KFC Radio - Bum Feits, Headed to Prison, and Ben Schwartz

Episode Date: February 13, 2020

Feits is self conscious about what he's wearing after working on the Barstool Pond Hockey Tournament. KFC and Feits each come in hot with a proposition and a question. (Should we start doing opt out marriages? Should Feits become homeless?) We come up with a new podcast called the One Block Podcast. Voicemails include: Fake Gifts, Going to Prison Ben Schwartz joins the show. We discuss his new role as Sonic the Hedgehog and hanging out with Jim Carrey on press tours. He tells us the story of how he got his foot in the door in the entertainment industry. Also, Feits pitches him an idea that leads to singing.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network, brought to you by Thursday Boot Company. You got, you got like another couple months, let's call it. Oh, spring. Like true boot weather. Springtime. But then you get the...

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All right, let's get into it it it's another edition of KFC Radio our Miller Lite's here Feidelberg looks like a piece of shit you look like a bag of shit you are so self conscious about it you never look like this this is the worst I've ever looked maybe at a Barstool Gold's office

if you're watching on Gold right now stand up, go in front and give the people a little view. Barstoolgold.com slash KFC. You are wearing the NBD sweats, which I do like. Those are like quality sweats, but... Stained. Stained? With what? Oh, wait, you know what?

That's a lie. I scratched the stain off this morning. It's like when you kick the food under the fucking oven. Yeah, there was a stain here. I mean, yeah, it looks... It looks, I mean, i mean well here's the thing it looks like everybody else who works here but feidelberg always comes in you know looking styling but you you played a little hockey earlier today so you're in your gym wear basically right we had our barcelona hockey tryouts um what a fucking 28 bougie piece of shit you are what with the vineyard vines america's cup shirt

i mean this is as fucking white as it gets. That was probably from your boat that was in the race, wasn't it? Around the fucking team. But yeah, we had the Barcelona Pony Hockey Tournament today. Or practice, tryout, whatever the fuck it is. I got news for everybody.

We're fucking good. But you don't know what the competition is. Exactly. So you guys are on the ice. You're on the teams.'t know what the competition is. Exactly. You know that. You guys are on the ice. You are other teams. Number one in the AP poll. Who are the standouts? I mean, obviously, Rude Boy.

Rudy won a national championship. And that's a little bit unfair. YP played college hockey and continues. YP is the most active hockey player to this day, I believe. Right. Plays the men's league and all that shit. I think everyone else. I think Riggs is transferred to golf. I think Rudy's transferred to edibles.

Rudy is like, like Riggs and YP kind of wanted to like, quote unquote, continue the dream. Like Rudy just lived it. You know what I mean? Right. Like when you win the natty, it's like, okay. He probably was like, I don't want to play hockey. I'm done. You know, like I'm, I'm, I'm interested in retirement.

I had a buddy. Rudy retired. The other guys don't want to play hockey ever again. I'm done. You know, like, I'm interested in retirement. I had a buddy who played. Rudy retired. The other guys don't get to play anymore. Rudy retired. I had a buddy who played, like, good college hockey, but wasn't going pro after that. And after his last game, threw his skates in the trash. He was like. I ain't ever wearing these again. He's like, I didn't even really like hockey.

Yeah, right. He's like, I got a scholarship. It was a means to an end. I'm done. Fuck this shit. I mean, on a fake fucking level with high school. But I remember thinking that, like, when you realize that there's, like, there's no real future, and especially once in high school you start, like, drinking and partying and

shit, I was kind of like, well, I don't know. I just want to do more of that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, this sounds fun. Oh, no, I don't play basketball anymore. Now it just means more time for the things I like to do. You stopped playing in high school?

No, I mean, like, when I, like, played through high school, but I, like play basketball anymore. Now it just means more time for the things I like to do. You stopped playing in high school? No. I mean, like, when I played through high school, but I stopped caring. Yeah. Which, in retrospect, I actually kind of regret because we were never going to be good. But it was like I should have. Old me, if I could go back in time, would be like, this is going to be like your last, you know, 20 basketball games ever because you're never going to play again. So why don't you, like, try? But at that point, I was, like, showing up late, because I was, like, fucking my girlfriend.

I was, like, 16 years old, like, having sex, and it was like, I got to get to practice, but we can also have sex one more time. So, like, at that point, I was in different priorities. But, yeah, I can imagine the whole, like, when you played through college and, like, serious coaching and fucking, you know, some Herb Brooks shit. Like, again, again. It's like, okay, I'm never doing

this ever. We had a funny moment today in the team reveal where the jerseys were handed out and Grinnell's had a C on it. And he was just like, what the fuck? And Ari just goes, well, I guess we know who ordered the jerseys. It's like, listen,

I think Grinnell just popped a C on his own jersey that's i don't know that i i can't tell if i respect if i hate that or respect that move it's a wild man move is he good grinnell is i would put grinnell on handle i mean it's not with the upper guys right so he's like i Grinnell played high school hockey. Right. So he can handle himself, but he didn't play fucking national championship. Right, yeah. He didn't play Division I hockey. He played high school hockey.

I guess we know. He grows pretty good. Yeah. But he's not the captain of the team. I would have had one of those guys be the captain. And Rudy was... I mean, that's one of those things where Rudy probably doesn't really care about being captain of the team, but when he finds out he's not, he's kind of like, wait a second.

Yeah, that was his – Wait a second. He's probably confused we even have a captain. What the fuck do we need a captain for? It's a pond hockey tournament. But also he's like, there's going to be a pond hockey captain. It's fucking me. I'm the one with the national championship ring.

It should probably be me. That would be the standard way to go about this. But it's going to be fun. It's going to be a very, very fun weekend. If you're in – I think we're up by Plymouth State. If you're in New Hampshire, it's going to be fun. It's going to be a very, very fun weekend. I think we're up by Plymouth State. If you're in New Hampshire, it's going to be like a party weekend. It's not just like, you know, the Barstool Classic was

when you're playing golf. This there's a competition part and a party part. Yeah, there's live bands. There's like igloo bars. You can go even if you're not in a team. Yeah, spectators are encouraged. So if you're in the New Hampshire area, come out to Lake Winnipesaukee. It's going to be a fucking weekend.

Rally some boys together or gals. Mixed company. Whatever. Bring some Miller Lights with you and have a little Miller time on the ice. That's the way to do it. Head out to Lake Winnipesaukee on the ice. Play. I mean, first of all, play if you can. If you're on the team. Nah, you can't. It's only two minutes. No, but I mean, if you're playing,

bring yourself a case of Miller Lights to have on the fucking bench. Oh, we were talking about that. Me and Riggs on the team. No, you can't. It's only two minutes. No, but I mean, if you're playing, bring yourself a case of Miller Lids to have on the fucking bench. Oh, we were talking about that, me and Riggs on the way home. Because me and Riggs had to leave tryouts early. We had to come back for interviews. And in the car on the way home, we're like, boy, that first game is going to be fun. And then after the first game, we're going to get a few beers in the tent. You're going to be tired. That compete level is going to plummet.

Yeah. That compete level is going to plummet. Like, game one, you're going to want to win. Game two, you're going to want to survive. Yeah. Game three, I'm level is going to plummet. Yeah. That compete level is going to plummet. Like game one, you're going to want to win. Game two, you're going to want to survive. Yeah. Game three, I'm going to want to go home. Yeah. But listen, it's rare.

If you are playing, like I said, from everybody who retired high school athletes, it's rare that you get a chance to compete again. It is funny. It is very funny. Because this is my first time playing. I mean, we were fucking scrimmaging. I mean, Glennie and Double Block and Donald were on the ice the ice not in skates right so like it wasn't really the most intense thing but it is funny where just as a human you get like even flashes of primalness

we're like all right it's like 15 seconds of being like fucking really intense in the corner and then like maybe you lose that battle and you're like ah fuck i didn't want it anyway right like whatever man oh you look at you fucking try hard. And then, yeah, you click back to when you tried and when you were competitive, and then you realize your body's like, don't ever do that again. It was, dude, there are parts of my body today that just, nothing ever happened to my upper wrist,

but, like, when I was taking snapshots, it's just like, well, that just hurts every time it happens. Like, nope, don't do that. I don't know what it is. Stop doing that. Every time I take a snapshot, I was just like, ah, my fucking wrist. I do not have an injured wrist. It's just the way my wrist is.

You probably do now from taking a couple of slap shots. But it was very funny, too, just in the start. Because the first five minutes, probably, of the scrimmage, we're fairly intense. It was absolute melee because we had cameramen on the ice following us. No one's in the same color jerseys. It's fucking chaos. And Double Hockadon and Glennie were trying to run. It looked like a special needs school,

fucking trying to play some hockey. But the first five minutes, it was kind of like the hockey players were playing hockey. And then very shortly after that, I was like, all right, let's get Glennie involved. Hey, Glennie, this one's for you, bud. All right. This one's for you.

I love it. It's a little Miller time with the boys on the ice, on the bench, in the igloos, head up to Lake Winnipesaukee or wherever you may be. It's always the best way to watch a game, to have some laughs, to tell some stories. I went out last night and I had some Miller Lights with my buddy. And it was truly Miller time. It was a reminder of what my life was or what my life would have been if I didn't come here. First of all, I was wearing that Native American hoodie, which I like.

But that's for here. And then I went out and everyone shows up in a sweater vest and a suit. Fuck that. Wear your fucking sweatshirt. I know. But I'm just saying, I was like, wow, this like, this would have been me, you know? And we just started like. You know what they say?

What's that? If there's a room full of t-shirts, most important guys in a suit. If there's a room full of suits, most important guys in a sweatshirt. All right. All right. I like that. I like that. I like that. So we were just doing baseball trivia and regaling just story time again. This one guy was from Cleveland, and he was telling us a story of Buddy McGreevey, who was this 6'9 union worker who – just ridiculous stories from you know, on the fringe of legality and the things they do.

And, you know, we did four players who hit home runs when they were teenagers and when they were 40 plus. And four players who won a World Series and hit 50 home runs in the same season. And so we're drinking our Miller Lights. We're, like, busting each other's balls. And, like, you know, every few, we'd be like, Luis Gonzalez. He's like, yep, that's one. That's one. And I was just like, this is what normal life would have been.

I come out from the bar after the markets close. And we drink, tell stories, and talk about sports. And I was like, because we do that here. Who were the four? The home runs were A-Rod, Gary Sheffield, Rusty Staub, and Ty Cobb was like an ancient one. And then the 50 home runs one is interesting because the one that they thought was hard was the one I thought I had the best chance to get. It was Luis Gonzalez. 50 with the Diamondbacks.

To me, like I watched that. They didn't get it in time, but Ibacks. To me, I watched that. They didn't get it in time, but I probably could have thought my way through that. All the other ones are just old Yankees. So it was just like, Maris, yes. Ruth, yes. Mantle, yes. But to me, I feel like I could have actually thought through Luis Gonzalez better. But because we do all that shit here, it's not like I'm like,

I've got to get out of work And go to the bar With the boys And talk sports You know I just fucking did all that You know So it was nice to have Like a little

Go home and be alone And watch TV Yeah right I was like I'm gonna watch Yeah like The Bachelor tonight Yeah it was nice to have A nice little Miller time session

With the boys So you should Do the same Celebrate responsibly With the Miller Brewing Company In Milwaukee, Wisconsin 96 calories And 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

Great tasting Miller Lite. Friends before followers. Drink up. I have two. I have a question and a proposition. Which one do you want first? Interesting. I have a proposition and a question, in fact.

Okay. So why don't we do our propositions and then our questions. Okay. Now, who goes first within the propositions, me or you? You. Okay. This is actually not my proposition. I will propose it to you, though.

Last episode, we were talking about marriages and relationships and whatnot. Right. And I don't even remember what we were saying, but I think, you know, as always, we're kind of talking about the the pitfalls of relationships and marriages and breaking up and divorce and all that. And one of our followers and one of our longtime listeners, Danielle, hit me with what I think is a fucking brilliant idea. She called it the five-year opt-out. Now, we've talked about having opt-outs in relationships before. There should be an agreed-upon, you know, do the LeBron, do every two years. There's like, we'll revisit, and maybe sometimes there's a male option,

sometimes there's a female option, maybe there's a mutually agreed-upon option. But certain benchmarks throughout your relationship where maybe we re- reevaluate what's best for our future, right? So I was like, I've heard the opt-out before, but this idea I like a lot better. You get married. I'll just read her a DM. A friend of mine got married a few years ago and they just decided they're splitting, but it turns out they threw a wedding but never actually filed any of the paperwork. They don't own a house. So she just moved out of the apartment. And it's just a breakup. So, so many people are often like, I'm not doing the whole marriage thing.

I'm just going to go down to the courthouse and sign the paper. You should do the total opposite of that. Throw the party. Have the celebration. Your mom's happy. You get the daddy- mom's happy you get the daddy daughter dance you get grandma gets to see you before she dies and because oh this is where it came in my idea of the starter marriage that's where it was it's like you should be able to get married and then you know it should be the first one you work on maybe it was more mail time that we were talking

about that so maybe this is a mail time idea but the idea was like you always you always have a relationship to learn from it's like all right i learned what it's like to be in a committed relationship i learned what it's like to live with someone and then you get married and then that's it you're supposed to just know how to do it right away so you really should have a starter marriage where it's like you get to learn and i'll figure it out better for my second marriage but the divorce process is so ugly and so hard this i mean this this avoids the whole thing it's i don't see the problem with it i i i'm uh i'm i'm very into lying to people so that's good it checks that box scratches that itch just like yeah i'm gonna lie to everyone in my life. Even borderline friends.

People I don't really care about. I'll lie for no reason. What did you have for lunch? Pizza. I had a hamburger. I don't fucking know why I did that. I just did it. I'm just going to tell you that I'm married.

So that's a thing. It's like in The Departed when Alec Baldwin was trying to tell Matt Damon to get married. He's like, you got to get married. Let's see what you got. You're stable. You're stable. You're normal. You're not queer. It's a social norm.

Look, I got married. Right. But here's the thing with that. The nice part of the, look, we're just going to fucking do the legally thing. I guess it's really that's an investment. You got to look at it as an investment for your future. Whereas the sign in the paper, right, You're like, well, we're married. Done.

It didn't cost money. We are married. We love each other. Right. Might cost you a lot of fucking money down the road. Yeah. You want to pay that money up front. Yes.

I'll pay the money for the party. To avoid the pitfalls later. And then we'll see once we decide, okay, this is going to work. Then we'll sign papers and not have to deal with the lawyers. I mean, do you know what the relief for them must have been like? I mean, kids always complicate the situation so if you're if you don't have kids it's already easier to get divorced but then on top of it if you don't have to do the whole fucking divorce it's just a breakup save all your money everybody that that's gotta be the

happiest breakup in the world if it is mutually agreed on anyway it's like all right like this wasn't working you're right and we just get to go and yeah maybe it's like an awkward conversation with your family but that's way better than fucking legal fees and court dates and all that shit we can fuck your family man who gives a fucking shit like i sent him a text hey mom we got the didn't work didn't work we got hey mom uh we got divorced but breaking news the whole thing was a sham anyway because we faked it you just take that one to the grave right to the fucking grave right to davey jones's locker Yeah. That's it. That's fucking mine. Divorce.

Ben Messi. Real tough. Borrow a couple bucks. It'd be nice. Get the sympathy. Get the money. I feel that. I'm very broken up about the whole thing.

It's been a messy divorce. I'd be watching just like divorce movies. Just reading the quotes. Yeah. Just like I'd be watching The Breakup. Like, yeah, I know she wanted me to want to do the dishes. And just wasn't worried. Insert, insert fucking broken up guy.

This is how I live my life anyway. Like I just become an actor and I just act in the real world. So I would just study films about divorce. And I would just be like, I become an alcoholic for a while. And like for a while. Yeah. Become one. Yeah, so I dip my toes in the alcoholism water.

Just spent a lot of nights at bars and strip clubs. It's like, John, why are you here? Well, I'm always here, but I got divorced. Just being drunk at an open mic. My wife will have to be. I mean, am I crazy to think that this is... You know what? It would be a great excuse for a real bendy.

A divorce bender? Yeah. There ain't no bender like a divorce bender. Everyone's like, yeah, I mean, he's crazy to think that this is... You know what? It would be a great excuse for, like, a real bendy. A divorce bender? Yeah. There ain't no bender like a divorce bender. Everyone's like, yeah, I mean, he's going through some stuff. Just, you know, if he's still doing this in six months, we'll check it out. Right, right. Now it's a free pass. Yeah.

I legit think this is a good idea. I do, too. Like, out of all... I just think it's very hard one to convince any... It would be hard to... If I wanted to get married, it would be impossible to convince me to do it. Well, yeah, we've been over that before. But I just mean, like, I'm speaking for anyone who wanted to get married it'd be impossible to convince me to do it well yeah we've been over that before but i just mean like i'm speaking for anyone who wanted to get married if like you're

the person in a relationship who wants to get married yeah it's gonna be you gotta do it like well this i think honestly out of all people i want to say kat timp once tweeted this some girl that i know was like in media or whatever and she was kind of like do i want to get married like one day like sure yes i want to fall in love and like have a partner? Yes. Do I want to like legally sign away my possessions and my career and like all that? Like I don't want to do that for anybody.

And it really is kind of crazy that we, it's like separation of the church and state. Like there should be separation of like your life's work and your romance because one is very tangible and logical and earn money, did this, get money, like promotion. And the other one is completely subjective, arbitrary, emotional, like ups, downs, who knows. So to be like, yeah, I'm going to give you all this or I'm going to conflate those two things. Like, why the fuck is that the rule?

Why is that? Why do we do that? Why do we do that? Especially now? I wonder if that's going to change because I think it used to kind of be like, you know, women don't work. Men come home, make the money. And so you have to assure me that like I, you know, I get some of that money because

I'm going to be raising the family and the home and all that. But now that everyone's going to have their own careers, it's like, why are we tying our professional achievements to our romantic endeavors? That's fucking insane. It makes no goddamn sense. I mean, I wonder if you can tell that maybe this is striking a personal chord. But it's just like, I don't know why we must, why that is included. Like, when people are like, oh, well, you got to like, you got to do it for like the

tax breaks and shit. It's like, why the fuck are taxes related to if you're married or not? I don't understand taxes at all. I also don't think that's a thing because all I know is when I got married, we combined our incomes and I got butt fucked on taxes. I never once was like, oh, good. We're married, so XYZ is happening in a positive way. It was always like, yeah, well, now we get fucking raped on taxes and all this shit. So I don't get any of it.

So you should just do a fake wedding. Don't sign the papers. Honestly, I feel like I don't have an example of this, but I feel like there's some in Hollywood and I feel like everybody knows like somebody or has heard of a couple that's just together forever. Yeah. And they're like, we just don't feel the need to go do the whole official thing. And I feel like, at least in my head, those are always the happiest people. The ones who are like, yeah, we have a couple kids and a dog and we're basically married, but we're not.

So if shit ever pops off, we're fine. My uncle did that. They eventually got married, but I think they were dating for 24 years. And it was just like, we're good. Yeah. I don't know. And then when they did get married, they just went to like, I forget, they went to some island in the Caribbean and just did it by themselves. And they probably

never signed the paper. Maybe not. I bet you they're saying it. Let's go back to the fucking Braveheart days. Remember in Braveheart, they just wrapped their hands together in that fucking cloth? Vaguely. Who was that chick in Braveheart, by the way? hands together in that fucking cloth vaguely there was no who was that chicken in Braveheart

by the way what a weapon yeah she was sexy almost as actually not almost hotter than the chicken in Knight's Tale but very close

Knight's Tale also the chicken gladiator was sexy I don't remember her oh I'm thinking of the yeah whatever I'm thinking of 300

that's oh that's Cersei yeah so my proposition being the five-year opt-out, a.k.a. the fake get married but don't get married, I think that's getting two thumbs up from up here.

It's a good one, yeah. I'm into it. I mean, I think it's a great one. Your proposition is? I think I need to be homeless for a little bit. Brother, you basically are, okay? You got four walls and a roof over your head, but you certainly live homeless. No, here's what happened.

Yesterday I was walking home, and a guy very, like, as I was walking. That was said with way too much, like, sincerity and, like, you know, actually a question that you're really going to talk through here, aren't we? Well, I was walking home the other day, and this guy, it was raining. This guy's in a little ball. And as I was walking by him, him, I had already passed him. And he's like, hey, can I have a buck? And I kept walking.

I was like, what a timid-ass homeless dude. Like, buddy, you've got to eat or be eaten out here. That would be you as a homeless guy, though. But I think he's going to learn, and he's going to get better at it. He's going to be like, bitch, give me money. You get better at it. Because that's what I'm worst at in life is asking for things I want or even things I deserve. Terrible. I You get better at it. Because that's what I'm worst at in life is asking for things I want or even things I deserve.

Terrible. I'm very bad at it. If I was homeless for a bit, I would develop that ability. It would be through necessity. I mean, yeah, it's sink or swim. Yeah, I'd have to do it. You don't know how to swim? They throw you in the deep end?

You're going to swim. But in order to be homeless for a bit, I would have to light all my money on fire. Because, like, you won't let yourself be homeless if you have money. Right, it's like when you're like, look, if you study for a little bit, then you can go out, and you're like, what am I going to go on now? And then I'll fucking figure it out later.

If I was like, be homeless for three days, and then we'll fucking... Then you can go back to your room, like, I'm going to go home now. You probably should just go, like, buy... Like, pick, like, two or three huge expenses, and then it's gone. Be like, yeah, I mean...

Yeah, but I have, like, a fucking... Yeah, but I have a fucking Lexus. What a house! You can't buy a shelter. You can buy a car. You can live out of your car. That's probably semi-homeless. No, I've got to be full. I've got to ask people for money.

I wouldn't do it if I was in a car. Imagine if you were cruising in a Lexus, slow riding. Like, yo, man, I promise I'm homeless. I would just chill in my car. This is beautiful. What a sanctuary. All right, so let me just hold your money for a little bit, bro. Okay.

I promise I won't spend it. I'm like, I'm like. I like to lie for no reason. I'd be like, I'm like Adam Sandler in Uncut Gems. Like, yeah, let me just hold it for a couple days. I'll give it right back. I'm going right to my lawyer. Like, here you go.

And I'll end up being the fucking homeless one. We'll be homeless one. We'll be homeless together. We'd be a great homeless tandem, you know? You think so? Yeah. I think we'd just sit in the corner and fucking complain. We would for the first six months. Dude, this sucks.

I know it's the worst. I'm sad about it. Whose idea was this? Whose idea was we supposed to be homeless? But I feel like we would eventually come up with a good hustle, like a good racket. Kevin, there's no chance. No, there is. There is.

Because we're great at this. It'd be like we'd be doing a routine for people on the street. Oh, yeah. Every time I walk by a guy doing a routine on the street, I'm thrilled to see that. Any time I've ever really given money, it's when somebody is funny enough. It's very rare. But if you actually can provide a little bit of value i'll consider it more so than just people straight up begging right and if i don't know but like imagine

here's what we're gonna do people would hate this we would never get any money like we would we just like run up on someone on either side of them and we do the one block podcast for one block we walk on either side of you and we just like have a fucking podcast and if we make it to like 34th street from 33rd to 34th and you liked liked it, you got to give us a dollar. I love it. That's a great hustle. And I think it would work. I think it would work.

We might just have to do this. It might even be a video series. I love every part of it. The One Block Podcast. Get your fucking equipment on, man. We just come in mid-conversation, so they don't even really know what it's about yet and we're just like we're just laughing and cracking jokes and shit and by the time if we if we can't get like a dollar out of you and like 150 feet like then fine we turn around genius absolute genius get some exercise in or walk in the one block podcast

that might be our new job like we started out homeless now we're rich from the one block podcast if we're not gonna well i mean realistically we're rich from the One Block Podcast. If we're not going to... Well, I mean, realistically, we're probably not going to do this, but someone else should. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we should set up the homeless people. It's like... Maybe we should go produce some homeless people. It's like a combo of, like, Billy Eichner and us, I guess.

Yeah. It's exactly what it is. A little less yelling and a lot less running. Well, I think we say a little less yelling, but then... When we get going? I think we just... Billy Eich, but then... When we get going? Billy Eichner fucking screams in your face. Right, right.

We'd be yelling at each other. He's fucking hilarious. I love Billy Eichner. He is so goddamn funny. I only, like, I mean, I always knew of Billy on the street or whatever, but I watched it recently, like, episode after episode for a while. I mean, it is... The people... It's like pizza reviews with someone who's like, I don't know, like, cracking jokes and

shit like that, you know what I mean? The amount of people you can find on the streets in New York are just fucking out of control. There's one Billy Eichner clip that is fucking so funny where he's just screaming at a girl to name a woman for a dollar. And she can't. She's so scared of him. You know what's funny?

Her brain just can't think. He's like, I'm trying to. He's like, I'm just saying I need a woman. Say a woman. Say it. A woman. How about this? I wonder if you could do this because it sounds like so easy. I don't know what the time constraint was.

I'll give you – it was probably a minute, right? But a minute seems like a lot. He said, name 20 white people. Oh, I'm sorry. Now. Go. 20 white people. Famous sorry now Go 20 white people Famous or regular

Yeah yeah So Hang on How do you reset this shit Reset Go Larry Bird Mike Trout

Chris Sale Patrice Bergeron Brad Marchand Zdeno Chara I thought you said Patrice O'Neal I was like definitely not Zdeno Chara

Tuka Rask Chris Cor Corrali, Charlie McAvoy. I'm just naming the boss of the group. Yeah, it's insane. These are like some people I've seen. All right, Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Margot Robbie, Quentin Tarantino. Once upon a time in Hollywood. Steve Martin. Yeah, you find the group.

Steve Martin. Jared Leto. Matthew McConaughey. Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. Aaron Rodgers. I mean, so I think it might have been like 30 or 45 seconds. So like you think that that's something.

I think it was Amy Poehler doing it. She couldn't do it. She was like, ah, ah. And, you know, the time went off and she was like fucking tom broke all like she all these white people started flooding into her head but like things like that are harder than you would than you would realize yeah at one point you were hitting some guys i was like that's just yeah i would i would i would have named the whole boss if you didn't make me move on um all right so we we figured out um fake marriages you're

gonna be homeless. We're going to do the One Block Podcast. A lot going on in this. I mean, it's a big one. Questions. Now to the questions portion of the show. Questions are brought to you by LetGo. So as we're going to become homeless people, we must not have any worldly possessions.

That's like step one of being homeless. You already don't have any worldly possessions, nor do I really. I don't have anything of value. I do have two televisions at the moment. Nope. One is broken and has been broken for about nine months. And it's a nice-ass TV. It's one of those curved ones.

Oh, that's – what a fucking scam that was. You can't buy a TV. I don't want to be an idiot. I don't want to be painted as an idiot. I didn't pay like a premium for it. I actually got a bomb-ass deal on it. I never once thought that curved was a thing. But there were definitely people out there who probably paid $4,000 when it first came out because it was curved.

For TVs, you've got to wait two years to make sure they work. Because it's like a 3D TV. Fuck that, man. That's not even real. I don't want to watch that. But mine broke. And the little sensor thing just started flashing, started, like, flashing red. And it just doesn't turn on.

And so I Googled it. And I YouTubed it. And, like, here's how to fix it. And I'm thinking it's going to be like, you YouTubed it? Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm like a handyman, bro. And I'm thinking it's going to say, like, press menu and go to options and da-da-da. And the fucking – all of the YouTubes are people unscrewing it, taking it apart, and, like, rewiring the circuitry.

So I was like, that is now just a wall ornament. And I just have my TV that I use right underneath it on a table. So I just have a big black screen, and underneath it is balancing on a table like another tv of almost equal size and uh my daughter says to me all the time like what the fuck's going on with this thing here she's like what's up with that one dad i'm like it's broken she's like it's gonna be broken forever i was like yes sweetie it is because it also was mounted when i moved in the guy like the landlord was like renovating and cleaning everything up, and he was like, I have these guys that can just mount it for you.

So I didn't do the mounting. I don't know how to unmount it. It's like some heavy-duty shit. It belongs to the wall now. Yeah, yeah. So now I just have these. It's a load-bearing television. Yeah, it's part of the infrastructure now.

Can't take this down. So I probably should go on LetGo and be like, here's a TV, and if you can come and get it off the wall, you can have it for a great price. Great would be the price. Well, probably, but it is like a $1,000 TV at least. You've got to fix it. You've got to give it away. $10.

That's true. You've got to give that TV away. Bring me a fucking pack of Miller Lite. But I got that. I've got so many sneakers. I've got so much junk. This is actually going to lead in very well to my question. I got so much stuff that I just don't need that other people would love to have and probably would even pay a few bucks for.

And that's exactly what LetGo is for. It's an online marketplace to match buyers and sellers. Some people trying to get rid of stuff. Some people trying to acquire stuff. Some people are moving in. Some people are moving out. Some people are upgrading. Some people are down in some people are moving out some people are upgrading some people are downgrading and in every case there's uh you know one man's stuff is another man's other stuff they might need uh it's the biggest fastest growing online marketplace right now for any and all

things that you want to move and so you can go to let go today and start moving out all that stuff making some extra cash or saving money on uh secondhand stuff and so live and let go and go download the let go app i had a cleaning lady come today ah and i have not done so in a while i've been trying to uh cut costs and that seems like one of the spots that you know it's like i can clean you know i don't have to have a cleaning lady aka i just don't clean and i don't have to have a cleaning lady, a.k.a. I just don't clean, and I don't have a cleaning lady, and my place is a fucking wreck. My kids come, and – I mean my kids do an inordinate amount of damage. I bet it's the same. I guess it is, but sometimes I look around, and I'm like, what the fuck happened here?

Like did you – you guys got out every single toy. You all – like I – J.S. for Lucky Char lucky charms and i swear to god she just takes the bowl and dumps on the floor every time like i turn around i do something i turn back lucky charms everywhere like what happened shay and she's like what do you mean why are they not in the bowl and then she's like sorry daddy i'm like fuck it's okay here's another bowl that you're gonna throw on the ground i mean there's this shit everywhere right so i finally caved though and i had this cleaning lady come now on top of that i think i explained this the other day i mean i have so many clothes and i don't have any i don't have enough furniture dressers drawers to put it in

and so i just have like a laundry basket full of clothes here and another laundry basket that's unfolded there a pile there like shit everywhere so my really crushing single dad life if you saw my apartment you in one second be like this is like a 35 year old guy two kids ages four and two uh i i i i could i could not even imagine if I had brought anybody home recently. They would be like, nope, see you later. This place, absolutely not. You'd be surprised. Yeah, I guess you find the right clientele.

You could drag them into a temporary room with nothing on the walls. White walls, temporary room. People still fuck you. Temporary room. People still fuck you. So I had a cleaning lady come and she cleans caitlin's place and and my nanny's place you know so i definitely did the clean before the clean because i didn't want the cleaning lady going back and be like oh mr kevin like his place sucks my nanny and and my uh the mother of my kids be like you scumbag

how much should i pay them should i have paid them because it's too late now i left a certain amount of money um like what like like the usual was like 140 apparently oh you had a deal out there yeah so for like a similar size department but mine was deplorable what would you have left um mine would you have just gone 140 like i was thinking like i don't know listen some houses are kind of clean some houses are really dirty like if 140 is the rate 140 is the rate but it's on 200 yeah that'd be easy yeah so i went i went 250 oh yeah yeah we're good okay the i took out 500 at first i was so embarrassed and i was embarrassed that I was like, I'm paying you to clean. I'm paying you to keep quiet.

Dude, this is a premium on you not telling anybody else in our circle how dirty my apartment was. You know what's the interesting thing about it is that you – it's like everything in life. You think you're the worst. Yeah, I'm sure there's some shit. Like David Sedaris has a short story about when he was a cleaning person in New York City. And it's just, like, the filth he saw.

People just, like, dead animals and shit. People, like, walking around naked in the apartment while he's cleaning and stuff like that. Right, right. I have some clothes on the floor.

Right. I'm, like, the upper echelon of people. That makes me feel better. Right? Like, there's... I don't have... There's nothing disgusting here.

You're not cleaning out my flashlight. I threw that away before you came because I didn't want you to find it. That's why. I threw it right down the chute. Right down the garbage chute. I was like, it was like 2 o'clock in the morning. I knew he was coming in the, my guy, I have a cleaning man. I knew he was coming in the morning.

And I knew I was never using the flashlight again. Right. And I was like, you know what? This can't be out. So I just went right walked down my hallway right there i think i'd be comfortable with a cleaning guy cleaning guy comes i'd be like bro i don't know you know what it's like right cleaning lady who's gay he doesn't all right so that's like same thing then yeah i need like a straight white male to come and be like, it's all good, bro. I'll clean this shit up. But guess what?

That would be the worst cleaning man ever. I'd come home and it would be like, he just moved a pile over there. Come home, he's using my flush. All right, so I probably overpaid a little bit, but I'm happy that I didn't like underpay that you guys weren't going to be like, you got to give me like 400 bucks. No, no, no. Dude, my apartment is 300 bucks to clean and it's just, that's like, you know, that's without tip.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, that's a Manhattan thing, I feel like, you know, you move out of the city and you just get everything a little. But it's like, you're not 20 minutes away. I know, it's crazy. I'm like, yeah, girl,

you should like just go clean across the border and double your fucking rate. Right. Take the train to work. I was not only paying for her silence. Dude, I remember when I was a kid, my parents' house got cleaned for $75. I was going to say $70, yeah. $75?

Like four fucking floors and a basement and an attic. It's a big house, $75. I remember seeing the check once when I was like 14. I was like, wait, she does the whole thing? Yeah. She takes her all day. That's like the great. Well, that was why I was thinking about maybe I have to pay her once when I was like 14. I was like, wait, she does the whole thing? Yeah. She takes her all day. Well, that was why I was thinking about maybe I have to pay her more because I was like, if I find out that ordinarily they would do two houses in a day and now they can't because of me,

I feel like I've got to double the fucking rate. Right. But she also did come in and took a look around kind of and said like, so do you want to do this regularly? It wasn't like she came in and was like, oh my God, we're getting the fuck out of here. Right. So once I heard that she was like, oh, I can come like once a month. I was like, okay, this can't be, you can't be that appalled. Right.

But I certainly was. Yeah. I mean, I feel like she would have told you, Hey, you know, this is gonna be a little extra. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, I took care of it.

All right. We're good. Your question. I, this is, I was walking behind. It's not really a question. It's more just like an observation. I was walking behind. It's not really a question. It's more just like an observation. I was walking behind this guy the other day. I think I was walking home from work.

And he had on – I'm going to grab Brendan's backpack to example. Barstoolglobe.com slash KFC. But he had on his backpack, right? And then one arm was like this, but it wasn't off. One sling wasn't off in a cool way. It was still above his elbow, and he was kind of walking like this. Just drooping.

Dragging. Is that the universal sign for the most tired person on the whole planet? It's happened to me before. I didn't notice it until I saw it, but there have been times where I'm walking home and I know my bag is down by my elbow. And I'm like, I just don't give a shit. I will take that a step further with the bag.

I've done that with, like, a baby bag. Oh, a baby bag. That's when people will take pity on you. Like, I'll be walking around, like, my hair is, like, a fucking wreck. And the kid's, like, one kid's over there. I'm grabbing the other kid. The bag is falling apart. People are like, do you need help?

I'm like, yeah, yeah. With your life. Do you need me to come over and help you? I'll clean your apartment. It's such a weird stage of tired though. I'm thinking about when I have my backpack like that and I don't know if it's probably making things worse for you you should just fix it

mentally speaking I don't know if I'd let you rape me or if I'd murder you for looking at me it's one of those things where you just be like whatever dude I don't care or who the fuck do you think you are? It's like you could snap one way or the other.

If you see a man with one strap hanging, you either try to fuck him or run away. I don't know. No one's ever tried to do anything, like talk to me in that state. So I don't know how I'd react. I might go nuclear or I might just collapse into a ball and die. I'm interested to see how I do it. There's no way to find out how John Fylde. I mean, there's a way, but I can't plan it.

And one day we're going to learn. And you might learn about it in the paper. Well, you might learn about it from me. I don't know. You might be dead and never find out. You might never know. John got fucking stabbed through the brain with a screwdriver. He asked

the guy to do it. There's no way of knowing what would happen. But it had me thinking about the most tired things, like looking things where you just see that person and you're like, you poor fuck. I feel like you see it a lot with like at a train station or when there are bags.

I mean, I remember seeing people, like the last train home from Jersey to New York in the summer when it's like people are coming back from share houses and shit. And you see people. It's The Walking Dead. I mean, it was like – But that's – I think hungover is different. Hungover is different than just like eternally tired. Like life is just beating you down.

I'm broken. Oh, you know what's the good one? It's not – I was going to say eternal again It's not forever You are broken You know what's a really good one The broken umbrella guy When it's raining

And you can tell he paid five bucks For the Korean on the corner And you get your money's worth A gust of five mile an hour wind Shredded I have never made it to the end of the block yeah never and then and then the people it's only happened twice but the people who try to continue to hold on just throw that on the ground it's stress and i i've seen around uh you're holding a lightning bolt

lightning attracting trash the guy holding the newspaper probably has more protection than you because those news those umbrellas are just one piece of newspaper. At least he has like several editions of the newspaper, several pieces of it. That is the biggest scam going. That will last you 25 feet. One block podcast would not even last the whole fucking – the whole show. It is – that is to me when you are down and out is when you're that guy holding it and just, like, soaking wet and holding something, praying you do get struck by lightning. Just please, Lord, hit me.

I thought you were an untied shoelace. Mm-hmm. Because you look like— Oh, and how about people who, like, tell you? Sure, your shoe's untied. I know, bro. It's about six feet away. I had to go all the way down there to tie it off.

Fuck you. It's after 5 p.m., and it's six feet away, so no fucking thanks, dude. Yeah. It's like— That's a great one. They're like, I'll watch it drag. Fuck you. It's after 5pm and it's 6 feet away, so no fucking thanks, dude. That's a great one. I'll watch it drag. It's like going through puddles and stepping on it. It's such a sad drag. There's a dead worm dragging behind your foot.

I don't know what to do, but this is the way life is now. The the the undone tie has kind of become too in vogue. Yeah, it's almost like you're doing it on purpose. I think the half, if you have half the shirt out. Yeah, that's a good one.

Only like half untucked. You're like, oh, that guy might have just fought a homeless person. He doesn't even know. He's moving and it's out. He's just like, oh, whatever. I look like a bag of shit. What the fuck? It's like that guy looks like an investigative journalist in a movie.

But that's just how he is today. He's not acting. He had a bad 9 to 5. It's not a lifetime of alcoholism that led him here. Just a tough day. And it's getting worse. He's got to go home. It's like, you thought that work was the bad day?

No, the bad day is just about to start. You've got to go home you know it's like uh you thought the work was the bad day like no the bad day is about to start yeah you got to go home to the wife and kids you might as well just jump in front of the tracks right now bro the eternally tired let us know i'm sure there's a million more signs especially in this city man like you said this is the city where you can just walk and find people crying this is where you find people who are down and out you can walk in any city by people crying the pride cry walk them and and cry with their chest out. I earned these tears. That's right.

I'm a survivor. If you knew what my day was like, you'd be proud to. All right, voicemails next. And then we got Ben Schwartz on the show. John Ralphio, and he's this improv fucking genius. He's now Sonic the Hedgehog He was one of I mean we

I feel like we boxed this We should have had like KFC Radio like guest week You know what I mean From Rob to Jason Biggs To Ben Schwartz was like Bam, bam, bam These are three all time interviews in a row

We could have rolled them out With all sorts of fanfare and promotion. And instead, this is just what we do. Just like, oh, guess what? Another Hall of Fame fucking interview from a goddamn Hollywood superstar. Ben Schwartz is on the show. He's one of those guys who just like – we always say that the best interviews are people with podcasts. And I think I'm going to one-up that.

He's like an improv expert. So he's just like i like when people throw a back on us you know like he was asking us questions he was challenging us at one point he makes us sing so buckle up we're doing we're doing like uh we're doing like instrumental like beat boxing at one point so uh really great interview with him all about sonic and parks and rec and just his he has a very fascinating story of how the ultimate snake it till you make it mail time move for him to land his first gig and all the different jobs he's had in Hollywood. So Ben Schwartz coming up in a little bit. First, we'll do our voicemails.

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stiff you know what i mean so there's all these different ones that are that are you know claiming to be the new best and they all have their own you know down Right here, attitude, we're talking about bamboo sheets, bruh. Bamboo technology, which I'll be honest, I don't fucking get. I don't get it. Because bamboo is hard like wood. But we had those bamboo shirts. Yeah. Those bamboo shirts were so comfortable.

They're like the soft, like it's weird that the bamboo, I think of like pandas like crunching them like celery sticks. I think of bamboo sticks like celery sticks. That doesn't sound like it would be comfortable to sleep on, but it is. The bamboo shirts we had were like super thin and soft. They were beautiful. I think they also – they're like good for you, like healthy to wear. I don't know how it works, but the bamboo technology is life-changing. I'd like some of this Etitude, please.

How about this? This one guy, he said that the Etitude bamboo sheets make 1300 count Egyptian cotton feel like sandpaper. I'll tell you this right now. When I was in college and I'm like young I didn't even know it went up to 1300. I got like 300. I didn't know it went up to 1300 until five minutes ago. 1300?

If these blow 1300 out of the water. I want some. Me too. I really really want that and Etitude I would very much like. Me too. I really, really want that. And attitude, I would very much like. Please do. I do not know what size my bed is. So why don't you just throw in a middle one?

Can you name the bed sizes? Yeah, I think so. Go. Tween. Nope. Twin. Twin, full, regular, queen, king king Is it regular? I didn't know that Maybe there isn't I thought it was single I thought there was like a single which is before a twin

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Etitude sheets. They're soft as silk, breathable as linen, but at the price of cotton, and you're going to love them. That's Bamboo. Text it to 64,000. What's up, boys? So I got a girlfriend, no big deal. Valentine's Day is coming up, and usually I don't buy her expensive gifts. You know, I make good money, but I make financially sound decisions don't purchase anything that I deem as unnecessary

currently trying to save for a down payment on a house so but Valentine's Day I want to spend a little bit more money on it this year and I was on this site and they sell used handbags but they're in excellent condition little wear

knowing my girlfriend is fashion forward is this a good idea even though she knows and respects us you know type of financial decisions I usually make thanks I think this is okay I don't I think it depends on the quality like the condition if you're buying like a clearly used like shitty bag then no but if it's like a lightly used like no one's really gonna know but but here's what the and it's why i don't wear anything fake or anything like that like i don't get fake easies or whatever i don't think it's fake it's not fake right but it's it is i guess i guess it's slightly different but just

i feel like if you're good i i i like to brag about two things one how cheap something was or how expensive it was okay i don't but like it's got to be it's got to be like yeah this is a piece i probably short of walmart they're fucking dope like whatever i don't care right or like yes this is a very nice thing i splurged on yeah and i feel like if you go in the middle you're like cheating yeah and if you go in the middle it's like what if you're not bragging about any of this? What if you're just like, I got you a coach bag. Someone's going to notice.

Well, I mean, that I think is where you got to. And that's where it's just. Because you buy nice things for confidence. So if you're getting something fake or getting something used. You don't know that. I guess the used is different. But, I mean, if it comes. If I.

Okay, let me give you an example. You know what? No, because I think that ruins it for me. If I'm like I didn't like save money or this isn't a hit, so I don't have the confidence. I almost feel like I faked it. So I'll buy cheap shit. As like a gift giver or for yourself? For myself.

If I'm wearing – So I kind of agree with that. I definitely agree with like if you're wearing fake, like straight up fake off-brandbrand shit you're not going to walk around as if you're wearing like real easy whatever if i got if i bought a pair i bought used shoes before usually when it's like i'm trying to find a rare pair that's like they don't there don't exist dead stock anymore so the only way i can get it is like lightly used but that's more about like me finding like the one that i want so i'll just be happy to have that that's where I get the confidence from or whatever. Like I'm happy to have that pair.

It's not that it's like that I spent the money on it. But I feel like if you are giving it to someone else and it's just like, I mean, there are situations where people buy like, like I, I, like I think I talked last episode about the Louboutins. Like I bought those Louboutins.

They never were worn. They were completely fine, but they were, I had to sell them like on a secondhand website. So like, I think you can find secondhand shit that's either completely unworn or like, you know, it's just like you found yourself a good deal because they like wore it around the house one time and then it didn't fit or whatever it may be. Like, I think it depends on what we're talking about as secondhand. If it's just like straight up beat up used and someone like sewed it back together. No. But if this is like, I bought this for my girl.

We got divorced. We broke up. Like I have it sitting around. I had to sell it through this website. Like you're getting yourself a fucking perfectly good bag. Right. But it's just that I'm not buying. I mean I buy it because I like it.

But I buy it more because of how it makes me feel. It's the fake confidence I give myself. Okay. But again, if you're giving it to the girl. If she finds out. If she finds out... I think if someone finds... If I found out someone got me a used gift, I'd be

like, what the fuck? You could have just not got me anything. Why are you like... I don't know. I almost think that's... Unless you tell her it's used. If she finds out it's used, and you would say it's new? I think if you say to her, like, here's this brand new. If she finds out it's used. I think you should maybe be, like, up front. And you would say it's new? I think if you say to her, like, here's this brand new coach bag, and then it's, like, a fucking lie, then you're being an asshole.

If you're just like, here's the bag, and, you know, you keep it quiet, you know. What's funny is I feel like a lot of times if people get a deal where they find a good buy or whatever, they're prone to, up about it right and be like yeah no but like it didn't cost me a thousand dollars because like i know a guy that's that's what i am yeah you kind of cop to it you're telling yourself right away and then it's like now you can't get caught in like a lie where it's like oh i like getting old stuff but it's like it can't it's i'm such a weird shopper, but it's like it can't be. It can't be like new and beaten up. But if it's like I like like shopping at like vintage stores and something. I like something that's fucking old and ratty looking.

Isn't that secondhand? But yes, but it's like it's not supposed to look new. It's very clearly secondhand. Right. They're trying to pass it off as. This is a pair of pants. These are my grandfather's pants. That's fair. That makes sense.

These are from the 1970s. That makes sense. You know? Yeah. So I also think, though, this comes down to, this sounds like this guy is, I don't want to say cheap. He said financially responsible. It sounds like he has the money to probably afford a brand new bag, but doesn't want to

because he thinks bags are crazy expensive. And they are. They're stupidly priced. But if I couldn't afford it and I got my girl a coach bag and it was used. How much does a bag cost? I mean, they can go up to like five grand. What's a regular bag cost? A regular nice bag.

If you raise your girlfriend. Let's look up a Louis Vuitton bag. Okay. I feel like I see a lot of girls wearing it with the brown Louis Vuitton, right? Which I don't care for at all, by the way. I'll never buy a Louis Vuitton bag. I think it's very funny that that that that caught on as like such a a thing it's very gauche i don't even know what that word means

um all right let's see louis vuitton handbag collection because that you know if oh boy okay so i'm looking at all of the every bag here what appears to be like one of the regular ones with the brown ball on it 1650 ranging up to like 20 2700 4700 3650 1650 is not crazy not crazy for like you know if you're like a college kid or something like that so if you could find that 1650 bag and you're you're like a college kid or something like that, you can go fucking shot. So if you could find that $16.50 bag and you're like, you know, a college kid. Don't get me wrong. It seems to be a lot of money.

But I'm just thinking like if I get a $400 pair of shoes, I wear them twice a month. So if you're using that bag regularly, $16.50 is not crazy. But if you get that $16.50 for like half, if you get that for like $800, you know, again, it depends on probably your... I'm sure there are girls at a point in their life who are like, I don't care how you got this, I'm just poor myself and I'm so happy to have a Louis Vuitton

bag. So I guess it really depends on where you're at in life. But you wouldn't even fuck with it. I'm a college kid, I'm going to get you a college age gift. That's what I'd rather do. I'd rather just be kind of just like, why are you trying to put on airs for me? You know what I mean? If you have the money, get her the real one.

I also feel like that girl – Get her the real one. If you – if this girl is like kind of poor and everyone knows like her boyfriend is not making good money and she shows up with a Louis Vuitton bag or a Coach bag or a Prada bag, I feel like that makes people go like, is that fake? How did you afford that? And then you got to answer questions and then you put on the spot. So basically you probably should only have nice shit when you or your significant other can afford it. That's it.

That's a good rule of thumb. Next up. Hey KFC, Fights, Juba Reducer PZ. I got a question for you. So say for example you're out and you do something stupid Something stupid but harmless And you somehow end up with a two year prison sentence And you gotta Report to your local prison

The following Sunday What does your last weekend look like What are you doing that Friday that Saturday night To make it worthwhile What are you going to get in to make sure that You don't feel like you got gypped On your final weekend before reporting You ever seen 25 hours I was just going to get in to make sure that you don't feel like you got gypped on your final weekend before reporting to prison? You ever seen 22 Hours?

I was just going to say, probably what I would want to do. That movie fucks me up. Really? I think it's fine. You know my eternal fear of prison, though. I start to get anxiety thinking about, like, if I knew I was, like, dead man walking, having to go to prison. He said two years. I know, but I mean, like.

A lifetime would be one thing. If it was two years, I can't watch a movie. I know, but it's like, I mean, again, you know, Wallow and Gilly kind of gave me a little bit of confidence. But I feel like whether I have a two-year sentence or a 220-year sentence, the first thing I'm doing is I'm walking in, they're bashing my teeth out with a pipe so that I don't bite their dick when I blow them. I'm thinking straight 25th hour, so it doesn't matter. That's happening day one, whether the sentence is a million days or two days. Because day one, I'm getting mouth fucked. So to me, I would probably spend my last hours not sucking dick. Brushing my pearly white teeth.

Last time you're going to have them. I go eat corn on the cob and bite into apples and shit. I'd spend it getting my fucking teeth reinforced with titanium. Who wants it? Who wants it? Walk in there with Wolverine claws and shit. But this is much like, you know, what would you do if you won the lottery? It's like, I'd watch Netflix and sit on the couch. It's like, all right. I mean, what would you, like, would you live it up?

I would, no, I would live my exact weekend. Spend it with your loved ones? I would do exactly what I do. I don't think, two years isn't long. If I was going to prison for life, yeah, we're talking something different. What would you do? Actually, I don't know. No years isn't long. If I was going to prison for life, yeah, we're talking something different. What would you do? Actually, I don't know.

No, you wouldn't. No, you wouldn't. Maybe if it was life, you'd be like, all right, let me go to the strip club.

You would almost do things where it's like, I don't really want to be doing this, but I feel like I have to because I'm going to jail for life. I would probably just drink a nice glass of whiskey, watch a new movie.

I don't really think that's bad. I mean, that's pretty much what we want. By the way, while we're talking about this... I think we got Jojo Rabbit tonight, by the way. I haven't seen Jojo Rabbit. Yeah, I didn't even know about that one until the Oscars. I watched it. I knew about it. Is that like a funny movie about Hitler?

Yeah. I watched it on Reddit today. Bold. It's supposed to be really funny, too. It's Taiki... Whatever his name is. I forget. You know him. What is it? Teiko Waikihi. Te is. I forget. You know him.

What is it? Teika Waikiki. Teika Waikiki. Waikiki. Whatever it is. But it's like a two-minute scene of everyone coming into the house, and they're just all doing Hail Hitler because you have to say Hail Hitler to everybody. And Teika, what's his name?

Teika. Teika. everybody and take a tight what's his name take a take a is talking about he wanted that scene because he wanted it to be funny but he wanted to highlight the outrageous protocols and you know just the social social construct yeah of night of nazism so it's like and then someone else comes in the room it's like two and a half minutes of people just saying how to hit it to each other it's a bold fucking movie very funny like i feel like they like the too soon thing it was like all right it's been you know like what like 60 something years since okay we can do we can do like hitler jokes now like some fucking heavy

hitler fucking comedy is he's from new zealand so i'm not sure what his i mean he's a not dark guy but he's a darker i don't know tan guy from new zealand i don't know what what the race is exactly but he was i feel like he went in white face for the movie or at least he was i feel like he was lightened a little bit wow but he was he said he was nervous about the studio like, you can do the movie, but you have to play Hitler. And he wasn't sure if he wanted to do it. He didn't. I think it's different if you're doing some sort of satire or making fun of Hitler versus like if you're going to – there's that footage of Hitler that became a meme where he was like screaming.

Yeah, that's from Valkyrie, I think. Yeah, like that's no joke to play that joke. i don't know if i would say yes to that yeah you know you never see like uh brad pitt play him no he ain't doing that they call the bottom of the list like i don't want although who played hitler and schindler's list is hitler is hitler in schindler's list i haven't seen it since there's been a couple like there was like a hitler in indiana jones he like walks by and it's like a cameo. But even for that, because I think about nowadays, we did a lowering the bar the other day with Vibs,

and one of the things was putting a condom on a banana. And Casey was like, I don't want gifts of me with a condom. She's like, every fucking thing I ever do, people are just going to reply to me with a gift. You almost have to think of that now. She told me that after I jerked off a banana to get it hard before I put a condom on it. A little bit different.

I feel like for us. But yeah, but I, I wouldn't play Hitler. Cause I'd be like, there's just going to be gifts with me for the rest of my life going, man, I'm doing this on gold right now.

That's going to happen to me. It's like, you have to think in terms of the internet now and it ain't nice. Yeah. But also I feel like one part of our part of the world we live in, we just flood it with so much stuff. Yeah, that's true.

It's like, yeah, yeah. That's why it's so much stuff. Yeah, that's true. That's why it's like, alright, you see my dick like whatever. You've seen every fucking else. Alright, let's get into it with Benny Schwartz. Benjamin Schwartz is brought to you by fucking nothing. We're done for the ad, so let's roll right into it. Ben Schwartz, let's talk to him.

I have time, too. Is this live? Sorry. You can say whatever you want uh as long as you want this is the last one before i eat lunch okay so let's chop it up then you don't even need that you don't even need the headphones yeah unfortunately we had rob mcclainian yesterday and he had to go to a live he's the fucking bad he's a good dude he's like it was one of those things kevin's been explaining it where it's like nerve-wracking

to meet him so you hold him in such high regard. You're up there, by the way. No, you're very good. I'm not going to be Rob. Rob has been every weight. That is true. He's every man. He's done every weight. Literally, yeah. He's the actual every man. So Ben Schwartz is in studio.

Riverdale guy, huh? Triggerdale's in the building. Are you from Riverdale? No, I'm from an equally fake part of the Bronx. I'm from City Island. Yes, I know. My mom teaches there right now. Oh, yeah? Yeah, Bronx. I'm from City Island. Yes, I know. My mom teaches there right now. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, she teaches music over at City Island. What, PS175? Maybe. I think that's exactly what it is. I think so, yeah, maybe. She's been teaching for 50 years. This is why people come in the podcast. Talk about what their moms do, right?

My mom has been teaching for 50 years, and she taught in the Southern Bronx, then she moved over to PS24, and now she just went to City Island. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's like when people say you're from the Bronx, and then you hear Riverdale or City and now she just went to City Island. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's like, I mean, when people say you're from the Bronx and then you hear Riverdale or City Island. You have to ignore the Bronx. I just did Sway in the morning. And so they're like,

hey, Ben, we know you're from the Bronx, but not really. I go, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know. I had, one time I was hanging out. We used to go to Sirius to get guests and stuff like that. Sure. You used to poach guests from Sirius?

Well, we have a Sirius show, too. It was when there was a star who basically didn't want to come to our office. guests and stuff like that. Sure. And one time... Do you used to poach guests from Sirius? Well, we have a Sirius show, too. It was when there was, like, a star who, like, basically didn't want to come to our office. Yeah. He was like, all right, we'll go to you there. But one time I was hanging out in the lobby of Sirius in pants very similar to yours right now, and Sway came across the hallway, because he just figured I was someone. And he was just like, dude, what up? I was unbelievable.

And I just played it cool. I was like, what up, Sway? How you doing, baby? And he was like, man, good to see you. Good to see you. What the fuck is going on? You're the guy from Harry Potter? Who'd you pretend you were?

Redhead from Harry Potter or one of those things? Rupert Grint? Rupert? Come on, yeah? What else? No, what could you be? You could be a young Daniel Stern. I get everybody.

I have a face like really. It's an ugly one. I get doppelgangers all the time. The most accurate one ever was a German condom ad though. It was a German – German condom ad? It was a German condom ad. It looks just like –

Let me see if I can find it quick on Google because even just like knowing him now and just looking at his face, if you see this and I tell you – It's perfect. This is not him. It was absolutely like staggering. Do we have to talk about sports and entertainment? We don't have to talk about shit, man. We can talk about whatever you want. What the fuck do you have to talk about sports and entertainment? We don't have to talk about shit, man. We can talk about whatever you want. What the fuck do you want to talk about? This made me so happy

because I wear these exact Jordans, and we talk about how they're the most comfortable Jordans, but I wear them on stage a lot, and so we have this great artist called Dave Klock, and whenever he draws me, I was like, oh, can you draw me the threes? Greatest of all time? It's the best. They're so comfortable. That is not him.

Oh, that's amazing. He used to have hair like Walnut Cut. That guy feels so rich. And this is a Durex. This is a German condiment. German Durex. That's amazing. That's my big claim to fame.

I look like I fuck in Germany. Did you black out and go to Germany and film? This has to be you. You're so famous over there. I'm like Hasselhoff. Yeah, you're basically Hasselhoff. Can I say something? You're basically Hasselhoff. Can I say something? You're basically Hasselhoff. Do you know what I mean?

Baywatch, your German records are doing really well. There's nobody here, but you have, oh, there's two guests maybe. Yeah, sometimes you look at their public decision. Very rare. Very rare. We have that fourth chair set up. So we did, I did a, every March, when March Madness comes around,

I do like a tournament for entertainment instead of sports. Oh, that's great. I've seen this. Someone tag me in this stuff. Yeah, you were – this was a couple years ago. We did like the funniest characters of all time. Then we did like funniest secondary role type characters. Sure.

You were – you got – you made it to the Elite Eight. You made a deep run though. Who is I guess? Raffi from the league, which I mean I don't – Joe, is that Jason Madzoukas? Yes. Oh, he's a genius. He is funny, but if we're just talking characters.

And who took the cake? It was. Milhouse. No, I think it was Jackie Childs from, or maybe Creed from The Office. I think it was Creed. Oh, that makes sense. You're better than Raffy, though. Can you talk about that?

Oh, shit. You are. Come on, guys. Jason Madzoukas went to UCB, Upright Citizens Brigade in New York when I was there. So he was like, even before me, he was on a team called Mother. He was amazing. He's still amazing. He's amazing. We were just talking about UCB, Upright Citizens Brigade in New York when I was there. So he was like, even before me he was on a team called Mother. He was amazing. He's still amazing. He's amazing. We were just talking about UCB before you came in. I feel like that is almost

for modern day comics and actors of your guys, of your style, it's almost like what SNL kind of used to be. UCB? Yeah, it's like a rite of passage. I mean, everybody who comes through here who we know, love, and think is funny, we check, we do a little research they're all it's crazy it's almost like the comedy seller for stand-up right yeah yeah yeah where it's like you kind of and also back in the

day it was kind of it was known as the cbgbs of improv whatever it was like that heart it was like that punk rock type feel where you do shows that are crazy yeah people go out on stage and go on the sidewalk and do show like it's bananas very cool and um i don't know if it's as much that now but it was like the i mean when i was intern i was an intern there to get free classes and i was a bartender there and uh like alec baldwin would come in or then you know tina fey's in there and then like all the most cool people in the universe came to just do shows or hang out so it was bananas you were saying you're an intern you're bartender were you were you the guy outside Letterman, too?

Yeah, I was a page at Letterman. So you did everything. Holy shit, you Googled me? We were on Wikipedia, all right? It wasn't on the Wikipedia. That's bullshit. It wasn't on the Wikipedia. Here it goes.

Here it goes. I am afraid that when you start yelling, you're going to start yelling in German like your ads. It's very weird for a Jewish person. Don't start yelling in German. That won't go well. Please don't. It's basically weird. That will not. No't start yelling in German. That won't go well. Please don't. That will not.

No, I feel like, does everyone go through that? I feel like you've been, you've started at the bottom almost everywhere. Yes. And now you're at the complete bottom. I didn't know anybody in this business. And it was zero people. So the only way for me to get a job was to, I like the way I got the job at Letterman. I was a pageant at Letterman.

I was with my friend Nick Gibbons. And I was like, I just graduated college. And we were doing the first class at UCB. I was a pageant at Letterman. I was with my friend Nick Gibbons, and I was like, I just graduated college, and we were doing the first class at UCB. And this might be interesting, or is this going to be boring? Yeah, no, let it rip, man. Make a fart noise, I guess, if it's like boring. Really spice it up with like a fart noise, but change your fart noise. We'll drop

it in post. Yeah, oh my God. Do you do fart noises? Is that your thing? I mean, I can just try to fart right now. That helps. I mean, that works well. Throw one more mic. Maybe that's why you have the extra mic. So I was like, oh, I want just try to fart right now. That works well. Throw one more mic. Maybe that's why you have the extra mic. So I was like, oh, I want to get a job in entertainment. Who hires young people? I was like, MTV hires young people.

So this is going to be a long story. I already regret it. So I printed out. You can just pull the plug if you don't want to tell a story. No, it's a good story. And if people who want to be comedians, it's a pretty good one. Yeah, they'll appreciate this. But you know how my dad always had fancy resume paper? I don't know if that's a thing.

Like parchment. Literally, yeah. So we printed out 20 resumes of mine on there, which is basically like I worked at the Athlete's Foot, which is a sneaker store. I was a camp counselor and whatever.

I always thought that was the worst named place in the world. The Athlete's Foot to buy sneakers and socks? Makes no sense. Continue. It's insane. So I printed out 20 of my resumes. I put it in a backpack.

I went down to MTV, and I snuck in by saying, I go, oh, my goodness. I saw it was a Viacom thing. I go, I have an internship meeting for Viacom. I don't know where to go. And I was freaking out, and the guy, security guard, let me up. And then when I was up to the Viacom floor, I asked a janitor. I speak a little Spanish. In Spanish, I said, I'm on the wrong floor.

I'm supposed to be in MTV, but the elevator won't get me there. And he goes, I'll unlock the stairs. So he unlocked the stairs for me. I got to go to MTV, and he told me the floor. I get out, and I'm, like, beaming. I get out. I go to the desk, and there's, like, a big, like, dollar bill. Oh, it was George Washington.

I had his, like, tongue out. Like, it's the most MTV. And I was like, hey, I'm here to apply for an internship. And the woman's like, I don't think you're on the right floor. I go, this is MTV, right? And she goes, this is the president's office. And I go, well, surely he can get me a job. And she laughed.

She goes, okay, go to this floor, give me your resume, and this is my name and whatever. So I go down to the floor, and I have like 100% confidence now. I go down. I was like, because I had a name. I don't remember. But like Janine upstairs said name or whatever. So I go down to the floor and I have like 100% confidence now. I go down. I was like – because I had a name. I don't remember. But like Janine upstairs said that, whatever, and I'm here to apply for an internship. And the person says, okay. And they took my resume and I saw them open a file drawer that was just thousands of resumes.

Stuck it in. Popped it in and threw it out and left. Never heard from them. So I'm walking down in a shirt and a tie because I was trying to look fancy with my backpack of resumes. And people outside of Letterman were like, hey, does anybody want to come see a show? And after I worked there, you find out if you're dressed a little bit nicer at the end, you know, and they're trying to find people, they'll try to put you in the audience. So they grabbed me. Oh, profiling.

Yeah, it was crazy. Profiling. They're like, oh, do you want to see the show? I was like, I'm a huge Letterman fan. And I was like, of course. And so I was like, oh, I kind of want to do what you guys do. Like, you're just cheering up the crowd before they get in there they go yeah I go is there someone that can I could talk about about a job and they sent me to the manager and the guy comes up and he's

like yeah I wish I could help you out but you need a resume and so I take out all 20 and I go what and he laughs he's like all right come in for an interview and I interviewed and that's how I got the paid job no shit you did it like like the old, the boomer way, like go pound pavement. Yeah. Knock on the doors. Isn't that insane? That's some catch me if you can shit. It's crazy.

That's the first entertainment thing I ever had. And I was an intern at UCB at the time and so I was like, oh, I already can't do this for UCB. I can do it for here. And he hired me. And then I worked that into

freelancing jokes for Letterman's Monologue like a year after I was there and like knew people. I was like, can I start freelancing for the monologue? Yeah, it was crazy. I feel like most of the people don't start that low. No. You started at

the bottom. I didn't know anybody. People start at the bottom, they just don't make it to the top. Well, how did you guys start? This has become an enormous thing now. Barstool is enormous. We started here. We were always just here. As interns or you were just always talking? I was an intern. Kevin was just one of the first. Yeah, it started boston and our boss was like we're just looking to expand into new cities kind of have like a satellite system it's also just so because i don't know

if people get to see you're you have a huge space this thing has become no i know i know that and it started to work out of our own articles and stuff no yeah that's still largely what it is so nobody's watching this yeah. Funny articles and stupid podcasts. Right, right, right. Yeah, I mean, it was all written word, and then the podcast network became, you know, that was like a rocket ship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy.

It's crazy. But yeah, there was no, like, it wasn't like I started here and interned there and worked my way up to it. Most of the people here, I guess the next generation will get that, but most of the people here are like, we just started and kept going. Yeah. It feels like college humor in that, like like people started and then it keeps going and all that stuff yeah you were you were there you were funny or die i did i just did videos for

everybody i had no allegiance i did a lot of stuff for college humor and then i wrote a lot of my own stuff for funny or die and started directing my stuff for over there that's what it was like going through your wikipedia is you you just do everything what's the most obscure thing you learned most obscure thing you have? Most obscure thing I learned? Did he have a controversy? Oh, I know. It's my favorite thing I learned, too. That you fucking...

Let me know, because this is an audio. Nobody can see. You're hard. You're 100% hard right now. You are fully erect right now. Yeah, honestly. All the blood rushed to your penis. You wrote a number for fucking Hugh Jackman?

Oh, yeah. Dude. The Greatest Showman is our favorite movie. Is that true? I swear to God. It's the opening song to this show. This is the greatest show. That's so crazy.

I love musical Hugh Jackman. Oh, so we wrote for the Oscars, me, Dan Harmon, who created Community and created Rick and Morty, which Rick and Morty I think is one of the best shows of all time. And Rob Schraub was a genius. We wrote the musical number that he did for the Oscars. And then we won an Emmy because we wrote that for the Oscars, which I always thought was so crazy. And so when I was young, too young, I won an Emmy for doing this – one of my first writing jobs like that. So it was crazy.

But Dan Harmon then did Community and then he did Rick and Morty. And Rob Schraub was a genius and worked on Sarah Silverman and all that stuff. Did you get to work with Hugh? Yes. And this might be the form to say it. He's amazing. He's the nicest guy in the world. So that Christian Bale thing came out. Remember when Christian Bale was very upset at

Terminator? Amateur bullshit! You and I are done professionally! Was Terminator? No. Yeah, Terminator, definitely. Oh, okay. I forget what it was. And he yelled at the DP. So I started to make a name for myself by making these short films by myself that I write and whatever. So I went to Hugh. I was like, hey, a promotion for the Oscars. You know what we should do? We should have you do this Christian Bale

thing, but because you're the nicest guy in the world, just be so nice. So like, come in. He's like, who got me this coffee? This is the best coffee I've ever tasted in my life. Come here. I want to give you a hug, Ben. Come here. And so he goes, I'm down for whatever. So we recorded it. I still have it on my computer because it's 11 years ago or whatever. We recorded it. And also remember, this is before I had anything. I mean, I'm very little now, but I was nobody then. And recorded it, and I was going crazy because he also had his claws from – he brought his claws from Wolverine.

And he was also like, I'm fanning out like a crazy person. And so I had this thing. I'm like, oh, God, this is going to be huge. I was like, I think I made something that's going to be great. And everybody was psyched about it. And then he goes, you know what? Before you do that, I got to call Christian Bell to make sure it's okay. So fucking Wolverine goes to the next room to call Batman.

And me, Dan, and Rob are like, this is insanity. And he was the nicest guy. He's like, you know what? Because I'm sure Christian would have been fine with it. he was just the nicest guy in the world i was like yeah that's not worth it let's just in case you still you gotta put it out i wouldn't ever let's go viral right now man come on and that's your catchphrase your catchphrase is let's go viral right now um you've been saying that since day one but uh yeah so i had that on my computer but it was like and he's he was i can my computer. But it was like, and he was,

I can't say how talented he was, and nice and kind to everybody. Hugh Jackman was the ultimate, and at the beginning my courtesy... Is he a big guy? He's probably over 50, no? Yeah, he's gotta be up there. I mean, what's his birthday? What's his social security number?

He's Aussie. He's gotta have a weird number. You're just saying you're small now or you're still small you're the star fuck off what are you talking about enough with the self-deprecating bullshit

you have Brad Piers on and you're Sonic you're awesome you're on the press tour with Jim Carrey and James Martin you're A-list I got to meet Jim Carrey

which is bananas did you get to meet him during filming or was it no I was in a tiny booth by myself I wasn't on set, but I met him. I visited one day because I had the dots on my face,

and they put a camera so you could see my emotions when I do Sonic. And so I went, and we did a table read, and we recorded, and I met him, and I was very excited to meet him. And I said, hey, how are you? And he's so great. There's no phone in his hand. He connects with you, looks you in the eye, which doesn't really happen anymore with people,

and he sits down with you. And I was like, oh, so nice. And I'm like, what was it like making his venture? Like an idiot. And he answered my questions and was very kind. He was wonderful. Now that we're doing press together, I get to see him, and he's been so nice. I feel like, especially for a UCB guy, he is the ultimate with the nonverbal acting and the shit he does.

Did you guys see the movie or no? Yeah. Oh, great. He's like old, like those movies. He's like that. It was very, very much came through. It felt like a heart, like it touched me in my nostalgia heart for all those old things. I feel like with U2 on tour, now all I know about you is-

Are you talking about the band U2 on tour or me and Jim Carrey on tour? I'm talking about U2 on tour. Okay, right. What I know about U2 is your characters and I feel like that's a very loud, boisterous person. Is that the same way on tour? Like, are you guys out to dinner

and people are like, look, you guys gotta give us a break. I didn't get to eat dinner with Jim Carrey. In real life, I'm kind of, I don't really do much, I don't really go out

that much anymore. Look at me, this is it. This is like, I'm living my goddamn life right now. But he's lovely and kind but the second, you know, we're doing press or or whatever he can turn it on and sit with me it's just like a fun thing but with you guys i get to play and improvise and stuff like that you know what i mean there's different versions of press where you sit it's junket stuff where you sit in

a seat and you answer the same exact questions yeah but also because i've been an intern everywhere and a page everywhere i understand what it's like to sit in the other seat so i always try to like make everybody so happy and like give those four minutes what they I understand what it's like to sit in the other seat. So I always try to make everybody so happy and give those four minutes. Give them what they need. Yeah, well, that's good of you because there's some people who don't, and it's tough, you know what I mean? I'm sure, maybe.

Who knows? Did you all play in Sonic? Yeah. You guys, did you play video games at all or no? Yeah. Well, that's what I used to play. How old are you? Are you allowed to talk about it?

You're 35. How old are you? You're 31. You're 31. I do look like a fat baby. It doesn't make any sense. I'm very good at guessing birthdays. I don't know your birthdays. I'm telling you, I have not looked this up beforehand. I do look like a fat baby. It doesn't make any sense. I'm very good at guessing birthdays. I don't know your birthdays.

I'm telling you, I have not looked this up beforehand. I don't think you'd find it if you did. Yeah. I think that your birthday is in August or April. Nope. Watch this, October 3rd. No. Okay, here you go.

Ready? Because none of those months made you even move, so I know it's not any of those. Oh, it is? His birthday is in there? Okay, hold up. Oh, you're September 3rd? No, I got this. Hold up.

I'm great at this. I'm fucking, I've never been wrong. All right, ready? March, May 3rd, May 4th. Okay, you're March 17th. I know that. Close? March 21st.

No. March 5th. That's it? No, March 6th. March 6th, it's so close. Give me two shots. Just say later in the year or earlier in the year. That's it? No, March 6th. Very close. March 6th. It's so close. Give me two shots. Just say later in the year or earlier in the year. That's all I need.

Okay. Okay? I'm going to start with your actual birth date. How about a season? I don't understand seasons. I don't get them. I don't know what the fuck they're about. Someone says, I'll see you in the fall.

I have no idea when that is. December 3rd? Earlier. Well, no. That's a bad guess, I screwed myself over. That's a bad guess. I screwed myself over. Wait, let's start from the beginning.

June, June 6th. Later. Later. Okay, watch this. Oh, shit. This is the one. This is the one. I can feel it.

Okay, and this has been said. If I get this exactly correct, you guys are going to donate $10,000 to any charity I want. Yeah, we took on for the show. Okay, ready? We talked about this. Holy shit, I'm feeling it. Holy shit, I'm fucking feeling it.

I'm fucking feeling it. October 16th. No, I was honestly, I thought you were going to hit it. I was rooting for you. What was it? I was like, he's going to get it. What is it?

August 14th. What a terrible birthday. What are you talking about? August is a shitty month. What a terrible month for birthdays. What a terrible month for birthdays. What a terrible month for birthdays. It's hot. That's the fall, right?

Isn't it? It's close. August is the fucking... I honestly don't know. That guy was upset. We were talking about seasons and he left. I don't think he's very affected. He's a big fan of the fall.

No, but yeah. You definitely wrote a birthday blog. I wrote a birthday blog? You could have. I wrote a blog for my birthday? Oh, that's cute. What a pussy. What does that mean?

What an asshole. Just like, happy birthday to me? You were 26 yesterday. Oh my God. Oh, was that maybe like your meltdown blog? Your funeral?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. College is a four year. 26, I had like a big quarter life crisis. You ever have one of those? No, the had like a big, like, you know, like, quarter-life crisis. You ever have one of those? No, the 26? Yeah. No, when I turned 30,

I remember I cried the day before I turned 30. I had it at 27. And I had no idea. Did you? Yeah, which is like, that's when everybody, a lot of people killed themselves.

Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, 27 Club. A lot of like the famous, tragic, you know, suicides are all when people were 27.

Wow. What a way to bring it down. What a terrible thing. It was funny though because I don't know. I had that feeling where it was like, all right,

there is no graduation. There is no next step. This is just life now. Go figure it out. That was your feeling? So the thing that started that whole thing was that you're like,

now it's this forever. We were just talking about this last episode. It's just this forever. It's life now. Yeah, there's no- I wrote a book about what happens when you-

I wrote a book. I wrote a movie about what happens when you die because I love the idea that nobody could tell you what really happens. And I was like, oh, I can't. What do you think happens? Well, in the movie, it takes – what I really think what happens – Yeah, what do you think happens when you die? I'm very scared to death. I'm truly – I can't believe we're really going to talk about real shit.

Yeah, let's go. It's like I'm really scared to death because I don't know and I'm afraid that nothing might happen. I think it's nothing. And it scares the shit out of me are you guys religious at all or no? raised both of you guys are Jewish? Catholic Feidelberg I thought

that sounds like a cartoon character that's why when he applied I was like you can have the job but you have to use your real ass name because like feidelberg is just ridiculous great name so memorable it sounds like a musical instrument doesn't it i play the feidelberg yeah yeah pretty good at it too yeah kevin literally does play the feidelberg that's that's what your job is your job is you are an instrument you make him make noises yeah uh so is everybody here starts as a writer kind

of so everybody has a writing background? Well, that's what we would like. We were actually just talking about it recently that so many people come in now and like kind of get handed a podcast or get put on like a video series right away. And it kind of shows because we all blogged all day every day, like every 30 minutes posting something. I wrote so much before I did anything. Yeah. And I feel like that you can really tell the difference. And so I wish people all wrote first,

but I think it's the best way to like figure out your persona and your character and your jokes and your style. Yeah. You find your voice, right? Yeah. Basically the same way getting up on stage, just failing,

failing, failing until you learn, learn, learn. Do you, do you do like standup or like improv? I do improv. Yeah.

So it's not like, so I do it with me and a guy named Thomas Middleditch. We do a two person tour, Middleditch and Schwartz i like to call him a guy named thomas middle oh yeah i'm sorry thomas from silicon valley yeah and we just did three specials for netflix it'll be first ever long form improv they've been taped maybe tj and dave these guys from chicago who were fantastic have a documentary and then ass cat did one and then i did one for showtime but it was i had to use the cast of House of Lies and they were amazing

but they're not improvised forever so Thomas and I filmed four and we're going to air three out of the four and whatever happens happens

so there's we can have bad shows great shows crazy ones whatever it is we put on the screen dude that's awesome

congratulations I'm so excited you have not filmed them yet we filmed them all in NYU and we're airing them in the next couple months. Get that Netflix money, baby. Let's go.

Oh, there's so little money for us. Because everybody passed. Nobody wanted to make the specials, because they're like, well, what's going to happen? We're like, oh, we don't know. Yeah, but what's the show about? That's a tough pitch. We literally have no idea. Right.

And so Netflix was like, all right, we're going to give you a shot. If you nail it, that really opens the door for a long-form improv. If you screw it up, we're never going to do one of these again. I was like, oh. No pressure. Just the fate of the entire craft on your shoulders. I'm so excited. But the idea that they even let us do it, and also I wanted it to be Netflix, because

Netflix goes everywhere. So people in England and people in different countries will see long-form improv who've never seen it before. I've never seen it. Are you serious? I've never seen long-form improv. I think we'll play in New York again. I'll tell you the venue, because we haven't announced it yet. We're going to play it probably later this year. We'll get you guys to see it. I've never seen it. Are you serious? I've never seen long form hip hop. I think we'll play in New York again. I'll tell you the venue because we haven't

announced it yet. We're going to play it probably later this year. We'll get you guys to see it. We did Carnegie Hall last time we were here. Holy shit. Yeah, we did like, we're doing big fatty venues right now. Maybe you'll get up on stage with them and do it. You want to do everything. You want to do an improv? Oh, absolutely not. No, I would be awful. I'd cry. It would also, I'm

interested to see, neither one of you guys have ever been to an improv show? No. I wonder if you watch the specials first, that would be amazing if you've never seen them before because the people who- A blank slate kind of what the reaction would be.

So few people have seen our specials because it's just like three people in a production office but it would be great to see if you've never seen them for what you think it is, if it's interesting

and I feel like you guys would give me normal, I would love to ask you after you see them. I would gladly be your- So maybe don't see a show until you see those and then I'll take you to a show afterwards. That sounds amazing.

It's a date, brother. Great. Amazing. So you're getting Netflix money. You're getting Marvel money. Although Space Force, me, John Malkovich, Steve Carell are doing a show. You're in Space Force? I'm in Space Force.

I play a character named F. Tony Scarpaducci. I'm the media manager for the Space Force and it's written by Greg Daniels. So it's Greg and Steve coming together again since The American Office. That's going to come out on Netflix. I don't know when. Greg Daniels is one of those. He's almost like forgetting the name so he kind of loses it.

Who's the... Dick Wolf. I've seen Greg Daniels so many times. It's like Dick Wolf. He's a legend. He's SNL. He's the Simpsons. Greg Daniels is many times It's like a Dick Wolf He's a legend He's SNL He's the Simpsons Greg Daniels is a genius Beyond all geniuses I feel like you are too

When you start talking about resumes Your resume now Has got to be pretty fucking stacked It's very It's all over the place I kind of like doing A little bit of everything Yeah

So it's like That thing And then like I publish a couple books And then the special And I write movies for places That never get made So it's been very

What do you prefer the most i love acting and improv is something i've been doing since i would uh would you consider john ralphio like your your favorite that's what broke me that's like the thing that like uh i did some roles before and then all of a sudden i did that and then people like coming up in bars being yelling and singing in my yeah so that was the one that's got to be awesome it was everywhere It was great. Everywhere I go, people just scream, the worst! Literally, all the time. At the beginning, it was very cool.

Then after that, I was just excited that people like it, but some people, when they get drunk, will be like, it's so crazy. But that one,

I only did like 20 episodes. Was that a lot of improv? Really? The writers are amazing. That writing staff will go down in history. When you're singing songs and rhymes and stuff,

that's all written. Yeah, so they'll write sing-songy and then a line and then I'll just make up a way to do it. And then it caught on so much that then I did it more than when we got Jenny Slate to play my sister.

We're like, wait, she's got to sing like me, right? So they did that and so it was great. But yeah, we did something called a fun run.

So you do the script and if they have it, it's like, all right, do whatever you want. Okay. And those are when I go like – there was a scene where Roy Hibbert and Detlef Schrempf were there and two NBA legends. Schrempf.

Wow. He's the best. NBA Jam. That's unbelievable choice, NBA Jam. Absolutely. Sean Kemp throwing it down. It's insane. Detlef reigning the threes.

You're crazy? What's your team in Jam? I mean I like – Tournament edition regular. It doesn't matter right now. I like the Hornets because – Oh, you're a cheater. But I really liked, oddly enough, the Warriors. The Golden State Warriors with the run TMC. Chris Mullen was just fucking –

Was it Tim Hardaway? It was Mullen, Hardaway, and it was like maybe Chris Weber was one of the alternates. But, I mean, Chris Mullen just didn't miss. He's incredible. There were a couple of those guys. There was like Tecmo Bowl. There was like a couple of players that you could just always win with. Yeah, it was Bo Jackson, right?

Yeah, anything. You just go backwards forward. It's just cheating. It's backwards forward. Yeah, it's not even fair. I don't even remember what I was talking about because I love video games. The Detlef Schrempf. Oh, so there's a scene where literally in the script it's like, all right, so we're at Entertainment 720, which is this crazy thing that we have in the show.

And I'm supposed to – they go, yeah, Ben shoots a shot and he misses. And so we did it and I go oh can I try something and then I go hey is there any way to Detlef I go is there any way you can pick me up

and you make me dunk send me and he goes I'm too old you gotta ask Roy and I go Roy and I go could you throw it to me

could you alley-oop it to me and Detlef's like yeah of course I'm an NBA all-star I can throw a little Jewish kid an alley-oop I was like great and so I go

Roy what'd you do and he's like of course he was was like, great. And so I go, Roy, what did you do? And he's like, of course. Both of them were so cool. I have it in my phone the first time we tried before, because I didn't tell the crew I was going to do it. And then you have never seen a happier person in your life. And this is when Roy was in the all-star game, too. So it was like

two all-stars. So Detlef throws it, and Roy picks me up like a kid. And I think Detlef literally said when I was you know what you do if you're like for little kids and I go I'm listening if you jump we can take the momentum of you and keep making you go up so it's like not hard on us if you ask Roy to do that so I said that's exactly what has to happen so there's a scene where Detlef throws it and I say like take me there I just improvised something crazy and I dunk it and you can see in the take that went it was the first like take me there I just improvised something crazy and I dunk it and you can see

in the take that went it was the first take we did but I did a rehearsal before I am so happy because it's like a dream I'm a huge NBA person and in the 90s NBA is like

what my NBA was so Detlef doing that was like it was crazy that's awesome but that was improvised that scene is like that's a pretty iconic scene

that has become whatever that one line is send me there take me there whatever it was it's so good take one line is, send me there, take me there, whatever it was, it sold. Take me there. Oh, listen to me. It's take me there. It's take me there.

Yeah, and then you go over and you give Ben his new nickname. That was, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He looked like a fish was improvised. There's a bunch of lines that just worked. It was great. Parks has a famous, I know of all the shows I've seen, I think that has the most YouTube clips of people breaking after an improv. Oh, really? Like with Chris Pratt with the Kim Kardashian comeback.

That's an incredible one. Yeah. I love the way he delivered it too because he says Kim Kardashian and everyone kind of is like, what? Come on her back. He is so funny in that show. There was a scene once where – they never made the show. They had those town halls? So like someone would go to the podium and say something in front of the whole group?

Yeah. And so John Ralphio was in there. I have no idea why. And there was just there. And I saw that in the back of the whole thing, Chris was sitting and two other people were sitting. So I said something crazy. And the cameras followed me. And instead of going out the exit of the door, I go, excuse me?

And I go through that whole back thing just to get in front of Chris and then be like, oh, man. And I can't get around him. And I just did it to try to make him laugh and to get him to laugh on camera. And it was like my – I love – anytime you made Nick laugh, you'd like laugh like a little baby. And his mustache is like a cartoon. It would go up and down. It was – it's a dream. That show is – that show was so good.

Was that the show that we talked about the group chat yeah yeah yeah what's that the uh we had um we had a couple people from the show in yeah we had don on everybody's those i was on it for a little bit and then i'm a i'm a recurring i don't know yeah yeah they didn't put i'm not good enough to be on that every now and then i'll get like a picture like amy will be kind and like include me or Rashida will be really nice but that's incredible that from bomb squad cast

that cast is like all superstars it's amazing I feel like in this day and age if you can the greatest compliment you can give a show is like

it's my bedtime show and that's a great call it's in the like it's in that circle like sometimes I'll do The Office sometimes I'll do Sonny sometimes I'll do Parks and Rec

I throw New Girl in there now I fucking love New Girl oh yeah Simpsons was for me I used to watch DVDs of Simpsons because I knew all the episodes so well that I didn't have to concentrate on the words

I could just fall asleep you close your eyes and you know exactly what the scene is you close your eyes it's like someone's telling you a bedtime story you turn over close your eyes

and it's like I can see exactly what's happening yeah for me when I write everybody's like oh I write to music and I was like I can't

because if they're words I'm listening to it so I listen to like jazz sometimes and I write just because there's no words. What an asshole. I've got to go home and write and listen to jazz. I have a top hat and I have a monocle. And I'm like kind of – Smoking up pipers and shit.

And it's insane because my monocle keeps dropping on the keys. But that's how I won my first Pulitzer. My monocle typed the most amazing book I've ever seen in my goddamn life. I got an idea for you that – Oh, good. I love when people pitch me ideas. Yeah. This is the one though. I don't know if I'm pitching this to Ben Schwartz or if I'm pitching this to John Is it good I love when people pitch me ideas yeah this is the one though

I don't know if I'm pitching this to Ben Schwartz or if I'm pitching this to John Ralphio do you know what this is it's okay so it's you're hard again

this is insane this is when you get hard okay yeah it's quick turnaround time yeah I can't believe it but you never come you just get hard

but you never come yeah come in no just edging he just edges himself all day you come to leave your DNA all over the place

your tantric masturbation. Yeah. Yeah, okay. But you're talking about how you can't have words. And I'm that way when I'm reading. I need something happening, but I can't have words because then I can't read. I agree. Soundtracks for books, right?

So I'm reading the tattoo. This feels like an Entertainment 720 thing. Yeah, that's what it's like. I'm not sure who I'm pitching it to. But I'm reading the tattoo of Sebauschwitz right now and there's there's some parts take it down enough right he keeps dropping it's like enough dude it's a really it's a really beautiful talk on the shelf but the boys at auschwitz remembrance day hey this audience even though we're joking remember that man please we're in everybody's mean right now Please, alright, yes It is the, and it's just like

So you do, it stops at every chapter Is the new song, so you can't ever fall that far behind Can you do, can you hum a song Or can you tell me what the song would sound like in your head Well it depends, you know If you're in a romantic part of the book It's some like flowery music It's a suspenseful part

What about using the soundtrack from movies that already exist Like You Got Mail's soundtrack? Oh, someone said they do that with Lord of the Rings. They do actually do that when reading Lord of the Rings. Oh, really? But they play the soundtrack to You Got Mail? It's got to be. Very cool.

Makes perfect sense. It actually lines up. It's one of those things. It's crazy. Like Dark Side of the Moon? Yes. It's unbelievable. Way backwards.

Yeah, it's all perfect. Incredible. But yeah, so you mentioned you love playing video games. So were you a Sonic? I feel like there's a clear line in the world. Are you a Sega person or a Nintendo person? I had Nintendo and Super Nintendo growing up, but David Fernandez had Genesis. So I would go to David's house and play Genesis.

We have our Altered Beasts. We have our Sonic, Sonic 2s. We had Quackshot. That's a deep cut. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. And then we come to my place and we had nintendo and super nintendo it was great so i had to do both so if you were because you

were you had to be a millionaire to have both i don't know and nobody had both i was always a nintendo guy oh i mean nintendo's the best to me it was like the og but sonic was like the you know the one thing that it's like mar Mario. And also Genesis was so fun. The way – like when Sonic came out, the side scroller going that fast, it was amazing. So like I loved both. It was kind of amazing. But the ones that I own were Nintendo and Super Nintendo. So when you get the call to be – and Sonic has like such an interesting story with basically listening to the public feedback and redoing it.

It was kind of crazy. One of the cooler things that a movie company has ever done where they were just like, all right, we hear you. We're going to fucking do it again. When that first trailer came out, the movie had been shot and now I'm doing the voiceover for it and they're editing it and they're doing the CG. They're not done with the process of the CG, but they're figuring it out. We had no idea if anybody was going to care about

the movie because we cared about it so much. We're like, we'll see if anybody cares, if people are passionate or fans care. It turned out fans care a lot like the video game uh like fan base caring shocking it was but it was like huge for us because we had no idea if anybody would care about the movie and then it's like oh people care and they have points of view and they really want people to hear them so it's huge for us to learn that okay there's still no audience for this people really like it people are excited for this let's see if we can get this you know right and all that did you take a personal insult?

Because you're like, well, that's my face. Yeah, that's my exact face. It was just my face. Those are my emotions. Don't like me. I was like, what's going on? I will say, the way that it turned out, you guys saw the movie. The way that it turned out now, I think, is exactly in my head how I thought it would look.

Now it's perfect. I think so, yeah. But I also think when Mandalorian came out, you were like, son of a bitch, Favreau? For what? I feel like Baby Yoda. I feel like if this Sonic came before Baby Yoda, and we had our genre, we didn't know about Mandalorian. Right, right. No, no, no, yeah.

I know that, but it's just like first to market kind of deal. We would have been the baby. Baby Sonic is, you know, that's a million dollar toy or merch or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember thinking that. That was actually, I was taking notes at the movie. So you had your phone on during the movie? There was no one.

It was like a screen. We saw the last screener, yeah. Oh, nice. But my very first note is, Sonic is ducking adorable. I didn't fix the fucking. My second one is, pick up milk. My third one, you just start doing your grocery list on there. Yeah, I want there to be like a baby universe, like Muppet Babies, but Avengers, like Sonic, one is pick up milk my third one you just start doing your grocery list on there uh yeah the i

want there to be like a baby universe like muppet babies but avengers like sonic baby yoda baby groot get him in there yeah yeah yeah we have fun yeah um that's an idea one of the things that stuck out in the movie is well not stuck out but it's like writing for adults like there there's a yeah we did a bunch of jokes that work for adults. Like when Robotnik first lets his drones out. Yeah. He goes, look what came out of my egg sack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a morcombe.

You need that too. Like when you got – if you're a parent and you bring a kid and there's actually something you can relate to and enjoy, it's very close. I agree. I think – and also they let me improvise so much. Jeff Fowler directed it that we were able to put in all these weird, fun little – just the idea of the improv feel and things that are loose and make crazy jokes. So it works that the whole idea was like, oh, if we can make people laugh the whole way through, adults and kids, we would kind of get it. So we're hoping that it works. Mission accomplished, man.

So Sonic is out now. Yeah, we got to wrap it up. I mean, we can keep going. We're being told. We're getting to wrap it up. If you would like to. Do you want to plug Harry Potter? You want to plug your new movie?

Your new movie, Harry Potter. And Derek's condoms. Go buy those. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Please you would like to Do you want to plug Harry Potter? You want to plug your new movie? Your new movie, Harry Potter. And Derek's condoms, go buy those. Oh yeah, please, you got to. Be safe. Your tagline is

be safe or get kids. Yeah, catch those out of your egg sack. If we see fucking soundtrack for books I love that idea. Why don't you try? If we see that,

it's going to be problems. Why don't I try? I'm an idea guy. This is what I want you to do. Before we go, this is how I want to go out. I'm going to give you the title of a book and I want you to sing me the soundtrack of what you assume in your head

this would sound like okay yeah but or you could send me that video of hugh jackman and i'll come up with the soundtrack for that okay yeah viral we're all talking about viral videos go viral right now okay so i am reading um this is what i'm reading i'm reading i'm trying to think of a popular enough book um what if I'm just reading a romance novel because you talked about it what if I'm reading like an old school romance novel right and I'm going to tell you what happens in this okay

it's about a guy who works at a podcast company right who farts all day and gets hard while he does podcasts right and then after that he goes off and he's like you know what I want to be single my whole life here I am I'm being a podcast but then he falls for this woman who has uh a female podcast it's an all-female podcast company that hates people that like you guys and it's like you know what i feel like this podcast company isn't being right to gender specifics and stuff like that

and this woman is going to make you grow and make you be a better person but she hates you at the beginning and throughout the course of the film you guys fall in love and essentially what you do Stuff like that. And this woman is going to make you grow and make you be a better person, but she hates you at the beginning. And throughout the course of the film, you guys fall in love. And essentially what you do is you combine podcasts to make a beautiful, all-gender, all-everything podcast company. That's what it is. I'm going to tell you what the title of the chapter is, and you're going to sing a song for me. Okay?

Oh, boy. You ready? Yeah. Are you nervous? It looks like you're a little nervous. Super nervous. Yeah, I can tell. I would not be good at UCV.

You're bleeding out of your nose. There's no words, I don't think. It's going to pass out. And also, together makes it even harder. So you guys have to do the same thing. This will be embarrassing for you guys. No doubt. Okay.

All right. So the chapter is called, this is, we're like near the end of this movie, right? He's about to ask her. He's about to ask her if they want to join companies because he loves her so much. The title is called, Is This Thing On? Okay, the first sentence. I'm going to start reading the book and you guys play it. Holy shit.

Tell me when you're ready. Okay, so this is Is This Thing On? We're late in the book. Okay, I'll wait for the music and I'll start reading. Take it away. No, no, no, no, no, no. Both of you guys. It has to be both of you guys.

Whenever you're ready. This is how we'll go out. So remember, this is how you want these segments to end well, right? Yeah, for sure. Oh, my Twitter and my Instagram is Rejected Jokes because I'm afraid that nobody's going to watch this. Sonic the Hedgehog's February 14th. Standing Up, Falling Down with Billy Crystal right after it.

Okay, ready? Yeah. Okay, whenever you're ready, I'll start. There I was, sitting at the deli. And I was looking at her. I was like, you know, this could be it. This could be the person that I love. Okay, so you guys are barely going to try?

All right, great. All right, great. That's fine. I don't think we need to do that. Okay. Sonic, February 14th. It wasn't as bad as I thought. Thank you for having me.

Look at what you see In her face. The mirror of your dreams. Make believe I'm everywhere. Give it in the light. Written on the pages is the answer to a never-ending story. I reach the stars, lie a fantasy. Dream a dream, and what you see will be Climbing in their sacred sphere

A boat behind the clouds And there upon a rainbow is The answer to a never-ending story Story Storytime Storytime