KFC Radio - Cumming For Commentators

Episode Date: January 7, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review! -Feits was insulted by the sun today -KFC has some thoughts on therapy -Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are getting a divorce -AITA Thursday -Voicemails: --If you had one cartoon sound effect in your real life what would you choose? --What defines a sport? --What's the most random tv program you've started masturbating during? Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @FeitsBarstool Subscribe to the KFC Radio Youtube Channel for the full podcast: www.youtube.com/c/kfcradio Subscribe to the KFC Radio Clips Youtube Channel for the best clips: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCspldj_2KhBix7eVxe2H8xgYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Al Michaels, masturbated to your voice before. Gary, Keith, and Ron, I have come to those guys probably more as often as porn. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. You're standing up and you're making me uncomfortable. What's about to happen? I'm my butt sweating.

Ooh, these chairs actually do get a little bit sweaty. That usually happens. But usually by the end. We haven't even started. We've been sitting here for a while. Yeah, but this is early. Like, I'm dry as a fucking something that's dry. Well, I just got out of the shower not too long ago, so it's probably just.

And we know that you don't. I just went. We know you don't dry anything off, so fucking weirdo. Do the whole podcast standing? Yeah, why not? I mean, I usually get up and get down. I rarely start standing. Starting up is...

I am starting standing. I think this is the first time Kevin's stood. Ever? No, that's not true. Very rarely, but I have gotten up. Fuck it. We'll do it live. We were talking last night about towels, the towel situations. I think that they're – I think towels, big towel needs an overhaul.

Because it decidedly does. Yeah, and I think it's a little bit of a gender thing, but I think sometimes girls will like the nice towels and guys want like the towel. I want sandpaper. Yeah, yeah. I want like a rag. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I remember my mom and dad had this argument and then we were having it last night with girls and I feel like, you know, there's a aesthetic in general. Towels are a thing. Towels and sheets, you know, when dating and stuff, girls will be like, if he, if he only

has one towel, like he's trash or, you know, if he doesn't, if he doesn't change his sheets or whatever. So there's a thing about towels. Yeah. Welcome. But I think, there's a thing about towels. Yeah. Welcome. But I think I hate bath towels. I like beach towels. You can catch me right now in my bathroom.

I have like a big yellow like designed, you know, you're like your shower towel. Why do you like a beach towel? Because it absorbs the fucking at least the ones I have because I also know there are versions of beach towels that are, like, soft. Basically, what I want is a— Any beach towel you bought in Myrtle Beach is just going to shed on you. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, it sheds. But also a problem I have with the beach towel is the size.

I can't really wrap that around me. Beach towels are bigger. That's what I mean. It's too big. Oh, oh, oh. It's like— Oh, I prefer the big— Jesus Christ, that was insulting.

Well, I prefer the big. Jesus Christ, that was insulting. Well, I thought you were going to say you don't like small towels. I like the bigger ones. Like, I have a big fucking towel right now. Nah, when I walk out of the shower, I like to look like Angelina Jolie at the Oscars. What the fuck? I'm just popping the leg out of a slit. You are absolutely ridiculous. I like to look like Pierce Brosnan in the Thomas Crown of Terror.

I want to be in a sarang on the beach. I can see if I should be doing the thing the girls do with the towels, too. You wrap it up in your hair. You probably put it around your tits, too. Yeah, I bet you do. There's a big difference between men who go above the belly button. That's a gas move. A gas move, like you go between the belly button. That's a gas move. A gas move, like you go between the belly button and the sternum.

The old man. Or, yeah, and I'm hung down. They'll have their shit up here. Not my dickhead. You see the base of my dick. Oh, when you're hanging low. The way I wear my towel, you would think I'm a Calvin Klein model. Yeah, I was going to say, I think you think you're sexy.

Oh, it's a grotesque image. I think you walk out of the shower being like, I'm sexy. Like, looking sexy for yourself, you know? No, no. You know when girls are like, I don't do it for you. Like, I do it for myself. And it's like, I just want to look hot. I want to look sexy.

You get another fucking shower. Because we know you ain't drying your body with a towel. We know that you're just using it as a wardrobe. I'm ripping, like, a genuine music video. You got it? My pony. What was I going to say? Yeah, no, I don't feel sexy. I think I feel sexy until I got it. The – My pony. What was I going to say? Yeah, no, I don't feel – I think I feel sexy until I see myself.

And that's why I've – I feel pretty. I've reached this stage of quarantine depression where I just don't use mirrors. Oh, up here, I am sexy. I am a catch. And then in – Then you run by some reflective glass and get a cold cup of water thrown on you. And I'm hoping it's somewhere in the middle.

Like, up here is wild, you know, like, maybe like delusions of grandeur of what I look like. And then when I see myself, I'm hoping it's body dysmorphia. And I hope I fall somewhere in the middle where it's not as good as I think up here, but it's also not as bad as I see. Imagine you had, like had a snow white mirror and you could be like, mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? And it would be like, my mirror would spit at me. Yeah. It would just crack.

It would just break. My mirror would be like an asshole who spits on homeless people. You want my charity? I wish I had a mirror like that, and I wish it had Dave Chappelle in there. Like, not you, motherfucker. Like, that's it.

That's like almost like a magic eight ball where it has like a certain number of responses that you get. And you ask the mirror how you look every day. And it's just like a bag of shit. Like a fucking trash. You know what? The world could use that in general. Like knock some people down a few pegs. Pump some people up who are overly hard on themselves.

We need magic mirrors. Yeah. I guess we kind of have that going now with mirror. few pegs pump some people up who are overly hard on themselves we need magic mirrors yeah i guess i kind of we kind of have that going now with mirror um the at home gym from lemon yeah i'm sure they're just like not not good looking not today yeah today is not i imagine if they want to make money if they don't they can have that idea for a fee um just just you know us the the hardball negotiating businessman over here at kfc radio i uh i i think i mean body dysmorphia is is the realest thing in the world right everybody's everybody's got it to some extent i i don't think i do i think i think i just you think you're right

i think i'm just but so but you know what maybe it's not like you you know what? Maybe it's not quite your body. But I think when you realize you have to treat yourself how you treat others. Where it's like when I look at you, I'm not like grilling you up and down. Like looking at your beard, your hair, your face, your clothes. Like the same way. That's what you do to yourself. You know what I mean? Where it's like, oh, my God.

I didn't shave. I haven't gotten a haircut. Or like, oh, this shirt's like a little tight on me. It's like you're not looking at that and thinking that about me. No. No one is. No. Sometimes.

I guess like there are some people who – If it's aggressively tight. But that's what I mean. If you look truly bad, whatever. But when you're nitpicking, it's kind of narcissistic to even – it is narcissistic to think it's it is narcissistic and uh to to think that you're ugly because it's narcissistic to worry that other people think that you're ugly because they're not thinking about you at all they're not looking at you they're not thinking you are not important enough for them to even waste a moment of their time thinking about you and your appearance you're right you're right but also you're wrong because like you look like i i judge people on their looks i i'm not afraid

to say it i'll stand here and say i judge how like often though like every time you see them maybe like a first impression or again if it's super ridiculous but like every day you see these people at work or home or whatever you're not thinking it but i guess that the point is most people is like your first impression so when you walk in on the street or you meet you go someplace it's like this is the first time but you know what i mean it's just like i'm not it's not like close your eyes right now like what is what is nick wearing what does he look like today you don't fucking know right you got a tan hat on a maroon shirt nope not even close black and black black and black literally not tan hat on and a maroon shirt? Nope, not even close. Black and black. Black and black. Literally not even close.

He's got maroon underneath, so somewhat right. I thought he saw some maroon. Star Wars. Not really. I mean, barely. That's my point. It's like, no one's really looking, so shut the fuck up and don't worry. Yeah, you're right.

But I'll tell you why I've had an issue lately. Lately? Lately meaning like the last 23 years maybe? I start off every morning with the sun insulting me. The sun insults you? The sun. Because my bathroom in my – this started pretty recently. Let's call it three weeks ago.

And in my bathroom, it is sun facing. So there's a mirror here. And then I have like a shower over here. No one can hear that because we're on a podcast. Or no one can see that. But the sun comes right through the window. And about three weeks ago, I was showering. And therefore, it cast a shadow.

And the other day, I was showering. And I looked down. And it's a white wall. And you can see a shadow. And the other day I was showering and I looked down and it's a white wall and you can see my shadow and I went my dick is looking good right now. And then I said but what is that shadow? What could that possibly be?

What was it? Your gut or something? It was my gut. It was a significant gut. So you kind of had gut. Yeah. It was a significant gut. So you kind of had like a belly. Let me just, I'll draw you a picture of what my fucking body looks like right now. It is awful. And then I went, well, what's wrong with my butt? And it's just my butt.

You don't have an ass. Exactly. Feidelberg's back goes to his ass, goes down to his ankles. Like from your neck to your ankles is the same fucking thing. Feidelberg is drawing this picture now. We'll hold it up to the camera. Oh. Oh!

You know what? I mean, that's spot on, but it is gruesome. Head over to the KFC Radio YouTube page. You can subscribe. I've got to make my head clear, because it is circumcised penis. We have all clips going up from K kfc radio a lot of youtube content and you're gonna want to see this looks good well the dick looks good in real life right it's hold it up hold it up steady for the camera but it is it looks almost like uh if if you didn't know.

You'll throw a little bit of hair, too. Throw a little breast on there. Oh. It is. This is a really good depiction of what I look like right now. It looks like a coastal shore. You know what's funny is if you hold it. Watch this.

It almost looks like a different body type if you hold it upside down entirely. That's you with an erection. That is. That's a Tour de France rider with an erection. That looks like, this looks like every character from King of the Hill. You know, everybody on King of the Hill was just like this blob, like little blah character. Yeah, that is you with no ass and a fucking gut, a titty, and a dick hanging low. Did you have a havesy going?

No. That's why I was like. Nothing better than when your soft dick looks good. Because ordinarily, I've said this many times before, my soft dick is so embarrassing. So embarrassing. I have the worst soft dick maybe in the world. It's just, I mean, like my balls consume my soft dick is so embarrassing so embarrassing i have the worst soft dick maybe in the world it's just i mean like my balls like consume my soft dick you know it just eats it up but when i'm hard it's pretty good i think i think i'm all right um uh but when you're when you're hanging hanging low with a soft dick but for whatever reason it's like halfway full

then it's like halfway full. Then it's like, yeah, man, this is a great cock. John wants the camera. He wants the pen back. You're adding a nipple? What are we doing here? I'm trying to add a nipple. Oh, you do. This fucking picture. That looks like a pregnant woman wearing a strap-on now.

It has just become one of those pictures where you're like, well, what is it? You know what that looks like? It's like, do you see a blogger naked or do you see an old woman? Yeah, that's what I was going to say. You know what we need to do? We should just post that and be like, what is this? Give me some scissors.

We're going to cut this out and frame this and shit. That's the new Sad Boy Season design. John. John. By the way, speaking of Sad Boy Season, Tech Guy Andrew told me the other day that he got his girlfriend a hat for Christmas. And she wore it to some hipster place in Queens to get a pizza. And the guy behind the counter was like like dude, what is that logo?

That's so sick. You've hit a home run with the hipster crowd. Well, until you find out where it's from. She's like is that a local spot? And she was like no, it's actually Barstool. And he went ah. That's the point though. Who fucking cares man? It's the same thing going on with the Barstool and he went ah that's the point though who fucking cares man it's the same thing

going on with the barstool fund where everything is say what you will about dave portnoy but yeah like you know barstool you know but it's it's like who no if you're doing something good it's doing something good if you made something that looks if you design something that's cool that's it maybe maybe it's that you have the wrong perception of barstool yeah you ever fucking think if you are constantly this happens too with our shows where the list is ever growing it used to be like uh like i love pmt but like fuck the rest of barstool right and now it's like fuck barstool except for pmt for my sports coverage chicks in the office for my celebrity gossip lights camera barstool for my uh for my uh tv and movies and and this for that and this for that you know it's like you just named like half our roster yeah so maybe you just like some of it and hate some of it like everything

else in the world you know it's like if you were imagine if you were just like man like fuck abc except like except for the bachelor like the bachelor but like fuck the whole rest of the channel it's like you just like the show good you like. Good Morning America, I like that. And Big Sky, I love Big Sky. You don't have to love things on the whole. Their NBA coverage, I'll admit, is great. Gotta love that.

You don't have to love everything about something just like your body. You're gonna like a couple pieces of it and fucking hate the rest of it. Boy, that is a tough body image right there. Would you rather have what you have with the sun hitting you or I have waist-high mirrors on every fucking wall?

Waist-high mirrors? So you get in the shower and you can only see yourself? Well, in the shower there's no mirrors. Okay, okay. Waist-high. It's like... So what do you see? You live in a handicapped guy's house? Yeah, that's's it's like so what do you see you live you

live in a handicapped guy's house yeah that's why those even exist no it's just in the bathroom like to my left and in front of me just mirrors everywhere so you just got to get real comfortable with yourself so what do you see when you look in the mirror like from your neck to your knees from your tits to your to your dick no like no no it's waist to ceiling okay but it's like it's you see your whole body yeah from multiple angles at all times that's like the stew finer bathroom where he's always taking a shit and you see like the 360 fucking oh yeah i don't need to see any of that yeah i feel like i would uh i wish i'd live like a vampire like no van no fucking mirrors in my place. I remember reading an article on Tyrese way back in the day in GQ. And he said that for like three years.

I think the article was about how he revamped his career with Fast and Furious. Yeah. And it was about how like, I forget the amount of time, but it was an extended period of time where he could not look at himself in the mirror. Could not. He always looked at himself he always he would have two towels to like get out of the shower and have himself covered and then he would like go and like i don't understand how he could have been that out of shape like i don't remember that's some body dysmorphia i think like he's he looks like he said my body he'd fucking kill himself

rather than just hide from mirrors and if i had his body, I'd walk around naked all the time. Look at me. Centurized upon this Adonis. And he was thanking Will Smith for getting Will Smith motivated. Like a pump of the speech. I think Will Smith's poems, he's actually pretty dope, where it was just like, you just got to work, yada, yada, yada. But Will Smith had the line.

He had a line. He said, look, I might not be the funniest guy. I might not be the best looking guy. I might not be the best. Will Smith. Yes. I mean, I hate I hate it. I hate that shit.

But he said, you are the funniest guy. You are one of the best looking guys. You are one of the coolest guys. Fuck you, Will. He said, if you get if you get on a treadmill, but if you get on a treadmill next to me at the gym, you're getting off first. I'm going to die. And I'm like, it's an over the top line, but pretty cool. Still. Yeah. I wish I had that. Yeah. I i'd be like you can you can i'll finish first if you got the treadmill next to me in the gym i'm getting off immediately like some embarrassed yeah

because i'm huffing and puffing like my feet are like slapping on the thing i'll throw my towel over the thing so you can't see how long i've been running or how fast i've been running and i'll definitely definitely i mean uh like even worse than the running is the fucking lifting where it's like alright well I have like two of those plates going up and down that's embarrassing yeah I'm sick of those people I'm sick of

anybody who's famous being like yeah man it's tough for me too fuck you yes and no I get it but it's also like you have to understand who you're talking to. I've been talking about this a lot recently. I'm fascinated

by it. They do a study where they're looking at the brain, and they're watching how your brain reacts to stress. It's like you have the 19-year-old girl who's stressing out about final exams. And her brain is reacting.

And you have me. I'm a single dad, two kids, ex-wife, social pariah, all these bigger problems. And our brains are reacting the same way. So yeah, you can't be like, dude, your college exams is what's stressing you out? Fuck you. Because her brain knows no difference. It is funny when you go back. Who has it worse than me and the guy who has it worse than that guy who's like you know fighting in war it's like your brain they're all reacting the same way so you

can't like they can't help it but it is then funny to yeah when you go back and you're like i can't believe that used to stress me yeah yeah when you go i i try i'm not perfect i try not to like pass judgment on what other people are stressing about. Yeah. Because objectively, I have nothing to stress about in my life. Right. But I do. Yeah.

But when I personally go back and think about the things I used to get stressed about, I'm like, what a fucking idiot you are. Or when I used to be like- I project that on the people who are currently doing it, but- When I used to say I don't have enough time, and now I don't have enough time, and I'm sure when I'm 40, I'll be like, I can't believe when I was 35, I didn't think I have enough time. But there was, you know, there was a period of time where I was like mid 20s and I'd be like, I can't go to the gym. I don't have enough time for that.

What was I doing? I had literally nothing but time. So, yeah, I mean, there's a lot of different, I guess the lesson here, young, old, rich, poor, famous, normal, whatever. You have a lot of reasons to doubt yourself and not have self-confidence. But that's where a company like Roman comes in to build up your self-confidence with a real – You know what I like about Roman? Sometimes you got to just do it. Sometimes you got to just do it, folks.

That's what they pay the medium bucks for, Roman. I will tell you that what I like about Roman and that this will segue out of it into our next segment because I want to talk about therapy because what I like about Roman is that it's like tangible, real shit that's going to help you. And I know that therapy can help you, but it also is like, you know,

not tangible and you gotta, it's all like mental and emotional. You gotta work at it. Whereas Roman is like, we will fix the fact that your hair is falling out. Your soft penis. We will get it hard. Your dick that pops off too quick in bed, it will not because we have medicated swipes and we have medication, we have pills, we have supplements, we have actual shit that you can take right now that's either prescribed by a doctor or not even necessary for,

it's not even necessary for a prescription, that will directly fix your issues. If you're losing your hair, we can stop it. We can help you grow it and keep it thick. If your dick can't get hard, we have erectile dysfunction. And most importantly, my favorite of all, the Roman swipes, which I still don't think people give it enough credit. Like, time person of the year should have been Roman for making your dick last longer in bed.

That is a problem that has haunted man forever. Not anymore. And you know what? It's probably the pinnacle of, you know, men, guys in this generation. And we don't know how to process things. We don't know how to, like, get in touch with our emotions and work through our issues. And this is why.

Because we were just always sitting in the back of our head going, my dick sucks. My dick sucks. If I do land the girl in my dreams and have sex with her the sex is going to be bad you know and it was just constantly in our brains and now we don't have to worry about that because roman has come in with these swipes it's going to help us last longer in bed right now go to get roman.com slash kfc and you'll get your first month this is another thing in my bedside pocket by the way just reach in my sourside pocket, by the way. Just reach in, grab some Sour Patch Kids, some cereal crumbs, some sunflower seeds, some tobacco, and some medicated swipes and a weed pen. That's what I need to fall asleep.

I need swipes, weed, Sour Patch Kids, which honestly, I do need Sour Patch Kids too. That's become just part of my routine. Part of your routine to go to sleep. Let me tell you, Roman, next thing you got to do is some sleep supplements or medication. So go to GetRoman.com slash KFC. Get those swipes for just five bucks. The sleep thing, it's so bleak and depressing for me when I think about it. I'm not asking my body to do much anymore.

I'm not asking. But that's the problem. I'm not asking to go out there and dunk on a nine-foot hoop like Tom Segura did. Shout out to Tom. I do want to make it clear we were making fun of his injury. Right prior to that injury, he also dunked on a nine-foot hoop. With two steps. Tip of the cap.

With ease. Over the rim. It wasn't like he just barely got it in. So tip of the cap to Skywalker, Tommy Segura. He does deserve a little more love for that. But I'm not asking my body to be able to do that. I'm not asking to go pro. I'm not asking to even be able to go to the gym and exercise i just want to lay down and sleep

body how come you can't give me that what time did you go to bed last night last night i probably went to bed at like 12 okay what time did i go to bed last night what like 4 4 30 oh my god maybe honestly maybe what do you do all that time i got up I got up from the living room at like 4.15. I went to bed and put on the curb. So I would guess probably 4.40. I did at least one episode of Curb. So 4.45 to 5. Wow.

I mean, I used to do that prior to kids. At the time, my wife would go to bed at like 9. And I would stay up for like an entire day after that. It's funny when you, like I always i would i would stay up for like an entire day after that it's funny when you like i always say i always compared it so like there was a period of time where me and you basically lived on in different times it was like i was on the west coast or you were on the west coast whichever whichever it was it was like you know there are there there's definitely recently been times where like i'm waking up we're both awake at the same time but you are you haven't gone to bed yet

you know we both see 5 a.m on the clock for opposite reasons uh but but yeah when you it's like oh i i did like another six or seven hours of living after you went to bed that's crazy it is crazy it is a problem yeah it is it is not good do you and you want to be asleep yeah you wish you were i'm like trying to go to sleep? I'm like closing my eyes. How long before you give up and you're just like, I'm going to go back to the couch and watch TV or something like that? Never.

You'll try to stay back. I mean, I slept the other night. Usually the nights that I have my kids, I just go to sleep with them because I'm fucking tired. So the other night I slept from 9 to 3. And that's like six hours. And the human body probably should get like nine or ten or whatever to really be regenerated but you know when you have a job and shit six is about it so then i was like i probably should just get up and start but like

my kids are gonna probably sleep till like almost eight so i have like five hours to go but i hate go to the gym yeah i mean no i was kidding like i should do something productive in that time period though but there is nothing worse sometimes it's just so clear i don't know how to deal with children i just told you to leave them alone and go to the gym yeah that's not how it works couldn't do that i was i was kidding not because of the kids i was kidding because you wouldn't go to the gym. They hadn't even factored in my decision. It's an impossibility for me to do that. Although I thought about it before.

A bowl of soggy cereal at the base of their bed. Go lift some weights. I have thought about it before. How long do you think you can leave your kids alone for? At what age? Longer than you think. Definitely. It's almost like a puppy.

She's five. Oh, I started getting left alone on the floor well there's there's what not to do not for extended periods of time but like i don't want to like run to the store and things like that yeah things like that where it's like i oh shit i forgot to pick up milk and like they need their bottles or like we ran out of diapers or uh there's definitely been times where i'm like i need some fucking benadryl for these kids uh and 99.9999% of the time, I could probably hop in the car, drive there, come back, and it's like 11 minutes, and they don't even flinch. They didn't even wake up. But, you know.

That.01. Yeah. And you know what the.01 really is? You're in some trouble with the law. Yeah, yeah. The.01 to me is not even like, God forbid,, the house catches on fire or there's actually a problem. The.01 for me is, like, if I get, like, locked out of the house when I did that or, like, I get pulled over or someone hits me, you know, and it's like, now I'm in a car accident and I should be home. You know, like, things like that where it's like they're going to be fine, but now I'm going to be in trouble.

That is the real problem. But I've had some pod fathers discussion here with guys who are, there's a guy who was a dad here who was like, yeah, I'll run to the store. And I was like, whoa, you are, that's bold, bro. Yeah, I hadn't even factored in again. Leaving the children.

No, I hadn't factored in like the car accident stuff like that yeah things that you might you didn't do anything wrong like but shit can happen where it's like now what you know um but there is nothing worse to me no worse feeling in the world than laying in bed trying wanting to go to sleep and your body just won't i give it i'll have my eyes closed learning the world of weed has like saved saved my life you know or it's just like I just don't have I don't have any weed on me right now I gotta hit up my king spider but when like that that is hit the pen and you just go back to fucking sleep but laying there just being like go the fuck to sleep buddy just fucking shut down again I'm not asking

you much just I'm asking you to do nothing it's like it's almost like the pandemic we're just asking you to sit at home and watch tv and we can't do it for some reason i just want to take a long nap and you won't give it to me i've i've uh i'll get my eyes closed 30 minutes and then once 30 minutes are up then i'm like well i'm gonna stay up again and i just open it up like start a new show and i just watch that show and i'm like all right i'll try for 30 minutes again and it's basically 30 on 30 off of eyes closed. Masturbation used to work, and now that doesn't put a dent in me. I used to come and be like, okay, now I'm loopy and sleepy,

and now it's like, whatever, dude. I don't know when it started. It was probably within the last year. But I do need to eat right before I fall asleep. That's like the worst thing you can do. I know it is. I know it's completely counterintuitive. And I need to

like either bag of chips in bed or some food and i'm out pretty quickly after that i'm on uh by the way i will i i still want to make my therapy point in a second but i'm on my uh rice cricks rice crispix charms is my new shit saw a picture that of that. It's so good. I have, I think I, you don't like marshmallows, right? Yeah. Yeah. I don't like,

I don't like, I don't mind marshmallows. I don't like the freeze dried. Yeah. I know it's crazy. I know people talk about picking up the grains out of the Lucky Charms

and stuff like that. It's so weird that if you gave me like a marshmallow, like a white puffy one. It's making my nipples when I was thinking about it. Yeah. If you gave me one of those

and they were, it was stale, I'd be like, this is disgusting. But it's the same thing as like, you know, if you those and they were, it was stale, I'd be like, this is disgusting. But it's the same thing as like, you know, if you gave me a piece of bread that was crunchy, I'd be like, this is stale. You give me croutons. I love them.

Right. So it's all about your framework. But the Rice Krispies mixed with the Crispix and I have a bowl of just a bag of just marshmallows that I put in. It's the best cereal I've ever had. It's incredible. I am going to perfect. I'm going to become a cereal maker.

I'm going to go get the freeze-dried fruit type things. I'm going to get some chocolate things. I'm going to get all different bases. And I'm going to start. I'm going to be a cereal alchemist. And I'm going to make. That's it. I'm a cereal maker from now on.

I wonder what the copyright there is. If I just mix two cereals? There are things like Magic Stars that are like Lucky Charms, but just like boo-bop. That's true. You don't have a patent on oats. You might have a patent on this shape or that specific flavor, but I'm coming for your ass, Big Cereal. Watch the fuck out.

Can you violate HIPAA on yourself? No. Then we have a new line of content, my friend. I had a therapy session the other day that if I had it filmed and we put it out, it would be gold. Also, I'd like to just clear myself of any responsibility. Yeah. He's absolutely wrong. No, I'm pretty sure I'm right.

I can tell you what surgeries i've had just the doctor performed the surgery true true yes correct correct um i had two sessions with this therapist who was like supposed to be like amazing like world class which lord knows i need that and the first one i was a wreck i was like weeping through the whole thing and then the second one i was like i was here too so like my whole vibe was different. It's very weird doing it. Yeah. You do it in here. Yeah.

Yeah. It's all right. Cause you, you're always just thinking these microphones around. And she had me, uh, not even that though. Just like, I don't know, people walk in or I gotta go back out there afterwards. I can't be like a total mess. She had me draw a circle, make it like a pizza pie. She was like, right.

You know, all these, all the things in your life that are important to you and then rank them from like one to 10, you know? And so I do that. And it's things like, what? It was, it was things, it was like family,

like finances, interpersonal relationships, um, work, hobbies, you know, just all those things. And I told her,

I'm like, none of these are like bad. Some of them are bad. Some of them are like how they're going. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Like my, my are, like, bad. Some of them are bad. Some of them are bad. Like, how they're going. Yes, yeah, yeah. Like, my emotional, like, health and my physical health are zeros. Like, they're catastrophic.

Those could be better. But the rest of these things, like, therapy will probably help me get through a lot of, like, inner shit and will make me get from good to, like, maybe, or like great even but if i'm i need to be going from bad to like okay that would be the bigger motivator for me you know what i mean yeah like if work was like i got fired from my job and i need to like become a better person so that i can like hold down a job or like i can't i can't have a girlfriend i can't have any relationships because i have all these issues so i need to like learn how to do that i can do all these things so i was kind of like you know what like things are like okay and she was like who are you like what happened to the first guy i talked to i was like i don't know like things are just different today you know and it so long story short it ended with her going oh

you're world class and you don't know how to deal with bipolar syndrome thanks so it ended with her going like i think you need to like take a moment and figure out if this is even something you want to do i was like well that was the wrong thing to say because now now i'm like i'm gonna be like well then i don't yeah like fuck off you don't want me i don't want you i quit yeah i quit therapy i mean it it's and i feel like had had i been able to put that out and people who know me like watch her reacting and watch her her being confused and me being like yeah i don't really care i was kind of like listen i don't give a shit about me she was like what and i was like listen if my family is good my friends are good my work is good my family is good, my friends are good, my work is good, my finance is good, everybody else is good, if it's an emotional, like, tormenting life inside of me, that's fine.

As long as you're good, I can deal with all my shit being horrible. And she was like, this is so bad. This is so horrible. I've been internalizing it for 32 years. You think I'm going to stop now? I'm halfway done. I am pot committed to this lifestyle, babe. There is no sense in folding this hand.

I'm just going to ride. What's on the river? Flip the cards over, bitch. But I was like, have you never done therapy for an Irish Catholic person? Have you never encountered this? This is what we do. The only thing we're trying to figure out in my therapy is just like if that's my personality or if i have a problem yeah and she's like i think it's just you i think it's just like who you are yeah yeah i guess so do you think there's nothing

that fixes this i thought that we were pretty common and average as always like i feel like me and you the reason why we are even successful is because we are just medium all the way through you know like that most people can relate to us and most people do things the way we do but now i'm starting to feel like every especially talking to this like this therapist who you know has allegedly supposedly talked to like everybody and everything and fixed all sorts of problems she was like baffled by me and i was like um our motherfuckers really not like this but i actually like i like that well i like her not being able to yes i get off on that yes i kind of feel like

like you're just emboldening me yes like i am not you know what because you know why i'll hit you with some therapy right now because for the first time we're special you've never encountered something like this even i get i, I've had a weird, I got off with all my like physical injuries. I remember my doctor who, my back was fucked up. He's like, you know, he's done like something like 10,000 surgeries or whatever. He's like, I can count on one hand the amount of times I've encountered like an injury situation like yours. And I was like, that's right, motherfucker. Ain't nobody got busted up discs like me.

Go ahead, you can write about me in a medical journal if you want. Yes. I want to be the guy when they get on the phone and they're like, send on all the interns. They got to see this. You know, I want them to observe me like I'm fucking Blanca. I had a girl. I'm a special case. And when I was probably a sophomore in college.

So, like, you know, she's not fucking doing her dissertation or something like that. But she was a psych major. And she was. I didn't even, like, talk to her. So like, you know, she's not fucking doing her dissertation or something like that, but she was a psych major and she was, she, I didn't even like talk to her. We weren't even really like, we went to high school together and then like sophomore in college. She's like, I think we still,

I am. Um, she's like, and she's like, can I do a paper on you? And I was like, we weren't even like that close in high school. Sure.

I guess. And it was just about like apathy, I guess, or something. And I was like and I was like this feels pretty cool what are your questions I don't care about them fire away

I will give you an indifferent answer that's all I can say I don't give a shit and then my favorite part of them not being being able to grasp things is like as you'd imagine she's like so what's childhood like and then i just like i started being alone at four

i told i just tell her one thing i just run game on her yeah yeah and like it's not it's not like uh no you're like trying to like fuck her up no no i her. I'm not running. I'm running material. I'm running material and I'm just like I'll just tell her stories of like I told her the of I think the hospital story. The December. You're just doing one thing I learned.

And she's like wait what? And I'm like what do you mean? That's funny. What are you doing? Yeah look at that bitch. Knowing that wait what yeah and i'm like what do you mean like that's funny what are you doing knowing that story it's like yeah if you tell that to a therapist they're gonna be concerned that is a very funny story yeah i forget another one i had and she's just like she's like so that's why everything's fine it's because at a young age you were not allowed to have emotions and i'm like like yeah but i don't

care like it's not it's not like uh it's not it does i think i said this last episode like i don't care why i am the way i am right and if you can't fix it then it doesn't matter yeah because it's just the way i am so i said that too i was like listen what like absolutely torments me is i have guilt from like my divorce and now i know i'm separated from this woman and I know I'm not around my kids all the time when I feel like I should be and if I get to a place where I'm like I've made peace with that but it's all still happening

who fucking cares and I said to her as a matter of fact I think that's even worse I think if I've made peace with the fact that I'm never not around for my kids seven days a week then I feel like a deadbeat dad next thing you know you wake up in the morning you go to the gym at 3am and you forget they were even there

because you made peace with the whole thing and then she was like I could see her in her eyes being like you're an idiot but okay and she was like no but when you work through that and you let go of that guilt and you become better like a better person and you can have your control of your emotions and stuff, then you'll be able to like have relationships with other girls.

And I was like, well, I can do that. I've done that already. And she's like, okay, all right, fine. But like then you'll be able to like go out with friends and like have fun. And admittedly, I do need to do that more and be better at that. But I was like, no, but I can do that. She was like, and you'll be better at work. And I was like, no, but I can do that. She was like, and you'll be better at work. I was like, we kind of kill it at work. Everything's

fucking okay. She was kind of like, what are we doing here? I was like, I don't know. You tell me. I thought that was your job. That was cool. Make that into a gift. Now I feel special. That's all I need. You know what? I don't need therapy anymore.

I threw a piece of paper and it came back to me. Let's go. But when you look at a picture like that and you know that's what, A, you look like, and, B, that's what your mind knows you look like, you need therapy, bro. All right. Let's get into it. We haven't even touched any of the topics. I was going to say, Nick, how long have we been recording for? An hour? 35 minutes.

35 minutes. The podcast started. Yeah, we have not touched a topic. This is why we're never going to have a short podcast. I'm sorry. We have not touched the topic that we decided we wanted to touch yet. That was a 35-minute intro. That technically was an ad read for Roman.

The whole fucking thing. So the podcast starts now. It's brought to you by Cuts Clothing. Oh, I'm wearing Cuts today right now. This is a Cuts hoodie, just by chance. I like this. The new hoodies that came out. I was honestly thinking that was a sharp hoodie.

Yeah. They make these, this material is kind of like athletic-y material. It's a little bit more, you know, it's the perfect, and this has been the vibe the whole time in pandemic where everyone now is dressing comfortable. But, you know, if you wear like your pajamas type of hoodie, people can tell, you know, and this is more of like a sleek, nice, stylish hoodie. The way that it kind of like crisscrosses here at the top looks like this the the stitching and the design of it all looks pretty cool uh i got one in all white you can

definitely tell it's not like a throwaway hoodie right and i didn't get this out like models to go like work out it's a game day nice yes so they've got the hoodies now to go along with the t-shirts that they've been the you know world-class t-shirts that they've been famous for. You can buy all of these shirts in all different mono colors. Not mono, but they're all just, what's it called? I don't know. It's just one color. I guess mono?

Monotone? Yeah, monotone. So you can get black, gray, white, tan, navy, like the classics. Monochromatic? Monochromatic, sure. Their whole thing is you open up the closet, you grab the one that matches, and you're good to go. You don't have to waste time.

You have, you know, a classic, classy wardrobe that kind of rolls with everything. They said take a plain T-shirt and make it Tony Stark. I like that. Yeah. You can get it in. You can change your collar. You can change your waist, like hem and the color. So you can do like a V-neck tan elongated T.

Or you can do a scoop neck hemmed T with the brown. Yeah, so you just mix and match the color and the styles and the cut. And so, you know, what's that? You have like the permutations. You know what a permutation is? Remember that? Yeah, where you got like 60,000 different combinations all from just a handful of colors and styles. Entrepreneurs wear it.

Athletes wear it. Podcast hosts wear it. Everybody loves the cuts. According to GQ, it's the only shirt worth wearing, and GQ is the gospel. You know that. So go to cutsclothing.com slash clancy this time clancy will get you 15 off that's cutsclothing.com slash clancy for cuts clothing the only shirt worth wearing kim and kanye are getting a divorce moment of silence for them i know you're being sarcastic

and i don't think you should be no I think I should be I don't think so I think they were a trash couple from the jump I think that celebrity couples while often admonished should be revered

and should be treated like aging in presidential years. Okay. Because if they made it 10 years, it's more like, you know, if you made it six, you guys were married for 40 years. I actually agree with that. I just don't think they're a good example for your theory.

How come? I think they're the best example. I think that they were, like, totally like a business transaction. I don't think there was ever love. I disagree with that. I don't know why. Probably from like the three clips I saw on the Kardashian show on the state TV. But the – I think they're the best example because of what they put each other through.

That like if you last six years putting each other through that is – that's incredibly impressive. That's amazing. That's like – I mean just think about like when you're in a regular relationship and your significant other starts saying like I'm going to start going to the gym. And you're like, yeah, oh, fucking K, dude. Think of you. They came downstairs saying they were God. I'm going to be president. I you're like, yeah. Oh, fucking K, dude. Think of you if they came downstairs saying they were God. I'm going to be president. I'm going to be president.

Kanye thinks he's Jesus Christ. And you know what? President's him and he took it down a notch. And you know what's even worse than that? Is when Kim came downstairs and was like, I'm going to be a lawyer. That's more far-fetched than Kanye saying he's going to be God. So both of them are probably like, let me pick up my eyeballs that just rolled out of my fucking head,

you asshole. But even the things they said to each other that they did, that they were successful about, you'd be like, oh my God, they're fucking doing it again. And you want to have a significant other who has aspirations and dreams. Sure. Because otherwise you're like, what are we fucking doing here? Yeah.

But if their aspirations are, I want to be the first billionaire CEO of Adidas. i want to be uh the first billionaire ceo of adidas i want to i demand to be on the adidas board i want to build a church in fucking uh wyoming i want to it's gonna be an underground church you'll be like and there's things he did yeah he fucking did it but it's still the moment you told me i would be filled with so much rage and anger i'd be like oh will you just go change the diaper kanye right like stop designing futuristic sneakers and just go take care of the baby for a second like and her being you know i gotta go see donald trump today because

i gotta like get this person out of prison it's like and she fucking did it but it's also like kim shut up and then go do makeup just go go, like, show your ass on TV again. Fuck off. But then you also have the fire it's fueling in the sense of that, like, well, I got to fucking pull my weight. So you're like, I can't even have a Sunday off to worship God. I have to go build a church because she built this empire here. And you're like, you're just competing and competing and rolling eyes and competing and you're just like get me

the fuck out of this relationship let me just have some peace for a moment like if you have that they really are they're kind of like the embodiment of like money's the root of all evil or like you know like if they weren't so successful

they probably had more of a shot of just like being a couple but they weren't so successful they probably had more of a shot of just like being a couple right but they were both so successful and it became both a competition and like business and all that that they just kept and like to do that for six years with four kids it's a long ass time yeah they like kanye built a house that just is just white have you seen the fight over the house? No. So that's the – She's probably going to take it. This thing is ugly as shit. Well, they don't think so.

I agree. But so she owns all of the land and all of, like, everything else. But he owns the actual, like, building. And then I think they, like, split the cost of the renovations to turn it into, like, white palace. And so there's, like, a big fight over, like a big fight over who gets what. Because I own the land, but you own the actual structure. What was the McDonald's movie called? Super Size?

No, no, no. The one about the guy? Yeah. The one about Ray Crown. Founder? No. Yeah, I think it was Founder. What we're dealing with here is the same fight that McDonald's franchise owners ran with for a while. The actual building versus the land. I think Kim's going to come out on top.

Yeah, I don't know why. You know what she should do if we want to get spiteful with it? She should just dumb all that shit. Just implode it. Be like, I win, it's mine, and I'm ruining it. Like Shooter McGavin style. Like, I'll piss on the ashes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll burn it down. Whatever. Imagine that all of the Kardashian women just, like, pull their pants down and squat and pee on the ashes of Kanye's house. So the rumors are that they were supposed to be divorced a long time ago. And then pandemic hit and backed that all up which i i think is a very common thing and probably the worst thing of all time i was gonna say yeah that is just exacerbate the problem could you imagine being like um because i know this firsthand where so much paperwork and things take so long there's really not much urgency because it's like well

you haven't gotten back to me it took six months to even get this like email right so i'll get to a way and get to it can you imagine back on imagine back on March 9th or whatever it was? You're like, I'll send it on Monday. And then it's like, no, you will not. And now you are trapped with that person. And then you're like, oh, all right, like two weeks. All right. I can just buckle down, batten down the hatches,

and just do this for two more weeks. And then nine months later, you're still fucking married to this person. But it sounds like they've been separate like, separate for a long time. Yeah, they have enough homes where you can be like, I'll just. We'll get to the paperwork when we get to the paperwork. I'm going to go live in Florida. I'm going to go live in Wyoming. He showed up to, like, one of the kids' birthday parties, but, like, wasn't really there otherwise.

He showed up to Kim's. Kim's birthday party, yeah. That was such a funny blurb. Remember that when he gave her the hologram, too, though, and she was so about, like, you would have thought they were, like, so in love. And she was probably like all right cool gift dick can you get out of here so i can hang out with my boyfriend yeah the uh the like the the article in page six was like kanye barely kanye like didn't want to be in pictures didn't want to do anything all he did was bring that hologram and then left yep and it's like that's

a lot all he did all he did was like come up with a come up with the most unique gift of all time. Also, now the fucking talking point. Yeah, it makes sense. Now it makes a lot more sense when it's like, Robert Cash is like, The best husband ever. That and also, every time you hear a loud fart, that's me. Your fucking fart dad.

The headline I thought was hilarious. Kim Kardashian reportedly cheats on Kanye West with many, many men. I mean, that is tough. But apparently that. Brave of those men. I would not. I would not. Yeah, but at the same time, you would.

You would know it's a bad idea and it's dangerous but you would if kim was like fuck me if kim kardashian was like fuck me right now i would give her the best five seconds of my fucking life i mean that's a that's a chick who and i mean this in the most respectful way the most feminist way ever it out of all the women like in the world maybe even if that chick comes at you and he's like fuck me she might be like number one on the planet where it's like okay like there's there's there might be you might think this woman is hotter you might think you like this person better like whatever but when it comes down to just like she's this like bad bitch clout bearing powerful woman famous like just and

like she wants to fuck me like okay i probably couldn't even get hard for kim kardashian i'd probably be so fucking i would need my roman no doubt like hang on one second kim rip open my swipe rub it on uh but i would you think kim's good in bed? We've seen the Ray J one, and it was not great. I think it was better than fucking – You think so? Better than Paris. Paris is terrible. Paris is bad.

That's a bad bar to put up. It's not like – it's not the greatest sex tape ever. Who's like a good celebrity sex tape performer? I mean, I don't think there are that many. Yeah, but I don't think any of them are all that good either. Have you ever seen one that's like, oh, she threw down? I haven't seen. But also, I can take into account times have changed since these were all filmed.

But that's also what I mean. So has there been one where the bar has been raised and people are ready to go? I don't think you can have a sex tape anymore. Hmm. What do you mean? I think because it's sexy, but there was a stretch of time there. I disagree. We can joke.

I think there was a stretch of time where just the fact that, like, oh, they're naked and having sex was the appeal. Right. And now I think we're hyperjudgmental of them. And it's like back then, like, back then you put on a video and it's like, oh, this is kind of freaky. They're not wearing a condom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why that guy Jay Alvarez or whatever, when he was like cooking up the fucking coconut oil and pouring on her asshole and stuff. I was like, all right, this is like some new age shit.

Yeah, this guy's going in. Like this guy's eating his chick's butt on a sex tape. That's that's how it is real life. But we haven't seen that yet on camera. I think it's either the celebrity put on a sex tape now. It either has to be so good where it's going to be too horrifying for mainstream.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or they no longer have mainstream copies. It's like, we're not working with this person. I just saw her give a fucking rim job while her mom sucked,

her stepmom sucked his dick. And then, or it's going to be so bland where it's like, ew, they're bad in bed. Right, right. Who do you want to watch? They would both equally hurt your brand.

Which is worse? I think it's worse to be boring. I think it's worse financially to be freaky. Like you might become more untouchable. Yeah, you'd be like, I'm not fucking working with them. But for your personal brand, you know? It's like that game that we tried to play a couple times, Horror or Bore, that those guys in D.C. came up with,

where it's like you try to figure out how many guys a girl has slept with, and you decide whether they're a whore or a bore at the end. And you would think that being called a whore is worse, but I think calling a girl a bore is like, I'm not boring. I'm not a whore either, but I'm not boring. I think I'd rather be outed. If you're going to have to get outed, if there's going to be a leak or whatever, I'd rather be people a whore either, but I'm not boring. I think I'd rather be outed as – if you're going to have to get outed, if there's going to be a leak or whatever, I'd rather be like people like –

Well, me personally, yes. But the level of people who are putting out sex tapes. Yeah, they want to – I don't know. Even that though, the way the world is going where it's like, yeah, all right, maybe you're going to lose your deal to like, I don't know, Reebok. But – or like I'd rather than still connect with like the people who are like yeah that person throws down or that person like they have sex like i do or like that's like that's more relatable and then like in the long run i think you'll be better off

i don't know i i think i think i think the the uh eventually like the big brands will come back around because i that's another thing, by the way. I bet you, if you play your cards right, and you have good PR, if somebody drops you for having sex, they're going to get in trouble. Slut shamed? Yeah, slut shamed.

It's not even slut. It's like, this is my husband or my boyfriend, my girlfriend. This is my monogamous sex life, and you're going to prevent me from earning a living because I like to. It's a federal crime to put that out there. Federal crime. We know that.

Federal crime. Yeah, I bet you you can't drop somebody anymore. You definitely can. You can, but I bet you get backlash. If that person plays their cards right and they're just like, this was a private moment between me and my husband or girlfriend and you're going to judge my sexual behavior i mean if like kim if it's a person like kim their her fans will boycott that company so fucking fast their heads will spin

right but we're we're talking about like you're not at that level of fame but you're famous you're not kim kardashian is but you're you're at the level of him kim was before her sex thing yeah and right right that person you know that person get kicked up the curb real fast yeah if you fucking right get uh videos released you're look, it was a consensual blow bang between me and my husband and nine friends. Like, I don't care. You're not doing commercials for NBC anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would get that. Right. It's very progressive. I'd also be like, yeah, it makes sense. Yeah, yeah. I see where you're going. Right. That's like you're getting like canceled.

It's like, yeah, we just can't do these things on network TV. Yeah, yeah. It's like the Shane Gillis shit where it's like, it's like we just, you're doing. Right. That's like you're getting like canceled. It's like, yeah, we just can't do these things on network TV. Yeah. It's like the Shane Gillis shit where it's like you're in the wrong company or the wrong place. We just can't do these things anymore if you are a pseudo porn star. But who's a celebrity you think their sex date would be like? Whoa. I don't even know celebrities anymore, man. I want to watch Brad Pitt fuck so bad.

Okay, okay. We're going guys. I can do that. Definitely. Definitely. I want to see Brad Pitt's dick game. Because I also wonder sometimes, I mean, when you're pretty, you're really, really pretty, guys or girls, you're probably not good in bed. As far as the old adage kind of goes.

They don't need to try hard. They don't need to go above and beyond. You give pretty girl head, and it's bad because it's like at the end of the day, after this, I gave you lame head or I'm a dead fish in bed, but I'm a 10, so you're going to keep me around. But I feel like Brad Pitt kind of breaks that mold. I think Brad Pitt does. I think – god, this is is putting on a spot here i think that um i think a megan fox sex tape would be bangerang

yes megan fax uh megan fox machine gun kelly sex tape right now would be worth the watch i think i think megan fox i i'll watch a fucking cam girl video megan fox because i think he's just i will watch megan fox paint her toenails even the fucked up toe and i'll get off no she's a fucking cam girl video of Megan Fox because I think she's just I will watch Megan Fox paint her toenails even the fucked up toe and I'll get off no she doesn't fuck up toes she's fucked up thumb I'll watch her get a manicure with that toe thumb

and I'll get off on that the I always just think the article in like Rolling Stone or whatever way back when with her like as she was coming out and they like tracked down her

boyfriend in Florida yeah and he was just like she was was just too much for me. Yeah. If you're saying that about a girl, she was just too much for me. It was John Mayer said Jennifer Aniston's sexual napalm? Yes. Which I find hard to believe.

Oh, I find it easy to believe because that was post-Brad Pitt. Right. She probably picked up a few lessons from the man. But her, the rest of her persona. No. She's the opposite. She's, the rest of her persona. No. She's the opposite. She's exactly what I'm talking about. I think she's prissy and proper and super hot.

And I'm surprised that she's not a dead fish in bed. I think. The fact that she can blow John Mayer's mind is nuts. A significant amount of roles. Oh, yeah. In the doctor movie where she plays a doctor. Where she's a dentist in Harbaugh Bosses. She has that scene in We're the Millers. And then she also has. She's with the doctor where and she's a dentist in harville bosses she has that scene in we're the millers and then she also has it in the breakup a walking down the

hallway a character appearance on uh 30 rock where she is liz lemon's friend from college she is just like a slutty friend who's trying to fuck jack donaghy so that kind of opens up the discussion more because you know why because she's an actress so in those movies are they is it is it just like hey you need to act like you're like a slutty sex bomb right now you're so good at it yeah there's a reason right right but but so like there are no actress or actor who's good at their job should be bad in bed true because maybe they maybe they're not enjoying it maybe they're like this is not how i prefer to have sex, but I can turn it on for you the same way that I can be a fucking,

I can play the president. I can play the killer. I will play the porn star right now. They should all be good in bed. I've seen, I've seen. If you're a fucking, if you fuck an actress or an actor and they're bad in bed,

you should yell at them and be like, turn it on. Action. Fuck me like a whore. I think Jessica Biel, again, i'm just thinking of like role she has a role in uh in uh new girl where she's just kind of uh she's after it yeah yeah she's like i imagine jt is not settling down with someone who can't yeah yeah i would like to watch her have sex with James. I bet you Britney Spears in her prime was a

sight to behold. She farted a lot. On purpose. Imagine you're hitting it like spoon style. She just farts on your belly, basically. When Britney's asshole's touching your belly button, she's farting into your belly button.

Sounds like she just farted on a water bed. Just has that. You ever fart on a weird surface? Sounds like she farted on a leather couch. Sometimes you fart on a weird surface. It's got a different sound to it. That's what my belly sounds like, I bet. Bro, you know what is so funny?

So we're trying out this no guest january thing right and we've had discussions behind the scenes and i've even tweeted about it where it's like this shouldn't make a difference the episodes that we've always done have been like two hours of us talking and then like an hour of guests and if and if you don't like the guests just don't listen to the guests but you still get a two-hour podcast so it shouldn't make any difference but it's we're being ridiculous this episode is ridiculous right now so there's a difference and i don't know why but we're talking about farting on water beds and like we're just letting it fucking fly and it's not like we made a concerted effort to be different but something is different when it's just you and us and so this this idea is going to work, I think, because we are.

We're also like we have guests on Tuesday. Yeah, we do. We have one guest. So it's very few guests January. Right. Because I think we also have another one locked in. I don't know if you know about it yet, but somebody actually just mentioned last episode. So we do have some guests.

But when they are. No email yet. But boy, we are off the fucking rails here. Let's do M of the Asshole. M of the Asshole brought to you by Acorns. Acorns is the perfect app for people like us, for guys like me, guys and girls like you, who we certainly want money, no doubt need money even more so but we don't have you know an

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We got a couple couple doozies. Can you grab me one of those? So let's get right into it. We'll start with one here. I don't even know. This actually isn't technically an am I the asshole, but we are going to turn it into one. This comes from our girl, Violet Benson. She posted this over on Daddy Issues.

It's a little bit old. It's from 2019, so you may have already heard it, but it's kind of going re-viral. And it's the tale of the girl in the kitty litter. This is a video that lives in your head. I accidentally clogged my boyfriend's toilet, so I took the poop out and put it in his cat litter box. And he asked if I pooped in it.

I said, no, but you see, this cat has been dead for a week. Please pick me up. So you get a call from your sister. She clogs the boyfriend's toilet. And I don't know if this is really truly real, because the poop is not really what clogs the toilet. But I guess if you have the clogged toilet, it won't go down. You don't want to just leave a log floating in the water.

So the girl clogs the toilet. She can't flush it down. The guy has a cat. So she takes the poop out of the toilet, puts it in the litter box to be like, oh, it was just the cat that pooped. And then the boyfriend calls her out and says, did you poop in my kitty box? And she's like, no. And it's like, well, my cat's been dead for a week. So it ain't the cat

shitting in the litter box and i know it wasn't me so did you shit in my cat's litter box now am i the asshole because i'm gonna say that there there's multiple potential assholes in this in this picture if you ask me okay i'm gonna go with you first. Well, obviously. So I actually I don't think she's the asshole. I think she is making, you know, reckless and desperate moves in a shitty pun intended spot. I think, yeah, I think she's making the best of a bad situation. Right. The guy, I think, is the asshole for calling her out. For putting her on the spot. Because unless this girl

unless there's more to it and this girl is like a crazy person and you have to worry about her like being a weird person with her poop or something I would take pity. If I went Pepe Sylvia and I put the pieces together here

and I realized what this girl did I don't think, I don't know if I would see her again. I don't know. I mean, I don't know if they're boyfriend dating, just on a date, whatever. I just think I would be like, this girl had some sort of poop emergency and I caught her and I'm just going to look the other way. Because that's what I would want. Do unto others. That's what the good book says, right? I would not want someone to do that to me.

But I also don't want to clean up someone else's human feces. So, like. Well, okay. Again, you're willing to clean up the cats. The whole point of litter boxes is you can just kind of scoop it and toss it and you're done. It's not like you have to sit there with your bare hands. To be honest, I'm not willing to do it with cats either. No.

I think it's pets in general are weird when you think about it. It's like I really like to be able to pet this fluffy thing. So I will take it outside so that it can shit and I will pick it up and throw it out. Also that I can have an animal live in the house with me. That's pretty crazy. As is, you know what? These things, they're not really walkable. So I'll just let it shit in the sandbox.

That's fucking nuts too uh but i think it's more of a i think that she is in she is in an embarrassing spot but one that she's not intentionally trying to harm anybody she's just like trying to make trying to figure it out whereas he is like embarrassing her yeah he knows the answer he's not like He's not trying to figure out the mystery. He knows it. She's shitting the litter box. So he's like, I'm going to put you on blast and make you cry and call your sister. I think I'm too nice of a guy

to call out the girl for shitting in the litter box. I think I probably am. But also, I'm too... I guess you have the right to do so, I guess. But I'm also too sly, I suppose the word would be, to end up putting poop in a litter box. Yeah. I mean, I've been in situations like this before.

What would you do? I have bagged up. Yeah. Get under the sink. You find it. Let me tell you something here. If you're in a room, you can find a plastic bag. Definitely.

Any room in the world, there's a plastic bag. And even, you know, usually bathrooms are going to have a little garbage can, bathroom garbage can, and there's a garbage bag in that, but there's also things in there. You can kind of wrap it up. You have toilet paper. You can just wrap the turd up. There's ways around this. Oh, that's why I grabbed

the hand up, and then you get the hand in there. Oh, you get in there. And you break it up. I'm thinking about getting, like, if you need to put the poop somewhere, and there's no litter hand in there. Oh, you get in there. And you break it up. I'm thinking about getting, like, if you need to put the poop somewhere and there's no litter box, let's say, you can put it into something. Probably a fucking window. Yeah. Well, not always, but yes, often. There's pretty often a window in the bathroom.

Pretty often. But if you're not, you know, if you're in one of these interior. I don't, in fact, now that I think about it, I don't know. I guess, I'm trying to think if I've ever lived in an apartment without a window in the bathroom. Yeah. No, they exist especially here in new york where it's like you know you gotta mind you got one yeah yeah it's it's it's not totally uncommon but i think you know like if let's say again i don't know the situation if they're dating or whatever like if this happened to me and i was just like let's say i bag this poop up so there's no no i'm not

bagging the poop up i'm bagging the hand up and i'm breaking the poop's say i bag this poop up so there's no no i'm not bagging the poop up i'm bagging the hand up and i'm breaking the i get it that's fine but let's say i can't we can't there's no plunger and there's no way for this poop to get down the toilet right so we're at the point where it's like we got to put it like and there's no litter box but i need to come up with a litter box situation if i if i can get that poop out and let's say there's a garbage bag or whatever i'm taking a garbage bag. Just – even if you just make up like a ridiculous excuse and just run out of the apartment. Be like, I forgot something in my car.

I'll be right back. And then the guy is like, what? And especially if you're a girl, you could be like, I was having like feminine issues. I need to run to my car. And then the guy is like, okay, don't know what it is. And you just smuggled like a bag of poop out and you throw it out. You know, like, like you could,

it won't be smooth. They're definitely gonna be like, what the fuck was that? But they're not going to be like, she had poop in her hands, you know, right. The poop has to be totally like,

I think she, you know what the worst part is again, assuming this is all real. She probably was like, nailed it. Like the litter box. Brilliant. You know what the worst part is? Again, assuming this is all real. She probably was like, nailed it. The litter box. Brilliant, you know? Why do you have the litter box if your cat's dead?

What kind of shit are you taking? It could be a cat. Well, she's a girl. I don't think girls are dropping off fucking monster logs, you know? I would hope that most girls can pass off as kitty poop. I don't think, dude. A cat is fucking, even a woman is 120 pounds, or however many pounds they are.

Yeah. A cat is three. Yeah, but think about the shit that your dog takes. You're way more than your dog, and your dog can take a pile of shit, right? But it can also be like a... Yeah, it might also take big shit. I take a shit in your litter house, in your litter box.

Like, who let a moose in? Like... You know what? I kind of want to, like, see what it's like to shit in a litter box. I mean, it's just like shitting outside. I don't think I've shit outside. Oh, yeah. Yeah? You shit outside? I shit't think I've shit outside. Oh, yeah. Yeah? You shit outside?

I shit outside one time into a bag. And then when I got done, I was like, why am I holding a bag of shit? Why didn't I just shit on the ground? I was coming over the Newport Bridge. Oh, not Newport Bridge. Sakana Bridge, I think it is. The bridge that connects Tiverton to Port Sutherland. And I was just in traffic on the bridge.

I was like, this is the worst. This is the worst. This is the worst. This is what's going to happen. And I just took the first exit right off the bridge, hobbled into the woods, and I brought a bag with me. Apparently, I have a real poop connection with plastic bags. And then I just squatted over it like it was a toilet. I just pooped into it like it was diarrhea.

I just stood up and I was like, why is this in the bag you know the most amazing thing that happened to you john you know john i'm gonna tell you a story there's a man by the name of michael jordan right and for you know from like 1984 to like 1990 like probably 1994 he was he had his brand was like he was ferocious he would cut to the hole he would dunk he would fucking drive to the hole and then his second act he had the fadeaway jumper you your second act is you're the poop guy you're you are you have become your brand has become you all your bowel movements i was thinking halfway through that segment i was like I haven't even gagged yet. And I was, like, proud of myself. And then I was, like, mad at myself.

I was like, nah, dude. You should be gagging. There were a few times where it came up a bit where it was like. There were a few times. You know why, though? Because it's your own shit. Yeah. If I was telling you the story, you'd be.

But, yeah, I think any other excuse that you just end up being weird, you have some weird behavior, that's fine. As long as you don't admit to the poop, you know? Yeah. You could say nothing. You could, you know, especially like just fucking pick up your phone and be like, oh my God, are you serious? And run out.

And then be like, it was my mom. And it ended up being something like so silly. And then the guy will be like, I don't know what the fuck is going on, but whatever. I think you come out and tag him. Tag him. What does that mean? Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! And then I like that. And then he's just like, what the fuck is going on? This bitch wants to play tag with me, but I'm trying to still sleep with her. So whatever. Let's play. And what? Did she have a bag in her hand? Oh, whatever. I don't know.

You gotta be fast. Yeah. He catches you and you got a bag and you're not you. You just gotta get outside and boom, ditch it. It's like running from the cops with a gun. I just gotta clear. Throw it in the river. I gotta get alone for half a second. Right, right. Just so they can't see me throw it. Yeah, yeah.

Who was it that got caught with the nail file? Phil Necro, I think maybe? Like an old school pitcher? Remember he did the you know, who was it that got caught with the nail file? Phil Necro, I think, maybe? Like an old school pitcher? Remember he did the, like, he was like, I don't have anything. And he just threw it like that. Oh, yeah. And, like, and he almost got away with it.

Yeah, yeah, I don't remember this. So, like, the umpires, they called him out. He was, like, filing the ball down with, like, a little thumb-sized nail file. And they were like, check his pockets. And he went, like, I don't have it. Like that. And I think, like, four of the umpires got duped. But one guy saw him. nail file and they were like check his pockets and he went like i don't have it like that and i think like four of the umpires got duped but one guy saw him i was like what was that but you know you do that with the poop just it's gone get rid of it as long as they don't see

then you're good but i i think again you can't come back from this if you get caught you can come back from any anything else almost any excuse, any other weird claim that you make, fine. If he knows that you clogged the toilet and picked the poop up and, you know, that's going to be hard. I could love you with all my heart and at least maybe I'm not going to break up with you, but I'm going to make fun of you about the poop. You think she barehanded it? You think she fucking wrote Omar Vizquel with that piece of shit? I mean, probably. I, uh, I mean, I, I bet you,

she probably even worse. I bet she probably wrapped her hand up with like some toilet paper thing. And then it makes it worse. Cause it like, and now you have just like a, a piece soaked like mitten on, you know, and your hands are going through it.

You're grabbing the poop. Oh man. Uh, but yeah I mean I think he's the actual asshole in the sense of like

you're gonna hurt this girl's feelings and maybe I'm just a fucking simp yeah maybe I'm just a simp boy I think probably in the moment

I'd do the same thing I'd be like we all know what's going on here but I'm not gonna like hold you to the fire I'd probably I'd probably still

break up with you I'd be like I'm gonna yeah I'm gonna clean this girl's shit. Right. You've lost my trust in the relationship.

You're a liar. I'll never know. I'll see a piece of shit for the rest of my life. I'll be like, I might have been her. I'll walk on the street and you see dog shit added and picked up. Come on. Again? Again, Jessica?

Come on. But, man, you get that call from your sister. Please pick me up. Pick me up. That's a tough one. We'll keep with the – well, no. Let's get to a couple ones that we found from Twitter first because then we got one that is kind of from the current events of the world here. Am I the asshole for making my brother miss his important flight?

Am I the assholes have gotten a little weird? I think because I just know them so well. Like, I read this and I expect it to be, because I'm like, yes, obviously. And then, like, I expect it to be, like. Sometimes they throw a little curveball for you. Well, I expect it to be something, like, really graphic or awful inside it. This one's not as graphic. I mean, it's supposed to be something really graphic or awful inside it. This one's not as graphic. I mean, it's not graphic at all.

So I, 24, female, am close to my brother, 29, male, but he's pretty unreliable. He is late for absolutely everything. Everyone in our family knows this. Background, a few weeks ago, our sister, 27-year-old female. I hate that, by the way, just real quick. I think that's one of the worst traits in the world. When people are like, oh, that guy's just always late to everything, it's like, just stop doing that.

We're good at that. A few weeks ago, our sister, 27-year-old female, got into a terrible car accident. She spun out on black ice, a semi-truck hit her head on, and she ended up in the hospital. Goodness.

Her little car was completely crushed, and it's a miracle she's alive. We're all so grateful that it turned out okay. Well, this incident really straightened me up and gave me a wake-'s alive. We're all so grateful it turned out okay. Well, this incident really straightened me up and gave me a wake-up call. I've been extremely nervous to drive after seeing my sister's total car, so I've been super careful. I go the exact speed limit or under. I keep longer lengths between myself and other cars.

I don't do anything risky at all. I know it sounds a bit paranoid, but the accident is still so fresh in our family. A few days ago, my brother had a job interview in another state. He asked me to drive him to the airport in the morning, and I agreed. When my brother told me what time to pick him up, I said I didn't think he gave himself enough time. I told him I'd pick him up 30 minutes earlier, as I refused to speed for him. I reminded him of our sister's accident and how I was trying to be more careful driving on icy roads. He told me I was crazy, but he agreed to be ready at that time.

The morning of his flight, I arrived at the agreed time. Of course, in typical fashion, my brother was running late. We ended up leaving an hour later than he had planned because he wasn't fully ready. The whole ride to the airport, my brother was yelling and swearing at me to speed up because he was going to miss his flight. I went slightly over the speed limit, but I told him I didn't feel comfortable going faster in traffic. Also, the roads were slick.

I started panicking. He continued to huff and puff and flip out at me. When we arrived at the airport, he grabbed his bag and sprinted inside. I left. He ended up texting me that he missed his flight and that it ruined his job opportunity for being a fucking pussy. He won't talk to me at all right now. I feel really bad for making him miss his flight and job interview, but I won't apologize for being careful after I was just a guy in a traumatizing car accident. Am I the asshole? This is a good one.

I like this one i think ultimately these things fall on like you missed your job interview that's on you in a sense like i don't know you should have like got yourself to the airport you should have taken an uber you should have had that i'll strive you right yeah like having people drive you to the airport yeah 2021 the drop off and pick up from the airport is non-existent with the human that you know is not a thing it's crazy and even if you live in a small town and then uber it's like you have taxi companies still yeah or you have services whatever like come pick me up yes at this time because don't don't make my sister wake up in the morning yeah that's the other thing a lot of times flight times are

very inconvenient and then the whole time I'm just thinking about them driving back from the airport without me in the car being like at least when you pick up theoretically you know it should be someone you're like excited to see maybe you pick up a significant other family member and then you're like I'll come get you and on the way home you know we're all

together when it's the drop off and it's just like I gotta go home by myself it's fucking 6 a.m like what the fuck so like i think it's his fault to you know he he was late or went with a driver who couldn't get the job done and ultimately like it was your job to get there on time you didn't do it i understand where this pussy is coming from. But if you're driving somewhere and, and, and the, and they're like,

you're going to miss the, the point of the drive and you don't speed up. I would. You're an asshole. Come on. I'll speed up with someone in the car. So I'm going to speed up. Yeah.

To an extent, you know, but it's like, like when people are riding my ass, I'm going slower. You can suck a dick sure okay you know what though i mean if you're like in the left lane and someone's up on your ass you won't just move oh no no i'll move that's yeah because it's like you know when people

do that it's like you're you're not following the rules this is for like the people but i mean even like suburban streets yeah people will like tell you when it's just a one-lane road. I'll go fucking five miles an hour. I will out-petty you. That's for sure. I was racing on the road the other day with this guy. Oh, it was the best. I kind of cut him off to start. Not really.

I changed lanes. He was a little bit closer than probably should have been. And he took great offense to this. And was like, sped up. And clearly cut me off and pulled back in and hit the brakes. He was being overtly intentional. And then it was a race. Then it became a competition. And I just beat the shit out of him.

I was in and out. I was operating i was like i i like i kind of got in front of him in such a way that then he was going to be blocked by other cars like i just won you know what i mean and uh and then i the finish line in my mind was just my exit yeah and i could tell that like he he didn't want to get off of my exit but like it was like fuck like now like the race is over he won and i it was probably the most it was like probably the only competition the competitive thing i've done in a long time aside from like jenga and i felt like fucking days of thunder dude i was like i just won the grand prix i don't know fucking indie 500 on this motherfucker

but uh but yeah i mean like i i will i forget about, I would, if I was in the other situation, I would have gotten off the exit. Like, I will be so petty that I will change. I'll drive five miles an hour. I'll be late. I will go the wrong way to continue to fucking piss you off if you're trying to get at me on the line. Yeah.

I mean, if I don't have anything to do and someone does something like that. Sure. Yeah. My schedule is open. I'll ruin it. I don't give a shit. Now this is, now this is what's on my schedule. Ruining this guy's fucking experience on the road.

But you know what I mean? If it's like, yo, come on, like we only got 15 minutes. Like, can you hit the gas? And you're just like,

no. 10 and 2. I'm going to stay going 49 miles an hour. Like, that would drive me insane. And I'll just be like, pull over, let me drive like

and then yeah that's what i was thinking too yeah like all right i i hate driving with other people in the car at this point like i drive how i drive and if i can't drive that way it becomes more dangerous like when my bitch-ass mom is in the car with me she thinks that i'm like this reckless driver and it's like i'm a fast driver i don't like always use my signal i will like i'm in and out of lanes and stuff i can understand where she's coming from that it's not like proper driving but it's not like i'm never like out of control or reckless like it's just like that's how i drive and when you now ask me to do like 10 and 2 and go like 55 i am on that's what i'm dangerous yeah i don't know how they say other

people when people are passing me i get like uncomfortable and i'm in the right lane it's weird like let me just play the way i play because otherwise yeah it's like if you're not playing 100 you're gonna get hurt up yes exactly if you're not going full tilt like right that's that's when you get hurt and it's all it's also like when they're like why don't you uh just lay down a button in the shift i'm a home run hitter i just swing yeah this is how i drive i don't you're not gonna make me change my game okay she's she's the worst i i'm thinking about just getting in a car accident next time she's in the car with me so i mean there's clearly enough like a space between the car and she does the thing where she like yeah things it's like and i'm like literally

nothing happened bitch nothing is fucking wrong right now i also have gotten to the thing where she like grabs things. And I'm like, literally nothing happened, bitch. Nothing is fucking wrong right now. I also have gotten to the point where I, I mean, I'm just texting and driving constantly. See, I'm off on that. I mean, I drive with my knees and I text with both my hands. Jesus Christ, Kevin. I'm going to tell you right now, that's dangerous. So dangerous.

That is. What were you texting? Who do you need to text? I'm tweeting. I mean, I'm not even, you know, I'm just, sometimes I'm not even typing anything. I'm going to tell you right now, that's dangerous. So dangerous. What were you texting? Who do you need to text? I'm tweeting. Sometimes I'm not even typing anything. I'm just reading things. That is... I'm on Instagram just driving with my knees. That is

not okay. I'm the greatest knee driver on the planet. I think everyone who has ever driven with a knee, or anyone who has ever driven says they're the greatest knee driver on the planet. I am the greatest has ever driven with a knee or anyone who's ever driven says they're the greatest knee driver. I am. I'm the greatest knee driver. Even if I'm not, even if I don't have my hands occupied, I'll just drive with my knees.

I'm the goat. I drive with my knees a lot. But I don't go so far as to do the app where you hit X and no one can text me during it. But I don't touch my phone driving. And again, I don't drive very often. I don't put down my phone driving. But I don't touch my phone driving. And again, I don't drive very often. I don't put down my phone driving. But I don't even touch it. There's just nothing that's that important.

I'm like, alright, I'll just do this. I'll not get shamed. I don't text and drive for the same reason I wear a mask. I just don't want people to yell at me. I don't want to get in an accident or have something bad happen. They're like, that's your fault. I guess you're right. I hate too, though, if I am texting and driving.

Again, like, the person in the car will be like, ah! And I'm like, what? Ah! And they're like, you're texting and driving. I'm like, why are you screaming while I'm driving? That was more of a fucking dangerous thing than me texting and driving. I know what I'm doing. You just sit there, and I'll get you from point A to point B.

I don't get scared, but I would tell you. If I was in the car with you, I'd be like, put the phone down. You know what happens then? I would say, let's switch switch then i quadruple down see i would i would just be like i'll drive i don't care then i'd be like nope and i'm gonna write a blog don't you fucking tell me what i can and can't do and maybe even sometimes if i'm alone maybe i will send a text or two but once someone's in the car with me, I don't look at my phone. Because you're a fucking pussy.

Another driving am I the asshole? This is from the carpool world, which I mean, I don't even know if that exists anymore, but am I the asshole for missing my carpool ride by 36 seconds?

Oh wait, by the the way what are you going to defend the guy who's late all the time yeah i'm gonna do it right now go ahead go ahead i have a friend late and it's pretty hard i have a friend who i work with who has severe ocd he is very controlling about time one day my car broke down so i told him i uh told him and asked if he could give me a ride the next day to work again this, this is ultimately going to be like, get a fucking Uber, weirdo. But it's far, so I'd rather pay him in gas than Uber. He said, sure. Meet me outside at 7.36 a.m. I said, cool.

Next day I go outside at 7.36 a.m. and he's nowhere to be found. I call him and ask where he is. He says he left 36 seconds ago. He was angry that I wasn't on time and was 36 seconds late. I said, come on, man. It's just 36 seconds. But he said it's about the principle of the matter and that he wants to teach me how to be more responsible. He eventually turned back and picked me up, but scolded me for wasting more time and charged me more since he had to drive more.

Technically, I was late by 36 seconds, and I do know he's a very time-oriented person, which is why I think I'm the asshole. This is the first time I've ever heard someone. it's like, why are you even doing this? You just – yeah, okay, then you're the asshole. But, I mean, how are you going to defend the late guy? The late guy is just – look, if we're talking about fucking business stuff, I don't think I've ever been late for an interview or late for a time we decide we're gonna be recording a podcast but the if we're just talking like like when i'm coming to the bar like i don't know i'm gonna be there when i fucking get there like i like you want to be there at 8 i might be there at 8 15 i might be there at 8 20 it's not like uh well that but that

is different than like uh if if it was like i think if you're under you can't sit down until you're there you'll just be like I'm coming at 8.15 I'm coming at 8.30 I mean I don't even know if that exists anymore but like really I feel like that's all I think that's getting

more and more popular everywhere I go now is like we can't sit you until your whole party's here if I mean I haven't gone anywhere recently but prior to all this I feel like anytime

I went somewhere I could never sit until everyone was there which I don't understand what's the matter there I'm gonna spend more money just sit me down we're gonna drink until I get here is there guess. Which I don't understand. What's the matter there? I'm going to spend more money. Just sit me down.

We're going to drink until we get here. Is there something that I'm not thinking of where it's like there's a real reason for that? I don't. Because I've never figured that one out. I don't get it either. That one feels totally, completely made up and stupid. But I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I don't think if you're under five minutes late, you're late. No. But that's not late. Like, that's like I'd show up to work, like, back when I did fucking, you know, like, clocking jobs and all that shit.

And they'd be like, you've been four minutes late every day. I'm like, I haven't been late. Yeah, that's not. And they add it up, and they're like, that comes like a whole day of work. It's like, well, no, it doesn't. No, it fucking doesn't. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. Like, it's like, oh, you're two minutes late on Tuesdayuesday you're three minutes late like i've been on time you've been

an hour late over the last like a month that's not that much right but i i think that's i'm not defending grotesque lateness when you have the reputation as the late guy and people are just like yeah we just like we know like if we if we're gonna be somewhere like he'll be there an hour later and that person's just like yeah man that's what that's what I do. I'm a late guy. I'm like, just stop doing that. I don't have. Just get there when you're supposed to get there. If we're allowing the five-minute window, I'm like the anti-Tom Coughlin.

Where it's like, if you're five minutes early, you're late. If you're five minutes late, you're early. If you're five minutes late, you're early. Or you're on time. Yeah. But I don't think I'm the late guy in my friend group. But I don't think we have one either. So is that one of those things where it's like yeah you're the asshole in the room

it's just like if you you're just okay with being the guy who like your friends are openly like you inconvenience us all the time but how are you how are you inconveniencing your friends I mean I guess if it's reservation things or like you want to leave

and get there at a certain time and you're not ready and I have to wait for you or shit like that. Yeah, but – Or like, yeah, I'm picking you up and I don't know, like I have to wait outside for fucking 15 minutes or – That's another thing that just doesn't exist anymore. Yeah. We're like, you're picking me up. Don't pick me up. I'll meet you there.

And if people are like mad at me, like why are you always late? Why are you like – again, within reason. I'm not talking to you come two hours late, but within reason reason like but why you need me to have fun just fucking do your thing i'll get here when i get here yeah we we have a friend who like doesn't come like he just he says he'll come he flakes he just never shows yeah that can be frustrating yeah but like i don't know like i it because i whenever someone's late i'm, I don't know. They'll just get – like who cares? Like why are we going to sit here and bitch about their time management? If it's just like I want your presence, then who cares? But if it is in any way like you're stopping us from getting there or ordering or doing it or whatever it is that we're supposed to be doing and that you just do that all the time to the point that it's known. I just can't imagine ever being okay with that.

Yeah, I just don't think that's a thing in society anymore. What do you mean, though? Where are we going? If it's a restaurant and we can't sit down ever because you don't get here on time. I think that doesn't happen. Maybe I'm just – that doesn't happen regularly to me. I guess I don't – I usually just eat in bars and stuff like that. But there's – I can't tell you the last time I was not allowed to sit at the table because someone wasn't there

maybe maybe two years anytime i've gone to a restaurant prior to all this if there was a reservation i mean i've almost always encountered we can't sit you until your whole party's here i've definitely heard it consistently and that person that person would just be like oh sorry i'm not going to dinner with you anymore yeah that, that person would just be like, oh, sorry. I've definitely heard it. I'm not going to dinner with you anymore. Yeah, that's fine. But I'd be like, alright, I'll go eat at the bar. Rather than just get there? Huh? Rather than just get there

on time? I mean, it's just, I can't level with this conversation. If that were to be a thing, you would rather just... If it was a universal thing everywhere that if you're not sitting there, if everyone's not there, I'd be on time. But if I'm just going to dinner with my friends, I might be ten minutes late. Fucking deal with it.

I'm having dinner with my friends. What the fuck is so important about this? One last. I think we have one more? Or no? You can do USA. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Last one here.

Am I the asshole? Team USA. Champions of the world yeah, yeah. Last one here, am I the asshole? Team USA. Champions of the World Juniors, gold medal, beat Canada. Four times in a row. That's tough for Canada. Four gold medal games in a row. Or the four gold

medal games we played them. That's a bad look for the guys who were supposed to be kings of the world. But afterwards, after the win, they're taking a team picture. They did, to be fair. They didn't have their captain the whole tournament, but still. It wasn't the whole tournament. It wasn't just one game.

They put up 15 goals on Germany and everyone was talking about them being a wagon. They were still the team. They have, I think, like 19 or like... 19 draft picks. First round picks or something. Yeah, draft picks. Crazy shit. I think like 19 or like 19 draft first round picks or something. Yeah. But like, you know,

crazy shit. So like they can't then go play like that. Like, well, we, we had injuries or whatever, but team USA takes the picture afterwards and they slide a garbage can with the Canadian flag,

like plastered on it into the picture. And there's a big, you know, hubble here. There the picture. And there's a big hubble here. There's a big hoopla over sportsmanship and classy and all that shit. It turns out that Team USA's

mantra for this tournament was one more barrel because of a really weird story involving the Sahara Desert and shit. Did you actually read the whole thing? I did not read it. Let me pull it up real quick because when I first saw it, so the excuse from Team USA was, like, we were not making fun of Canada for being trash. We actually have this mantra about getting over the, like, getting through adversity and getting over the hurdles and getting over one more barrel. And that was the story they told. And I was like, that's not a thing. like getting through adversity and getting over the hurdles and getting over one more barrel.

And that was the story they told. And I was like, that's not a thing. That's a totally made up story. Those guys were just clowning these guys for being trash. And it turns out a lot of beat reporters were like once they stopped the press conferences and they came up back on Twitter and saw the hullabaloo, they were like, oh, yeah, they've been talking about it in every press conference. And they came up back on Twitter and saw the hullabaloo. They were like, oh, we've heard this all the time. They've been talking about it in every press conference. This was the thing.

It was called Eat That Frog about focus. I don't know who wrote this, but it's a tournament update. Many years ago, I crossed the heart of the Sahara Desert deep in modern-day Algeria. By that time, the desert was abandoned by the French for years. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So it was talking like this. It's this long, like like multi-paragraph story 500 miles across more than 1300 people had died crossing it to counter the lack of features in

the terrain the french had marked the track with block with black 55 barrel uh with black 55 gallon oil drums all five miles apart um and because of this when we were walking in the daytime we could see oil barrels and we would always say just one barrel at a time let's we're gonna cross this desert and go one barrel at a time i mean that's a weird fucking story it's a pretty good story i get that it's like just get the next one right it's like but like the like it's an extravagant way to say you know belichick like we don't have eight more games we got one game eight times right right to to so i guess the coach was like you know one time i was walking across the desert and we're going to apply that to the hockey world here uh uh you know it makes sense but like one barrel at a time is not a

phrase until this very specific story so when they they were just like, yeah, you know, our mantra is one barrel at a time. It's like, what? But it turns out it is, but it kind of ruins it because it's like, all right, well, now there's no fun here. Well, I think they are the assholes. They are the assholes for not just ditching that story. And just saying, yeah, you're a fucking garbage. It's like anything in fucking white-based sports

where it's like, just make fun of them. Like, clown them. You won. Snatch your train, like, just make fun of him. Clown him. You won. Snatch your train like Aqib Tlaib. God, I can't get that out. Aqib Tlaib. Did Aqib get his chain snatched? He's a snatcher.

He's a snatcher. That's what I thought. Michael Crabtree got snatched left and right like three times. Yeah, like rub it in. And also, the reason you don't in pro sports that often is because you're like, well, now we gave him material. Now we're going to see him again. Guess what, motherfuckers?

It's over. You're probably not going to play on the World Junior Team next year. Right. That's the next guy's problem. You guys deal with it in four years or however often the juniors are. I wish they said, oh, no, no, no. That's a mantra from our coach because of the story one barrel at a time. Also, Canada's trash.

Yeah. Like, fuck you guys. Like, I won't make it up. I won't lie to you. It is our thing. But we fucking beat you guys because you're garbage. And there were, like, Zagoras, I don't know how you pronounce his name, who is.

He's, like, the stud, right? Yeah, yeah. He scored every game or had a point in every game of the tournament. And he, like, his post-game press conferences yesterday or last night were like, you just look at him and you're like, that's Jason Street. He's that dude. He has the confidence. He's like, yeah, we just knew we'd get it down deep, beat them with their own game,

shove it down their throats, they can't handle us. Yeah, that's the guy who probably is their fucking trash. We watched the games. We saw they hadn't dealt with a ground attack like us yet. And we were going to pound them. We were going to pound them. We were going to pound them. And we knew they couldn't keep up.

And like, it was just like, and like, what are you saying? He's like kind of smiling. Yeah. It's like, all right, you're a bad man. I'm a fucking bad man. You should have added, and you're pieces of garbage. Right. We threw you in the fucking trash where you belong.

You're a dumpster team. It would just make things more fun. It is not even a white thing. It is a North American thing. I think, because the Europeans who come over fucking love that shit. Patrick Laine, he's kind of had a bit of a downfall, so he shut his mouth a bit.

But when Patrick Laine first got in the league, he was like, yeah, I'll fucking kill Austin Matthews. I'm awesome. I'm great. That dude, the shovel guy, the ice shovel man, who was like, did you see that clip? He's the fastest man alive. I don't see the clip. This dude, I think during like a Ranger game, he was the guy like, you know, shoveling like the ice in between whatever.

He is, it's the, I've never seen a you gotta see this I was like this clip has to be sped up this guy has gotta be the fastest man to like ever touch the ice and hang on hang on boy Avery tweets a lot more than I thought okay it's really not worth all this

this is gonna be do you know what I'm talking about Nick? nah I can find it though Okay, it's really not worth all this. This is going to be... Do you know what I'm talking about, Nick? No, I can find it, though. Okay, I mean, this is totally ruined now. There's just a guy who's fast. All right, let's just go to voicemails. There it is.

Yeah, it's really not that good. I get that, too, though, because, like, every time you're ever on the ice, particularly in, like, a setting such as this. We played in between periods one time when I was, like, nine. Yeah. And I was sure there were scouts in the stands. Right. And you're putting your all into it. No matter what.

You can even be like coaching or refereeing a kids league game. And you're like, I'm going to fucking prove it just in case there's someone watching. Did you see the kid who broke the backboard in Texas? And the ref fucking high fives him and holds his head. That kid, if he doesn't retire from basketball on the spot, like, that's it. Goka stands on that. You're not going to go pro.

You're not going to be anything. That's your highest moment maybe of life. That kid probably should just kill himself. Just go out on fucking top. Voicemails today are brought to you by The Stag. I feel like you got to ease into your wine stage of life. In the beginning, you're just drinking beer and whatever you can get your hands on,

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being uh being a patron saint of wine being a patron saint of of alcohol of drinking might be a good one yeah because. There definitely is one. I don't know who it is, but there's definitely a god of wine or a patron of wine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. The hunt is an interesting term here. Stag, they talk about the adventure of life and being on the hunt for excitement in life. Stag do. Right, right, right.

I think of this more as kind of what I just said. Like, I'm on the hunt for my drink, for my, like, that glass of wine, whether it's a full-bodied red or a smooth, buttery, crisp Chardonnay. Like, I'm hunting for my... A white? Did I ever tell you the story of my buddy

who went on a date and asked, is your Merlot red here? Trying to impress a girl. is your merlot red here trying to impress a girl is your merlot red and he was like yes sir it is again like am i the asshole right he could have been an asshole he was just like yes sir it is would you like some for you and your lady friend uh but yeah once you you know you're on the hunt for your drink for the bottle that you love and once you find it you'll, you're on the hunt for your drink for the bottle that you love. And once you find it, you'll be,

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Check out all of your local liquor stores and your local wine aisles to try it today. Voicemails, what do we got, Nicky? I've got a quick question for you guys that I'm not really sure came to mind. But if you could add any one cartoon sound effect to your life, like, for example, when something hits you in the head, it makes the

sound, or like when you stop running, like it sounds like you're skidding tires with your feet, like that kind of stuff from your childhood shows, but if you could add one cartoon sound effect to your life for the rest of your life, what one would you add? Diva.

That's a good one. It's a great one. I think every time I got a boner, I went. That, that would be a good one. I got a boner, you know, like announce it to the world. There would also be just those nights though where you're like looking to make love or looking to fuck and it's like, never mind. He's going to put me inside you and laugh.

That's a fucking good one. I'd like a thwack. I'd like my hands to have a thwack. I'm going to just play some of the best sound effects here. Or a chawack. I like my hands to have a thwack. I'm going to just play some of the best sound effects here. Or a cha-pow. A thwack and a cha-pow, huh? Like if I just hit things.

It was like... Got that one. I noticed these shows are all quite heavy on things that work for erection. I'm like, that could work for a boner. That'd be a great boner. You know what I would want? Forget about getting the boner. I would want a sound effect when I cum.

Like a laser gun going off? Sure. Like a pew, pew, pew, pew. Yeah. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. My first thought was Woody the Woodpecker's hood. I could see like a pew, pew, pew, or like a, well, a lot of those like squelching noises. Yeah. that was all

just farts and boners yeah everyone who works in kids stuff is just a pervert they're all perverts we'll secretly give them a boner

we'll like hide the sex talk in there anyone who dedicates their life to children is not a hero they're a fucking pervert

they really are if you're a guy and you work with kids you're a pervert it's so fucked up because there's some people who are. If you're a guy and you work with kids, you're a pervert. It's so fucked up because there's some people who are just genuinely their life calling and all they want to do is help children. You know what's inside them, their life calling?

They're a little bit of a perv. Because if it was my life calling, I would also be like, but everyone's going to think I'm a pervert, so I'm going to find a new life calling. If you can accept the social stigma that comes along with being an adult man that works with children, you're still a little bit'm a pervert, so I'm going to find a new life calling. If you can accept the social stigma that comes along with being an adult man that works with children, you're still a little bit of a pervert.

Yeah, there's a screw loose. There's definitely a screw loose. But it's also like it's not an unwarranted stigma to have on you. You guys have earned it. Yeah, every Boy Scout leader, every fucking priest, every buddy who's ever been around kids.

The cartoonists are tier one, if you ask me. Like, everything. Why are you making it so sexual, bro? Yeah. Why are you making those Pixar asses so fat? This is incredible. We're just fucking making it normal. Fatty, dude.

Yeah, I mean, this is incredible. They're like, let's make a tiny, tiny waist and a fucking donk on it. All right, Pervert. I mean, in The Little Mermaid, when they put the boner on the priest, it's just like, that's fucking weird, man. Yeah. It's like, we're going to hide it in there. It's going to be a funny thing. It's like, that's not funny. Subliminally tell kids.

And you wonder why fucking our generation is fucked up now. Subliminally, starting at a young age, we just talked about erections and fucking sex and fucking Simba fucking fucking whatever. This fucking loser on Twitter was talking about how he found out his nieces and nephews don't believe in Helen Keller. And I think we finally reached like a tipping point, if you will, where like it's generally accepted by the youth that Helen Keller is not real. It makes sense. It does make sense. It's, it's, it's,

it's gone from like a conspiracy theory or like a wacky, funny thing. So I was like, no, I just genuinely don't believe this woman ever wrote a book and did all this stuff. And now the youth have finally done it. They've,

they've just like switched over. And this guy, uh, Daniel conker on Twitter guys, the most insane thing happened to me today. I'm on a text chain with my teenage nieces and nephews along with my with my mom their grandma and today my mom asked them if they knew who helen keller was and why you want to fucking text me with your nieces and nephews pervert right you fucking weirdo and their response was that helen keller was a fraud who doesn't

exist at first i thought they were trolling which is fun but after a while it was clear they weren't joking it's like yeah man i said helen keller and i've been beating this drum for a while, it was clear they weren't joking. It's like, yeah, man, I said, Helen Keller, and I've been beating this drum for a while, but I have finally I got to catch all. I've wrapped it all up. Helen Keller is the reverse Santa Claus. It's a story, a tale that is told that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy that the kids believe and the adults know are not real flip it the kids are like you dumb motherfuckers this is fake and the adults are like no you gotta believe like you nope nope you if you believe that this woman could accomplish all this you just you're probably a pervert um you know what noise i, but I don't know when I would use it in my life, is when Wile E. Coyote falls off a cliff and it's like...

Yeah. Pow. So if I ever jump off of something, I would like that noise. What about just one, just like it does every time you sit down, like you fall onto a couch? What noise? Oh, like every time I fall? Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Okay. I can do that. And then I would make sure that I always fall onto the couch. I would never just sit down normally. I'd be like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what that. And then I would make sure that I always fall onto the couch. I would never just sit down normally. I'd be like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I wish was real, by the way? When you got hit on the head,

if you got that boner bump that popped out of your... I mean, it is if you get hit hard enough. If you get hit hard, yeah. And I don't want that to happen to me. I want that to happen to you. Then I would go around bonking people with fucking hammers just to see that happen. Next up.

Hey, guys. can people with fucking hammers just to see that happen next up hey guys two quick questions for one where is bc what the hell happened to him has he ever come back just to pipe up and get red in the face and talking about stuff uh and two i've been trying to have this debate with a couple people. How do you define sports? And where do you draw the line? Is it golf? Is it bowling? Is it darts? What separates a sport from a game that you're just competitive at? And once you figure out what the line is,

would you rather be really good at the last thing before the line or the first thing after the line? See you. BC has moved out to California, where his wife is from with his in-laws, so he's living out there, and we're doing One Minute Man and the Kevin Clancy Show and all that shit remote through there. I feel like – is this a question what defines a sport, and then would you rather be good at non-sports or sports?

Because that's a great – I feel like we just talked about this recently. Maybe not with you, but I've had this conversation. No, we've had it recently. Once you are an adult, it's great to be good at the activities. Fuck sports. When you're a kid, you want to be the best. You want to make the team. You want to be on varsity.

You want to be the MVP. Once you're an adult, if you're awesome at cornhole or Jenga or even beer pong. Darts. Darts. Throwing washers and all those lawn games and shit. Spike ball. Anything that might pop out. Because it's just like that.

Yeah. You have a greater chance of those things being played. No one's like, let's play. I call golf a sport. So do I. But I think that's what his point kind of is. It's like, where is the line? I think that's the question all the time.

Are golfers athletes? I think when that question first started being asked in the 80s and 90s, maybe you could have made the argument that no. Nowadays, yes. My thing has always been, if you're going to make that argument with golf, you have to really make the same argument with baseball. And most people will, there's not anybody out there who says baseball is not a sport, but golf and baseball,

the only difference is that you have to run sometimes in baseball. Sometimes that's really it. Otherwise it's all swinging. Yeah. Short, very short bursts. So that, that argument is dead,

especially the way like guys work out and train and slug the ball now. But, but there is still a difference. Like if I asked you, would you rather be good at the basketball, football-type hockey sports of the world or the baseball and golf sports of the world, which would you like? Because again, I think when you're younger, it would be the action sports. When you're older, if you can hit the links and play golf well. Mostly golf, but I guess if you play in a softball league and you're also awesome, that would be cool. But being a good golfer is valuable for the last 60 years of your life.

It's a no-brainer. The twist comes in if I can can still be me right yeah because like my personality and everything yeah was all founded in contact sports and stuff like that sure sure so i still want to be me right but i just i would be good at the other stuff instead yeah i i don't even want to do these things that we're talking about. I just want to be the guy who's like, if, you know, we're out and something pops up, like, oh, that, like, I had a friend, Frankie, in school who, like, he could just do everything. Just weird things. Like, I vividly remember this one time he had a water bottle and we were just, like, walking, like, between my house and his house or whatever. And he was like, I bet you I could throw this bottle of water into the sewer down there and the sewer was like hundreds of feet away

and he just like threw it and it just like skidded on the ground right into the sewer hole and i was just like that was so fucking cool and like one time uh my buddy had like i think a bunch of like hebbles or like rocks or something just, like, started throwing them at him, and he just, like, just, like, caught all of them, like, fucking in the Matrix. And, like, my buddy, like, had thrown all of his ammo,

and my friend Frankie just, like, had caught all of them. It was, like, like, dropped all the bullets. You know what I mean? Like, you could just do weird shit, and none of it was, like, and he was also a good athlete.

So he was throwing acorns? It was, like, pebbles or rocks or... That's impressive as hell. We were, like, fucking around, like, outside. It was back throwing acorns? It was like pebbles or rocks. That's impressive as hell. We were fucking around outside. It was back in the day where you still played outside. We were young enough for that kind of shit. And he was good at baseball and regular sports and shit. But he could just do things.

And that I thought was way more valuable. That it was just like, if there's any activity to ever be done, Frankie can do it. And that I remember more than the stars of the teams in high school. You know what I mean? That kid could just do cool shit. And I bet he still is. He's playing with his kids now, just doing things that are like, that's fucking cool. You know the big one I'd like to have here as an older person?

Skateboard. If you are remotely not in shape or older and you can just rip a kickflip, everyone's like yo! Okay, how about this? Would you rather be a good like a great skateboarder or a good dancer?

You know like right now, if Feidelberg had a if there was a TikTok that was like at Feidelberg and you could just like do all the moves and you could do like the popping and locking and shit or you could be a good skateboarder which one would you pick i think i'd take a skateboarder really i i hadn't even considered the tiktok uh angle i don't think anyone's as interested watching me dance but i'm but they would if you were good that's what i mean like those guys who are good dancers you would actually it would probably be you'd be like viral because it'd be

like you don't look like you're gonna to be the good dancer that you are. And it's, like – like, there's a couple guys that I follow who are, like, dads who dance or moms of TikTok who, like, they're, like, moms. But they clearly used to be able to, like, throw it back and get dance and shit. And it's always, like, oh, whoa. So that's actually, like, more valuable that you don't look the part. See, I think I'm the – I think, again, not counting TikTok. I'm counting, like, bars and weddings and stuff like that. I'm the perfect dancer.

Oh, are you? Yeah, because I can dance a little bit. I have like a little bit of rhythm. It's the hitch. You kind of just stay in your zane. That's where you want to be. You don't want to be the guy who looks like he fucking practices in a mirrored room. Right.

You don't want to be awful. If you're at like a wedding and you're doing moves, like that's weird. But if you know them, you can't not do them right like like but you know costa goes to a wedding guess what camille's never not dancing she's fucking burning the house down yeah but you know what i actually was recently when you're a girl like camille and you know like traditional dance but you also know how to dial it back and just like move yeah because again it looks weird if camille's doing like you know steps and choreograph shit it's like stop but she also just knows how to kind of like shake her ass and roll her body and like do normal dancing i i think uh i think if you have

dance moves you have to have like at least like 15 of them because if you know like two of them and you just keep doing them because you can't like you said you can't not if because if you know like two of them and you just keep doing them because you can't like you said you can't not if you if you know how to do like a dance move you're gonna do it yeah but if you only have like one or two it's like oh there goes john who does this like weird dance this one thing over and over and over again at weddings he lifts his leg up and plays yes exactly so you better have a lot in your bag so that you can cycle them through otherwise you're just going to be playing your guitar. That gif of you doing that for Kevin Hart is so fucking funny.

Kevin Hart's just like, get this guy out of my face. He did like it. But he liked it, you know, once. The gif is so funny. What is happening? But I would pick dancing, I think. Skateboarding is cool.

Yeah, you obviously don't know more opportunities for dancing yeah that dude uh the the uh charlotte fox charlotte anchor man his name's like nick i think he's like the he's a fox news guy i think he's i've seen him a local fox guy but he can fucking dance his dick off now he's dancing with like all the real dancers of tiktok yeah he has like 2.5 million followers. He has like big numbers. Oh, really? He's like 1.5.

But still like into the millions. And like, so he's probably like making money. He's probably getting, I bet you like when he's done with like the local Charlotte affiliate that someone, for like a local news station, it's probably like, go get that guy. He has millions of followers. Like, yeah, he's probably making so much more money because he just danced on Instagram once. Like, whatever.

I saw a tiktok a girl said male birth control does exist and then it cut to uh clips like stills of grown guys riding scooters but that dude that i follow who does the scooter tricks yeah i mean that guy fucks bitches i would love that girl scooters are just sick i mean the pictures they they picked were like particularly like dorky yeah i can i can swaggy ride a scooter yeah i can't do tricks like when i when i when i see that's pretty cool dude when i used to see uh like manhattan businessmen with like their backpacks on and like a helmet on their scooter. I was like, yeah, you ain't fucking.

But swaggy scooter, because that's also then it becomes a confidence thing where it's like this is traditionally regarded as like lame, but I don't give a fuck. So I'm just swaggy. It gets me to work a lot. And then if you are that. But wait, we're talking about you're not talking about electric scooters. I'm talking about Razor. Right. Yeah.

But then and then that dude that I follow, that's the most impressive thing I've ever seen. And that girl, who's like, I would never fuck a guy on a scooter. Watch that dude at a skate park one time do what he does, and those pants are coming off. That guy's the most impressive athlete on the fucking planet. All right, last voicemail of the day.

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I want to know what the weirdest thing you guys have masturbated to while watching. Like, what have you watched while masturbating? Like, they're separate. You're not masturbating because it's something you are watching. Like, you're not watching porn. For example, the weirdest thing i have masturbated while watching uh is a pompey documentary um i see again as you know there's a huge fucking difference um and i want to know what the weirdest thing you guys have watched just while masturbating

all right yeah i i don't know if i have an answer but I do understand what she's saying so like she's watching TV and decided to masturbate and that just happens to be on I mean I'm sure I just don't remember them but that's happened to me many times it happens so often that I don't remember I've masturbated

to Breaking Bad I've masturbated to whatever's on I've masturbated to Criminal Minds a lot of times. Bro, you have done everything to Criminal Minds. I've masturbated to Criminal Minds three times on the couch the other night. Like, Sunday night. Like, it was wild. I was just alone on the couch with fucking serial killers and just fucking pounding off in the heat of the night.

It is. I mean, it's just like all this question is just like, what are you regularly watching on TV right now? Well, yes, yes. It's like at that point I've done all sorts of know i've done all sorts of things like i've i've i've masturbated to this on the television i've masturbated wearing these clothes i've masturbated like with with these people in my house like you know what i mean like i've done it all al michaels masturbated to your voice before yeah it just happened like i wasn't it wasn't your voice that was turning me on, but I could hear it. I would love to think about, like, someone, like, I would love to, like, the other day.

In fact, I was talking to Al. Will you shut up one second? Don't ruin the moment. Don't ruin this money shot. Oh, man. Quiet down, Al. Imagine, you know. Let Chris go.

You're not thinking about it, but, yeah, like, Collinsworth's on there going, like, oh, Al. Imagine, you know. Let Chris go. You're not thinking about it, but yeah, like Collinsworth's on there going like, oh, yeah. Like the other day when those guys jumped off sides and he was like, oh, yeah. By the way, I tweeted about this when that happened, and I hate when that happens. When they go off sides and it's not on time. Yeah, yeah. I had a room full of people, but I had friends over. And I was like, oh, he's off, off. And then they come in, neutral zone infraction.

I'm like, shut the fuck up. You're making me sound dumb. I knew what it was, but it's easy to yell off. Right. But if you're watching Mike Breen and you're jerking off and there's a bang or any of the catchphrases, if you got Gus Johnson on gus johnson on the fucking an old school gus johnson call while you're cracking it i mean that that actually might be one where i was master from the parking lot oh yeah donna osilla jerry remy yeah sure jack edward danny brickley yeah i mean keith hernandez sure keith i've i have 100 jerked off to a metz

broadcast oh i mean like gary keith and ron i have come to those guys probably more as as often Keith, I have 100% jerked off to a Mets broadcast. Oh, I mean. Like, Gary, Keith, and Ron, I have come to those guys probably as often as porn. It is. Because, I mean, baseball's on every single night for like eight months, for hours, the entire masturbation period of the night, baseball's on. So, yeah, baseball, for sure. Gary Cullen, I've come to you, boys. Yeah, that's why it works in reverse for me. I can't think about

baseball when I'm trying not to come because I'm always thinking about coming. Time to come. Especially when you're jerking off and you're trying to get to the point. It actually speeds things up. Goodness gracious. Yeah, I mean, this is so broad for us. It is a good question.

I didn't get what she was saying until the end when she was like, for instance, I've masturbated while watching a documentary Pompeii. Now I get it. But I, we've done it so much that we can't specify. So I would love to hear other people's that they, they have the one thing that jumped out.

Like was, I would say remember that time we were during, no, I think she probably said it right. It just, it needs some clarification. Yeah. What she gave.

So get asked with your answers. Head over to the YouTube page uh ksc radio we have all these clips uh and highlights uh of the episodes so you can check it out and leave a comment below after you subscribe and hit the bell button uh leave a comment what's the weirdest thing that's been on the tv while you happen to masturbate that you know it especially once you like after you come and you're like oh man neil degrasse tyson's talking you know like and all of a sudden you shared an intimate moment with that guy so let us know weirdest thing you've ever masturbated during and uh subscribe to all our channels on youtube and like rate review all that shit uh go give us a review and subscribe to the new Friday Night Pints podcast feed.

So make sure you hit us with all the reviews, all the subscriptions, all the ratings, and shout out to Fights, who's throwing another $1,000 plus towards the Barstool Fund. There was 200 plus reviews and ratings that were left on the Friday Night Pints channel, and Fights said he was going to do $5 per rating. So more money to the Barstool Fund. If you want to contribute, go to BarstoolFund.com. And I'll see you guys next week. Bye.

I've got some issues that nobody can see And all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the life of you it's only like this is the soundtrack to my life the soundtrack to my life

to my life to my life to my life to my life to my life to my life to my life to my life to my life Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.