KFC Radio - Dan Soder: Son Of A Gary, Steve Cohen Saves The Mets, Stranded in Montpelier, VT

Episode Date: December 5, 2019

It's happening! It's really happening! The Wilpons are selling the Mets to a mega-billionaire and everything is finally turning around for KFC (maybe). John has never seen Demolition Man so KFC explains the entire plot to him. When are you too old to play spin the bottle? Can couples go to college together? How much pizza have you eaten in your life? Worst travel stories.Dan Soder, the Michael Jordan of Answer The Internet, returns to talk about his new special (Son of a Gary) on HBO, dead dad jokes, the alternative names for the special, how to suck your own dick, Pats/Niners potential Super Bowl, and his roommates Mike Vecchione & Handsome PeteYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio brought to you by Mountain Dew. This NBA season, Mountain Dew is all about the three ball, baby. That's the shot that changed the game the same way that Mountain Dew is changing the game. They challenge people to pursue their passions, so they're aligning with the most badass shot in all of sports, pushing the boundaries, taking hoops to the next level,

take your drink to the next level. Mountain Dew, they're all about being badasses. We're the most badass people on the planet. We are? The most badass podcasters. We're the most badass podcasters in this room. Yeah, that's true. I'm sick and I'm like, I'm powering through, so that's badass.

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Whatever it may be, get out there, be a badass, and get it done. Drink your Mountain Dew while doing it. It's the official beverage of the NBA and the official beverage of badasses everywhere. We're going to go. Do we have an interview today? I don't know. It doesn't even fucking matter because the Wilpons are selling the fucking team, John. The more I'm reading, it's actually happening, and it's happening like right now.

I can't believe it's happening. It happened so fast. I think it was like just this morning, right? Tiki was like. Tiki said yesterday, he's like, I heard someone selling. Everyone's like, what do you fucking know, Tiki? 12 hours later. Done.

And the more and i wish i wish the the report we got on the rundown was very like well they're upping controlling stake in five years and i wish i had known it during the rundown that guy's very i got dismissed wait i mean even that with kevin rosenthal tweet i was like this is official yeah tommy was like yeah there's like a upping of the stake in five years but they're still controlling no this is it they're fucking selling the team. They stay on. That tweet that everyone poo-pooed was they're staying

on in name only as CEO and COO or whatever the two times they have on it. You don't up your money and buy something and then let two other jabronis who are known assholes continue to run the company. What if in the next five years they ran it into the ground? You're going to buy something and let someone ruin it in five years?

Don't give it to me in half a decade give it to me now right fucking now and it's so it's 80 he's got controlling uh controlling stake now and then in five years when they're totally out he is like the deal the real deal it's also steven fucking cohen who is going to, I mean. Was he a hard-on already? Yes. Like, small-time owner. In the past, when there's been, like, you know, made-off shit and all that stuff, there was talks about him doing this.

Yeah, didn't he plead guilty? I believe he did. Yeah, yeah. For fraud. That's what I mean. Like, $1.8 billion in fraud or something like that. Yeah, like, by any means necessary. Like, the Mets are going to win the World Series within the next, like, 10 years.

Oh, boy. This is where, see, this is where you worry me. Because you are, you're almost like a, like a Barstool Chicago writer, where everything is so volatile. Everything's either, like, you go from, I mean, literally earlier today, it was, I'm going to stop being a Mets fan. Yep. And then now, two hours later, it's like they're going to win.

You got to just work on staying level. John, you had an 86-year curse, right? You got new ownership. Boom, you won a World Series. The Cubs, 108-year curse. Got new ownership. Boom, won a World Series. When you get new owners, you get new blood.

You get a guy who is buying a franchise in a big market, who's starving for a win. He's not going to do that to just be like a passive owner. He's going all in. Yeah, the new owner thing does play. I mean, every time, and the Dodgers even. They haven't won it, but they've been like 50 times in a row, and they make the playoffs every year since they got new ownership. When you get new blood in, especially in a big market

and a team that's been failing, the only reason you do that, especially as a Long Island guy, he's a New yorker he wants to win a new york team it's not like he's just like in the mix in the league it's it's his team he's at least gonna maybe maybe yeah yeah you can't guarantee but like they're gonna be in the mix he will go steven cohen bro bobby axelrod is modeled after steven cohen billions is is about Stephen Colton. Oh, really? Yeah. This guy is not fucking around. This guy is gonna blow through a luxury tax and be like, fuck it. We're cheating. We're buying. We're winning.

I didn't know that. Yeah. That's a nice... I got Bobby Axelrod as my fucking owner now. I went from the worst owner in the world to like the best. It's like Mark Cuban. What's serendipity with dan soda on today beautiful billions it's all coming full circle dan soda funniest guy on the planet steven cohen best owner on the planet it's it's like mark uh mark cuban but with like

more shadiness and shrewdness and don't give a fuckness it's exactly what i've always wanted has he been uh an owner that you like i think it's all about or i mean i knew about it because i'm a fucking you know weirdo um i don't think he has ever had any controlling interest he's never had much say in anything i think it's just been like an investment but i think for this like you know get my foot in the door hold my hold my spot and then when the time is right and i don't know why this is the time i don't know what the deal is i don't know what what finally maybe it was the fire will pond shirts maybe it was the fire willpon shirts maybe it was the four fire willpon shirts that i've sold at times maybe maybe the made-off

thing really did just bleed them dry maybe it's the fact that they needed to take out loans every fucking year just to operate the team maybe baseball finally stepped in maybe it's manfred once he got in the show maybe he started pulling strings i don't know i don't care if finally fucking happened. Now. And by the way, as much as we're saying the Wilpons are entitled only, if they do have any sort of say in anything, one would think they would go balls to the wall in the next five years. Yeah. So maybe they're going to go crazy.

And then Steve and Cohen are going crazier. They get the... Yeah. Like, while they're still... Like Selina Meyer wanting to free the goats or whatever it was. Yeah, while she was still getting the credit. Yeah, so she could get the Nobel Peace Prize. She'll be – they'll be the one on the parade.

They'll be the one taking the trophy. Yeah, and they make that next guy's job harder. I mean – But the big question here is it's kind of an old comedy trope is that comedians were scared to get healthy mentally because they were scared to lose their funny. If you get happy sports-wise, are you worried that you lose your funny and you lose

your edge? Probably. Don't care. You better hope. You tell me. Are you worried? I will. People say it to me all the time like you you love this you love when your teams are bad because it's like good for business i'm like listen i turn a negative into a positive i'll give you that much for sure it's also not good for business speaking from someone with successful sports teams much better to have successful i say that all the time between how much merch we could sell how much camera time you get the exposure the

travel the all that shit it's pretty good for business to have a winning team and i also today we had a super bowl meeting and it was fight zero five on saturday but probably it's monday right you'll probably be there through monday because the majors are in it once again i also will gladly accept the challenge of trying to find a way to make content as not the loser fan. Because... It'll be nice, right? It's fun to do different things. It's so nice.

I will say it is funny. When I do the goddamn Jets and they win, I'm just like, hey, fucking cool, man. They won. I have a lot more to say when they lose because I just have so many more thoughts and criticisms of the team. If the Mets, if Stephen Cohen comes in and does what i think he's gonna do i'll be so happy i'll be so happy like because i i i really think he'll do it in a way where not only will they be like a contender i bet you all right i'm getting ahead of myself i'm getting ahead of myself i'm i am i was gonna say that i think it would be like the envy of – like people would be like, I wish I was a Mets fan.

Here's what I fear. I fear cocky KFC because I fear that the Jets are – they look okay. They look okay. They could have something, right? And then I fear the Mets get good. And I don't know how I will handle a Kevin telling me my team sucks. The times are a-changing.

Like, what if? I'd like to point out that I've always been very sympathetic with you. Yeah, you have. Except for the times that you tell me that your life is harder because you lose in the Super Bowl and shit. I am excited to see you taste that. You know what? I don't even think I'm going to taste that.

I think if I get there, I'm going to win it. Wouldn't it be funny? Imagine if like, what if Brady did fall off the Kellerman cliff? And what if this Stephen Cullen thing happened? And imagine if it was just like, imagine if we just changed. Freaky Friday. Just ships in the night? Yeah.

By the way, people are being like, oh, like five more years. And as we've explained, it's not really that. It's happening right now. But even if it was, that's a fucking drop in the ocean. You know what I mean? We've been doing this a long time. Five years. Okay.

Yeah. I'm 34. Blink and I'll be five. Five years. I think of five years ago, that's when the Mets were back in the World Series. I think of the 2015 run as like yesterday. Yeah. Five years.

I'll do that in my fucking sleep. I did say maybe we can freeze me, like cryogenically, for five years. You know, like Demolition Man? Wake me up in five years? I don't know that. I know cryogenic freezing is from Office of Powers,

but I don't know what Demolition Man is. Oh, you've never seen Demolition Man? I don't think so. Sylvester Stallone? No. Wesley Snipes? No. Oh.

So, when you go to jail, you get frozen. And then some people don't ever get let out. Some people get let out later. So Wesley Snipes is a bad guy who gets frozen, who gets out. And then Sylvester Stallone is a guy who gets frozen. I think like, what's it called? Unjustly, like he didn't commit the crime.

And he's a cop. So basically, they have these two old school guys who are in the future chasing each other. It's fucking dope. What's really funny is I believe the future is 2010. They're cryogenically freezing people. They have sex with a headset. You'll actually love this. You'll love this.

You'll love it if this ever happens. Sandra Bullock is the chick in it. They have sex at one point. She takes this thing and she puts it over. If you're watching on barcelogold.com slash KFC right right now you'll see she puts it like over her eyes like this and she like pushes a button and she's like and she just like comes and sylvester salone thinks they're like about the fuck and he's like what no like i gotta put my dick inside you you know and she's like whoa we haven't done that since like 97 what are you about? We used to take a lot of liberties with the future.

I want to say 1999 is a part of this movie. Things are happening in 99. We've gotten smarter with it, but I don't even think future movies give a year anymore. It's in the distant future. We used to be like hoverboards and fucking sit floating houses

and all these different kinds of freezing. It was like 25 years. Yeah. Not that much has changed. We have phones now in our pocket. That's really about it. Yeah. Phones actually got like bigger.

Some phones used to be tinier. They somehow got bigger. Wow. Wow. So we think that like it's just. I am Jesse whatever right now. What does that mean? Jesse from. I'm so excited. I'm'm so excited i'm so excited i'm scared yeah happy for you i'm there's a part of me that's a little scared well part of me it's the unknown you're afraid of the unknown it's like i know

losing i kind of know what to expect that's why i don't like getting my hopes up i got my hopes up for the bangles and i was so mad about myself this is the biggest of getting your hopes up this is me putting all my chips in the middle being like like, this is going to be it. But I mean, I don't see logically a scenario under which if you're doing this, and you're this kind of guy, you're a finance guy, you're a shady dude, you're a New York guy, and you're buying this team that grossly underachieves

and doesn't spend, chances are you're going to do like the total opposite, right? There's no way he just comes into town and he's just like, well, I have this little pet project. Yeah. Right? Yeah, I mean, you reference my teams. That's what Kraft did.

That's what John Henry did. You get new ownership. It's because there are guys who are like, and that guy is basically like a fan. Jeremy Jacobs was, he was lauded as like a Wilpon type whereas like Who was that? Jeremy Jacobs the owner of the Bruins

he's actually he gave it to controlling to his son now but it was he was the owner for a while it was the they don't spend they'll never win with the Jacobs

blah blah blah blah blah and then there was a shift in the mid 2000s where it was like okay we're gonna go now and the Bruins are obviously a contender a contender

a contender I mean that's if the will ponds ever just decided to stop being assholes stop meddling and everything and spend their money they'd probably be fine too i feel like that's what steven cohen's gonna do unless the only thing is that there's always the chance that it's like a jerry jones daniel snyder like he's got the money and he's got the drive but he wants to control you know but as like a guy, I feel like he's pretty smart in the sense of like, I think those guys are like, let's just achieve like the bottom line.

Let's achieve the money. Let's achieve the goal. And it doesn't matter if it's me or who. Those things are, I don't understand people like that. You know you can't do this. You are not equipped. The idea that like money makes you smart is so silly.

Especially when you – come on. Jeff Wilpon, you know you fucking inherited that. If you're an adult – sometimes I think about Dave. I think Dave is a stubborn asshole and I think he does a lot of things stupidly that we would be in a better spot if we did it differently. But I also can totally understand where he's like, we're going with my gut because it got me from the fucking basement of my wife's parents' house to here. So it's gone pretty good. So my gut usually will get me – it like, do I think we could have gone maybe a little bit further?

Have we done it this way? Sure. But when you build something and you are successful and you make your money, you probably are pretty confident in your decision-making abilities. When you're the son of that guy, you know deep down you've never fucking earned any of this. What's Pacino say in The Irishman? What does he say?

I don't remember. One group of people you can never trust, millionaire's kids. Yep. I mean, the most silver spoon assholes in the world. And that was in the 70s, so you'd probably move it up to billionaire's kids now. Right.

But that applies. And I mean, James Dolan, the son of Charles. Charles was the one who fucking built that whole thing. James Dolan inherits it. Shit's all over it. Jeff Wilpon, same fucking thing. So it's a new day. I cannot believe it.

I never thought this was happening. You really didn't. I remember because we just learned recently this year. It's so funny that me and Clem made the, we got to believe, like, mission to get this done. And we were joking about how we just found out that Jeff Wilpon has a son. Something, something so douchey. His name is like.

Yeah, you've told it to me. And we were like, that's it. It'll be passed down to him. We're never getting rid of this. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the fire Wilpon shirts. Maybe it was me rattling the cages about that pregnant woman they fired. I don't know! I don't know!

But it's fucking happening. I mean, spring training can't get here fast enough. I can't wait for Mets baseball now, baby! Let's go! What else do we got? Alright, so, Stan Soder's on the show. His answer to the internet is out right now. He is the best answer to the internet player on the planet.

If there was a league, if there was a ranking system, Answer the Internet is out right now. He is the best Answer the Internet player on the planet. It's not even close. If there was a league, if there was a ranking system, if there was a championship, he would fucking win it. He is unbelievable. Someone tweeted today, it's amazing how fast we found the MJ of ATI. And the quickness with which he answers questions. If people accused us of giving him the questions ahead of time, I would be like, that's a valid point. I don't know. Did he see them somehow?

I don't know how he has these answers on the tip of his tongue. And also, I didn't realize this. He did the blowjob question twice. We gave him the, would you rather have $100? I had a feeling we did that. And I had a feeling just because I know we've done that question in the past and it happened to come out of the deck. And what a professional.

He just did it. He just did it again. Same answer, too. He didn't flip-flop or anything. And, you know, he could have said, I already had this one. Nope, just fucking. And I'm sure he came up with a funnier joke this time, too.

You know? Goddamn professional. And that son of a bitch had the nerve. So one of the questions was, would you rather be invisible or have a clone of yourself? And he picked the clone of himself, and then he said he'd end up having a Rocky and Apollo type fight where, you know, you both punch at the same time. And he was like, you remember that painting?

And I was like, we're going to make you a painting. We're going to get that done. So I have Trigg draw a Trigg cartoon of Soder fighting Soder. And that motherfucker Dan sends back a picture of the actual painting that he was referencing because there's a painting of it that's like an oil painting with this kind of like abstract and smeared and he was like oh really nailed it fuck you Soder

I got a fucking internet cartoon guy I didn't tell you I was going to paint you a Monet I bet you could do that probably I guess maybe I had given him explicit direction but I mean Jesus Christ Dan I'm sorry I don given them explicit direction. But I mean, Jesus Christ, Dan. I'm sorry I don't have fucking 20th century expressionist pointillism fucking. Remember pointillism?

No. I mean, I remember the word. That's because you're not cultured. I could tell you what kind of art it is. I imagine it's a lot of dots. Yeah, I think so. I'm sure. So Dan's on the show.

His ATI is out now. He has a new special, December 7th, Son of a Gary. We have seen. We got a screener for that. It is really, really, really funny. If you're not going to be around Saturday night, understandable, but DVR it. It's very fucking funny. It's so good.

The bit he does about how his dad drank himself to death is so funny. It sounds crazy to say, but it's so fucking funny the way he does it. So Soder's on, literally my favorite guy in the industry. And we got some voicemails to get into. Yeah. Voicemails today are brought to you by Omaha Steaks. Omaha. Omaha.

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It is. It's like such a race on the food for what two deliveries cost. That's unreal. omahasteaks.com, promo code KFC. Hey, KFC. Hi, SuperVirginiaBC. So the other night, my friends and I were at our apartment, and we were all drinking and playing drinking games,

and then somehow it turned into spin the bottle, and I don't know, things just got like super weird like everyone was kissing and platonic friends were kissing and I guess it's not that big of a deal because we're all single such platonic friends but like we were too old for that so I don't know things got the more I think about it the weirder I think it was. So, I guess my question for you is, like, is that weird? How old is too old to be playing spin the bottle anymore? I mean, you know, like over 13.

Yeah. That's a weird move. Because it is. It's just like the. Have you ever played? I've never played spin the bottle. I don't think I ever have. I've never played spin the bottle. I've never done seven I ever have. I've never played Spin the Bottle.

I've never done Seven Minutes in Heaven. I've never done it. Definitely not Seven Minutes in Heaven. That one's crazy. It's like, what are you? You want me to go in there and fuck her in the fucking closet? Like, seven minutes is a long-ass time. I believe I was once, like, in a game, but I never, like, spun the bottle.

I've absolutely not. The more I think about it, I've definitely never sat down in a circle. Never spun the minute it kissed in a circle right like i've never been in any place where a bottle was present to spinning yeah i don't i don't i didn't know that was a thing i didn't know like kids actually played that yeah i thought i saw it in movies and stuff like that i guess these people write kids movies see it i actually almost think it's we did you did you did yeah oh yeah suburban kids i don't know well i mean i was a suburban kid too but I didn't fucking – I didn't do that. And you would just – everybody just did it and it was all good? Yeah, it was pretty weird.

Looking back. Is that where you had your first kiss? No, no. Can you hear that? Can you? Yeah. Yeah, no. It was – I don't know how the hell it ended up happening, but yeah, I think it was just

a bunch of single people sitting around, everyone trying to hook up with somebody specific, cheat the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just trying to spin it in such a way. You know, like, oh. I feel like it's actually maybe, apparently in Iowa, but I almost could see it being more reasonable to do like she's talking about, like, as a joke almost, rather than being like 13 and being like,

let's fucking make out, play spin the bottle. I, I, I think you have to fuck if you do it now. I honestly, listening to this,

I thought it was good. Right there in the circle. I thought it was going to be like, we turn into an orgy. Like, is that weird? And maybe that's just what I, I call it.

Yeah. I mean, but like, that's exactly what I thought that was. That's more KFC radio than like, we just like, so we're all kissing and then like, I don don't know we started having sex and like the eight of

us were just having sex with each other yeah i was like all right that's probably what's happening here and the answer is still gonna be yeah it's pretty fucking weird yeah but that's pretty cool too though i don't like i also i also don't like like really kiss that much like i don't want to kiss i don't want to kiss strangers forget about all that i don't want to kiss unless there's do you have enough friends to you got a pretty big friend group, I guess. But I don't know if I even have enough of like a mixed company crowd where I could like rally up a gang to play fucking spin the bottle. There are so many things I would rather do, like spin the bottle.

Like, oh, it lands on us. We have to dance together. Kissing is gross. Without an end goal, kissing is the most feeble activities. Would you do it if you were fucking? No, that would be even worse. Like, just have sex with a random person, spin the bottle, leave that up to the states?

Like a friend. You know, like, not a random person. You know the person. I don't know. I think that would feel very odd. Oh, yeah, definitely. Like, it would almost, I know it's not... It's rapey.

Rapey, but it is. It feels super rapey. Where it's like, the gods have rapey but it is super rapey where it's like because like the gods have decided you have to have sex with me and maybe it's like i agreed to play the game but like boy i really didn't want to point towards you yeah i was hoping to point to that guy but i took my chances here there's only one person here i didn't want to fuck and right of a bitch it's you that's there that is there is nothing fun about spin the bottle i can't imagine could you imagine if somebody spins it and it lands on you and she doesn't mask her reaction?

If she's just like... In that case, people, I'm not doing this. I know, but I mean just knowing that you're the guy in the circle that nobody wants to fucking kiss. I feel like you know. You definitely know. I think if you know... Yeah, definitely. You sit down in a circle of people and be like...

I'm that guy. It's like Rounders. I just watched Rounders recently. It's exactly what it is. If you sit down and spin the bottle circle and you want to make out with everyone, that means no one wants to make out with you. There's always one. You can look around and be like, what if, oh boy.

Yep, it's me. It's me. I'm the outlier here. I feel like I'm trying to envision a scenario where i kind of where i do this and i'm thinking back to when i when i when we used to do all the the summer houses i talked about in the vermont houses during the winter we always kind of did it with like girlfriends and or like friends like we never were like using that to like hook up it was much more of like a party yeah but i feel like some people like go on those trips and

they get in those houses and it's like a fuck fest oh god that sounds awful i but i'm wondering like let's get drunk dude yeah and that's the way i did and that's why we had a lot of fun but like you know maybe maybe one or two times here or there rather than just do the same old let's party and play drinking games and then eat pizza. Like, what if we all just got kinky and played some games? You know, I don't think it's the end of the world. I know. No, that's how you engage.

No. What if your whole house decided one night? Everyone, I don't know. People are fucking popping some Molly this time instead. Everyone's feeling sexy. You would just check out. You'd be like, I'm not doing it. I mean, if I was like high or whatever, I don't know, maybe.

But in my right mind, I would definitely want to say no about that. Because that just ruins friendships. There's no way. Even just a little make out? I mean, a make out, no. Make out. Yeah, I feel like I would be more comfortable, like I said, as a 25-year-old in a party scene, jokingly, but going through with it,

playing spin the bottle versus like when i was 13 the party i was at where they were playing it i was like definitely afraid i was like please don't like i don't want to be i don't want to do this like you know what i mean yeah i guess like if i was drunk or whatever i mean kissing really isn't a big deal so i guess it's like whatever but it is when you're that age you know what i mean yeah yeah so like i feel like it's almost like if you were playing sex then the sex level of it now yes that's what it was as a kid then I mean it's the same thing right

well this is what this is what you do this is what we do with the other this is the biggest deal yeah I don't know it's

but I think anything over did you have any like weird games like that I never did any I never had any sort of we played truth or dare but I don't think

it was ever like I dare you to kiss me yeah I think it was just truth or dare like I dare you to kiss your pants I feel really I don't think I ever did that if I wish I had it's just Truth or Dare. Dare you to piss your pants. I feel...

Really? I don't think I ever did that. That's a good one, though. We should organize a Truth or Dare game just to do that to somebody. Piss your pants, bitch. We should add a wrinkle to ATI. You don't have to answer any question you don't want to, but there's a dare involved. Yeah. And you

always have to piss your pants. ATI, the game of piss panting. Let's go. Answer the question or piss yourself. Hey, guys. A few friends of me were debating this question. If you put together every slice of pizza that you've ever eaten, how many whole pizzas do you think you've consumed in your lifetime?

All right, guys. Viva. Let's say, what, eight pieces, eight slices in a pie? Yeah. I think in a standard, yeah. So every eight slices. How many pieces do I think I'm going to eat in my life? I don't know math, man.

This is like one of those questions, like, how many streetlights are there in New York City? How many basketballs can you fit in an airplane? I don't fucking know. If there's eight slices per pie, how many slices do you think you've eaten? I don't have a guess here. Let's say you've been eating...

It's like the ATMs I got robbed the other day. Nine ATMs got stolen for $39,000 total in cash. I would have told you that there was... I didn't know the number. I would have told you there were infinity dollars in ATMs. Based on Breaking Bad, just how hard it was to crack into that case, I would have thought there was a million in there. It's crazy.

$600,000. Let's say I eat. I'm going to say I've been eating pizza. I'm going to say on my own, where I'm getting my own pizza. Because, yeah, you go to a pizza party when you're a kid here or there. But I've been eating my own pizza since I was 13, let say let's say 14 i'll make it i've been eating pizza for even 20 years like going out getting my own pizza right i'm a little less than that despite the age difference i think i was probably like 16 i'm gonna get myself a slice okay before that

well i'm just doing it to make it relatively 20 years and i'll say i have you know pizza a lot of pizza in a year i was gonna go weekly how many things how many slices do you think you have weekly on average i was gonna say i have six slices of pizza a week right there are zero but okay i would i would bet if you broke it down i have six slices of pizza per week all right so if you were to let's let's round that up to eight because that would be a pie. You'd have a pie a week? So 52 pies a year. 52 times 20 is 1,000 pies.

1,040. I think that's a low. You got more than that. I don't know. I feel like that's actually kind of high. I don't know if I have a full six slices a week. I bet – okay. I mean, recently I've been eating healthy, so I haven't had – I guess when I'm just letting myself go, I always grab a week. I bet. Okay. I mean, recently I've been eating healthy, so I haven't had like,

I guess when I'm just like letting myself go, I'll always grab a slice. Guess what? Three slices of tuna. Yeah, it gets delivered. I actually don't really eat healthy. I just kind of like

don't eat horrendous. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because anytime I do something like, if I do a diet, I'm never going to, I won't last until noon.

Right. But I'm just like, just be a little more conscious. Well, the problem too, though, and I'm thinking about it, like right. But I'm just like, just be a little more conscious. Well, the problem, too, though, now I'm thinking about it. Like right now, I'll eat what gets delivered here, and I'll get pizza every now and then at home. But I have to like go to a place and get it.

But when I was living in Manhattan, I lived above a pizza place. So I had it every night. When I was living in Hoboken and I was broke, there was this place called Seven Stars. Their slices were like this big for like $2. So I could eat like – I'd get like full for like $2. So I was eating pizza like every day and night there. So over the course of a lifetime – Over under $1,500, lifetime.

I'm going to take the under but by like $1,490. I'm going over. I'm taking over for sure. Like heavy over? Like $3,000? Yeah. I mean there are so many pizzas. I mean, there are plenty of times I've taken down three pizzas in a day.

And I did throw out when you were a child, but that's actually when you're eating a lot of pizza. Pizza parties and, you know. Oh, yeah, I'm counting that. I would put myself in the 1,800, 1,700, 1,800 range. It's calling you even two, John. 2,000 pizzas, you fat, dumb bitch. I would bet. I would bet.

Yeah, for sure. Okay. That's a good question. I like that one. How many pizzas do you fat dumb bitch. I would bet. I would bet. Yeah, for sure. Okay. That's a good question. I like that one. How many pizzas do you consume? That's a good answer to that question when you die and you want to know the stats. How many pizzas have I eaten? Or how many pounds of cheese? You know, when you think about it like that.

Cheese. Fuck cheese. Cheese is the best. Cheese is fine. Cheese is delicious I don't get people who have a cheese obsession Oh I get it It's one of the most important foods in the world Charcuterie boards I just raw dog the meat Oh those are so good

No it's raw dog the meat No you're missing out The meat goes with the cheese I had a charcuterie board just last night I ate all the meats Yeah and the meats. Yeah, and the meats are good, too. Yeah, but it's like, I don't know. I like a little mozzarella. You get some sharp

parmesan. You get the manchego. You get the brie. That's like a dessert. You get onions. Casey misrepresented me with this recently, which he said that I said I don't care for cheese, which is not true. I don't crave cheese. There's never been a time when I'm like, I need cheese. I like a cheese pizza. I don't crave cheese. There's never been a time when I'm like, I need cheese. I like a cheese pizza.

I like a cheeseburger. Cheese on a sandwich. I think getting cheese is earning an overrated tag. Cheese is crossing into a place where... There's a reason why that famous question is, would you rather give up cheese or blowjobs?

Well, because that's like, you're giving up pizza. You're giving up cheeseburgers. It's not like, would you rather give up cheese or blowjobs? Well, because that's like you're giving up pizza. You're giving up cheeseburgers. It's not like, would you give up the brie on a charcuterie board? It's the things that cheese are coming on, not cheese as a whole. If the question was, would you give up the cheese that you have on charcuterie boards but you can keep fucking grilled cheese and cheeseburgers? I bet everyone says cheese. Yes, but you can't separate that and say that cheese is overrated

because it does go into all those things. Cheese, fancy cheeses, all that stuff, I don't need it. I don't care for it. Give me American, maybe a little Monterey Jacks. Is this the microphone or is this my fucking thing? You don't like a little fresh mozzarella? Nope, don't care. Oh, I like the like Palos andio's, and I like, like, the fucking, like, Italian deli stuff, too.

No, there's, I'm just, it might be because I'm sick. I'm just getting sick of things everyone likes. And my Snapchat take today was just, like, it was, I mean, it was a video. It's just, like, fucking eight puppies running. And it's fine, but it's, like, I don't know. They're puppies, man. What's the deal with the doggos? What do you want me to say? Good boy. Here, there's some cute doggos. Here's eight good boys. Here's a pie piece, man. What's the deal with the doggos? What do you want me to say?

Good boy. Here, there's some cute doggos. Here's eight good boys. Doggo drogues. Shut up. You know what is better than fine? Truly hard seltzer. That is something, when I get to heaven,

I'm going to ask how many truly hard seltzers have I had? And by the time I'm dead, that number is going to be through the roof. Way higher than pizzas. You can drink truly hard seltzer year-round. It's great for the summertime, great for on the beach, great for by the pool, but you can drink it all year-round. You can drink it during the winter.

You can drink it during the summer, the fall, the spring, all the seasons. You can drink it here. You can drink it there. You can drink it anywhere. Dr. Seuss this shit, man. You can drink it in a box. You can drink it here. You can drink it there. You can drink it anywhere. Dr. Seuss this shit, man. You can drink it in a box. You can drink it with a fox. I feel like the truly hard seltzer is, I said this last episode, it's the biggest drinking revolution since Fireball.

And it's one of the greatest since bottling alcohol and selling it mass production-wise. The world's going to look back on the truly hard seltzer revolution and think that was the day that we revolutionized alcohol consumption especially because 100 calories and five percent abv so you're not going to get fat but you are going to get buzzed that's a good combo and they've got the citrus pack the berry pack the tropical pack they got uh lime grapefruit orange and lemon wild berry, wild berry, blueberry, raspberry, black cherry, pineapple, mango, passion fruit, and watermelon kiwi.

Tell you what, watermelon kiwi is a sexy drink. You get some watermelon kiwi, truly hard seltzer, you plan to spend the bottle. Who wouldn't like that? Jimmy Hoffa. Yeah. How much did he love that ice cream, huh? He liked ice cream.

He didn't care for watermelons or alcohol. That was a ridiculous... That scene where they like... Like, did Hoffa not know they were just getting drunk on fucking watermelon? I guess. That was crazy. But I'm thinking about it now. What about a little watermelon soaked Truly?

Truly soaked watermelon. Watermelon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be pretty good. Get a little bubbles. Truly Soaked Watermelon. Watermelon, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that'd be pretty good. Get a little bubbles in it, and, you know, that's not a bad idea.

Maybe that's next for you guys, Truly. So, go get yourself a Truly Hard Cell to drink it year-round. Let's get back to these voicemails. Hey, guys, so this is Rachel, a long-time listener. I've called a couple times. Hello, Rachel.

So a little bit of a back story. I just moved to Chicago post-graduation, and I don't really know anyone here. So I was on the bus today coming home from work, and this girl swiped her bus pass away that I've been trying to figure out on her phone. And in Chicago, we don't do that. So I was asking her after she did it. And then we kind of started talking, and we were like hey we should like like she was new we should go get drinks sometime and she then was telling me well she had to go break up with

her boyfriend yada yada um then i get home and after exchanging numbers she's called me seven times she's texted me saying how she's afraid for her life. She needs to come over. She's just kind of very quickly obsessed with me and I'm just wondering do you guys think that this is the plot of a scary movie and should I drop this as she just talked about because she's

still texting me, still trying to call me, still saying like, hey, let's go get drinks tonight and yeah, just kind of wondering. And she said, I fear for my for my life by the way that was one of the texts i guess she said you're done with the breakup of the boyfriend yeah i mean this is the best advertisement in history for just minding your own uh rachel rachel's her name rachel just google the bus pass thing don't ask strangers stuff like that just be like like, hey, Google, I live in Chicago now. Ask Siri, you don't have to type it. I live in Chicago now.

What's this bus pass thing I see these people using? Don't you ask strangers. You end up having to fucking deal with their problems. We get a lot of calls that are always like, I moved to a new city, I'm out of college. How do you meet people? It's like, you don't, and you shouldn't want to. I have zero friends in New York City from outside

of Arsenal Sports. Think about this. Anybody that you meet in that city that's willing to be friends with you, unless, by the grace of God, you run into someone who just moved there as well and you're cut from the same cloth, you're in the same situation. Anyone who you meet who's willing to be friends with you means they don't have any friends. Right. And so they're a weirdo. No one is, like, I mean, Drake's no new friends is very spot on.

Once you hit an age, I guess she's out of college, so she's younger. But, like, I think I hit, like, 18 is probably, like, when you stop growing, like, size-wise. Mm-hmm. 21, 22 is when you're like, I've met the people I need to meet. I mean, pretty much college. I guess as long as, if someone, like, cosigns for you. I've met the strangers I need to meet. I mean, pretty much college. I guess as long as... If someone, like, cosigns for you... I've met the strangers I need to meet. You can get into work and end up liking someone.

But, like, just talking to people... Or, like, I mean, like, if you... If I met someone through you when I was 25... Right. And we became cool, it's like, but I had that proof from you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the cosign. You meet a stranger,

and they want to be friends with you back, and they are not, like, new to that city or something. They have their own fucking issues. They're probably fucking weirdos. There's a reason why they're down to be friends with you back and they are not like new to that city or something. They have their own fucking issues. They're probably fucking weirdos. There's a reason why they're down to hang out with you is because they lost all their other friends by being the weird, obsessive person who texts too much. Yeah, it's, I mean,

if someone is willing to give you their phone number on a bus, don't take that phone number. I mean, you got to move. No, because she doesn't know her address and stuff yet. They haven't hung out yet. You met her on the bus right that's like your commute son of a bitch you're gonna see this girl again uber at least once uber time yeah well yeah bite the bullet yeah start taking uber pools you don't have to

maybe move like cities but you either got to move apartments so you're on a new commute route or you got to do a whole new mode of transportation yeah get your bike on get start walking start running start driving imagine a bike through chicago winters just because of a person. I respect it. I get it. You're dying of frostbite. It's like, well, why are you doing that? Let me tell you the story. You explain the situation. They'd be like, I get it. I get it. It makes perfect sense. I mean, it's anyone, anyone

who would, like, think about yourself. What are you bringing to the table? Anyone who's eager to be your friend? Again, work is the only place that works because you can maybe see someone learn things about them watch them operate for a while and a little close someone is like i think the same thing with people in bars like like opposite sex stuff i will i i don't know what a girl could say to me in a bar to be like i probably hi but the like i'm gonna

give her my phone number we're gonna talk i don't think i would do that i don't think i'd be like all right let's we've had we've been talking for five minutes what the hell do you like about me that's what it's really i i don't respect you for respecting right it's like what if you if you're down with me that means you're fucked up yeah there's there's no i think i know i know what i'm bringing to the table i know what i'm bringing up i think that like that's for the long run like if you like me after like a year you're really fucked up i could put on a good front for like five minutes that might you might think i'm better than i am no not me no no i feel like it's much more you're much more prone to learn i think i'm the opposite

i'm the i'm the i think long term i i'm very very volatile we're like i think when you first meet me even if like you're friends of my friends even i don't really like him and then there will be probably six months in you'll be like he's a pretty good dude you know what he's a nice guy yeah i mean i remember the first time you met my ex-wife you slapped her in the face it's not true and then two years later it's true the uh you're gonna be like i don't like anymore. I have a year and a half window that you will like me, and it's not when you first meet me. Okay. All right.

That makes sense. Bottom line, though, no new friends, no new strangers, and anybody who wants to be down with you in that situation, red fucking flag. Hey, boys. So I know you don't deal with a lot of questions like this, but I'm a senior in high school, and I recently decided where I'm going to go to college and play football for the next couple years.

Probably not. Probably like six. But I was just wondering because my girlfriend of about a year and a half decided that she's going to go to the same college as me. Holy shit. I don't know if this means I have to switch colleges or make her switch colleges, but I definitely know that we can't be going to the same college as 18-year-olds. Just let me know what you want to do, and I prefer to get this answer sooner than later. This is crazier than the bus person.

Is the ex-girlfriend of a year and a half going to the same school? Current, right? Current girlfriend. What do you mean? He's dating this girl, and they're going to college, and she decided to go to the same college as him. Oh, I mean, that's not that unique a story. I don't think that's crazy.

That happens? Couples go to college together? Fuck yeah. Really? That's fucking nuts. That's a terrible idea. I mean, first of all... If you follow a boy or a girl to college, you're fucking an idiot.

I mean, look, if it's cross-state, if you're just going to your state school, I think that happens a lot. I guess so. If you're going to play football at University of Miami and you live in Idaho, then yeah, it's weird to go to University of Miami. But if you both just go to some small school not far from home... I don't know. I still feel like there's a lot.

I feel like a lot of people don't go to college together. I mean, I didn't go to college with anyone I went to high school with. I had like probably my first high school, my first college, probably like three kids in high school. I went there with, but okay.

So like, and now that I think about it, there was actually a couple of people, but like, that's not a lot. And so for the, the couple who's dating, like you're,

that's not just a coincidence. You're going because of that person. I mean, I think she clearly likes him. I think he does not just a coincidence. You're going because of that person. That's a horrible idea. I think she clearly likes him. I think he does not share the sentiment. But I think even, like if I was dating a girl in high school, maybe this is hindsight, but I feel like I had enough foresight to know that your high school relationship is not.

There's no shot. This is not the 50s, and you're not living in middle America, fucking Iowa, playing spin the bottle. I feel like, you know, this is a, is it time to move on eventually? And maybe not right away. You do not know that. Every, first of all, just because everyone who's alive that day, that those feelings are the most, you think they're for real forever.

I don't think like everything that's happening in your life that day is the most important thing to wrap your life. Did you think you, I don't know. I was dating a girl in high school i was like i'm not gonna marry this girl uh i want to be with this girl i i've i've never really had like a girlfriend in high school but i feel like people are and it's also like the things you consume the shows you consume are like the couples are like staying together and shit like that and i think that that warps your brain into thinking that oh like this is how it works like i guess high school

sweethearts are getting married and stuff like that and shows. They went off to college together. I don't think this is that crazy, but I think it's pretty simple. If you don't like her, don't go to the same... But so what does he do? He's got to change? I mean, this is a bad call because you've got to clarify what kind of school you're going to. If you're going to a state school, it doesn't

matter. I mean, either way, he's not changing because he's playing football. Yeah. So he's not going to give up his team that he made or whatever. You can't tell someone else to not go to college if that's where they want to go. Like, you're fucked. You have a crazy girlfriend who followed you to college and you were fucked.

You went to college and you have an ex-girlfriend while you were in college. People break up in college, too. I guess, but I feel like if the girl is the one who follows you there, that she's not just going to be like, oh, well, we broke up. I'm betting that this is not a big deal. This is not crazy. I'm betting that this is like a lot of people who went to this school. I've never known anybody who's never done it.

I've never known anybody who went to college as a couple together. But state schools aren't like it. My high school, not the high school I graduated from like my high school that I, like not my, the high school I graduated from, the high school I went to my freshman year, like a shitload of people went to UMass.

Yeah. I don't think it's, like New York doesn't really have like that. Well, SUNY schools are definitely a thing. But that's not for like

Bronx kids to go up there, right? Yeah, probably not, but. I think there are, most states have like a state school system

where it wouldn't be crazy to end up at the same school. Oh, I think that's such a bad, I mean, that't be crazy to end up at the same school. I think that's such a bad idea. I mean, that may be the case, but that's going to be messy. Yeah, I'm messy. And I guess if it's a big state school, you blend in. You get to see each other every fucking day. But as far as his actual answer, like I said, you're not going to leave because you're playing football.

And I don't think you are within – you can't go to someone and say you're not allowed to come. Yeah, you can't do that. It's not a bar night. Right. It's their decision. And you're right. She's probably going for you, but she's going to say to you, like, no, I'm going because it's got a great engineering program. It's like, you're fucked.

You can't tell them to do that. Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by seat geek um if you want to go see uh dan soda when he's on stage you want to go see uh your favorite broadway show maybe go see a magician or a mentalist we just talked to one of those guys recently uh jaggy little pill jaggy little pill all anis uh any sort of live entertainment you go to see geek they have all the tickets that are being resold on the secondary market everything available with full transparency and a full guarantee that you're going to get a real ticket. You can see exactly what the ticket holders are charging. Sometimes they're just trying to unload them at a cheap price.

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Download the SeatGeek app, go to settings, enter a promo code, write KFC, and you'll get $10 off your first SeatGeek purchase. That's promo code KFC for $10 off at SeatGeek. KFC fight super producer. What's up guys? Just wanted to reach out to you. Here I am the day before Thanksgiving. Got the guilt trip from the parents to travel home from Nashville to Philadelphia,

sick as a dog, about to fly on the worst day of the year. So I'm just wondering, what's your guys' worst travel story? Anyway, hope you guys have a great holiday. Viva. Thanks, man, retroactively. I traveled home from Newleans on a bachelor party sunday night we stayed we stayed through sunday night the saints were playing guys wanted to go to sunday night football i walked in the building i walked in the superdome or whatever it was at

the point i just turned right the fuck around left in the first quarter went back to the hotel tried to like regroup and then the flight home in the morning i was so hung over that i was like being like a chick where i was like no i must be sick this can't be a hangover this is something more and it was uh like one of those little tiny planes where the uh flight attendant has a seat that like folds down yeah that like blocks the bathroom and like not until you're at like you know the whatever the right elevation where they get up and walk around. Can you get to the bathroom? And I remember the drink cart was coming my way, and I'm dying for water.

And then it stopped and, like, went back, and there was one coming from behind. So I was, like, stuck in the middle. Like, I wasn't getting any water. And then I was in the bathroom of the airplane, and it was just coming out of everywhere. It was a catastrophe. I almost gave up drinking that day. I haven't been back to New Orleans since and I don't know if I'll ever go again.

You're missing out. I know. It has nothing to do with all the Crystal Burgers I ate and not even the partying, but it was the worst four-hour flight. I don't even know. It's not that far, right? No, it's not that far.

Yeah, it was the worst experience of my life. I have so many. The one where you're saying you must be sick reminded me of – this one wasn't a bad one for me, but it was we were driving home from Preakness, and one of my buddies was – he was laying down in the back seat, and he was like, I'm so sick, I'm so sick. And we're like, shut up, you fucking pussy. It's a hangover.

Deal with it. He ended up having the swine flu but the uh he was like he was so sick he was like googling he's like what's the next major city we're getting to and he would google flights he was perfectly going to be on time for one and then we're coming over the george washington bridge and my buddy's girlfriend calls him and and he puts her on speakerphone, and she's crying. And he's like, he's like, what's the baby? What's the matter?

What's the matter? And she's like, where are your friends, brother? He killed himself. And he committed suicide, and there was just like a silence in the back of the car, and there was silence across the whole car. And my buddy in the backseat just goes,

so jealous. It was like, and then I erupted into laughter. And this girl's on the phone still. Quickly. It was like the age of flip phones. Yeah. Snap magic. Close.

And he's like, what are you guys doing? I was like, how can I not laugh at that that is an alarming lack of social grace i don't blame you for laughing you have to laugh but that guy's saying that holy shit it was and then you got a call back and she'd be like why did you hang up on me because all my asshole friends were laughing at your dead brother and that was her brother it was her friend's brother it was like something we didn't even really know that's true it was like that's enough of a separation it's like are you

really crying that hard oh man but then i guess mine i don't really have any bad travel stories i i hitchhiked from vermont to springfield mass once in an 18 wheeler that was fucking fun it smelled like dead bodies but it was fun. Let's back that one up. I was at St. Michael's in Vermont, and I was taking a bus home, and we stopped at a gas station.

It's like they give you stuff after a few hours. I've definitely told this story. What, in the bus left without you? Yeah, I was getting Subway, and I was getting a bus left without me? yeah I was getting subway and the bus left without me so I was at a gas station and I was like I'm going to selectively hitchhike and so I was asking anyone I could take so you weren't doing like bum on the side of the road

you went around I was asking moms can I get in the van and they were like no we have children I was a college freshman I had a backpack and a subway how fucking dangerous did I look how many strikeouts before you found someone not a ton

I fear rejection so much I was like fuck it I'll just have someone murder me I was like fuck it I'll go to the truck drivers because they are always looking for someone but I picked a small guy from Peru barely spoke any English was there anybody that thought you were going to suck their dick I don't think so this guy barely spoke English he was Was there anybody that thought you were going to suck their dick?

I don't think so. This guy barely spoke English. He was talking about lesbians. He just keeps saying, I like lesbians. I was like, all right, man, I know what that means. I was sitting in the back on his bed, too, and it made a rotting flashback there. It was really, really bad.

But then I got to spring. It was pouring rain that night. It was like downpours through the woods of Vermont. And it was just like, what did I mean? This little Peruvian dude. He was up to my hip. He was so small. Anyway, we were going through like a North Hampton Mass. He's like, you know about North Hampton?

I was like, nah, man. What's up about North Hampton? And I was like, this is the first time he's really saying anything but lesbians. Lots of lesbians. That was all he could say. I just love lesbians, huh? Yeah, he's a big lesbian fan. That was it.

You have definitely not told that story. I think I have. Zero percent. No chance. I've told the one, like, I guess the worst travel story. No, I've told this one too, I think. When we went to a, okay, so I was, again, this was also when I was at St. Mike's, and I bought tickets to an OAR show because I was like – it was in Canada, but I was like – it was probably like two weeks into or three weeks into school, whatever, really early. It was football season, but it was really early in school.

And again, you kind of miss your friends. It's been a month and a half since I've seen them or whatever, and it's like, guys, OAR is playing in Canada. It's like come up to see me Friday night. We'll go to Canada for the show Saturday. It'll be dope. I'm going to fucking blast. And everyone's like, fuck yeah, get the tickets. Get the tickets.

And Canada's a big country. It was in Toronto, not very close to Burlington, Vermont. And I got these on Tuesday. And so on Thursdayursday i realized toronto is nowhere near not even nowhere near burlington so i call my dad i'm like fuck i don't know what to do the i got these tickets he's like he's all right well i have tickets to the bc game when my buddies went to bc so i think it's the bc game come home for thursday and go to the bc game with with pat and then you guys drive up to North to Toronto from there.

And then you'll drive through. My other buddy was at Hobart at the time. He's like, you'll drive through New York and you can stop at Hobart, get cram. And then you guys go over Toronto. I was like, that's perfect.

Great idea. So we go, um, go to the BC game. It was a Thursday night game. They play in Vatek, I think. And I get fucked up.

I get so drunk. Next thing I know, I wake up in the parking lot of the admissions building at Hobart. And I was like, how the fuck did we get here, bro? This is – we are super far from where I was last conscious. And so we get my buddy. We pick him up. We didn't know where he lived. We got there like 7 a.m.

We didn't know where he lived we got there like 7 a.m and like we know where he lived or anything like that and um we're gonna get him go into toronto and get like we like for some reason decide to ball out like we're like staying in these nice hotels we go to the brass rail the strip club there where like a rod was seen the night before or something like that and then we go to their show and this whole time i had a big exam on monday philosophy so i guess i guess not a midterm so yeah it's probably october and uh we my whole plan the whole time had been when we get to burlington i'll get to uh geneva i think is where hobart is i will just take a bus to burlington because it's right there and it can't be that far i'll be home in time for the exam monday and uh we get to we get to Hobart.

I borrow his computer. I look up what the bus is, how long it takes. It takes 36 hours because it's the same bus that goes to Newport. It goes from Hobart to Newport, Rhode Island, then up to Burlington. So I was like, fuck. And everyone's out of money at this point. We were staying in nice hotels. I had no money left

and my buddy's like alright come back to Boston with me I'll get you on a bus and you can get home in time so we drive back to Boston get on the 11pm bus to Burlington and I tell the woman who I'm sitting next to I'm like hey I'm exhausted

I've driven from Toronto to Boston today I'm really tired I'm really hungover I'm going to pass, I'm exhausted. I've driven from Toronto to Boston today. I'm really tired. I'm really hungover. I'm going to pass out. Can you just wake me up when we get to Burlington? Because the bus goes on to Montreal. And she's like, absolutely, I got you. So I pass out immediately.

And I get woken up by her shaking me. She's like, I forgot to tell you. I forgot to tell you. We're here, we're here, we're here. And the bus is moving. So I grab my bag, run off the bus. I'm like, stop, stop, stop. I got to get off.

And I get off the bus. And I kind of just follow, like in a movie, I just follow the bus turn, lights go. And then I take in the surroundings. I'm just like, not Burlington. I was in Mount Pelier, Vermont. And Mount Pelier, like, shuts down. And a girl had been kidnapped recently

and killed in Mount Pelier, who went to my school. Jesus Christ. So I was like fucking terrified. I'm calling my buddy. I run to like a street. Oh, I went into a hotel. The only thing in town with lights on. And I was like, yo, give him a whole sob story. I'm in a t-shirt and sweatpants.

And I'm like, I got no money. I need to get back for a philosophy exam. I'm fucked. What can I do? He goes, you can get out of here. And just kicks me out of the hotel. So I'm like roaming the streets thinking he's a murderer on the loose. I call a buddy from a pay phone. fucked how what can i do he goes you can get out of here and just kicks me out of the hotel so i'm like roaming the streets thinking there's a murder on the loose i call a buddy from a payphone with

uh i call the same buddy who bought the bus ticket i'm like dude you gotta call the hotel and get me a room or something i don't know what to do here and then a car just comes into the alley i was calling from a on a payphone and just put the tie beams on and i'm like dude here's the attitude where i'm at right now in case this is the person who likes bikes. They somehow know I go to St. Michael's and they're going to murder me too. And he's like, dude, put the phone down. Walk behind the car. Get the license plate.

Come back and tell me. I was like, that's not going to work, dude. They're going to fucking kill me before I can come back here and tell you who it is. So I just hang up the phone and just start running. The person didn't chase me. They probably did not want to kill me. They were probably just turning around or something. I don't know.

The high beams. And I run to, I just find the police station. Fucking thing was closed because everything was closed in Mount Pelier. So I just sleep on a park bench in front of the police station. In like, you're just fucking. I might have had a sweatshirt or something like that, but I was not brave for an October in Vermont. Yeah. And a cop wakes me up at 6 a.m., gives me a cup of coffee,

asks me the whole – I gave him the sob story, gave it to the guy in the hotel. Cop, a little more sympathetic. And he's like, here, listen, kid. There's a commuter bus that comes up right up here. I'm going to take you to it. I'll pay the $3 for you. Good luck on the exam. I think the exam was an 8 a.m. philosophy class. I 805 i got an 87 on that bitch wow i'm surprised you didn't just

kill yourself at that point once i was sleeping on the bench i'd be like it's in god's hands so that was a bad travel story yeah that's not great that's a tough one that's that was that's you know it's things like this that like you you are why you are the way you are. Stories like that. Why? You know, like that. That happens to everybody. I don't think it does.

Don't think it does. Happens to guys like Dan Soder. That story about Dan Soder being kidnapped and shit. Yeah. Remember that? It's an old time tale. If you haven't heard Dan Soder talk about getting fucking tied up by the drug dealers, you must go listen to that.

You also got to check out Dan Soder, Son of a Gary, on December 7th. It's on HBO. And you got to listen to our interview with him right now. Dan Soder is brought to you by Quip. The holiday season is here. You got to get people gifts. You got to get them stocking stuffers. You got to do secret Santas.

And Quip is something that will put a smile on everyone's mouth because that's what they do. They clean your choppers. They make sure that you got a bright, pearly white smile and it establishes good dental health habits that make sure you carry that on forever and ever and ever, which is honestly how it feels when you brush your teeth for two minutes. It feels like a long time, but the vibrating pulses in the Quip toothbrush lets you know exactly when to change sides, change up, change down, make sure you get a full two minutes, as long as it may feel. That's what you got to do to make sure you got yourself a nice white smile. They come with the floss dispenser, which gives you just enough floss. So you know exactly how long to brush, you know exactly how much floss to use,

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It's like I need someone. It's almost like having a personal trainer for your team. Yeah, it's like, go, go, come on, push, push. 31 seconds, 31 seconds. So go to getquip.com slash KFC. You get the gift set right now, 25 bucks for the brush, and then the free refill at first when you use the URL, getquip.com slash KFC.

That's G-E-T-Q- the URL getquip.com slash KFC. That's G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash KFC. Dan Soder, talk to him. All right, we got Dan Soder. How much time do you have, by the way? Whatever you guys want to do, I don't give a fuck. Okay, you're not doing like a whole press tour thing? This is the last thing for the afternoon, and then tonight I have Unmasked with Ron Bennington. Cool, cool, cool.

All right, Dan Soder's in the building. New special is out on HBO. Dan Soder, son of a Gary. I just watched it this morning. Woke up early, had the screener. He gets you real professional. Yeah, but I also, I mean, I don't think I've ever laughed that much at like 7am. Hey!

It's a weird thing to watch like a very funny comedy special. You heard it here first. I do morning comedy. It's like a cup of coffee. Shit was awesome, man. It's really, really good. Thanks, man. I'm happy with the way it came out. Do you feel like you knew you nailed it? I don't know if I nailed it. I just know I wanted to put out an old school stripped down stand-up special.

I feel like this is the special for people that I'm lucky enough to have Bonfire fans, but they know me. I feel like with Billions fans, they're like, oh, you do comedy? I feel like this is the thing where it's like, just watch this. And this will catch you up to where I'm at. Everything. You know what I mean?

And then if you like this, you can go watch my Comedy Central Hour. You can go watch my This Is Not Happening and listen to Bonfire. So it's like, I feel like it's not an introduction, but it's a good get-to-know-me piece. How long were you doing that material to that special we filmed the stand-ups in mart for netflix march of 2017 so about like two and a

half years and it was like a lot of work coming together but it was a lot of like a lot of those bits in the special started off as longer bits like real long and like different setups and shit and finally i was like this is fucking cut it down and do it so it's tight because i want once once hbo signed on i was like man i want to do i gotta fucking work on this because we signed we signed the deal uh december of 2018 and they were like we want you to be one of the 2019 specials and i was like can i be one of the last ones because i want to go go do Edinburgh Fringe and I want to run the fuck out of it. And they're like, absolutely. And Nina and Aaron who work at HBO are the shit.

They're the fucking best. Best people I've ever worked with on stand-up. HBO is no joke. They come in and they're like, it's really weird. It's almost like getting a blowjob from a porn star. They just come in and they're just like, don't touch my hair. And then you're like, ah, fuck. Oh, God.

Start thrusting in the air. What are you guys doing? Because they just came in and they're like, here's what we're doing at all. Like, whatever you want to do. And the old school intro. Yeah, I was going to ask you. You picked that because I was like, what the fuck is this? It's awesome.

If you watch Drew Michael's special, he's got the back half on it and then i was like give me the full shot it's like a 30 second thing yeah dude from night from 83 from when i was born so i was like this is fucking perfect you can still hear the but it's like the old school very cool i was rolling joints doing that after we put the edit I was like with this

do you obviously like not be content but like do you think you're like you're good you made it

you're fuck no I immediately I immediately watched this and i was like he got you got we got let's go back to work we gotta fucking no no i don't but i don't mean like being like done but being like i have achieved like i mean you said you achieved your

dream like yeah it's insane it's like um i was talking about it uh i'm busting open the wrestling show today but it really feels like you're winning a championship belt it feels like yeah right so like i didn't win the heavyweight championship belt because I look like Chappelle's special and I look at Burr's special and I look like Nate Bargetze's special. And I'm like, man, that's the heavyweight champs. Those are the heavyweights. But I feel like I won the intercontinental

heavyweight champion. You know what I mean? Like, I'm right below, like, I got one of the top belts, but I definitely think it's like, when you look at a guy like Gaffigan or like Louie and all these people who just put out like amazing special.

I made like Chris Rock did Bigger and Blacker. I mean, he did bring the pain, but then he came right back with Bigger and Blacker. So it's like one of those things where it's like, all right, now I did this special. Now let's hope in two years I got a fucking better one. Like I want to be better. I want to be funnier. But you got to feel like the blueprint. Like you're on the right track. You know that, know that right yeah i got to pay off my college loans

with this special which was like okay now i did it that was my that was my making isn't that fucking sick to think of that though it's like you just broke even yeah like for a journalism degree yeah like get the fuck out of here journalism from arizona what the fuck i should degree for a fucking journalism degree from Arizona? What the fuck? I should have just gotten a communications degree from ASU and fucking picked up crabs and fucking have

some kid that lives in Phoenix right now that I don't talk to and I'd be paying less money than getting a stupid journalism poli-sci degree from fucking Arizona. When I went to FSU and I applied, I guess they liked my essay. And they said you can come because all my grades

were shit and my SATs and stuff like that were shit. And they're like, you can come, but you have to be a creative writing major. And essentially that letter said, you can come as long as you let us rob you. Give me your money. As long as you amount to nothing with this degree. Yes! Well, that was the thing. When I As long as you amount to nothing but this degree. Yes.

Well, that was the thing. When I found out I was going to do a journalism degree, I'm so stupid at math that they were like, you can either – they're like, listen, if you're not going to do a journalism degree, you can take math at Pima Community College and then test back into Arizona to get your math credits. I was like, or? They're like, well, you're a journalism degree, so you can do philosophy 110 counts as your math credit. And I was like, let's go. Yeah. Sure. I don't know what the fuck that's about.

Socrates is a mortal, therefore all men are mortal. Yeah, whatever. I smoke weed. I'll break this shit down. Hey, yeah, Duncan flown in. Thank you so much. Thank you, Kelly. Yes.

HBO, by the way, back to how they have a person with me and stuff. Because you guys know me showing up. I'm like, I get high. I come on the train. I'm like, I'm going to do KFC. Yeah. That was very funny, trying to even just book this. It was like, yeah, usually I'm just like, yo, are you coming in?

Yeah. It's like, well, we got to email the booker. We got to talk to HBO. I was like, Dan is coming. I promise you he's coming. You're doing KFC? I'm like, yeah, I'm doing KFC. Who am I going to tell?

Like Brian Koppelman, I'm doing his podcast for the special. And he's like, we're just on set on Billions. He's like, Monday? I'm like, yeah, do it Monday. And then I'm like, tell me about it. Now they're like, we need to know. Who needs to know? No one gives a shit.

I'm on the show. I know. I got it. I'll be there. I'm fine. Was there any, like, Billions Showtime, right? Yeah. So was there any, like. Getting them all.

Yeah. Is that okay? Collect them all. Is anybody at Showtime like, yo, dude, what the fuck? To their, honestly, man, as a compliment, Showtime and Netflix have been cool as fuck. Both have been like, Netflix, we did the stand-ups and everyone that did the stand-ups had an option

for an hour. So, Dion Cole, Nikki, Nate have all done hours. I'm sure Beth and Fortune aren't far behind. I'm a generic white dude. I wouldn't work on Netflix. I disagree with that, but I understand your logic. I think people would be like, fucking Muffy does stand up?

But HBO is the one I wanted. It's the one thing where I was like, it's a special. They're doing seven of them. Gary Goldman, Lil Rel. There's a bunch of people that I love that did them. And I'm like, yeah, fuck yeah. Sign me up. And then Showtime was cool

with it and netflix was cool that netflix was like all right maybe come back for the next one and you're like all right that's how you stay in business yeah yeah but also they were like so backed up that they're like we can we can't start negotiating till 2020 and you're like can't wait no man i want to do it like and this is back in 2018 yeah so i was like let's just and again to to credit to their credit they're like go do it oh i also think that's to your credit though because i don't think i don't know if everybody maybe gets that treatment i feel like they're like you're a funny dude they know that you're gonna want to work with you they're not burning the dan soda bridge yeah i've known robbie for a while so it was nice it was it was really cool of him to be like that you know and um

yeah and then hbo was like we're gonna turn it around the turnaround on this is so fast that's the craziest shit about this whole thing. It's like taped it October, out first week of December. You taped October? October 23rd. Well, I guess, like you said, you stripped it down, and it's one mic, one man. It's just, yeah, there's not even a stool and water. I was like, let's fucking do it.

I didn't realize that until right now. You didn't even have a sip of water. I don't have a stool. You should have not even had a mic. You should have just yelled. Fuck, my dad's dead. So that's what I want to talk to you about. Daddy's dead.

And I'm mad about it. They're like, this is intense. I'm fine with screaming babies and daddy's dead. Fuck everything. This is what HBO is now. Just a crazy neighbor. They're like, I don't know if that from what HBO is now. Just a crazy neighbor. Like, I don't fucking know. That guy from Billions is uncomfortable.

When you do the dead dad stuff. Shout out to everyone in the dead dad club. You'll see on the special. I mean, you do it in such a way where it's like, you know, it's a thing that if anybody else would bring up, my dad passed away, and you're just like, yeah, my dad's fucking dead. Do you see the crowd? Are people reacting like, holy shit? I mean, that joke was very hard to get to build it to work.

Because some crowds are just like, all right, man, I'm sorry. Fuck you. No. Fucking nobody's sorry. Fuck you. No. Fucking nobis Ari. But a kind of a precursor or a great training to get that joke to work was when I did This Is Not Happening, Ari Shaffir saw me do the story about me getting robbed. And he was like, you got to do that on my show. Go work it out like a bit. So I went on the road and I worked out the story of getting robbed because a lot of people

were like, there's a point where I'm hog tied. I got a 45 to my head. And, you know, so I was actually thinking you would do that for this special, but I don't know. I wanted to, that kind of, I kind of wanted to leave that alone as like a little like, um, cause it is like the best story. Yeah. That was me.

I'd be like, I'm playing the hits. I'm doing, I'm doing the Russian joke. I'm doing the fucking robbed. I'm playing all of them. Let's bring them all in. Just like, do you want the Russian again? Hello, HBO. Yeah, it was one of those things where I was like,

in between doing Netflix in the HBO hour, it was nice to put out that story of getting robbed and have it punched up to be like, there, there's something where now I can go work on the hour. And there was a moment where I was like, maybe I'll put that in the hour. But it was just, it was a good solo piece. But it taught me how to kind of breach subjects where people are uncomfortable.

Where people are like, ah, dude, this guy's got a gun to his head. And you're like, chill. I was trying to tell the audience. I'm like, guys. I'm standing here. That's what I say in the joke. I'm like, dude, I'm telling the story. I'm here.

Spoiler alert. I get out. Yeah. There's not. Because I think people, dude, I'm telling the story. I'm here. Spoiler alert. I get out. Yeah. There's not, because I think people, like, sometimes their empathy can be wired different. And they're like, so dead dads, that's why I say that in the special I'm like, people with dead dads love dead dad jokes. It's the people that don't have dead dads that are

like, ah, well, I don't know. My friend's father. It's like, I bet your friend finds this joke funny. And I think there'll be people maybe that aren't. I think that's the whole point of my special is just like, dude bet your friend finds this joke funny. And I think there'll be people maybe that aren't. After that shit, right? I mean, that's the whole fucking point of comedy. I think that's the whole point of my special. It's just like, dude, if you make fun of it, there's really nothing to be mad about. I have a friend who passed away.

And when I have a new friend come into my friend's circle, and we'll talk about it. He's still alive, but we'll be making fun of him. And like, who is that? Like, oh, it's our buddy. He's dead. Yeah, he's dead. And we all start laughing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They just turn into a fucking ball. And they're like, oh my god. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your loss. They start shaking everyone's hand. I'm sorry for your loss. It's fine. We're fucking making fun of it. One of the most fucked up things I've ever done on a date. I was dating this girl and we were out to dinner and she was asking me about my family and I was like, yeah, you know, I had a half-sister. And she's like, all right. And she's like, oh, yeah. And I was like, yeah, she died when I was 16. And she's like, oh, my God. And I go, I'm kidding. She's a trial lawyer in Phoenix.

And she goes, oh, OK. I go, no, I'm kidding. She's actually dead. And she was like, oh. And it was like the weirdest thing. I dated that girl for a while. So we eventually talked about it. I was like, I told her.

I explained. I'm like, I just saw the opportunity.. I was like, I told her, I explained, I'm like, I just saw the opportunity and I was like, why not? Why not? Let's just see if I can pull it back and then be like, no,

no, no, in reality. But she laughed about it, but she was like, oh my fucking God. They say to the standout, you know,

like a line or a joke they've never heard before. Well, yeah, my sister's dead. No, she's not. Yes,

she is. It's what a year. What a yo-yo. She was like, oh, oh my God and it's something withstand that then guess what like yeah we're gonna get why we're gonna have a date for a little by fire turns out though when we both drank it was fireworks so probably not a good thing to

that last the funniest bit i think of the new special is uh that you give please don't leave me head oh yeah i mean the self-awareness of the whole thing. Yeah. I suck butt. I know I'm fucked up. I suck butt. I suck butt, dude. Whatever. I don't give a shit. I want to put my mouth

on her worst body part. Yeah, dude. I wanted to call the special butt munch. I swear to God. Did you say no or did you just think better of it?

This is what I love about this podcast because this is like, I'm doing press today and I have to be like, well, you know, HBO is a very – But I could tell you guys the conversation I had with my manager about this.

So Shane Gillis was with me and it was after the SNL thing and he was like – we were in Philly and we were hanging out. And he's in the same management company as me. So my manager knows him. And I was telling him, I was like, I want to call my special butt munch and they're like yeah they're they're saying no so do you have another name and i was like no i want to call it but much and they're like okay what if we can't call it butt munch i go either you're gonna call it butt munch or i'm gonna call it columbine two electric shoot alert and the opening is to be shane and i walking in clebold harris style in trench coats and my manager was like you're joking right please

tell me you're joking like yeah dude i'm fucking do me shane and brian six were in the green room laughing so hard at that just thinking of my manager being like no fuck what what is what is he doing but my answer is the shit so he knew it was a joke but it was like yeah i was like dude what we call it call him by two electric shoot a little that's fucking unbelievable then i sent a gif of eric harris and phil and clebold walking in their in their jackets and i wrote and that'll be shane and i in the intro and it's like no no no but then eventually they're, they can't. They can't do it because of marketing reasons. They can't call it Butt Munch.

Yeah, I get it. I mean, I can understand. They can't put it on the MTA line. I want people to watch it. I was going to say, business is still business at the end of the day. That would be, well, that's the unofficial name. Butt Munch is, I think that's such a good name. Because it's like, the whole point of this comedy special is that it's just jokes.

I'm not telling anyone how you should have opinions like there's really very little opinions in the special as far as like my own opinions on things but i'm not telling people like think this way yeah i'm kind of like hey you should probably think this way if you're not a dick or this is kind of how i look at shit but i was like kind of refreshing by the way thank but i just wanted to be like yo man he's can we call it butt munch? Because it's silly. That would capture the aura. It would just be silly,

and people would be like, what's it about? And you're like, I don't know, munching butt? Fart noise. That's a big part. Farting, and my dead dad, and babies crying. Crying, whatever. It becomes the whole spectrum. Edibles when they're heavy, yeah.

Did you drop a couple pounds for this? I fucking went to Scotland and walked around for a month. Did you? And like we were walking. I lived with Sean Patton, Jeffrey Bollinger, and Caitlin Cook. And when you do the Fringe Festival, you'll walk like a fucking – and three-fourths of a mile just to the venue. So you're doing that like like you're walking at least four

miles a day. And you start to think about it. I was like, look, Dan's looking pretty true. I'm getting fucking fat. I'm getting back to getting American fat. I got trail mix like a fucking... But one of the greatest like scams that Devlin would pull is like, that's healthy.

That's not healthy at all. You guys, I didn't. The new offices are above a pot belly. Yeah. Five guys right there. But pot belly, I'm like, oh, I know what I'm getting before I go home. Big old Italian. Yeah, dude.

I love it. It was a fun thing where now that I filmed it and it's out, it's kind of weird because I stayed off the road until January because I didn't want to go on the road and do the turnaround was so fast it was like i didn't want to go on the road and just do jokes from the special yeah you know and people are like oh i saw i saw this one yeah you know so it's like when i get when i'm back on the road in january i'm like hopefully i'll have some like 30 new and then just fuck around for 15 and give people a show and build start building again When do you go on the road? Because you do Bonfire every day, right?

Yeah, we do. I mean, the road basically for all comics is Thursday through Saturday. You usually do five shows, one on Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday. Got it. And then you hope to get to theaters like Nate's at now where you're just doing one a night in a different city. Right. But yeah, you do a city for five shows. And so Bonfire, we built the Bonfire to do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

and then we do two on Tuesdays and one of those airs on Thursday, and then we can go on the road. And so it fucking works out. But it's a grind, man. It's a lot, right? It's so fun. I mean, you guys have a show. It's very similar in taste where you're like, I would be getting high and going over to Jay's house and watching these clips.

Might as well press play. Yeah, might as well pay for my grandmother's electric and mortgage. Like doing that. Might as well. So it's funny shit. Do you guys do a lot of prep for that? Or is it just more like get in there? We literally smoke a joint and look at the text that we send each other.

You still want to talk about this? We did some shit the other day. It was like we planned to talk about a clip. You see the clip of Obama a couple weeks ago where he was talking about like culture cancel culture oh yeah we're gonna do that and then mitt romney also did something so we're like all right we're gonna do like a little politics and like halfway like right away we're talking about how we sucked we tried to suck our own dicks yeah dude that's uh that's exactly our our politics episode and when i was standing up being like when i tried to suck my own dick when I was a kid, I just stood up and bent over. Which apparently is the wrong way.

You roll on your shoulders. I'm the only person who thought otherwise. And then the second you get hot breath on it, you feel like it's about to happen. You're like, oh, it is. Oh, I'm about to suck this dick. Just your head getting a little bit of hot breath from your 13-year-old mouth.

Just having hot breath go over your pee hole. This starts becoming real. Maybe I can work at this. I'm going to hit some yoga. I'm going to do some stretching. I get there. Six months of trying, I'm going to suck this dick. I'm going to blow me.

I'm going to be an O. I'm going to blow me. I'm going to be an O. I'm going to be a lowercase O for the rest of my life. How often do bonfire conversations become bits? Does that ever happen? Dude, the only one that made it in, you know, oftentimes Jay and I

keep it real, but the Hulk Hogan bit in the special was because Jay and I keep it real, but the Hulk Hogan bit in the special was because Jay and I were watching the trailer for Leaving Neverland. In like 13 seconds in, I'm like, pause it. Let me tell you right now who could have fucked me easily. And I was like, Joe Montana, Hulk Hogan, Trish wants to leave me with them.

She's like, yeah, you got to hang out with your heroes. I don't care. And it is because you don't get that from that whole documentary. No one's talking about the point of like, yo, man, I was totally susceptible

to that. If my hero would have been like, come on, this is how we make each other feel good. I'd be like, oh, what's up, Hulkster?

Brother, let me turn you off, brother. Yeah. My favorite line, one of my favorite lines of the special is the fact that I got to do,

let me tell you something. Yeah, I think it's like Hulk Hogan. I forget the line. I forget the line of my own joke. That's not a tree to smoke. But I was like, Dan Soder's not going to tell on you. And it's like, yeah, dude, that was like the fact that you've got to do kind of a Hulkster.

Yeah. I was happy to see that. Like working the wrestling thing into it. Yeah. I was happy to see that. Working a wrestling thing into it. Yeah, I want to know. I'm interested to know what Lil Wayne, Jimmy Buffett, and Hulk Hogan think if they see that special. Let's get the three of them in a room at the same time for a screening. What a fucking party. That would be some content.

We'll live stream them watching your special. That sounds like a Super Bowl party in Tampa. We're like, dude, I went to the Super Bowl in Tampa. I'm fucking there with Jimmy Buffett, Little Wayne, and Hulk Hogan. Hammered. Hammered. Hulk said the N-word more than Little Wayne did. They freestyled. Little Wayne

told him to chill. Next thing I know, fucking Jimmy Buffett's dropping a leg on Little Wayne. He dropped a big boot on him. Speaking of Super Bowl parties, we gonna see each other this year? I hope so. God, I fucking hope so. God, I hope so. We have

the hardest three weeks coming up. Fuck you guys, by the way. We have Packers, Ravens, Saints. That's a cliche term. That's measuring stick shit right there. If we go two out of of three on there, we'll see you in February. I hope so.

That would be unbelievable. Jimmy G, Tom Brady. That would be the most, like, ready for game Tom Brady's ever been in his life. Because he doesn't want to lose that. And the dirty talk in Massachusetts that week. He was like, fucking call me Jimmy G. I want to fuck Jimmy G. I fucking hate you.

I fucking hate you. Our sex life is through the fucking roof. I'm fucking nailing my wife. She's yelling fuck Jimmy G. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you. Our sex life is through the fucking roof. I'm fucking nailing my wife. She's yelling out Jimmy G. I want to fucking kill her, but I love her. Yeah. If Brady lost that one, man. I would.

Oh, man. It wouldn't be. I don't think it would be. I think his legacy is beyond reproach now. It is. Yeah, you can't. But personally. It will kill him.

Yes, it will kill him. He'll be back for it. You know what? If he won that, he would probably retire. I think that's a good point. But if he loses. I would root for the Patriots in that Super Bowl, I think, because he'll leave. He'll leave.

If he loses, he'll be back for 10 years. Dude, and then it'll get crusty. It'll get Jeff George crusty. It'll get like him playing for the Bucs in like 2025. And you're like, Tom Brady's on the fucking Bucs? Just like a gross thing, you know what I mean? That's the talk of town in Boston. This is his last year with the Patriots.

Really? Because his contract's up. He hasn't played poorly this year. But for who? Cam. Bring Cam. If they still had Jimmy, I would get that. I don't know who we would...

So he needs big money. Are you going to pay him big money? I would. I don't think... The Patriots' offense has struggled. I don't think there's a game you can look at and go, that was Brady's fault. They're 9-1! You don't think he renegotiates to be like... I think he probably will. He's kind of done that

his whole career anyway. I think I saw a report the other day that he's left like $160 million on the table or something like that. That should not be fair, by the way. The NFL needs to stop that. You can't do that. Then there's this lineman who's going to shoot himself

in the chest and he made $400,000. He was a good pulling guard for three years and then the next thing you know he's murdered his family and he's just on the top level of a parking garage like save my fucking brain and he's like how much did he make and you go 43 000 all three years combined you're like what are you fucking you guys are paying him like old 70s players and brady's like yeah i walked away from a 900 million million contract. My wife's rich.

I'm all good. Giselle makes that in the summer. And you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah, dude, it's pretty fucking crazy to think of the pay gap. Well, I mean, the linemen get paid. Obviously, I think the guards are low. But the tackles and shit now, they get paid. Tackles get money.

Centers and guards. If you're an interior lineman, get ready to fucking move Nissans in whatever city you play college football in. Absolutely, dude. You're going to be fucking... Get ready to do a handshake on the lock going, Buckeyes, am I right? Hey, what's going on? Bear down. What's up, brother? Can I get you in this

Maxima? Thing's only got 5,000 miles on it. It was a retread. Well, let's see what you got going on. Let's go in the office and talk about this. The offseason, you're laying roofs and stuff like that. That's what it was back in the 70s and 80s. Yeah, this is a side hustle. NFL player.

Yeah. It's always like that story where they're like, this guy was delivering sodas, and now he's a kick returner. He's like, so he'll be back to delivering sodas next year. In two weeks. He's going to make – yeah. Players are so expendable in the NFL when they're not.

And then all of a sudden it's like, but even big, big contract guys that you thought you were going to think of forever disappeared in like

three years. You're like, oh yeah, that guy signed it. Well, once the money is not, you know,

as soon as you fall off a cliff, you're cut, you're gone. Le'Veon Bell, where is he about to go? Where the hell

is he going to go? He's on Twitter yelling about getting tested for HGH. I love it, though. He's like, keep testing me. Keep testing me. Well, no. He said he's done now. He's like, there's a bunch of guys.

He's got five tests already this week. Do you think they're just doing that to fuck with him? He must be a problem, because yeah. It's also like, bro, if you're doing HGH, it's not working, because you're having a shit season. So I don't know. Do more or some fucking. Start doing it.

He should come back like Super Shredder in Secret of the Ooze. Just fucking jacked. And they're like. And Le'Veon Bell clearly on steroids. Yeah, just let it. I'm very excited about. We were talking about money, but paying college athletes, NCAA college football. Did you see what just

happened with the NCAA basketball? No. So James Wiseman plays for Memphis, and he's the potential or probable number one pick in the NBA draft. And I guess the Memphis Boosters or something like that helped his family move to

Memphis, so they could watch him play. You know, support system and things like that. We got busted. So he was indefinitely suspended. This is trash. Last night it was decided that it will be reduced to a 12-game suspension if he pays an $11,500 fine. To a charity of his choice.

To a charity of his choice. So it's like they don't even give a fuck where the money goes. They're just like, you can't have it. They go, give me the money. He's a college freshman without a job. How the fuck has he got 11,500? Without a job. The fuck is he going to get? He's going to get that. He just sells drugs.

You know what we did? We ended up busting up this opiate ring. This guy's just trying to pay his NCAA fines. Yeah, the NCAA is one of the most corrupt organizations. Like them and FIFA, man. For real. It really is. It's like those two and then Eastern Europe politics.

That's like the range of it. I talk about this documentary I saw on Netflix called Schooled a while back. It's all about the college athletics and how it became a $9 billion a year when it was made. I don't know what it is now.

$9 billion a year industry and all the sneakers, all the money it makes. And the head of the NCAA quit in the 80s, 84, 86, something like that. And in his retirement or quitting speech, he said, what we are doing right now is bordering on becoming illegal.

Or slavery, whatever it is. And that was 40 years ago. That was the 80s. When they were running the HBO is. It was like 40 years ago. And that was 40 years ago. That was the 80s. That was the 80s. When they were running the HBO special. Yeah. They were running the same intro. But it was also like it was still thought of as a good way to get an education. That's how dumb those people were.

They're like, you got to get an education. And now they're like, get that money, baby. You got a family of eight. Did you see the fucking education they get? Did you see Trevor Lawrence, the Clemson quarterback today, the picture of him in class? No. He's giving a presentation. The presentation he's giving is how I get my hair to look like this. Dude. Did you see Trevor Lawrence, the Clemson quarterback today, the picture of him in class? No. He's giving a presentation.

The presentation he's giving is how I get my hair to look like this. He's got a PowerPoint in class. I feel like everyone should go to a major school just to watch how they treat the athletes. It's insane. It is awesome. Arizona, the basketball players, they were just coming in sleep. And you're like, yeah, dude, you dropped 36 on Cal. Were you there for anybody? Oh, man, we had a fucking stack.

We were top five. My class was Channing Frye, Selene Stoudemire, Isaiah Fox. We had Will Bynum and Dennis Lattimore. That was like our freshman class. But then we came into Luke Walton, Rick Anderson, Jason Gardner. We were a top five team. The Gardner team, I lost a boatload of money on them choking. It was like the Elite Eight or something like that.

We choked in the Elite Eight in 05 my senior year to Illinois. That's what it was. Steve Brown and Deron Williams fucking crushed us. Yeah, that was a bad one. That was a bad one. Dude, that's my favorite. One of my favorite stories of college ever was my friends had – it was Tucson, so you just party outside.

My friends put an old school bigscreen TV outside for the Oklahoma State. One of those ones that's like 2,000 pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had like six guys move it. Yeah. And we put it in the back, and it was Oklahoma State, Arizona, Elite Eight. And everyone was like, if we win this, we don't have a class on that day. Because someone else had been around since we went to the Final Four in 01 when we lost to Duke.

And they were like, I'm telling you, if they go they go to the final four they're gonna call classes on that day so everyone could watch final four and everyone was like fucking hyped and it was a party it was great we were up like 15 ching fry hit a three with like 90 seconds left and everyone's like fucking final four we're gonna final four and then you just saw Dee Brown be like, fuck Arizona. And I knew we were in trouble because it kept going to Bill Murray. I love Bill Murray. Who doesn't love Bill Murray? And he had an Illinois shirt on.

And I was like, stop it. Oh, no. Stop it, Bill Murray. Stop it, Bill Murray. And then they just started coming back. And then they tied it. And we went to overtime. And then they blew started coming back, and then they tied it, and we went to overtime, and then they blew us out in overtime.

But right as we lose in overtime, their neighbor that no one really liked, he was just kind of like this kid from San Diego, and he had a bunch of blows, so they'd hang out with him a lot. I never liked the guy. He fucking comes in through the backyard. Everyone's in the backyard watching this old school TV, and we lose. And everyone's silent. And you just hear this kid go, final fart!

He pops a bottle of champagne because he ran to go get it. Thought it was over. Thought it was over. Oh, my God. Dude, I just remember the drip off my eyebrows just staring at this kid being like, what the fuck? And he was like, oh, man. Dude.

It was him losing. You're like, you piece of shit. Similar to that. This was a couple years ago. We hired a new kid, Marty Mush, who has a parrot. Okay. Has a pet. And it was his rally bird for a while.

Degenerate gambler. Yeah. He was doing live streams with his parrot. And this was a couple years ago. The Yankees. Was it the play-in game? Yeah. By the time.

So he's commuting in from Long Island. Yankees A, I think, right? And they probably won that, though. But when he showed up with a parrot, the elevator doors open in the old place, and the Yankees were down like 10-0 or some shit like that. And he was like,

I'm here, I got the bird! And every Yankee fan was like, fuck you, we're down 10-0. Yeah. He goes in, he's like, what? He's holding a broomstick with a bird on the side. And he was just like, what? Can you imagine being next to him on the LIRR?

He's going in. You go, yeah, no, no, no. My sister lives in Ronkonkomo. That's exactly where he lives. That's so funny. I don't know. My sister's kid's sick. I had to go out and see him.

I'm coming back. He's like, huh? Jeter's God. Jeter's God. And you're like, shut up. Shut up. That's God and you're like shut up shut up Jeter can you shut the fuck up dude

hey listen I just saw my nephew he's not doing well Joe Girardi shut the fuck up I'd go nuts if I was on public transportation with a parrot what's good with billions season 5 dude we're making it is that um i mean that's how many how are you gonna go i don't know man i don't know they always

fucking the way they're able to twist shit up and i don't know man but season five is going to be interesting we're two episodes in right now and it's fucking good there's a good new run on that huh did you expect to be like a consistent like season after season character when you first did it no no no when i first when i first season one uh at the beginning of billions they signed me for like five episodes and then i was screen testing for snl so they were like if you get snl we'll write you off the show or maybe you won't even be on the show but then i didn't get snl and they're like all right we're gonna have you on like six episodes what a fucking miss by snl that's all

right i think that's better for you but it would have been great way better for my life the way i would be hammered right now i look for snl i'd be fired yeah i'd be fired i'd be somewhere just drunk being like hey fucking get my vision um no i was good it's good to take l sometimes and that was a good l to take but uh when we started season one one of the other guys at axe cap just started working a bunch and and when that's the case they're like we had this more lines to be said right yeah give it to me fee wow i was like yes yeah and then uh the addition of taylor in season two just kind of like they came in as my intern and then they, you know,

they did a good job of moving that storyline along where it stayed parallel where, where I'm a, I'm Taylor's, you know, number one officer. I remember when you, uh,

were kind enough to, to stop by like our first live show. And then you kind of just bounced afterwards and everyone in the, uh, we have like a little meet and greet. Yeah. And people are like, it's so fucking crazy. That Soder just just puts on his backpack and just goes home.

Yeah. He's on fucking billions. He's working on his HBO. You're still living with a roommate. Yeah. We got it. Shout out. You got to get your own place.

Shout out Mike Vecchione. At this point, I think it's good for materials. You might as well just have it forever. No, man. There's been people that have shit on it. It's also like, you don't fucking know my life. I'm taking care of my grandma and my mom. I'm not an idiot.

This shit that I'm doing is temporary. It's all temporary until it's done, and then it's just done, and then you got to move on. When people are like, oh, you got a roommate? It's like, I live with one of the best joke writers in comedy.

Mike Vecchione is the guy that Dave Attell goes to. it's the guy that other people goes to where they're like to check jokes like that's how he's fucking brilliant he's brilliant and he's not only one of my best friends but one of the best comics in new york so living with him i wake up and i'm i'm running i'm like anyone do a bit about this you know it's like living at a gym yeah and constantly working out and you're like why would i move out of a gym? For what? Just so I could have a nice place? It's like, I don't really need a nice place. I have the same way.

I have two roommates. Yeah. I go home, I'm good. I'm fine. And you know what? We're both on the road enough that a lot of times, I've had the apartment for myself for the last 10 days. So it's like, and he's going to come home,

and we got stuff to talk about. Poison with a gummy, and you're good to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to give him a fucking fat edible and watch him fucking wig out. But yeah yeah it's like one of those things where um living with a roommate isn't we live in new york city it's we don't live a little more common if i was in fucking des moines and i lived with a roommate you're like how much drugs are you on i mean every every blog i ever wrote about two roommates in florida someone gets murdered with an axe yeah every time and for me it's like mike i, I love the dude,

and there's always like, there's a person to vent to where I can kind of gauge how I'm coming off in situations. Yeah, because he gets the whole biz and the industry. But he knows people, he knows the history,

so if I got a problem with someone and I come in and I'm like, what the fuck? He can go with me and be like, nah, man, you're justified for that, or he can go and be like, I don't know, maybe you're being a little crazy about that.

And I trust him, so I'm like, yeah, all right. I also think that it's like, it's, it's almost weirder. Like where the, there, there is like almost a cap age where you,

they'll probably kill you over at something, eating their refrigerator. But it's also like, I, I find it much easier to have a roommate now than I did at 23. Because like they were partying and shit like that. And like, there's no annoyance.

It respects your place. It's just like, yeah, hang out in your room, do your thing. And also, you know what I mean? We're like, hey, my roommate's sleeping. Yeah. And. It's just like, yeah, hang out in your room, do your thing. And I'll sit, you know what I mean? We're like, hey, my roommate's sleeping. Yeah.

And they're like, cool, cool, cool. You know, they're like, fucking wake him up. Let's party. I remember, dude, I lived with Handsome Pete. Shout out to Pete. Handsome Pete, he would bring home some, I mean, just brought home a lot of ladies. What a name like Handsome Pete. Dude, one time I came home and he was just he was

like jacked and he was just in european cut underwear laying on the couch like this watching tv and he walks and he goes hey and i was just like with this girl and i go hey throw on a shirt what are we doing here i'm gonna lose i'm gonna immediately i'm not surprised she was like i'll chill on the couch um but one time he brought these girls home and my girlfriend and I were sleeping in my windowless room on my mattress on the floor and it was like 4.50 and they were like, wow.

Like talking or whatever. And that's when you're like, I'm going to fucking kill someone. And I opened the door and I was drunk. I was like, it's a pizza party. And you're like, shut your fucking mouth. I was like, I think I just turned 30. So I was like,'s a pizza party and you're like shut your fucking mouth i was like i think i just turned 30 so i was like shut up little girl shut your mouth pizza parties are for good girls not for bad girls at 4 50 in the morning but that was when we kicked him out because we were like

yo dude mike and i were like we could live together because mike's older than me and we're like we need a quieter place and p Pete was still boozing and partying. God bless him. Right, just not on that page. And then we looked for a place in Queens that was like the same price as our apartment that we were paying for three people, but with two bedrooms. And everything we found was smaller than what we had. So we called our landlord.

Like, yeah, I was just going to stay with the two of us. And he's like, all right, yeah, go for it. Lived in the same place for like 13 years. Wow, that's actually crazy. And I like my neighborhood. And I just like where everything is. So when people shit on it And he's like, all right, yeah, go for it. We've been in the same place for like 13 years. Wow, that's actually crazy. And I like my neighborhood and I just like where everything is. So when people shit on it,

I'm like, yeah, whatever. I'm the same way. I'll probably be on adventures, but I'm like, I'd like to buy a place. My most important thing

is personal space. And like, if they let me have it, why give a shit about rent cheaper? Also, man, if I can live with someone

that I like, that I respect, that's great at the job we do and I can get better by living with them and fucking hang out with them all the time's great at the job we do, and I can get better by living with them and fucking hang out with them all the time and have a person fucking, yeah, and stack cash. All right, we get it. It's fine. You're okay.

You like your roommate. I like them. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. Let's do one answer the internet question here before we go. Dude, it's crazy you guys have a fucking game now. Yeah. We'll do one here and then we'll do a full, you gotta run it back and do a full session here. You pick. All right. Let's fucking get into it. This is so weird

because these just be on cue cards. I know, man. Yeah. You go to a girlfriend's house and meet her father for the first time. He hands you an aux cord. What song are you playing first? Me and my bitch. Notorious B.I.G. The opening line is when I first saw you, my thoughts

was a trip. You look so good. I'd suck on your daddy's dick. No way. And once again, we retire a question because of Dan Soder. Me and my bitch, Notorious B.I.G. Holy shit. You are by far the best at this game ever. That was unbelievable. I just know how to set the tone.

Holy shit. That's a set the tone hit right off the top. You didn't even have to think for a second about what song mentioned sucking a dad's dick. I'd just ear hole the dad and be like, that's what your baby girl's into now. Yeah, that'd just be it. I'm not even participating. That's it. Done, done, done.

All right, if you want to hear more of Answer the Internet with Dan Soder, go find him on the YouTube page right now. Yeah, we'll do a full sesh. Come on. Turn around. Look at what you see In her face The mirror of your dream Make believe I'm everywhere

Give it in the light Written on the pages is the answer to a never-ending story. I read the stars. Lie a fantasy. Dream a dream And what you see will be Rising in their sacred sphere A bolt behind the clouds

And there upon a rainbow is The answer to a never-ending story. Story time.