KFC Radio - Dan Soder, Middle School, and The Civil War

Episode Date: March 21, 2019

Shane Dawson is still canceled but hat-tip for the "getting engaged to distract from having sex with a cat" move. New segment "The Office" where we get random topics, this week from Glenny Balls, YP, and Office Manager Brett. Dan Soder (49:28) returns to talk about hating himself, how comedy is like learning to dunk, why people with traumatic childhoods give the best head, how he hates his own jokes, Louis CK, Bill Cosby, and why Russians are the scariest white people. Voicemails include: knife, fork or spoon, just do anal, liking every postYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Thursday's episode of KFC Radio brought to you by SeatGeek. Major League Baseball is upon us. That stupid game out in Japan technically started the season. Major League Baseball can't get out of their own fucking way. I mean, this is one of those things where it's so stupid, but is it just stupid in America? Is it crushing over in Japan?

Yeah. If it's working, it's working, I guess. But it's like, I mean, like the NBA grew the game very fast by going overseas. I just don't like they find like somebody's opening series should be in Japan. Maybe give a little bit of a couple of days cushion to get back. But the fact that they come back and play more spring training games is idiotic. That's insane. That's what makes this feel totally fake.

If it was just opening series for somebody who's in Japan, do it with the Mariners, do it with Ichiro, fine, great. But they make it very stupid. I mean, the fact that Carabas got up for this is one of the craziest things. Oh, that's insane. I happen to be up anyway for the kids. I told him if it was somehow happened to be the first American League versus American League World Series game, I would not get up at 5 a.m. to watch it. This is not happening.

I don't watch the World Series. I don't think I get up at anything for 5 a.m. other than my goddamn kids. We were on our way back from the Islanders last night when we saw the tweet. And Frankie was like, if the Yankees played 10 5 a.m. games in a row, I'd miss all 10 of them. Yeah, but if the fucking Islanders played at 5 a.m., Frank, you would be setting that alarm. Yeah, but that's fine. Those are his teams. Right, right, right, right.

Who gives a shit about Mariners and A's fans aren't getting up for this game? It was Karabas doing getting up for it. Anyway, if you want to get tickets to normal, real baseball games, go to SeatGeek. Or Islanders games to see the Bruins war in their own barn. Oh buddy. I bailed on that game because I knew where that was going.

It was. We had a discussion. Me and Frankie were like this is where Boston like it just things will break their way and like you're riding high and then

you bring Dave and then you bring the rest of the Boston guys and they will shit down your throat. It was it was the Bruins most thorough beat down all season.

It was literally physically too. I mean Jara beating on Matt Martin was a tough look for our boy. That was actually really funny because we saw Sydney was sitting like a row over. I'm sorry, a section over. And I could see her shaking her head. Like, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. So I texted her.

I was like, what is he, fucking nuts? I mean, all respect to the world, you have to have major balls to go fight a fucking six-foot-nine boxer on skates. But it's not a good idea sydney's response was so funny she was he fought him in toronto too i told him if he did it again if char didn't kill him i would that's very funny it's like bro you got a wedding coming up bro your face is gonna be mashed potatoes if you keep this up that was can you imagine like that first of all that was very gracious of char to accept that that fight. They know Chara doesn't really fight anymore. I think that's a mutual...

I think he knows that aside from Chara, the next guy you don't really want to fuck with in the league, Matt's up there. He's up there, but it's also... Chara just doesn't really fight. And there was nothing for Chara to gain from that fight. Even if Chara wins the fight, there's nothing for Chara to gain from that fight. Even Chara wins the fight. There's nothing for him to gain. Yeah. But that's what I think he was like, this guy is like a bruiser.

He fights like, respect the game. It's gracious. It was gracious to say, okay, we will fight. Yeah. But because like, even Martin going down on one knee and getting back up had the crowd going. Yeah. Chara was out of it. There was no reason for Chara to fight to let the crowd back in.

He did because he's a swell competitor. And then Matt Mara's going to be sitting in the box after just fighting Zidane Machara. They gave up a goal in two minutes. Are you fucking kidding me? All for nothing. I tried. I tried. Well, you want to go watch Matty fight.

You want to go see your team play. You want to go listen to your favorite band, favorite comic, favorite musical, favorite play, whatever it is. Live entertainment. SeatGeek's got you covered. All the tickets are guaranteed real, no fraudulent tickets. And you're going to get the best price possible because it's full transparency on every single ticket available on the secondary market. You can get $10 off your first purchase. When you download the app, go to settings, click add a promo code, and enter KFC today.

That's SeatGeek. Promo code KFC. $10 off your first purchase. It's the greatest show. We'reGeek. Promo code KFC. $10 off your first purchase. This is one of the greatest shows. Dan Soder's on it. Yeah. So automatically one of the best.

We got to stop having people who are funnier than us on our show. I know. I'm getting a little sick of those tweets, man. It very much bothers me. I don't think it bothers me. It bothers you a lot. Well, I'm just getting a little sick of these tweets, you know? They're very funny guys, man. This stuff has got to be on the show.

I like talking to funny people. Soder should be the host. Fuck you guys. I like talking to funny people. I hope we keep having them. Yeah, they're awesome. Soder should be the host. Fuck you guys. I like talking to funny people. I hope we keep having them. Yeah, they're awesome. Soder is on today for about 45 fucking minutes. How about this shit?

He did the pizza review with Dave. I heard about it. He talked about it on the radio yesterday. Yeah, he said, you know, don't drink till you shit. There's blood in your shit or something like that. Yeah. Like, don't drink so much that you shit blood. Right.

And Showtime got mad about it. And we just said, fuck you. Yeah. I didn't know we could do that because to be honest I would have done it last episode you know what I mean I think you can do whatever you want

it's just they're probably not going to want to work with you anymore right that's what I mean though I didn't know we could make that call I mean no I actually I knew we could make that call I think Dave's always been very clear that no one will ever dictate content. Well, what's also funny is when it's their guy. That's why, again, same sort of situation.

I've been like, well, Disney, I don't know, your boys. Don't do a movie with a guy who also plays Frank Reynolds. I don't know what to tell you. So, yeah, Soda's on today. A nice 45-minute chunk. I don't remember what we talked about but we were rolling as usual DeStefano's answer to the internet is out

just racking up you crushing already love it I'm addicted we are full-blown YouTube addicts right now and that's good because as far as I'm concerned there's a huge opening in the market now because Shane Dawson's a fucking cat fucker here's a huge opening in the market now because Shane Dawson's a fucking cat fucker.

I don't know, man. He's back. I think I might be on the Shane Dawson side. Can we uncancel? Can you uncancel that quickly? Yo, that was – so if you don't know, Shane Dawson is this guy. We canceled. He fucked his cat.

He's a pedophile. He's a racist. The whole nine. He pulled an all-time move. he fucked his cat he's a pedophile he's a racist the whole nine he pulled an all time move the most shrewd publicist PR move I've ever

seen in my life I mean Chris Jenner's being like this guy's gotta fucking stop being gay and marry one of my kids yeah he's gotta get in the family he's a genius he proposed to his boyfriend a mere two three days after his cat fucking controversy. Dude, not a mere two, three days. I think it was like.

Two, three tweets. That's what I meant. Yeah, two, three tweets. John called and he said, you have three tweets in between you saying I didn't fuck a cat, I didn't cum on a cat, and this is the happiest day of my life. With you not down on one knee, down on two knees to propose, which has to be the gayest thing I've ever seen. Honestly, you know how you have to plan a proposal? And some people go to great lengths to plan it between buying the ring itself and thinking of what you're going to say and decide where it's going to happen.

There's so much that goes into an engagement. One of those things has to be off your timeline has to be all the things about you coming on a cat. Your super public apology about coming on a cat has to be you got to start sending throwaway tweets. You're planning everything. You're planning the dinner. You're planning to bring the location.

You got to be planning like I got to send some stupid tweets today just to bury that off the top very that thing yeah i mean come on what are we doing well i mean here's the thing shout out to shane dawson for for for this move because once you can't be i mean if you make fun of this you're now a gay badger this is down no this is now i'm gonna make fun of it no i'm i'm gonna make fun of it. No, I'm. I'm going to make fun of it. But I'm saying, like, there are going to be people out there who are just like, this is going to be a beautiful same sex marriage. This is so great. There's going to be a lot of people who are very pro this that are now going to be on

his side. And you have to be willing. And the whole time. The husband's going to be thinking. Covered in cum. Did he fuck this thing? Well, OK. But here's.

So here's the thing. You know, like, we had the call last episode about the bridesmaid yes and it like you know don't put that in his head don't ruin it

well did you see the picture that people were retweeting where he saw like Garfield he went to some museum and there was like

a statue of Garfield and he was like he tweeted out it was like you know a year ago and he was like I met Garfield and everybody was retweeting

and they were like oh no oh no I props to Shane Dawson for this move but props to his boyfriend that's one ride or die dude because i mean shane dawson called him up was like we're getting fucking engaged like yeah remember how like we wanted to do it like on the almofi coast during sunset for our anniversary well we're doing it today because i got to get the cat

fucking scandal off my back okay all right so say yes like i sent my publicist to get the cat fucking scandal off my back. Okay. All right. So say yes. Like I sent my publicist to get the ring. I don't know what it looks like. You're going to say yes. You're going to like it. We're gonna be married and that's fucking it because otherwise I'm the cat fucker.

You know what? Now that you say it, I want to double check something here. This, this could be something, uh, very new to me. I'm just realizing.

What's that? Oh, nevermind. The ring was on display. I'm just realizing. What's that? Oh, nevermind. The ring was on display. I thought maybe. What, what is it? Just a band.

Yeah. Is that how it works? Guys just get each other bands. I mean, it looks like a pretty diamondy band though. Yeah. It's like a pretty band. Yeah.

I mean, my man dropped down to two knees. That is a wild move. Like every, I mean, it's literally like the phrase is like, I got down on one knee. Like,

why'd you get down on both drop the proposal and now the story is just no longer cat fucking pedophilia I say this story I think I think what you know you know what I'll tell you for us yes the story is the story like he's not cancelled he's he might be cancel

proof like all of his fans still love him and everybody's reaction to last night yeah oh the Dawson the Dawsonites were in my mentions after that video i made and they are all i mean no like the internet was different no those were jokes no here you apologize no it's a different time like that never was funny if i didn't do it i wouldn't apologize what if i didn't fuck a cat i wouldn't apologize oh right right. Why are you wishing a public apology if you didn't fuck a cat? Right. Riddle me that.

The amount of other YouTubers and blue checks and everybody, just an outpouring of love on those tweets. Oh, my God, my heart is so full. Shane Dawson, look, maybe you're uncanceled. I don't know. This is a pretty gray area. We're new to the cancel life. This is kind of like we're still Formula 13 colonies, and we're like, yo, they can't be shooting each other. We've got to make a lot of money. You're in, you're out. I don't know. This is a pretty gray area. We're new to the cancel life. This is kind of like we're still forming the 13 colonies

and we're like, yo, yeah, they can't be shooting each other. We got to make a lot of money. We're figuring stuff out still. What we need is a little more cancel clout. Like if we say someone's canceled, we need to have enough clout that actually makes them canceled. Oh, I don't know. I don't think so.

I am not going to hold my breath for that. I'm gonna Stay canceled With kinda goofy things I mean Shane Dawson Deserved a cancel I want I mean I

I have never The only Full 100% judgment I've cast on Shane Dawson Is that he ain't funny Correct That's why he's truly canceled

You need to stop Trying to be funny Cause you're not Yeah If you wanna just be The dude Maybe you're a cat fucker If you want to just be the weird dude who gets down on both knees and you're engaged,

that's fine. Honestly, this man, he fucked a cat and he talks about six-year-olds being sexy and the weirdest thing he ever did was get down on two knees.

Oh, yeah. I forgot about it. I forgot about it. See, the cat thing's a joke. The pedophilia thing is like... Yeah, I'm going to keep a cancel on him. I'm going to keep

canceling hard. I'm like, between that and the racism, right, he drops a lot of hard head bombs and stuff like that. Yeah, I'm going to keep a cancel on him. I'm going to keep canceling hard. I'm going to keep between that and the racism, right? He drops a lot of hard head bombs and stuff like that. Yeah, I mean, see, the thing is like those. I forgot about the cat, that stuff. The cat, I mean, tell you what, if you are a racist, maybe fuck a cat because that takes precedence here. No one's going to be talking about the racism.

Everyone forgot about the racist stuff. This guy knows how. He's in a dangerous way right now because he's just he just piles controversy on top of controversy to to get rid of the old controversy but eventually that's a house of cards it's got to come down now you got a husband that's that was really his publicist was like all right usually what we do is we just do the next heinous act to cover up the other one how about you just get married instead? Let's try a different approach.

How about you get a husband? And that's like, he's got to be like, God damn it, son of a bitch. Oh, that, I mean,

could you imagine if you, if you deep down, like you didn't want to get married or you wanted to be single and you're like, I had to marry this guy because of my cat fucking controversy. I regret this. I resent this fucking guy. I'm just going to go fuck that cat instead of this guy. I just can't fucking take it anymore.

I hope he knows I'm cheating on him with the fucking. Is it cheating if it's a cat? There's a question for you. So on the one hand, Shane Dawson, you're still canceled. On the other hand, I'd tip my cap, sir, because it's just an all time move to deflect and to to move on. Same sex marriage still hot in the streets. Get people buzzing about that. Is sex marriage, still hot in the streets, get people buzzing about that. Is same sex marriage still hot in the streets? That's what I think I learned is that like, I think, I think when I saw that,

I was like, Ooh, that was a good idea because I do think it still carries enough like good for you guys sort of thing. I'm going to tell you what, I don't know. You're over the gay. See, I'm over the gays, but I love gay guys. Don't get me wrong. I just, I don't think, I mean, I think it's more progressive for me to be like what. I don't know. You're over the gays. See, I'm over the gays. I love gay guys. Don't get me wrong. I don't think. I mean, I think it's more progressive for me to be like, look, you get married. I'll give it to you. I agree.

But I think there's a lot of people who are not that way, you know? No. I don't care. Fucking marry whoever you want. I'm not going to be happy for you. Straight, gay, animal. If I don't know you, I'm not going to be happy for you because I really don't care. Yeah.

If I do know you, I'm not going to be happy for you. If I get one of my friends'm not gonna be happy for you Because I really don't care Yeah If I do know you I'm not happy for you If I give one of my friends I will be happy for you If you are just a random Viral tweet On the internet I do not give a shit about you

The amount of people Oh my heart is so full No it's not He's a fucking YouTuber That you watch Fuck out of here Fucking liars What are we calling this?

I don't know. We've got a new segment here. We went around the office. Office gossip? Sure. Office gossip is brought to you by... It's not gossip, but I kind of like it anyway. No, that's fine.

Office gossip is... Names don't have to mean anything. Office gossip is brought to you by Postmates. We had all of our coworkers deliver us topics to talk about on the podcast. Postmates will deliver absolutely anything to you from your food to your alcohol, to your diapers, to your groceries,

to your toiletries, anything you need from over 25,000 merchants. They have the largest network of stores and restaurants to choose your delivery from, and they will deliver anything you want within the hour. They are open 24-7, 365 and they keep you updated on the app. They keep you updated via text. They get everything delivered to you fast, quick, easy.

Never have to leave the house. Never have to even stand up. Never have to call anybody and talk on the phone. It is the perfect lazy man's and lazy woman's delivery service. Postmates right now is giving $100 off of the delivery charges for the next seven days when you use the code KFC. So download the app, enter promo code KFC, and you'll get your delivery charge whacked off for the next seven days. Yeah, you get whacked off. Did they say that? Did they say they're going to whack us off? So download Postmates.

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KFC Radio presents The Office. Fights went out there. Asked how many people? Eight. Eight people for many people? Eight. Eight people for topics. For topics. And now I'm going to give you a number and you're going to tell me what the topic is. And we're going to talk about it?

Yeah. And who did it or no? Who gave it to you? Yeah. Okay. Lucky number three. This is fun because it is so ridiculous. Glennie Ball said the Civil War.

So I went to him and I just said, give me a topic. Civil War was a fucking trip, dude. The amount of people, if you live like right on the border, imagine if it was like, you kind of have a Civil War hat on right now, John. It's a five panel hat. Yeah. Ooh. Yep.

If you, what if, what if, what if we lived like right on the Mason Dixon line and shit went down and John was like, I'm fighting for the South, bro. What? Yeah, that's right. You're going to be the racist one. I don't think so. And I was just like, bro, are you crazy? You're going to support slavery. I'm fighting for the union. I'm fighting for the north. And it was just like, all right, well, then. Yeah, that's it. Brothers fighting brothers the North. And it was just like, all right, well then. Yeah. Like that's what he said. Brothers fighting brothers. Right. Like I can't imagine ever really caring. I would,

I mean, I would desert a war so fucking fast. It's not even funny. Would you? We were talking about it. Oh yeah. We were talking about it. I don't even vote.

Can I fight? When they hold that like against certain candidates, they're like, you dodged the draft. I'm like, you know what I'm like? I don't know if that's I fight? When they hold that against certain candidates, they're like, you dodged the draft. I'm like, you know what I'm like? I don't know if that's the one I'm going to go in on somebody for. That's a smart businessman. I mean, he dodged it like eight times. He was a dodgy

motherfucker. I'd have all the things. My feet are fucked up. My eyesight's fucked up. I'd tell you whatever you need to hear. Or, you know, in the Civil War, I would just go, yeah, yeah, I'll meet you on the battlefield and start walking west. I'll catch you in California, bro. Gold rush, baby. Yeah, that's like in, I guess it was the Revolutionary War, but in the Patriot, when Heath Ledger

comes back and Milgram's like, don't go back. He's like, I have to. Why? Yeah, why would you do that? Why? Don't do that at all. Look, I did not feel this calling. I don't really know if I should be going over there.

Don't get me wrong. I think slavery is bad. It's a noble cause for someone else to physically fight it for. Gettysburg? Like 120,000 people died. They just slaughtered each other with muskets and shit. I am not trying to do that. I will be like the Alexander Hamilton where it was – he did – I mean, Hamilton wanted a fight.

But he was too important writing. Yeah. I'll write the shit out of your tails. Oh, yeah. I'll sit up on the ledge on the, you know, fort right now. Didn't, like, Gettysburg – didn't, like, people picnic watch it? Yeah, I believe so. One of those battles, like, people, like Gettysburg, didn't like people picnic watch it? Yeah, I believe so. One of those battles, like people like went to watch.

It was just like, I know what you're talking about. I'd be up there and I wouldn't like being up there, but it would be my cause to serve and I would watch and I would telltale. I'd be writing Abe Lincoln's four score and seven years ago speech. I'm the blogger. I'm the war

blogger. I don't fight. And these guys who just got whacked by cannonballs, I'm just like, well now we gotta like, your leg is decimated. Here, just chew on this stick and we'll pour some fucking liquor over it and maybe you won't get it amputated and die. If I get hit with any sort of cannonball, just

shoot another one at my face. Done. I'm not trying to be mortally wounded in the field okay could you imagine that shit when they when they just like the infantry just walked out to like 20 yards from the other infantry one two three i feel like get me out of here i would i mean when i don't know how that works it's just like all right you know the you're the low man on the totem pole. You're the front line. And they just willingly did that?

Like, no. Don't you think they ever, like, squared off while looking at each other and be like, never mind. Never mind. Maybe I would be like, one, two. Is slavery that important to you? Do you see how close we are with these guns? You really want to own a person this bad. Let's just not die and agree to not own people. Right, right. Do you see how close we are with these guns? You really want to own a person this bad.

Let's just not die and agree to not own people. Right, right. That seems like a fair compromise. You're willing to die right now so that these guys can make these other guys work on a fucking farm? Come on. It just seems, guys, it seems like a waste of life really across the board here. Everybody's doing this life thing really wrong. What you're doing is, I mean. Again, this is not Civil War.

This is more Revolutionary War, obviously. And DiStefano was talking about it. Our guy, Ben Franklin, who was just like, I'm out of here. Colonies and shit. You guys live like savages. I'm going to go fuck chicks in France. Have you been to France? Do you know what they do, man?

They are light years ahead of us right now. I'm going to go chill with them. You guys get your shit together. I'll come back. I'll invent some things. There's a cool thing called electricity. As in getting my dick sucked by some French girl. You guys can live in the trees out in the new world.

We were talking about it. Actually, funny enough, in the car yesterday on the way out to Long Island. And Riggs was saying he got a new video game called Battlefield or something like that, Battlefield 5. And him and his roommate started playing. And he was like, dude, I'm going to be honest. It's so realistic. It's scary. I'm like, I'm not even at war,

but I feel like I could die right now. He's like, he's trying to picture about being at war. He's like, I got to turn this corner. And I know there are bad guys over there But I gotta turn this corner Like what am I gonna do It's a video game If I get hit seven times I might get down to 10% life And I'll have to duck for a little while

But in real life it's just like The beach is the Normandy man It's just like yeah you gotta like somehow get over that Fucking very very very fortified beach. How are we gonna do that? I don't know. We're gonna send a bunch of you at the same time. Crazy. And it worked somehow. It is nuts.

I mean, the lining up is the craziest thing in the whole world. That was the best. Well, that was just like, well, our muskets can't reach, so we gotta get like 10 feet from each other. The best plan was just like, How about, I mean, the British used to fucking roll up with the drums oh i mean they have a civil war two little drummer boys yeah we're coming all fucking headbanding up go teach that kid addition what are you doing having him lead you into war dicks this is crazy topic number uh six six ah this is fun uh i will tell you a little little tale here this is

from casey casey was the first person to say what's it for and uh oh i need a random topic first five people just said a word just did it yeah just said a topic first five people all guys get to number six fucking chicks what do you need it for right so get casey guys. Get to number six. Fucking chicks. What do you need it for? Right? So get gazies. Go over to number seven, Marina. What's it for? Unbelievable.

These goddamn hoes. How about number two then? Number two, YP Middle School. Middle School. Middle School was good for me. Middle School was a good time. Why? We had just moved to Westchester.

What's up, Pete? No. What do you need? We had two different answers there. Just don't worry about it, Pete. It's fine. Fucking this guy. How's the internet doing, Pete?

All reports are that it is not good. All indications are failure. school was a good time for me we had just moved from the bronx to westchester and there was like some clout that came along with that people like from the bronx i was like i'm from city Island, dude. Like, we fucking sail boats and like play on the beach. But people were like, the Bronx. So all these chicks liked me and shit. I was going to say, it was because the ninth grade girls all had a crush on you.

Yeah, that worked out well. That was good. The ninth grade girls? I thought middle school. Yeah, buddy, exactly. I said middle school was good for me. Middle school is good when the high school girls like you middle school was the first time i realized that i don't i don't even know what i would call it whether it's like

uh like like whether it would be white privilege or just being like how athletes have it better or i guess not being poor all three of them really came into play where I should have been like expelled. It was like. Well, yeah, because at that point, are you living like boarding school? No, no, no, no, no, no. But the, but like I went to like a public middle school in my town

and everyone there was kind of a piece of shit, but I wasn't. And I wasn't, but I pantsed a kid one day in gym class and I didn't know it was going to go all out. Dick out? Dick out of everything. Did he not have underwear on or you got the underwear too? I think I got the underwear too.

It was gym class. He was in athletic shorts. I don't know if I forget, but it all came down. So his little fucking middle school pecker just flops out. And he pulled it up real quick. But the middle school, the gym teacher. He saw his little bald eagle. He was like a family friend. So the middle school, the gym teacher. They saw his little bald eagle. He was like a family friend.

So he's like so mad at me. He's like, I got to send you to prison. You might get expelled for this. This is really bad. And I was like, can we just not? How about we just don't do that? And we had like, I think it was like a free throw contest. And that's what kept me in middle school.

I honestly, I forget. I mean, on the next edition of The One Thing I Learned. It was. I forget exactly what it was. Trial by combat here with a free throw to fucking survive expulsion. It was like that would have changed my entire life. If I kicked out of middle school. Because guess what?

Then I don't get into boarding school. Yeah. Shit. It's a humongous life changing moment in like seventh grade what did the kid like say or do he's like still a good friend of mine he like he didn't really care either that's probably

that probably helped too yeah it's like it's fine it's fine yeah because you do that to the wrong guy and expose his dick and ruin his life and then you're fucked yeah it was it was the teacher was like all right just sit in the corner of class it's like when you gotta put in a timeout at country fest yeah sit down there don't do anything stupid for like six minutes i won't literally ruin your life that would like i wouldn't be here right now

had i not won that contest it wasn't like a contest it was like you gotta hit a couple of free throws like all right like i'm kind of athletic i could do this these are things where you look back and like That teacher didn't How old is he? Gym teacher age I feel like gym teachers Don't age Like it's a gym teacher kid

Gym teachers are all just Shaped like a cannonball With a high crew cut They're just like I do not Want to like Have to write up This paperwork

Of this like Sexual harassment case So this just never happened Shout out to What year is that? What year is that for you? Shout out to the 90s paperwork of this like sexual harassment case. So this just never happened. Shout out to what year is that? What do you use that for you? Shout out to the nineties. Yeah,

that was probably, I mean, you do that now you expose somebody's penis. Now you're done. You might go to jail. I feel like in middle school, it's still like kids being kids a little bit. Like, I mean,

pantsing is just a thing. That's just, that's really, I'm the victim here. That's bad luck by me. I wasn't going for is just a thing. That's really, I'm the victim here. That's bad luck by me. I wasn't going for both. It was just bad luck. That's sloppy pantsing. Yeah, it wasn't great.

That's a pantsing. By the way, you watch an afterlife for Keej Ravis? Yeah, I watch it all. I watch it all first night. That first scene where the kid's like, pedo! And he's like, I'm not a pedo. What if I was? You'd be safe, you fat little ginger cunt. That show's very funny.

It's a great watch because it's six 30-minute episodes. We'll do one more topic. One more. I want to put Ricky Gervais. Perfect. The Office. One more addition to The Office. Let's do number...

I'm interested to see number one because I want to know who Gervais. Perfect. The Office. One more addition to The Office. Let's do number... I'm interested to see number one because I want to know who you went to first. Number one. We're not going to do this one. But it's number one. Nate. Anal sex. Number four.

It was Nate and Casey were standing next to each other. I was like, just so we're clear, you two are the only ones who went sexual. Everyone else is normal. Number four. Office manager Brett. A little tax evasion. Okay. I wonder why that's the case. It's tax season.

I wonder what Brett's doing. Do you do your own taxes? No. I have the greatest accountant in the world. Why? I always, like, I don't know whether to actually say his name or not. I've done it in the past. His name's Kenny. I don't give his last actually say his name or not. I've done it in the past. His name's Kenny.

I don't give his last name out because he's like, you know, he's like Saul Goodman. He's a Saul Goodman. He'll figure out what's best for you. So I've been going to him forever. He breeds dogs. He breeds beagles. He has, like, Westminster dogs. He owns them.

So I walk in there, and I'm always like, how are the dogs? Who's winning? What's this and that? And he got to butter them all up. And the next thing you know, he's like, yeah, this is not the only thing. Check these boxes for you.

I still owe money every single fucking year. I'm going to start evading taxes. You know what we were talking about the other day? I'll tell you what. Do this one next year. We'll find out. Because I'm fucking, I'm evading them. I was seeing the other day with how many

soccer players. Soccer players love evading taxes. Soccer players hate it. But I actually, now that I think about it, because we were discussing this the other day with baseball players, where you pay the tax in the town you played that game. That game check is if you play in Boston, you're paying Massachusetts tax.

I don't know if that's common knowledge or not but that's how it is and that's how it is in Europe too but you're not even going state to state you're going country to country yeah see I would try to evade it too I don't even know if it's evading me it's just like it counts me like this is fucking impossible

I don't even know all of this shit I think it's basically like Ronaldo is like well when they catch me, I'll pay it. You know, like, come get me. But, you know, you think Paris is going to work with fucking England is going to work with fucking Berlin. And these guys, these countries are fucking looking out for each other. Like the Spanish accountant is like a general practitioner. I know a little bit about almost everything.

But I'm not a specialist. I don't know what it's like when you're going up in your plane in fucking Manchester. I don't know what it's when you're going up in your plan in fucking Manchester. I don't know what those taxes are. I don't know. You're going to Portugal. You're going here. So who's coming to collect? All of those countries? The European Union? Well, actually, I guess the European Union

they don't have a standard tax thing? Bro. No idea. Nobody knows. That's the point. Ronaldo's like, none of you guys know what's going on. Like every single major soccer player

is like, always getting pinched for it. It's amazing. I would definitely do it if I had all the money in the world. I'm just like, all right, I'll pay it if you catch me.

Catch me if you can, bro. I don't know if I would, and I think that's just down to... I feel like if I... I'm stunned you do your taxes. I don't do my fucking taxes. I'm stunned that you like, get your taxes completed somehow. That's just down to i i feel like if i if i'm stunned you do your taxes i don't do my fucking taxes i'm stunned that you like get your taxes completed somehow that's just for me yeah she's like send me a w2 i'll take care of it

i'll do my taxes what are you fucking nuts but isn't it wild that like and it shows the true laziness in all of us because it's just like your income you're like i don't really know a lot about it like you do almost anything for a decent amount of money but it's just like your income. You're like, I don't really know a lot about it. You do almost anything for a decent amount of money, but it's just like, eh. Take a little bit and get a little bit more money. They take a bunch of money out of my paycheck and then every year I owe them several

thousand dollars and I'm just like, okay. Seems totally unfair, but okay. I had it. My mom recently asked me what a paycheck is, how much money I get per paycheck. And I said, I have no idea. She's like, haven't you been getting paid that amount for two years? Some white privilege shit. We don't even worry about the money to the point that we don't even know the number.

I have no clue what tax bracket I'm in. I have no clue how much health insurance comes out of my paycheck. I have no clue. I have no clue where any of the money that comes out of my paycheck goes. The only thing I know is that every April someone's like you owe like $4,000 more. Motherfucker. For what? For fucking what? I hate taxes so much.

I am excited for next year that I took a bath on my house. I'm like, fuck yeah, you ain't going to get no more money from me because I already lost it all and it's selling my house. Who's winning now? Lose like 40 grand to save four. That four feels so good. I don't think I would do tax evasion because I'm not good enough at planning. Where like once I do get caught and I will

get caught like I just spend the money I have tomorrow's never gonna come I just spend whatever I have so like when they come get me I'm like oh no I don't have that that's gone I spent that in like 2012 you are nuts if you think I have that money to pay you yeah then you go to jail

so I don't want to that's what like if Ronaldo can do it because he just's a situation, right? So I don't want to. Free sitch. That's what. Like, Ronaldo can do it because he just has so much goddamn money. He's like, oh, yeah, I don't know. It's, he's like, can someone, what does Tracy Jordan say in 30 Rock? He gets, he gets, he just, he was, like, drunk on a Saturday, on a St. Patrick's Day broadcast. So he's just swearing the whole time.

And then the, you know, after that, Tina Fey is like, Tracy, the FCC finds you $10,000 per swear. You owe $500,000. He goes, $500,000. Can someone cut this watch in half? And that's what Ronaldo's like. Ronaldo owed $21 million. And he was just like, okay, there you go. Cut the check for 21 mil.

I'll take care of this real quick. You can just have my yacht. How about that? I'll give the fucking European Union my yacht. I feel like he's, what's his name, Ty Webb in Caddyshack when he takes the girl home. And she's just like, this check's for $7,000. He's like, you want it? It's yours.

And that was, you know, when that was filmed. Ronaldo's got game checks laying around his house. He's like, here, I'll just sign this over here. Yeah, co-sign this. Take it and go.

I worked for free last week. Fuck rich people, man. All right, voicemails. They're brought to you by Movement Watches. This summer, you got to get yourself some Movement Shades and some Movement Watches.

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Voicemails and then Soder. Let's do it. Up KFC Heights with Producer BC. So one of my friends was telling me that he likes every post on Instagram. Doesn't matter what it is. Doesn't matter who posts it. He just likes every single thing. I'm kind of curious as to why he does it.

So I'm doing it one day like a fucking weirdo. But then he told me that his girlfriend can't get mad at him because he just tells her he likes everything regardless of what it is. Brilliant. So he always just sticks to this behavior and she doesn't get mad. So what do you guys think? It's brilliant. I've thought about this before.

You think he's a fucking weirdo? No, it's a great move. You just like absolutely everything and they don't know what it's it's like uh guerrilla warfare it's like confusion they don't know what to do it's i i wasn't even thinking girlfriend wise i was thinking just to fuck with zuckerberg like i'm gonna take your your algorithm spin cycle try and decide what i really like motherfucker and try try and target at me we'll see i like everything that's all right because instagram listens to you. They'll send me ads for conversations

I've had. Absolutely. The phone is listening. That was actually funny. There was a tweet yesterday when Instagram was down and it was like, if Instagram is down, how am I going to be able to find out what brands I said out loud yesterday? That's very true though. No jokes. That's what's going on. You gotta walk

around just saying like Coca-Cola, Pepsi Tide Pods They'll pop right up Everything you need Right By the way That in-app shopping For Instagram

Is gonna be a problem It is also It's so sick and deranged That We just sit here Laughing about it Oh yeah It's like

Big Brother's taking over the world We're gonna look back On this podcast In ten years And be like We we probably should have done something. Yeah, we should have tried. When they tell you, like, Bezos is just like, Alexa's not listening to you. Like, what? We promise.

I mean, the phone's always recording. They showed that. That's one of the things Shane Dawson exposed, where he was like, you know, the live photos. Everybody's like, oh, this is great. Live photos. It catches the first few seconds that means it's always recording constantly motherfucker

I just want to go back to just cut the cord on everything I want to go Kyrie Kyrie said are you going to be coaching in 20 years I'm going to be on a farm in Texas I'm out of here for this but if you got to live in this world, I love that move.

It's like, oh, why are you liking that girl's ass? I also like that story about the paraplegic kid who hit a three-pointer, and I like the story about this picture of the ugly girl and my buddy and this person from work. Neither do I. I like very few things always work-related, though, or podcast-related. Yeah. Things that I like. I like K few things always work related, though, or podcast related. Yeah. Things that I like.

If you get me to laugh, I'll throw you a like. But I'm not liking any girl stuff. I'm not liking any. I mean, I understand it. Like, you like a girl's post. She notices it. It opens a door, maybe. Like, I ain't doing any of that.

No. Fuck that noise. I mean, I can't. If I like someone's post,'s like a reddit thread and that person's getting friend requests and that person's being harassed it's like I'm not just fucking everybody guys I wish I was but I'm not so leave these people alone I always think about it like it's basically because I I because my understanding of women hasn't evolved since middle school, really. Yeah. Where it's just like, if I don't give them any attention, then they're going to be interested.

Yep. So, like, I'll be like, I'm not going to like Devin Brugman's post. She's going to come, right? She's crawling right to me. Part of me does think that. I've never liked an Emily Ratajkowski post. And part of me thinks that, like, she's crawling right to me like part of me does think that like i've never i've never liked an emily ratajkowski post and part of me thinks that like she's she's taking note who's this fucking john feidelberg guy who's never liked a post of mine now what you gotta do is you gotta

uh you gotta like comment but not follow she'll she'll start to see you i'm like who is this guy he doesn't even follow me what the fuck the fuck is going on just nigger the whole time basically become just like an internet troll. She'll fuck you so quick, bro. Yeah. I mean, everyone knows celebrities and famous hot people just go around fucking the people who are mean to them in the comments. Definitely. That's how it works.

Karabas does this with Barry Bonds. He's commented on every single Barry Bonds Instagram post. And Barry Bonds only has like 80,000 followers. Barry Bonds definitely notices Jared Karabas. Karabas always says the same thing. Like, like, what do you say, big man? Or something like that. Every single time.

Barry's Barry's going to reach out. It's going to work with Barry Bonds. Dude, by the way, speaking of baseball real quick, did you see the first eight year comps between Frank Thomas and Mike Trout? Are they similar? They're not similar. Thomas is like significantly better. Yeah. Big H They're not similar. Thomas is significantly better. Big Heart was a fucking force, bro.

Yeah, so why is everyone telling me Mike Trout's arguably the greatest player ever? No one even considers mentioning Frank Thomas as one of the greatest ever. It's a fact. And his first eight years are... Trout hits.307. Thomas hit.330.

Thomas has.257 home runs. Trout is.240. hit 330. Thomas has 257 home runs. Trout is 240. OBP, Thomas 452. Trout 416. Slugging, 600. Trout 573. And then WRC plus. I don't know what that one is.

But it's 177 for Thomas, 172 Trout. It's across the board better. The big hurt, baby. I mean, like 30 points higher batting average. I guess like defensive position you know like mike trout's defense i don't know steal some bases i'm out on trout out on trout it's i i was i carried the torch for him for a while with like being like he's a great player. Nah, man, I'm done with you.

307 is really not that... 307 is... Alright. That's a solid year. 307? How about it might have a Bryce Arbor bat in 250? 307, you're not even going to sniff the batting title in 307. Was it Mookie last year?

Yeah, he bat like 360 for a batting title. Alright, Mike Trout, not that good. Not that good, man. Don't know him. Yeah, what's up, KFC? Fight Super Reserve BC. It's kind of a super important question. In chronological order,

what do you think came first between knife, fork, and spoon? Two important questions, two were a debate to my friend. Thanks, guys. Appreciate it. Bye. Alright. The knife came first. Yes. The knife was like to

kill and cut and utility, like you needed to be able to cut things. Then it was spoon because I feel like they just ate so much porridge like no no no no porridge and stews were like real big yeah they just drank that

they just had a bowl it went knife bowl when I think about movies based in Roman times which are very realistic they they're using spoons. I don't recall ever seeing a fork. I think, first of all, Roman times is like thousands of years past what we're talking about, right? I mean, they were inventing this shit when they were in caves. I think they had a knife.

They needed to fucking kill things and cut things. And then they were cutting things and they needed to hold it. They were like, we need to stab this to be able to hold it with something. They probably just had a stick. I think it was two knives. They would use two knives to eat for a while. And then the spoon came along.

Maybe I'll buy that. The fork is pretty... It's like four knives. We could make these just smaller. I think that's what it was. That's exactly what I was thinking. How about this? Frankie Borelli was debating this with me.

If you had a brownie with one scoop of ice cream, would you serve it with a spoon or a knife? Fork. Spoon or fork? Fork. Yeah, me too. Frankie's a spoon? No, he said fork as well.

But when you think about it, it really should be spoon because you can do both with a spoon. Maybe a little awkwardly with the brownie, but you can eat a brownie with a spoon and you can obviously eat the ice cream with a spoon. You can't really do both with a fork. Yet, I would still serve the fork. So, I don't know. And you're not really using it in a fork way, right?

You're still using the side of the fork to kind of cut and scoop. So, that's basically what a spoon is. Yeah, you don't like stab the brownie. You kind of scoop the brownie. But if somebody gave you a spoon, you wouldn't be like, what the fuck is this? It's a toss-up.

Knife, spoon, fork. Yes, correct. Glad you got there. What's up, KFC fight super producer BC um so I was listening to yesterday's show and you guys were talking about how the one girl went around asking all these other girls if they knew guys looked at their assholes when they were doing it from behind which blows my mind that girls don't think that like they didn't know that because I feel like it's pretty obvious. And I feel like the only way to prevent them staring directly at your asshole is to just let them put it in your asshole. Like, just do anal.

It's not that hard. It covers up half your butthole so you don't have to worry about them staring directly at it. And then it feels good. So just fucking do it. Plus, it's 2019. Just do anal. I don't know. Tell me your thoughts. Play that one for Nate.

Yeah, shout out to Nate, number four. Number one. Number one. I mean, that is just the sluttiest logic I've ever heard. If you don't want a guy looking at your asshole, let him fuck it. It makes sense. I mean, it makes perfect sense. It's very logical.

Fine. But I think where the logical flaws come in is that if you are worried about someone looking at it, you're probably much more worried about someone fucking it. If you're the type who's uncomfortable about someone even seeing something in bed, the chances of you being like, just fuck my butt is probably slim to none. Kumail Nanjiani had a funny tweet once about that where he's like, I can't watch anal porn because when I watch anal porn, I can't see her asshole. Well, that's how I thought. She said it covers up half your asshole. I'm like, covers up the whole thing.

Fills the whole thing up. Unless your asshole's really weird or his dick's really weird. It covers the whole thing. I don't even know what kind of dick you could have that wouldn't. Yeah. Like a straw. Yeah, it would have to be like the skinniest dick ever or the biggest butt of all time. I mean, you know, I'll co-sign that. Sure. Yeah.

Yes, girls. If you're self-conscious about it, just tell them to fuck you in the butt. Why not? Dan Soder's up. Interview brought to you by Roman. Roman has these Romans. This is brilliant. The the numbing wipes is one of the most brilliant inventions of all time.

You've used them. Yeah. Well, I haven't. I have. I practice. You've used it at work. Yes. Roman sells these wipes that they are like like when you get buffalo wings and you get like the wet nap afterwards.

It comes in a little like looks like a condom package. You rip it open. There's a wet nap in there. The little swipe, little wipe has some numbing agent on it. You wipe your dick. It numbs you up. It doesn't completely numb you. It just desensitizes you so that you can have sex longer.

Through the power of goddamn magic, it does not transfer to your partner. I don't know how that happens. It's like rub it on your dick, makes you shit go numb, and then it just stops. It just disappears. It can't be transferred to the girl or the guy. Fine. I don't know.

Magic. Just roll with it. That's some science shit. But, yeah, I tried it out on the radio. We got them sent to our office. I said, let's see what the fuss is about. Let's see if this is the real deal. Went in there, went in the bathroom,

and I sat at my microphone on my radio with a numb dick for two hours. I did a whole radio show with a numb dick. It worked. I definitely was sitting there thinking to myself, like, yep, pretty numb. But obviously, you can still feel it. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's not going to ruin your sex. It's going to make it last probably just a chunk longer, which is really what you want. Yeah, you get up there about seven minutes. Right. Honestly. If you can hit that seven-minute mark, thanks to Roman what you want. You have to about seven minutes, right? Honestly, you can hit that seven minute mark. Thanks to Roman wipes. You're good to go.

You can put them in your wallet. Oh, how about this? Wow. Oh, how about this? If you use it like consistently, it like trains your dick.

Really? So this says after three months of regular use, you will have a 340% increase. That's 3.4 times your average time. Goodness gracious. So you fuck for five minutes, you're fucking for 15 and a half after that. It's going to have the whole world just consistently fucking. This might be like Pandora's box.

We don't know what we've done. That's crazy. I mean Pandora's box. We don't know what we've done. That's crazy. That's, I mean, that's awesome. So it doesn't transfer your partner, doesn't numb you. Other people have like cream and foam. They got a rub on there. Nope, just take it out, wipe it on, wait a couple minutes. So you got to like just excuse yourself.

Like, I'll be right back. I got to run to the bathroom first. Yeah. Yeah. You do that sometimes. Like, I got to pee like, just excuse yourself. Like, I'll be right back. I got to run to the bathroom first. Yeah. Yeah. You do that sometimes. Like, I got to pee before we do this. Like, I'm actually numbing my dick.

You got to pee after. I got to pee before. Right. That's how it goes. Little do you know, girls, we're numbing our penises. Or, you know what? That should just be out in the open. You should just be like, listen, this is so hard with my normal dick.

Just let me numb it. How man how about like you do it you know like like somebody puts a condom on you all like sexy like you just like wipe me down with this thing let's just be in agreement this is better for all parties and be in the open about it let me supersize my dick right let me take it give me let me let me get my superpowers real quick what is it the black panther they drink the, the, the, what's he drink? I forget what it is. Yeah. It's the something shaped, heart shaped. Yeah.

For some shit. Turns you into the. Power of the Black Panther. That's the, you gotta swipe this on and say that out loud. Yo, I'll tell you what. It's over for chicks. I might have to cancel chicks. Because we are now coming up with technology that enhances our ability to have sex.

They don't have that. No. It's just like you guys got what you got, and that's it. And it's been working for a really long time. But we still have, I'd argue they're about 400% better than us. So we're almost going to get to their level. So we're still 60% behind even after three months of regular use with the Roman wipes. So Roman also, they have ED medicine.

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That's fucking crazy. You don't think about the pure dedication to getting pregnant that NBA All-Star Weekend is. That's like their career. There's women that are like, if I get... Remember that girl that

Paul George knocked up in Miami? No. That's a thing I don't even remember because it's like... It happens so much. The only reason I remember it is I was playing 2K and I was like, Paul George, get a chick pregnant. When J.J. Reddick needs to have abortion contracts, remember

that? No. Yeah. J.J. Reddick made a have like abortion contracts, remember that? No. Yeah. J.J. Reddick like made a girl sign a contract and then she got pregnant and she had to get an abortion. No. That's J.J. Reddick. Can you? That's J.J. Reddick. Fucking.

That feels like the like the sex contract in the office where they're like. Yeah. They're like the arbiters like I don't even feel comfortable sitting here discussing like a baby contract. Do the lawyer. Can you make someone an abortion? Even if it's signed? I mean, it was obviously very...

He's not born with it. That's a process of a lawyer telling him to do it. Yeah. Then him having a lawyer draw it up. And then him talking to his family about it. And they're like, this is it. Yeah, that's the move. What's JJ's actual name?

Is it like Jeffrey Joseph? Reddick? John? John? John Jack? I'm pretty sure. I'm sure he's denied it and everything. He came to the set of Billions. Did he?

He was super cool. Did he do one of those Steve Smith internships? Like at Morgan Stanley or something like that? Yeah, let me see this. Yeah, those guys, that's smart because if you're a good Duke player or a good college football player, either learn how to sell insurance or cars. Right, right. Because that's going to be your bread and butter once those knees go. That's what John Elway's got.

John Elway's got like what? Like 30 dealerships? All of Arapahoe Road locked up. All of Arapahoe Road growing up. If you went south, yeah, if you went, I think south of 25 on Arapahoe Road growing up. If you went south Yeah, if you went I think south of 25 on Arapahoe Road, it was like John Elway Nissan, Toyota, Honda

He fucking owned it. And then he sold them all. He sold them all and now he has Elway's which is like one of the best steakhouses in Denver. There's Elway's and Shanahan's. Isn't that unbelievable? You make it big in sports and you can just do anything you want. I'm going to sell cars, I'm going to sell steaks, I'm going to sell fucking

washing machines. I'll do whatever the fuck I want. Nate Bargetzi and I always said Tim Tebow is fine if he just goes and opens Tim Tebow's Nissan in Gainesville. Good. Yeah, it's like you can buy a car from anywhere or you can buy it from Tim Tebow. He does those church things now, right? Yeah, the megachurch shit. That's big money.

That's bigger money. That's Joel Osteen money. Yeah, that motherfucker makes $50 million a year. To go? Like, secondary market to go see him. What? One ticket? Yeah. I mean, someone tweeted it very recently.

I think it probably was Revell. $4,000 to see Osteen. Yeah. I mean, it was secondary market. It wasn't the first thing, but it was on StubHub. It was like $4,000 to go. He was in, I've said this before. I forget which radio show I said it on, but it happened to us at Sirius.

Big Jay and I were in the lobby. We got done smoking a joint and we came into the lobby of Sirius and Osteen has a Sirius channel and he was leaving

with his fucking Delta Force security. I believe it. Yo, you want to see a lack of connection to God? Look at how many people he's got in between him and the common man.

He's got a... Yeah, but listen. Dude, he's got in between him and the common man. Yeah, but listen. Dude, he's got money. If I was him, I'd have that shit. You have to. Because not only are you big bucks, but you're like radical, religious world.

Yeah, you're in the world of religion and your teeth, his teeth are the shiniest things I've ever seen in my life. Those are made of, that mouth alone is probably like $2 million. Was that his church?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. You're just like, look at all, and then just guys with fucking hand cannons made of, that mouth alone is probably like $2 million. Was that his church? Hey, guys. You were just like, look at all, and then just guys with fucking hand cannons under their fucking sports coat. Was that his church in Houston? Yeah. He wouldn't let people in. Yep. And then he did. Right. After. Twitter shame. Oh, man. Doesn't matter how

powerful you are, how much money you make, or if you're a direct connection to God, Twitter comes for that ass. It's like, okay, I'm sorry. Yeah, Twitter is just like everyone fucking coming together. It's like society Voltroning against you. It becomes Twitter. That's scary, man. You ever been caught in the Twitter, like they're coming for that ass?

I mean, I'm sure it'll eventually happen. It comes for everybody. It'll come for everybody. I stay off it. You don't tweet? Dude, I learned from the great Ari Shaffir. When they come for you, you don't have to answer the door. When they knock, don't answer.

But he mixes it up though more on Twitter. He just doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't give a fuck. Right, but he does it. You don't even do it? Nah, like mix it up with people. Like just Twitter in general. I'll promote. Occasionally I'll go on to look. You know, sometimes like Bonfire fans will tweet really funny memes and shit at us that they make of our shit.

And so you're like, yeah, I'll check that out. But I'd probably say I go on Twitter three times a week. Wow. I go on it literally. It's just a constant stream of on. Yeah. I can't. Three times a week is crazy.

What do you do otherwise? I go on Instagram. I go on Instagram. Instagram's a lot healthier. A couple times a day, dude. Twitter was, man, I got this thing. I hate myself, so I don't need someone else telling me they hate me. I'm good, dude.

You fit right in here, homie. We're full, man. We are good to go. I know how much I suck. I know where I made mistakes. I know what could be better. Do not need to outsource it. There is no suggestion box needed at the store.

We run a tight fucking ship. And I think it's also like, I think it makes more sense for people now in the entertainment industry to start being mysterious again. Start disappearing. Dude, I do eight hours of a radio show a week and I'm doing stand-up every night. You can come get me. You'll know enough about me. You don't need to find more of me. There doesn't need to be more of me out there.

But you have to have a ton of talent to be mysterious. Yeah, that's true. Like a lot of us. Like you people. Look at this side of the table. You got to promote. You got to be out there. If you're super talented, you can just be like, like Beyonce.

Beyonce doesn't tweet. She just drops an album. We're going to talk about her today. But I was kind of seeing how some of my friends did tweet, how some of my friends didn't. And there's some people that are so fucking good at it that, great, man. That's their art form or whatever. Yeah, go tweet. But I think you should. And I'm just saying, like, personality types mixed with comic stylings.

Some people, like, I live with Mike Vecchione. Unbelievable comic. Tweets his jokes, and they work. I tweet my joke. I'm like, that sucks. That fucking blows. Well, that's the problem with Twitter is the tone and the delivery of whether it's a joke or just my intention.

I'm being sarcastic, or I'm not really being that serious, but people read it that way and all of a sudden... And Big Jay always laughs at me because I take compliments as insults. They'll be like, really funny, dude. Can't wait till you're in Atlanta. And I'll be like, with Jay, smoking weed, I'll be like, fucking look at this guy. Oh, you're really funny. I'll see you in Atlanta. I'll fucking fight this guy.

That's the really dangerous part of just like texting and tweeting and stuff like that is you always, I'm the same way as you, because I add that sarcastic tone to everything. They could have been totally genuine, but I, because of the whole inner hatred we share, I think everyone at this table shares, any tweet to me can be like, dude, you're the

best. I'm like, dude, you're the best. Fuck this guy. I'm not the best. I know you're being ridiculous. Yeah, exactly. You're like, you're fucking mocking me. You are mocking me.

That's why I couldn't, man, yeah, I'm just not good at it. But I'm like, if I was trying to be mysterious and then you finally get a look behind the curtain and it's like, oh, that's what I paid for. I don't think that's that good. I'm afraid that'll happen. They're like, dude, I fucking, Jesus, give this away for free. What are you doing charging? This is garbage.

Yeah, well, that's that. You see, you're a talented guy. You're funny. Thank you, guys. You're naturally funny. But do you know that? Don't be self-deprecating for me. No, no, no.

You're real. You know you're funny, right? I mean, obviously, because I made the decision to do this professionally. But it's working. But I think it was a gradual, like, funny in school, getting in trouble. Yeah. Get in trouble enough in school where you're like, I kind of like being funny. Yeah, I'm different.

You know? Yeah. It's just kind of like, I wasn't ever cool, and I never was ever a dork. I was, like like right in between Like I like to make fun of everything And then it got me in trouble And then I started working in jobs in high school Started getting in trouble for being funny

And then I was like I'll try to do a job where I'm funny And then it was like I went When I decided I was going to be a comic Like a stand up comic I always wanted to do it but I was man, I can't be a fucking comic. I can't think of that shit. I was obsessed with Dangerfield,

Chappelle, Pryor, Carlin, Patrice, Burr, CK. So when you start getting Patrice, you're like, I can't do that. It's like watching the NBA. I'll never be able to dunk. And then when you put in your first two-handed dunk, you're like, oh shit, maybe I can dunk. And you start learning how to dunk, and it's like years later when you're not a kid anymore, you're like i'll never be able to dunk and then when you put in your first two-handed dunk you're like oh shit maybe i can dunk and you start learning how to dunk and it's like years later

when you're not a kid anymore be like i can fucking yak yeah come down i come down on an open lane i will fucking jam on you but when you're a kid you don't think it has to be an eventual that's why i think this like um flash in the pan big internet celebrities it blows up real quick it's gonna tighten real quick, it's going to tighten real quick because it wasn't like you fucking ran up the mountain and now you don't have any air. And you're like,

yeah, you got up there but you can't stay up there. It's like total recall. Your fucking eyes are fucking popping out of your head. So I just, I don't know, man,

there's just like this slow build but I knew I was funny at work. I knew I'd be like the funny guy at work and I was like, all right, if I'm funny, maybe I can be a funny guy.

But yeah, you can do the voices too. There's something like, all right. Yeah. If I'm funny, maybe I can be a funny guy. But yeah, you can do the voices too. There's something like... That's just being a weird only child. Yeah. I needed to create imaginary friends. Dude, man, I was a lonely, lonely only child. What percentage of the world do you think you're

in for funny? I don't know. I don't know because that got fucked up for me recently because Joe List, who's a fantastic comedian and a huge Patriots fan, he's from – yeah, he's from – he's not from Newton. He's from – god damn it. It's one of those mass towns. You guys have like fucking 40 of them around Boston, right? Oh, yeah, from fucking – no, I'll know it in a second.

Watch when I walk out. I'll be like, oh, that's what it was. But he – Joe List, we were hanging out and he had a really good point where he was like, man, we're friends with the funniest people on earth. I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, our friends are some of the best stand-up comics in New York City, which is the best stand-up comedy arguably in the world. Yeah.

So therefore, it was like, you know, one of those arguments. And it's true. It's not an exaggeration. It's true. But he's friends, like, he was friends with Louis. He is friends with Louis C.K. He was friends, you know, he's friends with Colin Quinn. He's friends with guys like, we're friends with Dave Attell.

So you're like, yeah, that is, those are the funniest people in the world. So it's crazy to know them. It's just nuts that Dave Attell's like, how you doing? And you're like, what the fuck? And you're a peer, so you have to be up there in that top 0.05%. You work at the same office. Yeah. I said that.

But you got hired there. Yeah, I said that to Louie one time, like, years ago. I was at the cellar, and he showed up, and he was just going to drop in. And it was like, you know, he's like, why don't you go on, and I'll go on after you. And I was like, oh, thanks, man. This is the only job where you show up and your hero's at your desk. You know, one of your heroes. And he was like, do you want to do this?

Ah, fuck, no one wants to watch me do this work. Everyone wants to watch you do this work. I mean, the fact that you're at that desk, dude, and in the building is like, you're fucking crazy. It's, like, working in a cellar was like one of those things, you know, because I grew up watching the movie Comedian, which is a documentary about Jerry Seinfeld coming back to comedy.

And if you are even remotely interested in doing stand-up comedy, watch that. Because it's fucking great. I was just saying earlier, we had Chris DiStefano in here. One of the best. Fucking tore it down. Guy I came up with. Tore it down.

I actually think of you guys as very similar. Chrissy D. History Hyenas with Giannis Pappas. They just did an episode. They're fucking great. He was Chrissy Chlamydia today. Chrissy Bitch Hips? Yeah.

He's got a bunch, dude. That guy, when I first met Chris, every story was like a one man show he's like I got this fucking friend Paulie Penguins he fucking bought a penguin and you're like are you a real person cause I'm from Denver I'm like is this a Brooklyn one man show Whitman Massachusetts suck a dick

fucking got it but I mean he came in here and like he did this video we're gonna have you do as well and the fucking place is just rolling And he's off the cuff and I'm just Sitting there and I'm like I'm never gonna be that funny so I'm just gonna pack It in even and the stand-up comedy shit

Everybody it sounds Like hey you want to get Into stand-up comedy get in a fucking time Machine go back about 15 years and start Then because that's how long it's gonna take It's like why even why would I even try now if i'm not even going to get even into the fucking building when i'm 50 yeah i'm lucky i'm literally 50 yeah i'm lucky that i started at 21 and just kind of like had that like i got nothing let me just do this because it's crazy when you see people

on the road you're like you know you'll be on the on the road and the MC will be like a 45-year-old dude and he's like, started stand-up five years ago. I love it. And you're like, how do your wife and kids feel about that? They don't love it. Yeah. They fucking, man, that's got to be rough. That's got to be a tough.

It's like boxing. Yeah. But it's like boxing. It's like when someone's like, I'm going to start boxing at 32. You're like, why? You're done. You think you, why, why you're done? What do you think you're going to win a belt? And I mean,

you have to be able to, you gotta be young enough that you're like, I'm going to live like porn fucking struggle or, or be on stage every night. Well, I don't have any responsibilities and it doesn't matter that I'm living on the floor. Exactly.

Or you have to be like a Greg Giraldo or in boxing, Bernard Hopkins, Bernard Hopkins came out of prison at 25 and just started fucking dudes up. Greg Giraldo was a lawyer and at 26 was like, all right, I'm going to do stand-up. Shit. Yeah, became one of the best comics of all time. But that's just the, that's the rarity.

That's a rarity. That's the exception to the rule. Yeah, that's like fucking first-round draft pick actually going through. Right, right, right. And not being some fatso that shows up at training camp. You're like, oh. We had Dane Cook in here a little while ago,

which was, you know, a trip for our age group. Dude, we had my age group. I fucking remember that. Yeah, I mean, that was... Still has one of the best comedy. I would say his and Nick Swartzen and Dave Attell's are the three best Comedy Central presents of all time. If you go back and watch all those old presents, like 99, 2000. Do you think it still holds up?

Do you think I'd like to watch it? I haven't gone back to watch that. I can see it not holding up. Something that it does. Attell blows it away. Swartzens is super funny. And Dane's holds up, man, because people forget that he really, like, perfected that physical style of comedy. Like, overly physical, moving with every word.

And a lot of comics do that kind of shit now that wouldn't have done it without Dane Cook. So you got to give him that credit. He was saying it was eight years in order. He's like, I had an eight-year stretch where I could just sell out any arena I wanted. Dude, he still does Radio City. Yeah, that's wild. Do you understand how fucking hard it is to sell tickets? Do you have any idea what it's like to go to Omaha and have to do five shows and be

like, I hope a good amount of people show up? Omaha. I've been there once. And you're like, I hope a good amount of people show up. Omaha. I've been there once. And you're like, I have people come out. Dane was just like walking around being like, I'll do an arena. Yeah. I'll do an arena. And people have it.

You know, people got like that. Kev Hart has it like that. Kevin Hart. And I'm trying to think who else has that. Sebastian Maniscalco. Yeah. I mean, Sebastian's doing fucking four times at the Garden. He did 77,000 tickets in a weekend.

That number is a fucking joke. What you got to love about Sebastian and Bill Burr is that those guys are brick by brick guys. Like Dane is too. Dane built it up. Dane had a little speed on it. Fucking Bill Burr was like, that's three days. He went on at the Cellar two weeks ago, and I was two comics after him, and I'm like, can I go home? I don't want to fucking go up after this.

Just play his again. It was so goddamn funny and it's like, that's the part about comedy that sucks now is you see a really great comic, you feel like shit. You're just like, what am I doing? We're not even comics. I was just like, I'm not.

We can make a reference to a fucking TV show a long time ago. Oh, I remember that. We can make a blog comparison and funny. It's not, there's like an inherent funniness in these guys that is just you either got it or you don't. Yeah. Well, what I love about it is it's also like who's working real hard. Because in New York, you'll go like, I'll go to a set at the Cellar and then come a little early and Mark Norman will be on and I'll see him do three new jokes that are fucking great. And you're like, God damn it.

I am a phony. I suck. And then that's why I don't need Twitter. I don't need Twitter. I'm watching fucking my friends write bits and get better. And I'm like, shit, I'm learning how to play NBA 2K. At 35 years old, I'm learning how to play 2K because everyone else owns it, and no one wants to play WWE 2K,

so I got to fucking play NBA 2K. What age were you like totally no nerves? Nah, man, still. Still, before every set, you just, I have this, I have a very Eeyore mentality where I'm like, this is going to suck. No one likes me. And then they like me and I'm like, yeah.

But most of the time it's like, I don't know. This is why my dad left. And then you just go on stage and you're like, Dan, your tail. And I'm like, sure. But you just go on and then they like you and then that's when the fun happens. You're like, oh all right it's like bumping in a good set is like bumping into someone at a party that you're friends with or when you're at work and you have that one friend that you fucking laugh your ass off with but you guys aren't really boys outside of work yeah you know but when you show up

you're like yes fucking carl's working today what's up dude fucking i did this and that's that and you're like and then the workday is not bad that's a good set in comedy you show up in the audience is like that fun work friend you're like oh i can fuck around and you'll get everything i say right when you have a set that's right that's done right and you're traveling you're kind of performing that set and it crushes at nine out of ten places do you are you like fuck that crowd or yeah you start now you start i know this is funny it's worked a bunch of places it's your fucking problem it's a dude it's always a sliding scale because there's your fucking problem it's always a sliding scale because there's moments where you're like

like a joke will work and you'll be like oh yeah you guys fucking really thought that was funny it's a fucking stupid joke because then comics turn on their own jokes you turn on your own jokes all the time really? dude you'll have a new joke work for like three weeks and it'll fucking kill

and then by the third week you're like yeah it's a fucking dumb joke. It sucks. Why am I even fucking doing it? I should have a new joke that's better than that joke. It's like this weird tiger mom thing with your own bits where you're like, you fucking stupid joke. It's fucked up, man. But then you start riffing and you see what guys like Dave Attell does and Bill Burr where they have different tags and they fucking move around in the bit.

And they kind of have their own fun. And you just watch that shit. Like, Louis was the best at watching that. He would have a joke. And that's why when that Parkland shit came out, you're like, man, you don't know where that was going to go. Because you would see a Louis joke and then two months later it would be almost the same premise but a completely different joke and hilarious. And you're like, oh, fuck. That's what it turned into. So, yeah.

When he was like, yeah, if you need to get people to stop worrying about you masturbating, just make it a joke about school shootings. But he says that in a comedy club thinking he's with his fun friend from work. Right. He's having a good set. He's like, right, hey, fucking this bitch. And then someone's like, we have you on tape. And Margaret, the manager, heard it.

So you're going to have to go to the office. And then Louie's like, fuck. Yeah, like, you know, that's probably always going to be that for him now, though. But he's that big. When you get that big, you lose certain concessions. I can go fuck around on a Thursday in Springfield, Mass. With maybe, like, 30 people in the audience. And I can do a joke, you know, like a pedophile joke that might not work on a Friday night.

Do that, and then they leave. And they're like, hey, you know, I'm still working on it, so it's kind of there, but I enjoyed it. And then Friday, they're like, Friday early, they're like, why would you say you would try to befriend a pedophile? I'm not saying I would befriend him, I'm saying I would try to give him a speech, so he wouldn't be

socially awkward. Fuck. Fuck, I hate this. That's what it always feels like. And then, I think a lot of the cancel culture is people, oh. We just dove into cancel culture. We're big on cancel. Yeah, it's just like.

We're going to cancel you next, bro. Dude, fucking go for it. I got my money hidden in the woods at James Brown. I mean, once John Wayne got canceled, did you see that recently? Probably not because you don't put it in. He's from 1971.

Yeah, it was. That was so absurd that I just. Well, of course. They're not real people. And you're like, John, you can't say that. And he goes, I'm not talking about the blacks. He's like, he was talking in 1971. You know what John Wayne was probably doing during that interview?

Smoking inside. Suck a dick. It's 71. He thought fucking Coke original was good for you. I was. That was my. Oh, partner. A lady should good for you. I was, that was my. Oh, partner.

A lady should be blowing you. Just an old fucking John Wayne. That's probably exact. He was smoking while a girl blew him while he gave that interview. He goes, is that your lady friend? Do you mind? Just old, you know, like old cowboy. Like, he wasn't even a real cowboy.

Was he a real cowboy? I don't know. He's just walking around like an old tough guy actor. Of course was a racist in 71 no no doubt born in 1907 but when i heard that he said direct quote i believe in white supremacy i was like okay i don't know if that played any at any point past like 1865 but all right yeah but that guy that was a guy that's like insulated, old, and famous in the olden times. That's a trifecta. He has no one telling him.

He doesn't even have a, he doesn't even have a granddaughter. No family. Grandpa John, I wish you fucking cared about blacks. He doesn't have any of that. They're just like, right, Duke?

Ain't that right, Duke? Everywhere he goes, they're like, right, Duke? He's like, yeah. When you get that, when you reach that level of celebrity and that level of wealth, it's like your world never changes. Nope. They change. They adapt to you. Yeah.

The people around you just try and be like you. Because you're like a giant fucking cow laying there and everyone's sucking off your nipples and they're like, don't wake the cow up. Don't wake the fucking cow up. Let the cow be racist. Let the cow be sexist. He's just pushing that milk out. There's fucking milk in John Wayne.

If someone were to have said something or tried to have changed him, he would have moved around and made his life a little different. Who knows? He might have changed. But to go back, that's just so crazy. Retroactive cancel. MJ's next. Michael Jackson's getting canceled next. I mean, dude. R. MJ's next. Michael Jackson's getting canceled next. I mean, dude.

Well, R. Kelly got kind of retroactively canceled. Yeah. In a weird way, Bill Cosby did, because it was that Hannibal joke that brought everyone back to his rape accusations. But man, it's- What's the vibe in the comic community about that? Are people kind of like, yo, Hannibal's fucked up, or is it like- What?

The Hannibal did it? Yeah. Who gives a shit? He's a fucking monster. Well, right. one was like down to defend cosmic yeah yeah louis like a tough one because you're like ah he's a pervert shit and he was really good shit but he's not like a fucking well it's kind of like it's kind of like when you find out like uh we were talking about this but like an nba player gets like a stripper pregnant and he's like get the abortion and she's like no and he's like get the abortion and you're like oh man it's going to be hard

watching him cry if he wins a championship. That's how I got girls with Louie. You're like oh man. I mean I still think you're one of the greatest of all time. Your perception of it changed a little bit. Just a little bit but like Cosby that dude was raping people.

A lot of women. A lot of people. A lot of women. What was the final tally? Like 71? Yeah. No. It got up there.

I thought it was like 54. It got up there. Damn, Cosby. If you talk to Bill Cosby, I think he raped you. He goes, when raping a woman, he just does like the Churchill things. When going through rape, the best thing to do is more rape. When I rape, then I rape, and I keep on raping. Keep raping until it stops.

Dude, I watched a comedian that documentary I was telling people, which you should watch, which is from like 2000 when Seinfeld stopped Seinfeld and came back into stand-up. That's what it's about. There's this part where he fucking talks to Bill Cosby. Very hard to watch because you're just like,

oh, buddy. That eye is about to get cloudy and your world is about to shatter. You have it. If you could bane him, you know, Mr. Cosby, there's a storm coming. I know what you know. Only once will all the rape cases have conformed when you die. Can you imagine looking over your shoulder right

Bill Cosby did yeah like last week he compared himself to like political prisoners he said he's like Nelson Mandela yeah that's real similar Nelson Mandela

is like a freedom fighter who like stood up for all the good in the world that's like when they make like comparisons with like white wide receivers

where it's just like oh like yeah like Cole Beasley. He kind of has a game like Julian Edelman. No, he's small and white. They're actually very different games. That's kind of what Cosby did. No, you're just a black man.

You're an old black man. Yeah, you're just a black man in prison. And you feel it's unfair. Nelson Mandela was straight up unfair. Cosby is right on the money. Can you imagine waking up every day before he was canceled being like another day went by me getting away with 75. That's what I wonder

if you wonder if he wakes up he's like that's the bullet. He checks his phone. He goes all right. We are in business. Camille can I get another order of my pills. I'm going out hunting. Yeah dude he's just a monster that cleaned off the streets.

So it's kind of like. That's good. But again, one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time. Yeah. I've never seen a Cosby show. I can separate it from the. One of the best shows of all time. The Cosby show is one of the greatest shows of all time.

If you didn't grow up watching it, it is fucking unbelievably good. What do you think? You ever been involved in joke stealing shit? And we steal your jokes. You got to pick on some people who do steal jokes. It seems like it's the fucking cardinal sin, you get, you ever been involved in like joke stealing shit and we steal your jokes, you get, you got to pay some people who do steal jokes.

It seems like it's the fucking cardinal sin, you know? Yeah, I've had jokes stolen. I've had jokes stolen. Say who, who did it?

Say who did it, say who did it, pussy, pussy, just fucking say it. Government name, say it. It's a big comic

and I don't have in the future, I don't have like proof that's like locked. That's always kind of where it is though, right? Like you can change the name. It's enough that I don't fucking, I don't fuck proof that's locked. That's always kind of where it is, though, right? You can change the name. It's enough that I don't fuck with a dude anymore.

Are we talking arena type guy? Close. Getting there. Getting close to arenas. But it was a joke where I did it fucking years ago on my first Conan. But I think it's a parallel thing. I truly think it's the defense. I do think it's a real thing, but I think it's parallel thing. I, I, I mean, I truly thinking is the defense. I do think it's a real thing,

but I think it's, it's such an easy, I just had this, I had this joke where Russians are the scariest white people. That's what I said. And I just do like, it was a real, it was a real story about when I was in the Bronx,

going to see my friend at the hospital and I went and saw him and I was going back to the train. Um, and his mom was like, are you sure you're cool to go to the train? You're a white dude. And I had like a Caesar cut. It's like, are you sure you're cool to go to the train? You're a white dude. And I had like a Caesar cut. I was like 07. I had this big, shitty brown jacket on from Burlington Coat Factory.

And I was smoking a cigarette and I was walking to the train. And like NASCAR jackets used to be big. People forget that in the hood. Black dudes used to love NASCAR jackets. Labels all over. Yeah, and fucking around the corner, three big ass black dudes wanting an M&M's jacket.

Yeah. And it was like all NASCAR things and they were like, what's up, man? What's up, man? You know, and I was like,

no problem, go to train. And they were like, no way. And I fucking walked by them and I was like, get the fuck out. What the fuck?

What the fuck? I didn't think it was gonna work. I was like, what the fuck? Holy shit. What the fuck? I remember smoking a cigarette in the stairwell of and I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck? I didn't think it was going to work. I was like, what the fuck? Holy shit. What the fuck? I remember smoking a cigarette in the stairwell of the train station like, how the fuck did that happen?

Did you know that or did it just come out? When you saw them? Well, I used to do, in high school, I would just do a shitty fake Russian accent with my friends and we'd just joke around about that shit. But were you ever like, if I'm in trouble, I'm going to pull out the Russian accent to scare people? Well, yo, I knew. Premeditated? I knew because my friend

that was in the hospital that was up in the Bronx was always, we were always joking around about the Albanians. Yeah, they don't fuck around. No one fucks with Albanians because they are,

I mean, you think Russians are like, don't fuck with the Albanians. And so that was, it was kind of like, I think I was more thinking like Albanian, but in the joke, I was like, oh, it's,

I told it to Nate. I told that story to Nate Pargetzi and kind of like, I think I was more thinking like Albanian, but in the joke I was like, oh, I told it to Nate. I told that story to Nate Pardeszi, and he was like, do that as a bit. Every funny. Like Nate is like, what are you doing, man? It's great Nate talk shit. He's like, if you don't do that as a bit, I don't think we can be friends. And then that bit got me live at Gotham on Comedy Central in 2009, and then I did it on Conan in like 2012.

It was like one of my oldest jokes. I was like, I'm going to do it. And then someone was like, yeah. What year was it stolen? 2017. So this is very recent. Yeah, 2017, I get a text. They're like, yo, someone did your Russian joke. And I was like, fuck, let me watch it.

Let me watch it. You almost hope it's not true. You're like, there's someone that had this on my brain. And I watched it, and I was like, it's mud it. You almost hope it's not true. You're like, I just don't even want to have this on my brain. And I watched it and I was like, it's muddied enough that I don't really know. I mean, was it a guy who almost got mugged by three people? Okay. No, it was more the second part of the joke,

which I was like rushing to the scariest white people. Right. And I was like, they don't, you know, it was just that whole thing. See now, I mean, that's. And they're kind of like, that could just be an observation. It wasn't like the same story.

You know, I, my buddy was once fucking an Albanian guy's wife. And we were all like. Your friend is a daredevil. Yeah, and we lived with him. So I was like, fuck you. Wait, you lived with the Albanian? No, no, no, no.

I lived with the guy who was doing it. So I was like, fuck you. We were all joking. We were at a hang. How hot was she? She was very hot. You mean like crazy hot? No, not that hot.

She was hot. And she was down. But hot enough. Not risk your life hot. You mean like crazy hot? No, not that hot. She was hot and she was down. But hot enough? Not risk your life hot. But hot, I don't know, man. There's something that just gets your fucking berries going. No, that's what he was about. There's some hot chicks just like, he's so dangerous. My husband has such bad temper and I love to give blowjobs.

I mean, I wouldn't have done it, but I also wasn't in his shoes i can't blame i can't blame him but we used to joke that we were gonna put signs on our room you know it was four guys in one apartment on my door being like i'm not the one i'm not the one like shoot this door yeah you know when you come to blow it like no you're good you're good okay that one oh dude but but that the joke was you know don't fuck with albanians so if i stood up and told the joke like that you know am I stealing that from you? It's like people know that Albanians are not to be fucked with. That's the weird thing.

That's where I became more, I was defending, you know, the person that everyone was saying stole it. I was like, I don't really think it is. It wasn't like beat for beat for beat. Right. But there is kind of a thing like in comedy where if you like do a joke and someone's like, oh, so-and-so has a joke like that you just drop it yeah just don't even like i was i was doing a joke about and i still am just about uh the worst childhood you have the better uh at sex you are as an adult it's just like a bad

childhood makes you great at sex as an adult walk me through that it's just i just said like i have abandonment issues which means i give i go down on women like i have abandonment issues, which means I go down on women. I have abandonment issues. I give please don't leave me head. But it is. All right, I get it. It's like the truth, man. I don't want to fuck someone that was coddled and loved their whole life. I want to fuck someone that got punched in the head for no reason.

Because they're just down to suck your dick while you're driving on the highway. You can finger pop them at a baseball game. Sure, there are people that are raised by married parents that are willing to do some crazy shit. Most of the time, if I'm looking for a wide receiver, I go to Florida. Right. If I want a linebacker, I go to Ohio. Right. You just go to certain places for certain things.

Certain wells, yeah. And then Mark Norman has a phenomenal joke about breweries that leads to that. And I was like, I saw that and I was like, I'm going to drop. That sucks though because it's just funny. But the stuff I said to you still works. There's just a part of his joke that I had a part of my joke that overlapped and I was like, no. Drop that part, yeah. Yeah, and he was going to do his on a late night, so I'm just like, cut it.

And then you just lose it. But I guess that's the difference, right? You're funny enough that you don't need that one joke where some people are like, well, that's one of like 10 that I got total, so I got to fucking roll with it. And that's what it is. When people start stealing jokes, you're kind of like, oh, you can't fucking – Come up with anything. You can't come up with anything, so you just steal this shit.

If someone steals one of my things, I'm kind of like, all right, unless it's a joke I'm doing right now, I don't give a fuck. If it's on a special, I got time stamped. It's on a special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is the line of thinking for someone? Like Dane got caught up in it and we kind of

briefly talked about it with him but like you're stealing a joke but you're already at an arena level so you already have talent so why would you steal one

that's kind of my what is their benefit to steal in the Dane situation with Louie it's a very mediocre joke I hate that joke I thought it sucked

you can name your kid anything and then you have the itchy asshole I'm going to name it a sound oh itchy asshole still yeah itchy asshole from Louie but everyone have the itchy asshole. I'm going to name it a sound. Oh, itchy asshole still? Yeah, itchy asshole. From Louie?

But everyone did an itchy asshole. Yeah, I mean, I've had an itchy asshole. And also Louie's joke about name your kid anything was great because I always remember it was ladies and gentlemen he wanted to name his kids. So when they were being bad,

he'd go, ladies and gentlemen, please. Yeah, it's one of those things, man, where I think they explained it the best on Louie, where Louie said that Dane was like a rocket ship and he was just pulling, he was just sucking shit into his engines to take off. But that didn't like Steve Martin do it before Louis?

I don't know. I never went back and watched Steve Martin. No thoughts are real. There's only so many jokes in the world. There's only so many ways you can do observational humor. That's why I try to do personal shit, man. You can't steal my childhood. You can't steal something that I went through. You might be able able to steal a joke but if we get to the same joke then i'll rearrange it and i'll go somewhere else so luckily you had a fucked up life man yeah

only child shit dude man but if you uh yeah if you had a real painful childhood you can it pays off in your mid-30s do you think about do you think that like a lot of comedians like that cigarettes on you don't worry he's gonna pay off one dude what do you think like most comedians are like that like had that fuck yeah we were talking about this we had kevin nealon in last night and he kind of dismissed the idea of it where he was like i learned to swim in greece and i learned to ski in the alps and i have parents that love me but no no no i don't mean with that i mean with he kind of we were talking about like like Brody Stevens and you know, obviously a lot of comedians meet,

you know, kill themselves or just beat the shit out of their body to the point they die. Yeah. And he was like, I don't think so. I think, I think that there are just as many comedians with mental problems as there are accountants. Uh,

I, I disagree with that. I mean, I don't want to disagree, you know, Kevin Nealon obviously is a fucking legendary SNL and been around forever. But I don't agree with that. I think a lot of –

But is it – Because you have to have that pain to find the humor. Yeah, there is. I mean there's like – there's a lot of ways you can look at it. But it is truly like if you're going to be funny, you have to have seen some dark shit. Because in order to turn dark shit into the funny, you have to see the dark shit or you're corny. Right. That's where corniness lives.

Corniness is like people trying to be dark. Whenever I see someone that's like, I'm trying to, I'm dark. You're like, you're a fucking dork. You're a dork. Because it's like the same way, it's the same way rappers talk about being hard from the streets. Either you just are from the streets or you're not. But some people act like they are and there's like some people that are when you find out they have like they grew up in real nice houses and they went to cranbrook he went to cranbrook and it is

like a thing of yeah man it's good to eat shit when you're a kid it's good to fucking uh if you're a comic and that's happened it helps you it just It just helps you. Cause you're like, I don't know. I, here's the way I explain comedians. There's like two types of comics. There are people that have learned how to do comedy, like a math formula, a plus B equals C. And if I add D, sometimes I get ease.

If I add F, sometimes I get G and they just work that formula and they're fucking great at it. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And they're unbelievable writers and so on

and so forth. Doesn't mean you have to have a fucked up childhood to be funny. But I'm saying there are kids that came from great lives, great families, learned how to write jokes. Everything's cool. They have a loving family. They're well balanced. And then there's the fucking wild dogs that fucking had to be funny

or we wouldn't survive. It was a fucking scapegoat for us to save ourselves mentally is to laugh at everything, to be like, this is fucking crazy. Dude, I remember a time when I was like, I want to say 15 or 16. If I wasn't like, if I wouldn't have laughed about that, I would be dead. I guarantee I'd be dead. Literally? Yeah, my dad, you know, my dad left when I was a kid,

but then he dies when I'm 14. I'm just in a real fucked up situation at home where my mom's boyfriend is my godfather, my dad's ex-best friend. He's just talking shit to me every day. I'm smaller than him, so I can't fight him. And then they're just getting drunk, and you're just watching that every day, just like, you're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking idiot. And then my sister dies when I'm 16, and then I'm just like filled with rage, but like not rage, also being funny all the time. I was just loud and funny, and I didn't give a shit.

I was like, yeah, fuck, I'll get stoned. Fuck it, this is hilarious. To laugh at that dark shit was... The only way to get through it, yeah. Yeah, but it just fucking, it made it okay, and it made it... I'm learning now, you know, I think comics need therapy. I think if you go that route, you need to go to therapy,

and you should not... Do you go? Yeah, every week. I try if you go that route, you need to go to therapy and you should not. Do you go? Yeah, every week. I try to go every week if I can. But because you go to that and you're like, oh, fuck, you get the it's not your fault moment. And you're like, oh, fuck, I didn't want that. But you're right. But it is, man.

I know some people that have like, and I think everyone's pain is different. I think everyone's pain is subjective. I think you can go through a divorce at eight years old and that can fuck you up more than anything I've been through. You know what I mean? But I got a gun put to my head in 04 and hog tied and pistol whipped. Funniest I ever was was at that lunch after I got robbed. All my friends at lunch were like, dude, you're killing right now. I'm like, I don't know how it is. I'm having fun. What's this way? Like being fun and doing shots and drinking beers and being like, yeah, I'm alive. Cause you, I think you, you when you eat shit you kind of know what shit tastes like so you appreciate

how other shit tastes yeah you're like oh this doesn't taste like shit i'm going to enjoy this now but that also is where you get in trouble and where you start doing substances and getting fucked up you know you get a little money you start getting drugs people want to hang out with you and you're just like yeah i was lucky enough to be an alcoholic when I was poor. And then when I got a little bit of money, I found out I could quit drinking, smoke weed and be, and have a good career. And I was like, that's what's up. You don't drink at all anymore?

Nah, man. Six years. Six years on March 8th. Yeah. No booze. I was a big booze hound. Loved it. My whole family's alcoholic. So I was, it was in the family business. Did you, you had like a rock bottom over you, you called it before that happened. Like you knew to get out. I had a couple of

moments where I was like, Ooh, buddy, we're getting a little too close here. One of them was, uh, DC 2013, January. I was, uh, did Conan. And then I flew to D.C. and it was football playoffs and the Niners were back in the playoffs and I got fucking hammered and I ordered, I blacked out and I ordered a chef salad from a

Chinese restaurant and got the worst case of diarrhea I've ever had in my life and was on the floor of the, I woke up, I was my life. And it was on the floor. I woke up. I was hungover the next day on the floor of my fucking hotel. Just moaning and then getting up and shitting. It was just terrible.

I mean, that does not sound fun. That's not that bad. That's not even a start. Okay. All right. And then I was like, I'm so sick. I don't know what. I got two shows tonight.

The NFL playoffs are on. I took a modium ad. I met my friend Luke who has since died from drinking in DC and we went to a bar at fucking noon and just got obliterated. I did two shows. I don't remember. I got on a fucking Accela train the next day, pretty much still blacked out the next day. And I got home and was like,

everything crashed. And I was like, this is, I can't live like this. I'm going to fucking, I'm in a dark, dark place. And then you had a couple,

I had a couple of those on the road and I was like, man, I can't fucking do that. And there's a lot of comics. That's dangerous on the road too. Yeah. When you're home and you have your home bar, you get back.

But if you're traveling around the country all the time, and people want to show you their city. Yeah. Every time you're in a city, they're like, come out. So one thing I miss about drinking is I don't think the staff likes me as much as they used to when I drank. They'd be like, dude, are we going out? I'm like, are we going out? Yes, until my body doesn't work anymore.

And then you just get fucking hammered. But now, you know, and I was still smoking weed the same amount I smoke now just with drinking. So when I pulled the drinking off and I stopped drinking, I was like, oh, shit. And I quit smoking cigarettes and then just weed now. And mushrooms sometimes. I like hallucinogenics. So are you considered sober if you smoke weed still? No, no, no.

AA wouldn't consider me sober. And I'm not sober. I get high. I fucking have a little escape. I always think of sober just just drinking yeah i never think yeah i mean stopping drinking was one of those things where it's the best thing i've ever done in my life yeah yeah man i mean i watched my dad die of cirrhosis when i was 14 he was 48 i'm like 35 now and i'm like dude that is close you're getting up there right because

everyone when i when my dad died everyone was like oh 48 that's so young i'm like oh dude, that is close. Yeah, you're getting up there, right? Because everyone, when my dad died, everyone was like, oh, 48, that's so young. I'm like, oh, he's a dad. That's like dad age. And then now I'm like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. It's like shuffleboard. I'm like, I'm fucking so close to the edge. Oh, god damn it. But I had a family, man.

I had a family that just died of drinking. Like, my dad died of drinking. My dad's dad died of drinking. I think his dad died. It's what we do. Yeah, yeah. On's what we do. On stage. I called myself the alcoholic Ken Griffey. The third,

I was like, I don't want to play baseball. I don't, I'm not in this fucking lifestyle. I don't want to go play for the Mariners. I want to fucking die. So yeah, I just quit drinking.

And I think there's a lot of comics that I, I think my generation of comics, everyone who's like 35 and under watch the guys guys who were older who had substance abuse problems. And we're like, oh, that got in their way. Same way that those guys watched comics from the 80s who were doing blow. And they're like, I'm not doing fucking blow. That ruined countless people's careers. So it's just like that kind of thing.

You just kind of be like, it's almost like steroids. That's what substances are in comedy. Where it's like the Lyle Alzado's in the 80s were just doing yak and they died. It's doing a bunch of blow. And then the 90s, it was like D-balls and shit like that. And now we're doing like some synthetic shit. We're like vaping weed oil. It just makes me a little creative.

And then I get a little sleepy. How often are you like running material? Just this past year, we started to really get a little sleepy. How often are you running material? Just this past year, we started to really get a lot more comedian comic guests and bigger names and shit. And we would interview, having with Bill Burr, having with Burt Kreischer, a couple big names. Ken Jeong. Ken Jeong, where we have a conversation with them. And then we watch their special or we see them that night on stage. And I'm like, you took that from our podcast.

We were just talking about it. And I realized they were running fucking material on me when I thought we were just like having a normal conversation. That's a weird thing because I think that's, I think that's more reserved for it. It really is. You guys are kind of like media, but I would always say when someone does a media appearance,

like a late night set and they're on panel, those are usually standup bits. Yeah. Like they, they, I mean, they're the best of the best. They just found such a way to weave it in seamlessly.

Bill Burr's the best at it. Yeah, it was a topic I brought up, so I was like, oh, this had to have been original that he then took and put in his set. Like, no, idiot. He found a way to put his set into your conversation. On the late-night shows, you can always tell. Like, they'll just, like, fucking get a softball lob.

Yeah. And they go, oh, you're dating your sister's friend, huh? And then, like... Jay Leno was always the worst at it. He's like, so, uh, some skiing. You're a big fan's friend, huh? Jay Leno was always the worst at it. He's like, so, uh, skiing. You're a big fan of skiing, right? He's like, oh, Jay, I love skiing. But yeah, it's just a thing that I think comics do

because when you have a radio show and you're doing stand-up or whatever, you're not going to prolifically write so you just have bits all the time. I like to just bullshit, and if I find my way into something i'll always preference it by like i say this on stage yeah the way i think about that because you're like if you come see me be like is he doing that but there is shit from the radio

show that uh we'll talk about that i'll go and do a stand-up bit about like jay and i jay and i he thinks it's the funniest thing in the world that when i was 12 years old i started smoking cigarettes but i was still playing with action figures. And he's like, dude, you have to do that as a bit. And then we talked about it on the radio show that I was like, I don't know. And then I started doing it as a bit. And I was like, well, fuck, it does work as a joke, too. So now, you know, it's kind of a thing of like fans of the bonfire.

See me do stand up like I know where this is going. But the people they are with, they don't know what I'm talking about. Does that get tough to always, to always repeat yourself? Yeah. That's why you hate jokes. That's why. That's why you're like, fucking, this thing sucks. But you're, but like comedians are so good at it where they can always do it.

I can't repeat myself. Like we do, you know, four different shows here. Or if I wrote a blog about it, I'll always say, you know, like I said in the blog, or like I said on the radio, or like I said on the run. That's what I do. Where it's. That's the way you do it. You just attribute.

But you have, but you like, i think it's better when you don't yeah it kind of kills it yeah well that's where like that's where the work is it's like finding something different a different angle or a different joke to be like but i also it's like uh you know well we do hear a little different words like what's your opinion on this and i'm not going to say something the opposite of it on another show yeah well i you guys said that already yeah it's a weird thing i think it's's just like that's where laziness comes in, where comics, you know, not that I'm not saying those guys are lazy from using that stuff.

It's quite the opposite. I'm saying like you can be lazy and just overdo it to where people are like, I've seen him talk about this. But like a Burr or Kreischer, you're not going to see that as much. You're just going to see like, oh, I think I saw him talk about this a little bit on that. And then by the time you see it on a special, that bit's going to be different. I certainly didn't think of it as lazy.

I actually thought I was like, these guys, I felt stupid. Yeah. Because I was like, these guys are on such a level where I thought I was just having a totally original conversation. And I was like, wow, he's really liking what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. You were getting played, bro. Like, he's running game on you. But it is, it's almost like you walked into a play.

Yeah, yeah. You're like, I got this guy set up right now for this. And I just didn't even. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting stuff, man. It's wild, dude. You're one of the funniest cats out there.

Thanks, man. We're going to go do some fucking dumb shit on video. How about that? Yeah. What are we going to do? I'm not going to have to go to the bathroom in front of anybody. Damn it. Well, never mind.

We're not doing it anymore. You piss. You piss sitting down. Oh, God. You ready for our tinkle cam? Yeah, I have to go. I have to go in front of everybody.

Promise not. Let's get out of here. All right. Big thanks to Dan Soder for coming through. Make sure you watch billions season four. That interview was brought to you by upstart. Applying for a loan is a lot like applying for a job that you don't get to interview for. That's doesn't make any sense to the system.

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