KFC Radio - Cazzie David, Harry Styles Rockin a Dress, and International Men's Day

Episode Date: November 19, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review! -Things are looking...good(?) for KFC's sports teams -Feits is mad no one believes he could beat Vladimir Putin in a fight -Ben Shapiro (the man afraid of WAP) is big mad Harry Styles wore a dress on the cover of vogue -It's International Men's day and we're givin each other compliments -Spoilers of Ryan Phillippe's new show Big Sky -Skip to 37:00 to avoid spoilers -AITA Thursday: Peein on neighbors, Anime body pillows, and Sexy Haircuts -Voicemails include dating a cop and appearing strong or being strong (01:29:30) Cazzie David joins the show! We talk about how KFC and Feits heavily related to her book "No One Asked for This" (Link Below), anxiety, Call Her Daddy, the problem with twitter, and much more. Pick up a copy of Cazzie's book here: https://read.amazon.com/kp/embed?asin=B081TVMHVD&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_lnGTFbK39HD6W Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @FeitsBarstool @CazzieDavid

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I did the most childish thing I've ever done in my life last night. Whoa. This is, this, you better bring the heat because you are a big dumb baby. Like, you've done a lot of childish things. I drank so much soda I just threw up. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. I'm getting nervous,

John. What's up? I'm getting a lot of good news in a row. Well, it's mostly Mets, but just good things keep happening with the Mets. And in my experience, like, that means that, you know, the other shoe's about to drop. Like, the Steve Cohen thing happens, and then, like, Theo Epstein's going to be available. Now Robinson Cano gets popped for steroids. That's $24 million off the books, and we're potentially getting rid of, like, this old-ass second baseman that I hate.

So like, I didn't realize you guys still had two more years of them though. So many years, three more, three more through 2023, I think. So I was hoping like, Oh,

we only have two left and this is one off. So we still have a long way to go. I can't believe. So last year they offered him a hundred million dollar four year contract. Um, no, no.

He signed a 10 year deal. Oh, this is from his yeah i traded him so they that was part of it the mariners were like oh take him um and uh yeah he's here forever at 24 million dollars a year but now like i can see steve cohen being like okay you're just gone like there's no way they're gonna hopefully either put jeff mcneil back at second where he belongs or you do you know you go you're just gone but you still have to pay him right no i think i think you like forfeit it when it's like uh tommy said that at least i don't know so because it's his second pop so he's gone for the season i don't think i don't know if it's like what like a

character clause type deal maybe something like that but if he didn't get if he didn't lose it of his last one was last one two years ago three I'm not even sure. I feel like that one. Can you look this up? Just what happens to your contract when you get hit for Stonehenge, Nick? But either way, I can't imagine. This is like, you know, this is almost like a breakups happened.

And then it's like, you're going to get back together with him. I could see Steve Cohen being like, I know we have two more years, but like, you're just gone now. Or like, yeah, you're still on the team, but like, you're not going to be our starting second baseman anymore.

I can't imagine. If I had big money and I came on the team, but like, you're not going to be our starting second baseman anymore. I can't imagine if I had big money and I came in, I'd be like, I'm not going to like old owners were like, we have to play the money because you know, fuck that. Goodbye. Go get Javi Baez, bring him in, like whatever.

But something, you know, it is scary is the expectations are so high. Steve Cohen came in and said three to five years, like, which is bold, but it is kind of like, that's what the Sox did. That's what the Cubs did. Maybe not came in and said three to five years, which is bold. But it is kind of like that's what the Sox did.

That's what the Cubs did. Maybe not the Cubs. A few more years. But like. Cubs were around there, right? Dodgers were. I think so. The Dodgers took longer.

The Dodgers took longer, but they were there right away. Right. They were in the playoffs every year right away. So he put the pressure on himself. But what scares me is there's like this Theo Epstein thing where it's like the fans are like, go get Theo Epstein. You know, I don't think Theo wants to do it. I don't think he does. I don't think it's Mets.

I don't think Theo is interested in baseball anymore. Well, yes, I could see that. Anything about the money, Nick? Yeah, it looks like. Right. But like the future of the contract is what we're concerned about. Yeah, no, but even. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think you'll come back to about. Yeah, no, but even – yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean I think you'll come back to it. Yeah, like next year and the year after that he'll get his money. But for this year, 24 not counting against your cap and all that shit, the luxury tax. I think Theo Epstein is a lunatic. I think he does want a year off. But I think Steve Cohen will. He had the quote where he was like baseball is ruined. He's like I don't even like baseball anymore. He's like it's my fault. Because had the quote where he was like, baseball is ruined. He's like, I don't even like baseball anymore. He's like, it's my fault.

Because of the way he does things? Yeah. He's like, it's not my fault, but he's like, I played a significant role in it. And he's like, it seemed like, I forget, there was that Nationals player who was like, I don't like baseball. Yeah, Anthony Rendon. Yeah, oh, it was Rendon? Oh, OK. There's a basketball player, too, I think in the draft tonight, Anthony Brewer, I think it's his name, something like that. And he was like, I love football, but the first time I dunked a basketball, I was like, well, I'm good at this.

And I hung up the cleats. And I thought that was pretty – and he said that. He's like, I don't love basketball, but I'm good at it. And I think there's something very realistic about that, especially in sports where I bet you if people were more honest with themselves. Like when you are a – if you're a superstar, you probably love it. If you're really good, I don't think you love it. I think you're like, I'm like almost owe it to myself and my family to like pursue this. Right.

But it's not fun. You know, it's like a job when you're 16. You know, Chris Herod's story is right. He's like, yeah, it's like I was really good at basketball. So I had to do it. People like you should play basketball. Right. I don't really care about this game.

Right. But although he does, like he likes coaching it, but he didn't like, he didn't care about playing. I think that's different. You know, his whole story by the time he became a coach is probably very, his outlook's very different after everything he went through. But I could just see it being like, you know, yeah, if you ask a 15-year-old what he wants to do,

it's I don't play video games, jerk off, run my bike. Like, I don't want to like run suicides all night. Yeah, you can grow to resent it pretty quickly, I imagine. But then I also think that, you know, I personally, like the happiness and like confidence I would get out of being awesome also think that you know i personally like the happiness and like confidence i would get out of being awesome at something you know like if you told me like right now if i was like the same person i am but you told me i would be i could be uh an awesome fucking playing at an instrument or something like that i'd probably do it just to be like i'm

the best yeah you know i was trying i was trying to, I mean, like. Also, instruments are easy. Well, yeah. Because no one even fucking. What if I. Most people just, most people don't know what good basketball is. Most people don't know what a good guitar player is. What if I said you could be a amazing, like, gold medalist swimmer?

I was going to say gymnast. I don't think I would do gymnast. That life kind of sucks. Yeah. But like, all right. What about gymnast? What if I said you could be a gold medal gymnast? Probably not interested. Probably not. But what about about so girls are usually better with the gymnast shit

like a girl i think would be like yeah you'll be a superstar you'll be a gold medal swimmer you'll be like a michael phelps or maybe not michael phelps because he's like the best but like you'll be ian he locked he yeah like where it's like i don't i didn't grow up watching swimming i don't love this game it's not cool like football basketball, like, they're telling me that my body and my skills, like, you can win a gold medal. Would you do it and be like, I'm just awesome at something? I don't think so. Yeah?

I don't think swimming does it for me. I don't think it moves me. It definitely doesn't do it for me. Right. Swimming. But, like, gold medal and, like. I don't know. All right, what about if I could tell you you're Michael Phelps?

What if I gave you that level of success? But you have to, like, train. It would be hard to turn down Phelps. But even that, like, what about if I could tell you you're Michael Phelps? What if I gave you that level of success, but you have to train? It would be hard to turn down Phelps. But even that, I think it was with Anderson Cooper, where he did an interview once. And I think it was after Rio, maybe. I don't remember where the Summer Olympics were. And he was like, I don't think Michael Phelps likes swimming. No.

He was like, Anderson Cooper and him were jumping in the pool. And he was like, this is my first time. It was a in the pool. And he was like, this is my first time. It was like a year after the Olympics. He's like, this is my first time swimming in a pool. Well, one of, sincerely, one of the most ridiculous moments in like human history was the apology tour he had to go on for smoking weed. For smoking fucking weed. It's weird how like much society has like, how much change has happened just in our life. Quickly.

Quickly with weed. Very fast. Yeah. I mean, like, there's so much stuff. But, like, weed was one where that was. That was a drug. That was very good. That was, you know.

I started when, like, in school, it was, like, stay off the dope. Say nope to dope. Stay off weed. It's a gateway drug. And you're going to, like, do heroin and die if you start smoking weed now. Right. Imagine if they were just teaching, like, yeah, smoke some weed, stay away from opiates, stay away from heroin, the true epidemic, and it would be like –

Yeah, they made weed sound a lot cooler than it is. Yeah. I was like, I got to try this stuff. Right. The gateway. Let's go. I want to go through the gate. I just did it and fell asleep.

Yeah, that was nuts. And I could see Phelps was like a normal cat. It was like, I want to rip the bong and, like, party and fuck chicks and stuff. And instead I've got to, like, swim 35,000. Even, remember how much he used to eat? Yeah. Like, even that I'd be like, I'm eating, like, my 18th egg and my 30th bowl of pasta. Fuck this.

So, I mean, I said that. Those meals were insane. They're not fun to eat. They're like 5,000 calorie meals. It's like gorging yourself every time you sit down. I said that I would do one of those things just to be like

greatness and be like the confidence that comes with that. But as I think of it, it has to be the money, really. Like Michael Phelps, is he like big, big money? I would guess he's got a lot of endorsements and stuff. I don't think the third swimmer on that team has any money. No, yeah, yeah.

You've got to be like the top of the top. But, yeah, I think that a lot of people. $80 million. $80 million? Yeah. That's big money. But he earned it. You know what I mean?

Like that's a guy who fucking earned it. See a baseball player who's worth like $200 million? Like, eh, you know, a swimmer, you got to be, like, in perfect condition, and it's stressful, and, like, I feel like the Olympics is weird. Coaches and trainers and shit in the Olympics. They'll fuck you, and they'll, like, drag you to the ground. Yeah, because they start, anyone who does anything with kids is weird. So true.

And they start that so young. So true. Like, you, there's really, you can be just a genuinely good person who truly wants to help children live a better life. Not if you're a pedophile. And you're a fucking creep. You're a deadler. You're a deadler. You're a deadler.

We had a baseball coach when I was in Little League. Didn't have kids. They just coached us. Weird. Rapist. Real weird. Him and the wife. Oh, that's like, they were kidnappers.

That's what they are. One man is like, you know, you're a deadler. A man or a woman is like, we can't have our own children, so we're going to, like, scout out this team. We're going to kidnap one. They were bad. They were so bad. Do you think he'd be a good coach? No, fuck no. I was trying to think.

I've watched baseball my whole life. I even played it at a young level where it's like, but I don't think I can remember the drills and what we did. If I told you right now, go coach a practice. You don't have to go win a championship or whatever. But would you remember and know how to do it?

Baseball practice is pretty easy. You're just going to hit your fungos. Hockey, basketball too. It's like, all right, do the weave to warm up and then we'll run through some plays and then we'll do the mic and drill. I don't fucking remember this. I have such low self-confidence that i could never be a teacher or a coach because i'm just like well if i can do it you should be able to do it i i had this thought

the other day about jenga because i was watching people play jenga and we've had i think jenga has actually been so great for this office that many people have had like awesome moments and have won and or whatever and it's kind of in this harmless, funny parlor game, but also it was like a competition or whatever. And I was I had the like horrible realization of how like little self-confidence I have to do anything, to do anything where it was like even with Jenga. I was apprehensive. I was like, well, what if I'm bad at Jenga? What if I like stink at Jenga on camera? Who fucking cares, man? Like when I was young young i used to be like yeah all right like it's bad it's

time for basketball tryouts like i'm gonna fucking make the team if that if something like that happened now i'd be like oh i'll just sit this out oh yeah i'm not gonna try out for something i could never put myself out there like that no fucking way that's so sad that's that's a horrible lack of self-confidence yeah and i think we very much have reached that point yeah big time we embody that one no fucking doubt uh all right coming in hot we got a lot to talk about here today it's brought to you by trojan tantrics changing the game of masturbating it's the year 2020 which means we're getting progressive we're changing the norms we're breaking down barriers. We got Harry Styles wearing dresses.

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uh okay let's we got a few things to run through first off with you sounds like you're gonna get beat up by vladimir putin you little bitch boy you little bitch i know berg's gonna get his shit run by vladimir putin because the internet says so it's one of the most insane things i will say this day it really like the response really it really bothers you i can tell john john texted me i can't believe we're gonna have to talk about this but people think i can't beat up vlad Vladimir Putin. It's one of my favorite text messages ever. And I can even see the way you sat up and your head moves. You're mad.

Yeah, it's fucking insane. Okay, but I will say this. I didn't know that he himself, I know he's like 70 now and he's a little midget, but I didn't know he was also KGB back in the day. Oh, I didn't know he was KGB. I mean, that does change things a little bit for me. It's like he's killed before and- With a gun? Maybe. I could see. You know what a little bit for me. It's like he's killed before and – With a gun?

Maybe. I could see – you know what those guys do? They all – 5'7". They all – 165. What if he fights 156? Both those numbers are obviously high, too.

That guy has strangled people to death with, like, the piano wire and the sticks before. Sure. Fine. I'm just saying that's different than shooting people. You've got to have, like, death in your hands to do that. I think also when I now know that you're KGB, I think I have like a hernia, I think, from like laughing and shit. That is bad. Talk about like I can't make the team anymore. I can't even like do a podcast without getting a hernia.

So, yeah, Vladimir could definitely beat me up and kill me. I think that once you're an ex-operative, he goes from being a 70 year old frail man to having old man strength i don't think so like when your dad's 70 he'll he'd still kill motherfuckers i guess so and your dad's not like tall he's brolic but he's not like six three no but he's like i mean he's significantly taller than booting yeah yeah yeah he's probably got like five inches on Putin. But it does change things a little. I always thought that he was like the politician, the KGB's

around him. I didn't know that he himself was a KGB guy. But I also think the thing is here, that people don't know that you can knock motherfuckers out. I think people like... I don't think they hear it maybe here and there on a podcast.

I don't think they get it. Like Feinberg – and you get – you don't want to talk about it, so you always – you don't ever like embellish on it. But it's like Feinberg has one-punched a bunch of motherfuckers before, and they're like bigger than 5'6", 165. So I think if you catch – 70 years old! 70! If you were to punch – like you have knocked guys out who are your age, like spry

young men. I think if you were to punch a 70 year old. I think I'm going to fucking double down on this. I think I don't think I even have to punch Putin. I think I would pick Putin up and slam him to the ground and he would be unconscious. Yeah. I would pick him up and just

be like, here, watch this. Boom! Next! It wouldn't be hard! It would be so easy! You have made your own bet in this because of everything we just said a minute ago. It's like, no one on this show no one in the last ten years has ever

heard you be like, I will fucking run your shit. So now, you're like, yeah, no, I can So the one time i said you should believe me i'm really confident this time i have just said i'd be scared to try for high school sports i'll still kill a kgb motherfucker though it's what's so sad to me is that i'm not confident that i'm like yeah putin putin would run through me and then and then feidelberg will kill him that's the bigger story to me but yeah like like I'm pretty sure John could beat up a 70-year-old man no matter what his background is. A small 70-year-old man.

A 70-year-old midget. Yeah, I could take him. It is crazy that it is like not well-received. People are like, oh, I don't know about that. I have never said I'm good at anything. I'm sure I can do this one. Also, the people talking that he's a black belt. It's like, yeah, the same way that Kim Jong-un hits hole-in-ones every time he golfs. Yeah, he's a karate master.

No, he's fucking not, guys. Putin's also the MVP of an all-star game. Right. No, he's not. Those are fucking lies from a dictatorship, you assholes. Totalitarian bullshit. But, boy, that is so funny that the internet thinks that you would get beat up by an old midget. I would argue not even.

I think midgets are stronger than people who are just small. Yeah, I think so, too. You're right. Like, Zod's big. I'd rather Zod come to my aid than a guy who's 5'6", 165. Right. You know? Zod fucks some shit up.

Yeah, like Zod over Vibs, you know? Yeah. Like all day, every day. But no, the internet has spoken. You're going to get beat up. People were more upset about that take than they were about The Mandalorian. Well, I went in on the – I went from like, The Mandalorian's okay to being like, fuck The Mandalorian.

This show sucks. They're crazy. Jeff's crazy. Jeff's like, listen to my podcast. I'm like, no. I'm not doing that. For the Mandalorian fans to act like they don't present themselves as like diehard fans of the show is crazy. It is.

It's crazy. It is insane. I can understand that if I listen to your full account, we are in agreement that the show is like average basically. But don't tell me that me thinking that you are like a huge fan of it is far-fetched. Like, come on. Everything's holy shit. Wow. Oh, my God.

And that's just a fact. And yes, maybe there's a couple tweets in there that refute that. But the overall body of work, I said it would be like, well, if you read my blogs, like I do give the Jets credit. It's like, no, come on. Come on. We know your reputation here get the fuck out of here but um but yeah uh that yeah that got overshadowed by you know the fact that you would get beat up by an old man it's just just how it goes now maybe it's because um you uh the other reason the other topic i want to talk about here is we got to talk about

wearing dresses and maybe this is why people don't think that John could beat people up from the KGB. But my first thought was I got to give my boys opinion on Harry Styles in a dress. So Ken, manly men wearing dresses brought to you by Miller Lite. There's nothing more manly than drinking a beer, right? Wrong. There's nothing more manly or feminine or guy girl whatever than drinking a beer because there are certain things that everybody can do and that is drinking beers i do feel like it's inherently masculine i do feel like sometimes girls will drink beer right there's there's a

there's a there's a stigma to it but there shouldn't be because an ice cold beer it's the same thing as like when you realize that like a guy can drink wine it's like whatever all these drinks are awesome. Miller Lite is amazing. Drink whatever you want. And Miller Lite is the number one beer for great taste, less filling. I'll tell you what. If you're a girl and you're worried about it being too filling, it's 96 calories and 3.2 carbs for 12 ounces.

That's probably less than any other drinks you're going to have in the night. So you can have an ice cold refreshing beer, not worry about putting on any pounds, any calories, any weight, whatever. And, you know, there's something also about being able to just go to a beer, a bar and be like, get me a beer. You know, you know, it's like there's just not a lot of pressure and no pressure. You have to worry about it. And you don't have to be the person. Everyone's like, oh, this one ordered a fucking like Bloody Mary or this one ordered a fancy cocktail.

So, yeah, just get around the beers, get a bucket of beers, get a bucket of Miller Lights. Everyone's happy. You share some stories, You share some laughs. You give some info. You give some advice. It's all done over a beer. And so whether you're a guy or a girl, you know, when the girls get together, they should do a bucket of Miller Light too.

Because I think as we're learning from our boy Harry, there is no men, women, there's no nothing anymore. It's just everybody just do what you want, do what you like, and enjoy yourself. And there's no better way to do that than with miller light of course you got to enjoy yourself and celebrate responsibly with the miller brewing company from milwaukee wisconsin 96 calories 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces go to millerlight.com slash kfc to find the delivery options near you harry styles has the world up in fucking arms bud this is a big one it's insane

ben shapiro back in the mix, he called it a referendum on masculinity. I don't even know what that means. I don't even know what that means. The guy that's afraid of WAP? Right, I know. Right, the guy who couldn't say the word pussy. He couldn't say the word pussy. He said P-word.

He's throwing around who's manly now? He says that, uh, what is it? If you get your wife wet it's probably because she had some medical call the doctor yeah call the doctor because it's all right bro you fucking badass dude like yeah what's what's more manly like candace owens and ben and ben shapiro are like crying at night over the cover of vogue magazine you guys are really upset about what's on vogue magazine? Who's manly now? What the fuck is going on?

And I'll be honest, he looks great. Well, no, he doesn't. So here's the thing. Then on the other side of things, Logan Paul was like the hero of the moment. He was like, wear whatever the fuck you want. And there's another co-host, not Mike, but there's a third guy. I think his name is George, who he was arguing the other side of it. And he was ridiculous.

He was like, you're getting so mad at my opinion, you're assaulting me. And Logan was like, do you know the definition of assault? What are you talking about? Like we're just arguing over a debate here. So everybody – but everybody got all dramatic about it. And I said, I think – I went galaxy brain. I took it a step further. Like you think it's not manly to wear a dress.

I think it is manly to wear a dress. I think manly doesn't mean anything to me. As a beta boy, I don't think of it as a compliment. I don't think of it. I don't think of being not manly as an insult. I don't think of being manly as a compliment. I'm just like, that word means nothing to me. Yeah, I guess I can agree with you there.

It's like, we're putting so much emphasis and pressure on that word. If someone was like, you're a manly man, I'd be like, you're fucking weird. Right. What does that even mean? You know, like, yes, would I like to be strong? Would I like to be able to beat up Vladimir Putin? Yeah, sure. But if someone was ever like, out of all the things I would like to be described as,

manly is like the bottom of the list. Yeah, I think you, I want to be handsome. I want to be sexy. I want to be attractive. And I guess you can say that the general vibe of manly is like bottom of the list. Yeah, I want to be handsome. I want to be sexy. I want to be attractive. And I guess you can say that the general vibe of manly is that. But to be, if the first thing that comes to mind is manly, I'm like, I'm not a fucking lumberjack. That does nothing for me.

I'd rather be funny. I'd rather be smart. I'd rather be articulate. I'd rather be interesting. Like a million things before I'd be manly. So I think people only use manly as like ironic. Like, oh, yeah, you're a manly man. You're a real manly man. I don't feel manly as ironic. Like, oh yeah, he's a real manly man. I don't feel like anyone is like, ah, man, I look up to that guy.

Shapiro and Candace Owens think that it's the downfall of society. Right. Like, all of a sudden we're hunters and gatherers, and if we don't have manly men, we're going to be killed by the fucking nomads or something. It is very funny that still to this day, whenever something happens, people think it's the first time it's ever happened.

This is crazy, the dress thing. This is particularly crazy. The amount of guys who have been wearing dresses. Forever. Forever. Everyone who's ever lived in Scotland. Where are the real rock stars? You mean fucking David Bowie?

The Prince? I didn't know this one as I was doing research today. Kurt Cobain used to rock dresses. Really? Kurt Cobain rocked dresses in the 90s grunge era when he just said, they're comfortable. I don't think it's comfortable at all. I bet they're comfy as fuck. Definitely.

You know why Young Thug was wearing a dress? Oh, I forgot about that. He had a big gun underneath it. He was like, yeah, man, I had a stick underneath that. He meant like a fucking long gun that he was hiding under a dress. So what's more masculine than that? As I said today with Nick, Nick goes, what's more masculine than putting a shotgun in your mouth with Kurt Cobain?

I mean, these guys were some bad motherfuckers and they were like, yeah, we're wearing dresses. Kanye had a skirt on stage. Like all these guys, come on. He's talking about how he's the fall of the Western civilization, which obviously is absurd. But also, I feel like it was like the Greeks and Romans who kind of started Western civilization, right?

They loved dresses. Those guys were fucking each other in the ass. Which again, what's more male than putting your dick in someone's butt? You know, I get it. It's all fine to me. None of it makes any difference. But I did say, first of all, we're talking about an entertainer on the cover of a magazine. We're not talking about, like, he didn't, like, this is not like, you know,

Barry showing up to his job in the office in a cube. Harry does, like, he likes to dress effeminately. And always has. And always has. And I'm the motherfucker who wears blouses. Yeah. He has with the ruffles and the pearls. Looks unbelievable. No, he doesn't. Again. No, Harry pulls who wears blouses. Yeah. He has that with the ruffles and the pearls. Looks unbelievable.

No, he doesn't. Again. No, Harry pulls off the blouse. The dress, I will admit, these are big Victorian gowns. Yeah, and he's also- Well, he's in a blouse. He looks fucking fire. No, he does not.

Yes, he does, dude. No, he doesn't. Yeah, get him one in the blouse. Go up. Go up. That, like the collar with the pearl necklace. Come on. I mean, that looks like it's Halloween and he's dressing up like a teacher.

I think he looks great there. He's a handsome guy, but not because of the neck down. But again, we're talking about a super fancy entertainer. Oh, that one in the Met Gala when he wore like sheer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one. Harry Styles wore lingerie. It wasn't even like a dress.

It was full-blown lingerie like a see-through sheer i mean and again this guy fucks bitches okay so again what's more masculine than that i think he also like if you told me harry styles just like fucks everybody oh he's very like uh lenny kravitz where it's just like my dick goes where my dick i i think i i don't know if he's ever explicitly said that but i think it's pretty understood yeah he just goes just goes. I mean, look at that Photoshop. Ben Shapiro and Buck and Harry. I mean, at the end of the day, there is something. Again, I don't call it manly.

I don't think it's manly to wear what you want and not give a fuck. I think it's confident. I think it's just like being like a badass. I don't think of that as manly anymore. I think that's just like, but I keep saying but, but, but to get to my point if you can't admit that this is just like, you go like, whoa, this is weird. This is a little fucking weird.

Like we're still at that point. Maybe a hundred years from now we'll be like, oh, um, you know, that's totally normal. But right now it's not. So it's gotta give people pause. And we're definitely not at the point where like I said, average people. If Tommy Scabelli comes in tomorrow wearing a dress, no one's gonna to go like, oh, shit, that's dope, dude. Tommy Scabelli is getting fucking made fun of until he goes home crying.

So let's not pretend that like, you know, to me, it's like, well, then go do it. Wear a dress tomorrow. I gotta go buy one. Is that what's stopping you? All right. I will buy you the dress. If you buy me, I will buy you a dress and you have to wear it. All right. Okay. We'll do it then a dress. And you have to wear it. Alright.

Okay. We'll do it then. Okay. We'll put your money where your mouth is. I don't know what dress size I am, but I'll wear it. I was going to say I'm going to have to get a dress for a big bitch. I'm going to go to the plus size. Don't get me an ugly one, though.

I'm going to go to like Filene's basement or whatever and get like a size 32 or some shit. Yeah, I want to look sexy, though. Alright, I'm going to get you a sexy dress. I'm going to go to rent the runway motherfucker. You're going to come out in one of those bandage dresses. When are you getting this? What? When are you getting this? I mean, it's going to take, I don't know. We'll have

to soon. Okay. There's a shelf life on this. We'll make this happen by next week. Okay. I mean, I will understand I'm probably going to look ridiculous. Okay, but that's my point too. I just like, but you're going to come in and just be like, I'm rocking that. I'm probably going to look ridiculous. Okay, but that's my point, too. I just, like, but you're going to come in and just be like, I'm rocking that thing. You're going to walk around like no big deal.

I'm going to have you on the rundown that day. Like, Dave's going to comment on it. It's going to be a whole thing. And you're just going to be like, yeah, it's because Harry Styles has made it normal. I mean, we're not there yet. Well, no, I'm not making that argument at all. I completely agree. Okay, but so you admit that harry styles can pull it off

yeah i i'm sure i will not be able to pull off a dress i don't look like harry styles i might be a little chestier than him i might look he might fill the dress out uh i'm definitely envisioning like a halter top one like a tube top one so you have like cleavage to be exposed right oh without a doubt not a tube top though because i'd like my stomach yeah yeah yeah i just meant like whatever that's called. But like Harry Styles is a handsome guy, but he's not like Brad Pitt. He's handsome, but he is who he is because he's an entertainer. You're not like an ugly dude.

You're not far off from the look of Harry Styles. You're not. You're really not. In general, you got a schnoz. That's about it. I can fucking beat up him, but I can understand that where the confidence just saying confidence does have some level of brad pitt he's not i think look at that he's kind of a weird looking cat he's a little strange right like you are as attractive as him that's on a base level i won't know i won't accept this i will not accept that all right you don't have to accept it but i genuinely mean it he is who he is because yes he's a handsome guy but he is

he has the charisma and shit and the talent. And a butterfly tattoo. I mean, he looks ridiculous there. It is an absurd look. Yeah, Rihanna has that tattoo under her tits. Yeah, she does. They are one and the same. So, yeah, you're going to rock a dress.

Maybe I'll wear one tomorrow for International Men's Day. International Men's Day. What does that exactly entail? I don't know. I think we just finally need a day for us. Yeah, time that time that things go right for the men of the world but i kind of thought i invented it was sad to the boys but turns out it didn't get the official title on it's on a thursday that makes no fucking sense yeah i mean or i guess fridays would be for the men i think um as much as things have gone well for the men there are some things that we

don't we don't get we don't get you know uh well we've been saying forever that we need the the me too too the me too too moment where where the men kind of fight back against abusive women because there's a whole bunch of us who are who have been silenced right now by crazy broads and one day we're gonna speak out and be like she fucking hit me i think johnny depp had a shot johnny depp, I think, did a little bit too much in retaliation, where it's like, you're kind of complicit in this. But Johnny Depp had a shot. Johnny Depp, when he wrote a message in blood using his own finger.

Yeah, where no one's going to have sympathy for you. Can't really jump on board with it. I'm pretty sure they confirmed that he baseball crow-hopped and threw his phone at her. So I don't think anyone's going to have too much sympathy. But he had a shot to be our, who was it? Alyssa Milano, whoever really kicked off the Me Too one. Because Amber Heard was just a crazy, horrible bitch to him. But he was kind of an asshole in return.

Yeah. Also, I mean, he started a real rumor about her pooping the bed and just turned out it was just a dog. That wasn't true. Everyone just thought Amber Heard was fucking gargoyles shitting in bed. Doesn't that show how crazy she is? That people were like, could have been Amber. Yeah, it could have been. her whole camp was like maybe uh one of these days the me too too moment will start until that though you know we don't get that we we don't get any good gifts uh

tom segura and burt kreischer did an awesome segment on this the other day because tom got burt a e-bike for his birthday and he got like a custom seat that's like wider for bert to sit on and he got wider tires so that he can like and he souped up the engine and bert was like in tears being like this is the best gift i've ever gotten because like my wife and kids suck so much they never get me anything nice yeah that's true and like so there's things like that that are there are silly things yeah yeah we've been getting all the money of the world and all the respect of the world forever but there are little things that make you happy on a day-to-day basis that men don't get is you know get compliments we talked about you know remember the other day i said how uh that woman

said i had nice feet and you were like it's pathetic that you remember that today jared told a story his only story about compliments was from a homeless man as he walked by a homeless man said nice sleeve young man and because of his tattoos. And Jared thought he was talking about another homeless guy saying he's asleep. And Jared was like, okay, I won't mess with him. And he's like, really, dude? You're just going to keep walking? And Jared was like, what?

I'm sorry. What did you say? I didn't hear you. I said, nice sleeve. And he was like, oh, okay, thank you. But the point being that my only compliment that I could remember was a woman in a laundromat. And Jared only has a compliment from a homeless person. I don't think I have one I could remember was a woman in a laundromat. And Jared only has a compliment from a homeless person.

I don't think I have one I remember. You don't have a single compliment that you can remember. I don't think I have one. Because we don't get them. I don't think there's ever been someone who said something to me that you were like, oh, shit. Which is like, wow. Memorable. That was nice of you. And girls can't pick one out because they've got so fucking many.

Every time they step out, you look beautiful tonight. Your dress looks great. Your hair looks great. So, yeah. These are the things that maybe international men's day can uh provide i'm trying to think of one i got nothing i don't have a single thing and it is it's just like and it's our fault too it's like i should have complimented you at some point i haven't you know you you always you always like hype people up so uh we got to hype you up in return. For everybody, for International Men's Day, compliment Feidelberg on Twitter. I don't know if that's going to get me off the grid.

Yep, at Feidelberg. Just agree with me that I can beat up Putin is all I need. Okay, that too. Also, everybody, you know what that is too, though? That's going to be maybe a silent majority thing where I bet there's a lot of people going like, yeah, Feidelberg can beat up a 70-year-old, but they're not the type to tweet it. So for International Men's Day, if you think that Feidelberg can beat up a 70-year-old, but they're not the type to tweet it. So for International Men's Day, if you think that Fidelberg, if you think, don't lie, but if you think that Fidelberg

can beat up Putin, voice it to him. Because right now it's a landslide. It's a fucking landslide. It's a bloodbath. It's a bloodbath. As much of a bloodbath as it would be if you were to fight Vladimir Putin. M.I.D. Assault Thursday.

We got our voicemails coming up, and we got Kazzy David today. Kazzy David on the show who if you think that there's a severe amount of awkwardness and lack of self-confidence on this show as is just wait till you throw Kazzy David in the mix. That's like taking us and putting us on steroids. She's talking about her book

Nobody Wanted This and she fits right in with this show with a couple very funny stories and very relatable tales. Despite being, you know, Larry David's daughter and like kind of this like Hollywood royalty. She is as like down to earth and relatable as anybody can be. So do you think so? We'll have her on the show.

Our previous guest, Ryan Felipe. Can we talk about like, should we spoil it? Spoiler alert for anybody trying to watch Big Sky, which is Ryan Phillippe's new show on ABC. We drop a monster spoiler, and we didn't really give you a warning. So check the time code in the description of the episode to find out exactly when we start talking about it, if you've got any interest in seeing the twist in episode one. So our last big guest, just last episode, Ryan Phillippe, Phillippe, Phillippe. He did the Browns.

He did the media tour. He comes on our show. Everybody was writing about our interview with him. E People Daily Mail. Everybody's talking about it. He is like the face of the new show, Big Sky on ABC. The Bachelorette leads into it. Everybody's like, let's go watch this new show.

Ryan gets his fucking head blown off in episode one. There's like, I mean, you sent me that text. I think it was this morning. And I just can't believe it. Stunning. I just genuinely don't believe it. Unless there's a magical element where he's a ghost and he's still alive or there's flashbacks. If they just straight up hold the plug on it.

He's just like, yeah, we cast him and we just blew his head off episode one, which would kind of be a move. Shows don't do that. That's Red Wedding type shit, where it's like, that's Ned Stark type shit, where it's like, all right, we've got ourselves a hero. Pow! No, you don't. But I'd have to imagine, he tweeted afterwards saying, like, what really is even dead, which leads me to believe there's something more.

There's something to it. There has to be. There's no way that they could just kill ryan philippe philippe that would be very funny if they were like all right here's we're gonna cut you a check it's like one game check but you're gonna promote the fuck out of it for us you're gonna be the face of it we'll pay you for that as well and then you're gone then you go home that'd be a great gig i think i'd love to do that just one episode you know when people say, like, you know, the acting is what I do for fun and the promo is where I get my paycheck? Right, right.

He's the opposite. He'd be like, all right, I'll do all the promo. I don't want to do any of the acting. You can kill me off in the first fucking episode. I went to IMDB, but they credit everybody with just one episode, so you can't tell anything. So I don't know where it's going,

but he tweeted right before it like uh i don't know he replied to me i put up a story and he wrote like he put it on his story saying like buckle up for like a twist and i was like yeah you fucking think so man like not even a hint of that not even like yo make sure you tune in for the last three minutes of the show sort of thing like couldn't have given us a heads up couldn't't have thrown us a bone? I don't know. What's going on, man? We've rolled the fuck out of this and you're dead! He also said that picture of him that we

used in the show. Horrid was the word. A horrid picture of me. Horrid. It was him at the red carpet at Elton John's birthday. I mean, Ryan. Horrid. I would love to look like that. That's the worst you've ever... That would be the best I've ever looked by far. By fucking far.

I'll be honest, picking that, there was a better photo of him, but it was like $15. I'm not paying for that. Sorry, bro. Sorry, Ryan. That one was five. Yeah, that's what's happening. All right, let's get into Am I the Asshole? Am I the Asshole brought to you by Thursday Boots.

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We did the brown boots with the two tones. I think this is the year I finally pulled the trigger on a pair of combat boots. Ooh, like the high ones? That's the ones I kept trying to make. We already have these ones. I was like, yeah, but I want them. And I want them to be the barstool boots. And you're going to do the full, do you lace them up all the way?

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Go get them. Am I the asshole today? Let's get into it. What do we got here? Oh, boy. Am I the asshole, or is my former neighbor the asshole asshole for how he handled getting peed on by me? This all happened about 10 years ago when I was a freshman in college. For no explicable reason, I sleepwalked.

I've always wondered that. Is it sleepwalked? Is it sleptwalked? Is it sleptwalked? I think it's sleepwalked. Yeah, I think so's sleepwalked. Yeah, I think so too. Sleepwalked out of my dorm room into the hall, into the room across the hall, and pissed onto my neighbor's box fan. He was woken up by a steady mist of what immediately began screaming,

oh, what the fuck, as one would do. In my sleepwalking state, all I remembered was shaking my dick and saying, I'm almost finished. I then went back to bed. All of the RAs and parties involved assumed I was hammered. I wasn't. So they didn't try to wake me up to clean. Upon waking up with the feeling that I might have pissed on someone in my sleep, I immediately apologized and cleaned the guy's fan. I offered to buy him a new one if it didn't work.

I thought this was the end of it until he busted in my room about a month later saying I owed him a fan because his was all pissy now. Quote, all pissy now. I told him that I used modern fucking cleaning products and unless it didn't work, he could fuck off or make the RAs do something about it. He fucked off or so I thought.

About three years later, he was on a school trip with one of my roommates. All proud of himself, he asked my roommate if he remembered when I pissed on him and if my roommate recalled the Christmas party we had thrown the previous year. My roommate responded yes to both. He smugly told my roommate that at that party, he had gone into my bathroom and rubbed my toothbrush all over the toilet bowl. My roommate asked him how he knew it was my toothbrush, and he just said, I don't know, but it was one of the electric ones in the downstairs bathroom.

My bathroom was upstairs, and the guy he was talking about, the only one that had the electric toothbrush, was in the downstairs bathroom. This ass clown just blown into the guy's toothbrush and used it as a toilet brush. Also, this guy wears Diesel brand polos, so fuck him. Am I the asshole? Is he the asshole? Uh, what do you

got here? That's a wild tale. That one... I think everyone's the asshole. Everyone's the asshole. Dude, why? Box fans cost like $20. They're like $5. They are pieces of shit. You just get them a new box fan.

If I pissed all over your box fans, I would also rather that than clean it. Yeah. I'd be like, we'll throw this out. I will have you a new box fan by tomorrow or later today, and then we're good. I don't think that you can go vigilante justice like this. But you know what also is funny is like they they didn't wake him up like if i do something in my sleep and i don't realize it like i don't think i would get mad at him for doing it i think it'd be like i've been what your freshman year college yeah shit happens this happened to

everybody right if you don't get pissed on your freshman year you didn't even have when he said like neighbor i was picturing like so did neighbor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It drastically changes. You were in a freshman college dorm and some pee happened. Right. Happens a lot. Literally woke him to college. I mean, everybody has a story of their roommate. Like, my roommate in the converted triple just pissed into all of our shoes thinking he was in the bathroom.

And I remember seeing it. I was like, bro, what the fuck? And he was like, what's wrong? And I was like, you're not in the bathroom. But I was like, what's wrong and i was like you're not in the bathroom but i was like i went back to sleep yeah we'll deal with that in the morning because a drunk kid thought he was in the bathroom in front of a toilet when he was in front of my shoes and that's just what happens um so like but you're still the asshole if you pee on anyone at any time you're an asshole you're you're an ass so you have to make it right but then this guy being like the fucking joker

like three years later a dish best served cold revenge. I almost respect it a little bit. Well, yeah, that is cooler than, you know, to walk in like fucking Cartman, like when he fed that kid his parents in the chili and be like, hey, remember that party? Remember that night? But you got to get it right. Yeah. Because otherwise now some guys just got to wait three years for nothing. I also think I've heard a story of I heard a story once when I was a kid.

There was a robbery in my town. And apparently, also, the robbers, like, Sticky Bandit style, had a calling card. And they stuck the toothbrushes up their asses and took pictures of it. And then sent them to, like, the house at a later date. Like, bristles up? Yes. Bristles up your ass. So, I was like, who's I was like who's pranking who

here? You guys are fucking yourselves in the butt with a toothbrush like you really got me but it did like they you know so these people you know I guess weeks later opened up like Polaroids and they're like oh my god I've been brushing with that like ass brush forever. Oh my god. But which is disgusting

but also it's one of those things unless it's's covered in shit. I mean, I don't know. That toothbrush is... You have one bad brush with that. And the toothbrush is... You have toothpaste in it. You're washing it under this...

You know what I mean? My point being that it's like, all right, yeah, you got me, but not really. I don't know. It's like... I mean, you got me. I'm going to definitively say, if you shove my toothbrush up your ass and I use it, you got me. Well, no, but I think that it's like we're even because you had to stick toothbrushes up your ass. This guy just wiping it in the toilet bowl.

It's like, yeah, you're an asshole. But I think after one brush, that no longer has like toilet germs on it. You're probably right. That's why I always say when I take someone's toothbrush, I put it in my mouth just as quick as I can. Because now it's just I've swallowed it with my germs. Now it's fine. I've surrounded you and now it's just, I've swallowed it with my germs. Now it's fine, yeah. I've surrounded you, and now it's just all my germs, despite the fact that... And I also think that toothbrushes are kind of like

bars of soap. You put the toothpaste on it, right? The toothpaste is kind of like the soap. So in essence, me rubbing it around my mouth, I'm cleaning it with the soap. You're not wrong. I just really wish I didn't have to clean it. Yeah. From being up your ass. Correct. Did you ever hear the story, I think it's John Mulaney's got it, where he talks about how he had a friend who had a calling card of things he stole.

And they went to this big party, and this is, I think he grew up in Chicago, so this big party, and this blowout, and they ended up being like, they broke a pool table in half, and they just really fucked this place up. And the kid comes up to John the next day in school and he's like, hey man, look, like my parents are really mad at me about the party. They're actually not even mad about the damage.

They're mad that someone stole like old pictures of like my grandmother or whatever. And John was like, and five years later, however many years went by, where I'm playing video games or whatever at my friend's house, and he goes, hey, man, you want to see something? And he opens like a secret door he had.

Pulls a book. And it's just filled, like hanging on the wall, just filled with old pictures from different house parties he'd gone to. And he was like, what the fuck is wrong? Why would you steal old pictures? And this man better be in jail now. Because his response was, it's the one thing you can't replace. Oh, my God.

That is sociopath shit. Like, anything else you can replace except the old pictures of your fucking grandparents in, like, black and white. Right. Like, you can't get those back. That's dark. He's not wrong. It is an astute reference.

But that being your burning desire as to why to steal it. Oh, my fucking God. That's the one thing. We stole a plaque off a wall at a bar. It was a real scumbag move freshman year of college when you're peeing on people and doing dumb shit. We were at the Jolly Tinker, which was like a good old bar like a fucking irish bar on fucking webster avenue in the bronx like a place you don't fuck with and we decided to fuck with it and it was more like i just went along with it i had like a dumb roommate who was like let's do it i'm like all right

whatever so he's like you know like ripping it off the wall and we're kind of like running interference and then like we get it off the wall we got back to the door and we read it and it was like it was for something it was like a like the 10th anniversary of them like donating money to like a charity for children or something and i was like oh fuck man why did we do that and then we turned it into like an award that we handed out like whoever was like the drunkest kid of the month on our floor we get the drunk the drunk of the month plaque but i was like we just stole this like charity thing and they i'm pretty sure they knew that we did it and they did not like us i was like what the fuck are we doing man same thing as like stealing pictures of someone's grandma we're stealing the charity plaques for what we used to have honestly we're

pretty good award i think it's pretty cool yeah well it was fun but the drunkard of the month was very fun it was it was a fun award to win. But same thing with people. We used to have one block that kids would always steal the stop sign. And the town was very good. They would have a stop sign up. We wouldn't steal it, but kids would steal it at like 3 in the morning. By like 7 in the morning, there was a new stop sign up. Really? But like, because

it's like fucking chaos! If you just all of a sudden change up the traffic pattern that people are used to, you're gonna kill people! That's like when Frank Reynolds put up four times. Frank, if anything, you've made this intersection safer. All right. So everyone's the asshole on the peace story. Am I the asshole for not wanting to get rid of the anime body pillow that saved my marriage?

My husband and I are. I didn't expect to be the girl. Oh, yeah. Interesting. Well, it could be a guy, I guess, but I'm assuming it's a girl. My husband and I are best friends during the day. Love of my life. It's at night that it's an issue. I'm a blanket stealer. I once yanked them so hard, poor hubby flipped a

full 180. Hubby, for his part, is a thrasher. Bruce Lee would be jealous of the moves. Alright, I don't need the jokes. Ram my asshole, you asshole you know spare me the stand-up routine let's get to the goods uh we're both crabby every morning and we started fighting as soon as we got up it sucked but neither of us want to concede defeat and move to the other bed quick background as a as a uh i was a huge nerd as a teenager full-on otaku i don't even know what that one means. I'm assuming anime. One night as a joke, I brought down an old anime body pillow from the attic and plopped it down between my husband and I, declaring it our demilitarized zone. Hubby also thought it was hilarious.

We named her DMZ Chan. Oh, my God. This might be the nerdiest couple of all time. It was a game changer. DMZ Chan protected me from his REM-induced rampages, and she's just heavy enough that I can't yank the blankets at full speed. It's now a beloved part of our nightly routine. We both thought it was the funniest thing,

but she legitimately helped us solve the only real issue in our marriage. One day, mother-in-law stopped by to pick something up. She got up to use the restroom, passed by our bedroom door. She saw DMZ Chan propped up in the middle of our bed, her her giant soulful animal eyes looking right back at my mother-in-law when she got back she quickly grabbed her stuff and left she later mentioned dmz chan to my husband uh by the way every every single time this girl is saying hubby and i refuse to do it uh and they were on the phone it absolutely mortified him as far as i know mother-in-law now thinks we're deviants in a three-way relationship with a body pillow he was too embarrassed to

explain and now he wants to put it back in the attic i'm upset i told him i don't want to go back to boxing each other every night uh and so he said we'll get a normal plain body pillow to replace her and she's like nah, nah, man. This is our fucking anime pillow. So what do you got on this fucking nerd couple? Holy shit. This is so easy. Like, just get rid of the fucking body pillow. Like, you don't have

an actual... You were like, oh, this is cringy. This is weird. Like, you're saying it. Just get a normalized body pillow. You can just get a body pillow without... I think this is easy in the other direction. Why the fuck would your mother-in-law get to decide what's in your bed? Well, she doesn't. But once it was, that would be something where I'm like, oh, yeah, that is.

This is kind of weird. Let's just get a regular pillow. I guess. But if he's, I guess, I bet you the deeper issue here is does your, you know, why is your husband still so influenced by his mother and not your wishes? That sort of thing. Yeah, but is that like your wish? You just don't want to fight.

You don't have this emotional connection to DMZ Chan. She does. She doesn't. The mom does. I mean, the wife does. No, she doesn't. She said she doesn't want to get rid of it because it's the thing that saved her marriage. Yeah, but she said it's easy.

It's already something we have, right? It's like there's no need to spend money on something we already have. If it's really a big of an issue, we can put the... So it's like you're just being weirdly connected to this when you're not. Oh, all right. Well, I mean, I figured by the title that she was like, you know, this body pillow saved our marriage, but... She's like, I just have it. Same thing.

Like, both of these situations of the last two Am I the Asshole's could have been solved with $30 between the two of them. Right. Just get a new fucking pillow, get a new fucking fan. But I do think it's weird that, like, unless he was uncomfortable the whole time, and then when the mother-in-law spoke up, he was like, thank God somebody said it. This thing is so fucking weird.

But also, it seemed like they were just in there, they just had it for all night, right? No, no, I think it, like, saved, I mean, for that to have saved the marriage, I feel like they had it for a long time. It became a nightly routine. Okay, it became a nightly routine. But, like, I don't know.

I mean, yeah, listen. It is definitively weird. So the mom's probably like, that is weird. And you're like, ah, shit, you know what? You're right. That is pretty fucking weird to have, like, an anime body pillow. I guess the thing is, if it actually triggers that that like, yes, this is weird, and I thought it's weird the whole time, and now it's out in the open, and we can talk about it.

But if it's like, we love this thing, and my mother-in-law's got a problem with it, then I think you'd say fuck off. I agree with you there. But I don't think if they don't love it, and it's something we can just shut our mother-in-law up over it, then yeah. Keeping your in-laws quiet is like, you know. Also oh oh oh oh oh oh yeah this is the pic this is the pillow yeah i know what an anime body pillow looks like why why do you know that 30 rock james so that's okay so this is like a incredibly erotic sexual pillow yeah that's That's a totally different story. Oh, anime body pillows are like, yeah, like, fuck them.

I thought, you know, it's fucking like Dragon Ball Z or something. All of these are sexual? Yeah, no, it's like a regular thing. It's like anime body pillows. So people, yeah, these are like Asian nerds' fucking things. It's like you fall in love with them. Like, do you have, like, relationships with them? Oh, well, you gotta tell me these things, guys.

I need to understand these things before I go and tell my assholes. Yeah, no, it's a definitively weird thing. It might have been funny, like, one or two nights, but then you're like, yeah, this is really weird that we just have this. I thought it was just a pillow that, like, I don't know, had fucking, I don't know, Dragon Ball Z is the only thing I know. So, okay, yeah, if you've got, like, a sexual fetish pillow, and then – if that's your thing, you can't let like outsiders see that. Yeah. You've got to keep that hidden and you pull that out at night. It's like if you had fucking swings and straps and whips and shit,

that's all you. But when your mother-in-law sees that, now it's a problem. I think the Ben Shapiro of the East would have said – there was definitely a period where like – and this is why there's a whole 30 Rock episode based on it where like it was a problem in Japanese culture that the men were falling too in love with the pillows.

And it's like, they're not reproducing or something like that. Asians are just so wacky. It's James Franco who does it in the show, and he hires Jenna Maroney to be his fake girlfriend because he can't let the world know he's in love with Kimiko, his body pillow. It is absurd, but that was when i learned about body pillow culture and like it is it's a weird thing it is totally 100 so you can totally different once that's like if it was a blow-up

doll here in america right you had a sex doll in between you two in bed and like your your family saw that totally yeah you can't be like you're right this is again i can see it being funny one night and like ah this is hilarious and even like if you know that changes everything oh you just thought it was like there's just a pillow like super design i thought it was like oh you know there's a long pillow yes no they're they're pikachu or that's not anime but you know what i mean i was like i think pikachu is anime is it yeah okay okay uh is japanimation and anime the same thing is anime is it? yeah I think so is Japanimation and anime the same thing?

is anime a type of Japanimation? I do not know the answer I just think of anime as like and hentai is porn or no hentai is or is there hentai porn? is all hentai porn

or is some can hentai be porn? Zach? yeah Zach knows Zach knows. Zach knows. All right, let's go with this one, too. This is a little fucking Asian wacky with Tekken.

Am I the asshole for wearing a quote-unquote sexual hairstyle? Boyfriend 22 and myself, 21, female female have been going steady for a year now what 21 year old says going steady this is the 1950s i'm somewhat nerdy and like video games so recently he downloaded tekken 7 for us to play i'm not the biggest tekken fan but i was more than happy to have something to do with him there's this character in tekken called julia that my boyfriend thinks is hot he said i could easily cosplay as her which which surprised me because my boyfriend normally thinks cosplay is silly i was flattered and thought that my boyfriend thinks is hot. He said I could easily cosplay as her, which surprised me because my boyfriend normally thinks cosplay is silly. I was flattered and thought maybe my boyfriend was implying

something a little kinky, so I decided to surprise him with a Julia cosplay. Sounds good to me. A week of planning, thrifting, and sewing went by and the outfit was complete. The day before I started to work on the hair, I have long curly brown hair, so I cut it a bit shorter, straightened it, and then braided it to match Julia's hair.

Mid-length braided pigtails. The next morning, I woke up and practiced the braids again, so I went to my Zoom class. I didn't really change my hair up, so I received some compliments from my classmates about how they liked my new hairstyle. After class, I went to the store. Later, I got dressed in the cosplay, made sure my hair was nice, put on the hoodie, some sweats to cover it. I pulled my hood up to hide the hair, and then I got a ride to my boyfriend's i texted him i had a surprise he opened the door and i asked what the surprise was i told him i give him a hint and pulled down my hoodie his face went red and asked why my i had my hair like that before i could tell him it was for

cosplay he started yelling and asked if i had worn my hair like that all day he began fuming when i told him yes he yelled at me and said that my hairstyle was quote inappropriate and that wearing it to my zoom class had basically been an invitation for men to stare at me because quote pigtails are too sexual to wear at school he got angrier when i slipped up and said i wore them to the store i tried to explain to him that it was for the julia cosplay i wanted to surprise him but he wasn't having it he said that i was a whore for wearing my hair in such a way. I mean, I'm not even going to read the rest of this.

This guy's a fucking abusive lunatic. Yeah, right? This one's not like, Am I the Asshole is usually a little bit playful. No, this is just like, downright, you're in a bad relationship. Like, get out, because this guy will kill you.

You're going to end up on Investigated Discovery Channel. He's a piece of shit. Yeah, this guy will, he is the type, You're a fucking whore because of your haircut? This man is either

a current serial killer or will be one. He will kill, and he will kill more than once. I think, yeah, it will always be his wife, too. Because whoever he kills, he'll feel like his masculinity was questioned because she wore a nice hairstyle. You're just a deranged, sick person. I was going to see the comments on that one. she wore a nice hairstyle you're just a deranged sick person phone dies I was going to see the comments on that one but I mean

I can't imagine anybody had that guy's back at all yep and that's the type of guy who you know that's probably what Ben Shapiro would do honestly the entire time I was picturing Ben Shapiro you're wearing pigtails I'll chop your fucking head off no one will You're wearing pigtails? I'll chop your fucking head off.

No one will ever see these pigtails again. And by the way, pigtails, while I understand have somewhat of a sexual connotation, I also think is kind of like not like the most of innocent, you know? I mean, I guess that's kind of the thing is usually. It's the innocence that you're exploiting usually if you're doing like 18 year old porn, it's like always in pigtails. So you're talking about like little girls,

but you know, when I see pigtails, I'm not like, Oh, I'm a fuck. I also like having now seen the hairstyle, I wouldn't even call it sexy. That's what I'm saying.

I wouldn't look at that and be like, my dick's hard. Right. That's like a messy hairstyle. Yeah. And that, that is, that's one of the darker and most assholes ever. That guy is a, like we should, that's pre-crime.

If he hasn't committed real crime yet, pre-crime. Lock him up. He's the most insecure and insignificant person in your life. Dump him, for sure. You are. You know what? He ain't manly. He's only, he's already done so much damage that you fucking have to be like, wait, am

I in the wrong here on this one? That's crazy. You got to run for the hills before it gets worse. It's already bad enough. Voicemails. They're brought to you by Screwball. Oh, fuck. I wish my phone didn't die.

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Voice mails. Let's go. What's up, KFC? Fight. Whoever's producing, much appreciated. I got a quick question for you guys. So I don't know if I classify myself as a stoner. I mean, I'm high right now,

but that's how I'm calling. But I smoke on a regular basis, and I started talking to a police officer, and I mean, where I live, weed isn't legal for a red state.

But my question is, do weed is illegal for a red state. But my question is, do I, if I continue this relationship and it leads to a relationship, do I either, do I need to tell her I smoke weed or do I need to stop or... Am I the stoner? I didn't even know we were talking about a relationship.

I didn't know either. He said I was talking to an officer. I just figured he was talking to a person. I don't know. He said officer though talking to an officer. I just figured he was talking to a person. I don't know. Let me. Let's dating. He said officer though, right? Yeah. So is he dating the officer?

Yeah. Oh, like he's talking to her. Right. Okay. I just thought it's weird to call. Like I just, maybe this is a misogynistic of me. I heard officer. I'm not thinking girl.

Agreed. Right. Okay. So, so he's, he, okay. So he's like dating, talking to a female cop and he's a stoner in a state where it's not legal i'm pretty sure cops like do drugs and parties right like like it's just when they're on the clock i don't know if you can like i mean i would i don't know my uh i when my ex-in-laws like side of things, there was a guy who was a DEA agent, and it was kind of

like he didn't like when there was underage drinking. But I don't think he was going to arrest anybody. Yeah. That was also like family and kids with an uncle versus dating situation. Dude, dating? Are you fucking kidding me? We just talked about this. It's 2020.

Weed is not illegal anymore. Okay, but let's forget about weed. What if this guy likes to do coke and he is dating a cop? I'd probably hide coke. Yeah, probably, right? Yeah. But I don't know. Cops probably do coke.

Cops definitely do coke. Cops are bad people a lot of times, as we've come to learn, where it's like they're not like these squeaky clean, like we follow the law that we uphold. It's like I got a job to do. But if I'm hanging out with my friends and they want to like do coke, I'm not, you know. But I could also see a situation where it's like if anything happens and I'm here, I lose my job. So can you guys like not do that in front of me?

And that might extend to your relationship. I'd let you bring it up. I wouldn't be like fucking throwing down a bag tonight. But would you bring it up? Would you be like, hey throwing down a bag tonight. But would you bring it up? Would you be like, hey, this is cool. I'm enjoying – the sex is great. We're having a fun time. But I want to let you know I got a drug habit.

Just so you know, I like to break the law and do drugs. I'd probably say it. I probably would because it's like, look – I would be like off the record, plead the fifth, sir. I'd like to institute Article 9 of the Constitution. You can't hold this against me, but I got to tell you, I smoke rogues, Joe Rogan. I feel like you do have to maybe bring that up ahead of time.

I definitely wouldn't just surprise somebody with it. Imagine that if it was like, what's up, girl? Come on over. And then you lay it out and she's like, you're under fucking arrest. Yeah, I'd make sure I didn't have anything on me at the time right like in case she gets a little upset about this well it was a joke if i were to bring coke over to the apartment i like how this guy's talking about weed and we're like anyway hard drugs yeah you know we we gotta talk about something that's at least a felony right come on dude i would be like what if hypothetically you know someone's coming

over here and i'm going to buy something off him? That would be funny. Like, dude, never mind. Never mind. It's off. It's off. Turn around. Yeah.

Sorry. My girlfriend said I can't do drugs tonight. How about this? Could you date a cop? Could I date a cop? Probably not. Yeah. I was going to say, not many jobs, not many careers, employment paths would deter me.

I think it would just be an hours thing. Okay, forget about that. What if your hours matched up somehow? The idea of dating a cop who like, and let's say they were kind of like a stickler. No, I mean, not a stickler.

Alright, not a stickler who's like, she's not going to arrest you if you do coke, but she's going to be like, I don't do that because I enforce this. If you enforced the rules, you're not very fun. So me and you

are not going to get along very much. I'm with you on that. I don't think there's many jobs. What's the list of jobs that you couldn't... I could probably deal with... But then also, if you didn't enforce the rules, I'd probably lose respect'd probably lose respect yeah you're not good at your job what do you stand for baby lose lose for a cop either you're you're boring and you're good at your job or you're not good at your job and i don't respect that i think becoming a cop is insanity i think it's i guess like you know the people who really serve and protect and do it the right way i thank

you i think you're fucking crazy same thing with people who really serve and protect and do it the right way, I thank you. I think you're fucking crazy. Same thing with people who, like, enlist. Even more respect for you. Fighting for me and the freedoms, but you're fucking nuts. It's like, here. Here's your life path. You could just have a normal job and, like, make money and live and have friends and all that shit. Or you could go almost die all the time.

Yeah, there's people who have, like, a call to service. Sure. And, like, I really respect't really don't have that one but also i i feel like the more and more we learn about like like how fucking pissed would you be if you went to war for like the the war in iraq and then you find out that it was all you know there were no weapons of mass destruction it's like like the more i learned things about that where you learn the government's a bunch of scumbags yeah the military industrial complex all that shit it's like well then then my calling isn't even real so fuck this, I think it's all nuts

but the people who do it the right way you're the best the people who are just like, well, you know I get a good pension, so I'm just gonna go be a cop it's like, I don't know, why don't you go be a firefighter I'd rather be a firefighter than a cop I think you should too especially since I saw King of Staten Island

it seems fun it's like a frat house, hanging out with the boys every now and then something catches on fire you know hopefully nothing goes wrong uh but yeah what are there any other employments any other jobs that really would be like a non-starter for you with a girl like i'd rather i'd rather you be like a cam girl or like a sex worker than a cop or something like that i'd rather you be like yeah i'd rather you be a fucking hooker than a cop i would rather not a hooker but like i'd rather you be like i've i masturbate on like anonymously on the internet for money i'd be like all right blast off girl the uh i don't i i probably like a lawyer really i don't know i think a lawyer i think i'd just be

like you're a woman you're already too good at arguing you can't have both that's a great point i just i'll never win a fight that's a great point i'm like all right i mean fuck lawyers fine you got me again all right i hate to break it to you girls if you're a female lawyer you just plummeted to the bottom of my like you ain't sexy anymore you're too smart you're too smart you're too smart that's not like a male insecurity thing that's just a me like that's a i want to win an argument every now and then that's just me being a man and insecure right oh man by the way john's amazing infamous quote last last episode uh i got candy in my freezer and i can masturbate whenever i want or i can come wherever i want phoenix mar legend of the game, chimed in on Instagram saying, well, ain't that adulthood or something like that.

So the real ones know, but that's up there. That's not me being an insecure man. That's just me being a man who's insecure. Speaking of being a man and seeing this is now International Men's Day, I forgot to bring up the fact that I cannot participate in it because I did the most childish thing I've ever done in my life last night Whoa This is

You better bring the heat because you are a big dumb baby Like you've done a lot of childish things I drank so much soda I just threw up How much did you drink? A lot of soda Like a two liter bottle? I ordered a hundred dollars worth of dominoes For just you?

No me and my girlfriend But okay So just you? No, me and my girlfriend. Okay, so just you. She had two slices and a cheesy bread. I got her a pizza. I got my own pizza. How do you get to $100? I honestly have a screenshot of it. Let's get the order.

I can tell it to you. I did screenshot it. You've got to do... All right, let me try to figure out. A large pie for you? No, medium. Medium for her, medium for you. Yep.

You did a cheesy bread? No. Okay, you did a buffalo kickers. Yep. You did lava cakes. No. Did you do some sort of dessert? Yes. Did you do the cinnamon sticks? The cookie brownies. Cookie brownies, great. Okay, now where does the other $75

come from? I gave $10 to St. Jude. Sucker. And then $60 worth of soda? I gave a monster tip. I gave $10 to St. Jude. Sucker. And then $60 worth of soda? I gave a monster tip. I gave a $17 tip. Alright, so $27 comes off. We're down to $70. It was $76 total for the food,

$6.44 for the tax, $0.25 bottle deposit, $6 delivery charge, $18, $17.86 tip. $100 for Domino's? That might be the most childish thing yeah that's so incredibly reckless with your money there are people out there right now who are like living off ramen noodles trying to make ends meet who are like fuck this this is worse than like dave taking private jets anywhere feidelberg dropping a hundo on on fucking dominoes but it was like

what's the food how do you get to $70 with of food when it's just two pizzas and no cheesy bread? Okay. So a medium hand-tossed pizza, $12.49. A medium with a bunch of toppings, $19.99. Ten-piece boneless chicken, $12.24. Two red pepper packets, $0.20. One garlic dipping cup, $0.75. One marbled cookie brownie, $7.49.

One 20-ounce bottle of Sprite, $2.49. Two 20-ounce bottles of water, $4.49, one 20-ounce bottle of Sprite, $2.49, two 20-ounce bottles of water, $4.96, 20 ounces of Barstool, a bottle of Fanta Orange, $2.49, a two-liter of Coke, $3.49, a $10 St. Jude donation. So tell me you... By the way, that's not a lot of food for $70. That's crazy. So you drank...

You're telling me you drank a Sprite, a Fanta, and a two-liter bottle of soda? Yeah. You drank all of it? Yeah. And so when that comes back up, A, the bubbles is hurting, and B, the colors is wild. You're not a soda guy either. You are strictly a water dude. I only drink soda.

I don't know. Last night I was in the mood for soda. So you started with the orange soda. I started with the orange soda. Then you went to the Sprite. Yep. And then you were like, I'm still thirsty for more soda. You crack open the two liter bottle.

And I got halfway through that and I was like, oof boy, I'm going to puke. And I just kept drinking it. I mean, to me, I'm a soda addict. So when I have pizza, I'm definitely getting Domino's tonight. For sure. 100%. When I have a pizza, when I have a sandwich,

when I have one of those meals i need a soda but then when i'm done like i don't i don't think i'll ever i used to do this as a kid like just drink a soda you know like just so you were done with your food or you were steady eating and drinking no i was done with the food you were just putting down i probably had like three slices of pizza and you see just had soda in your belly? Yeah. I remember. I think I got a full. It was violent. Violent puking. Yeah.

It was like. That's when we call it spitting rainbows where it comes out of you. Like, you know, it looks like a fucking rainbow. It was like five like separate big pukes. That's just that's just ounces. You know, you had like 60. You had like 84 ounces in. I think 64 is in two liters liters so you had 220 ounces a 64 ouncer i mean that's a lot of ounces man yeah your belly was just like

there's no there was no more and i knew that halfway through it's like bubbling you know it's coming out of your chest i had half the coke left and i was like i'm not gonna be able to finish this about puking but we're gonna try what did what did uh wifey say she she was asleep and she'd fall asleep on the couch. She'd wake you up because you were like, bleh. I woke her up, and she said she started giggling because she thought it was the cutest thing ever. I just drank so much like a toddler.

You have to put a ring on it because she often would just laugh at all the dumb things you do. It's like, oh, John was just blacked out last night. It was so cute. John drank so much soda until he puked. It was amazing. John wastes all his money on dumb things. He's so adorable.

Honestly, there have been several times in my life coming, having come from the opposite marriage situation where I could do no right, where I'm like, does this guy ever get in trouble? Is he ever going to be in the doghouse? What's going on? He can drink as much soda as he wants.

That's all I ever wanted. Amazing. She's amazing. True love, man. True love. She's just like, yeah. I was not just dating a big dumb baby. That was so cute.

Like, listen to you puke because you drank too much soda. And like, realistically, that is pretty fucking cute. It's pretty cute. That's pretty adorable. It's pretty fucking funny, man. Goodness gracious. Last voicemail is brought to you by Revitalite,

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I don't know. Let me know. Well, okay. Wait a minute. That's different. Are we talking about like superhero strength? If I could be like a superhero, then maybe I would take that because you can do something. What's superhero?

Like obviously not superheroes. He said like Mr. Incredible. Mr. Incredible is who? The Incredibles. Oh. He's a literal superhero. Right. Okay.

You're thinking like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. Olympia. Oh. He's a literal superhero. Right. Okay. I was thinking like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. Olympia. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. Yeah. I'm talking about like superhuman strength. Well, no, that's off the window.

You're just a strong man competition winner. I mean, I cannot tell you how little strength matters in my life. I am pretty much a female at this point, and it does not affect me at all. At all. Other than, like, my pride and ego occasionally is like, God damn it, like, I don't think I can do a pull-up right now. But other than that, it's like... Definitely can't do a pull-up. Right, it's like, other than that, what is it?

Now, down the road, don't get me wrong, the overall just not being healthy will catch up with me, and I will be like a bag of bones who dies early. But the actual strength does nothing for me. Yeah, there's really no reason to be strong. We're not playing sports anymore. I want to look aesthetically pleasing, but I have no reason. Basically, you're asking me, do I want to be hot or strong?

It's like, I want to be hot. Yeah. I want people to look at me and be like, damn, that guy looks good. But myths are incredible. Yes, if I become a superhero, it's just what my body is. If I am superhuman and I can be like, I can lift cars and save the day, you're going to get rich off that.

But if it's just like I'm a bodybuilder and I can bench 300 pounds, who fucking cares? Yeah, but here's the deal too, though. If you could do that, you could make it cool. Especially in this line of work. To go back to what I was saying, it's like if you could do that, you could make it cool. Especially in this line of work. To go back to what I was saying, it's like, if you're really good at anything, you get the confidence from

it and you get the swagger where it's like, you know, I would like to walk into a bar and be like, I could beat anybody in an arm wrestling contest and shit like that. You can have some fun with it and make it cool. Even as a blogger, you could do a lot with it. So if you got to keep your job,

and it's just like, oh, I'll just bench. We could do a lot with it yeah so if you if you got to keep your job and it's just like oh like yeah we could do a video series of me like lifting crazy shit or fighting you know fucking fight putin or fight a bear or whatever but but in general once you're done with sports like your physical fitness means nothing other than your own personal like if you feel pride okay you want to be healthy it's all about vanity but all about all i've ever been about and and really i feel like as much as like the dad bod thing is really not that true in general society has kind of moved to a point of like you don't need to have muscles anymore you think so yes i don't think i think there are i think extremely few girls who are like i need need my guy to be ripped or strong. There are very few.

I think it's a bonus. I think it can be a plus. But I don't think societies – I think we still teach that to young kids. And then once you get older and you realize no one really gives a shit. Because I remember when I watched that documentary, Bigger, Faster, Stronger. It was just about the steroid industry. And it was showing us, showing you in the documentary about what the G.I. Joes looked like in the 1960s.

Yeah. And they were just like fucking regular ass dudes. And now they're like fake-shaped. Yeah, now they look like fucking Bane. And it's the same thing with what our action movies were. In the 80s, it was just fucking Bruce Willis. Right, just guys. I mean, Swayze was in good shape.

Did you see The Rock's post the other day about how he can't fit in the cars? No. Like, they're shooting, he's shooting a new movie. What's it called? It seemed cool. The premise seemed kind of cool. Is it Black Adam? No. Because I would have recognized that one. I think it's a

Netflix one coming out. Oh, yeah. I think Ryan Reynolds is in it. Yeah. I think so. And it was him like either getting in or getting out was a still shot of him getting in and out of like an aston martin like a real sports car and he was like just another like another day on set with his big dumb oaf talking about himself who like can't fit in cars anymore he's like let me show you how it goes and he had uh said dj for himself dwayne johnson and then like the director's initials and it was like a back and forth dialogue.

And it was like, alright, get in and we'll shoot the scene and we're good. And DJ's like, I don't know, guys. And he's like, yeah, whatever, just get in the car. And he's like, no, dude, I don't think I can fit in it. And then the director was like, are you fucking with me? And he's like, no, I can't fit in the car.

And they get a $275,000 car for the scene and it's like, The Rock can't fit in it. Can't fit in the car. They get a $275,000 car for the scene, and it's like, The Rock can't fit in it. He can't get in the car. And then they said he, like, the director was like, oh, fuck. What do we do now? And they had to have a brainstorm about how to get the shot,

even though the guy can't get into the car. That is crazy. That reminds me of one of my favorite all-time urban legends, whether it was true or not. But that was one we don't talk about as much. There's Ozzy. There's Lil' Kim. Mike Allstott couldn't wash the other side of his body.

I heard he couldn't wipe his ass or whatever. Yeah, maybe his ass. He was too muscle-bound to wash the right side of his body or left side of his body. I kind of believe, man. But yeah, these guys are now the size of a fucking mountain. The mountain. uh but yeah like i mean these guys are like now the size of a fucking mountain the mountain uh but i also don't think that it's like i mean maybe this is me it's like when i didn't achieve that i didn't feel like i was a failure or something no to me it really comes down to like what do girls

want to bang and i don't think that girls like need that you know yeah i think i've accepted that now to be like the pinnacle you have to have like abs and muscles and shit but to be like functional and like you know i we can get the job done enough being like i'm skinny fan it doesn't fuck apparently dude uh so i am making these recap videos kind of making fun of the bffs podcast with josh richards and dave so i guess um i don't know if they brought up that or if it was the rap battle. Dave was talking about the rap battle again and how he thinks he won that. I think Dave was probably trying to bring up the only cool thing he's ever done that these kids might relate to. But anyway, Dave was explaining his diss track to these kids.

And they were like, I don't get it. How could you be skinny and fat at the same time? What is skinny fat? I was like, I don't see it. Like, how could you be skinny and fat at the same time? Like, what is skinny fat? And I was like, let's get what skinny fat is. These kids are either there's, they're so in shape and so stupid. They don't understand the concept of skinny fat.

You guys can't even wrap your mind around my body type. That's a term. Like we, like I learned as like a young person, that's not like I didn't, I didn't make that up or something like so, but yeah, they're just like,

um, what do you mean? Like you don't have a six pack I didn't make that up or something. But yeah, they're just like, what do you mean? Like you don't have a six pack? It doesn't not compute for them. So for me, like, again, unless it's superhuman, I would like, I wouldn't even change. The reason I want to change my physical body at this point is for like, because I hurt all the time. But I have had, again, in the vanity department where it's like being desirable like i've never had a problem and i'm gross like girls what the fuck girls i mean i've had some sex with like attractive women how how why like i take my shirt off and not only are they like they're not even like all right i guess like we're too late.

I got to go through with this. They want to do it again. That's insane. I'm disgusting. It's horrible when the shirt comes off. And then they let me like lay on top of them. Heavens to Betsy. Have some self-respect, ladies.

Girls have to. I mean, that's the, well, you're funny. Yeah. Well, do you think that they are just so broken that they tolerate it? Like, okay, this kind of sucks, but then he makes me laugh later. Or is it like they're actually okay with it? I think they enjoy it. I think they're enjoying themselves.

Nuts. I hope so. I don't want to make it sound like I'm – they better be enjoying themselves. Christ, girls. I'll never figure you out. Speaking of, let's talk to one of the funniest and most interesting ones that we've ever had on the show here. Kazzy David has a new book out, and she's on today to talk about her and all her awkward glory with funny fucking stories about Obama and her father, Larry David, and just some of the wild interactions.

The Obama story is so fucking funny. She's worried that she's going to come off as like Prissy and like diva. And that I'm like, I think a total opposite. Yeah. I think it's like, yeah, you just happen to have a rich dad and you,

you handled it like a normal person would. I can't fucking believe this. I think it's gonna be your most relatable moment ever. Yeah. So it doesn't matter. So it doesn't matter. But she is a tremendously nervous person all the time and does not like doing the promo for this book so two things number one we promised her that this that her book and her whole style would

resonate with our audience which we truly genuinely mean i would say unfortunately like 90 of the time when you're doing our show it's like yeah you get your press but like you know it's just generic right this time this is like this audience fits perfectly for this book and we promised her it was going to be worth it so do us a favor and go buy her book it's very good it's very quick final book read it yeah like i mean i i'm reading it i don't have to read so if i'm reading it you know that it's enjoyable and and let her know that you're reading it because you're a part of the kfc radio audience and we thought that it would fit and resonate number Number two, she hates doing the promo in the press and she was so nervous. So if you are so inclined,

tell her that it was a great appearance and that you enjoyed it and that it was entertaining because as we just said earlier, we're doing the hype gang. We're hyping everybody up and trying to make people feel better about themselves. So do it for Kazzy and do it for us. The interview is brought to you by Guideline.

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you'll get a $100 gift card when you start a 401k plan with Guideline. That's Guideline.com slash KFC. So you get a 401k for your business. Tell them KFC Radio sent you and get that $100 gift card. Kazzy David, what up, girl? Hi, Kazzy. We can't hear you, but hi. Oh, hey.

Thanks. Can you talk? Yeah. There we go. That was a super awkward start. What's up, you talk? I can. There we go. That was a super awkward start. What's up, you guys? Thanks for having me. Thank you very much for joining us.

I feel like we're going to talk about being in awkward situations, and that was the most awkward I felt in a long time. So, hot start. No, I'm very nervous, actually, that my awkward tendencies in these interviews is bordering on Jennifer Lawrence with the clumsiness. I don't really realize why that happens now it's because these situations are so uncomfortable it's always kind of awkward and then with the computer and everything it makes it 10 times worse so there's nothing more awkward than just talking to strangers and trying to have think about how weird all this whole process is where it's like we do not know each other at all

but let's have a 30-minute conversation. That's kind of crazy. It's horrifying, yeah. No, I trust you guys, you know. I know I'm not like your normal guest. Like, I think you usually guys have like porn stars and shit on here. No! What?

Fuck! That's wrong! That is not our... Fuck! That's inaccurate. That is inaccurate. We've had like three porn stars. I'm probably the hardest hit of any guest who's ever had.

It's my assumption. We got to work on our image. Yeah. We need better PR. It's our top five YouTube videos. It's our top YouTube video. That gets the numbers. But we've had few porn stars.

We have – They're wonderful people, by the way. Most of our show is really comparable to your book i feel yeah where so we have a lot of guests a lot of time where like i'm like you're not gonna get anything out of this like we like whatever they're promoting i'm like you're not gonna get one single viewer but i think everyone who listens to this podcast and i've read a majority i didn't finish my goal was to finish the book i didn't finish it but i've read a majority of the book and i think anyone who listens to this podcast will very very much enjoy uh is it no one or nobody asked for

this i forget it's no one else for this i'd so much rather be the guest that gets like one viewer well i mean like in your intro like it's it's such a good like immediately it resonated with me where it's like you're not gonna like like me. This does not have a legal protagonist. I honestly, if he were to write a book, it would be your book. It's crazy. There were many times I was reading the book and I was like, fuck, she beat me. All right. And I was never going to have the courage to write it myself.

That's the biggest compliment when someone does something before you. I could have done it, but never mind. Cassie beat me. It's all good. I feel like she did a little better than you could, too oh without a doubt without a doubt no but it's like someone funnier and more interesting than me wrote a book i get it we do always preach like self-awareness too and i feel like you've got that in spades and i think there's nothing funnier more interesting intriguing entertaining all that then someone gassing me up seriously no but i really i think when someone can be that honest in a very like uh specific and like

accurate way it's like oh shit like yeah i think that resonates with people a lot especially this era with like a lot of anxiety and just feeling awkward and not knowing what to do or how to do it all that shit i feel like it's a ton of people can, can relate to that now. Thanks. Do you think we invented it or we just have the courage to admit it now? Like our generation and you're younger than us. So I don't know. I think because we're all such narcissists, it's probably like we pay so close attention to our emotions and ourselves

that people just maybe didn't as much back then. I feel like it's kind of a little bit of a luxury to be able to worry about it. You know, it's like, I know, you know, you start to worry about mental health and everything, but if you have like, if you're trying to like put food on the table and it's like, you know, you don't have the luxury to worry about what your therapist says or working on yourself, like you're not even thinking about that. Oh yeah, I know. Anx know anxiety in itself it's like a very privileged like right um yeah but it is also like in this time like you're like if you're normal you're mentally ill you know what i mean it's just so crazy sorry it feels unoriginal almost sometimes but i'm like yeah no like i

am severely depressed and anxious like yeah we know we fucking idiot but reading your book i was like someone can do it well someone can fucking nail it perfectly yeah no it's um yeah there's definitely something wrong with you if you're not feeling like totally crazy you had a bit in the book about how um like you feel like stand-up comics are sometimes phony because they get up there and they're talking about being anxious and nervous but obviously they're not if they're on stage and performing but i feel like you're kind of doing the same thing writing a book doing the tour i'm certainly a hypocrite i didn't really you know i didn't take all this into account when i was doing it but but I do, I do consider myself more of like a comedian with stage fright rather than a

writer at this point. But yeah, I mean, I, I guess I understand that. I still don't think I could ever do that. So maybe I'm still one step below that, but yeah, I don't, I don't know how they do it. Are you, are you happy? Is this, you know, am I happy? No, no, no. I didn't know how they do it. Are you, are you happy? Is this, um, you know, my happy? No,

no, no, I didn't. No, I'm not. Go ahead, girl. No, I was going to say like,

forget about the reasons why it's happening, but are you happy that you're able to do the, the press tour through the computer? Or would you have, would you be happier to be like going to these radio stations and making appearances on the podcast live are you happy that you're just like i can do it from my uh my bedroom and my sweats uh for something like with you guys i'd probably like to be in the studio i'd get to wear like those cool that cool you know we could have a better you know yeah but i think yeah there's no way i could do some of the things i'm doing

right now i like really lucked out almost like god did this to all of us just you're the one who ate the bad soup everyone has like everyone has a something that has happened to them that's like it has benefited from yeah except for all you know the death and except for the ones who are dead everybody Everybody can kind of be like, yeah, this was a good thing. Yeah. If you're having a great year, if you've like got a promotion and you like got married and this, that, and the other thing, put out a fucking super hit book and everything, you know, I've had a pretty good year. You had a good year.

There's a few people who like totally thrived during this time and they might not have, if it never happened, like totally thrived during this time and they might not have if it never happened like they might still not have careers and shit right um so yeah but they're that's i guess definitely you have had a good year i don't think i've ever heard you be that like i mean i've had a fine year what happened what happened this year nothing which is a good year that's like nothing of note happened. That's one more year off. No news is good news. Nothing happening is the best thing that can happen. Yes.

Yeah. Big fan of nothing. I don't want to ever have anything that I have to worry about. Even something good is like, oh, it's just a thing that I have to do or talk about. No, I just want to be. Just let me be. I've existed this year and it's been fine. It's been pretty good.

It's as good as it gets. Great. How long did it take you to write the book um do you guys really want to talk to like do we have to talk about the book no i actually have like a lot of notes from the book where i just want like one thing to talk about like the fact that you change into jeans and sweatpants i don't do that fucking fact that you change into what you were like you have one line in the book where you're like, I immediately, the moment I walk into my house, I take my pants off. I put on sweatpants. Like a normal person.

I think you call them pajamas. I believe it was an ex-boyfriend who used to get mad that you weren't wearing dresses enough. Yeah. And yeah, a very interesting thing to get angry about. I think if your girlfriend was like wearing sweatpants, like literally all the time and you never saw her like look like. Never dressed up. A girl essentially, or like not a girl. That's a like wrong thing to say in this time, but nice.

You're describing my girlfriend. I listen, I can get down. I've never seen my girlfriend in a dress. I can get down with like sweatpants, yoga pants, leggings, the whole nine. Sure. It's the athleisure era. This fucking guy will sit. He'll get home from work.

First of all, we have a job where you don't even really need to put on jeans if you didn't want to. So he'll put them on. Or sometimes he's wearing, like, fucking, like, tweed pants. Yeah, what are you wearing today? Water! And he'll get home. These are nice. He will get home.

First of all, my legs got up there real smooth. You probably tore something. You're going to feel that in the morning. He'll wear that until he goes to bed at night. Yeah, that's like psycho. So crazy. These are comfy ass pants. They are not.

I think you have to be comfortable in your own body for clothes not to like really affect you that much. Well, that's wrong. I was going to say, Mr. Comfortable in your own body over here. Get the fuck out of here. I need like warmth and comfort like 24-7 everything I wear now it's like Sherpa, soft you need to feel like we're in a womb

in our clothes you need to be swaddled constantly honestly you could swaddle me I need a burlap sack, I need to be roughed up all the time, just like make me uncomfortable because i want to match the inside of my outside i'm bummed that i don't get like a buddy like i feel kind of like it's just not it's not really fair yeah i feel like i'm at a disadvantage because i don't have

a buddy here we do have like a little like we get to look back and forth. Yeah. I feel left out. I feel like totally excluded. We're trying. We're trying to include you here. Trying our best. I'll stop looking at Kevin. We did. We did a segment on our show last week. There was a dude in Israel who is suing the state for what was the exact term?

Wrongful birth. Wrongful birth. Saying that he never signed up to be born and signed up to live. And he's pretty mad about it. Is this recent? Yeah, he got awarded. I think he won like $2 million. He won $2.7 million.

Okay, I wanted to do that my entire life. It's so long, right? But we had just talked about it when I started reading your book. And you have something. I think I used to say, I was like, if you would offer me to a sperm, I'd be like, I'll cut my tail off. Like, I'm out. I don't want to do this. I think in the book you said fetus, but it's like, I didn't fucking ask for this.

Why do we have to do this? If someone told you, like, everything that life entails, and if that's something you want to go through, you would say no. You'd absolutely say no. Without a second of hesitation, you'd absolutely say no with like without a second of hesitation you'd be like fuck that that sounds like for the people who would like go skydiving oh hang on here you don't make he doesn't make sense though you're a fucking well i i go skydiving and i i've gone skydiving you wear jeans all day you go it's like you're just like who are you he makes no sense my argument with it is if

things go wrong you just die like there's nothing bad that happens you just die right like i don't think i'd want to die by skydiving though but you don't have to how would you want to die people would mourn you less if you die skydiving oh so you want the whole you want the attention yeah i need the whole shebang you know whatbang. What do you think would get you the most show right now? I feel like at one point a COVID death would have been a big deal, but now you're just lumped in with a bunch of others. Early on. Early on?

Are you kidding me? Yeah, Hank's really killed it at first. Yeah, but then I guess no one can go to your funeral and stuff, so maybe not that. But, you know, if you want the whole show, you've got to get something pretty dramatic. I think killing myself will always be my first choice.

That'll do the trick. Alright, how would you do it? Oh my god! You guys are wacky! You guys are wild ass people. wild people man uh i i actually did that wasn't just like a a generic random question about the book though like i've talked about trying to write a book here and it feels like it would take so fucking long and it's so hard to do is it it wasn't like that or was it easy for you yeah no it takes forever and it's really hard but if you have like nothing else

going on in your life it's like you know that's what you do with your time so i it's definitely you're capable of doing it if you have like nothing else to do and that is your job to finish that bug yeah i don't think i could do it like you have like nothing else to do. And that is your job to finish that bug. Yeah. I don't think I could do it. You have like a pretty nice career going for yourself. You got a bunch of other shit. It's not that great,

but there's just a lot of shit to do. You know what it is? I don't have enough of a good enough career going where I have to do a bunch of shit. Like if this was wildly successful, we could just do this, you know, but it's not enough. So I'm like,

all right, I got to do another show and another thing. It's like, if you're doing like four or five things you're doing you're not doing anything good enough yeah what would you write and what would your book be about uh it's just probably i just plagiarized yours it really yeah it would be very similar to yours so now we're fucked so now throw the idea out the window i'm not writing a book anymore it would be some sort of existential dread shit you know so you win well played it's real thank you it's really

really that is the hardest question that i've been asked to answer it's like when people are like what is your book about uh like i don't want to say me because like no one gives a fuck about me no but that's wrong i was thinking about that like you're you're actually in like a really great area i feel like where you're like you're it's like you're a celebrity but you're not a celebrity you're you're kind of in the sweet spot i feel like it's such a delicate balance like i i could just fuck this all up like right now in this fucking podcast say the n word don't get canceled like you were like you don't have paparazzi. I don't imagine, but you also can't get into a club. No, I can't get into a club. Right.

I forget what the, uh, the, the essay was there, but like, you were like texting people being like, can you, can you please get me in? So like, I don't know. I feel like that's a good, I feel like if you can't immediately get into a club, you're in a good spot. I wouldn't even be like, even if you want this by like 10, I still wouldn't be able to get into the club. What club was it?

I can't even imagine you in a club. It was fucking Bootsy Bellows. I don't know what that is. I'm not even saying that's how low I am. I don't even know what that is. What are you like when you're in a club? Do you like party? Do you rage? Are you like, are you going to like drink a bottle of? Do you like party? Do you rage?

Are you like, are you going to like drink a bottle of champagne, hop up on the fucking table and dance? No way. Right. I'm not getting on the table. Like that's just like straight up. Like no,

no way. I actually went to, I was like forced to go to like a frat party once in college. And all of my friends that were, I was with all like a song sort of thing. They all got on the table and I was with all like a song sort of thing they all got on the table and i was like genuinely left with no one and i had just like the craziest panic attack where i was just like standing there like looking so dumb because you're not doing anything while

all my friends are next to me on this table it was just like the worst thing ever um but i can i'll like get fucked up honestly like yeah well that's what you gotta do right but i'll get fucked up when you're like i enjoy getting like super fucked up what is your drink of choice tequila yeah that's a little bit not a dumb thing to say i don't know i feel like anything could be so easily made fun of no i feel like tequila is a good tequila i respect the answer george clooney makes it tequila it a good... I respect the answer of tequila. George Clooney makes it tequila. It's got a steam now. Okay, yeah. I feel like it's like

you said, like, oh, what a stupid white girl drink. I don't know. No, I think tequila plays. If you said, like, fucking Malibu or something. Yeah, if you were drinking, like, you know what you should do? Tell people you drink 40s. I think that would really be, like, why? I haven't figured out, like, my adult drink, like, you know what you should do? Tell people you drink 40s. I think that would really be like, why? I haven't really figured out my adult

drink when I go out for dinner or something. I don't have a cool adult drink. I feel that all the time. He drinks a lot of whiskey and I'm like, I just don't like that, but I feel like as a guy... You just made it sound like a married couple. When we go out, we're drinking whiskey.

If I could go out and be like, it's such a like classy chic thing for me to order at a dinner and it's just like i'm still in college getting like a vodka soda yeah there was a time when i was in college where i tried to make manhattans a thing and i would walk around i went to florida state so i went to like frat boys you guys definitely like thrived in college right like no oh i went to seven different colleges because i kept trying to find one that like i liked and it turns out i just didn't like myself and i just never i just never finished i went to fordham in the bronx here so there's no frat

parties no nothing i was pretty lame so no you're profiling us incorrectly no but i do feel like call it like for why do i feel like frat is kind of part of your guys' brand? That's because we get profiled. These motherfuckers. It's inaccurate. Everybody thinks we're these bros or they're frats. I don't think anybody here. Why are you guys bros?

Why do people think you're such bros? Because we're white. We're white and we say bro. I mean, I guess our sense of humor. Well, in the beginning beginning we talked about a lot of sports uh about sports and girls you become a frat boy you know yeah i i tried to i what is your guys's relationship with like the call her daddy podcast so they so they're like she's like under our umbrella um when they first started we like brought them on and like they just she just blew up to a whole

like a whole other stratosphere so she is like part of us but not really she just like does her own thing that shit's wild man like i tried to listen to that and i was like why are you calling me a dirty whore like you'll never believe like what I'm about to fucking do to this fucking cock. I was like, what? I was like, hello? Am I hearing this right? Is this the actual episode? Yeah, but that shit, I mean, I feel like you're either that way

or you love the fact that there's somebody out there speaking that way and like eat it up and i mean she has a fuck ton of fans i know that scares me like who are these people i mean like i totally like respect that and think it's awesome but like who who are these a whole different yeah it's it's a different if you're again yeah if you're not if that's not you there's no like oh i dabble with that you know what i mean you're either in or you're not what i think a lot of girls like would like to have an alter ego of you know yeah yeah yeah yeah and i think there's something about the fact that she just says it and doesn't give a fuck and like that's kind of the the allure is that like she just doesn't care i mean there was there were

parts of of your book where i i kind of had the same feeling where I think you have an essay called Too Full for Dick. Right. And I was like, Kazzy, LD is going to read this. No, it's creepy how like, well, my dad is compartmentalizing, like, just like something that's like written from me. That's a really good piece. And I'm like like do you understand that i was the one who wrote it did you like turn to him for help or anything does he like guide you through it or is it kind of like i'll read it when it's done i have like a you know i'm like constantly trying to like prove to myself that i can like do it myself so i like don't have him read it till it's like pretty much done but he does read like everything i do is that you try to prove it

to yourself like in general or because you know your father's obviously very successful and a writer in his own right and like because i've always thought if i had a father or i'm all for nepotism like i would ride that fucking wave and i would do it proudly but i know some people are kind of like no you you you don't have another choice you can't not ride the wave like what would you do i'd have to like move yeah change your name pretend you're not it yeah i mean i would proudly be like yup that's how i got in the door but then of course you know you take it you run with it and do your own thing like which is what i feel like you're doing but the people who try to like not you know take the advantage like okay idiot fucking stupid i guess i don't know that example of that but you can't yeah because then even once you you do make it or whatever let's say you like

change your name and you like got a job and you worked your way up and then eventually someone will find out who you are and then then it was like, as if it was all for nothing. Yeah. That's weird. Right. Yeah. He, he is like, I feel like you guys are so similar in a lot of ways when it comes to this anxiety ridden personality. Yeah. I mean, I think it would be worse if I was a boy, I probably would feel like, like there's no point in doing this. Essentially it's been done kind of.

But I do feel like because I have the perspective of being a girl and especially like one during this time, I feel like there's a lot for me to write about that is in like a similar vein, of course, just because it's like my DNA. But also it's just like so different. There's one of the things where you're saying in the book, when you finally convinced him, I think you were 12-ish, where you finally convinced him that probably therapy is a good idea. And I think you said he agreed to it because it would be good material. Was that good material for you or for him? For me. I think that was a two-way street he's like very much like you should never like change like the way you are like you should never change like your insanity or anything like that

which i i actually like i tend to agree that's why i lie to my therapist all the time like you're not fixing me does he does he feel that way for like the comedy aspect or just like in general like you know if you are that's who you are and there's nothing you really can do or should even do to change it and i'm like i would agree if i wasn't like blacking out from doing press you know what i mean yeah well i think it's also easy to say when you know he's turned it into a empire of comedy success it's like yeah it's easy for you larry the rest of us are just sitting at home sad it's tough like maybe maybe my therapist can help me not cry through the night or whatever but yeah did you feel him having an outlet that he can

constantly put things into like he's had for like 10 years i don't even i don't know how long it's been and he's been constantly sorry, that sounded so obnoxious he's constantly and it's been like significantly longer than 10 years it's been triple that how long has it been? has it been like 20 would have been what I said

what are you talking about specifically? how many seasons he's been on the air for? I think Curb's on season nine, but I think he fucking takes off. I would guess it's early enough. But even just still, like, with prior to Curb and Seinfeld and everything. It's been 50 years. It's been 100 years, Andrew. What's your problem with Twitter?

It's – okay, well, I don't have a problem hey you're morally opposed to it kazzy no i am i have one i like have tried to have a twitter before in like college and um thank god i like who wants their personality recorded for eternity over time it's just like beyond me i regret the things i say and just in passing why would i be okay with what i like put out on the internet that's actually i get that because i get so mad when people retweet or favorite tweets i'm just like yours yeah why are you doing if it wasn't 30 seconds ago don't remind me that i said that all the time it was like yesterday's tweet and it's like oh this got retweeted i'm like why the fuck are you like i said yesterday just leave i'm a completely different person today it's the idea that there is just like the fact there's so many opinions

like in this one void it's the worst i don't want to add mine to it and like it just even knowing it exists it's just like but isn't it like i mean at the same time again you wrote like this biography collection of essays isn't that just a bunch of really long tweets well yeah but you get like months and months to edit it and and got it yeah i'm still not sure obviously but i at least it's like you know a reader has to like want to read it like right you're opting into it yeah yeah and but i think that's that's that was something i had to deal with like uh with even with blogging where i was like all right i don't get why but people want to hear what i have to say okay so i'll just keep like giving you my opinions on all these things

but i do not understand why people be like why i don't even get why like you have a career i'm like me neither bro me fucking neither but it's associated and submit to what you need to do yeah it's like fine i'll you know give me money give me give me a career i guess it's it's all good what what's next like what are you gonna do are you like are you happy i said give me this happy idea no it's like when you put the book out are you did you feel a sense of accomplishment were you like relieved are you like i want to do another one or you have big plans next or was it just like all right i'm fucking done with that i don't care what's next um you know doing i don't

feel like i can like start whatever is next until like this is all over it takes up so much of your time i don't feel a sense of relief it's more like um just like sleepless dread like every day um sounds awesome sleepless dread every day maybe that's the next book but you don't think of you really like i didn't think about this part when i was doing it and then once it's like you're forced to put it out in the world you're just like okay i guess like here i am and this is what's happening and now everyone knows i'm insane you know what i mean i mean using your psyche vowels in a book is it's a bold move yeah no that was really more so because like i'm still talking about the same issues that i was like dealing with when i was 12 so to like

see that like really cannot change like no matter what and over so many years is i think really fascinating i have you're like a post-traumatic why therapy doesn't work you're like I got the same shit from when I was 12 people who are like too anxious for the four agreements hang on Tom Brady likes the four agreements let's relax for a second please

I feel like it's been well received though there has to be some part of you that feels good about this book i can't feel good yet i can't like what would make you feel good like like does it have to hit like number one on the best seller does it have to make a certain amount of money does it have to you know reach a certain fan like you know if you saw that like a certain person was reading the book you'd be like oh my god xyz likes my book what would i really feel like it has impacted some people into feeling like less crazy or alone in this world i mean it's definitely gonna do that so you need multiple people because a lot of a lot of artists say if i can affect one one person you need a you need at least two i'm gonna need about

a hundred all right a hundred people i need about a hundred people i'm gonna need to have them all take lie detector tests i will i'll give you one uh here's one i think that could be like a netflix special get a bunch of people in a room, hook them up to a lie detector test. You get to quiz them and see if they make it happen. You like me. Imagine that. They're like, yeah. And the fucking buzzer goes off.

God damn it. Get out. You're fucking lying. I think that it's going to be very well received. I felt very cool reading it. Not to brag. We got a little early and i was like oh this doesn't come out till the 17th look at me so i mean that counts a lot this guy feels cool because you know i i it's cool that you guys are feeling like you could be the demographic for it i have no idea what who i think i i definitively believe that anyone who listens to this podcast is absolutely demographic

for it i don't know exactly how how to capture what our demo is, but it is exactly this. Yeah. I just do a lot of whining about how I'm sad. So it's perfect. All the porn stars are going to love it. We're going to play a game real quick with you called answer the internet. It's a bunch of hypothetical questions we've gotten from our fans and from the internet over the years okay so just like silly nonsensical

shit but i guess here we'll start easy with something we just kind of touched upon before would you rather always have to wear jeans or always have to wear shorts jeans what kind of shorts like boxers or like jean shorts uh yeah like regular shorts i don't know why you went to box boxers the heavens to betsy that's all i can choose what kind of shorts i'm wearing then i'd probably choose both both kinds of yeah you can wear some raw denim if you'd like or you can wear like a jegging or like boxer no no it's got it's got to be like denim like regular jeans so like you know you can't like you said no it's got it's got to be like denim like regular jeans so like you know you can't like you said when you get home and you want to put on your sweatpants

you can't do that you gotta wear you gotta like sleep in jeans or every time you go out when my main question whenever i'm asked a would you rather question is does everyone know that i had to choose one of these like so like when they see me they know you know no no no they just judge you from a distance like that girl's wearing shorts. Why? I think I'd have to go with jeans. Yeah. I think it's a bad question.

If you could see a sex tape with any two movie characters, who would it be? Like all of the outsiders. I write them. Maybe Brokeback Mountain. That's what you said that in the fucking. Brokeback Mountain was like fucking the hottest thing ever. Like, I don't know why I call me by your name is like, I mean, I do, but like Brokeback Mountain Brokeback Mountain was like fucking the hottest thing ever like I don't know why you call me by your name I mean I do but like Brokeback Mountain

is like the shit you said that in the book you said the closest you've ever gotten to watching porn is watching The Outsiders on repeat or something like that what do you mean the closest you've ever gotten to watching porn it's the denim jackets and the cigarettes and the grease and it's very hot

and that's that you're not going any further you're never you're not going to watch porn you're just going to watch the outsiders i just it's not for me like i don't really get what why i would watch it well it's people having sex it's naked people having sex i don't think we should have to explain this it's pretty awesome i don't want to watch other people having sex oh you want to watch yourself having sex no i want to have sex like i don't even watch anyone uh how much money would it take for you to not drink for a year no tequila is it a is it a quarantine year oh that's a good curveball um yeah that probably makes it worse right yeah yeah or i

don't know do you are you drinking more in quarantine or you drink more when you're out in an awkward social setting awkward social setting yeah okay so no you're out you're at the club they're dancing your friends are dancing on the bar all that shit and you just got to be sober the whole time that would kill it for like anything i say is gonna make me sound like crazy i would probably do it for like 15k okay that's that's like a pretty low yeah that's a that's a reasonable reasonable answer i feel like i i thought it was gonna be higher i might go on um what would what's your awkward jeopardy interview story oh you got you know how like the true back goes up to you r.i.p uh how ken jennings goes up to you and says you know like

blah blah blah and you have this kind of weird story you tell what's your like strange story you the first one i can think of is um when i i sound i'm literally the worst person alive when i met obama when i went wow you're an ass in obama with my daddy i i he was like um so fucking nice and cool and funny and um i was introduced to him with my dad and he was like hi like what's your name and i was like kazzy and he was like how are you doing and i was like it doesn't matter i was like it couldn't matter less and he was like okay how old were you at the time i was like 18 that's amazing it doesn't matter president mr president it does not matter matter less

that's okay cool that's the best answer possible that is a very it's so good uh what movie most recently made you cry are you a crier oh yeah i'm definitely a crier it's kind of rhetorical um i think i cried at the end of queen's gambit which is not a movie but such a good show it's an okay show oh it's an okay no it's not it's awesome it's no it's an awesome show it's very like everyone it is very talented it's good i'll be i'm wanting some crazy i need to hear why you think this is just it's just because i'm a contrarian yeah he watched it after we all saw i am i am the biggest contrarian and i like literally can't help but admit that i love it, and it's amazing.

That show is amazing. I was watching it. You're strong. You're strong. I watched it. So I watched it. I think I started it Friday. No, no.

I forget what night. Yeah, I think it was Friday night last week. And I was finishing episode seven Saturday morning when the announcement happened that Biden had won. So I flipped over to CNN, and I haven't finished episode seven saturday morning when the when the announcement happened that biden had won so i flipped over to cnn and i haven't finished episode seven well i mean it can't be that good if i don't need to see how it ends that you're just incredible and also i hate that motherfucker from fucking love actually the kid that benny benny benny that little piece of shit he still looks like a piece of shit he looked like a piece of shit when he was six and he still does. I think that shows one of the best shows I've seen in a long time.

It's very, it's very, very good. I don't want to be like, it sucks for contrarians when everyone loves something. It's, it's hard. Yeah. I'm not trying to make it black and white.

Like, Oh, it's so it's very good, but there were just parts of it. And I guess I just don't have a good enough understanding of the, of the chess world. Because I was like, well, how is she good playing the first time ever? It doesn't make any sense.

Like, there's no backstory to this. And people just tell me that I guess that's how chess works. Where, like, if you're – You just see the matrix, man. Yeah, you just get it. I like seeing myself reflected back at me. It's really quite a trip. I probably do. Are you good at that?

At, like, making yourself the main character in every show ever um i don't know what that means but i'm talking about you because you're like shitting on something that like makes no sense like that's what i what's your biggest like contrarian thing like what's the one if a movie's getting like a ton of press and they're like really pushing for it, like I'll, I will never see it. Like, do you have an example of that one that like everybody loved that you were just like stuck to your guns and like,

fuck this. Um, like I, I absolutely hate the Godfather and I, I think it's a terrible, terrible movie. And I lose like a lot of fans every time I say that. And I just will never waver on it.

I think it's a piece of shit. I have a really shit I have a really bad one let's go um there's two I never saw Get Out okay that makes you like racist I thought Get Out was fine so I'm on the same page but also I don't like scary movies so like that was another reason but also I was just like stop begging. So like, that was another reason, but also I was just like, stop begging me to see, like, I would never see Hamilton because of it. You know, there's just things I wouldn't see. I didn't see book smart. I thought the press of that was as if like they were the team who like cured

cancer. I'm a contrarian in that way. And I'm really scared that like if people see my book too much, it's going gonna be like a situation that i would be disgusted by so oh my god you're gonna end up hating your own book because it's so popular i'm gonna be like that's the worst book ever like you know what that's that's the answer to the question of like what would it take for you to be like i guess not happy again but to consider your book a success the the minute that you're like, ugh, don't read my book

because too many people are talking about it, that's how you know it's a success. Maybe, perhaps. That's what they say. You don't have a brand until you hate it. Yeah. I would hope they never reach that level. That's like a nightmare for me.

What is your brand? You asked us what our brand is. What's the Kazzy David brand? You know, I really do my best to it seems like my brand is becoming like neuroses and anxiety and depression and yeah you creep on our tour i'm sorry i really am like trying my best not to like make that my brand like it is who i am so it's like there's not much i can do about it yeah i desperately want to be someone else there's a difference between being yourself and then like making sure

something's your brand. Like when someone's acting like super quirky online, it's like, are they really weird? Or are they like trying to make you think they're really weird? You know, there's a difference. So you, this is just like true blue you, you're never hamming it up. You're never thinking about like how to make it best for content this is just no no no no i i'd like to be it's weird because i reveal so much about myself but i still like want to remain like slightly mysterious like which one it's a again a

contradiction but um i would hope like my brand is like a little bit like on the edge of both of those things i think it kind of works though i think it's like i mean i haven't finished the book so like there's there's a lot maybe that you will reveal but i also think that there's a vibe of like what is this chick about so i think you're working it i think i think mission accomplished so far last question here for you if you could have an endless supply of anything what would it be weed obviously great answer how how much has weed like saved you um it's like you know yeah like not like it's got oh those are the fucking pens they had when we were doing that's that shit they had on the desk when we were in la the like the pre like pre-packaged they're the fucking best because it vibrates when you've

smoked enough right or whatever yeah yeah they really don't get you too high but they really like take away any like nausea and they help me eat when i'm super anxious like today and yesterday and the day before and the day before that'd help you eat? It's this press week I've been having. Are you just having the worst time doing press? Do you hate this? I literally woke up this morning and cried. Scale of 1 to 10, give me an honest answer. How bad was this?

This has been the best. Don't just say that. Don't just say that. Don't just say that. This was great. I'm serious. I've been looking forward to this. And, like, this is fun, and we can just talk, and I didn't have to answer it. I didn't have to, like, sound like I think I'm taking myself seriously.

All right. Well, then that feels like mission accomplished to me. Yeah. I'm going to quit while I'm ahead there. Yeah. All right. Last question. Where's your spot on the vineyard?

You guys, I've had a really tough time on Twitter this week with all the privilege stuff. Yeah. All right. Last question. Where's your spot on the vineyard? You guys, I've had a really tough time on Twitter this week with all the privilege stuff. So maybe don't bring up the vineyard. Oh yeah. Cause, cause answering after that fucking Obama question, talking about where you vacation.

That was awesome. That was my dad's question. Cause my parents have house in the vineyard too. And he's like, ask her what she likes to go on the vineyard. And I was squeezing that in for him. I don't personally care. I'm not going to stalk you there but my dad wanted me to ask it so i asked it um tell him i we live in chillmark

so nowhere is the answer yeah all right well it's never been i hope it wasn't too painful for you and i hope that the rest of the press isn't too bad either. Cause it feels like you dread every second of it, but the book is, the book is very cool. And I feel like people in our crowd are really going to love it. So I hope that our fans are good to you and go read the book and give you good feedback and whatnot.

Cause I think it's going to resonate with a lot of them. Thanks so much. That's really, really nice. And you guys are awesome. All right. Continued success. Thanks for the time. Bye. The life is you It's only right This is the soundtrack to my life

The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.