KFC Radio - Feits Spends Christmas Sick and Alone... Again Ft. Ian Fidance and Mo Amer

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

- Elf on the Shelf is the biggest pain - Feits' 24 hour Christmas live stream - would you fuck your step-sister? - Feits' Covid Brain Notebook - Jackie's Bean-sock workouts - Jacqued Up NFL Recap Week 15 - Top 5 Christmas songs - AITA - Voicemails - something that comes easily to you - lottery ticket presents - dick voices Interviews: - Ian Fidance - Mo Amer +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - Intro 14:40 - Elf on the Shelf rant 23:00 - Feitelberg Christmas Live Stream 49:23 - Covid Brain Notebook 01:01:33 - Bean Sock Workouts 01:21:23 - Jacqued Up Week 15 01:36:46 - Top 5 Christmas Songs 01:52:23 - AITA 02:08:59 - Voicemails 02:23:19 - Ian Fidance Interview 03:14:22 - Mo Amer Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hellofresh: Go to HelloFresh.com/kfc14 and use code kfc14 for up to 14 free meals AND 3 free gifts! NHTSA: For more information about the Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over campaign, visit https://barstool.link/bssNHTSA Simplisafe: Go to https://barstool.link/Simplisafekfc for 40% off your entire system. Thursday Boots: Head on over to https://barstool.link/ThursdaybootsKFC and try a pair today with free shipping & free returns Upstart: Go to https://barstool.link/upstartKFC Whistlepig: Visit https://barstool.link/piggybackryesmash for more info and make sure you grab a box in select stores!You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. This is one of the most accurate things I've ever written down. Ever in my life written down. Oh, boy. This is, if you know what I'm talking about, you're going to know that this is the fucking, this is true. And just a great observation okay if a girl has knuckles that are wider than her fingers It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's the COVID edition.

It finally happened. I'm glad it happened, man. I thought I was getting immune. I was sure i was immune i don't know how i still don't have it but johnny covid got that cocoa and uh bro it sucks i'll be honest with you it sucks breaking news you heard it here first the coronavirus quote sucks it's not fun man i'm today Today marks the seventh day I've been sick. Yeah, man.

I mean, that's what they've been saying for a couple years, huh? Turns out they were pretty true. It's pretty real. I had, like, sorry. I had the flu. Like, I had the hardcore flu. I slept for 24 hours straight. Yeah.

Like, I mean mean not straight straight that's crazy but you know what i mean like i didn't get out of bed i was i was pretty much unconscious for about 24 hours straight um i've it's it's like a if i can speak for omicron um the i think it's how you pronounce it i don't speak g. The, the, fuck. COVID brain. There it is. COVID brain. Foggy ass COVID brain.

Oh, it's like, it's like a Wonka candy where it just keeps turning into new flavors. I've had all kinds of illnesses. It doesn't make any sense. I've had the flu. It all started last Tuesday when I put on a sweater. And I thought I wasn't sick. I thought I just put on a sweater, and that's what was wrong with me. Because you know when you put on a sweater and you get, like,

that scratchy throat? And you, like, sweater people know what I'm talking about. You take your sweater out of the closet. It's been in there for, like, a year. You haven't worn it in about a year. You wear sweaters, like, i probably have 30 sweaters i wear four i wear a sweater four times it's always a different sweater they get a lot of dust on them is what i'm saying about sweaters dusty things and you're wearing dirty clothes okay it's a dusty yeah and then he and then you

get like you know you got a scratchyy throat when you put on a sweater. It's like, it's all dusty. You have an allergic reaction. This is what sweater wearers deal with every day. Take your word for it, you disgusting filth monger. The fucking, I just thought I had a sweater throat going on. And then I had. Sweater throat, Not a thing.

Yeah, no, sweater throat's a thing. People know about it. And the... Can I do another live in recording poll? Is sweater throat a thing? People won't know what I'm talking... People won't know what that means, but if they hear what I'm talking about now, they'll know what it means.

You get... If you're wearing a sweater, you're just kind of sitting there all night pretending you're not fucking miserable bro that is disgusting if you wear sweaters that are so old and dusty it chokes your air supply you're disgusting that's just what happens like if you don't wear clothes for a year they get like dusty yeah it's not dirty that's just what happens with no can't you like beat it out like an old dirty i mean i mean sure if i was in the lower east side in 1872 i guess i could go beat the dust out of it but i'm sure there are ways people do it i just fucking put it on okay so you thought you had a dirty sweater on but it turned out to be the worldwide pandemic.

It turned out to be COVID. But honestly, the worst part of COVID is having to talk to other people who've had COVID. Can I tell you what the worst part of COVID is? Everybody thinking that they need to document their COVID experience. Because we know now. We get it. Everyone's like, day two, day three, here's what happened day four, here's what happened day five. You know, don't care anymore.

No, the worst part is talking to someone who's had it. Because that ends up. Is it a who had it worse? No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know why scientists are even trying to beat COVID because all of your friends have already beat it. They already know what to do. Everyone's a doctor.

Everyone's a scientist and a virologist. I got COVID. I had people reaching out to me. Have you heard of fluids? Yeah, right. Get some vitamin C in you. You're going to want to have a lot of fluids. You're going to want a lot of fluids you're gonna want a

lot of vitamin d uh what about zinc you take you taking zinc like so yeah guess what i did i laid in bed for three days whenever i was conscious i ate sour patch kids i'm not gonna start telling people that's the fucking move that's just what happened while i was sick for a few days yeah no i'm i mean i'm over it don't care to hear your story anymore also just resign to the fact the whole world is gonna get it it's we've gone bad shit it's like and now people are like complaining if you're vaccinated or not like we've proven if you have if you have the vaccine or don't have the vaccine you can get the fucking disease all the same so nothing matters anyway this so that you don't fucking die get the vaccine or don't have the vaccine you can get the fucking disease all the same so nothing

matters so that you don't fucking die get the vaccine so that when you do get it you don't need to be on a ventilator and you just get sick for a few days and eat some sour patch kids but other than that the spread is going to be the spread dog it just is how it's going to go i'll say this the the house i was staying in which is oh yeah wait let's talk about that because i'll tell you what the worst part of getting COVID is from a person who doesn't who hasn't had it yet. I feel like even still, and maybe it's going to soften a little bit because of this like outbreak because it's been fucking crazy like everyone's gotten it. I feel like getting it and telling people is still super embarrassing. Then COVID became the new STD and you had to reach out and contact trace and tell people. And you're lucky if, you know,

you reached out to the podcast squad and it's like, okay, we're around John every day. But if you went on a date or you saw someone you don't usually see, or you had a guest, it's bad enough. Going away for the weekend with several friends and their their children and ruining their time has got to be the all-time worst place to get covid there there is i also gave to my mother by the way um the uh the uh i feel like fair play like you know like you left me alone on christmas and you let them she's thrilled she didn't even

do math she just canceled christmas right away didn't even consider being like well how many days she's like all right christmas let me do the math carry the one will i be ready for christmas eve you know what fuck it i'll see you in february yeah christmas is over uh the uh the um it does suck it's like you you very much feel like a left because everything i've done you go about being like ah i get it like well i'm following protocols but i'm not gonna just stay in my house like i right i'm gonna go out and you know yeah there's a chance i get it so you never really care personally but then once you do like get it you are kind of like ab kind of a piece of shit like particularly with like children in the house and i mean all of my friends did not like they they were obviously very they're like don't worry

i apologize so many times like to the point where it's definitely i was annoying for apologizing so often but i don't know they hate you theyizing so often. Yeah, but don't, no, they hate you. They hate you. They definitely, I don't know if I've been talking to the mic this whole time or not. They definitely are being polite, but when they went to their own rooms and locked the leper away in the dungeon, they were definitely like, yo, fuck John, fuck that guy. It was, it was, I mean i mean honestly the thing is you could have

done that and been like pretty fair a thousand times over the over the last two years a billion times you can make the argument i was irresponsible about something a million times yeah this is the one time i actually tried i i didn't go out i was gonna go to eric d'alessandro uh i was gonna go see his comedy show on saturday i didn't go i sent him a d to go to Eric D'Alessandro. I was going to go see his comedy show on Saturday. I didn't go. I sent him a DM. I was like, look, man, I'm just trying to get out of Dodge on Tuesday. I'm just laying low until then.

I got a COVID test on Monday to make sure I was negative. I was negative. Got out there Tuesday, sick as a dog. We got the text from John. Update, super positive for COVID for covid super super duper positive the at home test it's like look make sure you look really close even a faint pink line means it my shit was fucking burgundy all right right well you know the the um the initial negatives, it turns out when you pack your nostrils with tobacco, it might have an effect on the nostril swab. There's one PSA I think we can safely put out there. drugs or tobacco or foreign substances in your nose where you need to get like a test of of the

of the mucus or whatever it's gonna fuck with the test well who'd have thunk it i mean the the the fucking the snuff has my bacteria on it why wouldn't the snuff just why wouldn't the snuff just act as the middleman and be like hey here's what the here's what the mucus said imagine if like imagine if like snuff was the answer or something and like they ran that like the tests like i mean i guess at home you wouldn't notice it but imagine you got a test at like the lab and they were like wait a minute like this snuff seems to be like attacking the virus and everybody across the world just blasting off with their snuff everyone should be doing snuff it's really fun can i can i tell you something right now what change the gears for a second i don't know whether

we should do this or not but for our loyal fans who are watching today's episode on the youtube behind john's left shoulder is his microwave and it is blinking oh and it's probably dry no i think we maybe let it be and just drive people insane that that does drive me crazy because i can see it from when i sit on the couch i can watch the tv it's it it does that oh wait no i stopped it early never mind i was gonna say it does that even if you let it run all the way but i stopped it early you that's a what do you think do you think we ruined their experience because there's some people who are probably like, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off. I let it go. Today's episode is brought to you by HelloFresh.

So the question is, are you still going to rattle them pots and pans over the holiday season and cook up those HelloFresh meals while you are sick at home, Johnny Boy? Because I know you need some fresh greens. Oh, you know what? What? those holiday uh those hello fresh meals while you are sick at home johnny boy because i know you need some fresh greens oh oh you know what what it's monday that means my hello fresh is here so i'm gonna go get it real quick okay i'll tell the people about the deal they can get so if you don't know hello fresh is the number one at home meal kit company meaning they send you a box with the uh with like dry. Everything comes refrigerated, pre-packaged, pre-portioned with all the food, all the raw materials, all the ingredients.

It comes with the recipe cards and the instructions. So you know, all right, I'm going to throw the chicken in. Let me check. All right. I'm going to put it on 425 for 30 minutes. I'm going to pour this little bag in, little bag in this little jar in boom, boom, boom, done. No, you don't have to have any skills. You don't have to know how to be a chef. You don't have to know how to cook. None of that. It's all, uh, it's basically dummy proof. It's idiot proof. Cause if a guy like Feidelberg can master it, then anybody can become a gourmet chef with hello fresh. Now, not only is it fresh, not only will you save money because you're not ordering out, not only do you get some healthy, fresh food in you instead of, you know, ordering,

you know, fatty takeout food. Not only do you learn how to cook, but on top of all of it, the best thing of all is the deal that they offer. It started at 10 and then they gave us 12 and now we are at 14 free meals which is actually like 28 because it's 14 meals but it's for two people so 28 portions plus if that's not enough three free gifts now uh i'm sure some people are thinking like what is it just like uh you know grilled chicken and like rice oh no no we're talking about balsamic and fig beef tenderloin ah we're talking about pecan crusted salmon oh what are you talking about what we're talking about what we got here cheap pan walnut crusted salmon baby got that this week we're talking sweet potato soup what's that got some one pan santa fe pork tacos

sure honey dijon chicken dijon he says i'm eating good i'm eating good this week listen they got soup for cold winter nights they've got desserts for the sweet tooth uh and they got you covered so especially if you're locked up at home or it's getting too cold or you're cooking for the sweet tooth, and they got you covered. So especially if you're locked up at home or it's getting too cold or you're cooking for the holidays, go to HelloFresh.com slash KFC14, KFC14, and then use code KFC14 to get the 14 free meals. I mean, I feel ridiculous saying that. And the three free gifts. I don't even know what the gifts are, but they're straight from Santa Claus. I feel ridiculous saying that. And the three free gifts.

I don't even know what the gifts are, but they're straight from Santa Claus. So they've got 50 menu items. So choose from them all. Hellofresh.com slash KFC14. Use promo code KFC14. Before we really dive into everything, because we got two interviews. We're going to do Hello. We're going to do Am I the Asshole and Top Fives,

because today is our one episode for the week, because we're going to do hello. We're going to do am I the asshole and top fives because today is our one episode for the week because we're going to take off for Christmas. I got to give a shout out. Let me grab him real quick. John, I know this is something you haven't done yet. I know you've probably seen it on the Internet. But I just want to give a shout out to all my peoples doing the Elf on the Shelf. This thing, this, hello, I keep saying hello fresh. This thing, Elf on the Shelf, is worse than COVID. This was a disease. This is a virus that was man-made and we unleashed it on the world.

And now you can't put it back in the fucking tube this they made this in wuhan and they unleashed it upon the planet and now we can't stop it and it just ruins every single night of the holiday season because you can't you can't not do it and john so most people i don't say i don't say most people but we started it thanksgiving so after thanksgiving the holiday season starts and so for every night you got to hide this little fucker and um i don't know about everybody again but we do notes so this guy we named him jangle jangle and so jangle jangle so little motherfucker, he writes notes to the kids every single night. And when you're like 30 nights deep, it's starting to get like, I don't know. Notes?

Yeah. Notes, John. Like, hey, like, hey, Shay, I saw you at dance class yesterday. Like, you were really being polite. And Keegan, you know, I saw when you were hitting your sister. Santa's watching. So make sure that you don't blah blah blah blah i think that's you shouldn't do that oh you shouldn't because

once you start you can't fucking stop and look that's that's creepy your children have a stalker uh i would character i would categorize it more as a peeping Tom watcher. You have a watcher that is basically a spy reporting back to Santa Claus. It actually works really well. I'd be like, yo, Jingle Jangle's watching. And they like stop right away. He's going to tell Santa Claus like, oh, I'm sorry. But, bro, when it happens, this is what i thought the elf on the shelf was like a decoration

parents create an imaginary stalker for their child what is wrong with you people because once you start because it is it is an effective tool but eventually the benefits do not outweigh the the bullshit you got to deal with and as as a divorced dad, like I only have them a few nights a week. So it's half the problem. If you're at home all the time, seven days a week doing this shit, you've done it like 30 fucking times. And it's gotten to the point where we started, I don't know if this was a good idea or a bad idea, but we started doing jokes, like Christmas jokes, like knock, knock and, you know, this and that. And now we're at the bottom of the barrel on that one.

You know what fucking yesterday's was? How do you get inside of a reindeer's house? You ring the deer bell. Like this joke fucking sucks. John, let me read you. John, that was like the best that I still had. Like some of them were like, what is Santa name his dog? His puppy. Rudolph. Santa paws. It paws it's like okay you know whatever some of them don't make any god like there's not even like a pun that really can be like oh i see what they were doing with that it's just like no no these these are just dumb statements christmas knock knock jokes Christmas knock-knock jokes. Let me read some of them. Knock-knock.

Who's that? Donut. Donut who? Donut open until Christmas. That's not a fucking joke. Knock-knock. Who's that? Mary.

Mary Magdalene? Come on in, suck my dick. Merry Christmas. Like, what? Oh, here on in. Suck my dick. Merry Christmas. Like, what? Oh, here's one. Knock, knock. Who's that? Wayne.

Wayne Gretzky? Wayne in a manger. That's not a fucking joke. Wayne in a manger? It's supposed to be like, away in a manger. Away in a manger. Wayne in a manger. Where are you? Are these jokes provided to you? And whom no this i just so i just googled like christmas

knock knock jokes christmas jokes for children and they're just like this one this has to be the worst who's there hannah hannah who h Hannah Partridge in a pear tree. It's like... No, it's a good one. Of course you like that. I like that one. That one's not. Hannah Partridge. I like that one.

Holly. Knock, knock. Who's there? Holly. Holly who? Holly up already and elf me. Holly up? Holly up already. And elf me. Holly up. Elf me in the ass. Holly up already and elf me, and elf me wrap this. They're just replacing, like elf replaces the word help. What? That's not a joke. Elf me wrap this present. That doesn't even sound like help. Elf my face. these are just not knock knock who's there dick dick who dick in your ass fucking jangle jangle so then so this is how fucking stupid it gets

caitlin got a new one this season and she got a black one so she has a black fucking elf and i went over their house like when this all started i was like you have a fucking black one i have the white one what are we gonna do here so i was trying to keep up that they were the same one and then shea was like no no that's a different one he has a different skin color then are the kids so confused when he uses the n-word in his letter ah imagine that but you can't even type those ones he's like i'm in trouble y'all ninjas better be good for christmas okay so then she also buys him uh uh pajamas because now you're getting accessories for the fucking elf john so then she says to me she says to me why doesn't jingle dangle have any clothes he's got this is this one pair of clothes all right just shut the fuck up man this thing is a

catastrophe and it's it's it's it's this is worse than dope sick this is worse than the opium epidemic the opioid epidemic. They need to investigate the people who invented elf on the goddamn show. But I just shout out to the parents who do do it because your kids love it. And they I mean, my kids every morning are like they love it and they they think it's funny and they take it seriously and they can't get it but i wake up sometimes in the morning realizing i forgot it and i gotta scramble and hope to god i can get a note written and hide this thing before they realize because they wake up all like out of it and uh i'm like fuck fuck fuck fuck i'm like throwing the thing just you know scribbling on the paper shay's old enough now to be like

that's like there's like two lines written on the on the note and i start freestyling i start just making shit up and she's like did the note really say lines written on the, on the, the note and I started freestyling. I started just making shit up. And she's like, did the note really say that? Like, fuck, this kid's going to know that Santa's not real because dad forgot to put out the elf one night. God damn it. But to every parent who remembers to every parent who does it, you're at the finish line. Cheers to you. And fuck this little guy.

I'm thinking, I'm hoping they're getting old enough where we can be like uh he has to go to the little babies you know what i mean yeah yeah i uh i think i have a solve for you there on the note though if you have to keep doing the note next year do one note that's about 30 words and then they get one word a day they have to puzzle it together oh that sounds like something i'll make you do for me next year next year i'm just gonna i'm gonna do uh i'll do the jersey short note i'm gonna be like dear shay and keegan last night at karma ronnie was they'd be like what what does this even mean it's time for you to learn, kids. So we're almost there. Finish line is within sight. Finish up your elf game strong.

Speaking of Christmas, because of the COVID, I will be alone on Christmas again this year. We are doing a 24-hour Christmas alone live stream. Alone on Christmas. This is, without a doubt, the most depressing thing we have ever done. You've done alone on the Super Bowl. You have been alone on Christmas as a child. Twice, by the way.

Twice. Twice, yes. This is my third time having a rather serious illness on christmas let that die on christmas huh one day you will die on christmas yeah 2021 um the uh the i can't wait till it's like what was it it's like well it was the um the appendix the one year and e coli the other year and e coli first it's getting worse right coli then appendicitis then i don't know i i would guess covid has the highest kill rate of all three probably and then like the fourth one's gonna be like well he was uh he was hanging in the closet on the fourth one when he was alone so uh yeah there's not gonna be a fifth

but it's gonna be subscriber only i think can only watch it or only comment well no yeah we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna have a comment you know we're gonna talk it up we'll chop it up you can come in and out throughout the 24 hours um and you can leave comments to john you can tell him to do things you can i would imagine it's gonna over the 24 hours the comment section will start to get pretty creative and fun. I can see you playing like rock, paper, scissors virtually through the comment section or something. Like something's going to come out of this,

but you got to be a subscriber in order for John to see your comments. So go to the YouTube page, KFC Radio, click the subscribe button. And so you can celebrate the most depressing Christmas of all time. But low key, are you excited? Fuck yeah. Yeah. Like this is something like in your station of life,

like if I couldn't see my kids on Christmas, I don't know. I was thinking about this because I was really pretty sure I was going to get COVID. And my whole thing is like, I get very guilty if I'm not around my kids, especially being like a single dad. But if I have a reason that I can't be, and it's like out of my control,

I'm like, well, okay, see you next time. See you in two weeks, kids. I'm going to go have fun by my fucking self now. As long as I'm not- I'm going to see my family. We just push Christmas to like, I think like the 26th, 27th. That's the other thing. Just pick a different day.

Yeah. It doesn't fucking matter, you know? I mean, I don't know if we pushed Christmas, but like they're all going to do Christmas, but like they'll just see them when you see them. I will see them all. I'm flying from Boston to Arizona anyway, so I'm going up there. I'll go up there probably. I'll

probably go there at 27th. People get so bent out of shape about dates. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something let me tell you something you're a little uh you're a little upset that you can't celebrate christmas on the 25th of december guess when christmas actually is it's in fucking april okay we moved the date by a matter of months and years to just pick a new christmas so you can just pick one a couple days later too don't get all bent out of shape about it.

It's like all of these things, or the people who go out, you know, when the reservations are hard to get and the prices are twice as much for Valentine's Day. Just do it on February 15, 16, 17. Do it before, do it after. Make up your own fucking dates. I wanted to move Shay's birthday.

Remember that? I said i her birthday was uh on the 12th and i posted i said happy birthday and i got a few comments being like the real one knows her birthday is in is on june 12th because you know who cares dates are made up all this shit is a social construct it's made up. The one thing I'm very concerned about during this live stream is, and I'm going to do it, and I'm going to definitely do it because I'm going to say it now. I was going to maybe just skip it for a day or whatever,

but, like, I've been exercising because I'm stuck in the house. I'm concerned about exercising on a live stream. Wait, you're going to exercise? Yeah. Why? It's what I do during the day oh so you're you're gonna do like your full regular day no matter like just a day in the life of john i mean there will be heavy times where i'm just gonna be on the computer but yeah i mean 24 hours straight

there's gonna be some me time that's what my next question is oh you mean masturbate yeah the me time like are we gonna like you know what you should do is just put the the computer outside the door like a dog like when you lock the dog outside for sex just lock the computer outside for masturbation yeah it's gonna be so funny okay 24 hours of john it's like forget about a christmas story 24 hours of John. It's like, forget about a Christmas story. 24 hours of depressed. John Feidelberg is going to blow this out of the water. But if you could be so kind as to maybe alert us when self-care is coming, because I think it'll be very funny to be like, like John, like the comment section at six o'clock when John's masturbating is going to be hilarious. And it's like, how long has he been in there?

It's been a few minutes like that or maybe we even do like a second screen sort of thing if we could somehow you know if you could post in the if you get on your phone and you can drop in the comments what your master you too can masturbate alongside john feidelberg if you subscribe to the i can tell you what it is right now. Probably it's Luna Star. You want a Luna Star kick? I'm on. Yo, so we did the Pornhub statistics last episode.

And one of the top amateur couples is The Story of Us, which I mentioned. I was like, oh, The Story of Us. You got to watch it. I had mixed them up. I went and watched the story of us, John, this guy, you don't, you haven't seen it. Have you? Bro. One of the funniest comments I've ever seen. The top comment just said, there he goes again, pissing all that cum. I was like, what does that mean? John, this guy, this guy pisses cum.

It doesn't, It doesn't shoot. It's a stream of cum. And he cums like five times per cum. Like he has like a grand orgasm that has five different cums. And part of it is just pissing. And a lot of people are like, all right, this N-word just straight up isn't human, right? It is bizarre. It is bizarre it is bizarre john so if i may recommend that for your uh during your 24 hours um the um but luna star what's that about i don't know man i i uh i fucking i was in bed

uh with covid and i just kind of popped on the old ph and and there was one of hers on the front page and it was it struck me because it's funny i've actually wrote it down because it's kind of how a lot of new porn is titled not a lot but like a lot of like the the individually shot from from the professionals but they're amateur videos if that makes sense okay a lot of times it'll just be like blank verse blank like it's like a heavyweight fight now you know what i mean like it used to be like big anal ass is nine this was just like luna star verse ricky who's gonna come out on top i fucking love that dude big title fights don't need a tagline it's just mayweather pack you out baby that's it yo i had a moment and i'm i'm pretty sure i'm

gonna be like alone on this but i'm interested to get your take i thought just just now, like we've joked about the step porn for a long time, right? But I just recently thought about whether or not I would fuck my stepsister. Because when I think of step porn, I keep thinking of stepmom. And I do think that's kind of weird to fuck your stepmom. Yeah, you're crossing the line. But I think I would fuck my stepsister. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, right?

It depends on age. Like, if we met when we were two, no. But, like, if I met and we met and I'm, like, 17? Well, wait, wait. You cut out there. When would you say no? What age? Like, we we grew up together right right okay agree but if i was 17 but also if i was like 28 30 oh i mean well in those cases

obviously that's not even your step sister that's just like a fucking that's if you didn't live with this person they're not related to you at all okay that's not even your step whatever totally that's exactly what yeah if you i have i have friends who have like their parents got divorced and remarried later in life and like they were 30 and got like a 30 year old brother they don't call it their stepbrother that's like that's tom you know yeah and that's fair game to fuck yeah i mean it's it's gonna be you know a mess it's gonna be problematic but like we're only human like that's bobby i didn't i didn't even know that was ever something something with someone was debating oh well that's what i wonder because i just i just always thought about the mom thing and never really the sister thing like bobby is not fucking marcia brady you know what i mean like

those those kids grew up together they basically are like siblings but if you know you're if you're a teenager if you're of age if you're an adult and you're in your 20s or whatever and dad happens to bring home a fucking rocket who's just gonna like be in the house and around and stuff, I'm going to fuck her. Sorry, dad. Like, I don't know. Don't, don't bring that ass around me. You know, you, you, you got a hot new wife and she's got a hot daughter with her.

Well, Hey, we all win. That's just the fact. This is how it's going. So it was, it was inspired by, you know, I saw this fucking thumbnail. It said like my stepsister was a big fat ass. And I was like, I mean, I would have to fuck i mean i would have to fuck that i would have to fuck that it's easy i i i don't think this this was never a question i never i i guess i never really thought about it because i never had to but do you think that we're the perverts like you think we put this to a poll that most

people would say no i won't fuck my step-sibling no i think most people would again if you're in human nature you just like that's just a person in your life they have literally no relation to No, I think most people would. Again, if you're an adult. Human nature. That's just a person in your life. They have literally no relation to you. Now, are you allowed to date them, though? You're allowed to. You're allowed to, but yes, you're legally allowed to, but socially, are you allowed to?

I think it depends on who you are, who you two are as people, and what you look like, like everything in if you're if you're two ugly people and if you're two ugly weird people it's creepy but also isn't it kind of nice like gregarious people then it's fucking it's a funny cute like little story yes but also but also if you're ugly and gross isn't that almost like two birds with one stone for your mom and dad like we have i have a daughter you have a son no one was ever gonna like marry them or fuck them they're weird they're gross and now you do if my parents are getting married so i can get someone like fucking leave me out of this you weirdos but if it's just a you know a little bonus for that i guess yeah that could

that could that could work. I don't know. Never mind. Don't fucking bring me up in your fucking wedding bed. I don't need to know. I don't need to know. Have anything to do with you and your dick and your penis and your vagina and all that shit. Leave me out of it.

Oh, now you're a purity. Now you're a big prude, huh? I absolutely am, yes. When it comes to what my parents, what reason my parents fuck for, it better not be me. What, oh, also, we are doing a KFC radio Secret Santa, but we have to push that back because of, we don't want to give the presents virtually.

That doesn't have the same effect so for everybody else who has to push their christmas back you can go ahead and push your kfc radio secret santa back we can do it all at the same time if you want um so we all have we all drew our names we all have our person we all got to get our gifts so we'll do that on the vlog i say we do that on the vlog um and uh every do that on the vlog. And every week, Pabst has been putting out the behind-the-scenes KFC radio vlog, which is all very funny stuff. It truly – I said this when we were talking about the Always Sunny guys because Mac and Glenn and Rob, Glenn, and Charlie have a podcast now.

Did you listen to the episode i told you about i didn't listen to the whole thing i just picked the part about wrath bones there's one part of it that's so goddamn funny and so like it's it's just weird thinking about it in like in terms of things that like people would probably think it's weird that i would say this to someone i work with but they're they're talking about charlie is telling a story and he's talking about this actress who worked with them years and years and years ago and he's like it's judy drench or whatever her i don't know why that's yeah you know what i mean yeah and judy drench would be a good porn star name yeah and it was like it was like you remember she played the piano in so-and-so episode and and glenn's like yeah yeah yeah you

know what else she plays my mother in ap bio but you wouldn't know that because you haven't watched the show have you and charlie like doesn't even flinch she's because yeah no and yeah like like no i haven't watched your fucking show dude that's fucking hilarious to think about yeah because i don't read your blog i don't listen to your podcast like but when it's like you know glenn like was so proud of ap bio and we saved it by getting hulu to stream it and all that shit he wanted everyone to watch it and like charlie day didn't he was like no and he like he wasn't like oh no he's like yeah no no and like i would do that this someone and people would know because we don't really listen to each other's shows and stuff like that right

so like i'm like yeah no i listen to that dude and it would be fine because like we're are we're like uh you know friends and also like whatever you call it uh i don't know equals i guess in a sense not not totally but you know in a sense. Not totally, but, you know, in a sense. And then they're such a level above me where I'm like, that's crazy! Like, you wouldn't fuck us, your boy? But, like, yeah, I would do that. Again, I haven't listened to that show, dude.

Yeah, no, I don't subscribe to your fucking channel, or you fucking nuts. I barely subscribe to my own shit. Get out of here. Bro, when I go home, I watch Netflix, dude. Yeah, I'm not watching your dumbass show i i could not believe i found out for all my new york city people that charlie day worked at rathbones and and theoretically he's like a little bit older but not much older like we probably missed each other by not too much right yeah he's a little i would say he's i'd say he's probably eight or nine years older than you

but that's what i mean if he was like at my youngest if he was bar i guess you bar back when you're pretty young but the thought that charlie day think about that because so many almost everybody every actor comedian entertainer singer whatever bartends waitresses bar backs before that right yeah so like and if you live in these cities you live in la you live in new york there's a chance that like some guy collecting your empty bottles some dude with the trash can full of ice was you know like people were next to charlie day at Rathbones on Thanksgiving on St. Patrick's Day that year, having no idea that they were next to one of the funniest people alive. And they were probably like, here, take my empty dude, like, get the fuck out of here. You know, that is great. All those people at one point have been like, you know, dumpster people living, you know,

shitty jobs with managers, you know, talking shit about them and belittling them and they they they're the ones who made it and eventually we're like yeah well you know i i'm the funniest fucking show writer in the world but that thought of of charlie at wrath bones for 20 to the story i don't want to spoil all of it but he he says he bar backed at at uh wrath bones he he worked at st patrick's day they didn't give him any money of any of the tips. And he almost said he wanted to throw a brick through the window of Rathbones, which would have been.

The one Glenn's like, Oh, so you're gonna take it out of the whole organization. Yeah. Love it, man. That, that is,

uh, that's, that's one podcast that, Oh, and the reason I was saying it, um, I wasn't saying it. Oh, because we, so I i i tweeted that they shouldn't be allowed to have a podcast much like whitney cummings and now i see taylor tomlinson starting a podcast these people who are already wildly successful

should not be allowed to start podcasts because it's for the non- people. Podcasting is for those who can't do they podcast, you know? And so those guys can't just start and have this awesome podcast with an awesome hook where they go, they talk about every episode for like five minutes and then they talk about whatever they want, you know? And, and take all of our advertisers and downloads and all that shit. And John tweeted back at them saying, okay, well, we're going to have to go make an award winning or not award winning, unfortunately for

them. But you know, we're gonna have to make a great scripted sitcom. And I really think that like our little KFC radio family and the barstool setup is perfect for the next like great comedy because it's so fucking unique and so stupid with so many absurd storylines that where it's like back to stranger than fiction that uh we are we would be like perfect to do that to to to if anybody had any talent if anybody can do it holler at us because we're the next we could be the next always sunny if we didn't everyone else write it and start it for us yeah we just need someone else to do it i i do have uh a movie tagline that after you guys are tweeting that uh all right so hosts of a floundering dating advice podcast who have been secretly dating break up on air

which causes their podcast to become a mainstream success. So they have to, they have to figure out, do they stay together? So it's a, it's a guy and a girl. Guy and a girl. Yeah. And they have a popular podcast, but then they break up on the air. And now, now it gets like a million downloads. Their producer puts it out. It goes super viral. They start getting advertisers contacting them.

And I just, I'm going to steal your line. Just call it, save it for the show. I don't hate it. Pretty good. Put that one up with our other rom-coms. That's a fucking great one. That's on the rom-com list. Holy. We got to start writing movies, man. By the end of this year like next year my goal is

we have one like fully made we're trying to sell a script or something like that's some good ideas well let's just make it a gay couple so we mean john can play ourselves yeah yeah we play hyper masculine versions of ourselves, but we're gay. I like that. Like we're way more manly than we actually are, but we're also literally gayer. The the before we move on, I want to do a quick run through the notebook through the notebook oh wait one last thing i want to say uh i also don't hold me to this because it sounds like it's a decent amount of work but i am going to give out kfc radio 2021 awards to everybody on the show okay i'm going to come up with a couple categories and and there's gonna be it's gonna be a couple like good ones and a couple bad ones like the razzies like worst moments so there'll be like

best moment on the podcast best this like best this member best that member but also like worst fuck up and worst uh worst whatever like for the for the team not like the guests and shit i'm not gonna be like that person sucked right for us okay but maybe not because that's a lot like i said a lot of work um the uh the oh this over here the the notebook got a lot of work lately because i got covid brain and i got i got weird thoughts so you want to do a little covid brain uh segment uh covid brain notebook yeah all right covid brain notebook is brought to you by whistle pig this is one of the most important i'm gonna put this up there. I said that the Delta 8 3C was the product of 2021, the best podcast product and basically invention for my life in 2021.

Whistle Pigs whiskey cocktail in a can will be the most important. I didn't even realize. If you're getting Kevin popping a fucking noon bevy, you're a good drinker. That's what I mean. Because I haven't been, I haven't drank as much as I used to because the world went down this seltzer path and I didn't really like those, but I want to get like, but I like the idea of those, but I didn't like any of the tastes of a lot of them because I wanted like a whiskey drink. I wanted like a real cocktail.

I didn't want to just be like seltzer, you know? And so they're perfect for when you want to party and it's like, well, I don't want to like drink just beer and get bloated, but I don't want to drink straight liquor or this isn't the type of occasion to drink wine. Can't get a fancy drink, whatever. And along finally comes Whistlepig. Now we've been drinking. Whistlepig has been the sponsor for just like the regular rye whiskey but now they they sent over the um they call them the rye smash the like

cocktails in a can and this is even better than the fucking actual whiskey i was happy enough with whistle pig just being like this is a a quality bottle of rye that we're going to drink and promote. Now they introduce this. This one is the, this is fresh ginger lime, which is basically like a Moscow mule, but made with whiskey. And now I can finally be a part of the seltzer revolution, but with whiskey. If you're a whiskey guy, you're not drinking fucking white claws you're not doing that but now you can because not only are these tasty not only can you uh like drink them whether it's a summertime drink it's like summertime because it's a mule with the ginger lime it's also a whiskey drink so you can drink it during the winter eight percent alcohol by volume so you get a four pack of these you're done you're

good to go that's that's that's like eight beers right there eight eight everything else that's four percent you get double that so uh they have they come in ginger lime which i is far and away the best for me um uh a lemon citrus and then like a blackberry the three flavors right now i go ginger citrus and then the blackberry i'm not like really a blackberry guy but they're all they're all flavors at first that i was like oh i don't i don't know about that but then you realize that it's just like having a high-end whiskey cocktail uh because i always think of like whiskey like and coke you know what i mean jack whiskey and coke but now it's like

these are quality cocktails thrown in and i can drink again the most important revolution like important revelation in my life is going to be these again so if you're similar to me rye smashes the piggyback in a can uh is is going to be a life changer for you and also whistled pig is one of the greatest whiskeys of all time it's 10 out of 10 and during this ad read i just got a fucking idea um bingo one of the producers could you guys reach out to whistle pig and see if we could do a um a distillery tour in january because the justistlepig Distillery is in Vermont. Little vlog idea here. My parents got a house in Vermont.

We could go up as a team, do a little ski maybe, little away trip for a weekend, and also check out a distillery, do a little promo for the advertisers. Just an idea thrown out there. Could be fun. Do you think we could get a house in a skipping stone, Vermont? Skipping, hopefully, hopefully a nice little, pretty, pretty, pretty hot bed, pretty hot bed in the winter nowadays. It's an up and coming spot. So you gotta, you know,

I don't know if there's going to be any availability, any vacancy, but we get a nice little cottage in skipping stone, Vermont, get a, I don't know, a few thousand piggybacks and have ourselves a little trip. Yeah. Now, I do believe it's available in Vermont, obviously, with the distillery and whatnot. So I think it's available in, like, Vermont, New Hampshire, a couple spots up there. And then it's going to make its way down. So right now, if you are in one of these states that sells Wh pig piggybacks, uh, consider yourself lucky, go get them now, join the piggyback movement,

piggyback with us. Um, if you want to order it, you can go on, um, I think it's piggyback piggyback, rye smash.com. I already told him like, we got to change that. That's too much, but piggyback rye smash.com and you can order them now or just wait until they arrive in your state. But it's going to be, uh, this is going to be it. This is the new, I've been waiting. I've been wondering what the new like drink in a can is going to be. And they, and whiskey was like, whiskey is it right. And I didn't think they could do a whiskey cocktail in a can. They done did it. So get get yourself some uh piggybacks and and piggyback with us um let's do it covid brain john covid brain book what do we got okay um oh this this one isn't a co-brand this is just a story i heard um because i didn't go to a bar because i had

covid but my friends they went to this bar okay my friends who went to the bar uh-huh i didn't go to the bar with covid what am i a fucking asshole um the uh they came back and they were telling me it was like 11 a.m and there was a guy telling a story at the bar about how last night he got fucked up with booze and Susan. And on the way home, on the way home, they got so fucking drunk. It was 11 a.m. They were already back drinking, taking shots. But the night before,

they got so fucked up. On his drive home, he sideswiped a tree and his buddy goes, where'd that happen? And he told him. And without blinking, his friend just went, ah, you made it halfway. Like, it was like genuinely like, dude, you made it halfway.

What are you going to do? I love that they have the markers. You know, they know, like, all right, that tree is almost home. You're halfway from the bar. Every man can make it, you know, a quarter of the way. You made it a half of the way. You're a real winner. Booze and Susan.

Booze and Susan has a legitimate nickname. Like, if you're not writing a script and trying to come up with something, like, that's almost like Hollywood says no to that. Like, we can't have a character called Booze and Susan. Come on, that's laying it on too thick. And the fact that, you know, she, Booze and susan come on that's laying it on too thick and that the fact that you know she booze and susan it thinks she's hot and she's not and she gets on the dance floor and like grinds and tries to be sexy even though she's gross but she gets fucked every single night

because somebody takes booze and susan home booze and susan crushes booze and susan's numbers through the roof she gets more dick than anybody at the end of the day she's like the most dick down chick in the world she's totally satisfied because she she's she's probably gone like a thousand for a thousand over the last few years never goes home solo shout out to booze and susan um right, this one. So I don't have a lot. Actually, I don't have a lot as much as I thought I did. But I don't have a lot.

But I do have three. This one, I genuinely don't know where this came from. But this is one of the most accurate things I've ever written down. Ever in my life written down. Oh, boy. This is, if you know what I'm talking about, you're going to know that this is the fucking, this is true and just a great observation. Okay. If a girl has knuckles that are wider than her fingers.

Okay. You know what I'm, you know what I mean? Can you picture the kind of hand I'm talking about? Like the female hand I'm talking about? Yeah. it's a knuckle that's wider than a finger you're gonna fight about dumb shit that is 100 certainty you are gonna get in fights about like she is gonna drive you fucking nuts now how did this come about i have i don't even remember writing it kevin this is like you were in like a covid fever and like your hand just started going and that's what came out dude and but then i like fucking then i i started googling i'm gonna put it put this in the chat can i why why knuckle bitches steer clear of a man but it's not like it's it's more like they just kind of look like witchy fingers

like they they're just long and kind of like boom boom boom boom yeah yeah yeah it's not like these fat gross knuckles but i'm just sending them like, you've talked to this person, like they're look, can you see him? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Those, that person will fight with you until you want to rip your hair. I know right now, Kelly Keegs is one. I just say, because really what this is is this is slender girls who have skinny fingers, but their bones are still like their bones. So you're talking about probably tall, skinny, like attractive girls who have a little bit of like the hot crazy in them who who probably are also obsessive over the fact that their knuckles are a little too big for their for their fingers.

And and so they get long nails. So that's what you do you get like fake nails to make your fingers look even longer to make the knuckles look a little smaller so you start obsessing about this shit and next thing you know you're in a fight all because she's had big knuckles since she was 13 every single girl is in this podcast jackie let's see your hands i bet jackie doesn't have this because i bet jackie doesn't have crazy fights i bet jackie's just like jackie well i'm looking and i think i think that they're kind of i don't well now i'm like self-conscious yeah yeah yeah i'd see him girl like they're big oh no jackie yeah you fight no but that's the thing is i'm so unconfrontational doesn't everybody though like my like i kind of have like a knuckle

yeah john so many girls in insecurity they didn't know they had yeah i'm not showing my hands that's out of no john has fabricated an entirely new thing for girls to hate about themselves i didn't fabricate i fabricate shit i just john i i think you're just talking about skinny people and fat people i think if you have you're a skinny person your knuckles are bigger than your it's like a gnarled finger kind of it's not gnarled it's not like twisted but you can tell it's like a little there's there's a distinct which hand is a good way to describe it like the very exaggerated version is a witch who has right the the wig yeah yeah but i think most people like like i have you know that little bump you bro i can your fingers are too fat this that's not a count all right everyone sent me a picture of your fucking fingers i'll tell you if you're

a pain in my ass or not okay wait give me give me your last thing so we can wrap that up because we got to talk about jacklyn we got to talk about our girl jackie uh okay wait it's two more um the the the the the whole kim jong-un thing kills me what what is the kim jong-un thing what does that mean like how he just we just have these stories that leak that we pretend are real all the time about him like like kim jong-un made it illegal to be happy on his birthday or something like that. Like this, that's just not. Have you heard the Trump one? Why do you think that like only these funny stories get out of North Korea?

Out of this one place. Yeah, with this one guy. It's just like, oh, the fat Asian baby did something funny again. Like, no, it's only silly stories come out about him there are no they're not real that's not a real story why do we just pretend that's real did you see the trump one where he was he was at some uh conference or whatever and i don't know if i only saw the clip so i don't know if he if he prefaced this by saying like this was a joke i thought of or a dream I had, because there's just no. And he played rocket man for him. Cause they call him rocket man. Cause they're like,

they have nuclear capabilities and all that shit. And he's like, I had a, he said something like I had the MP3 ready. Like some, some old term, like I had the record ready, whatever it was. And I played it for him. And he said, Oh, I love it. You know, like doing the Trump thing. And the audience is like clapping and loving it and maybe it was prefaced as a joke but i was like this is people like is this even ruth konda awards because this is just a completely fabricated story that we all know like it was not a meeting between donald trump and kim jong-un where he played elton john for him we would know

about that but everybody everybody seems to run with it with North Korea. Because, like, it's funny. Because it's a silly-looking baby. Right. Like, it's just like, ah, it's funny. It's funny because it's him. If he looked like a militant, you wouldn't do any of these. Because it wouldn't be as silly. Right. It's funny.

It's like we always say, it's how you look, right? If you're hot, you can kind of get away with assault. If you're funny, you can get – if you're a funny-looking fat fatso you can get away with like war crimes apparently that's how it works um and the last one was inspired by the new louis ck um do parents like have like like you know like parents when like kids go off to college it's like congratulations we did it like when kids kind of get past the age where they can get like kidnapped and shit are you like hell yeah we made it you know where it's like it's like look anything that happens to him now is on well i yeah i guess so because girls girls can kind of get kidnapped at any age you know yeah yeah yeah yeah girls like for boys listen if you're a boy

if you're a guy and you're like 23 or something and you get kidnapped that's on you that's that's your fucking police don't even do anything about that though he had what yeah no yeah that's that they don't even call that kidnap that's just like i don't know like you're that means your your buddy your guy just left like he just left there's no way that he that he got kidnapped girls can kind of happen at any age so i think you don't stop ever worrying about it but there should be a moment where you like like the 72 dolphins you clink your glass like yeah exactly no no kidnapping on our watch. Now that happens. You got to have a life.

Life's all about milestones. Right. Enjoy the moment. Soak up the moment now. Haven't been kidnapped. Man, if my kids got kidnapped, I'd absolutely kill myself. Blow my head right off, dude. Right off.

A lot of dads would be like, I'd go find them kevin's like i just fucking kill bro i mean you know sure am i if i'm liam neeson if i got a particular set of skills i'll go find you my kids get kidnapped i can put up the ransom money and that's it that's it dude otherwise you know those kids i didn't i didn't mean personally like no if you're a dad going personally looking you're doing more harm than good right right that is that is the most frustrating part of movies when it's just like hey dude just shut the fuck up right let the fake police do the work there's a story about a uh there's a mother in mexico there's like one town that the cartel just ravaged and they kidnap and murder

like everybody in sight. And this woman lost her, her daughter. And she like went Liam Neeson. She went Brian Mills on them and like found like took them down. I think, I think her daughter died. Like she didn't get her daughter back, but she stopped like several others. It's wild. And she's like a kind of a heavier old mexican woman it's not like she's some fucking ufc fighter and she like took down the cartel through like years and years of like meeting with people and collecting intelligence it's a fucking awesome story it should be a movie to be honest by the way i gotta

send that i gotta tweet one day about someone. Someone sent me the good luck gif recently, and it infuriates me. What's the good luck gif? The Liam Neeson good luck. Oh, good luck, yeah. The most incorrectly used gif in the history of gifs. How do they use it? It's Liam Neeson. People are like, oh, you're going to win this game?

Good luck. Good luck, yeah. That man who says good luck gets the fucking fuck murdered out of him. All of his friends get fucking killed. He gets electrocuted to death. So if you think that good luck, that gift means you're

announcing your own death. You're fucking toast. Very infuriating. Let's do it. Let's bring her in let's talk about jackie jackie you will be a part of award season for sure but i i really believe after being in this industry long enough you have to work hard you have to be consistent uh all that's true you have to be talented enough you have to be like you have to have your you know you have to be on the you have to be in the know of what's what's funny and what's entertaining

what people all that shit's true. But also the key to really having a good podcast is just finding the weirdos, the weird brains. And that's why this podcast works. I sit here and I just pull the weird stories out of John. I just navigate through his brain and we stumble upon all the funny stories and it makes for a good podcast and i remember thinking i was like i don't know if there'll ever be another john i don't know how many of these people there are out there well we found another one i never know if that's a compliment if i should be flattered or nope i don't quite think it's one of those i think it's i think you're unique you're one of a kind you're you're saying

irreplaceable understanding tone you're irreplaceable you are funny and and and like we'll bring to this show stories that are completely original. Like no one else is going to replicate this shit because no one else is doing it. Can't be replicated. But first of all, I'm time at the same time you exercise the beans in your socks. So, you know, it cuts both ways. This is one that it's like, I don't like, I don't see how it's that like, I don't understand what people aren't getting about it and i was expecting the feedback to be like oh my god jackie you're so

smart that's why that that is why you're special because because you tweeted that you use beans as ankle weights can't can't let's let's run i did love that follow-up the clarification so that's that's the beauty of jackie step one is thinking that your beans for ankle weights tweet is a home run that is like part of of this and very few people can will even have that tweet but it's the secondary that like nobody has that it's like another gate that you get past clarifying it's not loose beans i'm not i'm not crazy like you john called you a mad genius you're a mad woman that you have this thought that people are going to be like oh i'm going to pour some loose beans into my tube socks and go work out because i saw jackie saying that i don't know people people i mean you know as the influencer that i am people might just follow

me blindly and i need to prep tell them and that's that's also a part of it is your your nobody's head gets bigger faster than jacqueline nichols it's amazing so you think that because you do bean exercises you're now fucking gen seltzer out here i think that is and this is Nichols it's amazing so you think that because you do bean exercises you're now fucking Jen Seltzer out here I think that and this is the thing it's like you see life hacks like all the time and this is just another like this is like I just don't think that people are understanding the genius like they're just they're just being like oh she's she's and also I don't want to be pinned as Bean Girl. Like, I don't – everybody is, like, tagging me in Bean stuff.

I want to be done. You don't want to be Bean Girl. I don't want to be that. Let's make that very loud and clear. Jackie is not. Nobody. She does not wish to be at any point Bean Girl. At no point.

At no point at no point nobody send jackie any bean related content ever she did if you start calling her bean girl hashtag bean girl i'm gonna go do it oh i'm gonna be so mad if everyone starts calling jackie bean girl when specifically said, no, don't call Jackie Bean Girl. If you call it in the show, listen, if you call in the show and say, hey, what's up, KSC fights, Nick. No. Bean Girl. Don't do that.

No. Do not do that. You know what? I'm cutting that all out. No, no. Nick's putting it back in, Bean Girl. Okay, if you call me Bean Girl or anything like that, you're getting blocked. Oh, we're going to go Rico on you, huh?

We're going to go Rico on them. Then people won't have access to your genius, so they're lost. But that's the thing. People could use this as a learning opportunity and be like, okay, now I have a new workout routine, and I don't have to go buy my ankle weights. It's like a genius thing that nobody no there's layers to this shit there's layers to it instead people are being like oh that's so dumb oh my god why would you put beans in your socks and they're not even

understanding like i'm giving you guys tips like it's a life hack so to be clear people are like oh why would you put beans but that's the thing is like you want your life hack is save the i think you said uh twelve dollars is the ankle weights yeah save the twelve dollars and put beans in your socks and that is the life hack what can we have a demo can i see guys yeah so so we need a demonstration also what i need you to do is i mentioned jen seltzer before have you seen the video she makes where she like as she puts on her workout gear it does like tiktok transitions i need that where like you're putting on your sock and all of a sudden there's a can of beans in your tube socks we need to like make bean girl uh bean girl it's gonna be bean girl enterprises bge we're gonna do bean girl workouts and it's gonna be like seriously here like here's how to do all your your workouts

but with cans of beans okay but that's that's gonna really pin me as bean girl like well that's the point yeah you're being girl yeah but but also also if you're so uh proud of this life hack like shouldn't you be like yeah that's what's up yeah you're right i have to stick by this now also when i think of ankle weights i think of people like laying down, doing like core work where you like lift your legs. Are you talking about like running with them? Are you doing like, like, no, but if you want to run with them, you can just put rubber bands on, but I mean, don't go outside the house with it. But if you want to do like, like jumping around, um, do you, do you realize what I'm talking about is like with 100 sincerity and seriousness you answered that like you can

put rubber bands around your ankles too and you meant that so for real that's what i'm saying like i've thought this through and you guys are saying no it's amazing so you would put rubber bands around like the top or around the actual can of beans, it depends on how much activity you're doing, because if it's a lot, if you're really doing some jumping jacks, you put one on, on top to cinch the sauce. Let me, let me, let me throw some activities at you. You tell me where you place the, uh, the, the rubber bands. Okay. Uh, jumping on a trampoline with your beans. Oh, that's you need maximum, you need maximum security. So you're doing some maximum you need maximum security so you're doing one cinch on top and you're doing a double wrap on the side on the sides either duct tape or

or we're doing duct tape now rubber band okay duct tape around your socks but then and then and then attached to like your leg as well yes i. I've never tried the duct tape. Okay. We'll put that one, you know. What about... Is a can of beans, is it just, it's floating in your saw? It's just like, it's like, so it's touching your skin. We need, we need a duct tape. Do you have cans of beans? Can you go get them? Yeah, let's just, let's just do this for real

because it's going to be something until, you know, I've seen a sneak preview of it, John. I saw a picture that she sent me. It's, you know, it really just looks like a can of beans down your tube sock. I mean, it's exactly what you're picturing. But, you know, when you start to do some of these workouts, you're doing jumping jacks. You're doing like crisscross. You're doing high knees.

You're doing all these things. The beans are are subject to change the beans are going to move also it is just patently ridiculous and i'll need you to do this at some point too the thought that someone would crank open a can of beans and then pour the loose beans into the sock is like the fact that you had to clarify that is that's that's just in case there are some you know people who aren't smart as part of me and who might just do that i want someone to so badly to put their bare feet into a sock full of honestly you think that would feel good no that's that's what that face said what do you that face was kind of like i i feel like you'd like that no i'm not saying i would like i feel like that's a foot fetish thing like

like i bet you right now if jackie said i'll put my feet in a sock full of there are people out there that would pay like five thousand dollars should i do that should i just quit i think you should be z bean girl not such a bad thing when you start to think it through true true all right let's get this do you have the cans you have i love that she just has like stray cans of beans too beans this is bees i know but for this case beans do you uh in the beads bees really one now should i just do like so let me just say this beans are like two or three ounces right like this says um eight ounces 0.5 ounces 15 0.5 ounces wow i was gonna say like eight ounces would be like i thought like a can of beans would be the answer so we're talking a pound that's

about a pound you need it 16 ounces would be a pound if you if you want to do if you're doing like a heavy leg day you throw in a white claw in there too both of them and that's the thing is it looks stupid wait hang on hang on that bedside white claw is that a drinking white claws and workout like no it's a workout white claw that's a tube sock white claw there's drinking claws and there's tube sock claws and that my friends with the tube sock claw actually if i had a whistle anybody who's still drinking claws you're a fucking sucker take all your white claws put them in your socks drink your piggybacks and that's the thing is it's gonna look stupid yeah but we're not here to look good when we work out we're here for gains and gains only it's gain season you don't want to look good

while you're working out you want to look good after you work out yeah that's why you put the beans in your socks exactly okay so then it's very simple the sock and then you i mean like and it looks stupid and then you just shove it in can you back up just a little bit i mean the full the full foot yeah okay there you go okay my christmas lights yes i do look at that they're just a pile of lights on the floor yeah Yeah. What are you fucking? God damn. If I had the name ready to go, it would have been better. That would have been better.

It would have been a better joke if you nail, if you actually said the joke. The stranger thing. The stranger things, mom. Oh yeah. Yeah. But that's the Winona Ryder from stranger thing. You know, it doesn't. Moving on, you know, scratch that one back to the beans.

So you have, are you going to do two? You got to, you have are you gonna do two you gotta you gotta even out my roommate ate the other set so i can't i can only do one i couldn't i can't do my workout today my roommate ate my other set of workout beans i know she didn't like know about my little workout so wait are you guys like there's milk girls in philly are you guys like, there's milk girls in Philly. Are you girls like the bean girls? No, stop. I think you're the bean girls. No, we're not the bean girls. How many, how often do you guys eat beans? We're not, we're not.

Just like, she was trying to make hummus. I feel like at any given moment, if you're like a group of young girls in the city and you have any beans in your apartment, you're bean girls. I had a buddy, i had a buddy recently he's like doing like one of those like biohacking things and he was like yeah like they told me i gotta i gotta cut down to only eating beans three times a week i was like bro how many times do you eat beans but you gotta cut down to three like i like beans i'm not like that but i'm not eating like if someone said you can

only be being three times a week i'd go great most times a week i got three open slots for most weeks i have three open slots like i don't need a ton of pumpkin beans now if you're like i guess if you yeah you're making hummus or a chili there are things but if you're just like raw dog and some beans i need like a poster bean girls and you could be regina george and the other friends can yeah we'll make a poster for bean girls no yeah no that's that's your brand babe sorry i mean jackie and the bean socks jackie and the bean socks that was funny we're actually okay okay now work with me you don't want to be the bean girl what if i told you we can make some tube socks with like some bean cat like cartoons

on it or something and sell you some merch but you have to be jackie and the bean sock um wait i don't know did you hear my idea? What'd you say? Socks with pockets, pocket socks. Pocket socks for your cans of beans that maybe have like a cartoon of a girl and some like little like kidney shaped beans, like speckled all over Jackie and the bean socks. And people can be like, what are you wearing? And they'll be like, they're my bean socks. Wait, we actually, we actually should do that and like also target the tailgaters. Sure. You can sneak stuff in. You can put your weed in there.

You can put your bottles in there. You can put everything in your beer socks. This is John. This is real life kittens mittens. Like it's, but it's not a bit. It's just like, this is actually unfolding that she wants to sell bean socks. This is why it's one in once in a lifetime. Now put your bean socks in and do like an example of a workout okay so this is you see like i don't know this is gonna be like kind of uncomfortable to do but like you usually work out the main the main one is like these little leg like a little like yeah suzanne summers thigh type thing you need minimal so i don't even need any rubber bands for that because it's like minimal um uh activity right cardio i feel like i feel like a fitness

influencer right now you pretty much are that's why i mean gen seltzer watch out now would you maybe put some beans in your socks and like do your stairs like run up and down the stairs of your apartment um i haven't done that because you guys have seen my staircase and it's very dangerous but that's a good idea no but you're getting it you're getting it do you have a walk up to get to your apartment not you're in not you're in house i'll show you my flex i'm talking about yeah i do have like a um stairs in there but i don't want to like i try to do the beans uh minimally. So I don't want to run into. Yeah. If you were doing like, mark my words, you will fall down that spiral staircase sooner than rather than later.

It will be. I already have. But if you, you know, I feel like being girl has some potential if you do it publicly. Yes. Maybe like you finish up your, your, your workout and you like pull your beans out of your sock. You like throw it to a homeless guy. Like, Hey, how you doing? You throw it. And it's like,

Oh, there's Jackie, the bean girl. That would be really sweet. Right. And then you're like, then it's like very philanthropic. And we also sell the socks. It's also good for, uh, health. You know, you're promoting good health by working out. Uh, can we, can we have like any sexier name than bean girl like can we do like canned goods can't oh is canned goods sexier yeah anything sexier anything sexier than bean girl how about like i could make you a solemn promise i will until my dying day. Make people promise to not clap. We will do our

absolute best. Right down the barrel of the camera. Don't you fucking dare call Jackie Bean, girl. Don't you do it. Canned goods, you know, she got that canned goods, man. I mean, it's man i mean it's gonna be tough you're

gonna try to make this sexy but the results are what's sexy right yes when you got toned legs and a nice ass for the summer it's because of the beans that's why it's sexy it's about gains gains beans and gains beans and gains gains and beans beans and gains yes it's a year three bean gang oh now we can cross promote three bean gangs and bean gains bean gains because you you'll do like one sock two socks and then maybe like you run with a bean in your hands or something like that and it's three beans gains meets the three bean gang holy yes i mean so you're bean girl then you're down yeah no okay it's official bean girl we'll see we'll work on it all right well i think um it's time for jacked up what do you say girl oh yeah. Were you not ready for your one and only second? No, no, no, I'm ready, I'm ready.

I stay ready. I'm always ready. Today, Jacked Up is brought to you by NHTSA. They are back once again to tell you during the holiday season, drive sober or get pulled over. Or worse, drive sober or get... What's something that rhymes with over about... Drive sober or your life's over and you're

going to get fucking put in the dirt because you're going to be dead from drunk driving accidents we don't want that the holidays people you know maybe it's cold outside let's have another drink and then it's time to drive home and now you're not sober and you might crash you might die you might kill someone else you might get to jail. You might have to pay a billion dollars in legal fees. So many reasons to just not drink and drive. You can get an Uber. You can get a Lyft. You can stay over.

It's the Christmas season where everyone's giving, and they'll just let you stay at their house. Million reasons to not go home and make sure that you and anyone in the car stays safe, whether it's your life, your future, your freedom, or your money, all of these things you put in jeopardy. Anytime you decide to drink and then get behind the wheel, there's going to be a lot of Christmas parties. There's going to be a lot of drinking eggnogs flowing. Families are getting together a lot of chances for you to say

like, well, you know, I've only had a couple and that's where the worst shit starts. Your insurance goes up after the accident. Uh, you know, you're known as that asshole. It's the Scarlet letter at the very least. So, and you know, the police are out for it. You know, cops are just sitting around waiting to watch a guy roll a red stop sign or swerve in the highway. So don't be a sucker. Don't be an asshole. Make sure you drive sober. To learn more, go to NHTSA, NHTSA.gov slash drive sober. Week 16, 15.

Every single time you get that wrong. 15, jacked up. Three minutes on the clock. Jacked up. Okay. Jacked up. So the three main games lion cardinals we're gonna go over packers ravens we're gonna go over saints bucks we're gonna go over yeah we you always have with the jets that's just not i mean they lost i don't know what else to there is there more um uh i mean they were winning for a while and then it was like a colossal failure to,

to keep that lead. Classic jets, like needed a first down, needed to get to the sticks, run an eight yard play. It's just like what the jets do. And yeah. So fuck. Yeah, you're right. Nevermind. Okay. Next up. Okay. That's pretty much. Yeah. What I said. And then the, the, what was I going to start with? Oh, the lions they won, but it was bad for the Cardinals. Very embarrassing for them because it was a huge upset. They should have won.

They've won almost all of their away games or something like that. Packers Ravens, no Lam Lamar Jackson Tyler Huntley in um but they oh oh oh okay so it's 30 no the Ravens score in like the last few minutes and then they tie or they almost tied up so it's 30 31 so then the whole thing in the huge debate is at the end then they went for the two-point conversion when they could have they either could go for the two-point conversion or they could go for the field the one-point field goal the one-point field goal will tie it up but they know they listen jacked up and they're like jackie says don't give aaron rogers time on the clock they know that if if they do that and they go into overtime that's dangerous because aaron rogers will do what aaron rogers does and he's going to score and they're

going to lose so instead they went for the two-point conversion which was a smart play but some say it wasn't a smart play but jackie says it's a smart play jackie says i like this new speaking of the third person this is good yeah and then um but then they did it and then they didn't get the two-point point conversion which that's where they went wrong is they should have just scored that and then won well it's always hindsight's 2020 it's like yeah you should have just kicked the field the extra point and gone into overtime and taking your chances but you know people are always gonna going for two you're always gonna get credit for having balls and sticking by your guys and going for the win. So it didn't work out.

Yeah. Despite like knocking yourself out of the playoffs. Yeah. Like, I don't know. It's people, people love to give you credit for that, but like, I don't know, man, you've done it twice now. I was going to say the, the first one I remember thinking like, you know, probably as the better team, you probably should have taken a chance in overtime but yeah it almost feels like as a coach you should just always go for it because even if it's dumb you'll have the people who just go like yeah but he fucking went for it right like like i

mean it's particularly when you have justin tucker like yeah i know right right the most automatically use the leg if it's there yeah uh but but you know they listen to jackie jackie says you can't get them time on the clock uh saints bucks shut out of the bucks first time that tom brady has been shut out in 15 years crazy crazy crazy um and apparently people are tagging me apparently they did my idea which this keeps happening is ever since i said my idea about you just like surround the quarterback they keep doing they've been doing that things where it's like again nobody takes me seriously nobody thinks that my ideas are good and then all of a sudden it comes down to it and like oh like her idea is actually you know like this what's gonna happen with bean

socks is everyone's gonna be like that's stupid and then they're gonna be like i need to save some money and i have beans and socks and that's actually so i just do you have um any uh did you watch any of the patriots game by any chance oh so that was on saturday right right um yeah jackie only does sundays right i only i only do sundays um but why was that on saturday towards the end of the season they start putting some games on saturdays but also now because of covid don't we have like we have like six games in the next like eight days or something crazy right two games two games today two games tomorrow crazy so there's a lot of football to cover and i think that maybe we need like some more jacked up this

week so you might have to watch you're gonna do a live jacked up of boise state central michigan in arizona so yeah oh i'm not gonna i'm not i don't do previous i just watch the game i don't do fine you know what you'll do then, Jackie? We'll have you do a jacked up of Boise State's last game and a jacked up of Central Michigan's last game. Okay. As long as I can read some recaps, we're good. I can't, like, have my own, like, original –

You'll be able to read some previews. We'll figure it out. Don't worry. Okay. Yes. I'll get some help on that. Okay. But I'm seeing – to answer your question i'm seeing that um the patriots lost at the colts 27

17 right and that's just like you asked what the score was i'll just answer your question the patriots lost now john john spent uh like the the final like quarter standing up hoping for some good luck did not work out for him that's a lot of standing for no reason um also um that was i i was right though i i tweeted at halftime i don't feel out of this game at all and people were like what are you the dumbest person alive it's 20 nothing you're getting your ass and blah blah i i like we didn't end up winning but we weren't out of that game that oh how far the mighty have fallen we're now just getting we're doing moral losses john i don't think i said that well you know you were you were uh celebrating a game that you were you made a

comeback in i was celebrating a tweet oh that was celebrating saying i was right because i was right i was right that we weren't out of that game. The game was not out of reach. The game was pretty fucking close because the Patriots are clearly the better team and they win by three scores next time they play the Colts. If the Patriots had a good quarterback, they would probably go... I don't understand the Mac Jones phenomenon. The people are like...

It's the internet, I guess, but everyone's just arguing with no. like, no, like people are like, Oh no. People like the next Tom Brady. I didn't say that. No, but a lot of people were very high on him. People, people think he's a good quarterback. I mean, a lot of Patriots fans were like, you know, dynasty back on because of Mac Jones. Yeah. People have fun on social media. Well, yeah.

And then the other side has fun back saying he fucking sucks. I think the – yeah, I mean, the Patriots – I'm not worried. The Patriots are just fine. But the – like, it was Boston media people being like, look, told you guys. What are we talking about? What are we talking about right now? I think the Pats are going to be –

I mean, I'll tell you what they're talking about. The people who were watching being like, you know, they're not winning. They're winning despite him. And then you see they're just definitively not winning despite him. Well, they're not winning because of him. They're winning because of him. Mac Jones is the key to the Patriots success right now.

Not the key to it. This is the Mac Jones is a very, very good quarterback. See, that's what I think people have a problem with. I don't. Very, very good is high praise. Okay. So people have a problem with i i don't very very good is is high praise okay so and i think a lot of people are like he's not very very good guys that's all right but that's the argument so next time you're like you're confused what's going on it's patriots fans saying that he's very very good when in fact he's not very very good yet maybe he'll be but he's not um now you also had the epiphany this weekend

that you just like to root for the team with the ball and you just like to see people score which is basically what most people realize and that's why they have do you know what the red zone channel is no i know what the red i watch the? No, I know what the Red Zone – I watch the Red Zone channel on TV. Go get it. And also why people bet the over. Yeah. Because they just want to see people score. So next – now we need jacked up gambling next where you watch the Red Zone and you just root for overs and you're just betting money on touchdowns,

basically, and that is why people like football. You uncovered why what's enjoyable about football. Yeah. I just, I think, I mean, even red zone has like too much other football, like maybe all make end zone, which is just every touch, which is just when a touchdown happens, because that's the most fun part.

Pick a few games, put, put money down on all of them come up with the the bean girl parlay and then and then you'll like very intently watch all those games and jacked up will will thrive jacked up will shine okay what do i do if i don't have money to gamble this is a problem money is necessary to gamble yeah one might recommend selling some jackie and the beans sock merch pocket socks pocket socks for the win pocket socks for the for the for the gambling habit okay i will do that okay um all right we got to do um jacked up um we could have just had the bean that could have been jacked up oh no no you're fine don't worry we'll have another one jack and the beanstalk yeah jackie jacked up explains jack and the beanstalk stalk uh three minutes on the clock go okay um jack and the beanstalk is a nursery rhyme he wants to get up to the sky

for some reason he plants a little bean it's a magical bean and then there's a a vine someone might call it a stalk. It's a stalk, hence Jack and the Beanstalk. Who's up in the sky? Is it about God? Yes. Yes. Jack and the Giant. Wait, Jill.

No. Sorry. That's different. Well, there is Jack and Jill. There is Jack and Jill. That's different. You're thinking of the Giant Peach. I'm thinking of the Giant Peach. James and the Giant Peach. There's Jack and jill that's different you're thinking of they went up the giant peach i'm thinking so there's jack james and the giant peach there's jack and jill and the jack and the john and the beanstalk so jack and jill went up the hill to get water get water to um uh water the the the the peach to make the peaches grow right are you kidding the peach to make the peaches grow. Right. Are you kidding? The peach tree. They went to get the water to come home to garden and, and water the tree to make the peaches grow extra large.

So that Jack could take the. The peach and bring it up to the, to God. To God. Yeah. Right. Because then the peaches would be big enough for him to eat, right? That would actually be like a James crossover. James, Jack and Jill.

Yeah. Whatever crossover. But I don't know why he's climbing up the beanstalk. Wouldn't he want to get away from the giant? He wants that big goose egg. He wants that big golden goose egg. Oh, what's in the goose egg? I think it's just like there's a special egg up there the giant

is like you know kind of guarding i think why what's in the egg i think it's just a big fucking fat magical goose egg i think it's just like i think he wants to put it in his socks and exercise with it oh i think he wants to like run with the giant egg over his head so it's a life hack because you could just do beans and save all the trouble in the vine growing and the vine climbing and just use beans i don't understand the point of that i'm gonna we're gonna have to brush up on your your fucking fairy tales jackie yeah i want you to be prepared for any fairy tales possible next week. Okay. Okay. All right. Jacked up and be on the lookout for more jacked up.

If you're live in Arizona with us, you'll see Jackie live on stage. And also, you know, if you need a life hack and you've got to save some money, cans of beans in your socks. If you need a life hack and you need to get some Christmas presents, KFC radio tickets are on sale for both in Nashville. Go to Linktree slash KFC radio live and you can get tickets to the second show in the Wilbur in Boston, or you can get tickets to our Nashville show at Zany's on Thursday, April 21st. All the all the comics are going to be down there for the comedy festival will be be there as well um so come out hang out with us on a thursday night it's link link trees tough l-i-n-k-t-r dot e-e so there's no dot com it's dot e-e it'll be in the description for if you're listening if you're watching it'll be in the description like okay at the top and

all of our social media you'll see links So you can buy all of our tickets there. Let's now get into top five Tuesday. We're going to do top five Tuesday. And I'm on the asshole today. Top five Tuesday is brought to you by Simply Safe. Top five invention in the world right now is making sure you are safe and have a home security network that consists of cameras and sensors and alarms

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family's protected. Stephen Shea, first thing he did when he bought a house, he protected it with simply safe. First thing I do when I get a house, I'm protected. It was simply safe. You got too many, too much to lose. Your loved ones, your belongings, your electronics. Why work why work hard and, and build a life only to have it, you know, knocked away by burglars or earthquakes or fires or anything else that can harm you. That's simply safe.com slash KFC radio. Um, top five today, we're doing Christmas music. We did movies last week. We'll do music today. Top five Christmas songs, Christmas music.

What do you got, Johnny? Number one. Get number one. All right. Number one is going to be No Brainer, Fairytale of New York. A very good song. You know what's funny? Because I feel like um and i i think

my my my list is going to be loaded with uh songs like there's christmas music and then there's like real songs that's about christmas or around christmas you know what i mean fairy tale in new york is is it's a christmas song but it's it's a christmas carol it's not a jingle it's a song yeah it's it's the only christmas song to my knowledge that says the f word in it and i don't mean fuck yeah that's that's aggressive for a christmas song yeah no that's a girl who says i feel like girls can say it i i have the ability to tell who can who and who can't say that word um and i think ladies can they can yeah i think so depends on how you say it i think they can say it with as much with as much venom in their mouth

you think the girls can drop it with some stank on it and it's okay yeah wow because because you can still beat them up i think this is more offensive than what you're saying than than saying the word what no i can just i can just beat up a woman i just beat her up she says it what are you gonna do i thought you're saying girls can beat them up like like my number one pick i could probably draft this at number five for the like and get my value but i want my list to be my top fives christmas in new york by shillelagh i was appalled when i found

out that none of you guys know who shillelagh law is we are having a kfc radio outing to see them live i don't know let me see if i can find um shillelagh is the hardest word i will give you john without looking it up i will give you five hundred dollars if you can spell shillelay correctly s-h-i-l-a-l-i-e no thank god you didn't get it nick can you spell shillelay nobody look it up i already looked it up i thought you were just quizzing john jackie can you spell it jackie's asleep no no no no, no, no, no, no. I was going through voicemail, so I didn't hear that. What was it?

Can you spell the word shillelagh? I'm not even going to try. Okay. Anybody on the team, Paz or Zach, think you can spell it? C-H-I-L-E. Get out of town. No. Absolutely not. c-h-i-l-e get out of town no definitely not it's s-h-i-l-e-l-a-g-h

i got a funny name shillelagh that's not how he spells his name i think i was pretty close to how he spells his name that's a cool name that is cool it's just it's like a cane it's like an irish it's almost like if you took a cane and you made it an abusive Irish person, an Irishman. That's what this is. It's got nubs and spikes and like a knob on top of it. Shillelagh Law is this like Irish folksy band. They got a guy who plays the fiddle and they have Christmas in New York City bar at Christmas time. It is a life experience unlike any other. You will cry if you know the song. It's all about firemen and policemen and 9-11 people dying, but it's all about Christmas in New York being special. Awesome song that you can listen to all year round, but in the Christmas season, absolutely, without a doubt in my my mind if you listen to it and it's not your number one christmas song you're an asshole too number two pick john uh shillelagh law is also what happens if you rape a member of lee meason's family that

it was um it is actually um a code of conduct that revealed the irish system of morality and ethics steeped in love for fighting but not necessarily a love of violence for the sake of violence hmm shillelaghs are sometimes referred to in the yeah so shillelagh law just means like when an irish when an irish brawl broke out to to solve the problem that's shillelagh law just means like when an irish when an irish brawl broke out to to solve the problem ah that's shillelagh law i like that and shillelagh itself has been explained as the accepted rule governing the usage of the weapon like all right yeah you're allowed to beat each other with the stick uh all right number two pick or no you just yeah number two for you um simply having one of christmas time that's paul mccartney yeah i love that song he is uh a human a human scarecrow

he scares me and uh huh why because he looks like a scarecrow paul mccartney yeah he looks like a scarecrow. Paul McCartney? Yeah, he looks like a scarecrow from Wizard of Oz. Got that stupid, like, mop top haircut and weird nose. He scares me, man. But, yeah, it's a good one. It's just, I don't even really like the Beatles. By the way, one thing that's happened with COVID, got big into Led Zeppelin. Oh, definitely don't want to hear about that.

Definitely do not want to hear John talking about Led fucking Zeppelin, dude. Maybe you and I don't have a lot to say, other than they make good music. Get some tats like Rocket. Get a sleeve of all the Led Zeppelin albums like a fucking loser. No, that's Pink Floyd.

See, to me, honestly, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, same exact shit i'll talk to you about it i'll talk to you about john what'd you say i said i'll talk to you about zeppelin it's the only band that like their band member died and they actually were like all right we're done and they never came back like they actually expected john bottom choking on his own vomit to death. Well, sublime kind of did that. Right. They never, they never did. No, they're back. They're sublime. They are Rome now. It's like, yeah,

for a while they were away, but then they're just like, Oh, but we'll like call it out and say like, it's with this other guy, but they're still playing. If one of us dies, will you continue KFC radio? Me? Put your money where your mouth is, man. You're not, would you just be like, all right, will you continue KFC Radio? Me? Put your money where your mouth is, man. Would you just be like, all right, we're done with this then? Wouldn't it be called KFC Radio, I don't think.

Well, it depends on who dies now, doesn't it? I could technically still do KFC Radio. Can John do? If I die, can you change the podcast? Would you change the name? You died? Yeah. It's a bad enough podcast name.

It's a bad enough podcast name as it is. Now you got to be like, well, there used to be this guy. His initials were that. He's dead now. I wouldn't keep doing the podcast, but if I did, I would definitely. Actually, that would make it a better name.

Yeah. It would make more sense if you were like, yeah, my dead friend. And then they'd be like, is that the name on your wrist? No, it's another dead friend. It'd be a whole thing. It'd be a whole fucking thing. My number two song, very little known song. I do this every year.

So if you listen to the podcast, mail time back in the day, you might know it, but most people don't blues traveler christmas it's a five minute banger of a song that is just like a good like if you like blues traveler songs if you like hook and run around you'll like christmas and it is perfectly full of yuletide cheer but again just a good song you can listen to year-round just happens to be good during Christmas. Number three for you, Zane. I mean, I can't believe I'm going to get it at three. But I'll take Mariah Carey. Yeah, yeah.

That's what, see, you know, like I said. It's one of those songs. I think three is a great spot to get it. It's one of those songs that people would be like, are you crazy for not taking it one? But it is actually a really good song. It's not like a, it's not like a, you know, I'm trying to think of something Christmas, like I didn't,

I don't really like it's a wonderful life. So like, I don't want that on my file, but like, yeah, I'm not going to put on my five just to make other people happy, but they're like three. That's a value spot for where I care. Sure. Sure. And it's also a victim of its own success.

You know, like it is a good song. Yeah, right. But it becomes played out and it kind of becomes a thing. When can you listen to it? When can you, you know, all that shit. Mariah's kind of a bitch. So it's like, you know, but great at three. Again, I'm just going, you know, I'm just going with,

I really need to do a top 10 because what I need to do is I have like three or four songs that I like that happen to be about Christmas. Then I need a handful of Christmas carols. And then I need a couple of church songs because there's a couple of church bangers that go, but I'm not going to put that in the same category as some of these other ones so i really need a 10 but for my five my number three pick um i'm gonna go um i'm gonna go darling love alone on christmas it's got the e street band playing the music it's in home alone darling love on the music. It's in Home Alone, Darling Love on the Pipes. Oh, this will be perfect for your live stream. This will be the official song of your live stream, Alone on Christmas.

It's from Home Alone when he's driving across the bridge, when he's going, when he's like in New York. You'll, if you don't know it, you'll like it. And it's got a very Springsteen feel to it because it's E Street. So they got the fucking saxophone, clarence is on the saxophone uh and it'll be the official song of your 24 hour depression stream nick what is my i i'm not gonna play any music on that i imagine right yeah you can't yeah yeah no you can't it'll get taken down we'll have we'll have we'll have like a kickoff on twitter or some shit for your 24 hours i might might be able to download you free music so you have something,

but I think it might be funnier if you're just... I mean, I don't care. Yeah, it's not like I sit around all day listening to music. You should just sit there in silence. I rarely leave emanating from my apartment. Your fourth pick. Fourth, man. I can't believe I'm

getting this one, too. Santa Claus is coming to town. I don't like Santa Claus is coming to town bro i don't like santa claus coming to town oh are you talking about the spring scene one yeah yeah i i that song doesn't do it for me really i think springs is springs it's almost like springsteen's doing an impression of springsteen you know what i mean i can see that it's like he's almost doing his his but that almost works for christmas stuff it's like all christmas is like a silly parody anyway yeah it's all it's it's parody law it's all making fun of itself um number four could honestly be the one of the greatest holiday songs of all time maybe just one of the greatest songs of all time by one of the greatest musical composers to ever exist mich Michael Bolton, your love is like a holiday.

Mark my words, John. I don't know if you know it. If NSYNC or Backstreet Boys or Justin Bieber or some mega pop star sung this instead of Michael Bolton, even though he's big time in the 90s, but if a true star sung this, it would be up there with Mariah Carey. It would be that big of a banger pop christmas really oh it is it's catchy it's corny it's stupid it's got a great melody it's bolton baby michael bolton is that fucking dude dude i i love bolton bolton is the one of my favorite songs of all time is lonely island captain jack sparrow yes yeah yo some lonely island songs are just like i mean i just had sex it's like one of my most played songs on spotify oh by the way your love is like a holiday

is not on for some reason it's not on streaming services so you got to go youtube for this one really yeah they have like an instrumental on there but there must be some rights issue so you got to dig deep for it but it's worth the listen your final pick final one i got i mean i got a lot i could go with there's so many have yourself a merry little christmas fire um the uh trans-siberian orchestra that one scares me it is scary it's very scary music for the holidays you know a religious holiday you should be a little a little bit right like that's why i always i always say the week it's the best part about my life was moving out of my house so the week leading up to easter wasn't just fucking passion of the christ soundtrack on repeat from my mom just fucking

haunting music that shit is scary dude very scary but i think and i i just genuinely love this song i think this is a great song so uh i'm gonna go with it it's baby it's cold outside i love baby yep it's the the do i like a duet fucking i really can't stay it's you can argue about what the fucking meaning is and what's happening the fact of the matter is it's a good song and louis ck's new special was fucking wicked funny so i don't care yo uh louis ck is is so good at talking about the awkwards. It's almost like he's leaned into his existence now. So he's just like, I mean, the 9-11 stuff is so funny.

Yeah. When he was like, imagine if someone said 9-11 was just one 9-11. Yeah. When one tower went down, that's just half a 9-11 um uh yeah baby it's cold outside you know they it became this thing every christmas now to talk about how it's rapey and then i think it's because i watched one of those like corny netflix christmas special christmas movies with the one with uh jimmy o yang where they he comes up he comes up with a uh safe version right oh yeah i think the lyrics of that started to float around the internet if anybody actually

sings that like version you are a colossal asshole colossal wide open asshole um my last one is such a Jingle Bell Rock and Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree are two very similar songs that, and picking between them is so hard. Also, White Christmas. That one, but I think I got with uh that that little beginning guitar the you know what i mean that that one is what that's rocking around i think i gotta go rocking around the christmas tree that's because of that little guitar riff in the very beginning but uh silver bells is fire the church ones hark the herald angels sing and oh come all ye faithful oh come yeah you're right those are good those are dynamite sticks dude on any church ones but those are in church you know when the when the when you're singing that shit in church when the

choir is belting that out that's big time man those are those are like tears tears at christmas church for those songs so get us hit us up there's so many to pick so there's so many undrafted but uh hit us up what are your what are your top fives um christmas songs and by the asshole today let's uh get into a couple of them i i sent two to the group over over like the last week one was mega viral and one i said was a a doozy right um so just a little background here my cleaning lady's here it's gonna be awkward okay no wait hang on i'm gonna let's pause i gotta pee um that's gonna be be insane. Yeah, this is going to be bad. It's going to be real bad. Okay. This is an M.I. the asshole. I'm almost going to make myself into an M.I. the asshole for doing this M.I. the asshole in front of company, but, um, oh man, I wish you were reading this one instead, John. I mean, I can.

No, no, we're going to make this as funny as possible. Okay. Roommate walked in on me rimming my boyfriend this morning and I don't know what to say. My roommate and I have been living together for about six months and she's always one of my really good friends. We both have boyfriends and have always kept sex stuff to our rooms and keep to ourselves. I recently started eating my boyfriend's ass after he apparently read a post on Reddit about girls doing it. So he asked, I was never, it was never, ever something I would, uh, even consider doing, or I'm not even, I can't even read right now. I'm so, um, it was never something I would even consider doing, um, or, or ever want anyone to know I've done it.

Seeing as how much he enjoyed it, I've actually found out I enjoy doing it. It's not as bad as long as he cleans up first. Last night, we were watching a movie on the couch. My boyfriend and I, and it was late. My roommate had been sleeping. I didn't see her for a couple hours. After the movie, my boyfriend started to rub me.

One thing led to another. I got off and I was done. So he asked me if I felt like rimming him. I said, sure. After a little bit, I needed a better angle. So I got on the floor and he bent over the couch, going completely naked. No blanket.

We're into it. When I hear a whisper, oh my God, on our couch. No, I guess I hear a whisper. Oh my God, on our couch. And my roommate hear a whisper oh my god on our couch and my roommate's door slammed there was no hiding it it was clear as day what i was doing my boyfriend was jerking himself off and i had both my hands on his ass spreading it all up in there i'm in back i'm embarrassed i was even caught doing it doing such a thing and feel even worse that we were doing it on the couch my roommate slept out tonight and I haven't talked uh to her about it

since any thoughts on this thanks bro I've had this happen to me not not not I wasn't it was I was the girl in this situation where that's okay so all of it's awkward but there's that's a lot less bad yeah it's it's definitely but like bro well on our couch what yeah what is it the queen's couch the every couch you've ever sat on every couch you've ever been around has got cum all over it and I would actually argue that him hands and knees on the couch is relatively clean. Yeah. What's yeah.

What's it's almost worse. If he's just sitting on the couch and you're like blowing him, then it's like his, then he's like on the couch, you know, that's actually salvaging your couch more than anything, unless you're just really like, if you're like, you know, Adriana Chetchik in, it's just like a slop fest then then whatever you know the couch making a meal out of it you know yeah get out the knife and fork you know i i think there's like this i actually when you sent this text i i was i read the headline i was like i am not reading that i wanted to hear it live.

This is just, I was giving my boyfriend a rim job, and my fucking roommate's a cunt. Well, you know who this is bad for is the boyfriend. That guy can't look that roommate in the eye for a long time. Well, I can look him dead in the eye. Dead in the eye. If you're on the couch, Sean dude if you're on the couch sean if you're on the couch like this i'm gonna fall over on my rolling couch if you're on the couch

like this and then you're also like that that is that's a hard one to come back from yeah kevin i gotta tell you this what that person experienced there and this is something a lot of people don't understand uh you're really just fucking working your balls like a speed bag like your balls just keep falling down because because of gravity yeah because you're because you're kind of you're angled a little bit because your your ass is out so it's just falling into your yeah you just it's like like a like the ball in a cup just fucking there's just a balloon it's a balloon still on the string and you're just fucking one of those paddle balls it's the paddle ball with the rubber band on it because you're just going like you just need to go like this you know it's just

your dick is barely getting anything it's just just like come on man and for some reason you don't stop you're like i'll find i'm gonna find an angle it's gonna be an angle where i can turn myself off without punching myself in the nuts he says come on man come on man no dude is that not your that's my like when i'm kind of i watched the alpinist recently and like the talk about that for a second that's just a that's just a documentary about mountain climbing it's not that good it's it's it was fine i think he's a very cool guy i'm with you it's it was good you know it's like if you're into that stuff it's going to be good i thought this was going to transcend mountain climbing i was like this is uh this is about mountain climbing. Yeah, yeah. The character, or the man, Marc-Andre Leclerc,

he very much reminded me of one of my friends. He reminds me of Graham a lot. I could see that, yeah. So I was a little more invested for that reason. But that's the, yeah, it's a very good documentary about mountain climbing. Which is fine but you know but but there i was thinking there are so many situations that they were showing was climbing which is a little and i'm just like come on man like i'd be yelling at a rock like come on man

what the fuck god damn it dude but come on man is my my go-to complaint to inanimate objects i i do you you give a good you give a good come on man and a good jesus christ those are your two solids all right this was the this was the mega viral one which i'll be honest is is fine um i didn't think it deserved um quite the praise but um um linda carter got all into it uh wonder woman she i don't know if she's like a cat i don't know if she's a cat person or something but she got sent it a lot so she like live tweeted herself reading it so that's i think why it got a lot of love um but am i the asshole for perpetuating ethnic stereotypes about jorts? This is about two cats in the workplace. We have two workplace cats in our area worksite.

They add value to the worksite. We love the cats, and the cat's presence is not the issue. One of the cats is Gene. It's a tortoiseshell cat. The other is Jorts, a large orange cat. Jorts is kind of a simple guy. For example, jorts can't open a door even when it's ajar. He just shoves it whether he's going in or out. So he often closes the door when he's actually trying to walk through it. So he traps himself in places. He can't get out. He meows until he's rescued. My colleague, Pam, has been spending

a lot of time trying to teach jorts things. The door thing is the main example. It's a real issue because the cats are fed in a closet and jorts keeps pushing the door closed. Jean can actually open the interior doors since they're a lever type knob, but she can't open this particular door if she's trapped inside the closet. Torty Jean is very nice to poor orange jorts, and she has kept busy letting him out of rooms that he's trapped himself in. So they seem easy to resolve. I put down a doorstop. Pam then said, I was depriving jorts of the chance to learn and kept removing the doorstop. She set up a series of special learning activities for Jorts and tried

to put these tasks on a whiteboard of daily team tasks. I erased them. She thinks that we need to teach him how to clean himself better and how to get out of minor barriers, like when he gets a cup stuck on his head. I love Jorts, but he's just dumb as fuck and we can't change that. Don't get me wrong, watching her try to teach Jorts to walk through the door is hilarious, but Jean got locked in the closet twice last week. Yesterday, I installed a cat cutout in the door. Pam started getting really huffy. I made a gentle joke about you can't expect Jean's tortoiseshell smarts from orange cat jorts, which made Pam furious. She started crying and left the hallway, then sent an email to the group saying that I was perpetuating ethnic stereotypes by saying that orange cats are dumb and is demanding a racial sensitivity training before she'll return by the way not that i don't not that i think it's relevant i think it is pam is a white person and most and it's a mostly minority staff uh oh i mean i don't think

we're gonna have a debate here right i think we know who the asshole is it's that fucking orange i think at the risk of incurring a racial insensitivity training, I think you can broaden it and just say white woman are the asshole. If there's a white woman involved in the story, she's the asshole. Pretty much. It's tough out here for a white chick these days.

It is tough out here for someone interacting with a white chick, no doubt. The... There is... Like like it is and and what sucks for them is that is that you're you're in our boat you fucking you got the white guy treatment for most of your life which means you can still get shit on so it it's tough. It's like, yo. Time to pay the piper. It's like, go ladies, but also you guys are a fucking dream. It is. I swear to God, if I wasn't attracted to white women,

they'd just be useless to me. Just get rid of them. They're the worst. Yeah, Jackie pops on with her fat knuckles, giving the finger. Yeah. Yeah. yeah jackie pops on with her fat knuckles giving the finger yeah yeah um the uh the uh the uh what was i gonna say yeah i mean like look look look the fact that

the fact that she is like demanding a to what seems to be a quite a diverse workforce she's demanding they all take racial insensitivity training because of how someone referred to her cat is even like her cats like stray cats that just hang out at their office which is weird it's like yeah this is that everyone's the asshole because like i don't know like you'll the person writing this is pretty have a good head on their shoulders like i don't know there's an animal around the office i kind of fuck around with it sometimes yeah i don't really give a shit about it right i don't care if it lives or dies whatever i don't know if it gets trapped in the door and dies in there whatever it fucking cares um the uh the uh but like to say that to a group of again it seems to be rather diverse people

like you guys all need racial sensitivity training because you said my orange cat because you said garfield is dumb because you said the dumbest cat alive is fucking dumb uh i i that that was like you know 21 000 retweets 75 000 likes oh here's an update uh let me it's a long update let's see um i just met with hr they had already met with pam hr will follow up um hr was concerned about pam's comparing ethnic stereotypes with giving a cat a doorstep a doorstop um HR also addressed Pam assigning other stuff to uh to co-workers which is not appropriate um this show this chick's gonna end up losing her job over this yeah she should she should there are some times where you think you see stuff that happens where it's like well that's someone got fired for that and you're like yeah good you're like it that's because I'm going to get fired for that. And you're like, yeah, good.

You're like, it might not be something you would typically be fired for, but you deserve to be fired for this. Right. Yeah. For real. Like you should be fired for this and it's going to your permanent record. You should be unable to get another job with this. Like start an OnlyFans, Pam, you dumb goddamn bitch. One last thing here. There are three buildings in our workplace. Gene and Jorts are limited to one. HR told me that there are five holdouts, holdout employees about vaccines and restricting unvaccinated people from entering the building to protect Gene and Jorts was enough to win four of them over so four so five vaccine holdouts went and got vaccines

because of these two goddamn cats everyone i mean fuck this place fuck this workplace everyone's you explain that again sorry i don't i don't quite understand it but there are three buildings gene and jorts are in one hr told me there are five holdouts who aren't coming to work as the vaccines and they are restricting unvaccinated people from entering the building to protect gene and jorts i don't get it oh okay so they yeah i don't get it either restricting unvaccinated people from entering the building to protect Gene and Jorts was enough to get four people to win them over. So those people, like, those people wanted to hang out with the cats so bad?

Yes. Yes. Bro, I got to meet these cats. These cats are amazing. Like, yeah, what am I missing with cats? I got to meet Gene and Jorts. The two greatest cats of all time. Yeah. What am I missing with cats? I got to meet Gene and George. The two greatest cats of all time. Jesus.

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for those of you listening and it's actually very simple to do it's pretty fast easy once you learn like the three steps you got it like a bike so my question to you is what is your rubik's cube what is something that is incredibly easy but people think is difficult and labor intensive so that way you can impress people by not doing much uh eating pussy i think it's i find it to be incredibly easy and i don't know why people are bad at it that is a great answer. Right. Great answer. And I get rave reviews and I'm like, I think anybody can do this. This is a watch the how to video.

I never understand. I'm like, boy, some of you guys are really, really bad at this. But, i also think um the uh the the twirl this it's actually not that easy but once you learn how to do it it's easy but learning how to do it is kind of tough but once you do it people are mesmerized by the twirl the rubik's cube is an interesting one because i hear that they say yeah if you just it's like you twist the top and the middle top middle top middle whatever it is and you just keep that, and all of a sudden it'll work. And I'm kind of like, well, that's bullshit. And also, when the people can solve it in like three seconds, doesn't that just mean that it started out from like almost finished?

I don't – Rubik's Cube is bad for me. You could – one of our famous ATI questions is like, do you have to go to jail for a year or you take a Rubik's Cube? Yeah, do the Rubik's Cube. But that's what he's saying is like there is a there's a formula to it that if you do it and just repeat it, it will eventually. I guess it's about how fast you can do it because you can sit there and I don't know. But it sounds like if you once you know it, even a dummy could do it. Even Jackie could do it. Right.

I that. If you tell me you can solve a rubik's cube i am impressed with you but maybe we shouldn't be um i don't know my i am because it is like i i i i get what you're saying i don't know but rubik's cube will always baffle me will always impress me i'm like wow that was that was that was a magic trick i guess magic is an interesting one if you learn how to do like a card trick yeah easy yeah the the one for me i don't know what i have now the one for me that i always had was hands i i always had like i haven't used them in forever but like i had wizard hands oh no that's like a talent though that's hard but i didn't try i didn't practice it but that's okay but that's so you're just like that's different though that's like being like it's not hard to like hit a three

pointer because steph curry can do it it's like he has a god-given talent oh i see i see okay you know like having good hands is a is a talent um like this is something that like what's something anybody can do but but then i guess like i mean like in this game wouldn't eating pussy be a talent that you just know how to do it i don't that's what i mean though it's just like it's not i don't do anything special it's just do it just stay down there i don't know it's not that hard Hey, uh, fuck. That might be the answer. That's, I think that's it for me. Yeah. Yours. So now, now I'm in my own head. I can't think like, like drinking. I can drink a lot.

There's, you can, there's several extracurricular activities that you can do at an alarmingly large amount and amount of time that i can i can fucking party bro i can party fucking i can party you can that's it yeah i can fucking party party this is easy for me next up yeah that's what's your will hunting let's say this is right right are yours talking no i can just babble i don't this you know okay you know what's a good one you know it's a good one i get so much love for segwaying ads on one minute man i think for like five seconds about any of them like i'm just like oh okay uh this is about spending money so i'll just say like you want to you know you know he

this guy has a lot of money you want to have a lot of money too it's like and people are like whoa the smoothest ad in the game it's like just think of one thing that the company has in common with the topic. And you're good. Crazy. Next up. What's up, KFC Fights? Nick, Jackie, Pavs, everybody over at KFC Radio. Merry Christmas, first and foremost. So something came up in my head regarding Christmas presents. My mom is a lottery ticket giver at Christmas.

Are we garbage for that? And B, are we also garbage for thinking that lottery tickets are wholesome and a great Christmas present? Wanted your thoughts. Have a Merry Christmas, guys. Peace.

By the way, it's Mello from the 30 Rows Up podcast. See you. This guy is just pumping us for free ads. 30 Rows Up podcast is going to be, like, number one on the chart soon. Shout out to all you garbage guys. This is their territory. Kevin and Foley can, I'm sure, hit you with this.

But you're a big Scratchies guy. Also, Foley and Kevin have a new special out today that is i think chronicling like their whole um like rise of are you garbage and then them going on tour which if you're into like comedy i'm kind of a nerd about that stuff i think are you garbage is going to be one of the best like stories in comedy like history the comedy podcasting history the way those guys when the market was like totally saturated those guys like found a way to stand out yeah um i think this special it kind of encapsulates that whole thing i haven't seen it yet but that's out now uh so go watch it i think i think there's some trashness to the to the lottery tickets i think i i don't think so i think it's one of the things

become so customary that it's not trash is it i mean i don't have anybody i've never done that i don't have anybody does it new england thing but like it's like yeah you get like a scratchy in your stocking it feels like something that like your uncle gives you like he comes over with smoking a cigar and he's like here you go kid and i get half if you hit anything big you know two grand uh you know your uncle jack's got to get that right but but it also um the way you always describe it is like you sit around with your family or you do it all together with your friends so it actually sounds like a wholesome thing it is quite wholesome and it is also though like it is

it's a thing that so we do the full book. We get a book, 700 bucks. Yeah. And, like, you get about $100 worth of scratch, and you're like, this fucking sucks. Yeah. I forgot that this is, this is, dude, we had friends who just kind of, you just scratched off the barcode and then just checking the app rather than doing the

fucking whole thing because it is like it's usually good and it makes a mess oh yeah those those shavings scratched off goes everywhere um but you you had that mistaken jackpot the one time right yeah but have you ever and that was it have you ever won big uh we've we've won i think this year again we had like a couple hundred bucks that's what i mean like one two years where like we won money and then like we went out and like drank that's fun yeah one day though you're gonna get like 25k or 15k and it's gonna be you know the best thing you've ever done one of the more fun parts of it too is just fucking uh like we're like all right we have the potential to win eight million dollars here yeah yeah yeah and then we're like talking about

like what houses we're gonna buy and shit yeah it's like gambling it's like you know but it's not anything like because we know it's not but it's fun to be like all right like what do we get like it's almost like a fun it's paying 700 to be inspired to have a fun conversation right right all right so what are we gonna get here okay like you end up having a good time with it um all right last voicemail and then we'll get into our interviews what do we got what's going on everybody uh i'm watching two bears one cave right now and tom fuck it wasn't tom burt asked tom if his dick could talk what does he think it would sound like you know he went through a series of fucking examples and uh it got me thinking like dude what would my dick sound like like you know my would sound like personality Like, you know, what would it sound like? Personality, everything like that.

And I'm sure most people would like to say that theirs would sound like The Rock. You know? You know, rock hard dick sounds like The Rock. I think mine would sound like Donnie Thornberry. That would be funny. Let me know what you guys think. Peace.

This is such a Tom and Bert question. I can see Bert being like, oh, oh, oh, this is good. This is good. This is good can see burping like oh oh this is good this is good this is good mine would sound like barbara streisand or some crazy shit uh sunday conversation with caleb and bert is very very funny caleb did a great job throwing like hypotheticals and playing like games with bert and bert lights up like a kid uh when he does those things so go watch that um if your dick could talk my is i i have one thing in mind eeyore like i like you get eeyore i get snuffleupagus hi balls how you doing balls good to see you again today he's just gonna do the same fucking thing. He's going to smack it around again, isn't he? Oh, there's a girl tonight.

Okay, that's fun. That's a change of pace. But you know what? You have to say that you'd have a soft and a hard voice, you know? Yeah. Like, those are two different, like, you know, there's, like, there's Eeyore John, but then there's like party John. Those are two different guys, two different voices. Your voice changes. You do that thing where you go, Hey, you do that laugh. You know what I mean?

You've got, you've got two different sounds. So you, you know, your soft dick is sounds like snuffleupagus and your, your hard ones like Elmo, like, you know, like excited, like, you know, I would, I'll take that eeyore and elmo hell yeah well what's going on kids yeah what what the fuck did you just say or or uh i'll do my scuba steve you know like hello hello pussy i'm i I'm Kevin's dick. We're here. Me and my Mickey Mouse dick are here to enter you consensually. You say yes? Okay. Let's have ourselves a time. Wait four minutes. He used a Roman swipe, so maybe seven. We'll see how it goes. I can't believe I got to end this. I got to end this.

I forgot you've been cleaning. Yeah, I have company. So it's time. Today's interviews are brought to you by upstart. Now I don't know about you guys, but I am broke and my credit card debt is raging right now because of the holidays had to buy a lot of gifts, had to, uh, overextend myself to make sure everyone's happy and Santa came and they have to find help. So, uh, you know, now can be a stressful financial time and upstart is here to help you by by providing a fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online, whether you're paying off credit card debt or you are consolidating a high interest debt, or you're funding a big personal expense like I said you have a big buy you got to. Over half a million people have used Upstart to get one. It takes all your debt, puts it into one fixed monthly payment by giving you that personal loan that you can get without just without worrying about your credit score. They know that you're more than just your credit score.

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open fucking book. You know, like I would imagine there was a time where he was in the closet and wasn't upfront about his drug use and all these things that he's now like, I'm bisexual, I'm sober, I'm an addict. I'm a comic. I, you know, I was abused, like all these things that are just like this crazy story that he's just so open about that becomes so refreshing. Cause you're just like, oh shit, we're just talking about this. It's all out there, you know? And he's so fucking funny the way he does it. And, and that voice, the look, the stash all of it very very funny dude so let's talk to ian here on ksu radio well i like that shirt it's a good shirt oh hell yeah dude

watching sopranos for the first time ever getting into your violently italian i mean look at me yeah oh, wow. You're not kidding. I'm becoming one. You're not kidding, bro. Are you Italian? I am, yeah. Which is surprising because everybody thinks I'm Jewish. I'm pretty stunned, yeah.

I know. How Italian are you? Every day. Very Italian, like 75. What's the rest of you? I'm like 0.1% Ashkenazi. I feel like everyone's got one of those. God bless you.

What? Ashkenazi Jewish. So you do have a little Jewish? Just like a little bit. A little. Yeah, I got that 23 in me. Wait, you did that? Yeah.

You're going to go to jail? Stupid, right? You're going to go to jail. I know. And I did clear for TSA. Clear. Oh, I can't. I did that one. What's wrong? What's the problem with that one? No, they got everything. They got your fucking jail. I know. And I did clear for TSA. Clear. I got you. What's wrong with that one?

They got everything. They got your fucking eyeball. They got your iris. They got your fingerprints. They got your cum. Wait, they got my fingerprints. I've been arrested, bro. I'm a badass.

You do, bro. Yes, they already had my prints. My boarding time is 520 AM. I got to the airport 510. I'm fucking in. I can go to the bathroom, steal stuff from the Hudson News. I'm good to go, dude. It's great. You've got

to get clear. China's already got her stuff. Who cares? You got an iPhone? You're done, bro. The DNA is a bit much. You know what? You might as well steal and live it up because you're going to go down for murder or rape soon with the DNA. They're going to pin something on you.

I've already gotten away with those guys. I was going to say. And in Ian's case, it might be the right man. He might just be catching you for a crime. It's common, dude. I might as well get my kicks off before I end up in a chain. What you been up to, pal? Just working the fucking circuit?

Dude, fucking... Shooting loads? Balls off, shooting loads. I'm with a gal, and I'm so happy. We got a cat. I saw the cat. We're going to get to the cat. Let's just do it now.

Let's just get it off the table now. What's going on with the cat? Dude, we were moshing it up. I heard. How's your back? Yo, I saw an osteopath. What's that? I didn't know, But apparently it's like an

Eastern medicine Western medicine Healer Bro Like a shaman He's like a shaman He's a Jewish shaman They tried to throw an osteo in there

To be like oh that sounds like a doctor Yeah I went doctor right away That could be the raised in America The MD term is DO For do nothing He legitimately does this for like 10 minutes, and I don't feel anything. And then I swear to God, dude, I can walk.

I was on a cane. I was just like, you were walking pretty good. Remember with my back brace and everything? This is from moshing? Gnarly. No, no. From being old. I did get injured moshing when I was a young child.

Yeah, I've always worried about that. I mean, that Travis Scott shit's the real deal, man. Oh, that wasn't moshing. That was stampeding. Well, you're in a fucking big crowd like that. Shit can go south real quick. Oh, yeah, totally. It's like if one guy's in a bad mood

or gets hit wrong or some shit, a mosh pit can get dangerous real quick. Well, dude, I mean, I grew up going to hardcore shows, and they were gnarly. Yeah. In like church basements with huge guys with broken arm casts swinging their arm around. And you just fucking. Dudes moshing with brass knuckles.

It was crazy. Wait, why? Why? Why did you go to these? For danger, man. To live. That's what white people do. We got to make our own danger

That's why we go rock climbing Are you just pulling out a pocket coffee? Oh I was saying You pulled out one coffee Then you It's like Mary Poppins You're gonna pull out a coat rack next? I got home

I got home last night I want to see them I got home last night. Keep those brass knuckles, by the way. I want to see them. I got home last night at 4 a.m. from the cellar. How do you do it still, man? And you're sober now? Yeah, totally sober. So you're up to four sober? I haven't had a drug or a drink since 2015.

How do you stay up all night? What do you think? I carry pocket coffees. What are you talking about? I have adult ADHD. Everybody thinks I'm on cocaine. I'm like, I did so much, it's still on my system. I mean, I dress like I'm on it all the time anyway.

You dress, behave, and talk like it. Are you holding? What's that? If I'm holding you on the street, I'd ask you, let me get something. Oh, totally. Let me buy a ball off you real quick. Oh, yeah. I mean, my MetroCard probably still has some residue on it.

Dude, my sister was helping me organize my apartment recently, and I wasn't there for her. One of her stipulations was like, you've got to be out of the house. I'm just getting rid of shit that you don't know exists, all this stuff. And she reorganized it. That's dangerous, by the way. Bro, there's so much shit I wouldn't know if it's missing. No, no, no, I don't care about that. Just like, I don't know. There's other things in your apartment. You have a porn's dangerous by the way I had so much shit I wouldn't know

if it's missing no no no I don't care about that just like I don't know there's other things in your apartment you have a porn chest by the way

that's why I brought all the porn in the year you have a porn chest I had one I emptied it oh my god what are you Buzz from Home Alone

I don't know where it's at it's somewhere around here but she saved like a stack of credit cards she's like I don't know if these are still good or not I'm like no

those were used for other things moons ago. Oh, wow. Your Danny DeVito porn stash. We're going to do that so we don't have to blur it out from YouTube. Oh, yes! Lana Rhodes is legit.

Lana Rhodes, lover. My favorite position. Yes. Amazing. Kink chick. High Society. Playboy. Get out of here. Penhouse. Whatever. Smooth. Yes.

The Jet Magazine of Black Porn. Return to the stage. Yes. There's something about... Barely legal. Yikes. Milfs last time. Wasn't there something really gross? Like mature? I thought there was, but I don't think I actually had it.

I went through a phase where I just get drunk and like on the way home I just stop in and buy a porno bag. Amazing. But he keeps these in his uh... My coffee table. The coffee table's like an ottoman kind of- Are these all stories? Dude, that's what I'm talking about! That's my shit! I'm into fucking storytellers.

I think I would be a great erotic storyteller. Are you good at dirty talk? Yes, that's what I mean. Yes. I'm so fucking bad. I'm not saying I would read a fucking romance novel. I'm saying I would tell a fucking story and explain it, and bitches and dudes would be getting off.

Yeah? I think I could do it. I believe in you. But the problem is, I think I could do it but the problem is I believe in you I think I would I'm kind of pissed off uh huh that we we have we're

our voices and our faces are a little bit well known now I think by now I'd be like into OnlyFans and doing some shit yeah that's the thing

I think I would be but I can't everyone says that they're like as long as you don't see my face or any marker I would do it and it's like

well the only way if you don't already have a following you've gotta to tweet it out and hit people up. But see, this is where, I guess I wouldn't have these friends if I didn't do this job, but we used to have Asa Akira on the show. I would be like, yo, Asa,

put this on your Instagram account. And then she would grow a foot. But I wouldn't know her unless I did this pod. But I think by now, I'd be getting into the porn game. You genuinely believe that? Yes. Yeah? You really think you would?

Yes. You would have no... No, without my face. Right, right, right. I understand that. I think I would have an OnlyFans account by now. Would you do a ski mask? I mean, I don't know.

I think I just would not be on the camera. Like a Richard Nixon mask? I would probably get to the point where I'd be having some fun with it, yeah. Right. I think in the beginning I just wouldn't be in front of the camera. You just keep the camera neck down. Then after things started going good, I think I'd be wearing a dead president's mask. I think I'd be wearing a Lucha Libre Rey Mysterio mask.

This is rather revelatory. Because for a better part of a year now, you've been talking about your body dysmorphia and how you're not comfortable. I don't think I would want to be on it. I got cock confidence. I told you I got a nice cock. It's not that big. It's a normal-sized dick, but it looks nice. Slap that bad boy on the table.

I'm a little bit concerned about the balls now. When Burt Kreischer tells you I have long balls, then you got long balls. You got long balls? I mean, when the king of long balls. Yeah, he saw him do it. Like dipping the toilet balls. That got long balls? I mean, when the king of long, yeah, he saw them too. I saw them all. Like dip in the toilet balls. That day, because, you know, they fluctuate.

That day, I think I would have been floating in the bowl. It's that day. Dude, they were low. They were hanging low. They wobbled to a pro. Good for you. But I got a nice looking cock. I got a good tip, though.

Nice. You know, I think it's a nice looking dick. But if you don't like your body or anything. Okay, yeah, I'll do the OnlyFans. But think about the edit process. I hate watching my own stand-up. Let alone the fucking. That is true. Although, I don't know anything I've watched myself back.

That's one thing I don't. I'm okay with that. I've never watched myself. No? Nope, I've never done it. Bro! Yeah, grow up! I've, like, I have a big mirror in my bedroom,

and I've seen myself fucking in the mirror, and I was like... Well, yeah, I mean, I've never filmed, you know, anything I've filmed hasn't been, like, my body. You know, you basically just see my dick. So it's more on, you know, the other person to carry the load of, like, looking good. Well, they're also carrying the load person to carry the load of looking good.

I say you do it, dude. Why not? Dude, it's so acceptable now. If I didn't have kids, I would. It's tough with kids. If I didn't have kids, I would probably have dabbled. If I didn't have any sort of fame, I would definitely have dabbled. You are going to do this. We've never talked about this off-, like with this level of sincerity.

I love this. Dead ass serious. I love this. Dead fucking serious. Yeah, man. I would for sure do it. I mean, new year, new you. I could be like a fucking Steven Spielberg of this shit.

I'd be coming up with angles and fucking lighting. Yeah, because that's a new thing that's gonna happen, and I guess maybe slowly starting to happen in the porn game, where people who are typically, the porn industry's been dominated by people who like to fuck. Yes. That's what they like to do. Now, the door's been opened for people who like to create

content. And that's what I would apply our knowledge to this shit. Yeah, like, I know how this shit works. Like, I, I know how this shit works. Like, the fucking is whatever. I would know how to, like, grow the account. Yeah. Post on certain days. I'd have segments.

I'd have names. I'd have hashtags. One minute, man. Merge those. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly that. I'd be like, you guys are about to get fucked by some social media knowledge up in this bitch.

You should do that. You should start. Okay. We're doing it? You should start an OnlyFans account. And every single video is you just pounding off on a clock.

And you gotta come in a minute. And then every day we tune to see how fast you can. See how fast you can give a fucking face shot to Father Tom. And then we get Penn involved and everybody can bet. Last week he came in 37 seconds. The over-under.

Who's got it? And then a bunch of guys are watching me pound off and they're like, No! 38 seconds! Fuck! That's a market you want to tap into. A bunch of guys that want to watch you pound off. If there's anything I know the gamblers are,

it's they want to watch a guy jerking off. And then we bring Carabas into the fold, see if he can come on a grandfather clock space. Oh, that's a guy. I thought you meant the Italian restaurant. We had a guy on, you know, due to works here, he came in and said it was a closet door in his childhood house in the bathroom. It was a linen closet

or whatever. And he used to come on the door and then mark where the come went and try to beat it. What, like children and their height on a door frame? Exactly like that. And to this day, he sent his mom up. He's like, can you get a picture of the door frame? And there's little marks. Nuh-uh.

Who is this animal? He's a savage. He's an absolute up. He's like, can you get a picture of the door? No. And there's little marks. Nuh-uh. Who is this animal? He's a savage. He's an absolute savage. That is... I mean, that truly looks like I'm looking at forensic files. Yeah. That looks like I'm looking at evidence. Like, Your Honor, Exhibit A, you know?

This is the gnarliest thing I've ever seen. And by the way, so, like, you know, doorknobs are about, like, dick height, usually. Right. So, like, think about blasting off about blasting off a foot above the door. How far away is he? He claims that he was standing far away. I was like, bullshit. No fucking shot.

Dude, this guy is a liar. Yeah. There is no way he is fucking balls to the doorknob. I said maybe when I was telling the story when I was like 16, I hit an air conditioner once. Right, right. But that's 16, 20 years ago. Now I'm lucky if it doesn't just dribble out like a water fountain.

Well, he's 16 at a time. He was living at home. True. I was having sex though. If you save up for a while as an old dude, you can really, you know, bust some heads. And if you pinch, you kink the hose, you know, and then you. Oh, that's it. I get in trouble with that.

I have chronic epididymitis. I got to clean my tubes. I can't hold it in. Well, you are Jewish. Come on. I know. I know. I got a sinus infection. It's an epididymitis. I gotta clean my tubes. I can't hold it in. Well, you are Jewish. Come on. I know. I know. Got a sinus infection?

It's an epididymitis in my dick. If you say you have chronic epididymitis, whatever. I end up getting two foot clumps when I'm having coitus. Ay. Ugh. Yeah.

Throw her a towel. You're a real mensch. Before you get into bed, touch the mezuzah. Which is what I call my asshole. Wait, what is epididymitis? Like, cum gets stuck in your dick or something? Okay. Epididymitis is an inflammation of the epididymis,

which is, if you feel your nut, that little coil on the top, that's where, like, your sperm travels to your re-trum. And that gets... Top of your what? Top of your nut, there's like a little... Do you feel like a little ball or a little thing?

There's a little elastics in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It gets inflamed. You don't expect your testicles enough. I want a coil of my dick. Dude, it was so painful. I had to stop walking when I was going on long walks. And I had to get spine shots every six to nine months.

What? Or else I was going to have to get it removed. Your nut? Or this little piece? The piece, which means you can't have kids. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. Whoa.

So this is no joke. God bless modern science. Dr. Lefkowitz Thank you who's also my relative Can you believe I just can't believe that there are Like people in this world Who are so smart

And so dedicated to their craft That they figure out that there's something called your Epididyl or whatever and that if it gets twisted up We gotta go in there How do these fucking people figure this shit out It's like you're finding out about doctors for the first time. But to an extent, I agree. I agree.

But dude, think about all the people that had to be test dummies for all this stuff. I know, I know. I cut your balls off. I get that way back in the day, some dude died. Leonardo da Vinci grabs their body, opens them up, and there was fluid in his lungs or something. It's like, oh, okay, that's pneumonia, whatever.

But to figure out the balls with the coil, you've got to test every fucking dead person for every fucking thing. It's just crazy. And there was a period of time where you were like, my balls hurt. And they're like, you're a witch! Hundreds of years where they just said, I don't know, throw him in the river, set him on fire! He had the anesthesia for forever in the Civil War.

They were like, here's a thimble of whiskey. I'm going to saw your kneecap off. Chew on this stick. Fucking crazy, man. It's insane. We talked about this a while ago, actually. It is one of the most underrated, talked about parts of American history.

Yes. That we used to, because like- Burn women? We used to take women who were competent. Right. And we were like, they're witches. Right. You know how to read?

And at the same time- Throw them in the water with bricks attached to their feet. We are only grasping the concept of true mental illness and the way the brain works we still don't know like in the last like five years dude we cannot measure pain medically you still have to use the happy smiley frowny well watch dope sick to oh dude you gotta read dreamland it's fucking incredible it's about the story about the intersection of black tar heroin and the opioid crisis and how it kind of came together

Why do they call it black tar heroin? What does that mean? Black tar? Because it's like legit black It becomes like when you cook it up or whatever Have you not seen Dope Sick? No I gotta watch Dude so Dope Sick that chart was created by Purdue Pharmaceuticals but they created another

company so they didn't have to put their name on it and then they put That chart is only in every single hospital room ever. Now, strictly so, a doctor can go... So it starts the pain conversation. And then if you were above a four, they're like, here's oxygen. It was what got me. Yeah, I had a doctor one time

be like, how many Percocets do you want a day? I was like, how many can fit in a fucking bottle? Are you kidding me? Because I'm going to eat 90 in eight days. Let's fucking do this, dude. Come on, man Because I'm going to eat 90 in eight days. All of them. Let's fucking do this, dude. Come on, man. I'm popping them like Tic Tacs. What's the matter with you?

But dude, no. People literally like schizophrenia and stuff like that, like we didn't know depression, whatever. They literally thought the devil was in your brain. It's like, oh no, you've been possessed.

We've got to kill you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or how about when there was like sort of some, there was some mayor or whatever, head of the town, colony, whatever. He's presumably got a wife, daughters, whatever, right? But he comes home and he's like, well, we had to burn Annabelle today. And the wife and daughter are just like, yeah, she's a witch. Just pretending to be idiots, being like, yeah, she can do math. Have you seen that?

I don't know these words. You're right. I don't know what two plus two is. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't understand. Live another day, dummy. Maybe they were onto something. Maybe that's why, like, evolutionarily speaking, a lot of women play dumb as, like, some archaic defense mechanism.

So they don't get burned alive. Yes. There you go. There it is. You're at a cocktail party. It's like, no, I don't understand that. Why? Yeah.

Because you kind of want to get burned alive. Yeah. You don't want to get murdered in the bathroom. I know, right? Sucks being a chick, man. Brutal. Brutal. Dude, PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder it's insane

you know so many science things look at me dude I look like I cum when I see telescopes of course I do are you kidding me what is PMDD it's pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder a lot of women get it

where like Jackie do you know what this is it's like we're the stereotype Real quick. Jackie, do you know what this is? No. It's before they're. It's like we're the stereotype of like, oh, she's a bitch. What is she on her period? It's like, yeah, literally. Like her body is tearing itself out from the inside. She's feeling dysphoric.

She like is full of water weight. Okay. But I challenge you with this. Have they ever gotten shampoo in their dick hole? No. No. And I don't want to hear about child ever gotten an erection at a funeral? No!

No! You'll never know what that's like! You'll never know our struggle. Yes! You get one little bit of shampoo with some fucking, like, uh, with some of that, uh, eucalyptus shit or that, that, that, that, that, that. Lavender? Tree, tree, tree oil. You get that in your dick? Dude, tea tree oil?

Woo! It's like fucking picking chilies and touching your fucking pee hole. It's terrible. Bro, how much shampoo did you guys fuck? Wait, you used? I didn't fuck the shampoo, but. Did you use shampoo as well? Or fucking jerk off with it?

As a kid? Yeah. No, I thought you meant like with a human. No, no, no. And jerking off. Yourself. Yeah. And then there were desperate times where I would try to do it and just like not go all

the way to the hole, you know? Like a very controlled jerk. You guys are like mice with electronic cheese. I touched it once and I'm like, I'm never doing that again. Yeah, well, I mean, I didn't. I'm a dry guy now. I'm a fully dry man. I stopped jerking off.

I highly suggest it. It's incredible, dude. I hear this from all the people who do these things. Dude. Nikki used to say that about masturbating. It's awesome. Why? I stopped looking at porn, too.

Wait, there was something I wanted to say I'm going to make you watch some porn in a minute Well, I don't think you're going to have to twist my arm When you see the type of porn I'm going to make you watch I don't know, you're a fucking despicable person I was, I'm a reformed despicable person Okay, yeah, well not anymore

You're a prude now Talk to me about this no porn and no coming nonsense Is it your brain? I'm in a monogamous relationship So I'm coming all the time you're a prude now. I know, right? Talk to me about this no porn and no coming nonsense. It's, I mean, isn't your brain like I'm in a monogamous relationship, so I'm coming all the time, but I just, dude. There's still something

about jerking off. Yeah. I feel dirty. I feel shame. I've never felt like What are you, Catholic or something? What's going on? Yeah, dude.

Are you kidding me? Do the priests get to you? The clergy's been talking to you? Dude, my whole life, yes. I used to pray when I jerked off as a kid for forgiveness to my dead relatives really fucking insane yes but you got over that yeah now you're back into it anymore no i i just don't like it it's a waste of time i never feel fulfilled and i'm so old now i'm naps after he comes years old so it gets in the way of my day you know

and like I do it as a distraction you know instead of working on shit and then at night it just doesn't make me feel I don't let I'm eliminating everything from my life that doesn't feel good I'm recondoing I don't think you're drinking off right you still like coming

yeah and I do that with a human I don't do it with my hair what if she's away for the night you're alone you're not gonna do it I mean I have I don't like it you just made it sound like you don't it's a thing I'm actively cutting out of my life

I don't want to be in a fucking hotel room in Wapiton North Dakota jerking off in the hotel room is the funnest part SVU on mute I don't even put it on mute i jerk off too oh my god yeah yeah you're jerking off you just hear these steps like a knife wound was it a morgue scene i don't know try it man if you do you feel like clarity you feel better how many days in a row have you not jerked off last time I jerked off was three weeks ago. It feels great.

What feels good about it? You're just happier? Yeah. You feel joy more. Yeah? You do, man. You're lying. Try it.

No. Bro, before you do your OnlyFans dream job, try it. Dude, you want me to be your no-jerk-off sponsor? I'm feeling it. I really want to do it, dude. I got a hard-on right now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ian just burps into the phone for a half hour.

I physically repulse you. I'm just sending you selfies. You're like, never mind. I would honestly do it. I think if I listen to Ian burp, I'd be like, I don't want to come anymore. I wish I could burp on command. I'll be like, I got you, cum. Could you do this?

Yeah, dude. There's no cum thing? I jerk off. I'm jerking off far less than I used to. I was going to say that. I jerk off far less than I used to. How long are you jerking off? Oh, we're still roughly daily.

Yeah. Really? But there used to be a time when it was absolutely daily and maybe multiple times. I used to jerk off every time I got in the shower. I would shampoo, wash, also cum. But it's like an addiction that we don't even realize. It gets you high for a second, and it's a distraction. But also it's not, I don't know.

But everything, we got this thing going now where everything's an addiction. TV and food and fucking, I don't know, it's living, dude. It's true, but some things I just like to do. Yeah, and that's fine. It's like coffee and fucking It's living dude It's true But some things I just like to do Yeah And that's fine It's like coffee's an addiction If it's not that bad It's fine

But I just don't It doesn't make me feel good anymore It's like lost its luster I'm no longer enjoying it I mean when you think about I mean almost everything in life You do it for 20, 30, 40, 50 years

Like you Yeah It's like I don't want to party anymore You lose interest in a person you're dating Yes But jerking off It's like working the same job For to party anymore. You lose interest in a person you're dating. It's like working the same job for 35 years and being like, I gotta get out of here. That's why I'm also not doing it like, oh my god, it was amazing.

It's just kind of like going through the motions. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. And every time I jerk off, I'm like, I won't feel terrible when I do it. I'm like, you piece of shit. I've never had the shame. I don't get that. If you feel terrible, then I would,

yeah. Do it. Hey, jerk off for me, pal. Let me jerk you off. That'll be great. I'm in. Holy fancy. Let's go. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, right? Different tiers of Olympic events. Holy shit.

But we were talking about earlier and uh about like you talked about the what was it mmdm pmdd pmdd yeah am i an idiot yes or do i just have am i incredibly blessed with the people i've had in my life i have never once thought she must be on her period. Right. With any, like, never once. I don't really care. I've never been able to tell if someone was on her period. It's such a trope. Totally, totally. I've never been able to.

My brain's, maybe I'm just so fucking progressive. My brain's never said she must be on her period. I have said that more. I feel like the trope is usually like when a girl's being a bitch or she's mad or crazy. I've seen it more where like, you know, like you're crying at like a commercial or something like overly emotional. And I'm kind of like, that's a weird. Oh, OK.

I see what's going on here. Yeah. It just heightens emotions and heightens like different, you know, like you're more quick to anger. You're more quick to let stuff bother you and like feel like the world is crashing down on you and it kind of like pulls like a rubber band in your head just like pulls you out and kind of like this is what happens when you get your period yes yes all the time i'm on it right now what do you think i'm gesticulating no but it kind of like spins you out for a bit and then once you you start to feel better, it like leaves your system and then it just comes

back. Every fucking human body. That's why a lot of girls go on the pill so they don't get their period. So it lessens the thing. But then that fucks you up with your hormones. That's fine. And then you got to be on that for six months. It tears your body apart.

And you're like, well, that didn't work. Let me try one of the other 1500. It's the same with antidepressants. Fucking night beating. No, it's a fucking disaster no if you if you had the option to like sign you don't have to kill yourself so to speak right but you're the option i think louis ck's got a joke about it where he would say he's like every year i'd sign up again yeah opt-in to being human yeah yeah you had to sign up every year to what i'll tell'll tell you what, there'd be some years I would have probably said no. Dude, I look at my cats and I'm like, in another world, I would love to be you, Samson.

Like, yeah, sometimes they just live such an easy, simple life. Yeah. A dog's life, man. Just like cake. I live, I'm basically. You're very close to a dog. I'm as close to a dog as very close to a dog you have a twirling sniff ass yeah i mean the first one so so

but it is but i also think you can just you could just like i've signed up in my life for so much of this responsibility and shit. I don't know. There are people out there who are just like, I live on a fucking hut in the beach and I surf every day. And their life is probably chill and awesome. But we decide to do this job or get a wife or kids or this and pressure and bills. Because you think you're supposed to do these certain things. Yeah.

I always get fascinated by how many different, there's just so many different lives out there to me, there are people living across the world with totally different traditions and lifestyles and shit that I'm like, we're not even the same species as far as I'm concerned dude, yes find me some kid growing up in Asia I'm like, we are not even the same fucking thing

at all, even within the country that's why I always joke that politics is ridiculous and we're expected to all get along when it's like, no, we all have totally different fucking viewpoints.

If the weather doesn't stay the same, it should be a different country. That's a great idea. You just blew my fucking mind. That's why the Northeast, the Midwest,

the South. If you're in the same weather region, it should be a different country with different people in control. That's so good.

Your priorities are kind of aligned when it's like if there's like 30 inches of snow, like nothing else matters except like fucking just staying warm right now. Like, we gotta get the snow out of here. We'll worry about like gay marriage in a minute. We gotta double the snow first. Yeah, your life matters, but I gotta get my fucking

Ford F-150 out of the driveway and go work at a factory. Exactly. That's why even when COVID first started, there were people who were just totally unaffected who were just like, what are you fucking talking about? This isn't real. And then up here it was like, I don't know, everyone's dying. What the fuck?

You hear the helicopters flying, taking dead bodies around. We pulled up 18 wheelers. We have bodies stuffed with 18 wheelers outside the hospital. What do you mean this isn't real? They docked a ship full of beds and made Central Park a tent city for fucking COVID

patients, for dead people. You guys are out on the beach. I get it. It's nothing to you, but it's fucking crazy over here. Yeah, I know. But then not even on that level, just the people who are like, yeah, I'm not going to get just a job in order to pay bills. I'm going to to get just a job in order to like pay bills.

I'm going to like sail around the world or just something. You know what I mean? Like I look at, I know Instagram's fake and shit, but I see these people who are like, they're, you know, traveling or they're skiing and doing extreme sports and these things.

And I'm just like, that's like your fucking life. Yeah. That's what you're doing. That's crazy. It's like go to work and hang out with people. You know what I mean? Even they have like struggles.

Sure. Sure. Sure. I mean, everybody's incredibly hard to be a fucking human which is why i hate when like some it's like this you know idea of like this person has it harder this and then you are your whole opinion on like why i have it hard like you can't say that because optically you have a better life it's like you don't fucking know me, man. It is so incredibly hard being a human. The first time I learned that chemically, in your brain, it's like, it's all relative to your struggle. The kid who's got finals tomorrow

is freaking out about his test. His brain is reacting the same way to you being like, I need to put food on the table for my kids. He doesn't know any of the struggle, but the brain and the emotions are reacting the same so it's like yeah your problems aren't as hard but you don't know that yeah it's all relative

right so you're still you're all freaking out at the same fucking level yeah yeah and then judge someone so fucking stupid it's so terrible man but that's you know what I think too I've been thinking that we are just living too long I think when life expectancy was like 30 years it was like like, I don't know, you grow up, you have to fight fucking saber-toothed tigers to stay alive. You fuck somebody, you have a kid, you die.

Now it's like, well I retire and I gotta sit around for like 45 more years. Do you know how many retired people work at Home Depot because they can't sit at home? Because otherwise you're just sitting there thinking. Yes. And going crazy. Dealing with your fucking insane brain that you were too proud to work on. Right. So let me just like go to Home Depot and like stock shelves because at least it gives me something to focus on other than. I know. Imagine that you get to like, you get to use like your 401k.

You get to 60. And yeah, you still got, you're like, I'm retired. You're like, no, bro, you're halfway through life. Right. Yeah. What are you talking about what do they now when they say and I don't know

if I believe this but I remember Time Magazine said like right now someone is being born that's going to live to 200 yes if I lived for 200 years

I would be furious yeah when I'm like 175 and I'm like I got 25 more to go according to your time or if I lived to 50 I'm blowing my brains out

wait I suck at math so bear with me on this me too 75 and I'm like, I got 25 more to go. If I lived to 50, I'm blowing my brains out. Wait, I suck at math. So bear with me on this. Me too. But if I live, say I was 200 years old right now. Was slavery still legal in my life? Probably not. Not legal.

No, no. 1800. Yeah. So yes. Yes. 200. Yes. I would be after the Civil War. And your balls would be longer than Kevin's.

Bro, can you imagine right now, which highlights how recently slavery was, but if a person who lived at 200 and was just like, yeah, no, I remember when we owned people. Right. That would be fucking- That's too old. That's too old. Because like- Even now, our grandparents remember Jim Crow.

We didn't use to save water fountains. That's nuts. Right now, grandparents get old enough to say silly, inappropriate things at Thanksgiving. We add another hundred years onto that. It's not going to just be like, oh, silly old grandpa. It's going to be like, we've got to put this guy to fucking rest.

He was alive for some crazy shit. What the fuck did you just say, dude? The silly things are going to change where, like, when we're grandparents, we'll be like, oh, that, is your dog a boy

or a girl? And they're like, pop up, kill yourself, you fucking bigot, are you kidding me? You stupid fucking asshole.

You beautiful, brave man. And we didn't even fight in wars to gain their respect. My grandfather, he was a fucking D-day. He was a G. You spent your whole life with a podcast?

No one ever respected you. Not for a day in your life did you ever have an ounce of respect. Alright, fine. I'm going back to bed. I worked at a grocery store during the pandemic. That was my war. What? You did graduate high school.

What are you talking about? Of course you worked at a grocery store. Jesus Christ. Imagine if, you know, it's like, oh, my grandpa says some racist things. Like, well, my grandpa burned women alive. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do you got on that one?

My grandpa operated on people while they were awake. Yeah, but did he say the M word? No. Okay, he's fine. Madness, dude. Yeah. So when do you want to cash out? 70?

65? 50? I don't know, man. Look, dude, I've dealt with fucking death since I was eight. You've lived a tough one, man. I have. You've gone through it. People fucking die. Shit happens. I learned from lived a tough one, man. I have. You've gone through it. People fucking die.

Shit happens. I learned from a very early age, life isn't fair. Shut the fuck up. I understand shit happened, but we can't. Yeah. All you can do is control the little area around you, and like a rock and a lake, you hope that the goodness that you create ripples out to things around you,

and that's all you can control. So to try to say this and that and like- Save the other rocks yeah let them sink on their own right exactly yes I was listening I was watching Ryan Sickler show and I think it was Kim Cogden was on

and she was like oh she's great she was she said something like I can't believe that people still get all like bent out of shape when bad shit happens like right bad stuff happens and you weather the storm and then it gets better and you have good times and then bad shit happens again. We've been doing this for like 25 years. We're all adults now.

What are you like, you get not dramatic about. Totally. It's kind of like, yeah. That's, I think that's the biggest difference between when you become an adult is like you realize that like bad shit happens and then you got to just get through it. You can't fucking cry about it every single time. No, but I mean you, you have to address it and process it and then you move on. Yeah, you do the best you can to move on. You can't fucking cry about it every single time. No, but I mean, you have to address it and process it

and then you move on. It makes you stronger. It makes you who you are and it makes you more empathetic to people around you. You know, I have an incredible amount of empathy because I've been through

a bunch of shit and I'm never gonna judge someone for them being like a bad person because I've been a shitbag. See, I'm not, I think I, I definitely judge people

but I don't, like I'll judge, I'll not. I definitely judge people, but I don't... Like, I'll judge. I'll make fun of you. Oh, yeah. Totally. You know what I mean? Like, I have an opinion on it, but I don't actually judge you as a person. I don't know what that word is. But I will say, the way the fucking world is now, I cannot help but see someone and be like, I bet I know who they

voted for. I hate that about myself so much. Oh, my God. Ugh. It's fucking so much. Oh my god. That's why my next thing is I stop jerking off. I stop porn. I'm going to stop Twitter because I literally go on and I go I wonder what this fucking jerk off has

to say. Twitter's cigarettes. Twitter is the new cigarettes. Can you believe that we did this? Oh my god. I want one right now. Can I smoke in studio? Yes, you can. Yeah, maybe if I smoke in studio, it'll make her seem more interested

in what's going on. Gotcha, bitch! Just hold that! Yay, dream believer! Staring into the distance! Leaning back! Feet on the desk!

Tracksuit comfortable! New lips, though. New lips? You got new lips? You didn't notice? Whoa. Injections? I don't know this shit.

You guys all... Honestly, you all look the same to me. Yeah. I just paid a lot of money for these. Then why does it still look like a paper cut? No judgment, no bitch. No judgment. Why did you get new lips?

Because I look hot. What does that mean? Like injections? Yeah, injections. How does that work? Is that why you went home early for Thanksgiving? No. But she did get them when she went home.

That's like the girl coming back from a summer break. Did you get them before or after Thanksgiving then? Day before. So you went home early for Thanksgiving?

No, I didn't go home early. She didn't go home early. No, no, no, no, no. We booked the flight and then I was like, well, this is a great time to get my lips done. Where'd you get them done?

Some office. I don't know. By the way, you got to get that shit for free and then shout them out. Yeah. Yeah, you always want to get surgery on the cheap. Dude, I had a friend who got Botox, and she was like, I got it on Groupon.

And her fucking eyebrows like down here. I'm like, you don't say, Megan. We know. Yeah, I know. I'm all for paying, you know, if you can make yourself look better, feel better, and pay for it, go for it. Dude, fucking do whatever you want. Literally do whatever you want. But if you keep hacking yourself up and keep getting shit, it's like, dude, you got to fucking fix what's on the inside.

It doesn't matter with you. Were you offered sizes? How does lip injection work? I was supposed to go in for like half. You can get like half a point or like a full point. What's a point? I don't know. You didn't ask that question.

I'll go with a full. Put some needles in me. I don't know what any of it means. You can go up until five. This camera doesn't work. You can go up until five, and I was so humbled I only went up to one. You can go to five? You can go to five.

Wait, what does a five look like? You came back looking like fucking Angelina Jolie. You came back with a five, dude. Still swollen, first of all. They're going to go down. Second of all, so I was supposed to get half a point, but then I was like, if I'm going to pay for this, I'm going gonna go down. Second of all, so I was supposed to get half a point, but then I was like, if I'm gonna pay for this, I'm gonna

do it. Yeah. Because you can also scale it back if you want to, right? Because I can scale it back. You can dissolve them, so you can go full point. And then eventually you could go up to five. But I just got mostly in the top, and then you can go, there's just all these things. You can go up, you can go out, and I went up. And that's it.. There's just all these things. You can go up. You can go out.

And I went up. And that's it. What? It was funny, though. I don't know what. Somehow, injections came up. And then Jackie looked at Zach. She was like, you didn't tell him, did you?

And I was like, what? Did you get your lips done? And she's like, you knew? I can't believe you didn't know. Actually, I can't believe you didn't know. Because I don't think you look at anything. Everything. You wouldn't notice if someone got a haircut. There's an episode of 30 Rock

where you see the world through everyone's lens. And so Jack Donaghy has, when you see through his brain, everyone has a price tag on them. And it's what he deems that person's value is. And then when you see through Tracy Jordan's brain, everyone is Tracy Jordan. And then when you see through Kenneth

the Page, who's Jack McBriar, when you see through Kenneth the Page's brain, everyone's a Muppet. That's kind of like what mine is. I like that. You guys are all kind of just a bunch of Muppets. What would you... I feel like you would just... Everyone would just be a hole for you.

Oh, God. Jesus,ets. What would you, I feel like you would just, everyone would just be a hole for you. Oh God. Jesus. What a fucking insult. I'm not the one who's planning out my only fans retirement. All right, buddy. Jesus Christ. What would you see everybody else?

I think honestly, I feel like, I mean, dude, in my neighborhood, I get little discounts from all the shops I go to. And like, I love making friends. I feel like you're, you're a little social butterfly. Hey, how you doing I go to, and I love making friends.

You're a little social butterfly. Hey, how you doing? And I bring them all candy at Christmas. I really think I would be like Muppets. Yeah, Muppets. Like on the set of Sesame Street. I kind of have you as like it's black and white, where it's like the Pleasantville, where it's like, hey, neighbor, how are you?

I'm saying hi to people that don't want it. Hey, I didn't jerk off in three weeks. How you guys doing? Literally a guy's walking by today here with a special shirt. I'm like, nice shirt. He's like, you're gay. What's the matter with you? I'm like, kind of.

I love Scott. Well, sometimes, you know. How's work going? It's fucking awesome. On the road? Are you in New York a lot or what? Yeah Every night I'm in New York

I'm at the cellar And I've been on the road Are you at the cellar on Saturday? No, I'm on the road I'm in Long Island Are you going Saturday? Going to the cellar with my family Got a reservation for nine on Saturday

Oh, dude, that rules That's like the whole fucking thing I know I couldn't believe they let me make it for nine They were like The number went up to like 10. I was like, holy shit. What room? It's Big Diggle Street.

Oh, cool. Yeah. It should be fun. I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be a blast. Ah, fuck. I wish I was there. That'd be great.

Yeah, man. It's going great. I'm headlining on my own in these different spots. I'm going to take a break from it in January because I've been out every weekend since October. You guys grind. Were you at Skank's best? I was, yeah. How was that? It was great. I was laid out on the floor

of a hotel in Houston in front of my friend who's a doctor at 6am and I'm like, help me! And then I ask a buddy he gets me steroids and these muscle relaxers. He'm like, help me! And then I ask a buddy. He gets me steroids and these muscle relaxers. He's like, get a cane. You gotta do bed rest. By the way, what was wrong?

I found out that my sacrum and my pelvis were dislocated and because of that, I was shifting my weight so it wouldn't hurt and that put pressure on my lower lumbar. so now that's getting all like adjusted how many doctors you have to see to get there all right well i saw my

one buddy who's a doctor and we did like teleconference and then i wasn't really getting better fucking dislocated by doing that no no and then i went to the osteopath and like you know x rays and all that and then um yeah i like a ago, I got hit by a car on my bike. Right, right. And I went to the hospital for like something else that hurt. And I was like, my hip kind of hurts, but oh well. And it just got worse and worse. How bad was that car accident?

It wasn't that bad, no. I mean, I've been in worse, but, you know. What did we say before? Shit happens. We're all going to die sometime. Was it their fault or your fault? Totally their fault. You get any cash for it?

Dude, I was so shook up that the adrenaline's running and you're just like, I'm fine, I'm fine, everything's fine. You're kind of shook up and you just get up and go and then you get home the next day and you're like, I'm hurting. That actually, that was a cop-out. I would do the same exact thing. I'd be like, get out of here, don't worry't worry about it I die tomorrow like fucking Drew Bledsoe

when you fall over I just want to get up and be like I'm fine I'm fine I'm bleeding from my face I'm totally fine don't look at me I'm good you know dude and I'm like it is weird human nature that like being injured is embarrassing embarrassing yeah dude and and like dude god, I'm in Williamsburg. And I'm like riding around. And I get hit. And dude, a group, these guys get out of the car. And it's all these like huge like Puerto Rican guys.

And they're all coming towards me like lumbering down the street. My inner racism was like, yeah, yeah. It was like, oh, no, they're going to rob me. I'm in trouble. And they were the kindest humans I've ever met. They put my arm around me. They're like, listen, yeah. It was like, oh, no! They're gonna rob me! I'm in trouble! And they were the kindest humans I've ever met. They put my arm around me. They're like, listen, my brother rides bikes, and I'd want someone to do this for him. I'm like,

you're a sweetheart, Miguel. Such a nice lesson. They were probably doing that, like, let's make sure he doesn't sue us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know. That happened to me one time when I was like 17 years old by interracism. Now, to be be fair on this one i was in a bad neighborhood right uh i was in the bahamas buying cocaine oh and we were we were over

the hill in nassau which is something the drug dealer told us to tell people because they would think it's cool they're like tell people you've been over the hill yeah and he was inside getting the drugs and we were sitting me and my friend were sitting in the car and like these four dudes four bahamian dudes came like walking down the street and like the windows were down like oh fuck he set us up this fucking sucks the car was off we couldn't put the windows up and they come over and there's like hey you want to click and they gave us beers we just chill that's the best it was like that's the best i will say you're such assholes but again we were told situationally like i didn't even know what like race they were I just saw

shadowy figures lumbering down the street coming at me talking to each other and I'm like I'm in trouble you know and then they were just like

nice as pie you know is that a saying it is now it is now so nice you want to fuck them yeah yeah yeah

nice as a cream pie that's right you're not allowed to say that anymore you're shunning porn I feel like you're appropriating their porn culture now I mean dude I support porn I support sex workers does it sound like you do

I mean I had for years with my fucking wallet I put half a fucking back page through college from, you know, sitting in a hotel room in Glendale being like, so you went to school for theology? You want to go to IHOP?

I'm a new man. Are you happy now? I'm incredible. You have a cat together? You're living together, I assume? You have a cat together? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, it's great man. And what did you want to say about this cat? I didn't know, I just, I didn't, I guess I'm just, I'm always surprised when I see cat people.

I didn't think I figured you for a cat guy. Oh, I totally figured for a cat person. Well now, what does that mean? I could see you being like, I have a cat named like Mr. Scruffles or some shit. Oh, no, I hate those. I named them Samson. You want to talk about Catholicism. My favorite character in the Bible is Samson and Delilah. Oh.

And the Regina Spector song. Wait, what happens in the Bible with Samson and Delilah? And the other one's Beans. What happens with Beans? I know what happens with Samson. Samson and Delilah. Samson had long hair, and it's where he got all his power, and everyone knew that he had long hair, and he was powerful because of it,

and he would rip lions in half. And then he started shacking up with Delilah, and she cut his hair, and he got in prison, and he couldn't break free from the chains because he was weak. So it's all about how... Ultimately, you never trust a bitch. That's where we learned you can't trust these hoes.

No. That's right. She just cut his hair in his sleep. That's why priests go for boys because they'll never take away their power. Next time a bitch steps out of line

I'm just going to yell Samson and Delilah! Yeah. Next time you get hurt by a woman you're just like don't cut my hair! Oh wow. Didn't know you were autistic.

Man even back in the Bible that shit was happening that's crazy. Oh, yeah. Again, fucking women are witches. Tale as old as time. But yeah, man, it's great. I have two cats.

I love them. Dude, I got a cat wheel. I'm training them to run on the cat wheel. It's fucking awesome, dude. It's great. Yeah? You ever see those people who walk cats? I'm going to be that guy. I wheel it's fucking awesome dude it's great yeah people who walk cats I'm gonna be that guy I walk around I can show you a picture I walk around my apartment

he's on my shoulder oh that's kind of cool transition you could be one of those you know New York City weirdos like the guy with a cat on his shoulder yeah I already am yeah I don't even need the cat but I love it it, man. I fucking have pajamas and a robe, and I read the paper, and I sip my coffee. I had a cane. I call the police on my loud neighbors. You know, these damn kids. I love it. I am embracing my old man-ness.

It's the best. And what's going on in the podcast world? What are we working on these days? Well, I got a Sopranos watch-along podcast with Sam Roberts from Jim and Sam. It's called Sopranos Prima Volta. That's the shirt. Which also, by the way, has some heavy two-and-a-half-men vibes.

Oh, yeah. Dude, I swear to God, I was just home in Delaware, and in my childhood bedroom, I found... I used to wear tracksuits in high school. I found some velour tracksuits. I found a shirt that says Italians rule and then like

a list of ten things about Italians. It's like, Italians make the best lovers. Italians love they mothers. It's so fucking dumb. Please tell me the whole thing rhymes. No, I'll rewrite it to rhyme. It's the dumbest shirt ever and I can't wait to wear it every day.

Oh, it's fucking incredible. Looking back at high school clothing is a scary thing. I mean, my bedroom's like a time capsule. Yeah. My girlfriend came over, and we stayed with my mom for a night. Then we went to her parents, and she saw my childhood bedroom. It's been left untouched? Dude, it is insane.

I mean, I told you like religion, Catholicism. There's a thing on the wall. It's a crown I made in first grade that said I am a child of God. And then above that, there's a corn poster. And then over here is a picture of Jesus helping a child swing a baseball bat. Next to a poster signed by Glenn Danzig. What a Rorke Shaw test. playing a baseball bet, next to a poster signed by Glenn Danzig. It's like, what? What a Rorke Shaw test.

That's how you end up with it. Put all that in a puck cauldron. God bless. Put in a sprinkle of Ashkazani. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ashkazani? It's not like you're making a pasta dough to eat. I'm pretty close. Ashkenazi.

I'm close. I know, man. That's incredible.'m pretty close. Ashkenazi. I'm close as hell, man. That's incredible. Ashkenazi versus Ashkenazi. My boy Ashkenaz... Ashkenazi. He's a good egg. He's great. Yeah, man. It's great. Yeah, I got a podcast called Bye Guys on

Zach and Nico. Yeah, it's great. You guys are everyone do it. It's a blast. Hell yeah. It's a good time. Both basically bye except for the whole actual bi thing. You do OnlyFans a couple times. You lose some numbers. You're going to go gay. I just got to fuck a guy, and then it's all easy.

Is there anything more straight than fucking a guy? That's what I'm saying. You're owning him. People are like, fuck the patriarchy. I do it. Literally fucking. You fucking run your mouth. I make them limp out of my apartment. That's right.

I put my fucking... My dick where my mouth is. Literally, I put my money where my mouth has been. I love it. You want to go answer the internet? Oh, dude, I'd love to. Let's do it, man. Hell yeah.

All right, our second guest today is Mo Ammer. He jumped on a FaceTime from the set of his new TV show. I think he was in his Benz, just flexing on us. Funny dude who has, he opened for Chappelle and went all around the world with him. So you can't get a higher cosign in the world of comedy than that. So making his KFC radio debut, it's Mo Hammer. Let's talk to him.

What's up, man? We got your audio. We don't have video, though. Awesome, bro. Awesome. Here we go. Awesome. Sorry, man.

I'm literally on set. We're filming this flashback in my series. Let's go. I'll take that. Literally filming in front of my middle school and my high school that I went to. So I was just sitting with little flashback me. Sorry, flip it back.

Little flashback me. Hang on. It's completely unreal, bro. Let's talk about flashback you. Did you get a hotter kid than you used to be? Who's playing you? That's a great question. Who's playing you? That's a great question. Who's playing you? I don't know, man.

I'm pretty high on the handsome scale, so you know it's gonna be hard. You know what I mean? Bro, if I was gonna go back, I was a little blonde haired, blue eyed kid. If I was going back to pick out a kid, let me tell you what, I'd go to the market and pick me a fresh one.

I'd love to see the casting director being like, we got any better looking children? This kid's not sexy enough. Yeah. No, I want to get better than that until I pick the ugliest child I can find.

Even better. Give me the grosser kid. Yeah, well, you can't get worse. Are you doing a bit of a victory lap? I feel like when you make it and if you're doing flashbacks, you're going back

in time, in front of your old school, are you thinking about friends from the past or the kids you didn't like from the past? I know what? Are you thinking about friends from the past or the kids you didn't like from the past? I know what I'd be thinking about. I'm thinking about the teachers, little punk-ass teachers who said I wasn't going to beat them. That's what I'm thinking about.

I'd be the type sticking it down. It's pretty amazing, bro. When I first came to the States, it was one of the first apartment complexes I lived in. We used to jump over this bayou and go play football over here. And now we're filming at all the production company, everybody here, filming in front of the school, flashbacks from my life. Sorry, flashbacks from my life.

It's pretty intense. It's really surreal, bro. It's been really cathartic. Are you tough to be around because you're so high right now? Because I would be. If I was back in my hometown, I'd be like I don't know, like pissing in the street and stuff.

They're not even going to arrest me because of how much economy I bring in here. I am the LeBron James of this place. You know what? I need to be more aggressive like that. For sure. You're right. Aggressive is a good word for it. It's pretty amazing

that it's never happened before in Houston. There's never been a narrative sitcom showcasing Houston, which is so absurd. It being the fourth largest city. It's never happened. I mean, Reba, but that was filmed in Burbank. You know what I mean?

And it was Reba. And you're following a similar structure to Reba? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually play a redheaded woman in present day, and we're showing pre-transition my job it's it's just uh it's been really cathartic man honestly like i don't even have time to like feel anything like as far as like oh this is what we're doing here this is what it is it's just like um it's all been really cathartic you know recreating certain memories from my life not only through flashback but in present day storylines and um it's just been a lot to take in so maybe in like

a year when we drop it and it's dope then i could just be like yeah bitch i did all this maybe but i don't think it's a part of my nature but i definitely think that um it's bringing something like this to houston and showcasing we got some great like drop-ins that are that are non-traditional that are really cool for the show so you got like memories and stuff you had a pretty good childhood you know you didn't suppress all that shit just by just when you saying that i saw your left eye twitch a little bit i could tell a lot yours was i felt your left eye twitch a little bit. I could tell a lot. Yours was. I felt my left eye twitch.

Usually you don't feel your own tails. I was like, boy, I'm having a seizure right now. What are you? Well, we're good for you. Is this is this what whip are we in here? Is this your car or is this something like on the set? Yeah. What are we driving? No, it this your car or is this something like on the set? Yeah, yeah. What are we driving?

No, it's my car. It's my car. I'm driving a Mercedes Benz S550. My man, pots and pans. You made it. You made it. I'm still driving a Hyundai. I was never a car guy.

I'm not much of a car. I never will be, and I never really was like, I was like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna buy an expensive car. It's not for me. But now I'm like, well, got to flex a little bit. Yeah. Now I'm like, we're going to have a fucking Hyundai.

Exactly. I need something a little better. Yeah. Definitely not a Hyundai. Jesus Christ. But yeah, I can definitely tell you that I was like that too. I've always been like my family first and then I'll take care of myself later and then my manager actually he was like bro go get yourself a nice

car this is enough i was like okay and then i drove this car and everything else was shit you know you can't go back yeah couldn't go back i drove bmws i drove those i drove everything else i was like this is so different why like it's everything else. I was like, this is so different. Why? Like, it's air rights, suspension modes. I was like, okay. I'm going to be driving, going, you know what I mean? I got divorced. She took everything. She can't take this from me. The

divorce car. I like that. I like that, man. I certainly know that game. That's why Kevin has a Hyundai. Yeah. Let me tell you something, Mo. Let me tell you something, Mo. I certainly know that game. That's why Kevin has a Hyundai. Yeah. So you can have it. Let me tell you something, Mo. Let me tell you something, Mo. There are two different versions of divorce cars.

There's like, I got my car after the fact, and I'm going to fucking shove it down your throat. And there's the, you got everything, so I can only afford a Hyundai divorce car. So we're working on getting that second one. Here's how my shit went down. Look, I love you, and I do. Take everything, but I'm keeping it.

So if you could have had anything from your relationship, it's the car. It was so funny that. It was so funny because I ended up moving into the Four Seasons for a couple weeks. It wasn't on my dime either, I promise it was just like happened to work out because of work and i'm pulling up and uh the valet they know me because we've stayed there before when we're doing shows with dave and stuff so they saw me like it was that man and they're just taking out just like a really like mismatched shit out of my trunk. It's like a record player, golf clubs, albums, and then my bags.

He looked at me. I was like, I got divorced. He was like, no. Yo, checking into a hotel with a record player and golf clubs is some shit. What is this, dude? That's all I have. That is fucking hilarious. I saw what is this, dude? That's all I have. That is fucking hilarious.

It was so, because I saw his face, like, trying to figure it out. He was trying to map it out. He said, maybe it was, I don't know, maybe this guy is just like, you know, is old school, plays records on the golf course. You know, like, just saw him trying. That's great, man. And when I saw him struggle, his left eye twitched. So, wait, I'm looking at the chain.

I'm looking at your chain and then I can see in the back there, the hat has the same logo. What's that? What are we working with here? Shit, I forgot. Man, that's letting you guys know too much about me right now. Dead body back there. Some bloodstains. You can hear a bunch of pounding.

Guys, Columbo on me. back there, some bloodstains. You can hear a bunch of pounding. Let me out. Guys, this is Mo in Arabic, but it's been straightened out. It doesn't look like... This is supposed to be swooped and it's supposed to look much different than this, but my designer, an amazing designer in Chicago,

Nermeen, she came up with it. I was like, I's, that's an Arab, but I don't want it to be like easily deduced by Arabs. Like, I don't want it to be that way. I just want it to be like almost like a symbol. Yeah. You got prints up in here. Mother of God's got his own symbol. Yeah. I was like, I just don't want it to be like easily read.

You know, I think it's like kind of corny if it just says Moe and everybody like swooped out I just want it to be different so she was just like yes it also looks like a key as well yeah yeah yeah that's fucking cool shit I like that explanation and then it also looks like as it also looks like a duck yeah a duck bro I was gonna say the tiktok symbol

but yeah duck as well you got everything that thing's a fucking anamorph I'm undefeated 9-0 but yeah, duck as well. You got everything. That thing's a fucking anamorph. I'm undefeated. Nine and O. Yeah. Like,

I just, it was, it was unintentional. It just happened. That's the cool piece, man. So, uh, what,

you are from Houston, you moved to Houston and like, that's where you, that's, you know, where your life is. Yeah,

no, absolutely. I've never left. You know, people always, uh, you're like, oh, you brought's you know where your life is yeah no absolutely i've never left you know people always uh you're like oh you brought the show here back here you're back houston i'm like well i never left i just didn't go out you know like just just touring so much and then you come back i just always lick my wounds in houston and saw my family and then i was back out i definitely spent more time on the road than I did in Houston. I always thought it would be beneficial for me, like mentally, to not live in L.A., you know, or New York. I love New York and I spend a ton of time out there, but I just never thought I just saw so many guys come back.

So when I first as a teenager just started doing stand up, so so many guys that would rush to L.A. and then come back from when I first as a teenager just started doing stand-up. So many guys that would rush to LA and then come back six months later with their tail tucked between their legs selling furniture and shit like that. Working at what? Was it Max? Who's the big furniture guy down there?

Oh, yeah. What's his... Matt just met. That guy. That's a flex. That dude was like tossing around a million what's his Mattress Mattress yeah that guy he was he that's a flex that dude was like tossed around

million dollar bets yeah yeah he's the fucking man was it yeah it was like everyone in the whole fucking city gets a mattress if they win or some shit

there was that I mean didn't they put up everyone with the flood yeah he was he was a cool cat yeah he's incredible he's incredible

no he did this whole he does the Super Bowl bets every year. Yeah. So you can bet on a team and you buy, you know, you have to buy like $25,000 worth of furniture. Crazy amount. But if you spend that much and if your team wins, you get all your money back.

Like crazy. That's fucking fire. Excuse me. I forgot to do that. He's taking jets from like Houston to Vegas to play sports bets. He's taking jets From like Houston To Vegas To play sports bets And then come Yeah

He's wild bro He's great But he's done a lot For the community man He's really like a legend Out here Everybody loves him And respects him

He opened up his store And had people there It's crazy You want us to take him out So you can be the Houston guy Yeah We'll take care of him Yeah

I'll tell you I got it Man I got nothing going on This weekend You let me know We're like you know There's only one thing You hear something, guy? Yeah. We'll take care of him. Yeah. Man, I got nothing going on this weekend. You let me know. We're like, you know, there's only one thing holding me back. Yeah. No, you know what?

You just changed careers. You're like, I'm done with stand-up and television. I sell fucking beds now, bro. No, man, I'm serious, man. People will come back just like not well. I'm like, never. And would come back just like not well. I'm like, never. And then my mentor, he said, you can always be six months too early,

but you can't be six months too late. And I really took that to heart. So I just went on the road and just worked my ass off and started touring with Chappelle after that. Just like we started touring the globe independently with our crew. And then we started like standup was not even a thing. Like, in Scandinavia in 2006, 7, 8, 9, we got, like, Bill, we got Doug Stanhope in the market there. We connected them, and he started doing it.

Like, it was way before anything was popping. And then I just kept writing and, like, banking stuff. Like, the opening to my series I wrote seven years ago. Really? Wow. And then just waited it out, yeah. What's, how'd that always been? How'd that Chappelle connection come about? Um, well, you know, I'm saying I was in South Africa,

just minding my own business. And then he just like, no, it was, um, so yeah, we've, we've known about each other. This was like, um,. So, yeah, we've known about each other since like 2004, 2005. We were touring with him when we did that tour called Love Made Me Funny. His family became like big fans of it. Then he showed up to our show in 2007. And I'm sorry, I hope the air conditioner is not bothering you. No, no, it's all good.

So, yeah, he came to our show in Columbus, Ohio. We had a theater show there in 2007. Actually, his mom, his brother, his sister, and his, at that time, seven-year-old niece came to the show. And they were like, Dave's coming. We're like, oh, dope. And then he surprised the audience, did it an hour after our show. Top of the dome, squeaky clean, like hysterical.

The guy is just amazing. We went and had dinner. He went squeaky clean with it for it? Squeaky clean. He said ass and apologized. Dude just showed up at his old high school and called kids the little motherfuckers and he's going squeaky clean for you? That's like the highest

thing I can hear. That's big praise. He did it. Nobody nobody asked him to he just did it you know nobody was just like hey dave could you please what are you crazy nobody knows about that shit yeah no of course not why would you and you just let him do his thing he's you know he gets it of course and then so yeah he just did that and we went out to dinner we had like a hour i don't know how many booze chilled together mom and so we all took his whole family out to dinner we just had her like a family dinner started laughing smoking outside smoking cigarettes outside talking that's how our relationship started and we just became friends for instance, then. And then in 2011, I had a show with Azhar in the Bay Area. And then AZ finds out. He's like, yo, Dave is in the Bay.

I was like, what? I was like, he's in Oakland. I was like, man, that's amazing. He's like, he's there the whole week. And we're so crazy. He's like, anyway, this is a whole nother crazy part to it. I'm not going to leave it out, but he, he, you don't have to. Give us the crazy part. Let it rip, bro. It's just us. I don't want to even ruin it, but I had

literally a week before I had the dream and a dream about the whole situation and I forgot about it. The only person I told was Azhar. And the whole thing literally came true the week later. It was wild. It was like, we didn't even write all over. And I looked at AZ.

I was like, remember my dream? And we just both freaked out. Like, it was really just like a, I don't know. You did some manifesting of it? No, it was random, bro. I haven't seen him in years, like a couple of years at least, you know. And then it just happened. It was just, it was so out of left field,

but it just everything that happened in the dream, like literally happened. It was fucking bananas. Do you believe in that kind of stuff? You believe in fate, fucking manifestation, all that stuff? I mean, man, you know, when you say that, do you believe in that fucking shit? No, because I actually, you know, some part of me believes in that fucking shit.

I wanted to skip it, okay part of me believes in that fucking shit. I wanted to skip it, okay? Because a motherfucker's like you. No, bro, I'm with Kevin where, like, my fucking, the, like, guy in me is like, that's not, you make your own way in this world. But then, like, there is parts where I'm like, fuck. That was too weird. It's unexplainablexplainable. Some parts

got to just be left up to a higher power or whatever you want to call it. Exactly. Look, the best way I do believe in God and what believing God means to a Muslim is this way my teacher described it to me. Your incomprehension of God is

your comprehension of God. Your comprehension of God is your comprehension of God. That's it. Your comprehension of God is your comprehension of God. It's an infinite thing. How can you describe something that you can't? It's your brain short circuit when you try to describe what God is. It's not a man in the sky with a thing. Get out of here.

It would be so much easier if he was, though. It would be. No, it wouldn't. If it was a guy who had a Twitter account, I'd be like, yo, God, what the fuck, man? It's the worst it could have is a guy up there. It's so awful. Did you see him off in the distance when you're flying? I do believe it.

I do believe it. We all carry it. I mean, it's just fact. We do have energy, this shit does happen you can call somebody on the other side of the planet and be like, man, I was just thinking about you it's just, you know

it was that kind of thing, it was more like that, it was completely subconscious and it happened, anyway, the point is we popped into his show at the chapel, and then he's like y'all wanna do some time tomorrow, we're like, yeah and then of course, and then we started dead, and then he's like y'all want to do some time tomorrow we're like yeah and then of course like and then we started dead and then he's like you want to come back tomorrow the next day yeah and then like 2 000 shows together no yeah that was just one jesus christ yeah yeah yeah it was like 2012 13 14, like throughout his whole journey of the comeback situation.

I saw the whole thing. Yeah, you've seen every side of him, like, you know, pre-fame, middle fame, post-fame, now resurgence of fame, all of it. Yeah, he was still famous. He was always famous. He was just like levels to it. And it's just like, he was like two, three years removed from Chappelle show, which obviously a very traumatic experience and, um,

in a calm, cool place. And then seeing his resurgence and really going for it was a spectacular to see that it was a massive learning, you know, experience. So I saw, um, Mo, Mo, uh, Mo in Texas. And I feel like, uh, the, the, that you have a bit about how people try to put Texans

pit you against Muslims, against Texans and now you're like, no, fuck that, we're all together but I also do feel like it's got to be an interesting experience being in Texas your whole life as a Muslim No, absolutely it's had waves in it, but I, I really, I really don't accept the, the, um,

the fact that it's like, Oh, you're in the South and this is what it's like. It must be so hard. And you know, they hate y'all down there. It's not true, man. This shit is bullshit. It's like a very small percentage, extremely small percentage. And, uh, and I also don't blame them. Like, I think that it's really just arrogant to just like be so dismissive. Like these people are so dumb. I guess people also fed a particular news source that's from their country and they look to and they think that this is real and that's what they believe. It's like, man, come on, man come on man give it give it let them breathe like i think just having those conversations is really important and i have

a ton of friends that like that i mean they ask me to do some wild shit that i don't do like my neighbors one time would be like come on we're just we're gonna go spray some boars at a helicopter i'm like i'm all set on that dude Have they ever asked you to go mudding? Yeah, yeah, of course. I did. I was in, so I'm from Massachusetts, but I went to school in Florida, and I was down in Tallahassee, and they were like, yo, we're going mudding this weekend.

I was like, what is that? I'm thinking it had to mean something other than play in mud. No, we go drive cars in mud. That was my biggest southern thing. i was like i mean i think how about i think i'm gonna draw some boundaries with us how about when hank when uh what was it gigging when you stand frogs with a fucking pitchfork i'm all good man i'm all good on that dude i mean look he had me at killing pigs you know i was like icing um i was like spray down some pigs what's what's the most like redneck shit you think you've ever done in your life sleep with one

bro sleeping with the rednecks not redneck shit sleeping with your sister's redneck shit in a trailer you missed the last part oh in a trailer Sleeping with the rednecks, not redneck shit. Sleeping with your sister's redneck shit. In a trailer. You missed the last part. Oh, in a trailer? You fucking in a trailer. Trailer, that is. You're right.

That's a fucking. What are your thoughts on, you know know it's not Houston it's obviously much more Austin but this influx of people into Austin I'd imagine it's got to be a little bit of kind of everywhere in Texas I heard that it was like 160 new residents a day right now that actually sounds low to me

that seems like a lot to me more than more than a lot of now too but austin is just um they've ruined it they've literally fucking they're ruining austin yeah what is that wasn't that austin's fear for such a long time like keep was it is it keep austin weird like wasn't that the tagline like in like the 80s yeah it's over now it's over now it's like and it's like it's become a thing like just seeing californians move to austin and then all of a sudden they started wearing cowboy hats and

shit walking around like fuck yeah yeah just kill me right yeah it's awful like literally i saw that fuck yeah what's up, guys? Brutal. Yeah. Immediately, it's over. And I'm not even that guy, but it's just like, I'm all about preservation of authenticity, and that just murders me inside. And Austin was always a really special place to go visit. Now, it's cool.

It's very special. It's really dope. I filmed my first special there, and it's just different. It really is, man. It really is special. It's really dope. I filmed my first special there and it's just different. It really is, man. It really is. It's tough. But Houston is still maintaining, although that... But Houston can support that. It's such a big... It's much bigger. It's such a large

city. Yeah, it takes so goddamn long to get around everywhere. We were there for the Super Bowl a few years back. It took fucking 40... I mean, Super Bowl week is obviously different, but it took like 40 minutes to get everywhere. Well, usually 20. What's that? It's usually like 20. Honestly,

I knew the number was 20. I exaggerated on purpose to a guy who lives in Houston. I knew it was 20. I knew that was the tagline. You're like, bitch, I'm here. It's 20. I know. Yeah, I know. It depends, though. It's one side to the other.

It could take you hours. It's not a joke for sure. You said you love authenticity and stuff like that. Where do you think in the world, where's the place you went that was like the most authentic that resonated with you throughout all your travels? Oh, man. There's a few there's a there's there's definitely several that i you know like cape town south africa joe bird south africa in

general is just such a i think africa africa just amazing you know i haven't been that many as my other friends but i i've gone to like from south africa to the Northern Horn, which is like, you know, Morocco, Tunisia, Egypt. I haven't been to Libya, but it's like those are all like really anywhere in the Middle East. Really, you'll just see like down home. Everybody's like grounded and lively. Just I just love that man is. First of all, Joburg was was i don't know top three coolest things i ever heard i never just referred to as joe berg yeah in my head i was like holy

shit he never heard no i've never heard joe berg i don't run in those kind of circles i've i've heard the whole word once in my life we're not joe ber, bro. I was watching Safe House with Ryan Reynolds and came up. That's about it. But when you travel, language isn't a problem. I was supposed to just go to France, and I was so nervous about just being the guy who didn't even try and learn the language. I was like, people are supposed to. Then luckily, Corona hit, so I didn't have to go. No, speaking of France, bro, I had this thing when i did shows in paris and i was gonna go walk out the guys were like

hey just fyi you know nobody speaks english and i looked around i'm like i know i'm fine because i speak arabic so i went i went to the farmer's market and everybody's tunisian algerian but i just i speak arabic and spanish and english English obviously but I rarely have problems with language anywhere I go it's pretty awesome actually yeah that's actually one of the more anytime somebody knows multiple languages speak something fluently I'm always wildly impressed because I'm like

I can't even remember an ounce of Spanish after you know 18 years of it in school yeah man I just pick it up really I credit that to my parents you know when i they put me in the english and arabic school at the same time you know i i really think that parents are making giant mistakes by holding their kids small like it's too much for them no it's the opposite like you should feed them early and what my teachers told me taught

me something too was really cool he said memory in young age is like etching in stone and memory and old age is like painting water. It's true, man. It's true. I don't remember shit. That's a fucking cool answer. Yeah.

Right. You know what? What's wild though is, you know, out of all these travels and all these interesting places, uh, you know, if you were to ask people from some of those places,

I feel like Texas is one of those wild spots in the world. You know what I mean? So to do like Mohammed in Texas is, I'm sure it resonates with a lot of people in a lot of different ways because Texas is a wild fucking place, man. It is a wild place. And I just want to lean into it and just kind of like own it. And it's a name that I actually scribbled in my notebook

like 10 years ago. And I stumbled on it again. I'm like, man, you know, I I think I'm gonna name this Mohammed in Texas it just and it came out in the middle of my show just I didn't like because the because the bit about like the Scott part wasn't really a bit it was more like a statement it was originally a bit and the bit was much longer than that and it was all these act outs and all this and and then in the middle of the taping, I shifted, I was like, no, that's not the bit. Don't do the bit. Change it. He was always there for me. And like, it just happened in the middle of my set.

So while we were filming, I didn't, I didn't know I was going to do that. That's fucking awesome. This guy stumble into. That's always the best stuff, right? That's when you find the real gold. It's like when it's. Yeah. Yeah. I did hundreds of sets, you know, and then I was just like when it's yeah yeah i did hundreds of sets you know and then i was just like doing it a certain way and then the middle of the taping right as i started talking i was gonna go into it i was like no no no no boom this is it and i just started doing it and the first show worked and then and then i did the second show and i tweaked it and it was great i

was like oh this is it that was it for sure well that's awesome dude that is great shit man it's uh it's available now on netflix muhammad in texas and uh be on the lookout for everything else you're doing just look look for the sign you got to put that shit out there like the bat signal boom you see you see the most signal out in the sky you know shit's about to go down yo man much love you guys are hilarious bro thank you for having me have a good one later bro thank you for man much love you guys are hilarious bro Thank you for having me Later bro Much love bro peace សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.