KFC Radio - Feits Returns from Harrowing Hospital Visit ft Harvey Levin

Episode Date: June 29, 2021

Subscribe, rate, share, and leave a review! barstool.link/KFCRADIO ⁃ Feits came very close to death, but he got good hospital stories out of it ⁃ Annual PSA: Summer. Fucking. Sucks. ⁃ You have a vagina in your throat ⁃ Feits (kind of?) joined the Pride parade ⁃ KFC went to the Bucks game with the internet’s newest celebrity: Dana Beers ⁃ Butt Chugging ⁃ Top 5 worst things about being sick ⁃ Voicemails: ⁃ Richard geer gerbil confirmation ⁃ Best ATI question to use on a dating app? ⁃ Most American meal of all time (maybe will be a new ATI question) ⁃ 2:00:23 - Harvey Levin on his new 1-hour special on UFO’s and behind the scenes of TMZ Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @nickhammy5 @JNics415 @Joshua__dm @macczack21You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Dana Beers just casually dropped it twice. He's butt-chugged. And he was like, it's college, dude. You butt-chugged? You butt-chugged? Get the fuck out of here! Are you ready? It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network.

It's Clancy and Feidelberg. Feidelberg back from the dead. What up? Back in studio with a normal-sized neck. I'm in a good mood. Whoa. Don't want to get ahead of myself. Well, that's what happens when you have a near-death experience.

I'm in a good mood. It wasn't a near-death experience. You know what? Take a dollar out of the jar. Take a dollar back. Every time you say something positive about enjoying life, you take a dollar back. Damn. Look at this.

Crisp one, too. But also. I owe like a 20. Fuck the summer. I hate the summer. I'm going to kill myself. Put a dollar back in. No, but Feidelberg is back. I'm going to tell you about why summer sucks in a second.

But back with Zero, we have no more knowledge about your body and what happened to you than we did like six days ago. None whatsoever. You are, of course, by the way, like you are this like medical marvel where the doctor's like, we don't know. Like I bet you, I guarantee you that there was some conversations

that maybe you were not privy to where they were calling in the interns and they were calling in double, second and third opinions being like, children, watch this. We've never seen this before. We don't know what's wrong with this guy. they're like wednesday and thursday there were some scary moments because of exactly that you the text message is like i'm fine and then like six hours

later they're like they're still like they're they're transferring me to another hospital they're bringing in other doctors they don't know what's wrong i'm getting a biopsy but i'm good no you're not you're just not good It was So like the whole ordeal Was like Was weird Where it was like It started off on Monday Where like I went to the clinic

And I had to I had to beg these people Just to look at my face I had to just I'd be like look Like you're not gonna get it Like can I just take my mask off Real quick

Cause like my mask Was covered And I'm like Can I just Can I And they'd be like Be careful I'm like

Look I got the vaccine It's not real You have a medical Fucking Right I have the vaccine Shut up Can I just – and they'd be like, be careful. I'm like, look, I got the vaccine. It's not real. You have a medical fucking – right? I have the vaccine. Shut up. Can I just take my mask off for a second? And they were like, dude.

Dude, what's that? And then so they're like, all right, if it's not – I think I said this on the podcast when I was on last time on Tuesday. They were like, if it's not good on Wednesday, go to the hospital. Right. So I was like – And by the way, this – like Feidelberg even getting up off his ass to go to the clinic and then go to the hospital and shit, like, you know.

You know what I mean? We haven't gone to doctors in years unless, like, you have to go. And it was... It was a Wednesday morning. Wednesday...

Like, Tuesday night, I didn't sleep. Wednesday morning, I, like, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't swallow. I couldn't do anything. I mean, you looked so disgusted.

So I was like, all right, I'm gonna go to the hospital now. So I got up Wednesday after, like, you know, little winks of little sleep and I go to the hospital and was like, all right, I'm going to go to the hospital now. So I got up Wednesday after little winks of a little sleep, and I go to the hospital. And pretty quickly, they were like, hmm, this isn't good.

Yeah. And I was like, all right. And it was honestly kind of awesome, because I didn't have anyone come stay with me. I was like, the hospital is no place for a healthy person. I'm good. I was there alone for pretty much the whole time and dream come true yeah i mean i had my headphones i actually i had to have my girlfriend bring me my headphone charger and phone charger because i was just then you're good i was just chilling i both were like by like 3 p.m both were like

gone so i was like i'm gonna need these charges yeah and they wouldn't let me leave the hospital right because they were like we don't know what's wrong with you bro right um and uh about to have another outbreak or some shit dude but it was like i it was like i i got tested for different for 14 hours straight on wednesday where it was like that's not normal it would do they were like injecting me with iodine i felt i was gonna piss myself all the time yeah yeah if you inject iodine you get hot and you feel like you're gonna pee really um is that true or is that just you no no they told you that yeah they're like you feel like you're gonna piss yeah i was like all right and they're like sticking me in cat scan machines and mri machines and blood work and this and that and nothing and then and nothing but then the doctor came out at the hospital and

he's like so what does the clinic say and i was like? Like, they kind of just gave me medicine. He's like, yeah, they're treating you for gonorrhea. That's what CityMD does. And I was like, well, they asked me if I eat pussy. But... And I said, yeah, I ain't no bitch. 2021, man, I'm a generous lover. Of course I eat pussy. They actually said, now, like, now could your partner, could she or he?

And I was like, get to see. The fuck is this? Are you saying I've been sucking dick because I haven't been sucking? This is not a dick sucking entry. Got real defensive, real fast on it.

Who told you? You've been talking to Kevin? It was not a fucking dick. You should see my gag reflex. I don't suck dick, man. There's no way it could be my throat. No, I told them that. As soon as they put all the cons on, I was like, just so you know, I'm going to gag.

Because it's been pussy I've been eating. It's pride month. You're like, I ain't no gag, all right? And then so, like, they were – it went back and forth between being like, all right, it was people like overly like, are you dying? And I was like, no, I'm not dying. But there were definitely moments just considering the fact that I chew tobacco all the fucking time where I was like, oh, boy, is this the one? Right.

I was worried about that too. Dude, my mom was proud of me that I was telling the doctors I chew tobacco. I was like, yeah, mom, I know it could be an issue. Okay? I've been like, just so you know, I chewed tobacco a lot. Were you thinking there's a chance this is throat cancer? I thought for sure. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Definitely. It ran through my mind once or twice. It was going. When you said biopsy, I was like, here we go. This motherfucker's got the big suit. The only thing that was like. For downloads.

Just saying. If you want to go ahead and get cancer this summer, we will crush it. I'm actually going to get fucking insurance on my fucking throat and jaw. Well, yeah, good luck now. You know what your fucking premium for that will be? Well, fucking whatever, man. I'll fucking get one of those fucking dick things. What's his name?

What's fucking the porn star with a dick? All of them. Kieran Lee. You ever get short as dick? Yeah, because if my throat goes, bro, this is it. No, I hear you, but I'm just saying. This is it. We are done.

Not we. I am done. When you step in and you're like, I'd like to ensure this thing that I poison every single day with carcinogens. And I get like a sugary candy stuck in there on the regular. Yeah, we can ensure those golden pipes here for about $10,000 a month. You disgusting specimen. Imagine that. That would be the most Feidelberg end.

Be like, the one thing he stumbled his way into, he just can't talk anymore. Imagine if you just became mute. I got to learn how to write again? Oh, fucking A. God damn it. I'll fucking go be a fucking auto body shop worker. I'll do the register. But the – so then like eventually they come out and they're like, look, man, we're not going to figure it out here.

We got to send you to a new hospital. And I was like, whoa. Okay. Where were you? Which hospital were you at first? Lenox Hill, Green Village. So they sent you to just the real Lenox Hill? To Lenox Hill, Greenwich Village. So they sent you to just the real Lenox Hill? To Lenox Hill, yeah. I thought when you said that,

like if one hospital just totally gives up, if NYU was like, send them to Lenox, we don't know. But yeah, the Greenwich one is kind of like the fake one, and the Upper East Side one is like the real one. So at first I thought it was just like an entire medical, like fucking, you know, unit being like, we got nothing. I don't know about the other guys. But yeah, at any time though,

you're getting transferred to new hospitals. Bro, but they put me so, like, I was like, all right, I'll get a cab. And they're like, well, no, you can't do that. I was like, why? And honestly, the guy, when I asked why, he's kind of like, I don't know. I've never been asked this before. I hadn't really thought about it. He ended up being like, he's like, we'll take your IV out and put a new one in.

And I was like, oh, yeah, fuck that. Never mind. I'll take the ambulance. Did you pay for the ambulance? Because that's the ultimate Final Bird getting bowled over where it's like, I'm going to take the Uber because the Uber is going to cost $21 and the ambulance is going to cost $2,100. And he was like, no, no, no, you got to take the Uber. You got to take the ambulance. And you just got steamrolled, didn't you?

Kevin, I'll say this. Yeah. When I got there, I was asked to sign an iPadad i said what's this for they said billing so that's gonna be a couple grand on the top that's gonna everybody knows like unless you are like on the verge of death you don't take but i didn't call like i i obviously i it was a bit of a joke like i i i felt like it i like my text in the video conveyed enough that it wasn't an emergency. Right. I called it a cab ride. It said the Wii U we use.

I wasn't like, guys, look, I'm dying. I felt like it was enough like, hey, don't worry about it. Don't worry about this, yeah. But then when I get to the second hospital, which was fucking goddamn chaos. I don't know what happened last wednesday but the both emergency rooms i got to the emergency room on wednesday morning before anyone i was like the first person there i got there like 9 30 probably something like that and i was like first guy in boom took care of me very quickly there were 48 people there which is max capacity for that jesus christ

and then i get to this one. It was like a war zone. But the fucking... Summertime, man. Summertime in the city. It gets wild. Dude, the EMT apologized to me. He's like, sorry about the traffic on the way up here. I was like, oh, yeah.

If only we were in some kind of fucking vehicle where we could skip traffic. What are the rules of when you can and can't use the thing? It would have been a literal flick of the finger. No traffic anymore. We are on a magic carpet ride to and can't use the thing? It would have been a literal flick of the finger. No traffic anymore. We are on a magic carpet ride to Lenox Hill on the UES. But no, this motherfucker just was like, sorry about the traffic. After he put me in a fucking chair and then raised me up at the Lenox Hill in Grange Village, raised me up to abnormal heights.

Heights just completely, like he wanted the whole fucking emergency room to see, hey, we're bringing this guy out. I was above the barriers between cubbies that you have in the cubicles. I was above them. And as he raised me up, he went, you're like Simba. And I said, buddy, just get me in an ambulance. This is ridiculous. I can't breathe. Don't call me Simba.

Put me in a tree. Put me in a fucking car. And put the Wii U Wii U's on. Dude, to acknowledge the traffic. Like, if you can't use the siren, fine, whatever. But don't then rub it in by saying, hey, man, you know the one thing that you thought would be good about an ambulance? We're not going to do that. Yeah, like, just fucking. Holy shit.

But it took, I was in that car for, like, probably 45 minutes to an hour because it was 5 p.m on a Wednesday absolutely and i like i was farting up a storm like i was like it's just disgusting you know i was like why why the bumps make you fart i don't know bumpsumps in the road You're like Upset stomach Is kind of Shaking everything up I was like The woman The woman goes

Bumps So woman EMT goes I'm gonna sit behind you No I don't know If you wanna do that Lady But

Downwind for me On the On the fucking FDR Watch out Yikes So So I get to the fucking emergency room at the other Lenox Hill. Kelly Keegs

texts me. She's like, oh, wow, this is great for your brand. Only people go to the Upper East Side, Lenox Hill. And I was like, Keegs, let me tell you about what I'm seeing right now. First of all, I've got to show you this. I've got to show you how small the bays are.

They are insanity at this emergency room. And granted, it was probably pretty full. And so, like, that played a factor. Brother, do you know my history? You think I haven't been at the Lenox Hill? Fuck it. Oh, those are really small. That must be like a COVID thing or something.

It's just the width of a bed. It's just the width. I could touch both people. And I was touched by both people on the other side of me. I had a run where I was at the Lenox Hill emergency room, like, you know, like a few times a year in the mid-2000s. I was like, hey, I'm back, guys. Another surgery. How we doing?

But that is crazy. I mean, like, literally, our beds were just together. We were at war. Like I said, it was like a war. It was an absolute tragedy. Mash out here. And this woman next to me, I actually videoed myself and sent it to you. Yeah.

I had a homeless woman come in with dementia. I only know this because I overheard the doctor saying it. And she was just pinned down in the bed yelling, Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! For like hours on end. But the thing that I was fine with, what sucked,

is that I could see her feet. And it looked like her feet looked like she had been kidnapped by an unruly gang of children. And then tortured by having her feet be used in whack-a-mole. Like, they were just mangled, Kevin. Like, just absolutely. Just like beaten? Just fucking mangled. Like, twisted and gnarled, Kevin. Like, just absolutely. Just, like, beaten? Just fucking mangled. Like, twisted and gnarled like a willow tree.

It was. It was. The toes? The toes. Oh, the toenails. Don't get me started on the toenails. The heels? The bunions?

The horns? Not much bunion, but she looked like one of those Asian women who they just put their feet In a little thing And cinch them And they just never grow Yeah But they were huge But they were Fucking trees It was

It was a mess She's got roots And then the guy On the other side of me Again I'll text this picture to Nick So you can see How close the people were to me

They weren't like across the room This guy just wouldn't Fucking put his pants on And he was just like Just kind of keeled over And by the way Both of them keep Just pulling the curtains around They don't fucking put his pants on, and he was just like, just kind of keeled over. And by the way, both of them keep just pulling the curtains around. They don't fucking care about anything. So I just see this guy's ass, and I'm just waiting for him to shit at me.

Like, he, it was, it was just like, just, it was a fucking ass in my face. Yeah. It was a homeless ass in my face. And I was just waiting for it to fucking Vesuvius. I was just staring down the barrel of the business end, being like, Well, to be fair, they were probably like, this is white boy next to me who's just farting up a story. Bro, I was sitting on the edge of my bed in street clothes,

like someone who'd been arrested and was like, look, I'm not putting on a jumpsuit because I'm not like these people. Like they gave me. Leaving my fucking flannel on. They gave me the Johnny and the socks. I was like, I won't be that. Thank you very much. I'm better than these people here. That's so true. flannel on. They gave me the Johnny in the socks. I was like, I want that. Thank you very much. I'm better than these people here.

That's so true. Put that on. You guys, you can't tell the difference. You're all the same class. There's a stark difference between me and the people who are here. That's hilarious. Then eventually, so I'm there for probably. This is what now?

This ordeal is now going on like 18 hours? It was, yeah, probably something like that. Jesus. So you haven't slept or anything? I haven't slept at slept at all just watch a shitload of seinfeld and uh the ent finally comes like midnight is probably and uh go ahead and tell the people what uh what your uncle does for a living by the way not uncle cousin cousin doesn't tell them what your cousin does i know i'm not gonna tell that yet i didn't get it because it was later the so this the ent ear nose and throat doctor comes.

And the first thing she says to me is she goes, well, you look really good for someone in your condition. And I was like, what is my condition? What are you talking about? It's like no one has told me anything because my mom's not here to make them. Yeah, for real. The number one reason you need someone in the hospital with you is to be the like – Go get answers.

Yeah. It's like why you need a lawyer or an agent to do the negotiating. It's like I need to preserve the relationship with these people who are going to be like sticking me with needles and cutting me open. They can't dislike me. They need to dislike you. But we've got to get some answers or some pain medicine or some – you've got to get me moved or whatever. So you've got to – I need a proxy to be an asshole for me bro, I was without a doubt

the laughing stock of the ZR the doctors and nurses were like, that dude doesn't give a shit at all, he doesn't even care if we talk to him I'm sure they were filling out a chart and they were like, suicidal, yep why? have you seen him? he doesn't care at all this man clearly does not care about his wife

they were like I probably turned into an experiment let's just i probably turned into an experiment let's just see how long that's what i mean let's see if we can charge him rent let's see if he'll just fucking pay to stay here like i'm guaranteeing you there were there were young kids watching interns watching where they're like all right so this here's a patient who like is gonna ask no questions he's gonna have no problem We're going to teach you how to manage. I mean, you were no doubt something they had not seen in years. Absolutely ever.

People running around the whole time like, can you grab that? I was like, whatever. I'm Charger. I got a little annoyed when I had to stand behind the bed because the Charger wouldn't reach me laying in it. But I just stood behind the bed and just texted. If they brought you like a mop and a bucket, you probably would have been like the janitor. They're going to put you to work. Hey, can you clean this up while you're watching?

Sure. Sure. Absolutely. Thank you. You are a COVID hero. Thank you so much for getting it. Give me that broom. Give me that.

Get out of here. Go put your feet up. Go sit next to the guy who's going to poop on you. Or you're like. You're a disgusting knack. But then so finally she's like you're good what does that mean

well I made you an appointment with the ENT tomorrow I was like alright cool so I go home go to another

specialist the next day and she did not make me an appointment she just lied about that but the doctor no patient has ever gotten

less respect than John Feidelberg at lenox hill i get there i show them the paper and they're like yeah you don't have an appointment and i was like well they told me you made me one they're like when at midnight last night and i was like repeating it back to me sounds a little ridiculous you're right that checks out so you went at like a certain time and everything yeah yeah 3 30 and remember right after the interview i was like all right i gotta go um and uh so the doctor doctor saw me anyway and i haven't been to a doctor in 10 years and it is it is a wild experience like they are just they're just selling you on things yeah they're just they're just trying to get you to

buy like their special it was it was crazy first of all he was i told him right away to make my mom proud um i told him i chew tobacco pretty often and he's like he's like okay uh how much do you chew and i was like about a can a day and he's like wow that's that's a lot i've only been doing that i was like well i've been doing it probably like 17 years but you know that much probably 10 to 12 years and he's like oh that is he's like that is so much tobacco that is a staggering amount. I swear to God this is true. He checks me.

He checks my mouth, and he fucking puts a camera down my nose. I send you a picture of the camera they send down there. It's just fucking. They make noises going, like make my voice box do different things, like check different things. Did you puke? And I'm watching it.

No, I'm watching it. By the way, he also did this. He goes, they fucking stick the camera under your tongue to, like, to warm it up, I guess, so it doesn't get foggy. Like a thermometer guy? Yeah, and then they check both your nostrils. And it's not like your nostrils aren't going up. It comes into my head. Yeah.

And they check both nostrils with it to see which one's more open. And the motherfucker stuck it right back in my mouth after deciding on his nostril he goes he goes open up again and i go and i kind of look and he goes yeah i know it's like there's nothing else he's gotta put my fucking boogers back in my fucking head that's gross but he checks it all out checks my mouth checks it checks it, and he goes, and I fucking kid you not. He goes, if you're being honest about how much you dip, you show no signs of it. Wow. And I was like, are you calling me a bitch?

Are you calling me a fucking pussy? Give me a tin right now. I'll fucking chew the whole goddamn thing. I'll throw a double horseshoe right now, motherfucker. I'll chew the whole thing right in your fucking face. That doesn't surprise me, though. You're one of those guys, and much to your dismay, you're going to live to like 150. And you're going to be like, I just drank whiskey and chewed tobacco and ate Sour Patch Kids for the rest of my life.

Dude. But then he's like, all right, so when you were born, when you were in an embryonic sack. All right, we don't need that, man. Just say when I was little. Say when I was seven. He's like, you're an embryonic sack. Your thyroid moves down. Some people's break off.

And yours, you have a little piece down. It's like a centimeter. He says, give a piece that's way too low. And he's like, I thought that might be the cause of this, but it's not. What, and that piece would be infected or dead or something? Yes. Does it just dead yes i don't just go i don't really know floating around there and he's like he's like do you want some people like have it removed because there's like a very very very minuscule chance it turns to cancer

do you want to move removed we don't really do it anymore i was like do i want the elective surgery my neck and throat that you don't really do anymore. I'll probably skip that one, man. We're not really sure how to do this anymore, but we can figure it out. We'll slice you open, pick it out there. And then he's like, all right, all right. He checks it out. He's like, all right, he's not going to buy that. He's like, your nostrils, do you snore?

And I was like, yeah, I snore like a motherfucker. Yeah. I was like, you talk to anyone who's ever slept in the same vicinity as me. He's like, yeah, I can see in your nostrils. You want to get surgery to fix that? I was like, not right now. I'm focused on the throat thing at the moment. We can get around to that maybe. Bro, this guy's pitching a nose job while this dude's neck has a fucking goiter in it,

although you should have taken the nose job. I didn't even think of the snoring, man. We could have fixed that whole snoring issue. I'm probably going to do that. I'm probably going to do I'm probably gonna do that Yeah He probably sold me on it Yeah

He said like Surprise surprise John got Got the team rolled there He said it would fix the snoring He said it would Very much help with the snoring Yeah

And then And sleeping I had like an uncle Who got that once And he's like I didn't realize people slept Yeah yeah When my dad got the

Sleep apnea machine He started having dreams again. He was not sleeping sound enough for REM cycles and shit for like four years. I don't dream. People get mad at me every time I say it. My dad goes to bed in the 7 o'clock hour.

Primarily because he hates my mother and he wants to escape it by being unconscious. He's excited to go dream now. He wakes up and he's like, it was fucking amazing, man. I had this whole other life It was crazy Yeah It's like oh you haven't slept in 50 years dad

But yeah and then he was like He's like What do you think about a sleep test You want to take one of those And I was like no man I want to find out the throat thing Fix this But that was it

He gave me He gave me a different Actually no the hospital Was the one that gave me the prescription For a different Like dude they put so The hospital was the one that gave me the prescription for a different – dude, they put so many antibiotics in me. It was crazy. I had IVs.

I was getting shots. I got these horse pills I take now. Fucking monsters. Twice a day. I have to take them with ice cream. Just like regular old – No, you do not. No, for a treat.

Good job, Johnny. You remember your pills. Yeah, I take them with a bowl of ice cream. I was actually not drinking with him, so I was like, oh, man, I'm going to lose weight. It's going to be pretty sick for like two weeks. And I was like, I have about two bowls of ice cream a day. A day. I mean, two bowls of ice cream a day.

Start the day off with one, 9 o'clock. And then another one at 9. Well, breakfast and dinner. Yeah. Oh, and I do it right, too. Don't get me wrong. I do it right. Dress it up.

Yeah, these aren't just little fucking bowls of ice cream. How many scoops are we talking? Full bowl? Kevin, don't even get me started. I'm surprised you even put it into a bowl. You don't just eat it out of the pint thing. No, no. Oh, not the way I do it.

Kevin, first of all, I have ordered from a Cuban restaurant a bunch of fried plantains. Okay. So I pop those in a fucking mug. I'm a mug guy. I pop those in a mug, put a little peanut butter and chocolate on that, put those in the microwave, melt up the peanut butter and chocolate, mix it up with the fucking fried plantains. Fried sweet plantains, of course. And then I do a couple scoops of ice cream into a different mug. What kind of ice cream? up with the fucking uh with the plant the fried plantains fried sweet plantains of course and then i do a couple scoops ice cream into a different mug what kind of ice cream uh just vanilla because

it gets too much if you have other things whether you have the plantains and the melted butter and the melted chocolate and i get a bag of flips pretzels and i pound that into a little crisp right and then i fucking dump that on top of it. And then I top it with some mini M&Ms. And then I take my medicine. And a little pill on top to boot. And a cherry on top. My antibiotic. You are a child.

That's probably what they were like. They were like, this man-child is here, and we don't understand. His DNA is that of a 32-year-old man man but everything about him appears to be a small child you are a medical marvel these are the pills you're gonna take i was like with ice cream right yeah and just like regular old like penicillin or some shit didn't knock this out amoxicillin like whatever i'm taking uh yeah yeah and they're using a but it's not a mock and they just said like it's going good it's going down so you can go home yeah but no answer oh yeah but anyway so yeah

i'm gonna see another ear nose and throat specialist this week uh who is my cousin my mom told me that after seeing the third doctor she was by the way your cousin is not because my dad's like the premier ent in the world it's like literally one of the best ents in the world lives in new york city and i like, would you want to see her? Yeah, Pauly! Yeah, I probably want to see her. She's like,

yeah, that is a good idea. She gets like flown out to like when kings get a runny nose. It's like, a week ago. A week ago could have been

awesome information. My woman. So in her own world she has to give a shit about her own son dying i've been i've watched a lot of tv i haven't seen i watched hacks for anyone who's watching hacks uh or has seen hacks and wants to meet my mother you already have deborah it's deborah deborah vance that is one of the best like comparisons if someone ever said that about me, I'd be like, oh my god. All I aspire to be is Debra. When she's being mean to the... The girl, the writer?

No, not the writer, the nurse. And she goes, oh, she's Russian. She'll deal with it. I was like, Polly! That's Polly! Now that you say that, I can see a lot of things where she's like, oh, he'll be fine. Oh, that doesn't count, or whatever. Little things like that. In Polly's world, that's all that matters.

She'll be fine. Well, a lot of people were buzzing here in the office because a lot of people did remember that you called and said you were going to die by July 4th. I fucking called. So, I mean, we came pretty close. That one was suicide. suicide that was a straight up reference to scheduling your own suicide we're gonna go with a 10 spot on that one that was insane i made it clear when i said that i was like boy i hope i

make it i'll throw the other one in there we'll make it a clean 11 it's uh you know what's bullshit by the way uh i don't know who decided this back in the day whoever decided the seasons we need to reschedule them okay like it's summer right now but it's like not technically summer or like it's like barely summer you know what i mean like june 24th or some shit is the is the summer no it's like june fucking first you know june july august those are summer months and like it's not the winter until like the middle of december yeah now get the fuck out of here you know what i mean yeah we just need to restructure it it's just that we need to restructure the weeks to what sunday doesn't start the week monday starts the week. Monday starts the week. Right.

Sunday ends the week. Redo the calendar. Right, right. The, like, yes, I agree with that. 100%. Because that really is the toughest when I have this argument with people about the beginning or the end of the week.

When they throw the calendar out there, it is a tough one to argue. It's a... Because it's like, well, I don't know, somebody didn't even make a calendar, got it wrong. Right, yeah, just use your own common sense. Right.

When you're on a Sunday, are you feeling like, when you're hanging out on a couch on a Sunday, are you feeling like, well, get my week started. Start of the week. When you're on a Sunday, are you feeling like, when you're hanging out on a couch on a Sunday, are you feeling like, oh, get my week started? Start of the week. When, is Sunday a part of the weekend?

Yeah. It's the end of the week. It's the end of the weekend. So it's the most end of the week possible. It's the most simply logical thing probably in this world right now. It's fucking insane.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you not have a fucking brain? Okay, sure. Then Monday starts the week while you fart into the couch and order Domino's. Yeah, great start to the week. A lot of farting today.

You've been farting a lot, huh? Well, I haven't been drinking much, so I've been having good bowel movements. Heavens to Betsy. I said that one on purpose. But I'll tell you, yeah, real serious. But it's also real, isn't it? Yeah, it's a joke, but also very serious. God damn.

We found the solution. All right. Christ on the cross. Just good, clean poops. Oh. God. My. Regular, too.

Every morning. Stop. Stop. Stop. Fuck. Between that and Barstool vs. America, the entire episode, 30 minutes of Glennie Balls just being afraid to poop.

It was just every cut of the camera was back to Glennie being like, where am I going to poop? Where am I going to poop? I don't know. Go talk to Fido Bird. He's pooping all the fucking time apparently. Christ. It's our regularly scheduled time to make our regular PSA

that summer fucking sucks. It's the worst season of all. And these words are brought to you by Helix Sleep because they know that when it's the summertime and everything's going to be hot and sweaty, you've got to have a nice mattress that keeps you cool and keeps you comfortable. Otherwise, it's impossible to sleep during this godforsaken month. I've got to blast my AC and I've got to sleep in one of those Helix mattresses that is temperature controlled. I'm not talking like the memory foam type of temperature control. I'm talking about where that like scientific shit where, I don't know, it somehow keeps the air flowing or whatever. Moisture wicking.

Whatever they're talking about that keeps you cool and comfortable. It's like the other side of the pillow, but it's just constantly like that with Helix Sleep. What you do is you log on and you take a little quiz about the way that you like to sleep on Helix. You go to helixsleep.com and you talk about who you are and how you sleep and what you like to do in bed and how you like to lay and all this shit, and they put together the mattress that's customized for you.

Do you sleep on your back, on your stomach? Do you move around all night? Do you like it soft? Do you like it medium medium do you like it firm uh do you like it this size that size this model that model and they'll report back being like this is the mattress for you uh like i'm gonna go on there and i fucking hate the summer what is the best bed for that bam there it is also uh i i need i think i need to upgrade my bed because uh whenever i have my kids they they inevitably come out of their room and they crawl into bed with me. And now they're just like full-size grown humans.

And they both fall out of my bed the other night. And so at one point – Do they wake up? So one time – I like falling and just waking up on the floor. That's happened too. That's happened. This last time, Shay wakes up in the middle of the night.

She's in the bed. And she was like, Dad, I'm cold. Can you get me the blanket? Like, it fell off. And I'm like, hey, I'll see you tonight. Like, tug the blanket. It doesn't go anywhere. I'm tugging it.

It's, like, pretty fucking heavy. And I'm like, is this tucked in or whatever? So I give it a good yank. And it turned out Keegan had fallen out of the bed into the mattress into the the comforter so when i pulled it he kind of went like he did like a like a like a flop and like hit and it was like dad what i was like oh man get back in the bed so anyway i think i need a larger uh helix mattress you guys are gonna have to hook it up uh take the two minute sleep quiz they'll match you up with your customized mattress get the best sleep of your life 10 year warranty uh you can try it out for 100 nights if you don't have the best sleep quiz. They'll match you up with your customized mattress. Get the best sleep of your life. Ten-year warranty.

You can try it out for 100 nights. If you don't have the best sleep, they'll pick it back up for you. It gets delivered easy-peasy in that nice little box now. So it's the easiest process to get the best sleep ever. Go to helixsleep.com slash KFC. Get $200 off and two free pillows. Pillows are like $1,000 a pop now. It's crazy.

So this deal is astronomical. It's crazy. So this deal is, is astronomical. It's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, sleep.com slash KFC, get $200 off plus free pillows. People seem to question me on the validity or the, the veracity or the truth behind this take. I do it every year. I've done it every year, probably since I've been about 30. It's, it's one of the truest things I say. I fucking hate the summer and it's not for everyone. I used to love the summer. So if you are a kid in school, the summer's the best. I don't expect you to agree with me. If you are like in your mid twenties or even if you're older in life, but you're hanging on to like your childhood basically, or not your childhood, but like your, your adult, like

party years, the summer's awesome. I used to love going to the Hamptons, or not your childhood, but like your adult like party years. The summer's awesome. I used to love going to the Hamptons, going to the Jersey Shore, sloppy tuna, fucking beach, pool, all that shit. When those things stop, when you're not in school, so you don't just have three months off

for no fucking reason. What a rule that was, by the way. Just like, it's getting hot out. We're just gonna shut it down for a few months. When you don't, in Tallahassee, like it's, I think that is, it is the heat. That's why they stop. It's probably air conditioning. We're just going to shut it down for a few months. Tallahassee, I think it is the heat. That's why they stop? It's probably air conditioning and all that shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I started school earlier than my friends. Right. Because they wanted to get you in so you could get you out. In August because they got an annual. By the way, it's no fucking better. No. August in Tallahassee sucks.

Right. You're just getting the hot months in the beginning instead of the end. It's kind of crazy. So if you don't get summers off, and you're not taking advantage of the beach life, because if you're an adult with fucking responsibilities, or you're not partying. And a responsibility is just a job. Yeah, really. And a responsibility is a presenter doing things. You have a job, and then you have the weekends.

So like I said, when I was in my mid-20s i would go to the jersey shore or the hamptons and it was worth traveling every single weekend because the beach was awesome the bars were awesome partying in the house fucking people getting all your friends together when that all stopped like i don't want to travel every fucking weekend anymore you know i mean i don't have that fun to look forward to. Probably around late 20s. When I first moved to New York, I went to Newport every single weekend. Every weekend. And that's crazy because you're going a long way.

I would always do Long Island or Jersey. But yeah, you're going all the way up to Rhode Island. And it's amazing. So at that point, summer, the best times of my life have been those ages during the summer. But now, summer's the worst. If you don't have that vacation and you don't do any of the fun shit, summer is just your regular old mediocre life, but now you're sweating. And now you have to wear shorts like a goddamn fucking loser

looking ridiculous 30-year-old plus man wearing shorts. And your legs are pale because you don't just lay out in the sun anymore. You know, I got Portnoy chirping me, being like, oh, yeah, this summer sucks, KFC. Well, yeah, I don't have $200 million. It's not a fucking fantasy land for me where everything is a fucking vacation. If you are rich and living in, like, the tropical world all year round, yeah, it's probably pretty fucking awesome. But if you're in the city, in New York City or any city, really really summer's terrible yeah i'm i'm waiting to find a hooligan child and ask him to to fucking uh break off the fire uh yes fire party in the fucking uh fire hydrant fire

hydrant like let's fucking let's get a fucking big gulp let's put it on there let's direct this because like i can't do i can't i can't get out to the hamptons i i've never been to the hamptons and i'm way back when like that was worth it. So I'm not going out there. And I'm just like, I'll stay in the middle of Seventh Avenue. What did Trump say? Like, I could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue? I'll stay in the middle of Fifth Avenue, put the fucking fire hydrant on me, and Trump can shoot me. I'm fine either way.

I need the fire hydrant or a bullet. When I take my kids to the park in the Bronx, there's this, you put your hand on this little uh pole put a little handprint on it and it sends off these like sprinklers it's it's like summer in the hood it's like just it's like a grimy blacktop playground but you can just put your hand in and sprinklers pop off and i'm like this is what we need to do to make this season bearable we're in the middle of the fucking bronx and we're all gonna play in this fucking like recycled water in a goddamn public playground fuck this season man again i mean yeah it's like a poor people summer yeah if you have if you have money and no responsibilities summer's probably awesome everybody else out here what's to enjoy if you're like you know mid-30s with the family with responsibilities with the job

not partying and not getting summers off it's just now uncomfortable dude i this morning i fucking i worked out whatever not to brag um and uh works out after like almost dying you're such a fucking asshole well yeah i got a new lease on life kev yeah oh yeah um i got a new lease on life and i worked so i worked out this morning And I took a shower And I was still so hot And disoriented And tired from working out This is a disgusting story Just so you know, Javi

Buckle up It's not that gross It's kind of gross It's not gross I sat down after the shower I dried off I sat down on my bed And I was just like

And I just kind of sat there for a while And just again I was like disoriented and tired I'd exercise And I sat there for long enough To the point where I was so wet again and so disoriented enough where I was like, I don't even remember if I showered or not. I don't remember what this water is from.

Could be water. It could be another round of sweat. I still don't know. It doesn't happen in the fall, John. To be totally honest, I just put on a shirt and came here. Doesn't happen in the fall. Doesn't happen in the winter. I don't know if I was like. That's disgusting.

That is disgusting. Like, it was. I shower. I can definitively say that. That is disgusting. But I don't know if I was just not dry or if I was just sweating again. And judging by how much this shirt stuck to me, it was sweat. It was sweat.

It was sweat. It was sweat. It was sweat. It was sweat. I was super sweat. But, and then, oh, don't get, the fucking worst part of summer is, again, all that stuff, but it's the fucking ensembles, because I can't, this is always my problem with things, I can't dress nice in the summer. I look like a fucking homeless teenager. Yeah.

All the time. Look at me right now. I look ridiculous. You do. I look ridiculous. Yeah. You know what the problem is do yeah i mean these shorts that everyone says is a bathing suit it's not they're just waterproof shorts but this they're different

they're different things they're different things they're just shorts to swim in yeah yeah sure you can call me shorts to swim in don't tell me i'm wearing a bathing suit i'm not wearing a bathing suit these are those are bathing suits these are bathing suits available right now in the barstool Sports Store. We got the good old-fashioned just plain black with the moon man on the bottom. We've got the sky blue with the moon man on the back pocket. And everybody's personal, my personal favorite and everybody's favorite here, the rainbow slash like, what's that called, like ombre or whatever?

I'm going to call it like sherbert. No, call it ombre. Ombre, you like that? Yeah. With the moon man right there on the bottom right leg. Now the rainbow and the blue are 5-inch inseams, and this, the black, is the 6-inch inseam. We put the netting in the blue and the rainbow on the hombre

because I learned that when you have longer shorts, you're wearing board shorts back in the day, you don't have to worry about your dick and balls. This new trend with five-inch inseams, like you squat down or something, your frankenbeans are coming out. Mostly beans. A lot of beans. If you're a long ball guy, it's the beans.

Me and Johnny Knox. You can cut out the net. I gave you the choice. You can always remove a net. You can't put a net back in if you've got long balls. Also, and this is maybe a long ball situation, I appreciate the support. Oh, I do too, but the netting is not the most – you need another material in there, I feel like. No, I like the net.

You like the net? Yeah, like a nice little fucking breezy. And it gives you like the – you get like the waffle, the imprints on your skin. Yeah, my dick skin's weird enough. Everyone's ball skin's weird. What are you talking about? Everyone's come around here like you have fucking pristine ball skin. You got weird ball skin.

Ball skin. Ball skin sounds like the last name of someone from Bratislava. Mr. Ball Skin. I am the Russian premier. I am Vladimir Ball Skin. Everyone in the room has seen a pair of balls. Terrible. They're weird skinned. They're the worst. I'm Vladimir Volskin. Everyone in the room seen a pair of balls. Terrible. They're weird skinned.

They're the worst. It's a weird skin. What do you think is weird? Are the balls or the vagina? Oh, the vagina for sure is the weirder thing. Like we're just talking about in general what's weird. Yeah. Vagina.

You kidding me? By the way, you got one in your throat. What? You have one in your throat. A vagina in my throat? Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, like when you look down at it with the camera? Kevin, it looks exactly like a pussy.

It is. I was opening it and closing it. I was going, eee. Get me to go, eee. And I was thinking, I'd see it open and close. And I was like, oh, that's a pussy. That's just a pussy. Doc, let's call it what it is.

That's a pussy. I think we got to the root of the problem here. I have reproductive organs in my throat. I be pregnant i ate so much pussy my throat turned into one doc that's how not that's how many dicks i'm not sucking so much pussy i have one this is so confusing you don't see what i'm doing it's a pussy have you ever seen the tiktok by the way, of the cup with no lid. No. I don't know if it's famously TikTok viral or not. I only see TikToks when they make it to Twitter.

Well, I saw it on one of my meme accounts that I follow. Give me some of those. I don't know how to follow meme accounts. I have all these stupid meme accounts that I follow, and then I'll see something, and I don't know which one it is. You know what I mean? I'm like, fuck, which is it? But, oh, I got to find it.

We'll put it in. It's like this technologically advanced coffee cup that doesn't need a lid because when you twist it, it, like, spirals shut and spirals open. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen that. It looks like a bottle. And so the guy is like, is twisting it and this guy's like, I'm going to fuck that cup. It's like everybody in the world saw that cup

and thought about fucking it immediately. Anyway, buy the shorts. I don't know how we got there. But what I was going to say was, so I started to feel better mostly yesterday but a little bit Saturday.

So I was like, getting some fresh air. I'm going for walks. Not the weekend to do it. But one, because of heat. Two, lots of people. I walked through. Well, brother, I mean, pride is out of control. This is what I mean.

So I walked through. First of all, I didn't check the Twitter. Oh, boy. That's an old statement. I thought you were going to say the Twitter something. The emails? They're just emails. Yeah.

I didn't check the Twitter. Yeah, I knew it was Pride Month. I didn't know it was this weekend. It was the finale. Yeah, so they went hard. And so I just walked out in athletic shorts, Birkenstocks with no socks, and a barstool t-shirt. Oh, God. I had parades going down both sides, both avenues by my apartment.

And so the first one, just walking through it, I committed about four hate crimes. It was just reading the signs. I was like, oh, Jesus Christ. I can't even see these things. One said, N-word trans dykes, which I'm not sure is a word I can say.

Said it. Pretty harshly, in fact. N-word trans dykes are still being fucking murdered. And I was like, that's awful. I don't know what to do about that. That sucks.

And then I made eye contact with the person with the sign and gave him the ultimate. I just panicked. I was's like nice to see it because i was just like it wasn't like this i don't know about the other person but this one wasn't like they weren't like the bike racks like i could just walk just yeah yeah yeah right right right and and it was just like all of them were like oh i can't say that oh goodness i couldn't possibly say that i just had like my head down like oh boy you're lucky you didn't get rocks thrown at you. There's a straight white male walking through here.

Straight white male. And then you get covered with the fucking, I was like, well, I can't abandon my people now. So I'm walking three blocks like, all right, here we go, here we go, here we go. Just like, that was enough time, I think. I can't get out of here now. And then, so then I fucking go back, and I'm going back towards 8th Avenue, where it was the, I think that was, I think this one was pretty trans-heavy. The one on 7th or 6th, whatever it was. And then 8th was pride-heavy. There's a lot going on.

Yeah. Because then also the Derek Chauvin verdict or sentencing came down. So there was Black Lives Matter going on. And then there was also a Palestinian thing going on. So there was like – Heavens. I didn't know the other two. The Palestinians, the black people. It was like, oh, and as a white person, it was like, get the fuck out of here.

You are white. I was an ally. I walked for three blocks. I'm so sick of the ally talk. I'm so sick of the ally. Normalize being an ally, Kevin. I heard a story. This girl went to a party this weekend. I'm so sick of the ally talk. I'm so sick of the ally. Normalize being an ally, Kevin. I heard a story.

This girl went to a party this weekend. A song came on. It was by Harry Styles, and she didn't know it. She was like, wait, who is this? Is this Justin Bieber? And they go, well, you're not an ally. She had to leave the party. That's awesome. The fucking ally talk is madness.

But we got so many allies now. I'm going to keep saying ally. I love it. All right, fine. You can be the Axis Evil. So I'm walking towards 8th, and there's a guy behind me. Probably, I don't know. We'll call him Middle-Aged Gentleman.

And he just goes, say no to homosexuality. Like, he just didn't have it in him anymore. Like, this guy's been fighting the fight. He lost. Like, he said it so quietly. He was just like, say no to homosexuality. Just to himself.

He's still just trying to convince himself. He would have gotten more fucking attention for it if he said it while he was drowning himself in a sink. Like, I was like, bro, who is this for? You've lost. You've lost. He was like that fucking Japanese soldier in the Philippines who, like, was there for, like, 40 years, like, still fighting the war. Yeah, it's like, bro, it is over.

You lost. Good day, sir. You fucking need. I got to tip my cap to people still fighting. Yeah. The bigots who are still fighting against progress. Hats off to that, Mr. Ally. Just to fucking really, like, yeah, you have, look, they're in a foxhole by themselves,

and they're still fucking firing. This is a tough weekend, man. This is like you are going down with the ship if you're still out there preaching the word of God and the Bible doesn't guide. This guy didn't have any God stuff on him. I think he just hated gay people. I think this was just strictly a personal thing. It wasn't between him, God, and the gays. This was just him and the gays.

This was a one-on-one fight. He was not doing well. Pride in New York City is, I i mean you yeah you've lost if you are still against homosexuality take a look at this and you pack it up and be like oh they've won yeah they're this is their victory lap every june and the end of june it is out of control i mean there's just dicks and balls and assholes out galore bro it's It's just crazy. It was awful. Awful being a straight white man yesterday as I walked through these things. I'm surprised you didn't just – I'm surprised you just didn't come out right then. Nice fucking –

I could see you being like, if you can't beat him. No, I wouldn't have let me. That is true. No, thanks, dude, in the fucking Birkenstocks and Barstool shirt and a fucking Eastern Connecticut rugby short. You don't even know where those came from. I'm surprised you did not get hate crimes reversed. Like a reverse hate crime.

Straight white man just beaten to death at the pride parade and they take a look at him and they go, oh, okay. Bro, if I pop my top off and was like,

I'm gay too, they'd be like, no you're not. No you're not. He's going through a phase. At best he's curious. At best he's on the Kinsey scale, like somewhere. No, no, we don't blame you.

I heard you eat so much pussy you got one in your throat. You are not fucking gay, sir. Dude, gay guys are all so in shape. They start using all the excuses they use on kids who are gay. He's just confused at the moment. Put your shirt on. Go fucking watch Criminal Minds. And chill out, you hetero pussy.

Oh my God. Well, it's good, though. They can have it and I'll stay inside in the air conditioning. Gotta get mine fixed. Just been too lazy. You haven't had air conditioning for long? Nope. What have you been doing? Sleeping on the couch. Ah, but you have air conditioning there. Yeah, not very

good, though. Oh my God. I've been hot. You see what's going on in the Pacific Northwest? What I've been doing, Sleeping on the couch. But you have air conditioning there. Yeah, not very good, though. Oh, my gosh. I've been hot. You see what's going on in the Pacific Northwest? What have I been doing? I've been being hot. The heat dome? It's just exactly what it sounds like. It's like there's an air pressure system that's just creating a dome over all of Oregon and Washington and shit.

And it's just trapping in the heat. And they're used to shit that's, like, so moderate. There's a lot of places that just don't even have air conditioning, which is preposterous. I feel like unless you live in, like, the Arctic, you need to make sure you have the air conditioning. And they're just, like, so it's going to hit, like, 120. It's, like, blowing all their temperature records out of the water. It's, like, 107 every day.

These are places that just don't even have air conditioning. I bet the Pacific Northwest gets as humid as a bitch, too, right? Absolutely. It's all wet and shit. Oh, I would absolutely kill myself before living there. I would leave for the next two weeks. Be gone. Yeah, it's like how I'll never get killed by a tornado.

I'll never get caught in a heat dome. Never. If there's a dome, I'm gone. This is doming gone bad. This is doming the bad side of doming. Well, my time spent while you were dying was kind of the polar opposite. I'm jet-setting around the country, going to fucking basketball games. I was lucky enough to share a plane and a suite with the newest celebrity on the internet, Dana Beers.

I would tell you right now if I stole your fucking adult socks. Dude, I went to this place. I'm genuinely telling you I did not steal your fucking adult socks. Dude, I went to this place. I'm genuinely telling you. I did not steal your fucking socks. Who is also racking it up on Cameo, bro. He's going to make more money than all of us doing Cameo. Cameo is the best way to kind of brighten up somebody's day. How many times, you know, we just went through it with Father's Day.

That's where I put it out there saying, you don't know what to get your dad you're going to get him some something shitty just spend a few bucks on a cameo and get him a personalized message from his favorite actor athlete hero who whatever i can't i cannot tell you how much my dad loved and i think he thinks like almost like seinfeld's dad where he's like fell off a truck like yeah he's like real i knew john hannah so I got the video. That's the thing. If you get it for like older people or people who aren't on the internet as much, they don't understand what's going on. They just think that somehow, someway you put in a call, put in a favor, and you've got their – the biggest actor in the world is giving them a shout out.

It's just a nice like a little like slice of – it's like like i i did one the other day for uh i did a bunch hyping up a bachelor party we just want like we just want to play this for like the beginning of the bachelor party being like let's fucking go or these guys who do like a golf uh invitational every year they do a beer olympics and it's just like it's a little added something that you can get from uh you know people in sports people in I mean, Dana Beers is doing them now. It's like you want a video of Dana chugging? You can pay him a few bucks, and you can send it on to your friends. Be like, look at Dana Beers.

When he went up on the Jumbotron, man, that was a cameo. The place went wild. So you can basically go get that personalized wherever you want. You can book it with me. You can get it with Snoop, Floyd Mayweather, David Asselhoff, Tony Hawk, Ice Cube. I mean, there's a bunch of names. But really, just me. Just go get me.

You can book me now. I go hard. I'll give you your money's worth. So go to Cameo.com to request a personalized video from whatever star you want. But again, make it me. Go to mine. Go to Cameo.com. Go to KFC Barstool.

I was with the celebrity dana beers so pen had this uh had this event where they had pen national had all their like high roller gamblers so all like the biggest winners and biggest players on the sports book combined with a few others that just won like a random contest so if you place the bet in this one uh pool of theirs then you could be randomly selected so it was like our high rollers mixed with some of our just regular bettors. And then they wanted to hang out with some Barstool people and watch the Bucs. Originally, the entire world thought, all right, this will be in Philly or Brooklyn. And that didn't work out.

So they're like, I guess we got to go to Milwaukee. And Penn has this baller private jet that's not like one of these like rinky-dink puddle jumpers. It's like a fucking plane. Which is fucking those are the only kinds I've taken those scare me to be honest sure but that does like when they're when you walk on and they have to distribute the weight when they're like alright fat guys over here skinny people over there that kind of scares me

bro I've been so hung over just tangled with gas and shit cause like they're like all the seats are facing each other yeah you're like knee to knee I was just taking southwest guys honestly it's kind of the same shit right this was like a couch two couches three or four like individual leather chairs they fully stocked it they went all out it's once you fly private like that you can't go back you just you can't go back and so we fly into milwaukee walking walking onto the plane so that's really what i learned from this whole experience between

pen hooking it up with the plane and then the suite we walk on the tarmac we just walk right up we could have brought all the columbian blow we wanted uh it's like oh i now i understand how they smuggle things they just buy one of these planes i always wonder like how do you get past this oh it just doesn't matter uh so there's your drugs, and you have no, you know, worry about your belt and your laptop and your shoes. Like, none of that unsophisticated bullshit. You just walk right up. Anytime you also, walking up a flight of stairs into a plane instead of one of those hallway things, you feel like a fucking president. I feel like I might fly a Delta, and they make me walk across the runway.

What? Like, sometimes when you fly up, like, on, like, your regular flight. Do they? Oh, yeah. On, walk across the runway. What? Sometimes when you fly up on a regular flight. Do they? Oh, yeah. On the shuttle, maybe? I feel like when I fly on a major plane, it's usually the hallway thing that connects to the gate. You've never walked out onto the runway?

I don't think so. I have numerous times. People hear it, right? Yeah. On a regular flight? You? What? Just walked out on the runway kind of deal?

Like, you know, from the airport, you're at your gate and then you walk like. Perfect. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like I'm the president. I feel like I'm getting on Air Force One when I walk up there. I feel like I'm like very big. And I'm going to squeeze into my seat.

This was Teterboro and had like a hangar too. And you see like a full-size fucking hangar with multiple planes in it and shit. I'm like, it feels like air for area 51. So between that, just hopping on there. And then when we get to,

we got to Milwaukee, they were awesome. The, the five serve center, whatever it is, they were like right this way. We went like into the basement and like the depths of the fucking place. And then up to our suite,

no security or waiting or tickets there. It was like, that's, that's my new, you know, like if I had a superpower or if I like that's that's my new you know like if i had a superpower or if i would rather have you know xyz dollars or just never have to wait for anything again the no waiting on the plane and the suite was just unreal uh and then we watched the bucks

beat the shit out of the hawks and the buck people in milwaukee are like loving it i mean this is like what they this is the moment for them. This is their team. Those games in particular are sick. Like a playoff game with a blowout is... You know, Brooke Lopez hitting threes, the place is going bananas, they're just running up the score, having a blast. I've obviously been fortunate enough to go to many playoff games in my life, and there have been some sick overtime wins and close wins and shit like that. 28-3 comebacks. 28-3 is a pretty good one.

But two of my best games I've ever been to were game three of the Stanley Cup Finals 2011. The Bruins won 6-1, maybe something like that. I forget. Just a beatdown. It was just an absolute beatdown. And then Pats, the deflate gate game. The Colts game where we beat the shit out of the Colts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's when they did that ridiculous trick play, right? I don't even remember. I don't know. I got us fucked up. I don't know. I got us fucked up. I don't know if I remember. But it was like, it was just like one of those things where like in the first quarter, this game's over. Let's just drink and fuck the party.

And then you're making a mockery of the other. They keep going on. It's like, ah! You're playing with confidence. You're not even tired. They're not putting up a fight. So you're just like, this is a blast. And Dana, so they, i can't even believe this

and i'm happy for him but at the same time uh i'm just like what when when they found out that dana beers was coming the the bucks and the nba called up Penn and were like, we heard Dana's coming. Shut up. Really? Like insane. Bro, how much longer is he going to have a different job than just being the beer guy? So I'll tell you about it in a second. He still does like fucking video production.

Because I had a conversation with him. I know. I know. So we arrive in Milwaukee. They present him with a customized Bucs jersey with his name on the back. 69 and whatever Dana's fucking Bacacatari, whatever his fucking name is.

Yeah. So then they tell him that they're going to put him on the Jumbotron and he's like, this is my moment. They thought that, I keep forgetting this guy's name, the Packers offensive lineman who's had all the games in chugs.

We're getting close enough. It's David McCarthy, McCarthy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's like nervous as fuck now because he's like, this is my fucking moment. And we're like, what are you going to do? How long do I have? When is it going to be? And they kind of gave him like a – like it's going to be in first half and then they're like it'll be roughly around that and you can

see like dude was like like nervous like what am i gonna do when's it gonna happen i told him i said it was like being at a being like a best man at a wedding where you just got to get to the speech and then you can have fun yeah yeah so this is like his speech his moment, and they put up Sheryl Crow on the thing. They put up Chance the Rapper on there. Donald Driver got, like, a real, like, pop, like, big one. But then they're like, please welcome Barstool Sports, and they put, like, all of us on it. But then they, like, zoom in to Dana, and they put Dana beers up.

And he stands up, and he points to the back. The crowd goes wild. He chugs one beer, chugs a second beer, and then Casey stands up and pours a Tallboy Miller Lite, and he points to the back. The crowd goes wild. He chugs one beer, chugs a second beer, and then Casey stands up and pours a Tallboy Miller Lite, and he's yugging it. And he takes it, hits his head, he spikes it. Now, there is beer going everywhere. And, you know, if it was in Brooklyn,

I could see some, like, hipster Brooklyn assholes being like, oh, get off of me. This isn't even an IPA. And if it was in Philly, who knows? We got people fucking pulling a knife to shank you. The people in Milwaukee were happy to have Dana Beers spill Miller Lite all over them. It was like, thank you, thank you, waving up to the suite. It was unbelievable.

The amount of guys who were just like, Dana Beers! beers i mean he's a full-blown fucking beer drinking celebrity and i said to him like you know he was talking about like he's got to like get home and or sometimes gotta go back down to mississippi for a couple months and i was like fuck man like is that what you want to do and he's kind of like well i gotta i gotta do like my other job and i'm like do you really i mean this is like big. He's got like 200,000 followers now. Like the fucking bucks know you're coming. Like this is a big deal. You've got a zillion beers.

You've got some shit here. And he was just like, how much longer can I keep doing this? Like, if I'm 28 years old, it's going to kill me. So he does understand. Like while he's chosen like to monetize and celebrity-atize drinking beer, that also comes at a cost of, like, I have to drink beer non-fucking-stop. But if there's one guy who can do it, it's him. I mean, it's impressive.

He throws him back. And then the Packers guy DMed him and said, if we make it to the finals, you're coming with me. But what if it's game five? I mean, he said finals, so I mean, I, he said final. So I don't know. Yeah. Now, once Dana did the beer tweet, the bucks went on like a 40 to 13 run.

So if I'm the bucks, I'd be flying him back in like, you know, right away. But I also didn't realize that this was, I saw the video of the celebrities. I don't know why I put it. They're all celebrities of the celebrities at the Milwaukee game, but I didn't realize that it went from that into the next. No, it didn't do it like right away. But it was like they were doing it like at this commercial break and this commercial break. I see, I see.

And then Barstool. But Dana got his own one there. And it was – so then we come back. We leave at like the fourth quarter. Fly back. Oh, man. So back-to-back moments on the way home. So Penn has this girl who's awesome, who, like, runs kind of their events

and is kind of like hospitality coordinator, and she's kind of like your liaison almost to, like, bring you around and show you the plane and take us to the game and all that. Beautiful chick. She's a rocket. She's fun. She's a party girl. She, like, knows her shit.

So we're on the plane And she's like pouring out tequila shots And getting everybody drinks And I'm obviously over the hill So I'm like no I'm good I'm just like sipping a beer Having some wine Nothing crazy

They're pouring out They have this tequila bottle That has like The top is like a bell And you can like What is it? Azul Azul yeah

Oh the blue and white one Yeah yeah So everyone's like hitting the bell And all that shit And I'm kind of like Ah you know I'm very low key And so

Then On the way there And then We're getting more friendly Everyone's talking On the way back She's like Like come on

Why aren't you partying And I'm sitting there And at this point Everyone's pretty tired and drunk And I'm like I have I probably have fucking kids Who are closer to your age

Than you are to me And I was joking And she was like you are to me. And I was joking. And she was like, no, you fucking don't. And I was like, how old are you? And she was like, I'm 21. And I was like. And so I do the math. And she literally does.

She literally is closer to Shay than I am to her. Really? No. Shay's turning six. She's 21. I'm 36. It's like 15 and 16 years. I was like, holy fucking shit.

I hope the plane crashes right now. I mean, that is a harrowing moment. That was like, oh, I really didn't mean it at first. And then I was like, because I thought she was like, I don't know, 24, 25. Yeah. Oh, my God. But she was surprised. So I was like, okay. You know what I mean? She wasn't like. Oh, my God. But she was surprised.

So I was like, okay. You know what I mean? She wasn't like, oh, yeah, you fucking old deadbeat. So I at least have that going for me. So that was already a moment of kind of like dejection. Then we get back to Teterboro. And we shout out to Spider, who I always make sure that there's Ubers waiting when you get off the plane. We forgot about that. So we got to get an Uber.

It's got to come all the way to this private terminal. So it's, you know, life's tough. We had to wait 15 minutes for the Uber. So we're sitting there. It's like 2 in the morning. Like I said, everyone's pretty tired and drunk. And a couple other planes who just did the same thing in Milwaukee land in Teterboro and come through the same terminal.

And this one guy's like, hey, are you guys Bucs fans? Because Dana and Marty had bought some gear. And they're like, tonight we were not really. It was just a thing. And he's like, oh, all right. Well, like, did you go to the game? And he's like, yeah. And he said, like, who brought you there?

I'm like, what do you mean, dude? Like, we brought ourselves there. He's like, what company? And I was like, well, it's Barstool, but it's Penn. And in my mind, I'm like, anybody who's here is probably an important person because they're not flying private, but whatever. I'm beat at this point, mad that the Ubers aren't there. And he's like, we're like, it's Barstool, but we have this company with Penn, and they're the ones that are playing.

It's just a thing, man, you know? People aren't even, like, making eye contact with this guy. And he goes, all right, well, I own the team, so thanks for the support guys just like the greatest most subtle flex well i own the franchise that you just like flew to watch uh and then immediately i kick into gear and i'm like, he's like, we're like, oh my god wow, that's amazing, like we love the you know, they blew him out tonight and he's like

what were you guys doing, so I showed him the Dana Jumbotron video and he like got a kick out of it, he loved it, and he's like alright like have a good one guys, like see you later you fucking dumb assholes and he goes, great networking boys yeah, like totally didn't get a picture, didn't get a

you know, shake a hand and remind him we're Barstool Sports. Mark Lassery, $1.8 billion network. Fucking billionaire. Primary owner. There's, like, three guys who own the Bucs, but I think he's, like, the head honcho. And I'm sitting there, like, I'm tired. Bro, can you just leave me alone? Can't you see I'm dejected at this moment?

Like, it's 2 o'clock in the morning. I'm tired. Bro, can you just leave me alone? Can't you see I'm dejected at this moment? It's 2 o'clock in the morning. I'm old. I just met this girl who's fucking my daughter's age. Pouring shots. Just leave me alone for a minute, please. It was something, man. It was something. But I will say this about Dana Beers.

Just today, I'm walking by the Yak radio room, and they pull me in, and they ask me if I've ever butt-chugged. I was like, no. Dana Beers just casually dropped it twice. He's butt-chugged. And he was like, it's college, dude. You butt-chugged? You butt-chugged?

Get the fuck out of here. I don't even know if we can talk about this without it being some sort of harassment. I thought you knew this. Jackie's butt-chugged? I thought you knew this. No. She dropped this subtly once, and I was like, did nobody react to that? I also don't know if we can talk about this.

Yeah. Kevin, let's leave the room. Jackie, you tell the story. You put a funnel in your ass and drank out of it? Get on the mic, girl. I'm going to look over here while you do it, but get on the mic. Holy shit. I'm going to look you dead in the eye while I have it.

Which this might be making it weirder. I don't care. I don't know. Oh, my God. I basically, and I didn't even use the funnel. I mean, you guys are making it so much. You definitely didn't use the funnel right. I know that. you guys are making it so much. You definitely didn't use the funnel right. I know that.

You guys are making it so much more awkward. All right, Jackie, tell the story. No, you know what? Keep going. That lasted half a second. Basically, so I didn't even use the funnel, so I don't even know if I could say it was. What do you mean you didn't use the funnel?

I can't. No, I know. That's why I don't even know Know if I could say that I did But basically My Like We just flipped me upside down And my friends

Who's the we? Okay My friends and I Okay Cause we were curious about it Cause like It gets the job done faster That's what they say

And I was really hung over And I was like I can't like Put this In my stomach right now Next time Next time this happens I'll get you an IV.

Or just drink. I was hungover. I got a bottle of beer up my ass. Yeah, but it's called being a trooper. Most people smoke a joint. I don't know. I'm going in other ways. Okay, so you're a trooper.

You're on your back. Yeah, no. Yeah, no. I'm like on my hands. Okay. And like my friends are holding. Okay, I see. I see. Like, wait. I'm like on my hands. Okay. And like my friends are holding. Okay, I see, I see. Wait, I didn't see what she was doing.

Yeah, like a splayed out, like a splayed man. Like a fucking flayed man. What am I trying to say? A keg stand? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't even talk. And then it was just like a bottle cap size of tequila. Oh, she did a shot in your ass.

It was a shot. You did a shot with your asshole. Holy shit. Yeah. And then there was another time. And I don't know if this was just in my head, but one time at Coachella, we were like, I was trying, like, I was like the mule, like a smuggling mule. Yeah, you were, apparently. Apparently.

No, no. Back of that thing. No, no, no. Before, like, I wasn't, it wasn't like, like, like keeping anywhere, but I was just like, I stuffed like our tequila, like in my skirt. And then again, sorry. And then, but then it leaked. And then, I don't know what happened, but somehow I got like 20 times drunker than I should have.

So I think I like- That one sounds like a Ruthie, Charlie. Like I sat in tequila once. Next thing I knew, I was drunk. Anyway, that's my story. Wow. Wow. Wow. Which of your friends...

We're going to put it on a podcast, Jack. You know what we're going to do. And one of your friends was just the chosen one to like put it in there? So they just poured it in? But was there like like, a tube? You guys still are making eye contact. I don't think I'll ever make eye contact. Maybe ever again.

Ever again. They just... Call HR, just check on some things. Yeah. It was the thing is, like... So you didn't use a funnel. I didn't use a funnel. But did you use, like, a tube?

It was, like, hard to aim. And, like, but we just, like... So you just poured tequila in your asshole? Yeah, I was like sticky Like a lot of it missed Mike is hiding, Mike is hiding The new guy I don't know what to do with this material right now

I meant like my back was sticky I'm just gonna like stop talking So you didn't butt funnel They meant like my back was sticky because they like meant. I'm just going to like stop talking. So you didn't butt funnel. I don't know if you ever have. It just sounds like someone poured tequila on your butt. I didn't like got in there. Did it get in there?

Yeah, it did. But like it wasn't like next time. We were like next time we're going to funnel it. Was there a next time? No. Yeah. Wow. I feel like they did an airplane now. I picked a bad going to funnel it. Was there a next time? No. Yeah. Wow. I'll let you guys update it.

I feel like they did an airplane now. They picked a bad week to stop drinking. Holy shit. Wow. John, are you allowed to butt chug right now? I've never butt chugged. I've done cocaine-ist, but I've never done butt chug. Cocaine-ist? You've done that?

Yeah. How do you do that? Straw? You just put your finger in your butt. That's funny. It's a real fucking rocket shot. That's it going. What I think is crazy about the beer, like, that makes more sense.

The tequila. Yeah, beer is just too much liquid in your ass. It's like, you know, if you do a 12-ounce, 24-ounce, 36-ounce beers. How do you drink it? I've seen Steve-O do it. Steve-O's the only one I've ever, like, witnessed. Because when you funnel regular beer, when you funnel with your mouth, like, you can pour, what? I think people pour, like, three beers in there usually, right?

Aren't the funnels, like, pretty? The ones I've done were, like, big. I mean, you could do big. I remember being, like, just one. The only one I did was, like, big, and I remember being, and i remember being like worried about it but it just you know it just goes down your fucking gullet and i feel like it goes up your fucking ass but doesn't like i can't like come back out yeah like i figured look i've seen things this is a beer enema yeah i've seen people put things in their butt they just kind of push it out yeah like like milk and stuff rubber duckies

fucking strawberries i'm talking strictly liquid i've seen liquids in butts they come out pretty Like milk and stuff. Rubber duckies. Fucking strawberries. I'm talking strictly liquid. I've seen liquids in butts. They come out pretty fast. Not enough time to get drunk in there. I just got to ask fucking Dana Beers. Dana Butt. Dana Beers and the B stands for beers in my butthole.

That's like when I had E. coli and they put a pill up my ass. Yeah, the suppository. And they were like, you got to keep this in. And I was like, all right. And I like, I clenched my cheeks. I made it like halfway down the hallway. I was like, I'm going to shit. And I feel like I do the same thing with a fucking 12 ounce beer in my ass.

I'm going to get this out of you guys. Like, cool. The moment's over. We had our fun. I can't fucking drink it. I can't put it in my stomach. There's no way to just leave beer in your ass and then piss it out, right? No!

I don't have a great understanding of the medical body. I just learned it's a pussy in your throat. There is no pathway from the colon to the bladder, right? It just doesn't exist. I don't think so. You'd have to travel all the way up and around. I mean, it does not happen. It's like a Hot Wheels racetrack. It's like the screen machine, the loops that you have to do to get in there.

It's just not working. Man, what a moment we just had. Holy moly. I am. I have very few times in my life been rendered and I don't know where to go from here

so we're going to talk about Shady Race the glasses that I just got two pairs I got the they're both blue they're both like the one I always mix up frames and lenses. One lens, you know, where it like connects through the nose.

Yeah. Bridge of the nose. So one blue lens and I got like black frames and then like clear frames. Do you think that that's too much for me? Clear frames? That, but more the one lens. Oh, it's one blue lens? You know what I mean?

Like where it doesn't have plastic in the bridge. It's like the whole lens goes through. I'd have to see it. I think it's too much for a guy who's got, you know. I think that plus the clear lens. Yeah, the clear. I probably won't wear it. The black was.

Oh, they're separate. They're separate. Yeah, I got. So you get two pairs. Use promo code KFC. And then it's buy one, get one. So I just got two for the price of one. And, you know, it's like I got kids who are

you know closer to the age of the 21 year olds than I am I don't know what I can pull off anymore I like the blue lenses I'm fine with the color it was more the one lens that I don't know if I can pull off but they're fucking dope if I was younger I would for sure be rocking them no questions asked but they've got all sorts of styles all sorts of

different colors different frames different lenses that are all – you know what I like too is they give you the option. They just come in a little pouch or you can pay for a case. And it's like I don't really need the case. You know what I mean? Sometimes I'm paying for like a really high-quality case. I'm like I don't need that.

So you can pick and choose whether you want the case or the pouch. You buy one, get one with the KFC promo. And they've got all sorts of cool shit that's like – they've got the classics. They've got ones that are a little more stylish, a little more cocky if you're out there to party, if you're trying to make a statement. And the best part is when you hit that KFC promo and it just – like the whole price radically changes and all of a sudden, I put it in and it was like... You pulled off a heist. I mean, it was like $114. Oh, I got these suckers.

It was something like $114 and then I hit KFC and it was like, $52. And I was like, damn! Feels like I'm robbing you. They start at just $48

and they're also doing a good deed with fighting hunger across America. So every time you buy glasses, they donate meals to the need. So go to ShadyRays.com. Use promo code KFC. And when you get two pairs or more, you get the buy one, get one. So that's two pairs of sunglasses for just $48.

You can get that style I was talking about or browse all the other selections. It's ShadyRays.com. Promo code KFC for buy one, get one. All right, top five today is in honor of Pussy Throat over here. We're going to do the top five worst things about being sick, primarily more in the hospital, but last week we brought you best things about being sick. That was before we knew that John was like really fucking oddly, bizarrely sick.

And then maybe next week we'll do top five best things about putting liquids in your asshole. But, yeah, top fives today. Worst things about being sick and in the hospital. I'll let you go first because you just experienced it. Attention. You don't like the attention. It is. I think you had it on your top five at best well sympathy is different than attention okay but i hear what you mean like whatever you want

i'm gonna do all five it's gonna be all five i'll just use a different word for everyone we'll go well well you don't i i that totally makes sense like i gotta i gotta text from casey being like is john like really really sick or is this dramatic? I'm watching these videos. And I was like, I think he's fine. He told me he's fine. And she was like, okay, so I don't have to go to the hospital to – I was like, oh, that's the last thing John wants you to do.

You showed up and now he's got to host you? And it's like his fault, reason he's the reason why? Then he's going to be furious. John would rather die alone. It is 100%. Now, don't get me wrong. I appreciate. It was just nonstop.

It was like text from everyone the whole time. Yeah. And I very much appreciate it. I'm not trying to be like a dickhead. No, of course. Like an old screw. But at some point, it's like a. But when it gets to the point where people are like, what are your symptoms?

I'm like, I don't know. What are your credentials? Why do I need to tell you? What does it fucking matter what my symptoms are you're gonna help me out over the text right now dude like i just i just kept i kept telling everyone i'm just being dramatic about a sore throat and the and then what it was like i mean largely that's basically the doctors believed there seems to be nothing wrong i mean eventually you're gonna be dead don't don't let's let's not be like you're going to be dead. Let's not be surprised. You're going to die of this, and we're going to be like, the doctor said it was on the wrong.

He told us it was a sore throat. It seems like I just was being dramatic about a sore throat. But it was like, well, what are your symptoms? I had people just giving me like, could it be this? I don't know. The doctors haven't brought that up. You're just BMDing me right now. It's such a trope and shit like that.

My mom was the same way. She's like, oh, I'm looking at these pictures right now. You don't want to see these. I'm like, yeah, no. I was like, all right, but don't even tell me about those. Right, right. How about that? It's worse.

Dude, I had Liz Gonzalez. God bless her. I love her. Asked me if I might have Hiroshito's disease. I said, I don't think so, Liz. They haven't tested for it yet. I don't know. What the fuck is Hiroshito's?

I wrote it down because I was so like wait what Hashimoto's disease Hashimoto's is I've heard of Hashimoto's But wait Hashimoto's is not like a giant Fucking disgusting thing I had people crawling out of the woodwork To be like look I've been on the internet for 10 minutes now

And I think you might have this Why don't you just let me fucking watch Seinfeld in peace I had to keep Actually shout out to Apple You guys did kind of figure it out 10 minutes now, and I think you might have this. Yeah. And I'm like, why won't you just let me fucking watch Seinfeld in peace? Yeah. I had to keep, because, you know. Actually, shout out to Apple. You guys did kind of figure it out. Because back in the day, you had to, if you're watching, you're streaming, you can't reply to a text, and then you got to get back onto it and hit play again.

Yeah. And then it starts as a commercial break. It's a whole fucking thing. Well, now it's got the little thing. Now you can do a little. Yeah. It's great when you're watching porn, too. Really?

Oh, yeah. You're talking about, like, the little picture-in-picture almost on your phone? Yeah, you're banging chains while watching that? Yeah. No kidding. Sure. So you're fucking... What else are you doing?

When I'm watching porn, I'm pretty into the porn. I don't know. Someone's got to text me or whatever. It's like... Yeah, you're just fucking dick in hand, firing it off? Just one hand. One hand texting. I don't text one hand.

I don't do it anymore. Well, I mean, I don't prefer to, but if my dick's in my other hand, then I got it. Yeah, but Dodge won't do it. I'll focus on the milk on the other. I'm watching. Oh, my God. All right. My number one pick is going to be just like his.

It's just your fucking butt hanging out of the back of those gowns. They're just so ridiculous. Wrong. They're so ridiculous. Oh, my God, you're wrong. You like to walk around with your ass out like that? I don't like to walk around. When I'm admitted and I have my own room, oh, yeah.

No. Oh, yeah. Why don't they just have robes that go on frontwards? The regular ways, you know? Why does your ass have to be out? Why do you put your sleeves in this way why do they just decide to do

you mean like a muumuu like a muumuu like over the top no just like a regular fucking robe why don't you just put it on like a jacket like a robe

like a shirt like everything other piece of clothing ever why do we have to have the butt out I see what you're saying it's crazy I mean I can

I get if you're like getting back surgery or something from behind that you need open but everything like that it's like just fucking cover just have it be like regular yeah no you're making and then it's like you gotta like tie it off and then if you do get up it's just like here's my fucking white man ass it's just so weird couple that with the socks with the grippies and it's just like oh i like

the grippies i like those but it's just the whole ensemble makes you like you're just this is like this little vulnerable piece of shit like you're like all the whole ensemble makes you like you're just like this little vulnerable piece of shit. Like you're like all the other like the homeless people you're with. You know what I mean? It's like my butt's out. I don't have any shoes on. I don't know what I'm wearing. I just feel ridiculous right now.

Why don't we just put on clothes like we always do? The fucking gown. You're making sense. Yeah. You're goddamn right. But nonetheless, I do like I like to let the ass breathe a little. How often do you like to let the ass breathe a little bit. How often do you get to let your ass breathe? I guess.

Very rarely. You know what? You let your ass breathe at home. You don't let your ass breathe in private. I don't let it breathe at home. I saw a lot of ass breathing at the private. Yeah. There was not a suffocated butt to be seen there, Brad.

A couple single tits out, too, which is very rare. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just out, too, which is very rare. Just like BT Awards last night. What was I going to say? I'm too ashamed of my body to let my ass breathe. So why do you like the gowns, then? We're out in public. Logically speaking, Kevin, I have to be naked

to let my ass breathe. Unless some genius invented a reverse gown. And I can just let that bad boy go without having to be repulsed by my grotesque body in a mirror I happen to walk by. At home, you could just put on a button-up shirt backwards and have yourself a little ass-out gown. If I catch you walking around your apartment with a fucking Brooks Brothers shirt on backwards and your ass breathing, we got a problem. It'd be my dad's shirt, too, because I don't have any button-downs. I was about to ask if you have any.

I didn't think you do. My dad came the other day for a... He had some party he had to go to, and he realized that the button on his shirt had broken, and I was like, I actually have one shirt, and I gave it to him, and then he left that one here. Just doing a rotate?

Yeah, and he dresses like a businessman from the 70s, so like that huge. You know, like when you tuck it into your knees kind of deal. When you tuck it in, it feels like you're tucking it in like a blanket. Yeah.

There's just so much material here. Yeah, so I could let that bad boy, I could go Tom Cruise with that fucking thing. No problem. All right, you're up. Attention. Again. Dude, they did a versus this weekend with Lil Bow Wow versus Soulja Boy.

And Soulja Boy, the first three songs he picked was just Make It Clap, his new song. He ran it back three times in a row. That's John right now on his top five. Same with you. Attention. Again, I'm just going to keep saying the same thing. It's very nice. And if you. It's like, again, like I'm just gonna keep saying the same thing. It's, it's very nice.

And if you didn't say something, I probably noticed, but also leave me the fuck alone. I am judging you. What a chick. You're such an asshole. I'm taking note, but I also hate it.

I'm going to go with, um, the, uh, well, I guess this is more like a – I'm going to go with the rude – when you catch a rude nurse. Oh, yeah. That's the worst. When you just got some chick, and I understand that it's like – this is just her job, so she's going room to room, patient to patient. But when all of a sudden you get a surly nurse who's just like, fuck you.

And it's like, listen, lady, I'm clearly at my absolute lowest right now. You think I fucking want to be here? You think I want to have to ask you to like, can you pick up that like thing for me? Or can you get me this water or whatever? No, I fucking hate this. But when like the nurse shift switches and then you get, you go from from a nice helpful one to just an absolute bitch. And you're at their fucking mercy. You know what I mean?

They are your judge, jury, and executioner. That nurse decides what you can eat, what you can drink, what you can take, where you can go, if you can get up. And then they decide to be an absolute bitch about it. The bitch nurse is your biggest enemy. Because guess what? If you're a dick back to her, well, now I'll see you in 45 minutes. I'll see you in an hour. I'm not going to come back here again.

She was, I'm referring to her, this is the one, the first nurse I saw at the Wednesday morning. And it was like, she just, I'm not going to give her a bitch tag. I'm going to give her no nonsense. Right. She was no nonsense. She's been there for 30 years. And especially, you know, she's probably coming out of COVID. It's like, I just dealt with someone who's fucking dying.

You got a sore throat. I don't give a fuck about you. So it's hard. But I'm also like, well, you're making this way worse. Yeah. Oh, she was like. Yeah. I wasn't even finishing my answers before she was asking the next one.

Yeah. I was like, this is being mean. Right. Why are you interrupting me like that? Absolutely. And then it was like, I took my phone out to get, to get my insurance thing, and she's like, phone's away. I was like, well, you just asked me for my insurance number. I don't have a card.

You got that memorized? Yeah, ridiculous. It was tough. Me now? Yeah. A concern. The concern people have for you is suffocating. Like, I'm fine.

I'm fine. I think I've said this before. I'm always going to be fine until I'm not. And then I'm fine I'm fine I think I've said this before but like I'm always gonna be fine until I'm not and then I'm dead yeah and then don't worry about it

I'm fine I don't know like are you are you okay do you need anything do I need anything no I don't need anything what do I fucking need

that new throat I need this to go away you can do that otherwise shut the fuck up what what again I know you say it and i and i appreciate it and i say i do the same thing yeah like and it's just like what are you gonna do for

me yeah i'm in a hospital help me otherwise shut the fuck up yeah leave me alone there's nothing to do yeah uh i'm gonna go with uh hospital time why i don't know why everything takes just like hours everything's just like everything that should be a relatively quick thing is going to take like six hours. You need to get discharged. You're not getting out of there for another like four hours. You need to get like a second opinion. The doctor will be here tomorrow. You need to – can I get a water?

I'll come back in like 35 minutes with that. Everything. The discharge is really what drives me crazy. It's like I just want to leave and I got to fill out all this paperwork. I got to do – I got to walk down this hall. I got to go here. I got to go there. Oh, you can't leave until this happens or that settles in or whatever.

It's like hospital time is – it's like you're in a time warp. It's like, yeah, I came in with a sore throat and I left three days later. The fuck just happened? And you did nothing for me. Like, what? And it just – it cost me $10,000. Great. Thanks a lot, hospital. Really looking forward? And it just cost me $10,000. Great. Thanks a lot.

Really looking forward to the bill. Healthcare. Awesome. Jerks. Yeah, they just sell you on unnecessary surgeries that they don't perform anymore. And then fucking be like, here you go. Here you go. Check it out later.

But also, I actually had kind of an express discharge. And that's what led me to Walking into A doctor's office The next day without an appointment They were like She was like Here's your paper You're good to go

And I was like I can just leave And she was like Yep And I was like Are you sure Yeah The appointment's good

She's like yeah You're all set See you later Give me a happy medium Somewhere in between Where I know you're not Just kicking me out And you know what's going on

Also not like 45 hours in there Um John's digging deep In the thesaurus right now uh so attention sympathy concern uh a recognition recognition you don't want to be recognized don't want to be recognized don't recognize me don't recognize anything i do yeah unless it's a live show at nyack in which case get tickets july 15th at the Improv. Let's go.

Don't recognize us there. Yeah, but don't give me recognition. It's just text messaging. It all comes back to text messaging. Stop texting me. And people just don't. Yeah, Mr. I love the phone calls, though. Would you rather prefer just taking endless phone calls?

I took two phone calls while I was there. Two? Yeah. What about if all those people texted you and called you? Oh, I just wouldn't answer. Got me there. Got you there. Two. Yeah. What about if all those people texted you and called you? Oh, I just wouldn't answer. Got me there. Got you there. Yeah.

You win that round. You win that round. I'd be like, yeah, I'm just not going to answer this. I'll talk to people I want to talk to. Because a text is so easy that you have to reply. Yeah. Yeah. Where it's like, oh, it's real dickhead to ignore a text.

Right. It's not real dickhead to ignore a phone call. No. Yeah. Yeah. I hear you. Allow me to be a reasonable answer. Right.

Right. I'm going to go with, I guess it's not sick, but when – this is more like post-surgery. When I'm in like the throes of agony and they're like, what? What can I get you? And I'm like, a billion cc's of morphine. That's what you can get me. And they're like – well, then you're like the junkie. You know what I mean?

Then it's like, well, I don't know. And it's like, I'm going to get you like, here's like an extra strength ibuprofen. It's like they literally ripped stuff out of my spine and put cadaver bones in there. Hit me with the drip, lady. Let's go. Give me what I fucking need.

I mean, have they ever given you, have you ever had a button? No. They've given, like it's like you hit the button and and it administers it but it's obviously on a timer and it's like you know it's not going to work until like 45 minutes from now or whatever the timing is and yeah i just sit there not working not working not working and it's like oh there it is there it works it works but then they yeah the the the well it doesn't have to necessarily be pain medicine too it's just like they don't want to give you whatever the medication is where you're like i know what the fuck i need here and they're i can't do that look at me and ibuprofen's not gonna fix this all right that's the worst part

with me too is because like and that's probably why i get like such little attention at the hospital because i i understand that my presence wherever is a nuisance and i understand that wherever i am i'm not wanted like i mean that's just a fact like that that's just not me that's any human being wherever you are you shouldn't be there and the the so when they're like how are you feeling i'm great how are you doing and they're like oh oh no see that's my other i'm gonna i'm gonna snake draft here and keep that like when they're like like what's your what's your pain level on a scale of

one to ten I'm like well again this is if I'm not feeling it I'm not going to lie about it but I'm like fresh out of a fucking surgery

I'm like it's a fucking ten and also that but I don't want people to think I'm a pussy even that oh I don't give a shit about that what I

not even like thinking I'm a pussy I don't want them to think I'm like using them yeah i get that but i also i feel like if i say uh a high number they expect me to be like crying tears and like falling over in the streets like i'm sitting here internalizing how much this fucking

hurts just sitting here going i'm gonna die i'm gonna die this is so painful i'd rather be dead than this so just give me the it's a 10 10. It's a 10. It's a 10. They're like, is it really a 10? Like, it's a nine and a half then. What? And they had the little smiley face on the fucking...

It's like a frowny face or... I'm a frowny face! I'm fucking frowning, all right? Ooh, fuck. I might make a change. I can't now. I'm pretty hellbent. Well, you got your fifth pick.

I'm pretty... I was going to go with something not that. Oh. I'm not hellbent. Pop for me is what I meant. So I'm going to. I was going to go with something not that. I'm not hellbent. Pop for me is what I meant. So I'm going to say the spotlight. And then I'm going to add a sixth. The spotlight sucks because it does, like, all the text again.

They just. It's just the text messages you receive. It's like I am now. I have a chore. Yeah. You're making this harder for me. I'm focused on the 14 hours of tests I'm having. I'm having a bit internally of like

Fuck dude you might actually really fuck this life up And No text message is going to help that And now I just got to fucking Quell your concerns I got to fucking deal with convincing you I'm fine I'm working on convincing me I'm fine You're texting me for your own little guilty conscience

Or to feel better about yourself or whatever And I don't want to have to deal with that yeah like that's that's like i don't know why do i have to fucking do a tap dance for you to you so you sleep okay tonight i don't feel good right now just leave me alone right like when i'm when i'm sick i just want to be alone right i just want to fuck it i'm like i'm like a fucking puppy i'm a dog yeah go to the woods yeah i was gonna say back in the closet to die i'll fucking see you later and i'll die yeah yeah but the but the uh number six i'm taking a sixth here because I did a stupid thing I did like I always do. And the – it's the paperwork.

Yeah. Bro, and every single time I fucking – not even the signing. It's the questions. Yeah. Like – and every time. I probably filled out 200 pages of paperwork in the last week. And they're all the same fucking thing. Right. All of it.

The same goddamn questions. But I treated every single one like it was a new test. Every single time I'm like, fuck, did I have a great uncle who had diabetes? I actually have set myself free of this, John. I want you to do this from now on. Just set yourself free of this, John. I want you to do this from now on. Just set yourself free of paperwork. Like when they're like, what is the address of like your primary physician? Blank.

That is blank from now on. Especially working here, like a phone number for your workplace. I used to like look up Dave's cell phone number. That's now blank. Dude, I didn't know you could legally do that. Blank. I don't give a fuck. It's blank. You're getting my name, my address, and like know you could legally do that. Blank. I don't give a fuck. It's blank.

You're getting my name, my address, and like, that's it. Emergency contact? Blank. Blank. It is. It's like, I think back. Set yourself free. I still don't have the balls.

My mom does. No, dude. My mom just puts a big X on the pages. She's like, nope. No. That's a good idea because that makes it feel like i don't know they'd be like i don't know maybe some doctor did that yeah who would draw a giant x on it but just things that i just i'll do it logically where it's like what where am i am i at am i at a doctor

am i at a uh like am i filling out paperwork for my car am i feeling you know the dmv it's like when you're at the dmv they don't need to know, like, you know, my, what ethnicity I am or what, you know what I mean? It's like things that I'm just like, you don't need to know this? Blank! Dude, see, I fill out everyone with more concern and care than I did on the SAT. It's crazy. No joke.

Like, I'll fucking, I'll be like, asthma. Oh, I mean, I had to inhale it. That one time I was coughing. I had to inhale it when I was six. Does that count? Like, I'll be like, and I'll just sit there, I was six. Does that count? I'll just sit there. I don't know.

I'm going to put no. Hopefully that's right. Every single thing. I'm pregnant. Am I pregnant? Yeah. What is set yourself free? Never again. That's great.

Once you do it, you'll never go back, man. I also have recently changed to – I tap my credit card now instead of – Me too. Insert? Yeah. Oh, tap the breeze. I might even fully convert over to Apple Pay. I do Apple Pay for my phone.

Bingo, bingo. I just did a double click for that. But I haven't done that. I do it for the subway as well. But I broke – I did that thing where I throw my phone everywhere, and it broke. Stunning. And so my front camera, it works. I can take a picture of myself, but I can't do – it doesn't do face ID anymore.

Well, that's going to be a problem. So, yeah, no, it's an issue. Yeah. But the tap is – Oh, it's revolutionary. Why would anybody insert and wait and plug in? And I got to tip the cap to him, too. Right away worked.

Remember the chip we went through? Oh, boy, a real dark age. That transition period? Oh, my God. The transition period from swipe to insert chip was like one permanent awkward high-five dap situation. You're going for the hug, the handshake, the dap, the fist bump. Everything was messy. The tap now, the fist bump. Everything was messy.

The tap now, though, done. Done. Easy. It's great. I don't even know why it's an option. Insert, swipe, or tap. It should be tap. That's it.

Double tap it. Beautiful. And I'm told that the full Apple Pay converts is even more freeing. And if you get the Apple credit card, apparently you get 2% back on everything you ever spent. I don't know what that means, but nice. Yeah, I guess, well, just think about, you know, 2% of whatever it is you bought,

you get that money back. I can't do that math, Kevin. You guys know what? You don't have to. It just happens. Congratulations. You made it harder. Voicemails.

It's been the longest running. I would say this is legitimately got to be the longest running interactive segment maybe in podcast history. Because everybody else who has podcasts longer than us are just like solo shows where they just talk. Uh-huh. You know? Maybe if you consider like Bill Burr's email box, his email line.

You know what I mean? You say email funny. I say email funny? Yeah, you say it nasally. Well, I'm just kind of choking. You did, right? I think I'm just saying things nasally. Email? You say email funny. I say email funny? Yeah, you say it nasally. Well, I'm just kind of choking. You did, right? I think I'm just saying things nasally. Email?

Yeah, oh yeah. Don't say it anymore. How do you say it? How do you say it? Email. Email. Email. Email.

Not a word out of you. Not a word out of you, you tequila asshole, all right? You bite down over there. I'm going to send an email about that. Email human resources. I don't even know how I was going to segue this anyway. Simply safe, whatever. Well, Chad and Eleanor Lawrence are the people who designed

and founded SimpliSafe. And they had their first ever security system in their kitchen. They did it for a very personal reason. They just had their friends, their home was broken into, and they decided they needed a safe and simple security system.

And so they made it happen themselves. They set it up, and that was 15 years ago, and then since then they've been bringing safety to homes absolutely everywhere. I was going to say something about how safe and consistent they are, the same way the voicemail line is, because I really do. Other than that, I think, you know, find me somewhere we've been calling in for 10 straight years. I don't think you can do it.

We have probably like 50,000 phone numbers in there. The amount of people who have called. We'll come to all your houses. Yeah, right? That's why you need SimpliSafe because we're going to track you down. We're going to look up your number. We're going to find you. SimpliSafe, it makes it easy the same way that our voicemail has made this show easy.

You go to simplisafe.com slash KFC radio. And it takes two minutes to customize an entire system for your house on their website. It's a system with highly trained security experts with everything from fire, police, poison control, emergency safety, all that stuff. That keeps you safe from burglars and earthquakes and fires and floods and everything that threatens your home, your possessions, and your loved ones. So go to simplisafe.com slash KFC Radio to customize that system today. You get a free HD camera. You also get a free 60-day risk-free trial. So there's nothing to lose.

Two months trying it when you go to simplisafe, S-I-M-P-L-I, safe.com slash KFC Radio to get yours. Voicemails, let's go. Hi, rest of the gang. I was just listening to the pod and might have had a few beers. I just wanted to confirm my physiotherapist

used to be a surgeon in the hospital up in Canada on the west coast and can confirm that Richard Gere had a gerbil removed from his ass. Yeah. Have a good night. Peace out. See you.

Wait, this is confirmation? Who's this guy again? Sorry, we'll hop in. He's claiming like his surgeon was the guy that pulled the gerbil out i'm i'm skeptical i'm skeptical we're gonna throw a hard allegedly button on this um i just talked about it with ari a little bit like it's okay one of those things where we talked about the you know the the come come stomach did you know i asked ari because he's a little bit older like when we found out that Britney Spears also has that rumor about her. Remember?

That she had to get her stomach pumped and it was Lil' Kim for us. Do you know who it was for him? Um, wait. Who was it? Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi. And prior to that was Rod Stewart. Mr. Bovine Joanie? Dude's sucking so much dick he needed a stomach pump. Rod Stewart I can believe

better than Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi doesn't really put off like weird gay vibes to me no rod stewart's i mean rock stars just fuck man yeah i mean that means that either one day it started with rod stewart or who knows before that it was elvis and before that it was you know that one day somebody sucked so much dick they needed their stomach pumped. Or somewhere out there, somebody just made up the perfect fucking joke, rumor, lie, and it's been run with for generations. Like imagine being that guy who was like, dude, in like 1950, I said that about John Wayne. And it just – it went like wildfire. I would be – I would tell that to everybody. If I made up the Richard Gere gerbil legend, how cool would that be?

I'm the first person on record to say that Richard Gere. I mean, and you got to. Here's a serious question for you. Would you trade lives with Richard Gere? Yeah. And just be every time that guy walks in a room, the only thing people are thinking about. Is this a gerbil in his asshole before he's take all the money all the all the places he's gone lesser inflammatory questions that are

asked when i walk into a room john walks in the room they just go the gerbil wouldn't even go in there i mean listen once once there's a story out there about you putting things in your ass, it just doesn't go away. I don't think I want to be Richard Gere. I got to check his net worth. I got to check his net worth. Whatever it is. Better than mine. Bro, any time that man speaks, people are just going dribbling.

I would allow that rumor to happen about me for $10,000. You say that, but nobody, anybody. It adds an air of mystery to you. Oh, it's not the mystery you want, sir. Oh, it's not the mystery you want, sir. Oh, it's... Any mystery is the mystery you want. Oh, yeah? Did the girl...

Did gun girl shit her pants at a party? You want that mystery about you? I'm fine with that rumor, yeah. I expressly admit I shit my pants at a party. It's getting increasingly difficult to do a podcast with this man who just does not care about a single solitary thing. Who cares about if I die? Who cares about if people think gerbils are in my ass?

Who cares about money? Oh, no, I care. I'm pro it. I would be appreciative if that rumor happened about me. So that is – Fights got a fucking rat stuck in his ass. If you're Richard Gere, you got to own that way better. You know, like anytime you – I don't know.

You're giving like a speech at a function or something. You got to drop a gerbil joke in there. You got to own that way better. You know, like, anytime you, I don't know, you're giving, like, a speech at a function or something, you've got to drop a gerbil joke in there. You've got to, like, reference it. You've got to own that a little more. You've got to give your dad's eulogy. I know what everyone's thinking. Gerbil in my asshole. Pop wondered the same thing.

He died chasing the answer to that. Yeah, I'd be like, maybe. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. You'll never know. Like, just fuck with him a little bit. But just silence. Silence on the matter.

Where is dad today? Is he in heaven? We'll never know. Just like you'll never know if I had a gerbil. How you doing today? How you doing today, Richard? Doing all right? Maybe I have a gerbil in my mouth.

Maybe I don't. I feel like his silence this many years. He's got to get real self self conscious on itchy butthole days Yeah He's like it's not a gerbil It's not a gerbil I got dirty underwear on that's it It's just fucking hot

Aren't you guys all hot I don't think you guys all have gerbils in your fucking ass See I mean the fact that he's never Talking about it He gets his balls stuck to his fucking legs He's doing a stretch Gerbil that he's never talking about it? He gets his balls stuck to his fucking legs and he's trying to stretch some fucking Gerbil!

Some family from Indiana goes home like we saw Richard Gere in Times Square outside Planet Hollywood and he was just trying to get a

fucking gerbil out of his ass. And we are just beautifully painting the picture of why I want this rumor about me. Like right now

I'm just I got a wedgie and if I pick this on live and I pick this on live And I had this rumor People would be like Fights at a dribble That's on the show

During the podcast During the podcast Also I don't understand I don't get it The like I don't get it Doesn't it bite Doesn't it rip apart

Your fucking insides Doesn't it rip your ass All apart I know I know I said that to Ari He goes You know

That's the part of the appeal I mean like I've seen too many times at King Richard's Fair, the medieval torture chamber, to know what rats do when they're trapped. And they fucking dig. And they're going to be trapped in a hot butt. Yeah, you don't want a rat butt. They're part of the gerbil family. I don't think I want that known. I don't think I want that rumor about me.

Unless it's just true. In which case, you've got to own it better. But I think that Richard Gere went with the silence you know no comment for you know the 90s because that was the move back in I know but the now you know the move now would be like fucking send a tweet about a joking you know like now do a subway commercial about it right or just do it be like or or a claim like that you're you're you're oh yeah I did and you're discriminating against me. You're all canceled. I just don't believe – when everybody says this, like my surgeon, I know a guy. It's like – Yeah, everyone knows the guy who violates HIPAA.

Yeah. I mean, to me, I had a – my breach of trust was – I guess not even trust, but it more like oh you can't really i guess it is trust in a way when my i have like my best friend come home from school i think i've told a story before about the the urban legend with the dead dogs in the bag and like he told that story to me like it was 100 true and i think he really did believe it was true but and i was like this is my best friend who had no reason to lie to me and but he had just been lied to so i was just like that was that that was a moment in my life where i was just like i can't trust anything ever again and so like a random surgeon telling me that or whatever i was like i just don't believe anything

anybody says and i think you're a fool if it's like if i was a doctor i would i would do that all the time i'd be like you know i can i can tell you the truth that that journal story yeah just like the fuck with people yeah i had that i actually pumped little kim's stomach you know whatever i had i had a friend who like filled out like someone's herpes medication before of course everybody's got that i mean these stories are just all fake uh i think that the silence is deafening when it comes to richard gears gerbil on his ass and i think that's the truth like that's that's all the truth I need. You've got to jumble up your butt, though. Next up. Lucky. Yo, KC Fights, Nick, Jackie, all gang.

So I've been using ACI questions recently as opening lines for dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Craigslist, you know. And recently I just saw someone, some girl's prompt was the fuck, marry, kill Chinese food, Mexican food, and Italian food. And someone else clearly had the same idea that me and my buddy had where we would randomly pick a card from the ATI box and then just use that question as our opening line for like five different people and then pick a card from the ATI box and then just use that question as our opening line for like five different people and then pick another card. So my question is, what do you guys think the best card in the box would be as an opening line? Okay, so that's two different.

So by the way, ATI is basically back. It's ATI week. We're building up to the relaunch of Answer the Internet. It's Mondays from now on. Mondays at 6 p.m. So Monday, July 5th is the return of Answer the Internet. We are coming in guns blazing with a dynamic duo of Dan Soder and Shane Gillis. They burned it down.

We've got about 10 in the tank. We're filming more. So we're coming in hot. So there's gonna be new episodes on the youtube uh there is going to be also on the youtube this week one thing i learned it is the story of when i used to get hookers to come over and just watch the sopranos with me subscribe now uh also we're relaunching the answer the internet app with new decks of cards and new features where you can vote and organize your cards and randomize them and entirely new questions.

But as far as the original 500, the best opener, they really are like if you want to have a conversation or not like a pickup line because who does that? But if you're trying to have a conversation with a girl or a guy at the bar or strangers, you want to just get to know people, some of them are really great conversation pieces. I get people texting me late at night being like, yo, can I have some questions? Yeah. Why don't you fucking buy a box, dickhead?

I was going to say, they're out there. You don't have to go through me. Buy a box. Buy a fucking app. We got free ones on the app. Just download the app. Why are you fucking bothering me right now? I'm in a hospital.

The best. I think we've seen a great response. Here's what I think. And this guy was talking about hitting on chicks, right? So I think a little air of sex involved in that. I think the porn stars

murderers is a great one. Porn stars murderers get to the gun. Because girls love the true crime. And you start talking about porn. And then you start talking about what defines a porn. And then it's like, well, I've been on camera before.

Have you ever filmed it? You know what I mean? You start to get some – you make some inroads to talk about sex. Maybe you reference some murderers and bring up some true crime docs. If you're talking about hitting on a girl, that one – and every time that comes out, I mean, we've done this like ten times. And every time it's a war. People are screaming and yelling. They get passionate about it.

Talk a little murder and sex. People get a little hot and fucking bothered. That one might be it for me. I like just one song to play every time you orgasm. Yeah. You're talking a little sex there. Yep. There's a couple of those, like one song when you orgasm or one song when your dick gets hard or, you know, I guess Guinness.

Check that one. But there's a couple like songs and sex. When your pussy gets wet, what song you like to hear? Say it just like that too. Send her a video message saying it that way. There was one that I saw. I almost asked Ari. I even elected to not show it to Ari Shaffir.

It was just like you have to eliminate one for the rest of your life. Blowjobs, regular sex, and anal sex. Just like, God damn. Some of these questions. Fucking crazy. fucking crazy but yeah there's a lot of good ones that are you know dancing around some of the more taboo topics there's ones that dive right in

but porn stars murderers and orgasm sex orgasm song are two very good ones but download the app buy the game subscribe to answer the internet on YouTube I mean answer the internet was like one of our biggest franchises like ever that just got decimated by covid but now it's just fucking back i mean i used to get gassed up every time we had a new this was back on tuesdays we used to drop them but like

millions of views tons of downloads on the app a lot of people buying the game and it's still like gone you know sales and and like followers and shit has still gone strong even even though we've kind of been on this almost two-year hiatus. So it's like a big piece of business is back. I spoke to Abella the other day. She's coming back in August. She's already planning out her answer to the interview. She's like, I can't wait to come back and burn it down again. So maybe she can be on the record.

I love that woman. Yeah, she's amazing. Heavy conspiracy theorist. I was like, I need to marry you. How can I marry you, girl? Fuck. Yeah. I think so.

I mean, Judge Meyer tweets. There goes my chance. I said fuck as if that was like a real thing. Oh, I was going to date the 24-year-old in Miami. Relax, Kevin. Relax. All right. Last voicemail is brought to you by BetterHelp.

If you know somebody who's been down on their luck physically and mentally recently, somebody who maybe predicted their own demise in a matter of days, somebody who has been overwhelmed with attention recently, struggled with interacting with people and his own health. I was, and I've told my therapist this before and I did it again this week. I haven't told her about it yet. I was so depressed on Friday that I canceled therapy. Wow.

I told her that before and she's like – There's some counterintuitive thinking. She's like, yeah, those are the times you should really see me. Yeah, just not into it though. No, I know. That's because we're still not there yet. We got to be converted. I'm just going to tell you I'm being dramatic about a throat thing and I'm fine.

I don't know. We'll just skip it. I'll see you next week. If you are still on the fence or not totally understand the process or you're a little bit afraid or there's stigma, that's where BetterHelp comes in because it's mental health help, therapy help, all via technology, whether you want to do it on the phone, whether you want to do it over like a FaceTime video chat or a text message. You can call, talk, connect to a doctor in under 48 hours. So you don't need to go to a doctor's office. You don't need to find them, get there, wait in the waiting room, worry about their schedule and when they can be seen.

And that's where they will connect you with someone, like I said, within 48 hours. And it's more affordable. It's easier. Honestly, it's like there's just an unnecessary step in seeing someone in person anymore for anything. We've just proven everything should just be done over the computer. We can do it right now. We can do it easier and more affordably. So go to betterhelp.com

slash KFC and our listeners will get 10% off their first month of mental health help. That's B-E-T-T-E-R H-E-L-P dot com slash KFC. Get 10% off that first order and start fixing your brain today.

What up, Kev, Fight, Jackie, Nick, whoever else is in there with you guys. Hey, so I got a real brain buster for you. So say an alien spaceship lands in your backyard and he's asking you to give him the best authentic American meal. Like, where do you guys – what do you guys give him? I'm talking appetizer, entree, sides, cocktails, dessert. Where are you guys going after? I'm looking forward to hearing you guys.

That's a great question. All right, Visa. The most authentic American meal possible. Okay. I am going to go with – Now, are we giving specific restaurants? Are we cooking this? No.

I think this is like general foods. Okay. But I think doing like courses allows a little bit of a cheat, you know, where you can go like appetizer main course with some sides and then the dessert. It allows a lot of leeway there. I like this. I'm very pensive about it. So I would say for the main meal of Americana, I would go cheeseburger fries, like a McDonald's type of situation.

I would go with like a, yeah, cheeseburger, fries, and. But where's your appetizer? You got to start building apps. I know, I know. I haven't figured that out yet. All right. I'll go first. Apps?

Moxie Sticks. Doing Moxie Sticks. I feel like that's very Italian. Nah. Fried cheese. Fried? You're using a fryer. We're American, baby.

Yeah. I'm doing Moxie Sticks, and I'm doing cheese steak egg rolls. Now, egg rolls are Chinese These are fucking American Yes Oh no I'm right Egg rolls are now American Cheeseburger egg rolls yeah

No just because you're taking the No I'm taking another culture thing I'm making it mine It's American I'm going to go for my appetizer I'll go buffalo wings Buffalo New York America Buffalo wings is a good one I'm sticking it mine. It's American as fuck. I'm going to go for my appetizer. I'll go Buffalo Wings. Buffalo, New York. America.

Buffalo Wings is a good one. I'm sticking with my answers. You can fucking fight me on this if you want. I don't give a shit. I'm doing mozzarella sticks, and I'm doing fucking the other thing. Egg rolls. Cheeseburger egg rolls. Egg rolls.

Yeah. A fucking American dish. A fucking appropriated into a frying machine. Yeah. Yeah. First of all, those are fryer machine? Unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. First of all, those are also my two favorite ones, obviously. But I can't wait to go get a mozzarella stick after this. You know what I think a place should do, by the way?

I think a place should make, instead of like eight little ones, you should get a giant singular mozzarella stick. Nah. Like a dick-sized. Heavens no. Like an Owen Gray-sized mozzarella stick. No, that's part of the best part. You dip, you bite.

By the way, I don't like the marinara. You're a buffoon. Just straight cheese. You dip, bite, you flip, boom, bite. No, I just double dip like a motherfucker. Nah, you don't give a shit about that. What are you going for your meal? My meal?

Like, I think, you know, it's not like the best meal, but when I think of an American meal, it's like a cheeseburger, fries, McDonald's type of situation. For sure. But if I'm trying to impress the guy. That's what I mean. I'm going to give him a steak. Steak's American.

All our beef and all our meat. All the flyover steaks. I could get down with that. I could understand that. I'll give him a steak, some mashed potatoes. Some mashed potatoes in there. Maybe a baked potato. I don't know. We'll see. I could understand that. I'll give him a steak, some mashed potatoes. Okay. Right? Some mashed potatoes in there. Maybe a baked potato.

I don't know. We'll see. I'll ask him. And then I'm not putting anything healthy on it. I refuse to do it. No, it's not American. So I can't have any green beans, no asparagus. Probably some macaroni and cheese.

Yeah, Kraft. Yep, Rugrats. And then what's the fourth thing on my plate here? Steak, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese. Yeah, Kraft. Yep, Rugrats. And then what's the fourth thing on my plate here? Steak. Mashed potatoes. Macaroni and cheese. I think like a bread of some sort, like carbs. Well, I got my complex carbs covered in my mashed potatoes.

I think like the Outback, like that brown bread or whatever, like one of those. Yeah, that's more of an appetizer. Maybe a palate cleanser. I don't know. But the – Corn? Corn. Yeah, corn on the cob.

There you have it. Corn on the cob. I would maybe do that with my burger fries. And a stick of butter to rub it to fucking twist it. Yeah, yeah. Burger fries, corn on the cob. And then I think for dessert, I think like a donut, like a decadent. When I think of American desserts, I think of those weird donuts.

I was going to say Mississippi mud pie. Sure. Maybe with an Oreo crust. Whoa. You are so fat. You have been more animated in this fucking question than I've seen ever out of you uh and then i i think uh for a while i'm drinking my i'm having my wings you gotta give them like a ice cold miller light yeah and then for my while i'm having my burger and fries and shit like just like a 75 ounce soda like a 128

sound coca-cola a beer that's for your dessert. That's for your after-dinner drink. You have some American whiskey, some Tennessee Jack Daniels-type shit. That's a good question. But yeah, that's an American meal. It's an American meal. We should add that to the game. I don't want to go eat it right now. Eat it.

Eat it like you did. That's why you got a pussy in your throat. Great question, though, for aliens, too. I mean, what do you think aliens eat? Wouldn't that be wild if they came down and we swapped meals? Dippin' Dots. They had a rough week, huh? Their owner went to jail for assault or something like that.

Really? Yeah, their founder created it. It was like sexual assault or something wild. Oh, heavens. I didn't know that. But as we're on the— The aliens are in the middle of a boycott for that. As we're talking about aliens, we've got an interview right now with Harvey Levin from TMZ.

You might be asking why TMZ dude has an alien interview. It's because TMZ has a new special out tonight on Fox, 8 p.m., 7 central. It's called TMZ Investigates UFOs. legitimate, serious, deep dive on why these UAPs, what's the UAPs? It's unidentified. It's unsomething aerial phenomenon. It's the new shit. It's not UFOs anymore.

It's the UAPs. That's a WAP. It's a UAP. It's a UAP. So, yeah, tonight's special with them talking all about the possibility of the existence of aliens and what are these UFOs. And this interview with Harvey is brought to you by Slick Spirited Ice. If you're thinking about ingesting alcohol in a preposterous manner, before you do so, just try Slicks Beer and Ice because they've got alcohol in a icy, ice-pop, what do you even call those? Like a little cylinder, a little frozen plastic cylinder.

A tube of sorts. A tube. That's the word I'm looking for. A little frozen tube of snow cone type of flavor. It's right in your mouth. Real easy. Real easy. Just ingest it the normal way right in your mouth.

And they've got flavors of all sorts of daiquiri, margarita, all the beachy tropical drinks you can imagine. It is that with the alcohol right in there. Slick spirited ice. I think it's like 8% alcohol too so it gets the job done. It's like eating Icy Pop

or a snow cone or Ice Pop in the summertime except you're gonna get your buzz on saturday morning oh it's great and it's great for the hangover it takes knees into it you know you don't want to like rip a shot right away or do anything too uh aggressive you just chew and suck on a spirited slick spirited ice the next thing you know uh your inhibitions are lowered and you're having a good time, you're feeling good it's great for any barbecue any day at the pool, any day at the beach just fill up a freezer, fill up a cooler

and head out on the boat whatever it may be, bring the cooler with you and enjoy some slick spirited ice all day long in the summer you know I hate summer, it's things like this that you gotta do to make it bearable where you're gonna be nice and cool, you're gonna get your buzz on and we're gonna get through these hot, terrible summer days together,

me, you, and Slick Spirited Ice. So head over to your local Walmart or your liquor store and load up for the coming weekend. Load your freezer up with some Slick Spirited Ice. To learn more, go to Slick, S-L-I-Q, SpiritedIce.com. Once you Slick, you'll never be the same. This ad has been brought to you by 21 Holdings LLC in West Chicago, Illinois. It must be 21 and up.

To purchase and consume, please drink responsibly. It's Harvey Levin on KFC Radio. Let's talk to him. I was just, Harvey, I was just looking through, you know, just doing a quick Google search and just making sure I'm up to date on everything. I don't believe your birth date for one second, sir. You look phenomenal for your quote-unquote age. I think you must be lying about it. Holy shit.

I will tell you this given what you just said. On Friday, I had to text something to my or to call my executive producer for the UFO show, and by accident I hit FaceTime, and my face came up, and I literally

jumped out of my chair. I scared myself. That happens to everybody, man. Thank you, but. On Twitter, they do a thing where before you retweet an article, it's like, are you sure? Have you read the article or whatever it is? They should do that with FaceTime.

Before we start this call, are you sure you want to see yourself? Look in the mirror. Yeah. Or how about it just doesn't default to that just have it flipped around and then i need to push the button to see myself just so i know ambushing me with my own face is not cool um so uh we got a lot to talk about obviously the the new special is the main reason tf uh tmz investigates ufos um i i'm a ufo nut myself i i love like all the conspiracy theories i love thinking about space and ets and all that um and i have noticed for myself that every time i've made a video or written a blog or done anything about ufo talk as much as it's always piqued people's interest, I feel like recently with the government confirming a lot of these things,

people seem to kind of be like, okay, whatever. I kind of like knew that already. It doesn't seem like it has the same conspiracy type feel when the government's like, yeah, we don't really know what's going on. They almost are agreeing with the people now. It's kind of like we're all in the same boat. It's like, what the hell is going on? I think you nailed it. I think you just totally nailed it. That is exactly the point that until a couple of years ago, people who were really looking at this and

even looking at it seriously were considered fringe or crazy or unhinged. And I think in the last couple of years, there really has been a sea change. I think there are reasons for it. And a lot of it has to do with certain people like former Senator Harry Reid, who really has been working to legitimize this, not only legitimize it, but to make it a priority since 2007. And there are other senators, Marco Rubio, and there are a lot of people who worked at the Pentagon. And I think that this has been building and building and building. And in a way, social media has exposed a lot of people to some of this stuff in ways they haven't been before.

And I think there's been this general push. And I finally, Congress said to the Pentagon, we want a report. And they ordered it. And I think that even though the report is hollow in many ways, the fact that it was done is a big deal. Yeah. I think there even just the fact that they're willing to admit that I think is, is very scary by the way. I feel like my, my vibe on it is like, I hope that it's aliens because if it's someone else here on Earth that can do some of the shit that these aircrafts are doing and it's not us, we're in trouble because these ships can do some wild things, man. By the way, that is exactly what some of the scientists and former Pentagon people told us, that the scariest thing would be if it's foreign technology. You know what the reality is? You know what the reality is? No no way no way so meaning what do you think you think that

means it is extraterrestrial then look the way we did this um show was we knew that the pentagon had five buckets they were putting these ufos in U.S. technology, foreign adversaries, natural phenomenon, airborne clutter, and other. So we have a Harvard scientist and Pentagon officials and a Navy pilot and U.S. senators and investigative journalists and others, and we went through them one by one, and we took one by one, took them off the table. This isn't human technology. We couldn't do this. We can't do it, and no foreign government can do it. And if a foreign government could do it now, which they can't, these have been seen since 1947. So in 40s, think back to 1947. We had somebody had the ability on Earth to go from 80,000 feet to sea level in a second and a half without wings, propellers or a propulsion system. I mean, breaking the sound barrier without causing a sonic boom.

That isn't technology human beings possess now the people you interview are they for as frustrated as what kevin and you agreed with where they're like why aren't people going crazy it should be the front like because i i'm kind of on the other side where i'm kind of like i don't need to understand everything i i get it like whatever there's there's things in this world i can't you're the problem you're part of the problem and i i that must frustrate people who have been working to expose this truth for so long where they're like look we're telling you you guys have wanted this you've made movies about it you've written articles about it and we're telling you it's real and for some reason

you guys are just like and we got stuff going on it's crazy well first of all two things one though a lot of those guys had their careers ruined because they spoke out and i'm talking about serious people like Pentagon officials, and we have some of them on. And it's interesting that in the report, the government says, stop the retribution against these people. The irony is they're the ones that were the ones retaliating at the Pentagon against these people. But at least in the report, they said, stop it. They just said, stop it. And yes, there are a lot of frustrated people. But the reason a lot of them are frustrated is because of the unknown. And finally, this report acknowledges, as long as we don't know,

this is a security threat to our country. These things have been swarming military ships. They have been swarming nuclear facilities. They have almost hit some of our jet fighters. I mean, think about this. The skies, they see them every day. God forbid a commercial airliner hits one of these things. And then all of a sudden everybody says, oh, why didn't we look at this 10 years ago? Well, 10 years ago is now. So look at now before that happens.

But there is a security threat to this country as long as we don't know what it is. That's what I think would get people, more people to really think about it is I think some people think of it as it's UFO or it's aliens or thinking of it as aliens rather than we just need to figure out what's going on for safety measures, I think is kind of the mindset that people need to be in. I think that when people, when the government's hiding something, they are like, we deserve to know. And then as soon as it's like, okay, we tell you, they're not as interested if it's not

something behind the curtain. If it's not a conspiracy that we're discovering, if it's just something that they're telling us, it just becomes like any other military news or anything else where it's like ah okay it's no longer a secret i don't have the same salacious juicy like interest that i once did but now it is more than ever it should be like we're showing you the video we're confirming it's real and i think people just keep moving the goalposts now it's like until i see a high definition video with an alien driving it who gets out and says, I am an alien. I'm not going to believe anything.

It's like, what more do you need than the government saying, yeah, we don't know what's going on and we have materials from another planet. And I'm not jumping to the conclusion that these are aliens, although I have to say, I believe that there's a there's got to be a intelligent life somewhere else in the universe. But it is something and it's not us and it's not a foreign government and it's not natural phenomenon because natural objects don't move in formation. So we can scratch that. And it certainly ain't airborne clutter like plastic bags. And that leaves you with other. That was their catch all. They leave you with other. So wait, what would you... And what is other? What would you say... Two questions. What would you say you really think it is?

And did you change your mind at all from the beginning of this process to the end of the special? Well, I learned a ton. I will tell you that. I learned a lot. And what's my opinion? I don't know what it is.

However, I will say this, that people who say it can't be aliens, it can't be from another star system, people who say that, I just don't get them. Because, yeah, we are intelligent life on Earth, right? But are we the only intelligent life in the universe? I don't think so, man. I mean, it's so self-absorbed to jump to that conclusion. So if you guys think about this, I mean, I'm old enough to remember this as a little kid, and I was mesmerized by it, that in the last 60 years, guys, 60 years, we have launched people into space, landed them on the moon. We have gone to Jupiter and Pluto.

We are penetrating interstellar space or on the verge of it. So if we can go that way, think about if there is intelligent life somewhere else and let's say there are 200 years ahead of us that's nothing in the universe right right but think about what 200 years is technologically seriously yeah look what we did in 60 look what we did in 60 years but we can go that way why couldn't they go that way 100 you know we're going from horse and buggies and shit to you know interstellar travel like you said i i realize it runs in direct opposition for me being like well whatever but it does kind of feel like um almost like the natives watching the nina the pinta and the santa maria show up we're like what the hell is that that's probably not a big deal and then like

next thing it's a pretty big fucking yeah you better you it's a big fucking deal is right, man. I think the I don't think people think of the idea of that. It can be extraterrestrial aircraft that's not necessarily loaded up with extraterrestrial beings the same way that we have drones and and, you know, unmanned aircraft and stuff. You know, it doesn't have to be a little green man for it to be something outside of this planet. I don't think people consider that. Well, I mean, look, we're on Mars right now. Right, exactly. And other countries are too. We don't have any people there, but we're exploring it.

Right. And it's like, look, it's one thing to say, I don't know. But people who say, I know. Yeah, that's crazy. Especially regular ass people. Even, I know. Yeah. I don't get crazy, especially regular ass people. Even, even non-regular ass people. It's like, you know, I'm serious. I mean, at a point they don't know. Right. And, and, you know, to say, oh, there can't be intelligent life somewhere else. How can somebody say that? Right. They don't know. And so all i'm saying is look do i believe it i do that i believe that

there is intelligent life i can't prove that i can't tell you what these objects are but i think we can tell you what they're not and when you are left with other it starts to become paradigm changing well you know what the problem is too so many of the people who aren't regular let's say your professors and people in the military or the government, whatever. A lot of these people have put out research and books and theories and dissertations explaining why it's not extraterrestrial or why it is this or that. And then when there's new proof, new evidence, new whatever that comes forward and it basically flies in the face of the last three decades three decades of their work they'll do anything to dig their heels in and try to be right and try to say you know what i said 10 years ago is still correct rather than just being like all right there's new evidence to the contrary let's

investigate that and i'll write a new book on that but people don't like to admit when they're wrong and there's going to be a lot of people who have to do that if one day that you know the truth finally fully comes to light. People don't like that. I think you're right. And as a matter of fact, one of the people we talked to on the show is a Harvard science professor, Avi Loeb. And he believes there is intelligent life out there. He believes that there is such a thing as aliens. And I love his metaphor. He said, if we just shut that off and close the door and don't think about it, I love what he said. He said, if we just shut that off and close the door and don't think about it, I love what he said. He said, he said, um, then we behave like cavemen who somehow look at a

cell phone and say, Oh, that's just another shiny rock. Yep. Yep. He is the king, by the way, the king of metaphors like that, uh, that make it so simple to understand. He he's, I've interviewed him as well. He's amazing with that. And it's so true the way he describes it. He's so great. And some of the most impactful things for me were metaphors on this show. We interviewed a Navy fighter pilot. And he actually wrote up a report and talked to his commanders about what he was seeing every day off of his ship. And I was asking him, why do you suppose other pilots haven't? And he kind of sat back and he said, because there is so much retribution against people who have spoken out, smart people and good people. He kind of looked into the camera and he said, you know, he said, when you're mowing a lawn, it's always the longest blade that gets cut first.

And no one wants to be the long blade. And I just thought, God, that is so smart. That is so smart. And I think he's right. Yeah, there's a lot riding on the other shit TMZ is reporting on. Because people love all of that stuff more so than some of the hard shit that's going to rack your brain or cause you to think. Or it's like, I just want to hear about Taylor Swift versus Scooter Braun or whatever else is going on that That's just kind of the entertainment, the pop culture stuff. I was going to say, yeah, I can confirm.

Yeah. Taylor Swift got it. I can confirm. I'm far more into Taylor Swift than I am into X-Men. I'm going to disagree with you on that, and I'll tell you why. Yeah, I mean we do silly stuff and fun stuff, but also what we cover is not celebrity. We cover pop culture.

Right. And pop culture includes all sorts of things, sports and, you know, and and politics and social justice and all sorts of things that we cover. And over the years, one of the things I've noticed, especially on the Web site, is that people are really interested in important things, too. You know, one of the biggest stories we broke was Donald Sterling's rant. And it changed basketball because they were really interested in it. And we had a similar kind of story with football, you know, with the NFL. And, you know, people are not frivolous. But at the same time, people are And, you know, people are not frivolous. And but at the same time, people are not, you know, this is to me the biggest one of the big issues with the media, that when you present

yourself, it's like, are you a serious guy? Are you a funny guy? Are you a sad guy? That's not what people are. A person can be funny, and then serious, and then all sorts of things. So to me, this is about showing a personality that's kind of broad where sometimes you can be silly and sometimes you can be super serious and all the stuff in between. So I've noticed on our site that people aren't saying, oh, I don't want to hear about the important things. Plenty of people wanted to hear about important things over the last year. For sure. Yeah, no doubt. As much as anything. So, you know, we're all people and we can look at things seriously and funny. Yeah, there's a reason.

This is in the zeitgeist of what people are interested in. I think that that's actually become even a broader problem than it is now. You're saying the media were like, we definitely used to do it back in the day. I think about it all the time where we would be like, ESPN said this. And it's like, well, ESPN is a million different fucking people. And it happens with us now. We're like, oh, Barstool is doing that? No, no, Barstool is not.

I am. I work for Barstool, but I'm doing it. And I have a different kind of thing. But I think it's even gotten bigger where people don't even say ESPN or Barstool or TMZ anymore. People say the media. It's like the media said, what the fuck does that mean right or the mainstream media it's like you know it's just it's broadening way too much where there's there's a million different types of people in the media it's it is interesting though that tmz i think has become uh i probably i would say the most trustworthy news outlet in a

way where um it's at the point for me where it's like i'll wait till tmz especially on social media where people rush to get their takes off and like with tiger recently we made the mistake of believing the first one but it was like well wait till tmz says something it's actually an accident yeah when when did that uh when do you think that became true for tmz where it's like this is we're not just you know we're not a tabloid we're like, this is, we're not just, you know, we're not a tabloid, we're not a inquirer, we're not just, you know, here for clicks, we're actually kind of reporting and people now know that's the reputation. Yeah. I mean, look, I, it's hard for me to know. You're probably in a better position to know that than me. I'm kind of insular. I mean,

you know, we just work all the time, but you know, you know, when we when we set it up, I mean, it was always set up as a news operation. I never understood why, you know, a site that covered pop culture or celebrity news or whatever else. It's all the same thing. I mean, you use the same skills in, you know, reporting whatever the field is you're using the same skills. So, you know, you get good producers and you get, you know, lawyers to vet things and researchers and all so you know i mean really from the beginning that was the plan i mean we had we had that system set up what so from day one it was like we got to make sure we hired the right a certain level of lawyers reporters personalities all that yeah i mean it's always been that. And

I'm not going to say we haven't been silly and whatever, because we have. But again, to me, it's just kind of part of a personality rather than just saying, OK, this is who we are. We can be, you know, funny and we can be really serious. And that's really the goal here. So I don't know. I mean, look, I mean, 2000 2000 what was it 2006 we did you know the mel gibson story you know on pacific coast highway so you know we've been kind of in the space for a long time now is there uh in the never-ending race to be like first with news but also correct with the news is there uh other like a harsh penalty Let's say if somebody runs with something too soon, or do you have a certain like protocol where it's got to meet all of this

before you run with it? Because I think that's where people always get burned is they want to get it out. I want to be first. And then they're always inevitably wrong. You guys are pretty fast, but almost always right. So that's a,

it's impressive. Sometimes you make the mistake of thinking we're pretty fast when you don't know how long we've worked on something before you see it. Yeah, right, right, right. And there are so many things we don't do, either because it's not right to do or we don't know it. And you've got to know it. And that isn't – look, I'm not saying we're perfect because we're not. And have we made mistakes?

Yes. But we really take that seriously and try not to make them and we'll give up a story before we do something like that we just don't roll the you know when you roll the dice you know people see that yeah and you know if you're wrong here and there all of a sudden people start yeah i mean you guys are saying it so we take that really seriously we really do what was it i forgot i was gonna say did i shut you up wait yeah you did i had i had a fucking question son of a god damn it harvey mesmerized you you did i was like enraptured oh god damn it what was the uh oh i know what i was gonna say we were talking about silly and i i do have to say I noticed something in the change in Silly to the TMZ voice.

And he's a little more serious in the trailer for this. Yeah, I mean, we have a couple of different voices. And, yeah, this UFO thing is so serious. I mean, we did not approach this. You're not going to see a joke or anything on this show. This is a really serious look, you know, with Harvard scientists and Navy pilots and Pentagon officials and U. left and why the cover-up and why the retaliation. We have new video that nobody's ever seen that's really interesting. And then how do you go forward from here? What do you do?

So there was a lot in this thing, and you ain't going to see no jokes. Did you ever get to a point where you had government pushback or anything like that, where people were saying, like, you've come far enough? We didn't really work with the government other than some senators that, you know, we needed permission because there are people, you know, like I said, these former Pentagon people who were in the government who worked on this stuff, who know a lot. So, you know, I think the government's not going to talk about what we really want to know. A lot of this is still classified. You know, one of the crazy things to me that Jeremy Corbell said, which is so true, he's an investigative filmmaker. You know, he said over the weekend after the report came out, he said, so the Pentagon is saying we don't know if it's U.S. technology.

That should scare the crap out of everybody if it's true that the Pentagon doesn't know if it's U.S. technology. Of course they know. Of course they know. And it's not. Do you was this a personal interest of yours, UFOs in general? Or did you make the decision to let's pursue this? Or how does a project like this even come about? Fox came to us, and I was always interested in it but not passionate about it. And we all had to get a quick education that went way beyond what we knew. And I am now really passionate about this because I think it's a really important thing to understand. I'm not passionate in the sense of saying, oh,

I know what it is. I'm passionate because we don't. Right. And I think that's super important for the country and the world to figure out. It's a little like Matrix, a little like red pill, blue pill. Once once you kind of go down the path and start, especially learning some of the stuff you probably learned, it's like regular old trivial stuff doesn't seem to matter as much where you're like, I gotta know. I gotta figure this out because there's this big grand mystery

that the world is just not seemingly taking serious enough. I hope the documentary really pulls that out of people. That was the goal. That was the goal. I mean, the goal is really to get people to think, too. And, you know, because I think the mistake some people make is they walk in with a premise,

and they say, we think it's this, and we're going to spend the next hour justifying it. We flipped that. We said, here are the things that the government says it could be. Let's look at each one, one by by one and see what we're left with. I like that. That's the way we are. Because I feel like so many documentaries these days do just start with, like, here's what we believe.

Innocent, guilty, whichever. And then we'll show you exactly what happened. I always think back to Making a Murder where it's like, Stephen Avery's innocent. Here's seven hours why. And it's like, well, he probably did it actually. Never mind. Yeah. And I like where it's like, look, it could be anything. Here's seven hours. Why? And it's like, well, he probably did it, actually. Never mind. Yeah. And I like where it's like, look, it could be anything. Here's here's here's the options.

What you're a lot of these a lot of these, you know, it sells better if you have a clear point of view. If you're doing a story where you're saying we don't know, that's not as on the surface, at, compelling as saying, here's what we think and now we're going to prove it. Yeah, because you're not giving someone something where they can show up to a cocktail party and be like, guess what I know because I watched an hour or something. Yeah, you can't just regurgitate. I will tell you this. What it is going to do is people who dismiss it and say, ah, it's probably U.S., it's probably Russia, they're going to be shocked. All right. We have a question here that we've asked throughout

the years uh i'm interested in your take now if let's say aliens are real or i should say when they you know reveal themselves to be real uh and they were to come down and the u.s the the world had to send one person to be the ambassador for the human race to make first contact, who would you send up there? Or out there? Because I'm starting to think Harvey Levin might be a good idea, by the way. He's got the legal background. He's got the pop culture. He knows people. He knows how

to present himself. You might not be a bad choice, Harvey. I'm going with Oprah. Alright. The sit-down with Oprah and E forward to that i can just see them i i just i'm going with oprah i can't ever go wrong with her uh did you ever envision uh this like for your life i mean i'm sure when you started out uh with like that legal background that was there always a a idea to be in as well, or did that just kind of – did you stumble your way into this empire?

I was a law professor. Right. So, no. And it just kind of – over the years, stuff happened. And just – I was writing a column for the LA Times and did a radio show on law and just stuff happened. So just, you know, that's what I tell like my, you know, the young people on my staff, which is that you just can't plan out your life because you don't know. And there are twists and turns. And then what you got to do is keep your eyes open so you can look at each twist and turn and say, is this a good opportunity? Something

I want, something I don't, but you've got to keep your eyes open. You've got to get an inside deal with Kris Jenner and the Kardashians, right? Right? Right? Right, Harvey? I've got to say, Kris Jenner... I thought you were going to say Kris for the ambassador. Yeah, you send her up.

Yeah. If they're hostile. If they're hostile, you send them to Kris. I will tell you something. I have known Chris Jenner for many, many years. I kind of worked with her. Well, she was somebody that I would talk to during the O.J. Simpson case. And what is that? Twenty twenty six years ago. Yep. And so I've known her for a long time and she's a great example that back then there was no way in the world you would guess that she would evolve into what she has today. There's just no way. And, you know, I remember talking to Kim Kardashian when she was 13 years old when she picked up the phone and I was calling her dad.

And who would have thunk, you know? Yeah, right. Well, the same thing for you as well. I mean, right. you know right well the same thing for you as well i mean right it's like you i don't think you ever envisioned when you're a law professor that you'd be uh not only doing this entertainment stuff but then also doing you know ufo specials with you know trying to debunk theories and all that so nobody knows i i will say it it definitely beats the practice of law a little more interesting yeah i promise you guys that.

I'm in a similar situation. I took one pre-law class and I'm happy I went the way I did today. I'm not sure how invested you were, but I'll buy that. I sat in one then dropped out of college. It worked out. Alright, well we appreciate the time and I very

much am looking forward to the special. TMZ Investigates UFOs. It'll be on tonight on Fox. So hopefully. 8 o'clock, 7 central. I hope it opens up some eyes, and hopefully when we get some real answers one day, you can run it back with us, and we'll talk again, all right? Absolutely.

Hey, guys, really, it's been a pleasure being on your show. Thank you, Harvey. Have a good one. Thanks, guys. Bye. We almost killed him. Anybody who's not subscribed, we said,

you're going to fucking put us in the grave if you watch these videos and don't subscribe. It literally almost happened to John. So close. Fucking close. So fucking close.

Maybe I can taste it. Subscribe so we don't have to look at that fat goiter neck ever again because it's actually going to kill us if you're not subscribed to our channel. And make sure you leave a comment below. What meal would you give to the first aliens

to ever make contact here on Earth? What's the most American meal you can think of? Bite. What was that? Bite. Bite.