KFC Radio - Erin Ryan (Always Sunny), Barstool Hunger Games, and Guy Facials

Episode Date: December 18, 2018

Erin Ryan, who wrote the episode of Always Sunny "The Gang Solves The Bathroom Problem" stops by to explain how Sunny is written, Pod Save America, and her own version of the DENNIS system. John went wot The Office Musical, KFC Shazam'd porn music. Voicemails include: Barstool Hunger Games, Girl Crush, Santa Is For Idiots, Song About Sex With My Sister, Guy Facials.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's Monday. I did all my laundry this weekend. So you know I'm wearing a fresh pair of T-Js. Oh, go. I got my T-Js on. I got my T-Js on. And it's the best feeling in the world. It's like zipping up in a fucking sleeping bag or something.

And you're just like all cozy. I was complimented on my Tommy Johns this weekend. Were you? Who saw you in your Tommy Johns? Turns out someone saw me in my underpants this weekend. Holy shit. And honestly, that's the reason why. And it was like, oh, these are very nice underpants. That's the reason why you wear the nice underpants.

Some people, first of all, you got to go into the day thinking there's a chance someone might see my underpants. When there's not a chance, you got to give yourself some hope that Monday morning, by Monday night, maybe someone's going to see my underpants. And so I've got to dress to impress. Otherwise, you're just giving up on life. That's right. So all that confidence that you've got, John, you could give that to another person. You could buy anybody a pair of Tommy Johns, and you're not gifting. You're not giving the gift of underwear.

You're giving the gift of confidence. That's very poetic. Yeah, profound. Sure, poetic, yeah. You want to skimp on your underwear? Anything with a P. You confidence. That's very poetic. Profound. You want to skimp on your underwear? You want to skimp on your underwear? Fine. Go ahead. Do your thing. Be a fucking no confidence loser. I'll be over here wearing the most comfortable underwear

on the planet, brimming with confidence that I'm going to look good for somebody who sees me partially naked. Oh yeah. TommyJohn.com slash KFC. Get 20% off your order. We got a big episode. Erin Ryan will be on the show

later. She is the writer for Always Sunny who wrote the episode that I think is maybe top five ever. The gang solves the bathroom problem. So we got an inside look at how episodes of Always Sunny are written, as well as like her podcast and all the others.

She's like a rival blogger for a long time. So there was a lot. We uncovered a lot. Yeah. I thought we were just going to talk. A borderline enemy. Yeah, right. Yeah, I would say if you've been following Barstool,

when you find out who she was blogging for, you're going to be like, wait, what? And guess what? Just great friends. Yeah. Like, really just real fast friends, really great person. Which just goes to show that all that blog shit, you know, could be someone writing for Deadspin right now. Like, if you actually just stop being a fucking internet loser for a minute, maybe we get along.

I don't know. It seems like a stretch with some people at Deadspin, but you never know. Blog wars, man. Drama all around. So we'll talk a little TV later in the show. We'll get into your voicemails. Obviously, there was one. Number six said, can a guy get a facial?

The answer is yes. Yes. But we will be playing it. I hit a new low this weekend. You did? I actually, I feel like I hit rock bottom as a human this weekend. Why? I don't know.

It was just like emotional rock bottom, I think. Oh. And, yeah, it was an important process. Okay. It was an important part of the process, I feel like, to finally try to come back. But it was dark. I was celebrating Shay's birthday and my dad's birthday. I was doing some family stuff.

And the kids have moved out. And so it's been like know this is the new life now you know so that was tough and but it wasn't as tough as when i was uh i was i was watching porn okay and i stopped paying i stopped paying attention i stopped paying attention to the fucking that was going on because this couple, a new couple I like, by the way, I've moved on from No Face Girl. Who's the couple? No Face Girl, if you don't do anal, I'm going to move on from you. Stop pointing. Be an adult, okay? She's perfect except for that.

It's like, all right, so I moved on. It's this couple. It's called Leo Lulu or something like that. It's a weird name with a bunch of moved on. It's this couple. It's called like Leo Lulu or something like that. It's a weird name with a bunch of L's. I'll find out. I'll report back. You have a great extensive knowledge of the amateur group. The couples are my scene.

And they were fucking with some music on in the background that was like fire that I had never heard before. So I shazammed my porn music. the fuck out which is crazy and like first of all still using shazam i like dusted that baby off i was like i had my iphone i was like get the dust off of my shazam which i know is like the oldest app ever i think it was like the first app of all time to me it is still the greatest technology the world has ever created i agree it's just like boom here's the song it's all time. To me, it is still the greatest technology the world has ever created. I agree with that. It's just like, boom, here's the song. It's like the worst thing in the world is when you hear a song and you can't figure out what it is.

Usually that's like, you heard something on the radio or at a bar or whatever. Well, I did it with my porn. That's... Well, first of all, what's the song? Well, the one song, so actually the real heartbreaker of it all was that my laptop died in the middle of it because I needed to stop watching on my phone, look it up on my laptop so I could Shazam it with my phone.

And then it died. So I only got one done. And it was a fucking rap song by Necro, which I don't know if you know rap. Like Necro is necrophilia. Like he's a fucking hardcore underground rapper. It was just kind of like instrumental. So the beat was hot. When I found out it was Necro, I was like, these two are fucking to Necro?

I love them even more. But I'm going to go back and I'm going to do it tonight because I gave up on my quest. I'm telling you, this soundtrack, these two were fucking to the hottest soundtrack I've ever heard. These beats were banging. I want to watch this video now. Yeah, yeah. I can't be this video now. Yeah, yeah. I'll I can't be like tweeting out porn. I will like go back and I'll

get you like the description and you can go search it on your own. But you know what's funny is I scrolled through the comments. You read the comments on one of them. There was like 267 of them and I was like There were 267 comments? Yes. And I'm telling you

like this happens a lot where like if you watch a YouTube. I wish people could see me right Yes. And I'm telling you, like, this happens a lot where, like, if you watch a YouTube. I wish people could see me right now. Like, I'm, like, I don't even have a microphone in front of me. I'm not just a listener right now. The, like, remember when Yacht Week dropped, like, 10 years ago? And those songs were, like, unbelievably dope. And everyone was like, what's that song from? What's that song from?

I was like, these songs are just interesting enough. Even if you don't like it, you're like, nobody fucks on porn, so this music. So I scrolled, and there was a couple people like, yo, what song is that? What song is that? And one guy actually responded. I can't remember.

It was like a Euro thing, so I don't remember it. But he said like, blah, blah, blah song at the anal part. So I wasn't the only one thinking this way. Alright? But it is a true rock bottom when you are still using Shazam and you are doing it for your porn. That's one of the better

stories you've told recently. That's really fascinating stuff. I loved every second of it. I did it like so earnestly and then after the fact I was like, oh my God, this is going to be a phenomenal story for the show truly rock bottom

so that's where I was at this weekend you were at the office I was I'm wearing the play the office I'm wearing just the worst sweatshirt I mean it is the biggest piece of shit sweatshirt ever coming from a Barstool Sports employee who has peddled some of the worst

apparel of all time throughout our years john's rocking a sweatshirt that he bought out at the live show what's it called like the office on broadway or some shit uh the i'll turn around for you the office a musical parody uh it says it's it's a outline of dwight shrewd it says got beats so shout out to to the got milk slogan from 35 years ago. I think they were using that when Shazam came out and it's completely

off center and crooked. It's insanely off center. It is like someone who was blind made that. It's incomprehensibly off center. How did you put this on a shirt? Unless it was like intentional. Like we're...

I mean, that's why I bought it. It's so bad. It's great, but it's... And Monday morning you were rocking it. It's like when you're a kid you have new clothes to wear. Like I'm, that's why I bought it. It's so bad. It's great. But it's like I don't think Monday morning you were rocking it. It's like when you're a kid, you have new clothes to wear. Like I'm wearing my dumb ass sweatshirt. The office on on. It was so fun.

What was it? Is it actually good or are you just like such an office nut? Like, were you going to like that no matter what? I was I was going to like it no matter what. For sure. But it's I mean, the first I went with enjoyed it immensely as well. Same person that saw you when you were underpants? Everyone who watched this play loved it.

There's no doubt. It wasn't even in a theater. It was so hard to get tickets. I tried to get tickets to the show for like three weeks. I was refreshing StubHub, SeatGeek, Ticketmaster, all like every hour trying to get it because they're not expensive. They're hard to come by. Yeah, they're not very expensive, but it's like

a 70-person theater. It's not even in a theater. It's just on a third floor. Like fold-out chairs? Like an elevator. The pictures you were putting up looked like you were about to be in the show. Like you were about to be on stage. I looked up tickets to Schitt's Creek Live

because that's obviously my new obsession. I wanted four tickets. They were in the upper balcony. They were $400 each in the orchestra section. They were $1,183 a pop. I can't spend five grand on Schitt's Creek Live. That's what the theater life is expensive, man. Yeah, dude.

That's why we will be announcing a live show soon because if that's the the theater life's expensive man yeah dude that's also uh that's why we will be announcing a live show soon because if that's the kind of fucking ticket prices let's go i was just about to say like yeah man the office is like a cult following same thing with schitt's creek people fall in love with these shows and they just want to consume it and man i wish we had one wait a minute wait a minute we could do it too. So, uh, theater life, no fucking joke, man. No,

it's not. Also, by the way, I'm just going to throw this in here. There's like really no connection to this at all. Uh, I took a cab to work this morning and the, the cabbie said that beard looks like it has a lot of pussy miles.

It's apropos of nothing. I just wanted to make sure like other people knew that that was a thing that was said to me this morning you've gotten in on the beard thing and I wasn't sure of it but if someone's giving you pussy miles feedback what did you say back to that I just laughed out loud

you can't play it cool or be like yeah buddy that's right I went and I actually slapped myself in the knee You're not playing cool or be like, yeah, buddy, that's right. I went. And I actually slapped myself in the knee. A knee slap. It was like, that looks like there's a lot of pussy in my house. What a thing to say to somebody at 930 in the morning. Yeah, that fur on your face, that's been buried in a lot of pussy.

That's a pick-me-up. That's a confidence boost. That was great. It was what I needed. I mean, it's the opposite. You don't want to hear the opposite. Like, hey, that beard looks like you. You'll never get any.

Well, we will be talking about guys getting facials. So voicemail time. It's brought to you by Reebok. The latest release, the Aztrek. Portnoy's rocking them. I know. That's crazy. It's crazy.

If Dave's wearing something that we advertise, it's a very big moment. Huge deal. Huge deal. So that tells you how much they've penetrated Barstool. Girls and guys can rock it eight colorways, which is very cool. I like the black. Who does? Rhea.

Yeah. Yep. Yeah. That's a perfect example. Everyone from Dave, 45-year-old man, down to Rhea, a 17-year-old girl. Eight colorways, you can get real cocky with it. There's teal and neon orange if you're so inclined. I rock.

I just stay in my lane with the black and the white. I took a picture of a... Oh, you know what? Actually, I think you're missing one shoe. Ah, shoe? I think Whitney took it. He took one shoe of mine? He was very impressed with them.

And I was like, oh, are you a 10 and a half? And I just threw him one of yours. And I don't think he brought it back. All right. He really liked them. And I think he just kept one. Reebok, send me a left 10 and a half. That's all I need.

I just go black and white. I took a picture of a big stack of my sneakers. They're just like a mess in my room right now. And someone was like, that's the most monotone collection of sneakers I've ever seen. Because it's all just like gray, black, tan. I kind of stay in my lane. Yeah. I'm not rocking the red October Yeezys. I'm not trying to stray too far.

I go black and white with the Aztrex. But if you're younger and you're cocky, you can go teal, orange, all sorts of colorways. And right now, when you go to Reebok.com, you use the promo code Barstool, I'm assuming. It doesn't say anything here. But you get $25 off a future purchase of 50 or more. So go buy the Aztrex at like $80 or something. And then next time at Reebok, when you spend $50, youool. $25 off a future purchase of 50 or more. So go buy the Aztecs. They're like $80 or something. And then next time at Reebok, when you spend $50, you'll get $25 off. Voicemails, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Pause that. This motherfucker. Now, listen. Spaghetti Arms was great. Well, you hated him. But I think he's great in a sense. I didn't hate him.

I mean, you were infuriated. I think it was crazy that a sense. I didn't hate him. I mean, you were infuriated. I think it was crazy that he said that. Yes. And I encouraged caller monikers and nicknames, but it can't be forced. I mean, that was so clearly like, I'm going to try to call him with my own nickname and call myself Turbo Squid. Was that what it was? You did this.

Yeah, I opened up Pandora's box. If you have a natural nickname, fine. Don't just mash two words together. Hey, boys, it's your guy Turbo Squid. So when I was younger, I had this impression that once I left puberty and became an adult, my face would not be as shitty skin-wise. It would just go away. I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

I was obviously misled or lied to because, as you old-ass men know, that's not the case. And girls these days have, like, super complex and in-depth routines they go through, like, every fucking day. You know, my ex-girlfriend had, like, three creams and creams and like a rose hibiscus spray and all this bullshit. But it fucking worked. And she had great skin, looked good. And I was just wondering, what do you think about guys having face routines or fucking like cream routines? I mean, you answered your own question, right? I mean, you don't want to have an ugly fucking face.

There's a way to fix it. Just do it. If it bothers you, if you don't care, okay, whatever. If it bothers you and what you're like afraid to do it because of like stigma or some shit, fucking cares. No, I mean, rock the face mask, put on the cream, wash it with the right wash, whatever. Oh, wait, this is the question. This is the facials question. Oh, wait. This is the question? This is the facials question?

Oh, shit. I did not know we would get that. I didn't put it together. Fuck. Facials. See, porn ruined words. I thought we were going to be talking about something different. So did I.

So did I. And you just sat back and let that unfold the whole I didn't know which direction you guys were going with it I thought you were you were maybe saying absolutely yes guys can get facials the beta boys could certainly be like yes get a good skincare regimen going I mean yeah I that's I don't say it in that tone but uh yes I would absolutely say get a good see I don't really do it anymore like we we, I kind of just fell off it. Well, that's the thing.

It's a, it's a bitch. Exactly. Yeah. It takes a lot of time. So like I, I, the charcoal face mask is one of the most exhilarating feelings in the world.

When you peel that bitch off, I don't even know if they really work, but placebo effect, I'm like, Oh my God, I'm glowing right now. I definitely sit there for 15 minutes a night and just do it. I just give, I'm glowing right now. But I'm not going to sit there for 15 minutes a night and just do it all night.

I didn't stop giving myself facials because of some, I don't know, ode to masculinity. It was just laziness. Well, that's what Turbo Squid here sounds like. Can I do this? If your skin stinks and you don't like that, there's a way to fix it. Go fucking do it, man. First of all, it's also like you just do

that in the privacy you're nobody even has to know but even if they did if it's like pussy you wash your face what the f word alright man whatever the charcoal is what's up I'm a sucker like I bought some charcoal face wash the other day it's just black face wash

I have it's just black soap but I'm like yeah this is what this is. I'm gonna look good now. I do understand what he meant, though. When I was younger, when I was like 12, I'd be like, I can't wait until I'm 15 and don't get pimples anymore. I thought he was gonna say he has bad adult acne

or something like that. If you don't grow out of that fully, I don't know what to tell you. That stinks. Because what he said is true. It's kind of like everyone is like, yeah, this is just a phase. Like, it's going to, it'll go away. And then if it just doesn't, I'd be on that Accutane shit. I don't care how many people I murder.

That shit drives me crazy. Whatever. If I kill myself, if I kill others, as long as those pimples are gone, I'm going to fuck. Worth it. It's definitely worth killing yourself to stop getting acne. Big time worth it. So now answer the other question. Yeah.

So can guys get real facials? Well, first of all, it's 2018. And we're not going to sit here and consider that all men are just straight fucking chicks. So sure. Guys just getting blasted off with dick facials all the time. But can guys get a female facial is the question. Yeah, man. And the answer is if you do it right, if you're trying hard enough.

I mean, Flower Tucci used to waterboard people. Oh, my God. I watched that woman waterboard multiple men. They send her to Guantanamo Bay and they get answers. They get answers out of terrorists of Flower Tucci. Her and who's the other one? Scytheria. Scytheria.

Scytheria knocks the paint off the ceiling, bro. That shit is a, it's not even a fire hose, it's a fire hydrant, man. There were multiple times I watched Scytheria have sex and I thought she died. It looks like, it looks like when Scytheria has sex, it looks like she's going through an exorcism. The power of Christ compels you. Blast it off. She looks like the Dystonia cheerleader. Remember that one?

The old school viral video. The girl can't walk. She has to walk backwards because if she walks forward, her body convulses. That's what Scytheria looks like when she's coming. That girl, man. She takes sex to a whole other level. There were times where I would sometimes you're watching a game and you

yell to a person. I'd be like, help her! Help her, man! Stop doing that to her! Stop making her cum! She's gonna die! She clearly needs help. She's dehydrated first of all. I mean, listen. I used to think that it was just straight pee.

Now I've changed my tune. But that girl, unless she's a goddamn camel, where is this water coming from? How many times can you unload like that? It's crazy. She must be bone dry when she's done fucking. The podcast is over. I'm going to go live Scytheria point. Yeah, listen, everybody pause.

I know what you're doing right now. Go look up Scytheria. The girls are going to be floored. Because guys, most guys know it. Some girls probably know it. A lot of girls are probably going to get introduced to Scytheria right now, and they are never going to be the same.

Can you imagine if you were dating Scytheria, how wildly inconvenient that would be? I mean, if you fuck around with just a regular amount of squirting, it's like laundry and messes. Again, you got to repaint the walls when you're done with her. If I were, I would only wear a condom for sex. I would dress like the New York Islanders mascot and have sex with Scytheria. With Fisherman. I would be full fucking biohazard suit man

they're like like you know like sometimes like you just have sex as you know like you're in the mood like you fall in the mood on the couch and it's like okay we're gonna do that like no we have to go you have to be in a dexter kill room beat me i was gonna say we have to go into dexter's room to have sex got a drape it with the plastic. That must be so frustrating. Can we get Scytheria on the podcast? There's a chance she actually is dead. Scytheria, if you are alive, please come talk to us. I'll put that request in to Kelly. Oh, my God.

Could you imagine Kelly being like, let me get on the phone with Scytheria's people? Whoa, buddy. KFC Radio. Fights to reduce your VC. Just got a quick conundrum for you guys. So I'm going home for Christmas here in a little bit, and I'm going to go see my family and my sister and her boyfriend to come back down to. They just moved out to L.A.

My sister's boyfriend makes music, and he just came out with a new song. And it's actually a banger, Three Fire. But the whole song is about fucking. The whole song is about fucking, pulling your hair, fucking on the wall, stuff like that. I mean, the song is a banger, but I know he's talking about my sister. So I don't know how he's going to feel about it. I don't know how I really feel about it. I know he's going to ask me my opinion on it and all that stuff. And I just want to know what you guys do with my situation.

John, when you just said, oh, my God, there, do you know what it reminded me of? What? In the movie Taken, when the head ringleader realizes that he has Liam Neeson's daughter, and he's genuinely like, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I have a daughter myself. It's not supposed to be this way. I'm sorry.

That was a genuine, like, oh my God. Like, how are you supposed to deal with this i'm sorry that was a genuine like oh my god like how are you supposed to deal with this your sister's boyfriend makes music about like pounding her out who is this guy and if it's a banger like please well you have to share this song and we will play this and if it is a true banger all of kfc radio fans will be listening to the song about your sister getting railed that is that's that's terrible this is the worst that's this is the worst your sister getting railed. That's terrible. This is the worst. Your sister has to be like, yeah, Mike's new song.

Banging on the fucking bathroom floor. Pulling my hair and fucking me against the wall. Yikes. I almost feel like... The boyfriend has to know to not ask you about it. I would sincerely hope. He's going to ask me what I think about it? Don't ask me. This is kind of like us.

I guess. If you're dating someone, everyone was always like, oh my god, what does your father-in-law think? It's kind of like a don't ask, don't tell. Or like, hey, it's creative license and exaggeration or whatever. You could always play. But I would never ask my girlfriend's brother,

what do you think about that podcast? No, no, never, never. So that's what you're saying. You can't, you got to have the wherewithal to bring it up. Painting the walls with her sperm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, we can't. You can't do that.

We know better. So he should know better. Is it called sperm, women? I don't think so. When you said that, I was just going to let it slide. I don't think so at all. Is it, I was just going to let it slide. I don't think so at all. Is it just called female ejaculate?

Just come. It's just definitely not sperm. Sperm. Only men have sperm. Sperm is the fucking tadpole. Very much so, John. Okay. I feel like you should know this. Oh, yeah.

You're wrong. Giving me too much credit. So, and like semen, just men have semen too, right? So, the labia. What's that? All right. All right. Fine.

Learn something new on this podcast. I knew it. It's just called cum. Like it's just women just cum. Squirt. I don't know. Just squirt. What's the technical term?

Probably ejaculate. Female ejaculate. But that's gross. Ejac is a gross word. Do girls have a prostate? Do they have testicles? Anyway, this guy can always play the, I'm talking about

the girl card. I've done that. Sometimes when I tell a sex story, it's a girl I dated in high school. It's not that it was the most current thing going on. So, I never fucked your sister pulling her hair a girl I dated in high school. It's not that it was the most current thing going on. Right. So, I mean, I never fucked your sister pulling her hair. Your sister sucks in bed, bro. I almost need that to happen. In this situation, you need to have a beer with me and be like, don't worry, bro.

Your sister is a dead fish. We only make love. Don't worry about it. Imagine that. Just telling someone like, no, listen, I don't fuck your sister. We just make love. That's even worse. Oh my god, this is terrible. Yeah, listen, I don't fuck your sister. We just make love. I'd be like, that's even worse. Oh, my God, this is terrible.

Yeah, there's a no-win situation here. It's your daughter, your sister, whatever. It's not going to go well. But most people don't have the added oomph of a song detailing the kinky shit you do. If it's really good, can you keep listening to it? That's an even better question what if like the new banger is about you about your sister i i i i would have to find another song i mean i would not put it on like my iphone i'm not walking i'm not listening to it on

my commute but what if you're like at the bar and it comes on do you like i'm gonna i gotta go to the bathroom like you check out off the bathroom, do you check out off the dance floor, do you start moping around? Because I almost think that while I would want to be like, alright, I'm not going to be dramatic about this, I'll just keep the party going. I feel like if people knew and they're looking at me and I'm rocking out to it,

it's not good. Yeah, if you get caught just by a friend, just bob into your sister's fucking anthem. I remember when Dave attempted to do Rides Page, Use Rise at the Super Bowl. I had fun with it because it was like the Super Bowl party was the biggest thing we've ever done.

And I was like, whatever. It was a funny rap battle. That was a song dissing me. And I made a video where I sung along with it. But it was a very specific one-time thing. It's not like I just listened to Rides Page, Use Rise. And this is even worse than a personal beef. This is about your sister getting dicked down yeah it's so much worse than a person so much worse uh i i think you have to leave yeah you can't because people

will come up to you and like try and video you like your friends will fuck with you look at him how he was they'll like you catch him singing a word to it like even just like those couple like those videos themselves dancing like fucking with you like it's meek mill went out with jay-z and beyonce did you hear that story and jay-z accidentally started playing back to back and meek was just laughing about it and i'm like what'd he say he's like i gotta take a shit yeah yeah there you go that song comes on go take a shit there you go the only thing less embarrassing you know like i gotta go poop it's like why why'd you admit that, dude? Well, because the alternative is dancing to a song

about my sister getting fucked. Hey, what's going on, KFC guys? I've got a little situation. Hope you guys can give me some advice. So, about four months ago, I started dating this girl, and she's awesome. We get along super well. We've got a ton in common.

Relationship is going great. And for the most part, I like her friends. But one of her friends, who is bi, I just found out, has a huge crush on her and hates me because I apparently stole her away from her. Now, my girl isn't bi. None of that.

But anyway, she's trying to turn my girl's other friends against me so that my life will basically become hell whenever I hang out with them. How the fuck do I handle this? This fuck bitch. Are you serious? That is the lamest shit ever.

You can't go after someone who's not even on the fucking table and then turn people against. I think it's lame to even campaign against a guy just because you lost out like a guy or a girl. If you, if you lose out on the battle of love, sorry. And you can keep trying, but to like try to turn other people against him is fucked up when it's not even possible for you. What the fuck are you doing? She has no interest in eating your vagina. None.

I mean, that's a big step. Why are we battling for this? Right. There is no battle that's like that's like if there's a last slice of pizza left or there's like mushrooms all over it i don't want it you can just fucking have it i don't you know there's no battle over that last slice and you are having a 10 out of 10 show let me tell you this you just do put on a show right now this is unbelievable But yeah no It's fucked

I don't know what to do I mean I almost think I mean listen It's kind of like I don't know if this is insensitive But if another guy was going after your girl And doing that I feel like you might say something

I feel like I might be like yo dude I heard you like called my girlfriend's friends and were talking shit about me. Like, cut it out. I probably wouldn't, but I see what you're saying. Yeah, I feel like I actually might. You probably hit him. Yeah, like as little confrontation. Yeah, well, that's what I mean. It's like it kind of is similar to a guy going after your girl, except

it's a girl going after your girl. I think a confrontation is on the table. I don't know if I would do it because I like to avoid confrontation, but I could see a scenario where if it presented itself, I'd be like, are you fucking running your mouth about me all the time to friends? I think you can do that to the girl. Do you think that would hold up in court if you punched her in the face

and was like, look, she was trying to take my girlfriend? I think the jury would be like, I think the jury would be like, well, is your girlfriend bi? And then when she said no, they'd be like, acquitted, not guilty. Get out of here. Because that's really the kicker here is that we're talking about someone who can't even really be battled over she's just straight also why like this girl should just go get new friends like why would you yeah like yeah if your friends can be like turned by that like if your friends

can be turned and if your other friends are trying to fuck you they're not those are not friends at all and you know what this guy seems like he really likes her too. I think this couple's got a they got a real Well, you must because I'm not gonna I'm not putting up with the baggage

of having some lesbian come at me if you're not worth it. Look at this lesbian just talking shit about me all the time. Every single day this gay chick's

just bashing me. I'll be getting a new apartment. I'll be getting some new furniture. The only choice for me is Borough. The holiday season here. So I'm going to give myself a little gift. I strongly recommend the Borough.

You rock it. Yep. I'll deck out the new spot in it. Cozy seat for everybody. And listen, I mean, there's two things that are the most important things in your life. It's the couch and your bed. So you're going to spend most of your life sitting, when you're awake, sitting on that couch.

Why would you skimp on it? Why would you not get one of the best, most comfortable, most stylish, and most innovative couches on the planet? I mean, that's innovation. When you got the USB charger, it's one of time's best inventions of 2018 for a reason. So you can mix and match all sorts of different styles and sizes. It's affordable inventions of 2018 for a reason. So you can mix and match all sorts of different styles and sizes.

It's affordable. You can charge your phone, and you're going to spend, I don't know, 80% of your goddamn life on it. So do yourself a favor and get a Burrow. Everyone's listening to that, like, 80%? And I'm like, yeah, that's a little low maybe, but how about that? Go to burrow.com slash KFC. You're going to get 75% off that order. B-U-R-R-O-W dot com slash KFC.

75 bucks off. Let's keep it moving. What's up, KFC radio? I'm not sure if you guys talked about this before, but I wanted to get your thoughts on Santa Claus. How long was okay to keep believing in him? When did you finally learn he wasn't real? I have a little bit of a different perspective on this one because I was one of those half-Jewish, half-Catholic kids in high school and in a high school with not many other Jewish kids. So

Santa Claus was never a real thing to me. So during this season when we were younger, my mom would always have a talk with me that some kids still believe it's real. And I just always thought they were idiots. And I remember this time in third grade where I literally made a little kid cry because he still believed in Santa Claus. And I was just so adamant and pointed out all the things that made it not real. That's such a dick move. It just didn't seem logical to me, but I don't know. My parents never tried to make me believe it was real.

Am I a fucked up person for ruining Santa Claus for people? Personally, yes. Let me know. No, big time. That to me is on par. You are just doing that to derive some pleasure out of ruining something that someone loves. I've been working on that, just letting people enjoy things. Letting them be, like, ignorant?

Yeah. I mean, with absolutely everything. It's like, if you hate a movie or whatever, fine. It's like, yeah, if you like it, that's okay. Yeah, rock out, man. I mean, I think in our position, I'm always trained to just give my opinion. I think it's not exactly the most entertaining content if you're just like, well, OK. I know.

If you like that, I'm aware. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, first of all, let me just say third grade's a bit much. So if there's a kid in third grade who's believing in Santa, you might want to give him a heads up just for his own good. But to be like, yeah, bitch, that shit ain't real real maybe pull him aside and kind of be like you know i just third grade is old i think so right it's like eight i an eight year old i must be wrong then because i was gonna say like fifth fifth yeah no i mean john people were like getting late in fifth grade i'm not certainly i certainly wasn't doing that but i i but I vividly remember where I was, and I thought that was a fifth grade classroom. I think I was in first grade.

Do you remember this, by the way? You finding out, or me? Yeah, no, because you kind of tried to stop me. Mom and Dad had a bunch of presents in a closet downstairs. I do remember that. And you were like, no, no, no, don't go in there, don't go in there. And I was like, I think we had a pencil sharpener in there. I was like, I need to sharpen my pencil, dude, which is a weird thing to have in your house. We had, on the wall, we had a crank. I do remember that. at school had already been chirping but i'm pretty sure that was first grade when you're like six i i could have sworn it was i think mrs almeda was my fifth grade john you're retarded

so it's entirely possible like i i i i'm pretty sure it was fifth grade do you do you know if you were like the last person in the world yeah in the world to find out but like his face is like so concerned like no fucking way it's like do i have to keep up this ruse until they're in fifth grade? John, do we need to have a conversation with you now? Like Easter Bunny? It was, I remember being like, what are you talking about? And they're like, Santa's not real. And I was like, but I was, none of this makes sense because I was, I was a hunter.

I would, I went looking for presents. So you had to have some inkling. I guess like they just convinced me that. I mean, we also used to do presents from your mom and presents from Santa. So if you found something, you could always kind of spin it. I mean, Santa is the cruelest thing we do to children. Like, what are you talking about? It's not real.

I went to the mall and met him. Our uncle and our dad would trade off families, dress up as Santa, and come to the house. You do everything you can to fool a child. What are you talking about? It's not real. I've seen this guy. He's handed me toys before. I don't think it's cruel to children. I think it's cruel to adults. I think it's cruel to the parents.

You guys are getting no fucking credit for this. I know. I think that all the time. That's your hard-earned money. You are using the person's presence. It's straight manipulation because this is the first year I can tell my kid, like, you got to be good. Yeah. Because Santa's watching.

Yeah. Like, that's straight-up manipulation, but it helps. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I need it. I need it sometimes. That's actually probably why it was invented. The naughty and nice list to make you, yeah.

So you'll trade off the credit at Christmas for 364 days of behavior. I don't trade credit for nothing. Yeah. I'd be like, no. Santa didn't fucking bring this to you. How about this? I have my own naughty and nice list. And if you're naughty, I don't give you presents.

How about that? Yeah, I worked all fucking year. Get you a... Like, I used to thank Santa for getting me a PlayStation. Yeah, and I mean... I fucking, like, made an extra sale to get this. If you are old enough to be playing PlayStation. I mean, like, I definitely thank Santa for PlayStation.

That wasn't a random thing. I was like, thank you so much, Santa, for this PlayStation. I got like a new car. Thank you. 16 years old That is Stunning Let's hit the last voicemail of the day Yeah

Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by Felix Gray Who rocks Felix Gray's? The other day somebody was rocking PFT PFT Somebody knew It was like

Oh I think it was you Oh good on me Yeah the non-prescription ones You were just wearing around the office Oh yeah yeah Felix Gray's It was rocking. BFT. BFT was rocking. Somebody knew. It was like a... Oh, I think it was you. Oh, good on me. Yeah, the non-prescription ones. You were just wearing around the office. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was the Felix Grey's. And I thought, because John is so stylish, I thought they were just like regular, either prescription or non-prescription, but just like for style looks, because that's how cool

they look. You're right, yeah. And it turned out they were actually Felix Grey, which are glasses that you wear to reduce digital eye strain. So for anybody who thinks, well, yeah, I don't wear a pair of goggles or something that looks stupid to reduce the eye strain, you don't. You can be rocking something that Madame Feidelberg thought looked stylish. Computer glasses will help save your eyes. They won't be burning.

You won't have to squint. You won't lose your vision down the road. Losing your vision is like... I've had 20-20 my whole life and I wear it like a badge of honor. I can't believe that some people just can't. This guy without contacts is like

he's dead. I'd be dead. If I lived in another generation, I'd just die. Or be like in a hospital. I would put on his glasses and I was like, really? Legally blind, bro. Legally blind.

You're legally blind? Yeah, like if they couldn't correct it, I wouldn't be allowed to drive. And I absolutely couldn't. It would be very, very dangerous.

It looks like water in your eyes. No, if you go, if you like open your eyes underwater, that's what my like vision looks like. How scary is that? When you just wake up in the morning and you open your eyes underwater, that's what my vision looks like.

How scary is that? When you just wake up in the morning and you open your eyes, you're just like, oh, I got to just stumble around until I get my glasses or something. Like a fucking minority report when he's attached to the fridge. I don't remember that. It's a really strange reference, but whatever. It doesn't sound like what it's like.

I don't know if that, maybe it is, but that just doesn't sound like what it's like. I don't know if that, maybe it is, but that just doesn't sound like it. There's a Twilight Zone episode where a guy like wishes to be like the last man on earth or something like that

and his wish comes true and then he steps on his glasses and he can't see anything. He's like trapped on earth with no vision. Twilight? That's going to be you.

Yeah. There's a reference. Do you think like millennials know that? Like when people say, I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. I think you have to say like, I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. I think you have to say, I feel like I'm in Black Mirror.

Yeah, probably. Because it's like Twilight Zone, you just won't. No, you get it because Tower of Terror. Even that, bro. It's pretty dated. When you ride the Tower of Terror, they show you. Is that still going? Yeah.

Yeah? All right. Of course it's still going. I think it's an urban legend. Remember the woman getting her scalp ripped off on that thing? That's got to be an urban legend, right? I hope so. They always say, like, tuck your ponytail in.

Get her whole scalp ripped off? That's at least what the story is. Bone tomahawk that shit. Oh, no. Anyway, felixgrayglasses.com slash KFC to protect those peepers and look stylish while you're doing it. F-E-L-I-X-G-R-A-Y. Glasses.com slash KFC. Last one.

What do we got? Hey, KFC Radio. So the other day, me and my buddies were talking, and we were wondering if Barstool had a Hunger Games-type situation set up between the podcast, excluding ZBT, who would win? There's a $50 million prize for whoever wins.

It would be like John, Kevin, Brendan versus Coley and Tyler and Devlin or Ellie and... I mean, I don't think we're winning, man. I don't think we're winning, man.

I don't think we're winning either. I mean, not only am I a pretty weak link, but I feel like we'd both be like, eh, fuck this. Right? Like, I don't know. Let's just find a cave. Great.

Let's find a cave and hang out. Just me on my own? Yeah, figure it out, bud. You fucking blind ass. I mean, it would be very... We would do what we do now. Kind of like... In the Hunger Games? Yeah.

Like live shows and other ideas. We're like, you come up with it, bro. Figure out the strategy. Just go do it. I definitely don't think we'd have the motivation. ZBT is out because of their military experience. I mean, in these things, I always just think of who is like the

most physically like personal breakfast would win. Does that count? You got Willie. That doesn't count. It's not a podcast. I mean, they technically have a best of now, but I can understand you're saying that's not a podcast because in my mind, it's like NFL athlete

large is a smart dude. Francis's brains and a good and good shape and they got the midget to like that's the next factor but that doesn't count so i always think uh the the edge in physical prowess is going to be the biggest for barstool i think everybody's got everyone's like kind of pretty smart you know what i mean it's not like you got dummies around would you think would foreplay win riggs he's a pretty smart guy and they're like physically capable they're pretty like good middle of the road. I think if it came down to it, I think I'm taking PMT.

Yeah, you think? I think so, yeah. I mean, Dan's pretty capable. PMT's in good shape, very smart. Hank's very smart. I think. I could also maybe go Section 10 with Coley. If you throw yourself into Section 10, it would be that.

If it was Karabas, Coley, and Feidelberg, and Steve, I feel like that would be a winner. I wouldn't pick anything I'm in to win. Well, you can count on that team not being confident. I feel like one of the girls' teams would just hide the whole time. Isn't there somebody in Hunger Games that just like waits for everyone to kill each other? Some feminine wiles.

Now you're probably right though. Hank, Dan, PFT, good, like mix of everything. Yeah. I think,

you know what? I think PFT would just be the best to win. Yeah. We're going to give this a shot. We're number one at everything, including like killing you. I think PFT would probably be like the number one overall pick in general killing you. I think PFT would probably be the number one overall pick in general, and I think you go with whoever's got the number one pick.

Wait, I'm sorry. Say that again? I think if you're just talking individuals, I think PFT would be the number one pick, physically capable and smart. Yeah. And so he'd be on that team, and it's not like he has other dead weight. Dan and Hank are pretty capable themselves.

I think Willie is underestimated. Yeah, I mean, he would just is underestimated yeah I mean he would just but I think like he's probably also faster than oh no doubt oh no definitely Willie is for sure like the superior podcast oh I forgot yeah we're just not counting him no I gave a barstool breakfast

was a podcast he's on laces out I would oh that's got well then it so that is Dave Tommy and and and Willie. Tommy is a disaster. He thinks he's some survivor, like magician.

He would be a nightmare. Dave is a pretty fucking cutthroat savvy dude with the combo of Dave and Willie dragged Tommy's ass to victory. That's a fucking,

I think they might. But Dave has always been like, I, Who's the producer of that? Steve Che. Steve Che. Yeah, yeah, Steve. But like, Dave has always been like, I was the producer of that. Steve J. Steve J. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve. But like Dave has always said, I don't do physical altercation. I don't do like, he doesn't, I mean, I mean, Willie John,

he won't even fly non-private anymore. We'll fly commercial. So like, you think he's going to live in the jungle? I think, I think Willie can carry the X factor. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, he's a fucking Superbowl champion. He basically did it like on a field. You know what I mean? That is the hunger games. Every I mean, he's a fucking Super Bowl champion. He basically did it on a field. You know what I mean? That is the Hunger Games every fucking episode. Every single week. I think, yeah, I guess. Are there any of the podcasts I'm not thinking of? I forgot about Lisa's Out. What about Comeback Season?

Johnny Manziel? Johnny, Casey, and that agent dude? Nah. Nah. Call her daddy? I don't think they would win i don't think they would win no i'm gonna i'm gonna say no uh yeah i think it's gotta be lisa's alex and sofia versus willie cologne let's see how many alexis alexis and sofia's alexis and sovia's would it take to kill willie cologne like,000? Yeah, a trillion.

Yeah. They did that argument on Barstool Breakfast. It was one of my favorite things ever. It was how many schnitheads, at least followers, would it take to take out Willie? And he legitimately said, I could take the first 50,000. I think it was like, as long as they don't like, if there was some sort of like, you know, Hollywood movie where they kind of just keep coming at you rather than swarming you all at once.

And even then, I don't think like little Ellie fans, Ellie's, imagine just a bunch of Ellie's. I think, I think Willie could kill Infinite. I could take the first 50,000. And I saw it on Deke Zucker. I'm pretty sure he was like, I don't know. I think I'd take like the first 50K. I love Willie, man. He's like a really great dude.

So fucking funny. Failing upwards? Failing upwards. I don't think. I don't think they would like. I feel like they're the least motivated people. They're the only people less motivated than us. Them.

I know they said no ZBT, but hi, haters. Does that count? No. Anybody who's got military experience the whole point. Yeah, like Captain Kate? No. Two Marines? No. Two Marines? No.

No. They're not eligible to participate in this contest. I'd put them in the real Hunger Games. Yeah. Again, war is the real Hunger Games. We did. We put them in there. We fucking did it.

And they came back. We didn't put them in the Hunger Games. Lights, camera? No. Red line radio? No. Schnitt talk? Starting nine. spitting chiclets

so that's got multiple uh current professional not current but like fresh yeah fresh freshly retired i mean biz is whitney's a little sissy boy uh yeah but see okay see this uh they're my answer because even like like watching Whitney do like the ball and cup thing, like he's got the finesse skills, and Biz will just beat the shit out of you. Grinnell is just a fucking lunatic. This is a fucking really good question. I think it comes down to chicklets versus Willie, anything with Willie. Professional athlete versus professional athlete,

one being a football player who murdered people for a living. The others being hockey players who also kind of murder people. But not in the same... It's not... I think I'm... I think Chiklitz is the better... I'll take Whitney and Biz.

Chiklitz is a better top to bottom. Willie's got to drag Tommy around. Tommy and Dave. No disrespect to Grinnell I guess they're gonna have to carry him too but rear ads is like I mean rear ads is he might win this whole thing by himself turn on his own teammates he's crazy and then you have two professional athletes yeah

chicklets final answer they are taking the world by storm literally wow that's a great great question you know it's funny as I was like we've done this before but we haven't done it with like 20 podcasts on the roster. It usually was like us versus PMT and that was it, you know. Interview time. Let's get into it. Erin Ryan, the writer on this season of Always Sunny.

She's on Pod Save America's network and just an all around delight. Interviews brought to you by 23andMe. Here's the thing. Just get this for your father. My dad whipped out his phone and just showed me the whole report. Like, all of it. And it's very interesting. I do find this stuff interesting.

But he just kept going. He loves it. He's just showing me everything. Breaking down how there's that one person from Italy in our family. And how we're 51% British and Irish and 32% German and French and 99.9% European. There was 1.01% Asian. So I'm an Italian Asian now too.

And I mean, we've been talking about this for like, obviously on multiple podcasts. You just keep talking about this to me. Dads love this shit. So just get it for your dad for Christmas. It's the way to go. Get it for anybody who's interested and got a brain or like a little,

you know, a gift with a little something to it. Go to 23andme.com slash KFC and you will get 20, get 30% off your 23andme kit. That's the number 23andme dot com slash KFC. You can track your entire family's history. Find your entire family tree and story. Find out the 23 chromosomes that make up your

DNA. Where are you from? And then you can know where you're going to be. Aaron Ryan, let's talk to her. It was stupid. So I was like, I guess I should just schedule my meetings for a time. I can go get my jackets. Get to wear them. I miss when I get to wear my coats.

That is incredibly poor planning. I guess you don't need them at all, though, living that L.A. life. Well, L.A. is like the warmest place. I was in San Francisco last weekend, and it's not warm there. And I was like, fuck, I should have gotten a coat. This is like the only place I can be without my coats. As we came up with Yell-O-Mator, this is Erin Ryan, by the way. Erin Ryan on KFC Radio.

She's writing for Always Sunny, and she wrote The Gang Fixes the Bathroom Situation, which I mean, I still wake up every morning and I think about that episode of TV. And I was gushing. I've never seen Kevin fangirl for something like this. I fangled so hard, I've never seen Kevin fangirl for something like I was, I fangirled so hard, I, I embarrassed myself.

Really? The extent to which I, uh, talked about that episode and was basically just sucking your dick. I was, it was like,

stop it, Kevin, control yourself. But it was that fucking funny. But as we were coming up the elevator, she said, uh,

she is, she just can't handle the cold anymore. I can't. This is everybody. She's from Minneapolis, dude. It goes away. She's from fucking Minnesota. She can't handle the cold.

I went to school in Florida. I hated every second of it. Yeah, Florida sucks. Florida's the worst, man. It's a terrible place. Nobody should go there for any reason. It was terrible. That's what people always say.

See, where'd you go to school? Notre Dame. Okay. I thought you were go to school? Notre Dame. Okay. I thought you were going to say University of Minnesota because everyone always says, like, this kid, he used to think, like, oh, I want my kids to go to a big college football school or something like that. Yeah. And then we went down to University of Florida.

What do you think? Terrible. Terrible. It's bad. Everyone just, like, they see stuff on TV. I still stand by that, but it's just not Florida, not Gainesville. No. I think there's other places that are still pretty fucking off.

I went to Fordham. I went to school in the hood. I don't want them to do that. I would prefer them. I think it would be more fun to go somewhere like nice weather. You want all the serious bodily injuries to be concentrated to the football field rather than just kind of dispersed throughout the population. Pretty much, yeah. Or to myself.

To the students themselves. I got robbed at gunpoint at Fordham. I don't want that. So go watch football and hang out with pretty girls in the sun. That's what I'm talking about. It's all, yeah. But games. Bars.

Bars in the strip malls. It's terrible. It's the worst. Anyone who says, I want my kids to go to a big football school or a big southern school or whatever it is, just hasn't visited those. And I really hadn't. When I said that, I really hadn't. So maybe you proved me wrong.

I just picture like Florida is where like their main export is like stepdads. Like it's the ancestral home of like the great American stepdad, if that were like a type of animal. The Florida mascot stepdad. The Florida stepdads i love it um so yeah this all came about because that that episode of always sunny um which you then went on like always sunny dot com and you kind of wrote out the whole process yeah i thought was very interesting um because the main thing being like you the way you were like we jammed like 22 minutes

it was like 25 pages into 22 minutes or however you worded it yeah and like not a single i felt even as i was watching it like not a single word was wasted like everything in that episode to me it everything was purposeful yeah and that's why i am still fucking talking about it to this day but i thought that was a very cool look at how writing a single episode for a show like that that's been on for so long, how that kind of goes down. Yeah, I think part of it is also these the actors know each other so well and they can play off each other so well that if you were writing a script, I think the the temptation is to like if you had a line that say like, so do you want to get out of here? You would write say, like, so do you want to get out of here? You would write so dot, dot, dot. Do you want to get out of here? Question mark.

But like in a sunny script, you write, do you want to get out of here? Question mark. Because the actor can deliver it. Yeah. They know how to slow down and speed up. And I think that as a writer, you tend to want to like micromanage and be like, no, do it the way I want it. And you have to kind of trust them. And they you can absolutely trust all of them.

They're so, so funny and they're so good. Was that the first you had written for them? Yeah, this was my first season. It was your first season on TV in a while, right? It was my first season of scripted TV. Ever? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were taking a little break.

It was my first, that was Baby's first TV episode. That's the first thing I've ever had. That's a hell of a debut, man. Yeah, it was. Well, part of it is like every, people think like writing an episode of TV is like they just are like, here's your assignment.

You know, it's like Spider-Man's boss or whatever handing you. But it's, you kind of, the whole room works on like kind of shaping what the season is going to be. And then the season kind of gets divided into episodes

and like half the room will work on one and half the room will work on another. So it's like shuffling a deck of cards over and over again and everybody's got cards that are dealt in. The season gets divided into episodes. Half the room will work on one and half the room will work on another. It's like shuffling a deck of cards over and over again. Everybody's got cards that are dealt in. There are jokes in my episode that are definitely not my jokes. There are jokes in other episodes that are other people's jokes. I find that to be... We write blogs here.

Obviously, it's very different than a TV show. I could never imagine co-writing a blog. Oh, we used to all the time. Like back when we were like G-chatting with each other, it's like, what do you think about this topic?

Oh, I guess so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm saying like, if you literally like wrote a part of it and then like I had the next paragraph

and you had the, but yeah, I guess you're right. It's kind of like a hive mind. You get together. Yeah. Well, and there's also so many more moving parts

in like a scripted TV show because there's every, every character and everything they say has to make sense for the character. And their motivation has to follow through the whole episode. And all the characters on Sunny are such bad people. Horrific. Yeah, and they've given us the luxury, the 12 seasons prior to this 13th season, gave us a luxury of making them the worst people in the world so you can do whatever you want to them. Because like you could just have a show start with

Dee getting pushed off a building and the fans would be like, okay, sure. She deserves any character. I was going to ask that. If you ever wanted to write another show, would you find it very difficult to write for a character? There's nothing they can do that will upset... It's not even just within the

show and fans, but no one cares at all. You can do blackface. You can do blackface with the Sonic characters. They have been completely grandfathered in. You can do whatever you can say, whatever you want, because they're just understood to be bad people. You can do anything you want.

But if you just start fresh and say like, this is a hump of clay and I have to mold it into a small little racist who can say anything he wants. That takes a lot of work. A wee little clay racist. I think we're pitching a show right now. It's a little clay figurine of a racist that comes alive and grants wishes but also says really racist shit.

I am in for 12 seasons of that. Let's go. Yeah, one of the things that I think, you know, because they're such bad people and they do bad things all the time, I think that's part of the reason that the final episode of this season where Mac comes out to his dad via

a very elaborate dance. Amazing. That's great. Yeah. So that was, when Rob pitched that to the room, Rob McElhaney pitched that to the room, we were all like, okay. How are we going to, okay, so you want him to do a dance, but it's not, like, funny? He doesn't fall at the end? Like, it's a serious... But it's so you want him to do a dance but it's not like funny

he doesn't fall at the end like it's a serious but it's so funny when they cut to the prisoners and stuff like that every single time I belly laughed at that yeah I was on set that day I didn't I was living in New York when we were shooting most of it but I came out a couple days one of them was when they were shooting the

Me Too episode and one of them was when they were shooting the Me Too Me Too episode and one of them was when they were shooting the Me Too, Me Too. Hey, you boners. There was, and one was when they were doing the prison scene where, and the way they shot that was everybody was kind of sitting, all the extras were

sitting there and we had Danny sitting in the front row and we didn't actually do the dance on the stage. That's a little TV secret for you guys. Behind the curtain. But's a little TV secret for you guys. Wow, behind the curtain. But we did have a big monitor on the stage that played the dance for them. So the reaction you're seeing is the real reaction of these people.

They're not told what they're going to see. So they were reacting authentically to Rob McElhaney, super jacked. Super fucking jacked. Super jacked. Ob, super jacked. Super fucking jacked. Super jacked. Obnoxiously jacked. He was disturbingly jacked because I had been working on another project with him since the summer before.

And so he was kind of like a mentor, big brother type guy to me. And throughout writing this season and going into shooting, we were watching him gradually sort of look like he'd eaten a smaller version of himself and like just getting scary. Every time he was

on TV, I would think of the line from Emma Stone in Crazy Stupid Love. She's like, you look at Photoshop. There were a lot of times where I was like, this must be photo editing. This is ridiculous. He worked really, really hard. He was like, his Instagram post was like, This is ridiculous. He worked really, really hard.

That and his Instagram posts. I'm like, it's easy. All you got to do is work out seven days a week and never eat carbs and have two trainers. Yeah, yeah. But it was an interesting pitch to write around because he was like, I just want to dance. And we're like, okay, how are we going to do this? And then we sort of pieced together

how it would all kind of work out. And because they're such bad people, it was really hard to kind of, well, how do we make them sympathetic? How do we make Danny someone that can elicit an emotional reaction as Frank Reynolds? And I watched him shoot that scene, and he acted his face off. You forget how good of an actor Danny Dino is. Right, and he's a lot more than just Frank Reynolds, which is crazy.

Yeah, he's a lovely man. A lot more serious to talk to than you would think. A lot more serious? He's a lot more than just Frank Reynolds, which is crazy. Yeah, he's a lovely man. A lot more serious to talk to than you would think. Really? He's a lovely man. Oh, yeah, he wanted to talk about politics. But I think he was also in the character at that moment where he was trying to kind of dredge emotions up in himself, and so he really wanted to get sad.

I did not think of Frank Reynolds as a method actor. Well, I always think of it as like, I mean, I think they're all such incredible actors because they're all such really good people. We've talked to Glenn and he was incredible. Glenn was awesome. And obviously, you know all the good they do and how they're a huge part of the pride parade and stuff like that. And it's so extraordinarily different than what they are on the show that they must be

incredible actors. Yeah, they really are. And Caitlin, I think, is the funniest woman I've ever seen in my life. And she's also so, I'm going to sound like I'm just making this up because I have nothing bad to say about any of them. Caitlin is so lovely that it's like, you're beautiful, you're so skinny, you're so fucking funny, and you're so nice. It's obnoxious. Leave some more for the rest of us. Can I hate you a little bit? No, because you're so fucking funny and you're so nice what can i it's obnoxious leave some more for the rest can i hate you a little bit yeah no because you're so fucking nice i can't dislike

you so yeah it's like they're the best people in the world to work for and yeah i can't i hope i get to come back for season 14 if it works i have a feeling you're going to say about it put in my two cents i think you're okay was was um the reaction to that episode, like, am I the only idiot out here? Is it just I continue to gush about it? Or was it really well received in general? Well, so all of us, like, in the writer's room were pretty, like, supportive of each other's episodes. And we all have, like, jokes in different places and stuff. So, like, you know, I would reach out to, like, Megan Gans after I saw her episode because we were working in the same writer's room again.

And I was like, oh, it's so great. You know, like, we would all be very, because we were working in the same writers room again, and I was like, oh, it's so great. You know, like we would all be very like supportive and complimentary of each other. I remember writing the episode over like, like the writing phase of it where I actually had to like look at final draft and be like, fuck, like look at it. I hate that program. But that took like a week. And then Charlie and Rob gave me notes. And then I had like another day to like react to the notes and I turned it in. And it one of those things where you know when you work really hard on a piece of writing and by the end of it you're like does this make any sense is this in English I think it sucks I think I'm the worst person ever I'm never gonna write another funny thing again and I'm gonna

get fired I'm gonna be banished I'm gonna get kicked out of America and it's terrible so I like turned it in and I was like I think it's bad oh I don't even know and then a few weeks later Rob texted me a photo of the front page of the table read draft and I was embarrassed again. I just think everything I do is the worst thing in the world. We know that. You've come to the right place. Yeah, I was just like,

oh God, I fucking suck. I'm so bad. I've never watched a video we've done here that I was in. I can't see myself. It was just like, oh God, it's so fucking bad. So anyway, I just kind of like, I didn't watch it when it aired. Really? Uh-uh.

I couldn't bring myself to do it. I say that like I'm stunned, but I would, no chance I'd be able to watch my own episode. I mean, this is going to sound very crude, but it's like, I wouldn't want to watch myself have sex. I didn't want to watch my own episode of Always Sunny. It's just like, oh no, it, it looked weird there. It's, it's weird because it's such a, it's such a personal thing to have your name on an episode of TV because you, you trust the people that are delivering the words that you wrote down. And a lot of times they like made them better. And there were changes that were different from the draft that I turned in that made it into the show

that ended up making it a better episode of TV. And so I didn't want to like, I didn't even want to look. And then you bury your phone for a while. I just posted a blog or something. I was like, won't look at my phone for a couple hours. So any comment on that theory, I don't see anything anymore. Didn't even happen. Well, I'm a, I'm a millennial cord cutter, so I don't have like TV, TV. I just have like streaming services and so I just didn't I was at home and I was like I'm just not gonna watch it I'm just not gonna turn on so soon you're just gonna pay like 150 bucks a month for all the streaming services yeah and I was also at the time basically yeah and I was I was also Hulu Netflix Amazon HBO Go FX has a new one now right yeah

they do you know what I'm not gonna download an app for just one fucking channel. I'm sorry. That's insane. Guess what? That is an insane thing. Guess what? It's coming. Oh, God. It's coming. Anyway, so that week was also super weird for me because the episode aired on Wednesday, and on Thursday I had to fly to Miami to do Pod Save America for HBO from Miami on Friday. And so I was just like, I can't get in my head.

I just have to plow through this week. So the episode aired, and then I started getting texts from my friends. They were like, oh, it's so good. And I was like, you have can't get in my head. I just have to like plow through this week. And then I, so the episode aired and then I started getting texts from my friends. I was like, oh, it's so good. And I was like, you have to say that you asshole. Don't give me a compliment. What do you mean? I'm like one of those people that if you give me a compliment, I will figure out a way to make it a critique.

So if you're like, oh, you look nice today. It's like all the other days I'm ugly. I look like shit all the time. Like I feel like I look bad. You, you, you don't know me at all. Nobody knows me. I have no friends. Why are you friends with me?

Yeah, exactly. So, you know, the reaction I got was pretty good. And then I just tried not to like, you know, crawl up my own butthole and like live in there, you know. But then I started getting like people who I didn't know sending me messages that were like, I really liked your episode. And it was nice. I thought it was like a, you know, it's an episode that was written on the foundation of 12 seasons of incredible writing and incredible acting.

And so I was lucky to be able to jump off of that. But I'm, you know, I'm happy with it. I've since watched it. I've watched it once. And then I was like, okay, that's enough. I can't do that. Did you laugh at it? Can you laugh at your own TV show?

There was one part where the part where they were like, so pretentious, D. So pretentious. When Glenn said that, I was just like, that killed me. I mean, they're all funny, but that was just a really, really good one. Do you have a favorite? Are you allowed to say? Well, I have to say Rob because Rob is the person that found me as a writer and encouraged me to start writing in TV. So he's sort of like a mentor to me.

But Charlie is the nicest, funniest person I've ever been around. Caitlin is super sweet. Glenn, I haven't gotten to be around that much because he was doing AP Bio at the same time as we were writing. So I saw him like one day. But super nice guy, really talented. Danny's hilarious. Like they're all great.

Is the writing always, um, submitted to Charlie and Rob or is it like different episodes? I'm not, Charlie and Rob saw every episode from this season, but also Megan Gans is an executive producer and, uh, David Hornsby who plays cricket also like had a lot to do with kind of the

final. I mean, if you want to just talk about Sonny being the most depraved and disgusting, he's it. He's the embody of it. You cut him out of that episode, right? What? You cut him out of that episode, right? Well, originally, before I wrote

the script, we were going to have a whole Cricket storyline in there, and then we just ended up being like we can't fit it in here. Which is crazy to be like... I mean, I'm sure it was hilarious, because every time he's on screen it is, but it's like, ah, this is, there's too much other funny shit to put rickety cricket in it.

Have you seen the extras from, I think, last season when they're doing the, who's the painter or the artist that Charlie pretends to be? I know what you're talking about. And he's like, he's painting cricket stories or drawing crayon cricket stories. And he's doing the dog gangbang.

It's an outtake. And cricket just goes off the cuff. Goes, oh, you're going to need a lot of red. Yeah. That's the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. Hornsby does. Hornsby is really fun to be in a room with. He does a lot of like, he does a lot of pantomiming.

So he'll be pitching a line for himself and he'll do it in the character of Cricket. Or he will hear somebody say something and then he'll pantomime himself telling his wife about it. In his imagination. And usually he's eating while he's telling his wife. I don't know. See, this is the shit I want. So these people are just creative freaks. I think to myself,

how are you that funny for that long? How do you keep reinventing? How do you keep surprising? And it's like, you're just, there's something different. Yeah, there's also, Megan Ganz is an EP,

and I haven't really talked about her very much, but she's so, so, so fucking funny and smart and great. She was on Community for a while. She wrote for Modern Family. She is a straight-up genius. Like half of her jokes are like, oh, my God, how did you even come up with that? Like she's just wonderful.

So she's another big factor in like why the season. I think this season was pretty good. I think the season was fantastic. I think this season had – I think even the episodes that were criticized, I thought Lady Boggs was laugh out loud funny, almost consistently. And by criticized, I mean like, it divided the room. I don't have a chance to watch every episode that night of, so I'd be like, oh, it was a disappointment tonight.

And like almost everything as this millennial is, is like everything is based on six opinions. Like I saw six tweets that were at me like, oh, tonight was kind of like a down night. And I'm like, oh, tonight must have stopped then. Because one person said it to me. That's what got in my head. But I watched it two nights later, three nights later. And that was incredible.

The clip show was outrageous. The clip show is so weird. That's always such like a layup show or kind of a give up show. And like, I mean, when Charlie pretends to be in Seinfeld I thought this season Had zero misses And I thought some of the home runs were grand slams It was a weird season

One thing I want to say before I don't know how much time we have to talk Talk all day We'll talk offline One of the things I did want to say offline one of the things that I did want to say is like a lot of the episodes and the issues that we tackled came from us just being like getting into

political discussions in the writers room the first few days so like the trans bathroom thing was something that everybody had like an opinion on and then Rob likes to play devil's advocate sometimes so he's like so what about this what about this what about this and we ended up being like well let's just make this you know let's just make this

into an episode of TV. So the all lady reboot thing was like came out of a conversation about like well why do women need a reboot of a thing that men have already done? Why don't we get our own things? And like but maybe it's actually good that women get you know so we had So is that from like Ghostbusters kind of deal?

Yeah yeah we were talking about like Ghostbusters. We were talking about Ocean's 8. I think that was about to come out at the time. And it was like, yeah, well, why don't we just make a show about that? Other things not so serious, like the Glenn doll that everybody fucked. That was not like, you know, how do you feel about sex robots? Do you think everyone should fuck them? Do you think Danny DeVito should fuck a sex robot? But yeah, that was not like, you know, how do you feel about sex robots? Do you think everyone should fuck them? Do you think Danny DeVito should fuck a sex robot?

But yeah, that was not a scene. That still shot of him with the mouth open. I was on set for that when they unveiled or when they sat him up. And that just the shot. We had to like just stop because everybody was laughing so hard the first time. Rob like put him up. It was so funny. Would you fuck a sex robot?

No. Just a question we ask everybody that comes through here. I would say that half of my exes that I dated in my 20s were probably technically, intellectually sex robots. There's some poor bastards out there like, fuck, really? I wasn't with them for the companionship. I was just kind of like, we're in our 20s. We know why we're here.

So you also mess around with the pod save guys a lot. Not like a sex robot. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I have my own podcast with them called Hysteria. That's just like women talking about politics and life and stuff. I love the name. Yeah. Thank you.

Well, I guess now me and Def Leppard are like in a death match on Twitter because it's like half the hashtags if you look for Hysteria are about Def Leppard's Hysteria. No way. And the other half are about like feminism. So, yeah, I do stuff with Pod Save. I've done like Love It or Leave It a bunch of times. I've toured with them a lot. How do you like that? It's fun.

You were actually just mentioning earlier how you got a couple of nice messages from people about the show you wrote. And you're like, oh, I'm feeling better about it. I feel like with Pod Save, you probably have just fucking lunatic-savvy messages. Not Pod Save fans, but... I would say that every type of... I'm going to be very diplomatic here every type of fandom has its own lunatic fringe and like whether you know you're sports fans or whether or not you're really into politics or you're really into a specific podcast or a tv show like

anything that's been around for long enough or that has enough fans has a lunatic fringe um i will say that the pod save amer Crooked Media fans tend to be just like really, really nice and supportive. Those fans, I'm sure. Yeah, they're like just super cool. I do tend to get, I do get a certain type of I do get a certain type of like

romantic overture from a guy that's like, it's always like some guy who's like, do tell. He's like, look, I'm not like this other guy. Look, I know. Hey, come here. I know, you know, men are trash, right? And it's like, is that, I mean, yes, but like, that's not, you're not the, that's not, that's not a tactic. I always find it more trashy to be like trying to get in with me because you

think we agree that men are trash instead of like just being like, I am trash. Then I actually respect that a little bit more rather than trying to distance yourself from men in general. I get it. Yeah. So there's, so there's that.

I mean, everybody's trash. Let's be, let's be honest. I think if, when trash has power, then they're the worst kind of trash. And that's why a lot of times people,

I think more likely to say that men are trash than women are trash because men have more power than women. So they're able to enact more trashdom on the world. Just forcing our trash upon them. Exactly. But, I mean, you're right that everybody has crazy fans and idiot fans. But politics is just the fucking sewer. I mean, you're a very brave person for just willingly doing that. Because we talk about everything here but that.

Yeah. It's just, to me, that's the one place where I go, like, it's just not worth the headache. We did, like, up until the election. And then once the election was over, whatever. Well, yeah, because there was some humor in politics up until recently. And now it's just like. Yeah. And even if you find humor in politics, like, the rest of the people don't.

And to me, it's just not worth the headache. And it's super interesting because I I used to I used to date a writer for The Daily Show and this years ago. And he's he's a lovely man. No complaints about him. He but not a sex robot. No, just great, great person. But so I was around that world a lot. And it was weird, like going into 2015 and 2014 to 2016, everything was kind of like, oh, this is so fun. You know, it's all we're all having fun. And then 2016 happened. It was like, oh, my God, this isn't fun anymore.

And like a specific way that people used to treat politics like no longer worked. And one thing I used to do HLN, I used to do a show that where where I was usually the only person who was left leaning on it and so I was around a lot of people who were more right wing and stuff and you just kind of learn to talk to each other like human beings and stuff I also don't really you say the word brave in reference

to talking about politics I don't have any feelings or soul anymore because I blogged for so long that it totally yeah it just like sanded all my, like all my, for a while you're just like an open wound. You're like everything I do is bad. But now it's like I'm just a big scab

and like nothing can hurt me. Ball scar tissue. I think people like, they think when we say stuff like that, I feel like they think we're probably being a little over the top or whatever. It's a true story. I think if you blog for fucking five, ten years, you'll still learn. It sounds dramatic

and it's still relatively like a new career so people don't get it, but like, if you just consistently put your shit out there and have to deal with other people's shit and it's just how you become calcified by it. It's like you have to do live surgery on yourself in front of people all day while people throw garbage into your open chest cavity.

And it's like, you know, eventually it sucks. You kind of have to remind yourself. I mean, I enjoyed blogging. It was good. It makes you fast at writing. And I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Where did you blog? I was at Jezebel.

Oh. Yeah. I was an editor at Jezebel for quite some time. Oh, boy. Yeah. You've got an enemy in the room. Shit. Maybe.

Well, I mean, we'll see. Just give it 10 minutes. You won't be feeling your legs anymore, and by the time I leave, you'll all be dead. She planned the holiday party day. I did. We're all right for the picking here. That's very Killing Eve, if I were. Anyway, yeah, I was there for a while,

and then I went to the Daily Beast for a while, and it just kind of... Two for two. Yeah, it just kind of... It just kind of... Eventually, you just kind of... You don't have the normal emotional reaction that people have anymore.

And it just. I was saying that the other day where there was some, I forget something was happening. I was like, I should be upset. And I should like, I should have a response to this. I'm like, I just don't. It's very Dennis Reynolds-esque, actually. Like, you remember feelings? Yeah.

Did you guys ever do an acrostic of your own name with the dentist system? Like, you make your own with the letters of your first name? What's yours? Because you clearly know. E-R-I-N. E is for engage enthusiastically. R is for reschedule plans. I is for indefinitely reschedule.

And N is for never communicate again. That's better than the dentist system. That just cut right to the fucking point. Yeah, I just... There's nothing better than canceling plans. Infinite rescheduling. The canceling of plans is... That is the only thing that still gets me going.

That's how I get off these days. Canceling plans. Yeah, I might. I might. If I didn't want to see you in that jacket, I would probably just... You mentioned Killing Eve. Are you big...

That's one show they always tweeted us. Because Kevin and I talk about TV a pretty good amount. And I always get tweeted Killing Eve. I haven't gotten to it yet. But what are you watching? It's good. I'm like four or five episodes in. It's like a drama written by a comedy writer.

So there are jokes in it. And the plot is really tight. But it's great. I really love it. The performances are great. Sometimes it's hard for me to watch comedy because I feel like I'm at work. Just like I'm sure you guys don't go read sports blogs in your free time. I don't listen to podcasts.

I don't read blogs. Yeah, you just go into a dark room and cry after work. I'm too angry. Let's see. What have I been watching? This is going to sound real dorky. I've been watching old classic TV. I've been watching a lot of Mary Tyler Moore

because it's so well done. It's so well written. See, that's like you're a writer watching that, right? Yeah, I'm trying to learn. When I was younger, I was a huge sports fan, and I realized one day that it was after Notre Dame got crushed by Alabama in the national championship. I was like, you know what?

I don't need to do this anymore. I'm so fucking jealous of you. I was like, I can just go on and live my life. This is a thing I can ignore, and it won't get worse, and I can just ignore it, and I can walk away. You were able to do it. And I did until recently. I'm back on football.

Well, I mean, once Notre Dame goes undefeated, I feel like you have to kind of jump back on it. But I wasn't even. I've gotten into the NFL. It's like being somebody who's like, you know what? I like doing Adderall at parties and then being like, I love math. Who are you watching? I've been watching

the Steelers this year. Somebody described them as just good enough to not be good enough. I was at the Raiders game last weekend. That was not great. At the end, I was like, wow,

I'm glad that I don't fully care about this. That's one of those things where when you are at that level, I'm like that with basketball. I don't really follow that closely, but I'll watch a big game and then I'll be like, oh, this doesn't affect me at all. They lost. That stinks, I guess. I wish I could give it all up.

I can't, though. I'm so jealous of you. You just have to remind yourself that every single person you're watching on TV, if you keeled over and died right now, would not care. It's a really asymmetrical relationship. Oh, that wouldn't do it for me. Because that's like, nobody in this world cares if I'm alive. I could keel over and die in this office and I bet it would be about three days.

I definitely wouldn't care. Right, of course. We just met. I would just leave. I'd be like, this is too much responsibility. I'm just going to leave be like this is too much responsibility i'm just gonna leave with my like calloused blogging soul and be like you know what this is that doesn't get you off sports like oh if you died they wouldn't care of course they don't care they're rich billionaires

sometimes like helps me distance myself it doesn't help me totally sever it but it's like oh this doesn't this only matters from my because i decide it matters like it doesn't help me totally sever it, but it's like, oh, this doesn't, this only matters from my, because I decide it matters. Like, it doesn't matter in the opposite direction. It's not like I'm a doctor performing surgery or something. But like, if they died, I wouldn't really care either. Really? If Tom Brady died. If anybody in the Patriots died, it would affect you.

Yes, if a demigod died, I would be surprised. You would tweet about them, but they would definitely not tweet about you. Okay, that's, there you go. Now it's like you're hitting closer to home death is fucking whatever but they wouldn't tweet about me that's a little hard about you at all i saw uh you had a couple tweets that jumped out at me the one about melania trump where you were like sometimes i feel bad about like talking shit and then i realized like fuck that and then i think you had one in general that was kind of like sometimes i feel like with my platform it's like a duty to not spread hate, but also fuck that. Like, I'm

just going to let it rip. I, uh, I commend that. I applaud that. That's how I view the social media world as well. Yeah. Do you ever like just get sick of it though? I mean, like I feel like sometimes I'm a full blown addict and I wish it was just like out of my life. Yeah, I do. I have to put the phone down sometimes and just like, because it's just like two dimensions, you know, and there's like a whole three dimensional world around you. And when you think about how much time you're spending in those like two little dimensions, it's like the thing on the phone where you can see how much time usage and all that shit. I don't want to do that.

Limit it. The people who can limit it where it's like after 30 minutes, it's just going to like, you're not even able to open up Twitter. That's crazy. What? No, I don't think I could do that. You can like put your own fucking restrictions on. Yeah. I mean what would happen if I had to tweet after 30 minutes?

I need my phone because I don't drive and I live in Los Angeles and so I need Uber to get around or I just need to like walk places and have people pull over and be like, hello, white lady. Are you okay? Is this a white emergency?

Do I need to call the police? But yeah, so I need it to get around. And so I have a lot of anxiety around the battery of my phone because if it runs out, I'm like, I got to just go like a crazed lunatic into a store and be like, can I use a charger? Give me electricity. Yeah, you feel like a dope fiend.

Vitamin Water is doing an ad campaign right now. It's pretty genius. If you hashtag this is part of their ad. If you hashtag no phone for a year, they're going to pick a random person and give you, they'll trade, you give them your smartphone, they give you

like an old Nokia and you can still make phone calls, but you can't use a smartphone for a year you get a hundred grand is it like five million? you can make calls? that is not a bonus I don't want people

to be able to call me he's on this like he came out the other side and I'm just people just text friends like what are you up to? Fucking nothing. Why don't we even talk? I don't want to fucking have

an hour text conversation. We talk about nothing the entire time. If you want to make plans with me, if you want to do something, let's call. We'll hammer it out in two minutes. Yeah, but we have already been over the fact that plans are bad.

Plans are bad, yeah. I guess the texting is... That's the worst. I do it when Keith gets mad at me because I call one of my buddies here. I call him for lunch. I'm like, what do you want for lunch? It's so obnoxious. And he answered the phone today and he's like, why'd you call him in a meeting?

You're the first person to get a call in a meeting. Just don't answer the phone call. No, but you are going to... What very few little friends you have left, you're going to lose all of them if you call them. Here's what a phone call is. When somebody picks up a phone call, it's them deciding that everyone

around them needs to listen to their end of a phone conversation, and I consider that extremely rude. I 1000%. I will not be doing it in public, like on an airplane or on a train, anything like that. I certainly never do that. Yeah, I think in New York, you're never alone in a room, and so you kind of condition yourself to never take

calls, because I consider it like who am I to force people to listen to me talk? You know, she said into a microphone. But you know what I mean? Like if I'm, you know, I don't want to be in public and be like, hey, mom. Oh, no. You know, I don't want people to I don't want to force people to listen to that. And because you're never alone in New York, I just became conditioned to never talking to people on the phone.

That is correct, John. You need to get back on board with this. We had a meeting the other day where I couldn't make it, so I was on a train back from Boston. And I just locked myself in the bathroom of the Amtrak. That's where I was. I don't phone call. I won't do it in front of people, but I'll go find a place to get alone. Don't do it to anybody at all.

People get in trouble for talking too loud on phones on Amtrak, especially the New York, D.C. thing. Well, quiet car, yes. But New York, D.C., sometimes every couple years you'll hear some political aide being like, my senator boss is definitely porking his lobbyists.

I don't know. They're dorks. They'd say porking. But there's, lobbyists. I don't know. They would say they're dorks. They'd say porking. But there's always somebody that is having a conversation about staffing issues or something and they're near a journalist and the journalist is just like, oh my god, this is too easy. I'm just going to write this down. That's

a classic episode of the newsroom. One of my favorite shows. Oh god. I knew that was coming. He talks about it like daily. I love a news show. I think it's great. It's not a great show.

I mean, it's entertaining. That ending where they sing the fucking song. They're all singing. It's incredible. I almost literally died. I was like, this is so bad, I might expire as a human. Daniels picks up the guitar. He does a kick.

Oh, my God. I wish you guys could see Aaron's face right now. It is just pure disgust and disdain. I'm also wearing a shirt that says miserable on it. It's a band. It's very on brand. It's not how I feel. I'm having a great time.

I'm having a great time. Is this over yet? I've got to go report back to Jezebel. I could. Sure. Look, I'm leaving TV forever. I could. Sure. Look, I'm leaving TV forever. I want to blog again. I just want to blog again. Bring me back, please.

Yeah, take us with you when you leave here. We got to get to Hollywood, man. We are not Hollywood people. We went out to Hollywood like six or seven months ago, whatever it was, and I've never fit in somewhere less in my entire life. Yeah, it's weird.

Physically, like out of shape, pasty and mentally and emotional, all of it. I was like, yeah, everyone's happy there. How do you deal with that? I pretend. You put on a good front, don't you? I'm like in a lot better mood since I've moved out there. And it's because it's because you're just in the sun all the time. And like also you never feel like I remember in New York, there. And it's because you're just in the sun all the time.

And also, you never feel... I remember in New York, it would be warming up in the spring. And we would have a whole... There'd be a weather forecast and it'd be like, oh, it's going to be 50 and sunny. Coming up Saturday, Sunday, 50 and sunny. And so you live your whole week. You're like, yeah, I'm going to go outside. You'll be in a park. And then as the week gets closer to the end, they're like, actually,

it's going to rain. Oh, it's actually going to be 50 and sunny Tuesday and Wednesday. And then you're trapped inside all day. So you have this constant, you're constantly missing the windows of nice weather. But in LA, it's like, eh, I can't go outside today, but it's going to be exactly the same tomorrow. It's going to be 75 and sunny and it'll

be fine. So that's good. I think it's made my mood a little bit better, but, um, I got one of those mood lights. Oh, you know what? I got one of those too. And it came on the day that I got offered a job writing for sunny. I was like, well, great. Now I've got to return this mood. I used to blog in front of it. My mom was like, when I'm like, we was before we lived here. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. Oh my God. I blogged in front of it at my parents' house. I mean God. I vlogged in front of my parents. I mean, you could not be more stereotypical blogger

in my mom's basement. So depressed I needed a It was in the living room which was actually very sunny. I'm imagining you wearing like a shirt from middle school

that's like, you know, your old soccer team and it's got a couple, like a hole in the armpit, you know, where the shirts always get holes

and it's like threadbare and it's too tight. I mean, you're pretty spot on, but like, I mean, whatever, fuck it. I mean, I think between the racist Clay midget and then that whole description, I think you're writing scripts left and right here. I didn't watch a show about that pathetic piece of shit you just described. But he's got a Clay figurine that is racist. And he like, and he like gives you, yeah, like advice and it's like a clay figurine that is racist. And he gives you advice. It's like a tent situation almost.

It's sort of like everything is bittersweet because you get great advice but you do it in the most racist way possible. And so you give yourself opportunities and then squander them. At the very least this has to be a web series. Little web episodes of this. Very good.

I appreciate you coming through. I very much appreciate you writing that episode. I hope there's more sunny to come. And so what's the podcast? Your Hysteria? Yeah, it's called Hysteria. I would doubt that there's a lot of crossover between the audience here. Everyone thinks that. Honestly,

every time me and Tommy tweet with each other, it's like a bunch of people just being like, oh my God, my two worlds are colliding. Yeah, that's funny. People think that they're the only ones with like giant worlds. And it's like, you know, a lot of people listen to both things. Yeah, no. Go check out Hysteria and be on the lookout for anything written by Aaron Ryan.

Oh, thanks. Thank you. Thanks for having me. All right. Shouts to Aaron. Appreciate her coming through. And I mean, the Jezebel mole over here. That was.

You don't think that she was just here collecting intel. Oh, I used to write for Jezebel. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah. You still got friends. I'm sure.

Is Jezebel something? I don't know. I was going to ask that. I was going to ask her about it. I think that was part of the Gawker downfall. I felt rude. I was going to ask her. Is it still around?

She's out of that shit now. Well, I know. I know. But it's interesting uh uh it comes up yeah it's still around jezebel.com it's interesting when uh we're talking to someone who is way smarter than us i'm like so i like tv show she's like yeah i'm usually talking about like politics and changing the world and all that shit but yeah i'll talk about like dicks with you guys what a versatile woman about sex robots she was pretty thoroughly like appalled and taken aback when i asked her if she would fuck a sex robot she was like uh no i wanted to be like well listen it's very you know on this show we'd all at least give a hard maybe.

So I don't know where you come from. No, I'm with her. I wouldn't, but I just wouldn't say I wouldn't answer so fast. It was a hard tough one for the sex robots to hear. They're not going to have to. They're not going to get any Aaron Ryan anytime soon. Let's wrap up a little KFC radio karaoke brought to you by four hymns. I am on the full four hymns train right now i wash my hair

with the shampoo it's this like bright aquamarine blue color i don't know i like that and then i eat two gummies per day which they taste kind of like delicious yeah they're like starburst almost like chewy starburst and then i pop the pill and i'm just covering it from all angles i got the medicine i got the food i got the external shampoo. Comes with the drops, but I don't need that. So you would have the whole kit if you had the balding in the back. And every day I wake up and I'm just thinking, the hair is growing. The hair is growing.

The hair is growing. The hair is growing. So it gives me the confidence. You also can get ED pills if you got that issue. It's hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. So everything you need to look good and fuck good. And it's real doctors with real medical grade solutions. When you sign up, you email with an actual doctor who can prescribe you.

You explain your symptoms and your case, and he prescribes you if he feels like you fit the bill. So it's easy. You don't have to meet with anybody. You don't have to schedule anything. You just email this guy. He says, here you go. And then the monthly, um, the monthly deliveries just, they just happen on schedule. It's the easiest thing I do. And probably the most important thing I do. So I keep that hair going. It's for hymns.com slash KFC. That's F O R H I M S.com slash KFCED. Eight letters.

Why not us? Why not us? Eight letters. The song is eight letters. This song is a banger. I've never heard this. I sent it to you. And you just said, get Spotify, you bitch.

Yeah, that's right. You sent me the link. I'm like, I can't open this. This song is so dope. These guys, you would love these guys. I think they're internet content people who just got together and were like, we're going to be a boy band. They have a little EP. What?

Yeah. I think they had a song with Logan Paul and shit. They're all about content. They just keep dropping songs. This one, everyone's remixing it out. Banger. Okay. I'm like,

I'm like humping right now. Eight little letters. John, what are the eight letters? I have no idea. When you listen to the lyrics, you should go and figure it out. Pretty sure it's I Love You. Talk about how it's...

I just got it. Mm-hmm. It's good. It's a good song. Why Not Us is the name. Eight letters. Why is it so hard to say? If all it is to say that is why am I in my own head? Why not us is the name. Eight letters.