KFC Radio - Charles Barkley Allegedly Got A Bar of Soap Stuck Inside of Him Ft. Ben Schwartz

Episode Date: April 13, 2023

Timecodes: 00:00:00 Start 00:13:26 Succession SPOILER ALERT 00:20:25 Darren Rough / Succession analogy 00:23:04 Charles Barkley got soap stuck up his a** 00:30:19 Feits doesn't understand how babies don't fall out of women 00:36:38 How does a mirror see the egg tik tok 00:36:58 https://www.tiktok.com/@dr.emzieees/video/7218778404101967146?lang=en 00:39:20 Feits f***ed up in The Dozen 00:43:54 Snapping your Banjo String......... 00:51:53 Feits' golf game 00:54:01 Out of Order 00:56:27 AITA - Work Stickers 01:06:00 Video Voicemails 01:29:07 Interview Preview: Ben Schwartz +++++++++++++++++++++++ Pirate Water: Go to drinkpiratewater.com to find pirate water in a location near youYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus. Oh, fuck. Please watch the YouTube. Okay. I can pretend I don't look like this for a second. The guys said that I have to make this announcement because they forgot to make this announcement. But go buy the Houston tickets. If you don't buy the Houston tickets tickets apparently they say i'm fired so i mean please fucking buy the houston tickets i beg of you or don't you know you'll probably just get a better podcast if not probably something where all the mics are on. So do that what you will, but I would prefer you to buy the Houston tickets. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network.

I've been lucky enough to sit with a lot of famous, successful, and important people, but I've never sat with the son of the local library trustee in Westport. Polly Feidelberg is a winner. We are now sitting amongst Westport Library Royalty. Yeah, yeah. No, we're taking over. You're basically like Prince Harry. Bro, God bless anybody who works in politics.

That was very... I love that the library trustee is not... Oh, no. I'm saying it was like we were out like holding signs yeah yeah everyone was coming over to people and i was like i i watched one woman complain and i i only heard bits and pieces but she was talking to someone who was running and like like a per like a person was running for a position like a city i forget what it was right so whatever it is and i listened to her for like no joke an hour just talk about like the they moved the entrance to some restaurant and i was

like bro i was like i would tell you to fuck get the fuck away from me so goddamn fast but but i i can't it's just like humans evolved to complain it's really when you think about it what separates us from the animals you know animals got a bitch i don't think they do dude i always see what that with animals were like how do they complain they will they communicate so like i i imagine there's some form of complaint in there but they just like you know like you see you get kicked out of the pack real quick it's like you're done goodbye yeah there's no complaining there's there's oh i think it's the opposite i think they just get around to complain i think i think i think no way bro no way animals sit around complaining like when you think about like

animals just out here to eat and fuck a fish gets like caught or whatever you think fit and then he gets sent back and he just has to find new friends like get some fucking dickhead did you just like pull me out of the water and just fucking took a picture with me and put me back in the water and i lost all my friends because we can't we don't have phones it is spectacularly crazy that you just said that because i found i can't believe you just said that i saw that we'll do a video today of a woman who like she actually saved the fish but like i guess tide come out and the fish got stuck in I don't know some kind of puddle and she picked it up

and put it through like carried it back to the ocean it was a big fish might have been a barramundi and and and she carried it back and I was like that dude's never going to find his friends ever again this is so crazy so that I just just today favorited this to bring it up.

Has anyone else ever heard of leaving a quote example lobster when cooking lobsters? My parents claim that plenty of people do this and that they learned it from their own parents, but it's a ridiculous and horrifying process for those who haven't heard of it. That's when you buy lobsters to cook by boiling them alive and you leave only one alive.

My family always set the lobster right in front of all the cooked lobsters and made it watch as we eat the other lobsters. After that, we put the lobster in a cooler, drive it to the beach, and send it back to the ocean. The joke is that the lobster is supposed to tell all the other lobsters of the horrors it saw. Has anyone else's family heard of this or was I born into a family of sociopaths? Sociopaths. Sociopaths. I've heard of this or was i born into a family of sociopaths sociopaths i've heard of that and maybe maybe my family and it's like joked about not with lobsters was like a mouse you did mouse out to warn yeah yeah yeah yeah and i don't think we ever did it i think it was more just it was

said i don't get really killed mice we weren't very good at killing things if i know the feidelberg name it sounds like you let the rodents take over usually. I think we've just been lucky that we didn't really have that many mice that often. It's probably because your father was a real man out there killing the mice. Please. He's fucking less a man than me. I'll tell you what. He's had testicular cancer.

He has exactly half the man I have. Damn, you got a pussy. Anyway, humans complain and animals don't. You're an idiot for that thought. I don't know. I mean, they communicate, right? Isn't the whole point of communication to bitch? Well, that's what I'm saying.

We evolved. We are the best communicators and all that allows you to do is complain yeah really seriously all you need to do is like grunt and yell and like you can communicate like i'm in danger i'm horny i'm hungry like you know you're a baby you're crying you're an animal you do that and then you evolve and you learn how to talk and what do you do you just talk about things you don't like. And I'm the king of it. So I'm not – I can't knock it. But it's like it's reached a point on the internet where it's like – and it's not just the internet.

It's local. It's both micro and macro because it is people on the internet complaining about – and I'll talk about Twitter in a second. I'm done with Twitter. Oh, yeah? You've made this threat a lot. Take the password. Take the password. I'm done with second. I'm done with Twitter. You've made this threat a lot. Take the password. I'm done with it. We'll talk about it in a second.

It's people complaining on a grand scale about fucking trans rights. And then it's people being like... It was a specific one, did you? No, I'm actually... It's more people complaining about trans rights. And then it's people – it's more people complaining about trans rights. But the – and then it's people saying like the – it's too loud in like the neighborhood after 7 p.m. because of this one restaurant or whatever. It's like shut the fuck up. Shut up.

You don't get to run the world. You can't – your personal preferences don't mean anything at all. My apartment is right by a bus stop and it doesn't happen with a real degree of regularity, but like fairly often there's a homeless guy pass out on my steps. You know what I do? Step over him? It depends how

splayed out he is. Sure. Around him, over him. Sometimes I'll say, hey man, excuse me. Just on him. And that's all you do. That's it. That's what I mean. If you can do that about a homeless vagrant who's physically in your way of your own home, then the people who are upset about a noise ordinance or a traffic cone, a traffic light, or whatever these things these local people complain about,

how could you possibly think that everything in the world should be tailored to you it's fucking crazy it's if you're any person with any sort of respect for the world you just go that fucking sucks yeah and you move on right and that's why driving on shitty roads you jesus fucking christ this sucks and you carry on you go yeah like i never once have i ever been like my local constituents have let me down by not paving this road i don't know the road's a little bumpy or there's a fucking you know there's some potholes like whatever man it just is how it goes however i'm done with twitter because it's not completely curtailed to exactly how i like it no that uh the for you page i keep i get duped every time i don't realize that i'm on the for

you page i have muted first of all i don't know how uh the algorithm works i know they put out all the all like how it does work but the last thing i want to see are people arguing about trans rights and guns and politics and all that shit. And it is all that I get fed. And I mute. I open up my Twitter and I don't realize I'm on the For You page because I'm just used to just... How do you get off?

I'm strictly on my following page. I know you just scroll over, but I never end up over. Yeah, mine defaults to For You. Really? Oh, maybe it's because I don't have that third time so i'm not verified so i don't know what that one is that that's just the mets i just made like that oh i see okay so i don't know and it just defaults to that and i just start scrolling and it's just like boom like i don't follow this guy and it's him with tit with elon musk

complaining about fucking well he's complaining about twitter and then there's always these fucking uh doctors who are just on one side or the other about the trans fight and i mute them and the next day they're back unfucking muted i did that i started looking at their goddamn names because i was like i fucking muted that bitch yesterday. And they're fucking back. So I'm done. I did that with gambling companies. All the promotions. When I first got legalized in New York, I blocked all the gambling companies. But it seems like it's an endless fucking.

Not Barstool Sports. Barstool Sports. It's at the top of my feed. I can't do it anymore. So we're changing the password today, Paz. It's really going down? Going down. Yep. You can just do it right now. Well, you don't have to do it anymore. So we're changing the password today, Paz. It's really going down? Going down. Yep.

You can just do it right now. Well, you don't have to do it. I would recommend using like the 600,000 followers, but I'm done. I am retiring from Twitter. I actually – I'll say this, and it's probably an argument for how moderation is always key. I like it more than I used to because I barely use it. Well, I've been doing that too. I've been using that burner account.

I guess I still need to be able to post. No, I'll just tell Paps to post it. Like today, I wanted to post about Out of Order, and I just went to my Instagram instead and put it on my story. Oh, did you? That's very nice of you. All set? All set. I was here until 5 a.m. last night.

Really? Have you seen it yet? No, no, I'm going to, I'm, I'm, I'm premiering that.

Only the crew has seen it. Only like me, rotor sass. And, uh, I want that shit at 7. P.M. We're,

we're, we're going up there to just like finish up some like audio things. And, but it's all done. Good. Yeah. All good. It's four mini movies.

It's four mini movies. It's four mini movies. That's the best way to describe it. And you're going to cry. You're going to laugh. You're not going to know what you just saw, but you're going to know exactly what you just saw. I did see, because in the group chat, they sent the sketch.

I mean, it's out by now. So in one of the sketches, Greer plays God. And it is out by now. So in one of the sketches, Greer plays God. And it is the funniest God. It looks nothing like God. It's amazing. I was like, this is perfect. It looks like old guy Fieri. He's got this really long white soul

badge. Does he have a soul badge for real? No, no, no. It's clearly costume God. At first I was like, what the fuck? And then the third time i saw like this is hilarious um by the way while we're still on paths paths yeah you met someone from ralph lauren the other day ralph lauren i ran into a family friend this is crazy and uh i remembered like midway through the conversation wait you still work at ralph lauren right he's like, yeah. And I was like,

I actually work for this guy. And like, he's like, actually, I've seen, why do you say you work for us? You work with us. And he goes, Oh no,

I've seen the clip. I've seen the clip. I was like, can you confirm that that happened in one of your meetings? He goes, I cannot confirm that it happened in one of my meetings. But he said, I work with a lot of the mood boards and on the mood boards.

It's like, it looks like that. Like that's how they do their mood boards. And something like this, there was a picture of you guys johnny let's go dude the highest praise possible we need some fucking pr up in this bitch we need people to know that john feidelberg is the the inspiration for ralph loren 2024 the. Yeah. I mean, wouldn't it be hilarious if they just put out red bell-bottoms? What if it's just straight up a onesie?

Here's a bell-bottom onesie inspired by Ralph. He came up with this. The bell-bottom onesie just made me remember the picture that proved how important the coat was to that ensemble. Because you took one where I just looked fat as shit, which then led me to remind me of you took one where i just looked fat as shit which then led

me to remind me of in one of the sketches in in uh in out of order i am in a fat thing not full fat see nothing crazy but um it does not look it does it is it is worth seeing just to be like oh that's just john no when you hit a side angle it looks absolutely you're being crazy by the way he went all out for this episode he took a hard fall yeah you're taking bumps now i don't want to give away the other one but i guess i'll be out did you cry uh i never cried i got is this in the one uh at grier's apartment yes yeah yeah i didn't cry but i got like i don't think i might have teared up what did you think of to Is this in the one at Greer's apartment? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't cry, but I got like, I don't think I got it. What did you think of to make you cry?

Nothing. I just, I pretended I was having the actual conversation. I was like, wow. I mean, you're an actor, bro. You're an actor. Speaking of all that, I mean, I guess we can talk about succession by now, right? Yeah, I think so. I mean, with TV shows shows i feel like it's pretty much immediate like that every news publication pretty much ruined it immediately did you do the new york times did

now this this is interesting this is this is a good debate i am a card carrying member of shut well as we know just from two minutes ago i've shut the fuck up about spoilers uh-huh however the new york times wrote an obituary like a real obituary yes yes yes i did that's kind of i don't know about it was in like monday's paper yeah it was in like yeah yeah right away and it was in the just regular obituary sections logan roy like uh you know media mogul dies at the age of 84 or whatever that's a little bit different like because part of me is like stay off the internet don't go read the entertainment section whatever you open up the obituary and you get you get succession it was in the obits in the obits i actually maybe

i think it was like a like a the obit you know there's like a bunch of them but yeah yeah premier one and they did that and i think they just like made up facts about him. Like they used the show, but they also were just like, here's what we think Logan Roy would be like. So here's the thing. I went into that episode. I'm a Succession fan, but I'm not one of these weirdos who thinks it's like the greatest show of all time. Succession is, while still being an awesome show,

the most overrated thing in the world. Yeah. It's one of those things where it's great, but the way people talk about it means it is overrated because people put it on par with like the all-time greats after like one season it was like what no show could even compare after one season what are you talking about i never i probably the season and a half two seasons close somewhere close to that and i always liked it it was always pretty good and there's some great writing there is some there are some elements

of it that are amazing when people like this is, this is... People would describe it as a comedy. It's like, oh, there was a funny line in there. Right. But it's not a comedy. The lines that are funny, I think, are hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, yeah, it's a dark dramedy, whatever. I don't know.

Everything's just a dramedy. Right. Everything is just a little bit of everything now. So I was not a big enough fan. Slash, I don't think they made it well – like is it really – was it really well known that this was the final season? I did know it. As someone who doesn't watch it. Did they say that?

When they began promoting the season, they announced that. They said the final? Yeah. It was very late. They said it was the final and – But it was late you said? Yeah. Because I mean I remember being like the final

season of game of thrones is coming in eight months yeah yeah it wasn't like that so like when yeah because it's not game of thrones people talk about like it is but it's not it's not so that was i i must have just missed that so you can imagine like if you don't if you didn't know this is not the final season and then that happens be quite a time to kill off the the guy i was like well this show's done and jay danahy was like well yeah no it is but nonetheless still a a uh a baller move to to pull the trigger and do it and to have the final um scene the final the death scene of the biggest character of your show and he's not in it yeah he died in like a bathroom or something he's on a plane and you see chest compressions you might

see like a head of white hair but i i do not think brian cox was in that episode oh really i don't like i you do not see his face maybe he maybe laid on the ground probably huh they filmed it at night so i honestly in my head it's not even out yet you'll get that later yeah there's well yeah we interviewed uh uh kevin heffernan uh yeah yeah we interviewed kevin heffernan uh from super troopers and broken lizard and they obviously worked with brian cox and he told us this story about how brian cox uh does not film at night anymore he's just like i don't do night shoots and in my mind i'm thinking i didn't know it's the final season so i was like maybe brian cox is like i'm fucking done in the game like i don't want to do this anymore so like he you know

he was too hard to work with and they're like we got to kill this guy not realizing that it's just the final fucking season and they got to kill off the main guy um but yeah i mean i'm assuming it was just a a doll or a stunt double or because they're doing chest compressions and shit no way brian cox was like laying there letting you whack on my chest yeah yeah so the thought that like he i probably didn't show up that would kill brian cox like right for real but imagine it's just funny to think about how how die hard we as fans are like brian cox but i didn't show up to work that day he was probably like i'm not in this scene i'm with my kids yeah you know what i mean you think like i gotta be there to like see it through or whatever he's probably like i don't

have a script for today i'm not you know whatever but it was uh there is one scene you haven't seen it yet right i have not seen it so it's emotional and it's a weird show to get emotional at because it's so sick but like at the end it's like these three kids four kids and they're like um tom is like we think he's dying but i'm gonna hold the phone up to his ear and you guys can like say your final this is on the point yeah okay and so it's like four kids who had obviously a crazy tumultuous relationship with their father but he's dying and they're like going through it like they're they're saying i love you you're gonna be okay and then at one point they're like but you're such a motherfucker and like so it was like emotional and i'm like

i'm getting emotional and it's a weird thing to get like you shouldn't have any empathy for these fucking assholes but you know you do right so i'm like i think that's okay i think so a lot of people like you were honestly like getting emotional people who are mean like yeah i have empathy for people yeah just just people like just other humans wait people are getting calling you out for being emotional during that yeah one of the most emotional episodes okay good good all right a lot of people were like you know a lot people on twitter i'm not gonna be on it anymore uh we're just like you were really like crying about like those people i was like i don't know man like i was thinking about like if my father were to die and i had a horrible relationship with him and i felt like it was all like unfinished business it's sad you keep using operative words

they're people like like they're people who have a lot of money and they're like kind of dickhead sometimes like it's not hitler right they're just other humans yeah the uh and so his logan roy's like girlfriend um assistant sort of thing is freaking out she she comes out and she's like that was nuts almost like laughing like in hysterics but like in shock being like he just he just fucking died and he's she's like half smiling it was like the joker and they like she's like do you want me to help like write a write a statement she's being crazy and they're like why don't you go sit down and calm down and tom wapskams is like he's looking around he's like she's acting like she caught a foul ball at yankee stadium and i went from legit tears to howling laughing like that's exactly what it was like the excitement of just like oh i can't believe it happened oh my god i got the ball

it was so fucking funny but yeah people were like you can't people said that about uh uh uh this is this ties in nicely darren ruff dude dude who got traded to the Mets last year, absolutely sucked. The Mets cut him. He just went back to San Francisco. So an article comes out that right when he got traded to the Mets, his father died. And he had to uproot his family and they were all really happy in San Francisco. And then he also played poorly and it was just like this fucking hellhole of a situation. And he was quoted saying like the New York media media he's like new york is really tough like the media just parrots

whatever the fans say and the fans are really tough and and i was like huh look at that like i don't know maybe the guy had something going on in his life where he didn't perform so great at the job and some people decided to make it like the entire focus of their entire existence obviously talking about frank and just the amount i had a feeling but i actually wasn't 100 the amount of people though like these are millionaires playing a game i will never have sympathy for them it's like a debt a guy's dad died and you're just like, nope, nope, don't have sympathy. Do not. You get paid – your salary is too high. I don't care.

The crazy thing is too is you could almost argue with most athletes their salary is too low. It's a shitload of money. Certainly. But you could argue – and I think Mark Cuban told us that when he's like, oh, Luka Doncic is going to be underpaid his entire life. Now I'm not comparing Luka Doncic to Darren Ruff. But like a lot of athletes – All the more reason. Luka Doncic's going to be underpaid his entire life. Now I'm not comparing Luka Doncic to Darren Ruff, but a lot of athletes, when it's all the more reason,

you feel bad for these rich people? I don't know. Again, people. How rich is Darren Ruff? You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, pretty good, I bet. You think?

I don't even know. I mean, yes, in terms of the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in terms of sports, he's one of the last guys that you should be like. I actually don't even know him well enough. So his net worth is $5 million? That's bullshit. Yeah.

How old is he? If he's getting traded, that means he's already had a contract. There's no baseball contracts worth $5 million. No, but, you know, I don't know. Darren Robbins is not that good, guys. Well, instead of his net worth, look at his contracts. I don't like this. We don't like this isn't

we don't need to make the focal point i'm just curious now so he's making he has a 6.25 million dollar contract two-year contract so it's three per year three million a year your net worth's not going to be much higher you know so like i don't know you know if my dad died today, would people not have any sympathy for me? Because I have, I have no money to die for. The only person I respect in this world is Brett Favre. It's just fucking, I don't know,

man, it's fucking wild. So, um, how big do you think Charles Barkley's asshole is? There's a question for you. One that I never thought I would put out. I don't know how I missed this, but it happened a few days ago.

But if you didn't hear it, Charles Barkley went on his show with EJ on TNT. It's called The Steam Room, which I think is like a post-game wrap-up sort of like podcast video show. Which, by the way, the only clip I've seen of it is this and seems right up our alley yeah because the question was it was a caller and it was a voicemail and they said um if you drop soap on the floor does the soap get dirty or does the floor get clean which we'll have to debate that obviously in a moment and this led to charles barkley saying you know i travel with my own soap right and ej was like what he was like i, you know I travel with my own soap, right? And EJ was like, what? He was like, I travel, and he goes,

I travel with my own big bar of soap, and he specified like big, and I thought that was weird, because he says that hotel soaps are so small that he once almost had an incident where he almost lost it somewhere. And I believe, if i remember correctly during the video he did give a lean like a real hint of like listen there's only one place you can lose a bar so it's not gonna be your mouth and there's only other one other place uh so charles barkley this

also means that charles barkley did lose a bar so Because if you almost have an incident, I don't know, whatever. If you have an incident, then it's like, I once had a bar of soap in my ass. Now, those bars... Like Ralphie in a Christmas story. Those bars can get tiny. There's the ones that are like rectangles and they have the bumps on them.

You know? Those are pretty thin. I know those, yeah. I'm trying to think of the places he would stay. It's not like he's staying at a shell motel that has a little seashell thing. Here's the thing, actually. I was texting with young Henry Meesey the other day. And I was telling him – this is – I don't know why the other day. This is whenever it was.

Last time I was in him – this is – I don't know why I did that. This is whenever it was. Whenever – last time I was in a hotel. And I was giving him credit for every hotel I go to now, the soap, the shampoo, and the body wash are all like in. They're like locked in like almost like under a safe where you just pump it. And I was like, I weirdly, every time I'm in a hotel, I think of you because I like to think, I like to imagine that your scam was running so good. Hotels like the Westin was like, Hank Lockwood is fucking cleaning us out of house and home here. We got to stop this because Hank had a scam where he would just, he's like, why does anyone ever buy soap or shampoo? And he would just like steal them off the cards and shit like that and so i love the notion of why does anybody do something when you can just steal it he's like anyone who fucking buys soap or shampoo is a moron he just took it from every hotel he was in so i just texted him with that about that so first

of all charles charles uh you can only lose your finger in your butt now. There is not a lot of soap, at least in the hotels we stay in. Well, there's still usually bar soap at the sink. True, true, true, true. But it also says I'm such a rule follower. This is like what I did when I cut my finger off the other day. I was mincing up ginger that I had no plan to use. Of course not.

And I do the same thing with like facial soap or hand soap. I'm like, well, that will make my skin come clean off. I think if I put hand soap on my face that I'm just going to like turn into like stone. 100%. 100%. Absolutely.

And, all the same shit in the hotel. It's all trash products. Well, what bag is that going who gives a fuck put it in that one it's like the things you put on top of a garbage can that says recyclable and garbage and it's just the same fucking can but I was saying all that

and that's just a little tidbit for Charles you don't have to bring your own soap anywhere my issue with this my concern with this And that's just a little tidbit for Charles. You don't have to bring your own soap anywhere. My issue with this, my concern with this, is I am now under the impression that I'm not washing my ass right. Well, so this guy. Am I washing my ass wrong? I think you got to.

I mean, Charles Barkley definitely puts a bar of soap up his asshole. He definitely has to blast his ass, right? And then one time he just went... I've never come remotely close to even get in a fucking bar of soap in the mudroom. You never got in there? No. Probably have a dirty ass then, bro.

Is everyone in this room, are you guys shoving bars of soap up your ass? I'm not shoving bars of soap in my ass, but I'm giving it a good scrub. I'll scrub the outside, I'll knock on the door, but I'm not shoving bars of soap in my ass but i'm giving it a good scrub like i i'll scrub the outside i'll knock on the door but i'm not i'm not i'm not gaining entry if you it's only if you like you need to i feel like that's when people you know what what what makes you need to like you have a dirty ass are you you're like god my ass got dirty no you know it's like the dane cook the famous dane famous Dane Cook or Louis C.K., depending on who you believe, like when you have an itchy asshole, you know?

Yeah, but – Or if you're fucking Ari Shaffir, if you have problems in that – Dude, I venture to say days my butt's an itch and I – that's a clean day. That starts in the morning after post-shower. I've never like midday like my ass just started itching i've never had my ass itch john i don't think you're cleaning your ass you get fresh out of the shower and have an itchy barkley you motherfucker

barkley just got john to admit to the whole world he's got a poopy butt barkley i mean who gets out of the shower and feels like their asshole's not clean? Dude, okay. A guy who's not cleaning their asshole. You're right. You're right. You're not right. You're not right. Take that back. I take that back. Because I'm clean. Dude, I'm fucking taking soap and I'm fucking cleaning

it just as clean as I fucking clean my ass. Now I'm sorry. I'm back into a corner now. First of all, I want to be clear about something. I clean my ass. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting like a digit, like a nail, a knuckle in there. I don't think I've ever fingered my ass during shower.

Well, let me tell you something, man. I've never fingered my ass during shower well let me tell you something man maybe i've never figured my otherwise either i didn't pick up on the qualifier during the shower that is um i i think uh i think that charles barkley is some sort of extreme case because i mean we're talking about a literally square peg in a round hole talking about a bar here a rectangle going into very tight round hole so that cannot be good in a literal watertight round hole right right right uh the asshole sphincter technology is what they use to create scuba suits. It really is amazing when you think about it.

What? That it's like, you know, like nothing gets in or out unless you, you know. That's why I don't understand why, well, I don't have to highlight how stupid I am. Like babies should just fall out of women, right? Well, they don't come out of the asshole, John. I know, but. Women don't give birth out of their butt. This is my point, but I've put things in both holes much easier to get it into a vagina than this. Like, exponentially simpler to get things into vaginas than butts.

True. So shouldn't things fall out easier? Have you ever taken something that was between 6 and 10 pounds and put it in a vagina? That is my argument as well it should fall out sooner a bigger like an embryo should just be dropping oh oh oh oh right right right right well it's not in it's not like where the baby grows is knocking on the door you know like it comes it comes it's inside it's like it's like why doesn't your stomach fall out of your pussy it's like it's in there's bro here's the deal here's here's the deal if i

fucking if i lay if i right here's here i'm gonna do a demonstration oh god if i lay like this oh jesus oh fuck please watch the youtube okay if i lay like this uh-huh and you take a knife right uh-huh slice me right here it's all falling out john so you're saying if you were if you were to get uh what's that called disememboweled. It all comes out. Right. What's the difference between a gaping knife wound in my stomach and a vagina? Therein lies the question.

I guess if you were to, I mean, yeah. Where's the vagina sphincter? What you're describing. What you're describing, it would be a c-section if you were to lay down like that and you just lay someone deep which is what all the time is that's why you don't need to see i'll go the other one i'll use i'll use god c-section yo i don't know if we're allowed to but if this title needs to be called Vagina Sphincter. The Vagina Sphincter is what?

By the way, this was the Mean Girls. I had a hundred hits. But I'm a man, so it's funny that I'm dumb. John, you're making us look bad. You're making us as a company look inferior. So true. Like what? So the V the vagina sphincter is what between your uterus and your uh i don't pretend to know either i mean it's it's the craziest system in the world it's the craziest another thing that humans like how we not figure that out all we do is complain and shit babies out like that is nuts that this is the system that like that's that

nature came up with you know like i think eggs and all that shit make way more sense way more yeah you know why don't we well i think the eggs just happened in the stomach yeah but that's fucking crazy yeah yeah oh yeah i'd rather put out a little egg that then grows to be huge on the outside then grow the egg huge on the inside to get a chia pet it's fucking nuts man um but but sir charles now travels with a bar of soap that i would have to imagine is the size of like a brick like he is taking no chances chuck has to check his bag and what's in this? My soap. You need soap. It's my soap.

He should sell a bar of soap now. Yeah. Charles' big soap. It's the size of this fucking thing. That would be so goddamn funny. It's got a big thing on the end like a butt plug. Yes. No, that's the handle.

That's the pop socket. The amount of people. Chuck just said something. I'm not going to get no soap up my asshole I'm buying some Charles Barkley soap it's very

neon type colors and if you squeeze it there's body wash inside so Charles come on the show we'll do some no Charles is invited

on the show he first of all revealed my dirty ass and there's I told this story a while ago I think it's on do some no charles is invited on the show he first of all revealed my like dirty ass and uh and uh there's a i told a story a while ago i think it's on a different podcast and everyone's like just you know charles barkley fucked your girlfriend

no uh like an ex-girlfriend a while back she had a bunch of charles barkley's shirts and she was like she was like i was friends with his daughter and I used to I'm having vague memories of this I used them as like sleep garments oh yeah yeah he fucked you he fucked your girlfriend you don't go sleepy night night in NBA basketball players t-shirts

unless you got dicked down by them you wanna feel like a half a man have your girl walk out in a Charles Barkley fucking button down like she's Grandpa Joe. Half is giving you too much credit and underestimating Charles Barkley. The difference between me and Charles Barkley in terms of manhood is like in the hundreds. I'm like one two hundredth of a man as Charles Barkley. She comes out wearing a Charles Barkley nightgown.

The relationship is over. She come out like she's ready for the ball. I'm going to go sit in the chair tonight. Yeah, no. You still watch the movie. I'm going to go over there. I know this is not true because I'm sure he's just fucking ran through it. I don't think of Charles as like a sexual guy no i mean

well i i i agree with you but like i think of him as like like like sports and funny and like that you know he's a goofy golfer i can't think of him like give him back shots yeah you know i mean he just seems like well guess what now i can oh i miss her i i will say um as far as the soap thing goes like i don't get i don't understand soap at all oh oh on the floor yeah like why soap doesn't get dirty like you know you can tell me like it's the chemical bonding and it bonds to dirt and then it washes off with water like okay whatever this is did you did you see the mirror thing on tiktok oh yeah i have no idea no idea and everyone acting like they do know is a fucking asshole

like the tiktok is why you shouldn't have closed schools during covid it wasn't covid's fault guys because i sit here a learned man a higher edge never missed one day due to covid i don't have a fucking clue how that egg works it was it was uh it worked with mentos too it worked with everything it wasn't just eggs people i was i was really surprised when it was other things i thought it was an egg trick i was like, wait, it works with gum? Wait, now, wait a second. That's not true. I had seen it as an egg so many times. You thought that that thing was about the item and not the mirror? I never really sat down to think about it, and all I saw was egg, egg, egg, egg, egg sauce.

Okay, wait. Now, if people don't know what we're talking about on tiktok somebody took a piece of paper and put it up against a mirror and then held the egg in front of the paper and if you look from the side you can still see the eggs reflection even though the paper is in the way and it says how does the mirror know that the egg is there now yeah i you can tell me the light is refracting and the angle at which you look at the mirror and the egg is why you can see it and i know i understand that but you don't know what the fuck you're talking about but the fact that john thought that it was because it was an egg like if i were to hold a baseball up it would disappear but if you hold i think you can see a baseball

that's a bad example what did you think you would not be able to see or you would be able to see i don't i i hadn't like logically thought about it so it was just like the someone held it up with like you know like the mentos like square not mentos they're like it's a gum whatever kind of gum it is but it's like a square it's almost like designed to fit in the cup holders yeah uh ice ice breakers whatever it is yeah and someone had that and I was like, now, hang on. Wait a minute. The icebreakers can be seen. Does that mean everything?

Somebody said to me, bro, it's just the same way your eyeballs work. I was like, I don't know how that works. I'm always completely befuddled by the fact that we can see things based on, you know, light goes in and then it refracts upside down and then your brain makes an image like that all unless you are an exceptionally smart person you don't know what the fuck's going on either and it's the same facts to me it's the same motherfuckers who say how does a plane fly lift how does a boat fly uh float surface tension buoyancy you're just saying words and that yes that's the answer but show your

work how'd you get there you don't fucking know oh speaking of well i can't say no because it's out tomorrow your boy really fucking fucked up on the dozen oh no this is this is so embarrassing well it's not really embarrassing i don't give a fuck that a shit. Yeah, but the dozen is a funny thing. It doesn't matter, but it does matter. Yeah. It's like I hate when people get like pissy about it and like fight over it, but I do really care about like getting things right and winning and losing because it's like the only competition I have left.

So when I do get something wrong, I mean, the other day, the bonus round for me was not shows, not people, shows that had a best actor nomination. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I couldn't think of one. I just totally froze up on the spot. And I was like, I'm half a man. I'm a fraud. I'm not even the man I purport to be.

I watch TV all the time, and I couldn't come up with one answer. It's been haunting me. Math for you is you get a free pass. How bad was it it's pretty bad so um those are scary ones by the way when it's a number answer and some people answer like 600 and some people are like 250 million it's the same question it's like whoa well i wasn't like crazy off it was just i wasn't exact because i can't do math it was almost like like in in sunny when it's like charlie it's like, by the way, that new movie with Charlie looks unbelievable.

He wrote, directed. It's called Fool's Paradise. It's like a pretty unique, it's got everyone's in it. He wrote it, he directs it, he's in it. It looks great. But it's when they yell at him like, you're fucking,

your literacy has screwed us again. Yeah, you're mathematical lacking. Fuck this over. what was the question the question was how many days it was it wasn't a bonus round but it was the it was the double show the you had to show the yeah number yeah and it was how many days has grace of anatomy been on air and i was like can i use a calculator and they're like no because i know they just filmed season 17 oh okay so i couldn't do 17 times 365 that's hard though right so but i could write things down but i also couldn't do so i was like all right we'll just

knock off i'll make it 300 write things down on the dozen on this question we were allowed to do like math work yeah and so i was like i but i can't do as i'm not gonna do in time 300 times 17 writing down i wasn't even sure if I knew how to do long division multiplication. You could write numbers out and multiply this one and then carry the one over to that one. I wasn't positive that was how you do it. I was doing that, but I wasn't positive that was how you do it. John. And then so I was like, well, I can't do 365.

That's too much math. So I'll knock that down to 300. Right. And then I was like, I can't do times 17 because that's too hard. So knock it down to 10. So I'll do 15 and I'll do 20. And i did 300 times 15 i did 300 times 20 and 300 times 20 looked too high 6 000 so i went with 300 times 15 like 4 500 or whatever it was and went with that and the correct answer was like 6 000 something something and i was like if i had been

able to use a calculator or if i'd known how to do math, I'd have gotten this on my fucking head. That's not so bad. I was expecting way worse. So, I mean, it's dumb. The fact that you basically just admitted you can't do multiplication. Dude, I say it. I don't think I know I'm doing the equation right. So, like, you would do 3, 6, 5 times 1, 7. You would do 7 times 5

and then carry the 3. 7 times 6 plus 3. Put that number there. You could probably do it now that I'm confident. And then those ones up yeah okay yeah that's what i did all that right but i was like as i was doing it i was like as i say that like i have not done that in a minute yeah writing it down so like i would have to be like oh wait and then you move that over there and but yeah you should know i did i did all the the equations were right but i wasn't sure i was doing the right thing i was like i might be just adding these. I'm not sure. Not terrible, though.

Not terrible. Okay. Today's show is brought to you by the Barstool Sportsbook, the one and only sportsbook of Barstool Sports. The Barstool Sportsbook is made for you, the loyal fans and listeners, and is the only place to find exclusive picks and parlays from Big Cat and Dave. Now offering a $1,000 bonus for new players. If your first bet loses, get up to $1,000 in bonus cash.

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code KFC to unlock your $1,000 bonus. That's the Barstool Sportsbook with code KFC. Terms apply. Must be 21+. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. I don't know where we just ended, but we had a bunch of interviews, and then Kevin had Terms apply. Must be 21 plus. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. All right. I don't know where we just ended, but we had a bunch of interviews.

And then Kevin had to leave because he has the kids. So now you have a new show. It's John and Jackie. Yeah. We're bringing the heat today, baby. Okay. We're going to go quick. What would you want me to say there?

Oh, I just meant, oh, I was counting myself. I meant like we, John and Jackie, are bringing the heat today. Okay, so we're going to fire off quick. We'll get to our interview with Ben Schwartz, get to voicemails, get to him out of the asshole. We're going to do a quick out-of order recap because jackie has watched at least some of it so funny uh pavs has seen all of it before we get to that i want to tell a story that i heard recently and it is a nightmare for for hot is this about what you were talking about before? Penises. Yeah. And so for all our uncircumcised listeners, I'm sure there are many, many freaks.

And I know we've been mean to you. You should have just sat here. I'm going to be looking at you. Are you sure you are? I'm talking penis. I'm not going to make eye contact with you one time. But no, I actually will because this goes further. So I'm hanging out with a buddy recently who's uncircumcised.

And he's just talking. He's – I don't want to name him. But he's just talking. He's, he's, I don't want to name him, but he's just talking. He's telling me a story. And he just drops this line where I'm like, what the fuck? And I just let it keep going. But then he was like, did you know what I meant there? And I said, I absolutely didn't know what you meant there. And he, the line was, and I'm trying to protect his identity here.

He's like, he's like, you know, I'm fucking this girl. And I just snap her. I snap me banjo string. And. Wait, and I snapped her? I snap me banjo string. And I was like, what does that fucking mean and he's like he's like do you know what a piece that's it's an irish man that's a buddy of mine and you probably know who i'm talking about now

and um and he's like he's like do you know the piece that connects the fucking the horse getting to the tip of the head and i was like no dude i don't i'm fucking normal and and i'm i'm literally abnormal is i'm not in my in god's creation i was not in god's creation at a very young age and and he's like explain this and i don't know i guess i just don't have any circum uncircumcised friends it's a rather regular thing i guess it's happened to him it's happened to buddies of his and you snap your banjo string which is what when you said snap i thought it was like a recoil yeah yeah okay all right yeah no it's not like a popular cherry like it's not like a phrase for lost your virginity i guess there is

the same mutilation of genitalia involved but but you're having sex with somebody and i guess you thrust too hard or what therefore, it forces your skin to pull back harder. And it just snaps that piece of skin. And I was like, what does it feel like? He's like, it stings, stings, stings, stings for like a whole week and a half. And it is, he said, you feel it just pop. pop well i'm trying to logistically picture this so it's i've never seen like the inside of an uncircumcised dick so i don't really i guess it's in there somewhere looking down the fucking barrel hole of it and the it gets it just snaps

and he's like he's like him and other buddies he's talking about i've been sleeping with women and and they just feel it's just a pop it doesn't hurt that bad it just feels like you feel a pop and then he says when you pull out it turns into a game of thrones episode where he's like blood is spraying everywhere what the and and and he's like he's like he's seen a bathroom afterwards where the image i have in my head is the horse sneezing with a nosebleed where it's just fucking blood everywhere dude he said he was talking there him and his buddies were talking about it one day one time and and his buddy like gets up and just takes the sheet off his bed and rolls his mattress up and it's just blood stained everywhere and i'd never heard of this before

i it had never crossed my mind that such a thing is even possible but it's yet another reason why you should be circumcised. Aside from aesthetically speaking, it is apparently if you snap your banjo, and they talk about it like it's just like a rite of passage. You just snap your banjo string. And I'm going to Google it right now. I'm fighting the urge to put this into Google. I'll Google it.

The small tag of skin on the underside of your penis between your foreskin and the shaft of your penis is called the frenulum or banjo string. The frenulum is sometimes tight and can tear usually during sex. Sometimes the tear may not heal probably. Oh, yeah, by the way, there's no surgery or anything like that. Afterwards, you just go around

and you just don't have a banjo string anymore. It doesn't get fixed. Oh, so it is like popping a cherry. I guess, yeah. You don't go to surgery. It anymore. It doesn't get fixed. Oh, so it is like popping a cherry. I guess, yeah. You don't go to surgery. It's just like you let it bleed out. It stops bleeding after a little while, and then it stings in the shower.

Are you bleeding out the tip? No, I think. So is it stretching out? I picture like a bat's wing getting ripped in half. Oh. I picture like a bat's wing getting ripped in half. Or like the little leather thing. Yeah, yes, exactly that. That's what I'm picturing. Exactly that, yes.

Yeah, but if you extrapolated the size of that thing under your tongue, that could appear to be a bat wing. And then it's just getting fucking sliced in half. And then blood goes everywhere. could that could appear to be a batwing and then it's just getting fucking sliced in half and then blood goes everywhere he said one time when not one time he said the only thing that happened to i forget it was him or one of his buddies he was having sex with a girl and wasn't sure it was like he's kind of the same thing when you're having sex with a girl in a period like damn she's getting and and then and then when he finished and pulled out it just like came out really lava like like blood just started spilling out oh my god oh my god she probably like thought that

something was wrong with her yeah i'd imagine so If blood starts coming out of a hole in my body, regular blood. If another person's blood was spilling out of me, I would take the fucking bar of soap. Jack's bar of soap. I would shove that thing so far in my body. Oh my god. I think that's how you get AIDS. Yeah. Someone's blood flowing out of you like a river.

That's a direct shot AIDS shot right there. It's a direct shot right there. It's a direct shot. That's fucking some intravenous AIDS right there. So yeah, that was just a quick little tale I wanted to tell to everybody. Get your

foreskin snipped, otherwise you might snap your bandages. What a beautiful tale. By the way, how is golf been going? Pretty good. Well, the video that Viva La Stool posted, it did not look like it was going pretty good. Wait, Viva posted the video? Yeah, of you taking a swing.

At Chelsea Piers? Yeah. I smoked that ball. 30 miles to the left. The one that they posted, you are crouched. I thought I was sure there was only one posted because i only retweeted reposted one that's the thing you posted one i don't think it was the one that you posted oh i didn't even know they posted this you've been off the grid i'm all yeah i'm off that bitch i don't even know my official accounts

are fucking tagging me and shit are you still on 16 minutes of screen time? No. But I'm still not looking. I wouldn't see this unless I just happened. Because now when I open Twitter, I just scroll to the top. I just hit double tap. It's like right to the top. And then I look at a few things to see if anything

astronomical has happened, and I kind of just fuck off. And I go cheat on the New York times mini. Um, but anyway, but no, like Trent and my golf buddies were texting me like, like,

yo, that's a good swing. Let me take a look. It's a solid old man with a lot of money swing. All right. I'll give you that. I got half of it. I'm a,

I move like I'm a thousand years old. That's going straight every time. When I see that swing. Yeah, dude, I was fucking piped. It's going to be an easy day. He's going to pay a lot. Yeah, dude, that's right. I live, doesn't matter what club I hit, I'm about a buck fifty.

Dude, I could hit a fucking pitching wedge and a driver the same distance um but i'm gonna take some lessons this weekend so we're gonna we're gonna start adding some fucking girth to my drive this actually reminds me i um i mean i've been bowling like motherfucker recently and really really good like first time i used bumpers, and I was like, okay. Like, I'm killing this, but, like, I have bumpers. Second time, no bumpers. Killed it. I'm killing it.

But we talked a little out of order earlier. And it premiered last night. I guess if anyone who hasn't watched, recommend they watch both of you wait what you work you recommend that people watch i don't sorry i do not know what we're talking about yeah sorry yeah she just went somewhere else i just completely shut up um wait no i watched the the welcome sorry i was in tears crying. It was so fucking funny.

This one I think is going to be even better than the second one, based on what I saw. You've seen the full thing? I've seen the full thing. I've seen the full thing a couple times. I don't know why I just asked the editor if he's seen the full thing. I've seen the full thing all the way through like three times, and I'm still laughing.

I think that last time, even though i probably watched the same amount i was laughing but this time even despite how many times i watched i'm laughing a lot more and it's just i thought this one was gonna be funny yeah in the in just being there for recording it what is your order of favorites my favorite is homecoming homecoming um i don't think you've seen any of that my second favorite is mose and i think that the intro is like a really like perfect way to just intro the show did you end up keeping the words on that yeah we did yeah yeah um and then the fight fighting is fighting came out great yeah yeah we i've only heard fighting because they were editing it in the room and i was dying

laughing just at the audio of it. Really? So we pulled that one together. Is that one in black and white? No, it's in black and white. So that day we had like no camera equipment, no lighting, no mics, nothing. So we just had to go with our two vlog cameras. And so we just made it all black and white and put a ton of filters on it and it came out looking really, really – like we planned to do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was in advance. Like that's how it came out looking. So I think it's a four for four episode. There's not a single second that's like oh this isn't great i hope you're right and i also watched homecoming and that one was really really really fucking funny you say you've seen two i've seen two in this episode you threw up on yourself you fell to the floor really hard i fucking fucking sold that shit. You cried twice. And you shoot someone in the head. It's a full display.

Empty in the fucking clip on that one. Oh, man. All right. We'll do Am I the Asshole? Then we'll do voicemails. And then we will go the fuck home. Because I've been up since 5 o'clock this morning, and that's a long time for me. Paz is like, I was editing until 5 a.m.

All right. Am I the Asshole? Let me pull up this email from an anonymous person. Where is it here? Okay, here it is um i work at a media company that shall not be named and i don't know why they added that i wasn't gonna read it out loud that's crazy um and And in order to inspire my team, the management has begun issuing game stickers, they say.

Game stickers for jobs well done. They say this is in comparison to the Ohio State football team and the Buckeyes they place on their silver iconic helmets. Am I the asshole for wanting to throw these in the trash and burn the entire building down the second they read that in a meeting?

Sincerely, Anonymous. I wasn't going to read your name either. That's a tough one. I mean, they're just trying to inspire you. It is. It was one of those things where when companies become big corporations, they start to do things that are antithetical to their original message. And you can't really blame them for that.

But on the other hand, you can't really flame blame them for that but uh on the other hand you can absolutely blame them for being impossibly lame um i don't think you're the asshole for wanting to throw those stickers away i think that maybe some people here are feeling like they're not, they're a little too young at a company to start opining on how the sticker situation goes. So they're remaining silent, but it's an anonymous company. It's yeah, but it's hashtag not my anonymous media company.

I don't know i mean that company is getting out of hand it is um i don't know i i i guess it depends where you work like if you work at a company where for instance the entire third floor has been turned into an amusement park for mini golf that's just where you work now that's just how it is not narrowing it down that like there's no no that would never happen if you think i'm talking about any specific company put those ideas away. Yeah, that's disheartening. You know what the problem with that is? It's the fucking youngins.

That's your Gen Z bullshit. I'm going to turn it over. Why are you turning it over? I'm going to turn it to my golf swing real quick. This is your participation trophy era. What I love about the participation trophy era as now a 34-year-old, what I've learned about it is you just pawned it off onto the generation before you. Like I bet my dad got participation trophies, but they called us the participation generation. I got participation trophies of the wazoo.

More participation trophies than they could even make. You're having a really hard time saying participation trophies. I'm not doing good. I'm not doing good. I've been up since 5 a.m., Jacqueline. And now that I'm an older man and a person who should have a life and should have his own family and children and things like that, now I'm calling the youngins. You guys are the participation trophy era. You guys need your

fucking stickers for a job well done. Do you know how many times I've been told job well done in my life? Like three times. And that's got nothing to do with my work output. It's got everything to do with people withholding praise from me. And you fucking people at this fucking anonymous

media company are it was like how do people know i did a good job they know you did a good job by doing a good job that's how you know anyway unless you have seven stickers i don't respect you i think i think the only way to make it all right is if we could take stickers away but you should be able to walk up and just rip them off you lost a sticker today I think that's fair, that's fair play but do you have to put it on your laptop?

no, as I heard it was explicitly said that you can throw them away if you want which is fair, you're giving someone money a sticker, whatever, you can do what you want with it. You can throw it away. You can keep it. You can go buy yourself a nice pair of sunglasses.

But that's – I mean if anybody has one of those stickers on their laptop, that is so narky. That is so – What do you call it? Narky. Narky? I mean I guess it's not narky, but it's just like you're going to show off your gold star. I'm in complete agreement with you I can eventually

guess I could suss out the definition more in a sense it's like you're a kiss ass not narky but like just and this is a word used by the participation trophy generation yeah no no I'm just making sure the youngins are using it yeah the youngins are all up i don't know how to finish that they're fucking banjo string deep in

that's deep oh my gosh Oh my gosh. That's Nick and Artery deep. Wait, so is the banjo string because they're going deep? Or it's just like the thrust? I think it's the thrust and the depth. Then pulls it back to the length that it's not often pulled back to. And like anything with too much tension, pops. Do you think some girls are like, yeah, I got the vice grip. I'll rip your fucking banjo so you gotta tell him it's not about it's not about fucking grip strength it's about

depth um uh anyway yeah congratulations to everyone who has a fucking sticker on their laptop voicemails brought to you by jackie that voice Pirate Water it is the hottest drink in the world that is not an exaggeration we used to say it before anyone gave us numbers now we have numbers

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Pirate Water comes in margarita. That's my favorite flavor is the margarita. There's a sex on the beach. That's my least favorite sex position. It for a good time. You know what we mean by that. Pirate water. It comes in margarita. That's my favorite flavor. It's a margarita. There's a sex on the beach. That's my least favorite sex position. It is a delicious drink. There is the Miami Vice and there is the Pina Colada, right? Bahama Mama.

There's the Bahama Mama. As I said, put them on ice. Drink them out of the can. put them in a brown bag, put them in a slushy machine, do whatever you want. They will do whatever they want to you. It is, it's just a, a rip in good time. Go to drinkpiratewater.com for a location near you, or you can order it on GoPro, GoPuff, or you can order on GoPuff.

I can't, I really. I really can't. I cannot wait until it's summer, which it is. It's 80 degrees here, but I cannot wait to be back home just by the beach, by the pool, have a fucking pirate water in hand, pirate water can in hand, and just drink the summer dry. I can't wait. Get on my level. DrinkPirateWater.com orcom or go puff you'll like it okay let's get the voicemails all right so this is more of an am i the asshole kind of situation so one day i'm playing call of duty with my mom my aunt and a few randoms and she says out of nowhere oh my god my daughter's having a boy that's so crazy

and so for the next few days i make fun of her for having a big mouth telling everybody so then about a week later me my sister my mom and my brother-in-law are all smoking drinking having a good time he's trying to plan to party with my mom and then out of nowhere i tell him like well don't even don't even give her no credit you know what she did on call of duty she told everybody that you're having a boy. And now everybody knows. She ruined the secret. And he was like, what? And I was like, and I looked around and saw everyone's horrified faces and I realized

your boy fucked up. So anyway, who's the bigger asshole? My mom for telling everybody on Call of Duty or my sister for having an annoying ass gender reveal party? I think it's your mom for playing Call of Duty. I'm thinking about that right now.

This whole family's just squatting up. I think I don't mean to get sexist, but I think women of a certain age shouldn't play video games you know what women have been beating this drum for a while now that men don't play video games men you know real men are not in the virtual world real men don't waste their time with their buddies playing fantasy football and that kind of thing.

I think in the spirit of equality, women should not be playing video games. Can't say that. I said it. I do think it's weird. I'll say that she's playing a video game. This is what I'm saying. You can't say that. I'm not saying. I know. Obviously saying obviously woman can but it does take me

back it makes me go oh that's oh oh that's a little peculiar yeah but good for her it's also weird that they're playing together i think a little bit i i uh yeah i could see that but also like i think an old i imagine this is an old not old woman but an older woman a woman of some she's got veteran leadership on the planet that's what i'm saying um and uh i think that she'd probably have a bad time in a video game where like people would be mean to her if there's they're telling first of all she's revealing family secrets family series i'm very much a let's keep shit in house kind of guy. Don't go

telling... I like to tell everybody everything. I was going to say, I don't know, my version of this is the family group chat. We get fucking loose in there sometimes by the other half. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, I have the family group chat. Me, you. That's sad for you? Yeah, I don't know why. It just also reminds me I have to respond to my family group chat me you did that's that's sad for you yeah i don't know why it just also reminded me i

have to respond my family group chat i think my family group chat is is used very little very very very very rarely um the yeah the i i would say so so he's what was the what was the gender reveal party? I don't know if he specified what it was. He didn't specify. It was just gender reveal party in general. It is a little passe. The gender reveal party. The gender reveal party has been through all iterations where it's been

hot in the streets then hated by the internet. It was beloved by the internet hated by the internet. Usually was beloved by the internet hated by the internet usually you just die after that usually like that doesn't keep going it seems like and if you're still doing something after something's already run its life course on the internet it's exceptionally lame wait gender reveal yeah okay um i actually love them i've never been invited on maybe that's where my issue comes from.

I was going to ask, but I don't think any of us in this room are qualified. Are you having a gender reveal party and then still having a baby shower? I would think they happen together. But they don't know what to get you because they don't know the gender. But don't you just do the fucking registry? But they don't know gender. I was thinking about this the other day, actually. I came to nothing.

About gender reveal parties? I had a room full of no. What a great contribution, Doc. Jackie. I'm not contributing much either. Two gender jackies i get the worst nicknames anyways that was a really deep thought

you really want us to really start the video if of you saying the n-word huh yeah this is actually great when we do this to you because it either you put it out and that's good or it just makes your editing job harder every time there's like a five second pause in this podcast jackie no no i'm not saying the n-word that's why i'd say when you guys yell at me if you're not having the mic up like it doesn't affect you it affects me yeah but like why do you guys care i'm trying to help you i know but like i'll deal with my own problems i'll clean up my own fucking mistakes gotta be the be honest

it's the first time i've seen your levels all day the the jackie watching jackie's uh journey with the microphone is very much the embodiment digressing oh yeah no you are but it is like and i don't care one way or the other but it is it is very much that i don't live and learn i just live we're like it's a it's a it's a mistake that's been repeated we're upwards of 100 times now yeah and it's funny because i know to do it it just feels so selfish like the act of just like what if a ghost comes and wants to use it a what a ghost there's like perhaps has his own mind like you're not taking a mic remember when i got raped by the ghost remember when i got raped by the ghost it came from like the ceiling right yeah

i vaguely remember the ghost rape you vaguely remember the ghost rape i remember i'll never forget him i like the picture it was like a like a civil war general for the wrong side of course I'll never forget him. I like to picture him as like a civil war general for the wrong side. No, it was like he didn't have legs. It was a costume. Not that he was legless.

But he had a dick. Did he have a banjo string? Oh. I had a ghost snap his banjo string in my hooch last night it was just a whole mess oh man um all right i'm gonna give this one to your mom dude video games i think that's it you know like i remember when i was a kid like my buddy like my friend's dad played video games and like i was in like third grade i was think that's it. I remember when I was a kid, my friend's dad played video games.

I was in third grade and I was like, that's so sick, dude. Your dad plays video games. I had to middle school. I was like, tell your dad to fucking grow up. I take back the woman thing. I stand by all women playing video games of all ages. Yeah? Yeah.

That's the hill you want to die on? Hmm. Yeah? Yeah. Does the hill you want to die on? Hmm. Cool. What's up, it's Jack Deplasnik, carry of seniors of the crew. To keep it short, I got a quick little question that I just threw out any time I'm out with my boys. A little conversation starter, maybe on a date.

Probably not on a date, but... What celebrity would you be saddest if you found out they were a sexual offender, child predator, whatever? All right, have a good one. Peace. Dude, Drake would crush me. If I found out that Drake...

That would surprise me. My guy's still in shambles because Millie Bobby Brown. Did you see that she's engaged? To me, that's what Jason Shambles is about. Oh, sorry. That's not. Yeah, I wholeheartedly put my stand of approval on the Millie Bobby Brown engagement because she used Taylor Swift lyrics to announce it. What did she say again? I don't know. She said. It was funny because I read that. she used Taylor Swift's lyrics to announce it.

What did she say again? I don't know. She said... It was funny because I read that. I was like, that was beautiful. Really? I thought that she came up with it. Did you really? Yeah.

Nope, that was Taylor. What did she say? Oh, she said, I've had three summers with you. Now I want them all. Got it. But she's 19. Old enough to party am i right she's also it i we've talked about this before too like it is i don't know who her fiance is

but like when you're a 19 jovi's kid oh really yeah i'm just thinking of banjo string oh bon jovi left his fucking banjo string on the jersey shore um does it come off no it just snaps okay um but like yes she's 19 in in earthly years but she's like a,000 in experience. She's been famous since she was what? 10 maybe? Nine years of hardcore fame is a fucking long time. She's remotely normal.

Get married and get out. What was I going to say here? But the person who surprised me the most, it's certainly not Drake. Though I don't think he is. But I wouldn't be like, what? The guy who texted with a child a lot? The guy who was Millie Bobby Brown when she was a kid.

She was a kid kid. The guy who was like Millie Bobby Brown's go-to in the entertainment world. You tell me he was doing some weird film stuff? I feel like there's something else here with him but maybe not the this could go so many ways Dan Levy for some reason if I can get if I can get I don't want to... Six times Drake allegedly told the young girls, this guy? He's just helping them out. He's just like, shut up! Again, I like Drake until he does something bad,

but I'm just saying it wouldn't shock me. For some reason, the first one that came to mind was... Pass is like, all right, all right, you're right about Drake.

Probably Kevin Spacey. What were you going to say? I forget his name. Robin Williams. Robin Williams would be. I don't know why I was thinking. You said Robin so hard. I was like, somebody that played Robin, like Batman and Robin?

I thought you were saying with a Y. It's going to mess me up if Robin. Robin's so hard. I was like, somebody that played Robin, like Batman and Robin? I thought you were saying with a Y. Oh, like the singer? Like Robin Robbins? It's going to mess me up if Robin. It's a sexual predator. No. Robin Williams was the first thing that came to mind. And that would be tough.

I actually just kind of talked over myself. So I said dan levy uh and i said that strictly because he was gay because that would surprise me that gay people were being predators in hollywood and then before i had that full thought i made the kevin spacey joke about paths and um that takes gay people of the. Gay people can be pieces of shit too it turns out. I feel like a lot of sexual predators are actually pretty like – not gender fluid but like – A hole is a hole. A hole is a hole. They actually seem like they fuck a lot of –

They're like Charles Barkley's soap. Doesn't matter to me. So good for them on that. Any Boston Bruin would really destroy me any car in Boston Bruin I still think it's crazy that Predators

the Preds you go around saying I'm a Predator it's just fucking crazy like I'm the national Predators you mean yes but it would be funny if one of Yes. Yeah. So it would be but it would be funny if one of

them was a Predator. It would be. I don't think that's their ice-breaking line. Hello. Nice to meet you.

I'm a Predator. You don't have to say that. You have to say that. You'd probably say I play for the Predators.

I guess. Yeah. I would guess they'd say I play for Nashville. But you don't say that in Nashville. Yeah. I guess. I think you say i play for nashville but you don't say that in nashville yeah i guess i think you say i play for the predators they're not their hockey team you say that in nashville no i'm kidding they're very popular team um all right so yeah any boss

bruin's david ortiz uh zeno chara um tom brady um mine's gonna be pretty sports heavy now that i'm starting to really think about it um tom brady tom brady tom brady's pain i feel i think like tom brady and i have a connection yeah we're like like twin type shit only one of us was deformed in the womb like uh like when tom brady gets a divorce oh yeah that hurts me Ben Affleck, Matt Damon I just like air Tom Brady does like kiss his son on the mouth but that's like people it's unique and rare but it's not like

what the hell he's not having his kid suck his tongue like the fucking Dalai Lama you're asking this this week when like the Daly llama's out there sucking tongues is fucking yeah yeah but like that wouldn't affect me it didn't affect me i was like that's fucking weird but i didn't lose my faith over it the other like if i found out priests were fucking young boys well then i would be destroyed um it's a horse of a different color

yeah mine's basically anything in boston once i threw damon and uh affleck into the mix any boston celebrities like dane cook for instance that would be terrible he married like an 18 year old girl uh you're sticking with robin williams you're sticking with a post-mortem someone i don't know why i can't think of someone someone waited 10 years for robin williams to die and like all right time to get this motherfucker i can't think of a single person i guess like my favorite celebrity is is miles teller and so i would miles that would be yeah he's quite beloved that'd be a quite a shock that'd be a good one

the uh he's got a cute little thing on his girlfriend's girlfriend wife yeah kaylee kay i think that's her name yeah that would that would rock me pavs drake david oh yeah david right david right once you brought up sports like david right would fucking crush me when jose the ceo of found of vitamin water is that what yeah he is no he's a ceo but he was like uh he was like their first mega marketing guy. It was like him and 50, I think. Nicholas? I think The Rock would like crumble an entire industry. Yeah.

Because like so many things, so much money is put in around him. You'd watch like hundreds of people lose their jobs. Yeah. Yeah, The Rock probably. Tom Cruise saved Hollywood. Speaking of. yeah yeah the rock pie tom of tom cruise saved hollywood speaking of um the uh the uh yeah you would add tom cruise to my list of i wouldn't be super um but the uh yeah tom cruise saves hollywood with top gun too the rock could bring it to its knees with a sex scandal i guess guess who's also the number one who you

would be like, yeah, that makes sense. Huh? Who's the number one who you'd be like, yeah, that makes sense. Drake, probably. Alright, last voicemail. God, I'm fucking... Fights, congrats on setting the new single season record. As a Habs fan, it hurts, but you gotta you it got me thinking though I saw you're at the game there you've been to a lot of

big games with Boston and New England area and I was thinking what would be the game that you've attended that meant the most to you game I've attended that meant the most to you? Game I've attended that meant the most to me? Probably game three of the 2004 World Series. Because that was a very difficult ticket to get. And my dad got two and gave them to

me and my borderline baby and gave them to me and my borderline baby brother at the time and was like, I just want you two to go experience this. And it was 0-4. The Sox and Boston Sports were... Is that the one with the walk-off home run? No, that was the Sox. I don't remember what the score was. The Sox just fucking plugged everybody that whole...

Not everybody, but they plugged the Cardinals every game. It was a sweep uh but the way it does not get formed so game two game two uh because the game it was home to home to away uh so game two of the 2004 world series um would bed that would be it because that was a i was very young i was, so I was 15 probably. And that was like, oh, my dad just doesn't even want to have fun. He wants us to have fun.

That's so sad. But no, it was very sweet. But it was like, if we're talking about the most meaningful game I've been to, that was like a, I was in the process of becoming a man i was young huh when was that two and four so i was 15 um but i was i was going through puberty and i was like oh i know appreciating more things your parents do for you and realizing what being an older person entails more and more rather than just you know getting dirt on your jeans and i thought even in the moment and even more so looking back on it now that that was like i was like oh this is a very big jet like he

i mean again it's like the red sox hadn't the curse the bambino still existed the red sox were playing in the world series in boston my dad lived through all of it and he's like no you two go and uh he dropped us off like drove us to boston dropped us off and like drove us to Boston, dropped us off, and then picked us up after the game. So that would be the most meaningful or life lesson game there. Hopefully that's like a woes that clip right there. Keep going on that sappy shit. That's cute though. What's your most meaningful game, Jacqueline? I don't know.

Pavs, Nick, you go's your most meaningful game, Jacqueline? I don't know. Pavsnik, you go first. Most meaningful game? What was that? Most meaningful sports game you've been to? Also, in that same vein, the 2000, and I actually kind of guessed the other side of that coin, in the 2018 Super Bowl, where I got to take my dad and my brother. Oh, yeah. So that was kind of...

I guess those are two sides of my... Full circle. ...growing up adulthood, so to speak. Here's how it is. And then... You can never repay a ticket to the 2004 World Series because they've never done it. People, like, grown adults around Boston Boston, like the curses are real.

We're never going to win a World Series. So going to the Patriots' sixth Super Bowl doesn't exactly repay it. But, yeah, fun little thing. 06, I believe it was game five. John Mayne pitched a shutout for the Mets. And, like, the story behind it is like so oh six i'd be like seven years old we went to a bar mitzvah like two nights before and or maybe like a week before and i was in the bed there's like no tvs throughout the whole thing and there was

like a little mini tv in the bathroom so i stayed inside the bathroom for the entire bar mitzvah to watch all nine innings of this game and thinking back this is kind of weird but a guy came out to me in the bathroom it was like you watch it and you're hanging out watching the mets and then he like i guess went over to my dad and like got like our contact information and it was like when the mets go to the playoffs like i'm gonna send you guys tickets and we sat front row just because this guy like just witnessed me like just like saw me just like in the bathroom just like on the sink just watching the game i know drake was a bets fan what's up thinking back it was a cool story my whole life and now i'm like maybe that's a little weird but yeah that one that was and then they lost the series. Nicholas? You want a cheesy one?

Sure. About a year and a half ago, went to a Mets game. It was the first one I went to with Christy and we ditched everyone and we just went out to center field where there's all the drinking. Spent the whole time with her

and that's when I was like, oh, I'm in love with this girl. Look at everybody be it all sweet but yeah that that one probably the most important game in my life uh i mean i would have probably realized it regardless but uh yeah that and then there's i didn't go to many games with my family growing up all those were an incredible time though like there were some mother's day ones and stuff like that we went to for like with my family growing up all those were an incredible time though like there were some mother's day ones and stuff like that we went to for like with my mom and grandma and uh those were all great but those ones in that same vein i'll add a uh a um red sox game summer of 2005 summer of 2005

I went to a Red Sox game and crushed four Budweiser energy drinks and then just ate pussy. Sometimes I'm like, I can't believe that John came up with Saturdays for the boys. But then like,

you are just you you all kind of fucking pussy uh 16 year old on four butt energy does the only thing you should do on four butt energy is go to jail and i hate For like an entire OAR album. Oh, man. All right. Now it's time for our interview with Ben Schwartz. Go see Redfield. It's out this weekend. I'm very excited to see it myself. Ben's the man.

Ben's the best. We love him with all our dear hearts. Thank you very much. We love you too. Goodbye. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Ho,

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,

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ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, Joy. The boys are back. Everybody's back. We've had the longest day and the only thing getting me through it was, you know what? We got Ben at the end of the day. If this was any other interview to cap off this day, I would have been like, cancel it! We're not doing it! 5.30.

5.30 p.m. You guys have obviously been through a shitty day, and here we go. You can see it on our faces. Let's go. What do you think, first of all? Can you get a good shot of The Mess's hair? The Mess's hair is looking fine. I'm always rooting for The Mess.

I've been a big fan of The Mess and Taylor Swift's journey. Huge fan of it. Big fan of him trying to reach his dreams and show his full potential. And I'm very – the bun is a choice and it's fine. What does it look like unraveled? Can you unravel it? Yeah, show him the full effect. The bun is a choice and it's fine. What does it look like? Can you unravel it? Yeah. Show him the full effect.

You know what he looks like? The bad guy from that. How do you like them apples argument in Goodwill? He looks like that guy. He was always quite aspirational for me. This is a really good question for you. So John is a part of a new sketch comedy show at Barstool. One episode in rousing success. When I tell you that it was the most positively received and reviewed thing

in Barstool history, a place that we know can be toxic, where everybody, even the diehard fans are like, fuck you. That sucked. I'm talking like 99% success rate. Everybody loved it. Episode two comes out. Probably might even be out by the time we're listening to this. So it's now a big project for him. And it seems like there's a 50-50 split between people working on the show that he should have the long hair because it just opens up up more doors to this guy has a ponytail and this guy is

crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. John was, he could play like the, the son of remember revenge of the nerds. What was the,

what was the jock and revenge of the nerds? What was his name? I don't know. I don't remember, but I know the look. Yeah. It has that, you know,

potential, but you were kind of saying you want to just be like a clean-cut normal guy. It's easier to be an everyman with regular hair. Like now he's a – Wait, what's the sketch show? What are the sketches? Do you guys write the sketches and you perform it? The Mask, are you a great actor?

I wouldn't be surprised if you can really act. Ben, I'm not kidding. He hates when I do this and he gets – he clams up. I bet he's good. He is phenomenal. I genuinely think if this – if life had just gone a different way and he, like, did it more, like, classically trained or whatever, he would have been an actor and still has time to be.

He's a legitimate actor. That's very nice of you to say, I think. What does it feel like when you're doing sketches the most? Does it feel great? That's, like, for me, like, when I do comedy What does it feel like when you're doing sketches the most? Does it feel great? That's like for me, like when I do comedy, it feels different than when I'm doing other things. Does it feel like you're in your zone? Does it feel like you're in the place you're supposed to be?

He's going to get so uncomfortable. No, I can honestly answer it. No, it feels slightly different, but it feels more or less when I'm doing the podcast, where I'm like, I guess, yeah, where I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It feels slightly different, but it feels more or less when I'm doing the podcast where I'm like, I guess, yeah, where I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It feels slightly different. I feel like I get the same feeling, the same satisfaction. It just feels like it's coming in a different hole.

Whoa. Got it. Whoa. Got it. You're stretching out. Like, it's just coming in, like, a different – in a different way. But, yeah, I still feel – I just, like, I don't know. It's just coming in like a different in a different way but yeah i still feel i just like i don't know it's just making people laugh like what if we're doing the sketching and no one laughs it feels really bad no but these are so the first the first episode was three unbelievable

skits the first one uh him and another guy here stand-up comedian a little sass uh they're a gay couple who thought that they were getting a uh a black boy and they got a white girl yeah we're just a little upset they were a little upset about that so do you guys my assumption is just hearing the uh what the first thing is do you guys uh there's you guys how many people have you offended with just just the premise honestly not because it's not like like the re we i i've had no feedback and that's offensive because we don't take great care to do that. But I think we know what the joke is supposed to be about. It's not done in like a malicious, like racist, funny – it's more like their reactions of being like, huh, you know, we just – we didn't think it was going to be that.

It's very – it's done in a very – I'm very interested to watch this. I'm very interested to watch this. What if this is the beginning of The Mess's acting career and this is like the beginning of it for real someone sees him in these sketches and then cut to like literally two years from now he's doing the departed too dude they do one where uh it's a chris hansen uh to catch a predator sort of setup but the predator is john and he wore like a big muscle suit. So Chris Hansen is afraid to go confront him. It,

they all came out. So, so good. And I, and I'm hearing that episode two is like even better than the first, but as far as this hair thing, as someone who's done it, I can kind of see both sides of the argument where if he wants to blend in

as just a regular character and he's got this crazy long hair you even you've had both hairs you've had the this is randomly unlocking an incredible story when i first moved so i was living in new york and i used to buzz my own uh hair i used to use like clippers and put a number on it and just do it myself and then i moved to la and i didn't have anybody to cut my hair and i didn't bring my whatever's with me and then i auditioned for a pilot called happiness is in everything, which is Mitch Hurwitz. He did Arrested Development. This was going to be his next show. And they said for the call, for the callback to the screen test, my hair was enormous. And I was so embarrassed how crap it was. It never been that big. And I told Mitch, I go, I will cut my hair.

I'm so sorry. And he goes, you will not, I go, I will cut my hair. I'm so sorry. And he goes, you will not. You are not allowed to cut your hair. Your hair is so big now that it gives you your character. You look different than other people that are coming in. And we love the way it looks. So that was the first time ever I grew out my hair. And that's what I've been doing since then because he told me to. Your hair, it keeps going up.

It doesn't fall down ever. It looks like it just goes and goes. It's Judaism. I guess so. Yeah, the Jufro. It's not like the Jufro. Well, you had – It's because it's not curly, but there was a time,

I guess probably during pandemic, where it was just – it was, like, crazy. But even, like, John Ralphio was crazy long. Your hair – would you say your hair is iconic i would not say that no i would never say you get to you get to the level where the hot new it actor he doesn't have his own hair he has your hair like it happened with steve is it steve what's his name in strangeranger Things? Steve, yeah. Right? Steve Harrington. Steve Harrington, yeah. Oh, right, that people said that he had hair like mine. By the way, best guy

in the world, Joe Keery, incredible guy. Wonderful guy. If you know him, can you put it in a word that he should come to our show? Because I love him, and I think he doesn't want to do our show. I just got him to do an improv show of mine. He sat in and was like the guest at one of my improv shows, and he was amazing. He was the best. I so much he's a cool he's a cool cat i'm still very

thankful we talked about zero day actually so you saying improv remind me of it i'm still very thankful for you the first time we ever had you on the show you're promoting middle edition sports and i had never seen improv and you were like don't watch it until you see this and i was like okay and i watched it and i like it's like this is the most amazing thing i've ever seen in my life but you know what's funny you were you guys were amazing after that by the way you guys were so kind the way that you broke it down in the way that you really it affected you as me and then we and then we messaged about you guys maybe writing and stuff like that or just like i like we messaged for a little bit after that also which is very exciting

well that's yeah the the um that was that was a like was a I made it moment. I exchanged emails with Ben Schwartz about writing. I was like, holy shit, this is crazy. I think we were talking about writing a cartoon, but that didn't develop, but this sketch thing did. I think it was an example

of just do things because maybe the cartoon that we were talking about didn't happen but out of off out of order does and like i do i do think it definitely opened my eyes to being like oh we don't and and we i've always we've always known that in our world but it was like oh like we can do other things and i definitely do think if i think we don't exchange those emails, that schedule, or maybe I'm not interested in that schedule,

or maybe I don't do it or anything like that. Do you guys find competition within each other? Because you have a thing as each other, and then now sometimes people go apart. Kevin always seems very pro the mess. I will say that. You're a very good cheerleader, Kev. But it's like, do you feel like when you guys do something, the other person has some success?

Is there a little bit of FOMO because together you built something? no that doesn't quite what does it feel like for real I I mean this truly uh by by a couple different metrics is like one of the most successful launched things ever at this company there's been a lot of big hits you know and uh I found through his show that I we're we're about to um kind kind of launch a new branch of Barstool that's hopefully like a talent place where we're acquiring other new acts and stuff like that. And I'm hoping to kind of be ahead of that. And I learned how much more I enjoy pumping up other people's work than my own. Oh, wow. I hate promoting my own videos or blogs or whatever, being like, this is really funny.

You should watch it. Because I just don't want to talk about myself and who am I to say if I think something I did was funny. But when they do it, and I believe it if I really think it's funny. I was posting it everywhere and interacting. They were all nervous about it. And I believe it, if I really think it's funny. I was, like, posting it everywhere and interacting. I was sending them. They were all nervous about it, so I was sending them all the screenshots of, like, the good feedback, being like, no, no, no, they love you. So that, you know, I don't know.

Maybe if he goes on and wins some Oscars, I'll be upset. But right now, I'm like, I'm, like, the number one hype man. I fucking love it. Well, that's the other side of the coin. Kevin actually has the most popular video series at Barcelona. I get super jealous of him. Is that true? But I do like one-minute mans, like a news update, you know, pop culture, current events.

Here's the news story you need to know. And then I put in a couple, you know, a little bit of editorial in it. But that's where it's popular because it's like uh new you know people spreading around like can i ask a question that i absolutely can't ask because this is probably you can't whatever but do you do you guys get bonuses on accordance with how many views you get no or it's just whatever you create you create it's not like whoever has the most popular gets the most money it's hey we're all making the ideas we're artists we're making things whatever hits hits let's all do it as a team.

Or is it like, oh, my God, John Sketch crushed. Now we got to get him to or how does it work? I mean, early on, it was it was just like salary and everything you do in your entire life. We own your work. We own your girlfriend. We own your house. It was like everything barstool. I think as we've gotten bigger i i am i don't

know what other people might uh what their deals might be but i think there's uh like revenue it's not views and popularity based but it's like if your brand makes xyz dollars and it beats this goal then you know you get a bonus based on that but it's not like if you get lucky or you know you have 10 million views that you get paid based on that. For the actual answer to Kevin's for videos and do we get jealous of each other and stuff like that, my answer is

the exact opposite and not out of any kindness. It is out of like fuck yes, Kevin's going to get famous and then I don't have to do anything. You're always looking for a way out. You're always trying to get out of the game. We're going to get so many new views.

Like One Minute Man got 3 million views yesterday. We're going to get so many new listeners. I didn't do shit. That is kind of you to say. But I would drop One Minute Man to do what you do in a heartbeat. I think that is the funniest, that level of humor. I think there's a very big difference between this podcasting and being funny on a podcast, being funny kind of just on a radio show, off the cuff talking,

here's my thoughts on a current event with a little ba-doom-ch joke, versus like we wrote a script there's a character i'm going to deliver the words this way and it's going to come together like that to me maybe it's because i loved chapelle show growing up maybe i think it's also scarier i think so like i was like whenever i write a script or write a like when i used to write sketches it's like when i as opposed to when i do improv it's so much scarier because, we're making it up on the spot and you know that we're doing it. Like whatever happens happens.

But when I write a sketch or when I write a script for a movie for a company, I'm saying this is what I find funny. I spent a long time on this to make this as good as I think it could be. And I'm giving it to you. But like when I'm doing improv or if I'm just talking and doing bits on a podcast, it's like, we're all just messing around. There's no real, like it's like this is – you know what I mean? Yeah.

I always thought about that, and this is back a little while ago. We used to write like blogs and things like that where we'd write a ton of blogs every day, every hour, every half hour, whatever it would be. We'd write a lot of blogs, and I'd be nervous putting those out, and I'd put a half hour into work of it. Of course, yeah. those out and I put a half hour into work of it and I would always yeah I'd think about like what Taylor Swift feels like I wrote I did two years writing this album or a movie writer or a show writer like I put my heart and soul it's not like I saw a headline I gave my two cents on it posted it I'd be nervous about how that's received whereas someone like you putting in the kind of work you put in you if if that one bombs you have in an hour you're putting another one maybe that one's

funny so you can kind of sweep it on the rug if you're putting two years of your life into an album or a movie or show and it bombs it's like i just wasted a couple years of my prime right that's great or it doesn't get made like so many times i've been hired and written movies and then to hire us wait john's checking his text give me a a second. I'll let him finish. No, I'm not taking my text. Sorry. He's just, wait, wait,

wait, I'll wait for him to finish. So when like, I'll write, I'll write a, I'll sell something and write something. And then to pay me to write something costs so little money, but to make it cost millions and millions of dollars.

So I'll spend a year or two writing something, get it through all the lines, all the studios want. And then when they're done, they could just be like, yeah, we're not going to invest 30 million dollars in this or 25 million or if it's a tv show it's like 80 million so it's like it's such a tough thing and then it just disappears it just goes on the sideline until one day hopefully like chris pratt reads it one day

like 10 years later like i want to do this movie you know what i mean is that something you do you write with that in your mind like i don't want to spend too much money do you choose settings based on how that would affect the budget that's an incredible question i do now so when i write a movie for like there's a movie that i was going to direct over the pandemic uh but it didn't work out but it's like um that i made the budget low enough where i could star in it and i can direct it and i can get the funding from people and we were all set and then when i'm writing a movie for other places, sometimes if I keep the budget low enough, the risk is low enough that maybe they'll take a chance. But then there are other companies

that don't mind paying the money and it doesn't matter. So we're set on the surface of Mars and we're going to be on a spaceship and we got guns. You can do whatever you want. Yeah, I'm very good at making sure I push those things away. And if I'm pitching myself as the lead, I won't make the budget so high where it scares people off. Cause in my head,

I'm not, I'm not a movie star yet. I may be able to be, you know, actually a bunch of TV movie stuff, but I'm not like, I can't green light a movie that easily. But if I keep the budget low and I write it funny and I write roles for

really good people around me, now I've made it really, now I can make the business people happy and the creative people happy. So you kind of try to, you try to learn how to do all that. That's a tough balance. I talk about this clip all the time. But we watched, I watched, I think Kevin's seen it now too. But a clip of Rob McElhaney and Charlie Day talking.

It was on their podcast, on the Sunny podcast. And they were talking about the writing of that. And Charlie was talking about how he hates writing for he hates hearing like something a setting or something like that and then writing just so they can be in that setting he's like i just want to write the story because he was talking about it's funny how they were they were like fighting on the show but he rob had the idea to be in ireland for the most recent season and he was like i hated that like which is crazy to see them be like he's like i don't like like i don't like when you're like i want to be fat right for me being fat for this whole season yeah he's like that pisses me off like that's and then when they start i was like

i want to fight right now um but he's like i don't like you choosing my setting and being like right to make this like no i want to write my story and i want to have the setting in the place that makes sense right and i guess yeah i go through a similar thing with i think it's sometimes it's sometimes easier when it's a blank page you do whatever you want but then also if someone like forces you to be like hey you have to write this in an office three episodes in an office you're like okay what would I do what would I do if I'm forced to do this or if I'm like if I don't have the cg to make this what's a different thing instead of a big monster because I don't have the money for it what can I make the scary creature in this so it kind of just, I don't know.

I think the goal at the beginning is just to write what you want to write and find what's fun and then figure it out from there. Because if you're not passionate about what you're writing, you're going to hate it. Writing is hard and takes forever. So it's like if you're not enjoying it, you're going to feel every minute of it. Did you see, this is switching gears a little bit,

but you mentioned the monster. Did you see Spielberg's comments recently about the Jaws? I actually did, but I forget them. No, what was it? The original idea was supposed to have the Jaws animatronic monster in the movie. Like,

you know how famously Jaws is only on screen for like seven minutes? Yeah, because it broke. He was like, the whole movie was supposed to be a fucking shark you know swimming around they tested it in a pool and then when they did it in real in salt water

the fucking machine broke the shark didn't work and they were like oh we don't have the shark anymore like in Indiana Jones you know that scene where the guy comes and has a sword with Indiana Raiders and he's like and then Indiana Jones, you know that scene where the guy comes and has a sword with Indiana Raiders? And he's like, da-da-da-da-da-da.

And then Indiana Jones just takes out his gun and shoots him? It's because I think Harrison Ford, like, had the flu or something that day and only had, like, a take in him. And he's like, I got to go home. And so they just, instead of doing this whole stunt choreography, they just did that. Which is so much better to me than another fight scene. Same with Jaws. Jaws being like, you barely see the thing makes the tension so exciting the whole time but that like the aniana jones thing is like a one-off

scene the thing about jaw i know famously that would have been terrifying and and and spielberg was ready to be like no we're gonna put the shark on on camera every second does that kind of stuff does that inspire you more or does that almost make you think, like, it's all fucking not. It's all just a crap shoot. We're walking a knife's edge between fucking brilliance and disaster. Yeah. It is, that inspires me. The idea that he was, a director was, the biggest thing in his movie was taken from him right before shooting.

And the movie's called Jaws. Yeah. And he was able to do whatever. That I find so inspiring. Same with the Indiana Jones. Okay, we can't get him for the whole day. He's not feeling well. What can we do And he was able to do whatever. That I find so inspiring. Same with the Indiana Jones. Okay, we can't get him for the whole day. He's not feeling well. What can we do?

How can we make this whatever? Let's make the best situation out of this. I feel like Lord and Miller are really good at that shit. They always make like the best. They're so good at like everything they do. Like seems so funny and natural. And in the moment they like play with it. When I did the after party with them,

I like loved being directed by Chris. But it's like, I love that stuff. Finding the new stuff. Because also that's like where my improv brain goes. What's happening in this moment? What can we make funniest in this moment? How can all of us together make something fun together? So I'm all about all that stuff. The new movie, Renfield.

Did you guys watch it? Did they send it to you or no? We got the. The answer is no. No, I can never access those things. Every time I send them, I have a password that doesn't work or a, it's not compatible on my computer or whatever.

I think you guys will like this movie very much. I think you guys will. It's like gory. It's hard. It's really funny. It's really fucked up. It's Nick cage. I think you guys will really like the movie.

Yeah, it is. I've seen the trailer many times. I'm a big movie guy. So I still go to the movies all the time. And the trailer has been happening for a while, it feels like. Was the date ever pushed? No. I think they gave you a month ago they had one,

and then they just released it a little bit ago. And then it comes out on Friday. It looks genuinely fucking awesome. This will be Thursday's episode, right? It looks genuinely right up my alley. As you said, you know me very well. I think you'll dig it. You know me very well.

I think it's up your alley. It feels like something like I'm happy you're a part of it because it's kind of this quirky take on a classic, you know what I mean? That just seems like a fun variation of it. And I get to play a bad guy. Like, I get to shoot guns, and I had to, like, work out and learn fight choreography. And, like, I had to, like, do all these crazy things. You learned you didn't like choreography?

I get full fight scenes. I was on pulleys. I was, like, I get shot. I had squibs all over me. I, like, got to be a bad guy for the first time in my life. Why don't you? It was, I had tattoos, like, all up my body for the whole thing. I was going to say, why don't you pop the top off?

Why don't you pop the top off and show us your workout body, your bad guy body? No one will appreciate this more than you two. So beforehand, they're like, yeah, we need you here three weeks beforehand for stunt choreography. And I'm like, three weeks? Are you crazy? But I went there, and I worked out beforehand. The stunt guy gave me like a workout regimen i was like you know i'm in okay shape but they got me in stronger shape and then

with the second the second i was done with my fight scenes i we filmed in new orleans throughout this movie i slowly gain weight so you can see my character slowly because i didn't have i didn't have to work out anymore. And also the food there is so good in New Orleans. So it's like you slowly see my character like slowly no longer. You're like, oh, this guy is letting himself go a little bit as the movie goes. But at the beginning, I was like under the weight I'd been in. I lost more weight and was leaner than I'd been in a long time. And then nobody would know.

Nobody would know. They changed the weight, whatever you call it, barriers for the pulleys you were on. They're like, ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, we started with little tiny ones and at the end there were these big bungee cords that could barely hold us back.

How long were you down there for? It's my favorite city in America by far. Really? What are your spots there? Well, I don't know like that, but my best friend in high school. Wait, didn't you go? I feel like, didn't you message me? You were going down there and I gave you some food recommendations?

Yes, yes. I was going down for a wedding and then I ended up doing wedding things. It's actually, it was crazy to me to ask for recommendations because, wait, was that why you were there? Yeah, I was filming. You would have seen me in full tattoo if you saw me. I didn't even think. I don't think I would. How would I have known?

But I knew you'd been in New Orleans for a while. So I was like, yo, what was the spots? And that was just a stupid question for me to ask as someone who was in the bridal party. Like, I didn't get to do anything I wanted. I was doing bridal parties the whole time. Being tattooed for the movie. Thinking about doing it in real life life no way i can't commit and also my tattoos were insane it was like a wolf howling at the moon and like and the new

orleans like it was like so many crazy like bunch of like gravestones and teardrops of all the people that i killed in this movie and it's like it's like so much crazy stuff schwarz had teardrop tattoos in real life right now i could never do it i think i think i can't commit to one thing i don't think i'd love it on my body for the rest of my life i just don't have that faith in myself well i always say if you asked me it'd be like calvin and hobbes when i was younger i was like but now if i'm like a 41 year old man with a cal and Hobbes thing, I don't know. I think it's the worst.

I've always said that it's like, um, I have a few tattoos, not a ton, but a couple of them. And, um, I say that it's like, it's like losing your virginity where like the first one, you're like, this has to mean something. And by the end, you're like, do whatever the fuck you want to do. Like, I don't, I don't care at all. And I actually talked to a guy recently who was a tattoo artist, I think. And he said that he has a guy who just has a 45-minute standing appointment every week. Get something.

And he just comes in and he's like, do whatever you want. No way. Because it does feel – I'm a person who, I guess, has a high tolerance for pain or an enjoyment of pain that is a bit perverted. Do you like the dentist? I don't dislike the dentist. I don't, I'm not like jacked up to go, but I never had that fear of dentists either.

I could see that the tattoo, like liking that. It's like the best itch you've ever had. You're like, I didn't even know I had an itch there. I could see that. But the teeth, if you like the dentist, you're like,

yeah, no, I'm not. I don't think as a kid I was ever like, no! I mean, no, not anymore so that any kid doesn't want to do something. But, no, I'm not like, fuck yeah, baby! Although, actually, I don't

know. Not like a drilling, but a cleaning? I feel clean afterwards. I ripped a tooth out of my kid's head this weekend. Yeah? My daughter had this. Which one? Like a molar or like a what? No, the big boy top front left and how'd you do it i so this tooth was loose enough i think loose enough to pull out on thanksgiving and she was just so scared i couldn't even figure out when like what are you

talking about months ago yeah months ago it would that it would have hurt if i did it then i almost corrected you said easter no yeah no thanksgiving and so for months i was like baby we gotta take it out like it's ready to go and she was complaining it was hurting and then it was bleeding and then it was this tooth it was like it was it was like not the whole thing but it was like dead and i was like baby we gotta do this and but she was so adamantly against it that i was like, not the whole thing, but it was like dead. And I was like, baby, we got to do this. But she was so adamantly against it that I was like. You let your kid walk around with a dead tooth for months? No, when I found out it was dead.

Since Thanksgiving? When I found out it was dead, I got a text and her mom said, this tooth has turned black like last night. And I said, coming up tomorrow. And so I had to like trick her and be like i just got the i just have to see it let me see it you know what i did i said if you don't get it out it's gonna get infected and then she went what does that mean infected and then she got nervous scary and i gave it a a a pull but i it like slipped a little bit and then she did the

rest because at that point it was just dangling but i was like this tooth is coming out of your fucking head man and then she went from like such a ball of nerves to the most excited i have ever seen her in my life yeah call mom call dad call grandma we gotta tell everybody like just loving it so that's just my yeah you pulled it you pulled a dead black tooth out of her mouth you must be be very excited. The other one's already in. I can see the new one already popping in. The infected lie was one that my parents used to tell me. I'm sure it's not a lie. I'm sure it's medically accurate

in a sense. The nails. When I didn't want to cut my nails. You'll get an ingrown nail. It'll get infected. I put it to the test lately. I was going to say, are you a good nail guy? No, I don't bite them. I'm good to cut. I'm easy. I'm are you a good nail guy? No, I don't bite them. I'm good to cut. I'm easy.

I'm a nail freak. Nails and ears. I don't bite them. What do you do with your ears? Q-tips? No, I got like a kit. For what? Wax?

Yeah, like they have all these different things that you can put in there to get it out. Because the Q-tip just kind of jams it in further, you know? I know. So they have these little spirals. They have these little, like, hooks and scoops. I'm always cleaning my ears. I got the cleanest ears in the game. People who just walk around with wax.

Freaking me out. Anyway, back to Renfield. So Nick Cage, you know. What's being in New Orleans with Nick Cage? Yeah, that's got to be. Did you get a lot of time with him? I got to do like three scenes with him, so I didn't get to spend a ton of time with him.

But I will say he's dressed as Dracula. So, like, we'll be shooting a scene, and then they'll be like, cut, and they have to move cameras, and we sit in our seats. But he's still fucking dressed as Dracula. And then I'll be like, I have seen Adaptation so many times, but he's still like dressed as dracula and then i'll be like i have seen adaptation so many times but he's still like with fangs and shit like that and we'll talk about his movies and he's like incredible he has a pet crow like he's everything you want nick cage to be he's

exactly that and i think he lived in new orleans for a long i think he lived in new orleans for like a long time so he's like he i loved him And he loved like when I improvised in our scenes, he was so into the idea of improv and was really like, so I, I'm a huge Nick Cage fan. The press is like the most time I got to spend with him. Do you just go for it? Or are you like, you know, Nick Cage? I let the director,

I let the director kind of guide me because I don't want to, I want Nick to, I want to, like, it's funny. Like, it's like when i was doing scenes of course i'm with holt who's amazing and aquafina i'm like i'm really going for it but it's like nick cage has a scene where he chokes me and like licks me up and i was like go for it like in my head i'm like turning to like this actor and i'm like i'm with nick cage it's like i was like i'll hold on to your hand and i'll pull you back when it's too much but like let's see what happens and so like because you just like you want to show up for like these guys that like i mean the rock and face off and con air it's

movies that like formed us as little boys and girls so it's like um so for me it was like uh i wanted to go for it he was so awesome he was so committed he was so committed to his role he was so 100 in and you think after someone who's been the biggest movie star in the world, they could phone – he didn't phone a second of any take in. He was amazing. I feel like he dresses like that normally. Yeah. Like his normal attire is a Dracula cape or some shit.

What was the crow's name? What's his pet crow's name? What's what? His pet crow's name. I don't know. That's a great question. I guarantee there's an article about it. What would you name His pet crow's name. I don't know. That's a great question. I guarantee there's an article about it. What would you name your pet crow?

If I had a pet crow, what would I name my pet crow? Yeah. Oh, great question. Yeah, I was going to say Poe or something like that. It's so not. I think Brooks, maybe. I'd probably name my pet crow Brooks, like Mel Brooks. That might be fun.

Horcrux came into my head when I heard Brooks. Horcrux? They've been on a Harry Potter kick always. Never stops. Good for you, man. What's that? I said good for you. Thanks. Yeah, I'm a big Harry Potter guy. The movies. Did you see Super Mario Brothers? No, I can't wait, though.

You know how much I love video game movies. Is it great? Obviously. I'm sure you loved them before. I'm sure you really love them now. I'm a very love video game movies. Is it great? Obviously. I'm sure you loved them before. I'm sure you really love them now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a very pro video game movie fan right now. Me and my new mansion love video game movies. Huge video game movie fan. Super Mario Brothers is my son didn't want to go.

And I have an inkling because I think he was a little afraid of Bowser and didn't want to say it. And was like, I don't want to go, I don't want to go and I had to drag him. I was like, bro, I'm not asking you to do homework. I'm asking you to go to the Super Mario Brothers movie with me. And within two minutes he stood up, put his arms over the seat of the chair in front of

him and watched on the edge of his seat and turned around and he goes, this is sick. So it was like getting to watch it with my daughter and my son was like i would have loved it anyway because it's it's just exactly what you want it's got mario kart and donkey kong and like little references and easter eggs that you love but doing it with kids was like this is amazing during uh during pandemic when the pandemic happened me and 11 of my friends had a mario kart tournament every week. Saturday, we got together, 12 of us, and we played online,

and we would keep scores like a tournament. And after like three months of games, whoever had the highest would ever won a trophy and a prize. And then I would drive the prize to their house, and that person would keep the trophy until the next season. And we thought COVID would be over quickly, but we kept playing for like a year and a half. It was the best.

We had the best time. What place did you come in? I usually was always fourth or fifth. I never was top three. That's the sweet spot right there, though. I think first is the sweet spot. No, first gets cocky. You live in the middle.

That's what you want to live in all life. I think I'd rather win. Nah, not me. Fourth or fifth man. You'll absolutely love anybody who grew up in our era playing that will absolutely love it. Speaking of

cartoon movies, and I actually don't know, not cartoon, I'm sorry, video game movies. I don't know how much work you did with him because he's live action and you're not. We got Marsden coming in Wednesday. Who? James Marsden.

Oh, you're going to love him. He's the best. Yeah. He's also one of the most attractive people you'll ever see in your entire life. That's my concern. When he sits down next to you, you look at him and you're like, he's just, he's so attractive. Can you see how I'm sitting on this couch where I have my hands in my pocket and my hoodie? I'm constantly trying to cover my stomach.

Because I'm trying to not show how bad I am. I'm just like, okay, let's just sit like this so no one can see anything here. So the idea of sitting next to James Marsden doesn't, I don't love it. Is he tall too? Is he tall? Maybe he's short. I don't know. I don't know how tall he is.

I do know he's like so nice and so kind and like a good family guy. But he just happens to look like the most beautiful person you've ever. I'm sure he's won people's. He must have at one time won people's most whatever. He married Tina. I'm a big 30 Rock guy. I'm a big Parks and Rec guy. That whole Thursday night was unbelievable.

But he ends 30 Rock with being Tina Fey's new husband. So our only husband. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, they get married, I think, in the last season. I think. I know in the last season of 30 Rock. So if you can land Tina Fey, you're all right with me.

Dude, he is in this new show, Jury Duty. Have you heard about this? I heard that they mentioned me in it, someone told me. I got added on Twitter that they talk about me and sonic or something like that yeah it's everyone else is an actor there's one regular guy who thinks he's at jury duty and right and that and that they're doing a documentary on the criminal justice yes and then it's improv right huh it's improv right like everybody's improvising except yeah yeah and uh and the the guy says to him james barsley says like yeah i was in uh x-men and the notebook and i'm in sonic and the guy turns

to him and he thinks it's real and he goes i heard that movie was a bag of shit and then he the next day he comes in for day two of jury duty and he's like i watched sonic last night it was great you didn't tell me that ben schwartz was in it so yeah you get a nice oh that makes me very happy yeah it is it's cool stuff so anyway they're telling us we got to wrap it up um so renfield is out uh we'll be out by the time listen to this yeah it'll be out this friday so if this comes out thursday i'll be out tomorrow so renfield will be out this weekend uh go see it and uh ben you're always the man thank you so much and i'm gonna have have Kevin send you that sketch show And if you like it tell him

If you don't never come on here again Because I will be scared to ever face you If you do like it I am interested in your feedback Say it again If you do like it I am interested in your feedback I'm not going to give you feedback It's your first time doing a sketch

Not feedback Not feedback You're going to give you feedback. It's your first time doing a sketch. Are you crazy? It's amazing that you did it. Not feedback. Not feedback. But, dude, just stop. You're going to love it. If I like it, you want me to tell you is what you're saying. I like it, you want me to tell you. Literally exactly what I'm saying. Okay, great.

Great, great, great. All right, bro. Thanks, man. All right, guys. Good to see you. Have a good night, everybody. You too, brother. Thank you so much again, as always. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.