KFC Radio - Bryan Callen, Bill Pullman, and Choose Your Superpower

Episode Date: June 20, 2019

Bryan Callen tells the outrageous viking kid story and discusses his special Complicated Apes. Bill Pullman chats about Space Balls, Independence Day, the President Whitmore speech and The Sinner. Would you eat granola for 2 weeks straight for free food for life? Would you sit in traffic for 2 weeks to never hit traffic again? How do you get someone to stop sending you nudes? YouPorn wedding proposals. THE OFFICE: credit cards, doggy sex, could you survive the Titanic? What superpower would you pick if it can with zero responsibility?You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio presented by Postmates. Today's brought to you by Brooklyn and nothing better than laying in a bed with fresh sheets, fresh pillowcases, a fresh duvet. Some of you out there probably calling it a dovet. Nope, it's a duvet. And it's a giant pillowcase for your comforter and let me tell you i'll be honest i have one because i got with with my all my stuff they sent one uh-huh didn't know what the hell it was so

it's still sitting in my closet oh yeah yeah it's it's a pillow it's a pillowcase for your comfort what am i supposed to do with it this thing is this is just a huge bag but think about it you you clean your pillowcase right because your head is all up on your pillow and it's disgusting, and then you just cover it back up with a fresh one. Well, most people are just laying on their comforter, and that gets gross, and then you don't wash your comforter. So you can wash the duvet. Yeah, I don't wash the comforters.

Yeah, you should, man. Have you seen? No, you don't go on the subway. Brooklyn has subway ads out, and they are gross. They're like statistics. They're like every pillowcase has over 7 million fungi. And the average person doesn't wash their sheets for seven years. And gross stuff like that really makes me want to puke.

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We got new lights. I don't know how we're going to look. I think we're going to look ugly. I know how we're going to look ugly. They put them in. They said, this is going to make you look better, which we, by the way, didn't request. we're going to look. I think we're going to look ugly. I know how we're going to look. Ugly. They put them in. They said, this is going to make you look better. Which we, by the way, didn't request. No. Didn't request.

But that's someone going, oh, boy, these guys need to look better. Barstoolgold.com slash KFC. I'm sure people have been watching going, these guys are ugly. We got the yellow hospital light. We look like we were filmed in Mexico. You know what this makes me feel like? Anytime they do something in Mexico, it's always just like it's got a filter on it. It's a little bit yellow.

This makes me think of the blue filter from Ozarks. I feel like we've got a blue tint to us. I'm going to have white hair. We're going to look so... I asked Nick, I go, Nick, how do we look? He's like, well, I closed down the iris and I opened up the restrictors on the coloring.

I was like, God. So basically you're Photoshopping us to make us look okay. You know what I want to do from now on? Not be ugly? I want to, we just record in a quiet room, right? No cameras, no nothing. Okay. We get two people with good bodies.

Yeah. People come, they have scripts. They got to be perfect. They got to be great actors. They got to do like the whole, a little bit of talk over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just some fucking supermodel

be like, I'm going to kill myself. Maybe like, maybe we could just deep fake it. I don't know if that's possible. We'll just deep fake these.

Let's get, let's go slap our faces. I think we should do a model search. I think we should find the good looking fights in the good looking KFC. There's an idea.

And you have stunt doubles. I don't like when other people say these things. I can make fun of myself. I mean, I'm a good looking person. I know I'm not, but come on. I mean, this light makes me feel like you're seeing inside my skin.

I got this fake fucking tooth glued on. I'm sure you can see that now. Smile. Can you see the line? No. No? Not way too far away. Okay, that's good. These like supersonic Hubble telescope lights, I thought you were going to be able to see everything. This is definitely lighting that is designed for people to wear makeup. Who's on the podcast today? Brian

Callen. Brian Callen is a certified lunatic. He's a crazy person. And Bill Pullman. And Bill Pullman is also a crazy person. Bill Pullman's a nice guy. Brian Callen. Brian Callen. The term psychopath, sociopath, and crazy is way overused.

That guy has a screw loose. Yeah. Did you see the video he sent to Chris D'Elia? Yeah. Did you see that? He sent – D'Elia just posted it on his Instagram. He woke up. He was like, I just woke up to this message from Callan.

It's just Callan, shirt off, just flexing in every different position, and then he comes up close to the camera. He's like, you don't want to see my legs do you i'm 16 years older than you my legs will hurt your feelings okay like it's just flexing like a fucking psycho man i mean he is from another planet did you see that and the video that's what my dad does by the way he sends you videos of himself flexing not like he won't send me videos but like if i'm home and he'll come into my room and be like, do you want to go work out? I'm like, no.

And he'll fucking bust out his calves and be like, you don't want any of this. I know, dude. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I don't. I don't. He sent me a video after the interview. I followed up with him.

I just said thank you. And he just sent me a video from the back of the cab right after he left. And he zoomed in on his teeth smiling and he was like you can achieve anything you set your mind to it's like fucking no you can't he does tell one of the funnier stories i've ever heard oh my god the story about the viking kid yeah is i mean it it's it's like you it's like you like if you had told me that story i'd be like believe it believe it so you are the viking kid brian callan one of the funniest interviews we've ever done it got to It's like you. It's like you. Like, if you had told me that story, I'd be like, believe it. Believe it. So you are the Viking kid. Brian Callen, one of the funniest interviews we've ever done.

It got to the point where I just stopped talking. Like, he would pause, and it would be like, okay, this is clearly now the time for the host to, like, ask another question or keep the conversation going. And I just stayed quiet, A, because I was a little bit scared, and B, because I was like, I don't know what's going to come out of your mouth next. Yeah, just let you go. Just let you. You now run this show dude uh so yeah he's

on the show with the regular lighting bill palman we talk a little independence day a little bit of the center a little bit space balls so he's a fucking legend big things going on but uh i just can't get over these fucking lights man you know what it is we do need makeup we are on camera more than anybody who has makeup yeah that's true people who do like a four minute hit on the radio on tv get makeup we're on camera for 12 hours a day and we just i never thought of that we just show up looking ugly every day but like also if i came in and they're like, okay, head over to makeup. No. Oh, no. Me? I don't want makeup. I don't fucking care, man.

I know what I look like. Yeah, but you would be pretty. You wouldn't look like that. You'd be look bad. Yeah, but I know what I really know. You get one taste of the makeup life and you'd be like, okay. Yeah, I don't have ever had it. I had it on the one time I ever wake up.

I put it on myself and it was when i was on 2020 and uh remember when i was trying to get that uh lesbian chinese girl to fall in love with me yes yes yes and classic i was on uh for those who don't know for those who are new listeners or new stoolies whatever you want to call it um there was a tycoon in china god i want to be a tycoon so bad who had lots of money i believe he was giving i think it was like 500 million dollars absurd money to anybody who could turn his daughter straight right hated his lesbian daughter and uh and i took a crack at it and i guess caught the caught the attention of abc they had me on 2020 just a skype interview um but it was the it was a couple of days after the university of miami fight on a blackout tour so i had two black eyes for it you should have just rolled up like that so here i am tycoon i had i put on like just under eye

makeup i just went to like concealer Concealers and shit. Went to like Duane Reade or CVS and a very sweet black woman was like, child, what are you looking for? And I was like, makeup. Can you tell? For this. And she helped me out. She was like doing skin tones with me and all that.

And I just got to the office or the bathroom at Barstool HQ in Milton and was just like – I didn't have a brush. I didn't have anything. Like eye black? That's exactly what I did. I put on my fingertips. I was just like, all right. Here we go.

I probably looked like Frank Reynolds in Frank's Beauties. It's like a mortician had painted me. I gave it a crack. When you – even just like dabbling in the world of makeup, just like seeing how much shit there is. Like when you go, you know, like walk down the aisle, it's like they have every shade. Girls are ugly, all of them. And they just paint a pretty face on.

Like when guys are like, you look so much prettier without makeup. No, they don't, bro. They have a lot of makeup on. No, they don't. I think girls will tell you that. Like when guys say, like, you look better natural, like I'm wearing a shitload of makeup still. Yeah, they go to the gym wearing eyeliner and foundation and all the blush or

whatever the fuck it is before you ever settle down with a girl you you throw her in the pool you hit her with a hose first because you don't know you don't know what she looks like that's i forget something there like that what that's been like the common phrase and then but like girl i forget what it is now girls have something in response. It's like, make him take his shoes off or something like that. Guys are wearing lifts and shit. Fair. Fair enough. All right.

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It was four expensive cookies. So it was still like. Well, it's still Manhattan, right? Yeah. What was it? Like insomnia cookies? That type of thing? Yeah.

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The next seven days, you get $100 off anything you get delivered on Postmates. That's promo code KFC. Start living today. There's a new contender for tackiest proposal of all time. Currently, what would you rank as the tackiest proposals of all time? Jumbotron won. one yep um two i would go flash mob those are a little bit played out now but like every years ago when we were a long run just a long time ago was it oh so many videos of that oh my god uh anything with a song with a song

yeah it doesn't have a flash mob but like if even if you're just singing okay um anything where it's like anything where people are already there to me it's a very intimate moment yeah like like proposing in like a at like a restaurant yeah and like everybody claps afterwards trash or even like you have your friends over at some private place you propose somewhere and then you want to meet them fine yeah they're there right for it it's almost like tricking them. If someone does that to me, I'm going to say yes, no matter what. I didn't want to do this.

Yeah, I can't say no in front of these people. I mean, the mid-court stuff isn't really jumbotron, but it's still kind of the same. Yeah, sporting events, number one. Over-the-top, cheesy music, number two. I saw a guy do a scavenger hunt once. It was like a nine-minute YouTube video. He had her like run around town And at the end it was a ring

Too much You tell me I saw a cool one where a guy He was a video game designer And he redid The first level of Mario Sick And so when the flag went up

Like behind the screen The ring came up Dope There was a ring The flag was a ring Yeah yeah yeah And it came up behind it That's fucking

See that's pretty cool. And I'm sure that's a gamer couple, so they're like, she's super into it. Like, if I gave that to my girl, she wouldn't be able to beat the first level of Mario. She'd keep dying. Give me the sticks! Fuck it, you can't even get over the thing.

I got killed by the flower that clips you. What the fuck, man? Come on, just get to the end. Well, this is either... I don't know, you tell me. This is either tackiest ever, or just get to the end. Well, this is either, I don't know, you tell me. This is either tackiest ever or just straight up romance. You can now propose on YouPorn. How?

They are giving one lucky lovebird the truly unique lifetime opportunity to propose to the significant other on the pornography streaming platform. Expectations for the most unique proposals are at an all-time high. This once-in-a-l a lifetime moment will ever be forgotten um you have to submit a paragraph gushing about why you would like to propose to your partner on you on you porn and then uh i i don't know i i got imagine you just make yourself you know you make a video of you proposing and then uh they will display the proposal video for a full 24 hours. In where? Where will the on you born? But like, how do you find it?

Well, I would imagine much like a pinned tweet or something like that, or like a promoted video. Like, I bet you when you like it'll it'll be like sticky to the top because right now right now, if I go right to you porn. Oh, it has a recommended for you on here, John. You're you porn guy. I don't know if I don't think so. YouPorn. Oh, it has a recommended for you on here, John. You're a YouPorn guy? You dabble around? I don't know.

I don't think so, but... Well, right now, at the top of YouPorn... I'm sure I've checked it out. It's not a regular, but... There are three real orgasmic convulsions, cum shots two, horny milf in home massage therapist takes her clients, and quivering, moaning, tiny, petite, skinny babe orgasms

on super thick cock. Those are my recommended videos. Wouldn't be recommended for me. That's how I know it's fugazi. I mean, recommended categories for you. MILF, amateur, teen, Asian, big butt. Those are not my John. No.

Not my guy. No. Not my guy. Hot videos in America is come 4K. That shit's wild. That shit's too much. Too much. Multiple leaking loads on Father's Day. Step too much multiple leaking loads on father's day

stepdad blows in the girl on father's day anal cream pie gangbang uh don't fuck my daughter so i would imagine on here somewhere uh maybe right next to two sluts give pleasure to themselves would be like pow your proposal video now i think most people are obviously this is a little too much for them but if you are like a kinky porn couple i think this is probably super romantic i mean it takes a very special type yeah like if you're yeah like or what if you're one of these these porn couples you know like that'd be perfect yeah i mean i guess so it. If no face girl got proposed to on a porn site, she'd probably be over the moon. Or would she be like, you're ruining my brand? True.

It's like now they fucking know we're married. But I don't know. Those couples are all about like being couples. Yeah, it didn't really matter with Heather Brooke. You knew it was her husband. That guy had a super long skinny dick. He brought something to the table the uh i don't know it's it's one of those people want to stand out and it's just not

this isn't the platform for it do don't have a fun engagement story just be normal this isn't even a fun one because like whoever you talk about or whoever you tell us to eat it's you're gonna think it's cool and unique and it's just just not. Well, I mean, even that. I think it's going to take a very special set of people and friends for anyone to be like, oh, cool, man. You're on YouPorn. Yeah, it doesn't work. I mean, you got to be like a daddy issues and a fucked up, like, kinky, weird couple. It doesn't work with regular people because, like, I mean, even me, if you did, it's only 24 hours.

Like, I probably won't find that. Yeah. And I'll also, if you can even like, if you can say, you know, like what section it would be in. Yeah.

Like, guess what? If my girlfriend puts it there, it's not going to be in the section. I actually, no, no. If she,

if it's like, yeah, like, uh, I watched, uh, threesomes and it's like, wow,

that's not, that ain't what I'm searching. That video is going to fall on fucking blind eyes. Right. I've never, you need to search my section. Okay. Then you'll find me. The, uh, That ain't what I'm searching. That video is going to fall on fucking blind eyes. Right. I've never been. You need to search speculum. Okay.

Then you'll find me. The. Producer Gale. The. I think we've talked about this before, but just. Be normal. Just do a proposal by yourself. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. I get when you're in love, it feels like you want to share that with the world. But guess what? The world is saying no fucking care. The world doesn't. The world is like, pass. The world is probably rooting against you. Most of your friends and family are probably like, this is not going to work out.

Can you believe he posed on Pornhub? On you porn? Give me a fucking break. I think this would be number one. I was wavering on where I would go with it this would be number one for the like corniest lamest you think this would be worse than jumbo chan why don't you propose to me submit a video to you porn act like you're proposing to me be like yeah it's the same sex podcast couple they go to therapy together and everything and uh and uh we'll get we'll get some uh we'll get some buzz we'll like tag at case your radio on it get like a few million views i feel like everything that goes on a porn site gets a million views that's true we'll just use this like wait oh you have

so you have to submit the video upload the video so episodes is gonna be a ton of i think i think you submit the video i don't think you up like the only one gets uploaded okay it's called you propose on you porn okay and you gotta submit a video gushing about me i can do that that would be funny if you were gushing about me and then they were like okay now you make a second video and on that second video if you were just like download kfc radio follow us on instagram i gotcha bitch oh man don't don't propose on a porn site although i will say this let me just say this if you are like i said some sort of kinky couple and you're like yo like let's tonight we're gonna come home

we're gonna light some candles we're gonna jump into bed together we're gonna pop some porn on and really go after it and then there's also a proposal you're gonna get some sex man you're gonna get some sex if you combine your proposal sex with your we're watching porn together sex you're gonna get some sex yeah yeah yeah you definitely are that's but that's like about it the rest of it is going to be a catastrophe porn together is a weird thing i i've never really like briefly done it but i've never been like oh i think it can be pretty effective it's so it's so pressure-packed really what yeah is like Again, it's like, you might be comfortable with your girl,

or are you porn-comfortable with your girl? It's a whole different thing. A whole different thing. But if you find that, and you can put on some real shit, you're going to open up some doors, I think. I'll tell you what, I actually think it's probably good to do it now

with all these couples. I think that actually would help. If you told your girl, this is actually like a married couple and they fuck but yeah those couples do some things you're not getting like soft core shit from them you're just like yeah this is like a married couple watch what they do and then you're like hey we could do it too you're probably gonna learn some things probably gonna teach your girl some things uh all right one more topic here uh we've been talking about the Reddit page, Am I the Asshole, which is – We did it on Barstool Gold.

Oh, all right, on Barstool Gold. We talked about the Reddit. New episodes out there, barstoolgold.com. We talked about a lot of things on that. Me and John might go to couples therapy together. Yes. So go watch that, barstoolgold.com. But Am I the Asshole is a Reddit page where people submit their stories about things that they've done or said,

and they're wondering whether they're in the wrong or whether they are in the clear, which is very, uh, very KFC radio. So we're going to do a quick, am I the asshole here before we get into our voicemails brought to you by Duncan donuts,

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offer. Exclusions apply. Go-to's. $2, $4, $5. Get the best breakfast foods available. Am I the asshole for telling my husband to shut the fuck up and calling him a crybaby in front of his mom and sisters? What was he doing? So, I mean, like, right there, do you even, like, can I even tell you a story where you would be like? Yes.

Yes. Okay. Absolutely. Okay. Absolutely. Because the top comment says, I'm not even reading this. once you get into calling people crybabies and telling them to shut the fuck up in front of their family you're the asshole i'm with you it's that tone matters but like well stop being a crybaby shut the fuck up well okay let me tell you the story this is

gonna be interesting because i think a lot of people would be like no you just can't do that and i think other people are gonna be like this i can't tell her you can tell me you can't tell a girl no matter what shut the fuck up you're being a crybaby not in front of her family because of gender roles or whatever yeah yeah i agree with that you tell a girl shut the fuck up crybaby in front of people it's like you're abusive you're going to jail if a girl does it but that's kind of bullshit i'm gonna read you the story i think it's right on the border my husband and my and i have been married for seven years both mid-30s together for 10 years i love the man to pieces but the thing is my man has no ability to make decisions on nothing nada zero if he's hungry he'll come tell me that he's hungry he's not disabled he's more than capable of making food but he has to just come tell me

we have bills to pay he's more than capable of making a call but no he tells me we have a bill to pay and i end up doing it um so shit like that. Today we're visiting his family and his mom asked him to run to the store. And of course he asked me to go with him. I said, no, he was whining and then asked me why for a second. I thought my, I thought our, I thought our three year old niece was talking to me. I told him he was more than capable of going on his own. His mom gave him a picture of the items to pick up and he didn't need him to go with me. He then said, whining like a child. Oh, come on come on come with me i don't want to mess it up i snapped i was so angry with his mom and sister right there i told him to shut the fuck up and stop whining you cry baby he told me i was

rude heartless and disrespectful neither him nor his mother will talk to me and we're stuck on vacation for the next nine days jesus am i the God, that's a tough one. I think that's so borderline, and I think this is very much like, if you just look at this one story, you're kind of the asshole. And everyone's saying it. She puts it in an edit. She says, apparently I'm the absolute worst asshole who's ever walked the planet. I'll go crawling back to my husband and beg for forgiveness.

And then she edits one more time and says, I don't know if this matters, but I did ask him to stop multiple times. I was tired. I asked him to stop. Please, please, please, please stop whining like a child, and he was poking my arm. The mom joined in and said, go with him, and then I snapped. So she's just pleading her case.

In this one instance, I think you would be like, oh, that's fucked up. But if you live this for 10 years, I think you're totally justified. I think if you live that for a day. Yeah. I think the arm poking and shit like that it's shit like you are like a little kid you're being fucked up i think also you can you can very much tell when someone snaps right it's like and after that it's easier to forgive like yeah look they snapped right it's like that wasn't them you could see you could hear it in their voice you could see it in their eyes they went too far they know it right it wasn't just an everyday occurrence. You immediately finished what you said.

I did that with YP when I choked him out, and I was immediately like, fuck, that was too much. And I was like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's my bad. And he ended up getting mad at me for apologizing too much. I was like, I feel bad. I snapped. You know when you went too far.

You black out. You see red, and that shit happens. You wish you could just take the words and put them back in your mouth. You know when you went too far. You black out. You see red. Yep. And that shit happens. You wish you could just take the words and put them back in your mouth. You know when you went too far. And when you do that, you're trying to hurt someone. And that's – it's not right. But it's more understandable than just someone being like a serial killer, just like deadpan. Like you're a fucking crybaby.

Yeah. Stop it. I hate your guts. Stop it. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. She went too far. And you got the in-laws involved.

I bet you a lot of people feel this and maybe some of them act on it. But I bet you this is not like something's wrong with you. You're abusive sort of like you're the asshole. I feel like if you are. My mom is such a dick to my dad all the time. But then sometimes you see how dopey my dad is. I'm like, I fucking get it. You know, like if I if he was doing dumb shit like that to me for 30 years i'd be like you're a fucking idiot that's what i mean

like i feel like if you're the parent of someone in a relationship you should almost always side with the significant other because you're like i get it yeah you should know like i especially like women like the mom should be like oh yeah listen guys are fucking dopey we are not capable actually we're capable we just don't want to do this shit. Like I can go to the store, but if I just bug you enough, you're going to go to the store. And that's what this guy's doing. And she's calling him on it.

So I think it's all fair. Like I think that like the bill paying thing, like if my wife in 15 years is like, I'm so sick of paying your fucking bills, like shut the fuck up and just do it yourself. My mom would be like yeah yeah i did it i did it for your son for my sons for my husband yeah fucking a thousand percent i do think doing shit like that in front of the in-laws is always a bit much or friends like like relationship stuff should stay behind closed doors i'm very much a locker room like like you can be like we're gonna talk about this later and it's like oh fuck i'm in trouble and then behind the door

we're never doing this again yes this is bullshit this sucks right so you need to you need to pull We're going to talk about this later. And it's like, oh, fuck. I'm in trouble. And then behind the door, you can shut the fuck up. And I'm like, we're never doing this again. This is bullshit. This sucks. Right. You need to pull it together. Any sort of crying or fighting in public, you are the assholes. So this couple is the assholes.

Yeah. How hard is it to just not talk in public? If you're mad, just sit there quietly and be like. That's always been the last straw for me. And when I say last straw, I mean I knew that the relationship was done and i carried it on for several more years because i don't want to break up with people but like the moment you're having that fight in public it's just like do you do you fuck are we doing here participate as well like i'll just be like this is yeah like i'm just i'm going home like i'm just gonna walk and you better follow me because we gotta get the fuck out of

public so you congratulations you guys are both the assholes. You're the asshole for doing it in front of people. He's the asshole for being a crybaby and letting it happen in front of people. Your relationship sucks. Get into the office. It's presented by KiwiCo. Shout out to all my parents out there who are trying to keep their kids occupied. Shout out to all my single dads out there who don't know like what to go fucking buy.

Just have it delivered to you with KiwiCo. I got a bunch of boxes delivered right to the office. I'm going right home with them. One was medieval dragon fun. So a little box, you open it up and there's like arts and crafts. You make a dragon. One was called fun with hydraulics.

Whoa. It was like, uh, you like build this set. It had like syringes and tubes with air, all these like really intense, uh, like cool type of activities for your young kids to learn how to be creative and confident and innovative. KiwiCo.

It's cool hands-on projects for kids that makes them learn about science, technology, engineering, art, and math. They call that STEAM. Science, technology, engineering, art, math. No. Yeah. STEM. STEAM. S-T-E-A-M. STEAM. Science, technology, engineering, art, math. No. Yeah. STEM. STEAM. S-T-E-A-M.

STEAM. So STEM is tech then? I've heard STEM. I've never heard STEAM. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not sure, bro. They have boxes. No.

Science, technology. No, tech. Let me see that. Science, technology, engineering, art, and math. S-T-E-A-M. You need to learn like a child. I think maybe regular people don't say the and. Oh, it's art?

Yeah. How does and? They must have added art at some point. Yeah, I had art recently. That's a strange one to me because it doesn't fit with the other ones. Science, technology, math are very different than art. They got the tadpole, koala, kiwi, atlas, doodle, tinker, and eureka crates, depending on how old you are. And you get a new box each month.

This is honestly so perfect for a single parent, single father. Like, I don't know what to like, I don't know what to buy to make my kids learn. My kids are going to be engineers now because of this. So you get a new box each month. It takes all the decision-making out. You know that you're getting some quality creativity into your kids, and you can get your first month free when you go to KiwiCo.com slash KFC.

That's K-I-W-I-C-O dot com slash KFC. Get your first month for free, and every day counts when you're trying to make a difference. So don't miss out on this opportunity. One month free at KiwiCo.com slash KFC. All right, The Office. What do we got, Fights? Let's see.

Today, we have a couple today. I'm going to say the one that we're not going to do. That's some Ellie. It's competitive baking. For sure not. I don't know anything about it. That might be our worst submission ever. I know Ace of Cakes is a thing, I believe.

That's the extent of my knowledge of... There was a Modern Family episode about it as well. Out. Hubs, why do credit cards have expiration dates? I would guess because it's just a security thing. I would guess. Like, your number can get hacked after five years like more so yeah hacked but i get hacked more than anybody in the history of the world i don't get hacked much it's

not going to get hacked i i get hacked like i'll go use my card and be like cards declined i mean well no it's not i have i know what i have in there yeah and they're like well it's the clients will call bank of america like yep it's been compromised happens a couple times a year that's probably because your password is password but also the no it's not my password's actually weird your pin's like one two three four some shit right my pin's closer yes but i have my card so like my pin doesn't matter right right right um i i hate when like i know my number i know my expiration i know my codes my three digit code i get memorized oh yeah i can just rattle that off. When I have to switch, I'm going to hate that. I actually did it the other day.

I think my card was going to expire in 2020, maybe 2021. And I was like, this is the closest I've ever been. Yeah, you made it. Having my card until the expiration date. I didn't forget it at bars. Mine's worn down. The strip doesn't work. The chip doesn't work.

That's what the expiration's for. Oh, the wear and tear. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Because I didn't forget it at bars. Mine's worn down. The strip doesn't work. Oh, it wasn't working. The chip doesn't work. That's what the expiration is for. Oh, the wear and tear. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense because I swipe it or put it in. They're just like it's not reading it. I pull it out and it's like you can see why it's not reading it. Yeah, if I put like our cards to get into the office, hotel cards, like anything that like kills stuff.

Yeah, big time. But the other day, I was getting close to the expiration date and I was feeling good about it because I always – I was like I'm'm 30 years old, and I'm still forgetting cards at bars and shit. Like Jesus Christ. You lose your cell phone and your wallet more than anyone in the world. My phone – this phone is forever old. People make fun of me for how old my phone is now. It's a 6+.

That's true. This is old as shit. I can't talk on it without headphones. Both like – people can't hear me. Sometimes I'll be like, hang on. I'm going to get my headphones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds like you're a mile away yes definitely very annoying the uh but i always have headphones on me so it's pretty quick to get it working but anyway i was feeling pretty good i was like okay this is like a step towards adulthood where you just don't forget cards

and bars on a tuesday night yep and uh i got out of my cab home from LaGuardia on the after game seven. And I was getting my bags. I was tired. I hadn't been to bed. I put my card in to pay because the cab on Uber. Just get all my bags, leave the card in there. And had to immediately go to Bank of America. Decided that at that time it was a good idea to call my mom.

Just because I was like, yeah, I got time to kill. You whiny crybaby. Hadn't been to bed. Bruins just lost game seven to the Stanley Cup. I'm sitting in the Bank of America for 20 minutes on my card. In 30 seconds, she was like, call me back tomorrow. Like, you are a useless human. I didn't even tell her all that.

She could tell, like, I was, she was like, why are her all that she could tell like i was she's like why are you calling me right now and i was like i was like i don't know i guess i'm kind of irritable she's like yeah why did you think that's a good time to call me it's like i don't know that's what you're for mom that's a good question she was calling back tomorrow i was like all right that's a good point i get it well yeah one day you'll become just a full-blown man but right now you're still man baby i got close close you're Close. You were so close. You were like a year away. I was as close as the Bruins were to the Stanley Cup, and it all fell a fucking part.

Next topic. This one's from Nate. He told me not to say who it was from because he got embarrassed of it. It's from Nate. So this question comes from Nate. Do you think there are plus or minus 200 people in the United States who are sexually attracted to dogs?

Who is this from? Nate. Nate did this one. Nate did this one. This one's from Nate. Oh, Barstool Nate. Yes. Eric. Eric.

Who goes by the name Nate. Recently shaved his head, yeah. Eric Nathan. Got it. Over under 200 out of 400 million. I'll take the over. Smash the over. Smash the over.

I've seen videos of like three people. 10x. Remember that was, it was, they're not videos I seek. Remember that was, that video is I Seek Out. It was, this was early Barstool days. Do you remember her? Who? The,

it was the, she was like a masseuse in Maine. She fucked a dog? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't remember the details, but I've definitely seen people fuck dogs.

Yeah. Sex with dogs. Let's just search that real quick. Sex with dogs. It was, it was, she was, it was like Ked's um it was it was she was like ketty bungport too it was like a nice part of maine she was like a masseuse or an escort who was like fucking the rich dudes but also posting videos of her like fucking dogs there's one

and if that like i almost think of it is like you know if you say something on twitter and let's say you get 20 responses that are all like yes like you can extrapolate that because that's the type of people who are online who are going to reply to you. There's probably that many more people who are like silently agreeing. Well, if there's one person who's putting it on the Internet, there's thousands who are doing it behind closed doors. Right. I mean, you see it all the time. There are like the reports of people getting arrested for banging dogs and shit like that. Oh, yeah. I mean, down in Florida alone. That's got to be a really hard thing to get caught at.

So if it's making news that people are getting caught. Plenty of people doing it aren't getting caught. The dog's not telling anybody. Dogs can't report it. No one's ratty. You're so into fucking dogs, you're not even making sure you're alone. I mean, the panhandle alone has 2,000. I mean, if you just search sex with dogs, top link, dirty dog links.

That means it's a whole website dedicated to the links to the dog porn. Free bestiality porn at beastygirls.com. Sex with dogs on animal sex porn tube. There's something called animal sex porn tube. There might be like 10 million people doing this. I was going to say, I'm over 100,000. How about this? Girl have sex with horny dog.

Now the dogs are the one who wants it. Dog with girl sex. Now it's the dogs with the girls. This is crazy. Filthy dog compilation. They have enough to make compilations. There are so many people man filmed girlfriend having sex with dogs gets no jail time how about that 48 year old businessman

accused of filming his girlfriend having sex with dogs was given no jail time good for him yeah uh 50 million take the over 50 now let me clear my search history so i don't go to fucking jail oh look at that browsers and that's you guys the last one here from casey would you have survived the titanic i would have survived the titanic because i would have gone full costanza on everybody i would be stepping on babies and kicking women and shit see i would have found a way i'm a survive like i am a cockroach i like the male time skills would have found a way. I am a survivor. Like I am a cockroach. I like the male time skills would have come into effect there. Like I would have found a way to weasel myself onto some sort of life.

I am, I am decidedly not a survivor and, and I, and that's not even speaking to like what I expect or what, you know, like my current state of mind is or anything like that. That's just, I've been in situations where I'm like,

I might die. And then I was like, guess what? You're still here. You're a survivor're a survivor yeah but no but like i didn't do anything to get out of that situation but maybe that's what you like when i went to columbia when i was just like it's gonna happen when i went to columbia and i got in a cab that i i was told do not get in that cab and i got in one yeah and i i just sat there i was like well it'd be rude to cast to get out like i'd i'd really put a damper on his night if I asked to leave here. Like, what if he's a nice guy?

And he's going to be like, well, that guy, that American was really rude. So I was like, I'm just going wherever this guy takes me. Now, luckily, he took me to my destination. You're a survivor by sheer luck. I did nothing. Yeah, I'm extraordinarily lucky. I'm probably the luckiest person to ever live. When I was a kid, we would put my name in raffles and stuff.

Yeah, you always won. I always won. You win championships and all that shit. You're as lucky as it gets. I'm very, very lucky, but I'm not a survivor. But also, my fear of being rude or being thought of as rude, I'd rather be dead than someone thinks I'm rude. I probably would have been first class obviously and i see yeah you would

survive because you were a white male yeah but i would have been no because i guess everyone was white everyone's titanic right yeah um but i i would have been in line for the lifeboats and i'd be like oh you go first you you you go right ahead you got a kid sure sure you right like like i do the woman and children and i did well your wife because i'm like i got nothing to live for like i'd be like oh your wife and kid already left like go get yeah no i would want to live i get what you're saying i i would find a way to get on there like i would i'd be like oh well i uh like i i i invented these life rafts oh you need me like i know how these function like put me on there and then by the time we get out there like oh i was lying like i don't know how this fucking works man it's a boat just floats just paddle man yeah no we don't they work

we're on a bigger one it's just it's going down so we're getting a smaller one now we have done i told you guys i had some brilliant insight it's water displacement remember the guy got a tub we get buoyancy yeah yeah uh i i think yeah like like literal survival mode like if you put me in like the jungle and tried like i would die in a heartbeat. But like scheming, scamming survival mode, I think, you know, getting through things professionally and socially. Oh, I can do that. I can snake it till you make it. It's the same thing as, you know, anytime I was at lunch on Saturday afternoon.

Beautiful lunch right by the water. And food was terrible. Terrible. And I was in the middle of like complaining about how bad it was. This is fucking disgusting. It was like all like really thick sauces. It was like this tastes like a lean cuisine. It was like a fucking $50 mahi.

And as I'm like in the middle of ranting and bitching, the waitress comes over. She's like, how's everything? Delicious. Absolutely. Fantastic. The best meal I've ever had. Here comes your biggest tip ever. Thank you so much. I will recommend this restaurant. If I was in

Titanic, this food is so good I'd let you go in front of me. Let's get into these voicemails. They're brought to you by DHM, the hangover pill. It is the go-to for preventing hangovers. No more brain fog, nausea, headaches, anxiety.

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It's d-h-m-d-e-t-o-x.com. Use the promo code KFC20 at checkout, and you'll get 20% off your order. It's dhmdetox. Follow him on Instagram, dhmdetox. If you've got any questions, you can message him there. And there's free shipping if you buy more than just a couple boxes. DHM Detox, promo code KFC20 at checkout. All right, so let's do these voicemails. First up, what do we got, Nicky?

What's up, KFC Radio? My name is Robby. I have a quick question for you guys. I know Fight Up World's bitch ass is going to say something weird about it. All right, so here's a hypothetical. You can only eat granola bars and only granola bars for one year and if you accomplish that goal you have food free for the rest of your life i know you guys are gonna think oh granola bars are easy but legitimately like you will get malnourished like you will become a kid from kenya so let me know if you think granola bars and only granola bars for a year and then you get food free for the rest i just had a granola bar and i do not eat granola bars the granola bars for a year. And then you get food free for the rest of your life. I just had a granola bar and I do not eat granola bars.

The granola bars are delicious. Well, this one was chocolate chip. Yeah. All granola bars are chocolate chip. We're not doing this fucking Nature Valley oats and honey fucking wood chipper bullshit that makes a mess of your bed and your car and goes everywhere. Okay. I've had a couple.

I was going to say, the guy knows his age. You want to know how reckless I am? I've had a Nature Valley oats and honey bar in my bed before. Throw caution to the wind, you badass motherfucker. Dude, people who jump out of buildings don't fucking know. For weeks after that, because it takes me weeks to wash my sheets. For weeks after that, I'd be rolling this shit. Just oats and shit floating everywhere.

This kid starved by a half a tree. Oh, that's terrible. I mean, I don't even necessarily really like the chocolate ones but what i just ate was perfectly serviceable i was looking for pop tarts we're out of pop tarts i grabbed a granola bar for i mean i've only had probably three granola bars my entire life what yeah i don't fuck with granola bars why i don't like them like it wasn't like your like i mean this one was i don't think it was ever up to me well that's the thing you know what like we yeah my mom she didn't get us.

She got us Nutri-Grain bars. We ate those. I like those. Those are sneaky. Like, they're supposed to be healthy. They're not. Those are like Pop-Tarts. Nothing healthy.

Anything that tastes good is not healthy, basically. But my whole point here is that I don't have much experience with granola bars. I don't really like them. That one that I ate was fine. And by the way, I don't think you'd end up malnourished. That's what I mean. I don't get that them. That one that I ate was fine. And by the way, I don't think you'd end up malnourished. That's what I mean. I don't get that.

Why would I end up malnourished? If I get to eat one of them per day, I understand. But if I can have a handful of granola bars for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I'm pretty sure you'll be fully nourished. Maybe not fully, but you're not going to be starving

like a child. I won't get my vegetable recommendation. Guess what? I don't get that anyway. Can I drink a V8 with it? I like's cheating no i'm not gonna allow that why v8 is just juice no that because because you literally asked the question am i allowed to so no like yeah but you know that it's a loophole it's not a loophole it's getting your vegetables but it's like it's just juice it's literally just a juice i get on airplanes all the time now you

can do water and granola bars no that's that's different. Now you're taking away alcohol. Alcohol is never a stipulation here. Fine, you can have alcohol, but you can't have Bloody Marys. That was number two. I mean, yeah, I'd give it a whack. I mean, there's no downside, right? Yeah, I mean. So you get six months in, you're like, I need a cheeseburger.

I mean, it would be terrible. Don't get me wrong. Like anything. You shit in your fucking pants all the time. Yeah, they make you shit. Fiber. Yeah. Fiber is.

But, I mean, the free food for life is, I mean, I spend so much money on it. I mean, it's literally for millions and millions of dollars. Yeah. Right. I mean, free. And when it is free, it's like two lobsters for my good man. Like, take a bite of it. Like, I need another one. You know? It's like when you're at an open bar and you're like, oh, is this my good man. Take a bite of it. I need another one.

It's like when you're at an open bar and you're like, oh, is this my drink or that? It doesn't matter. I'm going to get a new one. That's what I would do with food. Is that my cheeseburger? I don't know. I'll get two. Whatever.

Fuck it. Filet mignon every night. Lobster every night. Kobe beef every night. Fuck you. I think I like Grinobar. As a kid, it was never – those were my snacks I got. We didn't have fruit snacks.

I guess sometimes we would, but those were... My mom just fed us donuts. Those were special occasions. Cookies, donuts, brownies, crumb cake, Danish. We ate fucking white trash fat people. It was glorious. I liked going to that friend's house. We were that house.

But then when you went to any other house, it sucked. Let's go back. Oh then when you went to any other house, it was like, this sucks. Let's go back. Oh, my God. My friends would be like, the parents would be like, why don't you have some carrots with peanut butter? I don't know. Fuck. Oh, my mom loved making ants on a log.

What's that? Ants on a log, celery, peanut butter in the middle, and then raisins on top. I would legitimately not be friends with that. I wouldn't go to your house. It was, yeah. I wouldn't go to your house. It was, yeah. I wouldn't go to your house. I don't think they brought a strict house. We just didn't want fat kids.

No fatties. Yeah, she also, like, my mom was like, go play outside. Yeah. It wasn't like, usually that person's house that you're describing, your own, was like, you can just play video games all day. Oh, I was going to say, we had Nintendo 64. We had all the snacks, all soda and a pool we were the house to be at we would like i i had that that's actually very much my friend's house was they had all the snacks also all like all

from like bjs too like not like a little bag of snacks like monster size king size everything gallons of whole iron punch yeah all that shit had a pool dad swore it was all cool yeah but uh you could watch like horror movies at my house like yeah i was watching nightmare on elm street you're seven that's okay that was the first place i saw porn at that house and it was it was totally accidentally my grandma had a black box we were watching we could watch porn at my grandma's house we were watching wrestling on the black box and it just i still don't know what happened to this day it just kind of flipped over changed yeah and it was just like oh this is porn now yeah i think like the pay-per-view probably ended you know and then no it was it was mid-match oh me man at first it was like what the fuck okay

let's see what happens and it was like it was it was a secretary with a bush getting fucked in the ass on a desk. And I was like. Dumbfounded. I was just like, that's sex? Yeah. Crazy. You put it in the butt? That hole is the one you do, huh?

No kidding, huh? Yeah. I was like, this is pretty. Tell you what, I was going to guess that. I was going to guess that's the one you go to. The good thing I saw that. that i was gonna do it way differently i'm just gonna put it in a vagina i would have looked like an idiot the um but yeah so i mean i try it i think it's uh i think i've spent a good amount of my life

training to this you know i've had a lull but my my stomach from younger we're talking about the granola bars again. Yes. Not the butt fucking. Not the butt fucking. Okay. No, I spend not much of my life training for that. It's just crazy how close the butt and the vagina are.

It is too close. It's so close. It's kind of nice. It's like a piece of paper. Yeah, it's kind of like a nice close though. It's convenient at times, you know? It's convenient at times. Come on, it's right there.

Also, I don't know. Well, now you have to say it. It's funny to put a finger in the butt to feel your own dick. Or you can see your finger, you know what I mean? You can poke it out with your finger from the inside.

It's funny. It's very funny. It's not even erotic. It's just funny. It's almost interesting. It's like science. I'm like, wow. I can feel it. It's like, hey, we're there.

Maybe you are. I'm busy. I'm writing an experiment. This is a scientific experiment. My finger is the control, and my dick is the fucking variable. Girls, it's funny. Your butts are close to your face. So I was thinking about this, and I want to get y'all's take on it.

So what unique ability from a fictional character or group of people would you guys want to have without the social or societal responsibilities? So a lot of people naturally would probably be inclined to go like Spider-Man or any of the other

Avengers or superheroes or anything like that. Personally, I think I'd want to have the abilities of a Jedi, be able to use the Force and Jedi mind tricks and whatnot. Also, I'm a short guy, so I want to be able to jump high and dunk on people while I'm playing basketball, stuff like that. I'd also be able to turn around and cross the room. Superpower, but without having to like actually you know save the world sort of thing

no responsibility that comes along with like I'm not sure that's how you guys would use your super powers regardless no but

I'd be Jessica Jones but yo I don't want to do this shit leave me alone yeah yeah okay so you get to be Jessica Jones you get to

you're just gonna like deny the I don't even know what her super power is but she's just tough right yeah I think so I think so yeah

Jessica Jones when I was weird like modern she's like the, right? Yeah, I think so. I think so, yeah. Jessica Jones is one of those weird, modern superheroes. She's like the anti-hero. Yeah. She's so hot, though. I love her. Yeah, I love Kristen Ritter. Love her. She's great.

Kristen Ritter, and then there's another one who looks like her I always get her confused with, who I love, too. She's a new girl. She was Nick's lawyer girlfriend and new girl. I'm going to figure it out real quick. Yo, by the way, I watched an episode of the Netflix series What If? It's a it's gonna be it's a terrible show but it's oh i saw it looks like susan serena on the cover it's uh

renee zellweger is in it that is and there's a hot lizzie caplan is the other one i don't think i know what it is lizzie caplan is um you know her i think she was in uh masters of sex or that's better yeah yeah no no No, that's not Kristen Ritter. I wouldn't know that. I think. Yeah. The premise of What If? This chick.

Party Down, which is the most underrated show ever. She was in that. This girl owns a biotech medical company, and she's desperately trying to get it sold. She's leveraged all of her money and loans and can't pay her employees and renee selweger wedger is like a baller she's like this shrewd nasty tycoon businesswoman and she flat out propositions says uh if you let me fuck your boyfriend your husband like i'll buy

your company for 80 million dollars it's like no braininer right yes all around it's a no-brainer but like as long as stipulations we don't have to stay together with the girl i'd probably end up breaking up with my girlfriend if i like watched her have sex with somebody else no so it was just like so they signed if i knew okay well that's what's it so that's why i asked so they sign a contract it says you are not able to speak to anybody about this even her like if you speak about what happens there and to be honest i think later in the series i think it's going to turn out that like they didn't fuck i think it's much more like nefarious she's like using him to like kill somebody or some shit but it says you can't talk about it at all so one night it's your company so let's say we're dating it's your company you're the one who's

like dream is coming true you're also the the one who's fucked money-wise. And somebody fucked me. But we'd never talk about it again. You just think the seed of doubt would fuck me. No, I wouldn't be able to do it. I would take the $80 million over the relationship. But then it would... If the situation is I have to stay together,

I'd be like, yeah, you can fuck me. Fine. We're done. Or maybe we can stay together for a little like yeah you could fuck fine we're done or or maybe we can stay together for a little bit i was gonna say fake it for a little bit yeah i'd try and get through it i wouldn't but um i actually think that knowing would maybe be better i think the only way that it could that i could even potentially make it and that's like a one percent chance is if we talked about it because if i just was if my imagination was running wild and you were never able to talk about it, it would drive me crazy.

Like if I had something I knew happened, make fucking tell me. And then, and I'd probably would, then I would probably still dump you. I'd be like, but I mean, you didn't,

you didn't have to fuck him in the ass. Like why did you, you know what I mean? Like, why'd you do it like that? But, uh, I would at least would have to like,

let's try to address this. Cause I think just leaving it in the dark would eat at me even more. That's kind of like an episode of 30 Rock called – fuck, what is it? Something Larry. I forget. But the – it's a holiday and it's like anything can happen on that day. And Liz – Tina Fey runs into one of her – her guys who had a crush on her in college. And he's like, I'll give you a billion dollars to have sex with me right now.

And she calls her boyfriend. She doesn't say that. She's like, I'm going to do something really crazy. And he's like, just do it. It's what it's – oh, Leap Day Larry. It's Leap Day Larry. So every Leap Day, you're supposed to – it's a day you don't usually have. She was doing something crazy and all that.

He's like, do it. She's like, I don't even care what it is just do it and she doesn't end up doing it but like i wouldn't even call anybody no you just do it right then and there and then and that would be better i would never tell you i mean you probably have wonder where i got a billion dollars but um don't worry about it uh i'm a little worried about it yeah that's even more concerning. Like, yeah, for a billion dollars, I'll have sex with absolutely anybody. Or anybody can have sex with my girlfriend or whatever. If a girl propositioned me, like, I think that's, you know. What's funny is your dick still has to get hard.

You know what I mean? So you can tell your wife all you want, like, honey, I'll do it for the money. It's like, but when this comes time to go down you want to fuck her yeah you know what i'm saying yeah but that's like that's that's just the i mean that's hormonal that's not really psychological that's like getting hard is not psychological no i mean it can it certainly can be but like i mean like when men can be raped that's not like you're not you can't like in the court of law if you rape a guy you can't be like well he was hard I don't know why not

I kind of understand that defense no the it's I mean like it's yeah if a dick is like manipulated in such a fashion it's gonna get hard if you just sit here and start stroking me you think I'm gonna get hard cause I'm not

cause I'm fucking let's buy that prove it john fucking prove it i don't think i would i don't think i would speaking of barstool gold this is fucking dope fleishman does needle point that is wild so it's like a i mean i don't know how to describe needle point other than saying needle point it's like a i mean i don't know how to describe needlepoint other than saying needlepoint it's like kind of like yarn and and and thread that she has threaded together the kfc radio logo i mean look at that shit side by side it's fucking spot on really really and as you look further away like the like the sneakers become like even like they like make

more sense you know what i mean like it looks even more realistic as you see it from the distance. And she throws down the presented by Fleischman salon. Pretty fucking dope. So a shout out to a Fleischman salon. If you're in the New York city area, when you get a fire haircut, you, uh,

you go get your cut from her. And if you want to get, uh, if you want to grow your hair out and get that healthy hair going, go get the Fleischman gummies, go to Fleischman salon.com. Use the promo code KFC, get 20% off when you sign up for some monthly shipmentsishman gummies go to fleishman salon.com use the promo code kfc get

20 off when you sign up for some monthly shipments of the gummies uh and i'll ask for our actual answers yeah as for the actual answers um what was the first question what was the original question it was like you're super we went super oh yeah we went way off track here i and i didn't have to use it like for good i i don't know enough about superheroes i don't think you don't know like like you want to throw out some powers for you like i know like the main ones all right i mean there's super strength there's flight there's super speed uh ability to read minds there is i could maybe do dr x dr x professor x you can like make people do things right yeah you can like jump into their brain right yeah he can definitely read minds.

He can move things with his mind. He's got telekinesis. Yeah, I'd be done. That's absolutely what I'd do. I don't know if I want to be in people's minds. He can turn it off? Yeah, I don't think it's like he constantly hears. I think he has to actively...

He goes in and gets the helmet on. He puts the helmet on and he can be like... But he wants to catch the whole world. ...in the whole world at the same time. Okay, okay, so that's not what I want. So I just don't want the helmet. If I'm just sitting next to you, I can just like... Yeah, I just think about like, I mean,

we were talking about the last question, like every meal I'd be like, this is comped. The comp appointment. Anytime I have a fight with Dave or an argument with Dave. But he can't make people do things, right? I don't know. He's pretty powerful. He probably could make some people do something.

Yeah, I do. I would just hop in your brain and make your dick get hard. There's, in the comic books. Imagine I had it and I was just like, oh yeah,

I can't watch. Whee! They never really do, like, Jean Grey and Cyclops, their relationship, but in the comic books, like,

she's constantly yelling at him for thinking about other girls. Ha! Because she can always see it. It's very real. Yeah. They're like, you know, it's like the other superheroes because, you know, they're all, they're all, like, really hot. Super hot. She's constantly yelling at him for thinking about other girls. It's very real. It's like the other superheroes because they're all really hot.

I wasn't looking at her. I would be thinking about Storm. I'm literally in your brain. What are you talking about? I would be thinking about Storm all night long. Storm is Storm. How about Multiple Man? I think you guys would like Multiple Man. You could just have him clone yourself.

Definitely valuable. He just sends his clone out to do. Oh, yes. Definitely that. Definitely that. You take that. You take multiple man. Clone to do this show.

Over. I'd be able to tell. I'd be able to tell. You think? I bet this isn't Kevin. He's being funny. I was funny. I was funny.

Good joke. Good joke. Thank you. I mean, the only ones that are really practical is, like, super strength. Like, who fucking cares? You know what I mean? Yeah. If you're not saving the world, like, what good is super strength?

Yeah. Like, it's only good to use that in, you know. It's, like, fun to, like, go to a bar and, like, you know, beat everyone at arm wrestling. There was always, like, a scene like that in the movies, right? Where it's, like, you know, they make a bet and then he, like, throws something. Like, he picks up the car or some shit i don't know what but it kicks the bully's ass when like the bully is like legitimately two feet taller than him and he yeah as a scrawny kid can right beat him up it's just like you're not gonna fight and then there's some convenience

in that how like what kind just like i'm gonna fly there instead of yeah yeah but i'm thinking of and i guess it speaks to how things change like Now when I think of flying, I'm thinking of two people. I'm like, what, am I going to carry you? Why are you thinking of two people? Because I would go on vacation with somebody. Oh, so it's like I can fly, but you still got to get on a plane? Yeah. I'm not going to carry you the whole way.

Yeah, that's true. Well, who could teleport? Nightcrawler could kind of teleport. I don't know if he could teleport. That was like within a room, right? Yeah, I don't think it was large distances. It just got to be somebody. I'll tell you what. In this new office, I'd love to be able to

teleport back to my desk. I forgot my phone there. Back. That's what I would do, just for this office. On that boosted board. Yeah, boosted board. Boosted board basically is teleporting in my mind. What's up, Feisty Fights,

Kooky KFC, and Super Nintendo DC. You missed a couple voicemails last on Gold. You are your Super Mario BFC, your Super Smash Bros. Anything with Super, the people are going wild with it. It took like seven years when people decided to say just anything. Anything related to Super, you are now that name. So, my hypothetical is, would you rather sit in your car at a traffic light for two weeks straight,

you can't get out, can't go anywhere, people can give you stuff, but you have to sit there for two weeks straight to never have traffic again, or just go back about your regular shitty fucking life. Viva. Say it one more time. I'm stuck at a light for two weeks straight, and what do I get out of it? I think you said two weeks in traffic for no traffic ever again.

Yes. Yeah. Because the problem with traffic isn't the sitting there. It's the unknown. You don't know when it's gonna end although with gps you kind of do now no no i never checked that well you're stupid i don't believe in it i don't believe gps pretty dumb i don't i don't i don't trust you but we talked about the other day with technologies i don't trust gps you're stupid i'll be like i'll be

you're a stupid person i'll be driving and i'll be like take this exam like that doesn't know what the fuck it's talking about that it's not the exit. It works every single time. It is radically accurate. The only time it's not, like in Manhattan, it gets dicey because traffic, it just builds. So in the moment, it's correct. But it's just like, well, now this cop decided to direct people down a street. Because in Manhattan, the littlest thing can change. This is talking about like congestion. Like you know if the highway is backed up right now and then everything is i mean i check gps every single

time and i feel like i'm getting like worse with directions because of it oh but but only because it's like like there just might be a better route that i like that i don't know of that's going to get me there fast i don't know how to get easy there to use ways i mean i use google maps but i don't use ways but i would yeah ways i don't trust that either i don't i don't think i mean they're the same thing about no ways is different ways will tell you to be like like ways will update all time be like well you can save three minutes by like yeah yeah this no exit google maps do that back up yeah well i mean these are all good things i wouldn't i wouldn't do that either because because because ways will do it like like – sometimes I'll drive home.

I drove home on Sunday with my sister from Father's Day. And I drove back to New York with my sister. And it will be like get off this exit in Connecticut and go down a rural road for a while. And I'm like this doesn't know because it doesn't know how many cars are going to get off and it doesn't know how the look because the lights are on those streets so it doesn't know what lights it knows that it doesn't know what lights you're gonna get that stuff take into account how many cars are getting off it's just because then like we follow like you see like 60 cars we start going for the exit like oh we're all using ways it doesn't take into account that it does no it doesn't i refuse to believe that it definitely does it doesn't it doesn't know ways doesn't know where the lights are going to change it does it takes

that into account no it does like on google maps it's it's yellow when there's like when you're near lights which means like blue is like completely smooth sailing red is like stop traffic and yellow is usually when there's lights or there's like some sort of stop and go and it accounts for that it does it can't it can't account it can't it can't count why not it can't account it's computer no because it doesn't know it doesn't know it doesn't know you have not given one actual answer you're just repeating i just know yours is it doesn't know but you know it's it's the computer doesn't know but you know computers that's not an answer either yes it is no it's not that's like that's like me just saying like like well if i said the world is

round and you said why it's like well that's what's like scientists just saying, like, well, if I said the world is round and you said why, it's like, well, that's what scientists have proven. No, because I've seen pictures of it. Yeah, but we know because it's like when it says red, there's traffic. And when it says blue, there's no traffic. It knows. We just know from music. But it doesn't know how many cars are about to get off. And it doesn't know.

It adjusts in real time. If 60 cars get off and it gets a red light, guess what? We're stuck in traffic now. Right. And it will update like immediately. Yeah, but I'm already off. But the first 60 people are probably going to be smooth sailing. I bet after that, it's like they're going to be like, well, 60 people just got off.

John's one of them. We'll like adjust it. We'll turn it yellow now. Now there's a little bit more traffic and the time will update. It is scary. Accurate. Other than in Manhattan where things can get dicey. Other than that, like I drove to Virginia the other day and it got like a five-hour trip to the minute.

It was wild. Yeah, I know. That's why it fucking can tell. It'll say it's going to take you five and a half hours. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it'll say you're going to arrive at 523. And you arrive at like 523. It's wild.

Five-hour trip to like multiple states. And it'll update you and be like, oh, there was a car crash. And it's going to add 30 minutes if that happens in the middle of it. I love when it's like, you know, it'll be the only time I get scared. And this might be more of a New York thing. But, like, I'm going from Manhattan to the Bronx. And it tells me to go through Queens. And I'm like, I don't want to cross that bridge.

I don't want to go into a borough that I don't need to go into. But it works. Well, I'm like John, where I don't, I want to stay on highways. Unless it's like absolute gridlock. You are parked on the highway. I don't want to get off and get back on again. I'm just like, maybe I'll just wait. That's fair.

So that's, but it's just as logical as John. No, I mean. It's like, no, trust me, this is going to save you 10 minutes. I'm's, but it's, but it will. That's largely what it was. That's just as illogical as John. No, I mean, it's like, no, trust me, this is going to save you 10 minutes. I'm like,

I don't know. But like 10 minutes, like stop and go at lights is more aggravating than necessarily like, this is what I've been saying. No, you're saying that it like, no, no,

no, this is what I'm saying. It doesn't know when the lights change. No, no, it knows when the lights are going to change. It doesn't know. It does.

It does. It does. It takes that into account. If you personally don't like that, I understand. But don't tell me that the computer doesn't know what's going on. The computer, I mean, Google Maps has that choice, by the way. Google Maps will say, stay on highways. And it'll just do that. Right, I know.

So it knows all that shit and can take into account your preferences. But it's not that it doesn't know. You can do the avoid toll roads. You dumb fuck. Yeah it doesn't know. You can do the avoid toll roads. You dumb fuck. Yeah. Avoid tolls. If you accidentally have avoid toll roads on, it's not real life. These are all pedestrian updates we're talking about here.

It's our secret. I mean, knowing what the Department of Transportation lights are going to change. It does not know that. It does not have access to the Department of Transportation. Why not? Why would the Department of Transportation give access to Google? Or Waze or whoever? It just says yellow.

I think to make traffic go better. It says give you the yellow line. It gives you a yellow line so it's like, hey, something might happen here. You might catch a green every time or you might catch a red. I don't know when it's going to end up, so I'm just going to say yellow. The other day I was driving at night and it was taking me a weird route. I didn't know why. It was because the Henry Hudson was shut down.

It was like it knew that. It has updates in it. That's different than knowing how life's changed every three minutes. Why? How does it know when there's an accident, though? They'll tell you, like, there was a car crash. How does it know that? Ways people update themselves.

It's happened, but I mean, Google Maps is probably plugged into fucking Google, man. Like, it's plugged into the internet. But that's in real time. Like, a car accident happens. It's not into the internet. But that's in real time. A car accident happens. It's not like somebody uploads that to Google. Well, I think they immediately know that there's a backup. I think through internet, you get the information

that it's because of an accident. Now you guys realize that sitting in traffic for two weeks straight is hard. I mean, I can't get out of my car and piss. Yeah, I'm assuming there's food, and you're not going to die, but for the payoff?

Yeah. It's just not easy. It's not easy. If I can piss out the window, I mean, pooping's tough. Pooping's going to be really hard. Pooping's a scene. I need some pooping's gonna be really hard pooping's a scene John will poop twice but that's gonna say

I need I need like some some like what makes you constipated I need a bunch of that and and I need a bunch of booze

and then you just need to be able to explain to everyone on the highway as you're sticking your ass out you're pooping out the window I'm never gonna be in traffic ever again you don't realize

this is a magical hypothetical one more two more what do we got? One more. Last one. What's up? Hey KFC, hey Tides, ABC. Hey, so I kind of had a question for you guys. So I'm currently on my way to see this girl I've been talking to for a while. Super cool, pretty hot, pretty down for her. My only issue is I'm like terrified to open up my super cool, pretty hot, pretty down for her. My only issue is I'm terrified to open up my Snapchat around her.

I got these two, sometimes three girls, they'll send me nudes on an occasional basis, and I'm terrified to open up my Snapchat and them be on it and open certain Snapchats but those in front of her, you know? Yeah. But, like, what am I supposed to do? Like, do I delete these girls?

Like, I mean, we're not, like, super official yet, you know, so I kind of want to keep them, like, on the back burner, but, like, what would you guys do? Do you guys, like, ghost them or, I don't know. I'm sure Fight still had his fair share of women before his new woman. No, he didn't. Let me know what you guys think. You must not listen very often.

Fights should have had his fair share. He never had any. This guy is all mixed up. He's in a weird spot. If you're dating the the girl i totally understand this like if you're gonna be like official with this girl and you're like sitting on the couch with her you surround her a lot when your phone's out i can understand that it doesn't sound like he's like that he's like it's not really official but also who who opens like snapchats in front of

people like you can't see but like girls like, girls are crazy. Girls are looking. I guess. Girls are trying to catch you. They're trying to catch a glimpse. They will catch a glimpse. They'll sneak over your shoulder. They'll do whatever. I think, like, if it becomes official, I think you should tell these girls.

As long as you don't. I mean, just delete them. But I was thinking that. I mean, I don't even get the. Like, unless this girl's constantly looking at like your phone all right you can just open those at another time yeah like i mean the right if you were in a relationship the right thing to do would be like hey listen uh you know i'm with somebody now uh i was saying that the other day because i saw a viral tweet that was like, me, nothing. Guy I haven't talked to in two years. Hey, I'm with somebody now.

Which sounds like such a – I think if you are – it's a weird text to send no matter what. But if you are – It's a little bit like narcissistic, a little bit like assuming that like – But if you – not even in two years. If it's less time, if you've been talking, if you're still like sending texts or texts or whatever just be like hey i have a i have a girlfriend now i have a boyfriend now uh-huh i think that's i think that's like it's a weird text to send but i think it's like the nice and proper and respectful it's definitely weird that's always yeah nice and proper is always weird yeah for sure for sure i think if you do it to like someone who is out of really

out of your way it kind of comes across as like, good for you, dude. I haven't even thought about you in like six months. But if someone is still talking and you are sending the occasional picture, I think the smart, proper thing to do would be to tell them. But if you're not official with someone and you still want to like still get some nudes, I think just like open those when you're alone, dude. Yeah. I mean that's obviously the easy answer. I don't think you need to go around blocking people if you're not dating this girl i don't think you should have to go around blocking people period but i can understand like the it's like less of a headache you date a new girl she's like insecure

about social media just do it give it to her i hate that shit like that was a big like a big part of my my divorce was like like control like that and it was part of my divorce was like control like that. And it was just like, no. It's like I don't even care about that girl. But the fact that you are like asking me to unfollow or delete or not engage or not – that's bothering me. I think unfollowing on Twitter is like – or unfollowing on Facebook or anything like that. I mean like I mute exes on Facebook or on Instagram or Twitter, whatever. I don't unfollow just because I feel like that kind of makes them feel like

they won and don't do that. So I just mute. But I think it's weird on those. I get it. If someone just fired off nudes, like we don't even follow you on social media. Snapchat isn't even social. I don't even consider it social media.

It's just like video and picture texting. Yeah. It's a messaging app basically. Social media can be shared with everybody. Yeah. It's not. Yeah. It's a messaging app. Like social media can, social media can be shared with everybody. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Right. And like, it can just be like retweeted or liked or promoted or shared or whatever it is. Like you can, you can show that with everybody and comment about it. Snapchat is just, it's just texting someone. Right.

As far as I understand Snapchat. Um, despite, I mean, I feel like Snapchat is a pretty, uh, I've said like, unless you're doing a show like ours or it's

like that's people are going to watch like you're there it's for like nudes and hooking up that's fine yeah that's what i think so like to me it's like you really want to you really want to go a step further it's like you're dating this person you're exclusive why do you have snapchat which is you know i don't want to open that can or i'm not gonna hear something my girlfriend came up to me and said i had to delete Snapchat because you said so. But yeah, the younger generation for sure. But when you're not that age and it's like, well, why do you have Snapchat? There's basically one reason why.

Right. Just delete it. I just delete it. Yeah. But again, if you're dating, if you're with somebody, if this is like a hookup, I don't think you have to go rearranging your life for this. I don't think it's easier to delete it than go having the argument of like what stage of the relationship but it sounds like he's doing this to himself did he say that like this girl was pressing him on it no so it's like i don't know just fucking live your live your life until until you live your life until your girl starts bothering

you which is like the answer to all questions just until someone else raises an issue with the way you live your life just live your life do what makes you happy until your girlfriend makes you stop and when someone raises the issue then change everything about yourself for them yeah it's it's so crazy and this kind of ties back to a couple episodes ago where girls are like able to yell at guys in public and likeate them, and we're just like, oh, okay. It's like the amount of shit that I think guys kind of cave to where it's like I don't think many guys make any of those demands. I'm sure there's definitely controlling boyfriends. I get that.

But I think for the most part, guys are like, I don't care who you follow. I don't care what you like. I don't care. I don't know who you follow. I don't know who you like. I would never go check my girl's following list you know i would never look at her social media activity i wouldn't care if i if i

felt if i saw her phone buzz i wouldn't be like who's that i just don't fucking care i don't want to know and not even like i don't want to know because i don't want to get hurt or anything like that i don't want to know because i'm a fucking business i know what you do on your apps is your fucking i know you know what bothers me is like they're savvy they're getting smarter the girls are evolving they're adapting they they they present it in such a way that's like i know it's just like it's my insecurity and it would make me like feel better if you would like help me with that and it's like no your insecurity is out of line your insecurity is fucked up my insecurity is uh that i'm not having enough threesomes so start inviting girls home my insecurity is i'm not doing enough anal so open that butt up like no you're you're picking

things that are like not fucking cool yeah that is true it does get spun on to you it's like this isn't this is i'm sorry i want to be to accommodate. I want you to be happy, but you can't manipulate me like that. Go see a therapist. Yeah. Your insecurity is a therapist issue, not who I'm following on social media. Right. I mean, and that's where, going back to Taffer, too, it's like there was a time where it was like, let me see your phone and everywhere you're going. And I didn't have anything to hide at that point.

But I was like, I don't want this precedent. I don't want you doing that. And I'm not going to do it. And she was like, well, now you precedent i don't want you doing that and i'm not gonna do it and she's like well now you're clearly hiding something it's like i'm trust me i'm not anymore like i'm not died and it was just like i don't that's not the dynamic that i want my life so we're not doing it and you know people have deal breakers i get it but that's also again when you're with somebody i think if you're just like hooking up with somebody, fire off those deckpacks, bro. Who cares? All right.

That's it for voicemails today. Let's get into our interviews. First up, Brian Callen, certifiable, crazy person, very funny guy. You know me. I'm obsessed with the notion of like people and celebrities and comedians who are just naturally funny, And it's not always just about their written material. And I throw Brian Callen into that, up in the Pantheon, up on the Mount Rushmore of just naturally funny guys where everything they're saying is coming out hysterical. So first up, Brian Callen.

We were actually told before you came in that you're a clean comic. First of all, there's not enough gender diversity in here. Our booker says to me, she's a woman. She's a chick. She goes, remember, Brian is clean. And I was like,

no, he's not. And she was like, I vividly remember an email. And we were like, do you mean Brian Regan? Because he was in here a few months ago and he's a very famous clean,

you know, very famously clean. And I was like, I think you mean Brian Regan. She was like, nope, Brian Callen is a clean comic. And I was like,

I promise you he's not. I sure ain't. I'm a dirt bag. It would be like if we went somewhere and said don't, no cursing around us. I wish I was clean. I wish I was a dude who had, who wasn't, you know, who just had some self-control. Absolutely.

I wish I had self-control. I mean, I know. I'm good with me. But I mean, I remember my wife one time looked at me and she was shaking her head and I just blew all my mean, I know. I'm good with me. But I mean, I remember my wife one time looked at me, and she was shaking her head, and I just threw all my friends. I know. And she goes, and I go, what? She goes, you know, you're just a bad guy, huh? And I go, what do you mean?

She goes, would you set any of your closest friends up with your sister or with your daughter? And I was like, no. Never. He's not a shot. Never. He's not one friend. All complete. You are the company you keep man you are it's a nice realization though when that's like pointed out to you we're just like yeah i'm just like really not a great it's just more fun it's more fun i get you know i get paid for what

i got in trouble for my whole life in school amen it's so much easier to to not have any standards it's like i can never be let down i can never be... Of course we have standards, but just to be honest. Can I be honest? I'm just saying what you're thinking. Anybody who's ever... If you're a bad person. As long as you're a bad person, I'm saying what you're thinking. But even the good people have those thoughts. I saw a woman, she was

dying of cancer. It was very sad, but she said, what would you do if you could do something different? And she said, I would do nothing because it made sense. And me and Joe Rogan had that conversation 20 years ago. And I was like, dude, I don't want to be sensible. I want to be instinctual and intuitive and sexy. He just stood over there, your boy over there,

and he just literally raised his eyebrows a tiny bit. He went, oh. I was just saying on the radio to Casey, if I could be like an insta-thought, I would do that in a heartbeat. Yeah. Live the life in like Dubai, get flown around the world, live like the most luxurious life in the world to just post some fucking like not sensible. Yeah. I've seen how that ends, though. Yeah, but you know what?

How does it end? It's like the equivalent of being a journeyman boxer and being the guy that they throw in there to spar with the pros and you never really make it. It's not. You know, you come out with a massive head wound. It ends with Dan Blazarian throwing you off a roof. Yeah, does it give me a hard-on?

Yeah. But, I mean, at the end of the day, it's not going to work out so well. So you got your show with Big Brown, Brandon Schaub. Yes, Brandon Schaub. That big fucking meathead idiot. By the way, he said, like, you're a nice guy. So does your wife know that? That Brandon says, like, you're a really great guy?

Schaub is like my brother. He wasn't a shithead. No, yeah, but your brother and your guy friend is always like you. Your wife and your girl hate you. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. The reason why Brandon likes him and thinks he's a good guy is what his wife hates about him probably. I mean, I'm not going to say.

I'm just saying. What do you want me to be? A traitor? Yeah, no. Shop and I just, we get along, man. I don't know. We just get along. Yeah.

Well, I mean, both idiots. We're both a couple of idiots. Yeah. What's fun about him is that he likes to dress like Jared Leto. Yeah. You know what I mean? we're both a couple of idiots. And what's fun about him is that when he likes to be, he likes to dress like Jared Leto. Yeah. You know what I mean? He looks like he's in a boy band.

I don't give a shit what anybody says. I think he's got the worst taste in clothing of all time. He'll spend $1,200 on a pair of boots with a fucking buckle. And I'm like, how am I friends with you? But what's, what makes him different is that he can, he can, he could come in this room and not only could he beat us up, he could fuck us all. And that's a fact.

He could walk in with six blonde wigs and be like, guess who's going to fucking party with me? We'd be like, no, I got shot up. And then at the end. That's how tough he is. He was like a kimono.

He came in with a red silk button-up that had a dragon on the back or some shit, right? Get the fuck out of here. Are you an American? I mean, he dresses like candy. He's like a giant muscular parrot. How about Nick Swarden? Swarden called him an Italian Lego.

Who was it who said something like, you look like you? Theo Vaughn was like, you look like you make really strong smoothies for P. Diddy. I don't know what it is. You want another smoothie, guys? Yeah. He says that you think you're tough. Dude. He told me that you think you can beat up any comedian in the game.

Bro, let me explain something to you. Please do. I'll keep you busy. All right? Ask me what I'd do if any of you guys came at me. What would you do? I'd meet you busy. All right? Ask me what I'd do if any of you guys came at me. What would you do? I'd meet you halfway. Now, ask me what I would do if you guys all surrounded me and you were about to fight me in this room.

What would I say, guys? What would you say if we surrounded you and we were about to fight you in this room right here? I'd look at you and say, you guys want to dance at the same time? All right. I mean, that works. I'd be like, oh, fuck. That's right. That's right. That's right. I mean, that works. I'd be like, oh, fuck. That's right. That's right.

Well, there's a better way to do it. I think if you're surrounded, you can just look at people and go, well, looks like somebody's going to lose an eyeball or a nose. And you just stand there with your teeth bared. Nobody's going to fuck with you. I like to just throw one haymaker and then turtle shell. Get your licks in. Not a bad idea.

It happened once when I was probably like 14. I had like five kids around me. And I was just like, I'm just going to hit one. I'm going to get one of you. I'm going to let one good fight. I like to box and I get in the ring sometimes and move around with guys. But then I'll get in with my buddy like Malik who got Sergio Martinez ready for his fight or came out of Mayweather's gym in Vegas.

He fought at 147. He's about 6'1". It's so hilarious because I'll talk trash. I'll put on a headgear and mouthpiece, and I'll just start talking trash, and then he'll just turn it up a little notch. It's not even hitting me. He just taps. Bop, bop, bop, bop.

And you're like, oh. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm not a boxer at all. I'm terrible. I guess I could be all right if the guy's my size and he's never boxed. And he didn't throw a haymaker

and turtle up. But if he drives a Prius and he's a vegan, I'll keep you busy. I'll keep you busy. You were in Warrior, right? I was in Warrior. Is that where your toughness stems from? Because that is the fucking most badass movie ever.

What haven't I been in? For real, man. Your resume is pretty deep. I put the writer and director together. I was friends with the writer. I was friends with the director. So you're like the most important person in that whole fucking film. I kept bothering Gavin O'Connor.

They talk about it on the DVD. What are we, in 99? Where do you go about finding one of those? 52 or 152, old man. Jesus Christ. Look, I'm shopping for a fuse for my Canon. Anybody know where there's a good Canon store? That's Jeff Ross's joke.

I'll use other comedians' jokes. By the way, he told that joke in the 90s. But yeah. You can beat him up, though. So what's he going to do? I'll keep other comedians' jokes. By the way, he told that joke in the 90s. But, yeah. You can beat him up, though, so what's he going to do? I'll keep him busy. Jeff Ross? I'll smack him around. My favorite is, I say this to Chris Clea, I go,

I wouldn't have to close my hand. I'll just slap you down to your knees. That's what I say. I'll take you out with a leg kick. I've never seen that voice. You say that, but I'll tell you what, you got the lines. Yeah, you do. You're an actor.

You're an actor. Well, I'm an athlete, dude. What the fuck is the... What are we talking about here? Did you see me when I took my coat off? I'll fucking take my shirt off right now, bro. I mean, prove it. I don't like the way I had the guys eye-balling me over there.

I've got to fucking laugh out of that guy. He's just sitting there looking at me. If he wants to fucking... I'll tell you what, if you don't laugh out of Crocs yet, you're not doing good.'ve got to fucking laugh out of that guy. He's just sitting there looking at me. If he wants to fucking... If you don't laugh out of Crocs yet, you're not doing good. He wants to fucking everybody and everything. Step up with your fucking camera over there and your youth, your youthful face.

Alright, sorry. Sorry, guys. Let's get to substance. Seriously. Yeah, let's get to the real substance. I feel like you and Shaw do have a good thing going. You said you just kind of click, right? And I feel like I got the same thing going with this guy. And he periodically will drop a story on me. We're 10 years deep.

And like just yesterday, he told me that he used to throw chairs through the window as a child because his parents were trying to force him to go to therapy. Wow. So like every – As you do. You know what's funny about that? I made a speech. Go on.

I'm sorry. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. Please. No, because I want to – because when you hear about kids like that, that can be a positive thing. Like I just made a speech at my nephew's graduation because I knew he was going to be a success when – they were worried about him, right? He was just a fucking – they called him a python. He was a little kid, athletic as as shit and he would grab kids and

squeeze them with no expression on his face until they cried like i mean i was like he would just sit there like this and he lived on sugar he lived on sugar and did what the fuck he wanted dead behind the eyes of a little kid and took to violence like a fish to water i mean bro he just was so comfortable in the violent circle. So secretly, I was like, I want this kid as my own. But that's a liability, right? You never knew. But he had a force of will and he's a little kid. And we're in London where his parents live, my sister and my brother-in-law. And one day, she wouldn't let him have a Pop-Tart or some shit. And he decided that wasn't gonna be. So he is a small kid,

probably four, maybe five, probably four. But like just all ass and chest, like look like the letter S. And just a little fucking, like Bam Bam. And blonde. His dad is a Viking, Swedish, just the days long. Played pro soccer

at just 235, like a soccer player at 235. Just fucking big as shit. So the kid starts to flip out, and he starts screaming. And then his mom goes, go to your room. Now he's standing in his room, and he's blowing his nose at his mother. I've never seen anything like that, like a bull does, going, nah, nah. And snot shooting. She's like, cut it out she goes all right

you gotta calm down and she closes the door and now it sounds like you know when you open the door to the portal to hell when you it's like you hear that shit going on and he's four years old and i'm like what i'm kind of like this is insane how and you start to hear him like what's he doing she goes he's probably pulling all the clothes off the shelf and then then all of a sudden you hear go go go go go go go and he's pulled all the shelves down and so she comes in and she sees him and i'm talking about it's it is literally like a bomb went off it's crazy people say that but clothes and the shelves and he's trying to pull the bed down and he's completely naked and she bed down. And he's completely naked. And she goes, all right, that's it.

You're in trouble. I've had it. This time you're really in trouble. And he turns and looks at her. Right in the eye with snot coming out of his face. And he turns and looks at her, and he just pisses. I mean, and that same face he had when he used to strangle kids like the Python. He just pisses. And she's like, ah! Like that. face he had when he used to strangle kids like the Python, he just pisses. And she's like, ah!

Like that. And he finishes. He just finishes on the fucking rug. And I went, well, that kid's going to be a fucking success. And he is. And he is. He's going to Williams. So kiss my ass.

Could have played D1 soccer in any school he wanted, but now he's decided to chase the ass. I was like, don't worry about that kid. That force of will? Fuck you. What a badass. You're just pissed. God, that's a good way if you're really pissed at somebody and you just

you're in a fight, just pull your pants down and just piss. What'd he do? Dude, he just looked me in the eye, pulled his pants down and pissed. But it was in the eye, pulled his pants down and pissed. But it was in the office. He doesn't care. Fuck, I want to do that before I die.

Still nothing from the kid over there. What the fuck is his name? We call him Crocs. He wears Crocs. I'm Crocs. I'm opening a, of course he wears Crocs. I'm opening a vein. I get nothing from that fucking kid.

God damn it. If he says one thing, I'm throwing my 52 year old frame right at him. I'll go low and high on you because I was a wrestler and a boxer. Yeah, I think I'm pretty tough. Tell Shab to shut up. You see me hitting mitts? No, you haven't. Fucking lunatic, Alan. Sorry, bro. Sorry. It's Barstool Sports. I get excited. You gotta let it rip, man. I heard, is this all a stem from Summer Camp? I heard there's a Summer Camp story. My molestation? Yeah.

Yeah, you lost it? I mean, you know what I mean? Originally, before we went off on the Viking Python, that was where we were going. This guy, he's been all sorts of molested. Babysitter used to make him watch murder on the internet and porn on the internet. I was made to watch A Clockwork Orange. Those gang rape scenes. I was like, I've got to protect my mother from rapists.

I swear to God, that's why I'm not well. That's why I train, guys. That's why I took my martial arts training to the next level. You know what I'm saying? How many instances do you think it took as a child growing up to make you? That's a great question. Great question. Well, because you're talking about turning points. Right.

How many did you have? I don't know. What does the average person have? I don't know. I bet I have way more. I bet you have like five times. Nietzsche said, for the people I love the most and those are closest, I wish depravity and isolation and failure. You know, in other words- You just quote Nietzsche, honestly? Yeah, dude. Fuck you, I wish depravity and isolation and failure.

In other words... You just quote Nietzsche, honestly? Yeah, dude. I'll bring Nietzsche. I mean, he's got the brains, too. You got the brawn, the brains. Shit. What happens? The man can't fight and read at the same time? I can't read Nietzsche? Typically, no. I can't read Nietzsche in a horse stance? Had you met Schaub? I mean, no. Right? I can't hold a horse stance with a testicle cinch on and read

Nietzsche? It's good discipline. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think that's a good question. I grew up all over the world. I was moved every two years to a different country. So I had to make friends. The way you make friends is try to be not the last guy picked on the sports team and make people laugh.

So I'm an athletic clown. Dude, that's the way to be. Right? Athletic clown. The guys are going to like you. The guys are going to like you. The girls are going to like you. What sport do you want? What are you, volleyball?

You want to do something with a ball? Don't step on the fucking court. On tennis? You want to play tennis? What? You're a tennis guy? Bro, just know this. If you want to return my top spin, if we're playing in New York, be somewhere in Kentucky.

Okay? All right? Because that's where you're going to have to return it from. And yeah, I make noise. Hey! I come over the top of that fucking. Hey! It's the same noise I make when I roundhouse Crocs in the head

for not paying attention to me. Hey! You are a spectacular idiot. I love it. Dude, I'm 52. I can't believe that. How sad is this? No, that's fucking incredible. It's just it. Dude, I'm 52. I can't believe that. How sad is this? No, that's fucking incredible.

It's just the goddamn energy you have at 52. When I'm 52, I'm going to be dead. Legit. Nah, man. 51 max. I'm cashing out at 51. You guys don't intermittently fast? I forget to eat.

I forget to eat all the time. I was going to say, intermittent fasting is such bullshit. That's either called being poor or being hungry. I used to intermittently fast when I didn't have money. And I was like, oh, I guess I got to eat now. I never had that. I come from family money. Why don't you just call your dad?

Yeah, yeah. It's good. Just low, low. Silence. See where it goes next. I might turn my microphone off. Okay. I break into like a song.

I want you to stay. And I have a beautiful voice. Like I open up with a beautiful voice. Like, dude, what the hell? I'm in a New York state of mind. Are you, I mean, at this point, you guys have had such success with the podcast, but I'm assuming you're still acting. And like, do you focus on one? Well, if you call having your own TV show with Tim Meadows on ABC, you're acting.

Yeah, yeah. Is that good? You call selling out all over the fucking world with my stand-up. Do you even try on the podcast? Or is that just like a hobby? You know what I mean? No, I mean. Like stand-up and acting is like your career career and then you just like do the podcast on the

side? No, the problem is podcast, people rely on it. Yeah. You know, I get people come up and go, dude, you get me out of a dark. Yeah, that's weird. You guys too. I'm like, that's a lot of fucking responsibility. I'm just here to talk about my dick and stuff.

Correct. And you can't stop doing that. No. And you can't start thinking about that either. You got to just, I just try to connect with Shab when we talk the way we talk anyway yeah and people like that and we have like funny guests on right but i mean i don't know man i try every time but i don't try to do anything you can't try to be funny right you know you're not yeah i think what you got to try to be is authentic you can't be funny but you can always be honest right well see See, that's a nice little loophole, too, though.

You don't even have to be talented, but if I just fuck you up with some brutal truth, then I'm still bringing value. Yeah, because we all think it. We just live in a world more and more where you can't say it. But by the way, very interesting that Barstool Sports is crushing. And we have a very politicized Hollywood that's losing its relevance.

Well, we're like the only people left who are still saying it. Who are the four Oscar winners this year? I'll wait. Oh, boy. Four Oscar winners. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Bohemian Rhapsody guy. Fuck him.

That's it. You said his name wrong. Regina Davis, who I love. Amazing actress. I don't even know who that is. Right. Who's that? But Hollywood is becoming... I'm not saying they don't deserve the Oscar. I'm just saying... Yeah. But Hollywood is becoming, I'm not saying they don't deserve the Oscar, I'm just saying. It's such a different, it's just, I don't know. You guys are talking still to a lot of

the world. I mean, Hollywood definitely runs, they can't relate to anybody. I don't think the Oscars are a good barometer for that, though. The Oscars have never been popular. There used to be movie stars were movie stars.

Hollywood has become a very activist sort of, it's a really weird place. It's hard to navigate. Netflix, you go in there and they're like, there's a certain

diversity we need. It's not even about, it's like, who's the best actor? I don't care what they look like. I don't give a shit at all. Just give me the best actor. That doesn't exist anymore.

There's a whole quota. We saw the latest with rocket man when right rocket man's called yeah where they were complaining that there was no but they that elton john should have been played by a gay actor and elton john was like fuck off this kid is a good actor good actor played me very well so like who cares yeah what do you mean so so he's gotta fuck guys right or get fucked by that's the metric it actually, acting is a really hard thing to be good at. And it's a really, it takes a long time to be good at it. And it requires a very specific and peculiar set of skills. And it also requires the ability to do shit under pressure, blah, blah, blah. But now, now I have to add to that the fact that I fuck guys or I don't fuck

guys or I'm a certain color or I have to have a certain amount of melanin in my skin or not. What the fuck are you talking about? Wrong. That is the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Like somehow you're going to be more authentic or somehow the gay actors are marginalized because they – shut the fuck up. It's called acting. I can act like a gay person. I can act like a straight person. You know what I mean?

The most ridiculous one I thought was Bryan Cranston with the upside. He's not a parapolice. Shut the fuck. Find me a dude in a wheelchair who's as good an actor as that motherfucker. Find me Bryan Cranston paralyzed. It took him 40 years to be that good. Shut the fuck up. We are talking about acting. That's why I love stand-up.

What do you say? Come follow me, motherfucker. What do you want to do? Okay, that's why I love standup. What do you say? Come, come, come follow me, motherfucker. What, what, what do you want to do? Okay, let's see if you, this is nothing political. You can't fake it.

Let's see how good you are. Right. You have to laugh. You don't. Right. I'll tell you what, I'll do an hour and then you come and do an hour. And then you do an hour and I'll do an hour and let's see who can follow.

I was just talking, Joe Coy was in here last week and I said, one of the best. The, the, maybe more so than any other profession in the world. If you don't do it or you haven't done it, shut the fuck up about it. Fighting's that way too. Yeah.

Getting a ring with a good fighter. See what happens. Getting a good ring with a good boxer, a good MMA guy. Right. What do you want to do? You want a career in MMA? You can't fake it. I don't care who your agent is. I don't care who you have advocating for you. Right. When it comes time to put the money down. You don't. And I'll tell you something else about being a feminist and everything else. You know who's at the forefront of the feminist movement

and nobody ever talks about it?ma fighters women women who get in that cage and fight like why are we not talking about them they're not they don't need anybody holding their hands they just got in the ring in the most male-dominated arena ever and we're like so can i motherfucker and and guys like us are like just as excited to watch rose namajunas who's fighting with the same skill. I mean, Amanda Nunez and Rose Namajunas and, and Michelle Watterson and Valentina Shevchenko,

sexy and, and can punch you in the face. I talk about this on my special, so I'm not doing a bit. I'm just saying, it's like, you know, that's where violence against women is.

Actually violence against women is bad unless it's being televised and it's in a cage being done by another woman. And it goes a long way and chains in the hearts and minds of chauvinists like myself. Just did a bit for my special. Do you think it's ridiculous how, like, regular guys will still have debates? Like, ah, we can beat them up. We used to hear that shit all the time. You think you could take a couple rounds? But Rousey was huge. It was I said come on she's like she's

only like 145 pounds where the fuck it is uh she will murder me in under 10 yeah if you haven't fought you take her you don't see me that you can my eyes we're busy I was gonna say if I had to guess I think I'll keep it her busy. No, no, no. Ronda, all they do is roll around. They'll catch you and shit. They take you to the ground. You're getting arm-worn and choked. You're breaking your arm in a second. I've rolled around with certain women, MMA women.

I've done a little sparring with good female boxers. They work you? Pack a lunch. Get punched in the face. Is it just you've just done wrestling with them? You haven't done like – I just done wrestling with them? I've boxed with them is that weird? I don't know what I would be like

even if it was a serious fight situation I was getting jumped by a tough woman I think a lot of times as a guy if you're an athletic guy and you're big, sometimes you're way bigger than this person I don't know

but don't be surprised if you're on your back don't be surprised if you're getting. Sometimes you're way bigger than this person. So I don't know, you know, I mean, but don't be surprised if you're on your back. Don't be surprised if you're getting choked or armbar. Don't be surprised if she plants her right hand on your chin and you go to sleep. Right. None of that would surprise me, but I'd be fighting instinct or I'd be fighting 30 years of training. Like, don't hit her. Don't hit her. Don't hit her. Oh, that's, yeah, maybe. Until you get clocked. Until you get hit. You're trying to live. You're trying to survive.

Even then, I've been hit by women before. I'm still like, can't hit them back. Can't hit them back. Can't hit them back. Can't hit them back. Can't hit them back. Well, it's very different when you're in a sanctioned ring versus like at the bar. What I do is I just keep my head moving like a cobra and they keep missing until they gas out.

Until they gas out. And then I hold them and we cry together. And then the lovemaking starts. You mentioned your special. What is it? What's the name of that? Complicated Apes. Complicated Apes. Where did that name come from? Because we're Complicated Apes. There you go.

Because I think, I feel like we live in a time where just we break people into nouns. It's like, we got a camera on your phone. You can catch somebody having a moment and ruin their whole life. And the fact is that we are sinners, saints, and everything in between. We're not nouns. We're verbs. And everybody has at least 10 thoughts a minute that would get you fired. Okay? And that's just what it is to be a human being. Good side, bad side. You're getting deep with it, huh?

Bipolar apes. Yeah, man. It's just that as I get older, I start seeing the wrong ideas gaining a foothold, and we're not being honest. The debate out there is not honest. Don't treat me like I've got to be one thing. You know what I'm saying? You can be a feminist and still enjoy being tied up once in a there is not honest. Don't treat me like I gotta be one thing. You know what I'm saying? You can be a feminist and still enjoy being tied up once in a while. Hell yeah. Right? I mean, right? Fuck yeah, man. You can be into sexual

slavery at night and march for equality during the day. I'm doing bits. It's so embarrassing. But it's true. It's like, what happens is if you join a team, you get... He laughed. He liked that one. Ah, yeah. He's doing bits. We broke the cyborg that's what it was he pulled his face off and just wires it's like fuck crocs wasn't even real

he was just made of bees um i don't know why he just pulls her face off and bees fly out into my mouth and i get stung from the inside and die of an allergic reaction. Reaction. Reaction. Sorry. See what happens, dude? I don't. I guess. I don't understand. I'm so pissed at my girlfriend for fucking doing this cover. Camille Mostick.

It really was a problem for us. But we fought. She swung at me. I ducked. She punched herself out. You let the gas out. We cried and then we made love. Sexual slavery.

I would have sex with her only in missionary style, because I'd have to look at her face. Camille would be very funny. Some women are that pretty. Yeah. She's one of them. She's a rock. She's uncomfortably pretty, actually. It's not fun when she's here, because it's like, what are you going to talk about?

It makes you feel bad about yourself. Sometimes I date regular guys like us, guys. You know what I'm saying? No, they don't. She dates Gronk. Sometimes I date Rob Gronkowski. I'm not afraid of Gronk. I mean, I am physically.

You better be. You fucking better be, man. Are you into guys with 6'6 and millionaires? Okay. I guess so. Super athlete. You don't know what you're missing out on. I fucking have wisdom and wrinkles.

We actually, when she used to come on the podcast, she still comes on, but like probably three years ago was probably her first time on. And I guess we were, I forget what we were doing. Oh, we were doing ASMR. And so I was like whispering to her and she was like, God, this is like kind of working for me.

Damn. And then like people kind of like, we were like, Oh, you got, you got a little thing going. Like, Oh,

like fights and Camino have like a thing. And I have never, like, like back when I, like I never had, I hadn't had sex in high school. And I was like, I let,

I'd let people know. I didn't look at her until my summer before college. Oh man, you're a pussy. Yeah, you're a pussy. I would. I, but I'd let people like be like, Oh, what'd you do my summer before college. Oh, man, you're a pussy. Yeah, you're a pussy. I would. But I'd let people be like, oh, what did you do last night? I'm like, yeah, don't worry about it.

Not since then had I not addressed rumors. I was just like, dude, you and Camila, you got something going on, huh? I'm like, look, man, I'm not going to talk about this on the internet right now. It's like you believe what you want. When this guy was passing counterfeit money in the comedy store and i went in the back and he was running and this giant dude tackled him and held him down on the ground and he couldn't hold him down so i he said you're under arrest and i i jumped on the guy i go give me your hands and the guy thought i was a cop and

and the guy got off him and i was it was like a raft the guy was so big it was a raft and long story short when the cops came and they cuffed the guy the guy who tackled him and brought him down was a bouncer at a club didn't want to get sued so he said yeah the guy did it mad tv tackled him and held him down and so he told the cops who other comics were there and they heard that brian callen had tackled this giant dude and held him down with like jujitsu so when i came back the next day people like dude i heard you like jujitsu. So when I came back the next day, people were like, dude, I heard you used jujitsu or like your martial arts to hold this dude down. It was a huge guy and held him down until the cops came. And I was like, ah, you know.

You know how it is. I go, people exaggerate. It gets crazy. And that's all I would do. I kept them busy. It was awesome. Yeah, you know. You want to dance, we dance.

All right, dude, we appreciate you coming through we're going to go put you to the test and do some questions on answer the internet but the special is complicated apes it's streaming right now live for free on Amazon and if you want to see me live I'm in the Tempe Improv

I'm in the Tempe Improv June 20, 21, 22 come see me it's going to be great and then I'll be at Spokane, Washington in July. Look at my website, Brian Callen.com. I don't know. Go do it.

Go do it. Or T fat K.com. Fighter and the kid, the Viking kid. I'm still not convinced. That was like, you know, you and him were in cahoots and you like told him a story about yourself and he repeated it.

He just passes. It was very funny. told him a story about yourself and he repeated it. He just pissed. Pissed. It was very funny. His answer to the internet is out right now. Also, very fucking funny. Some of those answers are watching it back and we're just like, what the fuck, dude? You're crazy.

Yeah, totally crazy person. Very funny guy. Him and Shab are quite the dynamic duo. Shout out to Brian Callen. Make sure you go check out his new special, Complicated Apes. It's out right now streaming on Amazon for free. Now it's time to talk to a motherfucking legend of the game. We got Lone

Star from Spaceballs. We got Harry Ambrose from The Sinner. We got President Whitmore from Independence Day on the show. It's Bill Pullman on KFC Radio. It's KFC Radio featuring Bill Pullman, who you're looking very clean cut right now compared to what I've seen on the center.

Usually you're looking pretty haggardly and run down and a little crazy. Yeah. It's a good reminder that acting is, you know, it's acting and that you're not living like Harry Ambrose. I was actually taking it back. I was like, oh, wow. That's right.

All right. That's me. You're done. It's all right, doesn't it? Well, this is for this play. And then, you know, when you're in a play in the 40s, they do kind of clip the side. So I've got the sidewalls going, you know. I thought it was for us, but sure, I guess. Well, I did try to clean up a little bit. Is that what was going on over in London? Yeah, I was in London.

Just got back about four months up there doing All My Sons with Sally Field at the old Vic Theater, which was, it's like going to Mecca for me. I was there in the 70s when I was a student and went to plays at that theater with seeing great British actors. We were just kind of running through your resume

and we realized that, I mean, you've done, you've done it all from the, you know, from a, a, a point of view of genre to the medium, like whatever, maybe in acting,

you've done all of it from comedy and action to onstage TV, movies, every different variation of acting you've done. What would be your number one? Oh, anyone that you help me. Yeah, like that. They couldn't keep me out of all those.

It's great to be able to flop from one to the other or when you're doing a play like this where there's some good humor in it, but it's tragic too. But I always like, I feel lucky always when i'm in something kind of noir you know because i like that i like the word if someone says noir to me i'm like they're yeah it's a noir piece it's french anything in french sounds dirty gets you going. Gets you going. Say it again.

Speaking of, your character on The Sinner, Harry Ambrose, is... Actually, how would you describe Harry? If you were just trying to give a quick one-over, because I was thinking he's tortured, he's dark, but he's compassionate, but he's also a little bit kinky and likes to get dirty with it, so I don't know what the fuck you'd say about Harry Ambrose. Yeah, the right hand isn't always admitting what the left hand is doing. Usually the hand's getting

smashed by a hammer or sitting on by a hooker or whatever it may be. You get dark. Yes, yes. Massacres of pain. The pleasure of pain. I mean, some of those scenes, I haven't seen season one in a little while, but some of those scenes, I haven't seen season one in a little while, but

some of those scenes, I feel like in season one, there was a scene where the overweight hooker is just sitting on you. She's stamping on me. She's not even just sitting. It's really going. She's like, on my nails, on my hand. But isn't there one where she's just sitting on your head?

Maybe I'm making that up. She's strangling. She's strangling. She just sitting on your head? Maybe I'm making that up because the nails – She's strangling. She's strangling. Yeah, she's like – and I'm liking it. Is that acting for you, Bill? You have to decide. At least you have to make – you try it out.

What happens? You walk away from the set of work one day and you're like, shit, I kind of liked it when this heavier girl was choking me. How do you do that? Well, when you're walking away is when you're experiencing all the crew members going, oh, Bill didn't know you could – I don't know. I thought you were a different person. You didn't realize it when you're doing the scene. It's only when you're walking away you go, oh, I guess there's a little dissonance there. They don't really expect it from me.

Now the – obviously this is all – the Emmy is coming up and things like that. Are you a TV guy? You seem like a guy who consumes everything he can. Do you have shows – Isn't that nice of you to say? A guy who consumes everything he can. Well, I mean, look. You're in everything, right?

You're not just jumping in blind. You've got to partake in it first. I have a friend who said, you know, he doesn't go to listen to other musicians because it's like food that's already been masticated. Isn't that wild? Is that how you feel? Well, sometimes I see stuff and I feel like they had the fun of figuring it all out. And watching it is good, but I get a little envious of like, oh, wouldn't it have been fun to be part of this?

What's a role recently that you wish you were in? Oh, I don't know if I was necessarily wishing that role, but that process or that story or something like that. I was just thinking about this movie, The Square, that was done by a Swedish guy. It was in part – I don't know if it won the Oscar. It was nominated. But Elizabeth Moss was in it.

But one of the few Americans and a few Brits and then the rest were Swedish. But it was such a strong movie. I just thought, what was that like to take down this thing? So everyone saw all that. Do you think people were looking in on that watching Spaceballs back in the day? At the time, you know, I thought,

that's my second movie. I thought, this isn't this. From now on, it's going to be like this. We're going to be riding out with little people on dune buggies and shooting scenes with the dinks. That was your second movie? Second movie, yeah.

Your second one was with Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks, the last full movie shot by MGM on the MGM lot. So it was like the studio systems, the makeup guy wore a blazer and tie. All that disappeared right after. I never saw it again, but I thought, oh, this is the way it's going to be. This is like showbiz. And then it was not. What was the – I mean, obviously, baseball is a cult classic,

but in the beginning, was it well-received right off the bat? No, it was not. It was mixed reviews. They were saying how it was a sign that Mal wasn't up to par. Really? It was so vicious. Oh, that's crazy

because I mean... That was the movie when I was a kid, my dad used to always, not make me watch, but he would like sit down while watching this. It was Spaceballs

and all the Monty Python movies. Whoa. I feel like they kind of go hand in hand in a way. That makes sense to me. They're like similar type of like spoof comedy. And that's, that's wild to me because it,

it parodies the, you know, the star Wars universe, like so well, like every word, every scene, every piece of scenery is like, you know,

there's not a wasted moment in it. I mean, jamming the radar will forever just be one of the best things in movie history. And combing the desert. Unbelievable. I didn't, that one, I didn't even realize I didn't in movie history. And combing the desert. Combing the desert. Unbelievable. That one I didn't even realize. I didn't know what the word combing meant at that age.

But when I figured it out, I was like, oh, that one too. It's brilliant. I love it. Because those would have been the first VHS, right? Yeah, early on. Because I remember making the movie, and there was a long dry period where no one mentioned it. And then there was some of my wife's cousin, young kid, was at the table.

I said something at dinner about something was from Spaceballs. He goes, okay, can we talk about it? And he knew all my lines. And I thought, what happened? That's when you realized? VHS. Has there – Rewind, rewind.

Have there been other films or other things you've done that maybe weren't as well received off the bat like Spaceballs where you're like, look, I know we nailed this? I'm sure there are some times where you get done with a movie and you leave your trailer for the last time and you're like, that one was probably a little wishy-washy. But have there been some that weren't loved and you're like, no, I crushed that. I know we nailed it. I always feel that way about Mr. Wrong, which was this movie I did with Ellen DeGeneres. Oh, okay. Not huge. It was not liked.

I liked it. I like it. I still like it. I still think, you know, Whitman, this crazy guy who starts out as Mr. Right. He's so right. And then becomes so wrong. And she's so funny to work with and everything. And I thought, we know it.

I think there's something in there that's worth watching. And then, you know, Last Seduction was a movie that couldn't sell. And I thought, this is a noir movie that really kills. It was this great performance of Linda Fiorentino. And it's now kind of, especially among writers, it's got a cult following and everything. One of yours that had a cult following with my friends. And I don't know. I think it came out when I was a little younger.

And then by the time I got, I think it came out in 96 maybe if I remember. Igby Goes Down. Oh, yeah. I love Igby Goes Down. He does not stop talking about Igby Goes Down. It's like every single day. Have you seen Igby Goes Down yet? Did you watch it yet?

Did you watch it yet? I mean, I don't know how that one came out. I don't know what it is. But whenever I talk about it, people are like, what's that one? I haven't heard of that. I'm like, Igby Goes Down is a classic. I mean, when I see the cast, the cast is unbelievable. Yeah.

When he showed me, I didn't even believe it. Kieran Culkin is so good in it. I mean, it's Kieran Culkin, Amanda Peete, Claire Danes. Amanda Peete. Oh, my God, yeah. What's Susan Sarandon's in it? Goldblum it's Kira Culkin, Amanda Peet, Claire Danes. Amanda Peet. Oh my god, yeah. What's Susan Sarandon's in it? Goldblum. Goldblum, yeah. It's unbelievable. Ryan Felipe.

Everyone's in that movie. It's so good. Yeah, the real written by Burr Steers. So, it was really good, really good writer. And he hasn't done a lot since then, you know, movie-wise. But he nailed it

with that weird kind of... It's a little bit like Catcher in the Rye for that generation. A kid who's taught. I went to a boarding school, so me and my friends would watch it and be like, this is us. We're like the badasses. We run away. We go

to New York and drink a beer. It was like our little kind of – we like to picture ourselves as being in that movie. It was – I mean you actually kind of – I feel like your character in that, Jason, right? He – I feel like he kind of resembles Harry Ambrose in a way where he's a little – not totally, but he's sad. He's compassionate like you said. But he has illness. Yeah. I mean he's got a terrible monkey on his compassionate, like you said. But he has illness.

He's got a terrible monkey on his back. Oh, guess like Ambrose, yeah. That's true. I never thought about that. And I couldn't remember the name for the life of me of the character. You remember it's Jason. You got any questions about your own movie? He's got the answers for you, man.

If you're listening to this, go watch, well, first of all, go watch The Sinner if you haven't seen it yet. Then go watch Igby Goes Down. It's unbelievable. And I, you know, it's amazing the number of people who remember that shower scene.

Right? It was incredible. You were, I mean, you... Really haunting, weird thing. Yeah. Anytime you wear clothes... This movie sounds fucking weird, guys. Anytime you wear clothes

in the shower... Actually, I'm re-watching The Sopranos, and Tony recently, one of the episodes I saw, just got in the shower in his robe, and you're in your full pajamas, and they're crying. It's a very powerful scene. It's one that sticks with you a lot. Yeah.

Yeah. With Rory. Right. Culkin, and watching it through the mirror. Yeah. Some heavy stuff, man. Yeah. Yeah.

You have a lot of kind of heavy stuff I feel like on your, your resume. And in now you're in, in the BB, not now, but you were in the BBC in, uh, Torchwood.

Torchwood. Yes. Is there anything that you've thought is like that? Cause you're a pedophile and a child killer in that. Yeah. Yeah. Is there anything where you're like, look,

I'm not even going to play that. Is there anything where you would say. I have a long-standing theory that the people who write some of these movies and the people who can portray some of these roles as good as Skarsgård in Big Little Lies, he does a little too well for my liking. You guys are weird. You act weird with it.

I don't know how you can pull that off. Has there ever been something like, this is not for me? I think it's so... For sure there's been, but I put them out of my brain so fast because I just – I mean, if it's worse than the pedophile child killer, I mean, good choice by you, dude. That one was – because he starts out, those are deeds done, and now he's going to be killed. He's being lethal injections.

Got it. And that starts the movie, but he doesn't die. And it starts this whole realization that from him on, no one is dying anymore. And they call it Miracle Day at first, but that ends up being the real curse. Suddenly all the resources are being sucked up by people who are not going to get better, but they aren't going to die. That sounds awesome. Yeah. The BBC does great stuff.

And it's this Russell T. Davies. He's a brilliant producer, writer, producer, and he kind of reinvented the Doctor Who series, and now he did the- Which is humongous. What is it? An English Scandal, the thing with Hugh Grant. He produced that. And so he's got a great imagination, but I thought that's kind of like a Ray Bradbury concept.

No, I'm going to be honest. I don't. I don't know who Ray Bradbury is. Oh, you don't know who Ray Bradbury is? I was letting you go with a few things. I'm going to chime in now. That's so science fiction, though. You know, that's a version. He wrote all those great early stories about science fiction. He has his

own genre of science fiction. I've never been a big sci-fi guy. When it comes to Bill Pullman and sci-fi, we're talking Independence Day, pal. I mean, that is, that's where it starts and stops for me when it comes to alien movies. I mean, just all-time blockbuster,

cult classic, all of the above, big, small, and otherwise. When you were President Whitmore, and you're doing that movie, and obviously there are big stars. You know you're part of something big, but, and otherwise. When you were President Whitmore and you're doing that movie, and obviously there are big stars. You know you're part of something big, but did you know what it was? Did you know exactly what you were a part of? Not really, no.

And no one at that point, none of them were big stars. Will wasn't. Really? No, come on. He had a television following and everything, and he'd already been cast. But there wasn't. And Jeff was just starting on his epic journey. Right. But – and there was – because I remember that year, there was – there's always those forecasts of the 20 movies to watch for.

And that year at the – is it the January 1st? And it wasn't on there. Really? Yeah. What was ahead of it give me 19 movies more yeah give me a break that year they just was wasn't on it but then by then they started to run that ad campaign you know july 2nd they came yeah third they attacked july 4th the day we fought back. It's fucking great. And I mean, the beam of light and all the famous buildings around the world

exploding, it's like the greatest movie ever. I've thought for a long time that there should be a channel that runs exclusively Independence Day, The Rock, and Jurassic Park 24 hours a day. Anytime you turn it on, you're guaranteed to get one of those three movies.

And I also think, and I think maybe somebody started to do this now. You know, like on Christmas when they do a Christmas story 24 hours? On July 4th, they need to just run Independence Day

24 hours a day. And anytime you put on TNT or TBS, you get Independence Day. And maybe we even cut it down to just your speech. If there was just a channel

that did your speech constantly, I mean, that speech will live on. I think you should be the president. Or at least like the leader of our army because if anybody ever needs a pump-up speech when they're about to go into battle, you should be the guy doing it. Would you be interested in such a position? Man, no, no. You've got the best deal already from now on.

The reality of that is so miserable. It's fun to play. Yeah, fun to play. And from now on, the reality of that is so miserable. It's fun to play. Yeah, fun to play. And definitely – Is that something when you're reading that speech, you know that they knocked it out of the park and you know that you're about to knock it out of the park? Or is it just kind of until after the fact, until after you do it, you realize? I think back of the good – it reminds me of the other good speeches that I listened to to get ready for it. Which ones did you use?

The really amazing one was Robert Kennedy. He was slated to speak. He was already at the podium when someone came up to him and said, Martin Luther King has been shot. So you know this is extemporaneous. This is him

speaking to people who were shocked, who were feeling very divided. Suddenly black and white was on the table. He went to reference a Greek scholar and had a quote. He said, I know how you feel. I recently lost a brother. And so he went to this place of such composure but so much heart.

You know, that was a great speech. Interesting. I listened to that one. Bill Clinton had an amazing speech after the Oklahoma City bombing, you know, just at a time where we said, is this an American terrorist killing Americans? What is this? You know, and his, he gathered that spirit, you know, of pain and loss and everything,

but uniting people at that moment. You know, so I think about those, how hard it is to give a good speech and the circumstances where, you know, especially something like that, where you've got to come – you have so much responsibility making sense of something to people. You were saving the goddamn world. Yeah. I get it. Now, where do you go for something like someone like Harry Ambrose? Where do you go for inspiration for that or for something to look at for inspiration?

Because that's not – That's a different story. You can look to your heroes and very strong figures walking to random police stations. Like, who here likes hookers? Who wants to tell us that? Dive bars and sea alleys. Yeah, yeah. It's something to be, you think of finders and hiders.

There's people who are finding out things and then there's people who are hiding things. And the burden of hiding things is so complicated in the human mind. And just investigating that aspect of being someone who's hiding something that they know about themselves, that they can't stand, but yet they're protecting it at any cost. Which one's Bill Pullman? Ah! No easy answer there. A little bit of both.

Harry Ambrose is a beast. But I think that's what's so brilliant about the piece, to have somebody like that at the center of it. I mean, it's a great series. It's, I think recently with TV sometimes with, with all the new channels that are coming up and all the new outlets, you know, people used to be so used to certain channels have dramas and certain have

comedies and certain are, are, you know, big, important pieces. So I think in the beginning it kind of threw some people off, but when you watch that, I mean, it feels like you're watching a premium show or even like a movie in a sense i feel like people were surprised by jessica biel in season one like it was just such a pleasant surprise where it was like holy shit this is something different and that you come in so hot to start the series it was like oh wow you know you just get the feeling like this is something different than whatever i used to watch on this channel you Yeah. Oh, good, good.

I was surprised how in Europe too, it's really – because I haven't been just in England for these four and a half months. It was really almost kind of more than here in the States because there's so much product in the States. I don't know whether it's just less or something, but there were a lot of people coming to the play and then wanting to talk about the sinner after the play. Do you think that's because of Netflix? Almost like how you talked about with your nephew earlier with VHS with Spaceballs. Do you think Netflix is almost kind of the new age of that where people are getting a second run at it and it's getting put forth in front of your eyes? You kind of have to go find USA a little bit, right? Yeah.

You learn a lot of Netflix every time. Exactly. your eyes where you kind of have to go find usa a little bit right yeah yeah and you learn that like netflix every time it's exactly what i forgot this was that because in the states they haven't dumped the second season on netflix they're holding it to try to get the revenue out of it or whatever they have a strategy yeah but in in england they can watch both seasons so there's more people probably have tuned in because of that. Yeah. But then you hear them say it and they say, oh, you're on that Netflix series. Right, right, right. You know, so they don't. Whatever, however they're watching, right? As long as they're consuming it.

Yeah. I feel like you're a busy man and doing some heavy roles. What do you do to unwind? What is Bill Pullman's like? All right, I'm done with Harry Ambrose for a little bit. I'm done with five and a half months on stage in England. Yeah. You're a sports guy.

You're a music guy. I know this is a sports enclave here. I can see by the fact there's a swimsuit model here. That's very indicative of more of what we are. With a can of beer in front of me. But, no, I do, I like to, I have an orchard, you know, in L.A., and I kind of get back to that. I got to tend to – I like being outside, working on things. I'll tell you something.

I hate apple picking. Oh, really? Did you grow up on it? No, I just – when people want to go apple picking, I just don't see the appeal in it. I'd rather sit at home and watch The Sinner. I'm an indoors guy. Pick the apples for what? I don't get guy. Pick the apples for what?

I don't get it. But hey. But I've had some great sports thing, going to see soccer, which I have not been a soccer live, going to soccer. But I did a movie in Poland last year for about three and a half months, and they are all about those Warsaw teams and all those different European teams. Soccer is different. It's crazy. Oh, my God.

Different world. The World Cup is starting right now for America. The USA women started playing their first game at three. I think they're playing Cambodia? Colombia? Something like that. I forget. But even this office right here, which isn't typically soccer heavy.

Gets into it. Very, very into it. Personally, I'm a humongous Liverpool fan. Yes, and that was huge. Oh, my God, you know, our stage manager was not attending to the show. There was great concern that the things wouldn't work right because that

didn't show up. It started to air at 8 or something like that. Champions League, that's right. We were on the ropes about whether Greg was going to be phoning it in or is he going to be missing cues, or what's going to happen?

Now, you sound like the... Now, you went to the zoo, right? Yeah, zoo mask. You went to the zoo. Crazy. Now, I don't think of you as a zoo guy. You do not seem like a zoo mask guy. You ask anyone who went to the zoo, graduated, you say, what do you do to unwind? It's not they don't go hang out in their orchard.

Try to hit a gravity bomb. You're not through and through. You don't seem like one of those guys. University of Massachusetts has the largest ag program in the east. They have a great agricultural division.

They have an orchard there that I've gone to and there's geniuses that are making great cider. They have the largest agriculture in the east because all the weeds. I was going to say, they're growing. They are growing for sure. Are you from Massachusetts? I am from Massachusetts.

Which part? I'm from Fall River, which is the southeastern mass down by Rhode Island. We've got a few guys here who went to the zoo, though. And any time we've ever done an event or a party at Amherst, it's like our biggest, craziest, you know, shut it down. Oh, yeah. I mean, they live up to the zoo. The zoo hyping. So were you like a big apple orchard agriculture

guy going in, or you found that and discovered it there? Well, I had it, but I was closeted. I can imagine. You were experimenting with apples. And hiding it. I didn't go to any sporting events when I was there or anything. It was terrible. I was just in the theater.

So that was pretty much my life there. Well, it seemed to work out for you. Yeah. The minute men. Do theater people ever regret? Now, did you play sports? Did I? Yeah.

In high school? I was doing, my best sport was wrestling. Really? Yeah. Oh, you're a weirdo. Yeah. Wrestlers are weirdos. Wrestlers are weird.

There's something weird with you guys. You're a weird breed. I couldn't shoot basketball. I played a lot of basketball and I really wasn't that, I never got better, you know, really better enough to really do it. So I turned to, in the winter, if you're not basketball, you go to wrestling and then I actually never got better, you know, really better enough to really do it. So I turned to – I'll just fight you. In the winter, if you're not basketball, you go to wrestling.

Come on. You play hockey. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We only had a hockey team. But I play hockey a lot. You know, in the reflecting pools at Zoo Mass. Yeah.

When they first built that, you know, I used to play hockey out there all the time. Really? Yeah. We actually – I'm going to request it right now because I feel like there's no better time. Come do it. Tomorrow is game seven for the Boston Bruins. Stanley Cup final. Oh, my gosh.

Winner take all. Winner take all. Win you take the cup, loser go home. It's a huge, huge thing. Now, I've tweaked the President Whitmore speech a little bit for a hockey game. You don't want to do it? Can we not do it? Yeah, right.

We had to ask. We had to ask. Yeah, I know. I think you got so much out of taking that speech and tweaking it. You could do it on YouTube and get more hits than me doing it. Did you ever see when, I think famously, one guy just ran around New York City in different spots with a bullhorn, just

reciting a speech, and it was super viral. I never saw that. He just pops into such a park, just randomly, in people's faces. We will not go quietly into the night. That speech has lived on and probably will forever. I think it's going to get to the point where people think it's real.

The further we get away from the movie, people are going to be like, so what war was this? Like what president actually said this? No, it was a movie, man. Yeah, yeah. And there's wedding speeches, best man's doing them. Really? Everybody's doing them, you know. I mean, it is great.

I don't blame them. When did you get sick of it? Which I don't blame you for at all. I'm just curious. Five minutes after. It becomes like I think of a dog biscuit being held up for a dog and the dog has got to jump again for the biscuit. I didn't want to be the dog. Being the biscuit is better.

But I know I think that there are so many other people doing it so well. And I do – but I did think about that because of my daughter's getting married on June 22nd at the house. And so everyone is going, hey, you're going to give the speech. And I'm going, oh, I have to – this is a lot of pressure now. Yeah, man. But I thought that may be the one time i could do the speech you know i get off the hook but uh i think coming up with good words is always a you know it's a good thing to have some motivating thing like that speech you know or something to you know you think about trying to take everybody that's in us in an environment and bring them into one place you

know it's great well uh i mean from whitmore to Harry Ambrose, I mean, Harry is an all time character in my mind, even just from a couple of seasons, I was a big true detective fan as well. And I feel like you would have, did you ever watch that? Yeah. I feel like you would have fit in with McConaughey with your like weird, philosophical, dark, you know, tortured, investigating soul. So it's, it's, it. So when we first watched it, I remember thinking that this deserves awards and recognition and nominations. Good.

So I hope you guys get it because there's really no reason you shouldn't. Well, it's a good thing because, yeah, and it's in New York State, which is really good. It's like so close to the bone all the time and get to live in New York while we shoot it. So we're going to go starting in the fall. We have never shot. The first two seasons were in summer in New York. Fall in upstate New York. Yeah.

It gets bleaker and bleaker. I always forget. Does it really? Jesus Christ, man. You need to go do like a rom-com or something after you're done with The Sinner. bleaker and bleaker. I always forget that. Does it really? Jesus Christ, man. Oh my God. You need to go do like a rom-com or something after you're done

with The Sinner. You need to unwind. Mr. Wrong 2. Mr. Wrong 2. Have you ever seen Mr. Wrong? I haven't. I can picture being younger

walking out of the movie theater and seeing the poster. Once you said it, I could picture the poster. But I have not seen it. I will put it on the list if you think you crushed it. I could picture the poster. But I have not seen it, no. I will put it on the list. If you think you crushed it, I mean, I got to see it.

I think, you know, some of these scenes in there are some of the, like, you know, it's gotten to the point where she's realized I'm not Mr. Right, but I still am pursuing her. But you still have the jawline. I'm still coming on, and I meet her in a restaurant, and I say to her, how much do you think I love you? No, please, women, don't tell me. Enough to break my own finger? Because I will.

I will. I will. Ah, I did it. That's like weird comedy. The jawline. You know what you have, too? You've got a great squint. Good squint.

When you're like Harry and you squint, it's like, oh. It's a finder's look. You know something. You figured it out. You cracked the case. The show's great, man. We appreciate you coming through and we hope for the best with the awards and season three coming up. Thank you very much.

A lot of fun.