KFC Radio - Feitelberg Reveals The Best Dating Hack You'll Hear Ft. Ralph Barbosa

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

Timecodes: 0:00 KFC's pumpkin carving experience 16:13 Carving watermelons 18:43 Typewriter Art: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUNUsLqSKJw 20:38 What's your best halloween costume? 24:51 Feits ate the greatest cookie of all time 28:17 Feits' Hoka experience 34:35 Nate Bargatze on SNL 41:31 Feits went to the statue of liberty 47:16 Matthew Perry died 01:00:59 Travis Kelce's Publicist Should get fired 01:32:09 Jackie's latest IG +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Stacker2 Energy: Go to https://Stacker2.com/Barstool-sports for your Barstool Bite Back Special. Get $5 bucks off your purchase OR $5 bucks worth of free product. Pirate Water: Go to https://drinkpiratewater.com to find Pirate Water in a location near you or order on gopuff BetterHelp: KFC Radio is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/KFC today to get 10% off your first month.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. There are many a lady I'm taking to Crave Fish Bar. You can thank someone else for that. You can thank the girl who dumped me and made me cry for that. They got a lobster curry there that'll knock your sock off. Today's episode of KFC Radio is brought to you by Stacker 2. What is Stacker 2?

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Get that energy, save that money, get your B12 and bite back with the stack. Alright, it's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Hopefully you are watching on YouTube. We got some new cameras set up by Pavs and Jackie today, so we're looking crisp. What are we in? We in 4K? 8K? 4K. Let's go. I want 8K next.

20K after that. So, if you're watching on YouTube, it's probably terrible for us. Oh, yeah. It just gets worse. Remember when porn stars said that HD ruined their careers? Yeah. Because they were just fucking in like 8-bit.

Everyone has acne? Yeah. What the fuck? That was us. That was us. It never looked good to begin with. But 4K is not good on your boy. It's Halloween as you listen to this, right?

Halloween! It's the Halloween edition of KC Radio. I saw so many podcasts dressing up and having so much fun and I was like, I'm just not doing that. I said to these guys earlier,

I was like, that's like year two, year three podcast behavior yeah years well i came as doug funny today just throw your underpants on on the other i'll be quail man you be doug but you know what i mean it was like i have on uh khaki pants and i was like jesus christ you can't you can't be doug funny the fucking nose and everything that's great we need somebody jack you can dress up like patty mayonnaise i'll be fucking roger klotz half our audience like who are these people you're talking about

they're probably thinking they're real people they're gonna look it up and go, oh, my God. Yeah, he nailed it. But so many new podcasts or just still excited people dressed up. And it's the Halloween episode. What's the deal with the Halloween costume contest here tomorrow? Yeah, I know I'm the judge. You're a judge? Who else is a judge? I don't know. I was going to ask you if you are.

No, I'm not. Are you in it? I'm not. Well, you'd be a judge with me then. No, I'm going to ask you if you are. Are you in it? I'm not. You'd be a judge with me then. No, I'm going to fucking do it. Oh, you're in it? Okay. I'm not in it, but I'm going to be in it. Well, yeah, that's what I mean.

I just saw a sign for it. It's a cash prize with four fucking cash signs. Whoa, buddy. What do you think that is? $250? That seemed like a very specific number you just said. No, I truly have no idea. That seemed like a number you know No I I truly have no idea That seemed like a number you know exactly how much it is

I do not I'm actually thinking That's a crazy number I thought I was making fun of the fact that they're cheap Dude this is a $250 This is a $250 Fucking Halloween

Now it's got to be. I was actually thinking, and maybe I'll just say it right now, and then I'll let the people know. I might up the ante a little bit, whatever they have decided. So people try, you know? You'd be ready to tell them soon. Tomorrow is how much time. Well, I don't think many people have planned any longer than you know 24 hours

for this one maybe i'm wrong maybe there's some people going all out but uh i i saw um ian and jordan had a podcast clip i think it's got like 20 million views it's a huge clip um and it's uh she's dressed as the joker i think with face face paint, and I don't even know what Ian is, and they are arguing over whether the word is easiolistly, easiol, easiest, easiliest, or easiostly. Both are going back and forth. And Jordan, like, gaslights the fuck out of him and says that you said easily

is, and then they rewind the tape and she's the one saying easily is, then nobody could arrive at easiest. Neither. Nobody in the room was like, I was actually easy. I don't know if this is smarter or dumber for me, but I was going most easily.

Well, that, and that, that was smarter. I think that's smart because I was like, it's easiest. And then I saw in the comments, people like it's most easily.

And I was like, Ooh, that's the proper subjugation dang shit dude that's a sweater vest fucking thing talking right there doug funny ass over here um but but they looked you know they were just so excited in their costumes and everything and i was just like i'm just not doing that i did carve pumpkins though yeah i. Yeah. I got in the Halloween spirit and carved some pumpkins. I got a little bit of skills in pumpkin carving. Dude. Like the same level I can – no, no, I don't. Not really.

But like the same level – Like versus your children? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The same way that I can wrap presents like like, unexpectedly well, same sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. So it's not like, I'm not like an art master, but you would think I'd be like awful, and I can kind of, now, I mean, a lot of shit these days, I don't do it freehand. I put a fucking stencil up and do that. But, so I did a Mario, Super Mario face that came out well, and then I wanted to do a Taylor Swift one. What I wanted

to do was her on the fucking chair with her leg spread. You know, that's like her signature move. No. Like which one? You know when she drops it, she has a chair like on stage when she's dancing and she drops it slow and then drops her ass

and then she turns around and she kind of I can't believe. Yes, vaguely. It's like her signature move of the tour. Vaguely. Everyone's like, ooh, like Mother's Bean fucking – No, let me see it. Okay. Taylor Swift. She does like the – I think it's during like a – so that's like –

I don't think I would have known that. And then – She AC Slaters it. Yeah, but she does this thing. She like spins it around and then she like drops it low slowly and then drops all the way and it's like, oh, shit. But what I did instead, i wanted to do this and um so i print out this this exact picture i think and i start to trace it on the pumpkin and everything and i start to cut it out and i when you when you when you do these pumpkin stencils they have like black ink and like light

like light ink yeah and you when you cut a pumpkin you have to they have black ink and light ink. When you cut a pumpkin, you have to cut the negative space, if you will. It's like Michelangelo carving the David. Sure. The David was in there. He just had to take the marble off. He didn't carve a David. He carved the marble off the David.

So the Mario, since it was a stencil like it showed it specifically this was just a picture and I start to I take a little box cutter and I put like the like dotted lines around everything and I'm cutting her out and then I get to the chair which has like multiple legs and multiple like things on the backrest and I'm like oh I gotta do this side and this side so that and i did the whole thing reversed so that like instead of the pumpkin the outline of her i just it was just a whole fucking empty hole and i tried to salvage it um and i i don't think I successfully did.

My dad, when we used to carve pumpkins, never let us use stencils. We got to do it freehand. We got to do it like artists. Did those suck? We just did the same pumpkin every day for my entire life. Yeah, like triangle eyes. I've only ever carved one pumpkin. Is it the triangle? Yeah.

Of course it's the triangle. Two teeth. I don't know. Maybe from a distance. I can see that. Yeah. But if you look close, look how many – I got out the toothpicks and shit. Look how many, like, chopped up pieces of pumpkin there are.

Yeah, yeah. Keep that 10 feet away from anybody. Oh, that looks good. Let me see. No. No, no, no. You watch from there. You'll ruin it if you look closely.

I wish we didn't have our 4K cameras today. Maybe the old cameras, I would have looked fire. But let me show you Mario. Mario came out pretty dope. It's not direct, but... Oh, yeah. That's 6K, right? Don't zoom in, but that was very good.

Well, fuck you. Dude, that M is legit. That's a crisp M. That M is very good. It's good, right? Don't zoom in, but that was very good. Well, fuck you. Dude, that M is legit. That's a crisp M. That M is very good. It's a crisp M. I did have a funny moment, though. The reason I was doing the Mario one was the kids, their neighborhood does a contest for the best pumpkin on the block. It's actually pretty cool because everybody does it.

So like probably like 30 homes come in front of this one house and she sets up candy and some face painting and shit like that. And then everybody puts their pumpkins in a line and I think you get a number and you vote or whatever. And it's probably a $250 cash prize. And so the kids were with their mom this weekend, but I was like, I'm going to come over for that, and I was like, do you guys have a pumpkin?

I don't think they had one, so I was like, all right, I'll make a pumpkin. I don't think I asked. I just took it upon myself. I was like, I'll make the pumpkin. I'm going through thinking of what the kids like these days, and I was going to do Bluey. Do you know who Bluey is?

I know the name. Yeah. Do you guys know Bluey? I don't know Bluey. He's just a dog. He's got like blue. I think I would have guessed it was a dog. Huh?

Are you talking about Bluey's Clues? I don't think so. I know. Yeah. I don't think that's Bluey's Clues, right? No, but I know know it's big on youtube right yeah i mean my kids love it so i i can't tell anymore if my kids are watching youtube or like a channel i don't know what's what it's just on the screen um but bluey let me show you what

bluey would it look like um bluey involved some of that, um, where you almost have to like shave the front of the pumpkin. You know what I mean? Like where you don't, it's not just cutting. It's like, it's, um, you know, so like the glow works, but like this was bluey and I was like, yo, I can't do that. And, um, and so I bring my, pumpkin over, like, trying to be all heroic. I was like, I've got this Mario pumpkin.

It came out pretty good. And they were like, cool. I'm like, do you want to see ours? And Caitlin's man fucking made a perfect Bluey. Fucking Michelangelo style, dude. Fucking nailed it, dude. I wanted

to just pick that shit up and smash that fucking rope. Yeah, I can only trip and just throw Mario into it like a fucking turtle shell. I was gonna say, get the red shell out. Oh, that was funny. just i mean obviously in the moment and nothing was said or but in my head i was like this is out of a fucking sitcom

that really would be a sitcom things you get like either embarrassed or proud of we're like i did that better like as an adult we like totally doesn't matter at all there are so many little things like that we're like oh yeah dude that was definitely one of them i never thought i would have been even i think i got a thing with pumpkins because i was like that taylor swift thing i i i was like oh this is gonna be good as i started it and then when i realized i botched it i was like i gotta do it again i gotta get in the pumpkin i'm gonna do it i was like i'm gonna do it sometime this week and then when I realized I botched it, I was like, I gotta do it again. I gotta get another pumpkin. I'm gonna do it. I was like, I'm gonna do it sometime this week, and then I realized that Halloween's, like, tomorrow, so I was like, if Halloween

was another couple days away, I think I would get another pumpkin and try this out. It's, like, eating at me that I didn't get this fucking pumpkin then. Why don't we carve watermelons? I think... Google why we carve pumpkins in the first place. Probably harder to carve out a watermelon. No, disagree.

Have you carved pumpkins recently? Yeah, actually. I feel like they're hard, bro. They are thick, and they are hard. I only ever did triangle eyes, so you nailed it. I feel like somebody at one point a few years ago said carving

pumpkins is racist. They tried to play that card. I don't think that's true at all. Is it like a Liz Horseman thing? Sleepy Hollow? I would imagine so, but that's... You can just read it. When Irish immigrants moved to the US, they began carving jack-o'-lanterns from pumpkins. You didn't say that, did you? No.

Oh, just Irish. They would carve demonic faces out of turnips to frighten away Jack's wandering soul. It's an Irish thing. Turnips. It came from Ireland. And Jack is just like a demon? I guess Jack's wandering soul must be a demon.

Jack is the fucking local drunk. Watermelons. Why don't we do that? That'd be dope in the summer. Can you Google carving watermelons? There's too much water in them. They're like 50% water. You gotta scoop it all you gotta scoop it all out the same way you scoop the pumpkin that's the other thing by the way shout out to all my parents this weekend and and maybe

today yesterday when the hardest job in the world no but the most annoying job in the world is when you're like you guys want to carve pumpkins and they get all excited and they lose interest in 35 seconds and play video games while you're covered in goddamn pumpkin guts with pumpkin seeds everywhere jamming your fucking knife in and out like slicing your fingers and i'm sore from carving pumpkins while my kids were like is it done yet fuck you guys do you uh fuck i was just gonna say do you cook the pumpkin seeds? I the first

the first batch was cooked and I I was like I was like do you want to save these and cook? and I was like nah sure whatever

I don't know are those you eat pumpkin seeds the same way you eat like sunflower seeds like you crack it open and there's an inside or you can just like

jump on those things yeah yeah I mean i i uh pumpkin pumpkin people can do some wild things with pumpkins man i watched like there's like a netflix show or on one of the channels like uh the great pumpkin challenge i mean these motherfuckers you know can create yeah pieces of art with these pumpkins it's crazy there's like a big debate like there's a lot of people pushing for carbon watermelons. I know you guys can't see it right now,

but there's a lot of articles. I mean, yeah, you could probably carve anything. You can milk anything with nipples. I feel like anything but a watermelon. Why don't we carve a watermelon? I think it's a good summer activity. Can't be carving watermelons. Oh, I've definitely seen things like this.

They're more like centerpiece display. Oh, shit. That tiger? Yeah, that's different. That's like people who carve like fucking lead in a pencil. What? You ever seen that? Like someone carves like the pencil tip into like a statue?

It's crazy. Like on the pencil? Yeah. It's nuts. How do they do that? Like zoom in? Zoom cameras. This is one of the craziest things

I've ever seen. How do you even get to this level? Practice. Yeah, like all the time though? You must have to work on like a watermelon farm

or some shit. Did you see the guy I put on? What? For real, you just have to have like access to pumpkin access to watermelons at all times. You're like all these incredible artists are just watermelon farmers. Like how many watermelons do you like?

You just got to buy them all and just fucking. Yeah, you got to have like that cart full of watermelons just ready on deck to fucking try and fail. I imagine you can carve in anything you can carve in a watermelon. So you're good at sculpting other things. True, true, true. I'm going to do a watermelon today. True, true, true. There's got to be some art to it because it is mushy.

Did you see the guy I posted, the typewriter guy? No. Part of my, if you follow me on Instagram, KFC Barstool, it's like One Minute man videos, some, you know, some goddamn jazz videos and then strictly weird art people. Like the girl I told you last week who painted with her fingers and toes and shit. This guy,

uh, is a typewriter artist. Meaning like, it's like a black and white photo, but all of the, uh, things are letters that he just types in and he holds the sheet of paper and he moves it around and it's like 500 000 characters on a fucking on a piece

it's impressive but i'm like i cannot think of anything i would rather do less than that let me find them real quick. James Cook artwork. Like, yeah, check this out. This is crazy. Oh, yeah, it's sick. Now, like, how do you get, how do you decide on that?

That's a popular form of art, too, though, like typing. This is our segment where we describe art On KFC Radio You gotta be I only know it from The office when Pam did it with Dwight Pam did Dwight's face

On a computer Typing like that? Yeah People who paint on rice or like yeah tip like that can't be worth it i saw that this guy james cook yeah he has a tom hanks uh piece that he sells for four thousand bucks that you know i'm sure if somebody sells that then buys that then it was worth it but like doesn't look like anyone's buying it and you now did that for nothing not for nothing but why do you think no one was buying it well it's just still on sale you know what i mean i feel

like it would be gone if it was sold i just, I think it's just one of one. Yeah, but I would imagine if he's still doing it, people would buy him. I mean, yeah. If that... If we check back and it's gone, but it looks like he sells

all these other prints for like $100, $45. Oh, I see, I see, I see. You know, so that one is just chilling. But God, I mean, that gives me... That would take so fucking long. The patience, dude, the patience.

I don't have patience for shit. I, no. I would never do something like this. Anyway, Halloween today. So, you know, watch out for people giving away drugs for free in your kids candy um what's your best halloween costume ever do you have one that sticks out no my best halloween costume ever was when i was peter pan for a year yeah that was my best my best halloween costume occurred on august 14th on my birthday i did the i did the rocketeer for a few

months too um oh yeah i remember that one well i remember you telling me about that one i would Best Halloween costume occurred on August 14th on my birthday. I did the Rocketeer for a few months, too. Oh, yeah. I remember that one. Well, I remember you telling me about that one. I would just go to the gym. I would go to the gym every day dressed as Rocketeer. I'd be like, who is this fucking kid? Wait, you were old enough to be going to the gym?

No, but like I would. Oh, your dad would just bring you, right? I went to the gym every day. I just had to hang out. Yeah. And I would just be running around. Dude, those guys in the gym must be like, this kid's awesome. Yeah. That kid's this kid's awesome. Yeah.

That kid's going to be awesome. My dad was talking about that the other day when we were doing – when I went to Corey G's gym. He's like, not a lot of people had a key to a gym when they were four years old. It's like, I guess. I don't know, dude. Bro, I can tell your dad is so proud of you being like the meathead that you are. It's great.

Keegan is in martial arts, and he's, like, been in it for a while. And they just asked him, or told him, rather, that he can try out for Muta, I think it's called. Like, or, I don't know. It's martial arts mixed with, like, it's two words, whatever, put together. And it means warrior. And they start sparring and, like, hitting each other. mixed with like it's two words whatever put together and it means warrior and it starts they start sparring and like hitting each other and they start doing like stick work really with sticks and uh i'm so excited for that i mean i think my kid could be of your kid yeah yeah for

real he um you got to try out for like it's like a real tryout so that'll be like the first time that like he might get cut from something will be'll be scary. But if he makes it, he's going to be so pumped. And then, yeah, he's going to like, start like, you know,

fighting like, Oh, that's awesome. Like talk about living vicariously. I don't care. I'm not going to be the dad who's like, we got to go shoot a thousand jumpers a day. Or like,

we're not leaving until, you know, we got to do what we got to do. We got to take ground balls until your fucking hands are bleeding, whatever. But that, cause I did all bleeding, whatever. But because I did all that and whatever, it's not like it it's like do it, don't do it, doesn't really matter.

But I never did any of that shit. A, I'm totally out of shape. B, I never fought, never did any of that stuff. So I want him, I'm going to like I'll be the asshole dad for that more so than I will for the regular sports. I want him to be like a killing machine. I'll be the asshole dad

pizza shit out of my kid let's go we're just training bam KFC radio is sponsored by better help do you ever feel like your brain is getting in its own way almost all the time do you do you feel like you know what you should do and what's good for

you but you just can't do it absolutely check do for do therapy you know what you should do and what's good for you, but you just can't do it. Absolutely. Check for two for two. Uh, therapy helps you figure out what's holding you back so you can work for yourself instead of against yourself. Uh, I, I still have my sleep paralysis at night and my, my anxiety in the morning cause I just wake up and consider i'm doing everything wrong and everything needs to i need to change everything and uh and maybe i do but also there's a chance that my brain is just being your enemy mr trickies out there in my in my brain just tricking me so uh i'm gonna try to get back in that better help swing of things where i can sit with someone and talk

regularly anytime i've done betterHelp, it really helps tremendously. That's also people think you're in therapy, like you're in therapy for a life. You know, when things get tough, you can use it. When tragedy strikes or something changes in your life and you need it, you use it. And then when you're good and you feel like you've addressed some issues, you don't have to go. So I know it's helped me when I've had some of my most difficult stretches of life, so it can help you as well. So if you're thinking about starting therapy in general, give BetterHelp a try.

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But Doug Funny over here claims he ate the greatest cookie of all time. Well, that was one of the many things I had this weekend. I had quite a weekend. First talk to me about this cookie, though. Have you finished you gonna keep it i finished it finished it part of me thought there would be there's some beauty in if you kept that again talking about art like you know what honestly i swear to god i'm not even kidding you if you were an artist already established i think if you put that in like a case and you called it like and you had a a clever title for it like you know forever forever unsatisfied or something like that uh and you're like this is the best cookie that this

artist ever ate and like he is you know he wanted to preserve it forever and will never be it's locked up yeah double super safe security and no one will ever finish this cookie and that way the world can can always say that like the greatest cookie of all time is is still right here i bet you some art dickheads would love that it's it's hands down the best cookie i've ever had in my life now i took a picture of myself taking a final bite very high history now is it because you were super stoned that's this no i bought it sober And then Just as the day went on But have you eaten it sober Yeah yeah yeah

No I started eating it right away And like my very first bite I bought it like 11am yesterday Oh My very first bite I was like We gotta hang on to this No way

Yeah You just bought one Huh You just bought one I bought one That's silly I bought Huh

Where's it from I'm not telling you Can't get cream cookies You cannot What You cannot. What? You cannot. No, it's from a bakery called Fabrique. So you've got to give them love.

Although I will say, when you give away – I remember – I mean, this is not giving it away because they got very popular. They were on that show Cake Boss. But Carlo's Bakery in Hoboken, those are the best cookies I've ever had. And there's a line a lot of the time so if you you know something pops off in your little spot that you can run into when you're high and grab some cookies all of a sudden there's like you have to take a number and wait and shit that does suck so i get it but gatekeeping cookies is like some fucking hitler shit that's like that is like as un-american as it gets you know? Yeah, it was just, it was just,

it was just like, just breaking off pieces that got smaller and smaller. Like, as I look at this tweet, it's very clear I was very high. No, I was going to say, it was actually very poetically written. Yeah, because I was high as shit, bro.

I got a cookie this morning and it was the best cookie I've ever had. I've been rationing it all day. My bites have been getting smaller and smaller. Trying to save her as much as I can. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do to keep this cookie from disappearing forever. I'm telling you, that's the art exhibit. Your boy was smoking weed!

It is funny. People like us, people like us who smoke weed so sparingly that when we do, it's like a complete joke how high we are. We're the most stereotypical assholes in the world talking about this disappearing cookie. Bro. My cookie kept disappearing. What was happening? I was eating it. Last night, I was also high, and I went.

So I'm trying to do more cardio, and I was like, I need some sneakers. That will inspire me to do more cardio. So I went to Hoka, you know, H-O-K-A. Sure. I think that's howO-K-A. Sure. I think that's how it's pronounced. Yeah. First of all. That's hot in the streets.

Why don't they just make them nice looking? So a lot of people like them, though. But. They are like the big sneaker this year. They're the big sneaker, I guess. But, like, not this year. They've been popular for a while. Yeah, I should say the most recent. It seems like the sole technology people like.

Why don't you use that sole technology and then just make it not ugly? Make the top cool, yeah. I hate the big Hoka. Yeah, you could just make it nice. But it is funny. I mean, I don't like that look no matter what, but there are Nike shoes that just have N-I-K-E in the same manner, and it's like, oh, that's cool. Yeah, I guess you're right about that.

So I went to Hoka, and I was trying on shoes, and I got a size that was a little bit big, I thought. So I said, hey, can you bring me back to 10 1⁄2? You're not stoned in this part, are you? Yeah. Well, I had just smoked. I bought weed on the way to the store and then i like i smoked a little bit before i walked in and so i had on the 11s and i'm walking around and i'm like these are a little big so i said can i get 10 and a half and the guy brings him back and i'm momentum and he's like he was gonna size him for you and

i was like oh yeah that'd be great like What does that mean? Like, get your size? Yeah. Did you do the thing, like, in the metal thing? Bro, I figured he was going to come, like, dude, I don't know. I'm at a Hoka store. I figured they got some science shit for, like, the perfect running shoe. And he goes, now just slam your heel back like this. And I slam my heel back, and then he comes down.

And touches the top of your toe? And he touches my toe. And I was standing there with my heel up like this. Wait, in the shoe? Yeah, in the shoe. And I was like, does he think I'm a little boy? And then he goes, what we like to have is about half a thumb on the top. And I was like, I know.

I know how to wear shoes. I know how shoes work. I thought you were going to do something like fucking runner expert type shit. New Balance does that. You stand. About half a ton. I know how to wear shoes. God damn it, you son of a bitch.

What the fuck do you think you're talking to? I wear shoes every day, bro. It was nuts. Yeah, because you're right. Like, New Balance has a thing. You, like, stand on it. The thing is, like, a sensor. And it tells you're right. New Balance has the thing. You stand on it. The thing is like a sensor, and it tells you how wide your foot needs to be, your arch and all that.

I thought it was going to be a 3D AI technology. He didn't even have the metal thing? No, dude. It was just your foot in the shoe. You just slam my teal. That's crazy. And I was standing, too. Do you want me to size it for you?

I was just standing like this. You get it? You get this. You get it? You get it? You get it? I was just waiting. And I was like, what's he going to do now? That's about good. Yo, that's nuts.

That's embarrassing. You can't be tickling customers' toes, by the way. You can't be. Do you think I'm a small child? That's very funny going on here they uh they the those old school metal things crack me up too though those are things that like i feel like uh there there is no if you're like measuring your foot and doing this like special shit arches and all that you need all the technology but otherwise that like

that thing never needs to change. You know what I mean? They made that probably in the 1700s, and you still just do it today. You whip that bad boy out. I haven't used one of those in forever. Me neither. Because you just know your size.

But you know what I'll say? This motherfucker over here, for years, we got a pair of shoes together once. Some guy that we knew was a plug of some sort owned a working footlocker whatever it was and he got us a pair of jordans and he got us two ten and a halves and john was like i think you even said like ten and a half or ten and a half's fine and i and he's just an 11 he's just not a ten and a half yeah and so every time there was a chance to like get sneakers or whatever i was always trying to get you ten and a half and you're like oh i'm not a ten and a half yeah and so every time there was a chance to like get sneakers or whatever i was always trying to get you 10 and a half and you're like oh i'm not a 10 and a half but just

that one time you know i'm i think i got that pair i was like oh i don't fit these don't fit i'm 11 that was that was when you learned you were 11 so yeah that's late in life although i will say i was a 10 for a long time and then i had to go to 10 and a half and i was like have i been wearing this wrong, or did my foot get fatter, or what? I don't think it grew, but I think maybe it gets fatter, you need a little more space. But I definitely was, I was always size 10, size 10, size 10.

Dude, it's crazy. I did some shopping this weekend. My family came in town, so me and my brother went shopping a little bit. And like, I mean, I bought some clothes that were mediums. Like, how size is, like engineered garments, I mean, I bought some clothes that were mediums. How size is like engineered garments? I'm a medium. The fashion mafia out here who just makes all the decisions and doesn't even, you know, consider you.

I'm going to run for president in 2020, 2024. And I'm going to that's going to be my entire platform is correct sizing on clothes again. Make clothes normal size again. It makes sense when things are made in different countries. People aren't your size. Sam Talent went over to Tokyo and was trying to shop. He was like, me,

three, four, extra large. No, no, no. We got nothing. I got some. In one day, I bought things that were a medium. And I bought a jacket that was a 48 regular. It's crazy. And it's not a 48 regular.

But the. Wait, what's the 48? The number on your jacket is your arms? Yeah. Yeah, I was going to say 48 would be fucking on your jacket? I'm like a 42. Is your arms? Yeah. Yeah, I was going to say 48 would be fucking huge. I think I'm a 40. 40 regular, I think. Yeah.

48 would be like dancing in those things. That's crazy. While we're talking about measurements and all that shit, did you watch SNL? I did watch SNL. I watched probably the first hour. Did you see the skit Nate doing, like American Revolution with the science? Yes. That was great.

Nate sitting around the fire. Nate sitting around the fire at George Washington. I texted Frankie the next morning. Is Frankie here? We should do Barcelona Radio. No, he's not. I texted Frankie the next morning. Is Frankie here? We should do Barceria. No, he's not. I texted Frankie, how was it?

And Frankie sent me a five-minute voice note. I almost asked you to save that, but it was probably already gone. I did save it. Did you? I'm not going to play it without Frankie's permission.

Is it classic Frankie? No, it's actually, it's incredibly wholesome and nice, but I'm not going to play it unless Frankie... Yeah, yeah. This not going to play it unless Frankie. Yeah, yeah. This is a great skit, though.

Yeah. But the amount, so it's Nate sitting around the fire in the American Revolution talking about why we're going to, like, win our independence, and one of the reasons is that he wants to have our own system of weights and measures, and he talks about why our system of inches and pounds is, like, so insanely idiotic, which I already knew, but when you lay it all out like this. But, man, Nate, dude, Nate is going to take over the world because he's so fucking funny, but being family-friendly,

appealing to all ages, appealing to men and women, being just a genuinely nice dude. I think he's the funniest person alive. Yeah. I'll say that. That's almost like funniest person alive I have as like best friend status. We're like, there's probably five of you. Dan Soder walks in the room. He's the funniest person in the world.

If Nate walks in, he's the funniest person. Nate is 100% tiered as funny's personal life. He, uh... I just think he is going to be... I mean, he's also just, like, such a chill dude that I don't think he wants to be. Like, I could see him being, like, a Lorne Michaels, but also

a performer. You know what I mean? Like, I could just see him building a fucking empire the way he does things. the way i sent that uh i sent that the clip uh that got dm to me oh yeah there's this clip of uh it it's vital break said it best it was like a time warp video it was it looked like it was a 70s porn there is a guy and two girls just sitting on a couch and it's like before things pop off and she's rubbing his leg and like starts rubbing his dick um and it looks really old school

but playing in the background on the tv is a nate vargasi but you see it and but that it's a current it's like a new special the tennessee kit yeah um so i sent that to nate which is always weird like i know nate's like a clean comic but i'm like he's still just like right dude you know I think it's the Tennessee kit. Yeah. So I sent that to Nate, which is always weird. I know Nate's a clean comic, but I'm like, he's still a regular dude. So I can be like, yo, check out this funny clip of your bit in porn, and it's nothing back. It's like, oh, shit, maybe he doesn't like that. But that was hilarious to me.

But what a, to get the nod for SNL, and then it's with Dave Grohl and Foo Fighters. And Christopher Walken, just like, what was that about? Just like a little extra co-host? Yeah, I don't know what he was doing. That is, you know it's funny, SNL gets so much shit, but it still means a lot to people. You know what I mean? i i don't know why like text me like older family members texting like this is the guy you talk about yeah yeah it'll always

three separate family members text me his opening monologue it'll always matter to like older people i don't think any young people watch it but i still think they would know like if you got snl as a job or as as i always say that with shane where i i i i not that i didn't know why shane would do netflix obviously i know why it's money and all that stuff and but like what's in like netflix or yeah it's netflix okay seeing it happen like seeing like oh this is why we're like i had friends text me yo have you heard of this comic i'm like yeah i've heard of this fucking comic dude yeah you've not heard like i've i've i've made you sit down and watch this comic you fucking asshole but only when the netflix algorithm feeds

it to you does it matter huh i don't think we realized even still how much of like comedy dorks we are like because there are people who it's like knowing you know every fucking shane's shane is broken through it's pretty well but even still like i don't know like my if someone hasn't heard shane that's like rh that's a shock to me you know though if you're not like like i got friends who are just like if you don't watch comedy specials and you're not like a podcast guy you know like just old school like i watch sports huh it's like reels and like tiktok yeah like you're just not gonna go at this age at my age yeah you guys but i'm saying like i have i have friends who are like they became like lame dads who i wouldn't you know i got i got the same text being like hey this is like hey, this is a good guy to keep your eye on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This up-and-comer named Shane Gillis. But I think you'd be more surprised than you think. I got guys who are just, you know, they watch what their kids watch, and they watch what their wives watch, and they watch some sports, and that's it, which sucks. That sucks. Yeah, brutal. Watch some sports and like that's it. Which sucks. Yeah. Brutal. But when you get SNL, it's like it doesn't matter who the cast is, what the ratings are at the time. By the way, I think they're kind of in a good moment right now.

I feel like it's not terrible. I haven't seen much outside. I loved like probably four sketches I saw with Nate. Yeah. I thought the cooking was really sketches I saw with Nate. Yeah. I thought the – The baking was great. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Yeah, there were a couple I thought were really funny. But like Che and Jost I think are always funny. Yes. You always have that. There's a new kid Frankie was telling me about that I've heard about as well. He's very young. He's like 25. Marcelo? Yeah, Marcelo Dominguez I think it is or something like that. and he's he's very young he's like 25 and marcello yeah marcello dominguez

i think something like that um so he's funny rosebud's writing for them like there's it's i think it's got a little bit of a stigma from like some of the lower lesser years but i think it's pretty funny right now um what would be great what would be like smart is if they started to get more into the internet. Like, if guys like you and Sass and, like, funnier people who are, like, I mean, it's got to be clean and that's always been the issue. But, like, there are really funny people on the internet that if they were to give those people a shot, it would stay cutting edge. It would stay. I mean, I think that's what they do.

I think Marcelo, I don't know if he's internet, but, like, Marcelo is, like, is a name I know from that kind of shit. Not really. I know he's, like, friends with Sass. That's how I know his name. Yeah. Again, I don't know about friends with Sass. You should just basically hire the out-of-order guys, you know? That's a stretch.

But I had two speaking of for things there. One, speaking of the American Revolution, I went to Liberty Island this weekend. I went to the Statue of Liberty. What a goddamn nightmare that is. It's the worst thing I've ever done in New York City. I mean, the... What would even... I could have told you that.

My family was in town, so my family won. Which is crazy. It's like they came in from... So first of all, we went to a play. We went to Merrily We Roll Along, which was dope, dude. It was so fucking good. I sat in the second row. It was Daniel Radcliffe.

So I watched fucking Harry Potter right there. I was geeking. What is Merrily We Roll Along? It's not Stephen Sondheim. I don't think. It's another... It's a pretty... It's a nice show to watch it's

two people in show business who are their whole lives want to get popular in show business and then it starts in like 70 something when they're already great successes and they're miserable and it just goes back and back and back to for them trying to and it's basically showing where they were happy at separate stages of their life it's a story we all know well it's before you make it and all that stuff but I guess it's maybe

trying to show be more grateful, whatever it is, I don't know it's funny and it's good and all that stuff it's Jonathan Groff who is Mindhunter, he's the, who is Mindhunter. He's the younger guy in Mindhunter. He's also the king in Hamilton. Hell yeah, that guy's awesome. And it's Daniel Radcliffe.

What's his name? Jonathan Groff. G-R-O-F-F. And it's Daniel Radcliffe. So we did that, went over to the Lamb's Club for dinner before. That was fucking delicious. And then the next morning, my mom set up this little thing where we went to Liberty Island and it was the most

American experience I've ever had in my life. In a bad way. Bro, do you know how many times I had to go through TSA security to get to this fucking island? Bro, they give you the full Ellis Island experience too where they hoard you in. If you're not

fucking... On the boats, on the lines, you're not if you're not fucking small right so like dick no i'm talking like on the boats on the lines you're not dick to ass like they're like packing are you comfortable right now pack it tighter pack it tighter they they fucking stuff y'all onto this boat where you're like like i again i imagine it's what people felt when they came over to live out to alice island they're like this isn't even worth it let's just go home this fucking can't be as good as it's supposed to be and then you get to america the statue of liberty and they're like this isn't even worth it let's just go home this fucking can't be as good as it's supposed to be

and then you get to America the Statue of Liberty and you're like I thought it was going to be better and there are a I'm not going to say too many

but a noticeable amount of immigrants here surely a bunch there's there's a lot of foreigners here but it was how tall don't say because you probably know Surely a bunch. There's a lot of foreigners here. How tall, don't say because you probably know,

how tall do you think the Statue of Liberty is? Jackie, you go first. Oh, fuck. Can somebody else go first? Nope, you gotta go first. Are we talking like... We're talking how tall is the Statue of Liberty. Okay. I'm really bad at distance.

It's not really distance now, is it? It's height, but okay. Keep going. 30. Dude, I don't even know. Keep going. 30 what going 30 what 30 30 30 30 000 centimeters 30 million millimeters 30 where were you going on that now you got to finish your thought. Were you going to say 30,000 something? No, I was going to say 30. 30 feet? No, no, no. I was going to say yards.

30 yards. Wait, wait, wait. I'll tell you this much right now. That's not the worst answer. But it's insane to answer yards. How tall is this thing? I was going to tell you right now. 30 yards. I was actually going to say 30 feet, and then I realized that's incredibly small.

Yeah, yeah. You know what? 300 feet. That's probably pretty close. That's probably pretty close. Is that what you're going to guess? Yeah. Do you know the answer?

I don't know the answer. I would say, I'm going to say. No, no, because I took 200 steps up to the platform. So I did 285 steps. We're talking from... No, to the pedestal, to the base of her. That's what I was going to say about the Statue of Liberty. People say it's smaller than you think.

People say that so often that it's a lot bigger than you think now. Yeah. Like, it's... I would bet from torch to base... I'll take the over, maybe 400 feet? I would say over, too. I'll say i'll take the over maybe 400 feet i'll say over two i'll say 500 305 305 nailed it jack good for you um 30 i thought oh wait no 151 feet tall never mind oh wait well no the pedestal yeah yeah so the pedestal so the statue that's crazy the pedestal and the statue the same height yeah i would not have guessed that me neither even having been

there at the base of it i would not have guessed that but so the green part let's call it if you will 150 feet tall is it would be super dope but that's like a 15 story building that's pretty yeah it yeah yeah but i i i feel like you know like the uh if it was like the the the big skyscraper is like a thousand feet you know what i mean if that if it was like if it's one of those sons of bitches but i guess you know it's real old and shit so you can't expect it to be that big but i think it would be dope if like you were you sail in from wherever it's like this fucking massive, you know. The, after the Statue of Liberty, I went out.

Had just like almost like a perfect night out. Saturday night. We was just like, watched some sports. Played some darts. Had a few beers. Home by midnight. But went out with Trent, Nate, Joey, Pat, a few of Pat's friends. And one thing that happened while we were out was Matthew Perry died.

And then, like, before we all finished telling everybody, someone was checking their phone, one minute man's up. And I started thinking, how happy do you get when celebrities die no let's be honest with each other here it did three and a half million views no no dude i remember when k marker used to get so happy when a porn star died like you have to fucking eat it you're like yes yes fucking do not put that on me do not put that on my jacket yeah i'm not saying you're out there killing them i'm just saying once it happens you're like yeah buddy somebody was like you know like what's the point of this video and And I was like, to tell people he died. Like, I don't know,

man. I saw like, like probably like within 24 hours, like there's a party that was jacked up. No, no, no, no, truly.

I don't get excited, but I am like, I gotta go to work right now. You are like, I'm like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna make a video. Someone who reports the news.

You don't think, you don't think that someone on a fucking news desk on nine 11 was like, we're gonna get to work right now. You are. I'm like, I'm going to make a video. It's just someone who reports the news. You don't think someone on a fucking news desk on 9-11 was like, I'm going to get a lot of eyeballs on this one. Oh, man. Some dark shit. I'm not saying, again, it's just human nature where you're like, this is a big part of the job right now. Dude, that, did you see?

You probably didn't see this. The first – I tried to use Instagram's green screen feature, which for some reason is like ancient compared to the other ones. And the first thing it did when I published it, it made his eyes – his eyeballs became like rainbow color. And I don't have the fucking regular one now it yeah look okay so this is this is a video for you know a fucking eulogy or whatever if you well you gotta watch it right away his his his uh watch his eyeballs like immediate like normal every fucking, every slide after that did it. Why'd you do that to his eyes?

And I was like, yeah, yeah, I went into Photoshop and they turned Matthew Perry's eyeballs into rainbows on purpose. You fucking assholes. But, you know, that one, that sucked. Yeah. That sucked. I actually, I had a tweet I almost almost sent but i didn't because people would take it the wrong way what kevin loves when people die no no no no no this is about me the uh where i was just like i loved mr sunshine what does that mean just show we had it got

canceled after one season no one liked it i liked it i probably watched more mr sunshine than i watched friends oh oh i didn't know i didn't know it was a a or he was in it he was in it I liked it. I probably watched more Mr. Sunshine than I watched Friends. Oh, oh. I didn't know it was a – or he was in it. He was in it. It was a show on ABC. He did one season. Mr. Sunshine.

Yeah. Slightly ringing a bell. He plays like a PR guy, I think, or something like that. I don't know. Maybe he's like a meteorologist. I forget. But what's he playing? Maybe – say it again. Maybe he's a PR. Maybe PR. Maybe a meteorologist. He but let's see maybe maybe say it again maybe he's a pr maybe maybe a meteorologist the answer is the manager of a second rate sports arena same thing

look i said meteorologist and the answer is i manage a shitty arena. I said I liked it. I said I saw more than Friends. I don't – I guess I do actively not watch Friends. What I've seen, I never had a problem with. But I don't think I've ever put on an episode of Friends. Obviously, I've come across it in my travels on television. And I don't dislike it. It's just like I don't – for some reason, I never sat down to watch it. But I did used to sit down to watch.

I was young. I was probably living at home still so i guess i was in my teens yeah 2011 yeah um and so i i vaguely remember this because he turned 40 and like changed the way he lived or whatever but like here here's the thing here's what is is crazy about television and and particularly back then and i get that that matthew perry was a big deal in sitcoms so trying to recapture that but like if you are an executive or if you're a writer coming up with this if you're an executive who decides to green light it producer who decides to bankroll these things. And I came to you with the premise, Ben Donovan is the operations manager for the Sunshine Center,

a second tier arena in San Diego who has to deal with the unusual demands of his job and his unpredictable boss. In what world are people like, that's the one. Wouldn't you say Matthew Perry's in it? I, yeah, I guess so. But wouldn't it the one wouldn't you say matthew perry's in it i yeah i guess so but wouldn't it even wouldn't it be like like save matthew perry for also a good script that's all right not even a script just a better idea but just every idea like every in television and it just nothing sounds good you can boil it down yeah but like but there are you

know a show like lost where it's like there's a plane crash uh and there's all the survivors on the island and weird stuff starts to happen where you might they might be real they might be dead it might be fake like that that's like the boiled down version of that where it's like that still sounds interesting just i i work in a sports arena and like my my job might be hard and people are like. But guess what? You can explain the office in Parks and Rec exactly like that. True.

True. Like exactly like that. Yeah. Second rate. Right. Right. Right. I guess so. Paper company, second rate.

Parks and Rec. Yeah. Small town. True. True. True. Okay. I guess that makes sense.

But that, dude, that dying in a jacuzzi is – that stinks. Kind of nice. I'm not saying – that actually is a stolen joke in a sense one of my favorite bits of Rosebud is how she talks about how her sister died in a jacuzzi and she's like it sucks having to explain to people because they're always like whoa you get a jacuzzi she's the goat man

she's funny as shit I think she goes on to be like it's like telling someone they die in a boating accident on a yacht things are going pretty good shout out to her she finally had her baby after like a 20 month pregnancy um no final answer no i don't like when celebrities die that's a good pr answer i i saw speak uh speaking of pr dude one minute man this weekend uh kim kardashian uh putting out the nipple bra did oh oh by the way i'm gonna buy so many skims i i bet skims are unbelievable for men yeah yeah yeah no you want to do it together

i've always been a little bit like it's just underwear right yeah yeah well but so they have like the boxers that will go up to like here oh i don't want that i just want regular i want to start wearing uh i'm sure they make just regular boxer briefs like i want that like is that like long sleeve shirt underwear like i want to put on like a onesie that just like makes my whole body look better than it is I just want the regular underwear Dante's sitting over here

jerking off to these pictures I'm still in a fucking I'm just still I'm going to do it right now I will give it a try but I bet you these are more of the same thing we always talk about where it's like it's going to be fucking Under Armour type moisture wicking performance enhanced and look there's not

gonna be a fly I can already tell you that there's no fly and it's gonna be like the pouch they just overthink underwear man I hate it I hate it Calvin Klein go back to your go back to your boxer briefs that you had a few years ago. Everybody else, you don't need to overdo it. But then I walk around looking like a poor person because I'm wearing Hanes underwear. But it's the only thing that fits my fat ass and my junk. And so I got to buy cheap poor people shit. But I don't want to talk down on the Queen, Kim.

But I don't think these are going to fit you well. You don't think so? I don't know. I never know about you. I'm trying to process my face right now. Double kick to pay. Bam. Your boy's got six new pairs of skims coming his way.

What do we think six new pairs of skims are? Would that run? I'm going to say that is $200. No, it's actually pretty reasonable, $100. Oh, wow. I thought it was going to be like $20 or $30 each. $100, $0.17. For how many? Six pairs. $100, $0.17. For how many?

Six pairs. Two three-packs. Wow. Oh, wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that makes more sense. Kim Kardashian's the nipple bra. First of all, unbelievable.

It's brilliant. She's going to make so much money off that. But what's funny is there is no other reason other than horniness. Like other things, it's like even like buy this thong, like you won't see your underwear lines, or like this bra fits strapless dresses, like there's functionality. The nipples is just like dudes like when you have hard nipples. Like it's a little bit weird, but like Jennifer Aniston,

speaking of friends, Jennifer Aniston had hard nipples. Like it's a little bit weird, but like Jennifer Aniston, speaking of friends, Jennifer Aniston had hard nipples. Everybody loved it. Let's do that all the time. There's really no other explanation other than like boys will like you. I mean, but you got those with guys. I got my good dick boxers. So I was thinking, why don't we come up with the gray sweatpants equivalent of skims?

Well, I bought a pair yesterday. With a built-in dick bulge? I bought a pair of gay underwear yesterday, yeah. Go on. I just bought it at a gay store. Proceed. And it's got like a... The cock sock?

Yeah. I've pulled my whole dick and balls into a different piece. Like I said, I'm a scientist. I'm trying to find a good pair of underwear. I can't find any. It's hard out here, bro. But what you see is still naturally your dick, right? Yes.

See, these are like built-in nipples that, like, you know, you could put them on someone with no nipples at all. No, but this is like a push-up bra for my dick. Really, I just bought it. I just bought it so I could just have some, like, organization in my life. And just, like, so everything's not getting all fucking mashed up all the time. I was just at a gay store for a different reason. What is a gay store? Like a sex shop? It's a gay store for a different reason. What is a gay store?

Like a sex shop? It's a sex store. Okay. And I actually sent the picture to the booze ponies. It was like yesterday morning at like 11 a.m. And I sent this picture to the booze ponies. I was like, don't worry about where I am. But doesn't that look like a booze ponies you need?

There's leather whips and chains and shit what is it saying there sail block don't worry don't ask questions um but uh that's fucking great the uh yeah i saw a pair on the pants and i was like excuse me what's the deal with these? It's amazing. You put your penis in here. See, I feel like that. I get the logic, but I feel like it's too much. Then I feel like you're, it's like almost cutting into your tube, like the tube underneath. I have not worn them. I will wear them.

It's like too much separation. But hey, the guy needs organization in his life. Let him organize his dick and balls how he wants to do it that pair underwear costs three pairs of skims so yeah true true i uh i i think they've just you know tried to reinvent the wheel with with underwear here what if i what if you just started wearing tighty whities i think i'm gonna get a pair i'm gonna get the skims tighty whiteys just for shits and giggles i think if you saw me in like just straight up briefs no is that what they're called briefs yes that would be so goddamn funny the old man briefs is is just it just cracks me the

fuck up um but anyway i brought this all up because Kim K, in like a 12-hour overnight period on the Barstool account, did like 7.7 million views. And then the Taylor Swift one I did last night did like 4 million overnight. And I just want to put this out there to any and all people as a blanket statement to all the people telling me nobody cares and stop. I'm not gonna stop. These two women. So quit asking.

These two women, specifically Taylor though, are fucking cheat codes. And you can tell me you don't want to see it and you don't like it and you don't care. But you can't tell me nobody cares. Because the vast majority of the internet appears to disagree with you.

So fuck off. I'm still going to do all the Taylor Swift videos I fucking want. This girl, Pia Malihi, she's got to get fired. I'm not calling for her head, but she's got to. That is a... No matter how you cut it. So she reposted a picture with Taylor with a clown face over it? So her friend reposted Us Weekly.

The Us Weekly post said, this is our Roman Empire with a picture of Taylor Swift. We think about her all the time. Her friend reposted that post but put the clown face over Taylor and said, our Roman Empire, happy birthday. So they were shouting out because she was in the background of that. So that was a birthday post for travis kelsey's pr girl but in that birthday post she put a clown face over taylor and the pr girl pia reposted it on her account which by the way i think has like like single digit thousands followers which is i don't know i just thought it would have been more um so either you first of all maybe i've been like talking shit about taylor swift and telling your friends

the ins and outs and they're like oh this fucking girl's a clown yeah this girl's a bitch whatever and it was like not i don't want to say malicious because what we're talking about isn't that big of a deal but it was like intentional and then you reposted it to show people and be like yeah um or you she was like the girl was like oh no i just picked like the clown emoji to cover her face like so and you're so either you're lying either you did it intentionally you're lying about what you think the clown means or you are like so stupid you don't get that the clown is which is that that's That's a non-starter. That one's not the case. So, like, as a PR person,

like, if my mom did that or something, you didn't think that the fucking clown meant that, but you're in PR representing one of the biggest athletes in the world trying to navigate the most, you know, talked-about relationship in the world, and this is what you do? So, one way, this way, that way,

one, two, or three, you're out. You got to go. It is. Because you know what? You know what? There had to be a phone call to Travis of her being like, get rid of this bitch. I'm sure there's been some talk about her. Some like, you're a person meets my person or a camp's talk, you know, whatever.

I'm sure Taylor Swift's like, fuck this peach. Who is this girl? She likes to hang around a little too much. She's a little too nice to you. I told sure Taylor. So it's like, fuck this piece. Who is this girl? She likes to hang around a little too much. She's a little too nice to you. I told you she was, told you she was trouble. Get rid of her. And I feel like if you're Travis Kelsey,

you'd have to be like, yes, ma'am. Yeah. Yes, ma'am. Um, but that,

I mean, trying to, the girl was like, I love Taylor. It was just like, uh, like, uh,

we thought it was like a funny thing to do. Bro, absolutely not. That's like if you posted the eggplant and you were like, I didn't know I meant dick. It's like that's the only thing people do with it. Make fun of you for being a clown. There's never been a positive clown emoji use ever, unless you're talking about the clown community.

It just doesn't fucking happen. So that bitch has got to go. Do you think that he's the only guy in the NFL to be dating somebody who makes more money than him? Well, Tom did it with Giselle for a while. But yes, outside of... I mean, I

would imagine almost every single athlete relationship the guy in sports is the – Yeah. Gisele. It was so funny when it happened with Gisele and Brady where they'd be like, well, this is why Tom can take less money because he's married to Gisele.

It's like, I guess, but also like everyone else is making $40 million a year. They have enough saved up that they can take less money too. Totally. People were like, the NFL's got to step in. You can't be dating Gisele Bundchen. As if everyone else is making 50 grand a year and Tom Brady gets Gisele's money.

You're making $40-50 million a year on your own too. You can also take less money. That was always so blown out of proportion just because it's so weird and unique that that's the case. Maybe before Russell Wilson's new contract, Ciara might have made more. Probably not, though.

That could be a good one. I don't know what his contract was before with Seattle. Non de Asamoah and Kerry Washington maybe at one point. Oh, yeah. That was a weird one. I think he got the bag eventually, but there was probably a time when he wasn't. I forgot about that.

There might be a couple sneaky ones out there. That's funny. I will say this about Travis Kelsey, man. You know, maybe it turns out to be a PR thing. Maybe not. Whatever. I think he is maybe like the best celebrity boyfriend we've ever seen. Yeah.

Who like, who has their own star. Who has their own shine. You know? And I feel like it's a very good thing that, like, I mean, it might be a little bit, like, puke sometimes where you just, like, don't like people flaunting relationships in your face, whether they're famous or not. No, you know, the schmoopy schmoopy stuff. Yeah, yeah.

That's always been, like, ugh, we don't like that. But, like, especially in football, especially when it comes to famous guys certainly in like rap music and entertainment and stuff like that is like not cool to like to like your girl yeah to be nice to her and he listens to all her music you know dances to it publicly like openly has these clips of him like you know drooling over her uh talks about how he like loves her music wants to go on tour with her. Holds her hand. Opens the door.

Does PDA in public. Lets you post on Instagram. He is the gold star for that. It's not cool to be a dick to your girl. You know what I mean? Or to hide her. Or not be proud of her. And the fact that he's like,

Now granted it's fucking... She's awesome. And it's not like he's doing her a favor or anything but you know it's like it's a good it's a good example so i saw like a picture of him carrying her purse and people like swifties were like finally it was a viral tweet it was like finally she's dating a man because he was not afraid to hold her purse yeah and I was like if that's the bar dude I bet you'd be surprised bro I love

carrying a purse I carried one the other day I did it like this like Alexis from fuck you you put it in there yeah

I I agree with you but I think you'd be surprised man I think you'd still go some parts of the country where it'd be like I ain't't carrying no person, no woman. I saw that they were like, someone was like, and this is what she used to date.

And she was at lunch with Joe. And Joe was in the booth and she was in the chair. I didn't know that was a thing. I think I usually sit in the chair because I prefer the chair. I'm too big for that. But I never thought. Wait, so the man should be in the chair? This is according to a single Swifty tweet. I prefer the chair. I'm too big for that. But I never thought. Wait, so the man should be in the chair? This is according to a single Swifty tweet.

I don't know. Is that a thing, Jackie? Yes. But like. Is there a reason behind it? Wait, what is the rule again? Men go where? Well, it's just supposed to be like you have like the girl gets the better view,

which is. Oh, okay. I do that. Whatever. But I also feel like some guys are like I don't want my back to the door. I hear those guys. Those fucking guys act like they're

fucking Jason Bourne. I need to have sight lines to all the exits and I gotta be ready to take down any sort of, you know. Dude, you're a communications major. Chill out. Fucking relax, dude. I think when I, if I was on a date, I would go, I say you pick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'll do whichever. But I would prefer the chair. I like the chair. Unless the chair sucks for some reason. I do do exactly that, though. man thing where i i sleep for like for my apartment or in a hotel or you know wherever we are i sleep closest to the door i don't know why i don't make a constitution it just always happens i think i just always sleep on the left and it's it's that is to protect but like you're in your mind you think about that no no no but that's like that's just like how it is interesting and like if you think about it realistically all i'm doing like i'm

making her watch me get murdered first yeah it's not gonna stop i'm not gonna stop anything but like you're just like you would probably it's probably better for you if you don't want unless you want to see me die but like it's probably quicker for you. You should sleep by the door. How hilarious would it be if you were in a situation where your girlfriend got massacred and it allowed you to escape in time? And everyone's like, how did you make it out alive? And you're like, well, she was sleeping. She put up a hell of a fight.

She was sleeping close to the door. She set a really good pick. She did a good job. She was not going down easy, did she? I was tying together the bed sheets, throwing it out, rappelling down the rope. Do you guys ever think about the sidewalk thing? No. You know what?

The other day, we were about to pass a homeless like basically a homeless guy who was kind of like yelling and being like erratic and i moved you know so that i was on that side but that might have actually been the opposite but the whole like car splash and car wreck thing is like so far yeah yeah also you know i i believe in equality it's I don't know. Women can walk on whatever fucking sidewalk they want to walk on. I do believe in laying my jacket down in a puddle. Yeah, totally. Totally. I'll carry you across all those puddles.

I get a kick out of some of the things that the women of the internet stick to, despite the same people who are feminists will also be like, it really matters if you walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk i i think doing uh it's not chivalrous because like chivalry is not chivalry uh like i just think that's polite to walk on the other side of the sidewalk i just think like i i have some old-fashioned sense to me i don't go out of my way to do it, but, like, if it crosses my mind. I know it's a thing on, like, the internet.

It's like, she might be thinking about that, so I'll fucking do it. I don't even think about it as that. I just think about, like, I guess... It could happen. Like, if it could happen,

I guess might as well. I could probably take a hit easier. Dude, again, I would love a scenario where, like, a bus just whacks two people together and it's like, didn't matter. Didn't matter. It's probably not going to be a deadly crash where one person gets picked off and the other one's perfectly fine.

Did you see the Brandon Walker, Jerry? I might do that on the radio. Where were we? Why did this all come about? Travis Kelsey. Anyway, yeah, you know. It's cool to be nice to your girlfriend. Today's voicemails are brought to you by Pirate Water.

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Right on cue. Pirate Water. All right. KFC fights the rest of the gang. Just wanted to videotape the first sip of my buddy drinking his first Pirate Water. Miami Vice is the only Pirate Water that we get in Vermont, so this is all we got. I want to try the other flavors, but this one is my favorite because it's the only one we have. Three, two, one.

One sip. Everybody knows the rules. Oh, that is a four loco. I'm looking at it. That is a four loco. That is a four loco. I will say, in all transparency, I remember thinking, I was like, Pyrewater, I don't know about this. What is this?

I don't know if it's going to be for any, you know, maybe for the 21-year-olds. And everybody, to a man and woman who I've seen drink it. I'll go, oh, that's pretty good. Yeah. You know how you wish you could drink Ecto Cooler still? Yeah. Yes. You can drink Four Locos still. Yes.

Yes. I think sometimes people get a little turned off by, it's like, oh, is that too much for me? And it's like, no, you can do it. You've done it before and you can do it again. Trust me. So that is a four low count. All right, next up. Hey, guys.

So I've been wanting to record this for a while, but I just keep forgetting. But you brought it up again, so you forced my hand at this point. I'm dying to know if I've lived in fights investment property in noonan georgia um was it the promenade at noonan crossing because i moved in there about four years ago right after i moved there for work and i was pitched atlanta and it was really noonan and there was this new complex being built I was like the fourth

resident there I had to wait for the apartment to be finished before I could move in anyhow I feel like the timeline matches up and I'm just dying to know if that's it and love that you don't even know it also I only lasted a year because noon in um and then i moved back but they never gave my security deposit back so i don't know what kind of establishment you're running over there he's just pocketing security deposits over here person i am clean i'm organized there's absolutely no reason for that they just straight up stole from me so we have some beef and i I moved like literally one week. So I never check anything. I get emails from this.

I never look at them. I never do anything, whatever. I just went to find the name of this place so I could just see if it was at the promenade. It is not. It's the Forest Glen. This is so much nicer than what it was. I better be making a ton of money on this. There's the before and after at the bottom,

and then scroll. I mean, it's just way nicer than my apartment. Oh, my God. Dude. There's like a playground and all that shit. It's a nice-ass apartment complex. I've been underselling the Forest Glen in Newton. Dude, there's probably some people at Forest Glen who are like, well, that guy and his podcast shut the fuck up.

It is. Yeah, it's like this is nice new appliances, nice white kitchen. Yeah, dude, it's a pretty-ass place. Parquet floors. That's a fancy shower. It was definitely a little shanty when we bought it. This is definitely way nicer than where you currently live and what you currently do. Yeah, way, way better.

If you were to move to Noonan, it would be an upgrade. It would be an upgrade from maybe 45 minutes from the airport. Unfortunately, you did not live there. I did not. Liz. That would be very funny. The people who live there right now are very lucky. I did not. Liz. That would be very funny. But the people who live there right now are very lucky. Apparently, yeah.

I actually also have not looked in at all about the one in South Carolina. I don't know anything about that. Now, what exactly was the deal? Were you supposed to, like, earn money on, like, rent? Yeah. Yeah. I get, like, a couple hundred bucks a month. So you're, like, the landlord, basically.

Yeah. I wasn't sure if it was, like, this is a real estate investment, like a REIT, and like we're going to put money and it's going to earn like interest. But this is like straight up I own it and you pay rent so I get a piece of it. Yes. Got it. Bro, I'm such a sucker too. A guy was explaining to me. He's like, look, it's all about passive income, baby.

I'm like, you're fucking telling me, dude. The only kind of passive income is the income that john passes on i don't need that he's like he's like you know people talk about retiring you gotta have a nest that you know you don't you just have to have your basic expenses covered if you have passive income that covers your basic expenses you can retire whenever you want and i was like you're making a lot of sense sold and now it turns out it's like it's literally like i think it's like 400 bucks a month i mean listen there's probably someone in Georgia who can live on that, but it ain't you, man.

Bro, the talking finances thing, it hasn't happened yet, but I'm pretty sure my account's firing me. You're just in line with your buddy. Yeah, I told you i've been ducking her yeah she finally caught up to me and she's like you gotta sign that thing we emailed and to be fair to me i which is what we like to do here did not did not open the emails so but like they weren't from her so it was just like it was like auto docu sign yes the sender yes and i was like i don't have to sign anything i'm not expecting anything so i just got it ignored just like it was like auto docu sign yes the sender yes and i was like i don't have

to sign anything i'm not expecting anything so i just got it ignored it ignored it yes yeah and and obviously my phone's always in sleep mode so people can't call me and i don't check my voice i am intentionally unattainable to contact yeah it's not easy for anyone to get in touch with me yeah that's why it is called walling yourself off from the world and uh it's been going pretty well and it's been going well it's been working it's been doing the desired objective so i'm gonna keep doing it but some people who need to get in touch with me find it difficult and uh i was like oh oh sorry sorry i'll go sign that right now and she's like okay and then she got like very serious and then and then I think it's time

you and I have a talk and I was like oh yeah yeah definitely I'll just sign it I'll sign it right now and I signed it and I haven't heard back from her but I have a feeling

wait what is this signing though what is it like it's just my taxes like like signing off that you also by the way the crazy thing is

it's for me to get money it's to give me money it's not like I don't owe them anything thing is it's for me to get money. It's to give me money. It's not like I don't owe them anything. It's for me to get some of my money. You and I should have a talk. It's tough. Is she like a family friend?

Not really. She's my aunt's accountant. Okay. So you think that she's been doing you a favor kind of thing and she's like, I don't want to do this anymore? I think so. But I have very easy taxes. Yeah, single, no dependents. Like, I pay I pay her

like thousands of dollars to do my taxes. Like, she shouldn't want to get rid of me. Why do you pay her thousands of dollars? I don't know. They just call me and they're like, How much do you pay her? Like dollars? I don't know. They just call me and they're like, How much do you pay her? I pay two grand twice a year. $2,500 twice a year. I was about to say,

you know, I paid my guy $600, but also, he missed $120,000 in taxes. So maybe that's why. He charged $600. I don't know what I pay the new guys. Probably a lot.

Bro, next year's tax is going to be so scary. I just want to go back to being broke. It's a new year. My favorite story is my buddy getting fired by his accountant. Yeah, and you're going to be one of them. It seems like I might get to share that soon. Can you try to film that? Put your phone

in your pocket and just like record it i just want to hear her being like things are not working out i i but here's the thing you have to have a talk i'm gonna be like yeah no i agree like dude dumping me is pretty easy i'm like all right cool i i get what you're coming from yeah like it like i don't whatever your issues with me i completely understand yeah like Yeah. I'm not ignorant or naive to my issues. Yeah, no, you're right. It's pretty difficult to have a client you can't get in touch with. I get that. I'm sure that's stressful.

I'll see you later. That was like a member at Deloitte when they were like, you know, this is not really working out. I was like, you're telling me. I get it. I absolutely get it. I'm not going to change, but I get that you don't want this in your life yes yes exactly i would fire me too if i could all right last one i'm watching you guys on youtube right now and the kid just called in about um the video voicemail about the teacher that would drink

a six pack of mountain dew every day um i had a college professor who used to frequent Burger King, and her regular order was a fish sandwich and whole milk that she used to eat together. She used to wash the sandwich down with the milk. But what made me think of her was the fact that she also drank Diet Dr. Pepper throughout the day. She was an icon but i've been meaning to ask this question to you guys anyways what is your like favorite weird food combination um that's like not traditional but like it works i had an old an oldie but a goodie last night shout out out to the Garbage Boys, Kevin and Foley. I had some raviolis with red sauce and meat sauce and a big old glass of milk.

Really? I loved that combo. Like at dinner or just home? Home. Come on. Come on. I'm way trash, but I'm not that way trash. But I will have an ice cold glass of milk with like spaghetti and meatballs all day, every day,

baby. I can, I can see that working. That's like if it's very childish, but like, I can see it like, dude, milk's the best.

Milk is very, milk is fire. Ice cold milk. It's like better than water, but it's not like, I've said this before that with the, the new age fucking vegan types. I know it's cliche,

but I think that is genuinely what they are. Uh, like when they're not doing dairy and stuff like that. The argument is that we're the only mammal who drinks another mammal's milk. Yeah. Well, we're the only mammal who do a lot of things. Awesome things. And those are the good things.

Yeah. We're the only mammal who goes skydiving. Yeah. It's fucking tight, bro. That's not the argument you think. We're the only mammal who fucking makes cars. We're the only mammals who fucking do drugs and party and all sorts of cool shit. I don't know, man.

If that's where you're drawing the line, I'm going to do a lot of shit that other mammals don't do. I was going to say, I'll be with those guys. I'll be with the guys doing more shit. Something you just said kind of got me, if I could be sexist for a second. If you're a woman, what do you do when you eat fast food? And I don't even mean that in a nutrients, fat content type of way. I just think women are above fast food. You know, you're putting the pussy on a pedestal, John.

I think goddesses should eat grapes fed to them from men standing there, and that's it. I don't think ladies should be eating fast food. You think Jackie's too good for fast food? I think Jackie falls in a gray area. If you're an adult woman, like you're a teacher, you got a job and shit like that, you can't be eating fast food. You don't think that i'm above fast food she sounded not happy on that one jackie you're in meat sweatshirts 90 percent of time that's like a fast food person's clientele you have to stop wearing

the what cracks me up about about fast food with chicks is ordinarily i feel like when when you're getting fast food when you're a little bit older it's like you're high or it's a late night drunk thing and it's like i had two big macs like a fucking six piece and nuggets whatever like and then like but girls girls like fast food i. I think fast food is similar to like sex and sports where it's like girls like those things too, but like not like this, you know? And girls will be like, oh, I need McDonald's. I'm like so hungover. And they'll get like one hamburger and like a small fry and like a little Diet Coke. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not, you know, we're going like 40 McNuggets on this one sort of shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like no no no that's not you know we're we're going like 40 mcnuggets on this one sort of shit you know what i mean yeah it's like it's like a half measure it's fast food and it's shitty but it's also still like i'll just have the chicken sandwich why are you even doing this shit ladies ladies if you're eating fast food get you a man with a job who treats you the way you deserve to be treated you can't be a was fast food on that list of that that woman put out where you can't go? Yes. Any fast food chain.

She knows what she's talking about. By the way, that lady was 100% right. There wasn't a single place on that list. Bro, you can't go out for drinks for a date. That's what dates are. By the way, the real answer to that is exactly that. Going out for a drink,

whether you're drinking alcohol or not. See, like, it's the right amount of time. It's the right amount of money. It's the right, like, you can engage enough. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And then there's no, you don't have to eat, which is a good thing because, like, things can get messy. Your stomach can get fucked up.

It can get expensive. It's hard to talk while you're eating. Like, everything just points to like go out sip a drink get to know the person that's a date bro that is the only date in my mind the only thing i would do for a first date is that truly like even the other fun stuff like i'll take you bowling i'll take you to a sporting event we will do a nice dinner that's like when we are official and we are dating yeah if we are still in like the courting process it's like meet me out at this bar maybe you get an

appetizer or something but we are sitting at the bar or whatever yeah we're just hanging out and happens to be you know and in order to do that you have to have a drink in front of you whether it's a fucking pepsi or a you know a pyre water but uh but she that list like putting putting like cheesecake factory on the same level as some of those other restaurants was that was not for shame for sure but you can't take a cheesecake factory first date again maybe in sucking idaho but like i i personally wouldn't do it you can't go to chain any chain restaurant you can't go for a first date. That's not true, though. Because if you go to some of those steakhouses, it's totally fine. I think those are trash.

They're not, though. They're not, but they are. If you took someone to a Ruth's Chris or Morton's Steakhouse or something like that, that's totally acceptable. It's acceptable. You can get a $200 steak at those places. I get where you're like you're not even doing any effort. I feel where you're like, you're not even like doing any effort. I feel like with those restaurants, those are like places you go to be seen.

Like, I want to see fancy. Just like, just take it to a regular, take anyone to a regular restaurant. But this is still what we're talking about, a fucking first date. Yeah, it's a regular restaurant. So it's like, maybe, yeah, maybe we will go to like my favorite Italian restaurant, like hole in the wall. But like first, I don't know. We're going to go get a fucking regular meal, see what's up with you.

Dude, have I ever said that? We're going to have to take you to the fucking best place in the world right off the rip. Have I ever said that on this show? I saw a tweet once that was so, like, oof, you got me pegged. Where it's, like, his first date restaurant is just his ex-girlfriend's favorite restaurant. I'm like, yeah, bro. I just take you, like, my ex-girlfriend found a restaurant. I'm like, yeah, bro. I just take you like, my ex-girlfriend found a good restaurant.

I liked it. I'm going to pretend I discovered this place. 100%, which is so fucked up because the chances of running into each other and all that shit. I still take places to people to my like three exes ago favorite restaurant. Dude, all that shit.

Espresso martinis, you think I started drinking those myself? Hell no. I got all of my social life. Crave fish bar, dude. There are many a lady I've taken to crave fish bar. You can thank someone else for that. You can thank the girl who dumped me and made me cry for that.

Dude, totally. I mean, I remember even like foods that I – They got a lobster curry there that will knock your sock off. I started eating goat cheese because I was on a date and a girl was like, let's get a cheese plate. And I was, you know, full of white trash. And I was like, all right, I'm going to have to pretend that I know what I'm eating i was you know full white trash and i was like all right i'm gonna have to pretend that i know what i'm eating here you know and i started eating that

i was like this is fucking this is like cream cheese this is amazing did you know this when you were in this is fucking great sipping wines and shit that i don't know anything about like this is this is off the hook i just have a list in my phone of restaurants women have taken me to. This is where I take other women. But wait, so when does the woman take you? What? When does the woman take you and you take the woman? Because if a woman takes you and then you break up

and then you go with a new woman and you take them, when do they start? You know what I mean? That's once you start dating. Then they start. So you pick like the first date. I pick like the first one. Got it. It's just somewhere another woman has taken me.

But when it first started, you had to have your origin story like when you were a kid. Let's see. The top of the list is i don't even know if i've ever been to this place so i don't know the clam at the top k marco took me there yeah there you go there you go that's so good that's so fucking good i love that i can picture you just went with the homies for one meal and then the rest is Domino's and chicks. I'm just culturally appropriating restaurants that girls I've slept with like to go to. Which, again, is so like – if they still – I think it's – I don't think this is – we're joking about it.

I don't think it's weird. It's just a restaurant, a list of nice restaurants. But it is like – it's like – I forget what I was going to say. I mean, there is still a decently high chance of, like, if they still live there and stuff, and it's, like, their spot, and then you're bringing your new girl. I don't have anyone who, like, if something meant something to them, like, that's your, you get that.

But if this was just a restaurant, you're like, hey, I found this new place. Yeah. Go on the list. It's like, you know, the table to sit at, you know what to order. They've got this as the special. And that lobster curry over at Craves called me. I love it.

All right. That's it for today. Oh, wait, Jackie, what were you for Halloween? Uh, it,

I, I don't know. It like, it was, I was, I was originally going to do a Britney Spears I had a jean skirt

and jean top and I was going to do a Britney Spears thing but then it didn't end up looking as good so then I just did jean shorts oh yeah wait a minute we gotta talk about that we gotta talk about that it was an artsy photo that was not artsy that was closer to It was an artsy photo. That was not artsy.

That was closer to fartsy than artsy. God damn. Dude, that was like, all my friends were like, that's artistic. Whoa. All your friends were lying. That was one of those things where like, when I see, I'm scrolling Instagram and I see someone who I know put up something, I just like it. I'm just pumping everyone's numbers.

Yeah. And I double-tap Jackie's and then I start the carousel. I was like, oh, god damn it. It's funny to have that in a carousel too, though, because it's like – because you know how it – the second time through it would be the second picture, third picture. Oh, fuck. You might miss that ass.

Wait, what is it? if you post like let's say there's ten carousels yeah you go through your feed the first time it's the first picture the second time it's the second picture

the third time it's the third picture people get on their feed multiple times? yeah yeah or if you go back and you

yeah and I also think if you like if something's like going you know in the algorithm or the fucking I should have tucked it in a little farther in the carousel so it's not like as jarring

I mean what what did you just zoom in on your ass well so the cropped it or someone zoomed in on other photos were like um like just we obviously zoomed out and my friend zoomed in been like this kind of cool artsy photo I guess that's one way to describe it describe it i'm looking at like summer

ray's fucking instagram that's cool i have to start blocking you guys i keep forgetting that you guys follow me i'm just gonna unf follow me. I'm just going to unfollow you. Yeah, would you prefer if we unfollow you? I think so. Okay. I think I'd prefer it. Here's the deal. Here's the deal, Jackie. I'm going to unfollow you with the promise that you can do whatever you want on your Instagram,

but you also promote more. Things you do. Promote. Like when you do things you do. Oh, promote. Like, like when you're like, when you do things. Yeah. I think I've given up on,

on. With social media. Yeah. Okay. That's great. So seeing that this is a one-sided deal, hell of a negotiator. Yeah.

She just said no. She said no. That's not true. I shouldn't, I shouldn't do that. Okay. I will. Okay.

Unfollowed. Okay. That, that was so, that was like a, that was like a. I shouldn't do that. Okay, I will. Fine. Okay. Unfollowed. Done. That was so... That was like a... Wait, but I also like it like... If you guys follow me and people can see that you... I will mute you. How about that?

Yes. Can you guys mute me? I got to follow you again. Okay. I'm going to mute your posts and your stories. What are notes? Like a DM? I don't know.

I'll leave that. Yeah, that's probably best for everybody involved there that was so funny you basically said that like it was a deal but it was also coming from a place of like wisdom and like i think you should do this and jackie went um i'm not gonna do that no no no no that's just because i but i will okay done deal there's there's a episode of 30 rock where jack donaghy is a very high-powered ge executive and his child's nanny just has him in the ringer just you can't beat her negotiations because it's just she has to be there. Because he has a baby who he can't take care of. And she is just always like, he asked her to do something more. And she's like, I'll just leave.

And he's like, well, never mind. Don't do that. And then he starts using her negotiation in business negotiations. So she's a Jamaican woman. So he's just sitting there at like ge business negotiations going so what'd you want to do peeling an orange and like no one can out negotiate him anymore because he's just like no and like all right fine then i guess for sure nanny so that's for sure jack's approach, no doubt. I will give you all the freedom you want on social

media. Can you just post sometimes about KFC Radio or Out of Order? No. No, thanks. You win. Alright. See you next episode. Good. Good? Yeah. You have announced the special now, right? People know? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So October 31st? Yes, sir.

Is that Halloween? Halloween, yeah. When do you think Halloween was? 25th? No, that's... No, you're lying. That would have been much more magical. I got him confused.

If I... Before this, I put a gun to your head and said, when is Halloween? You would say October 25th. October 25th without a blink. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Where'd you grow up, man? It's a Jewish neighborhood. We celebrate Halloween on the 25th.

You say what? The Jews don't do Halloween? Eight days of Halloween. I'm very bad with dates. Halloween in particular always fucks me up. When I was in college, I had surgery on Halloween. Then you should know it more than anybody. That would definitely make me remember Halloween. Dude, I got my shoulder checked out and they were like, you need surgery.

I was like, word. I was a sophomore in college, maybe a junior at Florida State. We're like, Halloween was a pretty big thing yeah and i i walked out and the receptionist was like are you free october 31st and i was like i got nothing going on to halloween's the week before but after that i should be good six days before that i'll be done with i'll be recovering yeah my my my neighbor not my neighbor my roommate picked me up from the surgery. I was in Florida. He walked in in a Rufio costume from Hook.

They're like, this is your ride? I was like, I don't know why he's dressed like this. How did you hurt your shoulder? What was wrong with your shoulder? It was just like I had a slap tear, a superior labor man tear, a posterior tear. I think it was just from baseball had a slap tear a superior labor man to your posterior tear um and i think it's just from like baseball and hockey and shit like that it was just like what was it like it wasn't it wasn't an emergency it's called a slap tear yeah that sucks yeah it does not make it sound like somebody just patted you on the back too hard you just congratulated too many times

yeah i never thought of that yeah Someone laid hands on me delicately and my body fell apart. Did you pick Halloween for... Nah. I just go with whatever Netflix tells me. Hell yeah. Amen, man.

Once you play it in that arena, it's like, does the check clear? You do what you want? Whatever. Yeah, at first they were wanting it to come out, like, I think December or something like that. I'm like, yeah, whatever. You know, you're Netflix. Do what you want, man. Totally. Like, they make the fucking, they call the shots.

And then they were like, nah, they want to shoot for Halloween. I'm like, even better. Let's do it. Whatever you want to do, I'm down. And, yeah, they said Halloween. Have you guys ever heard, I don down. And yeah, they said Halloween. Have you guys ever heard? I don't know if this is like a rumor. I don't know how religious you get, but they say that like checkerboard patterns are associated with like the devil and like hell.

No. You never heard that? I've been hearing that a lot. Like black and white checkerboard patterns. And I didn't know that. And I requested for like a checkerboard floor for like the special, like when we tape. Only because old barbershops have like the checkerboard flooring. And I used to be a barber, so I wanted to like pay homage to the barbershop. So I got like checkerboard floors.

And then the curtains are like lit red. And I didn't know it was going to release on Halloween at the time but now it looks like demonic I feel like people are going to be like this guy sold his soul I was going to say there's going to be the weirdos out there who are they're going after Doja Cat right now

Doja Cat had some like satan, satanic type of roll out I remember seeing her at that Illuminati luncheon. We had, I would sell my soul so fast. If I could, I've sold it before.

I sold it and didn't get that much out of it. So if I could really like, you know, get it, I don't know, man, I don't know if I, what would you sell it for in order,

but like in order to sell my soul, then it has like sitting here right on the couch with you guys, yeah, I'll sell my soul. Who cares? But in order to be at the negotiating table, it has now been proven to me that hell exists. So I'm like – Oh, yeah. Now it's tough. Maybe it's a little harder. I don't think souls go for what they used to though.

Inflation, man. Inflation on these souls has been crazy. I think selling souls is very much like a pawn shop thing these days. Well, yeah. You think about it. It used to be like if you sold your soul and were famous 100 years ago, you were like royalty. There's only like a handful of famous people. And if you were one of them, you were like a god or a goddess.

Now it's like you sold your soul and you got like 500,000 TikTok followers. Like big fucking deal. You know what I mean? Yeah. I guess it just depends who you are too. Like, I don't know. I imagine Satan would have to keep like a database on you. And when you're trying to sell it, he'd have to like look you up.

Like how many times you've gone to church. How many times you've masturbated. That's like what depicts your value. Church versus jerking off. None of our souls are worth anything anymore because we've all – by the time I was 13, the devil was like, I already got him. There's no need to make him an offer. He's like, I could loan you 50 bucks. You have to pay it back. I keep your soul and the 50.

When do you think you first guaranteed your ticket to hell? If everything is true, if all the rules are real, how old were you when you were first like, yeah, now you locked the door? If masturbating is a sin, 12. Masturbating is a sin. I am cooked. I mean, I would venture to guess we even did it before that. I haven't read the whole book. I bet I broke rules before that.

There was the mortal sins and the venial sins. I was saying, God damn it, pretty young. I don't like how there's different genres of sins. It's too complicated. No, but you need that, though, because I'm going to get lumped in with fucking Jeffrey Dahmer. genres of sins. It's too complicated. It's too much. No, but you need that, though, because I'm going to get lumped in with fucking Jeffrey Dahmer

for saying, God damn it. No, no, no, no. Yeah, that's true, too. What's that book? Dante's Inferno? Yeah. Yeah.

I think sodomy is the worst one. What's sodomy? Getting fucked in the ass? Yeah. Getting fucked in the ass? That's the worst sin? Maybe I'm wrong. No. What's the worst? What's the worst sin maybe i'm wrong no what's the worst what's the lowest seven fuck i read this book too uh fuck sodomy is not looked well upon on the

bible sodomites sodomites is they're a big level it's not the last level that's crazy though if like because i imagine murder is probably one up there too right i think the lowest depth is something that's like it's like wait, wait, that's the one? Okay, let's see. First circle is limbo. Oh, it's just the seven deadly sins? Is that the same thing? The first circle is limbo.

That means, you know, all the babies who aren't baptized. So we just send the babies to fucking hell. Second circle is lust. Third circle is gluttony. Fourth circle is greed. Fifth circle is anger. Sixth circle is heresy. Seventh circle is gluttony fourth circle is greed fifth circle is anger sixth circle is heresy seventh circle is violence eighth circle is fraud and the ninth i gotta click it's fucked in read more he's getting fucked in the butt and the ninth one is treachery no butt fucking the no but like when you in the book like the sodomites are a big part of it. But like, I don't...

In the seventh circle of violence, it says, the inner ring, a place of burning sand, is reserved for the blasphemers and the sodomites. Yeah, that's the seventh circle. That's pretty fucking deep. Just for someone who says, God damn it, life's getting fucked in the ass a little bit. I don't think I'll,

I don't think I've been that bad in life. I think I'll hang out somewhere in hell where it's like the cool kids, you know? Yeah. You're the good squad. Yeah. Like, like we go to some classes, but we didn't go to all of them.

You know what it is? It's like the barbershop. Yeah. No, it's like, we're all, you know, I see you guys in hell.

How long were you a barber? Uh, I started cutting hair when I was 13 years old oh wow yeah i'm gonna be 27 this week oh you're young shit yeah i do all right but yeah but i haven't been licensed for maybe like a year wait when you were 13 whose hair were you cutting uh my neighbors okay but like you. I'm picturing you in a barbershop with a checkerboard floor. Someone walking in like you're there and an adult barber's there. I'll go with the kid.

You knew what you were doing. I was just in my bedroom. You knew what you were doing? I had no idea. There were no YouTube tutorials back then either. You had to learn from a human. We'd go to the barbershop to get our haircuts and then I would ask a human. Yeah, I had to just like, we'd go to the barber shop to get our haircuts

and then I would ask the barbers, like, what am I supposed to do? And I try to remember what they said. So you just had like an interest in it? You were like, I want to do this?

Yeah. Yeah, I just, I don't know. I always liked how barbers, well, I guess it depends what type of shop you'd go to, but the shops that I'd go to, I mean, barbers could dress how they wanted,

they could say what they wanted, they'd make look badass you learn this you know dude i had the same thing when i was a kid i wanted to be a uh i wanted to pump gas because the dude always had a wad of cash on me as a kid it was like still mostly cash so like my mom's like here's 20 and she'd take out this wad here's a five but it was like this roll of money and i was like i want to be that that guy's so i told people i would like a little like kindergarten kid like what do you want to do when you grow up and i was like i either want to be a i want to play for the mets or i want to pump my mom was like what the fuck is going on the stars i'm not shooting at all yeah uh but uh i feel like i can't decide whether i would like to be a barber or not because there is a cool it's it's the it's one of the very few places unless you get lucky with

like a job like this comics this shit we can hang out with guys it's the only place that really does that you know yeah i worked at i feel like I worked at the greatest barbershop like ever. Maybe not haircut wise, but just because it was the greatest hang, man. Like every Friday was just like the heavy drinking day. Every barber had a beer at their station. Their clients all had beers.

Where, where was this? In Dallas, Texas. Oh, okay. Is that where you're from? Uh-huh.

Okay. It was in a neighborhood called Oak Cliff. And it was in this area that was right. It was very ghetto at one point, but it started getting cleaned up, like gentrified or whatever. So it had like a mix. So you had like these kind of hood dudes in some chairs. And in these other chairs, you had like these rich gay men. And everybody just would share opinions but laugh too and it was fucking amazing it was badass yeah i mean i feel like that's what the world needs like more of and

there's none of that yeah hood guys and gay guys combining we all agreed to meet in the burning sands of hell i i like at a young age i was always like my mom would just take me like where she got her haircut so i never had a ton of experience with barbershops and then i went to one recently i played the gay guy you tell by the vest and and it was like it was honestly like it was the most fun i've ever had like it was i remember you saying that i was like like it was a totally foreign concept bro like be like again i've always

had my hair cut like in salons where it's like so you got a girlfriend it's like no and then we were there and like i i forget it was it was probably like it's right before football season maybe and like i i forget it was it was probably like it was right before football season maybe and like i i i shared it someone asked me like what you do this weekend i was like oh i'm going to the pads game and like just from across it was like pads fucking suck i was like whoa you suck like everyone like the whole barbershop it's it was you know to everyone else's event at barbershop it was nothing special way more judgment in the barbershop it's it was you know to everyone else's event a barbershop it was nothing special way more judgment in the barbershop than the salon yeah well to me there's like the salon and then there's

like uh like italian barbershops and there's like black guy barbershops you know what i mean i think those all had different different vibes like i would go to the the the guy the place i went to when i was a kid was three like off the-boat Italians, and they had Playboy magazines, and there was, I think, cigarettes and fucking ashtrays and stuff, and it was all old, off-the-boat Italian. They literally did not speak English to me. Wait, where are you from? I'm from New York. You're from New York? Yeah.

Okay. That's cool. I would have liked to have gone to a shop like that. Yeah. Well, I mean, the shop that I worked at, I grew up getting my haircuts there. And it was kind of like that. But, I mean, they knew English. But there was Playboy magazines and, like, a bench press in the back. No way.

Yeah. Dude, get your reps in? That's great. Yeah. So, like, while my dad would get his haircut, I'd go to the back and just, like, look at the Playboys. I remember when I started working there, I was telling the guys. I was like, man, you guys used to have that stack of playboys back there. And they were like, yeah, those were, those were mad.

So they're like, I think he took them with him when he left. You know, I don't know. I didn't see him anymore. And in that building, uh, we ended up moving like three doors down, but still within the same building. So we had to like take apart the stations and stuff. We were taking them apart. I found that stack of magazines, like all dusty. So like i blew the dust off the titties or whatever i was like yo there's the

magazines and they're like oh you can have them i was like hell yeah how old are you uh when i found when i refound them this is like 21 you know where else they have these magazines? In like semen analysis labs. So, you know. You got to get. Look at this. We got this girl. We got this girl. And we got Danny DeVito to top it off.

I went through a phase where I just come home hammered every night and stop at my bodega and buy porn bags. Hell yeah. And now they're just here. There's something about having, you know. I have also been through this phase. I never used them. I just thought it was funny.

I'll do a pack of reds and a fucking hustler or something like that. I thought it was weird. So then I thought it was funny. And just no one else thought it was weird. So I was like, this bit's gonna run its course it was a bit as i had with the bodega guy and he didn't know it was a bit well i do you know the articles here interesting article we got we got we got uh pock and dre we got snoop and dre east versus west yo uh did you

see they they made an arrest in the Tupac murder? Yeah, was that guy working on that case the whole time? So here's the deal. There's new murders on the street. He's like, I'll get to those. So the cop working on that has almost become like a celebrity,

not celebrity, but like in that story, Greg Kading, like people know who he is because I think he's kind of a dirty cop too. Oh, shit. He was talking to this guy, Keefy D. They sat down and did an interview and he was like, I'll give you a proffer agreement, which he thought meant immunity. And it just means immunity right now. If you say something right now –

That's not what immunity means. What? That's not what immunity means. It's like for this for this exact moment like whatever you say we cannot use against you but then outside of this interview like namas and this guy just kept on fucking talking about it and then he got cancer and people thought that once he thought like all right i'm on my way out he just started talking he wrote a book about it kept on talking about it and the last clip i saw was the cop

on a podcast and he's like so i sat down with keefy and i said listen man you're probably never going to be prosecuted for this but i'm going to tell the world what you did and then it turned out he got prosecuted for it like they just fucking finally arrested him but what is a profit agreement it's like a step down from immunity but like i'm gonna i won't get mad right now but the second we walk outside well so he got caught he got he had some drug charges so they were like we'll lessen your charges for that if you talk about you know uh you talk about your involvement in this murder but like by the way you know if you talk

about it anywhere else we can't protect you it's just for right now and I don't think he knew that he kept talking about it he wrote it in his book he did interviews oh but then why the fuck is it taking so long well and so that's kind of I think I think that's why a lot of people are like why is it taking so long

but so this guy got arrested and everybody is like, they think it's true. Cause I mean, I guess people, maybe somebody would lie about that for like street cred or whatever. But also if you go down for it, you think like he's probably telling the truth. He says that Puffy commissioned him for a million dollars. So if you believe that that guy did it, you got to believe that Puff was the one asking for it. Yeah, I can see that. I mean, I can, but I can't.

I feel like that's a... You think because a guy did a movie with Jonah Hill, he wouldn't sanction a hit 27 years ago? Don't be so naive. That man's been on the episode of Always Sunny, sir. I feel like he was too much of a businessman to be that much out there. Yeah, nah. He was definitely way too successful to be like –

That stupid. But I don't know. Maybe at that time, people got caught up. But it would be weird. I guess not. Maybe he could have done up but you know it would be weird i guess not maybe he could have done that but lied about but it just feels like if you believe him you're gonna believe the whole story you know yeah probably so if everyone's like yeah that guy did it like they finally got

his murderer it's like well there's another piece of the puzzle here that would be fucking wild that would be sick if you just lied about it though the whole time she's like yeah oh if he made it up about katie per Perry told me to do it. That'd be cool. I'd like to take down some celebrities for the hell of it. You know what I mean? Probably like Matthew McConaughey wanted Tupac dead, man. That would be so awesome.

That is kind of like the Goodell. Years ago, I said that anyone who killed themselves in Massachusetts should blame Roger Goodell. And I just put it – I said, don't do it. He's a big Patriots fan. So when they were going after Tom Brady, they were. I was like, don't do it because of this. But if you're going to, just put it in the note. It's because it's Goodell's fault.

And in my head, I had that that was going to take down Goodell. He was causing mass suicide. That's an all-time favorite. That's a barbershop scheme hatch. A bunch of guys be like, do it, do it, man. I still think it would have worked.

It turns out there wasn't anyone in Massachusetts suicidal and also a fan of a blog at the time. Massachusetts happiest fucking place on earth. Is it really? I don't know. They always give that to some fucking place that's definitely not. Also, who's doing the survey?

Yeah. Look it up right now. It's going to be some middle of nowhere bullshit. I think happiest place in the world, I think, is somewhere in Norwegian. I think it's like Sweden or something like that. Let's take a guess. What state is going to be some middle of nowhere bullshit. I think happiest place in the world I think is somewhere in Norwegian. I think it's like Sweden or something like that. Let's take a guess. What state is going to be the happiest?

I guarantee you it's a worthless state. I'm going to say Vermont or New Hampshire. It's two of the same thing. Knowing people from both of those places, they're not happy. Vermont and New Hampshire are two. Vermont and New Hampshire just get lumped in with New England. If you go to Vermont and New Hampshire, talk to somebody. Really?

Okay. I don't know why. I just feel like that's going to be. Oregon, only because I feel like they're the only ones that really care about that stuff. Okay. Oregon, yeah. Also, all drugs legal there now. Yeah. What do you think?

I want to say it's somewhere in the Pacific Southwest. 15 happiest cities in the United States in 2023. Fremont, California. That makes sense. It's just the United States in 2023. Fremont, California. That makes sense. It's just a nice place in California. Nice. Yeah. That makes sense. I knew I should have gone with Cali. Fuck. Yeah. I guess we're wrong. It's just a place with really nice weather.

Fremont, though. San Jose, too. See, Madison, Wisconsin, number three. Wisconsin. No fucking way. That's just you're in college and haven't been sobering for years. It says there's top 10 in emotional and physical well-being.

Wisconsin? Get the fuck out of here. No way. Milwaukee's in Wisconsin, right? Yeah. I went there one time. I was so happy. Really?

Yeah. I was so ready to write that city off. write that city off like oh it's a little town be bored like what the and i had like the greatest time of my life everybody there was so nice ever been to overland park kansas because that's number four i knew it was number four overland park kansas like what are we talking about anyway uh so you're you live in Dallas still or what? I live like in a little country town about an hour south of Dallas

oh wow okay it's pretty cool and you just bounce around the country for comedy you don't have like a like a city home base like New York

or any of that shit? nah I used to come to New York all the time to crash on my buddy's couch to try to hit like mics and get on showcases and stuff

yeah but I was always in Dallas really I recently moved out to the country moved out to my buddy's couch to try to hear like mics and get on showcases and stuff yeah um but i was always in dallas really i recently moved out to the country moved out to my dad's oh yeah yeah um so you live in like farm life or what do you mean when you say country what do you mean um not necessarily we're not like a farm we got like a good piece of land how big uh like three acres so yeah yeah it's a nice little chunk. It's like a pond, like ducks and stuff. And it's you and your pops? Well, I got like siblings.

I got like a sister, brother, stepmom and stuff. It's pretty cool. Like shoot guns into the pond. Sounds awesome. I was just going to say, like, what do you do with that land? That's it. Of course. You should fucking shoot in ponds.

Drink some beer, go out there, shoot the guns. How do you do with that land? That's it. Of course. You should fucking shoot. Drink some beer. Go out there and shoot the guns. How do you like shooting guns? Yeah, sometimes. I'm not like a super gun fanatic. I'm not like, fuck yeah, don't take these from me. But I think. If you just ask politely, I'll give them back. Yeah, I would.

It's what you want, yeah? Same with the Netflix thing. Like, whatever people want, I'm a people pleaser. But, the fact that they're right there, and they're like, really easy to get, I mean,

how could you not just every now and then grab one and just shoot the pond? The fucking pond doesn't do shit. There's some fucking, there's some fish and ducks and shit popping, like,

fuck this. We are out, man. This neighborhood sucks. It's so dangerous out here. I feel like I couldn't. So you lived in the city of Dallas? Yeah, yeah.

So I was actually like a suburb of Dallas. It's called Mesquite. And I'm like, I was literally like two blocks from the Dallas city limit or whatever so like if you cross the street or just went across the highway you're in dallas and man people used to give you a lot of shit like growing up like i could if i said i was from dallas and people heard what street i was on they're like nah nah nah bro but now that things have been like going well for me everybody in dallas is like you know it's from here, right? Yeah, of course. Funny how that fucking works.

I'm like, nah, fuck you, guy. I'm from Mesquite. Now I rep it proud. And the barbershop was in Dallas? Yeah, so the barbershop was actually in Dallas. It was always kind of on the opposite side of town. So I lived at my grandma's, but I'd go to my dad's every few weeks or whatever. And he had a body shop like to paint cars and stuff in Dallas down the street from that barbershop.

So on Saturdays, sometimes I'd go work for my dad and then we'd go get our haircuts and stuff. That was another cool little job, painting cars. We didn't really use a lot of masks and stuff. I went to school to paint cars and I learned about like safety protocols. I was like, what? I don't do any of that. Do I have cancer right now? So you're just going,

I've seen videos of cars being painted where they put like, like they protect like the window and they protect like the mirrors and stuff like that. And you're like taping up windows and mirrors to protect them and you're like i'll probably be fine i'm not glass i'm stronger than this we didn't even have like a booth we just had like this open space we would like close down the the garage door and we put this like fan like at the end of it so it kind of like pushed it out. Yeah that's good that counts.

It was also like like houses were just like right there across the street it was like in a neighborhood like area so people were just breathing in like clouds of clear coat which is like you're welcome. We just had an old Victorian woman in the corner with a fan.

And we're I and we're, I remember being so pissed because they like rezone that area. So you technically couldn't have a body shop there. We had to move. And I remember being so mad. I was like, what the fuck did we do wrong? And then looking back on it,

I'm like, Oh, everything, fucking thing. You guys are like DuPont in West Virginia. Everyone in the neighborhood. It's like, why are my cows dying?

Good times. I feel like you should own a barbershop now. Bring barbershop back. I want to specifically own the barbershop that I used to work at because I used to pay booth rent and I would struggle

with money. And the owner who was also my barber still would like just chew me out every Saturday that I was late. He's like, you fucking broke all the time. You're back with money. He's like, you always pay your fucking rent late. He's like, we should just let you go. And like, now I want to buy it and make them pay me.

Yeah. It was a piece of shit now. What's a booth fee? What is it? What's the cost? Back then, I was paying $175 a week. I think with inflation, it's like $180 now. How much did you charge for a cut?

I was charging about $30, maybe $35 if you got like a beard lineup and all that. But yeah. But I was also like. Were you doing like, like one of my, one of the things I watch on, on like social media is like, like those intense haircuts, you know? No. If you came to me with some social media video of like the spray. Yeah. They do all that wacky shit.

I'd take it the fuck off. Yeah. These guys are like set it on fire. Yeah. Different, they do all that wacky shit. I'd take it the fuck off. Yeah, these guys would like set it on fire. Yeah. Different colors and shit like that. I'm like, I'm going to trim the top, fade the sides,

I'll line you up. You're going to give me money. You're going to get the fuck out of here. The place I used to go with the Italians, I didn't even, I eventually just stopped saying what I wanted

because they just wouldn't give it to me. They just do what they do. They got a little bit here and actually this time I want to do this. And they would just do the same thing every time. And they would hold the mirror up so you could see the back. And I would go, yep, great. And I hated it every time.

And I just kept going back. The barbers at the shop had a saying anytime a client was getting too picky. And it's like they'd say, do I go to your job and kick the dicks out your mouth we had horrible

Yelp reviews we were like a two star barber shop you should buy it and change the name to two star barber shop what does that mean what's the two stars mean

it means two out of five it's a bad barber shop I got a question because I'm in a bit of a predicament with my barber at the moment. They charge about what you charge. I just get my beard done, which is a term I use very loosely.

I think it's $25. It probably takes like 10 minutes. It's not a deal, as you can see. He canceled on me one night he was like he's like yo i can't make it tomorrow morning i was like cool no big deal i'll he's like can you come wednesday morning i said sure i show up wednesday and he's telling me how his father-in-law just died the night before and he's jewish so he has to they have to bury the body right away so he had to do that whole thing the day before and i was like it's all good man and then when i like was cashing out i felt bad about his father-in-law

dying so i gave like he's so dumb he tipped this guy gave a bigger tip and then like hey forget about that whole your father-in-law thing here's an extra 10 bucks but now i can't go back because then he's gonna be like wait that was all for the fucking... That was my dad. Now you got to keep tipping that? Now I got to keep tipping that. I don't know. Can I come back on the tip?

But then it becomes clear to him that I gave him $10, $20 actually. I gave him $20 because his father-in-law died. I don't know, man. If he's a busy barber, I don't think he even cares. I don't know, man. If he's a busy barber, I don't think he even cares. I don't think his dad is putting that much importance on you specifically. That's what's so annoying about my guy.

He's never thought about it ever. This is all I think about. But I think you're not alone. You're not alone in maybe that specific instance. But, like, people agonize over over like, can I switch barbers? Do I have to tip every time? This is right across from my apartment. I can't go anywhere else. Can I tell them like I don't like what you did?

I think barbers do take it personal because like I wouldn't really care most of the time because I would always cancel on my clients. I was not reliable. Especially if I had some gig. Wait, you would do appointments or walk-ins? I would do reliable. Especially if I had some gig. Wait, you would do appointments or walk-ins? I would do both. Okay. Because I used to just walk in and we would go in on a Saturday and we would sit there for like two fucking hours.

Yeah. You're next and then him and then him and then him and then you. And it was just like, I'll just wait here until you tell me to go. Yeah. I never even thought of being able to book an appointment until i was an adult with my barber the owner of the shop when i started going with them it was like that and my dad would sometimes when i had some extra cash he'd be like i'll give you 100 bucks if you just let me skip line right yeah come on fuck it right but then he switched to appointments and he would

try to get me to do that when i when i started working there so i had like a half and half and um i think i'm i'm pretty good at cutting hair. And I've been cutting since I was 13. So I had a pretty decent clientele. My weekends would get booked up pretty fast. But, you know, I'm in Dallas. Houston, Austin are like three and a half hours away each. If somebody calls me with some, you know, gig that pays 10 bucks at a bar, I'd be like, yeah, fuck these clients.

Let's go. So I would lose clients a lot, man. I bet you did. I would tell them, oh, go with Johnny. Go with Rene. One of these guys will cut you. Go ahead. And I wouldn't care if they did.

But sometimes I'd walk in on a Saturday when I'm supposed to be there and somebody who I never even canceled on would switch and then I'd be like, oh, what's this about? You canceling on me. But in my mind,

I was like, I'm going to be a comedian anyway. I'm not going to stick to this. I'm not going to be here much longer. So I wouldn't take it too personal. And then I'd go fuck with whatever client was cheating on me. I'd be like, look at here, man. I was like, all those years of loyalty I gave you? It's like, fuck it.

Man, you're burning the sands of hell. I had a barber. I lived in Murray Hill on 28th Street. His name was Delta. And he had no clue how to cut white guy hair. And it was $8. And it was like right underneath my apartment. So I just went and he had,

Oh, I just got the chills thinking about it. His like clipper was, I must've just been like so old and like rusted. And he would hit, I mean, every time I'll get the, like the bites, the little bloody. And I would just keep goingusted and he would hit i mean every time i'll get them like the bites yeah a little bloody and i would just keep going back and i would go like

and it was a terrible haircut and he he would uh every time like i don't know how to cut your hair like i was like do you have scissors and he's like no i didn't use the scissors what are you talking about and i went every fucking time anyway I was like, what's up, Delta? Got a bad haircut for $8. It was like it was $8 and it looked exactly like an $8 haircut. When I started cutting hair, first I was doing it for free because I just wanted to learn. Then I was charged $5. Then the economy got a little tough.

I went up to $7. Then my skills got better. I went up to like $13, which is like a weird odd number but whatever it's my business then i got to 15 then i went back to 12 because i started losing business that's when you realize your value like okay 15 too much not enough not enough i was like i was like 21 before i finally started charging like 20 bucks. And yeah, it was a slow rise. So people complain about like raises or barbershop prices like raising. I'm like, dude, it took a long time. How many would you do in a day? I mean, so you're making like 100 bucks a day?

No, my busiest times, if it was like a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I could make maybe like 200, 300 bucks a day. When I had a good amount of clientele, when I was a reliable barber. Which for that one week. When you were like, I'm going to be a comedian, were people like, yeah, whatever, bro, just cut my hair and shut the fuck up? I wouldn't talk about it at the shop. Because I don't want people asking a whole bunch of questions. Sometimes the other barbers would tell them, you know this guy wants to be a comedian?

He does comedy. He's fucking stupid. But they would also go to shows and support, which that was cool. I feel like that's a job where you probably could find a couple other comedians. You're funny enough whether or not you want to commit to travel

and writing jokes and all that shit, but I feel like it's a place where there's a lot of people who couple other can be like like you're funny enough whether or not you want to commit to travel and writing jokes and all that shit but i feel like it's a place where there's a lot of people who somebody goes like you're funny man you should be in comedy it's like well i just cut hair whatever yeah but if you actually were to do it the the um the owner of the shop man that guy's probably one of the funniest guys yeah yeah that just feels like one of those places where it's like this is probably gonna piss off a lot of comedians but i think in my opinion the funniest people on earth are non comedians yeah i feel like the funniest shit is when you're not trying and the ultimate not trying is not being a comedian what being yeah yeah being a comedian what you're good at is the shit i just

described like you got to be able to travel all the fucking time. You got to write the jokes. You got to formulate whatever. That's different from being funny. You could do all that shit and not be funny and vice versa. The guys at the shop, to me, and not even that show, even other shows, it's the funniest shit on earth.

That's why I feel like it was the greatest job. Were there any girls coming here? There is now. I remember that same Italian spot. There was one day all of a sudden one of the chairs was a woman

and everybody was like, this is allowed? What's going on here? Yeah, a couple years ago this girl Laura started working there. She's super cool. And then now that I'm gone,

there's a girl that took my spot. And I remember at first thinking like, oh shit, we got to change how we talk with her but nah they didn't give a fuck they just talk shit too

it was badass I feel like 27 is I really did not think you were that young that's I mean you made quick work to get to Netflix yeah I just caught them every day did you have like a

moment where you like made it went viral got a special like you know what like was there some uh a piece of material or a video or anything where it was like i'm on the map now um last summer of 2022 what year are we in 23 yeah yeah summer of 2022 um i i went to california and i taped one of those uh don't tell sets and while i was waiting for it to come out they told me to wait it'd take like a month for that video to come out uh i knew it would bring like a lot of attention to my page but i didn't have anything on my page that would make you really want to follow. So I started just uploading as many clips as I could of my standup or whatever I could make like those little reels with my friends and stuff. And yeah, when it came out, it brought a lot of attention to my page. So by the time, so this time, like October of last year is when I finally got to

like start going on the road and like headline my own gigs. Before that, I was just like featuring wherever I could. But yeah, that was, and it kind of went quick. I mean, whatever happens for me or whatever happened pretty quick, which is kind of weird. It's weird getting recognized. Made me want to stop smoking weed too. Why is that? I used to like to like smoke a little weed weed and then just walk around the mall and stuff.

But now a stranger will just walk up to you. And it's weird when you're stoned and taking a picture with a stranger. So I'm just like, I don't know. I also feel like one of these days, somebody's going to act like a fan just to rob me. I'd rather just be sober when it happens. You see that YouTuber that shot that dude? No. This guy ran up on him, and he's either showing him a video or playing something on his phone.

It was in his face. I couldn't really make out what it was. And the guy is picking up his food. I was like, I hate watching other people's videos. I think it was in Dallas, by the way. Oh, shit. I think he was at a food kiosk in the mall, like Auntie Anne's or something like that. Like one of those like storefronts.

Oh, did this happen a while ago? I just, I feel like I saw the video this weekend. Oh, okay. So I don't know if it happened. This might have happened multiple times. But this guy just, he was like putting, he's like, no, stop, stop. And the guy just persisted. He's like, please, no.

And he does it a third time and he just just like literally he's like like just a little little gun pulled it and bam right in his fucking stomach no it was loud as fuck but he just it wasn't like a step back get away from me he just went okay i was i i think they uh uh i think maybe it did happen i think what happened this weekend is they acquitted him oh really they were like uh oh yeah they said he's good right yeah they were like that guy's a fucking it was a youtube prankster they're like you're being an asshole oh i thought the guy that was being approached was a youtuber no no no it was a prank the prank was like you know bother this fucking guy this fucking guy and i i respect that it's hilarious yeah me too i was wondering, if that guy died. Oh, he died?

No, no, he didn't. So I think that's why it's okay. Like, if you fucking kill somebody, you're probably still going to get in trouble. But if it's just like, yeah, I don't know, you had to have surgery, but you're okay. That is hilarious. Yeah. We both inconvenienced each other today. Let's call it even.

I also think being in Texas probably mattered. Yeah. I did that in fucking Oregon. It's not going to be the same thing. But the way that guy was just like, it's like a dream. You know, it's like, it's my not gonna be the same thing but the way that guy was just like it's like a dream you know it's like it's my dream to be able to just shoot people like get away from me bam bam bam i'd love that i could just fucking blow people away there's a there's a lot of there i know it like confirms the, but I feel like there is a lot of that in Texas. I was in Oklahoma, and I was telling a guy that I was from Dallas or whatever.

He's like, oh, yeah, my brother got shot there. I was like, oh, shit. Was he in a bad neighborhood or something? He's like, nah, man, he's a dentist. He just honked at somebody in traffic. And they got out their car and shot him in the arm. It's one thing. I get road rage in my head, but I try not to act on it anymore, yelling or honking or beeping because you just don't know.

Yeah, somebody waved their gun at me from their car. No way. Yeah. I thought we were, like, racing. I'm just having fun, dude. Yeah, I was like, yeah. And then that guy just pulled out his gun. He's like, I was like, all right, all right.

I'm going to speed limit, man. This guy's a vigilante gun those videos are like you they make you realize that guns are a lot cooler in movies yeah in practice like everyone looks pretty fucking gay when they use a gun dude there was one in boston where like it was over by like mike's Pastries, which is like a famous part of Boston in the North End. And it was like two guys like shooting at each other. Like missing each other. Missing each other. Like comedy. A gun used in real life is more often a comedy than it is an action.

Like they will like hide behind cars. Like waving. Exceptually dangerous for the other people. But like walking on fucking, what's the street? I forget. Like the main street in the North End. hiding behind cars being like waving guns exceptionally dangerous for the other people but like walking on fucking what's the street I forget like the main street

in the north end but like it's hard I think it's hard to shoot somebody I don't know the only time I shot a gun I was shooting at a target

and I think I missed the entire fucking target it was like from here to there I was like I don't think I'd ever shoot anybody but my biggest fear

is that like yeah if you got a pawn, you better hide that shit. But people, like, my biggest fear is that I'd have to shoot multiple people or something. Because, like, I could maybe get, I could maybe hit one guy, you know, if he doesn't see me coming. But, like, once I hit that one guy, like if the rest are charging at me, I'm not going to be able to aim fast. You know, like that's what I mean. You think it's like,

man, man, man, man. It's like, you probably miss all those dudes and they beat you up. Yeah. They say in movies,

they're like, it's so inaccurate. All the bullets basically. No, that's accurate. It's hard. The real part. Yeah.

That's why you got to, you know, turn it sideways and try to be cool and shit. I do watch movies all the time, though. I'm like, yeah, I think under pressure, I could just fucking get it together, John Wick style. Bro, I think about what would happen right now if somebody burst in the room with a gun. And like, yeah, what will we do? And then I'll be playing baseball with my son.

And I'm like out of gas from running the bases once. I can't do anything. I went to see Mission Impossible when it first came out. And the guy sitting next to me i saw it like at noon on a wednesday and the guy sitting next to me he was like he's in my aisle but he's probably like five rows down and he sat like military style the whole time he had a backpack on on his seat and sat like this the entire movie and i was like this guy picked it like it was like noon on a wednesday not a packed theater and i was like what a weird showing to shoot up but that's definitely what this guy's gonna do and and i considered leaving actually kevin called me during the movie and i walked out to take the

call and i was like i'm just gonna split now like might as well avoid the shooting and i did go back in but i you're like now die for this movie yeah dude tom cruise jumped off a mountain to film this i can see a shot up theater and uh but like the entire time i had like i was like formulating my plan i was like all right i'll just dive down i was 100 it's actually like a weird like look into my own head where i was like, you were 100% positive that guy was going to shoot the place up. And you still didn't just leave. Like, why? And the... But I knew I was going to dive. I knew I was going to scoop his legs

from under. And I was like, I was like, I'll be fine. I'll handle this. I'm an improviser. I know that if something ever happens, like, whatever, I'll probably die. Most likely I'll freeze but if i do do something then fuck it like i'll have to think of it on the spot uh i've been yeah i was

in a backyard my friend's backyard like years ago we're smoking weed in his backyard and behind his house was like a shopping center so it's like an alley and then just like a bunch of stores. It was like late at night, like fucking 11 p.m. And we just started hearing gunshots. And then you hear a bullet hit the bricks in his house. Like it went through and I just froze. I just completely froze. My friend reacted like badass.

He like turned off his porch like quick. He like got real low. He opened the back door. He was like, get inside, bitch. And I just was like badass. He like turned off his porch like quick. He like got real low. He opened the back door. He was like, get inside, bitch. And I just was like frozen. He had to like pull me. So ever since then, I'm like. You could do anything.

Yeah, ever since then. Not one single thing. Not nothing. So like if somebody burst in right now, I would just like. That'll move. You can't see me. He's a T-Rex. I think about that.

Whoever was back there shooting, I think it was just somebody just shooting just to shoot. Yeah. But I think about that guy anytime I'm looking into the pond. I'm not a bitch. Is that Homer on your album? What? Homer Simpson? Oh, yeah.

It's like the Pink Floyd Wish You Were Here album cover. Oh, okay. But I just thought it'd be funny if I put Homer on there instead. This is the cool part about having money. I went to the best tattoo artist in Dallas, and I was like, this. He does these amazing portrait tattoos, and they're so fucking realistic and like tattoos of like statues like roman statues and shit yeah and i was like nah homer this is your job now was he the guy who put dac under oh my god wait wait wait who put dac under what do you

mean he went uh he got anesthesia to get 11 hours of tattooing. Man, isn't that some guy in California that does that? I doubt it. I mean, I think a couple of them do it. This artist, he would tattoo Ezekiel Elliott and Earl Spence, but I don't think that but that this artist his name is uh his name is ivan he was telling me that he he was like watching he's like he was real interested in some guy in california or or i think who like they do that they put you under yeah so that you can just do it all in one session yeah that's kind of lame that's what i thought i was like you know a lot of the people

in the tattoo world were like this is very common and blah thought I was like you know a lot of the people in the tattoo world were like this is very common and blah blah blah I was like I think you gotta like earn it a little bit like

you gotta sit through it fucking talk to me man I'm not even that big of like a conversator you know what I mean when I was a barber I would barely even talk I was just cause

but when I'm getting my tattoo like fucking look look at me dude also going under for 11 hours is like, that's not a joke. They say anesthesia is the most dangerous part of surgery. You're just like, I'll just do it so I don't have to talk to the tattoo artist.

I get that, too. Yeah, 11 hours of talking. I do like when, like, I had my wisdom teeth taken out. And they gave me the anesthesia. And then when I woke up, I was still, like, high. That shit was badass. Right before you go out of it or when you first come out, you had that still in you a little bit? My mom went with me.

And she said that when she was in the waiting room, she heard me yell out. And then she heard me yell it like twice. She said that both times. I was like, ow. And then she went in there. She was going on. And then I was like passed out. But the doctor was like

injecting my gums or whatever and that he was just like oh yeah he he's like passing out already but he's not all the way numb but it's okay he's not gonna remember this like it doesn't make it okay you can't just do whatever you want bro that's like memories the one thing you can't say don't worry he won't even know what happened. He won't remember this happened. It's not a crime if they're asleep. It's not a crime if he has no memory of it. Alright, man. So the special is the 31st on Halloween.

Yeah. Not the 25th, the 31st. The 31st. Cowabunga. What's the name of Cowabunga? Cowabunga? Yeah. I just like that word. I was hopingth, the 31st. The 31st. Cowabunga. What's the name of Cowabunga? Cowabunga? Yeah. I just like that word. I was hoping that was the answer. It's a great one. It's a great one.

All right, man. Good shit. So everybody go take a walk. We'll put this out in a couple weeks, right? We'll wait until it comes out. Oh, that'd be sweet. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

So everybody go check it out. Rob Barbosa, man. Thanks so much. Hey, thank you guys. Thank you very much, dude. Cowabunga.