KFC Radio - Feitelberg Killed His Dog Ft. Matt McCusker

Episode Date: May 25, 2023

Timecodes: 00:3 1KFC's house continues to be super haunted 20:42 Feits killed his dog 54:43 Video Voicemails 01:31:43 Matt McCusker Interview Preview Sony Picture: Get your tickets now! THE MACHINE is exclusively in theaters May 26th. Rated R. Barstool Sportsbook: Be sure to use code KFC to unlock your 1000-dollar Bonus. Terms Apply. MUST BE 21+ Gambling Problem? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER Perry Ellis: Shop Original Penguin’s Spring /Summer 23’ Collection at https://bit.ly/3LnhjIf and enjoy an original good time. Barstool Store: SHOP NOW AT https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/barstool-dadsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. And that's when my sister really starts to lose it, and she's screaming the dog's name and stuff. And so they're like... are you ready for this it's another edition of kfc radio on the barool Sports Network. It's been fun and games and funny videos. And, like, I'm joking, but I'm not joking. But now it's time to, like, get down to business, get down to brass tacks. What do I do about living in a haunted house?

Because it's not a joke anymore. It's not a joke anymore. It's not a joke anymore. What happened this time? Well, let me recap everything for the people who don't know uh i bought this house admittedly when you look at it it has like haunted house vibes like it's an old like castle looking house you know when you buy like a new modern house no one's gonna go that thing's haunted you know the older the house gets and

sometimes the quirkier and more unique it is and it's got like turrets that kind of look like a castle. It's white though. So I was like, it didn't seem that scary. But in – Racist. Yeah. White is right. It's got to be dark and dilapidated.

This is like a bright white house. So when I was buying it, I didn't think it at the time. But now that I'm putting it together backwards I'm like oh yeah of course this is fucking haunted so I got an old house on a big piece of property for a very good price and this is the second time now that I was like oh

a good price like I'm so lucky I'm such a good house finder when it's like no everyone just fucking goes on the internet has the same access to the same houses and when they find a deal that's too good to be true they go oh that house oh it's it's a big piece of land it's actually built well there's like nothing wrong with it oh it's a murder house move on i'm like sounds good to me i love the fact that like home buying now like you have to find yourself and then pay a realtor for number like yeah no i just found this house on

zillow like it's someone i want to fuck it to in the morning dude uh can you get me in the same way i would match with a fucking floozy in a town that i'm visiting for work i found it in the same sense too kind of drunk on the couch drinking wine totally the same way you just swipe and go i'll fuck this one yeah i guess i live here you show up the next day like fucking hazy eyed I looked a little different I remember I don't know I don't think I knew

I had all these fucking demons dude that's a great call Zillow is just a matchmaker it's the same shit Tinder for adults Tinder for houses

how do you want to waste your money alright so I get this house everybody who saw the video uh knows that within the first like week all of a sudden a small a statue of a small boy shows up on the property in the back corner where we had walked the property everybody from both sides the seller the buyer we all walked it together. Nobody saw the statue. It was not there. Now all of a sudden I have a small boy in a Freddy Krueger rugby shirt.

It has real hair. Stones were placed on the bottom of it in a triangle to anchor it down. And I was like, that wasn't there. It's next to a well house. Well automatically equals haunted. Everybody knows that. A well that wasn't there. It's next to a well house. Well automatically equals haunted. Everybody knows that. A well that has been sealed over with a little shed put on top of it.

So I have a well house. A well is like the physical embodiment of, if you ban abortions, we'll find a way to do it anyway. It's just a baby hole. Is that where you get your water? No, that's where I put our babies. What's that thing over there? It's the baby death trap. Don't look at it.

Don't look at it. Splash. Cover the top. See you later. See you later, baby. Modern day Sparta. Totally. Totally.

Somebody just got kicked off. There is 100% one or more dead bodies in that well. The light was on suspiciously one night next to the statue. So that happened. The other day, then a little bit after that, we find the massacred bunny. We have bunnies. By the way, I don't know what's fucking worse if i live in a haunted house or just this is my regular life because on my property

there's a family of bunnies there's no not that there's a hawk there's a big fat fucking hawk that patrols flying around there are crows there's a murder of crows that show up every day there's a woodchuck there's a fox and then most recently i saw a goddamn raccoon i live in a fucking zoo john i i don't know what's worse is is if i just naturally live in the country where I have a fucking zoo of animals or if it's haunted. Bro, you bought a house in the country. I didn't.

It's not the country, bro. I'm like two feet away from a mall. Kevin bought a good-priced house on Frat Road. He's like, these guys have parties. Listen, I didn't. There was also a family of deer, too. You're describing a beautiful home. No, no, no, bro. Well bro well the problem is that's fine the

little bunny hops around the the deer come through and the in the dewy grass fine when you start finding massacred animals on the property things change that's that's the when they're alive it's nice when they're dead it's not we found a a bunny that was ripped apart, completely disemboweled next to the dead pelt. Like the pelt of fur was its stomach and its other organs. It's its intestines were like strung out like long ways and its fur was everywhere. I was like, did somebody hit this with a lawnmower?

Uh, and so I'm like, listen, I'm a city. I said, I would rather deal with the city rats and the homeless people before I got to deal with dead bunnies and

swooping hawks and fucking raccoons in the day and all this other shit this is not Noah's Ark bro I'm not doing the animals I'd rather just get back to the city and step over the dead bodies and the human shit and stuff I'd rather deal with the homeless atrocities the human atrocities and the goddamn animals

so it's either best case scenario is i'm goddamn ace ventura pet detective worst case scenario is is it's haunted because that's how it starts so like there's a weird statue which is completely ridiculous there's a well then there's a massacred animal that always kind of happens in the movies where like the daughter goes like daddy what's that and the dad's like nothing honey nothing like get over here like whatever and then they look and they're like what could have done that you know um and then i'm playing with keegan the other day he has his spider-man mask on and we're playing hide and seek and shit and all of a sudden sudden, I hear like a traditional, almost cliche ghost noise. Like, ooh, like one of those.

I can't go hide off of my voice, but you know what I mean, right? And I thought Keegan was doing it, just being a weirdo. And he goes, why did you just make that weird noise? We were upstairs, which is still we haven't moved into yet. Like, it's still just like creaky and open. And I couldn't see his mouth. So I just heard like, ooh, and I thoughtaky and open and he was i couldn't see his mouth so i just heard like and i thought under his mask he's making the noise and then he immediately goes why why were you doing that and i was like that was like a little girl ghost going like so i just was like

in the moment i was like oh yeah i didn't want to scare him so i was just like yeah i was just being silly but on the inside i was like fuck you weren't making it i wasn't either what is that and then oh i don't know just maybe the icing on the cake uh there was an earthquake in new york never happens right a 2.2 earthquake in the middle of the night the exact epicenter my town really my fucking who's gonna crack open like stranger things totally if you don't think that was like the demons awakening and coming out i mean i mean it's a haunted house the the fact that no one's lived there for a long time yeah the couple that used to live there was like nine they might be dead to be honest they were like 90 yeah their children took dead to be honest. They were like 90.

Their children took care of the closing and they were like 75. It suggests that the house had become accustomed to no one living there. Right. And now they're a little upset. Right. They're like, this is our house. Yeah, right. So this is my question though.

How does one – I will tell you this much Every horror movie I've ever watched I always go I would just leave I would pick up and I would leave And I would eat my losses When you're in it I was like I'm going down the ship

This was a lot of money I'm here till the death Because you can't just If I was like mega rich I maybe would legitimately be like I'm here till the death. Because you can't just, if I was like mega rich, I maybe would legitimately be like, you know what? I'm just a little too scared.

Let's go. But I can't. This is the house. And the problem is, it's going to actually be a sick fucking house. Like everybody who has come from just like friends and family who come by to like delivery men and people who are just stopping by,

garbage men, and I see them. They're like, yo, that's a fucking sick house. This is cool. I've never seen a house like this. So it has the chance when I modernize it to be the coolest house ever. Plus coast. Plus coast.

Downside. So I'm like, what do we do? The statue's still there, untouched. I feel like getting rid of it is like a slap in the face. I feel like trying to rid the ghosts is like war. Well, I thought Jackie was coming to do Sage. Yeah. But now you seem a little bit more desperate, so I'm going to raise my price.

Oh, that's right. What was the first? I did like $600. I said I would give you $600 to do that. God damn it. It was either $600 or $60. It could have been $60. Yeah, I must have been on one that day.

I was giving you $600 to walk around with like a candle. But it was at night. It was at night. Oh, that is true. That's scary. I don't want to do that. Oh, also, again, this is the main reason. You were were like you're just describing like a lovely setting you're right those animals are nice enormous spiders enormous spiders i'm talking like

straight from the movie in the 80s arachnophobia big fucking spiders that if my kids ever see one will never come back to my house i'm borderline like i, I don't want to go to my house. I'm out. I'm not doing it. Jackie, Jackie. Huge. No, I'm not. I'm out. Jackie, come over on camera and look at this when I show up. I don't want to look at it.

Jackie, I want you to see this and I want to see your reaction. Oh, you have a producer camera. I'll text it to you. Let me find it. Jackie, enormous. They look like the kind of spiders that you make a sports team's mascot out of.

No! No! No! And the kicker, I'll send you the second one This was like, we found that one in the bathroom And then this one was in the living room This one looks even scarier, did you see that one? Oh yeah Because the legs are together almost Yeah, that spider bites you and you turn into like you die no like like a like not a super villain yeah that's venom yeah keegan did it's funny keegan loves spider-man all things spider-man but is terrified

of spiders so when we're playing spider-man he's like if i got bit by a spider he legit it's so funny he legitimately asked the question like if i get bit by a spider, it's so funny. He legitimately asked the question. Like if I get bit by a spider, will I become Spider-Man? He also asked me – The way you described that is so funny where it's like he loves Spider-Man but like spiders. It reminds me of like getting in fights with my parents when I was a kid. Like, well, you like ketchup. You should like tomatoes. They're different.

They're different things. It is. You're right. Spider-Man – One's good. One's bad. Right. Spider-Man, cool.

These things crawling on your face at night, not cool. I was telling a story the other night as we're going to bed bedtime story and they're both like for right now sleeping kind of in the same room like bunking up together because we're getting sound all finished and they were it would not shut the fuck up and i was like no more talking i'm telling the story you close your eyes time to go the fuck to sleep and they and keegan raises his hand he's like i have one more thing you know and he's like in school he's like and i'm like yes keegan and he goes this was this is a good one this is a good one do you think spider-man has a peanut allergy i'm just like what goes on in your little brain probably toby mcguire definitely does The story was not about Spider-Man.

It was not about Peanuts. It was just that happened to go through his brain, and he had to ask me that question. I was like, yeah, probably. Everybody does, you little bastards. So spiders and earthquakes and statues and noises and mangled bunnies and dark, in the middle of the fucking dark woods. So what do you do? Sage?

Like, okay. Do you think I should try to make contact and be like, let's be peaceful. You guys can hang here. Just don't like hurt me or my family. Do you think making contact is the craziest thing? You have to keep the window shut. They don't keep the doors to that world shut.

I don't know. I think... Or do i just die yeah you just like like any relationship you just ignore the problem until one of you until it manifests yeah until like i i like lose my mind and i like set the house on fire like like the shining yeah i i actually think it's pretty progressive i treat ghosts like humans yeah like i'll just equality i'll ignore these issues until one of us snaps i think that's a good idea actually treat your ghosts like you treat your girlfriend and try to get away with it don't don't address the problems and several months from now it will explode in a fiery crash and one of you will come out on top i think i think you're basically you're calling their bluff,

which again is something you do in relationships where it's like, look, I'm ready to ignore this. I bet I can go longer than you. I was going to say, you know what? You have to physically show up here, otherwise I'm just going to keep making jokes about it on a podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Confront me like a man.

If you're just killing rabbits in the yard and making ooh sounds, I'm going to ignore it. You show up, we'll fucking deal with it. Bro, I'm so happy you said this. This is quite literally the – this is just quite literally how I have to fight in my divorce. We all knew what you were waiting to say. I'm trying to find out a way to say it. I just can't do it.

I literally ignore problems, talk about them on a podcast until someone finds out about it and gets mad. And that's what the ghosts are doing right now. The ghosts are going to catch wind of this podcast and be like, they're going to call their lawyer. And their ghost lawyers are going to hit me up and be like, I heard you were talking about us on your podcast again well guess what now we're doing this so i think that deep down all of the struggle i've gone through has been mr miyagi in me

preparing me for this fucking ghost and this ghost and these apparitions these demons are gonna be like it's like it's like like Drago when he's fighting Rocky. He's like, he's made of iron. He can't be beat. They're going to haunt me. They're going to try to get in my head. You think this isn't already haunted up here? Come take a walk in here, buddy.

I fucking dare you to step out of this beautiful home in Bronxville and take a walk to the wild side, baby. You think there's demons? You think you got demons? You got skeletons? Come on up in here! That would be great if I scare them out. We're going next door. We're going next door. All of a sudden the neighbor's like, there's dead bunnies. We haven't had any of that.

Enjoy them, motherfuckers. Bunnies in my head are wearing strap-ons, dude. I get fucked by buners. Bunny's in my head wearing strap-ons, dude. I get fucked by Bunny. It's some fucking weird Toy Story shit in here. You're dealing with fucking Disney out there. In here, it's a fucking nightmare. I love that. That's my only hope.

But I genuinely believe it. Part of me thinks that everything we've seen here in, ooh, like Hellfire and Brimstone. Ooh, like, you know, scary, scary, like, ghost outfits and blood, like, whatever, you know. Big fucking deal. You ever been goddamn, you know, cyber stalked? You ever been fucking haunted by thousands of people at the same time on the internet? You ever been fucking, god damn, people at the same time on the internet? You ever been fucking... God damn. Bring it on!

Bring it on! So what's the first... I just live my life then. Live your life. So tomorrow night, I see a ghost. I see like a whoosh go by. Like a little... I see something. Ignore it or go to that room.

You have to bring it up. But do I talk to them that room. You have to bring it up. Do I talk to them? No, they have to talk to you. Oh, you've never had an angry woman whooshed by a room? Right, right. Fucking grow up. All of a sudden I'm going to hear the cabinets slamming. Oh, I haven't heard that when I'm trying to watch TV.

You're slamming the fucking dishwasher and fridge door and all the cabinets trying to get my attention. And I just keep on. I'm just going to be playing Zelda, bro. Same thing. Yeah, no. I feel the emotion in the house totally i opened the door i knew what was going on you're gonna have to address it yep bro as a kid people did not play chicken against me because guess what i'll crash right every time i'll keep fucking going i don't give a shit i'm jason jason stat and fucking Dom Toretto. Let's go. All right.

So you guys want to have a haunted house party soon? The pool will be done as soon as I got to get a water truck to come fill it up. That's how fucking big it is. Can I come by one night with the camera and just like... Totally. Paranormal. Yeah, paranormal activity. I mean, i would love to

actually set up like a you can come by and do whatever you want to do but i think we should also set up like a stationary camera that just runs all night to like catch things um this does sound scary though i'll be honest i'm talking a big game but all this scares me a lot i had a fire going the first fire i finally cleaned out the chimney. I got the new shit in the bottom. All I've ever really wanted is... I love fires. I love fireplaces. So it's a very modest goal.

A billion people have fucking fireplaces. But I was like, I just want a nice house with a nice room that has a fireplace. But this room has big arches. And it has an old-timey chandel that like is still there from like a million years ago and the fire was going and i was looking at it and i was like this is so haunted this is like if you were to make a set for like a scary scene right now this would be it it's just so funny how like this way is like beautiful and this way is like you know you're dead it's like kinsey skill that's so great that's like yeah it's like Kinsey skill. That's so great.

That's like, yeah, it's like, you just kind of like finger in your ass. Oh, you're gay. That's the difference between haunted and beautiful. So, okay, good. I'm happy I talked that through. That was very productive. It is Thursday, May 25th. I am clapping like a girl in an argument, but that means because I'm excited. I am excited because today the machine

the machine is out i genuinely feel like i'm a part of this movie despite the fact that i have absolutely nothing to do with this movie i love burt i feel so connected to burt and everything the such a welcoming group that i am i i feel invested in this movie and because of that i am i'm begging you to get tickets go see it go with a group of guys get some beers before it gets a pirate water for him get drunk beforehand go in theaters and watch the machine i have done it already i have seen the machine i don't want to give any spoilers but i will tell you at one point burt turns a throat into a pussy god bless you am i right i don't know to give any spoilers, but I will tell you at one point, Burt turns a throat into a pussy. God bless you. Am I right?

I don't know what that was. But it is – it's a – it's like – if you were anything like my taste in movies, it's a perfect movie. It is funny. It is exciting. The action is insane. It is – it's awesome. It's such a perfect retelling and reimagining reimagine reimagination of the machine story where i didn't know how they were going to do it they pulled it off

flawlessly it's it's it's the perfect way to spend your memorial day weekend uh we don't want to tell you what the story is you know the story it's the story of the machine get your tickets now the machine is now playing it is rated r get your tickets go see the machine make sure this movie does well that opens the doors for everybody to do movies in the way they want them to do tv shows it helps the field it is not just about burt it is about everyone here trying to make their way and if we show sony and show the studios and show everyone that something like this could be a massive success

who knows maybe they take more chances on little fellas like us go see the machine get a ticket even if you don't go just get a ticket cost one drink at a bar have a drink get a ticket get another drink go to the theaters they serve drinks in the theaters

now get a drink get a ticket go to the theater get a drink watch a great movie go get more drinks that machine all right so the one other thing i'm terrified now you know what terrifies me more than the fucking ghosts is the amount of people who are telling me how hard the upkeep and how expensive the upkeep is going to be on the house i'm like i get it i've never really had a lawn at all let alone a big one so you got to do more landscaping and shit but like i'll either i kind of want to get a ride-on mower and just have like you're gonna mow your lawn like if i get i'm not gonna push it if i get a ride along somehow like i don't want to buy it's you know i don't know if i come across a ride along somehow

i will probably every now and then at least i think it would be peaceful it's like like zamboni and you know i have my have my my course if you will oddly satisfied yeah and you know i love that shit like i do love like when you when you go up and down and it looks different like the you know the way you cut it makes it look different grass. Yeah, yeah. I do like that. So there is a chance. I understand I'll probably fall off after like twice.

But it's like, okay, I don't know. It's very big. The lawn is very big. I know that. But the amount of people who are like, you're going to regret this. I'm like, how much could it be? I've never not regretted one thing I did. So put it on the list.

Look at everything else I've done wrong when it comes to homeowning. This is at the fucking very bottom. But people have me fucking terrified. And then I see, you know, I guess what it takes to maintain a house and a lawn. And apparently you just got to be out there during a fucking torrential downpour. What the fuck was your dad doing?

I love you. Your dad is such a dad. He is dad goals to the max. While not being like Ned Flanders' dad. He still got an edge to him. But when he is in dad mode. I mean, it was. We'll put the video in.

It was torrential. You could hear the raindrops on your jacket. Everything pouring. And he's just out there with that music playing. Like a guitar solo. While was like pulling weeds or something he was he was planting flowers it was and even in that video how hard it was raining did not translate like it was if you see any videos from taylor swift on saturday night yeah it was raining it was that day it was raining that hard and i i woke up i went to taylor on friday and i woke up friday i woke up she put me in a coma unbelievable concert 10 out of 10 she put

it down dude it was it was it was unreal from like from the i had so much anxiety about that show from the moment she's revealed on stage i was just bebopping skedaddling it was fucking but so i wake up up Saturday morning at like noon and when I was set, I was like, oh, where's dad? And I looked in my kitchen. I could see out the window how hard it was raining. I was like, where's dad? And I was like, he's outside gardening.

And I was like, what do you mean he's outside gardening? And she said, he's outside gardening. Was she surprised? No. Nothing surprised her. Yeah. And I was like, why is he gardening? She said, he's worried about. Was she surprised? No. Nothing surprised. Yeah. And I was like, why is he gardening? She said he's worried about the worms or something like that.

I was thinking there might actually be some logical reason to it. I went out thinking he'd be in a raincoat. No, just gardening, just being a dad. The funniest part was when you were like, what are you doing? He was like, what do you mean? He was very confused. What do you mean, what am I doing? I mean, it's gardening time.

I'm gardening. i'm sure yeah yeah maybe the soil's wet and the worms come out or whatever it is there's i would hope a logical reason but it's like come on are you out of your fucking mind are you fucking crazy what what is it but um that was that's why i was home this weekend obviously uh that was hardly the story from the weekend oh boy um i killed my dog oh i forgot to fucking text you by the way can i tell you something people are confused what about your tweet huh people were confused by your tweet really they didn't they some people thought it was like literally about the dog collar. Oh, that's dumb. Yeah.

I was on. I popped in with Minahan earlier and he and Quiggs were like, I didn't know whether I should text him. I was like, they were like, did his dog die? And I was like, yeah, I think so. And then I got in trouble because I forgot to text you. I had the text out and then I got sidetracked and I never sent it. So I'm sorry. But I did. I actually think the only people who didn't text me sorry the people

who have met maddie i felt when when i wonder if i can get footage of it when they when they brought it up i think i went like oh no jackie jackie texted me last night huh i've been maddie that's what i said the people who have met maddie. Jackie, after the ads, I sent her the ads, and she goes, BT Dubs, sorry about Maddie. I was like, thanks, Jack. I think people thought that maybe the collar – I know what you're doing. I didn't just want to be – I know exactly what you're doing.

But dummies out there were like thinking that like it was the last collar in existence and that got like ruined or something like that yeah no I don't care about a collar yeah

well I am very sorry to hear that Maddie was awesome what happened you had to kill her she's just old she oh I thought you killed her

I thought you went I literally killed her I thought you went Brittany Lynn Brittany no uh Jamie Lynn. But it was, in Perfect Maddie, it was the most outrageous day.

Her final gift was just the best story of all time. So Saturday starts, and we're having family conversations. I knew going home this weekend that I was probably going to put her down. Oh, I didn't know that, man. I knew for sure it was going to be my last time seeing her. My mom had called me. My mom had took her to the vet on Tuesday

and then called me and was like, I know I've recently joked about the dogs, the vets not knowing. Yeah, they nailed it. They nailed this one. It was was it was their hour there's steph curry from three it's 50 50 but it was this one was nothing but net and um i so we get home saturday and uh you know we kind of kind of it was day five they said she had like six days it was she wasn't in pain but it was like they she had like six days. She wasn't in pain, but it was like – I forget what the medical term.

But she had like a sack around her heart that was going to explode, and she's going to have a heart attack. That sounds like a plot of like a James Bond movie. Yeah. I have this implant in my heart that has 24 hours where it explodes. So like Saturday, she's not doing well, and we're having family conversations about, are we being selfish? That kind of shit. And all the while, first of all, it's funny how aware you become of things, because we're

just sitting in the kitchen, and Maddie's there. She's fine. She's just laboring and all that kind of stuff. And we're laying on the ground with her. And so it's probably like 5 p.m. I would just be weeping. It was a lot of crying. But then my nephew was there. And he's a baby.

So he doesn't get it. And we're like, hey, we're doing sad today. There's a moment. We're doing sad today. And then the music's playing. My mom just always has music playing. But somehow it ended up on fucking – Who let the dogs?

No. It was Christmas music. So everyone's crying and silence falls upon the house. Is this the first Noel? My mom's like, yeah, sorry, sorry. So she hits her phone. She changes the music and puts on Dolly Parton. It's like, lay your head upon my pillow not this either no but go back to

no it's hard to find a fucking back to Santa Claus we're gonna put the dog down playlist but you're over two so far and um you know we decide that um oh by the way this entire time uh we're taking turns hugging and crying and blah blah blah i'm just getting texts from nate just i'm so extremely sad and that was that was nice to put in perspective yeah yeah you have to kill your best friend but at least your foot's not broken uh sorry your toes hurt i was gonna go to vegas shut up i didn't even tell him. I was just like, yeah, it sucks, man. You know, we should put down another dog.

Nate Dog. Let's put him down. But so Sunday morning, my mom wakes me up, which is a shitty thing. Like, it's time to go kill the dog. Like, it was 9 o'clock in the morning, and she's like, we have a 10 o'clock appointment. Was she? I could see her being Stonewall. No, it was a little bit of both.

She was pragmatic, and also she didn't get very emotional until the end. You need somebody in those situations to be the rock. She thanked me for bringing it up, and I was like, I didn't think about it. I had to come home Sunday, so I was like, we have to make a plan. I was like, I'd like to be there like yeah this is it seems like you know i it actually is is is good uh a lesson for my parents where it's like the second you guys are on the fence do it i'm gonna do it yeah because it is well yeah i mean your dog with the family everybody now knows you know john henry's gonna plan his travel schedule around here you know oh john's in town pull

the plug he's not gonna be back for a couple weeks it is like like once i once we know you have like it was again it was they said it was they didn't want maddie to leave and my mom was like no like the kids come home this weekend like they're like we should put it down now she's like no i'm gonna take her home um and she just she was very sick and very and it was just like we have to do this um uh but so she wakes me up saturday morning and i have on like my she wakes up and she's like it's about time and i was like okay so i go upstairs i put on like shorts and a t-shirt and i go upstairs and i'm like laying with her and doing the whole crying thing a lot of shit and by the way this is not the one you did the dance with right that was yeah no

i was yeah i thought she um no they both if you've never seen john dance maddie it was maddie i was holding right i think no it was maisie i was only because she was older at the time maisie i was holding maddie was jumping up the whole time got it okay well the holding is the cuter part but but that was when you were crying because you thought she was going to – that was the original story, right? What? Where I thought you – I thought that was when you were like you have to put the dog down and then you didn't and she lived like four more years. That was Maddie. Right.

That was Maisie. So you were dancing with them thinking like this is it, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. When you're – John is dancing to Ed Sheeran with Maisie and it's the saddest, cutest, nicest thing. You got so hosed on the hockey challenge and the dog challenge. Yeah, I'm going to get defeated in the Barstool challenge if we're talking real about it. Right, right, right.

Because dancing with your dog to Ed Sheeran beautifully well. Also, one of the only people who beat Dave in the goalie challenge, which he said he won somehow at the end of it, despite the fact that I won. It's a very clear cut. No, I scored six times. I won. Anyway. one it's a very clear cut like more or less six times i wouldn't um anyway but the uh so then i go downstairs to my to my room quote unquote to to like get my shoes and i like look and i was like i can't wear this outfit i can't pop this i can't i can't throw this fit at the dog funeral it doesn't show any respect.

I'm in fucking athletic shorts and a t-shirt. I'm not going to wear this to camp. Oh, so it was trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were dressing cool, and it was like, I don't want to do that. No, I was just like, I can't. This is disrespectful. It looks like I was doing something else and was like, might as well while I'm here.

So what did you wear? Nothing crazy, but just jeans and a sweater. Comes out in his fucking amsterdam outfit red bell bottom smoking his cig but make sure we get a good picture but like it was it was we everything about it is so weird we're like i never think about this kind of thing like is this a dog killing outfit and then so we go so we go and it's i mean it's i'm so sad i'm on fucking we go. So we go. And it's, I mean, I'm so sad. I'm fucking, it's so sad. We're like, I'm like, last time, like, come on, Maddie.

And last time you put the fucking leash on her. And then, like, we get to the fucking vet. And it's like, she's like sniffing around. And like, I don't want her to stop. It's going to be the last time. She's like, usually, come on, come on. And it's like, I don't want her to stop. It's going to be the last time. She's like, usually, come on, come on. And it's like, I don't want this to be the last time. I don't want to fucking pull you in.

Yeah, bark out an order at you. Yeah. And then we get inside. By the way, this is so sad. And I know this is going to end on some ridiculous punchline. That's going to make me laugh. But my heart is breaking right now. And I can't

even imagine what the end is i know somehow somewhere but right now i'm like oh my god the more sad it gets the i know the i know the balance here is coming oh god and and like that's what it is like the i i i don't know how often you take your dog to the vet it's like never like yeah like like the vet is just a dog killing facility like you like i don't know how often you take your dog to the vet. It's like never. The vet is just a dog killing facility. I don't know if Maddie was 12 years old, 11 years old. It's a slaughterhouse. She went to the vet twice. I don't know, a couple times.

25% of the time your dog goes to the vet, it's to die. And so we get in there and everyone's crying. It's an old woman with a dog. It's clearly the last thing she has in her life. She's explaining how she wasn't ready yesterday, but she knows it has to happen. People in cars in the parking lot, she's weeping.

One girl's in a Taylor Swift shirt. I wanted to be like Sick Show, though, right? They come out and they do the whole thing. This is my second time losing a dog, but my first time where I'm there. So they come out, and we're going to take Maddie. We're going to put a catheter in her, and then we'll meet you in an exam room,

and we'll bring her in for everything. And we're like, okay, cool. And you just have to fill out some paperwork. And again, this is my first time doing any of this. So we're looking at the paperwork, and it's cremation and all that stuff and cremation cremation yeah that sounds like uh like like like he's cremation he's from he's from croatia i'm half cremation half uh english and so so looking at the grant, I'm obviously taking pictures. The options for how the dog goes down is you have private cremation, hold remains for owner's decision payment, release of remains,

and group cremation. And I was like, let's not holocaust the dog like let's let's spring for the extra 200 dollars group me yeah like they're like my pets i thought that was gonna be like you could be in the room with it or something my pets remains will be taken to final gift i understand that my pet will be cremated with other pets, and I will underscore not receive his or her ashes back. That's great. I don't care. I don't care if I am homeless and destitute on the streets

with not two pennies to rub together. If you can't afford to solo cremate and you go for the uber pool you're despicable you never should own a dog in the first place how many i don't know it's i'm tempted to call my dad he used to do this it's it was insane it's like a 200 difference like you're like it's not that you you know, not that I was pinching pennies or anything like that. Not that I didn't pay for it. But like, not that I was like, all right, well, this will save. Like, it was just like, it was out of curiosity.

I was like, what's the difference? Yeah, but you got it. But the, yeah, so we select private cremation and they lead us to the exam room. And dude, on the wall in the exam room, first of all, there's just a sign. A sign that's the size of the door that says, and I'm going to paraphrase here, if you yell at me, I will kill myself. It is.

What does it really say? It says that we are all enduring trying times and the vet tech community has been hit harder than most with people leaving due to undue stress and blah, blah, blah. And that in a unique number of vet techs, one in six to be exact, have attempted suicide. And it says, if we understand everyone's emotional, but please do not yell because it has

repercussions it's us the story's about us what's that because they just witnessed death all day long because they're in a dog slaughterhouse i guess and i actually you know what's funny i actually talked to the vet tech at one point i was like this must be so hard and she offered kind of an insightful comment where she said that um it's it is hard but it is nice because you get to... You're doing it for the family. Like, you get to talk to people with, and,

I guess, I guess we get to work it out with them. I was going to say, you almost become a psychiatrist at the moment, or a psychologist. And she's like, usually if you're dealing with a human,

it's always ending badly. And I was like, oh, that's pretty interesting. My dad used to, as like a kid, work at a vet. And I'm pretty sure he was throwing the dogs in the thing.

Really? And it becomes like another job. So you're just like, you're grabbing them by a bag. You're spinning them around, throwing them in. Because it's just like, I've got to get like 30 dogs in there for the group cremation before my shift ends. But that's – it's also not the only sign in the exam room. So we're sitting there and we're just waiting.

And then there are two pieces of art in the exam room. And one is – one on its own is like a little weird, but it's like it's okay, okay i guess where it's a dog in bed with two people okay and it's like it's not laying like a dog would lay it's not cuddled up it's laying like it's a person with his head on a pillow you know it's kind of bizarre under the cover not under the cover so again it's not that weird but it's like it's a little strange clothes around uh-huh clothes Closer on the humans? They're under the covers.

Okay. And then the next picture is three cats in bed with a human feet sticking out. And it says in words, menage a cat. I was about to make a joke about sex with animals, and I was like, that's stupid. Don't even make that joke on your dumb podcast no let alone have it I was like

we're in the bestiality room okay this is this is rather this is the animal sex part so we're in there it's me my mom and my little sister

is this where you fuck the dogs yeah before or after okay okay fuck now okay

we're sitting there we're like this is so fucking bizarre and then they bring we lay we lay the blanket on the table and i'm sitting on the table on the floor and uh and then they bring maddie in and like so here's maddie and she kind of comes in she's it's actually really sad because now i think she knows like i don't know like she hasn't gotten that much attention

in 24 hours in a long time. She knows she's hurting. Yeah. And so, like, her tail is wagging now. And it's obviously incredibly sad. And the vet tech brings her in. And she's like, okay, we'll let you guys say goodbyes. And so we're petting her and telling her we love her so much. And all that shit.

And then they give us this button and they're like we're gonna give you some time hit the button whenever you're ready oh my god oh my god oh my god

and then and it's like I know it's gonna be so inappropriate no no and it's just like like why do you think we showed up here

like like yeah like they're supposed to do it right dude she walked out of the room I hit that shit like it's family feud i was like i was like yeah dude like we're we're fucking here why do you think we're here like stop drawing like this sucks we don't want to keep doing this so like literally the second the door the like, I was like, all right.

You're just like, dog, Steve. The number one answer on the board. It's like, hey, what do you want me to do? Like, you're just drawing us out.

So like, that tech comes in and I'm with my mom, my little sister. So I'm like trying to keep it together. And everyone's kind of starting to really lose it kind of deal. And, uh, that tech comes in.

She's like, so the first shot is going to be to put her asleep the second shot is the overdose um are you ready for the first shot like jesus fuck christ woman like yes we're ready gives her the first shot draw this out any longer and maddie starts laying down are you ready for the second shot? Like, fuck! Just fucking kill the dog, please! And he gives her the second shot, and that's when my sister really starts to lose it, and she's screaming the dog's name and stuff.

And so they're like... So they're like... And Neely's like, I can't be here, I can't be here. I'm like, go, you guys leave, I'll't be here. I'm like, go. You guys leave. I'll deal with this. Maddie's dead at this point. And so I'm just sitting there. And by the way, the vet tech, when she's done with the second shot, she fucking gives you the fucking button back.

And she's like, let me know when you're ready. So now I'm just sitting in the room by myself on the floor with my dead dog and i can hear my sister crying and i'm like so i i hit the button and i wait i wait in a program because i'm like i can't family view this again so i wait a few minutes and i hit the button like five minutes no response or fucking the button again and i'm sitting there just looking at two pictures of fucking people fucking animals a dead dog in my lap and then no one's coming hit the button third time i've been there for like 10 minutes so now i'm like i'm done being emotional now i'm annoyed now i'm like where the fuck are you guys so by the time they show up it's just an angry guy in a room with a tiktok look what you guys did and and i'm making jokes but everyone obviously was incredibly

respectful and all this stuff um and the one thing my mom said when she left was, like, make sure you get the blanket. And I'm like, okay. So they come in, and it's two little women. And Maddie wasn't a big dog, but she's a bigger dog, probably like 70 pounds, probably closer to 60 by the time she was sick. And so these two smaller girls come in, like, definitely can't carry oh my god 70 pounds of dead weight so they have they pick her up on the blanket like like they pick it like but they're kind of awkward about it and and i notice as they're picking her up to put her onto like the dolly or whatever you'd call it the the fucking thing that maddie's ass is like hanging

out and i can see that like if the weight keeps shifting that way oh no oh no maddie's gonna come flying out so i so i like quickly reach forward and like hold her her rear end her hind legs up and i guess as i do that i like knock loose the catheter oh my god so so so maddie so it wasn't like a but so like a bunch of pee gets all over me and and i i i help her onto the thing and i'm you know i kind of move my legs but i'm like it's whatever i'm not upset about it. But I'm like, well, now the blanket has peeled over, and I'm not going to make them pick her up again. So I'm just going to leave this blanket. I go outside.

They are like, where's the blanket? I'm like, oh, guys, the blanket. Covered in piss. They go back inside. It's covered in literally dead dog piss. I don't have the heart to tell it. I don't want to tell my sister that kind of gruesome story. And so I'm like, it's just a thing.

Let's just leave the blanket. She goes inside. She wants the blanket back. Comes out, blanket in a plastic bag. She's like, they said to wash it. Yeah. I'm glad that's how they left it. And so I've been keeping it together pretty well the whole time.

But I left my water inside too. And so I'm like, can't get a bottle of water anywhere else. Let me go back to the dog slaughterhouse. You wacko. No, so I don't go in. So we get in the car and I was like, can we stop at the Shell? There's a gas station across the street. Can we stop at the Shell?

I need to get a water. And I'm like, finally, get my water get my get my water carry two waters walk up to the front desk and again i've been being like fucking man it's just just me i'm handling this shit and and i put the waters down i see the sign it's dog treats and it's tail wagon treats for your best friend and I just have this image of her tail wagon how happy she was right before

and I start fucking I break open and so I'm standing in the middle of a shell gas station holding two waters covered in my dead dog's piss, just crying. I obviously just start laughing my ass off.

So now I'm just in the middle of a shell gas station in the middle of nowhere, openly weeping, but laughing, and covered in urine. The scene. And the woman just goes, are you okay? And I was like,

I'm fine! She goes, the second water's free. I was like, thank you so much! Thanks! Holy shit, dude. You're like your own version

of that story from Fenway the other day where everything just kept getting worse yeah cry laughing in the middle of the fucking place covered in dog piss but then jesus the the really the greatest part of all this it's really been all awesome um i put up that story uh put up a little fucking tweet, just like four pictures of Maddie, and pretty quickly get a text from someone incredibly nice to me. It's Dave Portnoy. He commented RIP under your tweet, and I was like, I haven't seen Dave tweet at Feidelberg in like 20 years. Yeah, he texted me. He texted me, he's very sorry blah blah blah and then went so far and this is a this is a phrase

I bet you never thought anyone would hear like Dave's been outright nice to me once in my life when my dog died like he's we've been fine like outright nice yeah he's done a good job probably three times right outright just like nice one time where where he said – I don't want to exploit what he does. But he said – the phrase, maybe this will cheer you up was texted to me. When dead dogs fly. I mean I never thought I'd hear that. I am going to find the nearest pound, and I am going to show up there every day and say, point me to your oldest dog. I am going to be the Grim Reaper at this point. Just so Dave is nice to me all the time.

The dogs are going to see me walk in and be like, I hope it's not me today. The dogs will see me walk in and be like, I hope it's not me today. Dogs will see me walk in and know their time is almost up. Because John is so self-conscious. He needs a validation from Dave every once in a while.

Maybe this will cheer you up. Yeah. Holy fuck. But anyway, that was my weekend. I don't know what the craziest part was. Them threatening to kill themselves. The holocausting being an option. The dogs fucking.

The piss. It was just like one thing after another. And I'll tell you what. I mean, the Dave text is the craziest thing. All those other things I can expect to maybe happen. Yeah, the bestiality not so much the dave tax might take the cake i gotta do the rundown right now but what what did he say would cheer you up it was a taylor t-shirt he made and he was like uh i'll send

you a t-shirt is that what he's saying i don't want to spoil it it's a very cool t-shirt but but he's just saying like this will cheer you up because I made it to sell or for you it's to sell his thing to cheer you up for the dead dog was something you can buy on barcelsports.com

now I'm realizing it's funny I was like that's just so nice he was gonna do it anyway he was gonna do it anyway but it did cheer me up hey here's the thing it's gonna put some more money in my pocket

but sorry about your dead dog i feel bad everyone go buy whatever it is when dave posts it remember maddie well i got i got one more thing i want to say before we move on, because obviously can't have a funny, sad story without opening a Feidelberg trauma box. Cricket. Yeah. We drive it home. My mom tells us about how you guys have always had a weird thing with death because we're making jokes or whatever. Let me tell the reasons why, Ma. Maybe it was the family

fucking portrait at grandma's funeral maybe it was it was even uh it was a different grandmother's funeral and she goes it probably started when we had our private viewing when you were kids and we were like what are you talking about and i was so i was like a little older no i guess i wasn't i guess i was younger but whatever there was older. No, I guess I wasn't. I guess I was younger. But there was only three of us. So Neely wasn't even alive. But we were like four, two, and one or whatever we were, our ages. And my mom's mom had died. And she was saying that they brought us to the funeral home and had basically playtime in the room with the body.

And then dropped us off with all the other cousins. And the parents were like, where are you late? Where were you? And she said, we were with the body. And all my other aunts and uncles were like you brought them to the what the fuck is she's like i thought you guys were all doing it too all the cool kids were doing i was like she's like we we made you pray you were crying about it wait how old were you i think i was like four three four two and zero trying to remember like. I remember going to funerals.

But it's not even like a funeral. I guess it was just in the room, but nobody else. It was just us. They brought our toys. Polly's wild. Polly goes out of pocket on some of this shit. That is nuts. Bring your four-year-old to a room with a dead body?

Bring our toys! So we can just play! It's better than making you sit there and look at it. That is nuts. Bring your four-year-old to a room with a dead body. Bring our toys so we can just play. I mean, it's better than making you sit there and look at it. I think it's weirder to play with the toys. I guess, but you probably didn't even know. Oh, I have no memory of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But probably somewhere deep down is fucking in there. All right, it is time to do some gambling. The Bar bar school sports book is the only way to do that

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Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. What's up, fights? KFC. Of course, Jackie. Fun fact for you guys. I know we hear everyone all the time talking about like blood is thicker than water. But did you guys know that the full saying is actually the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb?

So that means pretty much everyone uses that completely wrong. Every time that they say well blood's thicker than water they it's literally means the opposite so hope y'all have fun thanks the blood of the covenant is thick in the water of the womb also why are you always surprised when someone says like of course jackie well it just was i don't know i don't know why it threw me off every time you're like oh that's surprising it was just sweet well i really like i really like a shout out you like a shout out i like i enjoy a shout out yeah i i had a feeling i enjoy when people kind of like do like a little like and jackie and then they wink so now you know you're only getting that yeah i know i know

but i but i want to be authentic like if you just what are you trying what is it what is the deal with the marker it's stressing me out that it's like kind of low and i want to i'm speaking into the mic today i decided so very impressive we're just learning that the microphone is broken after three months because jackie hasn't used. I don't even see her anymore. This is Colleen and Vinny's spot. That's true. Okay, as for the blood of the covenant, I don't know what any of that means. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

So the blood of the... Let's try and guess what that means. The blood of the covenant... The covenant is... So friends before family? I don't know what a covenant is. I am looking it up. Looking up a covenant. And the water of the womb, I would guess, is your water break.

Covenant and agreement. Covenant's an agreement. Okay. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Yes, that is the phrase. The saying means that chosen bonds are more significant than the water of the womb yes that is the phrase um the saying means that chosen bonds are more significant than the bonds with family or the water of the womb that is okay i i'll be honest i didn't get what he was saying yeah this i don't think should be

surprised anybody i was like i don't understand anything he means so the blood you choose is is more real which which is 100% fact. Yeah, I 100% agree with that. What percentage of your family do you think you like? Like genuinely like? Do I like? Yeah. And also I'll use the word love here too.

I love my aunt. Do you love your aunt? Maybe some, but you don't love them all exclusively without question. Come on. Family over everything. Come on. Family over everything. I would say there's like 75. There's the Pavanel. 75%.

How many? Okay, how many do you have? How many do I have? How many do you have? Family members? Yeah. Like aunts and uncles. I have, I think 10.

10? No, I think 10. 10? No, I think 12. And how many do you cry for? When they die. You like, you actually cry for all? I cry for every single one, yeah. Yeah? For sure.

No, you wouldn't. You said the other day that like, you were like, if I, if there, if there was like, if I had to save people, you said that you would only save one of your sisters. Fuck that. Seven minutes in, Jackie throws a pack of headbutts. Motherfucker says he's crying for his aunt. He sees less than he goes to church.

He's fucking killing his sister. If they were both hang on the hill, like one, one, like I'd probably save over the other. You're just rephrasing the same thing. One never wrote me a national championship for the Gators. One's got a fucking chance.

So that, but that is like, it's often been thrown out there with the friends givings and stuff like that where it obviously makes more sense to just spend time with the people you have chosen to like rather the ones you were born with similar dna to or exact same with similar i think so that's what this means It's just It's again This is not a unique original idea But spending time with family is the dumbest shit It's not very fast and furious

Huh? All that family is chosen Oh wow Good ass point Wait so does my family not love me? Probably not So much meaning when you say that For some reason Wait, so does my family not love me? Probably not, I guess. So much meaning when you say it for some reason.

Wait, does my family not love me? I don't know, Jackie. Probably not. How often have they come to New York to see you? How often have they come to New York and you haven't seen them? They've come to the city a lot of times where you just didn't see them? No, but I don't always see see them i fucking grind all day so sometimes they'll come to the city and you won't see them yeah well the other day they came they came and i was like well i'm gone because i was doing most dangerous and then our live shows and i was like i'm gone and they were like it it's okay. Your sister's here. Allison is the favorite.

They were like, what? You're gone. Yeah, they were like, it's okay. I was like, damn, this weekend that's been super advertised that you're not here. And this was before they booked their flights, too. I was like, you can't change it. Let me guess. Whatever weekend we're in Detroit and Buffalo,

they have another trip to New York. Ah, it keeps happening. They keep the KS Radio tour schedule on their free dates. We'll free these dates. Oh, fuck my family. That's really fucked up.

It is advertised. it's it is it's very public it's not kept a secret what weekends you will be here and what weekends you won't they're not doing anything then today i got picked up by an uber uh because i'm going to amsterdam as you listen to this i am in amsterdam um uh i'm with my this time. It's a slightly different trip. And the Uber driver picked me up. I have a bunch of luggage with me. He's like, oh, going on a trip? And I was like, yeah.

How long are you going for? 99.9% chance he's just making nice conversation and being a dude. And I was like, he's going to break into my apartment while I'm gone. But then I was like, that's crazy. If you're going to be picked up at your house, that's one thing. Like, Home Alone style. Like, I'm going gonna break into my apartment while i'm gone but then i was like that's great like if you're gonna pick up at your house that's one thing like home alone sound like i gotta break into an apartment building and guess what apartment i live in that would be nuts but i'm actually surprised that doesn't happen more often like with with delivery people

what do you mean because like with delivery people you you i wasn't really listening to what you were saying but i was just saying like with delivery people like you give them your apartment number and and you like in your apartment your home or home yeah sorry and like they just they never rob you but it's it's because you're there yeah but they could come back later like they know well they they know it's a house but you know that stuff by them from the street that's a good point but like what if what if like or what if i don't know what if they saw me and they're like well she's cute oh i'm yeah you talk rapings yeah raping should happen a lot more often well burglaries yeah cut that and by that man i mean cut out i mean clip that uh uh the uh yeah no the the yeah

it's it shocks me that women order delivery ever it's like i was a door dash driver yeah i know that was crazy but the fact that like i if i was a woman i wouldn't get food delivered i wouldn't get straight out to my house i wouldn't fucking do i i'd wear one of those fucking condom things i don't think you were around for these i blogged this on my condoms back in the day we used these condoms it was crazy um no google this it is fucking it was i blogged it on my old blog like in college uh it's it's like it's like i guess we call them dental dams yeah right like it's like a dental dam but it's full of spikes so if you get raped oh yeah it it basically sticks to your dick. Yeah. I remember you guys talking about that. You have to go to the hospital to get it removed.

So if you go into the hospital with one on, yeah, this is it right here. Yeah, this is exactly it. This is the exact one. I bet this came out in 2009. See when this article was written. Yeah, that's exactly it this is a 10

the yeah you have to go to the hospital to get it removed so if you go to the hospital with it on they know you raped somebody wow god wait so I'm just fucking around with it wait wait wait but I'm confused so it goes in there oh and then yeah

so that goes into your hooch. And then when the dick goes in, it can't come out because the teeth go into it. I'd fucking, I'd wear that thing and boy, would I dress slutty. I'd be out there asking for it. Wait, this is completely off topic. Sorry, but this... I've been just started with blood is thicker than water on fucking dental dam.

That reminds me like trying to decipher that. Hot cross buns. The hot cross buns. See how they run. What the fuck does that mean? Is that the lyrics? Yeah. Wait, no does that mean? Is that the lyrics? Yeah. Wait.

No, that's not it. Typically, if lyrics are correct, it's not this hard to look them up. I know. So usually when you're looking up lyrics, if you're remotely close, it's an autofill. Yeah. The one that came up is error 404. What if any two of any hot crossbonds? If you you have no daughters give them to your sons there's nothing

that says how they run I can hear it see how they run but maybe it's because you just said it I don't know this is definitely one of those times where it must be so frustrating listening to the show because someone knows what we're talking about and they're screaming in their car you fucking morons it's

this song and this song you're combining they sound similar um all right anyway the point of the matter is paz would kill one of his sisters uh jackie's parents hate her and um it is definitively like blood of the covenant is thick in the blood of the womb is 100 accurate and we should start using that one rather than the other one that's some fucking that's some fucking uh propaganda started by some fucking dickheads i bet that that blood you just drop like we just drop the parts that make the sentence smart blood is thicker than water it is blood itself thicker than water i think so yeah yeah familial bonds will always be strong they definitively won't most of my family i never see most of my family a vast

majority of my family i see you you would you would die for your immediate family over a friend probably so kind of checks out depends i feel like the people that the people that use this though and throw it at you are italian i was gonna say are like not your immediate family it's somebody trying to get you to come to a party or some shit. Somebody that needs a loan. Yeah. Yeah, definitely that. Come on, dude. Blood, stickers, and water. Okay, yeah. I learned a fun fact today.

Do you know in his career, Yogi Berra caught, I believe it's 127 back-to-back doubleheaders? It's fucking insane. That's nuts. That's fucking insane. That's nuts. That's nuts. They give guys like three days rest if they catch more than seven. We have five catchers on the Mets right now. I never know who's going out. Really? We all have to sub in and out.

It's crazy. I think it was 127. It was something absurd like that. Back-to-back double-handers. It was for like eight hours that day. You're just in the squat position. That's fucking insane. How was he

able to walk after 40? I don't think he was. I think he stopped growing. His body's like, we're going to be down here a lot. Let's just be little. By the way, I figured out three blind mice, Jackie. Yes. See how they run. And I think it is the same tune. Oh.

Okay. What's up kfc fights whole gang i'll keep it brief uh so i have a golf event for work that i'm about to go to and uh over my lunch break gambled on a fart lost shit my pants uh i'd show you but i'm not jersey jerry what the fuck am i supposed to do in this situation i mean the stain is visible like it's gonna it's gonna get brought up and i don't know if i should lie about it or just be or just own it you know so uh basically question is what would you guys do if you shit your pants and had to go to a public event and where people are definitely gonna see you shit your pants and had to go to a public event and where people are definitely going to see you shit your pants. Dog. When I hear about this kind of stuff,

like, like I, I've obviously heard that phrase before. I gamble on a fart. I, I guess I'm not a betting man. Like, I've never, I'm sure.

Look, I'm not trying to be like living in ivory tower. I shit my pants. I'm a regular guy here, but, but like, I've never... Look, I'm not trying to be like living in an ivory tower. I shit my pants. I'm a regular guy here. But like, I've never shit my pants. I can't be in public. They're going to see me shit my pants. You get a little bit in your underpants and you fucking throw those in the trash.

You move on with your life. For it to get through two layers is crazy. Would you fucking shit your pants and do a cannonball? How does it get fucking shit your pants and do a cannonball how does it get that let's get that through your pants like that's that's like like i i feel like when i hear that i feel like i've never shit my pants no because when you gamble gamble and lose like it's almost like a like when you spit and are able to like get it back up yeah when you start and feel like you're losing you like can suck it back up but like you never go all the way through with it

this doesn't really sound like something that like you could suck back up you can suck back up also did he say when you suck your shit back up with your asshole? Did he say he's going? Does he still go to the event? Was he just voicemailing? Was shit in his pants? Call it a day. You shake your pants. You're done. You were sick.

You can't do it. He's got an Iowa State shirt on if you guys are listening. So like, I don't know. How far away can a Walmart be? I was going to say that there is or it's like you have to have a friend. it's like you said like you text somebody like i need a pair of underwear everybody's gonna drop what they're doing yeah i got you yeah i got you you need underwear i got you the like yo bro i need on the third team right now i need you waiting with a it is and and and this i don't know why this came to my head he's a very normal looking guy he also looks like a guy

a shit your pants nickname is gonna stick because he probably looks so normal he probably needs a nickname yeah it's gonna be good with a fucking brown spot you're you're pantshitter like you're you're timmy two pairs that is it's not gonna go i mean like you you have to call a friend you have to call a friend. You have to call in sick. You have to go to Walmart. You're in the car. You have to. I mean, you can't. You can't go.

Is it a golf event? You can't go play 18 with a dump in your pants. You just can't do that. I was thinking he's a gambling man, though. He's going to gamble with how it goes. You know how you get your money back on that one? You keep betting everyone 50 bucks you shit your pants kind of along the along the same lines my first day as a caddy it was pouring rain out i got to

the golf course i'm using my dad's golf shoes from like the early 2000s 90s like these things haven't been worn in like 10 years. And after the first hole, both soles completely fell off. Like I was walking around, like you could see the shoe and you could just see my socks pressing out the bottom. Like they had no soles. I was walking in socks in the red,

wet grass. And I just like, this guy just went, I just fought it out the entire day i just walked 18 holes in wet socks i always think about this in kindergarten like i was walking with like my friend and she goes how like i think that there's something in my shoe and like turns her foot around there's this giant nail in her shoe and in her foot and i think about it like once a week being like how did she not realize it was a full nail it was huge like in her fucking foot she goes oh my god that was not a rock did the uh you saw the golf shoes anything that the i didn't tell this before but it was

high school and playing hockey and i had in hockey we had I think hockey pants are back in vogue again, wearing actual big baggy shorts kind of deal but then you wore a girdle and then you wore I love the word girdle I think we called them girdles you definitely called them girdles, at least I did

and you had a pair of baggier shorts you put over that those were tight, almost like compression shorts and you had baggier shorts over that and one day we were playing we're playing a game in boston it was either against dexter or roxbury latin and i forgot my shell that was called your girdle and your shell and i forgot my shell so i had to play a hockey game with just like basically compression shorts on and like i've never been i've never been heckled just like call me a ballerina figure skater hard gay slurs like dude like like and when there's like the slightest thing off about you, people take that as an open invitation to be impossibly disrespectful and rude and mean. But like this rank, I think it was Dexter.

The student section was like the seats started at the glass. So they were above the boards. And then the glass was short. Yeah. So the students could lay down and just stand up and just like bang on the glass. So like they were above the boards and then the glass was short. Yeah. So the students could lay down and just bet. I mean, stand up and just like bang on the glass. And like,

I played wing. So I'd be like sitting there, like waiting for a breakout pass. And like some hand would just come like slap me in the head. What's up? Yo, fuck it. Come on,

dude. I can think I, I clearly still remember this day. It still weighs on me very much. It was the worst day. I clearly still remember this day. It still weighs on me very much. It was the worst day of my life. It was just brutal. Has something like that ever happened with you? Getting bullied?

Huh? Getting bullied? No, I'm talking about with the pants situation. Oh, shitting my pants? Perhaps, sure. I was going to say with a a red situation um yeah i had it in fifth grade i don't know i'm like i'm like a dad talking to you like i'm like it's like a dad whose wife died and he's like i don't know how to talk to girls about stuff don't you have like an aunt you kind of love

be like i remember in fifth grade i was sitting next to a woman a girl who was bigger and i was sitting right across from my girlfriend and the girl got up from the desk, from her seat, and just ran out of class one day. And she was in a skirt. And I was like, what the fuck? That was so weird. And I looked over. And it was just a puddle of blood. And I didn't know what period it was.

It was fifth grade. Mrs. Almeida's class. Oh, yeah. And I, like, my head, like, snapped. I was like, oh, oh, oh. And as I was doing that, I sat across from my girlfriend. And she just started kicking. She obviously knew what the period was. And she just started kicking my foot.

She was like, don't, don't, don't. And I was like, what are you talking about? Don't tell anybody. Did you do that? I was like, did you stab her? Like, why? i'm like did you stab her like why it's like why can't i tell anybody it's so funny oh no i well i there's girls know this like sometimes you're just like sick of

putting in tampons after like at the end of like your period well free bleed and you just free bleed and you're like it fucking is what it is at this point i bleed my pants i bleed my pants i'm not putting another fucking tampon and i and you just i'll free bleed like the second day into the period and just it is what it is i'm not doing this i'm not gonna fucking put a tampon in. No way. What? And then, yeah. You have, you put on. Jack's like, dog, I'll just piss blood everywhere. It's just like, sorry, I'm not doing it. That was so uncomfortable.

She's directly looking at you. Is this why you wear black sometimes for like seven days in a row? Jackie goes like all black. time I wore white and I was just like listen today's gonna go one of two ways and like I don't care I was a gambling woman what was I saying you guys know I didn't get my period until i was in college

it's a fun fact about me really yeah what don't what that girl got in fifth grade that girl got it really yeah i know and then i went to the doctor and they were like i i think is it because you're on birth control no no i like nothing and they were like i think you just haven't gone through period i was like or through puberty and i was like, I think you just haven't gone through puberty. And I was like, I got a breast reduction. I was going to say, you had a boob job before you went through puberty? You're going through a second puberty, so I've gone through puberty twice. That sounds like something with special needs does. Anyways, that's a fun fact of the day.

Like, ah, we didn't nail it the first time let's get another shot she's still not a functioning adult woman the best I can do is inject a little more estrogen and see what happens your body's just like a chef in the kitchen putting it back in the oven

10 more minutes? yeah anyways putting it back in the oven yeah that's probably tmi all together no no that was good yeah next time you see me wear black you know jackie's like i'm not going through a god phase. I'm just a heavy flow. I have a feeling that that's going to stick. And don't start. Yeah, I'm not going to. Don't start what? Nothing.

I'm going to ask one more time. No, not at all. What is it? I just, yeah. Nothing. Okay. I was going to give it three. I thought for sure it was coming three. If you give them, like, if I was about to say, like, don't call me that, and then, like,

I was like, that would be dumb, because then. No, that would be crazy. Yeah. Well, what was it? All right. Last voicemail. If you would ask, like, one more time, I'd probably. It's a delicate dance.

I want to be pushy, but I know she's going to give it up. Shout out to the boys over at Original Penguin. Original Penguin. Jackie, do you know what Original Penguin is? I knew you didn't because it's too classy. Yes. That's the best advertising it is. That's the best advertising you can have for original penguin

Jackie you know what it is? No? Boom original penguin exudes class it's elegance I used to wear original penguin when I was a kid I had original penguin I have a gray long sleeve nice little logo nice little

how do you call it respectable logo it's gorgeous it is i genuinely really like uh original penguin and your face is off-putting to me at the moment and it's making it worse just stop doing things uh but penguin original penguin it's a 1955 it's sportswear icon born from the most unusual of places fueled by whiskey my guy abbott peterson purchased an unlikely drinking buddy for this flight home in the form of a stuffed penguin he named pete original penguin had been uh had been adorned and adored by the masters of culture and sport to define itself as an american classic that knows how to have fun still revered by the

originals today this iconic brand now fully encompasses the lifestyle of what it means to be an original and how to enjoy yourself while doing it. We are what you wear for good times. Original Penguins featured ambassadors include Cam Smith, Alicia Tomjanovich, Mackenzie McDonald, and Matt Wright. It is a truly iconic brand that I'm honored that they're advertising with us. Original Penguin, their Spring Summer 23 collection. By the way, when you're getting into the fucking brands with collections spring summer 23 the ss23 the fw23 moving up in the world shop original penguin spring summer 23 collection at originalpenguin.com and enjoy an original good time what's up guys uh this is a follow-up voicemail to my first one about the 50 shades of

gray and den of vipers um so apparently the nhl is fighting over book talk you may ask what book talk is well it's a side of tech talk where these women go feral over the characters in certain books and when i say books i mean porn um that is sold in barnes and noble so uh according to my wife seattle kraken are in the lead but their close second is the blackhawks um and she put and i quote uh the nhl is catering to the book talk uh fans so um with both teams uh no longer playing uh which team do you think will win in the book talk challenge the Seattle Kraken or the Chicago Blackhawks okay first of all Jackie you seem to know exactly I've never seen you nod your head like you're like yeah the book talk is it's just funny because I just got two books from book talk and I don't – I'm still reading. I'm still reading the Christmas book.

Yeah. So what is book talk? It's just like they talk – it's TikTok talks about books. OK. So how did anime get into this? Well, I don't really know. But Colleen Hoover and there's like a lot of other like but colleen hoover like pretty much writes like smut like okay no i don't i don't know exactly i've

never read it this guy's wife is so horny yeah book talk is like really horny i mean if he's the one who called it with the 911 like oh yeah it was he called him called it with the 911 like oh yeah it was he called it called it with 50 shades of gray my wife's just fucking herself to like the undead and english ceos and to seattle crack yeah um please continue no that's it there's a TikTok for books I just learned of this and I'm trying to get onto book talk

maybe I was misunderstanding then so then book talk your book talk seems to be very different than the book talk he was talking about in Barnes and Noble there's a whole section called book talk. It's like the books that they talk about on TikTok. Okay.

Now, where do the NHL hockey teams come into play? I got lost there, too. I got lost there. Okay, let's run it back one more time. What's up, guys? This is a follow-up voicemail to my first one about the 50 Shades of Grey and Den of Vipers for fights. So apparently the NHL is fighting over book talk. You may ask what book talk is.

Well, it's a side of TikTok where these women go feral over the characters in certain books. And when I say books, I mean porn that is sold in Barnes & Noble. So according to my wife, Seattle Kraken are in the lead, but their close second is the Blackhawks. And she quote, and I quote, the NHL is catering to the BookTok fans. with both teams no longer playing, which team do you think will win in the Book Talk Challenge, the Seattle Kraken or the Chicago Blackhawks? I'm somehow more confused. Can you Google NHL Book Talk Challenge? That's what I'm trying to look that up right now. While we're doing that, like the Kraken I can see being –

A lot of goalies doing splits over here. So how do we make KFC Radio? I was just thinking that. Because if foreign women are calling up international significant others or brother-in-laws and trying to fuck hockey teams, just laugh at one of my stupid jokes. That's all I need. I'll do whatever.

TikTok's just like – it's just everything. It's just – there's like, hey, here's this really weird thing that got all these people really famous. You're like, what are you talking about? I don't understand it. I was thinking that they want to fuck the mascots. No, why would you think that? Because I was thinking anime. There's, oh, anime. And then I was like, oh,

Kraken makes sense in my experience with anime. I didn't realize that's where you were going before. Yeah, I was thinking it was some kind of anime with the mascots. And I was like, oh yeah, Octopus. I've seen plenty of, because he's all like, he's like f feral porn and he's talking about how he called in with other uh fun facts about fucking like 50 shades of gray and 9-11 and shit so i thought oh the octopus is fucking things and then i was like i think there's no i think every way that you would make

the chicago blackhawks mascot fuck is racist it's so weird that like a team of hot athletes though you assumed that they wanted to fuck the mascots it's a fucking we're talking about official tiktok like you think yeah oh you thought i thought everyone was a normal person wanted to fuck humans on this weird feral section of tiktok yeah yeah it's weird you were thinking oh i bet it's just a bunch of hot men well i don't know but i know that that tiktok loves like um like the bit like scary men who are like rough and like you like break them down and like get and like then they get softened for you or whatever so maybe you you would kevin need to lean into that like be like be i think you're on a specific version of tiktok you're just revealing something maybe

like pretend to be a firefighter or something yeah um i'm just trying to help you out you can take you can take that advice or not but that's that's what i'm hearing the woman loves is that is that what you're hearing women look love tall dark mysterious and handsome yeah yeah they're like tough brooding like, tough, brooding. Yeah, they're, like, brooding, but then, like, one night, like, you, like, just... Yeah. Yeah. You, like, get hot and bothered. You, like, play with your hair.

Looking off in the distance, play with your hair. Like, yeah, I don't know. Just, like, you do like that. And they, yeah, they, like, they get in a fight, and then you, like, they, like, push you up against the wall, you know? Like that. That stuff. That's what I'm hearing that the woman likes.

But who knows? Bitches are crazy, man. Oh, man. All right. It is time for our interview with Matt. What mascot would be the sexiest? Philly the Fanatic. Philly the Fanatic, the baseballatic the baseball mascot the baseball mascot well yeah

is i didn't is it are we only talking hockey because that seems to have been a pretty central point yeah uh i don't know which one do you want to fuck the most i think it would probably be of all the hockey... The Kraken one is cute. The Kraken one has the most feminine sensibilities. Because he's a little elven. If I'm remembering correctly, he has a little fairy sprite to him.

Because the men are not looking for... Oh, this octopus? Well, you're looking like... I don't know the... Like, yes, I think the logo is very octopus-y for this Kraken, but the mascot is not. The mascot seems to be more like a... Oh.

Like I said, like a woodland creature. Yeah, yeah. It's a troll. Yeah. Yeah. The mascot seems like maybe a gal who went to skidmore came to new york for the weekend was like fucking up staying here cut her hair got into the pop punk scene i don't know just something

right maybe it was in the east. Has a septum piercing. I don't know. Me and Jackie got way too detailed at the fantasy. All right. All right. Talk. Interview with McClusker. Don't overthink your Father's Day gift.

Remember, your dad is richer than you. Probably. Don't try to buy him something expensive he either already has it or you're gonna make yourself financially irresponsible and stupid so lose lose the varsity sports store is full of awesome stuff that will make your dad feel young and cool that's exactly what you want your dad right jackie yeah yeah the stuff we have is cost effective and will make your dad feel like he's one of the guys and gets it that feels demeaning that it's in quotation marks like it's like almost like you're tricking your dad into thinking he's one of the guys get it for him because he is one of the guys that's all your dad wants to feel like is that he's one of the

guys so get him get him some barstool merch like the boys have that's all your dad wants to feel like is that he's one of the guys so get him get him some barstool merch like the boys have that's all he wants it's something he can't buy on his own he can't buy on his own you gotta you gotta open the door for him uh so my favorite items in the store i think you know it's the things i wear uh sad boy we got moon man we got am i the asshole game you can get that for your dad you You got to answer the internet. Foreplay stuff I'm sure your father wants. There's polo quarter zips, coffee, dad hats. We sell absolutely everything. We are fucking Cheesecake Factory.

We do it all. We do it all. It's all pretty good. None of it's great. We do it all. Shop now at store.barstoolsports.com. That is store.barstoolsports.com. All right, let's do it. We got Matty McCusker in the building.

What's up? What's up, guys? First solo. First solo appearance, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What a legend you are, bro. Thank you, man. You guys are fucking legends.

We're all legends, dude. I've started listening to podcasts in the last couple years despite doing them for like a decade. And I gotta say, you're way at the top of my list, bro. Thank you, man. As far as...

Well, first of all, you're a little bit crazy. Yeah, that does help, you're a little bit crazy. Yeah. That does help. That does help. You're crazy. You're a dangerous combo of crazy and at least semi-informed. Thank you. You know? I don't know, like, how.

You're just basically, like, you read books, you know? So you'll, like, cite a book, and I'm like, okay, this man's smart. And then a minute later you're spouting off about some shit and I'm like, it's probably true. He reads books. He reads books, dude. True. Nobody reads books anymore. That is a massive advantage.

It's the secret of podcasting. If you read one book, you can podcast for 12 hours. Where are you getting this from? If you podcast, all you need to do is if if everybody's like average intelligence and the facts that they know and all that shit is here you got to be like here that's it ideally just joe rogan made a hundred million dollars off of just knowing this much more about it it's everything don't get me wrong you can hold you like hug ting he'll tell you a little bit more about it if you want this science yeah aliens and whatever just go well it's like if you can hold two opinions in your head like demetrically opposed

opinions people were like what wait a second yeah yeah that's to put my whole life into one thing yeah what the hell there's two sides of it i'm i'm scared of reading books because i think i i think i'd become a monster. Are you talking about one specific book? No, I'm talking about books I'm talking about Blind John. I don't know what I'd do with that information. I read Joey Diaz's book.

He was on last week. I read his book. I read it in a day because he was coming on the next day, so I had to. And, dude, I walked around with my chest out for like a week. Oh, because you read a book. I was like, I read a whole book last week. I read a book, and I did it fast. If I did something like that regularly, I'd be insufferable.

I'd be insufferable. I'd have confidence I'd be a better person but that would turn to be a terrible person the downfall of your life would be reading books I don't read in order to better my career we would have like a like one day we do the behind the music you know it's like and then what happened to Feidelberg books you know the books man it is kind of you do go down rabbit holes man like you go down like really bizarro rabbit holes and it's also like i think genetically my body and mind are designed to like move piles of dirt so i'm i'm like confronting like just systems of thought my body's like what the fuck

is this yeah it hurts it hurts it really fucking hurts let's let's really get down to brass tacks though of course still no porno i fell you did oh when uh literally just last week holy shit nine months since august yeah because the audio is that public yeah oh yeah i tweeted right away i said brothers like because that was that was really weighing on me because dude for a while i was going i could just watch porn and not tell anyone i was was like, no, dude. The power of the wheels of the Lord of the Rings. Dude, I started getting into like living a double life where I just came out like a fucking, like one of those ministers that smokes meth with boys. I was like, I can just keep a secret.

No, no, I can't. I have to come clean. I have to to come but you you were still masturbating and shit you just weren't yeah okay the audio was i started because my problem and that was i'll be honest it's a it's a little bit of a loophole it is a big because like you're still stimulating you were chewing nicorette yeah like i was chewing i was it's an accepted way to not well here's when you when you depends on what you're listening to. It might be more like, depending on what you're listening to, it might be like I was dipping rather than smoking. True.

Because if you're listening to some nasty shit, it's probably just as fucking bad. What I found out initially is like what happens is you quit porn and then you go, you start using porn memories. You're like, I remember this one porn. Totally. So you're using porn memories and they fade. And then it's just like, I can think about anything. And like, well,

you know, it's like, well, you know, 9-11. Like, keep a governor on that. So yeah,

then you're just, they just put you in like a fucking, it was a, it was really just an experiment. Wait, what made you like, I'm so interested in the, the breaking point like

like i drinking and drugs it's like i just want to get that high again i want to get drunk again you were just like i gotta watch somebody get fucked again yeah well it's just kind of like for me it's like a an anxiety thing where like i want to go to bed i'm ramped up especially if you're doing like stand-up you're doing shows you get done and you're just like you're fully just ramped up you're like i want to go to bed now but i can't you watch the point you jerk off it's like you're you just took your energy bar down 50 totally yeah so it's like that's that was the main thing but i was i got like but more so than if you just like spank bank and jerked off like the porn makes it like you know if you're watching like i forgot with yourself yeah you're not masturbating you're

fucking yourself you're making noise like you're fucking yourself you're making noise you're making noise bro when you jerk off in porn you make noises bro I'm not saying the whole time but like I've caught myself upon release going like I was just gonna say jerking off by myself or having sex I've never come that made me go like this

I have with porn oh I've never come that made me go like this. I have with porn. I've never had the sit-up orgasm. Your whole body starts to contract. I'm over build-up. I'm like, uh. What was the choice? That would be my problem. You talk to someone who's like... What I entered back in with? What was the choice? Yeah, that's weird. That would be my problem.

You talk to someone who's like... What I entered back in with? Yeah. Tantric JOI. So I entered back in. It was still a loophole. It's this lady who will be like, don't give in to your animalistic impulses.

Yeah, right, right, right. So you're in your head. You're like, this is kind of wholesome. Stay with me. You're like, yeah, I'm going to... Yeah, then I'm just like, damn, fuck it. I was going to say, dude, those JOIs, those are like, dude, why is it 20 minutes lady well that's the point right i'm gonna break rules fast but she's kind of like because i'm i'm on a big mind is it is it by any chance the real roxy fox

because she has a lot of jli's there she is there it is if you type in tantric jli it's more for her mind it's more for her mind that's what i for her mind. That's what I love. I love her mind, dude. You know what? I'll honestly, I will give this to you. I don't know if this counts. This is so yoga. She sits Indian style, and yes, she's naked, but that one's not. Sometimes she has sex with a partner, but unfortunately she doesn't even know.

It's like she doesn't even wince. If I was behind her, I'd be like, dude, chill. Come on. How about this? Get into it. How about this? I'm learning something here. The male dry orgasm?

What is that? How to learn to have multiple orgasms in a row with semen retention. I try to do that. There's guys that claim that you can have an orgasm as a male and not let, you don't spill any seed. And I tried it one time with my wife and was just like, oh, fuck! And I just came everywhere.

I tried to hold it in while busting my, it doesn't work. So you just kind of clenched your asshole, basically? Yeah, I just went full fucking Yu-Gi-Oh. I was just like. I just, it was a sharp pain, then I just like, ah, came. Ow! Oh, fuck, I'm going to, oh, fuck! I just it like it was a sharp pain then I just like ah yeah came ow

oh fuck I'm gonna ow fuck didn't tell her what I was up to trying something different than I paid I'm like

I'm trying to get it so I can keep going after I she's like no please I don't I want you to stop immediately I was like

that's the best thing I can happen to her when I finally come she's like okay thank god i mean like like this to me though this girl you know i'm sure there's ones where she's just being a regular like porn i don't think there is but that's the thing i go down that rabbit hole i'm trying to find those because if i if i watch somebody just like sit there you know fucking like meditation style and just talk to me about like sexuality that ain't porn but you can see your

nipples though nipples bro that's what i'm saying you've been desensitized dude yeah i totally have been but like it's too late dude like like yeah i mean this you know that one maybe there's a little bit of asshole there but i'm saying to me that one's pretty good. But if I was in your position, I'm diving back in to an Adriana Cechik squirt competition gangbang. You know what I mean? I'm going all out. With the timer and the ticker and stuff? Yeah. Have you ever seen the gangbangs where they come inside the girl?

Everybody does? Yes. And they have a ticker. That's kind of weird. It just loads inside. where they come inside the girl? Everybody does? Yes. And they have a ticker. They have a... That's got to be... It just like loads inside. It says like loads and it's like ding, ding.

And there's like the 20th dude is just fucking a cum. That's just going up like a pop a shot. Like ding, ding, ding, ding. And I mean, she's just, you know, obviously. I mean, that woman, I do think has to be like soul dead because women do have sex

differently than men like they really truly do i know there's a kick of like we're just like we love getting fucked in the ass and skateboarding it's like no you don't stop it it's not the same trust me it's not i think it really does every time a woman has sex with a man it does it does something i do love that 300 loads dumped in you as a woman there's no way you're just being like i'm worried about internal drowning true people drink too much water and diet you're coming in her inner pussy all of a sudden she's like coming out of her mouth it's like when blood starts coming out someone gets stabbed in a movie yeah it just bubbles up they might have like an EMT on site.

We're still good on the cum. We can do 30 more minutes. How about have you ever seen, I say have you ever seen, I know you've seen, when they do it in a giant martini glass and then they drink it and they're choking.

See, that never appealed to me. People consuming lots of cum. That was more like a morbid. I'm not like waiting for the money and they're like choking see I never that never appealed to me people consuming lots of calm that was more like a morbid I'm not like waiting look I'm nowhere to judge

rabbit hole goes down that's a fear factor episode the rabbit hole for me breaks to the other side so I'm in a position to judge have you ever heard this theory

I personally just don't like watching people eat calm it's that word bro it's eat it was literally like last night someone it was like i was just scrolling i wasn't even watching just scrolling and it was like i don't know someone and it was like eats come off the table and i was like oh i don't know well you know i'm interested in like when's the last time a table got clean you're like not being presented as a meal it's not quite liquid bro you know is cum a liquid or a solid i don't know it's kind of that in between that's a slice scene from the fucking menu where it's just like people come on just jizz all over the table like here's a

spoon you fucking pig here's your palate cleanser dude it is crazy because i i remember uh one time i i always love whenever i used to go to strip clubs i'd always ask strippers i would say like what's like the craziest shit people ask for because i always i whenever I used to go to strip clubs I'd always ask strippers I would say like what's like the craziest shit people ask for because I always I'm always curious to know like where I stand on like how fucked up people are

yeah and there's been two of them who have been like it's good to know there's been two of them and you think you could think you're the most like kinked out dude

no way dude there was guys I've heard twice where there's been two different people told me dudes would be like yo go pee in a glass I'll give you 500 bucks

to drink it or I'll drink it I want you glass. I'll give you 500 bucks to drink it. Or I'll drink it. I want you to watch me. I want you to watch me drink your piss. It's the easiest $500 you'll ever make. I know. They would just go and pee. They would get their friends.

They'd pee in a glass, fill up a pint glass, and the dude would just fucking, they'd have to watch him and he would chug it. You might think you're depraved, but it's like, dude. You get pulled over on the way home.

It's like, the fuck? You had to drink his car but it's like dude you get pulled over on the way home it's like the fuck you had drink his car like piss not a drop sir probably do you have chlamydia in my throat though to be fair that could just be a deal hunter because you probably get pretty high drinking strippers piss he's drinking like half a klana pain like four lines of coke it's like that lady's an idiot uh sickler and segura were just on the pod together and they uh sickler was talking about um someone he interviewed for when he does the honeydew with his fans on his patreon and it was a girl who does dominatrix

bdsm type club shit and i think he said it was like a mayor like an unknown unnamed like politician of some sort that does that shit where they like shrink wrap your body in latex like you can't move and and you just have a mouth hole and and Tom was like yeah man like that that that uh the the claustrophobia of like just having my mouth like be open and that's it would kill me and Ryan was like and then they shit in that hole. I knew that was coming. I was about to say the mouth's open for a reason. I thought it was going to be, I don't know,

for oral sex. Can you shut your mouth when the turd comes? I think they want to just turn over his face. I'll just eat it. You know what? The land before time when that dinosaur eats its way out to me that's a great point because like i would think even if you are like this is so hot i love this this is my kink when push comes to shove in the moment of

truth i feel like human nature kicks in and your mouth closes oh if you can leave your mouth open while you are shrink wrapped to the ground for someone to shit in you i don't know bro i don't know what to say that man doesn't fear death at all because even you know like even let's say if you're like you're you're sexting with your girl and you're talking a big game about what you're gonna do and then when when game time comes you do like missionary for a little bit and then doggy stop for a minute and it's over it's and you're like i didn't do any of the shit I was going to talk about. As soon as I start doggy, I'm like, I'm done. That's the finish, Eric.

That's like the rock bottom. You know the three count's coming. And if I can kick out of that, it's a miracle. It's crazy. The crowd goes wild. I kick out at two and a half. I'm still going. It's over. Yeah, so it's J-Law. He's like, what's he doing? and a half. I'm still going. It's over.

Yeah, so this J-Law is like, what's he doing? He kicked out! No! No! But if you're like, I'm going to come to the club tonight and you're going to shit in my mouth, then you do it.

Think about it all day. Are you one of the guys when you have the the post do you have post nut clarity where you're like oh i gotta go back to like my kids and my job and i like that's not me yeah i have i have because imagine that if we have a mouthful of shit i have i have wild nut like super universal clarity and then it goes away to like more so like kind of like universal clarity meaning like you've solved the world it all makes sense yeah like half a second i'm gone i got a nirvana like i've achieved nirvana yeah i don't think i've ever had an orgasm then he so he's like he's like i'll finish the the video like he's not you know really not actually not in reality but you're saying you

don't have like a come down you just kind of was like obviously i go about my day i do also wonder if you really have never come though because, because you also say that you'll come like 10 times a session, 10 times a day. Oh, if I have a come over Sunday. I don't think he's coming. Yeah. Like, don't get me wrong. Your uncle didn't teach you?

I'm making a mess. A come comes out of your dick the 10th time? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, we have proof. I'm not. I am fertile. You're not questioning your swimmers.

We're just seeing if they ever escape your body. You might be dry gas. You might be tantric. Hey, hey, I've got to be pregnant. True. You might have been immaculate. In that case, we have a bigger problem. Oh, my God.

That's a skit right there A chick aborts an immaculate conception Would be so fucking funny It's a modern day It would rise again Three days later she's pregnant again You gotta be kidding me That's funny dude this guy won't go down stay down so you're like a you're a furious masturbator what's up you're a furious

no no in fact this is when he was younger but in fact i i know you're not not anymore i've i've posited that um wait it depends on where i'm at like like like masturbating is a depressed man's game like you're when you're in a good thought he says this about i don't know he's it's an anxious man's game as well an anxious man's game as well don't you say you only have sex when you're depressed no i don't but the two go together is i i don't think genuinely happy people have to come i think they're just like not day's good man had a good day i don't need to fuck i'm good that's see but this is yeah this is where i get then dude this is where i get tripped up because you're'll be like, yeah, I don't even need to do that. Then my body, I'll just like, what are you feeling?

See, I don't get the body high. I get the dopamine. I get like, yo, we're sad. No, my body is besieged by chemicals where I'm just like, I have to come. Something has to happen. Not coming, like the feeling of I need to masturbate. I got to get the poison out. I don't think

you have that okay like i have that like we we uh long time ago we had the mantra like just jerk off before you cheat before you have a test before you go up on stage yeah before you do anything questionable come and then when you're thinking clearly you'll probably not want to do that thing or if you still want to do it then you know you know yeah but if you don't feel that way like i mean there are times where i'm like i like i need to pee like i need to drink water i have to come i don't i don't feel it it's i'll only get it when it's like do it all together it won't be from things like that where like i'm stressed or whatever it'll just be depression or if i'm just like scrolling instagram and i'll be like oh fucking god damn it christy mack posted

and like i gotta take it like that like she's like i'll just get i'll see a hot chick and get horny yeah and that's called a masturbatory episode is that you have a masturbatory episode you see something you go i have to masturbate if I can do anything else. It's like one thumb there and as soon as she comes up, I'm like, yeah. When we used to just be bloggers, there were two posts.

It's prime of your jerking off career, dude. Still young enough that you're jerking. Prodigies, yeah. Old enough that you're living alone and now we are working on a blog that had three – a morning, noon, and night post interspersed with all of our comedy. The morning was called Wake Up With and it was just – we had this one dude. His name was Uncle Buck.

I don't even know if anyone has ever seen him in person. He would put together – this is pre-Instagram, all that shit. So this sounds crazy. Yeah. person he would put together this is pre-instagram all that shit so this sounds crazy yeah back then he would find like a new model that nobody knew and he would put together a folder of like 300 of their pictures and you every morning wake up with and you would just like click and be like oh look at how hot this girl that was almost too horny for me i never really engaged in wake-ups but there were guys every morning that would be like yo where's the wake-up it's like 9 a.m what to wake up with and this guy and so when we started i started the new york branch dave was like you can write whatever you want but you have to have these three posts and

the first ones wake up with i did megan fox i was like okay and i put like 10 pictures of megan fox on the site and i got an email being like this is garbage it's like first of all everyone knows who megan fox is second of all like 10 uh you need like you know 50 times the amount and I got an email being like this is garbage it's like first of all everyone knows who Megan Fox is second of all like 10 you need like you know 50 times the amount and I was like I don't know if I'm good for the wake up maybe he can do these as well but there was that in the morning then noon the one we did all do

and this one was great we did guess that ass should have hit him with Buck Angel Buck Angel we know what Buck Angel is right Buck Angel? I don't you don't know what Buck Angel you know who Buck Angel is right Buck Angel? I don't you don't know who Buck Angel is? Buck Angel is a woman who became like it looks like Vin Diesel

Buck Angel looks like Vin Diesel so it's like a jacked bald man with a vagina I think this is when I say we got the answer to our question of um the question to answer the internet is would you rather fuck the ugliest girl or vin diesel with a pussy no it's the hottest the hottest dude hottest celebrity hottest hottest woman but she has a penis with vin diesel with a pussy and i and that's buck angel i think because i remember being like if you check it out it's a treat it's

it is a treat it's a treat buck's doing a treat. It's a treat. Buck's doing, dude. Buck Angel. Buck's doing really good things. Oh, no, because this guy, I mean, he just, he doesn't look like Ben Diesel. He's just like a big guy. Yeah, that's what I mean. Not that jack. There's a guy. Buck's pretty jack.

Don't, you know, don't smirk. Buck's been working hard in the gym. No, no, he's jack. Buck started, you know, Buck had a build. It wasn't the greatest muscular foundation, dude. Buck didn't exactly get bored with it. Buck didn't start with roots, you know. You can go to aeispeakersbureau.com.

Buck will come. And Buck Speakers and Buck Angel is on there for engagements. Yeah, be careful though. How much do you think he charges? Since Buck coined the phrase, quote, it's not what's between your legs that defines you. He coined that? That's what he said?

That's what I tell my wife. Look, tell me what my legs define me. That is great. He coined that phrase? that's what he says i'm like get the fuck out of here um this guy has a like what yeah crazy box a real deal dude um now you have a mental image the the guess that ass was um we would find a celebrity like on like the celebrity gossip websites we would find a hot chick and we would just crop her butt and put it on the site and then you after the jump you would

click on it and yeah yeah the celebrities which ironically ended up getting us sued for like tens of thousands of dollars putting someone's ass while we were using this back in the wild wild west yeah we were using new york post celebrity pictures paparazzi pictures and those guys once we got big enough they realized we were using their shit without paying for it right and they had a backlog of like a billion pictures and it's something like several thousand dollars per picture god damn worked yeah you said tens i think it was hundreds of thousands of dollars yeah it was it was bad because i think it's like ten thousand dollars a pop. And they were like, you put up 10 pictures on this one post. And you did 50 posts.

Anyway, so there was that. And then the evening post was we did local smoke show of the day. Which, again, this is all before Instagram. So we would have frat boys who read Barstool be like, the most beautiful girl in the world is in this sorority. And we would reach out to her and be like, do you to be like a model on the site for the day we would just take their facebook pictures and post them and this so back before you at instagram where you realize that there's girls that are like on another level yeah yeah these girls were like

you're not in hollywood you're not like a starlet you're just a regular girl yeah so as a blogger we're like 25 doing those three things a day working from home this is all very roundabout way to say there's a lot of coming going on yeah you were reading our website back in the day it was one hand here and one hand like cleaning up this is pretty chive this is competing with chive okay like that was we considered that our competition in that regard they didn't have bloggers or personalities but it was like if you're looking for chicks and gifts and videos like you go to the jive we were always trying to be like also we got that over here too but um a lot of horny a lot of horny going on yeah yeah a lot of days i went to i went to the

door to get my delivery and felt that extra drop of cum fall out. You had a cold spot in your boxers? Damn. I got it all over my back. How about when you, like later in the day, when you're changing, you get in the shower and there's like lint

stuck to the dry. Bro, how about this? The other day, I'm acting as glue to the lint. We're on the same page. Stop. You gotta pinch it off. The other day, we were on a show here, and we were talking about... It's a vile episode. I'm sorry, my presence is just

disgusting. We're talking about the... Someone was talking about... i've never had that issue i don't know what it is i might have a a girthy hole but i never have like that don't brag you have a sewer hole i don't know dog i don't know man i never it's a manhole dude here's a crocodile like a stopper in the bath. You got to pop that thing in there.

Here's how I know. This is going to be. You don't even know about this. And you're going to be like, Jesus Christ, that happened again. There was. I wonder if Colleen just blocks this out. No. God damn it.

The. It was like 50%. Yeah, that's a good blocks this out. No. God damn it. The... We were talking about how you get the split stream when you get the dragon and dragon. And I was like, I never get like that.

That never happens to me. Like the split stream fire thing. And they were like, how do you know it never happens? And I was like, I actually take

great note of it because one time... I write it down every day, I actually take great note of it. Because one time. I write it down every day. I journal. Didn't happen again. Didn't happen again. When I was a kid, I was watching me, myself, and Irene with my friend's dad. Just the two of us.

Wait. I don't know where he was. We were at his house. And I was watching. You were just his dad. Just I was watching the movie with just his dad. That's fucking bizarre. You should never be alone with another kid's parents without that kid. You're either fucking the mom or the dad's about to fuck you.

That's weird. He was probably like an outdoorsy friend. And I was like, I like to chill. So you're like a little house cat. I'm late and I'll be there in a minute. He was like, I'm going to go play outside. You were sitting up purring underneath the father.

Your buddy's outside playing fetch and you're just... You're watching me, myself, and Irene with the dad. We're watching me, myself, and Irene and dad we're watching me myself and irene and there's that scene where jim carrey that's a sharing a lazy boy where he like starts pissing everywhere and then like yeah wraps himself up in like the in the in the shower curtain or whatever and i was just like i don't know i wasn't laughing that hard i didn't i was so young i didn't really understand what was happening. The dad was dying. And I was kind of looking around confused.

And he was just like, you'll get this one day. And you never have. And I'm always, every time I piss, I'm always like, fuck it, he's wrong. He's wrong. You should call him. Like, yo, dude, just let you know. Still nothing. Still haven't sprayed cum all over.

I've sprayed piss all over a bathroom because I dried cum in my dick yet. On the dozen, wasn't it like a one seed of when you guys did everyday things? The one seed was like stopping a double spray of pee. That was the topic. That was like the one seed. Was it a one seed? It was like stopping a double spray of pee. That was the topic. That was like the one seed. Was it a one seed? It was very high as far as everyday things you can do. One of those guys on the panel was like,

I'm really good at stopping when my dick is on the spray. Yeah, I forget who it was, but it was someone. Yeah, Breakthrough. Yeah, that's what inspired the whole thing. You might have a girthy hole because i have i've told you this many times i've taken note of his stream like it's pretty nice you know you can hear it and it goes long and i'm like wow i i feel emasculated but maybe he's just got like a fire hole it's just could be just when john pisses

i can fucking piss with the best of them, dog. It's like a waterfall of mist coming off the bottom of your face. He also said he could piss from – there was tiles in the bathroom. How many tiles, the average square tile, away from a urinal do you think you could hit? I can rip. I mean, I would just – I don't know. The average square tiles, I could probably go, I mean, green can to the couch. That's a good, yeah, that's a good pitch. That's realistic.

I want to say that. I feel like John was like, I can go from the TV to the couch. I'm like, come on. That's what I wanted to say. I was going to say from here to that camera. I mean, what's stopping you from fucking doing it? I'll tell you what, fucking gravity, bro. It's just not happening.

I just want to... I'm like, I got to put him to the test. Something's definitely wrong with your bladder. So maybe you can. Maybe you've got all sorts of issues. Yeah, I want to see. TV to there. We should do that.

We've been talking about trying to do some pay-per-view stuff and paywall stuff. Certainly pay-per-view. And we're always like, we say everything here. We don't hold back. So there's nothing more. Maybe we just do like piss content. Full frontal male nudity. That's behind the paywall is full frontal male nudity.

If you did OnlyFans or whatever, paywall, full frontal nudity, how much money do you think you'd make? Not a lot. I don't think. If you were to just try to honestly estimate, do you think that a few dudes would sign up? Do you think a handful of girls would sign up? I'd say maybe one pinch of girls would sign up.

But I think maybe – I get dudes, honestly. That's what I'm thinking, right? I get dudes. I can probably make money off you guys. I'd be dudes. I'd have to take the sample of my bass and be like, all right, all right, all right. Pulls her in. Focus right. Polls are in. Focus group.

Polls are in. Yeah. Do you guys have any gays in the fan base? There's a couple, yeah. Yeah. We just had a show at the Wilbur and there was not one gay person there. I was so devastated. What?

What did you – did you like poll or something? Yeah, we were just like circadian. I was kind of like, are there couples in the house tonight? No, no, no, no. Any boyfriends, any girlfriends? We were talking about Clone Willie. Oh, yeah. We were wondering if gay guys would fuck themselves with their own dick.

And we asked the crowd. And everyone was like, I don't know. There's no one gay here. I was like, any – What? Is there a gay person in Mugfeet? Yeah. I mean, we had a thousand people there.

They're all in the seminary. We had a thousand people there. Our show was very openly gay, basically. I was stunned. And after the show, there was one girl. She was like, I'm a gay, but I just didn't want to talk. I was like, all right, at least we checked the box. Does the Matt and Shane Secret Podcast have a good female audience?

Girlfriends. Yeah, girlfriends. Women come to our shows like captive. They're prisoners of the show no there's a couple there are a couple that come up afterwards and they're like yeah i love the show i'm always like we get a lot of where's your husband man we get a lot of people girls who are like i didn't know who you were they dragged me but i enjoy it i like it now so i'm like all right cool it's like kind of the best thing you can get is like someone coming in who probably is a skeptical girl be like these guys are disgusting yeah and

then she walks out going they're disgusting but they were fun yeah yeah that does happen i mean i was uh i was in denver last weekend it's mostly it is mostly couples and every now and again like a just a rogue female lady will just be like i love your podcast huge fan i'm just kind of like all right goodbye we met we had some forward some girls who were very forward at our last couple meet and greets uh how about did you notice that girl who called you adorable no i don't like that though i know but she she said she was like she said something to me like you're funny or whatever like i like you and then she turned to you she said can i just say i think you're funny or whatever. I like you. She turned to you and she said, can I just say, I think you're adorable. And I think you were kind of moving on to the next person who was coming.

And she basically said, I think that night we had a bit about saying, who in the world would ever fuck us? She was like, can I just say, I think you're adorable. And when you guys were up there saying, who would fuck you? I would. I was just like, damn. Get out of the seat, pervert. I was like, yeah, next. We got a fat guy to take a picture with.

Oh, it was a pleasure meeting you. That's like, I'm so bad at reading signs. I'm not even talking about just with fans, just with women in general. If a woman tells me she wants to fuck me, that's the quickest way to guarantee I'm not fucking you. Like, I'll be too intimidated. You're crazy, dude. You've got such a broken brain. It's also because when it comes up to you and says, like, I'm not fucking you like i'm crazy i'll be too intimidated such a broken brain and it's also because when it comes up to you and says like i want to fuck you i'm like in your head i am already here i'm just gonna bring it down i'd rather you walk off think that forever like thinking i'm amazing yeah i'd rather be somebody i'd rather be somebody's

fantasy forever than than their disappointment yeah dude if I was someone who fucked fans, the show would go down the tube. I'd listen to that fucking... That dude sucks. I've never had a relationship with a woman that ended with, I'm going to keep listening to that guy's podcast. They might listen, though. I feel like they scout. I feel like that's kind of...

It's a KGB, dude. They're full KGB. I'll get text DMs from women I dated in high school. Why are you talking about me? They're in the fucking Kremlin, dude. They're all in the KGB. I'll get text DMs from women I dated in high school. Why are you talking about me? They're in the fucking Kremlin, dude. They're all in the Kremlin. I mean, if you think about a girl's dream, you could offer a girl a duffel bag of like 50 grand cash

or their boyfriend's phone unlocked, and they're taking the phone every time. Yeah, I would say. They just love the information. They just want to know everything they're also very intuitive if you haven't i can listen to a three-hour podcast and find everything multiple times a week yeah that's like a treasure trove it is and they are yeah they are usually intuitive it's annoying yeah you can't i've i've 100 of the time when they say say like, oh, you want to fuck that girl, don't you? And you're like,

no, we're just like friends or coworkers. When you break up with her, you fuck that girl every time. But it's also like, we give them a lot of credit for that. It's also like, the hot chick I have a relationship with.

Yeah, no kidding. The super hot girl I see 40 hours a week. In the bag? Yeah. I fucked her immediately. Yeah. Right.

It's like, I can't fuck girls that don't I don't know you're gonna have to find them somewhere you're right but they usually are it's a risky business fucking women who are totally strangers

I almost find it's risky I'm saying like not even introduce yourself you said that in at least one conversation there's at least one that needs to transpire you can be a short one but it's gotta happen that's not nice and funny i'm sorry that's not nice and funny i'm just saying i'm saying that's completely off the table.

You've been married a long time? Yeah. Well, yeah, if you combine marriages. If I married two marriages. Oh, I didn't know you got divorced. Oh, okay. I got divorced and then I got remarried. If you combine them, I've been married for a while, bro.

How long was your first one? Two or three years. Yeah, that's like Gretzky and his brother. You know that stat? It's like Wayne Gretzky and his brother combined for like, you know, 2,156 points. Gretzky has 2,150 of them.

In the NHL, they're the, there've been a lot of brothers throughout the history of the NHL. And, um, a lot of really good brothers. And the leading point scorers of all brothers are the Gretzkys. And Brett has four, I think. Poor bastard.

How many checks does he have? He probably has four. You know who we ended up being the captain of? The Danbury Trashers. That hockey team that they had the documentary on that was like run by the mob. Yeah, he was like their initial big signing to get the title. That's kind of cool. Oh, that was one where the rich guy. Oh, by the mob. Yeah, he was like their initial big signing to get the pot. That's kind of cool. Yeah. Oh, that was the one where the rich guy.

Oh, I heard that. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. But the reason I ask is like you effectively missed like the app era. No, I didn't. You were back in on it? The first one dumped me out into it, and I just was like, it was dude.

And you did the apps and everything yes i didn't do it i i those things i'm saying it's like you like i was so completely obsessed with it yeah like i couldn't do i was just like really and you would fuck them all or meet up with them all or you're just doing like the app for you know i've never my i can't ever put any rhyme or reason to it it was always kind of like really really, it was very regular. I'm, I was much like hand in hat, like more, please. Every time this is going to go well,

I don't have a scoop of pussy. Please. Wow. This is all can't wait. This is happening. Oh, well, but no,

it is. It does. Yeah. You can like really kind of figure that whole thing out. And like, it just opens up this weird thing where you're like, everyone's like, I'm dating.

Yeah. Fucking a bunch of people. Right. Right. Right. And that's, I never did it. Not out of, I find it to be exhausting when people are like i go on like four or five fucking like dates a week you start you have you start you eventually organically

develop a spiel where you're like oh you're saying the same shit it's like it's like an act it's like you're on stage it's you know what's the deal with this i uh but i never i never got in i mean i guess i was using like instagram which is basically just if you're single and using it in that manner it just becomes a dating app similar right yeah but um oh that's interesting though because i thought you would have missed it i don't think i could have like handled it like even if it's going well and you're like it's sad people i think you do get it's like inherently a little bit yeah it's inherently then it's like you have to like delete apps. It's just like a weird.

That's got to be a weird thing because I've never used them just out of fear. Same reason I don't fuck strangers. I'm like, they're going to tell people about this. I can't do it. What are you wearing? Like a goat's head? What are you doing? Well, no.

You know what is funny, though? Because when it blew up, Barstool was kind of getting big. and i feel like if you like send your opening lines people screenshot it or whatever but it's like you're gonna do that at some point with it i didn't even think about that yeah i got all my online dating in while i was just really just kicking around like yeah if i if i didn't have any public that variety i probably would be a pick yeah i probably would have been on that and just fucking you can be a complete just because you're just not yeah like i just fuck whoever whatever keep it moving yeah it's but this was you know when when you a little bit of accountability because it's going to be like people gonna be i matched with him and he said this and did that

and it's like well then i'm only gonna do it with you know if it's worth, well, then I'm only going to do it with, you know, if it's worth it. Yeah. Mulaney has that line. Anyone who's seen my dick or my mom needs to die. And I agree. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. It's a hard, it's, you know, everyone has to, that's, that was my whole obsession with not watching porn. I was trying to see, I was like, how am I going to wrangle like sexual impulses and

be married? It's just, it's a fucking lot to do and most people just quietly fall by the wayside and it's like dude i totally get it yeah so i was trying to like champion it and i was like i won't do because i'm not against i'm not like totally against porn i just ran the experiment and i was like all right i kind of got what life's like without it and i was like i'm really into that stuff it's like it's hard to not watch very difficult you're really into porn yeah it's for me it's more it's not like i'm not i don't like like i wouldn't go to like the convention and be like

no no it's like your routine it's exactly it's like a very it was a very like drilled into like the deepest parts of my brain routine totally when you start to break routines like that all you get all this free floating anxiety and shit and it's that's what i'm interested in just like exploring all that stuff i can see that very much I was very proud of you following along with it. I was like, every day I'd see I'm still off the nog. I was like, fuck it. Well, now I'm on a thing where I'm like, should I continue? Should I get back on?

How long did you think you were going to go? A year. I wanted to do a full year. I had to make it to August, and I fell. Because then I get in these weird holes where I'm like, I don't have like... You're in recovery, man. It's not true. You didn't fail.

I'm not like puritanical about it. I don't have like a mission. I was like, I'm curious if I can do it. And if it is, there's a genuine payoff. And then I started getting to the point where it was like, I was like, quit coming on like the,

which McCall, like I'd have sex with my wife and it'd be like, bam. And I was like, all right, it's not the best either. Yeah. So I was trying to find,

so I'm trying to find a middle ground. I'm an extreme. He's like, go watch some porn. You fucking prude. Oh God. So yeah, ground i'm gonna she's like go watch some porn you fucking prude oh god so yeah now i'm trying i'm just trying to find i'm trying to find it from like a functional because people latch on like yeah that's demonic that's like i'm not out for that i'm trying to

find a functional way to move through the world without like my fucking prostate exploding or me like eating a hooker's ass in vegas and like you know happy risking it all christian it could happen burr was in here talking about how he's doing the testosterone shots oh that must have spiked and he's like i'm drinking off like 100 times a day i was like i don't think i need any more boners than i like have i mean yeah i guess you know they're getting harder to come by as i get older but they they happen when i need them to happen and i don't like i don't need i don't need them you know what i've been getting them a lot recently and i was a little bit uh nervous to be in the car with you guys i've been getting them when i'm driving recently yeah thank god i think i like i think my

body knew enough to be like you're with co-workers keep your dicks off but if i hit if i hit a long road a long road trip i don't know if it's like the vibration. You're stressed about driving to Boston. I'm like, it's so fucking hard. It's hard. You just ride in the back. Every time Google Maps, it's a traffic update.

He's like, 10 more minutes. You just ride in the back like a Chinese emperor. It's hard as a rock are we gonna stop for gas can you pump it but but i but i don't know if it's just like a little bit of the or just my mind you know in your in the car your phone's off you're not yeah yeah it's one of the times i'm really just thinking i don't know what it is because sometimes it's not even it's not like I'm sitting

there thinking about porn or whatever it's just I hear about people getting them on airplanes a lot yeah yeah yeah I want to say there's a reason

that I read like there's actually your ears pop your dick gets hard yeah you gotta chew gum to get your butt tomato juice tastes better

it's all right yeah yeah no it is well for me it's like a real interesting the whole idea is so interesting because like dudes have never been so assaulted from every angle of like porn on the phone then it's like chicks walking around no bras ass cheeks out it's like it is a lot from a sensory body perspective to take in and just try to like just keep cramming it yeah dude you you don't realize especially when you go off the porn it's like dude like it is a big fucking deal to see a naked lady's body and it's just on tap it was dude you didn't the most important thing that could happen

to you you're like if you go back like way back for like you know average ancestors like thousands of years ago maybe saw three naked ladies two of them were probably like mom and sister. And they'd be like, oh shit. And then it was like, you'd finally get to, you'd finally get the bone. It probably was,

I think in the very beginning of time, it was probably, you saw everybody naked a lot. True, all the time. It was locker room. And then there was like, cause you're hunting and just surviving. Yeah.

It's like the stairs out here. You kind of like can see guys balls walking up the stairs obviously I honored every woman with flow I went ma'am have you ascended to the top I will now go that's a problem by the way yeah there is you really can

I didn't think about it much until you just said it I have hunter's eyes dude it was periphery I was just going oh Jesus alright I tried to see God's balls though I was like damn it I can't see anything I see like a pube

nice when do you think shame set in with nakedness like not me of course but yeah you know because it probably went from like everyone's naked all the time nobody cares to like don't ever show anything to now like if it's not your asshole i don't even care we've seen nipples we see thongs i think it was all that well they had it like the early church had it kind of like vanquish paganism.

Yeah. Because there was like- They were partying naked by the fire and doing fucking ceremonies and shit. And to be fair, it's like they were like, look, guys, we can't run a society based on just shooting jizz on each other and cutting each other's heads off. Everyone demonizes the early church. They had a good point early on. They were dealing with really serious shit.

We're like, guys, I know you think it's awesome to cum all the time, but we've got to put a bottle in this just a little bit. And they went a little too extreme. This is my inner struggle right now. I'm trying to figure it out. Because they had the Temple of Aphrodite. That was the thing when the Catholic church started. There was dudes that were like, I can go to Catholic church and watch a guy with a wafer and shit.

Or be like, there's a temple of Aphrodite and I can go have sex with prostitutes and worship babes. I know. You could go get the morning dump in real life. You would go have sex with hot ladies and then you would eat. They had barbecue grills outside. You'd come out and munch. Where is this? Like this like uh greek like ancient greece yeah they have they'd offer meat to the temple so then they would just grill it all up and the high priests and priestesses would just sell the meat outside as like you fucking eat you're just fucking in

munch bbq bottle that is a good or you go to church and be like don't fucking come yeah i know my church saint paul did say you could eat the meat outside saint paul said you could eat the meat outside the temple that's fine so you could munch on that fucking hooker meat not not the hookers with hookers yeah that was like a serious problem people had to confront now you know it's been confronted in like a lot of that did get stomped out where yeah shame is a nasty residual of it but also like imagine no shame at all that that's you need something to keep you in check it's almost like hangovers when you drink like the hangover unnecessary evil because otherwise you just never fucking stop exactly

every once in a while you run into someone without shame and you're like how do you live i mean some of these some some you go to orchard beach in the summer in the bronx and some of the bathing suits it's just like how do you it's increasing the house you can go to Orchard Beach in the summer in the Bronx and some of the bathing suits, it's just like, how do you, it's increasing the house. You can go to the Jersey shore.

My, my, someone I know called me and was just kind of like, dude, I was there. I was there. And I'm just cool. Yeah.

And I'm just kind of like, yeah. Even if you're hot, to be honest, like body wise. Oh, you're saying everyone's letting it spill out. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm talking about like people, if you're hot and you do it, it's like, it's inappropriate, but like, I get it. like – it's inappropriate, but I get it. But the people who are like – I get it too actually. Yeah.

If I was hot, I would never have my shirt on ever and shit like that. But if like the people who are like truly like just ugly, disgusting people. Oh, you're talking about no shame. I'm talking more so about like guilt. You're talking about no shame. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean – yeah. I don't know.

I mean that's – I guess as long as it's not affecting anyone, it's like whatever. But I'm talking – you're talking about like seeing like a person in like super revealing clothing who's also just like not hot. Yeah, it's like don't you say to yourself, oh my god. Yeah, there's a weird appeal to that. They walk around with like the confidence. I'm like, okay. There can be an appeal to that though because then you can go like, you do have huge boobs. Yeah.

And huge shoulders. I'll find huge boobs. And huge shoulders. And a huge head. You probably bench a lot. I've become a boob guy later in my life. You're on the most odd journey I ever... There's no solving this Rubik's Cube. Were you an old school butt guy? Oh, yeah. What were you? Was you an old school butt guy or what were you an old school day one butt guy

we've all very much been on the train of like boobs are for kids and asses are for men and he's regressing I'm the opposite I think there are some things that happen as you become an adult and you mature and they're like

I actually was thinking about them the other day just the other day thinking about boobs are some things that happen as you become an adult and you mature and they're like i actually i was thinking about the other day just the other day and they're like thinking about boobs i was thinking about it was you know what inspired the whole thing was fucking what's her name the olsen sister elizabeth olsen do you see elizabeth olsen recently she got out she was on some pull that up elizabeth olsen was on some red carpet recently where it was just like, holy mother. I thought they looked like Gulag survivors for a while. Elizabeth is the sister who is in Marvel movies and stuff like that. Oh.

The twins are. Not the twins. Yeah, the twins are NYU girls smoking cigarettes still, I think. Okay, yeah. They're like heroin chic. I'm going to pull up Rosebud Baker instead and look at her giant tits. What am I? The Guardians movie?

No, that's Civil War. What was she in? I forget. It was just some low-cut thing, and I was like, whoa. I'm going to write Elizabeth Olsen tits. I'm just going to go for it. I mean, yeah. No, I mean, that's there.

But I was thinking about other things that just happened when you were like, that's the one right there. That cannot be real. That's not real. We would know if that's. That's the other Olsen sister? No fucking way. She fucking church right now don't i no no this is deviant art that that means it's gonna be oh you fell for ai dude you know what never mind i'm out he's coming for all of us he's been talking about ai is not gonna to – it's going to be fine. You just got got. I got got by the Pope and fucking tits. I've always said you can get me and then once I know I don't care anymore, now I'm off with Olsen training.

Are they – so that's not – first of all, I'm blown away there's another Olsen sister. I didn't know this, so that's big news. I think when I first found that out, that was – And she's killing it. She's in – she was in Marvel Vision, WandaVision. She just really sat back. Yeah, yeah, right. She waited. She just really sat back. Yeah, right. She waited.

She just fucking – By all accounts, she seems like a normal functioning – she does interviews and she's very – She wasn't exploited as a four-year-old. Yeah. John Stamos didn't try to get her fired when she was two. Did he really do that? He was like –

it was kind of in a joking manner on on the podcast that he told but i think in in real life it probably wasn't he was like uh like get this fucking kid out of here like she's crying too much like we can't do this and then the other person they had like a stand-in or whatever like a understudy whatever you want to call it and he was like never mind this one's bring back the other ones but like who knows it could have been could have been like i as a father could you ever see yourself like bringing she was a baby yeah we're not talking about child actor she was like a goo goo gaga baby yeah dude and bringing them to set and being like here you go like like as i was watching that that video clip they had photos on the screen and it was like

john stamos with his shirt off posing with michelle tanner for like a for a photo shoot i'm like that's not your fucking niece or daughter in real life that's my fucking kid and you're just a hollywood star taking half naked pictures with my kid yeah that's fucking weird it's also not cut the check yeah it's a tense environment for a baby too because you're on set and everyone's bustling it's it's like not cut the check yeah it's a tense environment for a baby too because you're on set and everyone's bustling it's like human sacrifice dude

the studio audience might be going aww but the director's going like God we gotta do it again fuck this especially if he's like

this baby's crying way too much yeah there's lights blaring its face we're doing a show about a baby like about a family

there's gotta be babies gotta be a baby I do get it I would be like shut that baby up but also are there's got to be babies i do get it i would be like shut that baby up but also are they going according to the baby's nap schedule too like the baby's napping that's what i'm being like let's hold the production for another hour we'll wait they're being like get the fuck up at that age it's like you know a bottle at 11 a nap at 12 another bottle at one you're like there's no time to be an It's crazy. I guess that's why they had two of them. It's like, well, this one's napping.

This one's on stage. Yeah. I mean, hopefully they just can do a quick shot. But yeah, if he's saying like, yeah, babies are crying all the time. It's like, Jesus Christ. I'm kidding, dude. Meanwhile, Bob Saget was like, the Jews.

It's so funny. He was the most offensive guy. Is he dead now? Yeah. He died. Yeah. He dies. That was weird, though. He was offensive with his humor. And then dead now? Yeah. Yeah. He died. Yeah. Yeah. He does. Man.

That was weird though. He was offensive with his humor. And then people like all of a sudden took it to mean, I think they were so like surprised by the fact that he was this Danny Tanner. And then he was on stage talking about porn and shit. It's like, well, one is a literal actor,

like a literal fake role. And the other one is him on stage. He's probably somewhere like in the middle, like the rest of us where he can behave like a normal person in front of children but he also likes to fuck a little bit yeah people were like he's a pervert it's like no i would have i would have paid for him like a private thing for him to give me like a dj talk you know when he like comes up yeah on one bedroom yeah i'm on the bed like they're just being so fucking mean he kind of dude he so he came on the show a few times

probably like three times and he sent me a DM once after we like sold out some show and he was like I want you to know I'm really proud of you

like it was that's really nice he's one of the he's one of the few guests we've had like who like kept in touch and stuff like that and

it wasn't over the top it wasn't like we were like we had any relationship like kept in touch and stuff like that and it was it wasn't over the top it wasn't like we were like we had any relationship any real relationship but i was like it's like dude that was really nice bob thank you very much for saying that go write a song about it yeah a little acoustic acoustic tribute that was one of those ones too when when he died i was like i could tweet this out and be like, he's a really nice guy, but then I was like, well, then it's making a death about me. So I just didn't. Yeah.

That was the first one. That was the first one where I remember being like, I remember being like, I could actually do one of these, like, share a nice story about him because he's knock on wood we haven't had anybody else die yeah but i was but i think i did do it but because i was like i

overthought it this way that way i'm like just fucking do it you know yeah yeah but um anyway i know you gotta get the shit it gets dropped from everyone's minds anyway i just i'm like shoot it's like people will forget that's what i mean like like it's it's like when people when some people don't want you to know their birthday it's like it's your I mean. It's like when people, when some people don't want you to know their birthday, it's like, it's your birthday. Just say it's your birthday.

Why do people not want to? You know what I mean? It's like, you don't want to be known as the person who celebrates your birthday. Sorry. I've never heard of that.

I'm usually reminded to the point, usually mentally bludgeoned by the fact. Birthday month. Get the fuck out of hereudgeoned by the fact. Birthday month. Get the fuck out of here. Dude, by the way, before we let you go, I went to the Eagles game with your brother. Oh, yeah.

We got to talk a little bit. Big Bill. Big Bill. Wait. I texted you about this, but we met someone at the bar who talked about the McCusker compound, as they called it. Did you guys call it that or the neighborhood called it that? It was called.

People would be like, it's a compound. We adopted that for ourselves. After people were like, oh, you live in a compound that uh it was called people would be like it's a compound then we adopted that for ourselves after people like oh you live in a compound we're like yeah i guess it is a compound it was it was you and then like your uncles and and cousins and shit were like next door yeah so it was no so it was yeah it was uh so my dad and my dad's brother bought land and they just built two houses and it was kind of rural pennsylvania right yeah and eventually it was in delaware county is in garnet valley but then it got like people started developing there like years after we had been there and it was kind of rural. This is in Pennsylvania, right? Yeah. And eventually it was in Delaware County. It was in Garner Valley. But then it got like, people started developing there like years after we had been there. So it was just a house, my dad, six kids, and then my cousins, his brother, and they

were both one of 10 kids, by the way. So then my dad had six kids. His brother had 10 kids. And we just lived on this like plot of land. One woman? One mom? Yeah. 10 kids?

Yeah, man. lived on this like plot of land one woman one mom yeah 10 kids yeah man she was either pregnant feeding or taking care of kids for like the rest like her whole life they just like a never-ending dude and historically women have been pregnant or rearing children for about half their life over half yeah holy yeah historically that's been yeah yeah it's pretty nuts when you think about that okay and then mostly was in that mix. So Billy. Yeah. Billy was in.

So we all just got. Yeah. It was just 16 kids running around. Just like plot of land. Like a rural area. But it's like. It's 16 McCuskers. Yeah.

Not 16 kids. 16 McCuskers. It's an important distinction. Mutants. Mutants. Yeah. But the. It was.

You know. Billy. I forget what Billy does. But he came. And he had the work boots on. Yeah. He was doing demolition. Or he was doing trash.

Yeah. Yeah. The jeans on. He, he was what, like, I think what, what men want to picture men as where he's like,

he's just talking. And I was like, I was like, Oh, I bet he's a big football guy. And I was like, we think about the Eagles this year is week two. It was Monday night football.

It was like Shane fucking O'Connor. Um, and then Billy just looks at me and he just goes, dude, if you can name three, more than three guys on a football team, you're gay. When I heard that, bro. It's Muse. It's like he's such a man. He's so tough that sports is gay?

That's incredible. It was like an eye-opening thing. I was like, oh, that's right. Men don't care about sports, dude. It's boys who want to be burning. It's only because our dad didn't watch sports. We just never got exposed to it. People are like, yo, how are the Phillies looking?

I'm like, I have no idea. I support you in enjoying it, and I'll watch it with you, but I don't give a fuck at all. I don't care at all. Dude, I get in conversations and i it's like sure because everyone just assumes you know well it spikes conversations with strangers because like hey uh the fucking devil razor looking i'm like i don't know i don't know what the fuck you're talking about man like do you want to talk about pre-christian greece like no not at all i'm like we're at an impasse this relationship will go no further

all right we wrap up uh this is a new thing we're doing uh can you give us and i think you're going to be a good candidate for this i hope can you give us a fun fact oh a fun fact uh spiders do you know spiders nurse their young on milk yeah spiders spiders produce milk spiders produce a milk like substance they got titties

yes and they nurse their many their little baby spiders yes you know that I do not you had that just right my cousin called me

the other day and hit me with it he's like dude you know spiders milk imagine why oh it's uh you know

shout out Hoss shout out hoss dude so fucking funny spider's milk like the only thing he said like that was all we had to talk about yeah that was on the docket dude it's one thing if it's like you know we got to plan the the family reunion oh by the way i saw this thing on tv. Just to be like, spiders milk their young. Thank God he did, because I don't know what else I would have said. Really? I feel like you would have a bunch of them. Could we consume it? Could we consume it?

You could probably drink spider milk. Well, it'd have to be a fucking massive spider to produce enough for a human. But what if we just killed a bunch of spiders and drank their milk? But I'm saying, I'm saying, like, like a... That's a more difficult task. I killed a lot of spiders

with my dad. Ew, a wolf spider. All spiders do this? I think only a certain amount, but I'm not sure. I think there's a, so is the spider a mammal? It's not a mammal.

It's a non-mammal, but it produces eggs. It does milk. Pretty crazy. they're big ones and small ones because that's what i'm saying like a small one would make like a drop of milk so like those ones in all the way out of fucking 16 ounce can't give a fucking almonds making milk like and i don't even start on that i don't know how that shit works why why why how do you get from a fucking to a glass of milk why haven't we explored spider milk? I'm not drinking spider milk. I would drink spider milk.

That would be nasty, dude. What? The question is, if I drink it, can I... Will I become Spider-Man? Four times the sugar, too? That's just delicious. That's so good.

You can do people, though? Are you looking at people though like is it a thing like are you looking at people like pictures and videos of them drinking i'm gonna be just fucking tweaking spider nipples you know when they get like the venom out of a spider it's got oh that's a male spider god damn it milkers hanging over a glass not for humans not for humans oh like humans can't drink it yeah it, it says... Well, there's a recommendation. Do not drink it. Yeah, that sounds about right. I get a lot of those recommendations.

There's a lot of protein. Yeah, I was like, come on. Oh, it expired? I'm drinking it. All right, brother. Go do the podcast. Dude, thank you guys. Thank you so much.

Matt's going to head over to do Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, which you can find everywhere in the Patreon, of course. Yep, yep. And you're out on the road. Yeah, I'm doing a special. I'm going to do a special. I'm going to record it June 1st and through the third. Oh, shit, coming up, yep. And you're out on the road. Yeah, I'm doing a special. I'm going to do a special. I'm going to record it June 1st. Oh, shit, coming up.

Yeah. Timing worked out perfectly. Where is that? I'm going to do it in Philly at Helium. Okay. Are tickets available for that? Yeah, yeah. MattMcCusker.com slash dates.

Go MattMcCusker.com. You can watch and record a special. I'm sure it's going to kill. It must have been a fun few years for you. Yeah. It's been a blast. I'm sure as soon as Shane popped, it was kind of like, oh, shit. Yeah, that was like... This is going to work now like that was surreal for a while yeah it's kind of like yeah because i'm used to things just like completely exploding in my face i was like it's

coming and then i was like yeah were you doing like a day job and then yeah i was like i was painting i would paint houses and then you know and you were doing comedy the podcast kind of podcast making a little extra cash a couple little side side hustles. And then all of a sudden, it's like, number one Patreon and all that kind of shit. Yeah, that was kind of crazy. Crazy. Whoa. Whoa.

Good for you guys, man. That's incredible. Thank you, man. All right, bro. See you next time. សូវាប់ពីបានប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.