KFC Radio - Feitelberg Teaches The Kids How To Podcast Ft. Jeff Ross

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 01:22 Podcasting 101 / Favorite cities / Fun facts 11:08 Biographical facts about famous people 16:10 Margot Robbie & Will Smith photo: https://twitter.com/notgwendalupe/status/1641148936579874817 16:22 Pavs' black mold issue 33:29 Book or film reviews 47:48 Daily chores 01:06:45 Video Voicemails ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Stacker2 Energy Go to https://Stacker2.com/Barstool-Sports for your Barstool Bite Back Special. Get $5 bucks off your purchase OR $5 bucks worth of free product. Hello Fresh: Go to https://HelloFresh.com/50kfc and use code 50kfc for 50% off plus free shipping! Ritual: Visit https://ritual.com/KFC to start Ritual or add Essential For Men to your subscription today.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I go home every day and just try a new thing with mangoes. Like, I'm putting a sub-bango on all ten fingers and just walk around. KFC Radio is brought to you by Stacker 2. Let Stacker 2 energy gummies kick your ass your ass your ass into high gear these bad boys are the mofos of energy gummies stacker 2 extreme energy gummies will jump start your game on the field or where pavs

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That's stacker2.com slash barstool. Ready to go? Yep, ready to go. All right, welcome to KFC Radio. Kevin's out. Jackie's in. Jackie, yeah. Yeah. Sorry.

I had no warning until 10 minutes before. I mean, I do this every time, but I'm just like. I do it every time. I don't know. I'm a little more prepared this time in the sense that what we're going to do is we're going to take you on a walk. How to do a podcast. Oh. We just got the list.

We'll just go through the list. Okay. I got 50 things on how to do a podcast. And, well, nope, the headline lied. It is, it seems to be 31 things. Okay. But we'll just go through 31 topics and we'll see how we did at the end of that. Okay.

This is how to do a podcast. Speak about cool countries or cities. What's the coolest country or city you've ever been to? Good question. Can you start? Yes. I would say. All right.

Does it have to be one I've been to? No, what's the coolest country you haven't been to? Can you start? Yes. The... I would say the coolest place I've been to is Prague. Only city not destroyed by World War II. What? It is the only city not destroyed by World War II.

Yes, a lot of people don't know that. But you say it a lot, actually, on this podcast. So a lot of people do probably know this because of that. Keep continuing. I also agree with that. That's also my answer. All right. Actually, I want to change my answer.

I think that Cape Town would be cool. I've never been. Okay. Because of movies? I just saw a TikTok on it once. You saw one TikTok one tiktok how much time do you spend on tiktok um like not that much honestly but like a good amount you have most of your sentences start with like well because that's like the only form of like media that I think is unfair of me and everyone else in the world who I hear that I hear something I saw on TikTok and my brain immediately goes don't care and I I think that's well that's fair I don't think it's fair I think

that used to happen with like it's just the new newspaper or TV or I read in the book but I'm conditioned to be like ah it's stupid yeah stupid. Yeah, it's your old self. Is that what it is? I don't know. I mean like... I guess it is because then when my dad would be like, my dad used to lead the newspaper out for me

and be like, read this story and I'd be like, no. So do you read the newspaper? Fuck no. So how do you see media? Twitter? People force it upon me. Okay.

People say things like, I saw a TikTok and then they tell me all about it wait okay well can i tell you like the latest um fun fact that i heard yes okay um coral have have i talked about this no okay coral oh god wait can i talk can i say two things we got so much talk okay um so something and again i'm very bad at explaining stuff. So just bear with me. But coral, and I do not know the science of this.

I'm going to stop prefacing. Like the different colors in it, they all, or the different breeds of coral, they all reproduce based on each breed, like at the same day. Okay. based on each breed like at the same day um okay even if you have like a chunk of coral and you have it in a bathtub far away from the reef it will still reproduce at the same time on the same day as the rest of that breed of coral i don't know how they know but they all like decide one day and it's not the same day every year it's just like they all decide one day it doesn't matter where it is if it's with the rest of it but each breed and like they all make sure it's on different days so coral syncs up coral syncs up yes it's like a

girl in the period coral's birth process is with the moon are periods actually with the moon. Are periods actually with the moon? Periods are not. I don't think so. No. Why would that make sense? I don't know. I feel like I heard that once. TikTok? TikTok. I think periods are with the moon.

I think as a woman who has, I mean, my period, I'm constantly, like I said, I'm always oozing something. So it's like, I don't have a regular cycle but mine's certainly not with the moon i well i mean like everything's with the moon that's kind of crazy though when people are like like again i don't believe in astrology no correlation between like okay no correlation between menstrual and lunar now i feel dumb for not being like john that was stupid but like everything links with the moon because the moon is just happening every day. So it's linked somehow. Yes.

What do you mean, though, everything is linked with the moon? Well, like, your, like, menstrual cycles are linked with days. Days are linked with the moon. Are you, you're saying it with confidence, but the words don't make sense. But, like, a menstrual cycle happens every month, right? Yes. So that means it is in some way correlated with days. Yes.

Days are correlated with the moon. Okay, but... It's like a Kevin Bacon thing. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Like, my cousin was in a movie with Kevin Bacon. That's how menstrual cycles link with the moon. Okay. I am a little too brain dead and hung over to like

fully grasp that i guess but back in the day they used to think everything revolved around the earth that's wrong i don't know if we've looked into everything revolving around the moon because that's starting to make a lot of sense to me do you believe in astrology do i believe in astrology i don't have a great knowledge of it i believe in astrology like i believe in uh i i guess i don't know uh something else fake okay but you're just describing like the reason for astrology what is that like you just said everything's linked up with the moon and that's did i actually did i accidentally convince myself crystal girl i thought you you were trying to convince me

that I'm an errant. That's exactly the logic of it. I've never really believed it, but there is logic in the fact that everything is synced up. And we're whatever. It controls the water, and we're 80% water, 90% water.

I don't know what percentage, but I'm just realizing now you're 100% right. I am convincing myself that astrology is real. Dude, astrology is fucking real. Do you do astrology? No, I don't. But I do. The only thing I believe is when Mercury is in retrograde, I'll be like, I do not feel good.

And then everyone else in my life will be like, I do not feel good. And I believe that. But do you do that? Do you know Mercury is in retrograde and then you're like i don't feel good or you're like i don't feel good what's the deal and then you sell you look it up and you're like mercury's in retrograde yes no i don't know that mercury's in retrograde and then someone will be like well mercury's in retrograde i'll be like holy fuck but also this relates back to the coral because sometimes i feel like similar to like in stranger things how everything's just like this like it's

all you know like the evil is like all connected or whatever I do feel like in the choral I feel like we're all kind of connected and so it's like if one person's having a bad day it's kind of like oh chances are there's like a good chunk of the population that's also having a bad day because it's all one you know like part of your body can hurt you mean the chunk of the world or chunk of like the city you happen to be in the world like i don't i don't know i haven't like fully fleshed out this theory but like that is why i could go i'm not gonna go on like world theories but um yeah all right now we got cleared that one up next topic you had another tiktok oh okay okay um i've told you guys about this eels um they also like nobody knows how nobody's ever seen them

reproduce ever and they just know that they go to like this one part and like i want to say the bermuda triangle or something like that like some sketchy place they go there during one part of the season they all come out just like having mated and like more of them but we can't we even if it's studied even if they like follow them with the camera they never see them reproduce like or like have sex they don't fuck on camera nobody's paying for that shit get the fuck out of here you'll see who came on there like dude no way no no they that's all eels all eels we're gonna need i mean we're gonna need like true or false on the screen like you have to do a little more research after everything we say okay um the so you like like an eel like i've seen eels before i think i've seen eels before never like a swarm

of them but yeah no i've definitely seen you maybe they're tadpoles whatever i've seen like a eel like creatures before yeah and even those ones up here the bahamas every eel on the earth doesn't fuck on camera doesn't fuck on camera i'm telling you they they've never no scientist has ever seen the reproduction of an eel that's that can't be true i mean it might be true it might not be true i don't know but we're doing a podcast here i'm sharing facts dude but i i'm like 90 sure they've never they all go to this one place so they're all like all it's like an orgy in this one hot spot or whatever but they don't like cameras no press it's an eyes wide shut thing It's like the Met Gala Everyone get in here

We're all gonna fuck And we'll have new celebrities in 20 years That's how eels reproduce Yes, yes, exactly Okay That's all I got Alright, next topic Okay, cool

Let's see here You're gonna have to do a lot of editing on this Yeah, I know Tell biographical facts about famous people Joseph Stalin had really nice hair. Okay. This is a really biographical fact.

Harry Styles, also nice hair. Harry Styles has nice hair. Hitler was born in Austria. Okay. Hitler's not German. Harry Styles was born in England.

England. Yeah, he was. Wait, where was Hitler born? Hitler was born in Austria. Oh, where was Hitler born? Hitler was born in Austria. Oh, yeah. I knew that. I watched a movie the other day about the Holocaust.

Not really about the Holocaust. It was more about, like, you know, the Nazis and everyone stole all the paintings and all the gold and all the everything. The German Shepherd ones. Paintings? The German Shepherd paintings? That was from Holy Sunday. I got that. That's my other form of media.

But yes, that is based in truth, that they stole a lot of the art and stuff like that from affluent Jewish people. And I watched a movie called The Woman in Gold, and it starred Ryan Reynolds and Helen Mirren. It's okay. It's probably not worth your time, but it's not the worst movie ever if you want to just pop it on. And the whole movie, Ryan Reynolds is playing this lawyer who is helpingir and sue the austrian government in order to get her painting back is it comedy at all huh is it comedy no okay no it's it's fairly light for what the topic matter is yeah but it's not comedy um but it is the the name of the painting is The Woman in Gold, and it is a painting of this woman's aunt, and the Nazis took it,

it's now hanging in the Austrian, like, famous museum, they call it the Austrian Mona Lisa, it's a very famous painting, and she wants it back, she's like, it's my fucking painting, give it back to me. Yeah.

So Ryan Reynolds is playing the lawyer that's helping her sue the whole time, and again, it's fine, it's whatever, and at the end of the movie, they pop up, up like the real life characters this is the dude ryan reynolds was playing like he's just looking like ryan reynolds the whole time like it's like i'll put the picture in but it's obviously like not attractive it's insane that

for some reason this one in particular like obviously you know did they make him look older no no no no and this was this was filmed like early ryan reynolds too like i would guess this movie is from like 2012 maybe he looks like a baby he looks like a very young in fact it had me thinking kind of a hot take uh while i was watching it i was like young ryan reynolds not as hot as i remember him not as ugly as that guy but he is like he's okay ryan reynolds doesn't do it for me at all um he also like reminds me of like somebody that i know so that kind of throws me off but like no not at all i mean a little bit obviously he is He is... I've always been a Ryan Reynolds fan. Since day one. If day one is Van Wilder.

Before that, then since day Van Wilder. And I always thought he was very attractive. And then when Welcome to Wrexham started happening... I never watched that movie. You don't watch it? No. But that's okay. But the...

Like, we've met Rob McElhinney. Insanely attractive. Very, very, very handsome. Ryan Reynolds makes him look like an ogre. Really? It's crazy. Well, what stage is Rob McElhinney in at that point? It's now.

Oh, got it, got it. Welcome to Wrexham is currently happening. In, like, the promotional material for welcome to rexham they're standing next to each other and in ogre is obviously a strong term but like he's he's way more attractive than rob mcleaney and rob mcleaney is way more attractive than basically every other person i've ever met. Really? It doesn't make sense the two of them standing next to each other. I guess, actually, I take it back. Ryan Reynolds, as an actor,

is attractive to me. I think a lot of the characters he plays is not attractive to me. Yeah, he plays a lot of the same kind of guy. Yeah. Except in The Proposal. He's very hot in The Proposal. Look at that.

Those are two... Oh, I see what you mean. I also think that he's kind of short, Rob McElhaney. Yeah. Oh, what do you think that painting was worth? She did, spoiler alert, she did get it back. Just give it to me. $135 million.

What? Yeah. The fuck? Really? I'm sure it got paid for. What's going on? What's up? But it is, she just gave it to a museum.

Chime in. That's crazy. I just watched Focus with. What a wild movie to just watch. Oh, yeah, I know. I just like saw it, whatever. And I think that Will Smith, I've like said this before in terms of characters who have like real, like really good onscreen chemistry. I think that they have, really good on-screen chemistry.

I think that they have one of the best on-screen chemistry. Margot Robbie and Will Smith? Yeah, and Will Smith. The rumors are that Margot Robbie was throwing herself at Will Smith. Oh, really? By rumors, I mean I saw a single tweet. Okay, yeah.

It's a famous picture of them in the photo booth. You've seen that picture, right? I don't think so. It's a famous picture of them in a photo booth, and they both have, like, their shirts up. Like, Margot Robbie, like, flashes to the camera, and so does Will Smith. You gotta look it up. Really? It's a famous picture of them in a photo booth, and they both have their shirts up. Margot Robbie flashes the camera, and so does Will Smith. You've got to look it up. Really?

It's a hot picture. Whoa. Okay. Can I vent real quick? Can you vent? Yeah, go for it. About this fucking disaster I've been going on in my life for the past month. Do you want to come on the couch?

No, it's okay. I'll just do it for right here. I've had an active leak in my closet for a month now. Okay, well, here's the deal. I'm going to brighten your day up real quick. What do you got? I heard you were at the doctor, and I thought this leak wasn't going to be in your closet. What did you think it was going to be?

I don't know. Some hole. What do you think? I don't know. Your dick. Your butt. No, no, no. I'm getting my fucking chest checked out because I can't stop coughing.

I was like, Pat is getting fucking really honest. I've had an active leak. I didn't put that together, that's why. Dude just storms in from the doctor. He's like, I've had this fucking leak going on i just can't stop fucking coughing and it's just because there's mold all over my room and i have like called this my management probably like 30 40 times over the past couple weeks emailed them about 30 times just keep writing back they're gonna come and fix it hasn't been

fixed so i've been living in the living room, sleeping in the living room. But last night I slept in my bed. I woke up so fucking sick. Like can't stop coughing. Really? Yeah, it's bad. But that's what I got going on. Because you have black mold? Black mold. It also like I got a leak in maybe the rainiest month in New York City history, which is awesome. And yeah, that's what I got going on. So you're just like sleeping in the outdoors now? I'm sleeping in the outdoors and maybe I'm sleeping in the outdoors. It may be worse in the outdoors because it's such a small, compact room with no windows.

It is a very small, compact room. It's not good, but that's what I got going on. Wait, **** management, by the way. **** management. Please tag them they have Instagram. Fuck that place. Are they like making any... They just keep writing back that they're going to fix it.

And then they wrote back somebody fixed it. Somebody just dug a hole in my that they're gonna fix it and that's and then they wrote back somebody fixed it somebody just dug a hole in my roof and did nothing with it that's it i have pictures they just dug a hole and that was it it's crazy it is crazy what we allow people to do to us or it's just like i don't know i feel like you gotta fix this man and and they don't where i i've, I've texted my super exactly one time and I was like, I have an issue. And he just didn't even reply to me.

And I've never texted him. Was it the light? Yeah. In your, whatever. Which is fair. But like, I'm just like, all right, you're right.

I'll deal with everything else. My floorboards are all warped. My, it is, I don't know what you're going to do. Once we travel everywhere, I'd rather live nowhere else so i'm stuck here the leak thing reminds me do you guys like i think do you guys ever just like feel really sealed up the fact that you only have like two holes you sometimes like i'm just like it's so funny that like there's just nothing

in between like it's just like the dick and like there's no other hole like you're just all you're like sealed you guys are like a 10 doll from a guy's perspective like from a guy's perspective like you you guys specifically i mean it's only like one less hole but like do you feel like it's the same well no i guess you guys do have an extra hole right i mean yeah what yeah dude that's like the main part of a girl well i'm counting i'm counting my holes yeah yeah so how many do you have well i mean we're counting everything like two no no i don't yeah i guess i guess yeah yeah um no i've never felt sealed up in my entire life in fact i walk around every day being like i i could use a plug so how many holes do i have two four five seven yeah i'm not really counting eyes eyes you can

but they're they're pretty full there's no it's not i wouldn't call this a hole i guess yeah yeah it's just a hole with like a manhole cover on it good way to put it yeah yeah it's always filled a little slide do you ever feel too too like just nothing comes out of you know it's just like yeah sometimes that's great like yeah sometimes i feel like i'm gonna explode oh oh in that do you saying it that way makes me think, yeah, I am ready to burst at the seams all night. You kind of look it.

Sorry. Like, sorry, if I come off a weekend of, like, drinking a lot and eating a lot and not shitting a lot, because I don't shit, it's like, bro, somebody poked me really hard right now. There are times...

Poked me really hard right now. There are times where I'll be, like, sitting, like, particularly on airplanes, or, like like when i can't be comfortable like this and just kind of unfold where i'll like touch my stomach and stuff like that and i'll be like my organs are swollen like like this is if i if i bump into something sharp, I'm going to be like a fucking balloon. Exactly. So I guess, yeah, I guess to answer your question, exactly, yes. I'm not leaky.

I feel like this is making me sound leaky. Your face is. You said you were leaky the other day. No, I know. I just said I was leaky before. And I feel like I leak the appropriate amount for a woman. Sometimes I get my period twice a month so maybe like slightly more than the average woman but I'm not like leaking like anything else other than blood oh my god sorry I have just always... How much blood does someone lose?

I don't know, but, like, sometimes it's, like, a lot. Like, sometimes I'll get lightheaded. Shut up. Yeah, yeah. And I also, like, and I've told you guys, like, I refuse to wear tampons. It's a gamble. Every time I stand up. What is the argument against tampons?

Just sometimes they're just like not... Like, it's... Do you ever like... Is it ever like you're supposed to take pills and for some reason you're like, there's no issue with me taking a pill, but I just like... My body just does not feel like taking this pill.

My mind does not feel like... For some reason, it's the same with tampons where I'm just like, I can. It's gonna be fine if I do, but like, I just don't want to. They're like...'s it's also there's so much that you hear about toxic shock syndrome and my biggest fear is losing a leg is that what happens with toxic shock yeah you lose

that's your biggest fear it's yeah it like legitimately like rules my life like everything i do is derived from my fear of not wanting to lose a leg. Are you scared of escalators? Don't fucking tell me. I don't know. Is there a thing about escalators? Well, I just imagine if your shoelace got caught in it. Yeah, well, then just take the shoe off. Would you have time?

What if the shoe was tied? And it gets tighter and tighter, and it's getting tighter as it gets pulled in. How hard do you think it is to take a shoe off all right what about getting on the subway like what if your leg like slipped i think about that yeah that's all the time and when i get on a subway i like like i basically hop on like i don't let my legs like leave each other pretty much like i think that with the elevators too because there was like one time when somebody got off an elevator and like she was like midway through and then the elevator like just shot up and then like sliced her in half and again i don't like my legs like leaving each other and so i like basically

hop off an elevator i've had an elevator issue where i thought i was gonna lose my finger what oh well i never huh do you try and like save it no the is the opposite it was the uh so i was probably in like oh yeah this is part of a longer story where i um i was in fifth grade i think maybe sixth grade and i had gotten my first kiss. Oh, wow. And my mom picked me up. They picked us up, me and my girlfriend at the time. Oh, she was your girlfriend after that? I think she was my girlfriend before it. Oh, wow. You're not kissing before your boyfriend-girlfriend at that age.

Yeah. What were you doing, Jack? I was fucking before. Okay, continue. I was... I remember we were in a, in a slide. And it was like, it's actually very emasculating because she was holding me up. Where like I was already partly down the slide. We were really trying to hide in the slide so we could kiss.

So no one could see us. So she would hold me up. She was at the top of the slide and she would hold me up. And I was kind of crawling up. And she was kind of pulling me up and we kissed slid down my mom was waiting we both get in the back of the she had like a woody like one of those vans uh vans the uh station wagons yeah and we both got in the back back where you were like facing the other way and this is where she found a uh a rocket, which was like, you know, they are. Big fan of stomp rockets.

Huh? Big fan of stomp rockets. Were you? So was Vanessa. And it was like a yellow stomp rocket with like a red head. And she started sucking it. That's right. And I was like, what the fuck?

I was like, this woman is moving too fast for me. This is crazy. And we had to go get something from my dad. We had to stop and pick up his office something so we're driving there and we're in the back seat and she's just like sucking a stomp rocket and i'm just like trying to pretend i'm like into it i'm like oh it was like the whole time it wasn't the whole time obviously but like it was it wasn't a second. It was longer. Too long to be stuck in a stop-market. If it was a video, you would have started fast-forwarding. I'm like, all right, I got enough of this.

I get it. They're doing the stuck in the dildo thing. I'll skip past it. And so we get to my dad's office, and my mom was like, John, can you run up and can you get something? I forget. Maybe I told him about dinner. Whatever whatever i went up there for some reason and i was like you want to come with me she came up and uh we did whatever our task was and then we're taking the elevator down from his office and we're kissing again and then i'm like now i'm like i'm

kissing all the time now like that's like basically the rest of my life is going to be kissing it has happened three times in the last 40 minutes so like i just i'm a kiss guy my schedule is free i'm clear uh stuffed until i'm done just kissing and then i was like i don't know i guess i'd seen in movies where i was like trying to play it cool where like we got done kissing and i was kind of just leaning on the elevator and then the door went in and my hand was like a little fifth grade hand so it just went in with the door and it just got stuck on i don't know i have no idea something inside like the mechanism in there and i couldn't get it out and i guess it was maybe just it was too tight or whatever but i don't know i couldn't get it out and so i was like can you can you get my mom and she was like what i was like can you please just get my mom

and i started crying and then they had to get they had to get like the the handyman in my dad's office al and al came down and he like had like fucking like jaws of life type thing where he like kind of just basically made the metals go back a bit so I could pull my hand out. But at this point, I was just weeping in front of this woman who I thought was going to be kissing for the rest of my life. And we didn't date anymore after that. Oh my god. I would imagine she probably got exed from that. She did that.

That was probably in sixth grade. And then in eighth grade, she started dating a senior in high school. And then they, like, got married, like, right away. I think she had a kid before we were out of high school. It was right after. So I dodged a bullet on that one. But, yeah, elevators are dangerous. You got to be careful for elevators.

That's a very funny story. That's God punishing you for being a little whore. I wasn't being a whore. Her hand should have gotten stuck that harlot. I was the one who was like, what the fuck, dude? Stop sucking my toy. That's crazy that she... She was in sixth grade, too?

Yeah, we were something around there. Damn. What a legend. I kind of wish I was like that in sixth grade too? Yeah, we were something around there. Damn. What a legend. I kind of wish I was like that in sixth grade. Do you? No. I think kids who are slutty at that age are... I dip my toe in that water.

I was never actually slutty. I wanted people to think I was. Yeah. So I had my uh i think my screen name had 69 in it but like i didn't like i i i like the image of sluttiness i didn't want any part of being a slut yeah i would like i want people to think i was cool but like i remember when i was in high school my sophomore year like talking to like guys in the hockey locker room and like pretending i'd had sex and being like dude i'll never forget like a guy looking me dead in the eyes and i

asked him i was like it's like it's 45 minutes like too short and he's like no it's the perfect time and i was like all, I'm nailing it. I haven't had sex for 45 minutes combined since I asked that question. I would not like 45 minutes. 40 minutes is so long. It's so fucking long. 40 minutes is a year's worth of sex. And this fucking guy, if I know his name, fucking Nick. Nick, I won't say

his last name but Nick was a hairy little dude and I was like this guy must know about fucking he's hairy as shit and he was obviously

like yeah about 45 minutes is good and I was like alright cool cool I actually just had a memory the other day

all the senior guys whenever I'd walk by when I was like a sophomore or whatever they would all go yup yup

I just had a memory I just wanted to brag I was like a sophomore or whatever they would all go yup yup I just had a memory I just wanted to brag I was a hot 14 year old wanted to say that um and then I got ugly after that so you got ugly yeah I guess everyone does right bro I fucking remember it like I was like a pretty hot like sophomore and then all of a sudden That was hot jailbait? Yeah. No, truly like it did feel like that. Jailbait's such a crazy word. That's just a word we all know. It's something

that was publicly and regularly used to describe hot children. Oh, I didn't know that. I mean it's just someone you go to jail if you had sex with. Oh! I thought it was like a newbie in jail just gets raped. I mean, it's just someone you'd go to jail if you had sex with. Yeah. Like, that was... Oh! I thought it was, like, a newbie in jail just gets raped.

I think jailbait is just, like, like, oh, that's a hot kid. Also, like, when older, like, dads would be, like, or, like, older guys would just be, like, she's gonna be, you know, she'd be a heartbreaker when she's older, like, telling you, like, to, like, which girls to go after yeah yeah bro what do you mean like thinking back it was normal but like now it's like dude you were like judging fourth graders who was the cutest that's crazy yeah dude a jailbait is a young woman or young women collectively considered in sexual terms but under the age of consent jailbait is just that's someone i'd like to statutory rape that's crazy that we just have that word i just always thought it was somebody like which is when you go to jail you're that bait you're fresh meat fresh meat that's

you're someone who's gonna send someone to jail oh my god that's such a creepy term well that was me oh my god that's so such a creepy term. Well, that was me. Oh my god, that's so creepy. It does perfectly describe me. It's that fresh little piece of meat. That's not even the term of it. But, yeah, then I got ugly after that. How long were you ugly for?

Like three years after that. I remember some guy was like, damn, you really went downhill. And that stuck with me forever. Cause I got bad acne. And I was like, it stuck with me. Anyways. I like,

I like you giving an answer like very, like, you know, someone with humility or humble would have been like, uh, I'm still ugly. You like three years. I can tell you the day i turn this franchise around i actually i actually i'm gonna show you i've just found the most awful photo of me from like two years ago so like i go i go like up and

down i'm kind of like a like a senator where it's like every two years or something i actually don't know our senators every two years i think uh i think you're right about that yeah i got like an ugly year like more often than not wait look at this photo of me that i just found the other day i've shown you also i'll put in the like acne photo that i showed you the other oh god that was bad uh do book or film reviews. We just did a film review, kind of, for The Woman in Gold. I could do a book review for a book I haven't read yet. Sorry, I feel like I didn't really spend that much time on Woman in Gold.

But we're past it now. But I just want to apologize for that. That's okay. It's all right. The Devil in the White City is the next book I'm going to read i hear it's really good uh is it about race uh it's an old-timey book so i imagine race comes into play i think it's uh based around murders in chics was the world's fair dude i'm reading uh the wrath you're waiting how to be single and happy no but it's a smut book and it's really good i've not read 1893 so not even close to the 40s um what are you reading bevs i have not read a book since high school i don't know maybe middle

school i've read me a book in high school bro? I have not read a book since high school. No, maybe middle school. You didn't read a book in high school, bro? I definitely didn't read a book in high school. No way. Same. I didn't either.

I didn't do one thing of homework, I think, junior and senior year of high school. Spark notes all the way through. Spark notes all the way through. You didn't even like... Bro, they would get...

It was so easy to cheat in high school. It was like there would be a class before you. They would write down all the answers and then you would just have all the answers. I was never comfortable cheating. Really?

I just didn't think it was – I'd rather just – I'd get a zero. I don't have any moral reasons for it. I'm not like cheating is bad. I just never was into cheating. I didn't like – I was like the risk isn't worth the reward here. Our school was like you get caught't worth the reward here I like if I get like our school was like you get caught once you're kicked out and maybe that's why because it was like pretty strict punishment but like I growing up I not to say I never did it but like I when I if I did it I was

definitely kind of like coerced forced into it it was never my idea and i was very uncomfortable the whole time really yeah you know it's why i actually might in my hot years because i could get like guys to be like oh can you like give me the answers and then my ugly years i had a much harder time but did you ever like look at somebody's paper or anything like that yeah definitely like i'd occasionally i mean like i i i can't even think of a time i doubt i'm sure i did it i can't think of a time where i was like check out that paper but i'm sure my eyes wandered but like i never had like people some people in classes had like elaborate schemes where they would use like their ti89 and they'd have like things inside the slider or like even more advanced graph calculators, people would figure out, like, how to put answers in, like, the data or in the system for it.

Yeah. I, like, I didn't do. Or cheat sheets or crib sheets or anything like that. I was like, I'll just try. And if I fail, I fail. But, like. Yeah. It's not worth getting kicked out over this.

I actually had, like, one time. So, the same guy who said that I went downhill. We had, like. You guys are a pretty who said that i went downhill we had like that's a pretty important piece of your life we had engineering together and um and like it was a really hard class and so one day he like was alone in the room and found the whole like stack of tests with all the answers and everything and he took photos of every single test with like the work everything and the teacher never switched it up so it was the same test every single year and like if you got a hold of that like you had you could get 100 in the class and he took the

photos and he told me about it and he was like i'm gonna send it to you and i was like do not send it to me i don't want that like on my conscience like i'm just gonna raw dog this class and like i don't want that and i was like do not send me and he was like he ended up sending it to me and i was like okay i'm not gonna look fuck you whatever and then um then i was like studying for the first test and i was like well then it was like this whole moral thing because i was like well now it's kind of stupid to not use i'm just like not utilizing resources like i had these full tests i tried to not have it and then i ended up like doing it and putting everything in my calculator and like i looked at everything and like then the test the next day was exactly that i had all my calculator and i still got a c what not in the

class like i got like a b minus in the class but like and that was like the worst grade i've ever got but like for the class i had all the test answers too but i couldn't call them out i couldn't be like i fucking know that this is right because wait so you got a hundred test and he gave you a c no because i would like i'm just like so bad at test taking that like even if i have all the answers like i just get such bad test anxiety that like i still mess something up i don't know how i like fuck up that badly but like i'm just not like i just have some kind of weird i mean i'm i've i'm i got a learning disability for sure no what is it what's your disability um like being slow yeah but what do

you call what do you say it is processing problem processing problem processing problem and i would still need extra time on the test and everything anyways um yeah i forget kind of like what the point of that was but that point i i think i think largely given the their the ability i think most people choose not to teach like i didn't know a ton i knew like a cheater or two i didn't know a ton of people who were like we and i think that's that goes to show that people are largely like good yeah i i actually i started by saying i don't have a moral problem against it and i don't like i don't think less of you as a person but like i think i i think my thought process is like i want

to do this right yeah because because it is like if you cheat like you just don't learn and it comes back to bite you for the final or something like that i didn't even think that far down the road i was just like i think i just want to try and do this aren't you just god's fucking that that sounds like i was it sounds like i was smart and but i wasn't like i didn't it's not that i'd studied it's not that i'd done the work i just wanted to see if i could do the test without any knowledge we also had like did you get good grades i got pretty good grades not like great i like

my high school was very difficult it was a very hard school and i did i probably averaged like but the fuck was I just going to say the we used to we took we didn't have English we had humanities and the teachers you couldn't use

like spark notes you would have daily you had to read three chapters that night and like the quiz you'd have a daily quiz and it like it was on you couldn't you couldn't have gotten it from spark notes it had to be you had to have read the book so like it was treating wasn't even real i guess you could like get the answers from somebody else but like you couldn't not do the work you had to do the work yeah yeah we i kind of it was like that for some classes but like some classes are easy to spark notes dude i saw a problem the other day on uh tiktok i saw it on

twitter but it was uh a tiktok of i think quiggs quote tweeted it just said yes but it was like can you do this third grade chinese math problem i saw that with the square i didn't i don't have a clue what they did at any point. I actually saved it because I meant to do it later. And I think I could do it. Really? Yeah, I think so. Dude, if you showed me that problem, I would be like, I don't even know what this is asking.

Let alone, like, how to figure it out. I don't understand the question. It was like, do you see this, Paps? No, I missed this. It was like, so it's a square, and then it had two half circles cut's a square and then i had two half circles cut out of it okay like or two quarter circles cut out of it and so there's like oh it seems to be like a random amount of shade in the square no it's like the two half circles yeah but i didn't even see those at first i just saw a random amount of shading in a square and it was like what's the area of the shaded in here and i was like i don't i don't even i could i you could give me a stack of books and the knowledge on how to figure it out

i'd die before you just take the area i'm assuming do you just take the area of the square and then take the area of the half circle and then subtract. Yes. Okay. Yeah, you nailed it. Okay. I fucking rocked the third grade Chinese class. I would have never in a million years figured that out. What was your best subject? English. English, I got a perfect score on the SATs writing. And I actually saw a clip of Dave on Plan B the other day where he was talking about how he went to Michigan.

And he applied to the business school, didn't get in, but they said he can come to nursing school. I had a similar thing happen to me with FSU where it was like I applied to the business school. They were like, no chance, but you can go do creative writing. Oh, really? And I was like, okay, cool. And then I failed out of that too. So, fuck you guys. But I think like in all of my college, the only classes I got, I got A's in were writing or English. And I just didn't go to any other class.

That was the same thing with me. Oh, no, for high school, for college. Yeah. College, I got to clean things up. College, I was like, fuck this. College. College was not for me. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College was not for me. College.

Clearly. Clearly with the seven colleges. College was where we started learning what depression was and how I didn't care about anything. My freshman year of college, my first dorm, I went to St. Michael's in Vermont. I forget. Founders Hall.

I was in Founders Hall. I was there for a semester. I don't know if I left my room. Really? For, like, I couldn't tell you right now. Like, I couldn't tell you what the dining hall looked like. I couldn't tell you. Really?

So you weren't, like, this wasn't, like, boozing heavy. This wasn't, like, partying all the time. It was just, like, didn't want to leave the room. I did not know that. That's crazy. I mean, like, I drank. time it was just like didn't want to leave no that's i did not know that yeah i mean like i i drank i didn't like not drink but like i don't i did not go to many i probably went to three parties the whole time i wow damn i did i didn't do anything i did nothing wait sorry where was this st michael's in like it's outside barrington vermont oh so was it like uh seasonal depression kind of? I don't think so. I think it was like I'd always like felt what I felt,

but I think it was more like I was always home. I mean, it's not a unique case. It's like I'm sure what a lot of kids go through where like I was separate from my friends. I wasn't going to try and make new friends. I was too from my friends. I wasn't going to try and make new friends. I was too awkward for that. It's not some, whoa, this is a crazy story. I'm sure it happens to a million people. But it just hit me pretty hard.

Damn. That kind of sucks. But it was also I just really did not like college. I did not. I thought it was dumb. I thought it was unnecessary. I think that's probably because high school was, I went really did not like college. I did not. I thought it was dumb. I thought it was unnecessary. I think that's probably because high school was – I went to a good high school. And I was like, I already learned all this.

I know everything that's like – I just wanted to go into the world. Yeah. I wanted to go do stuff. Yeah. I can see how just like some people, it's just like what's the fucking – the point of this step? It was not fun. HelloFresh. Oh, my goodness gracious me hello fresh last night

i made tilapia that was simply divine it was tilapia with uh it's something that i can't pronounce i'm gonna look it up real quick it begins with a g um tilapia with oh no uh tilapia with almond parsley gremolata. I don't know what it is, but it's gas. It has a little couscous in there. You know how many couscous do. There is spicy Peruvian chicken and street cart style chicken balls as well as I got on the menu for the week.

Oh, I got to change my meals. This is a perfect ad read. I got to change my meals for next week. Let's see what we're going to stick here. Probably stick with the hoisin glazed pork tenderloin. I'll keep that. I'm going to get rid of the pasta because I've been looking to lose a couple pounds. I'm getting too heavy. I thought I weighed myself when we were at the gym on the road,

and I was like, oh, no, that's not a good weight to be, John. Okay, so we're going to take that out. Let's see what we're going to add. We'll go to Autumn's Best. We'll throw something in here from Autumn's Best. Maybe a spicy maple chicken, beef ten line with all poivre sauce, pecan-crusted trout. Let's go pecan-crusted trout.

Yeah, let's do that. And then we are going to do one more, one more. Meatloaves with creamy thyme sauce. Bang, done. Okay, so that's my order for the week. A crazy schedule can make it easy to fall back into dinnertime recipe rut. Keep mealtime exciting with over 40 recipes to choose from every week. I just chose from the autumn.

It's seasonal. There's also fit and fresh. There's fast. There's Hall of Fame. There's all kinds of stuff. Always something delicious to discover with hello fresh um it does all the shipping and shopping and meal planning for you it makes my day so much easier or it's like i know what i'm cooking tonight i it's not i don't stress about where my food's coming from i know where my food is it's in my fridge i know exactly what i'm gonna do i know how long it's gonna take i know

everything's pre-portioned i know everything's all set uh everything when everything feels jam-packed hello fresh makes whipping up a home-cooked meal for dinner actually doable with their quick and easy options including 15 minute meals that's the that's less time than it takes to get delivery by a lot delivers like a half hour 45 minutes an hour sometimes and with everything pre-portioned and delivered right to your door, it is really a no-brainer. Turn to the HelloFresh market for yummy add-ons and enjoy the season's limited fall flavors.

Line up desserts like apple cider cake and caramel sauce. We'll please the crowd with appetizers like the BBQ pulled pork nachos. And don't forget the mini pumpkin cheesecake. Whoa, mama, I gotta go find that and add that. It's all delicious. So go to hellofresh.com slash 50kfc and use code 50kfc for 50 off plus free shipping that's hellofresh.com slash 50kfc

code 50kfc 50% off free shipping make a coaching podcast and teach your podcast teach your audience about something dude i just taught them about eels don't fuck on camera eels don't fuck on camera um start a series of interviews with intriguing guests we're gonna skip that one tell about your daily chores you have a we went to your apartment to do out of order you have a apartment that looks like you do a lot of daily chores thank you you're welcome i appreciate that um i i don't like i mean you do like your apartment's just exceptionally clean well it's not did you clean it before we got there yeah like i cleaned it a little bit before it got she left an hour early to go clean no i did i did not need like i first of all it was 15 minutes i i will um like go through periods

like recently it's been like like, messier than normal. Dude, my apartment right now is a disaster. Before Dollar Slices last night, Nate came over, which he probably hasn't done in, I don't know, two years. And I, like, he texted me, like, I'm on my way to your apartment. And I was like, oh, fuck, okay. And I was like, maybe I should clean it. And I was like just i don't have the energy to do it right now and then he came in and i was like he never said anything but i was like slowly trying to clean while he's in

there it's a it's a mess really like like if you were to look at it you'd be like that person's having a hard time like it's like it's just pants like on the floor but like you can see how they came off me it's like one leg like kind of coming out there like i honestly have a pair of pants on the floor in the way on the way into the bedroom and i have a pair of pants on the floor on the way out of the bedroom of just like my two separate outfits yesterday like i have like socks that you ever sit on the couch and you just like like it feels like your socks just like the weight of the world yeah and i just kind of peel them off and like they're just kind of thrown it is the blanket it's a it's a mess it is if you walked into my

apartment you would see like that guy that guy should probably fucking do something you get your get your cleaning kids oh they're coming friday okay yeah um yeah chores are you a bed maker your bed was made um i don't sleep in the sheets half the time that's right yes of course um like i'm sleeping on the couch right now for no reason so i don't really like always have to make the bed dude i slept on the couch i don't always make but how old are you 24 yeah i slept on the couch i think we moved here when i was 26 i probably slept on the couch like 26 to 30 like really like never in bed why why do you sleep on the couch right now so true it's just easier it's just like i'm already here i i'm clearly not a person who cares about comfort all that much um like i'm comfortable at all times so like i'm whatever and i was like why am i gonna get up right now and go to bed when yeah i'm fine right here but i have been

i've recently been wanting to stay on the couch more but I'm like no you gotta get up you gotta go do it um it's just it's just it's nice I always think about this like I'm somebody like when you watch a murder documentary or something they'll be like well they don't know I feel like I there's so many random things I do without reason that if I were to get murdered they'd be like well why was she sleeping on the couch? Or like, why did she go for a walk at 2 a.m.? And it's like, I don't know. Sometimes I just do shit.

There's not a reason for it. That I like, like sometimes I'll just randomly go to like a different CVS just because I'm like, I don't know. I just like don't like the vibes of that CVS or something. You know, like there's so much non-pattern that if I were to get murdered, they'd be really confused. Does that make sense? Yes, it does make perfect sense.

Yeah. So your coaching would be like break patterns. Because breaking the pattern is good if someone's stalking you. Yeah. So you're probably avoiding murder. If you were a pattern person, there's a good chance you could have been murdered by now. That's so true. They would have no idea what to think of me.

Yeah. They don't know where to meet you after work. They don't know. You're like, I don't even go to that CVS, man. I'm across town right now, dude. Yeah. But also, it's like I'm always walking at like 2 a.m. or something. You are.

It's so easy. When Nick and I worked out in Pittsburgh pittsburgh yeah so columbus with cory g shout out cory g uh old school gym i've actually wanted to work out at the old school gym for like 10 years like i've followed cory g for a long enough time that like i've seen the old school gym and i was like damn it'd be cool and i guess we didn't really talk about last episode but like when we were in columbus cory texted and was like yo damn, it'd be cool. And I guess we didn't really talk about it last episode, but when we were in Columbus, Corey texted and was like, yo, come work out. I'm right outside the city.

And I was like, done. I'm in for sure. And he said the address, and it was like 50 minutes outside the city. And I was like, dude, that's not outside the city. But I had to go anyway. But I guess it wasn't like a random hour, but we got back. Me and Nick got back at like 10 a.m., and you were coming back from a walk.

On a walk or whatever. Is old school gym, it's just like literally like a warehouse gym or something like that? Dude, he is ripped. He is crazy, Jack. He's like, we're popping shirts off. And I was like, we? What do you mean we are popping shirts off, bro? I'm not going to be the Rob McElhinney

you're Ryan Reynolds right now it's insane yeah it was very cool he had there he had so like there's some very cool aspects of the gym first of all I used to always when I was like in high school and shit like that I used to always work out in a gym like that like

not a nice gym quote unquote like not an equinox not a fucking like i hate those gyms and i'm sure i've said this before but the guy who owned the gym i used to work out at used to always just yell hard bodies aren't built in soft gyms and i was like that's the coolest thing i ever heard so i would always every time i saw old school school gym, I was like, that's fucking hard bodies and I'm building a soft gym. So I was excited to go there. God, he has such a fucking meat head. And he used to be a coal miner, Corey.

And so the floors of the gym are lined with the rubber that used to be the conveyor belt on the coal mine he worked at. When they got a new one, they just gave it all to him. And then he has like, you have like chalk chalk like you chalk up before like some lifts and uh or like like bodybuilders do i've never done it but the uh he has a barbell from like i think he said it was his great-grandfathers that holds the chalk because like the old school barbells are like i've never seen one in person where it's like it's not like you slide plates on it was like you twisted balls like you ever seen like cartoon bodybuilders and how it's like almost like an anvil on the side yes yes yeah like

it's like you have to twist that on to the barbell and i was like that's fucking sick it was very cool we too had the balls on the he did not have the balls but it had like the shape of like like something that could acceptable yeah that makes sense like it kind of had like uh this type thing to it yeah it was uh it was very cool it was also like we worked out for like 45 minutes it's in it's like i just don't get it where it's like you have such a knowledge of the body to know what will do what to it in the sense where like i work out we just did arms and i work out my arms all the time and we just did it his way and like i couldn't lift my arms like two days like it was i had to drive that day i was like driving like it was it was not a safe drive what do you have you do that

was so different nothing really like it was just like like rest between sets and reps and all that kind of stuff like it was you, you know, we did curls, bicep machine, cable curls, I think. And then I think we did three, I think we did, I forget.

We did like, and then it was, we did three bicep workouts, three tricep workouts. And we did that four times and that was it. And it was, but it was like no rest, high, high rep.

It was just, I'm sure this is boring to people, but it was like, it was, it was just crazy hard and this is boring to people but it was like it was it was just crazy hard and i just couldn't move afterwards the the video of you like like not saying the n word and pointing to the camera it is cool i caught nick on the camera like luckily i i actually got nervous posting that video i was like are people gonna like get mad at me because i didn't say the n word where it's like oh he thinks it's cool to not say the n-word congratulations dude yeah yeah

your point savior i i thought people might see it who like didn't get the reference so to speak yeah um but i remember i was rapping along and dr i forget the lyric but obviously the n-word's in it and i just stopped and raised my eyebrows and as i did that i caught him out of the corner of my eye and i was like oh you're not getting me today buddy it reminds me of mincey on the boat and i wish they got footage of that um all right what's the next one let's see next uh wait okay so you do no chores uh no i i like will clean i'll uh do dishes and everything like that like what chores is a weird word to like i just like clean my apartment i guess like chores is like work

like editing yeah yeah yeah yes you're right you know that's a chore like you doing the podcast chore this is such a chore the uh having to work out well that's not really a chore that's like a hobby do you do you enjoy working um yeah yeah i do i guess i i don't get it like people who not that i don't understand it i obviously understand that it's not something you like i get how that works but like i don't get how you do it then like i enjoy working out so it's easy for me to do if i didn't like it i don't get i guess you just don't is the answer i to do if i didn't like it i don't get i guess you just don't is the answer i'm i'm like in a phase where i don't really like i'm like kind of i'll like walk and run like i'm not like working muscles that much anymore dude if i was a guy

like as a girl you have to like skinny waist but like, you know, like, all that. And it's, like, so hard to, like, fit, you know, like, get everything in shape with, because, like, you got to build muscle. But, like, then if you build too much muscle, that makes you big. But if my goal was just to, like, get fucking huge, I'd be, like, I'd have the perfect body. Just eat meat and lift a bunch of fucking weights everywhere, and then you're good. So if you were a guy, you'd just get fucking jacked? I'd just get jacked. It's so easy.

You'd be Tom Hardy Bane? Yeah. I don't know. Tom Hardy. Did you have workouts you used to look up when you were in high school? Yeah. Like you'd Google or like GQ because I'm a little older, obviously. Like they'd have like Gerard Butler's 300 Spartan workout.

The 300 Spartan workout was a big one for me the chris uh tom hardy bane was a big one for me i think i did michael b jordan creed michael b jordan creed was a big one i want to look like that did you did girls do that you have like so-and-so's die obviously yeah I mean like there's like one like five minute abs one that like every girl in college would do I mean but you wouldn't do like a specific you wouldn't see a character oh no and be like I want to look like that which I've actually learned is also the best way to go about fashion is not to try not to see celebrity looks and be like oh i wonder if i could pull that off like find a character you like and you draw inspiration from

them because you draw inspiration from i don't really i guess uh mine is a ton of different people i i don't do i just learned this the other day. I just saw a thread about it. But the... You're like just a leopard. Have you seen Mowgli's friend, Jumanji? Not Jumanji. The Jungle Book? He's an icon.

But it was explaining how celebrity looks are done by stylists and it's often free clothes that are too expensive, but characters are built around personalities and things like that. And it's much easier and smarter to draw inspiration from that because it's a real thing. Whereas most celebrity looks are fake. Yeah. And I was like, oh, that is pretty cool. Do you mean like tv characters any kind of character yeah yeah so who would you say is your top like that you think of right now i don't know you could have like a you kind of your own style

yeah i have definitely has it based on you no i don't know if i probably shouldn't have started dressing until I got here. If we're really being honest. Literally, like, two weeks after you came in with a tote bag, Pabst came in with a tote bag. That's a lie. I've been rocking a tote bag since college. That's a lie.

I've had that tote bag since college. I guess I didn't know you in college, but when you first came here, you did not have a tote bag. No, I definitely didn't have a tote bag. I was afraid to bring that tote bag since college. I guess I didn't know you in college, but when you first came here, you did not have a tote bag. No, I definitely didn't have a tote bag. I was afraid to bring my tote bag. That's like saying that fucking... I was afraid to bring my tote bag. That Bird and Magic didn't start playing.

You got to have competition. Competition breeds competition. Dude, it was easy to fucking not get dressed when there was no one here who got dressed. It's like, all right, everyone's wearing sweatpants. I'll put on jeans and a t-shirt. I'll look the best. Are you in competition with each other? Yeah.

100%. There is a silent competition that's been going on for months now. Bro, you guys didn't know that? Of course it's a competition, dude. Every time you walk outside your house, competition's happening. Okay, wait, let's do like a fit check today. Who won?

He brought out the leopard today. I didn't know he was going to bring out the leopard. Wait, can you stand up? What are you wearing? I'm actually wearing two of my favorite pieces today. That motherfucker said pieces. He said it. This is J.Crew

trousers and then this is also, I'm going to have all J.Crew to say J.Crew sweater. That sweater gives me I saw Brad Pitt wear something like this. I was going to say Daniel Craig Bond. Daniel Craig's got a I actually bought it.

It's a character I was inspired by. I bought it after, was it No Time to Die? He's wearing it. I think it's a J.Crew. It's a Navy, like Navy as in not colored, Navy as in like the Marines. I think it's like a Royal Navy sweater that I bought, and it just did not work with my figure. It was just lumpy it was not for me but that look it's i mean basically exactly that sweater yeah it had like

uh pads yeah yeah it's a very nice sweater maybe every day we do like a tiktok like who were who's fit is best. Honestly, if we did, you had the idea of everyone does a fit check every day. If we did that, I would dress. Bro, why do you think I said we should do that? To get me to dress better?

I was like, oh my god. I was tired of the meat sweatshirts. No, I agree. I think that would be a good thing. Yeah, we could do a fit check every day. You guys were all like, no, you'll just win. And I was like, yeah, I know. But I'm certainly down to do KFC Radio daily fit checks.

Okay. It's also way too cold to do KFC Radio daily fit checks. Okay. It's also way too cold to do, but I'll do it. It's not the best time to dress. Yeah, what are you talking about? Yeah, that's true. I don't have... God, I fucking need money.

That's what I need. I need to just get a whole new wardrobe, and then we'll do the fit checks. No, we're going to no. Okay, okay. We'll start in fit checks next week. week got it we're also gonna start next week like uh better cameras high quality cameras so everyone's leveling up everyone's leveling up okay outfits and cameras gonna see those fits in 4k where's the uh where's some chalk and you

talk around here right behind you right right next to Jackie says oh you can you can mark one Down for yourself there. Yeah, and then just put fit checks next to it Just write fit checks wherever right there. Yeah perfect, okay Oh shit. It's noon. I got to go. Oh, shoot. Okay. What the fuck? You can talk about fantasy football with your friends all day long, but asking them for health advice? Not the move.

They're probably doing weird stuff with bangles. Ritual takes the guesswork out of the vitamin game. Their multivitamin for men is based on science to help it help fill common nutrient get nutrient gaps in the diet and level up your nutrient goals it's an all-around win when i take my multivitamin there's a bunch of things we talked about today where it improves our lives be it the fucking uh brain games be it mangoes be it lava cakes all of it when i take a multivitamin i feel like a better person it's just like you know i guess some people have they're making their bed whatever it feels like

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fellas and management, uh, want to say, uh, been loving the shows for a while now. Um, lately there's been a lot of talk of being out on Bluetooth headphones and going to wired. I think I'm out on Bluetooth altogether today. I was trying to sell a car

at the dealership I work at and my phone automatically connected to the Bluetooth and the podcast I was listening to today was the one most recent right now on what's so bad about communism? That's the only thing that popped up on the screen whenever my phone connected But still I was like, oh nice old couple And the second one that I'm out on Bluetooth on I got a new bathroom fan at my house And it's automatically Bluetooth to my phone and it's cool when it's just me But whenever I'm watching videos and somebody goes to use my bathroom and the videos connect over to my bathroom fan, it's terrible. Don't like it. Not for me.

So, yeah, I think we're using Bluetooth way too much. Is there anything that you guys are like, yep, don't like that Bluetooth thing other than headphones? Thanks. Viva. I mean, that's a full, this is a take as old as bluetooth itself but like i didn't even know bluetooth fans existed that's insane that is that's like trying to make like like a knife and uh a makeup brush in one they did they don't need to be together there's no reason for these two things. A Bluetooth fan?

The fan plays my fucking music? I didn't really get that. I'm guessing it has speakers in it as well. That's insane. There is absolutely no fucking need for a Bluetooth fan. I don't really... Since I'm not... Actually, since I use it so much less too, I only use it i use my

over ear headphones to go to the gym so i have that like an hour a day and it's fine in the gym and then walking home i still get that i can't believe people don't get that where like when you cross busy streets it stops working uh i kind of actually i have to turn on 23rd i have to turn my head a certain way to get it to work and it's just one of those things when like it is we actually kevin and i were talking about it when we were at the airport we were talking about just like how you get annoyed by new technologies and louis ck is a bit where the uh he was on a flight and some it was years ago it's an old bit but the he was talking about how uh on that flight they were like, hey, we got something new we've been working on. We're going to have Wi-Fi on this flight.

So everyone, you can check that out. And halfway through the flight, they're like, ah, sorry, the Wi-Fi went down. And a guy on the plane was like, well, I mean, Jesus Christ. And Louis C.K. was talking about how it's a technology you didn't know existed an hour ago. And you're furious it's not working. Bluetooth's existed for 20 years. And yes, when it doesn't work, I get furious. Maybe 20 years is a stretch,

but Bluetooth's been around for a long fucking time and it's so insanely imperfect. But this is kind of connecting. Since Kevin's not here i'm gonna talk bad about him doing the driving because this involves sound that's how i made my loose connection uh doing the driving last trip kevin just listening to his phone in the car is crazy you can't be scrolling like tiktok and Instagram with people in the car. That's nutso.

I've never seen a bigger iPad kid. It's also a big look at this. That's why I get so car sick easily. I always find it a blessing. I'm happy that I get car sick because it forces me to look out the window and like not be on my phone i i get car sick as well and i wonder if that's why i do it too i'm like i do i cannot play on my phone in the car yeah i get i'm just like that i thought it was because i'm an adult and who doesn't want to do that but you're right it's just because i have a child who gets car sick i think it's like taught me like in other parts of life to to just like not be on my phone because

then you're just like ah like i just i just don't feel good like dude i don't know if you guys were listening to radio but i was just saying on radio that walking home yesterday i was like i think it's it's not like i'm gonna become a flip- a flip phone guy because I want to be a quote unquote flip phone guy. But I don't want to be. I have fuck shit going on my phone all the time. So I'm always thinking someone's in it. And I'm just I'm like, how can I ever escape this anxiety I have at all times? Like, I've had some shit going on my phone recently where I'm like, I don't know what's happening.

And I'm like, I guess the only way to escape this is if I just become a flip phone guy like that's my only option and it would eliminate so much stress and anxiety and I'm trying to decide if it would bring on more as well like how important is our text chain? How important is my Google Calendar? I think those are the only two things that I'm like, I kind of have to have those. Aside from that, I don't need my iPhone. I don't check my email. I don't really text that much. Social media I can use once or twice a day on my laptop.

I think it would greatly help my life i think i think you're one of the few that could do it because like obviously you talk about our text chain in the google calendars then it would just be like oh you're looping john on this as if call john and you would never miss a thing yeah now we just assume that you'd know about something and you would never not know about something but that's that's giving you guys a much bigger task to loop me not much bigger but like giving you guys an extra step all the time you always being responsive on your phone makes my life significantly easier like like sometimes kevin i'm like just fucking answer so i cannot have you have a flip phone i'm sorry okay it would be fucking it would be cool like having a flip phone i would love to

just like walk around with the razor it's not like it's the cool it is cool and like that but like that is so secondary to me it's like i just can't have that phone next to me not next to me like i just can't have i can't have people who have access to that phone out there existing yeah i'm always just like and it's almost like when you watch a horror movie where, like, the... You watch the horror movie and you went to bed and you heard a door creak and you're like, someone's in there.

And, like, no, they're not. But it just happened. It's PTSD, I guess, where it's like... I'm sure it's just something regular that's happening to my phone. But anytime some regular malfunction or some regular little hiccup happens, I'm like, fuck. Someone's hacking me. Someone's, like, doing shit in my phone but anytime some regular malfunction or some regular little hiccup happens i'm like fuck someone's hacking me someone's like doing shit in my phone right now i had somebody fully

in sixth grade i left my phone somewhere and then like i'd gotten it back and somebody was like signed into the iCloud Hector was the iCloud sorry to out him but he fucked my shit up and he would... So then all these gambling and sex apps were downloading on my little sixth grade phone. And I was like, I swear to God I'm not doing this. My parents were like...

Because I showed it to them. And then they could text my phone too. So they could like... They were texting my friends in Spanish. What? And they were FaceTiming them too. They had full access. And my friends would be like... I'm a were FaceTiming them too. Like they had full access. And like my friends would be like,

I'm your jailmate. Yeah, they'd be like, who's that man who just, no, the jailmate. They were like, who's that man who just FaceTimed, who you're with,

who like FaceTimed me from your phone? Like, are you okay? And I was like, what? So it was like, but I was like in a different location. So I don't, I would get that checked out. Bro, what?

Yeah. That's crazy. That's freaking out. did you ever like go to the police or i guess at the bottom of that i had to just like get a new phone like he i was just like okay i mean i guess he's just like fine i just like i i forget you get a new number and shit yeah i had to get a new number i had to get new everything he sold yeah he like just he won and you this was in sixth grade yeah and it was this fucking girl in my class who would it was this whole thing but like it was this girl in my

class's dad and it was a girl in your class's dad yes and like i was just like whatever wait so what happened with like did you and the girl like fight she just avoided me for the rest of that and like i'm not confrontational so i was just like again like you win i just like let her have it but i would like i would give her dirty looks and everything but like i i was not gonna call her out on it because like it wasn't her like it was her dad and like i had enough like empathy at the time to be like i understand that you didn't she'd taken it but like i remember so she took your phone and gave it to her dad yeah because it was in the bathroom at my sixth grade and then it was this whole thing

where like she had said that she found it on the side of the road but by the time i had called like i figured out that the call times like that couldn't have made sense so she obviously had wiped it it was a completely wiped clean like and then they were called it was like this whole thing i'm sorry i'm like the so so you you did not have your phone it wasn't a hack situation it was they had your physical phone then i then i had finally called and then like she picked up after like three days and then i was like oh hi i know you like you're in my class can i please come grab my phone while you have it and she was like yeah sure but like it's wiped like i don't know if you still want it I was like no I still want it so then I went to go grab it and it was completely wiped and I was like okay I guess I'll

just start from new and then like when I went to download everything I was like okay heck they're like is like has is logged in everywhere and then I just like replaced mine with my Apple ID but he was still able to access everything so so I'm so you said it was three days. Yeah. So, so do you think it was a sexual thing or like, was she like being like, like helping her dad be a pervert or was she just stealing her phone? No, she just was like stealing my phone. And I think there was a period where she realized that like it was on and I tracked it and called i feel like she realized that she was gonna get caught so she picked up and was like oh like tried to be like oh sorry i didn't know anything i'm not exactly sure what happened i don't remember all the details but she was just

trying to steal it like it wasn't like when you first started saying like a man in a young girl's phone i was thinking like pedophile oh yeah no but she was just stealing your phone. She was just stealing my phone. That's wild that you were just friends with the girl forever who stole your phone. I wasn't friends with her, but I just didn't ever confront her because I was like, I don't have the energy for this. I'll just get a new fucking phone. I don't care. All right, next question. KFC, fights, everybody else.

It is 12.30 in the morning. Philly's just lost game game 7 and I'm drunk. And not my first time calling in. In fact, I've been calling in a lot recently. I guess I'm going through some shit. But, like I said, 12.30 in the morning. Can't work. Can't be left for work in 6 hours. But I'm hammered and I ordered Domino's in my home. And I've always heard about their lava cakes.

I finally gave it a go. They're unbelievable. Like, it's just a great, great find so late in life. So, my question is, you guys have a, a treat, you know, like maybe fights with your mangoes.

There's something you found out about something that's so late in life that, uh, just changed your life. Like, this is unbelievable.

I thought I was fat before, just wait till I eat these every weekend for the rest of my life. Alright, peace. Dude, finding lava cakes

late in life is like more dangerous than finding like cocaine late in life yeah like that's some young people shit bro yeah you can't be like later in life metabolism slowing down being like hang on a second these lava cakes are pretty good you gotta be firing on all cylinders for the lava cake phase um that is that's a dangerous thing uh mangoes for sure mangoes are having a big moment and obviously it's because of something i'm paying attention to right now with uh i think you guys use the comparison like you start driving a red car you see a lot more red cars i was talking to kate about mangoes her family is obsessed with mangoes cash and the beef everyone loves fucking mangoes i've been

i've been hearing whispers on the office trent trent's big on the mango train it is very funny to see like northeast culture discovering mangoes and i'm part of it back in california i i've been been mangoing been you've been mango yeah like and i i pat like in college i had this whole frozen mango phase like you freeze fruit no just like i would like trader joe's has like these chunks of frozen mango that should be your next form of mangoes it's like so good it's a refreshing little treat wait it's it's what was chunks of mango just like. Trader Joe's just has like frozen chunks of mango. And you just eat those like that? That sounds like it makes my enamel zency.

Well, you have popsicles all the time. Yeah. Yeah, so you just let it melt in your mouth and then start chewing? Yep. Mmm. Mmm. That made my nipples hard. I don't know if it's the cold or the good taste, but whatever.

The mangoes are for sure one the uh i guess like waking your brain up is one like like i like doing brain games and being like oh i'm getting i can still get i thought i was just like i was what i was gonna be like if that makes sense like as far as like my like how my brain can function yeah I wasn't I was like I wake up and I I didn't think I not not that I was ever gonna learn again because like you learn every day whether you want to or not but I never thought I was going to like try to make my brain better again that makes does that make sense yeah like i like watching myself improve at like crosswords and connections and i'm like oh i can still get better at things like i thought it was just like my life was over yeah it was just like i'm gonna be i guess this

is the exact opposite of this guy's thing where i'm noticing i can still improve my life whereas he's like lava cakes are good it is it's tough but yeah i i think i would go brain games i i very much enjoy waking up in the morning and uh and playing brain games and i feel like it's a good way to kickstart my day i could say that too except i do it at night because i realize if i use my brain like it helps me fall asleep every single time i can't like i don't even make it through connections because i like if i use my brain for more than seven minutes i fall asleep i'm like not kidding about that if i read i can get through like seven minutes and then i fall asleep that's why i can't i haven't read a fucking book i can do seven minutes of functional brain activity

and then i'm like i need a nap it's like not an exaggeration books i i actually one day i would like to get a nightstand next to my bed so i put a light on it so i can read in bed because that would knock me out every time it's such a normal thing that you're like aspirational goals are a nightstand with a light. Bro, like, yeah, I think about it like every day I go to bed. I'm like, man, if I had a nightstand with a lamp right here, I'd be living large. Dude, we could knock that out for you in a weekend. We could have done today. We could, couldn't we?

But will we but since KFC radio is all leveling up next week how about by next week you get yourself a night stand no damn we could order this right now we could literally order this right now no don't you dare

actually I can talk I don't have a coffee table as you guys saw and like i i could just buy a coffee table no i don't have all the pieces to the coffee table i just haven't built it i've had it for two years now and you just move new apartments with a coffee table no because i've had my apartment i guess a year and a half you've been in that apartment a year and a half yeah oh it looks like brand new um this new wave of morning games like gets me out of bed you know i mean like new wave there's been crossword puzzles for years now but the way we all talk is so funny where it's like this new thing it's like no it's the thing i just found out about

everything we are so all self-centered it's like dude this thing's awesome but i also get that like there was i think like um there was a viral video recently of someone doing like this woman invented oh i think it was like oh i think it was she went for a jog and she didn't bring her phone and she did this and people like this girl's acting like she invented jogging it's like well she kind she did for herself like she we jogging. Well, she did for herself. We've all heard about it and shit like that. And there was someone else who was talking about libraries. You know you can go get books?

And the person's like, oh, this person thinks they invented the library. Well, no, they just found out. Libraries are just like homeless shelters now. Don't go to the library. So it's reinventing it for a new generation of people. So yeah, you are discovering it in a sense, like Columbus discovered America. It existed, but most of the people didn't know about it. So you get credit sometimes.

But what were you saying? But no, it just gets me out of bed. You do it? It's like I do coffee, I do connections, dozen, and then if I don't feel satisfied, I go back to the Immaculate Grid. Just to make myself feel good. Dude, I've become kind of a connections gangster wait i swear to god ever since we said connection we talked about connections it's gotten easier is that what it is

fuck it's been super easy lately it's been so much easier lately and i feel like uh except the last one uh no not the lot i forget um i think literally somebody had to have been listening like who the engineer because it is so much easier now that i just about how self-centered we are now i'm talking about how low self-esteem we have where it's like it can't be that i'm getting smarter it has to be someone's dumbed it down for us um before we get done with this guy fun fact about oh two things one saying it's 1230 in the morning is crazy

yeah it's 1230 at night yeah it is it's 1230 at night no no 1230 in the morning no it's 1230 once you get to like

maybe one but like even like I wouldn't say it's 130 at night I wouldn't say that but it's 1230 at night. I wouldn't say that. But it's 12.30 at night. Okay. It's obviously, it's technically incorrect. But, like, I think it's, once you hit the 1, you can start saying in the morning.

2 in the morning for sure. 3, 4 after that, obviously in the morning. But I think in the midnight, noon range, midnight range, you're still talking at night. I agree. I don't – yeah. I agree with my full heart. You'll take it. I'll take it.

The last thing is he's got a pop collar for listeners at home. And my favorite fun fact about pop collars, which I don't know if they're true or not. Does anyone know it? You said this. I'm sure I've said it i've only i only have like five things i say them all repeatedly oh no go you don't know this so the pop collar got cool it was a cool thing i think it was back in the 70s maybe before then and i in is it like ivy colleges uh i heard it as prep schools but it could be ivy colleges where because you

had to have starched collars and it looked nice for school and if you fucked the night before and slept at the girl's dorm you probably didn't have time to restart your collar so your collar was all popped up and and that's how people knew the guys who got laid. And then it became a trend in the 90s or whatever, or 80s, I guess. Well, I guess then it became a trend that people who weren't fucking were trying to make people think that they fucked. And then they popped their collars up. I have no idea the actual, if that's true or not. Interesting.

That was something we learned in prep school. Last voicemail. What's up, fellas? Hope you're having a good day. If not, just know the rest of us are going to be happy from listening. Jackie, I'm sorry. Helmet guy. Dumped you.

I would never do that. Not important. I was out. I just moved to boston um 24 so i'm trying to do new things i was out at an event and i wanted to go somewhere after and i tried this like tequila watermelon drink at this place it was just like it was so bad. It tasted like shit. And I was like, I'd be much happier drinking bourbon or beer or even just like tequila soda. So my question is, at what age do you just stop trying new things? Because at a certain point, like, you know, right? Like, I know I like bour bourbon i know i like tequila

soda i shouldn't have tried a watermelon fucking tequila shit so when do you stop trying new things that's my question thanks guys have a good day or not talk to you later i mean my answer would be never you kind of just answered this like you just discovered that you can keep bettering yourself but but you like that's more serious but like i think that i i i i obviously i think kevin's answer would be right now 10 years ago but i i would answer like i don't know i still find new things i like You're always doing new things with mangoes, for example I'm always doing new things with mangoes

To be clear, I just eat the mangoes I've tried one thing with mangoes We'll see where the rest of it takes you You're always doing new things. Talked about all your holes earlier. You tried every one. Man, I feel like I need to be plugged up a little bit. Only there was a mango.

I go home every day and just try a new thing with mangoes. I'm putting a mango on all 10 fingers and just walk. This is crazy. You should do like a new mango thing tonight. But like that's like, I think like y'all, I think when you stop trying new things and this is a nice goalpost for me that I can do it. I think that's when you stop growing. That's when you're like officially an adult and you can stay a kid forever if you want by just always discovering new things. And if you keep trying new things, and be it tasting or drinking or doing,

and then you can be like, whoa, I learned something new. That's childlike. So you can keep your childlike wonder if you're always trying new things. Keep shoving mangoes up your ass. And you never drop. Interview time. Interview time. Interview time.

We got Jeff Ross on the show today. He is here in New York. I forget on what dates, but he is exceptionally funny. I've seen him on the road with Chappelle. I've seen him at the Cellar. I've seen him with Attell. I've seen him a million times. Incredibly funny.

Go see his new special, Take a Banana for the Road and listen to the interview. Thank you. Goodbye. Good to see you again. Where do you want me? Right there. How are you, brother? I'm doing great. Yeah. Doing great?

Yeah, I'm doing great. After all these years, still doing great better than ever is that true i feel like it's uh i mean i can't even imagine after how many years you've been in the game still still being like yeah yeah i'm good i'm good already now i'm like i don't know anybody with a regular job yeah that's like my number one motivator. Do you still feel that way? Like, as long as I'm not doing a regular job? I mean, I still feel like it's a hobby.

Really? Doing comedy, travel, and all this stuff. It's never, you know, you haven't gotten to a point where you're like, I had points like that. Not now. I like the show I'm doing. What's the change? The show is the change?

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I just saw you at MSG with Chappelle oh wow and obviously incredible blah blah blah as with my dad and we didn't know what it was gonna turn into it was the first night like, I'm just in the crowd of the Travis Scott concert with my dad. That's amazing. It was very fun. That was a good one. That was great. That was so crazy that you guys all did that. And I feel like it still went almost under the radar.

Is that possible to sell out MSG for a full week and still have it be... That's Dave. He doesn't do press. Yeah, that's what I like. I was telling people, I was like, I'm going to Chappelle Night. They're like, Chappelle's here? I'm like, yeah, he's across the fucking street tonight.

Yeah, people have to do word of mouth. Yeah. He doesn't promote it. You got to know. And he likes no phone, so there's no social media and no press. That is... He keeps it mysterious. And still just fucking sells everything out.

That is... That's as cocky as it gets. I mean... That was incredible. no press that is he keeps it mysterious and still just fucking sells everything out that is that's as cocky as it gets i mean that was incredible we could tell that story if you want it was a great week yeah i mean what was that like four nights at the garden i went and are we rolling yeah i went like when i when i knew dave had been planning something for his birthday for a while. It was a big birthday. Me and Dave, my earliest days of comedy were driving Dave around New York in the middle of the night. I was like, all right, what are we going to do for the 50th? I guess Madonna postponed some dates at the Garden. Dave swooped him up four nights with an off night in the middle on his birthday

so i was like wow here i am a kid from jersey saw all my first concerts at the garden billy joel and kiss so i was like all right dug through the closet found my combat boots from my punk rock days resold them painted them i was like i'm wearing these on stage garden rock star style and i would host you saw it i came out hosted the first night it was who was there the first night uh it was shane right donnell rawlings um george wallace and aziz i believe incredible and. Then I would host, and Dave would do an hour, and then I'd come back after Dave, and while they reset for Travis Scott or Timberlake

or whoever, John Mayer, whoever was going on the musical end of the night, while they reset the stage, I'd walk around the floor of the garden in my combat boots with a camera guy and whoever stood up volunteered to get roasted on the jumbotrons oh wow so i was like i was in heaven man how how different is that not necessarily different but like when i saw you walking around down there the uh it feels like like i guess this is a larger question like with you what's the percentage of people who are like trying to make the roast about them?

It is about them. But they're trying to, almost like they're seeing it as their big break. Yeah. Where they're like, you know what I mean? They were guys trying to take the mic out of your hand and stuff like that. It does get kind of punk rock sometimes with that.

But you know, I'm a black belt in taekwondo since I'm 10 and a half. Are you really? It gives me a certain swagger to go, no, I'm a black belt in taekwondo since I'm 10 and a half. Are you really? It gives me a certain swagger to go, no, I'm going to hold on to this mic. I've always said that about being able to fight. It's like I wouldn't walk around picking fights. But if you know you can handle yourself, shit like that, you're just like calm and cool and collected. Talk about this in my new show.

Like my mom, I was getting bullied when I was six in Newark in my school. And she dragged me to a karate class where all the kids could just take turns beating me up. So it immediately toughened me up. And I had to learn the discipline and respect. And just hard work pays off. Four and a half years later, ten and a half years old, I had a black belt. And I can't say I can do all the moves anymore and this belt doesn't fit, that's for sure. But it definitely gave me the confidence to talk smack for a living.

And it helps. Not that I'm getting in fights, but I'm not going to back down when somebody is trying to grab a mic out of my hand at the garden. There were a lot. I was that. There were a lot. I was impressed. There were a lot. Particularly, I think, once you got to the top of the first row, there were, like, three guys up there. There was one guy.

He's the drunk. Get the fuck out of here. It helps to have one of Chappelle's bodyguards behind me. That gives me a little extra confidence, like a safety net. A safety net. Is your brain just always in, in like roast mode kind of? No. No, I have to turn it on.

You turn it on and off? I turn it on. Yeah. Because it's like a superpower. You don't want to walk around with that all the time. You turned it off when you put that sweatshirt on this morning. Come on, it's a nice one. I got it in Paris.

I thought I looked good. Sorry, I'm not wearing my grandma's sweater see what I mean it's defense it's self defense I don't even think about what you're wearing until you come at me

and then it's like immediately zero in on it do you have is there a science to it is it like okay let me look at their face let me look at their outfit

or is it just like it's not that it's not that like formulaic not that, like, formulaic. You just kind of go. You know. Because by now it seems like an art form. You know, it's like he must have a way. It's like listening.

It's like listening with your eyes. Like, I let the people tell me what's going on, what their vulnerabilities are. If someone's, like, you know, comes out of the audience with their high heels and their boobs hanging out and all confidence, and you can tell they get a lot of attention, I'll go for something they're not expecting. Or if somebody's kind of shy, I might ask them a few questions and find out what they're about.

The show that I'm doing now, I bring people up at the end as volunteers. You have to opt in. I do my whole show, and it has the end as volunteers you have to opt in like I do my whole show and they have a lot of emotional arcs to it but at the end I go this shows for you guys is I want it to be a celebration of life so if you're celebrating something or going through something stand up right now laughing laughing at yourself is healing so it has a little bit of a mission to it so i've been getting more and more sort of just eye-opening stories about people either they're getting married and they're on their honeymoon or they just you know came out of some crazy disease or they're in the middle of some you know family drama and that adds way more to the roast because now it builds attention and

then you cut through the tension, and it's just like, whoa, that's cathartic for everybody. It's evolving. The roasts are evolving. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's got to be very different between roasting someone in the crowd at MSG versus when you're on a dais and there's like, you know. I mean, the amount of material you have for one versus the other is night and day.

No, I do all that research, man. When I find out I'm roasting somebody, it's like method roasting. I become their biggest fan. I watch all the stuff. I read all the stuff. And my cousin Ed, who I work with, he'll hang up pictures of whoever. Like one day I came home and it was just pictures of Justin Bieber in every room of my house, in my car

in my rear view mirror so like I'm going to war you better be roasting that guy or it starts to get creepy exactly, it is strange when chicks come over and they're like why do you have all these pictures of Justin Bieber and Alec Baldwin on your wall

I popped in I have all these pictures of Justin Bieber and Alec Baldwin on your wall. I popped in your IMDB a few days ago, and we found out that you were going to be coming on. And obviously, you have a ton of roast stuff. But there were a few things where I was like, huh. What would you say the weirdest thing on your filmography is? Oh, my goodness. Or most unique thing, I suppose. Well, for whatever reason, lately I've been getting asked to do a lot of game shows. Oh, really?

I just won $100,000 for some school teacher on $100,000 Pyramid. Oh, wow. That's a great one. I love that one. I won this guy $100,000. It's, wow. That's a great one. I love that one. I won this guy $100,000. It's on Hulu right now. Yeah. And so, like, you know, to me, that's not roasting.

That's just some other thing where I get to use my wit and let it think. And, yeah, I got a movie coming out where I play a rabbi. Pete Farrelly's new movie with John Cena and Zac Efron. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I play a rabbi, which I never really think of myself like that, but I look in the mirror and I go, oh, I kind of get that. Yeah, I don't want to give too much away, but it's super funny. I'm a rabbi who gets roofied during a circumcision.

It's going to be far out. It's going to be a wild movie. So the other thing is like the later i sleep the more messages pile up on my phone and they're always like what adventure am i going to be going on what do i want to say hi to i'm doing a benefit this weekend like this week alone like you know tomorrow i'll go to uh la i'm hosting uh internet marketing awards th Thursday I'm in Houston for a bunch of oil guys, like a private gig. And then Sunday and Monday I'll be in Seattle doing a benefit with Eddie Vedder and his foundation. So I always think the exciting part about being a comic is that it's always different.

I never want to get in a routine. I like mixing it up and trying different types of comedy, different types of venues. That's why I'm out talking about this new show because I've never done a dramatic thing, and I'm doing more of a narrative solo show at the New York Comedy Festival, and I'm doing it in Chicago and St. Louis. It's based on something my grandfather used to say to me

when I was an open mic-er. I was starting out in New Jersey, and we kind of lived together, and I would take him to the doctor all day, and then at night I'd come into New York and do open mics. And he'd always give me a few bucks for the Holland Tunnel and a banana. And he'd say, take a banana for the ride. And, you know, I was like, what? I don't need a banana.

And then, of course, seven hours later, you're stuck in traffic with low blood sugar, and you're like, thank God I got this banana. You can use a fucking banana. It was his way of saying, I can't go with you, but I'm there with you on the ride for life. And I started thinking about losing Saget and Gilbert Gottfried and Norm MacDonald right in a row and all the guys that kind of made me who I am. And I started seeing similar themes in my stand-up that wasn't just punchlines

but had some sort of openness to it. And I started sewing it all together and I added some music. And it'll be the weirdest thing on that imdb page when it's all done so i'm gonna premiere a workshop of it in new york november 3rd 4th and 5th at the hard rock hotel there's a new state-of-the-art place called venue the venue with a big screen behind me so it'll feel like you're going to a play hell yeah but it's full of there's roasting at the end and all kinds of crazy yeah my crazy over-the-top comedy mixed through it.

It was listed as a one-man show. Yeah. Which is funny because it's like, technically, every stand-up act is a one-man show. But there's a different connotation to that word. Well, I don't like it because it means, like, usually it means me, me, me, I, I, I. So whatever the write-up was, I call it a communal cathartic experience about life and death for the audience. Like, I hate one-man show because the audience in my show is a big part of the show.

It's interactive. People come on stage, and I do a lot of interaction, asking the crowd questions and stuff about their lives. So to me, it can't be all about me like most one-person shows, solo shows. It's got to be paying it forward in some way, and that's kind of where this show is at. Is that going to be weirder than Cops and Robbers? Huh?

Is that going to be weirder than Cops and Robbers? What's Cops and Robbers? I don't know, 2017. Cops and Robbers? Yes's Cops and Robbers? I don't know. 2017. Cops and Robbers? Yes. You sure you got that right? Bro, I just double checked because I wanted to make sure. I don't even heard of that one.

Right there, bottom right. Who did I play? I don't know. Wait a second. Let me see this. I was going through stuff and I was like, yep, yep, yep, yep. And then I got the Cops and Robbers 2017. Cops and Robbers?

That sounds like a foreign name to some film. Very bottom right there. What the heck? You have no recollection of this? What the heck? Is it a different Jeff Ross? I'm not this piece of crap.

Somebody listed me in something I'm not in. Yeah, that's hilarious. Damn, alright. So that makes a lot more sense. Cops and Roasters. I did a roast of the Boston Cops once. Did you? That was pretty wild. How'd that go? It was hard, man. Cops have to

have the last word, so it was tricky. But in the end, I kind of won them over. They posted it up. It's still on Paramount+. You can watch it. When did you do that? I did it in 2016, I think. Jeff Ross rose cops. Yeah, I mean, that's popping up all over here. Jeff Ross rose cops. I did one in a maximum

security jail. I did one on the Mexican border fence. Really? I don't like doing stand-up special one in a maximum security jail i did one on the mexican border fence really i don't like doing stand-up specials like in a in a regular setting i like taking it to the people yeah doing kind of crazy attempts well what obviously you just listed three where i feel like you'd be very nervous going in what like what was the one where you felt like you were in the most danger oh man well i've been, I've been to Iraq a couple times. But I'm probably doing Brazos County Jail, a maximum security jail in Texas, full of gangbangers and white supremacists.

I'm just a Jewish kid from New Jersey making fun of these people. Didn't have a single friend in the place. No, I went early. I went for a week and made friends. I made friends with the people. I got to know everybody without really asking them what their crime was i just kind of like played basketball and had lunch and dinner over there and got to know everybody so by the time i was bringing them up on stage in their orange jumpsuits like they trusted me yeah it was pretty cool where my murder is at three guys in the second row raise their hand. It's like, what have I gotten myself into?

Now these guys are getting out, too. So I'm more nervous. Is that a fairly common thing for comics to perform in prisons? No, nobody. I know Bargatze has that bit about how he did it once. Oh, yeah? But I guess. I wrote to a thousand jails and prisons.

That was the only one that said yes. Really? Because I wanted to bring cameras in, and it has a Comedy Central special. So that's out there. You can watch. And to their credit, they have a lot of autonomy over their jails in Texas. So the sheriff there was like, all right, just give me a month's notice so that I can use it to get good behavior out of my team. No way.

Out of my inmates. And it wound up being very healing, I think, for the people there. Plus I did the women's dorm, and it was pretty intense. It's a pretty intense show. In your experience in the week there, are inmates happier or less happy than you imagined? Happy? I don't know if happy is the word. It was like the one the sort of motivating thing i said to them was if you can laugh at yourself you're one step closer to freedom

and that kind of got people up off their feet and wanting to be roasted and and uh they all had to write a little letter to the to the jailers saying why they wanted to be at the show so it wound up being a morale boost yeah for the guards and the inmates i guess that's what that's the word she's yeah is morale at a prison typically lower or higher than you expected well i was only in from i think when i was there they were all like pretty happy because it was like here's some guy who actually is like giving us a second look and now treating us like human dust that we keep in the dark. I was putting lights on them and bringing them on stage and making it fun. There's part of me going, should I really be doing this?

Because some of these guys are despicable. Some of them are just guys who had some tough breaks or they're drug addicts or they need a second chance. I'm a big believer in second chances and i sold weed in high school and you know i was lucky enough to be born white in new jersey so i didn't get in too much trouble could have been you it could have been me and there was a lot of guys who i said wow that could have been me so it was uh humanizing to the inmates for the people who watched uh i thought it really humanized the prison, the jail experience.

Plus, I learned a lot about incarceration, the death penalty, and solitary confinement, and how all that works. It was pretty interesting. The solitary confinement, my only knowledge of it is one single episode of Law & Order SVU

where Stabler goes into solitary confinement for like two days, and he thinks he's been in there two weeks and starts fighting everybody because he lost his mind I imagine it doesn't happen that fast I mean I couldn't handle it I would go nuts I need people so I consider solitary confinement torture uh so I'm against doing that to people uh are you typically like in your day-to-day life are you more solitary? I like people. I like to go the gamut. I need people around.

I work it out. I'm very social, but then when that's all over, I like to just chill. It took me a long time. My friend Sarah Silverman was like, Jeff, you could stay home. People always want to hang with you. You need to want to hang with yourself more. So I learned to chill, take a bath, hang with the dog. Yeah.

And, you know, got a nicer house. That helps. Yeah. But when I was living in those crappy studios. It's easy to hang out with yourself when your self is better than, you know. Nobody wants to hang out with yourself when your life is shitty. Right. Right.

And that helps. So, yeah, life's good now. And it's allowing me to try new things creatively and stuff once you feel a little more settled. Yeah. I was going to say, you are known as the roast guy, of course, right? Some people, I feel like whether you're typecast as a role in a specific role or a movie or a song or whatever, they get a little resentful of that thing. Are you ever, like, sick of, like, I don't want to be known as the roast guy. I want to be known as, you know, this guy or that guy. I guess there was a time early on where everybody made fun of me for just being the roast guy. And then over time I was like, you've got to be known for something.

Yeah, yeah. You know, like, you need a lane. Right. And it was Chappelle who said, man, make that lane a six-lane highway. Yeah. And take it to the limit, man. Take it all the way. And that's sort of what I was.

That's awesome. So then I started saying, well, all right, I don't need to just roast celebrities in tuxedos. When they're ready, let me just start roasting the fans at my shows. Oh, yeah. Let me go to a jail and do a roast. And, you know, let me do a solo show and bring people up and talk to them about their lives and put some roasting in that. And then the roast battle started. So it's like a worldwide movement now.

Yeah. So I like that. I like having a brand. Yeah. Because that's exactly what it is. And now when I'm walking here through Midtown, everyone's like, who's next? What's the next roast? Where can I get roasted?

What's going on, Roastmaster? It's so much better than just going, oh, that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your worst roast, meaning meanest, worst reaction where they couldn't handle it? Oh, wow. Man, there's been a few. There's been a few over the years.

But, man, something will pop into mind. But for the most part, I'm so careful, guys, about consent. Like back in the day, comics would just come out and make fun of the crowd. I guess they still do, you know, in the front row or whatever. And I do that a little bit. But if you're going to get roasted, I need you to, the lights come on, you need to stand up and go, me. And once you come up there and go, I want it, give it to me, Roastmaster, then I'm in. So rarely do I have one backfire.

You know, every now and then it'll be a chick who'll, you who'll be up there because she thinks I'm going to talk about her boobs or her outfit. And I'll just make fun of her crooked teeth. And then I'll get smacked because they're not ready for it. Oh, yeah, all the time. Really? No fucking way. I've gotten a little bit better at it. But every now and then they'll give you a whack.

Dude, that black belt's not helping you there. It's okay. I kind of like it and uh and it means i hit a nerve it means i hit a nerve and it's kind of fun and the audience obviously goes bananas when you do something like that you know when you really like have a moment with somebody so you know the the roast for the most part you know once you opt, and even if people are like, roast my friend, roast, I won't do it. That's bullying. They have to go, I want it. And then it's always a home run.

If you're having fun, then everyone has fun, you know? I feel like sometimes people think they can handle it and are not prepared, though. You know what I mean? That might be. But that's more like for bachelor parties or a birthday party. They go, oh, my friends want to roast me for my retirement or whatever. But I roast people that are made. I try to roast people that have thick skin, that are confident,

that they're not going to be brittle. Right, right. You've got to be real careful. There's a famous story about Ann Coulter. She just couldn't handle it at the Rob Lowe roast. I remember that. We gave her so much good ammo for her to be self-effacing

and to come back at us, but she wouldn't do it. That was kind of like her last moment. She kind of disappeared after that. Isn't that funny? Interesting. Wow. What a shame that was. She kind of disappeared after that. Isn't that funny? Interesting. Wow. I see what happens.

I see. You see what's going on. What a shame that was. It's the power of the roast. Yeah, you're right. That's what I say. Laughter is healing. It's a gateway to freedom.

And if you can't laugh at yourself, you're probably going to get stuck in a rut. Yeah. I'm trying to think of anybody else who I like nobody else got like you know like Bieber sticks out of my mind, Hasselhoff there's ones that stick out but they were they were like okay

Bieber? Bieber called us said he roasts me that was the best sorry what were you saying? just when they come to us Us said roast me. I do remember. That was the best. Sorry, sorry. What were you saying? Just when they come to us and go, we want to be roasted, it's the best. Do you think that's ever, like, do you ever feel like,

because I remember Bieber at that time wasn't, like, the most beloved. Hannibal Buress said it. Remember him? Yeah, Hannibal Buress was like, I don't like you. He was like, you know, I hope you have fun at this incredibly transparent attempt to be viewed as likable by the general public. But it worked because he knew he had the goods.

He had a good album coming down real soon after that. And it worked. I mean, the roast was like a reboot. It was like clear history for him. And once he laughed at himself he owned everything it became sky's the limit have you ever said no to someone who you thought like you don't deserve what he's gonna do for you yeah of course man sometimes just like i don't know that's a one note or that person doesn't even seem like they could take a joke and do you do it because of

like like that you can take a joke or because you don't think they're worthy of the turnaround they'll give them. It helps if I'm a fan or a friend. But if I'm a fan, that's really the key. My mantra is I only roast the ones I love. And if you're not somebody who's making the world better or entertaining, I don't know, if they just looking for attention yeah yeah it's not a good roast yeah that may i mean that makes sense if someone's trendy and popular at the moment that could be fun if you like what they're doing and what they're saying in the world like like i wish we could roast lizzo right now it's so much fun but dude we were what lizzo got in trouble for that whole amsterdam thing we did that with burt kreischer like i don't know six months before

it happened like went to that very bar did the banana bar i don't know really no i heard about that went to the banana bar we were eating fucking bananas out of strippers pussies like exactly what would really make people do we're like wow made us do that yeah it was like it's kind of exactly what she described where it's a group thing. Everybody's doing it. Of course. My show's called Take a Banana for the Ride. I'd be down with that in a second.

I didn't say it when you were saying it, but it's so funny. My dad is the same way. Really? You got a banana in the car? A little potassium. Get a pinch. You could use it as a dildo. It's a self-help show, really.

Yeah. could use it as a dildo it's a self-help show really yeah i don't know how lizzo can fat shame anybody when lizzo is short for lasagna you know she got fired off the uh super bowl halftime show did she but she still gets to go to the game because she got drafted by the denver broncos the um did roasting just like naturally happen or like like you you know you say yes to a couple and next thing you know it's your thing or were you like i didn't i didn't know i'd be good at it right i just tried it it looked fun they had trouble getting people it was like a long time ago i was like i'll try it i like hanging with the old guys and see what goes on and i just had a natural jersey ball busting sort of knack for it yeah and i started when i started like putting my writing skills and developing

joke writing into it and then research and my the fact that i was a fan of so many actors and directors and musicians i was like this is a great way to see the world, meet the world. Suddenly I'm meeting people, and they would come to these New York Friars roasts, politicians and rock stars and athletes, and I was like, this is definitely a path no one else has taken. So it just became kind of this happy accident. You mentioned see the World there,

and you actually mentioned it on stage when you were at MSG, too. Are you, like, is that a big thing for you, getting to travel and see the world with comedy? It is. It's like a backstage pass to the world. Good way to put it. You know, I get to go. I've been to war zones.

I've been to, you know, just the White House. Yeah, I mean, I like seeing things that most people don't get to see. Like this shitty fucking room you guys got here. Look at this place, man. Look how many fucking wires are down there. Wires is the least of the problem here, man. We were just talking about how we need to gut the whole fucking thing. I've seen hostage videos with a better budget than this fucking show.

Jesus. It's bad. At least we got a dick in your face right there. Who's your decorator, Hamas? It is. You know what? That's nice. People come in here all the time.

They're like, wow, what a great studio. I'm like, don't fucking lie to me, dude. Don't lie to me. This is a studio? I see it too, bro. I thought this was one of those midtown refugee centers it's so bad it's so bad it's so bad we're doing it this week we're fixing it this fucking week hey whatever works man what do you think of our gigantic uh sliding uh door wall i didn't even notice that.

Is that what that is? For some reason, it opens and closes like a big door. A regular wall was too convenient. Yeah, so rather than have a wall, we just turned it into a door wall. It's like a weird safe house. Wow. Fucking awful, man. Do you get roasted?

I know people do the daus like but have has there ever been the roast of jeff ross there's never been a roast on me so that's gotta happen right i feel like gotta be you know at some point i have to prove that i can dish it out but that i can also take it so i do imagine that if ross is like stop making fun of me, guys. Fun of you guys. I am sensitive. And to prove that I can take a joke, I opened my new show, Roasting Myself. I make a bunch of jokes on my own. I don't want to give too many away because it's a pretty crazy part of the show. Did you go to your actual insecurities? You really roasted yourself?

I just looked in the mirror. I guess I do kind of look like Voldemort's lawyer. Yeah, so I go for it with myself. I have alopecia, so it took me a long time to admit it, joke about it. So it's sort of like a way to kind of be self-deprecating at the top of my show and let people in a little bit was was that a hard thing it was it was like just one day i had a big jufero and then like yeah clumps are coming out and all in a couple weeks i'm like i thought i was dying or something you still got some some brows yeah they come and go they kind of do their own thing and

you know medication and other stuff and i really thought i was a goner i didn't know what it was at that point i didn't know i had alopecia i thought i had something that was going to kill me and turns out i was fine i was just transitioning into if amazon sold a jeff bezos blow-up doll that's what you get me now vin diesel if he were neither fast nor furious what's it called Fast and the Furious dude that fucking

that reminds me of something I meant to bring up on the show today I was doing the New York Times crossword today and one of the clues was the hunk of the

Fast and Furious franchise who would you say that is Vin Diesel Tyrese Vin Diesel or The Rock right I would have said Paul Walker,

but the answer was Dwayne Johnson. Wow, that's crazy! Yeah, but it's a crossword puzzle, so it could be more than one, but it has to be the one that fits. Yeah, Dwayne Johnson's the one that fits. It's not a trivia question. That's bullshit. I got it right. It should say a hunk.

But even Dwayne Johnson, if we can get a little gay for a second, he's too big to be a hunk. I think a hunk's a little more spelt. He's more of a chunk. Yeah. He's a beef. I did a roast battle with The Rock once. That was pretty fun.

Really? You were roasting him or you were writing for him? No, we roasted each other in front of like 40,000 troops of Pearl Harbor in Hawaii. No shit. Did he write his own shit or did he ask for it? He worked hard on it. He was good. He was good. I gave him the win.

You gave him the win? How often do you do that? Not too often. I roast battle Blake Griffin and I beat him, but not by much. He's a funny guy. He was super funny. It's fun when big stars let themselves

get made fun of like that. It shows a lot of integrity. You ever see the famous Blake Griffin tweet? I don't know. Oh, it's my favorite tweet of all time. What is it? It's during the Casey Anthony trial. Uh-huh.

All-time tweet. I'm going to have to look it up real quick so I get it exactly right. I don't know that one. It's so funny. It's actually such an example of what Twitter used to be versus what it is now, where it's like, it was just an extreme of consciousness. I'm just going to send this tweet. I'm sure nothing will come of it.

He said, accidentally hit a squirrel yesterday in my car. Feel so guilty I could barely sleep. Casey Anthony is a monster. Wow. It's one of the greatest tweets all time. I never heard that. Blake, going in. I admire him for that.

You went for it there, Blake. I admire him for that. Comedy. Just like a little bump in the road, like, I can't believe Casey. Wow. Comedy. Who would you say is your uh your competition competition as like top roaster wow you know i mean pete davidson's amazing at it when he does it i think we're going to do another one

hopefully soon uh jeselnik obviously is a fucking monster in that world. And, uh, I miss Jessel Nick is, would probably be like the, the premier. I mean, I feel like I, you know, if you don't think of Jeff Ross on a roast,

I just don't think you've seen many. Right. Thank you. Um, I feel like it's pretty automatic, but Jessel Nick is, is right there. Oh,

he's unbelievable. He works so hard on his jokes. I think, uh, I feel like Nikki Glaser did a bunch. I mean, she's unstop He works so hard on his jokes. I feel like Nikki Glazer did a bunch. I mean, she's unstoppably funny

at those roasts. And she can get away with just so much because she's so lovable. So you just want to have her keep going and piling on. And she's a great person, too.

If you could roast one person, who would it be? Wow. The ones I dream about are, for some some reason the rock stars like bob dylan springsteen stevie wonder those guys that are getting up there but they have such iconic legend status that the jokes would be so funny yeah oh my god i saw stevie wonder the other

day i was thinking that would be the best roast. Where did you see Stevie Wonder? I saw him at a memorial. He sang at a memorial that I was at. Where did he see you? Yeah, exactly. In his dreams. But, you know, blind jokes, you know, you don't get to do those very often.

And, you know, yeah, so some of the, you know, people that are so made that the jokes would just bounce off them and they would just be laughing and having fun. That's kind of the goal. Keith Richards would obviously be a great roast. Bill Clinton, Obama. I roasted Trump a couple times. Did you? Politicians are pretty fun, too. We just had Mark Smalls in the you know in california it does a

podcast called country club adjacent and they had a series where they i guess they try and make golfers step off their ball and they did it at trump national and they did it with trump and he uh he roasted trump i guess trump mar-a-lago or whatever had just gotten rated and he roasted him about that. And we were like, did he have a good sense of humor about it? And he goes, no. No, he didn't. Which surprised me.

I thought Trump would be laughing at that. He's fucking bulletproof. The times I've roasted him, he was a great sport. Really? Yeah. But then when he actually got into office, he stopped doing the White House correspondence roasts. And I did bump into him. And I kind of gave him shit for that. I was like,

man, that was fun. Yeah, what the fuck? You should let us... Yeah, of course. I have a picture of myself in the Oval Office going, what the fuck, dude? And you can just see him going like... Any excuse? He was just like, uh... I'm the president now. Shut the fuck up. He didn't really say why and I did

say it would be good for him to laugh at himself a little bit. It's a great American tradition. Totally. But now he's so far past that. What were you doing in the Oval Office? I was there. I was in town.

Chappelle was getting the Mark Twain Prize, so I went for lunch to the White House. I got invited by some staffers, and next thing I knew, I was getting walked into the Oval Office. Just my girlfriend and I. And it was a total surprise. No shit. Yeah, I walked in. He wasn't in there. It was like the CIA director and the National Security Advisor and a bunch of lawyers waiting for him.

They had just, like, killed some terrorist. And they wanted to talk about it. And suddenly here he comes down, walking down the hall like Darth Vader. And I was like, whoa, okay. What do you do? So you walk into the Oval Office, and there's a CIA director and all these people. Do you sit on the couch, or do you start fiddling with stuff around the office? I knew that they were all waiting for him, so I didn't want to be that guy that overstayed his welcome.

But you could tell other staffers he'd been having a bad day the president had better he had been impeached that day or the early days of an impeachment so they were like anything that you know cheer the boss up because you know i know trump a long time i've been to mar-a-lago and i've done you know various shows for him and he used to come to the roasts all the time and i roasted him a couple times and so you know when i see him it's not politics he just wants to talk about don rickles and joan rivers and i even said what would joan say about all this he's like uh he tried to tell me that she would have she told him to run for president i was like we all told you but we didn't know it was going to end up like this.

Yeah, so man, like I said, a backstage pass to the world. It's totally surreal when I look back and think about all the amazing experiences. Where's the most interesting place that you think you've been? Wow. Outside. Obviously you have like Oval Office and War Zone and stuff like that. Something a regular person could visit. That's a good question. Hmm. Wherever's next? Oh! The old Tom

Brady. What's my favorite ring? The next one, baby! It's not this place, I'll tell you that. Jesus. Is this the worst place you've ever been? No, come on. This is fine. You got good lights. Got some guy back there touching his dick. I don't know what he's doing. Yeah, he made one of the

gravest mistakes of all time once. We had Ari on and Ari just asked him to see his phone. Ari tweeted the N-word. I watched it and he was like, here we go. He said I hit black people. Racist vitriol hate. He's so fearless

and crazy I remember watching him hand it over and I was like Donald do that to his hands was that the same day

Ari showed up with a fucking man pawn in he had a fucking bunch of toilet paper shoved up his ass because he had a hemorrhoid burst

about Ari Shafir yeah and then he during the show he fucking he leaned over and took it out, and I got up and rang, so I was like,

I don't know what the fuck R is going to do with this, and he just placed it on top of my phone. I got a new phone that day. The heck are you guys doing in here? This is one of the weirdest conversations I've ever had, but I like it. I like it. It's hilarious.

Where are you from originally? Newark. Newark. So you cut your teeth in the New York club? Yeah, New York comedy club scene. I haven't really taken a big look back until recently. I was looking at old pictures the other day, digging out old boxes. Because in the show that I'm doing at the comedy festival

i have a screen behind me and i like i have a picture of my high school bedroom so when i talk about that i'm like in that room i talk about the queen fucking prince philip for the last time so i have her bedroom behind me like but but yeah similar bedrooms. I started out doing comedy in New York and New Jersey, and I would drive in every night. I lived with my grandfather at the time and had some jokes about him. It was just sort of like an escape from, like, I was just some fat loser living in New Jersey with my sick Pop Jack. So comedy kind of was like a creative outlet and a chance to make friends and meet chicks and the whole thing. It saved my life.

Worked out pretty goddamn well, man. Gave me a life. Gave me a life. Worked out pretty damn well. Now you got the one-man show. Yeah, man. That's November 3rd through the 5th. 3rd, 4th, and 5th in New York, right here in New York,

at the Hard Rock Hotel, the place called Venue. Where's the Hard Rock Hotel? It's actually at 48th and 6th. York, right here in New York at the Hard Rock Hotel, the place called Venue. Where's the Hard Rock Hotel? It's actually at 48th and 6th. Yeah, it's gorgeous. Is it new? Yeah, it looks brand new. I think the venue is less than a year old. Very cool.

And then I'm going to do it in Chicago November 1st, and I'm going to do it in St. Louis I think the 11th or 12th. I'm hitting Brea, California, and then I'm going to get down to West Palm and do it. I've been doing workshops of it, and they've been going so well, I keep adding dates because I like doing it, and I feel like it's cathartic for the audience too. It's a different feel than the other shows you've seen me do, but just as funny, hitting just as hard with the roast shit, but with a little more heart and story to it.

There's some songs in there. You do songs? I sing. I don't sing well, but one of them is called Don't Fuck With The Jews. And it's kind of like a – You have the song? Oh, yeah. You got to get that on Spotify right now, dude.

People keep saying I got to put it out, but I like people having to come to the show to see it so they hear it in full context. I sing a song. I have two German shepherds, so I sing one song as a German shepherd with basically being about a Nazi that doesn't follow orders. So, yeah, the show's pretty irreverent and out there. And I'm like a little kid. You know when you were a kid, you had a little league game, and you woke up, and you just couldn't wait to suit up and get out there?

It's kind of how I feel. I ran the show last night. I did kind of a pop-up downtown from midnight to 2 a.m., 1230 to 2 a.m., and I was like, this works now? No shit. It's going to kill at eight o'clock yeah and so i'm really feeling good about it that's why i'm coming in and talking about it because it's like normally i'm just like yeah i got a gig yeah but this is like special to me because yeah i wear my grandfather's ring i was gonna ask about the really oh yeah i just know i'm like i

don't see a lot of rings on middle fingers this is a bolt from a nazi u-boat from world war ii no my grandfather was a ship builder in in baltimore during world war ii and at some point i watched a documentary about this they captured a nazi sub the allies were losing the war these u-boats were crushing the u.s navy british navy so this navy captain decided he wanted to capture one and they captured one it was booby trapped but they sent a crew in they were managed to tow it all the way back to like i think the bahamas or something they painted it u.s colors so that so that spy planes wouldn't see it they told the germans that they sank it and everyone was dead, but they kept the crew, like, till the end of the war

and made the crew teach them how the numbers work and how all the codes worked. And at some point, that U-boat made its way to Baltimore Harbor, and my grandfather, like, pulled a bolt off it and made a ring. He wore it till he died, and he said, when I die, take it off me, and I did, and I do. And then I just found out that that was the only Nazi U-boat that made it back to America.

It's in Chicago. I'm going to go see it next week. Really? That's very funny. Right the day before my show there, I'm going to go check it out. It's on display. So it's like, wow. So I've been digging deep into my history and figuring out all kinds of stuff i wouldn't normally think about too much

yeah so yeah so whenever i need a little like pep talk a little that world beater energy that my grandfather had i tapped the i tapped the the ring on a piece of metal and that's in the show too it's all sort of you know kind of heartwarming but yet you know obviously still a good kick in the balls laugh wise too it's the name of the game man yeah take a banana for the ride i hope you guys can come see it i'd love to very much ride yeah awesome bro thank you so much this is so fun thank you very much despite the surroundings you guys are all right. Thank you, fellas. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.