KFC Radio - Full Recap of the 48 Hours in Amsterdam with Bert Kreischer ft Maddy Smith

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

9 months ago we made a plan with Bert Kreischer that when he called us, we would drop everything we were doing and go meet him somewhere around the world for dinner. That day finally came last Tuesday January 24th, 2023 when Bert hit us up on social and told us to come meet him in Amsterdam for the adventure of a lifetime. Thankyou to Bert and his team for coordinating this trip. It was truly unforgettable. 00:00:00 Start 00:00:42 Overview of the Trip 00:05:15 The Flight to Amsterdam 00:14:10 Arriving in Amsterdam and the Cab Ride 00:34:37 The pancake houses in Amsterdam are better 00:35:38 Shrooms at the Casino 00:52:48 The Red Light District 01:34:56 Maddie Smith Joins to tell us about her perspective on the trip ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Betterhelp This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Go to https://barstool.link/BHKFC for 10% off your first month Kikoff Go to https://barstool.link/KikoffBSS to start building better credit MVMT Use code KEVIN at https://barstool.link/MvmtKFC to save 20% off your order Barstool Sportsbook Must be 21+ Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Can you imagine getting a text going, everyone got their passport, let's go to Paris on Monday, have dinner, have some fucking... We gotta get on this text list, dude. Let's do it, let's do it. This is live. No, hold on, this is live. Let's do this, let's do this. No one will know where they're going.

I'll have Felicia book all the travel. We'll fly somewhere. We'll live. Let's do this. Let's do this. No one will know where they're going. I'll have Felicia book all the travel. We'll fly somewhere. We'll land. We'll have dinner. We'll get on the plane. We'll go home. Let's go! Gentlemen, your tickets are in your inbox. We'll see you in 24 hours. Amsterdam.

Amsterdam. Subscribe to the podcast. KFC Radio on YouTube. Bang. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's Clancy and Feidelberg. It is the episode. This might be our most listened to ever.

You think so? Well, just considering everything always is growing. So then we're always at our biggest, and now this is the biggest thing. That's very unfortunate, because I'm not going to be on today. But in a weird backwards way, being so off for today's podcast is proof positive of everything we're about to recap. So it's like, of course you're retarded right now. I can't read. Like, I can't read. Okay, well, I'm retarded right now. I can't read. Like, I can't read.

Okay, well, I'm happy to hear that. I have Alzheimer's. So I can't tell if I have early onset dementia or if I have Amsterdam brain or if Amsterdam brain has triggered my early onset dementia. I'll tell you about that in a minute. What we're going to do here is we're just going to go, like, plane to plane, door to door, wire to wire. We're going to chronologically go through it. to wire. We're going to chronologically stop sweating. Go through it. Fucking ideal.

We're going to get, tell everything. Um, I'll hear from my lawyers from it for sure. Um, also, you know, uh,

I know we, we, we waited and I appreciate the wait. I think in years gone by, we would have like tried to record this right away just to get it out in time. And, uh, and it would have not been as good we took our time we put out the mean girls episode our official tuesday episode is here we appreciate the wait i hope it'll be worth it i hope this is one of those things i mean i think the stories are good enough then it'll be worth it but it's also one

of those things where it's like you know you wait a week to tell someone a story and they tell you like okay so you party with your friends. Right. Right. But, um, there was some funny shit along the way. Nick,

actually, this is like the first time I've ever seen this from a producer here. Like you're like a, like a, it's probably chronological. That's good. Cause I'm going to need it. Yeah.

I'm wondering, I can't read it, but I'm wondering if there's moments where I like say something and you are like, I don't remember that at all. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then we're going to have Maddie Smith come on, who also joined us girls on a guy trip. And we'll hear like her perspective. Cause I'm, I'm wondering if there's things where she's like, uh, no, that's not what happened. So, well, I don't know. Maddie, I think was the most, I don't know. I might've run for my money, run for her money.

But like there's about like seven, there was like seven people on the trip and i would say like five of them could have been like the drunkest person um i will start from the beginning overall though i was so happy with myself i was so proud of myself i was not reached back i was i'm not one of those people that you can like i was one of the two who was not on the list. So that's not cool. I wasn't like the hardest part of you, but I reached back and I, and I had the,

I had the longevity. I never peaked as high as you guys did, but I went the whole time. Yeah. And I was, I was proud of myself for that. I said, it was like,

I came out of retirement and I was, I was not Jordan, like on the wizards where I was like, Oh God, I wasn't Jordan wearing 23. I was Jordan wearing 45. Like, he's back. Oh, but it's not quite the same, but he's still good.

Yeah, yeah. And I feel like to go hang. I think what I really underestimate is how much of a booze bag I was and what my upbringing was. And I don't think many people, even the people who party hard now, I'm like, I don't think, sometimes I don't think I realize how much I drank. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because, like,'m like i don't think sometimes i don't think i realize how much i drank oh yeah because like i mean don't get me wrong burt if he wanted to probably could have been like shots drink chug beer bong like and put me in my grave but what

we did that that weekend i was like oh i can do this like i you know like it was like uh uh uh costanza doing frogger when he realized he had the muscle memory. Wait, I can drink beer and smoke weed all day. I know how to do that. It was very much a marathon. But it was fun. They do it right. Because sometimes the people who are like, let's do shots.

You know what? Let's do another one. And let's do them at 3 a.m. And then those things, sometimes it's like, well, you're going to ruin tomorrow. They do it right. They do it perfect. And it was very fun. And it goes without saying,

we'll chronicle everything, but it goes without saying like, thank you so much to Bert. We, we told him a million times, but we'll say it here too. So, so generous with his money,

not only the tickets, but like, I mean, you know, every time we tried to pull out a credit card, he was fucking whacking them away and really, really generous with like not only his money, but his time and the whole team. All of it. Amazing.

Thank you so much. Bert would literally take a bullet for that guy. He can tell me to do like anything right now. For like, he called me up and was like, I'm getting canceled. And like, because I like murdered a baby and I need you to like say it's okay. I'd be like, Bert Kreischer is innocent. But it all begins. Some of the funniest moments, I think, weren't, say it's okay. I'd be like, Bert Kreischer is innocent. Publish. But it all begins. Some of the funniest moments, I think, weren't even like partying moments.

So we get to the, let's see, where does the fun really begin? Because I know when we landed and we got in the cab, I had some belly laughs. But was there anything flying to there that was anything? I don't know. The only thing I'll tell you this much, my feet, all of our feet swolled up like, oh, that was mother. I woke up. So I got good sleep because it was like eight o'clock flight through the night.

Had some assistance. You know, by the way, I strongly recommend flying to Europe on a Tuesday because nobody was on the plane. It was an empty plane. I think we flew to the United or no, Delta. Delta lost money on that plane. I will say this. The number one question I got, did Bert fly you first class?

I was like, you vain, superficial, materialistic motherfuckers. Bert could have strapped us to the back of the plane on duct tape and I would have gone. But I tweeted, no burt didn't get us for first class he got us economy but look he he rented out the whole section he bought all of these seats there is like levels of rich and successful people believing that you bought an entire section of a plane is a level of rich and successful. I don't even think Bert thought he was like, there's like,

Oh, did he buy first class? Oh, did he fly you private? And then I said, no, he bought all of the tickets around us just so we could have the whole middle section of business economy.

And people go, that's dope. I knew Bert was a baller. No, Bert did not buy 30 tickets for us. He bought two they were um i think i we did it's funny because this is one thing i can say before the like the real like story starts the first class thing was like a debate because it was just like

you know how rich is bird and and how how how does he fly and what's gonna happen and um he later told us that um leanne was like who are these boys how much is they gonna cost us what are we doing here because first class was 15k each and he was and leanne was like we ain't doing that for these boys what are we doing and and burt was like okay but they're not flying coach so leanne who's awesome and i genuinely believe uh if there was if we ever did a wife draft burt drafting your wife number one overall like she is there's so many times burt would like facetime with her whether they were talking business or like talking about a piece of content that came out or just a family update and they

just you know for a relationship that probably makes little sense to a lot of people burt's always traveling and talking crazy and you know just a lot of people and i'm sure a lot of people birth's always traveling and talking crazy and you know just a lot of people and i'm sure a lot of other relationships couldn't go through what they go through they have awesome marriage like the gold standard if you ask me so anyway the first class thing no we flew we flew uh but like you know middle ground they were nice but um you know you're still sitting upright and we we i i mean when i woke up, I looked down at my feet and I was like, I have hooves. And so did you and so did everybody, even the Amsterdam guys,

like Bert's crew. And we were all like, what do you think that is? And I Googled it. I'm like, blood levels of circulation, elevation, whatever, weather, all this shit. And it was like, you were sitting down too long. Yeah. If you sit for eight hours,

all the blood pools up in your feet. And I was thinking, I was like, I sit, I sit down a lot. I like sitting, but I don't think you just sit in a chair for eight hours. No,

fucking no. So our feet were, we were, I was walking around with like, clopping around with horse hooves the whole time. So, but when we get there, just for the sake of the story, I did not sleep on the plane.

Yeah, you didn't sleep on the plane? No, I can't sleep on planes. And there was a woman right next to me, and so I couldn't spread out at all. I couldn't get up. She never got up. So I just stayed there, tried to sleep. That's the worst.

It's also so funny that you say it like that, because you absolutely can't get up. But also, I would never. In the middle of the night. I have a because you absolutely can't get up. Oh, no. I have a question for you. We sat. You had aisle. I had window. We got up to pee. When I came back, I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to sit in one of these other

seats that are empty. If I didn't do that, would we have just sat side by side even though there was all those empty seats for all eight hours? 100%. I was offended you moved. Would we have just sat side by side, even though there was all those empty seats for all eight hours? 100%. Yeah. Yeah. I was actually, I was offended you moved.

I knew it. I was offended you didn't move. I was sitting there. I was like, he's really not going to stretch out. We're going to sit next to each other and cramped up when we have like eight, like there was literally three or four rows of three seats. Completely empty.

Yeah. And he just was sitting next to me. I thought it never crossed my mind. It was crazy. Yeah. And he just was sitting next to me. I thought it never crossed my mind. It was crazy. I was like, I can't turn to him and say, get up and go. In my head, that's illegal. You can't do that.

That's just not allowed. I sat in the other aisle seat and I was able to lay down basically. Otherwise, we would have just sat side by side in like the front corner of the plane when a whole goddamn cabin was empty yeah crazy you're a crazy person

I was in my assigned seat I said what if the plane crashed it would have been like whose body is this he's not this isn't what the bandifest was I when I came back from the bathroom I think you had come back first and I came back second and I was like I'm just gonna um I'm just going to, um,

I'm just going to go like, go here. Can you just like pass me my thing? So I was like, I felt like I was like leaving a date early. Like, you know, it's just not working out. I'm just going to call it,

pull the record now. Anyway, we landed in Amsterdam with fucking swollen feet. So, um, and this is after we leave. Oh, also the plane.

I forgot. There is good stuff. The one time I was about to fall asleep on the plane is when the announcement came. Right. Looking, is there someone, a doctor on board? forgot. There is good stuff. The one time I was about to fall asleep on the plane is when the announcement came out. Is someone a doctor on board? Right. So we also link up with Maddie on the plane. Maddie Smith, funny comedian in New York.

She found out about this trip two weeks ago, two weeks earlier. She knew that Bert was going to surprise us. He was saying, why don't you come to Amsterdam and open up for us in a couple cities in Europe? So she came along and she knew all this time and didn't say anything, you fucking shifty, shady bitch. So it's the three of us and Maddie, and I am happy to report that if there is ever an emergency on an airplane,

I am quite literally useless. Because I woke up as we were landing. I pretty much slept the whole time. And I look at my phone and I had texts from you guys saying, What? Who was that? Is everything okay? And I was like, What the fuck is going on? And apparently, just like out of the movies, they had one of those,

Is anybody on the plane a doctor? But then they didn't do anything, right? I think they just let the guy die. The plane didn't turn around. It's like when like the the bathroom like the piss and the shit just like falls out of the bottom they just sent a guy out the bottom of the plane we like we were probably two hours into the trip and i was like fuck we're gonna have an emergency landing in like iceland yeah and because this was such like a planned out trip like burr had a show burr wasn't gonna hang around waiting for us so i was like we going to miss this fucking trip because this guy.

Because some fucking Odell Beckham is causing a scene back there. I mean, not only did I, it's not like I would have been able to help, but I didn't even, like, stir. I didn't hear anything. Was there, like, commotion, like, running up and down the aisles? So it couldn't have been that big of a thing. But, like, someone was like, you know, we were up front. It's like, are you okay?

John was like, anybody have eyes on Maddie? Is she all right? We get off the plane and we're like, Maddie, was that you? Were you the medical emergency? Yeah,

I got my period. She's like, yeah, I got my period. It was fucking great. Brought the house down as soon as we landed in Amsterdam.

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we hop in a cab and we get a tour from like Mr. Amsterdam right on the left is this and on the right is this Christian from Amsterdam giving us the regular spiel sports, culture

and then all of a sudden just goes oh and this is like the academy did you know the youth, they don't believe in the Holocaust. They don't think it happens. They don't teach this in school anymore. The Holocaust, this is not real. They're watching too much YouTube.

First of all, you motherfuckers, you all left me out to dry. Band of Brothers, watch it one time. I was sitting shotgun and they're wearing like a van basically and they were all chiming in when we're talking about fucking soccer and all the culture and the pancakes and shit. And then he decides to say that the youth of Amsterdam

doesn't believe in the Holocaust and that it's not being taught in the academies. And all of a sudden, crickets from the back. And I'm the opposite. I was crickets the whole time during the small talk. I don't give a fuck about that shit. And so I just go, well, no. I mean, yeah, it's definitely a thing that happened.

Yeah, the Holocaust is for sure a thing that happened. I needed to make sure our boy Chris John wasn't a denier, too. He was like, oh, yes, yes, yes, it happened. Bro, I didn't care one way or the other. Just get me to where I'm going. I sat back so fast. I learned. You son of a bitch.

If someone came up to me and was like, the Holocaust didn't happen, I'd be like, I learned you son of a bitch I'm never if someone came up to me and was like the holocaust didn't happen I'd be like I'm not gonna I'm not gonna correct you that is true that's one of those

it's not you're a lost cause we're not gonna meet some middle ground the youth is forgetting the holocaust they don't know anymore what's

what's happened really if you see the details you read the books. Scary shit. Yeah, man, it was pretty fucked up, wasn't it? What they do with people in camps. To your own neighbors.

It was the worst in August, I guess. 80 years. Eventually people stopped. They say now it doesn't happen. They don't know. They don't want to know. Oh, wow. Nah, that happened.

Confirmed. People are able to do that. Yeah. Wow. Do you need a recession? So, yeah, start off on the Holocaust foot. I'd imagine Amsterdam is one of the places that you really know about it, considering the Anne and all that you know and uh we'll get to the n frank house in a little bit um but yeah they should really know and it was holocaust remembrance day like yesterday or some

shit so we were like was it uh friday it was so i remember every day not just the one where jews were killed i remember all the days um and then i mean i remember the holocaust every day that the the the then everything begins like we landed at nine we were at a bar by like 10 because i was thinking like i don't know maybe bert's gonna work out maybe bert's gotta do a podcast like no no no no we we barely had time I didn't even drop my bags in my own room my room wasn't ready dropped it in John's room we hit the bar like 10am

I'm 40 years old let's go I was fucking so nervous to kick it off that early I was like I was thinking we were at least gonna get to like lunchtime or something 10am joint in hand pints in hand just crowded around like a small table and the and the juice and the stories just start fucking below it that was that moment when i smoked the

joint i was like all right this is gonna be tough well i was happy to learn though uh and people told me this going in that the weed in amsterdam is actually light compared to the weed in America because America got legalized and medicinal and all that shit, and now it's like, you know, put you on your ass. Scientists make it. Right. It's not like your fucking weird high school buddy growing up in his room. I think it's still the weirdos who don't believe in the Holocaust

making fucking weed over in Amsterdam. So, yeah, we, like, right away, there was, like, a table of, and by the way, bert's crew is awesome he's got maddie was with him but uh mark smalls and uh shane torres the guys open him for him and pete and uh john manns the guys who like run his whole production so we have like a good table but only like i don't know there's probably like seven of us and there was three joints going around i was like this seems a little unnecessary. But yeah, right away it was like joint to the face,

pints to the face. And I was like, it is 1017. I was like, I made it about 17 minutes so far and I am fucking stoned. But you know when you do these things like ATI type conversations when you're sitting with your friends and you're like who would be your drinking crew or who if you could have one night or one pint or sit down at dinner or one night in amsterdam with like don't know if i could script a better a crew of people

no like burt everybody knows but even like the guy opening for him, who's a comic in his own right. And, uh, he has a golf podcast countries, country club adjacent, like just like, and then Shane, like the perfect crew to like really go after it. I mean, the fact Tasha was there, who's just a local that has Amsterdam Dutch locals in his back pocket.

This girl who, Tasha, she worked on the machine with him in Serbia. It was kind of like his assistant slash tour guide he brought her out so she we had like a fucking our own local tour guide who wasn't like a tour guide though she's just like a young college chick so it wasn't like this lame like on your left is the blah blah blah she was just like I know the dope spots here we go it would it couldn't it could not have been a better crew to do it um but I mean you know that was do it. But we went straight through.

We didn't stop. We had one three-minute shower and a couple hours of sleep each night. But we went starting there the whole fucking time. Yeah, I'm feeling it now. Yeah. I was going to say. I feel like John's like, yes, correct. It's not only just that like obviously i have like a wet brain right now but also just like

my body's so fucked up from the time that like i was in bed last night at 6 p.m but then i woke up this morning at like 4 a.m and then i was trying to catch up when i woke up so i took melatonin didn't take enough to fall asleep. This guy's on 20 milligrams already. We ruined him. Really? We got him addicted to the melly. I took 15 milligrams of melatonin at like 4 o'clock this morning and have not been to bed yet.

Yeah, that's... Well, so before we even go out, we go up to Bert's fucking palace in this hotel. He has the top suite, like the top of the building it looked like a literally like a palace like where like the royals would stay he was staying in the napoleon suite and we walk in at a personal butler personal butler named like uh emilio or some shit like that he was rudy giuliani yeah he looked exactly like rudy giuliani in one of those classic like penguin tuxes like with the tails and everything and he was like anything you need mr pressure i think he had just served him for um bert did uh

winston churchill the day before yeah winston churchill day is like where you wake up and you do exactly what winston churchill does on his birthday it's like you drink gin and whiskey and champagne and have a cigar and eat your breakfast and do this crazy day of drinking so he had this butler working for him um and burt had told us one thing and one thing only wear red so we go out to this place abracadabra in new york which is like half halloween costumes half like movie props and we were like you know what if burt tells us to get red we're not just going to wear like a red t-shirt let's go all out

so we find I bought this like 70's disco tassel jacket and we had the red suits from the pop punk performance and John finds a onesie one piece

bell bottoms disco button up long sleeve John finds a onesie, one-piece, bell-bottoms, disco, button-up, long-sleeve kit. And when we get there, we walk in and we come to find out, we thought we heard something about red dinners in Amsterdam, which is like, I think you eat off a naked woman and then kill her. We heard all these rumors about what the red could possibly be for. We walk in and Bert explains to us that he likes to celebrate the Chinese New Year and that their color is red. So Bert's just wearing a red hoodie and red sweatpants.

We now have nothing normal red. He was saying, put on a t-shirt. Yeah, he said, just go. He goes, you can put on a red scarf if you want. You just have to have something red. I was like, oh, oh oh we have something red jesus you said to bring red bro dude dude we heard we heard have something red and i was like i don't know what it's gonna be so like let's get fucking red shit dude now i put on the punk red suit, which is cool. It's a blazer and some, like, pants.

It's bright red. But it's still just a shirt and jacket. John's red onesie bell bottoms, I think, are the coolest piece of clothing of all time. Like, trying to think of the coolest piece of clothing of all time. Like trying to think of the other moments in fashion. It was like JLo's green dress. There's McConaughey when he wore like the black and Navy tux at the Oscars. There's the Billy,

what Billy, what's his name? The black guy, gay guy who wears like Billy Porter wearing his, his gowns. And then there's John in the bell bottoms that picture I wish I wasn't in it I wish I wasn't in it I cropped myself out of it and posted it

John because you are having such a moment I'm like caught in the middle I was taking my hand out of my pocket and I was talking I'm not posing for a picture you got the cigarette up and the bell bottoms are flapping like perfectly in the wind. You've got the great overcoat on.

You kind of look like Popeye. You kind of look like Steve Cizzo, the fucking, right? Like Jacques Cousteau or whatever. I feel like you look like with that hat. You look like a diver. The collar's out. And I mean, people were like, yo yo this is like harry styles level fit like you mark mark is uh uh who was on the on the on the trip with us mark smalls uh west coast guy big hair and beard you can tell into fashion and style. And he was like, I'm so jealous of you guys. I don't think

I realized that the fit was getting this much attention. Oh my god. You didn't? In the moment? No. Oh my god, dude. It was... And the funny thing was, for whatever reason, the middle button just wouldn't stay buttoned. So John's belly button was just out.

It wasn't even like he was fat or anything. It just wouldn't stay buttoned. So he'd be like eating and moving and all of a sudden he'd just be like, belly button was just out it wasn't even like he was fat or anything it just wouldn't stay button so he'd be like eating and moving and all of a sudden just be like belly button dude i would keep catching a glimpse of it like god damn it man that fit was so fucking cool i have so many pictures of just like i just took like candid snaps of you when you were like smiling or in like motion and your your bell bottoms are just like swishing in the wind or whatever. It was, I mean, it was, so the point being, I almost had bought sweatpants and a red jacket. And that would have been like what Bert was looking for.

I'm so happy we went the other way. Because we were getting so many, I'm happy. Like if I wore my tassel jacket, I think that would have looked stupid. Your fit looked good. My suit was like, it was this suit, and it was turning heads, and it made the Chinese New Year thing. Bert said on Chinese New Year, you wear something red, you gamble, you eat noodles, and you be loud.

So those were our four things that we were going to go do. So we had the red. We went out to a Chinese food restaurant and Bert ordered the entire menu. To the point that his tour manager said, I've also managed tours with Christina Aguilera and she orders food. Bert orders food

the same way Christina Aguilera does. Except that Christina Aguilera does it for like 300 people. Bert was doing it for a second. I mean, we got every single thing and we were all pretty, I was pretty stoned at that point. And, uh, the Chinese food restaurant had robots deliver your food. It had these little, little, uh, like shelves. These robots would zip around,

but then a human would come give you the plate. This isn't replacing anybody. This is just expensive. All of a sudden, we got on a conversation replacing Asian employees. It got real weird real quick. We stuffed ourselves with noodles. We had the red on. Obviously, we're being loud. We checked that box really quick. Very quick. I'll say this. When you're out and about with had the red on we obviously were being loud we checked that box really very quick very quick and i'll say this when you're out and about with burke reicher it's one thing when we're in america and new york city and even like la we are are lucky enough that people recognize us all the

time and we take pictures and all that shit getting recognized abroad in amsterdam is very very different than getting recognized like in new york city or like the northeast and burt was getting bombed like everywhere we went bombarded with people as this is the machine yeah i said all oh that was the uh customs agent customs agent so right when we were passing through customs maddie will be able to tell her uh her side her version of the story even better but maddie steps up and he's i think he was flirting with her maddie's a cute girl he was like a young guy and he's like so what are you here for and she's like burt kreischer he's a comedian takes his shirt off you know that guy and um and he's

like there's a there's a um what's a language barrier or whatever. And she starts joking with him. It was funny. When she finally crossed through, she was like, I just killed. I just murdered that set. Because she was making him laugh, whatever. But she goes through and then fight steps up. And how did it happen?

He was just like, because I actually, I was going to lie and say we were there for pleasure. Because we were all laughing together. He's like, so I actually, I was going to lie and say we were there for pleasure because we were all laughing together. He's like, so what is the show tonight? And I was like, it's tomorrow night. And he's like, but what's the name? And I said, Bert, Christ, and I started spelling it for him. And first of all, he was writing. I don't know that people in Amsterdam use the alphabet.

The American alphabet. I don't know if he actually confirmed it. I think they do, though, because all the venues were in American alphabet. I don't know if he actually confirmed it. I think they do, though. Because all the venues were in American. True. Good point. They all had regular letters. The regular 26 letters. He was right. They don't use nines. My room number was 20G, and that was

a fucking... The number one is apparently a V on my skateboard. We'll get to that, too. They write funny. Put it that way. They definitely write funny. I'm spelling it for them. It's K-R-e-i-s-c-h-e-r and he goes oh russian and i went i actually don't know what bert is no but you know thinking russian because of the machine and all that shit i was like i was like no i was like maybe he's russian because like i mean he got famous for like a russian story yeah and then he's like

he goes oh oh i know him it's a fat one which is so fucked up because by the way we went back and we looked at the video when burt first gave this idea when he was on the podcast in nashville heavens the betsy burt was enormous he's trimmed down considerably, but it's like the Jonah Hill effect. We've always said it. Once you're a fat guy, you're a fat guy. Oh, it's the fat one.

Bert, it's the fat one, Christ sure. So we eat a ton of noodles, and you guys ate some duck feet. Oh, God. Do you remember that? They said to me, yeah, you might want to cover yours for this one. The duck feet come out literally just like the three like fingers whatever toes and

chicken feet not chicken feet and they say to me you don't actually eat them just chew it up and get the cartilage and the fat and then spit it out yeah and i was like well this isn't food at all. You don't eat it. You just chew up the fucking grinds and get a little bit of flavor and then spit it out like it's a sunflower seed, except we're talking about chicken cartilage and chicken fat. So these animals are like popping these sizable like velociraptor claws into their mouth and just chewing up chunky rubbery cartilage and then

pulling them out of their mouth and leaving it on a plate and i was i was disgusted you you tried i got i got the first one the first one was a no yeah and then like burke kind of explained to me a little bit better how to eat them. Again, it's how to chew them. You chew a little, you get the cartilage off. But the first one I just popped in like it was a chip. It still has fingernails on it. And then...

Chicken fingernails in Amsterdam at a Chinese restaurant? Oh my god. The second time I picked it rather than put the whole thing in my mouth that it wasn't that bad it's like eating a wing like you yeah around the bones and the ligaments and those tumors and shit but i all i ate some it was all very good just regular like chinese food but very good but i ate one type of sushi roll thing wasn't sushi roll but it's like it looked like a sushi roll brown meat some sort hot i popped it in

and it did not taste good and it did not agree with me we already had several beers and i was pretty stoned and i i almost threw up then really i gotta have went to the bathroom and i needed a moment of like gotta get through this one um but yeah that was, that was a feast for sure. And then we got to check the gambling box. So we go to, um, a casino. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. When you're at your best, you can do great things, but sometimes life gets you bogged down and you may feel overwhelmed or like you're not showing up the way that you want to.

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switch until they get it right for you. If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash KFC today. Get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash KFC. So we go to a casino. But before that, outside of the casino, we hit the Pancake House. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that was after the pancakes. People told me... No, immediately

following Chinese food, we got pancakes. Well, it was dessert. It was dessert. We went to a Pancake House. Everybody said to me, you gotta eat the french fries, and you gotta eat the pancakes. I was like, how fucking different can french fries and pancakes be? I know there's good fries and bad fries. You have your McDonald's crispy ones.

You have your soggy ones, whatever pancakes, you know, Oh, I love that diner. But like, if you make me Bisquick pancakes at home, I'm happy. How different could these things be? The French fries were spectacular. And the pancakes were maybe the best thing ever put in my mouth. The pancakes were, they were like fluffy. We also got that. You can get big ones that are like crepes or you can get little ones that are like silverpes, or you can get little ones that are like silver dollars.

But they're like puffy, a little bit air puffed, but also still doughy. And they make Nutella ones, they make whipped cream ones, they do strawberries and cream, apple. I got the Nutella one, John. I'm telling you, I think it's my favorite food of all time. It was genuinely. How many do you think you could eat? I could eat, I think, no joke. I was going to say 40.

Oh, I'll eat. I think I could, being realistic, not just saying like 300, I think I could have 120 of those. Really? I ripped through 12 in what, like 30 seconds? I was just like, uh, uh, uh. No problem. it was like and then i i ordered a glass of milk it was on the menu and the guy goes milk i said yeah milk and he goes he wants just a cup

of milk i said yes i want a cup of milk give me my milk i'm having fucking chocolate pancakes um so that was fucking delicious. It was funny. It had a lot of powdered sugar, and Bert was eating them, and the powdered sugar was all down his belly, and it just looked like we were fucking banging out rails of cocaine. It just looked like a Coke-covered Bert Kreischer eating pancakes. Oh, my God.

It was so good. Along the way, by the way, Bert was like, I wanted to have you guys out here to talk shop so in between all of these meals and all the partying we're about to do we were just having like awesome conversations about podcasting and the comedy industry and comedy gossip and all that shit it was like my dream come true like we can talk shit about some people he's over getting high and so on and like yeah let's go so we go to this casino. And the thing that we failed to realize, as we did the whole city, was that we were going out on a Tuesday at 4 o'clock. So we go to a casino.

And it was, now to be fair, no matter what hour of the day or what day of the week, this was a grim scene. But we go to it was thursday right it was wednesday it was wednesday it was wednesday so we're like mad that a casino is not rocking before like school even lets out you know uh but we get there and they are that's what casinos typically are like i yeah casinos are pretty sad true true true true but i mean i've seen some bleak settings in like Atlantic City in Jersey and even this was like yeah this was it was basically

everyone whether they literally were or not was an old limit on oxygen yes you could have actually been one or metaphorically one pulling your slots ripping your cigs while you have your oxygen at the same time but first we couldn't get in because Burt Kreischer had on sweatpants and

they were like our dress code won't allow sweatpants and i was like but he's rich like he's the rich one this guy will spend all of his money at your casino just let him in you kept just being like but he has the money he's going to spend the money this is where he gives you money and you say, okay. So Bert, of course, though, like he could have easily done like a, do you know who I am type moment? He was like, okay. Sent his assistant.

He was like, go to the pants store and get me some pants. Like the pants. And the pants store. Just funny side note. TK Maxx. It's TJ Maxx. Nope. They just switch out.

I don't know if they don't have J's. It was funny. Bert was so afraid. He goes, oh my God, there's not a pair of pants from Europe that's going to fit me. And so we were all being assholes. We're like, get like quadruple XL. He was like, all right, well, come on. His buddy, his boy Pete comes back with, I believe, 38, 38, 32 jeans or something like that.

And he was like, and they were stretchy. And he was like, my man. Like, that's why you're my assistant. But before that even mattered, the guy came and found us in like a little bar downstairs and was like i am so sorry for the mix-up like come right this way so somebody was like that's burt reicher let him the fuck in took 20 minutes to get into this casino i don't know what the rules are there you have to give them your address they have to punch you in they have to call the guy it took legit like 20 minutes to get all of us in and we were going into place one roulette bet that was it that was it the whole the whole thing was we were gonna go

burt wanted to put a thousand on red i said i'll match it i'll do it with you and the vibes were off so many times it was like the universe trying to tell us don't go in there and burt was like you know what let's pull the plug and then he was like wait no we gotta but it was the most i could feel the tension of like this is just not right uh i i mean i put roulette a thousand on red and roulette instantly gone it was like it was like i was like you know i didn't want to i gotta got there late and i was like can i can i still bet he's like yes and i put it down here boom black gone see you later ripped the whole table down it was like the fastest i've ever lost a thousand at least you got money yeah you get money out we stupidly we went to the to uh

amsterdam and we didn't call our our phone company or our credit card company so like our phones didn't work and our credit cards wouldn't work so we couldn't even get money i i eventually got in contact with chase and i got a thousand000 and just immediately threw it down the garbage. But before we even got to the roulette table is when the first hurdle set in for Feidelberg. Because when we were at the pancake house in between there, we stopped off at one of the mushroom sales, one of the mushroom shops. And we got some heavy duty mushrooms we bought it's so cool they have the whole array if you've never been they have all these different names from like flying hawaiian to the philosopher's stone they all these different dragons breath and they have these

ratings like uh visual image body body high, head high, uh, whatever else. And they had their, their rating system was Saturn's was how many Saturn's out of five. So this was like four out of five Saturn says you're, you're going to get a visual high. That sounds like something like Michael Scott would come up with the idea.

It sounds like someone on mushrooms would be like four out of five Saturn's say I'm high right now. Um, but they said, don't take it on an empty stomach or do take it But they said, don't take it on an empty stomach. No, no. Take it on an empty stomach. Do take it on an empty stomach.

We took it after a fucking massive meal. Take it with a piece of chocolate. You didn't do that. No. John didn't do any of the things they told us to do. We had like nine meats, a bunch of pancakes, some noodles,

and then eight mushrooms on top of it. And it was not like, if you've done mushrooms before here, it was not like your freeze dried. They were like wet. They were wet. They're fresh, like truffle mushrooms in a case that was sealed.

I think they only are like good for a day and then they get rid of them. Oh really? Or like a matter of like days. Yeah. If you're watching the video, you can see here. So they come in these little plastic cans, uh,

cases. Mine had like a date that was like, you know, used by, cause I think it's like, this is a fresh fucking, uh, cases. Mine had like a, a date that was like, you know, used by, cause I think it's like, this is a fresh fucking, uh, vegetable,

you know, or a fungi, whatever the fuck, uh, mushrooms are. So, um, the make micro dose is a great name.

Um, and John, you know, when in Rome, when in Amsterdam went and pop those mushrooms, I will say I was a pussy and didn't do the mushrooms because of what can happen. Cause I was like,

I know my stomach and I know my fucked up, depressed, demented brain, the bad's going to come out. And I was like, if I had like two weeks or a week there, I would have done it. But I was like,

we have two nights and I don't want to ruin one whole night. Be like hugging the bowl all night long. But John is a much more experienced party than I am. And he said, we're doing it. And his body said, no, we're not.

That was probably the most I've ever thought of my life. Really? I threw up. I mean, I had so much food in me. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

Yeah. Dude, it was like, that's the one I posted. I love that picture. You look so, I was like the calm before the storm. Yeah.

That was right before you, I was super high. I was so stoned. The, and know what's crazy so i i was like obviously i didn't want to like make a scene in front of everybody so i like casually almost got away with it huh you almost got so close to the bathroom the uh yeah i, I had already thrown up outside. Oh, I didn't know that. Wait, so when did you first throw up? I almost puked outside too.

Did you puke before we went in the casino? Yeah, I puked at that other bar. The one we went to between the pancake shop, whatever. I just casually got up, walked outside, and just stood there and puked twice. I did not know that. By yourself? Yeah.

You thought you were in the clear? I thought I was in the clear and By yourself? Yeah. Okay. And then I went back into the... You thought you were in the clear? I thought I was in the clear, and then back in the casino again. Well, that casino, again, the vibes, the smell, the look. I'm sure your body was like, we're going to puke because of this casino. Get off the mushrooms. But I just had this image. I turned from the ATM, and I see John going to the bathroom, but pretty hastily.

And in front of him is this tiny little old Asian woman. And she, if you're watching on YouTube, she was walking. It was one of those, like you go to the bathroom and then you go like to women's and men. So they were walking to the bathroom basically together. And John,

as you described, you said it's when you're flashing your, your lights behind someone like get out of the way in the left lane, like left lanes for, for, for passing, get the fuck out of the way. And so he starts to move faster.

And I watched this old Asian woman look over her shoulder and kind of see John and kind of be like, wait, what's that? And then John, I was like growling at him. And then I see John, like his head goes up, like, you know, kind of like keeping it in.

And this old lady does one of these, like. I step in her way. Away from the puke. It was like Godzilla fucking takes over Japan. This little Asian woman was like. And John pukes. And by the grace of God, it was a garbage can, but a small one. Like almost like the ashtray type.

Yes. Yeah. Because it had a whole top that only let out like, it was almost like if you're putting like your soda fucking cup. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like put your cup here. So it was a like if you're putting like your soda fucking cup, you know what I mean? Like put your cup here. So it was a tiny one.

And if, if John had thrown up a little bit harder or if he was one step closer, he would have completely thrown up down the back of an old Asian woman. Like it would have, it would have hit her like this and gone down her back. And instead it landed 90% of it went in that hole. Yeah. A little bit splashed around the rim, but you projectiled into a hole.

It was like a golf shot. I was like, wow. That was impressive. And then you got yourself to the regular bathroom to puke the rest of it out. I thought you got away with it. I really did. I come back out, and I start to just have a conversation about the casino. And Bert and Peter goes to me have a conversation about the casino and and burt and uh peter goes to me like so how is he and i was like well and what do you mean i don't know he's fine

i was gonna narc on the guy burt was pretty silent the whole time when we were leaving the casino walking to the next spot he goes so just to be clear somebody threw up in the casino right i just want to make sure i saw what i saw that someone did throw up in the casino it was like unspoken i wasn't i mean who cares first of all but i wasn't gonna blow up your spot if you wanted to like keep it on the low so i was just like i i think he's just i think a lot of food or whatever and they were like, he's throwing up on Asian women. It was, it was, it was actually like an, uh, a taste. Unlike I've ever had in my life. That's what he was saying to the mouth.

It was the effect on your mouth. Apparently it was what it was like. It was like, you know, you get the mouth sweats, but it was like, it was like I was sweating sour, sour patch kids into my own mouth. It was just not sitting well. I've never felt that before. My tongue literally went numb. It felt like it was sweating.

Literally. When you guys kept saying that, I was like, it's saliva, guys. It's like your tongue is sweating. It felt like it was generating from your tongue and then it got sour. What the fuck is going on? And everyone was like, yeah, the sides of your tongue. I'm surprised you didn't puke, too.

Oh, I almost did. It was when we were leaving the pancake shop because we had pancakes, mushrooms, I had coffee, a beer, water. That was all stop for. And then when we were leaving, just going from the hot air to the cold air shocked me a little bit. And then I asked you for a cigarette, and I just had a pull of yours. Think of that would fix it all. Oh, yeah. Let's add some fucking tobacco and nicotine and shit.

And the second I did that, I was like, I just got quiet. I was like, let me just put up a GoPro real quick and film everyone. And I just caught my breath. I will say, I don't think I've ever seen a greater puke and rally, though, in regards to attitude. Well, there is another story of a party rallier, which is one of my favorite stories. We'll get to him later. But the attitude switch. And I don't know if it was because you felt like you needed to be like, everyone knows I puked.

I'm good. I'm ready to go guys. Or if you just felt that much better or whatever, but you, once it subsided, you had a smile on your face and you were like, I am good to go another round, another joint,

let's go. And I don't know if that was, you know, like mind over matter, pushing yourself through it, or if it just was that much of a relief, but you were like a new man. Yeah.

Cause you know, I know the feeling when, you know, it's like, Oh, this guy already puked. And it's like, I'm going to make sure,

you know, I'm good. I watch this. I'm good. I'm, you know, I'm ready to rock. Uh,

so the, the rally was very impressive, but God damn, do I wish you puked on an Asian woman? Bert said, he saw it. I was like, Oh,

we're getting kicked out. Somehow nobody caught it again. Cause it was a incredibly depressing scene. Uh're getting kicked out. Somehow nobody caught it. Again, because it was a incredibly depressing scene. They barely even had lights at that casino. They didn't have music. There was no music. You just heard clinking of chips and the ball.

Burt was funny though. He was like, we were losing at roulette over and over and over again. He was like, sucks. He had earlier said that he doesn't feel the rush of gambling a lot and he was like this is the worst part i don't feel anything like i'm up a little bit down a little bit i just don't feel i don't get any sort of feeling as he says that the ball hits it's red or whatever it was and he and he won and he goes i was i feel it i feel it i was lying i was lying guys i feel it. I feel it. I was lying. I was lying, guys. I feel it.

I have the audio recorded. I had it going in my pocket since I could whip out a phone there. So I'll put that in right here. I feel nothing right now. It's just, I feel nothing. So let me say this. It was, I got gotta give credit to burt um but we went to places like casinos and then later the red light district where they don't allow phones and they really don't allow phones you take them out like you're in trouble and burt i think invented this idea i don't know anyone else who did it i encourage everybody to do it whether or not you're even in places that

allow phones or not voice record your party voice record your note your night just turn it on go to your notes app or your voice voice notes app press record throw it in your pocket it's surprisingly you can hear it yeah like it's not it's not great audio but you can hear what people are saying and then you have all your shit now you got to be careful about it There was many times where I was like, remember the person recording, remember the person recording. Don't say this.

Don't say that. But by the end, I just didn't fucking care. And I wasn't even thinking about it anymore. And we were letting it rip. And we had several moments of like, Oh, you got that on audio. That's fucking amazing.

I challenge or, or, or, uh, put it to you guys. I think if I was in college and shit, I would do this all the time. See,

I would not. Oh, I think it's was in college and shit, I would do this all the time. See, I would not. Oh, I think it's so fun to have the fucking, like, the moment we had at the end of the night where we had that audio, I put it on Instagram, people were loving it to have, because you can, we can recap it, but they have, like, the audio in the moment of our reaction.

I think it's incredible. It can get you in a lot of fucking trouble, too. Gotta know what to delete immediately, but, yeah, don't want to know what to delete immediately, but yeah, I don't want to be recorded at all times, but, um, all right, right now over the barstool sports book,

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that photo like in front of that beautiful building yeah we had a lot of great shots we were in front of like this palace um it was kind of the calm before the storm. Everybody agreed. We're going to keep the party going, but not go too hard. And we're going to go. Then we're going to go home. And we had a big dinner planned and we bailed. Yeah.

And I've been preaching that game for a long time. Now, if you're on a bachelor party, if you're on a guy's weekend, girl's weekend, you're partying with your college friends, you're day drinking the night, the big dinner sucks.

It's a tranquilizer dart to the neck. It ruins the vibe. It ruins the wave. Don't do it. Just keep partying. We bail on the dinner. We all agreed. You go home and you get a three minute shower because the showers at least mine

it had the rain shower rainfall one and a and a handgun fucking thing and i was cold it was cold in the afternoon i did not have a warm enough jacket and i was like if i go in there and i take a nice warm shower for a long time it is curtains for your boy so everyone agreed three minutes on the clock jacked up three minutes and uh and then the red light district began um we were lucky enough that burt and his gang had already been there for a night so they kind of scouted for us which is cool too because if you're only going to be there for two nights you know if you go to the wrong thing or something you don't like for one night you know you've kind of ruined it you know they went to a live sex show the night before and they said it was not great um i thought live live sex shows sound like they're fun

and i've never been to one so i can't really speak to it but like i wouldn't i would guess that i'm pretty quickly like oh i'm just watching two people fuck. I think that's what it was. They said it's not like there was music and it was not like people are interacting and the crowd's not reacting. So it was just like, oh, okay. Those people are fucking. And I could see where that gets a little weird. Because that turns into...

I'm guessing they're not the hottest people. I'm guessing they're not the hottest. And that is like, when I watch something like that, i'm trying to come yeah that sounds like watching porn but live yeah and now i've got to be at a table with 80 you dudes and i can't fucking do anything about it no thank you the rest of it you go to strip clubs you get you get other shows it's fun it's not about like coming if i'm just watching two people fuck i'm getting boned up okay bro so they said no we're not doing that we're going to the banana room now uh yeah the banana bar excuse me banana and that's how they say it the banana bar i had been told, or somebody told you, I think, or you just concocted this in your head,

and then told me that the banana bar, they do banana tricks with their pussy. You know what it is? I remember Chaps' story from Korea. Chaps said someone was cutting the banana with her pussy. So you described it as almost like a conveyor belt. The banana's moving with her pussy okay because that's so you described it as like almost a like a conveyor belt like the banana's moving like along her pussy and she's squeezing it and it's chopping off slices and so that's what i was waiting for it's not that but it's not far off um so we get burt and burt rolls in when you go to a place like the banana bar

and they go oh you are back. That's a little crazy. For most people, that is a once-in-a-lifetime trip, not a two-times-in-two-nights trip. So he walks in and we got the VIP. I think it was like $40 for everybody. You get four drinks and a fucking section. I want to say it was $400. Yeah, it was like $400 for the whole crew. And it's got to be the most ridiculous return

on investment of all time. You sit at like a horseshoe-shaped bar, tiny one. So there was one, two, three, four, five, six of us, right? Plus a guest appearance later. Seven and then... Was it? I think it was just Shane, Manzi, Bert, and us three.

And then Peter peter was fighting off that drunk dude trying to take a photo yeah okay so pete was off to the side unfortunately it was this guy at the guy dude there's a time and a place for like pictures and saying what's up and shit this guy wanted to tell burt a story at the banana bar man like just not the time and place felt bad he was a big fan burt was like I just can't right now. Peter was going up. He said he talked to the madam and was like, can you get this guy out of there? She's like, well, stop talking to him. And he's like, what do you mean?

So we sit down and you get a three act performance with three different girls or sets of girls. And they were eager and aggressive, right? Oh, I was going to say, it's actually seven. Seven girls? Seven set. There were seven things. Well, I mean, I guess I'm combining a couple of things. Yeah, I wouldn't have said seven.

There was three. It was the first girl who did a couple things. The second girl. Who was grotesque. She was horrendous. there was three it was the first girl who did a couple things that the second girl who was grotesque she was horrendous and i hate to be mean but like you think when you go to these things that they're going to be sexy and then you realize again weekday girls we're talking about a wednesday night weekday girl who needs money to the to the tune of I'm going to be a sex worker in Amsterdam. It's not, you know, the hot girls are like on Instagram posting like a bikini picture for fucking $100,000 a pop.

Not what can I do with a banana, with my pussy to a banana, you know? But this girl was Buzz, your girlfriend, woof. And part of it was she gets out some lotion and she says, rub my tits. I find it to be the most awkward thing of all time. I mean. Is just sitting there rubbing a girl's tits while all the other guys are sitting there. And John. Turns out I don't know how to rub tits. John doesn't know how to rub tits while all the other guys are sitting there and john turns out i don't know how to rub john

does not rub and that and you know sometimes people wonder are we hamming it up for the podcast are we lying are we are these stories true when when we're like i don't know what to do with a chick i don't know how to do this well john, John got yelled at by a fucking Amsterdam stripper because he doesn't know how to rub titties. I have said long. It's true. I don't know what to do with boobs. And we know why.

A professional worker said, you don't know what you're doing. If nipples could come, then we would get good at it, but we don't know what we're doing. So I am with John on this one, though. John went kind of under the tits. She had a big sloppy set. She had a big sloppy set. She had a big sloppy set. It was big and wide and flat while also being,

and there was scars all over the place. There was a fupa. It was. The fupa was crazy. Yeah, the C-section scar. It was not great. But John went like under the boobs and kind of up as a big-titted bitch. Would that bother? The under boob?

Is that off limits? Because she was honestly, it was like smack on the hand. Like, no, no, no, baby. You don't do that. She said, I couldn't believe this poll for a fucking stripper in 2023 in amsterdam she said have you ever seen the karate kid wax on wax off so she just wanted like palms going in circles which i was like i was like by the way i don't even want to be doing i know yeah like we can just pass you know like if you don't like this i don't want to do this no thanks

i needed a shot clock i just needed a shot yeah clock. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, when am I done here? Like, I just want to pass this along. Right. I think it's weirder to just, like, palm your nipples and go like that. But when he went under the tit and she was like, no, baby, you're on top, I was dying. I wanted to die. I was like, get me the fuck fuck i can't even rub pit dude but then the reverse and and we learned this about every single girl there

um when they turn around and flash their ass every single one of them has a butt plug in their asshole it's crazy just walking, doing their business, plugged up. Plug walk, bro. Plug walk. To the bar, to the bathroom, to this guy, to that guy. Just walking around with one of those bejeweled, bedazzled plugs in your asshole. Like, it's permanent. I think they're permanently in there, man.

It was... I played the fifth one. I was like, why does everyone have... Everyone's got their plug in. Trying to see fucking butthole here. You're covering up the fifth one. I was like, why does everyone have... Everyone's got their plug in. Trying to see fucking butthole here, dude. You're covering up the main thing. It was funny, though, when she then turned around and you can grab her ass. John, she goes, oh, you're an ass man. So if you ever were interested, John can grab a butt. He can't rub titties.

Can't rub titties. One of the best moments of that, though, was when it got to the end and the same guy, she was like was like all right you're done rubbing my tits and flipped over and he goes oh it's like a snake a snake she called it a snake grab i was almost dying you had a two for one whatever that shit to me is weird i don't find that i of attention sexually virgin type of guy to be like i can't wait to rub some tits in front of my buddies like you're not he's not going any further i was so mad she made me do lotion till this is disgusting she handed that fucking rag to you that rag and you and you wiped it off like that rag has your titty lotion for like i don't even know what's on that right that was the wettest rag i've titty lotion for life. I don't even know what's on that rag.

That was the wettest rag I've ever had in my life. Well, that's because I got it first and it was dry. And I'm like, I'm getting my fucking hands dry. And then I thought she was going to give all of you one. And she just goes, I'm passing. I'm like, ugh. I got more lotion trying to wipe my hands off than I did from the fucking bottle of lotion. But so whatever.

That shit to me is like, whatever. Then they say, well somebody is getting spanked. And if you've ever gone to a strip club in Montreal. Wait, was that pre or post-banana? No, hold on. Oh, the bananas first. Yeah, we're skipping. Postcard. Okay, we're skipping. That's right.

Number two is a girl. It's on the sheet. Do you guys all rub? Or is it just John? No, everyone. Everyone else can rub tits. So. I can't. The next one, she says, do you want the postcard? Apparently, postcards in Amsterdam are a big deal.

And she says, give me somebody's name. And they did it last night. They said they did Dane Cook. I said, we're in Amsterdam. We're doing some horny shit. We got to go Glenny Balls. This chick. This is crazy.

Puts a marker. I mean, the fact she just walked up with a postcard and a brick. I didn't know what the fuck. She had a brick, dude. She puts the brick down. She puts the postcard on top of it. She puts a marker in her pussy. She goes down on like one knee.

Yeah. Squats down one knee up and you can see the look in her eye she's like doing one of these like like licking her lips kind of you know if you've ever worked on a math problem and you're like kind of grimacing and thinking and she is starting to move around like one of those 3D printers. Up, down, left, right. And her tongue is out and she's like thinking. And I'm like, oh, wow. Like this chick is writing Glennie with her pussy. When she's finally done, she's like spins it over to us.

It was like a full fucking letter to Glennenny balls it was like and i'll say what better handwriting than i have beautiful like calligraphy writing with hearts and like pictures that said like with love from amsterdam like i don't remember i think burt actually still has the the postcard but like a couple sentences like to Glenny, love pussy from pussy with a fucking heart and all these like little frills. I was like, are you absolutely fucking kidding? And she kind of guided it with her like one finger,

but otherwise just drawn. It was one of the most impressive things that I've just drawn with her pussy that I find way better than rubbing tits. That's what I've always said. I want to be like entertainment rather than like get my fucking rocks on. Right, right, right. That was entertaining. So then the next one up is the lesbian sex show.

Two chicks who like make out a little bit. Got a little bit hotter. Yeah, yeah. A little bit better. And then out comes the banana. Throws a condom on the banana like a true hooker does with their mouth you know and puts it inside and then uh they peel it and uh everybody's got to eat the banana and i'm sitting here going i don't like. My biggest problem is not what's holding the banana. The problem is the banana itself.

I took the littlest nibble that has ever been nibbled at the banana bar. It's like you're a, you know. I fucking deep throwed it. Yeah, you went, you know, you're like, oh. I took a chunk off. You got some like, you got like banana bread. Bro, I was hungry. I'd thrown up earlier.

I didn't eat food in my stomach. I didn't'd thrown up earlier. I need to take it. So, I mean, that's like the main that's what they call the banana bar and I think that's like the main show. But I found the finale to be way more impressive. We now do the

spanking. She says one of you is getting spanked. Bert was the victim the first night or the lucky winner, however you view it. I'll say victim. So for us, it was going to be one of us two. I knew that. And I have been saying to everybody, John has taken a lot of bullets for me at Barstool over the years. He did a Spartan race for me that one time. We were at the Halloween party.

I remember being like, yeah, you got to take photos. It was like things that I didn't want to do that John had to bite the bullet to do. I've never been happier that he bit this bullet for me. And I don't even know if he views it as biting a bullet. It would have been biting a bullet for me. I would not have liked this. John, I don't know.

I still don't know if you even know where you fall on this, but the treatment that John got was funniest fucking thing. He got abused. He got physically, you could make the argument. I got raped. You got raped. Yeah.

You absolutely got raped. Yeah. Again, this girl, it's like number 10. She threw you on your stomach and took your belt off. Pabs, when I say she went over her head like this,

it wasn't like a she went one! Two! I mean, just absolutely beating my man's ass. Bare ass. John kept going, ah,

ah. Bro, it was the kind of. Laughing, but yelling. Oh, it was the kind of whipping you don't really see outside of slave movies. It was straight Kunta Kinte roots.

It was. It was. Before she flipped you over, she had you on your back, and she just went full Jackie slap. Pow! Right to the face. Boxed his ears. I could see him go like, ah, ah!

John was legit, like, grunting, like, oh, oh! Oh, you got me! Bam! Another one! But then she fucking whacks his ass so hard. Like a champ, though, John. She was like, one, two. And she's laughing.

And he goes, give me another. She gives him three. And I'm thinking that's it. Because like I said, I've seen and heard of a lot of spanking things like that before. And then she takes out the stiletto. What do you guys think happened with that? This girl put a stiletto right up John Henry Feidelberg's ass. She put it right in between his cheeks and she gave it a wiggle and then she flipped him over, put it in his mouth.

Shut up. Dude, it in his mouth. Shut up! Dude, it was... Did it go up the hole? Yeah! So, he gets off the table. We're dying. Bert Kreischer told me, he was like, it was the greatest moment of my life watching with you, watching

this happen. We're howling. John gets off the table and turns to me and Nick, and we figured out what he meant to be saying, but the first thing he says to me, he goes, did she put that up my ass? And me and Nick go, I don't know, you tell me, man. I think that's something that you know, not us.

What he meant was he thought that it was, I put this one in your ass and then this one over here in your mouth. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. It was straight ATM for your boyfriend. But he was like, it was the same one? It was the same one? I can't think of anything.

I mean, I think, I'm trying to remember. I don't think she took off the shoes she was wearing. No, no, no. She did. I saw it was right foot god damn it i was hoping that it was like a prop like and here's the clean i'm gonna i gotta go get it you had you had a high heel that had walked the streets of amsterdam and the the ground of a sex club up your ass and in your mouth it yeah yeah i i should go to the hospital i should maybe that's what you're feeling maybe a wet brain well that dude that's what i'm not we're spelling it out i think i'm sick because of the germs i got i'll be a hungover i think i got a lot of germs in my mouth and I'm fucking sick now. I mean, that was... I'll say it. She crossed the line.

She crossed the line. There was no permission. There was no permission, no warning, no nothing. It was just like... I'll say that I did give permission to the spanking. I knew what I was getting into there. I consented to the spanking. When you were on your back, on your stomach,

and she started to grab the high heel, you kind of arched up and were a little bit like, wait, what's going on? Like, I have not, I don't know what's happening next. I saw the belt, I know what that is, what's happening next? And she kind of just like, put your fucking head down. Dude, she man-hailed you.

You got bodied, dude. She kicked the shit out of me. You got raped. If you switch the scenario, if it was a girl, I'd be like, no, no, and this guy's just like, bam, bam. We'd all be in jail. Instead, we're just like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. So, yeah, you took the beating.

Man, the beating of a lifetime. I was so confused. I was like, was that really the same shoe? He's like, yeah, dude. I was like, what the fuck, bro? Oh my god. So,

there was one last trick that they needed to do. No, two, actually. They wanted you to hold a vibrator in your mouth while they like squatted on top of it and i'll tell you something it's not easy to hold a vibrator with your mouth no i was like we're gonna i'm a pop of veneer if i do this like hold it in while someone's banging on it.

This seems like someone's going to split a lip or something like that. And then every time they do one of these things to somebody, they also at the last second just pop your fat ass on it. Nick was laying back and this stripper's ass just went

boom. If you've ever watched the WWF Rikishi just got that's exactly what I like like face in between popped up like like hair disheveled like this but I think all of that

hails in comparison to the final act was this chick was like which one of you did you try to catch her or no? I don't believe so, no. Somebody tried to catch his girl first, I believe. Was it burnt dropped in? I think so.

This chick, bro, she threw her legs over her head so fucking far and then I think I have to describe it as she punted that my way. It went as far as a fucking NFL punt.

She went like blast, blast, blast, blast, blast, blast, blast to like get the pressure up and then just Which I didn't know like I didn't know how that happened. She's got a powerful... Spring up there.

Yeah, it was like there was a spring inside her. And this thing just comes shooting out, and you have to try to catch it. And I guess it was Bert. I can't remember who dropped it. But it was like fumble, and everyone's like, boo! Boo! And then out of nowhere, we get a celebrity drop-in that was so crazy it was like an episode of entourage it was it was it was like an episode of entourage it was really entertaining almost

like if you're watching an islanders game an episode of entourage and that celebrity appearance was like i got this i got this and he like gets down low and he's like let's go let's go and blast off and he was just like and he catches it crowd goes wild and then he inexplicably takes it and just shoves it down his own shirt and he instantly was like it was all gross and lubed up and everything but he went from like hello how you doing i'm in town i knew you guys were here i'm following the trip wanted to say hello had one beer was on his way out to catching flying dildos i think he stayed he stayed up the rest of the night and had a flight at like 9 a.m. the next day. I've never seen more like peer pressure.

It was like, or less, like he was like, all right, I got to go. And we're like, no, you don't. He's like, okay, I'll stay. But from, you know, I just got off the set. I got to say hi to the boys real quick to like catching flying paraphernalia. It was, that was a moment, man. man that was and i guess we got that all recorded right uh like audio recording right so i don't have the audio of that one that uh burt does i have the audio okay we might have to link up and put together a documentary of this

all all together i i think you'll be able to hear it so my phone was in my coat and it was in the coat room uh because i was very afraid of the hookers uh beating me up so because i heard someone got someone was taking a photo of burt towards the canal not even towards any of the like actual like prostitutes and a prostitute beat the shit out of them yeah i mean they really were not i missed that they were also just very they they were very mean they were the regular strippers then like if you just just want a lap dance sort of strippers they fucking descend upon you and like you go here, you go there, you've got him

I got him, it's like a defense it was man to man defense in a strip club and then they all ask you at once you're giving me a dance right, you're going to pay for a dance and when you do the usual you know, come back a little later I'm just getting settled in, they're like no no you want to do it now and i was like no really don't really fucking don't i love that one point burt was trying to uh play like a game

and she goes he goes to her i want you to pick whoever you want for a lap dance and i'll i'll be the one to pay for it and he has like a wad of cash in his hand and so she goes you just picks the guy with a lot of fucking cash and he was like i guess i didn't think that one through that's i definitely have audio of me just trying to swim move a stripper is she's just like she's she's like okay you want to go in the back room and they're like go ahead and like no celebrity guests is like i'll pay for it yeah i'm like i just want a beer right now and i'm like yeah it was that was he swooped in and saved me uh they we all put our jackets in the coat check and uh god bless bert's buddy uh and assistant pete he was so like gracious trying to be like the tour guide

he was like i'll take care of your coats give me the tickets i'll get them all like and i was just like i can handle my own coat i don't need this but he wanted to take care of the jackets and then as he was getting everybody's jackets to leave i guess mine just he didn't he didn't get it so i have no jacket and it's cold as fuck and the other guy on the tour with us shane he he didn't have a jacket either he lost his jacket too I thought they were gonna like beat the shit out of me me trying to find this jacket because they were like are you accusing us and I was like I mean I guess so it's like it's your fucking fault I lost my jacket and I was like can I just look through them and they were like no no no and then um our celebrity guest came through he thought it was like a true crime episode. He was like,

I'm going to find these fucking jackets. And he like looks through and he sees it was my jacket was underneath. And then they put another jacket on top and he sees through like a little slit, the barstool logo. And he was like, that's the jacket right there. And the girl though,

she goes to me, she was like, I said, can I just like look through these jackets and she was like if you take someone's jacket she said if i lose one of the jackets then it comes out of my pay for the person who lost their jacket and i was like i'm a person who lost my jacket we're already here and someone owes me a check so i pull out 20 euro and i'm like just let me look through the jacket you know like give me that jacket right there here's 20 bucks and um our celebrity appearance kevin

connelly he um he like swipes my hand and he's like no dude and i thought he was like big timing me being like dude you got to give him like or whatever. He pulled it back and gave him five. He goes, you have to give her 20 bucks. Fuck that. We found our jackets and he was like, it was like a true crime episode. I solved the case. But they were like mean. They were like, next time you don't, you don't accuse us. Like you just, you need to talk to us.

I was like, I was trying. I don't know. The last thing I want is to have some fucking Amsterdam madam. Like you already slit my throat. We couldn't have been more polite to them. And they're like, you're doing what now? Yeah.

I was like, I'm going to, you're going to kill me and throw me in the fucking canal right now. Um, canals need railings. I almost fell in. Nick almost fell in the canal, which would have been amazing.

They just have these canals that they, there's no railing. There's no bar. It's just like the sidewalk, the street, a little bit more sidewalk and canal. And Nick like thought there was one and went to lean. Cause outside, outside of the hotel, there was, but, bar it's just like the sidewalk the street a little bit more sidewalk and canal and nick like thought there was one and went to lean because outside outside of the hotel there was but not

so i started walking up i was like whoa i would have given anything nick hamilton ended up in a canal but my favorite moment of the whole thing so that was like the big you know red light district night we take a group picture outside. And, um, one of the guys on the, on the trip with us, Mark earlier in the day, took a whole case of mushrooms and I watched him. He put his hood on. He had a beanie on.

He pulled it down tight, put his hood on. He put his glasses on. He pulled his like turtleneck kind of up to his nose and then said, I'm going to go inside myself now. And boy, did he. And he went from like we were like both kind of like we were like bouncing to the music at this bar like a. And then all of a sudden he was going, I'm so hot. And I was like, yeah, you're bundled up like you're out fucking like ice fishing, dude.

And he needed to go home uh peter uh who was like our tour guide like i've been saying he was like i gotta take mark home and so we were like ah we lost him you know we lost a good soldier out there on the battlefield and we're taking this picture at like 2 a.m to end the night and all of a sudden i see like this head pop up in the back of the picture. And I turn, and it's him. And it was like one of the purest partying moments ever. We were like, he's back from the dead! No way!

Now he's back from the dead! I think the the puke and rally or the nap and rally or the I got you know uh I had to like leave because of my girlfriend and return whatever I think is the best party move party trick there is when you come back to the party when everyone thought you were either a pussy or too drunk or arrested or whatever and you're like

Jesus rising from the dead the reaction he got was probably better than any comedy club could give him we were like oh my god that was when i thought i died i was like i was in montreal and we were at some club like some like ocean club or beach club whatever like it's like probably 45 minutes outside of montreal and i was so fucked up and i

was like i don't even know what my thought process was i don't know why i did what i did but i just like walked into the woods oh right right you, right. You just laid in the field. I just passed out in the woods and everyone left the Ocean Club. I just followed the noise to cars. Basically, I don't know how I did it.

I somehow held a cab halfway home. I'm like, by the way, I don't have any money. He's like, well, then you have to get out like I didn't I didn't have like a credit card I lost my wallet you gotta say that at the end bro I know so I pull over he drops over to the gas station I call the cab

I'm like look I will get you money but like just bring me to dropping me off does nothing because now you've wasted half a trip and I get home I get back to the like the house we were at on bachelor party and it was like a king's because now you've wasted half a trip. And I get home, I get back to the, like, the house we were at on Bachelor Party. And it was like a king's welcome. It was, everyone's like, he's all mine.

I thought I was legit. Because people are like worried, you know, people don't know where you are. I mean, this was more just like, we thought, you know, we lost him, but you only have two nights and someone misses one. And he like, just the way he snuck in, we were like, oh my God.

I can't even like that that is like the only time you feel like truly loved oh my god the uh and then the last little bit of the night we needed a nightcap and uh we went to just like a very regular bar but the funniest thing for me was like i mean at this point i'm gassed i've probably partied you know at that point we've done 10am to 12.30 at that time you know so we're like over 12 hours that's like more hours combined than I've done in like

the last you know several months and I'm there as a finish line but I'm also like I'm done you know and I've always been that way like if I'm at the end of the night if you're not fucking someone and you're, you're like, you're not like, uh, there's, there's nothing else to like do. Like you've already done all the bars, done all the things.

It's like, I'm going home. I mean, they're eating food or going to sleep. There's just no need to continue doing this. We've already had all of our laughs. We've already had all of our things. Um, but see, that's what I don't have. You don't have this. You don't have the stop switch because it's just like,

I'm like, well, something else might happen. True. True. But I also once like, I guess you're right. You know,

celebrity appearances and people rising from the dead and shit. But by the end of the night, we had every, we had done everything, you know, and we're just there putting more like we're just adding to the hangover morning, you know,

but I'm like, I've got to the hangover in the morning you know but i'm like i've got a full fucking pint in front of me and every time i tried irish goodbye burke reicher would catch me and it wasn't like he was i just kept trying to leave and he was just sitting in front of me going every time he saw me he just went nope nope nope we are drinking all of the beer in amsterdam tonight and i was like all all right, fine. Take a few more sips. Now I'm like halfway done. I'm like, all right, that's enough. Like, you know, put up a valiant effort. Nope, nope.

And at this point, I'm like a 40-year-old man being bullied. It is crazy how, like, how easily you get peer pressured. When I started smoking weed at like 10 a.m., I never smoked weed. I smoke weed only when I'm in bed. Right. like I was like, okay, I started smoking weed at like 10 a.m. I never smoke weed. I smoke weed only when I'm in bed.

Right. Because I'm going to sleep right away so quickly. And I was like, as soon as the joints are coming, I was like, fuck, I guess I'm going to smoke weed right now. And I didn't know what was going to happen.

I didn't know. I had no idea what the future held, but I was like, I guess I'll do it because I was like, I don't want to do any of this, but there's only really one person like Bert. He invited me. He me to stay i'm fucking staying you know but uh at one point he did say to me because i must have had a face like on the third time he he said to me if you want to go you can go if you want to gallop we can gallop i was like i was like is there a third choice

because i don't really want to gallop i don't have to go but i don't think i can gallop we can gallop i was like i was like is there a third choice because i don't really want to gallop i don't have to go but i don't think i can gallop right now but i loved that line yeah want to go you can go you want to gallop we can gallop because i think he ended up going home and like rolling blunts and like smoking with maddie and continuing to drink i was like when we leave this bar i'm going home for the night i don't know about you i showered that that night before bed oh i did not yeah oh that was the yeah i washed my face the best shower ever ever had it was absolutely fucking divine to get all of that that layer of film off of me but uh you've you know you've never let me just tell you this much you've never felt peer pressure to stay at a bar until burke kreischer's done it to you like think about

all your friends think about the the coolest guy you know the the whatever the biggest partier you know trying to make you stay at a bar when burke kreischer tells you no no we're staying at a bar for another beer i mean you can't say no to that. Like, get the fuck out of here, man. But we had a moment at the very, very end of the night. It's a weird bar. It was like house music playing and all sorts of shit. And then all of a sudden it was two Bob Marley tracks came on back to back.

It was like one love and I don't know, everything's going to be all right. And it was like weed in the air, drinks all around, everybody just kind of swaying and singing. And I was like, this was fucking awesome. Like, I couldn't believe the amount of people who were like, are you going to go when he first announced it? I know. That was crazy.

Like, yeah, I'm going to go. I know. I mean, I know I don't go out much. I know people like, oh, Amsterdam didn't seem like your speed or whatever. But I was like, he could have said anywhere. I'm going. Yeah. People at the very least just for the content, let alone for the experience.

But it was, you know, and then the next night we did, we went to their show. Incredible. They all crushed, sold out. The car. Sold out theater. We took a boat down the canals. What was that? That was so sick.

That was like. Boat ride. No, no. The car was the name of the theater. The C-A-R-R-E. John was so in love with Amsterdam. I can't tell you how many times he goes, this is just so beautiful. It is.

It's just so beautiful. It is. It's just so beautiful. It's crazy beautiful. It's crazy. It's just crazy that this exists. It's crazy. These people, they just live here. It's crazy. So actually, that I want to ask you.

I know you don't like traveling and things like that. You don't go to a city like that and be like, I got to see more cities. No, no, no. I do. It just fades quickly. don't go to a city like that and be like i gotta see more cities absolutely no no no i i do um it just fades quickly like in that moment if like if i had no other life at home and you were like let's just go from here to the next one i probably could have been persuaded you know yeah we were talking about that earlier in the day when we oh because when we went to ann frank's place uh but yeah i

that that was my first time out of the country and like before that, I never really had that urge because I'd never done it. And just walking around, even just seeing the architecture there, I'm like, It's a very cool city. You go to the right is the red light district. You get to a street. Right here is the red light district. Right over here is beautiful architecture and these nice little cafes and stuff. So it is a very cool city.

It's old, old, old, like 1600s old. So everything just looks totally different. It's old, old, old, like 1600s old. So everything is just looks like totally different. It's, it's definitely cool. And I, but I, it just fades quickly. Like I get back home and I'm just like, ah, all right, I'm tired now. So here's my thing. You you've got web brain. You're, I think you're, you're fully retarded.

I think I have early onset dementia and Alzheimer's. And I don't know if, if I've already had always had it or if this triggered it, when we were watching fast five, I could not remember Paul Walker's name. That's a big, a big celebrity. I was like,

Brian O'Connor is played by, and I couldn't think of it. I had to Google it. you were just sitting there i was just thinking and when it popped up i was like oh it wasn't like a like oh of course i was just kind of like like i like i i was like i would have never got there i was you know when you're like oh if i thought another second i would have landed it i was never gonna get there and then i couldn't remember who mart Short was. Why?

I don't know why he popped. I think only murders in the building. I was looking at something. This was like, just like yesterday, like after the trip, I was looking at him and I was like, Dana Carvey.

I couldn't get it. And I usually like, like when I do the dozen, like the celebrity mashups and she's like, I know these people. Like that's, I'm good at that. And then yesterday I couldn't remember where the Chiefs played.

Well, it's the kind of tricky one. No, it's not. I know what you mean, but I couldn't remember Kansas City. Oh, I see. I couldn't remember the Kansas City Chiefs. But it wasn't one of those, like, what state do they play in? It was like, where the Chiefs are from. And I was just like, I don't know and i was like i know

arrowhead because they've been saying that but i was like and so now i i mean i i'm like i can't remember like major things that's kind of scary that is a little bizarre that i think i legit i don't see those three like i don't think those three are that crazy and now that i think about it you dude paul walk Walker's a big one. Paul Walker's a pretty big one. Dana Carvey or Martin Short, he's been out of the game. Not out of the game, he's kind of just resurging. I don't know what Martin Short does.

Not knowing Kansas City? If you said to me, where do the Orioles play? And I couldn't come up with Baltimore? That's bad. Yeah, that's true. I legit started Googling. Were you looking at the initials just like guessing things i just wasn't even looking at it was just like just chiefs and i

just like couldn't think of it i think this part i think this weekend just like shot my brain this weekend by the way somehow i am in a bigger dog house than i've ever been in for this trip when i'm already divorced i mean i got i uh when when the first time i went to the super bowl i met the brabels and uh i got in so much trouble for going to that super bowl because i could just every time i traveled it was always a fight and i remember being like it was the comedy central one so i was like i don't know but i have to go to this and um brable told me he calls it the viper pit when you're going back home to your wife or your girlfriend and she's mad and you know you're just dead man walking going into the viper pit because i said it i was like oh i'm in so much trouble he loved it and so i i came home to a viper pit. I'm not even still married.

This is fucking crazy. Why? Just because you're on vacation? I just am not allowed to do anything. It's because if you have fun without the women in your life, they get mad. That's just it. I don't know what's wrong with you girls. That's just how it goes. And I know there's plenty who don't,

but all of the ones that I do know, all of the ones that I know just are like, oh, you're doing something, and I didn't like, I don't like it. I'm going to be a pain in the ass about it. I knew it, but I was like, it's like, all right, this is going to be, I'm just going to pay for this for the next,

like two days in exchange for like two weeks. You know, just how it goes for a long time. It's such bullshit. It is such fucking bullshit. Uh, and, and that actually brings us all back to the girls on a guide trip stuff, which was very funny because Maddie ended up coming along.

And at the very end of the last night, the bar that I was trying to leave an Irish goodbye and Burt wouldn't let me Maddie accidentally knocked over a bud light. And jokingly, cause it's been a running joke for like the whole fucking week because of the whole thing with the mean girls and yesterday's episode, I yelled, girls on a guy's trip, girls on a guy's trip, because she knocked over a beer. And that's when Burt Kreischer's trainer, at the end of the night,

everything's been all good, partying the whole time. Although I don't think she liked me from the jump because there was a couple of times I like made jokes and she like very literally corrected me. Really? Like at one point we were joking around about Asian names. Remember that? We were joking around about like the most

inappropriate Asian names possible. We were saying Korean and Chinese and I jokingly said, what about if you named someone Nagasaki or Hiroshima? And she was like those are japanese and i was like okay there's something else i remember i can't remember if it was like okay i don't think this girl likes me and then at the end of the night i said girls on a guy's trip and she went did you just say girls on a guy's trip really and i'm like still laughing i'm just like yeah. And she goes, we've been doing this for 19 days. So how about it's you two guys showed up on our trip?

And I was like, okay, how about that? How about you don't take that joke at all? So I just kind of like patted her. I was like, oh yeah, no, you guys are great. Like, thanks for having us. And just like walked away. And then the next night, she like half apologized she said something like yeah i was yelling at people last night about the girls on a guy's trip thing but she said yell she

was like i was yelling at people and i was standing like right next to her i was like you were yelling at me you can't just like say that it was it was me i was like yeah as if it wasn't a running joke the entire fucking time um but we're gonna get mad Maddie in here to give us her side of things. Because they did peel off at one point. The girls knew. They were like, ah, we're not going to do those weird creepy perverted shit. So we're going to go over here. And I don't know if anything, any other weird type of shit transpired.

But if you are going to do any sort of these trips maddie smith is a absolute first round draft to do it she went hard man she went she went drink for drink joint for joint drug for drug everything with with everybody she she does not shy away from the competition if you're ready for the next step in your life whether that's buying a new car or moving into a new apartment or buying a house, the first step is to have a healthy credit score. Kickoff can help you take control of your credit so your score doesn't get in the way of your goals. Kickoff is the easiest way to build credit fast.

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Apply right now in minutes at kickoff.com to start building better credit. That's kickoff, K-I-K-O-F-F, no C in there, K-I-K-O-F-F.com to build your credit score without the lift. Start today at kickoff.com. What's up, you guys? Dude, it was, I can't even describe perfect timing. We just got to you being, well, we've talked about you,

but it was like we wrapped up discussing all of our side of things. And then it was like, about you but it was like we wrapped up discussing all of our side of things and then it was like i wonder what it was like from maddie's point of view and like you guys had that very foggy i'm gonna be honest but keep going well you also had that you know uh it was the one part of the one night where you guys the girls dipped out yeah and you guys all got dicked down by prostitutes right right? Yeah. So we were like, we don't want to see the banana thing. We'll see you guys after. And then I,

um, ate out a prostitute. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was sour, but, um, no,

I was like, I'm, I think I'm too old to see a banana in a stranger's pussy. You know what I mean? Oh, I don't know. I don't think that's an age thing. As a matter of fact, I would say, in your brain,

thinking that young people, young kids should do that. I'm like, when I was 13, I would have been there in a heartbeat. I actually would have been the girl. But I was more just like, you know what? Let the guys go. You guys don't want to see me. And then Burt's trainer, Lacey, said that they had gone a couple nights before, and the girl made Lacey give a blowjob to the banana.

Oh, wow. She was plucked for the interactive element, and I was like, I'm going to keep you guys from seeing that. She said she didn't like it because she was in front of Bert, who's like her boss, and she's like, ugh. I mean, I get that, but also at the same time, the term boss for Bert is very loose.

I've never seen the man, and Bert's always fascinated me with this. He's obviously the machine, he's a party animal, and loves all of it. But at the same time, he's always so responsible and in control, never going to cheat, never going to do anything wrong. But at one point, he was trying to pay somebody to go fuck a hooker. And he was like, here, I'll pay for it.

Somebody go. And I've never seen a man who wanted a hooker to be fucked so bad but also had the internal constitution to be like but it's not going to be me he was like talking to the single guys and being like you can do it I'll pay for it and he was like go go go I think at one point Matt was like alright I'll do it I was like I'll do it if it makes you like me

like what's going on here no one did it we were going to go in with like a lav mic remember we were talking about that we had in with like a lav mic yeah we had plans we had plans to like fucking shoot a movie with them we were literally like we were like okay so maddie does a voice memo on her phone and you go in and you say man's who's bert's videographer you say man's is my husband my kink is watching him getting fucked and record the whole thing.

And I was like, well, I got it ready here. And that could have been fun. But no, yeah, you guys split up, went to the banana. I don't know. I didn't even hear what that was like. Was it crazy?

It was a pretty solid experience. Did any of you guys get involved? Oh, yeah. No, John got a stiletto stuck up his ass. Oh, so I heard you say that the next day and I was like, maybe he was just saying something funny. You actually got a stiletto in your ass ass. Oh, so I heard you say that the next day and I was like, maybe he was just saying something funny. You actually got a stiletto in your ass? That must be code for something.

Yeah, I was like, yeah, stiletto in my ass. I need that like I need a stiletto in my ass. No, it was literally a stiletto in his ass. Then she put it in my mouth. I do not consent to any of it. Wait. I'll tell you what, John is... The same stiletto?

John's really... You're the same exact one. John is the same stiletto John's really yeah the same exact one yeah no John is a victim it was I consented to being spanked and then she

she took her you know what that is was that in front of everyone yeah that was like oh wow yeah I like laid on the table yeah we were all cheering they took my pants down

we were cheering for the victim they took my belt off and then they just started beating me you know what it really is it's a very a good example it's a very good example of how you can consent to sex, but then certain things go on. And you're like, I didn't consent to that.

I'm on some Trevor Bauer shit. I consented to this man thing. KFC is describing womanhood right now. Yeah. I was like, oh, I get it. Girls, you can say yes to one thing, but not the others. Like when my boy got fucked with a stiletto. When you go to the stiletto.

Yeah. Stiletto, my own pussy. You know what I mean? It's like all different. Dude, that's crazy. Okay, so I was wondering why the vibes were so like gay the next day. I was like, something's up. You guys, okay.

What is your vibe as a girl in that city? I mean, it's obviously very different if you're a guy, like a group of guys. I would imagine some girls do it, but I guess there's not very many girl groups going to the banana room and shit like that. I don't think so. It's still fun, right?

We smoked and drank and had a blast, but I don't know if... Is there a red light district portion for straight chicks? I don't think so i don't think that's this idea maddie yes let's go overseas and start the red light district we'll call it the pink light district oh we're uh we're calling it barstools pink light districts can someone get dave on the line um what was i gonna say no the red light i'm a regular girl i'm like i'm a regular girl so i can give a regular girl perspective i think the red light I'm a regular girl I'm a regular girl so I can give a regular girl perspective I think the red light district

is a little creepy big time right I didn't expect the girls to look like bitches that I might know I I don't know how to explain it but I was like

oh they all look like they could be in nursing school you know what I mean like I thought it was gonna be like Betty Boop like come on in a little mystery

with like a silhouette no they're standing in like an empty storefront some of them were on their phones i was like okay give me some respect that we haven't really talked about like the one section uh and i didn't know this going in so i'm sure if you're a listener and you know it like you've heard of the red light district you know i didn't know about it you walk down like alleyways and they're standing in like

glass doors that look like barbie boxes they look it looks like they're a doll in a box yeah and i i guess you just like say yes like i choose you i don't even know how that would work yeah it's like a zoo and they're you know happy to be there i guess and some of them are like super hot and then some of them are like very regular looking people and then some of them are not even good looking at all and i'm like oh wow you just have like the the choice of whatever you're into but that like i'll do the show i'll go to the strip club and i won't judge anybody for doing anything but if you go if you strut down a fucking alleyway and pick a chick out of a fucking glass box, we're getting

into some weird territory. Definitely weird. Some of the girls had lip fillers. I was like, whoa! They're just girls. I don't even know how to describe it. Once I realized they were just girls, I got freaked out. I also realized it's not expensive.

I can't imagine how much they're making. And I don't know how much things cost over there. I think the rent is cheap on those places, though. I would imagine. It's only a 10 by 10 box. Yeah. But I mean, God, some of that made me like, I was kind of like.

I know someone who did get a service by one of the girls there. And he said she was really mean and really transactional. And he couldn't come. Yeah, yeah. Well, the strippers were like, I said it was like a man-to-man defense. They showed up and it was like, you go with him. I'll go with him. You go with him.

We're all going to ask for, like, take us to the back. Take us to the back. When I was dying. I think they just got no time for like, you know, there's only so many hours in a night. And if you're going to sit there and not do lap dances, like get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. But I was like not do lap dances, get the fuck out.

I was like, okay, I'll get the fuck out. I'm happy to leave. As I was dodging the one, she got so annoyed with me. She knocked my head off. Yeah, they get violent. Yeah, they were. It's also like, all right, we're on your turf, so you can play by your rules or whatever.

I was kind of like, okay, we're not just going to drink beers or anything here. We got to go. Yeah, it's very like, you're here for one reason. And it's to get dick stuck. Do you know what I mean? Yes, it is. They're probably like, you know, 90% of the guys walking through the door are looking for one thing.

Why are we even dealing with the 10% who are like just here to hang out? Go to a regular bar, you losers. It's kind of true. It's like, we're here for horse. Go to the sports bar to watch sports. And if you're another guy getting serviced, you don't want 10 guys just drinking beers.

That's a good point. If I was down and out and I was like, all right, I'm going to go to the district and get some. And all you guys are just talking about LeBron. Jordan's better because he's never lost in the finals. And I'm like, oh, come on. Well, you know, Rogan had on fucking

Conor McGregor, and that episode was crazy. They're like, I can't get hard. So for you, though, so then it was just like, I mean, it was a crazy party night because it was like a lot of booze and shit like that,

but it's not like the rest of it. It's like take it or leave it, right? Yeah. Would you go back? Yeah, I would go back was like a lot of booze and shit like that but it's not like the rest of it just like take it or leave it right yeah i think like would you go back yeah i would go back for like a while but like five days yeah chill i'm not yeah yeah i got property in amsterdam uh i i would like to have like seen yeah i probably would have done a like i didn't do the mushrooms because i I don't do them so I was like, I don't want to do anything too foreign to me because I'll like fuck up my night. But if I was there

for a little while longer and it was like, alright, I'm going to go to like a nice part of town and get the pancakes and be all lined up and everything. It was, did you go to the Anne Frank house? No, I didn't do shit. Dude, you were truly like in and out and you had to work and everything too. Yeah, I was't do shit. You were truly like in and out and you had to work

and everything too. Yeah, I was like, I don't know why I went to London. That pissed me off. I was like, you can't be cranky in London. I was cranky in London.

I was like, there's no fucking Rite Aid. Cranky in London is a great phrase. I was cranky in London, man. Really? But the day that we first got there,

I just went so hard that the next day I woke up at like 3 p.m. You were. Yeah, so did I. And we'll go at 2. Yeah, yeah. And then we went to the show that night. I mean, you went beer for beer, job for shot, joint for joint, the whole nine.

Yeah, I did the whole thing. You were impressive. I think that was like the hardest I've ever partied. Was it? Because I was like, I get the impression you can hang. Yeah. But I was like, God damn. Yeah.

Manny Smith can go. Oh, I can fucking go. And then that's how I trap guys in. I go hard. And then the minute we're dating, I'm like, so I'm sober. The funniest part for me was we smoked those joints at the very first bar and i watched oh yeah you get high like that and a second her eyes her eyes were open and they were half closed like that it was like boom hi and you said something that made like very little sense and you started

laughing you were like i'm so high i was freaking out it's 10 10 i know i got like 12 hours to go but then you made it i know that's what happened i start i got a little spark too early on and i think it was definitely showing in the chinese restaurant oh you were no sense you were like spinning the lazy spinning the lazy so we were just high in beer and i didn't sleep on the flight. We got to Amsterdam. I was like, I didn't sleep a wink. Yeah, you're going to get fucked up early then. There was like at one point I gave someone a soup dumpling and it was attached to a spoon.

You know the spoon? Yeah. And I tried to rip it off and it went everywhere. Everyone was like, leave it, Maddie, leave it. And I was like, what are you taking about? It's in this bean. So I got fucked up early. And then in my brain, I was was like if you keep going this hard

you're gonna black the fuck out so chill for a second don't make a fool of yourself by the way there's cameras everywhere so i'm like yeah let's go hard on camera like a fucking idiot you were like we had to document everything no yeah but also like i didn't know um bert's team does like barstool we're we've always like if you're going somewhere there's a camera in your face phone in your face we just always do that but bert's team does that as Barstool, we've always, like if you're going somewhere, there's a camera in your face, a phone in your face. We just always do that. But Bert's team does that as well. Like even just walking down the street to the next spot,

getting B-roll, just constantly cameras. And I was just like, oh. It was a lot. Can I sign away from this? No, literally. And I was so high. And all I could picture was like, because Bert's like storytelling, like punchlines, blah, blah, blah. And I kept going in and out of high.

So on the back of whatever B-roll you guys have, it's just going to be me realizing I'm supposed to be paying attention. So I'm going this way, and then everyone will laugh. I'm like, ha, ha, ha. Totally, totally. And I'm right next to Bert, too. Everyone's surrounding Bert like Gandalf came to town. Kneeling next to him like, oh, yes, tell us about the time in Copenhagen.

Just holding court, like so many joints being passed around. Dude, he does. I mean, he's, you know, what? I think he just turned 50 or 52 or something like that. Yeah. And he lived, he worked for the Travel Channel

and he's just a party man. So, I mean, that dude has stories. Yes. Endless. For days. Endless amount of stories from every corner of the world. And they're good stories. I can tell a lot of stories. They're all going to come from

Murray Hill and the village. He's got stories from the Amazon and this and that. It's fun to party with him. And his stories are like well thought out and stuff. I'm always like, do I tell a story? Well, you're a woman, you know. I know, I know.

We're bad. Girl on a guy's trip. Did you guys talk about that? She got so mad about that. I know. know we're bad girl on a guy's trip you guys talk about that I know I don't think she knew the context I didn't either I was like it's been a joke it's actually a dead joke that we have beaten to death at Barstool already but did you just say girls on a guy's trip I was like yeah

she was like FYI you're on our trip I was like yeah by the time that we saw Connelly from Entourage She was like, FYI, you're on RHS. I was like, ew. Okay. By the time that we saw Connelly from Entourage, I was on a different planet. That was the end of the night. That was funny because you were on a different planet and you just kept being like, Entourage! I've never seen the show. I think you thought you were having a fucking hallucination.

You were just like, Gary, what the fuck is going on? I've never seen the show. Never were like having a fucking hallucination. You were like, you're E. What the fuck is going on? I've never seen the show. Never? Yeah. Like one episode? Literally. And I kept being like, E. That's almost impossible.

Like out of all the shows of our generation, having not seen one episode of Entourage is pretty crazy. I only started watching Curb recently. I feel like those are like kind of guy shows. I mean, Entourage definitely. Curb's not. Curb, I don't think crazy. I only started watching Curb recently. I feel like all those are kind of guy shows. I mean, Entourage definitely. Curb's not. Curb, I don't think so. I know. You think that's his guy show?

Yeah. Really? I just have very... I'm like Sex and the City. I'm newly into the other stuff. Unfortunately, it's better than the girl stuff. What's like the... Yeah, I was going to say.

You ever start watching guy stuff and you're like, fuck, they're smart. Wait a second. I'm listening. Yeah, so I never said, but I'll watch it because I met the guy. So was he just like vibing in the red light district? So no, he was already there for work and was like, I'm going to pop in and just say hi to you guys. He had a flight 9 a.m. that next day. So he was like, I just want to come say hi.

And he did more than that. He stayed for quite a while. Okay. I thought we just ran into him at the banana club. I was like, pervert. Caught ya. Caught ya. Yeah.

I took the shrooms, and the shrooms, I think, actually changed my night. Because without the shrooms, I would have blacked out too early on, got really sloppy. But when I started taking the shrooms, they kind of leveled me. Really? It just made me super chatty for the rest of the night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It made me super pukey. Yeah.

I saw you puke. I pretended I didn't. Oh, you saw me? Yeah. I love people who do that. I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't see anything. Yeah, I was like, do you need any currency exchange? And I kept on.

And then the next day they were making fun of you. And I was like, yeah. I saw it too. But there was such a mixture of drugs. And I don't know. There's so much weed there too. And when I bought weed with a girl, Tashaasha our serbian host with the curly hair and this girl looked exactly i think like the girl from white lotus yeah yeah she did and she dressed like her

yeah she had the whole she had like a bucket hat that said like in rhinestones like sweet like obsessed with you so i zoomed in on her and then her and I just ran around all day. And then at the first place, the bulldog, we bought weed. It was when you had to go downstairs. And I'm stupid. I'm just like, so Bert's like, give us something giggly. So what do I do? I go up to the front. Everyone there's like,

oh, he tries to go in with a camera. They're like, no, no, no, no camera. So immediately they know we're fucking white trash Americans. Just being like, let's see what it's like to buy weed in Amsterdam. Everyone's just there trying to fucking not have an existential crisis. And I was like, can I have something that's like a little bubbly, maybe pre-roll? Cause I'm not really good at rolling.

Just goofy, vibey. And he's like, you're saying like, you're saying something like, you're saying everything that I don't need to know. What do you want? And then I was like that I don't need to know what do you want and then I was like I don't know and then Tasha had to step in but then later

I went to the Bulldog again and bought more weed and I told them exactly what I wanted that's what's up learning experience said it in a Dutch accent say it with your chest

yeah now we're dating so it's pretty cool how was the comedy side of things like that theater looked pretty fucking amazing oh that was horrifying

I think I talk a little too fast for Dutch people to be honest so you had a moment behind backstage you were like solo kind of just like getting in the vibe

and I was like and I think you were pretty stoned right not before the show oh okay so you were just in that moment waited on it

but hungover and I was just like you know what are you thinking and you were like I'm not sure they're going to understand me and I was like you know I really you thinking? And you were like, I'm not sure they're going to understand me.

And I was like, you know, I thought about that before. When you're overseas, obviously they speak English, but do they get all the jokes and do they get the references? And you go, oh, no, no, no, I'm not talking about language. They're not going to get me. I was like, oh, okay. I was like, no, they can speak English. I think they're just not going to get it. I think you're crazy.

I mean, I thought you murdered it. Oh, I thought it was fun, but I definitely feel like it was. I thought the crowd was laughing. I thought everyone was loving it. I think I'm too fast. You are fast, though. It's very unique. I don't know anybody else who kind of does it, but it's like rapid fire.

It's almost like you're rapping. You're spitting and blah, blah, blah. You're thinking of the tongue, and it's like, whoa. Well, I'm on Wild N' Out I mean honestly does that make sense that you think that like that yeah

just like keep it moving yes very little like down time down time nothing's really serious there's no substance to my comedy so

if you guys come out you won't change anything about the way you think but you will know what my body count is so anyway I think I was just like

a lot for Amsterdam yeah they were which is interesting to say they seem like a more they're very like put together I don't know how to say it

you know what was weird was like I thought like the civilians all looked like beautiful and like yeah like put together.

And then it was like, why don't we put you guys in the glass boxes? How come you're not the servers? Some of our servers, we were at that one bar right after the pancake in the casino. And then we were at that bar just drinking. We were like, we're going to go shower. The lips? Yeah. Someone who was there with us, his name rhymes

with schmert, said everyone here is fucking beautiful. And then someone else was like, yeah, the girls have like upper lips. I was like, okay, new insecurity unlocked. But our server, she had lips that went over like this. She looked kind of like

Avatar-ish. The girls were cute there. She was stunning. There was a girl at the roulette table who was just by herself, probably a gambling addict, just fucking putting shit down. And I was like, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. I was like, let me just get you an Instagram account, and you'll be fucking rich by tomorrow. Tomorrow.

You don't need to be gambling $5 at the roulette table on a Wednesday in fucking Amsterdam. We will make you rich tomorrow. That was what I noticed about Amsterdam and maybe even just Europe in general. The poor people are also hot. Can you believe that? Can you believe that? Here it's only the wealthy. Us three.

No, but here you... If they went to a casino in the middle of Pennsylvania, they would see the ugliest motherfuckers of their life. Oh, yeah, big time. But in Amsterdam, that's where the ugly people are supposed to be, and they're still gorgeous. That was a bit Louie did at the garden we went to on Saturday night. He was like, the homeless people, you're not allowed to get in. If you don't have a home, you don't get into anybody else's home.

He was like, even if you had enough money to get a ticket in here, we wouldn't let you in. There's no homeless here. He was like, there's tons of enough money to get a ticket in here, we wouldn't let you in. There's no homeless here. He was like, there's tons of homeless people in New York City. No, not in here. We're safe. Don't worry. It was great. But that was that I was saying, getting

a crowd cheering and laughing for you overseas, I feel like it's like all the people recognizing Bert is crazy to me. It's like you're getting recognized in another fucking country. That's what you were saying, yeah. And even getting like a laugh. By the end of the trip, I wanted just one person, and a couple guys kept coming up to us,

and I would be like, and they'd be like, yo, what's up, bro? And I was like, oh, you're traveling abroad or whatever. Yeah. And then finally at the show, there was one guy who was like, um, is this KFC? Yeah. Is this KFC radio?

And I was like, yes, we got one. We got one who knows us. He's like, I'm from Michigan. Ah, kidding, kidding, kidding.

Yeah, Bert, like people recognizing you overseas is crazy. That's crazy. There were a lot. Selling out fingers. There were a lot.

And then they went the next night to somewhere a hundred miles away and sold that shit out too? Yeah. The fuck? Those guys are wild, man. Are you paying the price now?

Yes. Are you back to normal? I feel like we have to send you to the hospital after this. I'm paying the price. I'm considering. Yeah. I know. I know.

I was like, we got to get through this recap episode. It's a big one for us. I know everyone wants to hear it. And then we'll send John to the ER. Yeah. So did you drink a lot on the day that we party partied? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I drank a lot. I mean, John is a fucking... So when this trip started, I was like, I'm very nervous. I don't party anymore. And Bert, obviously, you know, people know Bert. I was like, this guy can go toe-to-toe with anybody in the world as long you know whatever you should do a case race you and i that would be a team that would be a fucking team we're done in 10 minutes yeah we're bored not even buzzed

but so i was like john john will be absolutely fine doing this. Maybe throw up on an Asian woman, that's about it. John could have kept going. Into the tiniest trash can, I might say. Wasn't it a trash can with a hole on top?

Yeah. He nailed it. He got one little bit missed with the rest of it. It was like, there was a magnet in there just sucking it in. Recycling only,

no problem. But yeah, then we got home and then the next night was Louie, and we hit the bar pretty early for that, too. So we've really been, and then you went out for football yesterday. Yeah. So, like, John hasn't stopped. Right.

I know. I drank yesterday. I regret it. Yeah. I feel like shit today as well. I feel like shit. Yeah. I feel really bad.

I went right to. I haven't felt like this since England. That was bad. Yeah, that was really bad. Do you want to go to the hospital for that? No. Okay. No. Then we probably should.

I went right from the airport to my son's karate belt ceremony. And a lot of people were sending me the meme of where there's the guy partying and it's the guy off in the corner. And it was like, they don't know that I just saw a live sex show. The people at the thing, the bubble just said, we're at a karate belt ceremony, dude.

And then they had basketball the next morning. And then Louis at night. And then Keegan had strep throat. Like I haven't really stopped either, but not drinking. I just came back and fucking whacked me in the face. My IUD is cramping up right now.

It's awful. I just kept drinking. Wait, um, KFC, I was, I was actually impressed. Cause you,

if you say you don't party, you were just like, like vibing with people who were like fucked up the whole time no no don't get me wrong i i partied like i stopped partying i used to party when i was younger and i stopped and i was like i don't know how much when i do go out now i have a martini you know whatever some wine keep it keep it light um but i was like i'm gonna dig back and like we'll see but that type of partying i can do yeah like it was cool just smoking some weed and drinking some beers if we

were starting to really rip shots yeah and do that kind of shit i probably would have like tapped out early yeah also i'll say this i'll i will admit this everywhere in amsterdam does um a small medium large beer it was so funny which i like liked. Yeah, we were in that one part. They were like, big or small? I'm like, big beer. Yeah. But every time you guys went big beer, I would just get a medium.

Yeah. So I could go round for round with everybody and just kind of be a little bit of a pussy and drink mediums. That's actually true. Yeah. Because when you're getting skipped entirely, it's like you're not drinking with us.

You're not partying with us. I hate that. You suck. When it's just like you guys drink more than me and faster than me, but every time I'm ready to go for another one, I was like, we should all do this at every bar. I know. The small medium large was awesome.

Small is a little unnecessary. It should just be big and small. Or like, you know, two sizes. I know. But the, uh, but I was ordering, if you order a small, you're a pussy. Come on. I know. Medium, you're kind of, medium, you're a pussy.

Small, you're a faggot. Wait, there was one I didn't realize because i was so i was so like high all day like i didn't realize the beers were small until i sent a photo my friend and they're like why is the glasses so small and then i was on shrooms and i was like oh my god but we were in no because i was like we were in that bar right after the casino and I felt like

everyone was just fucked up and fucked up and KFC's just sitting there like in a good way just like still totally coherent

and I was like oh he's still he's still alive he's still in the normal world I paced myself well and hit my like it's also very nice when you in a place where you can smoke weed you can be like i don't want to drink anymore because i'm getting high and i

don't want to ruin my high you know if you're just at a regular american bar where all you do is drink it's like why aren't you drinking drink more right it's like i can be like no no i just had an edible or i just smoked whatever so So yeah, I was proud of myself. Yeah, I like having weed in bars. I know that doesn't sound groundbreaking. That is a very, very, very cool thing. Really cool. And it's also like, it's fine.

I don't know if in America people think it's going to degenerate and society is going to fall apart. It was like, this is a regular-ass city. Regular-ass city. There's a couple extra candy stores, and the rubber ducky stores. Yeah, what's that about? There were multiple storefronts with just shelves

and rows and rows and rows and rows and rows and rows of rubber duckies. At first, I was like, are those like, you can smoke out of them? Are they something

I don't know? No, just a fucking rubber ducky. Rubber fucking ducky. I have no idea. Maybe something- That was cooler than the Anne Frank house. The ducky. Rubber fucking ducky. I have no idea. Maybe something. That was cooler than the Anne Frank House. The Anne Frank House was the only thing worse. Oh, yeah.

So you guys went to the Anne Frank House? No, no, no. We went outside the Anne Frank House. Oh, okay. I wanted more of those fucking pancakes. Oh, yeah, yeah. I saw you got some more. And I was told that the best pancake spot is right next to the Anne Frank House.

At the Anne Frank House? Which is a little weird. Imagine being like, yo, I just need the best burger in town. It's right next to the 9-11 Memorial. Yeah, yeah. Just hit up the Towers. It's juicy. The fries are crispy. It's great. Yeah I just need the best burger in town. It's right next to the 9-11 Memorial. Just hit up the Towers. It's juicy. The fries are crispy. It's great.

Yeah, I need the best matzo ball soup. It's right next to Auschwitz. So we were there, and I'm so stupid. When I was a kid and up until I was an adult, I thought of the Anne Frank house as like a house in like the rolling hills, like sound of music, like a little cottage in a green field. And then I realized when they were like, it's in Amsterdam, I was like, oh wow, it's like a city.

It's like an apartment. But then even still, when I saw it, it looks like a new apartment complex in Jersey City. Yeah. It looks like a place that, I'll be honest, Anne Frank had a pretty good. It looks like a place that, I'll be honest, Anne Frank had a pretty good. It looks like a place that you would probably have to pay about, you would probably have to pay about like $4,300 a month

to live in Anne Frank's house. Literally. You got an attic girl and a basement and a couple rooms. Yeah. But I just couldn't believe, I guess when you go inside, it's still like, Preserved.

But that makes me think it's fake. You're telling me you renovated all this shit and just left this one little thing alone? Because didn't they find her shit way later? I would assume, right? I don't know. I don't know. I'm not good at history. Every time I go to a historic site, I'm like, um, which I had a boyfriend.

Tell me what happened here. I went to the Alamo. I was like, I have no idea. What happened? I'm like stupid. I don't know what. I don't know who Anne Frank is. I thought she was an influencer.

She's a believer. She's a believer. That was an all-time one. I thought they found her shit later. They might have. They probably did. I don't think you're wrong on that. They're just guessing that that was where it was.

They put a coffee shop in the bottom floor of the Anne Frank building. It's a coffee shop with glass windows where you can just see everyone drinking and eating. Completely full. It just seems... Full house and a coffee shop. Everyone just doing their business. Disrespectful. Writing your screenplay.

Probably smoking weed. It's like, what the fuck is going on? doing their business. Disrespectful? Writing your screenplay. Probably smoking weed. You know? It's like, what the fuck is going on? The very funny bit that Bert tells on stage and had to do it in Amsterdam

is that he thought Anne Frank was Helen Keller. I know, it's so funny. Which is, they are similar for some reason.

They feel like, you know, girls that you learned about in school that you're like, whoa, this is fucked up. Is that the blind one?

Who would you rather be? Helen Keller, I guess. Probably Helen Keller. She seemed happy. Considering that was a fucking lie, I'll pick Helen. Helen was fine. Helen needed contacts and was a little bit hard of hearing. I'm like, have you heard of LASIK? I'm basically Helen Keller. Yeah. Bitch, get LASIK and was like a little bit hard of hearing. I'm like, have you heard of LASIK?

Bitch, get LASIK and like, read lips a little bit. Yeah, literally. Grow up. And Frank seemed hungry. A lot. And that would be hard. You know what I mean? Speaking of, the hotel we stayed at was bomb!

That was probably the nicest hotel I've ever stayed at. It was not even, it was like, I felt like it was like for kings and queens and shit. And then eventually they were like, ah, let the commoners stay in here. I don't know what to do with it. Yeah. That was awesome.

I had like a big fucking window. Yeah. I opened it up and it was like, there was like birds flying and a fucking like a steeple of a church or some shit. And I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. It was unbelievable. steeple of a church or some shit and I was like what the fuck it's unbelievable I heard for those who want

some Amsterdam tea Tasha said everyone there's a huge mouse problem in Amsterdam every apartment has a cat

and every shop has a cat every cheese shop has mice running through it because of the canals yeah that makes sense

sounds like a Disney movie yeah the mice are probably the mice wear hats yeah they have little mustaches in the cold mice are probably like, the mice wear hats. They have little mustaches and they're so weird. Yeah. Hello, you're the mice of Amsterdam.

Hey, feeling weird. Yeah, the morning we left, I got like a smoked salmon platter for room service. You're fancy, huh? Yeah, she was bomb. Yeah. A little smoked salmon, a little rye bread. And those pancakes were good, too. Oh, God, I loved them. It was the trip of a lifetime, that's for certain.

It was a good trip. I can't believe, like, for me, that's, like, you know, probably it, but you'll probably go back on tour and do another European tour and do that again, and it's like, that's just your life. Right. And that sucks. Especially if you're down. I'm really tired.

Tired all the time. All the time, yeah. Well, it was an all-timer. We if you're down. I'm really tired. Tired all the time. All the time. Yeah. Well, it was an all-timer. We might have lost John. This may be it for him. It might be it. But if it was, it was a good run.

Really? We went out on top. I might die right now. Oh, no. You just need one night of sleep. That's what we were saying. Tomorrow we're not working. Tomorrow we're taking off.

Yeah, take off. It'll say, here lies John with a stiletto in his ass. Oh, my God. Bury me with a stiletto in my ass. Did that hurt? Yeah. Yeah, it hurt pretty good. Was there any sanitizing before it went in your mouth?

None whatsoever. Really? Nope. Went straight ATM. Oh, my God. Right out of my ass. My favorite part of the whole fucking story is he came down, and what he was trying to ask was,

was the same one that was in my ass the one in my mouth? Right, right. But he just said to us, was that in my ass? And me and Nick were like, you tell us, man. We don't know. You're the one with the asshole being penetrated. Oh, my God. Dude, was she wearing the stiletto? Yep.

Oh, so she stepped up, put it in your ass. It went from the streets of Amsterdam to the floor of a whorehouse. Right. John's asshole to his mouth. Wow. Dude, MVP. Yeah. That's crazy.

That's why I didn't go. Yeah. It could have been my ass. Imagine. And I don't do butt stuff. Imagine if we were just like, no, give it to Maddie. Right. I know, right?

She can take it. What if Maddie was the one doing it? What if Maddie was like, oh, I'll participate. I know. Give me that shit. Yes, oh my God. That would be crazy. That would have been great.

Yeah, that's why I didn't go, because I thought they were going to pluck me out and make me do some crazy stuff. Imagine if it was just like, did Maddie just rape John? Maddie just raped John Pfeiffer. No, he wanted it. Look what he's wearing. Come on. You didn't have to ask him wanted it. Look what he's wearing. Come on. You didn't have to ask him for it.

All right. Well, thank you for coming and giving your side of things. Yes, thanks for having me. And John, you go to the hospital. Oh, last thing, real quick. So I did a little shopping. I love this brand Filling Pieces, and it's a European brand. And so I've ordered a couple things online, a couple sneakers,

but I've never actually been able to shop in the storefront. So as I was walking around, I found it, and I went ham, and I just bought like two pairs of sneakers and a jacket, a couple shirts. And they had some rule that if you spent like over – it wasn't that much. It was like over like $250 or $300. $350, yeah. Oh, okay. It was cheap there too

it actually was it was not like you know usually if you buy some of these street wear brands are like $100 for just like a t-shirt I was getting like

sneakers and jackets and shit for like I bought $1,000 in cash I came home with like $950 well that's also because we went with Burke right here

I know that's true that's true or the fact that we went with a baller. That's very true. But they were like, anybody who spends over $350 gets a fucking skateboard. So they are designed. I'll be honest.

The one that was on display was white and gray and much cooler than this. But I think he kind of just did like 100 boards and spray painted them or whatever. And however they came out, they came out. So this is the one they gave me. It's number 81 out of a hundred. But this is how they wrote it. I don't know if you can see that. But when they showed it to me, I was like, I was like, how fucked up am I?

I was like, I don't know what number that is. I was like, I was like eight V, eight upside down V. So that was 81 out of 100. Don't skateboard at all. Furthest thing from it. But I'm leaving the travel. It's an odd sized baggage. I couldn't check it.

They said it's a weapon. So they put all these stickers on it. They shipped it separately. And I want everybody who was on the trip to sign it. And then I can put it up in the studio. Absolutely. So I'm leaving all the stickers on. So I got to get you two to sign it. And then next time I see Shane and Mark and Bert, we'll get them to sign it and then I can put it up in the studio. Absolutely. I'm leaving all the stickers on so I've got to get you two to sign it

and then next time I see Shane and Mark and Bert we'll get them to sign it and this will be the Amsterdam skateboard. Awesome. Cool way to end the trip. What's the bottom? Sorry. KLM?

Is that their like... We were flying Delta but when we went there they were like KLM Airlines. I was like... Oh, that was like the... We were flying Delta, but when we went there, they were like KLM Airlines. I was like, does Delta have like a studio name? Like a... I don't know. We look really stupid.

We're like, I don't know, Anne Frank. We don't deserve to travel here. We're always dumb here. This is awesome. No, I'm so dumb. This is awesome.

Yeah, so we'll get you a pen. You can sign it. And we'll get Anne Frank to sign it too. Yes. And the stiletto stripper. We'll get you a pen you can sign. And we'll get Anne Frank to sign it too. And the stiletto stripper. We'll find her. We'll find her. I'm pretty sure if it smells...

That's a dry erase, I think. So that's not good? Hold it up. That's going to wipe off. We'll find one. I'll pretend. For the camera. There you go. Amazing.

I got Maddie Smith's autograph. All right. Thank you, Maddie. We appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. So fun.

Time to sleep. Time to sleep. Yeah. Oh, Maddie, do you want to plug anything? Oh, Maddie Smith

Comedy.com. Got it. That's fine. Do you want to plug anything? Oh, maddysmithcomedy.com. Got it. That's fine. Thank you. Thank you.