KFC Radio - Feits Thinks He Wants a Kid Ft. Mike Feeney

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 00:09 When will KFC get an umbrella 05:03 Feits "salt shaker"-esc flight 15:06 KFC is the worst millionaire ever 19:51 Jackie had to be sent home from the Barstool Christmas Party 32:44 Falling asleep in bar bathrooms 39:16 Feits wants a kid 43:27 Feits' RIDICULOUS new purchase 54:47 Hanging with the boys vs getting laid 01:13:45 Mike Feeney Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Pirate Water: Go to https://drinkpiratewater.com to find Pirate Water in a location near you or order on gopuff BetterHelp: KFC Radio is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/KFC today to get 10% off your first month. Solo Stove: Run, don’t walk, to https://solostove.com to pick up the limited-edition Snoop Stove and join Snoop in going smokeless for good. Go to https://HelloFresh.com/kfcfree and use code kfcfree for FREE breakfast for life! One breakfast item per box while subscription is active.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I'm never stopping, I don't care this, I just love this sweet, sweet nicotine. What's it gonna take for me, and I'm gonna lump you in on this I think. I don't know. To become an umbrella guy. What's it going to take? Did you have an umbrella today? I did not have an umbrella today. But I'm not not an umbrella guy.

I don't really ever use them. But I also have one. I only use it if it's like torrential downpour. So like today, how could I not get an umbrella today? How could I not grab an umbrella? Is it raining right now? Bro, I mean it's like biblical rain. My kids had a two-hour delay because of rain.

My entire backyard is flooded. I looked at the weather, saw it was going to rain all day. Saw it on the news, talked to people. And then I just don't grab an umbrella. It's like rock bottom for not umbrella usage. If I'm not going to use an umbrella today, I don't think I'm ever going to use an umbrella. What the fuck is wrong with me?

What's it going to take? I feel like I'm at, it's like an alcoholic at rock bottom. I'm on my 50 UI. I just ran over some kids. What's it going to take for you to stop drinking? What's it going to take for me to just be like, get the umbrella? But you're not wet. Well, this is my second thing.

What do you think of the move of holding the jacket over the head move? This fucking thing is driving me crazy. I think it's sound. I mean, it worked. But I felt ridiculous walking. I think that's worked. Yeah. But I felt ridiculous walking. I think that's a – You got to do something. That's a fashionable umbrella. Maybe that's a little take.

It's a dual-use umbrella. Maybe if – You invented a hood. Yeah. I just need a giant hood. Yeah, like maybe that's it. Maybe I'll finally become one of those guys. Remember those umbrellas that never caught on that were like supposed to just be like sat on your head?

Those things were like – But those are hoods. I usually just wear a hooded jacket. Yeah, yeah. But I mean remember the ones that were boppable? That was like you were just walking in like a fucking submarine basically. Yeah, I did the like – almost like a girl trying to like protect her hair with a jacket kind of thing, but it was just me walking through the streets.

But what is the mental block? Why does my brain not go, get an umbrella? You got to leave them by your door. Yeah, I guess so. But even that, I've left them in my car before, and then you take them wherever you're going, and you don't bring it back when it stops raining. It's gone. It's like my very infrequent umbrella use is basically disposable umbrellas.

It's like one-time umbrellas. It's like buying the ones from the Korean guys on the street for five bucks. It falls apart in like 10 seconds, but at least you got to where you need to go. Also, like a two-hour commute today. You want to know what the problem was? A puddle. A fucking puddle. When I waited, like a two hour commute today. You want to know what the problem was?

A puddle. A fucking puddle. When I waited, I mean it was like stopped at this one spot for like an hour. And I was like, alright, you know, it's raining in the mustang, somebody's fucking dead. And I get there, and it's three lanes,

and people willingly, no cops, no barricades no nothing people willingly just using one lane and i was the moses of the commute i got to the front and i was like are you guys it was not i mean it was big it was it was like you know it was covering the two lanes. But if you have any sort of like, even like a RAV4 or whatever, you'd have to have like one of those Japanese trucks. Anything Uber would call an XL, which is basically everything. Any car invented ever. And I just, I purposely went to the flooded most lane to just cruise through.

And then I looked at my rear view and i watched just everybody join me you're welcome to anybody on the fucking henry hudson pass you know like 10 10 30 today i saved you an hour on your commute i've never seen anything like it it was the most like mob mob mentality thing i've ever seen well he's only going in one lane so i guess i'm gonna 5 000 people later we're all sitting here for a fucking hour. I'm a leader. I'm a leader of men, John. I'm a leader of men. God

fucking damn it. A puddle is scary, though. I did say to myself, well, I was like, here's the thing. If I get stuck in this puddle, and the police or a tow truck have to come, and you're just the guy sitting in a puddle and it's like, hey, asshole, you thought you could get through the puddle? There's no like, so what happened here?

It's like, oh, you thought you were a tough guy, huh? I mean if I was just sitting in a puddle. Oh, man. I would do anything before. I would get out and sit in that puddle and try to push that car before I fucking, you know. That would be the worst. Just a fucking nightmare out there. I'll just never understand it. I slept through everything. Me too. I don't know.

I've heard. By the time I walked to work, it was a fine morning. It was not. I guess I got the window where it wasn't bad. It wasn't – it was just like – It's very spotty. Like it would disappear then. But, yeah, I mean when I woke up to – my phone rang. It's 6 a.m., by the way, to say the kids are having too hard a day.

Let's get on the text board here. We don't need to fucking do the phone chain anymore. Missed the whole fucking thing. Slept like a baby last night. Yeah, right? I don't know what was going on. Dude, I did that. I flew home from Martha's Vineyard yesterday,

and I was at the Vineyard Airport, which is like, it's not an airport. It's just like where you wait to get picked up by a plane. Yeah. It's like, it's not an airport. It's a parking lot with a long strip, yeah. And it's got it inside, but there's no terminal. There's no, it's a parking lot. Yeah. Long strip. Yeah. And it's got an inside, but like, there's no,

there's no like terminal. There's no anything. And so I was just sitting there and the guy's like, he comes out and he's like, next flight's canceled. All flights tomorrow are canceled. And I was like,

next flight, like mine. And he's not, no, you guys are good. You guys are good. But after you, it was going to be like flying

an assault shaker. And I was with my buddy and we're like, we're still going to go, right? What would it have taken for you to like, it was going to be like flying an assault shaker. And I was with my buddy and we're like, we're still going to go, right? What would it have taken for you to like, free up, cancelled? Like, if they're flying, I'm buying.

If you were letting me on, I was going. I didn't care. It was, dude, I think my first time I was flying in a Cessna. Those are like, dope. That's like the equivalent of like a car where you got to make moves and shit. It's not just like.

Correct. It was just one pilot. Someone, just a passenger sitting co-pilot. Like a passenger who was in a terminal with a shotgun. And it was like when you're coming in, you can see the plane like this. Yeah, you got to fight the – She's freaking out. It was actually the most moment for me where I was like, boy, I am ready to die.

Was the pilot freaking out or was he like – No, he was cool. That's what I mean. Again, it's like driving a car. We always joke about how we let anybody drive fucking 85 miles an hour in a car. But everybody behind the wheel is like zipping in and out for the most part and it's fine that's a plane to those guys right to us it's like we're dying it's like no man i was like there's nothing i can do so like whatever's gonna happen here's gonna happen so

you were at peace i was complete was the rest of the plane freaking out at peace uh i couldn't see anyone she was quiet but she was very nervous she actually asked the girl sitting shotgun or yeah yeah because we they on those planes they strategically sit everybody right the way based on weight so she asked when we landed she's like how much do we have to wait and never sit here again and the guy goes forward a pound she goes done that's great dude speaking of more uh airport terminal shit, on our way back from Chicago, I, so, fly out to Chicago last week for the Survivor Reaction Show. Forget my suit on the plane.

At this point, I'm, again, I'm just a child. No umbrellas, can't seem to manage to travel with suits. I left my suit in Boston for Captain Khan's wedding. Left another suit on a fucking... I forgot about that. That's wedding. Left another suit. I forgot about that. That's crazy. That's crazy. I honestly think it's because I dress up so infrequently, and I have a suit so infrequently, it's like phone wallet keys.

I got my stuff like I'm gone. I don't think I have my bag, and that's it. I don't think about carrying my other outfit with me. So it's also their fault because I'm sitting up front, so they take my – they take it for me. Yeah. I'm hanging up. Then they got to remind me. Oh, definitely their fault.

You're so – come on. You know, you got to give me a ticket or something. You got to stop me on the way. So I know, though, that I'm flying back home the next day. So I'm like, you know, let me get this suit back. So – and, John, you had said to me, like, oh, you're never seeing that suit again. Yeah. And I was fully on board with it.

But then our flight got delayed an hour. So we had, like, three hours at the airport, two and a half hours, because I got through security pretty fast. And so I'm like, oh, let me – I'll go get my suit. And I go to the people at Delta. And this woman right away, just such a bitch to me. And I'm like, oh, let me – I'll go get my suit. And I go to the people at Delta. And this woman right away, just such a bitch to me. She just for no reason just right off – right out of the gate she wanted to be like combative. And I'm like, oh, OK.

We're doing this. And so – I had that where I asked if a flight was sold out. And she went, what do you mean sold out? And I was like, what do you think I mean by yeah let's play out this little this little when i said it was sold out to you what does that mean she's like we are understaffed they cannot bring you this suit it's in it's near the baggage claim so you're gonna have to to go all the way out and come back in. And I was like, that can't be true. Like, you can't – someone can't just run me like, you know, we'll meet right at the border and they can just hand it to me.

But she didn't ask them. She said, like, they're understaffed down there. And I was like, how do you even fucking – you know what I mean? So I tried to go to the Delta Club, which also I think Nate snuck into the Delta Club. Yeah, we got him in. Tommy got him in. Like legally or illegally? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because Nate was ready to fucking just run. He was just lingering. They're not that hard to get into. Well, so there was a commotion when I went in there. People buzzing and the fucking kiosks aren't working. And the woman was like, I've got to deal with this. And I was like, I don't give a... Anyway, I give them a little bit of attitude being like,

you're telling me like, I was like, we fly, my whole company flies, it's like all the time, can you not just have someone, I'll go right there, they just pass it to me, just so I don't have to go through security. Because at this point they said it was like a 35-minute wait, because as I was going through it started to fill up. Anyway, long story short, as I decide to do it, I'm like, fuck it. I'm going to go do it.

And they're like, you got to go down the stairs. There's a baggage claim. Come back in. And I go down the stairs, and I realize it's literally like I'm just crossing like one foot. And that's going to make me go do the whole fucking thing again. And I see this woman who was just sitting at like a help desk it wasn't an airline it wasn't she didn't have clear on she was just like there to help and i was like i explained the situation and i'm like it's right there and this is where my flight is like can you

just you know can you go get it or when i can can I just come back and you can just let me through? Because also there wasn't some big exit. It was like literally just like a whole, it was like a wall stop and a wall. And you could just kind of like a doorway that you could walk out of. And she was like, I just can't do that. And I was like, can you go get it? And she says to me, I cannot leave my post. I was like, okay.

I didn't realize we're on like the front lines here, but okay. You know, you guys are heroes all here at TSA, whatever. So I'm like, okay. I didn't realize we're on the front lines here, but okay. You guys are heroes here at TSA, whatever. So I'm like, fuck it, fine. I do it. I go get it. It's like a 35-minute wait. I had to snake three times. And as I'm getting to the front, I watch her escort someone else to the front of the fucking lot and it was the most like

larry david kirby enthusiasm moment of my whole life and oh also by the way when i picked up the uh the suit the understaffed baggage room there was four women just sitting there i walked into a room with four women in silence no one on the phones everyone just sitting there like how can we help you darling and i and i i think there's a chance the first woman faked a phone conversation because she was like yeah i know i told him you're understaffed and like i know i know he's not gonna be he's gonna have to do it himself i know and she was like they're understaffed i walk in there four women doing nothing i was like is this is this the same goddamn place they also were uh like it was a suit in a fucking bag.

And they were acting. They were like, we can't. I was like, can you just open it up? They said to me, we have an object here from your flight. And I was like, can you tell me what's in my suit? So I don't go down there? And they were like, well, we can't open the bag, sir. I was like, rip open the fucking bag and just tell me what.

Anyway, the woman was walking back. She was on her phone as she walked back. And that had to be a fake conversation. She had to have seen me. She had to have seen me walking up because magically on the way back, she's on the phone. And I was like, I'm going to say something. I'm going to fucking wave the suit in her face and be like what about leaving your post and she was just like on her phone and just kind of like breeze right through and i was like i know that fucking trick

but i didn't want to be an asshole and like cause a scene so i couldn't be like hey hey hey i know it's a fake phone conversation but that would be an insane thing to do and even if it was real i want to be like this is worthy of fucking uh interrupting whatever the fuck it is you're talking about you just blatantly lied right to my face i watched her do exactly what i asked her to do she didn't have a clear tag i don't know what the fuck i'm sure some other extenuating circumstances she just walked someone right to the front and did that thing. Go ahead. I was like, oh. I was in a bit of fucking rage at that point.

But I got my suit back. You did get it back. I did get my suit. To never wear again. No, I actually did have to wear it this weekend. I did some family shit. That's the reason why I did it. I was like, I know I need a suit this weekend.

My other shit is either not appropriate or dirty and all that shit. So I did go get it. Otherwise, no shot. No shot. To go out of security and back into security, insanity. If it hadn't been delayed, just no chance I would do it. That was one of the more – that was, oh, this is another thing I did. Because I was going to say, this was, I'm fully capable, you know, now I'm just like buying a new suit, didn't need to do that.

But I stuck it out because I was like, don't be the asshole who just lets a perfectly good suit that's like right over there, I can see it. But I had a moment this weekend. My, some of my family asked me, my sister asked me to return something for her at a TJ Maxx. And I don't know why, like, the bells didn't go off in my head, like, it's TJ Maxx. But she's had a baby, all this shit. I'm like, okay, fine. So I go out in the middle of the weekend, or on Friday actually, to TJ Maxx. And I am – I'm dressed like a total bum at this point.

I'm like Adam Sandler status right now these days. Like I don't – I'm just in sweatpants and like a hoodie. I'm in those Ugg slippers. I'm fucking – I'm like I'm just going to zip there, take care of this, and then I'm sitting on the couch the rest of the day. As I get to TJ Maxx, as I'm walking, I feel something, like, weird in my, in my slipper. So I, I, let me see if I can find the video quickly. I had a whole fucking like

hook inside my foot like where is it did I delete it it was like this giant piece of can you see that I had to pull this I don't know what that thing is

I'm lucky it didn't go right through my foot and give me god damn tetanus I am standing something like that but it was small but yeah something like that I am standing outside of a TJ Maxx dressed like a homeless person ripping a piece of metal out of my slippers.

I then go into TJ Maxx and wait on a line, like a long fucking line. And I get to the front. I'm returning a pillow. It was $24.99. And I texted. I was like, is this pillow $24.99. And I was, I texted, I was like, is this pillow $24.99? And I'm thinking in my head, it could have been

$2,000 $24.99, and I still wouldn't, shouldn't have been doing this. I was like, did you ever go to TJ Maxx for $24.99? And I'm just thinking about like, I'm dressed, again, homeless person, digging metal out of the bottom of my foot, holding a return at TJ Maxx that is under $30. And I have millions of dollars in the bank.

I got to be the worst goddamn millionaire to ever fucking exist. In what world should I be? I'll give you the $24.9999 i don't need to do we we can burn this pillow right in front of you it's okay i i mean i i gotta i gotta make some changes man i gotta make some changes i'm gonna start with an umbrella start with it it's a little thing it's like you know make your bed every day i'm gonna start to start with a fucking umbrella. I was genuinely disappointed in myself. What's it going to take, Kevin? What's it going to take?

What's it going to take? Okay. Start the show? KFC Radio is sponsored by BetterHelp. Whether or not your family gives you gifts during the holidays, you get to define how you give to yourself. And the holidays are a great time to do just that. So whether it's starting therapy, going easier on yourself during tough moments, or treating yourself to a day of complete rest, remember to give yourself some time, some love this holiday season. We've talked about it a lot but the best part about therapy

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Visit BetterHelp.com slash KFC today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash KFC. What do we got? What do we got? Where are you at? Well, Jackie, I don't know if we have time to get into Jackie. I mean, yeah. Oh, no.

Was your mic on for that? Yeah, it was. Oh, my God. Jacqueline, what is going on? Okay, first of all, I had, like, two. My bachelors birthday and my sister's birthday this weekend. And so it was like I had, like, also then there's the. I feel like there's a cartoon cigarette smoker talking right now.

Yeah. I just can't even be real. So unladylike. Like a cartoon gopher I'm picturing. Okay, shut up. I'm so unladylike, but it was my sister's birthday this weekend. No, you know what? I'm not going to tell her.

I'm never stopping. I don't care. I just love this sweet, sweet nicotine. No, I'm not going to tell any stupid stories. No, I won't tell any stupid stories. Oh my god, it's so accurate. Jackie is transitioning.

She's taking her hormones. So wait, this is just party voice right now? Or are you sick? No, this is like... Okay. No, this is a perfectly healthy voice. I don't know what you're talking about.

I muted your mic, bitch. I muted your mic, bitch. Okay. Oh, man. Okay, can I speak? No, don't. You do sound like Jersey Shore girls. That's the thing. What's funny is I know plenty of girls who just talk like this all the time.

That's probably why I thought gopher. I'm picturing Snooki. I kind of skipped the cute raspy. Let me just say this. Usually, love a raspy voice. Jackie has blown well past that. That's so mean. You are into ugly man voice for sure.

This is also the best it's been. I'm not kidding. I had... Okay, so... Again, Thursday night might have unnecessarily gone a little bit too hard. So then. That was the Christmas party? The Christmas party.

How was it? Fun. It was good. Apparently. Did you do, were you barking like a dragon and stuff? No. I don't know. Don't say that.

Like, that's not a thing. When you get drunk, then you do that noise. I know, I know. But I'm saying, like, I don't know why my voice went. Like, I don't think I was, like, doing, I don't know. I don't think I was doing anything that crazy. But then my issue was, like, then I still had Friday and Saturday. That's how the weekends were.

I know. Hot dogs. That's how days go, yeah. But, like, and it was best friend's birthday and sister's birthday. So it wasn't like I could, like, chill and not drink. Like, I had to had to like go hard. And I was literally like by day two, like my voice sounded like so much worse than this. So it was just like I wasn't able to chill.

That was where. You know what the problem is too? Once you get your voice once like that, when you're at a bar and you have to yell. Yeah. Dude, when you have no voice and you need to do the bar yell i get like physically tired my chest is sore i'm like all just from trying to like tell stories that like i don't even need to tell otherwise you just sit at the bar in silence the whole time it's just like i can't you really realize like the term like

waste of breath like sometimes i'll think of a story like just not worth it not worth the rest yeah okay but i also think it could have been so on thursday so i get pavs apparently i started talking in third person and pavs realized that's when i need to be sent home wait what jackie does a jackie oh yeah when she's yeah third person jackie's a surefire sign so what were you saying in the third person? Jack doesn't know. Were you the focal point of the office party? No. Right? Was there a focal point? No, there was not a focal point.

Was it that? No. No, I just, I have gone out with you enough where it's like, this could go south. Right. This is the first red flag. And I was just like, I don't want to be the one that's like let's get jackie home so i went up to some of the girls like let's what was she what was it is it just the jackie thing or was she doing no it's just a jack she had that she had she that was like you just saw that was that was jackie's phase one yeah and like you didn't want to get to phase five i didn't want to yeah anywhere phase five. I didn't want to get anywhere else. Then we're ripping it.

Usually, I mean, Drunk Jackie. I usually say like, you know, drunk podcasting is a thing that people think is good. Yeah. A Drunk Jackie podcast might be the first one. Drunk Jackie is a fucking Netflix special. She is like an hour of pure entertainment. Okay, so like,

but that, at that point, like that would have been fine. I felt like I was like, definitely really drunk, but like still fine. But then my issue was, I woke up like in my hallway. Like I didn't make it.

I had my keys and everything. And I just... Solo? Alone? Solo, alone. For some reason, I didn't make it in the door, right? And first just solo alone solo alone for some reason i didn't make it in the door right and first of all i don't have my phone i left in the uber and then also i so i had like um i like had this like meal this meal like thing that has dry ice like it's like a box of dry ice and there's a cushioning on like on the dry ice thing so i guess i use the cushioning as a pillow you slept on dry ice jackie jackie that could like

rip your skin off i know but like it was it was melted by that point but it still says it has like a big thing like do not breathe this in which is funny because it's like the only way for it to be toxic is if like pretty much you put your head in the box it was like the one thing i need to not do was like fall asleep with my head in this box the most avoidable thing of all time and somehow you ended up doing it you'd think you'd be like i got this like i'm gonna do that and i woke up and i just go and like again like i just see like the big like i'm not gonna say the name like the big writing of like in my with my head in this box i just go like i literally allow i go what the head in the box like sweet d waking up am i in in America? Exactly. And then I realized

that I had been breathing in like the fumes like the whole night. I love that you're like, I'm not going to say the name like as if it's their fault. Yeah. Like HelloFresh

is going to be like, sorry that Jackie got blacked out and put her head in a toxic box. It's just like so easy to not fall asleep with your head

in a box of blacked out. So I woke up like coughing and I was like, okay, that might be. So I think that I could have had to. That'll do it. I feel like a character from the birdcage is telling me this story. Do you smoke cigs when you go out?

No, no, not even. But then like, so then that morning I was so hungover and I got a joint. I lit it. I'm like head out the window. I felt so cool. I like never smoke weed, but like, I was just like, head out the window. I felt so cool.

I like never smoke weed, but like I was just like, I need something to like make me feel better. And then I just like, my head's out the window. I'm smoking this joint. My neighbor comes to the, like from across,

he like sees me and he just laughs. I give him an ad nod. He just, he knew what was going on. That sounds like a very cool moment. Robin Williams' makeup artist friend from Mrs. Doubtfire. That's a great reference. I don't get that reference.

I'm sure that she has a voice like this. It's a hymn. Anyways, so yeah, then it was just like I had to keep going. It's just like, again, I was saying like I just I left it all out on the field. Yeah, then it was just like I had to keep going. It's just like, again, I was saying like I just – I left it all out on the field. Yeah, for real. That's – I mean when – This reminds me of two Christmas parties ago. Two Christmas parties ago.

Where was it? The Jane? Yeah. I was with Zach and Zach came up to me. He's like, I think it's time to bring Jackie home. And I was like, she's fine. I was – Jackie was fine. And then I was like all right fine we'll go

to another bar i thought zach just wanted to get out of there and so like we go to the next bar we get one drink i come back to the table jackie's sleeping so then i'm like trying to wake her up like like like like this like on the table no like like like horizontal yeah and then like we're trying to like wake her up get her up she won won't wake up. So I carry her fireman style out of Stonewall. Get the fuck out. Over the shoulder? Over the shoulder. There was nothing else I could do.

Where the body's gone? Yeah, like an absolute limp body. I couldn't move. I remember the next day you guys were like, how was the holiday party? Can we just not tell the guys about this? Two years. That took two years.

John's family has the five-year rule. We have a two-year rule. Can't get in trouble for that. To not wake up. If you're doing that, your ass is in the air. Your body is shaking like that. If you are to wake up, you're just looking at the ground and someone's back.

Good Lord. I had passes on me because the next day I was like, wait, was I bad last night? He was like, no. up you're just looking at the ground and someone's mad good lord and like pass his homie because like the next day i was like wait was that bad last night he was like no he was tired my roommate told me that paths carried me like i do appreciate that sometimes you know like hey how bad was it you were good man you're fine yeah yeah just if i didn't do anything egregious yeah then i was fine or even even if there's like yeah if there's something that you need to rectify. You left your phone. You yelled at someone.

You hooked up with someone. You did something you shouldn't. You need to fix it. If it's just like, I don't know, you yelled at a bartender and you fell over or whatever, it's like, no, you were good, man. You might have a little bit of a scar on your leg or whatever, but you're good. What time did you wake up in the hallway? Five.

Do you think anyone walked by at that point? I think because they're all early risers. Wait, how many? It was a Friday, too. Because you went on Thursday. Yeah. Oh, so people were stepping over you with your head in a box. Jackie, you are, first of all, asking for rain.

No. How many apartments are on your floor? There are like 10. So there's a lot of opportunity. There's a lot of – yeah. There's a potential that like many people stepped over your body with your head in a box. What's in a box? What's in a box?

My landlord is like – I've just had so many instances where he's probably just like – The key. The key. Your body with your head in a box. What's in a box? What's in a box? I've just had so many instances where he's probably just like. The key. The door. The key. The letting the homeless man in. See all the packages. Stole the packages. I've left my laundry for weeks because I was on the train.

He hates me. Hates you, yeah. I could definitely see that. Do you think. I mean, I think I'm pretty much a hands-off kind of guy. If I walked out of my apartment at 5, 6 a.m. and saw a girl laying there with her head in a box, I think I'm waking her up or doing something. Oh, no. You?

Yeah. Yeah. Give her a couple shakes. Yeah. I don't think so. Come on. You can't do that, bro. Because if it's me, I don't want to be woken up.

I did. It's a little different with you and her. If I recognized you, if I was like your neighbor and I was like, that's my neighbor, maybe. Well, I mean, it's like probably the girl in front of the door. Probably. Solo Stove, have you heard? Recently, the West Coast legend himself, Mr. Snoop Diggity Dog, announced that he is done with smoke. It's over. He's eliminating it.

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Could someone get me one of these, the bucket hat and the solo stove and the fire pit, the Snoop fire pit designed by Snoop himself? Run, don't walk to solostove.com, pick up the limited edition fire pit, and join Snoop in going smokeless for good. So where, Jackie, does – where do we stand on your New Year's resolutions, I think, from almost like two years ago now? And do we have any new ones rolling in considering you just slept in a box does it does this does this does a night like this affect you at all or was that just like hey man

sorry for partying i mean i would like to like minimize the amount of like boxes and like public places i sleep in like that's that's a good one minimizing box sleeping i appreciate not like you don't want to go zero that's boring well but you know like it's also it's also realistic yeah yeah and like i like i fall asleep heavily in like bathroom bar like that's right our bathrooms that's right so again like i think the amount of public um you're gonna get robbed one day man i mean or worse yeah you have a pretty good track record all signs point i guess so i don't know it's the classic like one of these days you're gonna do it to the wrong guy it's like i don't know nobody's ever punched me in the face you've been sleeping in bars and floors and boxes for a long time now but it's not my first rodeo done like i i i don't know like the woman's bathroom thing it's like okay that's a woman's bathroom like i'm kind of safe there true so until now

i've kind of been like i'm good like again like in terms of raping and like robbing yeah maybe but like i feel like i've always been like, all right, at least I'm smart about it and I'm going in a woman's bathroom. Now wait, when you sleep in the girl's bathroom, do you eventually just like wake up yourself

or someone comes in and gets you? I have like a friend who will like because I always lock a door and so like normally they'll have to like shimmy something under and like poke me. That's so fucking funny.

Poking Jackie's ankles while she just snoozes there. It's funny. It's like when, like they'll see, like I'll be like Wicked Witch of the West when it's just like my feet

like sticking out of the sun. Wait, are you going to the bathroom or you just sit on the toilet? No, I'm like, I'm like using like the toilet as like a pillow. I guess I'm big on like pillows. That's crazy.

Did you say you're using the toilet as a pillow? No, I know it's gross. You're going herpes what does that mean wait what does that mean like where do you put your head literally i don't like i don't really remember when this happens like i'm not like clear about and every time it's different i switch it up really like sometimes it's not normally like the toilet like i'll just i guess i'm just using the wall as, like, whatever. Do you know when you're doing, like, you'll, like, do a shot, you're upstairs, you're dancing, you're partying,

and then you'll be like, I'm going to go take a nap. Is it like that or is it like you go to the bathroom and you're like, ah, I'm just, like, down for the camera? I would imagine it's a conscious thing because one time I set an alarm. Oh, my God. I don't ever's a conscious thing because one time I set an alarm. Oh my God. I don't ever think. Quick power nap? Hell yeah.

So good. I thought it was just like I like fell asleep. Like I like finally got to a quiet place and I fell asleep. But then when I set an alarm one time, I realized it was probably like drunk me being like, all right, I'm going to go for a nap. You got to get up. That's crazy. Yeah.

It would be cool if I didn't do that i think the 2024 might be my year that might be a good resolution i think that's a a decently attainable one i would hope telling you like cocaine is my answer yeah but i can't that checks all the boxes of like being more cool doing more drugs not sleeping at the bar. Yeah. But like I just A with a nose job. Like I don't know. I can't like do it.

I can't do it. You're not supposed to do it. I would do coke but I just got my nose job so I can't. I'm not supposed to do it. And like I don't know. I'm just – I'm such a bitch the next day. And I'm so depressed. It's just so not worth it.

But like – Yeah. I don't know. If I start sleeping outside my apartment like i might have you know yeah like like you know it's gonna be safe you know fentanyl is going around there's like terrible shit but the safer alternative is doing cocaine like you're like jackie's family's gonna have an intervention like jackie please start doing coke i can't have you sleeping in boxes in the hallway yeah yeah so do um i don't

know we'll gauge like where if this is like a new thing because i do you know i go through phases with my like sleeping thing so like maybe this is my new thing and then that means like i can't like i gotta switch it up i don't know what's another example of a sleep like another phase um what's another phase like other places you've slept or whatever the sleeping it's like i don't know like it'll be kind of like normally it's just like at the table at the bar like mid-conversation i guess like probably the christmas party type thing uh i don't know i like the third the third person is a big phase that I've been going through for a while now. What about the drinking games, King's Obsession? Oh, I fucking love King's Obsession. Jackie gets obsessed with playing King's and will be like,

yo, we're going to play King's. Everybody want to play? And then people are like, yeah, I mean, I haven't played in like 15 years, but okay. And then she's like, okay, we're playing King's. She rounds everybody up and she's like okay who has cards and nobody ever has a deck of cards

because they're not the ones who came up with the idea to play Kings maybe that should be it maybe you should keep that thing on you keep that deck on you

keep that deck on me yeah at all times just have the cards ready to go I'm trying to think of what else I went through a big phase

where I called myself mama I just kept going mother again third person like mother says have the cards ready to go? I'm trying to think of what else. I went through a big phase where I called myself Mama. I just kept going. Mother. Again, third person, like Mother says. No, Mama. I'd be like, oh, Mama wants to dance. I'd do that.

Would you say that to your friends or strangers? To anybody around. Like you'd go up to a guy and be like, Mama wants to dance. My friends would be like, it's kind of creepy. It's creepy to people who don't get the inside joke i don't know what i would do if a chick came up on me it was like yo mama wants a drink mom wants to dance i'd be like okay mama gets what she wants i'd be like i don't get what we're doing what kind of drink i would assume if someone if someone's like mama wants like that's that's what. Yeah. I'd be like, okay.

Okay, mama. Let's go, ma. But mama doesn't want like that. Do you have any other resolutions? Not that I – no. I mean I just like – I didn't even – no. I don't. I haven't thought about resolutions yet.

I'm just trying to get through the rest of this year. I think I had one this weekend. What is it? I was on the Vineyard with my friends. And first of all, more black tie events. Okay. You were in the tux? It was so much fun.

It was like we just went to a regular bar. Not even a nice restaurant. We just went to a bar and had dinner. And we were all in black tie up there. And everyone was what's the deal we got married like nobody's like that's awesome was there was there even like a birthday or anything it was just nothing it's all brock tuxes and vortexes and gowns and stuff like that but the other bigger resolution i had was i took a picture we like walked out to the edgartown lighthouse and me and all my friends and some of them have kids and i was just taking a picture of the lighthouse and a little and one of my friend's kids ran into the picture as i was

taking it so like it's just like this little kid playing and he's like three or four and i was like i think i want to have a kid and i think i think i'm doing it strictly for one joke if i just in like four years posted a kid and i was like and I was like, did I not mention that? Yeah, I have a kid. What if I just put up a story one day with just a kid in it, and you're like, is that John's kid? I'm like, yeah, I didn't mention it. That'd be funny as hell. And then after that, I'll put him up for adoption or whatever.

But just having a kid and not mentioning it it and then one day being like, yeah, no, I definitely mentioned this to you. I had to have told you that story. I told that story, right? I had a kid four years ago. I told you. Yeah. How I've been raising a kid for four years? Dude, think about it.

We used to be like, you wouldn't know, I don't know, right? You have like a favorite actor or something. You'd be like, are they married? Do they have kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't know. Now I feel like everybody knows fucking everything about everybody, right? If I just have a secret kid, that would be funny. Dude, you can't have a kid.

But it would be funny Wait I gotta show you the picture So you can really get the The full vibe of it Where's my phone at Here it is What if someone said to you Hey

Turns out I'm pregnant I'm gonna raise the kid But like You don't have to be a part of it Can you send me a picture In four years Can you imagine I just post that picture

Oh my god Yeah I mean this is like You don't have to be a part of it. Can you send me a picture in four years? Imagine I post that picture. Oh, my God. Yeah, I mean, this is like a perfect parent picture. We're not going to post it because it's not my kid. We can blur the face out. Put a little emoji over this. Am I just posting some really wholesome pictures? Just me and Junior. Just me and Junior. Just me and Junior here.

Oh, I definitely said this. That'd be funny as hell, man. Have I talked about the dude? I don't think I've talked about it on the podcast. The dude I know who has a kid who calls him Junior, but his name is not. They don't share the same name. He just named him Junior?

No. He has his own name. They both have their own names, and he just calls him Junior. That is kind of sick. It's crazy. He's always just like, you know, me and Junior this, me and Junior that. And I'm like, so you named him after yourself? It's like, nope, nope.

He's not a kid. named him after yourself it's like nope nope no kid so theoretically it could just be we could be on a collision course for absolute chaos what if that kid one day has a kid and he names him after himself and so there actually is a junior and then you're calling your kid junior who doesn't share the name so you'd have a a junior a fake junior and a real junior i did i'm i cannot call you kid junior if you don't i vote for anything that promotes chaos yeah i'm a i'm a a chaos uh mongrel junior i can't i'll never get over that oh Oh, he has the same name as you? No. No. All right.

Okay. I guess I'll go fuck myself. I guess I'm the asshole. You're right. I'm the weird one. Yeah, you're right. It's me. It's me. So stupid for assuming that.

All right. Voicemails. What do we got? Wait. Real quick before voicemails. I had something that I made a purchase this weekend. What? And I think they might be too cool. I had something that I made a purchase this weekend. Boy.

And I think they might be too cool. They? What, shoes? Sunglasses. I bought a new pair of sunglasses this weekend, and I'm going to get the group's response. I think I bought a pair of sunglasses that are too cool. Too cool meaning, like, you can't wear them.

I just think if I wear them, they're going to be like, who is this movie star? That's a good thing. Jackie's already scoffing over there. We're going to close our eyes so John can put them on and then tell us the reveal. All right, they're on. I think those are – I don't think those are that crazy though.

No? I think you're good. They look – I mean – They scream cocaine. Yeah. Oh. Oh. That's why I bought them, Mike.

Yeah, but like I think they're – I think they're a little bit effeminate with the color. I bought them i was like i need a pair of not everyday sunglasses i need a pair where it's like today's a special day sunglass i think those are fire i think i oh i think that's what i mean yeah but i mean like they're awesome not like i don't know twice right for it i'm just gonna be cocaine fucking they're like they're like uh're like old Hollywood. Yeah. Cocaine.

You're like an 80s fucking sports car. Yeah. Got your driving shoes on. You got a fucking Miami Vice type shit. I meant it positively. They're the awesomest sunglasses ever. I thought I was going to open my eyes and be like, get the fuck out of here. No, no, no.

Those are cool. They're fucking sick. Those you can – and like you're not – I don't think you're an asshole for wearing those. But wait. Now let me see them. It's like if you were to wear it with a sweatshirt though, it would look a lot different. Well, yeah. That's why I wouldn't wear them with a sweatshirt.

Put it up with a turtleneck. See, now I'm an asshole though. You know what I mean? It only works with certain people. I don't think – I'm sure I look like an asshole right now. No. Yeah.

I don't think so. Yeah. All your glasses are like borderline women's glasses. Yeah. Well, yeah. There we go. Yeah.

The coloring is for sure like 80s, 90s mom glasses. I think my mom like for sure had that that tortoise whatever color. But yeah. Are these, like, designed? Yeah, Tom Ford?

Yeah. Yeah. Those are gas. They're gas. We were, like, looking through some of the shoes. I was like, I need a pair of just, like, cool sunglasses. Like, everything I have is, like, pretty standard, like, sunglasses. I was like, I need a pair of fucking sunglasses.

I got you. And she's, like, bringing out a couple, like, mirrored pairs. And I saw theselass. I was like, I need a pair of fucking sunglasses. I got you. And she's like bringing out a couple of mirrored pairs. And I saw these and I was like, what are those? I had a buddy who had a pair that was that, but like almost a green tint. Green would be sick too. I borrowed them. I lost them in the ocean. And they were like a very specific pair that he couldn't just like run back and get.

Ruin that. No, those are cool. You're in. Yep, wear those. Leave them on for the rest of the episode. Leave them in for voicemails. Oh, I guess you can twist my arm. Voicemails are brought to you by of course, Pirate Water. Attention all partiers, ragers.

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Make sure you follow and tag at Pirate Water in your post for a chance to be reposted. What's up, KFC, rest of the gang? Not doing the whole intro because y'all hate that shit. My name's Fitz. Y'all have done some of my voicemails in the past. I was listening to the podcast episode where John was talking about his boarding school stories, and it kind of struck up a memory from an old camp I went to. Um, there's a group called young life, which is like a Christian

organization. Hit on it if you want. But, um, we used to go to these camps once a summer, uh, getting on the bus, we would destroy the bus driver's life. Like I remember one time, one of my buddies, like five minutes minutes into the drive stands up and goes, get a real job, you fucker. Like just demoralizing these people. Obviously, we are pieces of shit. But the story is we went to camp one summer. They ended up having about 400 kids come from Spain. So on the last night, there was probably one leader for every 10 kids.

On the last night, everybody's jumping around. They're doing like a techno night or whatever. We all get back to the cabin and me and one of my friends decided to knock on everybody's door. And we get about 500 people all on the bottom floor of a cabin that probably fits 40 people max. The leaders in the hallway, like trying to calm everybody down i somehow get in front of the entire group raise my arms and go everybody gets dead quiet so there's a group of spanish guys a bunch of us i just yell interracial gay orgy and everybody loses their fucking mind um About 500 kids just ripping their shirts off. Obviously, we're not doing it,

but all the Christian leaders were just like, fuck, what do we do? We don't have control of 500 kids. Fuck. So my story for fights and KFC is, what's a good camp story you'll have where you and the boys are just dicking around and it's a memory

that sticks with you for your entire life. Where you're like, fuck, that is just great. But yeah, I appreciate what y'all do, guys. Interracial gay orgy. I mean, that's the sort of stuff. And then everyone knew what to do. Yeah, right. We should probably take our shirts off.

How old did he say they were? I'm sure. It doesn't. he say they were? I'm sure. It doesn't. I thought they were. Puberty age type shit. I had – speaking of the bus driver, I had a woman named Colleen who was like – she had this curly like fro, wore fingerless gloves. And I'm sure was just the gayest woman in the world. And she drove bus 142.

And we just tortured that woman. But she kind of just tortured us right back. And it was like a war every day that was like respect. You know what I mean? We would sit in the back. Did you guys ever like bounce with the – we had speed bumps along the route. And every time the bus would hit it, if you jumped at the right time, you would fly. Did you do that?

Yeah. Because we did that, and she hit it. And then every now and then, like, she would tell us to stop, and we wouldn't stop, so then she would, like, hit the speed bumps with a little extra juice. We'd, like, go flying and be like, okay, we'll stop, we'll stop. We'd just build up to that point, and then we would bring it back down. I never took a bus to school, so I have said field trips we do that,

but I was never on a bus route. The bus every day is something. It's kind of funny. You just send your kid out and they go stand on the corner. They hop on. We used to have a hierarchy of who sits with who and where and all that shit. The windows, trying to get those windows down with the pitch. It was so fucking hard.

Some of them were broken. That was, I think. Bomb on bus? Did you do bomb on bus? No. I have a friend who claims he invented bomb on bus. He said he's the first person to ever do it. He would just write on a piece of paper bomb on bus and hold it up to the window for cars

driving by. I'd imagine that was speed inspired. I mean, he was like, I did it before speed. Oh, he invented it before speed. Yeah, that's what he said. He didn't do it before speed. Fucking Hollywood stealing from a little guy again. Yeah Yeah that's what he said Oh You didn't do it before speed Fucking Hollywood Stealing from a little guy

Yeah That's what he said That's his claim Which I kind of like You know you can't prove Or disprove these things Like I had it first That was the

The scene of my first fight I was on a On a school bus Fighting on the bus Yeah That's tough That's You know

Oh right That guy I told you Gave you for licking and sick Yeah Fight me It wasn't even like Like NSYNC It was

He's like Bye bye bye is a bad song Like you're a liar And Thought about it Throwing hands Yeah Oh yeah

Over the seats Wow That's the gayest shit I've ever heard Yeah getting your ass Kicked by a guy Who fucking Defending bye bye bye

Yeah What happened I insulted a boy band Did you beat the shit out of him got my show run yeah huh he got no he got his show run i was fighting with the for the for the honor of jt which these boy jt's get killed these days they'll be liking that guy what did he do this it's just nothing recent but the way that that britney just fucking yeah but that's the need of that genuine was like that didn't happen.

Yeah. But I think Justin Timberlake gets hated for no reason. I love Justin Timberlake. So do I. But I think he hasn't been hated much. No, I think people try, and then it's just like, that's not a thing. Even Genuine was like, I would have remembered if he talked to me like that. Because I would have said, that's weird, dude.

I think it was Genuine. Whatever rapper it was yeah yeah yeah encountered that's i didn't know that he came out and uh and like debunked it yeah because they're not even like a haha no i don't remember that i would have remembered if he talked to me like that i would have said that was weird hell yeah i like that fucking you know defend that dude because that shit sucks when you're like like when you just catch a stray because someone wrote a book yeah fuck man i'm just here living my life like he's not really in the public eye that much anymore and he's just like kind of doing his thing and it's like fuck yeah now i gotta answer questions about abortion and like you know talking like i'm black fuck this uh uh camp stories i didn't i don't have a camp I mean your whole

like school was a camp basically kind of I did all my camp stories were the girls like flirting with girls and like that kind of shit it was like

not talk to the guys oh you know that's reminding me of that that statement is uh I sent a tweet last night of this guy

on reddit who um you know what I love about these sunglasses too is my face they're like I guess the clarity of them these sunglasses too is my face there. I guess the clarity of them means they can recognize my face. When I'm wearing my other sunglasses,

I have to lift them up and stuff like that. My phone just recognizes me with this. I sent a tweet last night of a Reddit post. It was... Okay. It was... From hashtag no stupid questions. r slash no stupid questions. My 20-year-old son doesn't date.

His friends don't date. My friend's kids don't date. What is going on? He says, when I was in my late teens and early 20s, life for my friends and me revolved around meeting girls. My son and his friends, who are athletic and outgoing, don't seem to put a lot of emphasis on dating. They play a lot of online video games and have boys' outings. Once in a while, they'll hook up with a random girl they met on an app. Rarely does one have a girlfriend.

This seems to be the norm for my friend's kids, too. What is going on? And I screenshot that. I was like, what is going on? My son's too sick? Yeah, it's awesome. Like, that's – That's so awesome.

My athletic and charismatic son won't stop hanging with the fellas and playing video games and occasionally fucking random chicks. Like, that dude sounds sweet, dude. Sick brag. Bro, that is the way to be. There's nothing worse than being the guys consumed with chicks. The guys going out being like, who's getting laid tonight? You walk in, you spread out and go talk to strangers. And then you might fuck or you might not, but you didn't have a night with the boys because you were busy talking to a bunch of people you don't

know i i never had that until college my two roommates in college were like that but aside from that all of my friends always been like fuck this yeah let's just let's just now i think that there's a very happy medium where it's like you're with the boys talking to the girls and you're just kind of like almost running circles around them having fun with the boys wow and then that makes you look endearing because like oh they look like they're having fun yeah join that yeah yeah and then and every time i ever had you but it's almost like you might get laid but you'll definitely have fun with the boys yeah yeah versus like i'll probably strike out and go down swinging looking like an idiot on fucking chasing sliders in the dirt. Yeah, yeah.

And you help your buddies. You know what I mean? It's like a team effort then. It's like you can just fucking clown around. Or then when it's not working, you just make fun of them and like just on to the next. So there's a way to kind of do both. But I definitely think it – I think he's probably right that it has changed. I mean.

Yeah, for sure. But I don't get that with old people who are like, kids are different these days. I don't fucking shit. Yeah, but I think something like trying to fuck girls has probably been pretty universal for a long time. My group, it wasn't. I would imagine I'm in this dad's generation's generation actually he probably is a little older than me if this kid's 20 but like again my it's my group i'm not saying for like my generation but my group we like every time any of us ever had sex it was an accident yeah well we used to like we always

joked about how little we had sex but because i knew guys who did i knew guys who fucked like a lot of girls and then we just didn't so i was always like we're the gayest crew in america but we also had like the most fun yeah i mean so i was always kind of okay with it especially if you like you have a girlfriend it's even better it's like oh my guys don't even care about this you know what i mean like we're just hanging out and they don't even they they don't go off to another chick. We just party here. But I would imagine there's still – I'd imagine there was more people. I think it's just because there's like I don't need to worry about this. I just go on a nap, find a girl.

Like we're at least going to go on a date. We probably fool around. Check. When it was like the only chance you might get laid, it's like supply and demand. If we go out tonight, you have to try to meet a girl. Otherwise, I don't know. You're not ever going to have sex.

Even that was so long ago. I think the... I just don't get that where it's like my kid's different. Yeah, no fucking shit. Your kid's different. I don't think it was that long ago though. I don't think before – I mean before apps, you couldn't like – you couldn't easily get access to chicks and dates. I think you could.

How? I think you go to a bar. That's what I mean though. But like you didn't have to – you weren't like – I don't think you ever had to be like I'm trying to get laid tonight no no that i think some weird dudes were but also like most places just go out and exist and like you go out and you you have to like put in some effort like all right i'm gonna go try to go talk to that girl because i want to have some sex at some point you know whereas this is like it's monday night i'm sitting on my couch and I'm doing all that work. You know what I mean? Because you can just be on your phone. Yeah, I get it.

There's never any – you don't have to put any effort in when you're out because you already did everything. So while you're out, you can just have fun. Right. Whereas at some point if you – prior to just like even the apps really or social media, it was like now is the chance because otherwise you're just going to be at home or whatever. You know what I mean? Kind of, yeah. There's no, I mean, if you're not going out, if you're not talking to girls when you're out, when would you ever see girls?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. I feel like growing up, all our dads, they were like annoying about it. Where it's like, if they ever saw us just hanging like five days. They'd say, where are the girls? Why are you guys being losers why don't you like I don't know

I feel like that was a dad thing at least for kids my age dads every single time which is also gay go get some pussy

where are the girls will you carry on hanging out with a weirdo all of my friends now we've all shut up let me tell you about me

about my friends we couldn't find them boys we fucked them We've all... Shut up. Let me tell you about me and my friends. We couldn't find the boys. We fucked them. For some reason, whenever I talk to guys, they say, Mama wants a drink. Mama wants a six. Mama wants a fuck.

I don't even... No, continue. Continue. We won't make fun of you Well I was gonna say Well now it's kinda Harder to convince But like Whenever we go out

We're like There's Where are the guys In New York City There's nobody Like Not once Have I ever really like

I mean There's a few times I'll go out of the bar But they're like nowhere It's pretty much only apps First of all Riot won't let me on They've denied me

Yeah I can't imagine why How you deny Bobo like nowhere. It's pretty much only apps. First of all, Raya won't let me on. They've denied me. I can't imagine why. How you deny Bobo? Hi, my name's Mom. I sleep in boxes in bathrooms. Can I get on the exclusive video? Hi, this is the one that's really fancy, right? I sleep on the toilet.

I use toilets as pillows. Can I get in? About me. You ever walked into a bathroom and seen a pair of feet hanging from under a stall? Mama. You ever set timers? You ever set timers to wake up in the bathroom? Mama does.

That is true. Sometimes I'm like, why don't i meet guys so but like you know i i think that's kind of an interesting thing where like i i would imagine the like proliferation of of girls being like fuck guys guys are trash like that that was it's not really so much, but there was probably a three-year window. That was a big thing on the internet. I would imagine that was guys being like, okay, I'm not going to bother girls. Dude, if I was living through that, I would have been like, all right. It's how I've always lived my life is that I'm not going to bother chicks. There was for sure an era, though, where I used to let it fly on DMs and texting and shit, where I was like, I'm not doing that anymore.

You know, just like, just jokes. I got your number. Now we're bantering. You push the envelope a little bit. You talk about this. Talk about that. You make some jokes. I was like, this is not worth it anymore. You know, like, and that was very, you know, if I like grew up in that or that was like a real,

I could definitely see it being like, let's just avoid that whole fucking thing thing you know hello fresh say hello to stress less holiday season with the help of a hello fresh skip the grocery store and save time with easy tasty recipes delivered to your door last week i took off from hello fresh because i was on the road and i cannot wait until i get home today, and my order is there. It is a season for giving and gathering, and with HelloFresh, it can also be the season of saving. Actually save money this month with fresh recipes delivered cheaper than takeout. And with the pre-portioned ingredients, you'll never waste money on excess food.

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No, no, no. Okay. No. I'm trying to go high, but I can't. There's just no cute guys in New York. Oh, so you're not even seeing guys you wish would talk to you? No, that we wish would. Where are they?

Where are they? They have to be at some cool underground parties because they're not at the bars like they're nowhere they're well video games with the fellas yeah i was gonna say they're having fun with the boys yeah maybe you're at the gulag or whatever i mean i i i really would imagine with apps guys are like i get that done like via the app you know what i mean like i'm gonna go out i'll schedule like a date with this girl i'll go out with her hopefully like hook up with her and then have fun with my friends yeah because you don't need to overlap the two then you know what i mean it's like i'll try to have some sex tonight tomorrow night we'll play video games

you know right right and that that because you have the app that allows you whereas it used to be like i'm out with the boys uh but like that pretty girl over there mama looks like that girl the girl keeps calling us i'm gonna go like talk to her because i'll never see her again or at least like get her number you know what i mean because it's like it's this is the only opportunity to do it. Whereas like I'd rather be playing video games with the guys and I'm flirting with them while we're doing that. Like you can almost do both at once now. Or were you guys just not even caring about it? No, it was like we would go – we never like hung out with girls just to invite them over.

We would just go out and meet them. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, that I think is crazy. Why are the girls not here with you right now? Yeah. their confusion why are the girls not with you guys but like when you were growing up would you ever be like would you ever be worried or like um i'm on like i'm in a i'm in a drought i'm in a cold spell i have sophomore year summer yeah okay but you did care because like i was wondering if guys even feel that way anymore because of like what we're talking

about where it's like they just don't seem to care I didn't care I would definitely be like damn it's been a while since I've got something it's like not even that I like it's not even about like having the sex anymore it's just more about like it's a game and I'm not good at it you know I think we always had girls in our crew yeah so to have sex with no no like not really like I guess kind of like I we had a friend visit once when i had a friend who went to college and she came back with one of her friends for like spring break or whatever and then we all hung out and she was like oh this is just dawson's creek we're like yeah everyone kind of hooked up with everyone and like it was just – to me even now, it's completely – that's not normal.

But like this girl in particular was like – this is like Dawson's Creek where like you guys have all just hooked up with each other. Yeah, I think that's a little – that's probably a little rare to have it like be in the same friend group as opposed to like we're in the same grade or the same school or whatever. But all in one group is probably a little bit unique, yeah. Really? Yeah. same grade or the same school or whatever but all in one group is probably a little bit unique yeah really yeah that's i get like it's a different group but like when we when we were in elementary school i can think of two chicks who were just like in the crew and they would kind of they mostly dated two of us but they were like no they might have dated someone else again we're in elementary school dating and then those girls were same middle school girls like in our crew and then high school we had girls in our crew I didn't have girls in my crew in college.

And then I've usually had girls in my crew since college too. Yeah. So no one's ever like, where are the girls? But it's just like – I think it also used to be like – I actually saw a chart about this the other day that was like online dating is skyrocketing and like dating from mutual like friends is like rock – bottoming out, like dropping to zero. Like there's no like I'm dating this guy. Like you should check out his roommate.

He's super hot. Yeah, yeah. Like nobody is doing that. Nobody is setting each other up. Nobody – none of that. I say girl – I never set anybody up as a guy ever. But I would imagine girls were doing that because it was like – I think the girl's point was like there's no Dawson's Creek kind of effect where it's like we are dating two guys in the same friend group. So we all hang out all the time.

It's like I do my dating over here and I do my friends over here because my friends maybe have never even met the guy that i'm talking to because it was not i didn't meet him through a co-worker i didn't meet him through a friend there's no matchmaking going on none of that shit so it's all very like separate worlds uh but i don't know it's just an interesting thing because i and i think there's a reason why one's going up one's going down because like i you know it used to be like i i don't know there are no cute guys around but if so jack when jackie's friend says why one's going up and one's going down. It used to be like, I don't know, there are no cute guys around. But when Jackie's friend says to her, I got a guy who's perfect for mama, she'd be like, okay, let me go out.

Let me try it out. Can we go to a place where there's meat? And you would go on a date with him. And then maybe if it works out, now you two can double date together and all hang out. But now instead mama's just on the apps. There like nothing worse than like a mutual friend because it's like then like if i were to introduce my friend to a guy then it's like okay now i have her constantly asking me like yeah i would hate that like it's it's the worst yeah i think people used

to like that though it was like let's date two roommates. Let's date two brothers, two friends. Now when you break up, it's a mess. Like the whole thing sucks. Yeah. I would like – I was like in love with this guy who my friend had introduced me to. And then like every time I would talk to her, I would just be like, well, okay. She's not saying that he said anything about me.

It would drive me like fucking crazy. It made me like actually crazy because I was like she's not saying anything. So like does that mean that he's not saying that he said anything about me it would drive me like fucking crazy made me like actually crazy because i was like she's not saying anything so like does that mean that he's not saying anything right right right it's just like the worst thing ever i mean i guess if you get through that awkward period and it's just like you and your best friend the love of your life's happen to be like best friends it'd be very convenient yeah but that's probably not gonna happen i would i would hate that because like no that i i literally would not be able to do that knowing like like my the girl i'm seeing is friends with like my best friends whatever it's like like knowing they're talking without you like that's hard to do like the costanza buffer thing just friends

let alone it would it actually the holdovers the there's a line in the holdovers that i love and it's not like a big line but it's just like when they're it's after they see the guy from harvard and he's like are you embarrassed like and he's like no i'm not embarrassed of my story but i'm i'm what you have to like it's my i get to tell yeah and i was like yes that like i i have i'm not embarrassed like anything have to it's my I get to tell it and I was like yes I'm not embarrassed about anything

but like it's almost like you're going to tell it wrong you're going to tell it wrong yes yeah whenever you tell that person they're going to be

that's lame it's not I'm not even worried about you lying I'm worried about you telling the story poorly right that's not how it went down

this is what happened yep it's like telling mama's story gotta hear it straight from the horse's mouth alright you guys gotta step it up we only have one good voice No, no. That's not how it went down. This is what happened. Yep, yep. It's like telling mama's story. Got to hear it straight from the horse's mouth. All right, you guys got to step it up. We only have one good voicemail that we hadn't done. So please hit the submission line.

If you've got voicemails, you can do them in the car if you want. If you don't want to be on video, you don't have to. You can just put your camera to the side or, you know, just as long as we get the voicemail in. So hit us with your questions, your stories, anything you got. It's the link, I think, to Twitter? The link, yeah, it's in the bio. Link in bio for Instagram, link in bio for Twitter. Very easy to submit.

You don't have to do anything. It's not a heavy lift. So make sure you get us, hit us up, and we'll keep the show rolling. All right, let's get into our interview with our boy Mike Feeney, very funny New York City comedian. He's got a new special out, and he came to chop it up with the fellas. We'll see you guys on Thursday. Lucy.

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Dude, they are. How far did you go? Having a dog makes walking the dog. I kind of like that it forces me to walk otherwise i wouldn't do shit it's fun uh let's see today i'm at 10 000 steps all right yeah god damn that's a long walk that's a long walk i went for a walk with mark he's like go for a walk and i was like what time in the morning you were for uh i'm in battery park at 10 so wow did you see that walk with mark wait hang on hang on are. Are we running past?

It sounds like a delight. Don't get me wrong. That's something I'm almost jealous. Part of me wants to be a part of the Mark Roberge, Feidelberg, Walker. This is Mark. He's the lead singer of A Revolution. Okay.

So it's not like you're just going for a walk with some jamoke. You're going for a walk with a guy who's got stories and he's a great dude. But you went for a walk with Mark?oke you're going for a walk with a guy who's got stories and he's a great dude but you went for a walk with mark like what does that mean so like like it was cold this morning yeah it was a great day to go for a walk it was the clear but it was cold it was it's one of the first like 30 degree days and so who who initiates mark uh he likes to have um like his meetings taking walks. Oh, okay. So you guys were going to talk about something? It's not really a meeting. It was a meeting of minds.

But it was just like, let's just chat. That I can kind of understand. I want to talk to you. We could do it on the phone. We could do it over coffee. How about we just walk? It would be a little bit funnier if it was just like, hey bro, I'm going to... Was it like, hey, I'm going to go for a walk. You want to come?

Yeah, it's a walk that's been in the works for a little while. I don't know. What's crazier? I don't know what's crazier if it's in the moment, your boy being like, let's go for a walk because that's gay. Or is it crazier to have it like on the schedule, like circle it on the day? I think the crazier thing is the fact that he said it was a meeting of the minds and you ignored it and went right past it. Address how fucking crazy that is to say earnestly. They talked, you know, you guys have had some talk about doing music content before.

Like that, that's not that. Yes, that sounds crazy, but it would be like, you know, me and him talking about business or something like that. Yeah, no, just, I want to make it clear. It's just the phrase, a meeting of the minds. It was a meeting of the minds, baby. I've never heard someone earnestly say that, especially in that sweater, dude. It sells it.

And then you walked for about an hour and a half. Good walk. I was out of gas. I was very winded during that walk. There were a couple of times where I was like, should I hang out for a second? Even time I shoot for five or six minutes. You'd be out of the water. I'd be like, let's just check out

the Statue of Liberty, you think? Yeah, you're walking down by the water It's just not only is it cold It's got the wind Crazy town man I do find it funny That like pretty much All you need to do Not all but

To just be like relatively functioning It's like drink water Walk And probably stretch like a little yeah i'm so bad at stretching i don't i mean the bar is like on the fucking floor you know like just drink the water walk around a little bit and like touch your toes every now and then and i think you'll probably be in better shape than like 90 of the population at least in america i feel like you can touch it toes. Oh, heavens no.

I, bro, I am bizarrely flexible. This guy is a stone statue. This guy can't touch his knees. I've never even come close to touching my toes. This is terrible. I want to see who's worse between you and him.

I think, oh, you dropped it. I'm sorry. Look at this. Oh, that's... Wait, no, you're bending knees. All right, straight leg, that's it, dude. That's as far... That's twice as much as him. Whoever's going to touch his knees, that's about Wait, no, you're bending knees. All right, straight leg, that's it, dude. That's as far...

That's twice as much as him. If I were to touch his knees, that's about it. Yeah, dude, like... Like, if I'm like... Does that really hurt? It doesn't hurt, but I feel it. I'm like, bam. Damn it, dude.

It feels like the back of my knees are going to explode. Like, when I... My grandfather was... Get there! Get there! Dude, my grandfather was so... That's actually better than in years. Maybe it's because

of your walk. My grandfather was so inflexible when he was going to boot camp for World War II. They were like, touch your toes. And he was the same

thing as me. He couldn't even come close. And the drill sergeant was like, touch your fucking toes. And he's like, this is his back.

So he was bent over like I just was. The drill sergeant jumped on his back to try to get him because he wasn't listening. And then, of course, just fucking face planted into the was. The drill sergeant jumped on his back to try to get him to, like, because he wasn't listening. And then, of course, just fucking face planted the thing. The drill sergeant's like, all right, back and lock.

He's like, all right, my bad. Sorry about that, dude. I fucked up. I'm surprised he didn't blow his fucking hamstrings out. Yeah, yeah, I know, yeah. Dude, that is, again, it's like all bare bones. Maybe it's like a getting older thing to do, but I feel like stretching is such a requirement.

I've started trying to do jiu-jitsu, and it's like I show up there 30 minutes ahead of time to start warming up. It's like me and all the old heads, and then 22-year-olds show up as the class is starting. They're changing as they're walking onto the mat, and then just full roll without any, without tearing anything. It's like, it's crazy.

That's a crazy thing to take off at this age. Yeah. I don't know what I was thinking. It's something new with the comedy world. All you comedians got to fight jujitsu or MMA or something. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. Jujitsu I liked because it's like, they also offer Muay Thai there.

And I'm like, I kind of dabble with that, but it's like, for me, I don there and I'm like I kind of dabble with that but it's like for me I don't want to be like getting kicked and hit in the head and like Jiu Jitsu is the only thing where you can fight at like a hundred percent force without like going getting brain damage you know what I mean like you're not like kneeing people in the head it's just like kind of like

submission-y things and it's also a great workout I fucking hate working out so it's a good excuse to sweat my ass off and fight and learn some shit at the same time. How long have you been doing that? It's only since April. Yeah, and I've been hurt the entire time.

I was going to say, my rule for people, I'm like, when you're 30, you should hang them up, because you're going to blow out a knee playing Zog Sports Soccer. You're going to need major surgery and miss time with work and family and shit, all for some like intramurals team. And that's when you're talking about like, you know, softball. You're doing fucking.

Yeah, I also like wreck. And I'm also not only am I highly injury prone, but the last time I was playing sports, I did, I was in like a beer league softball team. We were in the last out of the playoffs. Pop-up hit to me on third base. I go to go under it, and there was just a divot in the infield, and I just cranked my ankle and just

blew it to pieces. No surgery, thank God, but it was just months on crutches. Crutches in this city, if I ever have to get on crutches again I mean, crutches in this city, if I ever have to get on crutches again, I might kill myself. Dude, crutches as an adult is tough in general.

Dude, crutches going up the subway stairs, it's a 30-minute process. No one helps. People kick you out of the way. People get so mad, and it's impossible. It's the one time where you're like, man, I don't understand how handicapped people

get around in this city. There's like four elevators in the whole goddamn city. I watched a blind guy today going into our building, and he just missed it. Went like two – a door and a half down. And our doorman saw him and ran out and was like, oh, hey, whatever your name is, like, you missed. Come back. Because, I don't know, he just counted his steps wrong that day or whatever. I actually – the trustee.

And then as he was walking, he had the stick had the stick and he like hid into our scaffolding and i could tell the doorman didn't want to be like patronizing and go like grab him but also was trying to direct him and i was like what would have happened if this doorman wasn't yeah i don't think i don't think you can be disoriented you i don't think you can allow yourself to be patronized if you're blind i think it's kind of like i gotta got to really hope that the world is nice, because I have to be incredibly trusting of everyone around me at all times. Well, they shouldn't do that, because I one time had that, where I was the exact thing.

I was like, I don't want to patronize a guy. I'll let him do it. And it didn't work out. It was a scaffolding situation where his wand went under the bar oh so he so he thought and i was like i was behind him and i was like oh this is gonna end bad yeah and it basically just directed him right into a pole and yeah what was he gonna do like but dude hey buddy this way this way this is how like paranoid i am if i were blind i think about this a lot because i had this is hilarious i think about

how blind i would be as a blind guy today this morning i had an eyelash in my eye for like two hours and again like ready to kill myself never been more grateful about life now that it's out of my eye but just a constant work. Dude, if I were blind, at all times, I would think there's someone in the room silently, not even attacking me, just silently observing or about to rob me

or pickpocketing. Even in my own home, I wouldn't feel safe. I'd be in a constant state of fucked. I never thought of that. The getting into streets, I see how they work and that stuff. I never thought of that. The getting into streets. I see how they work and that stuff. I never thought of finding the right building. How do you do that?

Getting to the right spot and then getting back. You have to retrace all your steps. That is easier now than it's ever been because just Siri voice, Google direction, the thing. But even then, even when I'm using directions, I get lost. So, I don't know. And I can see it, you know? Yeah, when they're like,

go north. I'm like, what the fuck? Does a boy know what north is? What is he feeling for the fucking moss on sides of trees? What the hell is he gonna do? Well, that's also, it's like, if you're born with it versus if you lose it, like, if you're born with it, it's probably like, you know, I don't know, I just dealt with it my whole life. If you lose your sight,

put me out to pasture, bro. Like, see you fucking later. I hate that. I hate that so much. I just dealt with it my whole life. If you lose your sight, put me out to pasture, bro. See you fucking later. I hate that. I hate that so much. We just did a challenge here on one of our videos where we wore blackout goggles that were blackout. You don't realize the difference between if I were to tie a scarf around your head

versus blackout your eyes. Right. It is disoriented. Yeah, actually, now that we just said about being blind but suckling, I found it rather zen, where I was just like, all right, this is cool, just close my eyes. Really? Yeah.

Well, Feidelberg is just careening towards death. Yeah, yeah. You really are the Mr. Magoo of Barstool, aren't you? You somehow are just walking through life, seemingly just missing, falling off of skyscrapers. You land in a pillow factory or something. You're the only person. That's pretty accurate.

You would love the thought of just eternal darkness. Do you ever think about this? I see a lot of, because I'll drive into the city to do spots and stuff, and then I always see there's a car accident at least every single time. I saw one upside down on Delancey Street the other day. Just like in like the left lane. Like the cops were like just showing up, and I was like, is that tires? And they're like, you know, just right here.

And like, you know, you always, I don't know, I always play like the what happened, like what's going on. And a lot of times you're like, I'm sure it's somebody on their phone. But I do feel like how many car accidents do you think a year are caused by people driving on the highway and then in a moment remembering like a hardcore repressed trauma and it devastating them being like oh fuck i was molested and then just from being like distracted bro that is a dark thought. The thought of you're in your car upside down,

the police are showing up, and you're still just worried about the fact that you were molested. Yeah, dude. Did you ever get lost in a thought where you have that highway hypnosis? And then if something were to be like, oh my god, and then next thing you know, you're sleeping. I will die falling asleep with the wheel. I get that.

If I'm a passenger in a car, I'll go right to sleep. That sort of feeling of just eating up miles on the highway, that'll take me out, no problem. It'll be my death when I'm 70. Well, now it's that good because those cars have the it keeps you in the lane sort of thing. Yeah, the autocorrect. My car is like, yeah.

And it also has the cruise control where it'll like keep pace with the car in front of me so now it's like i'm basically in an auto spaceship where i can just kind of i just recline the seat wait you said you mentioned driving in and out so you live in queens queens yeah you have one year old yeah how is that with the comedy life? Because I feel like a lot of guys, you know, I know you, Cannon have kids. Yeah. Chrissy D. But I feel like so much when you're coming up is like you're just doing spots all the time.

It's very selfish life. And then all of a sudden when you make that switch, it's like. Actually, I think it happened at a great time for me because I wasn't like. It would have been bad if it was the first even 10 years of me doing stand-up because it is so much like, not only just hustling, but like going out with the prospect of hoping to get out. You know what I mean? It's like a lot of like waste, not wasted nights, but you're just like, I don't know, maybe I'll get up. Let's see what happens. And you're out till midnight and then you do or you don't get up.

Now I'm in a place where I'm like, when I'm going in, it's like I'm a fucking Navy SEAL with this shit. You know what I mean? Like I'm coming into the city. I'm tactical. I find, like, I do the spot. I hang off a little bit. Then I get the hell out of there and get home. But, I mean, those first, you know, the first four months, you know,

before they're sleeping, it was brutal. Tell them what happened last night. Tell them the sleep schedule last night. Oh, yeah. He's been sleeping great. He's been sleeping like 12 hours. Last night, he just was sick last week, so he decided last night, woke up at sleep schedule. Oh, yeah. He's been sleeping great. He's been sleeping like 12 hours. Last night, he just was sick last week, so he decided last night, woke up at

1.45 a.m. I went to bed at 11.30, woke up at 1.45 a.m., and then didn't go back to sleep until 5. And it was just my wife and I. How about that one, John? Just my wife and I just rotating just like your turn, trying to put him down. And he's, by the way, here's what

crushes you about it he's not screaming crying the whole time he's he wants just to be so like he's dead asleep and you're like oh perfect he's out and then the second

you put him down and it just it's so demoralizing because you're like oh I know you're so fucking close to sleeping dude you're so close

if he was crying the whole time it'd be way it'd be like it would almost be better because you're like we're not even close to putting this kid down i used to find that like i would just stop trying yeah i would rather just like sit with the kid put on like a fucking documentary like i'm gonna just be up at like 3 a.m rather than constantly try go it got to that point where we're like should we just start the day at five you know but it's like

but it was a thing of my wife was like i need like at least one hour sleep i need to have at least an hour sleep so we we kept trying and thankfully eventually one hour right now would murder me i was like i don't know i honestly just don't understand yeah yeah i don't get why would you do it what do you you you started to wake up early now though right, right? Like early-ish. I'm probably 8, 8.30. And you'll go to bed when? I'll probably in bed at midnight, and then I'll probably watch a show or two in there. But yeah, so you're always getting at least eight hours.

No, that's like six. Twelve to eight? Well, I mean, I said I'd watch a show or two in bed. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. So watch a show or two. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. So you wouldn't be that. I mean, there was a time where I feel like you were waking up at like 10. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like that. Yeah, my pre-kid. Right, right. I guess it is all kind of relative. My pre-kid life was always waking up. I never woke up before 10. I would say I woke up before 10, but I would set my alarm for 9.55. Dude, an alarm for 9.55

is the most fake life shit I've ever heard in my life. If my alarm didn't go off at any day of the week, I would sleep. I could sleep right now for six hours if you just turn the lights off. If you give me those blackout goggles, I'm done until someone violently... Especially when you have kids, you

could just pass out. But prior to your kid, you could just... When I was a kid, I could sleep 12 hours you could just. I've been, when I was a kid, I could sleep 12 hours at a time. I've always been, I've never had any problem with sleep and I've always been like, every single day I wake up, I go,

fuck, I wish I had more of that. I can't wait to get back into that. But then I'm also a night owl, so I stay up till two in the morning, I would say till two in the morning and then be pissed that I only got, you know.

I mean, I remember as a kid staying up watching just like the dumbest shit on TV till like three, four in the morning. Yeah, for no know. Dude, I mean, I remember as a kid staying up watching just, like, the dumbest shit on TV until, like, 3, 4 in the morning. Yeah, for no reason. No, nothing. It gained nothing by doing that. Oh, dude, I'm on season 11 of Criminal Minds right now.

Right, there's just always. Dude, I'm getting into World War II shit. Oh, yeah. I'm watching, like, colorized World War II documentaries and shit, like, seeing, like, real footage. That's what you know. I'm, like, pumping my fist about the Battle of Midway. I'm, like, really. I'm in pumping my fist about the Battle of Midway. I'm like, really?

I'm in, dude. Well, dude, you got a one-year-old and you're cheering about World War II documentaries, your life is over. Yeah. I've said this before

that we are a very lucky people that Hitler existed. We get so much. This is a theory that we need to explain very fully every time we're here.

Yeah, yeah. You can't just say that and check out the conversation. Dude, the entertainment we get from World War II movies, documentaries, things like that, like Hollywood's built on major World War II movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lucky thing. Well, for some people it was lucky. But the Jews, not as lucky, I feel like, for a bit there.

Yeah, the Jews probably don't agree. But if it wasn't for Hitler, what would be the symbol of evil? Maybe it would be World War I, right? But it's like even that. But even that, there's not a guy. We need a guy. We got a guy. We should still be like Genghis Khan.

I think I say that. I said that. Everything would come back to like, because World War II is just the right time where you can still use machine guns and it's modern enough. If we're fighting on horseback, we're not as interested. And also, Genghis Khan feels like it was so long ago, and the numbers I hear about him are almost like, that's a movie. I don't know.

It's like he slaughtered like 8 billion people. How about the thing that he killed the 2,000 people that attended his funeral I just saw that he had them all everyone that attended

his funeral because they didn't want to have grave robbers or anybody know where he was buried so the 2,000 people which back then

it's like a lot of people 2,000 people showed up to his funeral they were all slaughtered right afterwards and then the people who slaughtered them killed themselves

you talk about a they have no idea to this day they have no idea where he was buried I did not know that they were all slaughtered right afterwards and then the people who slaughtered them killed themselves. I mean, you talk about a... They have no idea where... To this day, they have no idea where he was buried. I did not know that. And you're like... Well, you would think also it'd be like wherever the 2,000 bodies were, he's probably close.

You know what I mean? They were doing a bus tour. You know what I mean? They're like, one more stop, you guys. Right over the fucking ditch. Imagine being like, thank you. Good night. To the Hulu theater.

Just flaming them. Just killing them all. John Belushi had to be moved. John Belushi's buried on Martha's Vineyard. No way. He had to move his body because it was turned into such a party scene. That's awesome. People pouring some Jack on his grave.

And then once he moved, though, people like people really wanted it to be his grave. So they stopped doing it. Yeah. To me, I would just keep going to that spot. This is now like the John Belushi dead party spot. Yeah. You're like you're like the OG. Like I was partying here before it was cool.

The body was in there. Yeah. That is, I feel like the best thing that could happen in life is if you lived such a life. Well, probably not like overdosing and dying early. But if you lived such a life that your grave turns into a party spot. Yeah, but where's Chris Farley? I mean, he's probably buried in Wisconsin. I would imagine.

That would be a good one. That's another one I think people would want to. But it's like again all those stories of the party guys end pretty tragic you know what i mean so it's like it feels kind of it feels kind of dark you know celebrating at those things yeah you're yeah of course you're right on that but but i don't know man yeah it's just it's strange with the with the kid now you just kind of like you know you just fucking get through it like those first like three months four months was like a legitimate nightmare every day of being like we made a terrible mistake of having a kid but then once it's like the difference is dude is like once

they start having a personality and they're like cool as shit then you're like okay yeah like he like open sneezed in my face yesterday and you're like just just, you're lucky it's you, dude. You know what I mean? Anybody else, but you're fucking, you know, then he like, he looks at you and he goes like, eh,

he gives you a little smirk and you're like, all right, you're fucking good with that. But that was why also like, this was the dumbest thing that I did, which it's like,

you know, I just put out this comedy special, but I, I'm plugging, but it all ties into this is because when I shot it,

he was 10 weeks old. So I was in the middle of like zero fragmented sleep. If you look at it, I don't know if people can tell, but for me, I have deep purple bags under my eyes of just being like, dude, you feel like you're almost like stoned. It's like an out of body. You don't know what's going on.

Because it's not that you're not on enough sleep. It that you're not even on like a consistent fragmented sleep it's like i get two hours at five in the afternoon uh three hours at midnight and then one hour at nine a.m it's like your body is is going through hell dude the i remember being in that like like falling asleep like like talking to someone uh you know one of the business people some shit and being like like literally falling asleep in front of someone's face and they're like are you good

are you drunk I'm trying to have a meaning of the mind here I notice that as I get older that like it used to be when you wake up you're just you like all through my childhood, college even the 20s like I woke up It used to be when you wake up, you're just you. Like all through my childhood, college, even the 20s.

I woke up, and whatever my fully functioning brain is, I was on that right away. I was good to go. And now I have like two hours a day where I can talk and think. You're at your high capacity. Otherwise, I'm like, I'll go home in an hour and be like, well, I walked and talked today. I talked on radio today. I did this. I was like, I'm out.

I had my three-hour window. When people used to talk about taking a test, was it early in the morning or was it in the afternoon or whatever? I was like, I don't know. It's all the same to me. You either know the question or you don't. And now it's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. I got that wrong or I did that because I was fucking tired or whatever. Again, because you don't walk or drink water or stretch.

That's all we have to do. And eat like a smidge better. Yeah. You know? It is just – you can knock out the – it's just water. Yeah, I know. Water is like the key to life. I go to the doctor.

He's like, you're like the healthiest person I've ever seen. I know. I used to make fun of of all my friends and I. Everyone drank soda when they were kids. Like when you're like 12. Like all of our friends, I was like a Sprite guy, my friend was a Coke guy, I think I was a root beer guy, and my one friend drank nothing but water, and I can't explain how much shit he got for that.

Friggin' water is so good. We call him every name in the book our whole childhood and he was shockingly the only 12 year old with six-pack abs you know like this kid was ripped and in great shape and had incredible cardio played basketball for like five hours without stopping shockingly it probably had something to do with the water i drank mostly water yeah i i would have some juicy fruit my kids drink to a bizarre extent. Like, you want some apple juice? No.

You want to try soda? No. Just water? Chocolate milk? No. Just water. That's the best. That's great, though.

So I want to keep them on that. I would dabble in was the Allsport. The carbonated sports beverage was short-lived. I get that at the rink because they had an Allsport machine. Allsport was burned hot and heavy for a moment, but it never really caught on. Gatorade just smashed everybody's company. You know that sweaty activity you're doing? How about a bubbly drink?

Powerade's just fucking Pepsi. It's Coke and Pepsi. It's like it's grasping at straws. Powerade you settle for if there's no Gatorade. No one sees Gatorade next to Powerade and goes, give me fucking Powerade blue over Cool Blue. Pepsi had a moment, though. It's more like McDonald's and Burger King in my mind.

Yeah, or like McDonald's and Roy Rogers. Pepsi had that moment where they were cool for a minute. I don't think they ever had the market share, but they were aligned with the pop stars, and they did the giveaway. There was a documentary on the kid who won the fucking stars and they did the giveaway there was a documentary

on the kid who won the fucking plane it was the Pepsi halftime show for a while they did the Pepsi challenge right that was the big thing can you taste which one is which

yeah but that's never a good thing when your thing is like ours tastes like theirs too yeah but ours is blue our can's blue I mean

Crystal Clear I thought Crystal Clear Pepsi was one of the coolest fucking things that's ever happened it bombed in the market but I was like it's magic they made it I thought Crystal Clear Pepsi was one of the coolest fucking things that's ever happened. It bombed in the market. But I was like, it's magic.

They made it. It should have been the first tip off that this is a wildly synthetic and horrible thing to put in your body. It's like, we can make it brown. We can make it clear. We can make it whatever the fuck we want. Because it's just fucking cooked up in a science lab. Was there a taste difference? I never had the Crystal. I don't think so.

It was just, you know, I don't know. People just were freaked out. I mean, why would it fail? You'd think like... I think it's one of those things like, you know, if you think you're drinking milk and you drink orange juice and it just... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like your body just like... Yeah, that'll ruin your life. That will ruin your life, man. That feeling is a bizarre one one even if you think you're taking water and it's club soda even that is like whoa the seltzer revolution is one that i hate the water fine it's literally the essence of life drink the water whatever the people drink seltzer this is the spicy water this This is an interesting take. You know, it's equally as hydrating as water.

But why would you want carbonated? Maybe you're a person who likes soda and you want to be healthier. Drink the fucking soda. You know, it's just drink diet soda like an adult and then drink your water. And what about alcoholic sodas, you know? I feel like this company has a vested... Couple of those. Couple of those. Hey, we'll pull back the hate on all those sodas.

You want to drink a carbonated soda? You want to drink carbonated alcohol? Carbonated water is just... I don't know. It's a waste of time. It's a hot take. It's a strange hot take. People who drink seltzer act like it's some fucking magical mixer.

I got a buddy that just keeps a 24-pack in his car. Yeah, they have tons of it. They swear by it. I almost find it stranger if it's no flavor. Yeah, just the club seltzer. But if you have like, I love a good, give me a black cherry seltzer, dude. It's got to be Schweppes or Canada Dry, anything else you're out of your mind, dude. Give me a fucking, even a good, give me a black cherry like seltzer, dude. It's got to be Schweppes or Canada Dry, anything else you're out of your mind, dude. Give me a fucking,

even a lime, dude. Give me a little something in there. Give me a little dash. Sometimes you're at night, you're doing other stuff, you feel like that. It feels like you're drinking a beer a little bit, you know what I mean? It tricks your mind into being like, I got a nice little carbonation. Simpleton. What a couple bubbles can do to these people's minds. Yeah, it's the palate, dude.

It's either that or it's like, I look, I say I have an IPA in the fridge and I have a club soda. I'm like, let me start with the club soda. They still want the IPA afterwards. And I'm like, all right. Lube up the throat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I drink both. It feels like a...

So the special is like a cool look at the comedy club, I feel like. Yeah. Which is something I think we take for granted here in New York. Sure. And I feel like if you're a comedy fan, you're in one of these cities far away in the middle of nowhere, you can't make it to New York. The club is as, you know, not as important as the comic,

but right up there as far as the atmosphere and what you see and how it goes. So giving people a look into that, I think, is a cool wrinkle. Yeah. So the Comedy Cellar is four rooms within a block of one another, and they're all totally different rooms from like the original one. It's just like 120 people, and you got Village Underground, 250 people. You got the Fat Black Lounge, which is like 80 people.

And then you got the bar, which is like maybe 100 people, and they all aesthetically are so different looking, and even though they have the same comics, they have like totally, even the crowd, it feels different, so the comic, you gotta kind of like adjust based on the room,

if you're in the Village Underground, a bigger room, you gotta kind of like play up, versus the lounge feels like, it's a little more experimental, we can fuck around, the bar show feels like you're in an actual bar show, so you can get like,

you can kind of, I don't know, know it just feels they have all these different energies so i feel like i wanted to uh do something that was like just kind of show how a comic working at you know arguably the best club in the world could do all of those in one night so i did the just the four rooms in one night and then i decided because again i had a 10 week old and it wasn't enough to just do that i was like i'm gonna direct it and edit it myself which was which is why I shot it in the end of January and it came out in October I didn't incorporate the amount of the lack of free time having a child uh would you know would but it uh it was a lot dude we ran it twice so we did essentially I did eight spots in in 2 nights and just tried to run

the whole and I just did showcase sets so it was just me doing 15 minutes amongst another line of people nobody in the audience it wasn't like my fans there or anything so it was like another kind of and we had no added lights we added nothing we didn't change like the sound or anything so it's like to me

it's as close both as a comic and an audience member to seeing what it feels like you never can ever recapture what it actually is in the room but this is like an off it's not a glittered up like this is the version of and this was the whole point of it that i when i was trying to come up with the idea because i talked to production companies and a few companies were like this is going to cost over a hundred thousand dollars we're going to have to add all these lights none of these rooms look the same they're not going to match i'm like you're missing the point completely this is exactly the point it's not supposed to it's supposed to be gritty it's

supposed to be run and gun and like you know and i and like james webb who's the director of photography he's the one that shot like norman and muriel's stand-up special and all this other stuff and on netflix he's like he was the only one when i told him the idea was like fuck yes dude i love it and then i got toby Toby McMullen from Are You Garbage? And then Nicole Lyons, who used to produce my podcast. And they would just literally do like, we would run in, fucking set up like, like this in a room. James would be on his little Steadicam, like RoboCop rig there. And then the second I was done, we would go to the other, we didn't have four cameras set up in each room. It was like, it was just though, you had to break down everything, sprint around to the other. We didn't have four cameras set up in each room. It was like it was just, you had to break down everything,

sprint around to the next thing. And it was, you know, it was hard as hell. But I think it came out, you know, good and it's quick. I decided I was like, it's the TikTokification of everything, dude. Make it short. You know, it's like people don't need an hour from, like, most comics at this point. Just because, I mean, literally within the last four days, I know five comics who have put out specials.

You know what I mean? It's just a lot. You know? And I feel like doing something cool and unique, and you've seen people like Akash and Stavros and Schultz and all these people put out little shorter things that are more bite-sized that get people more interested. And also, I was

thinking about, dude, when I first started watching comedy as a kid, Comedy Central Presents was like the thing I watched the most of everything. And those were 22 minutes, you know, 38 with commercials.

So it's like something short like that feels like the, you know, it felt like a good pace. Yeah, I liked it. I like how you started it

when you were like, I'll just show you. I was like, oh, this is fucking sick. Because I didn't know what it was going to be going into it.

And I didn't know until just now when you said that it wasn't your crowd or anything like that. But at the end when the credits are rolling and you're like, yeah, that's half the room. I'm not really sure what's going on there. Well, that was actually a great note by Ari because Ari had told me before I put it out, he's like, you should show more of the behind-the-scenes stuff. Because initially I was thinking about putting it in between. But I'm like, it just slows it down.

I just wanted to show jokes, jokes, jokes. And I'm like, it just slows it down. I just wanted to show like joke, joke, joke. And I'm like, I'll put like more behind the scenes stuff in the credits. Cause that's always fun, you know? And then yeah,

that fat black bar, that show was, we only had one shot at that show. Cause the, the second night it ended up, they didn't, they didn't do a show that night. So we only had one shot at that fat black bar.

Ian finance was hosting and they were like, I mean, they were terrible. They were so bad for Ian and it wasn't Ian's fault. Every comic would just kind of march into their death and you know, Ian is, I put it in the thing, Ian goes

he's like, they're dumb, they're so stupid, he's making fun of them and then the way he brings me on stage is being like, I have no recourse left besides to lock the doors from the outside and burn you all alive. Anyway, this next comic's one of my best friends. You're like, good! I was thinking about that watching it where I was like,

I wonder how you felt. I'm doing a special right here. Get him up a little bit! It's classic Ian where it's like if he's not having a good time, he can't hide it. He can't just be like, hey guys. But he did try and they just weren't giving him anything and he thought that might win him back.

But, dude, for the first, I don't know, 11 minutes of that 15-minute set, I was just yelling into a void. I literally had a thought on stage being like, I guess I could say I did all three rooms of the concert. No one would really know, you know? But it wasn't until I literally got the light to wrap up. I just happened to see that couple in the audience and I asked them a question and turns out they have this wild insane backstory

that I managed to and then to get in a you know get a laugh and get an applause break out of that crowd who were so bad it felt like Ian said he was in the background being like fist pumping but that's that's what I mean like that showing is – now comedy got so popular that I think people are into comedy itself. Right. It's almost like a sport. You follow the comics you like and you don't like and you want to almost – it's like fantasy sports. You want to know who's the best and who's doing what. And to show that side of it, I think with livestream capabilities and behind-the-scenes stuff and paywalls and all that.

I think you can show here's the funny stuff but also here's how the sausage is made and people will eat that up now. And the thought of a crowd being like this is a fucking bad crowd. That means for fans... And it does exist.

I mean, listen, a lot of the times it is the comedian's fault. Maybe they don't read the room or whatever. But when it's everybody on the show, it's just that thing of like, hey, man, it's fine. Just this is a group of people who need to never be in a room together at one second again. You know what I mean? Like you guys are all individually. Ian said that, right?

Yeah. Individually good people, but never together again because it's just we've decided this is not the collective. It's like you go on a date and it's like, like yeah we just did not have the chemistry and that's not a thing about you or me it's just about us yeah it's like well it's you it's you guys for sure but um but yeah it is it was uh it definitely made the experience i have a theory i have a theory that like i think every crowd is kind of like make or break based on like one person

like one person who will like whoop it up laugh clap oh yeah and like open the floodgates

the cheerleader for the audience yeah if you have one big laugher especially towards the front it makes the whole show better

what's worse is when someone's in the front and they're like very they have terrible and if they're doing their terrible energy because people are all looking forward that's one of the only people everyone in the audience can see so it's like if you're right in front and you're shitty energy that's why so many times you'll see comedians call it out and it's like we do have this thing of like if everyone's laughing but one person isn't we're always like why the fuck isn't that person maybe but if they're sitting in the front almost 100 100% of comedians

will address it, whether it's some like, backhanded way or whatever, because everybody can see that person, and everyone's like, why isn't that guy fucking laughing? You know, you're like,

should I not be laughing? It's subconscious. Exactly. It usually is. When we do our live shows, it's like, when, you know, they say our names

and introduce us, there are sometimes crowds that are like, fuck yeah, and then there are crowds crowds that are like, fuck yeah. And then there are crowds that are just like, okay, start the show. We paid money. Go. Yeah. And I think that when there's one dude, he's drunk, he's a girl.

I feel like it's usually a guy, but it's like you're drunk, you're a frat boy, you're crazy, whatever your personality is. And then it's like, oh, yeah, okay, fuck yeah. Let's cheer. Starts the chant chance starts the whatever uh and you just don't know if you're gonna get that person or there needs to just be someone in that audience who's like excited to be there and it's really infectious you know it just especially in the smaller what about what about comedy clubs with armrests like whenever i'm at village underground or whatever I don't know how to sit I'm never in the front

but if I was I would certainly never cross my arms but sometimes in the back I'm like I don't have anywhere to put my arms you have a table but sometimes the table you're looking this way you're kind of sitting like this and I'll be like it's interesting you say that too

because two things on that number one a lot of times if you see people sitting like this and comics call attention to it and I'll be like, ah, I'm going to go ahead. It's interesting, it's interesting you say that too because two things on that. Number one, a lot of times, if you ever, if you see people sitting like this and comics call attention to it or they're like, uncross your arms,

it's bad energy, whatever, it's like that, 95% of the time, they're always like, oh, fuck, I didn't even realize it.

Right, right, right. Because people are so used to like, watching comedy on YouTube or TV or listening to podcasts. People don't know how to facially react. They forget that people can see them now.

Like, that's like post-pandemic where we're at. But also, it's like the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge before the pandemic was totally different. It used to be like actual lounge. It was like sofas. There were like cushions and like big comfortable seats. And that room was like not great

because everyone was literally like- Like sleeping. They were sleeping. They were so comfortable. And there is something about comedy where it's like, yeah, the room's got to be cold. The chair has got to be like a little uncomfortable where you're sitting up straight because they want you like if you're too calm. If you have armrests and you're just chilling.

You have to be active listening. Yeah. Yeah. Actively listen because you're like, oh, my back. What did this guy say? Yeah. That's a great point. I never even thought about it.

I mean, everything matters either directly or indirectly. I feel like nothing's worse than heat in a comedy room. That's why I was like, Letterman was always one of the 65 degree, like unbelievably cold. But there's nothing worse than when you go on stage and you see people doing this. And you're like, fuck, this is going to be bad. What do you think of the comics who will just rock a towel

and just be like, I'm going to sweat. I don't mind. I mean, it's like, I actually like. You're always in like a jacket and shit. like, I'm going to sweat and I'm just doing it. I mean, it's like, I actually like... You're always in like a jacket and shit. Yeah, yeah. There's been times... Like, if I were to go up

on stage with that, I would be pouring sweat. I wore this on stage the other night and immediately, it was a 20-minute set and I like immediately regretted it. I was like, oh no.

And there's nothing weirder to me than taking your jacket off and hanging it on the thing. But it's also kind of like if you're like higher energy and stuff, I kind of like... When I get off stage, if I sweat, it, you got to go. And hanging it on the thing. But it's also kind of like if you're higher energy and stuff, I kind of like when I get off stage, if I sweat, it feels like if you go to the gym and you sweat. You know what I mean?

I feel like I not only did my material, but I performed. You know what I mean? Versus being like, yeah, if you leave the gym without sweating sometimes, you're like, I guess I did everything I said I was going to do, but did I really get a workout? Why don't I sweat? But I remember D-Ray Davis, I opened for him once years, years ago. And he had a towel.

So he would have like a bucket of like ice, ice. And then he had a towel that was wrapped around a metal spoon that was soaking wet and sitting in the ice. So it was like a freezer. So he would walk over and dab himself with like a little, like a cloth popsicle, essentially. And dab himself. And I was like,

that's the coolest thing. D-Rage my man. I love that. What do you need on your rider? I need a fucking cloth, a spoon, a bottle of ice, a bucket of ice.

And a bottle of tequila. Someone told me a story recently. I think it was Nick Turani. I think we were talking and he was telling a story about how his buddy was at his pediatrician when he was a kid. And she was an attractive woman. And he got hard.

And she was like, don't worry about it. This happens. And she came back with a cold spoon and smacked him in the dick with it, and it just went down. And I was like, is that a thing? Wait, this happened to Nick? It happened to Nick's friend, he said. i'm pretty sure it was nick he told me and i was like is that a like do doctors just have a bunch of spoons in the freezer in case you get hard like i've never heard of that my question is why did it have to be a cold spoon couldn't it just be like a

the shame of being like, Oh man, that's super embarrassing. If you're a guy who's hard in front of, against your own will in front of a pediatrician, I feel like a cold spoon is not going to make it go away unless it makes you come. And then that might make it up. Do it again. Do it again for me. Can you Google that real quick? Like cold spoon? Cold spoon doctor or something like that? Cold spoon trick? Donor trick? Cold spoon doctor?

I mean, there could also just be something between, like if you start to beat my dick, maybe it's going to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, yeah. Self-defense. That also feels like it's probably got like, there's probably like a law against like, it's like beating a kid's dick as a doctor.

Yeah, yeah. It feels like part of the Hippocratic oath. That's what you a kid's dick as a doctor. Yeah, yeah. It feels like. Part of the Hippocratic Oath. That's what you remember right before you crash. Like, oh, fuck. Doctor hit me with a spoon. What's that? It's a thing on Reddit. There's a story.

Paz, was that an out-of-order meeting? Were you in that? Yeah, I believe that was Greer's friend. It was Greer's friend. But it's a Reddit story? But, yeah. So that's one of those, like, you know, urban legends that someone's like, no, my friend told me, and it's like, no, they didn't.

What, like, one thwack with it, and it went away, or was it like a beating? I'm picturing it like one of those, like, tuning forks, like... Yeah, yeah. I was picturing a gong, you know? Yeah, yeah. Read some of the story. Or is that it? It's just literally that?

So, no, yeah, so this is YouTuber Clint that tells this spoon story. But there are medical reports of how to get rid of an unwanted erection. And it does include cold water, blah, blah, blah. But there's also this ad from, I believe, it looks like an old ad that says the sexual temperance spoon. It's the only thing that will get rid of a boner. Sexual temperance spoon. Well, here's the thing, though. get away get rid of a boner sexual temperance well here's the thing though something like x-men just by like actual laws of physics right like if you if you hit any part of my body with a spoon it will bring blood to it right because it's like that's but maybe if maybe it's more like you hold the cold spoon on the dick. Yeah, hold in a cold spoon. And then it goes away. Dude, then it just becomes a kid from a Christmas story with your dick on a cold spoon.

It just gets stuck. I had pre-cum on it. It's wet. It's going to freeze now. Dude, that is quite the tale. I love these things that are like urban legends prior to the internet because it just means that like enough people retold that story and stole that story as their own dude or not even it off it could also just be also in the early parts of the internet too where like my buddy two days ago just texted me a picture he's watching tv and there was like a infomercial for like john bastow and he was

like john bastow's alive do you remember that guy he was like the six minute ad or whatever and he was like yeah yeah and that's photoshopped like head but there was that there was that rumor that he died in that tsunami and like everyone's like that guy's just dead he like couldn't like crunch his way out of it and my buddy thought until two days ago he was dead he's like this guy's still alive and still walking late night ads would love more so than the john belushi grave i would love, more so than the John Belushi grave, I would love to be the product of an internet death hoax. Yeah? Because I think that's also awesome. I think that shows you're either, like Eminem was killed like 20 times.

Sure. And it just shows that you're like, that's because he's a megastar. Yeah, yeah. Lil Wayne has been too, but he actually almost died every time. But if you're like a John Bay style, it's like, obviously he's not like an A-list celebrity, but he did his thing to the point that like, you say that like mostly everybody knows who he is. Yeah.

And it's enough of a thing that they go, no shit. That guy's dead. Like they get matters. Yeah. And then you can be like, no, I'm alive.

Like making a, Hey internet, like timestamp, like I'm alive being the product of a conspiracy theory that I'm dead ugh I would fucking love that we we fake killed

Jerry McNamara from Syracuse one time oh yeah and it was back like before we really really respected the power

of the internet like it's a that's a really fucked up thing to do like truly especially with their family

he said like people were reaching out, being like, are you okay? No, I'm dead. Who texts a dead person being like, hey,

you good? It was a very strange, maybe it was family reaching out to their family, but he had to put out, like, something on social media, right? Being like,

don't know what's really going on, but like, I'm fine. How did you do it? I think we just said it on the podcast. Yeah. I think we just said it. Early days on the podcast.

There was a graphic made, I think. It was fucked. We did circulate a graph. We probably made a black and white date. I could be wrong. We sent out funeral arrangements and awake times. Everyone believed us like a bunch of idiots. We paid off the police to say it happened.

Pete Holmes has a joke about that where he's just like people are like why did you believe me you morons like I don't know it's just what I do things happen you told me something I'm not the villain in this story right yeah why would I automatically assume at all times you're lying to me but we were like we were

thinking like Jerry McNamara is like a perfect level this is especially you know many years ago it was like very popular in in his circle not too famous that it would like be immediately debunked and it worked and uh was he furious at you guys i don't think he was and he knows it was you guys like i don't know if he knows specifically us i think it was like barstool yeah yeah um but you know i would like never do something like that now that's like so it happened that is so crazy you haven't seen him obviously i never even met him yeah it's not like we were like buddies he came through did the podcast yeah yeah this is like early days we were like who's someone who's famous but not too famous? Boom, Jerry McNamara, he's dead. And you have to be like, hey guys,

I'm alive. Dude, they did it with the... I feel like in sports, it happens all the time, where someone gets caught unexpectedly, and it's like, oh, he fucked his teammate's wife. And then you're like, what? Why would you say that? And it just happened with the Blackhawks, where

Corey Perry got caught. And they're like... I had friends texting me being like, dude, this is nuts. And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. And they're like, Corey Perry fucked Conor Bernard's mom. Mom. And I was like, well, that's probably not true. And they're like, well, it's out there. I'm like, what is that?

Yeah. It's less than nothing. And then it got big enough that Corey Perry had to release a statement. I think he had some issue with alcohol. But he was like, I have to work on myself. That's even worse to be like, by the way. To be like, by the way, I'm actually going through something terrible. It did not affect my family, my teammates or their family. He didn't say it, but it did not affect my teammates.

Well, that's like the Delonte West fucking LeBron's mom. That had legs. Tyler Sagan fucking Horton I mean, I'm still, I'm still on the fence about it. I don't know. That might happen. That's what's so weird about all that stuff, man. Cause now,

and this is why I hate Twitter even more than I used to is the fact of like, now that anyone can just buy the verification, like if you're just scrolling and you get that, I don't know why the for you is the first thing and how to get it off that, but it's like, I opened, I, you can't get it off. Right it's like i opened i i you

can't get it off right it's mine mine just sticks with following no the first column is i have to swipe over to get to the follow to get to my followers i open mine i'm just unfollowing it always i don't i don't think of it at first i just open it up and i just go yeah yeah yeah and inevitably something jumps out at me where i'm like, I wouldn't follow that person or like that. Today it was – I guess Mia Khalifa was doing a video about – Palestine. No, I think it was about marriage. And some guy with a check, his caption was just, so I guess we're letting whores talk about marriage now.

And I was like, who the – why the fuck am I following this person? Who would talk this way? You know what I mean? Right. And I was like, I'm not. It's on following this person who would talk this way you know what I mean and I was like I'm not it's on my for you page and this is not for me I don't want this guy

I always think it's somebody that I follow that retweeted that or something because then I'm like what asshole did this and then it's like oh no what

you know they just but that for you is like okay yeah somebody I follow likes this but that does not mean you know

but they'll also take a lot of liberties they'll also put like – They're taking a lot of liberties with that. They'll also put – I basically now look at Twitter for baseball news and updates and off-season shit. And there will be someone to be like, oh, Yankees getting Soto. And I'm like, what? And I'll click, and it's like a guy with 400 followers, but he pays for the blue check. And you're like, what is this? What's going on?

That's a game, the – The fake – On trade deadline days and hot stove days. It's like Jeff Passon, but with, like, the wrong spelling of his name. But it's still his image. We've been fighting that one at Barstool for a long time. You got to note it. Like, there's always somebody who gets got every year. Like, you know, 10 years in a row on running, somebody gets got on it.

Or even if it's just, like, they put quotes. Like, they're very close on this. You know what I mean? That kind of a thing. Well, you know what I mean? Well, you know what they do now? They did it with yesterday. This wasn't a fake thing. It was maybe NFL memes or something like that. And it was like, they put news in caps lock.

Then if you read the killing itself, there's really no news. It says there's a chance Jimmy Garoppolo leaves the Raiders. Raiders? Where he is now? Leaves the Raiders this offseason and would be considered a backup possibility, a starter possibility in New England. And then, like, someone traced it back to, like, Jeff Howe,

who's a former Pats beat guy, right, for the Athletic. And he's just like, it was just him being like. I guess it could happen. It was just him being like, writing an article about, like, what the future could hold for Patriots quarterbacks. He's like, this is a potential thing. Right, right. And it's like., it was just him being like. I guess it could happen. It was just him being like, writing an article about what the future could hold for Patriots quarterbacks. He's like, this is a potential thing. Right, right. And it's like.

A possibility out there. It had like 3.4 million tweets, quote tweets. Yeah. Like, no. Jeff Howell was like, no, I wasn't saying it's like. I didn't talk to anybody. I was just saying that's something that could happen. Yeah, I know.

I want to ask you though, man, as a diehard Mets fan, what are you going to do if the Mets don't get Yamamoto or Soto or any of these big guys? I feel like, I mean, Soto is the guy. I would love them to just go all out for that. More concerned about the Yankees getting him almost than the Mets not getting him because that will fucking suck a dick. And Yamamoto because then Yamamoto is the first free agent that both guys are. I mean,

neither teams are going after Otani for some reason, but it's like also whatever he's over. Dude, Otani just lost himself like $300 million by getting that injury.

They said he's going to get like $500 million. I still, I feel like he would have had something like comical. Yeah. Like bizarrely astronomical.

The Blue Jays might get him, which is now, that's what I'm hearing today. The Blue Jays? The Blue Jays are like in like heavy, but the Blue Jays, they Adam, which is now, that's what I'm hearing today. The Blue Jays? The Blue Jays are in heavy touch. But the Blue Jays, they also, this is so funny, because this is like, if this is true, then Ken Rosenthal is going to not be allowed to go back to Toronto, because they put out this thing, they've been talking about it all off-season, like, Otani is so secretive about his whole

process of going around to these teams, that if you, this agent's been like, if you release any details about like our thing, it's, they'd said like, there's going to be repercussions or like whatever the fuck. Which is, it's such a gangster.

I think of him as like a samurai. Yeah, yeah. There's a code and if you break it, you are out. Yeah, yeah, you're out. But so, Ken Rosenthal reported at two

in the morning that like, they all, the Blue Jays met with him in Florida. So now all the Blue Jays fans are being like, Ken Rosenthal,

you fucked us, you fucked us, don't fucking bet. Well, because like somebody. There's such a thing you say though and then guess what? The Blue Jays come are being like, Ken Rosen, you fucked us, you fucked us, don't fuck it back. Those are such a thing you say, though. And then guess what? The Blue Jays come in $10 million by the next guy? You're good. Because also some fucking janitor sees it and says something,

you're going to hold it against the G. I don't know. I think you put that threat out there to hopefully shut everyone up, but you don't actually hold it against someone if they have the biggest contract. I think that's more like you better not be running to the press talking about it. I'm like using me as bait and leverage for another guy. It sounds like they really want Yamamoto.

I think they got really good unexpectedly fast. And we're like, let's make a quick run at a title here. Got the old guys. And once that didn't work, I think they kind of are recommitting to like building the right way. I think they were smart to immediately, you know, like give up in like four months and be like, we're out.

We're out. Totally. I really think that was never the plan, but all of a sudden it was like, we just won the a hundred games. But I will say it is going to, this is the first free agent with Cohen as the boss where it's like him, them and the Yankees are after the same person.

And it's going to be like interesting if the Yankees still kind of pinch pennies or if if the yankees get him mets fans are good yankee mets fans are going to be more angry that the yankees get him more than yankee fans are going to be excited that they got him totally uh that's a hundred percent of thing and i i that hopefully eventually changes over the course of time, but that still is very much in my mind of like, don't let them get, I mean, Soto is the one Soto is the fucking one. There was a minute there like early this season where he was like kind of struggling.

And I was like, I don't know, is this guy worth like $400 million? Yeah. And then like, he has Ted Williams, his numbers through his first like five years. It's like,

he's like, he's like 17 years old. It's fucking absolute. He might be one of those guys, like a pool host guy I'm like are you really like 24 I don't think this is possible He looks older for sure

He's gonna get a I mean he turned down flatly 14 years 440 million dollars Before he got traded to Padre So he was like 23 years old And someone's like here's 440 million dollars and he was like get the fuck out of my face not even like a consideration here's the next six generations of soto's set up for life success and he was like i'm gonna bet on myself you're like how much more

do you need and he's probably gonna get it and he'll get it it's fucking crazy son of a bitch yeah well uh so the special's out. Mike Feeney, A Night at the Comedy Cellar, on my YouTube channel, youtube.com slash mikefeeneycomedy. Watch it, send it to some friends, tell the people, and yeah, at I am Mike Feeney on social media. But I would love if everyone checked out the special. Beautiful, man.

Go check it out. Thanks, bro. Appreciate it. Good to see you guys. Thank you very much. Great to see you today. See you, buddy. Thank you. Bye.