not. Because as a comic, you're just angrier and angrier and more bitter or you don't like your life.

All the things that make you funny happens as you get older. Is that fucked up? I mean, do you have to really be – I feel like it's almost like a cliche that you have to hate yourself or go through trauma or whatever. And like, I think it might've been DeStefano. Somebody was like, nah, I've had a pretty like good life. Pretty.

Of course, Chris is doing great. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, look at you. You fucking, you know, chisel from stone. He looks beautiful. He got the hair. Nothing's hard for you. You're just funny.

Fuck. I don't know. Most other people don't. But also, DeStefano is mentally ill in a way. You talk to him, you know, like he's as crazy as anybody else. Oh, he's... It's not a drama, but it's...

DeStefano told us he thinks he was raped as a kid. I think I was too, actually. I think I was molested by my cousin I could have been doing a joke he seemed pretty sincere he's like I remember going to Father John's office and I just don't remember anything else after that right okay so maybe

he did say that that wasn't all fair that was on this podcast so we're not speaking out of school here but he was like I just forgot everything that happened after that. Maybe it wasn't Chris. It's dark to forget the thing after. I think my cousin touched my dick, which is like

a molestation. But it's your cousin. How old? We were like 8-ish. And the same age? He was 23. He was old enough to know not to do that to a kid. So I'm not going to give him the out here, but it was like – Do you still associate with his cousin?

No, no. He was a step-cousin anyway. So, you know, my – I think I saw this on Pornhub. I just started crying. No, he just like – we were just sitting in bed and we couldn't sleep, you know, at a sleepover or whatever. And he was just like, he was like, what does your dick look like? And I was like, you know, it's like a kid's dick.

Yeah, it looks like an eight-year-old's dick. And he was like, let me see. And I whipped my dick out and he started touching it. And I was like, okay. We'll edit this out. You don't have to edit this out. I want the world to know. I have problems.

This is what gets you to the top, baby. Give me a television show. I also have problems. I'm a straight white man who was molested. There's a little twist to it. Oh, man. That's why we're not stand-ups. we didn't get jerked off by our cousin by the babysitter yeah yeah you do so you don't have an excuse i do i was never raped

he got raped by a jay-z i'll touch you guys if you want now that you know i was a 36 year old man and brent sagalow raped me so now i'm going right to the top baby i don't think you need to be like you don't need to be miserable to be a good comic but it helps it helps when you come at stuff in this like you know you have to have a smile on your face you can't be fucking unlikable right you know you see all these comics that are like you know going up and just being and people are like what is this yeah there's a difference between like uh being i guess like maybe critical of shit and whiny you know like you go up there with a chip on your shoulder and you're like fuck this fuck that you could do it in a funny way and if but if you go up there just like well you know yeah at least appreciate where you are and that people

are watching you you have to appreciate that charisma yeah yeah i heard someone once say that like the audience is stupid and blah blah blah that was their whole thing and i was like that's why you're not making it yeah because you're a fucking idiot that that the audience is stupid and blah, blah, blah. That was their whole thing, and I was like, that's why you're not making it. Because you're a fucking idiot that thinks the audience is not your friends. You have to go up and be like, these people are here to see comedy. They're my friends. They're buddies. Unless they're awful. But even when your friends are awful, you're like, you fucking suck, dude.

And then you can leave. But if you're going up as like, I'm better than the audience, you're going to be unlikable, and you're going up as like I'm better than the audience you're going to be unlikable and you're going to fail I'm being too pretentious right now anytime I talk shop I get very like I think that's part of it too though

I think you can tell people who take it like the craft seriously I think we ask a lot of times do you sit down and actually write I don't know if I could ever do that where it's like set aside the time to just sit there and write material. When we write shit, we write a blog. We publish it. We get the immediate benefit or feedback.

Don't be in here. Yeah, for sure. But if I was just to write a blog and then just put it away, I'd be like, well, I'm not going to do that. You know what I mean? Well, stand-up's a lot like that, too, because you can go up that night. Right, right. So the turnaround is, like, is great. That's why it's so hard to write a script, because you're sending all these –

you're sending it to your friends, and then they're sending you stuff back, and you're like, okay, got to tweak this, got to whatever. And you're not in the same mood two months from now as you were when you were starting it. You might have changed your whole fucking – Exactly. So, like, I mean, I've learned to just put shit out. Like, you just have to, like, write it, do it all in one. Don't even, like, have a second to not do it.

Where do you put it out, though, now? YouTube, I guess, or whatever. Yeah, you got to go just digital now. Yeah. I feel like anybody who's not, if you're just sitting around waiting for the clubs, like. No. Oh, it's. It's.

It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. Anytime soon. It's all.

There is a thing now that when you're sitting with – like, you know, I was writing today before I came here, and I'm just sitting with my notebook, and I'm looking at it, and I'm like, what is this for? Who is this for? Like, because I'm playing in parks. I'm playing on roofs, and it's, like, cool, and it itches that scratch of, like, I need to tell jokes and stuff and, like, talk. But it's, like, you know, there's – right now, it's – we're very locked up. There's no – it doesn't seem like there's much of know, there's right now it's we're very locked up. There's no there. It doesn't seem like there's much of a future in this right now. I even so like COVID, let's say we get a vaccine, let's say six months from now, it's all good.

You think it'll just go back to like what it was? I feel like in a way it's almost signaled like in the comedy world, like podcasting, YouTube. Yeah. Like focus a lot of your effort on that as well as opposed to just get back on the road or do you think it'll just go back to like i think you 50 tour 15 yeah nights and 50 50 shows 50 nights right in the middle of that i think people are going to go back to the clubs and people are going to be like but then there's also going to be park shows and there's also going to be rooftop shows but the people

that are the comics that are smart are gonna go well we can't let that happen again you know it's like when you lose a job and you have no money and you're like i gotta start saving right so the next job you have you start saving up so now it's when everything goes back to normal in 14 years or whatever uh it's you're gonna people are gonna be like yeah i'm gonna do stand up and this is how i can make my money but i have to i have to start working on my youtube or start working on my instagram like we we've dabbled a little bit with live podcasts and uh and it's even like me personally and then like signaled through our sales team they're like well you're

gonna reach like 300 people that night. And like, that's it. You know what I mean? And you guys keep doing it so you can amass that. But for me, coming from a digital world, it's like, well, if I just we do that, we put it on YouTube. We put it on some sort of video platform. You're going to reach just that many more people. Yeah. But for your for your craft or whatever you want to call it, being on stage is so important.

Yeah. And it's also feels good. It feels good to be right in front of people on stage live. It's cool. And you can look at it as positively like there's 300 people there that might not know you or might tell a friend or whatever, and that's a cool way to look at it. Or you could be smart and go, let's do it live in front of these 300 people but let's also film this and let's put this out on youtube so that it reaches more people so it's it's the live thing and

yeah if you don't if you're not filming your shit then like what are you even doing this for you have to put it online you have to put it on the on the talk the talk are you are you are you on the talk yeah because i'm a pedophile. I'm on TikTok. I remember I was telling him one time, like, he didn't know anything about it. And I was saying, like, every night before I go to bed, I'll just, like, pop on TikTok. Yeah. I mean, before I go to sleep at night, like, I watch, like, little girls dance. Because it just feeds it to you. It's like, no, no, give me something funny.

Dude, it's brutal, man. It's brutal. There's some, you have to, when you first get on TikTok on TikTok, it's all like these prepubescent chicks. Even if it's 18 as like a 29 or 36-year-old, you're going like, I can't, I can't. So you have to like start liking shit that you're not like. Like I'm like trying to fix my algorithm by liking like fishing stuff. Like anything that doesn't have to do with a girl going like, I'm a savage. I'm getting moms of TikTok now.

Because I'm so old and washed up, friends have sent me that, and I've sent it to other moms that I know, and now I'm just getting fed 40-year-old women on TikTok. I don't know what's worse. See, my algorithm... At least the teenage... Getting old moms on TikTok feels even creepier to me

somehow than the young girls. It feels very weird, the whole thing. The whole thing. My algorithm would never fix because I don't like things with a lot of likes. Out of spite. You've got too much success. She's got enough likes.

Almost like a vote. What is my vote? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm someone who's like, I don't like Halsey's pictures. I just follow her and I'm like, fuck, she looks good with a shake head. I like Halsey's pictures. But I'm not going to double tap like Halsey's pictures. I just follow her and I'm like, fuck, she looks good with a shake head. Yeah, I like Halsey's pictures. But I'm not going to double tap it. She's got enough likes there. So I would just scroll the main page, whatever they feed to me,

and it would just be like, well, that's – because I imagine whatever they feed to you already has a lot of likes. So I just never like anything. I'd just be like, fuck this. Whoa, you need my validation? Shut up. Next video. This guy does TikTok.

Our producers here are always trying to find us stuff. And so we've been doing like Always Sunny type voiceovers or whatever. Oh, that need my validation? Shut up. Next video. This guy does TikTok. Our producer's here. Always trying to find us stuff. And so we've been doing like always sunny type voiceovers or whatever. Oh, that's great. Shit like that. This guy comes to us the other day and he's like, oh, this one, you could do this one. And it's a dance. And I was like, whoa, we're not doing a dance. But I'm thinking like if it's something like, you know, like two fucking, whatever, maybe

we'll do it. Nah, dude. They play it for us. And it was like this whole fucking routine. And I looked at him. We looked at each other other like are you guys fucking crazy are you fucking insane first it would take us days to learn this and second of all nobody wants to see this it is fun to dance a little bit oh yeah it is it is feel naughty man i got i got so saucy i went so crazy over the quarantine that I just started learning like

NSYNC dances and I like now you're kind of speaking my language I don't know go on what's the one where it's like it's gonna be me let's go you want me to put it on

yeah alright it's like yeah baby You want me to put it on? Yeah, alright, alright. I got it, I got it. It's like, every little thing. Yeah, baby! See? Oh, wow! See, that should be on the talk, bro. That should be on your TikTok right there.

That was fucking unbelievable. That was impressive. When I was a kid, my sister used to take hip-hop dance, and I had her teach me the bye-bye-bye dance. I don't remember anymore, but it was like we had it. I was, like, so embarrassed about it. Like, I was, like, again, let's say, I don't know. I was 10, let's say. And I was, like, so in my own head that I was, like, my house, you couldn't walk by my windows and, like, see my house.

Like, a person couldn't do that. But I was, like, all right. Someone's watching. We do it in the living room. We were doing it in the unfinished part of our basement just like in a corner where there were no windows so creepy and i was just like all right sorry so hang on it's the only part i remember now because the most famous part but i knew the whole thing fucking top to bottom that was aged well for you to pop up here and do it right like that too i mean that was impressive

buddy i'm i am constantly seeking validation. Okay? I needed somebody. Give me your love. Give me your attention. I mean, that was something, dude. Thanks, dude. So you said you've been doing the parks and the rooftops and whatnot.

Are you thinking about getting on the road or doing anything? I'm on the road. I've been on the road a couple times. I've been at this place, Soul Joel's in Royersford, Pennsylvania. They're doing it great are the places that are open some are they kind of like off the beaten path or like normal clubs back are you going to like some crazy shit that you've never done before well i did i did comics at mohegan sun which was terrifying this was in like the heart of of covid so it was like

yeah it's like you do the show they're great because the green room is like you know it's like two people in the green room. You got to wear the mask. And then after you leave, you go straight to your fucking room, take shrooms or whatever, and then just bug out and do that for about Thursday. It's crazy for the audience. I'm good. Yeah, yeah. You fucking animals out here touching each other, whatever.

Dude, it's fucking crazy. And, like, you know, they keep the distance and everything. And you don't have to really do a meet and greet, which is. You got to be a colossal asshole to be doing a meet and greet which is uh you gotta be a colossal asshole you to be on both sides to be to set it up and try to get money out of it and to be a moron who actually engages in it you gotta fucking idiot but then i'm i'm doing like uh i'm at a brewery in connecticut and manchester in next month and i have no idea what that's going to be like but that's so off the beaten path are these paying the same no that can't be the same? Because they're only doing like a quarter capacity or whatever.

So it's a fraction of what you used to make. It's not paying well because – and comedy club owners, they're family, but they're criminals. So any chance to be like, we can probably say that we didn't make that much money because they can use it to their advantage to lie. For sure. But we need – I need the money. It's my livelihood. So what do I do? What am I going to work at Amazon or something?

I legitimately thought about that. I was like, should I work at Amazon? Because I'm not making any. There's another hook for you. I thought about working what? Delivery in a factory? I have no idea. But they were the only thing.

Boardroom? This was in like March, April when everybody was losing their minds. So I was like, they're the only thing that's still? This was in like March, April when everybody was losing their minds. So I was like, they're the only thing that's still open right now. So maybe I can, but I just powered right through that. Just took a bunch of edibles and forgot about that idea.

Yeah, so now. But that would work. I think, you know, you could be a Amazon delivery man and you play a little like, a little Kevin James-ish type of role. Yeah. Delivery man.

Dude, I loved, I used to deliver food. It was like the best job in the world. It was a delivery man. Dude, I loved – I used to deliver food. It was like the best job in the world. It was great. Why? Yeah, yeah. The best job in the world.

Yeah, I'm talking – Delivery man. Yeah, there's Apple CEOs and then there's delivery boys that make $80 a day. Why was it so good? It was just great, man. As a young kid, I'm doing comedy, but I'm driving this food around, and I'm listening to O&A, and I'm smoking weed. And people are like – you go to houses, and they're like, Fuji! Yeah, you're the hero. Everybody's super fucking happy.

Yes, yes. All right. You sold me. Totally. Yeah, I got it. And there's like – I've had so many jobs where you go into a place, and you're like, am I going to have sex with someone in here? That's like – That's the dream. Dude, I started at Barstool Sports.

It was five guys. I was like, I'm going to fuck someone in here. I fucking know it, man. I'm going to fuck someone in here. It really is every job. You're like, I can't wait to have sex with somebody I work with. I'm so excited to torpedo my career by fucking a mediocre person who works here. It is absolutely the worst idea that absolutely everyone engages in.

Oh, because there's something to it. You're like, oh, we work together. That close quarter syndrome, man. Yeah. I never got off on that idea where it's like, oh, it's like someone we work with. It's just like. I've been around you all the time. You're the only person I talk to.

I guess we're missing one step here. I used to walk dogs. This was like six years ago or like maybe seven. It doesn't matter. But I used to walk dogs, and they know when you're coming. You have a schedule. These owners know when you're coming. So I go there.

I go to this one Golden Doodles house, and the mom is like, you know, the doggy mom or whatever is very friendly, a little flirty, whatever. You know. You know. Your boy's got it. Whatever. Look at me. Look at whatever. How are you? I have to smile.

I know how to dance. I got it. So whatever. She's always been like that. One day, I go in, and because they give you the keys and stuff, sometimes they're not there. So I walk in, and I'm like, hey, I'm talking to the golden doodle, and I'm like, all right, let's go.

Let's start putting the leash on. And I hear her in the back, and I'm like, all right, let's go. Let's start putting the leash on. And I hear her in the back. And I'm like, oh, she's in the back door wide open. It's like a hallway. Living room, hallway, bedroom. I'm already a little chubbed up. I'm in the living room. I look down the hallway.

It's like a Kubrick kind of film where I'm like, it's like doors, doors, doors, doors, open door. She walks by completely naked. And I'm like, ah! I'm not the kind of guy that's like hold on you know coming yeah yeah yeah so i'm like ah okay bye i'm here i'm going like i'm walking as loud as you can yeah no she she didn't she didn't acknowledge me she didn't even like nothing like she didn't close the door it was crazy she wanted to fuck you dude i know i'm too much of a pussy yeah i probably am too but i love to pretend i definitively am there's yeah i'd be like wait i would have done

hard right now i might have jumped out the window yeah you you were more brave than i would have been in the situation oh no she no. She was hot, yeah. And, I mean, she probably caught me. You know when you're like, you know when you have like eight months where you're just not getting laid? And you're like, oh, I'm bad with women. You start feeling bad about yourself. And I'm like, it was probably during that time because, you know, I don't know. Maybe if I had sex or whatever a couple days beforehand.

So you just didn't have the confidence to roll in there. No confidence, dude. But also, it's like that's, you know, that was the gift from above to break out of that eight-month slump. I know. I'm still in it. I still went home and ordered a hooker. To me, that's one that I'm reliving in the shower every day for the rest of my life. Oh, yeah.

That's like a Stan's a jerk store. Like here's what I should have said. Here's what I would have done. She was so hot too. She had like such a good – yeah,. Here's what I should have said. Here's what I would have done. She was so hot, too. She had such a good butt. Yeah, I don't want to be that guy. She was hot. She was beautiful.

If you're listening, please call me. Misconnections on Craigslist. When you were walking dogs, were you ever one of those people who had like 40 on the leash? Sometimes I see those and I'm like, if these dogs ever want to rally together. Yeah, if they could start communicating, what's that Paul Walker classic, Joyride, where the person gets tied to two fucking 18-wheelers, the dogs could do that to you.

Yeah, just like, four, five, four dogs could rip you apart. Absolutely. And they're just trying to cram in as many dogs as they can in a 15-minute walk, and they're probably making bank doing that. I was the worst dog walker, dude. I would sometimes, I wouldn't walk the dog i wouldn't tell i would just i'd come in i'd be like i'm too tired and i'd sleep on their couch

yeah i'd sleep on their couch for like 45 minutes and go like scruffy was great today he he didn't pee and he didn't poop but he had a good walk and stuff so it's like you go when they do shit on the rug and make sense sorry he just wouldn't he He just wouldn't poop. It was really bad. I used to try that with my parents. And they'd be like, get the fuck back outside and walk the dog until it shits. That's what you're supposed to do. There's a goal in mind. I would sit in the backyard and play on my phone.

And I'd come back in and be like, she didn't go to the bathroom. Like, well, get the fuck outside until she goes to the bathroom. Well, like, you also don't know. Like, I was so young at that time there. I was like, I didn't know that they need to go out to walk so that they can sleep that night. So it's like they're, you know. You ruin everything for the next, like, 12 hours. These owners must have been like, why is Scruffy so energetic?

Oh, because this fat idiot didn't bring him outside. What's the worst job you've had? Is that it? No, that was a good job. Worst job I ever had was I worked at I worked at Fridays I worked at Fridays and Friendlies and I always get those

Friendlies was horrible dude you just smell like food you smell like ice cream you're wearing those shitty you know I hate working in restaurants because you have to wear those fucking shoes the non-slip shoes they just pick up a bunch of food I didn't know you had to wear special shoes no I the non-slip shoes. Oh, yeah? You just pick up a bunch of food. I didn't know you had to wear special shoes.

No, I've worked in a restaurant. They did not acknowledge. They did not tell me about that. I just worked in the back. What? That's where you need them. It was like my uncle's restaurant, so he's probably like. You probably were.

I was. It was like, it was child labor, too. Like, I was like 14, 15. So it was like, he's like, best case scenario, he dies. Yeah. I don't know. Every job I had is like such a normal job that it was like, he's like, best case scenario, he dies. Yeah. I don't know. Every job I had is like such a normal job that it's like, the only reason it was terrible is because I just didn't want to work.

Did Fridays have a song? Was Fridays a singing place? Fridays was a singing place, but I never worked as a waiter or anything. I worked in the ice cream place at Friendly's. Scooping ice cream and shit? Yeah. Making little Mickey Mouse cream and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Make a little Mickey mouse thing. And I also worked when I worked at Fridays,

I was a host. So I, they would just come in and I go, hi, welcome. And then I'd bring them to their seat. And once I prayed the uglies and the pretties. Yes.

Yes. I would go, you're not allowed to sit next to him. Uh, I, one time it was swamped and there was this chick that was working with me and we were, you know, two hosts and whatever. And she just started busting my balls about she's like, you're not doing you're not keeping up your leg of the work. And it was swamp picture Friday, Saturday night, like eight o'clock, just mad people.

And I'm just and I just go, shut the fuck the fuck up bitch in front of all these people and they were like they're like all these white families from Long Island are just like Jesus Christ and two Fridays how good does that feel I've been listening to Eminem in the car yeah yeah yeah I mean I don't have a personality my personality is Marshall Mathers

shut the fuck up bitch I'm driving to California with your body dead and two Fridays you know they didn't fire me. Oh, wow. I thought you were going to say two Fridays credit. They fired you instantly. No, no, no. For their credit, they did not fire you.

I was going to say, on Fridays in Long Island, you got to do a little more than say, shut the fuck up, bitch. The Fridays by Walt Whitman Mall, which is not a Fridays anymore, but it's like it's some fucking restaurant. Shut the fuck up, bitch. God, that's like a dream. Oh, it's the best. Shut the fuck up, bitch. So, you know, you dream. It's the best. Shut the fuck up, bitch. So you missed on the dog walker lady who wanted to fuck you. But you hit a home run on the berate your co-worker.

Just the best feeling. And it must have been after a middle school chorus thing because there were tons of kids there, dude. It was crazy. There were so many people. They were probably like, we're all going to Friday's after the chorus. And then I'm like, shut the fuck up, bitch.

I got earrings, dyed hair probably. It was bad. You really were on that Marshall Mathers shit, man. I wanted to be a rapper for the longest time. Oh, yeah. Did you make any music? No. No.

It's just. It's okay. It's too embarrassing, man. It's very. You have to be. I'll tell you what. To look like we look, you have to be awesome. You have to be really good.

Like little Dickie is a fucking man, dude. He's so good. You have to be like very smart with incredible skills because you have to overcome so much more when you look like that. For sure. You have to be really good. And a lot of people are not good. No. You know?

I bought, this was like during quarantine i was listening to a lot of like dicky and you know g easy bunch of white rappers and i was like god i want this so bad and i bought like with all the pua money i bought like a whole rapping setup like i bought the con a microphone i bought that thing that goes like, you know, like a very small soundproof thing and a big expensive 200. This must have cost me 300 bucks for no...

I'm not going to start a career as a rapper and I'm just spending all this money looking at this thing collecting dust in my room. I bought turntables once when I was younger. Really? I was like yeah i'm gonna like fucking scratch or whatever and i just would put one record on and go like and that was it yeah that itches the scratch that's it i'm done i'm a dj all of a sudden

it's did you ever even record anything try it did you ever i wrote bars did you ever freestyle i had this idea during corona i wrote this little rap about trying to guess, like trying to remember Donald Faison's name. You know, the guy who played the black guy from Scrubs? Oh, I know Donald Faison well. I think it was. I don't want to do it. Is it recorded? I have it recorded somewhere, but I'm never going to play that.

I'm never going to put it anywhere. We should play that in this interview. I can. No, I don't have it like that. It's on my computer in a garage. No, I'm saying, yeah, you send it to us. We will put it in this interview. All right, I'll I don't have it like that. It's on my computer in a garage van. No, I'm saying, yeah, you send it to us. We will put it in this interview.

All right, I'll send it to you guys. It will be. That's great because it gives me time to make it at least a little bit listenable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it'll be like, it's like embedded in this interview. So, you know, some people hear it, but not everybody. Not everybody. You have to freak out about it.

But I will tell you, I'll tell you this. It ain't bad. It ain't bad. It ain't bad. I got a little – You got the bars. I got a little swagger to you. I get it. I get it.

I see the earring. I put the earrings in and I just – this is very recent too. I really just wanted to lean into that guy. I can tell. All right. It was a recent addition, the earring. Well, I've always had piercings, but I was just like – When you're in comedy, you're like, like i gotta look like this and i gotta do that

and then you realize you're like well no i want to look different i have to look different so people will want to listen to me and look at me right you know gotta make this somehow tolerable i know i know and i'm also like i haven't had pussy in like eight months i have to we gotta pull out all the tricks here i don't think any chick looks at my my earrings and they're like oh my god i'm dripping wet yeah i don't know i don't know does it look good i have no idea all right we're gonna go uh answer the internet. We're going to go next door. And I feel like we're going to have a good time. I've got some issues that nobody can see. And all of these emotions are pouring out of me.

I bring them to the life of you. It's only like this is the soundtrack to my life. The soundtrack to my life. To my life. to my life. The soundtrack to my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life.

To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life.

To my life. To my life. Yeah.