KFC Radio - Dr Phil, Chad Daniels, Kmarko, and Why Would You Wash a Bathing Suit

Episode Date: April 25, 2019

Dr Phil (1:28:05) stops by to talk about his new podcast, the Gypsy Rose murder case, getting blown out 100-6 in college, and launching Bhad Bhabie's career. Kmarko pops on for a session of The Office talking about Howard Hughes, clothing sizes, and why April is the worst month. Chad Daniels (1:57:41) comes by to talk about his plan to punch his kids in the face, the Las Vegas of Asia and his new hip. Voicemails include: when do you wash a bathing suit, threesome with the bride & groom, and losing your oral virginity.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

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on all the different medications you need. Getroman.com slash KFC. This is the greatest show. We're the light it up. We won't come down. And the sun can't stop us now. Watching it come to and take it over you. Oh, this is the greatest show. Monster episode on deck. Can I tell you who's on the program? Me.

John Feidelberg. Keith Markovich. Dr. Phil. Don't know what his last name is. Dr. Phil Keith Markovich Dr. Phil Don't know what his last name is Dr. Phil First name Dr. Last name Phil Phil's

Phil means with an M Yeah? Couldn't even tell you Mush chick No, you're thinking of Phil Mushnick He's a New York Post writer Sure Dr. Phil's last name is

McGraw McGraw You weren't far off Dr. McGraw is on the program As well as Chad Daniels, up and coming. I don't want to say up and coming because he's been in the game for a while, but he's about to pop. Chad Daniels is a comedian who's

doing a lot of funny work talking about his kids. So a very podfather-esque type of vibe. So a couple interviews. We're going to do the office with a surprise guest, Keith, because he just has crushed the surprise. Yeah. Surprise!

Surprise! It's Keith! And, you know, every time his topics on the office are big fire, so we were like, come in and do it. So we'll see if he's still got the KC Radio chops. He hasn't been on in a minute. Duke Rask?

Good. Confirmed good. How much do you care about the Bruins winning versus how much you care about being right about Tukarac? The Bruins winning is paramount. Obviously, Tukarac has to play well for them to win. But that's... A lot of times, I will

get more invested in a player. There is definitely... But last night, it wasn't. There were the occasional times where I'd glance up and be like, oh, 22 saves already. Not bad. Too good. But it wasn't. You were in the building for game seven.

Another game seven for Boston that goes well. Yesterday was so perfect, man. Yesterday was just like a perfect Boston day for me. Where it was get to train. Got there there, got into Boston at like 6, grab a quick beer, into the arena to watch Super Bowl champion Julian Edelman be like the flag bearer for the Bruins that day. Did he chug a beer and smash or something like that? Did I see that?

He did that later in the game. It was just, there's something about Boston, and maybe it's probably. All right, Where's Keith? And that's the podcast. It's probably it's because I'm, you know, I'm sure I have a slanted view of it, but I just feel like it doesn't happen in other cities. We're like last

game last night. So this is about to be obnoxious. Edelman, Edelman was the flag wave. Awesome, right? People go crazy. He actually, he got a little boned on the camera angle because he had an arm like this and like people couldn't really see who it was and then finally they changed it was like ah and then um but then so like games going on and in between you know whistles or whatnot they go to the Patriots box and it's Edelman it's Gostkowski it's Patrick Chung it's edelman it's gaskowski it's patrick chung it's like a bunch of the patriots in the

box edelman just pounds of beer like like like from up stone cold style yeah straight up straight arm ones slams it crowd goes nuts right bruins score a goal or two next period they're doing the celtics intro and like like what the sellers would do during a game where it's like you know Jalen Brown like all right Boston we need you and like K word like we feed off this energy and I was kind of confused I was like oh did they put because they play in the same arena I was like did they use the wrong video here shit this is very awkward and then it cut to the Celtics box where it was like the whole fucking team and they're going nuts.

And then it just zooms in on Brad Stevens and a button down the sweater. Everyone else was at like Bruins jerseys and shit like that. And people started screaming again. And I think part of, I think Boston has that like real brotherhood between franchises. Maybe it's because there isn't like, like you just go, there are only like three isn't, like, you just go, there are only, like, three clubs.

So, like, when the athletes go out, they bump into the other athletes. Or maybe it's because. They all do embrace it. I'll tell you why. They're all fucking winning. They're all good, right? That's what I was saying last night. I was saying, it's like, if your team sucks, like, if you're on the 0-16 Browns,

you don't want to be seen at the Cavaliers game. They're not going to put you on the Jumbo Town at the Cavaliers game because they don't know if you're going to get the crowd and vice versa it's like i don't want to go to this game these guys suck right you know what i mean like there's no reason for any crossover to exist i think when everyone's good i mean i mean i'll tell you what and this is fine because they're professional athletes all of those guys are bandwagon fans right Right, of course. You move to a city or you sign with a city. I think J.D. Martinez was wearing Celtics gear, or was it Patriots? I guess it was Patriots for the Super Bowl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just got here. You didn't give a fuck about the Patriots, but it's just like, let's do this. I'm in Boston for the rest of my career. I'm just going to be beloved. It's a great move, but very few of them probably actually like are a real fan of the team

i think i think it's one of those things where like you get like jaylen might be you know like about hockey but he came to a hockey town plays the same arena as a hockey team yeah but that's what i mean like you just jump on board with it right right right yeah yeah yeah no time which is totally fine i'm just saying that there's not, you know, it's not like these guys are, like, all from Boston or all, like, like the team prior. I mean, what a club to, like, be a part of. Like, the Boston Athletes Club is just like, yeah, man, I'll pop on your jersey. You pop on mine. I'll see you at the club.

We'll smash the same hose. Like, whatever. Life is good. Sometimes, like, athletes will wear, like, their own jersey in that team's colors or that team's jersey. Like, Edelman was wearing Pasta's jersey last night. How about Pasta chirping Justin Bieber? That was awesome too. Not today, Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber's probably never

been to a sporting event in his whole life where they didn't even acknowledge him. He was there? He was there last night. And then he put it on the Tron? No one in the arena knew. They should've because you would've booed him. They didn't put him on Jumbo Tron. Didn't put him on Nessun. I bet he asked for that or something. You don't think they would just do that?

I don't think so. I think they're just like, fuck that. We need a Leafs fan here for it. But I think he would get booed and it would be awesome. I saw a video of him last night. I guess he wasn't even in a Leafs uniform. So if he's just there in a sweatshirt, it's probably like... Is that clip of Drake that was not real?

Or not current? He's in the box. He's holding up the Maple Leafs jersey. I know he's a Toronto fan. I saw that a couple days ago. If he was in the building, the curse is sober. That motherfucker, Kyle Van Noy,

he tweeted out a picture of him and I quote tweeted it saying, I'm going to send Drake Patriots and Yankees jerseys. Kyle Van Noy wrote back, nah, he's got a closet full of Jets gear. Fuck you, Kyle Vannoy, you son of a bitch. I don't know where he was, where Drake was last night. Maybe he was at the Raptors game.

Because there was a tweet from a media reporter that said, as Drake left the arena, he just said to the media you need to ask me about the curse y'all good and so like i mean it's funny but it was in boston and no one even told me that like i found out about bieber much later good on him for like you know leaning into it a little bit embracing it because it is obviously a very silly thing but at the same time it it's so fucking real. And I know it's obviously superstition, but that's got to suck.

I would, I would not want to, I would not want that. I mean, I am that I have that, I have that mush, but if I was a high profile person and it was like, I don't know. Shout out to the Mets podcast that,

that's also cursed. I mean, as soon as I started that, Jacob DeGrom, this and that, they started losing. Like I think, it's not on iTunes. Oh, it soon as they started that, Jacob deGrom, this and that, they started losing. Like, I think... It's not on iTunes?

No, it's not on iTunes. Don't, like, do not get me started on that. I will lose my goddamn mind. You know, like, he's on top of the world, but the storyline around Drake right now is, like, not his new music, or not this or that. It's that he's a sports curse.

Yeah, that's true. There's certain things in this world that are, like, equalizers. You know, it's just like, yeah or that, it's that he's a sports curse. Yeah, that's true. There's certain things in this world that are like equalizers. You know, it's just like, yeah, whatever, man. You're worth like a billion dollars and you're a superstar. But if we go to the game together, people are going to boo you and like me or whatever. You know what I mean?

It's silly, but I would rather just not have that stank on me. Yeah, you can just not wear uniforms. Yeah, just stop, dude. Pretty easy. Stop. It's kind of what I do. What's even funnier about him and why it's even more pathetic is that he, like, is a bandwagon fan. Like, he's trying to pick winners.

Remember how vague he was about McGregor or Mayweather? I'm here for my boy. And, like, you know, the best man's going to win and all that kind of shit. So he wants to be a part of winners. And he never is. I mean, Toronto's different. You know, he best man's going to win and all that kind of shit. So he wants to be a part of winners, and he never is. I mean, Toronto's different. You know, he's from Toronto. But everyone else, he's like, I'll pick Kentucky basketball.

I'll pick, you know, who was the other one? He had, like, a big-time favorite that he was wearing, and it was like. He did some Bama football, maybe. Was it Bama? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so. It's just like, I mean, every time there's a picture of him that comes out afterwards and they said, oh, we should have known from the beginning. That is, when you're trying to be a bandwagon fan and you can't,

then you start to think the curse is real. In your heart of hearts, do you believe that Drake has an honest moment? Like, maybe now, maybe after this one, or the next one that's maybe not Toronto. Do you think he says to himself, like, I can't believe it happened again. Yeah, probably. Yeah, definitely. The thing that sucks, too, is that when you're doing the bandwagon jumping and whatnot,

when the curse finally breaks, no one really cares. There was the Bieber curse forever. Yep. And people were trying to tell it to me. But that also happened, like, a couple times, right? Like, drinks at, like, 12. I think it happens a lot with any artist because they send him jerseys

and he goes. Not only that, I do think they get a bad rep to an extent because it's like, oh, Drake was in this jersey. It's like, well, yeah, he was doing a concert at that college. Right. And you can find a picture of them at any college, right? Or any arena. You're playing to your audience. Right. He's like, yeah, I'll show up in that. But he also will like go to

the games or right that's why i think he's a little he's a little more but like bieber was i think him and the patriots were like on the same late night show or something like that and they were just kind of fucking around backstage like oh no bieber curse is on now and i was like i was like shut up it's annoying the patriots don't tell me about the fucking bieber curse you see him get trolled on on instagram what's up did you see bie Bieber getting trolled on Instagram? No. He posted the Maple Leafs logo on Instagram. And this guy just wrote, go Jets. And Bieber replied, fuck the Jets.

And then another comment, go Jets. And Bieber replied, fuck you and the Jets. Third comment, go Jets. Same guy every time. Bieber replies, bro, I'm going to block you. Thank you, Justin Bieber. He's in the comments with chiseler, C-H-C-L-A. And all this guy just keeps saying is go Jets.

I mean, he's probably sitting at home like, I got Bieber in the crosshairs. Like the thought of Biebs, he's got like Haley on one side, the preacher on the other. He's probably got like some doctors and accountants and everyone was like, your life is spiraling out of control and he's just sitting there like, not now! Chisel's talking shit about the Maple Leafs. I'm going to block you, bro. I'm going to block you. The Maple Leafs, look,

I gave a little message to the people of Toronto last night. This is so disrespectful. And I stand by it, you know? Win three games is pretty good. It's really close to four. Three out of four is... Most of the times you win three games in a series, It's really close to four. Three out of four is... Most of the times you win three games in a series, you'll win that series.

Right. I bet it's like 80% of the time, 90% of the time, you win three games, you win the series. That's pretty good. The problem is... They have a lot of young... Someone else won four. I mean, yeah, the Boston Bruins keep winning four.

I get it. It's really stressful. It's annoying. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry. You got a good team. Be proud of them. Seven games in the first round is... yeah the Boston Bruins keep winning for I get it it's really stressful it's annoying I don't know what to tell you I'm sorry you gotta you know you got a good team be proud of them

seven games in the first round is I mean I feel like Bruins and Leafs have been playing for like a month hockey is like

you get the relief where like you're like yeah sorry we won you're like oh no let's do it again and that's probably gonna go seven too

like game one's tomorrow how many how many times has there ever been someone who's gone 7-7-7-7? Every seven. What's that? Has anybody ever gone 7 in every series? When they won the cup, they went pretty close. I think it was 7 against Montreal. You're playing like, you know, an extra 30 fucking games.

I think they swept Philly, so it was 4. I think it was 7 against Montreal, 4 against Philly, seven against Tampa, seven against Vancouver. I mean, that is a whole extra season. Yeah. Nothing. It's a grump. I don't know why the hockey playoffs feel like more of a grind. But maybe because, like.

They start first, usually, compared to the NBA. And then they just roll all the way through June. Are the Bruins the favorite now? The Bruins are now officially the favorite. They were tied with Vegas. They were both 6-1. Vegas got eliminated last night. The Bruins are now...

Shout out to... The odds are now in favor of Boston winning three straight championships. Why? Oh, Red Sox. I thought you meant the Celtics. I mean, the Celtics could pull off a miracle. Yeah. The Boston sweep is very much in play, folks.

I don't think the Celtics are, but I think the Bruins are in a four. I think the Bruins will win. I think the Bruins have. Again, I've been told for a long time that, first of all, Tampa was scared to play Boston, you fucking pussies. You fucking Tampa Bay loser pussies. I can finally say it. You couldn't even show up to the series, let alone come to Boston.

You couldn't even show up to the series. But also I've heard from the get-go, from people in the fucking locker room and in the know in Boston media who said that this team is the most tight-knit real team that they've seen and they feel very much like the Boston Red Sox last year. It's what people have been saying all season. I wouldn't mind if the Bruins win. I don't care about that. But it does just bring overall happiness to the people I don't like.

You know what I mean? I don't want the Celtics to win. I don't want the Patriots to win. I'm happy when the Red Sox win, and I don't like. You know what I mean? I mean, look. I don't want the Celtics to win. I don't want the Patriots to win. I want, I'm happy when the Red Sox win and I don't care about the Bruins. But when it all comes together, it's like, all right, well, this is obnoxious. It's early.

But if I, if I mean, let's be honest here. If I get a Tukaraz candidate at Price Championship in the same year, I am going to become a sophomore. I mean, that's it. You are. Yeah, I was going to say, you are. You will never stop.

I'm like, I'm going to just start calling myself the Kingmaker. I will tell that's it. You are. Yeah, I was going to say you are. You will never stop. I'm like, I'm going to start calling myself the kingmaker. I will tell you this much. The amount of here's a good hypothetical for you. The amount of money that will be generated from a Barstool Sports Grand Slam oriented T-shirt will put a lot of money in my pocket for a bonus at the end of the year like just everybody you know what i mean there's the company will make so much money it will be good for everybody how much money would it take for you to be okay with a boston grand slam but here's the thing like it's not even like your teams aren't losing like there's john shut the fuck up like it's not like we're beating yours well i mean if that if that were to happen get involved with the dance

i would leave you in the corner by yourself. If that was to be the case, if the Red Sox were beating the Mets and the Celtics were beating the Knicks, I mean, I would kill myself. The fact that the Patriots are out of the way already, that's the only one that I would root, that's the one I root hardest against.

That's already done. When you were Celtics Warriors and there wasn't a Grand Slam and there was no money, I would root for the Celtics because that's a great upset. I'd be fine with it. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't because I'm Dave. You know what sucks

is the Bruins are going to go to the Islanders too. I'm half a fan of that so it'll kind of be involved. That would be bad. I would need a lot of cash for that. Bruins caps, if the Caps win tonight, obviously this is being recorded on Wednesday,

then that could be a very good East Conference. I think the Bruins are going to roll Columbus. I think Columbus, they played playoff hockey for a week. I mean, the clock is going to strike me. It's just one of those things where I feel like if you ask anyone at Columbus, they want to play again tomorrow. Like after they swept the table. We got this thing going.

To just scrimmage each other for a week and a half, two weeks. That's not good. That was the worst case scenario for them. Absolutely. This goes seven, you go four. And no one in the Bruins gets hurt. The Bruins are actually getting healthier as we go. Like Sean Crowley came back.

I mean, that's not ideal for rooting against Boston. I'm trying to think of the number, but if I'm being realistic, it's actually not that much because I need cash. Like if you guys had never won a championship and then all of a sudden you're about to win four, maybe my numbers would change. But it's like this is just sand to the beach. So give me like five grand.

I could use like $5,000 right now. That would be like very helpful. So if you could just wire money to my lawyer directly, five grand, you can have the Grand Slam. It's sand to the beach. But talking about how it was like a perfect Boston day from, you know, just getting into the city when it was nice and having a beer, going to the game, watching my other team's party, and then, like, showing up to the airport this morning. And, like, at the airport, they just have the banners. And it's just like, in line at TSA, you know, this is why we do it.

It's a great picture. This is why we grind. It's a great picture you painted. It's really nice. This is why we're up. It's a great picture. This is why we grind. It's a great picture you painted. This is why we're up at 6 a.m. at the airport. It's really nice. Getting back to work. We do it for the banners, baby. I fucking hate your guts.

I'm going to tell you about my experience last night. Mine was probably more entertaining than yours. It wasn't, but it was probably pretty entertaining. It might have been. It might have been. Avengers Endgame review was brought to you by Postmates. I'm thinking about Postmates should let you, they should deliver movie snacks. I have a feeling they do.

Yeah? I bet. You think I can Postmates, like, you know, AMC popcorn to my apartment? Oh, you can do that. Wouldn't that be cool? You can get plenty of candy. Yeah, you definitely can get candy. But I would love, like, if I could get, if you could get Postmates to show up with a

bucket of popcorn and, like, the box a bunch of crunch, because everything's, like, movie sized and movie box. It's, like, very different. If you can get that, next time you're doing that. If you live in the town with the one blockbuster remaining, I bet you can do it. Yeah. You said that's just a blockbuster. Yes, they do.

Yes, they do. No, but yeah, next time you're about to watch a movie, postmates to the grocery store. Get yourself some of that Pop Secret popcorn. Get yourself. My move is the Bunch O' Crunch. I like the chocolate with the popcorn. Or maybe if you're John, you get some Sour Patch Kids. Get yourself a big gallon of soda.

Make movie night. I went to the airport this morning get yourself a big gallon of soda. Make movie night. I did the airport this morning. Got a big thing of Haribo gummy bears. Everyone's getting breakfast sandwiches and parfaits and fruit snacks. I'm not a fruit snack. Fruit bowls. I said I'll take the fruit snacks. You can do that.

You can get your gummy bears delivered. See, that's the best part about Postmates is it's bringing everything to you. So if you maybe don't want to go to the theaters, but you want to watch a movie, well, now you can turn it into a whole movie night by getting the right snacks delivered to you. You can do dinner, lunch, breakfast, booze, diapers, soap, everything else, bleach, detergent, all the stuff that I get all the time delivered right to me. Somebody, what was the name? Somebody got a Postmates name that was very

like ominous shit i can't remember what it was but they were like i think i'm about to cancel my order i don't want this guy showing up it was like your postmate voldemort's on the way it was something that was like uh they'll deliver it to you within the hour guaranteed there's 25 000 partner merchants you can get absolutely anything you need delivered. Go download the Postmates app. Use the promo code KFC at checkout. You get $100 of free delivery for your first seven days. Free delivery charges up to $100 when you use the promo code KFC. So last night was our advanced screening of The Avengers. Thank you very much.

Nice little flex. You know, it's funny. You're talking to some girls. What are you doing tonight? I'm just going to the movies. What are you seeing? Oh, The Avengers You know, it's funny. You're talking to some girls. What are you doing tonight? I'm just going to the movies. What are you seeing? Oh, The Avengers. Oh, that's out? No. No, it's not. Not for you.

That was one of the hardships of having to go to Game 7. I sent the tweet right after we won Game 6. You still won't be able to know. I was like, I would have spoiled it for you. I would have, but I. I was like, I would have spoiled it for you. I would have, but I wanted you to know. I could have.

I could have spoiled it for you. Well, I'll say this. You didn't get to go and neither did Bob Fox, but you won game seven. Bob Fox got to stare at Carter Cruz's tits and met T-Pain for a surprise fucking... How about that? They were supposed to...

Punk was supposed to perform All I Do Is Win, and Paul Gosinski goes over and says, you guys can't do All I Do Is Win tonight. And they're like, and says, you guys can't do All I Win, All I Do Is Win tonight. And they're like, why? He's like, because T-Pain's going to do it. Because the fucking guy who made the song is going to do it. Unreal. Most of what T-Pain's going to do is T-Pain wants to do it.

Wants to do it, yeah. Like, T-Pain's like, can I do All I Do Is Win? They should have played with him. That would have been dope. They just played the song and he just came out and did it, which is cool. But if they played the music around it'd be dope so uh avengers end game three hours and it's this you know super exclusive or like super you know important advanced screening so we get there like an hour and a half early for no good reason jeff d lowe was like i got there

early and i was like oh okay oh my god let's go right now it was like 4 30 i was like, I have to get there early. And I was like, oh, okay. Oh, my God. Let's go right now. It was like 4.30. I was like, well, I'm done at work. Let's just go there. And we sat in a movie theater for, we went 90 minutes early. We sat in a movie theater for like 70 minutes early by the time we got there. It took 20 minutes to get there, and we walked right the fuck in. Wait, I'm sorry. Can I interrupt this with a real quick story about my flight this morning?

Yeah. About being early. So I get to my flight. I had an 8 o'clock flight. I'm there my flight. I had an 8 o'clock flight. I'm there plenty early. I'm on the plane in my seat at 736, I think. And the captain comes on and says, hey, guys, got some good news. Got permission from the tower to take off a little early.

So we're going to push off now. You didn't do that? The flight was half empty. I was like, dude. People aren't here yet. No one's here. We left. I mean, they must have known that everybody who bought a flight was on board.

You can't do that. I can't imagine the Boston to New York morning flight is ever half empty. It's not like some random flight to some random town. People do that shot all the time. Yeah, people come over to meetings and shit. Imagine if you just showed up and someone was like, oh, no, we let them go already. Imagine you show up to your 8 o'clock flight at 745 and they're like, no, it's gone already. Yeah, because even like –

What are you talking about? Look at my ticket. I go to the bar when I'm at the airport and I definitely won't go. I'll go at like 745. Yeah. If I usually – I'm just coming to work, so I didn't go to the bar. I got fruit snacks instead. But yeah, 90% of the time, I'm at the closest bar.

I would have been drinking. This morning, I would have been drinking. I actually didn't really drink that much last night, so I didn't have the need to keep it going. If I woke up... Hungover, you'd for sure be drinking. I wanted to be drinking last night. We got to start doing these screenings in the places that serve booze.

Come on, step it up. Screening people. We get there, and they're like, are you part of the press? I was like, kind of. They were like, we're going to let you have your phone. I was like, oh, okay, okay. They were taking people's phones, and then, like, it was very funny. They were like, if you take your phone out, like, we're going to leave them for you because you're working.

But, like, if you take your phone out, you're out. And I was like, shit. Okay. When we walk in there, everybody, all I see is blue screens. What the fuck is going on here? So the movie was, was fire. I'm not going to spoil anything, but there was one moment. I mean, I can, I mean, we know that he snapped, right?

So we know like half of everybody disappeared. And in this one, there's two people having a conversation. And it's like a therapy almost. They're talking through it. And they're like, yeah, I miss my wife. I miss my kids. I miss the Mets, man. And I was like, no!

Bullshit! Unrealistic! If Thanos snapped and the Mets disappeared, I'd be like, thank God. If the Avengers were trying to undo that, I'd be fighting on Thanos' side. I'd be like, no, keep the stones. Imagine that. I always talk about, I want my teams to relocate because then I would have an out. If they just disappeared because of a cosmic terrorist, I would be so grateful. Half of all your friends are gone too, but you're like, well, bright side. I'll take that

imagine that see you later I don't have to look at fucking oh my god who do I really want off the planet right now if I don't have to look at Jason Vargas anymore I'll give up four how many people are on the planet eight billion I'll give up four billion

people if one of them is Jason Vargas that's my new level of hate I want you Thanos eradicated bro 8 billion? I'll give it 4 billion people if one of them is Jason Vargas. That's my new level of hate. I want you Thanos eradicated, bro. So, movie was awesome. It's three hours and five minutes. You're not sitting there like, oh my god, I can't believe this movie is still going, though.

And really, when you think about it, it's just a five hour movie when you combine those two. That's just like, I mean, it's exactly the same. It was originally going to be called part one and part two. It's a five-hour movie when you combine those two yeah that's just like i mean it's exactly the same it was originally going to be called part one part one and part two and they just it's a five-hour epic um but there was this person behind us that was crazy right this guy you i mean you you heard it right of course okay because i kept looking at you guys and you guys that clement uh you you guys were all like dialed in on the movie.

So I wasn't sure if you could notice, but there was this guy behind us who was just like snoring. Like, he wasn't asleep. He was breathing. And then on the way out, I realized he was like disabled. Like at first I thought it was just an

enormous fat person and i was like at first i was annoyed and then i was like this is kind of funny like this is of all of course like i'm in the one fucking screening where there's something like to talk about on the podcast basically i was like this is gonna be great material uh when i left and i saw that he was like like really disabled i was like oh shit i was that no that's the only way i could get through it i just assumed assumed that the whole time. I was like, somebody would have said, if this was somebody just snoring, somebody would have said something. It was just breathing weird and at first I thought he was asleep.

I was like, someone's snoring. Someone fell asleep in the Avengers screening. And then I just realized it was how he breathes. But there were moments in this movie, I mean, there are crying moments in this comic book movie, which is wild in and of itself. There are some seriously, and especially if you're a Jeff D. Lowe or something, those guys I think were weeping, you know?

And it was like, okay, let me fully set the scene. Me and Brennan are sitting on the two seats at the end. And this woman comes up and she's like, is that available? Is that available? There's like all like, you know, just individual seats. And she's like looking. She's like, I'm pregnant. I was like i was like oh we'll just like move over you can have the aisle seat that woman i was like yo she's pretty pregnant i was like you are an avengers fan huh because she was like i gotta be on the aisle i'm gonna pee she was gonna sit in the middle and she was like i'm gonna have to pee a couple times it's three and a half hours

so i was like you can just have the aisle but i was like you are a diehard she was like I had to see how this shit ends she was sobbing at one point she was like full-blown tears so there's a really a couple really heartfelt moments and I'm listening to people like and then I just hear I mean it just ruined the moment for me it enhanced the moment I was like this is so fucking funny like this is the most important part of the most important me it enhanced the moment i was like this is so fucking funny like this is the most important part of the most important movie of like the century and there's someone just snorting on our asses right now i couldn't believe it and then there was one guy in front of us who kept doing the turnarounds you know you just i love i love but it was dark and like i don't even know i i i did a half around because I just wanted to see the situation.

I wasn't trying to be like, stop. I wanted to be like, louder. Let's see how many people we can piss off here. He was doing a turn, a huff and puff. I was like, well, now you're breathing weird, dude. Now you're all assholes. It was quite the movie-ruining experience. I couldn't believe it.

I would have to leave because I think it would have affected. It's like when you used to go visit colleges, and if it was was raining and you'd be like, well, I can't go. This school sucks. That place sucks, yeah. Like it rains here. Yeah, it would ruin the movie. I could never possibly go there. Yeah, I mean I will forever associate Endgame with – Yeah.

It would just be – it would be – yeah, I'd have to leave. I'm sorry, but I'm out of here. It was – I got to experience this perfectly. Yeah. I mean, it was a good enough movie that someone chortling on us did not ruin it. I will say my official review is a little bit too funny, which sounds – that's like one of those, like, I try too hard. I'm a perfectionist.

It was funny, but it was almost too funny. It's like this is supposed to be like a epic battle i thought that was with uh captain marvel too i was like oh i just hated captain marvel front to back we're getting a little jokey yeah this was very i think end game is coming at the perfect time where i'm i'm about out on comics well i mean it's only gonna i think it's only like starting, which is crazy. Just the Marvel version of it. Yeah. I'm very formulaic. I'll always like superheroes. I've always liked superheroes.

I probably always will. But I think I've just become kind of exhausted by the formula. Yeah. Oh, it's so formulaic. This was particularly, there's, you know, one of the Avengers is basically a comedy act the entire time. And not the fucking rabbit. I actually didn't really like Guardians of the Galaxy. I know that's one of the highest rated ones.

I did like that one. I was like, eh, I don't care for this. Yeah. You can have your three or four tension-easing moments. When I'm at an action movie, I want to do an action movie. I know what you mean. it's like the comedic relief this is just like and now there's a comedy scene like we're stopping

the battle and the fight right now like you're gonna laugh and it is funny it's well done but I'm like yeah that's not really like what I'm here for but uh overall pretty good it's awesome but it is funny watching like the Avengers people like But overall, pretty good. It's awesome.

But it is funny watching the Avengers people. The fact that people were crying is pretty funny. It was heartfelt. But I imagine if you're one of the comic nerds that you were sobbing. And that's a funny thought. I think they were beyond comic. It wasn't based on comedy. It wasn't based on comic books. Correct't based on, like, a comic book. Correct.

It was like, these are just human moments. But, I mean, you're so invested in them that, like, you're... I mean, I choked back. So did I. I mean, yeah, there are... I didn't, like, let the waterworks go, but I was, like... I do, like, I blink, like, 50,000 times for it to dry up the tears, you know, like, swallow the tears in your eyeballs. I was, like, I'm just blinking.

I'm just blinking over here. No big deal. I'm just fucking blinking. And then I need to, like, wipe my eye, but then people see that you're wiping your eyes, you know, like swallow the tears in your eyeballs. I'm just blinking. I'm just blinking over here. No big deal. I'm just fucking blinking. And then I need to like wipe my eye, but then people see that you're wiping your eyes. You know? But if you were, you know, Bob Fox is going to weep. He's going to feel like, you know, it's him in the middle of it. I'm probably going to weep, though.

I'm weeping. Yeah, you'll definitely cry. But the thought of like people crying at comic book movies now is just a funny thing. I mean, it's, you know, you'll laugh, you'll definitely cry. But the thought of people crying at comic book movies now is just a funny thing. I mean, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cheer. They were cheering. Cheering, weird. You ever cheered at a movie? I cheered at Miracle.

That's pretty acceptable, I suppose. What did you do? I mean, we did it intentionally. Me and a bunch of my friends. To be funny? We were high school hockey players. Yeah. We were like, yeah!

Have you ever done it just like you're overcome with emotion? You're a kid. Yeah, I mean, that's weird, right? Someone last night pops on screen for the first time or in an important moment, and people were like, yeah! I'm like, that's a bit much. When I saw Independence Day 2. I thought you were going to say Independence Day.

And I was like, all right, well, you were like nine years old, bro. No, no, no. Independence Day 2 came out like two years ago. Independence Day 2, yeah. When they send an African warlord into space to fight aliens in a wife beater with two machetes. I stood up and cheered. I was like, this is awesome! Bravo!

More cinematic greatness. He just gets on a plane, on a spaceship, in a fucking black beater with two machetes over his back. This is the best fucking movie ever. Yeah. Alright, you want to do The Office? Anything else on The Avengers? Not me. Alright.

The Office is brought to you by Kendra Scott. Mother's Day is May 12th. Kendra Scott is a jewelry company that the girls have been working with for a long time now. And they said, you know who else we got to get on board with? The number one feminist podcast on the internet. Makes sense. KFC Radio. We got, you know, else we got to get on board with? The number one feminist podcast on the internet. Makes sense. KFC Radio. We got, you know, 50% of our audience is girls.

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rings, everything. I actually had Rhea pick out the two gifts that I got this year. So I had Rhea pick out their most popular earrings and I had her pick out a nice necklace as well. They also, if you are a big baller, they have some fine jewelry that's like $1,500. Speaking of big baller, they have some fine jewelry that's

like $1,500. Speaking of big baller. Oh, what up, Keith? Keith is in the building! But they got stuff from $50, $75, $100, but if you got that cake, if you're breaded up, you can get yourself some high quality stuff at Kendra Scott as well.

You can shop online, free shipping, free returns, and right now, 20% off when you use the promo code KENDRICK. I got one that's very cool. Yeah, it is cool. I almost don't want to tell people what it is. Yeah, because you want it to be unique. I don't want them to get it, but I got one that's... Why don't you tell the people?

I forget what it's called. I can get it up exactly what it is. But it's got kind of like, almost looks like rope okay necklace um let me see if i can they got full price fashion jewelry uh and you get 20 off when you go to kendra scott.com k-e-n-d-r-a scott.com and that's for mother's day and you got to think about you know your mother but you also got grandmothers. You got aunts who are mothers. You got friends who might be mothers. I'm going to get Keith's mother something.

It's called the Laney Y necklace. There you go. In gold. You and Polly Fights can be walking around town killing it. That is cool. You think Polly's going to like it? I think Polly's going to be like, you bitch, you got me a Mother's Day gift. You think Polly's going to like it? I think Polly's going to be like, you bitch, you got me a Mother's Day gift.

You little pussy. All right. Keith Markovich is here. What's up? He, by popular demand. We're doing topics? Yeah. So every time we do The Office, everybody gives good topics, but you always give the

one that we end up really diving into. Started with, now, Glennyny balls was the civil war. I got to give it to Glenny. That one was great. You did a Cuban missile crisis. We did Maslow's, uh, hierarchy of needs.

There was one before that. Yeah, there was one good one before that, but every time you've been money good. So, uh, it's whatever I'm reading about the night before. Yeah.

I read some. Oh, you have a ton of topics. No, this is one topic. It's just the little notes that I want to forget. Okay. It's one topic with the,

like the most interesting point. He always comes from really prepared because I have a It's just the little notes that I want to forget. Okay. It's one topic with the eight most interesting points. He always comes really prepared. Because I have a lot in my head and I don't want to forget it when the bright lights are on. Oh, yeah. Now it's time to perform, baby. Anybody can just podcast in the shower sitting at their desk alone when the bright lights are on and you're in front of the mic. It's a different story. What was the first one? The first one was really good.

Oh, was it? It caught you guys off guard. Fuck. I'll think of it. What do we got today? Let's see. First one. Keith, you can pick the numbers. You're usually pretty good at picking the numbers. What do they go through?

One through what? Eight. Seven. Terrible choice. Who picks seven? Okay, this one's from Nate. He wants to know the Industrial Revolution and how it's still small, medium, large, just like the sizes we wear in clothes. Okay.

So not much has changed. Are those two separate topics? No, that's the same. I actually asked how— I don't think those really have anything to do with each other. Well, I guess, I mean, I asked him to expand on it a little bit because— I know when he finished saying it, I know he said that's a terrible topic. So he didn't seem too confident.

Well, it's— I'm going to drop the Industrial Revolution part. I guess what he said is the first time we mass-produced clothing. But I think what he was trying to say is sizes haven't changed, but I believe they have. Like a large is... What I find frustrating is that a large

isn't a large everywhere. Yeah, we definitely need universal sizing. I don't think we should be done with universal sizing. It should be, like, done with stuff that, like, a tailored – like, what's your arm length? You need to know what that is. I think it's kind of – the fact that, you know, you know your shoe size, you know your pants waist.

Like, why don't we just know the rest of it? You know what I mean? Like, I'm always – yeah, am I a medium? Am I large? I don't know what shirt. I buy clothes in multiple sizes because I don't know what i am yeah but if you just knew my arm length is like 30 whatever my inseam is this my chest is that you can just get close to fit but you're just not i'm never gonna remember those numbers the problem is is when one company makes a different size like american apparel is a big problem with

this like i love their plain shirts but each one is a different each large fits differently like they don't have a like an automated system it's like a large fits differently yeah like i have to like i have a bunch of larges they fit but then i'll order some more larges and they're way too big in a different color in the medium like sometimes sometimes same exact shirt i have like four of the same charcoal gray shirts and they each fit a little bit differently that's crazy one of them has one of them has a little bleach stain on it and i know that's the one that fits perfectly unfortunately so i wear that one all the time i i got i feel like that a theory i get like pants from theory and it's like yeah i have this in gray and they're just they're the same size but they're just totally different sizes what the fuck's going on

i could use quarter sizes like i know it's tough for production but the barstool shirts are the main problem because all the shirts fit the same but it's me personally I'm in between the medium and large like the large is it looks a little big on me the medium is too tight that's what we need to do you want to talk about revolution we should have like medium plus

large plus or whatever and you just offer instead of three you offer like five or six and that's probably a bitch to do but I think it would like be worth it I can see that how many people say like oh I put on some weight so now I'm stuck in between shirts or whatever like

if you could just do that I have a feeling like Walker's listening to this like screaming at the heavens like you motherfuckers I'm just gonna double your work bro no big deal if everybody could just order you know in between sizes. You know what else pisses me off?

When you go to a website and you click on the shirt and it says there's a model and it gives you the model stats. The models are like 6'3", 150. What the fuck size is that? I don't know what to do there. How are you 6'3", 150? What does that even mean? That's when I get like rag and bone jeans. It is comical when they first come, like when I first get them.

Because like I have to get like a really big waist to get it like. Around your fat body. Yeah, to encase this sausage and then but then it fucking it i mean it honestly god there's another half a leg just hanging on the ground yeah you gotta get tailored yeah right yeah because rag and bones like clearly this person is if they're this wide they must be 12 feet tall it's like if i had them on right now, it would go to that black wire, at least. It just looks like I have these two. It looks like I'm wearing flippers.

That's because they're, like, fancy and shit, and they want, like, skinny hipsters wearing it. That's what I tried to do with the premium line, where it was, like, I wanted to be the model on the site so that it would say, six foot, like 195 and not not muscular at all. If you look like that, this is how it's going to fit because these models are fucking models. I don't need the stats of the person.

Perfect. You know, we hired that girl from Rag and Bone. Which one? One of the new girls downstairs. I was interviewing with her and she works at Rag and Bone. Can we get that hook up? I dropped probably seven or eight to borderline unprofessional. How many times I hinted like, I'm going to tell Erica that you were great.

Can I get some dark wash? I need a light wash. And we hired her and I'm waiting. I'm still waiting. I think, I think Rag and Bone is one of those companies where it's a lifelong discount. We should go talk to her. She said it was like 80, 80%. Hook it up, girl.

The, uh, okay. Next number. Uh, girl. Next number. Three. Three comes courtesy of Daniel Big Cat. April is the worst month weather-wise. I mean, it's been a fucking nightmare as far as, I mean, when we went to that Mets game, it was 30 in the morning and 65 at night.

That was hard to dress for. That's exactly what he said. He said it's unpredictable. He said that it is... He offered strong arguments. He said it's still winter occasionally, so you never know what dress to even focus on. And he said,

this is one that hits home with me, as a bigger guy, got a couple extra pounds on you, while it is winter sometimes, you will still also get summer sometimes a t-shirt weather while you're in the in the i was not prepared for this yeah at all i am hot and this is disgusting and i look awful the i don't think you can call it the worst though because you're still gonna get like five days that are just perfect like today's gonna be

i feel like march was a little worse. Like I feel like April's evened out a bit. Like the winter jacket is officially gone right now. Like we're in between, you know, 58 and 70, which is tough. But March, there were a few days where it was nice and then it dropped down to the 30s. So if the winter coat is a possibility, then it's a horrible month.

Okay. And I like spring jackets. So I like when it's a little bit cold so I get to rock my jacket. Last year we completely missed spring jacket season. I was so fucking pissed. Dude, spring jacket and fall jacket season are disappearing. I force them into the summer. I'll be sweating walking to work just so I can wear my jacket.

I was wearing a fucking leather jacket the other day. It was like 72. I was like, I'm wearing this jacket. It was a lot of money, goddammit. I'm never going to be able to wear this. I mean, I get what he's saying. It's an inconvenient month. But if you compare that to just like the bitter shittiness of February.

No, love it. I love winter. I love winter. No way. I'd move to the fucking North Pole if I could. That's crazy. I actually, too, I don't really agree with the. You just like being fat.

I just, I, whenever it turns one time. What'd you say? No reaction there. What did I do? I said you like being fat. I do like being fat i i just i whenever it's whenever it's one time would you say no reaction there i said you like being fat i do like being fat yeah well it just hurts but whatever uh the i i i commit fully i don't i don't ever waver when you're like oh the winter jacket's still a possibility no the first time i i'm like okay this is not winter season i i like i'll wear summer clothes if it's freezing doesn't matter i'll wear if i decide it's winter jacket weather in october because like it was cold one day you'll be sweating and then there's like another day where it's 80 i'm like nope i decided your stubbornness translates to the weather the hardest thing about the hardest thing about right now is trying to judge the temperature from your bedroom when you're getting dressed.

Because, I mean, you're not going back upstairs once you go outside. No way. So you like crack the window open. That breeze doesn't really translate. Then by the time you leave and I walk to work. So in that 15 minute walk, the weather changes rapidly. Like 10 degrees. Degrees are rising.

Yeah. So I may need a jacket for that walk. Halfway through the walk, I no longer need the jacket. So I have to take it off. Nothing worse. I'm like an asshole. Walking with a with a jacket i'm stuck with the jacket all day because the walk home time i don't need it it's just it's hard to do that i i will be uncomfortable i will i would never take my jacket off on a walk i would never check the weather before i leave the house i don't do any of these things i feel like like i'll walk out i'll walk outside in, like, a sweatshirt and be like, ah, it's fucking pouring rain and go back in my apartment and just stay in the hallway while I wait for an Uber.

Spectacularly stupid. The first time I feel what the weather is is the moment I step out my front door. I don't check an app. I don't, like, I don't even really look out the window. It's just, like, I'm going to get dressed in whatever the fuck I feel like getting dressed in today. You know what else is the problem? He doesn't come to work until like noon, so he doesn't worry about that morning. If there are times I'm up in like the 5 o'clock hour, it's going to change like 29 degrees.

It's crazy. The thing that works best is I look at what the people on the street are wearing. Oh, you look out the window? Yeah. Whatever they're wearing, I kind of assume. Although, I feel like I've been seeing a lot of winter jackets still floating around. People are in their Canada Goose ones. I'm like, what the fuck's going on here?

It's 60. Walking to get lunch in a t-shirt. Walked by a bunch of Canada Gooses. What are we doing here, folks? Those are people that committed. They were like, I paid $1,000 for this jacket. I'm going to wear this shit. They're staying with.

They're committing to their winter all the way through. That's crazy. What's your topic, bud? My topic, my fascination right now is spent the past two days reading only about this and watching movies only about this. Howard Hughes. Okay. What do you know about Howard Hughes?

That's fascinating. Fascinating character. The aviator, right? Yes, the aviator, yes. Leo, he went crazy, right? He lost his mind. He became crazy. He just had an overall fascinating life.

Hit me. Tell me why. I mean, he started Vegas. He founded Las Vegas. Yes. The town. The city. The city.

He changed the culture of Las Vegas to become more like gentlemen. Like Vegas as you know now is because of Howard Hughes. Like not dirty, mobby Las Vegas. So when did that happen? 70s? Oh, wow, mobby Las Vegas. So when did that happen? 70s? Oh, wow. He moved in. Yeah, he moved into Vegas.

So what he did is he did not want to pay taxes. He fucking hated taxes. So he never really kept a permanent residence. He would move from hotel to hotel. He stayed in this one hotel. The Army Yager does that. He stayed in this one hotel too long. He doesn't pay taxes.

I don't know if this one was in Vegas or in LA, but he stayed in one hotel so long that they went to kick him out, so he bought the hotel. I know that in Vegas— How did he make his money? His father had a very successful tool company, and then he started building airplanes and stuff, made a ton of money from sales. He sold two airplane companies and made like $500 million. He ended up at like $1.6 billion in money back then, which translates into a shitload now.

Holy moly. 1.6 billion in money back then, which translates into a shitload now. But when he was in Vegas, he was staying way too long, and he bought the place next to his hotel because they had an annoying neon sign that was bothering him. So he bought it just so he could take the sign down. What's the bigger flex? If someone was like, sir, you have to leave, and like, why? Because you're no longer welcome here?

Okay, well, I own it, so now I'm welcome. Or, I'm just buying this whole thing to get rid of a sign. I think the satisfaction of looking whoever's in your face, trying to kick you out, being like, I'm the captain now, is better than even just knocking it down for the sign. I don't know. Is Crazy Rich Agent the true story?

That's similar to that, yeah. That's what happens in it. We won't let the Asian people stay. We're just going to buy it real quick. That's like Kramer, though, having the neon sign. And when the chicken place moves in, and Kramer vows to put the chicken place out of business. Yeah, Kenny Rogers chicken.

So he was crazy. You know him for being crazy. He became very eccentric in his older years. He had wild OCD. He had a plane crash that almost killed him, so he got hooked on pills. So he was on opioids and codeine. Fun fact, while he was in the hospital recovering,

he invented the modern hospital bed because his was so uncomfortable but that's that he has this guy just anything that bothers him he just buys and changes so he has wild ocd when he was a kid his mother would keep him in the house sheltered and he would like spell out the word quarantine to like that's how he would calm himself down is spell quarantine, which you probably can't spell, John. Q-U-A-R-A. Wait. Q-U-A-R-A-N-T-I-N-E. Ah. Is that right? Yeah, I think so.

Oh. Is that right? So his activity would be ride his bike in circles in his own driveway. He eventually invented a motorized bike at age 12, I think. And he would just have this motorized bike and go in circles in his driveway his entire childhood. All right. I think I'm out on Howard Hughes now. Now he's like an overachiever.

So what he would do, so one of his fun facts. He would eat the same meal every dinner. I mean, every dinner he would eat the same meal. He would have a strip steak medium rare, a dinner salad, and peas, but only the small peas. And he would organize the peas by size on his plate, push the big ones away, and only eat the small ones. Is that why

he ended up going crazy? This crippling OCD type shit? It got worse and worse, especially with the pills. So then his like... Getting hooked on pills back in the day. Getting hooked on pills now. Now it's an epidemic. Everybody does it.

Back then, you were special. You were one of a kind. Even those pills, I feel like the pills now, they'll kill you. But I feel like even back then, it was like, what pills are you hooked on?

The medicine doctor gave me. What did the doctor give you? It's crack cocaine. It's fucking heroin. You're giving me the real deal shit here. His craziest moment was, he's having a breakdown. He went to the theater next door, closed the theater down. For four months, he stayed in the theater room with the door locked.

His servants had to speak to him in a certain way, couldn't look at him. He was naked the whole time. He ate, because they think he had alodia, which is like pain from things that don't cause pain. So he wouldn't clip his fingernails or toenails because it would cause him pain. He wouldn't wear clothes because it would cause him pain. So he sat naked watching movies for four months, eating only chocolate bars, pecans, pecans,

pecans, and drinking milk. He only drank milk and he would piss in all the empty milk bottles and line them up for four months. After four months he left. He did not leave for four months. When he finally left. After four months, he did not leave for four months. And he came out obviously like looking disgusting. He would, since he couldn't cut his toenails,

he would put Kleenex in between his toes because his wife, he was married briefly. They didn't live in the same house ever. They had several refrigerators. That's another story. But he would, the click clacking of his toenails on the floor bothered her so much. He would put Kleenex in between his toenails. This eventually moved to just Kleenex boxes.

He would walk around with Kleenex boxes. The old Kevin. He would block off his hotel rooms, like seal them in. Like when you're like, uh, raiding bugs in the house, he would like just seal the room off so no germs could get in. Oh my God. That's as crazy as it was. Did he really put a cheeseburger in a tree or something like that?

Oh, I don't know that one. I'm seeing this. I don't know if this is real, though. But it says, Ask the Beverly Hills Hotel to hide roast beef sandwiches in trees so he could collect them in the middle of the night. I don't know if that's like an urban legend. That's when you do rich rich

and you just need to come up with ways. Like, I need a roast beef sandwich scavenger hunt at night. Go to this hotel. I mean. Yeah, that dude, he haunted a person. No, he's definitely killed. If you got to go hunt for roast beef sandwiches, you haunted a person. He's killed and he's eaten.

I think he's had human flesh before. I got one more crazy story and one fun fact. Crazy story is when he was living in one of his hotels, he became obsessed with Baskin-Robbins banana nut ice cream. Baskin-Robbins discontinued the flavor. He went crazy about it. He needed it. So he had they told him that they would manufacture

it, but it had to be a 350 gallon industrial drum. Like that's the lowest order they could place. So his assistants and everyone were going crazy trying to get him to make it. By the time they made it and got it and delivered it to his hotel, he was over it. He was on to French vanilla. He was on to French vanilla.

So people in Vegas got free banana nut ice cream because they would just give it out to everyone for probably years, I guess. 350 gallons. Oh, wait. I don't care about that. Can you imagine being the assistants and shit? If I had that kind of money, I would get so enthralled with being like,

I must like, if I can actually make a little criticism right now, five guys, their burgers have changed a little bit. I don't know what it is, but if I had a ton of money, I'd get to the bottom of it. Guess what we're having for lunch now. And done. And you will notice. And I would be like.

Whatever you're doing... I'll hire three new people. Your job, go figure out what's different about the burgers, come back to me. Like, fine, guys. Whatever margin you're saving because you changed the meat, I'll make up the difference. Go back to the old way. Six months later, they come back. Sir, we got it. But who the fuck are you guys? You hired us for burgers.

I don't remember that. Alright, what happened? Turns out they're using a cheeseburger. I don't remember that. All right. What happened? Turns out they're using cheddar cheese now. All right. I would use my money to be a hero like that. I would find those things that everybody agrees on. You know what I mean?

I'm trying to think of an example where there's stuff like that. Like, oh, they changed their sauce or they changed whatever. I would campaign and pay enough money to bring those things back, and I would be a national hero. There is a sauce at McDonald's, isn't there? The special sauce? Not the dipping sauce. The dipping sauce. Yeah. It's called special sauce.

Right, and they got rid of it or it's not around all the time and be like, make it happen. Give the people what they want. Imagine you were the guy who and granted these God-fearing homosexual haters seem pretty set in their ways but if you were the guy who just like Chick-fil-A is open on Sundays. Yeah, right. Exactly like that. You could run for president.

Right, right. You'd be like, yeah, I open Chick-fil-A. And I would do you know what I would do with all my money? I would be known I would be the TV Resurrector. Your show gets canceled because of ratings, come to the KFC network, I'll air it. Well, that's called Netflix.

No, no, no, no. You would take canceled shows and make them work. Yeah. That's what Netflix does. No, not all the time. They've done it. You, a lot of Netflix's major shows were just canceled shows. Shows that every other network said no to. Like what? It was different. That's the difference.

You're talking about like Flash Forward. Like Flash Forward. Netflix isn't remaking Flash Forward. Take the people, even if they don't want to, enslave them in a studio

and force them to. Yeah, it's like, I may be the only one, but all you guys, you're acting here because I'll give you a billion in episodes. By the way,

while we're talking about TV, we were talking about how the Game of Thrones actors are kind of underpaid, really. A lot of people were not impressed with the numbers. $500,000 an episode for the main guys.

$175,000 for the secondary people. While the big bang guy gets like $10 million or whatever. Do you know how much this episode costs? Episode 3? No. Just this episode of Game of Thrones. How much do you think it costs? The one coming up?

Yes. The big battle? It's one episode. $600 million. Well, that's insanity, Jon. You've ruined the story. You are all over the map. 600 million?

I mean, it was 93. I don't answer these questions because I don't know the numbers. I don't know a number that I would guess. That would mean if it was a blockbuster movie, it would flop because it costs more. Like Avengers. It probably costs maybe like two max, right?

Like a hundred something. Ruined my goddamn score. 93 million? 93 million. They can't pay you any more money because they spent it all on this one episode. I feel like they have so much money because they did so much brand synergy.

Thrones has the sneakers. That shit with Sesame Street. Everywhere. Did the fucking Oreos. They partnered with a million brands. How much could you not have to give to Jon's fucking snow? Prioritize your budget here. I think they were smart where almost like what they did with the characters,

they did with the actors where early on it's lopped off some heads. That's it. We don't give a fuck about you. They established it, yeah. We'll bring in a dude who looks absolutely nothing like you and say he's the same person. Yep. The mountain, you want to be out? Fine.

We'll get this dude on steroids. Doesn't matter. You want the second swordsman, whatever you are? You think you're important because you got long, pretty hair? Fuck you. Replaced. We just got a guy with a five o'clock shadow. Looks nothing like you.

Same name, everything. Same storyline. We'll ant-viv all you motherfuckers. Don't give a shit. I'm not even going to try and pretend it's the same person. No, we're not getting your stunt double. We're just getting a guy off the street. And everyone's like, you can't hang with me.

You'll fall in line real quick. Fuck it. 50 bucks an episode. I've got one final Howard Hughes fact. Just to educate you guys. Leave it on this. Did you know that it is thought, very strongly thought, that Howard Hughes basically caused Watergate?

How so? You know what Watergate is? Yeah. Go on. So he did business dealings with nixon so the guy that was going to be uh competing or running against him uh hubert humphrey through the dnc chair larry o'brien released all this misinformation that they knew a ton about the hughes and nixon connection and they were going to blow it up they didn't know shit but they were just spreading this misinformation so nixon

got nervous and they think that in the in the office that they broke into there were records of his dealings with hughes that were like bribes and stuff that would have looked bad and they think that the like eight minutes of missing tapes or whatever and the tapes that were turned over were cut out they surmise that that had to do with howard hughes that's why it's missing and he was so powerful that he had that all removed so they didn't actually know, but they broke in seemingly to check out what kind of information they had on the Hughes and Nixon dealings.

Interesting. That's the educated, you guys. That's the tea. That's the tea. Howard Hughes tea. That was wildly educating. That's what I'm here for. I like to educate people.

Tell the people, you know? Preach the good word. The problem here now is you've set the bar quite high for yourself. That's fine. I got unlimited material. Yeah, I feel like you zero in on these things and you, you know, like you said, you're reading about it, you're watching everything about it. Oh, I have my addictive personality

for everything. Knowledge is now part of that. I'm addicted to knowledge. What an asshole thing to say. I do my work. I go home. I try and do a blog or two. I watch some TV, relax, and then an hour before bedtime, I'll try and read something that'll make me a little bit smarter.

Something that I can share with you guys. You do knowledge. I do TV. I do knowledge. So I'll have something next time you come and ask. I'll have something even better. Okay. Alright, buddy. It's Mr. Smarty Pants over ask. I'll have something even better. Okay. All right, buddy. It's Mr. Smarty Pants over here. We're going to talk about dicks and pooping and stuff like that. John said he would be a professional ass wiper.

All right. I'm going to hit you with this. You didn't see this, did you? We put out a clip. I don't know if you saw this already. I vaguely remember seeing John tweet about it, but no. So the story, like, I'm going to be your, you're going to be my ass wiper. 24-7, you're on call.

I call you up. You have to come and wipe my butt. How much money for you to do that forever? 24, I call you up at 3 in the morning. I just took a shit. You got to come wipe my ass. How much? 750 million.

John said $60,000. $60,000. I don't know. He was like, you know, I keep my same income. This is just supplementary. That's pretty nice. I could use that. It's forever.

It never ends. I mean, I wouldn't even enjoy them. I don't think I would take it. It'd be ass-wiping money. I'd never enjoy the money. John, 60K. Look, first of all, I've come around on this a lot. I think I'm right because I said you have to be my neighbor. I said

I'm not traveling in long distance to wipe your ass. That's crazy. I'm so curious to hear how you justify $60,000. Okay. It's about 15 minutes a week probably of work. Not even. What? It's probably five minutes of work a week. Okay. And by the way, nurses do this all the time and don't make $60,000.

And they do a lot of stuff. That's different. That's different. They're taking care of saving lives. This is just one person that owns you. If you're just one. So I'm a fucking disabled dude in a bed with a fucking stomachache. I'm like, that's saving my life.

Nurses do a lot on top of wiping asses, and they don't make $60,000 a day. I'm just going to walk over to my neighbor's house and wipe his ass fucking once every other day, and I get 60 grand. Why do you think he shits so little? Yeah, John also doesn't understand that. John shits once a week.

I shit like four times a day. So you're one of those ones, huh? One of those. Humans. One of those ones. One of those healthy humans. So like three times a day, huh? Who the fuck's pooping?

I think four is it. I only got pooped since Saturday. Look at how skinny I am. Look how fat you are. That was mean. That was mean. 60 grand. Also, very funny that came out of that.

Somebody tweeted us. It was a true Lucille Bluth moment. The minimum wage thing was wild. You thought $60,000 was minimum wage? I meant like entry level. I guess we're still about double on that. Entry level finance jobs would be like $50,000 or $60,000. So I was like, yeah, it's like a first job.

And then that kind of just became minimum wage. But I also didn't know that minimum wage is $15,000. That's not enough money to live. That's not worth a job. $7 an hour over the course of a year translates to $15,000. $7 an hour is still minimum wage? They just raised it to $15,000. Oh, did they?

So whatever I looked up must have had like an old or whatever. In New York. In other states, it's like $7.50. That's crazy. But I guess it's all, you know. It's not a livable wage. It's crazy. $15 and then taxes?

Yeah. It's ridiculous. I mean, that's free. It's $0. That's insane. $0. Whoa. Remember in Always Sunny when they go to the slave store?

Yeah. Like where people have welfare and it's basically – I don't even know what – it's basically like you get these people to work for you and they – the tax write's off that you don't have to pay them. So they're always like, let's go to the slave store. I mean it's basically what you're doing if you're just hiring someone at minimum wage. I mean Dave left $15,000 in Minnesota, right? He left a minimum wage person's entire year's worth of work.

Because he just didn't want to go back. I would actually... Here's a question for you. And I genuinely mean this. Would you rather be homeless with all the free time in the world? Or would you rather flip burgers and have a job but for $15,000? I think I'd rather be homeless. I think I could make more money panhandling.

I bet you probably could. A hustler homeless person is better than a $7 an hour minimum wage person. I'd rather make minimum wage. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, $15, it's like you can't live on either of them. It's either $0 or like $0 and a little bit more. At least you have money.

You can stretch it and make it work until you get something better. How can you live anywhere? I bet you I could seriously panhandle more than 15 grand seven dollars in an hour i'll figure that out i'll find you seven dollars an hour i'll get like someone to give me a 20 and i beg art i'm good for like three hours i can chill till noon nobody can live on minimum wage except i guess john as an ass wiper would be happy to do it. All right. Good work. Let's get into these voicemails brought to you by Dollar Shave Club. I mean, Dollar Shave Club took over the world and they're still going strong. You never have to go to the store.

They were the OG. Don't go to the store anymore. We'll just deliver exactly what you need. They were the first ones to do it. So not only am I appreciative that they give me my razors and my shaving cream and my lotions and my soap and everything that you need to groom yourself and stay fresh, but they also invented the idea of let's never go to the fucking store again. How about everything you need just gets delivered right to you? That is the kind of world that I'm down with. And they created that. They're pioneers and trailblazers.

So shout out to them right now. They've got the oral care kit, which has dollar shave clubs, toothpaste and toothbrushes, and they'll get automatically sent to you. Your mouth's going to feel fresh and look fresh when you're smooching. People are going to enjoy it. You got good breath.

They're going to like you. You're not going to be the guy with stinky breath. You got to get this. I, by the way, at the Bruins game last night, it was a lot. You know, sometimes you'll go to an event and it'll be like, there's a lot of Barstool fans here. Last night was one.

90% of you sons of bitches had terrible breath. Everyone's trying to take selfies and stuff. I'm like, God damn, man. Yeah, you get real close to them. Everybody. Get a fucking piece of gum. Get something in here. Get your Dollar Shave Club toothpaste, man. Get your Dollar Shave Club toothpaste, man.

Get anything. It's $5 and you won't get fucking embarrassed by Fidelberg on the podcast. It was crazy. I mean, everybody, think about it. If you took a selfie with Fidelberg last night, you got bad breath. You probably had bad breath. Let it sink in and get yourself a Dollar Shave Club oral care kit. Right now, they have the handsome discount.

So, John will be paying full price. You go to dollarshaveclub.com slash KFC. I'm having a good day, man. I'm fucking moving on to the second round. $5 for all the starter sets. dollarshaveclub.com slash KFC. Hello. I have a question about bathing suits,

and I would really like Brendan to weigh on this also because I feel like he's the most mature out of the three of you. Fuck you. I went on a date with a guy who said he only owns one bathing suit because you don't really need to wash them because you're going in the water and then they dry and they're clean. I asked the bartender to weigh in and he pretty much agreed. As a girl, I think this is disgusting. So I need to know, are these two people just weird or do you guys not think you need to wash bathing suits? I got like two.

I certainly don't have like a whole rotation of them. What are we talking about here? Washing bathing suits? I mean, that is. Oh, yeah. I wash my towel too while we're at it. What are you doing? Girls. Girls. What are you doing? Girls, girls, if you're going to worry about that,

if you're going to worry about washing bathing suits, there is no hope for the male and female genders to ever coexist. Do girls wash their bars of soap? This is crazy. Wash my bathing suit. Watch my bathing suit. Watch the bathing suit. Maybe if I go swimming and it's red tide, like I got. Probably not even that.

No, no. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you. Also, I don't wash my bathing suit because I don't have bathing suits. I just, I like, I don't know what happens with them. I think they just disappear. I just, every summer I buy two. Oh, yeah, definitely, definitely. And then I wear them probably five times totally. them. I think they just disappear. Every summer I buy two of them. Oh, yeah, definitely, definitely.

And then I wear them probably five times totally. Absolutely. And then they just disappear. Next season. They are disposable. You get bathing suits for about three or four months, and then you dispose of them. That's it.

I don't even dispose of them. I just don't know where they go. They just disappear. You leave them in a bag or in a shower house or something. They belong to the universe now. I mean, I guess girls is a little different. Why?

Because it's all up in your pussy. Yeah. I mean, it's rubbing against your pussy. If it's like a thong bathing suit. Yeah, that's all up in that ass. I also think girls are a little more fashionable. If I get a pair of board shorts, I pick out the ones that I like,

what they look like. But like girls are fashionable and get board shorts. Whatever, you know, bathing suits, whatever they are. You got a bathing suit going down to your knees, you raggedy bitch.

Yeah. But you're, you're probably, I mean, 2000, summer 2019, vital works. I mean,

a speedo probably run around like fucking Borat. You're welcome. I'm not going to watch that shit either. I also think girls are, they are more like, they'll drop like $150 on a bathing suit because they're like trying to look good or whatever. I think a lot of guys are just like,

I wear this when I go in the ocean, so it's whatever. So, I mean, I have, I have like whatever Barstool puts out that summer. Like, that's it. I don't get those.

They don't give them to me. They ask me about them. They say, do we like these? Do we like these? What would you like to design? I do it. They don't give them to me. I can't even consider putting them in the wash.

I mean, you're hanging on the deck. The elements clean it. That's it. You're in salt water. You're in chlorine. Chlorine washes it for you. You're moving around. You're like in a washing machine.

If you go swimming, you're in a washing machine. Okay? I mean, this is preposterous. The only problem is you constantly pee in your bathing suit, and then it gets that yellow stain. You ever see that? If you have an old pair of bathing suits, like I got. Yeah.

If you like my my my buddy Paul is like a beach bum, you know, and so he has like one pair for years and he's like like his favorite pair right on like the fly. It started to almost get like like yellow, like deodorant almost. Yeah. Just got like discolored. And I was like, Paul, you have you have deodorant almost just got like discolored. And I was like, Paul, you have,

you have to retire those. Like you've been peeing in your, in your bathing suit for like 10 years, dude. And he's like, they're my favorite pair. I'm like, you have to get another pair of them because it has a piece.

Go Howard Hughes, find a guy to find that bathing suit again. And, and, and you know, maybe if that was me, maybe I, maybe I would wash those,

but I dispose of them and then just keep recycling them, so I will pee in them and I will wash them in the ocean. That's what's gonna happen. What's your take on wearing someone else's bathing suit? I don't care about these things. Don't give a shit. I've worn my friend's dad's bathing suit, bitch. Bro.

I'll give a fuck. I'll brush my teeth with your toothbrush. I'll wear your bathing suit. I'll fucking wear your boxers, bro. I'll brush my teeth with your toothbrush. I'll wear your bathing suit. I'll fucking wear your boxers, bro. I'll wipe your ass. How about towels, though? No, fuck off. I mean, Sean's not washing. Are we talking any towels?

I will occasionally wash a towel. Well, you only have two and a half. I actually, if I can brag for for a second recently came into two new towels oh snap someone's got a girlfriend and she's cleaning up his act it was no it was it wasn't even that it was just she was coming to town and i knew i i went to uh jc penny which is still a store who knew uh and grabbed two new towels because I just... I would have paid money to see that. John walks to the

linens aisle or whatever it is and he's just like, this one and this one. Okay, that's good. That was it. I also went in to get two new pillows. Saw what pillows cost.

Didn't get pillows on the walk out was like I'll grab two towels while I'm in here you are you are such a host you know what I hate? towels that are like pillows are crazy but pillows are worth it bro when you think about it

you sleep on the couch all the time my two pillows are a combined stacked on top of each other two inches high. You're sleeping on pillowcases. Those shits have been run over with a fucking truck. Like one of those rolling trucks. You know what I mean?

Like there's – I honestly – one of, I fold into thirds. They're not even like if you take the pillowcase off, they're not like yellow or anything like that. No, they're just thin. They're just shitty. I just beat the fuck out of these things. It's just bam, bam. And then I'll do one into thirds. The other one I double up and try and get my head down quick enough before it unfolds.

Ellie did a podcast saying that a guy's bed is the most important thing. I was like, well, you're going to be disappointed by about 90% of the population. My bed right now has... I wasn't home last night, but I know how I left it. Along the wall, there are two spitters.

On the top right, there is an empty whiskey glass. I don't have a bedside table, so I just kind of used the side of my thing there. Just a big pile of clothes at the bottom. Chips everywhere. Everywhere. And you know, stuck behind the bed, there's a cum racket too.

Your lady is one lucky girl, bro. I mean, I clean it all up before she comes, but I know she's not coming for a while. No, I do. I do. I make it nice for her. Okay. Cleans the chips up? What, do do. I do. I make it nice for her.

Cleaning the chips up? What, do you vacuum? Yeah. All of those sheets come off. New pair of Brooklyn and down. There you go. And, uh, but the, uh, yeah. No, when she's not around, I live in my own filth.

What are you going to do? Girls, I'll give you, you know, the complaining about like washing the sheets. I can understand that. You know, sheets can get pretty gross. sweat all sorts of shit uh i'll you know i don't wash there's levels to this shit you know it's like all right you should wash should wash your your your your sheets your jeans not really way more often than a bathing suit is like not even on the spectrum. I can't believe it. I would go as far to guess.

It's either over on a deck or it's hung like on the bathroom door like by the white part. It's just halfway down the door. By the white part. I would say that not once in the history of humankind has a man put a bathing suit into a washing machine. A girl might do it. They have been washed. I don't think any male has ever done that. I would agree. And any girl who's bothered by that, kick rocks.

Hey, first time, whatever. And so I have a question. I love her. I love this girl. I was going through Instagram and my friend posted that she's going to be a bridesmaid in one of her friend's weddings. The only problem is, is I know that she has fucked a bride. And she's also had a threesome with the soon-to-be bride and soon-to-be groom. And I'm the only one that knows this. I know the groom thinks she's really hot.

And the bride and the friend hooked up for like two years. Am I the only one that thinks this is really weird and she should not be a bridesmaid? I'm also the only one that knows this entire thing is going on. I mean, it's her choice. The bride hooked up. This girl has been invited to be a bridesmaid, right? The bride has had sex with her, and she's also had a threesome with the bride and the groom, right?

Oh, I'm not sure if it was the bride and the groom or if it was just a threesome. We'll play that back because that's what I thought. I think that's important because I feel like. Hey, first time, whatever. And so I have a question. I was scrolling through Instagram and my friend posted that she's going to be a bridesmaid in one of her friends' wedding. The only problem is I know that she has fucked the bride

and she's also had a threesome with the soon-to-be bride and soon-to-be groom. And I'm the only one that knows this. So she's fucked the bride and the groom and the bride and the groom at the same time. Alright. And it's not this girl's wedding.

It's going to be a dope ass wedding. I mean, first of all, can I run with this crew? Can I get an invite? Can I hang out with you guys? Who is it? Fucking Pacey and Joey? This is some Dawson's Creek shit. Everybody's fucked everybody.

I mean, that's an awesome crew. What is that? Great wedding. What movie is it? When Will Ferrell looks back and like, Everybody love everybody. I mean, that's an awesome crew. Great wedding. What movie is it when Will Ferrell looks back and like, everybody love everybody. Yeah. People took that quite literally. Apparently they're doing just that. Take your dicks out. Take your clits out. Let's fuck.

Take your clits out. I mean, it is a little bit weird, but I actually think the threesome makes it all okay. I think if you fuck the bride by yourself, you had like a lesbian tryst. Again,

though, it's what would be weird. I'll give you a weird scenario. The groom invites a groomsman that's fucked the bride. Then that gets weird. The bride can fuck her own bridesmaid. And then if the bride agreed to a three way with her and the husband, then everything's on the table. There's no secrets.

Everybody knows who's fucked because you've all fucked everybody. Because it was all simultaneously. Right. Because you were all there while it happened. I'll tell you what. This girl, she should be the maid of honor. She knows these two more intimately than anybody. How about that?

You stand up for the story and it's like, hi, welcome here. I just want to thank the Smith family for paying for this and the Jones family. You look wonderful. Like I've known Stacy and Justin since the time we fucked. I was, I was sucking his dick while she was eating me out. And that's when I knew that they were the perfect couple. I knew they were made for each other when they both were choking me. While she was spinning in my mouth and he was smacking my face,

I knew these two were going to be forever. This is the perfect bridesmaid. Get out of here. And you, the girl calling? What are you worried about? Who cares? Yeah. Girl calling.

I'll tell you what. You started off the interview real hot. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you. You sound like you're invited to this wedding. It sounds like someone might be a little upset about that. Yeah, guess who's not a bridesmaid. Yeah.

Guess who's not getting boned down by everybody. By everybody and anybody. I do like that, though. First time, whatever. Whatever. I don't give a fuck. Last West Mail is brought to you by Freefly. Everyone's always so concerned with who's fucking who.

Stop being concerned with it. I mean, everybody should fuck everybody, and it's like, you know. Well, I disagree with that. It's just like, you know, have you, hey, oh, you've met that person before? Okay. Oh, you've had that sex with another person before? Okay. I feel like we've had a lot of those voicemails recently.

It's like, well, is it wedding season? I feel like wedding season. I thought wedding season was over. Over? It's just starting, bro. Yeah, I'm still living in the past. What? I knew a kid in like eighth grade who was trying to get hand jobs, you know?

And his line to the girls was always like, because a lot of girls would be like, no, like too many, too many, you've gotten too many hand jobs, you know? And his line to the girls was always like, because a lot of girls would be like, no, like, too many, you've gotten too many hand jobs. And he would say, it's just like shaking hands. It's just like shaking my dick, you know? Just shake my hand. That's sex. It's like, we just met. Also, my dick's been inside you. It's a big deal. Like, is it weird that this person fucked

that person? No. He just had sex. People like to fuck. Who gives a shit? Put this inside of that. No big deal. Do you care about who's kissed who? Not as much. That's a tongue inside another hole.

What's the difference between a dick inside a hole? I can put my tongue in your mouth. I can't put my tongue in your ass. What's the difference? That's ridiculous. Speaking of just wedding parties and stuff like that i i still have a

group text with just uh all the groomsmen for a wedding as in last year and one of the guys had a son and had a baby and so we were just kind of like all texting yesterday like congrats and like gray had a hair on him blah blah like all of us were kind of just, like, fucking around with it while, you know, he was clearly doing the whole my wife just had a kid thing. So he wasn't really too much on the phone. Right. And in the third period last night, he goes, well, fellas, tiny dick, huge balls. Guess I really am the dad. It does start like that.

It really does. Their balls are much, your baby balls are like half the size of your adult balls. They just come in, they basically come in full grown. It's weird. Such a funny text in the middle of a high game. Tiny dick, huge balls. I am the father. All right, last voice of the mill brought to you by Freefly.

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long time. I just had an interesting question I was thinking about. So obviously you lose your virginity while, when there's penetration, but I was wondering if there's a number of amount of times you can perform oral sex to be considered, you know, not a virgin anymore.

So, you know, there's a chick that hasn't been fucked yet, but still gives a lot of blowjobs. I don't know if it's kind of like the, I know you guys are big on anal is not losing your virginity, but let me know your thoughts on this one. All right.

First of all, no, I'm not. People are Christians. Yeah. If you get fucked in the ass, you are not a virgin. I'm coming around to the priest's view of this. I think if you suck a dick, you're not a virgin. Yeah, definitely. Okay.

But I think if you eat a pussy, you're still a virgin. I think you could eat a thousand pussies, you're still a virgin. But if you suck a dick, you a dirty girl. I tend to agree. Right? I mean, I don't think I should, but I tend to. Yeah, I mean, like. But I almost feel like that works against guys, where you're just like,

dude, I hear out loud tonight. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I mean, don't get me wrong. I guess there's no penetration in an eating. There is penetration in a blowjob. Yeah. And I mean, I think it's just a much.

In an eating. It's a much. I mean, you can get down down there. You can get dirty down there. But for the most part, it's just like a. It's like you're kissing. It's like you're kissing a pussy. Yeah.

You know? Whereas a blowjob is like. You're literally kissing lips. Right. Now, I mean, it's kind of funny if you were like, I mean, dude, like my tongue has been in her ass, but I'm not, I haven't had sex, you know. You haven't. But you haven't. Yeah.

I think, I think. Well, those are different things you just said. I think. So you put a tongue in the ass, you had sex. No, I think, I don't think you've had sex. I don't think this is had sex i i still i don't think this is gonna be crazy because it's literally not what it is but i think being a virgin and not having sex are different things i i hear you yeah that's that's that's where we're

at but what where where's the line i would say i if you say if you like really fucking mucked a barn, I would say that. Yeah, you could get down there and you could be blasting. There can be squirting. There can be tongues in all sorts of places. That's a pretty sexual encounter. Yeah. But if you just go down there and you're just kissing. And if you jerked off while you were down there?

Definitely. You're not a virgin. No. You're not a virgin. You haven't had sex. But you're not a virgin. I think we need to start appreciating the fact that there are different things. I don't know that we do.

Maybe I'm behind the times. I mean, I'll tell you this much. I've never had sex ed class. If you can have. I've never had sex ed class. Huh? I've never had a sex ed class. No, I don't think I did either.

I mean, health. Yeah, no, but I mean, we never did in health. No? I went to Catholic school, baby. Yeah, that's true. I mean, let's say, sometimes I think you can have sex and you didn't even have sex. Like, if you roll over in the morning and you have, like, hungover, spoon position, like, a few pumps, sex.

I don't even think that was sex. Yeah, you ever have sex and just fall back? Like, I've, like, woken up to have sex, like, three in the morning. Like, did we have sex last night? Right. That doesn't even count. I don't know. You know, like, you could just, you know, if you don't, like, switch

positions and do some fun shit, you didn't have sex. Oh, then I never have sex. No, you know what I mean, though? Like, like, the morning one is the best example where it's just like, I don't know, that was like you got off to take a piss. Yeah. I had a boner and I had to pee.

Yeah, that's what I had to do. That was just, you know, I went through B to get to C. Yeah, that's what I had to do. That was just, you know, I went through B to get to C. Like, it was just a means to an end. But overall, if you just go down on a girl and you're just like licking the clit, you didn't have sex. You get nasty down there, you had sex. You're a girl. You didn't have sex.

You're just not a virgin. You blow a guy. Not a virgin. Not a virgin. But I wouldn't say you had sex either. You're just not a virgin. I think I would say you get sex. Sucking a dick is like you get sex.

You get sex. That's not what sex is. Penetration in a hole. You're not a virgin. We'll disagree on this. You fuck somebody in the ass, you're not a virgin. You've had sex. That's a hole and a dick. So there's three holes that can go in. Two of, you're not a virgin. You've had sex. That's a hole and a dick. So there's three holes that can go in.

Two of them makes you not a virgin. But the third one, you're still a virgin? I'm going to give it... I know it doesn't make sense. I mean, I'm ultimately with you. If you're in high school and you've only blown a guy, you can still say you're a virgin. But I'm just saying...

Yeah, if you've got that hymen ripping still... Most girls lose their virginity to a goddamn balance beam. A fucking bike seat. Yeah, most liars do. All right, let's get to these interviews. Dr. Fucking Phil. What a lead in. Dr. Phil.

I don't know why he's here. I don't know why he stooped to our level, but he is here. He's here with that Oprah money. He's got that glow from Oprah, the Glopra. He is an all-time legend. So Dr. Phil's on the program. Let's talk to him. All right.

Extremely special edition of KFC Radio here. We are joined by the legend, Dr. Phil. The legend? You are a legend, sir sir you just made me feel really old come on no you you're playing nice right now but you know you're a legend you know you're an icon well i've been around a long time let's put it that way that's part of the game the longevity being around long enough where people still continue to like you how many years later now 17 years well i did five on Oprah, then 17 on my show.

So I guess 22 years on television. And that's the key right there, huh? Getting into that Oprah money is a different ballgame. For a guy that never wanted to be on television at all, I don't seem to be able to stay off of it. How many people at home are struggling to get on TV, and they're like, damn you, Dr. Phil. You don't even want to be on here. Well, you know, I was a trial consultant before at a trial science firm. That's how I met Oprah, actually, is defending her in the mad cow case up in Amarillo, Texas.

You guys are too young to even remember that. I remember mad cow disease. Yeah. And during all of that time, for like 15 years, I never gave one interview. Not one time. Because, you know, people come up at trial and see me there and say, who are you and what do you do? The press. I say, I'm nobody and I'm not even here.

I just turn around and walk off because we were behind the scenes on everything. Yeah. So I shunned television and television cameras, never gave a single interview in 15 years in some of the highest profile cases in American jurisprudence history. Never gave a word of an interview. And then next thing I know, I can't get off TV. Well, what was the switch? Like what flipped the switch? The paycheck?

No, Oprah just asked me to come be on the show. And I thought it was, I really figured it would just be one and done. I just, you know, go up and do the show. You guessed wrong. And just be one and done. I just go up and do the show. You guessed wrong. And it seemed to work out. I would say so. That might be the understatement of the century. It seemed to work out.

She's great, though. So I did it up in Chicago. Go up there every Tuesday, which I really enjoyed. You can't not have fun with Oprah. She's great. In the 17 years you've been on, we've seen so many moments, so many viral moments and huge moments. Has there ever been

something where you were just like, we can't even air this. This is crazy. This is way over the top. Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. Maybe when I retire, I'll do the Too The too hot for TV? Yeah. Uncensored version?

Yeah. Too crazy for air? Yeah. Phil gone wild. Yeah. No, you get some people that say things. Sometimes you really have to protect the guests from themselves. They'll say some things where it's like, you don't want to be talking about that.

Yeah. You don't want to say it. So we like. Yeah. That's good, though. You're not in the gotcha business where you're trying to to be talking about that. You don't want to say it. So we like take that stuff. That's good, though. You're not in the gotcha business where you're trying to get him to say that. Absolutely not. I am not a gotcha interviewer.

I don't have these hidden questions or whatever. I'll tell anybody I'm talking to what I'm going to ask them before I ask it. It's not the questions. It's the follow-ups that make the interview. As you know, if somebody's coming on about something they're charged with or a crime or whatever, they know you're going to ask them about that. What makes the interview is following up on what they say about it. So there's no surprises in any of this. It's not Perry Mason.

Again, y'all don't even know who Perry Mason is. You're not as young as you think. My incredible skill, my only one, is I know what I'm supposed to know. I'm like, I know that. A little fake laughter, a little nod. That was the first big legal show on television. It's funny you mention that,

though, because the new podcast is kind of capitalizing on that. The true crime wave, I feel like, has been such a craze for, I mean, forever now with shows like Law & Order and Perry Mason. People are interested in that. But most recently the true element with these documentaries and specials. So that's a great business to be in. But what is the psychology behind that?

People are just fascinated with these morbid cases. Well, I think they are because of the mystery and intrigue of what goes on that we're not aware of. When I did my training in psychology, when you go to graduate school, you have to pick an area of specialization. And for me, it was clinical psychology, which is what you think of with your hanging a shingle out, go see a therapist, neurosis, psychosis, that sort of thing. And I also did behavioral medicine, which is medical psychology. And I specialized in brain and central nervous system. And I kind of did those two cores when I was going through my training. But when I finished, I did a year's postdoctoral fellowship in forensic

psychology. So that's where psychology and the law came in. And I did a lot of criminal cases. And I was often called on to evaluate the criminal. Is this person sane or insane? Was this an irresistible impulse? or was it just an impulse not resisted? And the distinction between those two could be the difference between death penalty or going to a psychiatric facility. And so I've been involved in this for 45 years. This is not a Johnny-come-lately thing for me. I've been doing this for a long time. And my podcast is going to be focused on really getting inside the minds of the killers. Because think about it. The first one I'm doing is the killer thorn of Gypsy Rose, which is a mother was hacked to death. And when you think about

somebody hacking another person to death, don't you really wonder what the hell was this person thinking? I mean, how do you get up in the morning, shower, put on a shirt, and go out that day and hack somebody to death? What the hell? How do you go across that line? I mean, how do you get from normal to that far out in the fringe that that's okay with you? And then you finish that and go eat at Denny's. Right. I mean, how is that okay?

How does that happen? And what's that person thinking as they're jamming this knife into this person? Yeah. I mean— That's what always fascinates me is that when you—to chop somebody up, it's got to—you know, you have one moment where you stab somebody. And you're like, oh, my God. But to keep doing it or keep chopping or keep stabbing you have to really want to kill that person yeah i i had an uncle that was a police detective for 50 years i mean literally

50 years he started when he was in his 20s and retired in his 70s and he said the reason that they outlaw switchblade knives is that they're so quick, you click and stab, and that the philosophy was they wanted you to have to open the knife and feel that steel cold blade, and it gives you that moment to think. Interesting. And just that that extra pause saved a lot of lives. Like you say, on impulse, you can just shoot somebody or stab somebody, but to actually hack somebody to death and saw them up or something, that's a different breed of cat right there.

Now, this one in particular is Gypsy Lee, and you've met her, right? Yeah, I did an exclusive interview with her in prison and talked to her for several hours. Where do you think she falls? Because, I mean, she, to be fair to her, people don't know the story, really. You know, she was a victim of Munch know the story really it's you know she was a

victim of Munchausen syndrome where she was convinced she was sick her entire life so that I mean that's kind of that's got to mess with you right that's got to be you could make an argument that this was you could make an argument this was to a degree self-defense right because had she not killed her mother I have no doubt that her mother would have killed her. And because she had subjected her to 30 surgeries, over two dozen surgeries, she was poisoning her through her feeding tube. She was giving her medication she didn't need, pulled all of her teeth, took out her salivary

glands, had her in a wheelchair. She'd been torturing her. I mean, for years, this horrible abuse. I wouldn't connect if I was on a jury. Well, hell no. The system had failed her. Two doctors discovered what was happening. They were followed up.

CPS went out three times, did nothing. She, in her mind, was like, I'm going to kill her or she's going to kill me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, at that point, I mean, what you're describing to me it certainly just sounds like someone who's been kidnapped and tortured or you know if this happened to someone who it was that if it was explained just as like yes someone kidnapped me and tortured me and i killed him to get away you'd be like good for you yeah right you're a survivor have a nice day yeah we give you right home home I mean really so it's a

but on the other hand you can't you can't you can't chop people up you just can't endorse vigilante justice like that you gotta do something

but I think that's why she got 10 years instead of life even 10 years sounds so great I don't understand the justice system at all but like

that seems something where I'm like if it was something where she was kidnapped by a man who was raping her or something like that, I'd be like, great job. It was unbelievable. Let me pay for your dinner.

Cheer it on. How do you go from a situation like that to some, you know, in one breath you're analyzing a person like that or you're in a deep case or something that's so important and then some of the other moments on the show which are more fun, viral, silly, kind of like lighthearted. Bouncing back between those two has got to be a strange dynamic. Well, you know, when I started out, I was a young lion. I was going to heal the world.

Yeah. But you learn pretty fast to not take yourself quite so seriously. And like we say in Texas, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him float on his back. You tell them, you know, you can do these heavy cases, and you tell people what you can tell them to help them. But you have to learn to compartmentalize. I mean, you really have to leave it behind.

And when I was in private practice, I had to do the same thing. But I do some cases on the show, like the Chris Watts story, where you guys remember that just recently, he, family annihilator, he killed his pregnant wife and two young daughters and then stuffed them in those oil tankers and murdered them. And I've got two grandchildren about that age, and I'm like, you know, how do you do this? The only way you can do it is just compartmentalize it. You've got to leave it there and go on and put a wall up and not think about it. Because I've done almost 3,000 shows, and a lot of them have been molestation cases and domestic violence cases and kids that have just been abused and stuff are you ever sitting there and you want to just

you want to jump across the stage oh my god you have no idea you're a patient man you have no idea there are so many times i want to grab a hold of those people and just shake them till their teeth rattle yeah robin says I should do my last season on HBO. Yeah, let it rip, man. Where I can say what I'm really thinking. Absolutely. Just say Dr. Phil, the bubble over his head. Let me tell you something.

Yeah, I mean, you've got to be patient. Are there times you're with people that you're trying to help, but there's a level that's just like you are a trash person. You're just a bad person. You've got something wrong with you, and you can't be fixed. There are people that I believe, there's pathology, clearly, mental illness, and it gets worse. You know, there's neurosis and psychosis and all.

And there are people that I believe are just pure evil. Yeah. And I'm looking at them, and I'm'm thinking there is no coming back for this guy you think that's like something physically wrong with your brain or there's something intangible where it's just you are like you know the devil incarnate if you go back and trace their history they've clearly been victimized along the way but then there's that extra there's that extra chip missing. You know, I had a guy on that had molested his daughter from the age of six to like when she was 18. And he's there with her. He's admitted it.

And he had his friends come over and molest her. And he sat there and looked at me and he said, you know, this was back in the 90s when this wasn't such a big deal. And I believe with such arrogance, you can't even imagine. I believe that's the closest I've ever come to just grabbing somebody up and just slapping the shit out of them. Yeah. It's just like I thought, you know, you are just absolutely irredeemable. You are a waste of space. And I got nothing.

Did you kind of end it like that? Or were you just like, get the fuck off my stage? I did. I said, I'm through talking to you. We're going to take a break. When we come back, he's going to be gone. And we did, and he was, and I spent the rest of time with her. I would love to see. I think that would be huge, and he was, and I spent the rest of the time with her. I would love to see.

I think that would be huge, actually, if it went almost with a, if you did that one day, you could run for president. I don't know if you've got any interest in it. You could run for president, period, by the way, Phil. If you stood up and grabbed that guy at one point, it would be like, I'm sure there are FCC rules, and you have papers signed where there's no physical violence. But if you just decided to break all that at one point and just grab them and smack them, America would go wild.

Throw them out in the trash. But I have kicked people off the stage, and people understand. I've just told them, I'm done with you. You need to leave. Now, you didn't do that with bad Bobby. Are you ready to apologize? Yeah, you didn't do that with bad Bobby. Are you ready to apologize? Yeah, you owe American apology for that one. You got to do some good to make up for that, pal.

Yeah, I think I'm going to be digging out of that for the rest of my life. One of the most harrowing cases Dr. Phil ever faced. I'm not doing you any favors because she's a mega celebrity now. Yeah, I would hope you're getting like 20% of everything she makes. Jesus Louise. No, I'm not. And I wouldn't take it if it was offered. Smart man.

You don't mess around with the dirty money? No. Let her do what she does. I wish everybody well. I don't want to harp on it, but was that a moment where you were like, get the hell off my stage? No, because at the time, you know, this was all built up after the fact. At the time, we sent her to a therapeutic wilderness program, and she did very well. Really?

She came back very— She is renewable. She came back with a very good attitude. And I remember we did a piece there at the ranch where she was. And at the end of the piece, she, like, jumped up on the fence leaned over it you know and said great things and then got home spent one night with her mother went back so i think she got home spent one night with someone from hollywood who was like i see a star can you just keep acting like that yeah i think she got home and spent some time with a few million followers on instagram and Twitter and all of a sudden the attention

starts to flow in. Social media has changed society. The worse or the better? Well, you know, there are a lot of great things about the internet. I mean, seriously, you can look up anything you want. Neurotransmitters,

you can find out anything you want. My kids, they don't even know what a library is. It's a big building with books. They just don't know. Everybody sees Dr. Google and figures everything out. But the advent of social media, it's brought concepts that when I started the show, the first text had not been sent. There was no smartphones. There was no Instagram.

There was no Twitter. None of this stuff was there when I started. And now I'm having to deal with cyberbullying. I'm having to deal with kids that get depressed because they put up a picture and it doesn't get enough likes. And actually, there are biochemical changes in the brain from kids that are addicted to social media. They put up a picture. It gets 10,000 likes. They put up another one. It gets 200.

They feel abandoned. And you start seeing serotonin differences in their brain. They start to get depressed. They've committed suicide over not getting enough likes, losing followers, things of that nature. So – and I think, you know, when I was in private practice, I dictated all my records. And so my handwriting and spelling decayed because, I mean, for years I just dictated everything. And now people are texting and social media so their interpersonal skills are decaying they don't make eye contact they don't meet they

don't build a relationship step by step you know you have a relationship with somebody for a year you just meet and go to bed I mean what the hell have you already done everything else yeah you know everything about me relationship skills are decay. But I think sometimes that's all viewed as negative, and in a lot of cases it is, but isn't that also just like it's changed? It's just different now? It is different. It's not necessarily worse

if you're connecting with someone electronically. Yeah, I'm not an opponent or even a critic of these dating sites, electronic dating like Matz.com and that sort of thing, I think it's superior to meeting at a bar. You go to a bar, you don't know anything about that person. It's loud. You can't hear. You can't see. You don't know what's going on. At least this way, you can learn some things about them, do a little research on them, meet them in a public place where you're safe. There are some real pluses to it.

Plus, it's efficient with the social media aspect do you think i was like i was going to ask you what it's like kind of because you've you've dealt with some celebrities as well and what do you think that the social media aspect has almost added the celebrity life to kids like children are going like what celebrities when they go through their breakdowns it's because they haven't gotten attention or they're you know not getting the jobs not getting the roles, not getting TMZ outside their house anymore. And that's changing. They don't feel like they have the attention of the world anymore.

Obviously, that has a huge effect on their psychology. And you think that's kind of what's happening with kids in social media? Oh, sure. The same exact thing? Let me tell you. You get in their groups, in their high schools and colleges even, middle schools. They have these platforms they get on, and there is a hierarchy within those schools and those platforms. And they go up and down on that hierarchy just like you do in Hollywood or sports.

And it's the same thing. It's just a microcosm of the rest of the world, and they can crash. It's a long way to fall when you go from the Instagram queen in the school to boom. All of a sudden, everybody's dropped you. You're not being followed. I guess in a sense that's always been there though, right? In schools where there's always been – Format. Now it's electronically, right?

When I was in school, they had what they called slam books. And they were spiral notebooks. Those things with wires. I'm not an idiot. They would pass those around and people would write anonymous things in there about different people. And it's like writing on a bathroom wall. You know, there's this book that passed around. Burn book.

Yeah, where they just slam people and stuff. Now they just do it on. I guess I think about that with social media where I think that social media has brought on anonymous people being mean, but it's always been there. Whether it was written on the bathroom wall or written in a slam book, people have always, at least in middle school, when you were younger,

it was always, I guess it's easier to do it, almost like a switchblade versus having to pull the knife out. Well, what's different now, though, is if you got bullied at school, when you got home, you were away from it because they'd bully you in the cafeteria or on the bus docks or something. Now, those bullies follow you home on the internet. You change schools. The bullies can follow you to your new school.

And your parents think you're back there doing your homework or you're playing a video game. Most parents don't realize that those video game controllers are internet capable. So they might actually be on there interacting and getting bullied on a video game. So they just can't get away from it. That's the problem.

Let me ask you this. The psychology, and this is mostly online as well, with a couple recent cases. The psychology, and this is mostly online as well, with a couple of recent cases, the psychology of people who are still fans or defending people like R. Kelly, people like Michael Jackson after the latest documentary. What's going on there? The amount of people who just seem to look past it and say, you know, believe everything he said, don't believe any of the facts, and seem to not care that this was like the most heinous acts you can commit. You know, they have an agenda where they need for this to be the way they believe it to be. When I was at Courtroom Sciences doing all the trial work, we did mock juries. And I mean, we would do 50 juries, 50 jurors at a time when we would do a mock trial, and we'd do thousands a year. And this was during the OJ

trial. And I was asked to work on the OJ trial, and I had to say no because they wanted me there every day. And what do you do with the rest of your clients? Like Exxon, sorry, I can't be here for a year. You can't do it, so I didn't do it. But I ask our mirror jurors or mock jurors at the end of every trial, I'd say, okay, we're all done with that. Now, you're all following the O.J. Simpson case, right? I want to know if you think, just based on what you know, I realize you don't have all the information, innocent or guilty, divided straight down racial lines. And I ask the African-American jurors, you guys see that it's straight down racial lines here. You're not looking at different information.

And they pretty much always said, we need him to be innocent and we feel we're owed one. So if he's guilty, there have been a lot of black men put in prison that shouldn't have been there. Make up call? Do you think that'll ever change? I hope so. I remember

looking back on some of the OJ stuff where it was well, we were talking to Marcia Clark and we were like, well, you well, racial tensions are better now. Well, they're not. No, they're not. Do you think it will ever – there will ever be kind of like a dissipation of that? Well, I'm an incurable optimist, so I hope so. But I don't see it happening now.

And when you see like R. Kelly or Michael Jackson, I mean, come on. There's something called confirmation bias where you only take in information that confirms your position. But here's what people don't know about confirmation bias is when you take someone that suffers from that hard factional information to the contrary, it deepens their bias.

It does not cause them to go, oh, well, okay. What they actually do is it causes them to go, oh, well, okay. What they actually do is it causes them to fight you off even more. So it deepens their bias. So how do you get around confirmation bias? Is it up to them? It takes time for them to learn about confirmation bias and get some insight to the fact that they are closing their mind, and then you can start.

The best way to do it is something called cognitive dissonance, where you can force them to argue the other side. And if they have to argue the other side, it causes them to crystallize those points in their mind and put them into an argument that makes sense. That tends to penetrate if you can do that. It seems like a lot of work. Do you ever get tired? Are you ever just like, I don't care about your problems.

I don't fucking want to hear it. I just want to have a beer and sit on the ranch. I wrapped the season April 3rd, and I've got four and a half months off. Oh, man. You soak it in, Big Bella. What does Dr. Phil do on vacation? What's an ideal vacation for you?

You'd be surprised how worthless I can get. You give me a couple weeks off. We are experts in that field. I'm like a lizard on a rock. No, I'm a sports nut. Are you? What are your teams? I don't follow hockey. That's the only thing, because I can't see the puck. I'm a sports nut. Are you? What are your teams? I don't follow hockey.

That's the only thing because I can't see the puck. I'm going blind. Texas boys aren't following hockey anyway. Well, you got the stars. Oh, yeah. Stars are going through. And Mike Medano was a big star. And he was a friend of mine.

Oh, really? Yeah. So were you with Mike when he was married to Willa Ford? Yes. How was that? That was a good choice. That was a good choice. Who were your other teams?

I'm a Cowboy fan. Naturally. And I'm a Cowboy fan every Sunday morning. I quit them every Sunday night. I quit them. I'm never watching another Cowboy game as long as I live. Next Sunday morning. There you are.

Pulling you back in. I'm back in there again. We could do another hour on the psychology of sports fandom alone. I feel like that's one of the weirdest things. Mets, Jets, Knicks fan. I'm as battered as it gets, yet I keep coming back for more. I don't know what the hell that is about. I love the New Orleans Saints.

Oh, yeah? And Sean Payton's a good friend of mine, and I really like Drew Ries. How do you guys run in these circles? How do you find each other? Yeah, you're just – well, he's friends with everybody. Yeah. Who wouldn't like Dr. Phil? Sean's a really good guy.

Hell of a coach. Who don't you like? Go ahead and slander somebody on the way out here. Who's your least favorite slanderer? And bad Barbie doesn't count. Yeah. You know, there are teams that I don't follow because they don't air them on the West Coast. Like, we don't see the Knicks.

They just don't ever air them on the West Coast. Consider yourself lucky, man. We don't see the 76ers much. They just don't air them out there. So we don't get to follow them. But I really love the Mavericks. And they've had good years and not. And Mark Cuban's a friend of mine, so I've followed them.

And him being a friend, I've had an emotional investment in that team. So Dallas have been my teams. I really like them. I thought Peyton Manning was a great quarterback. You're just all over the place. You like everybody, huh? But Dallas are my key. I mean, those are my key teams.

What is the psychology of continuing to play a sport after losing a game 100-6, as Dr. Phil did one time in college? I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Middle linebacker, you came up 101 points. Just 100. 100 points. There's a bad echo in here. Was it so bad you transferred?

Is that true? Let me straighten this bullshit out. I was at University of Tulsa at that time. I did not play in that game. I was on that team, but I did not play in that game. But let me finish. There was something called the Hong Kong flu. It's like bird flu

you know that came through at the time and we were devastated by it and so I was in the infirmary when that game was played with like 40 of my teammates so Bill Yeoman the coach at Houston it was an away game

we're going to cancel the game he says oh please don't cancel the game. It'll cost us a fortune. We understand you're sick. The guy we had playing quarterback in that game hadn't taken a snap since the seventh grade. Oh, Jesus. No, I'm not kidding. He says, we get it. Come down.

We're not going to run the score up here. Just come down. We'll play the game because we don't want to cancel what cost us all of our ticket sales. So he runs the score up 100-6. Well, maybe they would have put 200 on you. Yeah, thanks for saying that. I did, however, play in the freshman game against OU, and we got beat 77-7.

And the headline was, OU frosh extra points enough to beat Tulsa. And I'm like, you son of a bitch. Who writes a headline like that? Just pure spite. They're extra points enough to beat us. Come on. Who's mother?

Who's your mother that you write that? That was terrible. I did get a scholarship to a Division I school. Who they turned down, I don't know. To give me a scholarship, I don't know. Doesn't matter, Phil. That's all that matters. You got it, man.

Yeah, I did. It's worked out well for you now. You got the analysis of murder is coming out April 25th. And you have a million other things. You have the show Dr. Phil. You may have heard of that one. A couple of folks are on. I don't think you need much more promo from us.

I don't know who doesn't know you by now. But the Gypsy Rose case is obviously very interesting. So definitely check out Analysis of Murder, which I'm sure everyone's going to do. Well, you guys are a lot of fun. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate it. You have to come see me sometime. Yeah, I'd love to. All right. I'll tell you what. A couple of cases. People are a lot of fun. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate it. You have to come see me sometime. Yeah, I'd love to.

All right. I'll tell you what. A couple of cases. People are very excited to hear it. Oh, I've been making mental notes. All right. Now, Chad Daniels, also known as Dad Chaniels, one of the funnier, like, dad, family-oriented comedians in the game right now.

He did an answer. Well, he's not always family-oriented. We'll talk about that. Yeah, yeah, definitely. I mean, he's got, but the first half of his act is usually kids oriented but then he just lets it fly he's a real guy's guy fits right in with us and uh i feel like you're gonna be hearing his name a lot more to come very soon so chad daniels what you got how we doing that's a great jacket oh thanks oh fuck me i didn't realize that so that. If you want to save that, you can save that. We're rolling now.

Cool. All right. It's a Friday morning. What, you spilling all over yourself? I forgot how to drink water. It's ridiculous. Between that and not zipping up your fly, I'm starting to get concerned. Smartwater gets you, though, because they fill it so high to the top that when you open it a lot of times, it all comes over the edge.

And it makes you feel like— I can't really use that as an excuse here on this one. Yeah, that's true. That's half gone. The voice you hear is Chad Daniels, a.k.a. Dad Chaniels. Yeah. Which is— I didn't give myself that name.

I'd like to be very clear about that because that would be horrible. I was at a show, and this couple came, young kids, 18 years old, guy and a girl. And afterwards, they took a picture with me, put their heads on my shoulder. And then the guy walked away. He goes, thanks, Dad Channels. And I was like, oh, who hurt you, man? Who hurt you that you want to call me that? Well, is it potentially better?

Because Chad has gotten such a negative connotation on the internet these days. That's true. It's actually come full circle for me. I actually understood it when it first happened because I knew knew one kid as Chad when I was a kid. He hated his fucking guts. I was like, you know what? All Chads are dickheads. And then it's become so popular now where I'm like, I'm team Chad.

I'm like, leave Chads and Brads alone. I think Brad's worse than Chad. Well, I would have to agree. I went to Starbucks once. I had on like, it was early morning. So I had, so I had this stupid flat brim hat on, my sunglasses. It just looked ridiculous. And they go, what's your name for the order? And I was like, no way.

I am not telling you. Extavious. Spell it. I ain't telling you that. Speaking of what you're dressed in the jacket, I know you're a Minnesota guy, so figure you're a hockey guy. Lake Placid, 1980, black jacket with the patch on the chest, USA, very cool. I was in Chicago, again, Starbucks, and these two guys are like,

can you even believe people are still wearing Columbia? I'm North Face or Die. And I sat down next to them and I go, because of you two, I'm going home and I'm ordering two patches off the internet. And I did. This was one of them,, because of you two, I'm going home and I'm ordering two patches off the internet. And I did. This was one of them. And then the other one's on my back. But I was in an ice cream shop once. And this kid's getting my ice cream.

He looks at the patch and he goes, oh, my God, were you on the team? And I was like, well, I was five. So is my ice cream free, you piece of shit? I know I've aged poorly. How old was the kid, you think? Oh, he must have been 18. Yeah, like they just have no, like, I think when you're 18, if you see someone who's like even 30, they're like dead. It's like, oh, you're on your deathbed.

That's true. But to be fair, so I've got, I have a 19-year-old son, a 15-year-old daughter. I got divorced and got a brand new hip in the last four years. Oh, wow. So I've aged probably 30 years in four years. I heard your son said you age like a president. He's such an asshole, but he's like a funny asshole.

He's got his dad's genes, you know? Yeah. I still, like, I think that same thing though, where like once, like,

like I think my parents are almost dead. I think everyone does that with like an older, like when you're just like, even like if there's like a generational deal, like that person's an infant. Yeah. When you're 18, 25 is ancient.

When you're 30, 40 is ancient. When you're 40, 60 is ancient. My parents are almost 60, I think. I mean, they're on the final line. I remember when I was young, I would hug my mom like extra when she went to work because I was like, this could be the last one day.

She might not come back. How old are you now? I'm 44. Yeah, I mean, yeah, you're not an old guy. Well, I'm just like, my hair got gray overnight. The gray's not bad. All this stuff, so. Balding is the problem.

If you go gray, I think that's fine. The salt and pepper look, a little bit of gray. You have these guys that can shave their head, and all of a sudden you're like, oh, you piece of shit. What are you, 20 years younger now? Yeah. How'd you do that? Yeah. But I have these things.

I shaved my head for a baseball tournament when I was in high school. And I had, do you remember Shane Battier? Oh, yeah. You have the wrinkles? Yes. You have the divots? I look like a fucking Sharpay. It looks like before my head got hard as a baby, somebody tried to pick me up with just their fingers, and my head squished out through.

It's so gross. I've never seen that on anyone but Shane Battier. Yeah, that was disgusting. I'm telling you, like, if there was- I kind of want to pin you down and show it. I'd love to see it. Let's haze this motherfucker. So Star Trek, I could go in as an alien

and they'd be like, make up. Oh, never mind. We're good. Saving three hours. This is perfect. Wow. Yeah, it looks gross. So at one point you did shave your head

and you were like, well, never doing this again. Yeah. And then my grandpa was bald. So I was like, Jesus Christ, here we go. It looks like I'm wearing hats for stapling hats to my head

so no one can take them off. No, you're good, man. Yeah, I got a lot of hair now. You're fine. It looks like I'm wearing hats, like stapling hats to my head so no one can take them off. No, you're good, man. Yeah, I got a lot of hair now. You're fine. Yeah, you're good. I just finished up watching your special and a lot of talk about your kids, which is, I have two myself. They're very young, three and one and a half-ish.

And I just think they're the funniest source of material of all time. Yeah, they're great. Yeah, you're fulfilling and I love you, but also funniest source of material of all time. Yeah, they're great. Yeah, you're fulfilling and I love you, but also you're making work a lot easier. Yeah, absolutely right. Yeah, I mean, so for me, it's like I tell some stories about them, but then I also try to tell stories

about how I'm an idiot as a father and just barely trying to get through it. Yep. Like the Me Too thing. As all of us are. The Me Too thing with a 13, 14-year-old daughter was like, it was an important time

in our house because I wanted to make sure, you know, like, hey, guys, don't get away with shit and stuff like that. And so it was an interesting time. But then through that,

you know, if you take everything too seriously, then it starts to really suck. Right, right. I think I got a broken toe right now. What?

I think I broke my toe last night because of my fucking son of a bitch kid. I basically was saving his life. So my one and a half-ish, I guess two in July, and he has just turned into an asshole overnight. He is just a menace now.

And every time I turn around, he finds things, puts them in front of the sink, climbs up and turns on the scalding hot water. That's where he's at in his life he's doing shit like that and he also last i have my couch is up against the windows which is probably not the safest thing in the world so he is on top of the couch and he's leaning like his full body weight against the window so like i don't want to have yeah well that's the thing i was going to say that's exactly what I was going to say I don't want any tears in heaven

situation I saw a storming on your lips I was like I shouldn't say this but that's what went through my head I'm on the second floor there's some shrubbery he'd probably be fine but he's like

about to fall off the couch about to fall probably through the window and so I go to save his life and I there's a million fucking toys on the floor and I roll

my right foot my right ankle and I like land on my left toe. And the thing is fucking, I can't even walk right now. And I save his life, of course, and he's just like, meh. And I'm just like, you don't even know. Next time I'm going to let you fall. He fully knows all of English, so you can't even explain what you've just done.

That's what sucks. Do you see this fucking thing? And he's just laughing away. These kids just don't know. But what I'm looking forward to, and maybe you can tell me if you do this or not, when they're of age,

now you got older kids, I mean, everyone says like, oh, I changed your diapers or whatever, but I'm going to be like, I broke my fucking toe for you, man. I'm looking forward to when I can let them know

how much they suck. I used to have a story about when my kid turned 18, I was going to punch him in the face. Because it would be a misdemeanor and not a felony. So I was like, I'm willing to do two weeks to knock you out because I didn't spank him or anything. So I was like, these are all your spankings at once. So yeah, there comes a moment where you bring out the journals. You're like, read this, you piece of shit.

Starts broken toe. I was only two yeah exactly that's great well when you say you used to you're just not telling a story anymore because you should it's funny oh yeah it's on an it's on an album so i oh god i leave it there yeah you mentioned it in this special right with you have the locker box yeah i tell the story about what happened on his 18th birthday yeah so that was a fun afternoon that was it was interesting you have a lot of stories in this in this uh in this special where it's like you have a lot of a lot of stuff with your kids and whatnot which almost not not safe comedy but it seems like comedy that's okay for anyone to listen to but then you have a lot of stuff where like that

makes the audience fucking pull back hard where you acknowledge it a couple of times you're like oh you guys are back well i think when people sit down and they and they think oh he's talking about his kids this is family comedy right but it's not even close that's what i thought when i started and then i was like oh there's a switch here yeah i mean because it's basically it's it's comedy for adults that are dealing with the same shit but it's like there's you know everyone's always like it's 2019 what can't you talk about and i think well probably nothing i guess just like a new calendar that's about all that happened like the two things in particular that really stuck out to me was one the don't rape and you're like like you know people say you can't say that you have i'm not gonna talk about your bits but the don't rape and then the other one was um

fucking your kids and both of them you were anti well. Okay, there we go. I just wanted to make sure we got to that point. They're both anti, but both still the crowd was like, whoa, what are you doing? You're like, I'm saying don't do these things. Don't do these things. Yeah, that's, I don't know. Sometimes the brain doesn't hear the negative, like the word. You hear that trigger word and that's all that matters. Absolutely.

You don't hear what comes before it or after it. Have you noticed that happens a lot more nowadays? Like a lot more of the, look, I'm saying something that everyone in here agrees with, I think. I hope everyone in here agrees with. So why are you pulling back on me? Yeah, there's times where you just have to be like, all right, I'm going to repeat that. But this time I want you to listen to every single word. I mean, I have to do that with my kids too.

Comedy has become a little bit like parenting. Yeah, you got to lead them and show them. And I mean, I would imagine, so you've been in the game for a long time now and now is, you know, more sensitive than ever. Have you, have you changed your comedy at all? I haven't. I just, I let them know, you know, so I have this joke that ends up, it starts, I'm talking about, talking about guys. And then at the end of it, I bring up women or girls. And then at the end of it i bring up women or girls and at the end of that i bring up boys again so it's like i have to let them know the last the last one isn't funny i don't know if this is making any sense but the last thing i bring up isn't funny but i bring up boys again to let them know it's about age not about gender right right right and and then afterwards i yeah, and I have to do that because doing comedy in 2019

is super fucking fun. Yeah, I mean, the fact that you have to put out these disclaimers or like, just for the record type of shit, where you have to lead them down the exact path, let them know you're not a rapist or something ridiculous like that. Well, that's absolutely right. Even when you say, so I do,

I have a bit that when my kid leaves the house, my son, all I tell him is drive safe, don't rape. That's it because that's all I want him to know when he leaves. And I had somebody come up to me after a show and a guy was like, well, that's fucked up. My mother was raped. And I was like, I don't think you're understanding. And he goes, you're not understanding. My mother was – we don't talk about rape on set.

I go, let me ask you one question. I said, do you wish that your mother's rapist was at a show where someone said, don't rape, the night before? And he was just like, fuck you. God, fuck you. You're right. And he just stormed off. Just stormed off into the mall because a lot of comedy clubs are in malls. So he stormed off just stormed off into the mall because a lot of comedy clubs are in malls i mean if you just gave it one millisecond of thought and realized i was saying it's a bad thing that we wouldn't be in this spot uh yeah i mean even the special you if rape is the one

word i feel like where it's especially like that too like if you said don't say the n-word people be like yeah he's right don't say the n-word but for some reason rape i think is like whoa don't even say the r-word we can't even discuss, like, even if you're rallying against it. Well, that's what's weird. You have to discuss it to get these young boys to realize. I mean, I have parents coming up. I have a bumper sticker that I sell that says, drive safe, don't rape. And parents come up and get it, and they're like, my kid's two, but I'm going to put it above his bed.

And I'm like, great, let's start early. Let's burn it into their heads. I want them to arrive safely and then not rape anybody. Yeah, it's very simple. It's a pretty low bar, you know. We're not asking for much here. And by the way, I just want everyone to know, I know it's drive safely. I'm sure there's some people listening.

That's what people really have said. You can't say drive safely, don't rape-ly. You sound like a dick. So just stop. I see you're all padded up here. What do you got? I got some, let's see, I got Tiger on my left arm. Didn't realize Adam, I won Adam Levine from Maroon 5 also had this tattoo.

But now he's got a sleeve, so you can't really see it. He had the same tattoo in the same spot? Well, it's on the other arm. So I have a picture on my Instagram where somebody pulled, it was in between shows in Austin, Texas. And somebody goes, Adam Levine fan. I go, what? And they showed me the picture. And so then I did a similar pose and we put it side by side on my Instagram.

But yeah, that's a tough one. You know, it's like, Hey, this is cool. And it's like, well, here's like this sex icon rock star who did the same exact thing. Didn't really do the same for you, Chad. Not really pulling the same results. I got it. What does he have in the Super Bowl? We saw California right across the edge.

Yeah, just Minnesota over my gut. They're like, that seems appropriate. Yeah, perfect. A Midwestern state over a gut? Yeah, that seems right. Speaking of Minnesota, I'm a hard researcher, so I gave a Wikipedia. Your Wikipedia picture, you're what, 12 in it? I'm telling you

these pictures oh they're unreal it was i'd already seen the special so i was like hang on what the fuck is this guy you could look up you could look up 15 different pictures of me on the internet and think it's 15 different people yeah it's actually real i was saying to kevin before you look like it like on the special you look the special, you look much younger now than you did in the special. Because in the special, I was like, he kind of looks like Tim Allen in the Santa Claus, like, before he goes full Santa Claus. Do you know that my fucking, my

own daughter, flesh and blood, right? She's half me. She goes, when she was really young, she goes, Dad, you might want to come in here. I think you're on TV. It was a Santa Claus. Yeah, for people, it's when, because you're wearing a gray sweater in the special, too. So it's when Scott Calvin is in his gray sweatsuit, and he's put on the weight, and he's not full-blown Santa Claus. That in-between period is Chad Daniels' routine.

This picture is just not you. That's just not you. Oh, yeah, I know. Somebody screwed up and put up the wrong picture on the TV. That's like two years before my divorce when things started going south and how that goes colored colors yeah yeah i'm married i wear i wear greens so exactly now it's like we wear clothes that match our soul literally man blacks and grays literally it makes me look a little less fat and it matches my demeanor and temperament at all times. Do you hate

people going back to pictures like that? Because like we actually just started, we launched this thing called Barsukal where you kind of have all access to all our old stuff. And we've been here for 10 years. We've been doing this forever. And people are now constantly tweeting at me like videos I used to do. I was 40 pounds less. I was way

younger looking, way less than I was. It doesn't really bother me, but at the same time, I'm like, hmm. I used to be better looking. Constant reminder. Oh, yeah. There are times where I see a picture like that and I go, I need to find a woman to marry so I can get divorced again. Because that's really

what did it for me. I wasn't eating for a long time. Yep. Again, know how that goes. The... The beard... I think the beard serves you well, though. for a long time. Yep. Again, know how that goes. The, yeah, man, the beard, I think the beard

serves you well, though. Yeah, I think, well, I like it. It serves everybody well, I think.

Man, when you go on stage, it's interesting. So back then, I could do the same, I mean, I wasn't, but I could,

I had the same mentality, right? And people would look at me and go like, you don't know what you're fucking talking about. And now I go up there, just obviously have lived i you know gray veteran of the gray hair yeah uh tits and people are like he's been through it so let's let's listen because we might learn

something yeah that's a great point it is interesting i mean i will say especially listen to someone talk about war and either they look like that or they're missing an arm and you're like look everyone gets around yeah you show me a guy missing an arm that didn't even he lost it like when he got back i'll still listen yeah we had a we had a guy we do uh we were on stage a couple years ago and we it was some question about having one arm and there was a one-armed guy in the crowd and he came we had him up on stage and i think he told us it was a shark attack yeah and then i was you know the real story was much sadder or whatever but he just goes with a shark attack you know yeah it's like uh that's the way to go just tell people you lost your arm in a shark attack versus like i got or something when i was two there's a flap that like a trap door

that lets food into your stomach yeah but mine was it was flipped past my past my stomach, so it couldn't drop down to let food in, so I would just projectile vomit. So they had to go in, and they had to fix that little trapdoor. So I have a scar on my stomach, and when people ask me, I will tell them that I got stabbed at a Guns N' Roses concert. Absolutely. Jumping into a fight. Absolutely.

Jumping into a fight. I mean, I tell them afterwards afterward but i do tell them afterwards that that's not right but to see the look on their face just like they want to hug you in a hero fashion oh my god you did what i have a picture i just puked a lot i probably had that problem i puked constantly until i was like six years old why i don't know i i just remember the like the story my mom always tells is that we were on the turnpike. We stopped off to eat some food. It was like the morning.

I had a bowl of cereal, and I just puked back into the bowl, and she just took a napkin, put it over the bowl, left a huge-ass tip, and was like, let's get the fuck out of here. Wow. That's interesting. Now, would you rather have a kid that pukes or a suicidal kid? Ooh. Now you're playing our game. Like I'm saying, like pushing.

I'm saying a kid that's standing with all his weight up against a window where you have to kick toys out of the way. Break toes. Honestly, this toe really hurts. I'll take the throw up. At the moment, I'm thinking throw up. Suicidal kid. Nobody's ever broken a toe wiping up vomit it's true it smells bad but you'll have all your bones intact yeah absolutely we i go to the diner every sunday with my kids we go to

gymnastics and then we go to the diner and i mean it's just like a fucking bomb goes off there it is wild they must hate every time we show up there's just i mean every sugar packets ripped open milk everywhere food everywhere so i'm doing a good job of parenting. It's like we go to the diner and you can do literally whatever you want. And I just leave an extra tip. Just trying to survive here, man. Just trying to get through it. Right.

That's the name of the game. The second half of your of your special really does kind of like depart from the family type of comedy. Is that like a conscious effort? Are you like, all right, we're kind of done with that. I'm going to tell some other jokes. Yeah, because at the end I go back into it a little bit. So I wanted to make sure there was a chunk where, you know, I didn't want everyone to just be like, Jesus Christ,

does he leave his house ever? So I wanted to tell some story that were just basically how my brain operates. Because then you can kind of see, once you watch those stories, you can also then kind of see why I'm making some parental decisions. Because, you know, I'm a pretty opinionated guy. Do you want me to join ISIS?

Yeah. Which I agree with wholeheartedly. 100%. Like, yeah. Everything you said there was another thing where it was kind of like, whoa, hang on. ISIS. This special stuck out to me very much when the audience would and would not pull back because I had two perfect gauges I don't know if you watched a special back

but those two women sitting right in the corner who look exactly as you like you think they look if they pull back at the me too stuff like it look exactly I'm like I'm like oh there was a change in the notice they were laughing they were loving it and then it was just like wait a second so what do they think about this yeah everything that I thought they would stop it and then it was just like, wait a second. So then I started watching them and I was like, hang on, what do they think about this? Everything that I thought they would stop at, they did. It was like, it was almost,

it was a weird like predictor of like exactly that's what And that's where I start to like fall off my chair laughing. You know what I mean? If those girls are not laughing, we've reached the funniest part of the show.

There was a time where you can, one of them starts eating and you're like, she didn't even like the premise because she's willing, she's willing to eat her whole plate of nachos during this bit only because of the premise. She's like, I'm out of this whole thing. Just digs into her plate.

Call me when the punchline hits. I'll come back in on the next one. I'll catch the next ride. That's really funny. So you toured with Segura overseas? Yeah, so it was actually in, we went to Asia. Oh, wow. So it was Tom Segura, Pete Yeah, so it was actually we went to Asia. So it was Tom Segura, Pete Lee, and myself.

And we went over there and did this kind of tour because the guy that owns Acme Comedy Company in Minneapolis where I started, he was born just across the bay from Hong Kong. And so we went over there and he just wanted to show Asia like, please don't have the 90s from Hong Kong. And so we went over there and he just wanted to show Asia,

like, please don't have the 90s of American comedy where it busted, right? The big 80s boom, and then in the 90s it kind of went away a little bit. And he was trying to teach them how to avoid that. So we went over and toured, but God damn it, it was fun. Now, what's the crowd like there?

How does that work? Well, they were different crowds. So Hong Kong was occupied by Britain until 99. So everybody spoke English, all that stuff. And then we went to Macau, which is like the Las Vegas. Okay. And it was a lot of new money from mainland China. And so that was way different, way different.

And then we went to, oh, man, where's the place where they cane you if you spit gum out singapore singapore yeah we went to singapore you don't know that so easily your parents used to threaten you that as kids you were in singapore you get your ass kicked right now i remember what were those those kids who graffitied the car and they got their asses with that's a story that you don't forget that that was like uh yeah that was a moment for me where i was like don't be a punk and i was like don't don't ever go Don't ever go to Singapore. And don't fucking be a dick, because you might get beat up with a Singapore cane. Yeah, we were doing this thing where we'd throw litter

on the ground, and then two of the other guys would dive on it and roll to try to protect the whole group. It was really ridiculous. It was fun. I'd just fuck it. I'd leave it. You see what he did? When it got to my turn to dive, look what he just did. That's a Segura move.

He'd be like, I'll go next, you guys, and then just have the cops on the phone pointing at you. Now, were the crowds, were they mostly Asian or were they tourists? A lot of expats. Yeah. But yeah, some Asian people for sure. I mean, people that live there. I always wonder if comedy translates. Even if you know the language, do you understand, like,

I guess the different humors of it? Yeah. Like, I speak English, but I don't really get American comedy. Yeah, there are some nuances to it, but there was also a time I remember, you know, I was talking about, you know, I needed a new hip,

and I was talking about, would my son, if I would have used the stem cells from my son, instead of letting him be born, would he have made a better hip? Because he almost didn't graduate high school. And so I was discussing the differences. Should I have aborted him and used the stem cells for my leg? And then they shut down so hard.

And I was like, we're in fucking China. Of all people. Yeah, if you're going to talk about- You guys live with kids on the side of a mountain. That's what I'm saying. They were like, you should have said daughter, dude. Like, all people. Yeah, if you're going to talk about... You guys live on the side of a mountain. That's what I'm saying. They were like, you should have just said daughter, dude. You have a daughter, dude?

You should have said... That's what I said. I go, would it have been easier if it was a girl? And they were just like, Jesus Christ. People know about this place? Yeah.

We just thought we were dumb Americans. Wouldn't know anything. What's... I feel like getting the cosign from Segura is a big uh a big deal in the comedy world right now is that like yeah i mean he's dude's on a rocket ship and it should be um he's in here talking about buying a jet last week two weeks ago what an asshole i hope i hope you're listening how'd you link up with him uh just we met on the plane to hong kong oh shit yeah but wait so you were already signed to

to open for him no we uh we just toured it was just a oh just yeah just like a three whole thing yeah so he wasn't this was right like his show and you guys were part of it this was right before he took off got it right before there was one guy at the airport that was listening to his podcast that was like mr segura no way he turned and i listened to your his podcast that was like, Mr. Segura. No way. And he turned and he's like, I listened to your podcast. And I was like, what the fuck? Because I didn't know him either. Right. So I was like, what's going on here?

And he goes, oh, I got this podcast. And, you know, coming out when we get back, Netflix is going to put my special out. And then that, then just rocket ship, right? Yeah. But yeah, so then, but he produced, he's a producer on the special. Right. Because before, so I fired my manager, fired everybody. I had nothing going on.

And I go, I got this hour that I want to work on. So I called him and I go, hey, man, you just want to be a producer on this thing just to give it some legs? And he goes, yeah. And then I got a new manager and a new agency. And they did everything and didn't really need to know, didn't need to ask him for anything. But I still wanted to keep him on because it's, you know, just like handshake stuff. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Have you ever thought about one way to promote the special would have been to die on stage?

Did you hear about that comedian this morning? No. The British comedian? I don't know him. He seemed like he seemed popular. I know Jimmy Carr tweeted about him. He was described as like a comics comic. Ian Cognito?

Mm-mm. I guess he's a British comedian. It's not his like a comics comic. Ian Cognito? Mm-mm. I guess he's a British comedian. It's not his real name, everybody. I think that's his name. Yeah, Ian Cognito. I'm just saying. No, no, no. I know it's a stage name.

I just want to make sure I got even the stage name right. Oh, that would be... But I guess he had a heart attack on stage and just sat down in his chair and... Eight minutes. Friends said eight. I looked it up. I think it was five. But still, the audience laughed for five minutes straight. Thought it was part of the bit. Died. Oh boy.

That's rough. I feel like I would catch on. Five minutes is a long time. This is a fucking eternity. You think you'd catch on, but I go through my divorce, right? My heart is falling out of my asshole, and people are like,

it's going to be a great bit. Nobody really catches on, because everyone's like, oh, you're a comedian. It's going to be a great bit. What if five minutes of silence? That's like a family guy sitting there. Maybe it gets funny again. But I feel like five minutes, I'm like, that guy is not even funny. Also, I don't think you just sit down nice and quiet.

I think if you have a heart attack, you're probably struggling. And then you sit down. I think crowds have been chastised so much by comedians that no one would dare yell out, is this real? Because you fucked up my bed! Right. You're a heckler and I'm'm gonna crush you in front of this there's another guy uh andrew schultz uh he had a woman in his crowd had a seizure in the middle

of the act and uh and he like you know he ran with it and turned it actually some some woman ended up yelling at him for even making light of the situation and she was an emt and he was like wait a minute why the fuck aren't you helping out? Like, get over there. I drew all your attention on him. I guess the person who went through the seizure was actually grateful that she was embarrassed and took it away. But yeah, I feel like dying on stage,

while not ideal, you're going to get a lot of promo. Yeah, if I was you, that's great. If I was you, I'd be like, why don't you die at the end of it? You bring out your kids. That's awesome. That's great. Death might be a little bit better. Speedball right in the arm.

When I'm 70. Go fucking Van Gogh with it, man. If I'm doing a show, man. Just like, I don't know if you know about this. Just tap the needle twice. Tunk. Right in the vein. Definitely.

I mean, once you're old, you should do all the drugs in the world. I think so, too. Right? Like, experience it all. Go out on heroin. Enjoy your last days. What's the first drug you're going to do when you, like, retire? I think heroin.

Yeah. Heroin? Yeah, but I mean, I'm going to need to be old old. I'm going to need to be, like, stuff has to start happening to my body first. Mm-hmm. Because... Oh, you already got the hip, man. I don't want to...

Yeah, but my... You're about to start in heroin now? I got to tell you, my... This new hip hip everyone's like 2019 is such a pain in the ass i've technology this hit when i was in high school i could squat down maybe halfway i can get almost all the way down after i stretch anything happened i just had uh really bad arthritis so dn you know genetics and then of course i ran a lot in my 20s so i think that and i was not good at running i was the guy that you hear running. Of course.

Like, of course. I didn't run fucking shit in my 20s. I just always thought 20s was when people tried. Nah. Well, I think I can speak for us. I think we cashed out in the teens. Yeah. I probably hit 18, 19.

Yeah. That's it. What age do you think you're allowed to let yourself go? Well, I mean, obviously, 42 42 because I'm two years behind everybody. I did just start exercising. I'm still a little sore, actually. Yeah, fuck that. But I'm going to try.

I'm going to give it one more go. I'm dieting. I'm not working out, but I'm dieting. I want to put a bullet in my head. Yeah, dieting is tough, man. Especially with the kids. They're eating fucking cookies in front of me. I'm like, I have a broken toe and I can't eat cookies.

Fuck you, Keegan. One thing I noticed is I almost vomit when I work out. Yeah, I get that too. So eating better is... My body automatically wants to put better food in it because it's like, maybe you shouldn't almost shit your pants every time you lift something. I think I'm allergic to it.

Physically, my body is like... I hate this gym so much. We're rejecting the notion of even being here. Do you run or you just live with it? I've been doing, I mean, I know everybody talks about it, but I've been trying cross. It's like a, you dove in the deep end. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. I've been, I've been doing it. My buddy and a couple of his friends bought a gym and they turned it into that thing. So I just wanted to see what I could do. And my new, my new hip, dude, my new hip is unreal. I can't thing. So I just wanted to see what I could do. My new hip is unreal. Maybe you're all going to go get one. I think my uncle and my aunt both just got their hips replaced too. And I think my aunt healed much, much faster.

But I think they both were like, I was walking in two days. I don't even get it. I think my aunt walked out of the hospital. You got to like slice your whole shit open. I mean, it's like a big bone. Yeah, so they take basically, they take your, they, you know, give you the spinal tap. And then they put your, the outside, so my right leg. So they put the outside of my right knee. They pull it up against your temple.

So it's almost like you're like a G.I. Joe guy where you just have all the flexibility. What the fuck? I know, but then they have easy access. They cut open the front for me. And then they cut off the top of your femur. Holy shit. And then they violently, with a ball-peen hand, they violently pound in this metal. It looks like a wine stop.

So they pound it into your bone, and then that's your new hip, and then they grind out the arthritis in your pelvis and put in like a cup, like a metal cup, and then it's a titanium. That sounds like it hurts so bad. And you're not on heroin right now. Because that seems like the only thing that would be part of the recovery. It is crazy what they can do now. Because I'm telling you, before, when I would golf, I'd have to throw my leg behind me straight

and then just lunge down with my left leg. And now I can get all the way down, just normal squat. It's crazy how much your life's changed. It's unbelievable. I'm so thrilled by it all. You take that shit for granted. get all the way down just normal squat. It's crazy how much your life's changed. It's unbelievable. I'm so thrilled by it all. You take that shit for granted. When you can't even just move around, it's fucking brutal. I told my left hip, I mean, I don't normally talk to my body,

but I told my left hip, like, say one fucking thing. And you're out of here. One hiccup while I'm driving and you're out. Can you drive like girls now? I guess it was your right hip. You know how chicks always drive that? Chicks always have their right leg up driving.

I've always been envious of that. Yeah, there's a tweet that goes viral every now and then. Like, chicks who drive like this will ruin your life. I feel that. You got your old pants on, your legs up all sexy. They'll fucking end you. I get it. I'll take it.

You mix it up in the social media world are you uh as far as well just in general i mean we're addicted to twitter we we're always on it and all that kind of shit just kind of job job stuff yeah but are you just a promo guy or are you like do you do you come and go on twitter or do you live twitter i i think actually comedians don't like twitter because i have seen things get 500,000 retweets that are like, my depression is so gnar. And it's 500,000 retweets. And then you'll write what you think is the funniest fucking thing, 17 likes.

It's just, it's depressing. We have both of those people. Two people you're describing right now. Well, one is yourself. And the other is the person who goes viral with my depression. We have them both in the office. It's Ellie and Francis. And Francis is a stand-up comedian who works for us.

And he crafts his tweets, and he thinks he's got the perfect joke. And Ellie will just be like, ladies, am I right? And it will be like 200,000 retweets. And Francis thinks exactly what you're describing. And he just sits in the corner fucking stewing. He's like, how did she do this? It's interesting, though, because it is, you know, it's much more, it's a different craft, really, where it's like being more relatable

and just like, you know, quick observational shit versus really thoughtful type of punchlines and whatnot. But watching Francis go go literally suicidal these days is quite the scene, man. So the new special is on Amazon? Yeah, Amazon Prime goes worldwide today. Oh, beautiful. I mean, today.

Today. Okay. Dad Channels is the title, correct? Yep. Dad Channels is the title. It's very, very funny. I put the seal of approval on it. You need it from me. No doubt. I think you're going to be hearing a lot more about Chad Daniels.

Do you feel like you kind of are on the precipice of something big? I don't know. I mean, my career has always been on this very, very slow, gradual incline. Same thing as us. Looking for that. Yeah, honestly. We're looking for that pop. But that's also good because the

slower it takes you to get up the slower it takes you to go down you know what i mean i mean you see some guys go straight up and all of a sudden you're like oh fucking grab a shoot dude this did not work out yeah yeah the universe always balances it out you're right so it seems like quick quick up quick down but i just feel like uh been hearing your name more and, you know, I think big things are on the horizon for Daniel. Well, we'll see. Yeah. We'll see. And with college approaching, let's fucking hope.

Yeah, no kidding. What are you going to do? Well, college or therapy. Yeah. I don't think. Come in, man, if I can speak for myself real quick. I don't even think, like, by the time my kids are in college I've said this many times either some sort of

bubble has to burst or you ain't going to college that's it figure it out yourself I would think I mean I can't imagine oh you should just Lori Loughlin this shit what do you think about that I don't even I'm not even smart enough to do that well neither is she clearly it was she

she denied her the initial offer, the initial plea deal, because she thought it was a bluff. And they're like, well, now it's four years. Yeah, Lori Loughlin. It was like two years in jail. And Felicity Huffman was like, deal, sign. And Lori was like, oh, we're going to pass. Thank you very much.

Wow. She said, well, now how about four? All time backfire. Jesus Christ. Yeah. All for your asshole kids. And she's just partying. What's her face?

They were like, there's some headline. Olivia Jade is like partying amidst all this. It's like, well, of course she is. First of all, she's an asshole kid who like was already riding this wave. But if I was on trial and I was about to catch four years and, you know, my daughter's just like hanging out on YouTube and partying and shit, I'd probably go to jail for life because I would kill her. Oh, you thought the college scandal was bad. Well, now I'm a murderer. If I did that and my kids were just I'd hope they'd go.

I'll go to that party. Is the news at the party? Great. I'll go to the party. I don't want to be part of the news anymore. All right, man. Well, thank you so much. Hey, thanks for having me.

Chad Daniels' special is out right now on Amazon. Go watch it. And like I said, be on the lookout for the name because big things are coming. Thank you. Thanks so much.