KFC Radio - Dan Soder & Shane Gillis: The Please Save Thibault Show

Episode Date: May 20, 2021

Subscribe, rate, share, and leave a review! Subscribe to watch on youtube: barstool.link/KFCRadio In possibly one of the funniest and darkest episodes we've had to date, Dan Soder and Shane Gillis stop by. We talk about cat murder, fake legs, which animal you could take in a fight, and so much more. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @DanSoder @ShaneMGillisYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to introduce to you the greatest show of all time. It was a slanderous episode with a bunch of cat murder. They sexually harassed the producer at one point, saying Tiger Woods was... I said Tiger Woods! I forgot you did that. I said Tiger Woods.

Ma'am, I'm sorry. I said Tiger Woods. I'm sorry I brought this monster. I said Tiger Woods. I'll bring this whole company down. Do you love mayo? Of course you do. Oh, oh, Kevin. I'm not going to change my voice, but boy, do I love mayo.

Barry White over here. You might get the mayo endorsement yourself, man. We're trying to find the new mayo man, the new face of mayo. Maybe it's not the face of mayo. Maybe it's the voice of mayo. I think if there's a voice of mayo. It's this. It's this voice right here.

It's deep and smooth, right? It's thick and velvety. Yeah, very velvety. It's getting deeper and deeper. Damn, I'm getting hot'm getting hot i think it's starting to turn me on as well just like a nice you sound like holtz fucking mayonnaise does i mean stop the search stop the fight craft mayonnaise has been looking for a new face of mayo and i think we just found it i'd happily give it out 10k you could have just got 10 grand

oh i'd happily be the face of mayonnaise. I mean, they're asking for passion. You had it. I have it. Originality. I have it. No one else is doing a voice. And overall, amazing personality. I mean... I paid for it. Yeah. I mean, if you love Mayo as much as John,

I don't know if that's possible. If you can do voices like that better than John, I don't know if that's possible. Starting May 20th, you'll get the chance to vote on eight finalists to find the face of Mayo. If you want to be a finalist, you got to follow them on Twitter and Instagram at Real Craft Mayo and start submitting videos and explaining why you should be the new Mayo man. Remember, the old Mayo man was the guy just shoveling it into his mouth. So if you want to be that guy, get 10 grand, be the new face of Mayo, be on their social media, be on their commercials. You put up these,

these videos and use the hashtag craft Mayo endorsement, like endorsement, but Mayo endorsement. And then the fans will vote on you May 20th. And if you're not going to be in the finalists, but you want to vote on the next face of Mayo, you can do that too. Eight finalists to be the face of craft mayonnaise.

So make your videos, submit it. If you want to get the Mayo endorsement vote too eight finalists to be the face of craft mayonnaise so make your videos submit it if you want to get the mayo endorsement vote on the finalists if you want to have a say in who the new face of mayo is and eat your craft mayo on your sandwiches on your burgers on your fries on your dips on whatever else because mayo is the king of condiments kfc radio KFC Radio. Oh, oh. Okay, let's press record. Let's just fucking do it. Nice. We got Gillis and Soder. A couple of dirt balls are here.

What's up, buddy? Just the way it's supposed to be. What's up, buddy? I haven't seen you guys in person-person since 2019. Years ago. Years. It's been years. It's been years.

It's one of those things that's so obvious, but someone tweeted the other day, like, last time I was in school, I was a high school senior, and now I want to be a college sophomore. And I was just seeing it, and we're like, wait, holy shit, that's actually fucking weird. It's been years, man. Losing that awkward freshman year of college must have sucked for a lot of kids. There could be like three years of freshmen now. Yeah, you're coming in sophomore year with a real freshman identity. I didn't think of that at all.

Kids are all sorts of fucked up now, I bet. What do you think, coach? I'm chilling. This is good. Last time we tried to record an episode, just us two. Crap. Really? I've never had this happen. I've never had this happen. What happened?

Well, I had it happen, but with other people who were just not funny, or I was like, I didn't expect it. Me and Shane recorded it, and it just sucked. Was there hang-ups? Was there weird moments? It was just stuff neither of us wanted to talk about. It was also like, yeah, there was some

things we said. Oh, so you guys cut the mics, and you were like, we shouldn't have done that. Yes. Yeah, and then it was funny. Now you gotta release that episode. Well, one day we'll put it on the table. Dude, fucking me and old sucker-faced Feidelberg over there. This guy looks like he's getting lot lizards by the way.

He's just getting sucked off in a cab in a triple T station. Dude, you, yeah. Feidelberg gets down. Feidelberg looks like, Feidelberg's mustache makes him look like he has questionable videos on his phone. They're the videos that he fucking makes. They're my videos.

Yeah, but like. No, but I'm saying like. He's drinking protein shakes with his shirt off and just. Yeah. As he tells you the word of the day. It is. I think Dan meant a different kind of video. I got all of them.

I got all of them. I meant child pornography. No, I know what he meant. I got fucked up ones and I was also just talking about different ones. I think that you know the deal of porn. I thought you were going to jump in. No, I'm coming. I'm coming.

You talk child porn? I'm in. I thought you were about to bail me out, dude. This podcast is going to be two black bars over our eyes, and our voices are going to be like, you mean the sweetest kind of porn? I was, dude. This podcast is going to be two black bars over our eyes and our voices are going to be like, you mean the sweetest kind of porn? I was, yeah. I've been jerking off to... Oh man, that is not a transition.

We'll cut that out nice. What have you been jerking off to? No, just like, you know, you see one where it's like 18 year old gets to play, then you're like, alright, this is weird. You get a little older. The barely legal thing starts to get like... Oh, that's a dicey... I know it's a hack premise, but it's like

this is almost child porn. Yeah. It's popular. No, I hate it. That's called check the milk porn. You have to check the date and be like, alright, this is still good. I can still roll with this.

You never see like 27-year-olds. You know, it's never like 27-year-old gets his back blown out. Lady out of a breakup porn. You like mature naturals. I love big naturals on MILFs. Dude, I had a friend. I love big. I had a roommate who would jerk off for two hours at a time.

And he would watch. Yeah. He'd come home from work. Would he edge? Was he like sting? Yeah. Was he like tantrum? Yeah, like he'd take breaks.

He'd come out and get like a beer like full mass. No. He'd be like, dude, I'm building it up. Finally, this is a random roommate. This is a good friend. Yeah. That is an appalling behavior. And he would only, it's absolutely appalling.

Just seeing the fucking silhouette of your roommate's hard cock as he gets up. Whoa. Fun light out of the fridge. At what point did he explain he was doing this? At what point was he like, hey, dude, just to let you know, I audio my fucking cum. It took three, no, our second apartment. So we lived together for probably over a year before I was finally like, bro, what do you do in there for so long when you get home? And he's like, I jerk off.

But what is he literally just like, you know? I guess he'd fucking almost come and he'd stop. Is it super slow? There's a lot of that. Not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet. Dude, one time he took a shower in the middle of it. And I'm like, I could see him walk across the hallway. Did not wear towels or anything.

Just hard dick out. Walk across the hallway. did not wear towels or anything, just hard dick out. Walk across the hallway. It's weird. Jump in the shower and just go back to his room hard dick. And he would only watch amateur MILF POV blowjobs. That was his. That was. What a specific.

A lot of boxes checked on that one. It's as incredibly as you can get. Amateur MILF POV blowjob. All right. Does he cut the video where he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, there's a cameraman in there. You don't look like you actually have kids. You're not a real milk. He does boner torture.

Yeah. So he just likes to torture. But when he would come, would it be like a massive release? A Tom Segura bucket? Would you ask him? Yeah. I honestly had never asked load size. Really? I honestly had never asked load size.

If I have to deal with his erections in the house, I want to know what are you producing? Show it to me. Bring it out in a cup. You want me to show it? Show me why you're building it up that much. That's got to be a massive nut. I mean, I can find out for you Text him right now How much did you come back in the day

I feel like it's one of those Science fair volcanoes When you put the power I didn't know you were gonna be so crass Yes You brought me in for a sexual nature Soda came in hot man Sweatshirt without a hood

It's very sexual Crew neck is for sex talk Shut up dude Dude, sweatshirt without a hood, it's very sexual. Crewneck is for sex talk. Shut up, dude. Shut the fuck up, dude. Yeah, dealing with someone else's boner is... The babes are here, dude. Shut up. Shane's playing to the babes in the room.

There's barstool babes, dude. They're everywhere. Like I said, dirt balls are here. I don't think I could even jerk off for two hours if I tried. There's nothing more depressing than when you come too quick when you're jerking off. I'm convinced now that my style of jerking off has given me premature ejaculation. Because you go so fast? I just do it like I'm not enjoying it. I haven't enjoyed jerking off in like 10 years.

It's a scientific process. It's just like. Are you doing like quick draw with your mustache? It's just like medical release. It's just like you're over the toilet. It's like gross. If we put like a thick Wyoming accent on him while he's talking about it. That's crazy.

Freak out. Send him to jail. He's getting like a different angle on me. He's like trying to look at you. I got to pull it out. I got to pull it out I gotta pull it out before it causes some problems sometimes the old lady will be at the store

and she's gotta quickly pull it out of me yeah how quick are we talking fucking fast bro how fast cause I'm just watching like fucking cause I don't even have time to go to porn I'm just looking at fucking, because I don't even have time to go to porn. I'm just looking like, I'm just like looking at Twitter.

You're on Twitter? He's like, oh, what a fucking good joke. What a good joke. Oh, retweet. Oh. I'll specifically search out a porn star's Twitter and just like scroll her timeline and just be like, all right, I'll just kind of fire out real quick. And then I'm just done.

Under a minute? Under a minute for sure, Kevin. Wait, is that hard to nut? These are tiny loads. Oh, yeah, it's just a little... A little squirt. A little squirt gun. Are you... And that's hard

to nut? Yeah. Instead of soup to nuts, it's hard to nut. So you get the phone out. You get the phone out. You open up Twitter. Are you soft or hard? Like, that's like going, yeah.

It's like, I didn't even want to do this. He just got up on his own. And, like, I just got to figure it out. And by the time you get your Twitter porn star ready, you're fully hard. Yeah. And by the time you find a tweet, it's over. I'm not trying to encourage this. But I'm saying this skill could, you could be a guy that jerks off in public with the way, you could be a train jerker.

Get a trench coat, man. Yeah. Oh, I could be a train, I'd get caught eventually, but I'd be one of those prolific ones like, he robbed 86 banks by the time they caught me. Yeah, he'd just be like, on the D train, he'd be like, I came! And then the doors would shut and you'd be gone. Yeah, they'd make movies about it. He, like, we didn't even know. We were on his tail for years, and we just

couldn't catch him. You can do a thing where you can walk around and then be done coming. Gilles, what is happening right now? Should we leave? Now just imagine what this episode was without these two. That's what it was. I think I'm giving full credit to the mustache right now. That's what the was. I think I'm giving full credit to the mustache right now.

That's what the episode was. Back to your guys' episode, was it stuff that wasn't sexual, obviously? It wasn't tawdry? No, that would have been odd. If it was just me and him in this room. Just be like, God, how do you know him? Real quiet. What do your hoes look like?

I love to kiss I like kissing dude oh look at you touching knees now now we're just going we're fucking breaking barriers you know I like kissing dude you brought it up

my favorite thing is I told you not to tell anybody that man stop talking about soft lips KFC Radio Big news from the Roman front. Roman has been down with us for a while now. They are one of those internet companies the same way we are.

And, you know, when we got into brick and mortar stores, it was always a big deal, right? We got like ATI into Walmart and Target and stuff. I was like, wow. Urban Outfitters, Sazvoz, and ATI Urban Outfitters. Yep. Olympia Sports. Oh, where all the greats are. Shout out New England Regional Athletic Stores.

Well, now. I believe we're in Sports Authority as well. Yeah. The Blood, Sweat, and Beards back in 2013. Right, right. Sports Authority. That's a big deal. When you go from internet to real life, it's kind of like a status thing.

Well, Roman is now available at Walmart. Oh, wow. Yep. And that means you can get everything. You can getoms what i think roman rubbies you mean it should be it should be like truly like roman condoms though like it should have like caesar on the front it should have like roman architecture on the wrapper and stuff or you or you roll it on your dick and it makes it look like a roman column remember i do you remember learning that in school corinthian tops? I remember the word.

There was certain tops. I only remember Gothic architecture. Yeah, but that's what I mean. We know these terms for some fucking reason. Imagine if that was your dick. Imagine if they had the lubricated... What am I thinking of? The ribs. But they were long.

They would be on that column. I wonder how that would work. Oh, you mean vertical ribs instead of horizontal ribs? Yeah. Interesting. Would your dick twist like a rifle barrel? They should do that. They should make condoms like crazy. What if you fucked a girl with a spiral condom while you had a spiral condom on?

Would you just spin as you fucked her? Like a corkscrew. Like a bullet coming out of a rifle. Like you... Imagine if you had your... It's almost like if you were on of a rifle like you you imagine if you had your your your imagine if it's almost like if you were on a on a spinning board you know and you spin it you know what i mean yeah if your dick was to be the place of like weight and your whole body your whole body yeah her whole body would spin and then she had she'd have to push it out and

then it spins back spins back and then it's it's a real it's a real um you would really be screwing i'm trying to think certes ole of sense yeah yeah you're really fucking you know when like you're watching a show and they can't say like uh like the clean version they can't say you fucked me like you screwed me can i say something i'm happy you brought that up i've been so tired this week that i've been taking i took i took an uber home into work every single day this week yeah oh you mean physically tired not you're not like fed up Oh, you mean physically tired. You're not fed up with something. You're physically tired. Physically exhausted.

And I was listening to terrestrial radio for the first time in forever or whatever, regional radio for the first time in forever. And I think they've just stopped bleeping words. Yeah? Like, it's bleeped. In a song you're talking about? But we're bleeping, like, a letter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's like, fuck. And I'm like, just say fuck. Like, everyone, literally everyone knows. Dude, there was a song. I don't know what the song that they were playing in the Uber was, but it was when I fuck without a condom and know that I'm a nut in her. And it was like, so when I fuck without a condom and I know that I'm a nut in her. And it was like, and so when I fuck without a condom and I know that I'm a nut in her.

And I was like, I was like, I was like, this is raunchy as shit. And it was, I forget the song. It was on like a pop station because before it was Rihanna

or something like that. I'd never heard it, but he definitely talked about fucking without a condom and definitely about nutting in her. I mean, when they say like you screwed me, I think of like you screwed me over, you know?

Yeah. I'm going to screw you. I don't think you're going to fuck me. No. But anyway, Roman Connors. Roman Connors. Roman Connors. Roman Connors, they also should have designs on them.

Like, you could look like a different dick. Like a... I don't know. If you wanted to have a black dick, you wanted a white dick. If you wanted to have a... Oh, color copies. Like a baby dick, you wanted to have... No, no, no.

You know what I mean? Like a nice little vasculi. Yeah, like a full... Not just like a color. Like a Snickers bar. Like a big thing. Yeah. Say you got an uncircumcised dick and you wanted to have a circumcised dick and wanted to look like a circumcised dick. Roll one of those on. Mask... Maskums. Yeah.

Con masks. Con masks. Casks. Dick masks. They're just dick. Get your dick masks at Walmart. Dick masks. They're just dick. Get your dick masks at Walmart. Dick masks that'll catch your cum. It is funny that, like, it is funny. I know we've come up with better things.

We've come up with the pill, and now there's the patch and all these things. But tried and true, and the system we still work with, is throw a bag over the dick and catch the cum before it comes out. Let's just make sure we catch that cum. I think the female condom is even funnier. It's like literally taking a plastic shopping bag and just jamming it up there. I've never even seen one of those. It's huge.

I've just never seen one. Imagine a giant condom. I think I'd like to use one one day. Yeah, I think so too. I want to give it a whirl. I want to give it a try. That and the dental dam. I want to go down on a girl. Oh, the dental dam for your mouth. Just crazy. It's like putting a balloon over your

pussy. Yeah, don't worry. That's the only way any of your vaginal juice is going to go. It's right on the tip. That's how I eat a pussy. I'm going to get some up my nose. That's what that is? I had no idea what that was. I thought it was a female con no

there's dental dams a different thing it's like a tongue condom it's just like uh no no it doesn't go on your tongue oh it doesn't i think it goes on your pussy but i i don't know i'm not sure because dental would imply you put on your mouth yeah unless it's like no this is like to protect your mouth but my point is if you got something wrong with your pussy i'll end up with that on my forehead yeah i'll get it i'll get it in my ears i'll get i'll get like herpes on my ears i'm all up in there i have to blow my nose after i oh i saw the I saw a great viral tweet and it said alright I'm just gonna say it

we can't breathe when we eat y'all's pussy okay you ever try to go down on a girl when you got a cold it ain't happening I swear to god

no lie one time I had nasal spray postmates to my house so that I could go down on the chick and she called it the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for her because i was like i i mean i was i was clogged i was

blocked there was no oxygen getting in this schnoz and i was like i'm gonna be down there i will not be able to breathe and so i got it did it and she was like did you get it delivered and i was like well i gotta be don't go down on you and she was like it's like you're a real one uh but so yeah you can get the roman condoms they get the roman swipes those are the medicated swipes they're no no prescription necessarily rub it on your dick helps you last longer in bed uh they also have multivitamins with 23 nutrients that's helped to optimize your overall well-being they've got the hair supplements the dick supplements the uh the exercise healthy diet uh all these supplements that help you uh everything just be a healthy man and you can get

it all at walmart today uh so go visit your local walmart kfc radio oh wait do you like kissing in real life or kissing in porn all of it dude you like kissing in porn. All of it, dude. You like kissing in porn? No, I hate kissing in porn. Kiss is the weirdest reward. It's like, I've come around on kissing in porn. I'm like, oh yeah, kisses are good. What? It's the tongue flick? It's the tongue flick?

You want to watch another guy kiss? Sloppy shit? I don't know where I'm trying to go with this. I'm trying to make a joke. I don't have it. I'm like, I don't know. I'm trying to go with this. I'm trying to make a joke. I don't have it. I'm like, I'm like, I don't know. Like, yeah, they zoom in real close. It was just going to get weird or be happy.

I pulled the shoot when I did. Porn kissing is not real kissing. Porn kissing is always like the tongue flicking. Yeah, that's like wiggling back and forth. It's just pussy eating in a mouth. They should do old married kisses. Okay, bye. You know how rich married kisses where they're like, okay, bye. You know how rich people kiss

and they barely touch lips? Okay, you ready to fuck my ass? Get in there. I'm going to fucking cum. I'm going to fucking bust. Okay. That's got to be a category. Rich people kissing?

Over and over again. Yes, dude, 100%. Wait, are you saying old people or rich people? Anybody. Let's give be a category. Rich people kissing? Old people kissing over and over again. Yes, dude, 100%. Wait, are you saying old people or rich people? Anybody. Let's give it a whirl. Kiss porn? Kiss porn. We're going to have Heidelberg popping in 30 seconds.

I'm just going to search Heidelberg. Yeah, dude, we get them all riled up. You know what the worst is when you open Pornhub in front of your boys and they see your recommendeds? You know what your boys can recommend? I don boys and they see your recommendeds. You don't want your boys to see your fucking recommendeds. I don't want to see my recommendeds. Why are you into kilts, though? All right, I'll tell you this. This is a – I got – so look, I like young babes.

I mean – And somehow the algorithm decided that I liked a genre of porn that was just like hot studs. I don't know. There's a category of like a hot guy. Hot guy's fuck. Oh, I recommended Big Cock. Yeah, I don't like this. What are you doing?

Why are you guys mixing my recipe up? I ain't no queer. I ain't no damn queer. Did you ever see Julio with his massive penis? What are you trying to tell me? You talking to Google? What did Google say? What did Google say?

Google say I was gay because I asked if the switcher was gay? Is Google telling you I might be gay? Fuck you guys. Stop talking. Is it Twitter? Is it liking gay stuff? Bitch, Alexa. Yeah, dude.

If it sees stud in the recommended. Hey, Google, play Wham. You get all born of it. It's like, yo, you're gay. Jesus Christ. I would feel offended on a- It's good to have people back in here. This would never happen over Zoom.

Imagine if you were sitting in your own apartment talking about this while we do it over the computer. I don't think that works. I've always thought about what my neighbor through pandemic has heard. There's a specific room you do podcasts in and the neighbors, it might just be a little kid's room,

I think, next to me. And that's all I'm like, all right, bring that video up, you asshole. All right, Jay, slow it down on the bonfire. That's how the exorcist started. What?

The girl was like, this is my friend. He talks to me. Oh, yeah. It was just a kid that was like, there's a demon through the wall. She's getting, she's getting that.

Oh, yeah, you like that? Oh, well, I started watching wrestling when I was a kid. She's in there yeah You like that Oh well I started watching wrestling When I was a kid She's in there responding Yeah And I got her tied up to the bed Yeah anyways

So check out my special I did think about that for a while I didn't think about it too much When I was still in New York Then when I went home for a bit And I would just do podcasts where I was whispering. My mom was downstairs having a cup

of tea. I was like, I don't know. I like when they kiss a lot more. And then you come upstairs and she takes out his big hard cock. Is the kissing my fault? Do you like it because I kissed you on the lips until you were 15?

Probably because she didn't kiss. Oh, yeah. No, Mom, shut up. Shut up. She made you hurt. So what's my search bar says mommy kisses? So what? That's what they're recommending me.

Sounds pretty good. Yeah. Mommy kisses? If I could watch a video of just a guy with salt and pepper hair going, hey, good job. Dad reassurement porn you've done a really good job and you worked real hard take it easy on yourself and you're like i'm gonna fucking lose it oh i got emotional this uh i did tampa yeah down there got him i cried on the plane watching moneyball yeah i don't know what happened it'll get on the plane watching Moneyball. Yeah! Watching Moneyball. Moneyball got me. I don't know what happened.

I was on the plane. I was just like. No, no, no. When in the movie? When I started winning. I was doing like the hold your breath. When the eggs got swept in the first round. I call that the tea kettle.

Where you're like. Yep, yep. It was during the streak. I was just like. I'm trying to think what I got. When fucking Hattieborough hits a home run. I was just like... I'm trying to think what I got. When fucking Hattieborough hits a home run. I was just like... KFC Radio.

How much money do you think I made on Cameo? How much money have you made on Cameo? Yeah. Well, lifetime. Which is about, almost like, maybe a year and a half now. I want to guess $15,000. You're damn close. $15,000. You're damn close. $14,075.

That's a pretty good guess, John. That was really fucking good. Although if we are going to go Price is Right rules, you are over, so you lose. But yeah, I've done 505 cameos for a total of $14,000. And that's the kind of cash you can make on the side if you want to be a Cameo creator. And also if you want to just be a Cameo purchaser. It's a great gift. I mean, I do so many birthdays. I do so many anniversaries.

I did get. I got my dad. I think it was Father's Day or birthday. I forget exactly what it was. I got him. I got him a John Hanna Cameo. John Hanna Patriots offensive lineman legend. And John Hanna was one of the best cameos.

It was an eight-minute cameo. Wow. He just came in from the ranch or wherever he was, came in and just started talking about his sons. It was unbelievable. I mean, you get your money's worth. That's why people who take it seriously uh i'm one of them like you get really good uh good funny videos i'm trying to

find this i did get one guy who asked me to do like uh he asked me to like berate him and like he's like you know call me a little stinky little bitch oh yeah yeah i didn't do that one no that's not worth 50 bucks that's have some standards, you know. But, I mean, the amount of, like I said, birthdays and anniversaries and, like, you know, this person just graduated. This person got a new job. So anybody, anytime you've got something to celebrate or you got, like, a little funny gift that you want to give somebody, Cameo is perfect, man. It's personalized. You can get a lot of your favorite stars.

I mean, listen to some of the people who are on this list captain clancy i was gonna say it myself oh where are you okay snoop dog floyd mayweather chris tucker caitlin jenner david hasselhoff lindsey lohan tony hawk and ice cube i will give a better cameo than all those motherfuckers floyd mayweather i can't even talk snoop dog will do better than me chris tucker would probably do better than me i would definitely definitely do better than Caitlyn Jenner. I would do better than David Hasselhoff. I'll definitely do better than Lindsay Lohan. Tony Hawk's pretty fucking cool, and Ice Cube's pretty cool.

Whatever. Anyway, we've got weddings. It's wedding season. It's Father's Day. We just missed Mother's Day, but, you know, the season. Father's Day's a good one. Because your dad won't understand how you got it. He'll be like, are you friends with him?

And also, I can tell you being on Cameo, and I think a lot of other people who are on this would agree. If someone said to me, like, this is a gift from my dad, I'll give you an eight minute. I will fucking give you a full podcast. He actually, he got like really poetic with it because I never said my dad's name. I was just like, I forget. You have so many characters to say the message. I was like, we'd love to, my father's a huge Patriots fan, huge fan of you.

We'd love to, you know, if you could just wish him a happy birthday, wish him a happy Father's Day, blah, blah, blah. And John Hanna was like, and you know, Mr. Fidelberg, and everyone told me your name, because that's just not how kids think about us, is it? That's not how our boys think about us. We're just dads.

I love it. If you want more NFL stars, there's Drew Brees, Lamar Jackson, Dennis Rodman. You can get a good one from Dennis Rodman. The Ball Brothers, LeVar and Lonzo. So dad and son, David Ortiz, Big Papi, Albert Pujols.

Hey man, you just got DFA'd. You want to make a video for a few bucks? So, go to Cameo.com and you can request aujols. You can be like, hey, man, you just got DFA'd. You want to make a video for a few bucks? So go to Cameo.com, and you can request a personalized video. You can also just download the app. I recommend just doing it off your phone. And don't just buy a gift. Make a Cameo. Go to Cameo.com. KFC Radio.

We had a guy here. He cried at Jimmy Fallon. He was at Jimmy Fallon when Jimmy Fallon came out. He wasn't on the show. He was in the audience. Wait, you're telling me he was that big of a Jimmy Fallon fan? He's a notorious crier. He cries at everything.

But I was like, okay, I get it. You cry at sports moments. You have a big family. You all cry, all this shit. But crying at Jimmy Fallon is the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. Moneyball is a close-up game close that money was good no dude crying in a plane crying in a plane is a thing rich voss has a whole theory about crying on a plane he looked it up and he said scientists say that you you're you're more likely to cry or get emotional in the air in a plane for some

reason that makes sense which i've been ripped open by multiple movies, including the Mr. Rogers documentary. And A Place Beyond the Pines made me openly cry on an overnight flight. I openly cried into my hands. I think I cried to fucking the Beauty and the Beast live reaction. Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? It's a beautiful story. Oh, The Greatest Showman? When he stops raping her and kidnapping her?

I definitely cried to that. You cried to The Greatest Showman? I cried to The Greatest Showman on a plane. What about Barnum and Bailey? Not only did I cry on that flight, as soon as it ended, as soon as we were going to LA, we restarted it. I watched it right again.

Really? You ran it back? You're like, I've got to watch that guy torture tigers again. I could have watched him rip the teeth out of old black women and say that was something he actually did. Was he George Washington? him rip the teeth out of old black women and say that that was something he actually did. Was he George Washington? He ripped the teeth out of this old black woman who they said was the oldest woman alive. And it was just some woman whose teeth he'd ripped out.

Yeah. What a weird thing to pitch. The Hugh Jackman version is a lot more fun. No one talks about how wild circuses must have been in the 20s. That was a thing. Kidnapping people and making them- Yeah, you're like, you want to watch me pull this lady's teeth out? She's the oldest woman in the world.

The better attraction is not come see the oldest woman in the world. It's come see me rip the teeth out of this woman's head. It was. And then Carney's just got a bad rap. It's like, yeah, I've been tortured for 40 years. I dried meth. I'm sorry I have a beard, but I've been locked away in captivity for Jesus Christ. But specifically in the 20s when they could just go with wherever they wanted,

they were like, hey, I'm starting to think about doing this traveling show. And it's a bunch of elephants that we kick the shit out of. And then it's a bunch of weird people. I'd like to see the footage of those guys just teeing off on those elephants. Like a stick. They're up there, dude. of those guys just teeing off on those elephants. Like a stick. They're up there, dude. Figure out how to dance. Yeah.

Fucking hit it. Paw. Figure it out. Paw. Hit them until something happens. Also, like, trying out what works for abuse. You know, this pool cue does nothing. And then one of those things going wild in an old town.

It's like an air ball on the ground. Oh, God. Oh, no. That's how traveling shows started. They just tore a town down. Everyone's dead. You guys are also talking about my recommended sidebar on YouTube. Elephant stomps trainer.

It's my favorite. They're the best. No, here's the best one. For real. Indians and then jaguars get lost in their towns. And then the whole town comes out. So there's thousands of people and a Jaguar just pops out. They all just go on them.

What an ad. And run. Ah, shit. And then it hides in someone's house. Are you telling me I can just YouTube Indian Jaguars? Yes, and then there's two great ones. There's a Jaguar that pops out of a roof. It's so funny.

And then there's one where it's just at a pool. And it's just tagging dudes. It's trying to run through a roof. It's so funny. And then there's one where it's just at a pool. And it's just tagging dudes. They're trying to run. Oh, I've seen this roof one. This roof one's unbelievable. Watch the roof one because the first guy swings a stick at it. And it's the best thing that works. The lowest effort you've ever seen.

They're not paying attention. Yeah, look at that. There's guys looking away. Look at this. I mean, it's a whole town effort. It really takes a village to kill a jaguar. Jaguars are too agile. Yeah, I mean, you can't fucking...

A jaguar is going to win 100 times out of 100. Holding that door. By the way... I can understand anyone yelling weird in that video because there's no way I would be cool around a jaguar on a roof. I'd be like, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, guys. Fucking jaguar.

Fucking jaguar. There's a guy sitting next to the hole that it pops out of, looking the other way. When it pops out, he's like, oh, shit. He just swings his stick not even close to it. And he does a bat flip, dude. He swings it I thank god you don't live in a place

like that huh dude being surprised by nature just walking up would nature be an issue oh that's another one of my favorites

with the monkey hiding in I don't know where this one is but the monkey's hiding in an alleyway who just he just runs out

and jumps on anyone and then hides back in the alleyway and it's like this jumps on anyone and then hides back in the alleyway. And it's like, this sounds like people just kind of like slowly trying to figure out if the monkey's going to be there that day. Dude, just go with like two coffees for work and you're like...

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Ah! I knew it was an alleyway. Son of a bitch! Goddamn dirty ape! Yeah, dude. Man, I think I've put a lot of thought into it, and I think 80% of animals could fuck me up if they were mad at me.

80? Oh, I think that's a low number. This is a question we've done. Like, what's the... How do we word it? What's, like, the biggest... The fiercest animal you think you could take? Shit.

Like an angry raccoon? You think you could beat up a raccoon? Yeah. Whale on a raccoon. But here's the thing about raccoons, you're not... With your bare paws? If they come at you,

you'd have to get it. But here's the thing, you'd have to be cool with getting bit and scratched a bunch. Your hands are going to get ripped up. Of course. And you're confident

you're not going to be like, ah, get away. Well, I mean, I'd definitely do that, but is this a fight to the death or is this just... I'm not going to kill a raccoon if I run into one. Right, right. I mean, like, it's a fight to the death? Yeah, it's a fight to the death. I'm not going to kill a raccoon if I run into one. Right, right.

I mean, like, it's a fight to the death. That would be a weird vow to make in your life? I'm not going to see a raccoon and be like, there's that motherfucker. We're just with Shane going on a hike, and he's like, hey, guys, hold this real quick. Told you, motherfucker. He's pulling out of the bush. Holy shit, Shane just killed that raccoon. He's pulling out of the bush. Holy shit. Shane just killed that raccoon.

He's like. Dude, there was a family of them at this radio station I worked at in Tucson. No, they're not. I love them. I would only get a parking spot when I come in for my shift. It'd be like 6 p.m. Right by the dumpster where they would all congregate at night. Yeah, the dumpster dumps.

And then at night, it was Arizona, so you'd want to leave your windows down because it was so hot. I'd be high as shit. It's so scary. Dude, I'd always get into my car. Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me you would park next to a family of raccoons and leave your windows down?

I'd be a crack. I mean, that's just right. You're concocting the worst possible recipe to end the workday. I'd crack the window, right? And I'd never learn my lesson. Because then they would be like. They would all be eating there with their little fucking human hands.

They're the best. And they're all like. And then they'd be under my car sometimes. Somebody being afraid of them in your car. Like, oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. I would come out, right?

I would come out in the parking lot at 3 a.m. at the end of my shift. And I would smoke a cigarette at the door to hype myself up. Here we go. Go time. Stomp it out, and I'd be like. And then in one movement, I'd try to open the door, like, turn it on, and look around. But sometimes they'd be under my car, but they never got my feet.

But I was always worried. It's just that. Have you seen the video of the raccoon whisperer? No, but I feed him hot dogs. Oh, with all of them? Like 40 every night and he just throws tons of hot dogs and grapes and shit and they're like

little human... We always used to send each other the one where the guy gets bit. He goes, hey, come here. They're fucking vicious. But I, you know, I think I could take it. If I had to go full-on survival mode, I would just grab that head and bonk it.

I think I'd just have to bonk it a bunch. I feel like you'd grab that tail. I think you'd rip that tail off. But then if it slid out, I'd absolutely be like... If it got out of my grasp. Like when you put sand in your hands, it's like seaweed outside of the water.

You would crush a raccoon. Yeah. You would crush. Coyote. Coyote would crush. Coyote. You would crush. Coyote will fuck you up.

It will fuck you up. You're going to get fucked up by all these animals. I would have to do a forearm. I'd have to have him get my forearm. I think you have to. Control him like that. You got to get it down its throat. You can't even just get it.'d have to have him get my forearm. I think you have to control him like that. You've got to get it down its throat. You can't even just get it.

You've got to get your whole hand down. You've got to rip its stomach out. These are animals. You guys are naming small animals you can definitely squeeze. How big is a coyote? I think of a coyote as almost like the size of a wolf. It's like a small dog. My dog is 40 pounds.

I'd say a coyote is about 40 pounds. Come on. They can get big, but yeah. Could you take a wolf? Coyotes are like fierce as fuck. Wolf's tough. Come on, bro. You cannot take a wolf.

Shane's a big guy. No. There is no fucking shot you could take a wolf. I can't. Do I get a weapon? You're spot on with coyotes. You could cross the border. I mean, coyotes, adult coyotes are 15 to 46 pounds.

Bring it. And if you give me a fucking Louisville. No, they're not. It's about the nose. They don't stop coming forward. He's right. They do. They're shitty.

There's coyotes behind my house, dude. My cat stands up to them. Yeah? Yeah. The coyotes. Tybalt. Tybalt. Tybalt the cat.

The prince of cats. Oh, this is funny. My family's. Tybalt the cat. The prince of cats. This is funny. My family's got to get rid of him. Why? Well, because my sister's moving back in with her two dogs. My family's house is crazy. Wait, so Tybalt just gets the boot? Wait, is Tybalt's kitty or his?

Tybalt is mine. It's yours? Wait a minute. I just couldn't bring him to the city. He's an outdoor cat. Tybalt the cat just gets the boot because of these new kids on the block? Well, they found a nice place for him for a month. So he's going to my cousin Frankie's house who has 11 cats.

No, no, no, no. Dude, I'm not letting Tybalt go into the system. Tybalt's not going into the system. If you're watching this right now, you find Tybalt the new home. I swear to God. Someone adopt Tybalt. No, I love Tybalt. We're keeping him.

You're not keeping him. You're giving him to the fucking poster carol. He's going to come back different, dude. Yeah, man. Yeah, he's going to come back wilder.

He's nuts. I like it. But listen, my cousin brought these 11 cats. All right. He has 11 cats. Give me a little bit of color on your cousin first.

He's nuts. He wore a Purdue Windbreaker to my cousin. His brother's wedding. Yes. This guy's an animal. I get it. Guy lives and dies with Drew Brees.

Always has a jug of iced tea. Always has a jug for a spitter. Always has a gym bag because he lifts constantly. Animal. And 11 cats. Animal. Drove to every Notre Dame game. For a while, he goes to every Notre Dame game.

But I thought he rocks. He would drive down. But he rocks a Purdue. He loves Dayton. He loves Purdue. He just loves college gear. He loves Bishop Gorman t-shirts now because he went to Vegas twice. He's out of his mind, dude.

Wow. The funniest guy on earth. This guy. Yeah, for real. And he drove those 11 cats. They were at his wife's mom's house or something. He rented a truck and drove them to Pennsylvania from Sacramento. From California to fucking Pennsylvania with 11 cats.

You're just fucking going. And he rented the truck? And what the fuck did Enterprise say when he brought it back? Have you had like double-digit cats in here for days? The only way I can describe this smell is over five cats. Was this over five cats? Or did you just pour a bunch of bleach in the back seat? I wish you knew him.

He'd respond. He'd be like, yeah, what? So what? I got some fucking cats. I got some cats, Shainer. Shainer, there's some cats. Where were the cats in Sacramento? I don't know.

I guess they were at a... You just picked them up somewhere? Also, did you somehow... I got 11 cats. Was it like that old Carmelo Anthony New York Knicks trade where he got all 11 cats in one deal? They just shipped all the cats? Yeah, that's what I mean.

Did he acquire them here and there, or was it just 11 in one shot? I think it was 11 in one shot. So many cats. To go from zero cats in your life to 11 is insanity. Dude, they have a room. It's one thing if you just slowly accumulate. They have a room in their house. I'm sure.

12 kitty litter boxes. A dozen cats. He clips the cat's nails. What? How? Does he grab them and they're just cool? The most despicable thing I've ever heard. He's the man.

He's the man. Dude, you have to be comfortable with just sitting there at all times of the day hearing He used to challenge me and my friends to play tackle football when I was like 40. He'd be like, I'll tell you what, come down and bring your pussy friends. He goes, cats want to watch. I got a whole cheerleading squad of cats. He shows up there all stacked up in cheerleading outfits. Dude, he takes off his shirt and he's just scrapped.

Dude, taking off his shirt and he's just got scars all over him. Like fucking Rambo in First Blood. He tried to do pass blocking drills with me. What? He's Uncle Rico. He wanted to be a nose guard. This sounds like a person from one of your skits. Dude, what would be great is if he just came out of his house

with old 80s football pads, like a neck roll, and a bar down the middle, and he's like, stop me, I'm going to play the five position. The Brian Cox fucking... Yeah, the flat back. Just a breathe right strip over it. He's like, you ready to get serious about this, Shainer? You want to bring your pussy friend?

You and your little pussy friend... Hold on, guys. There's something going on in the cat room. I think there's a fight for one of the towers. There's this constant cat rumbles. Guys, they're so loud at night. When they all run at night. Dude, how can you sleep at night?

It's absolute chaos. How can you sleep at night with the smell of ammonia? You think they ever just have a revolution? We're just taking the whole house. We're getting rid of the humans. Stomp them out. The wedding. Let me see.

Yeah, that rules. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that guy's fucking awesome. Eating a ham salad sandwich. That is amazing. Uncle Rick is just like,

weren't you a big Notre Dame fan? He's like, yeah, they just sold out. I just went anywhere in Indiana. That worked. Close enough. Purdue's pretty sweet. Drew Brees played there, so I'm pretty pumped about it. Neil Armstrong went.

Don't know if you knew that. Knows more about college football than me. I mean, he might be autistic now that I'm definitely piecing this together. 11 cats is pretty autistic. That is a thing to start guessing. All right, how about that? How many cats could take you down? Could you kill?

Or how many cats for you to get killed? Are they all mad at me? They're all really mad at me. Again, yeah, it's a revolution. It's a cat that, you know, a revolution of cats. There's a cat leader who is organizing them, and they have a thirst for human blood. Can I?

Ooh, that would be a terrible way to go. Yeah. Because they would hurt. Because they can't do anything. Yeah, you'd have to bleed out. Do I get what I'm wearing right now, long sleeve? Sure. 50.

50? 50? 50. Fucking dude, I'm going full. You guys are more confident than I thought you'd be. House cats? I'm going full. I'll put a hurtin' on that.

Yeah, dude. I'm going to pop and twist a lot of them. Oh, yeah. You guys don't want to hear this, but the way I'm going to get through it is just like a fucking opening mail that I haven't gotten in a fucking month. Where I'm like, now, all right. It's like scratch-offs. Yeah, exactly. You just sit at the bar.

I'll fill it up. Oh, man. Yeah. You don't think it would be a little bit of emotional fatigue when you've killed your 13th cat? You're like, oh, my God. You can't even see your hands anymore because they're just dripping in capital. One through five I care about, and 45 through 50 I start sobbing openly.

I'm like, why did you make me do this, KFC? Why did you make me? All right, that's another question. And then 50, I just do this. Your high five? I'm going to my dog. I'min' my dog. You cut the egg out of my dog. Every time you hear a cat purr for the rest of your life.

Yeah, do you guys jerk off to Garfield and friends? I'm sorry! I'm fuckin' sorry. I'm sorry. You fucking hate Mondays, don't you, you fat little slut? You fat little lasagna-eating slut. Where's Jim? Where'd Jim go?

He just beat me up because I killed some of the cats. They were talking about... There's that coffee hat mustache. Please stop. Were you drinking a fucking cup of milk? Yeah, dude. What is that? The Nate Bargettsy special.

Is there any coffee in there? I'm telling you right now, it would be my life. I love it. Milk with ice. I go into Dunkin' and when I ask for cream, they always put a disrespectful amount of cream in it. It's crazy. They're like, what are you going to say?

Then they look like they're mad at you. You ruined my day, man. I wanted to load you up on cream. Sorry. I wanted to really dump all this half and half. The airport in Tampa, I got a nice coffee. I was like, I got a splash of milk. She filled it up before she put any coffee in. That much milk. I was like, is this good?

That's a cereal amount of milk. It's absolutely not good. Of course, of course. Perfect. Love it. I'm going to love this coffee. If she didn't fucking show you that amount of milk and then spit in it, would you have said something then? I'd be like, what are you doing later? What are you doing? Are you trying to fuck me? That's a, no. Showed you that amount of milk and then spit in it. Would you have said something then? I'd be like, what are you doing later? What are you doing?

Are you trying to fuck me? That's a Tampa hello. You got Todd's splitters? You just put ice in it? You going to be at Todd's splitters later? Yeah, dude. I don't know. They do it and I'm just like, eh, whatever.

I like my milk drink. Didn't Bennington have a bit for a while? I think he did. In fact, I'm sure he did. He had a thing where people would call in and like, you know how it was at Dan Patrick where they would say their weight or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These guys would call in and name the number of sixth graders they could kill.

Oh, yeah, that was Ron and Fez bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many sixth graders do you think? Sixth graders. Yeah, I think the question is, we give you a baseball bat and a helmet, and how many fifth graders could you take? Whoa. Yeah.

Honestly, when I gas out. Exactly. It's a buffet amount. I eat until I throw up. It's like going to batting cages when you're like 20 in. Oh, my God, this is a lot harder than I thought. And then they overrun you. Here's my question.

Which retired professional athlete could you beat up? And they can't be older than 60 while they're in a dead... You get a start from them in a dead sleep. So like Evander Holyfield's dead asleep. Bare hands? I'll give you a small weapon. I can't believe you went with Evander Holyfield. Short of me having a gun.

But I'm saying that's the range I'm looking for. Retired, let me specify this. Venus Williams. You think you could? I don't think so. I'm going to tell you above on that one, sir. You don't think I could beat that one? That was worse than Evander Holyfield.

If you, if you, if Venus Williams would slide out and then it's all on. And then I'll wail on her. No, dude, she gets to the tennis. You're going to catch Venus Williams? No way. Once she's up, I'm not saying she couldn't beat me in a all on. And then I'll wail on her. No, dude. You're going to catch Venus Williams? No way. Once she's up, I'm not saying she couldn't beat me in a race. You're also starting with her to dead sleep. Then it's over, dude.

I don't know. I'm getting what you're doing. What's your first move? I'm getting mounted. You're grounded upon it? You're giving your old UFC? He's not getting out of here. You know when they change the rules?

Yeah, the hammer throw? Dude, I said Venus. I was going to say like Jeff Garcia, I think. I don't know. I bet Jeff Garcia runs your ass into the ground. I bet he'd be like, I was sleeping. I was sleeping. And then he's just fucking your shit up.

And I'm a Niners fan. I was sleeping. This mustachioed man came in here. Oh, fuck Venus Williams up. Dude, you're one more shit. The only person I can think of is like David Eckstein. That's it. You guys are crazy.

I don't know, man. I would even say. David Eckstein's like five foot six. I was going to name jockeys. Yeah. I was going to name like that. Whatever. Jockeys, you got to take the horse, too.

Oh, dude, that's crazy. That junkie. They go, funny assemble. And then they jump on the horse, and you're like, fuck, fuck. He got to his machine. You guys are being pussies about Venus Williams. What's her weight and shit? Jeff Garcia would wail on Venus Williams.

Jeff Garcia, I think I actually, I thought he kind of just disappeared. Now that I'm thinking about it, he is like back in the media now. I think he's, isn't he coaching or is he in the media? I think he's in the media. Why does that matter? He used to be a fucking professional football player, man. No, because he's like in shape still. Yeah, he's in good shape. There are plenty of quarterbacks who just got fat and they're a fucking professional football player, man. He's going to beat you up. He's in shape still. Yeah, he's in good shape.

There are plenty of quarterbacks who just got fat and they're a fucking mess over there. I think Jeff Garcia is still hitting the weights and things like that. I don't think any former NFL players. No way. I'd have to get one with ALS. Quarterbacks? I think I could take Matt Stafford today. No.

No way. Kick the shit out of you. He would fucking smoke you. He's like 6'5". That's one of the last guys I was picking. He's been living in Detroit. I think Steve Nash is probably a little bitch. Yeah, yeah.

Steve Nash knows. I bet he's crafty. I bet Steve Nash would go into like a Lotus style. Yeah, 6'3", 230, I can't play with that. There's a lot of soccer players. There's a lot of soccer players. There's a lot of soccer players. Mia Hamm, I'll fuck her up. Dude, I'll tell you this.

Mia Hamm's probably still got the gas tank. If you can't put her down. This is going to be a long fight. I'm laying on them at night and punching them. Ooh. And she's like. She makes up. Yes.

Megan Rapinoe. I would never do that to an LGBTQ legend I dare you anyone outside of see no I'm treating her equally what sport I will fight you at night Megan Rapinoe you're saying soccer would be the sport

you would pick to fight all the former athletes yeah there's no other if you had to put a sport to it golf the way to go oh dude let me get a shot at John Daly I love him Yeah, there's no if you had to put a sport to it golf maybe off perhaps also way to go. Yeah Yeah, oh, dude. Let me get a shot at John Daly I love I don't want a fucking tomato

I could take VJ sing Dirty shit with her, he would fucking walk through all four of us. Whoa, dude, don't harass one of the babes. I'm not babes. Don't harass the Marshall babes. I'm not, dude. I'm saying if Tiger Woods was like, is she my trophy?

And we'd be like, yeah. And he'd be like, pop some pills and fucking go at it. Just one by one by one. Tiger would whale on us. And he'd be like. Pops and pills and fucking go at it. Just one by one by one. Oh, yeah. Tiger would wail on us. He'd fuck us up. That always made me laugh because when I was, I used to smoke pot.

It made my face. I remember watching like a Ravens game once and just imagining how scary it would be if Ray Lewis just kicked in the door. Just the instant panic of a dude breaking in the door and all of us like. Do we bring up the joke that we always used to do in the car on the road? Which one? About breaking into someone's house. It's a sad sports story.

Give it. Oh, God. This is like my favorite thing. I already know who it's about. It's Sean Taylor. It's fucked up. Because the story is. I think it's at McNair.

I don't know. What the fuck? I didn't think it was funny. The bit we do. Oh, listen. So Sean Taylor's house, he got killed while someone was breaking into his house. But he. He had a machete.

He had a machete and he was naked. Lights out. Lights out. Attack them with a machete. So Shane and I always used to do the guys breaking into the house. We're like, look at this fucking place. Check out these jerseys. And you're like, it's Sean Taylor.

And then you hear it from down below. He's like, who the fuck's in my house? Hey! Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck's in my house? Hey! Oh, fuck! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

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Oh! Did he get any of them before they got him? I think they shot him in the leg. Yeah, and then they killed him. They, like, shot him. Yeah, they hit him like the femoral artery. That's where everyone learned about the femoral artery. That's exactly how I learned. And that's how I learned. You always learn shit through sad stuff. That's how I learned about that artery.

And heavy D is how I learned about deep vein thrombosis, which is a blood clot from flying. Because that's what he got. It went to his brain. So now I'm paranoid. That's why you're riding the plane, man. I that's what he got. It went to his brain. So now I'm paranoid. That's why you're riding on the plane, man. I don't want to go. You're sitting there watching movies thinking I might be dead.

Deep vein thrombosis. I don't like that. DVB. How do you think you're going to go? A heart attack. Yeah? No doubt. No doubt.

How do you think you're going? No doubt. I'm 100% going to cancer. Yeah? Yeah. I don't think I'd like cancer. I think I'd be cancer. I'll 100% going to cancer. Yeah? I don't think I'd like cancer. I'd be cancer. I'm just out first.

We know how you're going. There's a good chance I'd really stick its teeth into me. I think I'm going with one of the weapons from Clue. One way, somehow, some way. I think I'm going to get winged. I'm going to get winged by cancer or a heart attack. And then I'm just going to be a shell of myself. And then just eventually it'll

be like one of those things where I die. You'll be in the cellar, you'll be an old man sitting there, and then people are going to be like, hey, Danny, are you divorces? They go, I don't know who Ronnie Dangerfield is. They go, oh, no respect. And then I'll just be like,

oh, no respect. And my hands are just permanently like this, and they're like man yeah I think that like probably like around 60 and then and then just one day

the lights will be out and everyone will feel a little relieved that they don't have to take care of me like you're a burden we love you but man Dan Soder's

and then I'll be like so I'm hoping the way just an aneurysm right just go pow see you later

I might not die i've been thinking about that forever never never gonna die i don't know if i'm being infused with a computer i mean it's my new conspiracy death's not real what do you think that's happened to the people who died who who died who died name one i don't know anybody i'm excited for this you to get on hgh and start wearing a trench coat no shirt under under it? Death is merely an illusion. What happened to Sean Taylor? He got fucking killed by a guy breaking into his house. He was one of the greatest safeties of all time.

He didn't die. I don't even know who that is. That's one of those athletes that die like that. You're like, shit. But Doug Stanoff used to have an awesome bit about you don't want to see heroes live too long. Like if Hendrix was like 60, just doing the Super Bowl halftime show

with his gut hanging out. That's the problem watching rappers get old. You know, Biggie and Paco and it's like, oh, you put them on Forever a legend. You watch rappers

who are like, I'm fucking these hoes and dealing drugs and shit and now they're like grandpas. Oh, I can't wait for old Tekashi69. He's like, I don't think we're going to see that one.

He's not making it. But what if? I think if he's made it this long, I think they just forgive him. There's definitely a time where it's been easy enough to kill him. I think gang life took a hit. Everyone was like, as soon as Tekashi69's out, he's going to get murdered. He snitched on gangs. You just die.

And he just did. He just snitched as much as he could snitch. You're saying New York gangs are weak? Apparently! Come at me! Come at me, bro! Get over on this side. I say all your gangs rep your set. I would be so mad if gangs killed me in Natsukashi 69.

What the fuck? I didn't do shit other than make a joke on a podcast. They would get away with it because the cops would be like, there's no way a gang killed this white man that had zero influence with gangs. The guy pushing his Hyundai down the street. Yeah, dude. I don't know.

They always say that. They always say the mafia is still around and gangs are still around. Here's a question. I don't want to find that out. I think that's a cautious question last week. Oh, yeah. Gangs are still around, but I don't want to find out. I think that's a cautious question last week. How many people do you think have been killed? This is such a dumb question now that I'm repeating it. How many people do you think have been killed by being dropped into the ocean?

Like we forced you to walk the plank or the mafia puts the bricks on you and throws you into the water. It's a lot. I don't think. What's a lot? Because this person posited that it was 10 billion people. What? There's only been like 100 billion people who have ever lived. What?

He thinks it's 10 of people that have ever lived? Who's this person? Who's this idiot? He was a caller. I was like, that was the stupidest answer we've ever had in the history of our show. I mean, that's like, you just don't know he's a pirate? He's like, I'm telling you, it's a lot more than you think. I kept notches below deck. You're

really underselling it. I love how damn people have walked back. It's a pretty depressing one, but the slave trade did have a lot of that. Those numbers are a lot higher than you think. We did forget the slave trade. If slave traders were getting arrested or at sea, like a ship was coming, they'd dump

their cargo and they'd just dump everybody. Damn. Shit like that. That happened a lot. I'd like to revise my answer from earlier. People would get sick. They'd be like, out. Yeah, dude.

You forget when the old traveling wasn't like. We went pirate route. We forgot. And then we Googled that, and they said they didn't really do that. You guys forgot about the slave trade? We forgot about the East India trading. Typical bar store. Look how much Shane has grown, and you have not grown at all.

Yes. And number two. The headline now will be Shane Gillis talks about slaves. Oh, fuck. But, yeah, I think also people travel used to just be like that. They'd be like, the poor people, they're coughing. Get them out of here. Not me, sir.

And just fucking push them into the ocean. Swim. Swim. Swim. So I would say over 50 million. Whoa! History of the world, dude! Listen, even with the slave trade, I don't think you're getting it. It's a history major. Let's stop talking about slaves.

Well, hold on. Are we talking... We're not talking shipwrecks. No, you've got to be like a human into the water as they're dead like those who are the bottom of Titanic the poor people on Titanic dated. They don't What well that well, I guess they kind of those bodies dude you don't take away from my 50 million Economic socioeconomic they matter or don't matter it's fucking breathing human, but they weren't dumb There was a year to hear final bird doesn't think handicapped people or people Those are halfsies you get halves on those. Yeah humans. But they weren't dumped. You heard it here. Feidelberg doesn't think handicapped people are people. He was like, those are

halvesies. You get halves on those. Do you think they dumped the handicapped people? They used those things at hotel pools? Yeah, we're like, meee. They go, this is a very slow, cruel way for me to die. They go, hold on. We gotta use it. We have to buy it. The state made us buy it.

Holiday Inn. Holiday Inn made us install it Why do they have this? So you can enter and make kids feel weird Or you go Get them in Are they for fats? I think so And if you're that fat

That you need a chair to be lowered in To the Holiday Inn Express You better be the head of a crime organization How do you get out? I mean, it's the same way. You sit there and put your leg up. Honestly, I think you're really making me going to bring my swim shorts to fucking Indianapolis.

I love swimming in hotels. Gary, let me in. It's the best. I tried to use the one in Tampa this weekend. Swimming in pools is one of those. I was trying to use it, and it didn't work. A hotel pool is one of those. It's fun until the day you're dead.

It's fun as a kid. That reek of glory. That whole vibe. I'll tell you what sucks, though, is because I go on the road by myself. So then I try to hit the hotel pool. And then I walk down there, shirt off, walking outside. And then there's like three kids in the pool, and I just. Yeah, you can't do that.

You can't swim by yourself. You can't do that. You can't do that. You can't relax as a solo man in a pool like that. It looks crazy. That's what I do. I just lay out there. Do you do the hot tub? Do you float around? I love a back float.

I'm more of a down and back underwater type guy. The float is something that goes into that. I like doing that. I'll tell you this. My favorite thing in the world, go down, blow the nose out, come up and wipe it off. You'll never breathe better. You blow your nose underwater, Soder? Yeah, because if not, you come up and there's boogs all over your nose.

Christ almighty. You guys didn't swim as a kid and come up with boogs all over your nose? No, dude. You were like a nose holder? Seeing you swim would be so funny. I know you coming out of the water like, damn. Dude, I wanted to fuck this girl in college so bad, and I went to Arizona where there was like a lot of pools, and I came out of the water one time, and she's like, you're

like Swamp Thing. And I was like, oh, that's over. We're never fucking. And strings of water come out of my hands and my chin. I know you were. And you're like... What? What? It's totally...

It's totally me going... It's like, ew, you're like Swampy. What? He might be legitimately puking. Why? Because you're Swampy. Because you're disgusting. Why did I make you walk?

You're like swamping. You're puking because I'm swamping? Dude. What? What? Dude, it gets in your eyes. I open them underwater. I don't.

Burning. I love to see underwater. Dude, I've. I don't see it underwater've I don't see it I don't want to see my eyes open dude and I smoke a lot of weed so it's always chlorine eyes I'm wearing my bare bottom clothing right here right right now. It is my favorite shirt in the world. It's hard to describe. I even told our merch team, I was like, bare bottoms got the best clothes in the game. And they were like, what's so good about it? And they were like, let me feel it. And I touched it and they were like, oh yeah, that's just different. That's just different.

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I almost like you rubbing me during ad reads. You know what I mean? Yeah. Just keep doing it. I couldn't tell if it was starting to get weird or not. No, go ahead. Just get down here. Get a full handful down here.

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I was looking at Jane, trying not to laugh. That's so fucking funny. I was like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. She was like, and I thought if she was going to laugh, we were all going to have a great time. Then she was like, I got hurt. I was like, oh, fuck. She had to walk away, and I looked at Jane. I was like, I got hurt. And I was like, oh, fuck. She had to walk away, and I looked at Shane.

I was like, oh. You can fucking bulldog women in a pool. It's the only place you're allowed to physically assault women. You can fucking choke slam them. They can grab your arm. You can baptize them, dude. Oh, yeah. Finishing moves all day.

Dude, learn how to take a bump, ladies. You can just get in the pool. Don't get in the pool, dude. If you're a woman, you see me in the pool. Don't you come near me. I don't care if you're a stranger. You stay in the shallow end. I'm going to come up from under the water swamp thing and then rock bottom you.

Standing, grabbing a lady and rock bottoming her. He's fun as hell. He's got a couple of kids on the side of him. That's my buddy Shane right there. I go, you want to see Swamp Thing? Take this lady out. So when quarantine started, I was in Key West. Yeah, I remember that.

You were on Assault Life. I was Assault Life for a couple weeks. And it was spring break in Key West. So my hotel was just hot babies. Wait, in your pool? In the hotel pool. And you still went to the pool? And I sat over the balcony and just drank Miller High Lux.

Some lady being like, who's that guy? I was in the corner of the hotel. But I was talking to Matt McCusker, and he was like, you should cannonball while the college girls are swimming and then get at one of those boards and just start waiting for them. Rob Bull, Rob Wayne. Just by yourself. Dude, the thought of a solo man at spring break coming up under their floats

and pushing them off. And then you're like, who is this guy? Ew. Coming up under their floats and pushing them off. And then they're like, who is this guy? Starting a war. You guys should do chicken fights. Someone get on my back. Ew, he's on me. And the Swamp Thing out of nowhere pops up.

I'm here. I would come up and grab her in my arms. Come out of the water and grab her. I'll take you to safety. I'm Swamp Thing. Swamp Thing is so funny. Dude, that girl fucking stuck me with that. I got ear holed by that coming out of the water.

You haven't forgotten that, huh, though? No, man. That one, because I thought I was in with her. She said that, and I was like, I was wearing these green swim trunks and I was like, damn. That girl, you were known as Swamp Thing in that crew of girls. Yeah, that was the hottest group of girls that I knew in college. Props to her.

That's a good reference though. I know I know we wanted to fuck her. I was like, oh god, and you get early 90s cartoon references. They're amazing. I love you. Yeah. Wait, there's a Swamp Thing show? Yeah.

Really? They've tried to do Swamp Thing. There's a whole franchise. It's a whole thing. It's never really grabbed, but they've tried it a bunch of different ways. The 80s movie is the best because it's bad. Yeah, because he looks shitty. It's funny when he looks bad.

I put Swamp Thing with also just the thing and the blob and all those things from the 80s. Yeah, but it's more of a comic book than you realize. It's nerd shit. Right. And I look like I'm coming out of a fucking pool at an apartment complex in Arizona. Dude, my favorite moment of bumming out hot babies is when I had two friends move from Colorado when I was still living in Tucson. They were done with college. Nothing better than making the hot babies sad.

Sad, dude. Or mad. My buddy wanted to party with hot babies so bad he got arrested. That happens to a lot of guys. My two friends came down to Tucson. Two of my best friends from Colorado. They're like, hey, we're done with school. We want to change the pace. We want to get out of Colorado. We'll live with down to Tucson. I was, you know, two of my best friends from Colorado. And they're like, hey, we're done with school. We want to change the pace.

We want to get out of Colorado. We'll live with you in Tucson. I was saving up money to move here to do stand-up. So they're like, dude, we got six months. Let's get an apartment. And I was working. And so I was like, you guys got to find the apartment. I have my apartment now.

They found one in like a college apartment complex. And we were all out of school. And it was like the fall that sounds like a plot of like a tv show or a movie or something it was like the fall of the next school year and i was like i don't go to school here anymore and they were having like a lot of college parties and one night there was these girls and this guy in the hot tub and we were on our balcony and we're like we're drunk and we're like what what are you guys doing? Just being an idiot. And this guy knew me.

This guy knew me that I went to Arizona. He's like, is it soda? And I was like, what? No. Come down here. Different guy. So we went down there. Me and my buddy went down there.

And he was like, I shouldn't have used his last name. But we go down there. And we're all hammered. And these two girls are naked with this guy, and they're like, you can come in the hot tub. You have to get naked. Yeah, we definitely shouldn't have used this last time. Yeah, you guys can cut this. You can bleep that out.

Who cares? He sounds cool as hell. Yeah, well, it's not cool where it goes. So these girls are like, we sit with them for a little bit, and then they leave, because I knew the guy. And I'm like, you guys don't want to party. Whatever. I'm going to get out of here.

Yeah. No, you lingered. That was on purpose. I lingered on purpose. And then I knew they didn't want me, so I bailed. I wanted to wait for the ratio to be two to two and be like, did you dunk your head in the hot tub? Did you go under and pop one?

Boom. Boom. Boom. So the next night, we're out drinking, and we all come back to our apartment apartment and my buddy's like, let's go to the hot tub. Thinking that's just a thing that's going to be there every night. And it's not. We're with a friend, my friend Alexis, and she's like, I'll go with you guys. And then he was like, let's skinny dip.

They were skinny. So they get naked and I'm like, I'm not getting naked. This is hilarious to watch you guys swim. A security guard walks around. He's like, hey, put your clothes back on. And they're like, fine. Guy calls the cops because they stayed naked. Cops show up. layers to watch you guys swim. A security guard walks around. He's like, hey, put your clothes back on. And they're like, fine. Guy calls the cops because they stayed naked.

Cops show up. My buddy's in the pool and you can just see his ass because of the pool lights. And the cop's like, put on your swim trunks. And he's just hammered. And he's like, I didn't do anything. And the cop's like, put on your swim trunks. And he swims over to his swim trunks and like pulls him in the water. Like the cop can't see what's going on under the water.

And he puts them on, and he's like, I didn't do anything. And the second he gets out, the cop grabs him. He tries to move. Cop fucking slams him. Arrests him, takes him to jail. He said, put your clothes on, because I'm about to whoop your ass. I thought that was like, put your clothes on and I'll let you out.

And then he grabbed his wrist, and then he was drunk, and he did like, no. See you later. The cop was like putting your clothes on to let you out. Dude, that's what I thought. And then he grabbed his wrist and then he was drunk and he did like, no. See you later. Wrapped around his head. That cop was like, yes. I've been waiting for this. Full on fucking German suplexed him right on. Here's the whole reason I joined the force. He plugs his college system.

Trust me, dude. Douche bag. Tucson police love to wrestle anyone that's not on meth. This will be light work. It'll be easy. And dude, he got arrested. And just picking him up the next day, we were like,

what did you think was going to happen? And he was like, I don't know. I don't fucking know. It's great, though. The second he was like, I didn't do anything wrong, the cop was like,

I'm going to fuck this kid up. Also, he was swimming away from him as he was saying it. He was like, I didn't do anything. And he swam to a part where the cop had to walk around to the other side of the pool. And he's like, get out. And he was like, I didn't do anything. And he swam to a part where the cop had to walk around to the other side of the pool and he's like, get out. And he's like,

I didn't do anything. Were you standing there like a pussy friend that was like, stop! Listen to him! I was smoking cigarettes. Do what he says. I was just smoking cigarettes being like... Alexis was going like, he doesn't

have it. He's not it He didn't do anything Then we picked him up from jail the next day With a one-legged man Sure Swear to God, we just show up to Tucson jail And he's like, hey, can you give my buddy a ride home That I met in jail And he's got one leg, he's got a prosthetic leg

And he sits behind my buddy Chad Who's sitting shotgun, right? And we're driving back, and the guy lived by us, so we're giving him a ride. What was he here for? That's what we asked him. Piracy. Dude, that's what we did. Making people walk the plane.

Dude, we're in the car. This is one of my favorite moments that my friend Chad didn't realize he was an asshole. Because we're driving back to the apartment, and we're like, yeah, so we're telling this guy about how he wouldn't get dressed and that's why he got arrested and the guy's like man that's crazy it's just black dude with a prosthetic leg and he's like that's why you're in jail because you wouldn't put on your swim trunks and he's sitting behind chad and he's like yeah you know me and my girl got into a fight in the parking lot we started screaming at each other she ran and you know i can't run and my friend chad doesn't realize this guy's got one leg i don't know if you didn't see it in the car so it's from the front seat he goes you don't know how to run like that and then and we drop him off in the apartment and the guy gets out and

chad just goes you guys didn't tell me in one way and but i'll be honest i've um you know i really have not bought a pair of of uh like jordans or basketball sneakers or like so i it's so funny how your your perspective just kind of changes you know like i loved the fear of god shoes and i still do i think they're cool but like the big high top ones yeah zip up and now i'm like i can't even imagine putting those on right now i'm just like i don't know it looks ridiculous i was the same way i was like anti the kind of smaller cross trainer if you will because i don't want to be doing the jordans yeah it was like now i need something to switch it's like a dark chocolate to uh a milk chocolate it's a little more mature.

When your brain flips, you're just like, oh, yeah, I'm done with that. And I'll still see a pair of skateboarding shoes and athletic shoes. And I'm like, oh, those are cool, but I'm just not going to buy them. I used to buy all of them. And it's funny. When I first was collecting sneakers, I always liked sneakers. Only started to collect them when I had a little bit of money. And actually, COVID kind of stopped me because I was like, this is getting getting silly i'm buying all these sneakers like well i'm never gonna wear them but

i remember when i first really started getting into it a couple people were tweeting with me and they were like i did just what you did and in a couple years you're gonna feel like so stupid you're gonna waste all this money you're gonna have no space and you're gonna be what the fuck am i doing and i was like no man it's just it's a hobby that i like i feel like i'm always gonna like sneakers and like here i am lo and behold and i see other people in the office and people trying to get them. And they're like, did you get these? Did you get those?

And I'm like, no, man. No, I'm done. Like I've got, you know, what? Do I need another pair of ones with different colors? Do I need another pair of threes? And so as I've kind of like matured and gotten onto, you know, a little more adult look, I've come around on the all birds all birds have these tree runners that are uh all birds comes from like the tech world it's like all the ceos and all the silicon valley guys started out with them and that's when all birds first popped on the

scene uh and now it's just kind of made its way into the like the regular everyday guy uh and of course they do all this like cool shit where it's sustainable and reusable and green and everything like that. These eucalyptus tree fibers. It's all breathable. It's all comfortable. 90% recycled. I mean, it's all good for the environment and passes on savings. But they also just kind of look fresh.

I actually got a Sherpa pair of sneakers. I heard you say that. I haven't seen what they're white. They're white. And they're like the Sherpa pair of sneakers i heard you say that i haven't seen what they're they're white they're white and they're like my like the sherpa robes that we sell so i saw those i was like i gotta get these that i gotta match the fucking robe to my my sherpa sneakers so they've got like slip-ons they've got regular like laces they've all like uh i think they even have some high tops and low tops they've got it all now it used to just kind of be the one like ceo shoe and now they've got a whole line of them.

And as you know, if you've grown up a little bit and matured or you're out on like the sneaker collecting, don't want to spend the money. Don't want to wear that same look anymore. I recommend all birds, but all birds.com today. That's a L L B I R D S.

Keep things light and breezy this spring and this summer with the all birds tree runner or discover your perfect pair at allbirds.com. That's A-L-L-B-I-R-D-S dot com. You've got to be staggeringly unaware to not realize that someone has one fucking leg. We were all so hungover. We were like drinking until 4

and then picked them up at like 8am when we could. You didn't tell me that. It was so great. You don't know how to run and the guy just was like i'm fucking i'm gonna get my ride home there's nothing worse than when you don't know someone's got a disability like it happens during shows yeah constantly yeah you'll be i was doing stand-up i was doing an all-black show in philly yeah black as hell and uh this one there's there was like one white dude there i did notice him but i didn't notice anything

about him and I got on stage and he was kind of to my right like behind me and he just was like he just started sneezing non-stop

and I was like yo could you shut the fuck up and I looked over and he was he was mentally handicapped and he was like I'm so sorry

and I was like no dude I'm sorry and the whole crowd was just like what about and I was like I didn't know he was fucked up and I was like, no, dude, I'm sorry. And the whole crowd was just like, ooh. I didn't know he was fucked up. I was like, oh, I'm mad again. What about the Magoobies table?

He called me after the show. So I was at Magoobies in Baltimore. I'm going to be there at the end of this month. Go get tickets. There was a guy, there was a table of mentally challenged dudes. It was like a... Day out. Big day out.

That's my demo. They love him. One flew out of the cuckoo's nest, got tickets. And then I couldn't see, because when you're up there, there's spotlights. You can't really see. So I saw a shadow of a dude holding onto a woman's shirt, getting led out to go to the bathroom. And I was like, yo, you guys see how fucked up that guy was?

And everyone was quiet. And I was like, all, you guys see how fucked up that guy was? And everyone was quiet. And I was like, all right, who cares? The guy's fucked up. And I kept saying fucked up instead of drunk, which would have helped. Yeah. Because you're given old terminology. You go, did you guys see that water brain walking to the bathroom?

And then when I saw him come back in, I could kind of see their face this time. And I was just like, oh, shit, this guy is very mentally challenged. Oh, no. I literally was – I mean, in front of everyone. I was like, you see this fucked up guy? Everyone was like, no, dude. Dude, I was doing – back when I was doing check spots at Stand Up New York, it was like –

Stand Up New York is probably the second most popular club, so it was packed all the time. And check spots are when you're an open miker. You go up when they drop the checks, and you just eat. You it you just bomb so you learn how to not bomb that's like the good thing but you bomb a lot and i was on stage and i was fucking bombing and this guy was just standing there like this and i was like this guy i'm bombing so bad this guy fucking won't even look at me. The blind head? And I was like, ah! Oh, no, no, no, no! And they have that, you know, yeah. The bobblehead happens.

And I was like, I thought I saw his smoky eyes. No, I'm not. And I was like, oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, fuck! And then it went worse. I got a little Magoobies. Oh, sorry. I wasn't recognizing one. It was when we got arrested one time when I got a little Magoobies. Oh, sorry. I wasn't recognizing one. It was when we got arrested one time when I was a kid.

Yeah. And we were, like, me and my buddy got arrested, and we got put in the back of a car. We're already sitting in the back of the car. And we had our buddy with us who had one arm. And there's, like, a silence. It's late at night. We're getting pulled over for being underage and drinking

and stuff like that. And you just hear this woman who had been being a bitch to us for a while. Like she was being a cop arresting us. Oh, so it was a female officer cop? Yeah. All right. And she just goes, what the fuck is this? And we're like, oh, shit.

What did Adam have in his pocket? Like that is not going to be good. And you just hear him kind of like slur out. She's a little drunk. He goes, uh, an arm? And she goes, we start like laughing in the backseat. Oh, no. Like, oh, she's a little drunk, he goes, uh, an arm? And she goes, we start laughing in the backseat. And then she

just doubles down. I thought she was going to get apologetic. She goes, what the fuck do I do with it? Oh my god. And he goes, I guess you just treat it like the other ones. Oh my god. We're rocking in the backseat of the cop car. It looks like two people in a cartoon are having sex.

Bouncing and we are screaming. Wait, when he was arrested, did she put the cuffs on the fucking fake arm? Yeah. He was like, I don't know. I figure they taught you in school how to do this. That's the way to do it where you just go, you want to see something cool? Yeah. Pop out of that.

You have a key in your mouth? Yeah, you do. You know, what you to see something cool? Yeah. Pop out of that. You have a key in your mouth? Yeah, you go. You go, what you don't know is this. I don't even need the key. Then you start hitting her with the arm. You're like, oh, fuck. Dude, that is. Yeah, true.

Yeah, there's having a prosthetic limb has to be moments where you can really fuck with people in a fun way like that. Oh, he popped it off as soon as he got in the car. Yeah. Just like it. I'm he popped it off as soon as he got in the car. Yeah. Just like, I'm out. Look at this. That's a question for someone like that. Does that feel good on his nub when he lets off the arm?

It's like when girls take off bras and they're like that. You know, he's like, get your pants off. I would guess definitely. Yeah. Probably rub that nub. Rub that nub, dude. Satan's got a very inquisitive face. Yeah. Probably rub that nub. Rub that nub, dude. Satan's got a very inquisitive face. Yeah.

No, I'm just getting mad about a Coors Light commercial. Why? Where a hot chick comes home and takes her bra off and starts drinking a Coors Light. What a lady. Dude, this is not real. If you're a fucking lady getting home from work, popping a bra off and drinking a Coors. Yeah. You're not hitting the Blue Mountains.

You're a swamp. I'll bet you the courts have taken your kids. Oh, 100%. If you're popping your tits out and slamming a fucking silver bullet. The sun's out. It was a commercial. She just pops it with one hand. She goes,

stop my shakes. You're going to make it really alcoholic. Drink responsibly. I'm just a girl who's home from work. I'm just a hot-ass chick drinking Coors with my tits out. Got to let my tits breathe. I had a long day of being a CEO.

Sorry, Alex. I was running the world, and now I need to suckle on this cool Colorado water. They should have her shown with like a 30 stone Like 30 keystone lights She should have been hellish Yeah heavy Heavy lady A ghoul An absolute ghoul

When she gets done at the breakfast shift at the bowling alley That's when you take your bra off Before she takes her bra off She's like a big fart She's been holding it in her over Dude I want to watch her Take her bra off. She's like a big fart. She's been holding it in her over. She's like, oh. Dude, I want to watch her take her bra off and then put on a cat sweater. Then drink a Bud Light and just be like, this whole world's fucked up. Meow, meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow. All 20 cats come. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Find Tibble to home. Tibble will be all right. Dude, I don't think Tibble will be okay. If he's not okay, that's okay. What do you mean?

I love him. God bless his soul. I love him. But he's a cat, you know? He's a cat. Cats are the most disposable. They're disposable. I mean, obviously, I can kill cats.

What is the most disposable animal? You think it's a cat? Well, I was doing what everybody that talks about cats does, is comparing it to dogs. It's always, they're like, I like cats. I'm like, really? I like dogs. It's like, well, I like dogs too, dude.

I'm telling you, I like cats. I like cats, all right? You don't want dogs, asshole. Yeah, but cat people oftentimes always try to put them over dogs. That's where they lose a lot of people. I mean, that's just crazy. They're like, no, no, no. But this cat is different.

The best compliment you can give a cat is it's like a dog. The best compliment you can give a dog is meat. Just give it meat. That's for you. My grandpa killed... My dad grew up on a creek. He had a bunch of brothers and sisters. They grew up on a farm

type compound thing. They had cats everywhere. Every year they would just get overrun with fucking cats. Just a bunch of cats. Once you have a couple... They breed, yeah. The place I lived in the Bronx would just get overrun with stray cats. Just forever. Cat scratch fever?

Oh yeah, dude. One day, my grandpa bundled a bunch of them up. kittens, in a sack, and threw them in the creek in front of the kids. Dude, in front of the kids? Yeah. I remember this. Damn, dude, your grandpa made a clan of warriors.

It broke on the dam, the sack. It hit the dam, and a couple of kittens came back. Oh, dude, you got to adopt those. He said they can stay. Those are survivors. What a test. What a Hercules test. I knew a guy.

A fetus shrank. You just saw my grandpa throwing you in the creek. Yeah, dude, watching all those fucking little. Oh, so sad. Kittens are so cute. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, kittens. I don't like cats.

I like kittens. Yeah, kittens are great. So once they grow of age, you should throw them in the river. I like milf kittens. You're like mommy cats. You're so cute. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, kittens. I don't like cats. I like kittens. Yeah, kittens are great. So once they grow of age, you should throw them in the river. I like milf kittens. I like mommy cats. You're like a natural. I'm like big, fat, nippled cats. I knew a family who had a problem cat.

I think they had a baby, and the cat was like pawing or whatever. They're like, we got to get rid of this cat. And they called. It was like, I don't know, the dad's brother or the, I don't know, some guy. Someone who they know is willing to kill a cat. Everyone needs one of those guys on your phone. Yeah, kill it. I'll be right over.

Ah, hold on. Dude, he took the cat, went out on his boat, tied it to a brick, fucking threw it in the water. What? Come on, dude. That's so much more difficult. Shoot it. Shoot it.

Don't make it count. If you don't have a gun, whatever. Dude, I would rather smash it in a bag with a hammer than just toss it. Yeah, put it in a bag and swing it against the wall. Yeah, do it. It's really difficult. Yeah, shoot it. Don't make it count. If you don't have a gun, whatever. Dude, I would rather smash it in a bag with a hammer than just toss it. Yeah, put it in a bag and swing it against the wall. Yeah, do it. No. Dude, I want instant death. I'd rather throw a cat in the water with a brick and smash it.

What, are you going to teach other cats not to snitch? Yeah. You got to fucking. You want to smash it? Yeah, dude. Why does it need to be on a brick? You probably just go out. Just throw it.

The cat's not coming home. But then it really struggles and drowns. Man, what's this? This is a quick drowning throw it. The cat's not coming home. But then it really struggles. This is a quick drowning. Alright, here's a good question. What hurts your conscience the least way to kill a cat? What's the easiest way to kill a cat? A shovel. Just one shot.

I think a shovel's a good answer. I'll tell you, throwing it off a cliff might be easy. Oh yeah, that's great. But you can hear that. You get a good laugh. You can hear that. It was spreading. You get a good laugh at the end. You can hear that yell the whole time. A fucking idiot. One dink with a shovel.

Oh, man. I don't know. What about smothering it? Like an old- A shovel might actually be tough. Yeah, because if you don't hit it- You hit its back and it's just- That's all bad.

You do it. Oh, my God. I think I fucking- If you just smash a cat's spinal cord and it doesn't die. Oh, my God. That'd be so sad. I mean, you just smash a cat's Like spinal cord And it doesn't die Oh my god That'd be so sad I mean it's all of it It's really sad

Yeah I think a A gun A harder swing I'd rather sit with a bat My cat Deuce McAllister Yeah

Passed away Great running back Great cat Got fucked up by something He came back with his eye hanging out Oh my god He walked He like limped back to the house

See that's the thing Everything we're saying Everything we're saying After that Yeah they put Yeah the thing. Everything we're saying around there. After that? Yeah, they put it. Yeah, he got it. He was like yellow with John. No, but I mean, did you go to a vet, or did somebody throw it in the river?

I think my dad took it to the vet and put it down, I think. But then he buried it. If I know anything about your dad, I don't think he brought it. I don't think Mr. Gillis employed a lot of men. He's just on his phone, and he goes, I'm looking for a crick. Now that you guys mentioned it, I definitely was lied to. My favorite, though, is he took our black lab to put it down, and then he tried to bury it in the backyard.

It was a huge dog, so it took him like four hours to dig this hole. And there was just a dead dog in the back of his car. It had stiffened. He had to carry it. Did you go look at it? No. Oh, no. And he had to carry it. Oh, no. Did you go look at it? No, no, no. No, he had to carry like a fully stiffened black lab.

With the paws coming out of the sheet? Yeah. Oh, my God. It looked like it was something about Mary. Yeah. Or he's got a new cast. Dude, that is digging your pet's grave. That's some dad shit, too.

It's the best way to get over it. Because while you're digging, you're just like, you know what? Fuck this fucking thing. Dig and cry. By the end of it, you're not even sick It's the best way to get over it. Because while you're digging, you're just like, you know what? Dig and cry. By the end of it, you're not even sick. I was going to say, you start by crying and by the end, you're like, it's fucking hot. I'm tired. Fucking sweaty. I'm going to go to sleep.

I'm tired. I'm going to sleep in this grave. Dude, I feel like we've got a lot of good material for next skits here. I think a lot of sketches came out of this. Killing cats. A lot of cat murder. I don't know if John will like that. But I do. I actually do think that'd be funny.

Yo, you guys are on fucking fire. Thank you very much. It's so goddamn good. It's so fucking funny. And I really would have bet that a Trump sketch right now would have been like, we're still doing this, but that was fucking. Joe, man. Trump speed dating is

fucking funny. Trump kind of wrong. There's a lot of funnier ways to do it. Over the top of what he is instead of just what he is. Which is the funniest thing ever. And you know what I think is the funniest thing about that skit wasn't even like the sex stuff. When you were just like, social media.

I was so good at it, they wouldn't let me do it. Just little things like that were the funniest things. And fucking Kyla coming in at the end. Kyla Fox. Kyla's wild, dude. Kyla's so many sketches so far. She is just Uncle Daycare, Trump sketch. Yeah.

I mean, dude. I don't think what else she's in. Yeah. Uncle Daycare. Dude, her as a lady uncle. I was possibly. I mean, you haven't missed. He'll show me cuts of the sketches.

And I'm like, I was at his house and he showed me a cut of uncle daycare and I fucking lost it at the Foley line Oh, he's only a trolly is sitting down for speed dating. It's great You sure we'll probably put out the outtakes that cuz any any time Foley's on he just has lines Like we're like I cuz none of its really written It's all just kind of like I get to this get to this, get to this. And then Foley will sit down and just ramble for like a minute of just the craziest shit. He's just going to sit there like. And Chris Wood.

That's out of his mind, dude. I mean, the football sketch that you guys did where he says he's looking for clues. We're going to be out there looking for clues. What's your favorite one so far? I like the coach sketch. Football coach? Yeah, man. What's great is watching John McKeever is one of the funniest human beings on the planet.

So to finally get, you know, like people need to watch his shit. Go watch his old stand-up. He's fucking hilarious. Yeah. He stopped doing stand-up, which is insane. Which is always so good. Those are always the guys that are the best. Really?

Yeah, man. My friend Joe Alexander stopped doing it, and he was way better than me. And you're like, what are you doing? They're just over the lifestyle. They're over the fucking grind. They don't know. Shit happens. Also, there is a period where it does suck.

Like a long period. The whole time until you make it. I mean, I think you guys are crazy. Yeah, it sucks a lot. And so when you see people quit that are really good, it's a bummer. Because you're like, damn. Because then you see people who suck, who keep going. And they start making all that money they make.

You're like, I know a guy that should have that money. But McKeever stopped definitely. He just likes directing and acting. And he's unbelievable. The way those are shot. Those sketches, man. It's hard when a friend makes a sketch and and the lighting sucks, and the sound is off, and it's directed terribly, and then you've got to be like, I always do like a, I see

what you're going for, so these are awesome. Dude, just the reluctant share. Oh, is there anything worse when your friend puts out something shitty, and you're like, he shared a bunch of my stuff. Like, share. Sleep Cop looked like, I told you this last time on the unreleased tapes, Sleep Cop looked like a fucking TV show. I mean, like, the way that was. I'm telling tapes, Sleep Cop looked like a fucking TV show. Yeah.

I mean, like, the way that was. I'm telling you, man, McKeever's fucking unbelievable. Book Light, that's our production company. Yeah, Book Light does a great job. Yeah, man. And then the fucking Militia with the game. Yeah, that was fun. I think the Militia with the game might be my favorite one. Yeah, that was a fun one.

It's fun watching Reggie Conquest blow up in a lot, because he's in that damn Michael Che show. He's in Gillian Keeves. He's funny as fuck, too. Is this like a revenue thing at some point? I don't know. We'll see what happens. You just keep putting stuff out.

You're like Chance the Rapper. You just keep putting out mixtapes with no record deal. We'll see what happens. I think it's good, so I'll keep making it. But you know, it's also like, if you know that group of guys, they had this unbelievable pilot at Comedy Central called Delco Proper.

Yeah. And it was like, you watch it. Tommy and McKeever. Say no more what the title is. All right, it's good. But it's McKeever, Tommy Pope,

and it's all the guys. That's how John is with acting too. Yeah. Like he was with stand-up. He's probably the best in our group of friends at acting. When he came in and played your... And he doesn't like doing it.

Your partner in the sleeping cop sketch? Yeah. He kills it. He's so good. Kills it. Yeah. Yeah. What happened to that is the pilot just didn't get picked up, because now I just think...

It got picked up by Comedy Central, and then they didn't put it on it. Yeah, I think they killed it. I don't know. Because nowadays, it just feels like you can do these things. Well, that's the thing. Certain things are such a big scale, you do need, like, a studio or whatever. For sure. But a lot of stuff, it's like, just go do doco proper.

Like, fucking. Yeah, man, you can make shit. The technology's all there. You can make it yourself. Crazy. You know, these guys are proof of that. It's fun to watch. It's fucking great to watch.

I feel like it's got to be, I mean, it's pretty much, like, universally agreed upon right now. Everybody who's sharing it is like, these sketches are the best thing on the internet right now. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, it feels good. And these are pretty funny people sharing. What's nice about the Trump thing was like,

I can do impressions. Yeah. You know what I mean? And everybody, like, as soon as, you know, when I got fired from Saturday Night Live, everybody was like, ah, he wouldn't have lasted. He's never acted, all that. The fact that you're doing sketches.

I could do something well you know what's funny is that's like I feel like maybe that's why I tried doing Moneyball maybe you know he got drafted

he washed out and then started working hard and built it back up found a way to because he loves the game and stuff I don't know found a way to

rebuild the structure but I feel like showing that you know you show that Trump sketch and as someone that was let go of a show like SNL does a lot of Trump shit,

Lauren must have saw that and been like, oh, cool, no, I'm not mad that you're doing awesome Trump. Anybody there who actually still has a sense of humor left, seeing the last five, six weeks in a row of sketches, must be like, fuck, we do sketch comedy. The guy we fired for bullshit reasons is doing the best sketches on the planet Earth right now. Nice. Thanks, man. Yeah. No, I mean, I'm not doing it out of spite.

That's got to be so fucking good. No, not at all. There's no part of me that's spiteful at all. But it's also, this is what happens when you get to do shit with the people you want to make stuff with. You know, when you're making it with your friends and there isn't that corporate interest to be like,

man, we're going to need you to not say her pussy stinks. Right. As Donald Trump. You're like, no, let it fly. Let it fucking fly, dude. And I think we're in, I think we're at that phase now and in like all pop culture where it's like, you can see where the networks are and they're like, people don't want to hear this. But then they're like, well, let's go to the internet. Get what the fuck I want.

Yes, they do. I remember Ryan Long was saying that like people were like oh yeah you're so brave with your sketches and he's like I've been doing this kind of material in front of people on the road and stuff like that. They're cackling laughing so it's not a risk. I know that the masses will like it.

Yeah what six people loudly say on the internet doesn't mean that's what everyone fucking feels. Yep for sure. And you see that. You see it with comedy all the time. People are like, that's inappropriate. And it's also like all the comics that we love now, like Richard Pryor's and shit, there was a whole group that were like, he shouldn't be

fucking saying that. Fuck that. Don't let him say that. And then that all washes away and you're like, oh shit, this guy's one of the greatest of all time. You guys both back on the road now? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I didn't stop. Yeah, he never stopped. I got pulled off for a little bit, but I'm back now. And is Billions...

Yeah, we finished season five. That's why I'm back on the road. Because they were heavy on the COVID protocol. I could. I got it. I just couldn't go get a new version. They didn't want me to re-up. The dude on the fucking Yankees got the Johnson & Johnson shot and then just got COVID. Really? It just didn'tkees got the Johnson & Johnson shot and then just got COVID.

Really? It just didn't work. Damn. Johnson & Johnson is just fucking fake. Johnson & Johnson was like, Oh, this episode's pulled. Oh, you did it. Yeah, here we go.

It was a slanderous episode with a bunch of cat murder. They sexually harassed the producer at one point, saying Tiger Woods was... I said Tiger Woods! I forgot you did that. I said Tiger Woods. Ma'am, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I said Tiger Woods.

I'm sorry I brought this monster. I said Tiger Woods. I'll bring this whole company down. No one's wearing a mask! I'll fucking rip this whole goddamn thing down! All right, let's go do Answer the Internet. Awesome, dude. That's right. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.