KFC Radio - Danny DeVito, Chris Distefano, and the Quadruple Cancel for Shane Dawson

Episode Date: March 19, 2019

Danny DeVito (1:44:18) is a bucket-list interview for KFC Radio. The legend discusses getting his start on Taxi, where 45% of people with TVs at the time were watching that show, how many more seasons of Always Sunny he is willing to do, the special effects on the set of Matilda, and his latest role alongside Michael Keaton in Disney's Dumbo. Also, Chris Distefano (59:54) is on the show talking about co-parenting with a Puerto Rican girlfriend, how to get rid of chlamydia, how CBD oil can save the Catholic church, and why you should never trust a British accent. Also Shane Dawson might have had sex with a cat. Voicemails include: pretending to be gay, girlfriend shits in public, cut your hair or cook your food, and is a bagel a donut? You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. John, April 15th is almost here. Do you know what that means? Does John even know the implication of the date, April 15th? Yes, I do. Which is? Tax day. Ooh, I would have bet against him. I would have bet against John knowing.

Well, my sister does my taxes, and she told me about it. No, not anymore. I need you to help me, too Well, my sister does my taxes and she told me about it. Not anymore, bud. Not anymore, because Credit Karma Tax is a premium online tax product that is free for everybody. Everybody, even the poor people like you, even the idiots like you, it's free

for everyone, for both your state and federal taxes. Now, a lot of free, you're free and you think it's going to be like some bootleg budget service. A lot of them, they don't you think it's going to be like some bootleg budget service a lot of them they don't include mortgage interest deductions property tax deductions rental property income self-employment tax all these things i might as well be speaking german right now it's just right over the head i'm trying i'll be honest i'll be honest they're over my head too but i have all the kevin's got a degree in like, no, no, no, no false fake news.

But I do like I should know about mortgage interest deductions and property tax. Yes, you should. You were a fucking accountant. You definitely should. But also I have property and shit. I don't know any of that. So I'm just as lost as John is. But it's actually going to impact me.

Oh, my God. You know, bad. My taxes are going to be this year. I still have to technically file together. Kenny, my accountant, Kenny, I'm going to spare you, bro. You don't have to deal with me anymore, Kenny. I'm going to Credit Karma Tax Online. You can file your federal and your state taxes 100% for free.

Zero dollars for free. Plus, you'll get free audit defense, which means they'll help you, guide you through the entire audit process if you do get audited for free. Zero dollars for free. Plus, you'll get free audit defense, which means they'll help you guide you through the entire audit process if you do get audited for free. They have accurate calculations that guarantee results, and you'll get the refund you deserve, not a penny less. Credit tax is smart, easy, and 100 percent free. Go to creditkarma. com slash tax. That's credit karma dot com slash tax. Just do it right now. You don't want to be the guy who used to file for an extension or you're late on your taxes. Just get it done immediately.

Speak. Yeah, buddy. And the sun can't stop us now. What's it a call to? We're taking over you. Oh! This is a great show. Yeah, buddy. Roll that body. Yo, I just look at you and you are turned on, I can tell. Mama rolling that body. My dude.

He's jacked up. You should be jacked up today if you're listening because this is one of those episodes. It's a monster. It's a doozy. It's featuring not one, but two interviews. It's featuring Danny DeVito, Frank Reynolds, Danny DeVito, the penguin, Matilda's dad, taxi, been famous since the 70s, four foot ten, maybe. I think he's more like four foot eight.

Motherfucking legend, Danny DeVito. He's on the show. Also on the program, Chris DiStefano. If you don't know the name, know it now. Get ready for it because he's fucking hilarious. He is. I have come across two people now. He is the second one.

Dan Soder was the first where he walked in and I was like, oh, that's what's funny. That is what funny is. I thought I knew funny and now I don't. He's very DeStefano is one of those dudes. So a full interview with him talking about his Puerto Rican baby mama. And I mean, we got into all sorts of shit with Chris. We did a few voicemails with him.

We're finale today will be Danny DeVito, our white whale. We got to sit down with Danny at Sirius. He's exactly what you'd expect. He's just a delight. He's like a grandpa. But that's two now. Glenn and Danny. We're almost halfway through the crew.

And in basically like a year, when was Glenn? It was like a year and change? Yeah, a year and change. I mean, we're on pace. We're on pace. I'll handle it. I promise you, guarantee you, that one day we will talk to everybody from

Always Sunny. Yeah, I like that guarantee. That's a fair guarantee. That's a fact! Especially because we're going to get Caitlyn and Rob in two birds, one stone. We're going to get this done in like six months. Kelly, get on it. We'll also do your voicemails, obviously. But first, I've got to cancel. I got a huge cancel. I'm very excited

for this. This is a cancel. Like, John Wayne cancel was funny. We did some funny cancels. John Wayne was a serious cancel. I mean, he's dead. Don't get me wrong. But that was, I mean, John Wayne, he said he believes in white supremacy. You got to cancel that guy.

Well, can I tell you why? Okay, here's, I had this thought late last night. I was laying in bed, and I had this thought as I was thinking of today's cancel. And I thought to myself, thank God we embraced cancel culture after all my shit. Because I would have had – Oh, no. I wouldn't cancel someone for that. You have to.

No. In the interest of preserving cancel integrity on this show, somebody would have had to cancel me. You or me. I don't think so. I would not cancel a celebrity for infidelity. I think it's got to be worse than that. My man. That's why we work.

But then I was thinking, okay, that aside, I think most people would probably, there was definitely a crew of people who wanted to cancel me. Bro, think of who we've canceled thus far. Someone who believed in white supremacy. The NCAA.

We're about to cancel a guy who fucked cats and pedophilia. Yeah, you're good. Don't worry. You're fine. At first, I did think to myself, well, statute of limitations expired. The cancel's over. But then I remember John Wayne got canceled 40 years after that.

So I could still catch this cancel. You can catch it whenever. Let me tell you what, you look at me funny one day, that might be it. It's just gotta be... See, okay, but here's the thing. That's a cancel. Like, you look at me wrong, you step on my toe, you steal my lunch from the fridge, you're canceled. This shit

we're about to do is a real life True Blue cancel. This is gonna be like an informative informative cancel because I don't know about it. So I'm excited. I'm going to educate the masses because a lot of people know the headlines and they don't know the details. This cancel is no fucking joke. This cancel is brought to you by ClassPass. Don't go canceling your classes.

Make sure you go to your classes. That's why it's the best. That's why you can't cancel me. Warmer weather is coming around, which means less clothes, which is so true. I am petrified of the summer job. Oh, buddy. Can we make a pact? It's been, I mean, I've put on five different outfits every day for the last five years.

Not good. Not good. I can't wear a t-shirt. Looking like that would be ridiculous. I've never been at the point where I can't wear t-shirts. I'm at that point. Oh, I can't even fucking look at a t-shirt. Like, what am I going to do this summer?

Can we make a pact that if we, like, can we be like shirts at the beach, guys? If you do it, I'll do it, and we'll just stand firm. Like, why is that weirdo wearing a shirt in the water? Me and my podcast host do it. Are you just not going to go? Okay. See, I'm very nervous. See, I used to always, I never had any free time.

I was like, I'm not going to have to go to the beach. What am I worried about? Now people are going to be like, come to the beach. I'm going to be like, no. And they're going to be like, why? I'm like, I'm fat. I mean, I've to always, I never had any free time. I was like, I'm not going to have to go to the beach. What am I worried about? Now people are going to be like, come to the beach. I'm going to be like, no. And they're going to be like, why? I'm like, I'm fat. I mean, I've been off on the beach for a minute anyway, but this goes through. All right, good.

Yeah, I go to beach towns and I just drink there. Okay, good. I'm wearing hoodies all summer. Or maybe I can attempt to class pass. Yeah, you think I like started like, oh, I only wear pants ever because like I was, I don't know. Yeah. No, man. It's an insensitivity.

A long-sleeve shirt looks normal on pants, so I wear pants all the fucking time in a long-sleeve shirt. I'm just going to be sitting there in the summer sweating profusely. Take off your clothes, man. No. But for anybody out there with motivation or you got enough desire to make yourself look better, check out ClassPass. Keep your body fit.

Get your body fit. It's an all-access membership to over 15,000 of the best gyms and fitness studios all over the world. You can go where you want, when you want, how you want. ClassPass is everything you need to make working out fun. Try new workouts. Try new studios. You don't have to commit to a single gym.

You don't have to overpay for drop-ins. You can bounce around. You can do yoga, strength training, spin, bar, boxing. So basically, it's like a gym membership, but a la carte. You don't have to sign up to one place. It's like you're dating. You're single. Right now, you've got guys who are monogamous with one gym, and they're just losing all their money.

They don't even go out anymore. They don't like it. Class pass can allow you to date. Try the red. Try the brunette. Try the blonde. What if we get a class pass and we start going a little bit? I don't know about classes. I don't know if I'm ready for it. Kevin, you're ready for it.

We're going to get a class pass and we're going to go. Fuck. Class pass. Let's All right. ClassPass. Let's get it. Oh, boy. Practice what you preach, bitch. Yeah. Membership started just $15.

I'm reading all this. I have to do it. It's like it's too good of a deal. I'm saying how I need to do it. I need to do it. You get two weeks for free right now at ClassPass.com slash try slash KFC. ClassPass.com slash try slash KFC. Classpass.com slash try slash KFC. I'll tell you what, ClassPass.

I will do ClassPass if you change your URL. Do we have a deal? Classpass.com slash try slash KFC. Two weeks free. Any classes you want, $15 a month. Let's get to this cancel. Shane Dawson. One thing before we get to the cancel. cancel yeah I thought your nipple is hanging out

I have to burn this shirt wearing a sweatshirt that has like some like it's got tan like right where a nipple would be and the rest is white and I was like Kevin's got a hole in his shirt his nipples no I like it I know but no but there's ever a chance that someone thinks your nipples out out i gotta burn this shirt now it's no i like it i know but no but if there's ever a chance that someone thinks your nipples out you can't be wearing it but i mean as i see the whole thing it was i couldn't see the rest of the tan so like that was a nike swoosh with like a tan and and and brown camouflage i could see where it looks yeah right there yeah yeah that's nipples it's height too it's perfect nipple height yeah actually there's my real nipple right in between huh yeah how about that i i once had a like a blue

t-shirt that was like uh like a funny color navy and it just looked like it was wet people were like why are you sweating i was like what like your shirt multiple people did it i love the shirt i burned it i was like you can't have people just thinking i'm sweating or wet all the time they're like is it raining out it's like what are you talking about? Burn it. I don't want to get on the well with that. All right. Cancel time. Shane Dawson. Do you even know the name?

I've seen some rumblings. Actually, when we were doing the Bud Light Busters thing, I was sitting at the death that kind of random people sit at. Yeah. That's the way you corral the newbies. And I said, who the fuck is Shane Dawson? And KB no swag. He was like, are you going to do something about it?

I was like, oh, no, sir. This is your lane. You take care of that. That's the thing. That's why this is a fun cancel because he's an internet guy. And the cancel is a product of the internet. And this guy, he finally blew up recently. He does a conspiracy theories

type of show where he just uh he does a youtube show where he just talks about conspiracy theories which he did one recently that popped big time right yeah he did he did a two-parter but he's also done these documentaries on other youtube like celebrities he did a big thing on jake paul that that kind of like started his resurgence and then he did did a two-parter on just like conspiracy theories. Most of them you've heard of. Yeah. But they did like 20 million views in like 24 hours. Big shit.

Pretty good. Big time shit. Yeah. So. That's really big. Now. Really big. I mean, we're getting the itch for our YouTube views.

By the way, Theo Vaughn, 330,000. I know. Yeah, buddy. I'm addicted to YouTube views. Yeah, me too. Me too Go watch on YouTube Subscribe to the channel

Subscribe Please Feed our addiction Get me off Yeah So Shane Dawson Big time YouTube personality Now

Over the weekend As As this seems to happen People dug up Old Shit about him The clip I don't know when it was from

Not Not too recent It is a clip Of him People dug up old shit about him. The clip, I don't know when it was from. Not too recent. It is a clip of him talking about fucking his cat. Now, the first I saw of it was Shane Dawson's apology. Not apology, just like his tweets, like explaining things. So I kind of, I saw the end. I had the spoiler. I saw him first, you know.

And he said, this is what man, when you have to start your tweet with this, I didn't fuck my cat. I didn't come on my cat. I didn't put my dick anywhere near my cat. I've never done anything weird with my cats. I promised myself I wasn't going to make apology videos after last year's thing. We'll get to it. So I'm trying to be as short and honest with this as possible. If you have to be like, look, I did last year's apology.

I'm not doing it. You got to start rethinking how you live your life. If you got to issue apology videos annually, it's time to. It's time for my annual. You know what? I should change. It's April 15th. It's tax time and apology video time.

I've apologized many times for all the dumb shit I've said in videos and podcasts over the years. I've learned my lesson over and over again, and I'm more confident now in my ability to be entertaining by just being myself and not being so shocking for laughs. The story was fake. It was based on a dumb, awful sketch idea I had years ago that I never made. Thank God. And when the opportunity came up for a funny moment in the podcast, I told it as if it was a real story, which is very disgusting and very, very dumb. My goal with the podcast and with my videos years ago was to tell shocking stories that

would make people laugh and scream, oh my God, no, you didn't. And I think it was so crazy. It was embarrassing and I fucking hate myself for it. Now that I'm making stuff I love and I'm being myself, I feel so much better. I finally feel like I'm putting out stuff. There's so many things I'm proud of. It never gets easier. It basically says I have to deal with all the shit I used to say.

This motherfucker's using a lot of words to not just say sorry about that. Seven tweets. Who stands there and is like, I'm going to go hard. I'm sorry. My bad. I fucked up. Especially when it's something else. Sorries are so easy. I don't know why people don't say them all the time. Especially when it's about fucking your cat'm sorry. My bad. I fucked up. Especially when it's something. Sorries are so easy.

I don't know why people don't say them all the time. Especially when it's about fucking your cat, bro. My bad. Like, yeah, it's very easy to go, it didn't really happen.

I just, it was like a gross off-color joke. Yeah. Done. This, and what you're about to hear, makes you really think

this guy at least rubbed his dick up against his cat. You know, one time, I laid my cat down on her back. Do you want to get arrested for this? I don't know. No.

Think about it. I don't think so. Okay, go ahead. I didn't penetrate. I laid the cat down on her back. I didn't penetrate. Whoa. I moved her little chicken legs, like, you know, spread open or whatever.

And I was like, if I just, like, hump, but, like, on her tummy, like, that's not weird. Like, whatever. And then I humped it, I humped it, and it kept going, kept going. I came all over hump on her tummy, that's not weird. Whatever. And then I humped and I humped and I humped and I kept going and kept going. I came all over the cat. No, you did not. It was like my first sex. Just trying to get a little pussy, John. No way.

Just trying to get some pussy, dude. That's a real story. That's a real fucking story, right? That's a real story. Now, here's the thing. I'll tell you why. Because he was so timid in saying it. In saying it, yeah.

If it was a fake story and you're doing it for shock value, you go, yeah, fuck the cat once. Before I heard the story, I was almost on his side a little bit because I was like, look. Yeah, you've said some things, right? But also, animals are fucking perverts, man. Now, you be careful. No, no, no. You're trying to get a dog out of the room to have sex. They're impossible.

They're like, yeah, I'm staying in here. Right. They get on the bed. Yeah. Stop licking your butt. But that was – there's a difference between having sex with a dog in the room and having sex with a cat. And the way he tells it, I don't know.

I think that guy – I bet you he probably – okay, here's why I don't think he fucked the cat. I don't think he fucked the cat. I don't think the cat would get fucked. I think it's impossible to just lay a cat down on his back. Cats are real prudes. I think the logistics, I think cats are, they're very prude until like, I think they're very choosy. I bet you they'll fuck the shit out of whoever they want to fuck. Like Brad Pitt could fuck a cat.

A cat would be like, woo! Spread that shit. Fucking Shane Dawson? No shot. So I don't think you could lay a cat down on his back and just let it sit there while you humped it. I think it would claw your fucking dick off. I would. Yeah, that's probably accurate. But I think that he was probably, you know, maybe in bed with himself and the cat was there and he rubbed up against it.

There was something sexual going on with the cat. Who even, like, what does that even mean? Like, who could hump just a hairy thing? Right? Like, that's not. Well, he said he put it on his back and spread its legs right probably like smooth under there okay disgusting okay so like okay so now there's two things there's either you think that guy fucked a cat in which case canceled second okay i don't know you fucked a cat i do think by the way i agree with you that The cat probably wouldn't be into it But I think He was so timid about how he said it

I genuinely think he did it So you would be Or you'd be down to cancel him Just on fucking a cat Yes Okay so just for Posterity and future You fuck an animal

You cancel on KC Radio Unless you're paid to do it and Dennis Rodman tells a story about it on the show. So strippers and whatnot, sex workers can fuck animals. If Dennis Rodman tells the story. Okay. If you fuck an animal and you don't want to be canceled, make sure you tell, or make sure Dennis

Rodman sees it and tells us about it. Then you're safe. Okay. Fair. Fair. Now, I think maybe you didn't fully fuck a cat. I'm going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, let's say. Hey, you're on a podcast, you say fair. Now, I think maybe you didn't fully fuck a cat. I'm going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, let's say. Hey, you're on a podcast. You say some weird things. You're trying to entertain people.

Maybe something happened. Maybe it didn't. I think you're a shitty joke teller and podcast storyteller. But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Have you done anything else? Oh, I don't know. Maybe the time that you went on a whole fucking rant about how you find six year old girls sexy. And I was taking a picture of something and the kid turns to me and goes, oh, are you Instagramming?

And first of all, I would kind of those guys on Instagram is terrifying. Second of all, I was embarrassed because, yes, I was. And it was a picture of my salad. And the six year old girl goes, oh, how many followers do you have? I have one hundred and twenty five have 125 000 no her dick was almost as big as mine really even i said okay little big dick why do you have so many followers and she goes oh i'm a cheerleader and i'm like oh really and she shows me her instagrams which are like first of all i don't know if i'm allowed to say this but like she's like sexy

definitely not allowed definitely not i mean she's like sexy you can't you're disgusting i know listen we've talked about pedophilia before it's shame like like do not say this and like i don't even want to talk about it like you will get arrested when your co-host is telling you stop this girl's job is basically just tell him he's about to get arrested yep that's what this girl think and guess what uh she has no control over him apparently occasion for pedophilia and it's so disturbing, and I just pretend that he doesn't. No, let me explain. Let me explain.

Oh, God. Here's my justification for pedophilia. I can't. What are we even doing right now? If you ever have to utter those words. People have foot fetishes. People have fetishes about, you know, everything. Fine, everybody do your thing. So why is

it when somebody looks at Google's naked baby on Google and jerks off to it, they can get arrested? I don't understand. Why is this happening? Right? This guy does not understand the difference between consenting adults and fucking innocent children being exploited for sex.

How do you not get the difference to those things? Here's the worst part of it. I actually went to Google and I'm like, I don't want to see. I don't want to see it. I know. I just wanted to see like, okay, let me just pretend let me pretend like I'm a pedophile for a sec. Pretend? I don't think you're pretending, bro.

He's a fucking method actor. I mean... So I typed in naked baby. First of all They were sexy Okay back to the Instagram So I look at this little girl's pictures And she had makeup on She had her tongue out

She was doing like the peace sign She was doing the back flip Was she like Honey Boo Boo? Was she bad? No she was like a skinny little sexy six year old I mean come on I mean that like I mean straight up

It's a fun segment on the podcast That guy's a problem Like I mean straight up it's a it's a fun segment on the podcast we do canceled like police should go that guy's a problem cause if cause if you if you don't

understand the problem with it I think that you might be prone to do it like seriously you know like I'm not

I don't again fucked a cat maybe he didn't fuck the cat do I think he's like a ped. Maybe he didn't fuck the cat. Do I think he's, like, a pedophile? Not really. But I think the fact that he's. I think that dude's a pedophile.

Yeah, I mean, like, whether or not he has done the act before, I guess he said he did it as a joke. I don't know what's jokes and what's not. But to even joke about it and not get it is a little weird. And this is where I get, like, get like. We say some fucked up shit. And I've said some weird things. And we've definitely had off color jokes. And all of a sudden the internet comes for you. And it's like.

Oh shit. I think I could stand by. Pretty much everything I've ever said. Period. There's no standing by that. Yeah. I've definitely told off color jokes. And said things, but I don't think I've ever preached something where I'm like, ah, that way. Right, that's what I mean.

Like, no, this is a problem. That's not even like, he's just, I mean, that sounds like a guy talking about how he wants to have sex with a child. Yeah, like if you're already trying to justify it, or you're already trying to say, like, what's the problem, what's the deal? Like, something's off in your brain. You have weird psychological issues. I think shit with kids is so weird anyway. Like, the way adults talk about children, like weirds me out a lot. What do you mean?

Like when they're like, oh, she's going to be a heartbreaker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you're talking like that. Even that's weird to me. It's weird. Don't talk about how attractive the child is. When there's a good looking kid and it's like, just don't talk about it. Right.

Yeah. You know, don't touch pregnant women's bellies. Don't talk about kids. Just stay away from the whole thing. You're like, oh, she's, oh boy, you got to watch the boys with her. Shut the fuck up. Don't talk about kids. Just stay away from the whole thing. You're like, oh, she's, oh, boy, you got to watch the boys with her. Shut the fuck up. Don't talk about my seven-year-old like that. When I first heard this, I thought it was going to be taken out of context.

I thought what he meant to say was like, listen, I looked at this Instagram and like, it's sexy. Like, meaning like, who's letting this six-year-old dress sexy? He should have said the word provocative. But the way he says it makes it mean he found it sexy. The way he talks about a naked baby is like... You can say when you see what's it called?

Beauty pageant shit. Those are girls. They're wearing makeup. They're wearing dresses. They're trying to be sexy. They're trying to look like an adult. That's different than saying... It creeps a lot of people out. A lot of people have a problem saying that. It creeps a lot of people out. A lot of people have a problem with that.

But to try to explain that and then say, I saw this girl on Instagram. She was sexy. She was a skinny, little, sexy six-year-old. I don't even like that you said that. Yeah, we'll edit that. I don't like that at all. That makes me very uncomfortable. Okay, maybe we'll give them some sort of benefit of the doubt there.

Also makes YouTube videos, dropping the hard end bomb, and also does blackface. This dude, it's like he's been daring himself to get killed. Daring the world to cancel him. What took us so long? Motherfuckers get 20 million views views i've never heard of him this dude should have been canceled years ago the fact that i'm handing out the cancel here like the first to do it he he has blackface n-bomb pedophilia bestiality that's the motherfucking mount rushmore of cancer it's seriously quite literally is yeah i can't think of something i would swap

out i guess like murder i guess murder. I don't think murder is as bad as those things. Seriously. Yeah. I actually kind of I'm going to do a Shane Dawson right now and I'm going to stand on that.

I don't think murder is as bad as those things. I think you can swap out. I think sometimes there's a murder that's worthwhile. What do you think is worse? There's never one one of those things

is never okay. What do you think is worse? Blackface or saying the N-word? His skit is like in jest. It's saying the N-word. I think saying the N-word? His skit is like in jest. I think it's saying the N-word. I think saying the N-word is worse. I don't know. I guess I would have to ask the black person about that.

Yeah, I wonder. I feel like that's kind of a coin flip. I really feel like it's – the problem, the N-word is usually said in like hate. You know what I mean? Right. He's joking. These are bad jokes. Ultimately, at the very, very best for Shane Dawson, you are a very shitty podcaster, comedian type of whatever he calls himself.

Personality. This motherfucker gets 20. Is it because of the voice? The voice? I feel like YouTubers kind of like stuff like that where he's got. I mean, he has a pedophile voice. He does. That dude sounds like a pedophile.ophile bro you know me with the p word

i don't like to talk about it much oh shit that's right i said a guy once looked like one and i got in trouble no you said he was one you definitively said a pedophile one the headline just the headline i said he's i'm good i'm good there sounds like you should be good I just checked with our lawyer I'm fine there was a moment of trepidation on that face though oh shit yeah yeah

I mean this guy I do usually try to stick up for people he sounds like a character in criminal minds like he sounds like someone who would be

yes yes I get it I get it yeah I know what you're saying creepy he's got a creepy voice exactly creepy voice with a creepy background to boot. I know what you're saying. Creepy. He's got a creepy voice. Exactly. Creepy voice with a creepy background to boot.

Boy, this fucking segment's been like a mindfuck. Navigating all sorts of shit. All sorts of implications and generalizations. I can't imagine if you take this guy at his word, could you imagine if you were making videos like that that was like you're just trying to eat I'm just trying to get on man so I go out there and I like I do blackface I drop M-bombs

I talk about fucking my cat and I try to talk about sexy kids like I mean at that point bro you know what you should do go get a desk job enterprise rent a car dude it's over for you in the comedy world it's way he comes in and you know like you see in TV shows and stuff like that. You see a construction worker come home from the long day at work.

Yeah. Like pass on the couch. That guy doesn't even make it to the couch. He's just like, God damn. Hey, how was your day? Let me tell you. I really put it all on the line today, man. The N-word skit, he's like dressed up as a girl and he's like screaming. It's like loud and like edits. Like bam, bam, bam. The N-word skit, he's dressed up as a girl,

and he's screaming. It's loud and edits, like, noises and effects. I was like, this is the worst video ever. The fact that you have found any success is like, there's no internet karma. Oh, maybe there is. Maybe now it's like,

hey, you sold yourself. You got your 20 million views? Well, now everyone knows that you're a child fucking animal fucking racist. What a fucking. What a trio. What a tripod that is. Put that in the fucking obituary. Seriously.

You're like, you know, RIP to Shane Dawson. He died over the weekend. Shane is best known for fucking his cat, wearing blackface, saying the N word, and finding six-year-old girls sexy. Sexy. Comma. He died of a heart attack. He died of the internet. Cancel.

Shane Dawson, brother, you have been canceled. Little, little voicemails. Voicemails today brought to you by HelloFresh. It's a meal delivery kit that shops, plans, and delivers step-by-step recipes and pre-measured ingredients so you can cook, eat, and enjoy. This is what I need to do, too. I need to desperately start eating better.

I got to get back on this grind. These are good. What do you mean back on this grind, Kevin? You've never been on this grind. That's not true. That's not true. There was a while I was doing these delivery things. And they're, you know why?

They take up just enough time. At this point, I'm just trying to kill time to go to sleep. That's really where I'm at. So if I can do 20 extra minutes cooking, like, what'd you do tonight? I cooked,

and then I passed out. So it's like enough time. God damn. That was so sad. It's depressing. That was a really sad sentence. I'm just trying to kill time until I can go to sleep.

Just smoke weed until I'm tired. You smoke weed? I'm trying to go to sleep. You're smoking weed? Yeah. But literally just to go to sleep. Not like, oh, I can't wait to go home and smoke. I'm like, ah, something's got to make me tired in here.

So I'm going to make my HelloFresh, smoke a little bit, and it's going to be a nice little night. Pre-measured ingredients with a six-step pictured recipe these are good it's just like do this do that do this do that just like a little little card rather than writing it all out i like that yeah it's like okay how should it look right now okay looks like that all right good uh 30 minutes maximum and it calls for less than two pots and pans which is good by the way i went to buy some pots the other day i just want like i just wanted a 12-piece set. Just give me all the things, you know? And I grabbed a box.

It was at HomeGoods or whatever. Just grab a box, throw it in. Chick buzzes it. $469. I was like, I will be... And then there is ones for like $79. I thought they were all kind of the same. I'll take this one.

That was stainless steel, fucking carbon, blah, blah, blah, blah. $500? It was great speed. I'll take these ones over here. I don't know. Are they going to explode on me or something? That's good for you that you would do that because I would be embarrassed to do that. I know what you mean. Cash register shame is a thing

for sure. I'm not dropping $500 on pots. Yeah, you're right. In that sense, I would probably be like, nah. I got my $70 pots, and it works with HelloFresh. No problem. You get the three meals to choose from, classic, veggie, or family, and you can switch between them whenever your tastes change.

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Ooh, 80 bucks. When you go to hello, fresh.com slash KFC 80, and then enter KFC 80 at checkout. So you'll get, that's basically getting eight meals for free. You get $20 off your first four boxes. Each 80 bucks. When you go to hello, fresh. You get $20 off your first four boxes each.

$80 when you go to HelloFresh.com slash KFC80 and enter the promo code KFC80. Voicemail time. Let's cook. Hey, KFC Fights Superdosa BZ. I got a question for you guys about would you rather. Would you guys rather have to cut your own hair For the rest of your life Or

Cook your own meals for the rest of your life So I'm thinking like no delivery No restaurant, something like that At first I was thinking Cook because I cook like half my stuff anyway And like It's very funny It's very funny that one thing is just what people do.

But then I kind of start to think about it, and I'm thinking. That's just what most people in the world do. Like the fact that that is one end of a KFC radio, would you rather? Usually it's jail time or death or losing a body part. Just cook. Would you cook? That's just the way people live. Like a vast majority.

There are what? 8 billion people in the world? Have we crossed the 8 threshold yet? Are we still at 7? Whatever it is. 600 billion and 900 million of them cook their own food. But yet still, I'm giving it some thought oh

you know nah I mean if you can't order and you can't go out like that really is a problem yeah but we talk about hair all the time man

I feel you but I'm just saying remember how ugly Dave was when Dave cut his own hair it was so bad and he like bragged about it I know he used to think he was so hot

I remember being like you are unspeakably ugly with that haircut bro yeah but you know one is vanity. One is like necessity, dude. I mean, I don't know. If you couldn't like, like, I am very limited, but I can do the basics.

I guess. Yeah. I can grill. I can cook burgers. I'm all right with chicken. Not great with chicken. Like, and that, and then. No, chicken I can't cook. Because I either get scared it's going to be underdone. I got to cut it all up great with chicken. Chicken I can't cook.

I either get scared it's going to be underdone. I cut it all up. Agreed. Chicken's terrifying. I haven't cooked in three years. I cooked when I lived in Boston, but I haven't cooked since then. What would you cook? Chicken. I have a crock pot. I have crock pots sometimes.

Yeah, see, I wouldn't... I'll tell you what my problem is. I went and bought a bunch of steaks the other day. Threw them in the freezer. I have a crock pot sometimes. Yeah, see, I wouldn't – Crock pots. I'll tell you what my problem is. Like, I went and bought a bunch of steaks the other day, threw them in the freezer. I always forget to take them out. So then it comes time to eat. I'm trying to, like, defrost it quickly, run it through hot water and shit, and then it sucks. Yeah. You know, then it's, like, not fully defrosted. That's why I'm going with HelloFresh.

I'm going to get my fucking $80 off. There it is. But, you know, here's the thing. Eventually, you're going to lose your hair.. Eventually you're going to lose your hair. Eventually you're going to get ugly anyway. Like you'd have a good head of hair, but when, I mean,

listen, on the path we're on, we're going to be gross soon. So then it doesn't really matter. I mean, I was gross a year ago. Right? Like,

so the thing about when you're old, it's like, okay, yeah, you got a gross, you got a good head of hair, but like you're gross otherwise. So what's the,

who cares? No head of hair, Matt. I mean, listen, we, we talk about it all the time. But I'm saying. People will say about my grandfather. They'll be like, he's so cute.

He's got so much hair. Yeah. It does. Yeah. But would they fuck him? I don't know. I'm not even trying to fuck. I'm just trying to not gross people out.

Yeah, I feel you. I'm not even trying to fuck right now. Let alone at like 60. I just don't want to gross people out. I'm just saying. Again, I'm not successful right now. I think right now we care about our appearance. We care about the hair. We care about the looks.

You do want to attract opposite sex. You don't want to be gross around the people. I think eventually you're going to get you're going to get over that. You should make. I don't fucking care anymore. Whatever. Start shaving my head or your hair falls out or whatever. I think after like a short period of time of having to cook your own meals.

What are you going to do at lunch, John? What are you going to do at lunch? I do not know what I would do at lunch. I suppose I would not eat. I think that's basically what I would do. Well, that's the flip side is that I think I would actually just get healthy. I'm going to have to cook. I don't think I think I would just die.

Actually. So that's what I mean. So, yeah, I mean, I guess I honestly think I would die. Maybe you'll be like, you got to cook your food this week. I'm like, I don't know. We'll just see how long I can go without eating. I mean, cereal is usually what ends up happening. Yeah, cereal.

I cooked a bowl. Cooked a bowl of Lucky Charms. That was my dad's big joke when we were younger. I make the best cereal this side of the Mississippi. Great dad joke. Yeah. Saw a picture of his dad in Jamaica. Just fucking

clout like a mother. Just dripping. He had an ultra boost on the beach. Like golden tan. He's kind of like staring off a little bit. Great shot.

Great, great shot. So I guess I'm changing my answer. You can't die. Yeah, I guess I'd cut my own hair. Which would mean I would It's either I would die or have a shaved head. So I would have a shaved head. I'd have a buzzer. I used to love shaving my answer. You can't die. Yeah, I guess I'd cut my own hair. Which would mean I, which, it's either I would die or have a shaved head. So I would have a shaved head.

I'd have a buzzer. I used to love shaving my head. Oh, felt so good. Gone. Oh, it's like sex. I never did that.

Oh, it's so good. Especially if you go, once you have a shaved head, you're just, obviously keeping up, shaving a little bit. But the first time you do it,

where you're losing like clumps. Feel like you're in the army. Yeah, I just like, I in the Army. Yeah. First day at West Point. Me and fucking Jane. It feels good. It's legit.

So final answer for both of us, realistically. I'm proud of us. We thought through that one. We both have to cut our own hair. Yeah, cut your own hair, yeah. I mean, it's crazy. And I guess, yeah, it's one of these things. I mean, it's just piling shit on shit. Yeah, right.

This is a mess. Whatever. I'll actually match. The hair actually isn't keeping it together. I actually, I blame Fleischman because I think, I'm like, whatever. My hair is fine, so I'm still good. I agree. Get the rest.

Look at this. I'm disgusting. I need someone to really shame me. The problem is that nothing has, I have not really, being disgusting has not really stopped me from doing anything yet. Right. Like, I need to, like, ask a girl out and have her be like, no, because you're gross. You're gross. Like, I will not have sex with you.

You're fat. Women have higher standards than me. Right. Right. Like, shit. I need to get dumped. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you serious? I'm going to, I need to go out with a girl and have her fucking dump me and say it's because I look gross. And then maybe I'll consider getting in shape. Yeah. No, I wouldn't, though. Fuck that girl. She's so professional. I was just listening to the pod about how, you know, fight doesn't date, which is weird because I'm kind of the opposite.

My go-to is the date. I feel like my stock comes out when I'm on the date. So, for example, I've been on 23 dates in the last nine months, which is just getting old. But I guess my question is, what is the move to get from, you know, the dating app, the bar, whatever, to get to that date? Because like I said, that's where kind of my money shines through. Otherwise, I'm like a solid 8-1 on a good day.

That's pretty good. But when I feel like I can charm her up, that's when things go well. I'm a solid 8-1 on a good day? I never crossed 7 in my life. And if we're being honest, it's probably six. It's probably six. Yeah. I've never crossed seven.

Right, right. Okay. First of all, I am with this guy. I think that it's funny that you don't date because I think you would be good on dates. Oh, God. I think that's where we make our bones, baby. That's where you make your bones. You like people, though.

Well, yeah. I mean, I do usually, like, if I'm agreeing to go on a date with somebody, I am at least intrigued with them, yes. You know, but we talk about this a lot. You text and you talk to people. Yeah, you don't. You really are a social misfit, hermit, recluse. I just don't like people.

Yeah. I feel like that's fair. I think largely— But you do like chicks. Huh? You do like girls. I like specific girls. I don't—

Don't paint me with such a broad brush. I don't like girls. See, that was a Freudian slip there. What about that bush, baby? All right, fine. I mean, maybe I'm just speaking for you. First of all, I did a little math there. I don't know.

23 dates sounds like a lot. I mean, that's like two and a half dates a month. Oh. Right? 23 dates over nine months, somebody said? Right? Maybe it's 23 first dates. Maybe it's 23 different people over nine's 23 different people but i mean even

that like i could see that's a lot two new people have been on zero that's i don't know i think i think i could do that i could see myself over the next nine months going on two dates yeah i could see that completely different people though like starting over starting over starting over starting over i mean i know you're getting i guess maybe by like the third month, I'd be like, this is getting stupid. So maybe, I don't think two in a month is crazy. Two and a half, let's say. But I guess by like your fifth or sixth month, you'd be like, what am I doing here? That's why, so he's like, you know, like I just said, I'm just usually I'm waiting around

until I go to sleep. So I would, if someone, if there's a chance to go out, I'd be like, all right, yeah, why not? But, what's the question? that's what was kind of weird it's he was saying how do I get to the date because that's where I'm good I shine through what I don't think it is this guy listens to the podcast right I assume so what does he do when asking us this question what is anybody ever doing asking questions how do you get like from the bar conversation to a date you're talking like i i always say i don't talk to people yeah i definitely don't do the bar to a date

yeah you're a little i did it recently did you yeah but it was like a see that's the thing it wasn't really the internet is a fucking it's's the thing. The internet is a fucking... It's a big time tool. The internet is a big time tool. So, like, met someone at a bar very briefly. You know, connect on Instagram, and then from there it's just texting. The problem is, John,

you don't realize this. You don't... John, I'm trying to think of a movie character or someone. You don't put John, I'm trying to think of like a movie character or someone. Like, you don't put your skills to use. I don't have any skills. See, that's what I mean.

It's almost like maybe like a Miyagi thing. Maybe a karate kid. It's not exactly. It's like, it's just you have the tools to do it, and you just don't do it. There's got to be. You know what I'm talking about? You understand what I'm talking about it's like an athlete who's not playing not living up to potential the saddest thing in life is wasted potential

you got that head of hair you fucking that's it the rest of it's a disaster you like the things that girls like you could talk about musicals and fashion It's not because you like you like the things that like girls like you're interested. Like you could talk about like musicals and fashion as well as like sports and like fucking and stuff.

Girls like that. They'd like your style. You're you're funny and witty on this show. You're a little bit famous. Like John can fuck. John can fuck. I don't I don't ever want to do any of that.

What you're saying isn't appealing to me. I think you've said to me in the past that you're great with moms. Is that true? Yeah. If you just apply that same shit, that just means you're great with females. And you do it in a way that's platonic with a mom, obviously. But if you just skew it a little bit romantically, that's means you're great with females. And you do it in a way that's platonic with a mom, obviously. But if you

just skew it a little bit romantically, that's all it is. You know how to charm and talk and you know the right things to say. It's so easy being a person. Yeah, I know how to talk. You're right. How many people don't?

It's so easy being a person. How are you a shitty person, Shane Dawson? How are you bad at being a person? It's so simple. Just fucking talk. It's so easy. How can people not do this? It's the hardest thing in the world.

I mean, you don't do it. What are you talking about? Well, I don't, but I know I can. That's what I mean. Okay, so this't do it. What are you talking about? Well, I don't, but I know I can. Yeah. That's what I mean. Okay. So this is my point. There are like a billion people out there who are like crippled with fear and anxiety and just want to be able to talk to people the way that you can. And you're just like, nah, I don't want to do it.

Use these gifts for good. Nah. Pass. Just let them waste away. Yeah. Just like my body. Like, well, I use this. I have this great gift from God. Should I take care of it? It's a temple. Like, well, I use this great gift from God.

Should I take care of it? His temple. Like, no. I'm going to fucking let it waste away and die. All right. I mean, I don't know what your fucking question was. Answer, I don't know, dude. Flirt with them on the fucking phone.

Stop going on so many goddamn dates. Just date somebody. That's also, that is a red flag if if like 23 have come and gone and no one is sticking around like the common denominator here is you bro yeah if you've gone if you're on a date with 23 women and he didn't like any of them for a second date you might be gay man yeah do you think he thinks it's too little he's asking asking, how do I get to the date? How do I get dates? So is he saying... No, because at one point he said in nine months,

which is getting a little older, he said something to that extent. But yeah, your question is, how can I do more of this? But I don't know. To bring it back to old school KFC radio, you're gay. Yeah.

You're gay. If you go on a lot of dates with chicks, you're poof. Big time gay. Yo, what's up, guys? I just had to share this ridiculous text that I just got from a guy that I'm talking to. So we

matched on Hinge, and we haven't met in person. We've just been texting and Snapchatting or whatever. And he texted me today after I had left him on read and not responded all day and said, what would you call us?

Kid is trying to DTR when there's no relationship to define. Is that a thing? I don't have a question for this. I just need to share this very good story. I responded and said, I think I guess we're just talking, question mark. What do you think?

And he said, I think it's just me flirting and you laughing at me, which is pretty true. But I just, what are your thoughts on that? DTR, I'm sure, is something that girl is saying. Did he DTR? Did you DTR yet? If you put a gun up my asshole

and said, tell me what dtr means or i pull the trigger nothing i don't have i don't have intestines no shot no i got another belly button um where do you think that would go i think i was actually when you said belly button i was thinking like through the top of your head you think it would go i think i was actually when you said belly button i was thinking like through the top of your head you think it would go that high probably not it would probably be a mess i think it would probably be more like out of your stomach but i would love it to go like basically up your spine like through your neck through your chin through the top that'd be perfect yeah by the way by the way triple frontier what a movie you liked it you didn't like it nah

i didn't care for it wow it was such a final. You liked it. You didn't like it? Nah, I didn't care for it. Wow. That's such a Feidelberg movie. It's not action enough. There's not enough action. Oh, that's ridiculous. The only action is that one scene in the house. Yeah, I mean, I don't need the action. I thought the rest was pretty good.

I mean, Charlie Hunnam's awesome. Charlie Hunnam's incredible. I thought Oscar Isaac was great. I thought Ben Aff was like was a much more interesting character than I expected when he when like they first do like the first you know intro 20 minutes you're like I know what happens with it yes and it's a very different character arc yeah and then like I thought there was like

three so triple frontier is what like like is that a phrase or was it just that they like did the one operation then they I always think I thought of it as the home front that in the mountain got it got it but I don't there's a lot like you know like the first half of the movie could have been like the focus

of another yeah you know anyway I just thought about that because of guns and shooting I would hope that the bullet up your asshole you want to know what I thought about this weekend if we're doing random stuff yeah women in porn yeah have a very bad gauge about how mad their parents would be if they got caught masturbating. That's like, that's the plot or the premise of like every like stepbrother thing.

It's like, you can't tell mom. Right, right, right. It would just be a conversation about your changing body. How weird. I'll tell you what. Let's say I got caught jerking off by my stepsister. And she was like, I'm going to go tell mom. You know who the weirdo is in that situation?

Fucking you. All right. I'm going to go tell your dad that you're such a weirdo that you caught me masturbating and then told your mom about it. Like, yeah, I did something that's totally fucking normal and natural. You willingly walked up to a parent and offered up the most cringeworthy possible topic yeah but they're the fucking weird but then also you what what what then your mom says what so what he was fucking jerking off yeah but what a what a high sense of self-worth you have yeah to be like i'll just i'll trade my body right if you don't tell them i I'll let you fuck me.

I wouldn't. You've been watching a lot of step porn, huh, John? I actually haven't. It was just, I don't like that kind of porn. But I just, I thought of it seeing the headline. I can't remember. I wish I could remember. There was a video that I was self-conscious to watch because of YP.

Oh, I let that shit go a long time ago. I was the first one to think about that. I know. Then you put it in my fucking head. And I've, but I haven't long past curse me with that, man. That was fucked up. But I think the thing is now we've,

you know, it was really fucked up. I'm going to, you know, I'm not even going to do it to you. Logan, Logan, I'm not going to do it to our listeners.

Logan ruined a very, very, very good porn series for me. Well, let me do it. You want me to just tell you? Yes. Like a lot of the girls and girls do porn are like getting, let me do it. You want me to just tell you? Yes. Like, a lot of the girls in Girls Do Porn

are, like, actually getting exploited. And, like, it is, like, trickery. They tell them all that it's not where it's going, and they blast it out, and they, like, ruin their lives. I don't watch that series, but I assume so. That makes sense. I always thought that was kind of the gist of it.

You don't watch Girls Do Porn? No. I mean, I don't, like, actively avoid it, but it's not something I search for. It's everything you need. It's got the interview and the chit-chat before and all that shit. All the stuff we always talk about. I think they always do look a little uncomfortable. I don't like that.

That's not for me. I couldn't. I mean, guys, I can believe it, but I just didn't want to believe it. It's just like, yeah, they're kind of just porn raping these girls. It's fucked up. yeah, they're kind of just porn raping these girls. It's fucked up. Yeah, it is. By the way, the best thing that happened to us being self-conscious about stuff is giving YP a password. Wait, what?

Oh, because he's going to watch the sickest shit. First of all, it just muddies the water. If it was just you and I, and you were like, I didn't watch that, so he did. All you need is a third. You'd just be like, it's like The Office. Everybody's pointing guns at each other. And now, anything super fucked up, I'll't watch that, so he did. All you need is a third to just be like, oh, it's like The Office. Everybody pointing guns at each other. And now, anything super fucked up, I'll just be like, that was YP. That was YP.

That is true. Okay, good. You're right. That was the best thing we ever did. That's a beautiful little side effect there. Yeah, okay. All right, I'm back to watching whatever the fuck I want. Next voicemail.

What was the question on that voicemail? Oh, all right, back to that. Oh, yeah, uh, catch all right now. I'm talking to this girl, talking to you. We're talking. I think that works. I think you should play that card as long as you can before someone, usually the girl in this case, it kind of seems the guy is looking for more of a definition.

I think it goes, I love that. I think it goes from talking to seeing to dating. Talking, seeing, dating? And then like, I think even in a relationship. Wait, dating and interrelationship are different things? I think so. I think... No, if you say I'm dating someone, that's...

Yeah, you're probably right. You're probably right. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it just goes talking to dating. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You gotta give yourself a stepping stone here. right yes yeah yeah yeah yeah but i think he's just talking to dating no no no no no no no no you got to give yourself a stepping stone here you got to give yourself a a middle ground to to to land on talking can literally these days mean like we're flirting we're texting tatting social media but the way seeing is like i'm seeing you more than just once. I see you consistently enough.

And then dating is like, I don't know, every week you expect to see the person. I never did any. I'm so bad at this. It was just like, we're dating now. I never said I was. You never said it, but you did it for a while. You were in an undefined place for a while. Right, but it was undefined place for a while. Right, but it was

undefined. I never said talking, seeing, getting out of that. You were doing those things, you just weren't labeling it. Right. Because if the girl doesn't pressure you to DTR, you don't need to say these things. But you were doing them. If you were forced to, you would have been like, yeah, we're just talking.

Nah, we're just seeing. That's true, I guess. Talking, seeing, dating. You land somewhere in there, depending on whether you want to make it more official or less official. Whichever way you want to skew it, those are the three. But I'm very envious of... I would love to be in a relationship where that's her response. Oh, no. She said, what do you think it is?

I think it's just me flirting and you laugh. Beautiful. I mean, that's think it is? I think it's just me flirting and you laugh. Beautiful. That's all it is. To me, that's a relationship. I would get hookers that did that. Just say that to me. You just laugh. Yeah.

Beautiful. God. That's all it takes. What's up, KFC? Hi, Super Producer. I have a brief but very important question true or false a bagel is a donut because it has a hole in the middle

false thank you for your opinion true or false you're a fucking idiot next voicemail that was so easy false stupid stupidest question we've ever been asked oh Ash Wednesday girl DM'd me uh she also said she was like she was like thank you for like answering that and like clearing it up

for me and she also was like super grateful for us uh explaining to her that when guys are having sex that they're always looking at one thing and one thing only and she was like i have this is a funny thought so so we we explained years ago at this point but uh and then again most recently came up that when guys are having sex with girls you know you're hitting it from behind we're looking at your asshole hitting it from behind and we're looking at your asshole that's how it goes and this girl said that she like went out there and was like compiling. Like she was just asking every girl like she came across if they knew that. So she was out here like collecting evidence for KFC radio.

She was like, it is a resounding no. Like they were all very surprised. I was like, how do you guys not know? It's there. It's like right there it's your butt we're bouncing into your butt and it's a part of your butt of course we can see it

and of course we're looking at it and she said that like every girl was so surprised by it she's like you don't realize how many girls probably learned from you guys that that's what guys are into well you girls that's what was are into. Like, well, you girls. And that's what was funny.

Shit, how did it come up? I said something about, like, the Ash Wednesday thing. And I was like, and then she said that. I was like, how do you girls, like, not know that? And she said, because we don't know anything. We act like we do, but we don't know what we're talking about. Like, gotcha, bitch. Finally, one of you are willing to admit it.

Finally. So, sorry to all the girls out there who we, you know, that you probably can't, your life probably changes dramatically after that if you didn't know that and then all of a sudden you did know that. Yeah. That's a big, you know. It's like you get ready for the night and you're like,

how does my hair look? How does my outfit look? What do you think my asshole looks like? Yeah, it's like a BC type thing. Yes, that's a defining moment. Like history has been changed forever for you. Stumbled upon the Wild Things threesome the other day because to me that's also a defining moment in life.

As a young man, you have life before the Wild Things threesome and after. I've never, like it was just on like the movie channel and it was right at that part. I've never done that. I've never stumbled upon that it was just on, like, the movie channel. And it was right at that part. I've never done that. I've never stumbled upon that movie and that scene. Never. It was, I mean, seriously, the chances of that are one in a trillion. That movie, that scene, the exact moment I turn it on, one in a trillion. I don't think I've ever seen it.

I reference it a lot. I don't think I've ever seen it. I've definitely never seen the movie. I don't know if I've ever seen it. By the way, the movie's good. The movie's actually, like, a good movie. Double crossing, back if I've ever seen it. By the way, the movie's good. The movie's actually a good movie. Double crossing, backstabbing, plots, murder, the whole nine. I talk about it until I sound cool.

Yeah, you disgust me. You disgust me. I could disgust myself. I might cancel. Do you know how phony... We can't start this show with canceling a racist, pedophile, beastly audience. Shane Dawson? Same boat. The phoniness with which you have portrayed yourself

throwing around wild things references. You better not. I probably mentioned it once or twice. By the way, dude, it's a great scene. You know, I've probably seen I've seen like gifs of it. I've seen at least parts of the scene. But like for 1990 let's call it 7 or 8? That was some shit, man. Yeah, man, I was like it. I've seen at least parts of the scene. But like for 1990, let's call it seven or eight.

That was some shit, man. Yeah, man. I was like seven. I didn't really care. Yeah, late to the game, you fucking bitch. Little prude bitch. Denise Richards has the best fake tits. And she's rocking like a schoolgirl outfit.

And she just goes hard with this bottle of champagne, man. Pouring it on her tits and stuff. And Matt Dillon, Kevin Dillon? Matt Dillon. I said yes, I've never seen the movie. Why are you listening to me? He takes off her thong under her skirt and just folds it up nicely and puts it in his pocket.

It's such a move. That's a weird move. Yeah, the camera focuses on it and focuses on his very deliberately, and then you put the thong in your pocket. Neve Campbell was going hard in it. I can't believe you've never seen that. You disgust me.

I've seen parts. I've seen GIFs. I don't know, but I've certainly never seen the movie. This is like our version of the stoolies who are like, you guys don't even watch sports, bro. You've never even seen the Wild Things 3 show. What the fuck, man? Time to get into these interviews. We're going to lead things off with Chris DiStefano. Funny ass dude.

Up and coming. I don't want to say up and coming. That feels like it's... He's very established already, but you might not know the name yet. Funny ass New York guy. His answer to the internet will be out tonight as well. He had the whole office rolling. Incredible interview.

And it's brought to you by Calming Comfort. Calming comfort? I finally, late to the game, I finally am sleeping with a weighted blanket. Oh, yeah. That's what you did at Cavalry the other day. That's a good brand. I did.

I did. It was sent to the office. Calming comfort, weighted blanket. Sent to the office. You know, it was 15 pounds. Wait, we're doing motherfucking weighted blankets? Yeah, buddy. Yo, I've been preaching this shit forever.

I know. That's shit forever. I know. That's why I said I know I'm late to the game. They gave you one and didn't give me one? Probably. They know you already got 40 pounds at home, bro. I know. If I says a 25-pounder, it wasn't enough. You got a 15 on top of it.

He's got 40 pounds on top of his fat ass. I'm going to just suffocate myself. I know you've been preaching it. I know when those came to the office, I put them on quickly, and I was like, ooh, yeah, I get it. Right away. But I had it sit in the office. I didn't want to lug it home.

I finally took a cab the other day, and I slept with it. And it is, no joke, a real deal game changer. It's just life-changing. It's like the butthole thing. Yeah. I'm sure they wanted that. I'm sure the ad sponsor loves that. Wanted to make sure I snuck that in.

I like I am legit. Throw the copy out the window. I don't even need it. Like there was a stretch when I first got my weighted blankets where we would have guests. And that's all I would talk about. You ever slept on a weighted blanket? I was like, he was like preaching like Joe Rogan with like you ever done like MDMA. You know about a weighted blanket? That was like half the Like Joe Rogan with like, you ever done like MDMA? I'm like, you know about a weighted blanket?

That was like half the Hasan Minhaj interview. I was like, yo, man, I forgot about this interview. I ran here. I'm sweating. Anyway, you ever heard of a weighted blanket? It is a game changer. It's so, I mean, I understand. Originally, it's like for kids with autism, right?

And it's like, I get why. Yo, Polly changed the game. Polly did? Well, if Polly was the one, she got it for you? She got it. She's like, you need this. She's like, you're autistic. She's right.

But listen, I get why. Like, normal people, they should be doing it, too. Because I get into bed, and it just kind of snugs you up. And it is so peaceful and so happy. I get turned on talking about it. I keep telling you, I just wait to go to bed at night and now it's because I know I'm getting

under that blanket. And you know what else is good? I kind of can sleep on my back now. I used to not be able to sleep on my back, but I lay on my back and it like tucks me in because, you know, like laying on your back is better. I sleep on my stomach, you get all messed up, your body gets all misaligned. able to sleep on my back, but I lay on my back and it's like tucks me in. Because, you know, like laying on your back is better. I sleep on my stomach. You get all messed up.

Your body gets all misaligned. I just lay on my back, get tucked in my little, my little like little, little bubble. Oh, it's incredible. This is like, it's like, I feel like I've been preaching oxygen. And I'm like, now we have a deal on oxygen. Yeah. Like, listen, you need this. It will change your life.

Water. H2O, man. It's good for you. I promise. It really does work, though. I mean, I get, like, much better sleep. And getting – it's like get into bed happy. Stress goes away.

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your weighted blanket. Chris DiStefano. Talk to him. No. We put out a pair of barstool sweatpants, joggers, that are this material that he wears all the time. And he's got this fat fucking ass. He's doing it on purpose. Oh, he sees things like this.

He knows what's up. Because he does this one too where he puts all his weight on the one. It's not even like, I have a big butt, but it's like a man. Like, he has a woman's ass. He has a bubble butt. Like, he has a nice woman's ass.

Didn't we have Rhea tweet it out? Yes, we did. One time we did, like, guess that ass, and it was from Rhea's account, but it was YP's ass. People were like, damn, girl, you got that wagon. It was like, nope, it's YP. Gotcha, bitch. If you want to fuck YP. All right, we good? Yes. All right, Chris DiStefano. YP Alright, we good?

Yes Alright, Chris DiStefano What's up, Bubba? For the first time ever on KFC Radio I just met you, but I mean, you've done You've been on stage with Chef You've done $20 Chef You were just in there with YP So I feel like I already know you

Yeah, dude Because you've been in the Barstool Mix a little bit I'm in here, baby Yeah, I was in there with Sean And they were talking about porn And then YP came in I never met YP and I saw that ass And I had to excuse myself here baby yeah i was in there with sean and uh they were talking about porn and then uh yp came in i never met yp and i saw that ass and i had to excuse myself you had to just be like yo because listen i got a kid my kids i got my daughter's half puerto rican so her mom's like a smoking hot

like puerto rican girl and they have the same ass so i was like yp i'm gonna get you pregnant if you don't get the fuck out of here so that's's why, because when he walked in, I was like, Jasmine? Oh, shit. You're crazy, you're crazy marrying a Puerto Rican, or having a baby with a Puerto Rican girl. Well, the thing is, second date, you know, we were hooking up, you know, we hooked up the first night. We didn't have sex, just made out a little bit.

Second date, we just got it on, we got hammered. That's it. She got pregnant the second fucking date. Oh, wow. And, yeah. So you got that super sperm and the Puerto Ricans are fertile. Absolutely. So that's just a got pregnant the second fucking day oh and uh yeah so you got that super sperm and the puerto ricans are fertile absolutely it's a bad yeah it was brutal and uh but now well now well now that i'm my daughter it's all good but i mean in the beginning it's

like what the fuck am i doing because it's like you know my mother's like an old school catholic woman you know i had to introduce her four months later like ma look this is my girlfriend you know and she's pregnant and my mom you know first of all to introduce her four months later, be like, Ma, look, this is my girlfriend, you know, and she's pregnant. And my mom, you know, first of all, she's a great girl. My kid's mom, you know, she's got a tattoo on her tit, you know, like, so it's like my mom was just like, what the fuck is happening? And, and, but now it's like, we're like a beautiful little family, you know, but, and it's all good.

It's all, I don't regret anything. No. But at the time, I was like. Was there ever like an awkward conversation? Like, did you consider anything else? Well, no. Well, what happened was, is I was down. I was. God damn. No. But at the time. At the time. Was there ever like an awkward conversation? Like you could consider anything else? Well, no. Well, what happened was, is I was down. I was.

God damn. So she gets pregnant. Jesus. It's the second date. Who are you, my fucking Aunt Eileen? I'd be like. If it was the second date, I'd be like, I'd have an internal conversation. I'd be like, okay.

Yeah. It's. I might come out and be like, you know, we're going to do it. But I'd sit down and think about it. It's a combo for sure. Well, well, you know, she got, you know, she didn't know she was pregnant, obviously, right then and there. So we're, you know, hooking up, you know, a couple of months go by. I'm down in Tampa.

I'm doing shows down at Tampa. And it's September 11th, 2014. And she's like, hey, can I come down to Tampa? And I was like, yeah, sure, whatever. You know, I'm thinking like, whatever. Just have, you know, we're going to hook up more. I'm not even thinking anything. And she's out there getting fucking like she gets to the comedy club I'm on stage by the time she lands you know she was she was already waiting

for me by the bar and she was just doing shots lining up shots it's like oh yeah this girl wants a party it's great we'll have sex you know fun fun fun and then we get back to the hotel room and she's like look you know I'm drinking I'm having a good time she's like I came down here because you know I'm I want to tell you I'm pregnant but like we're not gonna have it she's like, look, I'm drinking. I'm having a good time. She's like, I came down here because I want to tell you I'm pregnant, but we're not going to have it. She's like, so let's just have a good time. I just want you to be there with me. When I take care of this thing, pay for it and be there with me and that's it.

Then I was like, you know what? Honestly, I was like, I know this is crazy because we don't know each other, but something in me was like, let's just have the kid. Let's just do it. How old are you? 34. I was like, I'll be there for you. Like, I don't know if we'll get married one day, but I will 100%, this child will change my life,

and I will be its father no matter what. Damn. Yeah. And that's some honorable shit. That's some honorable shit. I guess, yeah. But then I banged her sister. Yeah.

No, I've seen your stand-up. I was at the show where you do Chef, and you mentioned that. It's perfect. I can say whatever I want now. I'm like, talk to my Puerto Rican wife. That's it. Puerto Rican girlfriend. Yeah, because it's just like, you know, I mean, she's a badass chick.

There's a lot of great things about, like, for example, when my daughter was like seven, eight months old, she still had a pacifier, and we were living in this nice building in Park Slope. She got all those gentrified people over there. They're not used to people like my kid's mom. Those are the Puerto Ricans that live in Brooklyn. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We had this girl, one of our fucking rivals on the internet. She was doing some interview with the Washington Post, and she was like, yeah, I live in Williamsburg, but it's where the Puerto Ricans are. Like, some fucking cliche white disclaimer. Like, yeah, I live in Williamsburg, but it's where the Puerto Ricans are. Like some fucking cliche white disclaimer. Like, no, I'm not a hipster. I live with the Puerto Ricans. Well, my kids,

my kid's mom, she's from Sunset Park, which is like where the Puerto Ricans live in Brooklyn. But we were living in Park Slope, which is like, you know, where all the gentrified people are. So we're in the elevator. My kid's got the pacifier in. This woman comes in. She goes, ooh, seven months, still a pacifier? I don't know about that. My kid's mom hit the emergency brake in the elevator. My kid's got the pacifier in. This woman comes in. She goes, ooh, seven months, still a pacifier? I don't know about that.

My kid's mom hit the emergency brake in the elevator. Just fucking stopped it in between the third and second floor. And was like, what did you say, lady? And she was like, you could cause her fire in the emergency brake. She goes, what did you say? Say it again. Oh, my God. Now I know why you fucked her and kept her safe.

I love her. I was like, oh, my God. And then it fucked her and kept her safe I love her I was like oh my god and then it was fucking wild I had to like rub her back I felt like I was

always rubbing her back to calm her down because she was just getting 10 out of 10 furious at everybody and it's really hot but it's also I mean you know

I've had knives held to my throat that's the other part of it but it's all fun and games I'm here now woo yo that is the best thing I've ever heard

anybody who fucking comments on how you raise your kids deserves to have their face ripped off and their body set on fire. I was listening. This was maybe two months ago. I don't know why. It was on Z100. Whatever. One station and Ryan Seacrest was

talking about parenting and giving people shit. I'm like, dude, you're not a fucking parent. I would love to fucking field goal kick Ryan Seacrest. I just don't know why. Ever since I heard that, now it's just Switch. I'm like, let me fucking see this guy. Let me see this guy, and I will hit the emergency brake on the elevator.

Let me see this guy. I'm introducing him to my name. I'll fucking beat his ass and put a pacifier in his mouth. I can't tell you how many times I've put up a picture. I got two kids, and I put up a picture of them in the car seat. And they're like, the bar is not high enough on the chest. Why are you filming in the car? I'm like, I'm going to take my car, and I'm going to fucking hit you.

Yeah, shut up. People are annoying. Give me a fuck. People are the worst. That part I just deal with now. Social media, it's just people. They're psychos. A lot... People are the worst. But you just... Like, that part I just deal with now. Social media, it's like, it's just people. They're psychos. A lot of people are just bored.

They want to troll. Because you guys get it. Like, somebody will troll you, and then you hit them back, and they're like, oh, thanks for responding. Yeah, I'm a fucker. So it's like this negative energy, reverse psychology shit. So you just... A lot of people got mental illnesses out there.

What are you going to do? You know, you want to bust my balls about this, that, and the other thing, finally, just shut the fuck up about how I'm a parent, man. Yeah. I had, I went two for two. I had, I had zero sex for how many years? One kid. One time, boom, kid.

Right. Next time, boom, one kid. Right. It's crazy when it's just like, pow. Yeah. You're going to have one now. It's there. Yeah.

I mean, look, but having a kid, though, you know, I'll tell you what, being a dad now, it's like, I feel like I'm like the best version of me now because like all this extra trivial shit doesn't matter to me. It's like any break, any ex-girlfriend, any comment on social media. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. As long as my kids got her up to date vaccine, she's eating, she's peeing three times a day. She's taking, she's got at least one bowel movement a day she's good she's got play dates i don't fucking care say whatever you want to me as long as my kids out

there i just don't care the the the the biggest change is when you become a parent you say the bowel movement i don't think i ever said that word ever and you have a kid you're like did you have a bm my babies used to be like if you do a a BM. Well, I got an app for my kids, you know, preschool. So it's like, my kid shits in school at least twice a day, every day. And the teachers are like, your daughter just doesn't stop shitting. And she has like legit, like man-sized logs.

I'm like, yeah, I give her that little Metamucil. There was a girl when I was growing up, her name was Alexis Ruiz. Badass Puerto Rican chick. I was going to say, it sounds hot. Oh, yeah. I got chubbed up. This is when I was growing up. Her name was Alexis Ruiz. Badass Puerto Rican chick. I was going to say, it sounds hot. Oh, yeah. I got chubbed up. This is when I was living in the Bronx, and she was so badass.

She either had on the high-top Reebok classics or a pair of Jordans. She had the fucking nameplate necklace and the hair slicked down and back. And we were in fourth, fifth, sixth grade. Our tits were enormous, and she had an ass like YP. And I was just like, I mean, that's when I think I knew I was straight, and I became a man. You became a man. Yeah, well, no.

Dude, I. And she usually always said to me, do you want to get smacked? That was always her line. I was always like, mouth up. Do you want to get smacked? I was like, kind of. Yeah. Well, you know what?

I grew up in like Ridgewood, Bushwick area in like Brooklyn, Queens. So my family is all – my mom married my dad who is Italian. But everybody else, my mother's other sisters married Puerto Rican guys. So all my cousins who were all girls were all half Puerto Rican, half Italian. So you're basically Puerto Rican. Yeah. They were identifying more with the Puerto Rican side. So all their friends were these Puerto Rican girls.

And, you know, I was 15, 16, 17 years old. All the parties would be at my cousin's house who lived downstairs, and it was all Puerto Rican girls. And I was like that white fetish. They're like, oh, look at that little white motherfucker. And then so I started banging out these girls. And then next thing you know, like when I got, when I told my boys, I was like, you know, I'm going to have a baby.

All of them like, Puerto Rican, right? I know that kid's half Puerto Rican. I was like, you already know. You know what it is. You know what it is. And then, yeah. I mean, I'll have more kids, though. I mean, I just can't.

I would. I would do more. I got one in one. I'm fucking done. You got a boy and a girl. Yes. Perfect. See, to me, I had a girl first.

What's that? Millionaire family, they call that. Is that what it is? Yeah. You got a boy and a girl. Okay. Yeah. Well, I got to work on the million part, but yeah.

I mean, I had a girl first. Your hair is so nice. It's infuriating. It's fire. I'm actually mad. I want to fucking, I want to shave your head because it's just so nice and wavy. I just want to take, I just want to go like this. Just like a clip.

From the side, it's just the perfect, you have millionaire hair, you fuck. You know what happened? Star is Born came out. I saw Star is Born. And he saw the Jackson Maine hair. I'm going to get some Bradley Cooper hair. He saw the Bradley Cooper hair. You know how annoying it is to be able to, for someone to look at Bradley Cooper and say,

I'm going to do that, and then they do it? Yeah, yeah. I looked at it, I was like, I want to do that. I can't. He can just do it. You know what it is? He's a guy who's got leading man hair, best friend face. That's what it is.

It's so mean and so true. Better than having neither, though. At least you got one. I got leading man face, best friend body. I got best friend body, too. I'm just wearing a big shirt today. I got no friend body. You got canceled body.

Chuck, what's the wedding date show? The wedding date movie With Zac Efron Mike and Dave The wedding dates Yeah I got Efron hair And I got

Adam Devine Adam Devine face It's a good look though No girls like that shit We kept talking about How Bradley Cooper was like I'm just gonna sing And how it's annoying

The fact that you were just like I'm gonna have Bradley Cooper hair That's equally annoying Bang You fucking dick Thanks I'll take that How did you do that? Is it from the gummies that you eat, bro?

Oh, it's from my gummies. You doing CBD oil? No, no. Just hair gummies. Oh, hair gum. Okay. Because dude, I started taking CBD oil and my life, dude, I used to have anxiety a lot. My anxiety is almost at a zero now.

I stopped going to Catholic church and I started taking CBD oil. I think it was a church thing. When did you stop going to church? About three months ago. I was just like, I'm done with this. What the fuck made you go this long? I know, bro. I don't know. Because my mom's like a church thing. When did you stop going to church? About three months ago. I was just like, I'm done with this. What the fuck made you go this long? I know, bro. I don't know.

Because my mom's like a hardcore Catholic, so it was like instilled in me. So, I mean, my family's real hardcore, but I think probably like, it was like probably like seven Christmases ago, they knew not even to ask me anymore. Yeah. Like, are you coming to mass? I'm like, nah. Nah. Well, dude, when the New York Times article came out just two weeks ago of all the like

the priest like abuse cases in Brooklyn, Queens, I was like, I know four of these guys. There's no way I didn't get hit. There's no way I didn't get hit. I know I did, and it's just what it is. I got to just accept it and move on. I definitely got hit once or twice. Father Bill, shout out. It's wild how much people, like, not condone it, but they're like, boy, that's a shame.

But, like, let's go to church on Sunday. It's like you're pretty much supporting this. You want to be an altar boy? What the fuck are you talking about? Why would you do that? Read the news, watch movies, read books. Why would you let your kids be a fucking altar boy right now? No chance.

That's crazy. No chance. I wouldn't do it. But so since I stopped doing that, do a little CBD oil, I'm good to go, baby. What I think is going on, though, is I think you lost your anxiety. You're just high and you got rid of the church. don't think that's what it is that's really what it is well because it's like you know what it is like this i didn't realize like all the catholic guilt like basically what i figured out i mean people know this but i had to figure out for myself is

like all these times i would be sitting here with anxiety because i would do something wrong and then you think you're going to hell so it's like what you do here on earth places you in the afterlife and that's that shit that catholicism fuck like when you're a jew you just you can't be a better or worse jew you're just you're dead you're gonna die and you're going into the dirt and it's fucking over yeah there's no i mean i know technically it's like better be little afterlife but it's just i'm gonna be upset it's just not over you're good but here it's like oh if i don't fucking give that guy a dollar i'm gonna go to hell you know what i mean a homeless guy dom it's like no one of the first times we came i came to New York, we were on a school trip.

I just came with high school buddies. And my buddy was giving money to every single homeless guy I saw. And one of our friends was from New York. And he's like, what are you doing? Stop doing that. And our buddy's response was, oh, you're just a bad Catholic. And I was like, you're just a fucking idiot. Oh, yeah.

There's the bad human. Absolutely, man. They tell you're just a fucking idiot. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There's the bad human. Absolutely. They tell you if you jerk off. I remember that one of my teachers, Sister Elmeri, say if you masturbate, you're making the angels cry. I was like, Jesus Christ. Well, bro, the angels are weeping. Weeping. They are drowning in their tears.

Oh, my God. I used to light my belly button up. That was my move. Just jerk off and sploosh it right in the belly button. That's what I used to think it was for. It was like a dish to catch my own jizz. That's literally when I was a kid. I had no idea what else. What is the other right in the belly button. That's what I used to think it was for. It was like a dish to catch my own jizz. That's literally when I was a kid. I had no idea what else, what was the other reason for the belly button.

I mean, can you provide me with a better reason? No. Why else is it there? I got an innie. I would just leave it there. That's it, man. I didn't know what I was doing. You'd just leave it there?

I would just leave it. I mean, I don't know. You know, whatever I was, 12, 13 years old, I couldn't tell anyone. Actually, 32. I don't know. Those new points where they just get cummed on, like a't tell any. Actually, 32. I don't know. It's like those new points where they just, like, they get, like, cummed on, like, a walk around public. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a walk around public. Dude, the first time I ever, like, because I used to, like, jerk off, you know, and just get, like, that sensation, but no glue would come out. The first time I glued. Wait, what? Like, you know, like, when you would just jerk off before you had cum, you know, you would just get, like, a funny sensation.

Oh, that happened to me. Oh, yeah. But you would cum, but not that it would come out. Not that it would come out. Huh. So I didn't know, would climax, but nothing would come out. Nothing would come out. So I didn't know. I had no sexual experience. I had no sex ed. I was going to Catholic school where they don't teach you that shit. So the first time I glued, it came out and I didn't know what happened

and I ran to my Aunt Eileen. I was like, what's coming out of my penis? She's like, you fucking pervert. And she was just like, oh God. See, that's on you, bro, because even if you're confused and you don't know what's going on, you should not go run to your aunt and be like, what's coming out of my dick? Well, no, I was an anxious little kid. Apparently.

I was just a fucking anxious little kid. You needed the CBD back then, man. Oh, my God. If I would have had it back then, I got all these Catholic tattoos all over my body. Yeah. Scripture and shit. It's like, all I needed was CBD off. I didn't need to permanently remind myself about this Catholic virtues.

Did you wait to have sex? No, no. I had sex. I lost my virginity when I was a little late in the game, 17 years old. That's like standard. I was a senior in high school. So I didn't wait. The first time I came, I remember being like, oh,

I get it now. I didn't know what I was doing. There was something innate about like, alright, my hand is just going to beat this thing. But I don't know what's going to happen. I had so much anxiety when I was doing. There was something innate about like, all right, my hand is just going to beat this thing. But I don't know what's going to happen. I had so much anxiety when I was shooting blinks. Because it was like. I never did this. I didn't know it was a thing.

Kids would be talking about like comment and stuff. I'd be like, yeah, I know what you're talking about. Definitely. I know what you're talking about. That's the thing I do too. Yeah. Yeah. That's definitely something I partake in as well.

Yeah. That's how I learned about condoms. My best friend was like, you know what a condom is. I was like, yeah, but like, why don't you tell me so that you know. That I know that you know what it is. What it is. Yeah. That's how I learned about condoms. My best friend was like, you know what a condom is. I was like, yeah, but like, why don't you tell me so that you know that I know that you know what it is. What it is.

Yeah. And then he was like, it's a bag you put over your dick. And I was like, still don't get it, but okay. I lost my virginity at 17. I didn't put on a condom

until I was about 25 years old. I swear to God, it was like my first condom was at like 25. I just didn't even think to do it. That's backwards, man. I was just getting the clap. That's crazy.

You never put one on. See, like, we've talked about it before. I jerked off with a condom once. Really's backwards, man. I was just getting the clap. That's crazy. We've talked about it before. I jerked off with a condom once. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple of times. I was just feeling it out. Interesting.

Seeing what the thing's all about. It takes a long time, by the way. I didn't. Yeah, I didn't. Now I use condoms. Now it's like I won't. Now you use condoms. Yeah, now I use condoms. If I'm having sex with a girl, I just use a condom because it's like I don't want to.

I guess I got a lot to lose now. I mean, you know what i mean if i get a disease or somebody else pregnant i mean i'm affecting my kid's life but before i had a kid i was just raw deezy all day it's just what i would do i just didn't even think twice about doing it's like why you know what i mean why am i because i used to think about it's like if i got to put a condom on with this girl i might as well just jerk off it's the same thing but if i want to like feel a vagina then you got to go raw daddy and yeah so yeah that's see i'm always i'm more about i don't want to get you pregnant than i am about std i don't even interesting because i also just don't i mean i've never known someone to have one yeah that's the thing it doesn't exist in my life i don't think i'm really ever fucking around anybody that i'm like i genuinely have to worry this girl's dirty. Yeah, well, I had chlamydia

twice, and it was... There's our first, do we know? But it's not... I'm not gonna fuck Chris. It wasn't that bad. I mean, he's ripped his Z-Pack, right? Well, yeah, no, I had a couple. Well, the thing was my boy's an ER, an emergency room doctor, and so, you know, I just woke up today, and I was just dripping. My dick was just dripping, and I was like... What does that even mean? I don't know what that

means. It was just like fluid was just coming out of my dick. I was like, what's going on? And so I called my boy. I was like, I'm dripping over here. He was like, he worked at Staten Island Hospital. It was the ER attending at Staten Island Hospital. So I came out there and he took a look at my schwang and he was like, and he was like,

yeah, it goes pee into this cup. So I peed into the cup and he's going to take the cup to the lab and he comes back and he goes, do you think that this is hotter than normal urine? Feel it and i felt it it was scalding like i had to move it from like i just took it out of the microwave like that he goes he goes you got a real sickness my friend and i was like i was like what do you mean he goes i don't know what that is but that's not normal and you have an infection in your urine and i was going away for a week to go to minnesota so he was like look we don't urine. And I was going away for a week to go to Minnesota.

So he was like, look, we don't have – it's going to take a couple days to analyze this. He was like, I'm just going to – they call it a shake and a shot. They shot me in the arm with this in my deltoid. It fucking hurt. Like they do it on purpose, I think, to be like, don't do this again. Remember to glove up. They hit me with the shot. There wasn't even anything in there. They're just stabbing you.

They gave me the shake. It tasted like Pepto-Bismol so it wasn't that bad and then I would say 3 hours later drip gone, everything gone but the problem that he said with that is people are like oh yeah chlamydia is not that bad but obviously herpes everything else

he told me if you have chlamydia and you go out there and fuck your immune system is down so you could potentially get something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, I don't, you know, you don't learn. Because I was like, oh, because the greatest feeling in the world is to know you're STD-free.

It's like, wow, I got nothing. But because I always want to hurt myself, I'll only be STD-free for max 10 hours. I want to raw dog someone immediately because I feel like if I don't have conflict in my life, then I'm boring. You're boring I'm boring nothing going on so I subconsciously do it

but I know that about myself now so that's why like you know if I'm having sex with a girl now I just put on a condom so you are single

like you have this baby with this girl but you're still fucking around and see I would be very afraid of a Puerto Rican girl that had a baby with her

and I'm just like yeah I'm fucking raw dogging these other girls I just feel like you get slapped around a little with it. I'm just like, yeah, I'm fucking raw dogging these other girls and shit. I just feel like you get slapped around a little bit. Well, no. I mean, we're great. We're like, we've supposed to. There's a good agreement.

I don't live there anymore. I got my own place. She's got her own. We co-parent. And it's good. I mean, look, I would love to get back with my kids, Mom. That's just the easiest thing. It's great.

But it's just, I don't know, it just doesn't work. Yeah, I feel you. I'm trying to figure out this co-parenting thing right now. It's hard. Off, you know, it's just, I don't know, it just doesn't work. Yeah, I feel you. I'm trying to figure out this co-parenting thing right now. It's hard. Off to a rocky start. Well, because sometimes it's fucking great. Sometimes, like, I can't believe, like, how easy this is. Like, we're just, like, best friends that have a child together.

I'm like, this is awesome. I fucking wish. But then it's like that usually lasts about Monday to Wednesday. And then by Thursday, she's like, you fucking piece of shit. She's, like, throwing, you know, she's just, I can't even step in the house. She's like you fucking Piece of shit She's like throwing You know she's just I can't even step in the house She's like here's your daughter

You know I'm like I don't know what the fuck's going on What did I do? Yeah I didn't do anything Nothing changed Maybe she listened to me On the radio That's it

I know what that She listened to this I know that's what happens With me Yeah man that's good to know though Cause sometimes I'm just like Testing the water Like what's it going to be today?

It's like, wow. I think I fucking wave. The only way all my friends who have been divorced or been in a situation like ours with their co-parents, it only gets better when the woman gets with another guy. So the thing that we hope doesn't happen is the only thing that's going to make our life easier. So it's like you just have to get over it. Once she gets with another, and that guy is, because then all that energy is on him. It's all on him. It's not on us anymore.

It's not on us anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because like my movie, trying to set up your wife. Yeah. Yeah. Good luck. Real life. Movie real life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's the only way. Like my kid's mom, she had a son from a previous relationship.

And that kid's dad, her son's dad told me once, dude, he'd like just out of nowhere. I was dating my kid's mom. He just came to pick up his son. And I was like, hey, you want to come in and get some water? He goes, no, man, I just want to say thank you. And I was like, really? And he was like, yeah. He's like, my life is so easy now because of you.

I really appreciate this, man. He's like, all the stuff you did for my son, that's what he was like yeah he's like my life is so easy now because of you I really appreciate this man he's like all the stuff you did for my son that's what he was phrasing it as but I know it really was you're taking that off of me yeah she doesn't yell at me at all she doesn't fucking care about me

it's just about my kid you take all my bumps for me you tell me everything because initially it hurt initially he was sending me DMs like you fucking piece of shit but then it's like when he realized

how easy his life was because I was getting the brunt of that energy he was like, dude, thank you. I'm like, I'll fucking send you to dinner. I'll send you away. Dude, let's switch baby mamas. That's

it. You know, like you get with mine, I'll get with yours. Boom, problem solved. I do like Puerto Ricans. There it is, bro. She's smoking hot. My baby gets off. Let's switch it off. We can solve each other's problems right here on the show. What do you think of that? I'm going to be in so much trouble

when this airs. Well, whatever. You can edit it out, I guess. I'll be like, yeah, listen, you already hate one fucking idiot who blabs too much on the radio. I found another one for you. What are you going to do? All we got is this. I mean, who cares? It's 2019. know people are gonna try to take us down we might as well just fucking say what we feel for real dude i feel that let's do some of the voicemails here we have people

call in it's like a pre-recorded uh call let's do uh pretend to be gay hey kfc um i'm just calling in to give you some advice um my best friend has a gay best friend who we've known for a past year. He's super gay. And he all of a sudden comes out of the bar with us. We've known him for a year. And he starts crying to us saying he's in love with my friend, my best friend. And he says he's pretending to be gay. and all of a sudden he literally becomes a straight guy he has been pretending to be gay for a year and we have changed in front of him done all of the things like he's acted super gay for a year but secretly he's straight um and we just all don't know what to do and how to deal with this because we have

all of our classes with him and we literally have to be around him all the time and he pretends to be gay just to... The dude's gay. You think so? No one straight pretends to be gay for a year. For a year is a long time. I mean, for a night is a long time to pretend to be gay. That's some method acting. That's some Daniel Day-Lewis shit. Like, you committed to the

role. Yeah. I think if you can do that, you're fucking sick. Like, you're a manipulative, sick fuck. Well, like, what's the goal? What's the goal? Like, get close to the girls. She said he was in love with one of the girls. But, like, wouldn't you just try and fuck them?

Yeah, I was going to say, because me, you, and him, yes. But some people out there are super desperate. It's much easier to get close to a girl in a romantic fashion as a straight man. I don't. Right. I think if you got, like, no game and don't know how to talk to girls and all that shit, and you can just be like,

like it's, it's almost like the ultimate getting friend zone, you know, your friend zone. You're like, but I'm, but I get to talk to her and she's giving me, she's taught,

you know, I'm around her. So whatever. Well, this is like the extreme version of that. Like I get to be even closer with you and around you even more. Cause it's like some Mrs. Doubtfire.

Yes. Right. Right. Right. Which by the way, I was like, uh, Reddit on the other day, had like the theory like, I can't believe we thought Mrs. Doubtfire was the hero of that movie.

Like, it's like a deadbeat dad dressing up as a woman to trick his wife into letting him see his kids. And we're like, what a romantic, what a heartful story. Like, Pierce Brosnan was just a nice guy. He was a great guy. And they fucking, Mrs. Doubtfire ripped his emblem off his car. He didn't do shit, but a heartful story. What a story. Like, Pierce Brosnan was just a nice guy. He was a great guy. And then fucking, Miss Dalfar ripped his emblem off his car.

He didn't do shit, but loved the kids. Could you imagine that's why Robin Williams killed himself? He started thinking about what a scumbag he was and Mrs. Dalfar was like, I can't take this. That's a movie

that doesn't survive today. It doesn't make sense. It's a great movie, though. It's a movie that's 10 out of 10. It was probably my favorite movie as a kid growing up. Oh, yeah, me too. But the,

like, it was one of those things where it's so obvious, but I'd never thought about it like that. You just think about it the other way. He's a horrible person. Yeah. Pierce Brosnan, the only thing wrong he does that entire movie is be handsome. Yeah. There's nothing else evil about it. Yeah, he's legit.

If you're willing to dress up like a woman and do that stuff, you should not be allowed near your children. Like, you should. The judge was right. You can't supervise visits. Sally Fields, fuck. But this is the real life version of that where it's like it's sick. It's twisted. No, no.

He has no chance with this woman. No. I mean, you should go to fucking jail. This is crazy. This is pre-crime in my mind. You're capable of anything. Guys do sick shit like that all the time though. Like I never believe a guy with like a British accent in a bar who's like, oh, hello.

It's like, you know, like the guy who – Scottish and Irish, I'll believe. Like, the guy who came before he's got an Irish accent, I'm like, he just sounds brutal. Like, he's like, oh, hello. But if you've got, like, a fucking Pierce Bronson British accent, I'm like, I need to see your license. I need to make sure. Prove to me that you're born in London. Yeah. Because guys do that shit all the time.

I got a boy who does that. He's just British accent, and then he works for JetBlue. He does the bags. He's a baggage handler for JetBlue. He tells girls he's a pilot. And then it's like when they start asking questions, you know, like, he's fucked. It's like, you know, any pilot stories, he's like, he doesn't know. He's like, I don't know.

I fell asleep in the baggage. I landed a plane on the Hudson once. That was cool. You ever seen Air Force One? Yeah. But to answer the girl's question, you just have to cut this guy out of your life. Oh, absolutely. Either he's gay and confused and has to go figure out his own shit, or he's a psychopath.

I was going to say, you need to cut him out of your life for your your safety because this is hinging, to me, a mental illness. He's very close to a diagnosable mental illness if he's not gay and just pretend to be gay. If you're capable of that, you're capable of a lot worse. Imagine you thought someone was gay for a year and they just start weeping in a bar. I'm actually straight. It's like, what the fuck was that?

Yeah, no. I'd punch that guy in the face. Oh, good. Bam. Because you can be straight for a long time and then realize you're gay. But once you realize you're gay, you're gay. You're not coming back to straight. You've made a decision. So, yeah, this guy's a psycho. You got any gay friends?

I keep thinking about my friend that maybe I did a co-hosted podcast with. He came out after like 10 years. I'd be like, what the fuck? Why didn't you tell me a long time ago? Well, no, I got a few. What the fuck is that about? This is like the second show in a row I've just caught a ricochet shot for nothing. You don't have hair like that unless you're fucking thinking about smoking some cock.

That's what it is. That's some dude. Gay guys would go, they want to run your fingers through that hair. Any gay man if they saw your hair right now, they want to get those fingers through that hair. I shampooed this morning for the first time. It's just blowing in the wind.

There's no wind in here. It's just in the back. It's just like moving. It's just perfect. Give me shit in public. Nice. KFC fights Super Bruiser BC. I just found out

that my girlfriend doesn't wrap the seat toilet paper when she shits in public. She just sits. Is this a deal breaker? Am I dating an absolute psychopath? Just wanted to hear your guys' thoughts.

Thanks. I don't know why your girl's shitting in public. Yeah, who does that? I don't take shits in public. I barely take shits in the personal office. Only if it's a fucking emergency in my city. I think of, I mean. Why are you just talking about this with your girlfriend?

Yeah, I don't like any of that open. I don't like talking about it. I don't like farting in my city here. I think if, I mean. Why are you just talking about this with your girlfriend? Yeah, I don't like, I don't like any of that open, I don't like talking about it. I don't like farting in front of people. Like, like I think you need to,

like I don't care. When people are like, oh, we're so comfortable together, we like fart in front of each other. I'm like, well, that's,

that relationship's going downhill in my mind. It's too much. I don't know. I mean, I don't think girls should be shitting in public. I think you girls

gotta hold it. Yeah, that's tough. And if you do, you can't be talking about it. You can't be like, yeah, I shit a Panera the other day. It's that's tough. And if you do, you can't be talking about it. That's the bigger issue.

I shit at Panera the other day. It's like, why? Why are you telling me? Yeah, no, I can't deal with that. A girl shitting in public. I don't know, though. But again, I don't know because I was in the delivery room with my kid. Did you go below the wall?

Because I didn't mean to, but I did. And it was bad. Well, here's what happened. My daughter was coming out, and her mom was like, look me in the eyes. Do not look down there. And I was like, absolutely. At the last second, as my daughter was coming out, her nails, my kid's nails clipped the vagina. And so blood started going onto my shoe.

I had no, I just felt my shoe get wet. So I looked down and I was like, there's blood on my shoe. And then I looked up and I was just there. And it was brutal, man. You can't unsee that. The guys who willingly go below the wall just like, curiosity? Those people should be locked up.

That's crazy. I mean, you gotta see some things you can't unsee. I got a different relationship with shit now though. You have a girl too, right? It's like I've cleaned shit out of a vagina. Yeah. So it's like I know what happens down there.

Right. But, again, you don't need to see the whole— I don't want to hear about— You don't need to see the vagina, like, going to battle. No, no, no, no. But shitting in public, I just— I mean, I know it's got to happen, but, like— No, I'm not—

It's not funny. I don't like that humor. Yeah. It's like, listen, girl, you should probably put the nest down, but you also probably should hold it until you get to home. i don't like that humor yeah it's like you listen girl you should probably put the nest down but you also probably should hold it till you get the home i don't do the nest though i've nested that's too much time no like i said when i shouldn't public it's a fucking emergency i don't have time to nest yeah right right i also i mean i'm not like a germaphobe type i'll just fucking sit right down yeah i wipe the seat down like you know but what am i gonna do

i don't hover i mean I don't think I physically could. It's like planking. I don't take enough rumble boxing classes to hover. It takes a long time. Give me groomsmen. What's up, guys? I just got the biggest bomb show of all times.

And I got invited to this wedding and I really times, and I've gotten by this wedding. I'm like really, I don't want to go. And I found out the person who's getting married wants me as his groomsman. I really have not spoken to him since maybe I've moved since June, and he wants me to be his groomsman. And his future wife hates me and he wants, she wants to put a heel up my ass. What do I do?

Like a direct quote. Right. That's a strange thing to say. She said, I want to put it together. Go to a wedding or do. Can you say no to a groomsman invitation? I don't think I've ever heard of someone saying no,

but it's a valid question. Yeah. I don't think I'm literally a groomsman in my friend's wedding in 48 hours. Like this weekend, I'm a groomsman in his wedding. This is your first time as one. No, I've been a groomsman in my friend's wedding in 48 hours. Like, this weekend, I'm a groomsman in his wedding. Is this your first time as one? No, I've been a groomsman before. But this one is tough because it's a huge commitment.

We got to get the wedding Saturday at 3. We got to get there at 7 o'clock in the morning and start taking pictures. What? So it's just like, and, you know, it's like a lot. Like, you know, you got to buy your suit. You got to, you know, the tux, everything. Give this dude a gift. You know, it's like there's the bachelor party.

It's like, it's a commitment to ask for a fucking group. Hotel, travel. Especially now if the wife hates this guy. It's like, you can't say no. But I mean, it's brutal. I mean, yeah, you're just fucked. Especially, I mean, he hasn't talked to the guy. But you can't go to the wedding.

It's like, I just can't make it happen. Oh, right. You're either in or you're out. I think that's what he said in the end. He's like, can I still go to the wedding? He's not being like, no. You either can't go to the wedding. It's like, I just can't make it happen. Oh, right. You're either in or you're out. Yeah, I think that's what he said in the end. He's like, can I still go to the wedding? He's not being like, no. No. You either can't go to the wedding.

Right. Or you just got to stick it out. Yeah, I don't know. You can't say no. It's supposed to be like an honor, you know? It's not. It's not, but it is. You know, it's like the perception is.

I agree with you. It's not. I don't think I would say no to anybody, even if I was like, you hate me. I hate the girl. Like, we don't even talk anymore. I don't know why you're asking me, but I would be like, okay. It's not that they haven't talked in that long. He said June. I thought it was going to be like they haven't talked

in 10 years. I haven't talked to my best friends in 10 years. Honestly, I would do it as long as I don't have to dance on my intro into the wedding reception. As long as the bride doesn't want to do that, I'm in. That would be actually my only question. Does she want us to dance on our intros? If the answer's yes, I'm'm out if it's no i'm

in i mean it's just so such a stupid thing that this this the wedding i'm going to they wanted us to learn a dance i was like it's just the thing is it's not going to happen you know what i mean i'm doing that that's actually well then yeah then i'm out like i'm a man set my way it's like you know i have a career i'm doing okay i just don't need to do anything i don't want to do anymore so i'm just not going to do that. Right. I'm sorry. I'll be the guy who's –

I'd rather pledge allegiance to ISIS than fucking dance on the intro in your groomsman wedding. Give me Freaky Friday. We'll do one more here. Good on KFC. Fight Superduty to BC. So I got a hypothetical for you if you could like Freaky Friday situation with any person in history

so it's kind of like a Freaky Friday thing but also there's some time travel involved I'm uh hi so like basically if you chose like George Washington for example like you go you're George Washington in his time, in his body, but you still got, like, your mind and shit. But also, like, in present time. So, switch bodies, one historical figure, but, you know, it's your current brain.

I wouldn't want to switch bodies to any historical figure because my current brain is a lot shittier than theirs, and they were pretty important. You want the full switch. Well, I just – You want to become them. Out of respect for the current state of America, I would not switch with George Washington because guess what? America doesn't happen. Well, for you, Friday. Like across the Delaware, I'd be like –

It's a quick thing. It's a quick thing. Is he saying like you just – you get to live a day in the life of seeing the world through George Washington's eyes kind of thing? Yeah, it's like for you, Friday for you, Friday is usually like a weekend before lightning strikes and you come back. Yeah, even then, I'd probably ruin the American Revolution. You know what? Butterfly effect.

Pretty quick. From that period, you know who I'd like to be is Benjamin Franklin. He fucked. Fucked. He also got a lot of chlamydia, though. Yeah, well, syphilis. He died of syphilis. They say, like, at the end of his life, like, his penis actually was decaying off.

So it's like a guy did it until his dick fell off. It's hilarious. It's a true American patriot. Red, white, and blue. But he used to literally, I love history. He used to make conventions, like make up reasons to Congress to have to go to France for like some diplomacy shit, but it's just because he had so many bitches out there.

And French bitches, fuck. Yeah, he was just on the boat. You know, because you weren't just like going to France. Like you had to go to France he had so many bitches out there. And French bitches, fuck. Yeah, he was just on the boat. You weren't just going to France. You had to go to France, like two months to get there. Right. So he would just fucking, it was all, like he would do work out there, but it wasn't necessary. But he was just banging the shit out of everybody.

Sounds like gas. Yeah. He's a boondoggle. He's got a boondoggle going. Yeah. So you would switch with Benny? I think I'd switch with Benjamin Franklin. I'd like to see the world through his eyes.

Yeah, I would say. But the only thing about that is, like, I'm always hesitant. We always do these kind of hypotheticals. You go all the way back in the day, and it's like barely running water, no electricity. That's the thing. Even these chicks that you're fucking, they have, like, hair. Full bush.

Yeah, you know, it's like a different time. And if you have your brain, if you have their brain, that's all you've ever known. But if you come back from 2019 where everyone's like waxed head to toe Instagram thoughts and all of a sudden you have like a revolutionary war chick, it's like, nah, I'm all set on that. You know what I'd actually like to be? I'd like to be Freddie Mercury pre-AIDS. That's a fucking sick little life he's got going on.

That would be sick, you know, do that live aid concert, 100,000 people. He doesn't have AIDS yet. Anybody who lived, any like rock stars that time like post they invented the pill, pre-AIDS, free love, good time to be alive. Good time. Mick Jagger

in the 50s, that'd be sick. Good time. I don't even think I'd want to do that. It would be too exhausting. I'd be like, I gotta fuck six girls tonight. He's the laziest man alive. No, man. No way. But like, when we were thinking about it, JFK would be fun, but that wouldn't even be

like, fuck Marilyn Monroe. I just want to be part of the spy game, like sneaking them out. That's the fun part to me. I think I would do a little Rat Pack action. But I wouldn't be Sinatra. I'd be like, because I'd want to watch Sinatra in action almost. You know, I'd be like the, you know, the Margot member, you know, and I'd get all the runoff, but get to watch everybody in action.

Go Rat Pack. I go Rat Pack a lot. Rat Pack's a good one. That's my favorite picture of all time. Sinatra getting off the helicopter. Super fire. Super fire. Classic pick. History buff though huh i love history i got a podcast the history hyenas we go fucking wild for nature and history no shit i swear to god me and this guy yannis

pappas who's getting married this weekend um another comedian yes history hyenas and uh we yeah we just uh we talk about all types of crazy shit, history, nature, whatever you want. It's just a funny, fucking silly podcast we got. Shit. Yeah. It's like one of those things like you can learn about history, but also we're comedians, so we're not taking anything seriously. But I just know a lot of random shit about different times in history. And we always get very specific.

We'll do an episode about this specific person. Like, two weeks ago, we did Jack Johnson, who was the first black heavyweight champion in, like, 1910, and he just used to beat the shit out of white people. Yeah, beat up the white Jews. Literally, he would just beat the shit out of white guys and bang their wives and girlfriends in a time where you could get killed for that.

Right. And he was just so good and so above everybody else that nobody cared. They were just like, yeah, I mean, you're just the best. I mean, he was just so good and so above everybody else that nobody cared. They were just like, yeah, I mean, you're just the best. I mean, he would literally, if you go watch his fights, I mean, beating the shit, like beating the shit out of these guys. And he was like be talking to the corner guys.

He'd be talking to women in the crowd. And I mean, the heavyweight champ, back in the day, the heavyweight champion just had to be white. So none of these white guys would fight him. But Jack Duzda was just beating the shit out of everybody. But then when he finally got the title shot, he went to Australia. Six months they had to go on a boat from New York to Australia. And he just fucking, I mean, literally three rounds in, he just knocked, he almost decapitated the white heavyweight champ.

And it was just like the funniest, it's just so funny to see a guy dominate like that. But, you know, we talk about all his escapades and he's jacked, he's just a fucking jack guy. That's good stuff. We should do something more interesting. We should talk about dicks. No, but it's fine. We talked about Jack Johnson's dick.

People say, because people, when he would fight, they would say that they thought he had, like, something in his pants. He did. He did. It was his cock. Then, you didn't know about Big Black Cock yet. He didn't have Pornhub yet.

They thought he was cheating somehow. They thought it was some rod in his pants, but it was his piece. He would just light guys up. Did you hit me with a lead pipe? That was my piece. We're talking about Jack Johnson's cock, history, hyenas. Interesting stuff. You're also going to be at the Sacramento Punchline. March 21st to 23rd, so if we're talking about Jack Johnson's cock, history, hyenas. Interesting stuff, man. You're also going to be at the Sacramento Punchline, March 21st to 23rd. So if you're out there in Sacramento or if you're in San Antonio, March 29th to 31st.

So late March he'll be in Sacramento and San Antonio. When does this come out? Probably next week. Oh, next week. Okay. Right? I don't know. We're a little backed up right now on interviews, but we'll put it out there.

So thank you, man. Appreciate it. Thank you for having me, boys. Thank you very much. Alright, big thanks to Chris. You know, can't say enough funny shit about him. I think the fact that he's a New York guy too. I feel like

I was like, I know what you're talking about with these hot Puerto Rican girls, man. I feel you. I get it, dude. That was an interesting idea when he was going to have our baby mama swap. I'll date yours and you date mine and we'll be good. He was sitting there like, well, it sounds like yours is pretty hot. So maybe it's a good idea. Maybe this will work.

A tattoo on her titty? Take it. Take it. All right, let's get to. A tattoo on your titty? I'll take it. I'll take it. All right, let's get to... Throw a tattoo on your titty. I'm not ready for that. Puerto Rican with a tattoo on her titty will slap you in the face so fucking hard. Trust me.

Danny DeVito time. White Whale is here. The interview was all that we expected in multiple ways. He did... So this is in multiple ways. He did. So this is for Dumbo. He's promoting Dumbo. He's doing a Disney movie. So Disney and KFC radio.

Interesting. Not a match. Not yet. Not not exactly the ideal match. And so we obviously start riffing about Frank Reynolds and always sunny. And your boy, Danny DeVito, he started telling some tales that Disney was not fully comfortable with. So we have some footage,

some audio that will be getting aired at a later date. I'm not sure where. And just so we're clear, when we air it, it has nothing to do with Dumbo. No association at all with Dumbo. So, I mean, it's a funny interview regardless, but there was just a few things that I just want to let the audience know will be coming later that was gold.

It was about a Always Sunny script. The only time Danny said no. The only thing that he has ever said no is Frank Reynolds. He's done. And think about the things he's done. Like, he should have said no to a lot of them. He didn't say no to anything except this. And the way he told it was absolutely funny.

There was also a Mary fuck kill in there. So there'll be, there'll be a couple of bits of, of audio coming out at a later date. But for now, uh, KFC radio, Danny DeVito crossover brought to you by so weird.

Like before the interview, I was like, what are we doing here? I couldn't, I mean, that it was one of those things. Like before the interview, I was like, what are we doing here? I couldn't. I mean, that it was one of those things like I can't believe how far it's come. Not only did we get it, but I was kind of like, all right, we can do this. Like I wasn't nervous. I wasn't like there was a part before the interview.

He was sitting in his seat and I was just like casually leaning against the wall. Like I was the cool kid in high school. They hitting on a girl doing and I was like just like chatting with him. I was like, dude, you're talking to Danny fucking DeVito. Yeah, like hitting on a girl. What are you doing? And I was like just like chatting with him. I was like dude you're talking to Danny fucking DeVito. Yeah. Show some respect. What are you doing? And it was it was wild. He was I mean he was the kindest person ever. He's the best.

We talked about in the interview like how you've been famous for 40 years. How are you so well liked? How are you universally liked? And you do the interview and you understand why. It's brought to you by 23andMe. You live in a world where you have access to data on absolutely everything, right? We're looking at our YouTube data. We're looking at our Twitter followers, our blog hits, all information.

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23andMe.com slash KFC. That's 23andMe.com slash KFC to get your health and ancestry kit today. Learn more about yourself. Danny DeVito. What up? All right, let's do it. Here we go, man. This is a big one for us, Danny.

We like it. This is a big one. Very, very, very big. You are our white whale. We're going, baby. We had our previous white whale was Glenn Howerton, And we got him in here. Oh, that guy. Yeah, that guy. My buddy boy. He's my little baby

boy. You wouldn't know it, of course, but he's my baby boy. It's like really incredible. Look at all this stuff. So how you guys been? We're doing well. Not as good as you. I mean, Dumbo is out.

Dumbo's big. And it's a big one. It's a monster. It's a beauty. We like Dumbo very much. Yeah. So when did you see it? I saw it on Tuesday.

Tuesday. I saw it on a little screener. It's like really something, doesn't it? It's really, really, really well done. I mean, you are. I actually, like I was kind of telling you before the interview, I'd forgotten the story, really, because I hadn't seen it since I was so young. And in the previews, it kind of opens with you screaming at Colin Farrell to fix the ears.

And I just thought you were going to be the bad guy. Oh, yeah. Because of that one that was in the trailer. Yeah, well, this time, see, we got Michael Keaton playing a bad guy. See, in Batman, I was the bad guy. And now Michael and I switch roles. Yeah, so you got the whole band back together, really, right? Yeah, we got Michael Keaton playing a bad guy. Right. See, in Batman, I was the bad guy. And now Michael and I switched roles. Yeah, so you got the whole band back together, really, right? Yeah, we got it.

Tim, you, Michael, doing another, like, weirdo movie. Tim's a weird guy, huh? I'm a weird guy. I'm a great guy. He calls you, say, what the hell are you doing, man? Let's go. What? Dumbo?

I'm in, baby. Well, listen, you saw Big Fish. Yeah. It's a similar part. Right, very similar. Yes. Except in Big Fish, I was It's a similar part. Right. Very similar. Yes. Except in Big Fish, I was a werewolf.

And I got to show my butt. We've all seen that tush, man. We've all seen that butt, Danny. We'll talk about it. We'll get to it for sure. I mean, when you get the word that you're doing a Disney live action remake and you basically know it's just going to, like, make a billion dollars. You know, there's no nerves. There's no like, oh, well, you know, you want to make it right. You know, you got to do it right.

I mean, Tim's very, very, very sensitive about stuff like that. He's an artist. You know, you give him a subject matter. And no matter what, you know, he wants to do it the right way. And he does add so much to the to the story i mean it's all the whole idea of uh the the themes of the the good themes out of the dumbo movie that was made in 1941 you know the whole thing of xenophobia and separating the mother and the kid and all that stuff that hit you home hit home with you when you're watching the original movie, you know,

and how it's all about finding your feather and, you know, what's going to give you the confidence to get through life. And all those things, you give it to Tim and it turns into like that. Plus, you know, it just gets thrown into the stratosphere and, and he paints with, you know, people and color and, you know, and he got that Danny Elfman stuff going on and, you know, it's like, just, it's just so beautiful. I love watching them work.

I feel like one of his, uh, like you're in part of his paint box, Colleen Atwood, just the costumes are just like off the charts. Dumbo himself is the cutest thing in the whole world. Well, the thing is also that, you know, you're doing the movie three months in London. You don't see that. You don't see the Dumbo at all. So you're dealing with like a big green frame with, you know,

aluminum frame for the, for Mrs. Jumbo. She comes in. No, no, no animals in the movie, except for just,

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the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, real pool and a snake i i stayed away from the snake i played with the doggies but is it nice to be on you know the live action it's so tough because you you see what's happening with aladdin where people are not happy about will smith and it's nice to have the uh didn't i missed that i was i don't know what i was doing but i missed that whole idea uh but the the the thing about uh our movie is um what you know dumbo is you can't when you well you saw it you didn't see that when i saw that elephant

for the first time i mean he just melt me look at his eyes they do it so well these guys thousands of people work on the movie right you know you don't get to see that stuff until the very end i saw it like three weeks ago i saw i i you know you just know you're in good hands yeah you do when you first started in in the 70s did you ever see this level of technology going into this stuff no no no no early days like the most you did well in matilda like for instance i did a thing with the where the carrot goes, you know, stops. Stops the carrot, turns around, goes in her brother's mouth. You know, like, that's all. That was the carrot on a, basically on a stick.

Letting the magic out of his head. Wow. It went behind the curtain. I blew it. Now you know. And then, you know, you do the, like, little speed it up a little bit and do the things like green screen stuff we did every once in a while, but never anything like now. It's I mean, you've been doing it for so long. You've been you've been famous for so long now, like 40 years of fame.

Right. That's crazy. It was 1978 when Taxi went on the air and the day before right you know you go anywhere you do anything you want and then years ago of course you guys weren't even born there were three networks it was abc cbs nbc so you had a share of audience and everybody does now too you have a share in radio you have a share in, you know, TV. And but those days were so little, so many fewer things on. Our lead in was Three's Company. Three's Company had something like a 40 share.

We wound up with something of 45 share on a Tuesday night. Just monster numbers. something of 45 share on a Tuesday night or that means that 45% of the people that own televisions are watching your show. That's a crazy number. Yeah. So then the next day, okay, you do the show. It goes on the air that night. Well, you know, we did it a week or two before it was on the air, whatever. We're still doing new shows but the next day the very next day when you walk outside it's a whole other ball game everybody sees has seen you on that show and you're like you know all of a sudden like

thrown into like this incredible other worldly thing where people, people always stared at me when I was a kid too. A little guy, a little rough around the edges. What is this walking into the room? Yeah. The Jersey guy, right? The Jersey guy. Yeah. I don't know.

And, you know, you always put on that tough front, you know, that thing. But after taxi, it was like, you know, and I guess the good thing is that, you know that thing but after taxi it was like you know and i guess the good thing is that you know when it as long as it keeps going you don't worry if it stops then you well i mean i mean danny for most people most people who have a good run it's like a quarter of how long you've been around i mean you know you're around for 10 years or whatever and you're happy you have had staying power like unlike anybody. Would you say you're... Sonny was like

13 years ago, so come on. Would you say you're more famous... When were you at the height of your fame? Is it the cult following now or was it kind of when you had the 45 share back then? No, I think now because see, with the Sonny fans, my precious Sonny fans, they do things like, you know, make shrines of me and bathrooms and all kinds of, they like the trash man and people run around with rum ham tattooed on them and stuff like that.

I dig that. Yeah, incredible. Really cool. Did you ever think that that was going to take off the way it did? Well, I always knew that Rob and Glenn and Charlie and Caitlin were just the best from the very beginning to work with. And Rob and Charlie and Glenn are really three of the sickest people I know. And so they keep the show in a kind of a stratospheric kind of like guessing what was going to happen. So how did you get into the show?

I'd heard I've heard rumors that it was your kids liked it and they wanted you to do it. John Landgraf, who runs FX, sent me eight episodes. I think it was six or eight. They did a bunch to just to look at it, say, you know, what my two cents in. And I really dug it. I thought it was really clever, unique, you know, put my two cents in. And I really dug it. I thought it was really clever, unique, you know, and the guys were really fun. And Caitlin is adorable. And I thought it was a really good premise in the bar.

And then about, I don't know, three, four months later, they called and said, would you consider, would you think about being on the show? And I said, if it's organic character, if it's not just Danny DeVito going in and doing a thing. And they wrote the part of Frank and they, you know, I was like, all of a sudden I had two kids. Didn't look anything like me. My wife turns out to be a whore. It's like really good. You know what I mean? It's like, I understand that.

That works, you know, and then you get it. Organic, you understand that. That works, you know? And then you get it. Or get it, you know? And also, you know, the thing is that Frank has this unlimited bank account. You can just dig, dig, dig, dig in. It's like, he's like the duck in, you know, the what's it? Scrooge McDuck? Scrooge McDuck. He's swimming in it. He's swimming in dough.

And he doesn't mind spending it, but he loves living in squalor. He loves living with Charlie because we play nightcrawlers. Come on. Until you've done that with Charlie, you don't know. You can't go. Once you've done that, you can't stop. It's just like one of those. You look forward to the clock ticking.

We usually start around 1130 at night, 12. How long does nightcrawlers go for? It can go on. It can go on a bit. A good session just starts to linger into the wee hours. Is there any, Frank and Danny, like, are you, is any part of you, like, look, I've been famous and rich for so long, I kind of want to live in Squalor right now? I don't want to live in Squalor. I know that.

I do. I mean, I do. I see the, I'd like to be with two famous. I just do live in squalor. Okay. No, it's like, you know, that's all make believe just on television. What's in real life is worse. No, seriously.

You look around, you know, what's going on in the world. Well, yeah, that's for sure. Yeah, that's for sure. I mean, out of the characters you played, though, let's say you have to pick one character to actually be your real life. Let's go Penguin, Matilda's father, Frank Reynolds. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Definitely the Penguin. I mean, that character is so disgusting.

He's got the fins. He's eating the fish whole. He's just gross good raw fish and power frank is uh it was so the frank character yes i feel like is so depraved and disgusting and crazy and weird but yet you as you know you are kind of you know you're the veteran of the crew of actors i feel like you know you maybe were like a fatherly role in a way but then but then the role you play is so fatherly figure those people that's how screwed up they are well you could be

the fatherly role and then you pop out of a leather couch naked and it's you know you're not going to look at that guy as your father anymore please i mean i remember uh that like it was yesterday of course i remember the look on caitlin's face what the holy shit she couldn't even say her next line there's a real good clip on on the internet somewhere where it was the first time i came out of the couch and I come out going, it's hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. That's my line. Hot, hot, hot. And she's got a line and I keep going, hot, hot, hot.

And she's just staring at me. There's this one moment and the director goes, cut, cut, cut. Stop. Because she wasn't, oh, is it my line? She was just like mesmerized by the halibut of it all. Was that a one and done? Or did you do that several times?

That's the thing about it. You know, when I read it, I thought, well, this is going to be okay. I know everybody. I get out of the couch naked. They grease me up. But now you got like all the background actors. The whole room is full of people. Christmas party. Christmas party.

I got to get out of the couch. I did it like four or five times. Do they see you crawl back? My ass is out there four or five times. I keep walking down the hallway. How tough is it? You come out all wet. How tough is it to be like, I got to get back in.

Crawling back in. Oh, man. No, going in the back again. Well, you go in the back of the car going in the back again well you go in the back and the cats they put the new whatever it is to fix the couch the prop guys and everybody and all the crew is getting a kick out of it they're having a ball

watching me do it and after a while I liked it I wanted to do it a few more times it was kind of fun does that scene even give you pause? Were you like, oh, boy? Or was it just like, fuck it, let's go? Just do it.

Fuck it, man. I do it. Do you ever think that you'll win an Emmy as you deserve to? How come? No, because then you got to put on a tuxedo and you got to go to the thing. Oh, you don't want one. So you don't want an Emmy. If you got nominated or won one, you got to go.

You know, I guess you got to go. Let me just say this. If you ever do, you should just go as Frank Reynolds. Don't put the tuxedo. I would definitely go as Frank Reynolds. I'd be in a really big, big car. I have a lot of hookers. Ladies of the evening.

Sausage in the pocket. Have some sausage and an egg. Eat an egg during the show. Pondy sitting shotgun. Bring him along with. Nice. Have some fun. Do you feel like, how much more do you think you guys got in you?

How many can we do? I mean. Well, we know we're going to do one more season because that'll like break the tie i think there's a we're tied now for some longest running i don't know there's a show i can't remember even the name of it but they talk about it so we'll do one more season and then you know if they would like to do another one i i'm certainly fine with that i love i love going to work it's like a lot of fun they always come up with all kinds of crazy things to do. And I like, you know, wear the black pants T-shirt and I go to work. It's easy, right?

Easy peasy for you. Yeah, easy peasy. Yeah. Easy peasy. A lot of fun. What do you think about the way Rob and Caitlin got together and the onset romances that are there? Well, we got like, you know, we got a lot of babies. Mary Elizabeth, who played the waitress, and Charlie, and they have a beautiful baby boy, Russell.

And then Caitlin and Rob, they have two gorgeous kids. You're like Grandpa Frank? Yeah, once in a while. I mean, I go in and scare the kids every once in a while. You know, it's like Marlon Brando in the tomato patch. Try to stay alive, though. Yeah, yeah. Let's do that.

Let's make sure you do that. What would you say is like your fondest memory? Yeah. Or what do you mean? Ever? Yeah. How's your whole career? I mean, you've got a lot to pick from.

Yeah, I got a lot of things. I'm a really lucky guy. I mean, most people, I would imagine they land a role like Frank Reynolds, and that's their peak. But you? I had a really good time making Matilda. There's a lot of kids, you know, so it was like really, really fun. I like that. I like that idea.

What's Miss Trunchbull like in real life? She's great. Oh, man, she's terrific. I used to be terrified of that. She used to be. The cake scene in that movie was a real problem for me. I threw you in the chokie. You sick pups.

Oh, man. Yeah, that was fun. And let's see. Like I said, it was pretty iconic. It was really fun. Dumbo was, you know, got the classic. You know, the let's see. I worked with Arnold.

He was fun to do. That was good to do. How about let me ask you this. I feel like you are maybe the most universally loved person ever. I don't know about that. Do you have any enemies? You don't think so? Every time Danny DeVito walks in a room, everybody's like, I like that guy. I appreciate that.

I like you guys. Thank you. Very nice. We like you, but we're not unique. Everyone likes you. I've never talked to one person who was like, I can't stand Danny DeVito or that role of Frank is terrible. I mean, never. Not once. Good parts.

I don't know what to say. Stay humble. What's the key? What's the key to it? You do your work. You want to do what you want to do and you do your work. You stick your nose to the grindstone and have a good time i have a fun

i have fun with everything i do yeah it seems very apparent yeah you can see that you know it doesn't seem like you guys are even acting yeah yeah i feel like you do have a bunch of vietnamese people in the basement and you're working them to the oh they're down there they're still down there do you have your gun on you i got my gun i got my gun and egg. Where's the fire? He comes in guns blazing. I thought the episode that was making a lot of waves recently was the one where Mac did his performance. Yeah.

But I think you in that scene with your nose and your face just getting increasingly swollen and more and more bloody was so underrated. I kept hitting the goddamn cut. And it just got more and more swollen. Plugging it with newspaper. Yeah. You play with lemon. Those spicy chicken wings. God, they're crazy. Do you think there'd ever come a time where you'd say, you know, I'm all done with Frank.

Even if they want to keep going, are you going to keep going? No, I keep doing it. I love it. I love doing it. Yeah, there's no two ways about it. Frank is my buddy. I mean, you know, my pocket, my pockets are deep and I love paying for things for them. I mean, I wish we could sell some more beer in that bar.

I don't know. Make ends meet. Maybe that's how you guys wrap it up. Patty's becomes wildly successful. It's the hot spot of Philly. And then nobody can take it anymore. Well, we really appreciate you coming through. It was really good being here.

Thank you for all the laughs throughout the years. And Dumbo is out. Iconic movie, iconic role for you. You can do it all, huh? You can go from Disney down to, you know, naked in the couch. Let's go, man. Thank you very much, Dan. Okay, thanks a lot.

Thank you.