KFC Radio - Dan Soder Wrote a Show with Stone Cold Steve Austin That's Been Stuck in Gridlock

Episode Date: October 20, 2022

Dan Soder returns with another hilarious interview on making a show with Stone Cold Steve Austin, being good at drinking before sobriety, getting KFC to apologize to Big Jay, arguing with his uncle over Facebook messenger, constipation, pausing stand up, and much much more Timecodes: 1:34:55 - Video Voicemails WhistePig: Stay tuned for more on how and when to buy our KFC Barrel RomanGo to https://barstool.link/ to get 20% off your first orderYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. This is Lil Wayne, he's like, I think you're in my seat. I think you're in Lil Weezy's seat. Lil Weezy trying to see this Justin Bieber concert. Excuse me, she's like, you're so hot. That's cause I'm from a different planet. Yes, guy.

Danny Soder. What's up? In the building. What the fuck? Did you guys get all those booze? Are you trying to push me off the wagon? They're like, we can break this man today. It is some good shit. That was the last time everyone ever saw him.

Because he walked in and he fucking had booze on the table. Tommy Pope was just telling us a story the other day about he basically pushed his old boss back to alcoholism. It was like they had one wild night in a strip club where they ended up almost having a threesome with a stripper and then that guy's life spiraled out of control. And he was like, yeah, that was me. That was my fault.

Yeah, dude. I tell you right now, the second I would drink I would be like, oh, I still got it. And when I didn't realize I had my fastball, I'd be very upset that I drank it. When I realized I couldn't go the way I used to, I'd be like, this was stupid. This was a fucking waste. You took the mound and you just threw like 89 meatballs down the middle. Yeah, it'd be like Ali's last fight where you're just like, I'm just getting fucking killed out there.

I used to be so good. I was touched by God. I out drank a notorious coke head in the comedy scene I put him away I can tell you the year 09 I think I was at my peak

was it? yeah how old is 09 for you? 09 I am fucking 27 okay yeah that's like

literally it's like baseball like your 27 year is like the year right Cause you're old enough now You know when you're a kid You're a kid You don't know what you're doing yet And then you get out of college

And you start to really Hold it Cause you also start drinking More things Different brands Better liquor By the time you're 27 You've had

Everything from like Four loco To you know Fucking 1490 Whatever it is You have your brand So you've done it all Yeah you have your brand

And you know what you can go with. Yeah, and you're young enough but not old at all. It's perfect. I specifically, but here's the deal with me, is I'm the son of alcoholics and raised in Colorado. So I was like. Oh, the altitude, dude. I was like Conan on that wheel.

You know, Conan the Barbarian where he's just pushing that wheel. And then when I graduated high school, I was like just pit fighting everybody. I went down. I went to the University of Arizona And when I showed up there, I was out drinking everybody. Yeah, cuz it's sea level. So it's like It's why the it's why the fucking Olympic training is there the altitude you can't breathe as well, right? So then I come down to fucking sea level and everyone's booting. I'm still drinking. You're like Superman with a yellow sun. I'll tell you exactly. I remember

freshman year, shout out Apache Santa Cruz dorms in Arizona. I drank a liter of Captain Morgan by myself. And that made me puke. A liter? Jesus Christ. A big fucking liter. The size up from a fifth.

It's the handle. It's in between a 175 and a fifth. That's a lot. Jesus. And I did it with Dr. Pepper and Captain Morgan. And I was just like, and I knew, I was like, that's my limit. That's where I'm at.

And then you just get near 20, especially living in New York. This city. You drink so much This city's built For alcoholics Yes Because you walk outside

And you're like Eh And you can get home Arizona you go out Put your hand up You wake up in the desert What the fuck You're like

Digging yourself out of a hole You're like What the fuck New York You're like I think I took a cab home Last night Dude New York

You definitely can party Like you can go to clubs And shit Obviously there's a whole scene where you can- That's weak. But yeah, there's drinking. There's partying and there's drinking. The only thing that-

And there's just so many Irish pubs. That's the one. Yeah, yeah. McCaffrey and Burke in Queens on 30th Avenue in Astoria is one. Yeah, you know it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, that was my place.

That's a drinking bar. When I first moved here, I saw on the news somebody got stabbed with a knife here. And I'm like, yeah, that's- You want to know what was one of the most baller moments of my life? As I went through a bad breakup when I was like 24. And I lived in the same apartment- You stabbed the guy in Queens? Yeah, took his life.

They said he stabbed it, but I did it with my bare hands. No, but I remember I was 24. I was doing open mics and shit. I went through a breakup. And I went to McCaffrey and Burke at like 3.30 in the morning. And it was like me and three other guys, and the bartender was like, you're going through it, right? And he was just pouring me Jose Cuervo shots. I was doing Cuervo with Bud Heavy. Oh!

And he let me smoke inside. Hell yeah. And I was like, this is the life. We watched Surviving the Game with Ice-T on closed caption. Watched the whole movie. I walked outside at like five in the morning and I was like I just remember it was the summer and how much

booze I sweated out the next day. That is the worst. Can't regulate your body temperature. The hot sweat. I get that with weed now. I'll get too high and like- Get a weed hangover? I'll start like sweating. I'll be like, oh, I'm too high.

My body's rejecting this. Your body just needs to push it out one way or the other. Get the fuck out of here. There is something though about a bartender or a bar who like lets you do after hours or, you know- Smoking inside is the sign. Smoking inside is the pinnacle of it all. There's nothing cooler than that

yeah because it's been outlawed long enough in our lives that we really don't remember a time when you could smoke there are still a few states though right Tennessee

Tennessee is that one imagine Arizona they don't have any laws out there do they I think they probably probably probably smoking there there was a bar

didn't they just allow was it the Knights I think it was that I just went to in Chicago where it's like it's like a cop bar so like no one comes in but it's also a bar that has like rumors that like it was where capone used

to go dump bodies where there's a tunnel to the fucking great like the fucking great lake under it and you walk in there and it's it's not like you can smoke it's like you have to smoke yeah so everyone's smoking and dude i can't tell you i didn't get halfway through a beer before i was like my eyes are burning it was so i don't know how we used to do it it looks cooler in the movies no one in the movies ever like this i kept going like this i was like i was like we were hot boxing an entire imagine it being a girl too though like guys it's like i don't know whatever but you put your makeup on you get your hair done and you just oh it's not that kind of bar well yes but but when when everybody was smoking

yeah do you know when they used to it's hilarious that restaurants used to be like oh we have smoking or non-smoking yeah you think that's a thing you're like smoke is gonna listen it's an airtight room bro we went to a diner the mirage diner in new rochelle that had the uh we just called it the cancer box because it was the smoking section was all glass, like the windows that were leading out to this. That's like smoke rooms at airports. Yeah, right. It was like we didn't even smoke, but we were like, eh, send me in there. Fuck, yeah.

I remember the bar was so filled with smoke. I went home drunk, and I was so shit-faced, I decided to get in the tub. That's how people die you know that right yes yes you can't you can't do drunken bath shit face at like 15 and uh the way it was dude i love that you become a mom that's just had too much yeah like i was gonna light a candle and i just need a me night black out you was like oh i was like i'm so tired of the kids i'm gonna soak fuck that it was literally like a freshman in high school or some shit but there was like a oh it was a weird bath where there was just like tiles behind me anyway once we're sure i could

like lean my head back yeah and there was like so much smoke in my hair that it like left a fucking like a yellow no it was like it was like dark it was like a dark kind of like a soot it's almost i was like do i have like smoke in my hair chimney sweep who the fuck has hair like that fucking like taking care of chimney he's time for a 15 year old to take a bath that's like old fucking chimney sweep shit all right all right i sweep in the chimney and come on down and have a big old bowl of meat. Yeah, dude.

I don't know what fucking lifestyle you're living at 15. Jesus Christ. It was bad. When did you start drinking? I was like 16, 17. But then I realized I was good at it.

It was like being the son of Eric Clapton and picking up a guitar. And you're like, oh, okay. I'll take this for a a walk it was like literally my second night drinking we were staying at a hotel here my i was on i was on vacation in new york with my parents okay and then like my friends from high school had a hotel here and they were like i was like i'm gonna go hang out with my friends and my parents were like okay and i went and like immediately like had to catch up because

i was like i was at dinner with my parents they were drinking all day and i smashed like eight beers and then we were doing like shots out of like uh cigar uh cases the top part little shooters yeah no where you open the cigar right here yeah like the whole plastic thing you're a macgyver in it and we were just like why don't you just take a pull from the bottle at that point i don't think we even thought you could do that. That wasn't like how drinkers drank. It wasn't even hard to get it in there. Yeah, it was really hard.

Yeah. And I like ripped like three shots of that, and everyone was like, Jesus Christ, Fidel Bergen drank. And I was like – We were fucking 15, dude. I was like, oh, really? Yeah. Well, that happened –

Did you guys just come up? Oh, am I good at this? When I got to college at Fordham, which is – I'm not talking about Arizona State or something where everyone's partying, but a lot of people were like drinking in bars for like the first time ever because they were like, we were getting fake IDs or returning 21. And I was like, I've been in bars for like years now. Yeah.

This is just life for me. You know, they were like. Why? Because in high school, you, did you have a fake ID? And we had. You go to bars in high school? Dude, I went to bars fake ID? And we had, you go to bars in high school, dude, I went to bars and I was like 15 years old.

Hell yeah. Like we, and we had those kids are fucking why? That's why all you meet Manhattan kids. And they're like, I was in Phoenix house by 12. And you're like, you were in rehab by 12.

I was playing with action figures still. And you were in fucking rehab. New York city kids. It's like East coast is one thing in the city. Yeah. City children. I think I was like, you're in fucking rehab new york city kids is like east coast is one thing in the city yeah city children i think asakira porn star she's our show for a while she i think she said something like she did coke before she like drank it was like crazy yeah i mean they were they were i probably so you guys never went to like a taco bell parking lot no we did that wait to see where the house party was no we not No, we drank in the woods.

What a fucking... That's a difference. Woods and bars? Yeah, it was either the woods on a golf course. We did golf course. Ninth hole or something like that. Or we had this strip of bars on North Avenue. Shout out to Iona. And there was a couple other colleges there.

And they had O'Briens and Scholars and all these bars. Literally, a huge police station right across the street. And you were 15 walking into a bar. Like, I had, bro, I hate to even tell the story because I did it recently because it aged me so bad. I had my brother's four years older. And I had his fake ID from when he was my age drinking. It was from the 70s. Damn.

I had a fake ID that said, like, age drinking. It was from the 70s. Damn. I had a fake ID that said like 78. Damn. You know what's crazy? My fake ID, 79. Yes. That's another one. I found. Dude, I said that and all of their faces, they were like, oh my God, you're going to

die soon. It's over. Dude, I was just in Vegas for Skank Fest and I was saying when I was 18 to 22, 23, I lived in Tucson. So I'd drive up. I had a boy that went to UNLV, so I'd drive up to UNLV and fucking go to the Strip or whatever. But I had my friend's brother's driver's license, and he was born in 79. Shout out, Josh. Still friends.

And I had his driver's license, and then I lost it. And I was like, dude, I lost your driver's license. And he goes, dude, just fucking take my ID card. So I had his Colorado identification card. What a guy. Then I found his license. So I had two forms of ID. And I went to Caesars.

Dude, I was at Caesars playing fucking blackjack at like 19. And they were like, I was drunk. And they're like, ID. Hand him the license. And the guy's like, you got another form? Thinking I'm a bad, nah. And I'm like, ID. Hand him the license. And the guy's like, you got another form? Thinking I'm a big, nah. And I'm like, ID card right here. And you saw the pit boss be like, all right.

And I was like, what? And I lost all my money. Listen, I've beaten a couple bouncers here and there at bars and clubs. Beating a casino pit boss with your ID. That's some like Ocean's Eleven shit. And when it happened, I was like. What if you won? Imagine if you won like a huge jackpot. I don't know what I would have done. What would have happened? Luckily, it didn't ID. Crazy. That's some like Ocean's Eleven shit. And when it happened, I was like, imagine if you won

like a huge jackpot. I don't know what I would have done. What would have happened? Luckily, it didn't happen. I'd be an FBI agent. What? It was, I didn't really,

it's kind of a cheat code. I was at KJ's Pub, I believe it's called, in Tallahassee, and I had a fake passport. I had, it was a real passport, it just wasn't me.

And KJ's is like the only 21 plus bar in Tallahassee. And I was like 18, 19 at the time or whatever. And it got raided. And so they were like checking for underages, all that kind of stuff. And the cop comes up to me and I was making a passage in my head where I'm like

am I going to... I'll just take it. Take a minor obsession. Get a consumption ticket. Just give me a real one. Because, I mean, this was at a time, like, this was like 2005, maybe. No, 2007. Where, like, Guantanamo was popping. And I don't know where you go for a fake passport. Yeah, I don't know if they put you with the guys that did 9-11.

I don't think they put you with the mastermind of the biggest domestic terrorist attack. They go, I caught this kid. Tell that to a drunk fucking 17-year-old, 18-year-old. Just some guys like, what are you in here for? I don't think they put you with the mastermind of the biggest domestic terrorist attack. They go, I caught this kid. Tell that to a drunk fucking 17-year-old, 18-year-old. Just some guy's like, what are you in here for? And you're like, I was in a bar in Tallahassee. I tried to blow up the White House and was caught in Syria. And you're like, oh, yeah, dude.

Same thing, bro. I was pretty drunk. It's a fucking bummer, dude. But I handed it to him, and he's looking at it, and he's looking at me, and he's looking at it, and he's looking at me. And, like, I honestly don't know which way it was going to go. It was probably pretty 50-50. But then someone behind him just punched a cop in the face, and that guy got in all the trouble. Thank you, sir. That's great.

You wonder if he's being taken away if he looks at you and he like winks? I got you, kid. That was for you. You always have a car trailing behind you, right? Yeah. I remember my buddy got put in the back of a cop car once. It was like partying, house party, whatever it was. And one of the older kids in high school was like, he was like, I'm going to get you out.

I'm going to get you out. I'm going to pop the, and he was like, no, no, stop. I'm just going to go get written up and my parents will pick me up. We're'm going to get you out. I'm going to get you out. Like, I'm going to pop the, but like, and he was like, no, no, stop. Like, I'm just going to go get like written up and my parents will pick me up. Like, we're not going to evade the police. And we weren't even really friends with this guy. He was like,

I got you, bro. Like, fuck these pigs. We're going to get you out. And he was like, I don't know if he was comfortable. He was like,

oh, stop, stop. It's not a big deal, man. But we, I mean, we were mixing it up like that early though.

Cause we had, cause you feel invincible. Yeah. It was, it was just like, I'm drunk. I'm a high school kid. What are you going to do? I'm a child. Yeah. What are you going to do to me? early though because we had because you feel invincible yeah it was it was just like i'm drunk i'm a high school kid what are you gonna do i'm a child yeah what are you gonna do to me fucking hit me i'm a little boy meanwhile you're at a fucking bar yeah i grew up my parents were

my dad was like a bartender so i grew up like going to bars so that's why that bar life i was talking about this on the show yesterday is that i was just in england this weekend and like it was the like the pubs have like the kids have to be out by eight yeah but it's cool that like we were in there earlier and like cool like kids are running around and like it is like oh it's way sadder in the states we're just sitting there having a shirley temple next to a man who's just unfurling we're like i like wol Wolverine better than Cyclops. And he goes, slut wife came home.

She was with my goddamn fucking best friend. And you're like, yeah, Hulk Hogan lost to the ultimate warrior. It's like, it was fucked up. I shouldn't have been around those guys. This was like, it was cultural. It was cute to see. I probably should have pictured

it was the other way with you. My dad was a bartender in a bowling alley. You know how bleak that is? That's bleak. That is bleak. And we're not talking one of those black light party bowling alleys that are hanging out. This was a cosmic bowling. It's just like dudes being like, yeah, I rolled it pretty hard.

I ain't going home. I fucking hate my life. And then I'm just sitting there reading comic books on a milk crate. Oh my God. It was wild. My dad used to work at this liquor store and i remember that was like the first time i saw that homeless people start their day with booze that i was like eight years old and my dad's like here they come just a guy like hey lives on the street this is

what he's doing he like didn't put it together you're like oh all right dude it's fucking wild but that like i mean i want to say that's cool but it's it's character building yeah it's like i definitely think it's character building but it may be a little too early but i think when you're uh like coming of age and you get to get in the bar you know the bartenders or your your friends with like your family is like cops and firefighters who you know what i mean like there's like a If a bar is loved by cops and firefighters, it's the same with sandwich places. I've learned that in New York.

If you go into a sandwich place in New York and they got a bunch of firefighter shields or stuff and then two guys that they lost in 9-11, those sandwiches are going to be bangers. What's the fucking wings place on the east side? Oh, fuck. That sucks. Crocs?

I don't know. It's like on, let's call it fucking 38th and 3rd. It is exactly what you're describing. You walk in and you're like... They're like the best wings. Dan and J's or something? No, I thought it was called something like the station. I don't know.

If you search best wings in New York, I'm sure it'll pop up, but it's exactly... A bar's got to have some character to it. It's got to have some characters. I mean, everything's corporate now. Everything's just cookie cutter, like Jimmy John's shit. So when you find a place where he's like, it's my brother. He died in 9-11.

You want a chicken cutlet on your sandwich? You're like, yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, this is going to be great. This is going to be great. The sandwich is a little sad, which is going to be great. I end up leaving the place being like, thank you for your service and your family service. Fuck yeah, dude. When we were drinking at the Jolly Tinker at Fordham, it was like a cop bar.

So some college kids were there. So like one fourth of them, I guess, are of age. But everyone else is underage. And they're like, fucking guns are on the bar. You know what I mean? Like they were just coming out off of their shift. And're all drinking together i was like what arizona was like a lot of hot fun greek parties or whatever and then i would go to the golden nugget which was just like this biker bar hell yeah and you're just drinking it was just like this box girls

of the pool no thanks i'm gonna go drink with like i wasn't good at gambling degenerates yeah like all the kids at arizona, you know, hot and cool. They all had cool. I was wearing liquor T-shirts and jean shorts, ripping camel lights. Just being like, you guys want to get fucked up? See, that's cool. I think that's cool. But it wasn't.

It wasn't cool. They're like, that's fucking weird. You guys had a bad Caesar cut. And I was like, I'm going to go black out. And they'd be like, this is fucked up. But that was like, you know, that's character building. That's exactly why I was at KJ's rather than like frat parties. Yeah.

I was almost getting raided by the FBI because I had to be the 21 plus bar. But then you miss out on like the fun college drinks. Like, you know, when they make like Skippy where it's like a case of beer and a 175. My buddy went right to the hospital for that. Really? Went right to St. Barnabas. We called him Barney for like the rest of his life. He, yeah, it's a 30 rack a 175. My buddy went right to the hospital for that. Went right to St. Barnabas. We called him Barney for the rest of his life. It's a 30 rack,

lemonade mix, bottle of vodka. Bottle of Barton's or fucking bottom shelf vodka. I think that was as far as the alcohol. 30 and the vodka and then whatever dumb juice powder you want. It was awful, by the way. I remember it fondly. i haven't had it in quite

some time you guys are doing a work party and just really watch everyone lose their jungle juice when you hit it right actually is like this just tastes like some sort of fruit punch but i know it's got like a billion ounces of everclear in it skippy's was like this tastes like beer vodka and lemonade powder now i'm just i missed missed completely out on hard seltzers. I've been out of the game for 10 years. Dating apps and hard seltzer. Never did it, man. I see seltzers and I'm like, does it creep up on you?

Do you feel the booze? Because beers, you kind of learn how to feel the booze. Hard alcohol, you kind of know the booze. Seltzers, are you just like, oh, I've had seven, and now I'm fighting a guy? I don't think I've ever had enough. I've maybe had like one. I've never had a good day drinking seltzers. You don't drink seltzers?

Yeah. Does anyone in this room? They sneak up on you. They sneak up on you? They do, because they go down quick, and then you're like. It's like refreshing almost, right? And you have six beers on a sunny day. It's easy. And you have those the same, and then you sit down refreshing almost right and you know you have six beers in a on a sunny day it's easy yeah and you have those the same and then you sit down and you're well i mean they're

vodka sodas really yeah so like i remember i always drank vodka soda and whether it was placebo or actual i was like this is like you know a good amount of water this is like you know i'm getting some seltzer water in here that's more than i would have ever gotten anyway and i would always wake up like feeling somewhat better so i don't know if that was just in my brain or if it was like because if i'm just drinking something straight or drinking beers i guess a lot of light beers a lot of water too but i would do whiskey with beer backs yeah and then pedialyte because i saw it in a pantera documentary really yeah dime bag daryl was like you want to fucking rock the next day drink pedialyte so the duane re Reed by my house thought I had the sickest baby.

So I'd be picking up like five. That's why we've got Revitalyte now. You see that orange bottle there? You don't have to go to the baby aisle anymore. I hate to be a hipster on this, but I think Dimebag Darryl was ahead of the curve. Because it fucking works. I had a buddy doing that in high school. The same kind of thing.

I don't know. Maybe he wanted to pick the same thing. You'd have to go to the fucking baby aisle. Next to the diapers and shit. It'd be like, get Fruit Punch Pedialyte, and you'd have to go to the fucking baby aisle next to the diapers and shit and be like get like fruit punch Pedialyte

and you'd be like half of this bad boy and I'm fine on the cafe tomorrow at Dos Caminos I'm not sure I remember the first time he took me

and like same thing it's like there's fucking diapers around I was like dude there's no like you're gonna make me drink something gross I'm still drunk I think

like there's no way I'm gonna drink this and then he like put down half of it to like show it was okay almost almost like in like old roman times no poison yeah i was like all right i'll give it a shot i actually never really did it for me really no it didn't i just remember the first time i did it was after the show there used to be this show at this bar called cabin uh like on fifth and second and it was like the thursday night show it was just like a bar

show and like sometimes like rock or louis or something coming and do it's like little room on the lorry side and we it was pbr and fucking well whiskey it was like a shot and a beer for like three bucks what was the name it was cabin bar it's closed now okay because i do have a place that was like very strictly pbr yeah it was well there was blue and gold over on seventh and first where you could go get like cheap whiskey but cabin bar that show thursday night a lot of people in comedy who are very famous now i've seen in very compromising situations because of that show because everyone would just get fucking blackout on thursday nights and that was i was always i always had to be up at the restaurant at 10 a.m and i remember pedialyte was like

get off i would get off the train drunk go to duane reed get a pedialyte slam it on the way home and wake up and be like i'm good to go how nice is it now just never being hung over though right if anyone quits drinking the weirdest part is the first two weeks because you wake up and you're like oh yeah i used to do that in college. I'd be like, oh, my God, I'm so hungover. And then it would be a day I took off and I was like, wait a minute, no, I'm not. I'm actually going to eat breakfast and not breathe weird. Not in between bites, but like, fuck this.

Fuck this fucking eggs. Now I'm like, oh, that happened. happened to reading the paper dude the again this weekend was weird yeah and i was i woke up on sunday so like drunk slash hungover still that like the only thing i could stomach was they're like do you want to you know english breakfast yeah and i was like i can't stomach anything on that plate guys get a bowl of beans, please? Bowl of beans? What, do you ride the rails? Are you fucking hobo?

Who's like, oh, man. Over a barrel. You're like, this fucking guy wants some barley beans. Well, they're on the plate. I was like, can I just do the beans in a bigger capacity? I think the plate is worse. You probably look like such an American cowboy. A little bit of beans, miss.

And you're spooning them Sorry about your fancy queen I wouldn't mind a bowl of beans Yeah that's fucking wild dude That's crazy I used to work for Guinness That's what got me out of waiting tables I was the brand ambassador for Guinness

So you have to really car salesman That fucking mud water I'd have to be like Are you guys ready for more beer? But it got me out. It got me out of waiting tables. I didn't give a fuck. But the coolest part was they sent me to Dublin and they were like, we're going to fucking we got a photographer, a local photographer.

You're going to go to pubs and drink Guinness. So me and this guy, Brandon, became friends and we were like drinking and we go to this place. And the last night he's like, I got to show you where I go. And I was like, let's fucking go. And so we drank, blacked out. I cried to these four old Irishmen in a bar singing Time After Time. Just openly wept.

Bro, that's awesome. And that fucking accent. We're like, time after time. And I was like. Sitting at the bar just. I was like sitting at the bar just I was at the boar's head just being like

I got so blackout drunk that when I woke up I woke up naked in my San Francisco Giants hat and I had bought a boar head t-shirt and my jeans

were laid out my bag was packed everything was by the door blackout me packed and set out a a fucking outfit with my shoes with my shoes at the bottom of the jeans yeah yeah and then a fucking glass filled with cigarette butts i was like well i smoked in this room i'm gonna pay for that which i did i

think it was like 300 bucks i was like fuck but dude that was a crazy like england like uk drinking americans can't handle a different story man it's a different game yeah because they just they do it from like uh they were from they're at the bar when they just signed to kick the kids out when i got there it was 8 a.m or whatever and we couldn't get check into our hotel and i was like oh it's probably gonna be hard to like get a drink because like we just got off the plane we were having a few beers on the plane and the hotel was like no the bar's open is there a bar open around

like yeah there's a hotel in every other bar do you want to you go drink there's like regrets I have about quitting drinking like I never got to drink in New Orleans

that was always a place you never had to drink in New Orleans no the first time I went I was already stopped drinking and I was like damn I guess I'll just enjoy beignets I was like

I wish I could fucking rip. I want to get into some voodoo shit. But yeah, there's like cities I regret. Never a one trip? I mean, I guess to say all that, I've only been once myself. You've been a bunch, right? Yeah, I went to high school with a kid from New Orleans. So we started going.

We started fucking ripping in New Orleans at like 16. I was on bourbon with a hand grenade at like, honestly, probably 16. Really? Just ripping. New Orleans, Madison, Wisconsin honestly, probably 16. Really? Just ripping. New Orleans, Madison, Wisconsin. Never done that. Never got to drink. That's a great drinking city.

And you need those big 10 schools, dude. Those big 10 schools. Cold weather and football. We got to warm up and drink. Dude, Bloomington, Indiana. Nate Bargetzi and I did a show, and that was one of the only times I ever saw Nate throw up. They fucking go hard in Indiana. That's that Midwest survival.

It's cold out. I'm nice. I'm going to get drunk and try to fight you. It's on the surface. I'm still a human underneath. That's why they all play hockey. I like you. I'll fucking put you on the boards, bud.

Yeah, it's fucking wild, dude. Midwestern people have that. Everyone's full of shit. They just do it with a candy-coated shell. Yeah, we learned about Minnesota Nice, right? Was it Minnesota or Midwest Nice? Minnesota. Minnesota Nice.

I thought that meant you're all nice to a fault. You're all pussies. You're so nice. Then I learned it's like, no, you're nice to my face, and you want to like okay see ya I'll fucking kill him which the phrase I guess bless your heart is more

like in the south but I thought Minnesota had one as well that was like everyone's got a subtle fuck you yeah yeah every state and fucking culture has like okay good for you fuck you this is absolutely monstrous news for your boy, John Henry Feidelberg. We have our own motherfucking whiskey.

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Arizona, everyone's angry. I say this all the time. Arizona's more angry than in New York? Dude, there's something oppressive about living in a 116 degree heat. It's a pressure cooker. It just boils you up. If you're not from Arizona and you go there, just picture everyone has a rattle.

Like a rattler on. And it makes sense. Like, how you doing? How you doing i'm sorry that's why all those animals make that noise out there everyone's pissed but i like new york because new york was very like move get the fuck out of the way you're like thank you well also in new york chic summertime hits, murders go up. The police station looks at the fucking weather. It's going to be 97, feel like 101. People are dying tonight.

Gunshots are fired. You both grew up on the East Coast with humidity. I grew up in Colorado. There's no humidity. I lived in Arizona. No humidity. First summer I moved here, it was fucking hell. It was the worst thing I've ever felt in my life. I try to explain to people. I didn't have an air conditioner when I moved to my apartment in Queens.

I would take cold showers at 4 o'clock in the morning to go back to sleep for three hours. You can't live. Yeah, he's so sick. What? What the fuck are we doing? If we were in the old studio at the old office, I'd be like, Hey, Heidelberg, you're coming along. You'll be fine. What the fuck do you mean you don't have an air conditioner?

Crazy, dude. Why? Why? I'm mad. I'm actually mad for you. You could have had so many. How do you sleep? He didn't.

I sleep stark naked, spread eagle, so my skin doesn't touch my skin. Didn't your couch, didn't your living room have? Yeah. So you would never go to your bedroom. I just slept on the couch every... Because, like... What stops you from putting it in your room? So it's a bar.

So it's a second floor apartment, but there's, like, a balcony so you can climb up to it. So they have, like, my windows in my room have bars on them. So I have to do one of those ones with, like, the fucking industrial tube. Yeah. And, like... John's just not going to do that. No, I did it.

I have it. It just doesn did it. I have it. It just doesn't work. I can't get it to work. Move? I think I'm going to do that. But I should. I could also get one out. To me, I would have moved right away.

If I don't have air conditioning, I'm out. Yeah, there was some nights that somebody was playing at a hotel. Did you ever do that? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know how brutal? I don't think people understand. The summer's here. It's insane. It's fucking brutal. It's like you're constantly in? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know how brutal? I don't think people understand.

The summer's here. It's insane. It's fucking brutal. It's like you're constantly in a time to kill. You're constantly being like, nah, I'll shut your ass. It's an air-conditioned apartment. It's fucking wild.

It is. In recent years, it does not matter if it's day or night. It gets worse at night. I'm like, the sun is gone. How is it more humid and hotter? It's been treating the apartment like a microwave oven.

Yeah. I think like two months ago, wasn't even two months ago, it was so hot here. I walked from the cellar to Duane Reade because we ran out of ranch at home. And I was like, I'll pick up some fucking pocket ranch.

And I went to Duane Reade and I felt my fucking shins sweating because I was wearing jeans. I was like, ugh. And you just slept in that shit? Bro, even last night, I didn't sleep under covers. I just sleep on top of the sheets and stuff.

Damn, you're like an old detective that's seen stuff. Where it comes back every night. That kid dropping off the 30th story. I could have fucking saved them you sleep like you got ptsd dude it is what accurate it's fucking mid-october yeah it's october like it is not it's not i got it's i have not slept under a comforter i guess hotels and stuff like that but in my apartment six months dude part of sleeping is the nuzzle yeah oh i

yeah sleeping is the fuck oh man what you go to a hotel, you hit the AC, what degrees do you put it on? I start at 68, and then we work down. Better minimum, bro. I'm a 65 most of the time. I don't even start at 60. I just get in this fucking hair earliest. Go to the bottom. The other day, I hit 58.

58? What? It went into the 50s. 58's wild, dude. Your toesies are a little... You can walk around barefoot. Well, it doesn't you know cause I get in there

I put it on and it's gotta start you know I don't think it ever got to 58 so it probably got to like low 60s cause it was trying to cook and

yeah but like I will I will make that I'll end up dead 55 you'll catch me one day dead in a in a freezing cold

well your body will be perfectly preserved yeah you'll be like a meat walker I actually saw I saw a TikTokiktok recently um because because this is what happened so i went in and i put the fucking temperature down i left i come back and it was still like 70 degrees and it uh and i like googled it or some shit and there's

this brand that uh it has like a motion sensor and so it knows when you're out of the room. And so it turns off. Fuck that. And it was a TikTok that was like, if this is your brand, if it has this name on it, I was like, it does. Click this little thing and it'll turn it off. And I did.

And it was fucking the best thing that TikTok ever did for me. I came back that night and it was like 58. There's nothing. I mean, you must love that. Hotel Cold. Oh, the best. After your hot box?

It is. And the thing is, I really like sleeping cold. I just. Oh, the best. After your hot box. It is. And the thing is, I really like sleeping cold. I just hate doing things. Yeah. I could call Home Depot and probably have one delivered by the time I get home. And installed. And installed, yeah.

Yeah, it's crazy. And I'm just not going to do that. Well, you're also now at this point where if you get an air conditioner, it's kind of stupid. Right. Two weeks away from- Although the pie's starting to go on sale. We have a couple cash-

Now we're going to go- Like the way you think. Because you're going to save. You're going to suffer all summer, but you could save like $45. Pretty cool. Pretty good save. You're the man, dude. My mom would like that one.

You're the man. She goes, I raised a good boy. You got a deal on a fucking standing air conditioner. They're about $300, though, right? Yeah, dude, but those BTUs, man. The second I got money, I was like, I'm going to get a fat fucking air conditioner. They're about 300 bucks though, right? Yeah, dude, but those BTUs, man. The second I got money, I was like, I'm going to get

a fat fucking air conditioner. Yeah. Give me a space engine, dude. Yeah. I got the remote. I was like, crank it down, dude. I fucking love them.

Portnoy has a dream. He's opened up a hotel chain just called air conditioning and water pressure. That's it. The showers are bomb and the air conditioner knows no bounds. I miss, dude, my old queen's apartment.

The first roommate I had, his dad was a plumber, and he came in and fucking did something. That's another thing. That's actually very easy. TikTok taught me that as well. It's super easy, even if you're like a total, you don't know how to do anything handy. You just unscrew the head,

and there's a little rubber circle. Yeah. It's a water pressure. It's a washer that stops the water pressure. Pop it out, and you'll get as best as you can. Dude, that's what it was, because that thing would hit your back, and you'd be like, what the fuck? I don't feel anything.

It's a massage? But also, do you care enough about that in a hotel to do it? No, no, I do it at home. It's at home. I have a shitty apartment that's you know you're on the 12th floor so the water pressure like i saw okay i was like i'm here for two nights i'm not gonna no i don't care about that that would be great though like what's this bill for did you change the water pressure at the hyatt like i did i got a call they got me there okay when i did

that i put it on uh instagram and my my landlord who's like a family friend of ours, hit me up, and he was like, ah, so you're doing that, huh? Well, I wonder how much that fucks with the water bill. Well, it's going to be higher than it was. I'll tell you that much. I'll tell you, Anthony, my old landlord, never said shit, but he never fixed anything. I had Maria Orlando, who was my landlord in Hoboken. She was so ride or die. My roommate from when we lived there,

we have since all moved out and moved on. We're probably now, we lived there post-college. Now we're probably like late 20s. He gets shit-faced in Hoboken, decides to take a stroll back to the old place for nostalgia, and then proceeds to break in.

And it was still vacant. It was an old apartment. It was, like, two or three stories, three units. But it was, like, a rickety old thing. It wasn't like he was walking. It was, like, a doorman or anything, you know? And he walked in.

I think he, like, shouldered his way into the fucking vacant apartment. The cops end up coming because I think, like, upstairs was. Yeah. Occupied. The cops end up coming because I think upstairs was occupied. And he is like a Wall Street Patagonia vest douchebag. And the cops came. And he was wearing flip-flops, jeans, and a Patagonia vest. And the cops were like, look at this fucking douchebag.

He said he came out of his blackout sitting in the apartment handcuffed. Oh, that's got to be crazy, though, when you're like,'re like hey i know this place yeah you come out of it yeah my fucking arms coming out of blackouts you're like whoa what's the worst place you've ever or the most memorable best worst whatever you want to call it oh my god i mean las vegas i used to go there every first weekend of the tournament and there would be like times where i would just like wake up at 4 p.m out of a blackout and you're like what and the sun's setting and you think it's it's fucking coming up that's that is the most like jarring yeah that's because you're like what do you mean it's night what do

you mean it's night and i slept through the whole day and they're like dude you came in at 9 a.m i'm like what my favorite blackout moment was a vegas trip where i i had the fake ids and we went and i blacked out at the blackjack table because i was doing when they would come around i'd get a jaeger shot and then come back and i'd get a rolling rock so i was doing jaeger and rolling rocks all night sitting at the blackjack table talking shit smoking cigarettes and then i woke up in the bathtub with pillows like you know like i am legend like i slept in there with my dog like i it wasn't like the water wasn't on or nothing it was like kind of cozy yeah and i woke up and i was like look at this little womb and i woke up and it was like 2 at this little womb and i woke up and it was like

2 or 3 p.m and my buddies were like dude do you remember last night and i was like no they're like we came in the room at four in the morning it was like when you had to plug this is before phones had music on them this is like oh five four he's like you had the speakers blasting picture me rolling and you were jumping aggressively on the bed with eight hundred dollars i won eight hundred dollars and i found my pants from the night before and i had like 700 i found seven of the 800 and i was like what the fuck they're like dude we're in trouble like the people next to us were mad and i was like that that was fun i don't remember that, but that sounds fun. Picture me rolling.

That was a fucking joy. Plastin' Tupac with up eight hundo. That's probably fucking pretty sweet. Arguably worse than waking up, though, and you're like, it's night, is waking up and being like, it's night, but you expect it to be morning. That's what I mean. I would wake up and see the sun setting, and I'm like, oh, the sun's coming up. I must have slept for two hours.

And they're like, you were out for fucking 12. God damn it. God damn it. I missed Thursday, huh? The whole fucking thing. In a Vegas trip, that's a whole day. You're like, I'm fucking done. Yeah, no.

I mean, Vegas, even if you're not blacked out, you're just like, what? Skankfest was like. I hadn't seen the light of day. Oh, yeah, how was it? It was unbelievable. Yeah, Vegas is a good setting for that or bad you know what's going we need to have you guys on the bonfire and then we need so i'm here to work on your guys's apology to big j for turning on him with nicky glazer we oh god still talking about this i'm coming here I'm coming here as a diplomatic mission.

Bro. You guys fucking. Bro, we said four things on that whole show. I know. We're still talking about this. But you were still complicit. And I believe one of the things was KFC at the end of the show said, and I quote, Jay pitched a perfect game. He did. And then Nicky was on here and you're like, I am so sorry.

Well, I, you can't. Oh, I didn't apologize to Nicky. Nick,. I was like. Well, I, you can't. Oh, I didn't apologize to Nikki. Nick, you weren't here. Nick, me and Nikki did. By the way, I like you're fired up. You're like his co-counsel. And by the way, this is a simple fix.

But the song was hilarious. Yes. Nikki even liked it. That's what I'm saying. Jay and her talked about it on the Burt tour but when she she was just like I'm getting buried on the internet and I was like yeah

because it's funny and I was talking yeah but I was like you know like that all sucks but then you have me on camera like howling laughing

about it I that was a whole thing and I will always apologize to anybody that I am like laughing about them

behind their back and then dogging on them and then nice in their face. Yeah. That is a real thing that now that everything's recorded, you're really like, if you listen to a podcast and you're laughing, you're like, ah, I wasn't really laughing.

But on that video, you'd be like, oh, shit. This is so fucking stupid. There was never any doubt that it was funny. It was fucking hilarious. I'm just saying. It was just that I felt bad about Nicky. Yeah. Well, when we sit down at the bonfire, I think you need to-

He's not really mad, is he? No. But, you know, an apology would be nice. I'm just saying. Maybe bring a gift to him. All I'm saying is he's big into the Eagles and they're doing well. Just find something filling. If I apologize to Nickyy I got to apologize to Jay

and I was apologizing to everybody this is it this is it though this is the life you signed up for no that no maybe

maybe not maybe now nope I'm done with apologies Nicky got the last one I'm not apologizing I'll do it with Jay I'll put Jay as the last one on there

then you can move on then I'll cut it off then you can cut it off also I just straight up like oh but dude I've been caught if it's a chick

I do treat you different. You know what I mean? I will apologize to a girl. I've ripped people's stand-up before on podcasts, and then I see them, and they're like, what's up? And you have to be like, I meant it. Sorry if I hurt. But that's hard.

That's hard to be like in that moment. But that's what I'm doing. Do that. See, that's what I'm doing. It cost me that moment and be like see that's it cost me one cost me we were like close friends but we were friends and they had a joke

that I was like this is Jay and I talked about it and like broke it down and then like it's just over really it's just over

and you're like honestly I think the riffing was worth it I don't know we weren't that close I think it was funny it was funny enough to bang on you that's the hardest part is like it's actually you either don't know them and don't know. We weren't that close. That segment wasn't great. It was funny enough to bang on you.

That's the hardest part. It's actually you either don't know them and don't care, and you just fucking say whatever you want, or you're really good friends with them, and you don't care. You say whatever you want. Or sometimes they show up. Sometimes they show up.

I've been doing, like, Steve-O is super awesome. He comes on the show, but I still love doing, like, you know, conspiracy theory Steve-O impressions. I still love being like, I don't know, man. Building 7. That look like a control demolition. That would be your best.

I haven't heard that one. That is good. I had Godfrey dying at Skankfest in the hotel doing Def Jam Steve-O. He's like, yeah, we're going Big Mama's and Big Mama gets the slice. Big biggest piece of chicken. You know what I mean? He's like,

white kids get time out. Black kids get time out from loving that ass. That's the one Jay-O just did. But like, Steve-O rules. And if you saw me being like,

I heard you in my voice. But doing an impression is not a... Sometimes people don't take it well, dude. Really? People do not take it well Well Steve-O would not Give a fuck

Yeah Steve-O was real But you know You're like ready for it If you say something I mean when you're on Podcasts and Like you're just talking So much

All the time Covering every topic Oh have you ever Given away a secret You ever given away A secret of a friend It's almost all I do Yeah

But they're like Dude I listened to that podcast. You should have said that. And you go, what's up? I said that? I was like, what did I talk about? You don't listen to my podcast. I had that rule with my friends.

Because again, all I do is give away their secrets. Do not tell me anything. All I tell is awful stories about my friends who have real jobs. Yeah, it's the best. You can't get mad about it, dude. I told you, don't listen to this podcast. You should have cut the friendship off. You wouldn't have even known it happened. It's the best. You can't get mad about it, dude. I told you, don't listen to this podcast. If you didn't listen to the show, you wouldn't have even known it happened. It's like, you didn't get fired, right?

So there's no way you'd know, don't listen to my fucking show. That's that way in stand-up, where you write a bit, and you're like, fuck, this is about somebody. And they're going to know it. You can change the name or the story a little bit. They're going to know. First time I did Conan, I had jokes about my mom dating a lot when i was a kid you know being promiscuous and i was like i called her up and i was like i have these jokes about you and my mom was like hey i put you through it if you're gonna write jokes about it and i was like sick that's awesome and

then i've had friends where i write jokes and they're like don't do that joke I have a joke about my buddy having sex with like a drunk older lady and I do it now and he came and saw me and he's like hey my wife's gonna be with me don't say the name of the hotel cause she knows the hotel and I was like and then I'm on

stage and you're like friendship fucking mode kicks in and you're like at the double tree and you're like I wasn't even kicks in and you're like, so I, at the double tree, and you're like, I wasn't even in. Slap so much harder, but that's like, especially if you're in a relationship

because shit happens and you're like, yo, this is super funny. Like, I have a bit about a Bluetooth speaker, porn going over a Bluetooth speaker, and like,

it happened and it was fucking crazy embarrassing during the pandemic and then just one afternoon, I'm like there playing video games, and Katie comes out to the living room, and she's like, you need to do that story as a bit. And I was like, for real? And she was like, yeah. And then it worked, and she would see it, and she's like, all right, it's just going

to be weird when my parents are in the audience. But you have to- That's harmless, too, though. There's some ones where it's like- Those are the ones where you're like, hey, I have this i say this and you're like that's the gig you put it out and then it comes to like if they're like no you're like this is almost like i'm asking permission slash i'm telling you i'm gonna do yeah like i had my whole my dad's whole family's drunk like dead so there's not really like a concern about it.

So on my HBO special, I did a lot of jokes about my dad being dead from drinking and being a Jimmy Buffett fan and how hilarious that is. And then I have this shithead half uncle who's not really in my life, and we kind of got into it on Facebook as ones to do. On Facebook? Like in the comments? Dude. On the wall? I commented on a photo that I was in with a family member. Some bullshit. I write back in the comments? Dude. On the wall? Commented on a photo that I was in with a family member. Some bullshit.

I write back in the comment section, take it to messages, and we just fucking get into it. When was this? About a year ago. About a year ago? You're getting into Facebook? Dude. Soda. Soda.

Soda. Soda. That is so crazy. You of all people, too, I feel like after you stop drinking and you have this perspective on life and you have this very, and then you're on fucking Facebook Messenger arguing with your half uncle about your dead dad. First and foremost, let me add, burying. I fucking dropped bars that were so hard I read it to my therapist. My therapist was like. I was like, therapist was like, I was like old Drake reading it out of my Blackberry. And he was like, oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah, he did do that. He did promise to take care of your guy and I and all. And fuck you. It was great, dude. I read that to him and my mom. And my mom was like, oh, come for the king. It was great. He's that to him and my mom and my mom was like oh bars come for the king

it was great he's him Soder's him it also aggravated me so much that I was constipated for a week so if you saw me in Rochester recently

shout out I couldn't poop and I was putting suppositories up my butt just being like fuck this dude fuck you Uncle David who really won then, bro?

Yeah, he did. Burying him? I don't know, man. If you haven't used depositories. Wild. It's weird how your butt sucks it up like spaghetti. Your butt's like... Jay said that happened and I was like, no way.

And then I did it and I was like, whoa. Hello. And I'm not a finger in the ass guy. I'm not that at all. And so I was like, way and then I did it I was like whoa and I'm not a finger in the ass guy I'm not that at all and so I was like it got me to this point it reminded me of this old Louie joke from Shameless where he like talks about putting a opiate suppository up his ass and he was like it warmed his ass and he's like why am I not shoving everything up but I remember like dude I was so constipated it was after the Niners lost to the Rams in the NFC Championship game.

That's a perfect storm, man. And I was like mad about it. Your team losing, your family's bugging. I knew McDaniel was leaving the Niners. I didn't know, but I had a feeling

McDaniel was leaving the Niners, so I was like, that was our last fucking shot. And then my uncle and I pop off at each other when I had food poisoning in Spokane, and I'm like,

fuck it. And then, oh dude, it was wild. This is one of the worst weeks I've heard of your life, and it's when you were sober. I was getting sober.

I was high. I thought about it more. I'll tell you much, bro. If you didn't break and start drinking that week, you never will. It was crazy. It was crazy. I legitimately being like,

I got into the fight with him, I think, before the Niner game. And then the Niner game happened. I remember trying to shit after the Niner game. And also, when you live with someone and you're constipated, they hear you say shit that they should never hear you say. Where you're like, it was almost like. Come on.

I go, come on. Yeah, you go, why? Just like that. Just like me in the bathroom for 20 minutes being like, just fucking why? I've had my head and my knees going, please, please, please. Dude, grabbing the towel rack and being like, on a squatty body. And being like, yeah. Nothing.

Nothing. Have you ever, like, kind of, like. Yeah, touch game. Dude, I pulled it. I pulled one out of Rochester. By the way, for the record, not gratifying. No. When you pull.

No, but you got to do what you got to do. Dude, yeah. Sometimes I don't go in. He's gonna puke now. There it goes. Just go. You're gonna puke. Just go.

Get it ready. Get it ready. It's crazy. Every time, man. Yeah, dude. Pulling poop out of your butt? I'll push it from the outside, man. I don't go in.

I'm sweating. You guys get me to laugh so much, I fucking sweat. It's almost like when a baby's in breach and they got to flip it around. The problem is it's just not right. I didn't know I was shitting diamonds. It's so hard. It's so firm. It's so fucking firm.

I haven't had a fiber bar in weeks. What the fuck is this? I was drinking that like Miralax. I called the doctor and he's like, dude, keep pounding it. And I came home from Rochester and that shit, when I hit that shit, I was like, it was like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber. I was like holding my leg up. My kid was constipated for like a year straight basically really?

and he used to just fucking it was like Randy Marsh in old school he was like sitting on top of him by the time oh in South Park? it came out like he did nine Keurigs? yeah it looked like a fucking football

and he's like it's hurting I'm like I bet it is dude I'm so sorry about this I don't know what to fucking do but it's almost like it's like you know when you're hungry and you just become an asshole and then you eat and you feel apologetic yeah that's what it is when the shit drops hey last week i was in a weird place said

some things i didn't really mean man what's crazy is i remember having to shit so bad on saturday in rochester right i remember having to shit so bad and then the shows were incredible but the second i get off stage i'd be like I have to poop and I can't. Also, I think I have cancer when that's happening. I'm not like, and I know what it is. It's like I'm constipated, but I'm not like it's just because I'm casually constipated.

I had a legitimate thought while I was constipated of like, alright, so do I document me dying of cancer so I can sell it when I'm gone so my mom gets some money? So Netflix can have a sad documentary about a man being stripped away. What would you rather prefer, like violent diarrhea or violent? Violent diarrhea.

All day. All day, every day. I agree, but I got food poisoning last night. Bro, what? Did you get both ends? No. You get food poisoning. It was.

I don't know. How many times do you think you have food poisoning? Honestly. You get it a bunch? was like, I don't know. How many times do you have food poisoning? Honestly, you get a bunch. Probably like a half a dozen times. Oh, that's like. Oh, that's like a year. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think that's your stomach. Something's wrong, bro. Where'd you eat? I just got sushi last night. That's why I think it has to be the sushi. Monday. You don't get sushi on Monday. I know.

I got Monday. So, yeah, I got. You don't ever get Monday sushi. Dude, what happens? I was away this weekend And I got home last night From here at what 8.30

Yeah I took a shower Because I came here Right from the airport Yeah So I showered It was on London time You were fucked up

I'll give you that And I needed something Fairly healthy And all the lunch Salad places were closed And I don't know Where you get a salad At other places

I don't know Like it was sweet green And fucking Just salad or clothes And I was like I need something Fucking healthy And Got that old fish dude where you get a salad other places. I don't know. Like, I gave sweet green and fucking just salad or clothes. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, I need something fucking healthy. Got that old fish,

dude. So I got sushi. And yeah, so it was definitely food poisoning. But like, and what sucks is, so I still haven't been to bed because I was up all night

just fucking shitting. And last night at like 3 a.m., I was on the toilet just like, same thing. Please! I was going, come on!

I was going, just stop, just stop, just stop, just stop. That's the worst part too. Just stop. Just stop. Just stop. Just stop. Just stop is better. Like when it's literally shit or get off the pot where it's like, I can't stop now. I mean, when it's not coming, you walk away from it and you're like with diarrhea, you

walk away and you go like, please let this be the end of it. Right. But then it's more frustrating when you walk away constipated because you're like, I'm just carrying this shit around. But when you do, you know, there's a lot of shit. When you start doing the diarrhea, when you just away constipated because you're like, I'm just carrying this shit around. But when you're doing the diarrhea, this is a lot of shit talk we're doing. I know, a lot of shit talk. When you start doing the diarrhea,

when you're just dabbing it, when you can't wipe. Oh, because by the end, you're wet. Oh, you can't wipe anymore, so you're just doing the... You're doing the corners of the mouth with an afghan.

That's the diarrhea life. You go, I think I'm done shooting shit out of my ass. Fucking brutal. Dude, I got a... There was a time, there was a period of time where I was getting my YouTube like pre-roll ads, where it's for some like, I don't know, pill or whatever. Yeah.

About constipation. And the numbers they were throwing out, they were like at any given moment, the human body has between like four and 20 pounds of shit inside you. Dude, I could drop 13 of those right now. If I have 20 pounds of shit. Would it take down my dad tits? If I fucking shit 13 pounds out? I go, dude, 13 pounds, all male tit.

Fucking crazy, dude. I look like I'm fucking 28. Get my shirt off. Walk around the house aggressive with my shirt off I wish I could find this oh thank god there is nothing gayer than worrying that your joke book fell somewhere and then everyone

can read my sillies especially barstool you know what I mean what the fuck does this mean you ever fucking see a skunk? You're like, shut up! It's an unfinished thought!

I felt it coming out. I was like, dude, please be in my pocket. Dude, that seat for some reason rips shit out of your pocket. Dude,

I did it with my wallet like last week and I thought I left my wallet on the subway. So it's the opposite where it was the best place for it to be.

Yeah. But it was on the floor here. I don't understand what it is about that seat. How much money for someone to go through your joke book? How it would have cost? Yeah.

Oh, God. I mean, embarrassment-wise. Like a literal number. Probably 500 bucks. Pay me 500, I'll let you read it through. It's really nothing embarrassing. It's just shit where you're like, yeah, I know it's not funny, but it's going to be eventually. It led to this, and they're like, fuck.

I wish I had 500 cash on you. I'd be like, fucking go. What's fun is when you go through, this is a thing that comics do, where you go through your set list and your jokes are sex positions instead of the actual bits. So if I read off my bits and you just think they're sex positions instead of bits where I'm like, internet at libraries you don't know what that is yeah yeah it could be a wild sex position right that's what i mean oh what about mass shooting i'm gonna give her the mass shooting

or cool friends let's do cool friends tonight you have no idea what i'm talking about that but that's what is that always so i don't have a joke book, but I have a notebook to write down thoughts and shit like that. That's all it is. It's in code. You wouldn't even understand what I'm talking about. Sometimes I fuck myself up and I'm like, horse hair. Oh, dude, I smoke a lot of weed. So sometimes I'll be like, two crazy hands.

And you're like, is this the concussion? What was this? Why did I think that this was the concussion? And I know it was funny enough that I wrote it down. It was killer. hands and you're like is this the concussion what was this why did i think that this and i know i know it was funny enough that i wrote it down there's probably times where i'm like whoo i'm dude in my notes in my phone yeah i do it here zero yeah i find my notes to be way more embarrassing than anytime i've ever written something yeah yeah yeah i got bad notes how much to go through your notes uh not as i used to do it when i was writing when i was a blogger because it was much

like i don't like do a bit on the podcast you know yeah so it's more like i'll have topics but when i was blogging i would be like this is like a metaphor it was your diary yeah basically yeah i got a pretty sweet quote from a movie yeah basically i remember like carpe diem robin williams movie the very first one was uh i, I said, die hard water jug puzzle. Do you know what I'm talking about? From With a Vengeance? Yeah. You got to get four gallons in a five gallon jug.

With a three and a five, how do you do it? And I was like, I knew if I worked this into a blog, the 90s audience will get it. That's also what Bill Simmons was the best at. Yes, yes. He could hit a reference where you're like, I fucking love that. He's the godfather of that sort of shit. One of my biggest highlights was I got into a mailbag

when I was 22 in Tucson. No way. Dancing in Tucson. Yeah, I showed up at a radio station, and my friend Chris was like, yo, you're in Simmons' mailbag. And I was like what the fuck are you crazy yeah it was awesome and i like those sort of references man i they almost kind of get made fun of now it's like hacky but like you know when they first started hitting dude oh the best it was so it was like you know i was

writing a blog about like something in life and it was like it was like trying to get four gallons in a five gallon jug and you know it was like bam that was like such a cheat code where you could mail in the rest of the blog yeah as long as you had one good line like you are good to go dude i remember when i first started doing comedy and i was like going on the road i opened for this guy and he had like a blog right and i opened for him and i did like really well but we he wasn't like cool to me he was like kind of weird or whatever and i found his blog and he was like young comics now it was like his take on the world so it was like you know public thoughts but i found it and he was like all these young comics all they do is make references and then i was like this motherfucker's talking about me i hated him the rest of my life don't know if he

was talking about me it was just because i was like my life. Don't know if he was talking about me. It was just because I was like, I make a lot of references. Fuck you. References are funny, dude. It's like, this is the end. You got the sickest references. Everybody loves your references. The worst is when you get hit with one of those now. If someone hits you with that gif, you're like, fuck. That was a stupid one. I was hanging out with

Joe List at Skankfest and he was like, he knows movies too well, and he knows Seinfeld too well, so he'll hit you with a quote, and I'll be like, right? We're like eating eggs, and he's like, more like tomorrow's story. I'm like, yeah. He's like, go back to it.

I don't know what that's from. He's like, come on, Chinatown. I don't know that reference. And now I feel like an asshole and i'm ruining your fun just with it and keep it moving there's been times on the bonfire where jay will make a reference and i'll be like right and he'll be like you don't know the genuine reaction yeah i mean i just pulled up a blog for uh from about chupacabra 2.0 marauding the streets of argentina and in it i was like you know uh the um got aing the streets of Argentina. And in it, I was like, you know.

You got a fresh fucking reference? No, it was the diehard thing. Well, this is one of them. I mean, I did it a million times before. It was the cheat code. Yeah, I was like, what am I talking about here? I guess I was saying. Because blogging, you're like, that is a journal entry.

Yeah, it's very much so. It's your journaling. Yeah, but I was basically saying there's two things that are always right. It actually came around. It was less, now it's more. This is Kevin's live, laugh, love that we're reading. I'm going to get out there, and I'm going to have gelato, and I'm going to fuck a man from Italy,

and I'm going to live my life. Kind of reminds me of when they're putting three jugs in a fork and a cork jug. It's still fuckier. It doesn't work. I actually tried to write a serious blog the other day, and I couldn't do it. I mean, I still can do it, but I was like – there was a time where I think the audience, our audience,

wanted to hear that stuff from us and knew who we were and shit. And I think we've gotten, like, too far out where I think it's, like, it's almost like I would let my, like, close friends read my diary, but I'm not letting these new fucking audience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one word for you. Patreon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do some serious. Do you go, like, you want to see me get serious?

Pay to watch me dance naked. Yeah, it's like a private dance all right here you go i really think the world's going in a bad place yeah we would have like serious blogs back in the day definitely i pour my fucking soul into it and like and the feedback was always like fans that i thought you know like knew me so they were like this is really good or like yeah i feel for you or whatever now it's like oh me. So they were like, this is really good. Or like, yeah, I feel for you or whatever. Now it's like, oh, that dickhead from Instagram. Like, I don't give a fuck about you and your kids. I feel like that's going to be, that's going to happen to comics with comics that are like right now

or a little bit before this being like, I'm too fucking dangerous, dude. I'm fucking crazy. It's like, you're a clown, motherfucker. There ain't nothing crazy about you. There's cirque du soleil clowns that do crazier shit than what you do he's like i said it i fucking said yeah biden sucks dude i'm loco and you're like no you're not you're you're fucking you're just doing current shit it's crazy it's crazy i did like those comics too, like love that too. It's like, I am the fucking, I'm the edgy guy. What's wrong,

lame stream? I can't handle my fucking thoughts, dude. And you're like, everyone can handle your thoughts. You know what I mean? Everyone's grandfather

is sitting at the table. Yeah, we got it. Yeah, I love that. Is there, I mean, I feel like their comics have started to take themselves quite seriously.

Dude, it's wild. And then, but is it swinging back at all? I'm enjoying it because I don't give a fuck. It's fun for me. Watching friends of mine be like, I got to stand up. You're like, dude, you're not a civil rights marcher in Selma. You're a guy working a funny bone,

sold out five shows. You're doing all right. I'd probably say my one friend that has the legitimate right to do that doesn't do it, and that's Shane. Shane actually got fired. If you get fired from something, you're probably mad about it. But Shane was like, I'll just be funnier than them.

Right. He makes a point to almost never talk about it. Yeah, that's cool. I think one time he quote tweeted Patton Oswalt, I think when Oswalt did that ridiculous apology for taking a picture with Dave Chappelle. And I think Shane just had like a quick quote tweet with like an emoji. Like just, he didn't even say anything, but just kind of like a ha ha, like you dickhead. And that was the only time he like ever met,

like even referenced anything. And I think he was like, that felt good. Like I had to get one off because I guess he was one of the guys who railed against him so hard. I just remember that because I grew up loving Patton Oswalt and Chappelle's my favorite comedian of all time.

And if you're just like buddies with somebody for like 30 years and then they apologize for taking a picture with you. That was one of the most. You got to be like kind of hurt. Yeah, 100%. Like, oh, come on, man. We're friends. What the hell, Patton? All I did was take a picture with you, man.

And he's like, I'm sorry I was photographed with him. That's one of the more offensive things you can say about someone when you think about it. You know what I mean? Like, I'm sorry for just being next to you. Or apologize for being on a podcast. Someone does a pretty good rip of you. I'll tell you what. The skanks and bonfire have been fucking.

You guys, this has rocked the world. I love it dude Skank fans, I try to explain to people when they go to Skank Skank Fest because they're like is it going to be crazy, they're the best comedy fans in the world these people are like fucking so into comedy that you're going to go up there and you're going to be like

because you look at them and you're like this show is going to be tough someone's going to yell out words at me and you go up there and they like listen and they like love new bits and they're like ah because they fucking love comedy so it's funny when you see like people that don't do skank fest be like yeah what am i gonna go to that alt-right festival and you're like that's not it at all godfrey was like we were in the hotel he's like this place these shows are fucking unbelievable you're like yeah they love this shit it has a very uh barstool vibe to it where it's like the people are actually really cool,

really nice. Just super into it with the product. There's some reputation that they've got. And it's like, but if you were to come here, you would realize it's like the total opposite. Yeah. That's what it was. It was like I had fun. It was exhausting because it was so fun because you're like, I want to fucking go over here

and do this. I'm going to go watch this. I got to watch Jay's tape is special. Got to watch a bunch of other shit that I never get to see like comics. Cause we're all in the same place. We're always on the road. So you never get to see each other. So then when you're at a festival like that,

you're like, I'm gonna go watch this guy do a set. Like Nate was the special guest on Thursday and I haven't seen any of his new shit. So I was like, Oh fuck. This is like fun. You get to, you're just like a fan,

like an audience member. Yeah. You're like this fucking rules. Yeah. So it's actually really cool. But yeah. Then like the people that aren't there are like, huh? It probably see Kyle's and talked about how great Trump was the whole time.

You're like, none of that. It was all just silly boys being silly. It's like a bunch of karaoke by the end of it. You guys are just fucking singing songs. That's exactly what it is. It was fun as fuck. You know what's a pretty important part of a man's body? Testosterone is an important part of a man's body and health.

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And that's GetRoman.com slash KFC for 20% off your Roman tea support. And now Roman tea support is available nationwide at retail. Find Roman tea support in the supplements aisle at your local Walmart Walgreens CVS and Rite Aid yeah but Vegas is too much I was gonna say that needs not drinking in Vegas hard fuck that yeah fuck that yeah there's certain I'll go do man you can't get high cuz then you're scared hey I want to do is not be around a bunch of people yeah but I did find my pocket, which was smoking a joint,

going to the sports book on Saturday morning and betting like parlays. Just there's something about, I had a coffee. It was awesome. I was like, this is where I love Vegas. Cause I know betting on apps is like, that's the thing right now.

But to walk up and be like, Hey, I got 24 on a parlay. Just giving teams with number names. He is like, that's the thing right now, but to walk up and be like, Hey, uh, I got 24 on a parlay, just giving teams with number names. He's like, all right, so you got a Tennessee over Alabama.

You got it. And you're like, fuck it. Give me my ticket. You have a ticket. Yeah. I love that shit. You fucking dumb kids.

So that was like, that was honestly like the most relaxed and fun I had was putting in and then Chris O'Connor was showing up and like Shane you know it was like

everyone was near the sports book being like did you put this bed in it was fun I can see those guys in particular how many comics

watch sports I feel like that's a lower number it's all MMA that's it all the comics love MMA I would disagree

I would say 60% of comics watch the four main sports. You know, I guess. Joe List and I talk about sports constantly. Well, Joe List, I mean, he's like a baseball savant, right? Yeah, he's a guy. He loves people to death.

He's Boston through and through. But yeah, I mean, like, I would say most of the conversations I have at the Cellar or whatever are about NFL, NBA. Because, like, people, comics know I love the Niners. So if I come in, like, Keith will be like, oh, your Niners stink. Or someone will be like, fuck that. I had your Niners in a parlay and they fucked me. I guess I can think about it because you guys don't use Twitter the way we use it.

No, I enjoy- We live tweet in the game. Yeah, but I enjoy that. I enjoy watching you guys tweet about sports. Watching you with the Mets meltdown. I was invested because Giants were out after the All-Star break. They just fell. And I was like, well, fuck it.

I live in New York. Go Mets. I wanted Mets, Phillies, and then in the AL it was Mariners and Guardians were who I was cheering on. You pick your teams in the playoffs. And it's fun watching you guys tweet about it. I love watching Will Compton tweet about Nebraska. And I grew up a CU fan. So they lose, and I'm like, I kind of like this shit.

But I think he's hilarious, so I'm like, it was fun to watch him kind of go through a thing. It's different. You have, like, it's weird, man, because, like, you know, comedy's comedy, and it's like you can go watch stand-up. But with sports, you almost, like, have these people where you're like, I want to watch it through this guy. You know, like, you're pumped about the Bruins.

Now I don't have a hockey team. And Katie, you know, is from Framingamingham and they're all Bees fans. So I'm like, all right, I'm a Bruins fan. That's my guy. Let's talk. And her brother played hockey. Katie knows the Bruins really well. So I'm like, I'm the girlfriend in this case. Are we winning? One time I walked into Playwrights. It was years ago. It was when the Bruins and the Blackhawks were in the Stanley Cup. And Bobby Kelly just had his son. And Sam Murill and Joe Mackey were having a birthday party at Playwrights

right by Caroline's. And so I go in and Sam's there and he's like, yeah, Bill Burr is here in the back watching the Stanley Cup because Burr lived near there. And he was like in town. He had an apartment in New York. He was like in town. And he's just the most Boston thing ever,

just sitting at the corner of the bar, having a whiskey, watching the Bruins and the Blackhawks. I know nothing about hockey. I know very, outside of playing NHL video games. Yeah, NHL 94, that's it. That's a good amount.

But I don't know what a four check is. I don't know what any of that shit is. And so I literally, that was the most, it was obvious I didn't have a dad sitting down next to my one of my comedic heroes one of my heroes bill burr and he'd be like ah that fucking sucked and i'm like yeah blackhawks are mean and he's like how many points did we score bill what are you talking about what is that you know like yeah like, yeah. I felt useless. I had to get up and like,

I walked out of that bar being like, you fucking idiot. He's a tough, like, I mean, he knows his shit. Knows his shit. And like, I'll, I do this all the time with like family,

like Thanksgiving, we're watching football and they say something that's just like, extended family I'm talking about. Yeah. They say something that's just like blatantly wrong.

Yeah. Not the correct, you know, and I just kind of like let it slide. Yeah say something that's just blatantly wrong, not the correct, and I just kind of let it slide. Just like, whatever, man. You sit down, you're watching a playoff game with Bill Burr talking Bruins hockey. There's none of that. There's no just like, yeah, whatever.

We're just here. I didn't throw anything out. I would just be like, ah, ah. I mean, I could follow hockey. I don't really know it, but I could follow it, and I'd be like, oh, wow, what is he doing? Are you crazy? We have to talk to him.

Fuck. What's crazy is because there's levels to that. Because now, with McDaniel at the Dolphins, he's like an offensive genius. But I've known him since I was 12, so I can't throw out a friend opinion to him. I can't be like, yeah, that pass sucked. And he's like, do you even know what you're talking about? He's like, the position was lined up wrong. And I'm like, yeah.

So we had Taylor LeJuan in here, and he was kind of talking about that with football in particular, how when people opine on a sport, he's like, unless you were in the huddle, you do not have the right opinion about what happened. Yeah, dude. So even a commentator or a friend acting like he knows what's happening, he's like, unless you were in the huddle. I think the example Taylor gave was like, we have two calls that are the exact same formation, exact same play, except one I'm supposed to pull, one I'm supposed to pass block, whatever.

He's like, unless you heard the call, you can't say I did the wrong thing. So shut the fuck up. That's exactly like McDaniel. I remember when he was with the Niners, he was telling me how Jimmy G audibles. He was like breaking it down for me. He goes, it goes to the line, they audible, and then they choose. Then he's got the choice of four runs or four passes, and he has to make that, like, that quick.

And then I'm at home being like, that was stupid. He's like, you don't fucking know what he was calling. So it's crazy. It's crazy to see, like, certain stuff. Like, he would tell me what he was going to do with, like, season where he'd be like you know i can free him up use a jet sweep or i can put him in like get him a quick screen and you're just like damn dude dude the 19 the 2019 uh super bowl run when the niners lost to the chiefs i would i was like dude i spent all my sky miles and i flew out to san francisco every fucking weekend to go to every playoff i mean it was only the divisional and then the nfc championship game but that's fucking sick sitting

at his house the night before the game and him being like yeah the vikings four technique is fucking weak i forgot how he said he goes so i'm just gonna bang on him on the inside and watching him do it and then green bay he was like they got good edge rushers i'm gonna make him stop mostert on the outside and then watching raheem Mostert go for like 236 or whatever. And you're like, dude, you called it. My friend's a genius. Think about that. When you make a prediction right as a sports fan, you're like over the fucking moon about it.

That's what coaching is. You're just making calls. I called it, dude. I made this happen. Dude, I forget. It was like, I think the 2017 or it was the 2018 season when Jimmy G blew his knee out against the Chiefs. I remember the opening week was against the Lions,

and I was working the Sacramento punchline. And my friend Chad that grew up with me and McDaniel flew out to Sacramento Saturday. We like came to the shows, and then we were driving to Santa Clara in the morning. And we get this call from McDaniel. And he's like, you guys driving down? And I'm like, yeah.

And he's like, you excited for the game? I'm like, yeah, we got our tickets. We're going to meet up with his wife or whatever. He goes, you guys want to know when I'm going to run the first play? Fuck yes. And he goes, depending on how the Lions line up, we might do a 36 jumbo gash right to Matt Breida up the right side. So Chad and I are sitting in our seats at the stadium,

and it's the first play, and Chad just goes, eh, I probably think it's a right gash to Breida, and fucking hits it for like 60. And everyone's like, the guy in the next one's like, how the fuck do you know that? Chad's like, man, we just held on to it. It was great. It was like, oh shit, that's cool dude it's like

insider trading yeah i was gonna say you probably could not utilize that every now and then so it's really funny as we went you know uh katie was still at espn when the super bowl so she got me a super bowl ticket because even friends and family i was like i ain't paying that much to go down but i got a ticket through her and it was in the chief section but i was like oh well mcdaniel's here let's go to his hotel i want to say what's up to him and so we go to the hotel he's like first off your girlfriend's in the press i don't know if i feel comfortable with this but he showed us like he was like this is this this is the script this is what we're running and it made it was like reading it was like reading

chinese like i don't know what dumbo right Prince 82 is. And he kind of explained it. I'm like, in my mind, as a sports fan, I'm like, this is the craziest moment of my life. I'm in the hotel room of my middle school best friend, and he's telling me what they're going to run in the Super Bowl. Like before. It was fucking unbelievable. It was the coolest moment.

And now he's in Miami, and the time in San Francisco is done. I'm still a Niners fan, obviously. But now it's like, you know, all right, I want to see him do well in Miami. You were down at the game the other day. I went to the Jets game, which, you know, third-string quarterback and a third-string tackle. So we'll see what happens when we run it back in Miami. But it was crazy for him to walk over because he got us down on the field. And for him to walk over and people go nuts. Because when he's a coordinator or a position coach no one gives a fuck but he's

the head coach and then i'm mad because i'm watching two coordinators from the niners battle where i was like the niners still had sala and fucking mike dude be the kings of the nfc sala has been like he's great dude i mean he great. And LeFleur running the offense. The first three games of the season were like same old Jets, and a lot of people were like, this is like another one who came in and talked a bunch of shit and never... And then the last three weeks has been like exactly what we all thought

could happen. Good defense. And Zach Wilson showing up. And just like the culture and all that shit. I know it's corny. No, they're very big about that. It's real, though. You need to have a culture.

And the Jets needed to turn it all the way around, and he's doing it. When Shanahan took over in San Francisco, I specifically remember talking to Mike and being like, what's going on? Because they started something like 0-6. And then it was like, we've got to shift the culture. They've got to believe in this. And then Jimmy G took over after Beath bether got injured and you saw it shift and they're like oh they believe

in jimmy g right they believe and then he won it's really i think he ripped five straight it's some leader of men shit man it's like it's you need to it's awesome though it's awesome being coaching age like i play madden and i want to make myself a player and i'm like i'll go be a gm i can't even realistically make myself an old quarterback like a chris wanky i can't be like i'm gonna wanky it instead of like fucking bm coordinator i'm an executive of top gm i'm gonna make a good trade yeah that is funny shit. What's the latest Billions? Season 7's starting up. 7, man.

Starting to film. I think this is gonna be it. Is this it? I think this might be it. There's rumblings. Going past 7 is crazy talent. I'm gonna tell you right now, we haven't started filming yet.

We start filming, I think, in a week or two. I've read the first two scripts. This shit's, they're blowing it out. They're like, you fucking just wait. This shit's, they're blowing it out. Yeah. They're like, they're leaving it all in the fields. You fucking just wait. I popped in my hotel room reading it. I was like,

I got to there. I was like, let's fucking go. I was reading it. I was like, suck my butt. I'm barely in it. I'm like,

I'm out of here. What a good run for you though, huh? Dude, great. It was great. Wasn't it, it was kind of like you just like fell ass backwards.

No, I'm buddies with Brian Koppelman and David McKeon. Right, right, right. But wasn't it like somebody, a character died off or something? Well, a guy, here's the thing about Hollywood, they don't tell you, sometimes better actors go get more work.

Right. And then there's a hole to fill. And you just. And this guy, I was supposed to just be one of the background office guys, and then this guy had a couple good scenes, and then they're like. Right.

He, this guy's like, you know, I won won't name i don't want to like either way good or bad name he's an incredible actor went on and got a bunch of stuff and they're like hey he can kind of be around but he's not really going to be around just give it a soda give it soda all right seven fucking seasons later yeah i was like learning how to act i was like this is fucking cool yeah this is fucking awesome because i never really took it like, I'm an actor now. It was like, yeah, this shit's fucking, I'll probably never get to do this again. So I'll be on a big show. Do you audition for other shit or you just do that? Sometimes.

Not now. I mean, sometimes now. It really depends. It depends on some stuff you want to audition for. Sometimes you'll see a role and you'll be like, that's what's up. I've only reached out to my agents for stuff when it's involving south park yeah south park did a run where they had macho man and i was like yo tell them yeah oh i'm the guy how like tell trey and matt i'm the fucking guy for that or winnie the pooh i was like i'll do winnie the Pooh. Give me Winnie. Oh, well, of course. You know, it's hard being a big old bear.

Oh, silly old bear. Yeah, we do dark poo on the bonfire. Yeah, that's right. I've done alt-right Winnie the Pooh. I'm just saying that there's a cabal of pedophiles. The globalists want to take away our rights. Yeah, but that's the only stuff where I've been like, yo, I want to take away our rights yeah uh but they're that's the only stuff where i've been like yo i want to do that you gotta like somebody eventually i'm always hoping that

there's eventually like all of the executives and producers and people with money and all that shit who kind of are old enough now that they're in a position to make these decisions and grew up on like shit like this. Yeah. Like if there's not some Disney exec or somebody doing a cartoon is like, let's go get Dan Soder. Do all these fucking boys. I'm going to tell you right now.

It's insane. We're going through some bullshit right now. And hopefully me saying it publicly will kind of push it through or I'll just completely fuck the deal. But at this point, I don't give a fuck cameras right now. During the pandemic, Dan St.

Jermaine and I wrote a show with Stone Cold Steve Austin that was a cartoon, and we sold it to Peacock. But now WWE and Peacock are bullshit, and it's been 17 months on the sidelines. And I keep calling these motherfuckers being like, this is going to be fucking funny. And Stone Cold is like way on board. Really? We developed the show with him, not with the WWE. With Stone Cold.

I used to get Stone Cold calling me. Bro. Dude, Stone Cold's in my phone and he would call me. How did it wait this long for you to say that? The first time he called me, Katie was laughing. She was like, damn, dude, I've never seen you this nervous. You were like, yeah. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. Because Stone Cold said so. That's the bottom line. Because you said so. He's the fucking man, dude. He's exactly. Wait, how did that, how'd you link up with him? We had the same agency and my agent left and my new agent came in and was like, what did

you do? And I had this FX thing that didn't work out like right before the pandemic. And I was like, well, that's, it was like a, an was like well that's it was like a an actual like show and i was like fuck that i don't i want to write something i want to in a yeah that i love and i was on brian six and shaner's podcast called you fucked it shout out philly boys and uh i did this rant about stone cold and i was like oh should that be really funny an idea and then saint germain and i write together and it was like yo we should write the show we wrote it and my agent was like you know stone cold's at this agency we can set up a skype this was everything with skype yeah or whatever it is your zoom meeting i love that i still say skype

yeah and we had a zoom meeting was i had a zoom meeting with stone cold and pitched it and then i sent him everything and he was like hell yeah man let's do it and he would call me to like talk about stuff and it was like like the the plot or whatever yeah like what he thought what he what he thought would do this about stone cold i don't want to give it away too much because that's what we're dealing with wwe right now is we're kind of being like don't take our fucking show and do it yourself right because you're gonna make it fucking corny right it's dark and weird that's why stone cold liked it he's like y'all are funny as hell, man.

And he's the fucking man. He would just call and be like, I was shooting sniper rifles. So what's going on? He called me after I got, when I went back on the road, I got vaccinated. Because, you know, you had to go to the clubs or whatever. And I got vaccinated and I took a nap because it, like, fucked me up. And I woke up and there's a missed call from Stone Cold. It just says, missed call Steve Austin.

You're like, what the fuck? And I called him, and I'm like, hey, Steve, sorry. I got the vaccine, and I fell asleep. What a pussy. He goes, which one did you get? Moderna or Pfizer? I went, I got Pfizer. He went, hell yeah.

He was like, no, that's awesome. He's like, dude, it's fucking awesome. It was fucking rad. And we've had this show, and it's a great idea, and he loves it. And the WWE was like kind of like well we want to be creatively involved

and we're like nah we want to write this show and Peacock bought it because they like this show and it's just been in gridlock and so you see this bullshit of the business

of like yo this is good for both companies right just fucking do it it's not like I'm the face it's Steve

like it'll be Steve's show but Dan and I will be writing it I'm still fighting to call him Steve yeah oh'll be Steve's show, but Dan and I will be writing it. I'm so funny to call him Steve. Oh, I don't know him like that. I'll call him Mr. Austin. No, yeah. Mr. Cold.

Mr. Cold, I'm sorry. But it's like, you know, it's ideas like we're old enough now where you get these ideas and you're like, yo, I want to make this. I mean, who do we hear about? Gary Goldman just sold an idea for like 250k and then like it never it never gets me i wish i'd pay a staff for this they're paying a penny on a dollar peacock's like we'll send you a stone cold vest and i'm like okay good to do business taking the picture great to do business with you sir yeah dude it's uh that's you know it's like one of those things

where i was keeping it under wraps but now i've've told my manager and agent, I'm like, I'm going to be public with this because sometimes people move the – sometimes you move the dial. Sometimes you move the pin or whatever it's fucking called. I forget what that phrase is. What are you trying to say here? Move the needle. Move the needle? Okay.

Sometimes people are moving the goalposts. Are we moving the needle? Sometimes fans move the needle. Definitely. Like if people make this fucking – so wait, what do we got to do? Have everybody tag Peacock? I mean, WWE is the one where you're like like make this fucking, so wait, what do we have to do? Have everybody tag Peacock? I mean, WWE is the one where you're like, make this fucking show.

It's a cartoon. That's why he like wants to make it because he's like, oh dude, I'll come to New York for a week. All I want to do, I swear to God, even if we just get to a pilot, the thought of me being behind a soundboard

with Stone Cold in a booth being like, actually Stone Cold, it's suck my nuts. he goes all right i got it suck my nuts and you're like all right we got that that's good moving forward go to line 46 yeah that's all i want because i'm at this stage now where like um i think everyone's fame has never been more accessible yeah i think fame back in the day with all the gatekeepers and shit, it took a person to do like a lot of stuff. And I think now you can just literally be like, I'm going to go be famous for being famous.

Yeah. And it's a very attainable thing. And I've realized like, I think the sweet spot is making the shit you want to make that you like. If you make shit that you like, you know what I mean? Then everything else is like. Fame is like.

You get very lucky. Like I'm very lucky to do stand up full time. You know what I mean? Then everything else is like. Fames, they're like. You get very lucky. Like, I'm very lucky to do stand-up full-time. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I love it. And I'm just like, oh, fuck, this is cool. If I can make a show with Stone Cold Steve Austin. It's bucket list shit.

It's bucket list shit. That's exactly it. It's bucket list shit that I didn't even know was on my bucket list because I never even thought it was attainable. Possible. Yeah, and now it's like, oh, shit. And it's like weird, you know, you get calls from agents and they're like, so they want you to host a game show on Nick at Night

where you get your dick kicked in by sad, lonely moms. And you're like, I don't want to do that. And they're like, all right, it's a job. That's the business. And you're like, I don't want to do that. Like, fuck that. I want to make shit that I would want to watch. And so, yeah.

So everybody tweet at Peacock TV or whatever their handle is at Peacock and at WWE and say we want Dan Soder's Stone Cold cartoon put it to air figure it the fuck out

I'm gonna get a call that's like it's off we're taking that out it's off son of a bitch they're doing it with The Rock and it's not as good

yeah it's it's like you know it's just something where I was like damn dude I really wanna make this shit and not even that wouldn't even put me over it wouldn't help my stand up it wouldn't do it would just be a thing fun to do fuck yeah it'd just be like a thing where you're like i could pour myself into this thing that's fucking sick i love it bro you're listening to

kfc radio you're listening to soda on kfc radio you probably need that at home i don't know i don't know what part of the podcast this is going to be dropped in. I feel like it's right around the part where we talk about pooping for 20 minutes. Those are three people, mentally ill people. Those are three people who need better help. It can be tough to train your body to stay in problem-solving mode when faced with a challenge in life. It can be impossible.

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It has changed my life exponentially and obviously for the better, sometimes for the worst. Sometimes for the worst. When I'm in there sometimes crying, I'm like, I'm a little idiot. But when I get out, I feel much better. That's what happens at the doctor's office. You get a little pinch and it hurts. You feel better when you leave. If you're thinking of giving therapy a try, BetterHelp is a great option. It's convenient, accessible, affordable, and entirely online. Get matched with a therapist after filling out a brief survey, and you can switch therapists at any time. It's just you can

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Are we promoting anything here specifically? DanSoder.com on the road. Okay. I'll be, I got fucking North Carolina this week and then Nashville, fucking Bell House in Brooklyn, December 10th. Philly, December 15th through the 17th, DanSoder.com. I mean, I've said it a million times before, and if you're listening to this and watching this, you probably already know who Dan is.

If you don't know Dan and this is your first introduction to him, he's the funniest person alive. You are, like, the funniest person alive. And so if it's your first time, go get tickets. Go listen to the podcast, Bonfire. All of it is. Yeah, and I mean, you know, I always love coming to hang out with you guys. That's why I was like, fuck you. I got to go do KFC kfc then i gotta bring up the apology yeah i wouldn't be right if

i came on here well no we gotta i gotta get jay on we were just so when we we were all in by the way jay just taped a fucking incredible special i don't know when it's gonna be out i don't know what it's gonna be on but i got to watch both shows, and that motherfucker is top. He's just top. We were just talking to Hasan Minhaj about storytelling comics. Yeah. I mean, he is the fucking...

Yeah, like Big J's the fucking guy. Yeah. And I think that's what's, like, fun is, you know, I think stand-up's the thing you can always keep improving on, and when you have friends like Jay and Shane and fucking Nate, you're just like, oh, and Michelle Wolfe, you're like, Michelle wolf you're like, I gotta get iron sharpens iron. Oh, yeah

It's like I gotta get tired of these new stuff. Love it. Dude. I love it. I saw my fucking the beacon I think like oh my god. Yeah, fuck. I didn't even realize it was a second show. He's like, yeah All right. I already sold this place out once tonight. I was like, please he's doing arenas. Yeah Yeah, he just announced a bridge to national pre-sale goes on sale. He's doing arenas. Yeah. Is he doing arenas? Oh, that's right. He just announced that right in Nashville. Doing Bridgestone in Nashville. Presale goes on sale. He's going to have it. Play fucking plug-in Nate's arenas show. He is going to be the next.

He's just Seinfeld. He's like that big. It's fun because, man, I mean, dude, I used to open for Nate when we were doing like fucking banquet rooms at Holiday Inns in West Virginia. You know what I mean? Like I've done some bleak shows with Nate and that's what I love

about his wife, Laura, is they've just been together and she's like, from open mics in Chicago to arenas in Nashville. It's awesome. Ride or die type shit.

It's fucking awesome. Dude, arena, fuck, man. Bridgestone is so sick. Dude, we did serious shows there.

That's where the serious office is. Oh, really? And so I was telling Jay, I was like, dude, Nate's doing that fucking arena we did the serious shows out of. He the serious office is. Oh, really? And so I was telling Jay, I was like, dude, Nate's doing that fucking arena we did the serious shows out of.

He's like, Jesus. And it's every, every comic's the same where you go like, good for him. And then you walk away and you're like,

I fucking suck. I suck. You're never mad at them. You're just like, I fucking suck. He's unbelievable. Yeah, man. But I mean,

I've always said, you're right on that level, man. Yeah, thanks, man. You should be fucking on top of the world with that you know i think the hbo special i think the hbo special is great and then now 9-11 top shelf dead dad is one of my favorite jokes like the last of all time that was a special that i'm that's the only stand-up i've been proud of everything else i'm like dog shit Watch the HBO special. But you know what's nice is I'm like, you know,

good for everyone putting shit out, but I think I'm gonna disappear for a couple years and then, you know, I'll be out in like 2024, 2025.

Really? Yeah, I just wanted like, let people put shit out, I'm gonna go disappear. The once a year type shit, I don't even know, or even more than that.

I don't need to. I wouldn't mind waiting five years, six years, and then dropping an hour where everyone's like what the fuck yeah

you know that's a special also every special has become topical and it's like this is not gonna age every special this year

has been COVID and pandemic and it's like this sucks I don't wanna listen to this now I think everyone like everyone chases that hour but for me

it's like since I was 16 that Killing Them Softly Chappelle it's like it's the best hour of my mind. Yeah. I like I'm obsessed with it. And it was like, I just want to do specials that are like fucking awesome. But then you're in the age of social media where they're like, you need content. Why aren't you telling a drunk lady in the crowd to shut up?

I don't want to do that. I don't want. But that's also where I fall. Like, I'm bad at a lot of this shit. So that's why I'm trying to get better at it. You know what I mean? Like, I wasn't doing nothing. And my agent's like, why aren't you going back on podcast?

You're friends with this shit. And I was like, hey, I got to go fucking say what's up to KFC. I've been there forever. Yeah. No, you forget sometimes. Just locked into the same thing. Yeah. So, hell yeah.

Do you actually have a few more minutes? Yeah. Can we do. You want to do voicemails? Fuck yeah, dude. We'll play some videos. Hang on. This is a fucking throwback, dude. Can we do... You want to do voicemails? Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, let's do that. We'll play some videos. Hang on. This is a fucking throwback, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I smoke a bowl? Yeah, of course. We do it video style now so we can... Dude, I fucking love that. I was just thinking about that. I was like, dude, I remember being high as fuck listening to voicemails. Really?

Oh, yeah. Yeah? At the old office. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was saying that on son of a boy dad i said the old office i would come in high and i'd have to wait for you guys so i'd go sit with my back i'd just go sit with my back to everybody at the far away table like a fucking weirdo and everybody who's this fucking loser and i'd be like i. Hey, guys. Hey. So a couple weeks ago, I went to a concert.

We were sitting in the very last row of seats up in the nosebleeds. And we had a couple empty seats next to us. So me and my friend slid over just to give her room against the people that were sitting next to her. And it was really close to the start time. We were hoping nobody was gonna come up um and take the seats of course i see four guys walking at us um and i know immediately i'm like these are gonna be their seats these are like the only set of empty seats up here the guy leading them very hot super hot and i'm watching him come up the stairs which i think is what made this

worse um he comes up and he's like doing that thing where like he's pretending that he doesn't realize we're in his c3 he's like yeah i know yeah like oh where am i um so i just immediately stand up and i go um are we in your seats? Or actually, I think I said, are these your seats? And he goes, he's very nice. Again, super hot, very polite, says like in kind of a joking way, like, are those maybe your seats like over there? And normally I can play with the banter. I panicked because he was so good looking and I was like, yeah, no, we're a hundred percent in your seats. And we just moved over and I turned my back to him because I was like, I can't talk to this man. Um, and I'm sitting there and I'm like, no, you know what? I'm gonna be brave. I'll put on a brave face, my big girl pants. I'm gonna open

my body up to conversation. I turn and I glance over at him and I immediately see that he has a Styrofoam Big Gulp cup in his hands. And he just became the ugliest person in that entire world. What? I'm so sorry. I don't know why. He was so hot to begin with and then

I saw the cup and I was like I can't do it. My question is I know that do it. My question is, I know that's unreasonable. My question is, what is the most unreasonable thing that's ever turned you off from a person? And if you guys don't want to answer it and you think it's better that a girl answers it, that's fine. Pass it to Jackie. No, yeah. So this is the Seinfeld, the most unreasonable, stupidest thing that does make you go like,

all right, fuck. Everything else is gone. I remember I had zero money in college. I took a girl out to Olive Garden. Very nice. And she said that I was too polite to the staff. What? She goes, you say thank you too much.

No, that's crazy. That's one of the rules. How do you treat waitstaff? In that moment, I was like, ew. Yeah, you could have been a 10. You just watched me just eat with my eyes down. Dude, that is insane. The new season of Curb is,

I know because I just watched the entire season of the flight here um is uh kaylee cuoco is a guest starring she's like dating vince vaughn or whatever and she's an eye doctor and during larry's appointment she's eating pirate booty yeah she drops a piece on the floor on her way out the door and looks at it and acknowledges it and just steps over and keeps walking and he's like the entitlement that that takes to think that someone else will get it. And Vince Vaughn's like no I completely agree what do you think I should do?

And he's like can you break up with her? He breaks up with her over it and I would think something like that it's basically the opposite of what you're saying. But like you're just rude to help him get it. Not a big deal. It's crazy. That is one of the I think I would have short circuited

you said I'm being too think I would have, like, short circuited, like, you said I'm being too polite? I just remember being like, oh, yeah, am I? And then being like, this fucking asshole. You don't get to use your limited breadsticks. You have a limit on breadsticks now, you stupid asshole. Should have kept your mouth shut.

That's crazy, though, like, Styrofoam, I would immediately be like, this guy's drinking lean? That's what I thought too This is But you said a big This is Lil Wayne He's like I think you're in my seats

I think you're in Little Weezer's seats Little Weezer Trying to see this Justin Bieber concert Excuse me She's like You're so hot

That's cause I'm from A different planet Weezer's also Weezer used to be Like the hot guy. He's also starting to get the Steve Wonder dreads. He's got the Jerry Rice dog. Yeah,

the Jerry Rice is mad. I'm excited though. I'm ready for a mature Wheezy. Old rappers is one of the funniest things in the world. We're getting a very, it's very, first of all, like,

you know, a bunch of the stars obviously don't live long. So then you get like the first couple of guys who do, you get, you know, Jay-Z, Dr. Dre, Puffy, these guys who are now billionaires,

but they're going to be grandpas soon. Like old little Wayne. Going to be great. Well, God willing. Baby, baby, baby aspirin. I need that baby aspirin. I take it before I go to bed so I don't have a heart attack. Just old man shit.

My bear. He was doing a live, Instagram live with Nelly. Oh, I saw that. That was so funny. He asked me, why are you all sparkly? Yeah, he had a fucking filter on. And he was like, you're all sparkly. They made me look old.

So that is old man. I don't know, man, but I look good. They knew, bro. And then, you know, like when the the hearts I guess that was Periscope But I think there's like Activity No there's Instagram live Yeah yeah

They have like And he was like Wow their hearts Like all over the screen And he's like Is it okay if I smoke here I love the dude It made him look like

A perfect gentleman The I actually I was going to tell this After your other story You kind of gave me Another good segue I like always call my mom

Either on the walk home Or walk to work, like either one. And the other day she was like, I just want to, because you know, I'll stop in a double bodega

or whatever, grab something quick. She's like, I just want to tell you, you're very polite to like cashiers and stuff like that. And I was like,

yeah, I know, like who would be a dickhead? But like it kind of gave me a tinge of like, she's like proud of the man she raised. And I was like, hell yeah,

you're welcome. Or thank you. You are, though. You are. You always say goodbye to the doormen, the security guards and everything. You always go above and beyond. I mean, you just say hi to people. I don't do that, though.

If you walk into a building. Oh, dude, you're the wrong guy. Don't ask me this. Nothing annoys Katie more than the way that I go out of my way to be like, are you okay? Doorman, are you okay? And they're like, who is this fucking guy? Oh, buddy, I want to be liked so bad.

You think I'm running for Senate my whole life. Small talk. How are you? There he is. I was just talking about this on Son of a Boy Dad. I was like, yes, sir. Like Uber drivers. Are you comfortable?

What do you want the AC on? Oh, dude, you guys might be perfect for each other. He's like, what music do you want? I'm like, dude, what do you want the AC on? Oh, dude, you guys might be perfect for each other. He said, what music do you want? I'm like, dude, what do you want to listen to? I just said this, but it's the best thing. I feel so bad popping in my earbuds that if they're on a phone call, I'd be like, hey, make that phone call.

I want to listen to music. You're good. You used your car, man. We have a happy Uber ride. I'm like, you pick the tunes, dude. I literally once said, like recently said, I was like, no, dude, it's your car. Put it wherever the fuck you want.

You're literally paying for it to be your car in that moment. No, no, no. Okay, cool. But, dude, yesterday I was driving home. I was actually in my cab, which, by the way, it was just a yellow cab from Newark. Yeah. And he had two ping pong paddles in the cab, which is crazy to me. Like, not in the same place.

One was under his seat. One was in, like, the pouch behind him. He was absolutely trying to get you to play. He goes, I don't know if you have some time to maybe... He pulls the table out of the back. But he had... He was from, I don't know, some African country, I could tell by his accent and what he looked like.

And he was just banging out. Banging out, I mean, to country music. Like, singing along... Didn't see that coming. Singing along to fucking Kenny Chesney. Singing along to fucking, I can't remember, Chris Stapleton played it once. But that makes sense. There's gotta be people that moved to the United States that have never

heard country and they're like, whoa. I wanted to ask. That boy's spitting, man. What is this? Who are you listening to? Your name. Go round. Put down boots. Who are you listening to? Why, man? It's smooth. Go round. Put down boots.

Scoot. Boogie. He's like, I fucking love this guy. Yeah, dude. Country's got to be wild for people out of the country. I wanted to ask him, like, how did you get into this? But I didn't want to, like, fuck it. I don't know.

That was like I was tired at that point. But I wanted to, like, what got you into, like, American Western country music? Dude, that's fun. And to go deep on it? Right dude he was like playing he was playing like hi williams king of outlaw country damn dude you really know your shit dude the styrofoam cup girl though um i mean i think my thing would be um telling uh crazy excessive details to a story that don't fucking matter at all, by the way. Could have just been like, I saw a guy at a concert I thought was hot and he had a styrofoam cup.

We got a whole fucking tale. That was a big tale. Moving the seats. None of this matters. But I get that move is like for people that are like, I think like you watch so much Instagram now and shit that people talk. Yeah.

They talk their way through it. It's like this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People listen to be comforted, so they just talk more. You stretch it all out. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah.

I also think it was the Slytherin Cup because she said Big Gulp. I think she just misspoke. I think she was like- It sounds like it was the Souvenir Cup, which, baller alert. Yeah. It was a big straw. That's all. It was like 15 bucks to have it.

You got a New York Rangers playoff cup at a concert? Bro, I remember being a kid with my dad. Like, it ruins playoffs. Come on, dad, please. I love cups like that, man. Can I get the souvenir cup? Bro, I ordered. The OG was the ice cream in the helmet at baseball games.

Yeah, oh, big time. I ordered the Batman McDonald's glasses. Do you remember those? I ordered those off the internet. I got them last year. They're like my favorite glasses that I use all the time now. They are one of the most well-crafted fucking-

It's insane you bring that up because we just talked about McDonald's Happy Meals and their cups they used to get or whatever. Yeah, they're bringing them back. Before we were talking about that, before they announced that, and Jay brought up the Garfield cups. Someone bought him a set,

and then I brought up the Welch's dinosaurs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Welch's jelly, you'd have like the dinosaur cups, it'd be like four different times. And Christine got them for me. So now we got juice cups that are like the old school Welch's dinosaurs.

Yes, love it. Into the nostalgia. I'm a cup guy. I think I've learned about myself. The only thing, I guess I like sneakers, but I kind of moved on from that.

Glasses and cups, I think, are my thing. Yeah? You're a dad, dude. You're a full-on dad. Did you guys see the mobile football, like mobile gas stations

had football branded glasses? I've seen those online. I didn't get those when I was a kid. I actually, I went and bought the Giants ones, even When I was a kid I actually I went and bought The Giants ones Even though I'm a Jets fan

Because my grandmother Had the Giants ones And that's what I remember But I got a set of four And they came in In the box from eBay And I was like I got them all

And then I bought The McDonald's Dream Team cups Those I remember Both one and two Those I remember They're so old and plastic That they don't work There's holes

And they just Also that shit Could give you fucking cancer Yeah yeah yeah You have a cup of water Out of that 92 plastic No that's not good We didn't even have

Regulations on this shit I'm telling you The glass The Riddler The Batman I remember that All those I remember those

Are like frosted glass That I could like They're kind of small though Yes they are small So they're good for like Juice Yes But they are

What they were made for Cups and shit today Are. But they are. But they were made for it. Cups and shit today are. They don't make them like they used to. I'll just tell you that much. If there's any other like. I don't know these Welch's ones. I got to look that up. I think I'm going to make it a quest of mine to find all these fucking cups.

It was very specifically like late 80s, early 90s. You would buy like Welch's strawberry jam and the outside would be like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Oh, now I get what you're saying. And there were little cups so you could have death. Those were like the juice cups. Got it, got it. And someone came through with a whole set, and I was like, thank you, Christine. What up, guys?

Just wanted to start off saying I'm a huge fan of the show. Also, the guy that found the Moon Man Shoes and Bangles video. I'll leave my twitter handle so uh validate that one but like i said he's a fan of the show so i'm glad i can tell myself that uh played a part in bridging the gap between you guys and male porn stars um don't really have a question or anything today just kind of wanted to say that i think that the subtitle hoodies are probably the most slept on merch that was at Barstool. Do you watch TV with subtitles? No subtitles, but sometimes I can.

Calm young man. Calm young Padawan. I think it takes it out. Shut up. I'm on TV, so now I... No, not at all, but I'm saying like... No, it's the opposite. It makes it so much better.

I remember everything, and I know what's going on more. I remember names and places. Once you commit to it for like a week, or maybe it's like quitting drinking. Once you get two weeks into it, you're like, all right, now we're good. This is fine. I'm telling you, man. I'm telling you. It is.

It's way better. You know what's an underrated part of it? Is eating. When I'm eating and I'm crunching, I can't hear. I completely agree. I want to eat my chips and chew my sandwiches. You would think I would have been into that because I've been under the train in Queens

for fucking 15 years. Hell yeah. Never got into subtitles. Dude, have you given her a shot? I have. I don't mind it. It is. Can you get subtitles

so I'll do it when she's watching a show and I watch it? Unless it's comedy. I'll be like, oh, fuck, all right. So can you get subtitles so when you watch TV together,

subtitles are on? And you'll turn it off? Sometimes I'll ask to turn it off. Mortal enemy now. You're my mortal enemy. But I can get into it. We've been on this subtitle train for years now, and now Washington Post or

Wall Street Journal wrote an article like Gen X is into subtitles, and I was like, you motherfuckers! You're just doing my shit. Yeah, you hipstered them. So we have a whole line of shirts that say subtitles in the subtitles and, like, the brackets. Because also what's happening, and I don't know where I stand on this yet. It's jumping the shark a little bit.

It might be ruining it. Because, like, Stranger Things is the main one that they're talking about. They do it on purpose. So it says, like, squelching noise. Like, they're using very, like, on purpose evocative words to be like, you know, we know you're listening, we know you're watching the subtitles, so we're going to be... So that kind of jumped the show. Wet squelching.

Do you think deaf people are like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah. What the hell? What the fuck are you talking about? Why do they make this all... What are you fucking squelching? What the fuck are you doing? I don't even know what that sounds like.

You're going gotta be mad. Yeah, like the sounds used to... Making up funny words and shit? The sounds used to rarely be like laughing. It would be like a little thing. Yeah, be descriptive. Yeah, we don't need the thesaurus out here, man. Stop Dr. Seussing your shit.

What the fuck is that? Bro, I'm saying, man, if you're doing like Peaky Blinders for the accents... That I get. That I understand. British shows with subtitles are almost necessary. But then like Game of Thrones with weird names. Yeah.

And then if you just kind of like apply that thought, like I just comprehend so much more what's going on. I'd be willing to say, admit fault, I might have enjoyed Game of Thrones better if I watched it with subtitles. I bet you would have. I bet you would have. I bet you would have known what's going on and shit. Yeah, and also shout out to this guy for watching that porn.

Yeah, so I don't know if you know this. We both had our own shoes made, and we sold them through Thursday Boots, his company. And there's a male porn star who wears our shoes in his scenes, and this dude sniped him out. Like, fuck it on the bang bus dude. Damn. That's like when NFL players put shit on their cleats.

Hey game day. He's like I'm suiting up. Let's go let me put on my fucking KFC or that's awesome. Yeah it was cool. He's fucked like

he says he wears them like in like a lot of his scenes. Yeah because I saw one and I was like holy shit and he was like brother I've probably done like a

hundred times. And like for us and our show and everything we talk about, that's like the pinnacle. You know what I mean? Well, that's what I love. Sal Volcano does that on Impractical Jokers where he wears his fucking shoes when he's banging. Yeah, he wears your guys' shoes when he's fucking. But he'll wear Legion of Skanks hoodie or Bonfire shirt.

Put you guys on. Yeah. And you're like, what a way to put people over. Yeah, I love that. That's fucking awesome. That's the move. Yeah, that's cool as hell. Speaking of wearing

branded stuff, I was on the train the other day and I saw a guy in just an IMDB t-shirt and it's like my favorite t-shirt all the time. That's awesome.

It says the logo and everything? The logo IMDB. That's fucking great. I just fucking love movie databases. I like the weather channel hat we have

floating around. Jackie was wearing that the other day. It's just the weather channel logo and the blue block. I want a fucking King Soopers hoodie

from Denver. It's a grocery store in Denver. I just want a King Soopers hoodie from Denver. It's a grocery store in Denver. I just want a King Soopers hoodie. Just want to rock one. Be like, yo, good prices. Fair prices for a working family. King Soopers, dude.

Alright, last one. What do we got? If you've ever worn one out, I don't know. At least for me, they're huge conversation starters. People at the bars, whenever they're fucked up, love. At least for me, they're huge conversation starters. People at the bars, whenever they're fucked up, love. I have the ominous music and the awkward laughing. Girls walk up. I've been asked to awkward laugh.

Or they'll awkward laugh. Or just like the ominous music one. People love that. Especially right now. Going out to the bars, it's dark, ominous music, all that shit. So I just wanted to say that. Huge fan. Sorry on Nashville. Bringing my brother and sister-in-law,

two new people that never listened to you, to the Denver show. So I'll see you all there. Yeah, we're going out to Denver in, what's it called? November. It's our first time doing anything out there. We've never gone west at all.

Yeah. Really? We've never gone west to Chicago. I mean, like, I've gone, like, for fun. Drink a lot of water. Yeah, I was just saying, the altitude really is going to fuck with you, huh? Yeah, drink a lot of water. Dude, the first time I went.

You're dry as fuck. You're going to get dried out. You're going to be like, why is my skin about to crack? Just drink water. Even just, like, you're there for, like, 24 hours. It's bad? The first time I went to Breckenridge, I, like, I went up literally two steps. And I was like, I have to sit down.

Hell yeah. It's fucking wild, dude. I sweat a lot. Am I going to sweat more or less? Does that not matter? It doesn't. It only affects you in ways where you're like, you can't really a lot. Am I going to sweat more or less? Does that not matter? It doesn't. It only affects you in ways where you're like,

you can't really feel it. And all of a sudden, you're like, what the fuck? Like, I bring people from New York to Denver and I'm like, hey, be cool.

You know what I mean? And you'll see, I got a headache the whole time. That seems like something a lot of people... I like to buy in the oxygen. Okay. You buy a little oxygen tube.

Oh, hell yeah. I'm going to... I'll have a tank. I think that's probably something that I bet a lot of people think, like, I got this. And they don't, right? No. That's exactly it.

Not me. I know how to breathe. And then they're like, I'm going to fucking throw up. Crazy. Yeah. All right. That also is one of my favorites. I mean, every one of the jokes in Son of a Gary are my favorite.

But when you learned what your white trash accent was. Oh, yeah. Aurora. That's my Steve-O impression. Or the kids I grew up with being like, what's up, Soder? They call me Odor. What's up, Odor? And then I just

turn that into Steve-O. Yeah, like the first couple jackasses were crazy. But yeah, that's like the Aurora, like, whatever, dude. I'll fucking smash your head. Particularly as a big X Games fan. I was going to say, such a skinny thing. Shout out Fox Racing.

When I moved to Alaska, everyone had Fox Racing shit. I was like, damn. You moved to Alaska? I lived there when I was 19. I worked summer up there. Really? Yeah, I did commercial fishing shit. Whoa.

Yeah, I worked at- Deadliest catch type shit? No, salmon and halibut during the summer. But still, you're out there like on the- I wasn't on the boat. I was a deck, I was a dock crew.

So I worked at a commercial fishing. Yeah, there's like a, I did a 90 minute podcast. Ari Shafir, I kind of half told that story to one time when I was promoting

my hour special on Comedy Central in like 2016. I went on his podcast and did like a two hour episode where I broke everything down and I was like, oh fuck, I forgot I remembered most of that shit. Right.

But it was the wildest work I've ever done in my life. Yeah, no doubt. It was great money back then, like O2. Oh, I fuck that up. Hell yeah. Good money. Yeah. Let's talk to this babe.

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25% off that, which is already crazy cheap. That's 25% off your subscription or try it free at FitBod.com. FitBod.me slash KFC. KFC fights first time a long time. So what with the new iPhone update got me thinking about and a personal fear of mine is when it updates overnight the next morning what if your alarm doesn't go off so my next thought or question is what would be the worst scenario of someone if their alarm didn't going go off so like a doctor you need to go into

surgery okay what's the worst you know what's funny why phone update go off. So like a doctor needed to go into surgery. Okay, what's the worst? Or the day of your wedding. You know what's funny? What's the new iPhone update that might cancel my alarms? It's like they're putting in a new iOS. I haven't gotten mine.

I don't ever update until I have to or can't or whatever. Yeah, but they're... I'm getting all these question mark boxes because emojis I don't have. I'm like, I ain't doing it

until... Oh, damn, you're real, Farley. I'm old. I'm old, brother. That's fucking wild. When damn. You're real, Farley. I'm old. I'm old, brother. That's fucking wild. When you start getting the box, I've gotten to the question mark that you're off the grid.

And then you have to be like, hey, just take a screenshot and send that to me. Send what it is. Are you happy you said? I don't know. Oh, my God. I remember those days. That was when I had a fucking little four. And they were like, dude, come on. Do something.

It's too big. It's too little. I kind of want to get the iPhone mini. Have you seen that? It's like now back to the old size. Oh, well, they called it the IS for a little bit. Yes. It was like the 6.

Yeah, they did do that. And then it got, I'll buy that shit in a second. I know. I'm thinking about doing it. I love tiny iPhones. It's funny. But now we're getting older. You have to be like.

I know. Also, I watch so much TV on my phone. I'd rather have a big one But it's funny When things were You know when they were It was cool for a while To have the smallest phone possible

And then it was like No we have a 13 inch screen Or whatever the fuck it is And now it's People are carrying around Fucking iPads Yeah really Yeah

But I would think The worst alarm But wait Why is it going to turn off my alarms Because my I'm thinking it like I understand what she's saying She's like has a fear

Like what if Oh oh What if Because I'm one of these motherfuckers I'm one of like I understand what she's saying She's like has a fear Like what if Oh oh Dude I'm one of these motherfuckers I'm one of these Psychopaths Who I just have like Every 15 minutes Damn

And I just like We're not even out of the AMs yet I'm telling you right now We are We are the exact opposite Wow I got two What is it

And I changed it I don't know I wanted to take a 20 minute nap Yeah I have a I do love you 9.30pm't know. I wanted to take a 20-minute nap. Yeah, I have a 10.43 at 9.30 p.m., a 9.28 p.m., but also we're the exact opposite because I drink and you don't. Yeah. So I need 17 alarms. You disappear.

I'm hyper-aware. It's been five minutes. I do love the 9 p.m., 10 p.m. girl phone goes off, and they take the birth control. Oh, yeah. It's like the only time you're heading. Yeah. 10 p.m. girl phone goes off and they take the birth control oh yeah it's like the only time yeah

good sign but the worst thing that you would miss because it's it's a weird thing because it's scheduled so like doctor surgery

is pretty bad pretty fucking bad how about like a like a I mean like a sporting event imagine that yeah like professional athlete missing the sporting event? Imagine that.

Yeah, a professional athlete missing a sporting event. Shout out Tyler Sagan. Getting going to the military. I'm sure you're shipping out for the military. I'd kind of like to miss that one, though. Sorry, Sergeant. Yeah, but then they're like, yo, dude, you're AWOL. You're supposed to be here.

Disarmamentally just discharged. Pissing off. Yeah, fuck. Dude, we, yo, dude, you're AWOL. You're supposed to be here. Disarmamentally just discharges. Pissing off. They're like, ah, fuck, ah, fuck. Dude, we were talking about that the other day. Like, how insane is it that fucking, like, soldiers just fly, like, united to war? And they go like, ah, is that connecting Charlotte? Walking to the airport, like, in their full garb. And then it's like, where's that guy going?

Oh, to war. I'm drunk at the bar in the morning that guy's going this guy's giving me the freedom to do this dude i got two that i got two that i just thought of one would be you oversleep for a court case that you know you can beat but if you lose your life is over yeah that's that's a big one yeah that's a big one high stakes high stakes number two child custody battle you can't get the custody when you show up late bro even i haven't had any like court shit but like i if i'm late to like pick up my kids from and i know she's gonna give it to me you know what i mean so i'm like fuck like that's why my traffic or the whatever like

so if i just i actually kind of done that and it sucks oh my god it's gotta give you a panic yeah like i i woke up and and i missed something and i was like i i almost missed uh so my kids graduated first grade sure our kindergarten and pre-k graduation the end of the school year and it was but his was on a thursday and hers was on a Friday. And I just thought it was weird that like graduate at the end of the week, Friday, you know? And I woke up like at like 8.30 for like an 8.45 graduation. And I mean, I took a 10 second shower, threw on like the worst button up because I need to look like somewhat presentable. And I drive to the school, but it was actually at the church running in.

And I was like, there's your father. Yeah, I was. That was a big scumbag. Your father. It was a big scumbag dad moment. I think this was like all the dads like sprinting. Yeah. Stampede of father.

That's what I respect. My dad was just like, just fell back. He didn't even fucking come. Not only am I going to be late, I ain't even showing up. Keep checking the headlights. They'll never be mine. You fucking wish I did.

Throw a fastball. What a motivator. All right. I love it. Good shit, man. So those are the voicemails. An absolute pleasure. Always do that

love you guys man thank you so much thanks a lot bro សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.