KFC Radio - Cultured Homeless Man, The Golden Us, Jim Gaffigan, & Doug Smith

Episode Date: January 9, 2020

Jim Gaffigan talks with the guys about his new movie, being a top comedian, and why he became a clean comedian. Comedian Doug Smith joins us to talk about living in NYC, his long time job as a dog walker, and tells a very captivating story about the time he was a hero.Feits has a rivalry brewing with a homeless man and something has made him rather uncomfortable. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle quit the Royal Family. Feits comes up with some new slang, totally on purpose. Voicemails include: Clout for Cash, Shared Location, and Fast Food at Home.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio brought to you by Stitch Fix. If you had to describe your style in one word, what would it be? Spicy. Spicy. Is that what the answer you're looking for? I don't have an answer.

Well, they're not casual, sophisticated, playful. I don't think there is a thing. In fact, the best way to describe my style, I think, is what Larry David tweeted this morning, where he was like, not tweet this morning, I tweeted this morning, from a GQ article with Larry David on the cover this month. But between that and all of him going around yesterday, Curve's got to be back next week. I mean, Larry

is some sort of all-out media blitz going on right now. Everywhere I turn, he's talking. But he said that, what's interesting, he grew up at a garment sale in Sun, so he has a lot of eye for fashion. I'm stunned. if i had to guess

i thought that larry david would be the type of guy who's like i don't care at all like you know what i mean like this fashion doesn't matter to me he i only he cares he his is very good quote which is like it's like a fashion icon level quote where he said wear one nice thing at a time right and i think that's exactly how you would describe you wear a fancy jacket with your fancy shirt and your expensive pants you look like you're trying i got crazy pants on right straight black sweater fucking old ass sneakers right um but the he i thought he said half is always more and i was like that's actually like i wear one thing that pops and i've described it before it's like you know the half is always go to hell yeah well one piece that says go to hell so i'll usually wear one thing as well everything else kind of does bad half is more is it just a

great like life mantra yeah you know do half the work go half the distance and you'll end up going the full distance you know so uh stitch fix is a way to to kind of curate this this entire style you're feeling so what they do is they mail you. Every month they'll send you multiple items based on your style preferences. So you go in, you create a profile. They send you other brands and other clothes. Do you like this? Do you not like this?

Yes, no. Thumbs up, thumbs down, and it generates the type of clothes that you would like. And then from there they mail it to you, and you get to pick how much you want to keep. So let's say you're doing the Larry David, half is more, and you want to pick one item that's like a fuck you, pay me type of type of clothes. You can keep just that one, send the rest back. If you keep everything in your first box, when you use the promo stitchfix.com slash KFC, you'll get an additional 25%. So it knows your style. It knows your size. It has style profile, style professionals who know the trends and what's in and what's not in. And so they will mail you clothes based on all that coming together. And you get to pick what you keep and choose and what you send back. Never pay for anything you don't

want. And no long term commitments. You can quit anything you don't want and no long-term commitments. You can quit whenever you want. You can get your shit shipped monthly and keep involved as long as you want. Clothes, shoes, accessories, and the $20 styling fee gets applied to all the clothes you keep. Just go to stitchfix.com slash KFC

and like I said, get another 25% off when you keep everything in your first box. That's stitchfix.com slash KFC. Jim fucking Gaffigan on the show. I should say Jim effing Gaffigan's on the show. He wouldn't appreciate me. Jim Gaffigan is a goddamn legend and came through here and was an absolute delight. He was great.

I didn't know what to expect with him. Sometimes guys are so big that I get nervous that they don't know or don't care. Also, the clean comic angle. I'm always like, do you look down upon like people like us who are not clean not only was he not looking down but he also referred to barstool a couple times that also made me feel like he kind of knew what was up i i did you pick up my mom on the way home and i was like i love jim gaffigan yeah i gotta call my mom she loves jim gaffigan she was like why and i, he loves me. Yeah.

That's all it takes. It goes that way, right? Like three times he's talking about what a successful show it is. And the way he was like, you know, it takes a lot to admit that at Barstool. I was like, do you know how Barstool works? Or maybe he just did a quick gloss over. Or maybe you can just tell. You walk in here and take one look.

It's like, oh, yeah, these guys are fucking emotionally stunted assholes. But he seemed to know a lot about us, took a lot of interest in us, spoke. You know, when he said at one point, like, I could nerd out if you want me to. I'm like, yes, please. Like, give me all your knowledge. Like, he knows about acting. He knows about stand-up comedy, streaming technology, where the markets are going, all that shit. And he was an awesome interviewer.

He is a monster superstar. Even at one point we talked about how he was third on the list of Forbes' most profitable stand-up comedians, which you can kind of be put on the spot when your numbers are out there like that. And the way he navigated that conversation was also super intriguing. Very interesting stuff. So Jim Gaffigan is on the show.

And also another very funny comedian, Doug Smith, is on the show, who has a story that I promise you is at least top three, unless you've heard some crazy stories in your life. Doug Smith's tale of basically being a vigilante hero in New York City is an absolute all-timer. So two very funny comedians that provided some great podcast material so shout out to those guys um also we'll get to your voicemails but john we started the show today and every now and then when we're planning out the episode john will behave in a manner where i know we've got a

doozy and sometimes it's like i got something for the show i'm not gonna tell you now they tell you on the air and like i'm like okay let's. And then there's this other time, this other kind, and that was what happened here. He said, something happened to me. I don't want to tell you yet. I'm going to tell you on the show. I don't know how it's going to go. I'm not going to tell you that way.

I got to deal with this guy first. I got a guy. I have a new sworn enemy. And it is – I walked in today. People are like, how are you doing you doing i was like i've been better and they said why which is a surprising reason because i've always been better um but the there's a guy outside there's a homeless man outside barstool offices who makes his bed flawlessly every day and like when when you walk by it,

when I walk to work, I'm basically running. I'm not, but I'm exerting the same amount of energy that someone who runs is, so I do have endorphins. Every time John gets to his desk, he's like,

exhausted. Did you run up the stairs? He's like, no, I just walked. But you just walked. Gassed. I'm absolutely gassed every time, but I have the endorphins of running a mile because I run about a mile away.

So right when I turn the corner and get to the the office every day i'm feeling as good as i will that day yeah i'm just like all right let's get to work i got some fucking i got some emotion going some adrenaline some juice flowing and then right as i'm turning the corner every time i see this homeless guy and it's a perfectly made bed and he like folds all his stuff up and it's just like a a nicely put together small house and it sucks everything out of me because it's like you're not as put together as this homeless guy john is insecure because of a homeless man he came in today he was like we gotta talk about this guy fuck this guy who does he think he is it's i mean it's bullshit and it's not just you by the way

this popular podcast where we have fans and i do okay. And every day I'm cut down by this homeless man who's just like – I'm better than you. Yeah. Look at me and look at you. Look what your apartment looks like. Look what my apartment looks like. Look at all the means you have, all the everything you have, but yet me over here, homeless, still better than you.

It's coming down to the point where I'm either going to have to fight this guy or start paying him to start being disheveled. I can't have you. What about pay him to be your maid and make your bed and shit? I don't want him in my house. I don't want to let him get a taste of the good life. The good life in my converted room that's messier than your corner over here. You know how offended he would be that you don't want him in your house? He'd be like,

fuck your apartment. You're not allowed in my corner. I might have to start walking an extra two blocks up my pass out before I get to work if I start doing that. I have the perfect fitness for my one mile walk to work. That's where my fitness level ends. That's it.

Go to Twitter. Go to KFC Radio Twitter. John will put the pictures up. His bed is bizarre like, bizarrely, it's like four corners. And he's never there. Bounce a corner off it military style. So you brought him up. You know him as his bed. Nate said that this has kind of been, everybody has seen this guy. He reads books by flashlight at night.

And he, like, sings. There's something about music like he's very he's very oh he has a phone but i mean he's never there in the day like i think he goes off to his job where he i don't know makes beds at a macy's for the showroom because he's so fucking works at a fucking sleepies he's at the uh mattress firm he's part of the conspiracy but so like nate must be seeing him at night, and you just see his bed during the day or something. Yeah, but he's at work. So you think he has a job?

I don't know if he has a job. He might just be somewhere else. He's got a fucking phone, and he's buying books. You could steal books. You could steal books. You can't have a phone unless you have income. Come on. I don't know.

Phones these days are all, you know, I don't know. I've heard about the Obama phones. I don't know exactly what it is. I just know people complain about them. You get your Boost Mobile gone? I don't know. Yeah, I feel are all, you know, I don't know. I've heard about the Obama phones. I don't know exactly what it is. I just know people complain about them. You get your Boost Mobile gone? I don't know. Yeah, I feel like you can get a phone pretty cheap. I mean, that's the point here is that homelessness is like HIV.

It's going away. It's fading away. Oh. I mean, I guess I do see less and less. No, not even the number. I'm saying the, I mean, as I say this, I'm thinking about the disgusting homeless people. Like, no, homelessness is here to stay. Homeless is in cheeks.

But there are people who are homeless who can live – like, you can live a homeless life that's much better than, like, 20 years ago. You know what I mean? Like, I see homeless people. They have phones. They have Jordans. They're not – like, maybe they're new homeless. Maybe they haven't, like – they haven't really bottomed out yet. But, like, when the homeless have Venmo, I'm like, this is just crazy to me.

I saw a homeless guy who, I swear to God, came to New York to be a model. Didn't work out. So he was just, like, fucking up homeless people. Just a beautiful homeless man. Well, I couldn't really see his face, but he was just really well-dressed. Yeah. Just, like, I think it was he, maybe he just got, because he's right by Penn Station, so maybe he just got off right by penn station so maybe he

just got off like madonna style like i got to new york with 13 in my pocket and he just immediately realized like this is not a slice of pizza so yeah yeah fuck it but it was like he had like a nice bag he was sleeping on it wasn't right outside well i've always thought like like day one of homelessness i think that would be like a great fucking movie or a pilot for a TV show. Like when you're first homeless, your teeth are clean, your hair is cut, you have some shit. You know what I mean? Or I guess not. I don't know.

I don't know how you just become homeless. I don't know the answer to that. Maybe by then you're already addicted to drugs and you've already burned every bridges. I don't get how you reach a point where you don't even have a couch to sleep on. You don't have enough money to get to a fucking YMCA or something. But that first day where you're like, I'm homeless. I got nowhere to go. I got nothing to do.

The world is your oyster. Go ahead. Go do whatever you want. You just have no money or means to do it. And you have to do it in the clothes on your back, and that's it. They say youth is wasted on the young. Free time is wasted on the homeless. would kill to have a an empty schedule you don't gotta worry about anything forever trend brought it up trend was like i mean just think about the disposable income you'd have

if you didn't pay rent oh i'm this close to being homeless anyway i like i sleep with my windows open it's like i am there is nothing separate – I guess a roof. I sleep in like a – You don't have to worry about getting wet. You know what they have like in those driveways where you put up – it's like you can like put up a garage almost. It's big in New England at least where it's like basically like a – Like an overhang.

Yeah, an overhang. So you can like pull up if it's raining and get out and – Exactly. I have one of those. I don't have walls. You have like a lean-to. You're living in like a wigwam. There's nothing protecting me from the elements. It rains in my room regularly.

I just have a roof. You are. I have towels below my windows because it gets too hot in my room. So I open the windows and it just rains. Catch the rain. It just rains in my apartment.

I got to shove towels against the wall so it doesn't spread that much. You don't deserve a home. I woke up one morning in socks and put my feet in the ground and got wet and realized we got to towel this bitch up. Another reason to not wear fucking socks to bed. Can I just mention that it's a homeless guy who has a bed. We're talking about this bed being made. Yeah, I know. I mean, he's got a fucking mattress. It's not even like a cardboard box that it's a homeless guy who has a bed. We're talking about this bed being made. Yeah, I know. I mean, he's got a fucking mattress.

It's not even like a cardboard box that he's dressing up. It's like a full-blown, you know, probably got himself. It probably works for sleepies. I bet he'd be a great person to ask about. I forget. It was a former admiral of the Navy gave a speech. I think it was in Annapolis. And basically he was giving life lessons.

And number one was make your bed every day. Because if you get home, if you had a great day, because first of all, you accomplish something that day immediately. And second of all, if you had a bad day, when you get home, at least your bed is made. Or something like that, right? Yeah. This guy would be a good case study on that. Yeah. It's like, how does this feel every day?

Do you feel accomplished every day? He gets home and he's like, oh, my God, my teeth are rotting. I smell terrible. I haven't eaten in days. You know what, though? My bed's made. But, yeah. I'm good.

Yeah, I'm good. I guarantee not. This is. I guarantee that doesn't fly. I have an accomplished human being. I mean, I understand the. Imagine, like, this homeless guy, this fucking guy, he thinks he's better than me. I know he does.

He is. He reads and he does. That pisses me off. He's more cultured than you. He's more disciplined than you. He's probably tougher than you are. He's living in the elements. He's more of a man than you are, no doubt.

I don't care if I'm more than a man. Just because you're more of a man than me doesn't mean you're better than me. Oh, no, he's much better than you. He's more educated. He's more intellectual. I disagree. I mean, if he reads every night. I read a lot, too.

I read every night, but I read a lot. This guy, first of all, he has a job. So he's well-read. He goes to a place of employment, clearly. He might be smoking crack, but that might be why he's not in his bed. Maybe. So what? People who do drugs are worse than you?

No. Yeah. So? So that's not a point in your column. This guy, he'd probably seize the world. If you do crack, I, worse than you? No. Yeah. So? So that's not a point in your column. This guy, he'd probably seize the world. If you do crack, I'm better than you. I don't give myself a lot. If you are addicted to crack, I'm probably better than you.

What if you've tried crack? I look down upon people who do crack. I have no problem telling you that. If you're addicted to crack, like, you're a crackhead, you're probably homeless, you're a piece of shit. If you even tell me that you smoke crack like just once i'm like i've smoked things sometimes but i wasn't sure what it was that's fine if you get tricked into it fine if if if it's a yeah if it's a training day like i didn't know you like to get wet that's fine if you're like one time yo where's the crack we thought in in spain we were in salamanca just like immediately

took a hit like nope That wasn't me Nevermind I feel like if you Knowingly Went up and rolled in the grass For three hours after that Complained about how itchy we were Yeah Don't know what that was

Whatever drug that was folks If you Knowingly Do crack And especially if you Seek out crack Cause like You're not buying that

From like your Wall street drug dealer You know what I mean Like You're in a back alley getting up some rocks to cook them up and shit. I'm better than you. It's not a glamour. I'm not better than a drug user. I'm better than a crack user. Okay. Probably.

I think I'm going to give you a crack addict. You've got to be an addict. If you just go seek it once just for the thrill of it, you might be better than me. I mean, I guess so, but chances are, you're not better than me. If you've sought out crack. Chances are, you're better than me.

Just period. If you're a human, you're better than me. Maybe we should smoke a little crack then. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I have. I don't know. I would love to do like a sunny, like just one rock, please. We would like four rocks of crack, please. And I love when that drug dealer is like, $200?

Okay, here you go. All-time episode of television. I'm going to say if you have even a nicely made bed outside and that's where you sleep, I'm better than you. If you're addicted to crack or if you've even intentionally sought out crack, I'm better than you. Those are just two things. I mean, maybe not you, John, but I'm better than that guy. I don't think I am.

Now, better is a subjective term. Like I said, he could beat me up or maybe he's a little more well-read than I am, but on the whole, I'm better than him. Yeah, I think I'm better than that guy, but the only reason I think I'm better than that guy is because he pisses me off. He taunts me with his success. And again, for the record, this is a man that John's never even seen.

I've never seen him. He's never had an interaction with him. Yeah, he taunts him with his success. That's even worse. It's a passive-aggressive taunting. He's not even staying there to give me the up-down. I'm like, yeah. That guy, he finishes his bed, he pulls it tight, and he's just like,

Vital Boogs is going to be so pissed. He fucking hears me coming from a block away. And knows to hide just to watch me stop and stare at that bed with disdain. None of this happens. Not even a little bit. Not even a little bit. I got to, like, see this man now. Where is this?

Right around the corner. Okay. Because, like, I know the Shantytown. I know. Wait, on. 29th. See, right out ofown I know Wait on 29th See right out of the office Right on 29th

He's right there Okay Alright There used to be the one On the old office Who was always doing pushups And situps And I'm like this guy's a great shit

That guy was better than me As like a physical specimen He had all the free time Is what I mean But then there's the guy Who walks with his head Pointed all the way down To the ground

If you're watching on On gold Go to barstoolgold.com Slash KFC. This homeless guy, he just walks like slow steps. I think you're just talking about a man high on heroin. He's always that way, though. Yeah?

Yeah. Checks out. I feel like his back is like he couldn't straighten up if he wanted to. This is my solemn promise to you. We got to go over our living will. We got to do that. Okay. Who's in the next episode?

And this one's for real for me because I got the back issues, so this could very well be me. If I'm at a point where I'm walking with my head completely pointed at the ground, looking at my toes, shaped like an L, you know, like a fucking lowercase r. I want you to kill me. Okay. I want you to stab me, shoot me, break my back, push me into traffic. Just kill me.

Yeah, I'm not going to stab you. Slip my throat? That's bringing on a trauma that I don't need. Yeah, that's true. That puts it on you. Yeah, you're bringing the burden to my doorstep. You're pulling the trigger. You're returning to sender, if you don't mind.

What would you be comfortable with killing me? Sniper rifle. Well, where are you going to get a sniper rifle? I don't know. Fucking call Chaps. He's probably got something. Chapsy, bring me a sniper rifle. And are you going to snipe me from like a thousand yards?

I didn't get a sniper rifle if I needed a sniper rifle. You're going to shoot me like close? No, I'd be far away. So you're going to sniper? I would have to train, yeah. I was going to say, like, what are you going to miss? Maybe like hit a fucking innocent bystander on the yeah. I was going to say, what if you miss? Maybe hit a fucking innocent bystander on

the street. Wait until you were almost home. You're going to JFK me in front of my house? Limit the potential casualties.

I'd be a good sniper before I shot you. I think you'd be a terrible sniper. I'd just call you. I'd be like, hang on. You know when you have to control your

breath? Just go check the mail. Pow you i'd be like hang on you know when you know when you have to control your breath you know just just go check the mail you would be like you'd be tired because you walked with the striper right behind your fucking shoulder bullets would be flying everywhere i mean you can't i can't imagine the variance when you're shooting someone at like a thousand yards if you like even miss misread your breath at all you probably missed by like dozens of feet i'd be the stormtrooper of snipers. You'd never hit anything. Just a bunch of holes in your house. Like a dumb and dumber.

Pow, pow, pow. You are a terrible shot, Feidelberg. Please kill me if I am ever hunched over to the point that I'm looking down at the ground. Or just like homeless in general. Off me. All right. What are you uncomfortable about? Tell me.

I've waited long enough. What is it? You ever look at dogs' buttholes? Yeah. Okay, you do. I was wondering if it was a thing. I was walking around. They flaunt it for all of us to see.

But it's one of those things where I didn't used to have the urge to look. I mean, listen, I don't get off on it like you do. I don't get off on it. I've seen them. It's like getting in a community shower where you're like, I don't have any innate desire to look at a dick. But it's there. But I got to take a look at it.

Well, I mean – I was one of the dogs there. It's just like – I know it's like a common thing. Like, oh, cats flaunt their asses. Dogs flaunt their asses. But do you have like the gravitational – Wait. What about – what?

Like cats and dogs like flaunt their asses. Yeah, yeah. But like do you have like the gravitational pull of your eyes? I mean I don't know about that. It sounds like what you're describing is being attracted to. It's not. No, it's not. You are literally, you have a gravitational pull.

That's attraction. It's attractive. That was just the way I was going to describe it. Dog's asshole is attracting you. It's like, because it's the one thing, every time I look at it, I'm like, what the fuck, man? Yeah. I'm not happy about it. Well, you know what really happened for me?

Do you remember that? I'm going to call the OG meme, like the first meme. The little kid. You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about. There's a picture. It's like old, like E-bombs world. It's a little kid and a dog from behind.

And it's a dog that has like no fur. His tail's up. His asshole is exposed. It is the most perfect dog asshole. And the little kid has his finger in his mouth and it says something like only the kid knows the truth and i mean it looks like he put his finger in the dog yeah and then put it in his mouth and the caption's like only the kid knows but and that i mean when i once i saw that and i realized how how on display dogs assholes are

then it kind of definitely not one of those things where it's like uh that's not a new idea or anything like that but the fact that it's like it used to be they would put it in your face and now it's one of those things where they almost they put it in your face so much we're like stop showing off dogs it's like yeah it's like you gotta look now it's like oh you're not putting my face anymore only the dog knows for sure that's it we'll put it up on gold. I mean, we can also just edit the picture in there. But, yeah, I mean, that was when I realized that it was like, boy, there's like a roadmap pointing right at your butt. It's a strange thing.

I don't understand it. I don't get it. But I was just like, I don't know. I just looked at the dog's asshole again. Again. It wasn't like. I mean, listen, I think you might have a little bit of a problem because i i quickly answered yes because it's just like yeah it's on display

but when i first see a dog i'm like oh look at his floppy ears or like i'm behind the dog yeah but i don't see it's like probably but like i'll probably be looking at his tail first of them you know yeah yeah i probably do the tail first and then guess what the tail leads yeah but it feels like you're looking at the asshole first. I don't know where it is. It feels like you look at the asshole and then go to the fluffy tail. I go the other direction, and I think I'm better than you because of that. Me and the homeless guy, we look at the tails. You look at the dog's assholes.

Yeah, but they are very – I'm a very giving creature. I know you. I'm going to look. I'll just look. Fine. The dogs, they're the No face girls of dogs Of the animal kingdom

Just Just showing it off Fine I looked Okay Did you see that tweet We got over the break I believe The guy said that

His girlfriend Wipes their dog's ass Oh yeah but I think That's just a French Bulldog French Bulldogs you have to Really Yeah Why

I don't know Because we created them in labs And like Forgot to teach them How to shit or something Because I It must like The way they're, like, you must, like, shit, like, onto their butt,

like, their legs or their butt or whatever. I have a friend who has a French bulldog. I'm like, this is the stupidest thing in the whole world. Why would you do that? Why would you start wiping my dog's ass at me? That is a big detractor, because I believe that usually the French bulldog is regarded as, like, the best indoors, sit-on-the-couch-and-watch-TV dog.

They're, like, super content just being lazy. But if it comes at the cost of it can't shit, then, you know, that's bad. But isn't it funny? Like, for the most part, these dogs' asses are wide open and they just shit. They open, they close, and you're done. But, like, you know, it's a ridiculous idea to wipe your dog's ass. But is it? It's like we just let these other dogs shit and then come into our house.

What other dogs? Like your dog. Like you let a dog shit and then come into our house what other dogs like like your dog like you let a dog shit and then come sit on your couch like we wipe our asses we clean up i know it's like physiologically a little different but it is funny that it's like if there's any fur or anything around there there's shit all over it yeah but i think it's almost like uh evolutionary thing like it's almost always balled by the asshole well well i like uh for like the doodles they're not like doodles you gotta like when they go to the groomer they gotta get their asshole cleaned up really yeah oh yeah because trust me yeah when you don't like jet when duncan used to go like a long time without grooming it was like this is we got

that's when i was always like we got to go to the groomer because your shit's getting stuck in your fur dude yeah but like you know i kept thinking kept thinking, I should probably be cleaning this every time. Nope. That's crazy. Let this animal just shit and come in your house. We're weird. Dogs make us do weird things. The licking and the sleeping in bed with you and shit.

Yeah, I do all of it. I don't know. White people. Stop white people 2020. Unless you start paying me 50 grand a year, I'm not wiping my dog's ass. Speaking of assholes, Harry and Meghan Markle have said peace out to their bitch ass family, the asshole royal family. All time power move to retire from the royal family.

I love it. Which, by the way, has happened before. Before World War II. The king did it. King Edward. He was the king and he was like, peace. That's like some major shit. I heard someone say they annexed someone once, but that's different.

I think that's why the royal family is the royal family. The line moved over. She became the queen because the king left, right? Yeah. The queen's father was not supposed to be the king. It was his brother.

He was the younger brother. He was Harry. And it would be like if when William inherits the throne, he's like, nah. And then Harry becomes it. And then it's just like a whole... They should just all be like royal cousins. Right, right. Well, it's funny because I've heard the word abdicate.

Like, that I know of. But the idea of retiring from – I think abdicate is when you have like the throne. But this guy doesn't have that, but he's just retiring from royal life. I mean, he went out. He married a half-black, divorced, Hollywood American. That's like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, Robert. Fuck, fuck went out, he married a half black, divorced Hollywood American. Like, that's like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, Robert. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

And then he's just like one giant fuck you. I'm totally out. I don't understand. Like, there's no way he wants to be out. Oh, I don't know. No, I think it's because there's so much brainwashing. And oh, yeah. Yes.

Well, so like one of the lines in the fucking statement is like we're trying to become independently financially yeah stable whatever it was yeah but you grew up a royal that's not your lifelong goal is to start making your own fucking money yeah but no see here's what i think the reason why i mean i feel like that statement was like you got to play it safe here because this to me is like the mafia it's like you can't just like quit you got to play it safe here. Because to me, this is like the mafia. It's like, you can't just like quit. You know? You know all the secrets. We've been telling you things forever.

I would be nervous to just like try to quit the royal family. Next thing you know, you get sniper rifled by John Henry. Like that to me is like, we can't. You're either in or you're fucking out out. But that to me was like, I'm not going to take your money. I'm going to support Her Majesty the Queen. Like, just let me go. You know what I mean? Like, that was almost his way of being like, I'm not going to take your money. I'm going to support Her Majesty the Queen. Like, just let me go. You know what I mean?

Like, that was almost his way of being like, I want out, and that means you don't have to worry about me. You don't have to support me. I won't be a leech. I'll still have your back. But don't worry. I'm not going to, like, go against the family sort of thing. Just, like, let's go our separate ways. To me, I think if you can pull it off, it's brilliant.

I think that Harry, I mean, it's almost, I said on radio, it's like being, like being it's like reggie bush like you can't vacate these wins he's still a royal so if you get to remove yourself from all the bullshit they have to do all their all their old traditions and like you have to dress this way and act this way but you still get to be i'm fucking prince harry for life it's the best of both worlds i think this this marriage has three years left tops yeah well that's i mean that's uh that's a different debate, I think. What she did is she killed his dream. What? What was his dream?

Grow up and do nothing. Yeah. It's like, you gotta go get a job. If someone prevents you from getting your dream job, if you give, right, like say one of those stories where it's like, oh, I didn't go to law school because I wanted to get a job to support you to go to medical school or whatever the fuck it is. You kind of hear bullshit like that.

I didn't go to the Super Bowl. You grow to resent someone. And that seed is planted and it will grow into a tree of hate. And Harry's like, all my life, I just wanted to live off British taxpayers' dollars. And I had that. I had that. And live in palaces and fucking not do anything. And now I have to live in Canada

and fucking get a job? Like what is his job going to be? He's going to work at Rose Apothecary? Yeah. Like what the fuck is Harry going to do? I mean unless they're just going to do a reality TV show, no? Like that's how they're going to make money.

I don't think they're going to they're not going to do anything. Meghan Markle's fucking set she'll probably go back to Hollywood. Are they though? Like sets? We're talking like set money if you don't have the royal checkbook? Yes. How anything. Meghan Markle's fucking set. She'll probably go back to Hollywood. Are they, though? Like, sets? We're talking, like, set money if you don't have the royal checkbook? Yes.

How much did Meghan Markle make? Because you definitely have. Meghan Markle made millions, for sure. But, like, how many to be like, we don't have to work anymore? In Canada? I don't know. I think you need to have big money to not work. I don't think so.

And to still maintain a fancy lifestyle? You think they're never taking... I mean, you don't have to maintain that level. But also, like, they're never taking for i mean you don't have to maintain that level but also like they're gonna get money well i mean i guess it depends on how much like this breakup you know how much this like retirement really is yeah i mean they got a buyout for sure well that's fucking matt rule had a buyout from baylor you think they have a buyout from the royal family megan markel is worth five million dollars and and prince harry is reportedly around 19 million but that's like their money that's not his money because if it was their money that

number is way way way higher it's probably like independently from like from his fucking trust funds that's what i mean like it might be in his account but it's from being a royal that if that gravy train stops like cuts off no it's in my accounts my money right but okay so fine he has 20 million dollars which you can live off for the rest of your life not if you're prince harry you're used to like partying in vegas and fucking you know megan markle and her expensive lifestyle they're gonna have to get a job they're gonna have to have some income i'm not like i'm not saying he's gonna work at the gas station but they're gonna need to do like like speeches or a book or something.

Yeah, that's fine. They can do that shit anyway. But, I mean, that's where, like, Harry's going to – that's going to be a rude awakening for Harry. What do you think Meghan Markle's not bringing in on the silver screen or on TV? Guess what? Her fucking – she makes a lot more now. I feel like that is probably – she was not, like, going to go be an actress

if she was just going to sit around and be a princess, right? She wasn't allowed to. You're not allowed to, right. So now she can go back and be like leading lady, like pal. I'm the princess. Yeah. Do you want the princess in your movie? $30 million.

So that to me – that was – this is the most hyper steroid injected version of a girl like making you change the way you dress you know when the when it's like man you used to just like hang out with the boys and now you're wearing like you know like fancy suits and you go you know you don't hang around anymore it's like it's how annoying that is for that guy and his friends now imagine that if you have the ultimate gravy train in billions of dollars from the fucking royal family and she made you give that shit up but and like if not even that two words like the rules had been clearly laid out for you before we even did yeah you knew what you were getting into it was you had a taste of it you'd seen what happened to other princesses i mean you'd see what happened to my fucking mom

yeah um right but don't you also don't you tip the cap then like this this chick like she probably knew that and she had a plan and she executed it the i do think and this could be the romantic in me i do think that he genuinely loves her because he did he had like a fucking kind of baller quote where it was when megan megan went away from public life for a little while yeah and came back and was like crying talking about it how it's really hard and it is one of those things too where i think like coming to barcelona is much more extreme and but it's one of those things we're like i get it i get it i get it and then you are hired barcelona employee and your first day you're not like oh i can handle the heat no you can't right

you don't know you felt a different version of heat than this heat exactly and like i think his quote was something like i allowed you to kill my – Yeah, I'm not going to let you do it. I won't allow you to do it. Well, that's why I actually believe that as much as I'm joking about her making him do it, he might be fed up. He might be fed up. Yeah. Like, you killed my mom, and now you're ruining the girl I love.

I think it's time for me to bounce. There might actually be some pure intentions here. There is. It's one of those things. I mean, what's happiness? It's like the homeless guy versus me. Yeah. I might actually be some pure intentions here. There is. It's one of those things that's like, what's happiness? It's like the homeless guy versus me. Yeah.

I got a job. I got a roof. I don't have windows. I don't have walls, but I got a job and a roof. And guess what? That guy's content and better than me.

Maybe Harry's like, look, I've had the money and I'm still not happy. Let's go see what it's like and shit's good. He went to war, right? I feel like he kind of, I feel like he's always been

like searching for his purpose. He joined the military. He made it into war. But like, you know, I think... he kind of – I feel like he's always been like searching for his purpose. He joined the military. He made it into the war. But like, you know, I think – He did two tours. Two tours. So he did – he saw like active duty. So I feel like William was always the one that was like, I'm going to be the royal.

And he never really liked it. He was the party boy. He kind of wanted to get away from it. And now like he has his chance. It might sound crazy because it's like, you know, giving up a ton of money or – but like you said, you're probably not giving up all the money. But it's a power move to be like i'm all good i'm out you know it's like it's almost like uh i mean like the american version was james harden breaking up with chloe like i can't do this kardashian shit yeah i'm out of here i don't want this family i'm

sure there are a lot of families or a lot of people who were like i wish i could do this motherfucker did it yeah yeah he risked a lot more than you and also like he's gonna be fine yeah yeah he's gonna be fine and and if he does have if he does have like an ounce of personality or anything that he he is now allowed to do like it'd be kind of cool maybe they're gonna have a podcast maybe there's gonna be a harry and megan podcast i'd listen to the shit out of that i'd also watch a sex tape Those two should put out a sex tape Let's get into our voicemails

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We're really setting the bar low for accomplishment right but guess what like if i can't get over it still kevin i know i know i mean i'm not gonna do it i still am not breaking the threat i still trip over that bar i don't do it it drives me crazy it is annoying it's enough of a task that i i'm too annoyed to do it but if a motherfucker comes up to me being like i'm so accomplished today because i made my bed fuck off okay but if someone comes to me and says they will rattle in those pots and pans and they made themselves and their date or their family a nice meal now that i'm gonna get impressed uh by this comes with 10 free meals when you go to what yeah 10 free meals you

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The amount of, like, I get myself, I get an appetizer, a meal, maybe a dessert. I get a ton of extra stuff because I feel rude. It's not a lot. I'm making a guy cum. I should get more. I'll throw three apps on there of fucking dessert. Throw it all away. Making a guy cum.

Just bring that homeless asshole. Look what I can do, bitch. I can give food away. I don't even need this shit. But yeah, I mean, the amount of money that a meal costs, it's just like between the fees and then this and that, all of a sudden it's 50 bucks every time. It's crazy.

So that truly is like an addiction. You ever see that, that, that a meme where it's like a handful of pills, but each pill is like a social media app and it's like, which one are you addicted to? But like, I think I'm doing Venmo.

Yeah. Yeah. But you put two apps on there. Get the fuck out of here with Venmo, but, but, but I think cloud and LinkedIn, all your addiction, music, your addiction, finding jobs, Yeah You can put two apps on there Get the fuck out of here With Venmo With SoundCloud And LinkedIn

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slash KFC10. Someone was talking to me about this the other day. You just reminded me of that with the saving the time of the grocery shopping and all that. And it was just like, do you think about how much more time we have than anyone else has ever been alive?

Yes. What do we do with it? Rogan just had on, I want to say Joe DeRosa. He had Mark Normand. He had some comedian on who said like. Oh, honestly, this must have been what I saw. On Instagram too? Yeah. Yeah.

So it was on Rogan. So he was like, you know, my dad used to have to call a travel agent and sit on the phone for, like, you know, 20 minutes to book a flight and go somewhere. I do that in two seconds, and I just save myself, you know, 19 minutes. Yeah, and you add up all that convenience. You have more time to accomplish or to read or to do whatever, and yet we are still relatively the same pieces of shit, you know? Like, I even think about the information, think about the information highway, the internet. I should be wildly smarter than my grandpa. I don't think I really am, right?

I would say he's dumber. Yeah, right. But I guess there's a difference between intelligence and information, right? Yeah, not both. You think that my grandfather just just like knew more like facts? That I don't think so. Yeah. Because I think I've been reading the internet

and just picking up dumb shit all the time. You remember any of it. Well, I guess that's the thing is really, it's like you can have access to the information, but if you don't retain it, it doesn't matter. So you think I'm stupider and less informed than my grandfather was? You mean me personally or like us?

Us. The two of us. Yeah. The golden of us. Yeah. The golden us, the men of the table. The royal we. That's what I meant to say, obviously. I didn't retain it. I like the golden us, though.

I like that. The – fuck. I didn't retain it. That's funny. You grab out a lot thought it was funny too. But I mean, it should be that we, I know more about like, like,

like, the golden, the goddamn asshole. I thought that was just you, like you came up with something. The fact that you thought that was his thing is crazy. Yeah.

I thought you came up with your own version of it. You're creative. No, you're just dumb. Yeah, that's definitely what I did. But like Jeopardy, Jeopardy, we all should be like, what I fucked up is your own version of it. You're creative. No, you're just dumb. Yeah, that's definitely what I did. But like Jeopardy. The golden us.

Jeopardy, we all should be like Jeopardy. What I fucked up is the golden rule of the royal way and just put in the wrong word. This is going to be a good producer game episode because he's fucking laughing over there. He's like, you are dumb. We should all be pretty good Jeopardy contestants. But we're not. We all have just so much access to not even things that we seek out. It's just like if you're fucking around on the internet, you're going to see information that you just never would have come across if you were generations ago.

I guess you have to retain it. But we all should be getting smarter and more informed. And I think maybe it's overload. Maybe it's too much and you block everything out. I think that's what it is So it's better to specialize And just read a book Like when your grandpa did And you knew a lot about XYZ Versus like

I can't remember even Common phrases Because my brain's broken You only remember things From college Because that's when You were focused on it It's like specialized classes

Like when I was fucking Learning about A different century Every day In elementary school I don't really Yeah I could give you Like a loose explanation

Of what happened At the Revolutionary War But like I never took the Revolutionary War. But I never took a Revolutionary War class, so it's like, here's this, here's this, here's this, here's this, and I don't really remember any of that. It's all gone. I don't remember what the fuck the point of any of this was. What was the point of my formative years? I have no memory of them.

Seriously. Well, I guess we're just dumb pieces of shit. Let's use our skill and do some voicemails. One more thing. One more thing before we end the voicemails. We've teased it like three times now. I want this clipped because I want it shown to the people of Barstool Sports. I mentioned this at the Philly Live show.

When someone comes into the bathroom and you are shitting, it is cultural law. Now you just tighten up for a second. You shut the fuck up. You get invisible in there. Did someone just let the trap door out? I just heard someone's naked asshole farting. And it's like, this is disgusting. I can hear your naked asshole farting.

Let me just pee in peace and you can fucking blow this place up once I get out of here. I mean – Let the friendlies clear before you blow the bomb. He was grunting. I don't know who it was. It was like – What are you doing? What kind of fucking world are we living in where that's allowed?

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a second because the goal and us here, we're in agreement. But maybe he was just holding it while someone else was in there. Too bad. But sometimes your body just goes. Cut the fuse. No. No, you got to have better body control. But I mean, eventually the poop just comes out.

No. No way. I've never had poop fall out of my butt. You've never been like rushing to the bathroom? Not once in this life have I had poop fall out of my butt. The only poop that's coming out of my butt is when I want it to. I have complete control over my spirit. Next topic.

Next voicemail. KFC fights. Super Root is BC. What's going on? This is Justin, your boy from Massachusetts. I got a little hypothetical for you guys. I'm just wondering if you can have the clout of anyone in the world for 24 hours, how are you going to make the most amount of money?

You can't have access to their funds or anything. For example, I could be Kanye West, put on a concert for 24 hours and charge $100 a mission or something. If it's me, I'm taking the Pope and I'm putting out some crazy propaganda there, some crazy money. Let me know what you think. Mine wasn't even going to be propaganda. I was going to be the Pope

and I was going to open my Venmo. I was going to be the Pope and I was going to light Notre Dame on fire. Sure. There you go. That's actually the most practical one. Go set another fire. It can't be Notre Dame. It's got to be another one. The Vatican. If I get trillions of dollars, they'll donate a billion in a day. If I was the Pope and I just said, open my Venmo, I bet you it's almost like

when Cards Against Humanity said, give me some money, we're going to give you nothing, and they did it anyway. The Pope, you don't even need a reason. There's so many religious crazies. If you just said, at Pope Venmo, send me money, because I'm the Pope, cash money. And then if you did have a reason, if you want to go the propaganda route, or you want to say we're raising money to keep the gays out of hell or something like that, really rally the Catholic nuts, you'll get banked.

You mean keep the gays in hell? Out of heaven? Yeah, out of heaven. Yeah, or, you know, send me the Venmo. I'm going to make sure all, like, condoms don't exist anymore. Like, abortion clinics are gone. You get a billion overnight. Yeah, I mean, there's... Pope is the way to go. don't exist anymore. Like abortion clinics are gone. You get a billion overnight. Yeah. I mean, there's... Pope is the way to go.

Pope or... You have to have power to get money quickly and like the Pope has like the most power. Yeah, there... Maybe the royal family. Not only power,

but you also have to have the... No, because I don't think the royal family is like well-liked in Britain. I don't think they're hated, but it's not like... Here, take all my money. Whatever you say is fine.

I think people find them entertaining. Right. That's pretty much it. But maybe I'm wrong. I don't know if I hated, but it's not like whatever you say is fine. I think people find them entertaining. That's pretty much it. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I've never even been to Britain. Could I become Jerry Jones and sell the Cowboys in a night? Does that count as accessing their money? What if you just take someone who has something of serious value and just sell it?

That also works. I was going to say Brad Pitt because I thought he said LDC cool. I hear clout. That's all I think of. So you're not talking about money. You just want to be cool for the night. I think, yeah, just one night at Cleveland. But that would be one of those things too where I just commit suicide after.

Yeah, oh, that's, you know, once you've tasted the good life, you know, you'll be chasing that dragon the rest of your life. I think just to be able to feel that. Maybe I could just pick up like a couple of idiosyncrasies From being in his mind for a bit Like oh this is how he thinks Whoa This is how his brain works

That would be cool As like a social anxiety misfit I would be Brad Pitt I would walk into a party And take notes of how my brain just like feels Like oh So I should think this way The next time

Because knowledge is better than money You know That's right Would you rather have $50,000 notes of how my brain just like feels. Yeah. Like, oh, so I should think this way. And next time, yeah, that. But I was like. Because knowledge is better than money, you know? That's right. Would you rather have $50,000 or go to dinner with Jay-Z? Right. Right. I'll take that dinner. What if you were the Pope and you sold the sex tape to TMZ?

Whoa. Pope sex tape? I don't think you'd get more than if you promised gays wouldn't get into heaven. Right. But sex. Because you need the crazy followers. You need the cult followers. All right, so I'll be a Kardashian and I'll sell a sex tape again. I mean, it already launched a billion-dollar empire.

If you're Kylie now... But then once you're not her anymore, you no longer are benefiting from it. Oh, you've got to be able to take the money with you sort of thing? I think it's one of those things where it's like, yes, that would be a great start. But then everything they've done since then, you would no longer be a part of. But couldn't I be like set up an account or some shit like that? Just siphon it off? I don't know.

You probably could like a manager does, but they usually get caught. Yeah. I don't know if you're smart enough for it. Yeah. I mean I got to know the parameters here. Do I have to have the cash in my hand at the end of the night, at midnight when I turn back to myself? All right.

That's a little different. But then the quickest ways to make money in general would be like a Kardashian making a sex tape right now. How much do you think it would go for? If Kylie, if you did it, like I don't think you could sell it to Vivian. Like TMZ pays like $200. No, that's what I mean. It would have to be more

like, you know, these comedians just like Louis C.K. where he's like, I'm going to do this by myself. If Kylie controlled her own sex tape and was like, you got to pay, like pay-per-view, big money. Yeah. Because, I mean, how much would you pay for – maybe you don't even care about Kylie, but just like the interest

or just be able to see the blogger in you or whatever. Like pick that person and it's like, would you pay $20 to watch her? Yeah, but would you right now pay for a Kylie sex tape? Yes. I mean, why? To watch Kylie. Watch Kylie's sex. You don't think

it's going to be free tomorrow? No. What sex tape are we not seeing? Again, I'm a big I pay for content guy. I feel like, by the way,

you do pay for porn. You're the only one. I don't think it would be. I pay for porn. I pay for news. I pay for my content. I would definitely pay for I don't think it would be. I pay for porn. I pay for news. I pay for my content. I would definitely pay for it if I thought it was an ironclad. The only way you could see it was this.

I think if they release a sex tape, I think tomorrow it will be every point cipher free. I don't think so. I feel like it will be scrubbed. I feel like the Kardashians won't do that. Because Kim's is not available everywhere. They wanted Kim's out there. Kim's is the one that launched the whole empire. I feel like right now,

there's no value to Kylie's sex tape unless they cash in on it. I mean, we've seen a sex tape get scrubbed from the internet fucking year. So if Dave Portnoy can do it, then I think Kylie and Chris can definitely do it. I feel like I would pay for it just because I want it immediately.

I want to see it right now. It wasn't even a question to me. The moment I saw that tweet, how much money though? Where's your cutoff? Would it be $100? $500? I mean, this is expensive at the company.

But I'd pay for it anyway, even if I wasn't. But I'd pay $500. I mean, it's a cultural event. You know what I would do, too? You've got to do something like. I'd pay $500 without blinking. Once we start talking thousands, then I'm like, eh. Yeah, I agree.

It's a cultural event. It's like, I'm not even going to drag off to this. I'm like, eh. Yeah, I agree. It's a cultural event. It's like, I'm not even going to drag off to this. I'm going to write about this, talk about this. My kids are going to know about this one. What about like I would be, I guess it's not that much money, but like if you became a music, like if I'm going to go be Dr. Dre and release Detox, you know, finally give the people what they want in charge of $100 an album. People would pay for that.

Or that one Wu-Tang album that's just sitting in the fucking bank or something like that. You can make a little bit of money. You can't make Pope sex tape money. Ain't no money like Pope sex tape money, okay?

But really, it's like sex sells and like, or could you, could I become somebody and like take my company public? There's gotta be some like banging company

that's like, you know, private and be like, sell that and be like sell that shit he said you don't have access you only have 24 hours i don't think you have any of their stuff i think it's just like it's like xiao hao for some reason on this day when people look at you they think you have the cloud right so like so like kanye you could perform like kanye so that's how you could put on a act but you have to be like that money right away you have to announce i am here i mean well the only thing you know unless you have a talent like, you have one day. You have to announce, I am here. Well, the only thing, you know, unless you have a talent, so unless you're jumping into someone who can sing or whatever, the only thing that you can do is fuck.

So sex tapes for everyone. That's the quickest way, right? Yeah, but, like, I mean, you could be Chappelle and be like, I'm doing this. And, like, I don't even know if you get the talent, but you just get up there and just like i don't know pretend you're drunk or something like people like what a disaster that was and they would kill chapelle yeah exactly you kill chapelle's career but you that's what i would do i would i would like take him hostage i go to the real kanya and be like listen i'm about to ruin your career give me give me all your money. That's a good one, though. That's a good ATI question.

That's a good social media question. So get at us. Who would you become for 24 hours if you could try to steal all their money? Hey, KFC Fights, super producer. So I've been dating my girlfriend for a little under two years. And when we first started dating, I was very adamant about not sharing my location with her on my phone. I just told her that it's not something that I want to do. I'm not like, I don't like anyone really knowing where I am when I don't want them to know where I am.

And she was cool about that. And then I think one night we got drunk. I tried to send her my location and it ended up sharing my location with her anyway um so now she just has my location all the time and i know she would freak out if i just stopped sharing it with her she'd be like what the fuck why are you stop sharing with me and it's become like a little bit of an issue like when i'm out somewhere that i don't want her to know i'm out just because I don't want to hang out or anything. Or if I want to go, like, buy a little weed and don't want her to know I'm going to buy weed, like, she can basically look up where I am whenever I am and she'll call me out on it. So, and I'm wrong for, like, not wanting her to know where I am.

No! I've gotten in, like, a fight about it before where I was saying how it's weird that she just looks up my location sometimes. No! Yeah, this... My man is so brainwashed, he has to ask this question. This is not natural. And it has nothing to do with, like, that doesn't mean you're hiding something, you're cheating, you're a bad person. It is not normal and natural to have someone staring at your whereabouts and knowing your every move, everywhere you go. And girls are so fucking stupid and short-sighted with this shit. They're so obsessed with snooping and knowing that they think they want this.

You know what I mean? This girl's probably like, yes, I've got it. Now he can't go. And, like, it's going to ruin your relationship. You want this boy and this guy in your life, and you want him so much so that you're going to ruin it. He's going to resent you, and you're going to break up. Just think about all the shit that back when divorce rate was low and back when families were happy and all that shit. Well, that was probably because they used to just hit their wives

and they would just stay in line. Whatever. Just forget about that part. You bring up the D word, you get punched in the face. That's why. But like, all right. Everyone was held captive. We loved it

Nobody broke up The good old days folks There was a very funny On the degenerates Adrian Pellucci Amanda Pellucci She does a very funny bit about being a feminist But not really

And she was like yeah All they had to worry about was not getting hit hit that was that was all the feminist was like just don't hit me but um for all right this is literally tracking you with your gps like that was something they never had like old couples never had to worry about but even down to just like the text message just like where are you like when are you gonna be home what are you gonna be what are you doing like they couldn't even do that it was just like uh maybe i'll call from a payphone but otherwise i'll be home when i fucking get home and that's it you know like the constant uh like ball it's a literal ball and chain now it's a figurative it's like a technological ball and chain it's like you know everything at all times where who

what when where why at all times and if you don't know you keep asking you know who you're blaming the wrong people though you gotta blame guys for this for allowing it you gotta blame men no because women find it normal to have trackers on people because they have them on all their friends right because we rape girls yeah yeah it's our it's really we've made our own bed here if we've that's the theme of the making the bed. If we didn't really rape and beat and kidnap women, like every girl I know has all of their friends tracked. So it's not crazy to be like, well, you're my friend now. I tracked you. But like I'm 6'1", 220, 230, and I'm okay.

No one is choosing to attack me. It's not because it's just I look like a risk. I'm not, but I look like one. I have the body of a risk. So you don't need my tracker. I'm good. I'm going to get home okay. No one's going to fucking attack me.

They're going to attack you because you're the easier fight we got a doug smith on the show we have a story about him uh breaking up a a rape and and we were talking about what we would do in that in that situation i think now if i ever encounter it a rapist i'm gonna go up to him like hey buddy you're making my relationship really fucking tough. Stop raping that girl because my girlfriend's going to ask me for a GPS tracker, you dickhead. Bros before hoes and bros. Stop making my girl think it's normal to have my GPS.

That's true. You keep raping her hoes. I mean, I certainly understand your point. So next time a girl says, like, let me track your location, just say I'm not a rape risk. Yeah. I'm not an assault risk. No, I will not. No, because I can't be raped.

Next question. I mean, but it really it's great. Like, you know, you think you you think you're stopping cheating or whatever. Right. And you are. But you're also stopping. whatever, right? And you are. But you're also stopping like, I just want to grab a quick beer before I hit the train. And so I'm not getting the 5.30 train. I'm getting the 6 o'clock.

But I'm just going to have a quick beer with my buddy. And you're stopping me from doing that because I know you're going to see my genius. Why would you have a quick beer alone? Alone, right. I need to – before I get home to work and talk more, need to decompress some more because that is like one i was talking about that with uh chris and uh yannis today when you were and we're just talking about how like they were talking about how so obviously i guess was getting out there history hyenas will be on next tuesday's episode it's fucking crazy it's awesome um but we went on for an hour just like

bam bam bam and it was they were both like god i'm fucking exhausted i was like thank god like i am yeah it's like takes it out of you. It's exhausting. Again, it would be fun to tell it to a coal miner. I get that, all that. It's silly, but it also is. And like sometimes when you leave work – it can be any job. When you leave work where your brain is on fire, like I just need to chill for a minute. Right.

And sometimes it's on a Saturday. I don't want to go to the farm. I don't want to go with your mom to lunch. I don't want – anywhere. It doesn't matter. It could be somewhere fucking awesome. I don't want to go to the farm Or I don't want to go With your mom to lunch Anywhere it doesn't matter It could be somewhere fucking awesome I don't want to go to the Pats game I just want to chill and relax Have a beer go to my local spot

Go for a drive Just not under your watch all the time It doesn't always I feel like girls are like if he's not with me he's fucking somebody There's a big in between Where we might not be together. You might not know my whereabouts. And it's maybe something I don't want you to know, but it's also not something nefarious.

It's not something like I'm not breaking rules. It's just like I want to. There are so many. You talk about how people talk about the country's divided and all that. Everything's so divisive now where it's just like, I can definitely be doing something you probably don't want to know about, but it's not the worst thing in the world. It's not the end of the world. It's almost like, let me see your text messages.

And it's like, no. It's like, oh, why? Are you cheating? It's like, no, but there's other shit in there that you might be offended by or I don't want you to see. And it's like Tom Brady with the flake gates. I wasn't talking about the fucking plated balls But the shit you don't get to see I honestly think the answer

If a girl's like Tell me where you are Or let me track you Okay I will but it's going to ruin our relationship We're going to break up over this Eventually You still want it? You can track me for another three months before I break up with you.

Or we can be happy together for years if you just don't fucking expect to track me. I mean, this shit is like Mission Impossible. Like, I swear to God, I think they would put like a chip under our skin if they could. It's nuts. Leave us alone. Are there any guys who track the girls, you think? Oh, definitely. Probably, right?

Definitely. You're a fucking loser to them. You're a fucking moron. Yeah, so I don't want to just paint it as a girl thing. Anybody who wants to track their significant other, because that's the difference, too. Girls track their friends for the worst case scenario. They're not looking like, oh, my God, he's at Brendan's apartment again on 31st Street. You know what I mean?

It's like, as long as you're not dying, you're good. Right. But that's not what you're going to apply that to me. Check where your friends are. Like? It's like they're just – as long as you're not dying, like you're good. Right. But that's not what you're – you're not going to apply that to me. Wake up Saturday morning, check where your friends are. Like everyone looks like they're home or friends. That's good. But you're not going to apply that to me. You're going to be like, well, why weren't you here?

Why weren't you there? It's like if you want to track my location to make sure I'm not getting murdered, fine. But you want to track my location because you can't like let me be alone for any moment. I also think the same thing about having like your money pooled together. I think if a guy wants to be able to grab $100 to go buy some weed, like this guy, and that's going to be scrutinized, you're going to resent that girl and eventually

dump her. You have to have your own money and your own time and your own space. Last voicemail of the day before we get into Jim Gaffigan and Doug Smith. What do we got, Nick? Hey guys, this is Marty. I'm a big fan. I just got a quick hypothetical. Jim Gaffigan and Doug Smith. What do we got, Nick? Hey, guys. This is Marty. Big fan.

I just called a quick hypothetical. I'm assuming you guys have seen the movie Richie Rich. So if you guys had the money Richie Rich had, what fast food restaurant would you have in your house? Thanks, guys. Viva. Great question. By the way, do you remember the movie Blank Check? Yeah.

He wrote that check for like one million dollars And he bought like Everything in the world Yeah It's not fast food But ever since Tyrese And Aziz Ansari And them

Having a Benihana In your house Oh yeah Remember that What was it Tyrese's house I think it was Tyrese's house It was

That Fast and Furious money Yeah That's crazy Aziz was there And a couple other stars And they were playing Like I woke up In my Bugatti or whatever

Yeah Dancing And the guys Fucking hitting the stove That one is awesome Aziz was there and a couple of the stars and they were playing like I woke up in my Bugatti or whatever. The guys fucking hitting the stove. That one is awesome. If we're talking just fast food, I mean, let's say pick one. Which ones do you want? That's easy. Wendy's, McDonald's, Taco Bell. You have all your hits. So if you get one fast food restaurant in your house, which one is it?

I think probably McDonald's. I think that's not the sexy choice anymore but i think i think it's good old-fashioned america i think that's the fastball i also would maybe by the way maybe that's the problem like maybe have a little foresight here and pick one that you don't love the most because if i got a mcdonald's in my house your boy's dead in like six months you know what i mean so it's like i thought about maybe pick your fourth favorite one because you know you won't eat it every day but chick-fil-a would be nice because you can flex and be like Sunday Chick-fil-A. Yeah, that's true.

Come to my house. And also you could let gay porn companies film there. That'd be funny. Probably make a lot of money for that. Yeah, big time. Maybe that's what I would do. I've now taken it into my revenue. I'm now making income out of my personal thing.

You've got to clean it up after, okay? Yeah. Clean up the cum. Yeah, you've got to clean up the cum yeah you gotta clean up the cum that's for sure what maybe that's what i for 24 hours i would jump into the owner chick fil a and and open up chick fil a's on sundays for the gay porn and then i get all the money there's something there i'll workshop that one but yeah chick chick fil a is a good but i mean you know those fries a big mac some burger i mean but i all but i i think my answer would be taco Chick-fil-A is a good – but I mean most fries, a Big Mac, some burgers.

But I think my answer would be Taco Bell because I don't think I would eat that every single meal. But if I could have a cheesy gordita crunch on deck whenever I wanted, that to me I think would be ideal. What a – not inconvenience, but what an expense that would be. That fully functioning... Like, how rich would you have to be to have a fully functioning... I think to get even, like, a franchise, it's like... I think it's like life savings to get one of those, right? Yeah, I'd be like, yeah, probably $250. I think it's like $200, $250 to get a franchise on the ground. And then after that...

Like, McDonald's, I saw the McDonald's movie... What was the one about Ray Kroc? What? The one about Ray Kroc? What? The one about Ray Kroc with. Oh, yeah. I know what you're talking about, but I don't remember the name. But it was like McDonald's isn't a fast food company. It's a real estate company where it's basically like they sell the land and then allow you to build a McDonald's there.

Yeah. It's a pretty interesting movie. Ray Kroc's a fucking piece of shit. Like anyone who's successful. A there. Yeah. It's a pretty interesting movie. Ray Kroc's a fucking piece of shit. Like anyone who's successful. A billionaire. Yeah, yeah. But the, but yeah, it would be just the expense to have like, okay, we're running these. To run it.

Yeah. Yeah. Like we have three employees who just sit here basically 99% of the week. Yeah. Right. And once in a while come down and say, can I have a cheeseburger please? I think I want just like just like baby steps here. I just want the fountain soda machine.

Yeah, that's a good one. Give me McDonald's Sprite at my house. I don't even need the machine. I just need the Sprite, just the one. That would be pretty fucking awesome. I saw a meme today. It said someone inventing McDonald's Sprite, and it was one of those cages of ice going into a fry machine.

That's exactly what it's like, pouring liquid fire. I feel like that's such a weird novelty. If you have a house party, people show up, and you have a fountain soda machine, everyone's ooh and a nah. That's true. And I don't know if it takes all that much. I mean, you probably have to get wholesale syrup delivered to your house or some shit,

but I think it might be worth it. I might look into getting a fucking condom just for myself, just for Instagram videos. Yeah. All right. Solid voicemails, good episode, and it's about to get even better with the legend Jim Gaffigan and an all-time story from Doug Smith. We alluded to both of these interviews. Let's get right into them.

Jim Gaffigan on KFC Radio is brought to you by PassPass. Now this. I've been hitting the gym, as you can tell. Of course. Yep. I have not been hitting the gym. I've been meaning to get back into it, but I have been eating good. I still just wear black on the days

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gonna get a probably a better work. Like if I go to the gym for like an hour, I know I'm probably getting like 30% out of it. You need someone yelling at you. Yeah, and you need someone who's like we're here for one hour and you're paying for it. So like you're not going to sit on your phone in between sets for seven minutes at a time. So doing the classes is definitely the way to like not be bored by it, not fall into the rut. You don't go to the same gym. You don't do the same workout over and over again. Class Pass, it's an all-access membership. ClassPass is definitely the way to not be bored by it, not fall into the rut. You don't go to the same gym.

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30,000. What? You get access to 30,000 of the best gyms and fitness studios all over the world. You were close. You were close. Four? Oh, I feel like the gyms are big conglomerates. They're just part of a big gym. They're all owned by the same gym.

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One more time. That's classpass.com slash new years. Let's talk to the legend, Jim Gaffigan. All right, we got the legendary Jim Gaffigan in studio. We appreciate you coming through. You really are a legend. You're an all-timer. You made me cry today.

Just get that out of the way. That's all right. Yeah, it's Troop Zero. It's what we're here promoting. It comes out January 17th on Amazon, and I cried watching it today. You know what? You're not the first person to say that. Really?

I cried at work, at this place of work, where I will be belittled for crying, and I was still at my desk weeping. I tell you, I think saying that at Barstool takes a lot more bravery than people think. Oh, I assure you. Doing anything to better yourself really is – I've said that before. Do you care? Do you have self-help? Do you have emotions?

Do you care about yourself? You're a loser. At this office, I hide when I take my multivitamin every day. And I duck under my desk. I just kind of pop it in. And I'd be like, does someone have a joint? But I'm like, hang on. This is a multivitamin.

This is a real one. My Flintstone over here. But listen, I mean, there's some heartfelt stuff in that movie. And that final scene, without spoiling it for anyone, is certainly emotional. And it's, you know, your first couple forays into the world of movies seems to be going well oh well thanks yeah no it's i mean acting is so fun it's just impossible to figure out how to get the jobs you know i mean i'm spoiled you know stand up you come up with an idea you can do it on stage that night you You're in control of it all yourself. You go in and you'd like to be considered.

You kind of prove that you're a good partner and stuff like that. But you've got to be the right person for the right role. Now, would you say that you – because when you first moved to New York, you were taking acting classes. Was that before stand-up or after stand-up? It was before. I was doing improv and acting. So was stand-up the one that hit first? Yeah. Or you wanted to be an actor was stand-up the one that hit first?

Yeah. Or you wanted to be an actor, but stand-up just happened to hit first? Well, I would say technically, I mean, I don't know. Some people don't think commercials are real. But I made my living as a commercial actor. And I had some sitcom shows before stand-up really took off. So when I had my first comedy special on Comedy Central, the USA Today listed me as sitcom actor. Oh, really?

Does stand-up. But I had been doing stand-up for 15 years at that point. So the stand-up obviously takes off. And we've had the honor of talking to several comedians who I think are great with Nate Bargatze and Brian Regan and Jeff Foxworthy who are, you know, quote unquote clean comics. I feel like everybody, each of them kind of had their own different reason for why they did it. And it sounds like you used to let it fly and then decided to take that out of your act. Yeah. I mean, some of it, there's a bunch of reasons, but some of it was, you know,

I would say the big picture is authenticity. You know, it's not to say I don't curse in everyday life, but I also am from a small town in Indiana where if you were cursing on stage, it would be kind of like, why are you doing that? You know what I mean? Like, did you stub your toe? But then there was the practical reason. you were cursing on stage it would be kind of like why are you doing that you know i mean like did you stub your toe but then there was the practical reason i started doing um these sets

these multiple sets on uh conan o'brien and letterman and you couldn't curse on tv i like how you correct like you like added o'bBrien as if it could have been a different Conan. Yeah. I was like, it was Conan. The O'Brien. The barbarian show. And you couldn't curse. And so, like, I would look at my material and I'd have to, like, I didn't curse that much. I wasn't, like, super filthy. But, like, there were network standards. And removing the curse words made me realize that

i was kind of not done with the joke anyway kind of like a crutch yeah yeah so it wasn't like a huge crush and i do think that and i'm sure nate and brian would say that some of my favorite comedians are filthy it's and that's where it goes back to authenticity that's you know where it's like yeah as long as you're you know if you don't curse, don't curse. Don't force it one way or the other, right? I don't want to hear Chris Rock or Louis Black not curse. I want to hear them curse. Right.

And also it's like what kind of works for you. Like I'm, you know, I have anger. But like if I'm angry on stage, it's not as funny as when, say, Louis Black is angry on stage. Do you think you're drawn to them because of the difference? I feel like in pro sports a lot, professional baseball players are like, I don't like baseball. I prefer to go home and watch football because I do this all day. That's my lane. Do you think, like, I'm a clean comic.

I like to see someone really go off. Oh, I don't know yeah i think it's you know when you've done stand-up you know you do it for 10 years you consume so much of it that i would say nate and brian are two of my favorites but some of it is i don't think it has so much to do with the cursing it has to do with um the individual kind of point of view like i think that brian's point of view and and nate's and david tell's point of view is very unique and some of it is maybe because i know these people that i can even appreciate it more but it doesn't matter if it's cursing or i mean you know like i you know, I find it very interesting to watch someone like Carrot Top.

You know, I mean, I think it's like, you know, like we go through like this purity test of what is what is art or what is this? And it's like you do it long enough and you're like, it's just about whether it's funny or not. Yeah. Funny is funny. It doesn't matter if you say fuck or not. I get it. It's just make people laugh. That kind of reminds me of a story.

I think it was – I forget if I'm getting it wrong, but I believe it was Andy Samberg and Bill Hader were both in an elevator up to their SNL auditions. And Samberg had a ton of props and Hader had none. And in Hader's head, he was like, oh, shit. Was I supposed to have props? This is going to be a disaster for me. And in Samberg's head, he was like, I'm such an idiot. What the hell am I doing with props? And they both work out perfectly fine.

Because you're right. Funny is funny. Yeah. And it's such a journey. And also, it changes, too. You know, I was just watching. I had my kids watch. This makes me sound like I'm forcing them.

I had my kids, for an unspecified reason, I had my kids watch, like, my first TV reason i had my kids watch like my first tv set laugh at daddy sit down you're learning no it was for something else yeah and my voice was different so like well i like i think your voice is very important i mean obviously the like pocket voice but even just your talking voice if you guys listen to like an early how long have you guys been doing this eight years eight years so like if you listen to when you guys first did it you sound different i've never listened once yeah there's gonna be a comfort that develops yeah that is just different and i think um well for me

it's like i'd probably been doing stand-up five years at that point. And I did – I was like, ah, yeah. Like I manufacture energy. Was that – when you finally hit that groove of that voice and the high pitch and the Hot Pocket stuff, that's – how intentional is that? How much did you realize the crowd responded to that? I'm going to work that in or that was just kind of – It's so – it's like – It's so brilliant.

It's so simple but it's so funny and brilliant. I just – I tried forever to figure it out and I struggled and dealt with a lot of frustration. Kind of when I let go and I'm like, all right, it's not going to – like I was the last one of my group of friends to get a late night show. I was the last one to – I never got the Montreal Comedy Festival. All these things. And when I kind of – and I had a lot of anger about it. And when I finally decided, all right, I guess I'm just going to be the weird uncle who lives in a dirty apartment in New York. That's when things started there you go

that's unbelievable I mean to to think that you were like the last and I'm sure you know you know it was like a hyper drive after that and yeah it's uh you know it's weird because I'm definitely somebody who I always feel like I try harder than anyone But like There's some things you can't control Well there's a lot of things you can't control Well I mean I did read an article That said from Forbes Which is always a good sign when you're in Forbes Saying you made 30 million dollars betting on yourself

So I think it worked dude I think you paid off Yeah no it's I mean those Forbes numbers Are never exact Well it's probably more like 50 or 60 right No but no it's i mean those forbes numbers are never exact but you know it's probably more like 50 or 60 right no but no it's like it's weird because it's it's weird because like the forbes thing is strange because in a way uh you know if you knew me you'd be like i can't believe he would ever because you can like intentionally say i know I made one. Right. Or I made nothing.

But the thing is also this is a business, and there's nothing flashy about me. There's nothing sexy about Jim Gaffigan. So it's like one of those things where I don't like being on the list, but I also – you need people to know. You want to show I've been successful i've got some success so it's a strange thing because you don't want to come across as bragging or all of it feeds itself you know so you have to like so someone's like all right there's like the entertainment industry is very much you have to show me exactly what you do is really risk averse. So like your show,

very successful. You can't go into a room. If you guys didn't have your track record and say, Hey, we're going to be really successful. They'd be like, sure you are. But now at this point,

you guys can go, these are our numbers. This is what we do. So you have to show them. It kind of reminds me what you're saying here. It kind of reminds me of one of the lines you had in one of the articles we read where you said the entertainment industry is an ice house. And you also talk about how things are different now. Do you – is there anything that scares you?

Is there anything you won't take a floor into? Are you on TikTok? I'm on TikTok, but I don't know how it works. Right. Well, you said you don't think anyone tries harder or you do try hard. Yeah. And so you're not like, I'm too old, I'm too successful for that, I'm on that too?

No, no, I believe it's all fleeting. Yeah. And I also, I mean, I could totally nerd out, but I think it's... Please do. You know, I think that culturally we change every decade and i think our sense of humor changes and you have to always be responding and and um you know like shows that were super you know like friends and seinfeld they transcend and they carry

on but like there were number one shows that people like not interested now yeah and so you have to constantly be you know improving and when i said like the ice houses is that you know you can have status but it's not a foregone conclusion so like when i started stand up or even when i was halfway through you through doing stand-up for 12 years, the notion was you do one special, one comedy special. Dennis Leary did a comedy special that changed his career, and that worked in that era. But if someone does, if Nate Bargasi's special was great, but he's got to do another one. Do you know what I mean?

Because it's changed. Never stops. Plus, I mean, you've got 1,000 kids to take care of. Yes, I do. And so, yeah, you made $30 million, but your bills are probably $29. Yes, exactly. I didn't realize you live in New York.

I live in New York. And you have five children. Five children. I mean, you have to make a billion dollars, Jim. Right? I mean, I have two, and I can't imagine two and a half times that. It's insane. How old are your kids?

Four and two. It gets worse. Yeah. I can imagine. It gets so expensive. Well, I'll tell you how it gets worse when you have two kids. When you have three more, you lunatic. Yeah, no.

I mean, you guys are crazy. It's insane. The bit you do about the drowning. And it's like insane you put them all in the on a plane and fly somewhere together i mean that's insane but that's also well i mean what's the goal here jim are you like farming are you are you are you outsourcing your work to them how many no i mean i love uh you know it kind of even goes back to where i was like i realized i was or i thought i was just going to be the weird uncle that lived in a filthy apartment is that it is the creative fulfillment do you know what i mean it's like don't you feel like there's always this balance between other people's expectations or your ego and what you really

want to do hell yeah you guys have a you guys have success you have a good life but then there's always people like what else yeah what else and you can't get distracted by that right you have to be focused on what is kind of rewarding to you and so for for me, it's like writing stand-up, being in movies. Like there's no money in movies. You know what I mean? I literally lose money when I do a movie. But it's creatively rewarding. And I really do enjoy playing these different characters.

But that's why I love stand-up. It's like you write every year or so you come up with a new hour of material it's it's incredibly rewarding i mean the audience likes it but it's like as a creative person you're creating something yeah and i mean uh one of the reviews from american dreamer was putting you up there with marriage story and adam driver and i mean so you know you're doing You're doing the movie thing pretty damn well, too. An incredible career in both fields.

It's amazing that you came through here. Go check out Troop Zero on Amazon on January 17th and obviously all of his specials. It made me cry. I cry a lot. You don't know that about me, probably. It's not that big of an honor. I went through a phase last year where I was like crying at commercials.

But I'm out of that phase now. I think you're going through menopause. Hey, and you know what, by the way? There's a lid for every pot. I think Jim Gaffigan is pretty sexy to a lot of people. So don't sell yourself short, okay? That's very nice. So wait, we just found out that fountain soda machines cost $250.

But then maybe it's like the ingredients. Well, that can't cost that much. Yeah, I'm looking at it. It seems like pretty real. But I guess the problem has got to be getting the syrup sent to you because I feel like Coke wouldn't like – because then you can, I don't know, you could bootleg your Coke. You know what I mean?

So how do I get access to that if you're not a McDonald's franchisee? That's the real problem. Yeah, I think we'll have to look at it a little more. But if we can get one here, we should just get one in the studio. Absolutely. Even if it doesn't have all the specials. You know what I mean? It doesn't have to be perfect.

Yeah. $75 for a box, which the boxes are for like- And it's like Coca-Cola syrup or something? Or is it just like soda syrup? I looked up Sprite. Yeah. Buy it right now. Go, go, go go go go jim

gaffigan was uh an absolute delight and i just want i want he's my hero like i want to be him now like i i was so blown away by how um like i would have guessed that he's such a family man seems so old school very openly is like i'm not sexy or whatever i would not have guessed that he's as like progressively thinking about his career as he is where he's like like the fact that he he was like i'm not doing much on tiktok but the fact that he's on tiktok like and he was like you know that that line about everyone how everyone's house in hollywood is a house made from ice that's melting so build your next one like if i'm him and i made 30 million dollars last year and i'm all i'm good you know and the fact that he's still on his grind it just it goes to show that to be that successful

you have to have another gear where you just always go go go go yeah i actually i i regret it i was kicking myself all night i said like like do you ever think i'm too old or too successful to do something i didn't mean to say too old i i like getting my own head about interviews a lot i didn't even i like i meant to be like. I didn't notice that. To establish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? But I was like, fuck, I called them all. No, I would.

I usually would notice if you. I would have been like, oh, I don't know what to do. I didn't even notice that one. I just feel like he. In that, you know, to end this with kind of how we started it, in that GQ article on Larry David, it was like talking about how he's, you know, he loves when you come at him and he busts his balls. But he's also just a little sensitive you come at him and he busts his balls but he's also

just a little sensitive like everyone is yeah and it was like the things that would like end a scene because it's all improv the things that would like

end a scene would be like someone called Larry Old like you old fucking asshole and it would be like he said like that would cut to him really

he's okay with it now but there was a time where he just looked older than he was that was his kryptonite yeah and that would like piss him off

how old is he it would only be like guest stars he's like 75 yeah that makes sense but he's looked that way for a while so i could see right yeah he looked as he looked exactly like he did in 2001 yeah yeah yeah so i could see that definitely cutting i i would just i think my biggest takeaway from jim gaffigan was when we were discussing that he made 30 million dollars last year and you could tell he was a little uncomfortable about that number being out there because it was up to him to put it out there and i think both of us struggle with definitely like even taking a compliment but like putting our own out there being like we fucking got this many downloads or sold this much or did as many

tickets and like as uncomfortable as that is and i feel like i'm worried about people thinking i'm arrogant or whatever like it's important to do it sometimes because like if you're you know i what's the old like the old corny adage like you know if you don't believe in yourself or you don't like your own material like why would someone else you know that's i think i said this before when i was i got one of the first times i can remember like getting in trouble i was with my mom voting and i was talking about how if i ever ran for political office I was like I wouldn't vote for myself which is probably a pretty strong foreshadowing the writing was on the wall a long time ago

and she was like what the hell is wrong with you you're the only person you know who will vote for you I'm just by and by not qualified if you can't even convince yourself to vote how are you going to convince someone else but yeah it's true no one else is thinking about how much money you're making and if you gotta like you know money is a little bit different you don't want to be an hour you don't

want to be an asshole talking about what you're making but you have to let people know when you're fucking killing it in order to like get the you know get to that next step or whatever it's such a fine line i don't know how i would do it but like it's just a reminder that if i ever have a chance to put i made 30 million dollars out there that i should do it let's talk to doug smith to wrap up today's monster episode like i said all episode long one of the best stories you've ever heard and kind of just a like a just such a funny dynamic because the story is pretty dark and pretty scary yet he's laughing and smiling and he's getting the best thing that's ever happened to him yeah he's in right away that's the best thing all time tale from d him. Yeah, he said it right away. He was like, that's the best thing that's ever happened to me. All-time tale from Doug Smith.

Let's wrap it up today. See you guys next week on KFC Radio. All right. KFC Radio, we got Doug Smith in the building, a funny New York City comedian. He's got a comedy album out now. We appreciate you coming through, man. What's going on? Thank you, man.

Thanks for having me. Appreciate it. We were just kind of talking about some of the New York City lifestyle, homeless people around, big city. I mean, I feel like if you're a New Yorker, there is just like material all around you at all times. Yeah, yeah. I feel like I'm getting less now because I got a car a couple months ago

and I drive everywhere, so I'm kind of isolated in my fucking box. I took the train today. It was almost like a novelty. I was like, like this is nice take a little snooze I live in the island Park Slope and you drive everywhere huh yeah yeah I mean I guess it was a little bit Walker for 13 years you make bank doing that no done walking I even though that was a profession 13 years ago yeah you must have been like oh gee one of was one of the OGs. You invented it.

Another diamond. Were you one of those guys walking like 20 at a time making tons of cash? No, I was a terrible dog walker. The fact that I made it 13 years without getting fired or sued is amazing. So that's like, I mean, I don't have a dog, but I mean, like you had like a key to everyone's house. You just go in, you pick up their dog. You look like a prison warden. You just got a big key chain.

It is kind of a weird thing. It's almost similar to Uber where it's like, yeah, I'll just get in the car with this stranger and it'll go fine. Like, sure, I'll pay this person

to be able to get into my house. Right. Surprising that more shit doesn't happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like, what about it? You just kidnap dogs.

Just like, you know, I'm going to sell this dog in the black market. You're going to come home with your dogs and be gone. How fucking much could you make doing that? You could make more robbing the house. I imagine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. dogs. Just like, you know, I'm going to sell this dog in the black market. You're going to come home with your dogs and be gone. How fucking much could you make doing that? You could make more robbing the house, I imagine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's more just, you know, just little things you get away with, like taking naps or taking food out of the fridge or jerking off with a pair of panties on your head, you know. Whatever gets you through the day. How much did you charge? I mean, my prices escalate. I think I started out at like $15 for a half hour walk. And then by the time I was done, it was like $22 for a half hour walk.

Yeah, I paid $20. And I'd be like, this is fucking too much. What am I going to do here? Right. But the amount of clients that I had that would leave a key for me with a doorman without having ever met me or like – Yeah. Yeah, it was insane. No vetting, no screening.

Yeah. Yeah. I always think about that. Like even with like we have like – like not a maid but, you know, like a cleaner comes to the house like once a month or whatever it is. And every time I leave, I'm like, are you going to do it this time? I feel like this is the one. I get the same guy every time and I'm like, I don't know. I just – I feel like you're going to rob me. Well, if you're smart. I'm just leaving you you going to do it this time? I feel like this is the one. I get the same guy every time. And I'm like, I don't know.

I just feel like you're going to rob me. Well, if you're smart. I'm just leaving you alone in my house. You'd be a fool not to rob me. If you're smart, you do it subtle. It's like when you bring your clothes to the laundromat, and they just steal one shirt at a time. It's like, well, they didn't really rob me. It's like, they're just slowly robbing you.

If you're smart about it, you could get away with it for 13 years like a dog. You know what's crazy we have we have a cleaning lady too and my wife's uh wedding ring she put it in a in a in the in the jewelry box in her drawer and for like two months it was gone and she thought she was like the she thought the cleaning lady stole it but she wasn't sure she was like maybe i it somewhere. So she didn't want to confront her on it. We're talking like the engagement ring, like the rock? No, just like the wedding band. Okay.

And then two months later, it was back in the fucking box. She wanted to borrow it for a bit? I don't know. Isn't that crazy, though? I think that's a great way to do it. Did she ever turn up the heat and maybe insinuate something to the maid and then she put it back? It was gone and then it came back. Yeah.

And you don't think it was? It was me the whole time. Well, do you think that's possible? I guess it would be different if it was like The Rock. Because I always think it's very funny that we buy engagement rings for girls. I mean, when I bought – I'm divorced now, but like my wife left her phone somewhere every single time. She was always losing something. She was always like – but we're willing to take tens of thousands of dollars, put it on your ring and on your finger, and you guys take care of it.

It's like I'm surprised it doesn't – you don't lose it or get stolen more often. The band is a different story. Right. But I feel like maybe if she lost it and then she found it and she just put it back and was like, honey, it's back. It wasn't gone. Don't worry. Yeah, it's surprising you don't hear about more women

getting robbed if they're engaged. I mean, late night on the subway, like you're drunk and it's just like, bam, bling, like a couple carrots

on your finger. There's just a dude walking around with a pair of hedge trimmers. A little cigar cutter. Chop those fingers off. Yeah, man. I've always thought that.

It's crazy. Here, just take like, what did they say? A third of your salary or whatever it is. Three month salary and good luck. Don't fucking.

And then when I got it, when I got the insurance and I realized you can get it insured for like a decent chunk more, I was like, well, now I'll go lose that shit. Now you have free. Yeah, now I'm going to propose

like on a boat or like over absolutely we'll go deep sea diving i propose oh shit look it's gone hey you tell the captain head into the storm um so i uh i know you've probably told it a zillion times but somebody did send me the uh the the youtube link to the the segment the bit you did about the scar on your face. Got it. And I mean, I'm sure, you know, it's a hell of a fucking story that, I mean, you have the greatest story ever, really.

I mean, it's, you know, obviously it's scary and whatnot, but. No, it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Not even lying. I'm happy you can say it that way because I'm like. Give me a much needed career boost. Yeah, I mean, it's the best cocktail story, the happy hour story, busting your balls with your friends story, and it's got to be incredible material for you.

So, I mean, if you could recap it or retell it in the best way, I feel like it is one for the fucking record books. Yeah, basically it was like 2011. So so what is that nine years ago now so i was in i was leaving um cabin which was a bar on i don't know if you guys remember it's a bar on second avenue they used to do a comedy show there a weekly comedy show it was like one of the you know it was like a big weekly show what so comics used to hang out there all the time it was on second and like fourth street okay so i. So I was leaving Cabin. It was like a Thursday night at like 10 o'clock.

And I was headed back to Brooklyn, go down to the station. And there was a woman screaming. And I turned and there was a guy that had her like pinned against the wall. And he was punching her in the face, like trying to rip her clothes off. And nobody was doing anything. I was going to say, there was other people around? Yeah. It's not a busy station.

No, it's not that late. It's not a busy station. It was 3 a.m., and it was an empty platform, because that's crazy. 10 p.m. rape attempts, and nobody's doing anything. Nobody's doing anything. Everybody's just blown past. I don't know if they thought they were a couple or what, but I was like, they're into some kinky shit.

Then it's okay. What are you going to do? They'll work it out. They've been dating six months. She deserved it. So I yelled some shit out to him several times, and he saw I wasn't going anywhere, so he let her go. She went running out of the station.

Are you in close proximity at this point? We're about, like, from here to, I mean, you know. Yeah, no, but you're close. Probably, like, 20, 25 feet away from me. Because I would have been, like, a basketball court way, being like, stop! Yeah. Don't do that.

What I actually said, and this is in the bit, too. I know it sounds like a joke. What I actually said is, hey, buddy, that's a lady. That's what I said to the guy, thinking that was be the yeah i didn't recognize like he's gonna be like oh shit you're right i didn't think about it who says chivalry's dead it was my father repping for the ladies yeah that's somebody's daughter pal so he finally let her go and then he came at me i had never been in a fight in my life so i was i was amped you know i was like this is it what better time than now to lay this guy out

so i stepped in and swung on him and i was still like eight feet away when i swung i'm just like swinging a miss and he's is he a big guy no but pretty much like the exact same size as me. Okay, fair fight. Yeah, like 5'10 1⁄2", 150. Right. So I swung on him. He stepped in. I thought punched me. I came back, kicked him in the stomach. He went running out of the station.

And then I turned to get on the train, and a woman stopped me, and she said, you have a massive laceration on your face. A lot of very silly terminology used on this night. Something was in the air. So then I looked down and there was just blood just pouring down my jacket. I didn't feel anything because your adrenaline's pumping. So it turns out this guy had a

razor blade in his hand that I couldn't see. I just thought he punched me. So I had blood pouring down my jacket. She grabbed a wad of napkins, stuck it on my face. She was like, come on, let's go up to the street. She's a hero, too. Shit.

Yeah. I see someone bleed on the subway. I'm getting off that car. Good luck with that one. So yeah, there was like 20 cops on the scene within minutes. Ambulance took about. But you're like at the next stop at this point? No, no.

I never got on the train. This was just in the station. What about the girl? Did she just run away? She ran away, but there was another girl that he punched like a couple minutes before I got down there. So she was out on the street crying, and I was like, this guy was on a real tear today. So we both testify. We both gave a description of the cops.

And they whisked me off in an ambulance to the hospital. And we had to go. They caught him like three days later outside the same station. His only priors were public intoxication. Had no violent history at all. So then me and this other girl went to the police station, picked him out of a lineup. I had to testify against him

That was the scariest part Sitting on the witness stand Being like that's the guy This cold dead stare You don't know who he knows Shit I can't believe the girl has never come forward I saw this bit

Kevin intentionally didn't watch it I saw this years ago I thought didn't watch it. I wanted to hear it from you. I saw this years ago and thought it was so funny. I can't believe... I mean, it's a funny fucking story. It's told in a funny manner. It's funny that it's funny. That's the first thing as I was standing there just bleeding out.

I thought, well, I better get at least another 10 minutes out of this. We were thinking that yesterday. We were like, did you have the... Because we always say say you know when any anything bad happens to us we're like well but it's gonna make a great story yeah this is pretty extreme though but even in the moment you were like yes yeah just making mental notes of everything yeah hang on like they're trying to stitch you up like i get my iphone notes out right down those punch lines sorry doc the um but so the girls never come forward so i feel like that's, I mean, I saw it years ago

or a long time ago and it was like, I feel like it's really, really popular. I'm surprised that the girl wasn't like, oh yeah, I was there that night

getting punched in the face by a guy. Are you mad? I'd be furious. Did you get a thank you? To tell you the truth, to tell you the truth, this is,

you know, pre-Me Too movement that this all happened. So when I used to tell, you know, I started telling the story immediately after it happened. Right. I mean, it was even more, the scar on my face was even more visible.

Yeah. So I kind of had to talk about it for a while. And the way I used to end the joke was, or the story, I used to say, you know, the girl I jumped in to help, she never came forward, never filed a police report or anything. So if ever I see her in the street, I'm going to punch her in the face. But, you know, I can't really do that these days.

Not anymore. It would actually get a huge, even from girls, it would last. It's almost like you've earned the right to say that. You could, in a comedy club, could get away with that. I wouldn't say it on a podcast. Bring it back.

How many stitches was it? 23. Yeah. It was a bouncer at a bar when I went to college in Fordham. Suits was his name. And he had a scar from ear to mouth. Yeah. Gang related.

Same thing. Razorblade. Sliced like his whole face open. He had like a hundred stitches. Yeah. But that and the razor blade, man. And so you were like so adrenaline pumping you didn't even even realize you thought you got punched yeah I had no idea we talk all the time about you know when we lay in bed at night we can't go to sleep we think

about two things one if I was ever to make it to like late night the tonight show what would be my you know a little bit and two if shit ever goes down and it's time to be like last action hero like what what would you do yeah yeah and my real honest answer is I would probably be like I said, like don't do that. I hate to say that I'd probably be more of the guys looking being like, what the fuck do we do? Yeah, yeah. And the guy who sprung into action. But, I mean, you're a fucking hero, dude.

I feel like that's more. I wouldn't do it. That one in particular. Did you think of yourself, if you were ever thinking about it, would you be like I'd be the guy to stop something? No. Were you like Mark Wahlberg, like 9 like, I'd be the guy to stop something? No. Were you like Mark Wahlberg, like 9-11 would have gone down differently kind of deal? I, no, I never, you know, I'm a very non-confrontational person.

Like I said, I'd never been in a fight before then. But I didn't even think twice about it at the time. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I know I'm not a tough guy, but that's so extreme. It's like, this girl's gonna like fucking die or something. Like we have, you know,

someone's gotta step up. But I also do say too, like I'm never gonna, until I'm in those shoes, I don't know how I'm gonna react. So I'm not gonna say that I'm fucking Schwarzenegger, you know what I mean?

Chances are. Well, the good thing is now that I did that once, now I can just totally puss out anytime I see anything else going on. I see women getting punched in the face all the time now. Sorry, I was worried you did my time. I got my fucking purple heart.

I'm out. I got mugged once at school, and it was me, this other dude, and a girl. And this guy runs up behind us, and he grabs her. And he's like a young kid, and he had like a little gun. And he's like, give me all your money. And this girl I'm with, she's from Boston, thick accent, total booze bag, and kind of a bitch. And she was on the verge of dropping a racial slur. She was like, you.

And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And so I kind of like yelled at her. And then he like turned his attention to me. And I was like, oh, fuck. I should have just let her say it. Like next thing I know, I got a gun in my neck. I'm like, well, I don't even really know this girl that well. Fuck.

What am I doing here? Last time I ever stick my neck out, literally. But yeah, man, that's that's I mean, it's – I would be – not that I would become a tough guy or anything. But I think I would carry myself differently thinking like when shit went down, I stepped up. Yeah, yeah. It's weird to see other guys on the train or walking around with a similar scar. You kind of give each other a little – The Jeep wave.

Yeah. What's up, wave yeah you said that i was uh i was reading an article about you that was um where you said you find yourself in a similar situation again where it was like you had more heightened sense did that you said there was i think it was like an eye on the train it was like punching the windows and stuff oh yeah yeah so like go ahead i'm sorry i was gonna ask if that if i contributed to a car or was that i'm done with the fucking train like another situation where you're making an impromptu shank i'm gonna get a car i'm gonna get in my prius not just any of this shit i suppose

that must have added to things but yeah people you people would ask me all the time like do you have like ptsd i was down in the same subway station like literally two weeks later yeah you know i i i'm at the scene of the crime all the time i used to i used to like walk past and see if i could see any of the blood blood stains yeah it cleaned up pretty so it doesn't affect no no but i think you're probably a crazy person the term sociopath overused these days but i think you're great but it did it did make me yeah it did make me more like hyper vigilant of my surroundings so then i did uh actually did like three episodes of a web series kind of based on that hyper vigilance where it's like you know this happened to me ever since then i've found myself fashioning weapons out of

inanimate objects so i did this web series called secret weapon where i'm basically like an urban urban survival expert teaching people how to like bop their way through the city with like improvised weapons it's a very useful tool it really is on a more like you know not weaponry level but teaching people just how to like walk and operate and move and like not get move and not get in the way and not get in trouble. Right. You can spot them a mile away when they're out of their element in this city. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me ask you a question now that you're driving. Do you know and check the price of gas? No. I have no idea the price of gas, tolls of that shit no easy pass doesn't that's not real like that's not i i can drive over the bridge for free that's that that money does not count i said the other day uh i was like i don't i don't know what the price of gas is because i have to pay it so like whatever it is and i just got like shamed to the fucking moon that i was like oh you're poor shaming or whatever i was like fuck off so i'm happy to hear someone else in this city who drives is just like, yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, if you have a car, you just have to surrender to the fact that you're going to get – Could be two, three, four, five, I don't know. Totally screwed left and right across the board. Yeah, small price to pay. So you got this comedy album out, which – I was under the impression that was kind of like a thing of the past, but I guess it's still. I was too,

man. I, I, you know, I'd watched all these friends of mine release albums over the years and thought like, who the fuck is buying out? Like what,

what, what a waste of time. I remember the, you know, the Adam Sandler type of album. Right. Right. But that was really kind of where I thought it,

you know, peaked and then stopped. But sure. Happy to hear it's still kicking I'm still going yeah and then I started finding out it's not it's not even necessarily that people buy albums anymore they don't so like when you're about to release it you know the record label encouraged you to be like hey uh available for pre-order today and it's like who's pre I haven't even bought anything on iTunes since 2009, you know, though I don't even know what a pre-order is.

But you gotta do all this horse shit, you know, promotional stuff. But it's not even necessarily that people are buying albums, it's just that they listen to, the Sirius XM has so many comedy channels and they play it on there. And then Pandora,

which is another thing that I thought was a thing of the past, Pandora is the biggest hub for stand-up comedy listeners. No shit. Yeah. Isn't that insane? I would have never guessed that. Good to know. So between Pandora, Spotify, and XM, I was talking to all these comic friends of mine

that were making decent money, like paying their rent each month off of these album streams and plays off of Sirius streams and and you know plays off of serious so i thought well shit i've been doing this for 10 years so might as well unload all this shit and so is it uh myself just like recording from you on stage or is it like something you sit down and record separately like for this album uh so i did like an actual album recording at union hall in brooklyn i did two shows so I just did an hour, one night, or two nights. How many songs are on it? 14.

14? Acoustic folk rock songs. You got to do the Drake. Yeah, you get three albums out of that. With Drake, Drake does like 40 songs because it pumps the streaming numbers, and then that rockets. I've learned a little bit about how to do it. You got a game-ass system.

I'll tell you off air. A little about how to game the recording system. I bet the right record labels don't know. Merch pumping also, absolutely. Buy this t-shirt, you get the album free. Guess what? Up the charts. Travis Scott did that one.

Do you see what French Montana's doing? No. He's just straight-up hacking. French Montana put out that song. Remember, we interviewed him to promote it. It was him, Cardi B, and another like monster. Yeah. And I was like,

this is going to be a smash. And it wasn't. And all of a sudden it's like top of the charts. And if you Google, if you search on Twitter now, there's a million people being like, I lost like all, like all my previously listened.

And it's just this French Montana song, like a ton of people complaining that it's just like automatically on their phone. And they think the record label is just straight up like gaming it. Let's do that too. I was thinking like, come on. Because you know what happened too? It coincided.

He went viral on TikTok with one of his songs. And so they did that in conjunction with it. So they're like, no, no, no. It just popped on TikTok. That's why. Like iTunes, it's bottom of the barrel. Every other streaming service, bottom of the barrel. Spotify, top five.

That's what's up. So start just fucking buying this shit, man. Nobody actually has to listen. I was talking to one comic who says when he leaves the house every morning, he just puts a different track on repeat. So it just plays all day, every day. So he's basically just jacking up his own numbers. I'm sure it's a drop in the bucket, but still.

It's a placebo effect. You want to be like... I used to do that shit all the time when Barstool was starting out. Open, open, open, open, click. I'd fucking refresh our site in like 2011. I'd just be like, hit and refresh. Every day. There's a hundred more. A hundred more clicks. Tell our listeners to do that.

Yeah. Well, that's the... PMT, another podcast here, famously did the unsubscribe to our podcast and resubscribe. And every time it just keeps on climbing because they have a whole new set of subscribers. There's the inches you need are everywhere around you, man. You can start. There's got to be criminals. It really is what it comes down to.

Just be a goddamn criminal. So I'm still fascinated by this car thing. So you're driving. Do you think that's what we're going to talk about when you came in today? The car. This car is fucking gross. I'm always happy to talk about it. How much do you pay for parking?

I just park on the street. I mean, I've got – trust me, the first three months of having a car, it was really trial by fire in terms of learning what ticket costs, what – I was going to say, you might be parking for free, but how much are you paying for tickets? Parking in front of a hydrant. Yeah. I mean I spent a good 400 or 500 bucks on parking tickets the first couple of months. I've told this story countless times. But when – we used to live in Boston where the company started.

And our boss was so scary to me at that time and still to this day. But to me at that time, we're like – I had me at that time we're like i would have to i had to take a morning off to go to the dmv to get my resident parking sticker yeah and like i knew that would have been that would have infuriated and i didn't work in the morning and like it would have been a day off for months and months and months and like i'd probably still be getting subtle shit about it but that time i took a morning off right so for six years years i just got a parking ticket every night It was like tens of thousands of dollars

Every single night, just a parking ticket It was just like, you're parking in a resident spot I actually live right here, I'm just too scared of my boss To go to the DMV You're like waving at the traffic cop through your window I am a resident I have a fucking sticker I wouldn't pay them

So then they'd all pile up. I'd get booted. I'd get towed. I'd end up having to go get it on a Saturday. It was – but for years and years it happened. Jesus Christ. It was a pain in the ass. But I still regret nothing.

I still think it was worth it. No one else is going to understand that, but if you were here, absolutely. Well worth it. I just don't pay the tickets. I get them, I look at them, and I'm so mad at myself and mad at the situation, and I just put them there, and I just don't pay them. And so I am now, my vehicle is scofflawed.

What does that mean? I don't know. But I tried to pay a ticket last night, finally, and it said, your vehicle has been declared scofflawed, which I Googled the meaning of, and it's a delinquent like payment like you don't you don't pay your tickets so now it says i have to go in person so i've really fucked myself this time so you have to go in person and potentially pay

pay this ticket and i'm sure whatever the fine there's gotta be like a scofflaw fine yeah and i'm sure i'm gonna get like chastised and a slap on the wrist and that's smart for them though the judge just literally scoffs at you thought he could get away with it this is me scoffing it's crazy that like this person never pays their ticket let's make it more difficult i know i mean i was like i'm trying i'm finally trying and i'll pay all the you know the back fees but now i fucking can't so now guess what's really not gonna to happen? Is that really not going to fucking pay that ticket? I'm also currently embroiled in a parking war with my neighbor who thinks I can't park in front of his house.

We have alternate side. So we move back and forth. And if it's in front of his house, he gets mad. Yeah. But like tomorrow, you're going to be in front of my house, dick. You know what I mean? Right. So we had like a screaming match in the middle of the street, like two absolute assholes.

I'm going to end up with a scar too I'm gonna get fucking razor bladed also hey tell them to touch mine up first you should just go full joker man just get a matching side and call it so yeah but would you really if you could do

time machine and just not go down the subway that night would you or would you be like, no? Oh, no, I'd do it again. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. Were you married at the time? No, I was engaged. I was engaged.

You were engaged. Yeah. So it was already too late to get the chick stick scars. Yeah, I know. I talk about that a lot. I never got to cash in on any of that sweet scar. That should honestly be like your hall pass, you know what I mean? It gets you your 20th anniversary or something like babe let me have

like one week where I get to go on the town tell all the girls this story and take my ring off watch what happens because not only is it a cool scar it's like you were a fucking feminist hero you're an icon dude so congratulations on the album great story all time stuff we appreciate you coming through thanks

album on iTunes'm you know album on itunes and you know everywhere you can get it tune spotify pandora doug smith we appreciate it thank you look at what you see in her face. The mirror of your truth. Make believe I'm everywhere. Give it in the light. Written on the pages is the answer to a never ending story. I reach the stars

Lie a fantasy Dream a dream And what you see will be Runs again their secrets real Fold behind the clouds The answer to a never-ending story. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Story. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Soaring high