KFC Radio - Feits vs Trisha Paytas, Sour Patch Kids, and Findoms

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a review! -KFC has his tinfoil hat on for Dr Seuss -Feits would like to have a word with Sour Patch Kids -Feits Vs Trisha Paytas -Feits had an experience in the findom world -Feits had a deep philosophical thought this morning -KFC is fed up with Chris D'Elia's fans blindly defending him -AITA Thursday -Voicemails Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool Subscribe to our youtube: www.youtube.com/c/kfcradio Subscribe to our youtube clips channel: www.youtube.com/c/kfcradioclipsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I've done a photo shoot in a bathtub, I have a tattoo on it, and I haven't gotten so much as a free mini Sour Patch Kid. So if you don't fucking subscribe... Fuck! It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. I got my tinfoil hat out on day three of the Dr. Seuss situation. As of right now, as we record this, the top 30 books on the bestseller list, all 30 are Dr. Seuss books

because you got all these freaks who think that it's like the end of Dr. Seuss buying up every fucking kid's book they can find because they're never going to be available again. And right now the Dr. Seuss estate is just aching it. And they're the ones who came out and did this, which is why, on the one hand, I don't think you can even call it cancel culture when, like, the company itself says, hey, we're going to take these off the shelves. Right. Like, when I had all my blogs riddled with N-words, I was like, I'm just going to go back and delete those.

I wasn't getting canceled. You weren't canceled. Now, they'll say that you were, like, pressure. You didn't laugh enough at that you had to really acknowledge that i was kidding there for a second yeah it didn't really register you're like exactly that's what i've been saying i mean i was thinking when you said old blogs i was thinking like well i've had to delete a couple i have but then you finish that sentence with all my N words. No, those blogs don't exist. I've actually never gone back to delete an old blog.

There definitely have been that just disappeared. But I've personally never gone back and been like, oh, I don't remember any of the fucking blogs I wrote. I don't. Well, yeah. I definitely should. I probably should have gone back and deleted it. I shouldn't go back.

I don't fucking know. That makes one of us. I've definitely had to go back and delete some blogs. Well, there was the one infamous one was when I wrote, I republished it every year. So that's why I had to change it because it's been published in 2010. It's been published in 2020. But it was the Christmas Eve mass blog that I write where I quoted Always Sunny episode, what, one? Oh, and we're taking it from the Raptors.

Yes. Okay. Because that's the funniest fucking line in the world and in the beginning I just I said it I just wrote it on the blog because it was very I put it in quotes and it was obviously referencing a TV show but now so now I mean it just

says like I have people hanging from the rafters doesn't make much sense but but yeah I mean but I there's other blogs that I've definitely deleted I don't know off the top of my head but I'm sure yeah so that's just what happened

people are like I wish I didn't say that it was a different time I said things different I wish I didn't say that it's like deleting a tweet but I guess the rebuttal to that is people say

well you wouldn't even do that if you didn't feel pressured to do so no I would but also there's been plenty of things I just didn't I was gonna say

if you do feel pressured no one's seen it if I knew about it I'd be like if it was a published mega book, I'd probably remember it rather than a blog when I was writing 12 blogs a day. Right. But the big ones that matter. I mean, if you were pressured into it, then I don't know. We can have a discussion about your motives behind it and all that. If you just felt like, oh, I got to clean this up, which is how he felt. Direct quotes like from his kids being like he regretted those pictures, those cartoons, that language and like wishes he didn't do it. And, you know, it was the one quote I read that you sent me was like he said he drew like some Asian stereotypes and was like, yeah, that's just how they did cartoons like 50 years ago.

And I played into it and I wish I didn't. So I changed it. And then I also, and Rowan said this on the rundown. If you like own up to something and you kind of get ahead of it or in this, not get ahead of it, but like you reacted appropriately. Then the mob can't like come for you then. You know what I mean? It's already like, I've already done it. I've already acknowledged this.

They're already out there. I changed the ones that that i could there are going to be some more that you can reference but too late you know it's like you can't fire me i quit you know you can't cancel me i cancel myself that it's like why i just end with every joke was like i was fucked up yeah just getting ahead of it yeah you did you do you were smart in tiger woods tweet i like reserve the right to delete this yeah well i'm i'm actioning i'm putting that right into action i'm just gonna get ahead of it it's pretty easy to do when janet marbles cancels herself oh remember that vaguely vague like i don't know what that was all about but like she definitely didn't really catch any heat for it what did you i completely i remember the action of it i don't remember it was the cause or why it was so silly

i can't even remember either yeah it was just like there i think everyone even i think she did uh something with like makeup on her face where it was blackface but it was like actually i don't even want to speculate i don't know what it was but she did say like i had some insensitive videos so i'm deleting them and then nobody came for and i bet you people were like looking i mean it's the first time i heard her name in the news in a long time and the same thing going on with dr seuss right now where it's like maybe maybe the dr seuss estate is just deep down racists and don't really care they just wanted to move books top 30 on the list you know he's the second second highest posthumous celebrity earner it's michael jackson and then him that actually doesn't surprise i wouldn't guess't have guessed that, but you're right.

It makes perfect sense. He is that dude. There's a reason why it was his birthday. It's National Reading Day because they were like, let's do it on Dr. Seuss' birthday because he's that motherfucker. He's got a casino after him. Remember? We've been to it in Springfield, Mass. That's Dr. Seuss? Yeah, it's all Dr. Seuss stuff.

It's like the factory. It's Springfield, right? Yeah, it's Springfield, Mass. That's his, yeah. That was cool. Outside is like the factory. Yeah, that was very cool. It's Springfield, right? Yeah, it's Springfield, Mass. That's his, I don't know if it was his hometown or became his hometown or whatever it is, but he's a Mass guy, so yeah, he's probably pretty racist. Yeah, I mean, he was born in like 1904. Yeah. It's like, yeah, you're racist.

You're just absolutely going to be racist. Yeah. You draw a yellow Chinaman. That's just how it happens. Checks out. Yeah. But then he actually also later in his life, he became extremely leftist.

Yeah. Well, he, but not just with the acknowledgement, but just like, it was like with the first time, like America first became a thing. And he just did cartoons about how America first is just Nazis and all kinds of

things. He was like, I don't, I don't know if it was a change of heart or just like a, I don't even think it's a change of heart rather than like you were raised in a time and then started thinking for yourself a little bit more that's 100% where it is and that's where it's like the amount of people who like took up arms

for him can you imagine being so obsessed with being anti-cancel culture which is again I'm fucking so god damn fucking sick of that stupid fucking phrase. But the, that you're like, I got to buy 50 children's books right now. That's what's so funny.

You're at home in your Trump t-shirt being like, I fucking, I need one fish, two fish, three fish, blue fish, or whatever the fuck it is. That's the other thing too, though. It's not that. It's like his, it's like his second. Right. I hadn't heard of any of it. It's not green eggs and ham. It's not one fish, two fish. It's not that. It's like his, it's like his second. Right there. I haven't heard of any. It's not green eggs and ham. It's not one fish,

two fish. It's not the lower eggs, but those aren't the books that are popular because they're, they're already obviously taking on shelves and they're not selling it. It's, it's, I think one fish, two fish,

redfish, bluefish. Is that what it is? There's two fish, redfish, bluefish. Is that even a book or is that a page? Whatever it is.

Yeah. I think that's number one. And yeah, cat in the hat is too. There's that, you know, all the places you'll go is when you buy for high school graduates. Yeah.

And everyone just throws it in the fucking garbage. But no. These matter so much. No one even breaks that book's spine. Yeah. Thank you. You gave me the most, the least unoriginal, the least original gift of all time. So thanks, Gramps.

But that's what we're saying. 25-dollar check. I'll take that out. And there you go, Trash. I think we should start a Twitter account called anti-ati and talk about how answer the internet needs to be canceled the ones with the midgets and all the you know that's questionable and these fucking things be flying off the shelves baby top top one in every on every category buy your ati while you can because they're never going to be on the shelves

ever again and while you're at it same thing with our sweatshirts and all of our merch. And you have to download our podcast because it's going to disappear soon. I mean, the quickest way to mobilize people is just to sprinkle the idea. Just pretend you're being canceled. Sprinkle the idea and people will rally. We said midget in a card game we created. The question was a long time ago. The question was 10 years ago, longer than that probably. And now we have it in a card game because we just forgot to change the copy on it.

Pure laziness. Yeah, it's just the same reason we don't have commas in places and some questions are tough to understand. Because we really didn't go over the copy that closely. Nor the gameplay. Not a single person alive. Well, the gameplay we were fucking forced into. We didn't want gameplay. we didn't want a gameplay we didn't want a gameplay

at all everything's gotta have points and it's gotta be in sections the guy who forces into that is fucking fired now yeah I know I think sometimes why'd we listen to that

goddamn asshole I feel like we get bullied into things or I know I do I remember even when we sold the bracelets and certain shirts over the years

where I remember feeling like alright this is how it goes now you're a part of a company this girl from like marketing says this is the way to make money. It's what she's done in the past. Let me do it. And in my heart, I was like, I wouldn't wear this. I wouldn't sell this.

I wouldn't do the gameplay. And I just go with the flow instead of saying, no. I think I'm going to start saying, no, no, no. We started doing these things my way now. We started like, yes, that was an offensive episode or segment. Tell the sponsors to go fuck themselves. I don't really give a shit. Right. If they want to go, if they want to an offensive episode or segment. Tell the sponsors to go fuck themselves. Right. I don't really give a shit.

Right. If they want to go, if they want to leave, they can leave. That's why. We'll find someone new, I think. I do genuinely think that's why when I do. Yeah. Well, that's what I was going to say. This is where I like to try to be careful because I keep saying all the time, the reason why I'm so anti-cancel culture and the men of fans get mad at me and I argue with the fucking right people is I'm like, I don't get canceled.

I always get canceled, but I don't get canceled. You yell that for a day. That's what we've always said. You probably have a bad day. But I do like to – I can't believe we're still – we talk about this again. It's not our fault. I don't want to talk about this, but it's trending on Twitter every goddamn day. Find a new slant, everybody.

Find a new slant. Today it was hashtag cancel cancel culture. It's like shut up, you illiterate motherfuckers. I actually do. I do even think I heard Kirk the other day say something like, yeah, I don't even talk about it much anymore because there's nothing left to talk about. We've had all of the takes. But I did say – I was like I don't get canceled like i think i said it with the troops episode i was like yeah like we're talking about getting canceled we never get canceled and then someone hit me with old

takes exposed and i was like yeah see i don't want to say because i will and then it's going to be like oh he said he couldn't be canceled but i welcomed the warm embrace one day i said on the rundown i want to make all my money i want it to happen when i want it to happen but i'll never like i want someone to make force me into retirement I want it to happen when I want it to happen. But I'll never – like I want someone to force me into retirement. Like, oh, I'm canceling. I got to go. That's kind of like how I look at death. It's like I don't have too much of a pussy to do it myself.

But if you could handle it pretty sooner rather than later. The exact reason why you don't kill yourself is why I'll never quit vlogging. So I need it to come. So, you know, and that's just where – you've been extra fidgety these days doing the podcast. What are you doing right now? People are leaving two things. I'm a child. People are leaving things in front of it.

Right now, if you're watching. This side of the desk used to be empty. If you're watching on YouTube, John is playing with what looks like a piece of glass. Piece of plexiglass. Plexiglass, okay. I'm trying to fit in this little crack here. John, we noticed this. We have some things coming for you for this reason.

Oh, yeah? Oh, wow, you actually succeeded. I got it. Guess what? Now we're going to fit in that one in a little bit. You got John some toys to play with? Yeah, exactly. See, I just flipped my pen.

If you're watching on the YouTube, I flipped my pen. John plays with... I almost want to see... Almost like putting subtitles on the teleprompter for Ron Burgundy to see if he'll read anything. What if I just put a porcupine, like a cactus there and john would just grab it i think you'd touch and play with absolutely anything if you put a fucking dildo here i'd be sucking that thing by the first ad read let me look around i can probably find what is it mac mac when they leave a pen it's my favorite sunny episode the gang gets analyzed and they leave a pen uh on the desk

and he leaves on his desk and mac like picks it up and he starts like sucking and then dennis comes in he's like even a well-placed pen can have quite an effect on a man like this i bet mac had quite the time with this didn't he and like mac just kind of looking at it before he came out as gay, it is, it's so goddamn fucking funny.

Mac does it with gay, you do it like you're being a child. Tap into your inner, inner feelings. But all the more reason to always watch on YouTube, go subscribe.

We're a hundred, a hundred subscriptions away from John having to do, having to host an episode, do the ads, and inherently that means do his Irish bro. Yeah.

So buckle up. My Irish accent is like Frankenstein's glasses. I'm like, people won't say I suck at this if I just do it stupid. That's very true. I'm making it a bit.

I'm just covering my own ass. Right, right. They're like, oh, John stutters. No, I don't think so. I do. Not anymore. I don't. it's all part of the bit i said earlier today how goddamn pathetic i feel begging for fucking subscribers on youtube far below what we're worth and what we should be at and i i said every day on the internet i feel like jeb bush just saying please clap it's just i i just don't make me do it i'll i'll do something here for a little visual a little

youtube visual it'll be it'll be audio as well oh god uh oh god he's taking his belt off let me take my pants off real quick oh boy we're getting we're getting kicked off of youtube all right this is the thing i've been thinking about for a while. John is now sick. No, I'm not going to tell you. You have to watch. No time like the present. Hey.

Hey, Sour Patch Kids, you motherfuckers. If you don't... If you don't fucking start advertising with us, or at least give me free Sour Patch Kids, because I've had none. I haven't gotten one single Nary an SPK have I received. I am going to get this fucking tattoo removed. That's a fact.

And I fucking promise you that. I've done a photo shoot in a bathtub. I have a tattoo on it and i haven't gotten so much as a free mini sour patch kid so if you don't fucking subscribe fuck a free one if you don't start advertising with this show i'm getting his tattoo removed i will hold a press conference like lebron james and the decision where I select my new candy. Yes. Okay.

Yes. That sounds awesome. That sounds absolutely awesome. That's what's going to happen unless you cut a check to Barstool Sports. Fucking hair bow, here I come. Oh, man. I can't decide what I want to happen more. I can't decide whether I want SBK to cut a fat check

or John sits there and he has a bag of gummy bears and he has a bear of peach rings and he has a bag of fucking the little worms, the neon worms. Twin snakes are probably coming for that ass, baby. I'm taking my talents to Swedish feet, motherfucker. Oh, man. Yeah, it's getting, it's almost, if you were my friend and you were going after a girl

like this, and like, this would be like, bro, come on, enough. Like, she doesn't like you, dude. You know what I mean? Well, they DM me all the time. They DM me, they give me eyes emojis like they want to fuck me. You want to fuck me? Then fuck me. Get in bed with me.

Fuck me. Fuck me, Sour Patch Kids. Bend me over and fuck me. Get in bed with me. Fuck me. Fuck me, Sour Patch Kids. Bend me over and fuck me. Shit or get off the pot. That hurt my back. Yeah, that's going to set you back about a week. You're going to be paying for that one. You're going to need like an ice bath after that.

Wow. We need to simmer down. Oh, actually, you know what? I'm still hot. While I'm still hot, I'm going to go on another thing. And while I'm just yelling at people on this stupid fucking show, I got another threat. Because I guess I was told, I don't know if it's out yet,

but Casey was in the green room the other day getting makeup done for some shit. Probably just no reason. And she told me that BFS was on in there. And they were talking about the Trisha Paytas thing. Where Trisha Paytas tried to cancel me. And what? She yelled at me on fucking YouTube for a little bit? Look at me. Still here.

Oh, wait. She tried to cancel you? Literally? They couldn't figure out who I was because there wasn't no one was added in the video so there's like who's that guy in the flannel shirt fucking i'll go comment now get her fucking subscribers he's a piece of shit one of them let's get one of them viewed with trisha paytas one of the comments was outrageous like i can't i can tell just by like this man's interactions, how many women he's raped and paid off and shit is, it was over the line. I'll say it.

It was inappropriate. It was too much. It was way too much. I was trying to find it. It was like, I think, holy shit. It's like a stoolie who tweeted it at me. And I think even he was like, I don't want this on my Twitter. I'm going to delete it.

I tried to go back and find it. And it was like, I remembered who. Why? Because we're talking about how Trisha Payton is, like, an OnlyFans who, like, pees on camera for money? That's the point here. So, okay. So on BFS, they're talking about it. Dave couldn't have been less interested.

And it was, like, Brianna was trying to explain, like, what was going on. She's, like, and, you know, and you know fights is doing like his puke thing and i was like i'm sick of people i'm gonna fucking stop doing lowering the bar if people keep accusing me of fucking fake puking like by doing my puke thing do you mean vomiting it's a show where they make you eat disgusting things and i have a notably weak stomach that just fucking happens sometimes but if i keep getting accused by people at this goddamn company of fake puking i'm done with lowering the bar or you just you know you should just puke on them i'm done with it you're like oh yeah this is fake puke on your fucking desk it's on video

i'm throwing up you're fucking talking about fake puking anyway the trisha paytas thing they were describing it as i was like went over there bri was like, we were watching a video of her just doing a house tour naked. And Fudge was like doing his puke thing. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. We were not watching. I did watch the house tour. I was fine watching that.

It's a rather large woman walking around her house naked. I can watch that all day. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. When I first got over there, she was pissing into a pool into not in the pool into into a pool and she was trying to play off his squirting and as a guy who's seen a lot of fucking squirting videos i know sometimes they'll even pretend i can tell but that's piss right there but at least they'll fucking fiddle with the clit enough so it kind of sprays like a hose and you know like when you put your thumb on the end of it and then and

this one she wasn't even trying she's just like this it was this one she was just like i have a dildo on me and i'm peeing because guess what it's different holes i always i can do that yeah i was like what is this magic act but but when she was just dildo herself and just a stream of piss just coming right out of her. And I was like, that's disgusting. It's just a woman taking a piss who, you know, not my thing. That's okay. Not into the water. I didn't know exactly what I was walking into.

I didn't think it was piss play. Took me by surprise. Gag reflex a little bit. It wasn't a ton. It was just like. And it was like. And I said, you know what? Change it to the naked video. I'll watch it. Walk around an empty house naked. It wasn't a ton. It was just like... And I said, you know what? Change it to the naked video.

I'll watch her walk around an empty house naked. Fine with that. Sure. Anyway. It wasn't a fake pee. Isn't it funny how you'll watch a girl squirt, but you see her pee, and you're like... It's literally the same exact thing. Well, you can see the different hue colors. You're dehydrated. You haven't had a lot of pee-dee-light

before this shoot, have you? The real pros, they know what they're doing. Yeah, Bella's fucking beer-bonging Pedialyte before she takes a sip. Not having a sip of water like she's a politician at a podium. Man. Fights. Did you know Trisha Paytas just wants 25 bucks, by the way? She just wants Trisha Paytas to-

Oh, see, no, that's- Goddamn bitch! This goddamn bitch! She fucking said we were pirating her porn. False! We were not pirating her porn. Fucking Brianna Chicken Fry bought it for five bucks, and then called us over, and we took a peek at it.

If I fucking ranked the Avengers, and I have Kevin come over and watch the Avengers with me, he didn't pirate shit! We bought it and watched it as a group. Or company if we're talking about porn. We, as a group, we're watching you piss. There's nothing wrong with that.

She wants $25. I want a $25 refund. I didn't spend any money. Just like $25 for my hardships. The Feidelberg-Tricia Paytas feud is on, and I'll tell you what, it's great for business. Let's go. Let's go. What did she say? How long is this video?

Eight minutes. That's about seven minutes too long. That's long. Could you maybe listen while we do an ad read-in, see if anything interesting happens? Yeah. We briefly talked about it. I mean, I don't know all the... Again, it's way too long.

Like, she just goes on and on. Basically, it's just... She's mad that you guys pirated her porn. False. Which is obviously questionable to begin with. She basically... She puts the thing on. She talks briefly about puking or whatever.

She's, like, kind of, like, somewhat offended by it. But, like, more so that everyone's just watching it. And she just basically... I was offended by her pissing. Of course. I mean, I would be too John um she's gross um she basically this wants like five dollars from everybody involved and that was it it's like well you made this huge fucking video for a hundred and thirteen thousand views just so you can make $25 apparently from everyone here so we said

we'll pay you the goddamn $25 you really want it no no no no it was a click people comment section like that kid in the comments actually were like, that kid in the flannel is a piece of shit. I don't know. They didn't like me. Whatever. And also, by the way, did she show that video in this clip? Is that how they knew what I looked like? Pirated my video. I want

$25. Who can play this game, lady? I mean, I know that you are a simple man of simple delights, and I know you don't like to grudge, but you got to keep this going. This is so good for business. We got to get in like the, like, we need, you know what we need? We need to make sure that you are a topic on the BFF's rundown every day,

every episode. That will be good for business. And it is so true. That's so funny. Like, Dave will talk about anything in this world, but if it was one of us, he'd be like, I don't fucking care. You know what I mean? You doing at me?

At me next time, bitch. Yeah, let's go. While we continue to stir the pot here, if you need to get some jewelry for a loved one, go to BlueNile.com. Whether you are looking for just a little gift, a birthday, an anniversary, a little token of sorts. It's my birthday coming up. Maybe you could get me a nice bracelet or something. I know it's your birthday, Kevin.

Get me some Blue Nile. Oh, you want me to get you diamonds? Get me diamonds, yes. something. I know it's your birthday, Kevin. Get me some blue Nile. Oh, you want me to get you diamonds? Get me diamonds, yes. Sure. I mean, we're probably close to the diamond anniversary. We really gotta be. At this point, we should just propose. We should just be life partners. Platonic life partners. What was the first case you were in? 2013? 12, I think.

12? So what's the 9-year anniversary thing? Let's see. I mean, 10, we can round up to 10. Who knows if we're going to make it another year. 10? 10 is 10. Oh, boy. See, you know what?

I know that because of New Girl. That's it. They're smart at like, you know, 25. You got to really make it a long time before you get a good. You know who made that list is a man. You know what I mean? Like, girls would have been like, it's our two-year anniversary, that's platinum diamonds. Nine-year anniversary is pottery.

So make me something like Seth Rogen. Make me a pot. Goddamn asshole. How about this? I'll let you off the hook with Play-Doh. Make me a Play-Doh thing. Make me something out of Play-Doh. I want something

out of Play-Doh. Okay. I want two Play-Doh. I want something out of Play-Doh. Okay. I want two Play-Doh. Deal, deal. I'll fucking have a full Play-Doh. You have to play Christy Mack afterwards. Can I just get you some Blue Nile? Blue Nile has the best.

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to touch it, or see it, or whatever. It's like, if I can buy a goddamn diamond online, then you can buy absolutely anything. I know you're talking to me right now and I accept it. Yes. And you know, I'm working on making changes. In fact, blue.com promo code KFC

get 50 bucks off any order of $500 or more. It's blue.com promo code KFC. I got my full wish my wish order in today. What does that mean? Me and Nick spent like $300 on wish. Yeah, I got it all in today. I was wearing a t-shirt today.

Show the people your Taylor Swift t-shirt. Oh, yeah. This is my new Taylor Swift t-shirt. It's fucking awesome. I don't even like Taylor Swift, and I like that t-shirt. We're selling it on Barstool Sports. Go get the premier Taylor Swift merchandise at BarstoolSports.com. I was like, hey, could we make a 90s-themed Taylor Swift shirt?

They're like, should we ask her? I'm like, no, I know the answer to that one. Why don't we just make it? I love, should we ask her? As if we can pick up the that one. Why don't we just make it? I love, should we ask her? As if we can pick up the phone like, hey, Taylor, is that you? Yeah, if you want to shoot her a text, you can do it, but let's not bother her. I need you to beef with Taylor and Trisha. Get those two girls on your case.

Downloads from the fucking roof, John. Yeah, the Taylor Swift shirt might be a short-lived one, but then it makes it a collector's item. Yeah, right. You know what? It's not on sale yet. Maybe we'll put it on sale tomorrow then it makes it a collector's item. Yeah, right. You know what? It's not on sale yet. Maybe we'll put it on sale tomorrow. We'll see. Taylor's going to cancel these shirts.

Get them while you can. Well, Taylor tried to... God damn it. Do you remember when canceling was funny? Remember when we thought it was a funny term? It was like, you're canceled. It was like, any time somebody opens it, you're canceled. We had a segment, the cancel of the week. We used to have fun with it when you could cancel dead people and it was a funny term. It was like, you're canceled. It was like, any time somebody opened it, you're canceled. We had a segment, the cancel of the week.

We used to have fun with it when you could cancel dead people, and it was a joke and not real. And canceling was a funny thing where it was almost like when you hit someone with the crying Jordan meme. It was like, you're canceled. It's like, no, no, no. Now you're double canceled. It was like, you can't triple stamp, double stamp. You can't double stamp, double cancel. It was fun.

It was fun for a while. Then it became like a legitimate, like a legitimate debate, debate to be had. And now it's just like, what are we talking about? Shut the fuck up. Both sides.

You're a little bit wrong. I'm a little bit wrong. Just shut the fuck up about it. Hashtag cancel, cancel culture. That's crazy. But now I do get a kick out of like, we need,

we need like hashtag cancel, cancel, cancel culture. How many, we need, like, hashtag cancel, cancel, cancel culture. How many? We need to cancel, cancel, cancel culture. No, no, no. We're keeping cancel culture. Cancel, cancel, cancel culture. The rare quadruple negative. What was I going to say, though, before all that?

Sorry. Oh, yeah, the Wish shirt. We got a bunch of them. The 5XL shirt we got only fits Vibs. What? It's just like it's so small. It doesn't. 5XL like for toddlers or something like that?

I bought it for men, but it just, that's how, when you buy on Wish, you really, you're throwing a penny in the fountain. I almost think that's almost, that's comedic genius. Like I feel like someone was like you think anybody ever orders five xls because i've never even seen that right no and then i i feel like they made it and they were like if anyone ever orders this let's send them us like an extra small just to be like who orders a five xl it's also just not cut to fit like a human body like it just kind of

like hangs weird but the one i was wearing It just hangs weird. But I was wearing one that's not for humans. I was wearing one that says I think it's I am a dad, a grandfather, a firefighter,

and nothing scares me. And then it's got a fist pump. Yeah, that was you ordered that last time with the baby. It's the same one, but I came in today. Oh, God.

Things take forever. But I wore it for like an hour this morning. Oh, got it. Things take forever. Yeah, yeah, okay. But I wore it for like an hour this morning when I first got in, and I think I got mesothelioma. Like, I think I like started itching, and it's like hard to breathe. It's like, you look at the tag, it says 96% asbestos. They must have been paying attention to these late night commercials. Oh, god damn it. If you or someone you love was at the World Trade Center or ordered from Wish.com, you may be entitled to family benefits.

It did have green dust on it. And I was like, I either have COVID or this shirt just poisoned me. Poisoned the shirt. Oh, my God. This shirt just poisoned me. Poisoned the shirt. Oh my god. I feel like I'm a spectator on this show today. I feel like I'm a listener. I'm just sitting here letting John rip, man.

Keep it going. Holy shit, you're on one today, man. I thought of something philosophical today. Oh, Jesus Christ. This should be good. Huh? I gotta let that one play out more. There's not enough there yet. Blake did send me a picture of his dick.

The Fyndom guy sent you a picture of his dick? I'd say it's played out sufficiently enough for a fucking podcast segment, John. I texted Asli about it. I went, I think this has gone too far and Asli goes, stop being a pussy. I love Asli.

Tell the story. Set the scene. Stop being a pussy. I got a DM. I might have to call her. Set the scene we gotta stop being a i gotta dm i might have to call her set the scene all right i gotta dm from like i don't know some random person on on instagram and uh he was like he was like uh he's like would you i'm not fucking read it what is it i'm not gonna say his name or anything obviously but um and we were like we, yeah, this is great content. So he goes, he said earlier, now you're hot as fuck.

If you ever need a gay friend, I'm your guy. Don't let those straights confuse you. And I was like, I feel like you're the confusing one, brother. And then months, months later, I got one. It said, IDK if you know Fyndom. Essentially, I pay you to make fun of me and be mean. Would you be down? I said, how much do you pay?

Fair question, I thought. He said, $100. I use Venmo. What's your app? I said, $100 per blitting or total, you cheap bitch. You should have said, that one's for free. He said, per blitting. I went, deal.

So he texted me like a couple of times, and it was just like, I don't know. It's not like it's the idea. So so he texted like a couple of times and it was just like i don't know it's not like it's the idea you engaged in a couple times yeah what is it and and what did you say the like it was like like honestly nothing like it's not like what were your insults like like boring things like i don't think you don't have to be subconscious about it i just know i'm like looking at them because like this is more like i never did it with the uh like in dms so i don't have them what are you guys texting yeah oh no what this is the well the text i deleted because it's a picture of his dick and i was like not interested but he was like it would they weren't like it wasn't anything it wasn't fun anymore actually it was fun to like get in the idea of it yeah i gotta be honest stop being a pussy then it was like i meant to be fun it's a business john yeah like i don't i don't need

a like a fucking 100 bucks once a week okay you know what pass it over okay i will i will business referral i will absolutely because he actually asked for referrals i gave him pat no no i mean he asked for everyone's got their hands he asked for it it stops being fun really fast once it gets real it's like oh this is funny ha ha ha and then it's like you actually you got a fucking dick on your phone you're like so you insult him and he sends you his hands his cock he said he just sends a picture of his dick and went make fun of this and i was like so now you gotta like look at his i was like this i'll be honest i'll do it but i do understand where you're like i can't it's not too far for me i can understand why it's too far for some i'll be like uh it's it's three three different colors

i think i said i think what i said was i didn't even notice your dick because how ugly your feet are or something like that that's funny, I get a kick out of that. That sounds very funny to me. We were doing it at the bar. I was passing it around at the bar with everyone. I was like, what do you think about this? What do you think about this? And that was the night I texted the host. I was like, I think this just crossed the line a little bit. I thought I was signing up

for something kind of funny, like a podcast segment. And now I'm just like, I don't know. This has gone too far. That was the Betsy. Well, how did we get here? What was I even going to say? Oh, man. That was philosophical stuff.

Oh, yeah. Totally different. All right. Change course real quick. If you're not watching on YouTube, this man just did a steering wheel. That's like the stanza. Johnson. We got my big dog with the gross feet and tiny dick over here to be getting philosophical.

You got to watch the show. I wrote this down this morning. I'm such a goddamn asshole. I think this is philosophical. I'm such a goddamn asshole. I think this is philosophical. I almost want to read this. This is the stupidest thing in the world. Really? Even by your standards? There's always

toothpaste left in the tube if you need it. That's a factual statement! That's a factual statement! You think the tube's empty but if you squeeze hard enough there's always toothpaste sucked in the tube if you need it and you can apply that to life i i i i you should never have even set this up as it's stupid it makes perfect sense it's a great philosophical statement needed there's always. I've been out of toothpaste for a week now. John. Guess what?

Brush my teeth every night and morning. John. Could not agree, subscribe, and believe in this more. And forget about squeezing. Because you can squeeze. You can squeeze. And this also goes back to men and women. I've been beating this drum forever.

Girls get in there with their fucking toothpaste tube and they just go. And they just squeeze this thing like they're squeezing a dick. You're supposed to squeeze from the goddamn bottom and then just work your way up. And then so you can squeeze and then you can even roll. And then if you're really poor I twist. But then when you're

really, really poor, you cut it you can open it up and you can scrape the inside of it. If you put your mind to it, you can get like a month's worth of toothpaste out when most people would throw it in the garbage. If you need toothpaste, it's always in the tube. There's always money in the banana stand. There's always toothpaste in the tube. If you need it, it's there. I totally agree man it's like like like like um a a parallel but also

like the opposite in a weird way is the deodorant where you know you you you use it you're like oh this is done you throw it in the garbage you come home you didn't go to the store to get any more deodorant you grab it out of the garbage and you can put some more on but then when the deodorant's out the deodorant's out you're scraping it on's out. You're scratching yourself. You're scraping it on and you're like, oh, I won't sweat today because I'll just be bleeding out of my armpits. It's then gone. The toothpaste, I'd argue, maybe it never stops. I think there's someone like big toothpaste comes in the middle of the night

and just like squirts a little bit more. It refills it. You can get at least a couple bristles inside the top. Yeah. And then you can squeeze a little bit and scrape a little bit. And you're like, all right, that's enough for a brush. Yes. Yeah.

It might not be perfect, but you can clean a couple teeth. That'll get me through the day today. I also kind of believe in the same thing until recently. That dumb bitch Casey, I grabbed. She had a chapstick-like little tub. Opened it up. Completely empty. I've never seen someone finish a chapstick or a chapstick tube. Never used chapstick like um little tub opened it up completely empty i've never seen someone finish

a chapstick or a chapstick tube never use chapstick yeah i mean you're not a human don't use it because i don't need it because i don't use it that's just not how it works well i'm if i'm a science experiment i'm proving my own you are you are a science experiment because you are a fucking freak of nature hypothesis true yeah you're a freak of nature now it's become a thesis I don't think anybody

has ever finished it I've never used it it's not yes you guys are just blessed where you don't have to deal with chap lips it's not because you don't use it

that you don't get it it's just that you don't get chap lips I hate you goddamn bitch you goddamn bitch I hate you so much do that again do that again see what happens I'm gonna fucking punch I hate you. Goddamn bitch. You goddamn bitch. I hate you so much. Do that again.

Do that again. See what happens. I'm going to fucking punch you. I'm going to be like that guy in the bathroom. I'm going to smack you and punch you. I've never seen someone with like specifically hers was like the one where you like, you know, get with your finger out of the tub. I've never seen someone with like the black stick of chapstick, like open it up and twist it and be like, it's all gone.

It's all gone. There's always some chapstick left. There's always toothpaste in the tooth, in the toothpaste tube. There's always toothpaste. I honestly, that is. Even Zach's not,

Zach hates us. I know, Zach thinks I'm stupid. And he knows that one's right. Zach's always rolling his eyes. He's even like, I can't believe. These guys are making some sense today. You, you, you didn't have enough confidence.

It's lying, brother. You were like making fun of that. And that was well, to be fair, if I had, if I had fucking delivered that, like I was delivering fucking equals MC squared, you'd be like, all right, this guy's taking himself a little seriously here. I understand, but also, I think there are people out there who'd be like, wow, you're goddamn right. There's always toothpaste in the tube when you need it.

And that can apply literally, figuratively. It can apply to love. It can apply to business. It can apply to your own makeup. I mean, dig deep, and there's always toothpaste in the tube. Rise and grindin'. Yeah. If you need money, you can get it today.

Absolutely, man. If you need toothpaste, you can get it today. It really is true. It's like if you are motivated the right way, you will find, you know, like if you're homeless, if you're starving, you'll find some food. You know, if you need money for your last meal, you'll a crack addict finds his crack you know what i mean watch how motivated a crack addict is to find that rock he'll move mountains you know if you need the toothpaste you will get that toothpaste and it actually ties in nicely i've got a cavity john oh i have none

i've got a cavity and i you went to the dentist? No, I just know I do. It's hurting me. And I think I can just flat out see it. And I'm distraught. Austin says she's not around right now. What are you doing? Giving birth? I haven't had a cavity in 25.

I've only had one cavity in my whole life. And I think I'm the last person in the world to get a silver filling. Is that it? Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm too old, too young. I don't know, whatever, for a silver cavity. I don't think so. I have some.

Yeah? I think so. Oh, my God. I have a lot of cavities. I don't think I have cavities. Your entire bottom row is cavities. Yeah. So don't look at me like I have a lot of cavities. I don't think I have cavities anymore. Your entire bottom row is cavities. So don't look at me like I have none. Because you can't have any more cavities because they're all metal.

That was just a joke that I haven't been to the dentist. Oh, yeah. I don't mean like, yeah, I saw a doctor yesterday. He says I'm great. That's what I'm afraid of. So I'm almost positive I have one. Because this hurts more than it's ever hurt. And it's lasting longer.

And like I said, I think I can see it. And now I'm going to have to go and I think they're going to be like okay well there's a cavity here and then like all these other teeth have like problems and diseases you know so I want I think I just need you to rip this tooth out for me

and I was like how'd it go and he went oh it went great and I was like oh no cavities he went oh no tongues he's like it was just fun I think Ron said he had like oh, no cavities? He went, oh, no, tons. He's like, it was just fun. I think Ron said he had like four or five cavities. Oh, all right. That makes me feel better because I feel like I feel almost, you know. I don't know if Ron wants me to share.

I might have just violated HIPAA law. Well, that's what I mean because I feel like it's pretty. I never swore at HIPAA law, so I can't violate it. You know, it's another philosophical rule right there. I didn'tAA oath, so I can't violate it. You know? It's on their philosophical rule right there. I didn't swear that oath. I didn't take your oath. People on the internet love saying that.

Whenever you divulge a little bit of medical information, they're like, you violated the HIPAA oath. I didn't take the HIPAA oath, so I didn't violate it. I'm not a healthcare worker, bro. I feel like I'm like, oh, that's disgusting. I have a cavity. My mouth is decaying. I feel like you're gross if you have a cavity.

Ah, I've had cavities my whole life. It doesn't even phase me anymore. All right. If it's good enough for this cabbage patch, baby, it's good enough for me. Whatever. Yeah. I mean, I was born without enamel, so I was just getting cavities. I mean, I was having a sip of juice as a kid and getting cavity.

Is that a true statement? You were born without enamel? Yeah, my baby teeth. My adult teeth have it. My baby teeth didn't have enamel. You're like a science experiment. You're like a man-bear pig. I had like most of my baby teeth ripped out of my head.

By a doctor. By a doctor. Goddamn. You're such a fucking idiot. Smart one though. You're such a fucking idiot. Smart one, though. You're a smart idiot. Smart enough that you should get yourself a P-Touch label maker.

And you can label, like, in your bathroom. Toothpaste. Deodorant. Here's the chapstick I don't use. Here's the deodorant I don't use. Here's the shampoo I don't use. Here's the face wash I don't use. Here's the towels I don't use.

You just don't use anything in the normal bathroom scene. I live low-key, Kevin. I'm the most low-maintenance motherfucker on this planet. I was going to say maintenance. You are no maintenance, bro. No maintenance whatsoever. But at the same time, you're like a car that needs, like, no maintenance, but also is eventually just going to, like, collapse and stop working. Is it?

No, you know what you are? You're a tube of toothpaste. No, you know what you are? You're a tube of toothpaste. Yeah, that's true. First of all, literally, you're just lumpy. And then when we need to, we can squeeze it out of you. When you need it, I'm here.

If you don't need me. But the same way you would look at a pretty empty tube, you look at it and you'd be like, we're not going to get much out of this. We have to get something accomplished. Me in this tube, it's not going to happen. And then the lights are on, the cameras are on, the mics are on. We squeeze it out of you.

There's always some Fidelberg left in the tube, you know. But no maintenance, low maintenance, high maintenance. If you've got food that you need to organize in your pantry or toiletries in the bathroom or tools in the garage or clothes in the closet, anything you can label makes your life that much easier. You don't have to remember where things are. You don't have to organize every single time. You just know exactly where to put things. You know exactly where to find them. you know the kids will know the the people come over your house will know you don't need people being like where do you keep the where do you keep the this so

where do you keep the that everything's all set organized all the time it makes your life that much it's it's actually this this label maker is not even about the product or the labels it's about this is mental health basically this is like is like, I think, I feel like, you know, dumbass Bailey being like, make your bed. I think like, I think like, forget that advice. Label, label your life. Label your house. Label your, your everything.

And you will be at peace because everything is organized, clean and neat. And you can all, you can do it all at your own home with just the touch of a figure. So get the P-Touch Pro Label Maker only from Brother. For details, visit P-Touch Pro by Brother. That's P-Touch Pro by Brother. The bed baking is such garbage.

I like baby. It is. As someone who has been making their bed for six months, I told him this the other day. It doesn't work. It hasn't done anything for me. But then he moves to the goalpost. And then he's like, well, if you hadn't been doing it, you'd have killed yourself by now. I was like, all right, that's a fair, well, touche.

But I don't think I would have because I think I'd still be a pussy. I think that there are certain things. Isiley irish bailey carlin that's got to sound i would guess there's some irish in there he's got to be the most like non-irish irish guy i've ever seen you know because i think that for a lot of people making the bed probably works for the irish people who like us or you know who are impervious to psychoanalysis. I don't think that works. I think there are some people, some cultures,

who are like, they make the bed and they're like, huh, you know what? I accomplished something. And that means I can go to work and accomplish this and I can go on a date

and accomplish that. And it all started from this bed. And I think us, we're like, I'm just going to get back in that thing later and tear it up who fucking cares I don't make it who fucking cares I'm not even going to remember getting in there later

I'm going to piss in this thing later who cares if the corners are nice I'm going to pee on it I'm going to turn it into a toilet later although I do I will admit this that like it doesn't take a lot for me to feel accomplished. I mean, the bar is certainly pretty low. I'll send an email.

Yeah. Oh, I'm done for the day. That was a good Tuesday. I'm done for the day. That was, I really, like, I've been doing it lately because of taxes and all that shit. Oh, fuck. And like, just kind of trying to get things in order. Yeah.

And I'll get one email in and be like all right time to turn it on the days where yeah or the opposite too like um when i see that i have like one thing on the calendar i'm like oh just fucking oh yeah what am i gonna do i'll check people are like you want to get a drink later i I'm like, I got to make a phone call. No, I'm sorry. I can't. Bro, I woke up yesterday morning and saw my first activity that I had. And it was on my Google calendar.

It was a comedy show at 8.30 last night. And I went, not going to happen today. I didn't go. Just ate four tickets. Too much. Too much too early. I was like, Jesus Christ, who did I think I was? And then how can you possibly make your bed when you got to go to a comedy show at 830?

There's some things you just can't do. But also the two women in my life know that it's a Herculean effort even to make that phone call and that email. So last Friday, I must have done a couple of tax things last Thursday, and I talked to my mom Friday morning. I talked to my therapist Friday afternoon, and I was like, yeah, I talked to my accountant, and I talked to someone at work in HR. I talked to HR, and I was like HR. I actually got my W-2. The accountant is ready for me. They were both like, congratulations.

I'm really proud of you. I was like, I'm not a fucking three-year-old. I don't need your... No, no, no. You earned it. You deserve it. My mom was like, yeah, I know, whatever. My therapist was like, we need to work on you accepting compliments.

I was like, I need to work on being an adult because if these are fucking compliments, then I'm a fucking. These are achievements. I'm at best an eight-year-old at recess. Congratulations on the email. Stop putting yourself down like that. I'm like, I deserve it, okay? Why don't you stop setting the bar so low? Why don't you have some goddamn expectations of me, lady?

This is the tour de force of podcasting right here, folks. You're witnessing greatness. You're witnessing fucking greatness. I mean, I sent an email. It's a step above wiping my ass. And she wanted to throw a motherfucking parade for me. Like, what's your atmosphere? Bottles.

I'm sending you an edible bouquet. The bar is so incredibly low. It's bad when other people know the bar is low. You set the bar low for yourself, but when other people know, you're like, wow. Great work. What have we got? Am I the asshole?

And then voicemails? Oh, I got a rant real quick too i um i'm just sick and goddamn tired of people supporting crystalia i don't think i can handle this i don't think i can handle this this fucking guy and all his goddamn fans and all their goddamn support now he gets hit with another charge, this girl being like, I was 17, and he fucked me and sent hundreds of pictures and videos. And it's still just goddamn Chris D'Elia fans. Life rips, bro. Life rips.

We're so happy to have you back. I mean, what does it take? What's it going to take? I think Chris D'Elia could fucking kill somebody, and his dumbass fans would just be like, when's the podcast coming back, bro? Appreciate you. Preach, bro. Preach.

All their dumb fucking phrases. You silly goose. Shut the fuck up and just talk shit about this man on the internet. Grow up. You know what it is? It's these fucking Bieber fans. They're the children. Wait.

These Bieber's favorite comedian. He said that. He was at the Bieber roast. He was part of the roast. And Bieber was like, Chris D'Elia is my favorite comedian. So all the Beliebers are now. He's just got a cult of Bieber fans. That's nice.

Yeah, I get the Bieber cosign is awesome. You can literally fucking rape people and they don't care. You get the Beliebers on you to the top. It does not matter what you do. People still like you. Believer fans just fucking walk into Hillsong with fucking Crystalia playing on their iPods and walk out. Like, we love both these things. Well, I got it.

Babies, babies, babies. both these things are good I'm sorry yes more of these please D'Leo posted a video on his Instagram it was just him talking to I think

his mother who was babysitting his kid she couldn't figure out how to open up like a sippy cup top that was it and people were just like so happy to have you back man this is crazy i was like what is going on how come you're not just riddled with comments about you being a rapist yeah that's how the internet like almost like with tommy smokes it's driving barstool, where it's like, this is not how it's supposed to work.

This is supposed to be a mean and judgmental place. And you're not getting any of it, and you're one of the people who deserves it. What's going on here? I can't post a picture of myself being happy without getting shit on, and I have zero pending legal cases. Exactly.

Exactly. What's that, a smile, you fat fuck? Alright, man. Seeing my mom for the first time today. Fuck you, kill yourself. Got a smile, you fat ass. Alright, am I the asshole? Who's it brought to you by? Tell me.

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Emma the Asshole, what do we got? I'll go with the first one here. Okay. Let's see. Where is it? Two seconds. Bang, bang, bang. I have the stupidest setup on my phone.

First of all, I'm'm one of those fucking assholes I don't know if you are too, probably Who don't make groups for their things So I just have like six pages Yeah, me too But I have three pages in a row I have ones that aren't even full I have pages that aren't even full

You know what I mean? Mine are all full My first one just has space It's just great The people who organize them all Like, I kind of just, yeah, they're all, mine are all full. Like that, like my first one just has space. Oh, yeah, my first one's not full either. It's just crazy. My first one's factory settings. The people who organize them all, it's crazy. But I have four pages in a row where in like the same spot or at least one square away,

one icon away, it's an orange thing. So I, and they're all, all of them are things I use. Well, not Fandango anymore because movie theaters aren't open. But it goes Fandango, PageOver, Reddit, PageOver, Fire TV. Here's my remote. PageOver, Authenticator. So I really just use the Fire TV and Reddit. No, but you know what? Have you noticed that there's like three app logo designs total?

Oh, yeah. Like there's a bunch of blue ones with white, like a white C for Chase, for Coinbase, for Concur. Concur. I don't use that, though. Zoom, PayPal, Twitter, all of these. Zillow. I don't know why I have Zillow. The app store, the mail logo.

It's just blue with white writing. And then there's a bunch of purple ones. How about Amazon? There's the Amazon Hitler one. That was crazy. Why'd they even change? That's crazy town. I think it's crazy to see

a blue tape and go, that's a Hitler. Same thing with me. That's a bit of a stretch, I feel like. The Kevin Clancy thing, it was a little chalk outline of a person. They're like, that's a swastika. I was like, I don't know.

What? I don't know, Hitler. You see fucking swastikas everywhere you look. Like, it was a little stick figure man. And that logo was designed by literally the nicest human I've ever come across. He's this kid who does art. His name's James. Here's how nice he was.

I said, how much do you want for this? I want to do the logo. Yeah, that's the swastika. That's a swastika? It's clearly a person being pulled up. Right. And I mean, like, yes, if you really want to break it down, it's like I can understand the idea where, likeika it's a clearly a person right and i mean like yes if you really want to break it down it's like i can understand the idea where like it's not they're not wildly

different my point is just that i look at that and i'm like it's a it's a ufo and it's abducting someone so that's a person i just don't see a goddamn swastika there but the kid who designed it i said how much for this logo and he said said, you know what? I work with shelters and stuff. I think it was either for humans or people or pets. He's like, just make a donation to this. We'll pay it forward. If that guy doesn't see a swastika,

he's the nicest kid in the world. He's not drawing swastikas. You know what I mean? Get the fuck out of here. But anywho, to the M.I. the Asshole. The M.I. the Asshole. M.I. the Asshole Alright The M.I. the Asshole M.I. the Asshole For being upset At my significant other

For being friendly With my high school bully I'm a 26 year old male And my girlfriend Is a 26 year old female We met in high school We became really good friends She was basically

My only friend in school And decided to go To the same university So we wouldn't drift apart When we were in university I finally asked her out We started dating since That's weird This whole thing's weird the whole thing's weird already

to sum up my time in high school it was an awful time i was very lonely introverted this is the girl talking no the man okay um it was an awful time i was very lonely introverted and quiet both in high and middle schools so i was prone to getting bullied i was heavily bullied by this guy let's call him lewis and his group of friends we would poke fun at my he would poke for my eye condition intentionally embarrass me and make me uncomfortable in front of everyone call me all kinds of names and just make made me light made my made my life in school hell this was majorly traumatizing because school was supposed to be a safe place for me did he not go to school in america um because i was getting they're the most dangerous places bro uh he gets say university, right?

No, but he said high and middle school. University is high school, I think. Right, right. Or la universidad. I don't know. No, colegio is high school. University is university. Okay.

Anyway, but also I made my smart-ass comment before the comment when I should have waited because I was getting emotionally abused by a shitty family at home I apologize but he ruined any chances of being safe place by making every day horrible my girlfriend was aware of the bullying situation at the time

we became close to friends she always comforted me about it sympathized with me when I vented about it she agreed that they were cruel for no reason I didn't deserve it at all told me she hated them for hurting me like that fast forward to now and when the problem actually is. We were together walking the dog, and I told her I'd jog to a nearby store real quick, pick up six cigarettes, and come back. Preposterous that guy's a smoker.

Yeah. I don't know why. He sounds like a pussy all around. Well, that's what I mean. In high school, the fucking weirdos were smoking. While she stayed at the park. When I was walking back, I noticed her talking to someone at a distance. She seemed to be all cheerful and laughing. They talked for a bit

and he walked away in the opposite direction. So I came up to her and asked her what was up. She nonchalantly smiled and said it was Lewis from high school. My heart sank, not going to lie. I awkwardly chuckled and said, whoa, you were seriously that happy to talk to that guy? She said, sure. I told her, you do remember he was that person that made my life a living hell in high school, right? me yeah i remember but i'm sure he's

and and seems really sweet jesus come on don't be like that i got pretty mad at that point didn't say anything she noticed the awkward signs said oh dude come on do you seriously still have a grudge against him i thought he'd get over it right now holy shit that felt like a knife through my stomach it's not that fucking easy to get over years of trauma that sabotaged my self-esteem and confidence it was so hurtful to you blah blah blah blah i don't hate the guy he's friends all his time am i the asshole for this i think i'm totally on this guy's side oh i couldn't disagree more i i i think i think that's a good just a matter of loyalty yeah i don't i don't care i guess i'm illoyal disloyal disloyal is the word you're a disloyalist i'm dis it is. I'm disloyal as fuck, dude.

I'm loyal to non-awkward confrontations. Like, I've done, like, that, like, with a girl to, like... I'm not saying she's got to, like, fight him, but she could just be like, yeah, like, whatever, dude. Keep moving. Like, to me, that sounds like she clearly was like,

ah, ha, ha, like, touching him and laughing. See, I think that's probably some fucking mental dysmorphia shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, I've dated girls who are like, oh, this girl I hate that's probably some fucking mental dysmorphia yeah yeah yeah but like if I've dated girls who are like oh this girl I hate

is going to be at this party she's the fucking worst and I'll talk to her and she'll be like hi nice to meet you I'll be like oh what's up girl and we'll talk and laugh

and if she wanted to we could probably fuck I do and I'd be like I'd be like look it was she was nice to me I'm not going to just like

motherfuck someone to their face because like I don't know you guys didn't get along 10 years ago, but well, okay.

I do think there's a big difference if it's, that's why I asked if it was the guy or the girl talking because girls can sometimes have these grudges with other girls that it's just like, I don't know. You were jealous. She was jealous at one point. Like not that big of a deal guys. I feel like if,

cause we don't really hold grudges. We let shit go. If you do have a grudge, I feel like it's, it's a good reason. And in this case, it sounds like this guy like fucked him up. Like, go if you do have a grudge i feel like it's it's a good reason and in this case it sounds like this guy like fucked him up like like if you're one of those like bad bullies you're not forgetting that anytime soon you know what i mean and and i just don't think you need to i think it's different that she experienced it like she was like if i didn't

go to your high school i'd be like all right whatever graduating dude 100 but like this was like you knew that like my dad was like beating me and then i got bullied at school and you helped me through all that and knew that and then you ran into that guy and you were just like i don't know i'm not expecting her to like blow him off or spit in his face or something but if there really was like some sort of huge friendly exchange actually i will say this i don't think that he really has like it's a it's a little if that was me i would probably preface it as like i know this is silly but like that hurt like that that spot i can't let go of that like it's hurting my feelings and i and i'm just it's like bothering me you know what i mean like let's talk about it or whatever but i i don't think you have to like i think it is a little silly but i think it's kind of

justified in a way yeah i mean again i didn't witness it i don't – I think it is a little silly, but I think it's kind of justified in a way. Yeah. I mean, again, I didn't witness it. I don't know how bad it is. But like in my high school, I don't think there was a bully. Guess what? It was you. No. It was such a small school that like –

If you can't spot the bully, it's you. No. The bully was the thespians. The bully was the drama club. They were so fucking mean, man. The lead in the musical. They just wouldn't talk to anybody. They were like the athletes and the nerds and the fucking Koreans and the Japanese.

We were all friends. The Japanese, me and the Koreans were tight as hell. Tight as hell. Not the Japanese. There weren't many Japanese kids there. But there was actually – Good for you guys for even segregating those two. I'd be like, those are the Asians.

Actually, one of the kids who I was friends with worked in our old building. And one day we were riding the elevator and he was like, Oh, yeah. And I was like, Suhyuk, what's up, baby? Suhyuk Choi, he was the man dude and hey june oh hey june lee was my guy we'd always sing to him hey june i bet you did i'm sure he loved that real classic hey june had a little bit of a temper problem did not care for that song um but like and we were just friends with everybody except the drama club the drama club we're just mean with everybody except the drama club the drama club were just mean motherfuckers

and one of them got arrested for downloading stuff on Napster like one of the 100 kids in the country he definitely got arrested I don't think he went to jail or anything but I think he got in legitimate trouble at the very least you gotta pay like $50,000 legal fees I think it set him back for a little while

but but $50,000 is legal for you. Yeah. You know? It was, I think it set him back for a little while. But, God, where was I? But, yeah, like, it was just a small school. So, like, everyone was just, like, not everyone was best friends, but everyone was, like, we knew everyone's name. It was like, what's up, man? So, like, I'd never really experienced, like, bullying, bullying, I don't think. So, I guess I wouldn't, like, I just associate everything with television.

So, I've never seen, like, a TV bully. Yeah, you never you never got like swirlies and shoves in a locker right but i i do feel like it it's anything in relationships sometimes is like irrational where it's like yeah i know you're like not cheating on me but like it i'm just being honest like it you know it eats away at me when you do this because it makes me feel like that so i think i'd be like yeah i'm not expecting you to like not talk to someone on like my behalf but i wish i didn't witness it i saw it it's bothering me now but we like we glossed over that whole like i we went to school together to like protect me and like keep me happy or whatever no it was just a drift apart which is for like a guy and a girl friends to do that and then like that means like she applied to school somewhere got in and he like followed yeah and like you've been like chasing this girl around

the country and then she eventually like broke and started dating you know yeah this is a weird it's not the greatest relationship i don't think right like uh it's not good bro like sandra bullock said in speed that uh relationship born out of like born out of trauma don't last. This was born out of some trauma. I think she's keeping the dog, dude. I bet at the end of this, she gets that dog. You go back to smoking cigarettes and hiding from Louis.

That guy ripped cigs. It's crazy. I bet he was thinking about stereotypes. I bet he had the fucking punk hair and he just like wore shirts that said, I'm not different. You're all just the same, which is the exact definition of fucking different. This is just a shirt someone wore in elementary school. It really pissed me off. She went on to play high school football.

That sentence says it all. Yeah, she was... I didn't really talk to her. She didn't talk to anybody. But she watched it all the time, and I was just like, I was in like fourth grade, and I was like...

Did she beat you up? She could have if she wanted to. Hell yeah, she could have. But there's always remember that shirt and how much it pissed me off. It was completely illogical. You stop and conform! You're holding a grudge. You're holding a grudge.

You're holding a grudge. If I was chopping it up with her, talking about her cool shirt, what would you think about that, John? I'd be like, what up? You were a punter. Well, what's the next one? Okay, this one, this one is gold. This one is a gem.

We're a week late on this one. This is one of the more more this is an irrational thought i hope that he wins me over though am i the asshole for asking my wife to poop earlier in the day so we can enjoy our evenings together uninterrupted i work at yes i work at a job that keeps me home, away from home, for long hours. My wife is currently not working and stays home. I love spending time with her in the evenings, but we often will be watching slash doing slash

playing something, and she will have to leave the room to go to the bathroom for 30 plus minutes. As you can imagine, this can be quite annoying. I understand that you can't always control when nature calls, but it's sometimes every single night of the week. Last night we had 10 minutes left in our movie, and she told me to press pause and didn't come back for 40 minutes.

I was pretty annoyed. So when she came back, I asked her if she could try pooping earlier in the day so we could spend more time together in the week. She started laughing and asked me if I was serious. I told her that I was, and she told me she can't control when she has to go. Now, I don't know if that's really true. I have pooped every morning when I wake up for as long as I can remember. It's not like I never have to poop at other times, but that's not the norm. I know that it's different. I know everyone is different, but it's kind of frustrating for me that she won't even try. I asked some guys in the office

today and all of them said I was an asshole for asking this, but I really don't think I am. It's not like I'm asking her to do something I wouldn't do for her or something that's really unreasonable. If she tried and wasn't able to do it, I'd be okay with that. I like to think I'm a pretty reasonable guy. I don't need dinner to be ready when I come home. I don't care if there are dishes in the sink. I don't care about any of that. I just want to spend as much time with my wife as possible.

This guy. This guy. First of all, who wants to spend time with their wife? That's the biggest red flag I've ever heard of in my life. The problem here... The problem here is not

that your wife poops every night. It's that she shits for 40 minutes. Well, hang on. As someone who shits for like 40 minutes... You're a 40 minute shitter i'm in there you also shit once a week so you get yeah well i i i am not like this guy where it looks like i wake up and poop like no we need that that's not i would hate that start off your morning wiping your ass full of shit talk about start you know make your bed and feel good in the morning how

about you don't shit i'm like whatever it happens it happens but actually that's not true if it happens at an opportune time i just don't yeah i was gonna say the people who are like scheduled clockwork freak me out and the people who are like i can't control this i go when i go it's like i don't know can't you just like think about it like i'm not gonna show you i'll just fucking reverse eat it for a week just chill just clench a little bit and it just lodges onto the wall of your colon and sits there for an extra 10 days. It's fucking easy. You miss your window like Kramer. It's fine.

I'm sure it's a carcinogen. I will. Definitely. It's probably unhealthy. There's a proctologist listening to this being like, just fucking licking his chops. I am getting a new car for this kid. Will we have colostomy bags soon? Sure.

But right now, I also don't poop at inopportune times. Right. And when I go to the bathroom, I do everything in the bathroom. So it's like I'm in there for 40 minutes. The car wash. You're showering. You're shaving. You're brushing.

You're pooping. Because I can fucking just zone it all into a time. And I'm like, when I'm in that room, I'll do everything I need to do in that room. So that's why I'm 40 minutes. I'll take a shit. So that's different. I'll fucking so that's different i'll jump in the shower if you are sitting on the toilet just pooping for like you you have to admit asking someone to stop a movie with 10 minutes to go and coming back nearly an hour later is highly highly rude it's it's i'm glad you used the word. Very inconsiderate. I thought you were going to say something like inconvenient, whatever.

I was going to say it's downright rude. It is rude. There's no other way about it. You're at the end. The twist is about to happen. The girl's about to kiss the guy. The guy's about to murder the bad guy. Hang on.

I got to go. All the wind's on the sails now. And then 40 minutes later. But I think in this one, you're both the asshole. You're an asshole for taking 40 minutes to shit. Agreed. And like, if we weren't watching a movie, I don't give a fuck. I'll shit whenever you want. But also, how about this?

Also, you have 10 minutes before I just watch those 10 minutes. Definitely. I'm not waiting 40 minutes there. Also, I mean, have a little bit. Maybe I'll rewind and pretend I didn't, but I'm watching it. You know, we say all the time, you've got to keep things a little sexy, a little mysterious,

a little separation. I don't need to know you're taking 40-minute shits. Yeah, if you're jumping up a shithouse, you know you're fucking... Come on, I don't... You look at her a little bit and you're like, if you know she fucking shits like a fucking cross-country truck hauler, you're like... It's going to change things. You just look a little different.

If I know that you go into the bathroom for 40 minutes and you're like – and it's like filling up the bowl for almost the better part of an hour, that's not going to be great for the long-term romance. It's not going to be great. You're inconvenient with our television watching. You're really not keeping things spicy or sexy. And I don't think I'm going to stand for that. Now, the flip side,

asking someone to schedule their pooping around you, ridiculous. That's almost also not sexy. It's almost like, I want to know when you're shitting. Right, right. I like to keep a little fucking guessing in this relationship. Maybe you poop.

Maybe you're going to fart tonight. I don't know. It goes to 830? Yeah, she's taking a good shit right now. She's letting one. What are you doing, babe? It's like, you know. It's Tuesday at 10.

You fucking train my bowels. So I'm like a guy who just got to Topeka from Charlotte, and I'm letting it fly right now. Let me tell you something I found on the interweb that it was jarring. And I don't know if it's even real, but it takes a lot for me to go like, and this was in shower thoughts on Reddit. Oh, okay. I like shower thoughts. It was from a guy and he said, women will never know the dread

of when your dick touches the inside of the toilet bowl right makes sense girls are never going to know that that is

that is a it's a bad thing it's also good when your dick can touch the bowl it's bad if you can't experience it usually happens

at grandparents houses tiny bowls tiny bowls high water levels yes but then Kim Tiny bowls. Tiny bowls, high water levels. Yes. But then Kim... That reminds me of Austin Powers when he goes like,

small hands, small feet. Tiny bowl, high water level. No one disagreed. They have the very round bowls and they're filled to the top. Yeah, they have the round bowls that you gotta like, you gotta fuck really.

Yeah, you gotta tuck it in. And then the splashback of the water is like two inches from your butt. Yeah. If you're having a long ball day, it's flopping in the air, you're stirring the pot.

I wish they want it. They're like, yeah, I wanna make sure my nuts hit water. Yeah, that's crazy. Especially your grandpa, he's hanging in there. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

He leaves a fucking pitcher by the sink, flushes the toilet, fills water, dumps that back in the toilet. Next time. Got to hit that water. We'll get in there next time. It's almost like in Double Dare when they have that line in the fucking, you got to fill it up, make sure the bowl is high enough. That's where the boys go for a swim.

So, okay, that's enough. Like, that's true. Women are never going to know that. Woman named Kim is fuzzy. She replies. And I don't know if this is a joke. Maybe I'm silly for even saying this. Maybe you're all going to laugh at me and be like, that doesn't happen.

Or maybe it does happen and I'm an idiot for not knowing it. But this made me gasp. I might even need Jackie to earmuff it for me. Or maybe I need to earmuff it while Jackie laughs about it. I don't know. Now that I feel like I even addressed Jackie, now I'm really uncomfortable. I shouldn't have done that. You know what I'm talking about to say?

Is this old? Is this classic? No, I just read this the other day. Men will never know what it feels like to have a fart creep forward and go up inside your vagina and then you got to do a weird bend to refart your fart you right i mean that is that is bad right you're telling me that you're q-wording a fart out of your pussy? I can't even say the Q-word. I hate it so much. You, a fart like travels and gets sucked up in it and then you gotta pop it out?

Oh my god. I picture the fart as being someone like walking too close to a plane that just turned the engine off. Those guys who get sucked into the engine those mechanics are just walking along the street oh man that person's female parts are like cars

in minority report they're just driving on the highway sucked into the house like those male room tubes sucks it right up in i mean that's real god damn yeah i mean i don't jackie no i'm not even no no you're not gonna put her on the spot she's not going to all the women listen i don't think we need an answer I can just hear the laughter like how we laugh when we say depressing things Jackie's like

yes oh that was perfect I'm thinking I'm now picturing I'm now picturing a pussy like Pac-Man just eating. I mean, that is, that is disgusting. And that's one that I never knew. Never knew.

The pussy's like a leech. It just sucks the venom out of the body. Don't worry, guys. I'll have a few bites today. God damn it. Zach's like, you fuck those things? You fuck a fart bag. We went one too far.

That one got away from us. That was too far that one got away from us that that was that was too far for me god damn man that one i didn't like that one at all honestly it felt good off the tips i liked it but that's like usually i know the self-cleaning vagina thing i i didn't know, but I kind of knew about. And then we, you know, we had a little lesson there. We learned things. But I usually know the peeing versus the squirting. I know most of the hygiene things at this point.

I did not know that your pussy could eat a fart. Did not know that, and I do not like it. Don't like it one bit. And I'm really wondering now what the weird bend is. You think they're bending forward? You think they're bending, squatting down? What are they doing? If it makes you feel better, I don't really know.

Think it's a real thing? I'm not going to comment. Jackie says it's not real. Maybe not for you. You know, I can see this being an old woman thing. Like there's some like 45-year-old listener who's like, just wait, girl. Just wait, you little bitch. Wait till you get a girl's voice.

One day your pussy's going to, yeah. Right. I feel like all those issues come post-baby. Right. That's just where, you know, your pussy just eats everything in sight. The Venus flytrap. Just eating farts. All the plumbing gets a little fucking confusing.

It's all mixed up. Oh, God. Voicemails, mercifully, please. They are brought to you by. Yeah. Let's do that again. I was going to say, talking about eating. I was going to say, we might be in a five-minute territory.

I don't know if he's going to love that one. Yeah, okay. We can go five minutes. Yeah. I got something for you. My kids. I do have something with my kids. What do you got?

Hang on one second. Podcasts are going to become like three hours now. Five minute buffers 35 times in a show. What have you got? I don't think it really works. Mine doesn't work either, but listen. Mine was going to be we both sing a two-and-a-half-minute song. No.

Next five-minute buffer, we're singing. We should actually just have one five-minute song that we always sing for a five-minute buffer. Actually, you know what? In order for five-minute buffers... The thing is, five minutes is a long time. Five-minute buffers are... Here's how they go now. We both get a two-and-a-half-minute song that we always sing for a five-minute buffer. Actually, you know, in order for five-minute buffers... The thing is, five minutes is a long time. Five-minute buffers are... Here's how they go now.

We both get a two-and-a-half-minute clock. For anything we want? The other one can't talk. Because I feel like we kind of egg each other on. Right, and then you reset each other's clock. Like, you reset my clock. Yeah, okay. That's fair.

It's almost like an ATI, PTI, around the horn, where you get, like, your minutes, whatever. Two-and-a-half minutes on the clock for you. Right. around the horn where you get like your minutes two and a half minutes on the clock for you right my daughter was drawing a picture for her mother and she was like here mom here's the picture and it was a picture of a god damn dying

flower it was like a wilting flower with a black cloud hanging over it and I think you should sell it as a t-shirt for sad boy season It was like a wilting flower with a black cloud hanging over it. And I think you should sell it as a t-shirt for sad boy season. That's almost like when a cat brings you a dead mouse. You know what I mean? She's like, here you go.

And I was just like, what the fuck is this? That is a pretty, I feel like a red flag that I need to worry about. My kid is drawing dead flowers for me? I'm going to interrupt in 20 seconds after your tune. No, that's fine. Yeah, please. It sounds a lot like Gary Goldman. Yeah.

Maybe we got some issues. But she was like, it's a flower. It's a dying flower. I was like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, I'll show it to you. She did. I'm happy she gave it to her mom and not me. I would have been like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, I'll show it to you. She did. I'm happy she gave it to her mom and not me. I would have been like, what the fuck?

It's. Oh, wow. Well, it's at least a bright dying flower. Yeah, there are like the colors are there, but then there's that black thing. And she said it's a dying flower. And I'm like, how do you even know what a dying flower is? Who's teaching you that shit? Bro, they gave you the black spot. Yeah, right?

You're fucked. I know. That's like the black hand, right? I think the black spot is... What's the black hand? The black spot is what the pirates gave you. The black hand is what the mob gave you. Okay, yeah.

The black spot, the pirates invented it. They gave you the black spot. It means that you're fucking done, buddy. Yeah, I mean, maybe I'm a marked man now. I mean, that's... And I already told you how Keegan doesn't

respect me anymore, so... Keegan looked me dead in the eyes and said, I don't fucking care. Real talk, he doesn't respect your son at two.

You haven't even told him what you do for a living yet. There's going to be real reasons that he shouldn't respect you that he doesn't even know yet. And he already doesn't respect you. You haven't even mentioned that you're a podcaster. Can't wait for career day for the first time. I'm a firefighter. I'm a CEO.

I'm a podcaster. You can catch me on the internet talking about pussies eating farts. On career day. And that, kids... Five minutes! See? This is my problem. We gas each other up and it's just... But that one...

That one I walked right into. I didn't even think of it, man. I didn't even think of it. But. I didn't even think of it. But that's okay. We're good enough. Hello, Fresh. We can do that now. Hello, Fresh is good enough.

Until he starts seeing you after, like, when he's like, I can pick up the same things as Daddy. And then Daddy does an internet show. Fuck this dude's lessons. Until Casey's videos of me trying to burn snow with a lighter with a tinfoil hat on. Keegan, don't run. That's because you can't catch me, you slow bitch. Look at me, Dad.

I can jump. I can jump off the ground. I'm not afraid of gravity, you fat old bitch. He scared me, man. Looked me dead in the eyes. Said, stop clapping. Like, I told you he was clapping the powder, doing a little run.

Stop. Looked me dead in the eyes. Didn't break a contact. Do something about it. Like, fuck you, Keegan. Keegan's going to turn four and just be like, all right, Kevin Francis,

can I have the room, please? Definitely going to call him for my first time. Yeah. Definitely. Hey, Kevo. Shut the fuck up. Dude, that is one of the be like, all right, Kevin Francis, can I have the room, please? Definitely going to call him for my first name. Yeah. Definitely. Hey, Kevo. Shut the fuck up. That is one of the, like,

I didn't have any, I had one friend like that. I didn't have many. I had one single friend like that. But I know it's like a thing on Black Twitter, like, my kid's called my first name.

That kid, West Coast Joe, the sneaker kid, he definitely called his mom, man. Yeah. Definitely called her a bitch to her face. Hey, bitch, where are my sneakers? And get me the Jordans.

Get it for me. And Susan, make me a sandwich. What? Jesus Christ, dude. Is she not going to kill you? Polly would not be okay with being called by her first name except she doesn't listen to podcasts, so I can do it here. Polly!

Polly not only doesn't like getting called by her first name. She doesn't like getting called by her first name. She doesn't like, like... Polly doesn't like getting called by her first name. When I say, like, Coloma Svalbard. She doesn't. She not only doesn't like getting called by her first name. She doesn't like, like. Polly doesn't like. There was a time when I went, like, lived in Spain, quote unquote. But it was kind of living because I was, like, 16. And I was, like, my mom here. She's like, you're fucking what?

Yeah. Polly don't play that. No, no, no. I'm not Polly. I'm your mom. No one else is your mom. Deal with it. I'm not Polly. I'm your mom. No one else is your mom. Deal with it. I cook food for you.

I keep you alive. Right. Well, you don't cook food for her anymore. You want to know why? Because I cook HelloFresh. That was D-Wade and LeBron lobbing it up. I'm just sitting there. I cook.

Keegan, I cook food for you, and I'm standing like this. Paul Feitz just throws it down. Hello Fresh, the number one meal kit company in America, funded primarily by John Henry Feidelberg. Last night. Because you still won't give him any free samples. Because he still pays for his own sponsors. I love this. They gave you a free sample.

I know. They sent the box to me and not him. You know what I think that was, actually? I think that was a One Minute Man sample. I think they're like, we'll take care of the new guy. No, the new guy's the old guy. We don't get old samples from the real show. Last night I had the cheesy beef tostadas.

Tonight, I'm having steak. Bro, we break even on our HelloFresh deal. They sponsor the show. They pay a few bucks. You buy it every week. You got steak tonight? It's very cheap. It's only 60 bucks a week. 60 bucks a week.

I know every time you say that, but I order 60 bucks every time I order. Actually, it's not steak tonight. It's balsamic and fig beef tenderloin. Get and fig you with it, you know? Five minutes! That's a hello fresh. They get a little fresh in their descriptions.

And then also I got, for later this week, I got a crispy buffalo spiced chicken, which is fire. Crispy buffalo chicken, balsamic beef tenderloin. I mean, that's like two meals that I think I couldn't script better. That's delicious. Can I tell you something that I've learned doing HelloFresh? And they're probably not going to want me to tell you this because it's probably like a top secret recipe.

I learned how to make blue cheese. Like the good kind. You know how like you get it out of like a fucking craft or whatever it is and you're like this isn't good. Like at a buffalo wing spot, it's different and it's better. I learned how to do it. What do you know? It's just sour cream and ranch.

Or maybe it's sour cream and blue cheese. Or maybe it's sour cream and blue cheese. I think it's sour cream and blue cheese. I forget. Blue cheese crumbles? No. I mean, you could add blue cheese crumbles. Got it. Got it.

Got it. It's the dressing that's not very good. But you're always like, this is just a little bit different. Sour cream. Sour cream in it. See, that's what I've always said, man. Oh, Zach's just nodding like he already knew that shit. Yeah.

Every time. Oh, that's how you learn to do? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like, I was like, oh, yeah it's like i was like oh this is the blue cheese i like this is perfect i i remember i i remember saying you're gonna learn how to cook and learn these things and you're like no man i just need the recipe card i need to follow the instructions and they do have that everything's pre-portioned everything's written out on the

recipe card so you just have to follow it step by step but you're gonna learn you're gonna learn some things you're gonna know how to make the special blue cheese now you're gonna know how to put the balsamic fig into this with the crispy chicken with that. You're basically a cook once you start doing HelloFresh, bro. Yeah. The good blue cheese. The good blue cheese. I mean, every meal is legitimately great.

I told this a million times. Casey would always come over and we'd cook for her, which is weird. And we'd have – she'd tell her sister. she's like, I heard you cook for Casey. She's like, I cook a little fresh. She's like, oh. And Casey's like, just like said, it's like the most amazing shit she's ever had. I'm like, yeah, it's fucking. That's a little fresh, man.

Really, really, really good. And on top of it right now, you can get. It takes 30 minutes. It's quicker to cook dinner. Like, when I'm starving, and I, like, my mind still reverts to, like. I gotta order food. Order food. No. I'm like, no, I'll just cook it now. This will be in my belly faster. And I'll be and my mind still reverts to- I got to order food. Order food. No.

I'm like, no, I'll just cook it now. This will be in my belly faster. I'll be done in 25 minutes rather than wait an hour for a Wendy's sandwich. And it'll be way better. It'll be hot. It'll be fucking good. And you can get 12 free meals now, which is more like 24. I'm not going to cancel my order and just fucking re-up.

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KFC12. Voicemails. Let's go. KFC5, Superdude or BC, whoever else in the studio. So I got in a conversation with one of my friends about our playlist and we swapped them back and forth and

I had a sex playlist and he didn't. And he thinks more people have sex lists. I mean I'm not a fuckboy. I just have a sex list. I barely even fucking use it. Along with my gym playlist. But also while going through my

playlist i realized i don't make country songs on there because who wants to fuck the country but have you ever noticed in country songs they always say making love rather than like fucking like i didn't know so how many people do you think have a sex playlist vivo i think sex playlist is college shit at latest i was gonna say the last time i made one was college yeah and i tried to make it like um not like i tried to make it like some kind of like hip-hop and r&b songs that are more like good songs that mention sex or you know i'm not putting like slow bump and grind r kelly songs on there. I tried to make it like, I don't know, like 112, like Peaches and Cream, that kind of shit.

I think mine was slower. Mine was lovemaking. I was going to say, you were making love. Mine was like 112. He like making love. Yeah, C.J., you want to fuck to that now? Well, that's not the song. That's not a song that would be on it.

It's just like, it was always songs was like, it was always, it was always songs that I heard at the end of Scrubs. And that was, that, is the most depressing thing I've ever heard. Like,

it was, they were honestly like, they weren't even like, Where do you get your sexual inspiration the end of Scrubs? It was literally called the Scrubs mix.

It was like, and it was just like, but I used it as a fucking fuck mix. and it was just i wish i even had the fucking john dorian voiceovers like sometimes a friend dies oh i thought this was like it or something this is like no no this was on like a personal itunes uh yeah yeah yeah there's there's nowhere literally the exact same thing i had i um i feel like there's a, this is like a cultural ethnic thing. I feel like white people don't have, like, I feel like black people have like fucking

like musical playlists or they're fucking. I think it's an age thing. Cause bro, guess what? If we start like getting into the mood to fuck and I get a hard dick and I have to get up and put on music. Oh, I was going to say. When I get back to bed, we're not having sex anymore. Well, I totally agree with that.

But also, let's say you achieve it. How long does this mix need to be? Yeah. You fucking through how many? Let's say you have a good night, like four songs maybe? Yeah. In your bra. No shot, right?

Four songs, the last three are a cool down. Two of them are foreplay. One of them's a clean up. One of them is while I'm getting the towel. Yeah, my fourth song is just a fucking yoga lady at the end of a session. Everyone lay on your backs with your palms facing down. Do the baby pose. Yeah, man.

Can you imagine if you needed an hour-long playlist? The only way that's happening... I'll tell you what some fucking bullshit's happening right now. I can hear Jackie laughing a little too hard behind us. These old guys can't fuck for more than four minutes. How was work today? Good.

I worked with some old losers who can't fuck. Jackie's like this 65 Colombian who fucks for an hour and a half. 30-year-old french man can lay down uh um so i think it's weird if you have but i do you do do you play music at all now no like like the last time i i would play music i would do something like i would put on like halsey or something that's like you know you're not like you don't want to put on music that you're even born. The last time I listened to music, I haven't sex. I think you definitely can't put on like, I don't know, fucking. I can't even think of a good example.

Trying to like what would be like the worst sex music? Blink 182 or something like that. Can't fuck the blink. I mean, like ska music, you know, put on some punk rock. Oh, I don't't know i say that but machine gun kelly just came out with his own vibrator right honestly the merch game is strong when you can drop a sex toy yeah and i bet you bitches are buying those i mean all it is is just like a pink vibrator and i think it has like his his brand like logo you know i've seen it it's not very good it's like it's a vibrator not a dildo right right right it's a little pocket rocket right i feel like if you were to design if

you're gonna have the feidelberg uh vibrator what would it be a fighter if i could design a fighter a fight braider what what would you like it would be it would be a pocket rocket yeah i don't think dildos are used that much i think it's like that's a whole thing i agree that it's weird to just like blast yourself with a rubber dick yeah i think but like those rabbit ones are fucking diesel you know the rabbits are big deal but like that's like a that's like jerking off with lube that's like i gotta fucking yeah i gotta fucking what i'm saying i gotta put in work i'm gonna have to clean up after this i'm saying if i would have if i were to design one and have my name on it,

I think I'd want it to be like it's got the dick and it's got the vibrating ears and it's got the thing in your ass and it's got the thing that spins. If it's going to have my name on it, it's going to be fucking everything. Mine would be a fuck machine attached to a bench saw. My bike is attached to old school locomotive train wheels. You know? No, I want the fucking, the fast. How about those things that just straight up suck on your clit?

You know those ones? It looks like the forehead temperature taker. Forehead thermometers. Just pop it on the clit and just watch that thing go to town. If I'm putting my name on a vibrator, it's doing some work. Pop it on the clit and just start cooking dinner. The whole pressure will be done in 15 minutes. You walk around like you're fucking octopus sucking your puss.

Next goddamn voice mail. I should have just knocked him over. Jackie's just going to sue us one day. Something's going to go wrong, and she's going to be like, I wasn't actually offended, but I had to be in the room for a lot of conversations. KFC, fight. What is the best way to tell someone to shut the fuck up about their cancer story? Whoa.

The backstory is I come from a very large, close knit family. And a couple of months ago, my cousin who was like my sister moved back into the area with her husband. They've been married for 10 years. And by all accounts, he seems like a decent guy. I've hung out with him a handful of times over the years and never had a

problem until they moved back into town. Anytime there's a get-together with family or friends, he feels the need to tell the story of how he survived non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Since I've moved back here, I've heard this story at least five times now, most recently at a Super Bowl party. In my opinion, the storytelling is getting reckless and out of hand, and he needs to be stopped. I am willing to be the one to end this madness. How should I do it? Keep in mind, I don't really give a shit about his feelings and he's fully recovering and completely healthy now.

The cancer was eight years ago so I feel like the statute of limitations of people feeling bad and caring about it has run out. Let me tell you what I think is happening. I think that this is someone else's story. They're worried about their voice being heard. They needed a friend to do it and so and so they wrote it out smart because i think like even if

someone also got like i guess he probably just kind of just maybe fucked with specifics but like i don't know if i recovered from non-hopkins lymphoma eight years ago and was recently telling the party telling the story of super bowl party it's gotta be a fairly small number of people so but what's your point? That I'd be like, well, I know. I at least have a small guess of who this was. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know this is about me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. I mean, I know exactly what he's talking about. It's a touchy subject. I don't... It depends. How close are they? I did... I don't... It depends. How close are they? I don't know, Nick. It's his cousin who's like his sister's husband.

Cousin who's like his sister's husband. So basically a brother-in-law, let's call it. I think you are on one extreme or the other. I think you can't say anything. You can't say anything. You can't say anything. You can't say anything until you reach a certain point of comfortability. And then you can say, would you shut the

fuck up about your cancer story? You either can't say anything or you're close enough where you can just bust their balls and be like, yeah, man, we know you didn't die. Shut the fuck up. I don't think there's an in-between where it's like, hey, we're kind of close, but we're not close enough, so I'm going to bring this up, but I'm not

really going to bring it up. And I think you either can or you can't. I think you can just go. Did you score on your first goal on your first shift back in your first NHL game? And then compared to like some other great cancer story, you did that. That's pretty good. Are you Mario Lemieux? Right.

Did you? Yeah. We need another good like like like when Lance Armstrong, did he win it afterieux? Right. Did you? Yeah. We need another good, like when Lance Armstrong, didn't he win it after cancer, right? After he lost the ball. But Lemieux had non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Oh, so specifically. We're on the exact cancer.

We're not just cancer cancer. Lemieux had non-Hodgkin's. I think it's now called Hodgkin's lymphoma. I think it's. Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is now called Hodgkin's. There's definitely something different about it. Is that a bad one? When I hear that, I feel like that's the okay cancer. Okay, no, no, no. Am I underestimating the Hodgkin's? There's definitely something different about it. Is that a bad one? When I hear that, I feel like that's the okay cancer.

Okay, no, no, no. Am I underestimating the Hodgkin's lymphoma? It was when Lemieux got Hodgkin's disease, which is now known as Hodgkin's lymphoma. So I guess he didn't get non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. He got Hodgkin's lymphoma. I could have sworn it was non-Hodgkin's lymphoma because guess what?

I'm pretty sure that was on 1992 the year in sports um but uh but yeah i just be like i don't i don't know i feel like the cancer thing's a little touchy feeling yeah that's what i'm saying i feel like 90 of the time you can't and that last 10 has to be like your best friend or your buddy like your brother or like somebody really close yeah but i mean like you don't see me all the time being like, I hate E. coli, right? John's a survivor. You know? Also, I do tell it all the time.

All the time. He's on confessions this week. Think about how often John tells his E. coli story, and then you're going to tell people who survived a terminal disease to not tell that tale. Yeah, it's also like,

I think it matters how he's telling it. Do you have a good story? Yeah. Is it just that you had this fucking cancer and beat it? Or is it some funny jokes?

Is there some wow factor? Give me a story. Yeah, you're telling a good story out here a million times. That's the thing. You know, oh man,

he tells that story about how he scored the touchdown in high school every fucking party. It's like, yeah, that story sucks. If that's a good story, tell them the one about the time in high school. Right, right, right. So that's the thing. It's not even about the cancer. It's about your storytelling. You're just not a very good storyteller, sir.

Help him punch it up a bit. Let me tell the story. Right? Clearly, this man's a writer. Help him punch it up a bit. Let me tell the story. Clearly this man's a writer. Help him punch it up a bit. Last voicemail today is brought to you by Olipop, which is a new type of soda, which God knows that I need it because I have a full-blown addiction to the bad soda. This is soda.

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That tastes like, it's funny it's called an lollipop because it tastes like a strawberry flavored, like a strawberry yogurt lollipop. I'm in on the root beer. I'll pass on that. This is just straight. Okay, this is going to be the test right here. Because I am a full-blown soda addict. I love soda. All the bad stuff

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only 12 carbs, only two sugars in a soda is insanity. So this will be the taste test. Passes the test. I can drink that just like I can drink any other soda and enjoy my meal, enjoy my sandwich. I'm not a soda expert such as yourself.

That tastes exactly like Coke to me. 100%. That vintage cola. It's got the sparkling tonic label. But this is just like drinking a soda. 100%. That vintage cola. It's got the sparkling tonic label. But this is just like drinking a soda. You can have this with your sandwich and your chips. You can have this with your hot dog or your burger. Two grams of sugar is crazy.

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There was orange. They bought you another pack, and I went through that one in like a week. You drank it that fast? Really? Jackie's just ripping through it. So also, if you live with a young lady, she's going to love them because they are like part of the seltzer feel to them, but they taste like soda without sugars.

The orange tastes like a real actual orange, not like an orange flavoring. That's like orange with the pop, with like the bubbles. So Olipop is the answer. Oh, that was really good. Yeah, uh, Olipop is the answer. Oh, that was really good. Yeah. I really like natural flavoring. You know,

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got a question for you. I was listening to, Hey babe podcast with, uh, Chrissy D and Sal. They were talking about how going through communion as a kid, everybody drank out of the same chalice. You had like 50 to whatever, 200 people drinking the same chalice you had like 50 to whatever 200 people drinking the same

fucking wine and all they did was wipe the rim a little bit um then this post or i guess current covid shit wondering what's the grossest thing we just accepted uh when we were younger that we're just never gonna do again thanks all right that's um i mean right along the lines of church is peace touching everybody's hands. Sure, but I don't think that's going to be... I remember wondering when COVID first hit. I don't think anything's going to change now.

It's like, are we going to be like our grandmothers? I don't know. I actually don't remember anything. I guess grandparents used to bury money in a tin in the backyard. They did something weird with bread, I think. I don't think any of my grandparents did it, so I don't really know. But I was like, oh, I wonder what the lasting effects of this pandemic will be for us.

And I don't think personally for me. I mean, the rest of the country has gone back to normal. I just drank sodas with you. I don't fucking care. It's like I don't think every time I see someone, I hug them. I thought for a while that might be gone. And there was a little bit when I... You know, anyone I see...

It's basically to me, I treat like an STD. Where like, if I trust you, we're good. Yeah. Or if you're a stranger... And guess what? It takes very little for me to trust you. So I'm just like, all right, we're cool. Yeah.

I'll hug you. If you're straight out of the scene, I'll be like, all right, nice to meet you. I don't've seen like i'll be like nice to meet you kind of i don't know i do feel like maybe at church where you're like there's just no reason to really touch random strangers like yeah but like okay all at once everyone do the stranger touching but i think that there's no reason for us because we don't give a shit about that i think like like the people who go to church yeah that's like there's guys you think that they won't drink out of the chalice that is gross i don't think i i think they will won't drink out of the chalice? That is gross.

I don't think – I think they will probably. I don't know. I'm not a church-going guy, but I will. If I go to a bar, which is my church, and someone's like, hey, you want a sip of this? I'm like, fuck yeah, I'll take a sip of that. That's different than if we just passed around one drink at the bar. Everybody took a sip of your wine. That's wacky.

In high school, my sophomore year, they stopped serving it. I don't know if I've told this story because one kid just went up there and just chugged the whole thing he was like we had to go to mass on like thursday mornings and they would give like little sips to everyone yeah and he just fucking slammed you know it's a it's a glass of wine yeah nothing crazy but they were like okay no more no more of that dude speaking of chrissy d uh did you see he had Tristan on? He has Chrissy Chaos's new solo podcast. Tristan is his baby mama's baby daddy. Baby daddy. Yeah. I saw a clip.

It's just so funny because, like, Chris has done such a good job of weaving him into the show where he's like, I'm going to fucking tell Tristan that, you know, Tristan this and Tristan that. Like, you're always hearing his name. And I think the kid is tristan jr so sometimes like tristan's walking out as like a 12 year old he's like fucking tristan and and he just had him on the show as like this this uh meeting of the minds of the baby daddies and it's just so fucking funny and like getting and knowing uh like what i'm assuming is like the character of jasmine the way like chris talks about her, the fact that this woman is the badass Puerto Rican

chick that he's always talking about. These two guys, they're both talking about how Jasmine's going to beat up both of them, basically. They're in the same boat together. It's just so goddamn funny. When he gets going about his wacky family, it is so funny. If you haven't seen Christy Chaos, go watch it on YouTube and subscribe.

What's a COVID? I don't think day-to-day people will change things. I think institutions will have to change things. When you go to a sporting event, something might be different. I don't even know about that. There might just be liability shit, though, that they have to do. And I can't even think of it. I think maybe there will be stuff until everyone's vaccinated and all that shit.

Yeah, and then once that happens. How about Biden being like, we got enough. Everyone's going to be vaccinated by May. Shouldn't have done that. Talk about raising the bar. It was supposed to be August, and then he was like, nope, don't worry. We're way ahead of schedule. May. It's like, May? You you are not gonna make that deadline bro we have just proven that

we are a logistical nightmare of a country i don't care how many you got it's about how many people gonna get it basically may right now if it's a month that begins with m it's may bro i drove by the javits center the other day for people getting shots the line was like out the door down to 11th avenue snaked back to 10th, snaked back to 11th. I was like, this is a fucking disaster. I honestly think I'll be the last person in the country to get it. Well, you know what, though? It's kind of, it doesn't matter.

If you were the last person, you wouldn't need to get it. Yeah, right. I don't ever need this thing. I just think if I showed up and there was a three block long line, and clearly the line you just described is much longer, I'd be like, well, I'm not going to do this today. No. Pass. I have.

I have. Send an email. I have lots of other things to not do. I have to make one call about my taxes. Got to make my bed. I could literally do everything in line, but I'd be like, well, I need my workspace. You know what? I'll take it back.

I do think lasting effect. I don't think certain companies really will be going back to work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think a lot of people are going to be able to work remote pretty much forever. But I also wonder about forever. A lot of places are like major institutions are like Google or something will be like, you can't come back until summer 2021 and even by the way oh no i guess they said that a while ago yeah it's coming up but they said

it is crazy we were talking about the other day like that like 1 32nd of my life has been spent like in a pandemic that's a lot jackie 120 21st of her life is crazy that's a long ass fucking time where it's not a lot longer than a year really this has been a chunk of your life. Crazy. That is a long-ass fucking time. It's not a lot longer than a year. This has been... A chunk of your life. It's also a little bit disheartening that you hear the fucking... I don't know if it's a rumor or from health officials.

People say that one month, I think, or maybe it's 40 days, is a habit-forming amount of time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're way past that. I'm one year in and I'm like, same. We were talking about it with my parents the other day. My dad was like, I just need life to get back to normal.

I was like, I think you're all about to learn. Your lives are pretty goddamn fucking normal right now. This is how it's going to be. It's not that fucking – I was like, I go to bars. I go home a little bit earlier than I used to. Probably a good thing. Like any of the changes are probably for the better anyway. And I wake up and I get home.

I sit on the couch for a bit and then I fucking wake up. I go to work. I come home from work and I cook dinner. I think the people who are getting used to staying at home, like it's one thing. You know, like I said, Google would say you can come back in the the summer but you don't have to come back you know five full years from now if like you have a boss who's like a hard ass and your group is not performing or something you can't see a boss being like get the fuck back to work okay this isn't working i need everybody in the conference room so everyone's coming back to work it's been five years you're going back to work you know forever is a long time if everyone's

vaccinated by may i think by august not only will people with bosses want to go back to work you know i think forever is a long time if everyone's vaccinated by may i think by august not only will people in boston want to go back to work i think like people i don't get back to work yeah this is yeah it's it's it's not fun there are like i think yesterday we both didn't go in like i was pretty fucking bored like i was like fucking i was doing stuff but i was like i don't i don't have the same feel well that's an age thing too is like there was a time when i was a young man like if deloitte didn't have work for the day, it was like, I cannot wait to just sit here and do nothing. And now, whether it's a little bit of just age and ambition and just whatever, it's like, okay, I've hung out for like a solid hour and a half doing nothing.

I got to go do some shit now. So maybe it'll be that. I don't know. Maybe people start using condoms see you next time i've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me i bring them to the life It's only life This is the soundtrack To my life

The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life Uh-huh

Uh-huh Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah. Yeah.