KFC Radio - Dane Cook, the KFCR Dating App, and Cancel Everybody

Episode Date: February 21, 2019

Dane Cook (1:05:18) is kicking off a new tour and talks with KFC and Feits about his decade of dominance, hashing things out with Louis CK, his Captain America audition, dating a 20 year-old, selling out the Garden with one MySpace post, and grudges in comedy. Voicemails include: block sports or Netflix, fake coughing, dropping 3 dollars, our favorite couple, the KFCR dating app. Also how Frankie Borrelli is like Jordyn Woods and everyone famous before 1992 is canceled.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's episode of KFC Radio is brought to you by Stitch Fix. The online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories that fit your body. Very difficult to do at the moment. Very difficult to fit my body. I'm gonna have to update my Stitch Fix. Yeah, that is actually the true sign of your fat

is when you have to change your clothes. I bought a few XLs the other day and I was like, fuck, I'm officially transferred? God damn it. I've had the Stitch Fix for I think three, four months now. I've been advertising. It's not working anymore

i'm returning everything because none of this fits but see the thing about you because it's the steroid use you're just like you're just bigger like i'm just so misshapen you know i mean and just like lumpy here and flabby there it's like not a normal body see i always think of myself as not being someone who carries their weight well oh i totally disagree really yeah that's like a pretty pretty significant change out of my outlook no doubt i mean maybe that's just our body this work for you that we that we both clearly have but like when i see pictures of us i feel like i look like lumpy and skinny fat and gross and you you look bigger than you were but you just look like. It's not like you have a gut or a double chin. You just look like you're larger than you were.

But as long as it all grows proportionally. Just continuing to grow. Yeah, it's almost like Barry Bonds in HGH. It's like you're just growing. But it's not like you're like, oh, I got a spare tire or oh, I'm flabby. It's just like everything, you're cultivating mass. But I am, it's just, it's a lot. It's significant.

I always think of Dan. I think of Dan as someone who carries his weight well. Yes, but he does the same thing that you accurate. You're cultivating mass. But I am. It's just, it's a lot. It's significant. I always think of Dan. I think of Dan as someone who carries his weight well. Yes, but he does the same thing that you do. Really? Where he's just like kind of barrel chested and it's just like bigger. Okay. I never thought of myself on the same page. Yeah, no, you are.

If you're going to give it, I'm going to take it. Yeah. Well, I mean, we both got the tits problem a little bit, but that, I mean, you can't fix everything. That would have been a lifelong issue. I just can't, though. I just decided. I mean, do you remember, like, January, like, 4th, you were like, I've given up on the physical New Year's resolution.

I mean, I just genuinely don't think I'm ever going to lose weight. Like, I think I'm just going to keep going until I die. Just keep getting, like, fatter. Like, how fat do you think you get? I don't know. We'll find out. Like, I used to think used to think like well i am generally a skinny person this is my new thing these days where like you know i said we're the top like one percent of beautiful people because we're not horrendously ugly we're also skinny people in the grand scheme

of things like we're not you know there are people who like 600 pounds right there's a lot of fucking fat people across middle america technically we're skinny but i don't know if i just keep going at this rate i'm gonna become a fat. Technically, we're skinny. But I don't know. If I just keep going at this rate, I'm going to become a fat person. We're skinny, but it's also like we used to be skinnier. We're skinny fat. We're not skinny. We're not skinny. No, no, no, no.

We are. No, no, no, John. I mean, in the grand scheme of things. No, because if you're going to call grand scheme of things, then you have to call the whole world. And guess what? Most of the world is skinny in the fucking middle America. No. I think there's more fat people than skinny people. Well, your bmi i don't even bring that i mean you said you're you're you're technically skinny

i've been your bmi says you're obese i've been yeah no doubt i mean my bmi that's that's how much your body is percentage the percentage of your body that's fat right it's like a weird i mean it's got to be like no but it doesn't work for like if you're it doesn't work if you're in shape like i've been morbidly obese before right i mean i'm for sure morbidly obese it's like i have my percentage is probably like in thirds it's like organs bones fat like that's it you know whatever 30 33 those three things across the board uh like when big f does fat guy facts and then i like chime in on them i like those are funny i'm always tweeting guy facts and then i like chime in on them i like those are funny i'm always tweeting about them and then like like clam will always be like shut the fuck up

you're not fat you know what i mean not not fat but we're not kidding all right fine i will concede that i'm just saying in the grand scheme of things you look at us with our clothes on we're not like fat people but at this rate i'm gonna have to become fat i I remember I had a conversation in high school with a buddy of mine. And he was like, honestly, because he's a guy who's in shape a lot. And it was actually a year after high school. So I was already starting to let myself go a bit. And he just had an honest talk with me. He's like, where's your line?

He's like, we were sitting in the middle of summer. I was in sweatpants, which is so disgusting in and of itself. We were sitting in lawn chairs in the backyard. I was in sweatpants and shirtless. And he just looked at us like, where's the line? When does this stop? I honestly want to know. If this is your life and it's the path, then we know.

But I got to know. Where is it? And I was about 40 pounds lighter than I am right now. Well, we got her. I was like, a buck 90 for sure. And then 200 rolled around. It's like, oh, boy. We'll see.

You think that you'll never be able to lose weight because you will never try? Yes. Correct. Correct. Well, here's my latest problem. I have what I thought originally was brilliant and is now backfiring in a major way. I got my kids into the same snacks I like. So I fed them donuts and cereal.

Oh, you have fat kids. Well, I don't care about them. I care about them. My kids represent me. Listen, have you seen my daughter? She's not gonna be fat, bro. All right. Keegan might be fat.

He's a dude. Shay is like 11 pounds and she's like three and a half years old. I, I got all this. Now they come to my house and they're like I want black donuts. I want Lucky Charms. They call the Entenmann's Donuts black donuts. So now I have to have these things on deck. Or now I'm a

bad dad. Would you rather be a bad dad or be fat, Bren? Fucking pick. Because one or the goddamn other. Because if that shit's in my house, I'm eating them. Now I just get two of everything. I get a box for me, I get a box for them. You gotta have the kids. You gotta have the snacks the goddamn other. Because if that shit's in my house, I'm eating them. Now I just get two of everything. I get a box for me, I get a box for them. You got to have the kids. You got to have the snacks the kids want.

Correct. You got to have those. So now, and then what? I'm supposed to not eat them? You want to be like, you know, you went to a friend's house and it was like all healthy snacks. That's the worst place in the world to go. You can't be that guy. No, you can't be that guy.

I mean, I for sure have to be the fun dad. That's all I got going. Certainly not have to be the fun dad that's all i got going certainly not going to be the dad they're proud of so i gotta be the fun one who gives them donuts i just love that you're like i don't think i'll ever be able to lose weight because you just think that like at some point as you get older that suddenly happens like it's not like you're like i go to the gym four times a week no i'm saying i think no i just eat whatever i want and i do zero physical activity i can't believe i I'm saying that most people in my spot would start to tighten it up. And I just know myself.

And I'm just not going to. Which is respectable. It's not. It's actually the total opposite. It is respectable to say, like that conversation I had with a friend. He was like, look, just let me know. And you're letting us know. Don't expect it to change. This is where you guys are such a conundrum because you're very into your physical appearance.

But it's terrible. No, it's quite right. I know. None. And so I really care about how I look. How do I look? Very bad. So guess what?

It tortures me mentally. I'm emotionally distraught about it. I have all the time. And also, I'm fully in control of it. I could fix it. I could fix it. But I'm emotionally distraught about it. I am all the time. And also, I'm fully in control of it. I could fix it. I could. I could fix it. But I'm not going to.

I'm on the Titanic, and I see the iceberg. I'm like, fuck. Right through it. I'm like, steering into it. Turn into it a little bit. I mean, I. I think it'll probably take care of itself before we get there. Absolutely.

100%. Let's do a weight loss challenge this stops okay but not yet not yet maybe later definitely but later yeah no i got my hands a great idea i feel like we did that right now yeah we did but i didn't really do it like i know that was the problem no but i need to do it like i need i mean like i would i will why don we do, when we do start the clock on this one, not now, but later, I'll definitely take it seriously. I don't know. Anyways. Stitch Fix.

So go to stitchfix.com slash KFC. You'll get an extra 25% off when you keep all the items in your box. I suggest that you be honest with yourself when you're picking your sizing. Because otherwise, you get a box of really nice shit that just doesn't fit you. Because you lied about how fat you were to yourself. You're literally, you're on, it because otherwise you get a box of really nice shit that just doesn't fit you because you lied about how fat you are to yourself you're literally you're on it's just you on stitch fix and it says wait and no one is gonna know except for you and the fucking robots at stitch fix and you're like 184 it's like yeah bro you're at the two handle bro so just be honest because when you get the stuff you you're going to like it, and you're going to want it to fit. Stitchfix.com slash KFC.

I'll tell you what, we're giving out monster ad reads these days. Monsters. Greatest show in the world to fucking advertise with. It's KFC Radio today. Me, Feidelberg, Dane Cook. I was nervous as hell. That was the first time. And it was weird because I...

Obviously, I don't hold Dane in the same regard as I used to. Just because he hasn't been around as much. Right. But it's kind of like you're seeing your high your high school girlfriend yeah definitely i was just like i was like oh shit whoa like when i was in my formative years i was obsessed with right it's a one-way street but it's like we've got history you know there's some shit here i actually i don't know if i can't remember the last time i was really nervous uh i thought i was nervous for zach morris mark paul gosselaar but in comparison to this maybe it's just because i that interview is done now but i was like oh that wasn't i wasn't nervous

for that oh i wasn't nervous for that what about dennis today oh dennis uh dennis uh glenn glenn was um i was there's that what i got up early for did my hair yeah but but but none of yeah all but well this is this is my point. I wasn't nervous. Yeah, of course. I'm nervous about how I look. I'm like, oh, we have a guest today. I'm going to dress in all black again

like a fucking gothic teenager. It's the only way I'll look slim. Those guys are just awesome at their peak and kind of killing it. And so I think it's like people are just happy to hear from them. And it's cool that we did something with them. Dane Cook, there's some fucking meat to bite into here.

Like I felt pressure as an interviewer to make sure I ask him the right questions and get him to say some of the right things that people want to hear about. So like Glenn Howard is like, hey, man, Sonny's awesome, right? He's like, yeah, it is. It's really awesome. This is like, yo, there's some shit that's gone down. Let's talk about it, and I've got to make you a little more comfortable, and your publicist is going to be on edge.

By the way, they need to have the most uncomfortable seat in history in the new studio. Just give them, honestly, there should be a dildo stuck in the middle of the chair. So they try and say, fuck it, I'll just go outside. Yeah, just, it's better if you just stay outside. Like, we got, like, free booze and food outside. Like, go out there. See ya.

I think that's what we should do. Lure them away from the interview so we can say whatever the fuck we want. Yeah. So I, it was nervousness to make sure we did, like, a good job. I hope we did. I think we did. I mean, I thought it was a very interesting conversation. He's a dude who I very much

believe that he's a guy who if you meet him and you know him is very different than if you just read about him and see him up on stage. I think everyone's like that. Maybe I just have a soft spot because I think that's a lot of what goes on here and then certainly with me personally, people who meet me are like

oh, this is very different from what I thought. So I get that. I think people who meet me are like, yeah, pretty much what I expected. Bro, that's why you're the best, babe. You know, what you see is what you get. Yeah, I don't think they – like it's complimentary when it's said to you or someone who people expect they didn't like. With me, it's like, yeah, that's about what I thought thought it was gonna be yeah but that's that's why you are the best what you see is what you get it's not again it's not a good thing it is it is i don't think

it is it's not great but it's a good thing there are better things to be than perfectly predictable so wait a minute. One moment in the interview that was funny was I was asking why Dan Cook never had any interaction with Barstool because he's from Boston. And he was kind of coming up like mid-2000s, same time we were coming up. And I understand that he like hopped and didn't like need Barstool in any way. But everybody started laughing being like, yeah, Dan Cook didn't need Barstool, bro. And I didn't mean it that way. But you don't think it's weird that there was never any interaction i think dave did that distraction before i think dave okay so i was gonna like go down that road and be like was it because like we've said bad things about you but i didn't want to make it awkward but

it's it got sufficiently awkward anyway but i think even if you were a monster like if you're from especially boston which is like you know if you're from especially Boston, which is like, you know, if you're from New York or from L.A., it's like, yeah, we're all from all the entertainers. Everybody's from here. But if you're in Boston, like even if you were selling out the garden and shit, he knew about Barstool. And like, I still think he doesn't need Barstool. He still comments on the post. And that's what I'm saying. Right.

Yeah. So like so while he was, you know, he says at one moment, like in a joking manner, he's like, not to be a dick, but like you guys weren't on my radar. But like we were. You had to be. We had to be on. If you're from Boston and you're doing that shit, I guess he'd at least heard of it. Yeah. He should have been like, yo, I got to be on the rundown.

But like, you know, a question about asked about us here or there or a mention or I don't know. I just thought there's probably a reason why there was no contact at all and as we kind of passed like ships in the night where it was like i mean he was big in oh like oh four oh five so we were like just starting the vlog i don't even think that yeah i don't when did you start working but then what i was saying i yeah i mean we i started in 09 but i'm saying that is then when he probably like started to need would probably actually need a little more publicity and getting the 09 time. Yeah. Like as well, again, he like he said, well, yeah, yeah. We'll let we'll let the interview speak for itself, because I guess I guess that's the big thing about Dean Cook is a lot of the perception that you may have of him.

If you read the articles and believe some of the talk. It's not really reality and even if it is reality motherfucker killed it so sometimes when it's like oh man well he fell off it's like well you know i had a decade-long run of complete dominance so yeah i mean i guess that had to stop eventually i couldn't do that forever couldn't sell out every arena for eternity so uh it's it's an interesting look at a guy who I feel like is kind of like misunderstood if you believe some of the shadow. It is weird even in entertainment that if you're an athlete who has a

10-year run, I mean, it's. I mean, what are you supposed to do, forever? Right. If you're an entertainer who had 10 years of, I think as he said, I could go wherever the hell I wanted, sell it out. Yeah, it's like I won the MVP 10 years in a row. It's like, well, this guy's, you know, he's over. He's not even doing that anymore. It's like, well, yeah, I had go wherever the hell I wanted and sell it out. Yeah, it's like I won the MVP 10 years in a row. It's like, well, this guy's over. He's not even doing that anymore.

It's like, well, yeah, I had to stop eventually. But yeah, very interesting stuff with Dane Cook. We'll get voicemails coming up, but first we gotta talk about the stupid people in the world, what's going on in pop culture. That's brought to you by TripActions. If you're frustrated with your company's travel management program or lack thereof, you gotta look into TripActions.

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We got, we got bad news for John Wayne. He's been canceled. John Wayne has been canceled. You came up to me, you said, dude,

you hear the news? It was very Peter King-esque. Did you hear the news? Peter King, he's been canceled. You came up to me and you said, dude, you hear the news? It was very Peter King-esque. Did you hear the news? Peter King, he's been canceled. John Wayne, he's been canceled. I said, is John Wayne alive still? Oh, no, no, he's been dead for four decades. But yeah, posthumously

he has been canceled for an interview he did in 1967. It's actually one of my favorite things that have ever happened on the internet. Like people are kind of like outraged, like of course he is. I love that we canceled. I actually

worry that we haven't canceled Hitler yet. Has Hitler been canceled? Why has John Wayne been canceled? What do you say? I mean he said that And this interview is legit from like the late 60s or something like that. 1971. 1971. Playboy magazine.

We are getting up in arms about a problematic interview from 1971 issue of Playboy. He died in 1979. From a man who was born in 1907. Who portrayed perhaps the most accurate cowboy of all time. Yeah. And we are surprised that he's kind of a dick yo kind of a racist asshole my man lived through the great depression both world wars korea vietnam or every all of the bad things that happened in modern history he lived through. He was a fucking megastar bajillionaire.

And a racist. Yeah, we're like, this guy, he's toxic. He's masking toxicality. What the fuck out of here? Of course. All right, here's one quote. What kind of films do you consider perverted? Oh, Easy Rider, Midnight Cowboy, that kind of thing.

Wouldn't you say that wonderful love of those two men in Midnight Cowboy, a story about two fags qualifies. Don't get me wrong. As far as a man, a woman is concerned. I'm awfully happy. There's a thing called sex. It's an extra thing.

God gave us, I see no reason why it shouldn't be in pictures. Healthy, lusty sex is wonderful. Um, he claims with, with a lot of blacks. Yeah.

Uh, you're definitely gonna hear the B word a lot. There's, there's quite a bit of resentment in their dissent and possibly rightfully so but we can't all of a sudden get down on our knees and turn everything over to the leadership of the blacks i believe in white supremacy until the until the blacks are educated to a point of responsibility oh maybe we should cancel him maybe we should cancel him four decades late i don't believe in giving authority and position of leadership to irresponsible people and i mean it's i mean you get the

gist yeah no no understood i mean i mean i i am very much on board with the whole idea of like and like bro it's an old man he's from a different era come on we knew he's gonna be racist we'll be really surprised but when you say the words i believe in white supremacy but here's the thing if i could defend. Oh, wait, no, wait, wait, no, no. I was thinking this was in 1907. Yeah, no. Blaine Sperry didn't really get a bad rap until the 1940s.

It was a little bit. It was very chic at the moment. It was 1971. Yeah, 71. 71. Too late to be like in white supremacy. I mean, that's like, you know, it's like you have to read Mein Kampf. Yeah.

To cancel Hitler. Like, oh, boy. Jeez. He was saying some things. Mussolini? Stalin? Have these people been canceled? Well, let's do it.

In case they haven't. Let's do it. Guess what? Mussolini? You're canceled. Canceled. Joseph Stalin? Canceled.

Who else? Who you want? I want Hitler out. You want Hitler out? Guess what? Adolf Hitler. He's out. Canceled. Bin Laden. Bin Laden is so canceled. Bin canceled. Oh my god. He got canceled before those guys. He was.

He was a real problem. He got canceled. He got canceled. He was canceled, bro. He got canceled with from, uh, what's his name? Our boy. Mikuya. Mikuya. Rob O'Neill canceled the fuck out of that guy with one to the fucking temple. But still, I think we got to cancel. Just to make sure.

People, I don't care. I think, kind of like what we say with athletes, I might cancel anyone born before 1907. You're all gone. Yeah, it's almost like the steroid era in baseball. Nobody's above suspicion. Everybody was doing it. Yeah. If you are from,

I'll say anything past 1991, canceled. You've been problematic. You didn't even know what you were doing was racist or sexist. If you were an adult in a Bugle Boy t-shirt, canceled! Peace!

We're going to do a lot of canceling here in 2019 on KC Radio. You could get canceled on this show. You better watch out. I'm actually excited to embrace cancel culture. I've railed against it for long enough. Let's go. If we're canceling John Wayne, I'm in.

I love it. I fucking love canceling. Could you imagine being the person, wherever patient zero is on this story, the guy who unearthed that fucking article and was just so happy to block it and be like, you canceled. Apparently also it's a famous article. So people would try to cancel the guy who canceled it. Oh, I'll do that. I'll just double cancel.

You know what? We're not cancel culture. We'll double cancel culture. Double cancel culture. That's going to be us. We're going to cancel everybody who's even trying to cancel. Everybody can get canceled. Everybody. You can get canceled. I might cancel you.

I just discovered this article. It's a very famous article. It's one of the most famous interviews in history. Yeah, but you know what? I didn't know that. I mean, but that guy was basically he was trying to be a Native American and this new fella, he's a pilgrim. He's Christopher Columbus, not the pilgrim. And he's saying, listen here, Christopher Columbus not the pilgrim and he's saying listen here pal

we've been this is my story now you can head west you can head west if you want but eventually I'm going to come that way too

this is all mine I like manifest destiny this motherfucking article John Wayne can appreciate that he's probably up in heaven like I'm glad you

faggots canceled me. Spitting tobacco. The thing about it is like, yeah, okay, listen. We all know that Mussolini, Stalin, and Hitler and Bin Laden, they're cancel-worthy. I didn't know that John Wayne was going to get canceled. It's really about finding

Well, once I heard it, but you didn't wake up in the morning being like, I can't believe we haven't canceled John Wayne yet. No, because he's been dead for I know, but that's the key to finding a good cancel is you got to pick somebody who nobody's even thinking about canceling because then the cancel is so funny. The reason

why this is awesome is because you're like, John Wayne's been dead for half a century. That's funny that we're canceling him. So we got to find some obscure people to cancel that. People are never even going to realize. We've got to look for old, dead white men. Yeah, pretty much. Greg McNamara alive?

Look it up. Even if he is. He's definitely alive. He's like our age. Even if he's alive? Canceled. I don't know why I thought of Greg McNamara. I think Greg McNamara was always the athlete we were going to kill.

Jerry McNamara. Jerry McNam thought of Greg McNamara. I think Greg McNamara was always the athlete we were going to kill. Jerry McNamara. Jerry McNamara. Jerry McNamara. I faked his death once. Oh, you already did it. Yeah, no, I did that once. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

I tweeted one day, like, rest in peace. And he got him. He had to tweet, like, I'm in Florida right now. I'm fine. That was one of my crowning achievements. Who's Greg very much alive? Yeah, he's like 35. He's like coaching fucking Syracuse basketball.

Born in 1983. I am not canceling GMAC. Quite young. No, GMAC can't be canceled. No, but whenever I think of it, whenever I'm told a thing of an obscure name, I always think of that because of that. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I remember when we cooked up that planet. Like, I think it was before the Christmas party. That sounds about right. That really sounds about right. Yeah. Well, we're going to cook up some cancel-worthy people.

You know what would be risky? Cancel Karl Lagerfeld. Guess what? Totally canceled. Karl Lagerfeld, he was, you know how horrible he was to women? Was he? He was like, oh, I don't know. We're canceling him, John!

Look, I bought in right away! I'm a believer! I mean, that guy, do you know what he did to his models? He used to make them starve themselves to look good for his fashion shows. He's canceled. Giselle had a ton of heartfelt posts. Giselle, Kim Kardashian. Oh, suck my dick.

They're the fucking queens of this shit. Karl Lagerfeld's probably bowing down to them. I'm talking about the new girl who's up and coming, who hops on the scale, and she's like 101 pounds. And he's like, get this fat bitch out of here. Karl Lagerfeld, canceled. 15 biggest stars of the 1970s. Let's go. Clint Eastwood, canceled.

Wait a minute, but he's legitimately canceled. Yeah, yeah. He is actually canceled. He's a problem. Dude, my mom saw The Mule and was, like, so disgusted by it. I didn't see that, but, I mean, Jeff Lowe was like, this was just a beautiful display of, like, old American racism. She was like, there was a scene where, she hated it all because of one scene where he

got to have a threesome. She's like, no one would fuck that guy. Clint Eastwood in The Mule had a threesome? Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like he goes to, like, the Mexican cartel and he's like, take anyone when you want kind of deal. Got it, got it. It wasn't really a willing threesome. Right, okay, got it. It was more of like a-

So he just picked up a couple broads in the grocery store. Yeah, no, it was like implied, like, hey, I'll shoot you in the fucking head if you don't go suck this guy's dick. Got it. Which I actually don't think is crazy. That happens. I feel like that probably happens. Yeah, so it's not the most unrealistic scene, but my mom was there's no way there's no she's like they they just get in the room they wouldn't they wouldn't do anything there's no way he's so disgusting he is he's

canceled barbara streisand tough to cancel females but i'm sure she's uh i'm sure she she uh i'm sure she hates anybody who's not Jewish. Canceled. No, I'm going to stick up for Barbara Streisand. She's good. Burt Reynolds. R.I.P. Actually, no. I think I heard Burt Reynolds was like beloved at FSU and stuff like that.

I mean, obviously because he was an athlete, but I mean by like other athletes and people who were probably underrepresented at the time and stuff like that. Yeah, I'm not saying he's racist. I'm saying he's a womanizer. Oh, okay. Yeah. So he's been canceled for sexism. Yeah, but Clooney's a womanizer just because he's a womanizer.

Oh, guess what? George has been canceled. Just because you're a womanizer doesn't mean I am fucking so hot with that. No, I guarantee you Burt Reynolds has like— If you're womanizing with people who are willing, there's nothing wrong with that. No, you might get canceled. You better watch your mouth.

I'm going to defend some people. I'm not going to cancel. I'll cancel everybody with broad strokes. Like anyone before the seventies canceled individual names. All right. Well, I'm, I'm three for three canceled right now.

So Woody Allen. Yeah. All right. That's the most canceled guy. Why now. Woody Allen. All right. That's the most canceled guy. Why hasn't Woody Allen been canceled? Again, all jokes aside, I was joking. Then I was joking about how Clint Eastwood actually needs to be canceled. Now I'm not joking anymore. Woody Allen needs to be canceled.

What the fuck is the holdup? He's suing somebody else for like $40 million because they canceled the movie or something. They canceled him. And he's suing. I mean, no. You should not only... You should be in jail. You should be like just fucking dropped on the side of a mountain and left

to die. You married your daughter. You fucked your daughter, dude. Canceled. Didn't they get married when she was like 18 too? Yes, it's like an underage family member. Oh, you don't think you might have been grooming her a little bit for that? Cancel him!

For real, cancel him. Like, again, not just like, oh, we're not going to let you do movies anymore. We need to like ostracize you from society, man. No food for you. Paul Newman.

No. No, I will not cancel Paul Newman. That man is fucking beautiful and Slapshot's so good. Paul Newman. Give me a date of birth on Paul Newman. I'll decide.

I'll decide. 19 Newman. Give me a date of birth on Paul Newman. I'll decide. I'll decide. 1925. Ah, 25? My grandpa was born in 25. You know what? Your grandpa probably canceled it. I feel like, see, Paul Newman's perfect, actually. He is John Wayne.

He's the guy, like, I would like to wake up in the morning, find an article, and be like, I'm going to set the internet on fire, canceling Paul Newman. I guarantee you Paul Newman said the N-word. No, because Paul Newman, because John Wayne like the part that was great about it was it wasn't surprising. Paul Newman would be surprising because he's the lemonade guy. He is. And I'll tell you what, people who drink lemonade, pretty racist.

I was just gonna say that. Pretty racist people. Couldn't you see him being like, remember when Tommy Hilfiger was like I didn't make my jeans for black people? I could see him being like, I hope the blacks aren't drinking my lemonade. Paul Newman's been canceled. No. Yes. No, no.

Robert Redford. No, he's good. No, Redford's good. He's good. Anyway, it was in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Come on. No, he's fine. He's a little too young for that, too.

Yeah. Oh, speaking of, I watched The Mule. Not The Mule. I watched Old Man with a Gun which is like The Mule but nicer that was good who's is it Clint? he's great

he's fine he's not cancelled Mel Brooks? no no Blazing Saddles and shit he likes black people he's progressive he's a Jew

you can't cancel Jews it's very hard to cancel Jews Barbers cancel but it's very hard to cancel Jews Woody Allen we cancelled a bunch of Jews so far Woody Allen his pedophilia and whatever supersedes his Judas.

Yeah. Agreed. John Wayne turned down a role in Ladies Idols. I'm sure he did. I'm sure he did. The script was too blue. Yeah. It's too black.

These are a little bit more modern. Hoffman, Pacino. Hoffman. Travolta. Hoffman, Pacino. Hoffman. Travolta. Hoffman kind of got canceled. He defended somebody who shouldn't have been defended at all. I think Woody Allen. Did he?

Yeah. I bet you Hoffman's canceled. I bet you do some digging. There's some skeletons there. He came out and defended Spacey, maybe somebody. He was like, why are we trying to tear down a good man? And everyone was like, well, it's not a good man dude Sounds like a

Weinstein yeah Maybe maybe it could have been Weinstein It was almost like he was so Early it was one of the early cancels So he was like why are we doing this whereas everyone Knows now get off the tracks because they're stopping it So don't be the one speaking up against it because You're gonna get taken down too so

A half a cancel. You better watch your step, Dustin, because I'll throw out that other half so fucking fast. I'll confuse you with Michael Douglas real quick. Real fast. Don't you got pussy mouth cancer? Oh, no, that's the other one? Okay.

All right. Fine. But watch out. You better watch your ass or I'll confuse you with Catherine Zeta-Jones' husband. Faster than your head Go fucking spin. Last two, Charles Bronson. And did we do Sly Sloan?

Sly's good. Sly's good. Sly's good. Charles Bronson. Charles Bronson? He feels cancel-worthy to me. Oh, he was like, wasn't he like the head of the NRA? Yeah.

Oh, he is super cancel-worthy. Probably worth canceling. Yeah. Just to be safe. Let's get out that cancel stamp and you'll be canceled. I think if you're an NRA guy right now, I have no issues. But if you're an NRA guy like in the 70s, cancel, cancel, cancel. Let's let's move to the modern day today because there was a big time cancel yesterday. You can go ahead and cancel.

Jordan Woods is her name. Sure. Jordan spells it like an asshole yep definitely like an asshole of course jordan woods will get into her the biggest cancel of the year thus far brought to you by c geek buying and tickets buying and selling tickets they can be complicated they can be confusing not with c geek it's like i almost want to be like is it complicated and confusing anymore because aren't you all just using SeatGeek? It's almost like if – imagine if the pitch for automobiles in general, cars, was like, it's hard to get around.

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and enter KFC today. That's KFC for $10 off your first SeatGeek purchase. Dustin Hoffman, he just sexually harassed a 17-year-old. Cancel! I'll do it. Cancel! No, but I'm I'll do it. Cancel! No, but I'm telling you, there was also,

I vividly remember a story of him defending, I want to say defending himself. Could have been. Could have been. Jordan Woods is, I'm going to, I got to hit you off.

This is, we got to give a little background because I don't think everybody knows, you know, the saga. I definitely don't. I just, I just know, you give me the saga. I definitely don't. I just I just know. Yeah.

So you give me the Jordan Woods lives with Kylie Jenner. Kylie Jenner is Kim Kardashian's sister, half sister. Kylie. Why does she live with her? Why are they friends? Because I mean, if if you could live with Kylie, wouldn't you? But how do they meet? Yeah, I don't know that much.

I think they're probably, you're probably business associates sort of thing. You know how Kim has that guy who looks like a scarecrow and there's those black twins that hang around all the time. I don't know them. Yeah, you know them. I've never seen literally 10 seconds of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Okay, so maybe you don't know them.

They have, yeah, they're friends. I've seen GIFs, but that's about it. They have friends, they have business partners, they have but that's about it. You've seen GIFs? Yeah. They have friends. They have business partners. They have hangers-on. They have people who became part of the reality show kind of. It's like, oh, you're the assistant who's always around, but now all of a sudden people know you a little bit.

So this girl did this for Kylie. She lives in her house. She's like a surrogate or like an honorary Kardashian, the whole nine. Takes care of the kids and shit. She fucked Tristan Thompson, who is married to Khloe. Tristan very famously and publicly cheated on Khloe Kardashian when she was pregnant. What a scumbag move. And then they stayed together.

Was it with Jordan then? No, that was like an insta-thought. She went public and posted videos and shit like that. Also a scumb insta thought she went viral like she went public and like posted videos and shit like that also a scumbag well people should never do that uh so chloe stayed by her man did not she did not air him out she did not roast him she said whatever we're gonna make it work well strike one fine strike two not as cool with everything. Big time game changer when you fuck your sister's friends. Did they even fuck? I thought they just made out in a club.

I actually don't know the details on that. I think that there was something that said they saw her leaving his house at 7 a.m., though. I mean, that's just you have to be a stupid idiot person. Stupid. You're just stupid. When I read this, I was beyond baffled. Because just knowing that, I mean, how do you give up that gravy train? I mean, it is like taking a lottery ticket and lighting it on fire.

You had, I mean, when you ride Kylie's coattails, you just live Kylie Jenner's life. It's like, you know what this is? This is Frankie. Frankie right now lives like Dave Portnoy. Frankie is a, like a 23 or four year old guy making no money, but he flies private. He goes to events with models. He eats at the finest restaurants. He rubs elbows with billionaires. He goes to every sporting event because he just gets to live Dave's life by association. That was Jordan Woods. She's on the cover of Forbes. She made a billion last year because when you're the right-hand man, you just get to live that life.

And all you got to do is not fuck it up. I also, you know, I actually think that even more than the pain of losing that life, I think what would suck more is just knowing. Everyone thinking you're stupid. Chris Jenner's just up there. Oh, lurking. Just hooking something. Lurking. Like, Chris Jenner's going to murder a body and put it in your house.

Unless. Chris Jenner was going to murder a body and put it in your house. Unless... Kris Jenner was behind all this. I think Kris Jenner wants Tristan Thompson out. So she paid Jordan Woods to do that? Yes. So I think that now Jordan Woods is on the low. She's on the ultimate gravy train.

The Kris Jenner private gravy train. Like, yo, girl, you're going to have to be publicly ridiculed. You're going to get canceled by KFC Radio. It's going to be tough. But here's your monthly payment. Because I got to get rid of Tristan Thompson because he's a fucking dope. Yeah, I mean, he is. I mean, he's not like Kardashian.

Actually, I don't know who's stupider, him or Jordan Woods. Yeah, that's a great call. I don't know. Because he's still a basketball player he's still worth a zillion dollars yeah that's true I always forget

how much money basketball players are worth yeah like Tristan Thompson I think he's on like an 80 million dollar deal he's like big money I was thinking like

oh like he's gonna need to do something after basketball yeah no he's all good and he's like he's probably like uh later

you know what I mean like isn't it weird though that like Kris Jenner has a few black marks like she let Kris Humphries in she let Tristan Thompson in well it's part of the screening what I mean? Like, isn't it weird though that like Chris Jenner has a few black marks. Like she let Chris Humphries in,

she let Tristan Thompson in. Well, it's part of the screening process. I mean, like you, you think of her as like this mastermind, but it's just like, well,

I disagree. I think that that, like there was a buildup process to a fucking Kanye West. And there was, you know, there's some good drama. It makes them humanizes them. Like,

oh, well, we all have like dud boyfriends. I can see that. I, you know, there's some good drama. It makes them humanizes them like, oh, well, we all have like dud boyfriends. I can see that at that point. I don't think Kim was on Kanye level yet. I don't think she was on like NBA, NBA MVP level yet. I think she was like, you think he's like dude to like land a superstar now? I don't know.

She's already been with James Harden. She's been like, like Chloe has. Yeah. I mean,loe had lamar she she's kind of trending backwards i mean kim was on kanye's level then they were like friends they were already yeah but i you know what i mean i think there's got to be like you know season four is like the bad like the late the loser boyfriend with a bad breakup and season five is like we're single and then season six is kanye it's just she's she's writing a script man she it's not

about just like bow we're the best It's like Oh we're just like you Or we're human Or oh she found her One of the greatest storytellers Of this generation I mean I'm not even kidding I'm really not even kidding What a reputation she has

Oh she found her forever Soulmate now What is What has she done To deserve this reputation Because the people The way people talk about her They talk about her

Like she's a god Kris Jenner Yeah Is there proof That she's ever done anything? She just had one daughter Who fucked a D-list rapper And now everybody in her entire life is like a billionaire But wait, what does she have to do with that?

I think she's regarded as like the business manager of the whole operation Oh, she's a momager She's the momager She's probably like the co-produ the momager. She's the momager to the. She's probably like the co-producer of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Yeah. That just said, I'm going to pick out every single one of my children. And now they're all stars.

You know, it's just like every family. It's like she's the matriarch. It just happens to be like on TV. And there's a difference between, you know, being like, I'm going to pick out my daughters and whatever. And then getting credit for writing the scripts for the most successful TV shows I definitely think some people part of the joke is like Kris Jenner

runs the world I'm sure she's happy to sit back and just take that credit but I do think she's got a heavy hand in a lot of this because it's just like alright I got one daughter who's got a fat ass and she's pretty and she fucked on camera but I'm gonna make I mean the girls who were like 10 years old at that point

are now billionaires. You know? Did you see, by the way, Kylie said that they cut her off when she was 15? She said all of her money is her money

and she's a billionaire. I kind of believe it, yo. Maybe. Maybe. And you had, and you had your billionaire friend, Jordan, and you just had to go get some Tristan Thompson dick.

I mean, Tristan Thompson's a fucking loser. I know he's got $80 million or whatever. He plays basketball. He's a loser. Yeah. You know? So, good idea. Well done.

There was a time, though, when, like, LeBron was advocating for that. I was going to say. Maybe they thought he was going to take that. Well, yeah. I mean, again, Chris Jenner. It's like, oh, you play with LeBron? You're going to win an NBA title? Great.

Oh, LeBron went to the Lakers? We got to get rid of this guy. It's like the timeline's adding up perfectly. Oh, you play for bum-ass Cleveland now without LeBron? Jordan, go fuck that guy. I wonder how Anthony Davis will weave into all this. Somehow, someway, he's going to get traded to the Kardashians. And then she's going to make him wax his eyebrows.

Honestly, Jordan is either... So there's two scenarios. She's either the dumbest person alive, or she's on the payroll, and she's the smartest person alive. Because once Kris Jenner taps you on the shoulder and tells you to do something, you have to do it. She might be like, no, I love Kylie. Godfather.

Yeah, it is. I love Kylie. Well, you have to fuck Khloe's husband sorry some pre-monocta type shit some Game of Thrones type shit that's how it goes around these parts voicemails? let's do it voicemails are brought to you by 23andMe

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Why would you not just use the numbers 23? What's up, boys? It's me and my girlfriend here. We're driving. We thought of an interesting question for you. Oh, we got on Valentine's Day. We made that Valentine's Day one, and we made our Valentine's Day today. We love you. We said it, Jaden, because it's KFC for you. Yeah, that Valentine's Day one, and it made our Valentine's Day today. We love you.

We said it, Jaden, because of KSB for you. Yeah, low key. Thank you, guys. Really great. But anyway, we actually had a really interesting question for you guys. We were debating, and we were talking about. What would be worse? Yeah, so news.

If your news released or your significant other's news released, which be worse? Yeah, so nudes. If your nudes were leaked or your significant other's nudes were leaked, like, which is worse? And does everyone see that? Like, your mom sees your nudes? Like, it goes viral. And not just viral as in, like, the normal Twitter people. Like, because Twitter's trash. Like, the trash is on Twitter.

But I mean, like, viral as in, like, CNN picks it up. Like, news stations are like, yo, look at this dude's or girl's news. It's 2019. Let's be gender positive. So what's worse? What's worse? I love this couple. They called in last week.

Did they? Is it the same couple? Is it the same? I said it was. Oh, they did? I didn't hear that part. Yeah. Oh, okay.

And I honestly, I was thinking to myself, like, they're going to try to kind of, like, recreate this and let's just, just like leave a good thing be. But then he like started to genuinely stutter and stammer again and she had to jump in and save him again. I was like, this is the realest couple ever. Like, get to the point. What's worse? Love them.

They sound genuinely happy together. They do. So put that on the board for us. Yeah. We're the most romantic podcast in the game. Matchmakers. We'll cancel you. We'll make most romantic podcast in the game. Matchmakers. We'll cancel you. We'll make you fall in love.

They said they got together because of KFC Radio. Right. I don't know how that happens. Yeah, of course. I mean, how many people use us on their fucking dating profiles? Tons. How many people come to our shows? That happened two years ago.

A few. I guess it's the ultimate qualifier. Like, if you were at the bar and you started talking podcasts somehow, and they said, what podcast do you listen to? And it's KFC Radio. It's like, oh, we're very similar. Very similar and very weird. It's almost like, you know when people joke about those, like, dating apps for, like, people with STDs? It's like, hey, we'll all get together because we suffer from the same fate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the KFC Radio thing. KFC Radio, kind of like an STD. Why don't we make a dating app? Sure. We should make a dating app. I mean, let's be perfectly honest here.

We are not going to make it. I didn't say, I didn't say we're going to make a dating app. I said we should make a dating app. We should make it. We should. And it would be like, what's your,

oh, I mean, honestly, this app is fucking brilliant. We put one of the questions out like every day. And if you answer one way, you're thrown into a pool with these people. And you answer another question, you're thrown into a pool of people answered that way. And you whittle it down.

And then you just have to automatically marry the person and it whittles down to one. I mean, that's a great idea. If you answered like 12 to 15 hypothetical questions and it narrowed it down to one person for you, wouldn't you be like, that has to be. Are the questions like answer answer the internet questions? Or are the questions like, dating questions? No, they're our questions. So it's like, you would fuck your mom, you would eat a cheeseburger, you would fucking murder a cat.

And then all of a sudden it's like, this person is the only person who answered the same as all of your questions. But I wouldn't want that person. I don't want someone who answers the same as me. We answer different all the time. You're so goddamn complicated. I want someone who does the opposite. I want someone want that person. I don't want someone who answers the same as me. We answer different all the time. You're so goddamn complicated. I want someone who does the opposite.

I want someone who challenges me. So when you go, well, you don't do the dating app, but you would be like, this person matched me. Maybe the app gives you two matches. It gives you your KFC. Your opposite. And it gives you your Fidoberg. And it's a great fucking app idea that our weirdo cult will enjoy.

Somebody make this. Somebody in tech make this The guy who made OneBite Yeah, you made a pizza app, make a dating app Yeah, I mean, it took him like a long time A long time, he better fucking buckle up and do that Who would be worse? You, your nudes leaking, or your I've said this

You don't care about your nudes Yeah, I'm on real record here I don't give a fuck and and i i i might when it happens i might start to give a fuck because other people will be like what are we going to do about this i'm like i don't know i don't give a fuck like i feel like i'd have like a meeting like erica would be like like what's our response gonna be i don't know i don have one. Those meetings are not fun to have. They're not good. Maybe I'd get worked up after that,

but in the moment, I'd be like, I remember that picture. Would you care about your significant others? I would care because they would probably care. I don't want you to be upset. I certainly don't want to hear about this for months. I want to protect you.

I don't care to hear about this for like months. Right. I don't, I want to protect you. So I, I don't care, man. I haven't even like send a nude in forever. I'm out on sex. You said that last time. Yeah. Um,

I've been about the sex and game. I mean, it's still a couple of flowing out there. But everybody says that. And then, you know, no, I mean,

they're all old. Like I probably, I probably, I, all old I'd relish it right now Like oh god I was ripped Wait you were sending nudes of like your body You're crazy I mean it's not I don't just go dick I like have like my face covered But like yeah

Full body shot I don't want my nudes leaked i don't want that to happen just want to say that would really really prefer that not to happen so that's my answer you've also like you you've had your i think everyone gets one public foray. Oh, yeah? Let's hope that's right. Let's hope that's correct. One or at least one? I think it's probably closer to one. Meaning what?

People are not going to care the second time around? I think it will depend on what it is. If CNN was reporting on you, that would probably be like right like okay come on right if like if like yeah there's like a rumor or whatever i'm pretty sure the same people who picked up the story number one are gonna pick up story number two yeah it's true they probably saw those fucking clicks yeah so guess what that means there's more than one public foray john i guess so you're right no you didn't do any you didn't do anything there to help me feel better next fucking question. Hi. Hey, guys.

So I feel like one of you has said something about how, like, if you drop change, you won't pick it up. And I thought about that today when I accidentally dropped $3. And we were in line, and I wasn't going to, like, be the one to pick it up. And a passerby was like oh somebody just dropped some money and they were all next to me claimed it and was like oh that must have been me and like grabbed it and stuck it in her purse and I wasn't annoyed that I lost out on that three dollars but I was super annoyed that somebody like claimed it even though she clearly didn't drop it like she didn't just like pick it up and pocketed. She made a point to be like, oh, that must be me.

Was that super fucked up? Am I the only one who thinks that that was fucked up? Let me know. I love this question. I think it's crazy. I think it's crazy. I totally agree with it. I agree with her, but it is like, it's crazy too. I agree with her every step of the way.

You would not bend over $3? I don't think I'd bend over $3. Yo, you're lying. If you drop multiple paper bills on the ground, you're picking it up. I'm not going to like – I'm not saying there's a 0% chance, but I'd think about it. If there's a minor inconvenience, like if it's like, oh, it's under that chair over there. Like, oh, I have to ask someone to move.

I might just be like – But you know why? I'm not going to – Like the wind blows it at all, oh, it's under that chair over there. Like, oh, I have to ask someone to move. I might just be like, but you know why? I'm not going to. It's like the wind blows it at all. Oh, yeah. If I had to like chase it. If you had to like run around chasing like a bill like floating in the wind, like. $100 bill.

That could be a million dollar bill. I was going to say, that could be a $1,000 bill. I'd be like, well, I'm not going to be the asshole. No fucking way. You have to let people know. Be like, that's $1,000. Step on it. If you can step on it great but otherwise let it go

because I don't want you to look foolish I I don't care I would think about not picking up the $3 but I would because the people I mean I had a guy the quarter guy Grand Central I dropped a quarter out of my pocket kept it moving

he followed me out of the train station and on the street on 42nd street was like you dropped this. I dropped a quarter out of my pocket, kept it moving. He followed me out of the train station, and on the street, on 42nd Street, he was like, you dropped this, and it was a quarter. I was like, oh, my God. Go get hit by a bus. I would have thrown it right back in his face. Honestly, I should have been like, thank you. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Just drop it again right in front of the station.

The zipper on my backpack is broken, so it looks like it's open the whole time. Everybody stops you. And I've got to the point where when people say, excuse me, sir, your backpack, I just ice grill them. And they have no idea that I've been told by 40 people today that my backpack's open. So they're like, wow, that guy is really a dick. He really wants that backpack. I know.

I don't like when people tell me to tie my shoes. Like, I know it's untied. I'm like, I'm walking back to my seat where I can sit down. I don't want to bend over right now and tie it. So leave me alone. People in this office tell you to tie your shoes? Yeah. I mean, it's not like it's all the time.

And you're still standing? Yeah, right? I'd kill you. Why don't you untie your shoes? Shut the fuck up. So if you drop $3, everyone around you is going to be like, Sir, sir, excuse me, drop $3. Sir, sir, you dropped money, drop money.

And that's fair. I'm just going to pick it up to make you stop. Yeah, it's more convenient to bend over and pick up those $3. Then listen to those people and say – and then you have to say to them, I know I'm better than you. I don't want that $3. And then you're an asshole. I don't know. I don't care.

Yeah, right. Imagine that. See that? I don't care. If I was walking alone and down an alley, I probably wouldn't pick it up because I wouldn't – there would be no opportunity for someone to be annoying. But if there's any sort of interaction that results from it, I'd rather just pick it up. I'd rather pick it up because I would, I wouldn't, there would be no opportunity for someone to be annoying. But if there's any sort of interaction that results from it, I'd rather just pick it up. I'd rather pick it up.

So yeah, that's fair. Now the next step, if you are willing to give up that money, that shit is fair game. No, it is. No,

but it is also a grimy move to be like, Oh, that's mine. Yeah. Oh, I dropped it. I would be, I would be,

if they just, if she said, is that going to go unclaimed? I'll take it. Would you be okay with that? Uh yeah oh i dropped i would be i would be if they just she said is that gonna go unclaimed i'll take it would you be okay with that uh does anybody's nobody okay oh yeah that i'd be okay with but the if she if she just picked it up and put in her pocket totally good but i agree with the fact that she made the story every step of the way the fact that she's like oh yeah that must be mine. Well, why? Why do you think that's yours?

I actually, I might start talking about this. I'd be like, why do you think? Right. Tell me why. But just so you know, that's 100% mine. Did you pull something out of your bag and you thought maybe it fell? Is there a reason why you think it's yours? Did you have $3 in your purse and then you didn't?

Because I'm telling you it's mine. But it's $1,000 of mine. And if you give me a good reason why you think it's yours, I'll allow you to keep it. But why the fuck do you think this is yours? But otherwise, don't even give it back to me.

Put it back on the floor. Put it right back where you found it for someone else to claim properly. Not with a made up story. Sneaky picking it up. Some little kid

who wants to buy a Snickers his mom won't get it for him. Right. There you go. That guy deserves it. That guy deserves my money, not you. I get where you're coming from, but I also just think that this is such a girl move where it would be

like, it reminds me of like, what do you want for dinner? You pick. I'm like, alright, we're getting cheeseburgers. I don't want a cheeseburger. It's like, I don't want that money. Oh, but you can't have it. Yeah. I mean, that's the way I feel about money. I don't want it. You can't have it. I feel that way about almost everything. Sex. I don't want it. You can't have it.

I feel that way about almost everything. Sex. I don't want it. You can't have it. Money, same thing. All of it. Don't want it. Not for you, though. What's up, KFC?

Fights. It's your producer, BC. So today on the train, I faced a cough. Basically like an Ebola-esque type of cough, just to avoid anyone sitting next to me because it's a long day at work. I don't want anyone near me. So I started thinking, what is the craziest thing that you guys have done to avoid human contact at all costs? I'm sure I've done crazier, but this one fresh in my mind.

So thanks, guys. Have a good day. I mean, I can't really think of one specific instance, but really my entire life is geared towards that, limiting human interaction. Yeah, I don't think I've ever done anything in particular. I've never done anything, yet I've done everything. Chinese riddle for you, Rhonda. I actually, you know what?

I'm going to take this back. I don't give a fuck about sitting next to people. What was his example? He was on a train. Trying to fake cough. I think you have to, isn't that like a lot of work to cough so hard that you scare people off? The train is the train. Like, you can't be expecting human interaction.

I don't go looking for multiple cars i remember we went up to like the section 10 the fucking the red sox thing at uh foxwoods and me coley and jared were on a train and like the two of them just kept walking like he's walking through multiple cars looking for a duo seat i was like guys i'm just gonna sit here yeah i don't care about sitting next to this guy he's not gonna talk to me no one talks if you go on public No, I'm with you. If you go on public trans, you just, you got to deal with the fact that you are going to be around other people. But everything else, like... We just want to sit there, put our

headphones in. The guy's not going to fucking, you know, give me an interview. No, yeah, yeah. I know what you're saying. Yeah, the train is, everybody's kind of on the same page. They should be, at least. I mean, I will... The amount of things that I need to fix right now that involve me calling, like, a customer service person,

and I'm just like, well, that problem's going to remain unsolved then. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing the fucking press one, speak your account number, and I'm going to connect you to a human. When they couldn't find your VIN number or whatever, I was like, wow.

I'm trying to pay my car bill, and they're like, make an account, put in your VIN, your vehicle ID number. I put it in, they're like, this is not a vehicle. I'm like, it's written on my car. I'm looking at the little sticker, and they're like, well, we'll get back to you in three to five days. I'm like, please don't. Just please don't get back to me.

I don't want to talk to you anymore. I'm just going to try to go under the radar and not pay my bill. Your car is unregistered? I guess so. I don't know. I mean, it is registered. I have a registration, but on this database where I'm trying to pay the fucking bill, there's like, well, there's no recluse.

Did you just get a new car? Yeah. Oh. But everything is like that in my life. Everything. I went to another website. They're like, oh, you're doing it wrong. You're going through the dealership.

You have to go through this website. Entered in. Press entered. VIN doesn't exist. They're like, oh, you're doing it wrong. You're going through the dealership. You have to go through this website. Entered in. Press entered. VIN doesn't exist. My old car, same thing. I had to call. I had to get on the phone every month to pay my car bill. Because when I went to set up auto pay, it just said, this number doesn't exist.

So now I have two cars in a row. Something's going on. This is a conspiracy. I have two cars different brands different dealerships different everything both numbers don't exist that's insane that's just me that's just my life that is very much that's you're right it's just like it's not it's not crazy but like every single thing i've never heard of this before right and it's happened twice in a row like i every single thing i do is more difficult than it needs to be.

Every time. Please don't leak my nudes. Let's go. Next voicemail. Hey, KFC, Fight Superproducer BC. I got a little bit of a would you rather for you guys. guys um you remember in black mirror how you could block um people or topics that people talk about like blur out their mouths when they're talking um you blur out certain things you know so anyways would you rather have sports blocked out of your of your life for the rest of your life or not be able to see

netflix or hulu or any of the streaming services ever again so like even when anyone talks about those things their mouth gets bored so you never get so you eliminate all your sports or all of like entertainment from your life i know my answer you're eliminating sports no doubt i want to eliminate sports i want to cancel sports so bad. If I could, oh, no, I come into the office, and every time Dave talks about the Patriots, it gets blurred out. Sign me the fuck up. Oh, every time the Mets lose, I don't have to hear, like,

everybody talk about it? Great. I want to cancel sports. Get out of my life. But I want to talk. I mean, imagine the opposite. Like, you watch the Game of Thrones fucking, no, you don't even get to watch the Game of Thrones episode.

You just know that, hey, last night was the finale. But you can never watch it. And you come in and everyone's like, oh, dude, did you see that? And then it's like, and it gets like blurred out and muffled. You can't even talk about it. This is a real. Now it's totally different for you. Yeah.

Totally. I want to come down to it. I can't cancel sports. But see, sports is like you're going to have a yearly, probably twice a year championship to celebrate. But, I mean, every single night you're not going to be able to watch TV or talk about TV. It's like a quality-quantity thing.

What are you going to do every night of your life? Just watch sports? You can watch other things. I could watch CBS. No, I think it was... It's like Netflix. I'm expanding it. It's just entertainment. All TV.

TV or sports. Last night I watched the Rangers-Hurricane game, so I guess, yeah. Why? I don't know. You would be so bored. Probably, but the... I would be bored. You would go so hard at those parades because it would be like,

this is all I have to live for now. But the, like the best memories of my life all involve sports. But that's a thing. You've already had it, dude. Your time in the sun's over. But what about just, okay, if we are expanding it to, if you're expanding it to all TV, all entertainment. So I'm expanding it to like playing, like you can't go to Keegan's games. Whatever. Great. all TV, all entertainment. So I'm expanding it to like playing like, like you can't go to Keegan's games.

Whatever. Great. I don't have to go to a six hour little league game where they can't throw the ball over the plate. Sorry, Keegan. You'll be the only kid. It would be like an orphan sitting there and be like, sorry, my dad like signed the paper that said he can't watch any sports in his life. You made a deal with the devil.

No, I'll just make Keegan like do other, I'll turn Keegan into an actor. Done. You'd want to, you'll turn Keegan into an actor. Done. You'd want to watch him play sports. I think all of my father, son memories, all that shit, all are sports centric.

Posey. I put on Posey. You're so right. You're so sentimental and you're going to go home tonight and be like, what do I do?

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Then you're going to kill yourself and your dad will be upset and really in the long run cancels out all those nice memories.

I think there are a lot more to be had. I think we'll... No. John, they've got to be slowing down. I don't even know. It doesn't even have to be a championship. It's just going to a game. Yeah, no, I'm out on that. I like to watch the game on television. So, I'll take

the TP. Last voicemail. What do we got? KFC, fights, Superdruza BC. A little drunk right now and listening to the Greatest Showman soundtrack,

obviously, and it made me think that the Greatest Show would be the perfect song for like a playoff run. Like if your're like your team's fucking like when i put out those hype videos for the playoffs like a hockey team putting out a hype video with the greatest show attached to it i think that'd be the perfect song so i guess if i had a question

what do you guys think the perfect song would be for a hype video for your teams. Alright, see ya. I mean, you can take it to the bank that's going to be March Madness. The tournament's theme song is going to be, this is the greatest show. What would be my song, my team's hype songs?

Oh boy. This is like a fucked up call. Of course, you can't call in with my song. Right, yeah, you stole it, dude. That's my answer for everything. Guess what? I don't have a backup. I have another answer.

That's it. It's the greatest show. Yeah, but at least yours actually would be. My hype up would need to be a a fucking like depressing, like disaster song. I like, like you prepare for games. Like, like when I'm in a sad mood,

I just listen to sad music. Right. It's like, well, here we are again. I'm about to get sad. So let's really, let's kick this off.

Yeah. Like a game. Yours is. I'm drowning slowly. She says something. I can't remember the words. Actually, Brick

would be great. Brick is some depressing shit, man. Brick is perfect. That is depressing shit. It's just your teams are an abortion. I mean, I struggle to find how to not play Hello Darkness every time you talk about any.

Hello, Darkness is a great one. It's a very good one. Yeah, but she's a brick. Like, it kind of goes. I mean, abortion definitely plays in my teens. But, like, I don't even mean lyrics wise. Like, the lyrics are sad, so it fits that. But also, like, at the end of brick, it kind of bangs.

Like, they kind of get going a little bit. Oh, and that's what you get. Just imagine, like, a Jets montage over Brick. Very fitting. She was 20. What was that one? We were only freshmen. That one.

For me, I cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise. That one is super depressing. The freshman by the verb, the verb pipe, the verb. The verb freshman might be my choice. That is the quintessential abortion song. And my life as a fan here should have been aborted no doubt well we're gonna get into dean we're gonna get into dane cook can we play out this episode with with freshman please just nice and depressing dane cook is brought to you by robin hood uh you know

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Yeah, I'm sure. You're going to be busy, man. 47 cities? So far. So far. And now it's like we're adding Shio. I knew I was like, if I start at 47,

I think I'm going to be screwed because we'll probably end up adding a lot more, but we'll try to. That's fucking exhausting. Yeah, like, how many do you typically add?

You like double up? You want to do like 30? Yeah. If you do like 28, 30, that's a lot. Yeah. 47's a grind.

And how many, like, what's the time frame? Like 47 and like. Everything within, I think I come back in September for Radio City. Fuck. The last gig. That's crazy.

Yeah. It's a lot. It's a lot. But it's awesome. Yeah. It's probably going to be a shit ton of money too. That's the greatest. I mean, they get people laughing.

Oh, and I get paid. Yeah. That's what's up. I had just tweeted something with you guys. I shouted you guys out and something. What do you think? It's good, man. It's cool.

No, it's not. It's trash, but it's okay. You can say it. You guys have built yourself up. It's fucking great. Reminds me of a young Dane Cook. Yeah, man. We're riding the waves.

Trying, at least. I don't need to wear the cans, right? You don't. I do, but you don't need to. Good to go? All right. Monster guests right now here on kfc radio monster yes it's dane cook live in the flesh on the eve of kicking off his comeback tour as it's being called right so that was i mean that's the sexy fucking like oh we to call it. But it's really I've been doing stand up, working on what would then end up being a promoted tour. Does that bother you, though?

I'm seeing this comeback, comeback, comeback. That kind of implies a downfall of some sort. No, definitely. I said if I was a carpenter for the last five years and I had not touched a mic, I'd be like, I'm coming back. But I've been doing gigs non-stop and Canadian tours and then a tour last year. This is the one that I wanted to do that I partnered

up with Live Nation and we're going to hit all the beautiful theaters and spots and it starts tomorrow night. But there is a little extra something to it. Does it feel like that? Like you said, the other tours you've been doing the past few years, it's kind of the same thing. A lot more cities. I think that this is my 29th year doing stand-up this spring, and I feel like more than ever before. I've accomplished so many things that I've set out to do in stand-up.

And yet the one thing that was always lacking, even at the highest echelons, whether it was Madison Square Gardens or Carnegie Hall or whatever, it was always how many tools can I put in the arsenal so that I can get to a pedigree like the guys that I loved to have longevity. So now it's that mixture of observational, still the energy, but introspective as well. I mean, I feel like you've got a story to tell now. You know what I mean? It's not just the observational humor. There's people who want to know about you. Fortunately, I have a few stories to tell you. It fills the hourational humor. There's people want to know about you. It fills the hour very nicely.

Honestly though, I mean, yeah, listen, you'd love everything to just always go perfect and you just sell out the garden every fucking time you'd go anywhere. And with one MySpace post, right?

One MySpace post. That is fucking crazy. I know. One post. Yeah. The garden like multiple times. So yeah. And remembering all the times that I walked by the garden past,

like, you know, peak booths, you know, like all the all the the shitty, crazy pre Disney era New York that I used to walk by and say, man, I want to come back here and play that someday. But now I have to do a gig in the village at three thirty in the morning for nine people. Yeah, I mean, were you was there a point where you were like, oh, well, this is like this is easy. Like, oh, I'm just going to keep posting on MySpace. I'm going to keep selling out arenas and I'm going to be the richest of all time. It didn't. Man, I wish I had the I wish I was a soothsayer and I could have known that was coming.

The first I started in 90 out of Boston. The first 10 years were like, I always say nothing happened. It was like, you know, suicide thought level nothing to where you're literally like, did I fucking pick the wrong path in life? So when I saw a little bit of activity and that was really from playing a lot of colleges, I was a college age kid playing colleges and findings. You know, I was making a little bit of coin and finding the success, but it was more the kids coming back to those shows. I could see the force of the trees. And that's when I started promoting to them online. Do you resent that people kind of think of you as almost an overnight comedian, like an internet?

I never knew you had the 20 years where you were. I don't really care what people think because just making it, regardless of 16 years or whatever it was before it really popped, I was just grateful to still be doing it past Boston year one. You know, that was hard, man. Year one in Boston and you're just scrapping for like three or five minutes. And the headliners that were in front of me at the time were, and are legends. They're like the funniest guys that maybe never made it Robin Williams level came back to Boston and own owned the fucking city so i came up under these guys they would squash you like a bug if they didn't think that you could hang right so

you kind of i mean you you didn't get swash you were you were earning your way through it they were all probably prepared me for all the ups and the downs and then coming to new york you just battle tested me even more you know it's like when you see guys like Sebastian Maniscalco, I see all the years that he put in behind the curtain. And I know the stuff that he's been told no a lot. And you know what? Now he's providing the opportunity for people to say yes. It's really amazing when I see other people do it and then go, oh, man, that's that's how I did it.

Right. So here's a question. You're in Boston. It's early, mid pushing into late 2000s. How come this is the first time you're at Barstool? We were all coming like up basically around the same time. I don't know. Barstool, Boston, you, mid-2000s.

I don't know. Maybe it's revisionist history. Maybe we weren't on that level, I guess, early mid-2000s. Not on that level, but it just seemed like. It's super revisionist. Without sounding like a dick, you weren't on my radar. I think I was too busy trying to figure out – Yeah, yeah.

But, well, then maybe I should say late 2000s pushing to now Barstool, you should have come up. Right. You know what I mean? You know what? I finally had a little downtime, so I got to – I looked at the archives of the posts. I mean, like I was saying, you wish, you hope everything is always smooth, but then some bumps in the road, some drama, some controversy. More than bumps.

Yeah, I mean, full-blown rain off the rails. But I think that's where comedy gets interesting. I was just going to say, what finally happens is, you know, I'm in the business of observing and reporting. That's what I do. So the more of these outlandish life moments, whether it was the upper echelon and what it meant to be famous and a superstar. When I wasn't ready, I was a welfare kid from Boston. I was not prepared for what that upper tier was. And then you come down the other side at some point because everything crests.

And then it went into a period of my life where it was like stark and caustic and weird. So all it did once I got past all the craziness of it was give me more to observe and report on because I understood a lot more about hardship than success. It's almost like I enjoy when bad things happen to me. I think it'll be, life, success. It's almost like I enjoy when bad things happen to me. I think it'll be funny to talk about. I'm like, awesome. You can at least spin it.

I'm telling you, when I was doing the road early on, I would do these college gigs all over New England. I had a shitbox car, a Chevy Cavalier and it would always break down and I'd be walking on Snowy, the Mass Pike, or whatever, to get to a gig. And I remember so many of those hell gigs thinking to myself, just what you said, this will be funny maybe someday, looking back on it,

but right now, it just sucks. But you can see that. You know, like, okay, great, in five years, I'm going to have this in my act. This will be perfect. Oh, yeah. You start to figure know figure out like that's the whole thing is when you're putting a new show together thematically you're like all right where am i at my in my life what do i want to you know talk about how do i want to approach it and then you just start pulling or i do from some of the um brace for impact moments you know what i mean

good or bad and i find that uh the you, last year was like a secret underground version of the tour. No name, no promotion. I just wanted to get the temperature. Where am I at with my conversation, you know, in middle America with my comedy? And the feedback was so overwhelmingly great about where the material's at that I was like, fuck, I gotta do a full-scale tour.

When you're doing that, is there some thought, though, of like, I gotta I gotta do a full-scale tour when you're doing that is there some thought though of like man I used to just like consistently sell out the garden the arena and now I'm like working smaller rooms again that may be on an ego level or just like shit this is harder than I thought it was going to be this late into my career it's so funny that it you could look at like the Fox Theater or Radio City Music Hall or the Wang in Boston and go, man, you're downgraded. But he said that he's like, dude, he's finishing up at fucking Radio City. And I was like, yeah, it's crazy to even that you've even achieved enough where it was like, oh, well, it's just Radio City this time. Not Madison Square Garden. That's sick. I feel like I did everything I set out to do in my 30s with comedy in terms of like I played 100 arena shows.

I played a stadium show. I got to where I the pipe dream finally led me. It was almost weirdly a relief to finally go. I don't need to do that anymore. I'm set. I'm OK. I'm in good shape. I'm not a welfare kid from Boston anymore.

I can pay the fucking mortgage. Now I can do what I want. I can say no to everything. I don't have to do anything. But was that what it was or was the opportunity just not the same? Oh, no, man. You got to realize I rode away for about eight straight years of consecutively selling out anywhere that I wanted to go. That's a long fucking time. The break after that, after those 100 arenas, the break was really just me finally actually living some life and having some fun away from comedy, which had consumed me for so many years.

And you did a lot of movies, too. I did a bunch of movies. And then I started, like, even recently I'm directing and writing and producing things that are so far from my stand-up. So I kind of feel like I'm always a the, I'm always a student of the arts. Um, but I just get to do standup to make me happy now. So some of the venues that you're talking about, like, or that I've mentioned, it's like, uh, it's, it's, um, you're so grateful to be able to play some of these houses. Now, if you said to me, do you want to play Madison square garden again?

I'll tell you this. That's an event. When you play the garden, it's an event. It's less a show. It's still a show but where your mindset has to be is like completely different from the average stand-up comedy show whether it's a club or college or or or theater so where this routine is at now i i love the venues that i get to play so you you in a way it's back to a huge one so be it i mean i got a feeling that's where we're heading brother um i i feel like so you were maybe viewing it almost as a positive that

you get a little more time away a little bit time to do other things but i feel like the public perception was more myself as well it was like i was tired of seeing myself do you think that there was like a level of fatigue because i mean i think the public would view that more as like that's why we're calling a comeback tour that it was some sort of downfall or some sort of fall from grace or he can't do that anymore. Right. And you sounds like you were like, well, I'm kind of happy. Like, I'm all right. If it was any of those things, I'd be the first person to lean in and say, yeah, it was all those things. It was none of those things. It was at my own volition that I said, I want to step back and actually do some things that are different in life and then bring that back to my standup. It was okay. So Carlin had this character, the hippie dippy weatherman, and he did it for about 10 years. It was super lucrative and he was famous for this unbelievable, outrageous character.

And I saw a clip of Carlin. This defined my career up until now and where I'm going to take it. He went on the tonight show after people knew him as a hippie dippy weatherman. He brought a cardboard cutout of himself as the hippie dippy weatherman and he went up to the mic and he goes a lot of you may know this guy he's been really funny and he made a lot of people laugh but this guy and then he pushed his own picture and it fell out of frame he goes he's gone i'm george carlin let's start and i remember seeing that and being like that's going to be my whole career so after that era i was like i can put the old ideas away i'm not the 20 year old kid in anymore i'm hitting late 30s at that point i was ready to move into what the next

exciting venture might be interesting that's some impactful shit like physically like tossing it aside being like you know i always tell young comics that you know it's funny because i i was the mentor uh to comics you know i had a lot of amazing comedians that i grew up with jerry lewis was one of my best friends and mentor so i'm passing now this information on and i don't give a lot of advice but i always say you gotta change you gotta be able to grow and whatever it is that you're doing because in america we want to keep you as that one thing it's like nope you got to stay in a tank top and rip away fucking pants and spiked blonde hair and you need to right and i always tell people you

don't you know you can continue to kind of recreate and reboot and rebrand i feel like the comic community is is a tough one i mean there's there's veterans there's rookies there's levels to it sure i you know i know i heard that chris rock called you after you first i think like the first time you saw the arena or something like that and and some speak highly of you some have their problems with you would you say overall in the comic community you walk into a place you walk into an event with comedians or at a club do you feel like it's more eyes on you or you're cool with them like where do you stand i i could tell you this the people that i admired and that i grew up loving and then being around you know coming up in boston with the chapelles and the jeff rosses and nortons and they got

they're my friends the people that i i wanted to befriend and have kind of on my journey i feel fortunate to have had the thing that's been interesting is, and I'm not trying to toot my own horn at this point, but I've had a lot of comics, I'm not going to name them, come up to me, and once they get to know me, go, man, I thought you were something completely different, and I misjudged you, and a couple of people have apologized. The T.J. Millers of the world have come to me and said,

hey, man, I fucked up, I'm sorry. And the first thing I say is, it's all water under the bridge. Is it? Do you really mean that? Yeah, man. Like there's not some level you it's like, apology accepted, but fuck you guys. You know, somebody is really doing something that's so deplorable to people. I'm totally Zen.

I'm into like moving on to the next experience and I don't want to hold any harbor or anything. So if somebody puts their hand out to me, I'm quick to say, all right, let's move on from it. Don't do it again. You know, it's like, we'll keep an eye on it. But the fact is, I don't want to, I don't play into anything negative. I just want to go on to the next positive experience.

He's my kind of guy. Yeah. People do a lot of like grudge here. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. Grudges will kill you, man. By the way, it's like, it's kind of good for business. Grudges and people polarizing you and shitting on you and haters, it actually

keeps you from being milquetoast. It keeps you from being the one-dimensional thing where everybody goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, we get him. He's done. I'd rather be this. No, I'm saying there's some substance to it. Let them talk. These are sold-out shows that I'm going to do in some of these places that now I get to experience for the first time.

So I'm there. I can't complain. And I wouldn't even try to find a reason to at this point. The self-awareness, I think, is so key, especially in that world. Some interview I watched you on where you said, I think Kevin Costner told you, like, when you take a big bite out of the universe, the universe bites back. Yeah. Like you're riding high right now kid but like be ready and i think that even just knowing that or accepting that is like a big that's step towards being able to move on conan just had like one of his like a

new york times interview or something like that where he was like i think his quote was uh like why he stopped caring about opinions and stuff like that was his quote was every grave goes uh every grave goes unvisited or something like that like eventually no one goes to your grave anymore right eventually you fade eventually you're nobody yeah i mean the awareness though i i know you know not gonna rehash something you've talked about a million times but you going on that show with louis to handle that the way you did is like the only way to do that like the fact that you sit you sat down you did his script you did it in a way that i thought you both is like the only way to do that. Like the fact that you sit, you sat down, you did his script, you did it in a way that

I thought you both kind of looked good, but obviously you had to take some lumps there. I thought that was like very admirable. Yeah. Yeah. That was like one of those things that when it was positioned, I, I just felt like, you know what, I'm ready to put this in the rear view mirror. And when he called and said, let's, let's, uh, you know, break bread and figure out how to do it.

I was totally game. The funny thing is the internet doesn't forget and the internet thinks that everything that they read just happened. Little do they know, it's like I'm having spa days with people that you think that I was fighting with eight years ago. So it's all flotsam jetsam, man. Anybody who's believing most of that stuff without hearing it from the source, you almost kind of feel bad for them a little bit.

Well, yeah, I mean, that would piss me off, are you, because even... It doesn't, though. Here's why. Because comics fight all the time. Yeah, it's very catty. What happened with Louie and I was like literally something that happens almost every night

at a club between two comics. Right. It's territorial pissings, and everybody's... It's parallel thinking. A lot of people do have similar concepts ideas so everyone's hashing out at some point dude i do a bit about you know a bottle of water and i just heard your your line about it and then you have to figure out on shows i'm doing my

bottled water bit tonight that means that you can't because i'm on before it happens all the time it was unfortunate that him and i just had to air it out on the wall of the internet i think the internet almost makes it like harder for the all those things like like people will be like oh you stole that tweet from this person oh yeah the tweet stealing is crazy it's like dude i don't follow the entire internet i don't know that he said that one thing it's it's kind of interesting as people have uh found their own celebrity how many of them will then call me or we'll see each other at a club and they go, man, now I get it. I was one of the people too, looking at you going like, wow, man, that sucks.

How did he get this? And how people understand that success. Here's what success gives you, right? When you reach that high tier, it opens you up to all the people that hate you. And that's what it is. And you have to remember success. It's a narrow lane. You find your lane,

you find your fans, and you can't be trying to meet anybody else outside of that. If people want to venture to what you're doing, that's why, listen, at the end of the day, I say to whoever's interested in doing comedy, the one thing that got me from, you know, gigs in the middle of nowhere in front of five people to gigs in front of 20 or 30,000 people. The only, there's one word that defines all of it. My whole career, what has been, and it's what to come. And that's funny. If I wasn't funny, we wouldn't be sitting here. Nobody would be showing or certainly they wouldn't come back. So I'm just so enthused to be out here with the Tell It Like It Is Tour where people can see me at my happiest and at my most enthused to be out here with the Tell It Like It Is Tour, where people can see me at my happiest and at my most enthused about the material that I'm doing.

Is it different? I know you said more introspective and whatnot, but is it, you know, the voices and the gestures and the way you also run around the stage, like, or has that changed? Certainly, I'm 46, so I'm not going to do drop kicks anymore or like Uma Pilates with the mic stand or whatever i was doing um but the the energy in the the i don't know the movement it's still there because that was never put on that was never a an act it was i i loved i had love of the game so the minute i get on stage even if i'm feeling kind of like low-key it gets amped up it's i watch chris rock when he performs his stuff at a club and you see him and he's kind of like low-key and but then he puts chris rock into Rock when he performs his stuff at a club and you see him and he's kind of like low key. But then he puts Chris Rock into it when he gets on a special. And that's what I do.

I light it up when it's time to finally perform. In terms of like where the material is, introspective, but I want to be clear. I wouldn't bring out introspective material on the road until I knew it had LPMs, laughs per minute. I want the same level of laughs that you saw at Vicious Circle or fucking Retaliation or anything that I've done. I want you to be able to come out. And the people that came to the tour last year that provided the opportunity for me to do it this year,

they overwhelmingly came and said, hey, man, I've seen eight shows. This was the fucking best show that I've seen you do. This is my favorite show. And when you hear that, you can't not want to get back out there. Yeah. I mean, you mentioned age 46. 46, man. I still feel 19. Miles and miles.

Oh my God. You've been very open too about your relationship and the age difference. I mean, what the fuck are you doing? How could you keep up with that? That would be so tired. What's up? I mean, she's 20 years old. You're 46. I mean, I would be gassed. I couldn't imagine dating a 20 years old. You're 46. I mean, I would be gassed. I couldn't imagine dating a 20 year old girl now.

I'm 30. Ready? I got way more energy than her. She's like an old lady. She's like ready to go to sleep at 10 o'clock at night. I mean, she's really honestly, it's a once in a while you meet a person who's a one in a million, totally anomaly kind of person like me. I was I was at 19 already thinking in such a mature, progressive level, and I just happened to meet somebody who is in the same place that I was in, but we are equals.

So if you love somebody, you've got to hold on to that. It doesn't matter how old somebody is. I mean, unless they're 11. It does matter. Let's just be really clear about that. There is a cutoff date. That's kind of fucking weird. What about the movies?

I mean, Waiting was funny and Good Luck Chuck and Employee of the Month. I feel like we're kind of, you know, comedies and In Your Wheelhouse. And then Captain America audition comes through. What the fuck? Yeah, you know what happened was I had uh i had blurted something out on twitter not really understanding that when they say hey this is a private audition it means we don't talk about who's casting what so i was naive young naive uh blurted something out that got me in a little bit of hot water but i i wrote him an apology letter like two days later and said

uh you know learn my lesson on that and of And of course, I didn't get the role. I don't know if you know this, but my boy Chris Evans is holding the mantle. What do you even think when you get an invite to an audition for Marvel? I guess at that time, Marvel wasn't Marvel, right? Iron Man was the first one. I mean, it was big. They have so many shows now to this day. It's like if you see Marvel on a breakdown and they feel like it's right for you, it's, I mean, you're excited to go to work.

Right. Yeah. Have you been on any other auditions like that? Like kind of like something where. Well, he learned his lesson. He's not going to say. I'll tell you the greatest audition I ever had. And it's a pretty wild story.

It's quick. Spielberg was doing the Chicago 8 movie, which I think now is coming back with somebody else doing it. Set in the 60s drama about the Chicago 8 and the trial and all that stuff, the hippies. And I went and I auditioned for Debbie Zane, his casting director. And I got a call two hours later. My agent goes, Spielberg wants to meet you tonight for dinner. Loved you. Thinks you're perfect for it.

I was like, I'm wants to meet you tonight for dinner loved you thinks you're perfect for it i was like i'm gonna be you know my hero this is like raiders of the lost ark and et and i was like on cloud nine two hours goes by my agent calls me he goes you're never gonna believe this i said what he goes movies canceled he's doing he's doing lincoln or something else it's on the back burner it might might not even happen. So the dinner gets canceled, but I did. You can't even get dinner with you still. I did. I saw him at a, at a function two months later and maybe the greatest conversation with a hero I've ever had. And he was, he said some really nice stuff and, and you know, he was like, I'll keep you in mind. If that's second tier to getting to do a movie with you, then you know what? That's not so bad.

I feel like the way you promoted yourself and used the Internet and were at the forefront of it all was obviously brilliant. But I feel like people like knock you for that almost. I don't know. I don't really feel knocked. No. I'm asking you. I feel like people are like, well, you know, he was just getting he wasn't he wasn't selling out it was the internet you know it's like what the fuck does that mean i remember like you know a comedian that i came up with david cross was like he's

pandering because i was um business mind using the internet you know like finding my demo and i mean like that's what i mean that that's my point like oh this is just marketing i don't think anybody cares today but at that time when I broke through, everybody just said, oh, it's just because he knew MySpace. But again, if I wasn't funny. Yeah. I could, you could shout fire all you want. If people come in and there's no fire, they're going to be like, you asshole. Right.

And you're never going to. You're not funny and you don't deliver. I don't really, again, I don't, what other people think of me is none of my business. I don't spend a lot of time on it. My man literally said this like a week ago. I was like, that is some deep shit. What you say about me is none of my business. Yeah.

Until I Google my name and then I just fucking cry for a week and a half. Do not ever do that, my friend. Well, I would say Google the name coming up this next year and I think you're going to be seeing a lot of good things because the store sounds monstrous. Are you doing a Torgasm thing again? Are you doing a web series? You were ahead of the game, man. That's crazy.

You were doing – like vlogging is big now. I mean, Torgasm, Jeff Ross just roasted me so bad on that the other day. He did. That thing's a piece of shit, right? I'm not going to say it's a piece of shit. No, that's what he said, right? He said that, but we didn't plan on making a documentary. We were filming

that as a fucking home video that HBO just bought. They were like, we'll take the footage and use it as promotional. So in hindsight... People want to buy it. Cut the check and you can have it. There's a whole other edit of that show that we couldn't air because

we were going to be on HBO. So maybe someday the unreleased footage of tour. Don't tease us. Probably not. So the tour will be from now to September, like you said. Yeah. 47 dates already planned. And it sounds like you'll be adding more.

So plenty of chances to go see Dean Dane. And it wraps up at Radio City, which I think will be a very cool moment. Right. Unbelievable. Never, never had the opportunity to play it. So dream come true moment again. Awesome, dude. Appreciate it.

Thanks for coming back. Thanks for having me, guys. Yeah. Cool. This song. This song is fire. Big fire. This is the quintessential, oh, I didn't know this song was about that.

You know what I mean? Like when you first hear it in like 1993 and you're like, oh, this is a cool like alt rock song. And then you're like, do you know what that's about? Yeah. Oh. I thought it was just a love song. She a punk who rarely ever took advice. Now I'm guilt-stricken sobbing with my head on the floor. This is so depressing.

I need someone to make a jet. Jet spot, guys. The butt fumble, right, is you can't be held responsible. And when they really, drop it though Wildly depressing So good For the life of me I cannot believe We'd ever die for these sins

We won't nearly flash now This song just sounds like 90s Yeah, I can feel it I can feel the 90s coursing through my veins What year was this exactly? I'm gonna guess like 90s coursing through my veins right now. What year was this exactly? I'm going to guess like 90s. Yeah, probably, right? Weeks, what is that?

Yeah. Make that fucking guitar cry, baby. Let's go. She was touching her face. I won't be held responsible. She fell in love in the first place. For the love of me, I cannot remember. What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.

For the life of me, I cannot remember. We're talking.