KFC Radio - Danny LoPriore Interview || KFC Woke Up Crying After a Nightmare About Sally Field

Episode Date: August 11, 2022

(1:00) Kevin confesses that he woke up and had the biggest mental breakdown of his life in the middle of the night. John pauses that and brings up some stuff he saw on the dark web. (19:24) KFC thinks he's going to die soon because the Mets are doing so well (22:09) John learned the lore of an irish fishing town (32:36) The KFCR Book Club (53:46) Possible the grosses AITA to date - Husbands Jar (1:16:00) AITA - Breaking Bad (1:25:35) Voicemails (1:51:17) Danny LoPriore Interview Catch live show tickets here: https://linktr.ee/kfcr Gametime Download the Gametime app at https://barstool.link/GametimeApp and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Shady Rays Get 50% OFF 2+ pairs of Adult Non-Prescription Sunglasses at https://barstool.link/ShadyraysKFC Roman Get $15 off your first order of Roman T-Support at https://barstool.link/ROMANkfc Manscaped Get 20% off + free shipping with the code KFC at https://https://barstool.link/ManscapedBSS Revitalyte Pick up Revitalyte Black Label today in-stores or online at https://store.barstoolsports.com/products/revitalyte-black-labelYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. KFC Radio live on stage. Come see me and Feidelberg perform. You can catch us in Washington, D.C. on September 29th. That's part of the Ocean's Calling Music Festival. You can come to Caroline's back here home in New York on October 19th. And then we're going out to the West Coast. You can see us Denver on November 11th. You can see us in Phoenix on October 19th and then we're going out to the West Coast you can see us Denver on November

11th you can see us in Phoenix on November 10th and then we'll finish off the West Coast tour in Los Angeles on November 12th head over to the KFC radio social pages click the links below for tickets in your city today alright I feel bad I want to hear more about your breakdown

sorry don't bring up fucking Demogorgons in your asshole. If you don't want to be talking on the Barstool Sports Network. You started this a little early. Wait, I didn't even change it. I didn't change my shirt. Oh, okay. There's a sale going on at the Barstool Sports Store.

Oh, yeah. They didn't send me any of my colorways, so I don't have that stuff. Back's a sale going on at the Barstool Sports Store. Oh, yeah. They didn't send me any of my colorways, so I don't have that stuff. Back to school sale. We got Sad Boy season shit on sale. We've got a full restock for both of our sneakers, Sad Boy 1s and the Moon Man 1s.

We've got our team subtitles shirts. These are... Subtit subtitles have officially taken over the fucking world you lost if you are anti-subtitles you lost the revolution is complete subtitles have taken over the world we are team subtitles

here if you are I don't know if you've been paying attention to the internet this past week or so some stuff's happened and there's a war brewing in America and that war is subtitles vs no subtitles. We have definitively won that war. You want to be on the right side of history. Right side of history right here, team subtitles.

My parents use subtitles now. Can I tell you the best evidence I've ever seen for team subtitles? Our friend Ross Bolin was talking about that same article, the one that said four out of every five adults now in this generation use

subtitles. And he was like, fuck that. These producers and directors, they don't shoot in 4K, 1080p with all the coloring, blah, blah, blah, visualization for you to read the words on the screen. You know what his video complaining about that had?

Subtitles, motherfucker. Subtitles. Subtitles make everything better. It's easy to understand. It's easy to remember. Team subtitles are here. We said it what, a decade ago? Oh, at least. At least, because I remember the beginning of Game of Thrones was like 11, 2011.

And that's when I really started it. I started with Peaky. That's when I really got started it. So I started with Peaky. I really got into it. So, yeah, but I mean, that's we're talking about a decade ago. So we've been beating that drum and there was a lot of naysayers in the beginning. And now I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, we're getting to the point where I might have to be anti-subtitle soon. Because everybody's team's subtitles. I want to be the one out of five.

Fuck subtitles! Not me. I'm a stalwart over here. I love them too much. I mean, we are like, what's it called? We're like the forefathers of it. We're like the cornerstones of team subtitles. Yeah, we'll get a lot of credit for starting a lot of stuff we started.

This one, we're taking it for this one. And you know what? Probably the least meaningful one. Let's take credit for that one. Let's make sure we beat that drum. So we got the team subtitles. If you're a Jets fan,

we've got throwing bombs, banging moms. We've also got, for Moon Man, I got a new Henley, a new Hoodley, and a new waffle thermal shirt out.

I know it's like 6,000 degrees, but the fall is coming, so the weather will turn and you'll need those clothes as well. Let's get into it, though. I had a full breakdown. A full one. Probably top three of all time.

When? Last night. What time? In the middle of the night. Oh. I woke up bawling my eyes night oh I woke up bawling my eyes out you woke up crying? this was crazy

hang on you woke up mid-tier yes like you woke up crying well it was about it was like nightmare induced so yes but like

that's this was bad dude that's some of the most depressing shit I ever heard about this was bad this was see so I always cite

the 27 year 27 breakdown. That was my first ever breakdown. But that's like child's play now. You know what I mean? Like when you're going through shit at 27, you think it's a breakdown because you haven't had anything bad in your life really. You know what I mean? And there is some validity to it where you're like, what am I doing?

Where am I going? What is my life? But like you don't have bills. You don't have kids. You don't have spouses. You don't have divorces. You don't have just years of fucking wear and tear. So that happened, and I always cite that breakdown.

I probably had a breakdown around like 17, 2017, 18, when everything was going on. I can't really remember it, but there had to be one in there. Yeah, I don't remember a full breakdown. That was just a long... Letting the air out of the balloon. What? Just letting the air out of the balloon. Yeah, yeah.

I'll be honest. Making some fart noises. This breakdown might be from... This might be the... Really? I don't know. It was wild. I have been having intense nightmares for a while

now I wake up in the middle of the night once a night every night in a full panic and have to like calm myself down to get back to sleep I listen to a book or you say things a lot like there's it's kind of a trope I feel like where like people say like oh I don't like being alone with my thoughts it's all

dangerous part and everyone not everyone says it but a lot of people say that and i don't believe them you've been saying it quite often and i believe you wholeheartedly you say it with conviction you say with your chest my motherfucking chest i say that shit i talk the talk i walk the walk uh every night i wake up like and i'm like freaking out about everything and then i have to like just distract myself rather than address any of the issues. And then last night, and I had these nightmares where I know they're a nightmare and I'm trying to

like get myself out of it. Ah, God bless you. Fuck you. God, fuck you. God, New York's hottest club. We'll talk about that in a second. And then, and so I had these nightmares where i know it's a nightmare i'm like get out of the nightmare and i just can't do it so this i had this nightmare last night that was probably comically on the nose like

there were like characters like that were just doing the exact things in my life that like are causing me stress or was like, oh, like I don't need to Google what this one is, you know. But there was a Demogorgon at one point chasing me that when he caught me, he like was like in my eyeballs and my nose and my mouth and like up my dick and up my ass like just ate me alive there was um i think because i'm hosting surviving barstool this week all of it was happening on a reality tv show like nothing was up your ass you went on my ass which also might be some symbolism might be some symbolism there as well can i take a quick road turn real quick? Yeah. I saw a porn star's Twitter feed the other day, and she was on a website called Hentide. Have you heard of Hentide? I mean, I can guess where we're going with this.

She's a real person, just tied up by hentai stuff, like coming in and shit like that. It wasn't my thing. Wait, wait, hentai's cartoons, though. Yes. So they made it real? It was those type of like post-it posts. Yeah, tentacles. And someone was like operating them or something? I wasn't my bag. Wait, wait. Hentai's cartoons, though. Yes. So they made it real? It was those type of like octopus, yeah, tentacles.

And someone was like operating them or something? I don't even know. I'm going to see if I can pull it up real quick. That's fine. Let's pull up Hentai real quick.

Yeah, let's just interrupt the therapy session to talk about Hentai. While we're there, somebody sent me a video and was like, you've got to show this to the guys.

There was just another bald guy shoving his head in some girl's pussy. Oh, I've seen that one. I'm like, they've seen that. I mean, come on. I do love when people find things like that on the internet and that the first thing they think of is us.

That makes me feel good. But just know, my friend, that I watched that in about 1999. That was some Y2K shit, I think. Please go on with your breakdown, though. What a sentence um usually usually when I've had

moments like these I am alone in bed I was not alone in bed oh good first of all good for you so I was congrats

oh my goodness I woke up let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see

let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see let's see Hentai let's take a break pause for station see I fuck with this though

this is some shit like look at that one that girl's dead that girl's been killed by a monster she's just dead and covered in cum that's one I saw That girl's been killed by a monster. She's just dead and covered in cum. That's the one. No, no, no. I saw. I saw. Is this all one video?

Oh my god, this girl's going for gold. But they're real people. I was like on her. I usually I don't like Click on it. Click on it.

Bitch, dude. Hentide. Yeah, see, I usually don't do the fake cum stuff. When you first do the fake cum, when you're like 15, you think it's cool because it's like, holy shit, there's so much cum. See, now that you're in the cartoons, we're not in cartoons.

I want to see the real one. Go to Pornhub and type in hentai. That's what you did, John? Yeah. Because that was the real deal. Yeah, those are the ones that I'm seeing there, yeah. Yep, yep, yep. All those tentacles.

It is outrageous. It's crazy. It is crazy, dude. This is alien fucking porn. Get off the screens. Turn me on. Put it away if you don't want to see me cum. Get out of here.

I'm getting hard. You said it so funny. Like, come on, get off the screen. Like, let's be rational. Get off the screen or I'm going to have to jerk off right now. You want to see me crack it right now? All right. I feel bad.

I want to hear more about your breakdown. Sorry. Don't bring up fucking demogorgons in your asshole if you don't want to be talking about the porn I watched last night. That's on you, bro. It's just funny because I felt it in my ass.

You know those dreams where you can feel shit? I felt it in my ass. You know those dreams where you can feel shit? Like I felt it in my ass. So I wake up uncontrollable. I mean, George Costanza wept like a baby. And usually I'm just alone for these things. Thank God. And I can just, you know, all right, we're going to ride this out.

You know? And so this guy next to me wakes up. This guy takes the tentacle out of my ass. Wakes up. So she's like rubbing my back, kind of like, oh my God. And I am,

I am now at the point where I, so i'm sobbing like uncontrollably for like probably a couple minutes now i'm starting to laugh because now i i've never actually been unable to stop like if i've ever had if i really like get my like my emotions like take over i i will like let it out for a minute and then i'm like okay all right yeah enough you're crazy yeah like like this is this is not helping anybody let's just relax i couldn't i couldn't stop it so i was like all right like i i just gotta ride this out and then i just keep crying so now i'm like kind and also i'm i have this bad cough so i can't breathe i'm laughing and cackling while sobbing it was like a whole weird bunch of

noises probably you could hear them on hentai.com one of the characters this is so crazy and lame and weird and i need i still don't know what it is yet one of the people in my dream who was like the focal point of it, was actress Sally Ride. Was actress Sally Ride? You know who Sally Ride is? No. She's in Mrs. Doubtfire. She's the mom.

You know actress Sally Fields. Sally Ride. Sally Ride, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a feeling. Who's Sally Ride? She's an astronaut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sally Fields. Yes, yes.

Billy Joel, yeah. Sally Fields. What the fuck is that about? Dude. But she was is that about? Dude. But she was a central part of it. Then when I was awake, like, I calmed myself down. And if I just started to think about Sally Fields again, floodgates again. Really?

And then I'm really laughing. Because now I can make myself. Like, if I just, like, stopped and started thinking about the podcast, I'd, like, calm down. Then I'm just like, Sally Fields. And so now I'm thinking, first'm thinking I, first of all, I'm terrified to go to sleep tonight, but I'm also like, I'm going to see Sally Fields again in my dream. And I'm gonna, uh,

I'm going to have to get to the bottom of what Sally Fields means. I mean, now I'm thinking it's not really a dream. Now, now, now I got my tinfoil hat on and I'm thinking this is like a message or something in the form of Sally Fields. Excuse me? Yeah. Like, I don't know. Good rip, Jeff McNeil.

Get down. Get down. Fuck. I think. You know, like I think that it's a, I think that it's like a, maybe it could be from a higher power. Maybe it could be from a supernatural. Maybe it's just whatever you believe power. Maybe it could be from a supernatural. Maybe it's just whatever you believe in.

I don't know. I feel like we talked about Sally Fields pretty recently. Did we? I definitely saw an MFK with her. It was all... It was your fucker?

I'm not lying. Yes, it was a fucker. I did choose to fuck her. This is a genuinely real reaction from him. He thought that was like, well, you know, we did do that M I did choose to fuck her. This is a genuinely real reaction from him. He thought that was like, well, you know, we did do that in MFK.

Yeah. No, I don't know if you participated in it, but like... I did not, because I would have not. It was like... It was all the Aunt Mays of the Spider-Man franchise.

Oh. So it was Taelione, Aunt... Sally Fields, and then the old one. And... Not Taelione. We're messing up our names. Marissa Tomei. Marissa Tomei. Marissa Tomei. Taelione. Tony, Sally Fields, and then the old one. Not Taylor. We're messing up our names. Marissa Tomei.

Marissa Tomei. Taylor Leone is that other girl. So, yeah, it was an NFK between the Aunt Mays. And, yeah, I fucked Sally Fields. You married Marissa and you killed the old bitch? Killed the old bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the Aunt Mays really fluctuate in age and hotness.

The first one was like 85. Which is what it should be. It was like his great aunt. And the next one's like this hot piece of ass Marissa Tomei. It's like, what the fuck's going on here? But that makes more sense as your aunt. I don't think it's supposed to be his great aunt. It's just supposed to be his mom's sister.

So it makes no sense. Is it that? I thought it was like his parents were dead and it was like... That one they might have been like, let's make it a great end. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like... Well, anyway. What do you think Sally Fields means, man? I don't know enough about Sally Fields

other than I'd like to fuck her. Given the option of the three. Aunt May's. Spider-Man. But the Mrs. Doubtfire. I also would just straight up fuck Sally Fields in her heyday. Yeah, oh, yeah, of course. It's not that I

have to compare her to the other Aunt Mays. She could get it in her prime. Yes, I mean, Sally Fields is awesome. Sally May now. I want Sally May. We're on all sides. That's the mortgage company. No, that's the fucking... College loans. Right, that's the fucking, uh, Sally May college loans.

Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. Um, this motherfucker spelled it wrong. Um, um, it was just so funny though. I hadn't had a, uh, a, a, a breakdown in a while.

So I just, I think my body just needed to purge some shit. Because I was like, all right, enough's enough. And it just wouldn't stop. What time was this at, you said? Three in the morning. Three in the morning. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

And then I was able to go back to bed for a little bit with nothing bad happening. Isn't that the best when you're just crying like a baby? Fuck off. Is that it? I thought there was going to be like a, and then you feel better. No, you're just crying like a baby fuck off is that it that was fucking I thought there was gonna be like a and then you feel better

no just nah I just fucking love crying like a baby I kinda get like I remember there was a time it's like when Ellie worked here

and she was like we like girls cry everyday I was like you guys are fucking nuts like every single day you cry and all the girls

were like yeah you gotta have your daily cry like it's a daily shower and I was like this is fucking nuts you know the way you feel after the way you the way you feel after you cry

is the way you feel after you puke when you've been drinking I can go back to the party there's a puke and rally at the party there's a cry and rally in life where I was like alright I'm ready to go let's do the podcast. Time to work yet? Let's go. Clock it in, baby! Kevin Kletze!

This'll definitely help! Let's go back to work! Let's go back to the job that causes all my stress! I'll definitely relax! I think I probably take two cries a year. Two cries. I cry all the time. I tear up at fucking... Movies and shit. I mean, I cry all the time. Like I tear up at

fucking movies and shit. I mean I'm talking. Fetal position on the couch. Neighbors calling the police. Balling, sobbing, weird noises. Yelling. Tarzan shit. That kind of shit.

When I'm sick and you kind of just lay on the couch and just moan. Like that's going to make it better. You sound like a motorcycle hitting new gears. It is. It's great. I'm very jealous of you. I think I'm about due for a cry.

I haven't had a breakdown in about a year. Oh, you're overdue. You said it's a semi-annual thing. You're six months behind. Yeah, exactly. I might even be nine months behind. It's usually – I feel like I read that myth recently that tears have toxins in them

and that your body is actually getting rid of some chemicals. It's not true. Yeah. It sounds great. And I was like, oh, wow, that's awesome. Like there really is some benefit to crying. It's like sweat is just your fucking fat crying. Is that a Final Burn original?

No, it's like a meat head shirt at the gym. I always know the one sweat is pain leaving the body. That was the no fear shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've never heard fat crying. That's better for us people who aren't full fucking losers. But I read that and I was like, oh, there's like a physical, tangible benefit to crying. Like, cool.

And then that's not true. But placebo, as long as you think it, as long as you believe it, it's true. It's a brain baptism a it's a um it's a brain baptism it's a cleansing yeah there we go a lot of religious overtures it is hanging heavy today a lot of religion talk uh all i know is that i'm pretty sure that bad things are coming for me because hell yeah because Mets are the best team in baseball. And I've been asking for this. I've been asking a higher power for this for 35 years.

And I think he's given it to me. And now I think it means I'm going to die. I think I'm going to die before the World Series. I think the Mets are going to win the World Series this year, and I'm going to die. That would be unfortunate. I'm going to die like game four or five of the World Series. How up to date is your will?

For real, I don't have to make one. I absolutely have to make one. If you're waking up in the middle of the night screaming, crying, you got to make a will, brother. Let's just make one right now. Who do you want to give the will to? Yeah, okay.

Let's do that. Just clear edits in the podcast. You know what? I'll put... I'm going to put the homies in the will. Yeah? For not like a lot, but I'll have a section... That's a mistake. I'll have, I'm going to put the homies in the will. Yeah. For not like a lot. But I'll have a section.

I'll have a section like per the homies. And what I'll do is I will bequeath the money to you and you have to decide who the homies are. Okay. It'll just be capital H homies. Kevin famously says he doesn't have friends. But it'll say three. You have to give it to at least three homies. Oh boy.

So that you need to... You can't keep it for yourself and be like, I'm the only homie. You know I wouldn't do that. I'd give it to everybody else. You'll walk away with no money. I think he had four. I think he missed one. Everyone else

can have it. It's fine. At the end of the will, I'm going to tell the executor or whatever it's called. I'm going to be like, I need a section

for the homies. He's going to be like, what the fuck? After going through all my... I hate when fucking assholes get rich.

Exactly. He's got the kids here, the family here, these people, not these people, this over here, that over here, and now he's asking about kids here the family here these people not these people this over here that over here and now he's asking

about the fucking homies it makes my job so hard when funny people make money yeah I mean he'd probably love it he's like I'm gonna get to write so many extra hours

for this oh god absolutely I'm gonna get scammed left and right this is gonna get challenged a million times in court. It says, duh, homies, he wanted. Can you imagine being on the other side?

Your Honor, it says, duh, homies, with a D, A, and a Z at the end of homie. This needs to be thrown out immediately. What kind of crazy shit are you allowed to do with your will? Because can you be like, upon my death, put up this billboard that says, like, fuck this guy. I think so whether or not that gets like executed by you know a living person is up for grabs but um i think that we can do all sorts of shit bro this is kind of on the same page my buddy just got back from ireland and was telling he went to the Aran Islands. Can I tell you a little bit about the Aran Islands? Do tell.

Absolutely lunatics. Absolute lunatics who live there. The Aran Islands are where? Aran Islands are in Aran Islands. Right, just off the coast of Ireland. They're like little cities though or they're like uninhabited islands? They're inhabited islands.

People live there. But when british ruled what they what they did there was they they uh this makes sense because we're talking about uh is like passing down wills and stuff like that they made a rule that um the oldest did not get the property anymore all the property had to be divided up between the sons, therefore shrinking everyone's property and keeping them out of power. Right, right, right, right, right. So now it's like... You know who made that? Middle child.

Yeah. It is on rock, so they had to basically dig into rock to make grass and all this kind of crazy shit. But now there are these beautiful islands that there's a law now that you cannot sell your home on the Aran Islands to anyone who is not

from the Aran Islands. Because they talk about killing the market. Because they, and I quote, don't want to turn it into Nantucket. Okay, that's fair. But also, it's a vacation place or a year-round place? It's a year-round place. Because Nantucket's clearly a vacation place.

But people live there year-round. They're very depressed. But they live there. Yeah, I'm just saying that like... It's a year-round place. The people who live there have a year-round place. Because Nantucket's clearly a vacation place. But people who live there year-round, they're very depressed, but they live there. Yeah, I'm just saying that like... It's like Martha's Vineyard. They all have horrible addictions,

but they live there. The only reason you live on an island is year-round. There's no schools or restaurants or anything, but they're there. You live on an island year-round if either you

or your parents were running from something. Yeah, that's so true. That's a great point. God, I'm going to live on an island. But this is all to say that – so the Aran Islands – you know like the Irish fisherman's sweater kind of deal, right? You know, like a cable knit kind of sweater.

Yeah, sure. So the Aran Islands are a very superstitious place. And it's a fishing town, obviously. It's an island. It's a fishing town obviously it's an island it's a fishing village and for decades centuries maybe they wouldn't learn to swim because they felt like that was they took it from the sea to get catch fish and all that the sea takes back sometimes so if it took you and that was so big but they also spent so much time on the water

that they thought that learning to swim would just be prolonging the inevitable once the sea wanted you back. So it's more painful. I get that. It's better to just die.

If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. There's also just a thing called going for a swim. Every time you touch the water, it doesn't have to be a death-defying act, but okay. I swear to God, these dumb, drunk Irish people. It's so embarrassing.

Name the most, like, who's the smartest Irish guy in the world? I don't know. The only one who's super rich and successful, he beats people up. He just got there by beating faces in the rest of it there's no there's no smart Irish people but

there's no smart Irish people I I'm gonna well we're Irish Kevin so and are we smart goes against our argument um

I don't know what I was trying to say but the uh what they would do is they'd like they would have familial patterns in their like cable knit sweaters yeah almost like a like a crest so when you not a crest but like it would be like an interesting almost like a snowflake got it where like there aren't two kind of patterns got it so when you washed ashore they could identify who you are yeah well

fucking dumb drunk people smart not smart okay smart. Okay, smart. That is smart. Hey, hey, instead of just learning how to tread water, let's create these intricate sweaters so they know who we are when we're dead. As I understood it, like, our age people on the Iron Islands know how to swim. I figured that was one of the old generations. But their parents, their grandparents, they don't.

Nah, I'm not doing that. Maybe their parents know how to swim, grandparents definitely don't. That is such an interesting thing. Like, when you think about the world and humanity and shit, for as advanced as we might think we are, you know, some of us are living in the metaverse and shit. There are still generations alive that won't learn to swim because they think the ocean is alive and coming to take them. Yeah. Like we're not that far removed from some crazy shit bro like

i learned the other day that um there are people from the holocaust a lot right i learned the other day people from not slavery but like from like you know pre-civil war just recently i think within the last like couple years a person the last person receiving like government benefits from the civil war died what it was like he was born his father was like had him when he was like 84 or something like that so and he fought in the war at like the youngest age possible and then what time it was i think it was up north. Let's hope they're good guys. And then he lived, let's say he was like 18 in the 1860s. And then, yeah, read the math here, right? It's like he was born, yeah, Irene Triplett. So his parents were born in, his parent was born in 1846 and lived in 1938 the

other parent was born in 1896 and lived in 1967 so and yeah they died at 90 so it's like if you just think you do the math like i fought in the war when i was young i had a kid you know 60 years later we're into like the 1900s that kid was born they lived to be like 100 you're into the 2000s you know and this was an extreme case you have to be at the very beginning of the war like the youngest possible i'm sure they were fighting when they're like 12 and then you have labor laws laws went around back then you have a kid when your last sperm can swim and then they have to live until they're like 200 but we're you know

if you're playing the game of telephone or whatever you want to call it you're getting back to the civil war if you think about the presidents we're only like a few presidents deep it's like kind of fucking crazy so I think that's another one like the last like a few presidents deep yeah yeah you know it's like kind of fucking crazy so um i think that's another one yeah like the like the last if you if you do like uh washington's age to this age

this age it's only like four or five presidents like overlap the whole time it's crazy wait what do you mean i can't remember exactly what it is but it's like it's you know what george washington lived to be like 80 and then this guy lived to be oh i see and you can connect you know trump to this guy and there's only like four in between it's you know we're you know it's not trump's still your president huh that's my guy let's be honest let's be honest you don't have to be a trump guy to to be like joe biden name president you see him try to put his jacket on the other day yeah but yeah but i gotta be honest i do that fucking twice a week like that's again not an argument for him but like i bro i get my jacket tied up all the time i get my jacket i got my jacket tied up i get my jacket tied up so often i'll go i'll

just wear a different jacket today i get my jacket tied up for like the first seven seconds that he did and then it went like another like 15 seconds he also though was doing it because he doesn't give a fuck like he was kind of like he was looking at something you know and he was kind of just like where are we where's that fucking seat and you know he's like i don't want to fucking do this it was more it was more out of like indifference and apathy yeah then like i don't know how to put on my jacket jill you know he was just like i don't want to fuck i i would be like i'd be like i'm just gonna start a new trend i do one arm can you fucking imagine being president how much that would suck being present right now would blow dick imagine doing it 40 years from now like these motherfuckers are. Oh, no. Like, in their late 70s,

pushing into their 80s. Like, I'm gonna be shitting in my bed. I'm gonna be, like, doing hard drugs until I die. These guys are out there, like, doing the worst job ever, looking like corpses flying around and doing, like, laws. Like, come on.

It has... Fuck, out of here. There's no positive to being a president. I don't understand why you'd do it. Anyway, the reason I brought up the Mets before because I said I was going to definitely die because they're playing so unbelievably well. If you are in the New York area, go watch the New York

Mets. You're watching the best team in baseball. I know that's hard to say with the Dodgers and the Astros still around. I know. I don't even really truly say with the Dodgers and the Astros still around. I know. I don't even really truly believe it yet, but when it's all said and done, when DeGrom and Scherzer get cooking and this offense just keeps rolling, it's,

it's, it's going down. So if you are in New York or if the Mets are on your schedule, I'm telling you go watch them because they also play like fun baseball where you'll see like six hits in an inning and they're stealing bases and like manufacturing runs and all sorts of fun shit. Squeeze plays, not just waiting for the home run. And the best thing about it is you can get in the building using at the lowest prices possible right up until the second of game time. Right before first pitch, someone needs to unload the tickets.

They'll be like, all right, I'd rather get five bucks for them than zero dollars. So here you go. You can get in the building right now. Yankee tickets, Red Sox tickets, Braves tickets, Mets tickets, all 15. Yeah. How about this? They put the Yankees. Maybe this is just a Barstool thing, but they put the Yankees, Red Sox,

Mets, Braves, and Cubs. A couple of these things are not like the other. But whoever your team is, GameTime can hook you up on those deals. Download the GameTime app. Go to the Account tab. Create a login. Redeem code KFC for $20 off your first ticket purchase terms apply download game time last minute tickets lowest priced guaranteed do they have the concerts on there

too robbie got all any sort of lives which has been sold out since it went on say like rage against the machine wow he got to see them last night that's dope it was like five nights they put on sale they all yeah they got it all. Concerts, comedy, MMA, whatever live entertainment you got. You can come to our shows. You can probably just get those tickets yourself. Or you can get them on Game Time. No, no, no. Get them on our website first.

Those tickets need to sell first. We got tickets available in D.C., New York, Denver, Phoenix, and LA right now. So that's going to take us through August, September, October, November. So if you're in any of those cities, head over to the KFC Radio social media channels and you'll have all of our tickets available there.

Got anything? I just got a quick thing. So John said that he has a big life change no I didn't say big I said life change okay alright you have a life change

which is funny because I probably should be the one with a life change and I'm not going to do anything different yeah well I was going to pitch it to you you can join me

which you're not going to do well you kind of do I might need to I gotta make some changes I am I'm becoming a reader because I finished a book this weekend

and actually the same buddy I was talking about who just got back from Ireland he was telling me he's asking me where the book was and i said it's very good uh the lincoln highway it's it's legitimately yeah you've been talking about this one for a while yeah 600 pages it took a little while to read took like a year to read uh six months you started the first 22 pages like six months ago in february in february the thing that you took a let's call it a hiatus. Yeah. And then how, then about a month from there. And then it took,

uh, when you started, so you read about 500 and something pages in about a month. Yeah. And then, but also even that was mostly weekend. I was like, it's such a big book.

It was kind of like, I like, I'll, you know, I'm, I'm old school. I like, tell me you didn't want to carry it.

I want to carry it. So I left it. I left it in my parents. It's too heavy. That's fucking great. Pick short books because they're hard to pack. But so he was talking about how he's trying to read more than his mat. And this makes sense.

It's simple math. And if you just thought about it, you'd come to it on your own. But if you read just 25 pages a day which takes 30-40 minutes maybe right you can read

like a thousand books in your life you read 30 books a year yeah who do you know who reads 30 books a year yeah but that's like also when people

and that's that's judging because the average book is 250 pages you read one book every 10 days but also that's like when people

say like all you gotta do is work out for 8 minutes a day and you'll be ripped and it's like that's true but like those 8 minutes they fucking suck 25 minutes of reading anytime I read books and I've been doing the audio books thing which I know is not the same but I do really enjoy it

I really love good stories I don't really do non-fiction I like fun fake stories that are like creative and shit um i love them i think they're amazing i'm always like wow like these characters like i can't believe that people can like write this shit so well and i love it and then then it's just like the act of reading dude it sucks i i i don't hate it it's kind of i mean i also but you also like actively hate, like you really are like against the phone and social media and all that.

And so that makes sense. I definitely don't like doing that stuff, but I get into it and it's like, it's just easier to do that shit than it is to fucking sit there and, you know, read the whole time. But then also you fucking, you create little rewards

every chapter is like 10 pages every 10 pages you look at the phone real quick and then you get caught up to date and then you move on and it's like alright I got my little treat guess what you read 2 and a half 3 chapters you checked your phone twice it took 40 minutes

it's not a bad way to spend 40 minutes what I have learned about myself is the books i read these are probably like beach read books and like dumb people books need to have like 150 chapters in them because then it's like boom like this thing like this scene happened with these people it started and it finished yeah and like boom done and now the next one you know what i mean when it's like a long ass fucking you know big chapter where it's like there's no natural breaking point because i will read a chapter and if it's like you know 10 15 pages on to the next but when it's like uh this i got like 40 more pages or the chapters even i i agree with that and i also i i will not read a book if you

don't get the page break for a new chapter some books it's just new chapter starts right away i won't read that book. No, that's crazy. Yeah, I've... I earned this reward. I earned a half page... I earned a full page break. Half this page, half that page. Big letter at the first sentence. Yeah. You say chapter 10, and then

the first letter's huge. I want it written like a scroll. Yeah. Old English. I have that. I earned that little spot where I get to knock off two pages by reading one page. Yeah. No, I'm with you on that. I've been doing the books on tape, but I do tend, if I take a long flight,

this time I played fucking video games because I needed to make sure that I can bond with my son and then uh but i think if i take flights or if i'm on the beach i like to have a book like like read a book yeah yeah i'm with you on it i've said this to myself every year come out you're like i read 30 books a year what are you a doctor also though people are like go fuck yourself yeah I mean maybe here's the thing let me tell you this much

by the way I need book recommendations so if you read Lincoln Highway if you're one of our seven listeners who are also readers let's start the KFC radio book club

yeah yeah let's start a KFC I need well you can you can do the Lincoln like anything like Lincoln Lawyer

whatever I want dumb Lincoln Highway. It's like a Huck Finn type of story. It's not a true story. It's like a tale of an American adventure with kids in an American adventure.

How often do you have to read a book in a book club? Let's say once a year. Oh, I like that. Let's say you have to read a book, two books a year. Two once a year oh i like that let's do let's say you have to read a book two books a year two books a year yeah every six months you have to read a book what if we just do yeah every year we do the new game of thrones book no see that's like that's exactly what i don't like because i was like oh let me go read this game of thrones books i love the the show and then i heard that like george rr martin will spend like three pages describing like the grass that they're walking

yeah and i'm like i don't need that man and that's not i also don't think my mind it's like blurs so i'm not gonna i'm not making that whole i'm not drawing that whole picture in my head and i you i think i think bailey connor actually asked this question when you are reading a story uh do you do people have faces uh it's all pretty abstract yeah yeah um yeah it's all it's all just like it's more like the setting and then like block like block figures moving around almost you know um it's cool to think about what other people i wish you i could see what you see and you could see what I see. Like one day if we could like plug into each other's brains,

that would be cool. I wish I could jump, throw you into my dreams. Fuck Sally Field. And maybe I turn that thing around and it's not a nightmare anymore. You know what I'm saying? Fucking sexy back.

I think if we do a book club, you just got to read two books a year. What kind of books? Are we going horror? Are we going suspense? Are we going just like... I think you can read

whatever you want. Let's say minimum... Oh, it's a book club where we don't all read the same book? Yeah, no, I was going to say, I think it's the same book. You can't read the same book.

No, I think... You just discussed the book club. No, no, no. Otherwise, we're all just going to read whatever book you want. All right, let's pick a book then, I guess. We got to get recommendations. No, no, no. Otherwise, we're all just here. All right. Let's pick a book then, I guess.

We got to get like recommendations. Yeah, get recommendations. I heard Gentleman in Moscow is very good by the same author of Lincoln Highway. And then what we'll do is on January 10th, we'll talk about that book. Okay. Deal? We will decide the book. Oh, also'll talk about that book. Okay. Deal? We will decide the book. Oh, also, it's Guy Cry Thursday. Oh, wow.

Maybe I was just a day early. Yeah, I forgot about that. Maybe that's all. So we got to get a graphic for the book. That will be decided next episode, what book we read. I just decided to have a Guy Cry Wednesday. But I did it two weeks ago. I had a Guy Cry Thursday where I did it two weeks ago. I had a guy cry Thursday

where I just watched Only the Brave and I still haven't seen that. If we could somehow pick a movie that makes you cry with actor Sally Fields, we could do a little Two Birds, One Stone. Maybe I could do a little

research in my dreams while also crying. 90% of her movies. If you throw a movies, you could just throw a dart, you'll find one. Yeah, that would be great. When she dies in Forrest Gump, she's the mom. She fucks the teacher to get him

into school. It's one of those movies you watch if you're a kid and you're like, oh, this is kind of like a quirky movie. Then you watch it and you're like, this is horribly depressing. I'm trying to think of... I'm just scrolling. This one is a little disingenuous. Not disingenuous, but this one's a little quick.

So I'm trying to find... I'm just looking through guy cry movies. Does anyone have a recommendation for a guy cry movie for tonight? I mean, Only the Brave is my absolute go-to every time. What makes you cry, Paps? Nothing. He's 26. Moneyball.

What? Moneyball. You fucking absolute. How old are you? What's that? How old are you? 23. 23.

23. Yeah, nothing makes me cry. You are literally a fucking golden retriever. You are just unbelievable moneyball. Have you ever seen Eternal sunshine of the smallest money ball that makes me cry every time that's a good one that is a great one

I definitely have blogged this before I don't know if the dev I mean Armageddon would be an easy one Star is Born Star is Born doesn't make me cry

I cry a couple times in Star is Born just out of jealousy oh he's so brave I cry a couple times in Star Wars. Just out of jealousy. Oh, he's so brave. I don't know. I need to search my tweets. Oh, you know, I remember off the top of my head with some of the movies. I remember John Q used to make me cry.

Fox and the Hound Disney movie made me cry. I like John Q. I like John Q. I am not going to bury my son! My son is going to bury me! Guy Cry Thursday. We need the book club recommendations graphic.

We need Guy Cry Thursday. John Q. We all watch it. 8 o'clock tomorrow night eight o'clock tonight done deal uh and and you have to like uh take a video of yourself crying yeah keep going through this list uh no et tag us on instagram i'll share all the like if you're watching guy cry thursday movie we'll repost all yeah yeah i know i know a lot of guys say brian so yeah I've never seen Brian Sawyer. It's from the 70s, so it's kind of hard to get

into. Oh, Warrior. Big Fish. Oh! Warrior is a good one. Fuck, Warrior is such a good one, dude. We got weeks on weeks on weeks. Field of Dreams is always a good one. Yeah, write Warrior down so we don't forget that.

Yeah, okay, so we gotta get this is um yeah okay so we gotta get we gotta get this is the crying episode we gotta get our tears out men cry too yeah um i yeah as far as the reading thing goes i uh i would love to do it i uh i just can't it's just something about just sitting there it takes so long yeah but i I – you listen to podcasts because you travel moderate distances a lot more than me. I travel long distances a lot more than you. But – So I read on the – And you're also – I'm also driving, you know?

Yeah. So – I – If I was sitting on a train more often or sitting on a plane more often, yeah, the book's where it's at. Yeah. I mean, because, dude, it makes time fly, too. I'll read the book. I'll be like, wait, train's halfway home?

Yeah. If you get a good – yeah, you get into a good book, it's absolutely – I actually will say, like, out of TV, I'm obviously a TV junkie. Decently love movies the same way. I'm now listening to podcasts. I consider myself a pretty big fan of at least my generation of music um you know all that shit i still think when you get a book you love it's the best it's the most rare for me like i'll it's infrequent when i that's because i think you even you try and surely i think i think you try it more often. You find it more.

Yeah, but also books for me have to have a dope beginning. It's got to get me. If it doesn't have a good beginning, I'm like, TV time. So I need hot starts, short chapters. These are probably the things that real, what is it called? Bibliophiles are like, yeah you're describing like books for retards but i need it to be like an entertaining uh movie uh entertaining book right off the top and then also what we can do is in a couple years we have our own book for the case radio book club write a book oh yeah wow ambitious fast there yeah well no what we'll do first is write stupid books

I got this planned we'll write a couple books that are stupid almost like the you know the total frat move books you know what I mean like

it'll be like blogs compiled it'll be like life advice from like two guys who fucked up lives that was fucked up lives

basically this you know but then one day we'll write a real book like with a storyline? Yeah. I don't know about that. It'll be called a TV show. Isn't that funny?

It's like, yo, let's write a TV show. It's like, yeah, you want to write a book? No. Alright, so we started two groups today. Yeah. And all of these are just veiled therapy sessions. So let's hope. Just like the podcast. It really doesn't.

We're pretty on the nose here. Yeah. I'm trying to hide what we do. Alright, we got Danny LaPriori on today. Is that where we're going? Yeah. Danny Lowe is on the podcast. He's going to be live at Caroline's doing one of what I believe to be the craziest things of all time. Danny

without ever doing stand-up ever is going to do an hour of stand-up. That's crazy. I want to go just to see, like, it'll be funny because Danny's hilarious, but it's like witnessing history. It's like a man who's never trained

for a marathon just going to run. It's like a guy jumping in a pool being like like I can swim a thousand laps let's go you know I can do an Ironman right now it's it's ambitious but it's also one of those things where I think like you know we've heard so many comics

and obviously to be the best you do have to get the reps in but you know comics love their art a lot and they like to talk love their art a lot and they like to talk about their art a lot and it has to you have to do it this way and if you don't do it we don't like you and you didn't earn it and all that shit what if it's like yeah you can just get up there and do it if you're funny enough you know what i mean i look i think once you have an audience yeah it's what you can't do yeah like you know these people coming think i'm funny yeah

i don't have to like it doesn't have to be perfect but like if he does it the right way uh it's like yeah no you can just do an hour like no problem and there's gonna be comics like i've been trying to sell that out for 10 years uh so danny's on the show uh we got our voicemails to get into we'll do some topics but first uh am i the asshole brought to you by manscaped you're an asshole if you don't manscape your asshole. That's the new tagline. That one's free, Manscaped. Well, here's the thing. You laugh, but do you know what their actual tagline is right now?

Smooth sack summer. So am I really all that far off with you're an asshole if you don't manscape your asshole? No, you're not, really. It really is an absolute nightmare down there, particularly for... Here's a question. I guess all gay guys are pretty well-groomed, usually. Stereotypically speaking, you would say that, right? Because I feel like we're always like, oh, man, it sucks for girls when they get down there and it's a nightmare.

But are guys ever like, bro? Oh, yeah, I mean, for sure. That's definitely a thing. Yeah? like, oh, man, it sucks for girls when they get down there and it's a nightmare. But are guys ever like, bro? Oh, yeah. I mean, for sure. That's definitely a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Usually.

Yeah. At least get it nice and trimmed up and everything. Yeah. Yeah. You don't necessarily go bald, but sure. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you give it a little.

You leave a little there. A little bit. Here's what I think. I actually agree with Manscaped saying smooth sack summer. I think the sack should be as smooth, like as trimmed as possible, you know? Oh, yeah, for sure. Do you go shaving cream on your sack? No. No, okay.

Yeah, I thought like. Not as possible. I use my fucking lawnmower and that's it. But the lawnmower, I'm going like right to the skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to leave some on other parts, but the actual. I go to the skin on all of it. You do?

Yeah. You just look like a little bald eagle down there? Yeah, I'm a baby. See, yeah, that's the thing. I know you. You're an inside out cat. I feel like you're soft dick totally shorn like that. It's probably not a great sight.

Why? I don't know. I think it's okay. Yeah? Yeah. Clearly you do it. I see. I'm like, I fuck that dick.

I remember my friend told me a story. He had just gotten out of a relationship. He was always- Is it incest if it's with yourself? No. No, okay. If it's- No, no, no.

You're not your own family member. Then what's masturbation? What? Yeah. Yeah. No, but I was talking about like- Fucking incest. Like a homelander type stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not incest. No. No. I mean, if you had a clone walk in this room And you knew he was just gonna Disappear after it Would you fuck it? Oh yeah, if he's good to spirit, I'm gonna kill him Hey listen buddy, you're not walking out of this room You don't want to fuck a guy you fucking guy you're gonna bump

into that Durex guy one day oh man it's on for real look I'll just shoot you straight

you're gonna die you're gonna suck this dick and then we're gonna and then you're gonna die shout out to Manscaper who's letting us rip I know my buddy once he had just gotten out Then you're going to die. Shout out to Manscaper who's letting us rip.

I know my buddy once, he had just gotten out of a relationship, hooked up with a girl a few years older. He was already nervous. She was older, more experienced, and he went totally bald for it. And then he couldn't get hard. And he said he was just looking down at it like come on like helicoptering it trying to sneakily like you know get him up there and he was just like it was just this little bald baby

just sitting there he was like my little brat was just sitting there and it couldn't grow and I was like oh man that was the day I had the thought like maybe I was keeping a little bit to like just hide it a little it's not what it's just like. I just do it.

I'm surprised. I thought you were full bush. No, I like a bush. I like it. I thought you were bush, too. I mean, I am just like it's like I treat my fucking people to my hair. We're like, oh, it's not. I just let him go.

And then I'm like, all right, take it short. Here's a question. If you're in a relationship, do you manscape more or less? Probably less. Isn't that fucked up? Yeah. But, dude, my shit, like, never gets out of control. Again, you're, like.

I mean, neither is mine, but it is funny. If I didn't shave from right now for one full year, I would bet you, like, you'd be like, what's that been, two weeks? Really? Yeah. That's crazy. It never gets, like, more than, like like my pubic hairline is like fucking. Nobody asked.

It's like up there. Jesus Christ. Bro. I saw a tube. I saw a tube there, bro. You did not need to pull it down that low. I saw a tube he said you guys all see tubes?

that is show my dick to everybody manscaped.com I love when it's just the boys in here I saw a tube I was like we were talking about my pubes I'm going to have to show my pubes Bro, I saw two. I was like, we're talking about my pubes. I'm going to have to show my pubes. By the way, you are baby smooth.

It's fucking trimmed up. Trimmed up. Yeah, no, that is smooth. I don't go that low. That is no bullshit. That is lawnmower to the fucking. Lawnmower 4.0. With the skin safe technology. Honestly, it's impossibly easy with where it's just like one two three four done with the uh

with the ceramic uh like blade it's like you can just go because you don't have to worry about nicking yourself so you're just like eyes closed ripping them, you know? And right now if you go to manscaped.com use promo code KFC, you get 20% off plus free shipping. That's manscaped.com promo code KFC for 20% off plus free shipping.

Okay. Alright, am I the asshole number one? I found a jar. I'm going to throw up during this just so we can see. Do we have it viral or something like that? You sent this the other day, and it sounds a little familiar. I can't believe you're going to read this. Yeah, me neither.

But this is a good exercise because you need to see if you can get through this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Oof, boy. This is from from user my husband has a jar what is so funny is if if if someone came to me was like yo i i gotta talk to you i have a problem like in my relationship and i was like all right deal like talk to me they were like my husband has a jar i I'd be like, Goat's seed! That's what I mean, though. It could go so many different directions, but just my husband has a jar is not enough of

a warning for what's about to happen. So buckle up, folks. Excuse me. I found a jar that my husband has been ejaculating in, and I threw it away. He got very upset with me. There's your headline, folks.

There it is. There's your headline. Big jar, come. So I'm a woman in my 30s. I made a throwaway account because I don't want this tied to my main account at all. Yesterday, our garbage disposal stopped working, and I was trying to see why, so I was looking around under the sink, and I moved stuff out to get in there and to look around more easily. In the very back, tucked away, was a mason jar that I thought was just over halfway full of kitchen grease at first.

But I realized it wasn't grease. Kitchen grease. I thought it looked like semen. I made the mistake of opening it by the smell. I knew that it was definitely semen. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Disgusted, I threw it away by the smell I knew that it was definitely semen. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Disgusted, I threw it away in the dumpster outside.

It had to have been my husband's but I don't know why he would save semen in a jar. My husband got home and I asked him about it. He seemed very embarrassed and confessed it was indeed a jar full of semen. He was filling for almost a year. I was shocked and asked him why. He said whatever was my time of the month or I wasn't in the mood,

he'd jerk off into the jar after I went to bed. I asked him why not go in the toilet or use tissues or the shower or something. Why a fucking jar? He couldn't answer that other than he was saying he's been doing it since he was a kid. I told him I want him to stop using a jar because it's disgusting. He told me he didn't want to

and asked where the jar was. I told him I threw it away and he was upset. He said it took him a long time to fill the jar that much. Yo, I bet it did, bro. And now he had to start all over. And we argued about him using a jar to store old jizz in. I still don't understand why he wants to fill the jar for fuck's sake. This is, usually these are more like, like, succinctly written.

Like, this is really just like the passionate fingers. Yeah, yeah. Why the fuck is he using a jar? Yes, yes, yes. We argued about it and during the argument he opened the refrigerator, took a large jar of pickles, dumped it

out, and started rinsing it out and said this is the cum jar now! Before I knew it I'm literally screaming at my husband about coming in jars and told him he can either come in me or come in the jar, but not both. He clutched the jar and stormed

off to the bathroom. I was literally speechless. I sat down and started watching TV trying to take my mind off it when he came out and joined me and tried to patch things up. I asked him where he hid the jar and he wouldn't fucking tell me. You'll never know. He told me we should just forget about the fight.

He apologized to me and told me he'd make sure I didn't have to see the jar if I didn't want to. I wanted us to stop fighting, so I agreed, and we didn't speak about it for the rest of the night. They just hopped on the couch and snuggled up? Let's put on Armageddon, babe. He fell asleep early, but I laid in bed for over

an hour thinking about the fucking jar. I don't understand why he's so intent on doing something so disgusting and I'm still angry about it. Alright, well, first things first. First things first, I want to talk logistics. A pickle jar is huge. Well, the first one was a mason jar. A mason jar is huge.

Mason jar is big. I mean, I guess they can vary in size, but usually they're like a square cup. You know, filling those things up, I don't know about you, I'm not Tom Segura, I'm not Peter North, I give you a couple pumps,

and that's it. Filling up a jar, halfway a jar, would take like hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of jerks. Yeah, it would take me as long as it would take to read like two books. Also though, because when you, maybe

I've never started a cum ecosystem, but I feel like it would like dry up, no? Until you have like a lot, it would stay. Why are you nodding so hard, weirdo? Yeah, you haven't cum in fucking jars before? In my experience, that's about how it goes.

I mean. You were like, you were in church. Yeah, tell them. Preach. I mean, if you think about some of the worst porn you've seen, not worst porn, just some of the porn you've seen, you get what, like 50 guys, they all come in a martini glass? It takes like 50 jerks, 50 loads to fill a martini glass which i believe is uh like

four ounces probably yeah and uh and can i get a can i get an ounce on a mason jar we're gonna do the mathematics on this one oh that's a good idea and i'll google average cum load i bet you it's good 4, 8, 16, 28, and 40. Give me a Google for an 8-ounce mason jar. I think that's probably what we're looking at. 8 ounces? No, I bet it's 12. I think the typical one, like if it's like a drinking jar, it's the 16.

You're right, because you can have like a big glass. Yeah, it's a pint glass, but it's just... In a square, you're right. Okay, 16 ounces. I bet you the average male load is 1.25 ounces a cup oh it's three to five maybe i got tiny loads uh but now i feel like wait wait wait wait ounces oh no no no the average size is between three and five milliliters there are 30 milliliters in an ounce. Oh, so you don't even shoot an ounce? No.

Okay, that's what I'm saying. A fluid ounce would be a lot. A shot is 2 ounces. So I was thinking I could fill up a half a shot glass, but I guess I can't. It is about 30 milliliters, so about 10 cum shots per ounce. So you're looking at about 160 cum shots to fill a glass.

Wait, now I'm thinking I'm coming a little bit more than that. You're telling me I don't even come close to filling up a shot glass with like one, two, three shots? I'm telling you what the average is. I'm not telling you what you would do. Are you also looking at like semen? What is normal semen volume? According to a 2010 World Health Organization study,

which looked at semen volumes across the world, the range of semen volume is between 0.8 milliliters and 7.6 milliliters. The average is between 3 and 5 milliliters. It seems like there's quite a window. I just want to make sure there's a difference between, because I looked up ejaculate. What study was that? I cut right to the chase and I said average load of cum.

I said what's a cum shot size. Okay. I wasn't sure if you were like ounces of semen and made it all like, you know. This says two to five cubic centimeters. I don't fucking know. Okay. The volume of a teaspoon is what younger

males, they say they shoot. You shoot more cum as you get older? It's probably like like a bell curve. Volume of a teaspoon is what younger males, they say they shoot. You shoot more cum as you get older? It's probably like a bell curve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, 1.25 to 5 milliliters. This is roughly a quarter to one teaspoon. All right. I mean, I guess there are people out there just like shooting smoke.

If I came on a teaspoon, it would be more than a teaspoon. A teaspoon's tiny, tiny. I think I could... I'm not some guy who goes out here fucking pissing massive loads, but I'm fucking pissing teaspoons. I'll shoot you straight, too. I got some viscosity in mine. Cue the Tommy Smokes. Oh, my God.

It's thick as fuck. Oh, my God god it's thick as fuck evan pulls it out like it's spaghetti yeah oh i was thinking more it's got like you know it's like a carbonara meat sauce it's got some got some chunks to it anyway i don't know about this guy wait okay but the point just the be on track here the point being that guy has to cum so much and I think

relatively often and very quickly or that's like gonna just be dried caked up like moldy liquid like it's not gonna just

it's not just like the cum stays there and then you have just like cum cum cum cum then you have like a big bowl of cum yeah it is

I don't think it is. I think so. I think it, cause it dries. I think you mix it all up. It's like, think about like, I'm thinking about like if you had a cup of milk, right? And you left it, like you left it out. And the bottom just kind of gets like cakey. And then, yeah, you pour some more milk in there and it re-hydrates it. But I think

I think it's going to be more dry cakey cum. But anyway. I think this is getting to the point where we're going to have to do it. I was going to say, I will be coming in a cup soon. I don't know about you guys. Here's homework. Read a book, come in a cup. I love this guy.

I think that this guy, while he is probably a serial killer. It's the cum jar. This is the cum jar now and storms off. I love both of them. I love both of them being like, you can either cum in me or cum in the jar, but you can't have both. And he just dumps like 20 pickles on the floor, pickle

juice everywhere and says, now this is the cum jar. One of the best all-time fights I've ever heard of in my life. I think everybody in this world deserves to be able to do whatever they want as long as you are not harming anybody else. As long as you're not harming anybody else.

As long as you're not harming anybody else, if you do weird shit to yourself sexually, you should be able to do that. And not be shamed and honestly like this is extreme but i i bet you a lot of reason of why like relationships don't work for a lot of times we had a guy call last week where he was like i'm vanilla in bed and this girl actually hasn't aired yet but we did a voicemail that was like i'm vanilla in bed and uh this girl's not this girl isn't she wants more you know and i was saying you got to be compatible sexually there's a lot of guys and girls who are hiding like their kinks and they're unhappy like that that makes you unhappy eventually and like you can't be honest and be like yo i like to fucking dress up or i like to

be the dominant or like wear your underwear yeah like i like to wear women's underwear or like i like to get pegged or i like to fucking come in jars right whatever the fuck everyone's got their cum jar yes it's like it's like corona find. Everyone's got their cum jar. Yes. It's like Corona. Find your beach. Yeah. Find your cum jar. I got a fucking cum jar. Everyone's got a cum jar.

What's your cum jar? The women's underwear. The women's underpants. I've only done the women's underpants once. But you loved it so much. No, it still sticks out to this day.

Exactly. That's your cum jar. But the problem is here's the thing, John. It would be your cum jar but you're feeling shame about it. I'm scared of my cum jar. You're scared of your own cum jar.

Yeah. Because you're going to show it to a girl, and she's going to be like, that's weird. Rather than be like, all right, cool. You don't have to ask for that. When you find- That's actually probably why it really is. I'm like, my ass looks terrible in a thong. Maybe your cum jar would be like a full coverage panty.

Who knows, John? maybe maybe your cum jar would be like uh you know a full coverage panty who knows john i think the honest to god problem with the world is more often than not when you find the partner who gets down with your cum jar they're also crazy and it's that and like they find like well well you're saying also as in like... It's more crazy than me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'm saying, when you find... Two positive ends of a magnet. When you find the person who's like,

fucks you exactly how you want to fuck, they're usually like, oh. You know, it's like the hot crazy matrix. It's like the, you know, there's a trade-off. So it's like, yeah, she lets me cum in a jar, but also... Yeah, I mean, anyone who lets you cum in a jar until it's full up is not stable. yeah if your cum jar is a cum jar you're in the top you're in a tough spot yeah

but if your cum jar is like kinky shit uh bisexual shit um hardcore stuff swinging all the stuff we talk about here and you find someone who can do it like more often than not it's like yeah but they also like just go through my phone and they are jealous and crazy and all that other stuff so that's honestly it seems to always be the problem that i that i see in relationships it's like oh you're finally compatible over here but everything else is fucked or you find the one who's great over here but she won't let you come in a jar but i i also think when these people find these, like if you're coming in a jar and you like leave it on the table,

if you hop out, when you have company coming in the jar, that's a problem. This guy was coming in a jar, doing it himself. Your life was fine. Your marriage was fine. Why'd she find,

how'd she find it? She just stumbled upon it? She was looking for something like cleaning or something. I would say that you got to hide your cum jar better. You got to hide it better. You got to hide your cum jar better. Look, I hide it better. You got to hide your cum jar better. Look, I've been here before where you're hiding stuff. I can't tell you how many times that clone of Willie's been moved around my apartment.

Yeah, right, right. Between cleaning people. Sure. And fucking siblings coming over. Sure. And parents coming over. People. The joke is always like you got to have someone.

When I die, you go to my apartment and clean out the closet before they find my sex toys. You know? I got clone of Willie. Clone of Willie's been more rooms in my apartment than i have but the uh the fact of the matter is that no one's found it and that right and that is an important part but i genuinely mean this if i found someone's cum jar i think i'd be like yeah but i'll tell you i'll tell you what i'm gonna yuck your yum not gonna yuck your cum dude if i'm a like if i'm a police officer and I stumble upon a big drug bust, I'll cut that open and check if it's cocaine. No doubt.

If I stumble upon a cum jar, I'm not going to find out if that's cum or not. I'd be like, yeah, this... I'm just going to go throw it at my neighbor's house. I'd be like, this milk... Walk up with a Molotov cocktail through the window what happened the neighbor just threw some spoiled milk at our house oh no my friend don't slip and fall you'll get pregnant I I do believe that this is we are really pushing the boundaries of what's acceptable as far as weird behavior. But at the end of the day,

is it like he's not harming anybody? He just comes in that jar and he puts, I love this guy. I want to be clear. I very much like this guy. He's also got severe mental issues. No doubt. Whatever,

whatever goes on with your brain where you need to store your come, but also like, I think there's something honorable about this guy being like i bet you he's like i don't know fucking 15 14 years old and he's like oh i want to come in that jar and then he's like 18 years old he's like fuck i really wish i didn't like to come in jars and then he's like 25 and he's in therapy and he's like doc like why do i like to come in jars and maybe now he's like 30 and he's just like i come in jars and that's just what i do and it's weird and i do it over here and i never tell anybody about it i never show anybody it i just got to get it out of my system

so that i can go be a good husband and be a good worker and all that shit and provide and so like there's something to me i think uh honorable like i Like, I think it's like he wants to probably go to her and be like, hey, I want to come in this jar with you. And he can't. And he just does it. And now, but that all being said. I mean, everyone's got their favorite place. That all being said, the people who want to come in jars,

you have something wrong with you. Yeah, but you got your favorite cleanups, too. I know I got a pair of boxers. I'm like, oof, that one feels good when I clean it up. With that, though, actually, some boxers. I'll tell you something. Or an old T-shirt. I know I don't like cleaning up with toilet paper.

Oh, the worst. Not good. It doesn't keep you. Tissue is even worse. It's like cum versus toilet paper. The cum wins. Yeah. It's like rock, paper, scissors.

The paper does not beat cum. Cum beats paper, for sure. When I was a young kid, I. The paper does not beat cum. Cum beats paper for sure. When I was a young kid, I would just sometimes cum on the carpet. What? Like next to my bed, I would just fucking load off to the side. Dude. But that was if I didn't have anything. Bro, I told you about my apartment in Newport once, right?

Yeah, he like covered it or something, right? Dude, we called it the jungle. We called it the jungle. And you dressed up the room. Because it looked like it was dirt all over the floor. That's a bit much. Because it was just loads. And then he just wouldn't wipe up the load.

And so it would just collect dust and dirt. So the floor just looked... This is horrible. The floor just looked like fucking black. So one day when he was gone... Like, yeah. Because it was like mold? Yeah, it was like...

No, no, it was like collecting dust and dirt and shit like that. And so one day when he was gone. Like, yeah. Because it was like mold? Yeah, it was like, no, no. It was like collecting like dust and dirt and shit like that. And so one day when he was gone, we made a paper mache tree and put it in the corner. And then my buddy was like a construction worker. And we like constructed this fucking huge, it's been a whole Saturday. That is the best. That's one of the most guys being guys thing. It had leaves that came across the ceiling.

Yeah, hell yeah. He did more work on that than you've ever done on anything in your life. Walked in, like, then he's going to be like, all. It had leaves that came across the ceiling. Yeah, hell yeah. You did more work on that than you've ever done on anything in your life. Walked in, thinking he's going to be like, all right, I should probably clean up the floor. He's like, this is the best. Coming to the jungle. But I really firmly believe, while admitting that this is weird,

if you are not harming anybody with your kink, go crazy. Go crazy. So, like, as long as it's – There is an edit to this, by the way. Okay. I guess we should read that. I try and read them not right away. She's probably going to be like, yeah, we broke up.

I gave him the ultimatum of the pickle jar or my pussy. He chose the pickle jar and said that a pickle jar doesn't talk back. Nope, not quite done. Edit. Edit slash update. My husband got home and we sat down and talked. After a lot of prying, I got him to come clean with me about why he comes to the jar and why it's in the kitchen.

He gets very excited when I eat his cum. Oh, no. He gets very excited when I eat his cum, and he makes pancakes every weekend for breakfast, and he mixes the cum into the pancake batter and gets off on me eating it without my knowledge or consent. Bro, cut this. Cut this.

We can't even have this on the show. It's so fucked up. He has been doing this regularly for our entire marriage and has mixed cum in with other things I've eaten. No, no, no. This has to be one of those written ones. I have, of course, swallowed his cum before, but this is different because he did this without my knowing. I think I was just doing the, of course. She's like, I ain't no prude.

Yeah, she's like, yo, I keep throwing that shit. I drink it from the tap. But that's what I want to. I have have of course swallowed his cum before but this is different because he did this without my knowing

well okay I take it all back cum jar guy is a cum rapist and needs to be locked in jail this is this is a cum rape

no that's cum rape this is actually extremely problematic and this is exactly violating rule number one of my kink thing if you're harming someone you can't do it

yeah is that what she is I'm out yeah no totally out I'm out you know what would have been exactly violating rule number one of my kink thing. If you're harming someone, you can't do it. Yeah. Is that what she is? I'm out. I'm out. Yeah, no, totally out. I'm out. I'm out. You know what would have been the only?

At least we do have a line. That's the line. It's nice to be reminded. Sometimes I still have a line. I want to be very clear because I went pretty hardcore defending cum jar guy. I am flip-flopping. Yep.

I am flip-flopping. I am fickle. I'm changing the wind. Kevin John Kerry Clancy, they call him. Done. Absolutely. If you cum into pancakes... People call it baby batter. He's literally putting his cum in the batter and making her eat it.

That is like... That guy... I'll give him one more. What's he doing? By the way, I'd never do this in a million years because I can't eat the pancake. What? If he made these, he can't By the way, I'd never do this in a million years because I can't eat the pancake. What? If he made these, he can't eat the pancakes. He probably makes a couple with, a couple without.

I think this guy eats pancakes. That was very funny. But I also think, no, his thing is that he likes them eating it unknowingly. He knows the crumbs in there. He also might just be like, it's my own brand. Like,

I'll eat the pancakes. But like, wouldn't she have been like, why do you have two who's ever battered? Yeah, you're probably right. You probably use pancakes.

Or he just doesn't eat pancakes, which is the worst. Wouldn't that be funny if he's making these pancakes and she's like, honey, have a couple. And he's like,

nah, I'm having bacon. I'm good. Yeah. She has some of the pancakes. No way. I bet someone came in those. I'm going to eat the pancakes.

What if someone came in on them these are the best fucking pancakes I've ever had they're a little bit tangy they're a little bit fucking they're a little bit wet wouldn't it have been funny if she was like man that's my kink I love being unknowingly fed things so we live happily ever

after there's a lid for every pot man that's one of the worst we've ever had that is a really really bad one that is one of the worst we've ever had. That is a really, really bad one. That is one of the worst we've ever fucking had. Next one. I guess. Holy shit. That's going to be on my mind forever.

Do you think that that guy could have just said to her, hey, I have a fantasy. Here's the problem. I think, again, we need more of this in the world. And I know it's not the same when people act and shit, but if he just said to her, yo, I have this fantasy about like, you know, it's a little bit of like, you know, there's the R word fantasy that people have. Yeah, oh yeah.

Like I have this fantasy about, you know, people swallowing my cum and like, can we do it in this kinky way? Like what if she would have just been down to do it? To eat pancakes with cum in it. And she just pretends. And I know that's not the same for this guy. But what if he could have just done that instead of going full cum rape?

Seems like a guy who's not going to take that option. He wants to be a real thing? Yeah. I don't know. He seems like a good husband otherwise. Maybe like meet me halfway and just pretend? And be like, oh my god these pancakes are so good. What do you make them with? And he just gets to go what's the secret sauce

you know you'll never know it's a secret family ingredient could you imagine though she's like so are you just gonna like jerk off into the batter he's like oh no

I got a jar of cum no I got what are you crazy that's where the gotta age it that's where the oh it's like sharp cheddar

been aged nine months. Oh, God. That one sounds like it's been fermenting for quite some time. I'm getting drunk off these pancakes. All right. Next one. Breaking Bad ruined our sex life. Throwaway account because my family knows my mane,

and I don't want them to know about this. So as the title states, BB has ruined our sex life. It started with us getting frisky to the show and evolved to the point that we can't even have sex without it on. If I'm on top, I'll watch the show while I do my thing.

We both turn our heads to the side and watch it on the TV. I mean, this is madness. This is absolute madness. We love doggy style because we can both watch at the same time. Originally, Missionary was our favorite due to the intimacy, but we stopped it because we couldn't watch the shows.

A bit innocent so far, but the memes are where it goes downhill. There's a meme of Mike Ehrmantraut going, Walter, put your dick away, Walter. I'm not having sex with you right now. What? Now, we found this absolutely hilarious, and it somehow devolved into it being incorporated. If one

wants sex and the other doesn't, the immediate reply is doing a mic impression and going, put your dick away, Walter. I'll tell you what, so far, this is like the most wholesome couple ever. I love these guys. So I'm in what's even worse is that we changed it to saying get your dick out Walter

let me see those eight balls Walter I like it if we do want to have sex I want I want Walt Jr. in mine but but you said he said we could fuck dad

he said we're gonna have breakfast with the compound cake I even cut the bacon up so you can put it on your age I can't even remember the last time either of us asked for sex normally not only that how old are these people?

it does not say not only that but during the act itself we make jokes about it I'm like Walter and you're like Mike cause I'm about to shoot something into your stomach. I'm going to make a meth out of you. I'm going to make a meth out of you. Choke me like Walt did to Crazy 8.

I don't know why I keep saying it in this voice. I'm the one with the cock. In a Jesse voice. Yo, I'm about to shoot all of your face, Gale. All of these things these things we've actually said. Because of this weird obsession, every time we see an RV, we get horny. Every time we hear the

intro. Yeah, this is some bad Pavlov's dog shit. Every time someone mentions meth, we call the name Walter. Even when we see memes of the show on Discord or YouTube. So yeah, that's pretty much it. Breaking Bad fucking ruined our sex life and there's no turning back now. Fuck's sake. I don't see issues there.

There's no cum jar there. Guess what? You know, Breaking Bad, you can watch whenever you want. Every single time you want to fuck, you can put it on. The problem will become it's when one person's more interested than the other. They both like it.

They both like doing this. What's the problem? It's a little unorthodox, but it's like, if you were like, you know, we introduce, like, whips and chains into bed, and now, like, it's a problem. We can't fuck without them,

but it's like, all right, just keep fucking with them. I understand it's, you know, you're on vacation. You're somewhere you can't watch Breaking Bad. You can't do a quickie. There's literally nowhere you can't watch Breaking Bad. It is on Amazon. It's not that big of a problem.

It's weird. It's funny that when you're, it's a little bit much when you're like, I don't want to be, you know, on my back because I can't watch the TV. But, yes. Oh, my God. I can't believe I found this. All right. So, I had a similar thing not really not to this extent

by any stretch of the imagination but 30 Rock it was just like I almost I feel like what you're going to tell me is the reverse because you fucked while 30 Rock was on now when 30 Rock's on you're going to tell me is like the reverse almost. Like, because you fucked while 30 Rock was on, now when 30 Rock's on, you're like, let's fuck?

Kind of, but this was just like... Oh, yeah, like Pavlov's dog. This was a thing where we just watched 30 Rock on Netflix all the time, and it was just like, yeah. It was on when you sleep. It's on when you're hanging out. It's on when you fuck. But, like, then, like, we, like, kind of got not, like, memes, but we, like, we would send this to each other when we were, like, warning. It's awesome.

It's funny because I know who it is too. I don't like that. This is going to make me horny. Put your fucking dick. God damn, dude. Why won't this open? What's going on here? God, this fucking internet sucks. Turn off the Wi-Fi. How'd they score two, Pavs?

A sack by and a single, I think. What's he at, 57 pitches? Yep. What is it? I forgot. So this was like your bat signal if you were horny? Yeah. You horned up, boned up.

I just love 30 Rock. Dude. I didn't. Did not. Dude. I did not expect this. I did not. John? John? Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. I'm not kidding you. I'm not kidding you guys. gentlemen gentlemen

I'm not kidding you I'm not kidding you guys this is the weirdest thing John's ever shown me I can't believe I showed you my penis five minutes ago this is

crazy I thought it was gonna what'd you got I thought it was gonna be a scene I thought it was gonna be a scene from the show like a meme like they said

where like Jack says to Liz Lemon something like, I want to go to bed with you or some shit. Whatever. For the people listening on audio, it's a decrepit old man. Toothless. Toothless. Looks like the bad guy in

Dennis the Menace. The guy was under the bridge and he's doing finger dancing. I'm assuming that's the theme. I love 30 Rock. I can't think of something. Now, for you, you know, it obviously worked. I can't think of anything else that would make an outsider's pussy dry up and dick shrivel up faster than that.

But here's what I think. I'm boned up right now, bro. Here's what i'm going up right now bro here's what i think i think we've talked about this before i think you are the the the head of this is that sex should be more fun yes than it is sexy in a way it still has to be sexy people to take it seriously you can't be a total goofball but i think there should be like more like you're almost just talking during it. You know what I mean? Like, like if I was giving you a massage, I'd be like, do you like that right there?

Like, oh, can you go this way? You go that way. Just like talking your way through it. If there is a funny moment or a chance to drop a joke or something funny happens, or, you know, you talk about, you, you, you have an inside joke like this. It's all good. As long as it just doesn't, I guess the problem is, I guess the problem is when one party is like,

dude, I just want to get my back blown out. We don't, we don't need to do the 30 Rock theme from the old guy tonight. It wasn't like

in every time. No, I get what you're doing. It wasn't to the extent. Yeah, no, everybody has a little. It was like a,

it wasn't even on that lot. It was, it was just like, I don't know, it was on a lot of TV. You have Netflix and shit. And you have your little code word that means like let's fuck, you know. I get it.

It was just a curveball. Yeah, it was a curveball. A big-time curveball. I throw a mean 12 to 6. You buckled my knees. Fucking Beltran caught looking. Wainwright for the win. Holy shit.

Boy, these were doozies these were doozies these were doozies these were doozies these were doozies these were doozies these were doozies these were doozies

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for 50% off two or more pairs of polarized sunglasses. So get two pairs. Get one for free. That's ShadyRays.com slash KFC. What's up, guys? Just listened to the most recent episode where someone called in with a follow-up

about the cow conversation from, I don't know, two, three weeks ago. And he just had a dumbass response. All the milk is white so i actually have another follow-up hopefully a little bit more interesting but fights is actually kind of right so the brown cows well it's not actually like it's obviously not chocolate milk coming out but actually does have higher quality milk. So my summer job in high school and college was at a family run dairy farm and they made ice cream. So there was like an ice cream place on site.

I actually made a bunch of the ice cream the last few years I was there, but what they, I guess, taught me and generally how it works is the brown cows, which are dirt Jersey cows have a higher butter fat content content in their milk, but it's a lower quantity of milk. So that milk is used for stuff like ice cream, butter, stuff like that. Cause it's a higher quality, the white and white and black, like standard looking cow that you see a lot more, that's a Holstein cow and they make a lot more milk, but it's a lower butterfat content. So that's what is generally used for like gallons of milk that you see in the grocery store. So, kind of right? Yeah, I don't know.

But I thought I'd call in and let you guys know that, you know, John was actually kind of right about the cows having different milk. I wouldn't say this is like vindication for you. Well, it's like the best milk comes from brown cows. How now, brown cow? That's what I had said before. The Human Torch was denied a bank loan. What I said the whole time was the better of the milks comes from the brown cow. Is that what you said?

That's not what you said. I said a version of it. I don't think this guy's right either. Can we get a fact check on this? Nah, not necessarily. Okay. Fuck facts. But higher quality milk comes check on this? Nah, not necessarily. Okay. Fuck facts. But higher quality milk comes from brown cows.

That makes more sense. Why would that be the case? I have no idea. None. You have no idea. I've become a bit of a farmer, Kevin. A little farmer boy? Yeah.

A little farmer dick? A little farmer tube out there in the fucking... A little shaved farmer dick out there? I fucking little shade far out there the tube came from but i like it's very funny because it's funny if you've ever looked where your dick like separates from your body is kind of a funny thing yeah yeah like at some point it it grows it's like a little tail but in the front you know it's a weird thing mine also you you go left to right everybody seems to go left i go left I go like hard left I'm like looking around the corner

I go like pretty straight arrow this is just a call about milk we're already talking about our dick but like if I take my dick when it's fully hard right

and I bend it to the left. It's like, no problem. Like, no problem. I could, like, put it on my leg. If I bend it to the right, I get, it's like, it's like it stops. Like, I'll put my dick to my leg, and if I go this way, it goes, like, there. Really?

You got a sharp dog leg. And then you can see, like, so my dick, my dick's, like, just kind of like, well, that's a bad dick. What the fuck is that? It's a vagina. Yeah, no, you know, it's like, I'm just saying that when I. Bro, that. Yeah, it was a weird dick. I just need, what I need you to realize, though, is, like, let me draw a better dick.

I'm not good at drawing dicks apparently but the way I'm trying to here's like kind of my skin right and your dick kind of goes there like bro have you ever seen your dick I'm just not a good artist look at these two depictions

of Kevin's penis drawn by Kevin well the tip was just like that's where the tip is I don't know if Kevin's ever drawn by Kevin. Well, the tip was just like that's where the tip is. These are... These are... I don't know if Kevin's ever seen a dick in his life.

I think... I think this whole show is fraudulent. Kevin's never watched a second of porn. He's never had sex. He's never seen his penis. We talked about your carport.

My carport. This is insanity. I gotta show you my dick. All I'm trying to say is that if I tried to move my dick, I really can't draw a dick. I'm just gonna draw...

I gotta start with the head. You're panicking right now. I am, I'm panicking. There's the dick head. There's the dick. it's a better dick right that's a you see a silo like that going through kansas but sure my my thing is if i were to try to move it that way yeah you will see like a flap of skin oh really that like holding a sail it's a batwing yeah i was gonna say sail because i think that sounds a little nicer than wing. But, yeah, like, there will be a, you'll see the skin that's like, nope.

Bro, you got a webbed cock? Yeah. Yes. Down here where the tube splits. I swear to God, if you cut this, my dick, whoo. I would be able to go to the right then. Man, the Jim Goodman. The good jib.

I said jib. I'm a jib. Would have been funny if I nailed it. It would have been, but you fired it up. Yeah, the Jim Goodman. The good jib. I said jib. I said jib. Would have been funny if I nailed it. It would have been, but you fired it up. Yeah, but that is what it's like.

It's like a sail on a boat where those things are swinging around and shit. The coxswain. Cox coxswain. I fucked that up too. We don't know

our boat terms. No. That's voicemail. Yeah. Dad of the year KFC. Swole guy fights. Got a quick question for you.

Wait, what was that? So the other day I was at his ball. Dad of the year kfc swole guy fights got a quick question for you um so the other day dad of the year kfc guy fights got a quick question i'll take both of those so the other day i was high as balls and for some reason i got fixated on determining like how many possible combinations of something there could be so if you had like 15 hats and 15 shoes like what's the maximum number of combinations and how you figured that out so i tried to go to google with it and it just gave me zero results it was like what the fuck are you talking about um so how many unique google searches do you think you've had where it's like you know the largest search engine in the entire world just says you're so dumb i don't know what you're talking about.

So, how many times do you think that's happened? And of course, porn is included. Viva. I mean, I can recall a couple times where it says like, sorry, no results. Like, no results. It's usually when you're looking for a name that's a weird name and I've totally misspelled it. I don't know if I've gotten straight up no results.

I've definitely gotten sorry, no results. That's crazy to me. I've Googled a lot of dumb things. Did you just need to yawn? Yeah. I've Googled a lot of... I think it's usually if I'm trying to spell a Russian name, and they're hard enough as is,

so I literally end up putting in just jumbled up letters, and they're so far wrong. I'll tell you what I have a problem with iphone spell check very often doesn't help me out like i i'll write something and i'll do like s-o-e-m instead of s-o-m-e and it just gives me the red swiggle and doesn't do like an autocorrect bro like bro it's something it's very obviously the word something i have i have an issue myself where I can't say very anymore. Because it autocorrects to Bert every time. Ha!

We've been saying Bert too often? I guess. But very... Well, have you been having the abs and and problem? No. I think other people have had this. I don't think I'm alone. I'm trying to write and.

A-N-D. And it just corrects to abs. I think I talked about it on here. Because then then like right after i come i didn't i didn't do this okay i i was having a problem where my phone had just updated you tried it tried your hardest on that one my phone had like just updated so i think maybe something like did change but i would be like yeah nick, Nick and John. And it would just autocorrect to abs, A-B-S. And I was like, the most common word in the world is going to be abs?

And then it was funny because you had posted that picture on Instagram where you were kayaking. And I was like, motherfucking John has abs. And it autocorrected to and. Really? I was like, ah, you son of a bitch. But I learned, I finally finally learned you know when people were like oh if you go in your settings you can like add words yeah yeah i've done that i could

i've been doing the wrong thing because i i thought people always told me to make a contact with the with the name and then it'll correct that i didn't hear that yeah i just finally learned how to actually do the keyboard it's a keyboard replacement is what it is that's what you got to search um that that i finally learned how to do yeah text replacement is the thing so i i did abs and and duck and fuck uh t TBAG, T-B-A-G. I always do that for that. So I have that in there. And then T-O-F-S-Y is today.

Because I misspelled those two things so often that the iPhone picked it up as like a real word. They were like, oh, that must be like somebody's name. So then I had to put it in there. And then this is the one that comes stuck. Oh, yeah. Which is crazy. Yeah. On my way with an exc exclamation point you can't do an autocorrect exclamation point it's dangerous man it's nuts but text replacement I know I'm very late to the game but I remember when people told me about this and I thought I was doing it and I've been doing it

wrong the whole time so if you are like me and you're stupid text go to keyboards and text replacement is where it's at I I've known about this forever. I'll die knowing about it. I did it in the wrong thing. I did it in the wrong place for many years. What was that voicemail? Times you Googled.

You don't think you've ever gotten it? I'm sure I have, but nothing sticks out. My thing is definitely more... I also never Google porn sticks out. Yeah. My thing is definitely more. I also never Google porn. I just go to porn. That was weird. Yeah.

I don't Google porn. No results is tough. They usually will give you like the next closest thing or it doesn't include this word. My thing is definitely more spell check will get you like no recommendations. Oh, yeah. You are so wrong. I got nothing for you. I am a search engine fucking infinite

wisdom and I can't even tell you, I can't even guess what word you're going for. That's bad. That is rough. Alright, last voicemail of the day brought to you by 3Chi. If you haven't already listening or watching KFC Radio on 3Chi is an

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What do we got? All right, boys. What's up? And sup to Jackie. Double sup to Jackie. So I just got home from work. This is an immediate thing. I just felt like I had to tell you.

I got home. I got in the shower. It's about 11 I got home. I got in the shower. It's about 11.30 at night when I get in the shower. And, uh, I was just getting my blood drawn the other day. So my, you know, where my... This. This. Part.

Yikes. Is all bruised, right? So I look like a fucking heroin addict. So I'm in the shower and I'm Snapchatting people I usually Snapchat. And I'm showing them the bruise on my arm saying like making a joke about well heroin. And apparently in the background was my dick.

What in the fuck? And I sent it to 13 people. Oh, no. Including four girls that I work with full time. Oh, my God. All the time. Bro, this is something. It kind of worked out for me.

I honestly think I should have done this a long time ago, maybe, because they all handled it like absolute pros. But I'm also on Adderall, so it's not a good hang day. If it was on my dick, I would have done some prep, you know. I mean. But I don't know. Is there anything like that? No.

No. I can definitively say I never was making a heroin joke to 13 people, including four coworkers with my dick in the background. I'll go as far to say he shouldn't have been doing the heroin joke in the first place with the coworkers. I guess I don't know the dynamic. Yeah. But I actually missed that.

How did he get the bruises? Yeah, for real real i don't think we're talking about you know the uh the c-suite hey as a kitchen staffer myself i can say stuff like that no shade but i just yeah i don't think we're talking about the c-suite at the at the the penthouse you know with window to floor uh i don't know if i'm a floor windows like when i was working on the kitchen staff one day a guy came in and clearly very much still on heroin from the night before. And then everyone I work with proceeded to talk about

their heroin stories. Jesus. And they were all like clean-cut people at this point in their lives. And apparently, they had a fucking ass. Everyone got a taste of the H.

Yo, by the way. And then it turns out they all had DUIs and that's why they all fight to work. I could have told you. Did you know that Nick Hamilton

makes such a good burger that when he was on the kitchen staff of this restaurant, he regularly wouldn't wake up in time. He'd go to bed so late the night before cleaning the kitchen that he would sleep in the next day. He got the talent. Like, if you want the burger. They would send people to his house to wake him up. Wow. To get him in.

We need your burger. Because they were like, we need the Hamilton burger. The ham burger. Yeah, it was for the breakfast shit. It was really like no one else wanted to do that shift and they weren't going to go. How good's your burger though? It was more the omelets than anything. I'm just like quick on it and I like.

Nice and fluffy and you know not runny. Plus they were always usually the ones serving me the night before. So they're like, all right, well, we know he's in bed. Got to go wake him up because we need his expert burger. That's awesome. You'd think you'd just be like, we're going to find a new guy to make the omelets. He doesn't come. Steve, you know, every morning you got to go wake up Dick.

Yeah. How about Steve just practice making omelets instead, bro. Jesus Christ. Yeah. The, uh... But wait, wait, wait. I don't get... I guess, like, if I was taking a picture of my arm and my dick was just...

Like, how do you even do this? Yeah, I mean, like, I've taken a few pictures in showers in my day. I'm always very careful. Ones I didn't want to dick in i'm always like okay i'm naked right now i'm gonna make sure my cock's not in this picture yeah i guess if i was just like this you can actually see my cock in that one a little bit like that yeah yeah so i guess that's how it happens but But it's impossible to miss. No, see, I actually disagree. I think you have blinders on when you are looking for a specific thing. If I took a picture of us, everybody knows you look at yourself, right?

And so I'll look at me and I'll be good to go and not realize that your dick was out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do think that happens. You're just like, oh, does my hair look okay? And you're not looking at the fact that there's a booger in your nose or whatever the fuck it is because you're like, that one thing is what I was focusing on. And also things in the background, they kind of just get, there's skin, there's water.

It's just like, oh, I thought it was a shadow. Oh, it was my dick. It's my bat wing dick that only goes left. That guy, all-timer. I mean, that guy, I need more of that dude. I don't know what his life is. That was preposterous. I mean, getting home at 1130 dude I don't know what his life is that was preposterous getting home at 1130 it's a little early for kitchen staff

I'm going to put it all together some kind of bar waiting staff four girls who are waitresses we're the bar backs and the bartenders they've seen my dick we all joke about heroin he's probably going to fuck one of those girls

I would panic in my dick. We all joke about heroin. He's probably going to fuck one of those girls. Yeah. I mean, I would panic living that at work. Oh, the worst. They handle it like a pro. There's a difference between sending that and sending like... Give me... It's a bit long of a list,

but maybe you can bang it out. If you were to do this, the 13 people and the four women that you would prefer to have sent it to. Fuck me. That's impossible. At Borstal. That's not possible.

You were going to send a dick pic. You just showed your dick on camera. Yeah. I'll fucking list the nine guys pretty quick. All right. Ready? I'll do mine. Frankie.

He can see my dick. John. Rudy. Nick. Zach, you can't see you, you little pervert. Pavs. Clem. Six.

I really don't... No, Robbie, because one time I sent him that girl's ass and he was cool about it. So I think he'll be cool about it. Three, four, five, six, seven. Two more. Trent. Joey Camasa,

and the four girls. I don't know. This is probably illegal to even do this, but like Kelly, I don't think you can go to Jackie. I can't have that. If I didn't work with Jackie, I would pick Jackie,

but I can't be like, hey, Jackie, did you do that video for me?'t be like, hey, Jackie. Did you do that video for me? She's like, no, my eyes are blinded forever. Kelly. Kelly. I mean, I have a couple that ran through my mind,

but I'm like, I don't know about that. No, no, no. Daniela, she knows how to keep secrets. Kate and Erica Nardini. I would say, okay, so I'm going to go. I'll go everyone in the room. So that's, we have six there. I don't think I said Nick, but did I say Nick? I could send my dick to Nick. So that's... We had six there. I don't think I said Nick, but did I say Nick?

Yeah. I can send my dick to Nick. Yeah, I did say Nick. Okay. You did. I have the same list. I'd probably... Ah, fucking cunt. I probably wouldn't take anyone off the list.

I would just expand it. Because I'm going to abstain. I'd add... More people see my dick. I'd add Danx. I think Dan's seen it. PFT for sure. I think PFT's seen it. Okay, how about this? Give me your top three worst. Two guys and a girl.

I'd put Dave on here. I feel like Portnoy would be like, he'd keep a secret, I think. Well, he's federal crime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not going to post anybody else's dick. He's already posted Smitty's. He did?

Oh. Never mind, Dave's off the list. Dave's off the list. Dave can't keep content to himself, but he has been the victim of a federal crime so he would maybe have respect for it

but man to man privately like he would just bust balls unless you have like a great dick on you yeah if you had like

anything less than your best dick and Dave saw it he would you know honestly God I'm gonna I'm gonna I

the list of who can't see my dick in this company is far smaller than the list of who can yeah see my dick in this company is far smaller than the list of who can. Yeah. That's a fact. But the people who can't, I think I had one in my head that I was like, no way.

Who was it? Jackie is the girl who can't see it. Can't work. I would not be comfortable. That's like an underling Underlings can't really What do you mean? She's a senior producer

You're definitely Jackie's boss I would not want the dog seeing my dick Nate's probably seeing my dick too I don't want the dog having my dick I think what we're learning is a lot of people in this company are seeing my dick. Seeing your dick is different than having your dick. I don't want the dog having my dick. He's a wild card.

He's a wild card. The things that have come out of his mouth about me, he'd be like, oh, yeah, well, I'm sending your dick out to the internet. The dog can't have my dick. This is a good list. Again, I'd put Rowan on there, Tarani, KB, Owen. Yeah, a lot of people can see my dick. I put Hank on here.

I put KB, Nick, Owen. I'm just going to try to go through the office. Dana? Dana, definitely. Dana, Marty. Dana, Marty. What about Big T? Big T probably

would commit a hate crime on me if I did that. That was funny. I would say that... Oh, Will Compton for sure. Will Compton's why I've seen it. See, I was going to say Whatever happened up at

Tail of the One Whatever happened at fucking Whistlepig I really This is just a list of men Who I'd like to see my penis That is You boys want a fucking ride, sure

I When it comes to like The safety of it all And like If I was worried about it, let's say You know what I mean The one guy I would trust with my cock Honorable man I think Captain Collins the safety of it all. And like, if I was worried about it, let's say, you know what I mean? The one guy I would trust with my cock,

honorable man, I think captain cons cons definitely. Yeah. Cons would be like, everyone else on this list. I'm okay with what, what, like they would all say, don't worry,

dude, I won't show anybody. And they would show somebody. I think captain cons would not show a soul. If I told him, Oh, I can definitively promise you. I wouldn't show a soul. Yeah. You somebody. I think Captain Cons would not show a soul if I told him not to. Oh, I can definitively promise you I wouldn't show a soul. Yeah, you too.

I think almost everybody else in the world, when they say, like, don't worry, I didn't tell anybody, they told somebody. And including myself. Oh, I might tell someone. I wouldn't show someone. That's different, though. I think when it comes to pictures, I think people... Unless they ask. You know what I like doing?

If I have a picture of something I'm not supposed to have a picture of and someone asks as long as it's not like that bad I'll be like you can look at it but I'm not sending it to you you can see and that's it take a mental snapchat that's it but yeah Captain Cons I think would keep my dick real safe

enough talking about dicks let's get into our interview with Danny Lopriore where I mean I'm sure we talked about dicks for about 75% of the time. Alright, today's interview with Danny is brought to you by Revitalite. Advanced rehydration for when you got that dehydration going on that will replenish the vital fluids

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It's Danny Lowe on KC Radio. Let's talk to him. The word, man. Looking sharp. What is that? Is that like a linen type? What do we got here? I feel it.

It's Zara. Zara's not really fat friendly, so you got to know people there. Zara's kind of a pain in the ass. Well, you can't claim the fats anymore if you keep losing this weight, man. Yeah, I know, man. It's just for this fucking wedding, dude. When's that? It is in May of next year.

Getting married in... Oh, you fucked it up. Why? You started too soon. Why? Because you're going to run out of gas and be like, fuck this. I want to eat in, you said May? By March or April, you're going to be like, fuck it.

What you should have done was have an eating disorder for the last two, three months. See, that's what I'm going to try and do. On top of all this already that you're losing. What I'm going to try and do is I'm going to try and give myself an eating disorder a little bit. You know what I mean? Not so much that I get flack for it. Go through old Beyonce songs and call her out and stuff.

Go after Lizzo. It's kind of like the whole thing. I'm getting married in Spain. Oh! España. Whereabouts? Mallorca? Mallorca. I don't know why I asked. I've rented like a. Oh, yeah.

I know that spot. I've been to Spain a couple of times. I know a few spots. Just getting married in New York City sucks. It's so fucking expensive. Getting married anywhere sucks. We don't know that. Is it just straight up destination or is there a tie to Spain?

Like, is there a reason why? Her family. So my fiance is Cuban. I've done like a mutt on her other side. Shout out for saying I was Italian and Irish the other day, by the way. No, I said you were Puerto Rican and Irish. Puerto Rican and Irish. What are you? I'm Puerto Rican and Italian.

Italian, yeah. I mean, same thing. There's somebody I know that is a Puerto Rican Irish and I remember being like, they don't fuck around. And then we had Aubrey Plaza and she obviously doesn't fuck around. She's the same mix. If my name comes up And then we had Aubrey Plaza, and she obviously doesn't fuck around. She's the same mix. If my name comes up in a conversation with Aubrey Plaza, I'm good. In fights, I really think that you had a shot, bud.

Dude, I'm telling you. She was feeling my man right there. She was like, what's your name? What's your fucking? She was like asking you all the questions. She'd be like, so where are you from? What's your sign? How big is your dick?

There were some sparks. I had a little fucking. I don't catch vibes. from what's your sign how big is your dick there were there were some sparks there was i had i had a little fucking i i was catching i don't catch vibes and i was the first time ever feidelberg was not missing the signal yeah but usually i'm looking like do you are you gonna do you want me to put the dick in for you like how are you missing all these signs man see i've always been one of those guys though that is have thought feidelberg is a good looking guy why you say that so surprised? Because you have

brain stuff like me, right? You've taken a sticky sock vacation? A sticky sock vacation. You've been inpatient before. What? Have you ever gotten inpatient in the same as I have? Oh, no, no, no. I've never had it. So I've been on a sticky sock vacation. I go to hospitals

and get those regular ones. I love those. I was going to say, you technically, you just a sticky sock. I go to hospitals and get those, regular ones. I love those. I was going to say, you technically, you just do it different. You guys are on the same path, just parallel highways. Yeah, it is. It's basically, I go so destructive that I end up in a real hospital. Yeah, yeah. Trust me, I've done that too.

Shout out New York Presbyterian. Every time I've seen you with wacky hair and wacky mustache, wacky beard, I was like, this guy's not this guy knows there's something underneath there. Yeah, we say that. This is what this motherfucker does. He says... And you've got great fucking hair. Yeah.

Thank you. He has the great hairline. It's a zoom straight across from the forehead. I was actually the most shaving today. You have it too. I just have this naturally up here, though. It's a little bit high, but it's straight. I've always had the same way

so even when i kind of fuck even but the problem is it's the illusion of like i had a widow's peak when i was four so people like you're losing your hair i'm like i'm not i just always kind of had this peak thing you have that boom straight across you know i was the best one in the game jerry ferrara jerry ferrara's hairline is like here yeah yeah it's like his eyebrows no those aren't good i don't like this sorry jerry uh i got a buddy with that he's got three head it's fucking great it's too small yeah no jerry's is it's it's it's on point um but what feidelberg has openly said he's done is if you grow a wacky beard people you can't how'd you word it?

it's like hiding the ugly by being like look at my beard so then you don't have to worry about what's underneath so when I was a little bit fatter I grew my beard longer because it would hide my fucking face well you know what I was trying to do? that's what everybody does with a beard

it was part of my mind because I was at that point this past, I'd started exercising and shit like that. And I was like, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to grow this crazy-ass beard. Stringy, weird, gross. Get hot. But meanwhile, I'm working out. Meanwhile, I'm in the gym fucking doing reps.

And then one day, I'm going to be like... Jawline. And then I did it it and it wasn't there I love it your glow is great you could be as healthy as you've been you have a classic face

you have like a if it was like 1935 it was depression right now I would kill it you would play like detectives in old movies I'll take that shit man your glow up is fantastic If it was depression right now, I would kill it. You would play detectives in old movies. I'll take that shit, man. That's what it would be.

Your glow up is fantastic. I love everything about it. Thanks, Danny. My fucking God. Get over here, baby. Another thing people don't know, Fidelberg's bigger than you think he is. He's jacked. You know what I mean? He's brolic.

How tall are you? 6'2". That's what I'm saying, dude. 6'3". I think I actually grew a little bit in my later years, and you're still way bigger than me. Dude, credit's good. Dude, you're a catch.

You're a catch. White man, light eyes, over six feet, good hair, good credit, fucked up brain, decent dick, Jewish last name. I mean, you got it all bro you should at the very least at the very least should be donating that sperm people will be fighting

for your cum dude you guys even check if she actually has a real sister cause girls do that sometimes they'll be like oh my sister oh oh yeah you're perfect for my other friend

I didn't fucking immediately google Aubrey Plaza sister the fucking second I got out of this room what are we talking about you gonna get in with her yeah we're gonna get married in Italy slide in the DM the fucking second I get out of this room. What are we talking about? You're going to get in with her? Yeah.

We're going to get married in Italy. Sliding the deal? I think you still have to... I bet she's not on social and I bet that's why I like her. I feel like you still have to decide whether you're marrying Kazzy David, right?

There's sparks there. There's some sparks there. Aubrey or her sister. I think Kazzy, God love her, she rolls with Alice Cooper now She might belong To the streets

Yeah One of the craziest Fucking turn of events Yeah Being in the Call her daddy gang How single are you now? I'm single

Single Uh oh Depends who's asking Right When was the last time You had sex? Uh I would guess

I had sex You would guess? Two or three weeks ago Two or three weeks ago We've been on the road I didn't have any sex on the road We are The worst

Live show Traveling thing ever I'm happy Nick made the flight We had a chick in Providence who was actively, like a hot chick who was like, I've never even seen this before. I don't know who you are. What's up?

I was like, can you leave me alone? We had girls come to the show with boyfriends that I know then looked into other people in the crew being like, oh yeah, that was just my friend that I brought. I distinctly remember you introducing your boyfriend to us.

I feel like I had a lot. Instead of going to a brewery, you had half a beer and went to bed. They ask us what's on our rider. We're like, my bag of Sour Patch Kids. I hate that question. People come to the show. It's like 50-50 guys, girls, and nothing happens. We've got fucking groupies galore

a crew of girls two girls came up to me to take a picture and they said it went from 0 to 100 it was like hi I'm Samantha we really love your show hi I'm Jessica seriously you got us through tough times our married friend wants to fuck you but she didn't come

and I was like oh ok and she was like I just wanted to tell you that and I was like well thank you because that did i have a couple that felt good i have a couple follow-ups when's the last time you had sex um uh yesterday yesterday well so that was the thing I went to this wedding over the weekend and it was

I couldn't come I didn't come at the wedding weekend wedding you couldn't finish no no no I just didn't have the opportunity to do anything

oh I thought you had like a limpy wiener no no that's a weird way to say that what like I couldn't come that's what it means

well because you were having sex yeah you're right but because my point being though is that like i needed to get the come out you know because that shit is poison bro it just builds up i gotta i gotta i gotta make a deposit clear the pipes i gotta get the come out you ever jay it too much and then you have sex and then they ask you why your load was so small you ever fake it every time i have sex dude you ever fake it? Every time I have sex, dude. You ever fake it and there's no evidence at all? I keep a hotel conditioner in my pocket. It's a quick draw.

Did you come fully? It's like I jerked off three minutes before you came. You're lucky it even got hard. At this point. Dude, what do you think about this? This is an idea I've pitched lately, that people who are happy, people who are in good moods, they don't need to come.

This is crazy. He's crazy, bro. All right. Elaborate a little bit, though, because that's like kind of, that's like too straightforward. So here's the deal. He's convinced himself that sex is bad and shit. When I'm good, when I'm good, when I'm happy and in a good spot. But you mean like long term, like not long term, but just like in life, you're good right

now, right? You mean like you're happy every day. You're not waking up depressed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to work. It work right well like a singular instant i'm saying it's a couple weeks or whatever no it's more you hope for a few days you hope for a few days stretch all right um the uh like when i'm good for a few days like i like i haven't jerked off in two days because i've been i've had a good two days and i like i don't like wake up like i'm not like i'm not like oh i'm gonna fucking pound off though get a little bit of dopamine to be able to have the courage to get

through the day kind of deal right like i think he he he equates coming with getting the dopamine and then getting the good feelings with depression which i think is by the way like that's not just like i i associate it heavily because there are days where I pull down the blinds and I'm like, I'm not getting out of bed, I'm just going to fuck. Yeah, but the thing is

that you've Pavlov'd yourself with masturbating. Probably. Yeah. Probably. I think of coming in and getting the bad out and getting the good in.

I think there's science behind it. No, because I feel like a lot of sad people have, I feel like sad people have more sex than happy people. I'll say that. For sure. Yeah, that's part of your message as well.

Because you have other things in your life that are making you happy. You don't need sex. Yeah, you're just chasing that little bit of happiness. But I think that that is probably the most unhealthy way to look at sex. I think that's... Like, I think if you're in a relationship or you're happy or you have, you know, a good sex life, it can be very good for you. I tend to think more towards masturbating than actual

sex. So when you're jerking off, having sex or making love is a little different. But still, when I'm good, I'm like, no, I'm good. I don't need to have that little rush. Where do you come harder? This is the big question. Do you come harder during sex or masturbating?

Oof. Good question. It depends. That's the truth. It depends. Really? You too? Yeah, because they're...

It's not even close for me. Where? Masturbating? What do you think? Sex for me. I come way harder during sex. I think I would lean towards masturbating. What?

I come way harder during sex. I think I would lean towards masturbating. What? I come way harder during sex. I think you come harder when you're doing the better thing. Yeah. Unless you're giving yourself great hand jobs. Yo, I fucking edge more pounding off than when I do. Well, that's true. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is where I'm going with this.

I think that you might have an unhealthy relationship with masturbation. Probably. Oh, definitely. I mean, anything might have an unhealthy relationship with masturbation. Probably. Oh, definitely. I mean, anything, any relationship he's got is unhealthy. But if your mind immediately goes to, like,

masturbating over sex... That's a problem. It might be an issue. It might be an issue with masturbation. Because people say that a porn addiction is the sign,

or one of, at least, is, like, when you prefer that over sex. I don't... I mean, if you're giving me the option, like, right here, catching, like, pussy on on the table laptop on the table yeah go on pussy yeah but you could still have like i'm not saying like you like i'm not i have an eight but wait by the

way you say of course of course some of the conversations we've had over the years that question was like a that was a coin flip in my mind what like if you had asked me what would john rather do i would have been like i i would have said pussy but i would have been like it's gonna be pretty close go out and fucking meet a girl and and fucking like talk to a girl in a club and okay all right not all that what if it was like uh you've got to uh let's just say you're on the apps i know you're not but let's just say you're on the dating apps you've got to entertain entertain and engage like a text conversation for like you talk to her like during like the afternoon. And then in the evening, you've got to have a conversation saying like, why don't you come over and we'll fuck.

And then they come over that night and do it. So it's like a one day, one night affair. But there's a decent amount of texting to a like entertain and be planned logistics. I think you're saying no to that. I jerk off. Yeah, no, but that's, that's got nothing to do with it. That's got nothing to do with the texting. That's like, dude, I'm Drake, baby.

No new friends. Like I've, I've fucked everyone. I'm going to fuck in my life. That's not the same. I'm just going back to the well. Yeah. We already have Pete and John's dick. I'm just going back to the well from now on. We already have a relationship established. When you know, there's something very fun about going back to the well,

as long as it's not crazy toxic and bad for you, where it's like, I know what you like. It's all off. And there is the problem. Therein lies the issue. Do you always need porn, or can you just go? No, no, no, no. You can go memory bank, right?

Memory bank, I think, is almost better the older you get. I'll do memory bank in the mornings, right? You wake up with a boner. I don't need to see a gaping asshole at 8 a.m. I will tell you this much. I have. I don't need to anymore. I won't look away.

The mornings, bro, motherfucking clockwork these days. And I know for most people, and that's nothing, I'm not saying anything crazy. Jane or Boner? Boner. I wake up fucking rock steady every morning. Is there a female equivalent? Making up just juice? Is there anything equivalent to morning wood for girls?

You're just sloppy down there in the morning? Oh my god. I woke up so fucking wet. I mean, I've definitely heard of girls waking up wet. Sometimes like horny. Do girls have wet dreams? Can you come in your sleep?

Grab a mic. Grab a mic, boo. Sleep squirt? Is that possible? No. I don't know. Is that mic on, Pass? It won't be like actual at least for me

but I'm whatever like actual what come won't orgasm sensation 99% of the time girls coming nothing's coming out so that's not surprising

I think what happens to me is I'll usually wake up you'll come you'll like you'll have an orgasm yeah oh so you wake up like mid-orgasm yeah that's lit i wish i could wait that or do you wake up afterwards and you're like i'm done like i just came like i like had a full like orgasm wow damn dude that's never had that happen to me that's amazing yeah he weird. He never had a wet dream at all. This one gets drunk as fuck, huh? I saw her on TikTok. Before you guys even posted, I saw her on TikTok. Where were you? Wait, before she was even at KC Radio, you mean?

No, no, no, no, no. When she was here, when she came home. The video. The video, she's all fucked up. She was just pinballing her way down like 3rd Avenue trying to get home or whatever it was. How old are you? 22. Oh, Jesus. enjoy your life yeah you have so many more of those lined up i'm so fucking jealous

yeah if i come home at 33 walking around like that like i need to go away yeah that's a problem yeah i need to go to rehab and like see like a whole bunch of shit you know what i mean you it's like it's like what age encourage you not get that shit face? When should that stop? Tell you what, I wouldn't have said 33, Danny. It's also so different for girls. I think she should stop doing that right now because she's stumbling around New York alone and she's going to get fucking human trafficked.

But as far as the behavior, I think you can do that until you're When's your master's though? I don't think it's an age thing because age is just a number I think it's

it's a life thing are you married do you have kids do you live alone do you live with people I think when you're married you get two of those a year

which sucks bro where like your wife is kind of like like what the fuck you're like I played I played 18 today and fucking

hung out at the bar afterwards aka I did all the things that I like and my wife's gonna only allow me to do it twice a year You're like, I played 18 today and fucking hung out at the bar afterwards. I did all the things that I like. My wife's going to only allow me to do it twice a year. And then once you have kids, you get one a year. Have your kids ever seen you just fucking shit-faced? No, no, no, no. You'll never do it.

No, I really, really don't think I ever will. And I don't, I do not, if I have my kids the next day, I don't care what the party is, man. You know, like fucking Jay-z could be like come come to the vip with me like we're partying with everybody and like and i'd be like uh i'll come thank you but like just a soda for me yeah being hung over with kids bro it is i actually don't know i did it when they were babies um nice and like i can't i'd never i haven't and probably never will do it at like this age

so I wonder what's worse like when they're six and five and they're like daddy, daddy, daddy, let's play, let's go somewhere, talk to me, help me, play with me or when it's like if something goes wrong, they're dead, you know what I mean like as a baby, you gotta clean their shit you gotta worry about, they're crying uncontrollably

or when you're hungover and they're just like pick me up and throw me around and play with me. And you're like, I don't know what's worse. We're never going to find out. But she's no joke. Being 22, like that was a weekly occurrence for me. I think that was his life. That was life.

That was your goal was you did all of your responsible things from Monday to like Friday at what? Four or five p.m. Yeah. You got the Friday. Good for you. You get the Friday. Thirsty Thursday. I mean, I don't even know if those are a thing anymore. Friday at what? 4 or 5pm? If you get to Friday, good for you. If you get to Friday, Thirsty Thursday.

I don't even know if those are a thing anymore. I usually start at Thursday and then would mail in Friday. For sure. And maybe do like a lunch, a big lunch, dip out early. So you walked home by yourself? Don't do that. But it was like a crowded street and shit, but didn't you just say something funny with the bouncer?

Yeah, she was so shit-faced so they wouldn't let her in but i think she said something like you know me come on or something like that where it was like i don't know you go the fuck out she's the best white girls get they become like black after a couple of You know what I mean? Come on, yo. Come on, man. We know people from around the way. How you doing? See me on fucking KC Radio. That's the only thing that really turns like, hey, guys, how are you? Get them like six shots of Patronin or Don Julio. These white girls become black.

So it's saying the N-word. Oh, yeah. I like to watch white girls before they're drunk singing lyrics to songs. And I'm like, after like a couple more of these fucking shots, I know that I know that I know it's coming, but you saw, I know that N word's coming out of Rebecca. Was it maybe six months ago? Those two girls went viral for rapping at the wedding. Oh, the fucking white trash girl with the vape.

That girl. Oh, we'll call her a little white trash girl with the vape? That girl? Oh, was that it? Bro, we'll call her a little white trash. That girl was like my dream girl. Bro, I was going to say, she is an angel. This girl, though? Yo, she had a Bud Light and a vape. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's automatic. She was like tiny Bud Light can. Both of her friends were fucking hot. Bud Light can at a wedding and a vape? Yeah. Like a gas station vape? That shit is white trash. Yeah.

I didn't know we were doing judging today. I'm sorry. No, no, that's just white trash yeah I didn't know we were being I didn't know we were doing judging today I'm sorry no no it's just I remember

but then she got caught right yeah she had she called a like a raccoon in n-word yeah it was a really funny tweet it was funny

she said something about a raccoon on the side of the world it was a bobcat it was a bobcat no no was it yeah I think so it was one of those animals

it was an animal like it scratched up and she was like in this level where she reached up and scratched me. Like, if you call it an inanimate object, an inanimate object,

but an inhuman object, the N-word, I don't know, I think it's funny. Yeah, it's like, doesn't anybody look like her? So where I used to live at in Yonkers, my brother used to go to this pet store,

and they had a red parrot in the back named Tyrone. I used to call people the N-word all the time. With the A. With the A. He was a black parrot. He was a hood parrot, but he used to call people the N-word all the time. No shit. It's very funny.

Kids used to go in there and say it to him. And he used to say it all the time. His name was Tyrone. Just poisoning the mind of a parrot. Have you seen this parrot on TikTok? It's this white kid, and his name is Alonzo. No. The African parrot.

And he's like, Alonzo, what color is this? He's like, red. You never seen it? No. He's like, what's this? And it's like, ding-a-ding-a-ding. He's like, that's a bell. That is real.

Bro, you have to look this shit up, bro. Wow. Look that shit up. Alonzo the parrot? Alonzo the fucking African parrot. And he's like, what color is this? He's like, purple. I watched this shit for like three hours.

How many words can it say? Mad shit. And then there's another one. I thought parrots could do like three words. Nah, dove deep on African parrot shit. Like one of those fucking dolls. You pull it and they can only say like five things. Yeah, he does like, they're like, oh, do this sound.

Like water. He's like. They're like, go in the like water he's like they're like do uh go in the spaceships like yeah look up this fucking parrot bro i love animals that can do human shit yeah yeah but like where does that like monkeys can do that parrots can do that where does that monkey can't fucking talk unless you're caesar no but i underrated movie trilogy by therated. I really fucking hate how much people don't bring that up. Yeah. Planet of the Apes is one of the best. Shout out to Trangie.

I fuck with it hard, but I think there's a big fall off. Dude, the first... The first one is amazing. No, I think two and three are my favorites. I think, yeah. No way. I almost went to see one just waiting for two and three. Like, I guess I'll see the first one.

What's my fucking guy? Fucking... What's his name? The big ass face one? Yeah. Jason Clark. Once Jason Clark gets involved. Yeah, see, I think Franco's one was better.

But either way, I love that shit. That is like a all time. Very underrated. Idea and franchise. Yeah, Jackie, get drunk. Is he on? It's on YouTube. You just go to YouTube he on? It's on YouTube. If you just go to YouTube. Oh, he's on TikTok.

And Alonzo, the African parrot. African gray parrot, I think. By the way, while Kevin looks this up, speaking of the rapping, the N-word, I had the best training for that when I was a kid, when I was younger. I had a buddy who was black, and he would always

just randomly hit the, randomly turn the music off in the middle of songs. To see if he could catch it. That was the game you could play. That's the game that you could play fun-wise. Yeah, yeah. Is this it? No, you gotta go to another one.

This is a parrot, then. No, no, no. It's a gray parrot. I'll find it. Hold on. Yeah, I watched this parrot for like four hours. Alonzo the parrot. Am I spelling it wrong?

I hate how TikTok continues to play in the background. What a fucking shit app that is. That's nonsense. What app is that? It's TikTok. It just keeps playing when you're not on it? Mm-hmm. That's nonsense. What app is that? It's TikTok. You just keep playing when you're not on it? That's insane. Is it Apollo?

Apollo? Apollo. Apollo and friends. How fucking Italian am I? There's this fucking parrot. And Alonzo. Fucking talks his shit. He knows fucking colors, bro.

But wait, this guy is a... He's a little strange. No, but this is the owner? Yeah, yeah. And he trained it to say the N-word? No, he didn't train it to say the N-word. That was the one... That was a bunch of Puerto Rican and black kids.

This is a white guy that taught him colors. All right, we'll check that out. But that is the thought of just like, you know, someone shopping for whatever pet fucking thing they need or whatever they're doing at the bodega. And it's just dropping bombs on you. Pear wants to square up. I'll fight a fucking parrot.

I'll fight any animal to be honest. I know if you have this two samurai swords, what animal, where does it stop that? The animals you can kill. Damn dude. Kind of hard. You know what? We'll save that for answer. You know, think about it. Cause that's, we're going to do that with you afterwards. it's kind of hard you know what we'll save

that for answer you know think about because that's we're gonna do that with you afterwards that's one of the questions all right because the question is actually with two samurai swords do you think you could kill a gorilla which we is like no fucking way yeah but like there's no could you fuck up like a mountain lion or you know where does it stop i just think that like animals they have adrenaline sources like us. So when they're in fight mode, they could take a shot and get fucked up and lick their wounds. If I'm not like Uma Thurman, like Kill Bill in the gray scene, like cutting lions' heads off and shit, that motherfucker's going to fuck me up.

Most animals on Earth will fuck you up. Yes. Almost all. Almost all. A squirrel will fuck me up most animals on earth will fuck you up yes almost all almost like i i was gonna say i you think about like i've never even touched a squirrel a raccoon a fucking you know little animal like and if they were going at you yeah i'd be like ah wait whoa whoa i don't care how long i live in new york i'm still scared of rats yeah rats pigeons one rat that's the question like one rat could end me yeah how many how many

rats before you'd be overrun it's like i would be but also it's different of if i knew yo right now like behind that door you have to fight for your life and it's going down and i open it up and it's like a fucking squirrel i'd be stopping yeah it's a matter of like am i walking am i just walking down the block bro you get involved big thing, I'm involved in a big thing. Yeah, huge man. Panic in those situations. It's like,

everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth. Yeah, you got like, I mean like, that thing would be fucking just climbing all over you. Like,

you gotta try and grab it. You can't get it. It's like one of those fucking things in the mummy. Did you ever see that? Yeah, there's beetles. Did you ever see that dude

like, with the adopted cat? No. He's like, this is, oh my God. If you guys just need to see this video, I adopted cat? No. He's like, this is... Oh, my God. If you guys need to see this video, I'm going to look it up. But most animals on Earth will fuck your shit up.

Most. A raccoon, maybe I could take. I don't know. I feel like they got... Yeah, but they got these little ass shits. I know, but that also means they can grab and shit. So they're going to be like... Also, you know, mix in a little rabies little remember that lady that got her face ripped off by that

she got a face now yeah it's not great though no i mean that's one of the og one of the og like blog topics where you know probably that i think that happened in 07 08 09 something like that and uh so like we blogged it when it first happened. And then you blog an update. And then you blog, are there going to be criminal charges? And then five years later, you hear about the surgery. And it's like, I feel like I know this woman who got her face beaten in by a fucking chimpanzee. I followed your whole story.

Same thing as the guy in Florida who keeps getting caught fucking the pool raft. Oh, yeah, that's right. It's like every year, it's like another, you know. Oh, he did it again. The monkey ate her face, though. Yeah, just fucking ate it. But like, of course, dude. Eating a face. Ate her face. That's the most gangster shit I've ever heard of any species ever do.

Knowing your face is like currently being dissolved by monkey acid and stuff like that. And then like knowing a monkey to shit your face out. It's such a white thing to do, too. Like own an orangutan. That's why, like, we're so do, too. Own an orangutan. That's why any... We're so bored, bro. We need some hardships.

Anybody who owns a monkey, or you're a lion tamer, or a SeaWorld person, every day could be the last day. It's true. Because you're fucking booping them on the nose, wh them training them i heard michael jackson used to hit bubbles bubbles was a giraffe was not his monkey like he would slap the shit out of that yeah like he would g-check that shut up like slap the fuck out of people have gone on record they were like he would g-check bubbles all the time. Mike was a gangster, bro. Mike had some G tendencies.

How could you not be when you're like, I don't care what your demeanor kind of is, when you're like the king of pop and you're worth a zillion, you're the most famous person on earth. You've been getting fucking your ass kicked since you were two. Yeah. You've been taking shots. You know, Gary Indiana's a shithole. Yo, you know what is really crazy though and i just saw this recently somebody posted like all of his you know through the years like

it's been a joke forever but i still don't think we talk enough about how he turned into like a white woman it's crazy i think we just like i think we've done it so much to death that it happened so much that we just accepted it. But it's like if all of a sudden who's like if – Thriller Mike was perfect. Yeah, right in between that. Thriller Mike was just like – Yeah, like you straddle the line. Like we know you kind of want to be white Mike, but that's all right.

It's fine. Now people call him white passing passing and he'd be like that's enough okay I'll stop now I think white passing didn't exist back then and he did the nose

like the pinched nose but I'm just like who's like a black R&B star right now as a guy more Drake but Drake's already

kind of like white more like a rapper but if like I don't know if fucking like Kodak Black all of a sudden became like a white guy

just the way I guess it's because of social media and whatnot sammy when he turned he turned into became a white vampire bro that's what he turned into he wasn't even human that was weird too because then people like people try to make fun of him they're like whoa whoa whoa whoa he's this is about much more than that and like i think they brought up like machismo and like like dominican they're uh i don't fucking care that's fucking weird being puerto rican i could speak on this a little bit so like there's dark-skinned puerto ricans of african descent right so like my mom's from taino descent which is like the native americas that were there right so a lot of puerto ricans and dominicans from african descent don't really like to say

that they're black right they just say just say they're Puerto Rican. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Have you ever seen David Ortiz? He's like, yo, what's up, all my black friends? Yeah. They're very specifically Dominican. This is back in 2011.

We had a full debate in the office. Is David Ortiz black? Yeah. I was like, yes, he is black. They're like, no, he's Dominican. I'm like, well, he's both. He's 100%. That's like if a black guy is born in France.

He's French, but he's black. You know what I mean? That's just what it is. So there's a lot of identity crisis issues in the Caribbean like that. I would call David Ortiz Hispanic. You wouldn't say David Ortiz is black? No, I would say he's Dominican or Hispanic. See, that's what it is.

And they, not all, but they like to say that too. I'm say he's like Dominican or Hispanic. See, that's what it is. And they, not all, but they like to say that too. I'm not black. I mean, if you were to ask me like, what does he look like, a black man, but like knowing that he's Big Papi Ortiz, he's from the Dominican. Yeah, he's like almost like racially ambiguous.

Yeah. Like David Ortiz is kind of white. I was just going to say, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like a fucking teddy bear he's like a he's like a he's like a mascot a human mascot yeah it's if someone who just like never took off the fucking helmet and just always like he's got one-liners and he's just always here to entertain it's like he's not even a real he's living he was one of my favorite interactions at the old old barceló office where because at the old office, we just had individual bathrooms. Yeah, yeah.

So I was just taking a piss one day. We still don't get who's coming to the office. We don't know what guest is going to be and all that stuff. And I was taking a piss. And I just opened the door. And Poppy's just standing in the door frame. It was one of those perfectly timed things. He hadn't even touched the handle yet.

Have you met him before that? No, that was the first time. Oh, wow. So I was just standing there. And he's already in the handle yet. Have you met him before that? No, that was the first time. He's already in the door frame and he's so wide. I was like, oh! David. David Ortiz. He's like, what's up? He didn't care about being in the bathroom, but he's always

on. He's one of those guys. Imagine if he went by Dave. It would be terrible. Dave Ortiz. I think it was like that at one point when he's like twins pre-steroids dave not puppy we're going to change that puppy no it's david we did uh one of my favorite videos with him ever we did a uh home run derby with him but in order to work the sponsor in it was was pop chips, I think, some sort of chip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we made salsa. The chips they give you on JetBlue now?

Yeah. It was like supermarket sweep sort of thing. Run into the store, grab as many ingredients as you can under $10, and then you have to make a homemade salsa. David Ortiz will judge it and tell you who the best one was. So some people were trying to make real salsa. I grab all sorts of weird shit, I got marshmallows and I throw the marshmallow in and I'll never forget him. He takes a scoop and eats it.

And he just goes, who the fuck put marshmallows in the salsa. And it was like, it was like mad libs, like David Ortiz, marshmallows, salsa. He was,

he was a cool cat. He also told me to take the bat out of my ass and swing. He was letting it fly. It was early. It was awesome. He's a legit dude. Gunshot victim. Right?

Survivor. OG shit. People forget that. Watch out. We had footage of that shit, man. Bobby was almost dead. We had footage of that. Hasn't Big Puck got assassinated in Dominican?

That feels like something. Didn't that guy end up disappeared the next day? They caught him down the street and beat the dog shit out of him. You don't fuck with Ortiz in the Dominican. There was some other stuff going on. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to say. I don't want to get in trouble.

What do you think? Do you think that would be an assassination if David Ortiz got killed? 100%. You think so? If somebody shoots you. If I shoot you, it's an assassination. No. Yeah, dude. I think the definition is that there's got to be a political motive. 100% you think so if somebody shoots you if I shoot you it's an assassination no yeah dude

I think the definition is that there's gotta be a political motive why you guys have I've looked this up before no he was fucking some chick right that's what I mean though so it's like

to be an assassination yeah like what level is it an assassination when somebody goes I'll give you this amount of money to kill that person they're getting paid

to assassinate you but that's what I'm saying like oh again the technical definition yeah the actual definition though is it has to be like a political motivation okay so like if they're getting paid to assassinate you. That's what I'm saying. The technical definition. The actual definition, though, is it has to be a political motivation. When John Lennon almost got assassinated,

I think he was so politically outspoken that that would qualify as an assassination. When John Lennon almost got assassinated? Because he did get assassinated. He did get assassinated. He died, right? He's super dead. I didn't know if he died from it. I guess I think Reagan maybe.

That's Ronald Reagan. They attempted. He was like, hey! Yeah, that was awesome. Reagan survived getting assassinated. The next time he was speaking when a balloon popped and he said something like, you almost got me.

You missed, yeah. That's savage as fuck. But if Drake got murdered tomorrow by a crazy fan, I think that's famous enough, but I don't think because there's a political motivation, I don't think it's

technically an assassination. Yeah, I think if it goes into like the ranks of hired guns by people with immense power, that becomes an assassination. So how about someone

like Joe Rogan? He's like really popular. That would be an assassination. So how about someone like Joe Rogan? He's like really popular. Yeah, Rogan would be assassinated. That would be an assassination. And it's because he's politically outspoken. I guess it depends who does it and why. Rogan can get murdered and he can also be assassinated. What if a trans person murdered Dave Chappelle?

Is that an assassination? Sure. Yes. Yes. Because there's just certain people that are in a different echelon of things. As long as they yell six San Petranas beforehand. What as long as they yell six San Petranas beforehand what they gotta yell

six San Petranas beforehand it's what fucking John Wilkes-Bleu said before he shot damn fucking history book over here Secret Service

has thankfully gotten better you know what I mean hey I can get so close to the president I could shoot him in the back of the head how is that possible yeah that was

you know well I think until then it was kind of like nothing to worry about you know what I mean I think until then, it was kind of like, I don't have anything to worry about. You know what I mean? I guess like back then, they fought in the war and shit.

Imagine now. Yeah. Fucking just biting out their fucking... Dude, back then, no one even knew what he was. Forgetting where he is and shit. Just walk around with a rifle, fucking Kuwait.

What side am I on here? He's all fucked up. He's like... You could... Back then, you could kill him because you... Back then, they probably didn't even need secret service because how would you know what he looks like?

That's true. Right? There's some artist depiction in the fucking newspaper. That is true. The other thing, too, that I've always loved about America, which is why America is the greatest nation in the world, is because they've somehow tricked all these other countries to fight at their house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just like, we're going to go to war, but not here. We're going to come to your crib, and we'll bomb you over there. We're going to come to your crib and we'll fight you over there. We'll give you a home field advantage. We're not fucking making a mess over here. No.

The cleaning lady was just here last week. But yo, that's why, fucking shout out to the Atlantic Ocean, man. And the Pacific. I love that bitch. That shit has saved us so much headache. So many headaches. Because no one's coming to our soil.

If someone could imagine... When it's Canada or Mexico, it's like, I wish a bitch would. Yeah, right. Like, how dare you? If someone could imagine... When it's Canada or Mexico, it's like, I wish a bitch would. Yeah, right. Like, how dare you? If someone fucking touched American soil these days,

aside from the people who live here and consistently do it every goddamn day at schools and shit like that, other than that, if somebody tried to fuck with America,

it would be lights out, man. Yeah, that's problems. We still got the juice. I think people thought America lost the juice. We still have a lot of the juice left over. And you know... It's not as loud about it. Also, I'll tell you why I think people thought America lost the juice. We still have a lot of the juice left over. It's not as loud about it.

Also, I'll tell you why I think we have more juice. Is that we realized that Russia has no juice. No. Putin's like this. And they're like, you know you need like 11 people to say yes to even like fart in this country? That's what it was. Once they, like, I thought that war was going to, is that war still going on? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I thought that was going to be over like in 24 hours. It was like, oh, you guys stink. Your soldiers stink. Nobody cares. You guys are fucking bums. So once that happened, I was kind of like, oh, shit. No, we are still a superpower.

China's a different story. We might have to worry about China. China I'm a little worried about. China can fucking. China is a wagon, dude. China's got a big old dumper on it. They are dangerous. One of the all-time cold takes ever was when, I feel like it was the Senate in the 90s.

I think it might have been Clinton who said, what are they going to do? Learn how to regulate the internet? And the entire chambers laughed. I think they said it's like learning how to regulate the internet would be like nailing Jell-O to the wall. Well, guess what they figured out, dude? Jell-O's hanging up. Jell-O's above the mantel button. That Jell-O ain't coming down. They got that shit

fucking locked up there. I also feel like this too, and I tweeted it as soon as COVID happened before it got serious and everybody started dying and shit if you believe that there's some people out there don't believe that kovat killed people um i don't i think if harambe never died kovat never happens whoa really yeah i think what's the butterfly because harambe's death was the start of so many things going bad in america right school shootings went out i'm not even i'm not even i'm not even joking i'm not even joking was the start of so many things going bad in America. Right.

School shootings went up. I'm not even joking. I'm not even joking. Okay. And I'm not trying to joke about school shootings. No. I'm just saying statistically. If you want to, it's okay to. Yeah, yeah.

So school shootings have gone up, right? Our country has gone through one of the biggest divisive eras ever, besides back in the day, right? But that was happening before. Not as bad. You remember 2008? That also coincided with Donald Trump becoming the president. But racist people

the entire time that Barack Obama was president they held in a fart. And the fart was just saying the N-word as loud as possible. Did you see that guy a year ago in Florida that smacked the shit out of that bartender, the neo-Nazi? He was walking around with a swastika

tattooed on his chest and shit. He couldn't do that. He couldn't do that 10 years ago. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, as soon as Trump got in there, people were a little more like, alright, we up. You know, that's just kind of like what happened and i blame this all that those fucking people that shot harambe i

think covid never happens if harambe is still alive it's the butterfly effect but it's the how does uh how does the bat over in china like where's the correlation there because i think if harambe never gets shot it's the butterfly effect so like you know the butterfly effect right yeah yeah yeah so if harambe never goes, I think a lot of people are even still alive. I think Pauly Walnuts is still alive if Harambe never dies. I think Ray Liotta. Why are all

these gangster people dying at the same time? That was suspect. That was really weird. What's going on? Who was the other one? Ray Liotta, Pauly Walnuts. Pauly Walnuts is a real gangster, though. The guy who cut the garlic. Put it on onions in a gangster. The guy who cut the garlic. Yeah.

The guy who put onions in the sauce. The garlic in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the,

in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the,

in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the,

in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the,

in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the,

in the, in the, in the, Paul, Paul Sorvino, Tony Sirico. Tony did time though. Yeah.

Like he was like a real gangster. Yeah. You know, he's a real gangster. The, the Yankee fan went viral last week during the subway series who was on the phone

when Joey Gallo. Yeah. Yeah. I was, I was, you know, if I see, I was getting loose talking shit about that guy. And then somebody sent me one of those charts. Those like family trees. Yeah.

I was like, nevermind, sir. Because I see you and your baseball team are very good. If I ever see still to this day, like an Italian guy that lives in like a nice house. And this is like self, like,-prejudice against my own people. But when I see an Italian guy with a three-story house and a big-ass TV, and then they talk like that, I'm like, all right, what are we doing here? Definitely, though. But I don't think that's like –

You know what I mean? I'm like, listen, I grew up around a ton of you. More often than not. I usually knew where these houses come from. So in my mind, I'm like, oh, this guy's connected. And he might every chance be like, no, dude know i'm a day trader for goldman sachs but even he would have to be like yeah i know it looks like this you know how many come on you know how many masonry fucking fronts i my dad used to bring me construction and rocks and all that shit it's like you guys aren't even

trying how much fucking gravel you guys need it's fucking outrageous moving it from one side to the other like come on, man. I just think that when Harambe died, I took it way too personally. But honestly, I just blame anything bad that happens in this country is because Harambe. Because Harambe. Because we lost Harambe. How much money for you to throw your kid into a Harambe tank? Realistically?

Yeah. All right. Give me percentages, though. Like how... Chances he'll die. Chances he'll die. Chances he'll die. Do they have the option of killing the gorilla? Yeah, whatever.

What happened could happen. They just sniped him and it's over. Or he could have just thwap, threw that kid across the tank, or the cage, whatever it's called. I'm trying to factor in college payments. I would throw my baby pretty much into anything for about $10 million. $10 million?

Yeah, I'd throw my baby into any kind of mess. I'd throw my baby into outer space for $10 million. Just the first day in space? No, because if you think about it, think about back in the day when those people put their kid in, they tried to lie and say they put their kid in a balloon. Oh, yeah, yeah, balloon boy. That was a hoax.

My daddy made up a story. I wouldn't be the dad that made up a story. I'd really send him up in that fucking bitch. That was, and I've said it a million times, my favorite day on the internet ever. I don't really remember. I don't know if you were here. I was here. You were?

I was. It was like 2010 then. It was like early. I remember. The only thing I remember is like where I was sitting on my couch. I want to say it was like the first week of. That was a great story. I loved it.

Of when I. Fucking Balloon Boy Hoax. I want to say it was like August, October 2009. So I started. So I wasn't here then. So I wasn't here. It resonated with you. Yeah. Like Karambe for me. I started Barstool. I thought for sure I was here. I started Barstool October 2009. So I started. So it actually resonated with you. Yeah.

Like Carambe for me. I started Barstool. I thought for sure I was here. I started Barstool August 2009. And so within six weeks, I got this thing that falls on my lap, right? And I remember. What great content. It was amazing, Danny.

What great content. I remember. There's a boy in a bubble flying around. They're following that shit like a police when you get like the air force involved in your prank you're fucking killing it killing it you pulled officers

for this fucking balloon you pulled a prank so good the president found out about it we wish balloon boy come home I found White Sox's 10 year anniversary one. But I remember my blog being like I just remember

they had the camera on them. And I think it was more because it was so zoomed in the background looked like it was whipping. And I remember being like because it was happening in real time where it was like in a way I was almost like a reporter because i was telling like

as it was unfolding i was like i don't think people realize how fucking crazy this is yeah i was trying to convey it in my writing and i was like this balloon is fucking whipping guys like you gotta check it out and i just remember this is back when the comment sections of blogs actually were like meant something and people had usernames and we all knew each other. And getting more comments usually did mean you had a better – and it had like 415 comments. You used to get like 20. That's a big deal. And I was like, this is – I was like, I made it.

I made my career. I made it as a blogger. And then it turns out to be a hoax and it's this and it's that. I was like – Imagine being – The story just got better and better. It's a Netflix documentary for sure. It turns out to be a hoax, and it's this, and it's that. I was like, imagine being right up. It's a Netflix documentary for sure. Imagine being Obama when someone came in like, sir, you're not going to believe this.

There's a balloon, and there's a boy in it, and it's lost over Oregon or something like that, right? Like Pacific Northwest. And Obama's like, you know I'm the fucking president, right? Why are you shooting down? He's like, sir know I'm the fucking president, right? Why are you shooting down? He's like, sir, we have to call in the armed services. Someone's got to. He's like, what are you talking to me about right now? There was some little Asian kid that got sucked up by balloons recently, too.

Really? When I tell you that this little Asian kid is getting whipped around like a goddamn tail, it's crazy. You just see all these people like, and the kid's just going, flying around. Asian kid. Did he let go eventually?

He eventually came down. I think it was a kite, actually. A kite took him up in the air and it wrapped around his throat. It was crazy. Getting thrown around. Can we talk about how big of a dork Pete Alonso is? He was such a dork, bro.

Such a dork. Bro, I'm reading this blog from back in 09, though. That you wrote? Yeah. I read it out loud. How long is it? He's definitely going to die. He said, here's a question for you.

How the fuck are you going to get this kid down? 7,000 feet in the air. The only logical course of action is to fly another hot air balloon alongside of it, make a makeshift bridge, and walk from basket to basket. basket apparently this little dude's going 35 miles an hour he's definitely gonna fucking die i think i'm ready to declare hot air balloons the single most impractical thing on the planet earth they are flat out absurd 200 of the time they have stuck in power lines the only thing that are good for is that they are a lock uh they are a lock to end up on those world craziest shit called on tape remember those shows shows? Yes. On Fox in the middle of the day.

It would always be a speedboat going like 400 miles an hour that just shreds to pieces. I love when people get the speedboat. Those are my favorite ones because they get thrown around like fucking tennis balls. The updates were just so good. The learning that his name was Falcon. Learning that his family were storm chasers and they had music videos. It was just like glorious, dude. Remember that phase recently where bouncy houses were just going flying?

You know what? It's like another kid in Kansas died in a bouncy house. Like, stop doing the bouncy houses, turn the tornadoes, dude. It was always in the Midwest. I set it up for Keegan's birthday and it came with stakes and rope. First of all, it comes with twine and a little

plastic thing. I thought that was going to keep any 100 pound rubber house from... I'm not in the Midwest. I know it's not a problem. If I set this up and I had 30 kids show up in my house and a bunch of them were in there and it flew the fuck away and kids were like falling out and dying and shit i mean what do you do as

the parent who hosted that party yeah i mean a lot of money yeah yeah you go to court a lot and then you never recover probably end up killing yourself i was gonna, you catch me in court for killing a couple kids? No. Especially by accident at your kid's birthday party, I'm going to kill myself. 100%. Bro, throw me in the next fucking bouncy house. I'm swan diving off someone's house and end up next to one of the kids. I was in the bouncy house, too.

Yo, how about this? One of the kids gave Keegan, five-year-old, an Amazon gift card for his birthday. What? It was a, an Amazon gift card for his birthday. It was a $35 Amazon gift card. Well, that was mommy and daddy. That was daddy. That was daddy. The kids are with me for the day. Oh, shit, he has a birthday party.

I didn't get him anything. Here's an Amazon gift card. It just came in like an envelope. I remember being like, this is the present from John. And I was like, what the fuck is it going to be be and it was just a gift card see I hope you took it though

yeah that's a present for me I'm like oh awesome look at it daddy's buying a movie tonight I'm not waiting until this shit comes out on rental my mom used to definitely steal all my Christmas money when I was a kid for sure you know like my mom my mom used to definitely steal all my christmas money when i was a kid for sure

yeah so like you know like my mom is awesome like i love her to death like i would do anything for her but like i'm not gonna let that bitch think that by me now anymore you know like she stole money from us she would hold it for us and say like oh i'm gonna like save it for like your school clothes like we never i never saw that fucking money put it into my college fund i barely graduated eighth grade. Bro, my parents' debt to me was fucking five grand I won. They took it from you? Took it from you?

I fucking ganked that shit. Never saw it. Now this is like child actors. I mean, they told me. You actually were pretty close to a child actor. When you think about being molested by the babysitters and the nannies, you think about your parents stealing your money from you. You were right up there with with uh cory haim or whatever they always told me they said they put it legit molested no i don't want to scan it depends

it depends who you ask yeah it is no i have one of those stories too like a lawyer and a law you tell a person like but like i don't know i ever tell did i tell you guys about my vice principal last time i was here? No. No, do tell. All right. So I went to this school in Westchester. I mean, everybody knows where I went to high school if you're a fan of mine. It's Hastings in Westchester County, right?

And we had this vice principal who took a real liking to me, right? And I was a knucklehead. I didn't go to school. I cut a lot and got kicked off of teams here and there there back and forth back and forth right so i get kicked off the team and he like kind of like takes me under his wing and like helps me like get back to like being like good at school i'm like all right i don't think that's that weird but one day he like brings me into his office right and i'm talking to him and he like is talking to me back about like getting my life on track and then he starts to cry so i'm like oh damn all right what the fuck like this is an adult man crying right here i'm like 15 bro and he's like you know it's like you don't know how like how lucky you have it and then i was

like what do you mean and then he tells me the story about like how he was molested by his track coach when he was a kid so now i'm like what the fuck are we talking about in here right and then at the end of the meeting he gave me like this weird like this weird pedo hug and like i could feel like breathing on me and shit and he like tried to make me a workout to do he said i could do push-ups in his office yeah let's pop that top off see what he's like he's like drop down give me 20 he's like if you're ever feeling like stressed like you come come do push-ups in the office and shit. Right?

So he leaves our school, right? And we all had a group. There was this group of kids. I don't want to say his name, but there was the group that would go see him. And we would always talk. When we would drink beers and shit, I'd be like, yo, you ever breathe on you? We would have conversations. Everybody's got their war stories with him. Yeah. One one time I felt like he like kind of held me like mad weird.

So we would have these stories all the time. So to wrap the story up, he goes to this other school upstate, right? Like five months, six, seven months after he's been there, gets caught with text messages, sexually charged text messages with a child, with one of his students. And then they caught him with the kid in the car, a whole bunch of shit. Now thinking back, my memory starts going crazy.

I've been alone in a car with this guy before. He would pick me up and let me smoke cigarettes in his car and shit. Oh, wow. Yeah, dude. I was like, yo, this guy's the coolest guy ever. But then I- Do your parents know this? My dad was the biggest. He used to write me birthday letters

that he would send to my house. My dad would open them and be like, yo, what the fuck is this? What's going on with this shit? He would write me letters and he would call me late at night and talk to me. Honestly, I think he was jerking off while he was talking. Definitely, guys.

Because I could hear him breathing and shit. To this day, it's like Darth Vader and this guy's fucking... I'm telling you, this shit fucking happened to me. And then I Googled him and tried to find out what he's doing now. Jail? No. He writes books. He wrote a children's book. of course that makes sense well it's

a matter of time yeah yo part of me so bad wants to like go to like a book signing and be like yo can you sign this i'll just be like i i hate i hate people that have ever done anything to violate kids yeah so that that's like the big thing that bothers me the most what oh what a hero you are like i that's like the only thing i'll be serious about yeah yeah i'm not serious about anything in my life for sure but there's literally nothing i'm serious about right but when i find out that some dudes like trying to fuck a kid like i lose my mind right like remember that dad um that tried to get five minutes alone with that guy uh with nasser yeah yeah. And jumped the thing. Yeah, that was great. I don't know if I have the balls in me to do that,

but I was like, somebody at least finally asked that question. So I don't know, because that's why I was asking to follow up with you. Do you know these people at all, even in your future now? Have you ever looked into them? No, no. One, I had a couple instances where it was like, we talked about ad nauseum with a babysitter. Yeah, yeah had a couple instances where it was like, we talked about it at Nauseam with a babysitter. Yeah, yeah.

Dudes or chicks? Chick was a babysitter. Dude was a lead coach. Dude counts. And then I had a dude computer science teacher who like, bro, like he would fucking stand behind me and do a science class. And he'd like,

he'd lay on my shoulder like this, but he'd always lay on my earlobe. That is so bad. That's sexual assault. That's what I said. He's always like, come on, it's not that bad. That's assault, bro. You were sexually assaulted.

Yes. That's what I tell him. If a grown man is rubbing your ears, bro, that's what I tell him every time. That's fucking repressed. You got repressed shit in there. No wonder you're masturbating so much. Got this guy fucking rubbing your ears. It's always to that.

Whatever happened to my ears? It's so good. Do you want girls to rub your ears now? No. Or do you have, like, one of those, like, I don't know. I think I have standard. Like, repressed.

I have a standard. I enjoy people touching my ears, but I'm not like, you got to do it. I don't want to whack it away either. I think I'm pretty normal with the ear stuff. All right. Jesus. Yeah, man. Did you tell anyone when it happened?

No, I don't think we did. What about see something, say something? Are you friends in the class? He's gotten higher and higher. Nobody was sitting there being like, yo, Mr. Smith is rubbing John's ears. What's going on? That was Mr. C. As being like, yo, Mr. Mr. Smith is rubbing John's ears. What's going on?

That was Mr. C. Yeah, because as kids, we're so dumb. That's what I think. We're so dumb. I think that we like don't. I think I think I think guys get molested a lot more than we talk about because I was 100 percent. The only reason I ever found out that someone would even consider being molested is I was

just telling a joke. Everyone was like, whoa, wait, what did you say? Yeah. I was like, what do you mean? You guys didn't have like babysitters and make telling a joke and everyone was like, whoa, wait, what did you say? I was like, what do you mean? You guys didn't have babysitters that made you watch porn and shit? Like, fucking no. Because guys are so dumb.

We would have called you gay for it. Yeah, yeah. That's why. You let fucking Mr. C rub your ears? He's so gay. It is, and it's now, but it became a thing like... No, he assaulted me, you asshole.

I'm a victim, dude. In high school, we'd sit around and be like, dude, remember Mr. C? He touched us a lot. Damn. And then we'd be like, same thing, having to be like, yeah, that was wild. victim, dude. In high school, we'd sit around and be like, dude, remember Mr. C? He touched us a lot. And then we'd be like, same thing, having to be like, yeah, that was wild. Like, yeah, that was fucking weird. We had a music teacher, and then we found him selling cars on Central Avenue in Yonkers. He got fired for sexual misconduct.

He was a music teacher, and we went in there, and we were like, yo, remember when you did all this shit? Really? Yeah, dude. Fuck those people. Scumbags, man. Scumbags. Scumbags. Yeah, that's why I like Whatchamacallit. It's my favorite show ever.

To Catch a Predator is my favorite show ever. Ever. Put him on blast, man. Yeah, dude. When they caught that rabbi. You ever see that? I've seen. I don't think I've ever watched To Catch a Predator.

I remember this. There was one guy that shot himself, though, on there. Really? Yeah, Chris Hansen. They were doing a whole thing going to catch him. That's why he kind of stopped. He stopped for a little bit because this dude just blew his head off. Not on the screen.

They were pulling up. Not on screen on camera, but they were pulling up to his house like, come here, sit down. Have a seat. He was like, no, I'm going to go have a seat in heaven. Or hell. Hopefully hell. Have you seen the video of that guy who was trying to rob the place and the fucking security guard was quick on the draw and then shot him in the neck.

No. And the blood just went fucking everywhere. It was actually, I'm always telling people, I was like, give me some of these fucking examples of a good guy with a gun where it actually worked. And this guy, it was it. This dude, fuck, it was such a hard thing to find. I get scared of that stuff. I used to love that shit.

Remember Faces of Death? Yeah. I think we've talked about this with you before, but we grew up on that shit. Murder porn, dude. And no wonder we were all fucked up. We loved murder shit. Dude, the way you're describing it makes you think of Clint Melarchuk. Who's that?

Clint Melarchuk was a goalie for the Buffalo Sabres. Oh, yeah. And got cut. And you can see it immediately just start splurging out. Excuse me. The only reason he survived was the trainer had just got back from NAMM. The trainer on their team. So he knew what fucking vein to grab

and pinch off and shit like that. But he said, Milarczuk says, he's like, I was laying there on the ice in front of 14,000 people, whatever it was, just being like,

I can't believe. He has a crazy scar. Yeah, crazy scar. Crazy scar. I think he was thinking, I can't believe I'm going to die in front of this many people, and also I hope my mom's not watching.

That'd be terrible. I don't want my mom going to die in front of this many people. And also, I hope my mom's not watching. That'd be terrible. I don't want my mom to see me die. Die on national television? Your mom just watches you die? Fucking brutal. And back then, they didn't cut to commercial. They filmed you die. They filmed you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I believe. They were like, we're going to cut to commercial. No, we're going to show you this man die. If I'm not mistaken, I think the trainer slips in his blood. That part could be a TV show. This guy, I mean, he is... Fuck, that made my neck hurt.

I was just thinking about it. He's trying to... The security guard shoots him in the neck, point blank. Somehow this guy doesn't go down. And then the security guard jumps behind over the counter. And this guy is like, like, pow, pow. Oh, trying to hit him?

And it's everywhere. I mean mean it is have you ever gone and then he tries to go through uh uh um what are those doors fucking revolving doors and i guess they like locked it down so he's trying to push it and he's just like he's like slowly starts to go down just like fucking fist that would be awesome that's how you know we're dudes oh man it was fucking wild no but i was gonna say like have you ever been to a gun range i've been i've been ski uh one time not ski shooting uh what's it called fucking something like ski shooting like pole whatever they are skis but it's almost like golf where you walk from like oh got it got it um shooting a gun is not easy no so to be able to shoot someone in the

throat yo is not easy with any fucking gun i don't think anybody would be surprised here and learn that i'm not a fucking crack shot but even just do we were at a gun range just doing like the fucking uh target like not that far away and i was like am i am i hitting it i can't even tell am i even you know forget about like hitting him in the head or the heart or whatever. This is, I think this is it, by the way. I think this is actually last year. I think the date was, but this is the security guard, right? No, this is something different, man.

Did you see that guy, that bodega owner, that fucking machete, that dude? No. That's what's up. You saw that? No. So there was this New York. It's in New York. This guy was working in a bodega.

He owns it. And this girl came in, and she didn't have a dollar to pay for something. And he was like, yo, you're on the money. I can't give it to you. Then her boyfriend comes in and attacks him. And he pulls his machete out and fucking killed him. What? Yeah, and they arrested him for a murder. For attacking someone with a machete out and fucking killed him. What? Yeah, and they arrested him for like a murder.

Attacking someone with a machete. Yeah. But the guy attacked him. The other guy attacked. So I don't know. I mean, that feels excessive all around, but it's like. If a dude comes into my house, though, and I have grounds to kill them, I might kill him.

Dyson. I might kill them. LL Cool J was telling a story on Drink Champs when he was on a few years ago, Nori, and some guy broke into his house and he said he like he obviously l.l fucking like yeah jack subdued the fuck out of him like has him down he was like in that moment i needed to decide whether i was going to kill that man or not yeah because he was like i didn't know if he had other guys that's what i that's where my mind he was like i'll just like pot this guy dead leave him here and then go protect my family.

And obviously he didn't. But imagine that being like, should I let you live or die? Yeah. But that's the last thing I think on Earth that I would never want to kill anybody. Because I'm way too sensitive and I would think about this person every day. Dude. But in that situation, I'm like, I would go in my head. Is there somebody outside?

Is this the ringleader? What's going to go on? At some point, i'm like i either if i can subdue him i'm gonna do it but if i feel like he's getting the best of me i have to do whatever i do together what about if i rip fucking people's eyeballs out like dude i can't die bro what if i can tell you that you it was like the the most airtight justifiable death like it's a bad guy he has no family that loves him or will miss him. Nothing redeeming. Nothing like

it was not his fault. Mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever. Bad dude. Hitler type shit. Hitler type shit? Yeah, Hitler type shit. And then, yeah. All of that still affects me a lot. But I would still feel really bad about it. Like, anytime

I've ever fought in my life was out of fear. I've never started a fight in my life. I've never been like, what's up, bro? What the fuck? You want to do this? I'm like, I'll do anything not to fight. Wait, didn't you beat the shit out of that guy in a sneaker store? Yeah, but I did it because he came for me.

Did he? Yeah, dude. My thing is. He came at you? I thought he was, like, talking shit and you just laid him out. No, he took two steps towards me, and I was like, towards me and my partner at the time. And I was just like i gotta let this off my thing is i'm letting my shit off before anybody gets their shit off that's the thing it's almost like i'm too

short it's like when they say if you're gonna draw your gun like shoot it you know like if we're gonna fight you should yeah that's what my brother don't throw one punch and be like my brother's yeah my brother's always told me like yo get your shit off first. Get your shit off first. In middle school, people would be like, why would you swing first? Thinking that would absolve them of anything. If you're in a fight where people would be like, you swing first. You're not actually in a fight.

You're going to have a bro off. Fucking swing. If someone gets close to me, I have to let off because now I have time to assess the situation. One, did I hit him well enough? And then two, if this dude eats us, I have a shot to get out of here. I'm a big fan of the club punch.

Punch and run. I'm not gangster. I'm not gangster at all. Like, at all. Yo, we almost had a little run-in with this dude in L.A. He was walking down the street, opposite direction to us, same side on the sidewalk, and he just fucking leveled a shoulder into our buddy Josh Potter, who's like a smaller dude.

So I'm surprised Potter didn't, like, he stayed on his feet. He ate that shit. This guy, he was blindsided. He was talking this way. This guy went, bow. And then he was still, like, running his mouth, and I could see John was waiting. He was like, do something. Do something.

Very, very rarely. I know you'll get it in, though, if you have to. Very rarely. It happens on occasion, but very rarely. It lights out. You want to know? I would like to watch you two fight. Because I feel like you would.

Me and him fight? Yeah. I think it would be entertaining because one of us would be willing to die, though. You know? It would be like either that or it would be like Homer Simpson boxing. The other person would just get tired of beating the shit out of the other person. John's a big guy, though. I don't know.

I don't know. Dude, it would be like I actually I watched the show The Old Man the other day the new one with Jeff Bridges on FX oh yeah yeah yeah first two episodes were dope I hear it falls off a cliff

but first it was dope but in the first episode I was worried because he's like an ex CIA guy I was worried like like how's he gonna be a badass but it actually is like

the best depictions of fights I've ever seen in movies where it's like it's not some highly core It's two dudes Struggling like like it's not like wrestling combat One punch and you kind of like scurrying away and another guy grabs you it's just like did there's one fight scene where it's like Four minutes, but there's never like right It's like I love to be there's never like a fight.

It's just like, two people like literally fighting for their lives. See, I love shit like that. It's just different than a fight. That's the real stuff. And the other thing too,

it's like, I've always felt that way with movies when they have sex too. It's like, you guys just not wearing rubbers. Like, where are you coming?

The comment is always a mystery. You know, like, I like when movies would be like, oh, like they take the rubber off and throw it away. I'm like,

this is a realistic movie. Or like you see it like Sco, scoot to the bathroom where they. Scoot to the bathroom. Got to hold their breath as if that keeps the cum in. Yeah, yeah. Or even, like, even if, like, they pop off of the penis, like, legit. I'm like, all right, the dismount was, like, kind of realistic. You just hear a slap.

That was it falling out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hit the belly. Yeah. You know what? I'm not against, like, I think dude should carry pepper spray too yeah I like that

for self defense why would you not if I'm on the train the last thing I want to do is punch a dirty bum right I'd rather I'll spray the shit

out of a bum yeah I think I think men should carry pepper spray too I like that there's nothing not to talk about

they gotta stop packaging it in pink capsules do you carry pepper spray Jackie no you should Do you carry a paper spray, Jackie? No You should Do you carry a taser? No

I mean Nothing Hands I got the hands I got the hands I don't doubt The other thing is too Remember when guys would fight

There was always one girl that was so loud and annoying Like stop it Stop it But when girls fight It was kind of fun to watch. We didn't care about girls hurting each other. Go, go, go, go. Yeah, fuck her up!

Go, get her out! Well, there's also this notion of a cat fight where something goes off in the male brain where it somehow is almost equated to sex. I've never had that. I've never watched two girls fight. And it's like ripping each other's hair out and clawing each other's eyeballs out.

This is not... Girls are so much quicker to fight than dudes. Girls will get it popping. Real fast. Overlooking at each other. I think there's some element of we know neither person is going to really damage the...

You know what I mean? This is not me because I'm not packing a punch you know you fucking clock somebody and they fall and hit their head and they're fucking dead or something like that it's on you it's a problem girls like pull hair and roll around like the featherweights yeah yeah we're going 12 rounds we don't have knockout power imagine like if you were a girl and you went to fight another girl and she just like leg kicked the shit out of you like for real i'm like yo you're gonna get so fucked up like this is gonna fucking rock your head but some of my best like honestly like my favorite things are girls landing clean punches like in like in a viral video videos when i see a girl

just land a fucking crisp punch i'm like god damn that was awesome i love that right away by how people square up and shit too you always see this a lot with like this one yeah or they they get like the hands up yeah yeah it's quite high i'm like this is i'm like i don't know i don't know but i don't think this is right that's what you want to know is, though, which is kind of weird? They do the hands like, what's up? What's up? What's up?

That's it. I'm like, yo, dude, I'm going to land at least three before you're done. So that was a thing, too. When I was a kid, that's why I boxed for eight years. So when I was doing that, that made me a little more comfortable just in terms of throwing my hands and shit and like letting it go you really have to know how to do it yeah and and and for me i just got very i used to get very afraid in social situations like when like people would start shit with my friends like i would never be like yeah let's do it like i'm afraid for everyone's safety at that point for you because like i will fuck you up you mean no just i i don't want anyone to get hurt i'm not i'm

not a fighting guy right at all i never have been i've never claimed to be i'll get down if i have to like i'm not a shit starter never have been yeah but i love almost the point of no return because like now i have to go you know that like in that situation justified almost yeah like it's justified like i'm gonna beat the shit out of this guy but then it's like how much i hate when I see people like guys knock other dudes out and they keep like hitting them. That's the one thing that gets me on the internet. It's just like two months. When someone's on their back and their punches are like kind of skipping off their head. Yeah, I'm like, oh, that's too much.

We had a fight years back. Girl fights over dude fights all day. I love that shit. We had a fight years back where it was in Miami, Ohio. And actually, this is kind of two things we've just talked about combined into one. Where it was me and this guy, Gaz, here, fought like an entire fraternity. We fought like eight dudes. Let me get the pictures for you. It was like we fought like they were trying to.

All three? All three of you guys fought them? No, no, no. Kevin wasn't there. It was a blackout tour back when we did those. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like they were trying to steal our DJ's laptop, and we had to step in.

And we fought. It was almost like in a scene in a movie. Like, this dude just kept pouring out of this house. And we just kept fighting these guys. And there was this one loud chick. So I'm on top of one guy throwing a punch. And this chick who you could hear. Like, the bah, bah, bah, bah.

Yeah, Peter, no. She jumps on my back. And I wish I could only fight girls. Because it was, I just, I had one hand and just went, whoosh. And she was gone. But then as I was looking up, being like, holy shit, she just went far. And someone came out of nowhere and fucking booted me in the face. Did you go to sleep after?

No, no, no, no. Thank God you stayed awake. Thank God you stayed awake. My shit. I was at the University of Albany once. I got beat up by a bunch of kids like that. Really? Yeah, frat kids. They threw a beer at me and my friend. We were walking back to his apartment

or whatever, and they threw a beer off I guess the, I don't know, a frat's work, the porch or whatever. Fucking lacrosse porch, whatever. And I was just like, yo, threw a beer off, I guess, the, I don't know, a frat's work, the porch or whatever. Fucking lacrosse porch, whatever. And I was just like, yo. My friend was like, yo, fuck you. I've never started any fight in my life. Almost like in that situation, I would let it go because I do the math.

I'm like 10, 2. Well, it was only two of them. We didn't know who was in that. Oh, but you beat the shit out of them for the most part, though. You guys beat the shit out of them for the most part. I think, what was Gaz's line? I think three ambulances came, none were for us. That's great. That's great.

But yeah, these kids just came out of the porch, and it was just like, remember the old cartoons with the clowns in the car? Oh, yeah, you guys got roughed up. You guys got roughed up. Dude, you look like Charlie Brown in that video. That shit is crazy. God damn.

It's a good one. Yeah, but these kids came out of this house and beat the fucking shit out of me. I was like, damn, this is a horrible experience. You know what? It is funny, though. The only time I've ever really been in a fight, I was in like eighth grade. But I definitely got my nose rocked. But that adrenaline is kicking in.

You really don't feel it. No, you don't. Or you feel a lot lesser. I was like, I don't think anything happened to me. And then I was like, wait a minute.'m fucking that's how i'm leaking they say like that when people like get shot sometimes yeah you just go like oh shit and they'll be like yo like your legs like bleeding and they're like oh damn i was even by that like i think it was like uh it was a reddit thread i was reading i forget what the topic was but it was it might honestly

might have been people got shot who didn't notice what it was and one of this was like from a vet who's like talking about like being in a firefight in afghanistan iraq whatever and he's like i didn't realize until i fucking got back to the barracks took my boot off and when i took my boot off just a gallon of blood fell out like i had no idea you got hit that's that's the scariest thing like you know i think at this point in my life i'll do whatever i can do not to get into a fight just because I don't know if I can recover from the injuries. Dude, if I hurt my back, busted up hand and shit, I don't know if my body can deal with that. The bounce back is not there anymore, dude.

It's not there, dude. I can't even get out of bed in the morning if I sleep under a weighted blanket. What's the worst injury you've ever had? I mean, I've had shoulder surgeries and neck surgeries, but not from my kid. You've had neck surgery? Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, I had a scar there.

I got the Peyton Manning. They took the vertebrae out. Oh, shit. I've never noticed that. They took it out through the front. I've never noticed that on your head before. So, I mean, the worst thing I've ever had was I was sleepwalking, and I fell and fucking destroyed my shoulder.

So, it's not like an injury. I mean, I guess it is an injury. I don't mean to lie. I don't mean to lie. There's not like a thing from it. You know what I mean? I just freak it hurts. What's the worst thing you guys ever went to the hospital for?

I honestly don't really have one either. I mean, I broke bones. I fucking had appendectomy. I had a few surgeries. But nothing was like... I'm so afraid saw I broke my neck once in hockey where they like cut my equipment off me and that kind of shit. Uh, but I didn't obviously.

Um, but that was the most like scared I'd been from an injury. See, I'm afraid of anesthesia. That's something I'm, I'm terrified. I'm terrified of anesthesia. 100% think I'm going to die. Dude, one of my fucking, one of my One of my surgeries, my anesthesiologist was named Dr. Risk. I was like, that's fucking bullshit. You should not be

allowed to be Dr. Risk. Ridiculous. Short of being Dr. Death. My appendectomy. I had it on Christmas Eve. I was alone in pre-op. They got... No one scheduled a surgery on Christmas Eve. Over the PA system, it was like, Dr. Risk, patient is ready for anesthesia, Dr. Risk.

And I was sitting there like, there's no fucking way this guy's named Dr. Risk. And he shows up, and he was like a big, burly, hairy Russian. He was like, hello, I'm Dr. Risk. I put you to sleep today. You sound like a Bond villain too, bro. What are you fucking talking about? I'll make you take a nap for a short time. I love that. It's crazy. That's a true story.

Charlton Memorial Hospital. Look how anesthesiologist was in like 2007. I've only had two things that I had to go to the hospital for. It was for my hand when I broke it, and I had a cyst on my butt. On the cheek?

No, on my tailbone. I think that's a thing, right? It's called a pilonidal cyst. Yeah. Where it's like an ingrown hair. Yep. And it becomes this horrible, horrible thing. You'd be on like Dr. Pimple Popper. No, but you know what they have to do?

They have to, thankfully mine didn't get as bad. But so I remember I went to the doctor and I was like, like sweating. I had a fever. I probably, like, they wanted to check if I had sepsis and shit. When I tell you that this doctor cut this thing on my ass and it released, it felt like someone poured body armor down my ass crack.

I bet it did. I bet it did. As soon as he cut it, I just felt I heard it. I love that shit. I've had to pee all the time. And it ran down my ass onto my leg. And when I tell you that this was the stinkiest thing I've ever...

Jack, you get a camera on. Put a camera on yourself. See what she's doing? It is disgusting. The doctor that lanced it? It's been in there for months, months, months. It's just growing, and it's right next to your shit and your farts. Yeah, dude.

So the doctor that did it was doing exactly what Jackie's doing. No. Wow. He was like that. He was like that. So me, though. They're supposed to be used to that shit, man. That's like if you're delivering a baby, and you're like,

whoa, this is gross. Holy shit. I have no, like, I have no, like, I'm not even delivering a baby and you're like, whoa, this is gross. Holy shit. I have no... I have no... I'm not even worried about the smell because the pressure being released... Felt so good. Felt so fucking good, dude. It was like the biggest wave.

What did it smell like, though? Like rotten eggs? Are we talking like... Okay, you want to know what it smells like? Have you ever had a refrigerator go out? Like a friend's refrigerator? And they had the meat in there? The meat goes bad?

Yeah. That's what it smelled like. Oh, my God. It smelled like meat that hasn't been refrigerated. Yo, if you look at all my shit on my Instagram page, it's like all these things. I love this shit, man. I love when people bring that silver thing across people's blackheads. It's like, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah.

I love that shit. Literally, that's what – there it is. Oh, yeah. I love that shit. It's like, literally that's what, there it is. I love that shit. Yeah. But I love all that dude. Oh man, it's fucking gross.

They had to go in with tweezers and pull the hair out. Yeah. And that shit, it was at all like, you know, this shit crazy. Yeah. I could have put,

I could have shaved my head and put it on my head and nobody would know. Yeah. Because it's probably like years of growing and not getting out. This is the grossest thing I've ever. You're still doing it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But what they had to do.

But he said the doctor was going, Oh, he's working on the nurse practice. Like the practitioner was like, all right, we're going to Lance you now. And he just, it was the worst smelling thing ever.

Like I didn't want, I never wanted to tell anybody this story because it makes you sound disgusting. Yeah. I was going, I was going to the gym all the time. And they say that you can this story because it makes you sound disgusting. Yeah, man. You are disgusting. I was going to the gym all the time and they say that you can get it from sitting on benches and bacteria.

They're contagious. Contagious? You got it from something else? I got my cyst from some other dude's cyst. Bro! Yeah, bro. And now I have a sinus. I ain't going to the gym, man. I was going to go, but not anymore. I have a sinus above my ass crack. going to the gym, man. I was going to go, but not anymore. I have a sinus above my ass crack.

A sinus? Yeah, like a little hole. Like there's two little holes. From the opening of it or because of the cyst or whatever? No, because of the cyst. Do you have a scar from the removal? No, no, no. I don't have the scar from the removal because I didn't need the full removal.

The full removal, they cut you open like an inch deep, pack it with gauze, and you have to heal from the inside out damn yeah so don't fucking you know what's crazy like that's a little weird because it's disgusting who would want to tell anybody i mean i'm watching the i watch all these clips and i'm like how do you let it get to that where some people roll in with it's like huge and red and it looks like it hurts and then so much comes out and they're like yeah you know it's been this way for like 8 months or some shit what? it becomes something that's just too much

I feel like I have to stand I'm the shortest guy we go up we go down so wait you have discovered the cheat code that is live shows yeah I have. When you got a following, they'll come out and see you, man. Yeah, they'll come out and see you.

Do you know what your live show is going to be yet? Yeah, it's going to be like... Have you done one yet? No, never. It's my first one ever. It's my first... First one ever, and he sells out the first show instantly, right? Yeah.

And then the second one's got 30 tickets left on Thursday, August 11th. 7 o'clock shows sold out 9 30 9 45 caroline's on b-way.com caroline's on broadway.com uh come through i'll be doing like half music half stand up are you uh like freestyling these songs or like no no no i have like concept songs and then i have like a couple of the classics that people are gonna want to hear like that yeah so like are you gonna do like um that's just how it is? Like a song like that, would you do? Probably not.

We'll save that for the podcast. But for this one, it's honestly just like a combination. All right, so just to give you the whole spiel, I used to work at Caroline's on Broadway as their social media manager. Really? Yeah. He was there when we did our first show. Yeah.

He was working on it. Like C Yeah. And I used to see... He was there when we did our first show. Yeah. He like, so it's like he was working on the media. Like House by House West? I think so. Yeah, when you guys were like in the green room,

I brought you guys like Aquapanas and shit. Yeah, yeah. So, like this was before, obviously, you know, people really knew who I was

and then I was able to do that for a couple of years but I used to get to meet like the best comedians in the world. Yeah. Because a lot of people don't know about Carolines on Broadway is that a lot of people got i used to get to meet like the best comedians in the world yeah because a lot of people don't know about carolines on broadway is that a lot of people got their start there

but then also a lot of people show up and just go in the green room that you have no idea that are there yeah because whoever's the comedian is like who they fuck with yeah so i would be like in these green rooms you know just making sure everything was all right and meeting all these people. And I was having a conversation with David Alan Greer, which I don't know if your audience might know, but David Alan Greer is a legend, right? So he's like a trained Victorian actor. You know that, right? I feel – I weirdly feel like I did know that.

So he's like a trained Victorian actor, and I was talking to him. I was like, yo, my dream is to do stand-up one day and do this i've just been like too afraid that people are going to be like oh like you're charlie cut corners because you have a following and shit and david allen greer like tense they're announcing his name as he's getting ready to go on stage he takes a drink of his water and just goes man fuck that shit he's like you go you go go sell your fucking tickets all those people are fucking grumpy old fucks all right peace i'm out I'm out. And just walks up on stage and fucking kills it. So like, I owe it to David Allen Grier. You're not cutting corners.

Because what you did, like, okay, yes, it would be perfect if you just went to your open mics and did it the right way so that every comic respects you and that all of your shit is perfect. First of all, you're not really a stand-up comic, so you don't have to do it that way. Second of all, you put your time in and did your grinding in a different realm. I don't know. I've been doing this shit for nine years. When you were making Vines and TikToks and videos and doing podcasts and doing all that shit, that's your version of open mics and eating shit and bombing and all that stuff.

If you build a following, at some point you put in that grunt work. Whether it's different grunt work, fuck you. Who cares? I think a lot of people hold on to this. It's almost like in pro wrestling. You have to do the indies and work your way up. I see Logan Paul on there. Logan Paul looks great.

He's amazing. Nobody should hate on that kid at all. He did that splash on the top rope to the fucking Spanish announcer table. He's not wrestling in the fucking Indies. We don't have to give him respect. I'm like, dude, if I could fill the room, I said, you guys can carry whatever you want. You go to any Booker and you could fill the room.

They'll invite you back before anybody else. It's all about money. That's all it's about. This is a lifelong dream of mine. I wanted to do it at Caroline's one because the booker, Louis Ferrando, is a good friend of mine. And he gave me a job when I really fucking needed one. So he gave me a job.

So I wanted to do my first show there. And yeah, it's amazing. You don't think your shows are going to sell out. I'm one of those type of people. I don't know. It's because I have an Italian dad and a Puerto R puerto rican mom but it's like i always expect like the worst to happen you know i like how we always attribute that to like to nationalities but it's just every now yeah now it's just everyone now i don't know if it's my indian upbringing but i have

depression but it's just it's just like italian italian americans and shit and puerto rican americans are so negative yeah i'm just like we gotta we gotta break this like italian stigma being so negative but um i wanted to do it there because it's a special place for me because i used to just like watch all these amazing comedians go do their thing and be like yeah that's gonna be me one day and i was able to sell out yeah we i always feel like a little draw to caroline's as well because of that yeah first place that that like put us up there when we really weren't anything big like you sold it out but they were they didn't have to offer to us at the first time because it was like who the fuck are you guys um i've just known like like i'm sure you guys get this too but it's almost like uh it's i don't look at it as like the end it's almost like

the beginning of like something because now i'm doing something that i'm completely uncomfortable doing never done it before but i feel more comfortable in a public setting like that than i would like being in zara or being in the gap i'm more uncomfortable in those situations very weird it's rather be the center of attention yeah running the show because when when i was a kid i always felt that if i wasn't talking like i would get very anxious i would get very uncomfortable if i wasn't fucking just constantly saying things because my mind was just going so fast i wasn't like socially awkward but sometimes i would because i've never shut the fuck up yeah that's how i just i'm telling people way too early personal things. Me too. Me too.

I'm the same way. I'm gonna fill in dead air with like, my computer science teacher molested me. Yeah, yeah. I'm like that too. I'm like that too, man.

And the thing for me was once I started going to therapy full time, I started to realize some of these are just defense mechanisms. But to this day, I always feel comfortable.

I feel more comfortable in this setting, I swear to to god than i would if i went down and like got a pizza like a slice of pizza oh for sure i'd be terrified you know i get so fucking scared of normal everyday shit yeah so like in that situation like i i've been blessed to like kind of thrive and which is funny because you know the average person who maybe can go get that pizza, no problem. You put them on stage in front of Caroline's 300 people. They're like, pizza, huh? And it's like, yeah, okay, have a good night.

I just want to come out. Pissing down your leg. I'm literally just going to come out and do one joke and just be like, oh, that's my time. Just see how the fucking crowd reacts. I always, every time I go into it, I say, like, I want to, like, experiment a little bit. I want to, like, talk to the crowd. It doesn't have to be, like, go, go, go. I almost want to have it be, like, a behind-the-scenes look where we're, like, oh, shit, this fucked up.

We're going to, you know, almost like you just get to watch the making of it all. But then I get up there, and I'm, like, fuck, we got to, okay, I got to segue to this, and I got to make sure it's smooth. I got to make sure it's that. Do you write? Like, do you do, like, five minutes ever? One time I opened up for Josh Wolfe, and I wrote, like, I think I did, like, seven, seven and a half minutes. Dude, that's a big deal.

Yeah. I thought it was pretty. Oh, my God. I've never done anything in my life I'm going to do an hour. Wait, so this show at Caroline's is a stand-up show? It's a stand-up show, and yeah. And the music. Oh, I thought it was like you're doing your podcast type shit.

Nah, dude. Crazy. Hold on. That changes everything. Yeah, yeah, no, it's a stand-up show and the music oh i thought it was like you're doing your podcast type shit dude crazy hold on that changes everything yeah yeah no it's not a podcast i'm up there one man it's a one-man show man holy yeah but you but and you've written something yeah like crazy okay all right all right i thought you were going up there being like it's just gonna be like half me and half music like you're fucking nuts. You're going to do an hour that way. But you have not performed it yet? No. I've only performed it for myself. So this is not Charlie Cut Corners. This is like Johnny fucking your crazy dude.

Yeah. I wanted to do this. I wanted to do this because everyone's like, go and practice it and do this thing. I'm like, this is going to be practice for me. This is going to be practice for me. Well, that's cool. Also, if something bombs or whatever will you be like talking to the crowd being like 100 yeah so then it can become and then that's what that's kind of what i was trying

to describe a minute ago poorly i think if you make the audience realize they're a part of something like that it's cool it's like oh i went and saw danny and he he fucked this thing up but we worked through it and we like he almost helped him come up with the punchline or whatever. Cause then I end up sweating and I'm getting nervous and shit. And if I just said like, well, man, I'm sweating out here that bombed,

it would be like, okay, it's all relaxed. But for whatever reason, I don't like people coming out. Like it's always been said, like, this is like my first shit.

Like it could be fucking terrible. But like, you know, what scares me about that for you is like, there are things that we've done segments where we're like, okay, this will be the topic and it could be fucking terrible but like what scares me about that for you is like there are things that we've done segments where we're like okay this will be the topic and it'll be fine and it's like it jives with what our show is yeah and then it just like you know doesn't go over i was like oh shit that was funny in my head or when it was time for me to talk about it i was like wait a minute this sounds a lot different coming out of my mouth than it does for sure you

know being on a piece of paper for sure uh but it's not it's got that confidence you just do it yeah i'm not i'm just not i'm not i'm not afraid of shit like that you know like like i it's so silly when you talk about i've been put in rooms where i was not supposed to get out of the room in my life yeah just being just being honest like without either getting fucked up or robbed or whatever and i've this is not scary and i've been i've gotten out of those rooms. Yeah. Unscathed. Right.

Almost like friends with the people after. So this ain't nothing, dude. I try to tell people, if you have like, and I try not to be like, you guys know I'm a mental health advocate. I've been through so much shit in my life, and to bounce back, I'm good with this. This is nothing, bro.

I wanted to kill myself. Worst comes to worst is like, life and to bounce back this is this i'm good nothing yeah this is nothing i tried i wanted to kill myself worse worse it comes to worse is like you get out of there with i get the check with a pretty nice bag of money maybe some people like kind of said that you didn't do well up on stage worst case scenario is that i said the other day like I'll go up there and do two hours if you want me to. If I could impart like one piece of knowledge to my son and my daughter, like that fear

of rejection or embarrassment, like if you could get rid of that, it's made up. Yeah, but that's not something you can impart to anybody.

I know, but I wish I could like, you know, I wish I could because it's like, it's all fictional, you know? Have you ever been

rejected in your life? Yeah. Have you ever been rejected in your life? Yeah. Have you ever been rejected in your life? Very often. I think as human beings, that's something that we have to go through. That's like the natural course of life. Right. Like, just knowing anybody that's really listening,

like, if there's ever been something that you want to do, as cliche as it really is, fucking just do it. Just fucking go do it. Just do it, yo. Just fucking do it, whether you have an audience or not. Because people... When I die, and I... Thankfully, I mean, luckily, do it just do it just fucking do it whether you have an audience or not because people when i die and i thankfully i mean luckily if i get to be like 85 years old one day i'm dead i'm like yeah i know i'll look back and be like i'm happy i did that i crushed it yeah i'm happy i

did that i actually my family's coming my my friends are coming corniest little sweet moment i had with shay my daughter she she's starting to develop nerves she dances and does recitals and shit and she asked me she goes um daddy when you go on stage do you get are you nervous and i was like every time baby yeah i'm sweating i'm nervous i'm scared uh but i know that um i know that i get a fat bag afterwards and pay for all your shit so i do it right i said i said um like but i know that it's something that i wanted to do, and I'll be happy when I did it. And when it's over, I'm all good. And she goes, yeah. And then when it's over, you feel like a superhero.

And I was like, oh, my God, baby girl. I can't wait. Yeah, that's right. I've been trying to get my fiancee pregnant. Dropping loads? On the low for like a little bit. I think she knows, bro. She knows. it's a

pretty hard thing to sneak so like you know for me though like i always try to ask you like what wife waking up in the middle of the night danny's just in there what happened what happened no it's always whip permission it's always like it's always consent but like it's always good to say it but like for me for me like in these situations i feel that as humans our ability to create other people is just so fucking dope because if you really think about it the human being is the greatest invention of all time because we created everything else for the most part that we use it all trickles back down to that it all trickles down back to that right so like to be able to have like... You got a hell of a coaching tree. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. Also, the healing ability and the fact that your heart and your lungs go forever until they don't.

They never stop. They never get a break. We don't need to plug in. We sleep and we eat. That's it. I just feel we're so capable of so many things that we almost get lost trying to do other shit. Like in terms of never trying other things,

like I know like you have to work like a nine to five, like people aren't as lucky as, as we are to do what we do for a living. Right. But it's like that, none of that shit should stop you from at least trying. Right. Right.

Right. Because my whole life, I never tried school, never tried, was afraid people would think I was dumb. I was, you are, and I am.

So, you know, but I wouldn't even go to class. But the teachers always liked me because I had a personality and they would help me out, right? Sports, I was gifted enough to get recruited by colleges. I never lifted a day in my life, never worked out, never did anything. So I've done all these things in my life where I never tried. Right. So after I got – What could have been. Yeah. So I so i was like you know what i don't give a shit anymore i'm gonna do

whatever the fuck i want to do at this point because if if not for me it's for if i have a kid later like how you had with your daughter to be like yo like you could do this like i've been i've been through some shit you know the struggles we go through it's like it sucks that like a lot of things are hereditary but like when my kid is born and god forbid they never have to deal with the shit that i ever have dealt with in my life but when they do like i'll be like well versus all good yeah yeah yeah it'll be all right that's really what it is all right bro well the tickets are available on caroline's website right or yeah yeah danny lopriori on uh yeah danny lopriori everywhere on social there's like 30 bang it out make that shit sell out it's gonna be a very good show

it'll be a lot of fun there'll be some laughs there'll be some tears I have serious shit in there too I'm sure yeah you closing with Let Me See Them Titties

opening with Let Me See Them Titties what are you gonna do no my opener is actually it's the best part of the show yeah the opening is the best

part of the show almost like my podcast now but no but I'll probably i'm gonna probably close the shows with those because people have waited like years for those like uh but i could never release it because it's r kelly's beat right but now fuck r kelly yeah but now i think i can get away with it yeah yeah we could tweak it a little bit but yeah acapella or whatever, and it's like, fuck it. It's going to be a lot of fun. Caroline's on Broadway, August 11th.

They gave me the Thursday slot because they were like, I don't know if they're going to sell, and they sold out. And he's like, fuck, I should give you the weekend. I was like, yeah, no. They always doubt, man. They never realize it. They're finally coming around, I think. No, Lou's going to help me out next time.

But yeah, so Thursday, August 11th, the 7 o'clock show is sold out uh 9 45 there's 28 tickets left beautiful man so go get those and come chill and uh i appreciate you guys having me on always baby thank you សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.