KFC Radio - Frankie Borelli Has Dementia Ft. Gary Gulman and Sam Morril

Episode Date: November 4, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO Frankie joins us for the pod today which means we go OFF the rails. The guys cover: - Frankie has had the strong urge to moan - Squid Game Porn - Frankie isn’t going to be able to get a bank load - Frankie’s anesthesia dick - KFC shows Frankie and Feitelberg Bert’s Balls - All three take turns reading erotica - AITA - Video Voicemails - Getting bought drinks - Cracker kid and his peeing anxiety - Good karma 02:14:16 - Gary Gulman on bringing mushrooms for KFC and Feits, mental health, playing college football, being a substitute teacher and much more 02:59:38 - Sam Morril on getting trapped in a bathroom before a show, living with Rachel Feinstein in Amy Schumer’s home, New York teams and much more Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Like, I talk for five minutes on this show and it's over. I'll never... I'm getting denied houses. That's what I love about this show. I can't even get fucking bank loans. Like, were you on KFC Radio? I can't trust this fucking guy. Are you ready for that? Are you ready for that? Frankie's here.

Frankie Varelli. What's up, Francis? Yeah, baby. Frankie's back. Frankie's here Frankie Francis yeah baby Frankie's back Frankie's back dude I've been having I've been having urges recently to moan like bro I said this to fucking Trent the other day during a golf trip we were standing in a fucking airport I'm like I just want to moan so loud right now there's something about like what would happen like a moan like a a's something about what would happen. Give me a moan. Just like, what would happen? What would happen?

Jackie's literally covering her mouth over there. What would happen? What would the reaction be? You tell me. On the count of... I'm going to moan how I thought he was going to moan. I thought he was going to go... He went... He went...

No, I want to be like... I want to be getting fucking fucked when I do it. You stepped on a tack or something. You don't want to moan. You want to like. Step on a Lego. Yeah. Squeal really. God.

Yeah. You want to squeal like a little piggy getting fucked. Wow. Why? What do you think this is? I don't know, man. It's just been something that to squeal like a little piggy getting fucked. Yeah. Wow. Why? What do you think this is? I don't know, man. It's just been something that's been going on. Are you getting fucked at home?

Is something going on? Are you not getting fucked at home? No, it's just an urge to want to disrupt normal behavior. What's really funny about that story is that you're telling it to Trent, who is the last guy in the world that I think can relate to sexual moaning. Listen to this. This hasn't come out yet, but this was just me the other day. What do you think about that?

No? Hold on. I like that. Talk to me. Make me squirt. I just told Lurch to make me squirt on the golf course. Like I was like, just make me squirt. You're out of control.

I'm out of control right now. You are out of control. That was two months ago, so I don't know. You are. I'm a fucking bender. You're on a horny bender. You're on a bender of horniness. But it's like, yeah, it's weird, dude.

Yeah. I'd say so. This is why I wanted to have you. We started to have this idea of having a Barstool person on our Thursday episode every week. I think we've done it like one set of like the last four weeks. That's about how our ideas go. Yeah. We'll get there.

But you were like, was basically like I just wanna We need to have Frankie back on And then maybe we'll keep it rolling Because Frankie always delivers I'm also happy you're here We will be doing The Bert Kreischer ballroom Oh I can't wait

Yeah That is it We went to see Segura last night And Kevin was showing the picture Around like Segura's dressing room And he's like He's like Are you showing everybody And Kevin was like I'm not showing himura's dressing room. And he's like, you're showing everybody? And Kevin was like, I'm not showing him yet.

So everyone was looking at me like, oh! And I was just sitting in the corner like a fucking loser. Be like, I want to see that dude's testicles. And everyone's had a different reaction. Some people have moaned and shrieked. Some people have just been pure confusion. Why are we doing that? Because I need to be mentally prepared.

Should we just get into it? Yeah. No, no, no. Let's talk a little. Let's talk a little. First of all, I know you say you don't, but when are you scheduling your second arm surgery? Because you got

three days out of major elbow surgery and then played two rock concerts. Which I think, short of throwing a baseball and UFC, I think what you were doing is probably the worst thing you could be doing. You know what was the worst so far that actually hurt me the most was writing. I wrote something.

And something about it. More than the drumming? Yeah, because there's something. That would be a post-drumming. This was post-drumming. I think that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Okay, okay. I think that was like, we can't do anything ever again.

Are you jerking off? I'm not in a car, actually. You know what hurt the most? Walking afterwards. Yeah, right. It wasn't the walking. You can jerkking off? I'm not in a car, actually. You know what hurt the most? Walking afterwards. Yeah, right. It wasn't the walking. You can jerk off fine? The first two weeks, I couldn't.

I was trying all different types of things. I was staring at it, just waiting for it to leak. I just wanted to work. I was just like, maybe I could. With the force? Yeah, maybe I could just bring it up and just out and just fucking watch it go. Fucking... I'm trying to find a place for where to land it like goes past my family Fucking come

People who say that shit with like I just do the stranger I like to go to their hand if you that's the fucking biggest lie ever right like we drink over there I mean, I've got done before I like I've gotten myself there and then like nine-tenths of the way and then finished lefty there's a real why it's like the stranger cuz it's like it doesn't feel normal no no no but I've gone the whole yes I'm right I'm a lefty so ready I've gone the whole way yeah but it's because like my left hand was broken right no I never realized about you guys? You're not a lefty, are you?

No, I'm actually dominant hand righty, but I do everything lefty. I golf lefty, swing lefty. So then aren't you dominant hand lefty? No, no.

I guess what you mean No, because I'm dominant hand lefty. You're right righty. I'm like the baseball player that plays first base that he catches, he throws

righty, but he plays lefty. It's like a lot of power hitters for some reason do that. I wasn't one of them. What I've never realized for you guys is that your whole life you spend shaking hands with your off hand no no i'm well yeah me yes yeah left yeah oh so maybe yeah but if you're just

a pure lefty like if i were to shake hands lefty i would feel weird that's how you guys always feel but that's why no because like i just have to learn that way all the time. I'm like kind of like I'm not ambidextrous. I'm not like a switch hitter and like that. Right. But I'm more ambidextrous than you are. Well, most lefties are like mix and match a little bit. Yeah. There's very few like I do everything lefty. I throw righty I shoot righty, I swing righty. Because it's also like

you know, you're on the play, not the playground, but like there's a bunch of fucking hockey sticks like you just gotta play righty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a golf club, a set of golf clubs, you gotta play righty. So you're kind of forced to do it. Scissors were the biggest one. Scissors or desks. You motherfuckers with your like, you just gotta play righty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a golf club, a set of golf clubs, you gotta play righty, so you're kinda forced to do it. Scissors were the biggest one. Scissors or desks. You motherfuckers with your desk, you don't understand how good you had it.

The connected thing. Or even writing for you. Like, I had this, this thing was just floating. Listen, the lefties are despicable. They walk away with a pencil and ink all over. You ever think about how crazy that is?

Like, my parents, maybe, maybe, probably not quite my parents, but like, people whose parents are a little bit older, they were beaten. They were beaten in

school because they wrote with their left hand. Were they? Yeah. If you didn't learn how to write, they just bashed your fucking knuckles. In like the Catholic school? I don't know. I think it was regular. Can we get a research on when they stopped assaulting children who were left-handed? That's crazy.

I don't think I knew that. It was very recent. You ever see the list of lefties that... It's like brilliant people, right? It's all the brilliant people in the world. Like every brilliant person on the planet was left-handed. And there's a couple exceptions. Yeah.

Right. Dude, the list is insane. It's like Mozart, Beethoven. It's fucking crazy. Albert Einstein. Albert Einstein. The list is insane. I mean, they're...

They used to tape your left hand behind your back and be like, go out into the world without your dominant hand. Like they're Spartan children who are going to be thrown off mountains if they didn't learn how to be incursive in their left hand. How do you finger people?

How do I finger people? I'll hit both. You'll catch both. Sometimes if I'm lefty and I need to get the job done, it's like my forearm's burned. That's how I got elbow surgery. Yeah. The thing was popping out. It started in the 80s.

Started in the 80s or ended in the 80s? Beating children in the 80s? No, dude, it had to have been earlier. It couldn't have started in the 80s. Oh, they started in like the fucking, you know, as soon as there were lefties and there were adults and children,

they were getting beat. So when did left-handed stop being punished? Like, what an outrageous concept! That truly is nuts. That has to be a Catholic nun thing. No, before the 70s,

this person went to school and wasn't beaten for righty-lefty. Sign of the devil. Like, bro, the things that we thought in such recent memory is insane. How about how we were like, oh my God, like the Taliban, those crazy fundamentalists.

But send your kids to Catholic school where they used to think that if you were lefty, you were the devil. Just as fucking crazy as anything else in this goddamn world. I wonder what we're doing right now. I say this all the time. I also say, what do you think you're doing right now that in a hundred years,

like when your grandpa like drops a racial slur and you're like, well, he's, you know, he's 90. What are we saying right now that they're like, can you believe they like probably gay? We still say gay a little bit.

That'll probably really be like offensive by the end of it when it's all said and done. I think that I got two. Both are pretty controversial I think. Here we go. One, I think eating meat. I think there will be a time where the beyond meat gets so good.

You just fucking eat animals. You actually slaughter animals. I could see that in hundreds. That would probably not my lifetime. Yeah, I could see that in hundreds. But yeah, I don't think it's that soon. That one's probably not my lifetime. But like maybe if I lived to like a hundred. If it happened in a hundred years, it wouldn't shock me. John, let's not plan for a hundred, bud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take care of that one.

JAR! I'm like, JAR! What is it in World War Z? I'm the fucking Zeke. Don't worry, boys, I got this one. And I think there might be a time where they're like, you just used to fuck one sex? Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Fuck everybody. Right, you didn't suck dicks also? Totally. I agree with both of those, actually. Yeah? Yeah, no, I do. Those are good ones. Because you can see the trend, obviously. We're at the beginning of both of those. It's more on the internet than anywhere else, but the internet's eventually, it's a virus that's gonna spread to everybody. I think we're just going towards

one thing. Like, you know, it'd also be like, oh, girls had long hair and boys had short hair, or like names, like all that shit. I think we're just going to be one fucking... Oh, I meant to talk about this. You might actually like this. Because you get weird, right? When Frankie's brain starts going about like semi-serious things,

he starts moaning and shit. He loses it. But I watched a... Gentlemen, I watched a 30-minute YouTube the other day. I thought you were going to say porn. That's fucking... I take intermissions in my porn. But I've done false features.

Totally, dude. I watched Squid Game porn the other day. What? Yeah, it's fucking awesome, dude. I'm sure I can find Squid Game porn. It day. What? Yeah, it's fucking awesome, dude. I'm sure I can find Squid Game porn. It's fucking awesome. What was it? It literally looked like Squid Games. They did the red light green light one, two, three, and then when the girl ran, the guy

came over and just fucked her. It was fucking awesome. Wait, can you watch a porn like that? Are you watching that to come or are you watching that for entertainment? I don't even know if I want to answer that question. Was it animated or real life? Real life.

Was it called Squirt Game? Because that's an easy layup. No. So it was like a clip of Red Light, Green Light,

one, two, it was, no. Whoa. Yeah, that's, wow. That's a lot to handle.

But, where was it, dude? That was deep on Reddit. Was it Pornhub? Oh, yeah. Oh,

okay. It was deep on Reddit somewhere. it Pornhub? Oh, yeah. I forgot you were a Reddit guy. It was deep on Reddit somewhere. I mean... Frankie goes to the dark web where people... Only, like, a part of the internet reserved only for stealing credit card numbers. Frankie goes to find his points. Exactly.

It's like, hey, can anyone help me hack my mom's credit card so I can buy Alabama flags? Let's see. I mean, here's something. Yeah, there it is. That's it, dude. That's fucking awesome. This was described as, I downloaded a very wrong Squid Game video. Dude, it looks just like it, man.

The production value is off the charts. Look at this. Oh, the CGI is unmatched. Look at this. Oh, come down. Yup. Wow. Oh, come down. Yup. Wow. So, is this... I don't think I have the answer to my question here.

I hope they kill her. No, I think... This is not an American porn. No, it's not. I don't know why there's no volume. It's a Reddit problem. Sometimes you have to hit the top link, the red gift. Come again?

Sometimes you got to click on that, right? Sometimes you got to hit this little, like, well, where, why? Oh, you got to be, like, in the app. Okay. Yeah, I have the app. Okay. You got to sometimes click on the red gift, and then the red gift has audio. It's got to have.

No one else knows what I'm talking about. It's got to have the. I'm not goingIFs has audio. You don't know what I'm talking about. It's got to have the... I'm not going to leave you out to dry. I know what you're talking about. I think you can do it with the Reddit app, but it's got to have the music, right? Yeah, so I think it has the music. I swear to God, I would say like 20% of Squid Game's success, I think, is that music. I think that sound, that repetitive...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was like a huge part of it. At the end of that clip, they actually animate their own Squid Game logo. I couldn't read it because it's in Chinese or something, Korean, but I mean, the money that was put into this thing is unreal. Yeah, this is awesome. I gotta be honest,

the video I watched, it doesn't look like some outrageous, big budget Hollywood movie. It seems like a pretty standard porn. This isn't even a full one. I don't know where they got the money to put up that graphic at the end. It's legit a wall painted. It's a painted wall.

That's it. Look at this thing. Look at the fucking production value. This is crazy. This is hilarious. This video doesn't have sound. You get the full experience. Let me get back to the...

Whatever. The thing is... But yeah, that's great. But you know what I always think about? Wait, so what video did you watch on YouTube? Wait, hang on. Okay. When you do like a porn parody, like what's in for for you like that's something like we would do almost you know let's make a squid game like spoof for barstool so we get some more views

are they doing that for like their porn page they're doing it for the views on on the people that want to see like their favorite shows and then people get fucked like friends right but you know like so there's some some porn hub account or whatever, Reddit account, that's like, I'm just trying to get these views, man. I just want to get more subscribers or whatever. Yeah, it's just funny to think.

Them being, like, unique and trying to, like... Yeah. I get it when it's, like, a couple or, like, a person. Or, like, the office. You want to see, like, fucking, like, the Scott and Pam and shit.

But when it's, like, vivid pictures or whatever. Wait, you watch The Office point? I'm saying if you want to do... Well, you just said it's fucking awesome. It probably is. It probably is. It probably is or it is? Yeah, I've typed in my shows

on Reddit, man. There's a whole Reddit page. I'm going to come. I'm not going... I'll watch Netflix when I'm done, but I want to see something despicable, and then I want to finish, ejaculate, if you will, and then I can go out, I'll go lay on the couch, and sometimes I won't finish, ejaculate if you will, and be

and then I can go out, I'll go lay on the couch and sometimes I won't even get off the couch to begin with but I'll go lay on the couch and I'll put on my TV I've gone way too dark and deep where I need to be entertained now it needs to be legitimate, up to production value I need the whole world you've gotten so dark and deep that you've come out

of the other end now it's like you're watching Jim and Bam make love, and deep that like you've come out of the other end yes where it's like now it's like I want like you're watching like you're watching Jim and Bam make love and it is like the most twisted thing

like you're like oh yeah kiss her dude kiss her Jim I'll watch it all hold her hand through the parking lot

oh god yeah fucking family guy oh I could see you watch family guy porn I could if I want what do you think about the cartoon porn love it yeah the noises i just the noises i just do that's out of shit dude look how big this chick's dick oh my god dude look at that and you can't really hear because i was like recording off my computer but like the the thwops yeah are just the flops Flops are nuts. They're just good, man. Flop, flop. I mean, this is...

Look how big this chick's dick is. Yeah. I'm talking about... Now, I will... Look how tiny her waist is, how big her tits are, and how big her dick is. Look how long her balls are hanging at the top. Oh, man. Look at those things.

Look at those balls. Those balls are... So, having not seen Bert's balls, that's like my balls. You can... When you're fucking a girl... My balls swing. My balls swing. Do they hit? Yes. If I'm fucking a girl in the ass, I can hit her that's like my balls. You can see, when you're fucking a girl. My balls swing. My balls swing. Do they hit?

Yes. If I'm fucking a girl in the ass, I can hit her clit with my balls. On a certain day, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, not always. Sometimes they're on my dillo. I've had sex in a hockey parking lot before. No one was getting hit with swinging balls that day.

Yeah, those balls are tight. But if it's a hot day and I'm swinging, it's like your balls are on my clit. I got a buddy who's got two just absolute coconuts. It's a problem. Are they injured or something? No, dude. And he always whips them out because it makes everyone just laugh out loud

at how injured they are. It's like a little mini hot dog resting on the top of two flesh balls. Just like a little fucking... He can pee on his own balls. He can pee on his balls. If he wants to. It's crazy, dude.

That is tough. All balls, no dick. It's a horrible life. Does it fit in boxers? No, it's just spilling out. Are they swollen? Are they dark? They're swollen and red and just fucking huge.

That is a bad life. That's one of those things, too. I feel like having swollen balls is like when you bite your lip. Now it's in the way, so now it just keeps getting hit. Everything's in the way. What would you rather have? Cauliflower ears or swollen balls? Swollen balls for sure, man.

Cauliflower ears are horrendous. I think balls for sure, man Cauliflower ears, horrendous I think if it's not that bad Cauliflower ears Well, no, I'm talking both ears are swole up shut Like what's his name? Ben Askren or whatever his name is Yeah, all those guys I think that you can spin cauliflower ears

As like a cool thing While it's objectively gross I think right now MMA is having such a moment And it's almost like a sign, like, don't fuck with me. If you're a good-looking guy... I don't know, man. It's just too gross. Swollen balls in some circles are sick.

What circles? Apparently Frankie's friend circle. Huge balls. It's a funny party trick. Pulls them out, we go crazy. No one's going crazy for the cauliflower i could just picture frankie being like yeah he did it he brought him out again yes yes yes that's exactly what we do i knew i knew a bunch of kids a bunch of animals went to um shaman you know

weird school weird school and they're the weirdest kids man all my friends are from shaman i make fun of them incessantly. What's the old joke? Why are there no stairs in Chaminade? Because fairies know how to fly or something like that. Oh, you know what ours was in school? I'm not going to say it. Oh, God.

Hard F words. Yep, exactly. It was against BC High, and you know it. No, well, maybe. BC High, BC Low, that's where all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to finish it, but that was a lot of gay stuff going on in middle school. Well, these guys were just total animals.

And when the last pope was elected, or I guess maybe two popes ago, they were in high school, and they just went nuts for it. Like, they were, like, standing, like, just to fuck around. Oh, that's kind of awesome. Like, the teacher came in and was like, like, gentlemen, we have white smoke, you know, Pope Benedict,

or whoever it was has been, and my one friend Andrew, like, stood up on the, and this guy's like a gorilla to begin with, he stood up on the desks and was like, New Pope! New Pope! He'd be, like, flipping desks and was like, NEW POLE! NEW POLE! Like flipping desks and going wild

because like, you know. Championship in their world. Yeah, I mean it was just like dumb Catholic school boys going bananas. Alright, you wanna do the balls? Or you wanna do my YouTube video? They're two very different roads. Because the YouTube shit I watched was like, Let's do the YouTube! Because we already started that.

This was a really... I don't know how I saw this, but I saw a tweet that said, this is the most profound moment in gaming history. Oh, wow. Then I opened it up, and it was a YouTube account that was like, this might be the most profound moment in media history.

Did you ever play the game Metal Gear? Yeah, I think so. Metal Gear Solid? Yeah. Metal Gear Solid with Snake? Yes. But this was Metal Gear Solid 2 play the game metal uh metal gear um yeah i think you're solid yeah yeah metal you're solid with snake yes but this was metal you're solid too with a guy named raiden or riding and anyway at the very end um he like went you win but at the very end you find out that you were like a puppet and the general who was ever giving you orders was actually artificial intelligence this shit came out in the year 2000 and predicted everything

from like cancel culture to fake news to misinformation. And the basic premise was that humans are too stupid to basically know what's important and what's not important to pass down to the next generations. So we're just getting stupider and stupider

and focusing more and more on the wrong things and getting like radicalized and like the way that people get like hardcore for their political parties. People are digging their heels in. They'd rather die than admit that they're wrong and that you need something to like to sift out what's like worthy of learning and what's not. So like, they're, they're still kind of the bad guys in the end. Cause they're talking about censorship. They're like,

we'll tell you what you should and shouldn't know. This is all inside the game. And this is at the end of a video happening. Yeah. It's like the two little people, like there's two heads talking and there's like words popping up in the middle. Like a video game. And it's like,

you know, the, the good guy is like, you're not going to censor me. Like I have free will. And the guy's like, you're too stupid for free will and it was in the year 2000 and it predicted like all of this shit and so at the end it was kind of like yeah censorship's bad but i was kind of like if you told me that there was like a computer system that was like will sift out the dumb stuff and

then tell you the good stuff i'd be like i trust that more than the dumb people of the world yeah i'm pro censorship yeah i i was kind of like this is like like i was listening to the bad guy in the video game and i was like this guy's making a lot of points there should be someone out there being like this podcast shouldn't go out there should be someone in control someone should be like that guy doesn't we should a car. We should honestly have a disclaimer. Enough people listen to our podcast that if we ever heard about them putting certain things into practice, I'd be like, no, don't listen to us. Totally. Why one or two appearances on this within a year just ruin everything about me? I talk for five minutes on this show and it's over.

I'll never. I'm getting denied houses. That's what I love over I'll never I can't even get fucking bank loans like were you on KFC Radio I can't trust this fucking guy I'm sitting there you go on KFC Radio you ruin your credit I'm sitting there in a tie and he's like did you say that you want to get

your asshole spat in so much that it actually comes out of your mouth and you turn into the fucking water fountain at the mall? Did you say that you like your porn so hardcore you need to squeegee the ground to push the blood into the sewers?

Like the Box Cutters episode. Yeah, people... He was disappointed in this. People might not know that. I always forget that we've been doing this long enough and there, people might not know that. Frankie's like, I always forget that we've been doing this long enough and there's a lot of new listeners.

Frankie said that like the episode in Breaking Bad where Gus cuts his henchman's neck with a box cutter and the blood pours all over their

meth lab and Jesse and Walter need to squeegee the blood into like the vents on the ground, the sewer. He said, I want my porn to be like that. the blood into the vents on the ground, the sewer. He said, I want my porn to be like that. My porn sets need vents on the floor.

Do your family ever hear those things that you're saying? Probably, dude. I don't want to think about that. Do you think that's a lot of don't ask, don't tell in the Borelli family? Is there a lot of don't ask, don't tell in the Borelli family? It's just like no one talks about any of that stuff with me, but then I'll hear my dad walking the dog. He'll come in, and he has the show.

He's playing on his phone, on speakerphone. I'm just like, what did I say in that episode? And then I hear it from across the house. I'm like, boy, that's awkward. Boy, that's awkward. They just go down and share an orange juice and a breakfast together. It's just like, damn, dude.

Damn. You ain't making pizzas anymore, pop. You're eating Kansas anymore. We ain't eating Borelli's anymore, pops. You're eating Kansas anymore. We ain't eating Borelli's anymore, pops. He's sitting there, he's like, oof. We are that show, man. I mean, I remember Casey, you know, Casey does a million shows, but her family, her dad and her mother, like,

finally stumbled upon KFC Radio after she was doing CCK, and she was like, you cannot listen to that one. I was like, wow, we're really that one, huh? That's our show. It's my fault because it bleeds into foreplay also. I talk about this all the time. I love when foreplay, both foreplay and chiclets. You guys do golf and hockey, great.

I know why you do it. It's your specialization. It helps a lot with merch. It helps a lot with the audience. I know. All that shit. But both shows are so much better when you guys aren't talking about golf. Bro, we talk about golf 10% of the time. When you're doing the hypotheticals, when you're doing the gross shit, it turns into a KFC Radio episode and you're so much better when you guys aren't talking about golf. Bro, we talk about golf 10% of the time. When you're doing the hypotheticals, when you're doing the gross shit, it turns into a KFC Radio episode and you're so much better at that. I talked about my anesthesia dick

the other day. Ooh, go on. You didn't hear about my anesthesia dick when I had my surgery? Proceed. Was it hard? No, dude, it was horrifying. I fucking go in for my elbow surgery. I'm all freaked out, like you're about to get put under, which to me is like a really nice feeling. You're about to go to sleep

like by love that last second the forceful feeling of going to sleep is pretty cool yeah it's still nerve wracking like in my head

I'm like you're about to go to sleep right now you're about to go to sleep right now you're about to go to sleep right now and then you go to sleep it's a fucking weird feeling so I get the surgery I'm in the recovery room

and I'm like for some reason I was naked like all the way down to my Tommy John boxers I guess because of sterilization. Like, it's an elbow surgery. I'm like, why am I naked? No, no, you got to be in the gown.

Oh, you're in the gown, though. Yeah, I'm in a gown, but, like, I have my boxers on, and that's it, right? So I wake up, which to me felt like a second. You close your eyes, open them up. You're just now in another room. It's a weird feeling. Bandaged up or whatever. So I'm bandaged up.

I'm looking around. I'm completely out of, like like i'm out of it and this big nurse this old this older lady big woman comes over and she's like all right sweetie we got to get you up we got to get you up and moving and i was like okay so i get up and i look down and uh just disgusting limp penile is hanging out of the little area, you know on Tommy John's where it can just slip out, you know, the little pouch? It's got the quick-draw fly. Just this, like, pale head of a penis is just flopping around.

And I looked at her, and she shrieked. She went, whoa! And I was like, oh, like, looking around. You're not really working to put it back in. I was like, oh, she goes, put yourself together, sweetie. And I was like, oh, just like the most yourself together, sweetie. And I was like, ugh. Just like the most disgusting penis she's ever seen in her entire life. You made a medical professional shriek at your penis?

Dude, it was gray. You know what I mean? It was like an alien. Like an alien head. Yeah, it was an alien head. It looked like defrosted meat from the freezer. Oh, God. I hadn't moved in three hours.

I'm laying there. It slipped out, like slithered out. I mean, that's as soft as you can get, right? Oh, God, dude hadn't moved in three hours. I'm laying there. It slipped out, like slithered out. I mean, that's as soft as you can get, right? Oh, God, dude. It was so bad. No, legitimately, though, like your injured body is like, you know, you're not turned on. Your body's not worried about your dick at all.

You're like keeping your blood as tight as possible. I was going to say, your body's like, yo, we just lost a bunch. We have no blood to spare for the penis right now. We need blood in our brain, blood in our heart. We're not giving it to the dick right now. You look like an alien, like a dead alien found in the desert. Look like fucking Voldemort. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So my anesthesia dick was probably the worst feeling I've ever had about myself. You're the color of like a dolphin. Yeah. Like a stingray. Exactly. A dolphin's a dolphin. A beluga whale.

I think a dolphin's a little too vibrant and gray. Like it's a more. Because it like. It's a more. Dolphins are a more... It's a Seattle dusk. Yeah, you need something that's not reflective, like a dull gray, you know? Because the dolphins are slick and shiny. You need something that's just blah.

Wow. Ray Fleshtick. That poor, poor nurse. And nurses, I mean, dude, nurses like white asses. They deal with ugly vaginas. They cut people open. nurses like white asses. They deal with ugly vaginas. They cut people open. They go up assholes. They took just a look at your regular penis and were like, ah!

I think the way it slithered out was a shock factor. It was like a snake. Yeah, it was bad. It was bad. Yeah, it literally was like, ah! Yeah, yeah. All right, well, while we're talking about ugly genitals, it's time. So just to recap for, like, the fourth episode in a row,

I'm a big fan of Burt Kreischer. He's done the show a couple times. He gave me his number once. We've only texted a couple times here and there. And I say that to explain, like, if I texted Chris DiStefano right now, like, show me that dick pic, he would do it. If I text Josh Wolfe right now, you know, Josh Wolfe's got them all on deck, you know. Certain guys I've become very friendly with.

Burt, I'm just, like, professionally friendly with. But close enough and funny enough that I was like, I want to see this picture of your balls. Because on his episode, he said, I have, like, the longest balls in the world. Me and John often talk. John sits on his balls all the time. I talk about mine swanging like a grandfather clock. Like, I was like, I balls in the world. Me and John often talk. John sits on his balls all the time. I talk about mine swanging like a grandfather clock. I was like, I got to see this. And I texted him, just get ghosted.

Just left on read, me texting another grown man about his balls. Luckily, Tom Segura comes into the office just last episode. And Tom is able to deliver the picture. I got the picture the night after Tom was on the show. And I've been sitting on it since. Sitting on it. Because I was like, I want to do this on the air. And I mean, it's like having a present to show somebody.

You know what I mean? I can't imagine what this is. I want to give it. And for reference, Bert is on his bus. He was going down the aisle. So he had his pants down for some reason. So he's backing up with his nuts out. So you're basically about to see

in the movie Waiting when they talk about the goat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the goat, right? Or the brain. No, this is the goat. The goat. You're about to see the goat. Okay.

But just in a horrifying way. Now you want me to just show it like this? Just show me the fucking nuts, dude., this is the goat. You're about to see the goat. But just in a horrifying way. Now you want me to just show it like this? Just show me the fucking nuts, dude. Just show me the nuts. It's so good, dude. It's totally going to deliver. How could they be so crazy? They're so long

and the part that it's connected to it's just staggering. Ready? 3, 2, 1, it's just staggering. Ready? Three, two, one. Bird's balls. Does it not look like a penis and balls? It looks like a penis and balls, doesn't it? Dude, what the fuck?

That looks like a penis in balls, doesn't it? Dude, what the fuck? That looks like a dick in his ass. Dude, they almost go down to the bend in his knees. Yes. That's his knee. Oh, my God. That looks like a dick in balls fucking him in the ass. But it's just his balls and his tube. That's his dick tube, you know?

You know how your dick tube goes from your dick all the way back to your butt? No, that's just his balls. That's his tube. No. How could that be his tube? That's his dick tube, you know? You know how your dick tube goes from your dick all the way back to your butt? No, that's just his fucking... That's his tube. No. How could that be his tube? That's his nutsack. How could that be his tube? That's his...

You're telling me that's the base of his dick right there? No. No, no, no, no. That's... Like, that's like his taint. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. Hey.

Dude, it looks like he's being fucked. I... I've seen it. It's like a dildo. That looks like a dildo It looks like a dildo With balls Going up into it That's not

That's not normal That's abnormal I've seen it You're telling me You can contend with this On a long ball day I might have A puncher's chance

No Way Well you know What that means Like on your next Long ball day You're gonna have to do this We're gonna have to do it

Yeah You have a chance at that I feel like I do, man. I feel it. I feel like I have him in talking game. Look how far back they're, like, coming around his. That's insane. It's not just, like, he's cracked.

Zoom out. Zoom out. When you see his whole body, that's insane, man. But he's a little crouched down. All right, so I'm just trying to fucking figure it out here. He's a little. I cannot look at Jackie while I do this. I'm just going to stare at the wall. He's a little crouched down.

If you get a little hang, I think – If we're talking mid-quad with a crouch, I could be in the – That's not mid-quad. That's mid-quad with a crouch. That's like knee, dude. No, mid is like there where the top of his balls are. That second ball bottom is another like three inches lower. Can I make another confession right now?

Uh-huh. For my entire life until basically right now, I thought I had an undescended testicle because my nut's like that where I got like one higher nut, one lower. I've always been like I think I have undescended testicle because my nuts like that where I got like one higher nut one lower well that's also I was like I've always been like

I think I have undescended testicles I've just shut my mouth about it well should I not have said that can I take that one back yeah

are you telling me Bert also has an undescended testicle because I have nuts like Bert this guy has your nuts are totally like yeah they're symmetrical yeah yours are too I think so Are you telling me Bert also has an undescended testicle because I have nuts like Bert This guy has a mess totally like yeah, they're symmetrical. Yeah, yours are too. I think so All right, we got one. Yeah, I think that might be but not that my this is unhealthy

Symmetry birds are on top of when minor when minor hanging been banging that walking like that There that. There's a stark disparity. Like two marbles in each other? Yeah. Because that also gives you... What's that thing called? The... You keep going back and forth? You... That will give you some length

because you have another ball. Yeah, it's pulling you down to the depths of hell with it. But your balls are this low because you have another one on the bottom. Also, his like... I have one nut that's just been fucking snipped. So it's just bouncing around that bag solo. And then it's just...

There's nothing connecting. Like, if you were to cut the skin, it would just fall out. Yeah, it's like... Your balls right now is a wet brown bag of groceries, and it's wet at the bottom and, like, an orange could just fall out. It could just rip and fall out. There's nothing

connecting you to that bag. I am relieved, scared, entranced. I am feeling so many things. Challenge? You're ready to challenge, brother. His tube is smooth, too. Smooth, too. Shout out Manscaped. No, but just like you would think with that

much hang for that many years that it would be like wrinkly or... Wrinkled and like it's like stretched and weathered. That thing's smooth, man. What's going on there? I also just don't get that. That looks like a head. That looks like a tip of a dick.

I don't get it. I don't get it at all. I'm going to be thinking about it. Kevin, you better get ready to get a lot of pictures of my balls. Does he get to like add those inches on to his dick size? Yes. Yeah, definitively, yes. I guess he's got a 15-inch dick now.

You know what I've just visualized here, too? I visualized, like, I'm an island boy. Like, what are those lines? What is that? All of those creases and cracks and shit. That looks like a jester. That looks like a court jester. His grunt looks like the state of Texas, bro.

You got to start. That's his nose. That's his mouth. Hey, baby, want to take a trip down to the Lone Star State? That is Burt's nutsack is the Bermuda Triangle. You get lost in that shit. Yeah, you get lost in here. You're going to see some stuff that scares you, and you're never coming back out.

Bro, that, like, yeah. You're going to have to have a nut off, like, in person. Yeah. Oh, I'd love that. But it depends. I got to have the right day, you know? Yeah. Well, that's the thing.

This might be, like, every day for me. Yeah, if that's how Burt wakes up, if that's a day. I will go up like this. I mean, that is. Then maybe he's got me. But, like, if we're having fucking... We can fucking compare nut day picks and nut day

picks. I think... I don't want to say... Burns Tyson. Okay? Yeah. You might be Buster Douglas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You might... It's like when you're at the grocery store and you have two kiwis in those plastic bags and they're just fucking walking up. You just want like one or two kiwis.

And you feel like you have a huge ball sack in your hand. That's exactly what he has. So I showed this to a girl and I forgot to tell her that he was backwards. So she thought this was forward. And she goes, where's his penis? She saw one big pussy in the front. It looks like he has a pussy. Like you could fuck that hole it seems like.

The ones, yeah, where you can't see any of the pussy. It's just the whole thing is covered. It's crazy. It's also crazy that we've been doing this for like, we did this whole segment we've been doing for three weeks. Imagine if this was just like, imagine if I was like, look at Whitney Cummings pussy, dude. Like we're just objectifying

Burt Crusher's ball sack for a week for ourings pussy, dude. Like, we're just objectifying Burt Kreischer's ball sack for a week for our content. Fuck. And nothing. And guess what? We have Burt on the show coming up. We have him in studio

this Saturday. I think you're going to see him in the flesh. Yeah. I don't know about in the flesh. I mean, you think he'll show us his balls in real time? Yeah, that would be cool.

That'd be a moment. I think we all have to show each other. We have to have a moment. It's going to be a whole ball. Jackie, stay home that day. Yeah. Jackie might have to go outside the room for the extra.

That's not attractive, right? Like long balls down to the kneecap? No. No. Definitively no. I feel like balls are just something that girls have to put up with, right? I think even dicks are just like, we'll tolerate it because it kind of can give us pleasure, but not really. That sucks.

That sucks for girls. I guess I'm not like, it's not like when I see a pussy I'm like Oh that looks You know what I mean? None of the genitals are really that good In a situation But girls can make it presentable That's why I've always been off oysters I can't fuck this

Oysters look like pussies Oysters look like pussies They're even look like pussies. What? Oysters look like pussies. What? They're even shaped like pussies. What pussy are you? Oysters look like pussies. That's not even... It's an alien pussy. It's not a human pussy. It's a grey pussy. It's a post-surgery anesthesia pussy.

Like an open... Yeah, like a fucking open puss. Bro, this is not gonna be my fucking bags of sand moment. I've seen pussies before. I don't think you have. Why do vaginas look like oysters? Yeah!

John, this looks like a pussy to you? Not like an alien. I said alien pussy. Show me the pussy. Describe the pussy to me. Dude, what are you talking about? Show me where the pussy is. This is the best.

And I'm not going to let one asshole on Reddit who doesn't know what a pussy looks like. Find the one. Look, there's a clit up top. Babe, clit up top. Fucking gray pussy on the outside. I saw a pussy there. Yeah, you can see pus there. There's fucking pus in that.

Right there, that's a pussy. That's a pus. The clit I get. The rest is just a bad pussy. Yo, it's a fucking oval-shaped thing with a clit. That's a puss. Woo! So, you know what, girls?

Stop complaining about it. I'm fucking talking about what's going to be my bag of sand moment. Don't complain about dicks and balls, girls, because you got oyster pussies, okay? Fucking oyster puss, and it smells like it, too. Isn't it so funny? It actually does. I don't know where that came from. I don't know if I've ever fucked a pussy that was like this.

Good for you, man. Yeah, you have? There was one girl I've tasted pennies before. I've had copper for sure. Every girl's pussy tastes like copper. Copper pennies? It tastes like pennies.

If you lick a penny, you've tasted a pussy. Vice versa. If you're like a virgin and you don't know, lick a penny. And then you are ready for oral sex with a girl. I feel like I have, you know, not like fish, but, you know, not hasn't been pleasant. Yeah, I like a little salt on it. Yeah, like, yeah, there's some, there's just something, you know what it is? Hey, babe, go for a run around the block a few times.

Oh. Yeah, there's just something. You know what it is? Hey, babe, go for a run around the block a few times. You'll put salt on your food? What are you talking about? I knew a guy who hooked up with a girl in the backseat of a car in Cancun. Her pussy was so bad, he was going down on her And he would Throw up out the window of the car

And then come back in and keep going That's That's a bad vagina You think you've You think you've had bad pussy Have you ever thrown up Out of the back seat of a car And then dove back in

Pussy Have you ever had that bit of pussy And have you ever been that Desperate to get laid Neither Just leave it, dude. Just go home and jerk off. He is in fucking war with those things.

That is down bad. Oh, shit. I don't know how or when I'm going to do any ad reads on this show. I just got a question. We can do... All right, I'll take it normal for a second, because I had a little rant I had to go on about last night. Also, I think the funniest pussy is sore of all time.

Wait, let's finish this. We still got pussies out. There's some more juice in this one. Some more oyster juice. Get the Clamato out. We may have to cut it because I don't know if it's public, but when he went to the chiropractor, he ate too much pussy.

We'll beep out the name if we have to. I think that is the funniest fucking story I've ever heard in my entire life he ate so much pussy that he had to go see a chiropractor the next day so the other day we see him I'm like you're trying to see a chiropractor on Monday it's the fucking best

you're trying to have such a good Thursday you go to the chiropractor on Monday and then as I understand it the next morning she still was like get me out of here. So, like, if you eat so much pussy that your neck hurts, and that girl is still waking up in the morning like, this is the biggest regret of my life.

You're either really bad at going down on girls, or your company otherwise is horrendous. Dude, he came walking into the office, and he turned around like this. I'm like, what happened here? Because I ate too much pussy. I ate too much pussy, dude. Bro, I remember that episode. He ate so much pussy.

He couldn't even turn his head. Bro, I remember that episode of Curb Your Duty. That episode of Curb with Larry's like, there's only two ways you hurt your neck. Car accidents and cuddling. And I was like, what is he talking about? I've never hurt my neck eating pussy. I guess I haven't been eating pussy good enough, man.

You're not diving in there, dude. Bro, I was watching that show late on the couch, like a girl having girls night, where I was trying to trying to be like alright, how would I have to like bump my neck up? Could you imagine that moment? Do you think that for him it was like he woke up the next morning or do you think in the moment he was like he was digging in and then he was like

ah, fuck! He was Greg Jennings, put the team on his back are you hurt or injured? Fucking muck that barn. That was his flu game. I hope it happens. He was diving in and he felt like a pinched nerve. He's like, I gotta finish. Like the old guy in the pizza review where he threw his back out.

That guy's unbelievable too. What are the odds that we did a pizza review and the guy threw his back out in that one little one second frame. That yelp. He goes, oh good pizza. Ha ha ho! He threw his back out. one little, one second frame. That yelp. He goes, oh, good pizza. He threw his back out. Threw his back out.

He laughed himself into a back spasm. Oh, God. All time. We can do an ad read on that. You going to go out this weekend and have a good time? You got to make sure you have Revitalite on deck to make sure you fight through that hangover afterwards. You wake up, you got a busted neck, you got to hit the chiropractor.

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Uh, you can get it at the Barstool Sports store. You can get it. The best part, you know, you used to have to go get Pedialyte in the baby aisle. You're crippled and hungover with your broken neck from too much activity. And there's a mom getting diapers. And you're like, yeah, man. It's so weird.

Now you don't have to worry about that at all. You can just get it right from the Barstool Sports store. And you can tweet at us, at Drink Revitalite. Show us your morning after stories, and we'll repost you with your Revitalite tales. What do you got to rant about, buddy? Oh, I forgot about it. Okay, now I'm hot again. Dude, so this is a thing I've run into.

Maybe I probably tell more stories than most people, so I get it more often, I think. But I'm so sick of people on the internet not believing things. Oh, yeah. I'm done with it. Last night I got legitimately rattled and triggered. What tale were you telling last night? It was the most believable regular-ass fucking story. So here's what happened.

It was after I left you. I split from you. In fact, I am going to tell people and if you want to figure it out, if you can fucking... I didn't have my receipt, so people didn't believe me. But you want to call the Westside Market.

I was on the 14th... I'm sorry. I was on the 7th Avenue side. And it was... My bill was $51.73. I will tell you everything I purchased. It was three boxes of cereal. It was French Toast Crunch. It was Special K Red Berries,

and it was Frosted Mini Wheats. I'll write you back $15. I got a roll, no, more than that. It was two or seven each. One was five each, I think. It's actually the picture on the top. $7. And then I also got a gallon of milk.

I'm sorry, not a gallon, a half gallon of milk. It was 2%. It had a purple cap. And I got a roll of a loaf of farmhouse sweet Hawaiian bread. Great choice. I was like, you know what? I prefer the hearty white, but the sweet Hawaiian also fire. Yeah.

And then, so what's happening is as I'm checking out, I was on the phone. I was like, I was hungry. I was kind of annoyed. I walked for a while. I've been walking for an hour at that point. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know. I was wanting of annoyed. I walked for a while. I'd been walking for an hour at that point. And I was like,

I don't know, I was just wanting to get the fuck out of there. And as I check out, I see an orange rolling on to my counter. As the woman's bagging my stuff. And I was like, whatever. And I see two more limes come. And I was like, whatever.

And a fucking six pack of beer comes. And I was like, what is going on? And the woman was like whatever and a fucking six pack of beer comes and i was like what's going on and the woman was like uh she goes is that yours i was like no it's not mine and he goes she goes together and the dude behind me goes i don't know this fucking guy and i was like i was like dude what and then and then like there was kind of like this weird, quiet time. I'm on the phone, so I'm like, hang on one second. I'm trying to figure this fucking shit out. And then no one does anything, and the woman just hits purchase. And I just fucking swiped it.

And I went, yo, enjoy your beer, and walked out. And he's like, hey, hey, hey. And I was like, I just kind of made my hand, and he stormed out. And I sent a tweet that said. You paid for this guy's beer? Yeah. I sent a tweet that said. Because he's V's beer yeah i said a tweet that said where is he's vitalberg that is so believable that's actually twofold believable it was i said uh okay uh just wanted to buy some cereal at the market dude behind me put a six-pack right up there with

my shit no divider i didn't say anything just paid for his beer and walked away because i'm a coward that's the whole story not that crazy people like bull fucking That is like, oh, there's some confusion at the market. The fucking bag lady and the cashier register don't speak English. I was on the phone. I didn't feel like dealing with all this stuff. I was like, here's fucking $14. Let me get the fuck out of here. I don't care.

I also think it's believable because we know you're a coward. We've been talking about stories like this our entire careers here, how you'd rather pay for something or lose money or whatever to avoid awkward confrontation. And also, if I'm in that spot and someone says something to me, like, I don't know this fucking guy and he's a dick, I'm going to try to big time him and be like, here's your beer, you peasant. Even though it's like,

I'll show you, I'll give you free beer for the night. I know it doesn't make sense, but in my mind it does. I've told you everything that was purchased. Fucking call Westside Market. Do that. Ask what that all costs with tax. I guarantee you it's $51.73.

Bang. Fuck you. Who the fuck would make that up? Who would make that up? That's the other thing. Like, to know all the details. It's crazy. I also have said over the years, if some of these stories that we talk about are fake,

then we should have a show on Netflix of all time. And I get, like, some of the stories, like, a story that recently has The Cop, our live show, November 12th, at Gramercy Theater, get tickets. The Cop, who woke me up on a park bench in Mount Pelier, is coming to the show. It's not 100%,

but his kid is coming, and he thinks he's gonna get his dad to come with him. That story, if you're like, I don't know, I get it. I cross international lines in that story. I smuggle drugs in that story. That story, this is a fucking... People do it with all the stories. Here's the deal.

Either maybe I have a more interesting life than you, or I tell better stories. And spoiler alert, it's Balboa! Yeah, I can't believe that, like, especially with the internet and social media and getting to, like, see the whole world, it's like, yo, people are fucking weird. They're weird and they're fucking assholes. Things happen. It's a bizarre fucking world. That guy said, hello, fucking guy. Who's that asshole?

He had a fucking biker jacket and a bag across his shoulder and he had fucking shaggy hair. He looked like a motorcycle biker. I guarantee you motherfuckers, he was going to get on a bicycle outside that. That's why I wish I could fight

for moments like that. Dude, I wish I could have fought this fucking airline worker. I really... Airline attendant? Oh, no, no. I just stopped hearing you. Airline. Airline. What would you consider the person?

Yeah, but it's the person that you check in with. Desk fucking loser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I told this a couple months ago on Foreplay, but I still think about it to this day. Every day, I bet you do. We live in a pandemic world right now, so you don't know what rules have changed and what

rules haven't, and the airport's a fucking nightmare right now. So usually, when you buy a fucking plane ticket, if you're row 7, you're going to board before row 35, right? In a normal world. So I'm walking through this airport. It's like 6 o'clock in the morning in San Francisco. We just got done with a fucking shoot

for foreplay. And I'm by myself. I'm going to another state. Everyone else is going to another state. Anyway, I have AirPods in my fucking head. So I'm not paying attention. I'm like tired. I don't want to be there. No one wants to be at the airport ever. I walk up to the gate. I hear them say, so I'm row. So I could be at the airport ever i walk up to the gate i hear

them say so i'm row so i could be if you went back and listen to the other me tell it before i could have the numbers wrong but let's say i was row 14 right i heard over the last week of rows 15 through 20 can now sit right and come board so i'm like oh like i just missed your 10 through 14 i'm gonna go up there so i'm waiting on line i'm standing there and I go to scan it. And the guy puts his fucking hand on my chest and goes, excuse me, does 14 come between 15 and 20? And I took my AirPods out.

I said, what, what, what? And he goes, there's 14 come between 15 and 20. He's doing this with his hands. I'm like,

what the fuck's happening? 15. I was like, no, I almost didn't know the answer. I'm like, what the fuck's happening? It comes before 15. I was like, no. I almost didn't know the answer. I was like, no. And he goes, well, then step aside and wait for your group. I said, there's no fucking way this is happening right now.

So I stepped over, and I'm looking at everyone and being like, can you fucking believe this guy? I'm like, I have to fight this guy. They weren't doing it backwards, were they? They were going back to front. So I was like, what the fuck's happening right now? So I'm looking at people. I'm nervously laughing. I'm like, I'm going to fucking kill this guy.

So I'm standing there. And he goes, rows 10 through 14 can now abort. So I go up there. And I scan it. I look at him. And he goes, oh, look who learned how to count. And I said, all right. Now we have to fight.

I have to punch you in the face. Or else I can't get on the plane. Everyone's laughing. Oh, look who learned how to to count and I got on the plane like a fucking cuck I am I should have punched him in the throat I've been thinking about it I would have rather gone to jail than do what I did that's a movie scene

that's literally that's like a scene in old school when Mitch is going through the fucking airport and everyone's like disrespecting him. It was fucking crazy. The cab driver and everything. Yeah,

I mean, but, but like, unless, see, in that moment you have to be like a real baller.

Like, like, in that moment if you could be like, you know what man, like you may win today, but your job is to take tickets to this airport.

Like, you know what, you know what man, everyone in the world fucking hates going to the airport and that's every day of your life so you win this round but you lose the war but I'd rather just be able to fucking uppercut somebody

I actually wouldn't like yes in that moment I'd be furious obviously I was furious yeah the throat thing I wish I would've just been like fuck you dude you know I was one row off. Fuck you, man.

And we never bored back to front. Also, yeah. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I thought I missed my one earlier, dick. But the second I got, like, one breath of, like, all right, I'd be like, oh, I can't wait to tell this story. I would be so excited. I immediately texted the whole board.

You wouldn't believe this asshole. I get my anger right now. Telling that story is so much more fun than fighting someone. This is a great story. I don't want to fight people, but I want to like, just like if I wanted to, I want to be able to fucking kill people. Almost like in your situation, we got to just be so much more confident to be the asshole also. And I'm never the asshole. It's happened again on a fucking plane.

When I upgraded, we were coming from Californiaifornia to new york i splurged i spent my own money to upgrade to like comfort plus right it was like 180 bucks or something like that to get a fucking reclining seat in the whole thing and i'm sitting there and this fucking dog is next to me with this woman in the middle seat right and the dog's underneath my feet i tweeted out picture i sent it so this is all on the public record. Actually, maybe not. Maybe I sent it to... I could get you pictures, whatever. I'm the worst at telling stories.

Fucking dog is under me. Golden retriever is like laying underneath me. Huge fucking dog. To the point where I have my feet on my seat like this because I don't want to step on the dog, right? And the lady goes to me next to me. You were on a plane like this? We haven't taken off yet, right? And the lady goes to me next to me. You were on a plane like this? We haven't taken off yet,

right? And the lady, I'm trying to make noises like, this is insane, right? This is insane, right? And it turns out, she goes to me and she goes, you know, she goes, I'm so sorry about my dog. You wouldn't mind switching with my husband, right? He's just a couple rows back.

Out of comfort? So I don't know, right? He's just a couple rows back. Out of comfort? So I don't know, right? So immediately I'm like, well, I have no other choice. So see there, I sit like Indian style, like with my legs crossed or something like that, or I fucking move. So I get up, I'm like, sure, right? Like, fine.

Turns out the guy who I switched with had this, he was sitting next to my original seat that I upgraded from so I paid 180 bucks to move up then to be fucking told to go switch with the husband and he's like bumping into me

as he comes to my seat and I'm sitting there in a middle seat now middle seat all the way back to New York and I'm like why the fuck don't I have the balls

to tell that fucking bitch to go sit next to her husband with the dog you switch with the guy next to her husband with the dog? Yeah, go give someone back there the nice upgrade. Why am I going back? That's a scam in a couple of runs. That's like mom and pop from Seinfeld. She's been running that scam

for 40 years. We'll bring the dog with us, shove shit on the chair, that kid will get the fuck out of here. I was repeating it in my head. She actually said, you wouldn't mind, right? Right. So there's no way to... Imagine saying no. You wouldn't be so ridiculous

to decline this offer. Then you have to be like, no, I'm going to be an asshole. Would anyone sitting here do that? Would you be like, I kind of like to see it. I would say, I'm so sorry. Sorry for me being annoying. I am embarrassed for you that it took you this long to kick me out of my seat. I would like to tell you that I would have the balls to say something like, you know,

I could see because you still got that New York in you. Fuck off. Yeah, I have a little bit of that. I also would be like, you know, I need this seat just as much as your fucking, you know what I mean? Like, you and your fucking dog, like, I don't know. I could see myself maybe saying it, but more often than not, also, what the fuck are you, it probably is a scam, because why the fuck aren't you buying seats together with your fucking husband, you know? Dude. If it was a kid, if a parent said to me, like, I don't know why you'd be split up with your kids,

but if it was, like, a 12-year-old old or something and they're like, I would probably do that. But like two other grown adults, it's like, I don't think so. I think if you have the confidence to ask anyone for anything in those situations, you're going to get what you want. Yeah, definitely. 99% of the time. That's life. Like the people who walk in and ask for a raise, you're going to get it usually. It's crazy.

The people who say I'm taking a vacation, they don't ask for it. They're just doing it. The people who do I'm taking a vacation, they don't ask for it. They're just doing it. The people who do things get things. Dude, there's a scene in The Office when Stanford comes back to Scranton. Jim comes back to Scranton. And Ryan, the temp, has been sitting in his seat right in front of the page. Yes, yes, yes. And he goes, yeah, Jim is a nice guy.

Yeah. That's why I got the seat. Right. From the first time I saw that scene until every time I see that scene now, I still go, I'd rather be Jim. Well. I would rather be Jim. I'd be like, all right, fine.

Like, you're a fucking asshole, man. Right. Fine. Right. I don't like. You're an asshole at work sometimes. Like, it's even perfect because, like, they stand there awkward and it's like. Yeah.

I'd be like, all right, I'm fucking out. But that's an instance where Ryan is an asshole. But if you are an asshole to a bigger asshole, like your company or your boss or the man or whatever, and it's like, there's no love lost here. So, you know, then I don't give a shit. But otherwise, you're right. I would rather be known as like the nice, normal person. Yeah, nice guys finish last.

I don't think they fucking don't, man. Right. Well, they do, but I also think we care. I don't think nice guys finish last. I absolutely think they do. I'm a pretty nice guy. I'm all all right you're finishing like middle of the back better than last I it's I it's not last I know I'm not in first place I'll give you that but I'm not not in last place either I'm fine where I am yeah I'm out 13 bucks and a couple people on twitter

think I'm a liar but I fucking hate you guys and I am triggered about it. I want to be clear about that. I fully admit, very triggered, but I'd rather be like, here, enjoy your fucking beer, man. I'm not going to have these two women who English isn't their first language trying to figure out how to take the receipt back and fucking cancel that order and blah blah blah. It's a pain in my ass. Just fucking here. Have your beer.

How about, I'll ask Frankie this question. We've done it a couple times recently. A homeless guy punched me in the back a couple months ago. What? Yeah. Like maybe a homeless guy, definitely like a crazy guy. Like this guy had a home? He wasn't like, I'm just saying he wasn't like soot on the skin homeless, you know?

So he might have like some sort of shelter. We're crossing the street. I'm on the corner. He comes out of like a sort of shelter crossing the street i'm on the corner he comes out of like a cvs right by the garden and we like kind of come close to each other but there was no contact but it was just like regular new york city walking where you know you got to move your shoulders you dip around whatever and as i walk by he just kind of does like knuckle out like knuckles to my vertebrae you know like and What the fuck? And I was just like, ah! Kind of like the guy throwing his back at me.

How I want to moan. Yeah. And I'm like, what do I do? And I did nothing. You can't do anything. What are you going to get into, a fist fight? That's what I'm saying. That's insane. First of all, I'm fighting either a homeless or semi-homeless person,

a definite crazy person, someone who I am worth more than. It's a losing prospect, right? But at what point do you, would you, if he punched you in the face, would you do something? If he Rick Moranises you, remember that dude? Yeah. Fucking absolute clock. But even then, I think you have to fight back,

because then you're fighting for your life, no? Nope, nope. Well, if he's trying to kill you, yes, but if he just one punches you and keeps walking, it's like, all right, now I'm probably going to get punched in the face more. Sure. And what if I win this fight? Then there's like police and you know what I mean?

So it's almost like the same way. Like the people who ask you, they put you in a tough position and you're like, you're fucked from the jump. You know? Oh, somebody threw something in my car the other day. I haven't told this story yet. So I was driving it's it's kind of hard to explain but there's a spot like getting off the hutch near my apartment where like you merge and then you merge again so the whole it's always just a mess

right and me and another car we're we were kind of being the assholes we were merging late but we both did it you know so like he merged late and then i merged late in front of him but you know usually if you're kind of cutting people off and someone cuts you off i feel like you gotta like understand like we're both kind of being the dicks you know either way it didn't like really fuck with the flow of traffic we both kind of cut in front of a truck that was going slow yeah that's the trick with that by the way i don't go all the way to the front but i just wait until someone's a little slow yeah that's all the time cut it in half it in half, three quarters, that's fine, but I don't do the last at the exit. Yeah, where you're in the

painted zone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I have done that, but I wasn't doing it this time. It was like that. Then we get off the exit, and at the exit you can go right or left. So I'm going right, and this person pulls up alongside the other lane and I don't know what they threw,

but it was like loud and hard and like hit my window and i mean shout out to hyundai that shit was more uh resistant than the fucking elon musk truck yeah like so it must have been something that wasn't like that hard but it felt like uh i don't even know like a fucking like a Like a mug. Like you threw a cup at me or something. Yeah. It went... And it hit... If my window was open, it would hit me right in the face. Holy shit.

It just went like bow and bounced off. And I heard the girl sitting shotgun said, we're going to fucking kill you. Oh, shit. But then they turned. Then I turned. The girl said to you, they're going to fucking kill you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, I think it was a guy driving, and she was shotgun. And I don't know if he threw it or she threw it, because, again, I wasn't really expecting it, and I'm turning right, and all of a sudden I hear, like, bang! And I kind of, like, jump, and I don't realize even what happened. The window didn't break or anything. And I just hear him say, we're going to fucking kill you. But they turned, and I turned, and I was just like, oh, okay. You know? And I had hear him say, we're going to fucking kill you. But they turned and I turned and I was just like, okay.

You know? And I had it broke. I probably am like spinning a U-turn and going after them. That's the one time I think I will like become an idiot is road rage because I don't know what happened. I don't know what the psychology of road rage is, but people become something they're not, you know? I'm glad you bring this up because before you even said that,

I was going to turn into Bradley Cooper in Failure to Launch. When he tells Matthew McConaughey, look, man, you're regularly getting bit by animals that don't bite. Like, do you think maybe something's out of whack with the way you're living your life? This is the second time in the last month someone's thrown something at your car? When was the first time? When someone almost got through a water bottle in your car and a NYPD cop was standing right there, and, like, no one did anything? Yes. But that was a homeless person being a homeless person.

I've been in a lot of cars and Ubers around homeless people. They haven't thrown anything at any of us. I had the green light, man. I was just driving through the intersection, and he just threw it. This is two separate occasions in a month where someone's thrown something at you in a motor vehicle. Listen, an oyster looks like a pussy.

And people are throwing shit in my car. When you're right, you're right. I'm always afraid for homeless people jumping in front of my car. They almost want that to happen, right? I'm sorry for victim blaming, by the way. You are clearly the victim in both of these situations. And I believe that.

I could see a homeless person being like, I'll maybe get some money out of this. They get to go to the hospital. What I'm surprised they don't do is jump in front of buses. Big time. Because then you get the city. If you sue me, I'm going to try to fight it. You get hit by a bus, they're going to be like, we'll settle for 10 grand or some shit.

Here you go. Dude, I was just reading an article. That's why I've always wanted to get hit by a cab or something like that. I think that's the dream. I don know by the way but i would imagine i would imagine that the city has a an amount of money built in for like oh yeah it's all our money yeah it's all our tax money yeah so there's like give that person 25 grand so they go away this article i was just reading uh it's called the harlem park three who were three guys in Baltimore who went to jail for like... The three of them combined

are the longest incarceration for innocent people in the history of America. They were each in jail for 36 years. How much do you think they each got? Not a lot, right? It's got to be over a million each. No, I would say like a million each. It was three million each,

but I was like, you took like 36 years of my life. Well, your good years, too. It's like, okay, great, now I get to live from like 60 to 90? Fuck you. Dude, that's insane. They were in fucking, they're in their 50s now. They were in middle school.

They were like 14. Nah, maybe, they were trying as adults. So maybe it was 16. Between 14 and 16. I would never. I would. I would. You got to give me like $25 million. You got to give me a million a year.

You got to give me $36 million. Maybe more. Maybe more. Yeah. I want $100 million. And I'm like making things stink. In the articles, they're all doing great financially. I guess.

But also, you can't pay taxes. No, that'd be fucked up. If the government takes your money back after you were sent to a government casino. I mean, that is... That's the kind of shit, man. I don't know what... I've thought about that a lot. If I was in the Shawshank situation...

Because it's so funny. Because you'd be like, dude, I know you've heard this all the time, but I seriously didn't do this. I just need you to listen to me. Like, look me in the eye, man. And they've seen that a thousand times. But it's time, but I seriously did not do this. I just need you to listen to me. Like, look me in the eye, man. And they've seen that a thousand times. But it's like,

but I swear to God, I really didn't do it. One of the reasons that these guys' case got heard by like the Innocence, it wasn't the Innocence Project, but it was one of those type deals, was because they'd maintained their innocence the whole time

and they're like, that's just, that doesn't happen. Eventually you just cave, right? Well, these things. How long does it take? Like, the 36 years, like, this guy's been saying this

for 36 years. I guess we should look into it. I've always thought that's crazy when they say, though, like, Pete, you will give a false confession after a while. And I'm like, no, I won't. But it's just like, yes, you do. Like, psychologically, if they're torturing you and shit, they will just break you down to the point where,

or I actually can understand where it's like, you fucked with me so much that I'm like, broken. What I don't understand is the people who are like, wait, maybe I did do it. Like, they fucked with my head so much maybe I, it's like, you know if you murdered someone or not. Well, Hank, 99% sure. What's her name

in Italy? Amanda Knox. Did she, did she like, she said that like, they kind of, the way they asked her questions In a different language They started to make her think That she did do it Like where were you You don't know where you were

Last night like I mean I guess if it's like You were blackout drunk or something But to me it's like I Would pretty I would feel like I would stick to my guns

And be like Nah I didn't murder that person What if you were Trent And you woke up in the Drunk tank In a fucking Yeah well that's what I mean That's different

And they're like You killed someone last night. You'd be like, oh, fuck. Yeah, that would be a great prank, by the way. I don't think I did. That's like your buddy whose dad told him he chopped his balls off. Blew his dick off. Yeah. In this case,

what they did was they convinced other kids. Not even convinced. They just threatened other kids with jail time, being like, this is who you saw. That's what I mean. That kind of shit I understand. But there was, there were times throughout their 36 years where they were up for parole. But in order for parole, you have to show contrition for what you did.

You have to admit it. And they were like, no, we didn't do it. And they're like, just say you're sorry. We'll let you out. Like, I'm not saying sorry. That's cocky. I would be like, I'm sorry. Yeah.

See you later. Right, right, right. If I could get out. Yeah, for sure. That's nuts. Good for those fucking guys. Let's do some M'm sorry. See you later. If I could get out, yeah, for sure. That's nuts. Good for those fucking guys. Let's do some M.O.D. assholes. No, we gotta do some erotic reading.

What does that mean? We're gonna do some what do they call that? Like a read out loud thing. An erotic reading is what we're gonna do. And so in order to get ready for it I want everyone to pop some Roman I want you to get your swipes so you can last a little bit longer

if you're at home right now rub your Roman swipes on your dick and get ready to masturbate a little bit longer cause that's what Roman does for you the Roman swipes help you last like that much longer in bed how long do you think you last in bed? give me an average minutes bro

average minutes? like when let's do this. Minutes? When that girl was making fun of DK Metcalf because he busted in five minutes. Five minutes is just a session of sex. Bro, I could do it in... That's 300 seconds, man. I'm telling you right now, I could do it in 12 seconds. I could go

fast. But I actually sent a tweet on Saturday. Eight seconds. Where it was like I'll go single digits on your ass. Could you... How many pumps do you think you could get it done? Two. Two? If you wanted to let it loose, yeah.

Just... Ah! Just over. Just like... Dude. Then I'm fucking sitting there like... My urge to moan and fucking... Come.

The... Get me off the show hum. Get me off the show already. Get me off the show! On Saturday, I sent a tweet with, like, was it a Mountaineer? It was, I don't know, one of the college football mascots doing push-ups. He was doing really bad push-ups. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh, yeah oh yeah man you really gave her the business me after doing this for exactly

246 or whatever number I made up in my head and like a lot of people were like whoa sick brag again we make fun of ourselves a lot on this it's not like crazy to fuck for two minutes it's like that's that's crazy this could

even make a joke like, oh, sick bride. That's not enough time to have sex. Well, but again. I'm going to be audacious and say it. It's a matter of, like, I feel like I can cum really fast. And I can also not cum. You know, like, I saw the girls from Horrible Decisions did a bit. I think they said the average male thrusts between, I think, 40 and 60 times.

I think that's what sex was. Really? That seems low. Yeah, because I'm thinking like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. If I do that four times, six times, that's over? But you got to think average people. Frankie's like, yeah. Yeah, man.

What do you think the fastest you've ever come is? The other day, I came in like 10 seconds. Yeah, I was going to say. I don't know what happened. I just had a bad performance. 8 to 10 seconds. It was in the morning after. And that's weird, too. Because usually, I mean, I fucked the night before in the morning.

I was just like, well, you know. I also just do not give a fuck though right that like that shit that like that's a that's a young man's game being upset about coming i was just like oh that was funny huh stairs that's a young man's game i also feel like um uh maybe not when you're young i don't know about jackie but like i think i think there's i think there's some level of... I think chicks are flattered by that sometimes. I think there's a situation where it's like, damn, that guy thinks I'm that hot. Yes or no? Yeah.

Yeah, right? I also think that we were talking with Whitney Cummings about it. She was saying if you don't cum fast enough, we think that you're cheating or we think that you're not into us or all that. That's insane. So you get your nut off quick enough and they're like, ooh. All these problems start coming. Just because you come.

Sorry for giving you the business. Sorry for getting Roman on your ass. Sorry I was using a Roman swipe and you didn't know, man. You rub that Roman swipe on and you're going to last that much longer. You can do those extra positions. You can get those extra minutes in. And they've got the pills to get your dick hard,

those swipes to keep it lasting. They've got pills and vitamins to grow your hair, to have healthy skin, all of that. So go to GetRoman.com slash KFC. You can get the first month of swipes for just five bucks when you choose a monthly plan. That's GetRoman.com slash KFC. So there was this dude on Twitter

who basically was blaming, like, politics, right? Well, it's actually going to be easier for someone like you to understand if you spend a lot of time on Reddit. Do you do, like, the front page of Reddit, too? Or just, like, porn? I sometimes think I need to start going... Wait, that... I think I know what the answer is.

It's usually just the porn. But yeah, I'll go... I'll fuck around on the regular side. It's usually just the porn. But yeah, I'll fuck around on the regular side. It's super boring. I just scroll. It's a cute dog. Why is it not getting fucked? You know what I mean?

It's just like. I basically just scroll the front page. And there's a lot. R slash men writing women is a popular subreddit. Which is like guys who tried to write about women. It's almost like their vagina was like a beautiful oyster. That doesn't make any sense, man. Right.

And so this kind of stems from that, I think, where there's an award for most poorly written sex scene in a novel. And so this guy gets really mad about it. He has an op-ed called Men Are Write-Offs When It Comes to Novels. sex scene in a novel. Okay. And so this guy gets really mad about it. He writes, he has a op-ed called Men Are Right Else When It Comes to Novels. He said, even in my own 2005 novel, Winkler was no sooner in print

than winning the Bad Sex Award. Three years of effort, some perfectly decent words in roughly the right order, and all I got was a load of raspberries blown at me by a room full of plummy virgins who'd come from suave and stripper. Who'd only come from suave and strippers. Scorn and mockery, boys.

Scorn and mockery. That's all there is to the novelist's life. So now there's also the excerpt of what was nominated. So I'm expecting to think that this is going to just be like a perfectly normal sex scene. But maybe like, you know, a couple things that like just describing the girl's body parts incorrectly. You know what I mean? Okay.

We're going to have a contest. All three of us are going to read this. Okay. See who doesn't look sexy. Okay. Actually, I know it, so I'm going to go last. We'll have Frankie go first. Okay.

So I have to read this and try and sound sexy? Yeah. Holy fuck. I'm never sexy. Oh, shit. Read it to yourself in your head first, because it's so bad that... No, no, you read out loud.

I mean, there's not even, like, punctuation. This is tough. Oh, yeah. Shit. I don't even know if I can start this. Start crying and laughing. I don't know how to sound sexy and he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth

what and her dick rattled on her teeth and he plucked out he plucked out and she took his dick took her dick out of her mouth and lifted herself lifted herself from his face

and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and gagged for air and glugged at the air and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and shot out of him straight in the eye straight in the eye and stung like nothing I can't read this

I'm crying I'm crying dude and he yelled with the pain but the yell couldn't have been anything and she grabbed at his dick which was leaping around like a shower dropped in it like a shower dropped in an empty bath.

She scratches back deeply with the nails of both hands, and he shot three more times and thick stripes on her chest like sorrow. I mean, I'm crying. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Dude, that was worse than I remember. My God, Winkler. What does that even mean, Winkler?

That's one of the funniest things I've ever read. And then he blacked out. What about the teeth? I don't think that one got far. The teeth. Dude, so why was he rattling in his teeth? His dick is like a fucking snake in a Pringles can. It's jumping all over! Dude, when I was...

I have come so many times in my life, my dick has never jumped anywhere. Well, it does the one little... Also, how many times... It does like a hut. Hut! Hut! And that's it. Then it's done. There's no more jumping. When I was like skimming through it to see what I was about to read,

I saw teeth and blackout, and that's where it just... I couldn't get past it. Then it's done. There's no more jumping. When I was skimming through it to see what I was about to read, I saw teeth and black out, and that's where I couldn't get past it. How does this guy cum so many times so fast? And he came hard in her mouth, and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth as he blacked out. She took his dick out of her mouth, lifted herself from his face, whipped the pillow around, and he gasped, and he glugged at the air, Frank. He glugged at the air, Frankie! He glugged at the air! He came

again so hard his dick wrenched out of her hand. Shot of it. Shot? Shot of it? And a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing had ever stung in the air. He yelled with pain. He moaned like Frankie moans. But the yell

could have been anything. As she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath. She scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands. And he shot three more times. And the thick stripes of her chest, like so hard. What is that even? I don't know what any of these references are. These are all straight up sandbags.

Yeah. These are. Bro, this is named sandbags. Yeah. These are. Bro, this is named Giles Corrin. Giles Corrin. That guy is never fucked. Bro, you should fuck somebody before writing about fucking. You should not be a virgin, dude. Goodness gracious.

Oh, we're going Antonio Banderas And his dick jumped around and rattled her teeth And he blacked out And she took his dick out of her mouth And lifted herself from his face And whipped that pillow away And he gasped and gloved at the end And he came again so hard

That his dick wrenched out of her hand And shouted And it shaped him straight in the eye And he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and shouted. Oh, it hit him straight in the eye, and he stung. Oh, it stung like nothing. He'd never been in there. And he yelled with a pain, but the yell could not have been anything. And she glared at his dick, just leaping around like... With just leaping around like a shower dropping in an empty bath. What?

Wait, let's stop. What does that mean? What does that line mean? It left around like a shower dropping in an empty bath. Is this converted from another language? No, it's British, I think. It feels that way. Bro, this motherfucker is British.

That dude looks like a guy on a Harry Potter. This guy sucks. He fucks like a British person. Like, think about all the porn you've ever watched. You're not really hearing English accents ever. You know what I mean? British people can't fuck. Except that dude Danny D with the biggest fucking cock in the world.

Yeah, he's got a fucking hammer. Oh, my God. But anyway, that's it. That was pretty damn good I was good I'm happy to be the worst of the bunch on that one but that that's what I heard a Zorro reference I didn't read any of it

fight over a clutched his chest and then wiped his face yeah you guys didn't come am I the assholes we got them yeah boys girls will let you get out here for me am I the asshole today is brought to you? Yeah. And then we'll do some voice calls. We'll let you get out of here, Frankie. Am I the asshole? Today is brought to you by Shady Rays. You want to get some sunglasses? Get some Shady Rays because not only are you going to get the sunglasses,

you're also going to help a good cause. Let me tell you the three reasons why you should get your Shady Rays sunglasses. They're high-quality shades for far less than the expensive brands. One. Number two, they have one of the best warranties in the game. They will replace any lost or broken sunglasses with a lifetime craftsmanship warranty. And number three.

What's the third? You get 10 meals will be donated to Fight Hunger in America. That should be numero uno. That's pretty tough. Because me, I'm a nice guy. So I like number three. You're a natural uno. That's pretty tough. Because me, I'm a nice guy. So I like number three. You're a natural hero. The craftsmanship, the guarantee, that's all

fantastic. But the homeless people. That's what I care about. You could either buy sunglasses and let people starve to death or you could buy sunglasses and save starving people. It's up to you. It's your business. No brainer. It's up to you, pal. I know what I'm picking. Shady Rays. They start at just $48.

I've bought Shady Rays before. When you put the promo code in, it's KFC. It's 50% off, so you're doing a little BOGO, a little buy one, get one. When you put in two pairs and it says 48 plus 48, and there's a tax and this and that, and it says $112, and then you put in the promo code and it just drops down to $50, it's fucking amazing. It's just, it's like,

watching that transformation happen, you're going to get two pairs for the price of one. Is this all money you're saving for Scrooge McDuck? Oh, God, I'm rich now. This is beautiful. It feels like a shower pouring in a bath. Let me tell you, I started glugging at the air when I saw this deal.

My teeth were rattling. That's how I feel when I see the discount on Shady Rays. ShadyRays.com promo code KFC $50 for two pairs or more. ShadyRays.com promo code KFC. Alright. This is where we play the game where pretty much

everyone's always an asshole. Am I the asshole i made my wife go back to work by lying about quitting my job as well my wife didn't like her job i was telling her to look for a new job while she was still in her current company she wanted to take a break from work but we cannot afford it right now due to our accidental conception she's three months pregnant so i think it's rude to say that? If I ever get someone pregnant, it's an accident. So I'm not going to be like, yeah, we're so happy. I'm like, yeah, it was a mistake.

No, I... Wait, to who? Who are we talking to? Who are you talking to when you say this? Just in public? John Feilerberg on this show. Talking about this show? I'm not going to pretend. I feel like Kate is very open about it was not a planned thing. I think that's the way you say it. I can still love the kid yeah no like I feel like Kate is very open about like it was not a planned thing

yeah yeah yeah I think that's what you say I can still love the kid and be like that wasn't intentional I don't think you say you can't say mistake accidents even tough

we'll call it oopsie I think if you yeah oopsie baby or say you know we didn't plan it is that a phrase or did you just make that up oopsie baby

yeah that's a phrase oopsie baby oopsie baby that's a good one I like that that's a good one I made her that. That's a good one. I made her resume and I applied for, I applied her for a few interviews.

However, she didn't attend any of them saying she doesn't feel like it. She said she wants to be a stay at home mom. I told her we weren't even planning for this pregnancy and now we can't afford for her to become unemployed as well. She didn't listen and just quit her job without consulting me. I was super mad at her. I told her I don't want to bust my ass while she relaxes at home. She cried and said that she doesn't want to work anymore. So I told her I'd be quitting my job as well

and then we could both stay jobless and homeless with our child. I pretended to quit the job in front of her by sending an angry email to my boss, but instead sent it to my friend. She was shocked and asked me why I do such a thing. I told her tough luck and went to sleep. The next morning onwards, she got ready for an interview

and started to attend interviews. I called my work and took a break of one week. Today, my wife got a job and she gave me the news at night while we were having dinner. I then told her the truth about my not quitting the job and about it being a way to make her go back to work. She got mad at me, told me I was very petty, and I should have just sucked it up and let her stay at home.

Now she's not talking to me. This is an interesting one. This is. Okay, so I kind of blacked out for the first part of it. This man is brilliant. How long has she been out of work? Not long. I think it was like.

And she is pregnant or she has had the baby? She's three months pregnant. Okay. She wants to quit and be a stay-at-home mom. But she's only three months pregnant. She's not three months post-birth. Three months pregnant. Correct.

Barely even showing. Not even telling the family. You're barely telling people. Yeah. You haven't even put up your Instagram post yet. So she is like, I'm going to quit and stay at home. He goes, okay, well, I quit too. Now we have no income.

So she gets back out there and starts applying to places. So I would imagine she, he took one week off. So it's probably about a week or two of her not working. I think this is, I think postpartum, you're probably an asshole. Yeah. Three months pregnant? Girl, go work out in those fields. Bend over.

Run that back. I think this guy is brilliant. I think he's just an idiot for telling her. This plan worked to perfection. Yeah, but you got to. Oh, no, but then he's got to go back to his job. He's gotta go back to work, right. So he can get another job if you wanna keep the lie going, but I think...

I also think he's gotta... I went back and I groveled and I got back. Right. I got my job, whatever. There's better ways out of this than to admit that you completely manipulated her. I think if you're fucking... You are the asshole.

If I'm the girl, I'm like, well, we have to raise this kid together, but otherwise i would dump the fuck out of you all right this relationship so that's a wild betrayal to lie about that i don't think so it is it's encouragement it's not it is it's inspiration no no no no it's fine okay fine with this it's a look into a crystal ball yeah it's like it's scaring it's a scare tactic it's sure and sometimes it can be successful. Yes, but it's not encouragement.

If someone did it to me, I would be like, well played. You know what it is? It's like the way Dave manages people. It's effective. You'll get the job done, but it will fucking scar you and ruin you. That's kind of what happened here. It's like, listen, you got the job. We're good.

But in order to do it, I had to fuck with you mentally and emotionally. Oh, I see. I can picture myself telling this story. Like, we're at dinner. We're drinking wine. Now we're both employed. We're living lavishly. And champagne, in fact.

Champagne. We're both having a nice steak dinner. Oysters. And I'm like, you know how we are both a board of this? You're going to love this. I fucking sent that email to Steve, and I didn't, I just fucking sat on the couch for a week,

had Oreos, and then. What a week off for that guy. Yeah, and then like, and like, I would picture her being like, ha ha,

you fucking got me, John. That's how you picture it, huh? That is, you got it. You picture your wife doing the old, ha,

and then, and then clink, look at us. Our 401ks are looking great because of you. Knife to the neck, really, in reality. That is one of the most manipulative things of all time. But she's also the asshole for being like, I just want to be a stay-at-home mom when that's not financially in the cards.

If he knows the numbers. It also goes without a mom. If they know the numbers and that they can't live life without two incomes, he absolutely did the right thing because you have to just push your significant other or whoever he considers her. It's not a wife, right? Yeah, yeah. So whatever.

You have to push her to do something. He did say wife, sorry. Okay, so he has to push her because he probably knows we are not surviving without two jobs and she refuses to do this. I have to go to this crazy length. I got a job I can quit over email with one email. I'm not bringing it in time.

It sounds like you send an email to quit like Jimmy John's. What I think you can do, I think you could be like, okay, cool. The next day you show up with applications for a new apartment that's half the size. I'd be like, okay.

I'm bringing the car in today. I going to trade it in for like a little two door piece of shit and like all those presents I bought you for Christmas we gotta return all that and then you scare them in that one I'm dealing with this right now we were looking at a house that has congratulations by the way

oh is it out there? yeah it is Frankie's engaged We were looking at a house that has... Congratulations, by the way. Thank you very much. Oh, is it out there? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is. I put it on Instagram. Oh, okay. Frankie's engaged. Congratulations. I would have let off with that.

I didn't know if it was public or not. Anyway, we're looking for a house. I'm trying... I'm not mansplaining, but I'm trying to explain. Oh, we know how Frankie mansplains. When your team loses, you don't be like, I want to become a Red Sox fan. We're just saying, like, they're in a better spot than us.

Do you get that? Oh, do I get that? Oh, no. Are you mansplaining? Did we just say that? Did we just say that? Did we just say that? Did we just say that?

That's not mansplaining. That's not mansplaining. That's not mansplaining. That's not mansplaining. That's not mansplaining. No, dude. The idea that... Frankie talks.

He mansplains. This house that we really like and we put an offer in on has a fucking garage that that was converted into a two-bedroom apartment there's rent that's going to be paid right so like so whatever you offer on the house it's not actually that number because you're going to be getting an income from the garage so i'm putting out all these numbers and she's like doesn't she wasn't grasping that that's not the price of the house right i'm like trying to explain like no when you think about it, that income coming from that garage is basically like its own loan coming towards you.

You know what I mean? Right. So like, let's say the house is like $2,000. Right. It comes to 10,000. That's what I want to say. So I'm like, let's say the house is $850,000. Like that's the offer.

It's actually $500,000 if you really think about it. And she's like, but where's $850,000 coming from? I'm like, I'm going to go downstairs. I'm going to get a gun. I'm going to shoot myself in the head right now. But she's not wrong if you've got to pay that money to get the house.

Totally. Right. But it's technically not that number because each month you're minused by the rent. But as far as like a down payment and certain things like that,

the $850,000. Yes, it is. But I felt like this guy where it's like, I have to almost like trigger and be like, you know what, it's actually $500,000.

It's actually $400,000. Even though at the end of the day it's like, it really is but it's not dude that's where there's a lot of shit that i one of the things i really like uh hope it's not too late but i i remember being like uh getting the ring and getting married was a a thing that i needed to get used to homeowning together nightmare was real, like that was a big problem that led to a lot of the issues where it was like, we did not see eye to eye on a lot of things in that department

and when you own a house and shit goes inherently, actually you guys are probably good because you're both from Long Island, right? Like if you both live in different places, someone's gonna lose that battle. I can't imagine losing a battle with something that big. Yes, honestly, in hindsight I should have moved where she Someone's going to lose that battle. I can't imagine losing a battle with something that big. Yes. Honestly.

Because right now we're battling about things we want. I should have moved where she wanted, and I would have just had to deal with that. Because every time something was wrong, it was like, well, I don't even want to fucking be here. And it was just like, it was worse than the jump. It's such a big moment that you have to be on the same page about it. Well, mine made so much more sense because I was like, if we're near my family, my family can help more with our kids than your family because your family works. But that, nope, did not translate. And it was like losing that battle is almost worth it. But, yeah, but like when you have to fix things and things get broken and things go wrong and things like it's – and of course it is because it's like your whole life you're just like dicking around, right?

Now all of a sudden you're going to buy something that's $850,000. But it's actually not, it's actually $410,000 when you take it. It's actually not that money. It's not. You keep beeping it. So who's the asshole, final answer? She is. She is.

I think they all are. Everyone's the asshole. I think he's a fucking... It's the guy... It's fucking Jack Nicholson in... What is it? Men of Honor? It's like, you need me. If that guy wasn't running

the finances of the household, if I'm ever in a marriage, I'm not going to be that guy. So she's going to need to be that guy who fucking runs the finances. Like, look, we need both of these salaries. This is what you need to make. Someone's got to keep the fucking finances

of the house in line. One person spends wildly. One person keeps shit in order. I'm the spend wildly person. I'm just looking for another asshole. Man, you made the same noise there, Zach. Same time. Fucking weird.

Both went... That was fucking nuts. Sounded like it echoed. All right, how about this one? This one was submitted from a listener. Am I the asshole for asking a guy I dated for my money back? Two years ago, I went on a couple dates with a guy. He worked for a company that gave him early access

and discounted tickets for Taylor Swift's Lover Fest. That person is an asshole. That guy's an asshole. Story's over. Story's over. This guy sucks. As soon as he said he was quote, surprised they killed Batman's parents in the Joker, I saw the light and his flaws, including being upset that

I was not texting him enough, despite the fact that I had gotten in a car accident and was suffering from a concussion. I know he was really hurt and rejected. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said no, but I knew we weren't right for each other, and he was looking for a girlfriend. Fast forward to the pandemic, ultimately canceling Lover's Fest. The money was all refunded since he's the one who originally bought the tickets.

He was refunded but has completely ignored me when I've asked for my money back. It's like $2,000000 and I owe the other people. Am I the asshole for rejecting him and not talking to him for almost two years but expecting to get my money back when the concert gets canceled? Too long didn't read. A guy I dated bought me ticket concerts that I paid him for. COVID canceled the concert and I want my money back. All right.

So he's obviously the asshole. Right. Right? I mean. But I feel like it was a little sneaky dropping that movie line in there. Because there might be more of a debate to be had. There's not a debate to be had. It's Hermione and all that, but like...

Wait, there's a debate to be had about Batman? No, no. Or just not knowing the movie references? Not knowing the movie references. That was immediately like, fuck this guy, he sucks. Oh, so she tainted the waters on this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If this could have been about anything, she just dropped it in there.

I fucking hate this guy. She knew what she was doing. Oh, oh. She knew what she was doing. Spider-Man. Who is that? I haven't seen that movie. I've been a little busy.

Fuck you, dude. Could you imagine watching any Batman movie and someone being like, oh, my God, his parents died? Yeah. That's how every Batman has always started. What an interesting adaptation that one is. You see the pearls fly. I think, I mean, if you buy tickets and the movie, like that guy

just made $2,000. He's the asshole no matter what. But that is poisoning the well. He doesn't watch movies and he doesn't understand references. Fuck the guy! You son of a bitch! That's how you operate in society. What would you do, though, if you're sending,

like, you text this guy, he's not answering. You send him another message, you're not answering. You're increasingly being like, hey, man, I know that we didn't work out, but I kind of need my money back. Because eventually, if you're like, fuck you, dude, where's my money? Then he's definitely not going to answer.

Yeah, I mean, this guy's such an asshole, I would go to the authorities. Right? I would go to, like, people's court. Right. Yes, I want to defeat him. Yes, I want him to cry that he has to hand me the money back. What, like, if it

was my ticket, I would, I think we all know what I would do. Just be like, whatever, yeah. I would even be like, yo, I understand it's $2,000, maybe he had spent some cash, like, we can get on, like, a payment plan here or whatever. You know what I mean? How many tickets did he buy?

I don't know. She said it was $2,000 total. Yeah, that's a lot. I mean, Taylor, I was obviously going to go to Loverfest as well. But the. I feel like if, aren't Taylor, I mean, if you get, like, front row tickets, isn't that, like, a lot? Oh, it's crazy. Yeah, yeah.

But, like, but you can, I mean, any concert, if he's getting through work and he's getting a deal on him, like, I assume he's got an in and he's getting him at face value. I bet you he did that, too. I bet you he fucking got, he probably got these tickets for free, still took the money from her, then got the defense. This guy sucks. Yeah. This guy sucks. Voicemails today are brought to you by Sling TV.

We've switched over to video voicemail because watching the podcast is the superior way to enjoy podcasts i understand not everyone could do it you want to do it at work you want to do it on commute you don't have to do it i'm just saying if you have the ability at night to pop on uh the podcast it's a better way to do it just like when you're watching sling tv you get access to all your live sports live news you get access to a barstool Sports Channel 24-7. The dozen, oh my God, my dozen matchup this week. One of the greatest competitions of all time.

Really? We were down 10-5. Holy shit. With five questions left, and we won. Holy shit. We ran the table and stole, and we won 11-10. We were playing Uptown Balls. Smitty Tommy. Oh, that had to have killed Tommy.

Dying. Oh. And it was funny because Balls keeps doing Friends as his niche. I saw he went 0 for 2. Oh, and they were, I didn't know the answer, but it was this cosmetic device tipped off Joey that Chandler and Monica were dating. Now, I don't know that, but if you're a Friends expert, the episode where two of the main characters get outed as dating, that's like a huge moment.

Huge. Eyelash curler. Eyelash curler, yeah, I mean, right? Like, if you know Friends, I didn't know it, but I'm like, you gotta know. I haven't watched in a while, that's... And you know it, yeah. So, he gets that wrong, then baseball comes up, Tommy wanted to double baseball, they didn't do it, and at the end they

were all yelling we should have doubled baseball it was my god and the best part was for this the best i loved it personally because i i had my best dozen game ever and then we had a big comeback so i haven't you know i i gotta thank jeff d lowe in the dozen because there's no you know we do stool streams and shit but a trivia i'm like better at you know, using my brain, it felt great to compete and win something. So the final category, though, was snacks. And I'm like, alright, I'm in pretty good shape here.

The first question was, Kellogg's has this popular soft-baked breakfast bar. Either of you. Soft-baked breakfast bar. So I'm thinking like kind bars and granola bars

so I get that with like five seconds to go same thing you did though like oh so five seconds to go we get it

the next question goes to them what is the name of Nabisco's graham crackers brand or whatever I think I have

dementia it's not but you're close I have dementia. It's not, but you're close. I have dementia. I do. Full blown. I can't remember anything. I know nothing. I'm with you when I... No, dude, you're not with me at all. I know nothing.

Because I felt this way, like, this was the only time I've ever really been good at an episode of The Dozen. Especially when they do these sports questions that are like this big 10 quarterback from like 1997 who was a backup like and they're just like bam I mean I got no shot no and I feel like these questions are either like they're almost like memory it's not like you can really like think your way through it you either know it or you don't and I'm always like you know Rudy will be like yeah KFC like you got anything here I'm'm like, oh, no, I'm checked out.

I literally can't compete. I can't contribute because I just do the nobody don't. But it was – That's a good feeling. I just – I got fat a while ago and I was making homemade s'mores. I was just at home just making my own s'mores. And they're called Honeymade. Honeymade. And I knew it.

And they're answering first and they're saying Teddy Grahams, Animal Crackers, all this dumb shit, and I'm sitting here being like, I'm about to walk off a huge upset comeback win, not upset, but a comeback win with Honeymaid. Like, oh my God, it was amazing, it was incredible. Anyway, Sling TV has the Barstool Sports Channel 24-7, it has all the live sports. You can watch all this sort of shit that I'm talking about here.

And your first month is only $10 when you go to sling.com slash Barstool. After that, just $35 a month. It's sling.com slash Barstool for your first month for just $10. Video voicemails. Let's see some of these idiots and their beautiful faces. What do we got all right what's going on kfc uh fights everybody behind the camera so i was listening to last week's episode where by curious suicidal skyler was talking about how when a guy or gay guy compliments you it means

way more than if a straight girl does uh and it reminded me of a time when i was at a bar and this guy came up to me and he started hitting on me and he bought me a drink and we just started chatting a little bit and at at the end of it he had bought me like three four drinks oh come on and i finally decided to tell him that i was straight and i felt really guilty about kind of leading him on just to get free drinks and then i realized wait girls do this Yep. Yep. Here's the difference, because he's not wrong, but there is like a glimmer of hope in the guy's mind when you are just assuming a normal heterosexual situation. If a guy is coming up to a guy buying drinks, when anybody buys a drink, it's obviously like in order to try to like hook up. Yeah, if you say, hey, let me get you a drink.

If we're just talking, I'm like, hey, let me get you a drink. If we're just talking, I'll be like, oh, you need something? That's different. If you buy a guy three or four rounds. I'll do that. I'd do that. Because you're gay. I wouldn't do it to a stranger.

Because I drink. I just drink fast. And I always end up buying. If I go out with four people, I will buy drinks. I'll drive 90% of the drinks. Because you're ready for another one. Oh, yeah. It's also different when you're in a crowd, though this guy got approached down yeah three or four drinks and like you're saying he knew the whole time it's impossible there's literally no chance like a girl as much as she's definitely using you to just get the drinks and

she knows it it's like 99.9 But she can trick herself and be like, I don't know, maybe a couple drinks in, I'll want to. Or maybe he'll get better. Or maybe he'll be more funny or whatever. This is like, there's no attraction here. But also, that guy, I feel like gay guys have got to have better gaydar in the sense of like, I feel like I would be rude.

Of course, you're the gay guy. You're the fucking, why else are you here like like i i think it's rude to put me in a position but like assuming this wasn't at a gay bar right right gay bar then this dude's completely in the wrong totally then you're you're the asshole yeah but like i would never assume yeah. But like, I would never assume... Yeah, no. I would never assume... You're not looking at that guy being like, that was mean!

That guy looks straight as fuck. I don't know. That's a pretty shitty... He's got some thick-ass lips, dude. He does have some thick-ass lips. That guy buys me a couple drinks. I might fuck him. I was going to say, bro.

I was going to say, like, I'm. You buy me five drinks. I'm going to maybe. Maybe what? I don't know. I think being frank, you're going to say, I wouldn't understand what was happening until I was sucking that dude's throat.

I'd be like. How'd this happen? Mike's got a mouth full of cock. He's like, well, he bought me that. Mike walks out with three fucking C's. What just happened to me? This guy's very forthcoming. Yeah, but also he says, like, I didn't tell him until three or four drinks. Like, it seemed like he knew that was, like, he was gay.

Right, but what's fucked up is to make me say to you, hey, listen, man, I'm not straight. That sounds like, oh, I'm not gay. That sounds very presumptuous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then if it was me, I'd be like, oh, like, what? Somebody, like, everyone wants to fuck you, dude. You know what I mean?

Yeah, right. Because we're just having a nice conversation, man. That's like, I would be so afraid of either being offensive and him being like, yeah, I'm not gay either. Right, right. Or like, yeah, I would never fuck you, you fucking ugly shit. Or like having someone think I was being mean. I always, I go out of my way to not be mean

because I don't want to accidentally be an inspiration story. Like, I don't want one day, an inspiration story. I don't want one day someone to be telling a story and be like, there was one time this guy was kind of rude to me in a bar and I decided that day that I would stand for something different. I don't ever want to be that guy. You know like that viral

to the girl, be like, in fifth grade a boy told me girls can't be astronauts. And that's why I decided I'd be an astronaut. I'm never telling anyone fucking anything because I'm not inspiring you to do shit. I'm not going to be the villain in a biopic.

Okay? But, so I'd just be like, yeah, I would be gay and I'd fuck him. And then, anyway,

I'd just fuck this guy. I would not be I'm not like he's that was amazing that was great also it's pretty hard to be like

if someone's like hey can I buy you a drink and you just respond nah I'm straight yeah like this what this is either

like he's not he must have been in maybe not a gay bar but maybe like gay part of town like gay neighborhood or like or like looking around.

Yeah, you know those queers up there. He was in Boston in 1983. Come on, was there a rainbow flag on the fucking wall or some shit? This sounds... This does not really happen. You know what I mean, right?

For sure not, never. I would never go up to someone in a straight bar and be like, yeah. Be like, oh, I wonder if he's gay. Unless they were like, I don't know, they had painted nails and wore an earring. And I'd be like, that guy's probably a quitter. How many times have you ever had in a straight bar? Like sometimes you see it in a movie or I'm watching, there's a new show on Apple, Invasion. Are you watching that?

No. But I was just thinking, I just thought so. But there's a scene where this girl she's dating another girl. They break up or she's gone. She goes to a bar and she's making eyes with a girl across the club. And it's like they both know they're gay. Yeah, see that's for sure a thing.

That is a you know when someone's giving you gay eyes. Oh yeah, it's telepathy. We're good at that. But that's what I mean. All gay guys are twins. I think I had locked eyes with a dude, and, like, I couldn't stop looking at him. Well, you're kind of gay, Frank.

No, but, like, I think I've gotten caught in those eyes things where I'm like, why is this guy looking at me? And I'm looking at him. That's happened to me before where I'm like, Yeah. That guy wanted to fuck you. Like, no matter where I looked in the office, I kept staring at him.

Not in the office, fuck. Yeah! Jesus Christ. Right in his lip. I'm looking around in office, I kept staring at him. Not in the office, fuck. Ah! Jesus Christ. Right in his lip. I'm looking around in office, that's what I said. So, it's definitely happened to me before, though. I'm like, dude, I'm looking at this guy way too much. But he's looking at you.

But, like, I know, but I was, like, feeding into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's happened. I never heard that before. Yes, I would say, yeah, no, I mean, I would, yeah. But also, I would say, if this dude, I mean, if this kid seems like he's in college, like college could be a thing, I feel like. Yeah. Because like we only had like a couple bars.

And so like the thing was obviously I knew like all the other gay people were. But it's like you could probably try. And who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this guy does give off like crazy gay vibes. Like maybe that dude was like, you're not. Like we all, everybody in the gay stable over here thought you were. Like, I don't know,

but it seems on, like, three or four drinks, even after the second drink, I'd be like, even if you thought initially, by the time you're having a conversation, three or four drinks in,

and he's talking about, like, his fantasy team or some shit, you're like, this guy, he's a straight fucking loser. You know? We got a fantasy team. It's named Bishop Sycamore.

You're gonna love it. Look at our fantasy team. It's a Bishop Sycamore. You're going to love it. All right, next up. Good job from the gay guy. Yeah, thanks. Hey, what's up? It's the Cracker Kid from Tuesday's episode. First of all, I'm obviously a Cracker Kid. I'm a kid that jerks off in the shower searching for validation for the habits which I'm ashamed of.

Wait, hang on. Start over. Let's get started too fast. I will continue to do it now. He's just recapping that he's the kid that jerks off in the shower. I had just jerked off, so naturally the first thing I go to do after is pee, because if you're not peeing immediately after you jerk off to clean out the pipes, I don't know what you're doing.

I walk into the bathroom, and at the same time, in a stall nearby, walks in another kid on my floor, u.s army veteran true man's man so naturally is an immediate uh niagara situation coming from his stall uh comfortably a stronger stream than anything i'd ever mustered up in my entire life truly an impressive feat and things were taking a little while for the wheels to get turning over on my end and so i went into fight or flight as he was finishing up business in his side of the bathroom.

And I decided to turn around, pull my pants down, and pretend to be pooping that whole time so he wouldn't see me as blessing a man for not being able to pee when I want. Is that the most pathetic thing you've ever heard? Now, for context, the last episode,

he filmed just peanut butter crackers. He doesn't want to put his face on. He's officially the Cracker Kid. Cracker Kid is my new favorite person. Cracker Kid will love it. I want to see how many types of crackers he can go through. Like, we're going to, you know,

episode, like, 25. Yeah, don't come in this house with fucking chips. Yeah, no, crackers only. Cracker Kid with crackers. I don't want to see no cookies, no Fig Newtons, no chips. I want crackers.

Honeymaid. Honeymaid. Handmaid. What the fuck is that? A Netflix show? Handmaid's Tale up in this bitch., no chips. I want crackers. Honeymaid. Honeymaid. Handmaid. What the fuck is that? A Netflix show? Handmaid sale up in this bitch. See, I have dementia. I don't know what he's talking about.

You don't have to pee every time you fucking work off. Yeah, I think he has a pussy. Yeah, that's what... Girls have to do that to flush out the bacteria. We probably should, but we don't have to. The problem with not peeing right away after is that maybe you're in a public setting where then you're peeing.

Not just dripping, it just comes out the sides. Mine is a snake tongue. A little drag on the end. One time I did that recently. I think I got a triple stream and it felt like I was passing a kidney stone. I always feel weird like I'm going to pee on the dude's shoe next to me. Think about that.

Imagine you're fucking out of urinal. What are you guys fucking? Your dicks are Moses? When there's a little bit of cum in your dick. No, I know what you're talking about. But like, I don't. Dude, all right, this is weird. So when I was a kid, I remember watching me, myself, and Irene.

Oh, Jesus Christ. With my friend's dad. You watched a movie with your friend's dad? I mean, like, I'm sure my friend was there or something like that. Did you guys cuddle? Did you with your friend's dad I mean like I'm sure my friend was there or something like that you guys cuddle did you fuck your friend's dad yeah yeah

I was gonna say if fucking rude you got molested like if I'm ever watching a movie with Keegan's friends fucking arrest me but he was

we were watching Me, Myself, and I'm Reign and there is a scene where Arrest me. But we were watching Me, Myself, and I Reign. And there is this scene where Gary, he goes to piss, right? After he, like, fucks. He wakes up in the morning and pisses. And the piss is going everywhere. He's in a motel or a motel.

And he gets wrapped up in the shower curtain. And I was like, what's this all about and he's like that's what happens to your penis and I mean this is the fifth time you've been sexually molested

on the show five no I'm not exaggerating this is the fifth time he's told a story about being a child and having something inappropriate

sexually happen to him and he was just like when you get older you'll get this like that's what happens you dick you fucking piss everywhere once you fuck people I was like all right man

it's crazy i think i have to mention too from this motherfucker and his stories it's crazy you don't understand what we're talking about like no okay so anyway so i think because that's what was ingrained to me as a child as like what your dick does you think he would get it which was no but like it's just such an extreme example where I was like

that's what happens to men's penises where it's like yeah sometimes I have a little bit of like an offshoot but like I'm never fucking falling into a shower

I'm never like worried about pissing on someone else in the room I've gone outside I've missed the toilet big time what? oh yeah

because dude it's like I mean, dude, it's like, I mean, think about it. It's like fucking having a hose and then you put something in the middle of the hose, it goes out both sides. Sorry you got a weak little stream, man. It's like, uh... Dude, I've pissed before where it's gone on the fucking curtain. You could hear it. Yes, yes, yes. Oh!

But, like, I could... That's exactly it. It wasn't that clean, that one. That was really, like, unbelievably messy. That was like, that was, like, borderline sexual. Give me some water. I'll't that clean, that one. That was really unbelievably messy. That was borderline sexual. Give me some water. I'll show you how it's done. Imagine doing that and then going on the guy next to his leg. That's a nightmare.

But I don't think it goes... I did a point. Let's see Kevin's. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You got it at the end there. You fucking trolled it down your chest like you were sucking dick. I mean, that happens with your dick, man. That happens with your dick.

Yeah, no, again, I've had it happen like a little bit, but I've just never been like, oh, shit, I might hit that guy around the corner. It's happened to me, and then you've got to push a little harder, and it clears it out. Yeah. Or you know what the worst is? Break it to a wall or some shit. You know what the worst is?

If you've got a little bit on your tip, and then that is like touching like the fabric of your boxers, and you almost get some lint on it. Oh, I've picked off lint before. Because then it becomes a mixture of lint and cum, and that's like cement. That's like you're cementing your whole shot. That's how they made the Great Wall of China.

There's a bunch of lint and cum in a billboard. They're laying the bricks down. You try to pee with some cement in your tip, and it might back up. It might shoot back. You might not break through that thing. Frankie, let me tell you, you bring out the worst in us. You're awful, but you bring out the worst in us, too. Don't worry, you're not alone.

But to answer this kid's question, I love this kid. I really like him. He kind of reminds me of Spider a little bit, his tone. He's got some swagger, too. Yeah, where he's like, future U.S. Army, but just gassing up dudes with good pit streams. Which I get. When I'm taking a piss, I'm like, I'm trying to fucking hit a stream. He says he could hit that chair.

Oh, he forget about this. What? He says he could piss from here. The chair was closer. The chair was more where the camera is. No, it was not. More where the camera is. Fine.

That's like, fine. I'll give you that. No. No. No. You're old. Your'll give you that. No. No. No. You're old. Your prostate's getting shitty. You're done.

My prostate's tight. I went into the bathroom back here, and I stood three tiles away, which I thought was pretty impressive. It was probably like three or four feet almost, and I could do that. Look, I'm not hitting it. And that's like three times what I did no fucking shot

it's not a Vlad Guerrero it's not a Yolanda Cespedes but it's a fucking it's a moonshot like it's fucking you got you got some I have to arc it

like nah I mean it's far I'm like I'm not saying I hit it that is so far it's far no way but I said

in my no I understand this probably goes against my argument if I went in front of the table I'd definitely hit it that's what I'm thinking here is it's a long shot It's far. No way. I understand this probably goes against my argument. If I went in front of the table, I'd definitely hit it. That's what I'm thinking here. It's a long shot.

That's a lot of addition here. I don't think you'd do any of it. Do this out in the forest. I know. I was going to say, fucking prove it. You know what else is going to happen? 80,000 subscribers, triathlon time. Yeah. We officially hit 80K.

Fuck yeah. Jackie and Nick and Mike have to do a have to do swimming freestyle rapping and a Google competition so I will take care of the pool

we will find like a YMC actually if any of you out there can somehow assist with us getting a pool unfortunately this was a summer idea nope

that's the best part of it you might die that's why we you know that's where the real excitement comes in. So we will figure out a pool. Is it a race or is it a...

Time, right? Yeah, they both just have to complete a lap. Is the lap there back or just there? Just there, because neither of them can swim. So I don't want to rescue them there. I say we do there and back and we rescue them if we have to. I'd rather there be some danger here. I'm not going to let you guys drown. But I would we have to. Yeah. I'd rather there be some danger here. How could it...

I'm not gonna let you guys drown. Yeah. But I would like to see you struggle. I could... Mike at least can like... Survive. Stay... Like get around.

Yeah, Mike... I mean, is it possible for an adult to drown in a five foot pool? Bro, he lives... He's from Long Island. He's from Long Island and he can't swim.

That's crazy. That is insane. I mean, you're missing the part where I fell Oh yeah, he almost died, right? Died, yeah. Yeah, what happened? I fell into a pool and I was like three, drowned, and then I just

never got back in, but after... That's not dramatic. Sorry. Bro, like, I'm thinking about if Keegan almost drowned and, like, to the point where you, like... They had no breath. Yeah, okay. Mike died. I mean, like, I don't

remember, but I just never went back in the pool, and that's why. Your parents probably never wanted you in again and all that shit. That I understand. If you need to be resuscitated from death, that's different. Jackie, what's your excuse for sucking at swimming?

And being from California. Yeah. I just... My parents just never... It's their fault. They didn't put me in swim lessons Yeah I mean that is bad So that's like

I didn't have a say If I had a say in it I would teach myself how to swim But I didn't have a say in it So it's not my fault So why don't we do another thing Where we teach how to swim Like we'll do the triathlon

But we'll also do like Jackie learns how to swim No Because that's super embarrassing Why? Because Put floaties on you Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah we'll put you in a little inner tube I'm not gonna like We'll get you goggles And some flippers As a 22 year old I'm not gonna be putting floaties What I. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll put you in a little inner tube. We'll get you goggles and some flippers. I'm not going to be putting floaties. I mean, what's worse? Doing that as a 22-year-old or being like a 42-year-old who just can't swim at all?

I'll teach myself in private and I'll come out one day and I'll fly across the pool for a camera. Why don't you start doing that? We'll schedule the triathlon. You have a couple weeks to fucking learn. Yeah, you're describing training. Yeah.

Training is allowed. I'm going to train. Also, he had a Truman Show type experience where at a young age they made him afraid of the water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's horrifying. You got real problems. Yeah, he's fucked. This is actually-

You know the Truman Show where he won't go into the water because his dad died in the water? I'll be honest. I don't think I quite knew the extent of this, but a deal's a deal. ADK is ADK. I don't think I quite knew the extent of this but a deal's a deal I jumped in this summer after it happened it wasn't terrible but I just don't know how to swim I'm not scared anymore we're not going to throw you in rough water I think it's impossible for an adult to drown

you wouldn't think that they say you can drown in like 3 inches of water it's crazy Prince drowned in his puke, right? That Prince Jimi Hendrix. Well, yeah, but I'm saying, like, can't you just stand up? That's very different when you're fucking passed out from drugs and you choke on your own puke. Oh, I thought he was face down.

No, I don't know, but usually when people die from their puke. If I throw an adult in a five-foot deep pool, you're telling me that... Well, five foot, you can stand up. Right, like you're telling me they can't just stand up. No, but like, I got a friend... But they're flopping around, and they're just like, oh, yeah, I can just do this. I got a friend that big wheeze.

You throw him in the deep end of the pool, and... Well, that's a problem. Yeah, like, he would start thrashing. His line is always, why would I want to hang out in something I can't breathe in? That's a good point. Good point. Good point.

That's a fucking good point. Yeah, he also wants to go to space. But, you know, we said 80,000 gets a triathlon, and here's the thing, guys. We're going to make another thing for another benchmark, and if we don't do this, then they're not going to subscribe because they're going to say that we welch on all of our bets. Yeah, you got to swim.

Got to swim. For the brand. If I'm playing devil's advocate, you also have to do an AMA for 70,000. Oh! Yeah, yeah. I'll do it tomorrow. That's what I figured. My real problem is that I still have to come and jump off a bridge

for the Mets. How do I do that? I said if Pete Alonso hits 50 home runs and 120 RBIs, this is his rookie season, someone was like, Pete's gonna hit 50 and I was like, yo, if Pete hits 50, I'll cum myself and jump off a bridge. And he fucking did. And now everyone's like, the Mets aren't gonna win, you're cursed until you do it. And I'm like, yo, if Pete hits 50, I'll cum myself and jump off a bridge. And he fucking did. And now everyone's like, the Mets aren't going to win.

You're cursed until you do it. And I'm like, okay, I'll find a bridge that's like a little bridge, you know, and I'll just jump off it. I'm not thrilled about that either. But I'll find something, you know. But, like, how am I going to, like, do a video where I cum myself without, like, going on a sex effect list, you know. Nick, Nick, like, as long as, like know, dude. As long as the public's cool with me, I go in a room, close a door, I come, honors promise,

I came, and then we jump off a bridge. But that kind of shit makes me feel like I'm going to end up on a sex offender list. Why? When the parents and the teachers find out that I did a video where I came myself. When I have to release a piece of content that's like KFC comes himself and jumps off a bridge and I know the teachers that watch Barstool.

You know what I mean? That's tough. That's not good. There's a bridge on Martha's Vineyard by State Beach. It's on State Road. And I believe they have porta-potties next to it in the summer. Oh, fuck. I can't jerk off in a porta-potty.

Why not? Smells and stuff. So you can do it. Okay, but it's not a big, it's the Jaws Bridge. It's the bridge from the movie Jaws. How high is it? Seven feet. Okay, yeah.

And if you watch the movie Jaws, it's the bridge the shark comes under and then goes into the lake. The Jaws was from the vineyard. And it's called Jaws Bridge. Comes off of that border body. I didn't realize this was still a thing. I wouldn't have said it.

But if you're actually looking for solutions, that could be what we can cut it out. If you're not looking for solutions, I think there's something there. I think there's something to fucking do well. I'd say some crazy shit for the Islanders, but I'm not going to. What's your new project?

Oh, yeah. What? The new project you tweeted out. You do have dementia. Oh, yeah, I'm doing... Well, it hasn't really been talked about yet because it's got to be... Well, people could kind of piece it together.

I do these things for the US Open, but I'm going to be doing it for the Islanders, opening up the arena. It's really cool shit. Like I'm the only one that's been really given access to this new arena. I've been there like every day filming. It's fucking awesome, man. Like watching this place like be built.

This is the Belmont place? What's it going to be called? UBS Arena. It's a bank. But it's fucking awesome. We were there. They were testing out the lights and, like, the projectors on the ice. And, like, they're hitting buttons.

And I'm flying the drone over the ice. And they're, like, testing out, like, the fucking logos, where they're going to go. And putting the ice down. And painting the ice. How are the Islanders playing right now? I don't want to talk about it. They're all right. Fucking three and two and two.

I would eat my dog's ass if they want to fucking. I'm with you on that. Alright, fucking three and two and two. I would eat my dog's ass if they want to fucking... I'd eat my dog's ass if they fucking want a cup. Dude, they fucking are a good team. I'd probably eat my dog's ass. That's a bull problem for a team that was like... Bro, didn't they use your conference championship last year? Yeah, two years in a row. Two years in a row. You're a fucking cunt

tear from the cup. Imagine if he did it. Bro, I'll lift his hind legs up and just fucking... Little Maltese? Little Maltese. I'll clean him right out.

He's got ass problems anyway. Bro, you bet. Wait, that makes it worse. You bet like five games from a Stanley Cup. We were in overtime of game seven.

Imagine if he did it and they made it to the cup, but like through some magical sports God, they told him like, yeah, it was going to happen anyway. You didn't need to do that. You were going to make it regardless, dude.

Well, the team hears about it. They're like, we got to take a dive tonight. Not watch that video. Somebody asked me today, would I take, um,

like if I knew, and I couldn't gamble on it, so you can't, like, take advantage of that, but would you take knowing that the Islanders are going to win a Stanley Cup in 2027 or do you let the dice, do you roll the dice for the next? That's what I said. Got a bird in the hand, bro. But then you ruin

all the excitement. The excitement's about the fucking thrill and going to each game. Like, essentially, I would get a note that says you can't tell anybody, you're not allowed to speak it out into existence, but the Islanders will win in 2027. That would be crippling, man. Crippling. That might be why I say no, just because that ruins my life.

But I wouldn't worry about my excitement because I just want it to happen. What do you guys think of the Braves guys' celebration? Which one was what? Big T and the other kid. Last night, the Braves win,. Which one was what? Uh, big T and the other kid, uh, last night, the Braves win. And they were just like,

but it was like seven, nothing. I mean, the guy was crying. Yeah. That kid did cry. Who was that kid? Uh,

he's Travis's for the boys kid. That's all I know. Yeah. Gambling cave was the gambling cave was the move. Oh yeah. Yeah. So I do kind of feel bad for him too, where it's like,

I don't know. He's like a new kid. Like he shouldn't, there's not even like a connection with him like why why do people even really care how he celebrates you know i mean like also like he didn't get to go watch with his family it's like brutal yeah yeah yeah it's like but i mean to to did you have you seen this yet uh yes yeah so like i don't like to to uh celebrate shame but like i don't like to celebrate shame, but, like, I don't know, man. You know, people are talking about the Atlanta curse, which is a little exaggerated in my mind. Oh, I was saying that last night.

People were giving me, like, all these things. If the Atlanta curse started, to many people, at 28-3, that's not a curse. And then, well, Georgia football loss, and fucking the Braves last year, 2020, blew a 3-1 lead. Okay, so like... A few years. I never thought of Atlanta as being a cursed team.

There's a bad team. I thought, ha-ha, you guys suck. And you lose in... Absolutely. The way you lose is unbelievable. Brutal, for sure. But I never thought there was a curse on Atlanta. By the way, this is a great property.

45 minutes south of here. 49 minutes away from Truist Park. It is beautiful. Check it out. Yeah, I'll give the tears. Those are the real. Because I think I'll cry. I will cry if the Mets win. But I mean, I don't know. See, even if you're up a lot and you know you're going to win, I feel like that

ninth inning, I'd be like, one away! We're going to do it! Two away! It's happening! Three! You know, I don't know. They won in the 90s, right? They won in 95. Right. 26 years. It is.

Even if there were no. 26 years since their last win. The, like, if I was enrolled in school your last fucking championship, you're not cursed. But the, yeah, these things are kind of one of those things where it's like you can't win. Right? Dude, people say I'm an overreactor and it's not true and it's not fucking genuine. I believe the Braves fans specifically, granted I think it was that other guy who said the southern accent, these guys were getting nailed because it would be like a fucking second inning double

and they'd be going crazy. So, yeah, you really can't win. But a World Series. I mean, this is the... Like, it was funny because the tweet said, the Atlanta Braves are World Series champions. And this is the video. And people were like,

Jersey Jerry was like, you guys tired? Yeah. Just want a World Series. I was thinking, but I forget if it was a World Series win or a World Series game or whatnot. But we had that with the Red Sox one where it was just like,

but Boston is different because that's kind of part of our thing where it's like another one, a world series win though. I mean for the, uh, it'll be different. It was the Mets. I'll tell you that much.

Um, but it is one game six at the Coliseum. They scored that goal. Anthony Pavilion. I remember, I mean, I was weeping because I remember it was the last game of the Coliseum ever. If they didn't make it to the cup and like just the idea of all the beers getting thrown on,

that's a moment. For them, it's hard when they're in a fucking... Yeah, you're sitting in a radio room. There's not much emotion. I think the 7-0 is a huge difference. For like two hours, you know you're World Series champions. That's hard. I think Carl had a tweet where it was like,

I celebrated more for the first time than some of us. Right, but in that moment, yeah, it's an exciting thing think Carl had a tweet where it was like, I celebrated more for a first down than some of us. But in that moment, yeah, it's an exciting thing. Carl, let's go! Where it's like, yeah, if it's a walk-off, yeah, we're talking a completely different story. At that point, you've known for two hours that you're winning. Sure, there's a chance you can't, but 99.9%

sure you're winning the World Series for over two hours. Last video voicemail, what do we got? Is this sexy, Skyler? No. Okay. KFC fights Nick. Superstar jacked up Jackie.

Whoever else might be there, it's up. I just got a question about the best karma you've ever had. Oh, boy. For me, this was a moment probably four or five years ago back when I was in university. I was at a club with a bunch of buddies and it was a super packed night everyone's you know sweaty rubbing all over each other it's packed house we're in line to get a drink the line was like a half hour long already and we were moving nowhere and this drunk girl comes in this young girl starts throwing elbows

in front of everyone like I need a drink first I was like you know what I'm not drunk enough to deal with you you go ahead she had a $20 bill in her hand. She was in front of me and waving it around, and she ended up dropping it. So I bend over and hand it to her. And I tap her on the shoulder like, hey, you dropped your money. And she shrugged me off. And I was like, hey, tap her on the shoulder. You dropped your $20 bill.

She shrugged me off again. I was like, all right, fuck it, guys. I'm going over to the VLTs with her money. So I walk over to the VLTs, put her $20 bill in. And on the first spin, I won $680. Holy shit. Best instant karma moment of my life. I'm just wondering what's the best karma moment you've ever experienced.

What's a VLT? All right, have a good one, guys. Keep it up. Viva. I do not know. It seems like a Canadian thing. Yeah, the casino aspect. Is it those scratchy things?

Video lottery. Video lottery. So just some sort of. Slots. What's a slot machine? Slots, bro. They're the slots. Yikes.

The best karma moment. I thought he said coma moment. What? I thought he said coma moment. Coma moment. Do you have a coma moment? No. No.

I was like, that's going to be a hard one. I have a said coma moment. Coma moment. Do you have a coma moment? No. No. I was like, that's going to be a hard one. I have a reverse karma moment. I found money on the floor. Not the floor, the sidewalk. And I think it was like 20 bucks. And there was a person like a few feet ahead. It was probably theirs. And I just put it in my pocket.

And then I had like a vicious, allergic reaction to alcohol. And then I went through a phase. This is probably why I really stopped drinking. Granted, it was when I was drinking shitty liquor. Every time I would drink cheap vodka at the bar, I would get hives, and my throat would close up a little bit. And I would still just go out and drink all the time. It's crazy.

I would be like, people would see me being like... It just ruins me, and I drink one every night. Every night? Every night. Like, well, you drink it on the can? What? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're like a chick. Like, I just all the time, women are just lactose intolerant.

They just complain all the time. They're like, oh, like, it's like, no, no, no. They say they're lactose intolerant, but they just all they do is... They're consuming massive amounts of dairy. All they do is eat dairy. I'm actually not going to say this on the air. Because I think it's pretty fucking gross. It's okay.

I ate a fucking soft-served ice cream while I was taking a shit, dude. That's literally some human centipede shit. It's like. Like poop particles were going into the ice cream. You got to think, right? You're fucking actively shitting. Dude, because like the thought. Once I took the ice cream. You gotta think, right? You're fucking actively shitting. And dude, because like the thought, once I took the first lick,

it just was like, ooh. You was in a cone? Oh yeah. Dude, I thought. Sitting naked. My fucking belly, my belly's hanging over. I've got my tits out

and I'm just sitting there pooping. Do that noise again. He goes, when I got that first lick, ooh. And I just like, ugh. You are deplorable. That is, I am, even in my own bathroom in my own home,

food, absolutely, I wouldn't bring a water bottle in. I'll throw a water bottle on the couch, I'll throw a shake, I will not carry a water bottle. You know, I'm just taking a piss. That's as bad as it's ever been. But a fucking hole in the cone while you're dumping out your fucking cornel. At Stu Leonard's?

From Stu Leonard's. Oh, like, we were doing this at a grocery store? No, dude. All right. Jesus Christ. By the way, I don't remember anything. The karma thing, I don't have one instance. I don't have.

I have one, like, it's not like karma, but it's like satisfaction is when like someone's like fucking speeding past you on like a rural route, and then like you go through that light, and then the next light you see them wrapped around a fucking pole. Jesus. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That hasn't happened. That hasn't happened.

I hope for it every time. Gotta go to LA and start driving with some TikTokers. Every single time I fantasize like, oh yeah, you fucking dickhead was riding my ass. When I get around this corner, you are gonna be fucking wrapped around a pole. But it hasn't happened yet.

Anyway, interview time. We got Gary Goldman on the show. We also got Sam Murill, two unbelievably funny comedians. We'll start off with Gary. It's brought to you by Thursday Boots. Thursday Boots, we've done, we've collabed with them for our boots, also with our sneakers.

They own the company Nothing New, who we collaborated with for our sneakers. They made the Moon Man Ones and the Sad Boys Season Ones. Moon Man Ones. I can't take them off as easily as Kevin. Kevin's got the slip-ons. I got the slip-ons or the lace-up. You can do it any way you want. The slip-on or the lace-up. You can do it any way you want. The slip-on or the lace-up with the black denim up on top.

Casual shoe, a staple for any sneaker, for any closet. We still have these in stock. Feidelberg sold out in like four minutes. We upped the quantity for Moon Man one, so you can still grab some sizes of these. The Moon Man, the Sandbox Season 1s are coming later this season. I would say

in a month. Okay. So around Black Friday. Don't hold me to that. I have no control over that. I would probably say, yeah, December. Oh wait, yeah. It's November, right? It's November, yeah. I think it'll be like mid to late December. So that's nothing new. So you can get the sneakers from the Barstool store or you can go to Thursdayboots.com, get yourself a pair of boots, whether you're going to brunch, whether you need some military boots, whether you're doing like Chelsea boots, whether you're doing suede, leather, whatever, all the different styles, all the different materials.

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tough. Their quality has gotten unbelievably better over the years. They now are high-quality boots at an affordable price. They've grown to be a really, really impressive company. That's why we do our collabs with them for boots and for sneakers. So go to Thursdayboots.com, T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Y-B-O-O-T-S.com. Get a pair of high-quality boots that you'll be wearing for years, and head over to the Barstool store to get your sneakers.

It's Gary Goldman on KFC Radio. How you doing, Gary? I'm good. I'm good. This is your first time in person, right, for us? Yeah. First time in person. We, I have an important question about your first time in person. Yeah. Did you bring our presents? Oh, that's right. What was it? Mushrooms.

You're supposed to bring us mushrooms. You son of a bitch. You don't have them, do you? You don't look like a guy who has mushrooms on him. Well, you kind of do, but... Wouldn't that be amazing? Yeah. I carry them everywhere I go. That's hilarious.

Yeah, next time. It would have been too long, but I did it. All right, well, so next time we get a double dunk. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. So were we supposed to do them all together or just get them together? No, because you weren't doing them, right, Shia? I had grown them for you.

Yeah, I don't want to undo my progress. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so we'll do them all for you. Yeah, but they're in our freezer. No, I think they're in those vacuum-packed bags. Nice. Probably have just tons and tons of mushrooms in your freezer.

She went all out. Did she do? Did she do? Did she do? I don't know how much we talked about it last time, so we'll ask a few questions. She grew it like you would grow, I guess, hydroponics or whatever in your home. She was so careful with the lighting and the temperature. I mean, she really. And then it's just not something you did it once and didn't like it or you didn't even have done it at all?

I had never done it, and I was concerned that it would throw you off. Sid Barrett me, the Pink Floyd. He started Pink Floyd. He did too much LSD, and he never came back from it. Really? Yeah, which mushrooms aren't the same as LSD. Yeah, it's natural, right? I'm always still afraid of those types of things.

You had started because you were going to go into treatment yeah it was before the hospital these mushrooms were grown before I went into the hospital I went into the hospital and recovered quite quite dramatically and valiantly and so I never had to dip into that

that cachet if you ever need to or if the world's ending or something. You have a massive amount of mushrooms ready for anybody. I imagine they stay, like, fresh for a while. I actually was recently, had, like, a family party, and I had

some aunts and uncles there, and they were like, yo, let's go smoke weed. And as I'm smoking weed, I was like, this isn't, like, I don't smoke a ton of weed, but I was like, this doesn't feel like weed, really. Like, it isn't like, I don't smoke a ton of weed, but I was like, this doesn't feel like weed, really. Like, it doesn't feel like it's hitting or anything. And my uncle goes, boy, it's nine years old. And I was like, what?

Eight-year-old weed? They had bought it nine years ago and then had kids, multiple kids, and just never got around to smoking weed, smoking the weed that they bought. And they brought it to, it was at my sister's wedding, and we were smoking it in the woods. And I was like, dude, this weed. Oh, it's heartbreaking. I was like, this weed sucks.

This is the worst weed ever. They're like, yeah, we kept it in the freezer for a long time. But then the kids got old enough to start eating their own stuff out of the freezer. So we had to move it from the freezer. If that's not the most like parenting story I've ever heard. One day we wanted to smoke weed. We had kids and we just never did it since then. We didn't get around to it for a decade.

We didn't find any time to just smoke one joint. Weed went through the court system and got legalized in the time. They bought us some shady back alley. This is in Massachusetts. They bought us some shady back alley deal and now you can get it

at Walmart. The marijuana's just sitting there. When are they going to get to us? I like to think of the weed as a toy story. Are they going to play with us? Are they going to smoke us today? Our potential is being wasted. I want to make you happy. I want to help you out.

That is unbelievable. Alright, well, big strike. We don't have our mushrooms. We've been waiting. We'll do this interview sober. I was hoping to be on psychedelics for this. Okay. Wow, I talk a lot of shit. You look very different, too, by the way. You looked like Johnny Depp during the pandemic.

You had the ponytail in and you had kind of a piratey. I had this Frank Zappa thing going on. And because I was afraid to go to the hairstylist, because I didn't want, it felt too Greek mythology where your vanity undoes you. It's the downfall, yeah. So I'm high getting a haircut. So then I went a few weeks ago, and it was, yeah, I had them cut it. I said, make me look like a grunge star approaching 40.

Nailed it! You're a good looking cat. It's not fair how handsome you are. You're also tan. What's your background? You've got a nice tan. I'm a Russian Jew. Russian Jew? Are they tan? Why are you tan?

There was so much raping and pillaging of Russian Jews from different ethnicities. Really? It was the rape. Why are you so tan? The massive amounts of rape. That's why.

That's why I'm a golden cookie. My ancestors were raped incessantly. But you really are, man. I play a lot of basketball. Every morning I play basketball if it's sunny. And so that's why I remain tan. That's the one thing.

I wish I played basketball. I never, I mean, my body just broke down on me, so I don't play anything anymore. Do you play in a league, or are you just out for a shoot? No, it's a lonely man's sport. Oh, so you just go out and shoot. In the summer I would have to get up so early because it would be 1,000 degrees out,

and then there would be nobody else. There was one other guy, and we'd play one-on-one. He's a business student at Columbia, and he would be there. What time were we talking? As early as like 6 a.m. You would be there at 6? Yeah, I would be there at 6. I would wake up at 5.30 and then go over there.

I wish. Man, I feel like morning people live such a – But only because it was 90 by the time it was 8 a.m. All right, you play ball until what? 8 o'clock and then what? And then from 8 o'clock, then I would- I mean, I read a lot, so that was part of it. I read a lot of magazines and then books,

and then I'm writing a book, so I had to work on that. What's the book about? It's a memoir of kindergarten through 12th grade. Oh, you have memories from that. Yeah. I have. Oh, how about that?

Look at you. See, I don't have memories though. I repressed it all. The blessing and the curse of the memories. Vivid memories. Everything from the time I started school until the time I graduated. I remember.

Wow. Is it going to be the, God, I forget the name of the book, but it was so good in, in, in the great depression. I forget the name of the book, but it was so good, in The Great Depress, the- Oh, The Lonely Tree.

The Lonely Tree, yeah. That's got to be in there. Make a chapter about The Lonely Tree. The Lonely Tree is the fiction I wrote in second grade. It's the most depressing book of all time. Yeah, it's so depressing. That's like the funniest part of The Great Depress. It was just a ripoff of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

I knew that that was a hot narrative. When you say that, anyone who has a basic understanding of psychology would see this as an allegory of a cry for help. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A six-year-old would say, this is an allegory, no? Am I a jackass or is this an allegory? This is something that stands for something else. I feel like you're so well-versed with all the struggles you've gone through and persevered through. I feel like you know so much about everything, about the psychology of it, about treatments, about all that stuff. Partially, it's my wife who would go to the meetings and ask all kinds of questions and do a lot of research.

You always need one person to ask the questions, right? Yes. Because I would just sit there and be like, okay, all right, sounds good, whatever. Yeah, this guy has way more schooling than me.

Right, he's smart, I'm dumb. I'm not going to bother him. Also, he was such a nice guy. You can see in the special that he's like a really, really down-to-earth guy who just happens to treat the celebrity mentally ill.

Of which there are many. That's a good one. Yeah. You just say celebrity. For real. Or just person at this point. Jesus Christ. I mean,

the amount of people who are just realizing that, you know, everybody's got some shit. Oh, this doesn't have to be this way. It doesn't. Yeah. I don't have to sit down in the shower to get through.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Those were the moments where I was like, this is, there's going to be a way out of being so God. Yeah. Those were the moments where I was like, this is, there's got to be a way out of being so exhausted

that I'm sitting in the shower. I used to do this standing up after football practice. Right. This is not normal. See, that's why I sat down.

I still sit. I'm a sitter. I was going to say, if that's a red flag, I need to make some changes. Oh, man. I told a story once about when I used to have

football practice where I would just, I brought a, I would bring like a picnic chair. You know like the cheap plastic chairs that'll sometimes fall over when you get a fake tornado kind of deal? And I used to just fall asleep. I'd chew tobacco and I'd fall asleep in my sit-down chair and wake up just

covered in like tobacco spit because I'd been asleep in there for two hours. In like high school, right? You were like a child. It's adorable. Yeah, with that cute little naked teenage boy. Getting all pruney with tobacco down his chest and drowning. What years were those?

All of them? Yeah, probably from about my sophomore year. So I was probably 14 my sophomore year. All through high school and college. And pretty much still to this day. Yeah, and it's pretty close to this day. Have you given up dipping? I did.

I gave up dipping probably like four months ago, three or four months ago. I remember kids going into fits during study hall because they couldn't have a dip during study hall. They'd be, oh, my gosh. Honestly, I accidentally did it. Like it was just like I just kind of like didn't do it for two weeks. And I was like, ah, I guess I'll just stop. Good for you. Yeah.

That's fantastic. Yeah, I don't know. I've gotten this far through the Red Sox playoff run. If it keeps going, because it is such a trigger on TV. Like, ah, Rafi Devers has a huge chewing. Oh, my God. He never is not chewing. I mean, he's at the plate. He's like.

I wouldn't be able to play basketball if I had something like that in my mouth. I should be focusing on just that the whole time. Yeah, that's so true. It's huge. He's a kid too, right? Yeah, he just turned 24. Wow. He's a baby, man.

He's so good. That's amazing. So do you just give this Columbia Business School kid the business, playing one-on-one? Just back him down on the post? He's pretty good. You're a big guy. Yeah, he likes me to back him down on the post because he's tall.

He's like 6'4", so I give him those moves. You know what I forgot about taking it down low is it's exhausting. It really is. It's more tiring. There's a reason why most guys just sit out there in jumpers. Steph Curry has to figure it out right. Then you miss a shot, and it's like, do I even want to go for this? And follow it up Because that's exhausting.

It reminds me of the last time I got into a real fight. I was 18 years old. And a few punches in, I was like, I don't know. I'm tired. Yeah. This is brutal. I think the average length of a real fight is probably like five seconds. Because that's when people are tired and it gets broken up.

And once you get broken up and you are that tired,'re like okay all right yeah hold me back but it's like we have a amateur boxing federation that we do really it's three one minute rounds though that makes sense amateurs like yeah you get your adrenaline adrenaline flowing and you start throwing punches and you're just yeah yeah yeah yeah you know yeah i mean back to your corner and it's like i don't want to even go off for a second. We have professional athletes participate, and they're still going. Pac-Man Jones was just in it. Really?

And he was tired. They did three rounds. They could have gone a little longer. But we've had like, usually the headliner is usually an athlete of sorts. And it was still like, boy. Fighting is, you know, it's like they say you don't play boxing. Right. No, I know. It's a whole different game. What is, you know, it's like when they say you don't play boxing. Right. No, I know.

It's a whole different game. What were you fighting about when you were 18? Throwing those paws around. I was in a car, and this guy who was part of our group. Remember when you were 18, you'd go in groups of like a dozen people. A thousand people. Yes, yes. He was in another car, and he had overheard me say something,

but he misinterpreted it, and he just punched me in the mouth. And then I was like, ugh, now I have to fight you. You've got to fight somebody who punches you in the mouth. Yeah, right. You're just so angry that I now have to stand up for myself. That was the rage you were using? You're making me do this. I don't want to do this.

I don't want to do this. And the thing was is that he never gave up. He just kept fighting? Yeah that he never gave up. Yeah, he just kept fighting. And I was so much bigger than him. And it was just by the end, he was like, anytime, anywhere. I'm like, how about no time, no time, nowhere. I don't have the energy.

I don't have the energy for this. In my middle school, it was like, there's a little runty kid. And he would fight this big kid. And my middle school was at the bottom of a a hill so you to walk up the hill and that kid was waiting there every day until like he like wanted to win and the kids like I did you like you fucking what you're tougher than me I don't know yeah it was like the very kid was like yeah I gave up it's your I don't want to fight it's like Peter Griffin and the chicken it's very easy to subdue the smaller so I can subdue them but then I can subdue them, but then you

can't hold them forever. It's like a Tasmanian devil. They just round up again. I got punched in the back by a homeless guy recently. And I was just walking by. We kind of like, I don't know. It wasn't even like we bumped into each other. We just kind of came somewhat close. And he was

out of his mind. And he just punched me right in the spine. And I was just like, ah! And I was like, well, I'm not going to, like, fight this guy. I'm an adult, and he's got problems, so I just kept walking. And then on the podcast, I was like, what would it have taken for me to fight? And I think even if he punched me in the face, I would have just been like, well, that's unfortunate.

I wish that didn't happen, but I don't want to get punched in the face again, and I'm not going to get much satisfaction if I punch him in the face. So I'm just going to keep walking. Yeah, when your ego is not on the line. When you don't have to go into school on Monday and defend yourself. Like, all right, maybe a few people on the corner here are going to know that I'm a big pussy,

but whatever. I mean, maybe if there were some cameras rolling, I don't know. It's almost more like if I was with somebody else and they got punched, then I'd be, yeah. But me, it's like you can just wallop my head all you want. I'm not going to do anything. A fight at this age is far more performative than it is actual anger. Definitely. I feel like I have to do this.

I'm a man. I'm strong. Yeah. I am neither of those things. I'm a boy and I'm weak. Ay, ay, yeah. So how has been, I mean, everybody that we've had eventually come through in person, getting back on stage has been like a big, big deal for them. I would imagine for you even more, right?

And I wanted to plug, if I have permission, the biggest show of my life coming up November 13th at Carnegie Hall. Which I already purchased tickets to. You did? Yep. Oh, my gosh. This is going to be so fun. Carnegie Hall is something. That's one of those bucket list things.

Yeah, it's the one venue that my family had heard of. You can't impress them with side splitters in Tampa or even Morty's in Indianapolis. R.I.P. Carnegie Hall. But Carnegie Hall, they know and I just feel bad for all the cellists

out there who are like, because unless you're Yo-Yo Ma. Nobody knows. Nobody knows who you are. I'm the second best cellist. Do you know?

What a lonely existence. Second best cellist in the world. Do you know Yo-Yo Ma? How sick is the second through lonely second best cellist in the world do you know Yo-Yo Ma how sick is the second through hundredth

best cellist sick of hearing you know what if I'm the second best cellist I'm putting a hit out on you like it's my time now

I'm gonna assassinate this guy it's so true it is also just like you have to lug that around you're like I just bring a microphone I got this

I got this fucking job with a microphone we've got it so much easier. Comedians, even over a guitarist, doesn't have to. Shane Gillis on his special, as he's doing his in the club, the club across the street was like blasting music. And you could hear the bass and music. He was like, God, music is just so much cooler than what I do.

Which is true but not true. I mean, comedy to me, I think, is one of the – I think anybody who can get up and do what you guys do is like the most amazing form of entertainment. But I understand the idea of music being this like experience. But I think comedy is the same way. Now I feel like comedy has had this moment, maybe because of Netflix or whatever,

where it's become so mainstream where everybody is getting a taste of it and it's not this little niche thing. But I mean, I feel like it's as big as anything is right now. Movies, TV. If you have a big special or you're a big comic, big podcast, you're top of the fucking chain, you know? Yeah, it is impressive. I just, with music, there's a timestamp on these songs

that can transport you like a fine aroma. Sure, sure. It's so true. You go right back to high school. stamp on these songs that can transport you like a fine aroma. Sure. You're right back to high school. Oh my gosh, I'm in 10th grade again. It's incredible. And the music doesn't even have to be that popular. It's just about you.

I also think that helps. I feel like I have that with comedy. Do you? Really? You remember where you were when you first heard certain jokes? With the Jerky Boys. Oh, the Jerky Boys. Oh, my gosh. The first time I ever heard the Jerky Boys,

and it was on a bootleg cassette at a friend's dorm room. We were sitting in the lunchroom, and we had styrofoam plates in front of us, and it was like, you kicked my dog. And I was like, holy shit. That's true. That's a good one. Wow.

I remember being in the car listening to Dane Cook when I was in high school. I remember Dane Cook. I remember watching the Chappelle show with my... Me and my friends on my freshman year hallway, we all got together in my dorm room as if it was a game. Like, where are you watching Chappelle show tonight? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Huddled around in a little dorm room on a little TV because it was like a must-appointment television at that point. No, that's true. I mean, the albums were like that for me with comedians growing up, and then Saturday Night Live was the biggest thing going in the 70s and early 80s. So I guess you're right. Yeah, that's right.

I mean, it definitely has its... All right. I'm done discounting comedy. Yeah, I mean, I'm eternally grateful for this outlet. I mean, can you imagine if laughs weren't a thing and we just... That wasn't a form of expression? And the way you guys can harness it is just, it's always fascinating to me. It's like, there's an unlimited amount of ways to make people laugh,

but the average person doesn't really know how to use any of them. And you guys can do all of them. It takes you a few years, but it becomes like... That's what's nuts. It becomes a language. What else do people do for years on end, mostly at least a decade, of eating shit and bitter failure, and bitter, bitter failure,

and then to hopefully maybe kind of pop a little bit. And you guys all stick it out. That's the cruel part. Because with baseball, you start off on a tee ball. But with comedy, you go against the worst audiences of all time. And sometimes there's only four or five people there. In New York, when I first started coming here, you'd go on at 1 AM in front of four or five people.

English was their second language. Right, they don't know what's going on. Unless you were directly deriding them or their clothing, they really didn't understand what you were talking about. It was just a nightmare, but it was a meal. So that's what the seller used to pay. Food? Yeah, if you were working after 11, I think, you got a food spot,

which was even better than pay. Than money? Yeah, because otherwise I wouldn't have had a hot meal the entire... I was eating jars of peanut butter. See, this is insane, Gap. And you guys willingly, happily did it for years? Yeah. What are you doing?

I mean, I would have given up so fucking fast. But it's that fun. It's that fun. When you do it... That didn't sound fun. It's such a high that you're willing to sacrifice all your education to keep it to keep it moving forward yeah what do you think you would have done i mean i feel like it's an interesting question for anybody but for for someone like yourself like

what was plan i really liked when i was the i was the building substitute teacher at my at my high school and i would the kids found out that i did standup comedy. So I would say, listen, if you behave for a half hour, I'll spend the last 15 minutes doing my, doing my jokes. Wow. And so that's the greatest substitute teacher ever. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I was amazing at it as a substitute teacher. That's the only substitute you didn't get abused. Yeah. They've got a lot of them keep in touch with me. They have kids now and things. So that, that's really cool.

But so I think I could have, I could have done that and felt like that was sort of an ethical and moral manifestation of my talents. You would be viral right now. You would be the comedian teacher. That would be fun.

The bar is so low for teachers. Oh, for teacher's comedy? The teacher who wears sneakers to school is viral on TikTok. Look at him, he wears shoes No, no. The teacher who wears sneakers to school was viral on TikTok. It was like, look at him. He wears shoes.

But you remember the teachers who were funny. Absolutely. Yeah, that was a really special thing for a teacher. And you would have figured out a way to teach by doing a stand-up set. You would have Miyagi'd them with your jokes. They would have been laughing, but like, oh, the mitochondria does power.

Or whatever the fuck that is. A good joke can teach you something sometimes. Were you giving full material or were you kind of like taking it down? Were you giving like, I mean. I had so many jokes about growing up in this city that were so specific and local. I'd be like comparing the Space Mountain to the car wash that was on this particular street in the neighborhood because it was really exciting. It was like going on a ride because sometimes you get stuck in there.

And if you had an old car, my mother's car would fill with the bottom half would fill with water because there were so many leaks underneath and everything. So I was like it was a flume and kids would laugh. Also, you had to do that Eminem thing where you would self-deprecate because they could see that I was making $45 an hour. It was advertised on the local cable

channel for $45. So they would mock me and things. Wait, $45 a day? $45 a day. I was like, I ain't honest. $45 an hour would have been fantastic yeah and probably uh the least amount i would accept now if i had to go back and do that because it was it was like getting up at 6 30 in the morning after doing shows the night before so that was the only that was the only real issue but um that is

brutal yeah and you're a New York guy now? Yeah, I live at 139,000th and Malcolm X. But you're from, was it Newton? No, Peabody. Peabody, okay. I think Louie and Joe Rogan are from Newton. There's a good, like, I don't think. Newton is like a pipeline to it. Yeah, it doesn't really.

And Brian Kiley from Conan is from Newton. It's probably because most of you guys just come down to New York or do Boston a little bit but does your mom even need him now? no my mom lives in Peabody I thought there was an N town I went to Boston College which is in Newton

my dad went to BC so I toured BC and I learned that everything about Boston College is a lie. It's the Boston College Eagles. It is in Newton. Yep. It is a university, not a college.

Yep. And the mascot is based on a gift from the Japanese president, I believe. No way. There are not eagles there. They are seagulls. So nothing is. The statue, it should be the Newton University seagulls or something. Oh, that's hilarious.

Something along those lines. It was a college established so Catholic kids could go to college, basically. And the occasional Jew wound up there. The Jew could catch a ball. Jew had big hands. He was good to go. Did you ever play there? No, only in the spring game.

That was my last game. I got redshirted through my freshman year. But the tight ends ahead of me were Mark Chimura, and then Pete Mitchell was a freshman my sophomore year. That's pretty tough. And then the coach's son was really good too, Bobby Bicknell, who's I think a coordinator. The last I checked, he was with San Francisco,

but he might be somewhere else now. Football is, I mean, you can be great. You can be like the greatest player in your town, your section, your region, and you go to any legitimate school and you're like, you know. Yeah, sports is so. Again, Shane was talking about it. I just watched him on Ryan Sickler and he was like, I was like the best football player at my school.

I went to being the worst player in the conference. He was like 6'3", 290. He was like, this is all I ever did. And then 6'3", 290 doesn't mean a fucking thing anymore. It's like, oh, I'm the worst. It's wild because I remember growing up, and there were kids who were incredible at Little League. They were like, this is the best baseball player I've ever seen in my life.

And they don't even play past high school. What is it like to be in the Little League World Series? You peak at 11 and a half. And then the rest of your life is just... Unless you're Chris Drury. Or Todd Frazier. Or Jason Varitek. Won a World Series at both levels

I loved playing my district or whatever was nothing important and I was mildly good and it's the best memories I've ever had if I was playing and winning and a hero if I hit a home run or something in the Little League World Series

I wouldn't even care if the rest of my life was downhill. Of course the rest of your life is downhill. That's the best thing that can ever happen to you. It's true. Take me back to that time. I'd sign for that right now. I still haven't done anything more exciting than getting my driver's license. Right? I mean, those things... Think about it. The most important thing

that maybe ever happens to you for the first half of your life is that. It's really wild. Especially most people go on... I'm sure you've been on stage and you do that maybe ever happens to you for the first half of your life is that. You know? Yeah. I can't even. Especially most people go on, you know, I'm sure you've been on stage and you do Carnegie Hall and stuff like that. Yeah. But if you go on to like a regular, you know, pretty pedestrian life, you're probably thinking about that home run when you were 11, you know, like forever. I played baseball until breaking balls started.

And then I was like, well, the ball's moving out of the way. Oh my gosh. I know. I know. I swung there. It moved. I'm out. I'm done. This is crazy.

I have to predict where it's going to go now? Get out of here. I know. Like, these guys who play for 10 years in the major leagues and jump from team to team, if you played with them, they'd be the best athlete you've ever seen in your life. They'd be the best athlete you've ever seen in your whole fucking life. A spectacle, you know? Yeah.

I play basketball at that park sometimes in the afternoon, and I'll see a guy guy and I'll be like, this is the greatest basketball player I've ever seen in my life. And I'll be like, where'd you go to school? And he's like, Connecticut. Oh, right. School of Broadcasting. Yeah.

Played some intramural. Like the kid you play with, does he know who you are? No. There are a few people in my building who've seen posters ever noticed? Like the kid you play with, does he know who you are? No. No? No. You've never asked what you do? There are a few people in my building who've seen posters of me

and they saw me in Joker. Like some of the kids in the building, they'll be like, you were in Joker. Yeah. Amongst other people. But he's never been like,

so what are you doing? You're not like, I'm a stand-up comic. You just kind of get there and don't even talk, just ball up. Yeah, just ball up. That's never been like, so what are you doing? I'm a stand-up comic. You guys just get there, don't even talk, just ball up? Yeah, just ball up. That's so funny. For the people who know you, the people who love The Great Depression, the people who are going to be at Carnegie Hall,

that would be one of the coolest things in the world to play basketball with you. And you do it every day with this guy who just – that's a little – there's something there. I mean you could write a little book about that, you know. It's like the 6 a.m. appointment basketball with this guy. It's the perfect level of fame. Yeah. Because I understand it's a pain in the ass to be super famous.

Like, sometimes I'll walk with Amy Schumer just around the club or everything, and she has to keep moving or else her night is two hours delayed. And people don't understand that where it's like, oh, she wouldn't sign this autograph. It's like, well, if she did, she would never get out. Yeah, she wouldn't get home to her son. Yeah, right. Her child would starve to death.

Yeah, it's a blessing and a curse, that kind of fame. And I just, I mean, part of it is sour grapes, so I didn't want to be super famous. Who wants to be doing arenas all over the world? I have an heart, no thanks. Exactly. I want the intimacy. That I love.

Comedy's best in the club. That's what it's meant to be done, not in Giants Stadium. Okay. Tell Kevin Hart that. Kevin Hart's like like comedy's best when they get 10 million dollar check home on the way out the door you can fit 85 000 people in there i can't even imagine doing a stadium like no i know not even an arena a stadium i know i did madison square garden once opening for dane cook during one of his tours that's gotta be but i

remember the subtext of every joke I told was, Dane Cook will be out here in a few minutes. Just bear with me here, would you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I forgot you were on fucking, what was it called? The tourgasm. The tourgasm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when like

vlogging got invented, right? Yeah. I remember, I might have said this to you last time, I remember watching you and just being like this guy's in too good shape to be comedy

you know you just jacked up yeah you underestimate the insecurity laying beneath me yeah yeah he's too good looking it's a real mess but but you can tell from most comedians oh this kid uh didn't have sex in high school that is that is that is a pretty good that is what's that is a pretty good bet when you guys do make it like you know like i said you're rock stars now but it all in order to get there you have to live this pretty quirky life of like yeah but it it reminds me of and and probably better conditions, but the early years of minor league baseball players, but also pro wrestlers have stories of just driving three hours to not get paid, but do their thing that they love.

So I think it's much easier. And I guess if you hate that part of it, then you're not going to make it. You have to love at least the getting on stage part the driving that sucks but usually you're with like I would drive hours with Bobby Kelly yeah it's a show on the way to the show right yeah I mean that guy's one of the all-time storytellers and he's so quick and yeah we used to wait tables all day then we go do shows at night driving to New Hampshire and Maine and all these things

that does sound fun but I know in the moment you're probably like fuck but everything was at a loss you were barely making enough money to to keep doing that for as long as you guys do is insanity because most people would just be like

alright I gotta get something to make to me insanity is waking up when I was an accountant right going to that job i couldn't yeah yeah oh yeah see i couldn't reconcile that with with my my my values no no yeah i mean i'm with you on that but but even that like i didn't really jump to this until i knew this was like pretty steady yeah i made like a little bit of a risk but not too much you know yeah but yeah you're right that it's like that's insane yeah but it's also a risk to not give your all to the nine to five well i i gave my all and my all wasn't even remotely close i was like this is as good as the accounting gets and you guys hate me here yeah yeah i was a utter failure at that i didn't walk

away from something I was really talented It was not like Well I'm going to be a partner over here But I could be a blogger It was like I'm getting fired next time I got my job Right as The recession hit

And they were doing layoffs every couple months And I was like how am I not good at that And I felt bad There was this guy he was young But he had a wife and kids and he got fired before me and I was like he's definitely better than I am yeah I think I would just go out to for drinks with the partners or stuff they liked me right I was like this is not right I'm gonna fire myself yeah I was I was beloved by the the other guys there because I was. But I remember I was fired for saying, what are they going to do? Fire me.

Really? Yeah. What was the circumstances? It was a room bigger than this, but it was probably 15 of us doing the books or balance sheets for what is now probably owned by three different things that were, anyhow, it was an investment mutual fund. And I was being really loud and entertaining, and somebody said, Gary, the client is right outside the door. And I'm like, what are they going to do, fire me?

And I had to walk into the human resources, and they were like, it says here that you said, quote, what are they going to do? Fire me. And, uh, and I said, I'll get my things. Thank you. I'll get the cardboard box. We'll back it up. Thank you for the opportunity.

That's great. And, uh, Cobra that's, that's still, Cobra is, I wish they didn't call it something that's so dangerous. So fucking menacing. Yeah. Cobra was Cobra. It's like a benefits. Uh, like, yeah, you can keep your health insurance. I wish they didn't call it something that's so dangerous. So fucking menacing. What is COBRA? It's like a benefits insurance. Yeah, you can keep your health insurance.

You just have to pay for it. But at the time, if you couldn't get health insurance with a pre-existing condition, you couldn't. Right. Because I was depressed, so it would have been hard for me to get insurance. It was. Before Obama, yeah. Everything was a pre-existing condition. Because to the insurance company, it's a big expense.

Yeah. I had to keep my benefits because I had a bunch of surgeries and shit. Like a lot of the guys here, I remember asking Dave, well, what do you do about insurance? And he was like, what? I just don't have it. And I was like, cool for you, man, but it's just not an option for me. Yeah, me neither.

And if I had quit, I don't think I would have gotten it or the same amount. So I was like, what? I just don't have it. And I was like, cool for you, man, but it's just not an option for me. Yeah, me neither. And if I had quit, I don't think I would have gotten it or the same amount. So I was like, I have to get fired. So I dug my heels in, and they were kind of like, do you want to transfer to another place? We could find this thing that's better for you. And I was like, nope. And they were like, what? What do you mean?

And I was like, I'm good. And they were like, no, you're not. You're going to get fired. And I was like, I'm OK with that. And they just didn't because I had this thing waiting. And and then it was all just to be able to keep my benefits but i mean even that it was like still like six or eight hundred dollars a month oh yeah yeah it was a ridiculous amount you then i'd be working just to pay my insurance but the alternative was was not acceptable yeah what was like the tipping point for you when did like uh when did it become profitable when did it become oh i sold it i sold an idea for a for a pilot in 1999 1999 2000 to fox and um and i got 250 000 they used to give away just for an idea stand-ups did it make it to a

i put on a great show i told the whole idea for the show, and then there were other networks that were interested. It never made it. Never even made it. Really? Yeah. Fuck. What was the idea? It was about a guy who lives at home with his mother in the same house he grew up in with the same friends he grew up with since sixth grade.

And it was all about that, but I had a lot of good stories about my mother and my friends and one was the assistant to the mayor. Yeah, it was biographical. Yeah, I've just sold my biography over and over again over the years.

You're Kramer with the coffee book. Coffee table book. Yeah, it's just I mean the latest iteration was just this thing that I never told anybody before

but early on I was telling biographical stories. Yeah. Is this, is the, you're working on a show with McKay, right? The one I'm doing now with McKay is about my high school, it's similar to the This American Life story that I told. It has part of that where I am a very nerdy 11th grader

who gets trained by these two really cool football coaches. And then I get a scholarship after one year. And then my life falls apart. So this was not autobiographical. It was very exciting. Well, it's autobiographical in that I mean, if it wasn't for the therapist at the college, I would have jumped out a window, I'm sure. I was going crazy that year because it was like, I had never played football until high school,

and then all of a sudden I'm having to read how the defensive backs are playing and where the linebacker is, and it just doesn't, the cover two just never made any sense to me, how I was going to coordinate with the quarterback and break off a route and not get screamed at. These are not dumb people. These are not dumb people. They're not just idiot jocks. They're smart.

They just are obsessed with something different than accounting. Than intellectuals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had Gronk in here after he retired. And we were on a show we were just hanging out shooting the shit and uh he was talking about it was so the past were considering signing antonio brown it was the rumor right and we're like someone asked him uh you know when do you think antonio can be ready to play like how hard how hard actually is the patriot playbook

yeah and he's like he goes off dude it's easy they give you an ipad and then you just gotta have like the plays they update it every week. They give you an iPad, and then you just got to have, like, the plays. They update it every week with what plays you need to know that week for that scheme. And his fucking, what's his buddy's name? He kind of, like, runs everything. I forget his name. It's not Beast, but it's something like that. And he goes, Beast, Beast, tell him the last time my iPad was charged was.

And Beast goes, three years ago. And we're like, you don't study game film? He goes, I don't study anything. It's just, I just know it. Like he understood how ridiculous it is

that he's been that. Like he got it. He's like, yeah, it's absurd. I just know it all because I just know the whole thing.

And that's coming from a guy who, you know, typically we joke about him being like a dummy and it's like, he's brilliant when it comes to this shit.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. And Tom just loves him. Tom's just like, come with me it comes to this shit. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And Tom just loves him. Tom's just like, come with me wherever I go. Yeah. Yeah. It's extraordinary.

He was Brady's puppy. Right. Because like they say, when you're an old dog, you get a puppy, it adds to its life. Oh, wow. That's a great point. Like Brady was probably kind of tired. And there's this fun, goofy guy came over. He was like, all right, I like this sport again.

Yeah. Damn it. And he was at Edelman. They were talking about how he didn't, like one of the reasons he left was he didn't have any friends on the team anymore. He's like, I don't know Jake Bailey the most. I don't know the punter. That's who I like talked to and knew. It's a sad thought.

It's like you kind of get into a locker room and you realize you're way older than everybody. And it's like, this is kind of weird. I don't have any friends here anymore. It's like being the super senior who comes back. Yeah. It's like, oh, still trying to party. Yeah. Yeah here it's like being the like super senior who comes back yeah it's like oh yeah yeah yeah still trying to party yeah yeah it's a bummer i mean if that's crazy that like julian edelman walks into a fucking locker room and feels a little like insecure great looking guy incredible you know he's like oh like those guys are intimidating

the fuck yeah it's a cool sport man it's a cool life where it's like yeah you get chewed up spit out and like when they're done with you they're done with you the fans the people and you're like 32 and they're like put a bullet in that guy's head

he's done I know that's why I'm so grateful I found this comedy because I think part of the draw to sports is people pay a lot of attention

to you they're cheering for you glory yeah and there's glory and then you go into comedy at least you can do that into your 50s. Best case, I would have played until I was 35, right? And then what do I do for the rest of my life?

You've got a lot of life left. And you're injured and your brains are mashed. Yeah, and my ear is unattractive. It's cauliflower ears that these guys get. Oh, my God. It's absolutely brutal. It's brutal, yeah. Yeah, I mean, comedy is like a lifelong thing, right?

Yeah, and you can get better at it. I mean, you look at guys like Carlin and Robert Klein. I mean, it's really impressive. Carnegie Hall. Yeah. I mean, if you're in New York and you hear Carnegie Hall. Yeah. You're anywhere.

Yeah, that transcends. It's not even the joke. It's the premise, I guess, of the joke of like, work hard at things and you get to go to Carnegie Hall. I use Carnegie Hall. Practice, practice, practice. Right. That is like the, how do you achieve your greatest dream?

The joke about that is Carnegie Hall. Yeah. Yeah. How many people is that? Uh, 2,600, I think. Yeah. Oh, see, so, so we'll get kind of the same thing as us. We're also part of New York Comedy Fest

oh yeah what are you guys doing? we're doing Gramercy Theatre Gramercy Theatre is a great room it's intimate I've done that a bunch of times I think the best comedy is done in Zionist 6.30pm Friday

with Doug Loves Movies I did that and then I did some headlining shows there that's a great room. It's definitely great for us, for sure. Yeah, of course. Carnegie's pretty decent. You're going to have a blast. Yeah.

You're going to have a blast, and nobody has to wear a blazer. When we first, like the New York Comedy Fest first announced that we were part of it, and they forgot to put us on the billboard. We were convinced we weren't actually in the festival. were part of it yeah and they forgot to put us on the on the billboard we were we were like convinced we weren't actually in the festival and i was like i was like thank god i actually bought the tickets for gary's show rather than ask someone to get them for me because i think they had told me to go fuck myself no i would have i would have hooked you up i'm i'm happy to but the the yeah the the weird thing is is that you uh you don't know this but i was supposed to do

conaghy hall before Hall before the pandemic, and then the pandemic hits, and I'm like, of course. Why did I think I was going to play Carnegie Hall? That the universe was going to let me play Carnegie Hall. There had to be a correction. I was really bummed out because I usually wait until the last minute to tell my family I'm doing anything. Because then, of course, every time I talk to my mother

from the time it was postponed until now. So when is Carnegie Hall my god i don't know i don't know see i i the i was actually just telling kevin earlier that i was at the dinner with my parents this weekend and someone would someone saw us they're like oh that's my parents like are you coming to their show at grandmacy theater yeah and both my parents were like i don't know what you're talking about we didn't know there was one yeah yeah yeah don't tell them anything. I don't even take them in public. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I could somehow sell tickets without telling anybody,

I would do that. I don't want anybody knowing. I know. Like my friends are always like, oh, we would have come. I'm like, I don't want you there. I don't want you there. Like it would stress me out.

It's so stressful. It's so stressful. Do you still get like stressed and nervous? Yeah. I mean, for Coney Hall, certainly there's going to be some nerves. But if you're just doing your regular sets, are you still like butterflies? Yeah, a for Coney Hall, certainly there's going to be some nerves. But if you're just doing your regular sets, are you still like butterflies?

Yeah, a little bit of butterflies, sure. Like you're... But more like, oh man, this is going to be so exciting. I'm really excited about this. But when I did, I went home to there's this place that I saw Jay Leno with my dad when I was 17 and it's in Beverly, Massachusetts

and I performed there. From the moment I booked it, I was just writing down all these memories from everything. And so it was everybody I went to high school with. It was kind of like a nightmare where you have to perform for everybody you went to high school with. Right. Holy shit. That's like one of the most pressure-packed things you're ever going to do.

But, yeah, when it was done, I didn't realize how relieved I was and also how important it was to hear from people saying it was good because I was like, you don't know if everybody had a good time. So it was to hear from people saying it was good. Cause I was like, you don't know if everybody had a good time. So it was just, yeah, it was really stressful. Yeah.

I killed, but it was because who else is, is doing jokes about certain teachers that we had. It's a little bit of a captive audience. Yeah. My high school German teacher was in the audience. So I got to use the nine German words that I can remember from German. Taking German in high school is a

choice. That's a little fucking crazy. It was because the German teacher was such a cool guy. He used to play basketball with us on Friday afternoons. Did you ever play basketball? I played high school basketball. I used to go to camps every summer. I could have gone to which I should have when I think

about it. I should have gone to like a Bowdoin or a Williams or something like that. Oh, look at that. That's a guy fellow. Yeah. That would have been a lot of fun. But Boston College football. And you can get really good at basketball. But the ego is like Boston College football.

For sure. How do you turn that down? Not at 18 years old. Yeah. It would have been so much fun. And you do get better at basketball. Yeah. Right.

And it's such a fun sport to play as an adult because there's no contact, and you don't need as many guys. You can play with just one or two guys. It's really fun. Well, I'm always happy that it came out the way it did because it's made you into this unbelievable comic. Yeah, all these things in our life guide us along this thing to make us who we are. But I like to watch that show Rick and Morty because they see all the different timelines

that they could have existed on, and it's very interesting. But we don't have that opportunity yet. I mean, this one, the Carnegie Hall timeline is a pretty fucking cool one. There's no way if I'm a college All-American in football that I have enough insecurity in me to work hard enough for comedy to play Carnegie Hall. So it's good that I couldn't go over the middle. I imagine it probably helps you get back to the BC reunions now, too.

You have a little something more than just I can wear shoelaces again. Oh, that's right. I, I, I should have like a 30th or 35th coming up. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. That one was tough. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Great memory guys. That's amazing. Thank you so much.

It's a pleasure. I really appreciate you bringing me on to plug this because if it's just the three of us that night. No, I bought four tickets. Okay, so at least five of us. In suspicion, there'll be plenty more people. My opening act. So I really appreciate your guys'

encouragement and support. Is it GaryGolman.com? Yeah, GaryGolman.com or through the New York Comedy Festival, which I don't know what the maybe NewYorkComedyFestival.com. Yeah, throw it on Google. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Gary – We will be there.

Look forward to seeing everyone else there. That's Carnegie Hall on November – And I owe you guys mushrooms. Yes. Yes. Saturday, November 13th. 13th. Yeah.

And you bring the mushrooms and we'll be there. Yeah. All right. Awesome. All right. Big thanks to Gary. Just one of the most genuinely like nice humans of all time. And he's been through so much in the fact that he's like happy now,

even when we were doing answer the internet, we were asking him questions. Would you want this? Would you want that? Do you want this money? Do you want that money? And this is a guy you would think would maybe be like, yes,

I just want like any different life, you know, cause he's gone through so much. And he was like, no, I'm just happy with where I am. And I'm like, man,

if he could be happy and set through some of his challenges then you know shut the fuck up about your problems you know uh same thing with sam murrell a guy who uh who has a very interesting story we love every time he comes through he's one of our like longest running repeat guests here uh so sam's on the show let's do it sam murrell on kfc radio let's talk to him all right let's let's dive right in sam murrell's back you're probably one of our definitely one of our most like regular

one of our most liked guests I'm honored yeah that's true you're actually also I was telling a story recently very recently last episode about my

I'm just grown tired of music and so when I exercise I listen to just comedy albums and I was listening to you the other day and like I look like a psychopath because like I'm on my porch jumping rope and laughing hysterically.

I've been listening to you and Soder a lot, and I'm just laughing, and I'll be jumping rope, but I'll whip my hand sometimes, so I'll start cursing weird, like, cunt, fucking, slut, bitch, and then go back to laughing. I look like a psychopath, and that's partly because of you. Thank you. Well, I'm honored. I'm honored to psychopath. And that's partly because of you, thank you. Well, I'm honored. I'm honored that.

John's neighbors are going to call, what's that called, like a 5750 when they got to check on your well-being because of you, Sam Rill. It's an honor. He's going to find two dead bodies. It's an honor to make that. It's always weird when people listen to comedy during a workout, but I remember one time, I had a shuffle,

and I remember one time Tom Waits came on. I'm like, this is fucking bleak to work out to. You're trying to do push-ups to rain dogs. I don't get amped up anymore. When I was in fucking high school, I'd be like, we ready. But to work out, you mean, or just life in general? Life in general, but particularly working out. I'll listen to folklore while I work out.

I just want something that's going to make the time pass faster. Do you work out? Do you exercise? I have neck problems. I used to. I I work out. I just want something that's going to make the time pass faster. Do you work out? Do you exercise? I have neck problems. I used to. I'll swim sometimes. I used to swim at the rec center.

That was my move. Wow. Swimming is... I feel like adults don't really know because we kind of go, like, oh, yeah, I know how to swim.

I did it all the time as a kid. Swimming is impossible. It's like the best If you can swim, you're the greatest athlete. I'm not a good swimmer. I don't go quickly

and it's like the rec center is filled world, too. If you can swim, you're like the greatest athlete. I'm not a good swimmer. I don't go quickly. And it's like the rec center is filled with old Asian men who are just speed demons. I don't know where the hell they figured this out. But yeah, it's weird. You're doing laps. You kind of go around people. It's packed. It's closed down.

Do you do the kickflip thing? No. God, no. Are you kidding me? No. I feel like that's a pro move. I'm a city kid. I hate to learn swimming late. I can't believe you didn't know how to swim.

I can't drive, but I can swim. I focus on the wrong shit. When you say you can't drive, you don't have your license and whatnot, but if I threw you the keys to the car, would you not be able to figure it out? I can't drive. It's even worse. I kind of bullshit my way through the test. I don't know if I told you this last time I was here.

No, let it rip. No, I failed twice. Did you take it in Manhattan? In the Bronx. In the Bronx. And then the third time, I got an instructor who was just like, I just opened by going, I failed twice. Please don't fail me.

And she laughed, and I was like, I'm in. That's all it took. That girl was probably like, please don't suck too bad. Yeah, I think when you lower expectations, it's like when you see Chris Rock at the Cellar, he always says, lower your expectations, and he gets a laugh, and you're like, oh, that's smart. Because if he's not good that night, he's like, I told you I wouldn't be good.

So that's what I did with my driver's test. My driver's test got lucky because they had kind of the same thing. I never failed. I passed first time, but mine was in the parking lot. My DMV, the DMV where I grew up in Fall River,

is in the parking lot of a Pub 99. Wow. Which is like, I guess that's a regional thing, right? So it's like a Chili's, Applebee's, one of those things.

And I never left the parking lot. Didn't have to park. Just did a lap around the parking lot. And they were like, all right, you're all set. And I was like, all right, you are. You are. No, Fall River is in Massachusetts. Oh, Massachusetts.

But it's probably going on in Florida, too. Remember during the pandemic when they just gave everybody licenses? Oh, yeah. In the very beginning. Did they really? Georgia and Mississippi were like, if you had your driver's license test scheduled, this was like peak hysteria. And even down there,

the people who were at least playing by the rules, they were like, fuck it, you all got your license. And then in a month when things kind of calmed down, they were like, actually, you gotta return that. And I was like, yeah, fucking right. Good luck with that. I'll just bring back my license and we can take the test.

My girlfriend was worrying during the pandemic where she was like, well, you don't have a license. You need me in the pandemic because if shit gets really bad, we've got to drive out. You can't call an Uber. That's what she would say to me. You need me, bitch. Well, if shit's getting really bad, do you think we're making it far anyway?

Do you think me guarding you with my frame? I'm one of the first ones dead from the zombies. I've always said, man, if there's a zombie apocalypse, I'm not even trying to survive. Find a way to kill myself and be done with it. I complain about a bad hotel room. You think I'm going to last long when zombies... I've been on the road a lot, and it's been like... Some weekends are great, and then other weekends you're like, this is...

Because people are like, the road, that must be hard. hard and you're like it's not unless things are horrible yeah that's usually how things work i kind of like it but then oh yeah i would like the road i feel like it's fucking fun well i feel like i would like you know like new york miami chicago la but when i see you know you guys sometimes are in like i don't know just places I've never even heard of. Literally cities I've never even heard of. I know. Well, that's like you kind of want to build up in those cities. Yeah, you know, it makes sense.

And you're like, all right, well, I'm in Toledo, Ohio to work on my act. No offense, guys. They've got to know. Toledo, Ohio has to know. And then we're in Boston, Massachusetts to bring the heat. Yeah. This is where I'm making the money. You actually posted a video just the other day where you were talking about

Chappelle, and you were like, if Chappelle gets canceled, he's playing here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone screamed out, what do you think about Dave Chappelle being canceled? And I said, he just played in Arena yesterday. He got $20 million for Netflix. And I said, if he's canceled, he's playing this shithole in Indianapolis. Right to their fucking faces. But they all applauded because they're like, yeah.

But I mean, look, the club is actually, it's a good club in Indianapolis. Right to their fucking faces. But they all applauded because they're like, yeah, but I mean, look, the club is actually, it's a good club in Indianapolis, but I'm like, if Chappelle's here, shit went horribly wrong. Well, even in Chappelle's special, he was like, I chose Detroit because I fucking ragged on you guys so hard for the last like 20 years. I figured I owe you back. Yeah, those cities have got to know that they have never once seen

like a comedian's real act. They're always getting the workout material. What I do know is I do over an hour there, so I give them at least 50 of A, and then I'll try out 20 or 25 at the end. That's generous. They do deserve the same show. They're subhuman. What are you talking about?

They don't deserve rights. That I almost feel like when you go to a comedy show and you kind of get that is almost sometimes, like, better. Oh, I love it. You get a better show in the club because I think it's more fun to watch the comedian figure shit out. Yeah. I would rather watch a comedian work on stuff than just play. Me too. Because I'll play my best jokes, too.

I want them to see a good show. Yeah. And I'll even, like, take requests at the end if someone's, like, do a bit on this. I'm like, oh, let's do it. Right best jokes, too. I want them to see a good show. And I'll even take requests at the end if someone's like, do a bit on this. I'm like, oh, let's do it. When we saw him, he had his paper out, and it was like, oh, this is cool to watch someone at work. You were playing in a hotel nearby.

Yeah, during the peak pandemic. Not a hotel. Whatever it was. I forget. It felt like a hotel. Yeah, you're right. It was a hotel. No, that spot ruled.

And that was fucking awesome. You'd have to go back to the chair. Shout out to Nancy in hospitality. Man, she ran that place. She ruled. She was so cool. And I think that was the first time we saw Rachel Feinstein open for him. She was just in yesterday.

Yeah, she's the best. Her and Jessica Kirkson. It was wild. I lived with Rachel for a minute. It was wild. Really? Yeah. During one summer, Amy Schumer was like, I'm filming a movie. minute. Yeah. We, we, uh, during one summer,

Amy Schumer, uh, was like, I'm filming a movie. Do you guys want to just say, I was moving anyway. She knew I was moving. So she was like, Rachel was just staying in her massive home. And she was like, do you want to just stay in my home? So I was just living with Rachel for like, you were living with Rachel in Amy Schumer's home. I was like, this is the show right here. It's like entourage, but we're like failures. And Vinny Chase is just never in the show. That's the show. How long did you do that?

Ended up being like a couple months. Holy shit. But yeah, Rachel and I, like I would just, Amy had a huge bar in her home. So we would just be getting like day drunk. And I remember like I would be, Rachel would be like, you know, she was going through a breakup at the time, and I remember I'd call her into the kitchen. I'd be like, Rachel, I need to talk to you. It's really important. And she'd be like,

I know it's not important. It's an emergency. And then she'd come in. I'd be like, let's get drunk. We would just get day drunk. It was one of the most fun. Bro, that sounds awesome. I'd gladly take that right now. No, she was the best, man. We had a great, great time. This was in LA, I'm assuming? No, it was in New York. Yeah, it sounds really... I'd gladly take that right now. No, she was the best, man. No, we had a great, great time.

This is in L.A., I'm assuming? No, it was in New York. Oh, New York. Yeah, yeah. She had, like, a bomb-ass spot in New York. It was great. Wow. It was actually...

You know where it was? Have you seen Only Murders in the Building? Yeah. It was that building. Wow. Oh, no shit. Literally? Or you mean, like, a place like that?

No, it was... I think it's where they shot it. Yeah. It looks like where they... At least where the entrance is. That place is fucking sick. Yeah, yeah. That show is pretty fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of fallen off it, but it was, it is good. I'm going to finish it at some point. Every show drags a little now. It does. But it's still great. It's Martin Short. Every show is six episodes, bro.

It's actually just an eight hour movie. Everything is. Well, in the middle, this movie's boring. Yeah, I know. They don't make eight hour movies. They make them two for a fucking reason. But it's what, it's like a 10 episode deal, so they have to do, I'm like, this would be a perfect eight. Yeah, right. Yeah. They don't make eight-hour movies. They make them two for a fucking reason. But it's what, it's like a 10-episode deal so they have to do,

I'm like, this would be a perfect eight. Yes. Right. Everything. A 10 usually should be an eight and an eight should usually be a six.

Yeah. And then honestly, everything should be a four. That's what I say in Cincinnati too. You said you've been like complaining, not complaining,

but you said you've been on the road and like good days are good or good trips are good. Where do you stay now? Like I feel like you're kind of, you're in nice hotels now. Well, it depends.

I mean, we did a gig. I was with my buddy Gary Veeder, who's one of my best friends. We went to do the road together. I've known Gary for like 15 years. I met him at an open mic on 34th Street at a place called Maui Taco. And Gary had great jokes as a young comic because he was just a pure joke writer. He has jokes where it's like he had a joke right when Caitlyn Jenner was transitioning. And he said, had you heard about Caitlyn Jenner's transition?

He goes, oh, I'm only on season two. Like Kardashian jokes. These are great, quick one-liners. Or he'd be like, or he'd have jokes like how his wife told him she doesn't think Tom Brady's attractive. And he goes, she thinks she can't find the beauty in Tom Brady, but she could find the beauty in me. And that's when I knew she's not to be trusted. Just great one liner. So, you know, he's up there and he's bombing.

No one's listening to the mic. And I'm noticing, I'm like, these are good jokes, but you're so jaded from doing the mic. So you're just kind of like tired and you don't, you have nothing. And it's on us for not being more supportive. You should always be supportive of those things. But I was just kind of spacing out and I was like writing my notes down. And Gary looks at me, I was like 20 or something,

maybe 19. Gary's like, look at this asshole. He's not even paying attention. Everyone's like, what the, like, I was like,

sorry, shit. The next night I ran a show with another comic and my, the other comic, I ran it with book Gary. So he just goes, Hey, sorry about that. I was like, Oh, other comic, I ran it with Book Gary. So he just goes, hey, sorry about that. I was like, oh, I get it. We're doing the mics.

And Gary and I are in St. Louis, and first night, the hotel, I usually do buyouts now where they just give you money for the hotel. Wait, what does that mean? That means they just give you money and you book your own hotel. Oh, got it. But then sometimes they're like, here's a hotel that it's really, trust us, it's really good. There's like a severed head behind the bed. But no, you get in there and it looked really nice from the outside.

And some of these hotels, like I'd stayed in before the pandemic and they've gotten way worse. Like the hotel staff is phoning it in. That's the thing is it's understaffed. Yeah. You know? Right. So we get into this hotel, and Gary immediately... First off, I'm like, I remember staying in a way nicer room last time I was here.

So I called the front desk. I'm like, is there a bigger, nicer... Suite or something? Yeah, yeah, we'll work on it. So I move, and I'm like, it's still pretty shitty. And then Gary calls me. He's like, there's pubes on my bed. I was going to say, I do remember that.

Didn't he have his phone out? He was inspecting it. Yes, I saw that on Instagram. Like the way the nurse used to look for lice. He was looking for pubes in his hotel bed. And he called the front desk, and he was like, hey, can I get a better room? And the guy's like, maybe. He just said maybe, which is such a great response.

He goes, there's pubes in my bed. He goes, well, I hope this one's not. He couldn't even guarantee it. And it's kind of the state of the country, right? Right. So then Gary's in the next room, and he's like, ah, this one kind of sucks, too. And I was like, yeah, we should just get a different hotel. So we moved to the next.

Everything goes wrong this weekend. Like, the first night we're in the club, and, you know, we're tired from changing the rooms and stuff. So then we changed hotels, too. So I closed the door, and Gary's on stage for the bathroom. I'm in the bathroom. It's a sliding door. The door's just locked. It won't unlock.

So I'm just like, can you unlock the – can someone unlock this? And no one's there. So I look through my itinerary. I start texting the club manager. I'm like, can you guys get me out of here? Out of the bathroom? And I'm like, I don't know what to do. So they come, and they're like, it won't open.

And I'm like, well, he's calling my name. I've got to get out of there. So Gary's literally going, Sam Morrell. And they're like, what the hell? And I'm like, well, he's calling my name. I got to get out of there. So Gary's literally going, Sam Morrell. And they're like, what the hell? And I'm like, well, what do we do? And I was like, can I kick the door in? Do you care if I kick the door in? Did you do it?

I did it. Yeah? How many kicks? Well, it was one kick. Did you do it, like, straight on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, like, 80s cop. Like, what the fuck is up?

Like, I did that, but it wasn't as cool as I thought it would be. Like, I just kicked it once. And it's a sliding door, so the lock just fell off. The door fell off. The door handle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it wasn't like I kicked the door down. You just kicked the handle out. I kicked the handle out, and then the guy just slid it open.

This is kind of a bummer, you know? And then I went out there, and then the next night, I get fucking food poisoning. It's my fault. I ordered rainbow trout at a restaurant in St. Louis. St. Louis, as we all know, is known for their seafood. Zero sympathy for you, bro. No, I know, I deserve it. Zero.

I thought I was going to shit my pants in the Uber to the club. So I'm in the Uber to the club and the driver, like, he's like kind of swerving and stopping. And Gary sees me like, dude, are you okay? And I'm like, I might not make it to the club. And he's like, you're going to shit yourself? And I was like, I's, like, kind of swerving and stopping. And Gary sees me, like, dude, are you okay? And I'm, like, I might not make it to the club. And he's, like, you're going to shit yourself?

And I was, like, I might, dude. It's, like, a low point. And then the driver. That's the shit yourself feeling when it's not like I had to go to the bathroom. Like, I'm going to shit myself. And you know you're, like, 20, 30 minutes away from destination. I'm too old for this. It happened to me on the school bus when I was a little kid.

That's the last time it happened to me. I was, I think, in first grade. And I was in Midtown traffic. And I was like, ah, ah. And I just went. And I remember one of the kids goes, there's no way he went. And another kid touched my butt. He goes, he ain't lying.

That was, I crapped myself in Midtown on the school bus. Ah! I was seven. You had, like, lumpy poop in your butt? Yeah. Did you feel it? Yeah. What a weirdo to touch someone else's shit.

But oh my, he ain't lying. Yeah, and then we went to my friend's. The title of your next special, he ain't lying. Oh my God. We went to my friend's house and his mom had to like clean me out in the shower. And she was French and she kept going, dirty, dirty boy. Dirty. I was like, I'm sorry.

I tried. How old are you? Like six, seven years old? Dirty, dirty boy. And she's smoking a cigarette. I've seen a video like that before. Yeah, I'm sorry. And you're like, how old are you? Like six, seven years old at one point? And then I've seen a video like that before. I used to have stomach problems. So I like, yeah, I remember like. There's something always wrong with your people. We got a guy here who's Italian and it's just stunning.

He's not Jewish and he's always got a sinus infection or an allergy or something. He's scared to drive on the highway. We're basically weak Italians. got a sinus infection or an allergy or something. He's scared to drive on the highway. He's scared to drive on the highway. We're basically weak Italians. That's what we are. I always say Italians are Jews without money. Similar moms, right? Yes, absolutely.

Helicopter moms. Yep, big time. Always want you to find a nice girl of your kind and always make sure you're fed and happy. It's funny. They always act like they're progressive, but they're always like, is she different? Like, that's the first question.

Then kick her out, yeah. The only difference is, I feel like the Italians, like, you know, smother their kids, where your parents will from, like, September to May, and then in June, July, August, they just ship you out to camp. They're just like, see you fucking later. That is true, but my mom is still like, I got a doctor's appointment yesterday. She's like, call me immediately after.

I'm like, it's not going to make a difference on the diagnosis, you know? You know, yeah. And I'm like, it's not that serious. What special is it of yours when you're like, you say you're talking on the phone with your mom, and you're like, oh, a dead bird. True story. Don't touch it. True story.

I was on the phone with my mom. We saw a dead pigeon, and I said, ugh, dead bird right here. I don't even know why I said that. A lot of my mom goes, don't touch it. True story. I was on the phone with my mom. We saw a dead pigeon, and I said, ugh, dead bird right here. I don't even know why I said that. A lot of my mom goes, don't touch it. And I was like, what do you think I'm doing when you're not around? I was going to eat it for dinner, Ma. So what happened, so I'm in the car, the Uber, going to the club, and I don't think I'm going to make it.

And Gary's like, I feel kind of sick, too. I'm like, cool, kind of sick. I'm going to shit my pants in the car. And the driver turns around, and he goes, oh, man, I I'm like, cool, kind of sick. I'm going to shit my pants in the car. And the driver turns around and he goes, oh man, I was there yesterday, man. Flamin' Hot Cheetos. I turned my toilet seat pink. And I'm just like, why are you telling me this? It's not helping.

I said, dude, that's not helping. I'm like, ah. And we finally get there. I waddled in. I run into the club. I barely make it to the toilet. It's the broken door that I slide. Gary sees I'm struggling.

He hands a bottle of Mylanta through the broken door. What a friend. But then I'm like, dude, this is like heartburn. Yeah. So then they went out and got me. Either that or it's also too late at this point, man. Well, it wasn't. He had to do extra time because I didn't think I could make it on stage.

I was in that much pain. And then Gary. And then you were able to do a set? I mean, the first 20 minutes hurt, and then I kind of like the Pepto kind of kicked in. Yeah, shit. He did the same thing with the Pepto through the little door. But yeah, no, it was tough. So some weekends like that, you're just like, oh, man, nothing's going right.

But the crowds were amazing in St. Louis. There were such good crowds. But yeah, it was. The rainbow trout is. There were such good crowds. But yeah, it was... The rainbow trout is... It's a crazy move. I guess you can see the water, but it's the Mississippi River. Well, we ate barbecue the day before, and it was so heavy that I was like, let me go light. The barbecue in St. Louis is so good.

Yeah, but you gotta go light. Get like a salad or, I don't know, a grilled chicken. Not a fucking rainbow trout. Everything that happens to me, I deserve. I bring it all on me. It's like I feel crappy. And then I retrace my steps, and I'm like, oh, yeah. Look at your lifestyle.

I need to get Pepto in my rider. Some people have, like, M&Ms. Well, these guys do. I'm new to heartburn. And I was just saying the other day, like, the first time I felt it for real. Like Nexium you take? No, I'm just saying, like, just feel it. Like, I'm not even on anything yet for it because it's, like, new to me.

Like, I was able to eat. I haven't even tried that out, that drug. But when it first happened to me, I was like, oh, I'm dying. Like, I need to call, like, the hospital. And then I'm like, oh, no, this is just actually what heartburn is. But him and a couple other guys here on part of my take, you guys have been doing pre-tums forever, right? Before you eat everything, you take a bunch of tums and coat the system.

It's like birth control for men. That's brutal. I walk around with next to you. I have it all, man. I got fucking bad. I went to St. Louis for the first time recently. Didn't eat any seafood while I was there. And I didn't know how dangerous it was. Oh my god, Jefferson County is like,

that's where... Yeah, East St. Louis is like crazy. Jeez, what's his name? The big black guy who got shot by the cop. That was like where... Not... Fuck, what's his name? Oh, Michael...

That's, I mean... Brown, Mike Brown. It was Jefferson County, I think. Ferguson. Ferguson, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Jefferson County's the meth problem. Yeah, that's what it is. Dude, I brought this up. I'm like, I don't know anything about it. No, but no, it was Ferguson, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Jefferson County's the meth problem. Yeah, that's what it is. Dude, I brought this up.

I'm like, I don't know anything about this. No, but no, it was Ferguson, but then Jefferson County's got the meth issue there. I mean, St. Louis. I think it's one of those things where it's like, this side of the street, you know, fine. This side of the street, like, absolutely fucking not. Everyone talks about Chicago, but like St. Louis,

and you look at like Indianapolis is more murders per capita than Chicago. Oh, shit. I didn't know that, but I was like, oh, wow. I, then you look at like Indianapolis is more murders per capita than Chicago. Oh, shit. I didn't know that, but I was like, oh, wow, apparently. I didn't think that was possible. I thought we maxed out murder in Chicago. I didn't think there was any murder left. Indy downtown is sketchy.

That's crazy. I was just in Indy downtown. It's like homeless people that like, it's like a video game. You're like watching them come at you. It doesn't feel like real life. Oh, see, that's Philly. Philly's the same. Yeah.

Dude, Philly, we did a show at where? Helium or the Punch Bar or whatever it's called. And we went to another bar, McGill's or something like that, afterwards. And I had to go to the hotel first to drop off my bag. And the hotel was probably four blocks, we'll call it, from the bar we were going to. And I was walking alone to the bar. And it was, like you said, like a video game. It was exactly like that. It was like a zombie video game And it was, you said like a video game? It was exactly like that.

It was like a zombie video game where it's like you're walking quietly. It's World War, end of World War Z when fucking Brad Pitt's just like quietly walking through being like, they can't even see me. They're kind of rushing past him. And then one homeless guy stops, looks me dead in the eyes,

and he's like, do you have five bucks? And I was like, no. And he goes, man, I'm going to shit myself. And I was like, is that in response to me not having five bucks? Or are you going to plug yourself? What was the $5 for in this situation? And he said, I almost shit myself the other day. Turn that toilet bowl pink.

He was like, thanks. Thanks for telling me. There was also those guys who, like, slow rolled us. Remember that? We were walking together, like, back into the night. The slow roll was so sketchy. They were in, like, a Range Rover. Yeah.

You remember this? Oh, no. I don't remember. I've been drinking a lot at the bar. This is on the way home from the bar. I don't usually remember those trips. They were, like, just, like, you know, rolling along with us. I think they said something about your jacket or my jacket.

Now I do remember. Yeah. I was going to say that. I was, like, blowing my clothes. We're going to get, like, robbed for this guy's jacket right now. We're going to be p. I was going to say that. We're going to get robbed for this guy's jacket right now. We're going to be pussies about it and do it. Here you go. Remember the jacket? It was a black and white jacket. It's so much robbing you for the jacket.

Clearly, they have more to lose. Give them the jacket. In no world would I hesitate to give anyone robbing me anything. I'm such a pussy. I'd be like, here's my jacket. Do you need $60 too? Here's my phone also. Dude, we just interviewed

Kim Coates, who I don't ever watch Sons of Anarchy, but he plays Tig, like the bass. Anyway, I'm restarting Sons of Anarchy. And it's first of all, not as good as I

remember. Second of all, there's like a scene where Jax was Charlie Hunnam and he's like he's kidnapped by the other biker gang and they're like, give us your cut.

And which is just his leather jacket. Never. He's like, you'll have to kill me first. I'm like, here, take the vest. I'll get a new one. I would never stand up for myself ever. The disrespect of this, I can't allow it. I'm like, here, fuck you up.

I will give you all of my clothes and walk home naked. I don't give a shit. Imagine having that much beef with someone that you're like, I won't give you. I'm like, I'll fucking give anyone my clothes. I don't give a shit. Where would you draw the clothing. Where would you draw the line?

Where would you have some self-respect? Oral sex, probably. Oral sex or my life? I'll suck that dick. Are you kidding me? Yeah, what about like... I would suck it, but I'd ask a lot of questions first. I'd be like, when's the last time you showered? Do you trim your pubes?

I wouldn't ask any questions. I'd just unzip his pants and find it all out pretty quickly. Like, all right. And then what if you got down there and there were a bunch of pubes? Like, never mind, dude. Just pull the trigger. You know what I saw? This is where I draw the line on this.

I saw that we, our generation has, like, almost eradicated crabs. Oh, yeah. I heard that before I even had the chance to get crabs. Yeah. I'd heard that. That's crazy that people used to just walk around with fucking lice on their dicks and pussies. And it was just like, you can fix that.

Zoop. There's no little place for them to live anymore. But it wasn't a zoop back then. When was the grrr invented? The clippers? Yeah. I mean, I don't think that's that new. You're probably right. I think electricity

was invented in the 70s, so I'm a bad person to ask this kind of stuff. We were just talking about the 1800s. We had a question the other day where it was like, if you could go back to the 1800s and bring one source of comfort, and what would you bring to blow someone's mind? I said like an anxiety blanket.

But also, I've since realized in like the tweets about that question, the 1800s, I was thinking medieval times. Like we were talking about hunters and gatherers and I had said women

didn't know what their clits were yet. I don't have any concept of time. I have a grandmother who died like 10 years ago. She's alive in the 1800s. That'd be great if you came back from the 1800s. You're like, I've discovered the clit. And they're like, we've got that.

What are you talking about? The only source of joy we have in this fucking hellhole. 1800s? That's like yesterday. Like cars were invented in the 1800s. I just realized that last night. Yeah, but, like, yeah, but they weren't, like, good cars. No, no, I think, like, the Ford Model T was probably, like, 1899.

Was it really? You know, I don't know. I thought it was, like, the early 1900s, but I could be wrong. It probably is, but you know what I'm saying? It's, like, it's not that far off from, like, the... The 1800s really a forgotten century. And what happened in the 1800s? Well, a couple things.

It was a big war. Well, yeah, and it really a forgotten century. What happened in the 1800s? Well, a couple things. It was a big war. Well, yeah, that was a civil war. Yeah, you know, we like, quote unquote, freed an entire, you know, people. The 1700s, we enslaved them, though. That's the one I remember. There was some big ones. What's the most forgotten century? Like, imagine being...

Anything before 1776. In like the 700s. Like, what in, like, the 700s. Like, what the fuck happened in the 700s? Oh, that was the Byzantine Empire. Sure. Damn. Yeah, I remember, what was it? I definitely, like, Babylon.

I definitely, like, thought some of those places were still around for a minute. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, Babylonians. They're still around, right? Oh, no, you know what it was? It was? I was watching a documentary on the Macedonians, and I didn't know Macedonia was still a place, too.

It is right now? Yeah. You could go to Macedonia? Macedonia is still a place. In my head, I was like, well, that was part of the, you know. South America? No. No.

The Greek area, right? Mediterranean? Greek? I think so. Whatever. You guys didn't even know the 700s were the Byzantine Empire. So fuck off. Because it was like the Greek.

I think the Greeks fought the Macedonians and shit. Macedonia. Southeastern Europe. Yeah. Oh, man. I was hoping that was. Macedonia's a place right now. I saw this doc on this woman who made honey.

That's Greece. Greece, yeah. What's that one called? Look up Mesopotamia, honey. Mesopotamia. Oh, Mesopotamia is different from Macedonia No, it's Macedonia rather, sorry It is Macedonia, I fucked up We're talking about all these places and now I'm like

That's old, but it's like part of Greece basically Right, but is it still around today? I couldn't get a flight to Macedonia I could get a flight to Greece and Sam in Macedonia Probably It's almost like, you know what's weird is Romans I mean, I know their empire got big as fuck I get to fight to Greece and Sam in Macedonia probably it's almost like you know what's weird is Romans I mean I know their empire got big as fuck

but like it's Italy it's Italians right? Rome, Romans like you greasy guineas are all just fucking Romans the comments for this are going to be so angry like you dumb fucks you dumb ignorant assholes

Macedonia does exist? shit no that's what I'm saying but I just what's the name of that dock? assholes. Macedonia does exist? Shit. No, that's what I'm saying. What's the name of that doc? Just look up Macedonia honey. Honey documentary. No, it'll come up. It's really fucking good.

Wait, you're a documentary guy? I've got a bone to pick with you then. Why? I think you people have ruined the world. Really? Yeah, documentary watchers. What's it called? Honeyland? Yeah, it's really good. You couldn't think of a honeyland? This woman who works the land to make honey.

I watched it during the pandemic. That felt like 10 years ago. It was like last year. I thought it was going to be in Macedonian or something. Why do you hate documentaries? I just think they're all so bad. I think that they have... I don't think it's bad to like them,

but I think people have to accept the fact... Because everyone who watches a documentary thinks they're the smartest person in the world. Sam, tell us about your documentary you're promoting. See, no, that's very different. I mean, the, like... It's usually, like, the true crime ones. The true crimes is where my thing is. You like the true crime? No, true crime is where my thing is. You like the true crime?

No, no, that's my problem with true crimes. I do have a problem because you know that they're making one about like Brian Laundrie as we speak. They probably already miked up Dog at Netflix, you know? You see Dog went home because of a twisted ankle? That's a bummer. I mean, got to be able to persevere. Is it a bummer or is it kind of like he just gave up? I've twisted my ankle before.

Yeah, but he's like 70. It's time for Dog to hang up the bounty. Time to take Dog behind the woodshed? Yeah. This would have forgiven him for the N-word stuff if he found Brian Laundrie and he didn't. I forgot about the N-word stuff. This really would have been like a swan song for him.

Remember when we were supposed to interview him? The day after all that stuff broke? Really? And we were like, please. Oh, and then you got sick or something, so you weren't even going to come in that day. Yeah. And I was going to have to interview Dog alone.

Like, me and Dog just sitting here ignoring the elephant in the room. Yeah. And thank fucking God his reps had the good sense to be like, you know what? Maybe not. We're not going to do a press tour today. Yeah, well, that's a weird...

He's a character, that guy, because I think he went down for aiding a robbery or something. I think his friend shot someone. Recently? No, in the 70s or something. And then he turned his life around. He was a drug addict and started wearing Navajo jewelry for some reason.

He looks strange. If he doesn't have the hair and the pseudo Hulk Hogan look. He looks like Joan Rivers as a pro wrestler. He looks very weird. Imagine showing someone a picture of Dog and being like, this guy has...

This is his after of turning his life around. This is the after pic. He's gotten really good the last 15 years. You know what's weird about Dog, too, is that guy really, like, he is brave. Because, I mean, he's a bounty hunter. Yeah, he does, too. It's weird that we're all shitting on him when we're like, but then also, like, this

dude is literally, he's collecting bounties. I feel like, you know, I'm sure when the show became successful, he just became a TV star basically. But, you know, I think he was fucking hunting some bounty, like some bad people, you know, like before. Was he? Like, I don't think you get this show if you're not, like, a pretty effective bounty hunter. I don't know. Maybe. He definitely might be.

I watch a lot of those. Do you ever watch, like, Homicide Hunter on Investigation Discovery channel? No. Oh, dude. It's a great channel, though. Dude, this guy is a retired cop from Colorado Springs, and he is just so full of himself. It's so funny. His name is Lieutenant Joe Kenda.

He literally has catchphrases and sells mugs with the catchphrases. And, like, his life's insane. Like, he solved a shitload of mysteries and stuff, and he's, like, a dark dude. And, oh, man, like, he just will come on, and his life's insane. He's solved a shitload of mysteries and stuff, and he's a dark dude. Oh, man, he just will come on, and he's so proud. First off, for the dramatizations, they get this young hunk to play him. He's like a fat bag of shit.

No, he looks fine, but he's just old. It's just hilarious to be like, who should we catch? We're like, let's get this Chris Hemsworth-looking motherfucker to play me. And then he comes on, and he's just like, he turns to the camera and always goes, my, my, my. Is that when he comes up with a clue? That's like the cutaway? And then he'll say things like, he was a rat, and that's when I knew I had to put him in a cage.

It's a pretty good show. I mean, I'm sold. If you like murder, you probably wouldn't like it, but it's pretty good. No, I'm in. I'm still in on the true crime stuff. I also don probably wouldn't like it, but it's pretty good. No, I'm in. I'm still in on the true crime stuff. I also don't. I like it. I feel like it's almost like guys who complain about The Bachelor, and then the girl makes

them watch it, and like, oh, this is actually really entertaining. Exactly. I just have the free will to not put it on, but if someone put it on and was like, sit down, I'd be like, ah, fuck. Well, you've seen The Jinx, right? Jinx, I say, is the last good one because it's the last one I watched. It's the first one. It's the best one.

But, like, dude. No, Jinx was after Breaking the Murderer. No. It was before. It wasn't really? Yeah, but you know. It was the first one that, like, became a thing, I think. I do feel guilt when you realize that these are, like, these are human lives.

I know. Because you forget, and you're just eating, like, Pad Thai. And you're, like, past the dumplings. And they're, like, and her body was eating like pad thai, and you're like, pass the dumplings, and they're like, and her body was never recovered. You're like, oh, all right. At least those are usually like,

long time ago, cold cases. When the Gabby Petito shit started, I was like tweeting fucking jokes and things, and I was like, oh, fuck, this girl's like dead, you know?

At one point, I was insinuating that he, that she was in on it, and they were Bonnie and Clyde. And I was like, I might need to delete this, because she's a dead girl. Well, yeah, I mean, that's the thing, was like, I might need to delete this. She's a dead girl. That's the thing.

No one wants to go bald at 23, but you can't just strangle your girlfriend. That's fucked up. Strangling is tough. Horrible. Did you see the picture of New York Post we did today? I think we hope they find him. I don't want to divide the studio

here, guys. I hope Brian La him. I don't want to divide the studio here, guys, but I hope they solve... I hope Ryan Laundrie is scot-free. Oh, really? I hope they solve the murder. They tweeted a picture today. Have you seen I Think You Should Leave on Netflix? Oh, he's brilliant. Unbelievable. I think Tim Robinson's like the funniest dude. Oh,

unbelievable. And him with Sam Richardson together, they're just gold. But this tweet looks like, I think from season one, where they have the gorilla that'll rip your hair off for the wigs. So the New York Post has tweeted, Brian Laundrie may look different now, according to Internet sleuths. Which is so fucked up, all the people being like, oh, I saw him in Canada, I saw him in Michigan.

Shut up, let the people do their work. But that looks like one of the wigs from that shit. It's like we just put him on. Is that like a computer composite? This is what he might look like with hair. He doesn't look like a murderer anymore. He looks like he knows about artisanal cheese. No, you know, that guy.

It's like a broke boy's salte. It's like Gone Girl, right? Where you're just like, oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I're just like oh shit By the way They're saying that he's wearing like a wig I think so He wouldn't have grown that much fucking hair He wasn't a 23 year old who would have

Willingly had a shaved head He's incapable of growing hair So yes The man on the run might be wearing a wig He's got a beard Dude if he puts on a. Shave the beard, too. Dude, if he puts on a hat, shaves the beard, and does, like, if he grows in the little, like, bald ring, like, nobody will ever recognize him.

That's the true thing. If you saw him walking down the street, yeah. He could walk in here right now. That'll hurt him more than anything. That'll hurt him more than finding him, calling him a forgettable white. You're forgettable, Brian. No, he... He sees the wanted poster.

He turns himself in, just like, get rid of this. I can't have that out there. No, he's... It's going to be a crazy true crime because there's so much we probably don't know about it, too. And that's the fucked up thing

is that you know that there's going to be... Like the way Netflix and Hulu both had a fire festival. Yeah, yeah. You know there's going to be multiple multiple because it's such a big story. Absolutely. And you're right. They're all working on it right now.

And I follow this guy, Brian Enten, who is a reporter, I'm guessing. And he has made himself the like premier reporter for this shit. He has been outside their house. It's so fucking behind the Brian Laundrie's parents. Yeah. Yeah. By Brian Laundrie's house. Yeah, by Brian Laundrie's house It's been like a month now

I think he thought, you know, I'm gonna stake it out for a week Oh, definitely You think they helped hide him? Or do you think he just said, I'm getting out of here And they were like, I don't wanna know It was either, I don't wanna know Or like, we won't say anything I don't know if they like, helped him get out of there

But I feel like Or, my thought is, he never went home at all Yeah Nobody like, or my thought is he never went home at all. Nobody actually saw him. There's no other reports other than his parents, and his parents were like, we saw him on Friday, and then it was like, oh, no, wait, actually, we saw him on Tuesday. It's like, I don't think... How do you fuck that up?

Those are the two most opposite days possible. I was having a great time. I don't remember if you saw your son. It's also like, I love when the dad was like, we're going to join the search. That's like when I told my mom I was going a great time. I don't remember if you saw your son. Dude, it's also like, I love when the dad was like, we're going to join the search. I'm like, that's like when I told my mom I was going to help her find weed. I'm like, we should look for the rest of this together, Mom. We've got to get to the bottom of this.

Could you imagine that? You find him, and you're like, nope, nothing over here. All clear. All clear. What would you do if you were Brian Laundrie's dad? It's tough because I think my mom would turn me in. I think she loves me, but I think she would be like, you fucking broke the law.

I think she would be heartbroken, but she'd turn me in. My mom would. My mom told us. It's not. I don't think. My mom would tell us every day. If you commit a crime, I will turn you in. Okay, but if you were like, let's say you hit somebody with a car,

and you're not drunk driving. Let's say you're like.08 or.something, but it's not bad. You weren't really doing anything reckless or bad. Somebody jumps out on the street, hits you, you hit them, dead. They should turn you in for that? They're struggling. You just have to put them out of their misery. Go shh. Yeah. Shh.

Like fucking what's- You didn't do anything wrong. It just gets darker and darker. Maybe you have sex with them afterwards because you're bored. I don't know. What up?

Like Spacey at the start of House of Cards. The, I wouldn't, I have no reservation that she would turn me in. Yeah, I feel like my parents, my mom would.

You got to turn them in. My mom's pretty ride or die. It's painful to say, but you got to do it, because they're a murderer. If they don't turn themselves in, then they feel no remorse, and they'll probably do it again. Also, you have to just accept that point and be like, well, I fucked up as a parent. Why not? So maybe it's time to let someone else in charge of this kid for a while. I think that what fucks him, too, is the strangulation.

There's no, you know, I was thinking, like, they got in a fight, and he pushes her, and she, like, slips on a rock and hits her head, and it was like, oh, fuck. A victimless crime. Something that was maybe, you know. That could happen to anybody you threw off a cliff I just smashed her head and I held it down in the river for a little while

you called her a stupid bitch before you did it an accident no but just you know just being like watching the life

go out of someone like there's no way around that that's very murdery he deserves to he deserves to rot in a cage and I'm gonna put him there

you know what honestly he deserves is to like live in the swamps of Florida He deserves to ride in a cage and I'm going to put him there. You know what honestly he deserves? To live in the swamps of Florida. Just fucking let him go. His life's probably worse than being in a prison. Not even kidding. I'll tell you, the Everglades? He'd rather live in an alligator-filled marsh or just be in a place to get meals.

It's not that much better. Have you been to Orlando? Being on the run in Florida or just in Florida, better than fucking prison. If he's in the Everglades, they said there's no way he's alive. That's a pretty fucked up. Just the fear of having to be like, oh, am I going to get eaten by an alligator or something? Right. That's why I don't think he was ever there, man.

I swear. I think he stayed out. I think he's still fucking out in Wyoming or wherever it was. He's probably too much of a coward to ever... That's why some people think he killed himself. I'm like,

I don't think you would lawyer up and do all that shit if you're going to just end up killing yourself. Yeah, I don't know. If you kill yourself, what's the point of hiding? That's what I'm saying.

I don't know. We're going to crack the next episode. The lesson here. The lesson here, man. This episode goes on for 45 more minutes so three of us are still silent. What do you think? I don't know. The lesson here. The lesson here, man. This episode goes on for 45 more minutes. I don't know, man. What do you think?

I don't know. I got it. I feel like that's the type of detective I would be. I'd be like, I got it. And I'm like, oh, fuck, I forgot. What was I going to say? He did. I'll do that with TV shows.

I was doing that with The Only Murders in the Building the other day where I was like, I know what happened. And then I was excited to text my girlfriend to tell her. And then I was like, ah, I forgot what I was going to say. I got all excited. I was like, ah, I don't know. I'm tired. I feel like that's the type of cop I'd be like, I'm tired.

You see all those movies, the cops work themselves on the ground, they never take a break. I'd be the opposite cop. I'd be like, what is it? It's five. I'm going to go. It's quitting time, man. I always think about that. I don't think about it in real life, because I don't know everything about real life, but in TV shows and movies, when the cops are

just like, they just go home. I'm like, this dude's killed eight women in the last 48 hours. I'm home! And if he's following his timeline of escalation, while you sleep, he's gonna kill three more. Look, you need to sleep.

The human body needs to sleep. But there's no one else working on this while you're taking a nap? Somebody pick up the baton and run with it, maybe? You didn't tell Rick to step in for like, I'm going to go catch some Z's. Rick, how about you work on this? This is what I got so far. The guy just grabbed their jacket off the back of their chair. Well, like, how about

the Gyllenhaal movie, Guilty? Like, if you were working the phone. It's a new Netflix movie. Is it good? I think it's good, but when I tweeted about it, a lot of people were like, that movie fucking sucks. It's an hour and a half. Really visceral.

All hour and a half movies are good. So that's why I think it's good. He's a, what do they call it, dispatch? Yeah. When he's taking the 911 calls, because he's like, you find out he's been suspended for something basically. Like the opposite of Nightcrawler, basically. Yeah, literally.

But he's, so it's the whole movie is just him in like the call center, and it's just like camera on him. And I think he does a great job of acting. But this woman calls, and he's been kidnapped. He basically like investigates the whole story just through like phone numbers and shit like that. I'm like, I don't know if I would have. I would have just been like, oh, well, we got disconnected.

That's it for me. You ever see that movie with Tom Hardy, Locke? No. No. Is that the one where he's a twin? No, the whole movie is him on the phone in a car. That's the whole movie. Wow.

And it's like a play where, like, literally every call you keep finding shit out. Yeah. That's pretty cool. It's really good. He's one of the only guys that could pull that off too. Dude, he's incredible. That's got to be a fucking...

I'm not gozzling. Fucking Ryan Reynolds did that. Ryan Reynolds does a whole movie. Van Wilder. That was one of them. No, this was his first one where people were like, oh, this guy might be able

to actually act. What was that? Buried. He gets buried alive. And that was good? I thought that was... I saw it in theaters once. I've never gone back to it.

Isn't that kind of what, like, Kill Bill 2 was, though? She's just, like, buried? I don't know if I've seen Kill Bill 2. It's Kill Bill 2. I think the Ryan Reynolds one's, like, it's literally just him in the coffin the whole time. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has a phone.

It's a cool... I like when movies do weird ideas like that. Because so many movies, you're like, I've seen this a million fucking times. Yes, exactly. At least it's different. Oh, it's got an 87% Rotten Tomatoes that's no joke

that's cool what's the critics oh that's probably I think they give you the critics on Rotten Tomatoes they give you both sides no

oh I just like googled it audience 65 see that's what I mean those scare me high critics low audience scare me

and low critics high audience is like the best movie of all time. What is it? The Nanette Effect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like 100 critics and then like 27 audience or something.

Saving Silverman, man. There's like a 75% difference. Oh, really? Because the audience is like fucking awesome. I thought that was funny. I remember like, great, great movie. I think it's a comedic classic. Yeah, Jack Black, he doesn't miss much.

Did you see our beef with John Cusack this week? I saw like a second of it. So was it you? No, no. Well, I say our. I just mean in Barcelona. It was a Chicago White Sox fan. Someone said it was you.

And I was like, what, Kevin? I saw for a second. I wish. So you guys. Our White Sox fan. I saw a clip. And he's just like, you don't know this person. Yes, that's what happened.

He was clearly drunk, wasn't he? There's no way he was sober. It was after the game, so who knows. That was after the game? Yeah. I think it was before the game, too. Really? Yeah, I think it was before the game.

Huh, even worse. That's even more absurd, because then they probably weren't drunk. I thought it was like after. There's no way he was sober for that. Well, you know what? Were you on the rundown when we found out? So the reason why this all even happened, so long story short, our White Sox guy,

he hates when people root for the White Sox and the Cubs. Same thing here, if you're like a Mets and Yankees fan. And Cusack does that? So Cusack says he's a big White Sox fan, but then like when the Cubs were winning the World Series and shit, he had on at the stadium, cheering and rooting. So our guy was like... I don't hate it only because he's from Chicago and the Cubs.

Like, here's the thing. I'm a Yankees fan, but I do like the Mets. That's the thing. It's like, I wouldn't wear a Mets hat. I know I'm going to piss you off here if you're a big Mets fan. But, like, I grew up, like, loving Piazza and Todd Hundley and fucking... Why? Why?

Because I... I think it's easy for a Yankee fan to like the Mets. It is. Well, that's the other thing. If we were, like, dominating for your whole childhood, and there were, like, Mets fans in school fucking crushing your... I grew up a Yankees fan because of my grandfather. Like, I would literally watch games on his lap.

Yeah. As, like, a fucking four-year-old. So it was, like, Mattingly and, like, all those cool... Yeah, and that... So I... Usually people take that and just run with it. I run with it, but, like, I just – I always liked Al Leiter on the Mets. I kind of always liked their players.

Well, what's funny is it's like that's – And he played for the Yankees in the end. It should be totally kind of acceptable, but I don't know. It's a mental illness, sports fans, is where it's like, fuck you, you're not allowed to do this. I'm a Giants fan, but I like the Jets. No, you're just out then. You're just out.

You're just not a good example of this. I'm sorry. No, I mean, here's the thing. I liked all those fucking Edgardo Alfonso. I loved all those guys growing up. I mean, I just, yeah, I don't know. It's probably weird, but I'm just like, I'm a New Yorker. I can't ever root for the Brooklyn Nets.

That's kind of where it goes. That's where you draw it. But see, that's the thing. You're a Knicks fan. You're like, I feel like you're way more of a Knicks fan than you are a Yankees fan. Right? Well, here's the thing. I mean, I feel like even just knowing you,

you talk about the Knicks. You live the Knicks. I live the Knicks. But in the 90s, the Yankees was like one of my favorite teams ever. Well, that was cake, man. I mean, Posada was like my guy. You guys were, how old were you at that point? When we won the first one, I was 10.

So you're like living your childhood through a New York dynasty. This is a Jewish celebration. We couldn't drink alcohol. We were kids, me and my brother. We'd take seltzer bottles and we'd shake them up and spray them like they're champagne as kids. But yeah, we loved, like, you know, Paul O'Neill was the fucking coolest player. They were a great, obviously, very good, but they were also cool.

Bernie Williams, fucking Tino. Before they, like, sold out and it was just like the A-Rods and Jambis. Bob's was a fucking alcoholic who just couldn't not get on base. It's insane that he drank himself into a stupor. And then with that, like 360. They did that Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode. It was so funny. Boggs was the man.

Dude, I loved all those guys. Peter, Mariano. Paul O'Neill was my mom's least favorite. My mom's not a big sports fan, but my mom would scream at the TV at Paul O'Neill because my mom's maiden name is O'Neill, and she spells it with one L. Yeah. She spells it weird.

Apparently that's the regal way. And an I. What do you think? You're a fucking king? You think you're better than me? You think you're a king, Paul? She didn't even know what Paul O'Neill did.

The whole family's successful. The sister's a chef. Oh, yeah? Molly O'Neill. Molly O'Neill and Paul O'Neill and Paul O'Neill. Paul O'Neill was a fucking beast, and he's great on Seinfeld. That's a great episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, the 90s. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I go against what you believe in here. But what was so funny is Cusack stepping up, like you said, and being like, who was the first baseman in 1983? Do you know Lamar Hoyt? Do you know this? Do you know that?

And I guess the whole reason it happened was that dude, White Sox Dave's cameraman and producer, saw this smoking hot shit. Sorry, I just Googled this for the first time. I never knew what the, like, what do you think you're a king, O'Neal, really meant. I thought she was just a crazy old woman. The O'Neals with two L's are descendants of King Nile, who was a warrior king in the 4th century. Wow. My mom was still really fucking pissed about that.

Wow. Sorry to interrupt. She's a psychopath, man. That's the first time I've ever looked that up. She's a wild woman, dude. That Seinfeld with Paul O'Neill is fucking amazing. But see, it's no Keith Hernandez. That's the greatest baseball cameo.

He's a great cameo, yeah. But the guy's producers saw this unbelievably gorgeous chick, just smoking hot, and it was Cusack's girl. So Cusack had this super hot chick on his arm, and so this little hornball producer's like, oh, my God, who's that girl? And he's like, oh, my God, that's John Cusack. And he knows this guy's had this long-running rivalry in his head with him.

And he's like, you've got to go after him. You've got to get on his face. Because he doesn't like that he plays both sides. Yes. See, here's the thing. I would never wear a Mets hat or something. Yeah, that's what's tough. I wear Yankees hats.

I'll never wear a Jets jersey. Yeah. And if the Mets were in the World Series, would you be front row, wearing the gear, cheering it on? Hell no. And if you do do that, then you can't turn around and claim to be a White Sox fan. No, I would never do that. All I'm saying is I would be happy if the Mets win a World Series. That's kind of where it ends for me.

But you'd be in a cute way. Like, oh, good for you guys. Oh, you guys got one. That's nice. But if we had like a five-year dynasty, five out of six years we won, and I was talking shit and I was an obnoxious Mets fan the whole time, would you still be happy for me? I don't know. You'd probably grow to hate me. It's tough.

Because that was why I hate all you guys. Well, here's the thing. Yeah, here's the thing. I would never, I think I can't wear other teams' merch. That's just not how I, like, I had a publicist, and he was like, I'm a Rangers fan, the New York Rangers. You know, I'm not a huge hockey guy, but I root for the Rangers. That's how it's always been since I was a kid.

I love Messier. I love those guys. And he was like, I'll get you. He's like, I guess the Islanders were really struggling to attract celebrity attention, because they made it all the way down to me. And they were like, it was a playoff game, too. They're like, do you want ice side seats?

Right by the ice, do you want? And they'll give you a custom jersey with Morel on the back and and you're on the screen i was like what is that like fucking nasa or something yeah he was like yeah and i was like when am i gonna wear an islanders jersey i'm a rain if the rangers do that i'll do that he's like yeah the rangers list as well i'm like all right well then yeah the rangers a little full they got margot robbie tonight i was gonna say they got the islanders man got jimmy fallon going down the list being like uh all right, Sam Morrell.

Either Sam Morrell or Saddam Hussein. What the hell? He's dead, right? All right, go for Morrell. Oh, my God. Yeah, DiCaprio said no, so we're on to Sam. That's fucking great, man. Well, yeah, I just can't wear the other team's merch.

No, I get that. Yeah, you're right. The Knicks, I'm the most hardcore about. And the Yankees and the Giants, I feel like I kind of nutted for life. The Giants beating the Patriots, I'm like, oh, I don't care if they ever win again. And they won't after last week. That was rough. It's a good thing you feel that way because it's not happening.

They literally went. That was like Lord of the Flies. The amount of them that died. They went down. And beating Brady twice is hilarious because he's the best of all time. And Eli beat him twice. So I'm good for life. The Yankees, I'm like

growing up with that team was the coolest thing ever. But you never really got one with the Yankees because I'm from Boston. My championship run was like that perfect time. It started when I was like 17, went until I was 30, probably, give or take. And that was like I could drink. I could party. With the Yankees, you never really got that, right?

But also, it's equally different, but having that as a kid. As a kid was pretty cool. Yeah. You know, it's like. If it wasn't for the Yankees you'll probably never stand up we were one of the Yankees

I can do fucking anything yeah it does give you confidence but also I see these kids growing up in Boston now and it's like

they don't know what it's like to lose all these teams have been so good now they have like you know they're finally losing a little bit

and they're just like what the fuck they just jumped to the Bucs there's room for Brady. Sons of bitches. We haven't started losing yet. Last year, brother.

You always know a kid growing up like that. A friend who was like I'm not a fair weather fan. I just root for Shaq. You follow the biggest, most dominant force in sports history. I feel like in basketball because their athletes are so individually marketed, baseball is more regional.

Sure. And then football is national. Hockey no one gives a shit about. And then basketball is individual marketing. Baseball, you go to certain places. It's so regional. If you go to Cuba, they just play where they're from. That's so fucking cool.

You're just like, oh, this is my city. I'll just play for this. That's how hockey was for a long time. Not for a long time, but when hockey first started, that's why the Montreal Canadiens have, I don't know, 18 banners, I think, or something like that. I don't know, that's what the Celtics are going. I don't know, 20-something banners, I think.

And it's because you could only have players from where you're from. And the Canadians are fucking better than the people are in New York. So that's why the original six franchises, the Canadians have all the state of the cups. Which is a fucking sick way to do it. It would be cool if it was just like, wherever you live or are born is where you play. It would definitely change things a fuck ton.

Everything would be the Olympics. Yeah, right, yeah, basically. It's pretty cool. And it's weird the amount of trades in the NBA now, because it's like, now it's great that players have more rights, but at the same time, you're like, man, you can't really buy a jersey anymore. No, yeah, I mean, it's a relic of the past in like a year. You know what I mean?

Everything's like two-year deal opt-outs. I bought a Julius Randle jersey just because it's been like 20 years. Fuck it, let's just roll the dice. I love Julius Randle so much. There has not been many Knicks jersey-worthy purchases. But I love R.J. Barrett, too. Like, I love a lot of these young guys. I love the Knicks team this year so much.

I'm so excited, man. If Randle doesn't, like, just disappear for that Hawks series, I think it's an entirely different thing. Totally. I'm going on Wednesday with Stav. We're going to the opening night. And I'm trying to get Taylor into the Knicks,

so I got, I'm like, let me find the best way to do it. Oh, cheap seats, Orlando, that's one thing. No one wants to see the magic,

but it's like, it's good because I get better seats or something like that. And she's not going to know the difference between the fucking magic. And also,

the magic fucking suck, so the Knicks wipe the floor with them. Watch this backfire. It's like the one game. I'm like, Jonathan Isaac's killing, what the fuck? Yeah, you don't have to worry about him It's going to be exciting. Nix wiped the floor with them. Watch this backfire. It's like the one game. Like, Jonathan Isaac's killing. What the fuck?

You don't have to worry about him. He won't be playing. That's right. But I just want to get her into it. Actually, no. Yes, he will be. It'll be in Florida. The Nix is, I think, something you can get a girlfriend into, though, also. It's awesome when they're good,

because it's right there at the garden in the city. It's electric. You can get out of work and just get right there. It's the best thing. It's the only place that you don't, like everyone else in New York, you've got to drive or take the train like a fucking hour sometimes.

Yeah, I'll never go to Yankee Stadium. Yeah, no, I mean. It takes too long. Getting out is the real problem. Getting out. No, getting into the stadium, getting out is the real problem. Getting out, no, getting into the stadium itself. Yeah.

Not even getting to the Bronx. Getting into the stadium. Getting out is so brutal. Bro, I remember leaving the, that's why people leave games early. Going like, going like Upper East Side,

when I used to live Upper East, to like the, the Meadowlands, is like a fucking two hour journey. I know. I remember leaving a Giants game, or a Jets game, whatever it was,

like relatively early, and they, The trains run every, like... Not as frequently as they should. And they're, like, hoarding you, herding you in, and it felt like concentration camp-esque. Like, you're, you know, snaking the lines, and they're packing you in the trains, and I was

like, Jesus Christ, this is... Oh, dude, I remember going to Giants games back in the day. We went, so... I was a kid, and my friend's dad got us playoff tickets. It was like me, my friend, and his dad. We were the last, literally the last row of the stadium. Like, the worst seats in time. Back against the wall-tip shit. But it was awesome. It was like, it was against

the Vikings. The Giants won 41-0. I remember that, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was when the Vikings had Randy Moss and fucking Chris Carter. Dr. Culpepper. Culpepper was awesome. They were a really cool team. But the Giants fucked their ass up. And I remember this guy, this is when they still had glass bottles at the stadium.

Oh, shit. So this guy stands up and he's like, fuck the Giants. He's in a Chris Carter jersey. Everyone just looks at him. They all take their beer bottles and start throwing them at him. And you just see him go like,

it was like Willem Dafoe in Platoon. He was like, ugh. And he just goes down. I'm like, this dude's going to be hospitalized. This is horrible. But that's what playoff games used to be like. Remember in Cleveland? Cleveland are the most fucking mean fans on the planet.

Everyone talks about Philly, but their quarterbacks were literally like, Tim Couch was dying. Who was the quarterback they had in the 80s? Oh, my God. I mean, the... What's his name? The guy, he was awesome, but he just never had an Who was the quarterback they had in the 80s? Oh, my God. I mean, the... What's his name? The guy, he was awesome, but he just never had an offensive line, so they just fucking hated him.

Yeah, the Browns. What's the guy's name? Oh, Bernie Kosar? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They fucking, they were letting that dude die. He's got a million concussions. He's not even making sense on TV, but they're just like, it's crazy, man.

That is funny, too, how people deal with it now. Like the Sox-Rays game the other day, one of the commentators fucking smolts, and I forget who the other guy is, but they were like, someone, it was after the throwout to third, and it was Verdugo got thrown out of third or whatever, and someone threw something to Kiermaier,

and it was kind of like, oh, and look at this, a fan's thrown something. It's like, yeah, they used to throw glass bottles. That was a hot dog wrapper. Let's not make a huge fucking deal out of it. They throw garbage and they throw weapons. Batteries and shit. Someone ran on the field for the Yankees game and just hugged Jeter.

That's like mentally ill. The announcers, they're always so disgusted. They're like, oh, you hate to see this. Someone escaped. This is like one flew over the cuckoo's nest. And you're like, oh, this is a disgrace. This is bush league.

Talk to me a little bit about the documentary, the Full Capacity. It's fun, man. You're all going to like it. Did you write, produce, direct? No, it's, I mean, Matt Salicu's directed it, who did my rooftop special. I love Matt.

He's one of my very close friends. And he just started filming me at the cellar coming back. He was like, I just want to like, he thought it would be cool to just kind of get. And then it's weird to bring cameras to the cellar because it's such

holy ground for me. Right. But comics seemed down. Like a couple were like, fuck off. Really? I get, yeah, that's fine. But then. Are you showing,

like, you're not showing material? There's a few jokes in there. I do some bits in there. I know people get a little bent out of shape about that, right? Well, what's cool is a lot of comics were like, you can use my material for this

because it was like COVID material. So, like, I don't want to use it anymore anyway. And then, like, Ronan Hirshberg, who's like an amazing joke writer, he would use, like like Cuomo jokes. These are all jokes. He's like, I'm not going to use these again.

Right, go ahead. So, yeah, it was really fun to make all of your favorite comics, right? It's like Dave Attell, Colin Quinn, Ray Romano, Sam Jay, Chris Redd, Taylor Tomlinson, Mark Norman, Dari Shafir. Like so many fun Joe lists, so many fun cameos. And it's just me kind of shooting the shit. It's like kind of comics a lot of whom I haven't seen in a year and it's, we capture like what it's like performing at the Comedy Cellar

30%, 50%, 100% that's why it's called Full Capacity because we get the whole thing and we just kind of, it's kind of capturing just the energy of what it's like for New York to come back as a city. It's really fun. When you're doing 30%, were you just like, oh, this is just like the old days when I didn't have any fans yet?

Yeah. It is. It's just like going back to the dark ages. But also the cellar, it's weird to be, because we're used to the cellar being on fire always, like so hot. So when you're doing 30%, it's technically sold out but it looks right it looks that but it look you know this is what they're allowed to have in there but it's it's not it's not so you know it's people are looking around they're kind of misbehaving we capture a lot of that yeah because back in the day when it's full they're like oh this is a hot ticket i better

behave right but when it's not full they they're drunk, they're obnoxious. We capture a lot of that. It's pretty funny. Now it's at 100% and it's incredible again. It's the best place to do comedy in the world. There's nothing like the Cellar to me. I love it. I feel like there's always

a little East Coast, West Coast rivalry on that. The Cellar here and the store out there. I don't really work the store. When I go out there, I'll do the Improv or Laugh Factory. They have a whole weird thing about, oh, you're not a paid regular or whatever. Really?

I'm sure if I badgered, I could get my way in. I want to go where I'm wanted. That's kind of where... That makes sense. And the Laugh Factory is always like, they always just throw me up when I'm there. So there are shows I get up on. Yeah, no, the store is a great club, obviously.

Right, right. What's the worst place you've been? We've been asking a lot of this recently. What's the worst city? I mean, worst city? You have Naples, right? And Naples is fucking horrible. That club is, I know I burned that one to the ground.

But like, it's so funny. I said something about it sucking and the club sucking, and someone wrote underneath, like, enough. We're doing a hard job here. And I saw the comedy club liked that tweet. So I'm like, oh, they're seeing what I'm doing. Yeah, Naples Florida. You know why Naples Florida is terrible?

Because they don't respect comedy. They just kind of look at you. I talked to someone recently who said, like, I've talked to comics who are pretty successful who are like, yeah, they just are like, they see you. And then they're like, oh, we've seen him now. We can just talk. Like, they don't want to see the show. They're just like, oh, a famous person.

And with me, they're like, yeah, we don't even give a shit. Like, you're nothing to us. So they talk through the show. That's one of the worst gigs ever. Where were you for that latest crowd work bit, the 23-year-old with three kids? That was in Indianapolis. I had a great time. That was fucking fucking good. Indie crowds are fucking great.

They're so great. I'm always so surprised by the amount of characters or circumstances that come out of crowd work where it's just like, there are fucking characters everywhere, man. People are always like, how does this keep happening? I'm like, I do so many shows. Like, that's the thing.

It's like, I just kind of have the cameras rolling. Cause like, I feel like I have to throw shit up to promote gigs. And then, uh, I don't want to burn materials. I'm like,

I will just do crowd work or a topical joke that I'll, I'll never tell again. So, uh, that, yeah. Indie. I was kind of like,

do I have the cameras rolling? I had a camera guy in St. Louis, but I just go through Instagram to find these people usually, locally, and this guy's like, well, I'm not a cameraman, but I have two cameras set up,

I can do all this, and I was like, oh, he's like, I'm a finance guy, but I'm a fan, and I was like, all right, shows up off his ass drunk,

like literally a pint of bourbon, like this, a Blanton, so he's like this, a Blanton. So he's like a top shelf drunk, too. Good shit. He just killed the whole pint and then he came in for more. I was like,

this is fucking dangerous. He was like, he was hammered. I was like, did he get the footage? He sent it to me. I'm like, oh, washed out. I'm like,

I thought you said this was 4K, dude. So I was like, all right, I better get a real cameraman. Do you pay him for that? He's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, all right, I better get a real cameraman. Do you pay him for that? You can't trust random drunks on the road. Who knew? No, I didn't pay him. He didn't do anything. He also said, you don't have to pay me.

I was like, good. God damn right I do. You did a horrible job. Yeah. I'll pay if you do the job. So then, yeah, no, Indy, I'd been there before, and I was like, I know they drink. I know they're good.

It's one of those things where you're like, it's kind of the perfect mix for good crowd work, where it's people who are not, you know, they're uninhibited I know they're good. It's one of those things where you're like, it's kind of the perfect mix for good crowd work, where it's people who are not, you know, they're uninhibited, but they're also... They're not going to, they're going to be quiet. They're cool. Yeah, no, they're just cool crowd. It's funny when the vaccine stuff comes up,

because they're like, talk about the vaccine, and no matter what, I'm going to lose people. So it's funny to riff on just how much I'm losing people. Yeah, yeah. But they're great. They're great crowds in Indy. And so, aside from Naples, because that was like the big joke,

but is there just a town that you... Reno, Nevada sucked. Dude, I've been to Reno once. I was going to a ski down Lake Tahoe. It's a soulless place, I feel like. It is really sad. Oh, it's bad. Vegas sucks.

And then you go to Reno, you're like, how about Vegas, but worse in every way? Yeah. I remember opening my shows in Reno. I was in a casino, and I said, man, this is great. I? I remember opening my shows in Reno. I was in a casino, and I said, man, this is great. I've never seen fake tits in an oxygen tank on the same people.

That's kind of how it felt. You're just in Reno, Nevada. I bombed so hard there. And I remember after the gig, it was like 10 years ago. I was like, never again. And then the offer came in next year, and I was like, is there anything else? And I was like, no. I'm like, all right.

Here we go. I'm back. When I was in Reno, I was like, so I was going to Lake Tahoe. And we just stopped there for the night. We got in late, so we rented a car in the morning to drive to Lake Tahoe. That's supposed to be nice, Lake Tahoe. Lake Tahoe is not. We were just going skiing.

But the nearest airport is Reno, so that's where you kind of fly in. So we got in late. We rented cars in the morning. We were just going skiing. But the nearest airport is Rideau, so that's where you kind of fly in. So we got in late. We rented cars in the morning. We were staying at a casino that night. And my buddy called me, and he's like, dude, you want to go down, have a drink, play some games? I was like, man, honestly, just walking through there was so depressing. I'd rather sit in my hotel room alone for the entire night than go see any of that shit again at all. It was so fucking sad. And people who know John, John's more bleak and depressing than any of the people he

saw. So choosing yourself, your own company for you, that's... Just walking on that floor. I remember I was there and they were like, you're doing morning press. So I had to go outside the casino at like 6am. The amount of characters, I'm like, oh, I'm going to get

stabbed. And they took their sweet time to get me. I'm just standing there. They're like, we'll be there when we're there. Then, of course, they drop me off. This is classic bad comedy club shit. They drop me off at the radio. Then just no one's there to pick me up. And I'm like, well, how do I get back? It was like 2012 or something. I'm like, there's not like Uber.

I'm like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Maybe there was Uber, but it was like shitty. So it was like a whole thing. There was an Uber in Reno in 2012. Probably not. Maybe in New York City there definitely wasn't.

Like San Fran in New York. It was rough, man. That was a rough one, but like, you're just kind of like, I just need to work, yeah. What do you think is, are you just going to do

like stand up? Like, do you have aspirations to like write comedy, like sitcoms or cartoons? I wrote an animated show with Dana Gould that I love, and we just couldn't sell it. It was a superhero show,

and there's just corporate strangulation on every network. We have a deal with Marvel. We can't even hear the pitch. We have a deal with DC. We can't even hear the pitch. We are animating The Boys at Amazon for some reason. You can't do that? Really?

Yeah, it's like you're just fucked. I mean, so it's like it's a great show, and I love it, and we worked on it for like seven months. Is that something you could put out on your own? Animation's really expensive. And also to do it right, it'd be tough. But I still think we'll make it someday. Dana is such a brilliant mind for comedy.

He really is like, I mean, he wrote for The Simpsons for like 10 years he created a stand against evil on ifc got it uh you know he's a great stand-up so i mean uh the reason i i asked was like are you going to try to take the whole idea of like i'll just do it by myself to other you know other realms of entertainment it's it's a good question. It worked, right? Yeah. I mean, like, the special is in the millions and everybody, like, I mean,

I've always said I think you were kind of the first person to put, like, your special out on there and really hammer it. Schultz was before me.

I know you say that, but Schultz was like an internet guy as is. I feel like you were, like, a comedy guy who was trying to be on a special,

on a streaming service and then just fucking went with it on YouTube. He kind of saw it before the rest of us. Andrew really had the foresight that the rest of us didn't. Yeah, the rest of you fucking morons are like, what's the internet? I'm just gonna go on the club in front of 72 people every night.

I'm gonna go on the TV still. I'm gonna go on cable. I can't wait to get on a night show for four minutes at 11 o'clock at night. I'm still doing late night sets. But it's not what it means. They're still fun to do. Yeah, I would always be honored to do it.

I have cool stories. You can get on there and it doesn't do anything. You're not in. You haven't made it because of that anymore. I know. It's a bummer because it's so much harder to construct late night sets than it is to just go on a podcast. It's just so much more honing and figuring out placing jokes.

I remember in the book about Robin Williams, it's not an autobiography, it's after he was dead, but they talk about how when he came up, if you got 15 or five minutes on Carson, the next week you got a show. You're a made man. As soon as you did that, it's like, okay, you're done. Now there's so many comics.

We missed everything. Back in the 90s, I talked to comics who were like, as you did that, I was like, okay, you're done. Now there's so many comics. We missed everything. Back in the 90s, I talked to comics who were like, if you went to the Montreal Comedy Festival, you got like a $750,000 holding deal. Shit. By the time I went to Montreal, I got a mediocre agent.

That was my prize. Like, the woman who repped me was actually very good, but the agency was terrible. So she was just kind of handcuffed. It was an agency called Paradigm. And I remember the guy who like was like the the closer there they were like whining and dying to me they're like let's you like to drink right let's get you some really

good scotch and he was like i was like he was like this guy's hot shit and i remember he signed me and then i was like hey what happened to fred and there it was like two months later like oh he left for uta and i was like he's a guy they didn't, oh, he left for UTA. And I was like, he's a guy. They didn't tell me. The guy who signed me. My agent left without telling me. It was like two months after they signed me. You got ghosted by your agent. It was such a rude awakening to what this business is.

I'm like, oh, I thought this guy cared about me. It's literally like, we're dating, right? And they're like, oh, no, that was nothing to me. You're nothing. You're fucking dog shit. I didn't even know you could do that. Just left? Not even a fucking email.

Just gone. Yeah, but the woman who rapped me, she works more in the music space now, but her name was Kama, and she was actually great. She really cared, and she was a hard worker, and she was just handcuffed by just – We got – we're doing a show at the New York City Comedy Festival this year, first time we've ever been a part of it, and there was a poster of all 900 names performing, and we weren't even on it.

What the fuck? It's like we couldn't even get on. We couldn't even get on the poster. That was already embarrassing to be on. They're like, you're in there. They point to it just as and more. You're a part of it. And then our agent was like yeah they also messed

up some spellings that was a like the whole thing was a wreck i'm like they changed like one i before e and they spelled trevor noah n-o-a-h you're like that's correct i think that's like there's other mistakes they're just trying to do damage control and then they added us and i was like okay so you know it's they've always find ways to belittle you and that's why I'm kind of just so over festivals. I'm doing the festival too, but this is probably the last one I ever do. I hate festivals.

Do you just do your normal set? Because I've seen some of the other guys, I think Feeney and them are presenting some sort of idea they had that's outside the realm of just a regular stand-up set. You're at the Gramsci Theater, too, right? Yeah. You're the 14th?

Yeah. Smash that. It's so funny, man. I'm doing it, but it's like I'm flying back from San Francisco that day. So my agent's like, you can do the 14th, right? I'm like, I'd love to do another day. But because I'm flying back from San Francisco, I'd have to take a 7 a.m. flight out of there. And they're just like, it's only the 14th.

I'm like, okay, it doesn't seem like I have a choice here. So let's do the 14th. Yeah, we're the Friday the 12th at like 12 p.m. It's like a 6 o'clock show. I was like, what? Oh, dude, it's so funny when they're like, well, this is, you get to be a part of the festival. You're like, I don't see how that helps in any way.

They're like, you're a part of the festival. You're like, this doesn't mean, oh, man, you do these festivals. like I don't see how that helps in any way you're a part of the festival you're like this doesn't mean oh man you do these festivals things don't mean what it used to mean nothing means anything

I just did Moon Tower in Austin and it's so fun but you're just like well I could have just done a club here yeah I got to see other comics

that's a fun thing I got to see like I got to it's funny I'm here every I live in New York but I never see Dave Attell I got to watch Dave Attell

do you go to many shows? Yeah. It's like baseball players going to a baseball game. It's like, no, this is just what I do. On an off night, is it the last place I'd ever want to be as a comedy club? I just want to rest. I'm just kind of like running. Because now it's like when you're home for three days,

you're just running around doing podcasts and stuff. And I'm gone so much that I have my podcast with Mark that I have to backlog when I am here. And when he's here, we're both so much. So sometimes we have to do two in a week or, you know, and we drank on that one. So it takes a toll.

You're like, I'm tired. You're like, why am I so tired at eight? You're like, Oh yeah, we hit Negronis at two. That's why.

So yeah, it, it gets harder to go out and do the sets because I just haven't taken a road weekend off since April shit so I just haven't

taken one weekend off I'm going to take a couple weeks off in November to try to heal my neck I just got injections in my neck so hopefully that helps

what are the injections of? you said that to start I just got injections of shark blood it could be Botox I don't fucking know it's probably a cortisone, right?

I probably, he said it and I looked it up and I was like, that sounds fine but I forgot what it was. It's like a cortisone. It's like a steroid

slash anti-inflammatory. It wasn't a steroid. Sort of like, yeah. I should have known to ask you. Yeah. I was like, I've got all the shots in my neck. That was the story

where my brain ended up sagging because they fucked up. They punctured the spinal cord basically. That was where the injections I was supposed to get. All. They punctured the spinal cord, basically. That was where the injections were supposed to get. You win. That sucks, man. Everyone was like, these are so good. It works for everyone. I was like, okay, cool.

Then I was like, you fucking ruined my brain. I have vertigo now. People were talking about the vaccine, the people that were getting blood clots. They were like, well, it's because they were injecting it on their vein. You're like, oh shit, that makes sense. You can do anything on the vein. They're like, the vaccine's giving you blood clots. They were like, well, it's because they were injecting it on their vein. You're like, oh shit, that makes sense. You can do anything on the vein. They're like, the vaccine's giving you blood clots. I'm like, no, the idiot at CVS is giving you

blood clots. Yeah, they started, you can get them in the parking lot of a Starbucks. It's like, ah, I need a professional here. You get a Frappuccino and a fucking Pfizer. Two for one. Have you seen the conspiracy theory they're putting out there now about the... Remember the nurse who got it the first day and then fainted on camera?

No. So it was like December 17th or something. And this nurse got the shot like on like the local news feed, you know, like historic moment, the first administered. And then she like gets up and like stumbles and falls over. And I think it was like she was nervous. It was hot. The lights are on her. And they're like, what they haven't told you

is that she died that day. And the family's covering it up. The government paid her off. And they're like, no, she's not. She's just alive. And I don't think she's made some grand. I'm thinking of the sense you got hit by a bus. No, that's what I thought, too.

Maybe she just died some other way. But she's just alive. And I guess she think she's made some grand – I'm thinking of the sense you got hit by a bus. No, that's what I thought too. It was like maybe she just died some other way, but like she's just alive. And I guess she should probably just like – You've got to make your conspiracy theories harder to just dig up. She's just like, no, no, I'm here. They're like, yeah, but that's it. We got it. I think they were like they have – she hasn't posted on her Instagram. Like she must be dead.

It was like what? She's just – she's actually really healthy. She just got off social media. be dead it was like what she's just she's just she's actually really healthy she's just living for life yeah yeah oh my god when when instagram went down i felt so much better it was funny like people were freaking out but i was like oh my god i was like let me just take a few hours off social media and then you forget you can take this you can do this all the time well you're so you're so aggressive with your posts in a good way i mean but like you you post the one minute thing so much and they're always like really well

produced and clearly they're, they're written. And it's like, but then you're like, Holy shit. Like this is, we're all doing a lot of work on, on social media,

you know? And we forget we can take time off. Like I think so much of us in this field, like any, you know, any type of entertainment, we feel, we just feel invisible.

So we have to just keep reminding people that we're alive. The one I get, or the one in my own head, is that I'm like, well, there are so many people doing it, so if I go away for a week, let's find someone new. And I'm like, no, I'm still here. No, I'm still here. Hey, I'm still here. I'm just a little fucking dog yapping at your heels

being like... I truly, genuinely feel though, like if we were to take time off that we would lose our entire audience. I know it's crazy, I truly genuinely feel though, like if we were to take time off that we would like lose our entire audience. I know it's crazy, but I genuinely feel it. I'm like, cause there's so much entertainment. I've like,

I think about, you know, I used to listen to sports radio and then I just kind of like started listening to podcasts and like people do just kind of drop certain things. That's a different medium though. Yeah. But you guys have, you guys have done a good job adapting to different mediums.

I mean, that's the thing is like, think about if you like a thing, you're going to stick with it. Like I just saw the poster for Succession season three and I was like, hell yeah. You know, it's like, I like it. It's back. I'm in. That's what I wish we did from the beginning.

Like I think podcasts should be like season one, two, three. You have premieres and finales and then you get like a little bit of a break. Go listen to another show for like a couple months and then you come back. But it's like we should all agree to do that. Like, you know what I mean? and then you get a little bit of a break, go listen to another show for a couple months, and then you come back. But it's like we should all agree to do that. You know what I mean? So I have an agreement that we can all share some space here, man. It's tough to take breaks, man.

I mean, I know it's not real, but I feel it. So I'm like, no, let's just keep going forever and ever. It's tough. And hopefully one day we'll die. Yeah, the sweet release of Death Man. All right, dude. So the documentary is full capacity. It's on YouTube.

That's on YouTube as well as the special. It's free. It's a lot of fun. If you see me on the road, I'm doing new stuff. I'll close on old bits sometimes if people

yell them out, but I'm doing new material on the road and I'm everywhere. I'm in every city. I do like the yell out the old bit and it's like, all right. If I can remember, if they yell out like do the white knight, I'm like, I'm in every city. I do like the yell out the old bit and it's like,

all right. If I can remember, if they yell out like do the white knight, I'm like, I don't remember. It's like an eight minute bit. I don't know.

You know, but if it's just like a regular joke, I usually remember it. You give them what they want. All right, man. It's always a pleasure. Thank you.

You too. Thank you, bro. All right, to all the OG KFC Radio listeners, the people who still listen every day, make sure that you head over and rate and review us. Leave a comment.

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