KFC Radio - Eric Andre Returns, Rapaport Lawsuit Thrown Out, & Chet Hanks 'White Boy Summer'

Episode Date: April 1, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Review, and Leave a Comment Below! -Chet Hanks has declared it 'White Boy Summer' -We have finally won the war of subtitles -Michael Rapaport vs Barstool Sports lawsuit is thrown out and Dave Portnoy's deposition video is released -Johnny Notebook returns with phones that hear you, reincarnation, truth is for the birds, and Johnny Tycoon -AITA Thursday -Voicemails (01:35:51) Eric Andre returns to the show. We talk about his new movie on Netflix, Bad Trip, and what our favorite moments were from it. He tells us how he got advice from the director of Jackass and the legendary Sacha Baron Cohen. We talk behind the scenes of the movie, working with Tiffany Haddish, and what the future of prank movies with him would entail. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @EricAndre Subscribe to our youtube channel: barstool.link/KFCRADIO Subscribe to our clips channel www.youtube.com/c/kfcradioYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's an embarrassment. The littlest dick. Like an absolute embarrassment. Not a fucking fat one that you get to fucking be like, oh, I'll get me a mic wrap before I take the biggest dick. I suck dick. No, a little tiny fucking dick. I want you to fucking just lick it. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. As my esteemed colleague here is showing you as you watch on YouTube, it's white boy summer, baby.

You ready for white boy summer? What would I do? No, it's just Chet Hanks declared it white boy summer. Oh, I knew that, but what am I doing? You're looking sexy. You're ready to pop the top, hit the beach. It's hot boy, white boy summer. I'm insanely fat right now.

Bro, I am not taking my shirt off this summer. I've never been confident, but I am not even going to do it this summer. I'm going to be more like, I can't do it, COVID restrictions this summer than I was last summer. You could be all masked up, but I'm like, nah, you can't take your shirt off. You get COVID when you're shirtless. Everyone knows that. I can't even tell you how bad it is, man. I was...

I popped in the bathroom the other day. I'm trying on bathing suits. I'm putting on a bathing suit on the Viva line, and I just caught a quick glimpse of my... Look at this goddamn animal! Animal that I work with! Why would you not use your hands? Just caught a quick glimpse of my... Look at this goddamn animal. Animal that I work with. Why would you not use your hands?

You are a barnyard zoo animal. Give me that crust, though. Let me get that crust. Not the one that was in your mouth, but the other one. Not the one that was in my mouth? They were both in my mouth, though. Well, yeah, I didn't watch you just slobber that out of your mouth, though. I'm willing to have this one.

It's not as bad. Just deplorable behavior by you. You're going to use a T-shirt to wipe your hands, aren't you? Yes. Yes. I was like, there's no paper towels over there. He walked right over to the shelf, got a Brazzers t-shirt. He's using it as a napkin.

You know what's funny? I did the same thing yesterday. Not two days ago did I walk over there and I grabbed an old fucking Mets shirt. Wiped off, man. Mets was the first one I saw, but I didn't want to be disrespectful, so I grabbed the Brazzers. Brazzers shirts would be used to clean up a lot worse than some pizza grease. For real.

Brazzers, that shirt, if that shirt could talk, it would go, nah, at least it's not cum. Got a little flavor in this one. Where do you cum in the most, you think? Where do I cum in the most? Yeah. Toilet, probably. Toilet.

Toilet. Yo. Did you spray it off and shoot in there? yeah yeah it's probably a toilet are you sitting on the toilet? or standing over it? sometimes

sometimes it depends because then you gotta do depends if I'm hard when I get in or if I want to be hard but there have been plenty of times like late night

laying on the couch where I was like, oh, that's a boner. And I just walk into the bathroom and take care of it real quick. And there are other times in the morning when I'm like, boy, I'm tired. But I'm not that tired. We can jerk off before the shower real fast. That's the really, like next time

someone tells you they're too tired, it's like, how tired are you? You too tired to jerk off? You're that tired? No? Then let's go. Come on. I can't believe that we let girls have the I'm too tired to have sex excuse. You literally can just lay there. You don't have to do a

fucking thing. You know how many times I've had sex when I'm too tired? Every time. I am always too tired for physical activity. That's what sex is. How many times have I had sex? That's how many times I was too tired to have sex. Mm-hmm. For sure. 100%.

And let's go on speed to speed. We're doing, I'd say 90% of the time, we're doing at least 80% of the work. I don't know if I agree with those numbers. Because I can't really compute them. The majority of the time, we're doing but the majority of the time we're doing the vast majority of the work uh yeah yes yes yes yes but the which i don't mind by the way because like just let me do this you know but actually and you know i'm actually i'm gonna change my numbers half the time i've had sex i was too tired to have sex the The other half of the time, I had to poop too bad to have sex.

That happens to me way. Does that happen to you a lot? Like, boy, I am going to be. What are you, just filled with shit? Yeah, I don't shit a lot. I know, I know. It's your own fault. Just do it more often, dude. No, I think it's.

I think it's. No, he goes, no, I don't think so. – No, he goes, no, I don't think so. Here's a good idea. No, I don't think so. My recommendation there was get more shit out of your body more frequently. And you went, no, I don't think so. Oh, bro. By the way, funny story.

Oh, God, here we go. Dude, yesterday I was taking a shit at work. Rare thing to happen. Wow. And must have been an emergency. My fucking worst nightmare happened. What? Cleaning lady came in.

And she was just in there. For like 20 minutes? Just scrubbing down, yeah. I was just sitting there like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. I mean, that's of all people. People were coming in going, oh, sorry. And I was like, there like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. I mean, that's of all people. People were coming in going, oh, sorry. And I was like, fuck, help. Don't leave a man behind, bro.

Fucking. Band of brothers. You should read it sometime. Kidnapped this woman for 30 seconds so I can wipe my ass and wash my hands and get the fuck out of here. I was just sitting there like, I haven't had my legs go numb during a poop in a while. Which happened yesterday. Did you see Big Ev's tweet? No.

Big Ev said his leg went numb, and when he stood up, he, like, hyper-extended it and almost, like, blew out his knee, which I could see happening to a big fella. Imagine you blow out your ACL, and people are like, how'd you do it? You're like, I was taking a shit. He just went to stand up, all that weight, boom, hyper-extended it. You know what else is going on, by the way? In one of these bathrooms, have you seen the broken hole? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you can see through that whole thing.

That's a peace doll now. The little lock turn thing, I don't know, was ripped out by somebody. How does that fucking break? So now there's a full hole. We're not even talking about a little keyhole. A full hole that you can look in and see someone taking a shit which nobody would ever do but of course my paranoid self is like well someone could look in here oh someone definitely would you think someone would like get in there but just like just to see someone's in if someone's in there that's why they're right

right right right someone in there have you ever have you ever looked and been like I know those sneakers have you ever killed these are too tall the stalls here you can't even see sneakers that's not true yeah I mean I you'd have to bend down. I mean, I'm not bending down for anything. You go like that, you can see it. I've never even looked. I just push the door. You know how I know I'm really, my body's shot? Like, even just, like, bending over, like,

washing, like, my legs, just like a little, just like a little lean. Like, let's say I had an itch behind my knee. That would be a problem for me right now. I would have to, like, squat down to do that. Just a little lean and be's getting bad john it sounds like john it's getting bad by the way i'm i'm officially scared of my mortality stall i was in that's that's what someone has done like come on we work with the biggest group of psychopaths in the history of the world got that jackie and now it's zoomed out it is it is a shocking thing there are three rolls of fucking toilet paper all torn to shreds i mean but but but not this almost looks like

it's like they're doing carefully torn yeah like it's not just's not just like an animal got a hold of it. It's like strips. Rip, rip, rip, and let me put them back. And this is brought to you by the same bathroom where people eat chips while they're peeing. Yeah. Where people, like. Right, left their boogers on the wall. Remember when the blood was in the urinal?

Just massive amounts of blood. Like, someone ripped a tooth out while they were peeing. I felt like Charlie Kelly. I was like was like what is this some sort of horse massacre That went on down here It was also that's the same Urinal that had just like The longest pubes you'll ever see in it Remember that they were like fucking

Absolutely just they were like It was like I liked I liked to I prefer to think that that was just like A Jewish kid's hair. Who do we work with here who could have that? Tommy's hair or something. Christ. Anyway, I do want to acknowledge White Boy Summer.

Okay. Have you noticed what's going on with Chet Hanks right now? Chet Hanks is having a little bit of a moment. Like people are not – you know how ordinarily for the past decade people hated chet hanks like poison like the mere mention of his name made people be like he's kind of got like a comedic relief thing going on where people are not like taking him seriously but they're kind of like ah white boy summer is kind of funny and then he went and had made the merch you see that which looks aggressively anti-Semitic.

But then did you see his follow-up? No. It was pretty funny. So this is why Chet – I think Chet Hanks is becoming self-aware that he's the most ridiculous motherfucker on the planet. So Chet Hanks, that's Tom Hanks' son who's nothing like Tom Hanks. He's like a white boy rapper. He likes to speak in like patois and all that fucking Jamaican dialect. He declared it white boy summer.

But not in like a racist way just like in a i don't know what other kind of way there is but then he was like but that one right whatever it is he did dance like it's a razor thin line and somehow he towed it very well and then he put out the merch and it had old english font and it looked like Aryan Nation type tattoos. And then he made a Instagram story where he was like, I'm not going to find it. He was like, so I spoke to the white boy summer gods and they told me like, yo, Chet, like I fuck with you, man. And I know it's white boy summer, but maybe did you ever think that the old English font is a little too aggressive? So we listened and we're going to change it. like you know that's pretty fucking good so now he's changing it to it's like i think i think he said like times new roman or something like that and he's like on the back it's gonna

say stop hate and we're also gonna drop black queen summer merch so now we have chet hank selling white boy summer and black queen summer merch and then and the white women and the black man are just left out hung out to dry but now as i say that people are kind of down with him and like joking and having fun with chet hanks also uh we're it's not exactly a milkshake duck situation because he's already kind of been in the trenches but everyone's digging up his like um his police reports and they're not good. Oh, domestic stuff? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, I don't know if it was ever, like, physical, but it was, like, threatening and scared and menacing and stuff like that. So, you know, it's just. I think I saw a TMZ picture. He was bleeding. Oh. It was like his head was bleeding. I don't know.

I saw the picture. I don't remember the headline. Right. But I was like, oh, he's I don't know. I saw the picture. I don't remember the headline. Right, right. But I was like, oh, he's got blood dripping out of his face. Well, at least let's, you know, maybe clean his act up and it's, yeah, there's the picture. Yeah. White Boy Summer, indeed. You know, it's pretty much been White Boy Summer every summer.

Yeah. We've had White Boy Spring, White Boy Fall, White Boy Winter, White Boy Summer forever because we're white. But White Boy Summer for me is like I'll catch me in the fall. What were the rules of White Boy Summer? I haven't seen what exactly the hallmarks of White Boy Summer are. I saw – Is there a – I think he listed rules.

Oh, did he? Yeah. Is this on like his Twitter or probably Instagram, right? I do like the fact that he's like –, he's, this is good, like, marketing, if you will. Like, he is, you know, kind of running with this. Oh, my God, Black Queen Summer still has the racist fucking writing. It's like, come on, Chet, what's going on here? I mean, his last, like, 20 posts are about White Boy Summer.

This is something, like, he got lightning in a bottle and knew it. was like what was it like let it let it breathe bro uh but you know good for chet we all love a comeback story you can't really come back when you've never really got yeah he's never really been anywhere i don't think he's got an illuminati tattoo on his chest i don't know could you imagine being tom hanks's son and, like, being that? It's the— Like, if you do the bare minimum, you end up, like, a Hollywood producer. You know what I mean? Like, at the least, you get to work on Hollywood sets and be, like, a cameraman or a production assistant.

With minimal effort, you're probably a Hollywood executive. The diversity Tom Cruise can produce is quite – because Colin Hanks, right? Yes. Colin Hanks is Tom Cruise. Is the whitest fucking person on the planet. He's exactly what you would expect from a Tom Hanks son. Right. And then he has a white sheep.

He's a black sheep who's white. But I'm down to – Okay, here are the rules. You aren't allowed to wear plaid. Okay. Plaid shirts. Can't shop at Vineyard Vines. You can't shop at Vineyard Vines.

All Ralph Lauren shirts must go and must be replaced by black or white T-shirts, and under no circumstances can you wear salmon. Be careful what you're putting on your feet. No Sperry shoes, no boat shoes, but Vans and Jordans are allowed. And when it comes to objectifying comments about women, Chet's tired of everyone calling girls smoke shows.

This is a direct assault on Barstool Sports, who, if you really want white boy summer to pop off, you have to get the Barstool demo. I mean, so not a good judging by the rules here. What he's doing is calling it White Boy Summer but – Making it Black Boy Summer. Really making it an anti-white – not anti-White Boy Summer but just the opposite of what a white boy would be. Go back to that Merch, Shaggy. So it's tank tops, shorts, hoodies, leggings.

So nothing really – nothing – the actual clothing itself is really nothing special. But, yeah, everything he described is –, white boys all around the world are like, well, I can't participate in White Boy Summer. Now, I tend to agree with him. I hate Sperry's. I can't believe people ever wore boat shoes regularly. What is up with that? I don't know.

They're so uncomfortable. They're uncomfortable. They stink so fast. And I also wonder, aside from the bottoms being, like, non-slipping, they do not look like something you should wear while sailing. Well, no, what it is is it won't, like, you won't get, like, a sneaker mark on a boat. Right. Okay, that's fine.

But everything else, like, their leather and their. They're not, like, sailing shoes. It's just, like, shoes to walk around, like, a boat. All right. That makes sense, then. That won't mark up the whole deck. Because I thought they were all just wildly, like wildly blisters and stink and sweat and leather. They're awful, awful shoes.

Just the worst. I've been around many people who wear them regularly, and I never understood. I'm sure there was a phase in my life where I wore them. I mean, I would be stunned to find out you never wore them. I've absolutely owned pairs, but I never regularly wore them. That's an upset. They're not good. They're not good shoes. But you can understand why someone would think that you used to be I never regularly wore them. That's an upset. They're not good. They're not good shoes.

But you can understand why someone would think that you used to be like the king of them. Of course. I get it. You get it. I'm a pretty soft boy. What looked at a mirror, too, in my day? What do you think is the most surprised someone would be about one of your previous fashion choices? Like what's the biggest departure?

You know, like if you were to tell me that one summer you like wore throwback jerseys or something where it was like, whoa. Well, it wouldn't be a surprise. One summer I wore like lacrosse pinnies like every day. Yeah. I said surprise. That is quite literally the opposite of that. with cross pinnings like every day um i said i said surprise yeah i got a surprise in like by sixth grade i tried to make capri pants for men a thing didn't really catch on now while that is a surprise it's also again not a surprise yeah it was like what did you see you wore it a couple

times and then wore it a bunch of times did you like declare it like yeah yeah you guys get on board like chet hanks with White Boy Summer here. I'm like, I'm wearing fucking women's capri pants from The Gap. What are you asking? Were they women's? Yeah, they were women's. They didn't make men's capri pants. So you just went and got like quadruple XL women's capri pants?

I mean, they were girls. I was probably in the boys and girls section at the time. But yeah, I ripped a pair of capri pants for a couple of times. Where was John Feidelberg? Where was your father? Where was he? And where was your mother? Where was Polly?

I can't believe Polly was running the credit card, bro. Oh, I can't believe Polly wasn't. She was probably swiping and being like, this kid's a fucking gay. I can't believe she didn't bully you out of that one. Although I do, I ask my mom, like, I make fun of that. But, you know, there was a time where I was dressing like I was in a fucking B-boy crew. Like I was a fucking breakdancer. And as I got older and started to just fall into the jeans and hoodie, like eternally – you can wear that forever.

I remember asking my mom, like, what were you guys thinking? Like on Christmas when I still wanted these clothes. And she was like, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I just wanted you to shut up. I mean, I just wanted thinking? Like, on Christmas, when I still wanted, you know, these clothes. And she was like, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I just wanted you to, like, shut up. Yeah. I mean, like, I just wanted to keep you happy on Christmas. But my mom would have to go to, like, the Galleria Mall, which I know, like, only a few people are going to know that.

But, like, there were shootings at the Galleria. My mom would have to go there to go to certain stores to buy me, you know, Jay-Z's latest fucking clothes from Rock-A-Wear. Nas' latest clothes from Willie Esco. It is wow that we somehow met in the middle i know i know right we really are like opposites attract or like you know uh it's like you know when um like in songs and like you know you you challenge me it's like we're that for each other we're the yin and the yang we complete each other. Speaking of sweatshirts, these are out this Friday. Oh, yeah. It is. Wait.

Tell them about that one. This is my favorite one. So my favorite thing about. Which, by the way, I think that war has been won. I'm going to declare it won. The subtitle war. Couldn't agree more. That used to be like a 50-50 thing where people were like, I can't believe people watch with subtitles.

We have won the war. Yeah. And I think, no, I think we have won the war. I think we convinced enough people that watching with subtitles – We were the code talkers or the – We led the charge, man. We were the ones – Wind talkers? Yeah.

Wind talkers. And the wind talkers broke the code. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean I think we were the ones who told the world like you absorb more information. You pick up on names better. You know what I really love about subtitles? When, like, there's news on the television and, like, it puts what the newscaster is saying.

And, like, even that has something to do with the plot. Little things where you can pick up on. Oh, you never would have heard. Right, right. And it's like, oh, shit, I didn't realize that was going on. And that's like a little Easter egg. Team subtitles on everything that's not sports and stand-up comedy. I do it on everything.

I don't do it on stand-up comedy because it often gets to the punch. Like, it's a little. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes when it's delayed, you get to the punchline first. I do it on sports just because I'm too lazy to turn it off. Yeah. So it just kind of runs on top. Sometimes it covers the score, so I got to do it.

But, yeah, we have won that battle um but not only are they just great like because it's just like quality viewing but the when you these things that we have on sale here the little when you get the sound if for some i don't know why it just always makes me laugh this is when they put the sound in the brackets and it's just like so we have dance music playing we have ominous music we have awkward laughing and breathing breathing heavily that one was inspired i saw logan roy walking up a pair of stairs and it just said breathing heavily and i was like oh yeah that was going on i like i like breathing heavily and i like ominous music ominous music to me is so great. Or sometimes upbeat music too. Be happy. We're in a happy scene.

The awkward laughing is my favorite. Awkward laughter. Because that's just like what I'm doing at all times. My uncle made fun of me for my awkward laughing ever since I was a child and I'm just like, I'm just never going to stop, man. I don't know what to tell you. How about this? How about when subtitles say

speak Spanish? Fucking give me the, you know, translate for me man i don't know what to tell you how about this how about when subtitles say speak spanish truckin give me the you know translate for me subtitles no no because that's because the show doesn't want you to know what they're saying why not because it's like that but what when it says speak spanish what they're doing is they're just telling regular deaf people that we acknowledge their mouths are moving yeah but it's not in the language. And if it's not translated in the show, then they wouldn't want you translating the subtitles. Why not just translate it?

Because it's part of the plot, usually. No, I want to know what he's saying. That would probably ruin plot points. I don't, I mean, I guess so. I feel like it's just like you can tell me what the drug dealer is yelling at him in Spanish. I like the no. I don't need any top secrets. You can't.

You can't know. You can't know. You can't know. Okay. No, you just can't. Subtitles and closed captions, which are literally used to translate other languages. Sometimes they just don't translate the language. If the director doesn't want you to know what they're saying, you can't learn a subtitle.

I don't want some deaf motherfucker to know what's going on before me. Can't have a deaf guy think he's smarter than me. What are you, nuts? On sale now at the Barstool store on Friday. So tomorrow the drop is on, and you can go to the Barstool Sports store and pick up your new team subtitle hoodies. Also, after you pick up yourself the subtitle's hoodies, make sure you go pick up a new face shield for the summer from S.A. Face Shields.

You're going to be out on the beach. You're going to be out in the sun and you're going to need to protect yourself from the elements. So you've got to get yourself an S.A. Face Shield, which can be worn in 10 different ways. You could wear it as a face mask. You can wear it as a bandana, a neck gaiter, any which way that you want to be a little bit stylish and protect yourself from the sun and the wind and all the exposure. You know, if it's white boy summer, like for us, we're going to burn. We're going to get chapped by the wind and the sun and the sand. You're going to need to cover up. So what better way to do it than with your face shield? Now you know me, Mr. Outdoors.

You know what I'm saying? I'm going to be on many adventures this summer. Shirt on, face shield on. I don't want people to see my body. I don't want people to see my face. That's the best way to get laid. It really is. Can you not say anything about me?

Just let my personality do the talking. I believe that the face shield, face guard revolution, I'm going to keep going forever and ever. I'm going to get different designs. So I'll be stylish with it. I say face shields have all sorts of different colors, patterns, fabrics. And I think I'm just going to do it forever because I've loved this this time of like, you don't you can't see me while I'm off. You can't see me, bro. I'm John Cena out here.

OK, you can't see me. I'm going to can't see me bro i'm john cena out here okay you can't see me i'm gonna be protected from the sun and i'm gonna be it's like um doesn't big daddy doesn't have like a blanket that protects him or something like that oh it's just sunglasses sunglasses yeah yeah that's gonna be my face shield i put my face shield on and i'm just gonna be like all comfortable it's gonna like calm me down no anxiety so whether you're just a freak like me or just an outdoors person and really if you are team indoors when you go outdoors you're going to need the face guards because you're not really like trained for the elements so team outdoors and team indoors are going to need them whether

you're hiking fishing swimming uh going to a restaurant anywhere outside doing absolutely anything riding a bike riding a scooter rollerading, any of the forms of transportation, get yourself an SA face shield at safishing.com slash KFC, and you get five face shields for the price of one. So buy one, get four free. That's $150 value for $25. Get yourself some face shields. Can't really beat that.

You're going to need face shields, and you might as well get four free ones. Go to safishing.com slash KFC. Get five face shields for the price of one. Do you think that yesterday, two days ago now, if you're listening to this, do you think that was the worst day in internet history for that bag of fucking blue cheese Michael Rappaport? I can't think of a singular worse day than that. Many of it's self-inflicted.

It was such a burning passion, and I was so happy all day yesterday. I mean, that, so yesterday yesterday, Michael Rafferty... That's one of the proudest things I've done in my time here at Barstool Sports. To stay a distance from him the whole time. Sniff it out right away. Being like, that dude fucking sucks. I'm not getting involved with him at all.

I remember, even when he, like, part of my take, you should just bring him in. Like... Make fun of his laugh and all that shit. Like, they... But, like, it was, like, before he even worked at Barstool, he was, like, I think, recurring guest on part of my take. And I was always, like... So, I was like, man, he was a recurring guest on a part of my take. And I was always like, man, I wish they didn't do this.

That was tough. Yeah, that was tough. That must have been an awkward moment when it all went south and it was like, oh, shit. We put like all our eggs in that basket. I mean, he was such a fucking piece of shit. Like ever the least interesting person I've ever met in my entire life but and beyond all that the main thing of him being a self-proclaimed i am the king of shit talking and never once when things come to the forefront does he ever talk shit like so all right so yesterday a he loses the defamation of

character lawsuit against barstool in like laughable fashion. Like the judge took the time to put like her own jokes in being like, this is a fucking waste of my time and everyone time here. Like, what are we doing here? The last two years of this, right? It was in 2019 was the deposition. And so that was funny. The deposition came late. Right. So that was like a year.

Yeah, that was a year like after everything happened. So he loses the case, which means, you know, nothing but flushing money and time down the toilet. Then we're allowed to release the deposition tapes, which has the moment with Dave where Rappaport's lawyers prove our point for us. Like, I mean, the fact that that person's a lawyer, the that that person like took the LSATs and passed the bar and all that and was like this was a basic like this then this then this you couldn't understand like a progression of events scary

like if you're gonna be a bitch and lawyer up like at least start to get some fucking good legal team I remember Nate telling me that like he did seven hours in his uh god bless you thank you um he did seven hours in his – God bless you. Thank you. He did seven hours of deposition.

And he's like, I think I'm a better lawyer than that guy. Yeah. When you lose a battle of wits to Nate and Smitty – I was like, really though, Nate? And then I watched his video and I was like, oh, okay. I went in pretty nervous because I was like, I just don't want to fuck this up. I don't want to lose any money. I don't want to get caught in anything. And so I was just like, yes, no, yes, no.

And eventually I was like, oh, wait a minute. minute you guys i mean you guys got nothing like nothing i asked dave how happy he was when that tape started playing because even in like even when i know i'm right and someone's like well what about this that's what i mean well i don't know like i got worried i'm wrong if he got some like hot shot, like Hollywood lawyer that maybe, you know, I'd be like Hank with the, the, the, the port of the pirate port. I'm 99% sure I didn't do that. But I was like, you know, I've seen these things where it's like people confess to crimes they didn't commit and stuff.

So I was like, fuck. Okay. And then, you know, but isn't it true, sir? And I'd be like, no, they were like, okay. Foiled again. Right. Ah, curses. But it was so laid out for Dave.

Didn't you have the shirt ready to go before he was fired? And it's very clearly like the chain of events was I fired him, and then I said make the shirt. He's like, but listen to it again, sir. Sir. Didn't you, sir? Isn't it true, sir? He's like, no.

So he loses the case dave dunks all over him with that clip and then the the that went well starts going viral which by the way i wanted the day's office right away the moment i watched that video and i was like you doing that on all shirts yeah and he's like oh you think i should i was like yeah i think you should and i'm surprised he still has i think he will but i'm surprised he still hasn't. And, I mean, I was joking about it, but if this NFT thing is going to be a real thing, like, that's one that people will want to buy. Like, I own the Dave Portnoy, that went well clip. And then Rappaport puts out his own DMs.

He tweets out his own screenshots of DMs with Kevin Durant. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think people are like, oh, I'm on Durant's side just because I hate Rappaport. I didn't think anything Durant said is funny or clever. It's just like, you suck dick, you pussy, you're broke. Like, it's just whenever a celebrity mixes it up, it's like, oh! But it's like, it wasn't anything clever. I thought what he said, like, he's like, go get some sun. Your pants was fucking with your brain.

Yeah. I thought he called him a cum guzzling something. That was kind of funny. I like that. I get down with that. You suck cock of other men. You cum guzzling bitch. And then he had something else.

Oh, he challenged him to a fight. I thought that was cool. Multiple times. Meet me here, meet me there. And then this is my problem yeah he said meet you at catch steak maybe at west 17th not one funny reply not one clever clap back not one if you're the king of shit talking you're the king of busting balls you're the big bad new yorker like and you can't win a war of words

with a basketball player like you're supposed to be like not a comedian but like you're a funny guy you're an actor like never once has he shit talked no you know he couldn't back it up with dave or barstool he got he he you know go help the kids of brown's what are you talking about like this guy's making fun of you. Make fun of him back. I think he's literally one of the most worthless, talentless, stupid,

pathetic, fucking losers on the planet. Yeah. It's like... And you know what? He's had an acting career. There just is no denying that. Sure.

Go back to that. I don't care. Because you were not built to do what we do here. You're not... You gotta be quick. You gotta be clever. You gotta be witty. You gotta be aware. Don don't care. Because you were not built to do what we do here. You're not. You've got to be quick. You've got to be clever. You've got to be witty.

You've got to be aware. I've interviewed some guys on the sideline of the Big 3 tournament. Suck a dick. I mean, the fact that he. So he lawyered up to try to, like, fight Barstool rather than just, like, fighting Barstool. And then tweeted those out being like, look how mean Kevin Durant is. Yeah, that was crazy. It was like, dude, you didn't have to release these.

No. You could have just kept these locked up. And it was from like December. It's been going on for months. And Durant even kind of tweeted like, ah, I thought like me and Mike always talk like this. Like I thought we were cool. I guess not. Like even he was like, this is not a fucking big deal.

And clearly, you know, because you know for Durant this is going to be like there are people saying this is homophobic and this is misogyn know for durant this is going to be like there's there are people saying this is homophobic and this is misogynistic so it's going to be a headache for durant so rather like i don't think it will it won't be a big deal it's not gonna be like mad for a day it will only i'm i'm so proud of kevin durant like i see i feel like i i don't want to say i've done a full 180 on him because I'm not totally down with him. But he used to do the burners and shit, and now he's just doing it from his own name. And while I think that there's no doubt. He still does the burners. Yeah, but he also is willing to put it on his own name too.

And while I think that there is no doubt this is an insecurity and he's clearly bothered and not confident in who he is totally. I like that he's just like, I don't care. This is what I do. I like to fucking troll people. I like to argue on the internet. Don't tell me how to use my Twitter. When people are like,

you should be focused on basketball. You should be above these guys. And he's just like, no. Because I'm kind of the same way where it's like, if I want to fight somebody, I don't care how big they are,

how much money they have, how many followers they have. If I want to fucking mix it up with them, I'm gonna. And so I'm kind of the same way where it's like, if I want to fight somebody, I don't care how big they are, how much money they have, how many followers they have. If I want to fucking mix it up with them, I'm going to. And so I'm kind of like, okay, all right. Yeah. It's a very fair point. I wouldn't do it if I was – He's like, I like using social media.

I don't get to use it as much with my own name, so I have burners and I use it that way. When he was like, I come on Twitter to argue about sports and music. Like, leave me alone. Okay. He's finally just like, this is what I do. I don't think I would do it. I think I would avoid it if I was like on his level of success and money and fame. But if he wants to, probably can go let him.

So I'm like kind of down with Kevin Durant now. And it's a guy who I never was. Like, I was always like, this is so fucking, this is like weird and lame. But once you just own it, it's kind kind of like okay and and now he's like kind of good at it you know what i mean it's it's next level shit where he's just like fuck you man i don't like you i think but to release that to think that that was going to be like oh yeah like team rapport 50 years old at least right 50 years old and like look at some basketball players being mean to me on the internet. The shit talking king.

Fuck you you fucking fuck. I'm from fucking New York. Suck the littlest dick. Like an absolute embarrassment. Not a fucking fat one that you get to fucking be like oh give me a mic rap where I take the biggest dick. I suck dick. A little tiny fucking dick.

I want you to fucking just lick it. Absolutely not. We are for sure done with that imagery i am not doing michael rapaport licking a tiny penis imagery no no let's get into am i the asshole you're an asshole for making me think of that a couple things oh we got johnny notebook yeah johnny notebook i got a little notebook action today go ahead a couple of things left first of all you know how everyone's always complaining about how their phones are listening to them? Yeah. What if your

phones, like, you know how you get in arguments with your significant other where it's like you're listening but you're not hearing? What if your phone started hearing you? And then, and it was like Oh boy. You were real high last night. The IG ads, no I wasn't. Well, I was.

But wait until you get to the next one. But what if the IG ads were hearing you and it was just life stuff that was really coming up? Give me an example. It was exceptionally personal. I'm scrolling Instagram. I'm looking through fucking Paige Sporanek shit because she just posted a picture where it was bad. She is bad. Out of this world.

And I'm just scrolling through the Instagram stories, popping on, popping on, popping on. And then interruption, ad. And it's like, think about a new job. We've been listening to the podcast. I think you need to switch it up. I don't know. What do you think about trying to be a tire rotator? You're not working with your hands

and detaching mentally a little bit. You ever think about digging ditches? What if it just hurt things like that? We're going to offer you just life advice. Like, oh, we heard you answer the door for a delivery guy again today.

What about a fucking salad yeah what about so so not not even it's not even um it's not tailored to like your your habits it's tailored to like what your habits almost should be what you need it's about you it's making recommendations yeah it's not like i hear that's the next level it's like you know sentient awareness where it's not like, here, try this product. It's like, you know, sentient awareness where it's like, we know what you're searching. Now we know what it means and what we should do because of it. What if you're scrolling at 3 o'clock in the morning, laying in bed, got that blue light flashing all over your fucking face, and in the middle of a story, an ad pops up, dude, go to fucking bed. Yeah, you know what that's called?

A wife. That's a significant other who bothers you. You get real sick of the internet real quick if it was always telling you what to do. Imagine that. That'd be great. No. No, it wouldn't. Because you'd grow to hate the internet.

You'd be like, I'm just here for fucking porn and funny videos. That video with the turbine hitting the ball. I don't know. Oh, this video. This video is just such pure, in my mind, like internet happiness. These guys are in somewhere in like a field in England, and they're kicking a soccer ball trying to get it hit by a windmill, and they succeed.

And it's just awesome how far this ball goes. I mean, it's poof. He just takes out a space station. Gone. It's amazing. That's what I want on my internet. I want that, and I want disgusting videos. I want to see holes and stuff. I don't want any of your fucking – I don't need your opinion, internet.

I don't want your input, internet. I'm not advocating for it. I know it would be a terrible thing. But just if your phone was like, oh, you thought we were listening? Yeah. No. We're hearing. It just starts interrupting conversations.

It'd be like, dude, you're wrong. You're fucking wrong. Your phone's like, you are doing it again. You're doing that thing where you always – We're not listening anymore now we're hearing like how great would that be if you're if you're like the other person in the room you're arguing and like your phone's on that person's phone's on your side oh yeah yeah i mean i rest my case i rest my case steve jobs said it too okay you're fucking wrong i for one i'm off on this i don't want the internet telling me what to do okay how about this one boy john's going through it well yeah i mean you saw me start

eating that pizza what if reincarnation is real oh i believe that but like to unlock those memories you need to like be back in your exact like house like like say i say i i'm i'm in a past life i was from egypt but like so we don't as people don't travel enough to figure out find your old life yeah yeah like maybe you're like deja vu like you go and that but that's just a flash of your old life in order to really unlock everything you'd have to like enter your old home i love it and then you'd be like wait okay yeah no and then it just clicks and then everything's see the matrix yeah yes okay i guess i used to live here yes for sure but that's why you guys start breaking into every house yeah you guys might be the one you gotta start knocking a lot more you know when you know you see those those those scenes in

movies i think this is one of the weirdest things that the movies do where you knock on the door and you're like hi like i used to live here do you mind if I just come in? Yeah, yeah. I'd be like, get the fuck out of here, weirdo. To be fair, that's usually the response in movies. It's like, what? Yeah, it's like, no. I don't let people in my fucking house. It's not like the 1950s. It's like, no, you're probably going to murder me.

But imagine if you did that, if you knocked on the door. I might have lived here. And I just got to see. I just got to sit down. I got to give it a ride. See if my memories are triggered even just being in the same city if you're like wait okay yeah i'm from cairo yeah i could get down with this people start looking at you like you're crazy well you just gotta go

find your city bro right like we how do you know i just i just unlocked it i remember when um i think andrew schultz had that idea that that people who are like that much smarter or that much funnier or that much stronger, better, just elite, they've been reincarnated like a hundred times. And you have only been

reincarnated like ten times so you're just not on that level yet. And one day, you'll be reincarnated and you'll be like... At that point, they'd be reincarnated

a thousand times. Right. But I guess, I wonder if you do believe in reincarnation, is there any... Has it ever stopped? It just keeps going forever. I'm not aware of. That, I don't like do believe in reincarnation, is there any, does it ever stop? Does it keep going forever?

I'm not aware of. That, I don't like. The idea of infinity bugs me out. Like, I remember being a little kid and being terrified of heaven. Being like, but you never get out. And I remember my mom being like, but it's good. Like, it's like paradise. And I was like, yeah, but you never get out.

Yeah, but it's paradise. Yeah, I want to get the fuck out of paradise. Probably within an hour. Yeah, but it's Paris. Yeah. I want to get the fuck out of paradise. Probably within an hour. Yeah, like think about a little sick of it. Think about the best party you ever go to. And every time you're

like, all right, I'm about done here. Yeah, you're going to think about when you go on like an amazing vacation. And let's say you do a long one and you

take two weeks off by day like 11. You're like, everyone always says the same thing. Like it was great, but I was ready to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was i wanted to get back to my own bed even the best things you could do in the world you get sick of in no less than like 10 days and you're gonna tell me i'm

gonna go there for infinity no no thank you plus how much would you end up taking paradise for granted if you never i feel like heaven has to have like a couple day trips every now and then to hell you you know? Make you appreciate paradise a little more. Yeah. Because if you're there forever, you're like, oh, I take for granted the fact that I would be so fucking out on heaven, it's not even funny.

It would be immediate. Like, get me the fuck out of here, dude. This is so stupid. How about the Christians getting mad this week with little nas x like like i saw a bunch of tweets that were so on the nose it was like you guys invented the devil and now you're really upset about it there would be no devil worshiping if you didn't write your fucking story about it you dumb asses thank you every these are all fictional

characters all of them the good guys bad guys, everybody's fictional here, and you're getting upset about it. You made it all up. I mean, very fair point. The whole thing made up. What was I going to say? Oh, yeah, you're talking about eternity and hell and stuff like that. Chaps on Personal Confessions a few episodes ago

described how he, as a door-to-door religious salesman, whatever you call those, Chaps on Personal Confessions A few episodes ago Described How he As a Door to door Religious salesman Whatever you call those Like an evangelical He was trying to get people To convert

Yeah And how he would Describe it And he said Because it's The idea of hell And the idea of eternity Is so hard to grasp

That he would Describe it as You're standing at the East coast Edge of the coast And you're being told to walk to the fucking Europe or wherever through the water?

and the water's fire and then you have to do that, go back and forth because while this is happening a hummingbird is flying around the globe with just its nose touched to the ground. And as long, you have to keep walking back and forth until that hummingbird splits the world in half. And that's hell?

That's eternity. Yeah, it's an eternity in hell. Jesus Christ. God damn lunatic. He basically has my exact response. What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? He's like, yeah, it's very descriptive, but it's effective. Like a hummingbird just cut it.

That's the only hole. That's as big as the hole is. Bro, people? I mean, I've been getting a lot of, I don't, I really don't hate like religious people. I'm cool with you guys. But when you think about, like if I, if I described any other circumstance where someone came to your door and described that situation, you'd be like, that person should be locked up. That person is terrifying. But because it's like, because religion you're like oh okay.

You fucking psychopath. It is bizarre. You know what's funny? Mincy said to me yesterday he was like you know something KFC? I was raised that way. I'm a proud Christian.

I'm from a Baptist church and even I think these people are crazy. Even if Ben Mintz can be like what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Then you know you must be on the extreme outs. I remember Mintzy.

I love Mintzy. But I remember... What's up, fellas? I had to get up out of my desk on January 6th. It was Mintz, Frank, and I think Big T all just talking about the capital insurrection. I was like, I gotta split on this media of the minds. I got to go.

I got to go before Q shows up. If I could pick three people I didn't want to hear discussing this, they're in the top three. It's like the only thing missing is Alex Jones. That's it. Okay, I got two more things real quick. One, just a thought here. Some people's motto is

honesty is the best policy. Mine is I really don't even care if you tell me the truth. The people who subscribe to honesty are children. Any times I'm getting in an argument with somebody or a fight with someone and they're like, what if I did that to you? I was like, I can't stress enough.

This is not just because we're arguing. I would not care in the slightest if you told me kind of a lie. Yeah. All right. Whatever. I always – I think I've said this before. Like the classic movie trope when it's like I – our relationship started because of a bet or a lie or a joke, but then I really fell in love with you. I cannot stand when the girl like gets mad and breaks up with them it's like that's a very

legitimate thing like i yeah it was fucking weird in the beginning and now i love the fuck out of you and you're gonna go ruin that get out of here that is your real name like my real name this is the thing i was lying about that That's it. I hate that. Anytime. Honesty is only the best policy when you are dealing with, like, the most understanding people and the nicest people in the world. Anybody else that you tell a hard truth to, it always backfires and blows up in your face. It is. And my thing. I have no need for the truth.

None whatsoever. I am never, ever again going to shoot myself in the foot i've tried it recently with a certain thing i was like i'm just gonna fucking be honest and it was like well shouldn't have done that like almost instantly i did it and it was like like blew up in my face i was like well i should have lied i'm never gonna shoot myself in the foot i i'm like what if what if the world ends between now and when they find out the truth and then i never have to deal with this at all what if by that time the world radically changes? What if by that time I can fix whatever went wrong? I am never going to cut myself out. Bet on yourself. Yes. Always. Double down. Triple down. I bet on myself. I'm going to bet on myself that I can fucking fix the situation.

My lie or my fib, white lie, my omission of the truth, whatever it is that you're saying, it will make it like 10 times worse when we get to that point. But it's 10 times worse or it's zero. I will always give my chance to that zero because I will never take that immediate dose of like, fuck. I'll take the risk of 10 times that if it also means zero. I will cut my life in half. I will be worried about being found out for five years, however long I'm telling this. And I'm not talking about murder lies.

Just little lies. But you know what? Even then, I watched the thing the other day. It was actually fascinating. It was a 2020 thing. They used 23andMe to narrow down this guy's family tree so like they there was dna at the scene but it didn't match anybody in the system but it did match people from 23 and me so they figured out like it's gotta be the fuck did anyone do that

it's crazy it doesn't make don't do not give your dna to anybody ever like ever who decides i'm gonna give my dna to a private company or the country or anybody all just to be like i'm actually 61 german yeah i thought i was 75 like who fucking cares for heart disease right yeah you're gonna die one day right we knew that you found out you're sub you've got a 0.1 sub-saharan african that you're gonna brag about and then you gotta fucking actually native american yeah i can say the naran African that you're going to brag about. And then you got a fucking – Actually Native American. Yeah, I can take the N word. Now you're also going to jail for life. Right.

This guy – so like eventually they narrowed it down. It was really cool. It was like it has to be the child of this couple. And this couple only had five kids. And this one was old. This one was young. This one was here. This one was there.

It like has to be this guy who lives in this area. And they got him. And then they followed him around until he threw a cigarette out the window. They picked it up and they got him. It was young. This one was here. This one was there. It like has to be this guy who lives in like in this area. And they got him. Then they followed him around until he threw a cigarette out the window. They picked it up and they got him. It was amazing. But they but as I was watching that, this dude got away with like rape and murder for like 50 years, you know. And people were like, you would just think that like the guilt every day was like eating him up. And it's like, I don't know. He's a fucking murderer and a rapist he probably was like just walking around

all that time like I don't give a shit I would think so cause even like the little lies bother me yeah but you're not a fucking rapist and a murderer well you know you have some level of conscience in you yeah some I guess like yeah

I gave that a pretty soft well afterwards I am not a rapist or a murderer we're throwing out rape and murder I was just gonna say what about your

your own little your own little lies you eventually wanna just like crack and tell them my own? yeah no no that's what I'm saying

I don't wanna I don't wanna get in any trouble I'm done with that I don't wanna be I wanna live a happy life and if I tell you what's gonna upset you right now we're not gonna be happy but i'll have things where i'm like tonight my bike might get this this one might just come out tonight

but you know what maybe in the next 12 hours i figure it out so i'm not gonna say it until it's too fucking late yeah the uh the old prickly pete like look, maybe this car just gets in an accident and we die. And I never had to deal with this. That would be beautiful. Amen. Last thing I had was just, I got two more ideas for what I'm going to do when I live on a ski mountain. I'm going to be a, I am going to be a tycoon in this little ski mountain town. It is, so I'm going to, one, I'm going to own a liquor store, obviously. Two, I'm going to, I think, and I actually think Liz Gonzalez has had this idea in the past.

I'm going to have a video rental store there. I think, I think I. That's the stupidest fucking idea I've ever heard. I think, I think it's a fun little thing to do. You're right. People do that once and one time only. Yeah. But it'll be fun to do. It'll be fun right people do that once and one time only yeah but

it'll be fun to do it'll be fun i think i think it'd be funny it's gonna be profitable i uh fun fun fun yeah no well the only reason i'm moving this miserable because i'm rich well you'll be a tycoon yeah well and now it's a liquor store i will also liquor store will be a successful store that funds your massively failure of a store liquor store and then but i will also um or it's the same store. You pick up your liquor at your movie. Yeah, okay. And if we don't have a movie you like,

we'll rent yours for you. Like on Amazon. We'll pay you the three bucks for the streaming service you're going to get. That's tough, though. Why? Because then everyone comes in and goes, I don't like anything here.

Good point. So you've got to strap them to a fucking lie detector. Yeah. Or you have like an ex-MK Ultra guy there who reads your pulse, looks at your eyes. Nope, he's lying. He likes this movie here. He likes Failure to Launch. He could rent that one.

He's a fucking liar. And then the last thing I would do while I was there is I would have – I would write for the local paper. It would be a lot of fun. I think having a column in a small town local paper. Would you have a pen name or would it be like John Fidelberg? Not me, John Fidelberg. You're all lucky to have me. Boy, you are just picking absolutely dying industries.

Oh, yeah, we're going back to the 70s. Yeah, we're going to say things like bodacious and oriental and gay marriage will be illegal. And we mail cigarettes to kids. Is that what they used to do? Oh, yeah. Mail cigarettes to kids? Well, I don't know if they were directly addressed to kids, but they would just mail them to kids. Is that what they used to do? Oh, yeah. Mail cigarettes to kids? Well, I don't know if they were directly addressed to kids, but they would just mail them to houses.

And then the kids intercepted and smoke them? That's fucking cool. It's just like, here you go. Here's a cigarette. You know what that is? Bodacious. Yeah. It's going to be a pretty good town.

I think if you put those things. Scheme Island, got me writing columns in the local paper. Uh-huh. Right? Uh-huh. And then we got. I'm ripping cigs while I read my morning paper. Smoking it. I'm about to hop on the mountain and ski. And then at night, I'm going to go rent the movie.

Grab a bottle of whiskey. And drink a bottle of wine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, wine, whiskey, whatever. I'm down. It's a pretty nice, quaint little life. Aside the racism and the bigotry that will be involved. You're going to be in, like, Colorado?

Yeah, Colorado. Maybe Maine. What's the name of this town? Boy, putting me on the spot here. I feel like it's got to have something like, you know, like, I don't know, like it's the little town of Stepping Stone, Vermont. Oh. You like that, Stepping Stone?

I was going to say, like, yeah, I actually really like Stepping Stone. Or maybe, like, Skipping Stone? Nah, Stepping Stone. Or maybe, like, Skipping Stone? Nah, Stepping. Stepping Stone, Vermont. Stepping Stone, Vermont. Where the racism and cigarettes flow. Come visit us. Come get a timeshare. Are you one of those people who used to say, back in the good old days?

I made them. I like it. It's good marketing. You're an asshole. Yeah, I know. Let's find marketing. You're an asshole. Yeah, I know. Let's find out who else is an asshole here on the internet. And by the asshole today, we got a doozy. We got one of those ones that's going viral that we got to talk about.

It's brought to you by Lightboxer. Lightboxer finally has arrived. I'm setting this up tonight. So Lightboxer is going to change John's life because he's going to get in shape and he's going to get some of this anger and aggression out. And he's going to be a happy guy. I'm very excited. Because I'm a happy guy. I'm a happy guy.

John's going to throw these hands. He's going to start beating the shit out of all of you. I think of it, Lightboxer, I think of as Simon for punching. Right? Where you have to follow like punch. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And you got to punch in a pattern. Simon for punching, right? Where you have to follow, like, punch. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And you got to punch in a pattern. So it's like the good old days.

Remember those games? Like, bop it or Simon or whatever. And mixing it with your workout and throwing some hands, getting out your aggression and anger, getting in shape, and kind of playing a game, you know? It also is like as you're punching, it's also going to work like like your brain so you're getting kind of like a cardio a physical workout and like a mental workout because you got to like follow the pattern i forgot about this i'm only in such good shape by the start of the summer it's got uh lights flashing lights that that sync up to music and sounds um and it speeds up the tempo changes to like challenge you and and uh and get you in

shape so there's six targets with 200 plus led lights there are four sensors to detect and track every move so you get all these stats about your performance and your progress uh with the performance dashboard it says how fast you were how strong you were how right how many things you got right how many things you got wrong. So it's just a new way to do some kickboxing training where it's going to use different lengths, there's different intensities, there's different programs to keep everything fresh and changing so it never gets old and you continue to stay in shape. Right now, go to lightboxer.com, L-It-e boxer.com slash kfc and you get a hundred dollars off your purchase uh that's lightboxer.com slash kfc get a hundred dollars off your new

purchase and you can play that music throw some punches you can go take daily classes that you can watch along with it uh There's like an extension. So you get like an extension of the machine on the Internet virtually. So you can train with other people and trainers and get all $100 off this whole thing when you go to lightboxer.com slash KFC. This am I the asshole? Hey, I'm paused real quick because I just got tagged in a video from lowering the bar. Did you do lowering the bar this week? No, I missed the swallow spit thing.

Okay, so lowering the bar this week is the spit of a swallow. It is horrifying. It's so bad. It's so bad. But it actually doesn't taste that yeah it's just the the consistency it's the consistency of it i saw the one the montage of you going i think i'm pretty confident i don't think i'm gonna throw up and then it's the montage of you puking yeah yeah no this is another one this is a new one this is bird spit i knew it i knew it

so you drank it without knowing? That you said it's bird spit? This is just the thought. That was the thought? How the hell were you gonna drink it? He's sensitive today. You know what the fuck this is? It's bird spit! It's just the words? It's a cup of fucking bird spit!

Oh, that came out of like your... That came out of your gut, man. I... Yeah, I gotta be honest. Oh, that came out of your gut, man. Yeah, I got to be honest. This was the one where I said, you've gone too far. It was. Like swallowing bird spit. I mean, like fucking Fear Factor got kicked off the air for Donkey Kong.

Bird spit is not far off, bro. It's not far off. Like, Lauren the Bar is going to have to i'm surprised lauren the bar could post that on instagram it really they really have a problem with like like spit and pee and poop and like bodily functions and shit i think you have vips you you've crossed the line you've crossed the line 100% cross the line i knew it. All right. Am I the asshole? And speaking of crossing the line, this one, this is a precarious one. This is there's a lot to unpack.

I think we have to be rather careful as we as we go through this one. But it's taken the the it's taken the Internet by storm. So am I the asshole? My wife is a 35 year old female police officer. She recently confessed to me that she had sex with someone while working undercover. I 37 male. I'm unsure on how to process this. Okay. My wife and I have been together for 12 years. She was already working in the force when we met. I never had an issue with it. Eventually she moved to undercover work. Again, I had no issue as she was still home at the same time every day seven years ago she was asked to do longer term work she'd likely be away for a

little over a month we discussed it and i wasn't comfortable with it but i agreed seeing as i was part of her career that time passed without any major event and then it was the last time she ever did that recently she told me she needed to confess something she told me that during the course of her work she had sex with a man three times once it was just oral and the other two times they had penetrative sex too they did not use condoms but she insists she took measures to ensure she wasn't pregnant and had herself tested long before her and i did anything she says it was necessary every time and it was necessary to maintain her cover. I wasn't and I'm still not really sure how to process this. She insists it was necessary as part of her work

and I understand that and I do believe her. She's never been unfaithful before. That being said, I'm still very uncomfortable. I asked her if she had feelings or attraction or anything like that. She said she found him attractive but insists that she didn't have any real feelings. We haven't discussed it too much since. She brought it up a few nights ago, but I asked her to give me more time.

Currently, I'm leaning towards a divorce. I feel awful as I love her. I know she loves me and we have a good marriage, but I don't think this is something I can get past. Am I the asshole for doing this? Few extra things. She says that she was not in danger, just that her job was. She claims to have not She claims

not to have enjoyed giving oral sex and she said the first time she actually had sex with him she was too nervous to feel much but she did let it slip that she enjoyed the third and final encounter enough to orgasm. What did I just say about telling the truth? What did I just say?

Like, even, okay, this sounds like something she had to get off her chest. You don't need to tell me you came. You do not need to tell me that the man you fucked undercover made you cum. I mean, what is this girl? Like she said, it wasn't because she was feeling a pic it was just stimulation it was just because he was feverishly rubbing my clit it's not that i loved him honey it was that he was just hitting my g spot and i couldn't help it i was gushing everywhere but nothing no feelings like you didn't need to tell me that hon so i'm happy for you babe I'm glad you got one nut out there.

Okay, let me just say this. Just to kind of cover our grounds, our bases here. If it's all true and all that, that's a pretty, like, harrowing experience to have to go through. It's basically like getting raped. So if you take it at face value, that's a really fucking shitty position for her to be in to have – like if she didn't want to have sex with a guy and did it because she felt like she had to for her job. Eventually she starts cumming. It sounds like maybe she can do it. But again, just some stimulation.

But I don't know. I feel super skeptical about this whole thing. What do you mean? I believe her wholeheartedly. Yeah, I don't. Yeah, and I don't think – like I would be like, good work, babe. But yeah, I think I wouldn't care at all. Oh, my God.

You're crazy. I think – You're crazy. God willing, I never run into this situation. That's why I stay and keep my girlfriends off the force. But like I think I'd be like, yeah, you were undercover. I get it. I think I would be like yeah you were undercover i get it i think i think i would like you were a different person and throw that out there oh and then i mean i start using it at night i'm a werewolf during during full moons i'm a different man and

i just had to i had to live, really. I don't know. Well, first of all, even if it was all. Would you rather her confess that she fucked a guy three times, sucked his dick, fucked him, came, or that she killed somebody? She's like, I. Oh, undercover, like as a police officer? Yeah. Yeah, killed somebody. No doubt. She's like, but like. Like he was Like, as a police officer? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I killed somebody. No doubt.

She's like, but like... Like he was innocent? Like I murdered him in full blood? No, like some Hell's Angels shit. Like, yeah, like they made me just beat the shit out of a guy, a random guy, until he was dead. They had to to maintain my cover. This is a great question, because if I'm being dead honest, I'm taking the murder. Really?

I don't want to think about my girl sucking some drug dealer's dick. Some biker gang guy making her cum through stimulation. I'm just fucking picturing her like the Punisher. Like John Barenthal. It's fucking like a skull cracking under her fist. She gets up and she's fucking stomping his head. She was beating him with that pipe from Sons of Antwerp. She just, pow, opened the back of the skull.

I honestly, now, okay, you can picture that. Or you can picture that with like piles of cocaine and strippers around fucking Tony Montana while she's getting gang banged by the whole fucking biker gang. She was sucking a little dick, Rapper Boy style. No way. There's some badass fucking like confident, cocky, drug lord, mafioso criminal who fucked your girl's brains out that you and your little fucking insurance salesman life could never, you could never live up to it.

And now you've got to think about every day for the last seven years, she's probably been thinking about the time that she sucked his dick, she fucked him another time, and the third time she came. All over and over and over again. Yeah, that's who gave me the roadmap, how to make her cum finally. So what did he do? I think I would be able to be like- Tell me in exact detail how he made you come.

Write it out if you could. Was it counterclockwise or clockwise? How did your wife tell you about the time she came while cheating on you? You're in the corner just taking notes. So you did what then? It was a swirl. It was a swirl and then the thumb. Okay.

You liked the thing on the couch. I never thought it was that flexible. Well, give it a try, sure. Oh, a mirror. Yeah. Okay. See, I would think I would be much more prone to believe that undercover there was a situation where it was like it was him or me and I had to beat him to death. Versus, like,

I had to suck that guy's dick. I just don't believe it. I think she wanted to suck that guy's dick. I demand to know who it was, and I'm like, that's stolen out the door. I'm going to fuck his wife. Knock on the drug dealer's door. I mean, tit for tat. I'm just working. Yeah, he fucked my wife. I demand record.

I confess. It's like, what? My wife's an undercover cop. Seven years ago. We live over down the street. You know about a sicko gas station over on East 3rd? Yeah, we live over there.

My wife's an undercover agent. She's got a bunch of shit on you. Anyway, she sucked your dick to get all that. And by the way, you're under arrest. But also, you sucked your dick,

you fucked her a second time, and the third time you made her cum. Get out of the way. Where's your wife in a nightgown? I've seen movies before. I know how drunk he was. Why is he walking around? I feel like even if it is all legit, I don't know.

I think I'm just going to be a child about this one. I'm just going to be like, well, I'm just not going to stop thinking about you sucking that guy's dick. Yeah. Also, if we're giving honest advice here, I don't think anyone's the asshole. I think she did what she had to do for a job. I think if your wife's going undercover, you're probably like, she's probably going to do some shit. It's undercover for a reason. Yeah.

She's not working undercover at fucking Abercrombie and Fitch. She's working undercover in the fucking seedy underworld of life. Yeah. Yeah, she's probably going to do some fucking shit. So I would just say once my wife asked me if she could go undercover, I'd say no.

Hate to be a stick right here, babe, but no, you don't get to be undercover. I'd be like, you can go undercover, but we are like, we're not dating anymore. You know,

like I'm not telling you not to. But your wife, you don't get to be like, we're not dating. Yeah, I'd be like, we're getting a divorce. Yeah.

So that's what, I mean, that's basically what no means. Yeah. Like, well, if you still go, you're in divorce. Yeah, I'm not gonna, we're getting a divorce Yeah, so that's basically what no means Like, well, if you still go, you're getting a divorce Yeah, I'm not going to forbid you to do anything But I'm just going to make my choice here And I don't want to deal with that shit And I don't want you coming home and seven years later You tell me that you sucked a guy's dick

And on the third time you came Murdered a homeless guy in a gas station bathroom That I'm okay with That I'm good with It was him or me, hon. That's fine, but I just didn't need you to... What if she made him eat her pussy first? Like, here's the thing.

If you're undercover and you're sucking somebody's dick, you're still, like, you get into it. You get into it. She likes it. Well, she's undercover. She doesn't want to be found out. That's what I mean. So she's like giving a hell of a performance.

You're a narc. That ain't deep enough. That ain't sloppy enough. You're a fucking, you're 12. And I also feel like I would be like, oh, so you have normal sex with me and you have undercover sex with him. You have mafia sex with him. It would just – even if it is all legit and for whatever reason I just feel skeptical about the whole thing, I think this girl just fucked some guy seven years ago and pinned –

like she went on one undercover trip once and that was it. Like you went on a month-long fucking vacation to blow that guy and come on the third time. You had a month-long affair that involved one orgasm and come on the third time you had a month-long affair that involved one orgasm and one blow job and a second time in the middle uh but but uh like who you do that i went undercover once i had to fuck a guy and then it never happened again i'm not buying any crack the case in a month i've seen movies i was gonna say the undercover takes years long time and then and then donnie brasco and if you're fucking this guy you don't just I'm not buying any of this. You crack the case in a month. I've seen movies. I was going to say. Anything undercover takes years. Years. Long time.

I've seen Donnie Brasco. And if you're fucking this guy, you don't just disappear after a month. He'd be like, where was that chick who fucking sucks my dick? Where'd she go? You know the one that I made come on the third time. Where is she? She's gone? It's only been a month.

She must have been a cop. I mean, come on. But I think you're well within your rights to be like, um, like there are certain things where it's like, I'm not saying that it's like, right. I'm just telling you, I'm being honest about like, this is going to eat at me for the rest of my life. So I know you were undercover. I know you were doing your job.

I'm not saying what you did was wrong. I'm telling you that now that I know this because you told the truth, uh, it's going to eat at me for the rest of my life. And so, you know, it was basically like it was eating at her. She had to tell the truth. Now it's eating at me. So you just passed your fucking. I have to speak my truth.

Right. You passed it on to me. And now I can't handle that anymore. So why don't you go suck Scarface's dick a few more times? Okay? Idiot. Tell the truth on that one. What are you, some sort of fucking buffoon?

All right. Am I the asshole? Number two. one what are you some sort of fucking buffoon all right am i the asshole number two uh am i the asshole for speaking out over my girlfriend's zoom call with her boss to say that she's lying about drugs when she is studying to be a social worker for people with addictions my girlfriend is studying to get a master's in social work and has done some work already with addictions. My girlfriend is studying to get a master's in social work. And has done some work already with addictions. And wants that to be her work when she graduates this year. But she sure has done drugs before.

And I have seen it. No judgment. So have I. But today she was lying. And I saw it. She was in a call with I think her main supervisor. Maybe other people too. They were talking about psychedelic use in our town.

And asking questions, and my girlfriend was responding along the lines with, oh, that's interesting, I didn't know that. And I started laughing because she definitely does know about that casual psych use in this area, like we used to do it together. She motioned me to be quiet, but as she kept speaking, it was clear she was straight up lying, pretending that she never does this, even though that's literally what the meeting was talking about. And I think it seems unethical

overall. So while she was talking, I came over and I said, quote, what do you want me to do with the shrooms you have left over, honey? And anyway, she actually left her meeting and lost her shit at me and then went back in just making excuses and lying as before. Is it an asshole thing for her to be lying at her job or is it me for sharing her private life to her boss to prove a point? This might be the most clear-cut one we've ever had. This guy is the biggest asshole that has ever existed. Bro, I thought she was a fucking heroin addict. No. Who, like, worked on patients. She popped some shrooms every now and then. And she's, like, it's just, like, unhealthy.

Yeah. Like, scary. Like, it's not good to work, like, to perform surgeries while high on Oxy. No. But, like, she took a few shrooms at one point in her life, and you're gonna fucking... And also, by the way, if, like, if the fucking teacher cares, he's a fucking asshole, too. Yeah, yeah. But, like, it is...

I mean, this is... Yeah, bro, You are the biggest Douchebag Loser Piece of shit Who's ever existed Do you believe That there are people

Out there Who like He thought Like alright Let me take this To the internet To find out You know

Like he had enough Of an inkling To go to Am I the asshole But not enough To just be like Yeah that was a Fucking dickhead

Narc move Yeah I'm probably The asshole here For me to just Trash this girl's Career And like ruin her prospects that she's studying for all because i think it's unethical that she like tells a white lie to

her boss and again telling the truth fucking insane yeah i don't i don't care if you tell me the truth the uh what movie is that people in their obsession with the truth oh damn it new girl when winston picks up uh what's the guy's name, the radio guy? You remember Nick? Who he works for? The guy, him and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Joe. Joe something.

I forget. But anyway, he picks him up outside, like, this fucking, like, he's, like, outside a bar, hiding in trash. And he's, like, got, like, weird shirt on, and he's got a Hawaiian shirt on, and, like, fucking Crocs. You know, he's not wearing shoes or whatever. And he runs, and he jumps in the car. And then he's like, drive shirt on, a Hawaiian shirt on, fucking Crocs. He's not wearing shoes or whatever. He runs and he jumps in the car. And he's like, drive, drive, drive. I said, what's going on, Joe? He's like, what do you think is going on? I goes, just give me a chance to lie to me, Joe.

That's all I'm doing. Just give me an opportunity to lie to me. Right. Letting someone have a lie is one of the most important qualities a person can have. Yes. Just let them have it. Yes. There are plenty of times I know someone's lying to me.

Okay. Dude, I love it. I'm going to let you have that lie in bad trip uh we got eric andre coming up later in the show there's a scene where the the car blows up and they're talking to like and they're like man the car is stolen and the dude's like don't tell them that yeah you just do not need to tell them that that car's stolen you just don't need to there's just no reason to do it there's just no reason to blow up this girl's spot on her work call just because she wants pop shrooms with you. I mean, this guy has, you know what I'm thinking?

You know what I'm picturing? The bad guy in Van Wilder. That guy. Oh, it looks like Sean William Scott, but it's not. Yeah, he's just got the comb over and then he fucks the other girl and he's just the worst. And luckily this guy's such a fucking loser with that comment he made on the zoom that his girlfriend can probably play it off like it was a joke he's like yeah

hey honey what are you gonna do with this room isn't that funny i have the biggest loser fucking boyfriend he can't even be remotely funny i apologize whatever you know what she needs she needs to go undercover and suck some guy's dick go undercover in a drug operation come on the third time last one am i the asshole for not allowing my boyfriend's kids in my apartment? Jesus Christ. 33-year-old female. Been dating my boyfriend. 38-year-old male.

He has two kids. Jesus, this one is going to hit home. Two kids. Eight and 11. And I have none. We live in separate apartments. Even though we have been dating for a year, I only met the kids five months ago. The kids are great.

This is. The kids are great and well-behaved. I really want to take it slow and give it some time before meeting the kids because I didn't want to spook them or for me to be spooked. I had a relationship in the past where the kids were suddenly dumped on me, and I decided to set boundaries when it comes to dating men with kids. There have been a couple times where the BF has the kids and are on my side of town. He calls and said me and the boys are going to come to your apartment to hang out. Every time I have declined, citing the apartment is messy, I'm busy, I don't feel well,

you know, all the excuses that we use to not have sex with you. I don't want the kids hanging out in my apartment. Well, it happened again today. Boyfriend was on my side of town with the kids. They had some time to kill before going back to their mother. The boyfriend calls me up and says he's bringing the kids over to hang out at my place. I tell him that we'll meet at the park and we can hang out there. No biggie.

We all hang out at the park for a bit, drop the kids off at the mother's house. Me and my boyfriend go back to my place. Boyfriend says, I don't understand why the kids can't come over. Instead of just giving excuses like usual, I tell them I just don't want the kids in my apartment. Boyfriend loses it. He yells and cusses at me. He says that not wanting the kids in my apartment hurts his feelings. I get it, but these are my rules and my boundaries, and they're not my kids.

Kids aren't invited or allowed in many public and private places. That includes my apartment. This is my apartment. I decide who's allowed in. Also, he always invites them over. He never asks my permission to me, which is disrespectful, rude, and inconsiderate. It's nothing against the kids. Like I said, they're great.

I just don't want them in my apartment. Personal boundaries. Entitled to come over wherever he's invited. We were both upset. I told him to leave. He did. I'm sure he's going to be pissy about it for days. I mean, I think this is totally fine of her.

I was going to say, Kevin, I'm just going to let you handle this one, bud. Totally fair. This one I will throw. I mean, at the very least, you don't have to be a single dad or anything to know that you have to ask someone if you can come over and if you can bring guests, whether it's you,

my kids, my friends, you know. Right. To just say, like, I'm coming over and I'm bringing Jackie, Nick, and Feidelberg. It's like, well, that might not be cool, and neither is to have an 8-year-old and an 11-year-old boy come over, you know? Also, I feel like any town that says, like, on my side of town or on your side of town. It's not that big of a town. It's a small-ass town.

It's not like you were in Philly, and I'm from New York, and, like, I needed a place to crash. You're on my side of Topeka, and I fucking decided to head over there. What does that mean? And it sounds like she's actually, like, doing this in the most constructive way. She's like, I want this to work. I went through this before in the past. I want the kids to like me. I want to like them.

Here's how we have to ease into it. She should probably do that rather than just being like the apartment's messy. The apartment's dirty. I can't do it. I don't feel well because he's probably like, what the fuck is going on? But if someone said to me, like, I do love you and I do like your kids. I want to I want to get to know them. But we have to do it like the right way because the last time this happened to me it didn't work out

i mean i feel like you have to be like okay or then you're the asshole right so just i the only i would guess like you should you should just be honest about it but i think all of your reasoning is totally fucking fair so i mean yeah bro you got two like two kids that aren't – nobody likes kids that aren't theirs. We have actually two – it's actually pretty – kind of a landmark AITA here. A-I-T-A. And God, that sucks because they're both so similar. With the most obvious asshole and I think probably the most obvious non-asshole. Right, right, right.

It's like, yeah. These are the new barometers for how this shit works. All right, voicemails and then we'll get into our interview with eric andre voicemails today are brought to you by fleishman salon she's so mad at me she's like get in here for a fucking haircut and we just haven't had enough time my hair needs it bad because i've been eating the fleishman gummies and this shit is just growing like a weed it's growing out of control and i can't i can't style it the right way. She's so particular about making sure that the Fleischmann flow looks right because that's what this woman does. She's dedicated to her game.

She's probably more dedicated to hair than anybody is about their particular craft. I think it's like Greg Maddox with pitching and Erica with hair where it's like these people just love what they do. It's the best smelling shampoo. I've been told this by women, that it's the best smelling shampoo. Leave it on their pillow. Let them know what it was. You know what I'm saying?

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How about Casey was rocking the other day, just rocking the sea salt spray. She had her hair all wavy so girls can get down with the sea salt spray or the hair product. Guys and girls can both eat the gummies that has the biotin to help your hair stay healthy and thick and shiny. Guys and girls can use the shampoo. It's a men's salon, but everybody can rock it. If you're a girl, get it for your guy. Because this is something that I don't think a lot of guys think about. Every guy wants nice hair, but they don't think think about what you got to do to have nice hair.

You know, same thing as like my face is so ugly and I don't ever think about like putting the lotion on and cream on and all that stuff. But I do think about my hair. There's plenty of guys who don't. So go ahead and get it for your man. If you're a girl, be like, use this shampoo, use this spray, eat these gummies and use this product and your hair will look better because every guy wants to have good hair. So guys, either wake up and get it for yourself. Girls, go ahead and get it for them. Get it for yourself as well.

And it's something that you need every month, every couple weeks, whatever it is. I've got to say something, too. I don't know what the gummies help with, I think. Maybe it's in my head. Maybe it isn't. Mustache is getting thick. The mustache is kind of starting to rip a bit. The mustache is. It makes sense. I mean, it's hair. Mustache is getting thick. The mustache is kind of starting to rip a bit. The mustache is.

It makes sense. I mean, his hair, it's biotin. It helps everything grow and thicker, you know? Yeah. No, I've been. It's actually not so good, in fact. I've been biting my mustache with food, and it hurts. I just pull the hair.

Okay. We won't talk about that part. We don't need to talk about that part at all. It goes so long. See? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. No goes so long. See? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. No, thank you.

Actually, today, right now, though, the episode of Tom Talks is out with Tom Segura, and he was remarking because, you know, he's one of the guys who, unfortunately, he had to come home. He had to take it down. He shaved his head when he lost his hair, and he was saying, he's like,

I wish I had hair like you. I was like, well, guys out there, you can have long, good hair if you just get ahead of it. Even if you have hair right now, get on the gummies now so you keep what you have, and whatever you do have stays healthy and thick. So go to FleischmannSalon.com and get the bundle because the bundle gives you an additional discount. So right now you can get 20% off when you use the promo code KFC. But if you get the Boys of Summer bundle, which is the sea salt spray and the hair products, you get an additional 15%. Or if you get the We've Got You Covered kit, that's everything. Just get that because you're going to need all this stuff anyway.

You get an additional 15% off on top of the promo code KFC. So go to FleischmannSalon, F-L-E-I-S-C-H-M-A-N, salon.com, promo code KFC for 20% off. Get the bundle for an additional 15% off. Voicemails, what do we got? So, KFC, I got a quick question for you. It's kind of fucked up, but so when people are going to the electric chair, they get like one final meal, but I want to put like a little spin on it, and I want to know, like

if there is one thing in life you got to do like one more time, like why is there going to be the, like, all the alright here's your last chance to do whatever you like one thing you want to do personally I'm probably gonna find like I'm gonna tell my give me like 30 minutes on Pornhub and like let me find like my favorite video and I want to get one last nut off. But let me know. This is such a shitty question because I got nothing. What's the one thing on the planet Earth you love doing and you want to do one last time?

It probably would be something stupid like that. Let me jerk off one more time. I have no hobbies, no skills, no nothing that I enjoy enough to be like, that's it. Let me get on my boat one more time. Let me go fishing one more time. Let me hit on my boat one more time let me let me go fishing one more time let me you know like hit the golf course one i got nothing mine's a no-brainer it's it is uh hockey it's like but you always say this but you never do it but not it's

a very specific hockey it's like i don't want to just play hockey up there and i want to play at my high school rink and um like, have my friends there. And it's, like, on campus. It's not, like, public. Yeah, but you also got to think, like, you're not going to, like, transport back to that time. You're going to be, like, old and out of shape. But, yeah, but we're not, like, playing.

We're just out there, like, talking around, like, just fucking around. And, like, that's so much better to me than, like, we're, like, yeah, we're playing. We'll probably do a little, like, one-on-one shinny or two-on-two shinny, and we'll fuck around a little bit. But, like, it's mostly just kind of, like, just kind of passing and just talking. It's like playing catch in the backyard, only we're on a hot pot on a rink. I think I would.

It's way better. Oh, God, I would do anything to do that right now. I would think I would just, I want to go to, like, you know, one last pub with the sawdust on the floor yeah see like we like down in this we have a beer and a bench and we just kind of like yeah it is it is but i'd rather i want to do that i want give me like an irish bartender some sawdust a beer and a whiskey have a game on and then he's talking to you about like you know something shitty in your life

and you finish that you do the shot and put it down you can kill me now. That's the only thing I've ever done consistently and that's how I'm going out to. Hey KFC fight.

I may come off like an asshole in this but just hear me out. I've been kind of talking to this girl, nothing serious, but we've been hooking up a few times. And each time we've hooked up, I've had to do all the work. Like I'm switching positions. I'm, you know, I'm fingering her i'm like i'm doing

everything i can i bust down moves i do you know i have like i'm working real hard here going down and they're putting on the hard hat going to work this is gonna sound mean but she's kind of lazy there so is it wrong to ask like the girl to like you know help out a little bit because like there's a lot of there's a lot of there's a lot of things that kind of go into it i don't know maybe i'm just being a dick i probably am but no i don't know you're being a dick at all you're being a pussy is what you're being the exact opposite yeah like and i think while i said that we we do most of the work all the time it's like a i think that's okay and b when when when it is her

time to to do her shit like like if if you're good at what you do i don't think you have to do it like for all that long like i still i don't have a problem i think like i said most of the guys will do the work but when girls do their part they do their part you know what i mean so like i think there's a difference between like she just lays there the whole time versus I do most of the work. I don't know if I follow. Like, you can just lay there and it's like you're not into it, you're not good at sex, you're not into it. Okay, okay, I see.

The guy still may do most of the work, but you're into it and, like, still contributing in other ways versus, this girl just sounds like she's a dead fish and she lays there. I mean, it's very easy. You ever carried a couch before? Huh? You? Sure, yeah.

I'm asking anyone on the camera. You ever carried a couch before? Uh-huh. Okay. Before you ask for a break, get a little bit louder with like the... And then you're like, hey, I need a break, I need a break, I need a break. It just kind of lets them know what's coming. So what you do... Start like heavy breathing. Heavy breathing and then you roll over, hey, I need a break. I need a break. I need a break. It just kind of lets them know what's coming. So what you do.

Start the heavy breathing. Heavy breathing. And then you roll over and hit him with a, get on top. Get on top. Yeah, I was going to say, that's where I feel like you can just make these things happen. Yeah. Like, you can be on top. I can, like, I'll grab your fucking hands.

I'll lean back. I'll pull you right fucking up. Like a convertible couch. Like one of those beds that flop out of the fucking wall. Like, you'll be on top and not even realize what just happened. Dude, it's really easy. Yeah. You just fucking carry in a couch method.

Just start letting them know you're getting a little tired. And then once you decide to make the switch, they're like, I understand. I had a feeling this was coming. Or like, you know, in the very beginning, like, you take your pants off, you put your hands behind your head. And then you're in a stalemate. Then you're playing a game of chicken. It's like, I'm not moving.

You got to start your part, you know? I think that there are, but I think it's also, I feel like once you've hooked up with someone long enough where you're like in a relationship, you should probably eventually reach a point where you're like having conversations about sex and what you like and stuff. And then you got to fucking just say it. Yeah. You it yeah you got it yeah at some point if it's just like a hookup a consistent thing i think there are ways in the heat of the moment to to make things apparent and nudge people in the right direction but i think at some point uh if it's a long-term

thing you gotta be like i like i like and yeah that don't don't be like you don't do this enough be like i like when you're on top. I like when you do that thing, because if it's, if it's like accusatory, like you don't ever do this and that's what's never going to happen. Yeah. That's what's never going to happen. That thing you do. Next up.

What's up KFC fights, Jackie. Now that people are getting the vaccine and things are starting to open back up. And it got me thinking about what my goals were like before the pandemic and things are starting to open back up, it got me thinking about what my goals were before the pandemic and what I wanted to pick back up on. And I remember that I told my entire family I was going back to go to grad school. And I put it in the big family group text. I couldn't get out of it. And I was being held accountable.

But then COVID happened. Oh, fuck. So obviously I don't want to go back to grad school. And I feel like COVID makes it acceptable to just be like, oh, well, things change during the pandemic. And no one can really call you out on that. So that got me out of grad school. So I was just curious if COVID.

The world changed. Your priorities changed. What you thought you were going to do before COVID is out the fucking window if you don't want to do it anymore. Yeah, dude. If you do want to do it, then you can say, I'm going right back to where I was. But if you don't want to do it anymore. Yeah. If you do want to do it, then you can say, I'm going right back to where I was. But if you don't want to do it any longer, you have the right to say,

oh, my, like, I see the world totally different now. Yeah. Yeah, I see the world. I don't need to learn Spanish or other Euclid anymore. Right. That would be a glorious waste of time for John to do that. Also, by the way, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, period. Your family in the group chat.

Also, by the way, you fucking lunatic. Six family group chats. No, no. I don't even know, like, I have a phone number of six different family members outside my immediate family. And also these fucking assholes in her family being like, we're holding you to it. By the way, you have, like, everybody knows. That's like, you know, when you're drunk and you say things. You're like, yeah, I'm going to do this one.

I have a friend who says he's going to learn Mandarin. He said that every year for the last 15 years he's never gonna learn mandarin i'm never gonna hold him to it like and if someone would hold you to it with the cake what is it it's his friend's wife she goes back to you she's like larry no matter what don't let me have a second second second slice of cake right right right and she's he's like okay do it and she's like yeah but larry like no right, right. And he's like, okay, do it. And she's like, yeah, but Larry, like, no, I mean, like, let me. He's like, nah, you said no matter what. But if that's what she said, like, hey, I got to go to grad school

and I need you to hold me to it, fine. But if she was just, like, talking, like, hey, you know, I'm thinking about going to grad school. And the family's coming back around being like, I'll remind you that last year in February you said you were going to blah, blah, blah. It's like, well, I'm saying now, go fuck yourself. How about that? Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by NHTSA.

Here's the deal. You should stop because trains can't. Yeah, that's right. Trains can't stop. Have you seen this commercial? You will get hit by a train if you fuck around with trains. This commercial is horrifying. I mean, yeah, people trying to cross over fucking train tracks getting hit by cars they're getting hit by trains horrifying

confirmed it but it's like people it's like it's like trains stop trains will stop they like say whatever it says i think it's like people say trains won't trains won't stop they can and then it's like it's just like a train that breaks on it's like and it's like sparks going everywhere or whatever. And then it zooms out and there's an SUV in front of the train. It's about a mile after they hit you. Right. Right.

After it's way too goddamn late. It doesn't matter if you're running late. It doesn't matter if, you know, you got to get somewhere fast. It doesn't matter if you think you've got a fast car. It doesn't matter if you think you can beat the train. If the thing, if there's no stop signs coming down like the the sun the fucking sun you thought you could be a train you thought you were faster than the train man you thought you were gonna get i mean you gotta be absolutely nuts to like cut it close to the point that you might get hit you

know i consider cutting it close like they're like in sight, let alone like, and you're just like, I got to get there in time. I got to get to the event. I don't know. I've never run into this situation. Never. I mean, I stop when those. No, I mean, I've never run into this situation. I've never seen a train.

A train. You've never been there? Not driving. It happened when I was younger, my parents and stuff. But I don't think I've ever been in the driver's seat when a train passes by. Well, consider yourself lucky because I guess there are people out there who can't control themselves who try to beat the train and they get absolutely clobbered. Even if the emergency guy, even if the conductor hits the emergency brake, it takes, like John

said, over a mile to stop a mile, 5,280 feet later, you are smushed by a locomotive. So, uh, the, even if you see the train, the train can't see you. And even if they do see you, it always ends in disaster. So if the signals are on, the train is on the way, and it can't stop in time. You can stop. The trains can't. Remember that. What do we got?

Yo, what up, KFC fights and fam um just wanted to ask if this is a if this is a messed up rule my girlfriend set up for me we just moved into our first apartment and uh it's a two-bedroom apartment and her and i share a room the other rooms for my mom when she has to come home uh i'm just wondering is is there a rule that says i am not supposed to jerk off in my own room? Because that's a boundary that she has set up for me. And I'm not sure if it's because she thinks I'm spraying a fire hose when she's not around or what's up, but let me know. All right. Thanks. What is the question? He lives in a two bedroombedroom. He lives in the room with his girl. Like the mom lives in the other room or something like that.

But the rule is that he can't jerk off in his own room. And I have never seen someone as emasculated as this. That's insanity. Grow up. Grow up. No, you know what I would do? Grow up and masturbate wherever you want. I was going to say, okay, fine.

I'm not going to masturbate in my room. You're going to come home. I'm going to masturbate on the kitchen counter. I'm tossing fucking, I'm tossing squids on the floor of the fucking kitchen. I'm coming on the TV remote. Gross. You know what? Fine.

I can't jerk off in my own bedroom. I'm in your closet. Right in your high heels. Oh. Eric Andre's on the show Bad Trip is so god damn funny I tweeted this out and I got people being like this advertisement was paid for by Netflix I'm like no no no

this shit is fucking funny there's a scene out of all the craziness they do there's a scene they're pulling into the craziness they do, there's a scene. They're pulling into the restaurant. And again, subtitles really give this one away because you can't see them. It's just a car pulling in and it's filmed from inside the bar. And Eric Andre is like, yo, man, you get that new Wesley Snipes CD? He's like, man, Wesley Snipes don't make music?

Yeah, he does the Blade soundtrack. I mean, out of all the silliness that was the fucking funniest two guys just on a road trip saying dumb shit like that you get that new wesley snipes album uh so that trip is really really so fucking i tell eric i i didn't tell eric that i don't usually get highs he probably just told us like a weird thing i was like so high this is special for me yeah like it's a it's not a regular thing i got high to watch a special it's so fucking funny i will say i i full disclosure there is a scene where he when he when he breaks into the zoo and the gorilla comes on him i was kind of

like all right this is getting fucking silly if you were turned off by that moment like i kind of was i promised you power through it uh tiffany haddish is fucking unbelievable yeah like some of the the ad-libbing and the the uh improv she does where she just like i saw you on facebook talking to them like i mean just things that she keeps the conversation going with these strangers who are she has the hardest job i'd rather like fall off the roof of a bar then have to talk to all the strangers yeah i mean it's it's it's a full movie with a plot and everything as told by pranks with unknowing strangers all across America. It really is kind of like – I mean, we've seen it with Bad Grandpa and other movies before. But to the extent these guys did it, I really think it's like a revolutionary movie.

So Bad Trip is on Amazon. Go watch it. It's like number one ranked on Netflix right now. And Eric Andre is on the show. Brought to you by Truff. We got the Truff hot sauce right now. If you're watching on YouTube, I'm about to break open. This case looks like I'm about to open jewelry, man.

This is like the shiny gold flakes on the nice sleek black box with the three bottles of Truff sauce. We got the black truffle infused hotter sauce. We've got the black truffle infused hot sauce hotter sauce. We've got the black truffle-infused hot sauce. And what's that one, mild, medium? It says mild, I think.

Yeah, so you've got mild, medium, hot, all three levels of truffle hot sauce. I mean, truffle is as affluent as it gets, as classy as it gets. You know truffle these days. It's the new hot ingredient in every flavor out there. And on a nice hot sauce, it gives it some extra flavoring. So you're not just tasting hot, you know. You got some flavoring to go along with your spice and your kick. It's good on anything.

I mean, you could put this on every food under the sun, on your sandwiches, on your chicken, on your sides. I put it on literally everything. It is like I'm like I've turned into on your sides. I put hot sauce on literally everything. It is like I'm like I've turned into like Hillary Clinton. I got hot sauce in my bag. It's luxury hot sauce, so it's that good stuff. And it's got real black truffles. It's got red chili peppers, organic agave nectar, and delicate spices.

So this isn't just, you know, some shitty diner. This is the hot sauce. You pass it to someone, like, this is a hot sauce. I mean, it's got, it's like a thick glass bottle with this fancy top here. I mean, this is, it's got all the extra shit that really makes you realize you're eating classy. So there's a reason why it's taking the internet by storm. Go get yours delivered today. It's American-made made produced in southern california uh

so you can go right now to uh truff.com t-r-u-f-f.com use code kfc and get 15 off site wide plus free shipping it goes well on everything you can get everything uh on the site at that discount when you go to truff.com and use code KFC. Eric Andre on KFC Radio. Monthly meetings. Ow! Fuck! What happened?

I just pinched my... Fuck! God damn it. I think I broke the skin. Fuck, man. I just pinched my finger with my dumbass headphones, and it hurt a lot, man. And it makes me think about you, like, jumping off of roofs and shit. You know, like, hazard of the job here.

I pinched my finger, and it hurts. Eric Andre is, like, getting an actual car crashes. A lot of blood. Yeah. I feel like I just put my hand in the blender at the juice bar, you know? You need it. Yeah. I can't tell.

Are you doing a bit or are you doing a really fucking actually hurt? I thought someone snuck up under the table and stabbed him with the reaction. Come closer to you. Oh, yeah. I mean, you know how, like, you know how some of, like, the littlest things hurt the most, like stubbing your toe

or biting your lip or some shit? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It was one of those. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I feel like you at this point have gone, like, full jackass,

where, like, you've gone through, you know, the craziest of shit. Yeah. So I can't even imagine complaining about this, but whatever, man. What was the – Those guys have gotten really, really, really hurt. Yeah, they're – They've gotten like for real hurt.

I've like put my hand through glass and stuff, but – I don't know, man. I've seen a kid put his hand through glass once. That's just dangerous. We had to take him to the hospital right away. I don't know, though. I've seen a kid put his hand through glass once. That's just dangerous. We had to take him to the hospital right away. I don't know, though. I feel like you're selling yourself short here.

Maybe you're not like Steve-O in his prime drug years. If you're watching on YouTube. It plays every single time. Every time. Just move your head, though. Always works. Just move your head. Can you see his piece? Oh, blurred out.

What is this? Let me see that fucking hog, bro. What the fuck? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What do you need?

All right. That is horrifying. Hey, there you go. That right there is like the 2020 roundup of just like horrendous human existence right there. Topical. I watched the movie last night, Bad Trip. And I don't even think I knew what I was getting into. You know, I was just like, oh, Eric Andre's new thing is out.

I've been hearing about it for a while now. And I didn't realize we were going down that road of, you know, movie as told through pranks. And it's just one of the funniest formats in the world that only, you know, so few people can really pull off that. And you,

and you did just that. Yeah. Grass. Cause it's, it's, it's very funny. It has several, several really laugh out loud moments.

Thank you. Appreciate it. I got, I got like, I got exceptionally high to watch it. Appreciate it. I got exceptionally high to watch it, and I was losing my breath laughing. And I'll tell you what, you're lucky you're on this goddamn show

because if you weren't, I wouldn't have ever watched it because I boycott Netflix number ones usually, and you've had that spot down for like four days. Really? Yeah. Why is that your stand? that because if i wasn't there on opening night i don't want to be late to the party if like people are really talking about some show i'm like fuck it i'm not watching i don't care you are such a goddamn asshole if i

wasn't part of making it number one i don't want to be a part of it if i wasn't ahead telling people like you gotta watch this then fuck it i don watch this well i also feel like sometimes that that netflix algorithm is like i see what's number one and i'm like no fucking way that's number one get out of here you know i don't know if someone's getting paid off or what but i saw this at number one i was like oh that checks out because this shit is it's next level funny where like i said only a couple people on like the planet can do it what was the uh and and it has been you know you've done a couple other interviews with us pushing your show and other stuff and this was always in the background always like in the works happening how long ago did you start filming this we filmed um 2016 17, and 18. We started October 2016 into February 2017.

Then we edited the majority of the movie. Then I guess it took us a year and a half to do reshoots. That doesn't make any sense. No, I think it was because Rel's show got picked up for Fox in the middle of all this, so we had to wait an entire season of the show to do the reshoots. We were editing. What do you mean by reshoots? Something like you needed more for the movie?

Reshoots are like the shoots you... You've completed the majority of the movie, and you have a last round of pick-up things to film so that you can complete you know because it's a prank movie it's like

in the early stages it was very kind of like disjointed right you had to like shoot a lot of it edit it shoot a lot of it edit it and then like you had to at the very end we were like all right we have specific like five scenes we need to like connect everything so is that like is the initial process, all right, we have these specific five scenes we need to connect everything.

So is the initial process like, all right, basic idea, two guys take the car, going to go on the trip. And then the rest from there is like, we'll just see what unfolds. Chasing the girl, I guess, was always scripted. And the rest is on the fly. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, each prank you go into, you know the prank you want to pull off and you know the plot point you need to get out of the people so but then within that within each scenario you're you're improvising dude but like i knew like when i sat on the bench when i sat on the bench next to the old old black guy i was like telling him uh i was like talking to that guy for like an hour

just to get him to say hey you know what man go for it if you don't you would have been like woulda coulda shoulda but i talked to him for like an hour and a half until he said that and i was like yes finally my plot point and then i broke out into song and sang and danced on the car god that's crazy i mean that's like that is uh you know it's a funny scene but it is such a quick moment in the movie that to think that you had to do like 90 minutes of like, come on, motherfucker, just say this. It's crazy what goes into it. Every little, even those little in-between scenes was like 12 hours of shooting or something. You know what I mean?

So, yeah, it's pretty crazy. For like seven seconds of screen time sometimes. You would shoot for like hours and hours and hours. I found it to be also, like, such an interesting, like, sociological study about, like, how people react to shit. Who will help, who will snitch, who will... I thought black folks came out looking much better than white folks in this film. so we screened an early version of the movie for sasha baron cohen at his palace we wanted to get advice we had like a rough cut we showed him uh uh you know we needed we wanted advice from the

from the pope of franks and he said and he turned at the end of the movie he looked at us he goes my movies show how shitty rich white people are. Your movies show how beautiful black people and working class people are. Even the girl in the country bar went out of her way to help. I'm like puking all over the place. That girl brings you a drink? That one girl?

What is she doing? Crazy, man. He's like, you are going to unite working class Americans and this movie will heal America. Obviously, the worst person in the movie is the guy

golfing. He was the one right away. If two dudes came up to me, I don't care if I'm having the round of my life. Two dudes come up to me with their dicks stuck in a Chinese finger trap. I'm not fucking taking a swing until I help these fellas out. I'll get my keys out.

That's the golf culture for you though, dude. Nothing comes between them and their round. To be fair, the next guy pulled a knife out on him. The golfer has some competition with the barber. The golfer and the barber were not... The barber, you were stepping on that man's toes

in the middle of his business day. This guy, you got your day off. You got all the time in the world to help two guys get their dicks free. That's true. That's true. You got a point. You got a valid point. I love my two favorite people were the guy who helped you out after the car crashed. The guy who kind of kept

breaking up the fight in the peace necklace. I thought he was great. Yes. Oh my god. The guy kind of kept breaking up the fight in the peace necklace. I thought he was great. I think, yes. Oh my God. The guy was an angel. I think,

yeah, I think the post scene, you were like, you're like, or not the post scene, the post title or whatever, post credits. You were like,

you're a goddamn hero, man. Like he was like, yeah, like he should, he should be like, he should do like couples counseling, like family therapy. He should be like a counseling, like family therapy.

He should be like a family therapist or like a life coach. And then Jackie and Trent. He's just like a rando. Jackie and Trent was a real life. Yes. She's going to be like a Hollywood star, I think. She was unbelievable. Star of the show. Unreal.

How does that – do you – I will say I also like the waitress in the diner that was like – she said she had sex with all genders and genres. I think she's a low-key breakout star. You know who sucked? It was just like the middle-aged white guy in the donut shop who was like laughing and chuckling. He's like, they must be like idiots.

It's just like being such a judgy little break. I didn't think he sucked. I thought he was earnestly himself. Yeah, I mean, he was enjoying himself, but he was like, they must feel like idiots. Like when Tiffany stole the cop car But he was like, oh, they must feel like idiots. Like when Tiffany stole the cop car. He was like, oh, he must feel like an idiot. I was like, that's just such a classic white suburban dad thing.

I thought Tiffany had the hardest job. Tiffany did work. Was that just long enough ago that she had not fully blown up? Or is it one of those things where people just don't make the connection? She had just done Girls Trip the connection she she had just done girls trip and she was she was on the rise so she was pretty famous famous enough that we had to disguise her with the face tattoos and the cornrows and the and the you know we dressed her like a construction worker yeah um but i feel like her voice and everything is so recognizable but i

guess if i if that happened on the street i would wouldn't be like, wait a minute, you're Tiffany Haddish. Yeah, and we would kind of avoid our demographics, and we would kind of like – you kind of like blindside people with pranks. So you establish normalcy, normalcy, normalcy. They're not anticipating Tiffany Haddish is about to walk up to me at a donut shop with cornrows and face tattoos and steal a cop car. You know what I mean? It's so bizarre and abstract and absurd. I don't think people are putting – Every once in a while we would get busted filming, but we kind of had it down to the science.

Have you ever had like great film up until someone and you're like, oh shit, we lose it all now? It wasn't too bad. We had it down to a science where – so we had a code word. We had a few code words on set. My code word for I'm about to get murdered was popcorn. That was my safe word. Yeah, but you almost fucking missed it. What did you say?

Yeah, I kept fucking it up. You're like, butterscotch, butterscotch, whatever, man. I don't have an eye. Yeah, I was like, Rumpelstiltskin. Picket a blanket. Guy's chasing you out have a guy. Yeah, I was like, Rumpelstiltskin. Picking a blanket. Guy's chasing you out of a bar. You're like, you clearly know what word I'm trying to say. Get the fuck out of here.

But the word for, you call them looky-loos, people that are like bogeys, people that are about to like walk into the scene and fucking out and call me out. I'd be like, oh, I'm about to ruin it like yeah so we would our code word was phyllis i would go if i saw like a college kid or a skateboarder like basically like a douchebag white kid that's the code so like yeah if i saw like what it was clearly one of my fans approaching on the peripheral i you know we all are mic'd up we have hidden loft mics under our wardrobe so i could go into my wardrobe and go oh my friend phyllis is here in the green shirt and a pa would run up to the kid kind of intercept

them and go hey you know what we're doing here right now and the kid would go oh okay yeah yeah yeah and be like why don't you walk out of frame and get this way so we had like a team of pas and my stunt coordinator kind of intercepting any any looky-loos and um yeah we had it down to a science pretty early on we knew we needed to and you know i didn't like i usually wear my hair like this the haircut helped a little bit the dorky gap like old navy clearance clothes that rel and i were wearing helped you know we weren't all like our characters weren't all styled out and decked out what about when you're looking for the look you lose you ever like point someone out and they're like i

don't even know who the fuck that guy is like well i'll do that like in a bar sometimes so i'm like i'm okay man what's up like Hi. I was looking for you, dude. You know, my brain is split in like 50 directions while I'm like, I'm like having to perform, look out for bogeys, you know, prank the person, deliver a plot point, get them to say a plot point. So like, I, it was just kind of a split second decision. Like Phyllis is coming in the green shirt. Then I go back to the prank. So I wasn i wasn't like hmm i wonder if he did recognize

me or not i'm like i'm like shit i gotta put my hand in the blender right when maria leaves and this lady's still on the hook and i got it you know what i mean so i would it would just be like safer to like if i saw a kid that looked like he could be in odd future i was like he watches better like he watches adult swim yeah yeah i was like you do recognize me he watches better sex and sorry adult swim yeah yeah like get him out of here like get him out of here you notice throughout the movie like a lot of the people we prank are like moms over 45 yes because that's my sweet spot because they have no clue who the fuck i am and they've never seen get out so they don't know who rel is so like mom mom like tired working class moms over 45 like that was our bread and butter like the lady that handed me the beer while i was puking

at the bar like that's one of the most that's one of the craziest things i've ever seen a human do i would do that if you're exploding with vomit no fucking way man do you um how does it work with like the places of like the businesses like do you rent those out for a day do you do you talk to the bar the juice bar yeah exactly if you are shooting a hidden camera prank in an interior location you have to get permission from the location legally because it's a private, it's private property. So, and, and just production wise, you have to like, like the first six hours of the morning is just the art department and the camera department building hide. So they build these like fake walls with two way mirrors and it's like a CIA

thing. It's like a CIA operation. Right? So we go into a location in the morning, we build these, all these fake walls that the camera sit in for hours with like two-way mirrors on them so you'll never like look at a mirror the same way again yeah when you're on a hitting after you're like doing a hidden camera movie because like behind each mirror and faux wall is a is a just a jabron with a giant camera like hiding there for 17 hours waiting for people to come in. So you've got to get permission from the, uh,

you got to get permission from the owner of the business, but they're not the ones on camera being pranked. We don't show, we're just showing like the customers being pranked or if it's a prank on the employees, we'll show, you know, we'll tell them not to tell what we tell the boss,

not to tell the employees. So we're not, those people never appear. So a boss never appear on boss to tell the employees so we're not those people never that's funny so boss never appear on boss just throws the employees under the bus like it's gonna be a fucking wild day for you at work steve yeah yeah if it's like a boss that has a sense of humor and also we pay them yeah we give them yeah we give them a big chunk of change at the top of the day so yeah um they're looking to make a quick buck and they have a sense of humor and they're like hell yeah i want to be on a prank movie.

That sounds awesome. Yeah. That's kind of how you do it. For the outside, for the interior locations. For outside, you can just run and gun. I'm going to be walking at the subway, like knocking on the walls, like put my ear up to it. Like, no, I know what's going on here. I see what's happening here, dude.

And it does, it comes, I can imagine when you're like a regular actor on a regular film, you like nail a scene and you have this sense of like accomplishment. But when you pull off some shit like this and you get the guy to say what you need and you get the good reaction and you get the people running in fear, whatever, it's got to feel fucking incredible. Be like we just pulled off the ultimate scene without anybody even know, you know, it's incredible. Yeah. And I mean, you know, it is like a sport where you don't always succeed. I'd say like 80% of the stuff that we filmed never will see the light of day. That's some golf. It's a sport of failure.

It's a hidden camera. Yeah. Yeah. So like the final cut of the movie, that's like the top 10, 15% stuff we filmed, you know, it's stuff like pranks fall apart all the time. Do you release that ever?

Is that like a DVD extra thing or something like that or no? Yeah. We have a few, the biggest heartbreak is we did a prank with Chris rock and the person recognized Chris rock right away. They were like, yeah, you're doing a prank thing.

That's Chris Rock. Yeah, Chris might be a little too. Incredibly famous. Yeah. That's Obama, dude. I was going to say, you're doing Obama next time. Clearly the former president of the United States, dude. That's Oprah, man.

I know. I can tell. I mean, I feel like every time we talk, though. Yeah, it was like that. Every time we talk, it's, another year gone by or whatever. And I feel like you've always mentioned that. I think as you get more and more popular, you do have to worry more and more. And so now, like, you know, now you're targeting 45 year old moms or whatever it is. Do you ever worry that there's just going to be a point where it's like like as you succeed more, which is a good thing, of makes your job harder too it's like fuck i'm that much more famous now this year my friend said

something that i was like it's gonna be okay he goes think about how how successful just the first borat movie was i remember where i was like 23 years old watching that. The success of that, it made 200 million bucks at the box office. Yeah. Borat was such a huge international success. Three years later, he did Bruno with no problem. And all he did was change his haircut, change his outfit,

change his accent. He didn't have even any prosthetic makeup or anything. He was able to do Bruno right on the heels of bora so the fact that a haircut a wardrobe change and an accent change just can throw so many people off the scent um i think that there's there's hope for my prank future yeah i guess i even talked to a good i was just saying i even talked to a um effects team, the team that did Bad Grandpa. That's another example, like Knoxville, super famous, but he was able to shoot Bad Grandpa because he just put special effects makeup on so like it's some combination of special effects makeup or um you know a haircut

wardrobe change my accent my body language change you know you can throw enough people off the scent where you can make an entire movie or series it makes you think that the people who used to get so mad and probably still do about superman being clark kent and like you'd be able to tell he's just wearing glasses I don't know he did his hair a little different put on glasses and a suit I think it's more psychological where it's like first of all there's just so many people so in the world today you know

so as famous as you might get there's still gonna be people who are like who's Michael Jordan I don't know and I think you know the idea of like if it was happening to me I think I would just be like there's no way that like I'm in the Eric Andre show right now. So like maybe it feels like that, but I don't think I'd ever like really speak up and pull the trigger because it's just like no fucking chance. But but yeah.

Also, you're gonna have to find a new demographic, though, because I was walking to work this morning talking to my mom. It's the only time I talk is walks to work to or from. And I was telling her about that, about the movie we watched last night and she's like oh i was she watches shameless on netflix right now she's like oh i was watching shameless and i saw that on like the home page polly's gonna watch and i was telling her about the scene with the soldier and she was dying did you did you quote it directly to her? Yeah. Suck my dick and try to kill me and ask me to kill you?

Dude, I was, as I saw you walking up to that, I was like, like you said, I was like high in bed. I was like curling into a ball going, oh, no, no, no, no. And then he started talking to you. Just put me on the front lines and bomb the shit on me. I was – Like, just send me to Vietnam or whatever. When he says, look, man, we all fall on hard times, but you met me five minutes ago and you offered to suck my dick and asked me to kill you. How do you keep your face straight in a moment like that that that to me i mean no matter how much of a professional i am i feel like i would

lose it at that line i mean i was so happy that those words were falling out of his mouth that i knew i knew i had to like not say too I was like, don't step on his lines. He's giving you perfect. He's giving you gold. And if you see me in that scene, I'm just going, yeah, yeah, you're right. Like, yeah, I fucked up. I shouldn't have offered to suck your dick for you to kill me. That's a weird suicide barter.

So happy that he was saying that. And he was another guy that was just such a good Samaritan. He was just a good guy. I would call the cops and be like, get the fuck away from me really, really fast. And he was like, I thought the scene was going to be that he gets you signed up right away. Like, he gets you on a bus to fucking Camp La Jolla fast. He's like, oh man, I got a bonus coming this year. He was incredible.

Even like the end, the vape, like the vape was perfect. He was... Oh yeah. He's a fucking perfect... Huge stress vape. Yeah. He's a fucking pervert. Huge stress, babe. I feel like I would be, who would you be in one of those situations? Like, like, like in very early, I think when you're doing the first like musical number, there's that old white guy kind of donkey kicks you.

He's like, get the fuck away from me. And he just like launches a back kick. I feel like I'd be that guy. And someone was running up on me at the mall a couple times. Get the fuck out of here. I don't like this. Whatever it is, stop. Yeah, I think I would be more liable to be like, get the fuck away. I think I would help an escapee.

I think I would be like, get the fuck away on like a dancer. But like if you were like, if the Dick in a Chinese trap, I'd help. You'd help. I'd help at all. I know how harrowing that must be. Like, look, it's happened to me a million times. That would be... I think I would help in most of the situations.

Would you help in a clearly illegal situation? Like when Tiffany Haddish is like, Thanks, man. You are an accomplice to me. Thank you for helping me you are doing something illegal man thank you i would be yeah i'd be a lot more afraid of that fucking person yeah it probably wouldn't be out of the goodness of my heart probably like i'm more scared of them than like i don't know the police being like you you're in trouble yeah

yeah i don't get the fuck i'd be the same way like don't come near me don't come near me just get the fuck out of here. Right. You better run. You better run. I almost thought for a second that guy was scripted when he said, what would I do? Give him my vest? I was like, oh, my God. Give her my vest? We were dying.

So we were like, we're all hiding in me and my director and my producers, we're all hiding in like a Dodge minivan, like across the street with tinted windows, watching it all go down on the monitors. And we hear, you know, Tiffany's microphone in our ear. And we were dying laughing. So we were like dying laughing in this minivan, sweating bullets. But like, we can't laugh too loud or the person will hear us. So we're like dying laughing and everyone's like, shut the fuck up. It's incredible. Oh, my God.

That guy was gold. That guy was incredible. Everyone was. It's such a good movie. And I had no idea what to expect going into it. I was probably hoping to hate it because it was number one and I didn't see it first. But I was fucking, God damn, it's such a good movie so what was that moment like

so you invite Sasha Baron over to your house to screen it you go to his house to screen it no we went to well he has a much nicer house

yeah I'd imagine he's not going to your house yeah imagine that hey Sasha you wanna come over it's like how about you guys

come over here pop in the bean bag over there Sasha you want some hot pockets uh yeah we definitely went to his spot it was um no i i don't know i think just i i i that's just respect you know like we need we need help we need to help man like you're the guru like tell us how to um to to fix some issues you know and he because we we were kind of like you need like an outside perspective every once in a while you're in the editing bay all day toiling with stuff you kind of start losing perspective in there and you need like fresh

eyes so and and like there's no greater source so we just went over this house got a couple bottles of wine got them all boozed up sauced up made some popcorn and um yeah and he just gave us little nuggets of wisdom that's awesome i mean he's he's really like he's a magician i mean he's david copperfield he had like he told us some shit for bruno about like finding a terrorist to interview he was like i knew i wanted to interview a terrorist and he was calling all these like not secret service of the united states but like all these like highfalutin like security teams like how do i find a terrorist and they were like get the fuck lose my number yeah we're not finding like isis and al-qaeda for you to interview

no it's a prank i want to prank al-qaeda they're like oh even more so yeah yeah that's wild man yeah he it's funny to think that there is really like a fucking nut artwork to it there's an art form to it that's not just like like i think you guys just have you have like crazy balls you know you'll jump off of shit you'll put your body in harm's way you have the like ability to not laugh and have no shame and put yourself but then there's also i'd imagine you know there's there's more to it where it's like here's how you talk and here's how you approach and all that shit where i think that gets probably taken for granted, right? Yeah, I mean, it took me a while to figure it out.

I mean, really, you know, our head producer was Jeff Tremaine and he directed all the Jackass movies, co-created Jackass. I mean, he is the he's the he was our mentor shepherd throughout the whole process and he really knew he had 20 plus years experience over us and he really knew the game of like getting people establishing normalcy getting people on the hook getting people to sympathize also if you can get their first name it like this ratchet ratchets it up so much because if you're like ernesto please help me that's like a total Tremaine Knoxville move. If you watch Bad Grandpa with that in mind, you'll see it. Like Knoxville does it all the time. If a gas station attendant has his name tag, he'll be like,

Julio, please, you got to help me. And you're going to make the person like, shit. Like there's weird little psychological. It's like Neil Strauss' The Game. Remember the book The Game? It's like The Game but not for getting laid, for pranking people. There's a seduction art to it. That's very cool though.

Well, it's awesome, dude. Jeff taught us a ton of little tricks. It's absolutely number one for a reason. Is the Bluetooth working or was the sound all weird and delayed the whole time? It was a little delayed but yeah, no big deal. I could tell there was a weird.

How is this mad better, right? Yeah, no. We probably could have used that about 30 minutes ago. I'll shoot you straight and ruin the whole interview. We actually, it was a disaster at first. We fell into it pretty quick. So we got to it. But at first I was like, what is happening?

I was trying to, I was like, maybe this audio will be better. But I noticed your guys' reactions were all like a second and a half awkwardly late. So I was like, is there like a delay on the Wi-Fi or is it the Bluetooth? I stepped on your toes every single time. I'm glad that we figured it all out at the very end of the interview. The last possible second as the publicist is saying, wrap it up. It was still great stuff, man.

We always appreciate the time. And I'd imagine something that starts in 2016 and having success in 2021 has got to feel very vindicating, very satisfying. So congrats on that, man. Big time. Yeah. Thanks, man thanks for for spreading the word and yeah whatever's uh whatever's next we'll be happy to talk about it so we'll see you soon man awesome sounds good thanks i've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the light. It's only right.

This is the soundtrack to my life. The soundtrack to my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life Uh huh Yeah Uh huh Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah