KFC Radio - Fortune Feimster | The KFC Radio WhistlePig Road Trip

Episode Date: January 20, 2022

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Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. There wasn't much... I don't mean to interrupt you. What is this about? Are we just doing slices of ham in a bag? Alright. I knew this was gonna come up. You think? Are you ready for that? Are you ready for that?

All right, I think we're good to go. That sounded like Jackie. That sounded like Jackie. That sounded like me. Like confidence level? Yeah. I think we're good to go. First thing, let's actually do a clap. Do it more towards the middle of the car. There we go.

That way it's in every shot. Oh, I clapped loud as fuck. That was a loud clap. You got those fat fingers. Yeah. Ah, ah, ah, ah. I clapped like a motherfucker. I'll get the ads, but you can start going. All right.

It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network, live from the road. I feel like every couple years we do like a road trip episode. Yeah. We've done this a couple times. I want to address one thing real quick. I'm wearing my mother's sunglasses if you're watching on YouTube. I was in her car.

I took her sunglasses. I want to address that real quick. Got the seatbelt on. Ah, seatbelt titty. Yeah. Yeah, you look fine. Do I? Yeah. You say that, but then you see the camera. Yeah. What I've learned is, you know, the whole the camera adds 10 pounds is not true. The camera adds like

rolls and shadows and shit. That's true. You know what I mean? Like you might not necessarily look fatter, but you'll look, well, yeah, you'll look fatter. And it just implies the ability or implies the necessity for people to tear you down. Yes. It gives them the, camera adds 10 pounds. Camera makes you want to hate me. Yes. And therefore you find my imperfections. Yes, you look harder. And also gives us an out because most people haven't been on camera. And we can just say, that's not what it really looks like. You wouldn't understand.

It's like my idea that body dysmorphia is not a real thing. That's just some fat people made that up to make it look better for themselves. I think the people in show business said the camera has 10 pounds because 90% of the world has never seen themselves on camera. Yeah. So we can just say that and they just go, ah, okay. Yeah, that's true. All right. So we're live in the car. We never seen themselves on camera. Yeah. So we can just say that and they just go, ah, okay. Yeah, that's true. All right. So we're live in the car.

We need to be on a GoPro world. Yeah, you've never been fucking fishbowl. You've never had a fucking iPhone camera record you. You don't know shit. I feel like I'm on MTV True Life. That's the only, or like, or the Ghost Hunter. Where are you at on ghosts these days? Where am I at on ghosts?

Yeah, where are you at on the supernatural? Um, I would say I am, uh, I guess I'm open to the possibility. I feel like you're out on ghosts. I'm probably,

I'm out, I'm out on things, I'm out on, I'm out on things that I just don't get. Right. I don't have, That's a lot of things. an engineer's brain. I don't have like, I just don't get Right I don't have That's a lot of things An engineer's brain

I don't have like No you don't Like some people Have something where they They see something like I gotta see how that works I don't care how it works You don't wanna know

How the sausage is made It's just I'm here And I'm gonna do my thing For a while Here until you're dead And then Then I'm gonna be gone

I don't really I'm not trying to figure out The secrets of life While I'm here I'm not trying to find All the secrets of existence I'm just here i'm gonna try to find out the secrets of existence trying to have a good time god i wish i had your dumb brain i haven't just like what's the point i wish i had your fucking brain i said this just yesterday i wish i was dumb and and didn't care and i wish i was poor i wish i was fat poor and dumb is what i'm is where i'm at these are all things you can be

i know and it's much easier so why smart, good-looking, and rich. That's hard to achieve. It's easy to just, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, you want to be like, all right, give all your money away. I think if I was truly single, I wouldn't... Stop, stop.

But I got these fucking kids now, man. Give it to them. Yeah. Give your six- and four-year-old control of all your money. You want to be poor, fucking be about it. Don't talk about it.

Be about it. Because I talk about it. Be about it. Because I encountered a ghost for sure yesterday. And Jackie can corroborate. Jackie also seems like a big-time car sleeper to me. So I'm anticipating she just jumps out in the middle.

Yeah, Jackie. Jackie's an everywhere sleeper. This car, by the way, let's just address this car. This car, before we get into the ghost. This car is outrageous. You would think we're leaving for like, we're never coming back.

You'd think we're moving out of New York right now. This honestly is more room than our studio. There is stuff everywhere. It kind of does have more room than our studio. We are in a moving office at this point. There are gallons of coffee, hundreds of donuts. Yeah, the food and coffee, you would think that we're, like, on the run

and, like, you know, need to, like, stay alive for, like, three weeks. We're going to be in the car for two hours and 33 minutes. So I'm waiting for Jackie to just zonk out, like, right in the middle of this. She also dropped the other day that she gets car sick, so we have that nice wrinkle. I'm already car sick. Remember when I said that you were doing pretty—you are? Oh, yeah. I said that you're doing pretty well with driving.

Yeah. You're swerving a lot now, and you're not driving a lot. Stop! I was fucked up. I'm not swerving. I just like to move. I don't just stay straight. I go in and out of lanes! I was fucked up. I'm not swerving. I just like to move. I don't just stay straight. I go in and out of lanes.

I go around people. I drive. That's literally the definition of swerving. No, swerving is when you're just like, I'm like, I want to get around this person. I want to get there faster. When I get behind the wheel, baby, I just got to drive.

See, that's another, like... I just eat those bottles up. We're going to what? We're going to add six minutes? No, I don't care about that. It's just fun. I enjoy driving. I like driving up open. I just eat those mottos up. We're going to what? We're going to add six minutes? No, I don't care about that. It's just fun. I enjoy driving. I like driving, too.

Now, this thing is a fat Nissan Armada. No free ads. Like, I'm usually in my shitty Hyundai where I can kind of whip in and out. And this is kind of like big fat boy. So I got to drive a little bit differently. But fuck you, Jackie. Sorry. differently but um but fuck you jackie sorry um also fuck you for trying to deny that this was a ghost because i mean it was he put his no can i you're not gonna say it right no i'm gonna explain

it perfectly i was doing kevin clancy show i put a chair up against the wall, and then I rested my cup on the back of the chair. Now, it wasn't like, it was not like firmly on, it wasn't like a flat surface. It was up against the wall and on like a little bit of a rounded surface. But it was like sturdily there. 50% of the cup was on a surface, for the record. That's not true. It was probably more like 75. But there was, she's not wrong. There was like a part hanging off.

So it wasn't like it was just like on a flat desk and jumped off. There was some room to fall. But nothing happened. The door didn't close. I didn't bump it. It just like tipped completely over. And so much so that it landed like flat to the point that I then lifted it. And then the water came out.

It was weird. It was a weird spill. And then Jack, I was like, did you see that? That was fucking crazy. And she was like, nobody talked about it. You just didn't even put the cup on there right. So then I put it back on the way it was and I start banging the fucking chair

and it doesn't fall. Jackie starts stomping the ground like she's the fucking Hulk. Like that's going to make a difference. That building's super concrete. Yeah. That building's like Al Pacino's office in The Devil's Advocate. It is stone, man. So I'm banging it, and it's not falling at all.

And I'm pretty sure you can see it. We did a lot of test runs. Yeah. And then she was like, no, look. And she starts moving the chair. I'm like, well, that's not what fucking happened. So there was a ghost in our office that knocked over a cup, and Jackie was too stupid to admit it.

Okay. Well, see, here is where the ghost people lose me. Is that, like, you know how there's the existence of ghosts? A cup spell. Yeah. But, like. If a ghost comes in and cuts your head off, I'm more likely to believe.

You sounded like an old table running out of batteries. My dad's Brian Kelly, Ewan. I'm more likely to believe my family. Not a cup hanging off a chair fell. Have you ever seen the movie Ghost? No. First of all, you've missed the most romantic scene in movie history. Swayze and Demi Moore on the pottery table with Unchained Melody playing.

I've seen a picture. I've maybe seen a clip. Unchained Melody is the most romantic song in the history of music. Why does that sing that for me? I can't. What is it? Like, oh. I'll play it for you.

I don't know why I can't think of it right now. No, don't play it. I'm playing it. I probably wasn't going to play it, but then you said that, so I'm like, no, I'm playing it. Oh, yeah. Most romantic song of all time. And Swayze's on the pottery with her as a ghost. In the beginning, when he's first dead he's

trying to like make contact and talk and touch and he can't because he's a ghost and you have to like he learns you have to like use all your ghost power to simply move like a penny like an inch it's not like ghosts can just come in and chop your head off at least rookie ghosts an experienced ghost maybe okay i think i had some sort of rookie ghost That was trying to make contact And all they could do was muster up enough strength To just knock my couple Now who that ghost is I don't really know Is someone in the Barstool office

Ghost or Crocs coming in Someone that's dead Are they confined to the Barstool office I don't think so I feel like ghosts are confined to the place that they live Yeah that Usually I believe is true I don't think so. I feel like ghosts are confined to the places they live. Yeah, that usually I believe is true. I mean, if it takes all your might to knock over a cup of coffee, I don't think you really have free ranges yet.

You're probably right. I think that ghosts are usually kind of explained as like there's a crack in a window between the worlds and you just kind of snuck in. And I don't think it's's like and then you're just in that spot i do i do i do think you're right on that can i tell you something that i learned on glitch talk yes okay let's talk which is tick tock tick tock with about glitches matrix glitches in the matrix it's what it sounds like you know like oh no it's not it's not at all what it sounds like

if i were to say glitch talk. You fucking asshole. What was the first thing that came to mind when I said glitch talk? Literally a nonsense word. Glitch talk? Glitch talk doesn't mean a thing to me. Can I tell you something real quick that you probably don't even know? Before Jackie's huge fuck up, there was another fuck up on my show where we were talking about glitches and there was glitches in the audio the whole time. Wait, but that wasn't a fuck up.

And people thought that we did it on purpose. I was like, no, it's, but that wasn't a fuck up. We did it on purpose. I was like, no, it's just Jackie. And I did it when maybe Jackie is doing it on purpose. That wasn't even my fault. That one was not my fault. The other thing was my fault. That one was not my fault. Okay. If you think anyone listening to this show heard you say glitch talk and was like,

I know what she means, you're crazy. We had to explain it. On TikTok, there's these people who talk about glitches in The Matrix. You know, like, some people believe that deja vu is a real thing where, like, The Matrix gets fucked up for a second. And you're actually remembering, like, something that happened in the, you know. That's people from the movie The Matrix. Yeah. That's just, you took an idea from a fake movie.

No, it's a real thing. That's how you know The Matrix is fucking up. A glitch. And people now just pretend that's just you took an idea from a fake movie. No, it's that's how you know the matrix is fucking up a glitch And people now just pretend that's reality No Cuz there's there's multiple you know, I've seen the movie the matrix like 100 times I know when like they have deja vu they're like oh, we're in trouble. The matrix is fucking up Yeah, because they made that movie because they had that idea. People had that idea. I think they just wrote a movie.

I think that movie's about transitioning, is what I heard. Yeah, I actually think that's more of the case. Captain, can you keep your left arm down? Debatable. That's not really comfortable for me. Anyway. Ghosts. Oh, yeah.

So, can I just say the glitch talk The ghost thing so basically The explanation for At least when people hear voices Is that apparently like in the universe Sound Or in like the sound somehow Like this is actually science Sound somehow like bounces off

Like something In the atmosphere And then like it can come back like years later like hundreds of years later and so maybe we're like always hearing voices but like when we're in public it just like morphs in with you know we could get somebody on the street but it's like a voice from like 100 years ago but then when we're like home alone like in a dark room that's when like we hear it and then we're like oh fuck that was, like, in a dark room, that's when, like, we hear it, and then we're like, oh, fuck, that was a ghost. That was jacked up sound edition. Well, it was just, like, I just thought that that was an interesting fact.

I don't think that you guys are— I think that wasn't a fact. How about that? I mean, I literally just think— I mean, like, sound does bounce off things. There was some facts in there. Well, yeah, it's an interesting fact that a scientific... You're screaming at all times. Yeah, like why would we be hearing shit always then?

No, that's the things we are. Oh, like right now? Like right now, but you just think it's like the radio. Dude, stop watching nonsense. What are you talking about? Yo, this is how... Like, you know, people like me who it's like... It used to be like, oh, I read a book or I watched a documentary or whatever, right?

And that's how you learn some things. And then you had like crackpot friends who would watch, you know, a documentary about something and believe a theory. And then it became the Internet. Now it's down to TikTok. Now it's down to like I watched a 15-second video about how Rebel Wilson is dead and they replaced her with a robot. But people at least used to put in effort. Yeah, that's what I mean. To trick you into believing dumb stuff.

Now it's just like. Now it's like. I saw someone say it. How do you not know there are thousands of years of people screaming and we can't hear them? What are you talking about? Dude, I gave you a scientific reason. What does that fucking mean? Like how do you know there are 10,000 universes? I don't. That's not. You're that fucking mean? Like, how do you know there aren't 10,000 universes?

I don't, that's not, you're not fucking selling me. People used to edit videos and trick you into believing shit. Now it's just like, prove to me that there aren't 17 people in this car and we can only see four of us. The burden of proof has flipped. Everybody's a murderer.

Everybody's an alien. Everybody's a ghost. Everything is a conspiracy. everyone's evil, you know? How do you know Tom Hanks doesn't rape kids? Right. I just really don't think he does. I guess I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty fucking sure he doesn't. How about that? You're right.

It is now on me to prove that we don't have alien existence. Like, aliens in this car right now yelling but our brains choose not to hear them. What does that mean? What do you believe in though? A man's got to believe in something, John. I fucking baked it different. What do I believe in? I believe that I am born.

I believe that I am living in a car right now. I believe that one day I will die. And that'll be the end of it. But what, so then what do you, but like you don't ever have any curiosity just like what the fuck is going on? Why are we here? No. I'm sure like one day when I like face my mortality I will.

But right now, no, absolutely not. Do you believe in God? No. No. No, I mean like I'm sure there's still a little glimmer of being raised as a Catholic that probably is like screaming, like, yes, there is! That could all be for nothing! Do you hope there's a God?

I think it would be kind of cool if there was. I would rather there be an afterlife than not. I mean, here's the deal. If there is a God and if everything is real, I'm going to hell. So, no, I hope there isn't. But, see, no. the deal i if there is a god and if everything is real i'm going to hell so no but see no because why the letter of the law in the books in the books yes that are made up people like jackie used to write the books people like people who want it we're going so fast i i speed when i podcast and drive is what i'm learning right now um People who wanted money from you made up things like heaven and hell

to scare you into going to church and giving them money. There might be a God, and you know what's more likely? That there's hellfire and brimstone. Oh, by the way, did you see that Turkmenistan is going to close the gates of hell?

You know that? Bro, I thought you just said, I thought that was like a Turkmenistan fan account. Turkmenistan country. You know that? I was like, what's that asshole talking about? About Kirk the stranger. Is that asshole around?

Kirk's also an asshole. Is that asshole like? He's back. He's back? Back in the business, yeah. He did the dozen the other night, I think. Yo, put a pin in that for a second. The dozen is getting too much.

I believe my next match Is against you And I'm so happy That it's like Someone who doesn't care Like we can just Answer some questions Two normal people

Who are gonna play some trivia Like I can't wait to just have a Do an entertaining Bad Like horribly Unintelligent But entertaining episode Of the dozen

And not worry about Trades And seedings And shit Guys You guys take it. It's like, how fast can we fucking bury this thing we all like? Yeah, for real.

Take it way too seriously. Oh, God. Fans, players, missionaries, everybody. I feel like every day, Jeff D. Lowe is like, I am struggling with my mental health. He is? People are like, fucking get the questions right, Jeff. Why aren't they correct?

Why weren't you allowing trades? And he's like, dude, I'm just trying to fucking play a game. But also, he's like, I can't tell you how much this is ruining my life. I'm like, dude, just don't care about it. Just be like, I don't care about you guys and these fucking questions anymore. Anyway, Turkmenistan, you know when there's that hole that's just brimming with fucking lava and fire? No. You never seen that? It's like a hole that's just burning and they can't stop it it's been burning since the 70s so apparently what happened was the soviets came across like this big patch of natural gas and

they were trying to mine and use the land and shit so they were like all right we'll just set this shit on fire and it'll like burn out and then it won't be a problem sounds like stranger things and they were big wrong they were uh not correct on that one it's been burning ever since and i think sometimes they use it for like movies and shit i think they film it because it really looks like it's probably the gates of hell that sounds like like oh this nuclear reactor over here in chernobyl it's just the fire keeps going do you mind if we bring br Pitt over for a scene? I might have made up the movie thing. Maybe they've, like,

created things that look like it. I don't know if they literally use it. But they, some people believe it's the gates of hell, so they go there and, like, visit. Like, it's almost like a tourist attraction. But Turkmenistan's finally going to try to put it out, and I don't know if they know how to, but I know how to. Doming. You know what I mean?. And I don't know if they know how to, but I know how to. Doming.

You know what I mean? Well, I don't know if that would in this case. You have to dome it from underneath, too. Right? Well, I guess my thing would be more like throw a dome on it and don't worry about it. Now it's sealed off. It can still burn, but, like. Because isn't the oxygen coming from, I guess, from underground?

I don't know. I'm not a scientist, John. Yeah. What's more likely? Like hellfire and brimstone and heaven and hell and all the stories? Or, you know, if there is a creator that, like, you die and you get up there and he's like, you believed all that shit? I don't know, man.

I just fucking made this thing. There's no rules. There's no book to go by. You just do what you want to do. And when you're dead, you're dead. And you hang out here now. I think that's more likely than, like, all these stories about angels and the devil and fighting and shit. I guess.

I think the most likely would be, obviously, you just die. But that freaks me out, too. Why? Because, like, somewhere along the line Something had to People are like the big bang But what is that? And where did that come from?

And where did it blow up into? Well I mean someone could tell you This is not me You're not talking to the guy who can't But a scientist could But some You know even the scientists Get to a point where they're like

Probably making shit up Or don't know the answer You know Like this, this, where are we going here? How many fucking exits are at this thing?

Um, like this telescope that we sent up there is supposed to like find aliens and shit. Mm-hmm. And they're like, it might change like

all the rules of science that we know. It's like, what? Ooh. Sorry, it's vibrating my penis. Ooh.

Good feeling? Uh, yeah. Felt real nice. Yeah. Sorry, I just vibrated my penis Good feeling? Yeah, felt real nice Yeah Little cock ring The other day I took a little 3C And so whenever I do I always like figure out the universe

Yeah, you and your friends always figure it out But then you black out, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah And so I always write Knitting is like the one thing I tell myself To try and remember And I never know what it is your friends always figured out but then you black out yeah yeah and so i always write like i knitting is like the one thing i tell myself to try and remember and i never know what it is so this time i write down more i know so i did and i wrote this whole thing and at the time i was like convinced it was a rosetta stone but i wrote this whole long thing and it's it is the universe like i figured

it out oh yeah like i don't I can't explain it right now. Oh, well, then what good is it? I just want you guys to know. Give me a contribution, Jackie. I know, I know. There wasn't much. I don't mean to interrupt you. What is this about?

Are we just doing slices of ham in a bag? All right. I knew this was going to come up. You think? You think it was going to come up? We're mid-philosophical conversation. Jackie's about to tell us the secrets of the universe, and you pull out a rogue bag of what appears to be smoked ham?

I'm hungry. Is that honey ham? Yeah, you want a piece? No. Decidedly not. All right. I'll take a slice. Oh.

And this is why I actually believe John. Oh, he lost a slice. He's going to eat it anyway, isn't he? I was going to say, we may have lost a slice. Oh. And this is why I actually believe John. Oh, he lost a slice. He's going to eat it anyway. I was going to say, we may have lost a slice. Oh, no. Bro, don't do that. Oh, my God. Eating a wet slice of rogue bag ham off the ground of a car?

Here's the deal, too. It's not even like a fucking Ziploc bag. Yeah, it's just a bag. Like, I'm a firm believer in the five second rule and five seconds really means more like forever, really. But not when it's the floor

that we put our wet feet on. Yep. And it's a wet food, so it... I dropped a slice of pizza on my kitchen floor the other day, face down. You did?

Yeah, I did. Scooped it right back up. There was a perfect little triangle of oil right on my floor. I was like, whatever, bro. So, I knew that was going to come up. I was hungry. I was leaving that apartment. I knew I'm not going to be back for a few days. That ham wasn't going to keep. I was going to get hung on this ride. I knew. Two birds, one stone.

I figured I was going to. I'm not going to pretend that's something I regularly do all the time. That's three birds. It's going to go bad. You're hungry. And you happen to be going on a trip. It's just take care of everything. I'm not like a guy walking around. I'm not going to be like, oh, you want my pocket ham?

That's totally normal. No. No. I know it's a little obscure, a little odd. But I think it makes perfect sense. I was hungry. I've been up since 730 this morning. It's now 10 a.m. I haven't eaten yet. Had a bag of sense. I was hungry. I've been up since 7.30 this morning. It's now 10 AM.

I haven't eaten yet. Had a bag of ham, ready to go. This is why I do genuinely believe in how simple you are. You really don't strive for any answers or anything, because you're just a man eating a bag of ham. Here's the deal. Earth's been around for hundreds of thousands of years, millions of years probably. A lot of people smarter than me striving for answers.

A lot of people smarter than me. A lot of people smarter than me striving for answers, and they all died without any fucking answers. So why am I going to be the one to crack the code? I think I'll just chill. Thank you very much. The ham fucked up my phone screen, and now I can't, like, touch things. It thinks my finger's touching the screen. Yeah, that's going to happen to you.

That happens when you get ham fingers. That right there was your most convincing argument ever. That really is, that's the one. Super smart people dedicate their lives to figuring shit out. Now, it's not like I'm... They die having achieved nothing. Okay, but that's fair. That's why I'm not going to go be a scientist. But I would like to know things. I would prefer they get the answers and I learn about them.

But even when we learn, people who are like, oh, I learned. Unless you are like an accredited person, like someone who's like, I learned, I read a book. You spent three hours like fucking well no but i mean yeah listen the people who read a book or like i said watch a documentary and then turn around and are like trying to preach you that that topic fuck those people

yeah you know i just have my own minuscule amount yeah but i but i would rather know some shit than not know some shit it It's more fun not. It's more easy not. It's more easy to, more better for sure. More better. Speaking of better, betterhelp.com is where you can go to make sure that, you know, sometimes I freak myself out when I do these things. I start to freak out about life and what's right and wrong and what I should do and not do.

The next thing you know, I need a fucking therapy session because I was talking to Jackie about glitch talk. So whatever your triggers may be, whatever your problems may be, BetterHelp.com is an online therapy service that helps you through those problems. So whether you have anxiety or depression or you want to just keep up with your mental health, which is what I think everyone should do. Like, you know how they tell you to take the hair medicine before you start losing your hair. You should do the therapy before you go crazy. And you should listen to them. Yeah.

Which is a step I've learned recently that's helpful. Oh, you started listening to your therapist? If you will, just like. What a pussy. Just like, I don't know, being open and honest. Yeah. And not being like, yeah, things are great. What's up with you?

I got to stop. I spent two years just being like. Good, you? Things are great. What's up with you? I got to stop. I spent two years just being like, good, things are dope. What's up with you? Good, you? Just trying to impress my therapist.

I know, and they know it too. Look how much I don't need to be here. But you know what? You're the most narcissistic asshole I've ever met in my life. And then they just sit there going, I'll just keep

cashing this guy's checks for two years before we even start. Like, you could be two years into therapy and they'll be like, okay, now we begin. You Like, you could be two years into therapy, and they'll be like, okay, now we begin. You ready, big boy?

Yeah. Okay. Sorry, we all believed you were so great. Yeah, we watched you. That's why you fucking came to the doctor's office, dude. Yeah. Because I'm talking about how awesome you're doing. But even if you are doing awesome, keep it that way.

Go to betterhelp.com slash KFC or promo code KFC. And either way, you'll get your first month. You get 10% off your first month. It's betterhelp.com slash KFC. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash KFC. You get 10% off your first month. Even though we're in the whip, we're going to get to our video voicemails like we always do. We'll do Am I the Asshole?

Do we have an interview today? Fortune. Fortune Feimster on the show today. You remember her from Chelsea Handler. And, you know, Josh Wolfe and Joe Coy was on the show with her there. So she's on with us today. Today we're going to the Whistlepig Distillery. Nick makes it sound like we're going to be doing, I don't even, God knows what.

This is a five-part series. Yeah, like, I thought we were just going to go get a tour of, like, barrels of whiskey. I thought we were going to do Friday night pints, to be honest. Yeah, we're going to be doing pints from the distillery. We're up in Vermont drinking that good, good Whistlepig. So make sure you go get yourself a bottle of Whistlepig. And if you can, get the new piggybacks in a can. Is Whistlepig not in?

If you can't, you're not cool enough. Maybe we'll let you get it one day. You can get them online. We actually have been talking to the Whistlepig people. They said that they would let us determine the next state that they're going to release it in. Shut up, really? Yeah. So... Leave a comment on the YouTube. If you comment

on the YouTube, like, where you live... We really get that? Yeah. You're not fucking with me? No. We get to pick the state that gets these? We have, like, input. We have input on, like, which state goes next. We are accepting bribes as well. So if you want it, hit the fucking Venmo, dog.

Leave a comment. Where do you live? Why do you think that piggybacks should be available in your state next? And we'll see what we can do. This is turning into a Whistlepig ad, which we don't have just yet. It is coming later in the show. So we're going to push this all to that because I've got more to say. Okay.

All right. Like I said, put a pin in that. The Dozen has gone from one of my new favorite things to just like mute it. I can't take it. I can't even keep up. I guess Chicago is the new villains or some shit.

People don't like the way they handled it and Brandon Walker is bullying Jeff D. Lowe. Hank is super mad. He And Brandon Walker is bullying Jeff D. Lowe Hank is super mad He's in the comments calling Jeff D. Lowe a tyrant At least he's only calling him a tyrant nowadays Ordinarily when Hank is mad at you on the internet It's a different word

And that folks is growth That is what we call maturity And it's because he wore a shirt That said I was an internet troll for 30 days. Oh, wait. Where are your fucking beans at? Are they in there? Yeah, I brought... I mean, I brought...

What do you mean you brought... No, I'm wearing the beans right now. No, you're not. Yeah, I am. No, I'm currently... I just... You can't see, but I... Well, let me see then.

Well, I... It's... It's... You're just... I can see you. No, I'm not. Right? I'm looking at you. No, I, it's, um. It's. You're, you're, I can see you. No, I'm not. Right? I'm looking at you. I'm currently wearing the beans right now.

No, you're not. No, I am. I can see you. Oh, look at that. This is crazy. The disrespect. We're in the car right now. No, I know.

No, that was, it was, it was, it was like 6 a.m. I don't fucking care what time it is. Again, I don't think you know what 24-7 means. I know, but... Jackie threw up a Hail Mary hoping for a glitch in the Matrix, though. She was just like, no, I'm wearing them. No, no. And you were just looking at her ankles.

You're like, no, you're not. She's like, no, I am. Watching her fiddle through a bag, look for beans. Like, I'm wearing them. She just kept saying, I am. You can't see me. I just kind of kept encapsulating you. Oh, my God.

What were we saying? But the move of all moves in this little dozen controversy was Riggs trading himself. I respect that move. I like that. After trying to trade both of his other teammates. Oh, he tried to trade them both? He tried to trade Dante and Hank. That got vetoed.

And then he said, all right, well, then fuck it. I'm out. Just trade me to this team. I mean, there are people in this office who are burning, like, legitimate bridges, like friendship and coworker relationship bridges over the dozen. I guess that's my question. And perhaps I'm breaking kayfabe, and I apologize if I am. Like, what is the seriousness level?

The seriousness level of many people, and particularly the fans. The dozen fans are the craziest fans at Barstow. In the world. They have surpassed them in advance. You are the biggest fucking lunatics on the internet. 100%. And I don't want to disparage them, but also they're fucking losers. Yeah.

You're maniacs. I appreciate passion. I was, like... I appreciate passion. I get passionate about dumb shit, too. But you have to know when there's a line. Or you have to at least recognize your ridiculousness. When people are complaining about questions and complaining about Brandon Walker and the seedings and the rankings and shit. I was reading a Reddit thing the other day,

and it was this girl complaining about her parents. And I forget what, like, it was on the front page. I forget what r slash it was technically belonging to. But essentially what she was doing was she was complaining. Maybe it was r slash insane parents. And her parents are diehard Harry Potterry potter fans okay and everything in their house is harry potter their christmases are themed harry potter the children are named under harry potter characters and they're not lock them up and they're not allowed to hang out

with other people who like aren't crazy about harry potter or something like that like they can't they can't hang out with people who don't like harry potter how old are their children she seemed like she was probably i i'm oh she was old enough to be posting on Reddit. Yes, yeah. I was going to say my shot on the doc was 16. I mean, those kids should get emancipated. And she said something that reminded me of a lot of people we know, and particularly people who are fans of...

And shout out to the chicken heads, because I don't think you guys are like this. Chicken heads. They're fans of the other shows, and this girl just ended it with, I just want to hang out with people who like things a normal amount. There it is. I mean, the word normal is so important in this world. Being normal can apply to anything.

You don't have to be a diehard fan. You don't have to be a diehard hater. You don't have to love too hard hate too hard fight to just be normal have a normal level of appreciation and love and hate and understanding for all things just be normal you don't have to ruin everything it was such a that's not p that's not p it's such a passionate explanation of everything that's going on in our life and just just, like, the too long, didn't read of it was, like, I just want to hang out with normal people who like normal things a normal amount. Yes. Bro, put that on my fucking tombstone.

Like, did things a normal amount. The Riggs thing, I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure, like, I mean, again, because I don't really care, but if, like, my teammate, like, if Rudy, if I just found out that Rudy tried to, like, secretly trade me and Jack Mack, I would kind of be like, what the fuck is that about? Bro, now, I mean, now that we're talking about it, I'd love to trade my two teammates. Yo, if we, if I don't, I'm not, I'm not ever going to bail on anybody on your mom, but if we could be a four-man team, you, you belong over here. Dude, it was, like, I didn't even realize.

I'm fucking pretty good at trivia. When the All-Star thing came out, people were, like, tweeting, like, the Team Nightmare things. Dude, I average, like, five points a game. My two teammates average, like, one. Five points is good, right? And they cheat. What the fuck, man? I love... Riggs, hit me up, bro.

Let's start a new squad. Well, apparently... Fuck this expansion team. Now I'm getting gassed up. Fuck you guys. I'm going to cheat. I got to carry your burden of an asterisk and carry the team. It's crazy.

The team that Riggs now assembled, he went ahead and, I guess, Kevin Durant did himself. And it's, like, him and Castellani, who's got, you know, Tism's strength, and somebody else who is. Great voice on Castellani, too. What? Castellani's got great voice. Singing voice?

Yeah. Really? Hang on. I'm going to pull it up. I saw it last night. Someone tweeted it, and I didn't know what he was talking about. And, like, it was, like, a pretty quick reply. It was, got a great voice. Singing voice? Yeah. Really? Hang on, I'm going to pull it up. I saw it last night. Someone tweeted it, and I didn't know what he was talking about. And, like, it was, like, a pretty quick reply. It was, like, his voice.

He also, I didn't watch it because, again, normal amount. But he had, like, my thoughts on the dozen issues. I got motherfuckers putting out, like, press releases and shit. But it's, like, Riggs, Castellani, and someone else who I guess is really good. So they're, like, well, this is, like, now the best team in the league. And where was Jeff D. Lowe on this one? Who fucking cares, man? Who could

possibly care about this? This is Dear Evan Hansen, which is a shitty play in a shittier movie, but Raven's through a window. Okay. Yeah, right? Okay. Chrissy Pipe's over there. But I believe, like, I mean, poor Kelly Keegs.

Between Barstool America, where she was just getting shipped around from team to team, and now this, where she got the boot, I think she's out for fucking blood. She's out for vengeance, man. Again, not the person you want to cross. No. She's putting, she's she's talking about ghosts and shit she's putting hexes on people she's you'll have a curse on you so fast jeff d low you won't know what hit you you think you got problems now wait for a fucking kelly keegs voodoo um but like none

of this dozen stuff affected me but it like now i'm, I don't care. You know what I mean? Where it turned you off. Yes. Like, even if... I get that. If there's like... I get turned off. The moment someone

likes something I like, I'm immediately turned off to it. Yeah, we... Fuck, I gotta find something new. Yeah, we also say that we're not contrarians. But no, it's only a person close to me.

Like, once someone I like, I'm friends with, but I'm like, oh, you don't talk to me. Like, no, that's not thing you do yeah yeah but like if strangers love it you're all good yeah strangers do I mean I was like most of the things I like are very popular but when someone in my circle is giving the world's collide thing and I'm like now you don't like yeah that is very you are the paradox of like being the most basic of bitches, yet also a contrarian.

Yeah. It's wild. Where are you at on NFTs? Non-fungible tokens? Yeah. My favorite. I just saw this new chick. My brother, of course, is, like, you know, deep into this stuff.

Oh, he's... Oh, fuck. Welcome to Massachusetts. That mean that guy should definitely be pulling me over. But he's not. Why, because you were going 80 and texting? Yeah. But he's not.

So we dodged one bullet. This chick is now selling photos of herself clothed. This girl, they're going for like $10,000 a pop. There are people out there on the internet now paying for clothed pictures of women. $10,000. Yeah. We've come full circle. It's like, it's like,

people are, are, like, remember back in the day when you could only use, like, the Sears catalog? Do you think people

are pounding off to that? I'm sure people are pounding off to that. Why? It's a hot Asian girl. She's pretty, but, like, why do you think

they're pounding off to it? Because people pound off to everything on the internet. But, like, just because it's an NFT, I just think it's an investment. Well, I mean, yes, there's definitely an element of that, and that's why they're paying. But I also think they're like, I'll jerk off to my investment. Maybe once, but I think you are.

You know what it is? I bet you it's that it's like you can't jerk off to it because it's mine. Yeah, but, well, see, that's. And then here we run into the, yeah, this's like you can't jerk off to it because it's mine. Yeah, but. But, well, see, that's. And then here we run into the. Yeah, this is. I can't jerk off to that. Yes.

And it's like I can look at your NFT, but you can't. Yeah. Like Darren Revell couldn't jerk off to that because he needs to have ownership of that. He's got Harry Tubman, so he's good. Has anybody ever been more out of pocket, as the kids say, than Darren Revelle on this Black History Month? The thing is, there are parts of it where I'm like, it is like the worst person you've ever met is making a solid point. Absolutely. But it does not need to be said out loud, ever.

Like, he could appreciate black history. But he shouldn't own it all. Yes. So here's the thing. When he was like, I'm sorry that a white person took interest in black history. Am I not allowed to do that? Like, that's 100% a reasonable statement, right? Yeah.

When an inherent piece of black history is white people owning black people and things, and then you're a white man who owns all the black things yeah i own it you can't have it there's gonna be problems dude there's gonna be problems like like revel the only what i've learned is like the only reason revel even worked is to save up he's just trying to buy the elgin marbles back like he fucking needs like what what do you what like it is cool like there are some there is some part that it is cool like it is some part of it. It is cool. What's cool? I don't doubt that.

I don't disagree that the fucking sign-in sign-out from the Birmingham jail is a fucking cool piece of memorabilia. It's not a piece of memorabilia. It's a piece of humongously important history to a huge portion of people to an entire race of people that you do not belong to like if a black dude owned that

I mean I kind of believe that and he bought it off the warden the warden's family it's not like the king's sold it

that's like directly from the guy who was imprisoning the guy the warden's family sold it and you know what

so fine then even you take it a step further and it's like who was imprisoning the guy. The Bordens family sold it. And you know what? So, fine. Then even you take it a step further, and it's like, what is that dome thingy right there? Epcot. It does look like it. That's the Basketball Hall of Fame, right?

Oh, yeah, it is. Jesus. Shout out to black people. You know, look at that. Perfect. There you go, Kev. Nation's Memorial. The white guy who was owning it all.

We'll fucking nosedive this one real quick. He also was like somebody, the problem with this shit is they immediately were like, donate it.

Like, give it to a fucking, you know, give it to like a museum if you're like so into it. And he was like, I'll loan it to them, but why should I just like give it into it. And he was like, I'll loan it to them. But why should I just like give it to them?

And I was like, I kind of understand that too. Don't say these things out loud, Darren Rameau. I was going to say the. He said there's plenty of things on display that like the owners still retain ownership of it. So I'm like, well, that seems fair too. But again, you just sound like this maniacal white man buying up all the black culture and being defiant about it. You crazy asshole.

This is the most appropriation I've ever seen in my life. More so than when Madonna had cornrows. This is the, what was I going to say? I don't think it's out of the question to be like, well, why don't you just buy it from me? Like the Smithsonian. Like, I would... But the Smithsonian, the Smithsonian is like, give it to us.

Yes. Like, you get... Like a billion dollars, I don't know what they're worth. If I have a zillion dollar endowment. Humongous government, yeah, endowment, whatever you want to call it.

Yep. Funding. Like, why don't you just buy it? It could have been... I don't think it's... I don't think Darren's got crazy, crazy money. Like, it can't be an insane price. Yeah. But,

you're right. All of these things are correct, but then you just run into like, okay, well now you're like directly profiting off of, you know, Martin Luther King Jr. Face value. Reimbursary for it. Right, that's fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he shouldn't just get bullied out of like thousands of dollars because, but I, I, I

think it all would have been much better had he not been like, I'm not racist because I own all the black stuff and I have black friends. Yeah. That was, you know, then he, then he put the bullseye on his back as he always fucking I'm not racist. I own six black people. I got black NFTs. so I can't be racist. That was some wild shit, man.

He has dug a lot of holes in his life. That was the deepest. The Quigs, two clips he put up. What did he do? It was the very, the first one is, it's a black and white photo of Martin Luther standing on, I forget the name of the steps. I don't know. I'm not Darren Revelle. Whatever steps he gave the I Have a Dream speech on. And it says, big, big capital letters.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but the content of their character. Martin Luther King. The next image is the same background with Darren Revelle in his Gatorade jacket pose. And it says, I have over nine MLK signed items. I am a humongous fan of what he's done.

And over the last seven years, I've collected a lot of black history. I own a Rosa Parks signed NAACP card. So it was pretty shocking today when I was called racist. When I am a student lover of black history, I'm sorry if people think a white man can't enjoy black history. I really am. I'm sorry for people who think that a black man can't love, a white man can't love Martin Luther King.

Did you see the picture of... I'm sorry you exist. I, I've, I've unfollowed him. I haven't blocked him so I'm not,

I don't know, because I dislike him a normal amount. He's a, he's an unfollowed mute, which is, I think, a very short list of people.

Yeah. You know, just like, I don't even want to come across your shit. So I think Coley said it. Everything I ever learned about Darren Revelle, I learned against my will. And that is very true.

Have you ever seen the picture of the white guy posing in front of the MLK statue? I definitely have. He's in a Celtic jersey. The white one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's crossing his arms like MLK is. And then there's a black guy in between him and the statue. And he's just like, what the fuck is this?

Speaking of other insufferable people on the internet, you see Rex Chapman got a TV show. Yeah. I mean, that is, I don't know. Rex Chapman, if he was a, just a continued, like, basketball Twitter account. Whatever. He drives me crazy because we are in this internet nerd world where it's like, I don't like that

and you should be following me. But what he's parlayed it into is this I guess you gotta snake it till you make it. Good for you, dude. I don't follow him. I see things retweeted. I don't find him and this is, I don't follow him. I like... I see things retweeted. Yeah. I don't find him... And this is...

I don't know who this is negative towards. Or positive towards. I don't find him that different than like... The Barstool account. Uh... Joey Langone might kill you in your sleep. He might kill you in your sleep. Well, like I don't follow him.

So I don't see everything. But occasionally I see something retweeted, and it's just a comment on a video. So he built his initial following off of... I know Blocker Charge. That one I'm actually okay with because that was an original thing that he came up with, and then people comment, whatever. Most of his shit was very old videos that he was either parlaying

Which we do all the time now. We put up the sea shanty guys the other day. Barstool Sports posted the sea shanty guys the other day. I'm not... That's just a fact. I'm not like... That was on my Instagram timeline the other day. We're not going to get any social posts anymore.

I don't think it's as bad as what Rex Chapman used to do. Yeah, that's true. We're burning a bridge that was never fucking up anyway. Send him every week. Whatever. I think that early on it was pretty egregious what he was doing. I think right now Barstool, the social account for Barstool... I don't like him.

I'm not like... I'm just like... But it just seems like he's an internet guy. Yeah. I think the old videos... You know, Barstool has to like kind of play by the rules now and there's just like such a limited amount of shit

that we can post that I think sometimes it's like you gotta put something up. But old videos, when you're out, when you're doing the, you're like playing by the code of the internet and people post old shit, you know how that is. You know what I mean? If somebody would put up a blog of something that was like, you know,

a couple weeks old, let alone fucking years old. We'd clown it. Yeah. Yeah. So that was like an entire. And then when we did it, we'd own it though. We'd be like, ah, that was stupid. Yeah, he, like, so that was, like, an entire... And then when we did it, we'd own it, though. We'd be like, ah, that was stupid. Yeah, he doesn't really do that.

And then he started to get himself in trouble when he was, like, he was posting... He was getting got. Remember there was that one thing where he, like, he said that Republicans were, like, stop, like, blocking mailboxes to stop mail-in votes or something like that? And it just, like... No, it was... It was old and not true. And he just, he dipped his toe

into the political world but I think I think what bothered people was the old videos and the corniness of like you know

like here's like a timeline cleanser sort of timeline cleanse that's fucking eye rolling that's eye rolling but it's all eye rolling

we don't put up like cute videos and tag I can't even Yeah So here's the pupper Happy Friday hashtag I can't even Send your doggos Send your doggos

Once he got political And was clearly on the left It was like His quote tweet about it was bad. It's like, I hope you don't get hooked on this, but I know a guy. Never mind, I was going to say that's kind of funny. That is funny. And that's also at the end of the day.

It was lame when I read it, but saying it out loud, I'm like, wait, that's kind of good. Yeah. At the end of the day, I don't begrudge him because, like, he has turned it around in such a major way that it's like, you're going to knock a guy because some videos were old or some of the videos were a little bit, like, corny by your internet standards, even though he's, like, rehabilitated, you know, his entire life. Like, what's the problem, you know? Yeah, yeah. But it also, it just, like.

I want to be very clear what i see usually annoys me it just that's not very different that goes for twitter yeah so you're just annoyed by everything yeah so like but like it does it he i guess i guess the problem is that he's a person and not a company but like most like internet companies that share videos, he doesn't strike me as different than that. Yeah. Like, if he was called, like, I don't know, fucking, I don't know, whatever, make up a company name, and that was his handle rather than just his name,

I think it wouldn't be as big a thing. But I do think that matters almost, because, like I said, you know, like, when Barstool posts some of the cringy shit, it's almost like we have to because we're a company that needs to play by rules and still pay the bills where it's like if you're an individual and you like that shit i don't you know they're probably not you just paying the bills i think that's what i mean it's kind of like you know okay haters whatever um but also man it just sucks that it's

like if we just picked a side and went with it we'd probably fucking have a tv show you know what i mean just pick a political side go on dude the fucking fucking a man the fucking there's no better way to get in than fucking get fucking really passionate about something dude it is that's why our be normal like things the normal amount actually just fucks us like every time like there's someone like because you just get everyone all you have to do is say something just fucking surface level idiot and people either retweet it immediately if they agree with you or quote tweet it dunk on you because it's so easily dunkable dunkable and dude that fucking handicapped dude in north Carolina, that motherfucker goes viral every day.

What's that? What's his name? Madison Cawthorn or whatever his name is? I don't know this. He's that fucking handicapped dude. He's a handsome guy, but he's handicapped. He's in a wheelchair. He's a Republican congressman.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. He's young, and he's going like the next like star for them because he's republican yeah well but no because you think he had happened in battle it didn't um so doesn't count so it's like i like because you see it like oh that's a war hero and it's like no he's in a car accident bro i found out i i i have a like a great uncle i had a great uncle he's gone now he uh was like severely disabled and like probably should have been in a wheelchair but just kind of toughed it out and like like just hobbled around for years and years his wife got polio and he used to just carry her what crazy just like one of the grittiest toughest

motherfuckers i ever knew and was in you know probably like the fucking war of 1812 he was so old but i found out that he got like like, his injuries and his, like, disabilities was that he got in a bar fight and got hit with a pool cue in the head. And then, like, you know, fucking knocked out some shit and he couldn't walk anymore. I was like, oh, I thought you got, like, a medal and got, like, honorably discharged. No, dude, you were just getting

hit in the head with pool cues. But, yeah, that guy... He tweeted the other day, a hundred different times. And all he tweeted was, the founding fathers would be embarrassed of America today. Oh, it's... And everyone's like, hell yeah, they would.

And everyone quotes him. And then everyone on the left quotes him. Yeah, because we freed the slaves. Right. And then it's a fact that someone serves us like, yeah, that's right. George Washington would be embarrassed. And then it's very easily done.

We'll be like, well, yeah, no no shit they don't like a lot of the things we do now and it's that are good but but that guy is I mean you know Rittenhouse is is gonna be like president one day because they just like it and this is I think I mentioned this before but when I tell girls to be on OnlyFans and I'm like just fucking do it and they're like I can't and I'm like why because your do it. And they're like, I can't. And I'm like, why? Because of your morals? Because of your image?

And the same version of that is us just selling out and becoming, you know, we could easily be, like, gun boys, and people would love us for it. Right. You know? And we could probably be, like, substantially richer. You realize that? You realize that? You realize I'm probably just gonna end up Trying to talk you into doing this

Like if we just Came out and said I've been hiding it all along Cause of Libstool But I'm You know Give me my guns

And my fucking You know My oil And My oil Fucking no abortion I think we gotta read up a little bit Like what else do they like? Before we come out as Republicans No No abortions. I think we've got to read up a little bit. Like, what else do they like?

Before we come out as Republicans. No abortions and guns and oil. I don't drive electric cars. I gas. I get in my trucks and my guns, and don't you have no abortions? I could imagine if they were like, yeah! And I'm like, give me my guns.

Like, yeah! And no abortions. Yeah! And oil! And they're like, okay, And I'm like, give me my guns! Like, yeah! And no abortions! Yeah! And like, and oil! And they're like, oh, okay, he had the oil! I guess.

Sure. I guess we need that too. It's not really our thing, but like, yeah! There are so many fucking cops out here. Do you think, officer,

I was doing a podcast would work? We might find out. At this rate, Jesus Christ, I'm going to have to just throw this bitch in cruise control

and go like 45. What if, what if one of us goes hardcore left, one of us goes hardcore right and that's our shtick? I didn't do debate club. What if,

I don't think I'd be able to do shtick. What if we don't? What does that mean? What if we just do our regular show? Because like everything else, you know, Chicklets is a hockey podcast. No, it's not. Right, right, right. Frankie says they talk more about space and aliens on 4Play than they do golf these days.

Uh-huh. So we could just keep doing our show, but, like, our bio says, like, 100% red-blooded American, you know, Republican conservative gun-toting KFC and his lip-stool cuck, Feidelberg. Okay. And then we just do our show, but we're, like, known as, you know,

these icons from each of those two. Yeah, I'm pro-J6. I'm just so... I don't even know what that means. I'm so hardcore Republican, bro. Dude, you fucked us again. You don't even know what that means. I'm so hardcore Republican, bro. You gotta read up. Is that liberal? You gotta start reading up, man.

What's J6? J6 is when we attack the Capitol, bro. Oh, J6. Okay, then you can be the Republican. Alright. I'll be the live cuck pussy. Alright, then I'm pro-J6. I was pro-J6 either way. You're J6 and I'm like kill the babies, right? Doesn't matter though, left or right, you got to make sure that you trim your pubes.

Both of them, left and right? Both your left and right. You got to make sure that both, it's evenly. What if you... Can't go too far one side, the other side gets left alone in the dark. They feel left alone, they riot. They feel like we've been left behind. They rebel.

Like the children. What if that was the thing? Like I was so hardcore right that I only shaved my left or something like that. I only cut down my left. Yeah. The rest is free to grow. I apologize. No government control.

For the continuing stereotype of the southern voice. People vote Republican in the North. Do I get to keep my voice there. We'll do this. Cannabis here. Should we make a little kid stop? Oh, that's right. We're in Massachusetts.

We can get that fucking good good. Cannabis here. Big old fucking please consume responsibly. Enlight. Enlight. Like enlightenment. Yeah, sure.

Sign me up. Let's get that medical grade, right? Get that get Like enlightenment. Yeah, sure. Sign me up. Let's get that medical grade, right? Get that P. That's P. That's P, yeah. That's P. Do you think that P is the fastest thing my people have ever ruined?

No. Lit? Fleek? Drip? I forgot about fleek. I forgot about all of it. Fleek? Fleek? forgot about all of it Fleek P is definitely up there

P just never even got a chance to soar I was going to say Before I even knew what it meant And I actually blame Gunna for that Like The minute you turn it into Like a guerrilla marketing tactic To sell your album

Like it worked But like You You bastardize that You put that out there for the whites You know what I mean? You got to keep it a little, like, tight. Keep it, like, a little secret.

Yeah, but pee, if you're using pee in a non-ironic sense right now, like, it's already too late for you. Anyway, back to making sure your balls are shaved, your body's shaved. Manscaped is pretty much, I said the number one, but the only way, like name another man, uh, lands, manscaping company. They've become like a bandaid. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're right. Manscape is the term and manscape is the company. There's probably, there's probably some other, like maybe not even, I don't even know if there's another razor company out there selling. Cause they might just be like, fuck it. We can't even compete with with them but they're probably like landscaping for your hair you know

like they fuck they got the name so manscaped is the only way to make sure you trim your your family jewels your chest your face your back hair your body hair uh for everyone else out there other than feidelberg who's an inside out cat and doesn't have to worry about this, you've got to make sure that you're hygienic and smooth and clean, and Manscaped is the way to do that. It's manscaped.com slash KFC. Code. Code KFC. 20% off. Get 20% off.

You get your free shipping. They've got everything from the lawnmower, which is their buzzer that has the ceramic blades so you don't nick yourself. They've also got boxers that are moisture wicking so that once you do trim, you're not all sweaty. They've got ball deodorant because think about it. If there's one place you should be putting it, it's like your armpits make sense, also your dick pits. Yeah, you fucking need that. You get it towards the end of the day.

You fucking start realizing, you know what, wish I had some ball deodorant on me. Yeah. No, you really do. It almost feels like there's like a and then they got the, yeah. It's like, it almost feels like there's like a fucking, I honestly can't describe it. You're, you're not, like, I almost didn't shower this morning. Oh, no. Heavens no.

Which would have been crazy. It's terrible. I was like, hey, go sit in the car now. No. Because I got fucking, I got night nut. Night nut. And, and. Night nut is like morning breath.

Yeah, yeah. So it's just like something happens overnight that's just disgusting. Night nut is like morning breath. Yeah, yeah. It's just like something happens overnight that's just disgusting. Night nut is a great term. Like, we should start a company called Night Nut to compete with Manscaped. No night nut. Night nut also is your morning fucking shot. It's all dehydrated load. Comes out like toothpaste.

You got to peel it out. Oh. I mean, that's utterly disgusting. It comes out like, you know when you get a fucking Amazon gift card, and you got to roll the plastic off the back? It's like the little hardened glue you got to roll into a little ball. When you're ripping the gift card off the back. Oh, my God. When you're activating the gift card off the... Oh, my God.

When you're activating your new credit card to peel that off, that's your night nut. You think chicks get night pussy? Can't confirm. Can't confirm. But it's different for them, because that's in the channel.

I've had a fucking mouthful of night pussy once or twice in my life. What do you think it's worse for going down on the other person? Fucking woman. I mean, a guy. Going down and eating fucking pussy in the morning. At least because you're getting inside. At least my dick's separate, man.

External, yeah. But I don't know. We're also guys. You know, so we're inherently grosser. I disagree. I fucking strongly... Are we done with the average, you gross fucking women? Yeah.

I strongly disagree that men are more disgusting. I think the stereotype that we've allowed... But no, we physically do. Like, we sweat more and all that kind of shit, you know what I mean? Maybe because I'm part chick. I don't think so. Yeah, but you are. You are. You're skewed.

Every time I've had sex in my life, she's ended up sweatier than I have. And guess what? Every time I've had sex in my life, she's been in better shape than I was. So there's no reason that she should be the sweatier one, but I just don't sweat. Yeah, but that's so you, you know, you're looking at the world in rose-colored glasses, not covered in sweat. Guys absolutely have more body odor and sweat more than chicks. So the externalness is going to be like night nuts, sticky. But girls got that internal pH shit going on that I think gets all fucked up at nighttime, man.

My dick doesn't get dirty enough that it has to have a fucking evolutionary thing where it cleans itself. Yeah. You're fucking gross hoots having women. Get that pussy Roomba going. Things just crawling up and down the walls

like the automatic pool cleaners. Historically speaking, that's how disgusting women are. Pussies are like, I gotta clean my side because fine, I'll do it myself. They're not gonna do it.

Clearly, they don't know how to keep this thing pH balanced. I'll just fucking figure it out on my own. It really is like the pool. Imagine if your dick just one day was like, all right, this dude hasn't cleaned me in three generations. His grandfather's father didn't fucking clean his cock. So I put a stop.

It ends with me. The buck stops here. The buck stops here. The nut stops here. I will learn how to clean myself since these motherfuckers refuse to do it. That's what happened to women. Okay? That's what happened.

Men learned to walk upright. Women pussies started cleaning themselves. You know, there's like the evolutionary man. Yeah. Pussies just get themselves. You know, there's like the evolutionary man. Yeah. Pussies just get, like, cleaner as it goes. I was like, all right, I'll stop leaking because I'm so fucking dirty. You know what?

Every time a woman sat down, it was like a fucking oil spill. Like a car that had been in the parking lot in a fucking roadside gas station. You know what I mean? Like, only shitty cars come here. That's what seats look like. Just any chair

for most of human history. You sit down on a chair after a chick, you just slip right off that thing. John, of human history you said you sit down on a chair after a chick you just you slip right off that John John's most creative and eloquent passion comes out talking about this guy's hygiene but I'm straight don't anyone tell you different that is absolutely your gayest. I mean, the gayest thing about you is that you desperately want to suck dick.

But the second gayest thing is how much you know how gross pussies are and vagina is and all that shit. You are. Like, you definitely hate pussy more than Pat and Zach combined. They hate pussy. They hate women. They're very open about it. They really hate women. It is the nice thing.

I guess like, like, uh, fucking, you'd be like, oh, good thing I'm being black. At least you can say the N word.

Uh, good thing I'm being gay. At least you can just be like, I fucking hate women. You provide no value to me. Yeah, that's, people are just like,

that's so cute. He's adorable. Go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go People are just like, that's so cute. He's adorable. Go, King. I never... Like, women are like, oh, that is King over there. He's like, I wish I could eradicate women of the earth. No. I never thought about that. And so I think it was Tim Dillon who said that. Like, I have no use for you.

And it's like, yeah, if you don't... If you're not going to have kids with them and you don't want to fuck them, then why would you ever put up with any of their shit? But I have no use for anybody. I'm not gay. I'm asexual. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about fucking.

At the end of the day, you do, though. No, I don't. It's not that you don't care, but you still want to do it. I only do it. At the end of the day, you'll still make dumb decisions to fuck. I don't want to do it until my dickicks are that's what I mean so yeah exactly that's all men all men pass like 30 again when you're 20 you're seeking it at all times hard or soft bro if I could fucking get stop chemical... Stop by a school right now. I'm going to get a chemical castration.

That would sell, too. I could be... I'll be the Republican. You'd be the left-leaning eunuch. I don't have the fucking balls to do it myself. I'm going to get a suicide by cop. Chemical castration by cop. Chemically castration by child. We should at some point get matching vasectomies. All right, let's go now.

Yeah, we really should. That'd be a cute little thing for us to do, huh? I'm just wondering how much chocolate I'm getting in my tea. Like, you be eating this chocolate thing?

You're fucking disgusting. Yeah. So we did the Legion of Skanks on Monday night, technically. I mentioned a little bit of this on the Kevin Clancy show, but me and Fights were invited by Louis J. Gomez

to join them at the stand. Do you think anyone's ever gone on a podcast and lost fans like we did? I don't think it impacted The KFC radio crowd

I think I think the Legion of Skanks Crowd doesn't like us To begin with Oh they don't? No I think What the fuck Did you bring me to them for then?

Well I mean I didn't I'll tell you what When we were walking there Or we were sitting At the bar before him I didn't know until It was too late

Okay Because I went on And it was fine Maybe it's you I was like Wait Who said they don't like us? The internet.

Like, when they posted that we're joining, people were like, oh, I don't like those guys. Oh, really? Just like a few people. You know, it wasn't like a million people. Why are you telling me this, dude? You're going to ruin my day. Do you really care? I don't like when people don't like me.

It makes me sad. I mean, you know, the people who were in the room, you saw it. When we left, like, we took a couple pictures, and people were shouting us out, and they said that they liked that we had Matt and Shayna and all that shit. So, like, they're normal. The normals like us. All right. I mean, think about some of the people in the Legion of Skanks, like, world.

Think those guys are going to love us talking about, like, sucking dick and stuff? No. I don't really know who's in the world of Skanks world. Think those guys are going to love us talking about sucking dick and stuff? No. I don't really know who's in the world, to be honest. Beforehand, while I was asking you, is there anything going on in this podcast I need to know, two things would have been helpful. One, all their fans hate us, and two, we don't have to talk.

Both those things would have been nice things to know. So, that's the thing. The first time I went on, it was just me. It was by myself. And we were in a studio. I think the studio makes a huge difference. Why? Because we were just, like, sitting around in a quiet studio.

They had a producer. They had the TVs up to, like, be able to run clips. They gave me a rundown of topics. They were doing an intern search. It was very barstool. Like, that seemed like a very barstool thing, the way they were running their intern search. And that I was able to jump in on because I was like, oh, when we did this at Barstool, we found this intern and that intern, you know, whatever. This one, we show up and it's at a, we're live at a comedy club, which is going to be like Big Jay Oakerson's fucking home turf.

You know what I mean? So he's going to get up on the mic and do his live comedy thing. We don't do that, you know? No. And so a couple times we tried to like... But we are not funny. You're right. I have zero problem saying that Big Jay Oakerson is funnier than me.

I think he is probably one of like the best storytelling comics like ever. You know? So if... one of the best storytelling comics ever. So, and also, he's been doing it, what? I think 20 years. Yeah, Jay is ageless to me.

The stories he tells, I feel like he's got 25 years of life experience as an adult. But I don't think he's like 50, is he? So, he is like an ageless, but I don't think he's like 50, is he? You know? So it, he is like an ageless, timeless wonder. And when he gets ripping, there's no way I'm going to try to step in and be like, um, yesterday on our show, we were talking about, you know what I mean? But also, uh, open, open your eyes to like the different types of, uh, of live podcasting out there.

Yeah. It's a topic I'm ignorant about. And there were like two or three times, well, not two, there was one time. I tried it one time and it was like, well, that's enough of that. Where I just said something, we'd be like, ooh, have a conversation about this.

And I realized they don't have a conversation. No, we were like booed off the stage every time we were like, so what about this? You know, it was like, no, just be funny at all times. That's actually why I get nervous sometimes about doing live shows because like that was like almost a standup show where everything coming out of Jay's mouth and Louis' mouth was like to be funny and to make you laugh, you know, as like a pun.

It was like everything was like a punchline of a joke as opposed to like having conversation, which I like listening to a podcast. I like, obviously like the way we do it, but when I'm in a comedy club, I feel like it's almost better to do what they do. There's a lot of downtime too. Yeah. Like a lot of, well that, that, I feel like if I was listening to that, like in the car, I'd kind of be like, I'd feel lost and I wouldn't know what's going on. If you're there, it all is a whole different element. I mean, when you're there, it's like there's a fucking tomahawk steak on the fucking table. Lewis is doing dabs.

There's shots going around. The crowd's chanting names. You know, it's like a whole experience. But, you know, it is funny to, like, I would have been confident, like, I can go on any podcast anywhere, anytime in the planet Earth and, like, hold my own. I've been doing this forever. And it was just like, oh. I was saying things. I'm just going to put my seat back.

I was saying things. I was intentionally missing the mic. What was the thought process there? I was just like, I fucking... It's like you get that early, I'm about to vomit words, and then I kind of just like, make sure I didn't say it into a mic.

I'm just kidding. The only time I had anything to say, it was hysterical, but the only time I had anything to say was when they were like, do you want to say something? They're like, do plug. That's also how you know

it's very different. I was like, what the fuck is that? Like, for comics to plug and say their credits and all that shit, that's their world.

Like, that's just not how we do things. It very much, especially when you came in to rest, would like, be like,

oh, we have a podcast called KFC Radio. We were, we were fucking audience members with a microphone. Yes.

VIP audience members. But what was wild was it was like a front row seat to one of the funniest podcasts that has ever been put out. I mean, the songs that they came up with, the Bob Saget song that Jay and Josh sung was, I mean, it had the crowd roaring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Louis was fucking moshing at one point. I mean, it's an experience,. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lewis was fucking moshing at one point. I mean, it's an experience, the skanks is, for sure. But not what we're used to. No. I don't plug, but it was very much like an older brother bringing his little brother

to something he doesn't really get thing. Yeah. And then right then I was like, brother rescued me are you cool i was like i don't know what we're talking about i i i couldn't i was like uh you know we have a million things to plug and i was like kfc radio and follow us on social media i don't even know how to fucking do this you said your instagram you started saying social media. Yeah. Instagram, Twitter. We got them all. I hate, like, it's like, you know where to find Barstool at this point, don't you?

And if you don't, you're probably not going to like us or know us anyway. So, fucking whatever, man. But I am a firm believer in, like, I would rather have that go the way it went than, like than like if we tried too hard yeah oh for sure that's when like the fans would have really hated it you know if you if you bring on that's why it's always i think having guests on shows is always a weird dynamic where it's like people who tune in want to hear like the hosts of the show and if the guest fits in seamlessly that's obviously like the dream and if the guest tells their own great stories, that's, like, the second best thing. But the thing you definitely don't want is the guest trying to, like, derail what the show is usually like and put their own shit into it.

So I'm like, hey, you guys go do your thing. And when it's that funny, I was, you know, I was just sitting there laughing. I was like fucking that guy in the Tom Green show. That dude who just laughed in the background? No. You remember that guy who sat like in the back of the set of the Tom Green show? I don't remember. His only thing was just to fucking like laugh at Tom Green.

But an interesting experience nonetheless. I would like do it again, even how awkward it was. It was like if you get a front row seat to Big J big j when he's cooking like that i'll fucking go every single time that that gift of storytelling you're up there as one of the best storytellers ever too it's just about having the experiences to to like tell it too you know what i mean yeah yeah and those guys have years and years of weird dark comedian lifestyle that just nobody else really has um all right let's get into emma the asshole and then we'll do voicemails in our interview with fortune

emma the asshole is brought to you by who was whistle pig whistle pig whoa pig. Whoa. I have bad news. We're not actually persuading who the next state is. What the fuck was that all about? I said it. I didn't think you were going to believe it. Bro, why wouldn't I believe that? Why would we? Why would we be able to pick

alcohol regulations? It's not regulations. That is a disappointment. What are you talking about? able to pick like alcohol regulations and states and shit. Well it's not regulations. Oh, what? That is a disappointment. What are you talking about? I just wanted people to fucking comment and like and send, you know. Well maybe they have.

Maybe you won, but you let us all down at this point. I didn't know whether to keep it going because you so, it was, I feel like I was like, I felt like my sixth year. Bro, we're going for a private tour to do a show there. We have a big ad deal with them. Why wouldn't we have a, that's not crazy that we'd have a little input.

Well, how about this? I should have known the second you walked it back. We have input. I should have known. I should have known the second I looked at you and smiled. I looked at you and smirked. And I said, yeah, we totally do. Maybe we can ask them.

Maybe we will get some. Maybe we will get some. Maybe we will. Okay. So we've made a couple promises to a couple people who commented on our Instagram post. You mind if we make this next one Rhode Island? Yeah. You could do me a real solid and launch this in Texas next. I got oil, you know.

Maybe we will. Maybe that will be our goal over this trip here is to tell them where they should release them. Well, wherever it is, you should go online and get it. That's the thing. It doesn't matter. People, it's like, you know, you buy everything online. And I know liquor and alcohol is sort of the thing you just stop off at on your way home from work. And that's the appeal is you get it right away.

But just order it now and you'll have it at home, you know, whenever it ships. And it is. Go to piggybackrysmash.com. I will admit, my goal two is to maybe influence what state's next. Goal one, I need them to get a new URL. New website.

Piggybackrysmash is not great, but also, you're not gonna to forget it, because I keep saying it, Piggyback Rye Smash, where you can order the piggybacks, which are... They are so good. Look, here's a little look behind the curtain here. Sometimes ads are just ads. They are what they are. Other times, we really, truly think it's an awesome product, and we go a little overboard.

It's almost like I was talking about the the other day where you can tell with a quarterback or how someone feels about a player if they give the stock. He's a good dude. My guy answer. Or if he goes overly in-depth about how much he likes that guy. We go overly in-depth about how much we like piggyback. How about this? Crossing into Vermont right now.

How about that for timing? Perfect serendipity. It's a product that, it's almost a step further where it's a product that, check out that snowmobile. That's some gazo shit right there. Dude, one of the more ridiculous things that's ever happened.

Riding in the car during a blackout tour like me, Gaz, and Hank. Fucking snowmobile passes us. Gaz goes, I recognize that hog I've seen around the mountain before. One of the more ridiculous things is that... Actually, wait, I recognize that hog I've seen around the mountain before. One of the more ridiculous things

is that... Actually, wait, I don't think I was in the car with that. I think Hank tweeted that and I've become so in love with that that I've like... Put yourself in the story. In my mind,

I've come into that story. I think it was just Hank and Gaz. I feel like Gaz just being a snowmobile guy is one of the more absurd far-straw things. It's perfectly Gaz. Snowmobile and white trash. Is it? Oh, yeah.struck things. It's not perfectly gas. Snowmobile and white trash.

Is it? Oh, yeah. It's like jet skiing. It's the jet ski in the snow. I think I'm going this weekend. Can't confirm. Anyway, Whistlepig... Nick, I like how you're like sneaky or white trash correspondent. Every time we say something, Nick's like,

yup, do that. He's like, yep, I'm eating you're like sneaky or white trash correspondent. Every time we say something, Nick's like, yup, do that. He's like, yep, I'm eating beans for dinner while I go snowmobiling. Oh, that used to be my favorite food growing up. Beans and hot dogs. Yes, I was about to say beans and hot dogs. Perfect. Oh, thank you, Jackie. Put those back in your socks.

But Whistlepig is not only something that we like and believe in as a good product, but I also think it's going to be like the, I want to hitch my wagon to this one because I think it's going to be the next alcoholic drink of the summer. Yeah. Like, like the same way the seltzers were. It's a whiskey. It's not a whiskey seltzer year round, baby year round.

You can do it in the cold. You can do it at home cold. You can do it at home, inside, outside. It doesn't matter. And I think that they've nailed it with these first three flavors. I'm sure there'll be more, but the X factor being that a it's whiskey and B it's good whiskey is going to open up the door to like, you know, an entirely new, uh, um, audience to, to buy. So I feel like it's good, we enjoy it, and we also know it's going to be an absolute monster. And right now, only a few of you are lucky.

It's in Vermont, it's in New Hampshire. Mass. Mass. We've got a lot of tweet signs in Massachusetts. I think there's some weird, like, I think, like, Georgia and Tennessee has it. I guess Tennessee whiskey, you know, that makes sense. But there's a few, few rogue ones. So anything's possible to see which, which state is next. So until that day happens,

until it's in your state, go to piggybackrysmash.com to order yours. Obviously it must be 21 or older. And if you are lucky enough that it is in your state, when you hit up your local liquor store and you do buy it, take a picture, tweet it at us, send us a picture of the display that's in the liquor store, write your distributor, and give a good old Whistlepig shout-out. Let us know why you Whistlepig. Like today, I'll tell you why I'm going to Whistlepig. I'm doing a day trip to Vermont. Yeah, that's crazy.

Driving up tonight, driving back, driving up this morning, driving back tonight. Who does that? Who does an eight-hour round trip in one day? That's why I'm going to whistle pig. Let me know why you whistle pig. Am I the asshole today? What do we got, Nick?

I got you. I got you. Am I the asshole for hiding embarrassing notes in my house as a joke because I know my fiance's mom snoops? Wait, did I do this? Did I do this? I feel like I read this one before.

I don't think so. No, okay, I think I just had a private conversation. Okay, yeah. Okay. I bought a house seven years ago and I met my fiance, Al, four years ago,

the year he moved in. Real quick side note, is the microphone picking up that vibrating? The GoPros might be. I don't think that your lobs are picking it up. Okay.

No, the lobs definitely won't pick it up. That would be an argument for Jackie. Yeah. No, I mean, it's the most sensitive thing in the world. If you're not, like, perfectly in the middle of the fucking lane, it buzzes. It is crazy. I will defend both of you on that.

Jackie, there is some swerving. Kevin, it's overly sensitive. There is no swerving. It is. The, uh, what is it? I bought a house seven years ago, and i met my fiancee out four years ago this year he moved in we're talking about making it a home for both of us i would imagine so he fucking moved in that's some fucking chick shit like you can get away with not having the home

be for both of us that's bullshit that just proves that the default is, like, it's the chick's home. Yeah. Dude, imagine, like, I owned a house, and my girlfriend moved in, and it was like, do not fucking touch my Patriots posters. Right. This is a man's house, not a woman's house. This house is not for both of us. You'd be like, what, you abusive asshole. Or even worse, like, if you moved in and you were like, don't worry, I'll let you live here too. I'll allow you to have your personal preferences in your home.

I'll give you a drawer, but you live here. It's not like, okay, you can have a drawer and you have your own apartment. You have a drawer, but you live here. That's the most you get. Now, part of it too, though, is that I think most times guys do admit that, you know. It's like, I don't know. I let you. Yeah, yeah. But if you don't and you want to design or whatever, you should fucking be able to also if it's half your house.

That should be very fair, I think. Okay, here we are. But as of now, he hasn't moved much stuff in. Okay. Well, kind of came right back to bed. There you go There you have it One more line

Johnny boy Right now 95% of the stuff In the furniture In the house Is mine Alright You win this round

Bitch That's something I might have wanted To project real quick When his mom Comes over She's kind of a snoop He was used to that

But when she comes To our house It's so uncomfortable Because she's just going through my shit. When I am bothered, she's like, I was just helping with chores, etc. He said I should just let her because she has a lot of nervous energy. Fuck you. I fucking hate people like that. That's a chick thing, too.

Like, I have a nervous stomach ache. What? Shut the fuck up. Just stop being nervous, then. What, are the fuck up. Just stop being nervous then. We'll be going to war or something? It's just a regular ass day. Nervous stomachache. Shut up.

One thing she snooped on was actually embarrassing. In my home office, I had a little affirmation post-it note on my monitor saying, I am smart. I am skilled. I am deserving of great things. Lame. Yeah. Guess what?

No, you're not. Like, how many people in this world are deserving of great? Oh, that's. Like, one person. Dude, I. Oh, that's right. As I said at the live show, it is a problem in this world today that people say, I deserve more respect.

You absolutely do not. If right now, think about the respect level you have. Jackie, even you. And think... Hey, what? Hey, what? I heard my name, huh? Think about the level of respect you have. And if you think

you deserve more, you're wrong. If you have a high level of respect, you're just lucky. If you have anything above fucking no respect, you are just lucky. If you have anything above fucking no respect, you are lucky. You are a human piece of shit who does not, you, I think this is an example of the show too, where you are going to fucking go home and you're going to shit into a bowl of water and you're going to fucking use a piece of paper and you're going to fucking shove that up your ass. And you, a person who does that on a daily basis you think people should respect

you you think you're you are you are beneath a barnyard animal you fucking gross disgusting piece of shit how about the people also think that they're on their grind we talked about this at the skank show yeah you're not grinding you're just like doing your job. You're doing the minimal, basic amount of work, maybe a smidge more. You're not grinding. Anyone who has ever risen and grinded is dead of an opioid overdose. Okay? Those kids are the kids who fucking used to put on their Facebook page, rise and grind when we were in middle school. Started smoking weed too early.

Found other drugs because it's a gateway drug. Then they got into fucking opioids and heroin, and now they're overdosed and dead. That's where rising and grinding gets you. Rise and die. Rising and grinding gets you to fucking An early grave Anyway, about these embarrassing notes About I am smart, I am skilled, I am deserving of a great thing

Anyway, she made a comment About my ego As would I, so far she's on par But as a joke, I decided to do it again I had my best friend over and we got wine drunk And wrote a bunch of affirmations to hide Alright, I'm starting to like her Somewhere, medicine cabinet.

My teeth will regrow. I am shark-like and powerful. Kitchen drawers. I know when to spoon, but I also know when to fork. I am sexy and self-assured. Work desk. I will not just fuck my way to the top of the company. I will fuck my way to the top of the world.

I'm in on this joke. I love this lady. Walk-in closet. I am beautiful with clothes and without. Especially without. My boobs are legendary. There are a bunch more and my friend and I had a hilarious time writing them. Next time my mother-in-law came over, she saw a few

and she didn't acknowledge them to me even though she definitely started acting a little weird about me. I went to run some errands and when i was out she confronted al about the notes uh and she was trying and was trying to tell him that i seemed unstable egotistical and moving it was a bad idea she showed him the notes and he didn't really know what to make of it he asked me and i said they were just some silly little private notes to boost my self-confidence and make myself laugh committed to the bit yeah she doesn't even tell her live-in boyfriend she's like nah i'm just a shark like motherfucker welcome to the ocean um the uh uh where is it um do myself i make myself laugh how has she gotten in my ass has she been going through my things he said she was just hiding and saw them and they were real weird i was like have you met me you should know how weird i am anyway if you don't

want your mom seeing my weird shit you gotta stop under your go through my shit yeah he asked if i left them on purpose to annoy her and i admitted it was kind of a joke and but i also have other weird and private shit that i said i want that why she needs to stop stooping she'd want to find weird crap all over the place he said I was making stuff hard for him. His mom was really protective and adjusting for him. Dude, people, kids with, guys with moms like this are fucking psychopaths. His mom was really protective and adjusting to him moving in with a girlfriend for the first time. And I was agitating her on purpose and making her think I wouldn't be a good partner when he wanted the opposite impression of me.

Am I the asshole? No, prank. Absolutely not. I'm no fucking player. You're the asshole. You are hilarious and of me. Am I the asshole? No, prank. Absolutely not. I'm no fucking player. You're the asshole. You are hilarious and call me. I think snooping is the single most disrespectful thing you can do to somebody. Dude,

I don't even look at your pictures on display. Like, yeah, like the shit that you want me to see, I don't even look at. The shit you put out, I'm like, geez,

they probably want me to see that. I don't look at fucking anything. I mind my goddamn business and I will die one day. People looking through, you looking through your medicine cabinet is like the joke when you're in the bathroom and then your phone and your computer and shit. Anybody who does that stuff you're a blatant

goddamn asshole and I think it's like the biggest invasion of privacy and violation of trust that you can have in the modern world of looking through things. Dude, I ask permission to look at your television when it's like the biggest invasion of privacy and like violation of trust that you can have in like the modern world of looking through things. Dude, I ask permission to look at your television when it's on. It is. Be a good house. Everywhere you go, you are a nuisance.

And acknowledge that and stop making it worse. The only thing I will say, I agree with you that that mom is fucking weird and you have a weird relationship and all that shit. So you kind of like this woman needs to go above and beyond the wife to like break this cycle. Like I get all that. The balancing act you have to do as a guy between your mom and your wife when you get married is like the single hardest relationship dynamic to navigate and if i find out that my wife is doing something on purpose just to fuck with her that i have to bear the brunt of that's annoying like in this case she's so she's so wrong that you can't deny her the right to do the to play this prank but if i found out that like you know my wife was just gaslighting her mother-in-law

because i'm the one who gets that phone call and i'm the one who has to deal with like trying to be like oh no she's just weird like please don't hate her because my life will be fucking miserable if i have to juggle you guys separately so i can kind of understand his beef with the whole thing too that is and the mom is the undeniable asshole. I think there's like an argument to be made that while the wife is not an asshole, she's kind of behaving in a way that's a little asshole-ish. It is and I get

what you're saying and I think that's almost just like female male. Because if it was me and someone's dad and I was being the dick, like me and him just have a fight. Yeah, yeah. You just kind of have it out. The mom and the wife, it doesn't seem like fighting. And once it's,

the relationship is broken, it's broken, like, forever. You know what I mean? There's no fixing it. So, that's hard to navigate, but, as a... Like, if I'm, like, leaving notes around my apartment where it's like, my cock is fat and

i'll fuck this world right it's fucking gross pussy like he's gonna be like what the fuck man and what were you conversation that might come to fisticuffs i don't fucking know but like i feel like there's more of a conference like the dad is going to in order to protect daughter, whereas the mother is a little more roundabout with the protecting her son. No doubt. And then it's going to be something that you can't really fix because it's just gossiped about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And set to just fester. Correct.

And grow forever. Next up. Next up, we got... The last one you said is a little better. Probably better? That was a good one. No, no, no. Oh, you said another one?

I said two. Okay. So we'll just do two, you think? Yeah, two. Two more seconds here. Am I the asshole for leaving my own birthday celebration when my stepfather wanted the family pictures to not include me? Okay.

Am I the asshole for leaving... They're getting... As I see here, they're getting left out of their Own birthday pictures So I'm It's Boy it's gonna take a big twist For you to be the asshole

On this one Yeah Um My 18th birthday Was this past weekend And my mom organized A small get together At home to celebrate

I've been struggling With alopecia Getting worse Uh Is it male or female Does not say This is my 18th No

No F for M afterwards uh i've been struggling with alopecia i decided to shave my head before my birthday female oh because it was i'm just guessing i'm guessing where this is going but it's like i'm not the white the father's like i'm not having a bald fucking woman in my picture um i've been struggling with alopecia decided to shave my head before my birthday because it was depressing me it's actually looking pretty satisfied with the results and i was looking forward to not hiding behind the head scarves anymore. I got a very positive reaction from my friends and family and it felt really good. When it was time to take photos, my stepfather asked me not to be in some of the pictures because apparently I looked sick

and he wanted to gift his parents some pictures. My mom was tipsy then, so I'm not sure whether she heard or not. From some perspective, my stepsisters have long and beautiful hair and so does my mom. I ended up locking myself in my bedroom just browsing the internet. Later on when everyone was gone my mom asked me why I left and when everyone came to celebrate me and I told her I left because of why my stepfather said she said I was overreacting. She said I was embarrassed she said I embarrassed the family just because my stepfather wanted to get a few pictures of just their family. I told her that I

perfectly understood that. I'm not part of her new family. And she called me an ungrateful little asshole who did not appreciate the effort she made. Am I the asshole to leave my own birthday party? Blah, blah, blah. I hate to know. This guy sucks. You're not the asshole.

This is deeper than something I can understand. I don't have a step dynamic to my family at all. So I don't understand the issues those people deal with. I don't think it's crazy. I think he shouldn't

phrase it that way. Maybe he didn't and she just took it that way. I don't think it's crazy to be like, I just want a picture of me and my daughters. Oh, well, that is fair, but it also sounds like it was like, I don't want you because you're bald. But that's also,

that could be some fucking in-your-head shit. Did he ever, he never said that? I don't, maybe he did. Because that I do understand, where it's just like, biological only. Yeah. The same way that she would maybe go and then take a picture of me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, because she looks sick. She looks sick. Right. Yeah. I think if you're like, I just want a picture Oh yeah yeah Because she looks sick She looks sick Right Yeah I think if you're like I just want some pictures Of me and my daughters

That's completely fine The but like Be like hey get out of here You fucking Fucking Chemo bitch I don't want people Thinking I got someone

In my family with cancer Yeah That's a stain On the family crest You know that thing Every single person dies of Yeah I can't have that In my family

Also she just doesn't Have cancer That's well that's I mean what of. Yeah, I can't have that in my family. Also, she just doesn't have cancer. Well, that's, I mean, what's worse? She's got worse alopecia. Yeah, I wish you were had a terminal disease. Instead, you just have an ugly disease. You're just getting gross, that's all. I mean, it almost makes it worse that he's like, yeah, you don't have cancer, but, like, if you did, you wouldn't be fit to be in these pictures.

I don't want to have to explain these pictures on the gram. Yeah. Oh, God. The bald girl, yeah. She's got ovarian cancer. But my real daughters, they look pretty, right? My new daughter's got the healthiest fucking uterus as well. Oh, God.

A lot of uterus talk on the show the last couple weeks. If you are looking for someone with a fat reproductive system, meet my daughter, Christina. She's got that U-T, the big fat U-T. Video voicemails today are brought to you by Masterworks. Not only are stocks going up, but apparently, Johnny, so is art. Shockingly, enough stocks aren't the only thing that goes up over time.

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what Masterworks is doing and scored you all the priority access. Just log on to Masterworks.com Masterworks.com I am saying it wrong and I'm fucking trying to read it but I'm just saying calm when the next word isn't calm. It's fucking not.

I know it's not, but it's a three-letter word, so I'm going to try it again. Just log on to masterworks.art slash kevin to join over 300,000 users. That's masterworks.art slash kevin. See important disclosures at masterworks.io slash disclaimer. Alright, how's it going fellas? If someone came up to you and offered you $15,000 for every time they punched you in the face, how many times would you let them hit you? Great question. I mean, obviously it depends on who's punching.

Sure. Let's say it's fucking... Hmm. Good question. Okay, let's say it's... Let's look up the average American man size. Okay? Let's say it's a 5'8".

5'7". 5'7", buck 60, probably. Buck 65. 5'7", buck 65, really no muscle. Right. It is just fucking a guy. Right. Okay?

You know, yeah, fucking superhero comes up. No training, no. Nope, just a regular ass dude. Any fucking dude you see in a bar, he's drinking a Bud Light, okay, so he's not that tough. And, uh, it's just, he's not that tough. And it's just, he's going to hit it. Now, here's a question here. If he knocks me out, can I get up and do it again? Yeah, that's the point.

Once you get knocked out, you're done. Oh, okay. Got it, got it, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ten? Get a million out of it? No, it's 15 grand. Oh, 15?

That's not so i mean it's not too much at the end of the day it's not but like it's not like gonna be a life-changing amount of money unless you get fucking walloped on you know i mean dude here but here's the deal like i mean i'm definitely not doing it like i'm letting you fucking clock me a couple times but i don't know i think there's a point of diminishing returns where it's like all right now my face is hamburger meat and i'm only getting 75 instead of 60 i don't think fucking i don't think steve's turning into hamburger meat you think you can just keep on i think i think you can take a lot of licks from steve man i You don't think you're losing teeth and stuff at some point?

I mean. Just open wailing on you? I don't. Yeah, you're going to be in pain. He's going to miss you. He's going to hit you in the neck a lot. He's probably going to. You think?

Yeah. Fucking punching someone is hard. He's probably going to be a pussy about it. Because, again, this is just a guy in a bar. His hand starts to hurt. He's scared to hit someone in the face. So you're going to need little fucking little taps here. I don't know, though.

You're just standing there and they can just go like, bah, right in your fucking mouth. Oh, I'm thinking hooks. If he's coming dead on, I might get one. You can do all of it. If you bop me in the nose. Yeah. If he flicks me in the nose, I might be out. Right, you get the watery eyes and you hit your teeth.

Yeah. Like, I might go into it being like, that's the thing thing is you should have to lock in ahead of time because it's like can I just keep going sure but if you have to say 10 and he gets to do 10 and the first one is right to your fucking grill piece and you lose teeth and you're crying and shit

and you got 9 more to go and he's going to hit the same spot again and again and again I think what would end up happening is you would actually wish you picked more because now you're gonna be so fucked up yeah like you dude like even like like maybe you feel the first punch after that your adrenaline's ripping yeah you're i also think that it's like if you're gonna get fucked up it's almost the opposite of what i said i don't know which one's true, where, like,

at some point, do you say, like, like, what I first said was, you know, getting another 15's not really worth it when I'm fucked up, but if I'm gonna, if the first couple are gonna break my bones and shit, should I just, you know, let them demolish me and walk away with, like, 15's not enough. I would, i would go there's not there's not a amount a human amount of punches that's really gonna like i shouldn't say life-altering because if you've got if you get a hundred thousand dollars that's changing your life but it's not like you can retire or something you know you got you got to take off work and get surgery and fix your face and shit for like $100,000. Even a paycheck is life all through?

No. But it is like, it severely changes your quality of life. Just one extra paycheck. Yeah. Where you're like, okay, like I don't. Now I can live like this instead. Yeah. Now I can stop worrying about like even bills for that month or whatever because you're like, all right.

But that's what I mean. It's like, it's like just a one-time, one-month thing. No. I would do it for my number. I can't do math. But I would do it for $250,000. I would do $250,000 worth. So that's like $20,000-ish.

I was going to say $20,000, but I thought that was dumb because 10 is 150. 10 is 150, so 20 would be 300, so it's a little less. I'll go 20. Fuck it. Boy, it took me a long time to figure out that doubling 10 would get you. I would have never gotten there. That wasn't for you. I would have never gotten that.

You can't see me. I'm looking at you dead seriously. I would have never gotten that. I would have never figured it out. I feel like you say that, but at some point he's just wailing on, like, your fucking fleshy bag of bones and teeth. Ugh. I don't think this dude's going to hit that hard.

He's your average guy. You are banking on that and like, that would be that, so I would do like four, you know? And then we both get our first punch

and one of us is severely right and one of us is severely wrong. We're like, I take it and I eat it and I'd be like, fuck,

I should have said 40. You know? Or you take it and you're like, I am fucked. I want to watch you play that bar game first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you take one punch of that and see what happens.

Have you ever done that? I definitely have, but not like. I feel like you've been good at that. That's what I mean, though. Think about when you do that game, how hard you punch. I am not a super, but I'm not like an average guy either. Yeah, but you know what I mean? I like violence. Yeah, that's know what I mean? I like violence.

Yeah, that's true. Speaking of violence, YP DMed me the other day. Just DMed me a video of two frogs fighting. He said, let's get frog costumes and reenact this. And I said, I'll fuck you up. Some things will never change. And that was it. There was no response.

I wouldn't have it any other way. All right, next one. KFC Radio. Jackie, if you're still single, if you need more heartbreaks, I got you. Hey. Jackie's clearly been in all these lately. I had a bullshit gym class in high school because I didn't really feel like doing stuff. It was outdoor education.

We went to Letchworth State Park on this field trip. It was like a sleepover type thing. On the second day at one point, people are messing around. We're tossing acorns at each other. This gym teacher, the supervisor on this thing, just whips a fucking acorn at me. I pick one up and I just backhanded at her, hit her in the eye, dislocated her retina. My mom had to drive like three hours to pick me up. That was a real awkward drive home.

So don't throw acorns at people. It could hurt. Dude. Good lesson. Don't throw acorns at people. He was on a field trip. The gym teacher threw acorns at him. So he threw one back, hit her in the eye, dislocated her retina.

Mom had to drive up to the field trip and pick him up and bring him home for the most awkward car ride of his life. And he said, don't throw acorns. I don't know. You throw acorns at me, I'm throwing acorns at you. Yeah. I've never dislocated a retina, but I've had scratch right now from people throwing stuff in my eyes it can't be good

we talked about this when I fucking passed out at school oh yeah yeah yeah and also my dad one time threw crabs in my eyes

um so I wouldn't smile during a family picture oh yeah yeah yeah so I'm fucking I don't know he wasn't aiming for your eyes

it just happened no he was aiming for my face um just happened to catch the eye oh my god the uh i don't know what i don't know what to say to this to be honest i uh it was kind of just a story i just remember when i was in seventh grade i had a teacher who was mad young

looking back on it he was probably like 24 you know and he was cool and we would like and he you know he was young so we I was probably 13 he's 24 he's barely 10 years older than me you know and uh we would like it got to the point where I would like bust his balls back and then he like called my mom and like ratted on me we need to have like like a parent-teacher conference that he was like, Kevin's like disrespecting me. And I was kind of like, bro, what is this about? And even my mom, I think, was like, I think you're, you know, creating like a, it's like a little hypocritical of you here.

You're, you know, creating a relationship here that all of a sudden you're flipping the switch and you don't want it. And I'm kind of like, yeah, don't throw acorns at me if you don't want to get fucking acorns thrown back. You want to be the cool gym teacher who fucks around? We're going to fuck around. Maybe you should keep your head on a swivel. Maybe you should keep your eyelids. Maybe you need to close your eyes faster. I don't know. Get some reaction time, bitch.

What were you doing to get him to be like, Kevin's disrespecting me? How playground did you take it? I mean, nothing too memorable, so it couldn't have been that bad. But I think I, you know, probably called him a fat fucking asshole. I was going to say those F's. I thought we were going somewhere else. No, no. It was 1997.

Yeah, that's what I mean. I was going to say gay. No, I don't think it was that bad. Just don't follow me, you little gay queen. We all know you want to say a different word. But what's the most awkward car ride you've ever been in? Most awkward car ride? Yeah.

I don't know. Every time I got arrested, I didn't get picked up by my parents. Um The uh When I had to go to court And I I just ate cereal in the car That one was pretty awkward No I think I know yours What? When you were going to Pete Frady's funeral

No we were leaving Pete Frady's We were leaving it yeah That one probably up there What did you do? Leaving Pete's funeral It was the day Dave's First sex tape dropped. Oh, right.

And we were in the, I wasn't with him. We'd gone, we'd gotten there separately. And, I, I just stood in the back for the whole funeral.

And Dave was, so I guess the thing, it dropped the night before, I think. I think it was like midnight and it happened, right? But everyone's seeing it. We all woke up.

Yeah. And saw it. Yeah, I saw it in the church. And so you did? Yeah. What were you doing in church that day? My kid's Christmas pageant last year. And so I was in the back.

I was kind of just watching him, seeing how he was, you know. Handling it. And he was fine. And then we were leaving. We walked out together. And he was, he was fine. And, uh, and then we were leaving, we walked out together and he was like walking towards our, it was at BC. And so he was walking towards like the Dunkin' Donuts over like at the bottom of Heartbreak Hill. And,

uh, he, I was like, Hey, I have my car here. If you want to ride thinking on no planet, would Dave accept that ride? And I,

he did. He was like, Oh yeah. I actually, no, I didn't say, I didn't say to him. I called him later. I texted him when I was walking to my car.

And he was like, yeah, actually, that sounds good. Ah, fuck. And it wasn't an empty gesture. I just didn't think Dave would say yes. Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure. And he was like, yeah, actually, that sounds good. And I was like, oh, man, he's really down bad. He just needs to be around somebody.

If he's riding quite a bit for a few hours. No, no, no. We wasn't all the way back to New York. I was just brought back to Boston. Okay, okay, okay. And he. Were you, like, so. Yeah, yeah.

I was like, what's up? How's the day going? And he's like, if you had taught me. I think he said, like, if you had told me one day that I'd be at a funeral with the governor of Massachusetts for Pete Frady's while, like, everyone on the Internet watches me fuck her. I forget exactly what he said, but that was the sentiment of it. Right, right, right. And he's like, just never would have thought that would happen. And he was, like, cool.

He wasn't, like, a panicked mass fan. He was very calm, cool, and collected. But it was, like, cool. Like, he wasn't, like, a panicked masked man. He was very calm, cool, and collected. But it was, like, it was definitely awkward. Like, I don't know. How do you talk to your boss? And I intentionally never watched it. I never saw that shit. So it wasn't even, like, I could.

Because I don't know. We don't have that, like, I'm going to joke about your sex tape relationship. Yeah. I mean, I thought you were on the record of saying you'll watch anybody fuck. Yeah. So I definitely am on the record for that. Because I've said I'll watch anybody fuck, including Dave. And then when the time, you know, when the rubber hit the road, I was there.

I was watching. No, not me. I was all talk. You're a phony. You're all talk. You don't talk about it. You know, you got to walk the walk and watch your boss fuck. Yeah, I guess that one was, but it really wasn't that awkward because he was like pretty.

He makes it, you know. what are you going to do? Dave makes it as awkward as, you know, it's going to be. That's why you can't get canceled. That's why he never, he doesn't let it become awkward. He doesn't let it become a life-ruiner. He's just like, yeah, fuck. It was a lot more awkward when I went to court with my uncle who's a lawyer, and he didn't bring it up right away that I was eating cereal. So we were already on the road.

So, like, he's like, what are you doing eating cereal, by the way? And I was like, oh, I didn't realize I shouldn't be eating cereal. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do that. So for the rest of the, like, I couldn't just leave the cereal, though.

So the rest of the ride, I'm trying to not slurp my cereal. Be like, all right, you're right. I guess it is ridiculous that I'm a 17-year-old in a suit on his way to court. Any spills?

No spills, no. I was just like, it was on a highway, too. It wasn't like Dennis Reynolds style where I could stop. Yeah. We were on the highway.

I was going to court in Tawton, I think. No, I was going to court in Bill Ricka. And I was fucking just like, trying to be quiet. What kind? It was Kix.

With added sugar. It had sugar in it. I actually know for a fact it was Kix. And I was just like really quietly trying to eat. It was almost like I was hiding. There's a murderer in the room. And I was hiding under the bed, but I just couldn't resist my cereal. So I couldn't...

It would be insane to just sit there holding a bowl of cereal. I had to eat it. And what did you do with the bowl? I left it on the floor of the car when I wanted to get, when I didn't see the judge. That one was up there. You are a colossal asshole. I mean, my mom walked out the door. She saw what I had.

She knew. She's an asshole, too. She probably poured the bowl for me. She was probably like, this kid is so fucking dumb. Hopefully he goes to jail for life. I never want to see him again. I'm going to pray for him for murder while he's gone. Oh, yeah, he's underage drinking.

I also found this bloody knife in his room. All right, last one. Yeah. Last voicemail today is brought to you by Laundry Sauce. That's a new one, too. Okay, here's the deal with laundry sauce. Your laundry, it deserves better. Okay?

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It fell out. Yeah, it fell out. Bro, hang on. I want to be clear about something. You're going to be wearing beans in your socks. No, I'm going to be wearing beans in my socks. Okay. This would be an easy time to wear them.

You're just sitting in a car. No, no, no. But you're not. No, they really dig into beans. We might need to amend it because I think it is physically painful to just sitting in a car. No, they really dig into... We might need to amend it because I think it is physically painful to have beans in your socks. I said we will test it out and we will wear and we'll see how much bean cans

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I also have come up with a few. How do you guys feel about loopholes? I like using them for myself. I don't think I will agree to any of yours but you are free to pitch them after John finishes talking about laundry stuff. Anyway, about the designer stuff. It's a designer laundry detergent made specifically for the what?

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They're catering to. Yeah. They've got to be working with chicklets, too, right? Yeah. I mean, now I feel like a poser, dude. I've gone too far. I've crossed the line into, like, this is fun to now. Do you want to have banana cigarettes too?

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Last one let's go What's up KFC Fights everyone else Jacked up Special. Last one. Let's go. What's up, KFC fights? Everyone else? Jacked up. Jacked up, stickies. Just come on with a question. After listening to the Kevin Clancy show a few episodes ago,

Kevin was talking about people having kids. Talked about it on KFC radio as well. Reminded me of a pretty fucked up story. Family reunion a few years ago uh walk in one of the first things my grandpa says to me is glad you're here i've been meaning to ask you after a dream i had if you think uh living together in sin is worth burning in hell for the rest of eternity at this point me and my girlfriend at the time had been living together for six years maybe seven um and i just was at a loss no idea what to say

i was kind of wondering what is the most fucked up thing that a family member has ever said to you? He says, oh boy. Oh man, this is actually funny because I kind of have something just now. It's nowhere near what that is. But Saturday afternoon? Yeah, Saturday afternoon. It's pretty close though. Uh-huh. I think it's kind of close to that. What? Go ahead, tell it. I think I know what you're going to say. Oh, no, you

don't. Oh, okay. I don't think so. What do you think I'm going to say? Didn't Polly tell you recently, like, kill yourself? Well, Polly said I'm allowed to kill myself. kill myself yeah yeah but wasn't it recently you said something like i'm just gonna fucking live and then i die and i don't care oh oh oh oh no that's different well so that what happened there well we had a few little things get out real quick uh that one was i gone to the doctor and i told my mom that it stresses me out a lot and you're waiting for results right yeah and i was like you know what I'm going to do? I think I'm just going to be done with doctors, and I'm going to live how I want to live until

I die. And then I'm going to die. And she said, I think that's a pretty good idea. She's like, that makes a lot of sense to me. Like, stop being so stressed out. That is right. But when you're talking about not going to the doctor for medical problems, that's a little bit...

Yeah, but she wasn't like... She wasn't like, tell yourself, but she was like, I get that. Yeah. Polly's very... Polly's a little bit. Yeah, no, but she, it wasn't like, she wasn't like telling herself, but she was like, I get that. Yeah. Polly, Polly's very, Polly's a hippie. Yeah, no, she's. Polly's like, forget it. She's talking about the vibes, bro.

Do your fucking thing, bro. Yeah. Like, you want to fucking live till you die? Do it up. Yep. And then, but no, what I, what I had was, I called my grandfather on Saturday and I was like, hey, Papa Joe, what's going on, bro? And he's like, nothing. just sitting here reading your Twitter.

And he said it like fun, but me and my grandfather don't really have like that kind of relationship. Like, no, we're cool, but like. I can't believe your grandpa's on fucking Twitter. I know, but it's like, we're very cool, but it's not like we don't have like one of those weird, like, we fucking tell each other weird stuff. Like, he's my grandfather i'm his grandson we have a great grandfather grandson relationship right but we're not like friends right and he's like just sitting here reading your twitter and like i was watching

the bruins and i fucking knew what my last tweet was it was that patrice bergeron pass just made me fucking come and i was like i was like dude I know what my last tweet was. Like, why are you reading tweets about how fucking hockey passes make me cum? Maybe he's like, because I didn't do that. But I do also want to be clear about something. That wasn't a joke. I fucking, that Bergeron pass on Saturday afternoon, it was a touch pass on the first goal, the touch pass to Craig Smith.

My cock moved. And that's fucking dead serious. I want you to look me in the eye real quick. It fucking did something to me. Like it did a jump? Like it fucking. Like you did a Kegel? One of the bigger. Like had either.

Had someone else been in the room with me right then, it would have been me going, I guess I got to fuck. Take your pants off. What happened? My cock did something. I guess I got to fucking fuck now. Get moved. Ah, you bitch.

But, yeah, that probably, that's up there. That's got to be up there. This awkward car ride. Right? No. Conversation or car ride? That was the last one. This is the kind of cruelest, meanest, weirdest thing a fan ever said to you.

Okay. Cruelest thing a family member has ever said to me. I don't know about... Can it be on the other side of the family? I was going to say... Define family. Are we talking blood yeah I mean I can I can give you some things that my wife

at the time said not even her family just straight up her I can answer this question for my sister One time when my sister was younger My sister ended up going to like NYU Becoming a nurse like really Great grades super smart But when she was younger

In like middle school she was kind of Like getting bad grades which like me and my brother Never really did like we just got good grades it was never Really a thing and she was like failing a Class which we never did and my mom was Like conning on her case and I remember being like i don't know maybe she's stupid my mom went and told my sister that i said that about her and like that's when she turned her life around so i was like credit to me but also you probably like hated me for like five years

that i didn't even like know about because mom told me that i just said maybe you're a dumb person that's mom being a good coach that really is yeah some players positive reinforcement some players negative but also bad coach by throwing me under the bus because she should have just said well that's good coaching too because then you don't they still hold you in high regard yeah yeah okay it's some quality parenting here's what people are saying good for them good job good job for her uh but yeah that and then you know just a whole bunch of horrible It's some quality parenting right there. Here's what people are saying. Good for them. Good job. Good job from her. But, yeah, that and then, you know, just a whole bunch of horrible things about, you know, I'm not a man. I'm a bad husband.

I'm a bad father. You know, the usual. But the other thing I wanted to talk about, you got mad. I think it was the same night I told you that. You got mad at me that I hadn't told you something on the podcast. Yeah, what was that? I don't think I have heat in my apartment. Oh, my God.

Dude, I didn't have heat the other night. And it was, I had the kids, and I noticed that, like, my heat, I keep my shit cold. I keep my shit frosty. But even I was, like, my hands and my feet are numb. So I look at the thermostat, and I have the heat set, but it's just below that. And it's on, and the heat's just not working, and I'm watching it tick lower and lower and lower. And I'm telling the story, and John's just like, oh, yeah, I don't have heat. I never did.

I never had it on. I was like, what? I don't know for sure, okay? I don't know for sure. I mean, listen to the fact that he said, I don't know for sure, and then listen to how he's about to explain how he slept the other night. And then decide whether he's, like, what is he not sure about? So here's the deal.

So it's freezing in my apartment. So maybe there's heat, maybe there isn't. I don't know the answer to that. I know it's fucking freezing cold in my apartment. I know it's unbearable. I know I can't walk barefoot on the floors because they're too cold. I know it's unbearable. I know I can't walk barefoot on the floors because they're too cold. I know that I watch.

Maybe the building doesn't have heat. Maybe it does. What we know is that you don't have heat in your apartment. Whether it's your fault for just not turning it on or whether there's a lack of heat. All we know is for sure that there is no heat in your apartment. It is.

I watch television sitting Indian style All we know is for sure that there is no heat in your apartment. It is. Yeah. There is. I watch television sitting Indian style next to a space heater. And I watch it sitting. I have to watch it sitting on the floor because it doesn't get pushed. It's too cold that the heat from the space heater dies before it reaches me on the couch. So I sit. It's like the heat coming from the sun.

It's like, yeah. So I sit right there and I watch TV. And then I usually go to bed about 7 p.m. Because I get under the covers there. And my body, like, shuts down. My body goes into a catatonic hypothermic state. Basically, it's actually basically what I'm wearing right now is what I wear to bed every he puts a winter hat and a outdoor overcoat on and then gets under weighted blankets that weigh like 45 pounds yeah and he's like i don't think i have heat yeah yeah yeah i feel like dennis yeah

you don't think actually it it has gotten so cold recently that I was like, this is getting out of hand. I need to close my windows. Because I had, in my bedroom, I have bars on my window. And it leads back to a courtyard. So I, in that room, I can't have one of those old-fashioned, you know, like. Window unit. Yeah. So I have one of those things where it's kind of like a fucking PVC. Not PVC, but.

No, but like an accordion pipey thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah one of those things where it's like kind of like a fucking PBC, not PBC, but no, but like a piping accordion pipe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That goes up to the window. So that was easy to just kind of pull out and shut the window in my living room.

I have an old school air conditioner and that is just a hassle. So the window window stays up. Sorry. The living room window stays open. That's just, that's just how it's going to be. And I'm going to sit, I don't know why it's cold in there,

but that's just, it's going to be. And I'm going to sit. I don't know why it's cold in there. But that's just. I don't know who to even talk to to get my. Do you have a landlord? Sure. Yeah. But these are the things I deal with. Yeah. And Kevin, I've been 33 years on this earth.

I haven't dealt with them. I'm not going to start now. This is how it goes. Who do you pay rent to? I don't know. I mean, SR to start now. This is how it goes. Who do you pay rent to? I don't know. I mean, SRC. Yeah, it's a company? I write a physical check. And you mail it to?

And I mail it to a company. To a building. It's in New York. So, send a letter. Oh, put a letter in that thing? Yeah. Like, hey, by the way, don't have heat? You know what? Send, like, 500 bucks less. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm the kind of guy who's going't have heat. You know what? Send like 500 bucks less. Oh, yeah. With a note. Oh, yeah.

I'm the kind of guy who's going to do that. You're going to play hardball. Yeah. You technically should be like, I'm not paying rent at all until this shit's fixed. But also, they're going to walk in and go, okay. Yeah, yeah. By the way, I do want to be clear. I'm not an idiot.

I know what a thermostat looks like. There aren't thermostats in my apartment. It was Mark Twain who said the hottest summer he ever spent was a winter in New York. And the... What? Well, you know what, Jackie? Fuck you. Here's one thing

I'm sure. I'm right and Jackie's wrong. Okay, never mind. Sorry. Let's not move past this so fast. Now we're going to confirm it. So it's just like they just kind of come on. When the temperature, yeah. A lot of the New York City buildings are so old that they, you don't have control of it yourself.

You can't even turn the knob on the radiators. You can't turn the thermostat. But I'm also not ruling out that you just don't know where the thermostats are. No, I'd see them. Unless I hide them. Well, I don't know. They might just be in a weird spot. All right, Mark Twain.

Hang on. Jackie's not. I was going to actually bet against you. Jackie. Well, I think what Twain's... I think we're both wrong. It is... Sounds like Jack Kerouac.

Like, one of those weird travel things. No, no, but... I feel like Twain just said the N-word a bunch. He literally says, the coldest winter I ever spent was the summer in San Francisco. Right, but that's not what I said He said the hottest Hotest summer

Was the winter In New York So I bet you That Twain did that San Francisco line first And then someone Someone did that Amended it to fit

How hot New York City buildings Get during the winter Cause I know What you're talking about I used to have an apartment That like We left the window

Wide open All winter long and it evened out. Yeah, that was my old apartment. Also, it is something where you almost have to have lived in New York in the winter to know what I'm talking about. It is not crazy to have the windows open. Right, it's not.

But it's crazy to have the windows open when you're freezing. Yeah, but like last winter I just never, last winter I never took them out because last winter the heat was kicking. Yeah. And this winter I haven't done anything different. And you're freezing to death. It's just freezing cold. Well, you are forever a man-child.

Do you think you're just going to go this whole winter without addressing it? Yeah. Yuck. I mean, it's almost February, which is almost March. It's almost April. We're almost out of winter. I did my first summer here without an air conditioner. Yeah, it's almost February, which is almost March. It's almost April. We're almost out of lunch. I did my first summer here without an air conditioner. Yeah, that's disgusting.

I'd sleep in no sheets, naked, spread eagle. And just dripping with sweat. Just dripping with sweat. And you would go to sleep. Yeah. You would actually fall asleep. Miserably. You were like 22?

No. No, no, no. Not that summer. My first time moving here. Oh, you're despicable. You're an absolute dump truck of a human. No, I was like 27. We moved here the second time.

That is, you know, unforgivable. Lewis would come in my room. I'd be completely naked, spread eagle. You are a pathetic piece of shit. May God have mercy on your soul. All right, interview time. As we wrap up, KFC Radio on the road. We got Fortune Feimster on the show. Let right, interview time as we wrap up KFC Radio on the road. We got Fortune Feimster on the show.

Let's talk to her. Hey, how's it going, guys? What's going on? How you doing? I'm chilling. Yeah? I feel like you're always in a good mood. True or false? I'd say I almost said false. False!

Freudian, that's just real. True! I'd said false. False. Nope, never mind. It's false. Freudian. Freudian. That's just real. That's true. I'd say false. I'm miserable. I mean, I'd just like to say false. Are you a Georgia fan? I saw you tweet about the dogs last night. Is that a good move?

I am. It's my mom's alma mater. So I went there. That's close enough. I got to cheer for the dogs. Yeah. Is she going bananas? My grandmother went to Alabama, but I feel like mom trumps grandma. Whoa.

That must be, is grandma still around? No, that's why I can pull for the dog. Okay. I was going to say, yeah, you go home and you say, well, sorry, grandma. Mom's more important than you, especially when it's, you know know the crimson tide versus the dogs that is no joke plus my grandmother my grandmother was in college a long time ago yeah i feel like i feel like alabama was still segregated when grandma was in college probably it was a long time ago did you are you a big fan like you were you watching and celebrating or you're just you know throwing out the i watched the game uh some of the game last night i'm i'm definitely not uh

i can't i can't claim them in the way that true dogs fans right right well i mean i'm that girl that like watches the super bowl and nothing else the entire season yeah i mean i'm that guy so it's cool yeah i'm pretty much over look at this look at this shirt let me tell you i watched that's a sports shirt right there that is a statement we haven't talked about this much today this is i mean i walk into a sports bar they commit a hate crime if i wear this yeah they're like get out of here we're not serving you in your cougar shirt it is funny though because i don't watch sports that much because i'm so crazy busy but then when i watch like the big things like super bowls or you know the the world series i cheer for i choose the team and cheer for them like my life depends on it and my wife is so tripped out by this. She's like, you haven't watched a single game.

I'm like, be quiet. The game's on. It is fun when you get into something like there. I do that with so many things where I kind of like, I don't, I don't poopoo it, but I just don't pay it any mind. And then when I finally give it a little bit of attention, I'm like, ah, shit, this is fucking awesome. Yeah.

I don't know why I act better than this. This is sick. For sure. Honestly, it's just that there's so many games, so many sports, so many channels. I can't keep up with it. Yeah. That goes for larger than sports. There's so many channels. I don't watch TV anymore.

I just watch the same three shows because it's too confusing. It's like 500 channels now. We've done, in the past, we've done a lot of work with Joe Coy and Josh Wolfe, too. So I know you guys all had, you guys had a really good thing going for a pretty long time, it felt like, with Chelsea Lately. That must have been a good gig for that nice show. How long was that? Her show went on six or seven years. I was a that is it uh i her show went on it was six or seven years i was

part of it maybe her seven i was a part of it for four that's a nice three you know that must have been a big deal at that point your career right oh it was huge i was uh trying to like find a break anywhere i'd been at it for a while and nobody knew what to do with me because I look different. I sound different. And everybody was just like, no, thank you. And I interviewed for this writer position at Chelsea and she was just like, oh, you're so different. And that's what she liked. And she put me on TV like right away. And my career just completely opened the door wide open. So that's so wild to me. Like I can absolutely understand what you're saying where people don't know what to do and how to utilize you.

But it feels like now it's like being different and standing out. Imagine telling someone like, no, you're too unique. You're too one of a kind. We don't want you. That's crazy to me. That was the business for a long time though it's only really started to shift in the last like i don't know six years maybe where suddenly having something about you that's unique has been a plus but before that things are very

cookie cutter they wanted everyone to look a certain way to be a certain weight to be a certain yeah let's just say they wanted a bunch of white guys. They wanted you guys. We're totally fucked, so thanks a lot, Fortune. You had your time in the sun. They didn't want us fatty fat fats on TV. That's what I'm trying to say. We didn't get our time

in the sun. They got their time in the sun. We're just going to be broke white guys. Oh, no. i say there's there's room for everybody let's all find our our place as long as it's funny right yeah but uh i mean i would imagine that set was i mean just just in getting to know josh and joe i can't imagine that was a shit show of just everybody fucking around with each other on that set we laughed like belly laugh every day because uh being in the writer's room the jokes were insane everyone was so funny and wild and it was

just yeah it's a time in my career that i always look back on uh just just joy and and it's certainly crazy and josh was big into pranks and he was always pranking people. That's actually where I started learning about Barstool Sports. Every article he turned in was from Barstool Sports. That sounds about right. Yeah, it checks out. That show, actually, I feel like you give it like the highest of compliments in the sense that it transcends time. Like if you me if you told me chelsea handler was on when i was 10

and it's still on now i believe you like it's right it's always in kind of the conversation it's not it's never not brought up there's always like someone who can be like oh yeah that was on chelsea lately or they were on chelsea lately and it's it's like it's my whole life it feels like chelsea lately was around well she had she brought on so many comedians and and comedians that have really done a lot of cool things since you know some of these comedians have gone on to you know have huge careers and right you know ali wong you saw on the round table and joe coy like you said, and Lonnie Love. I mean, there's so many people that are still out there performing and having really amazing success.

And a lot of that for a lot of us started on that panel because she was putting comics on. She was giving everybody an opportunity to be seen, and it did a lot for comics. And what a cool thing to just see a bunch of comics shooting the shit and yeah it's making each other laugh you know i i guess like colin quinn did it with a little bit with tough crowd and there's been other examples but something that i think most people would love to watch has really never been done had never been done up until then

with yeah don't see like doing it it's funny that you say you guys were using Barstool a lot because we used Chelsea Lately a lot. When we were putting together our – we have a daily show called The Rundown, which is the same sort of idea, just topics and bullshitting. And when we were coming up with how – like whenever we pitched it to people, we would explain it's part – pardon the interruption, which was like another – we said two sports shows like that were arguing sports.

And then we always threw in and Chelsea lately for like the pop culture, you know, lifestyle part of it. So it was like, that was our model that we wanted to go after. Cause it's like the best format there is. Just let the funny people go and let them talk what they want to talk. Yeah. I mean, I love it.

Like Spade was doing it right right right before you know the pandemic he his show was doing really well and comics were like loving it coming on there and uh and you know uh lights out it was called and yeah then the it was a the pandemic hit and that was kind of a casualty of that time it's such a bummer because yeah there's nothing better than just being with other comics and laughing about things what i can't imagine though is in that setting uh a romance blossoming did you ever see joe and chelsea coming because i feel like yeah i i guess when you get everybody together there's always a chance that you know someone's gonna fall for each other or whatever but in that setting where everyone's

talking shit on each other and trying to one-up each other and everything and she always was laying into him about things that's what's so then then there you have it yeah the love of my life i was always pulling her hair on the playground too that. That's true. That's true. Yeah, that's what people were saying. They're like, she used to make fun of Joe all the time. Yeah, I mean, maybe that is the case, but I feel like I remember her making fun of him. She was always saying he was gay all the time. I feel like she always made fun of him for not getting laid.

I don't remember. It was always something with her and him. But, you know, I will say, I mean, Joe's awesome. I've loved Joee forever he's the greatest guy he's so nice and always has been and continues to be so as huge as he's gotten uh i but i will say he just keeps getting better looking with age and certainly that's the money that money the money does make people look real nice right there is no such thing as good looking and ugly it is only rich and poor that's it you got money you're gonna be better looking

just the fact joe's come on the podcast like i i don't even know how many times joe's come on a ton of times and he came on once and was talking with a list and he was just like my bad just got new teeth yep and i was like that's crazy i remember when he got those new fucking i just like joe's like i just hunted a fucking elephant in africa he got his ivory had them chiseled into veneers rich he got those veneers baby yeah suddenly it was like whoa somebody's got a whole new mouth. Yeah. Selling out all over the world. He actually talked about that, too, though, when he was talking about how he was coming up in comedy.

He was so embarrassed because he had such bad teeth. Like, he wouldn't smile. And he was talking about how that's hard for a comedian to not be able to smile or laugh. Right. Because you're embarrassed of your teeth. So I'm very happy he's got his new teeth. I'm happy too. I never, I don't think I met him pre-Veneer.

So I don't even know. But yeah, he said it made a huge difference. So that's awesome. When you talk about like the last six years, when you said, you know, things started to change. Did you feel that like in your career where there are a lot more opportunities and doors opening and stuff?

Yeah, you know, I mean, I think as always with this business, you still run up against a lot of closed doors. So I've always sort of taken the bull by the horn and try to create opportunities for myself through standup, through writing. You know, I was lucky that once I left Chelsea, I started to do a lot more acting.

So I think that it definitely opened up that world for me more because suddenly I was getting cast in things and I had not been before. But stand-up, I think, has always been my thing that has pushed me forward because it's the one place where you get to tell people exactly who you are. You get to, to show them, you know, your stories. And, uh, I think it helps people learn about you in a way that no other platform can, can do. Um, so I'm really

grateful that stand up as a part of my career. Cause know when you're getting those no's uh which i've certainly gotten plenty of i go back on the road i i work on new material put a new set together and then i present myself back to the world and it starts to open those doors again was there a plan b for you uh i mean a lot of comics are like i don't know if i could do anything else but this i mean there will come a day no one's gonna want to buy tickets to my show so i better have a plan b well it's not right now you got like 50 sold out shows right now don't you right now it's good right now it's good so i'm just i'm just riding this wave for as long as it lasts but uh i think i always thought i would do something like academic based i was kind of a

nerd in college and graduated summa cum laude and thought i was like i know i was like that person i thought i'd go to law school or really you were class president i was class president in college a nerd i thought it was like high school high school i get it i was class president and i was president of my entire college like what what are you a fucking kennedy i was that yeah i was a poor that's that pantsuit boat right there it was a small women's college so so it wasn't like Georgia Tech or something where there's like thousands of students. You were queen.

Queen of that shit. I just always liked school. I always liked going to class. I'm weird like that. So if I weren't doing comedy, I would probably, if my performing ever died down, I think I would do more writing. I would probably just write books. Do you like – whenever we talk to comics who kind of talk about writing,

do you – it always confuses me because I like writing, but I only do it when I feel inspired. Luckily, I don't have to. I don't do anything writing. I just kind of write when I want to. You don't have to because you have that cougar shirt. Yeah. I'm a model. They don't expect me't expect me that's opening all your doors they say no he puts on the jacket like okay yeah

but do you like do you do you do you wake up and you're like okay today from noon to four I'm writing or you just are you kind of writing with with you know when your muse hits you as well? Yeah, I mean, some comics are very regimented like that. That's not me. To me, writing does feel like homework. So I have to really be like, I almost have to force myself to sit down and I'll open my computer like, ugh! And I'll stare at a blank screen for sometimes two hours and then finally start writing something.

But I'll set out like months of like, oh, in January, I'm going to make sure that I, you know, tackle this new story, something like that. You know, it's more broad, but I don't do like a daily sit down because I just don't have the discipline for it. Now, is that writing you're talking don't have the discipline for now is that writing you're talking about is that um stand up or is that like scripted i do both i do uh i've written uh three movies in the last couple years um we're doing a rewrite on one right now we sold two to amblin and just yeah waiting to see if something happens what do you got right now how much money is in your wallet right now i'm much is your bank account so many five dollar bills right now i got a lot of cash right here in my man that's all under the bed

and i've written tv stuff too but that's, that's part of just trying to create opportunities for yourself. You know, I write all this stuff with the hope of being in it. Yeah. That makes sense. When you were, we were doing a little research before, what did you live in Spain for a year for? I don't know. Do you speak Spanish? Un poco.

Were you there for a year or did you study abroad i was there for just a little under a year it was right after i graduated college and i don't know i just have this like desire to like see the world i grew up not having much money and i would see my friends do these cool things and take these cool trips and i had a really cool professor in college that was an anthropologist who studied lemurs in Mexico, and she really opened my world to just like other cultures because I'm from a town of 9,000 people in the South, you know. I wanted to learn like what's out there. I wasn't exposed to very much.

And so I just wanted to see the world. I wanted to learn about what's out there I wasn't exposed to very much and so I just wanted to see the world I wanted to learn about other cultures and people and I just had this like vision in my head like I'm gonna move to Spain I had no money I got like 10 jobs that summer after college and earned like I had $50 in my bank account when I graduated college and earned like $13,000, most money I've ever had in my entire life and moved to Spain and just wanted a life experience. So I traveled around while I was there and I taught English to kids in Spain. Oh, that's sick. And then you were like,

you think that's enough culture for after a year? Well, I ran out of money. I ran out of money. It turns out culture's expensive as fuck. It's very expensive. And, uh, yeah, I ran out of money and I had to end up actually had to come home a month earlier than I planned. Uh, and I had this opportunity to move to Los Angeles to, to, to work. And, uh, I was like, well,

I have no money and I don't know what else I'm going to do. So like, let's try that life experience. So I just kind of went where the path was taking me. Whereabouts in Spain? Where are you? In Sevilla. Oh, yeah. No. Well, I went to a bullfight there.

The fucking saddest thing I've ever seen. I couldn't bring myself to go to one. Oh, you missed out on some horrifying culture i know one thing people don't know about the bullfights is before they kill the bull it becomes incontinent so it is just slowly meandering around the ring pissing and shitting all over itself i was like 13 i was my grandfather i started weeping i couldn't get the fuck out of here dude he's embarrassed he's like all right we gotta get out of here this kid's crying i get it though that sounds awful but the the new movie sex appeal yeah i think it's genius i think an app that tells you how to fuck that's the most popular

app ever like why doesn't this already exist? Maybe this will inspire it. You know why? Because nobody really knows how to fuck, so no one would make the app. That's right. Some porn stars know what they're doing. Everyone else would be like, anyone who can make the app doesn't know how to fuck.

Listen, I still need the app. I would like the app now. Yeah. Anyone I've ever been with would like me to have the app. Yeah, right? Yeah, it's this nerdy high school girl that wants to figure out how to do it right. And so they asked me to play her mom. I was like, me?

This fresh baby face? But it was really cool. It was my first mom role yeah you're in the milk category yeah i know come on guys um as a co-host asa akira who if you don't know she's a very famous porn star and uh she said that was like a moment for her yeah she switched into oh interesting and she said she was a little taken aback and i don't i wouldn't say she necessarily loved it no she it was it was a she had to accept it she was like i guess i'm in milk territory now i suppose but then she was like okay all right let's do it it's a whole new frontier i mean well listen that's life we all

get older you got you you move into different categories um I, I did not know how to be a mom. I've not, I'm not a mom. I do feel very young because I live in LA and nobody here likes to grow up. Uh, so I was trying to like, you know, get in the mindset of a mom. So I would buy lattes for my onscreen daughter thinking that was a bonding experience. So LA like like here i brought you an oat milk latte this is so matronly that's very funny i'm such a good mom i brought my daughter a latte that's your your co-stars reply like yeah uh how's the show it's a great he's buying me fucking coffee my mom that way and then i'll pat her head that's so like fucking um oh her name's escaping me right now

yeah you know any polar and mean girls like that i'm not a regular yeah i'm a cool mom you want to talk a joint later it almost would have been easier to be that version of mom. Like if they had dolled me up in like straight lady clothes, I almost could like get into that more, but I was playing a lesbian mom. So I just felt like a frat boy. You see in the trailer, you're putting the condom on the cucumber.

That's perfect, mom. You know? My mom did that for every dinner. Yes. Well, speaking of condom, I wanted to go down memory lane here and do one of the stories from Barstool Sports, like Chelsea Lately style. All right. One of the headlines we have on the blog right now um is there's a internet rumor

from an instagram model okay who says that she had sex with drake and then afterwards went into the bathroom where he threw out the condom she was trying to get like some of the semen out to trap him with a kid no she gets it out puts it inside her but it turns out drake had put hot sauce in there no that can't be real for real the internet says it so it's gotta be okay i mean that that's pretty smart of him if he did do that because he probably has run across that oh i guarantee he has i guarantee i was thinking imagine you have sex with somebody you finish up you throw your condom out yeah and you're like gonna walk back to the bedroom and you're like wait a second now she's probably gonna come in here and try to steal that cum let me get my hot sauce yeah i'm now i'm like

where does he keep the hot sauce he just pulls it out he's like hillary clinton he keeps it in his purse exactly are we talking chalula tapatio it's smart on him because you know he's uh yeah he's probably running into that quite a bit it's very smart but it's also like like unnecessarily what makes you feel like love is dead right like it's like like a kid who like is like like all right he killed the he killed the fucking uh the bug in a house but now he's pulling the wings off what the fuck are you doing that for flush it down the toilet a lot of people said flush it but you can't you can't put the rubber in the toilet yeah that can clog up your plumbing in your mansion yeah yeah dude if i know drake's plumbing system we can take a condom that was the first thing he

asked the plumber i mean you have to be a real fertile myrtle for that to really work that's what i was thinking i tried to read up on it because i always thought i was under the impression once it's once it hits the air you're done but apparently not no really pregnant in all sorts of ways i learned i mean look if you're gonna do it turkey basters yeah turkey basters you can do it uh i uh apparently you can get pregnant in the hot tub which you know 15 year old me definitely think that was true we all believe we said you could have sex standing up because the semen can't go up yeah that's swimming and then we said the hot tub and then you got to make sure your quads are in good shape for that oh now it's all horizontal now it's all horizontal and it better be in a bed i can't

be in a chair i can't be on the floor i'm just going to lay here. Sex appeal, baby. That's right. If you made the app, what would be your number one tip to put in there? Oh, my gosh. Well, I don't know because mine would be a very niche sex situation. Sure, go ahead. Niche people are important. I would recommend finger workouts.

Finger workouts. So would I. So would recommend finger workouts. Finger workouts. So would I. So would I. You don't want carpal tunnel. We're all on the same page, girl. I think that probably has happened more, at least with the men, because men are like, squirting's real. And every video we see, it's just people going like that.

Every guy now is like a Harpist slash Jimi Hendrix double double guitarist we can do it all i seen that video i actually weirdly do have two hand strengtheners by my like on my couch i feel like a lot of people had those back in the day i don't see them as much no my my grandfather used to keep them right by his like his chair they had that and they had those ones that you just stretch out like that like the four fucking chains yeah now it's the sex appeal uh is is on hulu right sex appeal january 14th on hulu baby you can see how good of a mom i am now i gotta ask you real quick too before we let you go, about Too Sweet, Too Salty. Yeah. And this is a very important question. It's going to deem how the whole interview goes as we say goodbye. Are you doing that to make fun of Fast and Furious, or are you a Fast and Furious fan?

I mean, who doesn't love the nine Fast and Furious movies? Yeah. I see. No, no, no. I feel like you're making fun of it my voice just sounds sarcastic um my well my netflix special uh that you can watch is called sweet and salty right and so this tour uh was supposed to start in march of 2020 and obviously we had like six months of shows sold out and then my first show was supposed

to be on march like 14th and obviously that didn't happen so a year and a half later we finally got back on the road so we just caught it like kind of a nod like too sweet too salty like this is the second round yeah uh but uh of course there's some fast and furious just so you know on that all the sweet and the salty this is is called The Sweet and the Salty. It's the Fast and the Furious. People forget that. That's okay. Let's hope we get to what?

Sweet 10? Yeah. Salty 10? Let's hope there's that many tours. Yeah. So we're finally on this tour right now. So I'm coming all over. I'm coming all over. Coming all over.

Sex appeal. Fortune's coming everywhere Alright well thank you for the time Fortune Get tickets to the tour and we'll talk to you next time Alright Thanks Bye សូវាប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បាាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.