KFC Radio - Feits' Blog Wages a War Against The Third Floor Ft. Jeremiah Watkins and Hanna Dickinson

Episode Date: April 6, 2023

Timecodes 00:00:00 Start 00:00:25 Feits' Blog waging war against the 3rd floor 00:29:04 Jackie's Feitelberg story 00:41:10 Feitelberg Wet Room Story 01:00:29 Feits is wearing a bandaid for black people 01:04:54 AITA 01:15:10 Video Voicemails 01:39:39 Jeremiah Watkins and Hanna Dickinson Interview Previews ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Pirate Water: Go to barstool.link/drinkpiratewater to find pirate water in a location near youYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

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Live for the 2023 One-show-only tour. One show. One show. Presented by Pirate Water. More than one drink. Multiple drinks. One show. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network.

We've got the bad boy of Barstool. The Barstool renegade is here. He's on the last chopper out of Saigon. John Henry Feidelberg, the man who said I will not go silently into the night. Someone's got to do it. There's got to be a line.

It's crazy. It's one of those things where you just give a mouse a cookie and you let it go a little further. They come for them and then I didn't do anything. They came for come for them and I didn't do anything. They came for the other people and they didn't do anything. Then they came for me and nobody took anything from me or something like that.

Finally, here I am. That's what Winston Churchill said. Was it Churchill? No. Didn't think so. I believe it was an American. Theodore Roosevelt or Teddy or Franklin or anything like that. It was fucking... Benjamin Franklin. No. It was a lesser known that. It was fucking... Benjamin Franklin.

No. It was a lesser-known patriot. It was John Adams. No, I'll know the name when I hear it. It's John Hancock. Who was it? Thomas Aquinas. Yeah.

Oh, I thought you knew the answer. I'm trying to look it up. All right, yeah. Well, you're... I'm trying my best over here. I also didn't give her the quote, so if you don know the quote i just yeah it was gibberish you know it was uh not nathan fielder it's something like nathan fielder nathan fielder yeah that's a fucking comic isn't it no that's not it it can't be first they came for the communists and i did not speak out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pastor and Martin Niemoller.

All right. That's close to Nathan Fielder. It's close to Benjamin Franklin. That's closer to Nathan Fielder than Benjamin Franklin is. Whatever. Fuck the third floor. So Barstool Sports has been turning into a company the last 10 years. And when you turn into a big media company you lose a lot of your edge

and a lot of the uh it's truly like if you don't die to here you become the villain totally if you like you're or if you do this internet game for long enough like it becomes that way it's just when you start it you are like what barstool started we were making fun of all the big companies and and you're like, fuck that. But when you start a company like that, not that we started it, obviously, but best case scenario is you become one of them. Totally. I mean, it's like you make fun of the Met Gala until you get your invite. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you're dressed like an asshole and you love it. When you start a band, you want to be on the radio eventually making top 40 hits. It's only the hipster assholes who will not do that even if they succeed. They're like, no, no, no. We're going to keep it. Well, not all. We didn't sell out. We didn't sell out.

I think we haven't sold out. You don't think so? No. Collin, can you get me some more um chickpeas please i was got food runners getting us into that one there i um barcelo's weird though because it's like in one breath we are like a completely rudderless ship of a $600 million company where people are like, does anybody know who's in charge here? Yeah. But then on the other side of things, we have a lot of the corporate, like the ancillary things that go on in corporate America, such as HR doing like health challenges, who can lose the most weight and who can do the most steps.

Anybody who does those step challenges is a loser uh and then the latest was i gotta read it verbatim because i i mean i can't even do it justice without it is one of the things that i got into barstool to get out of like i i left deloitte because i i was like i need to you know i can't work at a company that's like this corny how can i not possibly find this okay uh so we got an email from the third floor scroll down a little bit and it said get ready to putt caps locks put anything your emphasis on is literally emphasized yeah little catalogs uh get ready to putt. Caps locks. Putt your... Anything Kevin's emphasis on is literally emphasized. Yeah, little cap locks. Get ready to putt your work away and come par-

tee with the ad sales team. We will be shooting our shot on 4-12 at 5pm on the third floor. This happy hour will be un-for-gettable. So make sure you clear your schedule and accept the calendar invite. No ifs, ands, or putts,

don't for get to bring your a game for an office mini golf tournament with T Rific prizes. Now here, let me, let me, yeah, I was going to say, let me just say a few things.

First of all, the overall general tone of this is the problem, but let's say, let's say, let's throw that out too many puns. And they went to the well, like three times on four yeah you gotta have new ones every single time fucking put your work away par and t i actually appreciate the double par uh the double pun with par and t yeah but but you can't go four two or three times i don't appreciate it and you can't go terrific prizes no it is that

one you change the whole word. So you have to go to Google Research for a couple more. A couple more phrases, you know. This is the death of Barstool Sports. It's real. We've done this a couple times, but this is the last day on the call. Barstool's died a million times. A million times.

But I think we're done now. I think we're done. I think it's over. We can maybe. We can probably pack it up. This is probably're done now. I think we're done. I think it's over. Like we, we can maybe, we can probably pack it up. This is probably our last show. No, this is it.

I mean, we, you guys, you know, like you're not going to get paid anymore. It's over. Yeah. You guys want to update the resis.

Like, yo, like, like me and John are not going to come in anymore. We're not going to do this. You guys can go work for, you know, the ad sales on the 13th,

on the third floor or something. It is. We're going to be – we're done. It was. And look, here, obviously, we're making entertainment out of this and we're having some fun. And there's some exaggerations and there'll be shit like that too. But like I read this last night and I literally was like – I started pacing my apartment. I was like, what the fuck happened?

Yeah, where did we go wrong? I started pacing my apartment. I was like, what the fuck happened? Yeah, where did we go wrong? I said in the blog, we're having fun. If you want to let people lie to us, I'd be like, John, do you give a shit about this? I probably fucking don't. You're on the third floor. Have your fucking fun. I don't really fucking care.

Don't have me on the email invite. I don't know why the fuck that is there. I don't know. If that's what gets you through the day doing data or ad sales or whatever, what the fuck do I care? This is the thing. Does this affect the content that we're making? No. You can still come to KC. I actually think we've done a good job of

keeping some of the old Barstool alive. We've been stirring the pot a little bit. Mean Girls and Kelly. We brought them in. When they go viral, we make fun of them. We brought Nate on to roast everybody. Rhea was taking some shots i think we we are kind of the last place that's doing that you know so like it's not going to change the content but it changes the atmosphere the vibe of the place and here's the biggest problem with it is there are people who are genuinely mad about the blog right that's that's that's how you know there's a problem so it is that honestly maybe that email that email was god that email was a

fucking shotgun in the mouth of arsenal sports but even now fucking its corpse is the fact that they're actually mad about it so here's what i think like there are people i i this is this is an indictment of two things this is an indictment of two things this is an indictment of I think human resources on the whole I think it's up there

with nurses and teachers I think it's a job that it's necessary Jeff it's going way further I think it's necessary but like

it's necessary to like protect employees from like harmful shit right yeah but that doesn't happen all that often so what do you gotta do you gotta fill your time with other shit but like it's necessary to like protect employees from like harmful shit. Right. Yeah. But that doesn't happen all that often. So what do you got to do?

You got to fill your time with other shit. It's a rare a groping happens around. Never nary a grope, nary a grope in these walls. So then all of a sudden you go from HR to party planning committee and party planning committee is like, how do I make this look like important? And you know,

you do like, let's make emails. Let's make the company fun important and you know you do like let's make emails let's make the company fun yeah and it's like i get it and whatever do your thing it's really not the the biggest deal like like i said it's not like i read this and my content starts to suck but it's like it's just like you know the whole vibe of the place well you know what it is it's like we what we're doing at KFC Radio, trying to keep that alive, that we shouldn't have to try to keep that alive. It should just be, but it's not because of things like this,

because the atmosphere just gets ripped to shreds. And I get it. You have a company with, I think, 400 people, 300 people now. Like, not everyone liked Barstool. Someone just needs to fucking put food on the table. That is what it is, right? Yeah, like, I just sell this, or I support that that i do operations for this but this technology like it has nothing

to do with like the renegade pirate ship but i don't know that that's how that's what that's when you know when everybody used to be a pirate we were all the pirate ship now it's like there's just some regular ass people and that's fine we can't be like you know we're almost being like you know he man woman hater club like you gotta be cool to be in my club but it's like then let's just admit though that it's yeah like we're not a cool company anymore the head that's for sure fucked like barstool sports is not cool anymore right that is and that's a part of getting really big you're not cool anymore when you're the fucking mountain yeah it's like we are the company that other companies want to be.

That inherently makes you uncool. And now we got to get cool again. It's not going to happen. We're too big. No, you can't be cool. I have hope for, for Barcelona,

New York, and we can just kill all these people. We just wipe out these people. We're fine. Well, HR was already mad at me from the blog. Now we think. They're probably going to take.

Yeah. They're probably gonna be we yeah they're probably gonna be upset about me saying we have to kill all of them i might take umbridge with the death be more specific about it how would you do it i meant i meant you know i meant you know fire them no it's just more like Like, how do you think this is, like, a good idea? One of my hesitations in the blog was, like, maybe it's a joke. And I thought on it. And I texted a few people.

No, it's not. And everyone's like, it's definitively not a joke. It's not the first email like this. It's not funny. I think that doing, like, corporate happy hours in general are awful. I'm like, go have your real friends and your real family. Get the fuck out of here. But I understand that these things.

I don't mind. Like I've been to these. If they just said like, we're getting together for drinks, like come by. And then if you went there and there was a putting green and it was like, who can get a putt for a hundred bucks or whatever. Okay, cool. We just don't need the punny email. Yeah. And I know this sounds almost like we're like it's like shut up you man babies i don't know i don't know i think this matters i think people who work in office like this is the stuff that makes you go i want to blow my head off right this is the stuff that

made me be like i gotta get the fuck out of deloitte it. And now I'm back in it, John. I don't know. And then I've had... A little inside Barstool, so to speak. No one's talked to me personally. Well, they have watched the counterattack. They've watched the counterattack, which is fine. That I appreciated from Gabby. I will say

she was trying to come in. We were recording, so that's why she left it outside. She should have fucking kicked in the door. I don't know if she's actually mad or not. Shut up, you fucking pussies, and hit you in the face with a putter. And I would have been like, that's Barstool Sports. I don't know if she's actually mad or not. It seems like she's having fun with it.

Fantastic. Oh, no, no, no. They're having fun with it, but they're not happy. Well, that's what I've heard. I've heard from... Listen, I've heard... Like I said, no one's talked to me personally, but I've heard from birdies. I've been on this planet Earth long enough to know that when you come for people and trivialize their job and what they do –

I wasn't trivializing their job. I was calling an email fucking lame. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's what – And that's what the crazy thing to me is writing that email, you're typing it, and you're like, this is fucking lame. There's like – If you're typing an email and you're like, I've sent lame emails before. I'm like, oh, thank you very much.

So nice to meet you. I'm like, I'm being a fucking dork right now. That's one thing. Because you're doing your job and you get to be a dork sometimes. If you're doing it like, I'm crushing it. I'm sure it's somewhere in between. I don't think they were like,

I'm going to move into content next. Do you want me to invite her down? Not really. So the counterattack is a picture of John eating his 60 servings of mangoes. And it says, you didn't make the cut, another pun, and you overshot your shot. And what I do appreciate is the disinvitation. There was a letter. Were there puns in that one as well?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's hanging over there. Unfortunately, you did not make the cut. Sorry to inform you, but we do not allow bogeys at our happy hours. You have been cordially disinvited from the party. Bye-bye, Birdie. I do appreciate committing to the, like the like i'm just gonna keep hitting them with puns yeah uh and the call back to the disney

channel teacher which is what you call the person in your blog but um and i appreciate that even just have a little fun with it i do think though that like these people went home to their husbands or wives and they were like you are not gonna to believe what happened to work it is it is that sucks probably probably and you know what i don't fucking care nope i because you know what because it's like you know what do you know what's happened to like me at work over the years do you know what's happened to other like the real people at barstool over the years at work a lot fucking worse than this let me tell you what it is i nick said i'm hitting my that i am hitting the part right now it's just like one of those like i said it in the article in the fucking blog but you're hitting a part he said i'm hitting my final form yeah yeah i do think i think we i

think a lot of people have been saying to us recently oh you guys are letting that fly huh i think it's it's it's just that like i said in the blog, I've played the good soldier. I've shut the fuck up and just fucking done my job for a decade. For 14 years. I'm kind of tired of it. If something sucks, I'm going to go, that fucking sucks. Why? Because we are a run of the ship. No one fucking cares anymore.

Nobody cares. I used to be scared of someone getting mad at me. doesn't it's not gonna happen anymore well it's not even like there's you know what it was there was a it wasn't even like i'm afraid to someone's gonna be mad at me it was like it was dave i just didn't want dave to give me a hard time but and but you know what it came from a place of it's almost like um you know to compare it to comedy since we've been doing so much comedy in the last few years like when we hear stories from just stephano and these guys about sitting at the the table at the comedy cellar where it's like the biggest baddest comics would fucking roast you and you had to be on point and it's like i remember being around i was like these are all

the funniest guys on the internet all my colleagues all my co-workers and i don't want to be like the lame one who fucking has the the bad joke or the or like the bad blog and it keeps you on your toes because it's like we don't there is a time and a place to just laugh at someone's shitty joke in the middle of a two-hour podcast somebody says something you go yeah in the middle of a conversation and i will continue in the middle of a conversation at you know you're talking to some acquaintances and they say something that's not funny and you go but like when it's about protecting the fucking what made us us and not this shit this is i you said it in your video like i used to say send me all of your emails like this and i would post them in one of the longest running blog series I had, Cubicle Chronicles.

I was like, send me all your terrible tales as a cube monkey and I'll blog about them. And they would get worse and worse and worse. And people would be like, oh my God, there's no way that mini golf email was real, is it? I was like, yeah, man, that was at deloitte or whatever and we would make fun of it and we had like and that's what made us different and that's what made us funny and that's what made us a place where people were like fuck that like yeah we're with these guys and now we're those now we're there for them it's it is what it is i guess it is i i do think it's impossible to get successful and stop it yeah yeah it's going you to – because we started hiring people from companies we made fun of and then we just became that company.

And I'm like I would love to – I would love to say – we have an interview with Rowan that's coming out on Monday and we kind of talked about the state of the leadership. And like part of me would love if there was like a formal like you guys now run this like you are the bosses of new york you guys make all these decisions because i think we would be like we're not going to do things like this right but also like i don't want that gig yeah and i don't think anybody does that's why it's rudderless right now because it's like i don't want to have to police the third floor to make sure that they fall in line with like our our corporate our culture and our humor and i don't want to have to be like let's not make it corporate let's make it funny and let you know it's like that's hard too i don't do that but the i came here to just be funny not deal with any of this shit yeah and that's and that's kind of like we said with keegs too at

the end of the day it's everyone's doing their job like this is someone's job i appreciate that they have to make that's fine do a party my job is to make fun of stupid shit right this is stupid so we should but and if it was all good then we're good and maybe we are maybe reading into it too much but if what we're hearing is true that people are like upset about it's like well now you're you've double proved the point and actually that's worse than the initial oh i completely initial things like whatever you know that you'd be funny you weren't when i walked in i thought people would be like and by the way there is like, whatever. I thought you'd be funny. You weren't. When I walked in, I thought people would be like – and by the way, there is like I guess like maybe some dead rabbits, if I'm remembering Gangs of New York correctly,

where it's like still the old underground. I got a lot of texts, a lot of people reaching out from the – From the old guard. The old guard. Not even the old guard. Even people who just started working for us in New York. Respected guard. Being like, thanks for writing that blog.

Dang, blah, blah, blah. So there is still a heartbeat left. Right. It's fucking on life support, but there's still a heartbeat left. But then I also heard that HR, someone said to HR, that's a funny blog. They said, wrong crowd. And they were like, you're not talking to the right people. Yeah.

That's a tough crowd. Talk about that. Yeah. That's a tough crowd. Talk about that. Yeah. That blog was great. Thank you. Should I just read it? I kind of want to read it. Because if you're listening.

Yeah, let me just read it. Can you make it a little bit bigger? Because I'm getting old. I just opened the email. I'm going to read it because you don't want to read it, right? Yeah. I was going to say, you can do it, but I know you don't want to do it. I just opened my email for the first time today, 825 you don't want to read it right yeah yeah i was gonna say you could do it but i know you don't want to do it i just opened my email for the first time today 8 25 p.m see even that's funny like people don't appreciate how funny that is like i legit did not send an email for about three to four years there was a period i think from i would say 2019 to 2022

2023 i didn't send an email and now i gotta like kind of get back into that game and it sucks the only reason i even opened my email was I was taking a dump and I was trying to stay up so early. I had nothing to read. I finished the fucking Times mini crossword in a minute 30. I was like, I guess I got something else to do.

Alright, so back to the blog. The title is There Has To Be A Line. I just opened my email for the first time 825 p.m., and I saw this. Usually I don't open any emails that aren't sales from clothing companies, but this caught my eye because it came with a warning.

Quote, you don't know this sender use caution, or something like that, as if it was trying to protect me from what laid beyond the wall. Ever the curious mind, I clicked through anyway, and the warning was not stern enough. What waited for me was the broken

and battered corpse of Barstool Sports. And that is the thing we read, all the puns. Look, I'm sure the Disney Channel teacher who sent this email is a perfectly pleasant person, and I wish them no ill will, but this is genuinely deranged. It makes me think that the sales team needs an editor-in-chief to decide what kind of things should be sent out to employees. I was so taken aback by it, I took a shower and paced around for a bit, wondering how to handle it, taking caution not to react too quickly and say some shit i might regret that's

i mean literally true as he explained that's not it's not exaggeration for the blog it was like a i need he actually texted me i was out to dinner and he was like you i don't want to overdo it can you take a look at this for me see if i said anything too far like it was a a measured counter i didn't want to fly off the handle. Right. But all roads led to public shaming being the only course of action. So now I sit here typing away for a once proud blog, looking down at an email from atbarstoolsports.com addressed as Don Corleone looked down at Michael. Look what they did to my boy.

With growth, you have to take the bad with the good. Pay is better. Offices are nicer. There are fruit roll-ups aplenty in the snack room. And you have teams that will do all the shit work for you. So I played the good soldier and turned a blind eye to the bleeding of baby goats echoing from the third floor. By the way, bleeding was on the New York Times mini crossword about two days ago. So I played the good soldier and turned a blind eye to the bleeding of baby goats echoing from the third floor for themed parties. I've shut my mouth while we've had company-wide weight loss challenges.

I forced myself not to roll my eyes at every quote. Put a pin in it. Let's circle back and I'll slack you. That is said to my face in earnest. And mum was the word when we received an email telling us not to make fun of a co-worker. Hell, I've gotten co-workers who eat chew toys while having genuine breakdowns in the middle of the office. And I still show up to work every day without so much as a peep. But this, well, this is a bridge too far.

This is the kind of email someone would get 15 years ago and say, fuck it. I quit this corporate job. I'm going to go try to work at a job at Barstool and see if I can do something. Because if I have to read something like, put your work away and come to the party ever again, I'm going to go home one night soon and make love to the business end of a revolver. I'm sure I'll have

to meet with someone at HR over this because we probably have one of those now, but it's worth it. Someone has to be on the last chopper out of Saigon and if it's me then so be it because this kind of nonsense cannot stand. I listened to Dave talk about how he delivered too many papers too many times to deal with this shit.

It's an all around masterpiece. It is truly one of the best response blogs of all time. and if you're, and if, yeah, like, so like I said, the reaction to this is way more concerning than the initial thing because of

a, you're upset about it. Two to you're taking it serious. And D, you don't appreciate like even if you are the butt of this joke or the person who gets clowned, you should be like, that was a fucking great blog. And that's what made this company. That's why it's even big enough that I can have a job doing, you know, the third floor shit. Yeah. That is actually the people like, oh, I know, the third floor shit. Yeah. That is, there actually have been people like, oh, I know you could write, you could write more.

I'm like, oh, that's why, how we know we have too many people here. Right, for real. You know the bloggers who fucking started here could blog? Could blog? Fuck you. There's a fucking reason. Motherfucker.

I always say, I always say, I'm like, I want to fucking dust these babies off and start blogging and then I don't do it because it's too much work. But like, I could pick up these sticks right now and fucking blog circles around you assholes uh i wonder how many people in the control room are listening to this right now i guarantee there's a huddle of at least four or five i hope that there's people listening who are upset about it i hope there's people listening going like i did i got emails from people on the third floor like you should write more are upset about it. I hope there's people listening going like I did. I got

emails from people on the third floor like you should write more. I built that snack cabinet on the third floor. For real though. Just a little piece. Not the whole thing but a little corner. We're not the types to say it but it truly is like yo we've been here a long fucking time

and did a lot of shit to make any of this possible so if we tell you that hey this, this kind of sucks, maybe listen rather than get butthurt about it. You know that ground that fucking fake putting green is going to lay across? You're welcome! But it's so true. Like if Dave did this, nobody would be like, you know, this means war. They would just be like, oh my god, I'm sorry. But I don't want that. Because again, if you god, I'm sorry. But I don't want that.

Because again, honestly, give a fuck. No, I don't fucking care. I was just trying to be funny about a lame email. That's it. And I've gone to these parties. I've been walking around the office before. Because as I said, I don't really open a ton of emails. I've been walking around the office and someone's like, hey, there's a party on the third floor.

I was like, I'll grab a drink. I've been around. I think Enrique was like, i've got pictures of you at one of these i was like well yeah there's free booze around the office i'll fucking stop and have a drink and some food yeah all these things should just be like you know every you know every once a month once a friday whatever like we have some food and some drinks come by but this is the bridge too far like you said it's so it's it it is bleak it's a bleak bleak bleak and that being said we're starting a new branch of comedy at barcelona new york come work it is amazing company that isn't lame even a little bit well here's the thing uh

that's a double-edged sword or whatever you want to call it. There's two sides to that coin. The one side, first of all, we just won't put you on the email address. You'll never know that these are happening. Secondly, as you can tell, there's nobody running the ship here. So you can come work for Barstool and pretty much do nothing and keep getting a paycheck. Trust me. A lot of people do that. You can come work here and just come hang out

once a month and do comedy on the weekends. That's it. Done. Put that in the email of Dave. He's like, that guy gets a raise this year. What have you been doing for Barstool? Three sets. He sent his email

chronicling his day's work and two of the things were tomorrow's work that he wasn't doing what do you what are you doing today uh i like i i'm i'm promoting uh a thing i wrote a blog tomorrow i've got to go here. John Rich did a video. Yeah. Someone else did a video. I've got a thing to do tomorrow that I talked about doing today. The Raising Cane CEO. That email was so goddamn funny. Pull that one up too. Dave's Twitter. I know that they talked about it on the rundown there on Monday.

I saw a clip. But the email was the Raising Cane CEO. I forget his name. Go to Dave's Twitter. Is going to give us 10,000. Not us. I misspoke. Not us.

Hogs for a Cause. I've been hearing about Hogs for a Cause for like three years. I think it's a 24-7. I mean, all charities are 24-7 charities. But I think Mincy just works for Hogs for a Cause. Which is great. I hope they pay him well. I thought at one point,

I thought Hogs for a Cause was a Barstool sports charity like the Barstool Fund. And then I came to find out that it's like, not only is it someone else's, but it's like promoted by the Saints and like LSU football, all these things. And it's like, oh, well, Mincy, it's great that you're a part of it.

But also, you know, like. I didn't know that. I think. like lsu football all these things that's like oh well mincy it's great that you're a part of it but also you know like i didn't know that i think i don't like they work with the new orleans i think i want to say that one time he um he like like he was like come through to take a picture with me and like joe burrow it was like uh okay yeah i uh i also do a little work with the Jimmy Fund, me and the Boston Red Sox. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, on the rundown on Monday, Dave was like – half of his emails have been like, I was fundraising for Hogs for the Cause. And Dave's like, okay, I don't want to be mean, but how does that work for Barstool Sports? Yeah, that does nothing for us,

but so you can just do that. So come work here. Anyway, you deal with a couple of emails, steal money. It's great. Um, so that was,

uh, the number one blog on the site last night, uh, dethroning the other top blogger on the show. One, Jacqueline Nichols, Jackie Nick, Jane Nix had a top blog which was what you when

you were chronicling your your helmet date right so you you are making waves as well and then you came in the other day and said said something like you have a story to tell and then you and you were like it's not really blog worthy or not really pod worthy and then these two it's definitely blog we're like it's fucking an incredible story so i can't trust you you're so dumb i i don't know like i just didn't think i don't know if it was gonna be yeah that's why it works that's why you work because you're always like it's not that funny or not that big of a deal. And then it's like,

oh, no, no, no. This is fucking gold. Don't ever change. I don't even know what it's about. Yeah, we don't know either. And they said, they were like, stop hyping it up

because I understand it's not... It's just going to be a podcast story. You can't overhype it to the moon. But hit me, girl. What happened? So on like last weekend or whatever on Saturday night, I was at like this birthday party thing.

And this guy like started. Not Helmet, right? Not Helmet, no. And this guy like started talking to me in like the last 20 minutes. Also like this is, I wasn't saying like this story, like this is like the most Feidelberg moment. That's what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But so then I like in like the last 20 minutes he started talking to me meaning sorry to interrupt again meaning like

the bar is closing down or sorry just like I was getting ready to leave and then uh like this guy comes up to me and like whatever and then um so I like stayed a little bit longer but I was tired so I was like okay I'm gonna go and he was like well are we not gonna get food and I was like um like I guess I mean no no I was like I was like no like I'm gonna go and he was like well are we not gonna get food and i was like um like i guess i mean no no i was like i was like no like i'm gonna go home or whatever and you had been talking like he was flirting with you and shit or for 20 minutes yeah but like maybe 30 yeah and then um i was like no like i'm tired like like i'll get your number or something but um but i'm gonna go and then i start walking out and he's like following me.

I was like, what are you doing? And he's like, we're going to go get food, I thought. I was like, no, I just said that. Or I said no, but whatever. So then we go and I just end up getting food with him. I mean, saying this is the most final word thing, we know where this is going. So now I'm married. So then, and then after he was like i was like okay now i'm gonna go like

see you later you have my number where'd you eat it was like pizza or whatever and um and then i was like i didn't even get anything i was just like like i just was literally waiting there with him while he got food and so i was just like okay whatever so i was like okay now i'm gonna go what and he is like okay can i go with you and i was like no and he was like can i at least walk with you i was like fine whatever so like i'm walking back to my apartment and he's walking with me and then i get to my apartment i was like okay now we part ways like you're not coming up goodbye and he's like well i live in connecticut and like the train's not until 5 a.m and it was like two so i was like well i don't like i'm i was like i'm sorry like you're not coming up i told

you that was the deal the whole time like i said he's at the bar and he was like well i don't really know where to go and i was like i know that you have friends like he had so many friends there i was like you have friends in the city i met them, you can go to one of theirs. And he was like, no, I can't. And I didn't even like question. So I was just like, fine,

come up. And then like, um, like then we're in my apartment and I was like, there's like legit how girls get murdered. I was, yeah, I was like,

I was just like, there's no way I can like go. Like, I was just like, yeah, you can't just be like, night, night, night. Like I was like, there's no way. Like, and I was was just like yeah you can't just be like night night night like I was

like there's no way like and I was not about to hook up with him like I've been talking to him for 20 minutes was he was he good looking and he was very hot and like cool at that point I probably would have I just fuck this guy rather than like just we go to separate rooms who knows what he's gonna do I was like considering it but I was just like no like I'm not like

I'm talking for like 20 minutes like I'm not going to and so then I have my friend call me and i had her like fake sick and i was just like listen you can stay at my apartment just like chill here bed clean sheets and everything i'm gonna go you gave him your apartment i just like take the whole thing like by the way is so podcast worthy that is the most like the definition of a story you tell on a podcast that might that might be like you i don't know if you would would you have done that i don't think you would have done that it's so hard with boys and girls but like i don't think i literally left your place and left a stranger that's crazy

I slept on my friend's couch and then like were your friends like what the fuck they were like why did you just give up your whole apartment I was like I didn't want to deal with it what if he just straight up robbed I was like that's just a gamble that I'm going to have to take I was like you robbed mine

I was fine looking he was fine looking. He was good looking and everything, but like, whatever. But then I was like walking back there and I was like, why am I doing a walk of shame right now? A walk of shame? Nothing to be shameful for.

Well, I guess, no, you should be very much ashamed. This is actually the worst walk of shame ever. It just has nothing to do with sex. Yeah, yeah. The worst is like, I'm putting myself in your shoes right now. And so I was 10.

By the way, if you're not watching, Jackie is in a food sweatshirt. Yesterday's was what? Like a, like a technology. It's crazy. It's just,

I just will grab one from around here. And that's why it's not like i'm like going out of my way to buy meat sweatshirts except for those they just find me meat sweatshirts just find me um but here i i'm picturing jackie heels in hand yeah bag over her shoulder sliding the key into the door first of all going huh can't open it takes three or four tries like i didn't even have to put my keys in the door because i was just like leave it open when you're gone i didn't even know at least he was gone see that's that's what the thought going through my head was either this place is either going to be empty or he's here i fucking hope it's empty like i don't know which one i can buy new things you walk in he's like

naked in your bed oh hey honey i was literally like if he's there i'm gonna like say i have a meeting or something he's so he slept in your bed no then he slept on the couch and then he oh what a gentleman he wouldn't want to impose and then let me sleep on the couch a pillow or anything so i was so then i texted him i was like did you just sleep on the couch he's like didn't even take a pillow or anything so I was like so then I texted him I was like did you just sleep on the couch like without blankets or a pillow or anything

and he was like yeah like maybe next time I can make it to the bed and I was like dude maybe next time I can make it to the bed

after I sleep all the way into the apartment my guy doesn't leave the bat on his shoulder no he's going down swinging

I mean I almost i almost you gotta you gotta see this guy this is the most persistent guy this guy's in love with you this guy's gonna worship the ground you walk on apparently and then and then like my friend just texted me being like i heard you i heard you like went home with one of my boys and i was like now i have to explain that i did but i did but i did yeah he went to my home but we didn't go home together i i don't know how we can arrange this because i don't this is not going favorably for him i would die to hear from this guy we'll change your voice we want you not to put your face on the site

i just want him to be like i yeah man i really thought she was gonna stay like i thought it was gonna work and then and then she just like closed the door and left and i was like no she'll come back in a minute and like she didn't so you know i just like made myself a snack and went to sleep on the couch like do you think that he that do you think that he thought that it was gonna work or or was maybe the plan all along was like, I don't want to go back to Connecticut tonight and this chick is a sucker. I was like, maybe he just saw me as the weakest link at the bar. Yeah, yeah. Because I mean, there's definitely people who are like, I'll just hook up with this ugly person.

Usually a guy to a girl. That's what I'm saying. Usually a guy finds, yeah, yeah no that's disrespectful to you i'm not calling you ugly but you know usually it's like i'll just fuck this girl and i have a place to like like put my head for the night but yeah i mean that's cool they call that paratrooping yeah you go somewhere without a place to stay yeah it almost like me just like dropping in with nowhere and you're just hoping for the best i feel like you don't get a hotel he's like i'll just fucking hook up yeah yeah it almost forces your hand a little bit

like i don't have a like i'm gonna hook up tonight because i don't got anywhere to stay yeah i'm it was a great plan it works i mean it works you gotta you gotta fucking head over uh i've done something remotely comparable jesus where this was but it didn't play out exactly like yours it was um this is a blackout tour thing and the girl who i don't know was fine was like we'll come back to the hotel and like after party whatever and i was like still had the adrenaline going i was like fuck yeah and then we got back and i was like goddamn i don't want to screw up my room at all and i considered strongly getting another room making up a lie that was i just got a text that we're actually leaving tonight so you can crash here i gotta split and go and get another room I just fucked her instead I fucked her

I didn't like it I didn't enjoy it I probably enjoyed sex three times in my life Jack that is so fucking funny you just gave up you gotta make a video about that that's your weekly video I don't want to see it we did your weekly video about that that's your weekly video which we have yeah we still didn't we did your weekly video once Jackie

he's gonna see it he did it yeah like oh you don't have to name them awkward yeah well yeah from it yeah he made it awkward you don't think it's awkward to motherfuck 75% of the company you do what you gotta do

to put content out there, Jack. The people who literally are in control of how much money this show makes and does not make. Yeah, the ad sales team. You know the people

who've been hitting the store.barstoolsports.com ads for three months? I fucked them. Oh, no. Oh, no. I wasn't gonna say. This guy who just fucking smuggled his way

into my apartment for the night might not like me anymore who fucking cares no your job is to make a video about this and try to get this guy on the show try to get him on the show probably get him on the show before we make a video about it

that's probably why he did it all he's like Jack you'll tell the story he did say all. He's like, Jack, you'll tell the story. He did say something. Tell him well, anybody who leaves a voicemail now, we're going to do best voicemail of the week. If your video is the best video

of the week, you get some free merch. If you can entice him and get him to do this, I'll put a bounty on it. I'll give him some money or something. This ad has been brought to you by the ad sales team. Store.barstool

sports.com Promo code there is none. Wow. God, to be young and in compromising positions again. It's something. Thank God for Jackie.

Yeah. It's great. It keeps me young hearing about how these fucking wackos are so socially awkward. Well, I have one completely separate from that. Not as good either, so get ready. I had a moment. I was home over the weekend and um my family raves about this spa there's a spa around where my parents live that like no joke i have family members who get like get up at 5 a.m because it's the only slot they can get kind of deal for a massage yeah and i've told them up and down a million times

i don't really care for massages my mom said uh well you're you're you got a skincare routine now what about your body and i was like i don't do shit with that she's well they have like an exfoliating oh heavens to sand and sea scrub that maybe you could try that like it's just great like i think you could use it to stress relax and blah blah blah and and just hands and to shut the fuck up was it sand and sea scrub or something like that okay and to just shut the fuck everyone up for like the first time literally in like five years. I was like, fine, I'll fucking do it.

I got, I've been bored on the weekends. I got nothing going on on Sunday. I'll just do that. There are worse fates than going to a spa.

I'll just do the thing. Do you have to get up at 5 a.m. though? No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, Oh boy. That's a long pause. It's just, it was... If you're not watching on YouTube, John like stared off into the distance for a minute. So my issue... Did you get your finger, your belly button figured again? No, no, no. I got my finger jerked off though. The, so I didn't even know what, like, I didn't, I didn't know what the process was for any of this. I don't, I've never done it before. I'm exceptionally novice in in spas and um i i go and i get my little flip-flops and my fucking robe and all that shit if you have any body images use go to a spa one time everyone in

it is just a disgusting fat piece of shit like i'm in the i'm in the fucking like when you're in the in the gym sure you got your old guy here and there's a guy like yeah most of the guys are fucking jack big fucking bodies like spas are for lazy people who are like trying to better their body but don't want to do the work yeah who think they're like royalty oh i have my robe on i'm the king you know yeah fat that means i've been eating good i'm all upper class class. You're all a fat, disgusting fucking animal inside of the spa. By the way, I love going to spas. So I'm in there. I go into the relaxation room, whatever.

I quite enjoyed that, in fact. I was just sitting there with candles and I was like meditating. They have one of those like sounds on. Yeah, yeah. And I left my phone in my locker. So I was just kind of sitting there and I was like meditating they have one of those like sounds on yeah yeah and i left my phone in my locker so i was just kind of just sitting there and i was like i can vibe with this yeah and then um i i the woman comes out to get me uh we'll call her michelle because that's her name um and uh or is it what just to put a little doubt out there maybe it's or is it yeah maybe it's not michelle and uh she's like follow me to the wet room and i was like that sounds like what i think that sounds weird as shit so she fucking brings me into this room which is all tiled clearly it's

a room we can get wet um yeah and bro she has on is it she's like i'm gonna leave you should get in my massages i've had two now i had the one in portugal and i had one in jamaica fairly recently fell asleep during that one so i don't even have a story about i fell asleep immediately i got 150 dollars to sleep it could have been she could have the second i saw her storm she could have woken we were done yeah i was like okay yeah yeah um and uh so it's a full towel, body towel on the bed. She's like, I'm going to walk out. You get completely naked for this. Just cover yourself with that towel when you're done.

But I do need access to your legs. So kind of like roll it up kind of deal. Got it. And I was like, okay, fine. So, I'm stark naked in this room where I can see clearly outside the window, by the way.

I took pictures. I'll give you pictures. It's crazy. Usually those are all... It's a little high up, but I can look right out the window. And so I'm sitting on this fucking bed. And I'm trying to – have you ever tried to fold a full-body towel to just cover your dick? I'm like doing origami.

I'm like folding up slices like trying to make a paper airplane. And I'm like rolling it down. And I was like, all right, I think that's good. Like I'm like trying to make a paper airplane and i was like all right i think that's good like i'm like trying to jam under my balls can you just like hold it up huh almost worn it like a chick well no she did by my full body it's a full body scrub oh so she wanted to be like an underwear yeah yeah yeah like a diapy okay and and so I'm like trying to jam into crevices. I'm shoving it up. You're just hammering your fucking balls.

It's a full towel, dude. I gotta put my diaper on. It's a full... Oh my god. I just see you're like your face is red. I'm almost ready! Do one minute.

Not yet. In another minute. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Do we have a towel here? I would love to just even try out the process and then so then so then she she fucking knocks and i'm like i'm all good come on and and and my issue one of my issues with the with with massages as a whole is just like kind of like the the power

imbalance of it where it's just like i don't know it makes me feel like more than and you're lesser than and you're taking care of it it's funny i think some people a lot of people experience the opposite where like you'll be getting a massage and they're doing something you hate and much like the barber you'll just be like i'll just sit here oh i'll definitely let you like rub something that like does not feel like you're in i'm in pain and i'm like well they're the masseuse they know what they're doing they're supposed to do this and and i know it's their job and stop it's not like a minimum wage like they went to school for it like that's like they enjoy it at least to some level but to

me it's like it's too much like fucking like master yeah right yeah like i'm the king and you're the pauper kind of deal let's go with that we'll go with that yeah yeah yeah oh boy slave was right at the tip of the tongue and and so so that's my issue with it but what a fucking exfoliating sand and sea thing is is it someone just showers you it's rubbing you with like a fucking sandpaper so it's like even worse like they're like they're just rubbing you with soap yeah and rubbing you with like a fucking sandpaper so it's like even worse like they're like they're just rubbing you with soap yeah and were you laying on a table yeah i'm laying like this and and and like she's doing it and and i i i venture to guess that most people when they're getting one of these things uh close their eyes and relax but i'm so nervous and anxious that i just look like

i've taken like like i'm like a a victim who's taken a paralytic we're like i can feel everything but i can't i'm like so i'm just like this and we keep locking eyes are you doing it i'm like okay oh my god oh my god and then she she's you know doing it all and it's all fine it's whatever and and but and then she starts she she like massages all the fingers but i had my this one all bandaged up so she's just kind of hammered it like that i was like what the fuck is going on and then bro where's my phone at so and then she rolls out she's like okay i'm gonna she's like exfoliants all stuff she's like okay i'm gonna i'm gonna shower this off you now and she rolls out this thing where it looks like it straight up looks like some torture chamber shit.

It's this thing right there. She pulls that out over me. It's kind of like a car wash almost. I'm laying there. It is crazy that there's a full ass window here. Is that water right there?

Where? It's not like you're like on a sidewalk that people can look into but there are people go on that grass that's crazy and uh and so i'm laying there and she thought of somebody walking by me like we saw this like this guy wearing a diaper really struggling with his underwear in that room over there and by the way the diaper is so tight at this point well so so i really have to imagine that you did something wrong or whatever you know what i mean like well hang on a second so so so she rolls this shower out over me this thing it's got like five four six spigots probably something like that it's like basically it's got stuff to hit everywhere but my face and it's got one in the middle to get

my stomach and shit like that and now my the whole time she's doing the whole thing i know how tight the towel is right so i'm like that's like an under armor shirt right now and i'm like i wonder if my piece is visible or she's like, this dude's got a little dick. That stresses in my head. Bulging out or not bulging out. I don't know what's worse. She rolls the fucking water over me. Now the towel's wet.

Now everything's way tighter. I'm sitting there like, oh my god. Oh my god. What does it look like? Then what ends up happening because there's a fucking six faucets the sounds of a million waterfalls going you gotta pee i gotta pee kevin but guess what i took vitamins that morning so i got a white towel cover my dick did you piss your towel no but

i wanted to and had i not taken vitamins which make it look like you're fucking yellow you're infected with nuclear poisons. You're telling me the only thing that stopped you from pissing your towel was the vitamins and not the lack of social proof? You would have just pissed yourself? If I had just drank water that morning, I'd be pissing everywhere. John, I've peed on one of those tables.

What? Yeah. While the girl was like, bro, I'm just going to pee down? No, no, I peed on one of those tables. What? Yeah. While the girl was like, bro, I'm just going to go down? No, no, no. Mine wasn't a rub down. It was just the shower thing. It was like part of a spa. But someone else was in the room or not?

Someone was on a table next to me. Bro, I was getting this water just dumped on me. Bro, I don't care. Unless you have had like 100 ounces of water, your pee is coming out yellow. Vitamins or not, there's going to be some... Oh, I had a bunch of gin. That's why I did it. There's going to be some bubbles. There's going to be some color.

Maybe even a smell. And you were just going to let it rip. If I didn't take three Optimen vitamins that morning, I'd be pissing everywhere. I was holding it. I was like, don't piss don't piss don't piss don't piss don't piss but if i didn't have if i i just knew i'd taken vitamins because it would have that would if i if i hadn't taken vitamins my pee would have been clear i just drink a ton of water yeah my pee is often very very clear i mean clearer than your regular pee but it's the pee there were enough

faucets and spigots going that it would have blended. And it sounds like one of those words that's racist. Oh, very much. Very much so. Yeah. Crazy spigots. But like that would have, that would have, it would, like it would have yellowed the towel.

Yeah. Right. A hundred percent. So I was like, you can't piss. So she showers me off, blah, blah, blah. Also, what are you like 10, six, four? How long did this whole process have been that you can't just be like, I'll pee afterwards? I had to pee the moment

I got there. I was already like, I gotta pee. And I didn't pee. And I got in there. It's been an hour. It's a long time. So then we roll over. She's like, I'm gonna pull a towel over my head here like this. Not like a ghost.

She's just holding it up. And she's like, you roll over and then I'm going to lay it back on you. We'll do your back. And this is the diaper pillow. Diaper towel. New towel. New towel. So your piss towel's gone? I've never peed on it. But it's gone now. So you're naked now.

Yeah. And by the way, great dick day. Sometimes you roll out of bed and you sleep naked. Some days it doesn't even move. Some days it gets a slap. I was like, that was a day. What is her? Is she old, young, hot, not hot, ugly?

She's a regular person. Very nice, regular person. But then these fucking beds, they're not massage beds. So there's no hole in them. So I'm just, from when my back's getting done, I'm just face down in a soaking wet towel. So it's getting like reverse waterboard. Just inhaling like fucking Denzel in a safe house. Why didn't you just turn your head? I mean, I did, but sometimes I got sore, so I had to come back to this.

You gotta have the hole. No hole. So it's just deep. Denzel in a safe house, you've been at the 300s, the threat counts. You're like the 500s. I'm just sucking water out of a towel. Fucking Jerry Tarkany is chomping on that towel and then and so she does the back does the shower thing again i'm still holding my

piss and i flip back over she does the same thing again i'm gonna hold up come back on your stomach we do like one last lotion kind of deal is down Then you got the dick print. Huh? So she laid it on your dick? So she lays it down. She fetches another towel. She's like, because she needs access to all my legs again. Grabs a hand towel. Oh, boy.

She apparently decided you don't need a full body with that penis. That's the meanest thing. Dude, i came back and just handed a hand towel like it was so noticeable as i laid there mind you as i mentioned earlier i was having a good dick day this was fucking as primo as it's gonna get okay wait hang on in the in the towel realm uh i'm looking at like a towel rack right there's your bath towel like a shower towel then there's like a in between that's your hand towel no that's your hand towel then there's a face towel okay it's not a face okay all right yeah face okay yeah all right so there's at least a little bit yeah yeah i thought she gave you like

yeah not a clean like holy shit okay so you not a clean napkin. I was like, holy shit. Okay, so you got a little bit, but she still was like, that dick does not work. She's like, it seems like he might have fucking shoved this up his ass, sticking it around places. We'll give him the medium. You got a medium dick, dude. Size M. God. And then also, by the way, I don't know if you saw in the picture but like at one point when i'm on my back on my stomach they have to change out the uh the bed kind of and she's like she's like just list follow my like it was like it was like

disarming a bomb she followed my instructions exactly first lift your knees up and i was like okay and i hear like some rustling she goes now plank and i was like okay and there's some more wrestling so now like lift your chest up i was like okay and then she just rolled off a fucking tarp you see that it's just a full-ass fucking tarp like like something someone like has over the wheelbarrow over the the firewood for the winter like a blue spy no you asked me this is no this this looks like a fucking barn that all looks like a blue this is a very spy this looks like a fucking barn that all looks like a vet office that's where they used to hose down the animals they took you to a vet

that's where they killed dogs you know how many fucking young women have been on their knees right there as a puppy took its last breath I didn't rescue you. You rescued me. Bro, when you and your buddies used to go get your hand jobs, did you do the table showers?

No. Because if you go to the West Garden one right around the corner here, they ask you if you want a table shower. And that is awkward as fuck. I had a buddy who used to just go to Lily Spa ask you if you want a table shower and that is awkward as fuck i had a buddy who used to just go to lily spa in providence uh just for the table so that i did that once and it was the worst experience like of my life first of all you get cold then your dick's not looking good but but you're going there to get your dick jerked off anyway so the whole thing's weird but they they lay you down and they just took like a bar of soap and just like kind of like scrub you all over, which first of all kind of tickles.

Second of all, it feels like emasculating and weird. And it's like you're a baby. Like lift this. Lift that. Let me get there. And then like flip over. I got to do your backside. That's what this was.

It was very like kind of infantilizing but also like, again, if your issue is the power and balance of massages, don't have them shower you. Yeah. Then the main, the worst part about this one is, so you're naked and soaped up and then you stand up and they have a fucking bucket of water within a smaller bucket and they just bucket you down. That's some real animal shit. Yeah. It's like you're a fucking pig anyway. I'm going to treat you like one.

You came to a public place to get a masturbating hand job. You're a fucking animal. Let me just treat you like one anyway. All right. Now, step four before we hold you down, start oinking. hand job. You're a fucking animal. Let me just treat you like one anyway. Now, step four before we hold you down. Start oinking. Short of having one of those long brushes, having a second person hit me

with a brush. You see your naked body on your floor more on the floor doing the head motion they also the big bucket has a spigot coming out and so it is clean water.

But the fact that it's like bucket, pick up, bucket. I don't know. It felt like it was almost like dirty water. Like you're just hitting me with this dirty. Like it was almost like, again, it is clean water and nothing's touching anybody. But I felt like it was like other dude's water. This just feels like a recycled water and me just getting hosed down by this woman who unfortunately is going to jerk me off

soon too. What a despicable existence. They may wear a shower cap too. We got to do something about the hair. It was like impossible to get all my hair in the shower cap. Oh my god. I'll text these.

Bro, you too. This story's not as good as jackie's jesus christ no it was no word fucking yes it is that's fucking hilarious your diaper towel unbelievable okay do we think that band-aid his band-aid is for a black person that's why it's so dirty oh is that what it is it's rather it's so dirty. Is that what it is? It's really dirty. That's what I thought. It was really gross. Let me see.

Band-aid. John, you're wearing black people band-aids. That became a thing. That's super racist because it's just off-brand. No. This. I remember a few years ago. I'll bring the box in it's not like

I don't think so it definitely doesn't say R-Tone it's just like a Walgreens bandaid how'd you know R-Tone oh fuck that's crazy that you knew that because I just looked it up and it's called R-Tone brownedages they call them bandages I hope you're wearing Yeah.

Brownedages, they call them. It's like bandages. I hope you're wearing it. Wait, wait, wait. Go to the right. What's that? All the way to the right, the door dash? All the way to the right. All the way to the right.

Yeah. Click that. Wall greens. By the way, black skin band-aids on your Google searches, all the rest of it. Flexible. Yes. That's for black people. But it's not that black.

What did you say? You got light skin band-aids? I wish I had a roommate. Can you look at my room real quick? I'll text the picture. Bro, that is, you look at that and you say. That one for sure. I don't think.

New shade. It's for black people. I'm going to. There's the white ones. Look at the and you say, that one for sure, but I don't think it's... New Shade, it's for black people. There's the white ones. Look at the other flavors. The other colors are peach skin color. And then the other ones are for black people. I thought it was wet. And then you were like, no, it's not wet.

Bro. I'm not going to definitively say it's not. I just grabbed a box of Band-Aids. I'm going to definitively say it is. Why does just grabbed a box of Band-Aids. I'm going to definitively say it is. Why does this guy look like me too? Yeah, he looks – Yep, yep. These are my peoples.

Why is that guy representing this? The CEO of Ben & Jerry's? What's going on here? I thought it was old. I thought it was wet. I thought it was dirty. And then when you said it wasn't, I was like, huh, that's funny. And I actually, for a second, thought that maybe it was like a kid's thing,

like army green or army color or whatever. No, it's just brown because it's for black people. You want to know the worst part about this? That you're wearing black people band-aids. When I put it on, I'm like, pretty lucky it matches my skin tone. I was like, honestly, you want to know what i put it on i put it on like this is kind of a cool band-aid makes me feel cool i mean that's absolutely what it is i'm gonna i'm gonna as soon as i go home i promise i'll go right to the band-aid packs and sending you a picture

yeah no i mean i'm pretty sure it's gonna it might it might be like the one we saw where it doesn't say like for black people it says new shade or something like that yeah guess why they make new shades it's definitely like that that blue it's that it's definitely that style box but i don't think it says new shade or anything i could be wrong um but i will i will let you know right away it i mean it is it's just like they have two different types of colors one looks like white people. One looks like black people. I thought it.

I was like, God, you're getting nice and olive, John. What are you going to do? Also, I think you could probably take your bandaid off now. Is it not healed yet? Okay. How long is this? I'll say this. Nine fingers. Nine finger finger final bar over here when i finally

took the bandage off like the main one for the first time i went oh boy because it's not as bad as i thought there is something about that like if you get like an x-ray or you get results back and it's okay and you're kind of like i'm such a pussy i was like what the fuck did you go to the hospital show it it looks totally fine it's fine it's a full finger totally and also like it looks like i cut my nail a little too short like it'd be hard to it'd be hard to write with this hand you can take off your black versus band-aid the fact that you can just slide it on and off i think this fucking finger unbelievable where's uh yeah we're okay all right am I the asshole?

Am I the asshole? My baseball team lost a couple games in the beginning of the season. I'm having a fucking meltdown. I heard Frank snapped on Nate today. Well, I'm sure Nate was telling him, like, shut the fuck up. This is ridiculous. I want to issue a formal correction. I sliced, like,

a maybe a small sliver of the epidermis off. Which is how we describe a cut. Okay. Am I the asshole? I don't even want to give you the title because it describes it too much

i'm just gonna dive into it last night i went to dinner with michael it was our third date by the way this is a girl so this is a straight couple last night i went to dinner with michael it was our third date and he took me to one of his favorite restaurants it was this hole in the wall polish slash hungarian place we ordered our food and he ordered a sampler plate so I could try different things. There's very few things I don't eat with ranch. I just like it and it helps me make some things easier

to eat, so I always have it with my meals. When we got our food, I asked for some ranch. You had to lube your throat up? The waiter said they didn't have any and offered to bring out some kind of sour cream and dill sauces. I tried them. They just weren't the same.

I told Michael I'd be right back. I took my wallet and I left the restaurant. I had seen a convenience store close by, so I went, bought a bottle of ranch and came back. Michael looked shocked but didn't say anything and ate his food. The food was great. We got some conversation going when the waiter came over and said outside food was not allowed. I said dressing isn't outside food. And they didn't have to, that I didn't have to.

I said that dressing isn't outside food and they didn't have what I needed to enjoy my meal. I didn't want to ruin the evening so I took it out to my car and I returned. When we finished and left, Michael thanked me for coming out with him but said it was really off-putting that they had to leave and go buy a bottle of dressing instead of just going one meal without it. I told him I wouldn't have had

to do that if they had ranch or any dressings like a normal restaurant. He didn't walk me to my car or anything and just left. I went home and told my roommate about my date and his attitude, and she asked me if I was being serious. She thinks I had bad etiquette and embarrassed Michael to the point that he was probably going to stop talking to me.

Actually, I said straight couple. It could be a gay guy with a – because he did say wallet. Yeah. But you don't take your wallet. Your wallet's in your pocket. But also, and then when he had a girl roommate, I figured it was a girl, but it could be a gay guy with a girl roommate.

I don't know. Yeah. But it also just feels like a gay guy would say I was at the dinner with Michael. I don't know why. So it doesn't really matter. Uh, I don't,

uh, I don't think what I did was all really that bad. It was a condiment, not an entire meal from someplace. Was I wrong for what I did? Yeah, for sure. Totally.

Okay. Yeah. You're clearly wrong. But it's not even like I don't care about the restaurant's rule breaking. I don't give a fuck. Well, so that. Okay. I will defend to the death that this is not an outside.

This is not outside food. Yeah. Hillary Clinton keeps hot sauce in her bag. Bro. If I. I it's it's childish and stupid no matter what but like yeah if i if i brought out a fucking uh a little mcdonald's uh sweet and sour thing it's weird but that's not you're not gonna kick me out of your restaurant it's not like i brought in a burger and i'm taking up spots and I'm eating at your place. I had a,

one of my best friends when I was like really young, he only ate Taco Bell. I think it was, or maybe it was in a Taco Bell. Maybe he only ate Burger King, whatever. He only ate one of the fast food restaurants and his family had a variety of tastes.

And whenever we went out to get some fast food or whatever after a game whatever maybe we had to stop at his restaurant first and then go to wherever they wanted to go jesus and then he would just like eat at the table like burger king inside a taco bell that feels like if you do that like a like a vortex opens up like a black hole ripped in the universe or something it was it was i remember being a child and being like you're ridiculous this is some poor ash yeah we're taking fast food to different fast food restaurants you are you are poor motherfucker are we paying with change from the fucking cup holders the fuck is going on here take me home man now if i'm on a date and a girl gets up

walks out and comes back in with a bottle of hidden valley i am i am extremely turned off i'll still fuck you but god damn you are a ridiculous yeah i probably wouldn't eat your ass so it's one fucking meal it's like and i'm like if i if i some shit leaves and comes back with ranch i'm probably leaving something like this chick she's gonna talk about she's lactose intolerant totally she'll be farting one of those ibs girls i feel like uh also like ranch with the polish hungarian is not even like a thing. You know what I mean? Like if I went to a wing spot and they were like, we don't have blue cheese.

And I was like, we're about to eat 50 wings. I might go get blue cheese. I really would. I'd be like, I can't do this. I'll just do mozzie sticks, you fucking psychopath. Right. But if it's like, here's some Polish, I don't even know what. And it's like, hang on, I gotta go to my ranch.

Like, no, you're just a dumb white girl who can't get over your ranch obsession. That's crazy. You can't be coming back. You're from the Midwest. You're trying to bring your values to our fucking liberal elite city. Get the fuck out of here with your goddamn, go back to Hidden Valley with you pieces of fucking shit. Just do us all a favor and kill yourself. That is

that I mean that's one of those things where it's like you've never been out in society before. You don't understand what's going on. Get the fuck back to Wisconsin. And you know what? Maybe you do like a, if you could somehow sneak it like you got a little packet or a little no there's no bro i i i think people who like no never mind drop that uh

what i'm trying to say i i don't understand i god i'm sorry i'm lost uh you're about to say some racism shit no it was like didn't have to do with anything uh my point is is when she said the the line that stuck out to me was like there are very few foods i eat without without ranch so like what foods don't you eat without ranch like does she ranch with spaghetti does she eat ranch with lasagna i'll be honest ranch with spaghetti it might be okay yeah spaghetti is like i remember i did the elf in college i i had maple syrup in my spaghetti it's like it's like spaghetti is just like a a bread bread yeah so you can put like anything in there. Yeah. Like it's almost like an Alfredo type sauce ranch, you know? It could work.

Do you have cereal with ranch? But like, yeah, like what? Like very few. It's also weird. Like when she said it makes the eating process easier. You're lubing up. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like you're a fucking child.

I will say ranch is versatile as fuck. You can put it on chicken. You can put it on chicken. You can put it on your burger. You can dip your fries in it. You can't put ranch on your steak. Again, you can do whatever the fuck you want. It really is like chicken and sandwich-y type things. 100%.

Let me catch a motherfucker putting ranch on their hot dog and I will puke right on their face again not that it's not allowed but if I imagine the process of like pouring your ranch on your hot dog that is the whitest thing I can like get you know

ranch onion hot dog yummy yummy that's disgusting Jackie You know, ranch onion hot dog. Yummy, yummy. Disgusting, Jackie. But the overall thing, like, I wouldn't walk you to a car either. Clearly, you're a motherfucker who just eats ranch with every single meal. You can handle yourself. If you feel like I can't eat without my ranch ranch does it matter if it's a guy or a

girl no you're a straight girl you're you're you're you're clearly your own person and any assault that takes place you'll be able to handle i'll i'll just muck it up from there the but the main thing that sticks out is that like this we all know we do weird shit we all have our weird shit that we do if you if you don't eat food not drenched in ranch you're aware it's a little bizarre yeah it's like it's like sending a fucking email with putt to the party you gotta you're like it's a little fuck self-awareness is key but yeah you have to i gotta for if you're if you're showing me that on your first date you're showing me a hole on the first date like that,

that's what you're comfortable showing me right now. What am I finding out in three months? Right. You're keeping something up. You're not revealing your whole self on your first date. So what the fuck am I learning? If this isn't embarrassing, what is? What comes around the corner in Q2 that fucking knocks me right on my ass? I'm getting out now while it's getting good.

I've never seen a more unanimous you're the asshole in my life. Never. Is it mostly for breaking the restaurant rules or for breaking society's rules? Society rules. Yeah. Yeah. You typed out this whole ass ranch story

ranch dressing love story and still need it. Yeah, I mean you are. Also, I'm almost like pretty positive that ranch is like sour and still needed it. Yeah. I mean, you are also, I'm almost like pretty positive. That ranch is like sour cream and dill. It's like, they gave that shit to you. You dumb bitch.

Um, do we have another one or should we just, we'll just go to voicemails, right? Yeah. All right. Time for voicemails. What do we got?

Let's get into our voicemails. It's brought to you by pirate water. You can see us it behind us no you can't because the cameras are too low but we've got our pirate water up here on the wall we got pirate water wall to wall here at barstool jay farrow took some home with him the other day then requested more sent home to jeffree star took some home with him uh a lot of people are really buzzing about pirate water even more so than i thought i knew this was going to be a success but everyone's like what is that they're very intrigued and then when they

find out what it is they're even more intrigued because it's like oh shit because it's a party in a can some people think it's actually water and then i'm like oh yeah it is i knew we played we told the line yeah we really did i believe my father still thinks it's water let me tell you when you know for sure when you open one and drink it because all of a sudden you drunk 10 alcohol by volume only two bucks party in a can this is not for the faint of heart this is not for the like let's get together with the girls and have a a a gossipy night this is not a um you know i'm just going to have a beer after work. This is like we are getting to the point. We are at the festival partying.

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Or get it on GoPuff delivered to your door. What up, KFC? Love the show. Feidelberg, Jackie, Pabst, you guys are the fucking best. Love it. I was on a couple weeks ago. I'm back. You know we're getting pegged.

I'm waiting for my merch to come in. Just bought the new Get Pegged hat. Got a nice KFC radio sweatshirt coming in. But I got a question for you. Once again, would you rather be stuck in a pool with a shark or a cage with a tiger boom let's go ksc wait real quick i don't even know if you're gonna want to see this so that guy just reminds me of my buddy um where he works kind of deal um my buddy who you've met you know graham. He works. He chopped his hands off or something like that, didn't he?

Yeah. He chopped it. And so he read my blog. Mind you, this is my finger. About the finger. Huh? Wait, you read your blog about what? The finger.

Okay. Yeah. So he sent me a picture of his. He lost how many fingers? No, just the tip of his finger. Oh, okay. But he lost like the tip of his finger. Yeah.

Do you want to see it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Is it just like a top? He's got one in the scroll to the right and there's the top one. That's gnarly. That is gnarly.

That looks like someone took a bite. He's got a top-down photo. Oh! Oh! Now I have to put this in the podcast. And I just went, yeah yeah it's not that he was like dude we're tipless together i was like send back a picture of yours now like yo yo you gotta check the top down bro it's just a fucking finger

that is wait hang on jack take pictures of take pictures you, right? Take pictures. Take pictures. You said you needed to put... I wouldn't have sent them to you unless... Take a picture of your fingers in the same way now and compare them. Do one like this and do one like this. Okay. I will. I'm just going to send this to Jackie real quick and we're going to watch the live reaction, Jackie.

Yeah. You got a camera on her? Oh, yeah. Do I... I really like... You guys know I don't like missing missing limbs that's her phobia

she's gonna lose she's gonna lose a leg the first one still hasn't come the first one looks like a piece of the aggro crag it's very like choppy

looks like someone took a bit took a bite off your finger it's that that top down that is like a cross section

okay dude it's that top down that is like a cross section dude dude dude hold on hold on hold on that is not like there's no finger there's no finger turns out I didn't cut the tip of my finger off. Dude, that was so much worse than I thought it was going to be.

I actually was using the Burt knife the other night, and I kind of almost slipped up with it. And I was thinking, could you imagine if we both chopped our fingers off with that fucking knife? What a bunch of dummies we are. But a shark in a pool. Okay, a shark in a pool. We're going to assume a above ground or in ground. I'm going to say an in ground pool for this. I think – and a tiger in a cage i think you have a better shot at

uh i think it's a pool and a shark i think i think you have a better shot at that which is why i'm taking the cage and tiger because you want to die well not it's like i'm gonna die yeah eventually but the tiger like knows to to die well not it's like i'm gonna die yeah eventually but the tiger like knows to go for my throat and shit like that like the sharks eat me from the bottom off and the sharks gonna take a bite of you and like regret it and then you're like bleed out yeah i mean i think if you swim amongst the shark they kind of are cool with you right that's like a lot of times you can see like scuba divers are like around them they always say they think that you're a seal on top of the water on your surfboard or whatever they kind of get confused and take a bite yeah

i think a tiger if you're talking about like a zoo because they're like are we taking a tiger from the wild and putting them in a cage or are we talking about a zoo tiger because like both of these things if you go to like an aquarium or a zoo where they've been around humans i think if you move slowly and deliberately and you don't fuck around i bet neither of them will fuck with you what's the amount of time let's say are we in there for two hours are we there for an hour and then for a week are we there through like are they hungry and they're not gonna get fed yeah and we might be in trouble right are we there for just like an hour and i can just like sit in the corner and be like this is your pool

sir i think i think you could get away with both of them. If we got a time limit, I think I'm going to go pool. Yeah. If we got a time limit. Because you know what else? I think a tiger in a cage might play with you and paw you to death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just fucking around with you and you're dead. A shark, I think, is like, I am not interested in this guy.

I don't want that. And the only way I'm doing anything is if he fucks with me. I'll go in the pool if I don't give a shark enough time to work his courage up. Because I know how to... If I fucking suck him one, you know? Right in the nose, right in the eye. I think I can

get him one. He goes, Jesus, that's an apex predator over there. And he swims to the other side. Oh my. But I think if it turns into five hours'm in there five hours, six hours, he's going to commit. You know what? Fuck that guy.

I'm going back. Not to mention a single little droplet of blood or something like that, you're fucked up. You have the tip of your finger missing, something like that. You're done. Yeah, that's a good point. You go in there right now with your black person band-aid, you are in trouble.

All right, last vo in trouble. All right. Last voicemail. What do we got? Hello. So a question slash theory. So you know those friends that you have that are in relationships where all they talk about is a relationship. It's all over their social media. They say it's so great.

It's so strong to the point where you start to wonder, like, is it really as strong as you say? Are you trying to convince me? Are you trying to convince yourself and the world, you know, because it's not actually as strong? So it has me thinking, you know, all we hear about is how great the boys are, how it's so much more fun to hang out with just the boys. The the boys the boys everywhere the boys so it has me thinking uh who are you trying to convince the world yourselves is it really that as fun as you say um would love to hear your thoughts on it though i guess maybe we already know what those will be uh thanks guys i i get what she's saying the talk about how awesome it is with the boys is just

it's a necessity because it's in stark contrast to how much it sucks with the girls it's just it's just we have to explain to you how how much better and how awesome it is in comparison to i also i i've never been like yo it was the dopest mixed gender party ever we had the boys we had a couple of girls too though that were also in on the jokes and got every reference and didn't need all these questions answered and shit it was great man i didn't happen wait was that this doesn't happen it's just like it doesn't your girls can have your parties and i'm sure you have your fun you slut it up or do whatever the fuck you guys do when you want to cut loose and then the guys uh have their fun it's it's it's not

that we're trying to i don't even think we're trying to prove anything i think it's just we have so much goddamn fun yeah i i actually i get what she's saying but now that i think about it i don't get what she's saying like what what I think about it I don't get what she's saying like what is there on social that people are trying to convince people is fun well I guess it's just like if you go out and you have a great time with the boys it's like okay

you guys had fun do it again whatever but like why do you need to talk about it are you trying to like rub it in our face or is it that you're not really having fun and Are you trying to rub it in our face? Or is it that you're not really having fun and you're trying to convince yourself? I think it's just the same way you want to tell all these stories and recap the night or whatever. Remember last night when you did this?

Because it was just fucking awesome. Dude, here's the things I talk about the most. It's the boys. It's the Bruins. It's Taylor Swift. And it's Fast and Fur's the bruins it's taylor swift and it's fast and furious that's life all those make me an alex bennett genuine pie charts that's that's your life yeah and it's not i'm not trying to convince anyone i've had arguments before about fast and furious i've had arguments before about taylor swift uh i've had arguments about Taylor Swift. I've had arguments about the Boston Bruins. I'm not, I'm having discussions.

I'm not trying to convince you. I know. It's not like, it's awesome. It's not. They're awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To me,

it's not like I'm saying, man, these girls don't want to come hang out with the boys and I'm trying to convince them. Yeah. Matter of fact,

she's right. We should start being like, that shit sucks. Yeah. You don't want to come. You don't want to come. No fun. We're just hanging out here. I guess, you know what might be going on a little subconsciously though

maybe we're trying to appeal i'm thinking of if you have like a girlfriend not just like women in general maybe we're trying to appeal to the side of them that's like let me go out let me out of the house let me have some fun with the boys let me go on that weekend because it's fucking awesome yeah but that's a little subconscious thing going on perhaps but it's it's it's really indescribable which is why it's just like with the boys i think it yeah maybe it's just its own thing it's just but but part of me thinks that thanks to bus. Every time you do it. Thanks to Bussin. They invented the boys. They invented boys as we know it. I think there's something about each and every time. It's incredible how every time something happens with the boys.

Yeah. Like every time there's a story, a moment, it's never like – there are some that are better than others, but you never get together with the boys and you're like wow we whiffed like there was nothing there's not a single story to tell some are better than others some are legendary but there's always like there's always a recap i just did it last night we went out to dinner and it was the couple making out in the corner and there was the strange woman 41 year old ukrain Ukrainian woman who came up to us. And this other guy came up and called me the 62nd man. And my buddy started challenging him on commercial real estate.

And I was like, I'm going to kill everyone at the table. There's just moments every time. My buddy got shit-faced off three Manhattans in record time. He was drunk. He went from sober to drunk. And I swear to God, 45 seconds. It was incredible. And then when you're done and you come home to your girlfriend or you see girls you know the next day or anybody the next day, you're just like, I got to tell people about this, man. I got to tell you this story about the boys because it was just – it's so tellable.

It's such a moment. I want other people to experience it. I'm not trying to convince you of anything. I want you to share in the joy that is. Yeah, exactly. I want you to know about it. I'm trying to spread the gospel of the boys. With the girls, it's kind of braggadocious.

It's like, you can never have this. No, because you know what the girls do. You will never get this. They will never. They get together, and then what they do is they all go back to their respective places and they they break off about three or four different group chats where they all can talk shit about we'll talk shit about this girl with this girl but then these girls are talking shit about this girl leaving that girl out and then there's one girl's left out of the whole thing

and they're just gossiping about other people and what they don't like and what the problem was and why they hate their boyfriends and all that shit. In college, we would literally have guys that wouldn't be able to keep up with us and they would be like, I'm sorry. I'm being quiet. I can't keep up with you guys. Well, you do seem like some dogs. No, all girls are fun. And all girls,

they're just like, you don't see it. All girls are not fun. Some girls are fun. That's true. And not all guys are fun. All the boys are fun yeah some girls are fun that's true the majority and not all not all guys are fun all the boys the boys are fun the girls are fun the girls are not fun the girls there are some girls who are fun it's like a rectangle and a parallelogram sort of thing you know not all parallelograms are rectangles but all rectangles parallelograms you you the the the percentage of boys the percentage of men who are boys

is higher than the percentage of women who are girls feel me i would say so yeah yeah in my experience that's yes like i don't think i've ever had a margin like i don't think i've ever had a close girlfriend who had or a girlfriend as a whole as a whole I don't think I've ever had a girlfriend who like had her core group of friends that always stayed together

or that were like fun and like not backstabby they always end up fighting one always ends up fighting they always end up one one always ends up like fighting the other and then these i have to you know we have to be the go-between and i'm caught in the middle and blah that happens like like with me if you're gonna be in my life you only or you're only gonna have to have to learn four names that's basically it like you're gonna have to learn tom terretto taylor swift i mean like like a friend Like, you're going to have to learn... Tom Toretto.

Taylor Swift. I mean, like, of friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're only ever going to be around four dudes. Right. And I feel like with girls, like, this is my new friend. Also, that's the thing. This is your who?

Yeah, like... Like, oh, I don't hang out with her anymore. Like, John can... I can drop in on John's boys, and I know the boys. Girls, it's so hard to do that. I mean, don't get me wrong. My friend group, we all split up.

If you met me in 2007... It's the same boys. If you meet me, it's the same boys. It's not... And not much has changed. I feel like... And we're speaking generally. But of all my girlfriends,

this one I met here. Oh, no. Sorry. I haven't seen that girl in a year or two. And it's like – Oh, she's dead now. She's got a new group of friends. Yeah.

I bet all these girls out and like now we're friends. Because they burn their bridges. They're like, oh, those girls hate me now. So I got to find new ones. Also, not only is it the same group of guys, you're doing the same exact shit. And that's not to say that like boys can grow up get married have kids get divorced get a new job become a ceo blah blah blah they can you can grow and mature and and have life and experience happen all that shit but then when you're with the boys you're just the

boys yeah when girls get older and they become wives and then certainly when they become moms everything just becomes about that and they're no longer the girls which is probably a testament to your child rearing abilities but that's why you guys continue to make the world spin and the human race continue to grow while we hang out with the boys and And that's why it's awesome. At what age did you guys meet your last boy? Ooh, my last boy. I think I can pinpoint that. You said 07, right? I mean, this is my high school friend.

I met my first boy. This is great. My first boys, two guys at once, was in 1991 or two. Really? And I met my last boy, true boy, probably in 2000. There was a guy at dinner last night that I met like a couple years ago who I'd be like, you're my boy, but he's not like my boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But my last boy, 2010. 2010? I think I had a... I guess, yeah, it's probably you. I think I had a 20... 2009, maybe I met you? 2009, 2010? I met somebody after you.

Oh, really? Can't change the tiger. Oh, really? Can't change a tiger's stripes, huh? I met you in... We'll cut that. No, you can leave that. I met you in did i meet you in nine or ten ten i think so you might be my last then but either way that's a 20 year gap of boys it is like i i had my i i don't have any from

childhood like i i have you know people i'd be tight around if i saw them that would be cool but like when i i think like a big chapter change in my life would be like going to a way to a new school like yeah i didn't stay in my hometown school right so like kind of my growing up started there so everyone once i started growing up it's the same people yeah yeah i'm trying to think if there's somebody here i mean i guess like paths is my boy now yeah but co-workers are always different yeah perhaps could die he's not the boy i don't know though he might be entering boy territory jackie might be entering boy territory

this room the whole room we have boys colleen's in here colle boy the whole room we have boys colleen's in here colleen the whole room's boys that's a great question though what's the like 20 years of boys running through 20 years of boys man but i think i'm done girls changing but like that's actually not true

like you can meet a boy at any point you do have to put in time and shit certain shit has to go down but like that's actually not true like you can meet a boy at any point you do have to put in time and shit certain shit has to go down but like if if somebody came into my life now and was like if i'm if i had like a new neighbor by the way uh i got a house um i want to put that out there um middle of this month i thought so so i will be moving into a house and I would like to do the first ever Barstool Sports home renovation, home and garden, HGTV, move that truck, extreme makeover edition content ever at Barstool. landscaping and contractors and maybe some interior designers decorators uh some you know uh design layout like shifting around things in the house indoor outdoor pool all that shit um if you would like to be a part of that we're going to try to make a series out of that and you can get i'll shoot you absolutely straight We will do this for exposure and advertising and maybe, you know,

maybe, maybe, maybe you just give me a good price. And I think all the fucking nosy little perverts out there will want to see what my house looks like. So you'll get to see that and we'll get to do some, it's a, it's a house that has,

it's old and it has a lot of old. I'm so happy. I mean, not that I, I really care what your house looks like but like so many new houses look so like like you're i haven't seen it physically but i've seen pictures of it and it's like so sick and has a character yeah and i didn't think it was going to be that i thought for sure i told everyone i was like i want a brand new ass house

that is turnkey and fresh and clean, nothing broken, all that shit. And I ended up getting like an old school house, but it has brand new furnace, brand new heater, brand new central air. All the shit that can be the problem with old houses is all updated while

having like arches and turrets and all this like cool shit. The house I grew up in was like, my parents have like a beautiful home now but like the house i grew up in was like 150 years old some shit like that yeah and there's some cool shit i kind of just miss like the character yeah i got like some stained glass windows the the door is curved like like rounded like it's like a custom-made door i've been i've been i've been really laying it on thick i have not told the kids about it yet because i'm like until i have the keys and i'm in the house i don't want to get their hopes up but it's it's like this old school house and so like we're watching

um beauty and the beast and there's the castle oh yeah and i'm like man wouldn't it be crazy to live in a place like that what really looks like it is in cinderella the house they live in cinderella i was like shay how beautiful is that house could you imagine living in a place like that. What really looks like it is in Cinderella, the house they live in in Cinderella. I was like, Shay, how beautiful is that house? Could you imagine living in a house like that? You're going to cry when you show her. Oh, yeah. She was like, oh, my God, that would be amazing. Are you going to show them furnished or are you going to show them like – No, no, no.

That will take too long. Do they get to pick their rooms? Probably not. But maybe I'll be like one of these two. I think there's five. What are the other ones going to be? You have a gym? I was thinking about putting like a little –

A little fitness, Annie? I want a studio and I want a little something where I can work out or whatever. It's crazy. I'll talk more about it on the next episode. But I've been telling her like, man, I wish we had a fireplace right now. And she's like, yeah, that would be like amazing. But we have one at mom's house. So we could use that one. But it would be nice if I have one with you. And I just keep on. So I think what I'm going to do is in a couple of weeks like tell them i'm taking them somewhere else show up to the place and have them be like what is this and then you

know like just dump it on the yard is fucking huge it's like everything i've ever wanted so uh but it does it is needs to be like updated and why not so if you'd like to be a part of that reach out to me dm me and we we can figure out something for the new show. If you need a sponsor, I hear the store is available. What's up? I said if you need a sponsor, I hear the store is available. Anyway, I was going to say, if I move into this house and I have a neighbor who's awesome and is in my life every day for the next decade while we raise our kids, he might be boy territory. I can't even imagine that stress.

I'm hoping you have a cool neighbor. Oh, I won't talk to my neighbors at all. That won't happen. I'm just saying it could. The possibility of a boy is always there every time, every day, until you're dead. And that's why being a boy is awesome. Sorry, chicks.

All right, interview time. We got a double-dip interview. First up, we got Jeremiah Watkins who's on the show. We're talking about improv comedy, stand up on the spot. He's got a new special out. He's always a good hang. Good time. No, no, no.

That means like you either can or cannot. Like there's obviously levels. But like if you could get on a skateboard and skate and do some kickflips and some ollies and shit, you could could skate i can board slide and i don't even know what that means are you a board slide i get that was i'm board slide watkins what's a board slide what's that it's where there's a rail and then you go up on it and then you just do this with your board oh i thought it was grinding yeah grinding is when the trucks the metal oh okay, that's when they connect. Oh, that's even cooler. Bro, if you can do that, you're fucking Tony Hawk in my book. But do you not anymore? No.

Rarely. To break your elbow or something. I mean, I've broken my arm skateboarding. You're metal, dude. You're so authentic. If you saw the video, it's so pathetic. It's me being like, I don't want to. Bro, you want to so pathetic. It's me being like, I don't want to. Bro, you want to see pathetic.

I mean, I was, the other day we had a, for a show we do, I was carrying a skateboard. I was, I've never skateboarded. I don't know how to skateboard. I can't put my foot on the board, foot on the ground and just push. I can barely, barely do that. I can't even do that. And I'm not the most, I'm not the picture of athleticism but like when i was younger i could do other shit but like i could rollerblade i could play sports like i got you ever do the scooter did you ever do the razor

scooter that was like right after my time a little bit like i was a little bit i feel like i was at a point where i was like i don't scooter anymore when that came out. Kids were loving it and adults were probably like, this is dope. And I was like, nah, man, I had a BMX bike

that I didn't do. The Razor was lame. I think it's still lame. It was a little lame, right? Oh, yeah. I mean, it was the most popular thing that's ever happened. I was a child

and I did it to get around, but I never for a second thought I was cool. I also caught a Razor once and I was like, I'm done. I almost lost a foot. And when you had to

carry the razor, they had to wear the backpack strap. That shit was weak. But wait, so you're carrying a skateboard and what happened? It's just a level of cool.

I've never, I just had it. Maybe you should just start carrying one as an accessory. That's what I said. I said at my start, look at that picture.

Oh yeah, you're so cool here. Like you're an ultimate poser. You're so cool. It was good.'re an ultimate poser. You're so cool. It was good. It was used for a shoot, so I wasn't just carrying it. That's just a cool deck.

It is. Bro, I was just walking around. I was like, I feel fucking awesome right now. So that, we just got back. No, I'm not. Did you see the trip we went to Amsterdam with Bert? Yeah. So when I was there, one of my favorite clothing companies,

Filling Pieces, was there. I asked them to send me free stuff, and they don't. But hey, shout out. I spent like, it was like if you spent $200, it was like a pretty low amount. You get a free, one-of-a-kind,

designed, on the back, there's actually some decorations on it. But I had everybody from the Amsterdam trip sign it and put it up as like a thing because i was like i'm not obviously not going to use this to escape right right but it's a that's part of the set as far as i'm concerned yeah um but yeah that that is one thing two things i wish i did as a kid one some sort of extreme sports rollerblading skateboarding. I did have a BMX bike, but I couldn't do anything other than like a – Go through the mud?

I did the rollerblading, but I just did it because I played hockey, so I could skate. But even that, I couldn't do any tricks. You seem like you would be decent at rollerblading. I have a good rollerblader. He went through a one-day phase. He said he was going to rollerblade to work every day for like – No, it wasn't one day phase he said he was gonna roll away to work every day for like no it wasn't one day one week it was what happened was what happened was the i would come to work

and i would drink after yeah and and it's not that easy to roll away from in new york anyway because the streets aren't like you know you need a paved street to really cruise. You're stopping a lot. My blades didn't have any brake on it, thank God. It was like I would drive home a rollerblade home drunk with headphones in and I was like

there were three separate teams. I was like, I'm going to fucking die. I think you can get a DUI doing that. Can you get it? I know you can get it on a here. I think you can get a DUI doing that. Can you get it? I know you can get it on a bike. Yeah, I think you can get it, which would be the funniest way to get a DUI. Imagine you're getting cuffs or something in your blades. Guess what?

I'm the tallest fuck in my mugshot, though. I bet. You're like, motherfucker, 6'5", dude? I never did that, and I never did karate, martial arts, whatever. I wish I did some of that shit. No, I never did that. I never did like karate martial arts whatever I wish I did some of that shit no

I never did that and then MMA is like so big I know I mean I don't even know if I would have been not like I wish I was like like a tap out like you know

monkey brain fighter guy but just I wish I could handle myself sometimes MMA guys will look at my body they're like you'd be good at MMA I'm like my body they'll they're like you'd be good at mma i'm like i'm like why they're like your limbs are really long wrap around

i did that is true i would not i would not look at the body type like that guy's a cage fighter oh i could see i know i i i could see that right away i'd be like oh that's a fucking that's the guy like you said he's got limbs He's a fucking octopus Are we taking crazy pills? I feel like this is nuts I'd never be like watch the fuck out for Jeremiah But I do have some Yeah you're

You're like a tall slim guy I feel like that's what a lot of good MMA guys are Yeah but one One hit to the nose I'm just dead My face implodes on its own I don't know maybe that's like your strength it's like yeah you got a nose of iron break their fists immediately i did i did karate like really really young at a fat of like an age where you know it doesn't i don't have any knowledge of it. But the only thing I remember of it is studying weirdly hard

the night before my first class. Because the only thing you had to know was your left and rights. And I just wasn't getting it. Do you remember them now? I can still yell up. But I remember my dad being like, no, no, that's your left.

Now give me your right. No, that's your left. I mean, I'll give you your right. No, that's – there's two options. How are you not getting this? And I went the next day, and I did it for a couple of weeks maybe. But it was like – it was maybe my first anxiety attack. I'm going to get in there. I'm going to throw the left. I know what he's going to say right, and I'm going to throw my fucking left.

Your other left. My kid, he had to memorize a series of words. It was like perseverance, humility, self-respect, discipline. And he's like screaming them out loud to his master. And it's like, it's just something I never experienced. I wonder if they have to do that with MMA. Like Monster Energy Drink, Ed Hardy, Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan. experience i wonder if they have to do that with mma like monster energy drink ed hardy joe rogan ice baths these are the words these are the words that you need to know coinbase yeah that was that was when i was first out on uh on crypto i i got out but by out i mean

i never sold anything but uh i was out mentally speaking the day I was watching MMA. And I honestly don't even remember what website it is that's an ad for. Let's call it Coinbase. There was an ad in the ring, and I was like, if there – One of the exchanges? Yeah, yeah. And I was like, if I was fucking looking at this from an investment or a bank standpoint, and it was like Monster Energy

fucking what do they call it? What's the whiskey brand? Monkey Barrel. Monkey Barrel Whiskey and TNT and this bank logo was right next to it. I'm not banking with that. That's crazy.

Let's go get all the fucking meat. I'm not letting these people hold my money. It's covered in blood right now um i i gotta apologize i've been horrible over text message with you oh i've had no i've had a we had a string where like you texted me when i was recording or whatever like like a few in a row and i was like oh my god and then it was like too late to respond and i was like this is horrible so i'm happy to it's so bizarre swinging the anxiety he's gonna come on dude the anxiety you guys are having texts is the weirdest thing it is it's it's the i get in fights with people

about it now where it's just like the understanding you have to have for text messages is well he's off he wants phone calls he wants text messages to be done but it's just because

people are like I'm actually on board with that I'm so on board with that I was early told you my comment I was early

and people find that psychotic behavior I guess I don't think I don't think it's psychotic anymore there's no tone in text and the voice things i don't i don't know i don't like sending voice it's just it's it would all just be faster

if we were on the phone like there was a time when you were that don't require a conversation and then i agree don't even text me but i think that a new etiquette i wholeheartedly do that where like don't talk to me where there's not where we can i don't know there could be a new etiquette established with phone calls where there's not that check-in lulls for the first 30 seconds hey how you been what's going on i got something to tell you yeah hey real quick can you do this then yeah okay talk to you later bye yeah yeah no feelings hurt let's just get to it and it's done not this lingering of just like throwing it out there did they ever read it there was i think because our generation was like introduced to phones at a young age and

they're getting younger now but they were so new to us then and it was like we can talk to our friends all the time and you would have those perpetual conversations that went on forever and then you think because that's how you started it you kind of feel like you do it forever but it's like we don't talk like that anymore why do we have to have this never-ending conversation always ongoing yeah it's like just come when you got something to say and we'll i get it but if you if you just view it as like i guess it, but if you just view it as like – I guess it's like if you have to reply and talk, it's a problem. But I think if I'm doing something, I can't do a phone call at the same time. But I can just be like, meet me at this place, whatever it is.

You can text me, meet me at this. I'll give you a thumbs up or whatever. But I'm saying sometimes I want to say something that's a little bit longer and I'm like I don't want to text all this, but I don't want to be on the phone, so I'm going to send you the voice note. And while I don't have to be waiting for your response and I can't do anything else, I can keep doing what I'm doing. I'm driving. I'm working. I'm doing something. I'm okay with voice notes, too, as long as you're not expecting it to be a conversation.

If you want to just tell me something, that's fine. Okay. not expecting it to be a conversation if you want to tell me something that's fine okay what about a feature that there's three options a 30 second option a 60 second option and then we need some time to talk where it's like yeah or you know at a time even like oh shoot like i i call you in this and it says it says 30 second call from jeremiahkins. And then it cuts off 30 seconds. You're like, Yeah, getting that out. You're going, no, I had too many pleasantries at the beginning. I haven't even got to the point. It usually happens with significant others is where the text confusion comes in. Babe, I'm all out of my too many.

I can only do 30 seconds. But they'll be like, are you in a bad mood? I'm like, no, we're having a conversation. Now, guess what? Now I am. I'm sorry. Your call is over. 2016, I switched over to all exclamation points.

I have not sent a text to a girl that has not had an exclamation point in eight years. But then they're like, you're never going to misread my tone. Everything is like, okie dokie. Sounds good. Can't wait. It's never like, what do you mean can't wait? But then I just feel like I'm being – It's like, no.

Now it's can't wait. I'm being so fake. I don't feel like that. I'm giving you the proper emotional response to what you said. I'm giving you exactly what you deserve. How are we – is this like a – See, this sounds combative. Can I give you an exclamation point?

Can't wait. My wife has got on me because the way I text is very direct and kind of abrupt. She's like, you need to be nicer when you text my family because they're in their heads now. Yeah. Don't get it wrong. Oh, first of all, this is three autistic guys talking. Let's be clear about that. Second of all, they're in the wrong. I don't understand human emotion.

Why can I not just text you directly and you respond directly to me? I just need this to end. Yeah. They are in the wrong for getting in their heads about it, but what I'm saying is, I agree, I don't want to be fake.

I agree, I don't want to have to put on this show, but I'm also realistic, and that's just the way people are. They're in their heads they're all nervous they put self-esteem they whatever but if you separate if you take the text out of it and excuse me you call me and you're like hey do you want to do this and i go yeah that's cool that's a fine response so kevin yeah that's cool but if i said that in texas like oh you don't want to do it fucking but no i said yeah that's cool you said i said i want to go to dinner with your Kevin, yeah, that's cool. But if I said that in a text, it's like, oh, you don't want to do it. But no, I said, yeah,

that's cool. You said, I said, I want to go to dinner with your friends. I said, yeah, that's cool. Yeah.

So Kevin, you'll text a girl. Sex was great last night with an exclamation point. And then she's like, this guy's a psych. I, I, I finally,

and I, you, I, I use it. I'm with you. This guy's a liar. When I'm texting with a girl and it's actually bled into everybody. Now it's how I talk to everyone.

I talk to everyone like a child. It's infantilizing to me. We're like, I need three exclamation points for a simple question because I don't want you to think it's rude with a one exclamation point. That's fucking insane to me. You are not wrong, brother. It's very. You're not wrong, but you're not right. It's just like it makes everything feel very childish.

This isn't a fucking toy well then i run into like uh trying to think of uh i feel like recently i was talking to a guy or a group chat and there was some exclamation points and i was kind of like well this is gay definitely can't exclamation point with fellas no i do it to everyone now it's like hell yeah it was ready for amsterdam it is so stupid it is like i wonder what the uh what the equivalent throughout history of these type of things have been you know what i mean oh like well like with like the ink signing up my letter yeah like you know oh i said regards i should have said with love fuck i didn't i didn't say my dearest yeah yeah yeah i forgot to put the the date at the top or whatever the fuck you know because at least with the text you can't fix it the uh yeah if you sent

it from fucking kentucky during the civil war you're in trouble well yeah that's that's the thing in the civil war when they're sending letters and stuff like the dot dot dot that they were looking at was for months. Yeah, yeah. When is a letter going to arrive? I got shot three times since this letter got. That's why I love Eurotrip. Is it Eurotrip?

No, no, no. What am I thinking of? The first one. What's the opposite? Roadtrip. Roadtrip, yes. Because he sends the sex tape by accident, right? In the mail.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, we've got to beat it. That sends the sex tape by accident, right? In the mail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, we gotta beat it. Right. That is such a dated, like, that was probably the last year that movie could, like, make sense and play, you know? Yeah. What was I watching recently? Something was, something made, like, it referenced, like, oh, I don't have service or something because it was like every

scary movie and every murder scene would be fixed by help you know and they were like oh I don't have bars or whatever every single thriller movie just starts now there's no service out here check that box

it's like let's just agree it's like Home Alone could never happen now. Oh, that's the problem with Home Alone. Not the eight-year-old who turns into a Navy SEAL. Have you heard of a ring cam? They would have called the cops immediately. My son's being terrorized by two people. My sister showed me a ring cam video that her friends had.

One of their friends was drunk and fell down but then they were like they also um like had video of her afterwards in the bathroom like falling down or whatever i was like in the bathroom to bring are people putting ring cameras and cameras and shit like everywhere in their house? Yeah, I told you about my buddy. In their bathroom? If it's not in your toilet, you're doing it wrong. In his ring cam video, I have this person's asshole. Like, that's not, you can't fucking put cameras

up in your bathroom. The bathroom seems to be a stretch, although at the last Barstool office, I thought for sure there were cameras in the bathroom. So I used to be like, I can't jerk off.

I never masturbated. That's what stopped me. These new ones, though. You jerk off in this bathroom. You're disgusting. Not to say I won't do it, but I haven't done it, but I won't do it. I can say I definitively have not done it here.

Milton, that was a different story. I painted the walls. No, no, I'm kidding. I did, but I didn't come on the walls. It just kind of dribbled out on my fingers. Wiped on an old paper towel. It was just toilet paper. Catching Jackie's face every now and then. The whole Milton office was just just like the bathroom was also

like the trash bin there was just paper towel rolls everywhere but no paper I'm sorry not paper towels toilet paper rolls but like

just the cardboard at the end with the empty roll I honestly I'm kind of making a joke I don't I don't remember vividly doing it

have you ever fucked one of those have I ever fucked one no you did really did you put anything aside I um it was still

the toilet paper roll so I could almost like push down on the toilet paper you know and then you had to take some cardboard it was lewd up

oh okay so it was like wet how old were you I was like 29 no you know it was in the phase when you're fucking anything

yeah yeah no i had a buddy you ever downed it toilet paper that's that different different i had a no it was terrible i think i like probably had like you know uh paper paper cuts or whatever like skin burn or whatever it's called afterwards i never did it again but i when i tell you i tried to fuck everything i tried to fuck everything i had a buddy who said he would uh he'd microwave a bat like a ziploc bag of vaseline and they put it between the couch cushion sure why not and then he'd get on his knees and he fucked that yeah i don't think i ever did i didn't do anything like that a lot like i wasn't macgyver and shit i was i tried to stick it in a shampoo bottle once but that was it i i had another buddy who who said said, and we already knew about the joke at the time,

so I don't really believe him, but he said he did the peanut butter on his balls. For a dog? Yeah. I don't believe him. He was kind of one of those kids where it was like, eh, I don't know. I'd be so mad at myself if I did that. As soon as I came, I'd be like, this wasn't fun. Yeah, talk about your post-not-clarity. First of just because it's like as soon as i came i think this wasn't fun yeah like i'm talking about your post not clarity you know you got it first of all it's a mess you're

like oh my god i got no the dog's there he cleans it if you still got a mess you got a lazy dog finish the job dog wasn't even into sex with you man you left the peanut butter on your nuts but like i would just be i live i live in inside my crazy brain i live inside a truman show world where i i i have a worry an unnecessary amount about being hooked up to a lie detector test and i think to myself what if you do some dumb shit like put peanut butter in your balls for the dog when you're like 14 and then as an adult one day you're like 14 and then as an adult one day you're like yeah i i have to own that i have to be that guy just it's a weird black mirror episode i think yeah yeah yeah i remember i i was at uh once you're old i think

you're all right i went to i went to legion skanks a couple years ago when they had a poly polygraph in in the rooms for their interns yeah Yeah. And I saw that thing, and I was like, I don't want to be here. Yeah. They just hooked me up to it. You know, like, what? And those guys, you know what I mean? Right. And then I'd have to admit that I put the peanut butter on my balls,

which I didn't. But if I did, you know what I mean? I swear to God, I didn't do it, okay? You're going to put out a book like OJ did. I didn't, but if I did, it's out and go. There was a time, it was actually during the pirate saga. At the old office, we had a kid who downloaded porn. He torrented porn, and then we got email.

We got a letter from Comcast, whoever provides our internet, where it was like, you've illegally downloaded porn. Everyone in the office, there were like five people in the office. Everyone denied it. An investigation was launched. It wasn't anything serious. No one was getting in trouble. We were just five people in the office everyone denied it an investigation was launched into it wasn't nothing serious no one was getting in trouble we were just trying to figure out

who did it and someone put forth the idea let's get a lie detector so I think probably Gaz was like googling

how to get a lie detector test and I turned into like it was like hang on my lawyer a hardened no I was the lawyer

yeah I was like that's a dangerous precedent we're setting around here. Just a slippery slope, man. I didn't want it in the office. I didn't even know what I would be asked, but I was like, I don't want that around. I don't want to have to be hooked up to that. Yeah, hook you up to say, did you download the porn?

No, next question. How many things have you put in your ass? What do you do? You know, it's like, that was not part of it. It's going crazy. It's not even – you know, whether you answer it truthfully or not, it doesn't matter. You're going off the charts. I'd be the guy going, statistically, we know this is not true.

These are, you know, only 60% of the time they're effective. And, you know, these aren't submissible in court. There'd be a pool of blood at the bottom of my foot because I read once or I heard once on a TV show that a thumbtack. A thumbtack under the nail. I'd have nails that's gotta be i i i don't doubt that that's like there's got to be some truth to it but if you can put a fucking nail into your foot or underneath your fingernail and like keep keep cool so that people don't go oh wait that guy's putting a nail under yeah yeah i used to work at a jack bauer an italian

restaurant where uh quickly grab orders to go and stuff like that. And there was a lip on the counter that had come up. And I reached for a bag. And it went right underneath my nail. A big blue shoot, like torture. And I literally, I almost passed out immediately. I bet. I started gushing blood.

And then I was like, are you okay? And they're like, you need to sit down. Because it was so painful. So it went in and then you had to pull it out. And then I had to pull it out. Bruise immediately. No, it went like – yeah. It grows out.

Yeah, it looks all weird and purple. I mean that's literally one of the tortures. Yeah. It's like if you have to really torture a terrorist, you get the bamboo shoots out and go to the fingernails. John's only got nine fingers. I kind of tipped my finger off. I did not. But I did, like,

a good chunk of my, like, a little tip of my finger, and then a little sliver, and then the top nail. But I did the same thing you did, where I was like, I turned white, and I was like, I'm going to pass out, I'm going to pass out. And I walked to the hospital, and the hospital was like, get the fuck out of here, you bitch. I live right by a hospital. They were like, what do you want us

to do? Get the fuck out of here. We've got live right by a hospital they're like what do you want us to do get the fuck out of here we've got serious issues in here yeah yeah basically yeah um but fuck i was gonna say something i forgot yeah uh if you want us to give you a pussy then you're in the right place it is like i'm still wearing a band-aid on it but i go i'm probably over the band-aid stage i was gonna say i'm gonna the band-aid stage. I was going to say that. I'm going to be wearing – We're milking this thing. I'm going to be wearing this thing. Let's see what it looks like right now.

I'm going to show up with it on the fucking wrong finger. It's fine. It's really fine. It's totally fine. The band-aid is gross. Dude, that band-aid is done, brother. It's so dark. I thought it was like...

No, it's just a color. I put it on this morning. It matches your pants kind of. Dude, how does that band-aid look like it's a lost and found band-aid? That thing is freaking old, dude. It looks like it's wet and old, right? Yeah. It's dry.

It's a wall grease. That looks like it was passed down from generations of fail birds. This is your injuries we're talking about. That's from your of fail birds. This is yours now. More injuries we're talking about. That's from your grandpappy. You're going to find this at a fucking water park soon. I'm not a germaphobe type guy. Stuff doesn't really gross me out.

Band-aids, though, do. Yeah, the floating. I picked this one up at Busch Gardens. That is one thing that I'll, you know, yeah, you see that in a urinal or a sink or – even if it's like my kid's band-aid. It's at my house. I know that's like my family. I'm like, get rid of that. That's like his Black Panther suit.

It doesn't hurt, but it still hurts when I bump shit. So it's just kind of like a cushion. A little baby. I bring it up. It's just I of like a cushion. Oh, little baby. I didn't bring it up. It's just I wear a little protective thing for my injury. Jackie said that she thought my toe injury was grosser than yours. Yeah, you did. Yeah.

Yeah, you did. But she did say it was way, way, way more intense. And she thought it was way tougher. Like you could see the skin. The flayed? It was bad. Yeah. I saw it.

I had a pussy in my toe i tried to i would try to fuck with her um so what's good with you man what do we got going i i feel like i've um probably like the last like three or the last four people we've had in it was talking about comedy on the spot oh yeah it's been going real well man because i um burt the other day said he was like live podcasts are fucking hard that was the first time i heard somebody say something like that because i feel like live podcasting is like the bastard redheaded stepchild of stand-up comedy where it's like that's not real comedy you know yeah it's not and i and i i don't compare the two but it is there is a different you know element of going up on stage not knowing what

you're going to say sure because a comic you have your whole routine we get up there we're just like i hope the conversation is funny otherwise we're fucked you know yeah and then someone was like well you know what about when you combine both and it's and we were talking about your show because it's like you you know stand-up uh podcasting you don't have to get a laugh every couple seconds or whatever. It's like we're doing stand-up comedy, comedy on the spot, they're expecting it. And if you don't get it, I mean, I think it's one of the most impressive things going on in the

comic world right now. Thanks, man. Yeah, it's for those of you who don't know, it's comedians go on stage with no prepared material, ask the audience for suggestions, the audience yells out stuff, and then you have to create stand-up on the spot based on those suggestions. So, the comic is immediately kind of like an animal that's backed up against a wall and you're having to fight for your life out of that so any comic who does it i always like i'm grateful that they do it and commend them and the audience should

commend them as well because it i i tell the people flat out i'm like this is the hardest show in comedy it's literally the hardest show it might be the hardest thing in the world like i can't i i would uh i would probably end up getting like canceled or something because i feel like in that spot you back people against the wall and they just go for the lowest hanging fruit and the old like i think this is you're gay a joke you know what i mean like that would just be like the worst punch line that you can just think of on the spot before the sets go out i i send the sets for approval before anything gets uploaded because naturally sometimes when you're scraping and clawing you will go for a joke that even might not even be bad but you might be like ah this is just like hackier than i would like that to be i don't want that out there just because like you're just scrambling to get a

laugh right and then you're just like at that moment you got a you got a silent audience and you're like sweating you're like i'll say whatever right right right now yeah you know yeah we did one uh last night at new york comedy club and it was it was awesome i'm trying to come out here every like three or four months to do it with the New York comics out here, because there's so many that are amazing. I commend the people who sign up for it, though. I think it's probably a lot easier to just say, thanks, but no thanks. I'm going to do my written material.

Yeah, and also, there will be comics who do the show who, after the fact, they'll see their set, and they're like, I don't really want that going out. And they're like, totally understand. It's all good. Do you get that a lot uh not a lot but every once in a while people will ask to be like they're like i'd rather not be included or they'll be like we you can keep you and i on stage together you and i riffing because what i try to do when i'm on stage with somebody else is i'm trying to set them up for success where they can you know spike it and

stuff like that and make them look good and make help them shine or that's not easy either i mean that's you know it's yeah it's something that like podcasting does definitely help over the years but i've also been doing stand-up on the spot for over 12 years now so you go out there you're like not even nervous you're just like it'll be fine i mean i just know my set is always the hardest because I'm introducing the format. So my set is going to be 50-50 with the audience either way. By the way, do people know they're going in or do they think they're going to a comedy show? It's a mix. As the show goes on, more fans will come out who love Stand Up On The Spot that are there for that.

But you'll get people who just like the lineup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the lineup is always – yeah, yeah. They'll see a name that they like and that'll bring them out or they're just happening to want to see comedy that night so when i come out i'm introducing them i'm like hey this is the format i need you guys to get on board and sometimes it takes my set to kind of warm them up just to the idea of getting on board with the premise of even just to have the idea i'd imagine of participating yeah well yeah

give it some thought and don't just yell the lame shit. Like give it, you know. Oh, I do like a pre-taping, a little bit of a coaching session that has helped

the tape shows a lot because I'm like, don't yell out the things that we get every single show. Don't yell. Kanye, Elon Musk,

dildos, every single show. Every single show. If I don't say, don't yell that out, it's going to anal or dildos every show. Pegging almost every show. It's crazy how much people are like, what did they have to say about that? Do pegging because it's totally something I would never do. I want to hear about it on stage.

Yeah, but do you have like a joke about it? Because that'd be so crazy if somebody actually did that. Maybe like an instructional one on the best way to do it or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think is one standout as the best that you've ever done? The best?

Maybe the best topic or the best person. Just whatever. The shining moment of standup on the spot. Ooh, that, I the shining moment of stand-up on the spot. Ooh, that, I mean. There's a lot. It's hard. So we started really just taping them as a series just in this last year and a half, two years.

The first one that we kicked off still is an awesome one. Some of the stand-out sets that have gone kind of viral are like Shane Gillis' more recently. Ralph Barbosa we had. Like kind of before he popped, it was like a weird thing where he killed stand-up on the spot and then he was kind of coming up and then that caught on the same time.

And Tim Dillon has done it back in the day. Okay, so one so my favorite okay so one of my favorite comics uh to do it in los angeles that if you guys aren't familiar with do you know tony baker i don't think so he does uh on instagram he has a ton of viral videos for like the animal voiceovers and stuff like that but anyway he is one of the best comics to do it in la you have 2.5 million followers he's incredible of the best comics to do it in LA. Damn, 2.5 million followers. He's incredible at the show. I love the internet, man. It's like, here's a guy I haven't heard.

2.5 million followers. Like, the world is so fucking big. And he's a phenomenal comic, and he's done it a bunch. He's one of my favorite guys to do the show in LA. And then Mark Norman did the show again last night. He's just built for that show. He's a joke machine. Yeah.

Comedy. It's, um... The Jews. Don't tell me he's funny me started yeah he's a guy you've seen him yesterday at the at the rally yeah yeah i haven't seen his video he's putting one out he was just full cop but he had a sign on his back that said i am not a real cop oh okay so i think that was probably like a legal thing oh yeah he didn't want to you know i don't i do not want to be dressed as a cop for my own safety. Especially at someone's rallies.

Fuck you, pig. Get hit in the brick. I'm an comedian. I'm Mark Norman. I know what one side thinks about the cops. I've seen what the other side did to the cops. I'm not fucking a cop, dude. Being a cop is the worst.

Yeah, that'd be... Especially yesterday. Fuck that noise. Do you, have you watched Middle Ditch and Schwartz on Netflix from a few years ago?

No, they do like a two-man like improv. Bro, it is, I, you know, improv kind of had the stigma

of like nerdy, like, When it's good, it's incredible. When it's good, it's incredible. When it is good, it is mind-blowing. I mean, these guys have callbacks and they're introducing

new characters and they have the audience joining physical act-outs and the memory. I'm just like, no way! This started from nothing and they're like an hour and ten minutes into the same storyline. I'm just like, no way. This started from nothing. And they're like an hour and 10 minutes into the same storyline. And I'm like. I used to run lights at Second City in LA for Keegan-Michael Key's improv group.

Does that literally mean like you're doing the lights? Yeah. I'm literally like. So at the end of the. So like I literally bring them up with music, turn on the house lights, and then it's the person in the booth's job at an improv show to button the show with the lights at the end. It's your job to say when the show ends to call it. So I would be waiting for a moment, and then he would always come on and be like, like, like, dude, great call. Um, but he,

that was some, his group, uh, it was, um, an, uh, an improv group. They,

they were all based out of Detroit. Originally they all like, that's where they were from. They, they went to second city in Detroit and they came up there. Um, it was called the three one three. It was,

uh, him, Josh Funk. Yeah, exactly. Uh, and, and a bunch of, uh, funny uh funny detroit comics and uh it was some of the best improv i've ever seen in my life that is a whole lot but i mean that's you know similar

what comedy uh stand up on the spot i was like before key and peel and all this stuff and yeah to me i was like this is you know the coolest thing i've ever seen yeah yeah and you know if you you told someone I'm in an improv comedy troupe, they'd be like – Oh, there's a bad stigma about it. I mean – Because as good as the good is, the bad is like, oh my god. Sure. I still really tip my cap to anybody who tries to do it because it's like – public speaking, the most terrifying thing in the world for everybody,

and these guys do it off the rip. but when it's bad it's bad when we had when we had ben on i think for the first time he i told him i was like i've never seen he was promoting middle-aged sports yeah and i was like i've never seen it and he's like don't see anything before it which is like such a like a cop you don't watch anybody else but yeah he's like i don't want you to think it's bad yeah don't watch anything else watch mine first yeah like that's like don't worry i know i crush it yeah yeah that i will be the ambassador of improv yeah that's cool um i i uh i also remember that same interview he tried to do it a little bit with us remember you like oh yeah it wasn't it was like making some noises.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretend you're this and you make a noise like that and just doing that for 10 seconds. I was like, I'm sweating. I'm nervous. I'm the worst. I'm lame.

Oh, yeah. So it was like short form like improv games that he was... It was 10, yeah. In this moment, it was like, you're a monkey and you're like an elephant

who's interested in him and it was like, make a noise, make a noise and I was like, no, can't do it. I'm nervous. I'm it i'm nervous yeah yeah yeah so to be like to go out there i mean i go out uh to do a live podcast and it's just talking to my best friend in the last 15 years sure and i pour with sweat and i get nervous and i'm red and i'm in my head i can't imagine being like now i'm gonna have to create an hour of like you know physical rambunctious funny comedy

yeah no fucking way i could do it yeah he'd be a good guy to try to get on uh stand up on the spot in the future yeah i mean he would murder it i i i think it's a um it's a i have dementia by the way i can't think of words anymore it's okay so you have to bear with me. What is the word you would say for it's – I was going to say – here's how bad the dementia has gotten. I was going to say commension. Commension. Commension. Not a word. Commendation?

Yeah, kind of like it's – oh, my God. This is bad. I really think I have dementia. I have early onset Alzheimer's. Like the fact that the comics are willing to do it for you, for your show. The fact that they're like, I'll go out there. It's a testament to you. Testament, that's the word. There you go. To you, that they're like, yeah, I'll...

It's kind of a risk. It's kind of a... It's a risk for sure. I try to make it as safe as possible situation with... By saying... Any comic who I'm asking to do the show i believe in and i've been doing the show for so long that i'm like hey if i think that you are funny enough in this

situation then it's going to work like because comics come in apprehensive all the time to do it of course but then almost i would say 99 of the time the comic will leave the show being like that was actually really fun yeah like i don't know why I was so in my head about it it's just like kind of like convincing like hey you're funny

you're great like there's a reason why you're here right like just throw yourself in it's an interesting way to get material too

oh yeah because it's like oh I never would have thought about that but actually I do have a funny thought about it well

the biggest testament to the show sometimes is comics will walk out of the show with a new bit and i've seen them end up like working on stuff where it ends up going on specials yeah or typically that i'm like that's so cool that i got to see the inception of that idea in real time on stage yeah right this is this is no not it's apples and oranges and yada yada i'm not trying to commit a comparison by any stretch but we used to do a comparison by any stretch. But we used to do a thing, a segment on the show called The Office,

where we'd go around The Office and we'd be like, give us a topic to talk about today. So it was getting someone to do our job, and then we'd start talking about stuff. And we'd be like, actually, this is pretty fucking funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I never would have thought to have the Civil War as a topic today. But we actually have some good shit. We should bring that back.

We should bring that back, I think. Because it's like, you just talk about what's in the news right now, what's happening in the moment, and what's viral or whatever. But yeah, why don't we talk about the pyramids or some shit? I'm sure we got some funny thoughts on that as well.

Do you find that audiences, anytime we've been like, let's do an audience segment of the show, and they're like the questions sometimes are just like no never mind this is why you're like there and we're up here because it'll it's not it'll happen for sure i tell the comics because it is uh suggestions with the audience i tell the comics don't settle keep going until you until you are are happy with the suggestion you don't have to riff on something that you're like,

I don't want to talk about that because that's going to shine through. Part of stand-up, you've got to be passionate about what you're talking about. You've got to be invested in the topic. If somebody's like, these suck, then it's not going to be as good as somebody's like, oh, yes.

Then you're off to the races. I love Shane. Shane's like, shut the fuck up. That one sucks. You're a buddy, you know, then you're off to the races. I love Shane. Shane's like, shut the fuck up. That one sucks. Yeah. You're funny, you're not. I like, we also have a segment called Cat Fights where it was Feidelberg and Big Cat. And I would give them two opposite sides of an argument for 30 seconds and 30 seconds. Old school debate.

Yeah. Yeah. I would obviously always make it like they had to argue the other side of what I know they believe in or whatever. Because that's where it gets really funny. It's like I know you can argue what you really believe in, but put the other – That segregation one was tough. Which side were you on?

I had to fight for it. Wait, that was a joke. I didn't really do that, did I? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I decided to say it in 2023. I had to pause for a second and go, I might have said. Okay, 30 seconds on that clock. Segregation.

I don't know. It kind of exists already anyway, right? It naturally just happens. New special is out yeah daddy it's called daddy on my YouTube Jeremiah Watkins daddy

yeah it's a good it's mostly material but it's like a good mix of what I do in my hour when I go on the road like I riff and I do crowd work

in the special as well because if you come see me on the road I don't know how many I guess there's some crowd but I feel like most specials stick to do crowd work in the special as well because if you come see me on the road that's how many uh i guess there's some crap but like i feel like most specials stick to you know yeah but i like for me like that's not what i would do if you came to see me live so i'm like i'm still gonna sprinkle in like some in the moment stuff yeah i think it's cool i think they're

the first one i remember and you know i don't have this vast knowledge of comedy but i remember watching the tennessee kid with Vargatze. Every special I'd ever seen was just so perfect and cut. Nate was like, yeah, I'm going to end it with, I'll give you some updates on some old stories. Yeah, yeah, the Starbucks thing. Yeah, the Starbucks and the

Cape Fear Serpentarium. I was like, oh, it's a different thing than I've seen, rather than just the tight hour and the punchline. I think there's a uh compulsion and a desire to like have it be the tight hour where it's like everything goes perfect and yeah why not just be like like uh we we both have talked about how we like when someone has a notebook on stage and they're trying something new it's almost like you see how the sausage is made right i've seen a bunch of great comedy sets but i haven't really seen as a comic work through new material and see what works and what doesn't work and and so you see a little bit of

like it doesn't have to always be you can break the fourth wall right you could you know and and putting that in your special it's like if that's what you do why not show that yeah part of it too yeah and it's also that's one of my strengths as a comic is being in the moment so like why would i be like i'm not doing that yeah it's special what do you think of the the state of specials in general i feel like it's a word that gets tossed around you know i think it's now and it's kind of like i mean i it's constantly changing right now i think we're in a very weird landscape where the youtube route uh is the best route for a lot of comics my my first special was released on amazon but i could never get the analytics on what the actual views were or regions or anything like that so to to me, it makes it not as worthwhile to go back to release it like that.

So where I'm like, I'm in control. It's on my channel. I know exactly how well it's doing or how when I go on certain podcasts, where I'm seeing little bumps and stuff like that. So I don't know.

I think that a lot more people are going to be self-releasing, but it's probably going to be a bubble that's going to pop. Yeah. That it'll be oversaturated. I honestly almost think it's like... It might be there right now. The word is almost the problem.

If you told me once a year I put out a video that is the culmination of my year of comedy, meaning these are the jokes I've been telling, and maybe it's even footage from each of these spots rather than one night of filming. But it's just like, I'm a comic, you like me, this is my whole process for the year, and then those jokes are gone and I do it again.

But to be like, this is my one hour special, and it's like, well, then you're going to get fucking compared to Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle. And it's like, then you're going to get fucking compared to Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle and it's like some of you comics are some of you

are on that level some of you are not some of you shouldn't even be probably putting out a special yet

because you're working you know I think specials are like porn stars okay I like this flesh it out

where it's just like it's like someone you do porn you do porn you're not a porn star you do porn you do comedy you don't need a porn star. You do porn. You do comedy.

You don't need to do the gangbang. You're going double anal right away? All right. You're opening with it? I don't know. What's your closer look? That is one of my favorite bits in 30 Rock. It's like Lindsay.

Lindsay. I don't know why I said Lindsay. Tina Fey walks in on – Oh, no. She's leaving. Tracy Morgan and his wife starting to have sex. She just goes, oh, you start with that? That is an interesting – I think the porn generation has radically changed how it goes.

You know what I mean? Like I think people are diving in to things really early. Yeah, I mean it's so accessible. Yeah. Everything is so accessible. But I mean it just makes it so commonplace that it's like, yeah, I'm hooking up with this girl for the first time. Sure, I'll put that in there or whatever. Yeah, well, but I'll say this, though.

If you attach it to other things you do in life, first time I stepped on a basketball court, I tried to dunk. Yeah. Why would you? I wasn't going for a layup my first time. I was like, I'm going to see if I can touch a rim. Right. It is.

Do you still play? I've never played. I mean, I have played in my life, but I play a little CYO. We were in Arizona for the Super Bowl, and there was a basketball court at the Airbnb that Barstool rented, and John took one shot and threw it over the fence. No, I took a couple shots. I missed a few. I hit zero.

I took a few shots. Let's play knockout. Shoot some basket. No, ball's I took a few shots before. I was like, oh, let's play knockout, shoot some basket. No, gone. Ball's gone. I played hockey. So it was like, I'm sure I imagine it's still the same type of way. But you're either a hockey player or a basketball player. And you decide that at two years old.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, those two do not mix. But I think the comparison I always make is golf and sex. I think are two. You step on the golf course and you're like, how come I can't? How come I can't shoot like Tiger? It's like because you're not. Yeah.

Yeah, you have access to it, but you're not as talented. Same thing with sex. It's like you're not going to be good at this. It's a hard sport. I used to caddy back in the day, and I was never good at golf. I worked at a golf course. Yeah, just because you suck at golf, but I can't. And he's a pretty athletic dude.

Yeah. Did you ever do ball spotting at the tournament? Yeah. What a weird – do you know what that is? You literally stand – Are we talking about porn now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stand at the bottom of a hill or just something that's out of sight,

the way that the a hill or just something that's out of sight. Uh, if the way that the course bends or whatever, and you're literally at the bottom standing there with a couple other ball spotters. And then you're just like, sir, your balls right there. They have a whole,

they just keep a bunch in your pocket. Like you find out what the guy's playing with. And if you don't want to go too far to go like find it, you just like throw one, like where it's like right in the fairways. I just bounce right back. If you lost sight of it, you just throw one where it's right in the fairways. It just bounces right back. If you lost sight of it, you're like, that's right here. And then they're like, here's a 20.

They tip you. They tip you. The guy who knows your line. I mean, yeah. They might know that you're lying. Like, hey, you did good today. I've never heard of this. I didn't grow up.

I don't know anything about that world that's amazing i need that for right off like i need that on a fucking straight fairway i i need that for life i need that just like lie to me and tell me yeah yeah yeah but i can't when i play golf mr glancy your dick is looking very big today. Thank you. That podcast was absolutely amazing. The feedback is great. You don't need to see that. Just lie to me, baby. Ball spotting.

And that's separate from caddying. They can go hand in hand, but sometimes you've got a ball spotter. Yeah. For tournaments and stuff like that, they will sometimes just have ball spotters that are at the bottom. You literally are running ahead uh at each hole just to spot balls yep and caddying you guys used to make bank though right yeah i remember the the the jewish kids who got their bar mitzvah and the caddies were like

big ballers and me the gentile who never went to a country club was like i can't even buy a pair of sneakers that uh what what uh kid jobs like you jobs did you work as a kid um i well in caddying ball spot caddying ball spotting uh ball spotting is indeed i term i did it's exactly what you're doing but it sounds weird i know it's weird yeah Yeah. I did a lot of being in the Midwest. I would shovel a lot of drives, like go to neighbors' houses and just shovel snow, mow lawns. Oh, I think it was probably like $10 or something like that. It is crazy the child labor they get away with. It's like $10.

To do a whole drive? I think so. Back in the day. I think $20 would have been kind of a lot. I'm not even kidding you. I think it would have been like $10. If you came to my place when I had Austin said, I will shovel in your drive, it's going to be $1,000.

I think I'd be like, okay, here you go. I mean, that is the worst activity. That stuff. Breaking the ice with a shovel. Yeah, yeah. $10? Yeah. You're shoveling in Breaking the ice with a shovel. Yeah, yeah. Oh, $10. Yeah. You're shoveling in like the 1600s.

Yeah. Yeah, I would mow lawns, rake leaves, pull weeds, do landscaping. It was all around families and friends' houses and stuff like that. Just to make money to save up for whatever. The saxophone that I was trying to pay off is that where you play the sax yeah yeah yeah that's the saxophone is one of those things i think either goes like you're super cool or you're a dork you know right right a lot of instruments are like that sure the sax i feel like can be like you're this like smooth jazzy fucking yeah you know or it's like you're in the band i'm like the saxophone dork yeah i play saxophone yeah spit everywhere yeah marston no my maggie

simpson yeah yeah she was uh lisa right lisa yeah she was she was like the dorky kid yeah but she was also when she was on that tenor why is it called daddy the special uh so this is about a triple entendre for the different daddies uh my you know i one of the jokes in the special is i don't want my son calling me daddy because the adult entertainment industry daddy yep you know you know what daddy's also a gay term yeah i'll be honest though having having some experience the other day my kid called me dad and i was like what the fuck is this about yeah it felt like she called me kevin yeah yeah hey dad i was like hey dad fuck you yeah yeah you want daughter daddy bitch then it is but then it is like wait a a minute. Whoa, right, right, right. I still do wonder, what do you think of the percentage of people who are unironically or using daddy?

You know, like I think it's sexy. I want to call you daddy. And it's not just cause it's either you're kind of clowning around or because it's just like in pop culture. Now that the people out there, the originators out there who are really set, we think John found the first one.

John, John had a girl called daddy and in, what, like 10? 10, 11, yeah. Old school. I'll tell you where it was. It was Storrs, Connecticut, home of the five-time champions. Yeah, that's right. And she was into it.

Oh, I didn't ask her to do it. I was taken aback. She was like, yeah, Daddy. And I was like, wait, what the fuck is that? And you're like, daughter, please stop this. I was like, that is new. And shout like daughter please stop this i was like that is that is you know she's hey yo and shout out to her she called her shots like it's gonna be a thing did she yeah yeah she's like was it alex uh-huh was it alex it was like uh no she was like she's

like it's like my friends know it like it's a cool thing like it's gonna be a thing i was i wasn't like an old person but i was out of college and i don't know when i mean i feel like i heard a lot of like poppy and mommy in the spanish culture but i like have you ever heard a white girl say poppy to you no that sounds awesome has a white girl called you poppy no but that'd be cool oh yeah i've been called poppy i'll tell my wife hey can you call me poppy fine that's fine but that was i actually think a white girl calling me poppy i'd be like this is silly hispanic girl calls me poppy it's like i have done my job it was i mean that's it's probably the hardest thing that's ever happened to me

a gay guy complimenting your outfit a black dude calling you cool and a Spanish girl calling you poppy. That's the holy trinity. I was shit-faced and probably high. It was in Colombia, so I was high on cocaine. Our sponsor today. Colombian cocaine. I still have the vivid image in my head. Was it sexual? Oh, I was mucking barn.

And she said, like, eat that pussy, poppy? She she just said she was just a moment hi poppy yeah tiny cigarette here lights okay so so there's there's that what was the? You said it's a double slash triple entendre. Yeah, I'm a new dad. How old? He turns two this week, and then we got another one on the way. Congrats. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? Another boy. Shooting strong.

See, I always said I got lucky and got a boy and a girl. Well, lucky, depending on how you look at these things. But if I had a girl first, I always said I'm only going to have two kids because I'll either have a boy and a girl. Yeah. Then we got one and one and we're done. Or if I get a girl and you have a second girl, there's no way you can try for your boy because you've ended up with three girls. Right. It's like you're – Right. Imagine having three teenage women and three girls. It's like you're...

Imagine having three teenage women and your wife. It's just crazy. You can't do it. You can't do it. So either way, I was like, I don't know what's going to happen, but it's going to stop at that point. I know a guy who has five daughters. Wow. He's always happy. Five daughters and now they

I'm pretty sure had his daughters only had daughters. I think maybe like one boy snuck in there. But this man is surrounded by like, probably like a dozen women, yeah. Of all ages. And I was just like, God bless you, man. You used to see him at like the local bar every now and then.

Just, you know, happy guy. He's not one of these dads, all these women in my life. He like embraced it and loved it, but it's so expensive and so dramatic and so you know that's the uh to reference bargazzi again my favorite to his when he talks about how he went from his mom to his wife to now he has a daughter he's like so i'll never have a woman in my life going i don't know if i do that and your boys too you said yeah yeah so you're in the thick of it man that's gonna be

yeah yeah that's that's no joke yeah two and a newborn is that's like kind of right around what i had like one and a half i'm trying to psych myself up for what's to come what's the when's the due date in june beginning of june yeah i know you just went somewhere like i always i think people have different opinions on i think going from one to two some people say going from one to two is harder than going from zero to one and i could not disagree more really i mean zero to one your life as you know it yeah ends and rebirth you know like everything is different one to two is like it's hard but it's like you're in baby mode already zero to one you're like i'm not going out anymore i'm not traveling anymore i'm not partying anymore i'm like i have to change everything about me

that's why we wanted to have them kind of closer in age just kind of get those early yeah years yeah and then also like i'm close with my siblings and we're like two and three years apart. Yeah, me and my brother are four. And then my brother and my sister are... Me and my sister are seven and my brother and my sister are 11. So my parents were... They made a mistake. They were like, wait, my mom's always like,

I wanted a girl so bad, and I got one. But, man, yeah, I mean, the special seems like it's, feels like everything's going good for Jeremiah. Things are good. Yeah, no complaints. Yeah, I'm grateful for where I'm at and just, you know, going to keep the head down and keep working. You know, that's all we can do sometimes. You want to do Answer the Internet? Yeah.

Let's do it, baby. Let's do it. Special's on YouTube. Special's on working. That's all we can do sometimes. Do we answer the internet? Yeah. Let's do it. Specials on YouTube. It's called Daddy. Leave some kind of KFC comment. Let me know that's where you came from. I like that. The podcast, Jeremiah Wonders. Jeremiah Wonders, Scissor Bros. If you guys are in LA, you've got to come do some challenges

or something with us. You guys are fucking wild. Give me the craziest thing you guys are in LA, you got to come do some challenges or something with us. You guys are fucking wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys, what's the, give me like the craziest thing you guys have done recently. Every time, I'm actually surprised how much on Instagram, you guys are always naked. I know.

You're always doing something crazy, but those, but they don't, the videos are like they do well. They don't seem to get suppressed or taken down or anything. We have figured out ways to not get demonetized on YouTube because we had some videos and we were so bummed they got demonetized.

They were like 18 plus to watch. That's worse. We get the login. No, but it's done. It's done when somebody's like, ooh, 18 enter. I don't know. For YouTube, you feel dirty.

A lot of people also don't. The only reason I have a YouTube login now is because I work in the business, and I didn't even realize you could just use your Gmail. And so there was a time where if that came up, I just, nope, not watching. I got to go find one that doesn't have it. No, it seems like it's too much of a hassle to make a couple clicks where you're like, ah, I don't want to do it. Totally. So that kills you.

But, yeah, I mean mean you guys are always doing well where does that show go like how does how do you how do you turn out the lights on that one like is there going to be a day where you guys have some sort of challenge that you do you're just like that's it i mean reach the the pinnacle i think i can't go further well i i think naturally and sometimes the viewers or listeners sometimes get upset with us but like this is the only way for the show to work we have to reset sometimes with super innocent challenges because there's nowhere to go like going up like i mean like we've done so much stuff like my my co-host stevie weeby he infamously is always saying i'm not gay but i like doing gay shit and so it's like you know episode a thousand like uh the the challenge this week is anal what

is who's gonna win it's like no no we gotta reset we gotta recalibrate like to do random stuff to you know sometimes it's just as simple as like – You have to fuck somebody in the ass. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know about that. I don't know. I don't know. Like we'll do innocent ones sometimes like the tortilla slap challenge and that kind of stuff. And like the try not to laugh challenge where you're just – Water your mouth. Yeah, just dumb stuff like that where like –

And those end up being some of my favorite ones that are like – They're just silly and make you laugh. They don't have to be – There's a reason why those things go viral. Right. It's simple and easy and people like it. All right, good stuff. Let's go get weird.

Let's do it. We were just talking to Tara about your time at Comedy Central. Are we on? Yeah, we're just letting it rip. Is that cool? Can you hear me okay? Yeah. Okay, cool.

Yeah, you're good. You're going to talk about the failure? Is that what? Well, we're kind of trying to do something similar i think at least um within like it's kind of a transitional period here at barstool we were talking about trying to build up with stand-up comics and internet influencers and comedians all that shit um but and to me i'm like it seems like it should work and it should be easy and there's so much talent out there and we'll I think it's hard when it's like with Comedy Central

their whole audience is South Park and more daily show so it's like they also put a group of five of us and there was like I was like the white girl and like there was like a black guy and there's an Asian guy I was like very like And we all became really good friends, but we started a talk show. We were all like, there's one of each of us. And that was kind of the joke. The college brochure. Yeah, that's what it felt like. And then we eventually became very good friends and it worked.

But I think as a talk show, one, with five people is a lot. And two, it was just like we were getting to know each other and the rhythm wasn't there yet. Impossible. Yeah, it was just like we were getting to know each other and the rhythm wasn't there yet. So it's impossible. Yeah, it felt impossible. That's like when you start a podcast, you need like a couple of years before you're even like really hitting your stride. Yeah. And like now we look at the numbers and everyone's like, oh, those numbers are like actually pretty good. But like at the time, it was like, you know, when you're on it, like you should hit these numbers by this time.

Up against Jon Stewart and Bob Hinn and Matt and Trey. Exactly. What year was, like, what time period was that? I mean, and I still work there, so. And I do love the company, but that was 2017, I think. So I've been there five years. 2017 is kind of like right at the time where you were probably, like, your TV numbers were, like, you're still trying to hit the older TV numbers. Yeah, that's that transitional time that's, like, your TV numbers were, like,

you're still trying to hit the older version of the TV numbers. Yeah, that's that transitional time that's, like, very tough. Yeah, I can't imagine trying to figure that out. How many followers do you have? How many views are you getting on the internet? No, but what's your Nielsen ratings? Like, all that sort of shit, you know? Yeah, they were just figuring out the internet aspect of it, exactly,

and they were comparing it to, like, cable days. Right, like, in 2012, we were hitting this. How are we, like, plummeting? And you didn't really know where else to cable days. In 2012, we were hitting this. How are we plummeting? You didn't really know where else to pivot to. I can see that. That was kind of when Veep 2 was – I've been re-watching Veep, and towards the end, Dan Egan is working at a news station, and he's doing Good Morning America.

One of the best characters ever. He's such a dick. Unbelievable. Awful dude. I love him. But the, and he gets like fired and they're like,

and he's going over, but don't worry, he'll have a home on digital. And they're being like really mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you know, now that's like a good thing.

But I definitely, there was that period of time where if you were, yeah, this was supposed to be on the air, but now it's living on digital it was like yeah

and I wouldn't say like they just don't have they don't do the same like show that it used that we were the original five creators but like one of the guys

I started with is a writer on Dave and was also in a huge like Netflix show I forget what it was called but he's filming a movie in Puerto Rico right now and my other friend

writes for Jimmy Fallon. So I'm like, everybody did all right. You guys give me like the Washington Redskins. So for me, you guys give me like the Redskins coaching staff where it's like, we had Matt LaFleur and Sean McVay. And I forget what the third coach was.

Yeah. I mean, that's kind of how these things work. I think it's like, you know, you, you, you look back on,

I, I've, I've gotten very corny as I've gotten older with the whole, like, there's no such thing as failure where it's like you really were like getting better

at whatever or preparing for something that you didn't even know was coming down the road but now you know I feel that way because I started

when I first moved to New York I moved here because my manager was like move to New York and I like where'd you come from? LA I started in LA

because I went to USC so I just started in college and was doing it there and my manager was like come to New York and at this point I was like rejected by all like

management and agents and like every guy that lived there so I was like alright I'll move to New York and then I was walking dogs for WAG

that was like my first job but then I got a job at Comedy Knockout a few months in but like recently I'm going to Tokyo for my birthday

we're trying to like get a lot of money to like do crazy shit yeah so I like redownloaded wag and I'm still an active like dog walker but like you make bank off that shit right I mean no what are you doing here aren't you rich you walked off I mean you can make like 25 dollars an hour yeah but I feel like I watch these people who are walking like 30 dogs at once. Yeah, but that's because they have a private practice. Oh, it's a private practice. It's like being a dentist. I own my own firm.

Those guys have moved in their houses. Yeah, but they also started, you know, years ago. It's kind of like a podcast. The original dog walkers. What's the most dogs you ever walked? I did like one and it had like diarrhea. And I called my dad crying. You're walking a dog with diarrhea?

It is. A golden retriever. Because you're like, I get, I get, I have a dog and like I get, or my family has a dog. And there's sometimes I was walking out of the house and I'm like, fuck, I forgot a bag. You better not fucking shit and and there are times too where like

and usually I'll just let her poop and I'll move on but there was one time she was staying with me I lived in Boston at the time and my parents went on vacation so they were like

can you watch her I took her and I obviously wasn't feeding her her standard diet and stuff like that she was getting like pizza

and she was living like a. She was getting like pizza and chili. And she was living like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. You're poisoning your dog. Yeah. It turns out I was. And like I would walk her on like busy streets in Boston and she would have like the worst diarrhea. And I would have to just stand there like pretending I'm going to pick it up and then just sprint. Be like, what am I supposed to do

with this? It's like Kevin trying to pick up the chili. Getting paper and trying to pick it up. When you think about the idea of we as humans are just standing there on a leash while the dog just shits.

They have the respect to not look at you. Imagine your dog was staring you dead in the eye. Look away, look away, look away. I'm fixing up a nice meal right now. Why don't you pick that up? My dog, like, goes to high grass, so she'll, like, hide because she's...

Oh, she's a lady. She's a lady. I'm going to shit outside. That's the dog version of running the faucet. One of the craziest moves in the world. I like to just ask, would you just wash

your hands for 10 minutes? That is so funny. Who's doing that? Like a girl you're going to hook up with? Girls I know. I know so many girls. But they take a shit

in your place? No, no, no, no. But even just peeing. They put the faucet on. Oh, shits too. Yeah, I mean, I'd imagine if you put it on for pee,

you'd definitely put it on for shit. But I think that's one of the silliest things in the goddamn world. Yeah, shit's too. Yeah, I mean, I'd imagine if you put it on for pee, you'd definitely put it on for shit. But I think that's one of the silliest things in the goddamn world. Yeah, that's just – well, because if you're peeing and putting it on the faucet, I'm going to be like, you're definitely taking shit. Yeah, like you're definitely – I just feel like – Also, that little faucet isn't as loud as you think it is. Yeah, I can still hear that. I do feel bad, though, because we can kind of control it, you know what I mean?

We can go off the backboard or like the front you know the side rim oh you're saying when you pee yeah you're not trying to make noise you guys got no control over that situation yeah I don't

I've done way worse things in front of a guy than like the sound of pee if that's where the deal breaker is for him we're gonna have a long road so I don't care that's what I'm saying like the him, we're going to have a long road. So I don't care. That's what I'm saying.

I mean, I don't know if it's an age thing, an experience thing, or just a personality thing. But, yeah, if we're worried about the sound of humans peeing, we are in trouble, dude. I like when a girl goes to the bathroom and Fawcett runs for the better part of an hour. Who are you dating? Who are these girls? And then they come back. I'm thinking like staying in hotels and stuff like that. And they come back.

It's like in the morning. And they come back and they're like cuddling. And you're like, all right, I got to go to the bathroom. And they're like, no, stay and cuddle. And I'm like, no, I got to pee. And it's like, no, let's just like hang out for a little bit. Sounds like a very specific time. We were on vacation and my girl blew that bathroom up.

It's happened on numerous occasions. That is very funny. I actually did. I was using the bathroom recently. And it was, for some reason, a particularly high toilet. Were you dangling? I wasn't dangling, but I was sitting how I imagine

a lot of women sit. Oh, do tell. I was like, this is very infantilizing. I feel dainty. I have to be on my tippy toes to touch the floor. Where were you?

I think it was a hotel, to be honest. I think it was a hotel. It was a giant hotel. And I was like, this is uncomfortable. I'm a man. I'm shitting like a man right now.

What the hell is going on? I've never taken a shit and been like, oh, I feel dainty with my feet. Like, I don't know. Yeah, no. Maybe I'm just thinking about, like, because of that, I picture, like. I mean, this toilet must be enormous if you felt like you were. Bro, I have a hundred. No, I know where it is.

It's my fucking parents' house. It's like, god damn. You've used this toilet. It didn't happen to you? The toilet in the basement. I definitely don't remember that. Dude, I was like, what the fuck is going on here? Dude, I don't think I've used this toilet. It didn't happen to you? The toilet in the basement. I definitely don't remember that. Dude, I was like, what the fuck is going on in here? Dude, I don't think I've told you this.

The toilet I have currently, I live in like the hood right now. I'm getting a house soon. And the last like six months have been in a terrible apartment. It is, it's a toilet for ants. It is so small. And the sink, I'm not kidding, is like probably like here. So I sit like sideways. So like, you know,

your ass fits like in the hole the way it's designed. So if you turn sideways, it's super uncomfortable. I'm like, who, how? It's like a hobbit house. And that's not even in the city. Yeah, it's like,

it's very demoralizing. I just renovated my apartment and I got a toilet that's really small in the city. Yeah, it's in the Bronx. Yeah, it's like, it's very demoralizing. I just renovated my apartment, and I got a toilet that's really small, and I was sitting on it, and I was like, holy shit, like I need to date a very small man. Like there's no way I can date a full-size man. And I bought this place, so I'm not going anywhere. You just didn't think about it? You were just like, yeah.

You better be under 5'9". You would be like the queen of Hinge. Give me all your short bodies. Let's go. You know what? I date guys who are like my height and I'm 5'6". And then they reject me and I'm just like, this stinks harder. That's bullshit.

Honestly, as they walk out the door, I'd be like, you fucked up, dude. Good luck finding someone as good as me. You can actually mean it. It's going to be tough out there for you, little one. I don't know. I feel like short guys are... Their toilets aren't even going to fit you, okay? No, I feel like now short guys are having a time.

Yeah, it's a little bit of a moment. Yeah, I feel like the short kings joke kind of also became a little bit of a reality. But I also still think there's just the straight-up snobs who are like, don't even match with me if you're under six feet. I mean, we've come across girls who have been like six three and above.

I'm like, what are we? The moment it got taller than me, I was like, hang on a second. Discrimination! What's up with you uppity? But do you think the girl's really tall? Volleyball players players these were like you know borderline

models and shit so you know I guess I guess those are girls who can maybe make those standards but I was like I was out

six three I was out with a buddy last weekend this was actually a friend of a friend and he's six seven and normal person

and yeah yeah yeah the worst but it's also like what happened in his life that he's like working an office job that's The worst But it's also like What happened in his life That he's like Working an office job That's what I mean

It's the worst Because like As a guy Right away You're viewed as a Failed basketball player Like, well, do you play basketball? I was like, no

And then It's every other sport too Like, oh, you couldn't Play football You couldn't do something So then it's like Not only were you not good You must be a total spaz

Because even bad guy you know bad uh players will still get a look if you're six seven so it's like you extra suck and you also don't fit in airplanes and beds and cars and all the other shit well that's what men think when they look right this is all ridiculous it was it was absolutely i'm gonna fuck this guy it was like i was like out with emily ratajkowski we were just at a bar in boston and it was just women coming up to him non-stop being like it's crazy like one woman was like i'm going to my car because he was like i'm six seven because you know she's like like doe-eyed it's like how tall are you he's like i'm six seven

like you can tell he gets it all the time she's like no you're not he's like, don't you think a six seven about me? I haven't, I work in construction or architecture, whatever she did. She's like, I have a,

uh, measuring tape. Like what, but it wasn't, she used whatever word someone in her field would know for like, it was like electronic.

Like if she was like, go like that and see how big it is. She's like, I'm going to the car. First of all, this woman was hammered. I was like, you if she was like go like that and see how big it is she's like i'm going to the car first of all this woman was hammered i was like you have a car here but boston yeah right she's like i'm going to get i'm going to get it and come back he's like he's like i it actually like he like he's like like i feel like it's how like most women have to interact with you as far as like i've humored you long enough like i'm not doing yeah goodbye

you're not going to get an electronic measuring tape and coming back here that's not happening I have a friend who's 6'5 he's a good looking dude too he's got a John Mayer look to him for real smart guy can he poop standing up? but he

the doe eyed effect he calls it the fishbowl, where they just go, you're tall. My boyfriend in college was 6'5". That's big. Yeah, but it was honestly kind of annoying because he could never hear when I spoke. So he'd be like, what? He's also from Southern California. And he's really great, but he'd be like, what?

And I'd be like, shut the fuck up. So you're 5'6". You said, right, 5 So you're 5'6". You said, right, 5'6"? 5'6". Dating 6'5", I feel like you're not like, you're kind of right in between there. I know when girls who are like 5'9", 5'10", get mad when short girls date tall guys. It's almost like leave those for us because I want to be able to wear heels. Yeah, now his girlfriend, I've seen photos and she is

like 6 feet and I'm like that's a good match cause I feel like they can have a conversation they can hear each other they can talk in public they can go to their kids sports games and just I can't imagine being 6'5 6'7 like I can't hear now

I'm leaning down just you know to people who are like a couple inches short of me not a foot I can't imagine being 6'5", 6'7". Like, I can't hear now. Yeah, yeah. I'm leaning down just, you know, to people who are, like, a couple inches short of me, not a foot. Exactly. It's fucking crazy. Also, tall guys die sooner. No one talks about it, but it's like... Well, like, if they're, like, 8 feet tall. But are, like, 6'5 guys dying early?

Yeah, it's like golden retrievers living to 10 or 12. You know what I mean? Like, tall guys. You're beautiful, and you're a great breed, but we're not going to have you for a long time. Yeah, and you know you have to cremate that. You can't just get it. That coffin's going to be so expensive.

Every time I see a tall guy, I'm like, I just don't have the money to support our children after you die. It's so young. We need you to about you life insurance policy because I don't have the money you are my dream guy

but the funeral is gonna wipe me out wipe me out who's carrying that horse to the fucking top not me so yeah

tall guys I don't know I've been but now I've been dating you said you dated like a guy your height because 5'6 is pretty it's pretty short

it's pretty tiny I feel like 7 is kind of the cut off like 5'7 no one's calling you tall but I also think you can like kind of get by yeah

when you hear 5'6 it's like that's a girl's height for sure yeah it's tough it's tough a guy who I dated

he was actually talking to me about the other day because I liked this other guy who was my height, he was actually talking to me about it the other day because I liked this other guy who was my height, and he was like, Hannah, what are you doing? And I was like, to be fair, the first guy wore Lips in his shoes when we first started dating. That's cheating. That's cheating.

They're getting good. How do you even wear Lips in your shoes? I'd be very uncomfortable. I get hit with Instagram ads a lot for these things. How tall are you? I'm six foot. I'm like – We've been Googling, bro.

I don't know. There's a pair of – it's not even lifts. It's like a full-ass pair of shoes that actually don't look terrible. They're like white sneakers that look like – it's not like Nike or Adidas or whatever, but it looks like it just could be like a regular pair of sneakers. And it gives you like two and a third inches or something. It's like a lot. And this guy is doing like man on the street.

And he's like, why don't you try these on? And the guy just goes up like significantly. And then there's ones that are like gel. Like they're not hard. So I don't know. I guess it's comfortable. But you're putting them in – I don't know.

I've never worn them, man. I've just seen the fucking videos on the internet, okay? I'm six feet tall, I swear. But you're putting them in regular shoes? Yeah, I guess so. I don't get why you can put that on, man. I've just seen the fucking videos on the internet, okay? I'm six feet tall, I swear. But you're putting them in regular shoes? Yeah, I guess so. I don't know. I don't get why you can put that on comfortably. Yeah, if you're putting those in your...

It's like women wearing heels. It's not about comfort. It's about getting fucked, you know? Beauty hurts. Beauty is pain. God. I remember I was getting in elementary school when, like, frosted tips and shit were, like, all hot.

Oh, yeah. And I had that like, they put like the shopping bag on your head and they go in, it's not a shopping bag, it was like some kind of plastic thing they put over your hair

and they go in with like a hook and they like hook out hair and then they paint that and then that's what they, that's how you get like the highlights. Is that how it works?

Not how, I get my highlights. Not how you do it. Or I'm not blonde anymore but I was for a while. It was like some kind of hook. It's like tinfoil or whatever, right? No.

Were you getting it done at like a kiosk in the mall? No. Were you in seventh grade? I was super young. Yeah, so your parents were in pain to get you there. Their parents were like, go get a garbage bag. We'll do this ourselves. But I was sitting there crying openly.

And my mom just goes, beauty is pain. But I was sitting there crying openly. And my mom just goes, beauty is pain. I was like, what the fuck, dude? It's true, man. She set you on a path early, man. I feel like if you could go back in time and stop the first girl to make high heels a thing or to make makeup a requirement, what do you think you would do? It's either or.

I wouldn't stop either of them. You like both? I mean, yeah. I don't like to wear heels every day, but I like the option. I also think I look a lot better with makeup. I think men should have to wear makeup. I think we're getting to the point. Slowly but surely.

But here's the issue with men's makeup is they're not marketing it right. It's always like makeup for dudes. I don't want to look like a dude. I want to look like a pretty girl. There's a men's makeup brand called Warpaint. The guy who needs to put on his Warpaint

isn't going to be the first to over the wall of that. He'll be the very last. I don't even like to wear a ton of makeup, but like I have acne. So that helps with that. You know, I'm not as like worried about my face. Yeah. Yeah. It's like Photoshop in real life. And guys forever have just been walking around like, well, I am ugly and there's nothing

we can do about that. It's like, well, there is. I think we started. We haven't gone into like the I don't think makeup's gone into the mainstream but I think skin care has it's a novel concept for men where it's like

don't just wash it with like you know like women have always been like chasing men like that's a whole thing so it's like

we our eyes have just accepted that that is what you look like and now we're making our own money so like we're like slowly

realizing that you guys aren't shit honestly really what it is it's just slowly we're like slowly realizing that you guys aren't shit honestly really what it is it's just slowly we're just slowly losing losing ground you know like eventually you just realize oh they're ugly and they're fat and they don't need them it's so funny my friends like they'll be like worshiping this guy and then i'll be over and they're like and you know what he doesn't have a fucking job and he's ugly and he like lives with five people. I'm like, he's always done. That was all true before.

Dude, there is no worse feeling than getting out of a relationship where you realize you were the idiot and you're like, Oh, all your friends are like, I feel like so stupid when that happens. I don't, you don't care.

I'm always like, I don't, you guys knew a long time ago, huh? I don't ever like anything. I'm just addicted to everything dude. I'm always like, oh, man. You guys knew a long time ago, huh? I don't ever like anything. I'm just addicted to everything. So I'm just like. On to the next one. I'm like, damn.

Someone could be like, they didn't have a job, and they were this, and they were that. And I'm like, I know. I miss them. It was great. Yeah, mine is more like I don't really get into relationships, but they'll be like constantly sending me red flags and then it's like when they

I just got bailed on for the third time I keep talking about this but then everyone's like how did you not see it coming the third time I was like I think I did

like stood up on a date you mean yeah three times in a row by the same person I don't I've said this before like I went

the third time alright so like first time it's just like okay whatever he had to change the plans he bailed two hours before because he was like in a relationship that he was coming out of okay Like I went the third time. All right. So like first time, it's just like, okay, whatever. He had to change the plans. He bailed two hours before because he was like in a relationship that he was coming out of.

Okay. Okay. Red flag number one. Second time. It was like they didn't break up. Got it. They didn't break up. They didn't break up. Third time, it was actually he lives in New York.

It was in Miami. He was like like fly down early we'll go to brunch he's from Miami? no no he lives here okay wouldn't see me here but I thought he would

meet me for brunch which is hilarious and then I was like alright I gotta change my flight and have a layover he's like alright sounds good

no bailed it off what a motherfucker and that was the only reason you were going down? no no I was going down for a trip and he was like oh change your plans come with us on this, that day.

None of that happened, by the way. That's still fucked. Yeah, but it was the third time, and all my friends who knew the situation and knew him were like, Hannah. He's gonna do it again. He's gonna do it again. And I called him. I'm like, he did it again. He did it again.

No fucking kidding. They were like, you're a fucking dumbass. I'm like, I know. As long as you know, though. I said it before, the red flags. I don't see red flags as red flags. I see them as yellow lights, where I'm like, if we just hurry up and get through this,

it's going to be smooth sailing. That's how I was like, no way this guy is this big of a douchebag. That was my hat. I was like, no, there's no way. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Yeah. It's almost a good thing that he's bailed on me twice, because there's no way he's the benefit of the doubt yeah it's almost it's almost a good thing that he's bailed on me twice

because there's no way he's bailed on me three times yeah no one gets hit by lightning three times unless you're fucking standing with a metal pole that's just me

in the rain I do I do have to say that is indefensible that guy's a fucking asshole but I still think guys are still figuring out

like that your feelings just radically will shift based on having sex or something that happened or running into an ex or whatever. I think that's what killed me. I hadn't slept with him yet. Yeah. I mean – It's like –

Yeah. That's like in the moment he wants to and then I don't know. He sleeps with someone else and he gets like – scratches that itch and he's like, never mind or whatever it is. But it's like – again, that guy sounds like an asshole. But I do think there's a lot of times where guys are making plans or saying I love you or whatever the fuck it is. Because in that moment, they really are. They're like, I'm into this. I want this.

And then I don't know, whatever the fuck happens in our dumb testosterone male brains. It's like, nope, never mind. And you seem like an asshole, but it's like, I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't know how to behave. I'm a fucking gay man. That's why I don't really date because you guys are like puppies. it's like, I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't know how to behave. I'm a fucking gay man. That's why I don't really date, because you guys are like puppies. Yeah, yeah.

Going to a date, I just imagine it's like any little thing can change your mind. 100%. I wish it wasn't that way. Mine isn't. I don't. Yeah, I guess. I do. I very much believe.

You just said you don't like anyone. You're just addicted to them. I'll tell you what. It cuts a lot deeper coming from another person i say to myself i say to myself i'm like that's a silly little trait you have and someone else says it's like jesus christ i mean i i have very much uh there have been times where i very much believe in like don't sleep with someone right away because my feelings have radically changed on someone after sleeping with them and i didn't want it to and i didn't think it was gonna happen and it did and i was just like fuck

yeah damn it i wish that didn't happen because i've been acting a certain way and saying certain things and i almost think that's an argument for sleeping together fast get it and figure it out cause then you rip the bandaid off totally I used to try to do a bit about that

what's that get the sex out of the way cause then you really get down to if you like them that is a good cause if it takes a little while

I'm not a person who rips band aids off I like just leave them on I let them come off in the shower sink into me skin grows over

there's a thing to be surgically removed after a while like a hoarder it becomes like it's like detroit like my the band it becomes one with my skin and like yeah that's gonna be a real pain in the ass to get off now it would have been easier just to take it but yeah the i've had the the problem is if there's enough time before you sleep together where you've hung out and had conversations and started to get to know each other and then it's like oh yeah this is gonna work and then for whatever reason bad sex or

even good sex but you just change your mind whatever it's like fuck so we either should have done it right away or i shouldn't have said those things you know yeah i was like oh i'm gonna wait now like i'm just like not sleeping with guys because i'm like oh i should wait to like get to know them and so as a result i haven't had sex in seven months yeah like that's you're gonna be waiting a long time i know i'm like basically i was like should i go back to church like i was like what am i doing because i i i know that's true like i used to be like oh it doesn't matter when you sleep with them and it absolutely does It's like you can't change genetic. That's the thing is like I know I can't defend it

because it is going to hurt your feelings or come across as inconsiderate or insensitive or whatever. But it's also just like, I don't know what to tell you. It just happens. Is that how you do it? I don't know what to tell you. My bad. But I guess then I think as you get older, at least I was like, you start to recognize that.

So it's like, don't act that way in the beginning or whatever because you know things might change. So you used to love bomb girls? I guess so, yeah. What was that? I'm sorry, I missed it. Love bomb? What's that? I think, like, in the beginning, I'm,'m like very cutesy and lovey and like into it.

Yeah, it's like just be, don't be too over the top because. I was picturing something. What were you thinking? I thought you were saying love bum. And then my mind, I was thinking you love bum girls. And instead of picturing girls with nice bums, I was picturing women in BUM equipment. You know what I mean? Like instead of the juicy couture sweatsuits, they were in –

I know exactly what you're talking about. You thought he was like a cheater and gave them like sweats after they left? You know what I mean? Yeah, BUM with the little dashes in between. And I thought that was a specific type of girl that I hadn't heard of. A love bum girl. I mean, I hope there are some love bums out there. I hope there are girls out there wearing bum equipment.

It would have been so easy to picture girls with nice butts. It would have been really pleasant. Instead, I just picture chicks in bum equipment, sweatsuits, smoking cigarettes, and saying the N-word. What kind of girls are you hooking up with? That's what someone who wears bum equipment, I I promise you they're saying the N-word. So what's cooking now? I feel like you've kind of been growing over the last year or so. I feel like I saw you popping up on various podcasts

and just doing more on the internet. I feel like you're kind of on the rise. Oh, that's nice yeah you say uh i feel like based on my bank account it's things are going down uh well someone's did a renovation on their apartment yeah and i sunk all my money into this apartment and then um where is this it's on it's in soho okay so it was a bajillion dollars for it was it wasn't that expensive to buy, surprisingly, and I bought it when the interest rates were still good.

But then renovations. Listen, if you're buying in Soho, you're doing all right, girl. Yeah, I want a lawsuit, though. Hey. Oh. You're in my cab? No. You know USC.

Did you guys hear about that lawsuit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. With Aunt Becky. That's a different one. That's a different one. That's where my mind went right away, but I was like, there's no way. I thought maybe you didn't get accepted or some shit. Wait, what's the other one?

That's fucking funny because that is what popped into my mind, but I was like, there's no way that's what she's talking about. I'm Becky in a bum equipment suit. No, so the gynecologist, he molested women, he molested women for years and he forced me to have a pap smear and like did like a lot of crazy shit. Literally my first, I told people and everyone was like, you're so dramatic. And I was like it took over an hour, the appointment, which like does not take an hour. Like it was like and he was like saying things, asking like if I had a boyfriend, like while he was. It was like so crazy. And my first comedy blog ever was like a Zanga type of thing or a WordPress. First blog was called I Lost My Virginity to the USC Gynecologist. And so I ended up like using that to submit to like my case because it was like so

creepy and i just like made a joke out of it because i was like this is so insane and then all these women came forward this is like a doctor on campus is that something like that yeah the resident gynecologist and like what he did was girls who never had a pap smear which was me or he liked um asian women so like girls who were coming over from China and stuff, he would like do a lot of really bad things and like, but they didn't know because they didn't know US medicine. And then he had a closet full of vaginas. They were like, did he ever take your picture?

I was like, he fucking didn't. He didn't take my photo. He was in there for a fucking hour and he decided not to take the photo. Like how, I imagine you didn't take my photo. He was in there for a fucking hour, and he decided not to take the photo. Like, how? I imagine you didn't see this closet. Like, were they, like, wallpapered, or was it, like, in a binder? I think it was, like, any other psychopath that has a bunch of photos just, like, tacked on.

What the fuck? Yeah. This is not the lawsuit I was thinking it was. Yeah, no. The Aunt Becky crew thing is a lot lighter. Yeah. That's, um. Anyway, yeah, not to bring it down too much, but, but yeah i was able to buy an apartment in soho with that but it was like

people are like how can you put a price on that like all this stuff like going to a doctor who does that and then finding out that i was like i was like gaslit for years because i had told people like i didn't see a gynecologist after that for five years because I was like never go again either yeah so scarred and then it so it's like and even now like I have anxiety going to the doc it's just like shit that lives in you forever imagine so I mean yeah like the people hate the regular doctor experience yeah let alone the fucking assault version. I was molested by one, yeah. Yeah. As far as you haven't been, but yeah. Yeah. That's on the docket. John's been improperly dealt with by teachers and babysitters.

You have not checked off the doctor yet. And unfortunately, they don't have enough money to settle with you. Oh, yeah. I get nothing. Yeah. If you're going to get fucking forced to watch porn and have your body touched, at least do it with someone who's got their own practice next time. Dude, the porn one I didn't even care about

was the fucking school teacher with the ears. That was weird. What? School teacher with the ears. He was just gentle massaging of his ears. He played with my ears all the time. He's my fucking computer teacher, computer science teacher in middle school.

John, you're being dramatic. It's called a free massage. I don't know what the problem is. It is funnier. I feel like if you're being dramatic It's called a free massage I don't know what the problem is It is funnier I feel like if you're gonna get Have something that happen to you It's better as a kid Cause you don't even know it's bad

Like I don't even know I told these stories I can't I don't know if I agree If you're gonna get molested Do it when you're a child But like I wasn't molested It was just like

It touched me weird And it was like that is true like when i was telling the stories i was like yo this fucking funny story and and then everyone got silent and then like asa kira was crying i was like no no no you're handling it wrong it's funny it's a joke guys no you were like you were molested as a kid no oh maybe describe assault i mean if it was a girl it would no questions asked everyone be like that girl was was molested by her teacher and with john it's like that was who was it it was fucking uh uh not rude boy it

was fucking uh what can i give his name? Someone here? No Rude Jude And he came on And you were like Tell him a story And I told him a story And the way Do you know Rude Jude?

He's a radio Got the voice you're talking about Yeah He was probably like Listen man I've seen some fucked up things But you got molested He's pretty close

I told him a story He just came up to me And he goes You got molested And the way he said it It was so goddamn funny And if that guy's up to me he just goes you got molested and the way he said it was so god damn funny and if that guy's saying it's molested

it's fucking molested you got molested I mean like ears are a weird touching point yeah and it's like you touch my ears that's for sure

sexual touch yeah if I was a little kid getting my ears rubbed I'd be like what's happening oh my god like knowing now

is there like something about your neck too yeah that whole area for me. I'm like, they're trying to get across the Oregon Trail. Did you move faster, though? Grueling pace. I'm about to die of dysentery and molestation. I mean, I guess getting a, you know, fat check is at least better than nothing.

Oh, yeah, so that's how I'm doing well. Yeah, I'm doing great. Oh, man. I mean, seriously, though, it is good that, like, I'm assuming it was like a class action type thing, like multiple people. Yeah, well, it's funny. I had a joke about it on stage, and my friend who was in my sorority, I hadn't seen her in five years, and she came up to me at the show,

and she was like, are you with Gloria Allred? And I was like, no. And she was like, why don't you get in this lawsuit? So I call, and Gloria Allred, she represents all of Cosby's victims. She's very famous. She's in Tigers, too, I think, right? Yeah. I mean, she's done all.

And I didn't know who she was, so I called, and I was like, hey, can I speak to Gloria Allred, please? They were like, no. Is G in the house? Let me talk to her. My friend said she met, my friend met with Gloria,

like, went in, so I was, she was like, I met with her, blah, blah, blah, so when I called, I was like,

no, my friend talked to her. They were like, like, no. Also, is Michelle Obama available to have a chat? Who knows?

And then, so I was the last person to get in on the case. And it's because my friend randomly came to the show that night and saw this joke I did about it. Yeah. That's great for you. And, but probably so shitty for someone else who didn't like, imagine I didn't get in. Yeah.

Well, cause I called her. Wait, wait, wait, me too. Me too. Well, originally I called the school to like, cause I, it came out as an LA times article and I called the school to like, be like, yes, this fucking happened to me. I fucking knew it. When you first spoke up, did other people, like everyone was just kind of dismissing you, but were there other girls like, wait a minute, me too.

Or you didn't find out till the law, to the article. Till the article. Yeah. And my friends, I texted my friends the screenshot who I had my roommates at the time and they just replied, sorry. Yeah. Fuck you. It's the ultimate. I told you so.

But I called the school, and they were like, yeah. Are they still like your good friends? Yeah, they are. That is hilarious. I would hold that over them for any other argument. Oh, yeah?

Yeah? Remember? Remember the assault? I just had the situation. What do you want me to do? But with this lawsuit, I was like, I'm putting your fucking numbers.

They were like, please, we'll testify to you. Yeah, write this wrong and fucking speak up at the trial. Even I called my mom after the appointment. She was like, well, Hannah, they're the doctor. They would know what's appropriate. So even my mom was like, whoops. I just lose faith in every institution in the world.

I always think about that. And doctors to the list. I always thought, I never got that, I just figured if you were a doctor, you're a doctor. As a kid, as a young person, you're always taught

to look up to certain fields, like police, doctors, things aren't going great. That's what I mean, they're all fucking assholes. Yeah, and then you're like, I was thinking about it recently on a plane,

and it was because of captains. You're great at your job. Everyone's great. And then you realize, oh yeah, some people are just mediocre at your job. Everyone's great. And then you realize, like, oh, yeah, some people are just mediocre at their job. And then there are shitty or crazy people. Or, like, they're also smart and a psychopath. Well, it is, like, now, look,

I don't go to male gynecologists. I was just about to say, that feels like a red flag to me. Right? But it's the school's, like, guy. So it's, like, it was my first time ever going. I didn't have sex until college, so I never went to a gynecologist. Oh, so you really didn't know that this is all fluff. Yeah, and I got a UTI, and I was like, I don't want to have a pap smear.

I remember telling him, I'm in a lot of pain. I Googled it. You can just pee into a cup. He's like, the Google, huh? Stuff like that. And basically patronizing me to make me feel so stupid so he could do all this weird shit to me. Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

I don't think this is really relevant. What is a pap smear? I've heard it before, but I don't know what it is. It's like an exam. So they do the whole shebang. Yeah, but he was in there for a while. And at one point he goes, we got a giggler on our hands. It is a terrible, I mean.

It sounds like you're just getting wiped with something. But I don't know, pap smear sounds like a not enjoyable. Yeah. It's not. But if it's more invasive, like I thought a pap smear was just like you get wiped with something. Like you're smeared. Yeah. Yeah, I may just smear it on. That's living in New York. Actually, that's what it should be.

It's like they just swipe for like whatever they're looking for. Yeah. This guy was really smearing it. Emphasis on the schmear with this guy. Oh, my God. Yeah, I mean, I feel like just everybody you find out, there's just... I don't know if there's other male gynecologists

who are fine, but to me... It's like male kindergarten. It is. It really is. Somebody the other day said it about someone on the show was like, it's babysitters. If you're a girl, it's great. If you're a male babysitter, there's a problem. And that's why priests and Boy Scouts and all that

shit are always like, they were hiding in plain sight for so long. But a male gynecologist, I think, should borderline be illegal. I don't care what... You could be just the brightest doctor in the world and you want to fight against cervical cancer or something cancer or something nope sorry can't do it and there's not allowed to i'm sure there are some who are just great people and great doctors uh too bad that's not how that's what i'm saying it's just like sorry well my friend who's in residency right

now it's like there is a level of uh competition with certain fields because it's like dermatologists it's the most competitive because of the hours so like gynecology would be the similar thing because if you wait so people want to be dermatologists because hours are good yeah it's like in regular office hours no one's calling so i think gynecology is similar i don't know how it works with like pregnancy i think there's like a different but so i i guess you could if you were a creep who wanted to be a gynecologist you could use as a defense like i want the hours here let me just paps you with my dick i'm a morning person goodness gracious yeah but i agree

i think it should be i don't know it's like my, I know a hairstylist who's a straight guy, and I guess he was hitting on some of the clients, and I was like, yeah. Yeah, that's one I never thought of. You probably shouldn't be able to do that. This is like their safe space. They come here and they talk shit, and they're just with the girls.

You're ruining the vibe. Brilliant, brilliant. Up until you're the creep. There's an episode of Modern Family where Claire goes out with Cam and whatever their names are, I forget. And they bring their friend. And all night she's letting him feel her up. Thinking he's gay?

She's changing in front of him in the dressing room. And he's caressing her. He's like, let Cam and his husband go home. And she's like, let's stay out. Let's go like, the cam and his husband go home. And she's, like, let's stay out. Let's go hit the club. And they're dancing and stuff like that. And then, like, he goes to kiss her. She's, like, what the fuck?

And he's, like, give me signals all night. All night we've been hitting on each other. That's what I would do with someone, like, at a hair salon. Like, yeah, you've been cutting my hair. I just figured you were gay. The bar is just so low for everybody and every professional I feel like now. Just don't be a horrible person. You see the video of Keanu Reeves carrying stuff?

That was crazy. Crazy. Wait, I didn't actually see that. He's on set, John Wick 4, I think, and he's just helping the crew carry these big black cases that have all this shit. And people were like, Keanu Reeves is the man. And he is. He's fucking awesome. But I don't think because he carried a couple.

I actually, I don't know why I had the response I do. Because I saw it towards the other end where people were now coming back and being like, why are you praising this guy for helping? Like, I don't know. That's not his job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean, I kind of see both sides of it. It's like it probably shouldn't be something that you get like –

actually, no. I think if he's the only one doing it and there's – Right. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think also he's known as like a very nice guy. The best. Like the absolute best. Yeah. So, yeah. Well, I think also he's known as a very nice guy. The best. The absolute best.

Yeah, so people – that's up to the internet. The internet goes crazy and then the other side goes crazy back at them. That's such internet. I don't think he was doing it as a PR stunt. Not at all. No, but I guess my point is more like let's talk about like he donates like all of his money to charity. That is why Keanu Reeves is awesome. Not because he carries the fucking bags. But I don't know.

That's also something like I've done in our – when we've done like a live show, I always feel very awkward when they're doing all the work and we're just like sitting there. So I'm always like, can I help? And usually we're just more in the way. But then I remember hearing – I remember that vividly one time when we did at – At your apartment. Yes. I remember it too.

Yeah. Yeah. We were helping like our salespeople and something that carries about they're like you guys are the only guys who help with this it felt good though they were like you're the only people at barstool that would ever like do this and i was like thank you for the recognition yeah totally i'm gonna keep doing it forever i also i also it did take like six hours to break down that set and i was like i never want to do this again that's what you guys get paid I never want to do this again. That's what you guys get paid for.

I'm never doing this again. But, but I, I did one, one guy, um, quote tweeted it and said he was a bouncer or maybe a bodyguard for Mike Myers. I saw that. Okay. That's just who I saw. Yeah. Cause he was responding to the response. Yeah.

It was, it was the back and forth. And this guy said, Mike Myers fired him for looking him in the eyes. His job was just to stand outside his trailer and make sure that only Mike Myers went in there. And when he did, he looked at him in the eyes and he got fired on the first day. And then three more people got fired on their first day as well. And there's a reason why Mike Myers isn't still working today. I guess so. And Keanu Reeves is.

But I would have thought he was cool. I know. That's really disappointing. He's Canadian. He's Canadian, yeah. He's Canadian and a comedian. That's really disappointing. He's Canadian. He's Canadian. Yeah. He's Canadian and a comedian. He's Shrek.

He's Austin Bowers. I think also that's the reason he's not working today more so than he's rude. I think he's Shrek and Austin Bowers. He's tight gas,

is that? No, no. I think he's just in the world. Oh, he's got all the money in the world. Because he's still working. He was in fucking,

what was it? The Tarantino and the Glorious Bastards. He does more drama roles now. Very small, but he. And he had that show where it was like a competition show where people came on and did comedy. And he was the judge. Oh, yeah?

I don't remember what it was called, but. The looking in the eye thing, I'm always like, what are you? How do you get to that point? I almost. I almost don't believe it. Ellen and Kanye. What do you mean you can't yeah but that's you've heard enough of those that it's like this can't be yeah it's made up it is the uh but there is also a different line too in veep uh selena meyers fires one of the secret service or just reassigns a secret service member because he like laughs at something someone's yeah yeah yeah and I actually kind of get that well the secret service

was like you can't be responding to fucking conversations we're having like you're not an audience member here I wonder if some of those like looking in the eyes are like you were like gawking at me and like snooping and and it just got played off as that and you never like the other side of it never came out i just i can't fathom being a human that's like you can't look at me for before i moved to new york i won't say to who but it was to not even an actor like it was a director and um he was such an awful person that like I do believe someone with Mike Myers level of fame would be that way. Would be that way. Really?

Like I worked out of his house and he wouldn't let me keep – it was like freezing in the winter. And he wouldn't let me keep the space heater on for more than an hour at a time because he said it was running his bill up. And he – mind you, he had a house in the hills with a pool in the backyard and he bought the house next door as a guest house for people. And he's telling me I can't run the heat for more than an hour at a time and i was like shivering he's like may i suggest bringing a parka i'm like we live in la like no i i it was just wild it's unfortunate not that not that famous like no one but not like you know megastar type shit well not that it would even he's you i mean i guess you're buying second house work i guess and then when i got my job at comedy central like we had to do like it was like snl like several auditions like several and i found out that the

vice president saw my application and goes she worked for blah blah like give her the job because and i only lasted six months and like i found out i was the second longest hire he's ever had in 13 years I feel like that's a badge of honor it felt like you shouldn't have to go through that but when you do and you're and you're like you get the appreciation the recognition I feel like you can if I can get through that I get through like anything yeah well I was Pauly Shore's assistant first so I was his assistant for a year and Pauly was the one who got me the job and he was like you know you work for me for a year so this guy's fucking crazy you can handle it and I was like honestly I miss Pauly was the one who got me the job. And he was like, you know, you worked for me for a year. So this guy's fucking crazy. You can handle it. And I was like, honestly, I miss Pauly.

Pauly was kind of crazy. But he took me on the road. He let me do hosting stuff. He introduced me as a comedian. He got me at the comedy store. He wasn't the most sane person to work for, which I think he would agree with me on that. But he at least saw and respected me and helped me me get where i wanted to go as opposed to like i don't know this other person who'd like yell at me all the time and like people would be like hey how are you like when i was on set with him and they'd be like don't he'd be like she's working

for me don't talk to her type of thing is that like uh i wonder like why those stories and i know it's because the society is more interested in salacious negative stories but like is that a chicken or the egg thing like because you hear about it so often like is that shitty people end up being better more dedicated at their jobs or you get to that level and you're like now now i'll be a shitty person i think it's more like people are always yesing you so it's like you don't really have the you're not really in reality anymore and if you're making a lot more money your expectations are higher and your level your way of living is a lot higher so it's like

I just think there's enough people who aren't assholes that get money and it's like you're just a dickhead oh no I think you're originally like a dick yeah you start as a dick and then you become like insufferable because yeah and you think where you're at is where everyone's at and it's just not so you're like like where everyone's at, and it's just not.

So you're like, I had to, one of my jobs for him, he was dating a younger woman. They were going on a date with a younger woman. He made me go to restaurants and see the lighting to make sure it was dark. That was one of my jobs. Because he wanted to be on the low because he was dating a younger woman, you mean? I don't, yeah, I guess. And I was just like, I mean, she was of age.

It wasn't anything illegal i hope but like no no she was of age but i was the statutory rapist scout and i'm like i should be careful what i say no she was of age but like she was i was 24 at the time i think she was my age and he was like in his 60s so but like i was like i don't i don't know how they met i don't know like maybe she if you looked at the guy, you wouldn't be like, oh, this guy's in his 40s. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. So I went to the restaurant and checked out the lighting.

And that was my job for the day is to go to restaurants and, like, check it out. Or he was like, okay, you can come in late today, but you have to go to restaurants after. And this was like, I was like. Did you know at the time, like, this is fucking batshit crazy? Or you were like, okay, this is how Hollywood goes. It was kind of like one of those things where I was so focused on stand-up anyway that I was like, I got to go to this restaurant, but it's near this open mic, so fuck it. Two birds, one stone.

Yeah. And it was like, I would house sit for him, but, like, then I would notice there were a lot of cameras in the house. It was just, like, very creepy in a way that I was like, I don't feel comfortable. Yeah. Dude, I do not get down with that and it's obviously different when you have a good ton of money i want to say that on the record too i was gonna say something different the uh like the new age of cameras in every room i don't understand it i think like it's meaning well like like like in people's houses yeah like

regular ass people like it's different if you're a, in people's houses? Yeah, like, regular-ass people. It's different if you're a multimillionaire, I guess. But, like, I hate going into Airbnbs now. I hate going... I have a friend's house who I went to recently in D.C. And, like, every room has cameras in it. I'm like, I just don't like the feeling of being watched at all times. It's like, I don't really have anything to hide, but I don't know.

Right. Say something or do something. Is it a dog camera? Is it a regular... No, the regular... And he, like, he was't really have anything to hide, but I don't know. Right, I want to say something or do something. Is it a dog camera or is it a regular? No, he was in the military and he works in the government now

and he has kids and so it's like a little bit, but also I've dated girls who their families have cameras everywhere and I'm like, why are they fucking,

even like ring lights. I did, I rented a house in New Jersey. You mean doorbell ring? Yeah, I rented a house in New Jersey

for the summer, like two summers ago. And we were out on the porch one night just – and we rented – like it wasn't Airbnb. We rented a house for the summer. And the owners the next morning texted like, hey, you guys shouldn't be on the porch that late. And I was like, what the fuck? What else are you watching? And then someone was like, yeah, they have a ring line. I was like, I don't even think to look for those things.

I just be – I think ring doorbells are for people who want to go viral. More than like security. You don't need that much security. The buddy I was talking to in D.C., we're out at the bar, and his phone's facing up, and he's constantly getting push notifications like, moving to the living room, moving in this room. Why do you need to know who's walking around the house right now? Yeah, that's someone

with a lot of PTSD that's crazy that's wild I mean my friend he runs a house in Atlanta in Airbnb and he was saying

whereabouts whereabouts I don't know in the city probably yeah in the city any chance I got a spot about 35-45 minutes south

of the airport John bought some property in Atlanta the most random thing in the world he just bought John bought some property in Atlanta. The most random thing in the world. He just bought a piece of property in New New Atlanta.

someone sent me an email. John is the most, let me explain something to you. Let me explain to you. The most impressionable person you will ever meet in your life.

You could get him to do anything. He could get one of those pap smears as a dude. Like doctors, people, everybody can just do

whatever they want. I have a doctor appointment at 3 o'clock. There's a finger in your ass by 3.30. I just figured out what that is could get one of those pap smears as a dude like doctors people everybody can just do whatever they want i have a doctor's appointment at three o'clock if they say there's a finger in your ass by three thirty i just figured out what that is and you're right it does sound like i need one so someone was like hey there's a good investment he was like yeah uh me random like new england guy who lives in new york let me just buy a piece of land in atlanta although it's worked out right it's worked out yeah oh jack we said that's, yeah. Oh, Jackie. That's not Jackie. We do have to send Jackie down there. I keep forgetting about that.

We owe Jackie a trip down there. The day after he bought it, like a tornado hit. Yeah. Oh, it's been bad for Newton, Georgia since I became a... Anytime there's an article or an email, like, buy property here. There's something going on. Oh, yeah. There's a reason why. Yeah.

There's a reason why it has press. Now I'm just doing it for content. I'm becoming a slumlord as a joke. It's working out well. It's just, everything's a bit. Well, are you going to Airbnb it? Is that your? No, it's actually not a, it's not a like individual apartment.

It's like I invested in an apartment complex. So like people just rent it. But it is like they rent it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, my friend, I was going to say to the ring light thing. My friend has an Airbnb in Atlanta and she, like, their house would get fucked up. So they have a ring light.

And she was like, someone was roller skating in. It's like no parties. So a girl was roller skating in with two cases. And then, like, all these people were behind her. And then they were like, we didn't have a party. And it's like, okay. I mean, everybody in an Airbnb is either like filming porn or having a party. I would rather the porn.

Or committing like actual assault. There's nobody who's just doing it for good. The literal rollerblade situation happened in my apartment. That's a nice touch. Rollerblade through the door. Dude, it was fucking, I was my, I wasn't even moving out on my own. It was me and a friend friend this is 10 years ago moving and they came in roller skates we were we were we were our apartment the owner was selling it

like for good like it was like we had to move out that we couldn't rent it anymore they were selling it to someone who's going to live in it and so towards the end of our lease it is literally saint patrick's day weekend so it's almost a decade ago even now and this nice couple it's a very nice apartment in south end of boston and like we should not have been living there it was actually so expensive and it was again 10 years ago i did not make money and it was so expensive that every time i would pay my rent i would like intentionally fuck up something on the check so they couldn't cash it wait till the next payday so i could like my first paid my bi-weekly paycheck my first

paycheck did not cover my rent and so i'd have to wait until I got more money to pay it and so this really nice place fireplace falcony all this stuff and this very nice couple well-to-do looking is like looking around being like this is nice it's St. Patrick's Day weekend in Boston I'm fucking 24 and my buddy comes in case of beer on rollerblades like what's up boys we were like fuck dude and like it wasn't our apartment we didn't care but we're like i i don't know if they ended up buying it or not but our landlord was not very happy i said what the fuck is wrong with you guys we uh my buddy we we rented a house in the hamptons and he had to sign like a million things that like only he and and three other people would be.

No parties, yada, yada. And then my friend jumped in a pool and broke his neck. And he's been getting sued basically ever since. They were like, what happened to you? He's getting sued for breaking his neck? Yeah, it sucks. It's like one of those things where you just sue everybody. I don't think it's not going to fall on him. It's like gonna be insurance and the pool company and all this other shit

but like it's one of those things where's like your name was on the paper so you're in it too he didn't break his neck his our friend broke his neck and then like they it's a little bit weird i don't even know if i can put this in there but my, my friend's family who the kid broke his neck is like suing our friend, but they're like, don't worry. Like we're not, we're not going to take your money. Yeah. Coach Taylor didn't teach Tim Riggins, Tim Riggins, um, the quarterback how to, how to tackle the, the, yeah. What is his name? Uh, what is it? Jason Street. Jason Street. I know Saracen. What don't know the other one. What a show. I was at a party once in Nantucket where someone jumped into the pool.

It was a party party. Like, not quite like, what's the X one? Miles Teller. Project X. Not quite that, but it was like a high school party in a movie. Yeah. Like, everyone's out, red cops, blah, blah, blah. And someone dove into the pool and broke their neck.

And he got booed For ruining the vibe Of the party Yeah My friend My friend This was Like roundly booed

Like not like a spattering Of boobers Everyone's like Boo Ambience is rolling off Ambience is rolling off Airvac'd out My friend

We went to the boardy barn In Long Island And they They have a notoriously tough security like bouncer whatever

and he was he was of age everyone was 21 but I think he was like just 21 and his ID by accident said he had brown eyes

instead of blue eyes or vice versa and they wouldn't let him in and so he went back to the pool like went back to the house to hang out and that's where he broke his neck so if they just fucking let him in the so he went back to the pool like went back to the house to hang out and that's where he broke his neck

so if they just fucking let him in the bar that day no way his whole life would have been different I fully believe in like everything happens for a reason yeah and so I'm like

there was a lesson in that some lesson I mean he ended up he ended up like against all odds like he can't use his legs but they said he'd be neck down and he's only waist down

and like married and kids and living like a good life but I'm sure. Oh, he fully can't? Yeah, he broke his neck in a wheelchair for life. He didn't see the pictures. What?

He didn't see the pictures. What do you mean? Inside of the pool. It was like he – yeah, you know the one with the little shock waves come out of the ground? He was diving like – you know where the pool starts to shock little shock waves come out of the ground he was diving like you know where the pool starts to slant down yeah yeah

I think he thought he was gonna like clear it almost like that and he like just but I remember we felt the ground like

oof yeah it was bad I'm just not a daredevil that's the one gift I have I'm so scared of everything like that's the gift you have is that you're scared of everything

yeah like I don't like to jump from heights I don't like that shit I'm with you at this age now I have a rule'm so scared of everything. That's the gift you have is that you're scared of everything? Yeah, I don't like to jump from heights. I don't like that shit. I'm with you at this age now. I have a rule. I don't leave the ground. I stay... I like going to plane or whatever. My body will not leave the ground unless I'm in something.

I stay grounded, literally. Not figuratively, but literally. I don't have a hard rule like that, but if someone's like let's jump off this thing I'm like go ahead the risk reward

for that sort of shit he'll jump off of like cliffs and stuff nope yeah no I'd rather just take a bunch of mushrooms on the ground

fuck yeah girl he likes that too yeah yeah that's how you that's how you end up dead bro that's how you end up breaking your neck

so now you'll just break, you know, you're... How old are you? 34. That's a good... So by 35, are you going to, like... Stop jumping in general? I'll be dead. No, I mean, like...

He's going to ramp up the jumping. By this age, you know... No, we actually have said this recently, that the idea... I used to love, like, roller coasters and all that shit. The idea of that... I haven't been in a park where it was even possible in a long time,

but the idea of it does scare me now i'm not sure i would get on a roller coaster again i know my dad used to ride roller coasters with me as when i was a kid and then when he was like now looking back he was like 45 and he was like oh i can't do that one i was like come on dad i'm like 30 and i'm like absolutely not i'm terrified of that like my kids are getting to the age where they ride stuff now. And I do not handle spinning. If I just stood up and spun around twice right now, I'd be like, whoa, I'm dizzy. Even the teacups are little things that just spin no fucking way.

And they're going to be like, my son for sure is going to be like a wild child who wants to do everything. I'm going to be like, your mom. Go to your mom. I'll be waiting with the picture and the stroller but then i'll get you a t-shirt or something yeah yeah yeah i'll finance everything i'll buy it but i'm not doing it fuck that um yeah that's why if i ever have kids i need to have enough money to have a nanny as well because i'm like, I'll go and like get an ice cream or something, but I don't want to be involved. Business idea. Hire nannies,

male nannies. Gotta keep a close eye on them. But the, hire them at amusement parks and they ride the rides with their kids. Are you looking for a second job? I'm not looking for a second job.

I'm looking for access. I mean mean they have That's just called being a nanny Yeah I was gonna say That's already a job I don't know why it has to be the male But no because For someone to have

Hang on here For someone to have Alright flesh it out bud For someone to have A nanny that comes to the park with you That's a lot of money Oh just that For the hour

It's like It's like a babysitter But you're not It's the car One of those people That waits with like a vest. It's like you have the possibility with a FastPass. Also, do you want a mildly drunk 20-year-old to ride the ride with your kid? I'll tell you what.

Not a bad idea. Not the worst. If the guy has good bedside manner with the kids, so they actually want to go with him. You guys are walking in dangerous territory. Very, very dangerous. Yeah. Oh, you want someone to hold your kid's hand?

Like the pedophiles aren't signing up for that one. Immediately. Here's what I need. An adult male to hang out with children at the amusement park for the day. If he comes back crying, the ride was scary. What was that show? Like the stranger show where the guy would be like, welcome to, what's it called? What is this?

The pedophile show. Oh, Catch a Predator. Catch a Predator. This sounds like a setup for that. Recent guest on the show. I cleared it with him. He was on the show relatively recently.'s chris hans is waiting at the end he's like do it again do it again the kid he's like he's excited too i love it so uh what's

up what's up next comedy wise are you touring are you doing spots here what's going on yeah i'm doing a few one-nighters i have uh i'm doingth at the City Winery, June 1st, Seattle, and then April 22nd, that weekend, I'm at the Arlington Draft House with Chad and JT. Awesome. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I said it before, but I really feel like you just start to see people's names

and things start to percolate a little bit, and I feel like you're hitting that moment right now. Well, thank you. Yeah, keep it up. Thanks for coming. Thanks for having me. Yeah, thanks. You got time to shoot a video quick?

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