KFC Radio - F*** Everyone Else, (Except Simone Biles) Ft. Jake Johnson

Episode Date: July 29, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - Feitelberg's Salt Water Mouth Lube - New York is paying $100 to get the vax... $100 dollars. - Simone Biles and the twisties - Feitelberg needs your help writing a bio for him - Am I The Asshole - Voicemails - 01:36:20 Jake Johnson prepping for a role as a 70's pornographer, his background playing cards, Ride the Eagle, and much more Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Weidelberg was having anal in college like Sandra Bullock in Gravity, just floating around. Are you out of your fucking mind, Jacqueline? No, but I'm... Jackie has the gall, the audacity to be barking at someone about speaking into them. I literally thought that was a joke.

She leaned over and she said, if you talk, talk into the mic. And I thought I was like, are you playing a joke on yourself? No, but that's because now I've grown and evolved as an editor and as a person, and I now understand the other side. Yeah.

And now I have the authority to tell Josh. Whoa! I take that back. Whoa! I mean, yeah, that, you know, everything you just described is what we were always thinking and saying when you would just be like...

No, but you... i would watch you like purposely like that's not the difference the difference is no you do you wouldn't push away you would do this you would grab it and you would move it and then just like stop when it's like move it all the way but the difference is i was sitting here and then to get to that my guy to move my entire body but josh is right there. He has no excuse. Oh, God forbid you had to move your body. No, it was a weird... Yeah, I know. You had to twist.

It was tough. Life is tough. You're an asshole. Anyway, Josh... We're all assholes. I... You know, John said this is something we've talked about before, and probably is because we've talked about everything at this point.

I don't remember talking about it because I think I would have blown a gasket. It was when we were talking about cookies rather than chips and stuff. Oh, okay. But I do, it's how I eat. It's how I eat. John Feidelberg. I like sloppy steaks. When he, John Feidelberg and apparently Nick Hamilton,

and maybe some of these other dickheads will find out, new guy Mike was like, I this you're fired when they eat goldfish goldfish any kind of any kind of course really full in yeah and then oh now there's a good gulp of water to make it like a soggy mess. Now, I see that. Remember I put these down and they weren't very good? Now they're good again? You think it hit water with them? Yeah.

You're cooking with gas. It's different. I thought to myself, let me see. Because I can understand the idea of like a cracker or something like a... A very salty snack. You need a little extra lube. No! That's where I disagree. Because I could understand like I said, the dryness

and maybe you make it like a mushy, carby mess in your mouth. But Nick goes, yeah, yeah, you gotta wash the salt off. What?! The salt is what makes the goldfish good! Like a watery salt. It's just mouth lube. I'm sorry, you can fucking take it and I can't.

Oh, what? When I eat dry things, I need a little mouthful. You little bitch. And Nick was like, oh, it burns your tongue. Like, give me that salt burn on my tongue. When I have 150 goldfish in a sitting, I want to feel that salt. I want to taste that salt. I want to wash the salt off.

You're living life. It's not like you wash it and spit it out. You're still getting it. No, you don't taste it. You taste it. No, you don't. You don't taste the same salt. It's a salty good snack, and you get rid of the salt.

You also look like a fucking asshole sitting there chomping it away. Most people don't notice. I've been doing it for my whole life. Usually, look, when I'm at dinner, I don't, like, have a bite of steak and then get the red wine in my mouth. Oh, that might be pretty good, too. But the... Are you not supposed to do that? When I'm having just the fucking, just salty

snacks, it's just a little fucking... I mean, I don't know how to describe it. What are your sloppy steaks? What do you mean? What does that entail? The wine? Is that what you're saying? No, no, no. That's from I Think You Could Leave. Right, right, right. Okay, but I... Yeah, okay. I thought you were saying The wine? Is that what you're saying? No, no, no. That's from I Think You Can Leave. Right, right, right. Okay.

Yeah, okay. I thought you were saying that you do, you like. No, no, no. Okay, okay. Because what I will, the only thing I'll do that with, I'll do it with milk and cookies because you guys do it

with water and cookies and that's fucking. If I give you a cup of water and a cup of milk and cookies, what would you use? Cookies, I'd choose the milk. But if there's no milk around,

I'm going to use water. If there's no milk around, I'm just not having the cookies. That's another way you could do it. But me, I like my sweets. I got a sweet tooth. Are you going to try and say that I don't like my sweets? You're going to say I don't have a sweet tooth? I got such a sweet tooth, I only have a certain bar of quality for milk and the cookies

that I won't even touch the sweet unless I'm fully experiencing the sweet. I still need the sugar in me so I can crash. Crash is an important part of my day. You crash. You are a, you're like a child. Like when I'm like, Keegan, you can't have another thing of mini muffins. me so I can crash. Crash is an important part of my day. You crash. You are a – you're like a child. Like when I'm like, Keegan, you can't have another thing of mini muffins. You're going to crash. It's like John.

I'm like, put that down. We got to do a podcast. I'll put the cookie and the milk in my mouth. I'll do – It works. Sometimes I'll do cereal. Just buy a little water. I'll do cereal with like that.

If you're not doing a little water – It's disgusting. And I do feel – It's not disgusting, but it's just plain that. If you're not doing a little water. It's disgusting. And I do feel. It's not disgusting, but it's just plain, bland, and stupid. It's not bland. It's very good. It washes away the fucking seasoning. So you have a little salt water snack.

A little salt water mouth lube. I'm just going to keep saying mouth lube because it's the clearest way I can explain what's happening. I can't eat it without the fucking lube. I love it. I can't take a mouth of goldfish without the fucking sex water. I gotta get lubed up first. You're gonna get you a fucking... Sex water?

Yes, I have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you use the sex water that looks like cum? They have sex water that's like, it's clear, and they have sex water that looks like cum. I think I would not like that one. I think that would look like a whole mess. Do you want... God, we went from

chips to sex real fast and i'm gonna take it a step i'm gonna take it a step further you want to get intimate with it john sure something's happened to me and i don't know what it is flip the switch like this past year i can't use loop i have like a reaction like your dick yeah it's like it's like an allergic reaction i don't i don't lot of lube. I'm not a... I make sure my girl gets wet. I keep them girls fucking dripping, kid. Oh, man. Oh, you need lube? I use fucking personality.

Get you socially lubricated, bitch. Yeah, I can't use it. But the cum lube is, you know. I mean, that just looks like you're the last guy in a gangbang. One of those videos like, Sasha Gray takes 19 green pies. Kevin pulling up the rear Number 20 Running off behind the camera

Got one more It's all of that But not real The reason I don't want to do that But I'm jerking off to it Is because I don't want to be that guy Covered in cum But when it's some sex water

It's just a fantasy It's not a fantasy to be that guy covered in cum. But when it's some sex water... That's just a fantasy for you. There you go. It's not a fantasy to be just dripping in other people's cum. What I want, I want... I want my fucking cock to be the dipstick at the fucking auto body shop. They've just been using it for 20 years. Dip it in? Nope, not yet.

Not done yet. Got oil from a Chevy, from a Ford. I need a Westworld situation with the sex water lube. And that way it's not real humans and it's not real cum. Then now,

now we're cooking with gas. We're cooking with cum. I will not forgive you for the... You know what is funny about the fish? Is that you're creating salt water for the fish. Right back to the fish. You're creating salt water for a fish. It's like you sent the goldfish home.

It's like you made the goldfish at home before you munched them to their death. Cracking them in pieces. One more little dip in the ocean. If you were to ask a goldfish, what before you munched them until you're dead. Cracking them in pieces. One more little dip in the ocean. If you were to ask a goldfish what's your dying wish? I'd probably like to swim one more time. Yeah, there you go. There you have it, fellas.

You are deplorable. You and your fucking... Again, I honestly think we've done this very recently. Some people are like, yeah, we know. The cookies is different, though. If you haven't tried it, don't knock it. Just do it. That was wet-ass fishy, man.

Yeah. Wet-ass fishy. Take a bite. Take a sip. Got that wet-ass fishy. Can you go get me another bag? I'm going to create an aquarium in my mouth. Will you do a Miller Lite fishy?

Sure. All right. It's just because it's just lube. Yeah. It's just lube. It's just mouth lube, baby. So I recommend a Miller Lite. You could drink it as a nice after work beer, as an outdoor day drinking beer on the beach,

at the pool, at the game, at the tailgate. Or you can do it as mouth lube for your goldfish. Miller Lite. It's a beer that wears many hats. It's a very versatile beer. Or you can do it as mouth lube for your goldfish. Miller Lite. It's a beer that wears many hats. It's a very versatile beer. It is brought to you by Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. It's only 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. So you can have extra goldfish when you're drinking your Miller Lite

because you're not going to put on those pounds and get all fat from your Miller Lite. It's less filling. It's delicious taste. It's the perfect summer beer. My dad's made the switch. Wow. My dad's a team guy. I think it's impressive that we made the switch because, you know,

we're pretty stubborn guys and we're late in life. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Your dad to do it is like, wow, that is a team player. Made the big switch. But that's the thing. It's to do it is like, wow. That is a team player. Made the big switch. But that's the thing. It's not like you're asking, you know what I mean? I don't feel bad telling people, you know, I don't feel bad making people, like it's not like you're asking them to drink like motor oil.

You know, it's a good switch. Yeah, it's like just listen to me and you'll be happy. Right, right. Guess what? The guy who's been drinking another beer for many, many, many years has made the conversion. So if he can do it, you can be happier. Right, right. And guess what? The guy who's been drinking another beer for many, many, many years has made the conversion. So if he can do it, you can do it.

Now I'm going to be a normal human. I'm going to eat my goldfish. I'm going to chew into the microphone because I know how much you guys love that. Then when I'm done, I shall wash it down with my Miller Lite like a civilized person while you are a savage.

I almost said savilized. I like that. A little mix between the savage and the... Good stuff right there. See, look, look, look. Got all the salt. That's a 10. That's a 10. Now I'm going to wash it down with some Miller Lite. Delicious.

Don't need that extra step of mixing it up in the middle, though. I mean, I will admit, I Don't need that extra step of mixing it up in the middle, though. I mean, I will admit, I'd probably go with water right in the middle of the light. I'd stay in the middle of the light without getting salty and covering goldfish. But it's anything. I mean, it's nothing better than like a goldfish or the bowl of peanuts or pretzels that they put out at the bar. That's a thing of the past, huh? They're not going to do that anymore.

I went to one this weekend. They had peanuts there. Really? I should be doing that. We're still a little bit early for that one. You are just rubbing it in my face now. You're making the aquarium? Hang on. Hang on. Let me finish this ad read, then we'll do the aquarium.

When I would eat the peanuts and the pretzels and if you have the goldfish or some trail mix and then you get the ice cold beer from your bartender. Oh, give me that Miller Lite. It's called Livin', baby. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And Livin' is Miller Lite. That's what Livin' is all about. It really is such a fine can to that gold. The gold and navy is a great combo. Oh, yeah. Very, like, regal. It's navy's colors. Is it?

Oh, yeah. Okay, that makes sense. Mix Very... It's Navy's colors. Is it? Oh, yeah. Okay. That makes sense. Mixed in with a little red there. I mean, it is the script Miller. It's just a high-quality, fine Pilsner beer brewed with the best ingredients. And you can get it delivered right to your door when you

go to MillerLite.com slash KFC. Find all the delivery options near you. Always celebrate responsibly from Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories, 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Make that aquarium. Okay. If you're watching, if you're listening, stop and go watch on YouTube because what you're about to see is just John just at his absolute worst.

Best. My best. Worst, best, you know, a little bit of both. You put a lot of goldfish in there. What? What? What did you say? I think he said, do you want some?

It's a hot tub. If you said, do you want some? Saw that in a movie once too. Saw Sasha Gray do that all the time. One more time, baby. The goldfish Aquarium. You are despicable. Hang on, open up.

Oh! The jumpers today, baby! I mean... That looked like... That looked like you on Lower in the Bar. That picture. Open up. Oh!

Man, I suck at catching things in my mouth. That was a great toss by me. That was a bad toss by me. That was a bad toss by me. We're going to do this. I like to attack it. Just stay put. If you're watching, we're throwing goldfish into John's mouth. He's disgusting.

Covered in crumbs and water. He's disgusting. Oh, you're really not going to. This is going to be a tough photo shot for John. Oh, this is the one. Yeah! Let's go. If you're watching on YouTube, that was fun.

You look deplorable. Yeah, gross? What you don't realize is that there's literally crumbs in your fucking... And he wipes it with a piece of paper. Here's a serious thought. Here's a serious thought. You are regressing as a human. You are devolving as a human.

It's de-evolution is occurring right now. What was I supposed to do? None of this. Everything you did for the last three to four minutes, you were supposed to do none of that. That was quite the... It was on my hands. It was gross. I was going to use... Oh my God. Yeah.

And it's on me as well. You spit on me. It's covered all... Look at this. That's not water. That's an aquarium salt water spit. Don't worry. I got the vaccine You didn't have to pay me 100 bucks to get it Unreal

That's one of my new favorite things What's this? Oh maybe you can just wait a minute That New York is now paying 100 bucks to get the vaccine If you don't have it yet Can I get a third? I was going to say we should have waited I just love thinking about the people

Whose convictions are for sale like, a sweet green salad. Like we said, you go outside for $100. Like, if you've held out this long, you're like a Trumper and, you know, the right, fuck the left. This is microchips from Bill Gates. But you're going to be like, give me that Benji. Particularly in Manhattan. You will spend that $100 before you get a home from the shot. But that's probably for the homeless.

Are they worried about the homeless? Do the homeless get the vaccine? I do not know the answer to that one. If I'm homeless, you've got to get everybody vaccinated or these people could cause an outbreak. What do they call them? Unhoused. Bambla's giving people only $20.

Shut up! Shut the fuck up! $20 is disrespectful. Remember that time? University of Alabama. Like, all the kids paying tuition. It's like, here's $20. Now give us $50.

Yeah, yeah. Give me a break. Remember when Smitty gave TJ $20 for sitting outside the stadium for 20 hours or some shit? It was like six hours in the sun. It's legitimately like 10 hours. And he gave him 20. It was like, I'm going to take this and jam this down your throat. That's what I would do.

$20. Get the fuck out of here. Especially if you have an adverse effect. If you're one of those people who have a day in the dumps. Yeah, yeah. Where you're like laying on the fucking bathroom floor. And you're like, well, at bathroom floor you're like well yes i got this crisp andrew jackson you got you got 20 bucks but you could you couldn't go to work the next day yeah right you got fired you lost your job because you went and got your 50

dollar fucking shot give me a break it is that is funny it's that it's one of the quiet crazy they've ever seen like if you just think you i mean i'm sure it'll work i'm sure people who didn't get it are gonna go a hundred dollars i mean yeah but that's if you get that if you go get the shot for a hundred dollars you're even dumber than someone who doesn't get the shot yeah at this point you know you're right you gotta stick to your guns almost i feel like come on or you better at least lie to your friends. Right. Not me. Not me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you can be bought for anything that is important to you for $100, you have, like, no convictions. That's what I'm saying. But it's either one way or the other. Like, I don't have strong convictions about anything.

So I'm like, I don't want to do that. And they're like, well, I'll give you $100. I'm like, well, then I'll do it. I'll get $100. It's like no big deal. But if it's something you really believe in and this is something people obviously again by this point if you don't have it you've dug your heels in for political and social purposes and then you know for a single bill of money that is you know have you seen inflation going on right now i at least

want it in one i gotta i gotta feel like i earned feel bigger yeah they're trying to get a teens in connecticut to go with like to get a vaccine for a chance at Coil-A-Ray tickets. You don't even get the tickets. You get to enter a raffle. Who? I know you probably don't know who this is, but the worst rapper in the world. I don't know her until this weekend. She performed at Rolling Loud.

Oh, I actually think I saw a Jet-Ski tweet about this person. Did you watch the video? No, no, no. It's like if you and I got on stage at Rolling Loud right now and tried to be rappers, No, no, no. You can now auto-tune through the bike almost. You know what I mean? So she's doing that, and it's terrible. And then you can just hear little chattering. I mean, the crowd is fucking dead, dude. Is that rolling loud? They're just standing there.

I don't think this is that bad. Well, alright. I mean, you gotta see some of the other performances at Rolling Loud then. Because the crowd is like fucking rocking for DaBaby and Uzi and everybody else. And these people were like... There's one video

where the guy's filming and just cuts back to him and he's like, this shit is ass, man. And she's... But like that, I am obviously far from a rap critic, but that doesn't sound like that different than like most rap I hear. Koi got the whole crowd doing the mannequin challenge. I mean, look, they're just standing there, John.

There's not a single hand in the air. Oh, I was, I'm talking more about like the crowd, like the way they were not reacting at all. It's pretty bad, dude. But yeah, for a

chance to win tickets to a Coy Leroy concert, again, all set on that. That's like, and you're a Connecticut, you're a college kid, maybe you don't even have strong political convictions at that point. That's just like, that's not worth me getting up and going to the site.

It's like the gas, you know what I mean? I don't want to drive there. Can I Uber it? Can you come here with it? That would be nice. I could do a one-minute minute on that, probably. That won't get touchy in the comments at all or anything. I did Simone earlier this week, and I'm going to follow up and do a second Simone. I said to myself, I think I'm done with the Simone.

But then the twisties thing came out, and now I'm almost mad at Simone and her team. Because they should have just made that the focal point, so it wouldn't be such a fucking headache for her. Yeah. You know? Because it's definitely... I don't give a fuck what anyone wants to do so like if someone wants to just pull up because i don't know she just didn't feel like it that's my main thing that's my so i i am not let down as an american right i don't give a shit i actually didn't even know what happened until like i'll call it 16 hours later because i'm so not paying attention

to the olympics yeah we Olympics. That's what's annoying. I was like, what are people talking about? The people who act like every four years for two weeks, I'm a huge gymnastics fan. It's like, you don't give a fuck about this. If it was your favorite baseball team, favorite football team, favorite basketball team, it's still silly. And people should have the right to just be like, I don't want to do this. Why? Because I don't want to do this.

But, you know, you've like invested your whole fucking, all your time. And you bought tickets and all those dumb, all the dumb sports fan things. I can understand getting upset if someone like walked out of the finals. But this is like, you don't care about the sport. You don't know about the sport. You couldn't even watch. Like, gymnastics is a sport where i'll watch it i'm like holy shit and the announcers are like oh no yeah oh no did you see that gym that's gonna

be a three quarters of a point deduction she's out she's done her entire life is over and i was like oh my god that was the most amazing thing i've ever seen so i don't know fucking dick about this but uh but and everybody pretending that and everybody acting like they – the thing about the twisties. If you don't know what – they call it the twisties. It's basically like a vertigo that goes on in your brain. I think it's like a mix of vertigo, and I've read a few Twitter threads, so I'm far from an expert. But I think it's like a vertigo mixed with like almost a yips. Right.

Like you're overthinking so there is the mental side of it uh mental health aspect where it's something just like about her and her motivation and her focus and her desire and all that but then there is some and that goes hand in hand with this vertigo-esque thing where your balance is off and the other thing when people everybody comparing it to other sports comparing it to michael jordan comparing it to you know other comparing it to Michael Jordan, comparing it to other athletes. Like Jordan, if he, when Jordan had a flu game, well, he played really well in the flu game, but if you're sick or you have a mental issue or whatever, he goes out there and he shoots like nine for 20 and puts up like 21 points and it's a bad game, whatever. Simone Biles goes out there and fucks up. She's breaking her fucking neck, man.

Like it's not a sport where you can fuck around and be like, well, you know, my equilibrium's off, but I can't turn it. I can't say no now. I've come too far. Right. It's like, I'm going to make sure I can walk out of here, you dumb assholes. But also, like, if she can't, I didn't watch it. I didn't know about it. I guess, like, she was in the, whatever, not the final round, the gold medal round, but she, like, wasn't spotting her landings.

Yeah. She's been shaky leading up. And it was like, I'm hurting the team. Yes, yes. I'm going to step away. It was away it was that it was like it was bad by her standards um clearly like something was off that's why people started speculating like physical injury then she said it's all mental health but it is there's also kind of a physical it's a it's a brain injury if you will you know it's not like a physical it's not a mental injury in the sense of like it's just how i feel i'm sure i'm sure there's an aspect to not like a physical, it's not a mental injury in the sense of like, it's just how

I feel. I'm sure there's an aspect to that, but I think it's stemming from this. It's kind of both. And I think also being 24 is legit part of the problem. They say when you're younger, your brain isn't as developed, you don't have the same fear, and your body's not telling you, don't jump that high, don't flip that many times. By the time

you're 24, I think it's like, we can't do this shit anymore, bro. This is too dangerous. So all of that combined's like, we can't do this shit anymore, bro. Like, this is too dangerous. So all of that combined is like, A, it's dangerous. B, might not be good. So like, I'm not going to fucking, I'm not going to help the team. So, you know, take me out. Or in the individual, it's like, I'm not going to win anymore if I'm this bad. So I'm not going to risk breaking my neck.

So it's also, I do love, I like that she pulled out of the individual too Because that was the big You know Well she's bailing on her team But she's still going to do the individual And now it's like No I'm not even going to do that either

And that's just her Don't tell me That you Care about Simone Biles Individual fucking thing You know You don't So if she wins or doesn't win

What if she just didn't go to this Olympics at all What if she had just said I'm done and retired Would you have been like Oh Simone pulled out and bailed on the country when she could have won us more gold medals? The fuck? But it's also like, when people compare it to Jordan or Brady or whatever

because, you know, she is the GOAT, like, there's a stark difference in the fact that she's she was bred, like, veal. Like, basically against her will. And sexually assaulted and abused. That's another thing that – She's probably like, fuck this team.

Fuck this country. Fuck this sport. Fuck all of this. All of you guys. And that – I think because Simone's like statement on that was – it was kind of weird in the sense that she was like, I didn't know if I was. And I asked people about like if I was touched this way, does that mean I was assaulted? And they said yes. So now I know.

But also I didn't have it as bad as some of the other girls. So it was like actually very aware that there's victims who did have it worse than her. But the way that I think she presented that, people don't think like Simone Biles has been sexually assaulted. And that's why. Fired the team. Yeah. Like in the sport that she's in. And I don't think people know that or are thinking that when they are like brazenly arguing on Twitter or on the internet or wherever. Oh, she's having a hard time.

Yeah, she was sexually assaulted. Right. Someone was like – In this sport. Someone was like, why are you white knighting for this girl? I was like, first of all, I hate those fucking terms. But like I'll tell you the reason why. She's a sexual assault victim.

And then are you back? You know what I mean? And that's probably – you don't want to flaunt those things as a way to win an argument. But I think if Team USA and Simone and people kind of led with that, that whole story about her, like the main reason she's here is to hold Larry Nassar accountable and make sure that they overhaul the sport when it comes to that. That's the only reason reason she's here is to hold larry nassar accountable and make sure that they like overhaul the sport when it comes to that that's the only like that's the only reason why she's here all of her other talk was about how she hates fucking gymnastics so she came here for a reason probably did that probably accomplished that already now has an injury mental health

problems and is risking more injury she's like i'm not gonna fucking do it yeah i've already given you my childhood i'm gonna keep keep the rest of my life. Fucking, like, I cannot believe people have a problem with that. I cannot believe people don't see it. It's like, you go the extra mile. And people have talked more about this. It's been, what, three days now? Yeah.

People have talked more about this than they did about Larry Nassar. I know. Nassar? Nassar, yeah. Nassar. Which is, like, the worst. Larry Nassar, again, yeah, people don't know. Like, they don't know the Simone story.

They don't know his story. He is a fucking monster. He... And that's funny, too, when people are, like, showing, like, Keri Strug. She's a real, like, hero. First of all, Keri Strug didn't need to do that. Right. They won the gold already.

They locked it up already. She never played in the... Never participated in the Olympics ever again. And then when she was hurt, they carried her to Larry Nassar. Right. That was the guy. Let me fix your ankle. And all of a sudden his hands are inside you.

I mean, it's like that. All of the Olympians, like former gymnastics are like. Fuck that. Dude, last time I was watching the Olympics, I turned the TV on and it was three of the gymnasts were getting interviewed by Maria Taylor. And I don't know if they just won a competition or if it was just an interview later and they were like we dedicate this to Simone.

You're pissed they're relating it to our team. They are fabricating this story of Simone let her team down and her teammates hate her and then they're in the press conference and Simone's like I mentally wasn't there and I'm happy for these girls because they did that on their own.

I had nothing to do with that. They achieved this silver medal. And they cut to the other girls and they're like, no, no, no, this one's for you too, girl. They're laughing and smiling and probably hugging and crying and it's like, I just, that's where it got weird where people were trying to be like, yo, man, the way you're like defending

like this young girl is like creepy. I'm man, the way you're, like, defending, like, this young girl is, like, creepy. I'm like, the way you're fabricating a storyline. She's 24. Yeah, she's 24. But, like, the way you're, like, fabricating a storyline about these little girls hating each other is weird. Right. You come up with this fictional story about, you know, letting the country down and who's competitive. When people are like, Simone Biles is not a competitor.

I mean, I saw she won Worlds with broken toes in both feet. She won a different thing with a kidney stone. Like, she's a fucking competitor. She's a fucking gamer when she wants to be. I was saying she's so good at this shit, too. And, you know, the scoring doesn't really reward her like the way it should. So, like, she's probably's probably like fucked all of this from the assault to the lifestyle to this injury to the pressure down to like literally the sport. Like you guys like fucking me over here.

You're all a bunch of racists. You're all like holding me back. I said it was like when Billy Madison was playing dodgeball and just smoking all these kids. Imagine if Billy Madison like he wouldn't risk an injury for these assholes. He'd be like I'm done playing with you fucking children i don't want to play you know fuck you guys it's not important to her anymore i just i can't believe the the the like and then even the comparison to jordan where i'm like well you know jordan retired and left his team in the middle of a dynasty for mental health issues like my dad died i need to go like fulfill his, like, fulfill his wishes because, like, mentally I'm not there

and I don't have motivation to play basketball anymore. So he left his team in the middle of a dynasty. The same way Simone dominated all those years and then was like, I'm out. You know, I get that it's in the middle. It would be like if Jordan had played half that year and then bailed or left in the middle of finals. It's not a perfect comparison. But these things happen to people who are less, like, not victims.

And I think people – You add all that up, it's fine. And then, like, that would be a good enough reason. And then it's like, yeah, and I was also sexually assaulted by the people in this sport. And you want me to give up more for them? Fuck you. The – fuck, what was I just going to say? And I heard people being like, oh, it's this generation, blah, blah, blah.

And it's not – it's been going on forever. People are just honest about it now. Yes, they're just speaking up. And they still get backlash. I wonder, too – I was thinking, wouldn't it be cool if this was – like, she came back to the Olympics because she wanted to kind of overhaul the sexual assault aspect of the sport and also the mental health. What if this is her plan all along?

Because I'm sure she sees all these other girls who are struggling mental health-wise, and they probably tell them, shut the fuck up. Carrie Strug was probably like, my ankle's broken. I don't want to do that. And they're probably like, get out there, or no one else is going to love you in this world. Bella Caroli, they're probably like,

get this creepy old walrus out of here, man. It's fucking nuts. There was another one of former Olympians tweeted today, a video of her. She was doing the balance beam. And she did some quadruple back flip, whatever the fuck she did. Lands directly on her neck. And then she grabs onto the bar and holds up and finishes the round. And she's like, I was not even given a cervical spinal exam after this.

Turns out I had a broken back. This was Simone or another girl? No, no, no. This was an older Olympian. Got it, got it. The footage she had tweeted looks like it was probably from the 90s. Right. And she's like, so yeah.

And I think she said, and when I left the Olympics that year, I never dreamed of this day where like one of them would have a stand. No, I'm just not doing this anymore. Somebody said to me, all right, I'm not saying she's a quitter, but can we at least agree that she doesn't have mental fortitude and toughness? It's like, do you know how fucking mentally tough

you got to be to just walk away from this? You literally have the pressure of an entire country on your back. Your entire life had been building up to this and you chose to walk away. Your family, your fans, the other side, the competitors, the money that you're leaving, all that shit.

Like she was... It's just insane. For anyone to speak on it, even us, anyone to speak on it is just fucking stupid. It's just up to her. You just have no fucking clue what it's like to have... Oh, oh, she's not mentally tough. She's won, like, 50 gold medals.

Right. That's what's crazy. You know what else? I think 35 is the actual number. I mean, an insane amount of gold medals. How about, like, I feel like in tennis you hear it a lot. Like, so-and-so retired. They're just, like, pulled out of events all the time where it's, like, you know, after two sets they're just like, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. You know, people are like, if this was a – You see that tennis player last night who was like, know after two sets they're just like nah I'm good yeah yeah yeah you're right you know people like when if this was you see that tennis player last night who was like

fine if I fucking die out here I'd die but he was a Russian and it was like he was complaining

it was almost like oh well if you're Russian then you are a fucking pussy because if you die it's a mess right right but it was like

he was like arguing with the judge I only saw the clip where he's like fine I'm gonna fucking die out here yeah I imagine he was asking for a water break or something like that and the judge. I only saw the clip where he's like, fine, I'm going to fucking die out here. Yeah. I imagine he was asking for a water break or something like that.

And the judge was just like, no. Okay. Blood's on your hands, asshole. But yeah, I feel like in tennis they retire. There's golfers a lot of time I feel like pull out when they're going to miss the cut. It's like this does happen and nobody really cares. And obviously it's a much grander stage. But it's like this shit kind of happens and it shouldn't really matter.

It's just, you know. But I think about – I think it's the most mentally tough thing because there are times like i know the way i live is unhealthy workaholic too committed to this shit tried you know do too much and i'm like i would never miss a live show i wouldn't miss a fucking recording you know i'm afraid to just be like i can't do it today because i'm worried about the ad reads we have to do and i'm worried about the listeners who want to hear it and all this shit and i'm like yeah that's i'm gonna like tear myself apart because of that for for this and simone's like uh i don't give a fuck about the olympics i'm out that to me is the most that's not like quitting that's like that's having the balls to step up and do what you need to do because

fuck everybody else. Fuck everybody else. Hey, man, put that on a shirt. Fuck everyone else. Let's put that on a shirt. Let's put fuck everyone else on a fucking shirt. Let's do it by the asshole now because everybody apparently in this whole country is an asshole. There were some people I couldn't even – I was just seeing the – I'm not even going to name names because I don't want to give any attention. But I couldn't even watch the videos. Like, people just pretend.

And it is, like, it's easy because it's easy for them because they know their base likes belittling a black girl. Sure. They're just pandering. Right. And it's like, I am disgraced. This is a fucking problem. I'm like, I'm going to jump through this phone and fucking come and fuck your face. That's what I'm going to do.

I am going to jump through this phone and fucking come and fuck your face. That's what I'm going to do. I am going to come fucking murder you, you goddamn fucking pathetic piece of shit. Yeah, no, it's appalling, and it's hacky, and it's unoriginal, it's stupid. So you're all assholes. You're also an asshole if you don't wear Cuts clothing. Cuts clothing is the number one T-shirt in the game right now when it comes to comfort, when it comes to style, when it comes to quality. And whether you're looking for a T-shirt, a polo, a hoodie, crew necks, they've got it all for the guys who work hard, play hard, lounge hard.

Whether you're looking to go out and look sharp, you can wear it as a business casual on a summer Friday, casual Friday. Look tight. You look like Hemsworth. Who was telling you you had big arms? We had a guest the other day. Rocky. Rocky Dale Davis Jr. is coming up soon on the pod, and he was saying,

yeah, I've seen those arms popping, and that's all because it cuts clothing. You've got to get these tees as well. I'll take a little credit. It was just the shirt. We're throwing teas as well i'll take a little credit i know it was it was just throwing it around i'll take a little bit they've got they've got the hyper loop french terry cloth they've got the pica uh wrinkle-free cotton they've got the you know i don't know these temperature controlled wrinkle-free things it's all amazing uh i like the Henleys they've got.

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Before we get into the Am I the Asshole, I know we've said for a while that I'm losing my mind, and I do think it's a larger problem. Oh, yeah. Like, I just don't wear. Oh yeah. Like I just forget. I just don't wear pants with flies anymore because I just keep forgetting to put my fly up. Are you saying

that you have just given in to the fly? Like you wouldn't fly. It's just like every time I'll just sit down and I'll just put my fucking dick out again. That's like an old man being like I just have to wear Velcro shoes. I cannot tie them anymore So I succumb

I wave the white flag It's a consciousness in the morning So these are what you're doing Pants that you pull down over your balls now? Yeah, yeah, yeah I mean like shorts Come the fall I'll probably be back in pants and flats But for the summer I'm done

I can't do it anymore Because my mind is so gone I don't know how many times it was exactly. I just looked at my phone. I want to say it was three or four. I just kept trying to check the time. I just kept looking at my phone. Not looking at the numbers?

I just didn't look at the numbers. You've got the podcast twisties. You have the yips in real life. You're just like little things you're trying to do you can't accomplish. I think it's a larger problem of the technology we use all the time, and it's just seeping my brain away in everyone's. No, totally. I mean, there are a million times where I'll do that.

That one was egregious because all I wanted to do was look at the time. But there are plenty of times where I'll pick up my phone and I'll start fucking around and I'll put my phone back down. I'll be like, wait, why did I pick that up? I'll go on my phone to accomplish something. I've got to send that email. I got to look this thing up. I got to find the train time or look up the weather for tomorrow, like a task.

And before I do that, I open up Twitter and I fuck around, whatever, and then I put it back down. I'm like, I didn't do the thing I came to do. Now I can't even remember the thing that I came to do. It takes me six times touching my phone every morning to figure out the weather. Because you just don't look at it. I'll have a text. I'll reply to that text. I'll put it up open up porn hub yeah whatever you get distracted fuck that's right i wanted to check the goddamn time son of a check the weather i'm just standing there the time is the time is particularly funny where it's just like the big ass numbers right on the fucking front dude i'll do it because i i i hold my phone

like this my text yp used to always make fun of me about it. I basically have it like this. What's wrong with that? I don't know, but he would always – I guess other people do it out here. I kind of just – I use my stomach as a rest. Maybe it's for fat people? Yeah, I do it like – I'm on the phone like a drunk baby. You just kind of feel like this is how drunk babies would stand. And I just like to say drunk.

It's just like this is how a baby would stand yeah and i just like to say drunk um it's just like this is how a baby would stand yeah and so this is how like if everyone like a nice little visual of how my mornings go it is uh me standing naked in my bedroom uh sopping wet like mouth full of wet goldfish just just standing like this dick on dick on the sink and then putting my phone down and then going, oh, wait, hang on. Because I'm waiting to get dressed

to check the weather and looking out the door and windows don't help, apparently. And I just stand there for a while and then, it's probably a good ten minutes. A good ten minutes will get you there. When you paint visuals,

it makes me... Gross. Oh, wait. You know what? Speaking of tasks, I have a task that I think I want to crowdsource because I don't want to do it. It's a task I told you about this morning, and it's my bio. I can't remember because I am fucked. I knew it was going to be this. My biography.

Okay. My bio. I have been tasked by our PR team here. Oh, yes. Oh, that's a good idea. Yes. To write my bio. Okay. My bio. I have been tasked by our PR team here. Oh, yes. Oh, that's a good idea. Yes. Yes. To write my bio.

Okay. They have given me a bio template. Talent name. I'm going to go with John Feidelberg. Okay. Wait. Everybody. So John's going to give you a list of like five or six things these people were looking

for. So if you want to be a part of this, write this down. Get ready. Get out your notes. This is like a serious thing we have to do. I love this stuff. Yeah. Get ready. Get out your notes. This is like a serious thing we have to do. I love this stuff. This is why I'm not doing it. The alternative John said, I'm just not going to do this.

And I go, yeah, you're right. Just fill out the first couple ones and then the complicated ones you don't have to do. He goes, no, I'm just not going to do the whole thing. So it's either this or nothing. If they want this done, this is how it's getting done. I mean, a.k.a. Nick, you're doing this. Yeah, I had a feeling this was going to happen.

Okay, please share in a short paragraph or a few sentences who you are and your role here at Barstool Sports. This will be for external use with pitching advertisers, so keep it brand safe. Okay. I am the guy who fucking has. I do aquarium goldfish. I talk about fucking Kevin, my coworker, my partner here. I talk about fucking Kevin, my co-worker, my partner here. I talk about him being last in line in gang banks. I talk about sometimes I want my dick farted on.

Has that aired yet? If that hasn't aired yet, the audience is very confused. We got some tweets about that. Our Facebook group is like, John. It makes sense. It makes sense. Dude, when you play video games. Bro, you want.

Yes, John. It's very common that people want vibrations on their genitalia. There's vibrators that exist. Okay. It's the stinky gas that people have a problem with. My brothers, the stinky gas wouldn't be there I just don't have a fucking vibrator present It's just a butthole that can fart

You John wants a sex toy That's like a whoopee cushion Like a butt that you could squeeze And it would shoot And vibrate your dick You sick fuck Okay

What else do I do What do I do What do you do Well okay So that was I forgot about the brand safe line, so cross all of it out. Just think dumb drunk baby.

Keep going. Your area of expertise. N.A. Literally fucking none. Not available. How you got to where you are today. What brought you to Barstool in this particular area of expertise?

Dumb luck. If necessary. Sheer luck. Notable companies you've been a part of. None. And TikTok fame. None. Zero, zero, zero.

None, none, none. I drink smoothies after working out. Occasionally. I work out about once a month. And I spill protein on my chest Sometimes I'll drink a smoothie Yeah, how did I get to where I was today? Yeah, lucky

Kevin didn't get my jokes in my first email Almost lost the job because of that What was that again? What did you say to me? I said that So I got For those who don't know Which I imagine is everyone

I was Kevin's intern ten years ago And I You were like, yeah Because I finished in one of the intern top – the second in Boston. And I was like, I'll move to New York. And Kevin was like, yeah, we'll give you a job. And I was like, all right, cool. I was going to steal internet, but I guess I'll buy it now.

And then I went and met you on the cruise, and you were like, yeah, but man, just so you know, you definitely have to get internet. I was like, yeah, no, I figured. I think it was entirely possible that you were going to just steal the internet. No. Just sit up against

the wall of the apartment of your neighbor and just fucking steal it. I mean, listen, well into your career, and it's different because you were on the road, but well into your career

you were stealing fucking Wi-Fi off a bus. Yeah. So stealing internet is not that far fetched. I think, this is one of those ones Where I think

Had you met me It's more believable Yeah Having not met me That I just assumed Yeah You're like wow That's my reputation

I gotta steal the internet Yeah Okay A few more here So far so good though I think Yeah How would you best

Describe your fans And how you best connect with them Oh Probably just depression Yeah Yeah right Yeah my depression Probably hit that one pretty hard

It's like rock Yeah we're both We're all at rock bottom How would I describe my fans Rock bottom How do I connect with them We're at rock bottom together Yeah yeah yeah

I tied some rocks to my ankles And I'm sitting there with them Is that brand safe? Call out specific accolades or accomplishments. None. No, no, no. That's not true. Saturdays are for the boys.

The Tinder. Tinder. Saturdays are for the boys. Sad boy season. Those are your big ones. All right? Those are your top three. Sure.

Sure. Shameless plugs. If you have a tagline or a hashtag, please mention it. Don't have that. No, it's sad boy season. I guess. Kind of. Yeah.

So we wrote the bio. Most of it is just I did sad boy season once. Really, you can just – the whole thing is summed up as sad boy season. Who am I? I'm a sad boy. What are your fans? They're sad boys too. How do we relate?

They're all sad boys. What's your claim to fame? Sad boys. It works. Play the hits, man. I think that one is one I tried to buy the rights to first. Because you know they're going to fuck you over here. And then like

it's used like I think Kid Cudi had this song right after I'm pretty sure that was me. And you didn't get it?

I'm pretty fucking sure that I started saying sad boy. And you didn't get it? No of course I didn't get it. But like it's pretty widely used

and I hear it a lot I heard it recently on I think a different song and I was like I honestly. I hear it a lot. I heard it recently on, I think, a different song. And I was like, I honestly think I started that. Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah. You did it again.

It's like Home Alone 2. We did it again! Bro, did you see, Nick? Did you see what Cards Against Humanity sold for? $500 million. So, you know, not that we're Cards Against Humanity sold for? $500 million. So, you know, not that we're Cards Against Humanity level, but I think that we're, like, next in line with Answer the Internet. And Barstool's going to sell it for, like, $300.

And Pocket Ault. You know what they tried to make me do the other day? Not the other day. It was a couple months ago. I wouldn't have it any other way. Like, we have that question all the time. If you had a time machine, would you go back and change? And, like, it very clearly should be John, like, I wish I had all the rights to Saturday

for the boys. And he's like, I wouldn't change a thing. I really wouldn't. Like, the sad boy I had, I had, like, I was on the page of, like, the, I don't know, patent or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was just like, this looks like a whole thing. Well, that's a thing.

It was. That's a thing. They pay people. That's what Barstool does here. They pay people to go through the whole thing. When someone goes – if I have a company one day, I would be like you are the designated whole thinger. When I look at something, this is a whole thing. You come in and do it.

That's what the man has. That's what the corporations have. I'm glad you tried this time yeah i went to the front page and it was just like it was like it was like not having your search result on google's front page we were like well i'm not gonna go any further than this yeah it's just like this is this is too much i don't know i have to print something out right write? I mean, who was a printer? Come on. Can you think of anything else? Like literally, I wouldn't have to get up. It's right behind my desk.

I wouldn't have to get up to get it. Can you think of any other invention or piece of technology that went from everybody has them in their home to like nobody has them? It's a weird backwards technology like the printer. It's like, no, I don't have a printer. Whereas if you said that in like the 90s,

I'd be like, oh, you're the poor family. You're poor. You gotta have the printer with the white hole punch sides. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it would print out and it would do the Z fold.

That was with those green laptops. Yeah. It came on as a green page. Yes, like the Matrix computers. I remember we had one of those and it would do the Z-fold. That was with those green laptops. Yeah. It came on as a green page. Yes, like the Matrix computers. I remember we had one of those, and it was before we had the internet. So I was probably like, I don't know, five. And I don't know why,

this is the website I so desperately wanted to go to, but I would just type in www, and I swear to God this is the restaurant website, .hardrockcafe.com and and I just like it wouldn't work

because I obviously weren't connected to the internet and that's not how that thing works but creep dots over here why did you want to go to the Hard Rock Cafe I think

Hard Rock Cafe is fire Hard Rock Cafe is dope I got a I don't think I've ever been to one I got a Hard Rock Cafe I just had a lifelong affiliation I had

I had what did you say affili why I said that. I don't think I've ever been to one. I got a Hard Rock Cafe. I just had a lifelong affiliation for it. I had a – what did you say? Affiliation. I said affiliation. I meant admiration. I don't think you meant that either. I think you meant affinity. Affinity. Affinity.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I meant. I got a Hard Rock – I keep saying Hard Rock Cafe. I'm mixing the words up. Hard Rock Cafe shirt from, I don't know, San Diego or some shit. I went on vacation. And I thought – I mean I wore that like – you know when you were a kid, you had like – you could wear like – I had a rule. You could wear like something once a week.

You know what I mean? Like if I had like a cool shirt, I wore that already this week. I can't wear it again. They didn't put a rule in for me on that one. Huh? They didn't have to put a rule in for me on that one. You can wear an outfit twice. But would you wear it like the next week or would you put even more space in between it?

Because I was like – I have my clothes I like to wear wear i was like it's time you know i i can wear this again it was like mondays are my hard rock shirt i love that that was i was a hard rock awesome i the best of the business yeah speaking of my hard rock cafe my affinity for and planet hollywood i met the owner of both rather recently baller founder i don't know if he's still the owner of both rather recently baller a founder i don't know if he's still the owner what is robert earl is his name um and i i was argue i didn't know who he was i knew he was a cool british guy because i i you can tell he's important yeah but i was like i don't know it's like the bucks owner when i saw him in the airport like this guy's flying a private jet and he you know he's somebody but i didn't know he's a box owner hey and so i'm talking to

him and he like actually he's asking about a podcast and i was like i was like he said what's it about and i was like i don't know like i said i lied and said sports a little bit and uh and i was like sports and like sex and he was like he's like oh you know you break a sweat doing both and i was like oh this guy's cool so we started going back and forth and we're talking about shit and uh we started talking about soccer because he's British and I don't have much I can say besides like football, huh? In it? Football, in it? And he was – he's like, I'm an Everton fan.

And I was like, oh, fuck Everton, man. I was like – because Everton is the same town as Liverpool. I was like, Liverpool, baby, up the Reds. Fucking Everton sucks. And he was like – he was busting balls back, and we were kind of going back and forth a bit. And then much later in the day, long after I'd left Robert's presence,

someone says, you know he used to own Everton, right? And I was like, oh! I thought I was just arguing with an Everton fan. Not like, like I sat down with John Henry and was like, fuck the Red Sox, baby! Yankees for life! But I bet he loved that because nobody treats him that way.

And I wouldn't have had to know who he was. You would have fucking been a pussy about him like everyone else. I sucked his dick if I knew who he was. He was just a funny British guy I was talking to. And it was... We ran into him again later. He was fucking cool as shit.

But he is... I didn't apologize to him. I felt like I owed him an apology, maybe. No! No, that guy's cool. He likes himself. I actually think he still is. If you check his Wikipedia, I looked at it recently because I was telling the story to my dad.

And I believe he actually still is the director of football operations or something like that. Director of football forever. That guy's a gangster. That guy is a baller, bro. Not the asshole. These, we'll find out right now if these guys are the asshole. Am I the asshole for pointing to the kitchen when my mother-in-law asked

where's our dinner? My husband has a serious knee injury a few weeks. Had a serious injury. I don't know why I said knee. I'm just making things up. My husband had a serious injury weeks ago. He's bedridden and his family comes to see him every day. Mother-in-law keeps drilling what I need to do to make my husband comfortable

but does nothing to help. Just visits every day. Sits around expecting to be fed and entertained. Sometimes brother-in-law, his wife, and kids join them. Turn the house into a hot mess. Yesterday, mother-in-law, her husband, and son came over again. They checked in on my husband and they went to sit in the living room for hours. I served them coffee and croissant.

Hours later, my husband threw up again second time. I had to take care of him, changing his clothes, cleaning the sheets, avoid infections. I was exhausted, came downstairs and my mother-in-law looked at me and said, hey, where's our dinner? I was shocked that after seeing me go up and down the stairs so many times, cleaning and bringing new sheets,

running the washing machine, she'd expect me to prepare dinner. I had eaten a sandwich at six and yogurt. This is what I don't, I can't believe this. These people, and certainly the woman that's undoubtedly writing this. She said, I had already eaten a sandwich at six and I had yogurt. Parentheses. I have problems with my stomachs and stresses. It's like, nobody fucking cares. Does not matter at all. You've got your pregnancy and you're stressing your stomach. Get to the point. I pointed at the kitchen and told her to help herself out. She gave me a look, then said she didn't expect me to ask her to cook dinner at my house. I said I didn't expect her to ask me to

cook dinner while I'm taking care of her son. She started arguing about the way I spoke about my husband saying as his partner, this is the least I could do and called me unhinged for throwing it in her face that I'm helping my husband. She got blah, blah, blah. She lives in the States, in the South. Shocking. I thought that was going to be a British thing. It goes on and on, but bottom line,

are you the asshole for pointing to the kitchen? No. No. I think that you are... She's not an asshole. Like, the mother-in-law is an asshole for coming over and being this lazy piece of shit. I feel like she lives in the house. The mother-in-law does?

That's the vibe I was getting. No, no, because it said, yesterday, mother-in-law, her husband, and son came again. Oh, okay. Yeah, they visit every day, though. They sit around expecting everything to be done. It's like, well, if you're going to come, like, every day, it's not like a your house, my house sort of thing. If you're staying basically every day in someone's house because of an injury situation, like, at that point, it's all the same.

I think that she's an asshole. I think the woman, like, you're within your right to do it, but it's going to be a fight and going to be a thing now. You know, like if, if, if you're an asshole about it and you said, where's my dinner? I can do one of two things. I can like take the high road and be like,

Hey, listen, I didn't have time to cook dinner. I've been doing a lot around the house. So like, you're welcome to fix something for yourself if you want, but I just didn't have time to do it. Or I'm going to take the low road and go point to it.

Like she's a dog and you're within your right to do, treat her like a dog. But I think you have to recognize that like road and go point to her like she's a dog. And you're within your right to treat her like a dog, but I think you have to recognize that now you are now kind of being shitty back to her. And that's okay, but I think I would personally take the high road and make her continually be – Oh, but you're not an asshole if you're an asshole back. Well, you're not, but you – That's some shit that fucking – that's some shit that fucking –

as a parent, you've got to fix this. You've got to stop the vicious cycle of this. Of parents teaching their kids that he started it isn't a valid fucking excuse. Oh, it's totally valid. That doesn't matter. It's because he started it. No, he fucking started it. For sure.

That's a valid excuse. My mom used to say that she was like – she always said like, don't worry about the principal. You get in trouble with me. That's what matters. And like if you punch someone in the face because they punch you first, like all good. I'm fine with that. But also I like to teach. It's more like with your sisters and stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're crying. And it's like, well, she started it. It doesn't matter if she started it. Yes, it does. This wouldn't be an issue right now if it wasn't her. She started it with someone bigger than her. And now she's dealing with the repercussions.

Right. That's what happened. But don't you think that. So much. She pulled my hair. I pulled her hair. Guess who pulled hair harder? Yeah, guess who's going to win that battle?

Some things are just fucking biological, okay? I think, though, if you take the high road there, you only continue to make her look like the asshole. Like if you're witty and clever about calling her out for being a bag of shit and you do it in a manner that's – Yeah, vicious rhetoric, if you can go that route. Yeah, that's what I mean. But I think a point – The point is effective, but I think kind of what she said in that, if it was just like, oh, I'm sorry. I've been taking care of your son all day and like – But also that's a fucked up thing.

That's an asshole thing. It's like, well, it's your husband. Yes, yes. But that's what I mean. It's asshole, but it's technically – Also, the guy fucking seems like he's shitting his pants in bed. I feel like he's about to die or something, dude. Well, yeah, he seems to be really under the weather.

He's going to fucking... He had surgery, right? We're going to bury your son soon. Fuck. I'm all good with it, but I just think when you're playing the game of who's the asshole, if you want to make sure they're the asshole and you're not, I think there are certain things you might want to do or avoid

to not even give them ammo. She can come back and be like, I didn't realize and if she had just told me, but instead she pointed to the door like I was a dog. Some bullshit like that. But I'm petty, so go for it. But I also don't care about if you label me an asshole. If you want to make sure you're not

the asshole, I don't think pointing to the door is the best way to go. So it depends on what you care about. I allow it. No asshole. Judge is ruling. Not the asshole. Am I the asshole for complaining about getting an expired breakfast bar for employee appreciation day? I have worked with my employer for three years.

This is not some rinky-dink mom-and-pop place. Our CEO made $16 million last year, and you would absolutely know the company if I named it. Today, I came into an email from upper management saying, quote, happy employee appreciation day, and inviting us to share photos of our various local celebrations with our area leaders. It was then that I realized that the kind bar, two months expired, that had been waiting for me on my desk was my branch manager's offering as her appreciation for my hard work. How embarrassing, right?

She must have not noticed that it expired, only this is the second time that she's gifted us expired food. Last year's employee appreciation box was a box of Nutri-Grain bars left on the break room table. The prior year, she expressed her appreciation with a homemade fried egg sandwich in a Ziploc bag for each of us.

Other branches have lunch brought in. They get balloons and decorations or even handwritten cards. Our branch has a ton of turnover, and I've expressed to my boss's boss that it's my opinion that we lose so many people because the manager doesn't appreciate the hard work her employees put in. Yickity-yackity-yada. I snapped a photo of my expired gift, sent it to my boss's boss with a note saying that I don't feel

like it was our blah blah blah. Am I the asshole for complaining about this? Specifically, am I the asshole for complaining to upper management? So it's not that she's pissed off about this. She took a picture and emailed your boss's boss and said, like, this is what's going on here. That, I think, changes the situation. It does.

I think this person's the asshole for giving a fuck about employee appreciation. I'm on the boss's side. I appreciate you every fucking week. Here's a check. Yeah, right. Well, that's also because we're horribly brainwashed here. We've been living in a toxic barrel of fucking week. Here's a check. Yeah, right. That's also because we're horribly brainwashed. We've been living in a toxic barrel of

fucking hell for 10 years. It's not like you shouldn't. I feel like I'm... I hope I'm pretty good at saying good job and thank you. But like, the people who genuinely are like, I am an employee and there aren't balloons here?

I'm really appreciative today. What kind of business are we running here? The people who genuinely are like, I am an employee and there aren't balloons here on Employee Appreciation Day. The balloons is fucked. What kind of business are we running here where I don't have fucking gold balloons for how many days I've been employed tied to my chair the day I show up on Employee Appreciation Day? Fuck off. That's crazy. If the other branches are getting Chick-fil-A sent in, that's something that you look at and you just go like, oh, what the fuck? Down in Scranton, they got – I knew it was going to be an office place. You say branch, you're naming an office.

Yeah, 100%. But I think this woman, it's a woman or whatever, the boss is like – Oh, Kevin. It's a woman. It's a woman. No doubt. No doubt. You're checking The expiration date

Like kind of If something's in plastic I'm just eating it No but I meant What do you think The boss is I think the boss Is a woman

Oh I think they're both women Yeah yeah That's what I was saying I feel like I like to think the boss Is like Like she buys it every year On employee appreciation day

And just saves it Like for next year Yeah I think she's sitting at her I think she gets to work and she goes, it's fucking Employee Appreciation Day. And then she's like, yeah, here's a kind bar. It's like in another Home Alone reference.

I didn't know they still made Nutri-Grain bars. They're good, but I didn't know they still made them. Oh, baby. Yeah, I love it. I've got nothing against Nutri-Grain bars. They're fantastic. Nutri-Grain bars are the most top five next week. Most fraudulent healthy foods in the game.

Oh, okay. Those are not healthy. Those are good. Anything that tastes good is not healthy for you. Those are really good. What's your favorite flavor? The strawberry. The green blueberry.

You know what's pretty good? The apple one. Nah, I don't care for apple-flavored stuff. I don't care for you. Okay, that's fair. Guess who else does it? mom and me i think she's just like yeah i'll hear you fucking go lady uh and then i don't care what happens short of violence sexual assault anything like that if you email someone a boss's boss you're an asshole yeah

if you cc a boss on an email if you snitch if you rat you're an asshole especially this is not even she didn't do something wrong

this is just like I have some feelings I feel a way about this you're not appreciating me enough I'm gonna email like the CEO suck a dick I hope that the boss's boss

writes back like or doesn't write back at all I hope a secretary writes back like we ceo suck a dick i hope that the boss's boss writes back like or doesn't write back at all i hope a secretary writes back like we don't give a fuck like you know what i wouldn't appreciate you either because you're an asshole who does this i made 60 million dollars last year i don't give a shit about your fucking fuck you man inspired kind bars get out of here but like i mean i wouldn't even know where to find the expiration date on the kind bar have you ever picked up a fucking anything Anything in a bag doesn't expire. Yeah, I just fucking eat it. Yeah, that's a fucking rule.

It's not fucking like raw meat. No. Just fucking eat it. Right. It's fucking – Milk – here are the things that expire. Milk, meat, maybe cheese because I feel like some cheese is like – Cheese just expired.

It's aged like 17 years. Yeah. And bread. You get like moldy. Yeah. Otherwise – It doesn't expire. Yeah.

No way. And it might get stale like Like the cookies aren't crunchy. The things go soft. Bro, I have a pair of fucking, a box, a bag, or whatever you call them, of Chips Ahoy in my fucking cabinet right now. Been there for months. I just eat them. They're a little soft.

They're pretty good. These babies, now these are sealed up nicely. Oh, but those are softer shit. Are they? Oh, yeah. Well, I don't need them. Yeah, oh, yeah, for sure. We've been eating these since February, right? Oh, no. I'm going to eat them. Yeah, for sure. We've been eating these since February, right?

Oh, no, you got a good crunch there. Yeah, all right. Never mind. I'm not interested in them. I like the soft ones. Those are April. Those are April. You're good.

Fine. So, this one backfired on you, didn't it, bitch? You're the asshole. All right, last one. All right, let's see. A couple more here. What is it, Lou? We do have 25 minutes, so it. Let's see. A couple more here. We have 25 minutes.

Am I the asshole for not taking my child on vacation? 49 male. I have a 17-year-old child who has to get a very much needed medical surgery in a month or two. The medical bills costed us a lot of money to a point that we had to dip into our vacation funds in order to pay for it, but we paid nonetheless. I see where this is going and this is fucked up. We have a trip coming up to go on a family vacation to LA. We do this every year. It's basically tradition and we have each a separate fund

so we can do all that we want while they're basically fun money as well as basic necessities. Unfortunately, in order to pay for our child's surgery, I had to dip into the vacation funds and now we can't afford to bring them with us. I can't just cancel this trip because that wouldn't be fair

for their other younger brother, 11 years old, and my wife, 47, who have been looking forward to this trip all year since we couldn't go last year. I want them to come with us, but we've already spent the money on medical bills and in my opinion, that's more important than a family vacation

and they should be more grateful. My child got upset when I told them this and they haven't spoken to me much since, which I think is a little bratty. But I don't really know what else to do. Like I said, I can't cancel this trip. It wouldn't be fair for the rest of the family. We've already spent a portion of their funds on this upcoming surgery and can no longer afford the trip. So wait a minute. So the sick child is not coming.

Correct. Buddy, you are the biggest asshole on the planet. The biggest. Not taking your kid on vacation isn't an asshole thing. Going on vacation without your children, totally fine thing to do. If you're not bringing your kid as punishment because his very much needed surgery had made you dip into your vacation fund, and then he says, but we think it was worth it. You said it was a very much needed surgery had made you dip into your vacation fund and then he says but it what we think it was worth it you said it was a very much needed surgery for a child yeah yeah i'd say it's worth it he's fucking worth it bro biggest asshole in the world like

he's like i think it's a little bratty that he's pissed off about this as a matter of fact they might you might get asshole of the year award seriously and if anything i think you got to tell the 11 year old son We gotta pick between one of you And your sister's about to die So they're going But I mean Figure out a way to pony up another

You know 700 bucks for As you say you're going to LA Right You need a flight And then she can sleep on One of them's sleeping on a cot You don't need an extra room It's not Tokyo

You're going to LA Fucking drive That's This is as bad as it gets It's You don't need an extra room or whatever. You're going to L.A. Fucking drive. This is as bad as it gets. Am I the asshole for punishing my sick child? Holy fucking Christ on the cross. I let him know every night that he's really hurting the family with their financial problems.

And if he could just magically get better, that would be a much better way to do it. But unfortunately, he's not going to get to see grandma and grandpa now. And what is – Which I'm sure are probably the only two people who love him in his life. And what do you do? They're going to go on vacation and, like, we'll send you a postcard. Yeah, yeah. Who's watching the kid? Who's watching the person in the – like, who's picking the person up from surgery?

From post-op, yeah. It seems like he's not even there. You're rolling out of the OR and your brother's sending you, like, Snapchats of him ziplining and, you know, he's out on the beach You're rolling out of the OR, and your brother's sending you Snapchats of him ziplining, and he's out on the beach. Hey, look, the Hollywood sign. Thanks. I'm still in the hospital. Did you guys forget me here?

That's some Vinalberg shit, man. All right, last one. Am I the asshole for blatantly cheating during a trivia competition at my place of work? I work at a company where there's a trivia contest a few times a week run by a guy who really puts a lot of effort into it. All the fans love it. It's really good, wholesome content that everybody loves. There's been a couple cheating instances that we thought we figured out. Most people realize, hey, this is just something cool that everybody enjoys. So why don't you just not be an asshole and cheat? But I said, fuck it, I'm going to cheat anyway.

I blatantly did so on our last episode where I cheated so many times, it's borderline comical. I was answering questions that I pulled out of my asshole at the last second. My tone of voice made no sense. My eye movement made no sense. The answers I was giving made no sense. But I think that I brought attention to the trivia contest that already had a ton of attention and got a lot of views. It's one of our most well-watched videos

on YouTube. Gets hundreds of thousands of views anyway, but I brought attention to it by cheating. So am I the asshole? I thought I was going to be the last guy. We got a new asshole of the year. There it is. If you cheat during a trivia competition, who would do such a thing? The biggest scumbag on the planet Earth.

If I was Team Minahan, I'd quit. I wouldn't be on a team. You wouldn't even be on a team with cheaters? Wait, did I say Team Minahan? I don't know what that means. How did I know that? If I was on that team with the person who ran into this fucking asshole, I'd quit on the spot.

I will not be on a team with accused cheaters. No, sirree. You heard the man in the hypothetical situation. You can't keep your own honor if you stay on a team with accused cheaters. You're part of the problem at that point. You're complicit. There was an update to that one. I just sent it to you.

Oh, did you? An update on Reddit. Let me just check this. This is from the Reddit page. Today, a majority decision was reached by the Players Association of the Dozen Trivia Competition. I'm on the edge of my seat. Boy, me too. Of the what competition? Of the hypothetical trivia situation on Reddit.

Okay. This person who wrote in has been suspended. Temporarily. Temporarily suspended. My decision as commissioner of the hypothetical situation to suspend Trista, the person, for the entire season. No!

The entire 21. She'll be back for season three in 2022, 2023. Wow. The decision comes following damning evidence in the show, a horribly uncomfortable appearance on the rundown in which her teammate, Pat, agreed that her performance was suspicious, a tweet implying that she brought buzz to the show,

Kirk pushing me to step up and take control of the show, her breaking the rules in the middle of the show. I mean, you can tell that Dave wrote this because he said the show, the show, the show. And the most disliked episode in the history of the dozen on YouTube. That team, Minahan, they said it too. What a coincidence. Can replace her on the team and will get to keep their win based on past precedent.

However, Uptown Balls will not be given a loss. See, now, if I had a vote in this, I would have voted for temporary suspension, which I guess maybe that is. It's not a lifetime ban. I thought it was going to be long. Yeah, it's not a lifetime ban. I thought it was going to be less. I thought temporary suspension meant – You did get a vote. Oh, I did?

Yeah, you should have. It's in your email. I think all competitors – Jackie, the original 39 members got a vote, so you should have voted. No, I know. I was kidding. Like, I was still pretending. I didn't know what we were talking about.

How could I get a vote on this Reddit thing? I did get a vote. I did vote for temporary suspension. Because I do think that if you get caught in the cheating such as that, you should have a chance to prove that either you did or you didn't. And I think it's funnier if you just start to suck afterwards. Yeah, like if this person went on. If you did something outrageous like you got two points in the fucking competition.

Like something just like beyond the pale. Like you averaged like 14 points a game. Somehow you only got two in the live show. If that were to happen. If that were to happen. If that were to happen. The commissioner of this league said, he may release a statement saying, my message to all contestants, do not come on the dozen and make a fucking mockery of the show. The next penalty levied against someone wrapped up in a cheating scandal will be a permanent ban.

Permanent ban, huh? This is it. This is it. This is going to be called the, what was the name of this girl from Reddit? Trista. This will be called, like, you know, there's Jordan rules and Brady rules. This is the Trista rule. The next person to be.

If you look at the form, it's actually Trista Kirk. So whoever wrote that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, okay. Asshole. Let's do our voicemails. All right, let's get into our voicemails. It's brought to you by Lightboxer.

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But I wanted to have you guys do a little math for this question. So going back, say, 10,000 years or so to the dawn of civilization, how many people do you think your direct paternal line, like your dad's dad, dad's dad, dad's dad, dad's dad, how many people collectively do you think they have murdered? To be at war, survival, crime of passion, who knows? But how many people do you think there's murdered? I have a Viking spot in my lineage, so I'm afraid my count might be a little up there.

Thanks, guys. I mean, it's got to be weird if you are Asian and you're probably related to Genghis Khan. And it's like, yeah, my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, was a murderous, rampaging, marauder, rapist, you know? That's tough. Stuff. Like, there's got to be, I think they, didn't they hunt this person down for, like, a documentary? Didn't they find Hitler's ancestors? I don't know.

That's the first I've heard of it. Or no, I know there's a documentary where they found all the living Adolfs. I know they did that. Really? No, we made that up for the show. I think. We talked about there were like seven or something alive.

I think we did make up the idea to track it down, but I do think there's a documentary about one of them. Gotcha. Maybe not all of them. That was a good idea. Yeah. Oh, I had a movie idea the other day, and I forgot to say it,

and now it's probably going to be gone forever. Fuck, it was a good one, too. You could have not made a lot of money on that. Was it during the interview that you did the other day? One came up during. What did I say? I forget. Well, you're fucking.

We're just forgetting our movie ideas here. I don't. I mean, this is a fucking wacky question. I have no idea how many people. I think I'm pretty fucking low. I would put my family against a lot of families. Why? Just because they're –

You have no idea. I have none, but like – so we're not like – so we're not old, old America. So no slaves. Right. That's a pretty big mess. Yeah. A lot of families. I think both my great-grandparents immigrated here.

So it's not some old shit. Yep. Maybe great-great. And then the ones, my mother's side who immigrated here from Canada. Man, how many people are you killing up there? Nobody's killing anything in Canada except for moose and shit. It's not like a bunch of wars and shit up in Canada. Yeah, you're right.

I mean, it's got to be. And then the other ones are from Latvia. So it's got to be like if you're somehow. The Canadians are Irish though. They're both Irish if you're somehow. The Canadians are Irish, though. They're both Irish, but they're. Canadians are Irish. Yeah, I think they came from Ireland to Canada. Right there.

I guess no, because that was my. So my grandmother's side was Canadian. My grandfather's side, Irish. Oh, shut up. Nobody cares. Grandmother's Irish. They're not murderers. Grandfather's Latvian.

Latvia, Ireland, and Canada. You need to be related to Germans Russians Genghis Khan Asians Southerners People Yeah southern Old money south

Yeah Colonial England is probably tough Colonial England probably Hits you pretty good yeah But that's probably You know If you're a mutt And you get some English in you

You know If you're English Scottish Irish Like you You know You might be Like you said

Irish no big deal But like You know Somewhere along the line There's a British dad in there, you might be, like, you said, oh, Irish, no big deal. But, like, you know, somewhere along the line, there's a British dad in there, you know? And they murder the Irish. There's potato famines and fucking, you know, the best is probably the victims, you know? How many murdered victims are there? No, no, no.

The most clean family descendants are victims, you know? No, I'm not following. Like, if you were the victims of, like, I'm going No, I'm not following. Like, if you were the victims of, like, uh, I I'm gonna, I probably shouldn't say this, but it's like, if your whole family's Jewish, you're not doing the murdering. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you probably don't have many many murders if you were the people

getting oppressed. But everybody else probably got some blood on their hands. Yeah, yeah, oh, I'm not saying there's zero, but I'm saying I would put heavy money that most of my ancestors were not involved in any atrocities. I need that isolated. That is really funny. Heavy money.

That is really funny. Am I going to fuck not gonna But that like If Would you wanna know Like to do some 23andMe and shit And it's like I wouldn't care

Would you wanna find out Cause part of me Like if I found out that like Bill the Butcher Was my like Great great great Part of me would be like That's pretty cool

Oh yeah And then part of me is like There's like I've got blood Like I've got You know the murder gene in me See I wouldn't have that That wouldn't bother me

The murder gene Yeah cause As Dead Lasso says, Kevin, all people are different people. But I know in the office, Andy finds out, or I think they just try to convince Andy that his family were slave owners. I forget if it was convincing or if he actually did. And he's heartbroken about it. I wouldn't be happy about it. It's like, I wouldn't be happy about it. It's like Dennis and Dee when they find out about Grandpa. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Open the door with a banana in your hand wearing the Hitler gear. Nazi gear. I wouldn't be like, hell yeah, Gramps did it. But, like, it wouldn't send me into a spiral either. I'd be like, oh, yeah. By the way. So my great-grandfather was a piece of fucking shit. I don't know.

What do you want me to do? You see this trailer for Dexter? No, I haven't actually. It's pretty cool. Yeah? Is he in Boston? I thought it was like... He's like a lumberjack still

so I think he's in Skipping Stone, Vermont. Oh, is he? Yeah. I know like Boston.com tweeted out. Boston. They take anything.

It gets a little sad, right? We're now claiming Dexter as our own? Like, come on, man. Dexter has New England roots? Yeah, come on. Does he really? Yeah.

I remember one of the saddest things we did was when we, like, followed McLovin around Boston when he was partying. Yes. And it's like, dude, McLovin's in Boston. Like, look at him. He's at a bar in Boston. It was like, all right, guys. Come on, guys.

Relax. Especially when you had all, like, you had some cool shit to lean on. You didn't need to lean on fucking those things. You know what I mean? You can be like,

Tom Brady plays here. You know, like, we win the championship all the time. But Dexter's like, he's hiding out and wherever, you know,

skipping stone, and he's like, they did, like, the music that, like, remember that Dexter music when he's cooking the eggs in the opening scene? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's a lot of, like, the music that like, remember the Dexter music when he's cooking the eggs in the, so there's a lot of like the food cooking.

And, um, and he's like, he's like, I'm just looking, he's doing like a monologue. He's like, I'm just constantly looking over my shoulder.

Like someone's going to find me. And, uh, at one point there's there, I think there is a murder in the town and that like sets it off. Like the police come, something like that. But there's a scene where,

uh, there's blood and he's like, and the person's like, what are you, a pussy basically? He's like, I just got a thing about blood. It's just cool little drops. He's selling a knife. He's in an outdoorsy store and the guy's an asshole.

He grabs the knife and he's like, he starts fucking around with it. Dexter's like, he's up dude. He's like, what? You got a problem with it? He's kind of like no i don't but i just don't want you to get me horny i think it will be i think it has a chance it's it's a cool like we're gonna right the wrongs yeah yeah you know like what if one day game of thrones has a season eight or some shit and it's like or nine whatever it was

and like we're gonna fix it you know because that's what Dexter is trying to do here. And I think knowing you can't fuck it up twice, right? Yeah. You got to nail this. You got to be like, I think if you went to, to,

to production with it, you know, you've got it. So I have high, particularly because like, it was so long ago that like, people weren't like clamoring.

People weren't talking about it. No, they just, they wanted to fix it, you know? And also, but like, also I think it,

no, it's been on Netflix for a long time. So I was thinking maybe it just went on Netflix and it got popular. No, no. Cause people aren't really talking about it. And also, I think it's been on Netflix for a long time. So I was thinking maybe it just went on Netflix and it got popular. No, no. Because people aren't really talking about it much. No, no. I think it's going to do well, though.

Hey, what's up, fellas? Quick one for you. So, what is a word that you either use or have heard a lot that sounds like it should be a racial slur, but is not. So, fancy. I know you're a big fan of the term jumoke, something like that. Sounds like something my old Italian grandfather would say. Totally isn't. Also, something along those lines.

Also, if either of you know where I could find a reasonably priced apartment in Metro Atlanta, about a 45-minute commute from the airport, that'd be great. Later. I thought he was really just going to ask for an apartment. Like maybe some stoolie would listen and find out. That was funny. Bro. That was good.

I told you when we were driving out to the live show, I was showing Kevin the place is looking great. It was not decimated by the hurricane. It was not decimated by the hurricane. It was not decimated by the hurricane. It's looking real nice. And actually, another thing on the way out to the live show

that I brought up that we forgot to talk about, your boy has control of his money now. Hey. And my mom gave me all my money. My mommy,

my mommy, like, gave me the password and now... I got all my money and the second it happened, my first thought was, I'm going password. And now I got all my money. And the second it happened, I, my first thought was,

I'll buy drinks for everyone at the live show. Yeah. You know what you are? Spend a quick, quick couple thousand bucks. You know what you are? You got out of your conservatorship. And,

and you're like free, free, free Johnny. Yeah. And, and this is what, what, what Brittany's going to do too.

She's going to ball out and spend all her money the way you did. Maybe some people need a conservatorship. People are going to be like, you see? We told you. Britney's going to go on a spree of buying houses just to burn them down. Could you imagine if Britney Spears bought in Newman, Alabama? Newman, Atlanta. Newman, Georgia, baby.

Come on. Jamoke definitely sounds like a racial slur. The Yak did this with gick. They just made up the term gick. They're like, you know, these fucking gicks keep running around here. It sounds very racist. This is not like a made up one. I can't believe we say black.

The blacks. When people say like the blacks, the black vote or the blacks are coming out. But that's actually, see, times change. That's actually the preferred nomenclature now. I know, but that's crazy to me. I think the blacks is probably not very used. But the black vote and black people. I feel like I hear blacks.

Well, maybe we run in different circles. I think people would generally refer to a person with dark skin as an African-American, but most black people aren't African-American. Some are, but yeah. This is an argument we had with David Ortiz. Is David Ortiz black? Right. And I was like, yes, he is.

He's black. He's Dominican, but he's black. But even that is like... We got to get a new voicemail quick. If you want to talk about the literal definition... Like, this is black. Nobody except for fucking... Remember Queeth Daney, Dwayne on Syracuse? That guy was...

No. That guy was the color of this fucking cat. The fact that we were just like, it's a catch-all with a fucking color from Crayola sounds fucking, like, I can't believe that that is used on the news and shit. And, like, journalism. That's crazy to me. I think it's what the black community wants.

Yeah. But you know what I mean? New voicemail! I'll tell you what, the fucking first shoot didn't open. Luckily, the backup one went. You really weren't, you're really not going to be happy with where I was going next.

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voicemail plays, just kind of scroll on Twitter and I'm seeing some tweets from our Barstool Confessions episode which is out today and did you grow up and were you taught as a child into adulthood that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute? I wasn't taught that, no. But did you think it?

Do you think it? I found that out from, like, the Da Vinci Code. Okay. But you thought it. Because apparently it's not true. So, like, when I – during Confessions, Chaps was talking about how Jesus never did anything wrong. And I was like, well, he fucked whores. And, yeah, he used a hard wrong. And I was like, well, he fucked whores. And yeah, he used the hard W.

And he was like, what? Like, Chaps had never heard this before. Yeah, no, I definitely heard it. I guess there are two schools of thought that either she was. Oh, you know what it was? I think in the Da Vinci Code, the story was that it's a made-up story to slander her. Okay. But it was a thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think. Chaps had to slander her. Okay. But it was a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think... Traps had never heard of it. Okay, so maybe he's saying that's not true, but it's definitely a thing out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he looked it up. He's like, you're right.

There are people who think that. Right, because I think the whole story was that they tried to keep the matriarchy down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, no, no, no, she's not. Because that's like the whole dimension was that she is the... Right?

Is Mary Magdalene was the one that was carrying his seed or some shit like that. I very much. Yeah. So they were trying to like slander her and they called her a whore. But yeah, that's that's

OK. Bad, bad PR for Mary. Real rough. Last one. Yeah. The twisties. OK. See, right.

Jackie, Nick, everybody else is there. I got a kind of an am I the asshole question for you? Talk to this girl for a few months now and

every time that we hook up we do it in the posterior and for just once I'd like to do it regular but she doesn't want to am I the asshole for that bye

that was it huh I think But she doesn't want to. I'm not an asshole for that. Bye. That was it, huh? I think there's no other... I'll get my girl to just stop making me fuck her ass. You know that phrase... He's just trying to get deep in some puss. You know that phrase, don't look a gift horse in the mouth, pal? Just fuck your girlfriend in the butt, man.

Like, you know how many guys out there are like punching their fucking TVs right now? I mean, I can see that. No, but I get it. You're a fucking asshole, Dave. You like to slip into a nice warm puss. I will tell you this much. Next voicemail, please.

I will tell you this much. You know, the posterior, as you would call it. Why don't you call it anal? Why don't you grow up and call it fucking ass sex? I will tell you this much You know The posterior As you would call it Why don't you call it anal Why don't you grow up And call it fucking ass sex Yeah

Call it butt banging dude Come on That has it's It has it's It's gonna melt If you said the word gape It has it's merits For things like that

You know And it's There's some things That are physically appealing About it But A There's a lot of some things that are physically appealing about it. But A, there's a lot of things that are not physically appealing about it. And B, that's mostly a porn thing and a mental thing, a taboo thing. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it comes to just what feels best around your dick, it's not the butt. It's the thing that was truly designed for it, you know? Like, whether it was God, whether it was evolution, whatever you believe, the pussy's about the best design thing in the world. Think about it. Think about what gets the job done better than a pussy. There are companies like Roman, billion dollar companies that are invented with medicine. Trying to hold the puss back. Trying to stop the pussy. Trying to get the matriarchy down. Trying to keep the

glass ceiling suppressed down. There are companies that are like, this pussy's too dominant. There needs to be the pussy rules. They need to change the rules for Shaq and Jordan and Bill Russell and Will Chamberlain. They need to change the rules for the pussy. It's that successful at what it does. Think about it.

What works better? What accomplishes its goal Better than the pussy Nothing That's why there's the power of it That's why too That's why they launch fucking wars over it Anyone who's like Hell of a Troy must have had the best pussy

Oh my god That shit could fuck It's like If you're thinking about slandering this kid Think about how do you jerk off You jerk off like this with just two Fingers we go away and you wrap that fucking baby up No fucking that's that's you know you break through and it's cool there, and that's just it's in an open fucking field after that

What you get into the stratosphere? Am I fucking a balloon? I've got a breeze before am I fucking a balloon? You're thinking trying to hit a wall. I'm just looking for a wall. Bro, I've caught a breeze before in there. You gotta ride. It's like riding the guardrail.

You gotta look for Remember in Remember in Barstool America? Remember in Barstool America when they said the way to get through the maze you just find a wall and you hug it

and you go all the way around? That's what you're doing. You just gotta find a wall, man. I can't find it in there. The pussy though. There's one way around. That's what you're doing. You just got to find a wall, man. I can't find it in there. It's in the pussy, though. There's one giant wall. I was in college once. I thought I was just floating in space.

Like an astronaut who wasn't tethered to his ship anymore. I just got low gravity in here. Feidelberg was having anal in college like Sandra Bullock in Gravity. Floating around. Can we just do it in the vagina, please? I mean, I don't think – well, I don't know. It sounds like your girl is into – maybe she's just backwards and she likes that more. This kid is like – it's just reverse for him.

So you get to have sex, you get to have pussy sex on Valentine's Day, on your birthday, and on anniversaries, and all that when she's drunk. You know? Imagine this guy, he's like, have another shot, babe. I'm going to get you loosened up so we can go home and have vaginal sex. This kid's like, I'm going to do this in tears. He's like that drill tweet Like I'm spending

Hundreds of dollars a month On lube Cause I have to use it Can't I just get a natural Fucking lubrication At one point $3.99 One time for me babe

Gotta fucking Pay with these These dudes just fucking Fucking all this cum Falling out of her all the time Oh man The fake water The the fuck water. Like, yeah, last in line again.

I think you're within your rights to ask for it. But if she's got some sort of thing, maybe this is one of those religious things. Maybe one of those. You know, those girls, I'm still a virgin. Yeah, I'm a virgin even though you could put a football in there. I had that. The first girlfriend I ever did anal with was just very good at it. And to the point that it was a situation like this. It was, like, preferred.

But it wasn't, like, well, I mean, but it was, like, I would almost, like, every time would, like, go for it. And sometimes she'd be like's like come on just do the just do the regular one that's like okay fine but she's the one i'll get pregnant yeah well that was a my thought too i was like i'm like you know using the like a extra thick condom over here like if i put it there though it's a free-for-all man i'm going to space uh we're like elon musk just trying to get me really it's like That's like, for 11 minutes, we're just going to get up there, four minutes in space, and then it's over.

All right. Interview time is brought to you by Fleischmann's. Fleischmann. The Fleischmann's. Girl. Today's interview is Jake Johnson, who has some hair on him. Yeah. When we first saw him, when the Zoom opened up, I was like, holy shit, this guy's got the flow going.

He could use all of the Fleischman products for the beautiful flow he's got up top right now. I like to use it in my blonde hair. Which, by the way, Nick can attest to this. Mike can too. First thing Chaps says, I mean, your hair's just blonde. Chaps is a fucking ginger who's trying to push that can too. First thing Chaps says is, I mean, your hair's just blonde. Chaps is a fucking ginger who's trying to push that agenda too. Fleishman,

when I was getting my hair cut last, I was at Fleishman, she said, come in before your live show so you look on point. She said the same to me and I said, I don't think so. She told me, I texted John but he told me, I don't want to come in because I got this blonde thing going on right now.

I said beach thing. I got this. I haven't done my hair. And she said, what is he talking about, that red-headed fuck? Your hair is red, and no matter what you put. Listen, John's been putting sun in his hair. That's turning it to the color of a goddamn goldfish. But the Fleischman products are all high quality.

They're not going to turn your hair orange like John's. You can get the sea salt spray. You can get the shampoo and conditioner. You want that beach look that I have. It does give you the beach look that some people have. The shampoo and conditioner really suds it up. The conditioner

really gives you that soft feel. They have the hair cream, which is kind of like for a light hold. They have the hair paste, which is kind of like for a light hold. They have the hair paste for when you really want it to stay in place. And then you've got the gummies to help the hair growth. It's got biotin in it that helps it healthy and shine. To get the pack, it's so easy because you just get everything you need. Yeah.

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And you know what? You wear your hair every day. There's no day that you're like, I'm not going to wear my hair today. You have your hair on your head every fucking day, so make sure it looks its best. I think it's like the price of a shirt. A shirt you'd wear once every other week, once every Monday if your mom lets you. Monday class.

You wear it every single day. Every time. So make sure it looks its best. And for you, for months. And you can get 20% off additionally when you use the promo code KFC. So if you go to Fleischmann Salon, F-L-E-I-S-C-H-M-A-N,

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Look at this guy! I was not prepared for the hair. Yeah, man, it's happening. It is happening. I'm going to go ahead and assume that you have not gotten a haircut since everything?

Well, that's incorrect. Oh, well, okay. I'm in. Well, I did a shave at one point. I went all the way down to skin. Wait, wait, wait. Your hair grows fast then, man. This is post-head shave? Yeah. Holy shit man this is post head shave yeah holy shit this is post i did a i did a pilot midway through it i just said we gotta work let's go and uh the series

got picked up and i'm i need to grow my hair for it because i play a 70s pornographer. Hell yeah! We call that a dream role, my friends. By the way, I'm going to need to borrow your mustache. Ha ha ha! My hair is good, but I need that sash for the job. By the way, that looks That mustache looks Fantastic What is cooking over there?

And that's not even his best Sometimes he really pulls it out and twists it Like he's gonna strap a damsel in distress To a train tracks He looks like a cartoon villain I'll wax her up good sometimes Hey man, I say this with all due respect He looks like a cartoon villain. I'll wax her up good sometimes. Hey, man, I say this with all due respect.

You look very good. That looks... I mean, that's your look. That's it. You have no idea how happy he is. I was going to say, dude, he will now have this mustache until he's dead in the box. That's it for him. You know, there's faces that work with certain things. Your face works with it.

Your face now would look weird without it. That's what I think, too. I completely agree. Dude, I'll tell you what. When I was watching Ride the Eagle, I was like, me and Jake are going to be best friends one day, and he just doesn't know it yet. I've never been more sure of it than now. Now I'm completely positive.

When you want to borrow another man's stash, that's it. That's how you know you're besties, dude. Shit. Boy, it's not want to. I need to. I start work in September, and that belongs on my face. Now, do you think we, you know, nobody can replicate this beaut, but maybe uh

maybe you can you know grow it out a little and twist it up with some wax and whatnot maybe you can pull it off you know you know it's funny so for the pilot i got the script it's called minx it's a it takes place in 1972 uh it's about a young female who's coming up with a magazine and it's like a feminist magazine and she wants to like take over the world and nobody wants to publish it until she meets my character at a business expo and my character is a smut publisher you know milky jugs horny moms all that junk and i see i i see her her magazine and i read it and you know i like it i think there's a lot of money to be had in it but I think that she needs to have a a model in the middle of it aka Burt Reynolds you know somebody a real true honk and a nice big hog flopping around so for the ladies to get some fun and I'm

telling you I read this script and it was it was in the throes of the pandemic. I was doing prep for Ride the Eagle. I drove up to the cabin to prep it. There was no internet, nothing. I drank two IPAs by myself. I took one hit of some really nice weed, and I read this script. I had not read anything in the last five years where I was like, I need to play Doug Rennetti I want to play this

guy so bad and I pitched the showrunner Ellen Rappaport who's brilliant I'm like I think this I think this hot dog has a big old mustache on his face let's rock she's like sure I get to hair and Literally, I believe it's the day of the camera test. And I go to the person. I'm like, I think we got to shave this down so I can just rock here. And she's like, no, no, no. You're going to be having a beard in this. And I was like, oh, come on.

They took a dream away from me. Never mind. I don't even want the role anymore. I'm out. I think you should pull an audible on that one and be like, yeah, yeah. I'll see you tomorrow with a beard. And you just show up the next day. I'm out. I think you should pull an audible on that one. Be like, yeah, yeah, I'll see you tomorrow with a beard, and you just show up the next day. Sorry, babe.

What are we going to do now? We're going to halt production for a couple weeks while I grow this beard in? I don't think so. I don't think so. Nah, this hot dog just shaved his face. Let's rock. No, but the hair is a – I get nervous uh i'm 36 and i'm nervous that if i shave the head

that maybe it just won't come back any any fears of like you know taking getting rid of all your hair for a moment you know i'm i'm going i'm going through a different thing i'm 43 and i'm afraid i am past the era of having long hair like Like when I pick up my kids at school, I do feel a little embarrassed. There's a moment where I want to explain if we're like in a restaurant and I'm like, yeah, the girls will have chocolate chip pancakes. This is for my job.

I'm not in a band in my garage. I am a grown up. I have to say too, you're not long enough yet, but if you just get a little bit longer, it starts to hit, like, on an older guy, it starts to hit pervert territory. Yeah, yeah. And also, do you ever put it in a ponytail

or, like, do anything with it? Yeah, because that's also weird, too. It's like, you can't be a ponytail guy at the elementary school. Well, I can't do that. I'm never going up here with it. So, you know, I realize what it is, is, you know, like if my hair gets wet, it kind of is like touching my shoulders. And that's a feeling I'm not used to.

That's weird. Where I'm like, what is that rat tail doing in between my shoulder blades? And so, you know, I'm doing it for the job. When the job ends, I'll cut it short again. Honest to God, the pilot for this show is so good that I really hope this one goes. But if not, then I got long hair for a couple months and we'll see what happens. How good did the shaved head feel? I mean, I used to do that myself.

I would just grab the clippers and buzz it every you know couple weeks and it's the most yeah i know but but i looked horrible i didn't realize it but i looked disgusting so i'm gonna be totally honest it was deep pandemic there were no jobs i wasn't seeing any friends my wife and kids we created a really tight pot we weren't seeing anybody my father-in-law is high risk so we were strict so when i did it it was like honest to god who cares i'm seeing my wife and kid why am i why do i have hair right i felt while doing it kind of as cool and as rock and roll as it gets. The second it was done, I realized that I have this fur nose. Because without hair, my face is all nose. And very quickly, I had a thought about my hair for the first time where I was like,

I have taken you for granted. I have made a mistake. I felt like a guy who had been a terrible husband. And then I had the Jimmy Stewart movie, This Wonderful Life, where I got to see my life again, but it's just with my hair. Where I'm like, give me a second chance. I want you back, man. I'll never do it again. I'll never treat you poorly again.

I mean, you're describing exactly what happened to me. I got a fucking honker, too. Yeah, I was going to say, you know, I think you had a little nose dysmorphia going on because that nose doesn't look too bad to me. You would be all nose. You'd be all schnoz. Have you been clean shaven any time? I don't think I've ever seen you in any of your roles without at least some scruff. I did again during the pandemic.

It was the same hair shave, face shave. So you just had a cute wall going you just had a big white nose yeah okay yeah i just i just made a mistake i got i know another mistake sorry go ahead i know please please okay i know i know another mistake you made and that is in i know i was reading uh interview about uh about ride the eagle and you said you wrote it because you missed people you still missing people you still you That is in – I know I was reading an interview about Ride the Eagle, and you said you wrote it because you missed people. You still missing people?

You still, like, happy to be standing in lines and shit? Yeah, that's one of those things. You know, honestly, I am kind of. You know, I just flew to Chicago, so we did the airport stuff, and my wife's having a different thing. She was like, man, being on a plane, I realize how disgusting we are as people yeah and i'm going through a different thing i you know to get a little bit of soft on you guys when the pandemic hit i realized how much i miss it all i was like man i miss even the stuff that i hate i miss going to work i miss like i miss early call times i miss you know hack directors

giving bad direction i miss bad writing i miss an actor who's having a panic attack and can't remember their lines i'm like man give me it all so ride the eagle came trent o'donnell who did over 70 episodes of new girl you know he was he, I mean, for lack of a better way of saying it, he was really my guy there. Like, we just, he made everybody laugh in a way. He kept the crew light. And to be a TV director, part of your job is, like, a great manager of a team of veterans.

Like, just come in and get everybody playing well. Like, keep everybody loose. And so when this hit, you know, he and I have like pitched shows and tried to create together. And it's always been kind of a drag with executives and networks. And we were just talking about how much we miss being on set together because we make jokes the entire time. He is not sensitive and I'm not sensitive. So we can sell each other out for a laugh to get the crew to laugh. And we both know deep down,

we, we love each other. It's, I can say anything to him to get like a random sound guy to laugh. And I know I'm not hurting his feelings. There's only like how many people in your life you can count on like one hand, the amount of people you can do that with really. It's really true.

And it's really important because those people who you can really rag on, but amount of people you can do that with, really. It's really true, and it's really important because those people who you can really rag on, but when you're doing it with love, it's really funny stuff. Yeah, yeah. You do it to the wrong person, and they're mad at you for a decade. You're like, no, I'm trying to do a routine with you, man. I'm not against you. Yes, and come on. We're doing a with you, man. I'm not against you. Yes, and.

Come on. We're doing a scene here, pussy. Relax. You're my guy. But so in doing that movie, it was really all for us. It was all joy. And, you know, so honestly, I'm still kind of in that phase. How much weed do you smoke?

Because you smoke weed so cool. Like, I never think i i that's always been a thing people say like oh like cigarettes are cool and i don't think i i never necessarily think like seeing someone smoking cigarette looks that cool but the way you smoke weed in this movie i kept going god damn that's fucking cool you're just like holding a joint weird you'll do something weird with the smoke. It's just like it looks fucking sick. Man, not too much. I'm a believer in weed. I view weed and alcohol as very like – I'd rather take a hit of weed than have like a shot of something.

Hell yeah. But I started smoking weed at like 14 and 15. So when I was a kid, the way, you know, I went to like a Jerry, I went to like the last dead show at Soldier Field in the 90s, for example. And seeing like the old dead heads and like my cousin used to live with us and travel with the dead.

So seeing like the way an old 90s hippie would smoke a joint or roll one and have all the weird tools and pull here and then like give it to me i was always like man that art of how you handle the joint is so cool like i hate the look of a vape pen yeah like even though vapes like get the job done for me part of the whole thing is that whole routine of it the whole movement the rolling of something the passing around like

i like all that i saw i saw a guy on the street mid-pandemic um and he had a mask on and i watched him take the mask off take a hit of a real cigarette and put the mask back on and it was just so disgusting on so many levels but i also was like respect man like you're not none of this vape jewel shit and and you're good you know good enough guy to have the mask on but also i want to rip this cancer stick you know it was there was something about it that was like i remember i caught the tail end i i started going to bars very early in life there was a town that let you know you had a library card they would let you in and i i got the very tail end of people uh being able to smoke in bars and them just being you know you're in a smog box of smoke uh but and now and i never was a smoker myself but it feels like i don't know that that's gone

now there's none of that in society anymore like of that everything you described i'm i'm a chunky years older and i started going to bars earlier as well and i remember the era in new york when cigarettes were banned from bars and i was a smoker and sitting in a bar and having your drink and your pack of cigarettes and how you and your lighter or your matches it was all part of your identity yeah like there was no cell phone so like literally what you smoked if you did hard packed or soft pack how you smoked it what you use like some people were like zippo people who did like a million and one tricks yeah yeah i never thought that was cool that's not cool i like matches yeah i will say sparky get the noise oh it's the thing but what i will say is uh now looking back

um i am not a human who lives in regret i don't think there's any value in it uh ride the eagle will kind of you know tell that tale but i do regret cigarettes if there's anybody who's like young and think like look if you want to smoke a joint, God bless you. Wait till your brain forms, but do your thing. You want to play with beer? Go for it. Cigarettes are the worst. There's no value. No benefit.

When I look back, I'm like, if I could go back in time, I don't regret the thousands of dollars I've lost gambling. It was a lot of fun. I do regret every single cigarette i smoked in my life i'm like uh give me the give me that lung power back that was just idiotic my my dad uh used to smoke i went before he had me and stuff like that and then he got he got testicular cancer when i was younger then he survived all that shit but he he's still alive and all that shit he He always tells me, he's like, he goes, you'll never be able to convince me that that wasn't because of cigarettes. And I was like, I'm like, really?

Because it shouldn't be that hard. You know how the human body works, right? Cigarettes didn't give you testicular cancer. Unless you were smoking them really wrong, dad, I don't think your balls got cancer because of cigarettes, pal. It should be really easy for me to convince you that that didn't happen. The only thing I regret, not regretted, was jealous of. I was never a smoker.

But there was like a brotherhood, a camaraderie amongst you guys, especially ones you did get kicked out of bars. I feel like it was the easiest way to strike up a conversation with a girl or talk to somebody at the bar. i remember being outside of a bar my buddy did smoke two pretty girls and he's like let's go you know we'll offer him a cigarette and we'll smoke and i'm not a smoker so i'm trying to be cool and i'm like and i'm coughing up my lungs and i'm not inhaling right and she goes like are you sure you smoke cigarettes man man? And I was like, yeah, totally, totally. What's your number?

We'll hang out sometime. Just looking like an asshole. But that little crew outside of a bar, you know, it was the easiest way to have an instant connection. Like, oh, we're going to die of cancer one day. What's your name? I agree. I agree.

It was a big part. It was a big part when I first started working that in between takes, when you had a break you could go out and smoke with somebody you knew you had about five minutes to connect uh with that said and done i truly and i'm not saying this is like you know i know it's mostly not kids listening to this but what a regret like it was so like there will be moments it's like when we're all about to die when you look back and go, that was dumb. That's right.

Also, if you really want to go talk to him, stand outside, chew gum. Were you a casino-type gambler or sports gambling or what? So my mother, when I was growing up, in her first first marriage she was a professional poker player with her first husband they did uh home games in Chicago yeah so they would do like they were in the projects on the northwest side and they would host like neighborhood games but that's how they made their money so growing up cards always had this significance in my house like if we played uh go fish for example even as little kids if i tried to put down trips my mother would tell me i was playing bad cards all you're doing is waiting like you gotta like do a run go three four five always like if you won but then like let's say I'm like alright I won

I got the last card and she'd go well what cards do I have and I'd be like I don't know and then she's like so you won by luck if you don't know what other people are going for you're just getting lucky Jesus Christ you know it was fun it was like that's just how cards were

and like my family I didn't realize until I got older how weird my family was with games we used to do a thing with monopoly uh where my brother sister uh mom and i would be playing monopoly right we'd all throw like 20 bucks under the board winner gets everything right um once all the properties have been divided up by the random roles. We would do a thing where we would call it cocktail hour, where we would take a break from playing and we would just talk. And that talking was we would make trades. But the trades, because we were always just the four of us, would always be the same alliances. And so you do some really garbage stuff where my brother and I would be like,

if you ever land on mine or I land on yours yours we don't charge each other until our sister's out of the game it led to like when my cousins would come by like throw down brawls and looking back it was total garbage but like we just believe that's how you play but as soon as i was of legal age i started going to casinos when i first moved to la i worked at one down in englewood for a while what'd you do i was a third party player so i played cards and i was the bank for a company it's a it's a confusing thing but it's not as cool as it sounds or you're making there's money on the table okay uh because the california casinos have like legal loopholes so i need to

make sure that people were playing oh that's cool so everything is poker your your your game of choice it you know it really was when uh when i had kids my kids are about eight now i just lost those hours and so now like buddies do home games and you know to play cards and do it right you can't sit down for two hours it's a grind yeah you need to be at the table for eight hours yeah an hour so they learn players there's a rhythm to the table. So now I'm like, gentlemen, I am in. From 7.15, 7.55. Is that something?

I'm like, I'm all in. I haven't seen my cards. I'm just looking to socialize. Oh, here's a big... There's been a big debate at Barstool this week. You've got 16 dealers showing seven. You hit or stay?

I've got 16 dealers showing seven as a stay. No, actually, I'm sorry. Well, the book says hit. I'm sorry. The book says hit because they have seven, so I hit, of course. Yeah, well, that – You've got to assume he's got a 10 underneath because there's more 10s than anything else. That's what I believed it to be an easy one, but it was 50-50 here,

and we had people ready to come to blows over it. The blackjack etiquette is the one thing that turns me off about the game where it's like, you didn't follow the rules, and you took my card. So my job at the Hollywood Park, the reason I i say it wasn't cool is i worked the black jack table so what i did at the blackjack table was i made sure because you can't play against the house in california you play against other players so i essentially was house okay i was in seat one but i spent eight hours a day five days a week playing blackjack and watching people play blackjack. And what was taken away from me, which I no longer have, is the bullshit that people think at a blackjack table

where this is a hot table or we're on a run or C8 fucked us. Or if you didn't hit the 15, the next card was a six. Now you fucked the deck. Yeah. And these losers believe that there's a method to it. And I want to be like, homie, you're playing the lottery. If you're this good at cards and you're really a numbers person, there's a poker table where the casino doesn't have odds. You're playing against seven other people yeah so go take your superstitious bullshit over there if you want to be here

and have some fun and say hit or stay yeah amen brother amen so wait when you're you're slipping a coin in la so the dealer is not playing at all they just deal and you know so in california it's they're not officially casinos unless you're on a reservation they're like card houses got it so the way that you do it you're playing against the dealer it looks normal but there's the person sitting at seat one is representing the dealer so the person who's paying you and taking your money is actually seat one. Now you have the option to represent the dealer, but you have to pay for it. So I worked for a company that just paid for it.

Do you have to play a certain way or you could, if you want it to be an asshole and hate on something crazy? No, no, you have to play by the code for the company. So the week of training was learning. Everything with blackjack has percentages. If you do everything perfectly at blackjack, you split perfectly,

you double down perfectly, you do all that, you still are underneath 50% chance of winning. Jesus Christ. So at your best, you don't have an advantage with blackjack. With poker, your advantages are you better than those around you yeah yeah so you know that's why it drives me nuts where like two guys would come in and they would be like your typical like they just watch swingers and they would show up at the casino one of the white guys was like really crazy in a hawaiian shirt the other white guy was like such

a fan of his buddy who's crazy and like crazy guys always like talking fast man and like he's the man and like he gets chicks and the other guy can't believe he's such good friends with this guy the fast talking guy would always pretend to have a system and i'm like you're no matter what man you don't have an advantage if If you're really that guy, the entire other side of this casino is poker. You can play any version of poker, but then you're really running the table if you're winning. But then you're actually beating the other card players. Did you have any rounders-type stories or nights where you were running the table or big wins, big losses, anything like that? No.

In my life, I'm pretty conservative with stuff. But I did have a moment at that casino where I was pretty revealed in that there was a dealer named Woody. All the dealers were from Thailand. And he had a really thick accent which i will not do but he also smart man your agent's happy yeah he was also like an amateur stand-up comedian and he and i when he would come to my table because i was working a day job so when he and i were at the table for his 30 minute shift, I was a pig and shit. Woody was so funny that I would literally just abandon my job and be like,

Woody, here's your topic, fast food restaurants. And he would just go on a run and I would be crying. And while it was happening, it was, I was working the overnight shift. So it was two in the morning, Inglewood.

Inglewood's a tough neighborhood, but that toughness wasn't really ever near me because I was playing cards. I didn't really pay attention to the gentleman at the table who, you know, was a gangster, was losing big money. Because I was on an hourly wage and so was Woody. So I was just laughing at Woody's jokes. And at one point I hear, you think that's so funny, motherfucker? And I look up and I realize this man who had been losing thousands of dollars, presumably to me, because I was the one collecting it, but it wasn't mine. I go, huh? And he goes, you think that's so funny, motherfucker?

Say it right now. You think it'd be funny if I walked over to you right now? And I looked over and like his whole group was getting that like energy where I was like, all their bodiesing to get more energetic while I'm getting more lethargic. And this is a true story, and it just reveals true sissiedom. But I said, do you want to know what I would do if you came you came over here to my face and he goes yeah i want to know i go i would run to security and scream help the look and this is true the look on this guy's face who was like a gangster man like he came up hard it was as if i was like lower than a cockroach. And so beating me up gave him no. He went like this.

Like, you know, Woody started to laugh and chuckled. And this group looked at me like, oh, my God, that is no. I'm so with you there, though. I'm the furthest thing from tough, man. I can't even fake it. Forget about it, man. Tell me a little bit about Ride the Eagle. What do we got here?

Yeah, Ride the Eagle was a passion project that Trent and I did together. That dog in it, that's a COVID dog. So we got her from Guide Dogs of America. She's a retired guide dog. And so when I got her, I'd never been around a dog that was so smart i'm used to dogs being just dogs where you love them but you know they're licking their own butts all the time and that's what makes them hilarious so i feel about john that's why i keep him around but this dog has like unbelievable intellect and i'd feel like man she used to guide blind people

around and make decisions for that other person so i started talking to trent about doing a movie together and how we both missed working and the original idea was going to be trent had access to a camera the crew was going to be just me and him and the dog and we were going to do a movie kind of like when Nick was with Trent, where it was me and this dog, but I go through a whole journey. And Trent was in and I was in, and I convinced my wife to let me go do it for five days. We were going to be tested.

And as we started writing that and figuring out the beats of it, we realized, well, we would like a mother character or a father character to you know die and pass on it and we just kept building it and building it and before you know it we had a full movie that we had you know put months of time into because we were not working every day and then we started submitting it to actors and all of a sudden we got drc carden and jk simmons and susan sarandon jk when he calls you what's he going to candy dick and J.K. Simmons and Susan Sarandon. J.K. When he calls you a candy dick?

Who the fuck are you? You fucking candy dick. He's gotta be like the best angry actor ever. When he's angry, I mean all of his movies recently, he's been a big fucking asshole to everyone. He's a scary guy.

Well, that bit actually came from years ago, I was in a bar, and some guy I was hanging out with my friends, and some guy tried to start a fight with me, but he was giving me the weirdest compliments while he was fighting with me. I had a beard at the time, and he was like, I was wearing like a winter hat in a bar in Chicago,

and he was like, you like those hats, hat in a bar in Chicago and he was like you like those hats man you're inside and I was like I mean I do I think they look good he's like it's not how they look but why are you wearing a hat I was like I like the way they look he's like yeah it looks fine and then he goes you like that beard

you got a beard I was like yeah I like the beard I think I grow a full beard and he's like you do grow a full beard why you got a beard I don't know if yeah, I like the beard. I think I grow a full beard. And he's like, you do grow a full beard. Why you got a beard? I don't know if this guy's trying to fuck me or fight me. You do have soft lips. Yeah, I would like to kiss him. Yes, I would. I think you've got beautiful brown eyes, but in the same sense, I hate you. that was the kind of origin of the movie was we wanted to do a thing where you know in that period

of time obviously everybody was hating each other so much and all i could ever see on the news or social media was how everybody hated each other and was saying we'll never get back together everything's divided forever and i just got sick of that rhetoric um i do think obviously human beings have different beliefs but i also believe we're on a little bit of a hype train of division right now and i was like i say like i'm in a and i was just kind of bored of everything i was seeing and so we wanted to just make a movie that was not a lesson it was not anything it was just enjoyment it was it's a positive movie It's meant to feel good. We shot it in 10 days.

We took longer to write it, obviously. But the idea of this one was like, man, sit back, take a hit of weed, and enjoy the fucking ride. It is. There are a lot of times when people come through and I'm like, you're kind of wasting your time. I don't think it's going to resonate with our audience. I'm happy to talk to you. This one, I'm like, our audience will love Red League. I can guarantee that.

Although, see, I kind of want to talk about something that is like a spoiler, but it's not a spoiler. Is it a spoiler to say you don't die in this movie? Me? Yeah. No, that doesn't feel like a spoiler. You'd be surprised, brother. People get all bent out of shape about anything as a spoiler now. But yeah, no, that's not a spoiler.

But at the end, I thought it was like an all-time twist because at the end, when you slipped down the mountain, I thought you broke your back and died. I thought that was how the movie ended. It's really funny because, you know, it's a low-budget movie.

We made the movie for $250,000. Trent and I and Joe Hardesty, we just wrote checks. We didn't want to pitch it. I didn't want any executive. I didn't want any outside voice. We kind of went back to the roots. There was no craft service. We held our own microphones.

I miked myself every day. We just wanted to make a movie. What a hero you are. Let's make sure we get that out to the press. Jake put on his own microphone. Well, here's where I am a hero. I have to take my chest. And if there's any evidence with my chest, you know, I'm not a twink.

I got some hair there, so every day I'll be like, come on, cowboy. That's great. Yeah does it does seem the truth of this movie was that it was it was made for the right reasons a lot of projects i've done you just kind of do a job because you do a job this was really one of those everybody who worked no one made any money susan sarandon's not like getting paid for this it was everybody wanted to act and everybody wanted the crew wanted to work and they wanted to move equipment and it just felt like man it felt so good to work again it felt so good to take our masks off and be like let's just fucking formal again amen brother uh we're gonna leave you with one question here. I just drew a card from our deck of questions here.

It's this one, actually, to wrap up here. If you were to be murdered, who would be the most likely suspect? To murder me? To murder you. It would have to be, like, one of my relatives from, like, you know, some, like, aunt or uncle or cousin who thinks I haven't like given them money. Yeah. I used to play poker with that guy back in the day.

He didn't give me a dime. Somebody who I couldn't pick out of a lineup. I'm like, oh, so you're my second cousin. All right, man. We appreciate the time as always. Ride the Eagle. Alright, man. We appreciate the time as always. Ride the Eagle. July 30th. Before we let you go too, can you just say something like

I'd do another season of New Girl just so we can put that out. Yep. Just say I'd do another season of New Girl. No. Almost there. because that shit's gonna be on yahoo that's the point that's the point jake so here's the uh so here's a funny thing in terms of that years ago when i first started i was doing an interview in person like this and we were just doing bits and they said

what's the worst part of uh um being recognized now and i did a joke and i said the amount of time i have to do a selfie with another man and our ears touch each other because some some people get it and some people just because i guess they're a little nervous or energetic, will go heads in. Ear to ear is so intimate. When you brush across a random man's ear with your ear, I'll be like, whoa. About a week later, I'm on Yahoo checking my email, and it says, new girl star to male fans, don't touch me. And I thought, ooh. I literally thought, ooh.

Zoe Dash, don't get in trouble. I start seeing the comments. There's like 20,000. They're like, you're not even famous. You should be lucky. And all I'm thinking is like, ooh. I'm like, Zoe're not even famous. You should be lucky. And all I'm thinking is like, I'm like, are we famous as hell? When I see my name, I was like, oh, no.

Well, now the headline is going to be, he says he won't do season two. So, you know, either way, you're fucked. Here's what I'll say to you guys. We've been doing these together for a lot of years, and I appreciate it. We've signed the contract. New girl's coming back. She's an agent. Oh, no.

My man. Thank you so much. Everyone go see Ride the Eagle, and we'll talk to you next time, man. See you guys. Later, Jake. Bye-bye. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.