KFC Radio - Eric Andre, Kerryn Feehan, Zoom Masturbating Etiquette, Pope Supports Same Sex Unions, and Sexy Potatoes

Episode Date: October 22, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a review! -Jeffrey Toobin caught masturbating on Zoom -The Pope supports same sex civil unions -AITA for eating sexy potatoes and giving a condom as a gift -Voicemails include KFC Radio Freaky Friday, Dead on Arrival, and Embarrassing Meals (01:25:00) Eric Andre returns to the show! We talk about developin some kinks during quarantine, wanting to fight Kevin Hart for his next stand up special, getting a full body wax, play answer the internet, and much more! (01:55:00) Kerryn Feehan joins the show! We talk about her getting close with Barstool Breakfast, her OnlyFans and why she stopped, people ratting on your content, vices, and much more. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @KFreeHams @EricAndre Subscribe to our youtube for daily clips/full video podcast: youtube.com/c/kfcradioYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I was told in Catholic health classes, one, God invented the world. Two, you fucking gotta dump loads in chicks. It is funny that the church is like, if you're going to do it, cream pie. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. And my man, John, his hair is on fucking fire today. It's really good.

By the time this is out. It's actually bothering me. It'll probably be cut. Well, no, not by the time this is out. But it'll be cut tomorrow. So I'm just taking it for its last stroll down the Green Mile. I want to just grab that clipper and zit. It looks too good.

Getting compliments and shit. I mean, Nick Tirani complimented me. Wow. Yeah. I tell you, you know, it's something. Just Nick's like, hey, your hair looks fantastic. For him to, like, break out of his weird bubble and just give, like, a normal compliment about regular life,

it's, uh, it changes your whole day when you have a good hair day. If you get a compliment and honestly it wasn't that good when I left my apartment but everyone's just been telling me it looks great today so I appreciate it. It had some fuzzies when I left.

I don't know. It's good man. You just got like a wall in front you know just like strong fucking hairline. Got the waves to it i don't think you should cut it i mean i gotta cut it i'm i have to cut mine i'm just tired of doing it and i and i've rarely done it i've been wearing a lot of hats lately and you have failed uh one instruction i gave you uh years ago i believe it was maybe not years ago but probably when you look like ben franklin uh no no no. It was the hats.

And I said, if I wear a hat one day, I'm probably just hungover or tired. Right. If I wear it two days, be concerned. There's a problem. If I wear it three days in a row, call my mom. I've worn a hat. You wear a hat like a week straight. Like three weeks straight.

Yeah. Just because I'm tired of doing my hair. So it's got to go. It's got to go. I have to cut mine. Mine is out of control. I keep planning to go to Fleischman. You can do a man bun. Oh, I can definitely do a man bun.

If I do it in the front, I can for sure do a whole. That's not a man bun. That's a unicorn. Is that what they call it? That's what I just called it. It's like a ponytail. It's like a top knot. But when you can put it in like a ponytail and it like flops over, I'm like, oh, man, this is too long.

But it's growing in full and thick because of the fucking gummies, the Fleischmann gummies. And you got that shine on your hair because you got the shampoo and conditioner. Bubble bath for your head. The bubble bath for your head. That's a final burger original i mean it's exactly what it is it just it's it's suds like no suds you'll have a suds

just suds like a son of a bitch i got the uh the the hair cream is floating around here somewhere uh that shit is easy peasy see you know i know what you mean when you don't like doing it but the the hair paste is like when you need to really do it. The hair cream will just be like, and it just like, you know what I mean, like gets out of your face, gets out of the way. Boom, run your hands through it one time. So you got the cream to do it like on the go. You got the paste to do it when you got heavy duty. You got the gummies to keep it growing and shining.

You got the shampoo and conditioner for the bath. And you got the sea salt spray to make it feel like you're a little bit of summer in the winter. Really important. Get that salty spray, and it makes you feel like you just walked off the beach and you're going to happy hour. Go to FleischmanSalon.com. That's F-L-E-I-S-C-H-M-A-N-Salon.com slash shop. Or you can just go to FleischmanSalon.com and go to the top and click shop and use promo code KFC for 20% off

and if you subscribe so that you get the regular deliveries, you get an additional discount so you get almost like 30% off. It's promo code KFC at FleischmanSalon.com Big episode once again. I think all of our episodes are just three hours long now. Yeah. Yesterday I even said, I was like, let's not do a three hour show. I was fucking tired and then we get going and the four o'clock witching hour

hits for you and i'm certainly not going to stand in the way of that you know i can't i can't like can't cage a songbird you can't can't stand in the way of greatness i'm not going to be like let's wrap this shit up what happened you hit your knuckle on the table no i'm just my my middle finger on my right hand i'm convinced it is just arthritic as a bitch. Yeah. Just that finger? It just hurts at all times. This knuckle, it's probably just broken.

I don't know how I would have broken it, but it's probably just broken. Let me see. Is it fat? No. All your fingers are fat. They're not fatter than usual. No. We're getting old, man.

I'm... Officially old? I've woke up hungover every day for the last month, I think, but I haven't really drank much. It's just, despite what Eric Andre, who's on the show today, says, he's like, you guys look like you've been drinking for six months. Oh, that was brutal. I've actually been pretty low-key with my drinking as of late.

I was feeling totally fine that morning. If he said it to me today, yeah, I haven't been sleeping, I'm tired, I'm a mess, but that day I felt totally fine, and he was like it to me today yeah i haven't been sleeping i'm tired i'm a mess but that day i felt totally fine and he was like you guys look like shit fuck it was like just a regular day at four o'clock in the afternoon that was when that was the way i learned that i have uh my lazy eyelid was when uh um my doorman back in the day said like you need to get some sleep bud and i was like as good as i've ever felt so i took a picture of myself i put it on the blog saying like do i look tired and they were like no but it looks like you have a lazy eye i was like what fuck and i called my mom and i was

like mom people are saying i have a lazy eye silence on the other end i was like mom are you mom did the call drop she was like no i'm here i was like i said people are saying i have a lazy eye she was like yeah i know i was like fuck what do you mean she's like yeah i've been looking at your face for 30 years like yeah of course i noticed that it's like god damn it i don't think you have a lazy eye i have a lazy eyelid i have i don't know i don't know which one it is it's like this one is just a little bit more like clothes kind of is would botox fix that you want your botox i don't know if it'll fix that but yes i want to get botox i think like one of the one of my eyelids when i smile definitely hangs lower let me see okay i'm looking at myself

just taking the picture right now no i'm just'm just looking at myself. Yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. See, like. Oh, yeah. You can see my full eyelid on my left eye, and then my right one is just like hanging low. The eyeballs are fine. I don't look like that freak Riggs or chef, you know? My eyeballs are fine. It's just the lid's a little.

The lid's just, like, chilling. The lid's just, like, just cold chilling over here i'm not gonna open all the way up uh but man that that was the that was the that was like the beginning of the end for me because i guess i guess i just wasn't our faces weren't out there that much at that point yeah yeah and so people like a lot of people still didn't know what we look like and that was the beginning of like oh these you were still a deloyer that time right probably yeah so you're just outing yourself yeah uh well no if i if i was at if i was at deloitte i wouldn't have done that so i must have been no i mean i think i still lived in new york kevin but i but i i would not have posted myself if i was still at deloitte really yeah so when did you leave deloitte

i was still maybe maybe i'm wrong maybe i wasn't living in New York, but I thought I was living in New York as a 21-year-old at the time. I left Deloitte. I was at Deloitte for four years, so from 7 to 11, I think. Yeah. You started here in 7? Oh, no, no, no. No, no, wait, wait. Yeah, I was at Deloitte from 2007 to 2011, and I think – and then two years was like – I don't fucking remember.

Oh, yeah. Okay, so 2007, 2011. 2007 to 2009, I was just doing For Sure Not and doing Deloitte like full time. And then 9 to 11, and I think almost into 12 was when when I was doing both. I was juggling both. So I guess I was probably here in 11. I think I moved here in 10. Oh, yeah, you were definitely here. And was here through the summer of 11.

Yeah, 10 was when you were here. We were doing the Halloween parties and all that kind of shit. So that was like 10, 11. So I must have just been out of Deloitte and posted a picture. That's probably why I did it. I was probably like, oh, I can post myself now. Okay, that makes sense. But that was the moment where I was like like oh um these people are going to criticize like

absolutely everything about me like forever now you know like things that i never noticed about myself that's a nice introduction to the internet yeah oh so these were just gonna lambaste everything i do well you know what every look at that point of my life at that point shit was gravy i loved the internet because i was a good writer so nobody really could criticize my writing and if they did i knew it was like blatant hating and they didn't they didn't have anything to criticize me physically my looks i hadn't done like the combine so no one was ever being like you can't talk about sports anymore so at that point i loved the internet i was like this is great people like me i'm getting shine people like oh this is funnier than than Boston I was like yeah I had confidence the internet was

being nice to me and then they saw my face they saw my face they saw my hair they saw me run they saw everything and then it was just and then I did more than writing I tried to do audio I tried to do video and they were just like oh let's systematically ruin this man let's all crowdsource let's all get together and ruin him and ruin they did ruin they shall so yeah i get it i definitely get it i remember like it is i think it was fucking kyle shanahan who who on part of my take said that like feedbacks like heroin, the good feels so good and the bad feels so bad that you just have to ignore it altogether. Right. And I remember when I first started, I was doing Feidelberg's Thought of the Day. And it was my first blog.

I'd done links of the day and stuff like that. And my first blog was about how I was blogging from home. I was home for Thanksgiving, probably. And my parents, yeah, I was definitely home for Thanksgiving. And my parents were, we host Thanksgiving. And so they had landscapers coming out clear in the backyard and cutting lawn, you know, making it all look nice. And I was blogging from or doing whatever I did at the time.

I think I even know this was going. From the kitchen table. And one of the landscapers took a shit, righters just walked in and was like, what's up? I remember this. And just shit. See, can you believe that? That's like a 10-year-old, and I remember that vlog. It ain't like that anymore.

You might remember a video here or there, but I can remember that vlog. I mean, the guy dropped his pants with such vigor. I heard his belt clank on the floor. Like, he didn't just, like, take it slowly, drop his pants. Like, he threw them to the ground. That guy was like, I'm shitting in your house. Like in fucking Bruce Almighty when he get it. And it's just like, I imagine he had, like, an old Western belt, like a big fucking buckle. And it was like, boom.

It sounded like Hector dropped his shield. And I was like, what the hell was that? And then, like, not even private shitting. Like, I heard farts echoing out of porcelain. It was a fucking poop he took. And then he just walked out. Like, he walked by me with more confidence than, like than Kim Kardashian walking into a club. Strutting.

Like, excuse me, bouncer, you have no power here. I just shit in your toilet. Hey, hey. He was like, all right, back to raking up leaves. Well, that's what it is. You know what it is? That was his act of defiance. Like, this man is basically hiring me for slave labor.

I'm shitting in his stuff. That's what I'm going to do. I almost picture him with a newspaper tucked under his arm. It's going to be a while. He might want to clear out of here. My bad, Manuel. When you hear the flush, then you hear... It's like 20 seconds of it.

Fucking man. Those are the good old days. I feel like maybe it's always rose-colored glasses and – Why did I just bring that up? Anyone? Just because you were living in New York? I guess. Old blogs.

Yeah. Well, I was saying how – so the feedback must have been good. Oh, right, right, right, right. And people were like, this is hilarious. This is great. And I was like, oh, baby. And then I started doing more if I ever thought of the days. And they weren't daily, but they were my only blogs,

which is why I always say, if I had gotten the internship in Boston, I would not be here. Right, because you would have just been doing dumb shit. Because you and Keith were like, right, right. And I was like, all right. I would have just been the intern slave or whatever, and they would have berated me, and that would have been it. But you guys were like, you got to write more write more and so i would and i was doing and

like people were loving them and i was like this is amazing i feel like you're good it was the it was the last time i felt good in fact i have to correct my therapist she was like when was the last time you were happy i said high school it was probably uh no yeah it's probably when i was like 20 early early barstool was amazing i mean amazing like that to me and i and i i i think so with the content because i like the i mean you know if you like podcasts and shit you know then the new days are better but when the blog was was kicking i feel like it was great for for the fans But, I mean, it was so much fun. I was young. I was, like, single, making money, a little bit of, like, notoriety,

nothing but nothing overwhelming, still had my own, like, private life, was not yet ridiculed for my looks. I mean, now I, like, have to worry and I think and I stress. I don't know. And that's why the content was good too because that was how my writing was it was just like yeah man I'm just like living in the city and fucking killing it you know

but that I mean that is like I think we said it with fucking what's her name who's the guest we had on recently from Orange is the New Black Taylor Schilling Taylor Schilling where she was like we were saying that like the best I made it moment isn't riches, isn't first class flights,

isn't fucking people hounding you in the streets for pictures. It's when you can do what you love, or at least do something that makes you happy. You don't have to love it, but do something that makes you happy and you genuinely enjoy doing. And you can make a living. Yeah. Like you afford to live right it's not the it's not the riches it's not all that shit it's just like i can this makes me happy i enjoy doing this and it will cover me for life i might i might not live lavishly but i can live for my life i had so little

of a plan i never i mean i i never planned on trying to be like famous or do entertainment. I just fell into even Deloitte. I didn't have a plan for that. I just fell into that. I literally fell into that. I don't know how I got an interview there. Like I, I,

one time I, I must've just been on like monster.com or something, you know, like back in the day. Yep. That is a monster. The office. Oh,

Michael Scott quits. it's monster no s but like that that just popped up like you know you have an interview at deloitte like schedule an interview with us i was like okay so everything was just like falling into it and then like when that worked i was just like okay i didn't even have like i made it moment i was just like, okay. I didn't even have an I made it moment. I was just like, oh, boy. Okay. Cool. Cool.

I can just do this. This was at Deloitte? No, this was when I got Barstool. And then I was still unsure if Barstool was going to last. But then when I knew that I could just make $50,000 a year, I was like, okay. I want to make more than that, but I'm good. I can survive on this. Yeah. As long as it doesn't go under, which we did have our concerns with that, too.

But I never had a, like, I made it moment or, like, yes, I've executed my plan. It was just like, oh, fuck. Okay. Okay. But those were the good old days. Like, there wasn't drama yet at Barstool. So, like, everybody was either friendly or, like, good. The drama was fun drama.

Yeah. The drama was fucking drama yeah drama was well it was yeah it was fucking around when you're arguing with a friend and it's fun it's fun it's fun and then it gets a little too personal and then it becomes serious you know that we like over the long haul like the first the first couple years was like when the arguing was fun you know and then in the middle years was when it got a little too personal and then later years was like okay now this is real now we have have HR. Yeah. Right, right. But, man, those early years were like, it was a blast. It was new to people.

We were throwing parties and shit. Like, it was just, that was, yeah, that was the last time I was happy. The last time I was happy. So fucking sad. Yeah. It's like, oh, and the birth of my kids. The last time I was happy, for sure that. All right, so today's show we've got um um i never remember eric andre's on the show he is such a wild motherfucker and we talk about him getting

his body waxed did you have you seen the clip i mean he talks about how how much agony he was in and like you see it in the video he's like grabbing her arm and shit you can tell this man is in pure pain but he's always a trip he did a great answer the internet segment uh which you can imagine like he was perfect for that and who's he doing karen pian oh and karen karen's a savage uh and i said it on on the answer the internet blog like there's so few people left who just don't give a fuck and say whatever they want. She's one of them. She's absolutely one of them. She just does not care.

So enjoy that because there's just so few people left who will treat it that way. We're getting to Am I the Asshole? First, we'll go through all of our breaking news, the news of the day here on KFC Radio. It's brought to you by Blue Nile, the original online jeweler. I mean, think about it.

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problem. Here's what I don't like about people. People are kink-shaming. People are kink-shaming. They're kink-shaming me. You're kink shaming you? Yes. Why? Well, you know, speaking of the old school blogs, you know, like you were, when you were telling that story, it was so funny and people were laughing because it was kind of like

the first time a lot of them had heard that or read that type of shit, you know? Now, if you've been riding with Barstool for a long time, you've read every blog, you've heard every podcast, you've heard every story. Right. So it's all out there. But there was a time early on where, you know, you would say something and if everyone could relate to it, it was like, bam, I hit a home run. You know, it's like, you know, don't you remember when you were a kid and you did X, Y, Z and everyone's like, I did that, too. Or like in that case, like I once had a guy shit in my toilet too and they can relate to it and they love it.

And like the big fear when I was blogging was always like, what if you say one of those things with confidence and like, yeah, we all did this. And everyone's like, no, we didn't. You fucking weirdo. That was like my big fear. One of those things like Casey Smith online yesterday saying that, is it rock, rock paper scissors or paper

scissor rock and she lost that vote 98 to 2 percent Casey Smith could have tweeted is slavery good or bad and it would have been a more balanced response 45,000 votes too it wasn't like one of those like 10 people voted so it's like you know 98 to 2 I'm not kidding she could have asked him we could enslave our fellow man and more people would have said yes than said paper, scissors, or rock. That is the most wrong opinion in the history of the internet. And I'm not kidding. I've never seen a 98 to 2. We had this argument like a while back.

It was a paper, rock, scissors. I forget what it was. Whichever. She said it to me at one point throughout the night. She was like, well, what about scissors, paper, rock? She switched up the order. I was like, no, what about Scissor Paper Rock? She switched up the order. I was like, no. There's one.

I told her it would be like, and I got this dumb religious bitch on this one. I told her, what if I just started saying, in the name of the spirit and the son and the father? No, you don't do it. There's an order to it. And she was like, oh, you're right there. You're right there. Rock, paper, scissors. That's it.

I really believe. I don't think I've ever seen a Twitter poll that bad for a sizable vote. No. You know, we said this a couple years ago that everything ends in 50-50, basically. And if you can get it to, like, 60-40, that means it's like a landslide. It's a blowout. 98-2. Marty's dumb poll last week of the man-made shit was 96-4.

Yeah. And that is, like, literally. I thought that was the stupidest opinion in the world. What does man made mean? His other definition was like things not made by man. It was here before people. So it could not have been made by a man, you fucking

idiot. So I said, you know, like, who hasn't popped open a Pornhub tab when you're on a work call or doing some work and people were like, like, not me. I was like, really? I don't think I have either. I haven't.

I've probably, I don't follow many porn stars on Twitter. Because that's the only place you can post porn. I guess you can do it. I don't know where else you can do it. But I don't follow many porn stars. I think I only follow No Face Girl. What up? I'm going to get you your Sad Girl season hoodie.

She said she's got two extra blow bots. I was like, send one towards your boy. A blow bot? Let's go. But aside from her, I don't follow many. But on a call, if I was scrolling Twitter and I saw a girl posted a naked picture, I'd open that.

But I would not open my Safari and go to Pornhub. And I get it. I get that sometimes, particularly if you're hungover, but sometimes you're at work and you're like, fuck, I'm horny. That's just what's happening. I'm horny right now. I can get horny for any fucking reason. If the wind blows

a certain way, my nips and dicks are going to get hard. It's just what happens. And I'm going to be like, fuck, I need to go jerk off or something like that. So if I can avoid doing it at work, tubing should be. And different you're at home i get all that but here's okay you want a little tail here i obviously live with my girlfriend now and porn becomes harder to watch it's a different thing it's not something that's not allowed it's just weird like yeah i'm not gonna fucking watch it in bed with you that's bizarre yeah so i've started exercising i've started working out so i have an excuse to shower

multiple times per day so when i'm in the bathroom i'm gonna get the best of my life just so i can watch the best shape of your life just so you can crack stick in the shower so that means you're about now you're shower jerking too no no no i go before i get in but but so like tubin's gotta find an excuse. Where are you doing? Fucking toilet, bro. You coming in the toilet? Am I coming in the toilet? No, I come on the wall.

I don't really. Yeah, maybe I do. Maybe I have. But the point is, Jeffrey Toobin, you see when you have a problem, where you're fucking, oh, me. And you're like, I got to fucking pull pud right now or else I'm not going to be able to think. I get it. I've been there.

But you got to find a fucking solution. You can't. Hey, Toobin, guess what? You got irritable bowel syndrome, buddy. You got to get up from meetings all the time and go to the bathroom. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing is, like, I'm totally board with – I sympathize with his plight. I can't co-sign how he handled it. Excuse yourself.

When you're in that mode, you can come in like 60 seconds. You know what I mean? Fire it up. Yeah, like so just go to the bathroom. That is just a medical procedure. That's not like I'm not masturbating. No. I'm just getting my mind ready.

It's like peeing. It's honestly like peeing. It's like I got to get the cum out of my dick the same way I get to pee. If I was on a Zoom, I would just move it to the side, maybe mute it. Come on back. I'm done. You know? You just get up.

Nobody would know. You can go fucking. Tuvan, you could go be like, excuse me, I got to go use the bathroom real quick. You don't have to sit down. You could fucking. I bet you could fire up in that situation when you're that fucking horny that you're going to risk on a Zoom call with the New York Times. Yeah. Like, I got to fucking jerk. This dick.

If you're, if you're that fucking horny, you can finish it. Just standing over the toilet faster than a piss. I would be like a grandpa Simpson and walk in the bathroom. Come walk right back out. I fucking wouldn't even break stride coming while I'm walking. And right back to walking over.

It's like, all right, yeah, I'll walk and jerk. No doubt. By the way, Kelly Keyes used to work for the New Yorker and she told me, like, those calls. This is what I didn't quite understand. A couple things about the tubing situation.

One, they were doing a role play. So, like, you have to be. Oh, boy. No wonder he was horny. I know. That's what I said. I'm like, you know, the big joke right now is they were doing an election call and everyone's saying it's an erection call and what kind of role playing was he doing?

But she said like she knows the people that were on that call and they are like very important. Like they are major players who were involved. And that call is like a well-known thing that they do with the company. So this is like a big deal, which actually leads me to believe that it was a little more intentional. Not that he was trying to get seen, but that he thought he was muted and he was like i'm jerking off well you know the call is happening i do think it was a little bit more voyeuristic exhibitionist then but here's my other thing i mean snitches get stitches man this did not have to be a story so those people on that call how many people were on the call i don't know and but it was like internal i thought like maybe there's clients or whatever

that they were the ones who spoke up but like they could have closed ranks like they needed a leader to step in and be like we all saw jeffrey yank his dick we're not gonna talk about that because like we're gonna fucking ruin this man and i don't i don't agree with this at all you think he should be aired out this is a message to barstool sports if you jerk off on a call i'm on i'm talking about it i guess i guess so yeah like i there's like i'm talking about it. I guess so, yeah. I'm talking about it in like, I'm going to make fun of you and tell the story. But that's because we work here too, though. If you worked at a regular company, would you really rat somebody? No, no, no.

But I would talk about it with enough people that someone would. Yeah, that's the thing. I'd be like, yo, you guys are not going to guess what Tom did. You know what I would do? Here's what a real leader would do to make sure that that man doesn't get ruined and the New Yorker keeps their reputation up. I would be like, okay, ladies and gentlemen, we all saw Jeffrey Yankee's dick. I am setting the clock for 15 minutes.

We're going to talk about this for 15 minutes. Get all your jokes out. Get all your puns. I would be like Tony Reale with the points. That was funny. That was the best joke of the points, you know, that was funny. That was bad. That was the best joke of the night. And,

and Jeffrey has to sit there with his fucking limp dick and his head in shame. And we just get it all out of our system. And then we never speak of it again. Like in the fucking hangover, when they look at the pictures, we're going to look at it once and that's it. I would have,

I would have interrupted him right after he finished and have been like, Hey, Hey, Hey, we all saw that, by the way. We were quiet while you were doing it. You're not allowed to clean it up. Rest of the phone call, you have to sit there. It'll come on your dick and in your hand. By the way, you think he came? Yeah.

Yeah. Who the fuck starts jerking off without coming? Well, so that's the way. Unless there's a 9-11, like, in my building, I'm going to finish coming. There's the fire alarm. I'm going to finish. I think I disagree. I think there's a 9-11. I'm finishing because I'm like, well, I think I'm about to finish coming. There's the fire alarm. I'm going to finish. I think I disagree. I think this is not allowed.

I'm finishing because I'm like, well, I think I'm about to die. No, I'd be on the lower floor. I could just walk out. It would be easy. And I'd still be like, well, let's – I think this building is pretty strong. Pretty sturdy. Yeah, I'd give the wall a punch. She's holding up all right. This is weight-bearing.

We're fine. But the way they described that was like he kind of came back to the call and didn't know what had happened so that means he had to have come because you don't just stop watching a fucking old man wipe come off his hands jeffrey we're talking about the presidential election here please can you fucking get that come out of here like it's almost 4 p.m. in London. It's 4 p.m. somewhere. Of all the grotesque things I've seen, I think seeing an out-of-shape older man finish masturbating would be...

That would be my Blanca. I'd become a serial killer. If I saw a fat guy... because when you're fucking pulling pud, you're not really too concerned about what everything else is doing. So you know his stomach was hanging. Everything's flapping and shaking. It's a fast motion, so if you're not in shape, it's jiggling and stuff. The noise, your face.

Just watch an old man cum. I've seen Lemon Party. I'd rather watch Lemon Party the rest of my life than see an old man cum in his hand. Definitely, definitely, man. Forget about the O-face. Like, the pre-O-face. The working at it face where you're like... You know what it would be like?

Remember when Hector Salamanca was trying to ring his bell? And he was like... That's an old man jerking off. Oh, no! Just trying to get there. Trying to get there. Trying to get there. Trying to get to the finish line. Fuck, that's the same face I make.

This has ruined masturbation for me. You ruined it. Toobin, you ruined it. It's all Toobin's fault. Oh, God. Yeah, but that dude had to finish. And you know what the worst part is? If he's old like that, you know, it's not a great cum shot.

It just kind of dribbles out. Oh, you're just a great cum shot. It just kind of dribbles out. Oh, you're judging his cum shot. Yeah, it just dribbles down his knuckles. He's not Peter North in that shit, you know? He's not tossing fucking ropes. What if Toobin fucking milked himself? What if he was fucking sitting on his own finger? What if he's got one of those, like, you know when they put the thing around their balls, you know what I mean?

Like, you wrap it around. He's got all sorts of toys and weird shit. And he's jerking it off like, yeah, he's milking it the upside down way. He had on nipple clamps and he was fucking, he had the chain in his mouth. And he kept rearing back to pull it. Too far, bro. Too far, bro. Too far. The chain in his mouth and he's rearing back to pull it.

Yeah. Hey! Oh, you poor son of a bitch. Toobin. Fucking Toobin. So wait. Yo, poor Toobin woke up fucking yesterday morning and was like god that was the worst dream ever i know cracked open twitter fuck yeah i really i i i i think that's

actually kind of a new thing for me i've i i recently have had that feeling of you wake up and i like forgot about bad news and like for like a couple seconds and then it comes like back to you like i've had that moment where i'm like oh that's right like my lawyer did call like you know like but i have a few like maybe like a minute like 60 seconds of actual like amnesia or i've forgotten had like bliss for a moment that rushing back to him in the morning where he was like oh yeah no i i did i did get caught we were talking about joe b Biden and Donald Trump, and I was jerking off. I was jerking off. And everybody knows.

I was so turned on by the 2020 election result. I had to come in my fucking hand. Do you think he could have handled it better? Do you think if he said something, it would be better than hiding the way he did? I think he should yeah but there's at that level I don't think we're even kind of reached that level here where like sometimes

people who are higher than you are like you're not allowed to say anything no I can fix this I can at least take a cut I'm not going to Carlos Beltran this I'm not going to fucking sorry about that ricochet shot I'm not going to leave it on my shoulder let me go down swinging I think I would have

either tried to come up with a joke or I would have said something like just a statement like I am so embarrassed and I would have said something like this is tough for my kids. Make them think about that because that sucks. He has kids that are I think like teens.

That sucks. You go to school the next day and it's like hey John I heard your fucking dad was jerking off at work like oh my shoot yourself in the fucking head dude that must like oh if I do this wrong like my kids high school fucking experience is gonna suck

catastrophe it's the worst don't have kids don't have kids if you're ever gonna screw up again cause it's not great. But, yeah, I think I would have tried to make a joke or at least said something because it'd be better than this. I don't know. This is just like he's going to run and hide. So we're going to keep on joking about it.

Yikes. Yeah. Speaking of jerking off inappropriately, let's talk about the Catholic Church brought to you by Omax Health. Living with chronic pain check we know about it uh living with stress and anxiety yup constant discomfort mentally and emotionally sure um but for me everything stems from chronic pain ever since i got all those injuries and surgeries and it all spirals out of control from there. And if you've got that type of pain, it can be debilitating. And then you get like down and, you know, because it's like a constant thing.

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Just roll it right on whatever's hurting. It's non-prescription triple action pain relief that's formulated to block pain receptors, reduce inflammation and improve muscle and joint flexibility. How about that fucking asshole? Jared Carabas who thought I couldn't touch my toes. Yeah, you showed him.

It's like the only thing I can do. I do remember when I was doing the presidential award thing in presidential and national and gym. You might not have done that. Never did it. So you don't know anything about that? I've definitely heard the phrase before, but I don't know what it entails. You run the mile. You do pull-ups, sit-ups, a shuttle run, which is like sprints, and I think – and then the V sit and reach.

I think were like the five things. So I would do – I could do the sit-ups. I could do the shuttle run. I could never do the pull-ups. The mile was like – I was always right on the edge, like my age group, like whatever time I needed to get. Oh, you needed to get certain times? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's how you get the presidential award. There was the national award and the presidential award. You get like a Boy Scout patch almost. And you had to run the mile. Was this in high school? No, no, no. It was like elementary school. I think it does run through high school.

I think all public schools do. I went to public school through middle school. I never did it. You do this, Nick? You do this, right? Yeah, I did it in high school. I was in a sport, so I didn't have to do it that much. Is that the rule?

You didn't have to if you played a sport? Yeah, you'd be exempt from it. I just remember running the mile, and my basketball coach was my gym teacher, and I'm crossing the finish line, and he'd be like, 8.15, very disappointing, Clancy. Like, whatever. 8.15 is a good mile. Yeah, no, you have to run it in, like, 6 early on.

Well, you got to be a fucking Olympian. I know. You have to run, like, a 6 or 7 minute, like, early. I guess, you know, when you're younger, you're, like, better at this shit. But I remember there were kids in elementary school, like, 4th grade. I'll never forget their names. Tom Filippo and Cole Gladys. Because the fastest kid is king at that age.

These motherfuckers ran the mile in like six minutes, ten seconds. It was insane. They would just sprint. They would just run. I'd be like, pace myself. They were just like, I'm going to run as fast as I can, four laps, and we're done. But the V sit and reach, bro, it was like me and the chicks.

It's like, yeah, that's right. I get like 20 inches past my fucking feet. That's why I was trying to suck my own dick, man. Anyway, not anymore. I can still touch my toes, but everything hurts when I do it. And any other activity just kills me. So I got to get this cryo freeze CBD roll on and I can get it at OMAX health dot com. That's OMAM-A-X-Health.com. Promo code KFC.

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I was like, I think this dude's a fucking Trojan horse. Oh yeah. Big time, bro. He started out with the dogs. He started out with the dogs and was like, dogs go to heaven. And then he was like, which, which, which is like, I mean, that's the Pope has just remarkable disdain for the parishioners. That's why you talk to an infant.

Right. You're like, no, he's going to a farm upstate. Well, then they really pissed the dogs go to heaven. Yeah, sure. Okay. Great. Fine. We're talking about baptized.

Because guess what? You go to hell. I was fucking told he had to be baptized. Even the babies live in limbo. They still have original sin. Yeah. I got to get that washed off. Then he said you can use the condoms.

Yep, big condom guy. Bro, buddy, you can't put a fucking condom on that dick. You better not be putting a Jimmy Cap on that little pecker of yours. As I was told in Catholic health classes, one, God invented the world. Two, you fucking got to dump loads in chicks. It is funny that the church is like, if you're gonna do it, cream pie. Make sure you're married

and make sure you load them up. Step back, watch that shit drip. Zoom in with the camera when you're done. Tell her to push it out a little bit. Awkward episode. That one hurt your face. little bit not great and now he is in favor of of gay civil unions yep which personally i mean i didn't know the pope the pope was okay all right i've got i'm wearing i got two hats on right now my respectable human who lives in like the current world and understands that everybody deserves to be happy and nobody should fuck with their shit let everyone get married the other side of me is like i've been going to ccd i've been going to church i know

the rules and you're breaking all of them i mean what's next you don't have to believe in jesus if the gays can get married and fuck with condoms and kill their dog and everybody goes to heaven, then what else? If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. The Pope is fucking one sip of Jesus blood from going down to the south in those anti-abortion fucking billboards. He's going to spray paint fuck them kids on it. What's next? We're going to let the fucking abortionshins roll too? Get yourself a good old borshin. The heartbeat starts

in fucking 14 days or whatever those billboards say. Pope's up there in his fucking hat just being like, no it doesn't. Fuck a fetus, kid. Pope Francis said so. He is crazy. I mean the olds must

be furious. I think that... I know old people who got mad when they changed the olds must be furious. I think that... I know old people who got mad when they changed the words of the prayers. Which happened like a long time ago. Long time ago. It was like 20 years ago, but they were like, wait a minute, and with your spirit, I don't know about... I remember... You think fucking old white baseball writers are tough?

Or stuck in their ways? Try telling Catholics. My grandparents on my dad's side, they were mad, I think, when they switched from Latin. It's like, god damn. Like, hardcore shit. I'd actually be

upset about that, too. I'm like, dude, I didn't even understand the language. I'm just sitting here zoning out. Now I gotta fucking listen to homilies. I disagree with you and shit. Bullshit. I wonder if there were people who were like, I gotta disagree with you and shit. Fucking bullshit. I wonder if there were people who were like, I don't even know Latin. You know what I mean? Like, none of these people fucking know Latin.

Significant amount of people. Yeah, you know? No, no, no. I mean the priests doing it. Being like, they don't know. I don't know. Ah. Dude, do you know how many... Start mumbling and gibberish up there?

How fucking irrelevant a language has to be for people to just let it die? Just stop using it. Just like, no, This language is stupid. By the way, what did Romans speak? Latin. Yeah? I mean, it's a shot in the dark. Because, you know, it's funny.

Roman, you know, is like just Italian. Right. But they weren't speaking Italian. Were they speaking English? Were they speaking Latin? And then is that where it died? Like when the fall of the Roman Empire? Like, who beat? If it Like when the fall of the Roman Empire? Like who beat?

If it died with the fall of the Roman Empire and we're still teaching it, that's great. I figured it died like, I don't know, 100 years ago, 200 years ago. Well, yeah, yeah, but I'm saying like it had to have. Yeah. Yeah, the fall of Rome. What are we doing, people? Yeah, man.

Vinny Vinny Vici. You came, we saw, we conquered. Fuck it. Ja rule. Is Vinny Vinny Vici, yeah you came we saw we conquered fuck it ja rule is vinny vichy is that latin or italian i have no idea i think it sounds italian but it it's italian all right fuck it never mind nah everything comes i'm speaking living languages i was gonna say latin it's probably very very similar to that how about those fucking dickheads in school who were like i'm learning latin for the sats so so I know the etymology of words. You did that, didn't you? My mom made me. God, I need to die.

It was also, it was, so my mom made me, but it was all, my mom was going to make me, but it was a requirement in my high school. You are so. I had a buddy who took it all four years. Like, he speaks Latin. A quite, quite literally a waste of time. Absolute waste of time. That's like that dickhead suit man who learned ancient Greek was his major in college.

You got like a master's in a language that is dead. Here's something that is not used anymore. Let me master in that. Let me master this totally useless thing. Um, yeah. Anyway, Pope,

I mean, he is just, I swear to God, he's Jewish. Like, and he's just tearing it down. He's just next thing you know, he's going to be like, and also Jesus is not the Messiah.

Wait until he says Jesus was black. Oh, baby. It's so funny. It is so funny that people think Jesus was a white guy. It's insanity. It's like, look at where he lives. You know it's coming. He's going to be like, yeah, guys.

Remember he was from the Middle East? What does everyone from the Middle East look like not this not like this abs god it is it's crazy that even even back then wait till he fucking blows it on the altar that's what people are gonna really lose their minds i mean wait until he's just you know what they need to do the number one thing they need to do is just say that priests can fuck chicks a lot of problems would be solved i don't know a lot of problems they're like we're good i can't believe thanks for allowing me the uh the entree but i'm good with the appetizers over here yeah we just order we just order a bunch of apps we don't ever worry i just do a bunch of quesadillas and nachos.

A bunch of 12-year-olds really hoping to fucking pump up their college fucking applications. That's what my buddy did. That's why he was an altar boy. Altar boy, yeah. Yeah, he's like, I'm going to look good on a college application. Oh, man. Steve was like, you really want to get into Harvard, kid? Dude, they are. They they got so many fucking problems I'm not making fun

it's your fault Catholic Church you are the one who opened the door for these things seriously seriously man you hear Chris Pratt's in trouble I wouldn't say he's in trouble he's getting heat cause he what is it well cause his church oh he's in trouble. He's getting heat because he, what is it? How do we go from fucking?

Well, because his church that he. Oh, he's in trouble with that. Yeah, like he roots for a church. He's a fan of a church that is like, that's like hateful or something. And it's like, yeah, look at the fucking Catholic church. You dumb dickheads. Pick a church. They're pretty fucking hateful.

Pretty much any group. Anytime there's a group of people getting together, it's rooted in, well, we hate them. That's really what it comes down to. But yeah, like, it's, I can't believe that there are people who, I think once the olds die, the church is in a lot of trouble. I would imagine. Because I actually just recently, like when I had kids, I was like, well, like I'll probably still have them do all the sacraments and shit

and maybe some CCD just because that's what I did. I'll probably do the baptism just in case. Yeah, you never know. Just in case we're actually washing away original sin. It's like the Bloody Mary.

You know, like, we don't need to tempt fate. After that, I'll go to church on Sundays. After that, I'm not going to church on Sundays. After that, you live in your life. But we'll fucking splash you. We'll try to drown you real quick. I did have a moment of like, I don't think I'm going to show support to this organization anymore.

They fucking rape people. Pretty solid move. Yeah, like I'm not going to give you money and I'm not going to like tell my kids to listen to you because you either condone and or cover up raping children. So you got to go. My mom does. My mom just takes the good parts from all religions. Yeah. Which is fine.

You know, like, yeah. Oh, no, I'm Buddhist in this. Where you're spiritual. Fine. That I'm all down with. But like to make it actually about like the Catholic Church, I'm like and I used to be like, yeah, it's bad. But whatever. You know, you do it for like the community aspect blah blah and then like just recently i think i was

like i don't think so can i agree with you for a moment i am struggling right now with like literally the community where it's like i guess i should become friends with like my kids parent my kids friends parents and like become like a part of the neighborhood and like all that i'm like i don't want to do that. Yeah. I have my friends and my family and those, the kids can hang out with them and I'll like be cordial, but like, I don't want to like be involved.

I got enough people. Yeah. If people start dying, I'll start taking applications. Right. But right now the slots are, but the like, I don't know.

I have too many people. I don't have a ton of people who text me but I do have too many people who text me it's not a lot but it's too many it's far too many what makes you think that we want to talk right now especially when it's like those are people you do know and you're like minded these are people I kind of know

the only thing we have in common is that the kids we created were the same school we're really pushing the boundaries in the same geographical region we're created were the same school. We were really pushing the boundaries. In the same two weeks, man. Yeah, yeah. In the same geographical region. We're kind of the same area, same age,

and we fucked at the same time. That's enough that we're going to be friends now. Okay, you want to solve the problem here? Go around and just ask everyone, what time did you come? So when you made Ricky, what time did you come? You want a Zoom call?

Did anybody see? They will be like, all right, we're not going to have Zoom calls. Yeah, we don't have any time. Well, I'm already like, I think, like a social pariah. I see people looking at me all the time. I'm like, you know, we don't have to do this, you know? You don't want me there. Or if you do, I don't want to be there.

You know what I mean? You're either, like, disgusted by me because of what I do, and you don't want me there. Or you like me, and you want me there, in which case I don't want to be there. So in either scenario, let's just let the kids play, and I'll be at home. Give me a call. I'll come pick her up when you want.

Let's do Am I the Asshole. Am I the Asshole is brought to you by Liquid IV. If you're out there boozing it up and you're going to have an IV. This is another thing I keep by my sink in my bathroom. Yep. I do Liquid IVs because I fucking slam down a bottle of glass in the morning. I have powders. Of water. Well, I put the Liquid bottle in the morning. A bottle of glass in the morning. I have powders. Of water.

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Maybe tomorrow will be better. Can I call you then? Oh, because I'm a rambling man. And I ain't ever going to change. I got a gypsy heart. I don't know any other words. Gypsy heart. Maybe it's a gypsy soul.

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Guava? Anything in the world. Sounds delicious. Yeah, sweet and juicy. Let's do it. It also sounds like something a girl would It sounds like something a girl would call her vagina is cute. This is my guava. My sweet and juicy guava. Oh, I'm going to get my guava wax.

I kind of like that. I might start saying that. Fuck that guava, girl. I got my guava up front in my peach out bag. Yeah, I like it. They also got crisp watermelon and comforting apple pie. That also sounds sexual. Five essential vitamins.

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We're too old for that reference. Is that Beavis and Butthead? Nope. God damn it, you don't even know it. Adam Sandler. Uh-uh. Okay. How about The Case of the Sexythead? Nope. God damn it, you don't even know it. Adam Sandler. How about

The Case of the Sexy Potatoes? Okay. Am I the asshole for eating sexy potatoes? This one's ridiculous. This one even had an update. This had three edits and an update post, so buckle up. It honestly feels ridiculous that I have to post this, but my co-worker has been getting on to me about this for weeks, so now I have to ask. My whole

life, I've been eating potatoes by microwaving them, then biting into them, eating them to me about this for weeks so now i have to ask my whole life i've been eating potatoes by microwaving them then biting into them eating them hot dog style this is the easiest by the way i mean i would say more like apple or pear or something it's like not shaped like a hot dog well but i guess if you cut it like it's a baked potato and then it's open almost like a hot dog no i think you i think it's a real. Okay. My whole life I've been eating potatoes in the easiest, most convenient way and an intuitive way for me to eat potatoes,

sweet potato or regular. I think this is how people in Japan eat them or at least this is how I was taught by my Japanese parents to eat them. Whenever I go to a grocery store, I always pick out the most easily biteable potatoes, which are generally longer and thinner than most potatoes. There you go.

So I work in an office of about 30 people. We all typically bring our own lunch and I usually just eat at my desk while doing work. No one has ever commented about how I eat potatoes, but I do eat them quite frequently. There you go. I was eating potatoes too suggestively. I was a little shocked because I literally had my eyes glued to my screen whenever I'm eating and barely pay attention to how I eat. I told her no one else seemed to have a problem with the way I eat potatoes, but she insisted others were too polite to say anything. I asked a few other coworkers who were all just as confused as me about what she was saying. I figured no one else really had a problem with it,

but this happened multiple times. She kept coming over to me asking me to tone down the way I eat, even accusing me of going out of my way to choose sexy potatoes. I considered bringing them in other ways, but this is just the easiest way for me to eat them. And they're honestly delicious to me like this. So I asked her just not to watch me eat, but apparently that's not feasible. Unfortunately,

she reported me. Now I have a meeting with HR next week. It seems really dumb to me, but am I the asshole for eating sexy potatoes? She said, edit. Thank you for the gold. Thank you for everyone who gave me tips.

Edit two, please stop asking me for videos of me eating potatoes. It's extremely creepy and weird. It also would be extremely boring and the least sexy thing you've ever watched. Edit three. Because I've got a ton of comments asking how to microwave a potato. She just gives instructions on how to eat a potato. And then the update. Oh boy, the update's long too.

So I had a couple meetings with HR. The first one was on my own uh with the hr woman according to her a co-worker reported me for sexual harassment and creating a hostile workplace uh i was i was i was nervous i was scared i was allegedly making lewd gestures while eating i told her exactly what had happened how i ate the potatoes i explained my side i could tell that hr was getting really annoyed and she said are you sure you didn't do anything to make her believe you were being inappropriate are you sure you weren't harassing her even unintentionally i told her i never even talked to her and that she approached me first um um so let's talk about it i'll read

through i'll read through i mean where are you at on the sexy potatoes? If anyone ever dared to say this to me, the next lunch, I would fuck my face so hard with the potato. I'd be on my fucking desk with my fucking back on it with my head hanging off. This is what a pillow potato just fucking smashed my coffeeage i would put a potato right up my ass i'd be like you don't like the way i eat wait you don't like the way i eat potatoes wait till you see how i fuck them wait till you see me get fucked by this potato okay i'd walk around the office with that thing and be like a plug like hey karen look at this. I got a fucking potato in my asshole.

How about that now, you dumb asshole? But I also, having said that, I do understand. I am extraordinarily judgmental when it comes to how people eat. Yes. I am a fucking class assassin. If I see you doing something where I'm like, I will judge your whole life. Your whole fucking world. I'll break it down. All in my head. I won't be saying it to you.

In my head! And I will just be like, this fucking person was raised by wild boars. You fucking savage. You eat with your fucking hand over the fucking, you scoop it like that. You fucking chew with your mouth open. You don't know what for to use. You eat with your fucking hand over the fuck and you scoop it like that. You fucking chew with your mouth open. You don't know what for to use. Go to jail.

You fucking bitch. I'd be furious. And when I was in college, one of my roommates loved delicious mangoes. He'd cut a mango in half and he'd eat it like this. Like shaving it almost in his mouth. But it would look like you're eating

a pussy. And very suggestive. Sex. Sex and mangoes. And I was like. Can't do it. You got to stop eating them like that. And he had the same response. Why don't you stop looking at me?

And I said, because it looks like you're eating a pussy, but you're eating a mango. And I can't take my eyes off it. Also your roommates, you know, like he was doing that right in front of you. Right in front of me. Trying to watch fucking intervention and do cocaine. And it was just like... What a combo. I think that this girl should report her for harassment.

You're watching me eat and then reporting me? You're the one being harassed towards me. I'm not kidding. If I saw you... You already told me you thought I ate potatoes. Oh, I would dial it up for sure. I'd be tonguing that potato. I'd either fucking puke it up, I'd down so far just swallow i would have like butter melting down my face and shit sour cream everywhere

ketchup oh just fucking mashing it into my mouth i would go adriana chetchik on those fucking potatoes man uh and i come over here but i can't get a napkin real quick i'm making just covered all that being said it's fucking weird and you know what doesn't help your case oh the asian people eat it that way it's like yeah that's the problem stop it like we're in western culture over here it's kind of a bizarre way to just this is a bizarre meal to choose like yeah potatoes potatoes yeah you have to eat the, what are those called? The legumes? Like, no. No, he paid potatoes.

Yeah, yeah. Potatoes with his own manure. He fucking, he grew them with his own shit. Why don't you just fucking get a fucking chicken sandwich you weirdo? Yeah. And also,

I mean, I think I would, her picking the long ones to then eat it like a hot dog, I think is a bizarre choice. Yeah, why don't you just eat it with a fork and knife I think is a bizarre choice. Yeah. Why don't you eat with a fork and knife? Right. That seems easier.

Not as messy. And you know, like, like that's the thing. If, if, if she was eating it totally normal and someone called you out, it's like,

what else do you want me to do? You want me to start eating it like a hot dog? No, that's weird. You are doing something unorthodox. So I'm not saying you should like get fired or be harassment, but you know how you could just rectify this whole situation? Just eat them normal.

Yeah. So I think you're both the asshole. Okay. I'm down with that. Sexy potatoes. Again, I want to be clear. I'd have the boss drag me around on a fucking leash to fucking – I'd have nipple clamps to my mouth as I'm rearing back.

I would get so suggestive and perverted with these fucking potatoes that the Irish would just... We like corn now. Keep the famine going. I've seen what this guy does with a potato, and I'm not interested anymore. This is from the... It's not Am I the Asshole. It's one of the relationship ones. This is weird, though.

I'll make it an Am I the Asshole. Am I the Asshole for trying to incorporate a used condom into our anniversary gift? Me, female... Oh, she's the... Oh, that makes it even crazier. Me, female 26, and the hubby, male 30, have been married together... Have been together for five years and married for two. And our anniversary is coming up next weekend.

Recently, I found the first condom we used when we hooked up. In parentheses. It was cleaned. Don't worry. It was cleaned? No idea why I saved it. Well, now I'm real worried. Exactly.

No idea why I saved it. Guess I was 21 and dumb. Anyways, I was thinking of trying to make a cute do-it-yourself gift, like maybe the condom and then a photo of us and our baby with the caption, from there to now. That's hot in the streets right now. Here's how it started. Here's how it's going. I don't know. Just thought it could be cute. My phone died.

Am I the asshole? There wasn't much more. That is crazy. You should do this if you want to get divorced. I thought it was a guy at first because I don't know. You're crazy if you're a guy too, but I don't know. We've heard stories of dudes who pin the condoms up on the wall and shit like that. For a girl to have saved a condom for five years, like, tucked it away in a shoebox?

Where would she even get this condom? Fucking nuts. She had to save it on purpose. She had to ask him for it. She had to say, when you're done, can I have that condom? Because every condom I've ever used, I go to the bathroom, and I throw it away. Well, she didn't have to ask him.

She could just go through the garbage. I flush it. You flush the rubber down the toilet? That's how there's fatbergs floating around. Well, yeah. I think so. I honestly don't want to be a... In days of yore, when I used a fucking

rubber prophylactic, I would wrap it up in a... In days of yore, when I used a fucking rubber prophylactic, I would wrap it up in a toilet paper and throw it in the garbage. I've definitely done that, too. I feel like I could... I do not think you can flush them. I think they are exclusively... I've certainly flushed them. Well, I'm saying, yeah, you can.

I don't believe I regularly move, but I've definitely done it. You should. They are very much not flushable. Instead, I don't know if there's ever a phase in my life when I regularly use condoms, So I don't really know. The first girlfriend I had, I was petrified of. You should use condoms, by the way. Do as I say, not as I do.

No, you shouldn't. Do as I don't do. Don't use condoms. Don't fuck people who you think you need to use condoms for. That's the real message. That's a better answer, yeah. Now, the pregnancy thing, a whole different story. Don't use condoms.

Don't cum in people. Yeah. Pulling out works 100% of the time. Definitely not, but sometimes, most of the time. Look at me. I am a scientific experiment that proves that pulling out works 100% of the time. Look at me, the barren man who stands before you.

I don't get it. I don't have any kids. That's, you know what? Don't use condoms. Don't pull out. Just treat your body so poorly that your cum is dead. My kids are all infants without floaties. They drown in that WAP. John's cum, they don't swim. They just float kind of.

Trying to keep their head above water in that water. My cum is a dead dude tied to a cinder block. Just bricks of brick shoes. Like when the mafia throws you. You're kind of sleeping with the fishes. Yeah, you know the images of sperm in cartoons and stuff where it's just a little head or tail? I mean, that's what it really looks like. Right, no, I know. But when mine comes out, it's just a tail pulling the rest down.

The top's flailing, like, I'm trying to swim, and the head's just like, nope, buddy. You got a big fat head. This head has not learned how to swim. Just plumbeting. You come, and it comes out right away. You know what I mean? It's like it's running out of the pussy. Get me out of here. I come and have to get out of the room because it comes flying back at me.

Mister, mister, get me out of here. So anywho, I mean, do not do this. No, of course you're the fucking asshole. But you know what's funny? Because it is a girl, I think if a guy got this, he'd be like, this is super fucking weird. But he'd be like, aw, cute.

And he'd be like, throw it in the garbage. Maybe he would do an M.I.D. asshole. He'd be like, my wife gave me a fucking used condom for our anniversary. But, like, these things would, you know, he'd let this slide, right? Would you, like, call her out on this? Oh, yeah. Yeah? I mean, this is very bizarre.

Super bizarre. I don't know is very bizarre. Super bizarre. I don't know if I would. I think I would put myself in those shoes and I'd be like, if I ever like miss, if I ever swung and missed this bad, I would not want someone to like call me out on it. So I'm not going to do it to them. I guess. I don't know. I'm not known for my calling out people for things.

That's what I mean. But I feel like with a girlfriend or a wife, whatever this is, I would be like, this is bizarre. Unless she put the picture of our baby in the condom and wrote what could have been. And then it's funny. Yeah, wish a condom caught

that fucking kid. Yeah, right, right. But even still having to use condom. Also, what's funny is I would not assume, I wouldn't be like, that's the, what's funny is I would not assume, I wouldn't be like, that's the condom we used. I would just assume it's a fuck you open up a condom. Right. You know?

Like a normal last person. So maybe this would miss, and then she'd have to be like, no, no, no, babe, that's the condom. And then you'd have to be like, what? But I think there's two things here, and this ties nicely into our third M&A asshole. Do you keep your mouth shut to be polite, or do you speak up to help this person maybe avoid another incident?

I'd say – I'd probably just be like, from now on, I'll give you a list of things I like. Yeah, or it's the anniversary. Girls will give guys the gifts. I'll take care of it. I'll get you some jewelry from the Blue Nile, and that's it. We don't have to do anything. You give me head, like whatever. You know what I mean? We'll do anal, whatever.

Stop with the used condoms. But we got a story here. This is a personal submission. Guy goes out with a girl who's hooked up with her a couple times. In the middle of the night, at his place, he wakes up, thinks he's like having a dream. He's like half disoriented. Sees her squatting and peeing on the ground on a hardwood floor. And he's already awake and he has to go pee.

So he gets up and goes to the bathroom and he kind of shakes it off. Like, well, that was a weird dream that I saw her do that. And then he walks back in and he steps in a puddle and he's like, oh shit, it was real. She had taken herself to the couch to go sleep,

assuming that she's just fucked up and probably doesn't know what she probably somewhat realized she peed on the floor. I was like, oh, what do I do? Half drunk. She's like, oh, I'll just go sleep here. He cleans it up, wakes up in the morning. No mention of anything. Is he the asshole for not speaking up? Should he have spoken up?

Who's the asshole? I mean, we can say she's the asshole for peeing. Although it is kind of like a subconscious thing. It's like, you need to clean your act up, but it's like you didn't pee on purpose. Yeah, I wouldn't say... I'd say no assholes here. I don't think you're an asshole because someone who

has peed... I do think you're an asshole, but it's not like you're not a... I would absolutely not be mad at you. Yeah, I guess mad is not. If you were fucking drunk and asleep and you're in a fucking fugue state, then look, I don't know. I wish I didn't see you fucking gargoyling on my goddamn hardwood floor, pissing. It's got to be all over her feet too, right?

Oh, spraying all over the place. Like a fucking leaky faucet. Not like a leaky faucet. Broken faucet. Like a full fucking faucet just with Not like a leaky faucet. Broken faucet. Like a full fucking faucet just with no hose on the end. Yeah. That's what the penis is. Or when you take the hose and you put your thumb over it.

Women piss. Women's rooms covered in piss. All over the place. They have floors, walls, fucking sinks. Ceilings. Sinks everywhere. It's just piss. It's like the fucking Red Room in The Shining. Only it's just it's just piss it's like the fucking red room in The Shining

only it's just full of piss so yeah it's all over her toes it's all over her ankles it's all over her labia so

she's down and out you still have voicemails to do I don't I don't fucking I don't she's not the asshole I feel bad for her.

She's got... Oh, boy. Just seeing the fucking... You ever get out of the shower without drying your feet? Uh-huh. Guess who's got piss footprints all over the house? Everywhere. Everywhere. Oh, boy. And guess what? She didn't get back in bed either, did she?

Nah, she went right to the couch. Just rub that, dry that piss. You ever sometimes piss your pants and it goes down your leg? Nope. And you fucking just go like this and just dry it with the pants. That's how she used your couch. She used your couch as a piss dryer. You got to get that thing fucking.

I love you could have told that without admitting that you pissed your pants and rubbed it. You could have just said you rubbed your feet. Yesterday it happened. It was like down on my... So when I put the pecker back in... He's pointing to his calf. All the way to his calf. So I put my piece back in and it was just like hanging here

and I guess my pants were a little loose. So it got down there. It was just a fucking straight drop like my cum. And so I just kind of did one of these bad boys. Just like, oh, we'll dry that. We'll dry that up real quick. Pissed on the inside of my pants. Who gives a shit?

I pee everywhere. Apparently. Everywhere. I'm making fun of girls' fucking leaky hoses and the leaky faucets. Your hose is a nightmare. My hose is like little rascals. When they're trying to... It just goes everywhere, man. What do you want me to do?

Your dick is like a fire hose. It's an unmanned fire hose. That's just flailing and flying. You piss everywhere, dude. God damn it. So, no, she's not the asshole, but also I wouldn't fucking say anything. I would never say anything, but I would I do think

I just big daddy that. She might not know. Yeah, I agree. I would, you know, maybe get out that janitor, that green powder. But that girl's gotta know like, hey, next time you can't have like six glasses of Chardonnay and skip dinner and go back to his...

You gotta like... You can do shit and check. I'll fucking clean it up again. What if it's somebody else? You gotta let her know for the sake of her future. If you are a fun drunk person, I'll clean your piss up every time. Aw. Don't care.

That's romantic. If you are an asshole when you're drunk, I'll fucking... Rub your nose in it. Oh, yeah. I'll fucking get a glass and just scoop that up and dump it on your face. Happens to Betsy. Let's do voicemails. Yeah, let's go.

Voicemails, let's do it. What do we got, Nick? What's up, fellas? So, I'm just to get right into this. I have like a half confessional, half hypothetical here for you. So back when you guys did the Philly show, I'm from Philly, by the way. I was at the show. I saw you.

You guys were great. But anyway, right before I came in, about half a block away, all by myself, I smoked a really large joint. So I rolled into your show high as fuck. And for the entire show, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that KFC was KFC and Feidelberg was Feidelberg. I had your guys' names mixed up for the entire damn show. Wow. And it completely fucked my day up i was laughing a lot

but like it was just a weird weird experience to the point where i felt too sketched out to like hang out and talk to you guys after so sorry about that but anyway hypothetical um if you guys were in a freaky friday situation and you woke up and you were in each other's bodies, what is the very first thing that you would do? All right. Later. Fight over who killed himself. Why? If you were me?

Just to kill you? No, just, like, because you wouldn't want to, like, you know, you wake up, my kids are there and, like, you know, like living, like, the responsibility that I have. If the kids are there. If you woke up on let's say a Saturday morning where you gotta do the whole shebang you would not know what to do.

I would go and get a swastika tattooed on my forehead. And then it's just like, I'm not allowed in public. You gotta come take the kids. Could you imagine when we switched back? You did what? You had 24 hours as me and you got a swastika tattoo?

I'd be like, look, I woke up. I'd call the wife. And I'd be like, look, I woke up. Something bad happened. Someone broke into my house last night, gave me a tattoo on the forehead. And I can't go outside. You got to take the kids. And by the way, this is for the foreseeable future.

And then it would be on you. I'd be like, at some point, I will be able to handle the outside. Until then, you're going to have to deal with the kids. And it would be. Bro, I wish. If I could. No, I wouldn't get a swastika tattoo. That's too over the top.

I'd just get a Hitler mustache tattoo. If you woke up and let's say. I wish. What I really need is you to snap into it on like a like Saturday night really is when it's a shit show. I get him. I get him in the afternoon. The nighttime rolls around. You got to do dinner and bath and like Keegan shitting himself before he goes to bed at night.

Oh, and then you wake up in the morning. He's going to bed with a poopy diaper. I can't do that to a kid. I can't do it to myself, buddy. Just last episode. We're talking about being selfish. And guess what? I cannot handle. I can't do that to a kid. I can't do it to myself, buddy. Just last episode, we're talking about being selfish. And guess what? I cannot handle.

I got a nervous stomach. Eric Andre says it. I got a nervous stomach. Yeah, that's going to be a problem for you. I can't do a poopy diapy. And I want a day where my lawyer is emailing me and I'm getting phone calls from people and all of that. I would just love to watch you just die. I mean, it's not funny. I laugh.

You could tell that was a laugh, like a nervous. Because it's not funny. And I don't appreciate the sentiment that it's funny. It's not funny. It's not. It's not. I'm laughing because I'm trying to stop the tears. It's terrible.

I don't know. Because I'm trying to stop the tears. It's terrible. I would. Bro, I don't know if Sue. Because I wouldn't want you to die. And I wouldn't want you to. Well, maybe it would be best case. Because then you get to live out your life. I'm just dead. Just like that.

Well, no, because you're alive. Right. Wouldn't that be funny? That's a great twist. It's like Freaky Friday meets Mr. and Mrs. Smith, where both people switch and neither wants to go back. No, no, no. Like, one person wants to go back, and the other person doesn't. So you're, like, hunting him and trying to kill him.

Like, he's trying to get back to, like, the magic fountain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, I got to stop you because I don't want to ever go back. So now I'm hunting you like an assassin, and you're trying to get to the fountain to go back to get to yourself while also i'm trying to kill you oh that's a fun twist i love that freaky friday and we don't learn a lesson and the lesson is like i can't go back to my kids and my wife i want to stay fucking girls it's not the ryan reynolds no one yeah i'm like no no this is good this is great like the first thing i would do is i would just drink so heavily because i'd be like apparently i have a body that doesn't get hangovers anymore yeah it'd be great that's the test yeah and you

i mean you'd have a couple glasses of whiskey you wake up in the morning like oh my god these kids i want no part of that yeah i want no i want no part of that i want all parts of your life you want no parts of my life we switch you better fucking find a way to switch back dude you gotta like we gotta like both touch the statue at the same time like fuck no motherfucker that ain't happening over here i would just live in your fat ugly body forever because it's better than my shitty life god damn that's scary to think about also john is visibly uncomfortable like i am what because i don't want to say anything too mean like i don't want to be like like i don't want to fucking it's

already implied i want no i don't want kids i don't want to fucking live in a life where i have to have two kids with me would you rather have my life now or my life you know about three years ago probably now yeah which is a sad thought like yeah now yeah now for sure because it's like there's some element of freedom yeah there's a little bit there's there's light at the end of the tunnel yes there is it's not like i have 18 and people always say 18 it's not 18 it's forever it's it's like especially if you have a daughter like daughters till they're 30 you have children now like 25 they're living with you. My mom, my sister lives with my parents, basically.

She lives, like, above them, but, like, lives with them, you know? Like, they're still paying for everything and all that shit. That's... People who think it's, like, 18, then, oh, then they're off to college and start paying themselves. But it's almost... No, 18 is when the fucking big checks start coming. Yeah, right.

Then it gets hard. But it's almost, like, I feel like my parents are, like, I'd rather that than you, like, live on your own and complain to me all the time. You know, just come here and I'll pay your fucking rent. Whatever. Go on. My apartment's taken. Right.

Yeah, just fucking sit here for free then. But did he always think we were the other person? Yeah, I think he was so high at the show. If you listen to this whole show and like for years, that's what I first thought. And then I realized, yeah, I think he just meant like when he saw us, we got fucked up. It's impossible to go through this whole show not knowing who we say each other's names right a million times and like we have very

different lives and we talk about very different things like it's very hard to mix I think we're pretty different voices I sound like a drunk baby with a fucking swollen tongue you sound like I don't know easily New York yeah that would be wild if you if you didn't pick up on it for like eight years but either way pretty pretty stupid.

Next up. Hey, Casey Fipes. So I just started a class this week. And to start off, we just have to introduce ourselves, you know, say who we are, where we're from, what our major is, and an interesting fact about ourselves so this one girl literally put an interesting fact about herself is when i was born they thought i was dead like what the fuck kind of shit is this like my question for you guys is should i ask her what happened and uh do you think she's a vampire no all right first of all i kind of love that move because i mean that's pure chaos that's that's so that is so socially unacceptable it's why when i was born i was dead in a fucking

in like a first class icebreaker or orientation or whatever what i would do though because i know you're you're trying for chaos and you want a reaction i would stonewall i would just be like interesting and you know like move on to the next guy. And the next guy is like, I like to go cycling. And I'd be like, tell me more. I would make sure I'm interested in everybody else except you and your socially unacceptable story. What was yours? I don't think I've ever done this, to be honest. Really?

Oh, we had a lot. What would i do um i think oh i think one time i did like i'm a meds fan from the bronx or something like that oh fun yeah i was born in australia what i was born in australia what does that mean this is what i would say oh it's just a lie. Yeah. Oh, you can lie. Yeah, of course you can lie. You can lie whatever the fuck you want. Yes.

You are allowed to lie at all times. Trust me. No one can stop you. I do it all the time just for fun. I'm just going to tell somebody something that's not true. Just because I can. I thought you meant like, yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. Oh, when did you move here?

When I was two. That's why I don't have an accent. What was Australia like? I don't know. I haven't been back. Pretty long flight. I don't know. You can't stop me.

That kid's Australian. That's the ugliest Australian I've ever seen. We found him. The only ugly one. The only bad-looking one in the whole continent. No one ever cared. It wasn't a big thing, but it was just like, I don't know. I don't know who's in that class.

You don't know me. Yeah. You don't need to know me. And yeah, you're not going to get to know me by just some fucking stupid game. That's such a weird concept. Oh yeah. What is your deepest, darkest secret? Meet your new friends. Right. Two truths and a lie. Like, tell me things about yourself and then manipulate me. Shut the fuck up. Fuck you.

Let's do one more and we'll get into our interviews. Hi guys, it's Catherine. I just have a question. What is your top three embarrassing meals that you make? So I know KFC is a single dad. You've probably gone the same road as me and just made a whole box of macaroni and cheese just for one sitting. That's it. Not even bothering with a bowl, just straight out the pan.

Or shout out to Nick, a sleeve of Ritz crackers with a tub of cream cheese with one knife. Not really a plate, no other utensils, just straight up. Is that you or is that me? Let us know what you guys think. I tweeted it once. If you do not do a pregnancy understanding lesson with Kate, I'm going to be super

upset. Alright, thanks guys. That's a good idea. Start with the vagina. What's that? Right now, I am doing that cream cheese thing. It's disgusting. Here's the disgusting thing about this this I'm not ashamed of it neither of these meals would have been like a depression meal a box of macaroni

a full box of macaroni that's called dinner easy peasy I've been doing a full tub of cream cheese that's tough a full tub of cream cheese is whipped is the difference really tough how often like a day per day a full tub of cream cheese. That's tough. A full tub of cream cheese is whipped. It's whipped. There's a difference. Really tough. How often? Like a day

per day? Nah, but there was three days in a row I did it, but then I stopped. Jesus Christ. That's not good. No. Let's be honest. We gotta clean that up. And it's not a tub in one sitting. I know. You're grazing.

But, I mean, I do I do I can't be on a show with you if you're going to do that. I think we do plenty of enabling with each other. I think we've got to draw a line in the sand somewhere, and it's a tub of

cream cheese a day. We have enabled everything under the sun and that's where you're like, nope. I mean, drugs, sex, violence, all of it, no cream cheese. If we were interviewing someone for a show, such as Eric Andre, who puts on a lot of weight for his new season, season five of the Eric Andre show, coming out Sunday night, if he told us, like, oh, how'd you put on 15 pounds?

He's like, I would eat a tub of cream cheese a day. We'd be like, oh, you fucking animal. But if he said to me, whipped, I would say that's different. Whipped is different. Oh, that sits in the lower intestine a little different. Come on, Kevin. But okay. All right.

But if you had a block of cheese, you wouldn't judge me? I would. Oh, you would? Yeah. I guess we are just Judge Judy over here. Excuse me. Probably this is pretty based in I'm not a huge cheese guy. I like cheese on my burgers.

You would eat a pint of ice cream, no problem. For sure. So fuck off. Not fucking daily. And also. That's also not true. Three days in a row. You would do that daily.

You could do that daily. You have done that daily. I actually don't think I could. I can't. Not fucking daily. I can't't think I could. I can't. You can't do fucking daily. I can't remember the last time I put down a full pint. I've been, my, I mean, you look, you fuck off. Last time you ate ice cream, you ate a pint.

You were in my freezer last night. There was an ice, there was a pint in there. That's been there since like the day I moved to that apartment. It's, that's a couple of weeks, John. Yeah, but what I mean is like, I didn't finish it that sitting and like, it's still, I'm more of like a, comparable to you, a grazer. I'll go with a weeks, John. Yeah, but what I mean is I didn't finish it that sitting, and it's still – I'm more of like a – A graze. Comparable to you, a graze. I'll go a spoonful, bam, and that's it.

So what are we doing here? But it's just not regularly done. If I got a point in – I just had one bad week. I mean, I guess. I see a lot of pretzel crisps on your desk, which I know you use to dip into whipped cream or whipped – I went and got it this morning. And not whipped.

It's like, oh my God. That fucking breath right there was the breath of a man who eats a fucking tub of cream cheese daily. That was, I'm exhausted from breathing breath. That was, I'm having an asthma attack perhaps. Breath. Listen to that, Kevin. You don't hear that?

You don't hear the fucking carbohydrates and dairy just ripping apart your insides? Here's my thing. God, every morning, every morning you wake up. You know how The Rock says every morning when my feet hit the ground, the devil goes, oh, no, he's up? Every morning when your feet hit the ground, the toilet goes, oh, no, he's up. No, that's my thing. It's not any different than what – it's Rob and Peter to pay Paul. If it wasn't – what's worse?

If I put down half a tub of cream cheese or if I eat four Entenmann's donuts? What's worse? Pint of cream cheese. If I put down a whole – a half a pint of cream cheese or if I eat four Entenmann's donuts, what's worse? Pint of cream cheese. If I put down a whole half a pint of cream cheese or I eat three bowls of cereal. Pint of cream cheese. I mean, you know what goes on in three bowls of cereal? It's like half a gallon of milk. Yeah, but you're not refilling the milk every time.

You put a little more on there, but you're drinking the milk and then pouring a whole new shebang every time? No. Yo, you dairy-ass mother... You're a fucking calf. That's what I mean. Kevin... I was born in this. I've been doing milk and dairy my whole fucking life.

This doesn't even phase me, bro. Kevin goes to the doctor. He's like, what's your diet like? He's like, I don't know. You ever seen a baby cow eat? Yeah, that's me. Just sucking dairy. I want a fucking whole...

Whole... I want all the... I want a fucking tub of Elmer's Super Glue. You're goddamn right. You're goddamn right. You got an IV of that shit around here? Fucking hook me up. Hook it up. Let's fucking go.

I mean, that's why out of all my body troubles, still never broken a bone. Give me that cream cheese. All right, let's get into our interviews we got uh we got two for you we'll start off with eric andre that crazy motherfucker it's brought to you by thursday boots this is a company that bootstrapped their way to the top they've been shaking up the industry with ridiculously high quality boots that sell direct to consumer at unbeatable prices head over to thursdayboots.com and try a pair today with free shipping and free returns if for

any reason you don't love your size or fit Thursday boots has got you covered. Check out their survey afterwards. Let them know that I sent you there. He's waving. I can't hear you. Can we hear you now? Can you hear me now?

Yes. Yep. And we are back. There he is. Dude, I'll tell you what, when you, when you don't have audio, it feels like an hour.

I thought that was the worst panic sense ever when you feel like you're fucking this up. That was fucking brutal. Actually, it kind of ties in nicely with you, though, because those are moments where normal people are like, oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. This is so awkward. And you probably just sit there like, I live for this. I thrive in these awkward moments. Born in this. What's up?

What's going on, man? What's up? What's up, guys? You look like you've been doing some drinking. Stone cold summer, and I got a good night's rest. That sucks to hear. Because honestly, someone said that about me recently where it was like fight so it's coming off a bender so i like haven't drank in a few days i did my hair today i

was like getting ready for eric and then it's just like hey by the way you look like a fucking bloated piece of shit you look like you know when they do like a baseball documentary about like the 1975 pittsburgh pirates and it's like all the players were on methamphetamines all day, every day. It was like vintage sports footage. Great to see you. Great to see you too, Eric. Doc Ellis hitting a no-hitter on acid. You were on that team.

Dude, I was just, I was no joke just about to tell you how great you look. No, you know what you look like? You look like that thing where you draw with the iron filings. You know what I mean? You have the little magnetic thing. It's like a little magnetic pen, and you draw the hair on and the mustache on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are that fucking guy.

That's your face, man. Dude, with all the, especially you look great because all the pictures and stuff we've seen coming out for the new Eric Andre season, Eric Andre show season, you had told us last interview that you put on a bunch of weight, you shaved your head, and you look fucking great again. Thank you. You went full method actor with it to blend in? I went full method actor, and now I am fully erect.

How much did you put on? I got up to, I've been like in the 180s my whole life. I think I got up to like 205. I was trying to go like Christian Bale and gain like 60. It was hard, man. Your body doesn't want, your body wants to be what it is. You know what I mean? I always eat peanut butter jelly sandwiches

every night and pizza and drinking fucking beer. And like it was kind of that's as good as I get. And my weight flux. I'm not even good at being fat. I like my weight fluctuates scene from scene to scene. I'm not good at it. You know, for most people, that's a good thing for you.

You're like, fuck, I can't get fat. Yeah. No, I wanted to look pregnant. I mean, don't get me wrong. You looked absolutely disgusting. But, you know to look pregnant. I wanted to look like a puppy. I mean, don't get me wrong. You looked absolutely disgusting. Thank you. What was the picture you had on your Instagram? I was just looking for it.

I don't know if Instagram took it down or you took it down. Were you just rocking nip clamps? Oh, yeah. I got them on now under my shirt. All right. Give me a skill. I rock nip clips. Is that your first time ever in a nip clip?

No. I can't say that it is. I can't say that it is. All right, when was the first time? And are we talking private or personal? Private or public? A little bit of A, a little bit of B. My man, I'm a freak.

I'm dating a squirter, you know what I'm saying? You got to get that Dexter room out. I'm getting drenched. What's up? You got to set the room up like Dexter. You get the plastic everywhere. Oh, my God. My mattress is like a wet sponge.

You show up every day looking like a most dangerous game guy, just a crab fisherman in Alaska. Yeah, that's always fun until it's not, and then it's just highly inconvenient, you know? Yeah, I think you just pee. I think you just pee all over the place. It's cool, though, no? It doesn't feel like an accomplishment.

You feel like badass about it, right? It's a huge accomplishment. It's like, there's a 90% chance you just peed on me in the middle of sex, but it feels like I earned that, so whatever. Yeah, exactly. How else can I come? Come on,

let's be real. And then you know what? It is tough going back. It's like, wow. I got nipple clamps i'm a mess there's a point of no return and you went well past it bro how's how's quarantine been going i know last time we talked it was early in quarantine and you were you were doing a lot of pina coladas i believe out of pineapples are we are we still i gained weight i lost weight i gained a little back i'm trying to get back.

I'm fluctuating. I'm binging and purging. You know, I'm trying to get away from. So you got a. You developed an eating disorder over quarantine. You're just full blown. I developed an eating disorder, a drinking disorder, a pill disorder, a nipple clamp disorder.

Yeah. But we're squirting, so we're good. We got this piece of shit from you guys. This thing right here. This is your... Yes. This is a ranch bath bomb. We have a gigantic cooler of hot water right now.

I'm going to pop this bad boy in while we do this and just see how disgusting this is while we talk. Have you... Oh, I thought you were going to drink it. Don't drink it. Babe. I'm not you, dude. I mean, this's not normal.

Have you been in the room while one of these have gone off yet? I haven't rocked them yet. I just got some in my mouth opening it because, I mean, it does taste like ranch. Give us a whiff, John. Put it on a sandwich. It's very ranchy. This is going to be so disgusting while we do this interview. I can't wait to just smell the aroma.

This is like a fully immersive Eric Andre experience where you're ridiculous talking to us while we smell like fucking ranch. You are a gross human. Smell-o-vision. Smell-o-vision. How was you hosted Run the Jewels? I forget exactly what it was called. Something Vote on HBO Max.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy Kalama Vote. Kalama Vote. There it is. We banged it in and out. I riffed. I improvised. They put it together. That was great. Is it when you're hosting, are they just like, do whatever the fuck you want? Yeah, they were like, do whatever the fuck you want.

I don't think you have a choice, man. Has anybody ever said, here's exactly what you have to do, follow the rules? Because I feel like that's a surefire way to get Eric Andre. They do, they do. I'm not good at that. Spread my wings and fly. I mean, last time we talked, you were promoting your stand-up special. I mean, it's pure fucking chaos when you're out there and you are let alone to your own devices.

I got to imagine you follow some rules for some certain things, but something like that where you're doing stand up. I mean, that was pure lunacy, man. Yeah. My next stand up special. I want to MMA fight Kevin Hart on stage. That's it. No jokes. That's just a fight to the death.

I'll probably win. I think he worked out a lot i'm in terrible shape if you get your ass kicked by kevin hard that's that would be your greatest bit to date yeah he's just and we give him like a kimbo slice haircut you'd have to meet him on set at a commercial though he doesn't he doesn't have much time i know he doesn't we much time. I know. He will do it in between the Chase Bank credit card commercials. What do you think it would cost? Squeeze it in.

What do you think Kevin Hart's number is to actually do this? Be like, yeah, I will take time out of my career to fight you. I don't know. He's very expensive. Very expensive, man. Do you think if you send him a ranch bath bomb it'll do it that'll that'll put him over the top yeah i might tip the scale i don't know you'd have to have cameras ready to go because he'd just show up to fight you yeah it wouldn't be that's actually your best bet is to

just make him hate you so that it's not even about the money or the event he just wants to kick your ass yeah i mean i will i'll wrestle him i won't win but i'll do it if you had to say something to make kevin hart hate you right now what would you say so we can cut the rest of this out oh come on you called my bluff with this bit you say that and then we'll we'll bow finger it you'll just have cameras ready to roll you run up on them and you say xyz yeah oh yeah the the audience nobody millennials don't like anything better than a fucking bow finger reference i don't even know what you're talking about it's like a movie and steve martin i almost had a fucking stroke just trying to compose that sentence. They like,

the hell have a movie. They just have cameras rolling and they're like, people don't know it. Uh, it's a good movie. Listen, fuck the millennials. It's a good reference.

Fuck you. Okay. It makes perfect sense. Good movie. I like that move. What's going on in the new season? Uh, but I will,

I will murder Kevin Hart with my bare hands. Once I get into the ring, no hold bar, bar none. I will fuck both of with my bare hands once I get into the ring. No hold bar, bar none. I will fuck both of his parents. You get me one minute in the ring with Kevin, little brother, I'm going to snap it to a Slim Jim. What's cooking in this season, man?

What was like, I mean, every time- I waxed my pubic hair. I got rid of all my body hair this season. I waxed my pubes and it was excruciatingly painful Now what's your pube deal like? Because judging by the top of the head It's a force It's not too far off from that So did you grow it out for that?

I grew it out, I ripped it out So that was You intentionally gained weight Did you intentionally gain pubes or are you just like you're always Amazon? Well, I usually keep them trim. You know, I kind of manscape my pubes. I got a Brazilian most of the time. I was going to say, what did you do with your asshole?

The asshole waxed it. I got rid of all my body hair except my eyebrows. I bleached my teeth, which was incredibly painful. I fucking nared my legs i put on a cheap brute cologne i did tanning beds every day i looked insane i look like kojic when you uh when you got waxed like i mean that poor person man who who what was that did you go like a regular lovely Lovely, lovely Korean auntie. It's like my director's girlfriend's family spa.

And she was laughing. I'm going to post. We took video. So I'm going to post the video this week. Did you throw your legs over your head or you flip over? How does that work? Flip my legs behind, ankles behind the ears. No way. Shut up. I i said my body's your canvas

it was fucking brutal man i would never do it again out of everything you've done like that's how i mean you there's a visceral reaction here yeah yeah it's medieval torture oh it's excruciatingly painful. It's worse than the... So this is the season, again, we talked about this last time, this is the season where you're in the Chinese finger traps, right? And finally get to see this. No, that's the movie.

So we had a movie that was supposed to come out this year, then the world ends. It's coming out on Netflix next year. Yeah. I'll take the dick in the finger trap over getting waxed. Really? Almost getting stabbed at a barber shop. I'll take that over getting waxed. So these girls who just

do this weekly? Women are stronger than men. Women are fucking braver and stronger than men. They're not stronger. I could beat up most girls. I'm going to tell you. I'm just saying facts are facts. If it came down to a fight for life, I'm just saying facts are facts. If it came down to a fight

for life, I'm confident in my abilities against most. You get waxed and reassessed. I'm not saying it's because dinner wasn't ready. I'm just saying if it came down to... I'm just saying I can one punch you. That's it.

You were fucking dab dancing on a fucking razor blade. I know. Listen, get waxed and then we'll talk. You guys can wax your pubic hairs. I will two-piece you. And that's just facts. I'll do this. Get waxed and give anal birth.

And then we can find out who the fucker is. I actually got kicked out of health class in high school once because a teacher was trying to explain to men how much it hurts to give childbirth. And she's like, imagine trying to push a watermelon through a Cheerio. And I was like, why would that hurt me? And she's like, that's it. You're out of here. Get out of here, you rousy.

I understood what you were trying to say. I'm just trying to be an asshole. Thank you very much. In my asshole face for the last five years. I was bad at sex, dad. I was really bad at sex. Did you ever have to watch?

Did you have to watch the miracle of birth? Oh yeah. Dude, we were given the option. Like it was like the movie was paused and it's like everyone, you can leave for this part if you want it's really gross i was the only person who sat in class me and the health teacher just sat there watching a baby come out they made us they made us watch the r bud dwyer suicide

wow right after right after the miracle shut up they were like you want to see the miracle of death? And I was like, I'm in That video, man, there was a time early on the internet, I would use that gif and that picture extensively, like once, like a couple times a week, I would fire off that tweet

and it got to the point where people were like, you have to stop putting suicides on my timeline Okay, I suppose, I suppose On my myspace Are you, you give off the vibe you feel like an old school internet guy were you always like like in forums and fucking watching the world yeah chat rooms and shit i was on myspace ebombs world live journal linkedin what's what's the most fucked up thing you've seen on the internet Silk Road I ordered like opium off

the Silk Road one time smoked it out of a long ass pipe I was gonna say if you do opium you gotta have that that whole shebang yeah it was cool opium is like that's a that's a I feel like that's a classy drug

you think opium's classy? what's the word I mean I think of like Pe's a classy drug. You think opium's classy? Classy. What's the word? I mean, I think of like Peaky Blinders when he's doing – when he's smoking opium. I feel like it's very like – It's old school. Yeah, old school is a better – It's a classic.

It's British. Yeah, it's a classic drug. Classic. Old school. Wars. They fought two wars over opium. Yeah, that's right. It's just so good.

We'll fucking fight to the death for it. What is – what's like the worst thing you've seen on the Internet? And then what's the worst thing that you have like done on this this this season? What's the worst thing I've seen on the Internet? Yeah. Like old old school stuff. Like we're talking like tub girl. I mean, I mean, our Bud Dwyer is up there for sure. Don't be a pussy.

Come on. That's not it's in black and white. How bad can it be? Have you seen Mr. Hands? No, I can't do it anymore. If you're going to send me stuff footage, I'm going to vomit. I've seen fucking. Mr. Hands is wild because it's real. Mr. Hands.

You know Mr. Hands? No. It's a guy getting fucked by a horse. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's cool. And there's a whole story around it. Like there was a guy. There was a place. I think it's a guy getting fucked by a horse and oh yeah and there's a whole story around it like there was a guy there was a there's a place i think it's like yeah he died getting fucked by a horse oh really it will tear you up it will you will rearrange your guts but it's it's somewhere

in like the pacific northwest where it was just known throughout i don't know the internet like if you want to fuck animals you come to like this this farm and there was like this little underground there was an underground network of people fucking animals. And then the guy died. So the feds had to come in and shut it down. Like, all right, no more fucking animals. We got a death. That guy ruined it for everybody.

If Dennis Rodman has taught me anything, and this is literally what Dennis Rodman told us, if you want to find a donkey show in America, he'll find one for you. He's got them on deck. Yo, we interviewed Dennis Rodman. This was probably three, four'll find one for you. He's got them on deck. Yo, we interviewed Dennis Rodman, this was probably three, four years ago at this point. He sat down and the first question he asked,

he was just right away, he was just like, yo, you guys ever seen a chick get fucked by a horse? And we were like, uh, what's up, Dennis? No, no. I actually have online, but never in person. And he's like, yeah. He told me he kissed a dead girl on when i interviewed oh yeah i was like where at the funeral he was like

at the scene of the crime man i love it by the way this tub, has anybody actually ever taken a bath with the ranch bomb? It's just this green fucking film. Looks like a goddamn swamp. Oh, my God. Let me see. Let me see. It is vile, dude.

I mean, look at that thing. Oh, wow. Shit, man. That is fucking gross. Oh, man. That is fucking gross. Oh, man. I mean. It is horrifying.

You want to put your hand in there? Just hop in, bud. Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go, go. That is. Give it a touch. Is this. No, no, no, no. It's so green.

You got a nervous stomach, huh? Dude, you have no idea. We do this series here at Barstool where we got this guy who will get us like, you got to eat gross shit and do disgusting things. You'd actually really, at a time when maybe you can actually come to the office when the world goes back to normal, you would thrive in this game. This guy throws up everywhere. Where are you guys based?

We're in New York. Manhattan? Yeah. This is my New York. Next time you come through, you'll see several people. How is New York? Can you get around okay? It's fucking fine.

It's fine. Everybody who says it's anarchy and dead is just a baby. I mean, it's always been a nightmare there's almost people and junkies and scales everywhere it's like stop talking about my friends from high school uh we're gonna play a little game called answer the internet we launched the game here it's got these are all the darkest deepest grossest questions from the internet the darkest corners uh so we'll hit you with some hypotheticals here um what oh yeah so these are all the questions from our from our podcast over the last 10 years

and just also you know you know how there's certain questions that just arise from the internet you're like i don't know who came up with this but we all know them what is around your neck what is that the shrimp neck pillow shrimp shrimp? What am I? I'm such an idiot. This needs explaining. All right, here we go. Would you rather have a dog die every single time you laugh or every single time you fall in love, there's a genocide? Fall in love? Falling in love is less frequent than laughing. Yeah, but when you do it, there's, you know, fucking millions of people dead.

That's all right. The world's overpopulated. I'm in love. It's Valentine's Day, baby. I got a squirter, man. What do you want me to do? What is the fiercest animal you think you could take in a fight oh god i couldn't even i'm like scared of frogs you don't understand how much of a fucking suburban pussy i am oh my god a fucking ant any animal i'm like why i found a dead mouse in my in downstairs, and I, like, wept. Well, that's completely reasonable.

Mice terrify me. Has this been your whole life, or were you, like, attacked by animals at some point? I like dogs, and that's it. Every other animal can be extinct. So you're not weeping for the bees? No, everything needs to go away. Dogs, it's like that's the only animal that's at the stand. Can you still go to your barber if he is very racist?

Hmm. A little picture here for... All my barbers are black. I mean, that picture kind of sells it, yeah. For the conversation. For the story. I mean, that picture got a selfie. Yeah. For the conversation. Just for the story. For the story.

I'm doing the white power thing by accident. Just for the story. Barbers, I'm signaling to the potential barbers out there. All right, who wins in a fight in their prime, Michael Keaton or Jon Bon Jovi? Ooh, great one. I think Jon Bon Jovi? Great one. I think Jon Bon Jovi is actually a softie. I think Keaton could fucking tear his ass up.

You think so? Dude, Bon Jovi grew up in those fucking Jersey dive bars, though. I feel like he had to fight to be a rock star, you know? He looks like he, like, uses herbal essence. He does have hair you could kick. His ass could get kicked. Yeah. He's got that floppy, fluffy hair. Fe yeah feathery that's a great word for it uh he looks like he's gonna fucking he's all

all he's got to do is that one scene from batman you want to get nuts let's get nuts that's it yeah if someone texted you a picture oh i might have gotten michael keaton michael douglas mixed up answer me batman wall, all that shit. The Gordon Gekko and fucking Bruce Wayne are like the same person. Yeah, that's fine. Bruce Wayne is just Gordon Gekko with a violent hobby. Never forget Michael Douglas got cancer from eating his wife's pussy.

To me, that makes him talk. You know? What a thing to say. Yo, he got it. Catherine Zeta got it. Was's back. Catherine Zeta- He got it. Was it Catherine Zeta or him? She had HPV and he went down on her and got fucking cancer.

Oh my God. I've long thought. He was like on a, he was walking out onto a stage at the Oscars or Emmys or whatever the fuck it is. And like, I was like, every time this man walks in a room there should be uh like a town crier who announces like this man got cancer from eating pussy the sickest cancer you can get brother if if uh if someone texted you a picture of your dick with no context at all would you know that

it's your dick i'd like to think so but it'd be hard to say not a very distinguishable i think that's happened my dick is out there. Out in these streets. Would you rather never have any buffalo sauce on any food ever again, or you can only masturbate to pregnant porn? Whoa, that is chaos, that one. Well, I thought I masturbated to anyway, so. Call that one business as usual, my friend. See you later, buffalo. See you later, Buffalo. See you later, Buffalo.

Would you rather always be hard or never be able to get hard? Never be able to get hard. I've had enough sex. I'm done. I'm celibate. Oh, thank you. Mr. Tough Guy. I'm out. I'm with you. I'm done with sex. It's all over. It's all

over. Some girl comes comes over shaking that booty in your face, you're like get out of here we're watching the Sopranos, go to bed it's a lot of pressure are you dating Cardi B? if you were in an open field with an aluminum baseball bat how many 10 year olds wearing bike helmets

could you take down before they got to you? god I'd fucking light those motherfuckers. We got 100 bloodbath. Goddamn bloodbath, dude. Are you kidding me? I'd be the king. I'd be the king of town.

Would you hit him in the in the helmet or where would you go? Would you strike them? What would be your fucking center over the fucking wall, dude. Home runs. I'd be hitting home runs. Do you think that after the first, like, all right, you've got adrenaline as they come rushing at you, and then you start popping them.

Do you think that, like, as they're crying and bleeding, you would get soft? Do you think you'd be like, all wait a minute i would get stronger with here if you have a choice of a choice between a sum of money and world peace how much money does it take for you to pass on world peace oh i don't know once you get to like a hundred billion you can't what do you get by uh the 55th private jet like what else can you buy okay so you're at a hundred billion did you say million or billion 400 deck trillion the number number, look it up. World peace is like, ah.

I bet you world peace is one of those. The only world peace that's achievable is meta world peace. You know what I mean? All right. Shout out. Follow-up question. How much money do you have right now? On me? No, no, no, no.

What's your net worth? Liquid? Liquid? In the bank. Lock her off the books. I actually, I actually, you're going to're gonna take a push i actually don't know i would say i i should know that that's that's i'm gonna say i think i think that means about 300 bucks a week five grand five that's that's that's respectable did you when when the eric andre show started and you

and it was kind of just getting going were you paid we had steve-o on recently and he was talking about how little money they ever made were you paid not handsomely but properly from the get-go i was so so so broke when i sold the eric and Andre show and I started doing it that yeah, anything, any check was like, oh my fucking God, you're giving me like $1,000? Any amount of money, I'd be like,

what? Yeah, I don't know, but yeah, I bought a house. Steve-O was saying on the first season of Jackass, they would get paid $150 for regular stunts, $300 for life-threatening, but they only got paid if it made the final cut. If it didn't make the episode, they didn't get paid for it. That's fucked.

That's so fucked. That's brutal, man. That's brutal. Hopefully they paid more on the movies. The movies made $500 million. Yeah, I think the movies where they finally cashed in, they paid more on the movies. The movies made $500 million. Yeah. I think the movies where they finally cashed in, but during the show.

Yeah. Yeah. I hope, I hope that it was all worth, worth it. Once the movie. All right. Last question here,

Mary fuck kill, or I guess in this case, it's more just like rank these three, the hottest girl from your high school, the hottest teacher from your high school, or the hottest of your friends, moms. The hottest girl from the high school or the hottest of your friends moms the hottest girl from the high school was

hot there was no hot teachers at my school there was no really yeah so you would kill the so kill the there was one hot mom there was one hot mom are you marrying her are you fucking her oh fuck marry kill

I guess kill the teacher. I don't want to kill anybody. Well, that's all right. I'll marry them after I kill them. Kiss them like Dennis. Kind of a Dennis Rodman thing. So are you marrying the hottest girl from your high school or the hottest friend's mom?

The hottest girl from my high school was a schmuck. I'd probably marry the mom and then. She had her shit together. Her finances in order. Yeah, yeah. The mom's a safer bet. All right, dude. Thanks so much, as always.

The new season, season five of The Eric Andre Show. It's out Saturday night, October 25th. We appreciate it, man. Thanks, as always. I think it's Sunday night. Well, it's like Saturday midnight. I don't know what to do. Technically, Sunday morning.

October 25th at midnight, which is Monday morning. Oh, so it's – okay, so Sunday night into Monday. It's so dumb to have a show premiere at midnight, you jerk. The Eric Andre show – It's Tuesday, 11.59. Yeah. What's it say? Returns to Adult Swim Sunday, October 25th at midnight.

I don't know what that means, but I don't know. Sunday night, Monday morning. Okay. Okay. You got it, brother. Thanks, man. Thanks, Eric. Thank you, Monday morning. Okay. You got it, brother. Thanks, man. Thanks, Eric. Thank you, guys.

Love you. Love you, too. I always return a love you. Love you, too. Always return a love you. I don't give a fuck. You say love you to me, I'll say it back. All right.

Shout out to Eric. I mean, he's always one of our best interviews. He just doesn't give a fuck. He's crazy. He's a crazy person. I mean, he is so dedicated to the game. He's a very nerve-wracking interview because you're like, he's going to fuck with me. He's going to fuck with me. Yes. And then he's a very nerve wracking interview because you're like he's gonna fuck him he's gonna fuck him

yes and then he's just like a genuinely awesome dude right he actually I can't do content with Nick KB or Sass anymore but Eric Andre is like

I'm off the clock now I'm not being an asshole so I like that alright and Karen Feehan we'll wrap up with Karen she is a New York City comedian who just doesn't give a fuck and so in the interview we talk about how she stopped doing her OnlyFans,

where she was making like 30 grand a month because she was in love with this guy. And then like a day after the interview, she told me that they broke up. And then I saw her tweeting saying, how do I let all my new hot barstool boys, B-O-I, know that I'm single? So there you go, Karen. Anybody who wants to fuck a funny New York City comedian, go get Karen. Alright, so you were just saying that, yeah, so

we sent you to a dark alley to come to Barstool HQ. You put in Barstool headquarters on Uber and it drops you off in an alley. I didn't even know. Honestly, I would like it to just drop you off in Newark or something like that. I don't like having people having access to even the surrounding area up here.

Yeah, the fact that you can just put that in. Like, you said you wrote Barstool HQ or you knew the address. I wrote Barstool. Headquarters pops up, and they're like, Rape Alley, you're on your way. Seven-minute ETA.

I'll be honest. Right outside the actual building is not great either. It's usually just loaded with homeless people. Oh, this entire neighborhood is unreal. It's so bad. It's awful. And actually, today, I was walking to get lunch, and I was like, you know what?

I'm going to get this homeless guy some lunch today. Wow. And then. Idiot you are. I was like, well, then he's going to want it every other day. Yes. You can't do that. So he's just going to go hungry.

And then he's also like treating his tuna for like a $10 worth of like heroin or something. He ain't eating that lunch. No. But you can't then. They're like, it's like feeding the seagulls. Right. They'll just start to flock, something. He ain't eating that lunch. But you can't then. It's like feeding the seagulls. They'll just start to flock, man. You can't do that. It is an exceptionally

dehumanizing vision, but it also is exactly like... It's so true. I was like, that's exactly the thought that went through my head where I was just like, ah, fuck.

He's going to want it every day now, though. I've been here my whole life and seen all the homeless, but seeing them, I mean, they're like needles and everything. Even I'm like...

No, they're full-on zombies. They can't get organized, but they are full-on. They can't pick a leader. It's because they're all walking in circles. We do have a little shantytown down there, they'll call it, and I feel like they should just elect a mayor. Just find the Irish guy who's got his shit together

the most and let him give speeches. This homeless guy, I live in Chinatown because I'm a genius. I don't think I've ever known someone. I've never heard that sentence ever uttered. I live in Chinatown. I moved there in February. I'm like, this will be great.

Literally the dumbest decision. Nice to meet you. I'm Karen Fian. I'm going to put my ponytail up really tight. Try and blend in, okay? This homeless guy, though, he comes. I walk up and he comes to just sort of enter my building with me. I live in a walk-up, not an elevator building. And I just go to open my door and he's just right there.

And he's like, well, I guess we're going in. I'm like, what? No, we're not. See, I like that you stopped him because if that guy was me, with me. Right. You're like, tune it this way, buddy. Guess who's got a new roommate, baby. Dinner for two.

Come on, let's sit down. Do you like bagel bites? That happened to me one time at my old apartment. Some kid lived in the building and I saw him when he was moving in or whatever, and he knew where I lived. And so after a Patriots football game, he comes and knocks on my door, and he hands me a note, and it's a note that just says, fuck you or something like that.

Like, fuck you, go Bills. And I was like, oh, cool, man. Like, thanks. He's like, yo. He was drunk as shit. He's like, yo, man, do you mind if I come in for just a little bit just to talk about the game? And I actually like, oh, cool, man. Like, thanks. He's like, yo. He was drunk as shit. He's like, yo, man, do you mind if I, like, come in for, like, just for a little bit, just to talk about the game? And I actually said no, and it's one of the bravest things I've ever done in my life.

I made up a lie that I was going to dinner or something like that. This kid would sit there and watch a game with a stranger for hours on end. I'm surprised he said no. Oh, that's right. The game was on. He wanted to watch the game. Yeah. I kind of want your insight, but.

He seemed like he would give a but... I was so close. I luckily had dinner plans later in the night, so I was like, oh, I'll just pretend those are now. Right. But if I didn't have that, I would have had no idea what to say. If it wasn't, at least in the forefront, like, I do have to go to dinner later, I would have been...

That guy would have lived with me. I hailed what I thought was a cab once, and it was just three Mexican guys. And I get back to my apartment. I'm in a full-on blackout, mind you. And I'm like, you guys should totally come in. Let's smoke a bowl. It's crazy I wasn't raped.

I don't know what I did in my past life. That's how white women die. To deserve it. Yeah, I'm like, you guys want to have machetes, right? Come on. Get in here. No weapons visible. Good enough for me.

When was that? That is nuts. I don't know. Probably a long time ago, like eight years ago or something. When I was partying really hard. Not anymore? No. So it's over now?

I haven't had a drink in over two and a half years. Really? My record is two and a half years, though. We're right on the edge. We'll see which is going to go one way or the other. Is that? Are you? So are you like? High right on the edge. We'll see which is going to go one way or the other. Is that, are you, so are you like. Hi, right now, yeah. I still smoke weed.

Yeah. This has got to have something. It's a question I've only started asking recently because I had a friend get sober and he's like, yeah, I'm not going to do it forever though. Like, is this, is this forever? I mean, mine really should be. I keep trying to make it forever. Like, that's always the goal. And then something happens.

See, I almost think his way is more logical, where he's like, I'm just gonna do it for a bit, and then... Yeah, sure. I'm like, oh, let me go back to responsibly drinking, but responsibly drinking is like shots of tequila at 9am. I'm like, who am I responsible for? Not myself or my job. I worked

at Paramount Network and I had a mini relapse while I was working there. I don't know how I even got away with it. I would just be hammered. I don't know. When you're pitching social media ideas, I'm not just better if you drop it.

The sober ones sound crazier. You guys are boring. We pee a bit. I saw you grab this. I have a tattoo that says don't serve me on my arm. And I talk about it in my act. I'm like, it's okay.

Bartenders can't read cursive. But it is a good reminder. Why do I? Oh, right, right. Too late as you're drinking. Okay, yeah. Oh, yeah. That thing I you're drinking. What? Okay, yeah. Oh, yeah. That thing I do.

Yeah. So you guys, you're tight with the Barstool Breakfast crew. Love those guys. I see you on there very often. I love them so much. Who's your favorite? Don't say, oh my gosh. Yeah.

Willie. No. Marry, fuck, kill. No. We'll do large Willie Pat. That's so hard. Like, Pat's like my like my original you know like heart

so you gotta fuck him and he I'm like if I can't turn that motherfucker I'm not worth it I feel like you could I feel like Pat

he's crazy enough maybe not turn him but he'd be like oh fuck yeah I know like Pat have you ever seen an in ground pool I really make it

worth your while. So what am I doing? I'm fucking Pat. Are you? You're going to fuck Pat. Okay. Yeah.

I mean, wait. He's going to kill. Tough spot for one of the straight guys. I'm afraid of... I'll tell you what. If you're a straight

guy who's going to marry, fuck, kill, and you're not getting fucked or married, that's tough. Two straights and a gay and one of you is getting killed? Wow. I don't want to upset either

of their wives, to be honest. I'm sure it'll be just fine. Well, I can't speak for Willie's wife. Saint Anne's not getting upset one way or the other. You could have fucked large and Saint Anne would be like, I am a bride. She'd be like, you can have him. She'd be like, are you sure?

I don't want to kill him, though. And I feel like I can't kill Willie. Like, that's just a bad look these times. White woman kills NFL player. I was going to say, if Karen moved. It was going to be a tough fight for you. But you're just like, no, I don't want the internet to get mad. I'll take him.

I know. So we'll have to kill Large, and I'll marry Willie. Marry Willie. So now you went from, you know, potentially being a murderous character to very progressive. I'll tell you what, Large is not going to take it well that he got killed for affirmative action. So he didn't get fucked over a gay guy. A gay and a black guy is the reason why he ends up dead. Large is going to be furious.

Not too happy. If anyone in the company would get mad, Large. But yeah, you go on with them pretty frequently and just let it fly. That's what I like about you. You talk about fucking anything. I know. For better or worse. It's a downfall.

I mean, it can be a problem in my personal life. Oh, see? I like leave podcasts sometimes and I'm like, don't even look at your phone. Just don't even look at it. You're in so much trouble. So much trouble. And I remember I used to play this card and I used to be able to play this card where I'd be like, it's for entertainment, or it's just a character.

And then eventually it was like, no, it's not. You're just yourself when you're on these podcasts. I know it. You're fucking lying, and you're an asshole. I'm like, I have a BA in acting. Don't you know about a persona? Right. It's like, no, you are very clearly being your absolute truest self.

You're just a dick. You're just a bitch. You're kind of a slut, it sounds like. Why am I dating you? Get out. So your significant others, do you have a current one?

Yes. Do they listen to you like a lot of your stuff? I cannot really, he's great because he's not so like, you know, listening all the time.

Thank God. The recipe is so easy. Just don't listen to what I do. But does he, is it, not really he's great because he's not so like you know listening all the time thank god that's the recipe is so easy just don't listen to what i do yeah but does he is it just because he does not listen to uh comedy and podcasts or is it because he's like okay i i ordinarily would but i'm going to not because like it will make it awkward for us because there's two if you just don't listen that's the best yeah if you're not listening because you either said not to or you're asking not to then it just sits there like, go listen, go listen, go listen. We're sort of in those tough

times. We go through it. There's periods where I think things... The problem is sometimes people's friends will listen and then report back. Mother! Mother! They're the worst people on the world! Listen, if you snitch on a content

creator in this day and age, you are a motherfucker. What do you get? What do you poise to gain out of that? Nothing. What are you getting out of that? It's like you just walk in with a stick of dynamite and you just fucking blow up that relationship. I know. It's like, later. Yeah.

I'm just like, yeah. It's sickening. Yeah. Don't be that person. It's like, it's one thing if you're reporting back something that is a break-up-able offense. Right, right. Because then it's like, you know, I need to tell you this, and then maybe you move on. Yeah, it's like Karen's persona was actually giving someone a blowjob today. Like, I would be like, okay, it caught me. If I was on the podcast saying, yeah, so I was fucking this chick

in the Barstow HQ alley, it was a surprise to her. And you wanted to go tell my girlfriend that. That's fair. And even then I'd say, just mind your fucking business, but I'd understand it. But if it's just like,

did you hear that Kevin said some unsavory shit or talked about his past or made a joke about you? All that's going to do is piss her off. Now we're going to get in a fight all night. Our week's ruined. And you just go back about your merry fucking way. If you're going to do that, you should at least have to be in the room. You have to move in for the week.

And you have to sit and soak in that too, motherfucker. Pick your side. We're going to fight it out. God, that is the worst. That's so funny. And I mean, we all do it. Your friends bitch to fight it out. God, that is the worst. That's so funny. That's like the same. And I mean, we all do it. Like your friends bitch to you about their personal lives, about their relationships specifically.

But I always tell my friends like the worst stuff. And that's what I dump on them. And I feel like anybody who's ever been in a relationship, you know that things behind closed doors are way different than like what you like project or like need to unload on your friends from time to time. Like if you're actually meddling in other people's relationship, I just fucking hate that.

I'll never tell anybody to dump a girl, unless they're physically abusing you and I can see the scars. I want to put my fingers in the scars. And then I'll maybe make a phone call. Other than that, I'll listen to your shit. I have known, let's just say, I have known a couple where one person was cheating. Is that good?

It's not open? Yeah, okay. That wasn't good feel. Yeah, you're good. That one's not roofied. The other ones were, you chose the right one. Damn it. I've known a relationship where someone was cheating, and it was very well known, and one person finally decided to speak up and the person was kind of like

I know like shut the fuck up kind of like you know like I it's not great but I was like I don't want to leave them and I'm going to just deal with it and now that you know and it's out in the open now it's awkward because now I look like a pussy or a pushover and it's like just don't you never know you know

you don't know what dynamics work for people behind closed doors. So just stay the fuck out of it. Get your own boyfriend. Get your own boyfriend. But you dump your problems on friends? I try not to so much, but yeah, I think everybody unloads once in a while. You got to vent a little bit. No, you don't.

Well, again, he's a complete emotional. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never had an abortion in my life. I'll bottle it up today. I know. I know. We really are very bad at it. You go to therapy, but like.

I just lie to my parents. And then you pop off and like snap a cat in half. Or you like do something crazy. You throw a glass in a fucking glass cabinet. Break a cabinet. Yeah. Totally hypothetically. But like, I just think because I tell my friends, I'm like, don't tell me your things.

Like, I have friends and relationships. I don't want to hear fucking shit because I'm just going to start hating them. Or like, just let me be with them. I'll judge them on how they're with me. Yeah. Well, yeah. And that's if you all hang out. That's your fucking problem.

That's when you hang out. I mean, if it's like, I don't even know that person. You can vent to me. But yeah, I am going to like hate them. So then don't turn around and expect me to be like, oh, your boyfriend or girlfriend is awesome. It's like everything you told me was bad. But the thing is, nobody ever calls up and is like, you know what? You know what Karen did today?

It was great. She gave me head and cooked me dinner. And it was amazing. I know. No one's ever doing that. I'm expecting my friend's mid-orgasm. He's doing it again. I'm texting my friends mid-orgasm. He's doing it again. Bam. Never happens.

But we are like the official OnlyFans podcast here at Barstool. We are big supporters of the movement. No, I know. I caught your – I loved what you said about OnlyFans. It was great. Have you seen there's a pastor doing it, this clergywoman? Oh, yes. What is she doing on it?

I don't know the full – I'm sure you know better than I do, but we did it on the rundown. I just found that fascinating. No, no, no, that was different. That was a Colombian judge who was posting, we did them together, the same topic. The Colombian judge was posing in lingerie

on Instagram. And what's the pastor doing, just sex? Yeah, she's never felt closer to God than when she's cumming. I believe that was her comment. Those are some fucking orgasms, man. You are cumming. I love it. Chicks get the best fucking orgasm, man.

It's not fair. They do. They really do. Oh, shut up with your ropes of glory. You fucking freak. No, I do have to imagine that when we're firing ropes of glory, we probably must have the better individual orgasm,

like quantity over quality. Or quality over quantity. They can keep going, but I feel like when we blast off, it's got to be better, or then we're really getting the short end of the stick. I don't know. I mean, these bitches are wobbling. Yeah, I've never fucking laid there shaking before.

I've never fucking had a goddamn seizure like Scytheria. That shit would have them fucking. I would watch that girl have six fucking exorcisms in a ten minute span. That's never happened to me. You do it right and there's an exorcism. It's like, all right, settle down. Jesus. How good could it possibly feel?

I know I'm not that good. But I thought because we could only do it once that we probably have the better moment. But I don't know. No, our moments are split second. I wish we could switch for like a day. I wish we could just know what the other person experiences. What would you do if you were a guy for a day? I don't know, some homeless weird

shit. Some what? I'm like, if I could just come at any point, I mean, I'd feel like I'd just be leaving little deposits all over town. If you had like a dick that you could just come on stuff, I don't know why. I'm just like, immediately, I'm like, how can I graffiti? Now it didn't have to be sexual, but you're going with it. But don't know why. I just immediately, I'm like, how can I graffiti? Now it didn't have to be sexual, but you're going with it.

But yes, it does. Whenever you ask that question, it's really opposite sexuality. I'm going to have a pussy for a day and just fucking not fuck it? Maybe have to stick a tampon in it? There's no fun in that. Wouldn't that suck if you did like a Freaky Friday, you switched into a girl and it was when she had her period? Like, well, this is

bad timing. We can still have orgasms when we have our period. Yeah, but it's not as fun. I mean, I guess you can do all of it. It's just not. It's going to be a catastrophe. Yeah, it can be a little messier. You got to text to the room up.

I guess we have tie-dye sheets now. But you dabbled in the OnlyFans world, right? I did. I had a good time. How far, how extreme do we go here? I mean, I was getting pretty dirty in messages. I had some, like, OnlyFans sucks a little bit because of the leaks. It's like a problem.

Like what, screen recordings and things like that? Yeah. There's just no way to stop that, right? Yeah, there's no way. Like, you sign your life. It's like making a deal with the devil. There's pros and cons. Like, the money was just so much fun. I mean, I could have had the worst summer, and I was having the best summer. It's like making a deal with the devil. There's pros and cons. The money was just so much fun.

I could have had the worst summer and I was having the best summer. It was this past summer? Yeah. We just had summer, right? Yeah. I don't know really, but I'm pretty sure. Right, because everybody's underground. I'm in the Hamptons every other weekend. I'm doing vacations. I come from the

you're not going to have money when you're dead type of mentality. Spend it. Can't take it with you. So I just really blew a lot of. And then it is, I think, unfortunately, I mean, depending on the relationship, I think it's more of a single girl's game. Yeah. So you were in a relationship while doing it? No, I wasn't. But then I reconnected with my ex and he found out about it and wasn't thrilled.

So I stopped. Were you going face out and everything on OnlyFans? Yeah. What's the point? I'm the novelty. I'm the moneymaker, okay? I'm not making that catch out. I mean, I tried to make him funny.

Sometimes I would just fall asleep. What? Like you'd go live and just fall asleep? No, I'd make a video and messages. Maybe I was playing with my vibrator. And I'm like, nap time. Don't you nap after? Doesn't everybody feel tired?

Only when I'm hungover. Only when I'm hungover. And I just nap with my hands still on my dick and wake up. I'm like, all right, we keep going. But people didn't like me because I didn't answer messages. Yeah, you got to be really committed. Yeah, I wasn't doing that. How much did you charge?

It was only $20 a month, but I charged a lot more answer messages. Yeah, you got to be really committed. Yeah, I wasn't doing that. How much did you charge? It was only 20 bucks a month, but I charged a lot more in messages. That, to me, would probably be my biggest problem. Well, there's a lot of problems with this, but I'd be like, I don't know. I'm worth like a buck 75. Right, right. I'm not really worth this money. Well, I wouldn't post full nudes on just the page itself. That's where they fucking get you.

That's a fucking racket. That's where they fucking get you. That's a fucking racket. That's where they get you. I would post, like, boobs or, like, topless stuff. That doesn't count. Tits in the year 2020, it's like, please. Give up on it. No, seriously. I've said tits.

If somebody sends a tit. If it's tits, if it's your ass, cheek, post it on Facebook. Your mom can see that shit. It's asshole or bust. That's it. I have to see your organs that's you know

the only thing that turned me on you know when you went to the museum of science as a kid and you saw the inside of a person that's what turns me on now I mean vaginas are so incredible though

like the vascular system gets me going they can be well the thing about there's so there's such snowflakes you know they're so different

so individual so individual you have like conch shells they're giving a high five Well, the thing about, there's such snowflakes. They're so different. So individual, yeah. So individual. You have conch shells that look like they're giving a high five on one side. It looks like a rooster neck. You know what I mean? Yeah. And there's girls with pitcher mound vaginas where you're like, you could put a little reenactment with figurines on your hump of a vagina.

Like Homer Simpson's butt? That hump is... Yeah. How do we feel about the hump? You could golf all day. I could name the porn stars with the vaginas you're talking about. That's how

deep you are. We go deep in the game here. The first one was Christy Mack, the second was Phoenix Murray. The mound is definitely... It can be a turn on to a point and then eventually it's like, that's a mountain peak. That's huge.

But they're beautiful. They're all beautiful. We were talking about Cardi B's nipples yesterday. Oh, those things are catastrophe. Do you see those? Are they too dark for you? No, I'm into them. I like the sexual organs to be memorable.

Okay. And these are memorable. Because they look like splattered brown eggs. Because they are. These are. Just like. They look like splattered brown eggs. Yeah. I said she's got titties. Her titties are sunny side up. We said they look like a Christopher Columbus map.

Like a cartographer made her tits. I forget. Oh, it looks like one of the guys from. Wow. Those are enormous. Enormous. She's all areola. Huge.

I mean, it takes up the whole thing. That's like. That's like. That's huge. It's the size of a dinner plate. It looks like the monster from Monsters, Inc. And her boobs are fake, right? Yeah. She's kind of sliding to the side like that.

Yeah. Her areola surface area is bigger than my actual breast. I said it looks like Jupiter when you zoom in like that. It looks like a planet. It's got the curve and there's the big red spot. She should sell stickers. People should get these tattooed on them. Imagine looks like a planet. It's got the curve and there's the big red spot. She should sell stickers. People should get these tattooed on them. Imagine if you just have Cardi's tits.

See, that's the business woman in you. Yeah, like pasties. Sell her things of pasties. If you're going to have giant dinner plate areolas, so are you. Like the sable style? Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Stickies that you put on and now you look like Cardi?

Yeah. Shit. Why not? So you better marry this guy if you're giving up that cash, no? Or I guess you could always just jump back in once he's gone. You'd think, right? But this is depreciating value. But no, I do.

I love him. Oh, okay. All right. Well, then that's good. So you get back with the ex and you think this time is going to stick? I hope so. What if you wanted to do quick comedy? Better.

What? What if you wanted to do quick comedy? I would never do quick comedy. No. And you wouldn't be in love with someone. You'd just start doing stand-up in the living room. This is what you wanted, babe. I'll make you laugh all day.

Yeah, he would never ask me to do that. I hope. Yeah. I mean, again, if someone asks you to do that. My job was a problem in my last relationship. And it was like, I don't, like, hold it against her, but it was like, all right, this is just not going to be a thing. It's not going to be compatible.

Tried to make it fit. It was kind of like square peg, round hole. It just doesn't work that way. That's hard sometimes when, like, the love is there, like, the attraction is there, but, like, your life aren't, like. That's one of the most tragic things in the world. It's just, like, everything else adds up, but not this one thing that kind of ruins it.

Oh, I disagree again. I think this is like... Are you in a relationship? I am, yeah. Poor, poor girl. You're right. It's like the Bly Manor thing where it's just like, well, you're just... Well, okay, that's a little different.

It's a TV show we're out right now we're talking about. It's a Netflix show. They're engaged to be married and eventually she realizes she's coming out of the closet, and she's just like, I'm gay, and he gets mad at her over it. And I was saying, you'd be hurt, and like, oh, that sucks. I thought we were getting married, but I don't think I could be mad. He's like, fuck you. It's like, well, I don't know.

Sorry, I like pussy. Yeah, but there's something I think that happens to a man maybe when that – because that happened to my uncle. My uncle married a woman, and I think a year or two later, she was like, I'm a lesbian. She had a flat top, like Arsenio Hall style. Oh, she really went into the bit, huh? She didn't have that when they got married. No.

She just wanted out of this marriage. I'll get a flat top to prove them. You're laying on a little thick, all right? When did Auntie Claire turn into a kid in play? This is so... She's white. This is so weird. But it fucked him up.

He's dead. He just turned into an obese alcoholic. He died in a trailer in Florida. That's crazy depressing. Sorry. It has something to do with the male ego or something. Yeah, for sure. We got a guy here who turned seven girls.

What? Seven. He's had sex with seven girls. Where's his cubicle? Magic answer. Yeah, he said he had sex with seven girls. I mean, but then does he just have a rugby team following him around?

What big deal? Who wants a bunch of bulldogs? Just kidding. No, he turned them the other way. Oh, wait. So they were straight or they weren't out of the closet yet Just kidding. No, he turned them the other way. Oh, wait. So they were straight or they weren't out of the closet yet. Right. And then they had sex with him and they're like, you know what? I think it's vagina for me.

Really? Yeah. Oh. I thought you went the complete other way. I had it happen once, but seven times is unheard of. A girl. And what did she say? She's like, I'm a lesbian.

She's just like, I'm gay. I was like, I had a feeling. Yeah. she say she's like she's just like i'm gay i was like yeah i had a feeling yeah i would rather that though than someone break up with me and be like uh i'm dumping you because i don't like who you are it's like oh you don't like anything any of us right that's a lot less of an ego shot it but right i mean i think of it as it would save your ego but i understand the other side of it where it's like your dick game is so trash i'd rather just be in the vagina but I think of it as like I was like the

straw that broke the camel's back it would be hard to be that I've been it it's not that hard it's kind of funny I joke about it on a podcast I've also was like the next day in high school being like yo guess what she's a lesbian that was me who showed her the light

but it's like, I don't know. When you don't have pride or an ego to begin with, you can't really hurt it. My dick was like a thumb. So, I guess,

thumbs up. Have a good day. She said her new girlfriend's clit's bigger. Oh, hi. I went to theater college, so I hooked up with these two different guys like separate times.

And then there was one night where the three of us were all, like, drunk at a party. And I thought, like, the three of us were going to go back together. And the two of them shut the door in my face. No. I'm like, wait, really? I'm out? I'm the most important one here. I'm all the holes.

What are you going to do? What are you guys going to do? Are you guys going home to choreograph again? You should sell a t-shirt that says Karen Peehan, I'm the holes. I'm the holes.

That was hard, though. What college did you go to? Marymount Manhattan College. That's tough when you think you're about to get double teamed and you get zero teamed. I know. There's nothing. I remember just standing there like, oh, man, this has never happened to me before. Do I go find a girl?

What do I do? I tried to be a lesbian. I tried so hard to be a lesbian. And I used to make out with this girl. We would get wasted. I went back to her place once, and I was literally like centimeters away from fingering her. And I looked at her and I'm like, why are we doing this? Nobody's watching us. We're not even getting paid.

We're not even getting attention. No one's watching us. It made sense out at the bar. It made sense at the frat party. I imagine there wasn't a frat party at a theater college. But like, it made sense wherever the fuck we were. In your room. And again, the OnlyFans, that would be good business.

OnlyFans. I have these people that tell me that there's Russian oligarchs that are all up in OnlyFans that are really money laundering. There's a lot of conspiracy theories. I can see that. It's like any time there's a new way to make and move money that there's going to be some grimy people on it using it for... That would be funny if Russian oligarchs switched from Monet paintings

over to OnlyFans as a way to launder their money. It kind of makes sense, though. If you're a drug dealer and it's like, I don't know, subscribe to my OnlyFans, and then you can get... You know what I mean? Yeah. Huh.

Imagine that. The feds are looking at this. It's like, this OnlyFans sucks, and it's making so much money. This chick doesn't even fucking show her asshole. It's just tits. And she's charging a thousand dollars a month. What's going on here?

I know. I like this idea. And this Russian dude fucking loves it. He could not get enough of this chick's side boob. You can go watch that slideshow on Bleacher Report but it's only fucking just a bunch of side titties. Side food montage.

I mean, that was what Bleacher Report was back in the day. It was like, here's the 40 hottest wag side food. Grow up. Were you a OnlyFans user, not just a creator? No, no. I used to just post pictures of my ass on Instagram, and people would comment, you should start an OnlyFans. I'm like, you should tell me what that is. I had no idea.

And then I like started it and like just like posted a few pictures and the next thing, like every time I would do radio or anything, I would get a bunch of subs. But then the messages start like, when are you actually going to do shit? And I was like, you guys don't want to watch me play this recorder? David Tell does it. Why can't I? Can't I just crochet? Yeah, no wonder she's on breakfast every fucking week.

You guys got any availability? I'll come in again. I'll come in again. Let me get a spot. Let me get some subs. Calling them subs. It's subscribers. It makes perfect sense, but it also makes you sound like a dominatrix.

Yeah. I mean, guys like that are my favorite type of guys. I love guys that will do editing for you for nothing. You got like an army of simps. I could see you having that. Yeah, and they're not talented or smart. I love them. And they're

listening and they're like, that's me. They're coming to that. The more you shit on them, they're like, tell me you own me. I'm like, I own you and I will never come to Dakota. Either one of them. Up or the down. The down Dakota. Nope, not happening. Make me a TikTok video.

Goodbye. I can't figure it out. Take my fucking clips and put them on TikTok because I'm not doing it. I'm going to make another stupid cooking video. Yeah, you're always cooking and dancing. I see that.

Cooking, dancing. I play by no rules. Fast and loose on the internet. What am I feeling like doing today? I'm putting on underpants and doing my dancing. I couldn't tell. I don't want to be rude here, but I couldn't tell watching the dancing videos. It's like, are these real?

Is this a joke or is this real? She's great about being a comedian. She's being funny. That's not epilepsy. She's just joking around with her shoulders again. Those videos are so hard I mean his name is Mike Peel and I do a different one I try to every week

and I really feel like his goal is to make white people feel like they can dance and I just try really hard it's so hard it's like peace in the middle east and making white people think they can dance none of the dances start with this none of them

my arms just do that. Automatically. I automatically find myself snapping. And I'm like, why am I? This isn't what he does. I don't look like this at all. It's so hard. But you kind of can move.

I do, all right. Like for an average, maybe not like a choreographed dance, but if you're at like a wedding and you were dancing, you'd be like, okay, that girl can dance. I do, okay. Yes. I'm learning these like a half an hour before I post them, mind you. I've learned them like that. Some of these chicks, I see these reels

and I'm like, wow, they've been practicing for a while. Not me. I try to put it out there like, look, even if you're kind of dumb. The attainable girl. Exactly girl let's lower the bar together that's how I do it too I don't do a lot of studying cause then like I don't know I need an excuse

for when I don't do good well I didn't even try no wonder I fucking sucked if you don't try your hardest you can't really fail yeah the people who are fucking studying studying and trying, they're fucking cowards. Because they're not leaving themselves a safety net. They're like, I need to fucking really work hard at this, so I really do it. Shut up, you fucking pussy.

Just try and see what happens. Wing it, you pussy. See what happens. Study for that test, you little bitch. Yeah, you got an 85 and you studied all week I got a 65 and I didn't try at all

which one's better fucking yeah I just knew this shit I didn't go to class either this is just like I just showed up and took this test I mean when you just

regurgitate knowledge like that though a lot of times it does leave your brain it's not even smart it's not even intelligence yeah man come on I need some real life experience.

Those people who study are cowards. That's fucking funny. So you are doing the comedy thing. Yeah. It's been fun. It's been wild. It's been weird. Yeah.

How long have you been doing it? Comedy? Like eight years. Like a long time. Yeah. How old are you now? I'm not supposed to ask that, but whatever. I'm 37.

But some people start when they're like fucking 12 years old. like a long time yeah how old are you now? I'm not supposed to ask that but whatever I'm 37 so but like you know some people start when they're like fucking 12 years old I was on stage I mean I don't really consider when I was blacking out and doing open mics

me doing comedy right you know what I mean and neither did the audience nobody did I used to get my hair pulled all the time what?

I would get loaded at happy hour open mics. One time the host just pulled me by the ponytail out of the establishment. Because comics would go up and I'd be like, you stink! See, that's funny. I'm picturing the literal Bugs Bunny umbrella. The cane. I used to get in a lot of trouble. I burned a lot of bridges before they were built.

So now that you're doing it for real, are there people who are like, I remember you. Fuck you. I feel like if there's any world where people would get it, be like, yeah, I was a fucking drunk. Sorry, I'm not anymore. It would be like comedy.

I mean, there's a lot of us, luckily, that, you know, have ups and downs. I feel like everyone we've had in during quarantine is sober. We've had a lot of them. Really? A lot of comedians. Well, no, not the RU Garbage guys, but like Rosebud. But there's a lot of them are in there openly, like, yeah. Yeah, Rosebud's been sober forever.

Yeah. Like, real deal sober too like she doesn't smoke weed or anything oh really she said she's about to relapse with the youth outside her building

is she really yeah her and Andy I'm like she'll take a jewel to the face but she I don't think she smokes weed she has a jewel

hanging out of her lip I can't imagine you know you need something in your life yeah take the edge off yeah

right yeah no I'm aware. Huge edge. There's no edge. The whole thing is just one gigantic edge. Yeah, I mean, it's like, I try not to smoke cigarettes either, but when you're...

I host a lot, so when you're there for the whole show, it's like, you need a break, whatever it is, go outside. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore, but I got my little one hitter everywhere I go. So just a little tuck. Once I leave here, because this is the only place I need to be. I don't know.

This is my place of work. Once I leave here, it's just vice, vice, vice, vice, vice, vice, vice, vice, bed, wake up, work. And by the way, work is just a giant vice too. Yeah, it's true. It's all vice. Like, I go home, and I cook dinner, and then I have a glass of wine with that, and then I probably have another two glasses of wine. Speaking of reels, make a reel out of that.

And then I start eating ice cream, and then I just go frozen Sour Patch Kids. These are all vices, too. Then I smoke some. Oh, I know. This is the vice, vice, vice, vice, vice, vice. If you don't think the vices are coming yet. All the sugar, all that. Then I smoke some... Oh, I know. This is the vice, vice, vice, vice, vice. If you don't think the vices are coming yet. All the sugar, all that. Then I smoke some weed.

Then I have a glass of whiskey. Then I go to bed. Wake up. Bam. Here we go. Wow. Vice, vice, vice, vice, vice. Love it.

I just feel like your shits must be violent. No, they're non-existent. He doesn't shit. It's the exact opposite. Never. It's coming out of your porch. I think I shit last on Tuesday. Oh, my God.

Like my mom. Yeah. We're going on vacation. I am not going to shit for four days. You know what's shit? Getting to bed. He's like, I think you're filled with shit. I think it's like he stores it.

Learning's for cowards. I'm never going to poop. Because who told you you had to shit? A fucking teacher? A scientist? Fuck off. You don't know anything. I'll fill these out myself.

I'm going to jump off this cliff. Sans parachute, motherfucker. I told my mom this, by the way. She's like, oh, you wouldn't get along with your father. Three times a day, like minimum. I mean, my dad shits like 15 times as much as you do. Like for every one of your shits, he'll shit 15 times. It's insane.

Are your not regular shits regular? Meaning do you have like a Wednesday done? I don't know. This is just play by ear, baby. Wow. It's by the seat of my pants. We'll see when it comes out. Can you guys actually stop talking about it?

No, I'm fine talking about it. No, he's despicable. Don't worry. Yeah. He's by the seat of my pants. And he's like, can you guys actually stop talking about it? No, I'm fine talking about it. No, he's despicable. Don't worry. Yeah. He has no pride. He's our dumpster baby. It's fine. I love pooping.

Yeah. Yeah, that's your jam? I mean, it's one of them. It's so great. It is fun. I'd like to do it more. I don't. I would rather be like you.

Why? Really? I mean, why? What's to like? It just gets skinnier right away. I have to burn the calories and push them out. We did a segment yesterday. This chick got caught by her boyfriend.

Oh, my God. She takes usually her socks, but I guess she ran out and was using his, and puts it on like a sock mitten and uses that to wipe her ass. That's hilarious. And then puts it in a plastic bag, and I guess sometimes does the laundry, just cleans them. Sometimes in the show.

She had thrown them out and because it was his socks, he kind of was like, so he basically opened the drawer, didn't have socks. And he was like, where are my socks? And she was like, I wasn't using them to shit. I don't know what you're talking about. And ran out of the house.

That was how much she gave it up. And he was like, whoa, what do you mean? And now they're whole relations. Isn't that weird? Yes. It was exactly like that. Wow. I mean, I get why you want to be able to put something over your finger and get in there.

Well, so her thing. Oh, you go in? I saw you doing this thing, too. You go in like a scoop move? I think it was more that I had like if I was doing a sock, a poop sock, I would probably like scoop in there. You'd end up with a doggy bag? Yeah, pop it inside out and just da-da-da.

Well, this girl's point was like wiping with toilet paper is kind of precarious. You might get your fingers on it. I was kind of like, never happens to me. I know how to do this. Right. But I guess it's safer to have a sock mitten. I mean, wouldn't he notice her going to the bathroom? She's like, are you in my sock drawer again?

Yeah. I don't know. What do you think? No. I think it's so funny. So I can't wait for like the Broadway musical Shit Socks on Ice or whatever. It's a shitty sock parade. Why are they British?

Why not? Put your knickers in your shit socks on. Let's go. I love this girl. I think she's so funny. Let's go. I love this girl. She's so funny. It was funny. You go on Reddit. You are one on the feet.

That is disgusting. Don't soil them on my feet. They must fucking stink down there. For Christ's sake, my shite socks in the wash again. I guess I'll have to use my thumb. What are we doing? I love that girl. The dress stocks have more of an attitude about it.

Where the fuck do you think I'm going? But everybody likes that, though. Like a warm cloth in there once in a while. I don't. I don't like. I don't like. Wait, cloths? Like a face cloth.

I think you're going wet naps. No, not for me. Don't care for it. No. No. Yeah, but we should. Again, we talked about this the other day, too. Like, you know, we probably should use something that's wet and cleans better than just dry ass paper towel.

I mean, I love a tiny, tiny little itch down there. Like, you know when the inside of your ear is like a little itchy and you get it with the Q-tip? Yeah, when you get it, it is good. Yeah, you get it. If you can't get it, it's a hemorrhoid. Right? I don't have much experience in the hemorrhoid game.

I don't either. I don't think. I think one time I did. Really? I feel like that's something you need to know or you don't know. Yeah, yeah. How do you think it? Oh, I don't know.

Well, Google it for me. One of my simps. Can you tell me if I've – can you guys tell me if I've had hemorrhoids? There's some simp who's like, boy, today's request is a lot. I like it better when I'm making her TikTok videos of her dancing naked. But I will Google the hemorrhoids. I'll let you know. Simp headquarters.

We're on hemorrhoid duty today, guys. Figure it out. Did you have like a legion of simps who were very sad when you stopped your OnlyFans? Yeah. I bet. I fucking bet. What about today? You want to come back? Maybe. They wake up

every morning. Today's the day. You even posted a picture of your boyfriend. Do you hate him? When you said you were getting pretty dirty in the DMs, do you have an extensive dirty talk game? I got like three

phrases. They just keep getting overused. Which are they? I want to see your asshole gape. That would be in my rotation too I don't have a lot You're just using the same thing on everybody? No, I mean

When I say messages, I mean videos and pictures But even that Are you using Film 1 and you send it to everybody? Yeah Is that a pyramid scheme? I don't know what it is What's that business model called? I don't know what it is. No, I don't think so.

What's that business model called? It's called being a porn star. It's called restitution. I've never been called a star before. Pornography? I'm retired, though. I want to talk to this guy of yours and be like, why don't you let her? You can still love her.

What if you go no face? You and your standards. Come on. This is crazy, though. Yeah, no face? You and your standards. Here, can I tell you? Come on. This is crazy, though. Yeah, no face. But I guess the whole point is that people want you. I mean, we could talk about maybe the no face.

I don't think he'd be up for it. But the thing is, I don't- How about if he was incorporated? Oh, I tried so many times. I'm like, babe, who are you doing the sit-ups for? Just me? Yeah. Come on.

Again, nobody's even watching. You keep it down, but I don't know. for it. Just me? Yeah. Again, nobody's even watching. But I like wonder if I would be attracted to a guy who was like totally fine with it. Yeah, you like a little bit that he's like, you're all mine? Yeah. There's something about like a guy who's like, hey, everybody check out my girl's

pussy. And it's like, wait a second. Babe, what are you getting out of this? That is very true. If you're skimming off the top, I'm going to need to know. We got to pay taxes on this shit. No, that does make sense. But it's also like, oh, that's so sweet.

Now let's make 50K a month. Right? That's the other thing. Really so cute, but okay, that's enough. Let's just fucking get rich well honestly what you should do see okay let me tell you why

I probably would be the type to get jealous about it and be like I want you not to do that but I also wouldn't want to ever be on the hook like if I were you I'd be like every time there's a fight or some shit, I'd be like, do you know how much I fucking give up for this?

I give up so much goddamn money for you, so why don't you fucking do the dishes? You know what I mean? That's the ultimate trump card in all of the relationship fights. That is a tough one. So I would not want to have that on my ledger at the end of the day. But then, fortunately, there's, like, a stigma

and a shame around it. So, like, I feel like the bad guy most of the time. You're right. I mean, that's where we as a society need to get better. As a society, we need to. Let's go back to the shit talk. That just sucks. No.

You know, but it sucks. It does suck. I think honestly, this pandemic has like changed a lot of those perceptions though. Well, because motherfuckers are like, I need money. So no more stigma when I need food. You know, and I mean, it's women too.

I mean, there's something about the vagina that everybody's real uptight about, you know? And it's like, I mean,

I could see it. I mean, I get like unsolicited dick pics like constantly. You know, they're putting them in jail in that. I heard that.

In the UK, right? Finland? I think. Some country nobody cares about. Jail? Yeah. Makes sense.

You go to jail for being a flasher, right? There's digital flashing. I gasp. How many times has your friend grabbed your phone and been fired off a couple of weird pictures? Zero times. Zero times. That's never happened?

No. You got some weird friends. Like of my dick? Yeah, it's a quick comedy. Like grab my phone and fire it off. Like no one does before you get on stage. So you know when you're taking pictures of your friend's dicks and sending them off, right, guys? Anybody at all?

She'll like it. She'll like it. Send it. I feel like accidents happen, though. You can't throw people in jail. I mean, that's wild. I don't think I've ever sent an accidental one. No?

I don't think so. Bye, bye, bye, vice, vice. I love that. You have to like my third handful of Sour Patch Kids. They start fucking flying. I just think it's wild. Yeah, but I think like what was there? Like a 75% uptick in like OnlyFans?

Yeah, something bananas. It was huge. It was like a lot. Well, because I also think it's like I do think there were some like desperate situations. And then you're like, all right, I got to do this to like pay the rent. And then you see the results and you're like, oh, I'm paying the rent at my new house that I'm going to buy. You know what I mean? And then it's like a whole new world.

Right. It's one thing to be like – to tell me. You can make a lot of money doing this. It's another thing to test it out and see it and it's just like, holy shit. I made more money in a week than I did in a year. Than I've made in my whole life right that is it's weird tough to stop or to not do is it do you did you find it like very empowering i mean money's fun you know like i just want to have fun every day right so like i kind of like disassociated from it i was like oh this is this thing that's like making my bank account grow you know but like let's just like

go rent a house and go do this and go have fun. Like, it was just, it was fun to have money and not worry about, because like I was working at Paramount 10 to 6 every day and then had a show every single night. Like it was like a fucking grind.

Yeah, it was a hard schedule and like, you know, making okay money, but like, then I was like, wait a minute, I can just take a nap naked? Right.

Dude, I mean, we, we, I don, we... We... I don't even know if I... Can I talk about that video, RoanMade? I guess not. I don't know. There was...

There's a girl who... Let's talk about it, and I'll run to five people. Okay. There was... There's a girl that I recently saw. She said she... It was a 15-minute work week. She worked 15 minutes total.

It was like, I don't know, a couple minutes a day. I would masturbate. It doesn't take long to do that. She was making like 50 grand a month. I'm sure. You basically just have free money because you don't even have to work for it. But you know what? You can't put a price on love.

Can't put a price on love, girl. Even though you definitely can. Alright, let's go answer the internet. Okay, yeah. I've got some issues that nobody can see. And all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the life that you It's only right, this is The soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life

To my life, to my life To my life, to my life To my life, to my life To my life, to my life To my life, to my life To my life, to my life Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.