KFC Radio - CCK Podcast: Mr. Irrelevant (Happy Bday Jared)

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

Jared Carrabis has his most irrelevant birthday. Name That Blogger. Will College Football come back? Sparkelr girl. Zoom sex. Rone battles a dishwasher. The worst Kirk Minhane show ever. Will The Rocket start an OnlyFans page?You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Oh. Kevin. You're just ridiculously stupid. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Is this Kevin? Welcome back. Oh, yeah, man, how you doing? You good? I know you like that. I know you like that. I know you like that. Welcome back, welcome, welcome, welcome.

Welcome back to a Friday edition of CCK. It's KFC, Jared Karabas, Casey Smith, and another week in the books. Week number three of quarantine life gone by. Friday number three of, you know, is it the weekend? Is it the weekdays? Does it even matter? And here we are. Everybody's still alive.

Everybody's still healthy. Daily check-in. What's going on, Rocket? How you feeling? I'm feeling pretty good, Kevin. I'll be honest. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Fuck! You beat me into it. I was gonna see

if Rocket was even... I wasn't gonna let you do it. Well, I wanted to see if Rocket was the type. I was gonna see if he was the type to bring it up himself or if he was gonna play it just like it's any old day. But no, it is in fact fact, the Rockets' birthday. So today's your day, pal.

I wanted that shine, Kevin. Today's your day, pal. Happy birthday. Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah, I'm not with a big birthday. 31. Not a huge birthday person now.

It's weird because I'm a big birthday person for other people like i like to be first for other people um yeah there's nothing worse than like seeing the clock hit midnight and then you look at your phone and just nothing happens um so i like to be the first to tell people happy birthday but for me i think like the coolest part about like birthdays now like working for barstool is like you know all the stoolies like tweeting out pictures that they have with you from like the past few years and that's pretty cool like you know seeing like the people that like take the time to come up and say hi and they ask for pictures so like that that part of it is probably my favorite part of my

birthday did you get your midnight texts or what yeah my, my, well, now that it's quarantine, like my, my mom stayed awake. Uh, my sister, yeah, my adopted sister has always, uh, tried to do midnight. So she, um, she called me at midnight, but, uh, we were interviewing Casey Kelly, who's a former first rounder of the Red Sox, but now he's playing in the KBO. So in Korea, they're 13 hours ahead. So we were interviewing him in the future. So I didn't get to take any calls at midnight, but we were up grinding last night. Well, I do wish you a happy birthday, and it is a big deal to do another trip around the sun, especially in these days.

But I will have to admit that I would make the argument, and I sincerely believe, that 31 is the most irrelevant birthday that a human can have. Thoughts? Why's that? Well, it just is like, 30 is kind of, I think for a male, for a man, 21 is, I think, the last birthday that you really should be gassed up about. But then I'll give you that 30 is kind of a, it's a benchmark. It's a landmark. 30 years old, you're no longer in your 20s. You're no longer

a kid, at least, you know, numbers wise. And so your 30th birthday is a thing. Sometimes people do surprise parties. It's a big thing. And a lot of people at that point might be married or with kids. If you're not like living like Peter Pan pan like the rocket and feidelberg and all these barstool guys do 30 can sometimes be a big family birthday so you do all that and then it's just the first one after a a benchmark is always kind of like well i mean nobody cares about that one so i think 31 is actually the worst, the worst birthday there is. Yeah. I mean like 30, I've had back to back, like not so ideal situations for my birthday. Like my 30th birthday, I was stuck in Oakland. Um, but my mom flew out for that one and made it special for me. Then this one, what do you mean you were stuck in Oakland? Uh, the Red Sox were out there. So I was, the Red Sox A's series with Dallas. One of my friends from home, he works for the airport.

So he was like, yeah, I can jump on a flight to Oakland and go to the games with you for like 50 bucks. So he came out. Boy, I mean, that's a good friend if you ask me. That's also a good birthday. Yeah, when you said stuck in Oakland. He's an OG. We played high school baseball together, so we go way back.

He came out, and then my mom surprised me. Like, she flew in and, like, got there. Because, like, the games in Oakland, like, they start at 10 p.m. Eastern. So she got there for, like, midnight on my birthday and then was there for my birthday the next day. What a woman. What a mom. She's great.

I mean, I don't think I've ever had anybody. I had a eighth, a 30th, uh, surprise party planned for me, which was, uh, was awesome. It was that I felt like such a fucking asshole because it was, uh, my birthday is in March and, uh, we had a, a March madness saloon party, uh, the day before. And so. And so it was like a Friday of the tournament where we all go to saloon starting at noon and we like drink our faces off. And I remember Caitlin had had this big party planned the next day and she just wanted to make sure I wasn't like cripplingly hungover and I was still going to want to go out while not ruining the surprise.

So she was giving me like such a hard time about being out for the tournament, and I was kind of like, can you just get off my back? Like, I just want to fucking watch the tournament. I just want it as my birthday. Just, like, leave me alone. And I was such an asshole about it because then when there was the big reveal, it was like, oh, you've been doing this because you were, like, out of the goodness of your heart, you were planning this,

and you actually went above and beyond, and you were being the furthest thing from an overbearing wife. Surprise parties is a dangerous game. The only other time I had a surprise party was my... Do you like them? No, because same thing. You don't seem like a surprise party guy.

Nope. I don't like any. I like to know what's going on and I don't want to know. I don't want to be an asshole about anything. When I was 21, my girlfriend at the time, she flew, uh, Jay Hay and the big wheeze in to see me. And that was a surprise. And they were like, they, the flight was a little bit delayed and then they got in traffic trying to get to my dorm and it was my birthday. And I, and like everybody was in on it and they knew that they needed to wait for these two friends to arrive. So everybody was kind of like, yeah, I don't think I'm going to go out like, yeah, maybe I'll catch you later.

And I remember being like, what the fuck is this? It's my 21st birthday and nobody wants to do anything. So I was like, you know what? I'm going to the bar. And I picked out a bar in the city. It was when we were still going to McFadden's, which if you're if you're from New York, you know that McFadden's by Grand Central is like one of the number one bridge and tunnels, go when you're 18 years old sort of spot. So I had been going there for a couple of years. I loved it there. I was like, fuck all you guys. I'm going to the bar. I don't care if I'm going myself. I don't know why my

girlfriend and my friends don't want to do anything for my 21st, but fuck off. And then again, they strut through the break right before I was going to leave. And I was like, Oh, okay. I'm the asshole. So I have not had much luck being a gracious surprise party recipient. So no, I don't like them. I had a surprise. Really, really tricky. I had a surprise birthday party. I think I was in, I was in eighth grade and I was I was in I was in 8th grade

And I was dating a girl that was a freshman In high school And I wanted to break up With her and then she threw me a Surprise party so I was like locked in For another few months after that I wanted to be like oh thanks for organizing this By the way I don't want to date you anymore

Yeah by the way Feidelberg just texted the group text with uh with both of you and for he said happy birthday and i got you 31 push-ups what a motherfucker that motherfucker i love it so i mean get down there and and honor code right here you could just sit here and go like and kind of fake it. But, you know, you're a man of honor, are you not? Yeah, I believe in integrity. Yeah, I'll have to, I don't know, maybe I'll text him a video. I don't want to put my elite body on display on social media today.

So I'll probably, I'll take a video and I'll just text it to him for proof. You know what you honestly should do? Just do these push-ups naked. I mean, I've been doing that. If you had a video, honestly, picture this. Casey, you specifically, you'll like this one. Rocket, set up the camera face on right in front of you, like head on, totally naked so that your dick's just like dangling down

and just bang out 31 pushups for your birthday. And you know what? That could be your gift to the world. You're the one out here giving gifts. The gift of Naked Rocket on his birthday. What a visual that would be. Oh, my God. I think what I might do is I'll do like, I'll do 31 naked pushups and then I'll send the

video to like Blatman and then he can edit in like a six foot black bar do the no do the uh we'll just do a photoshop of the black guy's dick just put a black penis on top of your white dick yeah 100% I'm down for that just the idea of like Jared setting up his Instagram ho ring light like down down on the ground, as close to the ground as he possibly can, figuring out the lights, exactly how intense he wants it to be. And then taking off his clothes and doing pushups is quite a visual. That's what I've always thought is funny about, about thinking about like the only fans people, like when you see a video, it's, it's the final product. It's probably, you know, been let's take like five or six and that's

with a little bit of editing and filters or whatever there's probably so much awkward like setup that goes into it in the beginning where it's like yeah all right you can you can kind of see my pussy there no all right this angle's better okay let's go with this lighting the the behind the scenes of of uh of like a cam girl life is probably not as glamorous as you think it is. I feel like, Rocket, this is your year to just be like a cam soda girl. Yeah, I'm basically doing that already now that I have my ring light and I have all of my, I have everything I need to be a hoe. And you know what?

I think in today's day and age. You're allowed to do it. Yeah. I mean, like you're allowed to be a baseball thing. Yeah, I've done I've reached the pinnacle of everything that I set out to do. It's time for a change. And I think I'm just going to be out on TikTok. What if you think what about if Rocket Paper Scissors was just done naked? Yeah. I mean, you Kevin, why are you talking about Jared naked so much today? Listen, everybody knows.

Listen, everyone's in quarantine. Everyone's a little bit horny. Maybe I'm just a little extra today, but all I can think of is the Rocket just trying to be sexy on his birthday. Right. And you know what would be perfect for the naked one? Because I am sitting down for all these except for one. And we haven't filmed it yet. It's kind of, I don't know if it's going to happen, but like it's, there's a chance that

it could happen, but I might be doing one with Juan Soto. And if I, if I like tie him or I beat him for like a round, I'm going to do like the Juan Soto shuffle and like grab my dick. Oh boy. I can definitely do that. Oh boy. That, that's like,

uh, I mean, Juan Soto is not going to be happy about you stealing his swag. If you're grabbing your own dick. Yeah. I mean like that, that's the thing though, is like,

you just got to eat it. If you don't like it, then beat me. It's the same thing. Like you just got to eat it. Oh God. This, you know what I feel every now and then I have,

like I remember that Ellen listens and I'm just, now it's just awkward. I've just been talking about her son. She sent me a picture of her laptop screen with the title says like, happy birthday rocket. So she's definitely. Damn it. Sorry, Ellen.

I know it's just, I always feel so bad. But then I remember that Jared talks about, and I quote, painting his own walls. Right. With his own, like, I, like, she, anything she hears from me or you, Kevin. Gross. It's hard. That is so gross. I can't believe.

I honestly, if I ran Barstool sports, I would put into every contract that like parents, like if you sign this, you also have to get your parent to agree that they don't listen or watch. I just, I can't, I can't wrap my head around it. My mom ever watched or listened or even just knew. I don't even think my mom knows what goes on. If people bring it up, she automatically goes, I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know about it. And I'm so appreciative of that. I wish every girlfriend I'd ever have would do that. I wish sisters, wives,

mothers, grandmothers, aunts, all of it. Nobody should listen to this shit. We're deplorable. We're despicable. I disagree. I'm just candid. I'm candid. My life is an open book, and that means with my family as well um yeah i don't like fathers either i don't like casey's dad listening i feel like he keeps he keeps his

distance right but i told you that he asked me why i had never told him about kfc radio right yeah yeah i mean that's he definitely okay i was like no no no no no like i prefer him not even listen to this radio show. Like I love him watching the college football show. I love him listening to unnecessary roughness, anything that's football, even though those can kind of go off the rails a little bit, at least it's football centric. When he told me, he like text me out of nowhere and said, Oh,

how come you didn't tell me that your buddies do a show called KST radio? Is it good? I was like, Oh my God, do not listen to that. I mean, I can't have that happening. I don't know why people want, you know, why do they even want to listen? But I don't know. It is, it is what it is. Maybe I should just be less of a despicable person and then I wouldn't have to worry about this. But, uh, what can you do? Uh, happy birthday to the rocket, uh, big birthday plans, pal. You're just going to paint the walls. So I have a rock, paper, scissors with Luke Voigt today, Trevor Bauer. So after this, I'm going to shower, get ready and fire it up.

And then after I get the scheduled ones out of the way, then I'm going to go back down the Rolodex of people that have said yes and just start hitting people up. And we'll be working until fucking midnight tonight. I mean, it really is. I hate to sound dramatic or whatever, but people who are going hard in the quarantine for Barstool, it's so much more work than it's ever been.

I don't know what I've done to myself here, but having Friday Night Pints and the game show every night, it just ensures 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. night every night, every day. It's good. It's a good thing for Barstool because it's like, I'm sure you both have talked to friends that are getting laid off, and it sucks, and we're lucky that we work in an industry where like the show goes on. It's, it's the WWE. It's like, you know,

if you can't do it the way that you used to do it, find another way. And I think we're all kind of finding our own way here and it's been great. And, uh, you know, like we've, we've heard from the top down, everyone is saying, you know, this is when people need bar stools, when, you know, they, they, they're down on their luck and it's like, oh shit, I just got laid off. I got, you know, kids to feed this and that, like, I need to pick me up. That's where barstool comes in. Well, I mean, it helps the days go by faster. Like the days when you have like a whole bunch to record or a whole bunch to do. Like I know for like a Wednesdays for me, I always have to do a

lot with Brandon or whatever. And I like sat down on Wednesday night at like 10 o'clock at night. It was like, that was awesome. A quarantine day that didn't even feel like a quarantine day. It didn't feel like I was alone. So I was working the whole time. We did a social distancing last night with a girl from Philly. Her name was Bianca. And, uh, she was, she was such a Philly girl. She told us that she was a little nervous. So she did three shots of tequila by herself. So she had some some tequila and Philadelphia blood running through her veins. And the whole the game was that you had to find something in your house to to to be a mask for coronavirus, something to be like your eye protective headgear for coronavirus and gloves without just putting on, you know, gloves.

So she ended up putting on a tablecloth, a napkin around her face. An umbrella was opened and over her head with cereal boxes on her hands. Like and she was just standing there in the fucking in the in the camera, just looking like an absolute clown. And it was like all I've ever envisioned this game show to be. So tonight we have another round of that if you are interested in killing

quarantine hours. Tonight, I believe, might be our funnest game yet. I don't want to give it away, but it's going to be a good one. If you want to donate and you want a chance to be involved, go to barstoolsports.com slash distance. All you got to do is donate a dollar or more if you want to be generous.

And by donating a buck, you get on the list to be selected for tonight's game. And then we go live at 7.30 p.m. So either participate for a dollar or you can watch for free on the KFC Radio timeline. On Twitter, you'll see it. And also we got Friday Night Pints right before that. That features, oh boy, we got quite the squad. We got Frankie Borelli, Marty Mush, YP, who said there's a chance when he dials in

that he might be hog hunting. So YP is out there just uh in in nature avoiding the coronavirus hunting hogs uh we got kate uh pft and a guest surprise from uh uh cal from time flies who will be debuting his new coronavirus song so he's been doing a new quarantine song every single day thus far of coronavirus. I believe he did not think this through, and I'm pretty sure he has fucked himself. I don't know if he thought that it was going to be only like a couple weeks of quarantine, but Cal's going to have to make like 75 songs, I think when this is all said and done, I think we got a couple months to go here.

Did you see the, the breaking news banner on the one he did yesterday? Yes. So funny. That's the thing too. Local idiot, local idiot agreed to do a new quarantine song every single day. That was so fun.

I mean, he, that's what I told him. I'm like, you're no longer a singer. You are a content creator, man. You're he's a blogger. It's like Rome or any of the guys here who do music. It's like they, he obviously is crazy talented with singing and rapping,

but the videos he makes and the humor that he puts in there and the editing that he does and shit, it's like, you're just like any one of us, man, you should get a job here so uh quarantine song tonight perfect for cal and roan yep i i dude i want those two to collaborate so bad it's uh it's it's funny too when i i talk to each of them about the other person and they're always like nah dude i wish i was like him you know like like Cal would be like oh my god like battle rap champion this dude's incredible and Rowan's like oh man I'm not even nearly as talented as he is he can sing

he can play instruments so they're both crazy humble and both impressed with each other I feel like if they got on a track together it would be fucking magic dude what's been your favorite song you've done so far ooh on the internet to the ground your favorite uh what's your been your favorite song you've done so far oh um uh i mean now favorite is an interesting term because like what do i think

is the best the most there's like best there's like clever there's also just like straight up uh you know my favorite song like like i think the best song that he's covered or the most enjoyable song that he's covered is Closer. I think Closer is, like, one of, like, the fucking greatest musical compositions of all time. So, yeah, so I like that one. I thought Shallow in the Bathrobe was probably, like, the most clever. I'll tell you this, though. Tonight, I don't want to give anything away,

but he was, like, since we are debuting it on Friday Night Pints and Barstool, he's taking it very seriously. He wants it to be like his best one. And I'll just say there, Eminem will be in the mix. So I think it will be. The closer one, I have to agree with you. I think that one was the best. Like when he said, get that ass back in that rover over and over,

for some reason I thought of you over and over. Like when he said, get that ass back in the, in that Rover over and over, for some reason, I thought of you over and over. It's not like something that you would say. So that one was funny, but the remix to ignition was incredible because he starts out saying like, R Kelly, you're literally the worst and I hate you. And then just crushes ignition.

The way he, when I saw that, I was like, Oh, wait a minute. Like, what are we doing here, bud?

Like R Kelly, you know, and then he just, R Kelly, you are literally the worst. wait a minute. What are we doing here, bud? R. Kelly. And then he just, R. Kelly, you are literally the worst. I hate you. And just rolls right into it. And I commented on Instagram. I said, this is great because I can listen to Ignition again guilt-free. Every time Ignition comes on, I'm kind of like, oh, fuck.

And now there's just this alternate version that's just as good and just as good of a singing voice and just as funny. And so Cal's greatest contribution ever is bringing Ignition back to the world. Thank you, Cal. Thank you, Cal, for that. We need to get them. You know what? Because we were, what was it we were talking about the other day? It was the Backstreet Boys. They did that collab over Skype. We need to get Roan and Cal to do the collab over Skype together for this. Did you see Roan's dishwasher battle? Oh yeah, of course. And I saw Donnie's report.

Oh, I didn't see Donnie. What did Donnie do? Oh, you have it. Did he defend the dishwasher? No, his dishwasher. He becomes his dishwasher and his dishwasher talks shit back to Rome. Yeah, that's brilliant.

That's fucking brilliant. If we had the regular radio going right now, I would be playing both of these songs so we could debate them, but that is well, let me say that the for Cal again, I don't want to give too much away, but there is definitely a point of view

curveball in this one that I think is going to be very interesting for the people. So, oh, fuck. I am so goddamn jealous of all of those guys. Donnie, Cal, Roan, anybody in punk. If I could do anything, I would do – if I could change my content, it would be all music content. I would do freestyle raps. I would do if i could change my content it would be all music content i would do freestyle raps i would do parody songs i would do singing all of that to me is so fucking incredible i i would if i could just play the drums like frankie i would i would give up everything else i can do just to be able to do that i think it's absolutely incredible what those guys can do

they're they're insanely talented and i i need that collab more than I need air to breathe. I feel like now, what I'm hoping for to come out of this, now that Donnie has done a rebuttal to Roan's dishwasher diss track, is that I need Roan to respond to the dishwasher. Oh, yeah. I feel like we need an entire kitchen battle at this point. I feel like I need the toaster to get in the mix, and I need the fucking refrigerator to be wrapping, too. This could go on and on and on.

Yeah, the toaster's bars are kind of weak, though. Listen, I mean, 12,000 retweets, 65,000 likes for Roan's rap battle with the dishwasher. So I had told him when he first started, I was like, bro, like lean into this rap shit. And understandably so. He was kind of like, I want to, you know, I want to make a new name for myself and show my range and do things differently. I've been doing rap for so long now and I get it. I'm sure it's probably a little bit tiresome and certainly difficult.

But I mean, look at that response. Look at that. It's, you know, for a piece of content for just like a that's that's not just like a viral funny tweet or whatever. This is like I worked on this. I attached this video and put it out to get one point six million views. And, you know, five low five fig tweets, as Nate would say, retweets. That's fucking unbelievable, man. I would do.

That's the only problem. I've said this before. You guys would absolutely hate me. Every single time I did a radio show or any time I was talking, I would just be freestyle rapping. I would have a song, Casey, called Deering, and it would just be it. And every time I talked to you you the song would just be me talking about deers all the different types of deers the animal the word deer just you speaking like an idiot just during yeah no no listen i i would be but that's okay though because when it's a rap

battle or when it's a freestyle that's just roasting your entire life it's way better so i actually feel like you're really doing yourself a disservice not learning that because I would, I would just sit and get bodied every day by a freestyle about my bad speaking when you just tell me I sound like an asshole. It doesn't affect me anymore. If I could learn it, if it was something as simple as learning, if I could just study it and figure it out, I trust me, I absolutely would. I, that type of content. So speaking of weird content, the last episode of the Kirk Minahan Show, speaking of Steve Robinson or Steve Anderson, what did Dave call him down in Miami?

Oh, God. Whatever name that was. He told me, you've got to listen to the latest episode of the Kirk Minahan Show. It's the hardest episode I've ever done. And if you listen to their show at all, they've had some dramatic moments from Kirk's mental health down to people being almost fired and all sorts of shit. And I'm like, what what does this one mean? And he was like, I can't even describe it.

And they did an entire show from the point of view of everything they make fun of. So like it wasn't just like a bad radio segment they did an entire episode where kirk was kevin and uh like they just had hacky jokes and like corny storylines and the voices and the music and the bit the entire episode it just didn't stop it just kept on going and i like my my skin was crawling listening to it and it really just put on blast how bad those corny morning zoo type shows are. But it's quite an interesting one. If you're a Kirk Minahan fan or you want to hear them do their thing, go listen to the Thursday episode. It's called The Hammer, and it is as cringy as it fucking gets.

Who else would be ragging on an episode? And it is as cringy as it fucking gets. Who else would be ragging on an episode? I mean, it's not really like any specifics. It's just like that entire, you know, genre, if you will, that entire style of doing radio where it's just like, well, you know, let me tell you this tale about me and my buddies and like corny jokes. And it is it's almost like in kind of a way it's like pmt like when pmt came out and they were making fun of that mount rushmore's and shit but then it turns out like everybody likes them and there's like a reason why they do it so now they're just doing that type of content these guys are actually good at doing that they make fun of it so much and they know it so well inside and out that they can actually put on a bad radio show.

I'm sure right now those guys could go get hired by Z100 and do a show like that because that's what they want to hear, and they're good at doing it. There's a lot of content coming out of Barstool. It's very interesting shit. It's all type of wacky shit. We're going to hit our first break here. If you are on the line, please hang on.

Oh, and it sounds like we can play the dishwasher battle. So let's do that. Let's play Roan's dishwasher battle as we head to break. And when we come back, we'll get to Anthony and Reese and Joe and Carson. And also, we didn't get to calls yesterday, but I know the lines were banged out with quarantine dating stories and tips and all that so if you'd like to call back in today the second half hour of this friday show will be all calls and we'll mix it up with our fans so let's let's hit uh roan's dishwasher battle and to the

break and we'll be back on power 85 what the fuck's good bro you thought because i'm a kitchen appliance i wasn't gonna clap back well clack clack your ass about to get washed off top like all the cups in my glass rack and you need that with all that greasy ass hair under your snap back boy wash your ass crack out of here looking like quarantine hit your hygiene harder than corona did the nasdaq so i'm about to rinse your noodle like a leftover plate of craft Mac because you can't stop me. Once these arms get to spraying on me, that's that. And I got multiple rounds for every plate in the kitchen.

I was built for this shit, homie. I'm way more efficient and I could easily take whatever you're dishing because ain't nobody scared of a laid off battle rapper. Motherfucker, play your position. Get back on the couch and be socially distant because I'm different. I came with the house you was renting And I guarantee you don't want these problems When you're facing eviction Because I put the G in G-E I'm a machine

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every day, but today is different. We're partnering with first responders, government officials, the medical community, innovators in the manufacturing, transportation, and food distribution industries to make sure that we're finding the right people for the right jobs right now. Let's work together. ZipRecruiter.com slash work together. Alright, we're back. I'm just sending out a tweet right now reminding people that we didn't get to your calls yesterday. We didn't get to your calls yesterday about quarantine dating.

So if you want to call up about that, we heard from Taylor, our caller yesterday, who talked about he was doing some FaceTime dates. You know, the weekend is here. If there's ever a time to maybe call up a cutie and have some wine and, I don't know, smoke some weed and do whatever else you would do. Don't forget, at some point, we're going to have to play Get That Barstool Blogger. Oh, that's right. America's favorite new game, Name That Blogger.

One of my coworkers sent me a text earlier this week, Sunday afternoon to be specific, saying that they had just watched an Easter Bunny porn video. And so we will try to guess that blogger. 833. What's the number? 833-85. 833-85-SCHOOL. 857-8665?

8665. I can't believe I still like these numbers don't just stick in my brain better. I mean, I feel like I'm just getting stupider and stupider. Call us up. So let's get to the ones we got on the line right now. Let's start off with Anthony from Seattle. What's up, Anthony?

Hey, guys. Love the show. Happy birthday, Mikey in Boston. Just wanted to talk to you guys about being a delivery driver during the pandemic. Mikey? I don't know who he was on the Kirk Minahan show yesterday.

Mikey? All right, whatever. Keep going. What do you got? It's just, I'm just getting out of hand, honestly. With all this dog food and shit? I mean, come on. I don't know what's going on.

Next call. What do we got next? Let's go to Reese from Texas. Hey, y'all. Happy birthday, Rocket. Thank you. Before I ask, yeah, no problem.

Kevin's tweet got me thinking yesterday about quarantine sex and FaceTime sex and all of that. So I finished undergrad and I'm in professional school now. And I'm just wondering, of the people who have the capability, given the quarantine circumstances, what percentage of those do you think are having sex or hooking up or whatever during live online classes. And I think it's easy to write off initially and just say sort of all a bunch of fucking horny college kids fucking all over the place. But these cameras malfunction. Sometimes the volume or the, you know,

the video recording will come back on or you have to kind of be by the computer in case the professor, you know, wants to ask you a fucking question or something. So it's a little weird for me to be honest, but I don't know what, I just want to know what y'all think about that. I don't know about you guys. I don't know what the fuck is going on right now. Do you guys understand what's happening with these calls? We're talking about dog food. We're talking about professors having sex on,

on camera. No, no, no, no, no, no. How many, how many students, what percentage of students who are capable in the online class setting having sex with their quarantine buddy or whatever, how many of them are sitting there actually fucking while the class is going on? I'm sure that's going down. I mean, I heard a story the other day. This was actually pre-quarantine.

It was just a girl I know that was working from home, and she said she was delivering, she was kind of doing like a a presentation uh virtually and all of a sudden someone was watching porn you just heard a lot of moaning and slapping and you know if you're watching what rocket watches you're probably hearing some all sorts of noises so i'm a big gag reflex guy kevin is that what you are meaning meaning that you uh you know you don't want one, you do want one? What exactly does a big gag reflex guy mean? Yeah, you appreciate not having one for the depth purposes,

but if there's a little gag, it's like, all right, that's a compliment to me type deal. Yeah, I think what you want... Maybe like a little cough on is like 75 no gag reflex deep throat skills right you know what i'm saying it's just like you don't want the full thing it's like uh heather brooks almost too good at blowing dudes you know yeah she makes it look too easy you You know what she is? It's like when people used to criticize Carlos Beltran and maybe Robinson Cano saying that he doesn't hustle, he doesn't try hard,

and it's just because the game comes so easy to him. It looks like he's just a gazelle out there. He doesn't break a sweat. He doesn't have any angst in his face. He's just like, this shit's easy to me. It doesn't mean that he's not trying. It just means that it's just so goddamn easy to him it just it's a it's a walk in the park that's heather brooke when it comes to sucking dick yeah i mean that was everyone's first porn i mean i remember i remember uh like the first time i ever saw like a boob was obviously

titanic um and then like the first time that i saw like a porn was like a soft core like hbo like late at night type deal but the first hardcore that i ever saw i was like having a sleepover at my buddy's house and we were in his basement there was like five of us we went on like napster and downloaded a heather brook video and we were just like what the fuck was that i mean that's that's one where you you you realize that there's like porn and then there's porn there's sex and then there's sex you know and that's also one so high it's like yes it's not like that in real life right i almost feel bad for you knowing that that was your first one because it's like hey they ain't all like that

you know yeah i mean you think about you think about some of, like, the pros. There are professionals out there who can't even hold a candle to that. You know, it's like... I don't think anyone could do what Heather Brooke does, though. I feel like she's like the Mike Trout of BJs. It's like you kind of have to throw Heather Brooke out, and then it's just kind of like a battle of, like, all right, who's the best not named Mike Trout? Who's the best to throw Heather Brooke out. And then it's just kind of like a battle of like, all right,

who's, who's the best not named Mike Trout. Who's the best not named Heather Brooke. Well, I saw something, uh, this was maybe like day, like three of quarantine.

Cause the tweet was like, basically what's, what's going on with our calls right now, where it was like, what the fuck is happening? Someone was like, it's day three of quarantine. And I just watched a b c

and they listed off all these crazy things and the last one and i ended up doing some due diligence and seeking this out myself was a gal rocket performing uh solo with a 33 inch uh like quadruple sided dildo that went completely into her body. It was like, it was rocket. It was going to come out the other end. It was absolutely fucking insane. It wasn't even sexual. I wasn't even turned on.

I was like, it was like anchorman. I was like, I'm, I'm just impressed. I couldn't believe it. I'll, I'll send it to you on the side.

Don't worry. All right. Thanks. Uh, I mean, I'll send it to you too, girl. I don't know if you're interested, but you know,. All right. Thanks. Uh, I mean, K case, I'll send it to you too, girl. I don't know if you're interested,

but you know, we can, we can have a, a group. I'm honestly, I'm honestly okay. Uh, you can just get me on that one.

I think I'll be all right. Okay. You know, fine. Whatever. Uh, I mean, Kevin,

the last video that you sent me, the last video you sent me was the, um, the video, the video. Uh huh. And, I would prefer to never get a video from you for

the rest of time well i just saw i posted this on my twitter the other day uh there's a guy on instagram i guess he's probably a rapper or something i've never heard of him he's on instagram retch r-e-t-c-h i don't know if he's like some dude that the kids are into i'm sure like uh i'm sure you know like wayneetski loves this shit. I've never heard of him. I don't know who he is. But apparently he's been going live on I.G. at night and he's just kind of putting out like basically the worst the world has to offer. It's just like all crazy, despicable shit. And the one I posted was a chick. It's funny because on Instagram, you really can't post, you know, you can't even post a nipple.

But on IG Live, basically anything goes, I guess. And this girl. I don't think that's true. There's an OnlyFans girl that I follow on Instagram, and she gets reported all the time for like nip flips on her IG Live. Okay, but I guess, you know, you have to report it after the fact. There's nothing. I guess that's the case always, right? You could post whatever you want.

It's just that you get knocked afterwards. So I don't know how this guy is getting away with it because he's got, I mean, let me see. He's got 170,000 followers. He's not like a powerhouse, but, you know, a decent amount. Anyway, there was this video of this girl twerking on the bed rocket with a sparkler a lit sparkler uh inside of her not a sparkler but like when you get a bottle at the club those sparklers and then she flips over and continues to twerk and the camera pans over and it's her her like four-year-old child yeah her mother and and feeding the baby with a bottle it was i've never been more uncomfortable over internet content in my

whole life i was like i was actually disturbed i was like we need to like call child protective services we need to like get foster care over to that house. What is going on? Yeah. I mean like that's something you're learning. It's a, it's a life experience. And honestly, Kevin, you know, some of us, we, we get the birds and the bees conversation a little bit sooner than others. And you know, there's probably some case studies out there. It's Casey. Listen, what, what, how old were you when you got the birds and the bees

discussion casey his mother can you imagine seeing ellen do that at that age i'm not saying ellen would do it i'm just saying oh my god ellen's listening honestly you talking on this radio show you talking the way you talk on this radio show is basically the equivalent of that video. It's the reverse, but it's that video. That's what you do every day on CCK. Yeah, I mean, it's life lessons, Kevin. If you don't like it, then fucking grow up. Mother!

It is the child's mother. He didn't turn on his computer and watch porn. He's watching his mom shove fucking bottle service sparklers up her vagina. And somebody else was filming I'd have to imagine there was like a teenage kid in the mix as well I know you're trying to be edgy for the sake of being edgy

but that's like I'm picturing four year old Jared right now seeing Ellen do that and be like, oh, it's just a life lesson. Kevin, it's just a life lesson. I saw my mom stick a keto sparkle up her pussy. Jesus, Casey. Casey, would you relax? Goodness gracious. I know you're trying to be edgy, but my mom's listening. Holy cow. The language, Casey Smith. Oh, my God.

You need God in your life. I'm sick of both of you right now. You need God in your life. This is, that was. I'm sick of both of you. Honestly, I just, I want to apologize to SiriusXM. I want to apologize to the listeners out there. I was not aware that Casey Smith was was just gonna just throw caution to the

wind here on this program today just say whatever on the fucking show holy cow yeah i i honestly it's one of those things where sometimes when jared talks and he like starts saying things like that and it's like he thinks he's gonna get away with it normally i don't care enough to correct him but there is not a single fiber in me that could let him be like, yeah, it's fine. That kid saw his mom do that. That's totally normal. Just learning his lessons. Yeah. It's just so weird. That is a weird take on you. It's 245

in the afternoon. At least wait till Friday Night Pints when we have a couple drinks with us before you start dropping pussy to the crowd. That was passionate. There was a lot of... He infuriates me.

Let's go to... And the funniest part of that video was the dude, that guy, Wretch, he just started laughing. He was like, oh, my God, Jesus Christ. Even he was appalled by this shit. It takes a lot for me on the Internet to be like... There's a couple things i can't watch one of which is like fight videos when someone's really getting beat up like if they're like knocked out and someone's still kicking and punching i really get like that

really makes my stomach turn this one i was like i i i was like that's enough internet for the day there are certain times where i'm just like well we've created a monster here on the internet that we can't control anymore. That one really cut me deep. That was pretty scary. I don't know if it's the dad in me or just the respectable human in me somewhere, but I couldn't even handle that. Let's go to Joe from Illinois.

What's up, Joe? Hey, KFC. Travis, Casey, Travis. Happy birthday. I just wanted to bring up a bet that you made on KFC Radio over the summer, I believe, dealing with Pete Alonzo hitting 50 home runs. Carabas, can you pick me up on this? Yeah, I do need to calm myself and jump off a bridge.

I do. Yeah, I was just going to say, weather's getting nice. Are we going to get an update on that? I think it would be great for content. It would be. Just love to hear your thoughts on this. It would be, Joe. You're right. I'm a man of my word, and I promise this

will be done at some point. The problem is, I just don't know how to do it without... I mean, I do still have, like I said, some respectability inside of me. I don't know how I can do content involving me coming myself.

I can find a bridge somewhere that's, that's, you know, not dangerous enough. Like I can jump off a bridge. I got it. I got it. I got it,

Kevin. Here's, here's what we're going to do. I mean, I have kids and stuff, Jared, just keep that in mind. No,

no, no, no, no, no, Kevin, here's what we're going to do. Listen,

we got, we got this all figured out what we're going to do. It's a, it's an easy lift. Really? What, what it boils down to. Um, we're going to do, it's an easy lift, really, what it boils down to. We're going to get you a laptop, okay? And we can use the hotspot from your cell phone.

We'll get you like a one-man tent. You can go in the tent, come yourself, and then jump off the bridge. I mean, yes, that would be the way to do it. But even just being on a camera, like on a video, implying that I went into a tent and masturbated. I don't know, Jared. I mean, at the end of the day, I don't think anyone did anyone like give you this idea. This was your idea. I just it was well, it was it was day one of the season, and I think someone tweeted me like,

Alonzo's going to hit 50 home runs and knock in 120, and I was just like, yeah, okay, dude. If that happens, I'll come myself and jump off a bridge. I never actually made a bet. I was not thinking about it as anything that was even remotely possible, and I certainly didn't say it when he was on a tear and had, you know, 20 home runs early on, because once it started to become a reality, I would have used my brain. This was probably like, I don't even think the season had started.

And so I don't know. I just said it. But you know how things go when it comes to grasshoppers and statues and all sorts of bets. You know, you say it and it's it's out there on the internet and it's gospel it's written in stone so i i uh maybe what if i do a video and like it's kind of like if you know you know like the video will start with me uh uh standing on a bridge and i'll just tell the folks and it will be it will be real. I just don't know if it could be on camera.

I'll just tell the folks part A has been completed. I promise you that I stand. I'm standing here right now with the evidence on me that part A has been completed. I don't think anyone wants to see you come here. Right. That's what I'm saying. It's you know, if I was like a hot chick or something, it's a different story. I don't think anybody wants to have any, you know,

in-depth visual or description of that. So I'm just going to say part A has been taken care of. I'm wearing a pair of black shorts. You can't even tell. I'm jumping off a bridge. Is that fair game? Scouts honor. I feel like that's fair.

Yeah, I have no resignations to that proposition. Casey, are you okay with that? That's the only way you can do it. You can't actually do it on camera. That would be, that's too weird. I feel like I would legitimately be canceled. When Dave did the whatever, the six whatever the fuck

challenge, he wasn't jerking off on camera, but you had to take him at his word for it, I guess. Speaking of, Dave is another one who he promised he would uh he would do something he deeply regrets if tom brady had been suspended or whatever whatever at whatever stage of of uh deflate gate that was which he never ended up doing anything further. This was like after the arrest and all that. So he's on the hook as well. He was also on probation, in fairness. Well, you know, it doesn't have to be anything necessarily illegal.

I'm just saying that there needs to be, you know, if I'm going to get in trouble or I'm going to be held up by the internet for not coming and jumping off a bridge. Just know that there's other people out there. Like I said, from grasshoppers to statues and regret proclamations. I'm not, I'm not alone. You know, it's like, it's like when the Mets get made fun of for Bobby Bonilla's contract, we're not the only people out there who have, who have players with deferred money. Remember that. Okay.

Fucking remember that. That's true. Very true. but it is Bobby Bonilla. That one's kind of tough. But yeah, no, I think that there's a way that we can work around this. It's certainly on the table. And you know what, Kevin? I'll be there to support you.

I'll be outside the tent, like, cheering you on. Oh, I would rather you be inside the tent. I can be... You know what? Let me pick the video. You could be like that guy, filming his mom. No big deal. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we're all adults here. You know what? Let me pick the video. You could be like that guy filming his mom.

No big deal. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're all adults here. We're all in our somewhat. We're over the age of 30 now. So if you have a problem with that, then fucking go out. We'll get to America's favorite new game called Guess That Blogger.

But first, let's take another call. Carson from Texas. What's up, Carson? No, Carson. We got we got Parker from Baltimore. Hey, guys, what's up? How did birthday Jared? Thank you. All right. So, Casey, I was just wondering, like, let's just pretend that college football is still happening because I'm not like prepared to face that reality yet. But do you think it's more likely that they play like the full season with just no fans in the stadium? Or do you think that maybe they'll just shorten the season, like say everyone plays eight games? I had to pick between those two that they would still play the whole season. Yeah, like it's not it's not like a would you rather it's like what do you

actually think is more likely to happen depending on what the NFL does I think that they're gonna have to play a whole season just about fans just from TV rights like that's what it's going to come down to it's like if they shorten the season that's a lot of money of TV rights but the good news is Roger Goodell doesn't seem to give a fuck about this thing so if the nfl goes on as it's as it's planned i think that college football probably will too um but the idea that they'd play during the summer is the dumbest thing i've ever heard if anything i think like the most likely thing is they're just going to move the season

to the next spring yeah i think that roger goodell is operating from a place of my season is not my sport is not in season right now i'm not fully on the hot hot plate right now like i don't have to uh like he can he can just say yes like don't we're gonna have football because it's not pressing right now you know if it was september like the draft though but even even the draft like the fact that they're holding the draft i don't think i mean yes they should not be doing it like i think you can do it the fact that he's he's saying that if owners come out and and say they shouldn't that they're going to be punished like he's not just saying okay we're going to carry on business as safe as possible it's like not only are we going to carry on business per usual, if anybody speaks out against it, you're going to get hit by the league.

Like that tells me he's, he's planning to play football. I think that they should just do what we've been doing. Like you can do content and, and, and mix it up. Like if you did a draft and it was somehow, you know, like via the computer or if, uh, you know, you, you're not up on stage hugging each other and shit, but you can be in a building, but it's like secluded. You only have one person up at a time or you do something like think about in college football

when it's, you know, people selecting their hats for their college decision. Like that's always an electric moment. It doesn't have to be the part of it. Like the big part about the draft is not that that people get up on stage and like shake hands you don't need closeness physical proximity to do a successful draft so i mean if they do it as as they've always done it then they're assholes because that is endangering people but i think you could still have a draft. Better or cooler in a way, because right now it's like you walk up on stage and the tweet is already out there. Everyone already knows who's getting drafted.

If somehow there was a wrinkle where it was just like, we're going to we're going to tweet this out and nobody knows yet. You know, like the NFL is going to tweet and and the whole Internet goes crazy right then and there. And you you cut to this dude who's on Instagram Live saying, yeah, I just got drafted by the Bengals. Let's go Joe Burrow. I think that could be even better than the regular draft. It could be cool. You know Roger Goodell is not that creative. That's the thing. He's going to do

what he wants to do because of how much money that he needs to make. And Dave said it best, like, Roger Goodell lives for that moment every year where he gets to dap it up on stage and look like a cool young black dude, like, what up, bro? Yeah, man, welcome to the league.

Cool fucking suit, put the hat on, take the pictures, so he's never gonna give up that moment. Unfortunately, we are out of time. We'll not be able to play America's Favorite New Game, name that blogger, maybe on Monday. But until then, have a good weekend. Stay safe, stay healthy,

stay lazy, stay hot.