KFC Radio - Ellyn Carrabis, Do Not Listen To This Episode Ft. Eric D'alessandro

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

Pup Punk Tickets: https://www.etix.com/ticket/p/6489890/barstool-sports-presentspup-punk-new-haven-toads-place-of-new-haven ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ - Jared Carrabis joins us later in the show and makes some appalling confessions - Feits is the Wizard of disgust -The Book of F***ery: - Roland the Farter - How to use a credit card - "get lost adventures" and more Jacqued Up - NFL Week 12 Recap - Ft. an extra edition Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer Jacqued Up - Top 5 Masculine Urges - Voicemails - Grocery store fantasies - 2 hour daylight savings - Cracker Kid returns ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0:00 - Intro 01:15 - Feits is the Wizard of Disgust 27:45 - The book of F***ery 01:00:02 - Jared Carrabis joins us 01:39:04 - Live Show and Pup Punk Info 01:59:06 Jacqued Up (Ft. Rudolf Jacqed Up) 02:17:58 - Top 5's 02:29:04 - Voicemails 02:52:54 - Eric D'alessandro Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Blue Nile, Inc: Go to https://barstool.link/clancy and use code KFC $50 off $500. Cuts Clothing: Head over to https://barstool.link/clancycuts today to get 30% OFF sitewide through December 3rd, and upgrade your wardrobe with their world-famous shirts, joggers, or their all-new outerwear. GMVMT: Go to https://barstool.link/MvmtKFC! Napjitsu: Go to https://barstool.link/napjitsuKFC for 30% off of your first purchase TODAY. Upstart: Go to https://barstool.link/upstartKFC WhistlePig Whiskey: How do you give 100%?! Get your own bottle at https://barstool.link/WhistlePigWhiskeyBSS or at a local retailer.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. So, there's, like, there's, like, this closet in the bathroom upstairs. And I used to jerk off and, like, shoot cum missiles at this closet. And then take a pencil and, mark like i'd be like all right that's a new record I have some ridiculous things, but I think they'll be quick. I don't think it'll be particularly long. Something very funny just happened.

I went into the bathroom without water. And someone else came in behind me and they put this water down on the counter. You got someone's fucking bathroom water? But it's nice and cold and brand new. But that person finished up and walked out and was probably like, where the fuck is my water? It serves them right for bringing water to the bathroom, you fucking hell. It serves me right for drinking it.

It's another edition of KFC Radio. I'm spinning. On the Barstool Sports Network, post-Thanksgiving Day episode. Thanksgiving holiday episode. What's wrong? You're still paying? So what is this salmon you ate?

I got salmon burps right now. Salmon burps? Dude, the level of disrespect for your coworkers is astronomical. I didn't get to the salmon farts yet. Bro, I got salmon farts. Let me see. This is on your Twitter? I don't think I saw this. Yeah, I got salmon farts right now. I don't know if people know this about fish farts. Fish farts are hot and heavy. I think they do

know that about... I think people do know that. No, but they, like, you can, like, there's... They, like, you can feel them in a room. Salmon fart walks into the room. It's like a person came in the room. It's like a joke. Salmon fart walks into a bar. There's, like, a... There's a new presence in the room. It's like a joke. Salmon fart walks into a bar. There's a new presence in the room. It's like a...

Like a ghost? Almost like you can feel it on you? It's like, no, that's a salmon fart. A salmon fart's like a spy linebacker, where it just follows you. It just kind of clings to you and sticks with you. Wherever you go, salmon fart's there. Is the salmon still good if I cooked it on Monday? Yes, unless it smells foul.

It may be dry. I mean, bro, you are... do you why do you need to eat that fucking salmon because it's gonna go bad soon it went bad yeah the potatoes were a little off but the salmon was fine sure sure the fucking the vegetable that can survive forever is gone but the fucking highly perishable fish i'll go with that it was look i'm fine i'm fine i'm gonna be fine. But the... I don't know.

The good thing that came out of it, despite what's about to happen to me, look, worst things worst, I get a little food poisoning, lose a few pounds, I can stand it. Yeah, that's true. But the...

Someone on Twitter, Phil McCracken, I believe, Good friend of mine. Because I tweeted a picture of me eating the salmon and had the skin dripping off of it. Yeah, it's a deplorable picture. And he goes, how did you make this morning?

Oh, that's. I thought that was like a piece of like greens or whatever. No, that's salmon skin. That's the green. That's the gray skin. Yes, the gray skin. Why do salmons have that gray scale? Oh, my God, John.

That's worse than anything. This is worse than anything you've ever done on Lowering the Bar. It looks like a rat. It looks like the Bar. It looks like a rat. It looks like a rat. It looks like a rat hanging from your fucking face. The picture of the rats being hanged weren't as gross as that. Dude. But someone called me, which I think I'd like my new nickname to be, if you're willing to oblige me.

What is it? He said, how did you make this grosser than it already is? You're like a wizard of disgust. You are a wizard of disgust. That is your new nickname. And I don't know where this ends. You've been leaning into the disgust for a while. It started out with your mustache and your aesthetic.

And now you've moved into your burps and your farts and you're just like who you are as a person. There's something – like I agree I've leaned into it, but it's who I always wanted to be. Yeah, that is true. And it's like I always refrained from leaning into it. Now you're living your best self. I was like, dude, it's going to make me drunk. Right. And I was.

So I was like, yeah. But now I'm sober and I can just be disgusting. I was like, yeah, no, this is just what I'm doing. This reminds me of when Dave first got rich, when Portnoy first got rich.

Except the opposite. Yeah, yeah, you are the polar, like all things must be equal in the universe. You are Thanos. Perfectly balanced as all things must be. Portnoy became such an obnoxious,

rich asshole. New money, prick, right? And everyone was like, what theious, rich asshole. New money prick, right? And everyone was like, what the fuck, man? What happened to, like, you know, salt to the earth, like, blue collar barstool? What happened to the guy who used to wait in line for tickets in the snow for playoff tickets? And what happened to the guy? But no one's ever gotten by on doing that one time. One time he waited for playoff tickets and it became his personality for 15 years.

But that was the thing. We were like, yeah, what happened to the guy who would be at the bar? What happened to the guy who would deliver the papers? And he was like, oh, I was never that guy. I was always a rich prick. I just didn't have the money to do it. Now I can be myself now that I have the money. You now have this free pass to be this disgusting person

you always have been. I don't know why I have it, but I have it. Well, I mean, you can just make that decision about yourself if you want to. Like, everyone out there, if you want to be as disgusting as John, you too can do it. Easy. Just do it. Like Nike. Just do it. But you know why people don't do it? Because it's fucking disgusting. And it's off-putting. And

nobody will want to be with you socially, romantically, or professionally. That's why they don't do it. I mean, I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. You're like a spouse who's getting fat and ugly. What am I supposed to do? I signed up till death do us part, and you're fucking disgusting now. Fuck!

Run now while you can, kids. Get out while you can. I'm stuck here, but save your lives. Yeah, man. Get out while you can. I'm stuck here, but save your lives. Yeah. Yeah, man. I don't know. Like, I can't. Remember when I said, and it might be coming to fruition, that I might be a size double

XL in underwear? And you said, bro, I can't work with you if you're going to be a double XL in underwear. I can't work with you if you're going to be the Wizard of Disgust. I can't work with you if you're going to have grayscale salmon dripping from your fucking mouth. That's where the vitamins are. So you have grayscale salmon dripping from your fucking mouth. That's where the vitamins are. So you have to eat the skin. Everyone knows

it's about salmon. So wait, how was your, did you crash Thanksgiving? Yeah, I crashed Thanksgiving. Uninvited? It went fine. Did you notice

that there was just like an extra place set at the end of the table? They're like, we got to wedge John in because apparently he's coming. I noticed there were a lot of, oh, John, you're here. There were a lot of the family. Oh, John.

Oh, so you. So you're still a thing, huh? There was a point during Thanksgiving where I was like, I don't remember this as a kid, this many old people still here. Like as a kid, I don't remember like great aunts being there and shit like that you know what i mean because now there's another generation and like i'm like i don't remember like my great aunt being there when i was a kid and then i was like oh yeah because they were with their they were my age with their and they were off with their own families oh and now people are dead and shit and they're coming back around

yeah i don't think i'm explaining this right. I think this is on me. Yeah. There was a generation that just wasn't there because they were home with their families. Right. And they were doing things with their spouses or their spouses' family and sharing time and stuff like that. And then why are they here now? I don't think...

I can't explain what I'm trying to say. Okay? Am I the idiot? Am I not getting it? No, no, no, no, no. No one's... I'm the idiot. Everyone's going to say. Am I the idiot? Am I not getting it? No, no, no. I'm the idiot. Everyone's going like this. No.

No, no, no. This is me. This is me. But there's something... For whatever reason, there's a bunch of old people there. There's a missing link. Yeah. I don't know.

What else we got? Dude, I will say this. That there... Another thing I'm leaning into, I will say this. That there... Another thing I'm leaning into, I think, is just being dumb. People are trying to have a conversation with me. And this is such a Thanksgiving trope. Like, politics, whatever. There are no fights.

People are just trying to have a conversation. Just regular ass... I dread that. As things happen. Dread that. And I... I go one of two ways with it. I know exactly what you're about to say.

You either completely placate and pacify to play along, or you call them out on all their bullshit and you're a pain in the ass. The exact opposite. I completely agree with that. Right, right, right. It's one or the other. Because I have no beliefs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You stand for nothing. You are a man in the wind. You are nothing but a car wash floaty man. Yeah. Whichever way the wind happens to blow me, I will go that direction. I'm a car wash floaty man holding a sign that says, whatever you think. I'm just here to fuck around.

Like, that's it. You're that guy, that meme with the guy sitting at the table, and it's like, blah, blah, blah, convince me. Yeah. About anything. No, no, no. It's like blah blah blah convince me about anything. No, no, no. It's already convinced. Say something.

I believe you. I think I'm going to get a tattooed on me. Oh no, I'm just here to fuck around. You know what might happen? That's all I think. You might, I think you're going to live to like 117

you've threatened me with this before and when everybody says though like what was his key and they're like he drank a gallon of bourbon every day he smoked a pack of cigs and he had cereal with whiskey but yours is just gonna be like I never argued and that one might be real I'm not even joking around

you might have if you want your wish you better start arguing because the healthiest lifestyle is one of no arguing I swear I'm not even joking around you might have you might if you want your wish you better start arguing brother because the healthiest lifestyle is one of of no arguing but it is like happy wife happy life's not true

you're not happy but you will live longer because you're just like whatever because you won't murder you yeah you're just taking shrapnel the whole time you're just like whatever dude but like

it's such nonsensical stuff where it's just like I had one relative say to me did you hear what Boris Johnson said? And I was like, I was like, we're doing Boris Johnson combos? I was like, nah. And they're like, Boris Johnson says the vaccine doesn't work against the Omicron virus or whatever it's called. And I was like, yeah.

Did you say Yamaka? Well, Omicron. Yeah, I don't even know what that's like. I haven't even heard it said out loud. It's Omicron. I think I'm right. I was in fat life. I was in Fat Life. How do we switch?

How do we go from D to O that quick? We skip G. That's real. We're like, we're just going to pass over that one. Not going to do that China flu thing again. That's fucking one way we did it. Skipped a couple letters that could be associated with China.

But anyway. But I was just like, I'm just here to fuck around, man. You and I, what are we going to do? You and I, what are we going to do, you and I? What are we going to achieve? That's why I don't argue or discuss things with people, because we don't know fucking shit. If Bill Belichick wants to sit down and talk football with me, I'll do that. I'll fucking, I don't really know anyone else who's an expert in their field.

Let's play a game. Two grasslands sit down and talk goaltending, I'll do that. I'm not talking to anyone who's not an expert. Let's play a game. Two grass ones sit down and talk goal tending. I'll do that. I'm not talking to anyone who's not an expert. Let's make a list of all the things you want to talk about. Today? Just like things in general that you would be willing to have a conversation about with like your family. Nothing.

Yeah. I wrote down five fully expecting to write zero. Like, I'm just here to fuck around. Talk to me about fuckery. That's all anyone's an expert in. Just fuckery. Fuckery. What else is there to talk about but fuckery?

No, no, no. There's a lot to talk about, just nothing worth talking about. But it's fucking just idiots talking to idiots about nothing. Right, it's the blind leading the blind. Let's just fuck around. Let's see which ways we want our hands frozen if we had to be. Because that's as fucking engrossing as anything else. It honestly is. That's why ATI works, and that's why I get mad when people are like,

oh, KFC Radio or ATI is like sophomoric humor. Yeah, first of all, yeah. The key, in my mind, the hallmark of someone who's very funny and witty and actually smart is the ability to have sophomoric conversations in a very serious way. And in the end, as we have, as the world has proven, all the people who are like, I'm into politics. It's like, guess what? Now you're the biggest asshole in the room. Like nobody, like you, you have become just as stupid as dumb sports fans arguing about their shit you've become just as dumb as me and you arguing like about do you suck

your dick on your back or standing up because your your arguments are just as stupid and now but you have done it with topics that make you like not fun yeah so now you suck that's not fun is just just be fun. Dude, I was thinking about that yesterday as I was sending cocky tweets about the Patriots, and I was like, I'm kind of a dickhead because I don't tweet when the Patriots suck. And I don't. But it's like when people say, like, oh, you were pretty quiet. I mean, I watch the games, but what am I going to say?

We got our ass kicked. Yeah. Well, that annoys me. You know how I feel about that. Yeah, but what am I going to say? You want me to question Bill Belichick? Be like, oh, what are we doing signing this guy?

Who the fuck cares what I think? We got our asses kicked. I shut my fucking mouth. Guess what? We're good again. I'm done. I'm running my mouth.

When things are bad, I am bad. I am quiet. When things are good, we're fine. I respect a man who wears it. Frank the Tank, that fat, dumb idiot.

He has never been more wrong about something than the New York Mets and Steve Cohen. And he's been trying to shove his shit down my throat forever saying he was right. And the minute that he was proven unequivocally wrong, he owned it. I was like, all right, I respect that, you fat, dumb idiot. Yeah.

I don't have to own up to anything because I wasn't like. Well, that's true. I wasn't like, don't be a jerk so dumb. Why'd he sign that free agent? And that's why you're good. That's why you are good. You're never, you don't have to, you're never gonna, you're also never gonna get the, well,

sometimes you get the satisfaction of being like, I was right, you know, a couple things throughout history, heirlooms and all that shit. Yeah. But, but for the most part, you're never gonna be on the other side of it. I'm back in January, by the way, I've been back to see you then. He's gotta win a ring. I know. But he's not gonna win. He's not gonna win. I know. That's gonna be the biggest L of your career. He's, he's not the,

uh, he, they have more missing pieces. Right. He's not the – they have more missing pieces. Right. He's not the one guy. But whatever. That's a probability. You never know. It's not a no.

Right. It's probably not. Right. It's probably not. I had the – in our day, in the Clancy day, we're like a low-key, maybe medium to high-key white trash. We always have been, you know, big time. You often talk about your love for above-ground pools. Yeah, above-ground pools.

Took the words right out of my mouth. Above-ground pools, our cars throughout the years have been quite white trashy. A lot of our traditions or lack thereof, pretty trashy. This one takes the cake. This holiday was borderline embarrassing. I almost... What was that? What?

No, no. What was that? Let's move on. Is it something with the salmon? Is it something with your dick? You keep looking at your dick. Did you pee your pants? No, I didn't pee.

You peed! Is it cum? I think it might be. I think I have to ask Jackie to leave the room I don't know what we can do in this conversation with her in here

I kind of agree I agree She might leave the room She might have to legitimately earmuff it Why are you coming in your pants I mean it's not

it's not current It's pre-cum No it's old cum Oh okay wait You can sit down It's disgusting You thought I just came right now

I thought you were having like pre-cum in your pants Jesus Christ No I'm not an animal It's disgusting. You thought it just came right now? I thought you were having like pre-cum in your pants or something like that. Jesus Christ. No, I'm not an animal. It's dried cum. That is... This is...

I mean, come on. Come on. We're going to have to have some bar. This is unacceptable. This is unacceptable. We're going to have to have some level of decorum. This is absolutely unacceptable. I don't know.

Oh, my God. Is it? You think it is? That actually, this might actually help your case. That's so much cum, it might not be cum. That might be like powdered donut for all I know. I, you know what's fucked up is like the best way for me to tell this is to touch it. I'm not gonna touch it.

I mean, it's not like I'll touch it. It's... I don't know, man. I don't know. Fuck, I don't know. I saw him look down at his dick and then kind of... Because I had a... I just had my sweatshirt...

I know. I know. ...hanging. I looked down and I was like, fuck, that might be... That might be cum. Did you cum in your pants? On your pants? I don't know, man. I... I. Did you cum in your pants? On your pants? I don't know, man.

I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this. I was going to open a new pair of Sad Boys sweatpants today, and I was like, I'll just wear the ones I bought yesterday. You should have done that. Also, also. All-time regret not opening that new bag of sweatpants. First, number one, all-time regret not wearing a new pair of pants.

Second, all-time regret, just make up anything else. Anything. Be like, I drooled on my pants. Or like, oh, I got food on my pants. So I just spit on it now? That's what you do when you pee in the bed, you know? Just pour it. Somebody must have spilled on there.

Fucking A. You could have said it was the salmon. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, I God. Oh, my God. I got that shot. You said to do it. This is not funny.

You said. I was kidding, and you were like, you should do it. Do not laugh. Nobody laugh. This is not funny. Don't laugh. I was kidding and you were like you should do it do not laugh nobody laugh this is not funny don't laugh stop yeah you're yes Mike is the only one with the appropriate face right now shock and awe and horror

this you're so right because I would be like he's fucking shit face right now he must be drunk but I know he's not so he's just disgusting he's covering up-faced right now. He must be drunk. But I know he's not, so he's just disgusting. He's covering up the cum stains with spit. In real time. On camera!

Oh, God. I mean, I guess this is a great time to say that I bought XXL underwear. I'm flying under the radar. I'm getting away with that one. Let me tell you why. Might as well catch these chips. Okay, I have this is it's a great time to bring that up

because I completely forgive you. But I guess it brings me to a topic I had written down. Roland the Farter. Wait, wait, hang on. Before we get into... Okay. Let me just explain how white trash my credit was. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we really got fucking... Let me just get into that. I just need that on the record. Because... No, no, no Because there was a chance and I've been kind of peppering Kevin Ryan with, he's

my garbage consultant at this point. Like, how garbage is this? And how garbage is that? I just pepper him with tweets and texts. We were going to go out to a restaurant. Which is I think pretty fucking trash. For Thanksgiving? Right? Pretty Oh, right. I thought that was sweet. Which is, I think, pretty fucking trash. For Thanksgiving?

For Thanksgiving. Right? Pretty trash, right? Yeah. What restaurants are open? Well, and that's the worst part, because it's trash no matter what, but I feel like if you go to the right place,

maybe you go to either a very high-end place or you go to a real famous, or this has been around for 200 years or something like that. We were going to go to Artie's on City Island Avenue. Okay? It's not... Like Ardy's? Ardy's. No, Arty. Like Arty. Arty. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And

it's a fine place. What's that? Knock-off Ardy's? Yeah, I'm not trying to knock Arty's. It's a fine place. Just not for Thanksgiving. But my mom is still like hobbled from this double knee replacement. My dad decided go and get sick and it's just me my sister and them so it's just four people uh-huh and but even i was like we're not going out to a restaurant because that makes it even worse just like four people we would show up like dressed like in our fucking slob clothing and the people would be like oh my god the clancy's have hit like rock bottom

they've fallen on hard times. So then we're like, all right, let's cook. But then, and I was okay with this. We're not going to go get like a 20-pound bird. We're not going to do the whole shebang, you know. So we just got a chicken. We just got a fucking chicken, rotisserie chicken. Oh, yeah, chicken's not what you eat.

Okay. Right? So, yeah, it's a turkey. And I also don't get, why do turkeys take like 30 hours to cook and chickens don't? Is it just a size thing? Are we never cooking 30-pound chickens? Is that what's going on I'm gonna say yeah okay I don't know for sure it just seems like those should be more equal but whatever so we're cooking it I'm just gonna show you a picture actually because I think the picture really is the is the best way to convey this because if I explain it it's not that bad but let me uh let me get to my mom's conversation. It was so bad

that she requested the picture so she was like let me have this one for the record books. Just picture everyone else's spreads like the tablecloth that matches the napkin. I'm sure yours is like to the nines, right? My mom's very nice. She goes out and folds the napkins and shit. Oh yeah.

My mom wanted to do, if I interject real quick my mom wanted to do a game with, luckily we talked her out of it, because it would have led to fucking fist fights, where when people walk in, they choose the names out of a bowl in front. Everyone's name is coming, it's in a bowl. Okay. You choose someone's name, and then you choose where that person sits. Oh, God.

Okay? And then on the back of that card, you use an adjective to describe yourself. And at the end, we guess who sat who. I was like, that's gonna be fist fights. And my dad goes, I would put play on mine. And my mom goes,

that'd be a good one to stump everybody. And I was like, this is my point. This is my point. What? What is happening? you put an end to that we took it and then she was like okay fine then you do it and she wanted me to do it all uh-huh and then i got to we had three separate tables and uh i did one it's like a it's like a wedding arrangement where you got to like worry about who's sitting with who right well all the bad people at one table and i was like never mind it's to be very clear what I did. I'm not doing this. And so we went with free-for-all.

First come, first serve. But I'm sure, you know, it was red and it looked like a true Thanksgiving feast. This was the picture we had from our Thanksgiving. Swish. Yeah. Half frozen, half frozen frozen but also burnt pigs in a blanket on top of a pot next to a chicken i don't even know what's in the pot but the apartment is so small and shitty because we're white trash that we don't even have any countertop space or table space so while this was on i think

in the pot was oh the pot was mashed potatoes that were not yet mashed so there was just at one point there was just a bunch of fucking floating potatoes, some half burnt and half frozen pigs in a blanket, and a chicken. And then I look out. It's like the Native Americans dreamed it up. Our shit was probably more similar to a 1400s meal. It probably was like real life. And then I look out to the table, and my mom has regular ass paper towels that she's trying to like fold.

Do a little origami with the paper towels with the bounty? I was like – and she's in like a robe. My dad is like sneezing, and she's like, you got COVID. My sister is like, get me the fuck out of here. I was like, this is something. This one is for the record books, folks. The biggest white trash tale of all time. And then we ate in, and this always happens for everybody's meal,

but you go back for seconds and thirds, but it still ends up being you cook for 12 hours, you eat for like 20 minutes. We ate in like three and a half minutes. We all had like a couple pieces of chicken. I had like one serving of potatoes. We were done. I was like, all right, let's go sit on the couch.

That was that. That was Thanksgiving, huh? That was one of, all right, let's go sit on the couch. That was that. That was Thanksgiving, huh? That was one of the biggest holidays of the year. Christ on the cross. We're talking about podcast. I'm going to go call my therapist. I heard a sad story, and I'm not feeling so good. We will get to your book in a moment.

But first, before we get to that, I got to tell you about Blue Nile. It is the holiday season, which means you're going to have to go out there and get jewelry for somebody in your life and once a year you know you're gonna have to get jewelry for someone whether it's a significant other or your mother or or whoever uh jewelry is always going to be on the list and there's no better place to get it than at blue Nile, the original online jeweler. This can be for high-income individuals. It can be for people looking to just get a nice piece for anywhere ranging from an anniversary all the way up to an engagement. And it's perfect for the holidays, whether you're going to pop the question around Christmas or Hanukkah. How about Hanukkah in November this year?

Early as shit. You've got to start lighting your menorah already. And no matter what it is, Blue Nile has got you covered. The fine jewelry, meaning diamond jewelries, cocktail rings, tennis bracelets. I never understood why they called it tennis bracelets. I always picture

a bracelet with a tennis ball on it. Yeah, I always did that too with little charms. Like a little tennis hanging out. Oh, I was thinking full tennis balls. That would be crazy. I'm going to tell you about tennis in on it. Yeah. I always did that too with like little charms, like little tennis hanging out. Oh, I was making full tennis balls. That would be crazy. I'm going to tell you about tennis in a second. But anyway,

whether you're buying that shit or, you know, if you're buying the big one, doesn't matter because Blue Nile's got it covered when it comes to authenticity,

when it comes to safety and insurance, when it comes to high quality, when it comes to ethically sourced jewels and diamonds. And they've been doing it for a long time, so they've got the credibility, they've got the history. And make the switch over to, you know, people,

one of the last things I think that people have, like, people used to be like, I can't buy, like, my clothes online. And then it's like, yes, you fucking can. And I think jewelry was kind of one of the last things standing you can get your jewelry online you can get diamonds the first thing man you don't know what you're talking about you don't want to go into the diamond district you go to some place that's what you really that's what i really feel like it's fake it's like yeah check this thing out at my like store yeah yeah what were the other spots the fucking mall right like you go to k jewelers in the mall the mall. This is the real stuff. Right.

You talk about nonsense buffoon. So that's why you gotta go to Blue Nile. And they're hooking you up this holiday season. I mean, big time. It's Cyber Week, by the way. Not even Cyber Monday anymore. It's just Cyber Week. And you can get select jewelry for 50% off.

That's half off for select jewelry. Now through Christmas, you also get free two-day shipping. So even if you're one of those procrastinators who waits to the last second, you can get that shit delivered on time. And it is insured. It will ship for free. And it will arrive in discreet packaging just like your porn. Just like my porn.

How about that? You open up the mailbox and you grab. It's like, this is either an engagement ring or a Playboy. My porn, they stopped sending these. I kept requesting. I was like, this is either an engagement ring or a Playboy. One or the other. My porn, they stopped sending these. I kept requesting. I was like, can you stop sending it in discreet packaging? I want it to be clear.

I want it to be in a bag that has a thing that says, this is porn. I want my porn delivered in a howler. Not Blue Nile, though. They are as discreet as it comes. Shop stress-free and find your forever peace at BlueNile.com today. You don't have to worry about any promo codes or URLs because everybody's getting the deal this holiday season. It's BlueNile.com.

Get your shop on. Okay, what did you say? Rolling the Fart or something? What the fuck does that mean? Bro. Rolling the Fart. Just learned about Rolling the Fter in a viral tweet today. Saw it.

Roland the Farter, known in contemporary records as Roland Le Farter, Rolandus Le Farter, or Roland Lepetor, was a medieval flautist, flautist. Okay, hey, I'm going to click that word. He played flute? Played the flute. Roland played hang on, I'm going to click that word. He played flute? Played the flute. Roland played the flute, who lived in 12th century England. Why are we talking about this guy?

Where is this going? He was giving Hemmingstone Manor in Suffolk and 12 hectares, 30 acres, of land in return for his services as the jester. No, no, no, go back to that other one. For King Henry. That's the one. Second, each year he was obliged to perform

unum saltum, unum stifultem, et unum bum bum bum. One jump, one whistle, and one fart for the king's court at Christmas. Roland was such a powerful farter, he was given an estate. That's all-time disgusting.

No, no, wrong. Legendary disgusting. Oh, well, I was going to say you don't even do anything with your disgustingness, but you do. You're successful. You are. You are a modern-day Roland the Farter. Roland the Farter. Can you imagine?

You are Feidelberg the Farter. But I don't fart that often. Well, but fart in this case is like the royal fart. Yes. Ironically, pun included. That means when they write stories about this 600 years from now, they'll be like, Feidelberg the Farter would cum on his pants. He would spit.

He would throw up in his place of work every single day. He would get food stuck in his mustache. I mean, you are a modern man. I don't like the list. That's your list, brother! And that was just off the top of my head. Top fives, let's go. Top five most disgusting things John have ever done?

Jesus, we would need... Well, look at him fart right in the king's face. Yeah, that's an unbelievable... Look at that pose. He's doing this. Well, that's not how you fart, if you, okay, so if you were like Kevin. Look at that pose. Yeah. Look, he's doing this. Well, that's not how you fart? He's got his elbows turned in. Hmm. Oh, Phil, excuse me.

I got to do. I'm going to fart now. One jump, one whistle, one fart. I'm a pretty lady. Have you seen that chick on Instagram who farts? What would you be Kevin the of? Kevin the blank. Um, I mean, you tell me. I feel like that's something for other people to decide about you. Kevin the blank. I mean, you tell me. I feel like that's something for other people to decide about you.

Kevin the cancelled. Yeah, I like that. Kevin the... Because I'm never cancelled, but I'm always cancelled. Yeah. I have about the success level of someone who's been cancelled without ever being cancelled, I feel like.

He's not really... I'm not really getting much higher. He must've been canceled, right? Nah, I tried. They tried. They didn't succeed. He just, he just hasn't gone any higher. That's about it. That, that, this motor tops out at about 55, you know, like the governor was welded on.

Um, so wait, so you're also just going to be like a disgusting? Well, no, I don't know. I would call you like Kevin the Fire. Like that? Yeah. I like that. Like you spit fire and rage a lot. Okay, okay.

I like that. Kevin the Fire is, I think, a good one. Because, actually, I just mumbled it so that it actually sounded like Kevin the Farter. So, Kevin the Fire. The Fire Farter. The Fire and the Fart, and we come together like Captain Planet. And we explode. Yeah.

Yeah. And it stinks. The Fire and the Fart. And it fucking stinks. We're like Big Vinegar and hue honey the fire in the fart yo we need like a trig cartoon of this you know wow i like i like the fire i do like that i i i don't know if it's gonna get better than this but i want to as as you were bringing this up i say we pose it to our fans to tweet at us with uh what you think we would be but i don't know if you're

gonna get better than the fire and the fart. That sounds like a Harry Potter book. Like Harry Potter and the fire and the fart. This is a scary movie version of a Harry Potter book. Yeah, exactly. Damon Wayans is in it. And in the end... He's signed on. He's contractually

obligated. Anytime a scary movie is referenced, he has to do it. He could be like... Rich Beyond His Wildest Dreams and like Good, Retired, and he's like, fuck, I have to do this. Someone's on a medium of media. I have to. I have to go suit up now. And we vanquish the bad guy in the end by, like, I'm all alone, and I've got the fire, and the bad guy's about to kill me, and the fire's not working, and then you, like then you show up at the last second and you're like, I got this.

With our powers combined, the fuck would you light a fire? So I come in and I'm like, storm. You're like, I've got the fire but it's not big enough to burn him. And I'm like, this is it for me. The fire wasn't enough. And then you come,

your hand breaks through the rubble and you put your mustache out and it's the rubble. You put your mustache out. It's the farter. The farter's here. I got salmon skin hanging from my mouth. There's like a pile of cum next to you for some reason. And you can't even get all the way out of the rubble. You just turn yourself upside down.

You put your ass through the hole of the rubble. And you fart through the rubble. And we blow up the bad guy. And the fire and the fart wins. Go to bed, honey. That's your fucking bedtime story. I like that a lot. That was very good.

Story time with KFC Radio. We are all over the fucking map. Yep. Okay, next topic. Technically, by the way, this is one of our last what? One, two, three, four, like last eight or ten episodes of the year, right?

Yeah. So I think I just want to say close on a strong note here. Okay. Last episode of 2021, the fire and the farter. It's like the fighter and the kid. The fire and the farter. Okay, let's see here.

Had an idea yesterday. This is sure to be stupid. At the Patriots game. After last call at sporting events, you know how they close early all the time? Yep. They should still serve non-alcoholic beer. Because you're already drunk, you won't even really realize. You just can still get drunk.

That's a great idea for them. Tell them what for the consumer. But you're saying if you would run in the business. Well, but you're not even saying it's fake. You're telling them it's non-alcoholic beer. No, I know. It's kind of like a... Would you pay for that, though?

Fuck yeah, I would. I drink non-alcoholic beer now. It's fucking good. Right, but you're an idiot. I think that's what people are missing, is that I drink both. But I drink... If they don't have non-alcoholic beer, I just's freaking good. Right, but you're an idiot. I think that's what people are missing is that I drink both, but I drink if they don't have non-alcoholic beer, I just drink regular beer. It throws witches for a loop every time.

Absolutely. Have you ever been a non-alcoholic? No? Then I'll take the alcoholic, please. Bro, sometimes I'll be like, alright, I'll just do a glum. You know what? You should start doing that. They think that was like the only hurdle keeping my sobriety in check. Absolutely. For sure.

I'm about to send this guy back. Ryan Long did a skit that was very funny. He went around in New York City, and he was like, Hi, I have a friend who's trying to quit drinking, and I just want you to give a couple of words of encouragement to not do that. And they're like, wait, what? He's like, yeah, he's trying to quit. We don't want him to quit.

It's awful. Just make him not quit. And they're like, why would you want to do like, yeah, he's trying to quit. We don't want him to quit. It's like awful. Just make him not quit. And they're like, why would you want to do that to your friend? Because it's not fun. He's a lot more fun when he's drunk. And everyone's like, what is happening here? Why would you do that? It's very good.

But yeah, because it's like, what's the word I'm looking for? Like a placebo? Placebo, there it is, yeah. Well, no, I get what you're talking about, but most people don't want to pay like $9 for a drink that does nothing and doesn't really taste that good. It tastes good. It tastes like beer. I know, but I don't drink beer for the taste.

Oh, I like beer. Yeah? I like beer. I like beer. I drink beer, man. I still like beer. I drink beer and I eat pussy. Okay, that's just a free idea for everybody.

Okay, I read an article lately. You know, by the way, we need to name this segment. The book has been, maybe we just call it the book or something, but the book's been on fire recently, and we just need the second ad of the day we bring to you like Final Books. It's just complete and total nonsense. Yeah, it's nonsense. You know what it is?

We'll call it the fuckery. The fuckery. All right, yeah. Book of fuckery or whatever. Okay. How do I use a credit card? How what? How do I use a credit card?

Oof, not good at that. Not good at that. Because now I have two. And I'm like, well, which one do I use? When I go to pay, how do I choose which credit card I'm supposed to give them? I don't have a credit card. I have a credit card that I only use for big purchases. Because I know American Express will go to bat for you if you

book an expensive trip and then they cancel it on you or something like that. American Express will be like, we'll reimburse you and we'll fight the hotel or whatever it is. They're known for good customer service, and also if there's fraud. I know a lot of people use it because of the points and all that.

But here's the thing. You and me, we're not points guys. No. We're just not. Not a points guy. I mean, I got points. If you made points exceedingly easy, I might use them. But I just get points, right?

This is what I mean about we're just here for fuckery. Because this is like two people who don't know about credit cards. And also, you know what? What's your idea on the Omicron virus? This all comes full circle to expenses. Why we don't do expense. Because here's what we do in our lives. You want to know how we operate financially?

I want something. It costs money. I will give you the money in exchange for it. That's it. I'm not buying it on credit. I don't want to pay it later. I don't need to get points. I don't need to pay it later. I don't need to get points. I don't need to get free incentives.

I just, here is the money in real time for the goods or services, and that's all I want to do. And if I need it, I will pay for it. I don't need someone else to pay for it, even if they will. And that's it. So all these people who are like, well, if you buy everything, you get the points, and then you can go on a trip or whatever. It's like, I'm not going to do that.

Yeah. Why don't I just pay for the trip? Exactly. You want to go on a trip? You pay for the trip. And then the haters will rebut us saying, but you could go on that trip for free. And I'll say, yeah, but it's a whole thing. Yeah, it's a whole fucking thing.

I'm sure you have to call or email or somebody to be like, I want to cash in all my points. And that's a whole thing. Also, it's like you got to accrue or email or somebody to be like, I want to cash in all my points. And that's the whole thing. Also, it's like you got to accrue like two million points to get like a t-shirt. Is it that much? No, but you know, it's one of those things where it's like, this is not the episode to be doing things under the table. I felt a lump. It's your testicles.

You know, like Dave used to like, Dave got off on his points. He had the most points in the history of American Express. He never wanted to spend them, though, because he just wanted more and more points. It was a storyline straight out of Seinfeld. It's a genius marketing scheme by credit card companies. Sure. I got a good amount of points.

Absolutely. I want to be number one. I want a high score. I want the most points ever. Let's look at how many points you need to get these things. Can you zoom in? Travel Porter. No, that's... Okay, so 50,000 chase points. I can't even read this thing.

This is not making any sense here. Yeah, I mean, four cents per point. Okay, so that's what we're... We are now at a point where we're talking about pennies. And I've got to do four cents per point. I'll throw them in a we're... We are now at a point where we're talking about pennies. And I've got to do four cents per point. I'll throw them in a well before I do anything with a penny. So that's the thing. It's like... And even the Apple

card I've been considering getting. The Apple card apparently, I think, does something where it's like if you spend it, they just give you like a 2% cash back on like basically a 2% discount on like everything. Which is just like, I could just get 2%. This just costs 2% less. That like, or like basically a 2% discount on like everything, which is just like, I could just get 2%.

This just costs 2% less. And that's just not enough for me to sign up for a whole new card and shit. You know, 50 talking card, her card holders earn 3% daily cash on Apple purchases, 2% made with Apple pay, but like,

you know, daily cash. So they're just giving you cash back. That sounds awesome. But like, I'm just not going to do it. You know what also happens? You and I are responsible, and we will spend

money that we don't really have. At the end of the month, it's like, oh man, my bank account is looking fat. That's because you put all of your expenses on this credit card. Now you have to pay $7,000 up front. How did you work in money? I didn't. You worked in money? Well, I didn't.

I mean, you worked in money, right? I worked in Excel, bro. I made puzzles, okay? I made big jigsaw puzzles. All I know how to do is how to explain the very base of what people do. Why? What, are you talking shit to me

like I'm saying something wrong here? I don't have the knowledge to tell you you're wrong. I just don't feel like I'm talking to a financial expert I don't have the knowledge to tell you you're wrong. I just don't feel like I'm talking to a financial expert. There's no wrong or right. I don't feel like I'm talking to an accountant. No, but I'm saying there's no wrong or right to saying that when you spend money on a credit card,

you're going to have to pay that bill eventually. And I don't like that. I would rather pay as I go and know where I stand. Because if all of a sudden... That's what I mean. I do that all the time. I got the money there. Because I don't want to all of a sudden it's like, that's what I mean. I do that all the time because it's like, I don't want to all of a sudden get hit with a fat bill. Cause it's like, cause that shit snowballs.

That's my main problem. I guess other people don't maybe experience this. I, things get out of hand real fast where all of a sudden it's like, Oh my, my Verizon bill, my garage bill, the kids bill,

this bill, all this hit. And I put it all on a credit card. And now guess what? I don't have the money to pay that. That's not a good thing. So I don't like that. It's almost like I cut myself off. It's like, to me, credit cards are like heroin.

I'm not going to try it, because I'm going to like it too much. I'm going to get hooked on that shit. I'll be like, it's free! By the way, heroin doesn't appeal to me. Really? Yeah. Who doesn't think that heroin sounds good? I don't think it sounds good. It's only been described as the greatest feeling in the world.

You just fall asleep. You gotta do the right amount of heroin, I guess. Do a little bit of heroin. Do a smidge. Downers don't appeal to me. Heroin just doesn't do one. You are an alcoholic. You're an alcoholic.

That's a huge time depressant. I just drank one. It's a downer. Different. But it's a downer. Yeah, but it downs the part of your brain that says there's a problem. It downs what needs to be downed.

Yeah. That's what alcohol does. It's an accurate downer. It's a Steph Curry of downers. Sniper. But what I was going to say was the... It was like... When I open my wallet, it's like Bill Belichick yesterday,

there were two penalties on the Titans on one play. Both five-yard penalties. So in reality, it doesn't fucking matter which one you take, which one you decline, which one you take. But I bet Bill Belichick thinks that he knows some shit. There's a reason why. Where he's like, actually, we'll take the illegal formation. And when I'm just like, I don't give a shit.

They're the same. You just take this. So I just have no idea how to use credit cards. That's basically all I'm saying. Yeah, well, you're an idiot. It's not that I don't know how to use them. It's that I choose not to use them. There's a difference, folks.

So don't lump me in with as dumb as this guy is. Okay, last one. Actually, I might be even dumber, though. Last one here. I read an article. Oh, boy. It's never good when you start with that. It's about this new vacation fad called Get Lost.

Do you want to go with me? I can already tell that I hate this idea and let me guess it's something like you close your eyes and you don't even know where you're going you get on a plane

yep yep yep I've heard of these kind of things and I've said this before I don't know if I've said it on the record here though it is the last thing on earth I want to do

I can't think of something that appeals less to me the whole time I was reading it I was like this is the opposite of Kevin and your dream and Kevin's fucking nightmare. It is. It was, honestly, it's called Get Lost, and

as I was reading the article, I was like, this is the opposite of Get Out. The movie. Because it is, this guy, a well-to-do white British man, was dropped in Africa, and he just had to get himself home. And I was like, oh, this is just the opposite of getting out

this is get lost and this sounds good to you it's dude so wait this is even worse is it like survivalist oh yeah I thought it was a vacation where they're like

we will book it for you you get on a plane and you literally don't know where you're going and then like a surprise so this is you want what

bro it sounds let me tell you the things that you don't get when you get dropped in a fucking forest in Africa and you have to survive you don't get ice cream you don't get peanut spicy peanut butter and jell that you don't get when you get dropped in a fucking forest in Africa after five. You don't get ice cream.

You don't get spicy peanut butter and jellies. You don't get fucking dip. You don't get porn. You don't even have pants to come on. All of the things you love most in this world, you just don't have. These are probably all things I could do without for a little while. It is... It's not a movie, you dummy.

No, it's not a movie. It's by a company called Black Tomato. That was one of our worst Googles ever, Paps. Come on. The guy. Ultimate Adventure Challenge, John? Bro, I love shit that makes you. No, you don't.

When was the last time you went on an adventure challenge? You let me finish. That makes you feel like. Wait a minute. What are you wearing today? What is that? Is that his? Are you going to see that?

You wore today? Yeah. This jacket? You wore this today. You're just doing this to piss me off? You're doing this... No, that's the jacket I got on the beard extravaganza. I mean, this is stupider than I even envisioned.

That just caught my eye. First of all, is this made for a lady? No, it's a man's jacket. I actually really like the cut of this jacket. It's just heinous. No, it's fucking tight. No, it's not! It's a fucking nice jacket.

This is something that like a fucking... I don't even know who would wear this. Who would wear this? I said a maid who was fired by a rich heiress and stole a jacket on the way out the door. Like that. Yeah. Like that. Or I also said a young man who dresses a homeless person for Halloween, but his parents made

him put one of their coats on before he went out because it was cold. It's cold. It's going to catch a cold. Yeah. This is so bad. And you're wearing that's cold. He didn't catch a cold, yeah. This is so bad. And you're wearing that with this today? I had a hoodie on, yeah. God, I just hate you.

Just go on your adventure and die in the woods, please. So how about this, right? So while this guy's on the adventure, they don't take your phone, but they encourage you to take the SIM card out of your phone. They'll let you have it so you can take pictures and stuff like that. And, uh, but then they just give you, like, a sleeping roll and you just sleep on the ground. You're in the desert in Africa. Or you

can go a bunch of different places, but this guy happened to go to Marrakesh. And, uh, and while he's sleeping, these fucking natives wake him up in the middle of the night. They give you an SOS phone alright and

so you're never like in danger yeah that's what I mean I like shit that makes you feel like a fake man yeah where I finish that I'm like yeah

I am all this man I can survive they're like dude we were 20 feet behind you the whole fucking time I'm bringing you on McDonald's like Michael when he goes into the

into the woods and Dwight's right there yes like that that I like I don't want to go by myself by myself right but the so he sent them a text afterwards goes into the woods and blights right there. Yes. Like, that I like. I don't want to go by myself by myself. Right.

So he sent them a text afterwards, after the guys woke him up, like, what the fuck are you doing? And he's like, hey, am I safe? And they just didn't reply. They said they would reply to important text messages. So stupid shit like that, they're going to let you, like, suffer?

But they told him afterwards, they were like, yo, yeah, we were real worried about that so we reached out to like we have you know they were worried about what the situation he was in yeah okay well and what because it was like eminent danger they were they're like why are you fucking like waking up at like four o'clock in the morning being like what are you doing and like you're in the middle of the desert and they're like they're like but we have contacts with all like the local tribes and shit so they're so they can't like see what you're doing on this guy where you are but they don't like see what you're doing? On this guy? They know where you are, but they don't know like...

They, mostly they just have a GPS. This guy, because he's a writer for the New Yorker, they had, they were, they didn't tell him until afterwards, but they were like,

we were 500 yards behind you the whole time. Okay. Because I was thinking like, okay, good, you have a fucking GPS phone, but what if you like fall and hit your head and then like,

you know what I mean? You're supposed to be at checkpoints every few hours. Got it. Okay, so it is, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fake shit. Right. It's fake shit. No, but that's a cool way and then like, you know what I mean? You're supposed to be at checkpoints every few hours. Got it. Okay, so it is. It's fake shit. It's fake shit. No, but that's a cool way to be like,

it's fake, but like not, you know. It's like walking across a fucking tightrope with a bungee cord. I think you're into it now. No, no, no. And then at the end,

they're also, by the way, crazy expensive. I'm sure. Up to like $15,000. I'm sure. And at the end, you get like two days

in a luxury hotel. Right, right, right. This is something that I hate, I loathe, yet I would not have any problem being like the head of this and just get dumb white people to give me their money. Right. Because this has white people all over it. Like this is the whitest shit of all time. This is definitely how white people die. Yeah.

This is the kind of shit. I went on a get lost trip in Afghanistan and a Taliban came at me. Can you believe it? Yeah. Yep. Yeah, sure. This is something I feel like people do to, like, prove to themselves that they still got it, though. You know what I mean?

Like, you go through a midlife crisis and you're like, I could still, if need be. Like, I think about this all the time like if disaster strikes and if there's like a tsunami or a fucking you know a sandstorm or whatever that's like barreling down and we all gotta run like i think i would i would just be like i can't run guys i don't know yeah i can't do it oh you know what happened to me i proved to myself i still got it by falling down the stairs i fell down the stairs the The way we all do. I have these thoughts. I am honestly surprised you didn't break your hip. So here's what, this is what I'm saying.

I have had so much shit wrong with me that I do have a thought of like, if something goes wrong and I need to have another surgery, like, or like if something goes wrong, I will need to have another surgery, you know? And I fell down the stairs. I fell down the stairs so hard that my old neighbor, the old people who lived downstairs, they came and checked on me. It was so loud and such a fall that I had the old people checking on me. And I was like, this should be reversed. I fell so fucking hard that as I was up in the air, I was looking up at the sky and I was kind of like, this is what I'm talking about.

In a split second, I'm going to break something, I was looking up at the sky, and I was kind of like, this is what I'm talking about. In a split second, I'm going to break something, and I'm going to need surgery. And I'm good. I'm all good. Here's what happened. I fell in the middle of my back where I got some meat on it. Had it been my tailbone, dead. Done. And I hit right here.

That's going to have a big bruise. But if it was my elbow, I would have shattered my elbow. And if I hit my head, I'm not kidding. I fell hard enough that like if I hit my head, I think I would have like fractured my skull. I was fucking going, dude. I don't know what happened. It was just gravity just sucked my ass down. And I hit and I went.

Suck my ass. Suck my ass down is not a phrase I literally I just went fuck I screamed fuck as loud as I could but then I was like

makes you feel so much better yeah I was like okay I was like I'm in an immense amount of pain but we're good I still got it if something bad happens

I still got it but then actually kind of to even things out, when we signed Max Scherzer earlier today, I started punching Glennie out of excitement, and I like jammed my wrist. I was like, I can't even play fight anymore.

So Glennie, he's an immovable object. Let me tell you what. You jammed your wrist on a pillow? No, no, no. Where did you hit Glennie that was punching a brick wall? Yeah, it wasn't really. Yeah, you're right. But it wasn't like that would be if I hurt my knuckles,

but it was like my wrist because he is more of a pillar than he is a pillow. Let me tell you what. He's a statue. But some people need to go into the Serengeti to prove they got it. Just throw yourself down the stairs. Roll yourself down the stairs, and if you're okay, you still got it. And if you're not, you're going to the hospital. That's a risk for you.

Ooh, feel alive. Throw yourself down the stairs. Dude, I fell down the stairs this summer, and it was just like, I think I told you this, where I just slipped and went down, and I heard the trash truck coming. It was like 6 a.m. I heard the trash truck. I was like 6am I heard the trash truck I was like fuck I had to bring the trash out so I ran downstairs

and I slipped down the stairs in socks and then I had to go still bring the trash to the trash guy and I was just like hobbling he's like could you hurry it up I was like could you fucking suck my ass down I just fell down the stairs dude shut the fuck up

I'm in underwear and socks. Why don't you relax? It'll get there when it gets there. But speaking of dying, one last thing to say. Oh, speaking of dying had me on two things. One, when I went to the Patriots game yesterday, the guy who was doing the security, like the last, like you know if you kind of set this security thing off,

they kind of wandered down. He was in a wheelchair. I thought that was funny. Yeah, it's like, what are you doing here? If I get to the stairs, I'm good. Yeah, you're not catching me. Hey, he's a nice fellow, he seemed like. I mean, I didn't get wanded down.

Actually, maybe the opposite, though. Like, maybe that, you know, sometimes those guys in the chairs can maneuver. Like, if they're hitting, like, top speed, they're probably faster than you and I are. You think so? What about me? What about you? I don't know. I haven't run in fucking 10 years.

I don't know. I could just see him be like, ah. The cripple's not going to catch me. And then he's just like. He's backwards. He's spinning around. Like, you done yet? Remember the story that Foley told when he tried to outrun the cabbie?

And he was just going backwards and reverse. Like, are you done? Can you pay your fee now? And the last thing, Virgil Abloh. Bro, that was crazy. I'm making a solemn promise right now. Oh, God.

Is this going to offend? No, I don't think so. It appears to be coming trendy. I will never suffer in silence. Never. I said this I said this yesterday I I

and bro I've made a podcast out of whining about the littlest life in what's the word I'm looking for inconvenience inconvenience

I was gonna say inconsistencies the littlest inconveniences that's all I do if I have fucking stage 4 cancer if I have cancer this, this becomes a five episode a week podcast. This podcast is called I Have Cancer. Welcome to I Have Cancer, where I tell you all about how I have cancer. Everybody, everybody is knowing.

Everybody, every day is finding out all about my cancer. The first 15 minutes of this podcast where I have a rum-rum in my tum-tum. So you better fucking believe if I'm on chemo, I'm not shutting my fucking pie hole up. I said this in the one minute, man. Could you imagine? Could you imagine? Let's say he was 38 when he got the deal. He became the first ever black artistic director at Louis Vuitton, you know, came from like the streetwear world to like Louis Vuitton.

He's like trailblazing all this shit. He puts out a pair of sneakers. People don't like them. And they are like incessantly mocking him on social media because they don't like the colors of his sneakers and shit like that. You're sitting there reading this while you're getting fucking chemo and radiation and then you're just like, okay, I'm not going to say anything.

Are you fucking insane? Oh, you don't like my shoes? I have cancer. I'm sorry, you think that they look like it's a rip off of the Jordan 3? I'm going to be dead in a year. Fuck you. Once I die in six months, you'm going to be dead in a year. Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah, bro. Guess what?

Once I die in six months, you're going to wish you bought these ugly sneakers because the fucking value is going to go. Also, that's the thing. And I don't know if he has. I would probably do this under a Walter White facade of doing it for my family when I'm really just doing it for me. A cancer retirement tour when you sell something that's like if Virgil was like I'm gonna be dead soon these are like one of the last three sneakers I'm ever gonna design oh yeah yeah yeah like you're selling shit that's like you're never gonna get to see this again but that's the difference between dirt bags like us. Dude, I don't think you deserve that. I want fucking... I think I deserve

attention for my future cancer. Okay? I'm gonna have it. I'm with you. We're all gonna have it. I deserve attention for my future cancer. No, no, no. You gotta get it soon. We've done this before. Actually, you were on the other side of this. Do you remember? No.

We talked about what constitutes a, a, not crisis, a, um, tragedy. Tragedy.

Oh, right. And you were, you basically said like, you had to be like an eight year old. Oh yeah. No, I stand by that.

But then no one's gonna give a fuck about your cancer. Oh, well, everyone will cause they're all wrong. What? They'll all give me attention cause they think it is a tragedy. I don't think it's a tragedy. Okay.

But I can still profit off it. Sure. But people might think that that's scummy to say. If I'm profiting off of my cancer, that's fine. I'm not trying to profit off anyone else's. I'm trying to profit off my own drip. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if I was like, yo, John's got cancer.

Buy our tickets. Even that's okay, because come on. Fuck yeah. But, like, if I was saying that about someone else, that would be fucked up. But for me, like I've always said, the best part about podcasting and doing content is when bad things happen, you get to make profit off it, or you get to make content out of it. Like, oh, I got that cancer.

I'm going to get those views off. Don't get me wrong. I respect the Chadwick Boseman's and the Average Lobos way more than I respect myself. Way more. But I will be doing it a different way. Yeah. You can go ahead, rest assured. I'll be handling the situation a teensy bit different.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'll be recording during chemo. Because people are like, we got to see this shit. You're going to see me throwing up. I'm going to do it daily. I've had fucking dreams. Literal dreams. Like when my fucking eyes

close and my brain can go wherever it wants, I dream about you and I doing a podcast, and I'm in one of those biohazard rooms. And you're on the other side. Oh, guess what? I'm not even coming. Fuck you. I'm going to leave you out to dry. Why? Because that's an even better cancer story, John.

No, bro. My podcast partner doesn't even come to see me. That's how bad my cancer is. Bro, I fucking, but like, those episodes, those fucking YouTube fucking fucking fucking things, the fucking mixtures, bro, with the one fucking Zoom cord going out, you sitting there on a fucking fold-out chair, me in bed fucking podcasting my ass off

like this. Maybe a puke here and there. You're all going to make so much goddamn money off me. How about this? Ready? Let me set the scene. This isn't offensive, by the way. I can see Zach's face. It's our cancer. It's our cancer. It's my fucking hypothetical cancer.

This is how I'm treating my hypothetical cancer. Let me set this scene for you. We're going to go so viral, make a billion dollars. John's doing chemo, and his fucking hair is falling out, and his mustache is falling out. Oh, never mind, dude. Never mind. No cameras allowed.

And no, but I'm going to do the classic. I'm going to shave your head, and then I'm going to go shave my head in the middle of it. Oh, yo, yo. No, but I would do like a fake out. I'd be like, you know, doing it and we'd have like the piano music and I'd be like, Sike!

No! I would be so fucking mad. I would cry because I'd be like, you look disgusting. Dude, if somebody ever shaved their head for my cancer, I would be like, we're no longer friends, you dumb bald idiot. This is my attention. Not only that, it's my attention. It's just like, we're no longer friends, you dumb bald idiot. This is my attention. Not only that, it's my attention.

It's just like, there's no reason for you. Guess what? That's not making my hair grow back. Now we both just look ugly. Now we both look like we're dying. Fucking idiot. And now people are going to say, oh, you have cancer too? Right.

No. And they're going to go, oh my God, that's so fucking nice of you. They're going to forget about my cancer. The people who shave their head for their cancer patient friends and families are the most selfish people on the planet. They're almost as bad as people who give away their fucking organs to nobody. Yes, that's all it is. Because think about it. When they say why, why

yeah, you're Oh, I was selfish of you to lose some hair follicles that'll grow back. How about me losing my fucking white blood cells? Focus on me! what could what could somebody do to actually make you feel like uh hey rocket feel what would you do if i had cancer would you shave your head for me if i had cancer yeah all right good thank you thank you come on

down the rocket's here it's brought to you by... The Rocket is here because he's a part of the movement. The movement. Because he always likes to look swaggy. He's always coming dropping. He's maybe not wearing leopard print lady jackets, but he's

always... Is that a leopard? I've been unable to decide what animal this is. What animal is that? Jaguar. Could be a jaguar. Could be a jaguar. In the words of Jackie, a jaguar. Oh, we gotta do jacked up. We gotta do jacked up. This is gonna be a long-ass podcast. Did you guys steal my fucking

belt, by the way? What belt? No. I don't know. I saw it on the YouTube channel. No, no, no. That was brought... That was a gift by Joey Langone, the Million Dollar Man. Not everything's yours, Rocket. I mean, I bought YouTube channel. No, no, no. That was brought. That was a gift by Joey Langone, the Million Dollar Man. Not everything's yours, Rocket. I mean, I bought that for Dave, and I have no idea where it is. Well, that was your first problem. I bet they made a couple of them.

I also think, I know where yours is, in the garbage from like five years ago. I think it's probably just like chilling in his office. He doesn't care about gifts. No, he doesn't care about you. He doesn't care about anything. The Rockets part of the movement. You should be too. This holiday season, you need to get a good gift

for the men in your life. And that's always hard because people are like, I don't know what to get for the man in my life. It's like, aka, you just don't want to even give it one ounce of thought. Because if you know a guy, there's a million things. You know his sports teams. You know the TV shows he likes. You know what he wears. Max Scherzer.

Happy fucking holidays sports teams. You know the TV shows you like? You know what he wears? Max Scherzer. Happy fucking holidays from Uncle Stevie Cohen. From me to you, Jared. But if you can't afford $130 million over three fucking years, and you can't spend $265 million on your baseball team, but you can afford

a nice watch, and maybe some nice sunglasses, maybe some nice spectacles but you can afford a nice watch and maybe some nice sunglasses, maybe some nice spectacles. You can go to Movement and get all that stuff now. Right now, for the holiday season, they are doing a discount for everybody. When you go to MVMT.com slash KFC, be the big winner. All of these start at just $95. You can get multiple pairs of sunglasses, all the watches.

They have big faces, small faces. They come in men's and women's. They have color. They have monochrome. They have the leather bands, the metal bands. They've got everything for you. Super sleek, super clean, and they won't break the bank. That's what Steve Cohen's doing.

He is doing it. Join the movement today. Go to MVMT.com slash KFC. The Rocket is back from the dead. Hey, Kevin. Hey, Rocket. No hi from me. I mean, it's our thing.

We have a thing where we say our names stupidly to each other. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a better thing. How are you, pal? I'm all right. How'd your meeting go? Which one?

The one you just came from. It was fine. It was a Colin Poppy meeting. Did you get 130 million over three? No, I didn't. And it didn't go as well? It didn't go as well as? The one you just came from. It's fine. It was a Colin Poppy meeting. Did you get $130 million over three? No, I didn't. And it didn't go as well? It didn't go as well as it could have. Are you excited right now? Yeah. Are you super depressed about the offseason? In general?

No. Oh, yeah. In general. Well, it's November. I was talking to Devlin about that. I was like, you just got to get to December 1st. Season ends and then you've got four weeks. Don't kill yourself. Get to December 1st and you're good. Why? like, you just got to get to December 1st. Season ends and then you've got four weeks. Don't kill yourself. Get to December 1st and you're good.

Why? Why what? Why are you good on December 1st? That's when you're in the clear. You start thinking about Christmas

and it's more cheerful. So you got like a day. You're good. You made it. You got like 24 hours. Yeah. Today's make or break. We're going to see

how it goes. Rocket's either going to make it or he's going to be hanging from the ceiling. No, today's make or break. We're going to see how it goes. Rocket's either going to make it or he's going to be hanging from the ceiling. No, that wouldn't be the method. How would, what would be the method?

I don't know. Now we're getting into the meat of it. I'll perk up here. Sleeping pills. Pussy. Are you a chick? I'm worried about

who's going to clean up the mess. Fuck it. Send the biome team in. I'm going to slit my wrist in the bathtub. Oh my God. Take your fucking tampon out. By the biome team in. I'm going to slit my wrist in the bathtub. Oh my God. Take your fucking tampon out. That's a sneaky,

really messy way to go about. Well, that's, it is if you, it's not really if you do it right. Well, I mean,

you still, look, when you drain the water out of that, someone's got to scrub that tub, that tub's red. You think?

Fuck yeah, man, that blood doesn't come out. You know what you got to do is you got to make, you got to make the, the blood just comes out of coming out. You know what you got to do is you got a giant you got to make the Blood comes out of the diners. That's true

Anyways, how about you come up with a cool way to kill yourself? Let's do that again. How would you do it Jared? Oh teacher cannon Tell you what I almost I almost lost my life that's you sure can I I almost To believe that that was one take but it had to be yeah No, I mean well we how did everyone just, do exactly what they were supposed to do on him? Except for Frankie. Frankie missed the putt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And did you see the drone guy saying that he blew his ball with the drone?

He was like, it's not Frankie's fault. You know, the propellers, like, blew the ball. What? That might have... Shut up, Nick. No, we're making fun of Frank. We're making fun of Frankie. When they were testing it the night before, it knocked a bunch of shit off the table. What? That might have... Shut up, Nick. No, we're making fun of Frank. We're making fun of Frank. When they were testing it the night before,

it knocked a bunch of shit off the table. Nope, nope. Frank, he just choked. That's all there is to it. Yeah, there's no way. He definitely missed the putt because it would have just blew it in the hole.

And then, you know, the real clutch guys stepped up and hit their shot in the five-shot league. Yeah. I mean, like, even just, like, people getting the timing right.

The funniest shit was the clip of you afterwards when you're coming back to your, you're like, Oh my God, I was great. And someone was like, what'd you do? He's like a school shooting.

Yeah. I hate that. Really? I've been calling it an office shooting. Cause I think school shooting has a little too much behind it. Yeah. In regards to what, when people are like,

what did you do for it? I'm like, I didn't put much thought to it. I just went with the gut. Yeah. I mean mean it is like a school shooting but boy that was yeah i mean well like you're right it is truly horrific it's truly an office shooting like we're not that's what i mean we're in an office the correct way to describe it would be office those guys those guys came by afterwards yeah have we told that story of um have we talked about another podcast yet no right so if you haven't seen it there's a uh office wide um drone video like a three minute like one shot

uh that is really very cool we had this kid come in who can puts on vr goggles flies the drone with a remote control he went from outside doing a pizza review up into a window through a hallway of the fire escape and then into the office where he flew in and out of every studio and every room and all along the way every single person and every single group at Barstool

did their stereotypical thing. So like Chef Donnie was cooking and the rundown guys had three people sitting in the chair and then the five shot league shot and Frankie putt in the hallway for foreplay. Then they got to us.

And, you know, really, when you say like, what should KFC Radio do? Like I was thinking we could literally just be sitting down and doing KFC Radio and we could have yelled something, you know, like,

I'm going to kill myself, get in the car. And it would have been like KFC radio. We could have yelled something like, I'm going to kill myself, get in the car. And it would have been like KFC radio. I was fully prepared. We never really got down this road because we all agreed school shooting. But I was prepared to just simulate blowing you. Excuse me. I was inspired by Chrissy D.

Chrissy D had a promo for his tickets where T.T. Jerry was just blowing him on the street. Outside of like the Beacon Theater. And I was like, I'd rather John do it to me, but I don't know. Whatever. I'll do it to him. But then John was like, let's do school shootings.

Yeah. Everyone say your prayers! Pray! Say your prayers! Which, by the way, shout out this company. I'll leave a shout out. There are very few companies where you can manifest doing an office shooting as a Christmas promo. And nobody said a word. We joked about it on the podcast the week before, being like, you know what know it'd be funny way to promote the merch if we fucking did an office shooting we came in and we just shot people with t-shirt guns and like we did like fake blood and all this stuff and then the next week it was like hey we're doing a promo like like what if we do school

shooting we're just moving that idea over and then they were like nobody said it's because i love it yeah and everybody like who was involved in it exclusively to a man was like, oh, that was the best part. But they came in here afterwards to do voiceovers. So we did the whole thing in one shot.

But because the propellers are going, you can't hear everything. So they were like, just do your lines, if you will, over again in case we need that. And so he's like,

yeah, so, you know, the helicopter made it kind of hard to hear. So we just need you guys to do your lines again for whatever that was. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, for this cool shoot. Those guys were very – but what else?

Everyone else has such a specific specialized theme. I feel like this is a very T-shirt canon ties to KFC Radio. You did that at the show in 2016. Merch. It would have been even better if we had a paintball or something that was more of a gun. Yeah, something I really could lit you up with. Tell you what, though. It blasted me good.

We did a test run. Nick wanted to do a jump to make sure that he didn't hit the fucking drone. He jumps over the table. On the test run, he just hops up, lands on his ass, and rolls over. John shot me with the gun at, like, half pressure. And then it comes time for the real shot. And I was like, John, just pop that baby up a little bit, you know. Took care of her.

Took care of her real good. And so John puts that up to, like, maximum PSI. And Nick decides to go full fucking Spanish announcer table. Sells out on the jump. And I had, like, different lines planned. I was going gonna be like pull the trigger you fucking coward and then turn it on yourself you pussy and i got blasted and it was such a like good hit that i i like you couldn't say i couldn't say that and i just like

fell to the ground it really you know what is interesting again you know the same way i fell down the stairs and knew that i still had it i I did think to myself, I think I'd be decent in the moment in a tragedy. Yeah? Because I was... What the fuck are you talking about? Like, I think I would be okay. That was your dry run for an office shooting? Yeah.

Everyone always thinks about that, too. Or at least I did. All the time. At, like, college, high school, I'm like, all right, someone kicks in that door with a gun. Like, what am I doing out the window? I'm like alright someone kicks in that door with a gun like what am I doing out the window I'm not saying

I would be a hero you think I'm gonna flip over a table no it's not how hey bullets go through tables it's not like the movies get out the window

I'm not saying I would be a hero I'm just saying there was enough of a teensy little bit of t-shirt gun adrenaline where I was just like

I'm gonna say my fucking lines and I didn't think twice about this I wasn't worried I was like he's gonna shoot me in the dick adrenaline where I was just like, I'm going to say my fucking lines and not even think twice about this. I was like, he's going to shoot me in the dick. You thought I was going to? Yeah. Or maybe even if you just fucked up and shot me in the dick. I was just like, whatever. I didn't even think twice about it. So I think if you had the real gun out, I think I'd be

clear thinking. Yeah? No chance. Listen. If there's one thing that's comparable to an actual shooting, it's a t-shirt cam. Okay? All right, guys? I think that I would be good.

Yeah, no, you know what? I think you'd be pretty good. I think you'd be... Again, I'm not saying I would like spring into action. I'm just thinking, I wouldn't be like saving Private Ryan in the corner just like freaking out. I think I would be like thinking it through. Yeah, I think that you would be of sound mind.

Do you remember the last time you were on this show? Not the last time, but like maybe the second to last time is when we had that come voicemail. How do I get this guy to come on me? I mean, he can maybe come on me. He can face at this point. How do I get him to do that? He thinks it's disrespectful and anytime I bring it up, he refuses to hear any options other than coming in his hand.

So if you guys can come up on the bike, that'd be great. Thanks. You fucking pussy! Come on! Stop coming in your hand, you fucking weirdo! Oh my God! Stop coming in your hand, you asshole! You selfish fuck, come on! She goes even my face! Just somewhere else other than your free hand, you fucking weirdo lunatic.

Yeah, we gotta talk about that. It's the greatest moment in our show's history. I don't know if he's been on, like, in this setting since. I have a confession to make, Kevin. About that clip. So, if you watch Don't you ruin this. No, no, no. If you watch that clip, right,

you gave me too much credit because you were like, you knew that it was an all-time KSU radio voicemail. I did think. So that's why you, like, stepped back and, like, you didn't react to it. I didn't laugh because I've done that before. You were cumming in a girl's hand? No, in my hand. Yeah, he's cumming in his own hand.

Yeah, that's what he was doing. You cum in your own hand? Not regularly, but there's definitely been a time where it's like all right like she like hops off and it's like all right where does it go so you just come into your hand i've done that okay i'm on top and yes she was like you're like get off get off i'm gonna come yeah and i'll just let that fly wherever i've done all i don't do that especially if it's not like my bed and i'm it's like i like how we really danced around fucking nonsense for a little bit. Like, see, we're at Max Scherzer. Let's get the cum.

Anyways. Are we going to talk about this? Well, come on. Is that... Like, you guys were dying laughing like it was the most preposterous thing ever, and I was like, oh, fuck, I've done that. What I was dying laughing at, if I'm speaking for me, was her saying, so how do I get this fucking guy to cum?

Yeah. That's what made me laugh. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. The coming in the hand is fine. The fact that he always came in his hands and he wouldn't do anywhere else. And just the thought of this girl being like, just fucking plaster me in the top. You pussy. That was funny.

That's different. I've done that before where I pulled out and I just came. Because it was my first time having sex with a girl. And I was like, not like my virgin time having sex with a girl and I was like not like my virginity but just this girl in particular and it was like you know I don't know I'm not going to fucking

there was no prior discussion about where things go what happens where so I just kind of pulled out and just fucking fired it down like into the sheets and I have more respect for people's property than that my bed is my bed and yeah I was I was paper pussy I'm gonna come on it you know I don't want to take the value of

that thing down with my comment disgusting and so I fucking put it down and and she it was like, like I fucking, someone was like, you ever see in the desert, in a movie, when they're like, the villain brings someone who's been starved

and they take water and they just dump it out and they're like, no! And they're trying to catch it up. She was like, what are you doing? Like, in the back. I was like, I don't know. That's a fucking freak.

Is that a big deal? She wanted that. She wanted that nut. What are you, what are you an asshole for? Give me that call. Give me that nut. Where do you think is the weirdest place you've come? It's November.

It's getting cold. Where's the weirdest place you've come? Game. Or like the funniest, you know, or like the funniest thing that you hit. Like one time I hit the air conditioner by accident. There is one time. Bro, what?

Yeah. Greatest load that has ever been shot. I was probably like 17 at the time, so we're talking, you know, teenager nuts. Oh, is this you hammering yourself out? I swear to God. No, no, it was during sex. I swear, you know, so we're talking teenager nuts. Oh, is this you hammering yourself out? No, no, it was during sex. I swear, when you're like a

teenager. That was a real embarrassing one for me there. 17 must have been a virgin. That's actually a good point, because I might have even been younger and I think I got started a little bit too early and I feel like 15-year-old, 16-year-old, 17-year-old nuts are being blasted with like 45

miles an hour of pressure. It's like the t-shirt can. Because I don't think you're supposed to be fucking at that. It's like that's just too much. Which is more dangerous because I've dodged my nut before. Bro, I vividly remember one, I have one

vivid memory where like and then feeling it hit the pillow and I was like, God, that would have been like an anvil falling on the fucking roadrunner's head that was a heavy knock I just pulled out and I always get in trouble on the show

I'm like sitting here anytime a topic comes up I'm like alright I've got story A, B, and C which one do I talk about you want to go back to Scherzer talk? anyway all of his 37 yearold arm is going to hold up. Rocket has those three cups out. He's like, which one am I going to tell?

Find the story. I was like, I'll just come on your stomach and your body. And I mean, it was like, I mean, it had to have gone like 10 feet. It was insane. Wait, wait. How are you positioned when this happened? She was, she was like laying on her back. I was on, it was like missionary.

Okay. And I kind of like pull out. I was like, I guess I was like up on my knees. And you just threw a fucking, like a missile for like, like we'll go back to baseball talk. You did like outfield assist. Frozen rope. Right. Yeah.

You had a fucking Jackie Bradley. So it just fucking, so you were aiming for fucking like stomach tits. outfielder sister. Frozen Robe. Yeah, you and a fucking Jackie Bradley. Yay! Come on. So it just fucking, so you were aiming for fucking like stomach. Stomach tits. And it just fucking, just a land cruiser missile. We're talking Vladimir Guerrero on the Expos from the corner to third base on a line. Like a stealth bomber below the radar level. And it was almost like, oh no,

it's going to hit her face. Nope. Oh no, it's going to get in her hair. I mean, I broke the record by a mile. I like to think of this girl. It was one of those jobs. I was like... It almost became not sexy

anymore. I was like, did you see that? Like, I almost thought my boys were there to be like, holy shit. He hit the fucking air conditioner, man. She's like Thanos looking at his hand. Kevin's looking at his dick. I am the man. I am the most powerful penis in the world. I swear that might be one of the longest cum shots of all time.

I swear. It might be a record. Bro, if that was a jig from the voicemail, you were fucking at the time, it would have been like the beast in the sandlot. Like a whale coming out of the water. Splashing. So, where's the weirdest place you've come?

I'm going to give you two choices here to let you weasel out of this. It can either be the physical place that the cum landed or the scenery setting in which you came. So you got on the topic of cum velocity. Yeah. So this is one of the stories I was debating on telling because I was like, now my mom's going to have to replace furniture in the house. I always think you're getting in trouble with girls.

Your mom is high to everything I do shit in the bathroom upstairs in the bathroom upstairs at my parents house I know it's tough so there's

there's like this closet in the bathroom upstairs and I used to jerk off and like shoot cum missiles at this closet and then take a pencil and like mark like i'd be like all right that that's a new record that one's like uh that's when you mark off your height? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, whoa. That one's, yeah. Yo, you chose, like, story B. You should have chose story A. What are A and C?

You chose B. How much worse can those stories be? If you go look at this closet right now, like, you'll see, like, pencil markings on it where it looked like maybe that's where they're putting, like, the new knobs on the closet. No, no, no. Those were cum shots from when I was a child.

Let me just wait. Hang on. Before you say what you're going to say. Somehow, someway, you are off the hook for having the worst cum stain story on the podcast. This guy has cum stain on his pants right now. Literally right now.

I don't know. I jerked off on these pants last night. And you are going to walk out of here I mean, I don't think it's weird. Like it's it was like measuring, you know, like like homers No, just no, I regular ass fucking... Oh, no. You gotta fucking... You gotta cork the bat, bro. You cork the bat. You kink the hose. You measure in distance. Cork the bat. Are you crazy? You never knew this? No. If you squeeze your dick off,

it builds up, and then you let go. Wait, what? What? Yes! Yes! It's literally like kinking a hose. I, like, never do it, but it's... Oh, it's dangerous. True dangerous. That sounds like it would've hurt. You kink your dick right now. You kink your dick right now. There's a chance it goes, like, back in or something. I'm not you, it would have hurt. You kink your dick right now. You kink your dick right now. There's a chance it goes back in or something.

I'm not doing that. I kinked my dick and I farted out my cum. You kink your dick, you love. You might fucking sneeze, girl. You lock up a loogie. It's a fucking load from last night. I hate how easily I could picture cum coming out of your nose. I don't think I could do that with Kevin, but with you, it came right away, the image.

I don't like that. I don't like that at all. Could you imagine? Let's just say. And he would laugh like that. Let's just say. Like all he would laugh like that say like he would laugh it he wouldn't even think he was like a scientific marvel he'd be like yep come on you go to the Rockets bathroom right you see this door right you see these little spots and you're like alright I'm beat this. You kink that hose.

I got to get home. And then you open it up. And just nothing happens. And now you're like, oh, where's the cup? It's got to come out somewhere. And the rest of the 24 hours, we're not married. Yes. The next 24 hours, you're like, reach it in your ear,

pick it in your nose, whatever. I've inspected my poop. Oh, my god. Next thing you know Feidelberg the farter It's a wet one Remember that wet one A year ago

I think it was disgusting Was that on the air I think it was before He let one rip in here That I was like Genuinely concerned I was like Did you just shit yourself bro

Anyway so Mr. fucking You know What's Oh I think what Barry Is like the green monster Is like Yeah you're so wrong. Anyway, so Mr. Fucking, you know, what's what? Like the green monster. This is like, yeah,

I remember that one. Right. Ninety nine. Wait, so this is back in the day. So what are you holding? Are you is a phone

or are you like magazine? Oh, fucking imagination. Just imagine. Yeah, I didn't even have like a I used to go in the fucking

I could have told you the rocket was going straight. Yeah. You know why? He's natural. He's not a, he's not a, he's not a steroid user. No performance enhancing for this guy.

No sauce, baby. Jackie's out of here. Jackie's like, see you fucking later, you losers. Could you just imagine girls sitting around? What's the, what's the equivalent being like? Queefs probably. No. That was gross.

That word really bothers me, actually. That's like on the Nicky Queen. You hear that noise? Zach just goes, Oh, no. Oh, no. Are you crying? Wait, so we're very in the lead.

What was the fucking... I'll send you a picture. What was your deepest shot? Did you ever fucking... Did you ever like Vince Carter yourself? Did you ever fucking dunk on you? Like you'd get higher. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

You got higher than that? Yeah, it's like... Oh, no, higher than the closet? Not the closet, but taller than you were. No. I'd have to go back and look. They're still there. Why wouldn't they be?

Is this the first time they've ever been revealed to us? Yes, to anyone. Why don't you... Yeah, you two get yourself in trouble. This is what you said. I was the only one that knew what those markings were. Now everyone's going to know. Why don't you, before this is out,

why don't you just text Ellen right now and say, can you do me a favor and just take a picture of the closet door? Of the bathroom? No! I don't want to be a privy to this. She you do me a favor and just take a picture of the closet door? No! I don't want to be a privy to this. She's going to hear this anyway, right? Yeah, probably. Oh my god, I'm so unhappy right now.

Or you can be, if you want to, you can be like, can you take a video of the bathroom real quick, like 360 and then we'll zoom it. He's just going to say, take a picture of the door, aren't you? I say, can you take a picture of the bathroom closet for me, the upstairs one? Oh my god. He's just going to say, take a picture of the door, aren't you? I said, can you take a picture of the bathroom closet for me? The upstairs one. Oh my God. And then when she follows up,

she's like, don't ask questions. Don't ask questions until it's the case you're real. So we're going to see. How many are we going to see? Not a ton. I mean like, because I would only make a mark

if it was higher. Right. So there's not a ton. Got it. Got it. So you fired off one time and that was the ace card. And I was like, whoa.

That was the center. was like whoa that was like so like to get from like who just blasts into a door like i hit the air conditioner by trying by mistake like you were like yep that door looks good yeah but like are we talking about like a solid door like it didn't have those slits in it you know what i mean yeah solid door solid piece of wood a piece of wood solid pound pound yeah and it's like if you were to just reaching it was impressive

so reaching the door was like wow and then you do it again you're like that one was definitely higher I gotta start marking these and then you're marking

you're like that one was higher than the mark and then you just keep going but there's probably like three, four marks I could see Ellen being like ah he wants those

cum shot pictures like you know when your parents do everything all Ellen being like, ah, he wants those cum shot pictures. Like, you know, when your parents do everything all along. It's like, yeah, no, he wants to see those. Yeah, he used to cum on the door all the time. And I didn't have the heart to like wash it off because I was breaking a new record today.

You know how when I was growing up, my friend, like my best friend, would like, you know the computer room? Which, for some reason, we all call it the computer room. But the... I mean, yeah, why would you... It's just an all call it the computer room. But the... I mean, yeah, why would you... It's just an office.

The word office exists. But when you're a kid... And we were like... Like families were just like, the computer room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The office. That was quick. Oh my God.

The... But my buddy used to just leave... That's one. No. That's above the doorknob. You see? Oh, there's one down there. That was an old one that's just like a pencil mark

yeah yeah yeah show them the one above the door yeah there's one right there she didn't even ask she was just like oh well okay so I can see like oh man so that's like waist height

a doorknob is like, so that's like waist height? A doorknob is like dick high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a fucking good shot. Yeah. So like, and like, I'm,

I'm like, well, like, would you stand out, out like this? I mean, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, from a... Get out of town! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'll say to the mic, I mean, like, that was the one and only time I did that was my air conditioner shot. I've never had anything even close to that. God bless Ellen for not even... She was just like, she said, LOL, okay, and sent a picture of the door. Didn't, like... Didn't even think twice.

No! And got back within... It was a... 226? She texted back at 226 within She's a writer.content mom She's a writer.content mom Ellen squirts up the stairs Bro I gotta be honest

That's one of the more That's like a hall of fame story on the show That's an all timer That's a good load story Let's start asking everyone their load stories So you would clean it You would mark it and then clean it, I would hope, right? Honestly?

Oh, no. No, because then it would drip. You had to wet the town. Kevin, honestly, they're... No. Oh, no. Like a snail trail. I don't want to say.

Jackie, you left the room, but like... Kevin, you can't tell because this picture is set back a little bit, but I bet you if the guy got close enough... I can't believe no one's going to listen to this. I am horrified. She should really not listen to this. After this episode comes out, I'll replace the door. This is the way that she's going to be able to put the fucking face cloth back.

Come doors again. You know what you should do? Replace it for her, obviously, like a gentleman. Bring that to the launching pad and just have the come door. People people like what's that door you're like it's a piece of art it's like a contemporary you know impressionism or some shit is there anything even like remotely close to girls like is there anything like uh i didn't phrase that right is there like a way is there anything that girls do that is even comparing comparable to this conversation to to like like what jared did none of my friends have ever to what jared is there anything that girls could like brag about

sexually like no right is there ever a time like you know, I did this and that happened or whatever. No, right? I mean, like you can talk about squirting, but like, yeah, but like the average girl, I don't think is,

I think girls sit around and compare loudest queefs. I think they do. Oh my God. No, Scott, you take that shit to the grave. It's fucking foul, bro. Bro, I farted so loud.

My pussy farted so loud. Oh, that's terrible. That word really... The word sucks. The occurrence, if it happens, you know, whatever, these things happen.

I think the word really bothers me. It's by design, though. The word sucks so much because no one wants to talk about a woman farting out of her vagina it's like it does sound like one of those onomatopoeias too like you know just like the word the sound like a high pitch it's just funny you are a wizard of disgust when it happens it's even funnier than the word. I mean, how many times does that happen?

Queefs? Yeah. I guess it's not... I guess, sure, it's time to come out of the closet with this. I don't really know what a queef is. Like, when, like, when, like, a, like, like, when a vagina farts during sex. Queef? With a little air escape.

Yeah. Okay. So pretty... Can it happen? Rather regularly. Can it happen during sex? Not regularly, but rather often. It can?

Yeah. I've never fucking been hanging around with chicks just fucking being able to pull my finger. It's usually... Oh my God, I went for a hood. I thought I had a hood on. I wanted to hide so badly. Why?

Imagine just a chick going to pull my finger. Oh, ladies have done it for sure. Sure, they're disgusting pigs. But I don't want to think about it. That's a deal breaker. I told you that story. That girl farted,

you kicked her out of the fucking... Dumped her, immediately. Really? This is one of my favorite rocket stories ever. Imagine that. Do tell again

for the girls. Okay. This is one of the most, like when women are like, oh, men, like this is what they're talking about. This is despicable behavior. At this point, this is like 10 years ago.

I've grown. I'd consider it now. I wouldn't be an automatic ejection. It might be a warning this time around. As a 32-year-old. Strike one. Yeah, you might get a warning. This was an ejection.

So we were at like this like house party. Some people claimed to have heard it. Some people like I was standing right there I didn't hear it it was unmistakably loud so she was like big into like lifting and stuff so she was just crushing protein shakes like you wouldn't believe

and just had like this like obsession with like lifting heavy shit she was taking shits like a rabbit, just fucking pellets. Yeah. So she... I'm going to go sit with Jackie and make faces with her like this. We're just all chilling in the kitchen. It was New Year's Eve, and she just hugs me

and then tries to pick me up. And as she's picking me up, rips the loudest fart that I've ever heard in my life. And I just go, put me down right now. So you're in the air. Your feet are off the ground. Your feet are dangling and you're just like, put me off the ground. Darren's kicking and screaming. Just like disappointed. Like you had talked to a dog that just pissed on the rug.

You trained so many times to not do that. And it's like company's over. You know what I mean? It happened alone. You knew it was a wrap. So that was it. The last time that we ever like hooked up was before that. Like we were away.

So you tried. No, no, no, no. And like the attraction just wasn't there anymore. No, no. It was over that second. Like, so we were away. Like we went to like, it was New Year's Eve. So we went to like a cabin in New Hampshire. So I was stuck with her.

I was trapped. So I slept next to her that night, but nothing happened. And then after the trip was over, pink slip. Did you tell her why? You just left a red ticket in her fucking locker that night. Opened it up.

Back your bags, bitch. You fucking farted like a monster. What did you think was going to happen? Did she say like, why are we breaking up? No, no, I think she knew. So you think she knew? You know what? I think she was probably like, good, I don't have to do it.

Because she was probably about to break up with you. I can't take this guy. I can't take this guy. Like, you pick up and just walk and carry around like a fucking baby Bjorn. I was a thick boy back then. I picked this little baby up and farted at him. I can't fuck I was a thick boy back then. I picked this little baby up and farted at him. I can't fuck him. Are you kidding me? Yeah, she was like,

I was about to dump his little ass. There's more. Yo, you can't throw a hissy fit while a girl's got you in the fucking bed. Say something funny. Cracking ribs. Put you down? How about, I can't breathe, I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

You're tapping out. Put you down? How about, I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe. You're tapping out. Put me down. Yeah, that was it. Like, never, never, never saw her again.

That was probably the only, like, ex that I, I don't have some sort of a relationship with. Just excommunicated. Did she become a lesbian? Uh, not to my knowledge.

Farting lesbian? That is... Now, while I don't disagree with you, because I think, listen... Can't come back from that. Some people can, some people can't. In front of my friends? I'm just a firm...

I could deal with that. I can't hang out with Ricky getting all my girl farts. That's kind of the problem, though. It's like, I could deal with this, but my friends are going to be like, every time we're together or out or, you know, whatever, remember that time that, you know, Jessica lifted you up and farted in her pants? Some of them.

Blew a hole in her underwear? I don't know. Farted in her pants sounds so much worse than farted. Just, like, filled up that underwear, like, squeaked it out of the thong and just stuck it in her corduroys. Probably a salmon fart, too. But I am a firm believer of like, it's almost like, you know, Jared didn't want that to happen. No, I didn't.

He was dating her for a reason. He thought she was pretty. She was attractive. He was into it. She was super nice. They were dating. She was nice. But when the spark goes, whether it's because of it just over time or something happens

where it's like, I'm sorry, but all I can picture now is you picking me up and farting. And so we got to end this. Yeah. I think the picking up thing is the problem. I think it's getting ignored in the store. I think it was glossed over. Like why? Yeah.

Why? If my girlfriend picked me up in front of a party I don't care if she farts or not I'd be like put me down right now what are you doing could you imagine doing that you know how embarrassing that is that is that would be so embarrassing like your feet are dangling and you're like honey just put me down boys are watching that's so embarrassing but it was and then on top of that you're the, honey, just put me down. The boys are watching. That's so embarrassing. But it was because And then on top of that, you're the little boy flailing

and then you hear Oh, that couple. For the night you guys were getting made fun of so bad. It was, I mean,

I assessed the situation and actions were taken. Put me down right now. I'm picturing like the music stops, like someone had like popped a bottle that's overflowing

and they're just holding it like, what's going on? Like everything, just the whole scene stops. Like, someone had, like, popped a bottle that's overflowing. They're just holding it. Like, what's going on? Like, everything just, the whole scene stops. The fart is lingering in her fucking, like, JNCO jeans. And Rock is just like, put me down right now. This woman is having it bad enough this episode. She's going to put on a pair of JNCOs. I'm turning her into, like, a skateboarding lesbian.

I'm just picturing this big jack. She wasn't, though. I mean, she's doing creatine, Rock. Normal girls don't do creatine she lifts weights she's a farter she's a weightlifting skateboarding lesbian farter you're like picturing like China

from WWE that's what I'm picturing you're like X-Files don't worry it's cool I watched her porn like that's the vagina yeah well she's dead

she died now that's what I said yeah boy you do get yourself in trouble so you came on a door you dumped a girl because she farted She's dead. She's dead now. Is that what I said? Yeah. Boy, you do get yourself in trouble. So you came on a door. You dumped a girl because she farted. Yeah.

No one was out there, though. That's right. You said the N-word at the start of the episode. That's true. Dude, Jared's going to skate. I had something else for you. I can't remember what. For me?

yeah what do you mean? this would mean it's been a while I know well there's plenty of things but you know something KFC Radio specific but

alright man well man have you done plenty of damage here I feel like that one I can overcome there's nothing nothing will slow down

the rocket but you know it's just certain things you maybe I figured I would stick to keep that one in the holster. I figured I would stick to stories that could only really get me in trouble with Ellen. Which I feel like this one, at this point, there's nothing I can say that's going to...

It's not even trouble. It's just the blatant disrespect for this poor woman. Like, I put a house over your head. She's the hottest paid maid in the North Shore. Jesus Christ. Never mind. If we take it back, there is no disrespect at all. He tips her well.

She's very well compensated. Don't worry. He tips her. He can come on the door all he wants. You are a deplorable person. What's the worst way you could get dumped? If you got dumped because you farted, would that be, like, the most, like? I mean, yeah, I guess.

I mean, that's... I also just like... Why was she picking you up? Yeah, it's crazy. I don't know. It was like... She's like a Gucci Gucci girl, I'm gonna pick you up. No, she's just like... It started as a hug and then she was like... Was it something that she did regularly? No, that's not... First and only time.

First and last. First and only time. And she just covered those... P pants butt with a big part. Big mistake. Yeah. Well, as always, Rocket. Hey, it's been real. Stay hot. Thank you.

Thank you, guys. Is Ellen going to ask you what was the picture about, and are you going to tell the truth? And will she definitely listen to this? Yeah. I mean, yeah. picture about and are you going to tell the truth and will she definitely listen to this yeah i mean yeah if she see if she sees my name on any podcast she's tuning in so oh god what at least just skip to your part i'll probably like send her the link to the the youtube channel you gotta see it see this shit i'll text you the picture of the the fucking door you can yeah please we gotta yeah we have to put that in and and and maybe actually can you circle the spot of the fucking door Yeah, please, we do have to put that in

And maybe, actually, can you circle the spots so the guys know where to Oh, you can't miss them We'll put like a little red, like, you know crosshairs over it and shit to the fans now Jesus Let's get into Jacked Up Jacked Up!

I'll do like a minute of talk here in case there's sponsor trouble Good idea The Jets played the Texans this weekend Well, I'll do like a minute of talk here in case there's sponsor trouble. Good idea. Yeah. The Jets played the Texans this weekend, and I'll let Jackie do the real analysis, but I didn't even consider. I didn't even consider considering watching a snap of that game, and I think I have truly set my soul free. Like the Mets are the Mets.

Uncle Stevie is doing what he's doing. And I am not going to waste a second of my brain on cheering or being upset or analyzing or thinking or forecasting or whatever on the New York Jets. That's pretty sick. And I mean, think of a worse game than the Jets-Texans. No, I mean, that's the two bottom teams, right? They were both 2-8, so it can't be much worse, you know? What are the Lions? The Lions are... Oh, they're 0-9.

0-9-1. No, they snuck out. No, they lost. The Bears beat them. Oh, they tied. And then on... Chicago won on Thanksgiving? Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, with the last second. The Lions just stink. But yeah, I mean, that type of shit. And it's like, guess what? We're right back where we are. The Patriots are at the top. The Jets are, you know, using us, that type of shit. And it's like, guess what? We're right back where we are. The Patriots are at the top. The Jets are, you know, useless.

It doesn't matter. So I went to the Pats game. Yeah. And I had two separate experiences that were... One is, first of all, it was... I sent a tweet, and I'm just going to say it here because it was exactly what I felt at the moment. It was the Pats were in first place what I felt in the moment. And then it was the pastor in first place,

manhandling a team. The snow was falling. Gillette was rocking. And it was a scene that was so new England. It would make Norman Rockwell's dead dick hard. That is, that is, it was just like,

that's winter. And there's a flat circle and Norman's jerking off in his cast. But the two things that happened to me that was like, I wanted to in New York. So there's a flat circle and Norman's jerking off in his casket. But the two things that happened to me that I wanted to say real quick were, one, I was in line for the bathroom in the tailgate lot beforehand. And the kid's like, yo, you're Feidelberg, right? And I was like, yep. Did he ask you to jerk off in the fucking... No, he just went, you here for the football game?

Like... I suppose you could maybe be doing a video or something. But even then, like, you're here because the Patriots are playing. Gillette's in the middle of nowhere. I was like, no, man, I'm getting my car fucking tuned up over at Rodman. You should have said no. Should have put him in a blender. Oh, is there a game here today?

If you said no, what would you have done? I don't know. I have no idea. If you were just like, no, man. You're here for the game? What have you said? You're one of those weird guys who are in the parking lot of a stadium for the football game? What if you were just like, no, I live here. No, this is my home.

What if you said, no, I'm here for school? What's the weirdest thing you could have said to that guy that he would just be like wait what no my dad died right total nonsense total nonsense what if this is actually an idea

what if you patrol tailgates to get laid like crashing weddings crashing funerals the next thing is crashing tailgates but get laid. Like crashing weddings, crashing funerals. The next thing is crashing tailgates. But there's nowhere to fuck. I mean, like, we fucked at, like, country fast, where people were on

buses and stuff, but, like... Listen, if you can pee in between doors of a car, you can fuck in between doors of cars. I think those are very different things. Still, there's stuff coming out of your dick. It's not that different. They come out in separate ways. What if you're not even trying to meet somebody?

Maybe you're not even trying to fuck. What if you're like, tailgates are fun, and I'm looking for a girl who does creatine and farts and stuff, and I want to like, I'm going to meet my girl here. You are describing college football. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. So it's not that crazy. No, it's not crazy at all.

That's what I mean. I mean, it exists in huge numbers. So why don't, so you should have said that in that moment. I'm like, I'm just here for pussy, man. I'm here for the pussy. Just looking for gash. Five minutes. Kate had a line did you see it

she said something slit and it was insane she said like it was alliteration it was like an S word and then slit and it was like

oh my god Kate you're a mother I'm so gonna find it it was so bad while you're fed the other thing that, so every time from Foxborough, there's a commuter rail

that goes back to Boston, one to Providence after the Pats games, and it's chaos. It's absolutely, it's like I would imagine the boarded barge. Jersey Transit,

well, a giant stadium even, you know, it's the same sort of thing. Okay, yeah. And I had to be the only person in history because I was going, I flew home last night because all the trains were sold out.

I fucking hate flying. But the – I flew home because all the trains were sold out. So I went to the tailgate with my dad and my brother, and I had to go back to the car, get my luggage, and then walk to the train. And people were roasting me with the most basic roasts of all time. Just because you had luggage. And it was humiliating. I was going to say, that's the worst kind. It was just like, look at this fucking guy.

He's got bags. I was like, oh my God. This is so embarrassing. Look at this man with worldly possessions and he can't fit in his pocket, so he's got bags to carry it. Is that Final Burn? Does he have bags? He's got luggage?

I mean, it is tabbed. Luggage at a football game is a fucking oddball move. And I was walking, like, against the current, too. Like, everyone's coming this way, and I'm just like... And I take... As in, like, now I was in, like, my clothes. So I was in, like, a camel... Like, my camel jacket.

And now that I was coming from a football game, I was walking through the woods. Because you walk through the woods to get to the train station in Foxborough. People were just like, what? Where did this person come from? He's got a scarf on. He looks like fucking Kevin McAllister's dad. He's got luggage.

He's just fucking walking through the woods. Maybe this is why people were like, are you here for the game? Look at this fucking guy. We don't know. Who is taking the commuter rail as a commuter at 4 o'clock on a Sunday? It was bananas yeah that's one of those things that's way worse than like uh you know you're fat or ugly or whatever it's it felt like the real life version of like uh the the this dude eating beans tweet oh yeah yeah yeah this guy's got bags. Oh, God, this is humiliating.

I just realized it was not... I don't know why. I think I was reading Kate's Twitter. It's not on Kate's Twitter. It was on a TV show. The phrase was, slit slammed. I'm looking to get slit slammed. Who said this? It was on

that HBO Max show Successfully Sexless of College Girls yes yes what's it called Secret Sex she said I'm looking

to get slit slammed I was like what's up baby slit slamming when you're pulverizing that pussy to the degree that she'll need a wheelchair for a few days after

hey me and the boys are going slit slamming sounds like a hate crime. Or an assault, or a sexual assault. The boys can't go slit-slamming. The girls can get slit-slammed if they so wish. We're just trying to find some slits and slam them. Okay, Hitler.

Put away your fucking burning crosses. Slit-slam. I will never slit-slam in my life. I may have consensual intercourse with a girl, and she'll describe it as slit slamming later. Doubtful, but possible. Probably not. However, I slit slammed.

Not a thing that happens. Bro, can you believe that this was the attempt to get sponsors to be okay with the F? Ah, shit. We just ended with slit slamming, bro. God damn it. Talking about fucking until you get in a wheelchair. That was our attempt to be fucking good. Man.

God damn it. Okay. Let's go five minutes of silence. One, two, three, four. What was everyone's favorite Thanksgiving dish? What was your favorite- Cunt. Walked right into that one.

I had undercooked press and rolls. I like that. They were so soft I wanted to fuck them. I was going to say we have pre-sale tickets hey that is good guess what people have been asking for KFC radio to come to Boston the mean streets

of Boston dog back where Barstool started back where the most stoolies are the original KFC radio listeners, as John is dabbing on these fools. And guess what? We're coming to Boston. And we're doing it big once again, just like we did.

You look like the kid from the True Detective intro. Eat a banana while you're at it. Other hand banana, bro. Whoa, he backhanded that one. We're coming to the Wilbur. The first time back at the Wilbur since Couch by Couch West where we packed that bitch out. That was the final episode with Dan.

That was like when Dave Walks to Work was popping. Oh, yeah. We packed that up. 1100 people. That was fucking so long ago. Long time ago. That was probably a combined like 200 pounds ago. You know? You had us all up.

That's like 10 years and fucking 200 pounds ago. That is an unnecessary detail. That was the original t-shirt gun night. That's when unnecessary detail. That was the original t-shirt gun night. That's when I first fell in love with the t-shirt cannon. Wait, so they're on pre-sale? I want to be clear about this.

I am jacked about the Wilbur show and I'm saying it now because it's not for a long time. I'm going to explicitly say what's happening. At the Wilbur show, there will be acrobats on stage with us. We have... The guy finally DM'd back. what's happening. At the Wilbur Show, there will be acrobats on stage with us. The guy finally DM'd back.

Tell him we got something to do for him in March. It's in March. Tickets are now on sale, on pre-sale. I don't understand what that means. I don't know what any of this shit means. There's a pre-sale code for noon today. Tuesday at noon, you could use the code Boston to be able to purchase

tickets on pre-sale. But if you wait until Wednesday, Wednesday goes fully on sale. So the tickets just are on sale for everybody. You just have to put in a pre-sale first. Put in a word first. We've made it a little more difficult for you. Like we said, you throw one hurdle at me,

I'm not going to do it unless I'm a die-hard fan. So this is for our people who are willing to do one extra step with their keyboard. Type Boston. Every short six letters. Boston. B-O-S-T-O-N. And you can get tickets to KFC Radio live at the Wilbur, which is then going down March 20-something. I'm not even going to give you the date because it's forever away.

I might get cancer in that time. For all we know. God willing. By the way, we didn't say this during the Virgil Abloh part, which was six hours ago. His new line is dope. I think he prepared this for... It's called

Virgil Was Here. Oh, wow. Yeah. We were joking around about the cancer thing. On a real note, though, doing that in silence and dealing with the shit I was talking about, like when people are being assholes and you're dealing with all that nonsense and then you're also fighting for your life. It's incredible. And,

and the fact that like, you know, it's wild. So like, you know, everyone talks like Kanye really wanted that gig at Louis Vuitton and they just gave it to Virgil. And it was kind of like,

people said like he leapfrogged over Kanye becausegil. And it was kind of like people said, like, he leapfrogged over Kanye because, you know, he was kind of Kanye's protege. But Kanye still openly talks about it, like, fuck, I wanted that job so bad. That's pretty wild to be like. If that happened, I don't, like, they're hugging and they're cool and shit, but.

Oh, I know, but they're, like, tight forever. We suck at selling tickets. Let's get back on the tickets. Yeah, buy tickets. Friday, March 18th at 730. Friday, March 18th. It's a Friday show. It's going to be...

This is our first Friday show, I think, right? Friday fucking show. Buy tickets so we don't... We just had a Friday show. Our last show was Friday. Was it really? Yeah. It was like Friday afternoon. Time doesn? Yeah. It was like Friday afternoon.

Time doesn't exist. It was like Friday at 2 p.m. I think we were on stage at Friday at 6.40. March 18th is St. Clancy's Day. It's the day after St. Patrick's Day. Oh, boy. People are going to be in some sort of shape on Friday. After a Thursday, St. Patrick's

Day? In Boston? There's a chance this show doesn't happen. The world might be burnt down. Holy shit, I didn't put all that together. This is basically a St. Patrick's Day live show in Boston. Let's go. Okay,

on top of the fucking acrobats that were on stage, there will be bagpipe players on stage. Wow. I am saying it now. It will be a clusterfuck. Have you ever seen Cirque du Soleil perform for Drunk Irish with Drunk Scottish doing the music?

Welcome to KFC Radio. Let's go. KFC Radio Live, where you're going to hear that. And everyone's like, oh, it's so beautiful. The most overrated thing in the world. You think your grandpa died again? I learned. Absolutely.

I hear bagpipes. I cry and someone's dead automatically. Fuck, my grandpa died again. Son of a bitch. Buy tickets. We'll see you in March. Buy tickets. Promo code Boston.

I actually do want to see if you guys can do us a favor. If you're going to get tickets or you're thinking about tickets, you want to come, whatever. Do it now as the presale. I want to see how much we can bang out the tickets in that presale. I want a good showing from the KFC radio crew. Think about, like I said, it's going to be a St. Patrick's Day celebration. The tournament will be going.

My birthday will have just happened. It's St. Clancy's Day. It's a great time of year. It'll be like the weather's turning a little bit. Hopefully it's like a 60-degree day. The chances of this being unbelievable are extremely high. So go buy them now. Do it for a Christmas present.

You can say the tickets are available now. So go buy them now. Do it for a birthday, a Christmas present. You can say, you know, the tickets are available now. Oh, great idea. Yeah. Give them a little, you know, just a little ILO.

Send it to your mommy and your daddy. Yes. Bring the whole family. Remember, we're doing the table for one, the go to the comedy show alone tour.

We want everybody to come solo. We want people to bring all their significant others. We need to keep, our last we had a 16 year old in in there i don't know what the wilbur's rules are but i'd like to keep i'd like to keep i want i want like a 70 year old and a 16 year old i want it to run the fucking gamut old young white black guys girls skinny fat and i keep the fat so i just want the crowd to be sexy so go to what thewilbur.com

or something yeah it's on Ticketmaster I'll put the link in the description of this episode and we'll tweet it out and put it in the bio

for all of our social media also Pop Punk is performing yep Friday night I think I put

8 o'clock on there 8pm where is it at it's at toad's place in new haven connecticut dude that's that's baller yeah i mean i know you guys already did irving plaza so that's like uh you know almost as legendary as it gets but to me like toads is like in a barstool lore you know i mean like the all this is where the blackout tour was born blackout tours and i think Sam Adams

and those guys performed there and shit like that. Toads, I've never even been, but I hear Toads, I think of Madison Square Garden. Toads is like the Madison Square Garden of Barstool. If you're going to be big time in the Barstool history, you've got to go through there. Are you playing? This will be your first appearance.

This will be my first time on stage. I've seen Nicky on the uh nicky on the ivory yeah i've seen him practicing and uh put him up on instagram you ready to go yeah uh i'm pretty much there we gotta we're locked into the set list it's been so crazy with like fucking uh thanksgiving but uh yeah rhythm guitar and keyboard i'll be doing this my first time playing in like 10 years in front of people so are you gonna go like miami hammy with the outfit what are we looking at uh I was thinking about that. I got to figure it out.

Still haven't gone shopping for it. I used to go fucking weird with it. Imagine Nick comes out in a Borat onesie bikini thingy. I never did that, but I used to wear my it was pretty much a

Speedo. I was joking oh yeah what if nick just came out naked but with that hat and that's it with a pair of like pf flyers and tube socks pulled up pop pop punk should do a naked show yeah imagine imagine i'm gonna need like three months to lose a lot of weight but uh yeah just heads up but um yeah no it's gonna be fucking sick i'm i'm gonna freak out the second i'm on stage yeah but but then you're gonna like you know hit your first chord oh yeah and you'll be good to go i want to um i'm curious to see like i don't know i used to go

very heavy on stage antics throw my guitar swinging around my neck yes like crazy you ready for that uh i you going to break something, the guitar or your bones. I'm the fifth Beatle in this, so I'm like, I kind of don't want to try to be the guy like stealing the show. Yeah, but also,

are you prepared for like, they're going to like throw you a solo at some point and be like, you know? Yeah, I'm not ready for that, but we'll see. Yeah, they're gonna. Yeah.

And then that's when you got to take your dick out or something. But if you were helicoptering the thing while you helicopter your dick out or something. You're not going to do that. The thing while you helicopter your dick. Hamilton's doing the double helicopter. He's doing the double heli. The patented heli. We haven't seen that since 2001.

Oh my god. So we got a lot. And of course, right now, latest episode of ATI is out. Patty the Batty. So take care of all those things. Now, let's finally get to week 12. What? The ad read.

Yes, the ad read for Jacked Up. The ad read is brought – Jacked Up today is brought to you by Cuts Clothing. Once again, people claim it's hard to buy for men during the holidays, and I am here to tell you it's absolutely not. Not only because guys are easy if you just pay a little bit of attention to their, the things that they like and enjoy, but because of companies like Cuts. Cuts clothing makes it as simple as humanly possible for you to get some clothes for your boyfriend or your husband or your son or your uncle or a friend or whoever, because they make timeless classic clothing that looks sharp, that is comfortable, and that will never go out of style. Whether you're talking about athletes or entrepreneurs

or recording artists, all the people at the top of their respective industries have been rocking cuts clothing in the last few years. And there's only one reason why. It's the only shirt worth wearing. It's the type of shirt and pants and hoodie and clothing that you know is going to look sharp anywhere you go at any time. Whether you're on stage with Pop Punk or you're doing a podcast. Whether you are out on a date or you're at work. Whether you are lounging around the house or you got to give a big presentation. Either way, cuts will always look sharp with their signature buttery soft t-shirts.

They got the tri blend. They've got hoodies. They've got, um, pants. They've got everything that are, it's, it's just solid colors. You got black, white, tan, gray, blue, all of these classic looks that will go with all of your other clothing. And right now, because it's the holiday season, you can get everything on sale, 15% off site-wide when you go to cutsclothing.com slash clancy.

That's cuts, C-U-T-S, clothing.com slash clancy to get 15% off everything this holiday season. Okay, week 12. You got it right this time. Three minutes on the clock. This is the first ever Thanksgiving Day edition through week 12, right? I mean, no. Okay. Okay.

Week 12, not including Thanksgiving. Jacked up. Jacked up. Okay. Jets, Texans You touched on it a little bit An ugly game Obviously

Gruesome None of them were good Yeah Stays in None of them But you won But you won But like

Are you not Aren't you not Happy about that I don't give a fuck Okay I truly don't care anymore. Okay. Okay.

You got anything on that? Since I didn't watch the game, can you paint me a picture? Well, I'll paint... There was some kind of Zach Wilson... Girl, don't look to me for help on this one. I did not watch a single second. I got nothing.

Zach Wilson had a had a fumble. A fumble? I don't know. Zach Wilson. Have you seen this? No. No, no, no. It's jacked up.

I don't know. Zach Wilson. I should have studied more on this one. He had a fumble? There was some kind of play where he was not good. Okay. But what was that play? Well, that's what I don't know.

Can you guess? I'm going to guess it's a little fumble. A little pick. Well, those are two different things. Yeah. Hang on here one more time so that was

wait a minute he was way over the line in scrimmage anyway wasn't he or no so this was a pump fake on the throw

scramble pass the line of scrimmage shovel pass to nobody when they man with his back turned because obviously he was like, uh, no. That's borderline butt fumble. That's worse than the butt fumble.

That was bad decision making. That was, he was by the line of scrimmage. I thought he was further along than that. He just shovel passed it off of his boy's back. That's one of those things that's like like we talked about things that are unacceptable in the NFL. That's like unacceptable in high school.

Jackie has spoken, folks. Or like tag football. It's terrible. It's terrible. But Jets win. But the Jets won. So congrats. Give yourself a pat on the back for that.

And then, okay. I love those phrases. I don't know why they just kill me. The Dolphins, Panthers, the back for that. And then, okay. I love those phrases. I don't know why they just kill me. The Dolphins, Panthers, the Panties, the Dolphins. Okay. You guys, the Dolphins, they might actually have a chance. If you look at

the rest of who they're playing and everything, they might actually have a chance at the championships. I don't know what it's called, might actually have a chance at the championships. I don't know what it's called, but they have a chance at it. Are you like a Dolphins fan? You really perked up for this. Well, I just thought it was fun because they're like, they're underdogs.

So it's, you know. Are you saying a chance to win the AFC East, like their division? Maybe. Are you saying? I don't know. I think so. Could be. It could be. I don't know. There's a chance that's what I'm saying. Are you saying that they could win the Super Bowl? I

don't think that's what I'm saying, but it could. No, it's not what I'm saying. They're not going to win the Super Bowl, but they have a shot at something. A doing a damn thing? At the championships. Yeah. Okay championships Next up Ravens, Browns, Lamar, Jackson

Four Interceptions, he would not play a good game Interceptions also known as Picks They should just choose one That's the only word that has Two different, or the only Thing that has two different

Also, four is a significant number because in the Bucks-Colts game, Leonard Fournette, and I thought that I was, I don't know how to say his name, but I thought I was the only one who, I actually wrote in my notes, four in all caps, net,

and I was like, Jackie, that was so smart that you just came up with that, and then all of Twitter was like, four net, and everything like that, and like Gronk kept saying it, or whatever, so I didn just came up with that and then all of Twitter was like, for net and everything like that. And like Gronk kept saying it or whatever, so I didn't come up

with that. I like how you and Gronk are on the same wavelength. This is brilliant. You have some similarities. I also, okay, I was thinking about doing a list of stuff I learned about football this week. So here's what I learned.

I like this. This is an initiative. Maybe like, so here's what I learned. I like this. This is initiative. This is a new segment here. This is a new segment on Jacked Up called Things I Learned. Okay. Things I learned from football this week. I learned what a sip arm is. Okay.

Tell the people in case, you know, there's some people out there who are also learning. I knew what it was, but it's when you just put your arm out. Yeah. And then that's it. That but it's when you just put your arm out. Yeah. And then... That's it. That's it. For those watching. And I also learned that I get slightly turned on at stiff arming. Hey.

What? It's really hot. Is what I meant. Listen, this is why boys play sports, okay? Deep down, they know that chicks want to bang them if they do cool things on the football field. You stiff arm a guy, Jackie will fuck you. Exactly. I learned that Carson Wentz is a ginger.

For some reason I thought he was black and he's not black. Carson can go either way. I feel like Carson can be like country club or it can be like I'm like a wide receiver. I was picturing him as Reggie Bush for some reason. And he's not Reggie Bush. I guess I'm thinking more of Carter not Carson I mean, he's not Reggie Bush. No, no. Yeah.

I guess I'm thinking more of Carter, not Carson. Yeah, Carson, I definitely have a boy. I got Carson Daly kind of fucking spoiled the pot on that one for me. Can you type black guy named Carson? See if anything pops up on that one. Ben Carson. That's his last name. That's probably who I was thinking of.

Oh, sure. Ben Carson. You were definitely thinking of the former HUD secretary. Yeah. Yeah who I was thinking of. Oh, sure. Ben Carson. You were definitely thinking of the former HUD secretary. Trevor Lawrence's hair stays silky smooth even in the cold, which means that he has some great hair

routine regimen. That is an original thought from Jack Doe that I don't think anybody's ever... That's some NFL analysis that you're not going to get anywhere else. Sorry, I was thinking about Ben Carson. What did you say? Trevor Lawrence's hair stays. When you're in the cold and you're working out in the cold, normally your hair teases up

unless you have high protein in your hair, which means that he has some kind of regimen that he needs to drop his routine right now. Drop it in the comments. You're not going to hear that from any other talking heads.

Okay, this was another original thought that I had that then I was like, no, you don't know what you're talking about.

Wait, I don't mean to interrupt, but are there other things you learned? Can we go back to that? We learned stiff arm. These are things I learned.

You learned stiff arm. You learned he was ginger. You learned he has good hair. Yes. Pretty hair based. No more interrupting. There was two he has good hair. Pretty hair based. No more interrupting. There was two things that were hair. Three.

Again, an original thought that I was like, you don't know what you're talking about. Somebody tweeted at me, you can't leave time on the clock for Tom Brady either. Big one. That's the original. Wait, wait, that's your original. Yeah, that's. Before Aaron Rodgers, it was Tom Brady either. Oh, big one. Babe, that's the original Keeley Tom Brady. That's your original,

yeah, that's, before Aaron Rodgers, it was Tom Brady saying he'd Keeley. You guys come at you guys with new ideas and you guys just shame me for it. What?

I'm not shaming you. You guys are just like, how stupid are you for not knowing that? I didn't say that at all. I'm just educating you. Tom Brady's been the Tom Brady of the Clock

since 2001. Yeah, that would almost be like, I learned today that you can't let Michael Jordan take the would almost be like, I learned today that, like, you know, you can't let Michael Jordan take the last shot. Well, I knew that he was, like, good, but, like, you know, that's Aaron Rodgers' game. No, no. Aaron Rodgers is just Tom Brady if Tom Brady lost.

No. Okay. Yeah, they call, like, the touchdown Tom was when you can't leave time on the clock for touchdown Tom or never count out touchdown Tom because he – it's more not time on the clock. It's don't count him out because Tom Brady is like the ultimate fourth quarter game winning drive guy. Oh, okay.

But that's true too, yes. Well, this is a list of things I learned. Not you, Josh. Not you. Fair. It's not called John Duff. It's called Jack Duff. This one's also like a, this is actually informative.

I learned about the miracle at New Meadowlands 2010, Eagles versus Giants. And then Deshaun Jackson. I can't forget what happened. He scored. I think he just made, he scored. At the end.

And then they won. And I actually don't even remember who won. But I think it just made, he scored at the end. And then they won. And I actually don't even remember who won. But I think it was the Eagles. It was, what kind of touchdown was it? Was it a, did he catch it? It was a good one. Did he run it? It was good.

It wasn't. Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no. He ran. And then he, I think, you know, he ran it. He got it. And then he ran. And got it and then he ran and then but then sorry I've established that

sorry okay but then but then he was like he was about to reach the goal line the line

sure end zone and then he like swerved off a bit and he kind of teased them a little bit because he wanted to make sure there was no time on the clock time on the clock make sure there was no time on the clock

time on the clock all roads lead back to time on the clock I thought he was just kind of being an asshole about it I also think DeJount actually would just be

the fucking asshole yeah but I think also he drained the clock there were like two seconds left that's probably the only play done by a team who I don't root

for aside from the Michigan in hockey where I remember where I was when I saw it. That's crazy. Giants fans were fucking gutted. Yeah. It was great. I was watching with a bunch of Giants fans.

Brutal. They kicked it right to them. It was insane. Insane. Sorry I kind of tuned out there for a little bit. Sorry I guess I'm talking football. Back to Jacked Up. Sorry. I honestly just out there for a little bit, but yes. Sorry, I guess I'm talking about football. Back to Jacked Up. Sorry, sorry, sorry. And I honestly just didn't watch that much football this week,

so I didn't learn that much. That's great, because we're going to do a new segment today. What? We're doing a new version of Jacked Up. Okay? Are you ready? We're going to do one minute on the clock. Okay? Are you ready? We're going to do one minute on the clock. Okay?

Are you ready? What am I doing? This is Jacked Up, the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer story. Go. Okay. Here's an issue, a recurring issue in my life. Whenever I say I watch a movie,

my friends are like, describe it for us. Have you really seen it so now that i'm i'm realizing that like i haven't i don't know it's okay um fuck rudolph rudolph it's going so much better oh my god i'm getting so nervous 36 yes yes a red nose and it lights up, right? And he's, like, embarrassed about his nose. And so, but Santa's like, no, you're good. What is this about? Oh, and all the little elves make fun of him? No, all the reindeer make fun of him because they don't have, like, the red noses or whatever.

But I don't know why. They don't explain why he has this red nose. Why does he even... What's wrong with this man's nose? Maybe they should have made fun of him. So they're making fun of him. So they're making fun of him, but then he can fly really well or something.

I think. Fuck! Okay, okay. And then what about that? I think Santa's like, I'm going to give you a chance. And then he goes and, like, he impresses him somehow. I think he just, like, flies well.

Oh, because he can, like, show the way because of his nose. Shine so bright. Because he shines so bright. Wait, but, like. Once you guide my. Guide my sleigh tonight. But, like could have just sold those but I is little nose like doing all the guiding like isn't there like the moon right you're making the moon be a much bigger the moon that night you know um yeah and then and then all the other reindeer

they they loved him and they shouted out his name with glee right yippee and there you have it

that is jacked up Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Edition valid points raised by Jackie yeah what the fuck's wrong

with that guy's nose uh why why were you solely relying what about all the other times that you ever guy's nose? Why were you solely relying? What about all the other times that you ever took the sleigh out and you didn't have a fucking glowing nose reindeer? It was fog.

I'm pretty sure that's why. Right. Okay, why is Rudolph's reindeer, why is his nose red? Your reaction to me saying fog. Well, it's also just like, what? Like Santa can go to like billions of houses in life, but he can't figure out how to get through fog? Absolutely.

I'm totally with you. Like, out of all the obstacles that Santa has to figure out to deliver all the gifts in one night, deal with chimneys and fire and all these things, he can't fucking get through a cloud? Like, I think he's just trying to make Rudolph, like, feel good or, like, not get picked on anymore. Also, might I put this out there?

Fuck those reindeer after the fact. Oh, now you want to come around? Now I saved your life and saved Christmas with my nose and now you think I'm cool? Suck my reindeer dick. It's also like, then they get this whole other song about all the other reindeer and they're like,

you know, there's Rudolph. On Dasher, on Dancer, on Iron Blitz. Yeah, Dasher and Dancer, and they all like, it's this happy little family, but they were all assholes to my guy Rudolph. Rudy is like, fuck all y'all. I'm going to go celebrate Hanukkah. Peace. So we'll be doing your regular weekly recap of football,

but we'll also be doing jacked up non-football edition. So if you would like to submit any ideas, we need to do them in a way that Jackie doesn't see them. I think if people leave a comment about it, we won't tell her which one. So don't go look in the comments, Jackie. But even she could look, but as long as people are commenting

what they want Jackie to talk about. I just want her to not know ahead of time. I'm going to be honest. I'm probably not going to study up on any of this because I don't like to do that. I'm going to do this like I always do it. Half-assed. Wait, I also have one more football thought.

Okay. Okay. I think that, and this might be dumb, but surprise, surprise. I think the more teams be dumb but I surprise surprise I think the more teams need to have the I don't know

could be cool attitude and I think that they need to go less for the field goals and just take the fourth down

because I don't know could be cool that's that's that is rather revolutionary there are mathematics to back you up in a lot of instances

that people should just go for it because, I don't know. It's very new football. It took football 100 years to realize this, and it took you 12 weeks. How about this? Pretty good. How about this? I'll meet you halfway.

You get three field goals per game. You're allowed to kick the field goal three times. Oh, I like that. Maybe four, but I think when you see a kicker with four field goals, that's a big day for him. Three field goals, and you've got to pick. So, like, first quarter, you're like, we might need to kick a game-winning field goal.

There's no way I'm going to kick a field goal now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're not even going to consider using them until the second half, really. So the first half is going to be awesome. And then in the second half, it's like pick and choose your spots. Could you imagine if you're down two and you get to like the one yard line, but you don't have any fucking field goals left and you're like, fuck, we got to go for it or whatever. That would be, I like that.

Or as many, maybe the same thing as timeouts. You have as many field goals as you do timeouts or some shit like that. Wait, can you do a field goal on like the first, second or third down? Yeah. You lose that, but if you miss it, then the other team misses the ball. You don't get multiple. You have to get it through. Can you kick it

and just... Could you kick it and then catch it and not have it go? The other team can catch it and run it back. I guess sometimes you kick it on second or third in case something goes wrong. But once you kick it, you know, that's it. Yeah, yeah.

We're doing other things. I was watching the – on the plane last night, I was watching Packers, Chargers. I'm so sick of onside kicks. Get rid of them. Because they never work? They don't work enough. I saw an idea. I don't know if it's an official proposal or whatnot.

I saw an idea kind of back when they were doing the rules committee. Team gets a fourth and 15 instead. Love that. Wait, what? You get a fourth and 15 instead. Where? What do you mean though? Instead of... Yeah, like your own 25. Oh, you just like right off the bat, you get a fourth. It's fourth and 15. You convert that

and keep the drive going, then you get the ball. Oh. How about something where you get to do this once again? You can't do this. you get to choose one time but they make it a little more attainable i think that's what it is the fourth and 15th a little more yeah you know but you still have to kick it i mean so like there's less guys on the field for them or something like that where it's not just like well imagine like imagine like the super bowl yeah fourth and fourth and 15 and you're, this is the play here. That would be awesome.

I think that that, I don't know. I guess you got to look at the numbers like fourth and 15, but that might be not, I feel like that's easier, a lot easier than an onsides kick conversion. I think it's a lot easier, but I think it's still not easy. I think it's still probably 10%. And you still have to go the rest of the fucking field. We'll give Jackie credit for that one too. I'm sorry, I do not.

Jackie was listening to nothing there. I saw the look on her face. What were you thinking about? Well, I was like thinking about all the things that the Rudolph guy could have I knew it was going to be about Rudolph.

I knew she was going to go back to Rudolph. Why would he even think of a red nose to give him? Well, it was like a birth defect. I was just trying to think of his thought process. He didn't want the red nose. It was like a birth defect. No, you wanted the author. I'm just like thinking

Are they trying to say that he's birth defect. No, you're not the author. I'm just like thinking, is it? No, is it? Are they trying to say that he's like? Yes. No, they are. Okay. They are. They definitely are. Yeah, I mean, it's a story of like.

Yeah, he's like autistic, but he's great with flashlights. Okay. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. All right. So next week, we'll do like the fall of the Roman Empire. Oh, my God. All right. so next week we'll do like the fall of the Roman Empire. Oh, my God.

All right. Top fives today. Top fives is inspired by the – Top fives. Oh, fuck. I didn't realize we were only on top fives. Yeah, we have top fives and voice mail. The four-hour podcast.

We have an interview. We have like several interviews. We have a five-hour podcast. Well, we missed last week. We only had one last week, so this is now going to be a big one. This is going to be a crazy one. We're going to go these five fast. Top fives today is inspired by this meme floating around social media about the most – you introduce this.

Okay, top fives. I had a popular tweet yesterday. Top fives today is brought to you by Nabjitsu. Nabjitsu, are you one of those people that are always tired? Yeah. Are you finding yourself reaching for like a pick-me-up throughout the day? Yeah. Do you need to find a better way to energize?

Are you wearing the ring I found in the trash? Yeah, I was going to see how long it took you to figure out. Okay. We're all playing these games around here. Okay. Do you need to find a better way to energize? Yep. Are you looking for a healthier option

to help you power through that 2 p.m. letdown? Yes, always. What about maybe a natural option? That would be the best. I hate unnatural things. Would you love a midday nap? Yes. What about a little nap jitsu then?

May I recommend nap jitsu? What is this? Because it sounds like a little nap jitsu then? May I recommend nap jitsu? What is this? Because it sounds like a secret nap. It's a natural supplement that's made by the people who know what the fuck they're doing. Using ingredients like vitamin B and guarana and ginseng and all that good stuff that gives you that boost of energy. So you don't have to reach in and drink some coffee. You don't have to get some caffeine. You don't have to do a gross hour energy thing.

And you're not going to get something that just gives you that big crash in an hour where it's like I was just like highballing it over here. No. This is a natural supplement, a natural solution to that midday, oh my god how can I possibly get through the rest of this day. So

Napjitsu is a product designed to help you achieve your optimal performance and unlock that lasting energy. You're doing jujitsu to nap day. So Napjitsu is a product designed to help you achieve your optimal performance and unlock that lasting energy. Sounds like you're doing jujitsu to nap time. That's exactly what it is. Yeah. It's like. No need.

No thanks. Don't want it. It's almost like, no, this is like, if you wanted a nap, this is like a nap. It's a karate nap. Yeah. Napjitsu. Hi. So go to napjitsu.com.

N-A-P-J-I-T-s-u.com slash kfc radio get 30 off your first purchase today when you go to napjitsu.com slash kfc some nap jitsu right now for real i got that i got that fucking 330 324 feeling we got we might need to have it let's have an intermission in our podcast can we we do that? Can you play some music? Sure. Yeah, just to fuck around. Okay, so this is... Okay, so top fives. There's a very...

It's like a meme, I guess, right? I don't know. This is old people talking. It's a trend. Social media trend. It's like the feminine urge to blank. The feminine urge to... I don't know.

Right. Can you name the masculine urge, the feminine urge? What were some of the feminine urges? Because today we're going to do the masculine urges. So what were the feminine urges? I think I saw like attack Jake Gyllenhaal on site. Right. Okay.

Right. Right. So these are things that just stereotypically men and women would, are inclined to do. Okay. So I will go first. It was a tweet I sent yesterday. The masculine urge to fake a play action to nobody when playing catch in a parking lot. Love it.

That is, I mean, it's a little bootleg out sometimes. I don't know. I'm more of a pocket guy, so I kind of move the feet. You do that with absolutely nobody? Literally nobody. I'll do that with, like, I feel like if I have a ball, I'll, like, just go up to you and fake it. Like, I need, like, somebody to fake the handoff to. But I'm playing catch.

I'll throw the ball at my brother. So the play action is to no one. Oh, got it. You're still playing with somebody. I'll almost do the opposite, where I want to end up throwing the ball, but I'll fake the hand off to you and then roll out. But either way,

you don't have all the necessary people to complete this play. Love that. Love that. I'm going to go with the masculine urge to slap this play. Love that. Love that. I'm going to go with the masculine urge to slap the doorway when I walk through. Oh, that was your number two. Mm-hmm. And really, it just comes down to touching everything. Yeah.

I think that's actually a boy and girl thing. Boys just are known to touching stuff. Touch, yeah. Because there's finger... I mean, my mom used to be so mad at us, and I never got it until I was old enough, and I just started to see it. There's just like fingerprints everywhere. Freshly new painted wall, just fingertips

all over the fucking doorway. Okay. The masculine urge to shoot Gatorade bottles and water bottles into the trash. And yell, Kobe! Kobe. That's a good one. That's one that I do. My pick is going to be one that I don't do

and I actually hate, but I have to admit it, the masculine urge to work through your golf swing. Ah, yes. I hate guys that do that. Guys that do it, I don't play golf. That's even crazier. But I got friends who, in the middle of our conversation, are just like, yeah, man, I know what you're talking about.

And they do that shit where they stop it. They're like, nope, nope, bet my arm, bet my arm. They're like, okay, uh-huh. You know, like, totally and they do that shit where they like they stop it they're like nope nope got my arm you know like totally man totally oh stop doing that um okay fuck i just had it what was it oh the masculine urge and this is more of the uh boyhood urge but whenever i'm sticking with it the boyhood urge to see how fast you are in your sneakers hmm i like that. Yeah. Because you know you're going to get faster. Yeah.

Maybe throw it like jump higher. I need it fast enough for me. I mean, this is a panic pick right now because I'm forgetting the one I had in my mind. The masculine urge to, again, maybe more boyhood, stick your dick in like anything that will receive it. Just anything that, like I'm looking at that green circle thing i want to put my dick in that yeah i was thinking loaf of bread sure yeah sure i would love to fuck a watermelon i thought about that a lot in my life nice and fleshy yeah i feel like i could get off it um okay fuck now we're really getting to it we did not research this uh for the masculine urge to die of testicular cancer ain't happening to girls yeah it ain't happening well actually most people don't die from it so that's gonna get it to stick with cancer okay um

that's got a pretty high survival rate the masculine urge to nut tap a guy or anything that goes with it the major look game with the circle such a good one fuck the masculine urge is this your 5th?

yes it's my 5th the masculine urge to... The masculine urge to argue about whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie. I'm going to go... Again, something I hate. But I think this is a slam dunk, the masculine urge to complain about my fantasy team. Oh, God.

He's on my fantasy team. He won this one. I got him on fantasy. He's not playing. Basically, it's just like all the things that Pabst does. Just like all those I related to a lot list of things that straight dudes do Jackie give me a

feminine one for the send off here the feminine urge to um something only you broads do this will be Jackie's honorable mention on the graphic fuck I'm not good at like mention on the graphic. Fuck.

I'm not good at, like, thinking on the thought. Wait, can I? Give me a masculine urge. Or, I don't know, maybe a feminine urge. Ah! Get it? He's gay! I tweeted the homosexual urge to tell my friends

to just don't give a fuck about this football game that's on TV. You're not a football guy at all? I do, but, like, not really. I don't sit down fuck about this football game that's on TV. You're not a football guy at all? I do, but not really. I don't sit down for Red Zone, basically. Nick? Oh, shit. You said tap the doorway? Yep.

I had one at the top of this. I know if I give it some thought, I could come up with some really good ones. Got one, Paps? Oh, to sketch out on your bike. Oh! like yeah that's a great one it's a great one fishtail snack shake when you get it i like that i like that that that's almost that's more of a dad thing but yeah i'm actually yeah i've been doing that a couple years did you it's like maybe i'm just looking at my dad do it but now i'm almost not doing it now because it's become a thing i'm almost aware of it and i I'm like, I'm thinking about it,

so I don't just naturally. I like this. That is one of the better answers. Roll the dice. You got nothing? Just what is something you do as a girl? I literally can't think of anything that I do as a girl right now. I saw one that was funny.

It was like the feminine urge to hold your boobs when you're bored. Sure, that's a great one. I had one on deck that escaped me. I gotta write these things down. But it was on par with that. I was like, oh, that's a great one. But yeah, just holding your junk for sure. Alright, that's a great I'm going to come up with five more of those to be honest. I really like

that one. Alright, voicemails today are brought to you by Upstart. The holidays are here. I'm going to come up with five more of those, to be honest. I really like that one. All right. Voicemails today are brought to you by Upstart. The holidays are here. Money's going to get a little tight. You've got to make sure you get all your gifts for your loved ones and your little ones. And if you need some extra cash right now or if you need to get out from underneath some debt that is crippling you, that's where Upstart comes in. It's the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online. So you can secure some cash right now to pay off that debt or to pay off a big expense

or maybe keep some people happy during the holidays and make sure they get what they want. I don't know, perhaps buy them some fucking power wheels off the top of my head or maybe a fucking slide for outside on their jungle gym. Maybe a Nintendo Switch, even though they're probably definitely, certainly too young to play with that.

Hypothetically. If you need more money to buy those things you can go to upstart uh and so whether you're paying off the credit cards or you're consolidating high interest debt or you're paying off the big bills like i said upstart will help you do that because they know you're more than just your credit score they know that you uh you know maybe you've been like a couple gentlemen who have never really used credit cards. So you haven't really built up your credit. You don't have bad credit. You just have no credit. That's what they say. No credit is worse than bad credit. And guess what? Guess what we have? I have great credit.

Do you? Yep. $740. But you didn't have a credit card. I guess I've just been doing good with it since then. When did you get your credit card? I don't know. Like two years ago. I talked about it on this podcast. Right. I remember that. Yeah, okay. Yeah, so Upstart will consider your income, your current employment status, all that kind of stuff to make sure that you get the best rate possible for your loan and secure that cash in up to as little as, I should say, 48 hours, one business day after accepting your loan, just a five minute online rate check that you can get a loan for anywhere between one and $50,000 in one business day.

Go to upstart.com slash KFC to find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today. Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit income and certain other information provided in your loan application. Upstart.com slash KFC. Hey, KFC fam. First time, long time. Troy here again. I'm the guy the last time I put a video in. I called slots VLTs.

Sorry about that. I'm from Saskatoon up in Saskatchewan. We call them VLTs up here. There he is. I could have told you this guy was Canadian. It's like a Canadian Rome. Sorry about that. I'm from Saskatoon up in Saskatchewan.

We call them DLTs up here. Anyways, I got another one for you. So I was just at the grocery store, and as I was going through the checkout line, the baggage lady, the girl who put my groceries in my grocery bag, was a doppelganger to Adriana Cechik. And not just like kind of sort of like a mirror image, and it shook me as soon as I noticed it. And I kind of started staring at her.

And as a typical male brain would do, the fantasy realm started turning in my head. And, you know, Adriana's putting the bags away all sexy. And all of a sudden she pulls me to the back room and starts undressing. And is like, you've got to pile drive me right now. And I kind of shook and came to. And it's not because the girl noticed that I was staring at her that made me kind of come out of the fantasy. It's not I pussied out in my own fantasy in my own head. I'm such a bitch I wouldn't even follow through with a fantasy in my own head.

Oh, yeah. So I guess my question is, girlfriends, significant others aside, if that kind of fantasy story, a nurse, baggage, or whatever you want to call it comes true in real life for you guys, do you think you'd be able to go through with it? Got it. All right. Thanks, Viva.

Flew away. I mean, I let it free. Yeah. Okay. So here's the deal. I mean, this is- This is right up your alley. I mean, impossibly almost, I can relate.

I have lived this story. When I was driving to see- Christy Mack. I was going to say, it's almost to a T, it's just Adriana Cechik for Chrissy Mac. It's just my old flame for my new flame. By the way,

we should reach out to Chrissy Mac. She's a lot more active on social media again. She's kind of over... I think she's back fucking around. The thing,

yours is much more reasonable because play tough guy all you want. Stepping up and being like, I'm going to get my dick sucked by a porn star

in a bar right now is intimidating. Whereas for your own fucking fantasies, you can go through with it. You know what I mean? I don't even have fantasies anymore, man. Last time I had a fantasy. Not a fucking fantasy

mid-pound. Somebody asked me this the other day, what's your fantasy? And I was like, I literally started reciting the ludicrous lyrics. Dude, my fantasy... Dude in the library on top of books. My fantasy is fucking like, what do I actually fantasize about?

Like, preventing school shootings. Like, I'm a fucking bulletproof vest running through a hallway with guns. For sure. That's what I'm saying. My dick, I've never had a fantasy involved with my dick. No, not in many years. Yeah, but if I had a fantasy, it's I have a different dick.

That's my fantasy. Let's watch that show Yellow Jackets. At one point, there's a couple that are in therapy. They're trying to get through their troubles. And like, why don't you do like some role play shit? And he's like, can you be like a customer? And he runs a furniture store. He's like, how't you do like some role play shit and he's like can you be like a customer in he runs a furniture store he's like how about you be a customer and she's like what and they try it out it's super awkward it's a painful scene to watch as a fan you're like oh my god oh my god oh

my god but like i never had one of those like i would never be like okay so like we're in the barstool office like i've just finished the rund, and you come downstairs and tell me I used the wrong promo code. Never have I come up with a practical, if you will, fantasy. And then I've also never had the other extreme where, and you know what's funny? In that scene for Yellow Jackets, the girl starts to try to, she's like, okay, I'll do it. And she all of a sudden just uses a British accent, and immediately I was thinking about you. Yeah? Fucking Russell Brand.

Oh, yeah. That's also the problem. If anyone ever... You'd soak your fairy wall, would I? If anyone ever proposes this idea to me, I'm going to be like, I will be thinking about Final Breath. We can do this,

because I'm not here to kink shame or stop you from living out your fantasies. Just know, while I'm fucking you and we're doing this, I will be thinking about John and not you. Dude, my buddy, you see this with his girlfriend, where he would say fantasies. There are only two I can particularly remember.

And one was he wanted her to be the Chinese delivery lady. And he's like, I want you to be like... And this is serious, like sexy. It's not funny? Like he's not doing it for fun? He's doing it for fun for him. Got it. His fantasy is making her cry.

And like he was like, I want like your eyes taped back. I want you to be really. And she's like, Chris, this is so racist. And he's like, that's what I want. And he's like, I want you to speak in like an offensive accent. And she's like, no, I can't do this. He's like, come on. I love that she was even considering it.

It's what I want. And then that one I wasn't there for. That's very funny. Yeah. If you're offended or worried, he's dead. He got what was coming to him. But the other one was, this one I was present for. They were sitting at the beach.

And he's like, can we just go into the water and kiss like mermaids? And she's like, no. And he's like, it could be so sexy if we're both coming up into a wave and we both kiss at the same time as we come out of the water with our lips together. And she was like, I really don't want to do this. He's like the whole – everyone is going to stand on the water and watch. And, like, it'll be, like, almost like the end of, like, Free Willy or some shit. No, fucking Ariel.

Little Mermaid. Where, like, Little Mermaid and Prince Eric, like, come up together. And, like, he's, like, so passionate about it. And she was so uncomfortable that it was Exceptionally funny that I don't leave I've never had a fantasy I could die. What do you say fancy? That's my thing. I the only fantasy I ever had was like doing physical things Yeah, I want to fuck you. I want to fuck this hole. I want to fuck this way I want to do this position I want to do you know what I mean? It was never a setting or a scenery.

And then once you're fucking old, it's like, oh shit. What's my fantasy? You don't ask me what my fantasy is. That's it. Seriously. My fantasy is you pay my fucking child support this month. That's a true fantasy. When I come up with a fucking

fictitious world where something happens that really makes me happy. Cut the check to my ex-wife. That would make me really hard. I will come so hard and make that wire transfer instead of me. Do you have to pay more during Christmas? I have to pay more all the fucking time. All the fucking time. That's my fantasy.

Next voicemail. Unless you want to stay around. Next, please. I got myself in trouble. He got himself in trouble. Ready? Here we go. Whoa. Hey, guys. This is Sydney.

Long-time listener, first-time caller. Definite first-time video caller. I was listening to the latest episode on my way to my massage and you guys were talking about the guy who doesn't believe in february 29th and how he deserves to be like fired and made destitute and his children don't respect him and all that stuff and the lady who gave me my massage just casually slipped in how this year the clocks didn't go back one hour. They went back two hours. And how you can't find it online,

but it totally happened. Love that theory. And I just wanted to know, where's the line of like, oh, that's cute. You kind of pat them on the head and move on versus like, no, they deserve to have their life be destroyed.

Where is that line when it comes to just ridiculous conspiracy theories? That is so funny to think that some dude, undoubtedly a guy, told this masseuse chick, no, no, no, they set it back to you. And she's just been running around telling people. And then she's already got it cocked and loaded because she said to him, no, I just Googled it.

No, no, no. It's not on record. I'm not telling anyone. Yeah, it's a secret this year. It was two hours, not one. That is such a stupid, harmless lie. I love it. I think that line,

if you're wondering where it is, like pat on the head, I think there was a time, this is almost kind of a nice bookend for the episode, where I would have probably pushed back and been like wow that's crazy but now I'm like the devil on your shoulder where I am just going to completely agree with you

and push you further into the rabbit hole and I would be like I just want to see I just want to see people be the most extreme versions they can be where I'm like let's see how fucking how deep you'll dive into this. Dude, like the,

I was with my dad this weekend, and one of his friends was like, talking about how like, like mental health. And he was like, he was like, he's like, John Henry, how many like,

how many kids, how many guys your age you think are like, like fucking, like when I was young, we just sucked it up. How many guys your age you think just don't suck it up? And I could feel my dad

be like, I'm in the backseat wearing like sad boy suits and a hat and such. And I was like, too fucking many, I'll tell you that. Bunch of fucking nannies

running around my age. No one's just sucking it up. He's like, I know it. I knew all of them were pussy. They're all fucking pussies and cowards. And I was like, I know it. I knew all of them were pussies. They're all fucking pussies and cowards. And I was

like, I can see my dad just shaking his head like, now he's mocking him. He doesn't even know he's mocking him. So I would be like, hell yeah, you're right. I heard about this thing on www. That was too many W's. 6 W's. I heard about this thing on www. That was too many W's.

That was six W's. I heard about this thing on www. I have fucking shit for brains.com. And you're right. Is it real? Yeah, it is. I heard in Arizona it was three hours. That is something that I, yeah, I, to a stranger, I'm never to a stranger I'm never telling them never

calling them out not fucking to someone to a friend or a co-worker or something how bad does it have to be unless I live with you I'm not calling you out really yeah oh I mean if it's for content maybe no but if it's not for content oh that's not true though cuz if you're if you're like be like if I by, if we go back over to our desks and someone says something really stupid, you'd be like, that's not true at all. Well again, but it'd be for content. No, but let's say there's no cameras on. I think, I think I don't want to do it for content. No, like when, like when Frankie says something crazy, but that would be in hope. Even I'm hoping for cameras. Even if I, even if I wasn't hoping for cameras, if Frankie said something,

I guess Frankie, like there, like, there's more fucking like, cans of coke than there are fucking, you know, fish in the sea or something. Paddling along, I don't know. I'd be like, no, that's wrong. As I think of it, it's like, actual like, like, problematic

thoughts. Yeah, like if you have a firm opinion about something socially or politically. Like if someone had an actual fucking fucking belief? Like a fucking vaccine take. I'm not correct. Whatever, bro. What the fuck ever.

I remember the on like January 6th a couple of people here who lead a little more right were like, so what do we do? And I was like, I'm not even going to jump in with them.

Like, whatever, do your fucking thing, man, I don't give a shit. But the... Call to action. Yeah.

Pulled out a fucking gun. This is a symbol we were waiting for. This is what I want? Yeah. Q told me this was going to happen. It was a real meeting of the minds.

It was like five feet away from me. I was like, I'm not touching that shit. But yeah, if it's someone I have a good relationship with and it's funny, then yeah, I'll fucking joke around with you. But I'm not earnestly- But if it's going to lead to a debate or an argument or whatever, I also feel like if

it's going to make fun of you and shame you at all and make you feel uncomfortable and I like you at all, I'm not going to do it. Right, right, right. I will let you go lead that life and continue to embarrass yourself. Yeah, I'm not going to do it. I will let you go lead that life and continue to embarrass yourself. I'm just here to fuck around. I'm here for the fuckery. I have so many stains on this shirt, I have to change it before Taylor comes.

Let's hope it's not cum. No, they're yellow. Change your pants. Cracker Boy's back! Last time I submitted a video, I got told that because I pee after I jerk off, I have a pussy. Um, but then you guys just talked extensively about how you probably should pee after you jerk off.

So, fuck off. I don't have a pussy, okay? Anyways, I'm in an English class, uh, and we got handed new books, uh, halfway through the semester. And I forgot to get a book on the day that they were handing them out. However, I was under the impression that we were just going to be doing like one class discussion on it and then moving on. So I did ample enough research on the internet to be able to hold my own inset discussion only to find out that we were going to be covering it extensively

for the rest of the year. So I was faced with two options. Option number one would be to go to my teacher, get a book for free, incredibly convenient, really easy for the small price of about 30 seconds of confrontation where I have to admit to my teacher that I never got a book and then didn't do anything about it for over a week or option b um spend my own money and buy a book uh so naturally no hesitation no braider I went with option b um and after I did that I had to have I had to look myself in the mirror and ask myself when did you become such a fucking pussy that you would rather spend upwards of $20 of your own money for a book that you could get for free for about 30 seconds of being uncomfortable? And basically, I blame John.

And I've decided to take a hiatus from consuming content from fights because I think it's turning me into a coward and I find myself taking the path of least resistance so often and it's all your fault. So I guess my question is just, have you ever had content that you're consuming change who you are as a person? Yes. The answer is yes because I of all i can see this content

and it turned me into the most boring person of all time what in the world was this voicemail i i think we can cut it to like he's stopping listening to the show because i ruined no i but that's fine why are there so many bugs he have just gone. I think it's the same one. He could have just said that. I don't. That was the worst story I've ever heard in my life. Are we going to disregard that story that was cripplingly boring? That went on for two minutes and 20 seconds talking about, should I buy a book for my professor, Cracker Boy?

You are the least funny, least interesting person I've ever met in my life. No, I think Cracker Boy's funny. I think that one was. I think Cracker Boy's, look, he's two for three, right? The other two were good. Were they? Two for three. Because Christ on the cross, that shit sucked.

Two for three's not bad. Two for three gets you a Hall of Fame. It's a story about spending $20 on a book. Yeah, $20. I thought you were going to say like $400. $20, fucking. Now. I'm going to throw it away.

Who cares? We'll cut that out. We'll cut to the chase now. You have inspired a generation of cowards. Participation award trophies. Yeah, I don't give a shit. You're all awesome. Fuck it.

I don't even know what to say. But I think more, first of all, don't stop consuming the content. That is, I've got a few threats of that recently. People are like, you're so gross, I'm stopping. And don't stop consuming the content I've got a few threats of that recently people are like you're so gross I'm stopping and don't do that well stop being gross TV shut off twice by the way that's never happened

but the when I was a freshman in college freshman to sophomore year I was a freshman in college, freshman to sophomore year, I was entirely based on Dr. Perry Cox and Dr. House. That was just who I was. Your personality? I was just a fucking dick.

I was funny as hell to myself, but people thought I was an asshole because it was just like, fuck you. It was. I mean, I did not go to class. I was severely depressed. I did not go to class. I did not leave my dorm room. I sat in there, and on mega upload,

all I did was watch Scrubs and House. That's it. And so anytime anyone talked to me, because I was very depressed a snarky i was just know-it-all monster i was an asshole that was who's the other one i know house but who's the other one uh perry cox he's like the uh doctor in scrubs like the old one or not the old one but the he's the level between the old one and uh yeah fucking right okay i know that yeah yeah yeah and fucking Zach Braff. Yeah, you know, you're an asshole. That one was

big time. I think back to that. I had good friends, my best friends, but dude, you're different. And I was like, yeah, it's really, I think, carrying most of the weight on this is the depression, but yeah,

there is definitely a sprinkling of Perry Cox and Dr. House in here. That also, that has nothing to do, though, with this idea that the path of least resistance is a bad idea. Yeah, dude, it was $20. Take $20 out of your wallet right now and just throw it away.

Throw it in the garbage. Who gives a shit? Light it on fire. He goes, when did I become such a pussy that I would be willing to spend upwards of $20 of my own money? $20. I'll fucking eat a $20 bill right in front of you. Whatever.

The path of least resistance is like 99% of the time. That's not even like bragging. That's not even like being like, whoa, we're doing good. It is a $20. You guys have heard a $100 bill is an adult dollar bill a $20 bill is an adult nickel they're only singles but like I mean

I just can't even that is illegal Kevin is broke the law call the secret service the secret service handles money forgery you buffoon you fucking idiot muffin. Yeah, it is. I can't tell you.

I would. LeBron. LeBron. Yeah, I'm going to. Fuck you, fucking cracker boy. Fuck you, cracker boy. Path of least resistance, 99% of the time is the right idea. Always go with the path of least resistance.

You don't want your life to be a fucking uphill battle. You're resisting all the time. You don't want resistance in your life. Right. Fuck that. Put life on easy. Put life on easy mode. Use Game Genie. Unlimited Turbo.

Make life as easy and as least resistance as possible. Yeah, my example of that would be, spend $100 on the Kardashian game to get all the outfits you want. Don't fucking, you know, use credit cards for the free points. I did it. I did it. I did it.

I was like, there's that class action lawsuit with all the parents being like, my kid's spent so much money. I was like, yeah, let me get in on that. I was fucking Andy Reid in the bun pass and kick competition how do you do

fellow kids yeah I bought the Kim skin what'd you buy what'd you guys get yeah I took all my money it's their fault it's Kim's fault

totally alright interviews today are brought to you by a very important sponsor a brand new sponsor that I want everybody to get on board with. Oh, shit. Whistle.

Whistle. Now, let me tell you. Let me tell you a little tale. If you're a KFC radio listener, you could probably put the pieces of the puzzle together. But without naming names, I'm going to tell you a story about a sponsor of ours that was very much down with us for a long time, sponsored all of our content. And then you might have noticed, poof, disappeared. And it was because we did an interview with a porn star. Not just a porn star, the porn star, Abella Danger. And they jump ship. And Whistlepig has been the sponsor

that stepped up and filled in and slid in and filled that role here at KFC Radio. And so I want everybody, not only to get down with them because they got down with us, but to get down with them because this is fucking legit, dude. It is.

This is not some like liquor that it's like, well, you know, whatever. They're going to pay the bills for us. This is like a really good... I'm an expert in a few things, dude. This is not some liquor that it's like, well, you know, whatever. They're going to pay the bills for us. This is like a really good... I'm an expert in a few things, Kevin. Rye whiskey is one of them. Yeah, I mean, this is a real good bottle of whiskey. And Whistlepig is fucking... I thought they were fucking around

when they were like... You know that? Like, that's the... Right here. That's how you know. They get that pop. They were like, Whistlepig's going to come on as an appetizer. I was like, you've got to be kidding with me. Yeah! That's like my dream sponsor. That's not, you know, I didn't think like a little podcast. Cheers, bud. A little something for the boys.

A little something, 100% raw. Beautiful. Aged six years. In American oak barrels. This is one of, no, no. I'm going to say this is the most important sponsor that we've had I agree wholeheartedly. In maybe the history of our show.

Warm in my tummy! I love that feeling that it just coats, you know? It really does warm you up if you're out in the cold or you just want to warm up on a cold winter night. That's why it's perfect timing here that we hit the holiday season with Whistlepig. I can hit you with all the fucking stats here.

You know what I mean? It's 100% rye whiskey. It's got 95, 96.56 proof. It's been aged six years. You know, all that shit, sure. I believe it. I know it. All I can tell you is this tastes fucking good.

It tastes nice and warm. They are down with us. We are down with them. And if you are going to be drinking any rye whiskey, drink it. Do it with Whistlepig. If it wasn't for Whistlepig, there would be significant changes to KFC Radio. Honestly, a lot of money was going to be problems. And Whistlepig came in and saved it.

There would be very significant changes without Whistlepig. So let's do me a favor here. Get a bottle of Whistlepig, the piggyback, and just tweet hashtag thanks Whistlepig. I like that. That would be humongously beneficial to KFC Radio. Just a fucking nice little bottle of whiskey, hashtag thanks Whistlepig. What a tagline. Together we ride, R-Y-E-D.

Oh, beautiful. Ride or die. Whistlepig and KFC Radio, ride or die. Together we ride. That is beautiful. We are riders. R-Y-E-D. But really, go get yourself a bottle or a case of Whistlepig.

Enjoy it this holiday season. Tweet out hashtag thank you Whistlepig. And just know that if you enjoy this show and the format and the people and everything that we've been doing, it's only possible because of the void that they filled from other sponsors who didn't want to get down with us. So, thank you, WhistlePig. Everybody, go to WhistlePigWhiskey.com or hit up your local retailer or liquor store and get yourself a bottle or three. Today on the show, we've got Eric D'Alessandro from Staten Island. Very funny New York comic who is now

selling out theaters and taking over the scene as... He's just a fucking handsome guy. Just a real handsome funny cat who is a true New Yorker. And so it's Eric D'Alessandro on KFC Radio. Let's talk to him. So you went to FIT. You guys see a lot of the weird

fashion people around here? Dude, actually, not really. I mean, I definitely see more of like, you can tell like the girls who are FIT girls more so than the like fashion weirdos. It's about, I think there's like the homeless people have kind of taken over. Yeah, they just take over everywhere. I can't escape them, man. Like we lived in LA, now we live in Austin.

They're just fucking everywhere. Oh yeah, so you bounced around. Yeah. So you started, you. Like, we lived in LA. Now we live in Austin. They're just fucking everywhere. Oh, yeah? So you bounced around? Yeah. So you started, you're a New York guy. Yep. Went out to LA. Mm-hmm.

And then, what, like, pandemic moved to Austin? Kind of. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. What's, I mean, you touch them all, then. You've kind of seen every scene, then. Yeah. You've got to do, like, Miami next.

Probably. I mean, with, it's just, like, it's here. Like, LA's LA's rent is a little bit better than here but not much and in Austin you can get

a lot of shit and there's a great there's a great comedy boom happening there yeah it's really cool once Rogan went and decided

he was gonna build that gonna make that comedy club it's a girl follows like it's got its own vibe to it oh yeah but I wonder

was it like I wonder if people, you know, there was so much, so many people were being so dramatic about like, New York's dead, LA's dead, I'm moving here, and it's like, it's pretty much back to normal. I don't know who the hell would say that. I mean, it's kind of the dumbest thing to say.

It was a big thing during the pandemic. It really was. Cities are out. I mean, it's not quite the same. There's some weird things, but like, it's basically the same. Yeah. I don I mean, it's not quite the same. There's some weird things, but, like, it's basically the same. Yeah. I don't know. There's a bunch of people still pushing people in front of trains on the subway.

I don't know. That happened before. It happened again. It'll happen at the end of time. They'll be pissed on the street no matter where you go. I'm sure of it. Needles in the arm of people on the street. All right.

Are you pissed on the street has brought me to a question. Are you a shoes off or shoes out house? Oh, my mom never gave a shit about anything. Dude, I don't get people who care. People always try and explain to you. Why is that? Oh, because you walk in piss and then you go, yeah. You're like, do you understand what you walked through today?

You walked through piss and spit. I don't fucking care. It's going on the kitchen table. Deal with it. Yeah, I mean, I guess I'll come in the house, I take my shoes off if I just want to get comfortable, but I'm not, I don't know, at the same time, my kids will be jumping on my bed with their shoes on.

I'm like, I don't give a fuck. That's a little much. I don't know if I do the shoes on the bed. I'll sleep in my clothes. I don't care. The bed, I guess... You get home in the day. You're done for the day. You're wearing what you're wearing now. You get home for the day. What do you do?

Well, she yells at me. I'm not allowed to have outside clothes on. So you do the shoes then? You make him take the shoes off? I would like for him to. She makes me take my shoes off. On the bed, I hate. That's disgusting. I mean, I guess if you were

rolling around on the street or something. What are we doing? What the hell? Did somebody? What am I doing? What the hell? Did somebody like throw a bucket of fucking piss on you or something? I mean, we walked through the aisles of the home goods together. What the fuck am I? What am I?

I saw you out like working the fields or like some shit. I don't know. It's funny, man. It doesn't make sense. I get it. I haven't broken a sweat in six years. Don't worry. These clothes are clean.

What about how often do you wash your jeans? You're not supposed to wash your jeans. That's a guy who doesn't wash his jeans. I can always tell the guy who doesn't wash his jeans because they know that fact. I do. Do you put them in the freezer? A bunch of weirdos would do that shit too. I mean, mine are pretty fucking tight. So they lose tightness when you wear them for a while. So I do have to dry

them a lot. Try to get the tightness there. How many pairs of jeans do you have in your rotation? Tons? I have a lot of jeans. See, that I don't get, because to me, it's like the same shit. Oh, I get it, and also I would have been able to answer for you. This gentleman here has got a lot of jeans. Handsome fellow, leather coat,

band bun, jeans. You gotta look to you. That's an unbelievable shirt. Yeah, it's a good shirt. I made this. You made that? That's smart. I had a feeling. It's a very good shirt. I bought it from, I saw it online. I'm like, you know when you get just scrolling through Instagram, there's be a random shop

thing? Yeah. I did one of those. I'm spending all my money. I did one of those. You got this fucking shirt, dude. I did one of those from something. And we're talking like, it wasn't even Wish.

This was like fucking Hope. It was like, I hope that i get this oh yeah and it was it delivers in like 18 to 24 m&m was down uh the the justin timberlake was down here the m&m was completely off kilter it was a a long sleeve it was black i ordered it i asked him for another one they completely fucked it up again so i just made it she has a cricket and i just put the you should sell this thing is coming off. Yeah, you can see that. It needs a little... I washed it a couple of times, but...

That's a shirt that I think... You did that with the Office shirt that was just like... I don't know. I bought that because it was intentionally off. I went to see the Office off-Broadway, and they were selling merch at it, and, like, Dwight Schrute is over here, and it says, Got Beats.

It's a terrible shirt, but it's, like, so... It was like I have to have yeah of course yeah absolutely I bought shit on wish before that was like I bought one like on the fuck what were they oh it was like it was one of it's like a long shirt that says like I'm a I'm a Staten Island firefighter like who owns guns who ain't fucking around like it was like don't fuck with me my grandpa was a firefighter, who owns guns, who ain't fucking around. It's like, don't fuck with me. My grandpa was a firefighter. Yeah. Oh, man. You got the mustache going, too. There's only one person in the world who could fucking wear this shirt.

I can't imagine more than two people bought that. I want to see if I can pull it up. I bought a bunch of ridiculous ones. You kind of look like every fireman on Staten Island. Honestly, if this didn't work out, you probably would have just been a fireman, right? Me? Yeah, I think that you could have ended up there.

I could. Because you could live firehouse life. I probably would have fucking been in the military. I would have done whatever someone asked me. Yeah, you would be great at getting brainwashed by the military. Like if someone just came up and was like, hey, son, looking to travel the country?

And I'd be like, sure. How about the globe? Hell yeah. Fight for your country? Sure. You want to shoot a gun? And they're like, sure. How about the globe? I'm like, hell yeah. Fight for your country? Sure. You want to shoot a gun? Yeah. That sounds good.

Come on with me. You want to risk your life? Yeah. Should I tell my mom? She's like, don't worry about it. I'm an adult who, if I didn't have to come here in the morning, you could kidnap me on my way here. Very easy.

Where are you from originally? I'm from Fall River. It's like south of Boston. Half hour. Okay. South of Boston. So this is probably, New from Fall River. It's like south of Boston. Half hour. Okay. So this is probably, New York is probably, Boston's just clean, really. It's the only thing that's much different, right? No, it's a lot different.

Boston's very much a town. Before I moved here, if you wanted to have a conversation about it, I'd be like, it's the same thing as New York. You guys are fucking pussies. And also Yankees suck. It's music to my ears. But since moving here, which has been six years now, I think, it's definitely very different.

Boston, it's hard to get a pizza after 1 a.m. You can do it by a couch here if you want. That's so true. It's very, it's actually one of my favorite Onion articles. It's about how like, it's like, it's called,

I think the headline is something like Boston continues its cute run of pretending to be a real city or something like that. I mean, it's like the size of like, it's smaller than the Denver airport. It's smaller than the Denver airport.

Now, the Denver airport's freakishly large. But still, whatever. So you're Staten Island? Staten Island, yeah. Like born and raised there? Born and raised in Staten Island, yep.

I had to leave because I was going to become a fireman or a cop. And I would have. No, I mean, all my friends are. There's nothing wrong with that. But I couldn't fucking handle that shit. I wouldn't be able to do that. I feel like you are like a savior. You're like the one. You're like the chosen one

in Staten Island. Well, that's Pete Davidson, unfortunately. Yeah, yeah. But you know what? At the same time, I mean, yeah, Pete's killing it, but he's gone. No, no, I know. He lives in another universe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know where he... No, that's very true. You're still a Staten Island guy.

No matter where you live, you're a Staten Island guy. Yeah. I'm like the one who really, people who've been following me have followed me for fucking forever there. And I'm such a guy from the neighborhood. You put on for Staten Island. I went out there. Pete left when he was really young.

Got on SNL when he was like 20. I was grinding on girls at the bars when I was really young like got on SNL when he was like 20 I was I was grinding on girls at the bars when I was 20 doing my thing so like I was actually I went to high school and college

and like did all the Staten Island shit which is real grassroots Staten Island is a weird place have you ever been there? I mean like in

in very weird capacities like I I used to work for the sports radio at Fordham and the Staten Island Yankees was like a team that you covered. So I would like, yeah,

I'd like drive right over the bridge, watch the fucking game. That's a great stadium. it's awesome. It's awesome. And then I, as a Mets fan, I fucking hated it.

Even like in any way being associated with the Yankees. I was like, fuck this. I know. It was tough for me and my friends too, cause it was Yankees and we're all Mets fans. Yeah. Yeah.

It was hard. But like, you know, I've been in New York my whole life and I've had like zero real experiences in Staten Island. You know what I mean? Yeah, a good friend of mine once said, he's from Jersey

and we used to work together and he said, you have to be born into it. That's the only real way to understand that fucking place. It's really, it's one of the most interesting places I've ever, we live other places now.

It's really weird. It's a literal island. It's like island mentality. It's like island mentality. It's a real thing. People don't leave. I was going to say, it's right there, but it doesn't feel like it. No, I actually... You're like two feet, you just cross the bridge and you go there to Jersey, you go there

to Matt, but it feels like it's secluded. I know. It feels really... All islands, it doesn't matter if it's the nice islands, like you're talking about Fisher Island, the Vineyard, Nantucket, whatever. All islands, if you're a native, one of your ancestors were running from something someone was hiding on that island you you got it in your blood if you're a native of an island you got it in your it's it's part of your dna that you are a troublemaker i i actually made like this um when i was like figuring out what the hell I was trying to do with my life

when I was just lost I wrote like an hour and a half movie about Staten Island like it's about like me trying to make it out of there fucking Pete Ginn fuck you again oh you have no idea

it's called the ruler of Staten Island so like I mean there's people in Staten Island know the real king of Staten Island they know but anyway but like it's all about that shit

like I called it five miles from the spotlight which is supposed to be like we're only five miles by water but it might as well be fucking cross country I mean seriously

like getting here I had to leave my house at 4.30 in the morning to get here on time but like no seriously my sister used to throw out the t-shirts

at like Madison Square Garden like during the Knick games and shit and she'd get tickets all the time when they had like Penny now they're not giving me shit. Seriously, if you take public transportation,

it takes forever to get here. What would public transit even be? What do you take? So there's a few things you could do, right? So today we took, like you could drive, but it's just a nightmare. Today, there's basically, I don't know what they call it anymore,

but it's the express bus they used to call it which was like kind of the baseball teams take the games nice seats charges and shit like that it's like seven dollars right per person one way that's what that's what you take when like it's a little bit like nicer but like usually i do this thing in my act where it's like it's the reverse it's like a transportation museum in reverse it's like you get on a car then you get on a bus then you get on a train then you get on a fucking boat and then you get on a boat

like your immigrant parents coming grandparents coming to Ellis Island it's fucking perfect but like it could I think we made we made news once by having the in all of America

the longest commute time to work were for Staten Islanders it was like some people three hours if you live like in the south of Staten Island. But yeah. Get a new job. Yeah, right?

I would one day. What job would be worth that three hours? It would take me three hours to go quit is what it would be. Yeah, I'm not doing this again. Yeah, seriously.

I also feel like it should almost be, I feel like it's more connected to Jersey in a way than New York. Right? That was like legislation years and years ago.

Like Staten Island should just be part, like Long Island's got, New York has Long Island, Jersey has Staten Island. Long Island is weird. You're from Long Island? No.

Westchester. Oh, okay. Well, that's even stranger. That's its own weird little thing. Yeah. So Long Island, I love Long Island. I just played there

on Saturday night at Governor's and it's like a bizarro, it's like a Staten Island with just a little bit more land and I mean, I feel like a Staten Island with just a little bit more land. And I mean, I feel like there's a billion people crammed into Long Island. I only know that no matter where I go in Long Island, three hours.

People love to bitch in LA about how bad the traffic is. I'm like, you've never seen the Belt Parkway before. There's nothing like it. Like Levittown from Staten Island was like 45 minutes it took me two hours to get there like that's fucking insane

that's why I think a lot of people on Long Island stay on Long Island I feel like Staten Island is the same way where it's like just make your job

your family your everything just be on there and you don't have to go anywhere yeah you have like there's a window there's a window to get out and by the time you're 25

you're never you're pretty much done. Well, I got out of there later than that, but it's certainly got that vibe for sure. I don't really know why. So, yeah, I saw the write-up the third passing around. It was like you sold out in Staten Island. You sold out in Atlantic City. It was like, yeah, we got the clientele.

I get it. We got the people. I understand, man. That was like, yeah, we got the clientele. I get it. We got the people. I understand, man. That's awesome, though. I mean, you're putting out big numbers, man. It's been fucking wild, man. Yeah, the stupid pandemic, man. But yeah, it's been great, dude.

I love Boston. Boston is a great city for me, too. It's really cool. I just did Laugh Boston, which was fucking awesome. Was there a tipping point recently? When did you think you were like like when did it all of a sudden become

you know selling out like 1300 person theater type shit you know man that's a big jump man you know going from like the clubs to like that

it's I had a really weird trajectory I'm like I'm way different than like the stand-up comedian like route I really started hardcore online

and like the more I tried I love the internet guys and what's funny is like there's still this stigma among comedians that that I'm too big for TikTok. I'm a real comedian. Absolutely.

All their shit online is just stand-up, which is fantastic. Obviously, this guy's killing it like that. But for me, I didn't really start out as a true stand-up. I was known online. And every time I tried to go the industry route of what was trying to get auditions and trying to get the credits and it's all this fucking disgusting who-you-know

bullshit. And the more I just leaned into what I was good at, the better it worked out. And then we moved to LA in 2018 and I was like, I had I lost all momentum I had. I was just a fucking loser restarting and I just was putting out. Trying to do that shit you mean? Trying to do like the... Yeah, momentum I had. I was just a fucking loser restarting. And I just was putting out. Trying to do that shit, you mean?

Trying to do like the. Yeah, like I had a little momentum. I had an old manager. Like I was featured on Worldstar Hip Hop a bunch of times. That got me a bunch of followers and like stuff like that. Like on YouTube. So like you were doing internet stuff that was working. Yeah.

Moved to LA and kind of gave up on that. I gave up. I gave up like a while before that. I tried to get like a real job. I worked at Newark Airport. I almost killed myself with depression. Yeah, it was horrible. So wait, wait, wait.

What were you doing at the airport? I was flying planes, man. People who work at airports are crazy. To think that you commute to an airport to like, then just that's your office, basically. That's crazy. Yo, it was literally God being like, get out of here. Yeah.

Because there was a snowstorm every day for like a month, and I had sleep there, and I was like, I'm not doing this. Yeah, think about it. When people get their flight canceled or delayed, and they have to sleep in the airport or spend all day in the airport, that's like the worst day of their life. You just do that every day. Dude, my friends. You go to the airport all day, every day for your life. for your life yeah my friend when it snows he lives at the airport

they are just they plow and salt the runways 24 hours so you had so you had kind of you had made it you had some kind of following and then you were like yeah what so what happened was when i was like when i was like 21 22 i had a lot of momentum i was really killing it and like that's when youtube wasn't like YouTube yet. You've got to realize it was still, it had this stigma where, like, I think agencies were threatened by it. Hollywood was threatened by it. So they tried to downplay it as if it was going to go away. I feel like they tried to bury it.

It's like, oh, that cute little YouTube thing. They put this stamp as, like, internet guy, not real. So I was, like, feeling that. And I'm like, well, I want to really do it. So I got a manager who had giant clients and like we were doing

things together but I was also like I was 21 and I wanted to just or 22 and I wanted to just be single and go down the Jersey Shore

and do dumb shit get drunk date and she had me like she wanted me to come to Manhattan and like she was like

show up at an improv jam and like when you see the office when you see SNL you gotta realize those are like one in a million people one in a billion like most of the people who go to improv classes at UCB are not funny they want to be funny but they're making like all their jokes

have some sort of Lord of the Rings connotation that I didn't get you can't get anything going so like I was telling them like I don't fit in here like I wasn't the nerd in high school. Like I was hung out with like the football kids. I was like a regular kid and like it just didn't work out. So I was like,

I guess this isn't for me. Maybe I'm not supposed to do this. And then I just kind of like, kind of gave up and just started like going out with my friends and just like, I'll figure it out along the line. And then like shit just didn't go my way.

And then I didn't do anything for like five years and then I met her started doing open mics and got a manager again and tried to get like my my foot back in the door but like nothing was working and I just didn't know what the fuck to do and what year is this so this was 2013 to 2018 I'd say that five year period I was just like floating and all the momentum I had from Staten Island and Jersey and Brooklyn, that just went away completely. So, you've been in the game for a while, but growing to, like I said, selling out those theaters is really from 2018 till now.

Really? Yeah, 2018. So, what happened there? When I moved to LA, I also did a lot of Italian Staten Island material, and I'm sure people, that's all he does. But when you have to pay rent and it's all people, like, that's all he does. But like, when you have to like, pay rent and it's all you can do

is like, if people want this, I'm putting my ego aside, I'm going to do this. I don't even think, I mean, I get what they're talking about. It's like,

yeah, listen, I wish I was funny about every fucking topic in the world. I am now because I have a bigger following but like,

I had to do what worked. You know, ask Jeff Foxworthy if he's cool with making fucking redneck jokes. Of course. He's got $65 million in the bank, bro. Yeah, exactly. You know what Iworthy if he's cool with making fucking redneck jokes. Of course. He's got $65 million in the bank. Yeah, exactly.

You know what I mean? All those guys. You can find your niche and kill it. Yeah, 100%. And when we moved out there, I literally put out an Instagram bit probably three to four times a week for about a year. All I did was put up videos. And then I put tickets for sale at this place, like 150.

And the guy who owned the place was like, they sold out like in an hour. So then I was like, let's do another one. I think we did three or four of them. And then I did a place in Jersey in the summer of 2019. And it sold like 1500 tickets.

I don't know how it happened, but I was like. But do you, I mean, do you think that's because like, like local people like supporting and putting on, you know what I mean? Oh yeah. I mean, you can, you, I mean, do you think that's because like, like local people, like supporting and putting on, you know what I mean?

Oh yeah. I mean, you can, you can live off that for sure. You know what I mean? Oh hell yeah, man. There's much more to happen and grow and go everywhere.

But like when you have a homegrown guy that everybody wants to support. Oh my God. A hundred percent. Yeah. And like you said earlier, like I, I kind of, I see like,

I am like their guy because they remember me from when they were in high school or like their moms. And like that, I have the people are because they remember me from when they were in high school or like their moms and like, I have the, people are so nice to me, man. Like I did a show, like I said,

like what was it? Monday night? Monday night, I had a New York comedy club and like people were telling me how like they just, they share them, their families group chats

and shit. It's like, it's a very personal thing and I think once people look at you every day, it's just like a really, really great thing. Dude,

I mean, ask Joe Coy. He's doing stuff with Filipino culture. He sells out arenas. Oh, hell yeah. And that was surprising too. You can speak to a certain group,

place, ethnicity, whatever. You can play that until you're rich. And once you start doing it more, I have a big following

in Detroit with these, they're called Chaldeans, which is basically they're Christians from Iraq and I didn't even know these people existed and apparently once you start going the thing is too a lot of people try to act like

well what do you do if they're not from New York as if I'm making fucking pothole jokes on 7th Avenue like when I go to Boston, when I go to other places when I do Atlanta and stuff like that it's all about our dad's culture, pressure from our parents. It's all the same shit. Irish, Italian, Asian, Albanian.

We're all the same fucking thing. Chaldean. Chaldean, yeah. Chaldean. Chaldean, yeah. They're incredible. Shout out to my Chaldeans in Detroit. How did that happen?

What does that have to do with the same? Shout out my Chaldeans. That's right. And my Albanians in Detroit, too. I got a lot of Albanians in there, too. I got a lot of Albanians there, too. I love the internet, man. Watching, I laugh at all the comics who are killing it now on the internet, but it felt like it took the pandemic for them to realize that the internet's powerful.

You know what I mean? I know. It's like the industry finally noticed. They're like, yo, if you're on stage, there's like 300 people, but you put it on the internet and like 300,000 can see it. 100%. Yeah. Yeah, man.

We've been doing it on the internet for fucking 20 years over here. Absolutely. Yeah. When I went to the comedy store in LA when I first got out there trying to get on an open mic and it was just like, this system is broken and no one's like noticing it yet like this is from the 70s and the 80s it's completely broken

and nobody seems to notice that like that's all you have to do is find a way to do shit on the internet and I'm lucky because I'm also like

I don't really do exactly stand up comedy shit on the internet people don't probably know I do stand up yet but there is a way to figure out

I always say like anybody whatever the fuck you want to do, just do it on the internet, and it works. You can do anything and find anybody. You can find the most specific niche of people

who will buy your merch, buy your tickets, support your shit, follow your account. And it's like, yeah, you don't have to do what you're not good at or what you're not comfortable doing. Is Barstool Sport, is that strictly started from the internet? Yeah. Well, no, I mean before that it was like a newspaper.

Oh, really? So it started out as a one sheet where Dave would make gambling picks. It was like, here are my picks for the night. Then it became one of those free newspapers that you get on the subway. Oh, wow. And then one of the readers of the paper was like, I can get this on the internet for you, and then it became a blog. So then by that time, like, I signed up. He signed up in, like, 2009 to 2010, and we're still just writing,

like, only writing. And then in, like, 2012, we made a podcast. Oh, wow. So this is pretty recent. Yeah. Well, I mean, in the podcast game, like, there's not many that really predate us from 2012. I feel like you've got to be in the game deep podcasting to be around for that long. But then it became video, became writing, became podcast, became everything.

Now it's just entertainment. I know. You guys make fucking deodorant now. It is nuts dude well that's the other thing too is we learned that we were a sports blog and then it was like well we're not really always talking about sports we're just kind of a blog and then all of a sudden we were a

fucking techno EDM tour for a while like we learned we could make money doing that and then it's like you know anything any way to make money any way to sell merch any way to do any of this shit once you have a following people need everything they need their tickets to their comedy shows but they also need some clothes and they also need a place to eat Any way to make money, any way to sell merch, any way to do any of this shit, once you have a following. I know. People need everything.

They need their tickets to their comedy shows, but they also need some clothes, and they also need a place to eat. They need this and that. Do it all through us. You know what I mean? You can do everything. You can put on barstool clothes. You can eat barstool food. You can listen to barstool entertainment.

You can watch barstool TV. Do you sell barstools? That's the one thing we don't sell. I think the price point was too high. Here's this $299 bar stool. People will buy that. That's the other thing too. I mean,

that was when I knew we once sold these lacrosse pennies. These lacrosse pennies that were like individually numbered. So there was like a little something

unique to them. But we charged a hundred bucks for them. And I remember being like, this is the dumbest shit i've ever seen this is not gonna work and anybody who does do this is a fucking moron and it was like boom he sold like 400 not only that it sold out very quickly and then they were going on ebay for like 600 bucks right oh okay and i was like oh these guys will do anything oh yeah

hoodies in the middle of the summer we're doing doing, you know, whatever. All you got to do is make five of them and they'll fucking sell. But then you don't get any money to resale like fucking Supreme and all that dumb shit. Yeah.

Make a fucking brick. Make a barstool brick. Yeah, we should start doing that kind of shit. Yeah. But, yeah, man, I mean. Cards Against Humanity said, what was it,

a box of air or something like that? Box of rocks. Box of just empty air. Sold it for like, I don't know. Who did that? Cards Against Humanity.

It was like, our new expansion pack is air. And it was like $29.99. Someone did that with Kanye's air from his concert once. Have you seen that on eBay? Yeah, it was air from a Kanye West concert. Really? On a fucking plastic bag. I'm sure someone bought it.

Dude, I once drank. What's the water in Lourdes, right? In France. You're asking me about France? My grandparents came back with this really holy water. Like the water boy thing? The glowing? I guess it didn't glow or anything like that.

It was just water. And my mom had that saved over the kitchen sink forever. Drank it? Fucking drank that shit. Just wait, wait, wait. You filled it back Fucking drank that shit. Just wait. You like fill it back up with regular water? Nah, just regular. Wait, so one day you just were in the mood to drink that special water? I was like very young.

I was always just like, man, I want to drink that. Man, I want to drink that. And one day I just fucking... Every day waking up, it's like, today's goal, John Henry? Drink that fucking water. Today's goal, drink that fucking water. One day worked up the courage, I drank that water. You didn't even fill it up. You just.

No, I just left. But yeah. Shit got drank. It is. Shit got drank. What you gonna do about it? Shit got drunk. Shit got drank.

I'm gonna figure out where it is. It's L-O-U-R-D-E, I think. Yeah, man. Everything's a hustle, though. Like. Yeah. You can start selling that shit, too. The water from Staten Island.

That probably won't sell, but. That shit's like glowing, you know, toxic green or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Just like this shit. It's a $7 glass of water. Never mind. Who gives a fuck? That's ridiculous, man. I wonder what it was for. I don't know what it's supposed to be.

It's some religious shit. Anyway, long story short, I got no superpowers. It didn't work. Yeah, nothing happened. It didn't work, man. You got a sweet. Anyway, long story short, I got no superpowers. It didn't work. Yeah, nothing happened. It didn't work. You got a sweet mustache, so it's more than I got. You like this mustache, huh? I'm jealous.

I can't grow one. You have a mustache. I have a horrible beard. I know how patchy here. It's Keanu Reeves. It's pretty. Yeah, I was going to say, it's even, though. It almost looks like it's meant to be.

It's evenly shitty. Have you ever tried to get it less patchy? Like, buy one of those things on Instagram? My friend literally gave me oil once. I don't know. It's something I've recently bought, and I'm just wondering how it's going to work. Is it like a fake, like it helps you grow, or is it a patch? No, no, no.

It helps it grow. It's supposed to. I don't know if that's a real thing. Bro, I guarantee it's not. I've been stabbing myself in the face every day. Oh, the roller thing roller yeah oh yeah yeah yeah

yeah go on bro I got this roller and needles I gotta sanitize like a little it's like a little yeah

yeah and I fucking and stabbing it helps you like grow hair fucking yeah I guess it opens up your pores cause you're fucking jamming needles in your face

and your hair pops out of your pores and then you and then you rub a thing on it. I've done it for like three days, so nothing's happened yet. But if I come in here one day, bearded up, shout out to the beard people I bought it from.

No free ads. So wait, so is that, do you, how long was it like you've gone without shaving before? During the pandemic, I didn't shave for a while. It was stringy. It wasn't good. Yeah. It's not good.

Yeah. It was. We had some tough looks going in the pandemic. Yeah. It was like intentional tough. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't like i look i'm killing this i look sexy it but it was it was bad yeah you yeah that's just that scares me a lot looking at previous looks of mine oh god and i'm like but at that time i thought i looked okay the same way that i think i look okay right now and like five years from now i'm gonna be like what the fuck i have this fucking hair and my god now, I'm going to be like, what the fuck? I have this fucking hair in my godson's baptism.

I'm going to be like, I look like the dumbest fucking person in the world. At least you didn't go to yours. I didn't go to mine. I've always wanted long hair. You know, if I wear it down, I just look like gay Italian Jesus. No, but see, the man bun, like...

The man bun was hijacked by a fucking certain type of person that does not speak for me yeah that's true this guy does crossfit yoga yeah right the same shit he's vegan yes right there's no shit about sports right right that doesn't represent me i've just it just took me forever to get it and every time by the time he got there yeah by the time i got there it's some fucking instagram model but that's the thing is that it's still like an Instagram model. It's not the worst thing to get hijacked. The personality of that guy might not be the best, but the look of that guy is pretty good.

I wouldn't mind being compared to like the CrossFit Instagram model. I bet you. Well, that depends who you are. Like, girls like it. I bet you every guy in this fucking office says, who was that fucking douchebag that was in the movie? 100% but fuck that because every guy

says that about every other guy who's doing well in any capacity. Yeah, that's true. We're douchebags because of how I look. You're a douchebag because of how you look.

Yeah, that's true. It doesn't fucking matter so I'd rather be the guy who girls think is hot and then when the guys who hate on me hear my comedy or get to know me

they're like, oh fuck, he's actually a pretty cool guy. Yeah, I love when I make believers out of the husbands and the boyfriends that come to my shows like, this kid's not fucking funny and then they actually laugh you'd be like you sit at the beach all summer female yeah yeah i mean i could see that i could

definitely i mean i do a lot i do a lot of like shit that like i mean i get called gay forever so like even the stuff that i talk about is like female i guess but like we've been the gay podcast of arsenal for a long time beautiful we actually just might be gay. It's all there. I think about it sometimes. It's funny because I forget what it was. I think even on Seinfeld somebody said you never see a good looking

homeless person. Being good looking helps you in life. And I'm like the one thing it hurts you in is stand up comedy. Yeah, that is kind of true. It is the one thing

that everyone doesn't they don't I'm not saying that I'm good looking. I'm saying people say that I am. You have mirrors, right? You understand what stereotypical bone structure is considered attractive? You work in a career that requires you to observe society and understand what's going on.

You know what good looking looks like. You know you look like that. You can say you're not your type, but you can't say you're not. No, man. I do a lot of, especially in Austin, I get up a lot of places in Austin. I do a lot of the Death Squad shows,

which is basically the whole Joe Rogan, Tony Hinchcliffe crew. They went from the comedy store to Austin. They have such a hardcore fan base of that podcast that they'll be like dying and everyone I walk on stage

in my leather jacket are like fuck this guy they hate my guts I'm like shit before I can even say anything they hate my guts yeah but like you said

like if you can turn a few of those that feels oh hell yeah that's the best the ultimate thing you know because at the end

of the day you're right I mean being being like a stand up comic like you know I think of like like when Louis C.K. was like, I can't put my socks on because it's like folding a bowling ball in half. Like, I can't. You know, that's the kind of comedy that you laugh at.

Nobody really laughs at, like, so I woke up this morning and I was like putting my fucking man bun in. I looked down and I was like, shit, I've got a six-pack. No one's going to be like, ah, that's funny. I know, I know, that's so true. But it's like, what do you want me to fucking do? Get ugly? It's not even that, man. My shit is so just behavioral.

I talk about all just behaviors. I don't really talk about stuff like that. It's all shit that we do. But even if I complain about living with a woman, they act like I'm this abusive piece of shit. Whereas if you look like Michael Cera, it's like, oh, that's quirky. For me, it looks like I'm punching down, I guess. But like, they don't know.

This guy is too good looking. We found it. We found the place and the guy was too good looking. Guy wakes up every day like, fuck, I can't believe I'm this hot. To be funny, you gotta be the guy like me who's like on the beach, sees a guy like you, and goes, fuck that guy. Fucking loser. Oh my god. I didn't think you were going to eat mustard like that.

And why the fuck is there mustard in it? I don't know, but I saw it and went for it. Dude, that's after the clay. It's not so bad, actually. It's washing down the clay. He took a bite of clay about half an hour ago. What's going on in that stomach? It's not so bad. Yeah, mustard's after the clay. It's not so bad, actually. It's washing down the clay. He took a bite of clay about half an hour ago. What's going on in that stomach? It's not so bad.

Yeah, mustard's good, bro. It's good stuff, bro. See, he's not doing that. Yeah, you're right. He's not doing that. I mean, I could, but I'll, you know. You want a hit? You want to prove you're one of us?

Take a hit of mustard. Give me a hit. Let's get this guy on. Yeah! That was a big one. Gang, gang! Let's do it, baby. There we go. Yeah! That was a big one. Gang, gang! Let's do it, baby. There we go.

Nice. That was a good one. I could do that all day. I'm all right. Yeah, it's actually much better. What happened was my first chunk was hard. You also had the water. It's been sitting there for a while, yeah.

But no, since then, it got pretty good. This might catch on. You know what I've been doing? I put mustard on bagels. I could see that working. And people get fucking horrified from it. Another guy here who used to work here did it. And I was like, what the fuck is this?

And then I tried it. It's just like a soft pretzel. Well, that makes- Same like bread. I get shit. It's like a sacrilege where I put bacon, egg, and cheese on a cinnamon raisin bagel. Ooh, that's a little crossover. And I get shit for it, but it's salty and sweet.

It's spectacular. It's a little sweet and savory. Yeah. It's fucking amazing. That makes perfect. You ever have a sandwich on a bagel. Ooh, that's a little crossover. And I get shit for it, but it's salty and sweet. It's spectacular. It's a little sweet and savory. Yeah. It's fucking amazing. That makes perfect. You ever have a sandwich on a bagel? Like cold cuts? Mm-hmm.

Game changer. These are things that need to be, to me... That's kind of a New York thing, I guess. The bagel? Fucking around with bagels. I mean...

Yeah, and you go anywhere else and you have a sandwich on a bagel and it's a bad idea. Yeah. Bad. I mean... But also, then people in New York

get so bent out of shape about how you eat your pizza or how you eat your bagel or what your chicken color is or what your fucking meats are. It's like, I don't care. They ask me

if I go anywhere, well, how's their pizza? Or how's their bagels? I'm like, I'm not going to fucking Brazil to get a dollar slice. Like,

what are you talking about? My dad will get fucking Burger King in Paris. Like, what are you doing? Try something new foreign burger king please tell me you had foreign

what's what's so good a shot of fucking the burger king in salamanca spain has a mean hot dog oh yeah you had a hot dog from a foreign burger king you don't even know you're right they take a fucking baguette they cut the top off the baguette they squirt the mustard in it they squirt the ketchup in it they squirt the mayo in it

they take the dog with the tongs they slide it in you got a bread condom on your dog and you fucking wolf it down like that it is awesome in Spain? if I if I could vouch for any restaurant in this whole

goddamn planet it's the it's the Burger King in La Plaza Mayor in Salamanca yo we had a hot dog my god they're gonna fucking beat you in the streets over there we split a hot dog the

other day and that was one of the gayest things we went I was just gonna say you were saying you guys are gay that and that was that's pretty good that things I was just going to say you were saying you guys are gay that was pretty good so Bert Kreischer came in here we all showed each

other our balls then we all deep throated water bottles and then later that night was the gayest thing we did when we split a

hot dog and we ate on the opposite end MSG's got big hot dogs they have fucking fat hot dogs wait who's this

who has big hot dogs it was at MSG we went to see UFC so we were like let's go see some UFC let's meet in the middle of the hot dog like Lady and the Tramp Hot dogs? Yeah, we met them. They have fucking fat hot dogs. Wait, who's this? Who has big hot dogs? It was at MSG. We went to see UFC. So we were like, let's go see some UFC. Let's meet in the middle of the hot dog lady in the tram. Actually, I don't know if I can do a whole bun after 8 p.m. I feel like if I eat all that sodium, I'm going to have a hard time sleeping tonight.

What do you say we split it? That's really a great game. That was the truth of it. That was the worst, man. I heard Shake Shack has good hot dogs. Have anybody ever had one? Nah, garbage. They cut them in half. It's not how you serve a dog. I don't like when they do that dogs. Has anybody ever had one? Nah, garbage. They cut them in half.

It's not how you serve a dog. I don't like when they do that either. I've never had one. I've never had one of those. It actually really doesn't affect it at all. No, but it does. It does? It's just the way it looks.

Yeah, it looks awful. I judge books by the cover. I judge dogs by their cuts, and that's not what I'm doing. Nah, I'm with you on that. It's probably a good judgment to me. I like to be judgmental that way, yeah. Some judgments are good good so you're in Houston now

Austin Austin right yeah and you're you know you're staying put you think like is that

I don't know it's just like that's another benefit about having your career live on the internet is you can really live anywhere you can live anywhere

right but I guess my question is do Rose lead back to Staten Island eventually or back to New York, or are you done? I'll probably go back to California eventually. I just love California. I do feel like once you leave,

you're like, oh yeah, why would I? It's cold, it's expensive, it's crowded. I mean, yeah. Unless you really have some family problem or issue or need to be there, it's like, I'm not going back to that. I mean, I would love to live in the city i think that would be cool for a little while um but the ideal dream would be to have a place in

the west coast and east coast i think so i'm very close to my family and shit like that my friends and stuff but like isn't it the worst when you're close with them close to your family and friends it's like jesus it is actually i just want to be able to like i'm gonna go live in fucking like italy i don't give a shit. I can go anywhere on this goddamn planet. But instead, I'm connected to these people who love me. All this unconditional love is really fucking weighing me down. And Staten Island has created parties out of thin fucking air.

Like, the gender reveal wasn't a thing five years, I mean, ten years ago. They just keep making parties. My friends have six engagement parties. Okay, there's after the engagement at the house with, like, catered food. 10 years ago. They just keep making parties. My friends have six engagement parties. Okay? There's after the engagement at the house with, like, catered food. Then there's a formal engagement party.

Then they just keep having, like. Then there's a wedding. Then there's the showers. There's fucking a thousand things to do. And it's like, oh, you're home? Let's fucking fill your schedule with shit you don't want to do. Like, eh, let's not do that. We were just talking about how guys don't have friends anymore. It's brutal.

There's this tweet at this point that was really sad. Like, genuinely sad. Not like, ah, funny sad. Like, I'm going back to bed sad. And it was like these two neighbors. I guess it's an app called Neighborhood or something like that. Next door. Next door.

And it was like this woman was like, I just found my 40-something husband put put an ad on it, looking for other 40-year-old men to play music with. And all the replies were just like, I'm an adult man. I also don't have friends. This is role model. This is a high-level man. Yeah, it really was. I'm going to go home and watch tonight. Somebody in the comments said this is the script for I Love You Man 2.

That's such a good point. How the fuck would you find that? How would you? But you don't have to. It seems like that's not going to be an issue you have to run into. You've got too many friends. I can give you advice on whittling it down. Well, I'm just getting to the point where.

How old are you? I'm 31. 31. Yeah. It's about time. It's about time to start cutting it down. Come on over to this side of the table, friend. Yeah.

We just got engaged, so we're going to be married. Yeah, I saw that shit. You did it on stage. Yeah. Yeah, not fucking allowed. We were going to get to that. Fucking all of us proposing on stage in front of sold out crowds. That's not even an option for most of us.

You fucking asshole. I proposed at a Burger King in Salamanca. Taking shots of mustard afterwards. Did you know it was coming? No. She had no fucking idea. There's one thing that I like. Again, being from where I'm from,

everything is so calculated and fucking bullshit. Just for Instagram, the girl says, this is the ring. I'm getting my nails done this color. Do it this day. It's like, yeah yeah you didn't fucking know so like she had there was no chance

in hell she was gonna know plus I've been telling her I'm like we're not getting fucking married like I've been saying I've been telling her that set the bar real low find someone else bitch

so was there a reason for you to be on stage or are you like so there was there was there was like a couple of pictures I've seen. I'm a big Sebastian Maniscalco fan.

That checks out. When he, of course, legally I have to be. I think he did MSG at the Longo. I was going to Instagram. He had a cool picture with his wife and his kids on stage. Then he did it recently. I'm like, oh, we should get a cool picture at St.orge like in staten island there's this big theater that i did and so she ran out took a picture didn't think anything of it and i just she was like running off stage

and um and i just i did man it was it was it was cool but it was that was it i don't we don't we don't gotta put a throwback to the throwback to the throwback of fucking when it was the best day of my life like we'll leave one one's nice you know it's like i don't need a throwback to the best day of my life and then another throwback every day since today's day has sucked everything's been down doesn't that feel like that all throwbacks are like boy i wish that was happening i wish that was happening instead of this i know and that's something like talk to someone remember this time yeah that's really all that. Go do it again, right?

I don't know. I don't know. But yeah, you know what? So the Italians are good about staying. Family is big. Friends are big. Everybody's loud. They stay connected.

I feel like with the Irish, we just kind of like, we just slowly drink ourselves to death and separate. You know what I mean? It doesn't feel like there's as much like you don't get the same like you gotta be home for Sunday dinner

or some shit it's kinda like I don't know I mean I'm like I'm like different than my siblings too cause like they're all about that shit

cause they all have kids now and I'm like I need some fucking space like I'm the weirdo artist who moved so like I'm like the asshole but

it's also like I do this thing in my bit where like, I never really felt that Italian, but then when I moved to California, is when I realized how Italian I was. You realized you're Italian, yeah. Yeah, I mean,

it's tough to be Italian in a place like Staten Island where it's like, oh, I'm not Italian. Everyone's a fucking 12 all the time. Right, right, right. So like, Italians are like,

you know, you never go against the family. I'm like, my dad puts the air conditioner on 81, I go against the family. So, you know what I mean? Like, I don't have this like, my know, you never go against the family. I'm like, my dad puts the air conditioner on 81. I go against the family. So, you know what I mean? Like, I don't have this, like, my family is also very much, if my brother stole from you, I'm going to call him a fucking asshole.

I'm not going to be like, that's my brother. Don't talk bad about him. I think it's toxic and it's not the right thing. But if your brother murdered someone and came to you and said, we got to hide the body, what are you going to do? And what if it was like... I probably, it depends who it was. Yeah. It depends who it gonna do? And what if it was like... It depends who it was. Yeah, if he had a good reason?

If it depends who it was. What if it's a completely random person, but it's also not really his fault? Like it was a car accident situation, but it's also not great where he can just go to the cops and it'll be okay. I gotta be honest, I would probably

do it for my brothers. But it depends. Like if my brother killed like her brother, then there's like a weird conflict of interest where like Brian Laundrie's fucking mom was like, hey, he did it. Good luck finding out, bitch. Lock the

door. She's ride or die. She's ride or die. What if your brother killed me? I don't know you that well dude I was watching the the car accident thing remind me I was recently watching uh because Halloween just happened I know what you did last summer never seen the movie oh yeah never seen that never saw it what bro oh dude isn't it so laughable? It was 100% that guy's fault. They should have just called the police. Yeah, they should have been like, this is fucking bad. Dude, fucking what's his dick?

Freddie Prinze Jr. is like, they're never going to believe I was driving. Sober drivers existed forever. Like, what do you mean? Like, oh, the car stinks of booze. Everyone else is drunk. The sober driver hit the guy in the middle of the road on a dark corner at midnight. No one's. It's that fault.

This guy on the year of our Lord 2021 getting upset about, I know what you did last summer. I've called people. I've called. I was like, have you seen this fucking movie? I know what you did last summer. It makes no sense. I mean, it was made for like 14-year-olds. There's no fucking logic.

This 33-year-old poked a hole in the whole fucking plot. They went on a run back then. It was like Scream, and I know what you did last summer with all those hot new Hollywood This 33-year-old poked a hole in the whole fucking plot. They went on a run back then. It was like Scream, and I know what you did with all those hot new Hollywood chicks. And guys, too. The guys were as hot as the girls. That was a nice little era for movies. Everybody was good-looking and making stupid movies. Yeah, that was when they would say cool shit.

They'd find the bad guy, and they'd be like, this is your last stop. And then they'd say something cool before they shot him, right? Yeah, all those movies. Like you believe the fucking high school kid could beat up a 40-year-old serial killer? Yeah, yeah. That is true.

That's a great point. Dude, the whole idea of those movies, like those 90s era horror movies, were like, like Marvel Cinematic Universe, it's like,

let's create a universe where logic doesn't exist. Oh my God, I couldn't agree more. And it's just like, everything is, everything I watch, I was like, why? And I know it's not me, the first person to ever have this idea. But it's just not how people are. Dude, I know what you did last summer.

There's fucking, what's her name? Sarah Michelle Gellar is on a float on a beautiful island day. They're having a parade for her. Yeah, I remember it. Beautiful fucking day. I remember it having a panic attack yeah

because you can't there are too many guys dressed like they're on fucking Deadliest Cats yeah they're all in the is that the one

why would there be this many men in the crowd dressed like it's a perfect fucking day they were in like a nautical island town a fisherman town

they all could have been in bathing suits they're all with hoods on they're not in slickers it made no sense and why they had a Nautical Island town. Fisherman town. They all could have been in bathing suits. They're all with hoods on. They're not in slickers. It made no sense. And why are they at a fucking high school parade? Why are they all hanging out at a fucking teenage... Why was there even a parade for the high school?

What was that even about, man? I didn't do that shit in my high school. We watched that not that long ago. It really is like the worst movie ever made. I've been bottling this up for about two weeks now. I'm glad we have an outlet for it. They made a couple more. I still know what you did last summer. I still know bottling this up for about two weeks now. I'm glad we have an outlet for it. They made a couple more, right? I still know what you did

last summer. I still know what you did last summer again. I also know what you did last summer that one time. They made a bunch of... I think it's coming back as a series.

Yes. It's currently out as a series. Apparently real bad. Scream also coming back. That's why I was watching those movies. Scream's coming back around Christmas time.

It's a real Christmas movie. Scream was fire. Scream was good. Scream was really good. Was Scream a thing? Was that mask a thing before Scream? No. No? Hell no. I mean, it might have existed, but Scream put that shit on. That was like the

easiest and coolest costume. I just told her, you know the Halloween mask is William Shatner. You guys know that? You don't know that? No. So, Halloween, Michael Myers, it was like a low-budget thing. They went to like a costume store in 1977 where Star Trek was big. They took a William Shatner face mask and they painted it white.

And that was Michael Myers' face. Which is kind of funny because- Price line negotiator. Blocked me on Twitter, William Shatner. Did he really? Yeah. No way. Why?

Why? I think we tracked it down because I remember like just randomly like searching his name for some reason. And I was like, I'm blocked by William Shatner? What the fuck? And then we tracked it down because I remember just randomly searching his name for some reason. I was like, I'm fucked by William Shatner. What the fuck? And then we tracked it down. There was one time that some chick was begging for 500,000 retweets for her prom dream to come true. And I was like, fuck this.

And her dream involved William Shatner? No, but William Shatner found it and was like, look at this asshole trying to ruin this girl's prom dream. And I was kind of like, you're right. It happened like 10 years ago, and just like a month ago, I found it. I was like, all right, I kind of deserve that. I don't know why William Shatner's involved in this, but when he saw it, he was like, fuck this guy for ruining this girl's prom dream. And I was like, correct. Correct.

I think Hollywood, people like in Hollywood probably don't like Barstool, I would imagine. Yeah, no. Well, there's a clear divide. You either like ride for us and understand that there's humor and sometimes you cross a line or sometimes you're an asshole or whatever. And then there are the people who don't know anything about us and just, they pretend like they've never heard anybody's feelings in their life. Yeah,

absolutely. All holier than thou bullshit. I know. Has that, has that, um, has this, that whole culture

of comedy like affected you at all? Are you just doing your same routine? Not really. I don't really say shit that's like that controversial.

God, it must be nice. I will get like a DM about like, I would do these silly like little coffee things in the morning where I'm like,

oh, it's a good morning internet and I'm like screaming at her like make me breakfast, stuff like that and I did get a lady that was like, you know,

you have a lot of people looking at you, you should really speak to her about i'm like i'm fucking joking what you're an idiot i think the big thing about cancel culture is people are afraid or too proud to say i didn't understand this joke this joke was not about whatever you think you just didn't understand it right it's clearly something that you should be yeah there's so much power in in in satire that like they don't understand that people often are saying the shit that you agree with. Right.

But they're just saying it in a joking manner. Yeah, it's really frustrating. People, you know, most comedians, they do a really good job at being able to push the boundaries. I just talk about normal boring shit. So who would you think is like your, do you think of like your inspiration or something as comics or like internet personalities?

Like, do you think of like who you growing up or whatever like, you know, put on a pedestal? Is it? Oh, growing up?

Well, yeah, growing up now, whatever. Is it more entertainers, actors, comedians, bloggers, whatever? It's kind of like everything. Like,

I just want to like be, I love writing and like doing, I mean, of like everything I just want to be I love writing and doing depending I do this little cartoon series I'm writing too we do it online

with the little emoji faces I just want to make shit Adam Sandler because he can do whatever the fuck he wants

that's cool remember 8 Crazy Nights it was a great movie I want to make a cartoon whatever the fuck you want I used to watch a cartoon. They're like, okay. Whatever the fuck you want. I used to watch the fuck.

Me and all my Catholic friends used to watch the fuck on Eight Crazy Nights. Yeah. It's an unbelievable. Oh, dude. That little grandpa was cute as fuck. That's a technical for a half. It was a great fucking movie. That was great. I really think the dream in life for me would be able to dress the way he dresses and go

to the places he goes like if you can go to like the fancy you know the uptight like country club spot where they would kick anybody else out for dressing that way but they're like

right this way Mr. Sandler dude him there was one of their premieres was him and Kevin James and Selena Gomez I think it was like

Hotel Transylvania one of the movies that they're in and she's wearing like a gown Kevin James literally is wearing basketball shorts, like sneakers and a backwards hat.

It's just fucking hilarious. I'm the opposite of that. I want to wear a tux like every day. He's that way. I'm that guy. And I don't have the confidence. In the office, he was like, I'm going to dress up to go to work. I almost decided like suits.

I was like, I might have like suit Tuesday. Oh, man, dude. I'm so with it. Zero time. Yeah, zero time. Everyone I'm so with it. Zero times. Yeah, zero times. Everyone shamed me. What were you doing in the pandemic? Were you still putting on regular clothes?

Like, would you put on this outfit during the pandemic? Probably not. What did we do during the pandemic? We didn't really do anything. We just stayed home. But like, you guys were just naked the whole time. The problem with that too is like, you ever tell somebody like, guys have this conversation. You probably have with your friends. Like, I want to start dressing nice. Oh, yeah, me too. I wish ever tell somebody like guys have this conversation you probably have with your friends like i want to start dressing nice oh yeah me too i wish i could

wear like a nice blazer the next fucking time you show up in a blazer like where the fuck you going where you dress so it's like we just talked about this i thought we're gonna suit tuesday sorry i'm making we used to fucking crush him for like completely normal things like looking back on it when barstool first started and we were like we it, when Barstool first started and we were like, when Barstool first started, we were our stereotype. We weren't like those guys. And it was like, look at this fucking

guy wearing a scarf in the winter. Are you fucking gay or something? You think I was taking great sartorial risks. I was wearing fucking risks. When you say sartorial, you deserve it, alright? Say sartorial, you're a fucking asshole. I was wearing, like, I wore a literal

rain jacket. It was like a trench coat or whatever, yeah. No, no, no, no, it was a fucking... Was it raining? Yeah, raining out waist-length black raincoat. Just like a waterproof jacket. That's all it was. Nothing black. Just straight black.

People were like, people did a blog. Was Feidelberg gay? Oh my god, that's incredible. Yeah, I mean, we would clown him. Dave, the founder, would clown him and then inevitably, once he got a little bit of money and started dressing stylish, it was like everything this kid wore like three years ago.

Oh yeah! Towards the end of summer summer he sent a tweet like i'm just getting ahead of wearing a risky shirt to the office i bought that shirt 2019 top polo right he did it with like rolled up jeans he did it with jeans in general he did it with getting haircuts by professionals used to cut his own hair and be like i can do it better than anyone and then he became single and rich and be like, I can do it better than anyone. And then he became single and rich and was like, I gotta start getting my hair cut

by a person. Like, yeah. No fucking kidding. Someone can sit behind me. That's like the great Bill Burr joke. He's like, guys will shit. He's like,

even for something practical, he's got an umbrella. Yeah, right. Umbrellas I use, I've definitely written blogs about like, if you take an umbrella out, you're a fucking loser.

And it's like, that I would just umbrella out, you're a fucking loser. And it's like that I would just show up places. Wet. Soaking wet. What the fuck? At least not a pussy. Yeah. Yeah. I got my pride.

Shivering the whole dinner going with pneumonia, die like, was it William Henry Harrison? Yeah. But I didn't carry an umbrella, man. Yeah, what do you do with it? What do you do with an umbrella when you fuck it? Was it William Henry Harrison? Yeah, I mean. Henry Hill.

Henry Hill. All because I wouldn't want to put it somewhere or carry it. Umbrellas are a strange thing for a man. I'm kind of on the fence. I don't know what to do with it. It's a very funny device. You put it in your fucking purse.

We're not allowed to have bags. My purse is right behind you. He carries this fucking satchel. Yeah, he's got a little fucking canvas bag. Today he brought in a bag of pornography. Was that over there? Or is this it? Can I present it?

Yeah, I took all the porn out already. Here we go. This is shopping at Whole Foods. I hate this thing so much. I want to burn it. He's got the address on it. Ah, yeah. They'll find us if they want it. I told everybody, go buy his entire line of shit except for this dumb

fucking tote bag. Nice bag. I'll probably have a tote bag in two years. Place to put an umbrella. If you can fit an umbrella in here, that's a tiny umbrella. Can I ask, what is this on the laptop? It's from Burger King It's all in my charger, too. It's from Burger King, bro.

You are a character, like a movie character. This is surprising. I wouldn't expect you to have a... No, he's not a human. A satchel. He is a paradox. He has pockets in his sheets that he keeps his drugs and candy, but he also wears a purse. I don't know.

Don't put me in a box! It's like, I know what you did last summer. Just don't think about it. Just enjoy it. Just fucking go with it. Yeah, that's great, man. I love the vibe.

I can't wait to see you wearing a top hat or something. I can see that happening. Where's my hat at? He's got a stupid hat. There we go. How did I know? See, I fucking knew it.

This is from a few years ago. We're past this now. That hat, he went to a hat store and was like, you know, brought that to the register and they were like, okay, that'll be like $419. And he was like, oh, fuck. And I paid for it because I'm a coward. I was going to say, those are fucking expensive.

Yeah, it was really expensive. Yeah. And not only was it super expensive, he then upsold me on a feather that I never put in this hat. A feather? He was like, how about this for an extra $100? I was like, how could I say no? You bought a $100 feather?

It wasn't a feather. It was like, how about this for an extra $100? I was like, how could I say no? You bought a $100 feather? It wasn't a feather. It was something you wrapped around this instead of this. I've definitely shown it around. I never put it on because it was a little aggressive, but yeah, I bought this couple hundred bucks.

You would never want to dress aggressive. And then I was like this, and then Erica offered to pay me back for it, and I declined. Erica was like, you've made enough content out of this. The company will pay for it. And I said,

no, thank you. I'll keep this one on my tab. You could live in any era. I just want to know. You have that look. You could be from the 1800s. You could be a detective from the 70s. You got everything happening to you.

You dress so ridiculous, you're a time traveler. That's amazing. That's pretty. That's hard to do. I'll take that. We were just saying we're going to look back at our look in five years and feel stupid. Not him. He's amazing. That's pretty, that's hard to do. I'll take that. Like we were just saying we're going to look back at our look

in five years and feel stupid. Not him. He's just going to fly in a fucking. So you got something for going to the comedy festival?

Yeah, I did. I did New York Comedy Club Monday night. We sold it out too, which is fucking insane. I was so grateful for

that. I'm doing Philly this weekend at Punchline Philly, the 12 Punchline Philly. The 12th and 13th, right? Friday and Saturday. Yeah, I'm doing Brooklyn, Denver, Chicago. I got a whole...

I'm excited for Denver. My first time there, yeah, I'm really excited. And I have surprising fans there, which is kind of cool, so I'm excited, too. Where can people get tickets and what not? EricDalessandro.com Good luck spelling that, but it's fucking everything. It's kind of cool. So I'm excited to. Where can people get tickets and what not? EricDalessandro.com. Same thing. Good luck spelling that.

But yeah, it's fucking everything. We need to figure it out. If you can spell it, you can find me on everything. I have everything that you can possibly have with that name. Yeah, that's how you know. That's why you have this core fan base, man. They learned how to fucking spell that name. And they're the ones buying tickets.

I can't say it, but they can fucking spell it. That's for sure. All right, brother. I appreciate you coming through. Of course, guys. Thank you. This was so much fun, man. Thanks, dude.

Tell you what, I am craving some more mustard. That's not a sentence I ever thought I'd say. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.