KFC Radio - Call Her Daddy Grabs Spotify by the Bag, Drains It for $60 Million ft Pete Lee

Episode Date: June 17, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a review! -Putin has a great quote that we really identify with -Feits argues that North Korea is the happiest country in the world -The American Reporter who needs to put money in the jar -Alex Cooper got that bag with the Spotify deal and we’re not even mad about it -But also KFC and Feits might become lovers in order to get that Alex Cooper money -Brian Harkins is the Walter White of sticky stuff -Am I The Asshole -Voicemails -Pete Lee Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @FeitsBarstool @PeteLeeTweets @nickhammy5 @Jnics415 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIOYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Ladies and gentlemen, I now introduce to you the greatest show of all time. Spotify! We did it. Two gay guys running around the world saving the assholes of Reddit. Yes! We'll call it all right let's go.

It's another edition of KC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's Clancy and Feidelberg. Jackie wants everyone to know that she didn't just hurt. She didn't make a big deal about her hurting her nail. Congratulations. So we got that. Yeah. You got that going for us.

Who's on the show today? Do we have an interviewer now? Yeah, we got Pete Lee. Pete Lee's on the show. show very funny comedian who's been around the game for a long time uh so we got him on the back end some fucking awesome stories yeah like a lot of names and a lot of like cool shit uh comics have just been through it all it's sick yeah he has a great fucking mitch headberg story uh comedians just like, you know, it's, it's such a funny lifestyle.

The comics one, cause it's like horrible. It's objectively like horrible, but you like meet so many people and live through so much shit that it's, you know, you glamorize it once you, once you're, once you've made it, you know?

Oh, and I went to see him on, I went to see him. He came in on Thursday, maybe. And I went to see him, – he came in on Thursday maybe, and I went to see him at his show on Saturday. He's very funny. So he's promoting stand-up, and I think he did some of that at Caroline's.

And he's very funny. It comes out July 9th, so watch that. As we mentioned last episode, it was our nine-year anniversary, and the ninth year is clay. So we've got some clay here And we're gonna It's pottery We just don't have a kiln Right

It's gonna be clay Right not clay Pottery is the gift you're supposed to give We got all these tools and shit here This is gonna be a fucking mess Oh yeah totally That is satisfying as fuck though This is right up my alley

You know I like like popping pimples And all that kind of shit. This is my jam right here. So we'll be playing with some clay here while we do it. If you're watching on YouTube, subscribe on the KFC Radio YouTube channel. Go check out improv.com to get tickets to our

live show. Our live show is on July 15th at Levity Comedy Club in Rockland County in Nyack. So go to improv.com and you in Rockland County in Nyack. So go to improv.com and you can check it out at Nyack. The club is called Levity. So buy tickets to that. We're going to start pushing that on social media.

So you'll see the link on our Twitter and Instagram and whatnot. And, of course, I'm on the asshole later. First, I want to start off with Putin. You want to go Putin? Vladimir Putin. I just got to give a shout out to Putin. Putin is obviously, objectively, a horrendous human. But at the same time, I don't want to get murdered by him. So I'm going to say, I kind of identify with the old dog.

And he had a quote today that is so right up KFC radio's alley. It's not even fucking funny. And he said, there is no happiness in life. There's only a mirage on the horizon. So cherish that. Whoa. When I heard this, I was like fucking Rocky in, I forget which Rocky. One of the Rockies. When he's like, you and me, we're not so different after all. Oh, yeah, Rocky IV. If I can change, you can change, everybody can change. Is that what he says?

Yeah. He doesn't say we're not so different after all? No, he might. I mean, I don't even know if I've ever seen the movie. You've seen Rocky IV. I'm sure. I'm sure I've seen it at points and things like that. Maybe we're not talking about different things.

But I sent that gift to Dave the other day. I can't tell... Dave quote tweeted the nine-year anniversary tweet about KC Radio. Uh-huh. And I can't tell if he was acknowledging that he was wrong or if he was cracking a joke. Because in my tweet, I said, thanks to everybody who listened and called in you contributed to making this the dumbest show ever meaning like the stupid hypotheticals and dave quote tweeted and said i did say that it was stupid it was a stupid idea he said podcasts were stupid right so in that i think

he was copying i think you were right saying yeah i think he was giving a little credit because when i saw that i was like is he is he clever enough to be making a pun about stupid and dumb? You know what I mean? Like, you're right. I did call this stupid. Like, it was a dumb show. But, yeah, I think that. No, I think you're a little too in your own head on that one.

That is the most, like, credit you will ever get from Dave Borden. Yeah. I mean, that was probably the nicest thing. That's like when your dad says, like, I don't know, like, you know, all you'll ever want is, like, your dad to say, like, I love you. And all you get out of him is, like, you didn't suck out there today, kid. Like, thanks, dad. Thanks, man. Finally get that little bit of approval.

That's all you're looking for, man. But, yeah, Putin out here just dropping some, like, dark, what's the, demotivational quotes. Well, let's be fair. This isn't even close to the darkest thing Putin's ever done or said. Most of them is like, you die. You die. That is far darker than anything Putin's ever...

But it's funny to think, how is Putin not happy with this world? He does literally whatever he wants. He's Russian. Russian people just aren't happy? Russian people have never been happy. Come on, Kevin, you ever read some Russian literature? Oh, buddy. Dark stuff.

Dark stuff. Yeah. Makes the French look like the fucking, I don't know, happy people. Are the French depressed people? French? Oh, life is shit, Kevin. Yeah? Yeah.

I thought the French were out here fucking. Oh, they fuck because they fuck. It's just too past the time until death comes. Well, that's what we're all doing. We're all fucking to pass the time. But they say it out loud. I thought the French were romantic. We see they are fucking romantic.

Les French eat baguettes and they fuck. They smoke cigarettes. They smoke cigarettes to welcome death, to come faster. I wanted cancer. It's the only country. I don't know. They're turning into Russians. I don't know what accent I'm speaking.

It definitely Russian now. It went from like French to like Igor all the time. Wow. The, uh, you're bad at

accents. I know the, the French fucking just like, like, I mean, the French invented like guillotines and fucking shit. They, they welcome

the idea of this French. They're pussy. They're romantic pussies. You call the French invented like guillotines and fucking shit they they welcome the idea of this oh but french are they're pussies they're romantic pussies you call in the french like some badass murder everyone who suicides a pussy and they're all suicidal everyone who suicides a pussy yeah kind of true i know no but at the end of the day if you kill yourself that's pretty ballsy like i'm just saying like you gotta be

a fucking like like the day that like somebody you kills themselves I'm gonna be like

god damn holy shit he did it yeah he fucking did it motherfuckers got a set of stones on him yeah like it's kinda crazy to like

actually jump actually pull a trigger or something that's wild man yeah but the French do I bet the French have the highest suicide rate in the world. Don't look it up. We are just making so many things up.

I said don't look it up. That means I made it up. No one look it up. Yeah, I think that the Russians and the French are definitely the two most depressed people. What about, like, the Bosnians? Oh, they love life. No. Yeah.

It's like fucking. Bro, have you ever seen Google videos of a Bosnian party? It's fucking nuts. North Koreans? North Koreans have to be miserable. North Koreans are happy as a clam. They live in fear. They live in constant fear.

No, you couldn't be more wrong about the North Koreans. The North Koreans are the happiest people in the world because they don't know what reality is. That's true. They live in a fake world. But their actual reality sucks. Nah, it's fun. It's like, okay, yeah, we win gold medals every year, but we also live in internment camps. Bro, if you thought our president was God, you'd be like, this is kind of sick.

If you thought our president rode unicorns in his spare time and fucking shot 20s on 18 holes of golf, you'd be like motherfucking gangsters. This is a country. This is North Korea. We run shit. I don't know how you say North Korea like America but like North Korea. I cannot believe how much you just All right, let's just go. Fine. Can we get a map of the world?

Let's find the happiest countries. I bet it's all of the shit ones. I would be willing to bet that France. It's all of the ones that like americans we have this idea of like what a perfect world could be and all this shit because people make movies that we get to see right and that's all we ever know about anything like like that reality looks amazing and we call it a reality even though it's fucking not but north koreans don't get to see that shit they just get to see propaganda and they're like all right this world's pretty fucking dope, I guess. It's like they're just living in a fantasy life all the time.

Because it's the highest suicide rates. Number one. I don't even know these countries. Fucking France, just like I said. What is Lesothio? What does that mean? Guana. I can't imagine.

Did you just say guana? Motherfucker, it's Guyana. Is it? Guana. Guana's a fruit? That's worse than it's Guyana. Is it? Guana. Guana's a fruit? That's worse than Hungarian. Guana. Is that from Guyana?

Yes. All right, man. I'm on a fucking, fucking, fucking thing. Dude, that is, guana is like, that sounds like a fruit. It sounds like what, isn't it bat shit? Guana, that's what it is. Guapo, guana. I think guana is bat shit.

Guana. I think I'm going to fuck that one up Alright, look It happens to us sometimes I can't I, okay, here's the deal I'm gonna use this How about the Federated States of Micronesia? South Korea

South Korea's on that list Because they fucking see a lot of people in North Korea South Korea's down there Just be like, man Yeah, like Those people up there Live in the fucking dream. Our president shot a hundred and six the other day.

Meanwhile, what about Russia, though? Why is Russia killing themselves? Putin covers it all up, obviously. No, but he fucking, he scores 10 goals a game. That's true. That's true. You're right. I'll tell you something.

This is the stupidest segment ever. And I also knew you were going to make a dick I just knew it What? I'm making a dick? I'm making you a dick Oh Well you're making a dick

I thought from here it looked like a tip of a dick Bro take your dick out right now I want to see if you know what a dick looks like From here it looked like a tip It's just a little bit like a dick I just saw the tip and it looked like it was nice I was told that I told That looks like a dick Yeah come on

It's a dick head It looks dickish now that I look at it this way It's a dick all right All things just end up being a fucking dick One of the greatest compliments I've ever gotten I ruined the surprise I'm not making you anymore One of the greatest compliments I've ever gotten Was you should thank the doctor that circumcised you.

Oh, yeah. I was told I got a great dickhead. I was told I got a great dickhead. And I was like, you know what? I really like that compliment. I will really take it. I'll tell you what, Kevin. I put my dickhead up against your dickhead any fucking day, you dickhead.

We're going to have to have a dickhead off. One of these days, we're going to have to just whip it out. One of these days, right before we quit. That'll be something, man. The day that we're going to cash out and be like, here's all the things we were too afraid to do or couldn't ever come back. Like the last day of internet content life. Oh, baby. Holy moly, bro.

When you commit cyber suicide? Yes. Yeah. Oh, the sweet release of cyber suicide. And you can't tell me on that one. You can get me a fucking cyber jar. I'll put a dollar in on the fucking computer. I'm not putting it in real life.

I mean, here's the thing about Putin. He's, you know, Putin's like an anti-villain. For some reason, he, you know, people don't regard him as just like the gigantic murderous piece of shit that he is. But when you know the facts and you're speaking the truth, it's, you know, it's some shit. And this reporter over in Russia came out and just cut right to the fucking truth. Well, it wasn't a Russian reporter, it was an American reporter.

American reporter, even fucking crazier. And basically called out Putin for having all the people who speak out against him mysteriously die. And was like, yeah, your track record with those who speak out against you is, you know, suspiciously violent. So she said the list is of people of I don't know the word. I can't think of the word right now. Guayana. The list of Guayana is long.

List of Guayana. List of people you murdered? The list of people who guayana you and end up in jail or in a dead is long. And my question to you, Mr. Putin, is what are you so afraid of? And I think that girl has to put some money in the jar. The ball. That's suicide. That was a suicidal mission. If you want to do that shit over a Zoom call, fine.

Don't do it in the room. I'm surprised you made it out of the room alive. That's suicide. That was a suicidal mission. If you want to do that shit over a Zoom call, fine. Right. Don't do it in the room. I'm surprised she made it out of the room alive. Like, what are you so afraid of, you pussy? Why do you murder everybody? I guess I've got to be. She's dead, dude. I'm not kidding. That woman needs, like, watch your back.

I think it's got to be kind. I guess that's part of being awesome about being American, where, like, Biden's up there. He's like, touch her. I'll fucking kill you. I'll fucking kill everyone here. You know, you say that until you see that another

Clinton guy died no another dude he was an ex football player at I want to say Nebraska worked for Fox and put out

like an expose in 2018 19 something like that called the secret meeting on the tarmac the secret on the tarmac

and it was like Bill Clinton met with the attorney general once on like on the tarmac of the secret on the tarmac. And it was like Bill Clinton met with the attorney general once on the tarmac of an airport and brokered some secret deal, I'm sure, to get him out of trouble. And I think he was one of those suspicious suicide with two shots in the back. Really? The Clintons?

That's crazy for a football player, too. A football player is pretty easy to kill. Just shoot him in the chest. That's how they all kill themselves. So they're good yeah yeah yeah like if you're gonna fake a suicide just put one in the chest and leave a note about cte yeah like then you're good right it's like they just don't even try there's a long list of people who just believe in like they pick out that probably happened clinton's don't even try when they murder people you know but that's the thing i didn't realize how bad it was i I Googled that. Like, of course, it's all rumors and allegedly. What do you think the number is associated with Hillary or Bill Clinton that have mysteriously turned up dead with, like, strange circumstances?

I don't even have a guess. I'm going to guess 26. It's supposed to be 50. Really? I thought it was, like, six. I was like – Also, it's like six is way too many. That's what I mean.

I was like, you know, even if it's a handful of people, that's way too much. I'll tell you what. This podcast is off. I think it's because we're playing with clay and we're distracted. I think we might have to stop the clay. I'm thinking the same thing. Okay. No more fucking clay.

We were – Okay, my next thing I was going to make was Batman eating a pussy. Wow. I kind of want to see that. I was just trying to work on a mask. I don't know what happened. It kind of turned into a dickhead. It's like all roads lead back to dicks, man.

All roads lead back to dicks. Even this. Look at this, dude. I was making a microphone here with a cord. It looks like a dick. Looks like a little fucking dick. Here's the cord. That doesn't look like a dick.

That looks like a Hitachi. Yeah. Yeah, it's a Hitachi. This looks like a Hitachi you plug in. Like a little, and then you just... Dude, did you see Shane Gillis' last final skit of the season? No. Only fans, dad.

It's the mom, the son, the daughter sit down to dinner. The daughter brings her new boyfriend over. And all of a sudden, you hear upstairs like... And they're like like is dad okay like what's going on up there and like let's we got to go check on him and then the wife's like no no no oh fuck oh fuck and they walk in and shane is sitting on a sibian and you hear the the webcam dollar thing and he's, every time it cha-chings, he goes like, and he's like, this is what I do to make money for you guys. And at one point, he goes, I mean, it's really funny.

You can see, like, you know. At one point, he just goes like this. Dude, it's so funny. He goes, oh, this thing really catches up on you, huh? It's so good. He's like, I lost my job. This is how I put food on the table. Oh, man, it's so good. He's like, I lost my job. This is how I put food on the table. Oh, man, it's so fucking funny.

Gillian Keeves, it's been the breakout. I would say Gillian Keeves is, I think Gillian Keeves is the funniest thing on the internet this year. Wow. Better than, actually it wasn't this year, never mind. I was going to say some good news. Yeah, no yeah no this this is i think the funniest thing out there they did like i think 10 or 11 episodes it's kind of like the end of the first season season one finale yeah 11 episodes i think they're the funniest sketches out there um i only brought up some good news because someone just had

like a gif of it on my timeline and i just got mad again remembering that John Krasinski did eight episodes and sold it for a couple million bro the money out here floating around on the internet we'll talk about it Alex Cooper securing I think the second biggest bag and like third biggest bag in internet history really it's probably Joe Rogan with his yearly, Dave, and then Alex. I think you have to put Clay Travis in there. I think he just got a big one. I don't know. Clay's shit didn't add up listening to the Dave Portnoy show.

We'll talk about it all. First, we've got to talk about Cuts clothing because Cuts must be making hundreds of millions at this point too because everybody's wearing Cuts t-shirts. Every influencer, every person on Instagram. Everybody. I mean, everybody's wearing cuts t-shirts every influencer every person on instagram every i mean everybody's got it uh they're all wearing the the cuts they're all wearing cuts t-shirts uh that are all a a fashion staple they've got the classic plain t that they refined it and updated it and combined the premium quality with the new updated fashion and kept everything minimalistic which is like the exact vibe that I think every guy is going for now they've got shirts polos hoodies crew sweatshirts every type of shirt you

need in all the important but yet low-key styles you need, whether you're going from the boardroom to the bar, whether you're going out on a date or hanging out on the couch. Cuts keeps you looking sharp and keeps you comfortable. They say take the plain tee but make it Tony Stark. The Tony Stark of t-shirts is Cuts Clothing, and right now you can get 15% off when you go to cutsclothing.com slash clancy. That's cutsclothing.com slash clancy. that's cutsclothing.com slash Clancy.

The only shirt worth wearing, premium with a purpose. That's cutsclothing.com slash Clancy. When Clay went on with Dave, that was one of the more infuriating things I've ever heard. Because Clay was like, who do you think, first of all, just two rich guys being like, who do you think ends up with more money is It's like, read the room, fellas. They just got done talking about the fucking Barstool Fund and how the world was suffering. And then they're like, you think I end up with more money when we're dead? And Clay was like, including investments and shit.

You know? Oh, really? It's like, well, yeah, dude. Like, if I took all my money and put it into, like, Hogege and then Hoge goes to $20, I'm going to die a billionaire. And I don't – Dave was like, oh, I'm just talking about like the numbers that we know from like the deal. You know what I mean? And he never – I don't think his numbers were like fully disclosed. And there was no exclusivity in his deal.

He can still talk about other gambling. Like he has to use Fox's gambling thing. But he was like, I'm free to talk about our competitors and barstool and shit it's like well then what the fuck would they be paying you for so i don't know how much cash it could have been yeah i didn't hear anything so he did get a bag but i don't think it's more i mean 60 60 million straight up cash but maybe so either way even if you were to include Clay Joe at like 100 million a year

Dave walking away he's probably worth like 250 million dollars right now and potentially more Dave will probably end up with the most honestly I think he has more upside than Rogan does I was actually thinking the other day I think you said too I don't know

I thought it was like 100 but whatever the point is I was thinking the other day it is uh i think you said too i didn't i don't know what too i thought it was like 100 but whatever the point is i was saying the other day that uh thinking the other day that it is um it might be time to start caleb watch do you remember on barcelona radio when dave said if you ever be here a billionaire will give caleb 10 million dave born is gonna be a billionaire i swear i mean that that to me is like like i think he got like 100 million in cash when when the deal went down. But that was like he had stock at $28 million and then it went to like $100 million. Now it's back down.

It's fluctuating. But depending on where that ends up, I think you get into the hundreds of millions. Then you start investing and shit. And then you – once you get to like hundreds of millions, you get to a billion. You know what I mean? It's just like eventually it's going to happen. That's – I mean I was actually just speaking to Caleb recently after he did Sunday Conversation. Remember when I used to ask people for $50,000?

Yeah, yeah. He did that basically with Mayweather. How much money have you made today? $1.2 million. Can we get some? He was like – dude, there was like a split second where I thought he was going to give me some cash. Because if I had big money, I would do that, as I always talk about. Like, I would donate money and all that shit.

I would do it for the PR. Not for the right reasons. But, like, if I did an interview with a guy like Caleb, and he was like, yo, let me get 50K. And I was like, okay. Write the check. It would be so viral. And everyone would be like, you're the man. You're're so cool that's like an urban legend that but then also but that's if you give a mouse a cookie yeah and then you give 50k to one person people start asking 75 and also when

you don't give it to the next guy it's like well how come him and not me you open up you know pandora's box but also you can be like uh fuck you it's a one-time thing i just did it but i mean i would do that kind of shit for fun for all. Have you watched Hacks at all yet? No. There's a scene. I could just talk about it, right? Fuck spoilers.

I don't know. If you're watching Hacks, turn it off right now for a minute. But she – it's a big theme of that show. It's awesome, by the way. It's really, really good. I really like it. Jean Smart is the fucking best. I asked Kelly to try to get her in here.

I think it would be an awesome interview. She's like a feminist comedy icon, right? And she has to eventually rework her act. And this new writer convinces her to talk about a lot of her experiences with misogyny and a lot of her down down times and all shit long story short she has to go to a tiny comedy club and she gets introduced by like a hack male comedian who's like um hey guys let's bring up you know you know her she's a legend she's got a great set and also great jokes like talking about her tits and like all these like hacky jokes and she goes off of her script and starts talking to this guy and and she's like why the fuck do you do that like why

are you such an asshole like that and she's like you don't deserve to take the stage like with someone like me she's like he goes she goes how much money for you to never step foot on a stage again and he's like 69 million and he's like she's like ha ha ha 69. She's like, all right, I can't do that, but I can do 1.69. I'll give you $1.69 million right now. You can never step foot on a stage ever again. And, and she's like, what do you think? Should you take it? And the crowd's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she's like, uh, and if you do take foot, if you step foot, you have to pay me back double. I will watch you like a Hawk. I will have lawyers draw this up the whole nine. And it's like such a fucking awesome flex. You know, that's the kind of shit i would do if i got super rich i would make headlines with my money give it away sometimes throw it to my haters in a in a in a cocky way that's the best way to spend your money well what what's what's bezos's wife's name ashley no uh mackenzie mackenzie mackenzie balenzie Bezos is basically doing the same thing right now.

Where she's giving away $6 billion last year. And that's got to kill you. Like, when it's someone else's money, that has to fucking kill you. For sure. Like, James Bezos has to be like, just the fact, like, I wouldn't even care if she's giving it away. He has $200 billion. Like, $6 billion. Dude, he got his shit cut in half, and then within the year was right back where he was.

Yeah. Well, to help the pandemic, it gave him a good jump on that one. But the like, I would be like, that's not her money. She did not give away $6 billion. I gave away $6 billion. Yes. It's $6 billion of my money. But she had the smarts to actually give it away.

Jeff didn't. You know, so like. Jeff Bezos was going to fucking space instead like a fucking loser. Did you see what that ship looks like? No. It's kind of like a glorified airplane. You're like looking out a plane window. I don't know what I expected it to look like, but

also you are strapped down for like 90% of it. I think they said there's like three minutes where you get to float around. It was either 350,000 feet. You can get on a buckle for three minutes. And you'll float. There's no gravity up there. I think they said there's like three minutes where you get to float around. It was either 350,000 feet. You can get your own buckle for three minutes. And you'll float. There's no gravity up there. I believe so, yes. Would you do that? For $26

million? No. Let's say somebody... To go to space? Yeah, sure. I mean, I don't even like to get on airplanes, so I think I would hate it. You don't? I'm not afraid of it, but it's uncomfortable. It's like fucking... Oh, I love airplanes. What? Yeah. Who loves airplanes? I fall asleep the second I get in one. I'm all about airplanes, but it's uncomfortable. It's like fucking. Oh, I love airplanes. What? Yeah.

Who loves airplanes? I fall asleep the second I get in one. I'm all about airplanes. You fall asleep everywhere. I know. You are like, I can't wait to get on this plane. I am very excited. I love traveling.

And not just going to new places. But people say they love traveling. They don't mean literally on the plane. Well, that's why I just was continuing. I said I'm not going to new places. But I like that too. But also, I like being in an airport. I like going to airport bars.

I like walking around airports. Like, I am – I don't like the TSA fucking line, but, like, everything else, I'm about it. You agree with this? I'm not, like, adamantly opposed to it. Like, it's not – I mean, I'd agree, like, airport bars, walking around airports. Well, airport bars. I mean, going to bars is cool. Yeah, but it's also like great people watching and shit. Great people watching.

I like how airport bars you can go at any hour and it's like time doesn't matter. You like fucking planes and shit? I don't mind them, but like it's not like I – Nick, Jackie? I don't know. I was just hung over on one last weekend. I could do without a plane for a while. I think that's crazy.

I always say there's like airport rules and airport laws. They don't exist. You feel like you're in a different world. You have your headphones on and you feel like you're in a fucking movie. You walk around on moving sidewalks. Come on! Why have we not instituted

moving sidewalks in more places than airports? Where else would you institute them. Here. That hallway is so long. Malls. Fucking sidewalks. I think that one's just cost prohibitive. But the other one. Certain spots.

I feel like they're just random blocks of moving sidewalks. I think the way that we have cross streets, like certain ones for traffic or how you get cross town, those should have moving sidewalks. Certain spots. Moving sidewalk the way that we have cross streets, like certain ones for traffic or how you get cross town, those should have moving sidewalks. Certain spots, moving sidewalks just right there on the sidewalk.

Cross town, I might be with you. You can just say, I got to go up to 42nd Street and hop on the cross town sidewalk. It's amazing. You know what is crazy? No, no, no. It's so much faster than a moving sidewalk.

Listen, it's a permanent, it's a constant subway. You don't have to wait for it. You don't have to go underground. It's always running. You just hop on. Also, like, this is how dirty it would get, just piss and shit getting pushed into it. Yeah.

Oh, at the very end where it all just piles up. Gross. You know what's crazy? I saw a homeless guy, like, you know, there's homeless guys and then there's, like, the super homeless the super homeless you know like their ass is out and they're gross and shit and yet and still i watched him still put on his mask really and i was like that is crazy you know i'm always talking about that i'm always obsessed with the idea of how like serial killers will stop at a red light like little things that we just all conform to and obviously in like the south and in certain states they didn't conform to the to the masks at all and then here in new york you got a guy who had like a heroin needle

hanging out of his arm his asshole was literally out i saw like his balls hanging between his legs pants were falling off a thick coat of soot on him. I could smell him a mile away. He was like a fucking chimney sweep. It looked like a cartoon character when a stick of dynamite blows up in his face and he just turned black. And he had just a collection of cans and garbage. And he was just like a moving nomad. And I watched him just got a mask up, guys. Fucking nuts.

Good for him, though. But I was up, guys. Fucking nuts. Good for him, though. But I was like, wow. I mean, I wouldn't follow a single fuck. I mean, that's why people jerk off on the street and shit. It's like, I'm homeless. Fuck you guys. I don't give a shit, man. I'm going to jerk off right here, dude.

Anyway, where were we? I think Alex Cooper. Alex Cooper. Naturally. Naturally. So I did the Kevin. Alex Cooper. Naturally. Naturally. So I did the Kevin Clancy show. I had like a long talk with myself about it because, I mean, the reason I said like one of the biggest bags ever is because it's fucking historic. It is like a landmark watershed moment for, I mean, she's definitely got to be the biggest bag female

wise right i would i would guess so yeah i can't think of anybody else on the list as far as like a content creator who was the face of something i'm sure there's business people maybe but um so like there was the part of me that uh was a raging bitter jealous person over it and then there's the part of me that, like, I love podcasting and, like, believed in this whole medium. Like, when Dave said it wasn't going to be anything, I was, like, sticking to my guns. Like, no, yes, it is.

So then to see that someone, like, in what, like three years? Yeah, probably three or four. Three or four years ago? Like, you can go from literally unknown to $60 million. Like, that's, like, a win for the whole industry. Yeah, I think there was a lot of tension or jealousy. There was a lot of jealousy in the Barstool office

about it, which I did not understand for a second. Well, the thing about it, I mean, I definitely understand it. But like, to be jealous about this and almost everyone in this office to be jealous about that, you have to be delusional. Yeah, definitely.

Well, here's what I thought. There's a few things at work. There were a lot of people. I was in the bullpen when the variety thing announced. And basically everyone was like, holy shit. And everyone was yelling like, what the fuck? And everyone's like holy shit and like they're all everyone's yelling like what the fuck and everyone's like

what are you all talking about it's one of the biggest podcasts in the world ever yeah and that's just the fact what could you possibly be jealous about well I think

number five on Spotify including so I was like Rogan and then like the NPR ones the things that like yeah the numbers that just don't so like what is the

what is the surprise for well okay here's what it is. And I'm basically playing devil's advocate because I – I'm not playing devil's advocate. I went through all these emotions. So the number is just staggeringly high.

And from a business point of view, I don't quite understand it. Like even the Rogan deal, I don't quite get $100 million a year. So you have $120 million a year wrapped up in Rogan and Alex Cooper. I would argue, and I'm an idiot, so maybe I'm dead wrong, but I would argue that this is the industry to do the total opposite.

That you can find small podcasts that have smaller audiences, but that podcast means the world to them. So if Spotify,ify's main thing right now is getting people off apple and coming over to spotify right and so they're doing it with the big names so that'll probably work just because they are the biggest names but i would think it's better to spread that money around and find like all right this is a smaller podcast but they're going to bring like a hundred thousand people here that you know maybe even 100,000 is high like a 25,000 people who are like

and it's a niche cooking show but those people fucking love this person and will follow this person over to Spotify and if you do that with a bunch like a zillion other podcasts that are just way cheaper you can lure those fans over it's the one industry where you really don't necessarily need star power to get loyalty. You find niches that have – I mean I agree with that, but also I think if you can get both, which is what Call Her Daddy is, I think you might as well get both. Get a massive number and diehard loyalty. I don't know.

I mean I guess it depends on – I think that the Daddy Gang is wildly loyal, but then I wonder how much of her, let's say, like 2 million listeners are the diehards or the people who are just like tuning in because they heard of this like cultural phenomenon. I think the same reason why we said like the Obama-Springsteen podcast is stupid and a waste of money because podcasting is all just about like random people with personality. I'm applying that same logic to this where it's like you don't need to go spend the most money to – if your idea is to acquire listeners. But that was because the Obama – I don't think you need to get the most expensive listeners. Go get the least expensive listeners, but they're still coming over. I think Obama's Springsteen was silly because Obama and Springsteen aren't podcasters. So why would you listen to a podcast

with them? Whereas Alice Cooper's a podcast. Yeah. So you listen to her podcast. Sure. Like, Obama and spring scene are obviously exceptionally interesting people, and I'm sure the podcast was pretty interesting. Right. But I would never in a million listen to it. Yeah, yeah. I think it's like, I would rather take that $20 million

and spread it around to a lot of different podcasts that are cheaper and still have diehard loyal fans that will now just be Spotify listeners. Like, I don't think they care whether it's a Call Her Daddy listener or, you know, Podcast 123 over here as long as Spotify has ears listening. I guess I just – I don't know enough about podcasting. Like, I don't know. I know that those podcasts exist. I couldn't name you one of them That like that

I know there are little podcasts with big Not big followings but loyal followings But I don't know of them I'm sure Spotify could find them All of them over here you know what I mean there are people here who would like Love Bob Fox's podcast And they're like I'm going to listen to Bob Fox wherever they go And like you give that person A fraction of the money but you you get all of their listeners, and you do that all over the place.

That would make more sense to me. It's like if it's a place where you can find diehard listeners for cheaper, I would do that than overpay for the superstar to bring their listeners over. Now, to add up that many podcasts. I don't know. That also sounds like, I'm just applying it to sports. That also sounds like we don't need Kyrie, KD, and fucking James Harden. We can just get a bunch of guys who, like, they do their role. And, like, that team doesn't win the championship. Yeah, but it's almost like it's not that, though, because the goal is just to have listeners. It's not, like, a quality of listener. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So if you can just add up all of, like, the listeners and it's not like a quality of listener. You know what I mean? Yeah. So if you can just add up all of the listeners and it's – I just can't – I guess it boils down to I can't imagine $20 million worth of listeners. I don't know what it is. I think most of it – I don't know most of it. I have not done – you've kind of done this on your own show, so you've done a much deeper dive in it. When they were all talking about the $60 million deal yesterday, I was obsessed with a different number. That was,

it takes Rick Ross five hours to cut his lawn. That's all I was thinking about. What is that? He's got a big Don John Deere tractor and he says it takes him five hours to cut his lawn. And everyone was like, $60 million, $60 million. And I was sitting there staring at my computer

watching Rick Ross and his John Deere tractor. Yeah. And I was like, five hours to cut his fucking lawn? That was the number that blew me away. And where was that? Josh quotes me yesterday. 200 acres. Like right in the middle of it.

And I was like, you guys can fucking argue about whatever you want to argue about, what you fucking think you deserve. But I am going to focus on this video of Rick Ross. And he cuts it himself? Yeah, he cuts it himself. Big old John Deere tractor. This kid's out there for five hours, Kevin.

Cutting his lawn. How often does he do it, too? By the time you get to the end, the other shit's growing back out. Fucking five... That's not even a fucking John Deere tractor. That's like a fucking corn harvester and motherfucking Rick Ross just out there rolling around for hours. He's just smoking.

He's like, I don't listen to any music. I don't do anything. I just chill out here and listen to my thoughts. I love Rick Ross. That was what I was wrapped up in yesterday. Yeah, that's crazy. You honestly see what time the variety article dropped and you probably sent that within minutes of the variety article because like

i could hear everyone arguing and i almost interrupted everyone to be like look i know you guys are big into this 60 million thing but i got some number that's really gonna blow your fucking mind i think the um the reason why and then i think the reason why and then I think the other side of it is that because it's like a sex show and I think people get bent out of shape about the fact that it's like you can just

oh but I was going to say I think it is like sorry to interrupt but the I think a lot of the money is to also just for the publicity like Spotify has again they'll own sure basically a week of free marketing.

I guess it's just a view when they got that much money to burn. Yeah, I think unless the amount of money brought in per episode is absolutely astronomical, I think the vast majority of that money is like a sunk cost for just publicity and eyeballs and ears and headlines. But that just seems like a shit ton. But maybe it's not. Maybe Spotify's got like billions to burn and they're like fucking whatever, dude. Because if they're looking for the actual like return down to the penny, I don't think you're going to get that. Like Dave was saying that like he like Barstool could have made a relatively competitive offer.

That to me is insane. I can't even I can't fathom that like we started where we started and now we're a company that could be thrown around athlete type money. When you start talking about millions per year like publicly like that's like an athlete. Like when Guy Fieri signed an $80 million extension. It's like this is what we talk about like you know three hitters this is what we're talking about like you know the guy's scoring champs but uh but barstool needs to see like the return you know it's like you make this much money but you bring in this much on on ads and so that's i think we're still at that level but i guess for someone like alex you want the prestige you want the name you want the cachet of of it. So that's probably where Spotify is thinking their money is.

I'm just saying if you're thinking about it from a return on investment, it's got – I can't imagine it like adding back up to $60 million over the next three years. But maybe there's – You're not thinking of subscribers too because you have to subscribe to Spotify. So like think about the percentage of Apple, just Apple listeners that have to subscribe now to Spotify. That can make up a decent chunk of it by itself. And on top of that, you probably have ad splits as well. You've got to subscribe? She's going to be behind a paywall?

Well, Spotify is a paywall. Yeah, you have to pay for Spotify. You do? Yeah. I thought it was for no ads. It's like selling. Yeah, you're right. You can just listen to Call Her Daddy if you want. Yeah, I forgot about that. I assume you would go in for the whole entire thing, though, at that point. If you're listening to Spotify.

I don't know. I feel like a lot of people would probably just listen here and there for free. I would just like to point out that Josh is barely speaking in the mic and nobody's yelling at him. I was about to. He's done it once. You've done it 60,000 times. Actually, now that I edit the podcast, it's really annoying and I apologize to everybody. Yep.

Yep. There you go. But I think ultimately everything with Call of Daddy will always boil down to people are mad that like this girl can hop on a mic and just talk about sucking a guy's dick and call it a gluck gluck and she's more successful than 99.99 of people who have ever lived and it's it's bullshit for people around barstool to be upset about it because it's not like anybody here is like writing fantastically clever shit. It's like we're all up here just bullshitting and she just does it on a better, more successful level. And I think that we've all talked about it before. I think it is – it takes a talent to do it where it's like – there was a tweet.

I think Dan quoted it. It was probably a few weeks ago where it was like someone being like, you don't understand the time it takes to put into investigative podcasts or whatever, and the script writing and the research and the this and the editing and the producing and the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's just bullshit. Some people can just throw on a mic and bullshit and be successful. And it's like, well, yeah, comedy podcast, you have to have improvisation. I'm going to leave.

Improvisation. I'm going to leave. Improvisation. Improvisational skills. And, like, yeah, that's what a comedy podcast is. You don't need to do all this fucking research and all this bullshit. You need to have a brain that has synapses that can fire and be funny. That's what you need. And she can do that. She can be funny.

She can be interesting. And so, yeah, she just pops it on. Or also, like, the value of, like, she's brave enough to say what most girls are brave enough to say. There's so many girls now who are like, I should have just been sucking cock or whatever saying it. I mean in the world. I don't mean in Barcelona. And, like, I don't know. Yeah.

Give it a try. See if you're fucking hot enough and funny enough and good enough at describing how to suck a dick. That's the thing. It's not like, oh, i should have been sucking dick it's you shouldn't suck in dick and been willing to talk about it in front of your family and your friends in the world and be confident enough to be like yeah that's fucking me that's why she's successful because it's girls who are going like oh wow she talks like we talk but like to the whole fucking world but i i mean i definitely had feelings of like uh oh man like i've been here so much longer and like grinding so much harder. See, I did.

I did. Because she's just more successful than us. Right. Well, that's what I mean. But there was a point where it was like, oh, she's doing really well. Like, fuck that. And then I found out how well she was doing. And it's like, oh, well, now it's just undeniable.

It's not like it's a fluke or a flash in the pan. She's just making so much more money than she – she's always been paid what she deserves. Right. You know what I mean? Or underpaid. She's either been underpaid or fairly paid the whole time. She's never been overpaid.

And then when this happened, I realized it was a joke that I ever even tried to compare myself to her. Like I said on the other show, I was like – it's like being like, LeBron, why don't you play in my men's rec league? It's like, oh, no, no. I'm so far above all of you. And that's not like cocky or arrogant. It's just like, yeah, we're not on the same level, dude.

You know what I mean? It's just crazy to even compare your show to mine because it's like talking about the NBA versus you in your backyard. I think it's like – and I've always kind of thought Barstool like this. I think fans kind of think, and maybe people at Barstool are more jealous of things than other people care to admit. Nobody here admits it. Everybody's jealous of anybody who's bigger than them here. But jealous?

And probably in the whole world, not just Barstool. But everybody's always like, I'm funnier than that, or I'm bigger than that, or I should be funnier. I should be bigger than that. They should listen to me, not them. I always thought of it, and maybe I'm in the minority, but I always thought of it as jealousy of like – I don't even think I'd ever use the word jealousy. I think I'd use it like healthy competition where like I want to be that big or I want to be that funny or I want to be that and like I want to be able to make that money

or whatever. And I think of it as like a football team at practice where you're like, yeah, I'm the second guy. I want to be the first guy. First guy is a little bit better than me. So I got to fucking work. And like I think that that's how I always thought everyone thought here. No.

And I think it's more just like I deserve that. You have healthy competition and they have unhealthy competition. And it's not everyone, but there was a hullabaloo. I'm not going to say it was everyone, but there was a good amount of people. It's the number being very high, the subject matter, and the thought at least that – like with football, it's like you – it's so very obvious. You can run faster, throw further, jump higher, hit harder. It's just, you know, whatever. Whereas like we could turn on a mic and talk about sex too, and it's not that different, you know, whatever. Whereas, like, we could turn on a mic and talk about sex, too.

And it's not that different, you know? Like, I said this once about, like, LeBron. Oh, and Stephen A. Smith. It's like, I can't get on a basketball court and do anything remotely close to LeBron James. I can hop on a microphone and entertain. I can't entertain like Stephen A. Smith, but the gap is a lot closer than it is to like for sure lebron it's the same sort of thing with alex where it's like i can fucking joke about a girl choking on a dick i guess not though i guess there i guess the gap is i think that's what we're like again the internet i would actually go so far as to say i bet you joke about

it better you just don't look look at i Look at it. You don't deliver the message as well. And that's part of it, too. It's like, you know, some people have God-given abilities, like, on the field. She's got a God-given gift. And maybe she, honestly, I've never listened to the podcast. Maybe she jokes about it better. I would give her credit where it's due. But all of it's a combination. I don't like seeing you talk about joking.

I don't like it either. I don't like seeing it either, my friends. I wouldn't blame you but you know i actually do when i saw the clip the other day of us doing the uh the cat uh captain america and batman eating pussy i was laughing i look pretty fucking funny the funniest shit on that whole saga uh when i i did the one minute man on it it was funny we had like the podcast was titled batman eating pussy one minute man on the youtube was titled batman eating pussy the clip was titled man on it. It was funny. We had like the podcast was titled Batman Eating Pussy. One-minute man on the YouTube was titled Batman Eating Pussy.

The clip was titled Batman Eating Pussy. It was like yesterday was just all Batman Eating Pussy on KC Radio. But on the one-minute man, I said Spider-Man would be great, but he's like only a teenage kid. So he doesn't know what he's doing. And Captain America would be awesome, but he's a 50-year-old man. He's an old white man from the 50s. He doesn't eat pussy. And my brother edited in old Cap when he just goes, no, I don't think I will.

It's like, he doesn't eat pussy. No, I don't think I will. But, yeah, I mean, I think that's ultimately it. If Alex Cooper joked around about Batman eating pussy, I'm sure she will on her episode. And it will just get that many more downloads. And then she'll put a hoodie on that says Batman should eat pussy. And that will sell a million and like the proof is just in the pudding

and everybody here at Barstool has some great pudding her pudding is way more and way fucking better there has always been tangible proof in the form of her merch her money her revenue her downloads all of it and you can be mad about it but you know what I guess we can go on about this forever but I'll wrap

it up to keep with the sports comparison i think it would be like if kevin durant kairi hard and all them like shot like had bad form on their shot and it just always went in you know and you're like that's not that's not how it's supposed to be like i played the game like the right way and she does like she just talks about sex but it's like i don't don't know, the ball goes in, bro. We score more points. So it doesn't matter how it looks or what you think of it. At the end of the day, scoreboard – and her scoreboard has always read a lot higher than everybody else's.

I just never knew it was $60 million. I mean, I definitely just have, like, a whole new – this happened with J. Cole for me. Do you know J. Cole's worth $100 million? Is that surprising to you? I would say it's surprising, yeah. Yeah, like, I would not Cole's worth A hundred million dollars? Is that surprising to you? I would say it's surprising Yeah like I would not think I know he's successful

Is that surprising to you? How come? I mean he hasn't put up Many albums right? No he has six But like he went Double platinum No features

Everybody loves him He had six straight Number one studio albums Which is like never I don't think anybody Any rapper's ever done that All went to number one And I think he owns Dreamville or something like that it's more about it's like one of those things

where you own the record and all that but yeah so when i heard that i was like oh it changes my whole perspective where it's like i thought you were a good rapper now i think you're like an iconic businessman you know what i mean same thing with alex where it's always like yeah this this bitch is fucking good on the podcast to being like oh you're a fucking entertainment icon like your name's in history now and when they write about the internet and shit. And also the thing with people who get jealousy over it is like, well, I mean, if this is the direction podcasts are going, that's a pretty good thing. I know. That's the other thing.

If that's the fucking bag people are getting, then like, I don't know. That sounds pretty sick. Yep. I would be. And, like, obviously, no one would expect that ever. But, like, if we get a fraction of it. Yeah. Well, so I reached out to a guy we know, like, in the business world.

And I was like, dude, how do I even get a fraction of the Alex Cooper bag? And he said, there's only one way i can think of it and that's you guys got to turn gay and i was like we are so close anyway man we're like 65 of the way there why not make it official why not make it official and just get money bro that would be what if pat's gets the next one i'll murder him i'll Murder him? I'll murder him. No, I'll murder him. Now, if that's a guy, I'd be like, I fucking built this place. The only reason you're here is because of me. I got 20% of your shit.

No, I'll fucking kill Pat. That's for sure. We're going to steal Pat. If you get the money, we're going to murder you and steal your money. You earned it. Pat, I'll fucking end your life. I will end your gay fucking life right now. Dude, I will commit a hate crime. I can see John in constant. Why'd you do it a bit? Because he's gay. He's gay and rich. That's

why. That is, that is, don't edit that. Don't say that I looked at the barrel of the camera I will become a hate crime committer If Pat gets the next bag Oh man That's so You know what You know what You know what kind of fucking numbers We would do

If not only It's just It's not that we were gay That we're gay It's that What if we came out If the story was These guys have been in the closet

For ten years at Barstool And have actually been gay all along And now we're out? If the story was these guys have been in the closet for 10 years at Barstool and have actually been gay all along and now we're comfortable to tell our story and we just make one up. And then we just have to start fucking each other.

And like I said, we're pretty close anyway. We're going to start leaving breadcrumbs. Like there's that storage closet upstairs where they keep merch but they keep a camera in it.

Yes. We got to take down the signs there's a camera in here. Yes. Fucking there a few times. Right. Someone leaks that. Well, no, you know what we need to do

We can just start out like this We go up to that We go up to that room Me and you go up to that room right We wait until someone's come down the hall And then people see us walk out together Yeah If we walk out of a storage closet

And everyone's like Oh hey Sorry Sorry And John's like Oh Oh you're topping me Definitely

I am for sure Topping you Look at you little fucking twink. I'm fucking banging you. No doubt. I'm for sure topping. Bro, I'll fucking fist fight you in that closet and then fuck your ass. Bro, see, that's why we're going to be.

That's going to be our sexy dynamic, bro. You're the fucking, not the bear. What's it called? You're not a bear But you're a hunk The twink's fucking the hunk You're the twunk? I'm a twunk? I'm a twunk

You're a fucking hunk Yeah, I'm the twunk Fucking the jock And it's gonna be like Oh, isn't that funny? He's the bigger one But he takes it in his fucking ass From that guy

He hosts the show And fucks it I'll be doing ad reads I was gonna say Well, Kevin, can't you? Ad reads but he takes it in his fucking ass from that guy. He hosts the show and fucks it. I'll be doing ad reads. I was going to say, well, Kevin, can't you? Ad reads, throwing cock, he does it all. See? Spotify, you hear this? Spotify is cutting a check right now off that two-minute segment.

You want to see Kevin's perfect fucking dickhead? And see, if you told me right now, all right, you got to do a podcast where you show the tip of your dick. All right, here we go. For those $60 million, you can just look at my dick, man. Man, I really wonder what the domino effect is because the amount of girls who already said, oh, I should have done this, now that you see $60 million. Some of these other female podcasts that we know, just fucking let it fly. Start talking about all of it

Jesus, do whatever you gotta do man But While I'm trying to think of a way To get in that ad right there That's gonna be a tough one Baseball? Yeah, let's talk about baseball

Good old, you know, here it is Here we go, I got it Alex Cooper, congratulations on the $60 million Let's talk about baseball. Good old. You know, here it is. Here we go. Here we go. I got it. I got it. I got it. Alex Cooper, congratulations on the $60 million. I really genuinely mean that. And it's only in America, baby. Right?

Only in America can this happen. And here in America, we like two things. We like three things in America now. Podcasts, like 25% of America listens to them. We like fucking, right? And we like baseball. That's Americana right here. And so next up on the show, we're talking about baseball. Brought to you by Miller Lite.

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Baseball is the office right now. It's like the wild, wild west. Everybody's outing everybody. We got cheaters abound. We got the league outing pitchers. We've got writers outing players. We've got pitchers accusing the league of injuring them. I mean, it is a blame game all over the fucking map. To keep with what we were going

on before the ad read, we got Tyler Glassnow coming out. I don't think I've ever seen him without a hat on. Sex bomb. Oh, he's, hell yeah. I always knew he was tall and had nice hair and stuff like that, but I don't think I've ever seen him like he had in his, he is, I mean, he's Killian Murphy. He's tall, Killian

Murphy with great hair. The Rocket was devastated when he heard about this injury because he's been sucking that dick. He's been sucking that Glass Now dick for a long time now. I respect Glass Now's move. He's not injured because of the fucking sunscreen. He's just playing that card. The UCL is like a wear and tear.

It's a grind it out. You've done it. It's on the verge of ripping. I don't think it's just all of a sudden you had one game where you threw it differently. I don think so at least what do i know but i think that that was like i think here's what happened the league fucked with the balls deadening them juicing them whatever and they need to figure out a way to make up for it and they're just putting the blame like oh no the reason why is because you're using foreign substances it's you guys cheating not us and then he's gonna be like oh you're gonna accuse of cheating well guess what

you you injured me i'm the one who's fucking hurt. I read the article first in Sports Illustrated. It came out Monday, I think, and it was the one about Bubba. Now, Bubba was the – I believe he was the assistant clubhouse manager, maybe visiting team clubhouse manager for the Atlanta – for the Anaheim Angels and he was, he's the only person who's been punished so far for the foreign substances and he was what he was doing was he was

I guess, who was, fuck who was the reliever it was the closer fuck I forget his name but it was closer from the 90s for the Angels and he won, Bubba one time saw him. He asked Bubba to get him a fucking knife. So he cut open a can to mix liquid rosin, hard rosin, melted, and some other substance.

And that's what he mixed in. And that's how he made this sticky stuff. And when that player got traded, he got traded to detroit and verlander called him was like yo i this sticky stuff can you make this for me and so this guy it got around the league like the whole league knew about this guy bubba and he could make the best sticky stuff he had great stuff and this dude aired out everybody like i don't get it in baseball. It didn't seem like any of the players were the ones who ratted him out. It seemed like the MLB did an investigation.

The whole planet knew Bubba made a lot of the stuff for people, and they had to find a scapegoat. They decided on Bubba. Yep. And his argument. I understand him being like, then fuck all you. But, like, the players didn't do it. Like, right?

Like, the players, he said he was, he didn't even ask for money. He just thought it was part of his job because he was. It's like, if I'm going down, I'm thanking people with me. Misery loves company. I am not about that life. I think that's not. Dude, it was like. But I think more people would be prone to do that than not.

But, like, it's one thing if they ratted you out. Right. It's another thing to be like, look, dude, like, what the fuck, man? Like, it was, get it. Well, it could also be, like, who knows if it's one thing if they ratted you out right it's another thing to be like look dude like what the fuck man like it was get it well everyone could also be like who knows if it's like you know he was told me in the league throwing some money or like there's a reason why he did it like some under the table shit i guess maybe but like and like it wasn't just like i made it for this person it was like he showed si check text messages they verified it all they made sure it was garrett cole's number they checked garrett's number, and it was like that was the number he had at the time. And it was like, what's up, Bubba?

It's Garrett. Going down so bad. It's like – it's just a straight up text message. It's like, hey, Bubba, it's Garrett. I'm wondering if you can help me with this sticky situation. That was the text. And then it was like Verlander. See, that – there's a whole thing of like, guys, we thought it was like legal.

It's like, well, then why are you saying these weird like coded things? You know what I mean? Yeah, but like – It's like get me why are you saying these weird like coded things you know what i mean yeah but like get me the get me the i would say that like just like fun like yeah but like it's called the sticky stuff you're not being very coded with a sticky situation yeah um but it was it was cole verlander scherzer like he had like he had the receipts on everyone and i was just like why i i guess i kind of got to an extent can say go because that was he got shunned and the players fucked him. You fuck me over, I'm going to fuck you over. But this guy, I don't know, man.

They all paid him every time. That to me would be better to be like, I'm going to keep my mouth shut and you guys take care of me. But that's why I mean, he also he actually he's an insane person because he he was so sure that he wasn't doing anything wrong, and it was so easy for him, that he didn't even ask players for money. It's like, I do your laundry, and I get you your uniform and your sticky stuff. No big deal. So they tip him $100 a can, and he had all the Venmo receipts for that. But he's like, I told him it was free.

It didn't really matter. It's like, I get rosin from the Angels. I get the liquid rosin from the Angels. I just fucking melt it, and I send it to you. But I guess rosin from the angels. I get the liquid rosin from the angels. I just fucking melt it and send it to you. But I guess he made such a solution. I think he said he – He's the Walter White of – He compared it to someone like buttermilk pancakes or whatever.

He's like someone who just has been able to make them their whole life. He's like, I don't know the numbers. Like even Cole was saying he tried to fuck with his because when he got traded to New York, it wasn't working as well in cold weather. And he's like, so we tried to like add liquid to it he became a sloppy mess like can you try me because i think it'll work better at like the the blue sky at the initial level 99 purity yeah again but like he just fucking aired out and now everyone's airing out everyone now now yeah no it's like if i'm going down you're going down and then that reporter ryan spader i don't know who he is but i know right it's Dave was like he's one of my favorite

analysts and he just like, I slept on it, I've decided to fucking do this, like here are all the teams that cheated. I don't think a reporter is airing anyone out. That was weird, he was like I'm going to air it all out. You're a reporter, that's what you do. A player or a clubhouse manager or something like that

that's airing shit out. I think that's more like I was going to keep this to my vest because I don't want to burn any bridges or anything, but if everyone's going to be doing it anyway, I'm going to get the attention of the headlines. But all I know is that the 2015 World Series makes a lot more sense now, you cheating rat fuck Kansas City Royals. It never made a lick of sense that they beat the Mets. It never made a lick of sense that they hit every fucking

ball the way they did their whole contact bullshit. There's no way that the hardest throwing team in the league would never strike anybody out on that team. There's no way that guys like Jacob DeGrom are giving up four runs in five innings. There's no fucking way you hit the ball that many times against that staff and beat a team that's that much better than you without fucking cheating. That's bullshit. It is. They stole my fucking World Series. Everyone made such a huge stink about the Astros stealing from the Dodgers,

and you're not going to hear a fucking peep about the Mets getting fucked over. No one's going to say shit about it because everybody loves to see the Mets fucking fail. They screwed the fuck out of the 2015 Mets just as bad as the Astros did, and no one's going to say a fucking word about it. You're all rat fucks. You're 100%. 100%. People were crying for the Dodgers.

This monster Yankees of the West team was a $275 million payroll. People were like, give them the title. They deserve it. All this shit. The Yankees thought they deserved it. The fucking Yankees. And everybody agreed. And everybody was so mad at the Astros.

And here are the fucking Mets, a team that you should feel bad for, a team that finally made it back and was the better team and should have and would have won, almost won all of those games despite them cheating. And no one's going to not a fucking peep about how the Mets deserve it. Fuck all of you. Fucking jerks. Why do people hate the Mets? I don't know.

I think it should be like the lovable losers that you want to see, like the underdog. I'm going to make a comparison for you here that's going to make us bedfellows. I think the same thing about Tuca Rask. I don't get why you should be rooting. Let's get one for Tuca. Let's get one for Tuca. And I think people should think the same about the Mets.

Let's see these guys get one. Same thing about the Islanders right now. Right. Let's get the Islanders. They're the little guy. They're the younger brother. You want to see them get over the top. If you're going to root for the – if you're going to feel bad for the Dodgers,

the haves and the have-nots, the Dodgers are the most haves of all time. Root for the have-nots one time. The fucking – everybody agrees that the Royals had that one, like, fucking year, that one run, none of it made sense. Now it's all making a ton of sense. And it really is. And I think the Royals do play a factor in why no one's going to care because no one gives a fuck

about the Royals. And they are viewed as a have-not too. That was like, you know, the underdog of all time. But even then, they didn't have any like hateable stars like Correa.

Like, well, Altuve became hateable because he was fun. He was fun because he was a little guy for a little while and then it was like, fuck this guy.

Fuck this guy, yep. Yeah, but the Royals all of a sudden making back-to-back World Series and winning one and then just like disappearing off the face of the earth.

It's like, nobody stopped for a second and was like, this is face of the earth. It's like, hmm. Nobody stopped for a second and be like, this is fucking weird, huh? It's like, you had a great bullpen and you cheated, you motherfuckers. Rat fuck! It is weird how it works. Ruined my life! Like, baseball can't be the only sport everyone cheats in, right? How is it the only sport that it happens every time?

The only sport that, like, a court. Every 20 years there's, like, an expose about it. Well, you know what it is, too? It's like, football, all the time people get popped. They just don't care. Right. It's all expose about it. Well, you know what it is, too? Football, all the time, people get popped. They just don't care. It's all about the records. That's why.

Records and the Hall of Fame and the pageantry. That's why it's America's game because these names mean something to people. Pretend it's a lot more important than it is. That's how it's America's game. Yeah, 100%. They turn it into a religion. Didn't Sean Merriman win Defensive Player of the Year the year he got suspended?

I don't know. Or maybe like the year after. Yeah, I don't think you're allowed to win an award that year. In the same year, yeah. But it was close enough. I remember being like, people don't give a fuck, man.

So, yeah, fuck baseball. It's the goddamn worst. Jacob DeGrom is going to have the best pitching season of all time. Until he runs into the Royals. Jacob DeGrom is going to have the best pitching season of all time. And... Until he runs into the Royals. No. But, like,

the thing is with this stuff, too, like, it's happening right now. Like, they haven't cleaned up the fucking cameras. They haven't, like, that's all still happening. It's probably just evolved.

It's like, alright, we're not using cameras anymore. They probably did move on to those buzzers or whatever. It's like, like, criminals and cops. Like, you know, the cops get better and the criminals find a way or whatever. It's like criminals and cops. Like, you know, the cops get better and the criminals find a way around it.

It's like it's a cat and mouse game forever. They're not going to just stop cheating. I remember watching, like, Icarus when they were talking to, like, a U.S. track and field representative. And he's like, 90% of the people out here are on something. We just can't catch them. Right. They're a step ahead of us. It's like when the mob and the feds are talking and it's like we know that you know that I know that you know, but we just can't prove it.

Same fucking shit right here, man. Dude, by the way, speaking of that, did you hear about that app that the FBI created that they just got all of the mob thinking it was a fucking secret text messaging app? And it wasn't? And it was just the FBI running it? Wow, that's slick. We moved this up real quick. So they were all just using a platform and just sending all their texts to the feds. And they were just reading all the texts.

By the way, that's a funny tweet from Val Kilmer. Val Kilmer tweeted, does he or doesn't he? With a shot of... We can give it a try. I'll bring the wine. Batman saying we can give it a try. I'll bring the wine. Batman fucks.

Batman eats pussy. Just give up. But yeah, I mean, the fed's pulling some shit like that where that's like a nom yeah a nom fbi controlled a nom app ensnares scores of alleged criminals in global police gang that's like come use our our platform it's called like it's like the the definitely not the fbi app it was it wouldn't i mean, I can't read all this article, but I'm hoping that it was like, if they were really smart about it, if you set

up like, Anom is the new digital app and you had a launch for it, you had a dummy company, you had entrepreneurs, you had Gary V buying into it and talking about it, you have like, you know, conferences. Oh, they're at South by Southwest this week or whatever. All just to fucking nail the mobsters.

I hope it was like that because that's some cool shit. That's like a movie I would watch. That would be a cool job to have. I listened to that podcast, something in the wind. Winds of Change. It was like an eight-part Spotify series. I was listening to it before alex cooper got me uh it was that the cia wrote a song in the 80s called winds of change that they had this um

german rock band sing that uh bell that like it was it's all about you know winds of change like like the world is changing and it was like come over to america and like get rid of stay away from communism and it like infiltrated all of russia and then they so they did this deep dive it was pod save america guys like produced it and they like went and talked to the record producers and the this and the that and it was all like can't confirm it but like there was some weird shit going on and it's like some argo shit yeah exactly that that. And I wonder how much the takeaway from that was like, they're doing this shit

all the time with pop culture. Yeah. With like clothing and music and TV and you know, it's like, you think maybe like coming to Korea then

is the Nazi stuff? What's that? Remember how it was a few years ago where there was like, like swastikas were like real hot in Korea. Probably.

Like they didn't, they didn't know, I guess, I mean, I don't know how you don't know, like no matter where you're from, I like they didn't they didn't know i guess i mean i don't know how you don't know like no matter where you're from i don't understand how you don't know what the swastika yeah like they were not in korea were they you know censor shit not north korea no i think it was it might honestly might have been japan i i forget but it was like it was popular clothing like not just not like oh there was some psychopaths wearing it like it was regular it was sold in like popular clothing stores like swastikas and like hail hitler shit it was i mean have you noticed that uh like a lot of movies i can't tell if it's like

chicken or the egg but it feels like a lot of movies now are like a global pandemic of a disease that like uh like i watched that terrible one on Netflix where the world – nobody can go to sleep anymore. Or there's – it's so bad. It's called Awake. It's like one of the worst movies you'll ever see in your life. It's a disease or something where everybody catches it where nobody in the world can sleep anymore.

It's so bad. Except the people watching the movie. Yeah, basically. But I feel like everything I watch is kind of like – have you seen Sweet Tooth? No. I haven't seen shit in shit. Sweet Tooth, dude, it's crazy. It's like

99% rated on everything. It's a post-apocalyptic world where there was a virus that everybody died and at the same time all these babies that were being born were human-animal hybrids. So the main character is this little boy who has antlers and deer ears.

It looks so fucking corny. Look at this. It looks so stupid. And yet it is the highest rated show out right now. And I watched the first couple episodes and everything except that is pretty cool. I just wish that it was a disease that was like something different like i don't know you just didn't turn into like a deer i was like this deer kid looks so fucking corny but um but it's like dark and serious otherwise uh but i feel

like everything i'm watching now is like pandemic and disease and a quiet place and all that sort of shit where it's like – and I'm like maybe just taking note of it because we lived through it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or that was always popular, the idea of like an apocalypse hitting. But I don't know. It just seems to be all like happening at once. All right. Let's get into our Am I the Assholes?

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like, you know, we had our nine year anniversary we probably talked about bonus land like seven years ago and i still to this day get tweets about seven i feel like it was a long time was it that long ago no i'm probably not i'm probably exaggerating but it was it was many years ago and i still get people bonus land is when you wake up and you're still drunk from the night before and it's a bonus you're like oh i'm still buzzed uh and i feel like uh people still to this day will just send me a tweet, I'm in bonus land. I'm like, let's go. So when you're in bonus land, drink Revitalite

and tweet us your stories about the morning after. Am I the asshole? Let's go. What do we got? You want to start off? Yeah, you go first. You had a good one. This is, I mean, couldn't be more on brand right now.

As we mentioned, KC Radio is covered in fucking Batman-y pussy. Some good pussy. What's that from? I don't know. Sweet D, talking about how someone died choking on some good pussy when they want to do the, what do you call it? The singing competition. She wants to be on America's Got Talent or whatever.

And she pretends she's a former Marine who has a stutter. And she talks about how she met my grandpa and he needs some bad pussy. Okay, so here it is. Am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend how I feel about Marvel's Hulk?

My boyfriend and I were watching Thor Ragnarok, and the part where you see Hulk's butt came on. Boyfriend was like, ew, why would they show that? No one wants to see Hulk's butt. I'm actually a bit weird, I guess, and I'm very attracted to Hulk because I have a thing for extremely muscular and inhumanely big guys. So I said – Inhumanely big? Inhumanly, which I don't know if that's a word.

Yeah, but whatever. Like, holy shit, you weirdo. So I said, excuse me, but I am very appreciative of them putting in some Hulk ass. I think the Hulk is insanely attractive. Wait, I'll tell you what. He's got no ass. Yeah. The Hulk has no ass. Wait, I'll tell you what. He's got no ass. Yeah. The Hulk has no ass.

Yeah, Hulk's got to make a fucking squat, bro. He's got a pancake ass. Why don't you leave those lats alone for a minute and fucking hit the rack? Dude, forget that. You've got to do the BBL. Get that Brazilian butt lift going. You've got to inject him with some rubber cement, man. He's got no ass.

I want to see him get that cement in Russia. Go to the Atlanta hotel where Atlanta Rhodes was in. He's going to end up on fucking botched trying to get that shit reversed. Because he got, you know, like, cock shoved in his ass. Look at those fucking triceps. His tricep is fucking more rotund than his ass. Sorry, my phone's lost. But to finish off here.

Boyfriend got pissed off hearing this and turned off the movie and put something else on I asked him why he was being so rude And he says I'm a weirdo for liking the Hulk And for telling him that when he didn't want to hear it I got mad at him for calling me that And we argued back and forth Was I being the asshole or was my boyfriend being the asshole You gotta be a real insecure fucking asshole

You gotta be a real twink If you're getting fucking Bro, that is soft. You gotta be the fucking biggest gay in the world to get offended by your girlfriend liking a Hulk. Like, that

dude, that dude is just turned on by Hulk. 100%. And he's like, wait a minute. Actually, I don't know. He's either turned on by Hulk. No, he's not turned on by the Hulk. He wishes he, like, was the Hulk. Yeah. He is a know. He's either turned on by Hulk. He's not turned on by the Hulk. He wishes he was the Hulk. Yeah. He is a little twink and wishes he was a hunk, a jock. And he's like, fuck, I'm not. And my girlfriend wants to fuck that.

My beard over here. I mean, you know, I think I've reached a point. I guess when I was younger, I probably was insecure. I was always like, I don't want to hear any stories about you fucking somebody else or what your or what your ex was like or, you know, what the biggest guy you ever had or the best sex or any of that stuff. And now I'm at the point where I'm like, I don't fucking care. I don't care. I'm not going to bring it up. I'd rather not talk about it.

No, but, yeah, sure. But even, you know, in the moment, you can tell me some details, whatever. Like, I'm definitely not going to be, you know, as insecure as I once was. And that's what I'm talking about. Humans who you maybe have fucked already. We're talking about a fictional mutant. Yeah. All right.

Like, come on. You know what? That guy, that dude, they probably like, there's probably like one dude. Let's say she's a bartender and there's a guy she works with. It's like a big fucking dude. It's like, well, wait a minute. If you if you would fuck the Hulk you would fuck George there's some real life practicality coming in here that we don't know about

because this is come on you can't just be actually insecure about the Hulk can you it would be I think I lean more towards this dude fucking wants to fuck the Hulk than he's just scared she will.

So you think that he's like back off, that's my man sort of thing? I think he's just like he's insecure about how he's feeling about the Hulk. And he's like, why is my girlfriend doing that to me? He's probably like, you're right, he does have a nice ass. But he does. And my dick gets hard. He's got a shit ass. Well, these people are – he's got a shit – you've got a real shit ass.

I've got a great ass. I feel like these dudes are some white people. They wouldn't know a good ass if it sat on their face. It's like when Pippa Middleton won best butt in the world. That was butt man. Girls ass is non-existent, bro. Same thing with the Hulk here. But also, why aren't they showing fucking...

Show that dick? No. Yeah, no. I didn't mean that either. I was just... Well, I was going to say Thor ass. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll take a fucking... Did you see his goddamn arm in that, like, Instagram post he put up? I guess they just rapped. Monster? I mean... What, the Thor is love thing? Thor and love thing? I don't know which one it was

but it's the next Thor it is it just has to be edited there's no way it can be fucking Chris Hemsworth real fucking arm I mean I would

it's the size of his torso I doubt I'm not gonna doubt him ever like you're surprised by that no to me look at that arm that looks like the Hulk's arm that actually does

that almost looks like the rock like that you might be right that's weird that's ridiculous that You might be right That's weird That's ridiculous That might be touched up In a weird way That actually

I don't think that looks good See I actually tend to agree with you It's a little too big You can't like wipe your ass It looks Thor-esque If you put I'm a Hulk-esque If you look at the side of the Hulk

It looks like the Hulk's fucking arm Yeah no That's bullshit That's not real And if it is You need to slow down Yeah You're getting too fucking

jacked you know uh there was a viral thing on tiktok uh i think i don't know if we did this or not can you touch your elbows i touch my elbows put your elbows together okay do me no i won't do anything okay just can you touch your elbows yeah that's how like yeah can you do it get there John get there get there you pussy yeah yeah so I mean like I mean me it's like no problem alright

keep going am I the asshole but yeah that dude is for sure the asshole am I the asshole because my boyfriend won't stop eating ants

my boyfriend and I have recently moved in together after dating for two years. I was nervous about moving in together at first, but I was pleasantly surprised about how easy and natural it felt to merge our lives together. In a lot of ways, it's very compatible. These details don't matter. It all started when we were watching a survival show together. One of the contestants decided to snack on some ants as a protein source.

This caused my boyfriend to wonder what ants taste like, and he became curious to try one. I didn't think much of it at the time because I didn't think he would actually do it. The next day while we were cooking dinner together, I noticed some ants crawling in the sink. I asked my boyfriend to take care of it. Hang on a second. like. He said that it tasted slightly sour, like a lemon-lime flavor. I would not guess that ants taste like lemon-lime. My boyfriend is a bit of a jokester, so I assumed it was a one-time thing. The thing is, we have an ant problem. We've tried everything from ant traps to coffee grounds, but we can't seem to get rid of them. Now, every time my boyfriend sees an ant, instead of killing it, he will simply

pop it in his mouth. I think it's disgusting. I frankly don't want to kiss the same mouth that's been eating ants. I know that in some cultures it's perfectly acceptable, but this is just strange and taboo, and it's too much for me to get used to. Am I the asshole? Am I being too dramatic? There's a key sentence in this story. What is it?

I mean, don't get me wrong. This guy's a fucking asshole. Yeah. Just stop eating ants. But the problem is I thought it was hilarious that chick gave him too much of a reaction this guy's like probably like a little bit of a loser right and he's never been uh maybe doesn't get the he's a jokester but he doesn't get the laughs and he tries the whole court and he doesn't get the attention he needs and it's like it's like being like like keegan i laugh at

something he does and he does it 50 000 times again you know so you ate he ate the ant and you were like oh my god that's so crazy and now he's like okay i'm gonna have to eat the ants every fucking time because he's probably a guy who tells long-winded stories he's probably a guy who kills jokes he's probably a guy he's it's like frank the tank you know what i mean if tank ate a ate an ant and we all gave him attention for it he would eat ants all the fucking time. Yeah, that's true. So I think she, unfortunately, is to blame by giving him the reaction. But also he's to blame because he's just an asshole. I want to eat some ants, first of all. Yeah, you Feidelbergs, you eat your weird bugs. Never forget when Feidelberg's brother ate a cicada moth thing that was like this big and this thick.

It was like a fat fucking bug. The size of a cockroach. A chewy, gooey, crunchy bug. And he just went. I thought it was a magic trick. I thought he didn't need it because he did like a. I thought it was one of those like poof, it's gone. And then I watched him like poof.

And he swallowed it. It's a fun game. It's not a game to eat bugs. Yes, it is. Hey, what's the game called? The game's called Eat Bugs. What do you do? You eat bugs.

It's not a game. It's a fun game. We're laughing about it right now. Imagine I had a bug to eat. We'd be in hysterics. We'd be dying. See? I mean, you guys, you got to laugh one time. You kept on eating bugs. Yeah. It was her fault for thinking it was hilarious. I think that the

idea, the revelation that ants taste like lemon-lime flavor. Huge. That's the story here. We are burying the fucking I don't want to eat a bunch of ants. Like, I want to give it a... I don't want to, like, eat a bunch of ants, but I do want to see if they actually taste like lemon.

I actually don't even know how much I believe in this story. Like, I feel like if you were to eat one ant, you wouldn't taste anything. I would think the same thing. Like, if an ant is, like, it's gone. Like, literally just full of flavor. Yeah, you need to eat, like, a line of land. Like, fucking warheads were studying the taste of ants,

wondering how to pack that much flavor into a fucking thing. You know what I bet this motherfucker did? I bet this ant was crawling on the countertop that was like sprayed down with some like lemon pine salt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like this. And then licked it. He was eating pine salt.

Or lemon, lemon, whatever that's fucking called. Yeah, you're probably, you're probably right. Fucking idiot. Fucking, what a moron. Ant eating moron. Total dickheads out there. Last, and by the asshole here, this, John, is a moron. You ant-eating moron. Total dickheads out there. Last am I the asshole here. This, John, is a doozy.

My wife and I have a son. Three. Now, this is an important part of the details. 3M. Now, in the Reddit world, that means three-year-old male. In baby world, you do 3M, 6M 6m 9m so that might mean three years old that might mean three months okay put a pin in that uh he accidentally hurt one of my brother's kids 2f so two-year-old female so that leads me to believe that he's doing the f then the m is

probably male yeah so it's a three-year-old okay it wasn't serious and also i don't think how i'll get a three-month-old hurt somebody. Right. Okay. It wasn't serious. Everybody was fine. But my brother's wife said, oh, wait, did I give the title? I didn't give the title yet. So my wife, 24, called my brother's wife, 25, his breeding bitch. So imagine that. Your wife calls the other wife the breeding bitch.

So my wife and I have a son, three-year-old male. He accidentally hurt my brother's kid, two-year-old female. It wasn't serious. Everyone was fine. But my brother's wife said as soon as she saw it, control your kid. To be honest, it was a bit offensive. They were playing around. He accidentally tripped her.

But I don't think she meant it in that way. She was usually very nice. I think it was just instinctive. My wife made a comment back like, well, at least I can watch mine. My brother's wife asked what she was implying, and from there it went out of control. My brother's wife said they can have so many kids, six, because they take care of all of them and are good parents. They are good parents, but there was a bit of an implication that we aren't good parents. So at this point, I make my second attempt to stop the argument my brother wasn't in the room my wife's turn to still ask what was what

she was implying even though i'm actively trying to stop them and my brother's wife says she's failing our kid by working and that it's proven that kids with without stay-at-home moms suffer in all these sorts of aspects uh my wife says my brother's wife is not a stay-at-home mom she's my brother's breeding bitch my brother's wife is not a stay-at-home mom she's my brother's breeding bitch my brother's wife started crying and she rounded up the kids and left now my brother's wife is not right with what she said at all uh now my brother's wife is not right with what she said at all but breeding bitch was so horrible of course i'm getting texts from my mom telling me that my wife should be ashamed of herself and i'm defending my wife but is there an approach to this i want to tell her that she can't just say things like that

um insults always making you the loser but i want to say this in a way that makes it sound like i'm not siding with her now people went off on the uh on the so he's got a three-year-old so like young right yeah very and then the but the brother is like 20 you know young 20s and has six kids oh this is a white trash ass family so so so so that's what i thought reddit, of course, Reddit being Reddit. Get an abortion, you fucking losers. So Reddit said this, though. They were like, Reddit has run with this, and they've decided it's like a religious cult. Yeah.

That these kids are trapped in a cult. It's too religious. They just keep getting fucked and getting pregnant, and they can't abort them. And then this is where it gets really like dark. So, um, I explained to my wife, uh, and she agreed. They both needed to apologize together. They, they went, they got together. Uh, they apologized. It went pretty smoothly. They both recognized they were wrong. My wife felt like, uh, saying control your kid was an insult. Sister-in-law didn't mean to be an insult. They understand it. They understood the miscommunication, hugged it out. My sister-in-law started crying again. And then my wife asked if I Hugged it out. My sister-in-law started crying again

and then my wife asked if I could leave the room. So they just had a private conversation themselves. Wife informed me later that the sister-in-law is pregnant again. Number seven. That's why she was so upset. She doesn't want to have any more kids, but apparently my brother does. So she hasn't told him yet.

So she's a breeding bitch. She wanted to cap it at four. She's now on number seven. So this started out as the semi-asshole thing and eventually became like, this is a breeding bitch. This is a breeding bitch and we need to maybe band together and save her.

Am I an asshole for calling the sky blue? No, you're not. This is a breeding bitch. She's been having kids since she was like 17 probably, churning out kids every fucking year until she's like 24. I've been spending a decade just fucking having kids. At that age, too, it's like, at any age, it's weird.

But doing like, you know, 16 to 26, just popping out kids. Oh, my God. Yeah, this is fucked up. This is a dark one. Let's fucking get to the bottom of this and find this trick. Because, yeah, they are in trouble. What if we did that? What if, like, we became, like, the Nev, Nev of Am I the Asshole?

Like catfishes. We'll track down these assholes and we'll save them. We're like, hey, breeding bitch. We're here to take you to safety. They bundle her up and run away with her and be like, you raised those seven kids yourself. This bitch is on her own now. Goodbye. Hey, Hulk bitch, your boyfriend's gay.

You'd be heroes. Spotify. gay you'd be heroes spotify we did two gay guys run around the world saving the assholes of reddit yes we'll call it gaping assholes voicemails let's go voicemails today are brought to you by simply safe john you remember that feeling when you used to get tucked into bed uh did your parents tuck you in at night not really

they probably popped their head and said goodnight I'm sure before I had memories they probably did maybe I could see your parents being like get in there and go to sleep I used to throw Keegan in the crib and walk out and he would go right to bed it was amazing there was a period of time where I was confused I was concerned that Keegan wasn't going to learn was amazing. I was actually, there was a period of time where I was confused. I was concerned

that Keegan wasn't going to learn to read. Because I never had to read him a bedtime book because he would just go to sleep. I would literally walk him in, put him down, walk out. That was it. It was amazing. It was like a few month run. And now it's not that. Paying the fucking price. Yeah, there's no way your parents tucked you in.

They were just like, go the fuck to sleep. But getting tucked in at night, get all snug and safe. That's why I wish I could. I wish one day to get a $60 million deal so I can exclusively live in hotels. And just always get that tuck. Every night. Like, no do not disturb.

It's fucking new sheets. Tonight, tight. Tight as fuck. Give me the tuck. Well, when you have SimpliSafe in your home, your entire house is snug as a bug. You're just safe in bed every night when you're tucked in inside a SimpliSafe house because it's the best, most affordable security system in the world right now. It's an award-winning system with all the technology bells and whistles,

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And I'm thinking like any listener who goes and gets a new house, just fucking go to SimpliSafe. It's one of those things like you're going to have to do it. A lot of people are buying houses now. Absolutely. People are getting out of the city, getting your house, getting out to the burbs, and you're going to need security. So why not do it through SimpliSafe for all the reasons I just explained,

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camera. There's nothing to lose at simplisafe, S-I-M-P-L-I, safe.com slash KFC Radio. Voicemails, let's go. Yo, my microphone's kind of fire, dude. That was kind of good. Yeah, it's pretty good. Mine's not bad. Actually, it's pretty funny. I'm going to get a picture.

Here's what I made and here's what John made. What up, KFC? What up, VitalBird? Nick, Jackie. So, I was just curious. I came home drunk by myself one time, and I was just at my house by myself, and I found myself, like, dancing in the kitchen.

And before I knew it, I was, like, almost, like, reenacting the scene from Flashdance at the end. So I was just curious, what's the weirdest shit that you've ever done while you're like after you came home from a bar or wherever,

get safe and you're in your apartment alone. So what's the weirdest thing you've ever done that you can remember? Thanks. Do you have the little toy with the thing? Excuse me? Do you have the little toy with the thing? I want to play with that.

Oh, I actually do, yeah. Do you want this back? No, it's okay. Okay, I want to play with this. This dude started dancing like Flash Dancers at home? That's weird. I don't even know what Flash Dance is. I mean, I know.

I haven't seen the movie. I know it's a movie. It's like... Well, it's a movie. That's like... Well, it's the thing where they pull the... No, that's Striptease. No, that's Flashdance. No, that's Striptease. I mean, they might do it in Striptease, but that's Flashdance. I think it's pretty... Demi Moore, right?

Is she in both? Oh, yeah, you're all over the map. Striptease, wasn't that J-Lo's new movie? No. What was that called? I forget, but Striptease is Demi Moore J-Lo's new movie? No. What was that called? I forget, but Strip Tease is Demi Moore, like a 90s movie. Oh, right, right, right. Flashdance is the music video in the 80s.

And then they reenact it. Okay, so then she must have been reenacting it in Strip Tease. But there's also, it's also they do this, yeah, she does this thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that. I know that. Okay. So, I mean, yeah, that's pretty silly for a dude to come home and just be in the kitchen doing that. And, like, I hope he was reenacting, like, the splash or whatever.

I – ooh, I want to try to give you a good answer here. The weirdest thing I've done when you come home drunk like I mean I just I mean eating pizza and maybe jerk off to something weird you know not the best

why don't we buy box I've like boxed drunk box like fight not like fight a thing like just go box like hit a bag and stuff. Yeah, that's just – that's not like weird, weird. Not like salacious weird. It's just like, bro, that was weird.

Yeah, like it was like – I remember doing it like – It's like the weirdest thing I did was sit-ups. Why the fuck are you doing drunk sit-ups? Why are you working out, dude? That's pretty weird. The – definitely like jerk off when like when you got fucking mean whiskey dick and you just fucking leave a sweat mark on the couch. That was crazy. Like I can't believe you guys do that. You jerk off when like when you got fucking mean whiskey dick and you just fucking well that's leave a sweat mark on the couch that's what's crazy like i i can't believe you guys do that you jerk off drunk man huh you jerk off drunk definitely like not regularly not like every time but i've

definitely done it i've done it where i'm just like my dick hurts and it's just going down yeah then it becomes like a thing like a spite like you gotta cut there you think you run this show you come no when you come with whiskey dick from from Jerking Off and you snap back to reality and you're sweating. And you're like, this didn't even feel that good. Barely any cum came out. Best I ever feel. Like, yeah, you fucking thought. It's a good work.

Bitch, you thought you were done for the night. I feel like your prostate's like, fine, here you go. Are you happy now? You happy we came? Spit out some cum and go to sleep, please? Jesus Christ. By the way, people got a kid got to uncork a bitch. I got that tweeted to me several times.

Jerking off drunk is an ambitious idea, to say the least. Yeah, it does. Who do you think you are? Who do you and your dick think you are, sir? I think it's just I think I'm in control. It's like when a fucking... Like a power dynamic? Yeah, exactly.

I want to show them who's the dominant one. It's fucking me, buddy. Although sometimes he wins. How many times do you think you've started to jerk off and been like, this is not going to work? Many. Many? Yeah. Like hundreds?

Dozens? No. Dozens of times? 50 to 100. 50 to 100 times? Yeah. You disappointed yourself? Does that include times where you're like...

50 to 100 times you had solo erectile dysfunction? No. Okay. So I'm counting like times where it was like, I don't have time. Or times where like're like – 50 to 100 times you had solo erectile dysfunction. No. Okay. So I'm counting like times where it was like I don't have time or times where like, oh, someone's home or – No, no, no. I'm talking like I want to but cannot physically fit in. Oh, no, no, no. That's lower than – that's sub-25.

Yeah. I mean I'm talking like single digits for me. Yeah. I mean I get drunk more. Yeah. I get the opportunity more often than you do. That's such a funny thought. Because I also know how you roll. You're going to be

standing over the sink. No! Arms going to hurt. You know what's bad? Has your arm started hurting? Have you ever switched over lefty? No! I can find out what that job is. That thing's not getting the job done. Fucking worthless arm. And actually, I would be switching over to righty.

You're a lefty jerker? Yeah. Do you throw lefty? I right left-handed. No, I right left-handed and I jerk off left-handed, but everything in sports, I do right-handed. That's bizarre. I feel like whatever sport you do is what you should jerk with. No, my right's all –

I guess your finesse is your lefty. I think when I had my shoulder injury so many times that I learned I can jerk off lefty. Yeah, oh, you're an ambidextrous. Yeah, I think so. I mean, obviously, it's not nearly as good, but I can do it. I learned I can jerk off lefty. Yeah, oh, you're an ambidextrous. Yeah, I think so. I mean, obviously it's not nearly as good, but I can do it. I'll get the job done for sure. Sometimes it's fun. Gives it a different grip, different feel.

Where are we? Where? I feel like Charlie when he's huffing paint. What is going on up here? I don't even know where this question was. Oh, the weird thing you were done drunk. Like, nothing. I unfortunately don't have know where this question was. Oh, the weirdest thing you've ever done drunk. Like, nothing. I unfortunately

don't have an answer to that one. I remember one time just to relate to him, when I'm the One came out, I remember we were, like, obsessed with that song. I put that song on and I, like, cleaned. I was home alone one night. Caitlin was out. And I put that song on and cleaned, like, my entire

house and was probably, like, a housewife jamming out to it like i put it on repeat must have listened to it like 60 times and i was just like swiffering the floor and like oh my god just having a time with myself that was the only time i think i'm freeing the floor i think that's the only time i've ever like danced alone like when people like dance like no one's watching i'm like who the fuck what do you oh i dance i don't watch it all the time you dance all alone you dance alone a lot yeah i, it's basically the same dance I do in front of people. I don't have, like, this crazy thing.

But you'll just do that standing in your bathroom? I do it in the shower. I do it all over the place. Just yesterday, I saw you. I, like, wasn't even looking at him, and I just look up, and he's just dancing. I was sitting there squeaking a fucking marker, making a little noise, and just kind of dancing around like myself. Oh, yeah. Watch it. Play his next voice, man. Super quick hypothetical. marker making a little noise and just kind of dancing around like myself oh yeah please next

super quick hypothetical my friends and i we couldn't uh come up with a conclusion it was 50 50 down the middle also what's up guys uh kfc everybody else um would you rather spend an entire day with a rock in your shoe or with pants that are two sizes too tight uh let me know thanks bye no brand i will suffer the the rock oh bro i wear pants that are two sizes too tight all the time yeah you're an ass i don't know what size pants i wear right you really don't like it is it is a shocking thing when i put on a pair of pants that fit me be they too big or too small. I honestly, I'm going to tell you honestly right now,

I don't know if I've ever worn a pair of pants that fit. I've worn tailored pants, obviously. So I've never worn a pair of pants that I bought myself. Off the racks sort of thing. And I don't know what size I am. I don't know. It's somewhere between 32 and 36 i don't i don't know what size i am i don't know it's somewhere between 32 and 36 yeah like don't fucking worry i wear 32s i wear 36s i can't believe you wear 32s you're a thick boy i i don't got no ass bro yes and it is like it's it's it's an ever

uh ongoing fight i'm having with my body in my mind and just trying to figure out what size I am and things. You have some sort of dysmorphia where you're like you don't even know your own size. It's not dysmorphia. It's just I don't care about comfort. When people are like, oh, I've never been comfortable. I need clothes that are comfortable. What the fuck does that even mean? Yeah, you're such a weirdo.

This t-shirt I'm wearing has been itching my back all day. The moment I put it on, I was like, oof, that's itchy. Why do you do this? Why do you do this to yourself? I don't know. I ultimately agree with you on the answer because, like, you know, I'm going to be on camera. I'm walking around here.

If you wear pants that are two sizes too small here, you'll be, like, the subject of stool scenes. What are you talking about? I've worn them a million times. No one notices. But you dress like an asshole. If I came in all of a sudden with these super weird tight pants, what the fuck's going on? Whereas the rock in your shoe sucks,

but I will privately, quietly suffer the pain without having to endure the ridicule. Dude, I have... The rock in your shoe, man. You know what the problem with the rock in your shoe is? If you can't get it out for some reason, it's not even the rock that hurts. It's like you end up walking on the side of your foot

to not step on the rock next thing you know like your calf hurts because you're like flexing weird muscles and your feet are all out of whack it's a whole fucking thing a rock in your shoe will take out your back you'll be like oh my lumbar's hurting you'll be eating dinner that night

you'll be like hmm I gotta chew on the other side of my mouth to balance things out it throws off the whole equilibrium bro I've had uh I have pants that you can see my dickhead in. And it's just, they're patterned. Don't you wish you had my doctor? They're patterned so you just can't, people don't tell.

Can't tell. Yeah. I'll be like standing here, on the show I've worn them. Your dick's in them. And I'll be like, boy, that's a clear cock right there. Is it the plaid ones? Yep. Okay.

Okay. I can see your cock. I can see him. That's because those pants don't fit me, Kevin. Yeah. But I bet you I'm one of the only people because you know what it is?

It's like you're almost eye level when you do this. So I'm just kind of looking at your cock pretty often. So I bet you that's a work husband thing. Like the brown plaid ones?

Yes. Yeah. Almost like a little bit of like a brown mustardy yellow type of thing. Yes, yeah. Okay. No, your dick's out. For sure your dick's out.

I've definitely panned a camera up. What? I've definitely panned a camera up before. Sponsors aren't going to like this. Bro, don't do that. If you can fucking clearly see my cock from over there, don't not pan up ever again. People at home will be like, I can see fights' cock from home.

It's like the Great Wall of China from space. I'm wearing those pants fucking tomorrow. I don't give a shit how hot it is. Those wool pants are coming on, and that camera's catching my dick. See, now, here's the thing. Okay, you have done something here, John. I don't know.

We might have to edit this out. Now, every time you wear those pants, you're going to have to have a great cock day. Yeah. Because if I can't see your dick through those pants anymore, I'm going to be like, he's having a bad dick day. His little pecker's not even poking through those plant pants anymore. That's tough. You better have a dick day.

I'm going to come in here sashaying in those pants one day. Everyone, cock on my bell of the ball. I'm a dick, go ahead, I'll give a shit. You're Dennis at the gay night at the bar

twirling around. Oh my God, that's funny. One more, or where are we at? We can do one more. Okay, last voicemail,

let's do it. Hey guys, it's Kelly from New York. I figured I'd stay on beat with the porn topics for the week. Throwback! So, I just wanted to know, have you guys ever tried to replicate something that you've seen in a porn and had it fail miserably? And, you know, I'm assuming the answer is yes. So I'd love to hear the story from each of you.

Bro, did she introduce herself as Kelly from New York? Come on! She didn't even know us yet. I've known that girl. I feel like I've known that girl for fucking 10 years. It was around 10 years ago. This is from 2014. 2014, so seven years ago.

Kelly Keegs calling in the show. Kelly from New York. That's all I'm calling her from now on. in the show. Kelly from New York. That's all I'm calling her from now on. What's up, Kelly from New York? I could tell that fucking voice of hers a million miles away. Have you guys ever tried to replicate something in porn? Because you know that means Kelly, like, that night was trying to do some shit. I remember Kelly at, I want to say, like, KC Radio 100.

She was blacked out. She was like, yo, you ever try the pile driver? I was like, this girl is wild. We were at a saloon for, like, ten minutes. She's like, you ever try the pile driver I was like This girl is wild We were at a saloon For like 10 minutes She's like Yeah I throw my legs

Over my head I'm like You're fucking nuts bitch Have you ever Yeah I mean Fucking everything Yeah I've tried to have Good sex before

Yeah I'm trying to think Didn't work out I'm trying to think Of what's specifically Gone wrong for me though I've tried to like Flip someone over And I threw them

Out of the room I've tried to like like positions like off the bed through my bedroom door into my living room where my roommates were one of my favorite stories yeah imagine imagine one of final bro's boys he's just sitting on the couch he's flipping around all of a sudden a door flies open and a naked girl comes cartwheeling out. Like in the cartoons where they roll and there's a dust pile flying out, and she was just like, sorry, and ran back in. That is crazy. She honestly owned it. She gave it like a Tammy Taylor twirl and just came running back in the room.

See, that's a fun time. That is a fun fucking time. Tammy Taylor with her pussy out wow I once I tried to flip from her on top to me on top

and I kind of did do you know one of Steve Austin's oh I got one do you know one of Stone Cold Steve Austin's like moves he does this thing where he'll throw you off the ropes and then he picks you up like this and he spins spins you, and he drops you off the back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I basically did that to her. Flipped her, dropped her on her back, she bounced up, and I came forward, and I smashed my head into her fucking face so hard, it sounded like a watermelon, thwap, against the ground. It was like juicy like and her lip was so fucking huge

and she was starting a new job the next day. It was insanely bad. I mean it was like her head hit the bed her head bounced off. My head hit her lip and it was just blood and guts and swollen and she went to work the next day like honestly

though she iced it for like 17 straight hours we went we went out we went out to the bar we went to a wine bar we were sipping on wine and she just continued to ice it and by like the miracle of god it just like went back down i don't know how or why but it was like the sex gods were like don't worry we got you but that was that wasn't like i saw that in a porn but i just it's when you start to feel yourself a little bit and you start to try to direct traffic and throw shit around. Dude, I did this. This was fairly recently. This one happened in the apartment that I lived in with Gaz and Lou. And I was having like sex in the bathroom, like having to hold her up.

Right? The worst. And then I decided I'll try this important way just in front of throws her up onto the? The worst. And then I decided I'll try this important way. Just like kind of throws her up onto his shoulders. This guy's doing the clean press shit. I can't believe I ever told this story. So I throw her up onto my shoulders and I'm kind of like

eating her pussy. It was in the winter. And the radiator's out and I just burn the was in the winter and the radiator's out and I just burned the tip of my dick on the radiator. And I started screaming into her pussy. It was like... Holy shit.

I've never told this. And you gotta understand, obviously, anybody can understand that on the basis level. But New York City radiators in the wintertime are, no joke, like 200 degrees. Dude, it was. They are like, melt your skin off hot. The hottest.

Honestly, I probably left some of my dickhead on that radiator. Oh, no, you definitely. That was like a little skin graft. That is insane. It was. It was just like. It was. It was just like, it sounded like a horror movie. I was getting strangled. They were trying to

cover my mouth while they stabbed me to death so I wasn't making too much noise. And somehow, I got her down safely instead of just throwing her through a door. And then, I mean, you almost got to go on the DL for a little bit, right? Your dick is...

No. Your dick was hard? Didn't finish, but like... Was your dick hard or soft? I was hard. Not hard, but like... Half chucked. I was chucked, yeah.

I was like the worst possible it could be. Yeah. It was hanging good, but it was still hanging. Oh, man. And honestly, actually, I'm probably happy, now that I think about it, I'm probably happy I was in that mode rather than fucking fully hard, because if I was i would have hit my no my balls would have been the way they hit it because it was like it was like it just kind of hit the tip of it like underneath it almost like it was like kind of below you it's like the bottom tip of your dick hit yes exactly like you hit it

side no no no because it's like it was about this tall and that's a great question would you rather burn your balls on a radiator or uh or your tip i don't know. I'd rather get punched in the dick. That's not on the table. That's clearly less than burning the flesh. But I would probably – I don't know. I'm going back and forth. I think maybe now – now that I've seen it, look, a couple years past this. Do you have any scar?

We're all good I do wear no scar We're all fine Yeah we're good to go Because you know Dicks are weird colors and shit But the Like

Knowing that my dick Healed fine I wouldn't want to go back And risk it with the balls Yeah ball skin's weird It's similar to tip skin But it's even weirder It's more wrinkly

And cruisy And shit like that, you know? Time for our interview. We got Pete Lee on the show. We got our slick spirited ice. That's the interviews brought to you by. Now, we put these out a little early, so they unfortunately melted. But you remember these, man. These were like the little icy ice pops.

You cut the top and you pull it up like a toothpaste tube and you get that icy flavored snow cone type of snack. And now Slick came out and they made alcohol versions. So they've got the margarita version, the strawberry daiquiri, the pineapple daiquiris. They've got the mango flavor, the coconut and lime. All sorts of delicious refreshing cocktails. The margarita is the big fire. Margarita is fire. Because it's like a frozen margarita, but it's in the icy

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It's just enough alcohol to be like, okay, now I can go do things. And it's also refreshing. And you can nibble on that ice like when you're almost when you have a queasy stomach when you're sick. They tell you to just chew on some ice. It's the perfect way to get that alcohol in you. And so get all these flavors. Get a whole bunch of them. You're going to need them all summer long. Get yourself a big fat pack of Slick Spirited Ice when you go to your local liquor store

or go to slickspiritedice.com. That's S-L-I-Q, spiritedice.com. Must be 21 or older. This ad has been brought to you by 21 Holdings LLC in West Chicago, Illinois. Must be 21 and up. To purchase and consume, please drink responsibly. Sipping will never be the same. Let's talk to Pete Lee on KFC Radio.

Hold on. You left a voicemail? Oh! Tell me the camera was on our face when you said that. Can I explain this? No, wait. No, we're going to listen to it and then you can explain. Nick, fuck you. We got to do it now. Fuck you. Yeah, we got going to listen to it and then you can explain. Nick, fuck you.

We got to do it now. Fuck you. Yeah, we got to do it now. No, no, no. I was really nervous. No, no, no. You can explain after. It's really dumb.

I'm sure it is. This is Jackie's voicemail. I got really nervous. Okay. Let's see. Nick? Absolutely fucking. Let's go I have kind of a am I the asshole and also just a question I was on the zoom call the other day and I I had a nice shirt on, and then I stood up. Oh, this is for work.

So I'm on a Zoom call, stood up, and then I had pajama pants on. And then my coworkers were making fun Zoom call rather than pajama pants. So my point was that it's unnecessary, it's weirder to wear normal pants rather than not. So I guess it's a, am I the asshole for wearing pajama pants? Or are they, Is it weird? Is it weird? Is it weird? I thought that everyone else

was not wearing pants. Or just like pajama pants. I didn't realize that everyone was wearing like normal pants. I don't know. What do you guys think? This bitch said pants like 600 times. I told you.

I got nervous. But I will say this. I'm 100% on your side. I think it was way weirder during the quarantine if you knew you just had to be, like, neck up, that you would put on your, like, nice work pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. No, so I'm totally on your side, but the way that you executed that was fucking ridiculous.

Nick literally, like, you guys were talking about searching voice notes. I was like, fuck. We need to get everybody's number at Barstool and start searching. Yeah, I think I'm going to start doing that. Yeah, see who's left some voice notes before. It's way too easy to do that. It took like two seconds to find that. I was just sitting here like, hold on.

Hoping she doesn't look up and see how tight it is. That could have been way worse. I was hoping that it was going to be. No, it wasn't that bad, but I do just remember ending it being like, I said pants so many times. i need a pants counter on that i also i i remember i only that only happened to me once in quarantine and it was like on a zoom with like erica and jen and like all the executives of the company and i like i didn't it wasn't even intentional i just like i looked down halfway through the call and i was sitting on my couch at the old apartment where I was like,

I didn't have a desk or anything. So I was like, I was this close to being able to see below my belt. And I looked down, and I was just in boxers. And I was like, God damn. And then for the rest of the meeting, I was like, don't get up. Don't get up. Don't get up. Don't get up.

Don't pull a tubing. Yeah, but now I'm with you. Pajama pants. Thank you. Made more sense. I knew you guys would be. But you're still an idiot. Yeah.

Okay. Back to that interview. Let's go. All right, let's do it. Pete Lee's here. What's going on, man? Oh, man. I'm here.

I'm working Carolines this weekend. Okay. I'm staying in Times Square. Oh, no, Pete. Where are you coming in from? I live in Los Angeles. I used to live here for 12 years, but now I live in the Pacific Palisades. I have an ocean house that overlooks one of the best surf spots in the world.

And now I'm staying in... Great. I live in a fucking apartment. I walk up an apartment in Mount Vernon, New York. Fuck you, pal. Hey, George Washington. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

This guy knows his history. I've seen Hamilton. I know where he retired to. All right. This guy knows his history. I've seen Hamilton. I know where he retired to. All right. So 12 years here, then out to L.A., and now you're back at Caroline's. Yeah, I'm a little hungover. I went to the cellar last night and drank until I don't know when. Have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up with pizza in your bed? I was eating pizza, and I fell asleep, and I woke up.

It's more often than not. You're describing a normal morning. I feel like we're really connecting. It was so weird because I woke up and I was just disgusted. I was like, dude, you fell asleep eating pizza. And then I looked at the pizza and I was like, this is awesome.

It's there for you, ready to go. So that's our difference. I don't have that thought. I'm just like, fuck yeah, this is cold pizza. This is perfect. This is exactly how I wanted it. You just go full Homer Simpson. You're like, pizza, pizza, pizza. Yeah, I literally woke up and ate the rest of the pizza.

How could you not? I apologize that I'm a little hungover. I looked in the mirrors, and this morning I have Michael Jordan eyes from the last dance. You're like, you're my hero, and I have, like, this morning, I have, like, Michael Jordan eyes, you know, from the last dance. You're like, you're my hero, and your eyes aren't the right color. He's bloodshot as a motherfucker. Michael Jordan's got to be the richest person with the worst doctors ever. Because, like, I'm just a regular guy watching my team, like, oh, he's jaundiced.

You look unhealthy, Mike. Put the greatest basketball player of all time on the list for liver transplant. Because it seems like he needs it. Which also makes sense, though, by the way. He's sitting next to a gallon of tequila while he does this interview. So, like, it's all kind of checking out.

You know how, think about how badly you've got to treat your body to be one of the greatest physical specimens that have ever lived. And you drink and party so much that you're fucking

looking like that by the time you're done. Well, that's why I just think I don't think athletes are real people. Yeah, they're just... I think athletes are. Because we've talked about this before,

there are just so many stories of, like, Allen Iverson being at denny's at 6 a.m before a one o'clock tip playing high like chris heron who i'm from massachusetts chris heron's like a famous basketball in fall river is at 30 for 30 on him who like he dominated college basketball for a long time but despite you know an opioid addiction and all kinds of stuff and it's like yeah well you just you're just born an athlete you were born to do something that the rest of us could never do no matter what you do to your body could you imagine being at the top of your game with an opiate addiction like like i uh i had an elbow surgery from a surfing incident and i like took like i don't know it was like a five and i i couldn't even get up off the

couch for like two days i couldn't even imagine being like i want to beat people off the dribble like i i played uh high school basketball with a kid well so his name was rob rob delgado was his name he was like a 21 year old like high school sophomore one of those situations i don't know how it happened so maybe this is why because he was playing against children and he was like a grown man but he would play high as fuck like would smoke like a whole blunt you could see it he was like and he would put up you know like 35 points in a high school basketball game. Oh, my God. It was nuts. That's crazy.

Here I am like, you know, trying, like busting my ass and diving on the floor for loose balls and taking charges, taking it so seriously. And there's Rob Stone just like. Who's the baseball pitcher that they called the freak? He was on the san francisco yeah lincoln yeah remember when he got caught for weed in like the early season and then he had the shittiest season because he was being he was being tested non-stop yep so i have a few major league baseball player friends and they're like dude once you get into the playoffs they test

you once and then you're fine and then remember that year he was like lights out and they were like that's because he was super high he got his medicine back i don't know i i couldn't perform like literally even stand-up comedy like if i'm on stage and i'm high i'm just like watching the crowd laughing going this is weird so weird that we do this whole ritual is a little strange isn't it this is like kind of messed up like i don't know like dude i've always thought you guys are are freaks you guys are crazy like like i mean, I don't know. Like, dude, I've always thought you guys are freaks. You guys are crazy. Like,

I mean, like, don't get me wrong. I guess it's like anything else in life. Like you, you got to go through the worst thing to get to the best because you're up there and you're killing. I would imagine it's the greatest feeling.

Like I really can't even think of a better feeling than like a whole room or a whole theater or whatever, laughing at you. But the flip side is it takes you like 20 years of completely complete embarrassment and people shitting on you and clowning you and the most like emasculating shit ever to get there i would never i wouldn't do that once let alone like 20 years of it yes when the audience hates you it's really terrible and like i remember when i first moved to new york because i'm like i like my whole yeah my whole being is very midwestern and i'm like hi how are you new yorkers are like no right and uh i

would go out to long island and the guys at governors would book me and uh and i was like why do you have me back i suck every single time here and they were like we like to watch you squirm it's really funny and then finally i just started like shitting on my niceness and then long island was like yeah that's how we feel about you but yeah new york can have this thing where uh like you go up on stage and like you're bombing and new york is like we're comfortable if you're uncomfortable right like they're in the midwest they're like we we took a shower like we're on a date we went to dinner uh like we want to we want to like you like we're here to help new york's like we're not here to help yeah i hope you suck yeah we we hope you suck and like you eat balls and then me and my chick talk about it while we're

banging you know like that guy sucked right honey that guy sucked but yeah when you're killing it's i mean it's literal like it like releases whatever cocaine releases right i've always said like i wish i really think about what what compares to it like in the world of like having uh yeah because when you when you when you kill in like a movie like an acting gig yeah it's like you know you're you're you know the audience is later they're watching at home or on theater like right in front of you in the moment people laughing and dying and girls want you and guys want to be you and like you have them in the palm of your hands it's like a god it's like you feel like a god and like it but it's so funny because there's always these like peaks and valleys to um to stand up i'll tell you a story so i used to be michael

buble's opener you know like like really you know the crooner oh do I know Michael Blay? I know Pete and Michael Blay. He's got a golden voice. He would do a musical act, but you would do comedy first? I do comedy. He prefers a stand-up to open for him. That's a hell of a night. Pete, you stand up, watch Mike sing?

Yeah, it was great. We would stay on the concierge floors of the hotel where you could go steal meatballs before the gig. I was like, man, I'm living large. This was back when I was just a feature act, like open up for other comedians. And so I was like, man, this is the life. It's never going to get better.

Then I went to the Virginia Beach Funny Bone, and I was like, hey, where's the hotel? They're like, you got to come to the club to get the keys for the condo. Yeah. The night before, um, like there was this urban night and, uh,

and like the, the feature act was still staying there from the night before. And I walk in and he's fucking a hooker. And like, I was like, Oh dude, like, like,

like things have gone. I hope I could say that, but like, he's literally, and he just turns to me casually like, Oh, Hey dude. He was like, oh, dude. Things have gone – I hope I could say that. And he just turns to me casually like, oh, hey, dude. He's like, sorry, I'm not out yet. And then the hooker was like, oh, hey. And I'm like, hey.

Hey, guys. I'll leave my bags here. Yeah, and then he's like, I hope you don't mind. He's like, I stole the sheets because we ruined them. And so I had to take a nap before the gig because I was exhausted. And so I took my merch T-shirts and I laid them over the – The dirty bear mattress? Yeah. It was so awful.

And then I like put T-shirt – like the three XLs on top of me and took a nap. And I was like, this is so terrible. So like you get highs and lows. I feel like – Did you steal those T-shirts afterwards? I did. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did.

It smells like a cologne. Yeah, I did. And it was, yeah, there was a lot more than just the T-shirt lint on that. I think there was some hooker dander. I feel like the comedy world, like, probably until you really officially make it, I would imagine those things come pretty close together. Like the moment you think you've made it, they just chop you right back down. They chop you right back down.

Yeah, like I've had so many of those moments. I remember, oh, God. So Mitch Hedberg was a friend of mine back in the day. I got to like go open for Mitch Hedberg. And then I had to go to a high school lock-in. It was post-graduation they didn't tell us this, the year before that three kids had died partying on graduation

so then they're all punished by being locked into the auditorium and then worthy entertainment I hear comics all the time it was an impossible crowd it was a room that was never going to work it was doomed from the start that's literally an impossible crowd like it was a room that wasn't never it was never going to work it was doomed from the start that's literally an impossible it's impossible and like a bunch of

high school kids with dead friends who've been locked in a room and aren't allowed to party yeah laugh laugh and they and they gave them like like children's party favor toys so like they gave them all these jackson super balls and like we're this is like the internet generation like they don't care about jackson super balls so i'm up there and they're just like boo screw you and then i just like chirped back at this one kid and i think i called him fat he was very fat and uh and all of a sudden he just throws his jacks and super balls so there's like metal shrapnel raining down like you know those big metal things on the beach of Normandy? Yes. There's just many of those things.

They're just raining down and then there's also super balls that are bouncing and then all the kids just started chucking them. The principal came out and she was like, children, they just graduated high school. Children, children, graduation was the next day. They're like, if you do not just shut up and listen to this comedian, you do not graduate tomorrow. they just sat there silently while i finished my 20 minutes

holy fuck the worst part was that like i wasn't even the headliner of this gig i was the opening act of the high school lock-in and then the headliner had to go out there and just eat he just had to eat it for like an hour it was so funny when you're in that like I've heard like I think Rosebud and I think Sam Morrill say like when they know they're not doing well they're like fuck it I'm just gonna burn this place down I'm gonna make sure you remember me then I would not be able to do that

I would just keep begging for them to like please just lay off guys would you rather just napalm the place or are you like gonna continue to be like guys please I hope you shouldn't napalm the place or are you like going to continue to be like, guys, please. I hope you shouldn't napalm. I'm happy your friends are dead. I hope all of you fucking died too.

You assholes. You couldn't spare one fucking laugh for me. I hope you drink too much too. I'll sneak you out the back door, give you a 30 pack and the keys to my car. Go fucking wrap it around a tree. Who's laughing now, motherfuckuckers i'm just making car noises hey you know what i love trees yeah that's where your friend ended up in the trees happy arbor day assholes see that's what i would have done yep that's amazing yeah but i'm i'm much

like in real life i'm much closer to you like i just wanted i i'm like they came out they want to have a good time and i'm i'm like a labrador retriever you know like i'm just like ah like like like like i you know i have a little bit of bite but i just want to be petted right just like me please yeah and so yeah i i suffer through the i like smile through so many sets and also like my my comedy is just kind of all about like how much it sucks to be like a good guy. Like it sucks. And it's really a hard life and it's like torture. It sounds like you're looking over the beach in the Palisades.

Yeah. Opening for a full play. Yeah, really, really sucks, pal. Yeah. It seems to be working out all right. Yeah. No, but I do know what you're saying. It's pretty great.

It's not sustainable. It's one thing for a little bit of time, but for the long run, if you're the nice guy, you're fucked. Yeah, they say that comedy is one of the only jobs in the world where you have to go up to someone and ask them to get paid. I was with my friend Adam Conover. He's the Adam Ruins Everything guy, and we're at the bar at the comic strip. And I was like, hey, JR, could I get my paycheck?

I felt like Milton from Office Space. Can I swing lane? Steve Lear's back there. Can I have it? And Adam goes, oh, my God, everything is horrible for you, isn't it? And I'm like, yeah. I didn't even ask for the money I rightfully earned. Yeah.

But, yeah, so it's that kind of stuff but um so how the fuck do you end up in comedy where it's a world of like you have to win people over and desperately look for their approval and eat shit and bomb yeah i mean that doesn't seem like a match at all it no and i've had therapists tell me that like my therapist is literally like you like i have anxiety i have an anxiety disorder i'm a match at all. No, and I've had therapists tell me that. My therapist is literally like, I have anxiety. I have an anxiety disorder. I'm now on Zoloft for it. It's great. By the way,

I wasn't on Zoloft until three days into the pandemic. I started it and everybody was like, everyone's dying. This is the worst. And I'm like, I've never been happier. Feeling good today! I have so much serotonin. I love it. I wore a mask just to hide my joy.

Everyone was dying and I was like, this is, oh my God, I've never felt calmer. But yeah, I mean, I literally, I think that it was almost like immersion therapy where I was scared. I would have panic attacks going to order a coffee someday which obviously like the first coffee i had was probably the culprit of the panic panic attack but like so i think i was like i gotta do stand-up because if i can do that

then i can be normal in the world and then it just spiraled into this thing no no no you just spiraled into this yeah very successful career yeah yeah i can see how it goes south, though, too. Like, you're, you know. Yeah. I don't know. It's not a normal life at all. It can be fun. It can be great.

It can be lucrative. But it's certainly not normal shit. It's not normal. I mean, like, look at me today, though. Like, I'm literally sweating out a hangover. That's pretty normal. It's pretty normal. Yeah.

But, like, there's a reason. Like, people are like, you're such a nice guy. You're, like, you're so sweet. But, like, you love scotch. And I You're so sweet, but you love scotch. And I'm like, yeah, I have anxiety. Why do those things have to be exclusive? Fuck that. My therapist was like, don't drink on Zoloft because it'll amplify the Zoloft.

I'm like, game on. Shouldn't have told me that. Yeah, this sounds terrific. It sounds absolutely amazing. That's the real thing with Zoloft? You're not supposed to drink on it? You're not supposed to drink on it. So the first three months that I was on it, I didn't drink.

And then finally, my girlfriend is also in psychiatry. And she's like, nerd, you know you can drink on it. Everybody does. And I was like, well, I was worried that I was breaking the rules. How does that work, a girlfriend in psychology? She always diagnosing you and analyzing you and all that shit. Dude, I've been reading this self-help book just so I can start to win arguments with her.

It's an ammo, right? There's this book called How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole Lepera, and my girlfriend just finished reading it, and I swear she's using it against me. I'm going through. I'm writing down vocabulary words. Checking what she highlighted. That was from chapter seven, you bitch.

Fragile male ego, come on. She wins almost any argument with, oh, that's your fragile male ego that can't handle a woman telling you that. Talk masculinity. I'm like, what? It's such a trick to argue with a therapist because you have to remain so calm. You can't boil over because otherwise it's like Bill Burr talks about like, we need to

talk about your anger. You know, that's my Bill Burr. Yeah. But yeah, it's, and also like that Bill Burr bit, like we're always working on me. Like, like there's never a time we're in a fight. We're going, Hey, let's examine why you were upset with that and where that goes to the core of you. I can't even get through that sentence.

And then she's like, why are you deflecting? You're projecting onto me. It's not even my anger. It's your anger. Stop gaslighting me. Yeah, stop gaslighting me. Yeah, I sound like every girl on the internet. She's like, you're gaslighting me.

I'm on Instagram. You're a narcissist. You're a narcissist. By the way, these are my tits, and this is my journey. So wait, tell me more about Buble. So how do you link up with him? And then how does a night like that go? You party with Buble afterwards?

You sing Jingle Bell Rock and then hit the town? Yeah, he didn't really party afterwards, like he had a fun like green room hang afterwards and i don't know if i'm supposed to tell the story but whatever it's been like a decade removed but either buble played this trick on me or all of his crew played the trick on me because i was like dude i just want to get a picture with him and i want to get my my CD signed. And when I came off stage, he was like – This happened only 10 years ago? You're getting your CD signed? No, this was – oh, God, not 10 years.

This was literally 2003. Oh, God. Oh, wow. That sounds about right. And so they were like, go into his dressing room. He's right there to sign the CD. And I walk in, and he's just buck naked. And he's laughing.

Like, he just laughs, which I don't know. Maybe if somebody walked in on me, I would just laugh. And a nice piece on that guy. Just want to give him credit. I feel like that's the best way to not offend somebody by telling a nude story about them.

Just to be like, yeah, dude, he's packing. There's a reason why his voice is so deep. It's being tugged on from below. Bird's flying high you know uh but yeah he uh so he starts laughing and then i like i shut the door and i run out and then everybody was like gotcha and then he came great fucking prank yeah he came out because he had just showered like he got off stage he showered and then he came out he's like i got you man and then we all hung out and we had a drink backstage, and it was great. But yeah, I remember after that being like, dude, Buble is the coolest.

He's just the coolest dude in the world. I went to a similar show once that was music and then comedy. It was Nas rapped, and then Dave Chappelle performed. Whoa. So quite like you and Buble. You guys might be the ebony and ivory of those that set up right there dude i love that i love dave so dave is like he he's oh my god the first time i ever met dave i was sitting at the comedy cellar table and i'm just alone and i'm on like the

seven o'clock show and i was like the 7 15 p.m set so no other comics are there's almost nobody in the olive tree and then dave just walks in and he sits down across from me and he lights a cigarette indoors yeah don't give a fuck in 2018 yeah and i was like dave can you smoke in here and he goes dave chapelle can smoke wherever he wants wow and i was like balls on you to fucking say that yeah and i was like and and uh and i and i was like why i'm pete and he's like i'm dave and i was like i know that and uh and he's like do you want a cigarette and i was like no dude it's it's friday sdc or she's gonna kill me you know like like you can smoke here i can't yeah so uh he's just sitting there smoking we're having small talk and he goes do you like parties pete and i was like yeah i love parties dave he goes do you want to come to my party and i was like yeah dave of course i want to come to your party like of

course i do and then he gets up and he goes all right see you at the party and i was like but dave you didn't tell me where you don't even know my last name like how am i gonna go to your party and he goes it's handled and then he walked away later on that night by the way i can see and i can hear him saying everything yeah everything like parties you want to go to a party yeah it's handled all those things i can hear in digital's voice yeah and then val from the comedy seller comes up she goes hey, Dave told me that you can come to his party. You can bring a guest. And he's like, bring a guest. And it's at the box on Monday night.

And I was like, what's the box? I don't know. Oh, the box. Yeah, so I get there for Dave Chappelle's party. And it's absolutely amazing. The opening act at the box I don't know if I can talk like yeah you can say anything you want there's four acts

to the box which first of all I just thought it was a great party with like great cocktails and food and like Dave Chappelle got up and gave us he's like he's like comedians this is your night I invited all the comedians because you can't you can't afford this and I want to give you an experience that

you can afford and i wanted to be like dave you could have given us health care cash value please blue cross blue shield dave and uh and uh yeah so uh i remember we're just sitting there i'm like what a great great music great party then this this opening act comes out there was a show i didn't even know that there was a show the The opening act comes out, and she gets out there. These are her words. She's like, I'm a little fatty. And I was like, I think your body's okay. I really, you know, I'm from Wisconsin.

You should have a positive body image. Yeah, I'm from Wisconsin. You look like all my aunts. And she just gets naked, starts slapping her pussy. I was like, that's not good. That can't be good. Then she leans back, pours a bottle of like 151 in it, gets fire. Or like a guy comes out, hands her those fire breathing sticks.

And then she queefs fire out of her hoo-ha. And I was going, Dave Chappelle is the best. You're right, I can't afford this. Yeah, if Dave Chappelle invites you to a party, go. Because it's going to be absolutely insane. That's the opening act. That's the opening act. The next parts were just crazy.

There was this lady on a trapeze with the best body that I've ever seen just swinging over me, and I was just like, I can't believe that I'm getting like, you know like old dirty man with a cane with a mirror on it just trying to get up skirts? I was like, I was getting that just getting like, like, you know, like old dirty man with a cane with a mirror on it, just trying to get upskirts. I was like, I was getting that just from like, she seems really nice.

Right. Yeah. From what I've heard about the box. And I've never been, I've had friends go, I'm surprised she wasn't like pissing on you. Yeah. That's,

that's like the light. That was the light routine. I've never been either. But the, the one, the one story my friend told me, um, same thing.

There was like four acts and I remember all of them, but I remember the second to last act. A guy came out with a – a guy or a girl, I don't know. Came out with a pizza box and just took a shit in it. Just opened a box and shit in it. And then the finale was – I think it was a transgender who took a belt and like tied off their dick and balls and then took like a needle, like a hypodermic needle and jammed it in his dick. Oh, my God. And I don't know if it was a real dick, a real needle or a fake needle, but like jammed it in and then just like collapsed on the fucking stage. Oh, my God.

And everyone was like. Okay. I'm also so happy you told your story first because apparently you're the friend who told me about the dog. Yeah. Those are the two acts I was going to tell. It was me. It was me.

My buddy Connor went there. That's hilarious. I'm just imagining Barstool Dave finding that pizza box and being like, all right, you know the rules. We got one bite. Oh, shit. I mean, I can't. I would hope that was

I mean, anybody can shit in a box. Come on. You didn't even put any effort into it. Tying off your dick and shooting a needle into it. Like, okay. You're showing me something. Shitting in a box. Anybody can do that. Tying off your dick and shooting a needle into it. Like, okay, you're showing me something. Shitting in a box. Anybody can do that. Anybody can do that.

Actually, you know what? Wait a minute. I think I'd take that back completely. I think shitting on command is actually really, really hard. In front of an audience? Holding that in for a long time. You've got to prepare. You've got to prepare longer than you prepare for a baseball game. Sure.

You've got to eat at this time. You like you gotta probably have anything on a schedule have my coffee like 45 minutes before and then bam i shit on stage yeah you gotta somehow not blow while walking out there because if you're not ready you're like yeah you i mean yeah i don't know you must have somebody like dog walk you beforehand you know when dogs do that little like like wiggle yeah yeah that i and then you have the pressure, like a comedian when you're watching someone who's in front of you run over their time you're probably like what the fuck, this guy's running over his time at least you're not about to shit your pants

I gotta get on stage right now right now all of a sudden your act just becomes I shit while coming up yeah if it was me I'd have to be out there with my Instagram going okay this relaxes me. Heart shake. Heart shake.

Sorry, guys. I'll be right there. I need to squat. I need that little stand thing to put your legs up on. Yeah. Does this pizza box have a bidet? Because that's what I'm used to. Are you a bidet guy?

No. I feel like the bidet has had a major resurgence. I bet you if you look at the timeline of the bidet, it was probably like, I don't know, I feel like back in the day they used to use it for reasons. I wouldn't call it a resurgence. I just don't think it ever... An arrival? Yeah, it came to America. It's very European. It's like the Statue of Liberty.

Came to America. Came from the Mayflower. I mean, now it's like... We didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us. That's what the bidet is saying now. I mean, the amount of like – We didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us. That's what Bidet is saying now. I mean, the amount of people, podcasts, and everyone hawking tushy and stuff, it's like we are just openly like let's talk about blasting our assholes in water, folks. Yeah.

I have a joke that I say in my set. Not that I'm running a joke on you. I don't want water squirting there because my butthole is not a cat that needs to get off the kitchen counter yeah it's just weird like i um i was in japan one time and i tried a bidet because i was they've always had it right that's been their thing for like the longest time right they have the the toilet seat that's warm already which is weird in like a public restroom and then i was like all right i'll try this and i just remember, because when water squirts there, if you squirt water at a pile of dirt, there's going to be dirt spray everywhere. That was exactly what happened to me.

I was wiping butt cheeks. Sorry, this is bad. No, no, brother. I'm like, yeah, it's not great. I don't know. I think that... And then you dry wipe after that? I never use the bidet.

Yeah, I don't know. You're supposed to. It basically turns your toilet paper into a moist wipe. That's what I'm saying. Just use a moist wipe. It is kind of strange that we clean up babies with wipes, and then we get to a certain age and we're like, we're going to go dry. Yeah.

Or we just keep that going. Because it doesn't get smushed into us because we're not wearing diapers. True, but still, you're always going to get cleaner with some sort of wet. We just decide as we're adults, we'll get less clean. I'm not sponsored by them, but I use Preparation H, and not because I have hemorrhoids,

but because it's the Cadillac of wipe. I also saw that you guys have dude wipes in the bathroom. I endorse those. Wait, what do you do with the Preparation H? Preparation H has like a pack of wipes. Oh, so it's like medicated wipes. Yes, medicated wipes. I thought you said you put that on and then wipe.

You are a kinky motherfucker. Oh, yeah. Dude, I really picked that up from that hooker. She was like, while you're here, I have a suggestion. But no, they're just so soft. They're the Cadillac of wipes. I always say it's like a birthday party for your butt crack. It really is.

It's great. I didn't mean to make it weird. Again, brother, it's not weird here. We had Bobby Kelly in here earlier, and I literally had to walk out and throw up. He puked. So don't worry. You're not even close to touching it. Dude!

Dude, why are you wiping your hands with that stuff? Dude! Oh my God. Can I tell you a funny Bobby Kelly story? Please do. So Keith Robinson had a stroke, right? And Keith was probably like maybe a third of the way back. And he's still like shaking and whatever.

And I'm eating my chicken dinner at the comedy cellar and Keith has these Altoids mints because it helps him get the feeling back in his face. It's like a functional, I just had a stroke thing. You know the mints are just too goddamn strong. Yeah, they're curiously strong. Cure your fucking stroke strong.

That's crazy. Keith had a stroke. So Bobby was like, he's like, I'm sick of your mints, stupid. And he dumps them in my food and then stirs it around. And I was so hungry that I was like still just picking around the mints and like just like, yeah. What an asshole move. I'm going to ruin the stroke guy's medication and I'm going to ruin this guy's meal. Fuck you guys.

And then Bobby was like, fuck you. I'm going downstairs to do my set. And then Keith was like, Petey, do you want to have some fun and i was like i always want to have fun keith and uh and he goes come on downstairs with me so keith always has a thousand dollars in his pocket in like hundreds uh and uh we go something to know if you run some sinatra shit yeah so bobby's on stage he's got his button-up shirt and uh or he's got his button-up shirt with a t-shirt underneath it. Very Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother. And Keith walks in, and he's like, hey, hey, asshole.

And Bobby's just doing his set. He's like, Keith, you don't interrupt people at the cellar. And Keith goes, no. He goes, I have an offer for you. And he takes the money out of his pocket. He goes, 100, 200, 300, all the way up to 1,000. And he goes, this is yours if you can button your shirt and it will stay buttoned for one minute. And it was one of those ones with cowboy snaps.

And Robert was like, fuck you. I can make this happen. You think I'm that fat that I can't button my shirt? He buttons his shirt. And, I mean, the buttons are like, eh, eh, eh. And Keith has the timer on the iPhone. It gets to like 17 seconds, and it's like, pfft, pfft. And they start going off like firecrackers. And Keith was like, thanks for giving me this $1,000.

That's unbelievable. That is great. So how do you have all... You know fucking everybody. I know everybody. Yeah, I'm like friends. It's funny because... How old do you think Pete is? I don't know because when you said you used to be friends with Mitch Hedberg.

A whole range. Got the salt and pepper going. I got salt and pepper. I have an accomplished career. This has got to be... How old is Luke Bryan? Oh, I don't know. You look like Luke Bryan.

He does have a Luke Bryan vibe. Yeah, you do. I'm going to go. You have a very strong Luke Bryan vibe. I'm going to go 42. I was going to say 43. Ding, ding, ding. Wow.

Bryce is right. You did it. Come on, Dan. All right. So I guess I do know how old he is. But yeah, I'm 43. But I only guessed older because of things you've told me. If you didn't tell me you knew all those people

and I didn't know about your career, I would not think you're in your 40s at all. I mean, it's really just all of the moisturizers I buy in the Pacific Palisades. I live by the ocean. No, I don't know. I've been doing comedy since I was 20, so I'm 23 years into it.

So you've kind of met a little bit of everybody, and I'm friends with everybody. But yeah, it's weird. I'm like the nice guy at the cellar and like, like there'll be times like they all shit on me and stuff, you know, like, like it's great. I love it. Like when, when, uh, I remember Mike Birbiglia was like, oh, that table, sometimes it makes me sweat.

And I'm like, are you kidding me? They're giving me bits. Like, like if Keith Robinson finds something about me, that's just horrible. Um, like, like I can, I can literally take that on stage. Hey, Keith, can I have that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You found a way that I'm lousy? All right, let me take that for sure.

Perfect. I'll take it any day. I think comedians are kind of like pro wrestlers. We're all freaks that don't seem like we would be in the same tribe. Right. But we're all the same. We're all a little bit crazy yeah that's actually a great point because you know like the the old black guy can be cool with the young white dude and the girl can be cool with this guy and like

because you just have the same and i think it's because what we were saying earlier it's it's like everybody respects anybody else who goes through the fire you know yeah yeah i was at the stand last night and i met this young comedian and um and she's like hey my name's l and i was like i was like you're a comic i just knew it i could just sit like just feel it i could feel the pain yeah i feel like a psychic like i could feel your pain yeah yeah so now you got the new special yeah it's all dark and pleasant yeah Yeah, we taped it on Showtime. And it was one of those things where I got the call in October of last year. So, like, I mean, think about how much things have changed pandemic-wise in two months, right?

Like, you know, like things in October, it was like there's no vaccine. It's not opening up. Things are getting worse and worse and worse. Like, they were preparing for, like, a third spike. And then my manager calls, and he's like like dude you i got you a showtime special you got to go out on tour hardcore and like tune up for this and i was like okay so i i went out and i was basically getting covid tested like two to three times a week like i'd get tested before i flew out when i got to the town like i just couldn't believe i wasn't catching covid like you know me i'm a

people pleaser so like if a guy came up and was like handshake guys yeah i just couldn't believe i wasn't catching covet like you know me i'm a people pleaser so like if a guy came up and it was like handshake guys yeah i just scrubbed up i sanitized uh i mouthwashed every night i was like maybe that'll work i should have just done like a neti pot of mouthwash i don't know but i mean i feel like if it's in your mouth you're pretty fucked but whatever yeah yeah it's probably yeah it's probably pretty bad by the way yeah they swab you way deep it's like oh if you've covered in here you've covered in here yeah right we can be six feet away like this is why can't they just go whenever they did that i would also uncontrollably sneeze when i sneeze now i do like minimum six yeah and so that's in there and so i'm like okay i really hope i don't have it because after this thing goes up there, it's going fucking everywhere, babe. It's going everywhere.

Yeah. So we taped it at the Tempe Improv because Arizona does not give a shit about COVID. They didn't slow down, not even a little speed bump. They just kept going pedal to the metal. Yeah. I mean, Tempe and Phoenix and Scottsdale, they're the new Vegas, man. They really are. They're like, fuck daylight savings and fuck the coronavirus.

We don't follow any goddamn rules. Yeah, they're like, we never closed. They really never did. I think they ramped up and they were like, purposely, like, we'll pack you in here. What's capacity? 500? Give me 600. It was kind of like that.

And I think for SAG rules, I rules i'm gonna tell you it's totally socially distanced of course uh yeah like somebody couldn't even do this no way jose even even couples married couples they wouldn't let them sit together it was so distanced uh it was fucking crazy it was it was so were you like uncomfortable oh no i was because i i had my vaccination appointment a week later and i was like i was like i just know that i'm gonna vaccination appointment a week later and I was like, I just know that I'm going to get COVID a week before I get vaccinated. I'm just resigned to this. I'm just like, this is going to happen.

After the special, I was hugging everybody. I got tested. I didn't get COVID. I got vaccinated and now I'm like, ah, fuck it. My neighbor Howie just got COVID and he's acting like he's special because he has COVID.

Now, bro? It's like, listen. That was a year ago. I was going to say, I would be shedding tears and calling in to check on you maybe a year ago. I was going to say, once July hit, I was like, if you get COVID now, you're fucking looted. Johnny come lately over here. Yeah, we're not wearing ribbons for you. We're not banging pots anymore.

We're not. He's like, oh, I got COVID. I've been joking around about that on stage, about how he thinks he's special. I'm like, no, dude, you're in the past. I looked at him like, are you using a Blackberry right now? That's how lame you are. What's wrong with you?

So is it new material? Or were you ready to do this and then kovid stopped it or what um yeah i it there's a lot of new material in it i kind of did like a greatest hits because i've been on the tonight show a bunch of times but like a finite amount of people see that and i feel like showtime i think they have 80 million people worldwide that have their platform oh yeah so i'm like i I'm like, I need to just bang this out and have it be the strongest possible stuff. Some of my fans are going to watch it and go, I've seen this bit before, but then this one's new.

It's such a weird thing because you want to save your new stuff for the next special, but my brain's just like, do it. If it kills and it makes you feel like you're going to do it. You never know, too. You get it by a bus, man. Make sure your next one's your best one. one yeah there's no guarantee of another special and you know what i think the people who will know like all your jokes are probably your diehards who

like don't really care yeah and then if you're if you haven't heard that joke then good you know what i mean yeah and they probably tuned into it with their friend being like i wanted to see the dresses with pockets bit yeah like i want i need you to see this one so yeah um so now i'm working on a new hour since like i gave myself a week of just drinking and being an idiot and i was like now i gotta get to work i gotta write the next hour and i've never had that before like i you know i'm friends with all those guys that they dump new hours every year and they gotta start over and uh it was hard at first like i i would i'd go up around la at all these secret speakeasy shows and uh all these outdoor shows and just eat my ass just yeah but i was like committed to it and uh i was just like totally

committed to it and then um uh and then now uh it's like so my special premieres on july 9th and so my goal is to have a new hour by then that I could tour with and start getting ready for the next special. And it's like already. Jesus Christ. It's not done, but it's like my hour is really great. Yeah. So I know that I'm going to add in more stuff. Is your first special or first hour kind of like your.

So like I compare it to maybe television writing like when uh when true detective came out the judah wrote that he said he was working on that like almost his whole life like he had this idea and so like for like a decade he was and then they were like okay you had a hit now we need season two in like eight months yeah and he was like this one last one took me 18 years because i was always thinking of all these different wrinkles and shit like that so is that like your first best hour has probably got to be a lot of material from you know when you first started right and then you have to do another one in a year it's like it's a life it is your life's work yeah it's your life's work mixed with stuff that you're currently doing that is

that is good and uh i remember another one yeah you they want another one and but the the thing that i try to trust in that is that I'm the best comedian that I've ever been. And I'm better than writing. I'm better at writing than I used to be. So I should be able to write bits that are better than that now. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. For sure. But like there were mornings where I woke up, do you guys ever just wake up and the first thing your brain's just like, let's be mean to you right away. Every exclusively, exclusively that I exclusively wake up with pizza in my bed that I ordered and the first thing, your brain's just like, let's be mean to you right away. Every. Exclusively. Exclusively that. I exclusively wake up with pizza in my bed

that I ordered drunk the night before and a mean brain. And a mean brain. For the first month of doing this and just eating shit on stage with the framework of this, I'd wake up and be like, dude, you're not going to be able to do it. You're not going to be able to do it.

And then a few months later, I just got more stage time. I started touring with it. It started killing. Because it's not that the bit's not funny right away. It's that it doesn't have enough meat in it. Like, it'll have, like, one great punchline, and then you're trying to figure out how to fill it in. And then usually the funniest part of it,

you don't even find it until you're on stage messing around. Right, when the audience reacts. Yeah, and you figure out how to bring it to a boil but yeah it's uh it's it's it's been my journey yeah i don't know like it it but it's also you know i'm talking about it like it's all serious but it's also just playing you know like like we're like like we do this stuff for a living because we just get to play like yeah we just had this discussion about how it's easy, but it's not. It's not respected. It's not hard, but it is really hard.

It's this weird, very unique thing that taxes you mentally and emotionally, but at the end of the day, it's not brain surgery, so where does surgery. So what, you know, where does it fall? But yeah, what, what is it? Cause it is hard to be witty. It's hard to come up with stuff. Um, even just what we've done, just riffing and stuff like that. Your brain is firing so fast to, to, to flow and to connect and all that kind of stuff. It's hard work. And it, um, and afterwards you kind of like slumped down. I, I, uh, my girlfriend, she had to give a speech at a wedding and uh and she my she always gives me credit for working pretty hard and whatever but uh shocking where does she have a sister uh no she she has a brother all right fine i'll do whatever it takes

to get a little appreciation i don't know if you're gay but he is rich i am now he could provide a really good life for you. Anyway, my girlfriend had to give a speech at her wedding. She basically went up and gave the speech and I helped her

punch it up and she killed. You know how when you go to a wedding the maid of honor sucks? Sucks. When we were at camp

and we cried. I love them when they're reading the paper and they're like, they need everything. Just shivering with the paper. And then the best man gets up there

and he's like, yeah, this dickhead. I remember him as fucking a hooker in Tijuana. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so like, but she got up there and crushed the maid of honor speech harder and like the best man couldn't even follow it. And I was like, yes.

Yeah, go mission accomplished. Oh, my God, yeah. But she got done, and she was just slumped in a chair like, I am so exhausted right now. That's what, like three minutes? It's three minutes. And she's like, I can't believe you do that for an hour. She's like, oh, my God. Over and over and over.

Over and over. Every night after night of the night. And it's an adrenaline cycle. I didn't realize until the pandemic that I was addicted to adrenaline at 8 o'clock and 10 o'clock and midnight every single night. And then sometimes I'd take Ambien just to go to sleep because I'm like up.

After that last set, I crushed. I'm all excited. And so yeah, it's really taxing on you physically to do what we do, to be funny, to have your brain light up all the cortexes. I'm not smart. No, I know, yeah. I remember when we first started talking to Stefano,

and he was even talking about podcasting, and he was like, yeah, I stopped going up so often because he started doing, I think he was doing History of the Ancients at the time, but now he's doing Crazy Chaos and Hey Babe, and he's like, I just stopped going up so often because that was fucking hard. I was too tired later in the day. Imagine doing what we do in the day and then you get up at a late spot at night.

And again, people who are digging ditches are like, whatever, pussy. But I promise you, if you were to do this, you'd be like, holy shit, I'm fucking tired. Yeah, you always have to save some. It's like a marathon runner. You got to have someone in the tank for the last six miles like you uh i'll go like my my girlfriend will come with me on trips and uh and she'll be like all right so we're gonna go for a hike and then we're gonna take a surf lesson and we're gonna do this and we're gonna do that and i'm like i have to do a show i've got two shows tonight and she's like i that's one thing uh who was it mark norman was talking

recently like he went on vacation with his girl and like scouted out the comedy club and did a couple sets like on vacation i'm like oh man i could see many girls complaining about that yeah we're on vacation together like i'll see i'm going out for a couple hours to like that and mark's like comedy comedy comedy oh my god Mark is he's one of my favorite people in the world I remember

like years and years ago we were driving to this gig in New Jersey it was just like a shitty bar show and Mark's like yeah I'm just trying to find

my voice in comedy and I was like dude do you have one of the most unique voices in comedy comedy he sounds like an old timetimey pickle salesman. And then that laugh, that like, ah, ah, ah.

Is that real? Fake? What's going on here? Somebody pull a string out of your back? Ah. He's like, yeah, I'm not Jewish. Everyone thinks I am. Yeah, I have an idea why, Mark.

Yeah, stunned that he's not Jewish. That's insane. He's not. Every single time I'm at the cellar, the server will come over and be like, hey, you finished with your dinner? Mark's like, oh, hey, I'll eat that cauliflower. He never buys his own dinner. He eats other people's dinners.

And he's like, I bought an apartment that way, a New York City apartment. I bought it off of that money. You're wasting a whole lot of money. Again, I can't believe he's not Jewish. All right, so the special's what, July 9th? July 9th. July 9th on Showtime? It's specials on Showtime.

If you're out there, tell a friend. I'm looking at that camera. Tell a friend. Tell an enemy. I don't care. Call up somebody you hate and be like, watch this fucking enemy. Anybody, yeah. Don't give a shit who it is. Tell an acquaintance, watch this fucking anybody. Yeah. I'm giving shit.

Who it is. Tell an acquaintance, just like tell two people. That's all I care about. And, uh, you know, I'm soft.

So, uh, watch it with your girlfriend, invite a girl over to watch it with you. And she'll be like, this is funny. And I'm like your mom's favorite comic. I mean,

people come up to me and they're like, my mom loves you. I've, I actually saw a screener. So watch, have your girl watch it instead of law and order one night yeah yeah that is we do we talk about all the time like girls are so obsessed with it's law and order and it's true crime podcast love it it's like yeah you all you're getting killed it's just reason for you to be terrified at all the world yeah

everything in the world it's somehow it definitely deep in like some deep dark places i don't want to talk about it just it's turning them on 100% there's no other reason that it would do it it's releasing something in their brain that turns them on and they're just obsessed with it and like guess what I'm not the kind of guy who's gonna murder you so I guess this goes back to it's tough to be a nice guy they don't want to fuck you

you're not gonna murder them yeah my girlfriend she'll be like I don't know why I had nightmares I'm like do you think it was your lady's murder show before you closed your peepers and she's like no it must don't know why I had nightmares. I'm like, do you think it was your lady's murder show you watched before you closed your peepers? And she's like, no, it must have been the olives on the pizza. I can't eat olives. It triggers an enzyme in my blood. It gives me nightmares.

I'm like, by the way, that's how my girlfriend's... It's the serial killers dancing in your fucking head. Yeah. So my girlfriend used to be a prison psychiatrist. Oh my God. So she'd wake up and then I'd wake up after she had left for work and forensic files would be on. And then she'd come home and she'd watch like murder documentaries and then she falls asleep to the ominous tones of forensic files.

And so I would see her and I'd go, wake up, murder, fall asleep, murder, go to work, murder. She's like a rap song. She's a hardcore murder. Yeah. That's like the pinnacle of the true crime girl. She is the queen of that shit, man. Dude, she... Some of her stories that she was telling...

She's going to kill you. She's going to murder you. We do have guns. I'm like, don't hate me, but I'm liberal and I have guns. Wow. I have a really crazy, scary stalker. And so I was like, ah, I went out and I bought a Sig Sauer P226. And I go to the range.

I love shooting guns. I mean, I'm like – How serious has the stalker gotten? We have a restraining order and a – So you know who it is and everything? It's not anonymous? I know exactly who he is. You know what government is and everything?

Shit. His trial starts in five days. So we're just like – Oh, shit. Yeah. So I – like it – here's how crazy I am. His trial starts in five days. So we're just like, yeah. Here's how crazy I am. So he's tried to come into our house before or whatever.

This is just like a crazed fan who just doesn't like your shit or something? He's a guy. Or is he someone from your life or just a fan? No, he's a crazy guy who has bipolar and schizophrenia who also lives in my neighborhood who is also a fan of mine. And he had previously only attacked women. And then he sees me, and he's like, he knew my comedy, and then he just latched on. Attacked women, but was free? He's rich.

He's rich and white. Yikes. That's a scary fucking combo. Yeah, if there's any proof that there is racial injustice in the system, it is, I mean, there's a lot of proof. I was going to say, if there's any proof that there is racial injustice in the system, it is – I mean there's a lot of proof. I was going to say, if there's any proof, I think we've got a lot of proof. There's just a lot of proof. It's super easy to Google and get your hands on it. But like this kid being white and rich and having got away with everything.

Wait, this kid, how old? He's 30. I call him a kid. No, yeah, because he's an asshole. But I wasn't – if If he was 18 or something. He's still free. Literally next to my bed, they sell these things

that you put basically like a magnet mount to your gun and then underneath my nightstand, it's like the cell phone thing for your car that goes like... Whatever the... The kid sticking to his arm that backs people. Whatever that is, I literally have a magnet-mounted Sig Sauer

because he's threatened to come in and he's tried to come in. How badly do you want to kill him? Oh, gosh. How badly would you love a self-defense? I get to fucking... The true Clint Eastwood, like, give me a reason. Right, right.

And you are totally safe. You can make my day. When you asked that question, like, give me a reason. Right, right. And you are totally, like, safe and, you know. You can make my day. When you asked that question, here's the question I heard. Pete, how badly do you want to lose this court case right now? We'll leave it at that. We'll leave it at that. No, I wish him the best. I want him to get help and just leave us alone.

Yeah, for real shit, man. No, he's a piece of shit. Fuck that guy. Before we leave, I do have to ask you one thing. I love Mitch Hedberg. I actually had a class in college where it wasn't a Mitch Hedberg class at all. It was called The Daily Show, and we were supposed to write bits, and we never did it.

We just watched Mitch Hedberg clips. The teacher was also obsessed with it. We would just get into class and watch YouTube Mitch Hedberg clips. So could you give us a Mitch H headberg story oh yeah um so like i remember he first came to acme in minnesota and he uh and like he he was just hanging out in the green room i was like man you're just the best i can't believe that i'm friends with you and then i get emotional talking about mitch because like he was a real good friend and you know obviously he died but uh anyway uh he was like uh he came up to me the next week and he was like, hey, Pete. And I was like, dude, do you remember my name?

And he was like, well, you said we're friends. He's like, you said I can't believe I get to be friends with you. He's like, we're friends now. And I was like, oh, wow, that's so cool. So we'd hang out. I'd go open for him here and there, just a great guy. And then I was in Montreal for montreal uh for the montreal just for last comedy festival and this like little minnesota couple came up to me and they were like

they were like our son told us that if we could ever come watch you that we would really like you and i and i just got done with new faces i was like still sweating and i was like oh who's your who's your son and they're like mitch headburn and he it was the anniversary of his death and uh and so they they had him up there to honor him and and give his parents this award and uh and i just started crying like i mean that's the biggest best cosign you can get from a legend yeah on the spot i just started crying and i hugged his parents and like we all cried together i was like that is so beautiful so that's kind of a sad story um a funny story was uh we used to be in this death pool at acme and uh like like all the comics would be like me hedberg stanhope was always there uh you know like

all the local comics would be in it and uh i remember uh i'm sitting next to stanhope and we're picking celebrities that are gonna die die. And Stan Hope is like, Mitch Hedberg. Oh, no. And Hedberg was like, oh, that's cruel, man. Yeah. That's really cruel. You know I'm not doing well. And then Mitch died that year.

Oh. And like, as sick as it is. This is the funny story. Yeah, this is the funny story. I mean, it is. It is funny as shit. It is funny. But like, as sad as it is, when Mitch passed away, we were all crying and whatever.

And that was the thing that makes comedians laugh. Yeah. Remember when Stan Hope picked him in the death pool? Stan Hope came to collect? Stan Hope is literally in the lead now. That's amazing. I love it, dude. You're a funny-ass guy, obviously, if you're getting the co-sign like that.

So July 9th, Tall, Dark, and Pleasant. Go check it out on Showtime. Thanks a lot, man. Thank you so much. Thank you guys so much. I'm big fans. This is like I'm living inside of the content that I like. This is so cool.

I appreciate it. We're going to go next to our doings on the internet. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Thank you. Bye.