KFC Radio - Feits Dad Pulled Off a 30 Year Prank Ft. Guys We F@#ked and Mike Recine

Episode Date: March 17, 2022

- Feits Dad pulled off a30 year prank - The Adam Project Review - the guys watch an incredibly disturbing sex scene from Brand New Cherry Flavor, a new Netflix show - Jackie's friends started a rumor about her, involving horses - AITA - Viagra honey - not tying shoes - Video Voicemails - Dating someone dumb - Usain Bolt vs Joey Chesnut - worst criminal charge you'd still bang - Interview with Guys We F@#cked - Interview with Mike Recine ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @macczack21 @mikeypavss ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - Feits' Dad's 30-year prank 6:02 - The Adam Project Review 12:23 - Brand New Cherry Flavor Scene 30:52- Jackie's friends started a rumor about her involving horses 36:25 - AITA 1:17:15 - Video Voicemails 1:54:41 - Guys We F@#ked Interview 2:40:07 - Mike Recine Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Coinbase : Sign up at https://barstool.link/CoinbaseKFC for $10 in free Bitcoin Birddogs: Go to https://barstool.link/BirddogsKFC, enter promo code “KFC” IKON Pass: Score the best prices on winter 22/23 and get all the early season goods at https://barstool.link/IkonpassBSS Helix Sleep: For $200 off all mattress orders and 2 free pillows, go to https://barstool.link/HelixSleepKFC Laundry Sauce: Go to https://barstool.link/LaundrySauceBSS and use promo code KFC for 10% off your next purchaseYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I maybe had something I shouldn't have said, but I did. And here we are. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. We got our live shows in Boston this Friday. So this will be our last episode before we hit the stage. So if you are in Boston You're celebrating St. Paddy's tonight

Keep the party rolling through tomorrow We want to have a sellout We want to do a double back-to-back sellout The second sellout is not sold out yet In order to inspire people for a sellout We are going to raffle off 10 pairs of Sad Boy sneakers Buy a ticket, you are entered into the raffle Email sadboycontest at gmail.com

With a screenshot of your ticket And your size If you are selectedmail.com with a screenshot of your ticket and your size. If you are selected, I'll buy you a pair of sneakers because they'll make me buy them. I will buy you a pair of sneakers and I will send them to you. We're basically just buying 10 tickets to be like, you want to go to the show?

Yeah. It will be raffled off. I want to have as many people there as we can. It's not quite sold out yet. And I think it's going to be a memorable show. I just got a tweet from someone saying, I'm going alone. And I was like, I don't think you're going to go home alone. I think if you're at the Friday night show, there's a good chance that's a big old fuck fest. It's going to be a kickoff.

Kickoff the weekend. It's St. Patrick's Day. You're probably still drunk from the night before. You either just come from pre-gaming or you're sticking around from the first show. Or it's a 10.30 show, so I'll just come and go out afterwards because this is going to be, like we said, bagpipes, acrobats. It's fucking a party.

We're going to be partying. We're not doing the acrobats. Didn't think so. Yeah. We've been saying that. We found out the acrobats are wildly expensive. Cost of the acrobats was real fucking steep. Cost of acrobats is apparently prohibitively expensive. The cost of the acrobats was real fucking steep. The cost of acrobats is apparently prohibitively expensive.

If you want to jump on stage while we're setting up and do some somersaults and shit like that, you guys can do that. I can do a mean cartwheel. But the bagpipes will be there. So go buy tickets to the Wilbur Friday night in Boston. We do want to have that second show sold out, and so it's going to be an absolute show.

We got an interview today with the girls from Guys We Fucked. We'll talk about that in a little bit. Of course, I'm the asshole and voicemails. But first... I got to tell you first of all, we're still talking St. Patrick's Day. Yeah. I was in Newport this weekend for a friend's surprise party, and then Newport St. Patrick's Day was this Saturday.

So we went to a bar. And it's not as popular as it used to be back in the day. But there used to be this thing. And this is honestly just a wholesome story that I like. Oh, good. We don't have enough of those on the shelf. Back in the day, you used to be like you walk into a gas station, you give like a dollar, and you write your name on something And they hang it up

And it's kind of like You know what I'm saying I mean I know about hanging dollars I don't think I ever hung one on It's not an actual dollar You buy something for charity Kind of deal Oh I don't know this then

And yeah You'll recognize it When I show it to you Like something like that Like and then they kind of Hang that up I'll be honest I don't

Really? Yeah They cut them into shapes And they kind of You know what I'm talking about right? Does everyone else Know what I'm talking about? No one else is listening. So you hang him up, right?

So I went into a bar. I haven't seen him in forever. But something that happened when I was younger was that my dad used to convince, trying to convince us that his best friend growing up was a man named Woza. Woza? Cardoza. And Cardoza is a very popular name. It's Portuguese in the fall area.

There's also Marcia Mello. Mello is another popular one. Wait, that's real or your dad? Well, so ever since I was a kid, he'd be like, Woza Cardoza. He'd tell us stories about what was a Cadoza. And then as we got older, what he started doing was he'd go into gas stations. And for some reason, I could always picture him skiing when we did this.

We were always like, he was always in ski gear. But he'd go into the gas station and he'd buy one of those name things for like five bucks. And he'd sign it, what was a Cadoza? And he'd come running out to the car. He'd and he'd sign it what was the cardosa and he'd come running out to the car look he'd be like kids woza was just here right and this motherfucker made like a new santa claus dude and i like like i i was like eight i was like god we missed woza and then and then i'd be like 13 and i'd be like wow how is how are we always just missing woza and i was like 20 and and I was like, ah.

Clark Kent and Superman are never in the same place at the same time. I was like 20, and I was like, I don't know if WOSA's real. So then I was at the Newport St. I was at a bar at the Newport St. Patrick's Day Parade this weekend, and they had those kind of things that you could buy. Did you do it, or was it already? So I took a picture, and I I texted to my dad and my siblings. And my sister just goes, don't even fucking start with this.

We used to fight with my dad. Wokes, it's not real. Wokes, it's not real. What do you mean, Wokes, it's not real? He's on the wall. I can tell you that as a dad, if I get that fucking 30 years from now with a joke of mine and you send it back, I would be waterworks. I'd be like, this is amazing. Woza Cardoza.

Woza was just here. Oddly enough. He'd come out in like ski boots. He kept running out because he can't really run in ski boots. He kept hobbling like this. Kids, kids, get out of there. Woza was just here. It's so funny how dumb kids are.

And then when you learn something as a kid, you'll keep it through like 20 years old. You know what I mean? It's like, no, my dad told me about this forever. It's got to be real. My dad used to call my brother, not Cardoza. It was something similar, though. He would call him, oh, I don't know if this is a real place or a made-up place called Formosa. He would call him Brend um i don't know if this is a real place or a made-up place called formosa he would call him brendoza from formosa and i think it's type this type in formosa is it is there something to do with taiwan for some reason i think my i think my dad was making

inappropriate jokes about asians uh and for some reason taiwan was involved and he would say brendoza from formosa, my Taiwanese baby boy. I would yell it out. My dad's always like doing these like voices and sing song type shit. My Taiwanese baby boy. My brother being like a little kid and not knowing what's going on thought he was saying tied when he was

a boy. And he like for years, my brother thought he was like getting tied up and didn't know what the fuck was going on. My dad just running around screaming Brandozaza from formosa maybe he's related to woza cardoza yeah when you said that i was like wait a second what um wow that is that is like i i'm feeling i'm thinking about that as like a as a uh you know like i'm always saying snoozy suzy to my kids like if when they're like 30 they send me something about Snoozy Susie. I do it.

I watched The Atom Project with – Yeah, with Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, it was a bag of shit. I guess I could have guessed it. How little Netflix respects us? It's crazy. It's concerning. Well, I'm happy you brought that up because –

Like as a movie viewer, it is like – I think I said once that the – actually, you know what? I never tweeted it because at the time, there's been a bunch of fucking overlaps with people we're friendly with now who have had a movie. Netflix movies. Or they're in it or they've directed it. Right. And I tweeted – I never tweeted, but I had typed out, it's shocking how little Netflix respects us as viewers. They keep feeding us pieces of shit and saying,

say oink oink, little piggy. Say it. Say oink oink. Boar on the floor! Boar on the floor! And we're just running around. And it's like, we'll watch it. Say oink oink.

And they're like, dude, like, I mean, and then like the next day they'll be like, 300 million people watched it. That's what drives, I mean, so this is Ryan Reynolds, Zoe Saldana, and Mark Ruffalo. And it's space and time travel, you know, and look at the poster. I mean, you know what I mean? It's like, of course, 800 billion people are going to watch this. And this was, I don't know. I just want to get Ryan Reynolds in here one day, so I don't want to talk too much about it.

But it's just like a movie. You know what I mean? If you ask me, like, give me a review of that, I'd be like, it's a movie. That's all Netflix makes. It's like, yeah, it's time travel, and it had a cute. Actually, I will say this. The kid in it is awesome. This kid, I can't remember his name.

It's like – what's his name? It's like Wardle or something like that. He has no movies. He's never been in a movie. Really? This is like his – he's never been in anything. And boom. Yeah, Walker Scoble.

Go to his IMDb. It has nothing but The Atom Project. And I heard But I didn't confirm this for myself I heard he Was Like went to the Tryouts, what was it called? Auditions

And it's a time travel thing Spoiler alert It's Ryan Reynolds in the future And so they needed someone Who kind of acts like him And this kid can do the Ryan Reynolds to a T. You know how Ryan Reynolds has that way he talks and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And this kid, like, nailed it, apparently. And they were just like, all right, this is the kid. Because I don't think he has literally anything else. Because you imagine if, like, your first movie, you don't even know commercial, no appearance on a soap opera, no nothing. It's just like, oh, yeah, I got a job. That's a major Netflix movie. And same thing with Homeboy from Euphoria. Was not an actor at all. Yeah, right? It's just, like, Entertainment It's just like, oh, yeah, I got a job. It was a major Netflix movie. And same thing with the homeboy from Euphoria. Was not an actor at all.

Yeah, right? It's just like Entertainment Tonight and like, yeah. He's never been on anything except this. The dude from Euphoria is not an actor at all. Fezco, who's like the fucking, he's like the drug dealing, like. I know him. He's like the star. Yeah.

He's like the beloved guy. Yeah. And he was like a fucking janitor or something, right? They walked by him in the street. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They just knew. He's like the star. Yeah. He's like the beloved guy. Yeah. And he was like a fucking janitor or something, right? They walked by him in the street. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They just knew. He just had to look.

They were just like, that's like what we're looking for. Really? And now he's a part of. I don't know if we ever talked about this, but like Euphoria might end up being the most popular TV show like of all time. Yeah. I got to catch up for next season. Not obviously.

Network TV doesn't count. But it has the highest rating. It has Game of Thrones level ratings, on season two, those, usually shows don't pick up like that, to like season five, six,

when everybody is like, oh, I'm on the bandwagon, this just has every, I don't know if they're gonna get five and six, with this one, well, that's,

because I think like, Zendaya already said like, she already said like, you won't see season three for a while, because she's gotta go do all this shit, but I don't know, Zendaya is a big deal, of that show, I feel like everybody, like, she could die off, and I bet that show keeps going.

Yeah. Because they're all, I mean, there's so many fucking, that show gives me fucking anxiety. I can't watch it. By the way, I do want to apologize to Netflix real quick because literally in the last week I've watched two great Netflix movies, Worth I already mentioned, and The Heart of They Fall. The Heart of They Fall is fucking sick. That's the black cowboy scene? Yeah, it's like kind of Tarantino-esque

with how gory the blood that kills on it. The Heart of They Fall is fucking sick. It's a fully black... Soundtracks dope. Yeah, you knew it was that. I think Jay-Z was heavily involved in it. Yeah, that's what he created an Instagram for. For that post, yeah. Because that was also when he was on

Clubhouse or Spaces, and they were doing a Spaces about that, and Kaz just did an impromptu hosting job. Yeah. That's one of the coolest fucking moments ever. Kaz from Say Less, and he was formerly on Flagrant 2. We've had him on here before. He was in the Twitter space as a fan.

Jay-Z saw him, like his name in it and like the the it was like it wasn't running smoothly and he was like kaz why don't you just run this like do your thing and like host this moderate this for us can you imagine that dude close that fucking thing so fast whoops sorry hove no kaz stepped up and did what he does, interviewing everyone. It's an all-black cowboy film. I think they said because traditionally it's such a white thing, they wanted to show that they can knock this out of the park, too.

It's sick. It's actually one of the better movies I've watched. I think it does have nominations and stuff. It's absolutely one of the better movies I've watched this year. Adam Project, fine, whatever. It's pretty hard for me to make a time travel movie that I'm just like, meh. Harder They Fall, awesome. There's also brand new Cherry Flavor.

Now, I don't know anything about this, but what I'm seeing, this is never a good sign, this is never a good sign, or is it a good sign, when people are saying, go to episode blah, blah, blah, minute blah, blah, blah, and tell me what you think. So this is, I saw a brand new cherry flavor. Start out, yeah, 29 is where the first thing happens. 35 is where the second thing happens. This is going to be some good old internet reaction video.

Okay. Because this is some wild shit. Actually, I want to turn off. Can you turn off the flash? I'll tell you what. Am I going to need a trash barrel? Because the headline of this episode is tadpole smoothie. Yeah, you might need that.

Let's get a bucket in here. Yeah. Get him a bucket. Get the bucket. It's more sexual than it is gross, but it's gross. Okay. Maybe I'll get a bucket for another reason. Get him a rag and a bucket.

We're not sure which way this one's going to go. His dick is either exploding or his fucking mouth is. We'll find out, folks. Bro, by the way, do you see these trash balls are called Slim Jims? Just did now. Okay. So let's watch for the first thing. This is on Netflix.

I literally couldn't tell you anything else about the show. I don't know who's... Brand new cherry flavor. Sounds like one of those we're pushing boundaries titles. And then tadpole smoothie sounds. This is like the one. We're gonna do the gross thing. Okay, this girl's just getting out of the shower. Let her rip.

You can see okay, right? With the glare and everything? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. We don't even know what genre this is. Okay, okay. Don't love that. It's a pussy right below her rib cage. Wait, it's a cut.

Is that what's supposed to be a pussy? Well, you'll see, John. Oh, my heavens. That doesn't look anything like a pussy. Am I fucking the right kind of pussies? Have I not ever had sex with a vagina? You'll see. You'll see.

So this is a horror movie, clearly. Horror show. Yeah, it's like... And this is not the TV that's happening? This is... I don't know. That's intentionally happening? No, I don't think so.

That might just be the TV. Okay, I'm sorry I see a little... Ooh, sorry I see a little cum there. Yeah, yeah. And look at her face. So, like, it's a pussy, you know? Yeah. Not a, you know, a little too wimpy.

Not a good-looking one, yeah. But a lot of... But this is where things start to get a little bit wacky. Okay. Oh. She's rubbing the clit. If there was a clit, that's where it would be. Ooh. But now She's rubbing the clit. If there was a clit, that's where it would be. Oh.

But now, something's gone wrong. We're going into contractions of some sort. Uh-oh. Oh, boy. Isn't that the worst when you start masturbating and all of a sudden you're pregnant? Okay, I think I've I think I'm not gonna be sick here oh yeah we got that little piggy little piggy little kitty cat oh the cat look yeah pussy it's a little kitten it's a

pussy coming out of... Ugh! Wow. Just a cat on the floor from her side pussy. Yo, that would be... Imagine you could give birth to different species from different pussies. This is my cat pussy. This is my bird pussy. Which one do you want to come in? Which one makes a salamander?

Now, fast forward to like the 34, 45, 34. Yeah, right, right, right. No, no, no. I'll go back. Yeah, like right there. Because now this guy has come in the room. And he was the one knocking when she was shitting out the cat. Let me in.

What's going on? I don't even know what they say. Yeah, I'm sure it's terrifying to give birth to a fucking cat. And homeboy here is like, I don't care. Let's fuck. Let's take control of your pussy. Oh, is he going to fucking dump a load in there? Well, I think eventually.

I don't think we unfortunately, we don't get to see that. Dude, why is her side hood so gross? But watch what he does here. Like, he just goes for the kill. Watch this. Throw a fist in? Watch the way these fingers just... I know that game.

Yeah, I know that game. But look at this. Three fingers. Four fingers. Now we're getting a little fucking greedy. You better not know this game. Ready? Watch this shit.

We're talking full side fisting. Yeah. Nice little fist bump. I mean, this guy's in her guts. You know when you use that joke? No, no, no. He's like in her intestines. And look at this.

He picks her up. Oh! And I think from here is where he just fists her in bed for the rest of the experience. I mean, I've seen... I know the two-finger fucking... You don't dip your toe in. You just kind of... Just go right for the kill?

You play a little bit and then you... And that gives you a little like... Cannonball! Incoming! But that, I've seen porn with less penetration. Like, that was just a whoosh! You know what I mean? There was a full view of just whoosh!

And then he just goes, he went, like, in three thrusts, he went two fingers, three fingers, four fingers, piss. That is, he is going in for the fucking kill. That. Netflix is, is, Netflix has got to be kidding me. We're shitting out cats from side pussies and we're getting fisted? I mean, I don't care what. You don't know anything else about it.

I literally know. I couldn't tell you a name of a character, the name of, like, the idea of the plot. All I know is, like, yes, I know Netflix has, like, adult fucking movies. I know that they had that one with the kids. Those are the kids. You're not cheer, but one of those. Yeah, cheerleading, dance with the kids. We've seen that giant dick, the one where the girl gets raped for 365 days.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some movies. But fisting Is usually Fisting's like Pornhub Like you know Hides that Yeah

Like fisting is Is an aggressive Genre of entertainment It's But I guess like It's very high Highly rated 86%

78% Rotten Tomatoes Yeah we'll see I mean It is uh it stopped for me a fist but i mean that actually wasn't as gross as i thought i don't like like i wouldn't say it's a fucked up sex scene that's a that's a horror movie scene right like okay all right all right i mean like that's like that's it's a horror movie it's not a yeah yeah i'm like what the hell's wrong that's sexy like i don't scene It's not a Yeah yeah yeah I'm not like What the hell's wrong With that sex scene Like I don't know It's people not having sex

Well yeah It's graphic The thing that we watch Was fucked up sex scenes With like the You know They're putting your foot Inside the pussy

Yeah right right right Because this isn't even A real pussy But like Still Any sort of simulated Fisting On a television show

There's a chance But would you call John there's a chance You might watch that With your parents And what do you do then You know what I mean You could sit down And be like yo I have a lot of conversations on a television show, there's a chance you might watch that with your parents. And what do you do then? You know what I mean?

You could sit down and be like, yo. I have a lot of conversations. I'm going to have no conversations about that. I could sit down and you could be like, Pauly, I heard there's this new horror movie. You want to watch it? Horror show. And you watch the first couple episodes, and I'm sure there's some weird shit. And then episode four, when you're really starting to dig in,

someone's getting their side pussy fisted and you got to just sit there. I mean, you know, it's a running, it's an old cliche, but watching sex parents, sex scenes with your parents is one. I don't care if you're 13 or 113, you sit there and you just sweat and you feel like each other looking at each other

and you just want it to end. And that's when they're just like simulating, like maybe humping each other, and you just want it to end. And that's when they're just simulating maybe humping each other. This was fisting in the side pussy. Dude, the last two things I've watched with my parents are Dan Soder, Son of a Gary, and Andy Haynes' new special. And they both extensively talk about ass eating. And that one was tough. Because one time my parents were probably like, okay, whatever. Now I've shown my parents, too, hey, you'll like this fucking special. A lot of ass eating. Yeah. And that one was tough. Because like now, like one time my parents were probably like,

okay, whatever. Like now I've shown my parents to, hey, you'll like this fucking special. A lot about eating. Too special to have, you know, they'll go more than

two minutes on it, but it's two minutes of talking about how much you love eating ass. What do you think the next generation... Although Andy, I don't think does.

I think Andy just does a bit about how we do. I forget what it is. What do you think the next generation's ass eating is? The thing that we will be like you guys do that like our parents would be like you guys all regularly like on a first date we'll lick each other's asses what the fuck is wrong with you what is that going to be for us i don't know what what are you grossed out by

sexually within reason right now like where's your where's your hard stop i don't know fisting that's i was wondering that if like if like if there's going to be like fisting jokes and memes in the future because everyone's just getting fucking punched in the pussy or asshole i don't i don't know i i i can't i don't have a hard stop that i can comprehend. So it's not something I've regularly run into. Because it probably – if you bring it back, it was probably like blowjobs, right? With my hard stop? No, no, no. Oh, yeah.

Like back in like the fucking 40s or some shit. I see. I see. It was probably like your grandparents' grandparents would never dream of putting their mouth on that. And then like anal. And then maybe then it's – there's probably three generations of sex things. And it's probably on to ass eating now. Maybe, do you think, like, threesomes will become, like, I could see that.

Because everything's just getting more fluid and more whatever. Where it just becomes, like, poly is, like, a. I could see that. That makes more sense. It's a good thing, you know, your mom will probably be gone when that becomes a thing. Because if everyone's poly and that means they're all banging each other, would not be gonna be good for her i could see like yeah no i'm like you know i'm 16 and i've had a couple threesomes with like a couple guys a couple girls whatever you know where we would be like you've you've fucked your best friend what that's

such a hard question though it reminds me of that party i was at this weekend i had someone come up to me and they were like oh you work on the internet and blah, blah, blah, kind of nonsense. And she was like, this is a woman. This is an older woman. And she's like, so do you play Wordle? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I play Wordle. And she's like, you know, everyone's on to it. Everyone's playing Wordle.

What I've decided is I'm trying to think of the next thing. What do you think the next thing is? I was like, I don't fucking know. If I knew that, bitch. It was like her idea, like finding out the next thing now. Was the idea. You know what is huge?

Let's find out the next thing. You know what is amazing? Is Instagram. What's next? I'm trying to find out what's next. You know that Uber thing? And if I knew, I wouldn't tell you, strange lady. I would not be here with you, you dump truck.

I'd be rich. It is. It's like such a weird thing to add. It's hard, but I think you did a pretty good job answering your question. I think I could definitely see little love pods. Remember when we learned about that, about fucking cuddle puddles? Yeah. I can see.

That's just people. High on drugs. Yeah, I mean, that's just. What are you kids doing these days that you think old people would be freaked out by? Zach's like. Mr. Sex over here. Zach's like, tell you what, the dude's a sucking dick. I mean,

you're all eating butt. Of course, we were eating butt when we were in like seventh grade. It was like, have you had your first kiss and have you eaten

your first butt? Crazy. I don't know. We were probably like right in the middle of that where I was just, I'll dive in, whatever.

What do you mean? Like, I don't think I grew up like thinking about that. You know what I mean? No. Like as a kid until i met mike what does that mean mike adriano oh i was like is that just a gay joke or like you know no once i fucking stumbled on mike adriano video i was like let me put my tongue in your that's a thing okay well that's what i mean like growing up it was like, let me put my tongue in your eye. That's a thing. Well, that's what I mean.

Growing up, it was like... That got my heart rate going. Interesting. It wasn't one of the bases, you know? I was like, I got to kiss a girl. I got to feel a girl up. I'm going to have to finger a girl. I need to learn how to go down on a chick. I didn't think, like, also flip her over.

There's also dessert. I'll tell you what. I was really surprised when it wasn't the middle finger. It was how you finger. But it is. It is. you finger. But it is. It is. It is. It should be.

It's not. But it is. It's not the finger that drives the bus. It should be. This is the better finger. This is the superior of fingers. I don't think so. It's placed.

It's longer. You can do more with it. This has your whole fucking hand and your thumb is getting in the way. This is like the right amount. The middle finger is the hand on the steering wheel. This is why it's the fuck you finger. Because I fuck you with it.

Or is your dominant hand on the steering wheel. Because the other finger can come and go. Wait, what are you saying? This finger is the dominant hand on the steering wheel. The ring finger? Yeah. Is the dominant What? I think that one's driving the bus. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I can't figure it out.

I think I know what you're saying, but I think you're saying it wrong, though. Your middle finger you always need. Yeah, yeah, okay, you're right. And your ring finger is just like extra. You're right. Because you just need a little more size, like girth, if you will.

Oh, by the way, I met one of my buddies uh who what triggered that i'll tell you it'll make perfect sense very quickly uh his kid has 12 fingers like two extra pinkies extra on each they're gonna cut it off um but the i say no it's but it's not it's not useful. Oh, okay. It's like it's connected by like a skin tag almost, but then it's a fully grown finger with a fingernail and everything. But they can't, for some reason, cut it off until he's one.

Which surprised me. That's going to be a tough year. Well, I think it's a very simple surgery. The way they talked about it, I was like, yeah, it's really no big deal. It's kind of funny to play with right now. It would be... I'll be honest, I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I'm just pict yeah, it's really no big deal. It's kind of funny to play with right now. It would be... I'll be honest, I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I'm just picturing, you know when you go like this? Yeah, yeah.

I didn't actually meet the kid, I just heard about it. That's one of the coolest things in the world. I would guess that's exactly what it's like. It's just a dead little thing. But a whole finger. Now that's something, like if I had a kid that had a full six fingers on each hand, I would be like, listen, dude, you're going to get bullied. It's going to suck.

But when it comes time to swim or to throw a football or to palm a basketball or fucking fight or whatever, you're going to be the man. You're going to be palming a basketball when you're in, like, third grade. More combat character come to be the man. You're going to be palming a basketball when you're in third grade. You're going to be a combat character come to life. Yeah. Just trust me. Deal with the drama in elementary school, and when you've got a full ride when you're in college, flip them your fucking second middle finger.

Flip them the double quadruple bird because it'll be worth it. If you could have one defect like that, what would you want? Would you want a third arm? Would you want an extra something or other? Would you take a second dick? No, heavens no. Nothing with the penis. You don't want fucking noteworthy genitals.

You don't want second dicks. You don't want side pussies. I think I want a noteworthy genital. But not in a freak way. Yeah, of course. You don't want a noteworthy genital. But not in a freak way. Yeah, of course. You don't want a notorious or infamous genitals. You want a gossipy genitals. Yeah, that's what it is.

But I think, man, it's kind of a cheat code, I guess, now that I'm going back on what I just said, too. Maybe a third nut. This is funny. We've talked about how... Extra nipples are hard. But the extra nipples, they don't really affect you. We had a buddy with four nipples

when I was a kid. And it wasn't like those fucking, like, you know, some of them are, like, smaller. They were, like, full-blown nips. I mean, that motherfucker's got udders. Yeah, that's exactly who he was part of. Yeah. Yeah, we move out of the stuff. That's like when you see cats and dogs that are not spayed for the first time,

and you just see a whole belly of nipples, it is one of the more jarring things. Like as a kid, I don't think I understood really what spayed and neutered meant, and then I kind of understood it as what neutered meant. Because I was just like, I don't know, there's balls and they're gone. And the first time you see a pair of balls on a dog, it's kind of like, oh, whoa. But I never even understood. So like when you get a dog spayed, they just like take their fucking, because that's all gone, right? I have no idea.

Like when you have a dog that's fixed as a girl, you don't have all the nipples, right? I honestly, I've never noticed. That shit freaks all the nipples, right? I honestly have never noticed. That shit freaks me the fuck out, man. No, no, no. Because what would they do with them? Yeah, no, I've never felt my dog's nipples. I have two women dogs. I had two female dogs.

On the record, I've never felt my dog's nipples. Never once. Thinking back to the kid we used to bully, and I'm thinking how mean it is because we would moo regularly at him. Right? That's some good old-fashioned bullying. Walking through the hockey rink, we'd be like, moo, moo. I mean, that kid, he should walk around with one of those bells on his neck. Clanking and clanking.

We wouldn't say why. Because the only reason we knew was because we were on the hockey team. So we'd see him in the shower. What do you want? Yell to the public? Just letting you guys know

this guy has four nipples. But I feel like that because that's not crazy out of the ordinary. I think everyone's heard of someone with an extra nipple or something like that. I've never heard of four.

But I feel like not telling the people why we were mooing is meaner. Because then their minds run wild. Did he fuck a cow? Why are they getting... Did he suck a cow's udder?

Like, why are they always mooing at him? But you can't, like, explain your bullying to people. Like, just disclaimer. It's echoing throughout the halls. Moo! That's awesome, by the way. Like, that's a really fun... By the way, it's not really bullying.

He's our friend. So, it's not really bullying these are our friend so it's like teasing but like did you call him like i would have called him like cow no i don't want to say what we call them just because like then people are gonna make start making connections what but you but was it a cow related answer it was just something else okay i mean that's just listen you're a freak with four nipples Best case scenario Is just that your friends just moo at you It would be way fucking worse man Let me tell you My friends like for some reason

They like started the rumor Out of literally nowhere Out of literally nowhere they were like Jackie fucked a horse And then they No no no no Name of the episode Those rumors don't come out of literally nowhere.

No, that's exactly what they... Exactly that. So then they would start telling everybody, like, Jackie fucked a horse. I'd be like, no, no, I didn't fuck a horse. But there's some backing to it. I'd be like, no, there's actually no backing to it. I swear to God, there's nothing with the horse.

I never fucked a horse. And I had to dig my way out of it, but then they just thought it was that seems so guilty if I heard that if somebody told me that a girl fucked a horse I wouldn't think she actually fucked a horse but I'd be like she fucked somebody with a huge dick she really likes this that yeah whatever you know what I mean yeah no there's I mean and I still think that. You can. You can. Yeah.

Now we know. You can explain away until you're blue in the face. No. That was a wild thing to disclose. To, like, the locker room, basically. There's that Jackie walks in the house. I mean. I don't know why. I shouldn't have said that.

You should not have said that. Jackie, welcome to the podcast. Every time you walk out, you go, I shouldn't have said that. Yo, we are going on a horseback riding excursion now. We are going to go to a question event. I can't believe how quickly that came out. She was just like, my friends used to say, Jackie fucked a horse. There was no like, I got to tell you guys, listen, it's crazy.

It's wild. She just blurted that out. Did we run to Bronco to get to Boston? Yeah, we got to go on a Central Park ride with the horses now. Oh, my God. I regret this so much. So much. Jackie's going to get a homies out.

Oh, my God. Well, now you might find love. The clop-clops Pavlovi to Jackie. Jackie gives a clop-clop 5,000. Oh, my God. Well, now you might find love. The Klop Klop Pavlovi to Jackie. Jackie gives the Klop Klop 5,000. Oh, my God. Give him the Klop Klop. Wow. Holy moly.

Pull off his bird dogs and give him the Klop Klop. Goodness gracious. If you want to be comfortable and stylish, you got to get yourself some bird dogs. I know the bird dogs, guys. They're going to be happy that the clop-clop went into this. They're cool with that one. Because, listen, here's the deal. Whether you're wearing joggers or shorts or they're pants, whatever you're wearing, the most important thing is that you have comfortable,

your dick's comfortable. Your balls are comfortable. And even the girls can wear it. Just your, you know, beneath the belt area is comfortable. Right now, I am wearing uncomfortable underwear because it's like laundry day. Day runner. Day runner.

I mean, it's a ruiner. This podcast will be noticeably worse because of Kevin's underwear. Yes, and I have my bird dogs here. I didn't have them at home. And this is the problem. These are fucking XL, man. What is wrong with you? My fat ass.

You need to get liposuction. I got to reduce my ass. I need an ass reduction. I need the reverse of a BBL. Because now my dick is just smushed in the whole time. It's a nightmare. And if I had my bird dogs, I could have just put those on and not need to wear about underwear and worry about underwear at all because they have the built in hammock, if you will, that that that that carriage underneath there that carries them for you. And so now that

it's almost short season and warm weather, they have the most versatile clothing in the game from the athletic joggers and shorts to the dress pants and, of course, just the classic shorts that they've been selling for years now. Birddogs.com, promo code KFC, and you know that you get that Vortex football, a.k.a. the whistle tip. Whistle tip sounds like... The whistles go woo!

That is exactly what a whistle tip is Yeah yeah The whistle tip That makes me think of like You know Give it a whistle tip You know Today I said piggybacks

What doesn't make you think of something sexual? Not much Not much You know it makes me think We just listed two things That actually are whistle tips That makes me think of fucking sex Whistle tip

It's birddogs.com, promo code KFC, and when you buy a pair of the Bird Dog shorts, you get the football and stay comfortable in any season on Bird Dogs. I said piggybacks today, and the Instagram captions read it as Peggy Vax. And I was thinking of, I mean, Peggy Vax sounds, I was like, it's your aunt's alter ego on Facebook. I am Peggy Vax, and I'm here to tell you

why you shouldn't get the shot or something like that. I said, we're going to be drinking Piggy Vax. I don't know if we're pulling through or not. We started the process too late. But we may have an enormous amount of Pig of piggyback on deck for the Wilbur. We may or may not. They may be sending a pallet there and having it on sale, but I'm not sure if the distributors and the rules and the laws and all that shit are going to allow it,

but we might have. Well, I personally hope we do. Yes, I hope we do as well because I think we could have 1,000 people drunk off 8% piggybacks. And who knows what's going to happen there. Like I came for a live podcast and like a fucking brawl wrestling match broke out on stage. Who fucking knows? So let's do Emma the Asshole. And then we'll get into a little pre-interview discussion before we get into our voicemails and whatnot.

All right. Am I the asshole today? Am I the asshole for not telling my mom about my Viagra? Now, this was the one that we had on deck last week. You chose the blow-drying the balls, which was a great choice because it led to the sitting on the bed naked. An all-time move by me, you you and pretty much everybody who's telling the truth and why the asshole for not telling my mom about my viagra for you guys to be able to give an accurate judgment this requires some backstory you know that's gonna be i mean you know buckle up

folks let me start by saying i love my mom my mom is awesome and i wish her no ill will however my mom is nosy as fuck. Nosy as fuck. When I was growing up, she was the typical read your diary, go through the nightstand, read your text type of mom. It was all kind of chalked up to overprotective parenting. The situation got unbearable for me in college.

My freshman and sophomore year, I went to community college and lived at home. My parents had just gotten divorced and like many other males, I was horny. In my horniness, I went to the doctor and found out that I had contracted the CLAP, a sexually transmitted disease for foreigners For foreigners? Would foreigners not get fucking the clap? Actually, what is the clap? The clap is gonorrhea.

I always thought chlamydia and clap should go together, but the clap is gonorrhea, and I don't know why. I guess it's a nickname, but I feel like the clap is at least understood to be a sexual disease. Oh, they call it the drip, too? Oh, yeah. Oh, a French word. The French word is clapierre, which means brothel,

which is where you get the STD. Ah, okay. I remember one time being like... So then the foreigners don't need to explain to them. Right, as a matter of fact, right. They're like, yeah, we know, bro, the clapierre. A bill or something like that came in the mail for me and not only did my mom open it and read it and pay for it but she told my family about it how did i find out at thanksgiving when my aunt brought up

at the dinner table in front of a bunch of people and other family members who then proceeded to lecture me about safe sex you got a fucked up family if you're talking about your clap at the debt at the Thanksgiving table. Fast forward to today. I moved out after sophomore year and took a real step back for my family to figure out my life and where I wanted to go.

Went to pilot training, got with an airline. Life is good. My mom and I recently started slowly reconnecting, and when I transferred base to my hometown, oh, like that kind of pilot.

Okay, I thought he was flying for like Delta or some shit. I think you basically got to start like Air Force, Navy kind of deal. For real? Not got to. No, because actually. That's not true. I was going to say my uncle's one and he didn't.

No chance. Because you got to be like a fucking ace with the eyes and everything to be in the fighter pilots. I think a lot, at least the older ones. Yeah. I think they retire too. But I don't think you have to be because I think. Yeah. No, I don't know why I said that.

You absolutely do not have to be. I mean, they let women fly regular planes. Be honest. When you see a chick pilot, you're like – Right? You're like a little like – I will be honest. I am not.

But I also don't know how often I've seen a chick pilot. It's just one of those like, oh, okay, well. It's like when you see a woman taxi driver or DoorDash driver. That's crazy. I am surprised. A woman cab driver, a woman DoorDash delivery, I am absolutely shocked. You're just asking for bad things. Because not –

There's also just so many easier ways to make money and more money. I did DoorDash. more money I did DoorDash What? I did DoorDash You I just I'm sorry I've not said that I mean

She's just You delivered DoorDash? She's the female Feinberg It's crazy Yeah I delivered DoorDash I needed money When did you deliver DoorDash? It was the summer

Of I did DoorDash? It was the summer of... I did DoorDash, Cutco Knives, and something one summer. And babysitting. You gotta be careful. You can't go joining fucking cults and shit. Because you seem like you're very... The knife shit is wild. Dude, the knife shit is wild.

I think the knife shit is something that happened in the 50s. And I think it was almost a way to be like... It takes a village. We're all going to donate money like the 50s. And like. I think it was almost a way to be like. We're all. It takes a village. We're all going to like donate money to the local kids. And in exchange I get some knives. You know what I mean. But really.

A cook knife is a good knife. They are fucking sharp. And they last a long time. It's a good knife. And that's why I think it's like. Let's just. You know. You're providing.

They're working. They provide something. They are expensive as fuck. So you do get a decent amount of money. And we're helping the local kid like pay his bills. Dude. I remember my cousin did that. And like. He, and we bought them because it was my cousin. But it was like, he's like, you need to cut it.

Did they give the whole presentation? Yeah, you can cut a penny in half. Why do I need to cut a penny in half? I don't fucking know. But no, but see, I fuck with those infomercials where it's like, yeah. You could chop a television in half. I'm like, all right, yeah, let's do it. So how many knives did you sell?

The presentation should be Jackie walks in and says like i need money guys here are the knives i did i did like i only sold like um i think it was like 11 sets but like your family or to strangers uh just to family and friends to people you could guilt into yeah listen listen if you don't fucking buy this shit i'm just gonna freeload so at least get something family and friends. To people you could guilt into. Listen, if you don't fucking buy this shit, I'm just going to freeload. So at least get something obvious. You're either going to pay for my food and I'm going to run up your electric bill or you can just do it now. I was at the top of my... They did it to bribe you

but they had me go to these meetings like the nationwide meetings or whatever. Yeah, they're one step below a pyramid scheme in culture. They're legitimately a pyramid scheme. Yeah. They're a pyramid scheme. They're a pyramid scheme, yeah.

Okay, so you did that. What else? What about the doorknob? So you would walk up, you just walk up to doors and knock on them, not knowing what's on the other side. Yeah. But it was fun. It was fun.

But there are guys on the other side. You know how quickly you could get kidnapped? You're walking into their house. You know what men do almost exclusively to women? Kidnap, rape, and kill. I didn't think about that at the time. But it was fine. Top,

number one answer on the board. We surveyed 100 people. What do men do to women? Bing! Rape, kidnap, kill. Ding! But you have 75 points. Number one answer on the board. We surveyed 100 people. What do men do to women? Bing! Rape, kidnap, kill. Bing! 75 points. Number one answer. But all I do is I just go, I drop off the food, and I'm out.

They don't even have time to grab me. They grabbed him too quickly. How quick she is. She's got that fast twitch muscle. Did you guys take pictures of leaving the food at the door kind of shit? It wasn't. When I was doing DoorDash, we didn't have to do that. It wasn't like that.

Yeah, but now it's okay. Better. Because you can just leave it and go. But back when it was like, ding dong, open the door, I'll take my food, and you, you crazy 21-year-old chick

who decided to be a deliveryman. No, this was in... Because I was also in the suburbs, so it was like... Where? Say where. Lafayette. Okay, I was waiting for it

to be somewhere dangerous. No, no. I wasn't LA. It was, you know... Occ. Okay, I was waiting for it to be somewhere dangerous. No, no. I wasn't L.A. I can't say I would go to Oakland. It's crazy. My mom wouldn't let me have that job in college. Oh, what? I needed money, and I was going to be a bouncer.

My mom was like, you stay up too late. And I was like, all right, I'll be a pizza delivery guy. She's like, that's too dangerous. And I was like you stay up too late and i was like all right i'll be a pizza delivery guy she's like that's too dangerous and and i was like okay fine i'll just take money from you because it seemed like those are really the only jobs you can have and uh and but she was like no like i'd rather i'd rather help you know not give me a ton of money but i'd rather give you like 300 bucks a week and you don't spend all night going to all parts of neighborhoods delivering food and it was pizza it was pizza in providence neighborhoods delivering food. And it was pizza in Providence. This was pizza in Providence and tough gig. He was asking for trouble.

Yeah. She's not wrong in this one. I feel like it's the perfect. Well, not really, because I guess there's a trail. But don't you think it could be like serial killer-esque where they could be like the DoorDash killer struck again. Like another delivery person was fucking murdered because you just show up. Like, someone who shows delivery people? I feel like, but there's so much paper trail.

That's why I was going to say it's a problem. But, like, you need to almost then, like, you know, you order it to someone else's house or some shit. You know what I mean? You lane it. Yeah, you put someone else. They couldn't get the Chinese food on her side of the street. Yeah, because I could easily just throw whatever number I want. But then you could kill the guy whose house it is, too.

Or you could just, you know, kill him. I think this is a tough murder. I think there's a lot between apps and tracking and delivery and orders placed. It's more of a, it's not a serial killer thing. It's a one and done thing. Yeah, yeah. But there's plenty of guys who would one and done you. Right.

Just open the door and be like, this was a gift delivered to me. Yeah, well, okay. So we would find out who did it to you. You're dead.

Your blood to them was irresistible. It wasn't a planned killing. You could see some crazy dude on drugs being like, let's get a pizza. And you show up and he's just like,

this is an offering from God or some crazy shit. I don't know. It didn't, though. It didn't is the point. And I made a lot of money. Did you? I made a lot of money. A lot of tips?

Tips or did they pay you flat? Well, I also made a lot of money because at the time my parents paid for gas. And then I just got paid. You didn't have any expenses. I didn't have any expenses. So it was just whatever. That's interesting because people usually – not usually, but I have seen people complain about how much they make as DoorDash employees.

But also, like, they fucking – they don't fuck the consumer. It's more of – like, I have no problem. I especially post – I've always been a big tipper. Especially post-pandemic, I tip, like, 30% every fucking time. Still doing it? Yeah, I think I'm doing it. Because we're out a big tipper, especially post-pandemic. I tip like 30% every fucking time. Still doing it? Yeah. Because we're out of the pandemic era, as we declared, but a lot of those things stick around.

Yeah, people are having a hard enough time. You know what, though? This is where it's double fucked because people like us are still tipping like it's the real pandemic, and all these companies are still using the pandemic to fuck you, where it's like we have to charge more for this and we have to cut. You're getting any any frills on planes or anything anymore because of corona that shit's over now right now the plane ride just sucks because they don't want to pay for that shit that's like like yes like yesterday i was thinking about it like

yesterday i got a bagel right i got a bagel and water i was waiting uh that's where you get a pharmacy i got a bagel and water and it was was like $12. That's that 10% inflation, dog. I gave her $4 as a tip. Because I was like, this is $4. It's literally, the bagel place was empty. There was no one. I was the only customer. Wait, you just picked the bagel up and you gave her $4?

I was going to drive-thru. Yeah. I don't think I would tip on that. If there's a tip line, I'd tip on everything now. And I gave her $4. I was like, look, she probably makes like $8 an hour. In 40 seconds, she just doubled her – or she got a huge raise. It means literally nothing to me.

So, like, why not do it? Yeah, no, I mean it's very generous. But, like, I do it all the time. But the reason I bring this all up is that, like, it used to be delivery. When you ordered a pizza or you ordered Chinese food, when that was, like, you called and you got that shit delivered, it was like you gave them five bucks. Now it's, like, 20%. I mean, I get fucking $65 orders. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

20% is a fat tip. So you leave it 20%? Yeah, I feel bad changing it off 20%. So I leave it on 20%, and I definitely end up doing,, I'll give like 15, $20 tips on a fucking. Bro, your generosity over the years has crossed over into just madness. It's madness. Like it's just not. I'm sure there's a lot of people who don't like, they forget to change it sometimes.

But to remember and be like, nah, I'll give you an $18 tip on this. You're the man, dude. You're great. I'll very occasionally, very rarely, I'll give you an $18 tip on this. You're the man, dude. You're great. I'll very occasionally, very rarely, I'll order like a steak dinner. And then like I'm not giving you $40. Like if I – I think you would. No, I'll change it down to like 15% or 18%.

I think you've gotten worse and better. Like I feel like over the years, your tipping is just getting out of control. My tipping is out of control. Like it was always out of control in the beginning Your tipping is just getting out of control My tipping is out of control It was always out of control in the beginning But now it's out of control Giving a $20 DoorDash tip is nuts They must be like Although I did notice that they added

An extra fast thing now An extra fast? We're such fucking suckers There's no way there's any difference. And I was like, yup. That's on Lyft. I noticed that on Lyft. Express order.

Give me two minutes. None of those times are real on the fucking rideshare apps. They're all lie. Because it's like, that's the car right now. And once I hit enter, you're going to get me a different car. It's always fucking different. So you're a fucking loser. And you're an idiot if you fucking get one of those express orders.

But wait, anyway, so back to you. How many things would you drive in a night? I didn't do it like – I mean, it wasn't like a consistent thing. I would just do it like whenever I had time aside from my cutco and babysitting. So then I – How old were you? You were 21? No, no, no.

This was... I said 21. This was... I would have been 17. You were doing DoorDash at 17, Jacqueline? Bro. Yeah. Bro, you were a hustler.

You were babysitting Cutco and DoorDash at 17? You must have been caking it. No, I was making more that summer than I think I am right now. Yeah. Definitely. Definitely. But... No, I was making more that summer than I think I am right now. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. But what was I just talking about?

Because babysitting is something people crazy overpay for too, right? I saw someone I follow on Twitter today, and you can either give me a nod, yes or no. I guess during one of Biden's speeches, he was talking about what it costs for childcare in cities. And I guess Biden said something like $14,000. And they were like, it's way closer to $25,000, $30,000. That's what child care in a city is? Like per kid? I mean, I pay.

No, well, you know what's nuts is I pay $50,000. Yeah. $1,000 a week. Bro, that's crazy And actually Actually it's more Yeah Bro and you know what

If she came tomorrow And was like The rate's a hundred I'd be like okay I don't It should be more First of all It should be more

Because it's The worst job in the world And she just is like She has me by the balls And it's like It's like You're just talking about I was watching I think this was Talking about like's like, it's. You're just talking about just watching.

I think this was talking about like also their education. Like this is, you're talking about just your babysitting. And they go to school. And then school has a tuition as well. Dude, you are nuts. Yo, don't have kids. If I ever actually get someone pregnant, PS167 is the first time I get seen in a book. Yo, that is true. and I don't know.

I'm almost positive I didn't do this. I'm pretty sure I went to pre-K is when I started school. My kids started school when they were two. No, I started when I was five, four or five, whatever. Two is madness. Two is like they babysit you for two hours and charge you tuition. It's fucking insane, dude. And daycare was probably the same.

It was probably like, no, it was probably a little bit less, but it was probably like three grand a month or something like that. It's crazy. That should be illegal. But also, it's a crazy, it's a hard-ass job. And then she, I mean, I'll be straight. She's, like, the best parent out of the three of us. So it's, like, how much can you put a number on, like, raising your children right?

Because that's what we're doing, you know? So if I were, I mean, if she were, like, you know, strong on me for more money, I couldn't be, like, hey, kids, your second mom's gone now. We got a new one. We're sliding her in because she only costs a fraction of it. But yeah, I mean, $1,000 a week is going to fucking – I guess if you're going to spend money on anything, it would be your children. That's what I mean. It's a similar argument to the haircut thing.

I saw Stephen Chay put out a tweet the other day. It was like, how much did a men's haircut cost? And there was a poll. And it was like $15, $ men's haircut cost and there was a poll and it was like 15 20 25 or 30 it was like only five dollar increments or something like that and the last one i think was like 45 or up or something like that and i i always say especially after like the fleishman difference be like being like why would you not pay top dollar for something that's like on your fucking face all the time same thing for me with the kid stuff. It's like, the amount of people I've seen struggle to find

the right babysitter or daycare or whatever, and we've got the greatest one in the world, blank check. If you're watching this, I'm joking. I'm lying. I didn't mean it. But blank fucking check. Were you making the most babysitting? Babysitting, yeah. Yeah, because you find the right thing.

You find some rich people Or generous people And they got a bunch of kids And they don't really care And it's just Did you ever like Go on vacation Who just like didn't You didn't do shit

Yeah definitely Yeah yeah How old were the kids It was two boys They were They were like six and seven Or whatever And they

Like at first I was like really anal about it But then they would Kind of be like Then my other friend Started babysitting them, too, on the off days, so then it was this competition of, like,

who was a more chill babysitter. These kids are, like, smoking weed and drinking liquor. Jackie's here. Get out the brown liquor. DoorDash. Wow. I can't believe you heard that. My point was going to be, I was surprised.

I'm surprised when it's a cabbie or a doordash person because it's dangerous. Yeah, you're going to get fucking kidnapped. People fight male cabbies all the time. People fight male cabbies so often they put up a sign saying it's a federal offense to punch this person in the face. They had to remind you it's illegal to punch someone. Hashtag stop punching Uber drivers. It just like never occurred to me that it was dangerous for some reason.

I guess it is a little more dangerous to bring people into your car. You know what I mean? So you just had the food. But man, imagine that. Here's your food. Yoink. You're in the basement now. Jackie just dropping off your Chick-fil-A. And your parents are like, go do your thing, girl.

Crazy. Anyway, we're still halfway through our Like you just dropping off your Chick-fil-A? Yeah. And your parents are like, go do your thing, girl. Yeah. Crazy. Anyway, we're still halfway through our first time on the asshole. Pilot, yada, yada. Transferred base. She offered to let me live in her house and use her house as my address because she now spends so much time with her boyfriend that she's barely around. I would pay the bills, no rent, and I would put her on my flight benefits, fair trade.

Well, my girlfriend and I decided to try an online product. It's a honey that's supposed to have low doses of Viagra in it to, you know, with the eye emojis. No, I don't know. To get your fucking dick filled with blood so you can put it in her pussy. It's called male supplement honey. Well, I got it delivered to the house and then flew back to back for like two weeks and didn't make it home. Mid-trip, I get angry calls and texts from my family saying that my mom went to the hospital thinking she was having a heart attack or tachycardia.

I don't know how to say that. Tachycardia? Tachycardia. Tachycardia. Turns out my mom opened the mail ate the honey and was feeling the effects apparently i should have warned her about a box that had my name on it that was what was going to be coming was a perverted honey in it mom don't open the perverted honey uh even my dad is siding with my mom and i feel like i'm

taking crazy pills and i'm the asshole for not telling her i got viagra sent to the house two things i moved out of the house also my. I'm the asshole for not telling her I got Viagra sent to the house. Two things. I moved out of the house. Also, my mom went to the ER, but they discharged her. She got a little high blood pressure, and that was it. Viagra isn't fatal to women, and there's not enough in the honey. She just had a strong reaction. She's so over the top. She decided to admit herself.

She literally drove herself to the ER. I don't know. What don't you know? I don't know so like what don't you know I don't know why if I if you open up a box with my name on it

find something and then ingest it and you have a problem with it it is are you out of your fucking mind no I no no no

look there's the obvious here but like if this has been if this has been Viagra pills obviously not the asshole. If you're getting food shipped to the house, I'm a very much, I'm a communal guy. Food's in the house. Everybody's eating it.

I'm eating some food. I'm with you on that. Now, I wouldn't open someone else's package, and I did not grow up, I grew up in the very opposite of this kind of household where, you know, my mom's still to this day when I get barstool stuff sent to the house. It's clearly from barstool sports in a barstool bag. Chew it up. That's for dad.

I sent it. I don't fucking live there. Open it. And so it is not something I've ever experienced with, or have experience with. However, if you know you have that kind of mom who's going to be opening shit up, which he clearly did. True, true. You got to be like, hey, there's some food coming.

Don't eat it. It's almost like fucking like weed food well i was gonna say what it is but that that's all the more reason i think it's wrong because in this day and age you got gummies and snacks and shit that you know might be loaded with things like you shouldn't be eating anything that you don't know at least inspect the label the label or something or ask the person whose box it came in. Like, no, this is on you. You are responsible for your fucking body.

It's 100% on her. But also there's a part where I'd be like, hey, I have a package coming. Don't open it. I have a package coming. You don't even have to say what's in it. I have a package coming. Don't open it. Put it on my bed.

But you know when you've got a mom like that you now you've alerted her to the package that's what he that's i'm telling you that would be his answer he'd be like no because now i've drawn attention to it like it's one of those things where it's like you're probably she's listen she's probably gonna get in this box no matter what but at least give yourself a chance that maybe just maybe she leaves it alone if i tell her about it she's opening it and then she eats my fucking dick honey you know what to me that's a good fucking a good lesson you know what i mean like that's like that's a booby trap it's like well next time that's a that's a uh an arrested development lesson from jay weatherman you know That's why you don't eat people's dick, honey. Because you go to the hospital.

By the way, by the by, whoever company this is, I would definitely do some dick honey. I would definitely do like dick honey or dick syrup, dick anything. Dick butter. I'll do all this shit.

I'll do anything but get my dick electrocuted because I clearly pussied out on that. Yeah, that's do all this shit. I'll do anything but get my dick electrocuted because I clearly pussyed out on that. Yeah, that's fair. Could you imagine that like, you know, all right, it's time for like a big date and, you know, I'm putting this, I'm having, what do I dip? You know, I got some steak and I'm doing some steak sauce and it's also some boner sauce. And so now when I'm done and it's time to fuck, this whole meal, my dick's been getting hard. But it's also probably like fucking. whole meal, my dick's been getting hard. But it's also probably like fucking.

But this is like gas station pills. It's also like fucking, what do you call it? Fucking Mama Juana. Mama Juana. Mama Juana is like a Dominican rum type mixer. Right. It's what the Red Sox drank before. Supposed to have like an aphrodisiac or something. Before a comeback, yeah. And like I've drank it before. It's not like. Nox drank before the... Supposed to have like an aphrodisiac or something. Before it come back, yeah. And like I've drank

it before. It's not like... No, no, no. I want... I want... I want Viagra. I want Viagra-laced food products. Like, treat me like a dog and fucking crash up some Pfizer Viagra. Yes. Put it in the peanut butter. Put it into my yogurt and I'll fucking eat it up like that.

Yeah, put my dick pills in a Kong and let me just put my snout in there. Yeah. No, I mean, if they haven't done that yet, tell that bitch at the party next time. You know, forget about Wirtle. You know what the next thing is? Dick sauce. Dick sauces.

You mean lube? No, no, no, no, no. Dick sauce. By the way, you mentioned lube. I forgot to bring this up a couple episodes ago. It's got a major lube problem. Got a lube problem. And I don't know what to do about it.

I don't know what to do about it. Zach, what do I do about a lube problem? I've developed late in life somehow an allergy to lube. Which one? Like some regular ass water-based fucking like the normal shit not doing it based do it i've done it all man actually uh so wait no i might have not i might not have tried silicon yet but i feel like i have throughout my life but i maybe now since this thing so i got it i definitely got to try them all out and like experiment what happens when it

goes awry it's it's not really my dick so much as it's the boys. The boys, yeah. It's just like. The insagalos. A couple crustaceans on there, huh? My barnacles. A couple callus. No, it's just like it's itchy and red.

It's like a irritation. And, um, and so I went, this is like a couple of years ago and they gave me some like generic steroid cream. That's like for anything. It's like, it can, uh, you know, cure like fucking injuries and allergies, all that shit. And so usually if I run into this problem, I just use that. It's fine. Didn't have it. I was out, and I knew it, and I was at a crossroads where I was like, am I just going to fuck this person in the ass and then have a problem with my boss? Or, you know, or not. Like, am I going to say no to this, or am I just going to deal with this the next day? And in the moment, I was like, we're dealing with this the next day, bro.

And a bad decision i like how i like i'm like what a crazy idea that is where like there's been 10 million times in my life where i'm like we could not have a drink and have a fine day tomorrow yeah or like have one more ruin the day it's just like anything else yeah um so man let me tell you something there is i i've only done it probably twice in my life showing your dick to a doctor is the worst i hate that i i honestly don't know if a doctor's ever seen my penis really it's terrible came out the womb yeah but when i was like i i think the last time i i saw a dick, I was very nervous that he was going to get mad at me for shaving. So that's what age I was. That's how old I was the last time a doctor saw my dick.

Like a doctor would have been like, you're not supposed to do this. Let it naturally grow. You're 16 years old. You're not fucking – Right, right, right. We're going to be shaving this. Weird, weird feeling. Yeah, yeah.

But I get it. I get it i get it but i had like i i walk in and like the the like nurse if you will or whoever's like taking my notes or whatever thank god it was a guy and i was like i'm having a large reaction and he's like where and i was like uh my nuts i went with nuts i don't know why i wasn't gonna say testicles balls felt like i was like joking around too much i was like it's uh it's my nuts dude the tough it's a tough choice i think you went with I wasn't going to say testicles. Balls felt like I was joking around too much. I was like, it's my nuts, dude. It's a tough choice.

I think you went with a good one. It's playful, but whatever. And then the doctor comes in. And thankfully, he was tipped off to it. I think he said something like, so here we got a problem south of the border. He said something like that. And I was like, yeah. And then he's like – and I explained everything. I was like, I know exactly what's going on.

This happened to me before. I just need the same thing if you could renew this prescription. And he was like, sounds like you know exactly what's happening. But we should still take a look too. And I was like – And I'm like, okay. Oh, wait. The doctor's talking about the STD one.

Never mind. That's the last time. I was about to say, if you've ever had any STD problems, they want to look first. That's the last time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I know what's coming, and this is the worst. This is – I should have stopped this. Has he put a finger – no.

I was – I'm sitting on the chair, right? And I could have just been like, you know, like, get up, right? But he's like, let's take a look. And I was just like, and I'm going backwards for like third, what felt like 30 seconds. So you got to show my balls, got to show my balls.

And, uh, we get down there and I'm just like, are you in the stirrups? no no stirrups but that's what i did say i was like man you know chicks kind of like regularly do this shit that sucks and what's even worse for them because they're getting you know fucking probed and fisted and shit um but i was just like you know kind of like one eye open at him, just being like, just tell me. It's fine, right? Mortifying. But of course, he was like, well, why don't you stop using this product?

And I was like, I know, dude. It's not like I seek it out. And I'm like, let me get a fucking irritation on my junk today. It was a heat of the moment thing, dude. That's very funny. It's just on the fucking drip. Yeah, it's not the dick. drip yeah it's not the dick i guess it's different skin or something i don't know man it's a fucking catastrophe though i also kind of

forget about it like i wake up in the morning and i'm like oh fuck this is gonna be a shitty day itchy yeah it's just like itchy and like like when water hits it it's like i might be allergic to underpants that's just called everyday life for me bro um but yeah it's it is one of the you know what's funny too though i guess it was the first time anyone's ever like blatantly asked me but he was just he was he was basically like you fucking dudes or fucking girls and it just like threw me for a loop because i was explaining everything else and he was like men or women and i was like men or women what dude i was like oh oh yeah i had my gullet thing and that was the first

thing that happened to me with they're like they're like they're like are you performing oral sex and I was like yeah buddy yeah I'm fucking I fucking twist you around this room lady like a top, bitch. And she goes, and she's like, um, could he or she have STs? I was like,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

I'm not sucking any dick, pal. I know it was a throat injury, but it's not a bruise. It really is funny

because we're basically as gay as straight guys get. But when he was like men or women, I was like, excuse me, what?

And then when I realized, I was like, women, women, I was like, excuse me, what? And then when I realized, I was like, women, women. Can you see his hat? You think a guy would fuck me with this thing on?

You're a break. It's my final week in control of the YouTube channel for the Blade Bet. I got a thousand subscriber lead right now. It's time to step on the throat, step on Feidelberg's

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So explore options at ikonpass.com. It's ikonpass, I-K-O-N, pass.com. All right, moving on. Am I the asshole for not tying my girlfriend's shoelaces? Good question. Me, 24 male. Girlfriend, 24 female. Girlfriend broke her hand recently.

We had dinner with some friends on my... We had dinner with some of my friends last... Begin again. We had dinner with some of my friends last night. She insisted on wearing shoes with laces. I asked her how she planned on tying her shoelaces if they got untied. She said she'd make me tie them. I told her I wouldn't and that she'd end up breaking her other hand.

What? What does that mean? Is that like a threat? Yeah. You're going to end up with two broken hands. What do you tell a girl with two black eyes? You know that joke? I know.

I forget it. Nothing. You already told her twice. It was like back when it was just like funny to joke about domestic violence. Remember even hearing that joke as a kid being like, God damn. And now it's like, obviously, you can never tell that. I told her I wouldn't do it. She ended up bringing another hand.

I'm guessing she thought I was joking because her shoelaces did get untied when we were out with my friends. And she told me to tie them. I laughed in her face and told her to tie them herself. She stared at me angrily like I did something wrong by refusing to tie her stupid shoelaces that I warned her about. I avoided her for the rest of the night. I noticed her shoelaces were tied on the way home, so she probably made some poor guy tie them for her. She slept on the couch

last night and won't talk to me. Am I the asshole? Bro, you are undeniably the asshole. The biggest asshole we have ever come across in the world. It's pretty rare to be the asshole in Am I the Asshole? It's a pretty great accomplishment. Yeah, you're the asshole.

Yeah, bro, just tie your fucking handicapped girlfriend's sneakers. She's asking you to do a very menial task. It takes two fucking seconds. I mean, what's at the root of this is some dumb macho shit. You know that, right? Well, he doesn't want to get on his knee. Yes, he doesn't want to get on his knee. Yes, like he doesn't want to like bend down and tie her shoes. Dumb macho shit is also like back in the day, like not wanting to do that girly shit. It's also like that was the most macho shit.

Like you did that for your lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Being like a fucking chivalry. If you want to be like a macho man, fucking do that shit. Yeah, but also like, so, you know, it's like carrying your girl's purse. Like if you're out with a girl and she gives you her bag, what do you do? I hold it. He's fucking holding it, right?

I'm not going to throw it on. I'm going into traffic. Empty out all the contents. And then I put it in. What do you think this is, lady? You think I'm doing girl shit for you? No fucking thanks. Carry your own bed. You think you can start

a day in a little poof? You think I'm holding a purse? I find it difficult because I have my purse there. Where am I supposed to put this? I got my own purse. As long as you hold mine later.

When my feet are hurting later and I switch out of shoes you got to hold my purse too honey but like if your girl carried a backpack instead and at some point was like yo can you hold my backpack would you be like fucking no because you're encroaching on my masculinity it's like it's just a fucking leather thing with some straps on it. You can't hold it? What are you guys going to happen? You're going to be holding a purse and someone's going to commit a hate crime? Yo, man, I was holding my girl's purse and somebody fucked me in the ass. This guy ran right behind me, dick in the butt, because I had a purse on me.

It is. I mean, this is like crazy. Absolutely 100% breakup with this guy. Yeah, oh yeah. Like, it is. Like, she's asking you... But it's also like he wants to break up with her too. This is just like... Yeah, yeah. You just like don't like this person if you're not willing to help them when they're in need. You're not willing to tie their sneakers? Yeah.

Like, she's asking you to just wiggle some ropes around. It's not that she doesn't know how to tie. Right, she just can't. She's a broken hand. Yeah. Now, I will say this though i i do believe this all sounds like uh macho shit to me the way he's like reading this you know writing this if it was more like if i if it was me and i said something like yo the shoes that you wear are know, let's say she wears some like fucking fancy shoes or high, uh, like clog, whatever. You know what I mean? And I was like,

yo, those shoes always untie. And it's fucking stupid for you to wear a pair of shoes that untie when you have a broken hand. Cause what if I'm not around or what if something happens, like those shoes are gonna untie and you are in a position where you can't tie your shoes right now. So just don't wear those tonight. Put on like a pair of slip-ons or something like that if it's like an argument like that where it's just like yo i'm being logical and telling you that this is a bad idea because of circumstances and you're just gonna say no i'm gonna make you do it anyway it might be more of like a principle thing at that point like a deeper argument with the relationship you know what i mean even then if she's out in public with yes i'll tie him like but but i would do that but it would be a big time told you so yeah oh yeah yeah told you this was gonna happen

because it might be a deeper thing where it's just like every time i'd say you know like hey it's gonna rain so maybe you should wear this or you know we have to walk a long way so don't wear your high heels and every time she does and then i have to carry you or something like that i'll rub it in yeah yeah i'm to get my money's worth. I'll tie them fucking tight. And also, if we're talking about specific kind of shoes, if we're talking about a pair of lace-up

boots. Yeah, if it's to your knee or something. That's a different story. That's what I mean. It might be something. It seemed like he might have said sneakers, if I remember correctly. I think he just said shoes, but he was like, those stupid shoelaces. He just said shoes with laces which does make me think then because i think he would have just said sneakers you know what i mean shoes

with laces might imply that we're talking about some fancier shit maybe but i mean though like only unless like you only wear actually like to the club like right but that so that is what i mean like if if if this is like homegirl wanted to go out in the most laced up thing of all time and you were just like this is not the time to wear that you have a broken arm and she did it anyway i could see it being like you dumb fucking bitch i probably would tie them super super tight quadruple knot and then like she can't even get them off so she has to like sleep in them the next night to To a regular person, it doesn't bother you. To a regular person, it's completely acceptable and okay.

But to the relationship. If you're in an unhealthy relationship. Dude, I remember getting just fucking. I would. Like back in the day. I don't even think you need to say unhealthy relationship. It's just a relationship. Like if one of you guys asked me to tie your shoes, sure.

Your girlfriend does it to you, it's just like fucking scott. You motherfucker. I remember getting furious when she couldn't find her phone. Yeah, I know. your girlfriend does it to you it's just like fucking this guy you mother i'm really getting furious when she's like couldn't find her phone yeah i know and that yo that's like it's like not that big a deal i just that is the sign when you how can you not find your phone in your purse what are you talking about right when that happens doing that but like in my head that's what i was doing i think once you reach that point and that is that is a point, and I don't think it means that you have anger issues or whatever. When you reach a point where it's like they breathe the wrong way

and it bothers you, it's time to move on down. And you know what? You know what the sadness of it all is? It happens always. Yeah. It's just like you get married, you spend 40 years with someone, you're going to hate everything about them by the end. Because on year 20, you started to hate this,

and on year 30, you started to hate that on year 40. There's nothing left to hate. I hate all of it. I hate your shoes. I hate your hands. I hate your clothes. I hate your face. I hate your hair,

all of it. But once that happens, it's a wrap. So, um, a hundred percent, the asshole with a little star. That's like,

but I can, I can understand it. All right, let's get into voicemails today. They are brought to you by SiriusXM. Listen to the SXM app at home or anywhere you are. No car required. Stream it all on your phone, online, or at home.

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Offer details apply. All right, voicemails, what do we got? What's up, team? Mike here from St. Louis. Again, just got done listening to Tuesday's pod about, and the dude called him in to say, what's the stupidest thing your significant other has ever done or said in front of your parents? So I might win this one. So years ago, I was dating this girl

who was a financial investment banker or something along those lines. So hot, ridiculously hot. Way out kicked my coverage on this one. So stupid. Don't know how she was that stupid, but hella stupid. So, so headed over to my parents for dinner. My dad is definitely down with hot, stupid chicks because he's the homie.

Mom, not so much. Not so much. So behind the dinner table where she could see, there was this big map of the world that we used to have up there. Oh, no. And she was just staring at you could tell she was just something something was going on something was happening upstairs but not a whole lot and uh we all knew it my dad smiles at me waiting for her to say

something mom finally says to her alex do you uh do you have a question? Is there something you need? She's like, yeah, how many states are in Alaska? Swear to God. Swear to God. So, yeah. So that was definitely a great dinner after that. A lot of real intelligent conversations, you can imagine. But I don't know. Stuck with her because, well, she was hot as fuck.

And, you know, who cares, right? So I guess the question that I have is not only what is the stupidest thing, but how much stupidity would you put up with for, like, a hotness ratio? You know what I'm saying? I go back and forth on smartness. I feel like it's not

totally necessary. Like, I think if you're, like, you're good to me and you're, like, fun and, like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't think i think if you're like like you're good to me and you're like fun and like you know what i mean like i don't need you to fuck i need to maybe know that you know how many states are in alaska one but like wait what um but like i don't know like as a necessity like obviously it's an attractive like quality but like if you have, like, a loyal girl or guy, super nice, would die for you, does everything for you, but, like, also would be like, wait a minute, you know, how many fucking pennies are in a dollar or something? And it's just like.

The. I don't know. I've never dated a not smart person so So I can see myself getting very annoyed. Very quick. Because I am a corrector. I don't let you have it. Right. Which is crazy.

What? Because you just let everything else go. Yeah. I don't know why. Particularly if I'm in a relationship with someone. I'm like... I mean, because the relationship is the ultimate fucking armrest. Who's got the power here?

This is so wildly unhealthy. I will correct you at all times to make sure I keep the power. I'm not fighting about it. I'm like, well, that's just not right. If I know something's not right, I usually say something. If I'm positive something's not right, I'm like, well, that's not right. If I don't know, I will say I don't know. Like if you're dating someone and they say something stupid,

you can correct them in like a nice way, you know? I honestly think correcting someone in a nice way feels more condescending. Well, that's condescending, though. That's condescending but that's well that's well you know you were that's condescending though that's condescending i think if if you like you know you gotta do it privately you gotta do it quietly yeah i try i try to stop making a scene but like like if like we're just sitting at home like well you know that's wrong right like and then i've had it done to me a million times too so that's why i don't see you as an issue. I'm like, what are you talking about? Yeah, look, you're wrong.

I'm like, oh, fuck, alright. I only do it if I'm 100% right that I'm right. It's not like... When I do it, I'm batting a thousand on correcting people. So then, where do you draw the line of smarts then? I don't know. It's never been an issue for me. So i don't know i've never i guess it's never been an issue for me so i don't i i i don't think you know there's plenty of people who look at us and be like you're dumb oh i mean for

sure so like we're too dumb for some people you know so it's all relative where it's like oh you don't know like the theory of relativity i couldn't date you where for us it's like you didn't know you know how many states there are like that's that's our level you know what i mean yeah yeah okay well like what let's call it third grade yeah i was about to be like what but even that you know because if we were to do are you smarter than a fifth grader right now we get our asses kicked yeah so it's it's like what you know everybody has you know if it's honestly if there could be, there could have been a moment where I was at a party with a girl and I could have said, wait a minute, tortillas, tortilla chips. And everyone would have been like, that guy is too stupid to date.

You know, that's true. So like everybody has their own. Oh, mine was, uh, no, mine was, uh, no. Well, okay. It's more than everyone's rattling off. No, mine was... No. Well, okay. It's more than... Everyone's rattling off. No, but that is... It was dangerous. Yes, yes.

But that was, you know, that's not as bad. Openly saying, scarecrows, scarecrows. Yeah. That was wild. But I caught that fast. Yes, you caught it as it came out of your mouth. I think intelligence doesn't really matter, because I don't think...

I've met few intelligent people in my life. But, like, smarts are different. Can I leave you alone in the apartment and you're not going to stick a fork in the fucking socket? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, aptitude versus, like, street smarts and book smarts

and intelligence versus knowledge. I've run into, in my life, how many, like, intelligent people have you met? Well, wait. You walk away being like, that is a fucking intelligence. So I think of intelligent, like,

I think intelligent is when, you know, like knowing facts to me doesn't make you intelligent, you know? No. So you can sound smart as fuck if you like have just read books

and know things. Yeah, but there's- But intelligent is like, you know, you have brain power to like work through things and think through things and like you know different like i come from a different angle and like make me think different ways and shit like that it's like i honestly i can probably count on two hands like the amount of intelligent people i've seen yeah yeah yeah it's it's it's very very yeah i think everybody's

pretty much in the same like yeah we're all like here we're all alive yeah yeah we all went to school and we're alive right that's right well it's funny playing like the dozen because and the dozen is not something that like is that's kind of what i mean is like knowing shit versus if you're smart because some of these like the dozen questions for like especially the sports ones i'm like i have no fucking idea and and that's just like people knowing shit but then even sometimes if they're outside of sports it's like people will surprise you with with what they know but i don't know if i would be like that makes you smart you know no i wouldn't think so it's like you can be dumb but know stuff but then i think you could be smart and not know certain things you know what i mean and that's where you can get caught up in these

moments where you're like you say something silly and it's like what we sound like right now are two alcoholics convincing each other we're not alcoholics it's not crazy like well the amount we drink isn't that crazy plenty of people drink like this it's not like we're not stupid we're not dumb people we are we are smart we're like we're just listing off all the times we were dumb. Like, everyone does that. Everyone does that. We've all got our moments, man. The stupidest I've ever encountered.

Oh, there was. I mean, I hate to. Mine, it sounds mean to talk about, and maybe it's the states that brought it up, but it's on camera, so I can't pretend it didn't happen. Erin O'Lash. Thinking Massachusetts was in Montana? Thinking that she didn't know where Florida was.

Florida, yep. She thought that Massachusetts was in Montana, and she didn't know where Florida was. But... That's about as bad as it gets. But... She's the hottest hottest person ever walked the planet. So it doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't fucking matter.

But even, you know, like, why would geography matter? Why does geography matter in a relationship? It doesn't. It doesn't. If that girl knew everything else. Then it's like a bit of a glass shatter. yeah but like if it shouldn't but it does if if she was relatively like smart with everything else and was just like because again if you were to ask if you gave me a map of europe right now there'd be some people who live in like london

who'd be like this guy is retarded and it's like i'm not i just don't know anything about that and it's crazy that she didn't know America, but you know, you could be a fucking doctor and theoretically, like, I just, I don't know.

I forgot everything I ever learned about a map. Yeah. I know everything I need to know. Yeah. That's a fact. I know what I need to know. Right. But there's a lot of shit

you don't need to know, dude. I actually, that's, that's where, that's where my line would be. How they respond to it. That's what, what mattered to me most.

Oh, okay. So if you say, you dumb bitch, Alaska is just a state itself. There's no states within it. That's not how I'd say it. I'd say, you know you're wrong, right? I mean, you know. So what reaction do you want from her? She'd be like, I know what I need to know.

I don't give a shit. Yeah, so she big times you. You're in. She's like, oh, you know that? You loser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. Or if she just goes like...

How fun was it paying attention in high school? I looked like this. Right. I was busy having fun and getting fucked. Like, yeah. If someone was super hot and super dumb... If she believed me. Yes.

I'm just trying to find one I'm okay with. If someone was super hot and super dumb, and they were like, oh, okay, it's cool. I mean, I don't need to know those things because I'm better looking than you. I they were like oh okay it's cool i mean i don't need to know those things because i'm better looking than you i'd be like okay will you marry me will you marry me let's make babies you give the hotness i'll give the smartness and we're good to go you have fun on your podcast yeah right i'm gonna go i'm gonna go uh make money for nothing yeah how about that you dumb fucking ugly idiot? I'm going to go be a financial investor.

That's how hot I am. People give me their money. They made me a financial investor. I don't know what the states look like. Right. I remember one time a girl I was with said, my buddy came out of the ocean and was like, I got bit by a crab. He was like, what's on his foot?

He's like, look, I got bit. And she went, oh, I knew that. I knew that was out there. And he was like, what? And she was like, look, he's like, look, I got bit. And she went, Oh, I, I knew that. I knew he was like, that was out there. And he was like, what?

And she was like, I could smell it. I forgot. I could smell it from the ocean. One, one crab that bit him. I could smell it. Okay.

Thanks for the fucking warning then. Sounds good. And I can't remember another girl I dated, the things that she said, but routinely had like Jessica Simpson newlyweds moments like the chicken of the sea.

Yeah. I think she actually did do the tuna fish thing with me once and I was like I remember being like Nick Lachey Yeah, I was like that's what the show's about

and you're doing it right now. She was like, yeah, what? But yeah, listen everybody has their dumb moments and girls do it a lot so all i'm saying is just think long and hard about how smart you need a girl to be because guess what you're gonna find yourself weeding out a lot of people i'm looking at you because you're not doing your job

uh next up what's up kfc Everyone else. I got a quick hypothetical for you. If Usain Bolt and Joey Chestnut are doing a race and they have to eat one hot dog and then run 100 meters, who wins that race? I think it's Joey Chestnut by a mile. But let me know what you think. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think that when you watch the 100-meter dash, you win. I think he's probably right.

I think he's right. I think when you win by, like, a half a second, it's, like, a lot. You know what I mean? Like, it's a decent amount of space. Like, it's usually, like, you win by a tenth of a second, and that's, like, a full body. If you win by, like. Well, Usain Bolt is the one, though, where it's, like. Where there's a gap, right?

He, like, stops running. Yeah. He looks behind him. You guys are that far back? But most humans can... Most humans are going to finish a hundred yard... This is a great question. Most humans are going to finish a hundred yard dash

between like within 15 seconds, right? I would guess... What's Usain running in? Like 12? Like 10, I think. Like 10-5, let's say. Between 10 and 11. And I think Joey Chestnut could do that in like 15 seconds.

And he has to swallow the hot dog. That's what I... And I think it takes a normal human like a couple minutes to eat a hot dog. Not like minutes. Like, you know what I mean? You might take like 60 seconds to eat a hot dog. To chew and swallow and all that shit. And that's so much longer than it's going to take to run 100 meters.

I think you can take down a dog. And actually, by the way, as I'm saying this, it's probably like 20 seconds for a person to run like a normal person. Can we check this stuff out? How long does the average human run 100 meters? I mean, I'm thinking like... How far is 100 meters? It's like a football field.

100 meters and 100 yards are different things. I don't think so. I think they're both a meter and a yard so it's a quarter mile no no no it's a quarter of a quarter basically it's the one straight away on a quarter mile but I'm pretty sure meters and yards are basically the same thing

so it's like I'm just thinking about me running across a football field take a long time but me eating a hot dog I'd probably probably be like, oh, I'm choking. Hang on. Let me swallow. Let me take another bite. Like when I remember being like three, two, one, go.

And I like deep throated my first hot dog. And then I was like, oh, my God, I can't do that at all. And I needed to like spit it back up, start to chew it, finish it, chew it, like take another bite. Like I think it would take longer for a hot dog novice to eat a hot dog than a running novice to run 100 meters it's about 14 seconds it'll probably be probably a little longer but whatever uh you know so so let's say it's the other way around let's do it that way we both run 100 meters he gets there in 10 seconds. I get there in 15 seconds. Now we start

eating. I start to eat my hot dog. Five seconds later, Joey just comes and goes, I'm not going to eat a hot dog in five seconds, 10 seconds. It's basically like, put it this way. Give Usain Bolt a five second head start on Joey Chestnut eating a hot dog. Who's going to win?

And Joey Chestnut is in pretty good shape. Joey Chestnut's not so fucking... Yeah, I guess you do need to factor in that I would be like... I would be gassed as I finish, but he's going to do a hot dog in a heartbeat. How long do they have for this? A minute?

No, no, no. It's 10 minutes. Okay. So he's actually not moving as fast as i thought well i think this is like the very end isn't it yeah he's got like 30 seconds so we need like his first hot dog because i'm pretty sure it's like joint drink like kobayashi used to go like this he would put two in his hands and go like yeah and then he beat the bun and it's like you did two seconds two hot dogs in like 10 seconds so i i think if you're factoring in god this is if you're factoring in how tired you might be after the 100-meter dash, it might matter. Like, that might affect it for sure.

But it's basically – Oh, right. Look at that. It was like bite, bite, bite, bite, bite. Yeah, I mean, it's like putting it in a wood chipper, dude. It's crazy. It's like putting a hot dog in an incinerator. It is.

It is bananas. So, you know, like, I think it would need to be. Why is he fucking jerking off on the way in? Like, he's a little twist. He's a little fucking pepper shaker. Yeah. So I think it would need to be, like, Usain needs to run. Joey needs to run, like, a full lap or something.

And Usain's doing 100. It is just, like, what does that water spill down his hand yeah because he because he dips the buns in the water and everything it is gross oh what a horrifying sight yeah it's it's it's joey chestnut so do we talk about um but but fucking if all right so say say usain can do it he i mean he's doing it in two seconds there, right? Yeah. Say Usain can do it in six. But I don't. If Usain can do it in six, then he ties. No chance.

And there's no way he does it in six. No chance. No way. And, like, and, and. It's a great question. Unless Joey Chestnut tells you that in order to inhale them the way he does, like, he can't be out of breath. You know what I mean? Like maybe like if he's like,

but it was starting with a hot dog. It wasn't finishing with. Oh, then it's forget about it. Yeah. Then totally forget. If I, if I remember correctly,

right. It was started with a hot dog. Yeah. Starting with a dog. So is this, is this, are they racing Usain right now? I don't think there's actually,

Oh, here we go. Here we go. Oh, so this would be like an overlay of like people, like a regular person running it versus Usain. Cause again, if you beat someone in the 100 meters by like five seconds, it's like you doubled them up.

You know what I mean? Right. But again, you're not measuring eating hot dogs in a matter of single seconds. You know what I mean? That's really the difference there. But he's not running. Yeah, he's not running like he's i mean that's yeah yeah he's just jogging but so like you know one two three four five the fat guys are crossing at five yo but what happened right there by the way this is why i'm not doing foot races ever again you know how i have my my rule about i don't leave the ground anymore i'm

not doing foot races either too many people just fall I have my rule about I don't leave the ground anymore? I'm not doing foot races either. Too many people just fall right away. And I don't know when that starts in life, but I don't want to find out. I don't know if you have to be a certain fat, a certain weight, a certain age, but too many people go like one, two, three, go, and they just fall. And that is the most embarrassing thing that can fucking

happen. So, yeah, no. We could probably figure out, we need to figure out timing. We got to eat a hot dog as fast as we can. Which yeah, no, we could probably figure out, we need to figure out timing. We got to eat a hot dog as fast as we can. Which we've done before and we didn't do very well. Five seconds. For the average person? For the average person

to, we'll be behind you saying, yeah. And if it was like one, two, three, eat a hot dog, I'd be like bite, bite, bite. I'd be choking, chewing at five seconds. I'd be chewing my first ass. If he can run within his mouth. If he can start. How about this? If you fucking, yeah, bite. I'd be choking, chewing. I have five seconds. I'd be chewing my first half. If he can run within his mouth. If he can start. How about this?

If you fucking, yeah, if you have to cross the line with your mouth. That would be like a tie. Yeah, that would be, well, that would be a better race. That would be a better, more reasonable. I think if you can cross, if you cross the line with your mouth empty, I think Usain's got a shot. I would love, what's Usain doing now? Let's do these things.

Oh, Usain would do it. Dude, I've seen like... This is why we need a little more clout. We need this show to get a little bigger. Because we can just make these things happen. So last week, two weeks ago, Tom and Burt were talking about Burt doing his regular I can do anything.

He was like, I could fight Stylebender. It's like, how long do you think it'll last? It wasn't even like how long can I last? It was like, do you think I could beat him? Tom shows him clips and is like, are you out of your fucking mind? He was like, that's the last person you should have picked. All these guys

could beat you up, but maybe one of these other guys. Stylebender's the most fucking magical in the ring. And so Burt comes up with a mixed challenge like this, too. He was like, what if Israel has to drink with me the night before? Go shot for shot, drink for drink, deep into the night. Everything I do, he has to do. Then we wake up at 8 a.m. and fight with hangovers. Would I do, he has to do. Then we wake up at like 8am and fight with hangovers.

Would I have a shot then? Because I was like, that might be... No, because athletes don't get those hangovers. Athletes don't drink like that though. Bert might kill an athlete. Yeah, but I mean some... He might go to the hospital.

He's got to go fight somebody. But I still... With the gown on. And I he's got to go fight somebody. He's got to go in there like, but I still think with the fucking, with the gown on and I still would take style bender, but it was, it was a much, it was like when Bert thought of it, he was like,

Oh wait, here's what it is. Like you got to come into my arena. And then I come into yours. Um, but apparently the reason I said we got to get bigger is cause style bender just texted Tom and was like, let's do it.

Really? Or he was like, uh, I'll drink. Like he was like, let's just spar and I'll drink while we do it and I'll still fuck your boy up or whatever. So we need to get Usain running and eating hot dogs and shit.

That's crazy. Let's just do it. Last voicemail today is brought to you by Coinbase. This is something we've all been on for a minute now. Coinbase. Ever since Lou bullied me into it. Lou and Bitcoin Marty, they told us, here's how you buy crypto and you do it with Coinbase. Ever since Lou bullied me into it. Lou and Bitcoin Marty they told us, here's how you buy

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It's like the only option. And I think that's fake shit. I genuinely think that. Yeah, they're made by the same people. I completely agree with that. It's like the only option. And I think that's fake shit. I genuinely think that. The only one I think is legitimate enough that I'm like, okay, I would trust this is Coinbase. I have relatives who work heavy in this and they're like, Coinbase is the one. I mean, they got Super Bowl commercials, for God's sakes.

They're legitimate. You want to level up that financial portfolio, get into crypto and uh diversify in the future it's coinbase like we said it's just the only choice it's almost to me it's like kleenex and uh band-aid it's like the place you buy bitcoin is with coinbase forget all the other options go to coinbase.com slash kfc radio today you get ten dollars in free bitcoin which you know in in in in a few years could be worth a million dollars don't quote me on that but ten dollars with the bitcoin could one day be worth more than ten dollars it's always worth it's worth to take

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Next up. Hey, Kevin. Hi, especially the crew. So the other day I was at the dog park and I overheard this guy on the phone and he was like i don't care if he's a war criminal if putin came up to me i'd still fuck him and it got me thinking what's the worst thing that someone could do and you'd still have sex with them like would you have sex with a convicted murderer? Or what's the worst possible thing someone could do? So a girl said I'd fuck Putin?

He said a guy. Is he gay? That's usually his fucking guys. We're talking guys fucking guys. Do three great voices. Yeah, okay. Is Putin a thing in the homosexual community? You guys find Putin's daddy?

No. Let's say pre-war. Can you definitively say right now Putin is not daddy? No. Yes. Oh, well. Zelensky's the one that everyone wants to fuck. Yeah.

Yeah. That guy's stock is super rich. Zelensky doesn't even wear a suit to fucking Senate meetings. Yeah. That tweet's ridiculous. This dude is crazy. That's wild. He's complaining that he's not wearing a suit right now.

It was like, I understand that things are tough in the Ukraine right now, but could you maybe put on a suit when you meet with the United States Senate? Who said that? Peter Schiff. What a cock. He's gone back and forth with Dave's stuff. He's like some kind of finance guy. What an absolute cock.

For real. Look at Pippi Longstocking over here with the braids. Wow. Yeah, Peter Schiff. I understand times are hard, but doesn't the president of the Ukraine own a suit? I don't have much respect for current members of the U.S. Congress either, but I still wouldn't

address them wearing a t-shirt. I wouldn't want to disrespect the institution or the United States. Okay, dickhead. Suck a cunt. For real. 18,000 quote tweets right now. Good God, Peter. You are a complete asshole.

I can't believe you haven't deleted this tweet yet. And that's from another guy. Like another former national finance chair. He just said, good God, you're an asshole. That's what I love.

And then PFT, say what you want about Saddam Hussein, but at least the man knew how to accessorize. And then I like this. While we're at it, Gaddafi was a fashion icon. He's got all these fucking suits. He got these fits off. That's a fit. That is a fit. Tell you what fit tell you what say you want about

the guy if he shook my hand i'd fuck him somebody said it's only march sir but you have posted the dumbest thing i'll see all year on twitter peter schiff replied and you don't spend much time on twitter which is a valid reply but i don't know this one still might take the fucking cake has he replied to like any as he sent out another tweet about it? He's just eating it and pretending it's not fucking happening? What a cock. What a piece of shit. I mean, you know, classic

question. Would you fuck Casey Anthony? Yeah. Yeah, no problem. I... I'm more okay with murdering babies than I am with adults. Maybe that's something I shouldn't have said, but I did. And here we are. Just because I know, honestly, because what turns me off about it,

what turns me off about it is how violent you have to be be to murder an adult but it's so easy to murder a baby so you don't have to be like particularly violent to kill a baby there's logic behind this there's logic bro so the violence you have to physically exert turns you off more than like the sadistic brain you have to have you can forget about a baby and kill a baby. You can't forget about a baby and kill a person. You can just forget a baby and you kill the baby. That's not what she did.

No, it's not what she did. That's all it takes to kill a baby. Just forget the baby's there for a little while. I agree. That's bullshit. I said all the time, it's crazy. You birth a giraffe and within an hour you're living on your own. You birth a baby, you gotta take care of him for like 11 years you misplace a baby in a target for

20 minutes they're dead baby's probably dead you're catching a case you're catching involuntary manslaughter like to kill me in a room where you gotta work at it you gotta put in you're putting some fucking work to kill me all right and like that bloodshed and that but look what i'm saying how easy do you think it is to murder a baby? Don't talk about leaving the baby alone. Murder the baby. What are you going to do to it? How are you going to murder the baby? I'll probably go Casey on it.

Pop it in a bag. She threw it in a bag, right? That's what she did. That's just kind of like you forget about it. Bro, that's what they fucking used to do in olden times all the time. Yeah, just throw a baby. I mean, in China, they're still living. In China, they leave babies on mountainsides all the time.

I understand what I'm saying is horrible and grotesque. I'm also making sense. You're not making sense. You are making a point. Okay, okay. Like, it's not sense, but I can understand that's what you think. That is what John thinks. I do get that.

It does take more force to kill a grown adult. Honestly, it is really the violence more so than anything. Because, like, if you murdered an adult by poisoning them, more likely to have sex with you. Wait, what? If you murdered an adult and you just did it by poison, I'm more likely to have sex with you. Than if? Than if it was, like, you slit their throats or something. Yeah.

Yeah. I'd rather fuck a poisoner than a stabber. For sure. Yeah. What about a gun? Okay. I shoot a human. An adult, sorry.

I shoot an adult versus I shoot a baby. Because I think if you shoot a baby, it explodes. Shooting a baby, yeah. I think like you shoot a baby in the head with like a Colt.45. Yeah. It's pfft. Yeah, that's like going rooster hunting with a shotgun. You don't come home with nothing.

You don't got no meat left on those bones. Right. Right. Whereas if I shoot an adult, you know, an adult, it's like they're catching some spray bullets, but like. You think you're taking an AK chicken hunting and you're bringing any food home to the table? You're nuts. It's obliterating.

You're nuts. Yeah. It's just the chickens everywhere. Maybe you catch a feather or two. Yeah. The meat is gone. That's not going to sustain you through the night. That's. You're not eating that baby. No. You murder a baby with a shotgun. You're not it's obliterated it's just the chicken's everywhere maybe you catch a feather or two yeah the meat is gone you're not eating that baby no you murder a baby with a shotgun you're not eating that baby there is no baby left to cook if you shoot it with a shotgun let that be clear um the yeah no i'd rather i'd rather fuck someone who shot a human than shot a baby

right okay all right how about this we're focusing much too much on murder. There's like other things people can do. Like, is murder the worst? Murder's the big one. Would you rather fuck a murderer or a rapist? I'd rather fuck a murderer. I mean, again, we're coming down to violence here of it. Would you rather fuck a murderer or a rapist?

Probably a rapist. We might have to edit that out. Why? That's crazy. Why? We can talk about how I've been raped a bunch of times, but we can't talk about how I hypothetically fuck around? That's true. You might you're in the Me Too movement. I think I have carte blanche here. You do.

Like if Pabst told me that he like fought some dude and beat him to death, and that and then he also raped a girl, I'd be more upset about the raping than the beating to death sure but we're talking about who I'd fuck not what girls would fuck I'd assume Jackie would be a pretty

hard no on a rapist I like my chances a little more than Jackie should what about a girl okay okay how about this a girl? Okay, okay. How about this? A girl who's murdered someone or a girl who is in a sadistic serial killer couple

where she kidnaps people and orders the boyfriend to rape and kill them? Murder, for sure. Yeah, so murder is not the worst thing. No, I didn't say it was the worst thing. It was just worse than the other option. I think the worst thing you can do... I think the worst thing you can do is kill a baby.

I want that on the record, since my cohort here does not agree with that. I think the worst thing you can do is still be enforcing COVID mandates. You fucking murder someone, I'll bang you. You make me put a mask on? Go fuck out of here. Hillary Clinton can no longer get it. I don't even know what she has to do with anything. It's just the only female politician I can think of.

I don't think Hillary's in charge of fucking anything. That poor woman just stays catching spirits. Dude, she... That woman... Who do I need a woman to belittle? How about Hillary Clinton? That woman gave up her life just thinking, like, one day I'll be the first female president and got squashed by a clown.

By a literal joke. Like, she gave up her marriage, her life, her everything, her respect, her dignity, just to be like, okay, I'm going to swallow this because my time is coming and I will be the first female president. And then some dumb dickhead swooped in and was like, nope. That's crazy. And now she's old, dead meat that got shot with a fucking shotgun. There's no chicken. There's no meat on the bone. It's like she can't even come back.

Like it was just one term. It was just one term from that asshole and you had your one shot. Didn't work out. That sucks. All right. So let's get into our interviews. Two interviews. One, very pleasant and fun.

One, awkward and contentious as fuck. I think so. Well, the problem is we've made mention of this a couple times, so maybe speaking about it multiple times has like built it up more uh than it really was and and maybe when you just listen to things i feel like if you listen to this interview you probably wouldn't pick up on it if you watch it you'll probably see it more and i think if you were in the room you could like feel it was yeah it was uh but we we interviewed guys we fucked and i just don't think they like us. I think Christina does.

I think Christina tolerates us, might maybe like us. Corinne hates us. We've had good interviews with Christina, but I won. Corinne, from the first time I ever met her, I was like, that woman hates us. She hates us. Which is fine. Like poison. I don't give a fuck.

Right, right. So don't come in. Yeah, it's very clear that I think they don't like guys like us, and it's very clear that they think we stole their, Barstool stole their podcast for Alex Cooper. Which is the dumbest thing of all time. They say in this episode that

Barstool put out a fucking an advertisement an advertisement saying we're looking for our guys we fucked, which I assure you is not something that I hadn't heard of at the time and I'm sure it's not something not something that I hadn't heard of at the time. And I'm sure it's not something Dave or Gaz or anyone else. I think the only person in the company who knew about guys we fucked at that point was me. We don't put out any ads, and we would never put out an ad being like we're looking.

We checked it. We fact-checked this one. It didn't happen. Right. We know, like, the story behind Call Her Daddy was Gaz was an Instagram creeper. Found Alex Cooper and said, this girl has an it factor. Dave went and watched it and what sealed the deal was that she also knew how to do her own editing and she was the the filming

and the vlogging and all that dave was like she's more than just like a pretty pretty girl with the voice um so that was untrue but i so i actually got a question uh today on the radio it was like what's one interview you have regrets about? And this is the one because I wish I was like, that story is not true. But I didn't know it at the time. I was like, maybe we did do that. I said, I don't think that's true. Yeah, you said it. And I wish I had like really known that myself.

But we since fact-checked it. It's definitively not true. Yeah, because I would have loved to just be like, I know that you don't like – I have no problem with her not liking Alex Cooper and Call Her Daddy because whatever, I get it. Like they – you're jealous. Like I'm jealous of people who make fucking more money than me too. I have no problem with her not liking Alex Cooper and Call Her Daddy. Because, whatever, I get it. You're jealous. I'm jealous of people who make fucking more money than me, too.

But to then blame and hate Barstool because of that. It's like, listen, we don't even fucking like it either. We're on the same team. I have no problem with it. She was confused. We never met. What the fuck do you mean? I don't know.

It's a very content. It was not a fun interview. I think Christina tried to salvage it a few times. Yeah. But Corinne just clearly hates us. Corinne didn't look at it like, so okay, don't come to the fucking deuce anymore. That's what's confusing. It's not fun for us to talk to people who don't like us. So just fucking don't come.

Right. And it was like, at one point. We didn't request you. I promise you that. At one point, we're like, we're busting balls. You know what? She was treating me like the Alaska chick. At one point, we're talking about the globe and countries and shit,

and I was saying how, like, maps are not really, like, indicative of the size of countries for real and all this shit. And she was like, I don't like when people just spout out facts at Barstool. And I was like, okay, all right. This is clearly not working out. We were kind of making a joke but also kind of being serious. Like, yeah, we don't really know how big things are there are people who do

I brought up the flat earth thing and you were like oh here he goes again it was like a fun goofy stupid interview and it was like not reciprocated so I think you've heard the last of guys we fucked on cable probably both ways

yeah I think both ways. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think both ways. That's probably a... I hope so. Because I would have said that Corinne was never going to come on the podcast ever again after the first time we interviewed her like five years ago. Yeah. I would have been like, that chick hates us.

She's never coming on here again. Yeah. I guess you fucking come strutting through here with a fucking sourpuss on. Sits here for 45 minutes. I almost... And lies to me that she shrunk her audience on purpose. Interviews. Interviews brought to you by. Sure, yeah, yeah.

We all do it. Fucking fuck off. Everybody, you build your audience to shrink it 10 years later. We all know that. I let you have that one, all right? Right. But you didn't pull the wool over my eyes. I let you have it, person, because I'm nicer than you give me credit for being.

Right. Right. You think that we're all like barstool pigs? We could have been in that moment. Could have been a lot more awkward. Let me tell you what. It's all, bro. The awkwardness is all brought to you by laundry sauce, where, you know, we're going to pretend

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amber. Oh, so they did. I think they finally just gave us non-hockey. Okay. Yeah, because all these other things talked about pucks and wrenches. This gets my wrench hard being a regular ad read. Yeah, no, this is just... So I can just go back to normal. This is just laundry detergent, okay? And they've made it with quality

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nice detergents to go with it all. Scale up your laundry game by going to LaundrySauce.com and use promo code KFC for 10% off your next purchase. Not really good. A lot of garbage. No, I know. I was like, hmm, I'm fascinated. It quickly goes from set to storage. No, I know. I was like, hmm, I'm fascinated. It quickly goes from set to storage.

No, it's all set. Sometimes the set just is garbage. The WD-40. I know. I saw that he was here. We keep a lot of trash around. They clean it up a lot. They end up cleaning it, but we don't really like it.

We like living in the trash. It's essentially there. It's similar to the Are You Garbage set, which I think that's what you were going for. Their show's about garbage. Ours is just garbage. You guys just finished up with them? We did them a couple weeks ago.

What was the verdict? Garbage? Oh, garbage. I'm actually not a garbage fan. Was that the most open and shut thing ever? She's not white trash. That's like, guys, just move on to her. We know my answer here.

That's a great fucking tattoo. I used to go to NASCAR races. Are you a Philly girl? Yeah, I'm Philly of Virginia. Oh, that'd be crazy if you weren't from Philly. No, Oregon. I. Oh, that'd be crazy if you weren't from Philly. That would be crazy. Not Oregon. Why?

I just stopped there a lot. It's like birds. Road tripping. I love birds. And you were garbage. I'm actually one of the least garbage guests. Me, Sam Morrell. And who was the third one?

It was some other Jew. I was going to say, I didn't want to say it. I'm happy you did. Jews are not going to be garbage. But one of the most trashy people of all time is Roseanne, and she's Jewish. I'm Jewish, but I didn't know until a couple years ago. When you think of her, you don't think Jewish. You don't, but she is very Jewish.

That is true. But for the most part, your tribe is going to be very well put together. Astute. I'm not from money, though. And rich. No, but it's not even a money thing. It's just the way you carry yourself. It's also, I think, education-based.

Not that you're smart. Jews are smarter than everyone. No, we're just like, clip that. You have a long family history of going to college. Because a lot of people... Look at me and my college education. Mine is not. I know, this is barstool. I forgot we shit on education here.

Hey, John went to several colleges. Yeah, I went to... Education at Google. I've been to seven schools That's a red flag though Whoa that's too many Oh yeah I graduated from none of them Start what you finished

Most of them didn't ask me back Most of them broke up with me Wow It wasn't a I didn't leave under Pumping circumstance It was There was no ceremony for me

It was more like Hey Get the fuck out of here We don't think this is working out for you What do your parents think? You're fucking up our brand, man. I have my MBA. Okay.

In what? In finance. I mean, that's still good. It's totally useless, obviously. Yeah. The economy has changed so much since. That's so funny. I mean, it's just an absolute waste of time and money for me.

But whatever. That was before I went down this path. In what? In acting. Well, that's actually useful. I beat all y'all. I mean, it's a joke of a degree, but it's actually... 100%. Do you find that useful? Is that something you actually like to do? Yeah, actually. Yeah. I always wonder when you take classes,

I feel like the greats aren't taking classes or learning. Yes, they are! Robin Williams went to Juilliard. Oh my god, yes. Training, training. The greats train. Yale drama? Yeah, Jesus Christ. NYU? I guess I didn't think

of like Juilliard, but I feel like it's something like you either, you just do it. Either have it or you don't. No, this you have to train. That's what, I always thought that

until probably like, I would guess, I don't know, until we started having guests or so like 10 years ago when I started like reading Wikipedia pages. I was like,

all these motherfuckers went to college. Imagine being surprised reading a mathematician's Wikipedia like, you went to school for this? What the fuck? You're an expert in something? You trained for it? Wild. We just had Jake Johnson on. Jake went to Tisch.

That's bullshit. He's an actor? Oh, New Girl. Yeah, Tisch is no joke. Oh, New Girl. New Girl. And yeah. Yeah, Tish is no joke, man. They fucking, I had to do a wall sit. I had a panic attack in front of my acting class. And my acting teacher was like, just let it happen.

Just watch her. It's hell. Part of the process. Are you guys happy to be back out in the wild? Yes. I thought you were going to be happy. Are you happy to be back here? And I'm like, I guess. I missed you since we last saw each other.

Yeah, we couldn't stop thinking about you. Do you have the place that makes you make your own coffee? Oh, no, it's okay. I don't mind. I like that you were open about not knowing how to make it. Because I also, for a long time, I learned interning how to make coffee. Because I don't drink it really either. Was she asking for coffee and you were like, I don't know.

I walked by, I said hi, I was going to grab my snacks, which is my coffee. You are your own son. Yeah, these are really good junk gummi beers. If anyone wants one, I highly recommend it. Okay, I don't like, this made me barf. But I was walking by to get my morning pick-me-up, and I asked

if the girls wanted anything, and Christina was like, I'd love a coffee, And I played it very cool. You were like, yeah, I got you. I went in there. I saw like seven different kinds of K-Cups. I would not do that either. I knew how to put the K-Cup in, but I just didn't know what kind of coffee you drink. Oh, okay.

So I would have figured out how to put the K-Cup in. I would have been able to do that. I would have known what button to push. There were options of like French roasts. There's only one. Yeah, you just put it down. It's like foolproof. Yeah.

I'll challenge that. But it was. Then I kind of got awkward. I was like, am I going to stay in here while she makes the coffee? Yeah, that's weird. I'm like, let's be close. I think I stayed for a little while. Yeah.

I almost put the cake up in the air fryer. Yeah, she came in all cocky. She's like, I got this. I'm like, that's an air fryer. I knew it. I know the way to an air fryer. Yeah. While it cooked.

Yeah, and he just stared at me and he breathed. And I was like, ooh. Welcome to Barstool. You want to go eat your fruit snacks over there, buddy? Just throw your fruit snacks across the room and go over there. We work. That's how we do it usually. That's how he travels. usually. If you want to get rid of me,

you're like, hey, Johnny, go. How has it been since you're out after, did you like the

luminary experience? I guess you're still living with them, right? Yeah, it's just like a different contract. Yeah,

we loved it. Yeah, it's great. It's great. It turns out having your whole diary out there for the world to listen to at a

moment's notice, not good for your mental health. So is that really what made the move? Privacy was a big factor. It wasn't a business thing. It was more like... It was both. It was a good financial move, but it wasn't like an astronomical difference between what

we were making. So people are like, oh, you're going to lose a big part of your fan base. I'm like, yeah, that's the idea. That's the point. Really? Interesting. Yeah. Well, my mom could just... So it just got to be too much.

Yeah, my mom could just pick up the phone and listen to what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. That's not okay. I mean, but it was already, I mean, you've been doing it for so long, right? Yep. It was kind of too late, but whatever. I wasn't really thought of. Might as well be private these two years.

But airing your 20s and airing your 30s are very different things. That's true. Airing your 20s is like, who the fuck cares? Everybody's fucking around. Yeah, you can. He's got stories like that. It's acceptable to be a hot mess in your 20s and airing your 30s are very different things airing your 20s is like who the fuck cares everybody's fucking around yeah it's acceptable to be a hot mess in your 30s

you want to keep that close so you're just you're just keeping all your hot messness as a secret now well only if you're a little bit of a only to luminary subscribers

and we're in front of the paywall now so after seven days the episodes all go up in front of the paywall but we do two bonus episodes a month for luminary subscribers and that's where I tell all my secrets got it real niche audience I love it So after seven days, the episodes all go up in front of the paywall. But we do two bonus episodes a month for Luminary subscribers.

And that's where I tell all my secrets. Got it. Real niche audience. I love it. And I have secrets to tell. And I got to get them off my chest. What made the switch? Why did you go back outside the paywall?

Because our contract was two years. And so for the third one, we just had back and forth. And we're like, oh, let's try this structure out where we do ads after seven days. It was time, too, because for live touring, you really do need the audience back, so we're like, I guess we'll do it. And if you have a two-year break, a mental health break, that's good. It's the same approach as Bo Burnham

kind of just went off the face of the earth for five years. I mean, I would love to do that. Financially, I don't think I could do it for five years. I mean, I would love to do that financially. I don't think I could do it for five years. Five is pretty good. Is that how long he was gone for? Yeah. From,

was it make happy to inside? I don't know. He was, I mean, to be able to do that, that young is incredible. Yeah. I'm good.

He's a prodigy. My mom's got this shed back here. I'm all set. Yeah. Well, he kind of does. I don't like, that's kind of like,

you're jokingly saying his mom, but his like, a partner is like 12, 13 years older than him. So it like legit is a great. And they've been together for a really long time, too. Really? I actually didn't know that.

I thought like that was like where Inside was filmed. I thought that was like his parents shed, which I thought he was just staying there. Maybe he did. I think it's like his girlfriend. His mom's girlfriend. Probably. She's like a film director. She's like a really badass bitch.

Yeah. So you guys feel like you like got a reset? Like you're good mentally? No. Who's ever good mentally in New York? That's why I'm wondering because it doesn't seem like, I feel like if we were to do something similar, I don't think it would work. See, if I feel like, I'm scared

to do something similar because I'd realize how much better it is. I'd be like, I'm the fuck out of here. It depends how much you need attention. Well, that's the same with the manic waves. How much does it affect your personal life day to day being not behind a

paywall of any kind? Are people like, mini-man? Because it's invasive to us. People try to fuck the people we're fucking. And I'm like, nope, that's where I draw the line. Wait, people try to fuck the people you're fucking and I'm like nope that's where I draw the line wait people try to fuck the people you're fucking yeah because

because you talk about them yeah we'll have them on and then they'll they'll like show us his DMs and I'm like are you kidding me

these hoes these hoes got no loyalty that is fucked so fans of yours like people like you just being like I don't call them fans right

but they consider themselves a fan of yours but also just try to fuck the people you like it's a I don't call them fans. Right. But they consider themselves a fan of yours. Yes, they do. But also just try to fuck the people you like. It's a weird relationship. Those are Selena fans. Yeah. But that doesn't happen with dudes.

Because you like respect each other or whatever. I don't know about that. I don't think anyone's ever tried to. I've never had someone brag to me about like they've slept with someone I've slept with. I've never had someone like. That's low. That's low. Do you publicize those people though? Like I don't know how open. Yeah. No. The stakes. I've never had someone like. That's low. That's low. Do you publicize those people though?

Like I don't know how openly. Yeah. Because the stakes on this show are different. Yeah, that's very much to be a difference. You're not like, this is what happened to my dick this week. Right. You don't really say that. That's what?

Like you don't talk about your dicks on the show. Oh, I thought that's all we do. Oh, but like intimately though. Not like, oh, and I mushroom stamped my friend because he passed out. Like if I do an internet search, like can I find who you've dated right now uh you could definitely it's that it's one it's an autofill i don't know what the results are but uh the very first thing girlfriend yeah very first search for like all people at barstool is like your name and girlfriend or boyfriend and your name and salary wow i'm obsessed with trying to know who you're fucking and how much money we make.

Yeah. The results are insane. Like, what people have come up with is insane. Yeah, well, the net worth for any celebrity is always a joke online. We have a guy here,

Karabas' net worth is $79 million. Good for him. On the internet. He's about to be. But up until now, he's worth like 50 grand. Legit internet. He's about to be. But up until now he's worth like 50 grand. Legit.

Like not even one million. Still good. And he said 79 million. Wow. What the fuck is this about? And I think it was on Celebrity Not Worth. Yeah, that's not accurate.

Which is one of the ultimate websites that Google uses. That was such a great website. It was. Well, Google just like they just stopped making you go to the website to find the answer. Yeah, just right up. It just pops up right there. 79 million. I mean, it's how you website. It was. Well, Google just like, they just stopped making you go to the website to find the answer.

Yeah, just right up. It just pops up right there. I mean, it's how you kill mom and pop, but it's just smart for Google. Nice. I think the obsession people have with, it's like, I mean, at least me and him, because some people have aliases and characters and all that kind of shit but we put like 99 of our lives out there and it's like can we just have the one percent yeah and it's like no no we want to know everything the more you give the more people want yeah but there's no you ever said anything you regretted

that's like the biggest one um i mean, mine are more like jokes gone wrong and things that end up sounding stupid. I don't think I have anything from my personal life that... I regret nothing specific but putting my whole life out there. Yeah, right? I was like, when I was... Same, man. It's fucked up.

When I had kids, I was putting pictures of them and I'd talk about them because I just talked about my whole life and then this got way bigger than I ever imagined and I was like, well, now I can't put that back in. Yeah, right. So it's kind of like you only have one shot to do it either publicly or privately and I wish I did it private

and then you can release more. You can't start back over. That's true. What's yours? Because you seem like you had one. Oh, I have a bunch. I think at the beginning, I was just, when I had a boyfriend at the time i was like yeah he likes when i lick his asshole and then my boyfriend was like that's mean to say like you didn't ask me about that we got into a couple big fights uh that's always a big one yeah i've had those fights where i like i don't i don't name names and something like that but but I tell a past story.

Right. And then you're like, what the fuck are you doing talking? I'm like, well, it's my story too. Well, it's your story. Yeah, sure. If you wanted to be remembered better, you should have behaved better. It's fine.

Yeah. And now it's got, like I'm dating now and I'm more private about it because I'm like, I'm going to say that for me. Yeah, I think there was a time where I wasn't really sympathetic to it where I was kind of like, it's my story or like, I really never told very specific things.

I was like, these are things that every relationship goes through. Every guy and girl experiences this. So like nobody cares or like that's what makes it relatable because they went through it too. But they were like, I don't care.

I don't want that out there, you know? And at the time I was kind of like, well, this is like what I have to do and how I do things. I think there was also more pressure when I was younger to be like, be entertaining, be captivating, be interesting. I was a fucking blabbermouth in my 20s. Yeah. So I was like, let me tell like, you know, I'm going to say the things that other people don't say because that's, you know, what people want to hear.

And now I'm like, now that I'm a little more established and I don't have to like fucking, you know, dance for the, for the crowd. You know what I mean? I can keep a couple of things more to myself. It's just a totally different approach to it, you know? Yeah. Yeah. It's more fun. I like saying you sold out. Yeah. Yeah. I'm always looking to sell out, man. Like if the right deal came along to do the paywall thing, like let's fucking go. I would be interested to see. That was a nice way of calling us sell out. But no i mean i think it's the opposite of a sellout okay i drive a mustang

knowing that you were that it was more mental health like i figured it was just a business decision yeah it was both but um yeah because i would love to fucking sell out yeah an offer to anybody yeah no i was like I was at my breaking point I was like I don't know if I can do this anymore and then that offer came around like just at the right time

so did you see cause like I also feel like we just do this in front of a mic and sometimes I like forget how many people are listening

yeah sure feedback rolls in yeah so like do you see a difference in the feedback and in the yes when you make

people pay it's only the people who really want to be there yeah and pay it's only the people who really like you yeah and honestly if someone paid to hate listen i would respect that so much right right because that's a level of hate that it's like wow i'm taking up so much of your head space great do it yeah i do i i i forget about that often because so many of the people that we have come through here all the, everybody has a Patreon and everybody has this like, you have this very

tangible number almost of like look how much people love us. I think it's almost the exact opposite for us. That's better though. Fuck numbers. You know how many people watch your videos and stuff. Right, but I mean the feedback is

people are so much more inclined to leave negative feedback than positive feedback. Yes, yeah. But when you have something like a Patreon or a Paywall. Yeah, no one's going there and being like, fuck your mother. We did that recently. We ran a little experiment where Kevin was out for the week or he was doing something and that's why I was doing ads. Which very rarely – like we don't take vacation rides so it's like a weird thing if one of us are out. Right.

And I was like as I was doing the ads I was just like hey Kevin's not here so Kevin can't hear me saying this so like everyone go tweet Kevin that like you can't believe he said that on this episode and he's gonna get cancelled and he woke up with like hundreds of tweets. In that phone chat.

That's dramatic. The first three were really good too. One was like, yo dude, that was weird. And I was kind of like, I don't know what that means. And the next one was like, I can't believe you said that. And the next one was like, I'm a big fan of yours, but you need to think about what you say into a microphone. And I was like, what?

Also because I was away, we recorded a week earlier, which is something we also don't do very often. So I totally forgot what we had talked about. I was like, what the fuck? And then the thing was there was so, so, so many that I picked up what was going on. Because if there was only like 10

I probably would have been like, oh shit, oh shit. But there was like literally hundreds. Then the next episode comes out later, the same week, our second episode. I'm still not there. And he does the opposite. He goes, tweet. Great apology, man. No, just be like, you're a great guy.

We love you. Like four people did it. Gotcha. Like, no, buddy. Because that was not fun. Exactly. I don't even blame people for it, but I was like, this is a very,

very tangible example of how the internet is a horrible place. How you're all assholes and I'm right there with you. It was literally, I gave you two options. Mental torture

or like make a guy wake up in the morning and smile. Feel good. And you were like, torture! I mean, that is crazy. I've never seen a better example

of just like, oh, you're all shit bags every last morning. So are you getting back, oh, you're all shitbag. Every last one of you. So are you getting back out to, you're going to do like more live shit though? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, I'm going back in the road.

I'm writing all new stuff. When you do a special and you put it out, because we've been doing stand-up for 10 years, so it was nice to finally like never say that material. Some of the stuff was newer, so I'm going to like expand on it, but it's been really fun to dive in and write new stuff. Purposefully. Sit down at a desk with fucking note cards everywhere and be like, what's fucked up about the world? Because it's a lot.

I feel like everybody, there's so much live podcast, live everything. And even the stand-up comedy world has gone skyrocketing, I feel like. Because there's so many more people and everybody can have an audience. I like it's the that is the thing everybody can't have an audience you're not wrong yeah i mean but after the pandemic though they and i was kind of hoping this was going to happen the clubs are packed and the energy is really high it's a cool place to be

yeah i feel like it's a almost like another little like golden era for live it feels like it yeah yeah i mean comedy is hot right now it's a good time little golden era for live and comedy. It feels like it, yeah. Yeah, I mean, comedy's hot right now. It's a good time to be a comedian. Despite how much people complain about being a comedian. You can't say anything in comedy anymore. Well, that's why people are not complaining about the fan base. People are complaining about people who aren't fans, who aren't giving money.

Because that's who's complaining. It's not comedy fans who are complaining. It's people outside of comedy who are complaining. You don't consume comedy and who are holding them higher standards. complaining. It's not comedy fans who are complaining. It's people outside of comedy who are complaining. You don't consume comedy and you don't do comedy. Why are you even talking about it? Shut the fuck up.

Yeah. Just go live your unfunny life. Yeah. It's fine. No one's forcing you. I do feel though that like we, and as,

we're not comics, but as podcasters and all that, we talk about it so much that it's like about cancel culture yeah yeah no i mean everyone's also sick of yeah hearing about it talking about it but it's like it's like in the news now like it's in every part of life right well and it's also 2022's version of like like what's been happening since history of just like oh she's a witch hang her

like it's just like what the fuck yeah Yeah, and then you feel better about yourself because Bridget Bishop died because she was a whore. And then you're like, eh. That didn't do anything. I said recently, I don't think we talk about the Salem Witch Trials nearly enough. That's something you just said the other day.

It was already going crazy. It was probably like a year ago. I was watching WandaVision and there's an episode that starts off and I was like, we don't talk about this. This was really fucked up, man. We did you guys pretty dirty on that one, huh?

That's why we filmed the comedy special in Salem. We went to Salem and filmed at the Witch City Mall in this movie theater. I think that's the problem with it. Maybe it's because it became Because I think people can't, maybe it's because it became a fiction, people can't wrap their minds

about it being real. But it's like, oh no, it's a horror story. Well, yes, it's both, but it's real. It happened in a town in Massachusetts. They just fucking lit people up. I mean, there's so many things throughout history that people don't think about. I mean, the things they use to kill people

in the Saw movies are real torture devices from the Spanish Inquisition. This stuff has happened throughout history. Just no one learns from history. You forget. I've always said that. I think that if you don't learn history, it's doomed to repeat itself. I think wrong. I wouldn't even know to do it. I would have

no idea to own a person. I would never come up with that idea. If I had ever heard of slavery, we did what? My mind would not come up with that idea. You know what I just bought? I just bought a globe. A person? No, a globe.

I purchased an educational globe. And I just fucking stare at it. I'm like, there's a lot of shit on this globe that I don't even know how to pronounce. I didn't know what was there. I'm just like, what the fuck? Russia and China? Way closer together than I thought. Way closer together.

I remember someone said one of that three months, like, Russia's in Asia. I was like, what are you talking about? You are the dumbest person alive. It does sound like a dumb thing to say, but it's true if you had a globe. No. Having the whole world there, it's wild. You know what else is in Asia? Israel.

Israel's in Asia? That's fucked. Yeah, that one. Like, I knew Russia was in Asia. I would never in a million years. So wait. So it's the middle of Asia? Yeah. That's fucked? Yeah, that one, like I knew Russia was in Asia. I would never in a million years. So wait, so it's the Middle East

is in Asia? What? So the Middle East is in Asia? I'm going to stop talking because I haven't been looking at the globe for that long. I remember when I learned

that Egypt was in Africa. That fucked me up. That fucked me up. I never knew. That fucked me up. Why did it fuck you up? Meaning I just was like, this is something.

Where did you think it was? I just thought it was in the Middle East and that was just its own thing that's how crazy that is yeah that makes sense and like

Europe is tiny as shit yeah Europe's really tiny Europe's tiny as shit and you're like there's some of these little bitch ass countries you little conqueror and I'm like

little short people just fucking excuse me they needed guns it's the only way they could feel powerful but you learn so much and you're looking at this globe and you're like holy shit they needed guns it's the only way they could feel powerful but you learn so much

you're looking at this globe and you're like holy shit you know what else fucks me up when you see like how the the world

like cause globes are like kind of distorted actually so there's a lot of globes that fucking make Europe bigger than like Africa and I'm like

are you kidding me yes when you see the actual sizes, it's bullshit. That's true too. It's like, oh, this is real tiny. Yeah, that's why I wanted an educational globe that was full scale. But I'm like, I guess there's really no way to know if the globe is accurate.

You just gotta believe. See, this is my flat earth thing, where it's just like, what? That I don't know. I knew you were gonna do it. I knew I was, as soon as you brought up clothes. There's definitely a way to know how big countries are. I follow as they're not fun. 2022.

What do you say? I love Barstool because you guys will just say things confidently and everyone will be like, yeah, yeah, that's true. What are you talking about? I would just say the majority of things that I know have just been told to me. Okay. That's different than we don't know how big countries are. I didn't say that. You said that.

Flat Earth. Well, I follow a lot of astronauts on Instagram that are in space right now, and it's not flat. Yeah, we also know the world's not flat. Right. That's been confirmed. The whole thing with the flat Earth is is always like you uh you know you you're just you're just looking at a picture that someone showed you or you're just listening to a a person who told you that yeah right it's obviously silly but all like all my education

it's not like i go out there and do my own fucking research on things i'm not you know testing anything why would i did all that i'm not fucking gay when people like do your own research, I'm like, no. It's impossible to do your own research. What are you guys out here doing your own experiments on the vaccine? That's not your own research, though. Going to libraries and getting new books. You're just reading the books that someone wrote.

And you're taking notes and you're logging them. I don't think that's research. I think that's a book report. A book report is research that's not research though that's why it has a bibliography when you read scientific papers talk about like when we were writing a book

Corinne was looking through all these scientific studies and papers like that's research yeah but what if that person's wrong well it says it on the study the results of the study and then you look at all the studies it's right based on that study and the thing is you can totally find a million studies on? It's right based on that study. You're right. And the thing is,

you can totally find a study to back basically anything that you want up and that's also a problem. Which is where, that's why we're in this, you know, this world right now is basically that.

Right. It's whatever truth you want is what you get. I feel like you hate being here. I don't hate being here. You know what? I just can't say. I can't sit by

when people are saying wild things and being like, yup, yup, yup, yup. The office does smell like balls. Woo. I smell testicles. It's very hot in here. It's super hot.

Something's wrong with the AC. Well, it's also like 61 degrees today, and it's been like 30 degrees. Do you guys powder your balls? Great question. Wow, really? I used to a lot more. Not like every day. I used to like, when I was in high school, I did it to hot.

It does feel like something you do as a young kid. Oh, really? Yeah. Does it help? wow really I used to a lot more not like everyday I used to like when I was in high school I did it to class it does feel like something you do as a young kid oh really does it help high school it was a big big thing

yeah it's powder bro it was it does do your own research powder keeps you dry it was like I think it was like in high school

like locker rooms and stuff like that you do it more where you kind of like because now if I do it well now it's a fucking powder yeah that's right it's a production it's a whole thing it's a whole thing i do it at the high school locker like fucking whatever who gives a shit but now then the janitor will clean up your ball powder yeah that's the way it should be he was a pedophile so

he licked it off the floor he's around saying go around saying this. He'd go up to mostly the guys. Well, I don't know if he ever fucked anyone, but he'd do this a lot. He's inappropriate at worst. At best, sorry. And he would go like this. And, of course, my pockets are brown rather than white, so it doesn't. Well, it's a brown bunny. He'd go, hey, who wants to come kiss the bunny on the nose?

What? That's a pedophile. Wait, how old were you? That's not even smooth for a pedophile. Like, think of a better line. How many times did you kiss the bunny on the nose? Every time I picked up the powder. But yeah, so yeah,

I didn't mind making him pick up the powder. And now I don't powder my balls as much. Ew, I'm sorry. I think you were sexually harassed. Oh, it is. Were you guys ever like, did pedophiles ever try to pick you up as little boys? Yeah. I mean, this guy's got stories for fucking days.

What? What is it about you specifically? His smile. That smile. He was a hot little boy. It was. You know what? Well, that picture was, I guess, high school.

Which one? The most recent one. A little redheaded boy. That could be cute. A little ginger boy. No, it was a little toe head. I was like, oh, I know. What's a toe head?

Like very blonde. Oh. As a kid. I've never heard of that. I didn't. I never had either. I was like, you were a teen? Someone saw a picture of me recently.

Yeah, this. That's like, I'm not a pedophile. You can't be a pedophile and be a daddy. I mean, young. You can't have a beard. He was in the library doing research. Oh. So he's just got that

That's like a he-bophile. Yeah. That just herring douche bag. Somebody goes for the early teens. Yeah. No. When I was a kid

I was cute. That kid's an asshole. He was cute. He's quite cute. He's an asshole too. But yeah. There was there were

it comes up more often than I'd like to be honest. How often have you been molested and stuff? How many times? Got a punch card? I don't know the answer. I would say five.

I would have said zero. I would still say zero. In my heart of hearts, I'd still say zero. You blacked it out? No, he's just like, that doesn't count. My babysitter made me watch porn together with her. What? That's fucking assault.

That's crazy. That's wild. Oh my God. There was something about you. You had a lord. My teacher touched me. He's like, that's fucking assault.

My teacher used to always give me massages. What? That's assault, brother. Yeah. That's assault. That was in middle school. I was trying to get my teacher

to assault me. He was like, nope. And I'm like, where are you from? I'm from Massachusetts right outside Salem. There was the man

who used to come and wanted to play catch with you. My t-ball coach, yeah. To the point my dad had to fight him. As a t-ball. Everyone's trying to fuck you. Imagine outside of t-ball practice, which is like when they're five and you're not even really playing, showing up at someone's house and being like, you know, we need to work on more things.

And his mom was like, go ahead. And then his dad shows up home from work and was like, what the fuck are you doing here playing catch with my son? Like, get the fuck out of here.

Did he touch you though? No. No, that's what we also don't know. That's what I think he did last night. Did he take you to the shed? Yeah.

Of a pedophile. He appeared from the forest. To the forest. We go from the woods. I mean, you don't play t-ball in the woods. You molest in the woods. Yeah, like he definitely-ball in the woods. You molest in the woods. You undressed and molest.

When was the last time anyone ever said, let's go play baseball? Let's go to the woods. Let's go where there's trees in the way. Blockades. You have to throw and hit things, but we'll do it where there's- Nowhere to run. Where there's dry ass upper bushes. Don't bring shoes either.

You don't need shoes. I want you to get away too quick. Leave your pants. Leave your pants at home. It's fine. Kiss the bunny on the nose in the forest. But he was like, he was like morbidly obese. He had a ponytail.

He walked with a cane. Like he was a caricature of like a nefarious character to children. He looked like something out of, I can't think of, what was the fucking, what's the horror? He's like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He's like the child catcher the child catcher yeah

they didn't really try to do a lot of nicknames that is the scariest character of all time for sure no doubt what did I recently see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

oh in Belfast and I remember that that guy that was nightmares for life yeah yeah I kinda liked it I was like

oh he's creepy in a fun way on the next episode it has to be fucked is there beef I kind of liked it. I was like, oh, he's creepy in a fun way. On the next episode of Guys Be Fucked, is there beef? I feel like there was some shots taken at Girls Gotta Eat. Girls Gotta Eat, yeah. No, wrong one. Wrong one?

Call her daddy. Yeah, the one that was birthed here, guys. Yeah. Remember when you guys did Guys Be Fucked at Barstool? Remember that? You were like, we have an idea. We're gonna do guys be fucked, but with hotter people. And we're like, ah, you got us. You'll never notice. That's real smart.

Fuck. Good call. Did you see the clip of Sophia with an F on No. She was on someone else's podcast, and she is like, I mean, like, what did I get cancelled for? Because I didn't want to work at no i mean you know it cancels alex just threw under the bus because they got in a fight

right uh and she's like what did i get canceled for because i i you know i didn't want to work at that horrible company and because i wanted to make a business decision like what did i get canceled for like you what did you get canceled for and the other girl i think it's her podcast she's like well i robbed I robbed Orlando Bloom's house, so, you know, it was kind of justified. cool.

It was the best twist ending I've ever fucking seen in my life. That's amazing. It was justified. She robbed him? I think she was part of the ring, the bling ring. Holy shit,

a girl robber? That's dope. Nice. You don't know about the bling ring? No, I mean, I know that was a movie, but that,

they were robbing houses in Hollywood. Shit. There was a whole network of it. Using those titties for good. Robinhood. Nice. That's awesome. We had Brian Austin Green in here years ago, and he was a victim of the bling ring.

Oh, really? He was a victim of Megan Fox, and he was telling a story that it was, they didn't realize, it's not how much money they had. They didn't realize they'd been robbed of his like 12 Rolexes for months. They had a party in their house though. What fucking famous person does that? I thought you don't know. It was just like they,

these people I think knew when, you know, everyone was out of town or whatever. Oh shit. They would slide in and they robbed. The only reason they found out is because Brian Austin Green also had a gun like in his safe and they stole the gun and then they used the gun and then the cops found it in another because it was registered to him.

They were like, you committed this crime. He was like, that wasn't me. So he looked through and he was like, oh, and my Rolex and my this and my that. But if that didn't happen, he probably would have never even realized. Damn, that is racist. He connected to it. I remember coming home one day and one of our iPads was in the driveway,

and I thought that was weird. And that was just it. I think it was an iPad or a Palm Pilot, whatever it happened, whatever the technology at the time was. He's like, I thought that was weird. It must have been the night before that they robbed everything. Wow. But I didn't come out of someone's house with so many technology goods that you just drop

and stuff. Don't bother. And those are the people that got away with it for a long ass time. Right. Well, they do have tours where like, this is where this person lives and this person lives here. Talk about no privacy. Right.

Nothing. I think they would use social media too, right? To know when they were out at like fucking events. Because everybody posts that they're out of the house. No, it is wild. Like I always say, like if anyone wants to murder me, they always know where I am. And somebody tried. Yeah, that's true.

The NYPD terrorism music. Yeah, yeah yeah it was actually a pretty big investigation yeah the terrorism unit was involved holy shit somebody threatened to behead her and i was like i showed up one time on a show at my show and there was eight squad cars there and i was like oh lol what happened and then they were like these are for you and i'm like everyone always wants to kill no no well i knew that there was a threat against my life but it was online so like I don't take that

super seriously like I did get a bunch of calls and stuff that day but like he publicly posted it and he knew it's also like this is not the first time

someone's made a death threat unfortunately it's like so I don't know no one's ever wanted to kill me like when a death

threat is spelled wrong it's kind of like loser yeah death threat spelled wrong yeah it's kind of

like okay like I don't think you're gonna be able to do this that's a guy that's got nothing to lose though can't spell

yeah and so yeah and so I had like a private investigator I had an armed guard assigned to me for a couple days yeah and did they

they caught him or what they didn't catch him I mean they found him there was another threat somebody else had reported him for violence for threatening someone's life.

And he's just out and about in New York City. Wacko. That's such a weird thing. It's gotta be so awkward. Almost like a much more dangerous version of like, do I stand around you

while you make the coffee? Where it's like, it's like, all right, how many more days am I going to stand here for? Like, it seems like

he hasn't done it in four. So, is it awkward if I leave now? If you don't actually behead someone within a week, it's kind of a false alarm. Like,

how did he say goodbye? How did they say like, all right, we're going to take this guard away from you and we haven't caught the guy by the way. Yeah,

I mean, that's weird. You still got your head, so go now. This guy had been threatening other people and the only reason they even took it

seriously with me was because they go, well, you're like a known person. And I go, oh, so if we kill unknown people. The normies can get their heads chopped off. It's okay. He had so many even more threatening letters that he had written to other colleagues

of mine who just didn't have a social media following. And I was like, guys, you understand how bad this is? She's verified. What the police officer said that to me and I admired his honesty you know, a social media following. And I was like, guys, you understand how bad this is? She's verified. So, you know. Basically. It's exactly it. One of the police officers said that to me. And I, like, I admired his honesty.

But then I was, like, shocked and appalled by the truth. I mean, I guess there's probably something to, like. No, I guess there's really no way to justify that. I was going to say that it might be more dangerous for you because they can be like, I'm going to get you at the club. I know where you're going to be. But if you, you know. You can just find out where somebody lives and follow them. To me, I think it's only just

higher stakes loss for the police department because more people will know that they didn't protect... They just didn't protect someone who other people give a shit about. And it just stopped? I mean, for now... That's scary.

Until this podcast comes out, he's like, she's still thinking about it. He's like, I'd almost rather have you be murdered. And then we would know, case closed. I feel like it's almost like in the horror movie, like when the killer, like you see the killer and then you close the door, you open the door and the killer's gone. Yeah. Well, now I don't know where you are. Yeah, Michael Myers is lurking. Yeah.

I'd rather just keep sending me the threats. So at least I know you're still on Twitter now I don't know where you are. Yeah, Michael Myers is lurking. I'd rather just keep sending me the threats so at least I know you're still on Twitter and still being an asshole but you're not. What weapons can you carry in the city legally?

I found a switchblade in Uber and I was like, I'm taking this. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, but I'm like, is that legal? I don't think that's legal. Switchblades I think

are illegal. Yeah, illegal? I think it's like a knife that short blades. And there's like a size. But I think switchblades are like the way they unfold.

It is badass, though. Oh, my God. Do you like sit at home playing with it? Yeah, I'm like, gotcha. You were going to job your fingers off. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Sitting by my globe like, who's going to fucking Switchblade me?

Which country's getting the next stab at it? But wait, back to Call Her Daddy. Have you guys ever interacted? Did you ever like work with her? Yeah, I've texted and called with Sophia and then I was supposed to meet up with her in Salt Lake City and she ghosted me and then went on another podcast.

And I was like, okay, that's fine. But we did a parody of them and it was good. It was fun. They're fun characters to play. It's hilarious. We weirdly don't know anything about them. I don't think I've ever met them. Oh, really? You never met them? I mean, they... them. I don't think I've ever met them. Oh, really?

You never met them? Wow. I've maybe been in the same room with them maybe once. Wow. I thought you guys are like a community. They wanted zero. My favorite was when they had their breakup, but then Alex stayed. Dave wrote a company email

just kind of explaining things and being like but Alex is going to stay and she really wants to make an effort like she's going to be a part of things like she'll be in the office

she's going to go on shows and I was like okay I don't know she doesn't have to no and then it was even like I said something like

if you want to come on you know to do your first appearance like coming back or whatever I was like let me get these downloads and she was like hell yeah i think i don't think she actually said anything she sent back like a me uh a gift being like that's some hot girl shit that's some hot girl shit like i don't need y'all i'm just gonna go on my instagram all

right i know you're like a big deal but like whatever and then like you know five minutes later she's worth 60 million i'm like i wouldn't talk to me either I would send a gift to me and blow me off too I get it I get it yeah we knew that there was the inception of Call Her Daddy

was like we're looking for our guys to be fucked and then when they when they got together and then they were breaking up like so there was huge news

it was like so many people were invested in it I was like oh that's so interesting I'm like damn it pays to be fucking hot like that huh

and yeah you guys should stage some beef well alex uh alex uh was at some conference i forget which one because my assistant forwarded me the article and she circled the uh the quote that she was saying like you guys you have to have your own original ideas like it's fucked up to coffee and i'm like wait we've talked about that on this podcast before because I thought that quote in particular was weird to me because it's like I don't understand like why I feel like once someone gets so big

they like have to pretend that everything was like wholly original it's my idea and it's like the first person ever to do it ever I think the exact example I used was like if we got big we're like like, you know what? You have a great idea. You take voicemails on a podcast. You shoot with your guns.

Nothing is original at this point. It was so weird. I'm so happy you remember that quote. Oh, I remember it. What the fuck is that? Our originality is all we got. The one thing you don't do as a comic is you don't steal somebody's bit. Or somebody doing a similar bit,

other comics, like, you tell it, like, oh, so-and-so has got a bit like that. You just want to make sure your perspective is different. You want to be unique. It's all you have.

Also, there's enough unique ideas to go around. Like, they, it's an endless well of unique ideas. You just got to, like, think. Yeah, but I feel like in the podcasting world,

it's not, I can understand, like, writing material and script and all that kind of shit. But, like, you know, it's like, I wouldn't, if two and script and all that kind of shit. But like, you know, it's like, I wouldn't, if two guys were just like shooting the shit

like we were, I would be like, we didn't like. The unique part is your personalities if you like, you know, you're going in. But wait, what were you going to say? No, I was going to say,

ours is a little bit more of like a specific idea. Yeah, no, you can't, you can't copyright two guys chatting. Yeah. If you could, someone would have. No, but I mean, you can't copyright two guys chatting. Yeah, if you could, someone would have. No, but I mean, you know, so you feel like it was because it was... It was also like we knew,

we heard that there was an ad that Barstool put out that was like, we are looking to do our version of Guys Be Fight. This is not something we guessed. We put that out? Yeah, we... Yes! No, we didn't. Yeah, a comic sent it to us,

because we're not going to be like, everyone's copying us. I'm not involved in this stuff at all. The story I heard was that Gaz followed her or something like that and then Gaz thought she was funny and showed it to Dave. Maybe that's not true.

I don't know. They're not decisions I make. Someone saw Alex Cooper and thought she was funny? That's... Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's a humor that I love.

I'd be interested to see where we put out ads I don't think we've ever put an ad on she's interesting I'll give you that she's interesting she's a good lesson for sure

yeah I wasn't even on board because I was like Gen Z does need a Guys We Fucked and it makes sense and she's different and I think

Guys We Fucked does need the perspective of like what's it like to date when you're a 10 I just don't know how many people could possibly listen to that

and I feel bad for like, I don't want to take advice from a 10. Fives who are listening to that show and think that they can do things that Alex Cooper can do. Exactly. We're approachably attractive. You can't act like Alex Cooper

if you don't look like Alex Cooper. I'm not going to tell Alex Cooper about my sexual assault. I'm not going to be vulnerable. You know what I'm saying? Very different. Very different. I get that for sure.

All right. So what else? So we got a special tours yeah our special day going on the road after seven days yeah and we got a new podcast studio

it's real fun beautiful where is that exactly I'll give you the exact address I need to behead you it was us the whole time. Oh my God. Get out the guillotine.

Stay safe out there, girls. Thank you. Thanks. I appreciate it. Thanks. All right. So that was, that was Guys We Fucked.

Again, if you look at the video, because I don't want to sound like I was like bitching about something where it wasn't as awkward. And so I just want to make sure. I mean, let's have everyone in the room. Yeah, no. I was there, first 20 minutes, didn't notice anything.

Right when she said it smelled weird in here, like a locker room. For the rest of the interview, I was cringing so hard. Which, I mean, this place is not glamorous. You felt it? This place doesn't smell, by the way. Yeah, and I could tell you guys felt it when Kevin said you just don't want to be here because listen I don't have a problem if you

don't think I'm funny or we're not gelling with our conversation don't not look at me don't not look me in the eye she looked at Zach like that direction the whole time and I was talking to a person just not looking at me.

I was like, all right, that's enough. That I can't stand. You don't want to play along with our combo. You don't want to – you're not interested in the talk. Fine. But just basic. You said you were going to come here, talk to me for 10 more minutes, and you can go.

So that was when I was just like, I just got to call this out. I also don't think it smells in here. I'm a pretty – I'm not like one of those – we're not, like, frat boys who, like, live in, like, you know, shitty, stinky fucking places. Like, if this place smelled, it would be a problem. Yeah, I would not like a smelly place, but I also have a bad sense of smell, so I can't really fight on that one.

I'll take your word for it. Yeah, I think if it smelled, I think I would be, I would be complaining about it. So, anyway, that's probably never going to happen again. On to our interview with Mike Racine. That was funny. That was just a fact. On to our interview with Mike Racine

who shows up with pizza in hand. So, from one extreme to the other, Mike Racine, very funny guy in the comedy industry. This is brought to you by Helix Sleep. If you need a, if you, the first thing you should do,

if you, we talk so much about like getting old and being in pain and mental health and anxiety and all that stuff. And before you do anything, before you start worrying about workouts and diets and therapy and all that stuff, start with your bed because the day that you start getting, you know,

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That's what you did with your ex-girlfriend. Go to helixsleep.com, slash KFC. Mike Racine on KFC Radio. Let's talk to him. This is the best podcast guest we've ever had. More people than you do this. Podcast guest, bring pizza. Come bear and guess.

Right. What the fuck's going on, man? I got home last night at like 1 o'clock and I was like, shit. Before you guys canceled, I had one that I made and it didn't turn out as good.

So I didn't bring it. And then I found out that one of you had COVID. So yeah. So I was like, alright, well that's good. And then so I was like, I'll do it next time. I'll make it better. And then I got back at like 1 in the morning. I was like, I gotta go to bed.

But then I was like, I can do it next time. I'll make it better. And then I got back at like 1 in the morning. I was like, I gotta go to bed. But then I was like, I can make dough real quick. Really? Yeah, it takes 8 minutes to like knead the dough. Do you cook a lot? Yeah. I work too. Yeah. Yeah, my grandma would... Do you like eating your own pizza?

I do, yeah. This one's pretty good. I don't think it's my best, but it's good. It's pretty fucking good. Thanks. I think it's my best, but it's good. It's pretty fucking good. Thanks. I imagine if you push it out of the oven, it's even better. Do you have a regular oven at home? It's just a regular oven, but I just set it to 500,

and then you cook the dough first and get it a little kind of crispy, and then you add the sauce and the cheese, and then you cook it right on the oven rack. I once tried to do one of those like do-it-yourself pizza. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was a nightmare. Yeah. It just like fell through

the fucking it was a fucking disaster. If you know what you're doing you can save a lot of money. I bet. Yeah, man. That's the Italian grandfather in me, I guess.

Yeah, yeah. You can make it yourself for like 20 cents. I'm happy to finally get you in here, man. Yeah. I feel like we, what, you were at Caroline's,

right, with? Tonight, yeah. Me and Adam Friedland from Comptown. We're going to co-headline. But we were at Caroline's, what, that was? Oh, yeah, maybe like

a month ago or so. A month ago, right? With Shane? Yeah, opening for Shane, which was, yeah, you guys murdered that night. Oh, thanks. Yeah, you guys all put on a hell of a show.

That was fun. Sorry, I'm going to finish the pizza. This one's yours? Do you want more or you got more? I saw you with, I saw you guys on Thursday night. Kevin saw you guys on Friday or Saturday night. And we went out to the stand afterwards. And Shane was like, I would say bordering on actually mad at you for being funnier than him that night

he was like he's like you fucking he's like you fucking killed a fucking son I don't think I was funnier

but he is very like competitive which you don't you don't see that a ton in comedy like some people I guess some people are

not everybody you guys all are maybe not openly not openly that's probably the difference there but I feel like you guys always are comparing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who got the special? Who has the best jokes? Who's copying? Who's, you know. Yeah, I fucked his mom that night, too. So that's why he was. Who really was? He was extra mad.

Yeah. You've known him for a while? Yeah, maybe a couple years. Oh, okay. Maybe three or four years yeah yeah through through the company uh through the industry yeah that's always interesting i feel like the people who know each other versus the people who met each other uh-huh you know some people lifelong friends of the people just met it's just an interesting dynamic amongst like

the whole industry yeah yeah for sure yeah there's guys that i know that like that i've known for longer than most people in my life. You know what I mean? I've been in New York for about 14 years. So there's people I've met in 2008, 2009. It's just, yeah, you see these people. It's just a long time to work with people. That's when sadness starts to hit.

When you realize that your work friends are longer than your lifelong friends. I have three friends who are longer than Kevin. That is about it. It's like three friends who have longer than Kevin. Yeah. That is about it. It's like, oh man, this is bad. It's also to see like,

like you think about all the people you did open mics with and you're like, some of them are doing the beacon theater and some of them have like huge careers. And then some of them are like me, you know, like just featuring where they can. The beacon kind of, uh,

somebody said this the other day on a podcast. It might have been Shane, I don't know. But they were like, when did The Beacon become like Caroline's? Where it's like, I got everyone's doing The Beacon now. It's a big fucking deal. I mean, I feel like comedy has just popped

in a way that people are like always looking to get buy tickets and always you find the podcast, you want to see them live. It's a good time. It's a good time to be a comic and a podcaster. For a lot of people it is

I'm just I'm just not good at the like the social media aspect at all I just like I don't know like I could have been doing that I could have been posting clips

on Instagram for the past five years or something and I just did probably would have been a good idea yeah it would have been a good idea well you know you gotta have

because I hate putting stuff on Instagram too yeah I hate putting I hate my face I hate everything I hate my face I hate my body I hate my voice I hate my body I Instagram too. Yeah. I hate putting up. I hate my face. I hate everything about it. I hate my body.

I hate my voice. I hate my body. I don't think I'm funny. I think I'm awkward. I mean, I hate all of it, but I just kind of like grit my teeth and do it. So one time I asked a social media guy if he could help me with it, and he laughed in my face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Help you with what?

Like what aspect of it? Like running, like helping with my social media. Yeah. I hate putting myself out there. You need to hire like a 14-year-old girl or something. Well, that's it.

We tried. We got a 24-year-old gay kid. Yeah. He's as close to a 14-year-old girl as you can get. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Are you 24? Yeah, I am. Yeah, I nailed it. All right, good. Yeah, that might be a little too old, no offense, to help with social media. Because you need somebody who knows what the next new thing is.

That's my thing. Are we just going to keep downloading apps until we die? I think so. Can we cut off? I think so. Can we be like, I'm on three of them. I'm done. Yeah.

I'm not doing the next 10. And I miss the boat on every social media thing. Because I got really good at Facebook for a little bit. I got really good at writing little statuses and rants and whatever on facebook people like people would be like oh your facebook's really funny but i never upgraded to the the fan page so then and then i like just stopped using facebook like all together and i started and then i went to twitter and now twitter is like i tweet like a lot but i have this small this this following that i can't seem to grow. And I hate everybody on Twitter.

Twitter is the worst. Everybody is mentally ill. Twitter is just a fucking cesspool hell on earth. Hell on earth. Unfortunately, Instagram is where it's at. And we're ugly. You know what I mean? And we're ugly.

You either have to be really hot or already a huge hit where you put up a video and it just gets like 10 million views. No problem. Yeah. And in between it's just like, well, why would I watch this video? Why would I look at this account? I know. And Instagram, because Twitter is where people say like just the nastiest shit about your family. And like they somehow know you well enough where they know what you're insecure about.

I don't know how they do it. Yeah. Because they've been following you. There's a knife right to the fucking heart. Because they've been your fans for like five or ten years. The most perfect encapsulation of Twitter happened this week. Kevin was gone for most of the week,

so I was doing the podcast ads. I knew he wouldn't be listening to them, so I was delivering little messages in the podcast ads to listeners. On Tuesday's episode, I was like, everyone tweet Kevin. Like, why did you say that? Or what did you do? And like, so he woke up to hundreds of tweets being like,

you're like, what the fuck, dude? That was fucked up. Why would you say that? People were like, yo, I've been a fan of yours for a long time, but I can't believe you would say that. Like, think twice before you say things like that into a microphone. Dude, what the fuck? That was weird. That was really weird, dude. And I just like all out panicked. like think twice before you say things like that into a microphone dude what the fuck that was

weird that was really weird dude and i just like all out panicked and and the thing was so many people did it that i i put it together i was like oh they're fucking with me but if only a handful had done it they i would have like freaked the fuck out but then he tried to do the opposite i did so then for thursday's episode i was, all right, we got him good with that one. Get him back to even. Everyone go tweet Kevin that you love him, that he's very nice. No one did it. And they'll still tell you to go kill yourself and whatever.

I mean, I was like, it's legitimately, I would say, 50 to 1, the amount of tweets. Nice versus mean. You're all assholes. Every last fucking one of you. Yeah. I had this reply guy, and he would just reply to my tweets and i'm like okay this guy's probably mentally ill but it was pretty harmless the stuff he was saying and then he like said something he said something like kind of racist and i blocked him because i was like i don't want to like look at this stuff and be associated with this and then i saw what he was saying about me

like after i blocked him and he was just just like the nastiest shit that's like still kind of echoing in my head you know he was upset that i blocked him but yeah and it's just it's just like so twitter i feel like i'm kind of done with but now i'm trying to transition to tiktok or instagram i'm addicted to it i still addicted to it i got i just open it up and i scroll and i don't like it but i just still do it if you can break free of twitter i'm trying to i gotta break because it also is really not that important for like you know i don't think you move many tickets i don't think no i don't think so either it's like instagram is really the instagram is the best one and tiktok and then but then tiktok is like there's people i know with like a million tiktok followers and they're like yeah it doesn't really mean anything though it

doesn't those aren't real people or whatever. Like, it might be inflated or something. I went from, like, this is fake to thinking this is very real. When I saw, like, the girls who dance and some of the guys, like, they were getting mobbed like the Beatles for a second. But now I feel like that's, like, gone. I feel like it's gone back to, like, TikTok isn't that big of a deal. Really? I just feel like it hasn't been the same.

That pandemic buzz was special, man. It was wild. If you started during the pandemic, yeah. So I was doing Twitter videos during the pandemic, which those did okay, but if I had joined TikTok, I would have. So I'm just like, bad luck. I just miss every single vote. But I look at some of these TikTok stars.

There's a girl who has like nine million tiktok followers and she just does little short like dances and i'm like this girl could probably have me killed if i wanted to like if i upset her she could send a team of assassins to my house and just like yeah yeah it's a little emasculating when you realize that like a 13 year old girl is more powerful than you. She can probably get more done in a business sense. She can make more money than you. She can have you killed.

It's like, wow. Yeah. Okay. Maybe she'll hire me. Maybe she'll need a writer. That's the goal, man. That's the fucking goal at this point. Yeah.

This pizza dude is just staring me in the fucking face. Can I just house another slice while we go into the pod? Might as well. Might as well keep going. I got a text before the show started, and I haven't been able to think about anything since, so I'm just going to share it with you guys. We'll work through this together.

Sorry in advance, but I can't be alone with this. I just learned eggs are a chicken's period. The ones we eat are unfertilized eggs. A human period is an unfertilized egg leaving the body. I don't know. If you were watching Friday Night Pints, which we were just recording, there was a tonal shift in my body language. I was like, oh, God.

I mean, that is true. Yeah. They're just crapping out an egg that hasn't been cummed in that's it that's so how do chickens fuck doggy style mostly i mean yeah most animals do right but like i just made that up i imagine like what like what is a chicken that didn't disturb you at all you neither you really flinched on that i guess i don't i don't know why this makes a difference. Milk is food for the cow's baby. The cow has to have the baby and then they rip it away.

They rip the baby away from the cow. And the cow goes, no! That's my baby! And then you go, mmm, a new flavor of we're going to put it in a cage and keep it as veal. Hold on a second. And then you throw it out because it goes bad.

This looks like there's no... I don't think the chicken penis touches air. What? I think it's all sealed. Look at that. Doesn't that seem like it's a closed circuit system? Yeah, like a space docking thing. Yeah, like when planes fill up gasoline in the air.

So then they come in there and then, yeah. then the then the egg that's fucked man we're just eating periods not the first time but now how many eggs do they lay they must not it must not be once a month imagine your wife's a chicken and she's got her period Period. Every day. I thought... My chicken wife is PMSing again today. Every hour. They lay a lot of eggs? I couldn't venture to guess.

They must lay a lot of eggs. How many eggs? Let's take a guess. How many eggs does a chicken lay a day? How? A day? Four per day? They don't lay daily.

Okay. Then take a guess. My guess is they lay six a day. How? A day? Four per day? They don't lay daily. Okay. My guess is they lay six a week. You said that like it's a wild difference. That's very close to every single day. Well, I think they lay in batches. Oh, like six at one shot? Yeah. They have a litter of periods.

What's your guess? Two a day. Between 180 and 260 a year. Okay. So that's roughly, like 180 is roughly like every other day. But I don't know. Yeah, you're right. Maybe they do a bunch in one spot.

I think you kind of just fucking fire out a couple like turds. No, it takes 24 to 26 hours to create each egg. It'll mess you up once you really start thinking about the scale of uh like factory farming and like food production not to be not to be like a nerd over here or anything but yeah it's like a lot i think it's like nine billion chickens get murdered every year it's just in the u.s that's such an unbelievable it's such a high number nine billion there's literally like a chicken holocaust every day. No offense to someone's going to get it.

They're going to be like, how dare you? Dude, that's so many fucking chickens. Yeah. Holy shit. I was just talking about this recently with my mom. Nine billion. Exactly. It was.

Nine billion chickens a year and 305 million hens are used for their eggs god damn let's go through this is how many animals we eat per year this is worldwide so 50 billion chickens a year

are slaughtered worldwide 50 billion worldwide. And it's far and away. Oh, no, wait, that's pigs. Pigs. Nearly 1.5 billion pigs. That's fucked up,

because I've learned recently how much, how smart pigs are. That's not cool. That's like, we're borderline killing a billion dogs a year. Yeah. Pigs are like dogs. They just happen to taste good. Like, pigs are smart. They, like, cool. That's like, we're borderline killing a billion dogs a year. Yeah. Pigs are like dogs. They just happen to taste good. Like, pigs are smart.

They, like, learn. They can know things. They, I think I even read something. They, like, borderline, like, decorate their, like, living space. They, like, have things, like, set in their little pens and shit like that. Yeah, like, this corner's for this. And we kill 1.5 billion of them. Because think about it.

I mean, it's everything. It's ham. It's bacon. it's it's like there's a lot of vegan podcast by the end but they're like smart and shit man i was feeding those pigs again i met up with mortimer and orwell and they were i'm feeding them marshmallows yeah and then this is like yeah we we murdered your buddies to eat bacon in the morning it's like it. It's like killing your dog. It is. It's wild. Which I have a baby now, so I don't care about killing my dog. I kind of want to kill my dog. But before I had the baby, yeah.

When people say that having a dog is like having a kid, I want to throw them in a meat grinder and kill them. Yeah. But I do understand what they're talking about when you – What? Yeah, I have two kids. So I get what you mean. But they don't know any better.

When you have a dog, you do have to get home for it. You used to be able to just do whatever you want. Now you're like, I gotta get home for the dog. I gotta feed the dog. I gotta help the dog out. I gotta walk the dog. So it's a smidgen of responsibility. Do you know what happens to your dog

if you leave it alone for 72 hours? Like, it tears up your cushion. It happens to your kid if you leave it alone for 72 hours? It fucking dies. cushion yeah your arms your kid if you leave alone for 72 hours it fucking dies so there's a little bit of a goddamn difference and also yeah man that that like you know when you just have a dog it's like you're it's like your family it's like you love it and then you have a kid and it's so fucking hard to take care of the kid that the dog is just driving you crazy to the point that you're like i don't know dude please run away yeah just like run away and go have a better life. You don't want to be here.

It's not fun anymore. I don't want to be here, but I have to be. If I could run away, I would, dude. So go. And we had the dog before we had the kid. So when my wife was pregnant, I was like, God, I hope this kid doesn't come and fuck up the vibe. We have such a great vibe here with me and the dog.

Your vibe is eradicating. Kids are the biggest vibe killers in the world. Take your vibe and throw a nuclear bomb in it. That's what happening. No, but I thought I was going to not like the kid because I love my dog so much. And then the kid shows up and you're like, go away. You're such a nuisance. You're just annoying me.

But I do miss that. It is a cool vibe when it's just like the dog and you. Yeah, when they get along. When you're good. That's the other thing, man. I feel like I see all these families, and maybe it's just the ones that post on Instagram, but I see the puppies licking the baby's face, and they eat together, and they nap together, and they snuggle together.

And I was like, I have to get rid of my dog because he might kill my child. On the verge of he's going to nip them in the the face and they're going to be blinded for life. Those videos have to be fake, though. Of the, like, a dog meets our baby for the first time because my dog didn't give a shit. Really? Yeah, yeah. My dog did, but it was just like, get this thing the fuck out of here. Yeah.

We had one split second. My dog licked my daughter's face. She happened to smile, even though they say you can't smile. And I, like, happened to catch ithuh and it looked like the cutest moment ever and what people don't know is before and after he was like pawing at it the baby was crying and yeah but you know the mom was like get me his fucking dog yeah terrible man yeah but yeah that that i love that uh you know like i've had a dog so i like know it's like that baby it's like having a baby it's crazy because you're like i'm not gonna be an angry dad like my dad was i'm not gonna be pissed off all

the time yelling and cursing and stuff but we also have uh we have a 15 year old yorkie that was my wife's before we started dating so we have that so we have two dogs and the baby so they have to like and the yorkie just drives me insane he's in diapers he pees and poops on the floor and i have to take him out i take him out he's like he likes senile he like walks around the sidewalk and just refuses to die and i guess it just makes me so upset it makes me so upset it's funny because if that was your dog you'd be like yeah man like yeah me and my brother yeah it's your wife's dogs you're like just die it's like this like stepson that i had it's like please just end it well you said like you're like just die it's like this like stepson that i had please just end it well

you said like you're not gonna be like my dad like an angry dad yeah i think i definitely would be i think i would be the angriest father yeah i don't understand it's not really a way around it towards your kid towards my like i think i have that i i've always said i think i would abuse my baby like i just verbally abusing him? Oh, no, he's talking about physical. I'm not talking about physical. He's talking about physical. Dude, if I was just trying to sleep, this is a hypothetical baby, so you can't get mad about it.

It's not real. I don't have a baby. Go off. Go off. If I was trying to sleep, I think I would get shaken baby syndrome. Like, for sure. Like, shut the fuck up! Just shut the fuck up! I have a very thin, my temper is the longest fuse in the world.

But when it blows, it blows. Right. I do fully understand shaken baby syndrome. Like, I'm not going to punch the baby, but I'll give it a little. What's wrong with you? Just don't cry. 3 o'clock in the morning. Yeah, don't have kids, Brian.

I have said shut the fuck up to the baby a couple times. Yeah, yeah. But they're baby babies. I'm like, fuck you. Fucking sleep. Yeah. That's how you got to get. That's how you don't end up hitting them.

Yell at them all. Yeah, you got to yell at them. I mean, this is a a crazy question you don't have to answer it if you don't want to but how old is your kid nine months all right sorry yeah yeah like maybe i i i don't i don't judge it if you do but maybe i've just gotten soft like i would never spank my kids i can't imagine no whack and shay yeah but like i got whacked a couple times and i'm fine and i and i really if you told me you don't you do i'd be like okay that's a fine way to like discipline as long as obviously like within parameters but like if i like the fine way all right that's cool yeah we be kids like yeah i'm just saying like you know you know obviously

i like punching your kid or you know but like a whack on the butt that used to happen to me and i like it just didn't think twice. But I think about it with my kids now. If I'm even remotely sort of like you can't have a snack after dinner, they're like ready to cry. If I were to just be like, you know. I mean, they would melt down. I can't even imagine doing it.

It feels like it's. Raising soft-ass kids is what's happening. Participation trophy award for ouran's kids over here. That's it, dude. We turned out fine. No, you didn't. You have mental illness. Yeah, we're absolutely fucked.

Yeah. My dad hit me. So when I meet another person that also got hit by their parents, I'm like, we connect. I'm like, oh, cool. There's not as many people. Trauma bond. Do it, yeah. so i was talking to a friend of mine and um she said that she went to yellowstone with her mom like her mom would beat her and her sister and she said that

like on their way on their way to the campsite her mom would like beat them with a switch so like on their way to the campsite her mom like cut a switch before they were even bad just get ready yeah just like oh I better bring this when I have to beat my kids. I thought that was so crazy. I got to pack this, pack that, pack my switch. Oh, I forgot the switch.

Ronald, pull over. That's not like privilege is a term I get thrown around. My biggest privilege is I learned about the term switch from Adrian Peterson. I had no idea that was a thing until AP was wailing on his kids.

I feel like the switch part, too, makes it feel very roots. Like, I'll hit you with a switch, boy. I used to get hit with a stick. It was a paint stirrer. It was a paint stirrer that she called the bad boy stick. It's not too bad.

She would whack the top of my hand. And she said it happened once. So whenever we're together as a family, I'll be like, Mom, remember that time you used to beat us with a stick? And she was like, I tapped you with a piece of balsa wood. It had a name, Mom. The bad boy stick. You used to whack me with a fucking two by four.

Remember that? The bad boy stick's like the boo box. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was almost... I used to ask her if it worked. She came up with a whole system. It's called the Black Mark system. And it was like, if you do something wrong, she puts a little black mark on the calendar. If you do something right,

you get a star. And at the end of the week, if you have more stars, you get a prize. If you have more black marks, you get fucking whacked. And she instituted this whole thing. And I asked her, stars you get a prize if you have more black marks you get fucking whacked and um she like instituted this whole thing and and i asked her like did it did it work like did i like what if i got a black mark would i be upset or whatever she's like oh no you didn't give a shit you just like kept on doing exactly what she's like you're getting a black mark and i was like okay probably because all she was doing was hitting me with a piece of balsa which probably should have hit me

with a fucking two by four i would have i would have calmed down yeah yeah it's got to be tough especially if your kid's like disrespecting you if your kid turns into like a little twitter troll yeah that that i maybe that's the difference yeah i don't think i could i can't like spank my like kids when they're young i'll probably beat the shit out of them when they're teenagers you want it you're gonna disrespect me on your twitter i'm gonna follow you and see like my dad so so fucking annoying oh yeah you get a backhand but my dad would hit me with a belt i don't think it taught me anything but it didn't teach me how are we talking like really yeah yeah yeah like damn he would like get mad and kind of he would like snap yeah but now i'm just kind of like i wish you try to hit me with a belt today because he's almost 70. I just want to fuck him up.

Why don't you just start? Why don't I start now? I should, right? Just out of nowhere? Yeah. They say it's all cyclical. It's like they take care of you and you take care of them.

It's like, well, I'm part of the process. I'm going to start hitting you. Yeah, just not that hard. I should whack him on the leg with a belt. Yeah. Every time you see him, it's like, Dad, good to see you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I beat my dad. Hitting my dad with a belt. Yeah. Every time you see him, it's like, Dad, good to see you. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hitting my dad with a belt. So today, I hit my dad with a belt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be awesome. He's a bitch. Look at him cry. I mean, it's basically

what Bam Margera used to do. A little bit of torture. Yeah. Yeah, I beat my dad. Speaking of Bam Margera and torture, I've seen the new Jackass and I think I've decided

I'm kind of into torture. Nice. Sexually? No, not sexually. I wasn't getting hard at Jackass. but he reads like cia reports and he gets real yeah yeah it's like erotic fiction for me um no but like those were by far the hardest laughs for me were when guys were in situations that they could not get out of and so they were either bound oh okay and like they like it was physically stuck yeah like like they were they were tied up they were uh trapped locked in a room what's wrong or they

were they were standing on electric floors and all of those ones where there wasn't they would not just like the quick hit like getting hit by the bull funny no doubt but like it doesn't have that fucking he doesn't have that fear in his eyes while it's happening and that fear like i don't hear yourself right now like when they have that look that they they don't know if it's ever gonna end is really what makes me laugh you're into that i mean it's they're objectively the funniest scenes in the movie everyone who sees the movie says those are three of the funniest scenes. So I'm not alone in this. I'm just the only one admitting it out loud, I guess.

An important part of my joy and laughter comes from their... The captive. The captivity. Yeah, the look in their eyes that says, like, this might be it for me. Something is so severely wrong with you. No, dude. Because everyone who's seen that movie agrees. The Silence of the Lambs.

But they're not like looking into their eyes. But there's something about it. They're just not acknowledging the fact that that's what it is. So you think you just know what it is. I can just tell. I'm like, yeah. It's not a coincidence that the three funniest scenes are the three where someone's either tied to a chair,

trapped in a room, or they can't get off a floor that's constantly electrocuting them. People getting scared is funny. Yeah. Yeah, right? Yeah, yeah. Human suffering. Yeah, great guys. It is hysterical. No, I mean, I like the pain always was kind of it for me, where it would just be like, i remember one of the first ones i saw was shopping carts but one of the first like actual shopping carts like he uh one of them is

is pushing the other guy and like at the last second before going off a ramp he punches him in the head he's like one two three bow and then he goes off a ramp and and crashes but it was just like there's a punch in the head at the last second. It's like, so unnecessary. We're about to go off a ramp. That was going to be the joke, but also I'm going to punch you in the ear, right in the fucking temple, man. It was great. I just love that shit. Yeah, I don't know. I can't get enough of that.

Good old human suffering, dude. So, you're at Caroline's. You're out on the road now. Yeah. So, when you opened for Shane, is that just like when you're both in town at the same time? Or you like touring? Yeah, I wasn't doing anything. And I was like, you know, if you ever need somebody. And he was like, I'm at Caroline's this weekend.

So yeah, it's a lot of fun. And what are your dates coming up? I'll be in Foxborough, Massachusetts end of March. Heard of it. Burn it to the ground while you're up there. Nice. That'd be good. Yeah, I'm doing Poughkeepsie at some point.

I forget. They moved the date a couple times. But, yeah. And when are we opening up a pizza joint, dude? What's that? When are we going to open up a pizza joint? Shit. I guess I should eventually.

I mean, if you can make pizza like that, you can probably own a pizza joint. Yeah. I think it's... I give it my seal of approval, and that's hugely important, obviously. I would probably go to, go to South Carolina or something. Yeah, go somewhere where they didn't have pizza. That is a great point. I know they talk about the water and the this and the that in New York,

which might be true, but also just knowing what it takes. Go down in South Carolina and just own the market down there. These idiots don't know what you're doing. Colin Quinn said that. He was like, we're snobs about the water up here. No, it's not New York water. Like, we even know if that's true.

We were talking about this recently, and I feel like we talk about this a lot, and someone was telling me that there are pizza places in different parts of the country that buy New York water. Yeah, and have it shipped there. They import it. I think it is a thing.

Intruder. Isn't this like a dog barking? What would you do right now if there was a live shooter? What would you do? Would you be like, fuck, the one day I'm here. I guess we just locked the

door right no they don't lock anymore because of covid what you haven't noticed that you don't even you don't even have to turn the knob anymore i saw a tiktok where a teacher she gives her students hockey pucks that they have all the kids have hockey pucks taped under their desk throw at them yeah and they're like yeah it can do some damage. I don't know. What we want to do is we want to make the shooter mad. I feel like if 35 kids all threw a hockey puck,

you'd at least have a split second to maybe take them down. Yeah. Yeah. Like everybody throws and then you have the fat kid like bum rush

or something. What would I do? I guess we'd hang out in here and just grab that whiskey bottle or something. Yeah. I'm holding this thing up. Beam him with the...

Yeah. My first thought was a slice of pizza. Throw it at him? No, oh no. I was just going to just gonna eat it yeah just sit there and eat the pizza before you murder me try this pizza we were just gonna open up a spot in south carolina it's gonna be great yeah i'd probably use zach as a human shield yeah these kids go in places all right it's an interview

and they hire you and if there was an active shooter honestly Dave Dave would probably hire off of something like that they go you're willing

to be a human shield for me okay alright so where can people get tickets and follow you and all that good stuff you can go to the

Caroline's well actually the links for the tickets are in my social media bio so Twitter and Instagram Racine Mike on Instagram and Mike Racine on Twitter.

Beautiful. The show's tonight. So, yeah, if you can make it out, that'd be great. Caroline's on Broadway. 7 o'clock. Beautiful. Thank you, brother. Appreciate you coming in.

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.