KFC Radio - Dave Portnoy Declares War on Dan Bernstein After Last Name Drama + Shannon Fiedler Interview

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 02:47 Presidential Debate Recap 16:49 Feits isn't even the best sketch maker in his family group chat 28:02 Quiet Cars 33:25 KFC needs some parenting advice 50:20 Dan BERNSTEIN Drama 01:01:54 Streamer Jynxzi apologized for "Cheating" on his girlfriend 01:15:29 A Vintage Coca Cola Commercial led to breakdown for KFC??? 01:29:31 Cringy Viral Video of a Cart Girl getting hit on by an old weirdo 01:37:08 Video Voicemails 01:49:41 Shannon Fiedler Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++ Jackpocket : New customers, use code KFC and you’ll get your first ticket free at https://jackpocket.onelink.me/sY17/KFC GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, NY Call 877-8-HOPENY or text HOPENY. 18 or older (19+ in Nebraska, 21+ in Arizona). Void where prohibited. Promo code required for $2 non-withdrawable credit. Prize amount may differ at time of drawing. Terms jackpocket.com/tos/free-ticket-promo/ - DraftKings : Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code KFC. GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), or visit www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in NH/OR/ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply.On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min. $5 bet. Get 1 promo code to redeem 1-month of access to NFL+ Premium and max. $250 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: dkng.co/ftball. NFL+ Premium Terms: Offer only for eligible subscribers & must be redeemed by 11:59PM 9/30/24; After 1-month promo period, subscription automatically renews each month at then-current price (currently $14.99/mth) until cancelled; Addt’l terms: nfl.com/terms. Offer expires 9/19/24 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. - Express : Shop Express Essentials for your every outfitting need this season +++++++++++++++++++++++++ Leave a Voicemail or get tickets to see us live here: https://linktr.ee/kfcr Looking for a side-splitting comedy podcast? Look no further than KFC Radio from Barstool Sports! Hosted by Kevin Clancy and John Feitelberg, this hilarious show covers everything from pop culture and current events to personal stories and relationship advice. With their signature irreverent humor and quick wit, Kevin and John keep their listeners laughing week after week. Tune in for a dose of gut-busting laughter and become a part of the KFC Radio community today! #KFCRadio #BarstoolSportsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. And I win. I'm not the best sketch maker in my family. Group text. Are you kidding me? What is any of this for? What is the point of any of this? All right, before we get to the podcast, quick announcement. We added a date to our Out of Order Live Tour. We will now be in Chicago, October 23rd, Laugh Chicago. Tickets are on sale now. We sold out in Boston, New York, and Philly.

So I'm sure these will sell out fast. So go get your tickets now. If you want to come see fights, you stand up for the first time. Nick Turani will be there. Cable will be there. Sass will be there. Whole crew.

Unreleased sketches. Behind the scenes. Q&A. Special guests. It's going to be a great time. Laugh actor. Oh, Laugh Chicago. October 23rd.

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you think your girl Taylor just swayed the election? No, but I do think she's so fucking smart, man. In what regard? I mean, she is, but why? Like, just waiting until right after the debate. Because if you did it three weeks ago, it's just liberal Hollywood. It's liberal this and that. You didn't listen to both sides, even though it's been right after the debate. I heard there was an AI thing going around of her endorsing Trump.

Yeah, well, no, Trump tweeted it. Or Trump posted it. It was someone else posted it. And then he's so happy. I'm unplugged on this enough that I didn't even know that he like he like truth did or whatever the fuck you call it. It was like, I think he was kidding. I don't think he really thought it was.

But it was like he quoted as a guy. Accept her. And I'm that is smart. Yeah. That's why she mentioned that in the in the thing where it's like. And I think, you know, you know, she throw britney mahomes in time out yeah and never hang out with her again do you think so obviously i mean in a real sense there probably are people who are diehard swifties who don't vote who will now maybe go vote uh like yeah like there's no like everybody who's a swifty was already but do you think there's because there's swifties there's so many right so you think there's like a

couple hundred thousand swifties out there who were like oh fuck thought we had her yeah thought we had this was the year like i thought we were gonna get a get a get a god bless donald trump from her i love that i love when they say god bless donald trump again this guy would spit on your face if he saw you in you know middle america but do you think that there's some you know some girls out there or anybody out there listening to tortured poets and being like taylor swift is perfect and then like sees that and like or you know their dads like throwing their fuck you know, throwing the fucking window. I mean, I,

I have to imagine the Venn diagram of Kamala Harris and Taylor Swift is fully just one circle, but I don't believe Taylor's got a lot of fans. No, no one's going to change their vote. Oh, not no one. I'm sure there are some, no one in the world is going to change their vote for anything.

Yeah. Well, everyone basically, it was actually last night. I was watching the CNN. They had a town hall after with undecided voters, and they were talking to them. And I was like, this is so dumb. I even get a modicum of even a little worked up about this. Because, yes, it all matters it genuinely

does obviously but like this is going to be decided by 5,000 people in Arizona Georgia Texas who are like I didn't watch fucking anything like there was some woman who was like I came into this

undecided I voted for Trump and this and that and I was like I guess I just don't even understand how you can be at that point the here like now yeah so it's like it doesn't it matters the stuff matters i hate when people are like it doesn't matter like my life won't change like you're right it won't probably so vote for the person who fucking is going to help other people you like um and the uh but the the idea like it's silly to get worked up about because it's like it does what i do and and who i like my people don't aren't gonna affect this yeah it's gonna be some person in the swing state who hasn't really paid attention i love to think though that there's somebody out there who is this swifty and is like, oh, okay.

I got to vote for Kamala, right? But at the same time, they're also like, they're eating the dogs? Back over to Donald. We can't have them eating the dogs. That was insane. Did you see that moment? I was in and out.

I didn't watch the whole thing. That moment, I gasped. I was in and out i didn't watch the whole thing that moment i i i had i gas i i dropped it i was playing video games watching i dropped the controller and i was like and i know that that like there's is like some police report listen i can i can go to chinatown right now and find you a bunch of people eating cats i was gonna say that like that's the point like the everything's based in reality so there is some truth to that i don't know where it is dog for lunch by 2 p.m like there is some truth to that yeah and i bet you there's some haitian immigrants not that there's any regular truth to it is like a racist job that's beaten all the time but like

there will be a specific incident that someone can reference like this is what he's talking about and you're like well that's if you want that's not how he was saying it like one single person did it he was saying that everyone was there i guarantee you there's some haitian doing some voodoo chopping the head of a cat and they eat it i don't know but to uh to throw that out there at the debate like it's like you know we got to talk about abortion inflation eating the pets afghanistan it's like fucking the way he dropped that also listen i you know there's obviously the spin zone for all these trump people is that he was like ambushed and it was three on one and all that shit which is interesting that everyone agrees he lost it just meant you disagree about why well so

that what's interesting is what i heard a lot of last night after the fact and there was a couple like hardcore like old school republicans that i saw who were like he fucking lost that debate you know and then like the like the laura ingrahams of the world who are like basically just like sports center anchors but for politics now yeah you know they're just getting paid they were like what are you saying what do you mean you think he lost and he's like yeah he fucking lost like like but even that like but but if you're saying they're they're so what i heard a lot of was um you ganged up and it was unfair which is kind of admitting yeah you lost but it was same thing as the election you stole it from me it was unfair to hang up and two the other thing was

um well how much the debates really matter hillary won her debates and she was so confident so it's like but then you're conceding yeah that he lost which is true like i i i don't want to talk about it too much because i know i was saying recently that i don't like talking about politics not only talking about it but i think this is almost borders on like everybody's watching it last night yeah it is its own thing the um what was i gonna say yeah even that scene i think i was watching afterwards like even those undecided like i watched it personally and was like this is a bloodbath bloodbath and then they talked to those undecideds and it was 60 40 so it's like well then how you know wait yeah there's again no reason to get to like i think it was a bloodbath in terms of uh just like presentation

yeah like what i was gonna go back to my earlier point about whether or not you think the abc news is skewed uh you know a lot of people agree if you don't whatever what they do need to figure out if you have any self-respect as a moderator you need to just be like we're not moving on until you answer my question well i actually disagree with that i can't i can't do that anymore when they just answer when they just come up with their own i think it's fine i i it doesn't bother me when kamala did it doesn't bother me when trump did it because i think it's like i i i agreed to a debate not an interview you give me a topic i'm going to talk about my stuff on that topic you asked me about the like economy like i'm going to give i i'm going to give you my broad

strokes on the economy i have i have three minutes to sway voters on this topic i'm gonna talk about what i want to talk about on it i actually think that but you agree with this down topic yes on topic yes that's topic yes so i'm saying when they're like what do you think about like inflation and he's like well you know inflation was down and kamala's at the border fucking up immigration. It's like, that's not what we're talking about. And they did a couple of times. They're like, but answer the question. But then they let him off the hook.

Both sides. Every fucking time. I think that was like, you do it once. And you're like, all right, well, clearly not doing it. We don't have time to. Well, and so that's what I mean. They need to have a Tony Reale point system where it's like, if you don't answer my question, you get like minus 10 points.

Yeah. And we're going to have a winner, a literal winner and a fucking loser on them maybe that's what they should do is have a mute button and a and let tony reality do this shit so we can so you'll actually play by the rules i just i i was always told kamala harris was like this she was a joke and she can't talk and the administration was hiding her in the basement and like that's why you never saw her and she went out there and again i don't did she say a single thing of like substance probably not but she smoked him in terms of like again presentation yeah presence and like i thought the whole thing was gonna be like he was gonna dance circles around her being like funny

and witty and she was gonna be like you know because i have seen enough clips clips you know where she's like uh you know but the thing is i uh you know just stuttering and stammering she was like on her shit last night yeah i will i think it's i obviously did not know much about kamala until last night either um as far as her speaking is it kamalaala? Yeah. Mamala. Remember? It's Kamala? Yeah. What did I just call her? Kamala? Kamala.

Kamala. Okay. Obviously, I didn't know much about her. But I watched her. I watched her. I don't know the president's name. I watched her at the convention, and I was like, wow, that was a great speech. And then I watched last night, and I was like, why were we ever surprised at the person who was a prosecutor a da a senator i know but that's the thing now that

i was surprised i didn't know one way or the other yeah that's also why i would never like go into politics because it's like you just get bumped up into this you're like the lowest level of the next tier yeah i mean it's like i was a fucking gangster da or whatever you know and then it's like now you're just some now you gotta like beg for votes and shit you used to be like some fucking you know nasty lawyer uh but anyway yeah that the eating dogs was i want i hope that there's you know like an edm remix and just like all these things of him just being like, they're eating the dogs. Where my dogs at? I do owe an apology, I think, to MAGA people. Because if that's how you guys felt after watching debates, I forgive everything. Because that hit like crack.

Like afterwards, like, whoa, that was a bloodbath. Well, yeah, I mean, that was his seventh debate, her first. It did not come across that way he used to smoke for those fools i know like and you know he's kind of become the the biden because it's like he's old and also i can't he's always kind of done this but when he does the things like have you seen my plan it's a great plan it's the best plan it's the biggest plan have you seen her plan she has no plan it's like this is not even you're not even talking talking but that's what he's always done no it just worked for a while i know i know it's just

like not i guess i mean i also just didn't watch enough that so it's still like new to me in a sense but uh but yeah when you're like you know you're on like year you know almost like nine because he was like chirping out obama for so long and shit i just can't believe oh it's like bro it was whatever year whatever year we killed bin laden that's when it started is that what it was that's what launched him because i believe i thought it was the whole uh you're born in africa well that's what it was but by the time we killed bin laden trump had started talking about running for president 11 i would say 12 but yeah right around then yeah because no no no 11 11 yeah yeah um second term right yeah so it was because i remember i maybe i'm misremembering but i think seth myers was at that white house

correspondence dinner and that met that is important because that's where obama gave the final go-ahead to go kill bin laden and like at the time he was killing bin laden seth myers i believe was saying like don Donald Trump's here. And he made a joke about him running as president. I think that's all the same course. It's all Seth Meyers. So I think it's like 13 years. Seth Meyers is through.

But he'd already said it. He was making fun of the idea of it. And then, yeah, it became. It's the 9-11 Black Parade. Oh, it's 9-11 today. I guess I forgot. Happy birthday to my mom, by the way. You want to throw her a 9-11?

I don't think I knew that. She never cared about her birthday until 9-11 and now she's like, now nobody even cares about my birthday. So ridiculous. Have better sex with Blue Chew. Blue Chew is the original brand offering the chewable tablets uh the erection enhancing tablets i like that erection the eets the erection enhancing tablets

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Make sure they sponsor your dick. I'm in a... Wait, hang on. Oh, yeah, you got a story, right? So you went up to Section 10. I went to Section 10. Section 10. Pass knows the story.

Section 10, Karabas' baseball, Karabas, Coley, Steve Peralt, Jay Hay, a bunch of those guys all did Section 10. Feidelberg was... You were like an OG or just a pop-on pretty frequently in the beginning? I did not even beginning because Section 10 was around before Jared hit a barstool. Oh, right. And so I think I did about a year and a half maybe. Okay.

I think it was around 2018 season. So I am a World Series winner. And this was what? Like an anniversary of sorts? Maybe it wasn't because Coley and Jared went on that duck boat. So I would have gone on it had I been on at that time. So maybe not. Sorry, what'd you say

what what was this event it was section 10 night of enler so they just had their own night yeah they threw the first pitch like it was a now section 10 absolutely deserves it but they really do let anybody throw it oh it's anyone i mean it's section 10 is different but it is anybody they probably could have done it five years ago. Like, they really earned it. But, like, they just, you know, Major League Baseball just kind of, like, cracked the case that if you let an influencer do it, they will post about it and you just, like, get tagged. Right.

You know Caucasian James? Yeah. He did it the other day for the Brewers, and his caption was, they literally let anybody throw the first person in space. Like, you know, I mean, did we talk about it on this episode, on this show? We talked about it a little bit on We Gotta Believe.

Frank throwing out the first pitch. Rocky's Mets wearing Rocky's gear is... It's why Frank Cabrelli won Best Fan of Barstool. Right, right. And that's why he deserved it. And there never should have been any uproar at all. That was, that man should be, like, stripped of all,'s why he deserved it. And there never should have been any uproar at all. That man should be stripped of all fanhood praise. I mean, Marty got crushed for throwing one out wearing a Cubs jersey. They weren't playing the Yankees.

They weren't playing the Yankees. It was just like they were playing another NL team. I don't know who they were playing. I said if I was at an opposing team, if I was at a, not my stadium, and they asked me to wear the jersey, and it wasn't Yankees, Phillies, Braves, that's probably it. I would probably just be like, yeah, I'll wear whatever you fucking want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But any of those teams, I think I would say no. Yeah, I'm with you on that.

Yankees, I wouldn't. Yankees are probably the only ones I wouldn't, to be honest. No one else I even care about. I wouldn't wear Royals or Giants. That's good, too. Wait, Giants? They've just broken our heart. Do you want to wear Orioles, you say?

Royals. Royals. Royals is a good one. Giants is a wild card game, so it bothers me a lot. Yeah. I don't even think of that. I just think of that as Conor Gillespie, not the fucking Giants. But yeah, that's a good one.

But anyway, so Section 10 night. Did you throw out the first pitch? No, no, no. Just the five current guys. So it was Coley, Steve, Jared, Jake, Tyler. But I was on the field, and it was all in all, it was just like a great night. It was really cool to go.

They had a meet and greet at House of Blues beforehand, which is where we had the Barstool Awards. Saw some very cool pictures Coley posted. They were awesome. And that was really cool. And then we walk on the field, and I'm standing on the field at Fenway Park pregame just chatting with Alex Cora.

Have you ever been on the field? No, not that I remember. Have you ever been on the field, period, anywhere? I've been on other fields, never at Fenway. Certainly never like – I think Fenway is a special something. Yeah. But being on a major league baseball diamond is very cool.

It's like the grass is greener and the dirt is nicer and the whole – if you're into baseball, it really is like – it's like that Rudy moment with the janitor, but for baseball. Yeah. You see the field or his dad when he's like. Right. At one point, I'm chatting with Alex. And it was just a bunch of us were chatting with Alex Cora.

And I hear, Johnny, John boy. And I look over the dugout. My dad's standing there taking a picture of me. That's great. He probably was loving it. It was just like that in and of itself right there. Again, just talking to the Red Sox manager on the field of Fenway Park before the game is something that would blow my mind as a young me. Yeah.

And then we have a meet and greet the whole time afterwards, and we're just talking to Section 10 fans and stoolies, and they're coming up, and they're like, KFC Radio's got me through hard times, and Out of Order's so funny, and Section 10, I loved you on Section 10. It's just a great like very positive night i can just like hear you snickering and see you smirking and i know there is just some atomic bomb that's one of my favorite final break stories really is that good i couldn't stop laughing i wish he didn't tell me i wish i heard on the show i gotta i gotta update the book man fuck and and so i'm i'm now game ends socks blow them out and just 12-3 final game ends driving home on this high of just like like socks beat the shit out of the playoff team orioles maybe there's something there brewing at fenway i mean just like all these people talking about how good the work we do is and how like

it matters to them and i'm like fucking this shit like means i'm like you know when i was just gonna drive right home i decided to reward myself with a uh i was like i was driving down 24 and i was like i'm gonna get a fucking i've been eating healthy i'm gonna get a smoothie i'm gonna get a uh not a smoothie a sunday i i you're rewarding yourself i pull like friendlies uh uh the murder king on 24 and burger king yeah someone killed in it um burger king and uh so i pull into the burger king parking lot and i put the car in park and look at my phone and i open a family group text and the family group text says wow so one person on this text chain just did one and a half pull-ups a new record and another member joined the cast of snl are you kidding me jane so happy for you

and i went i'm not the best sketch maker in my family. Group text. Are you kidding me? What is any of this for? What is the point of any of this? What? What? What? What is no reason to do anything ever again? Because nothing matters.

Who? Give me the details on this. What happened? How? What? It's a group text of like extended family. In the grand scheme of things, you just became a sketch writer. It's like, I'm a sketch writer now. Welcome to you. it's like you like this is your it's like i'm a sketch writer so the the group text is it's like um family members from like it's like it's uncles nephews nieces all that shit yeah cousins and things like that and it's just it's just new york it's it's

feedable from the final work family tree who lives in new york city and we get dinner like once a year it's not a super active text chain. So I was surprised to see a text from it. Yeah. And it's my dad's cousin's daughter. So I think my second cousin, third cousin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's on SNL now.

And then. What was the next text? And then the next text in the morning, my aunt sends a text, my actual blood aunt. She goes, maybe you can do something with john henry and no one's replied to that can't even get a heart thumbs up or anything yeah what is the point what is the fucking point man i um she is i mean i'm obviously joking she's exceptionally funny and all that stuff well get the fucking hook up

I didn't know your second cousin was like you know like that get in fucking get in get in get in with her

ride that wave tell her to go to Lauren and be like my second cousin you know SNL isn't like anything that I never thought like i i wouldn't even i wouldn't even want to be very clear that's not the case but the like i like that was never a goal a goal like my

goal is to work at barstool yeah but now that you're doing it do you did you ever feel that no but like literally no i I know it sounds silly. And, like, yes, if they just were like, hey, you're off your job. I don't think it's... It's not... Well, I'm 35 years old. I'm 36 years old, dude. I'm not going to go on SNL and be like, hey, it's Uncle Johnny.

Like, kids work on SNL. SNL is for young people. Really? Yeah. Rosebud works for them. She writes. She's an old bitch. Oh, she's going to be acting on it?

Yeah, yeah, no. She's a cast member. I thought you said writing. No, she's a cast member. Yeah. Okey-dokey. Okay. Because I was about to, you know, do a whole other thing to try to...

No, it's done. I was going to be like, there's tons of unnamed writers, people who get their skits rejected. Not one of the three new cast members. She's going to be on live TV every single night in front of millions of people. Okay. What's her name? Jane Wickline. Shout out to Jane.

But I don't think even... When did Shane shane get his offer he was probably 30 no how old is shane i don't even know shane's my age i would i would say that was seven eight years ago he's in his 20s i i i it's not like only kids work on sl but snl is definitely like for younger people bro i i i think it would be smart of SNL to try to do stuff like that. If they went and got a popular person with a lot of followers and a lot of presence in their own show and all that already. Yeah, no, they did it. They got Jane.

They got Jane. I mean, Jane, she's got a million followers. She's like, they don't hire nobody. They hire very successful people. Yeah. What is she? Self-made uh yeah uh tiktok we tiktok following oh wow so you're just like definitely just i'm just second place in my family group chat of seven at the very specific thing i do and there's also the and there's also the guy doing one and a half pull-ups too well that was the text i went with wow that's amazing one and a half pull-ups that one went over pretty well people laughed at that you um did you talk to her at all no i don't really know her i i would imagine i've met her once or twice okay like i don't really

know her but it's funny that it's like you're definitively not the most famous person or successful person in your family. That's funny. In my very niche category. In your specific, yeah. There's a theory. Kevin, there's... Yeah, because it's like, you know, yeah. If Benny is like the best insurance salesman in the world and goes on to make like billions of dollars, it's like, fine.

But that's not my thing. This is my thing. Seven seven people i'm the second best what is the point um but you know what's funny too going up to that uh section 10 thing yeah i took the uh i took the quiet car the acela and i always do and the um they should call it like the final burn club fights but the i sat down and the i had like a two-seater and you know there's tables and like in front of me there are four people sitting in there it's a family it's a husband wife and their two kids yeah one's one's an infant baby and the conductor comes down and he's like what the fuck are you doing like he was not very nice

because of right away yeah he's like you can't have a baby on the quiet car and the guy's like i don't know i just bought tickets on the train they put gave me on this car yeah and he's like well you gotta get the fuck out of here like you can't be on the train was the baby crying it was good i i think they had yeah Yes. He was definitely crying at the moment. I was. Yeah. It was crying. I called the conductor.

That's me. I put a hat on. What the fuck are you doing here? But he's like, well, where can we go sit? And then the conductor's like, it's a sold out train. It's with the baby in the fucking. He's like, so what do you want me to do? He's like, I don't know what to tell you, but you have to go.

And now they're kind of like... Like kick him off the train? No, he's saying, he's like, go sit in the cafe car. The guy's like, I'm going to Boston. I'm not going to go stand for four hours. And they're kind of... It's a little chippy. It's nothing over the top, but it's a little chippy.

And the guy stands up. And he's like, where do you want me to go and the guy the conductor's like look i don't know what to tell you all i can tell you is if you stay on this train and gestures at me i can't guarantee your safety and i was like wait a second like you speak up no i don't i was like look i'm not gonna hit that baby but i also don't want it on this train and if my threat of violence is what gets it off the train then fine and the guy's like the guy's like what are you talking about and he goes quiet car customers get very very angry and noise and and he goes and which is true it's actually weird how yeah how

defensive quiet car but to a baby not to a baby i mean i would have been very annoyed the whole time but um i kind of the quiet car thing is like there's a rule it's it's uh it's lebowski it's like there are fucking rules donnie we're not in numb i think you know people kind of get annoyed if you're on any old car like put your phone down turn the volume down don't talk loud when you like pay the money and you're on it right it's like i bought a train ticket and a car showed up to pick me up but it's not what it's like this is not how i paid to get there yeah right right um right and the uh and then he's just like and the guy's like what are you talking about what do you mean? They guarantee my safety.

He goes, they just get violent. They're violent people. I was like, what the fuck is this guy doing? At the same time, yo, I don't know.

The dude's probably seen a lot of quiet car people throw hands. I ride the quiet car fairly often. I've never seen any violent. I've heard some like, hey, quiet car. That's about the most aggressive I've heard. They'll eat your dogs,

man. They're eating pets. They will eat your baby baby if you don't shut that thing up god that is i mean do you think that was also like like would he have gestured to somebody else or do you think it was you were you murdered out like this were you if you're in your hitman outfit like this then you know this was i was wearing different clothes and i saw what the temperature was and i was like oh it's fucking high as shit out never mind you're rocking all black yeah look like you're uh you look like you're about to cater an event or something here um yeah quiet quiet car is one of the most like i think there's like a social contract and like

a literal contract and if you don't follow it people will get angry very and apparently violent yeah he said three times i can't guarantee your safety they get violent and there's one other thing where i was like why is he hammering move on. You've already hit him with the threat of violence. Try another route. Stop saying I'm going to beat the shit out of this baby. But definitely get this baby off the car. Say hi to Can Social Tonics. Can Social Tonics spikes their seltzer with weed,

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That's drink C A N N.com. Use code KFC 20 and that gets you 20% off your order of can plus a free roadie six-pack sampler with all the different flavors. Can products are for persons 21 and older, have less than 0.3% hemp, derived from Delta-9-THC, and do not claim to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease and have not been evaluated or approved by the FDA. I'm stuck in a spot and I don't know what to do. So this is from my parents out there going through the kids' sports stuff. Keegan is just turned seven, and he can swing the bat a little bit. He's pretty good at baseball, you know.

And I tried to find him a travel league that could play fall ball because I didn't want to wait all the way until spring. He didn't get to play summer ball, and apparently there's no fall ball. Did we already talk about this? Fall ball to me was like always a thing like as much as you played in spring like we always played fall ball too was that the way for you or no not for me you played like soccer and shit um yeah i mean i had friends who played baseball who played fall ball but i played hockey i played soccer i played fall ball yeah and you did you always like fall ball to me it was ball was the best. It was fall ball. It's got a name, fall ball. So I thought it was pretty common.

My league, the league he's in is not doing it. I've had all these issues with the leagues the last couple of years. Yeah, yeah. And so all of a sudden we find out that our team is going to do a travel team for the first time ever. And they asked a couple kids from the seven-year-old team to join. They needed more kids to make sure there was a full roster. This is nine and under. So there's nine-year-olds, eight-year-olds, and now a few seven-year-olds eight-year-olds and now a few seven-year-olds and then they get to practice and the first practice and so these kids are on the same team together the same school together

so they got like a click you know and then the first practice one of the kids one of our kids gets smoked in the mouth with the ball and he's bleeding and like kids tough as nails he like his dad like found him like a napkin from the car and was like here you go and he's bleeding and like kids tough as nails he like his dad like found him like a napkin from the car i was like here you go and he's all right then after that we get a message from the coach being like just want to let you guys like think about this because i don't want anybody to get in over their heads and then like lose their joy for the game like in general like you know you're playing with some much bigger kids you could get hit by pitches these kids are gonna be like much better all this shit and so now i'm stuck with the uh i'm stuck with the like i don't know what to do whether i let him stay and play

or do i risk it now keegan is the type of dude who gets like discouraged yeah negative and like i mean he he was you know he's a little bit bigger than than other kids so he's like already hitting like dingers every at bat and there still are times we go home and he's like crying because he didn't get a hit on one at bat or like crying or upset because he made an error or something like that so i'm like we already have issues with this right then i speak to the coach and the coach says if it was my son i wouldn't do this so now i'm like well i'm not doing it you know how's he doing on the field so he went to practice he only had one practice so far and i was away traveling so i wish i was there to see it yeah see it yet so i can't tell and caitlin was there to see it. I haven't seen it yet. So I can't tell.

And Caitlin was there, but I don't think she can tell. And apparently, like during batting practice, he held his own and got a few hits. But when I asked him about it, he was like, coach was throwing fast.

And they were using like, there's like levels to the hardness of the ball. I think they use like a little bit harder. He was like, the balls are hard and coach was throwing fast and uh and and i said that to him and he was like oh that's not good because i was like toning it down a lot he was like the kids you're gonna face in this league are gonna throw much harder than what i was throwing and he was like you know you might run into like a nine and a half year old and your kid just turned seven. That's like a huge fucking gap.

Yeah. And he's like, you know, these kids are up there throwing like 60 miles an hour. And I'm like. 60's gas. Yeah. I mean, that might have been, you know, a little exaggerated. But, you know, there's probably like a kid who's like almost 10 who's throwing like 50. Whatever it was. And, uh, and so, but now Keegan was kind of like, no, I think like I can do it.

And I'm like, now I gotta be like, I'm just, I'm fucked. You know what I mean? I got a coach who's saying this is a bad idea. And by the way, he kind of did it at first, I think to get enough kids for the roster. And then I said to him, I was like, if we, if we, if I drop out and there's like a domino effect or something, will you like not be able to play your season? And he's like, no, the nine-year-old's brought some of their friends, so we're good. So now he's kind of like, I don't need you guys anymore.

Fuck, I wish you didn't do this. Now I've dangled this thing to him. But I don't know. I'm a very firm believer. I think unless you are a little bit older and really, really good, I think playing up especially nowadays is more risk than reward yeah i mean i obviously i can only speak to my own experiences when you were playing any of these sports like did you ever play i was always the young kid young kid

because i'm i'm like a august birthday that's usually like a sept September is the cutoff or whatever. So like I was forever. And how were you size wise? I was size. I was their size. You were bigger. I was the size of the older kids. Got it. Like I was never like massive.

Like I was big for my size, big for my age. I just remember because you know, you didn't hit puberty until you were like 22. Yeah. You had a little pee pee

and no hair on your body. So I thought maybe you were a little bitch. That that was just pubes the size of me was always like i was walking around bra like he has no nuts and no pubes she's got an empty sack down there that's you got labia and no fucking hair but you're like bigger than the 10 year old it's basically what it was i was like my side i again this is all like according to my memory but the i i never remember i never remember feeling small i never remember being like oh boy well like you were like able to hang i was see that i was kind of the perfect level where like i was

good they respected me but i wasn't a star on the team right so i actually loved being the young kid because all the old kids thought i was cool but like none of the old kids thought i was stealing their job either like it was like they accepted me but i wasn't a threat like it was kind of like the perfect yep level and like basically that's what youth sports are right like just gaining confidence or like camaraderie like like i think of it as that and also i spoke to like another coach of a different travel team who was like for me eight and under is still instructional we are like we're gonna let the kids pitch but it's still about like learning the game and and all that shit so like i am still thinking of it very much as confidence

and like excitement and all that shit right i think he's the type of kid who like will he's very like up or down like sometimes he loves it and other times it's like i i can see he's looking over at me like he wants to just ball his eyes out right now because he like messed something up yeah you know but he's but he's he's playing really well like in some regard sometimes like the best kid on the field that he's still like worried. So I'm like, if you get up there and you just get fucking gassed by some kid throwing 50 miles an hour. You got to gas him. Well, that's – yeah. I mean, that's where I think you got to know if your kid is the type to respond to that and go step up.

Or if he's like – But you got to gas him. You got to hit your kid a little bit just to show him how much it doesn't hurt. type to like respond to that and go you know step up or if he's like but you got gas and you got you gotta hit your kid a little bit just to show him how much it doesn't hurt right like he's scared of it he is scared of it hit him with it and he's like oh it doesn't even hurt well you're also a freak bro but that's a pretty standard thing like show you know like show them what they're scared of right and then let me just say you want me to take my son out back and just throw baseballs at him? Yes.

Not like consistently, but hit him with one. Let one uncork one and hit him with one for sure. When I was younger, my dad would, when I wouldn't take a charge, like after the game, he would just be like, all right, stand there. I'm going to run into you, and I'm going to show you it doesn't hurt. My 210-pound dad at 50 is always like, stand right there. It's not going to hurt. And they just make me take it. Absolutely.

It hurts so bad. Yeah, but I guess the idea is like when this kid who's 130 runs into you, it's not a big deal. But that's ridiculous. Then your dad is just putting shoulders into your chest. Yeah, you can just pretend you're actually pitching, but just like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Like, look, it didn't hurt though, right?

I wanted like Happy Gilmore this shit. I'm going to take him to the batting cage and make him stand right on the fucking plate and just take him. And now I'm like, hey, dude, you know, I have a different team with kids that are more your age that like is better for you and he's like no i want to play with my friends i'm like and i can't but that's kind of it right there right like he already calls him his friends

well but this is like he this is his team these like it's weird he's in a small small school district with like one class and then this class of boys like plays everything together so like they're literally his friends on and off of the the field no matter what yeah but it was like every year he was like i don't want to leave my friends i was like bro the first year you played for coach coach rich and you said you never wanted to leave him and then we had coach frank and you made a bunch of friends on coach frank's team and then when we had to leave leave that team, you were like, I want to be on Coach Frank's team. And you made friends on this team. So I was like, technically, you've actually been doing this your whole career.

And you just don't realize it. But he's, I don't know. He's just at a point where I guess he knows. But I don't know. I don't think I... It's just so much... There will be so many more times of bad than good. Of bad, like he plays poorly, of bad than good. Of,

of bad. Like he plays poorly or bad. He doesn't get to play. Doesn't get to play. Not even like plays poorly. Cause I do think he's really good, but it's just like, he's just going to be overmatched.

Like, I don't think he can hit like, you know, the guys throwing their hardest. Yeah. And, and he's also, I didn't even,

even dude, like I, I remember, I just got just got i you know i remember one hit and it was like like the team went nuts yeah and like that's that's my memory from that league but were the other you know you don't remember that now but for the rest of that what type of were you like uh get down on yourself or you would be like short memory goldfish memory um i was i'm pretty short term yes i'm not very intelligent but you are i can see you being like a mo like you're

you know an emotional train wreck head case yeah maybe this is all why i i uh i just feel like he's the type who's going to like, you know, remember that strikeout or that hit by pitch or the time he like threw the ball to the wrong place or whatever. He's that type of guy. Yeah. I'm not trying to like be down on my own kid, but I must try to be realistic about it where it's like I know what his strengths and weaknesses are, you know. And then I tell the coach of his spring team was the one who like kind of organized it. He has a son that's doing this. And I was like, Hey man,

listen, I just don't think it's right for like me and my kid. And he wrote back. Gotcha. I was like, so now I got to deal with you and you and you. And, and,

and then, and then how about this? I get it. He's doing flag football and it's just so funny to, it was a good reminder as to like where kids are at, or maybe it's just my kid too, specifically a good reminder as to where kids are at. Or maybe it's just my kid, too, specifically. Because other kids probably would have got this. But flag football coach calls me.

And he's like, you want to help me coach this year? I said, yeah. He's like, I think Keegan should be quarterback. Keegan should have been quarterback last year. I think Keegan should be quarterback this year. What do you think Keegan's hot? is hot. I think for the first time ever, I'm going to say cut that. That's so wildly inappropriate.

Don't. That's what that Wall Street Journal article did. It found that attractive people are put in the quarterback position at a young age yeah i mean keegan's hot so he looks like tom brady's retarded brother's son's kid that looks like tom brady's retarded son's kid out there i can see he's got that pedigree but i i i facetime him like yo i just got off the phone

with the coach guess what he says you want he wants to be he wants you to be quarterback and he's like really i'm like yeah dude can you believe it and he's like he's like talking to me and he's like can you yeah okay can you watch me play this puzzle on my phone right now i'm like god damn it and caitlin's like put that phone down like talk to your dad he's telling you something exciting and and i'm going on about it and he goes wait what is quarterback i'm like ah of course you don't even know a quarterback yeah this is just based on looks he's never even seen me throw a ball here i am here i am i was thinking you know what maybe we can have like an

actual discussion about like kids sports so how hot's the other quarterback that defensive line is pretty sexy i don't know tough game out there for keith the um but so he doesn't know what quarterback is he he does but like you know it just i had to remind myself that like something that is so second nature to me. He played one one one year of flag football last year. And like, I try to get him to watch, but he doesn't really care to watch.

And so he's like, he doesn't know these terms. Yeah. I mean, I can't say to him running back. You know, he's like, do I run it? Do I throw it or do I catch it? I'm like, so you can do all three of those things. Quarterback. And then he got excited.

But it's just funny when you're talking to your kid as if they are kind of like adults or they know everything. And it's like, they have no fucking clue. You know? So anyway, I don't know. Did you play? What did you? Were you like football?

No. For like everything. Were you like the younger kid, the older kid? Did you play up? I always played up. You always played up? I always played a year up i always like i would i didn't always play up but when i got the like if i got invited i like would take it yeah but i do remember being like i'm in over my head it was it's kind of like the like you you i felt in over my head but then like again so much of it is off the field yeah and so

like when i was at school the older kids like me and the older kids knew me and like it was that that part that that definitely made me feel cool to be on the old person old kid team but i also i remember it like a little bit older i'm talking like middle school and shit i remember like he's still a baby yeah yeah we Yeah. Yeah. We're talking second grade. Like, I don't. Yeah, that's true. I don't. I don't.

Second grade. I don't. I don't. I just remember like. I don't even remember like they're really being like call ups. It was just like if you're at the right age, you know what I mean? Yeah. Second.

Second grade. I definitely don't really remember. Yeah. I think I'm like, I just think that there's going to be more. Is the juice worth the squeeze like for the one time that he gets you know he or even the few times that he does get a hit and plays well i think will be he'll be like yeah that was cool and then the times that are not he'll be like agonizing over because he's just he's got like some you know he's got like anxiety he's got you know weird issues with that which is just so fucking crazy i'm like i can't possibly be more supportive or more like it doesn't matter what happens like in anything i don't care what

you do maybe that's the problem but there really is something built in where like he's just like but what if it what if it goes wrong i'm like fucking cares any of this goes wrong like there's not one thing in your life that if it goes wrong it's a big deal yeah truly nothing matters like one day you're gonna grow up and like your cousin's gonna be more successful than you and that's fucking it dude that's just how how life goes but oh jane maybe we should have jane on the show i thought about it It's just how life goes. Oh, Jane. Maybe we should have Jane on the show. I thought about it.

Jane, a million followers. Will you give us a hard post? Will you collab with us, Jane? Imagine if she blows it out of the water. She's like the next fucking Maya Rudolph or Molly Shannon or something like that. That'd be awesome. Yeah. For Jane.

For her. molly shannon or something like that that'd be awesome yeah for jane for her shitty for her second cousin i'll tell you that much um uh we'll get into voicemails and whatnot in a little bit but first we got to talk about dan bernstein dan bernstein dan bernstein chicago radio host committed like career and social suicide a couple days ago in one of the most unnecessary ways i think we've ever seen ever um it was like a week ago by the way chuck just got the footage oh okay so this fucking guy as i I understand it. Holy shit, this guy. Eddie went on a local Chicago sports talk on a show called Bernstein and Holmes. And Eddie was doing like a simulcast Zoom thing, right? So he wasn't in the room with him, but he's trying to feel him out, as he said, and trying to connect with him a little bit. It's hard to talk on Zoom and people are talking over each other and whatnot.

And Eddie says, Bernstein, are you like a horoscope guy that you said? Something like that? Like an astrology guy? And he answers the question, whatever. And then Bernstein goes, you can call me Dan or Bernstein, not Bernstein. You don't know me like that. Eddie was kind of like, okay. And then in the break,

his co-host takes his headset off. He's like, what did he say? And Bernstein's like, Bernstein. Did we ever figure out what he said after that? No, not that I saw it. So he gets all bent out of shape that Eddie calls this guy by his name. The name of his show is Bernstein and Holmes.

His formal last name is Bernstein. If anything, you would not call him Bernzy. That would be weird. Yeah. That's when you say, bro, you don't know me like that. Not Bernstein. If Eddie were to just all of a sudden roll up on a show and be like, hey, Bernsy, you know, what do you got?

I think people would be like, whoa, you guys are on a first name basis here. Like, you know, you got a nickname basis here, huh? The fact that he just went with the name on the fucking show and also just a grown man's last name, like that's just an acceptable thing to do. And this guy was so bitchy about it

that i really mean it if i was like a chicago listener i'd be like i don't think i can listen to this guy ever again knowing that he's this type of guy for sports talk where you're supposed to kind of be like oh the sports talk is always like that guy he says exactly what i'm saying he's like when we're at the bar talking like it's very relatable if i saw that i'd be like i can't ever watch a show i can't ever like sorry to holmes holmes you're out now bro because bernstein fucked you uh the face he makes him that's not how he said it if eddie was taking shots and he was like he bernstein you know but uh that it was one of the most his poor displays i've ever seen the the original clip was was bad and and really bad like i actually before this clip came out i

texted eddie and i was like i was already on the train home yesterday and i was like i'm just watching this video on repeat fucking yeah it's funny how much it struck a nerve with everybody like it really dave said he's got a champagne bottle with his name on it he wants stooleys to ruin him as soon as i saw it, I was fucking triggered. And it wasn't because I saw all of your guys' tweets. It was like, this just hits a quarter of people. You're such a dickhead. It was very annoying.

And then he went private on his YouTube chat. Oh, yeah, I saw that. It became subscribers only. You can chat because I'm sure it was flooding everything. Bernstein, Bernstein. This is the ultimate though like this people are going to be calling bernstein bernstein for the rest of his fucking life yeah he was you know he's gonna get for the next week strizand it yeah yeah yeah strizand that shit to the max like bernstein oh there's gonna be so many like

you know yeah i just want to talk about the bears okay hey uh you know blah blah from the south side what's up hey bernstein i mean it's gonna be he's gonna get tortured for the next decade career suicide man i swear to god he also also kind of looks like um uh hank hank uh azaria being uh what's his name hank azaria i can see him looking like yeah i was thinking of um brock meyer but yeah he's got a hank azaria look to him but just such a bitch and and again also to like the nicest dude eddie you know what i mean like not that anybody in that situation would be in the wrong but like you picked the wrong one yeah you're trying to trying to pick a fight against eddie in chicago these guys are all terrible now i i can't i i was never a big sports talk guy i i listened to occasionally i was you know not like a i think they every day guy i think they've all devolved

into like the hot take culture. WFIN still has the top guys in my mind. They got the Boomer and Geo type shows that are really fucking good. Evan's been around forever. But then there's a lot of guys who are just doing the Stephen A and Skip stuff. But it's just not... You're a local lower level of it. And it's so easy to see right through. You just doing this this is all performative and you're flip-flopping on absolutely everything

but i guess anything for the votes or for the viewers i love dave saying can you believe a grown man who won't let people call him by his last name yeah rico yeah get the riders ready dave was particularly fired up about this. I don't know if it's because it's one of his big boys or if it's just the principal of the matter or all of it combined. But, like, listen, I hate Bernstein as well. I would not have guessed he's on champagne bottle level. Yeah, it is. That's usually like a private year-long vendetta for Dave.

Years-long vendetta. Yeah, it's got to be the first uh barcelona employee champagne bottle like like bernstein technically hasn't done anything to dave like everyone is like someone did something trial by combat like yeah like yeah that's what i mean like and it might be because eddie's one of his big boys they uh they you know they're on the team together they they zd is is like a family but i meanD is, is like a family, but I mean, he is. Now I have a question.

It's gotta be like, fuck. I don't, I don't disagree with anything that has been done thus far. I am, I'm fully team Eddie team, anti Bernstein, all that stuff. Have we not kind of flipped a bit into cancel culture with this

no i think there's a difference between i hate you because you're a fucking asshole but isn't every like everyone else is they just think something else is an asshole i suppose i mean yeah listen if you're talking about it in a broad way yes but i think it's more like no one's calling for his job. I mean, I'm sure people are calling for it. But that's not like the movement or the reason why. Actually, maybe Dave's tweet exactly was that. I think it was like, let's ruin him professionally.

Dave might have gone into cancel yeah like are we not actively trying to cancel dan bernstein again i'm fine with it i i don't like him i was thinking of it as more like torture this guy for the rest of his god-given life for being an asshole as opposed to like get him fired yeah i I don't care what happens to him professionally, but I think every single morning. I agree. Every caller should be Bernstein. Should be.

It should be. See him on the street. I agree. What's up Bernstein? It's funny because I had not really heard Eddie say much. Right. He released a statement. What did he say?

He had a very good. He just said like a minute and a half, two minute video where he just explained what went down. That's what I mean, though. He's not the one who's really up and on. Oh, not at all. No, no, no. I mean, he's like he's an asshole.

He's a miserable asshole. Right, right. Which seems to be that everyone in Chicago knows that. It's been a few years of him being a miserable asshole. If he was smart, you lean into these things, but he won't. They're all always dumb. Now's the time to have Eddie back on your show maybe you admit you were wrong in a funny way

you know you make fun of yourself you poke Eddie a little bit you know but he won't do that he'll just dig his heels in and be don't ever call me Bernstein and people will keep calling you Bernstein for the rest of your life I mean that is so Don't ever call me Bernstein. And people will keep calling you Bernstein. For the rest of your life.

I mean, that is so day one shit. It's the Jordan crying meme. It's the Uno reverse. They're just going to do it to you for the rest of time. That show's got to be now called Bernie and Holmes. Yeah. Stupid. DraftKings has their end zone crown touchdown being run right now uh i made it

through the first week did you made it through the first week who was your person uh ramond jefferson i went with christian mccaffrey my backup was breeze hall and uh looking back at that jets game kind of got in by the skin of my teeth because breeze hall did not have a great game uh despite the jets running the ball like 80 000 times so we finally have a great game, despite the Jets running the ball like 80,000 times. So we finally have a quarterback, and they ran the ball on first and second down like every single series. That was infuriating. But Brees Hall punched it in, so I am alive for week two from the end zone challenge.

All you got to do is pick one person to score a touchdown each week, survivor style. And right now, they are the number one place to bet on touchdowns that's what everybody likes right people like scoring they like touchdowns dude i had i had remandre stevenson first touchdown i'm touchdown survivor pool first touchdown draft kings anytime touchdown draft kings remandre stevenson feeding families this weekend yeah people you know you could bet on the game you can bet on winners you can bet bet on over-unders and all that. But what people want is touchdowns because in the moment, it's a big, it's like, ah, it's a touchdown. And then it also means you make money.

It's like two for one action. And so you can get ready to do your own touchdown dance. You know what? I feel like I would be a big time with this guy. I would bring that back. Yeah. That would be my move. Or when you do with the hands,

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Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co slash ftball. NFL Plus Premium offer available only to new and former NFL Plus subscribers. Additional NFL Plus Premium terms at nfl.com slash terms. If you're in touch with what's going on in the rest of the internet world this is coming from the world of tiktok where this is guy jinxie uh he's a streamer video gamer he's a streamer yep streamer just like uh sketch right he kind of even looks like sketch a little bit and he's got this smoke girlfriend i think

everyone's over eight of age you know over 18 and he broke up with Brecky, that's her name, for watching porn. And this is his apology video. So yeah, I watched porn videos. But like, not only that, like I would watch like specific videos to where like, there was like screenshots of videos that I watched. And like she eventually like would like found out about that. Like she didn't want to, but she did.

And then I like, it broke my heart to see that I heard her. And, um, that's like something where like, I'll probably, um, like probably never,

I'll probably, I'll probably never forgive myself for that. I, I think I'm a, I do think I'm a good person, but I think watching, I think watching any type of like adult films while you're in a relationship

is cheating. I know like there's probably a, there's probably some like idiots that don't think that, but like cheating i know like there's probably a there's probably some like idiots that don't think that but like if you actually do care about a human being like if you really do care about a person you wouldn't do that now she is an only fans creator no way no fucking way and the icing on the cake. Who was that person? I just saw a thumbnail. Bro, that might be you.

Fucking Leo. That was... Forget this other kid. Queso? That's a funny name. Queso. Why was this just up? Oh, you clicked on it because you thought it looked like me.

I just saw this little thumbnail right here. I mean, that's you, dog. That's you, dog. That's that's crazy. That is. Yeah, I mean, this guy looks like me. When you had your crazy beard. They never stop.

That really is. It's bizarre how often it happens. C-A-S-E-O-H for people. Don't want to look it up. Yeah, O-H underscore. That is. That's you man if you were to put like give me a pose like this so you have your headset on like that's you man that ties your your mustache a little more prominent yeah that's it right there it's not

even the mustache that's prominent it's the the gap in the middle yes yeah that's that's like he has the non-beard that you have yeah yeah all the spots are there's no beard the um for that other dude though what's his name uh jinxie jinxie brick brecky hill is his girlfriend she's an only fiance creator i don't think she does porn i don't think she's like fucking yeah but she's doing one of the terrible comedians they have on it like it's always i always have like it's on my instagram um i was on twitter like i i it's i get ads for it all the time and it's like it's it's just someone being like i'm in therapy and that's the joke um but the unfortunately paths um he had up and it with my eye, that guy's age.

Because I was going to kind of defend him, where I was going to be like, look, this is more just like we were lucky to not have the internet when we were 12 years old and dumb. And I've had countless breakups, stuff like that, where I was sad about something really dumb. And I remember fifth grade, I broke up. Vanessa danced with like her friends instead of me like all kinds of stupid shit and now i see you 22 and now i'm more like fuck was i that dumb at 22 too uh i mean i still think of 22 i mean like what we just watched there was a child talking yeah like i thought he was a child right he's like and then and then like like it's just like i didn't you know i i like hurt her feelings and like i said something and i didn't really do it but like i i did it you know

like i was like this is a kid watching these kids talk about you know whether or not you're allowed to watch porn uh but anytime i felt bad for the dude being like i think i'm a good person you know that girl was just hammering you're a piece of fucking shit for watching porn now let me go upload my tits on that is you know again even if you're just doing like you know bikini pictures or something you have to see the inherent hypocrisy of telling someone they cannot watch porn that they're like a bad person for watching porn while youans account. No matter what you are or are not doing on OnlyFans, your account is for like, you know, those purposes. You might not know, but there's people at home doing things while they watch your videos on OnlyFans. Maybe you don't think they are or they shouldn't be, but they are.

Just fucked up but yeah i mean 22 years old is probably uh probably too old to be putting this out there like that man also i almost i can't wait for this guy to get to the uh like when he's over it phase and he breaks up with her and he's just free and he's just like beating it and having fun yeah like what What was I ever fucking? It's one thing when you break up with a girl. Even if you have a good relationship, there is something euphoric sometimes about the breakup. Yeah. That moment you realize, I can stay out all night, or I don't have to text her, or I can go hook up with this person, or that number whatever it may be there is and even if you you were the one who broke up or you feel bad about it or whatever that first time it hits where you're

just like i'm free is is fucking great and it usually is like you hook up with somebody else and it's exciting you you know you you had sex with somebody else or you got their number or you just like even just being you know flirting with someone is like uh you know it gives you this exhilaration talk about exhilarating a second um but for this guy he's just probably like jerking off at home being like i can do this this is fucking great i'm pulling up everything i can watch give me belladonna right now. Give me all of it. I'm allowed to watch porn again because she's gone. That is crazy. I don't know. I mean, the porn thing is like, I'm sure there are people who are absolutely wrecked mentally and emotionally from porn.

But for the most part, I think you're pretty fucking crazy if you demand that people can't watch porn. I would wholeheartedly agree with that. It's a pretty outrageous demand you cannot watch this form of entertainment but it did get a little funny where he was like she saw a bunch of screenshots that she didn't want to see but she did see them it's like i don't know if you have like a library of thumbnails of porn it might be taking things to an extreme that you know we don't know about when i was probably 22 i had an ex-girlfriend find my porn stash it was like three fold three files in a folder on my desktop and i've told this before but like she was furious with me because the porn star looked like my ex-girlfriend

right and i was like you look like my ex-girlfriend i have a type yes you're right she does a short skinny brunette you got me fucking got me pegged what the hell do you want me to tell you dude yeah i i i wasn't only watching a short skinny brunette i fuck one now i tried to replace her with you the uh the his his sadness over a breakup uh i was gonna say this about only fans but the um there is something like i wish you could tell like your younger self like like you'll be you'll be fine like here's some things that are gonna happen to you in the future and like they're not even good things. It's not even – it's just, like, things that happen and show you that, like, you don't fucking care anymore. The other day I woke up rock hard.

Hard as – as I do basically every morning, wake up bricked up. Bricked up! I was watching watching tv but i was still just kind of playing with it you know and and i was i was still in bed like i had got my day started that netflix was already on and i was just like probably watching steinfeld or something and i started really painting the picture but i started laughing and and in my laughter i felt like my dick gets so much harder did you know that that would you when you laugh your dick gets like way harder dude like you because you're i think you're forcing blood to your penis with your stuff like you're like it's a belly laugh and so then i was like can i fuck like this like that, it's a belly laugh. So then I was like, can I fuck like this?

I think there's a legitimate sexual use for laughing while fucking. I think there's a... What was it in Californication? Fucking and punching? Yeah. Fucking and laughing. I think... I'm going to test it out. Throw on fucking the best comedy special of the year.

If you just put it in somewhere I think your dick's gonna fuck itself I think your dick turns into a vibrator I think I might have reworked sex you don't have to not as much cardio make me laugh bitch

like right there if that laugh I'm trying to feel it right now I don't think I'm like, cause it's almost the opposite. I feel like I. Trust me. Get hard. Hold your dick. Get hard.

Hold your dick. And put on the Pargas. Just, just. It can, it can. I tried to, once I noticed that, I was like, whoa. So then it works with fake laughs too. Like you don't have to put on. Yeah.

Yeah. No, it'll work. You'll feel it. I want everyone to try it and tell me how it works because I think I think I think I had a good laugh a second ago and you said

something and I was like, I was like, if my dick was inside somebody right now, they would have come. It would have done it again. It just kind of like... Did you just belly laugh? Is that what it is?

What's up? I think you're just belly laughing. No, I said it's a belly laugh. If you give a belly laugh... Because if you're flexing your abs a little bit... But to me, it's not my abs. It's more like the Kegels that makes my dick go up. I will bet $100 that it will work.

So how come people aren't in the comedy club just rock hard? Well, you've got to be hard already. Okay. So it's when you're hard. Yeah. It's going to keep you hard. Get hard. Do a couple fake laughs with your hard dick in your hand.

You will see that I am right. Or that my veins are cross weird. It's one or the other. Really? I really i was gonna say i don't know what's worse if i go home and try this and i it works and i'm just like john's like the boner master or if it doesn't i'm thinking that man's a pervert or maybe like, fuck mine's broken. You know what I mean? Like maybe, I mean, I'm definitely going to try to,

and then now out of three, we'll have, we'll know. But Pabst is a young buck, you know, like I, I'm definitely, you're waking up still bricked up every morning.

Yeah. I'm not, I'm not shooting that percentage anymore. That's not every morning. And it used to be. Yeah. I'm saying as I'm getting old, like,

like the, there's also times like I used to be yeah i'm saying i'm getting old like like the there's also times like i used to be like when i was younger you know i always joked when you're young you're trying not to come and when you're old you are trying to come yeah but then there have been some times recently where i am fucking i am hitting i'm breaking the speed limit we are i'm coming fast fast talking like embarrassingly fast at the age of 40 being like yeah but it's just you're so hot yeah i i don't even care about anymore yeah i don't know i came so fast i was like that was so fucking fast yeah like that was gonna come and i started laughing and then my dick gets hard. I just, I have always had the secret of like, just keep going.

What do you mean? Like in recent years, like when I was younger, once I came, it was put a tranquilizer in me, I'm done, you know? Now, like if I just like leave it in. Oh, yeah. For like maybe 30 seconds, you talk a little bit or you just keep him distracted. Then you just keep going. Yeah. And then you can go forever because you just fucking win.

So it's like, yeah, I came fast, but then I made up for it. So what's the fucking difference? Yeah. I get knocked down, but I get up again. I've been listening to a lot of Trumbull Wombo. Then it's like you're churning it up. You're churning butter in there. It's just a whole wreck of it.

Yeah. You got to more rock rather than fuck once that things happen when you're an old man and i uh that's part of my midlife crisis along with this was this was house painting week two model house week oh yeah so like i was just going through it i guess i didn't even. Oh, yes. So I was just going through it, I guess. I didn't even realize I was going through it until I was going through it. But it was such a funny... It started out with Tyrese. It started out with Tyrese. Me and Tyrese live very similar lives.

Yeah? In a weird way. You take away like $100 million and a Benihana and you're left with me. He was on – he's just going through a lot of like divorce stuff and child support and like all this shit. And then he was on Million Dollars Worth a Game. So I was listening to Million Dollars Worth a Game. So it starts with Tyrese and goes to Million Dollars Worth a Game. Then they started talking about Tyrese.

This is almost so embarrassing. I don't want to to tell it but it's more weird than anything and then it gets colossally embarrassing and then they were talking about tyrese's break do you remember what tyrese's big break was um i mean he was singer first yeah yeah 1995 he had a commercial it was a coke commercial you probably yes you don't remember no no so it's a Coke commercial. You probably, yeah, so you don't remember this. No, no. So it's a Coke commercial. He walks on the bus and he puts on these headphones

and he kind of like is singing like la la la la like singing like that and he hums and la la la's the tune of the Coca-Cola jingle. Do you remember the Coca-Cola jingle?

No. The Coca-Cola jingle is maybe just the greatest song, period, that's ever been created. It's very like where in the world is carmen san diego-esque it's very like pull up always coca-cola jingle i'll show you which one to to click on it this shit is such a banger dude this is it's the greatest commercial i can kind of remember this commercial now you're saying always go go yeah

that one's fine i think that's the one hands down ever and maybe like just my favorite composition of all time yeah that's that chapel everyone's saying that today with different lyrics and then i i started going down like a rabbit hole of like um when the blue jays won the world series back in like the early 90s they made a version of this like whenever there's a hit there's always toronto or whatever and the coca-cola jingle like triggered some fucking like nostalgia thing in my head and i just started thinking about like i remember hearing that and like what i was doing and I was thinking about being a kid and how it was like kid like when you're a kid, you're so carefree. And then life just gets harder and just I started spiraling and all of a sudden from the Coca-Cola jingle, I was like a puddle.

I was like a wreck. Like I didn't even know it was this is like the new thing, I guess, when my body breaks down. It was like the other, like when I slept in and started crying or like, I am almost a witness to my own breakdown where I'm like kind of laughing about it and kind of confused by it. But then also it's happening to me at the same time. And I'm just sitting there singing the jingle. Just like, I need emotional help right now. And I, that was when I, that night i wrote like like the 5 000 words

i said yeah and i like started i started with i was like writing a blog being like these are the top five like jingles of all time and let me tell you and it just went like every which direction and i was like the coca-cola jingle wait so the blog's five top five jingles all time it's like a little bit of it's like that but i also was like pouring out my heart like it starts out like emotional and then goes to like the top five songs and then like songs that are um fake songs like scotty doesn't know like it was like real blogging mixed with like therapy blogging it was a fucking if i had to do it like with handwriting it probably would have been like multiple personalities yeah but i was like the coca-cola jingle is so good and so powerful it made me cry that and then so i went i i like just read up on this jingle the uh these guys like came up with it

and the part where they just go do do do do do do do do do they were in the boardroom and they were like doing that and they were like this part right here we're gonna figure out later like we're you know so they just went and the execs were like don't touch it leave it alone that's the full like that's the real version and they put that out i think in like 90 yeah this is this was the thing i wrote so these guys nettles nettles b and coffee were like the jingle bros and they uh the charlie harper who's it was that um i think that's the name charlie sheen's character and uh two and a half men yeah oh right that's who does right yeah and and this ran from like 92 to like 99 and then in 99 they came up with the next one which

was like also pretty good i can't remember what that one was but that shit is a heater bro i was like i was legit thinking i was like if i was a musical artist i would like i would make like i would sample that right now and put that out and just fucking make the song of the summer i i was i was almost like a little nervous but once i saw pat was like nodding along there are songs like that where i'm like this is amazing and like see the younger generation be like, this is fucking trash. But that, like, it, like, hit my soul. And then it was funny because I went to the comments of the YouTube channel. And a lot of them were like, this is the greatest jingle ever. But a lot of people were kind of, like, going through something similar.

They were like, this really made me remember my childhood. And they were like, oh, my God, I remember when life was easy. And I was like, there's something about his song. It's running through middle-aged people and wrecking them right now. So, yeah, the Coca-Cola jingle. I always, like, my dad was a big commercial crier. And I feel that in myself. And then, but I was like, if jingles are going to start hitting me,

I'm going to have to fucking turn off the television. But did the, I have two things. First of all, that just reminded me of a tweet I saw this morning. That was, it's an older tweet, but it's going viral today. It had me laughing out loud on the train. It says, the only lasting 9-11 memory I have is when the Budweiser ad with the kneeling Clydesdales came on during the Super Bowl, and I said, those horses are praying to Mecca. And my friend's uncle got so mad, he had to go in the backyard.

That's a great joke. That's fucking hilarious. And then the other thing. Mecca. hilarious um and then the other thing uh the uh oh wait that reminded me another thing um i had after you mentioned your breakdown so it might have been you who spurned it i had a dream like two nights later and i dreamt the entire night like seven hours and it was just me sitting the entire night, like seven hours. And it was just me sitting in a room crying for seven hours. The dream. Yeah.

Just me in a room, like nothing on the walls, nothing, anything. It was just me sitting there. That is. And I remember every second of those seven hours. And I woke up and was just like, all right, time to work. Time to get into work. That's the single most psychotic thing i've ever heard your dream is you in a fucking in a just four walls four wall all the walls were black not not white walls all black walls four black walls is me just sitting there like like um like sitting on the floor like my knees like this just crying for hours and i

woke up i was like all right i'm good i got fine time to make the donuts let's go make a funny that is crazy town man that is next level nuts i would love i you know like sometimes there's those you you can google like all my teeth fell out my dream what does it mean google that i cried for seven hours what does it mean here's things are going great google that it's gonna be like here's the hotline for suicide like 59 let's go like 50 57 10 yourself like you need you need an immediate fucking assistance here like i've never had a dream like that not only just of crime but like where i remember so much like i remember like every every minute i was conscious enough real time in my sleep being like this is

ridiculous yeah he's gotta go yeah yeah what fucking time yeah wake up dude could indicate you're processing your emotions and working through well yeah yeah obviously uh that's funny though um sick but the uh then saying mecca just reminded me that the other day was a thursday night yes thursday night whatever night nfl kicked off um we had like a client fucking thing or whatever and i was going to it so i was going to the subway right by my apartment and i stopped at the uh newspaper stand to get uh lucy and the uh i walk up to the thing and the guy is just sitting like this at the you know the newspaper stands in new york and he's just like eyes closed mumbling and i was like yo what's up man can i just do lucy 12 and uh doesn't

acknowledge me just keeps i was like what the fuck is going on and then i as i'm looking around i see he put like a little note card right in front of like the candy and it's like prayer time please wait and i was like oh shit my bad oh shit sorry to say something and i took like one step back and it's right in the corner of 14th and 8th so like it's a pretty busy intersection at this time of day yeah so i'm just standing in the middle. It's almost like a music video. Everyone's just partying around me. Yeah. And I'm just standing there waiting.

And five minutes go by. And I'm like, no, dude. I'm like, this is crazy. I can't believe I'm still standing here. I can't believe I'm in everybody's way. But I don't want to leave. Why not? I didn't want him to think I was leaving because he was praying absolutely like i want because i see him a lot and all that stuff so then i just kind of

moved to the side because i was like i can't keep being in people's way i ended up waiting for like somewhere between five and ten minutes let's call it eight minutes and i go up and i'm like hey man can i just grab a lucy 12 and he take he's taking the note card down because no one's ever waited before. I was going to say. That is – John, that's the craziest thing. No, that's the craziest thing. No, I mean that.

I mean that sincerely. You are so nuts for doing that. You waited 10 minutes while a fucking kiosk guy prayed to Mecca. There's one like right down there. I walked by a hundred more. I, again, this is like, I live in the area. You have such issues, dude. I was like, there's my guy.

And I didn't want him to think like, oh, he's leaving because he doesn't like me praying or whatever. I don't fucking care. That's why I was waiting. No one's ever waited is so funny. Yeah. Because he's probably sitting there going the whole time. What the fuck is this guy still doing here i also didn't know how long it takes to pray to mecca i i didn't know why would you because if someone was doing it i would just leave them the fuck

alone i still don't know i don't know if like i don't know how it takes quite a bit really i i thought it was like 30 seconds so go up and down down a bunch. Yeah. Yeah, no, I lost him for a while. Did he even down? Oh, yeah, he went down. He was on his knees? Yeah. Oh, my God. That is so nuts.

I mean, at that point, I already knew what he was doing. I had already seen the prayer card sign. So when he started going down, I was like, okay, I think we're nearing the end of it. We're now at the kneeling portion. It's like, yeah, the post- post communion kneel yeah yeah we just gotta kneel one more time then we're out of here i used to love when my parents would let us dip out oh yeah hit the door and peace out gotta give a shout out to one of our new sponsors express the men's clothing line well the clothing line in general that's been around for a long time now i remember growing up uh going to the mall and always seeing express and they are still one of the most

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it is a wonderful thing to find someone attractive and then to have their attention, for however fleeting it may be. And so for me as a man, to see someone as stunning as you it is exhilarating so imagine being in your presence being in your orbit these older gentlemen who have never seen such beauty i would imagine that they are just taken so aback that they become monkeys like most men are or into understanding why i feel what I feel. Are you doing card? Yes. But I will tell you this.

If I do see you again, which I hope I do. I think I'll be around. I'm going to want to talk to you more. I like being in your orbit. Thank you. I hope you are told on a daily basis that you are treasured. As much as I hate to say this, I am going to miss you. I want to enjoy every moment. And I hate knowing that this moment is going to end we have beautiful golfing in front of me it's just i have someone so

beautiful in front of me right now too bro he had he hit dangerous fleeting beauty exhilarating like just all of that and it's like the his body language is somehow the worst part where he's like leaning on the on the it's not comfortable but he's trying to like do a thing and the whole time she's not giving him anything back except for you can pay with your car i mean the fact that that guy didn't beat himself senseless with a driver when she hit back with that. That guy clearly must be golfing alone that day. Because if it was any of his buddies, get over here, you pervert. I mean, that is. Now, don't get me wrong.

This girl is a stunner. And she absolutely is beautiful. And I'm sure there are old men who are like, they didn't make them like this when i was younger but to just tell that to her face and to be like i'm going to miss you and i hope that i see you again i just like being in your orbit your orbit that's the other one fucking astrologist god like get out of here that is deplorable we need to bring back shame this guy needs to be like do you think that guy walked away going like fuck you're so stupid you're so stupid or no uh no i do not think that i don't think that guy walked away and was like i told eric legrin i didn't want to get hurt like he i think he might have walked away thinking like i did a bad job of hitting on her like fuck i blew it but not thinking like i just embarrassed myself and creeped this girl out i don't i don't think that

a hundred thousand million i i think this guy sees this video and it's like nailed it but you might you might want to put that out on a how-to gentleman like this guy sees this and he's like i can be the next and Tate. This is easy. I mean, that is. And like, she obviously, like if a car girl plays along, you know, sometimes they're like, oh my God. Yeah. She was just like, uh-huh. Okay.

Are you paying with card? And then to top it off, her caption at least said, no tip. So after all that, zero tip. He also also he looks younger than i expected yeah like yeah it's like you're not enough to be like grandpa like i actually now that i'm saying it out loud like it does feel like a guy who watches like how to be a man videos yep and like this probably is an android disciple and it is And it is not, I guess, speaking for me, if I was a hot chick, this wouldn't make me want to fuck you. No. This is like borderline, like, get your rape whistle ready. Yeah.

Make sure that there's some people nearby. It just kept going and going. I genuinely don't understand. Like, oh, my God, I want to be in your orbit. You know what this had? This had a little bit dimitri the douchebag vibes remember him not really yeah you do remember it was a voicemail back in the day where if i played you his voice you would know it where he was just like uh yeah

hi this is dimitri and like i uh that rainbow yeah he was just kind of like like he she rejected him and he just had this voice that was like you think that you could i can't pull up dimitri the douchebag it was very uh very like if this guy he was still like being quote-unquote like friendly and nice if that girl like tried to shut him down he would be like who the fuck do you think you are something like that real quick you'll remember this as soon as you hear it hi uh hi um okay this is uh dimitri you remember this as soon as you hear it hi hi this is Dimitri I'm sorry I was in a big rush yes I remember

I was actually on my way to go it's like a whole series by this this I think is a this was like a what's it called like a spoof on it but that all started I think as like voicemails like I want to see you and then as soon as he got great. This was like a, what's it called? Like a spoof on it. But that all started, I think, as like voicemails like, I want to see you. And then as soon as he got blown off, he was like, fuck you.

But that guy, that cart guy, thank God his face was hidden. He's got a tattoo. Yeah, the tattoo is locked. No. Yeah, that guy's wife, he went home. And that guy's, as soon as this got passed around and his wife saw that tattoo she was like i i don't understand like seeing something like this and i know it's obviously out of the norm but like why women are car girls i know the answers

for the money and stuff like that i was gonna say the other thing is i don't want to sound like ignorant here because you shouldn't have to go through all that but there is just a connotation with car girl and you kind of know what you're getting into in that regard you know what i mean yeah i mean i guess like i wouldn't know i'm getting into that i i guess i would i guess like i know fucking old guys are gonna hit on me but like yeah like uh like the male version of this is like i don't know you want to go swim with the sharks? Yeah. Like, not really. No fucking. For a summer job?

No. And then if you're not getting, like, I would have thought that this guy was going to throw her, like, 500 bucks. Yeah. Because he's, like, in love with her. But then also, that's weird. Because then you're like, fuck. Well, yeah.

That's like one of my. You can give, like, 25% tops. Now I feel like I, you know, I got to, like, do something here. I don't know why other than I just want the money. But the opposite of this being the caddy for a bunch of old women is the best. You're the most handsome man on the planet. They tip well? They tip the minimum amount every single time.

Not the minimum amount, the standard. The right amount. They're cold and that's what they do. But then but like guys will rather like cheap out on you or they'll tip you crazy like it's that's interesting they'll base it off your performance and shit like losers fuck that yeah it is weird like when with a guy i guess it's because it's always like the threat of violence isn't there but like as a guy it's awesome like i've done the fucking petty cabs in newport and i've worked on like tour boats in newport where i was just like the drink guy and like it's unbelievable but again if push comes to shove me and you in a dark alley i'm walking out hey guys how you doing so i just have

a quick story uh wanted your opinion on it really. So I work at a nice restaurant down the shore, very nice steakhouse. A lot of athletes go there. Dave's been there. Jersey Jerry's been there. Very nice steakhouse. Eric Legrand was there one day. He was with five of his buddies. I'm talking to him. I'm actually taking care of him. And I go, hey, Eric, good to see you. You still do that flag football tournament at Rutgers. He's like, no, not really. We don't do it anymore. I'm like, oh, that's where I met you.

Yeah, I was just wondering if you still did it, whatever, whatever. My next line was absolutely ridiculous, and as it came out of my mouth, I knew it was stupid. I said to him, yeah, I don't really play flag football anymore. I'm scared to get hurt i said that to eric legrand football player that does doesn't walk anymore um as soon as i said it i immediately walked away um and i knew i fucked up and i tell this story to this day um wondering if you guys ever did anything fucking stupid like that or you just have an opinion on that uh thanks guys holy shit that's

a great story that is a great story uh i i did that on our show when with the barstool radio nonsense i was like dave is never gonna fire you and francis was sitting right there and i tried to go back to that episode i was like what that get all bad that was different put out of my mouth uh telling telling eric grand i don't play flag football anymore because i don't want to get hurt there's like eric's like okay man yeah you fucking pussy dude bro shout out to guys like eric grand like he's been so positive for so long i would be such a miserable cunt to be around all the time just be like i'm you know i'm paralyzed right anything you have to say i'd be like i'm paralyzed i actually saw a

clip of that a kind of similar thing the uh i followed john berthal and he was talking to his brother who is i've talked about before on the show the berthal family tree is nuts we haven't had him in person, have we? No. We should try to do that. He's the fucking man. He's the best, dude. But the family tree is insane.

Yeah, yeah. His parents worked in politics because he grew up in the D.C. area. His grandfather was a symphony orchestra conductor. I'm saying because it's all famous of kinds. They all have Wikipedia pages. Eric Schlesinger is his cousin. Eric Schlesinger is the lead singer of Fountains of Wayne. Stacey's mom wrote That Thing You Do. Great song.

Decent movie. It's crazy. But then he's got another brother who's married to Sheryl Sandberg, who's the CEO, maybe COO of Meta. And then his other brother is like a world-renowned heart surgeon. And he's talking to him about what life is like dealing with those people. Pressure. Yeah.

Not even the pressure, but like the people who are sick. And he's like, the positive message he has. Wait, you're saying the doctor who has to deal with people who are sick. Yeah. Got it. And he's like, the positive message he had you're saying the doctor who has to deal with people who are sick yeah got it and he's like he's like we don't wake up he's like we isn't just everybody he's like we don't wake up we don't appreciate the good days like you don't wake up and you go my back doesn't hurt today you only wake up and you go my back hurts you don't wake up and go oh like my leg feels fine today and he's like the people i work with would do anything to have one day where they didn't hurt like they don't care about the money they make they wouldn't care about like if if you could give them that one day where they're not in pain they wouldn't care about

their money they wouldn't care about this and we go that and i was like fuck okay that's good insight yeah for real man that makes you feel like a total asshole all the time. It's like, stop complaining. They wouldn't care about how things are going at work. They wouldn't care if their cousin got SNL. They only care that like today I feel fine. I was like, all right, I got to, I got to, I got to grasp a little bit of that. Who doesn't know? this is one of those things too where i like i keep telling myself i genuinely don't care like that wasn't something i wanted but then i'm like talk about it a lot

i would love to talk to jane that'd be so funny i wonder if there was one second of her going boy john henry's gonna be pretty upset about this i assure you jane has no idea who i am no clue who i am like we probably met once at a family that makes it even better and more real like we me and jane you can kind of hate her then no i don't hate her at all if you wanted to you could like if it was like your real like a sibling or somebody really close you you have to be like internally you're a little upset but you gotta like be like i'm happy for you because you don't really know you can be like fuck you she we are the uh the mad men meme and she is uh star madman john ham what's his name no no what's his name oh john ham what's elizabeth no no what's his name oh john ham um where it's like whatever he's

like i don't think about you at all yeah it's like i don't i literally don't care about that person at all i don't know your name i don't know who related that's fucking great um all right last one my girl jackie um i am listening to your britney schmidt interview absolutely laughing out loud i love her so much um but this question comes in lieu of hearing about your lambskin condom talk um my best friend is allergic to latex so um she has never used a actual condom before regular condom she has only used a lam skin condom once also at the like ripe age of 15 she said she'll never use it again it was so disgusting she said it was the most disgusting smelling thing

ever enough to ruin any sexual activity um and so that brings me to my question why is the only option for latex the only alternative sheep intestine have we really not figured it out yet it is 2024 like vegans i like we are making fake meat so that they can eat it why is latex so behind on the curve my question for you is what is something that exists that and if you are allergic to it you don't fuck with it whatever is the worst alternative in the world they should i mean they should make like you know the impossible Burger, the Impossible Coffee. It does seem strange that you can't figure out some variation of rubber, plasticky, whatever else you've got to put in there.

It's just latex. That's the only thing that works. And then how do they figure out the lambskin? That's the real problem. I think you got a pretty good idea. Someone was fucking it. Couldn't get it off. Oh, you think they were fucking it?

Yeah. Oh. Oh, that's interesting. That's a good... What were you thinking? I was thinking that, yeah. I was thinking if somebody just used it in the moment, like fucking had lambs.

I guess I'll use the entrails of this dead animal yeah yeah yeah yeah i guess yours is a little more reasonable either way well it's not gets any better yeah yeah yeah um it's all pretty pretty much a nightmare the uh that reminded me the time i was in rome and ordered the dish. I told you this? Mm-mm. I went to this dinner in Rome and it was just like a local Roman cuisine. Not a nice spot, but not a bad spot. And the guy comes out and he's like, right away, the second I sat down, he's like, what do you want?

I was like, I haven't looked at the fucking menu yet, dude. Yeah. And he's like, all right, I'll be back in three minutes. And he comes back on the dot. Three minutes later, the whole fucking menu is in Italian. So I have no more information than I had three minutes ago. And I saw one thing that was like penne pahata or something like that. It was called.

I'll just do the penne pahata. And he's like, he's been being an asshole. And he's like, you don't want that. And I was like, that's what I want. He's like, you know what it is? I'm like, yeah, I know exactly what it is. I'll do the penne pahata. No idea what it was. And he was like, you don't want that. And I was like, that's what I want. He's like, you know what it is? I'm like, yeah, I know exactly what it is. I'll do the penne pahata. No idea what it was.

And he brings it out. And I take my first bite. And I was like, boy, this is, it tastes a lot more like rotten milk than I thought it would. And so under the table, I Google penne pahata again, whatever it is. It's something like that. And it's called the forbidden Roman dish. And it was like banned from rome until like 20 years ago and it is little pieces of penne but mostly because i didn't notice anything looking at it mostly it's chopped to the size of penne the intestines of an unweaned calf

and stuffed with cheese stuffed with like a rotten milk or something like that and then but then i was like well i don't fucking want this guy i don't want him to come clean it up and be like told you yeah yeah so i just had to eat the whole ate it i just fucking gutted the whole thing it is it was terriblerible. What's wrong with this guy? Out of spite. Yeah. No, yeah. That wasn't like an embarrassment.

That was like, I don't want this guy to have the upper hand. He clearly won this exchange. I don't want him to know he won it. To the extent that you'll eat a cow stuffed cheese intestines is fucking crazy. The fact that you'll wait 10 minutes for mecca prayers the fact that you'll eat disgusting dishes for these random people like there's something so wrong with you you know what it is he played up in sports played up in sports that's why i'm not putting my seven-year-old with a nine-year-old they're gonna end up like this. This fucking guy.

I don't want Keegan to wait 10 minutes for Mecca prayers. Jesus Christ. Right. But the worst thing, whether alternative is kind of more of the question, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the alternative exists. Yes, I guess so. And it's like, that's the best you can do.

That's a tough one. I don't can do that's a tough one I don't it's hard to streaming cable streaming is the fucking lambskin condom of cable television which fucks me right can you imagine like you're uh i don't know 16 17 maybe 18 19 whatever and you find out you're allergic to latex like as a as a guy i think you give a little fist bump yeah as a As a guy, maybe as a girl, you're probably like, fuck.

Because I'm going to have to worry about pregnancies and shit a lot now. But as a guy, you're like. Yeah. As a guy, that's like. I almost feel like you also have to have like your papers on you. It's like everybody. I've actually never done that. I think you're a pretty sleazy dude if you're like, I'm allergic to this.

Yeah. But if you were like, bam. Doctor's note. Can't do it. do it what now yeah it is so great a latex allergy as a 16 year old is like the uh like going to the gym and all the parking spots are taken oh i can't do it i was gonna say it's the uh the deviated septum of 16 year old girls yeah yeah yeah that's a better one it's a medical it's truly a medical thing because when you just like i just gotta fuck raw for the rest of my life sorry yeah whatever i'm not gonna raise this kid who gives a shit i'm 16 i don't give a fuck i know your parents are gonna take care of this i can't realistically be expected to raise this

child my mom's gonna take it and say she had a kid later in life i'm her gomer sister this works all right that's it for us let's get into our interview with uh shannon field fielder right all right that's it for us let's get into our interview with shannon fielder uh you know her as the girl on tiktok doing all those uh impressions of the connecticut woman and manhattan girl which is a stand-up comic uh let's check it out um i've been following you for a while i feel like this is overdue oh my gosh thanks yeah i feel like i actually might have been one of like an early like a day one and og yeah i love it one yeah not day one but i feel like i was early on on like you know the original

um like connecticut girl yeah that's where it all started yeah yeah i feel like i was early on on like you know the original um like connecticut girl yeah that's where it all started yeah yeah i feel like i did probably see that pretty quickly so where are you from connecticut uh i grew up in monroe which is like fairfield county ish i mean it's in fairfield county but it's not like fairfield county you know um and then we moved up to gramby when i was in middle school so like that's kind of where i'm from gramby's like sticks right yeah like we used to say to get to our house you pass the cows and the corn fields and if you get to the tobacco fields you've gone too far and if you get stuck behind a tractor add 15 minutes and that was all like real not an exaggeration it is funny how much of america is still currently the south but also in connecticut we're like i mean connecticut's a weird state

because it's like you can be new england but you can also kind of be new york you know yankees red socks it can be like boonies but also very hoity-toity exactly it can be you know i ride my my horse to work or i ride like my bends you know like yeah exactly um so what are you then what am i that's a good question I mean so I have all these characters right the Connecticut girl the Manhattan woman

I always say I'm like a little bit of all of them I feel like I'm a nicer Manhattan woman okay you know I lived here you know I moved here the day after I graduated

to New York City and so I feel like that's like the majority of my personality but with a New England touch okay but I feel more New England-y Connecticut

I mean let's call it though the Manhattan girl character is just a bitch she is fair enough fair enough that's you caught me there so i cut you through the i'm a nicer yeah like i don't think it happens to ladies i think if you throw out you're i'm a nice guy you're a psycho you're not a nice guy you're an absolute fucking creep yeah no but there is something funny about those um it we used to do it more when we were blogging in the very beginning before we were doing any video yeah um when you find like a relatability like uh and and everyone goes like yes that's right you know and And I think those videos, yours specifically, but it's kind of a genre on the internet, if you will.

People are like, everyone from Connecticut sends it to all their Connecticut friends. And then when you do Manhattan, everyone in Manhattan agrees. But you have to really, you do have to know it. So you know Connecticut and Manhattan, but when you do some of these other places, are you just going off of?

No, I have a rule for myself. I won't take on a character if I don't have a firsthand friend, somebody, family member who has lived in the place or lives there now that I can ask the more intricate questions, right? Because anybody can Google like 10 bars in New York City to name check and that's not going to feel authentic. So for me, it's,'s yeah it's obviously about like the the things that you can cite like the the restaurants or just like the weird turns of

phrases that every city has but it's also about personality traits um and who these people are beyond just like five things that only exist in your state well usually yeah it's a fine line because if you do if you're phony about those wrong it's like so annoying yeah the people it's the same thing that the people who send around love it will be like exactly this is not true we don't hang out at that bar exactly i got a new i got a manhattan one wrong and i was like mortified with myself but i said i'm waiting in line instead of online as we all say and i just wasn't thinking and the hate in my comments so We don't say that. I'm sorry. Online is, I mean, I have been

just getting bombarded with that for 20 straight years. It's taken me 20 years to realize you're not talking about signing it to AOL. It didn't take me 20 years. But you're a heavy inline guy? Oh yeah. They also say to me, they're like,

you're not on a line. I'm like, you're not on a line i'm like you're not in a line either but i'm on a line no okay see it's a good argument it's a good argument it's like you think of it as like you're in it on this way i think of it as i'm on it i like the ground i think i'm in the middle of a sandwich oh you're like i gotta get behind me i'm the fucking burger i'm in a line no i think of it as like if there was a painted line on the ground, we would all be standing on it. Yeah. But my thing is physical and exists. Yours is.

Yeah, but you're not like, you're in it. You're in it. But those guys. Yeah. I'm in the mix. But I mean, there was a time where I, I mean, I used to do that on Twitter. Just like find all these little idiosyncrasies and tweet about them and just watch the world burn. People get so passionate about it one way or the other where it's like, that's not the right way to say this word.

People go crazy. And I used to do it myself. And then I figured out to like do it on purpose but then there are people who genuinely are like that's not right and i'm like it's where you grew up yeah it's a hundred percent but i still i will never i can never the people who think that mary mary and mary mary and Mary. They say all the same. So you're, are you Long Island?

I'm from the Bronx. The Bronx. Okay. But like, but I'm more, I think anybody around here, if you say like, I'm,

I'm, I think you're one of them, right? What? Like say, you know, you're going to, you're engaged and you're going to have the marriage with the,

the, the mother of Jesus. Say that. I'm getting married to Mary. Yeah, married to Mary. It's fucking insane. And it's going to be a Mary time. Mary. It's going to be a Mary time.

See, you kind of did Mary. There are people who will say Mary, Mary, and Mary for all those three words. I think I might. Do you? I think I might, yeah. Oh, maybe I'm the weirdo. I don't know. No, I hear what you're saying like to say like merry christmas to marry yeah merry christmas i'm gonna marry you

i don't know is that the same when i hear people just go like marry marry once you start thinking about it i'm gonna marry a word i don't know but there's a whole you know you'll get a reaction every single time do you find though like it gets stale or is it very, I'm always struggling with, like, we've had this show for so long. Yeah. We've talked about a lot of these jokes and done a lot of these hypothetical questions and shit. And I'm always like, we've done that.

But we did it, like, many years ago. And there's a whole new audience and a whole new generation that, like, haven't heard Mary, Mary, Mary, you know? Yeah. No, I struggle with that sometimes with, like with like even so i did last year manhattan woman goes to the u.s open which is happening right now and i was like do i repost it do i like make another version of it like i just did it but there's all these new people that follow me now that definitely didn't see it right um i feel like i have at this point enough characters that at least for myself i keep it

interesting where if i'm like bored of doing one character i'm like all right i just won't touch her for a minute for a minute um but it is it's really hard to know you call it her oh my god i really think of them like do they have names or no no they don't which sometimes is hard because now i do stuff where they talk to each other and i can't like i can't say like hey jessica yeah i'm just like i think you really have it separated like they'll talk to you oh no they you're a psychotic and I can't like I can't say like hey Jessica blah blah blah yeah I'm just like I think you should start naming them you really have it separated like they'll talk to you

oh no you're a psychotic you are a schizophrenic I have 100% this is a whole new interview now no it's crazy and they all have worlds they all have husbands

they have dogs like I've populated it that you tell the world or it's just all up here I mean most of them if like if I haven't told the world I probably haven't thought of it yet

but like Colorado girl has a dog named Brack who appears. Okay. But you do say it. And Boston girl has a friend, Maureen, who shows up in every single video. Right. You're borderline like George R.R. Martin. Build a world. You're building like the Lord of the Rings world.

There's places and names. It's like Sorority Game of Thrones. Yeah, no, it is crazy. To be clear, all their backstories that exist yeah they come out in video yeah it's not just it's not like you're just keeping them up here no that would be that would be nuts but like maureen has a name yeah but like the girl the boston girl does not yeah she has to be anybody can you know what i mean yeah okay so you know everyone has a marine but yeah exactly and it is funny how like at this point now some of my fans are like audience

members who've been around for a long time my day ones will sometimes comment things like i'll do a video about boston girl and they'll be like where's maureen i'm like oh my god i can't do it in your act though or is that just so i do a little bit So they're not the same. My standup and my online presence to me, they're two totally different entities. I'm not like some people do character shows, which is amazing. It just wasn't for me. That's not what I wanted to do on stage.

And I started as a standup. Oh, okay. The social media came after as a response to the pandemic when there were no. Right. Everybody did it. Yeah.

And so I do a little section where i do like a quick it's probably like five minutes towards the end of the hour and i do a new one in my new show that i'm touring now where i like bring the girls in and i have them each react to one you know how they react when they're jealous of their husband or something and i show you know six or seven of them and that's it it's like enough to wet the appetite of the audience but not so much that it's like okay we've seen this on social we don't need to pay to see this yeah yeah yeah i get it it's a fine line people want they want they want um what they want exactly they see but then there is some level of like i can't just do this you can't it's like it's like doing it i

mean you are doing an impression but it's like if you Just have one impression That you always do It's like eventually You gotta move around Move on from it This is gonna feel Oh I was just gonna say This is gonna sound like Hubris for me to even

Compare myself to this But it would be like Going to a Springsteen concert And not hearing Born to Run Yeah yeah yeah Like you wanna hear All the new stuff So the headline's gonna be

Shannon compares herself To Bruce Springsteen Greatest rock and roll Artist of all time Yeah you gotta play That's the encore That's the end but you just

you gotta have something when we started doing live shows and we kind of like had it wasn't a big production by any stretch of imagination but we

tried to do a very unique thing we tried to not do this show there and I remember after like one show in Philly we had like a little meet and greet after

and like we didn't do the voicemails which is like kind of like the lifeblood of the show and people were like why don't you do voicemails just do the show yeah can you just do the show and i was like i mean we probably dropped the ball in the sense of philly was probably not the place to like experiment a little bit but also we were doing like uh little bits about like them and kind of like poking fun and they did not like that well see this is why i'm not into that i had to do a philly girl wants to drive ticket sales for a philly show and i like studied okay and now people are

like why won't you bring it back i'm like because i'm terrified of you because like if i get anybody else wrong people are gonna like be me i don't know i feel like the philly community is gonna like come at me so i uh respectfully retired her right you make you know say the wrong cheese steak joint exactly or something like that oh my god although if you can if you can do that delco I respectfully retired her. You say the wrong cheesesteak joint or something like that. Oh my God. Although if you can do that Delco accent, I'll laugh at that every fucking time.

Oh, it's so good. There's that one woman that does it. I don't know if you get her. She does like Philly mom. No. It's the funniest thing. We have Rowan who does Philly mom. Yeah, a guy who does it really good.

It's so water. It's so good. Water is tough. Home and phone. I have a very off topic thing to say real quick. When you hear a word, like it's kind of obscured you spell it in your head like when you just said to wet like to wet their appetite i went she means w-h-e-t and like like i'll do it with wednesday too i'll be like that's a d yeah i always think i say it in my head but i don't like you see like w- e like you see the letters or just you look at the whole word it's all i've been thinking about

since she said it w h i'm just going she means with an h like i wasn't congratulating myself for knowing that i'm like yeah not too bad john you got that one i don't know how i see i see words this is getting real metaphysical i don't know what's happening autistic i am nick crowley other day he was on a uh polygraph and they i guess this is the thing he's talked about i can't imagine why else it would come up they had a picture of jason statham and they were like true or false this is the voice your internal monologue is jason statham's accent and he said like he was like i don't know for sure and like that he'd stayed totally you know and then he was like and then he started to do it and he started he's like i just want to smile like him he's got that little

smile and he starts doing the accent everything and the polygraph stayed like true the whole time so i guess nick kroll's internal monologue is Jason Statham. That's fucking sick. That's cool. Yeah. That's awesome. What a fun way to go through life. I wish. It's just like my own voice in my head. Yeah.

No, you can't make that up. Like if it's happening, cool. Yeah. But you can't be like telling your brain to sound like Jason Statham. That's like giving yourself a nickname. Yes. It's not cool. Yes. You can't do it.

Your internal monologue is what it is. Who's would yours be? Princessa. Princessa. I was going to say Doc Emmerich. Doc Emmerich. I mean, I feel like it has to be Morgan Freeman.

Morgan Freeman. It's always a classic for voices. And also, but also having a great internal voice. Like I already hate hearing my voice. I have a shit voice. Let's work on my external voice. Exactly.

I'm like, if you guys can hear how this sounds in here, it's way better. Seriously, it's so much funnier and so much better. Every thought of mine is great until right here, and then it becomes a mess. Yeah, that is going from when we used to write to people hearing our voice, listening to our face. People used to like my writing, and then they were like,

I want to punch you in the fucking face. I was like, oh. I was like, I'm literally saying the same words just just rid it the biggest one i know simmons and i was just guilty hated him when bill simmons started doing podcasts and stuff like that and being video i was like dude go back to page two he made the right career choice but i know but but it was a real like he just powered through it yeah but it's it's definitely like, oh, you guys, okay, you don't like me. You just like my words on my face. Do you have

mostly female subscribers or female followers? No. No? No, it's pretty like 40, 60, 50, 50-ish actually. Really? Which was a big surprise for me.

Yeah, that's great. I think what I've found through live shows is that it's a lot of couples. Yeah. Like boyfriend, girlfriend, married couples, whatever. And a lot of times it'll be, oh, my husband or my boyfriend found you and sent this to me and was like, this is you. And as I've started to do more stuff, too, about like being married and what that means and like how annoying I am. Yeah, I got married last year.

And just thinks how annoying I am to my husband and how annoying he is to me. And I find that that's very relatable for both sides. I ask because we have a little, seems to be brewing here, a little issue outside. That Tommy has never seen Veep. And he's never seen it. The explanation he gave, which I get to an extent extent is he can't relate to female leads oh um well again you're not supposed to relate to her just watch the fucking story i can't relate to the vice fucking president dude like there's there's a million things

i get what he said like there's sometimes i don't like it's gonna say that veep is a chick show or something yeah this is this is not as bad as that but that's pretty fucking bad that's not great julia leah dravis is like the girl also but like if you watch veep tommy's tony hale tommy tommy has a very main character he can relate to totally and it's not a scary yeah that's not great you don't want that she she is she's unbelievable yeah she's amazing people forget about squeezed in between there is the Adventures of Christine yeah that had like three syndicated shows

oh I didn't even know that yeah the Life and Adventures of Christine something like that oh wow I don't even know the title and it was like

in between Seinfeld and Veep and it did like many many many seasons it was like wildly successful to have three shows in syndication she's so great on everything

like when she guest like on Arrested Development when she comes in as like the blind lawyer the blind lawyer is iconic justice is blind it's just so good

that show to me that show is the best what's your favorite show ever favorite show ever that's a tough question are you a avid TV watcher I am yeah so like there's a lot of

a lot of options there I mean this is so girly but Gilmore Girls is definitely my go to there's a lot of shows that I options there i mean this is so girly but gilmore girls is definitely that is my there's a lot of shows that i can watch like i i watched desperate housewives with my mom for a while and uh like some of those like uh this is us and parenthood and a lot of girly shows that i watch yeah gilmore girls was like i don't think i could do that yeah i found

that one hard to relate it's fair you also have to like fair enough like, fair enough, I get that. No, I've actually never, see that's one, Melissa McCarthy? Yeah, yeah, that's like her first, I think it's her first thing. And it's very different than the kind of comedy she's now. Melissa McCarthy?

She's not one of the main people. Okay, I was gonna say, it's the dark hair girl. Alexis Baudel and Lauren Graham. Lauren Graham, that's her. Laura Lion-Roy. I also think that was the, that was early enough,

that was back when I was like, I'm not watching like that's like you're in like your prime teenage boy face yeah and then and then like there are shows now that that people would call like guilty pleasures that I'm like I don't feel guilty this is fucking great like I mean I'm a huge love island guy now yeah I'm a huge love is blind guy um i'll watch uh what's like i'm trying to think of a scripted one that i watch it's pretty girly i watched i watched bridgerton oh yeah it's good it's fun you know yeah you watch all three seasons uh

no i kind of like jumped in midway through i mean you know i'm not doing this by myself yeah for the girl exactly if i sat down and watched by myself different story but it's i i think you know finding um i think the most important thing in modern day relationships is having a show is or just matching television wise i agree having a show is the pinnacle of that where you both get it but like as long as you can somewhat match where it's like i will watch some of like the kardashians and you watch some of the games and then we both like this show or and and also just being like what are we doing tonight i want to watch like six hours of television you do great you know like if you're

like oh i don't want to sit on the couch and veg out like i think your relationship is not gonna work that doesn't match up you're fucked agreed um i try to have a drama and a comedy running at all times like one like for the relationship or yeah yeah like like that we can tune into like do we have a half hour comedy in us or do we like are we gonna watch yeah yeah yeah what are we doing right now right now modern family which i've never watched all the way through i think that might be the best comedy of all time it's unbelievable we're getting close to the end but i i mean i'd always like you know seen episodes i didn't live under a rock but it's unbelievable that show it's so good i have one person i follow who hate and it's not like a big account like that hates she still talks about it to this day she's like i can't believe that everyone in emmy that show sucks that's such a

bold opinion it's like a person i know from Boston oh from Boston like she's tweeting it to nobody that'll do it's just like every day those are the people I respect the most by the way Julie Benz

is a bitch I respect that more than anything the trolls who get attention I'm like you're doing this for the attention now exactly

it's the trolls and nobody's watching I'm like you you aren't you have a bone to pick you hate Modern Family I hate those sailing bags she wears. My little taste of Newport where she went to high school. Who cares?

I think Modern Family gets a little bit of a knock because it's like a family sitcom. Yeah. You know, it's a half hour sitcom. It was on cable. And so people like don't respect it. You forget. It's fucking funny. It's so good.

Particularly compared to like the emmy nominees these days for comedy like that's well the bear that's got more laughs in a in one commercial break than it does it does the bear being comedy is just so it's such an archaic like it's 30 minutes loophole and it's a dumb yeah it's crazy to me it's like it offends me yeah it's the only thing i'm finally offended by something it's like we're all just me. Yeah. It's not, I mean, I'm finally offended by something. It's like, we're all just agreeing to call this a comedy.

Yeah. So that it can be nominated for, you know, so we can be in the category or whatever the fuck reason they do it. Like, crazy. I was an early adapter of like,

I don't really like this show. And I was very much in the minority. And now it feels like the tide's turned a bit. And now I really feel bad because I love the cast. Yeah, they're so good. I just don't and now I really feel bad because I love the cast. Yeah, they're so good. I just don't really like the show.

I love the cast. I think we still are very much the minority though. You don't like it either. I don't like it. I like season one and two a lot. I said I don't know if I would have finished season three

if I wasn't already invested. Yeah. It lost me. People did not like that. Season three, there was a bit of a tide turning. In what regard? Just people finally being like, it's not.

Did the show change? I didn't watch season 2. Yeah, there's just not a lot of plot in season 3. Well, you do need plots and television. Let me tell you, that's an important part. It's more like artistic. So you're watching Modern Family, and what else is on the show? Well, we were watching The Bear, which I refuse to call a comedy.

We were watching House of the Dragon, and then I gave up. I was like, I'm over it. I'm done. I'm done with it right now. Don't get restarted. Oh, okay. I thought I was going to be like... Oh, I didn't know.

I gave up halfway through season one on that one. I'm like, towards the end of Game of Thrones, we started an after show podcast. I was very much into that. I never read the books, but as far as TV goes. And then season one of House of the Dragon, I thought, if you really watch it, it's it's spectacular yeah and then beginning of season two i was like okay all right we're

kind of getting there and then halfway through i was like fuck we're not getting there and then towards the end and then like the final did you finish it no i just wasn't invested it was the season two finale uh finale was the worst finale in the history of television. It was like it ended and I legit thought that I like sat on the remote and fast forward or something. I was like, no, wait, no, that's the worst. That can't be the end. Like the credits are rolling. Like, wait, what?

So it was absolutely horrendous. I feel good in my decision to stop watching. There's nothing better. I think you said this the other week. Like, it's one thing to be right about a show and be like, I like that first. And I other week like it's one thing to be right about a show and be like i i like that first and i told you it's even better to be right on getting out of a show like i didn't waste 18 hours i was talking about yeah there's a reason i just shoehorned i bailed season one like what you guys know i was left early um yeah that is uh there's there's

there's something satisfying of like, you thought that was good. Bad Monkey is good. Is that the Vince Vaughn one? That's the show? Vintage Vince. Really? Okay. Vince being charming, talking fast, being funny, charismatic.

Okay. And then there's a little fun little murder mystery. It's not quite like Knives Out kind of deal, but there's a murder they're trying to solve. What's it called? Bad Monkey, Apple TV. Everything good's on Apple to solve. What's it called? Bad Monkey. Apple TV. Everything good's on Apple these days. I've said the ones that get hot.

Presumed Innocent was fire. I haven't seen it either yet. Presumed Innocent, Bad Monkey, and Slow Horses are all gas. Okay. I think Slow Horses comes out soon for. Presumed Innocent. Episode seven of the first season of Presumed Innocent is. Great.

Unbelievable. Gyllenhaal's first show ever so you okay is it first TV show yeah first TV show not even like or as a lead or like never

I read it as ever but I don't yeah he definitely could have like coming up but I don't know he was yeah everyone's got

an appearance on there but he was like a baby doing shows I mean movies it wasn't he in fucking like Red October Sky

like he's young in those I don't know if he ever had to do a tv show good for jank let's be nice did you watch uh what's the the matt damon one out right now that's very boston-y that was the gators oh i haven't seen it you could they should have had like i want to listen to the girl as a to come on extra for that or whatever did uh your stand-up um so like i didn't know you were stand-up first does that piss you off that people no i definitely doesn't piss me off i like why would you know i don't post it on social as much yeah um because i don't do a ton of crowd work so i don't want to burn material by putting it on the internet right um but that's why i'm excited i'm releasing my special and i think that'll be the first time that people who have been following me

for a while get to like if you haven't come to see me in a show you get to actually see my stand up and I'm excited because I do

I think if you like what you see on social you're gonna like it's the same person it's the same POV it's the same thought kind of process I love doing it

a lot so I'm excited that like more people are gonna finally get to see it and know I do it how long did it take you how long did it take me for the special in total no yeah like is this is it your first special like is it like so this is like a culmination of all your best i feel like people's first special is like you know these are things that i was working on when

i was like 15 and i had as a kid like i mean my closer in this hour is a joke that i wrote in my it's like the second joke i ever wrote that's great and it just like ended up being good it's probably the reason i did comedy because i was like that's a good joke and then i wrote a lot of really bad jokes but that's it's like it's like starting a show because like you have a good title or something like that you know what i mean exactly all it takes is one thing to kick you off yeah like when you do your first special you are you're building an hour so like as you start to go on the road that's like can you do 30 minutes you're like i think so and you're like stretching to get to 30 and then you're at 45 and then you know you get to your

hour and then i was doing an hour for a while before i recorded this so there was like you know some shaping and some calling but there is a lot of like these are the best jokes that i have that i want to memorialize and now as I'm working on my second hour, it's a completely different experience where like, I'll write a joke. I'm like, that's funny. It has nothing to do with this hour.

So I'll do it at like some random shows, but I'm not going to do it on tour. And that is like the best feeling. That's, that makes me feel like pretty darn cool. Yeah. But would you call standup a hobby? I hope not.

Not anymore. No, it's definitely, I mean, it's something I love to do, but it's definitely i mean it's something i loved you but it's definitely my job we were debating about uh there was like a fake list that went around the internet the other day about the hobbies that women find least attractive in men is stand-up like number one no oh i would think it would be it was um it was video games were number one oh interesting it

was a whole list designed to piss off guys. Video games. Okay. But then we kind of started talking about like, what is a hobby? Because if you, you know, if you turn it into like a very literal definition of the word, it's like,

yeah, you have to like play the guitar or something like that. But, and if you get paid for it, obviously it becomes your profession, but it's also like what you like to do in your, yeah. I'm a big believer in hobbies.

I feel like millennials kind of killed hobbies because they were like if you're not making money or getting famous off of it it's not worth your time yeah but i i actually think the millennials in a sense killed hobbies because they made them their profession right they created a side hustle yes i mean that's like yeah that's exactly what happened with me and it's like i would still be doing it for fun probably but i now just have to do it for work yeah yeah but it's so it's still a hobby in my mind for sure i did say it like when i first quit my job and started doing comedy full-time i was like well i guess i gotta find a hobby now because i like need something to do outside of work an outlet yeah so what do you do um i've started drawing how lame is that so no

that's but that i think is, people would call it a hobby. Yeah. I draw, I do art. No one's ever going to see it. Are you good? No. But are you like, are you okay? I'm like, I'm fine.

Like, it's not like, it doesn't look like a kindergartner did it, but it certainly doesn't look like. But can you like put shadows and shit in your picture? Like, no. Okay. No. Okay. It's honestly, I do it because it's

for whatever reason it's the only time that my brain like kind of stops its internal monologue of morgan freeman right but um i just like zone out it's wild so that's like my new i did i i had a coloring phase uh coloring book no no i meant i meant drawing i i subconsciously said uh coloring but the uh i had a phase i'm a child inside so i said coloring right around the pandemic where i was like i guess i'll take up some drawing yeah and i probably did it for like two weeks yeah but then it was one of those things where i think because i started drawing because i bought drawing stuff on amazon then they knew to feed me drawing stuff and i saw a drawing on instagram of a guy putting he outlined everything and then he drew orange over everything colored it all orange and

then started coloring over that and i was like well how the fuck am i supposed to know that i'm never gonna be anything i don't know though you gotta paint the whole page orange first what would you say is the most the least attractive hobby a guy can have the least attractive hobby a guy can have i mean that's a good question i'm not i'm not against video games i guess it depends on the video game um i i've gotten into mario it's so fun i never thought i'd be playing video games and i like literally i'll be i'll come home from the damn big do you want to play mario kart that is a television is a big thing if you can play video games with your girl or guy and it doesn't end up it's also like you don't play enough that like you ruin it

for the other person it's like hey i play this with my girls or i play with my guys and now you're encroaching on it. If you can find a way and you can coexist doing video games, that's a whole other level of like relationship nirvana. It's so much easier that way. I will say, I don't think it's the most unattractive hobby a guy can have, but I find fantasy football so annoying

because it's just so time consuming that I'm like, come on, there's better uses of this energy. But I don't know a guy who doesn't do it. And all my favorite guys do it. Right around now is that trend of guys sending the letter to their girlfriends being like, I'm submitting my two weeks. I would agree with you on that.

It's so much work. I don't know if it's my friends. I've done maybe two seasons in my whole life. And I was like 15 or whatever. It's a job. maybe two seasons in my whole life and I was like you know 15 or whatever it's a job it doesn't have to be the problem is people do make it like a job and then if I want it to just be a hobby

I'm the asshole I'm the one ruining the league I'm not paying attention I get it but it's like well I'm not going to do this you're not trying hard enough as the fantasy GM you hear that a lot. I'm like, it's mythical.

It's a fantasy. How is this ruining your time? I fucking pick my team. I put them out every week. Yeah, leave me the fuck alone on it. So fantasy sports. Yeah, people are going to hate you for that one. Yeah, I know.

Fantasy guys. But no, that is so obvious, though. That's warranted. I have friends who I assume play fantasy, but it's not their whole life. It's not their whole life. You can play fantasy, and that's fine. Sure. And then it gets to another level.

Well, dude, come on. There's other things. Or I'm watching. I'm rooting for my team with fellow fans, and then they start caring about other guys or almost rooting against your team. I'm like, well, wait a fucking minute. I've had those issues in the gambling cave where people I'm rooting for, we're rooting for the Patriots, but I wouldn't hate if the Lions got a touchdown here.

I don't want them to score. I want them zero points. Zero points. They're the bad guys. Are you a sports fan? Yeah, sort of. Which way did you go? New England or New York? Well, New York. they're the bad guys do you are you a sports fan uh yeah sort of which way did you go i go england or new york uh well new york that's because my dad was so like i actively again i'm

gonna get a lot of hate for this i actively don't like football but like i like i really like hockey wait what do you mean you actively don't like it like you go out of your way to like it makes me angry when i'm watching it i'm like spreading the word like no football the game stops every five seconds nothing Nothing's happening. You can't see their faces. I like to get the expressions, you know? So I am very actively like, I mean, listen, I like, I watch Super Bowl. I like commercials.

I like football food a lot. I'll eat a buffalo wing any day of the week. Did Taylor get you into it at all? You know, no. The Taylor effect? It didn't. I just, and I like Taylor Swift a lot, but not enough to like football. I just really don't like watching football. I find it mind numbing. Cause I'll even like, I like Taylor Swift a lot, but not enough to like football. I just really don't like watching football.

I find it mind-numbing. I like baseball. I went to two baseball games last week. I know I'm a sports girl. I mean, talk about nothing happens, though. But compared to football, something happens. I swear to God. This is a hill I'll die on.

You're not totally wrong. I'm not the right person to ask because I have a longstanding belief that Tom Brady and the New England Patriots ruined the sport of football. Whoa. They were too good. Oh, insane. Everything now is so boring to watch. I used to tell him, as a Jets fan, I was like, we don't watch the same game.

We're not watching the same. Yeah, that's very true. The sport is different. We don't move. The football does not move. You get to watch it fly all over the place. It was two decades of, like, insane stuff. And now you're like, oh, okay.

We run the ball at the middle three times and we punt it? That's not that exciting. Welcome to the game. Yeah, I mean, I think baseball and football are both very similar when you break down the actual minutes of action. So it's kind of a tie. I think baseball has more je ne sais quoi to it. Nostalgia.

Yeah, it really is like stop go stop go stop go stop go i don't know i i like other than football i will watch any sport and enjoy it i don't like follow many like intensely are you impressed with basketball players oh i'm also not i don't love basketball okay so you don't really like sports yeah so two of the four major sports out yeah jackie a theory that basketball players are just big. Which also I think has... They're just big and they're not talented. Okay, I wouldn't go that far.

That's all I said. I said I think that they score too much. It's the opposite problem. The sport is too easy for them. It's kind of like Tom Brady. What are we doing if we're all this good. That's a fair point. But I think Jackie has some argument there.

But I think it's like you don't realize that it's not that easy. Because they're so good at it. I get it. I'm still getting hate for this thing. I don't want to put you in that spot again. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I'm not anti-basketball. I'll watch it. Got it. Got it. It not my like vendetta against football football is when it's one of those things where and i do like football i don't i don't love it as much as some people but i like i like watching football but if you do focus in on how much it's stopping yeah and how little stuff is happening yeah it's all like i i've started this is a couple years ago but i i follow liverpool i don't i'm not a diehard fan i'm kind of yeah like you how you say you watch sports where i'm like yeah i like them yeah i'm not i'm not getting up at 6

a.m to watch them right but if they're on at 11 i'll watch them and i've i've kind of flipped yeah in like because i we used to say nothing happens in soccer yeah and i i can see everything happening in soccer and like now i I can see everything happening in soccer. And now I start to see how much, like nothing is happening in football. Yeah. Where,

I guess I'm becoming European. Yeah. I hate you. I don't know, my husband's an avid Premier League fan, so I've gotten into that. And that, it's fun to watch,

even though like, it's not high scoring, like, they're moving, they're shaking. I went to a game, and that was where it kind of changed for me. It's so fun. Oh, I can see the whole field.

I can see everything happening. And also, when they get hit, it fucking looks like it hurts. It's not a pat on the head. It doesn't translate to TV. I was like, Mo Salah just fell nine feet on his head. And we're like, oh, stop being a pussy. I think what's crazy about football is football is low scoring too they just they just change the numbers seven points for one score if home runs

were worth 10 yeah you know the score would be 90 to 80 and instead it's like nine to eight it's just but it works people they scored 55 points they scored six and kicked a couple all right well good stuff so um so you got the special is out September 25th on YouTube on YouTube yeah okay

and all of your characters and all of your internet stuff are you on YouTube on that I feel like it's mostly working on it

yeah yeah YouTube's a fucking bitch growing the YouTube it's a grind man yeah it really is but all the others

you know what are the Boston references I want to see if I still know it oh well definitely the pats tom brady they didn't cheat that's a big one um and the celtics of course uh sam adams dung and donuts rotaries i think sam adams the beer not sam adams the beer yeah not the not the uh or did you mean sammy adams yeah my brain went to the founding father. Don't worry, you went to college.

I didn't. You know who I heard a lot of in college? Sammy Adams. Sammy Adams would be a good addition to the character. I'm not going to tell you to do your job. Boston boy. He's coming in now. If you were around singing Sam Adams, it would probably be... Maddie Trump!

Boston boy. Oh my God. Great stuff. All right. Well, thank you. We appreciate it. Well, thank you guys. This was so fun.

Thank you so much and we appreciate it