KFC Radio - Gabriel Iglesias, Christmas Photo Tyrants, Marrying Your Sex Doll, and Brobangs

Episode Date: December 3, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review! Please tweet us your favorite quotes from the episode. -A Man in eastern europe married his sex doll -Another man in eastern europe passed anti-lgbtq legislation and then was caught in the middle of a 25 man orgy -Kelly Clarkson's Ex husband wants half a million per month -Larsa Pippen is seen with another NBA player -AITA Thursday -Voicemails (01:51:30) Gabriel Iglesias returns to the show! He tells us how we sent him down a rabbit hole of alien youtube, performing the stand up for the first time in half a year, focusing on acting while he can't do standup and much more. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @FluffyGuy Subscribe to our youtube for daily content www.youtube.com/c/kfcradio Jump in on the discussion in our facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/990412718092363You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's right now. It's another line. It's another one. I know that one. The show's over! John's exited the studio, folks. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. We're going overseas today.

We're going to the Eastern Bloc. Sure. We're going to the Eastern Bloc where we've got a bunch of, you know, IA's. We got IA's? Romania. Yeah, Romania, Hungary. We got a bunch of IA's where there's a lot of wacky shit going on. You've got Serbia.

There's always an Ia that's just ready to kill me. Crimea. Crimea River. Get it? We've got Gabriel Iglesias on later. He's funny. We're not doing this anymore. I'm not doing it. We're done.

We'll reconvene after lunch. Press pause. I'm not doing it. We're done. We'll reconvene after lunch. Press pause. I'm not doing it. Crimea River! Crimea River. But we'll start off with the gentleman in... Yours is Hungary, right? So mine's Romania.

Correct. Who is marrying his sex doll and we've seen like stories like this before where it's like you go down to the courthouse or some shit and you get like some sort of paperwork that says like yeah okay you now have like a civil union legal union with this thing or object or whatever this motherfucker had a wedding he got married to his sex doll and it was one of those things where at first i was making fun of him and then i was kind of like you know you know not too bad not too bad at all. He had a nice wedding. He's got a woman,

an object that pleases him sexually. And there's not much fighting that goes on. Really, who's the wacky one here? It all sounds nice. But, let's also address the elephant in the room. The homophobes are right.

What? The conservative movement was right. The homophobes are right. What? The conservative moment was right. The slippery slope. Here we go. Oh, we let men marry men. What's next? Dogs? We're six months from dogs.

Oh, I can't believe we haven't had a dog. It's particularly dogs. We've had ghosts. We've had robots. I mean, look, I don't agree with them, but the slippery slope has slipped. I mean, we are sliding down the slope. We are. Like a fucking, one of those speed sides.

We're chasing a fucking rainbow wheel of cheese down the hill. Grr. I love the way those guys roll down. They roll, they hit, and then they fly in the air, and then they roll and hit. This isn't how I wanted to start the show. Johnny Homophobe.

Team Homophobe. I want to be clear. I do not agree with them. But they might have had a point. I don't agree with them, but they're correct. Not only are we allowing this, we're defending it. We're like, pretty good idea here. It's the same when it's like, marrying a dude?

That sounds like it makes a lot of sense you know well yeah no in that sense we got someone else to help you pick things up we can you know you don't have to mow the lawn every time yeah well uh to piggyback off our last episode we were talking about tom and bert getting the gifts for each other they um so their whole theory about that kind of spun into gay guys must have the best gift-giving relationships. Right, right, right. You know? And so all these gay listeners of theirs wrote in.

And, I mean, it was proven 100% true. Like, they got each other bomb-ass gifts. And to the point that this one guy wrote in, he wasn't even gay. He was straight and his wife or his girlfriend whatever was gave him like a um something that wasn't even in a box it was like already opened and she put it in a bag and was like here you go and then they went to like a holiday party and it was like just someone else they knew who was a gay guy and he got him a nintendo switch with like three games and multiple controllers and a case.

And so he said when he got the bag of shit gift, he said – he's like I looked her in the eyes and I said you don't love me enough. And then they go to this party. This random guy gives him like the perfect gift. And he said he like almost made her cry about it. But yeah. Speaking of gifts from guys, how about this sweater? Is that a gift? It's fire.

Nick Tarani got it for me at a thrift shop in West Virginia. He just saw it and thought I'd like it. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, see, that's thoughtful. Like that guy – let me feel it. Yeah. I mean, that guy, he knows what you like.

He gave that probably more thought than any girl has ever given you on a guest. I think it was when they were, like, going to see Frank the Tank or whatever they were in West Virginia recently for. And he's like, we're in a thrift shop, and I saw it, and I was just like. That's a Feidelberg fit. Now, but you know what is also funny, though? Knowing Nick Tarani, who always roasts you and hates your style, he was like, this piece of shit, Feidelberg would love it. But every time I wear it, he just looks at me from across the room and smiles. Yep.

That's right. But here's the, by the way, we're not like agreeing. We're actually still anti-homophobe. Because we're condoning. Staunchly anti-homophobe. But even in the context of this, because we're condoning the behavior. They were correct that it's a slippery slope. We're just agreeing that the slope.

Yeah, marry whoever the fuck you want. Marry the dog. Right. I really, it's more surprising knowing how we are as a culture that people haven't married their dogs. I mean, we have fucking people on ATI who say, like, I'll kill myself if my dog can live a happy life. We have entire towns who elect dogs mayor. What? We have entire towns who elect dogs mayor. Who? We have entire towns who elect dogs mayor.

Who did that? Plenty of towns. It's happened plenty of times throughout history. So how are they not marrying them? I'm going to find out if there's any. Is there a current dog mayor? I'm also just going to Google this. Marrying dogs.

Yeah, several people have. Married their dogs. Yeah, I mean, so, yeah, you were right, homophobes. We just don't care. That's what it comes down to. Woman marries her dog live on This Morning. Meet the dog mayors of America. This country's fucked.

Bosco. A black Bosco. Bosco. What's Bosco? Did someone catch that reference? It's a great one. From, well, there's multiple references. Bosco is in, it's that old woman, the old lady.

Bosco. She's from Happy Gilmore, I believe, but it's Costanza's pin code. By the way, one of the funniest scenes ever is when Kramer is guessing it. What does he say? He's just like, I guess your pin code. And then he just

goes, birthday, birthday, throw them out. You don't care about those. And he just starts interrogating them. And he's just goes, birthday, birthdays, throw them out. You don't care about those. And he just starts interrogating them. And he's just like, and what do you, what is it you crave? Oh, it's that sweet, sweet tooth, isn't it? You always go back to the cocoa bean. I can hear the Kramer voice. I know exactly what it is. But Bosco, a black Labrador, Rottweiler was the mayor of Sunwell, California,

from 81 to 94, multi-term. Lucy Liu, a border collie, was the first female mayor of Rabbit Hatch, Kentucky. Yo, people in Kentucky hate women so much they elect the dog first. I know Mitch McConnell was behind that. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. 100%. Bryneth Paltrow, a pit bull, succeeded Lucy Liu.

They even elected another one. She did so well. Even in America, we were like, all right, we did the funny experiment with the reality TV star. Let's get back to normal. Down there, they were like, let's keep the dog trend going. Let's keep it going. Bryneth Paltrow is the reigning mayor of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky. Rabbit Hash.

Max, a golden retriever, was elected mayor of Idlewild, California in 2013. Sure. Duke, a great Pyrenees, was elected the mayor of Corbin Village, Minnesota in 2014. None of these are in New England. Colorado. San Francisco. San Francisco. That's a big one.

This woman got married on television to her dog some people called it a deeply uncomfortable viewing other people tweeted there has to be a law against this but there was till the god damn liberals changed it

till Obama came in it's all obama's fault but she said back in the good old days women didn't marry their dogs on television i hope it was the woman in vermont or minnesota i think it's vermont the lady who was like a zumba instructor remember she was a big deal at like early barcelona days she was a zumba instructor who was like fucking all her clients yes and also like fucking dogs Remember she was a big deal at like early Barstool days. She was a Zumba instructor who was like fucking all her clients. Yes, yes. And also like fucking dogs on camera.

Yeah, she was a freaky d. Yeah. I saw that video. Did you? Because that was the old days. Like you could find a video like that. You could see it and watch it. There were no laws on the internet.

Now there is some like anti-mustiality. But back in the day you could watch anyone fuck any animal you wanted to. You click on a link now and it says this video is no longer available. That didn't exist ten years ago. Please sign in because this video with rap lyrics in it might scare you. I can't sign in because my fucking YouTube has been banned forever. For ten years. Apparently there was one rule on the internet.

One rule. Stop I just don't. Apparently there was like one rule on the internet. One rule. Stop uploading copyrighted videos. But they gave us 70,000 chances. So many strikes. It was. And it was like such an obvious rule. Just like stop using songs and copyrighted material. And I was like, well, maybe this time they're not going to catch it.

No, I'm just going to strictly rip this fucking music video on Vimeo. Every time. And just upload Britney Spe spears here's toxic so this woman though she said she said she was engaged four times to humans 220 dates uh where she ran into men who were concealing wives men uh who were concealing their age so she had just given up on the men of her species. She said, fuck it, I'm marrying a dog. Now, you know, I don't understand all that.

But the doll, I mean, at least you can fuck the doll. I just mentioned I watched a video where a woman fucked a doll. You can fuck the dog, but it's much more of a thing. You just got to buy a lot of peanut butter. See, even that, you can get the dog to blow you. You can't fuck the dog. Grown, what is that? Well, I mean, she can put it on her pussy.

Again, you're not fucking. A dog can go down on you for sure. She's in a lesbian relationship with the dog. Do you? The dog's wearing a strap-on. Imagine that if it was a female dog. Some lesbian. Oh, man, I didn't tell that to someone. Don't tell that to your great... the dog's wearing a strap on imagine that if it was a female dog some lesbian oh man I didn't tell that to someone

don't tell that to your great call your grandfather right now tell him you heard a story about a woman who was in a lesbian relationship with her male dog my gender fluid dog just call him up tell him that news and hang up My gender fluid dog. Just call him up.

Tell him that news and hang up. And then get your suit ready for the funeral. Then call your parents and say, Pop Pop's dead. Cause of death. My news. I just killed Pop Pop. KFC radio made me do it. Go to the kitchen.

You're going to find his cell phone next to him connected to my call, and he's dead on the ground. That's what you're going to find. Well, this is not further off, though. This guy is a Kazakhstani bodybuilder who married his sex doll. Now, there's more to it, though. Let me explain. It was quite the whirlwind. The unconventional couple got engaged in December 2019 when the bald, blue-eyed hunk who describes himself as a sexy maniac popped the question.

I feel like someone else has to call you a sexy maniac. You can't call yourself a sexy maniac. It's like giving yourself a nickname. He says that he met her at a nightclub where he rescued you. He rescued her from some unwanted attention. What could that possibly mean? He told the Daily Star that the wedding was delayed after he was attacked at a transgender rally in Kazakh, where he suffered a concussion and a broken nose after dressing like a woman for the event i'll tell you this much you dress up as a woman and go to a pro-transgender

rally in kazakhstan you're getting knocked the fuck out that's not going smoothly if san francisco's on one end of the spectrum kazakh's on the other. I can't believe that everybody wasn't just like, I could see Kazakhstan just hitting them with a flamethrower just being like, you guys are all dead. We're getting rid of all of you. I completely agree because I learned that Kazakhstan was a real country many years after

Borat came out. So I imagine that their civil rights are not really up to snuff over there. Nope. But also, like, I mean, he's a bodybuilder. He's a big dude. He's a big cat, yeah. He's actually, he looks like Mosh, you know, the sneaker guy Mosh.

He's a good-looking cat. You know, he's got nice blue eyes. He's got the bald head look if you're into it. Nice beard. He's kind of sexy. Yeah, I mean, he's a hot dude, no doubt. He enjoys BDSM, which, by the way. I also like to think of him, like, in that, as he described, he rescued her from a nightclub.

I like to think of him in, like... As a hero. Yeah, like a John Wick situation. Yeah. Where, like, there was, like, in the VIP club, these guys were fucking fingering this robot, and they were fucking being mean to her. Yeah, slapping her, spitting on her and stuff. And she, like, she to her yeah slapping her yeah and she like she kept trying to get up and she was like no and then he goes up the bottle smashed it killed him and scooped him out the window with her and then rolls on his way out the window so he lands on

the car saves her and then he kind of like stumbles up and he's like you go you go yeah and then they're chasing him but he's got a fucking gun in his fucking ankle so he's and then he fucking rolls under an 18-wheeler, and then when the 18-wheeler passes, he's gone. Thief in the night. Disappeared. Yeah. He had whispered a beating point to her.

I would like maybe one more kill that's a little more passionate. Like, you shot him all right, but the one guy who was, like, the really mean one was still we're still alive and he like drags his foot over down the alley and he finds him and he like grabs him by that fucking head he pulls about he makes him look at the girl and be like like this you see what you did to my girl i'm like this is what you get then he just like smashes his face a couple times and pow puts one in his head lets him know maybe even like decapitates him you're like youitates him, leave it there for the rest of the club.

Yeah, and fucks his head. Yeah, fucks his throat. Then he had a threesome with the fucking doll and the severed head at the Burger King. We got to Ed Kemper fast. It says he is into the kinky stuff here. He's into BDSM, which I don't think I, do you know all the terms of BDSM? Fuck no. I barely know what BDSM means. I don't know what BDSM means. I terms of BDSM? Fuck no. I barely know what BDSM means.

I don't know what BDSM means. I mean, I know the S is... Sadomasochism. Yeah. And I thought it was bondage, which it is. But then I guess I realized... So bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. All that.

All that rolled up in there. Wait. Do it again? The BD is bondage and discipline. Okay. And the SM is sadomasochism. And somewhere in there, they also have domination and submission. So I guess that's just not in there. So it would need to be BDDSSM.

Yeah, that's not okay. You can't just say that that's just adding things like LGBTQ they add all the letters maybe they're saying like it could be bondage, discipline, sadomasochism or you can just be like no it's bondage, domination

submission and masochism all those extras all do start with the letters BDSRM so they just don't reiterate them because then you need to be like BB, DD, SS, or M. So they just don't reiterate them. Because then you need to be like B, B, D, D, S, S, M, M. It's easier to just be like B, D, S, M, and you pick and choose which the B, the D, the S, and the M is. I guess you're right, but it's also like saying ESPN stands for Entertainment, Sports Programming, Football, Hockey, Basketball Network.

But in this case, it's just weird that they all start with those letters. You dropped hockey. I don't know why I said that. It's a little bit redundant, too, as well. Which I don't care about anymore, by the way. What? Nothing. I was talking about something completely different.

We're way off track. Yeah. Let's get back to the Romanian bodybuilder. By the way, I said it was Romania. It's clearly Kazakhstan. So, whatever. But Margo. I'm crying.

You're a river. He says, I love being tortured. I can endure a lot of pain, but I love to dominate too. And Margo is capable of what other people are not capable of. That means he beats the shit out of this doll. No, but he said he likes to dominate. I know. That was weird.

I don't know how she – Is she a robot or a doll? He said, I love to dominate too. He said he can endure pain. It looks like she is a very realistic doll, but I don't think she's moving. She's hot. It's a hot couple. She is fucking hot. This is without a doubt. This picture, that picture with her in the blonde

is hot. Other ones, she looks a little more too much like a doll, but that looks just like a hot woman in the pink wig. Knowing zero people from Kazakhstan, I can say that's the hottest couple in Kazakhstan. Undoubtedly. Like that one, she looks a little too dollish to me that's yeah that's not that's not but um that's but so and then if you look at the pictures go to the kfc radio twitter feed um we'll put the pictures up i mean he had like a nice ass

wedding there's a wedding party there's friends they're doing the bouquet in the air they're doing dancing you know it was he had a full-ass wedding uh to this doll and so i i posed a couple questions one being who's crazier the man who marries the doll or the people who and i come i came around on all these none of them are ended up crazy okay the man who married the doll or the people who go to the wedding and treat it as a real wedding for the man and the doll oh those people aren't crazy at all i would i mean if this guy send me an invite i don't know igor if i had to guess uh the i will be at the wedding i i would now love to attend because because it would be fun fun yes so uh i think our guy i think it was our guy Kroll who texted me or tweeted me saying like, bro, you get an invite to a doll wedding.

That's like a once in a lifetime opportunity. So I'm down for this. I'm down for it to be like, I got to go check this out. It's almost like an investigative journalist at this point. I got to witness this and see what happens. I'm down for the good old, like there's a lot of people like, is it open bar? Is there food? Is there dance?

Is there booze? Like, I'm there. So that I can get down with. If you expect me to play along with your charade, though, and be like, you guys are such a cute couple. So where did you meet? And da-da-da. See, I would. Those people are crazy.

I would do it just because it would make me laugh. So you would keep a straight face and then afterwards just be like, oh, my God. I'm so happy I finally found. See, I would do that if I had a GoPro. I would need to document that. See, I'd be like, no, I'll put my phone in the Chappelle bag. That's okay. I'm here literally just for me.

I want it. What would you get as a gift well that's i mean if you're buying gifts what would you know what i would get is like uh you know you got to get like a like those sex toy cleaners you know like here's some lube because you fuck a rubber thing every night that guy needs endless amounts of like ky yeah you know like here's also to be realistic, like, once he hits menopause, you got to stop using KY. I'm sure. You got to just start fucking it hot. God damn.

What if you just got him? What if you, like, I would go to that wedding with a doll. See, that's what's so funny about this. Like, when you see these pictures, there's a picture of him on a boat. And she, on like a ferry more, like, and he's like posted up with her. There's a picture of her in bed. There's a picture of him holding her hands up while they cheer for the wedding. And the pictures look fine.

But, like, then it's like, okay, let's get a picture over here and he's got and he lugs it around her feet are dragging like nate robinson's dead feet and props are up here and as they're taking a picture she just like slumps over and you gotta up prop her back up like all the in-between moments are very very funny that's that's he's never gonna let himself go which is nice for her that he'll always keep his body in tip-top shape because he's got to carry her fucking ass around everywhere. Would you rather, you know, you marry some girl and she gets lazy and she becomes some fat pig,

or you got this doll who just stays like this forever? Well, no, I was thinking good for her. For him, yeah. Because he's always like, yeah, I'm in great shape because I've been carrying around a fucking 120-pound sack of potatoes everywhere. I was thinking good for her. Yeah, because he's always like, yeah, I'm in great shape because I've been carrying around a fucking 120-pound sack of potatoes everywhere I go, just dead weight. Yeah, maybe this is the key. He stays

hot, she stays hot. There's no fighting, there's no talk back. I mean, there's... I would fight with this doll a lot. Would you? Yeah. I would fight with that doll more than I've ever fought with a girlfriend ever. You would absolutely be an abusive husband.

Oh. You would beat the shit out of this person. Why the fuck not? You would wallop this poor girl. I would. How about this? Is that abuse? Is that a spousal abuse?

No. It's not abuse. If you get caught beating your wife, you're legally married, and you are whooping. Good luck catching me. I'm doing that shit behind closed doors with a fucking sack of oranges. But let's say if you did, I'm putting a bar of soap in a tube sock, and I am whipping

this girl. But if he gets caught... I would fight with her every single day. I would fight with this woman, this wife of mine, every single day. Run me through like what do you think your first fight would be my first fight would be i have to fucking carry your ass to bed what are you talking like wake up you lazy bitch the house is dirty i can clean this place up get off the fucking couch god damn it and and that's something i never do i don't argue with people I don't wake people up Asleep on the couch

Because I hate when people Wake me up asleep on the couch To be like come to bed Come to bed I'm good You're in bed Talk to you later Yeah

But like I've been lugging her up the stairs Every goddamn night of my life I would just be like Maybe not most of the time It wouldn't be like Directed at her But every time I've ever

Carried something remotely Heavy up the stairs I'm swearing I mean think about How many times this guy It's like every day You're moving house Right At her. But every time I've ever carried something remotely heavy up the stairs, I'm swearing. I mean, think about how many times this guy. It's like every day you're moving house. Right. This guy goes grocery shopping with his wife.

He's got to carry all the bags. Oh, God, dude. And her. Son of a bitch! I would just be screaming. Maybe you would end up fighting with this girl more than the human. Absolutely. Yeah. Because I have to take care of every single thing for this person.

It's a true burden. Do you think this guy, like, brings her to the bathroom and gives her a shower, sits her on the toilet, pretends she's going to the bathroom? Do you think that he changes her clothes every day? Do you think that he will talk to her? Do you think when he's fucking her that he'll wait six months into the relationship he does anal? And he's like, we had to wait he's like saves the kinky things you think when he like almost comes fast he pulls out and he's just like hang on a second

right yes yes or when he does come fast he's like I'm sorry sorry that never happens yeah let me just eat it real quick I want to taste I need to taste you if you do that to your own doll we just got a little tumor. I didn't know what to say there.

I was like, I know what you're talking about, and I know what I'm talking about. I don't know if they know what we're talking about, but... That's his move. That's my line. You got a real good look into how these guys operate. If you ever wonder what it

looks like and sounds like, it's that. It's that. It's that. If you ever hear that line from me, or you ever see John doing that, you know, you know, girls, you know. I definitely use the taste you do.

Because it makes it feel like, you know, it's a good thing about you. Yeah. Yep. Mm. Yep. Yep. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You think this guy, like, pretends that she comes?

Yes. That I can say unequivocally, yes, for sure. I don't know about all the other stuff. This guy 100% is like, God, I can feel you dripping down my balls right now. That's another line. That's another one. That's another one. I know that one. The show's over!

John's exited the studio, folks. Yep, dripping down the balls. I know that one. I definitely know that one. Dude, I've got to step further and set my ass. Or I, I don't know. We can keep going. Oh, man.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of, we'll save it for next show. Yeah. We're going to spread these out a little bit. People are probably taking a break right now. I mean, I might recommend a break.

I might say, you know what? Let's pause. Let's pause. Let's pause. Let's pause. We got to regroup for the fucking Hungarian guy. We need a moment. We need a moment. Let's go right into it.

No, we'll do it. You know, we do need... We got to moment no we'll do it you know we do need we got a pause i'll do an ad read that we can keep it moving we can do an ad read here um today's fiasco is brought to you by roman i mean so this guy this guy definitely uses roman swipes to last longer for his sex and i recommend you should, too. He just fucking eats her doggy for a second. Eats her doggy. Yeah, see, that's another thing. When I'm doing that, I'll be like, To the ad read!

So whether you're fucking a human or fucking a doll maybe you should even just use this if you're using your hand you just want it to last longer you just want your experiences whether they be alone or with humans or with rubber things or by yourself if you want it to last longer use use the Roman swipes. Non-prescription. Five bucks when you go to getroman.com slash KFC. So it's cheap. It's not, you know, medical. It's not a medicine.

You get prescribed by a doctor. This is just good old science helping you fuck a little bit longer. You open it up. It's like the size of like a towelette wrapper, a condom wrapper. Actually, smaller than a condom wrapper. And you wipe this little towelette on your dick.

It numbs you up. You can still feel things and enjoy it, but it helps you last longer, and everyone's happy. It doesn't transfer to your partner at all. They don't get numb. Nothing happens to them. It's just you and your dick get that numb sensation. It's like, you know, gives you that, like, 2.75 whiskeys in.

You know? Like you can still feel it and enjoy it. You're not worried about like it's going to go soft or I'm going to have to thumb it in or any of that shit. But you're also not going to be doing the like, hang on, let me taste you. You can just keep pounding away. You can just keep doing the pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. If you're not using a Roman, how many do you think you get in when you let it rip? When you've decided, okay, this is long enough, I'm going to come.

How many claps do you think you get? I have a wide window. It could be two. It could be 200. Yeah. It depends. You know what is crazy as a gentleman in his mid-30s now? Late 30s soon?

No, mid-30s., late 30s soon. No, mid-30s. I think 37 is late. Yeah, 34 to 6 is mid, 79 is late. For so much for my entire life, it's all about not coming fast. And then when you get a little older and the time you're in that 200 window, you're trying to come. It's a weird thing when you're like, I got to come. I got to.

Because then you know you got a glass ceiling. You have to break through where it's just like, I'm just exhausted. Yes, I'm tired. I'm just starting to just call it. My dick's waving the white flag, but I'm not. I'm hot. I'm cramping up. I'm getting. I'm cramping up. I'm getting a charley horse. So the cruel irony that when your body, the rest of your body, your muscles and your lungs

break down to the point that you can't last longer is when your dick can last long. And when your dick can't last long. This is some youth is wasted on the young. Yes. Yes. If you could take a 36 year old dick and mix it with a 16 year old body. I'm King Kong. King Kong ain't got shit on me.

That's what Roman does. Yes, Roman turns you into the fucking King Kong of sex. So go to GetRoman.com slash KFC. Get your swipes for just $5 when you choose a monthly plan, and you can be fucking 50% longer for only five bucks that month. All right, so we head over to Hungary. Hungary is correct. Now, let me find, here it is, okay.

Anti-gay politician resigns after being caught at a 25-man Hungarian orgy. Love it. A member of the European Parliament representing Hungarian blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right, he resigned as an MEP on Sunday after he admitted to breaching Belgium's strict lockdown rules to attend a sex party. I love that move.

I apologize for breaking COVID protocol. Yeah. I don't apologize for fucking 24 dudes in the ass. Well, you know, one is illegal. One's breaking rules. I guess one's technically not. No, it's illegal. In Hungary it is? I believe so. Okay. All right. I guess one's technically not. No, it's illegal. In Hungary it is?

I believe so. Okay, all right. I don't know about illegal. But, you know, like over here where you're allowed to do these things, maybe it's viewed as, you know, rather, you know, distasteful or, you know, whatever to be involved in an orgy. But if you were like, I'm apologizing for violating the social distance rules, but I'm not apologizing for fucking 25 guys. Well, how about this?

A local police officer told the newspaper we interrupted a gangbang, which brings forth a great question. Does this police officer not know what a gangbang is? Why? Or was this a gangbang? I think a gangbang is all on one person. Yeah, I agree. One girl, 25 guys. You're all fucking each other.

That's an orgy. Well, maybe he was one guy getting fucked by 25 guys. What are 24 guys doing? Just waiting. I don't think a guy can be in a gangbang. Well, no, because think about it. All right, a girl in a gangbang, there's still a lot of guys waiting. She can offer three times the holes, but it's still not.

Well, I don't know the math on it, but just one extra hole. Well, you can do, well, actually, no. A girl can do, a guy getting gangbanged, in my mind, can do, yeah, wait a minute. Yeah, a guy can get gangbanged. Just one extra hole. A guy can do four people at once. A guy can get fucked in his mouth and his ass and he can be jerking off. A girl just has a pussy as well.

I think the pussy makes a huge difference in the gangbang world. It does make a huge difference, but it doesn't mean you can't be gangbanged as a guy. No doubt. How about this? Can I tell you something to add to the list of places and things you can do? Do you know what The Rocket did in like eighth grade no the rocket fucked his girl's pussy i don't mean he fucked in her pussy i mean he fucked her pussy he like she like put her legs together kind of and he just fucked like her thighs like i've seen like

the lips of her pussy in eighth grade no i've seen it it it. It's like Manuel does it. Yeah, right. I've seen that too. Probably that exact one. I told him, I was like, that's pretty kinky to the point that as a 36-year-old man, if a girl offered to do that tonight for me, I'd be like, oh, damn. Let's go. As a 15-year-old?

It's like, you know, I don't want to. Is that because she wanted to keep her virginity? She was actually the older girl, but I think they both were virgins maybe. When did you get your first blowjob and then when did you have sex? I honestly don't know the answer. Because I did it all at once. I was a late bloomer, but then I went in like warp speed.

The Rocket was getting his dick sucked for four years. Oh, yeah. No, that's. I don't even know if I. I think I might have had sex before. Sex before you got yeah i i didn't but it was like photo finish it was one girl older girlfriend who just took me for a ride i i had i had like kissed and done some like heavy petting i never had any penetration i never had any orgasm none of that and then i went i was around in the vases i said it was an inside the park home run.

I slid home and I put my head down like, I remember the first time I had sex, the first time I had sex and I was kind of a pussy about it where I wasn't like, I'm saving myself. I was like, I'm going to get you pregnant.

I'm going to get you pregnant. I'm going to get you pregnant. So I was like a little nervous about it and this girl was like a little, you know, she was experienced, let's say. The first time I had sex, she was like a little nervous about it. And this girl was like a little, you know, she was experienced, let's say. The first time I had sex, she was like, do you want to put it on my ass? And I was like, Jesus Christ.

I'm trying to like ease into this here. I'm trying to make it special. Yes, I do. But maybe not the first fucking time. So I was like, you know, I did it all in one shot. If I went from, I think he went from seventh grade to freshman uh just sophomore year just just straight just blows keys everywhere i mean that's a lot of head it's arguably too much you know i mean at that point too you got to figure you're getting

pretty creative and aggressive it's not just like you know good old-fashioned like you know you're laying on the bed or whatever. Like, they're probably doing some kinky blowjobs. At that point, it's like, you might as well

just have sex. I don't think that they got kinky. You don't think at some point, you're like, let's try it from this angle. In seventh grade?

Well, this is a girl who's eventually letting him fuck her pussy lips. Oh, it was all from the same girl? Yeah.

Like four years of blowjobs? Yeah, that's what I mean. That's a little different. Okay. Well, actually, I might have made that part up. I four years of blowjobs? Yeah, that's what I mean. That's a little different. Okay. Well, actually, I might have made that part up. I might have made that part up.

But yeah, either way, it's a lot of blowjobs. So anywho. We are going on tangents today. Anyway. Anyway, guys can get gangbanged. Final answer, guys can get banged. No doubt. I think a humongously important. I'm pulling up a guy gangbanger.

But that's fine. You can label it that. I think an important part of the gangbang is the double penetration, and that is absent in... Well, you know, you can get double penetration, you know, technically. I mean, yes. When you say double penetration,

it's an asshole and a pussy. But, you know, technically double just means two. You can get the mouth and the ass. Oh, I've turned on porns like that, labeled double penetration, where that's what's supposed too close. Infuriating. It is. Infuriating. I'll blue balls myself on a fucking protest. I'm not coming to this. I'm done.

I shut my laptop off. I agree. That is, see, so you agree that it's a hugely important part. Yes. Of course. But I'm just saying the gang bang, you know, because you can also have a blow bang or just a mouth, and that's just one hole, you know? Yeah, but that's – it's a blow bang.

Well, yeah. No, actually – Okay, fine. It actually should be called – They can get bro banged. It actually – It's a lot better of a moniker for many reasons. All right?

Many reasons. Guys can't get gang banged. They can get bro banged. When you think about – blow bang shouldn't be, it shouldn't be called a blow bang. It should be called a gang blow. Yeah, you're right. Because you're missing the gang element. Yeah.

The bang blow. One person can get blow banged. It's just a bang in your mouth. But it's, I need a blow bang, a gang blow. A gang blow. Let's check out this gay bang gang. I feel like that's like Kramer. Let's roll this big ball of oil out the window. So let's check out this gay bang I feel like that's like let's roll this big ball of oil out the window

so let's check out this male gang bang I will be honest I just googled porn hub search male gang bang I'm only seeing like 2-3 guys at a time oh no there's a bunch there hidden cam gang bang

Russian marines and truckers we are clicking. And, fellas, it's 97 minutes and 11 seconds long. Yeah, it's five minutes of fighting and then 92 minutes of knife fights. Oh, it's in black and white. These guys are such Russian Marine truckers. Oh, this is just not appealing in any way. Oh, that guy's not even hard.

Look at this guy just cuddling up on the couch. This is not a gangbang. This is one guy getting his dick sucked with three people napping. I mean, heavens to Betsy, this is not helping my argument. Not at all. Just Russian truckers and fucking Marines. This is just a bunch of truckers who are pretty sleepy trying to fuck each other. I just learned that Russian Marines and truckers are fucking pussy.

Very low energy gangbang. How about the banquet? A bareback gangbang. This looks more like, so that was, oh, Jesus Christ. That looked, that said um orgy this is so much right now this is so much happening yo if you're gonna be doing gay gang bangs you can't be hairy like that you talk about it's a bear i feel like a bear is not oh god if he puts that in there... Oh, that was a joke. That was funny.

They're sitting at a table with fruit, and they threw him, like, a giant grapefruit, and he caught it. I was like, he's going to put it in his ass, and he pretended to do it. I was like, I got you. He's like, you did get me. You got me good.

That's what I look for most in my gangbangers. Good humor. Oh, these guys. Oh, my God! Did you see that? Did you see that did you see that john no i didn't hang on i i i gotta find that can you get a still shot of kevin just looking at this like it's the zap router just like kevin's looking at it like your grandmother looks at the computer when she's getting her face closer my nose is against the screen. I lost it because I like it.

Kevin's trying to fucking smell this gangbang right now. It's a scratch and sniff. This guy, I gotta find him. He's waiting for this right now. Fuck. This guy spit on this dude's, he spit on this guy's face it was like a fucking hose went off

I mean this is some sensual shit this is crazy alright yeah okay I think it's coming cause it was when he yeah okay watch this he spits in his face whatever no big deal watch this black guy spit on him watch this oh my god!

That wasn't spit. That was like water or something. That was fucking Triple H getting in the ring. Time to play the game! Right all over that guy's face. But this dude right here is undoubtedly getting gangbanged.

There are four or five men spitting on him and probing him and shit. He's getting gangbanged on. He's getting bro gangbanged. There are four or five men spitting on him and probing him and shit. He's getting gangbanged on. He's getting bro-banged. He's getting bro-banged. That's fine. I will give that. My heavens.

There is a lot going on there. Hang on. Let's get back on track. Let's get back to the story. We're not off track. We're talking about the whole time. You interrupted. I was kidding. Do it again. Let's get back to the story. We're not off track. We're talking about the whole thing. You interrupted.

I was kidding. Do it again. Do it again. No, no. That's it. That's it. Anyway, this guy also, a passerby reported to the police that he had seen a man fleeing along the gutter, which seems like just unnecessarily insulting. The gutter.

He's running on the sidewalk. So this guy coming out of the gutter. He was able to identify the man. The man's hands were bloody. It was possible that he had been injured while fleeing. Narcotics were found in his backpack. I thought he was bloody from fucking. The man was unable to produce any identity documents.

He was escorted to his place of residence where he identified himself as so-and-so with a diplomatic passport. He apologized for the incident. After the police asked for my identity, since I did not have one, I declared that I was MEP. The police continued the process and finally issued an official verbal warning and transported me home. I deeply regret violating COVID restrictions. It was irresponsible on my part. I am ready to stand for the fine that occurs. He announced his resignation as an MEP on Sunday and asked people to treat him with the matter

as strictly personal. I ask everyone not to extend it to my homeland or to my political community. Love that. Yeah. Please just don't talk about this, guys. Hey, let's just get this between us, right? Just me and those 24 dudes.

That's only our business. It's a private moment. I like how he also said he didn't use the drugs. He had drugs on him, but just didn't use them? Just say you used the drugs. Who among us hasn't done a bunch of, I don't think they specify. What you're fucking amphetamines. What drug it is.

Yeah. And found themselves in the gutter with 24 other guys doing a bro bang. Like, if you just said, are y'all really fucked up on drugs? That's probably better for his career. Like drugs? Yeah. I don't know what Hungarian laws are. Maybe it's worse to be drugs than gay. I cannot imagine

there's anything worse than being gay in Hungary. It did have a paragraph where... Some of those eastern places I feel like it's better to be a murderer than be gay. So the Orban, who's the guy he works for, Orban's Hungarian government has curtailed LGBTQI rights since he was elected prime minister in 2010.

Yeah. Sajer who fronted Fidesz in the European parliament, helped rewrite Hungary's constitution to protect the institution of women's marriage as a union of a man and woman. So like... It's bad. I don't know if it's criminal but it's man and woman. It's bad. I don't know if it's criminal, but it's just not allowed.

It's not great. It's not great over there to be gay. I would think that maybe drugs are worse. I don't know about that. I think there's a lot of straight, powerful men who like to do drugs, but they will not tolerate dude fucking. Oh, speaking of dude fucking, I started a show last night that's very good. I saw someone recommended it on Twitter as, like, if you love The Undoing,

or if you like The Undoing, you should watch A Very British Scandal, I believe it's called. That's what it's called? A Very British Scandal? Yeah. It's a mini-series on Amazon Prime, three episodes long. I did two last night. And it's Hugh Grant again. It's a it's a mini series on amazon prime uh three episodes long i did two last night and it's hugh grant again and it's a true story hugh grant was a member of parliament in 1965 i forget his name and um kind of yeah he he was gay i think he described himself as 80 gay 20 straight um and he like you're gay he started fucking a stable boy

who legitimately told him like in their first meeting like i'm mentally insane and to get my pills i need i need you to be my employer and so this guy like he put up in a house or in an apartment and just like fucked him all the time. And then when they broke up, the guy came out with it. And that's as far as I've gotten, but it's man,

you try to do something nice. You try to help a crazy twink. And next thing you know, never be nice to anybody, you know, never stick your neck or your dick on the line for anybody. Fuck. Um,

uh, by the Um, uh, by the way, uh, I, I saw a tweet that Ryan Felipe show is by the creator of the undoing. Big sky. I don't know if that's true or not. I also saw,

uh, I can see that doing the, uh, um, Instagram that there's like more pictures of him dressed up as a cop and stuff. So, um,

I don't know if, you know, he's still alive or flashbacks. I hope he is. I hope Brian's not dead. Um, speaking also of Amazon prime, him dressed up as a cop and stuff so um i don't know you know he's still alive or flashbacks i hope yes i hope brian's not dead um speaking also of amazon prime i don't believe i have ranted about utopia yet on here utopia got canceled i just had gotten into it utopia is on amazon prime it's awesome it's so awesome it's such an awesome science fiction show. It's got John Cusack and Dwight from The Office and a bunch of other crazy people.

It's like a sci-fi pandemic thing. It's like there's this comic book that came out that if you are like the real nerds of the world who really dissected it, all of a sudden they looked up and they were like, wait a minute. This is SARS and this is Zika and this is Ebola. And they put together that the comic book actually predicted all of like the global outbreaks. And then all of a sudden this guy's cleaning out his grandfather's house and he finds all these new comics and it's part two. It's not called Utopia, it's called Dystopia. Or no, it was called Dy's part two. It's not called Utopia.

It's called Dystopia. Or no, it was called Dystopia. The new one's called Utopia. And so all of a sudden, these government agencies and these bad guys are all swarming to get their hands on Utopia. Because it has the next pandemics that are going to come out. And it's crazy that it came out. And then all this shit happened. And it got canceled. After one season. So that it came out and then all this shit happened. And it got canceled after one season.

So it was a British show. Amazon bought the rights, airs it for one season, doesn't even give it enough time. Like, I had just found it. Like, didn't even give it enough time for the cult following. I don't even know how much, like, ratings truly matter for a show like that when you're already buying it off the scrap pile. You know what I mean? Right. And then you cancel it.

That cannot be canceled because of ratings. That's got to be canceled because of content. You think so? I do. It's so... I mean, it's intense. It's like there's murder and dark shit going on. And it's all focused around...

You're killing kids. You're killing families. You're like you have and it's all about you know an outbreak of a disease and the spread of a pandemic and i feel like they were just kind of like we don't want to be like pumping this show and a part of this while this is all going on yeah i can see that which sucks because it's awesome but also like you know what i don't know if i can see that because like well why else would you cancel it then i i don't think amazon i don't i don't think entertainment companies care about that because i'm sure they saw as soon as like i think netflix bought outbreak like once this

outbreak started but i think one either outbreak or contagion wasn't on it yeah and i think that they like put it on they bought it because i think people were like, look, if people are going to watch it, people are entertained by it. I mean, you know, how many other of those shows really get canceled right away like that? I think the whole point is that you're almost sometimes giving a home to something that couldn't thrive elsewhere. You know what I mean? Do you think it matters that the British show was only one season two? Was it only one? Yeah.

Did it wrap up, though, I just Googled it. Did it wrap up, though? I have no idea. The only reason I knew there was a British one, because someone commented on Rainn Wilson's Instagram being like, it's good, but it's not nearly as good as the British version, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, do you mean like The Office? Right.

And he's like, yeah, I've heard all of this before in my life. It's so good i was like on season i was on episode like let's say three or four when i found out it got canceled and i just finished it anyway i knew i was watching a lost cause but it was so entertaining that i was like fucking i'm doing it anyway it it's i'm devastated devastated i was like added to the list of awake flash forward black donnelly's everything that was a one season run that could have been so much fucking better anyway that that hungarian gangbang uh i love i love was he was he like an anti-gay guy or no yes he broke the law okay i love nothing more than the anti-gay people getting caught with their hand in the cookie jar or the racist people who find out that they're black or something like that but this is the creme de la

creme this is the tip of the top it wasn't just like oh i you know had a secret boyfriend it's i like to get fucked by 24 other dudes that is i mean how how how could you do that how could you spend your time writing anti-gay laws and love to suck dick and fuck it? I don't understand people who can say something that they genuinely don't believe in. And campaign and write laws and all that. It's one thing to exaggerate for entertainment or even political purposes. What was that? I was watching Designated Survivor the other day.

Of course. Of course. At any given that? I was watching Designated Survivor the other day. Of course, of course. At any given moment, John is watching Designated Survivor. And there's a scene. Oh, wait, no, I'm sorry. This was House of Cards. I've been on a political kick since before the election. And it was when Claire is trying to become ambassador to the UN and Senator Mendoza goes on like grandstanding

because he asked the question and it like didn't really apply. And he's like, well, what about us troops? And she's like, that's like, they're irrelevant because like we're talking about, we would be saying if I like,

like she was like, would you send us troops into blah, blah, blah. And she's like that they're irrelevant because I wouldn't even have control of that. I would send NATO troops. And he was like,

are you telling me the u.s the u.s military is irrelevant you're telling me all the dead soldiers and it goes on like this grandstanding rant yeah and i was like this must be such a fucking like like i don't even understand how you do that because you you genuinely don't believe what you're saying you don't think that's what she was saying because right she was very clear but i guess that's you know like that's politics right you are always and and maybe even in this case it's maybe like this guy obviously loves fucking blowing dick but he's like i'm in hungaria everybody's anti-gay like if i want to achieve all my other shit i gotta write this bill to like keep my political career

just going in general yeah but to write a to write a bill or something, maybe the one thing to vote for it or not overturn it, but to be the face of it. But I guess that's the thing. I just genuinely don't believe this, but I'm going to make it my political mission. It's the ultimate, they'll never suspect me. Right. But it's like, we always do. You're the number one suspect. Anyone who's staunchly anti-gay, I definitely suspect

he was being gay. The burden to prove is now on you. I gotta see you fuck a pussy. I need a video to leak of you fucking a girl. Otherwise, you gay. Get married to a chick right now. I think this doesn't happen enough with white supremacists. They find out

the head of the white supremacy I guess the KKK or I don't even – I was trying to think of – what is it? The Bugaloo Boys or whatever they are. Just like the head of them, one of them comes up and is just like, I am – like we just find out they're – Yeah, like 23andMe and they find out they're not – Not even like 23andMe, like their history. Like they're at synagogue every third. Right.

Right. Right. Shabbos. Just like that would be objectively hilarious. Right. Well, there was that one guy recently, right? It was like the Chappelle show came to life where there was some dude who, I mean, he was real life Clayton Bigsby, right?

Yeah. But I think that was supremely exact. We only heard about that for like one or two days. That would be like a national story. I thought, though, like a black guy who is anti-black and he just doesn't know he's black because he's blind. That doesn't happen. Like someone at the rally would tell you. Real life Clayton Bixby goes viral defending Confederate flag monuments.

Oh, yeah, that's right. This video is fake. I mean, I don't think it ever was, but I was not sold when I watched it. From about two dozen members and supporters of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. Regardless how the next person feels, I'm not going to take my flag down. If I got a thing to do with it, ain't no monument going to come down. Daniel says he was adopted as a child. My whole family's white.

Went to an all-white school, grew up in an all-white neighborhood. My grandfather was white, and he was the main one that fought in this war here. And he's taught me everything I know. He explains how he'd feel if the statues and flag were relocated. So this guy wasn't blind or anything. He just fucking didn't believe it. There was something about that video. But yeah, God, I mean, it would be...

Did you see there was another Rachel Dolezal type story? It sucks. I couldn't even... It sucks because I couldn't... I mean, I had a field day with Rachel Dolezal back in 2012 or whatever that was. I just can't do it anymore or whatever that was. I mean,

I just can't do it anymore, but it was another girl who like the, the, the walls started closing in on her. She was, so Rachel Dolezal was like, she won these like NAACP awards and, and like wrote books and all this as a black woman.

And it just turns out she was white, but this, it happened again with this woman. And like, she skipped her mother's funeral because she had come to prominence in recent years. And if she went to the funeral and everybody saw her there, they'd be like, your family's white. So she couldn't go to the funeral, and she stopped being able to go to these events because as she got bigger, more and more got exposed. But just fucking made a whole life and a whole career or whatever off

of being black when you're just a white person it really is always we are really just taking advantage of minorities we're just like whether straight people pretend to be gay like you don't really get the other one where it's right right that's black guys pretend to be white doesn't happen that doesn't really work that way um All right. Next up, we got to talk about my new favorite, my guy. Oh, you know what? This segment here, we got to talk a little marriage and divorce. All right. So if you're married, you're going to try to cook at home and cook meals for your husband or wife and have that nice family dinner.

If you're divorced, you're living alone and you want to save money and still eat right, you want to cook for yourself, no matter what your life situation is right now, HelloFresh is the answer. You could be single, you could be dating, you could be married, you could be guy, girl, old, young, working, student, whatever. You always want to cook your own food, save money, eat well, and not have to pay tons of money on delivery fees and up charges on the food apps. You don't want to have to order like, you know, gross fast food. You want to cook some

fresh food for yourself. You feel like you accomplished something. You save some money and you learn along the way. You learn how to cook. You learn some recipes and HelloFresh can help you with all of this. It's convenient, no contact delivery, right to your doorstep. That makes easy home cooking possible for you and the whole family with tasty meals and prepackaged and pre-measured ingredients all in a box that you can get several meals each week. John lives off this. This is John's go-to jam.

And I've converted everyone I cook for, I convert them. Yeah. This is fucking delicious. And by now, I bet you know how to cook this shit, right? You could do it. At this point, I don't think you even need the recipe cards or the pre-measured things. You could probably do it all yourself. Ooh, I don't know about that. I bet you

if I just gave you all the ingredients, you'd be able to do it from memory. I think I need the HelloFresh ingredients. You think so? I think that they're I mean they send you like everything measured out like I honestly don't even think I have the things

to measure things but like so like they just send me it's like okay put in the vinegar we gave you right this is automatically a half a teaspoon

or whatever yeah you really don't need anything but like salt and pepper they give you basically everything else I would like well now I have a knife set

and all that shit but like when I first started cooking this. I would like, well, now I have a knife set and all that shit. But like when I first started cooking this stuff, I had like a steak knife. Right. You could cook everything. Chop it up. You just need salt and pepper. Everything else they give you.

I bet you're eating with a steak knife too. Stabbing it like a fork. It has 20 minute meals, low calorie meals, vegetarian, family friendly recipes. So something for everyone. It has 20 chef crafted meals each week on the menu,

so you can pick. It's not just the same thing repeating itself over and over and over again. You can get out of that food rut that you've been in and enjoy some very, what's the word? There's meals from all over the world, right? It's all sorts of different ethnic foods, all sorts of different cultural foods. Spice up your life with HelloFresh

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on this week's box. So pick your meals, use hello, fresh.com slash KFC 90. Get your food, save some money. My new King is Kelly Clarkson's ex-husband. Oh my God.

I want to, I want to, I want to walk over him to be at Mario, that Mario meme. I want to hand him the crown. You dropped this. Kelly Clarkson's ex-husband is asking for $436,000 in their divorce settlement. Per month!

Per month! I love it. Flip the fucking script. Turn the tables. You bitches want equality? Here it is. $436,000 a month for Mr. Clarkson. That comes to $301,000 per month in spousal support,

and the rest is child support. So the bulk of it's going actually to him. Like a lot of people, I've explained this before, a lot of people don't understand that there's like child support and then there's alimony, spousal support versus child support. Like a lot of times it's the money goes to the kid and not the person. This here? Oh, no, no, no.

My man's walking away with 300k cash you know i think it's anti-man that this is even news i mean it was like i mean it's he's asking for a quarter of what dre's wife was right dre's wife was asking for two million a month right yeah two million dollars a month and all of that was for her too that was right that was just straight it was no i forget exactly what it was there was no i don't think it was all for her. I forget. I think a lot of it was for her, though. It was like 900 grand a month for travel and entertainment. So Kelly Clarkson's kid, she won primary physical custody, and he's doing the weekends and holidays sort of thing

and FaceTimes with them daily. So $301,000 for him. That means, what, $135,000 for the kids. And, you know, this is how it goes. It is how it goes. You're going to get that daytime TV money? So am I. See, I think I'm going to stand by, I'm going to support

equality in that also saying he is asking for too much money. Because you know he's rich. Is he wealthy on his own? Yeah. This is just a motherfuck you. Well, how rich is he?

I mean, he's an author worth $10 million. He's a talent manager too for Blake Sheldon. Oh, really? Yeah. I think he at least wrote a book, so I don't know. But a Google search resulted in he has a $10 million net worth, which means if you're asking for spousal support when you are worth $10 million,

I think you're just doing it to be a motherfucker. Kelly's worth how much? $46 million. $45 million. I mean, straight math, homie. Straight math. You're worth $45 million. I'm worth $10 million.

You got to even that out. I mean, even like how about this? So we're going to stay on the Dre thing. Dre's worth a billion. Yep. And she's asking for $2 million a month. Dre's worth a billion. Yep. And she's asking for two million a month. Two million a month, yeah. Yeah.

Therefore. Your point, sir? I'm trying to make the math work. Uh-huh. That. Like, what would it be, like, equivalent? Right. So he's asking for a quarter of that.

This motherfucker's five foot eight. Everyone's a midget. He's asking for a quarter. He's asking for a quarter of that when her net worth is. A fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a billion. Dude, someone was telling me the other day, like, breaking down the difference between a million and a billion and how we just don't understand it. I don't think someone was telling me. I saw a video.

I mean, it's a thousand millions, right? It's – Right? No, it's – yeah. A million seconds is a week and a half. A billion seconds is something like 32 years. Yeah. It is wildly different.

We think like, oh, millionaires are just about to be billionaires. Yeah, no. It is such a humongous fucking difference. Such a difference. But I mean, yeah, listen, anybody asking for this type of money is an asshole asking for too much money. But, you know, it's like this is how the system fucking goes. And it's like usually often women are the ones taking advantage of it. I respect the hustle.

It's actually a severe lack of hustle. Yeah. Please give it to me. Yeah. I respect the fake hustle. Yeah. That is, I mean, I'm a king of fake hustle. I love a fake hustle.

Taking advantage of the system. Crossing the street and doing the fake job that's actually slower than a brisk walk. But I'm moving my arms and making it look like I'm really trying here. That's what he's doing too. I am a fake hustle defender and I will die for its honor.

$436,000 a month tax free by the way. These payments usually are for nada. For nothing. For fucking Kelly Clarkson. $436,000 a month tax-free, by the way. These payments usually are. But nada. But nothing. For fucking Kelly Clarkson. Yeah. Which, I mean, it's a little steep.

But I can't imagine being married to Kelly Clarkson was all that great. Because Kelly Clarkson, like, it was. I can't imagine getting married to a guy who was all that great. That is... It was... I mean, she had, like, two hit songs. Yeah. And has somehow... She parlayed that into the daytime.

She has, like, her talk show now. Yeah. And I just think that she probably acted like Mariah Carey when Bitch, your fucking... Very close. Felicia? Yeah. Who was another American Idol winner? Fantasia. Fantasia. Yeah. another American Idol winner? Fantasia.

Fantasia. Yes, exactly. Your Fantasia. You had Since You've Been Gone and Behind These Hazel Eyes, right? Yeah, and look, I like those songs. Those are hits.

Those are hits. Big hits. But is Kelly Clarkson a musical star? Come on. No, and I guarantee you she's walking around that house fucking farting on people

like Britney Spears. She was just like, she was like reading fucking tabloids. She probably became like Ellen when she was in the daytime world. Yeah. Like, I'm the queen of this shit.

She just read tabloids because she so wanted to be a star. She read the tabloids and just did what she thought stars did. And it was like, God damn it, Kelly. You are not that. You don't get to be Mariah.

You don't get to be fucking Whitney Houston because you just had, since you've been gone. Honestly, I don't care for it anymore because I do have, like, 90s playlists I follow or early 2000s, whatever it is. And that comes on sometimes. I will always skip it. It has not aged well with me. But when it was out, that was a heater for sure.

Can I just quickly give a take regarding music? Yeah. I quite enjoy people's Spotify rap. Oh, let's talk about that. Because if you don't like looking at people. Okay. Everyone fucking post your Spotify. I like it.

Tweet me your Spotify. I like it. I'm fucking interested. I like it. We were talking to the One Minute Man. We have a One Minute Man text chain. So I was like, what about this? What about that?

Here's an idea. And Chuck was like, you should do a one minute man spotify wrap up and i was like yeah i was i agree because that's what everyone's doing and talking about but i was like i couldn't really think of an angle and he was like say you know don't fucking post it i don't give a yeah we know you listen to music i'm like no i quite enjoy it bro i quite i quite enjoy it i quite enjoy that i quite enjoy when anyone ever posts a song on Instagram. Yeah. Maybe I don't know it.

Or maybe it's a throwback. Oh, maybe I've never heard of it. I'll check out this song. Or maybe I haven't heard it in a long time. I forgot that one. Let me go listen. I always want to know what music you listen to. It's a little bit of the Darren Revelle stuff where I hate him now,

but I was always interested in his weird, quirky numbers. When I saw that Nick is top 0.5% of Taylor Swift. Me too! Yeah? Ellie is, Ellie, Queen is 2%. You guys blow her out of the water. I think that's very interesting. Rocket, because I think something's a little fugazi, by the way,

because everybody's 0.05% of whoever their favorite artist is. Yeah, that's true. And I was like, there's a little somethingazi, by the way, because everybody's 0.05% of whoever their favorite artist is. Yeah, that's true. And I was like, there's a little something going on here. Rocket was 0.01% of Machine Gun Kelly. He's arguably the biggest. We've been arguing on CCK about who's the bigger fan. I'm like, I concede. I wave my flag.

He might be the biggest fan on the planet. 0.01%? I mean, he's in the top 1,000. Top 100. Did you see my top five? My top five is a fucking gang. What do you got? One, Taylor Swift.

Two, OAR. Three, Machine Gun Kelly. Four, uh, uh, four was, fuck, who was it? Hang on. Fuck. Sorry. My, these are your artists, right? Yeah.

Obviously, my, so I had a quiz. Oh, four was Juice WRLD, five was Jason Isbell. Who's that? Country guy? Yeah. I mean, he's like an elephant. Oh, that fucking guy. I have a funny one, and I was tweeting about it with all the parents out there.

It's a weird existence on your Spotify when you're a parent because you have your kids' songs mixed in. Right. So my top five songs were my top five artists. It was, number one, Machine Gun Kelly. Number three was Halsey. Number four was Quinn 92. Number two, Bubble Guppies cast. And I'm surprised it wasn't number one, to be honest.

I pounded Machine Gun Kelly this year, but Bubble Guppies is all day, every day when I got my kids. But I had Bloody Valentine was my number one song of the year. I listened to Bloody Valentine for the first time on May 7th and by May 15th I listened to it a hundred times. I listened to it a hundred times that week. I never hit it.

That was actually my most played song of the year, but I never hit a hundred. You never hit a hundred? No. I hit 50, I think. Or 75 or something like that. You ain't shit. I was surprised to see that was my number one song because, honestly, on the album, it's an auto-skip for me now because I've heard it so many times. Yeah, I agree.

When the album came out, because it also came out so far in advance, by the time I had listened to it hundreds of times by the time the rest of the album came out. So I'm Bloody Valentine. J Boog, Let's Do It Again from like 2010 was my number two. Forget Me Too with Halsey. Do you know Sleep While I Drive by Quentin 92's album is great. Great album. Very good album.

Nobody talked about it. Very good. And then Kid Cudi. I love my top five. A couple, like two songs from 2010. A couple new songs, MGK and Halsey. I love Halsey. Love Halsey as a person and as music.

And then like an Under the Radar song. I love my top five. It's a strong top five. Love it. But yeah, I'm like post them all. Post them all. I love it. Back to the marriage segment subject. Scottie Pippen's

wife just won't stop fucking people. She just won't stop fucking famous people. And very openly in public. Larissa Pippen is a menace. She's a goddamn menace. And Scottie Pippen Jr. is bearing the brunt of it. The poor kid. He's a freshman at Vanderbilt. He's playing ball.

If you look at all of his likes on Twitter, it's all like, man, poor Scottie Pippen Jr. His mom won't stop fucking everybody. Yo, you know how mad you have to be about something? How much you have to hate it to just search your own name? Like, he's not getting added to any of those likes. And he's just like, like, like, like, like all of them. He just searched in the search bar, fuck my mom. And he just favorited everything.

He searched, I hate Lara Pippen. Yup. And he's like, yup, I'm with this squad. Dude, she, so Larissa Pippen fucked Future. Larissa Pippen, sorry. She fucked Future. Scotty divorced her. Then said, no, no, no, never mind.

I don't want to get divorced. He apologized to her and bought her a $4 million ring. What did she do? She went and fucked Future again. Future's putting her subliminally in his lyrics. He's taking shots at Scotty Pippen. He still was like, no, no, no. Let's stay married.

Then there was rumors she was fucking Ben Simmons, which she came out and said no but they were in the club together and they were seen leaving like five minutes apart which is like when you're trying not to be noticed but you get noticed um she was like no no i'm best friends with the kardashians i would never do that it's like i don't know about that and now she's fucking some scrub yeah malik beasley yeah yeah that's the point it's like well at least if your mom's gonna be a hoe your wife's gonna cheat you, at least let it be a fucking star. At least Future's a big deal.

Wait, so is she still married to Future? I don't think it's like officially divorced yet. Which I respect because as we just mentioned, Scott is like, you can fuck whoever you want, you little bitch. You're not getting half my money. Yeah, right. Well, they had a prenup. So they had a prenup, and when he first tried to divorce her, her he froze all their assets she was broke so she moved in with courtney and

and courtney was like paying for her to exist which is just like how about you just stop fucking people and keep the gravy train rolling you know um and but what i what i read was like that she's just trying to overturn the prenup and get as much as she can it's like yeah no kidding you're trying to do that that's what the prenup's there for. If you can just overturn the prenup, I think you have to murder somebody to overturn the prenup. There has to be reasons for it. When it's like, Your Honor, I move to tear up the prenup. It's like, why?

Because I want to fuck Future all the time, and I also want the money. Yeah, no kidding. That's why the prenup exists. But yeah, poor Scotty. Both of them, Scotty and Scotty Jr. I mean, Larsa just... Can you imagine

if this is how she behaves when she was married? What's she gonna do when she's fully single? Not even an ounce of guilt or not even any reason for her to hold back. I will say,

Larsa Pippen, what up? She is a sexy 46-year-old. If you wanna fucking head to a Hungarian gutter, I got a place that we can go. And I'm in. I'm all in with you. I'll be honest. I don't know if I could fuck Larsa Pippen.

I could. Like, I think I would be way too nervous. I mean, this is a bad bitch. She fucks Future. She fucks NBA Hoopers. And now she's going to fuck me. I don't think this is pure speculation. I don't think that. Up here, I would do me. I don't think this is pure speculation. I don't think that... Up here, I would do it.

I don't know if my dick would be like, I don't know if we can do this, man. I think in the moment, I don't know. I think I could do it. I need two whiskeys and a Roman, but I think I could get there. I like that. Two whiskeys and a Roman. That's like three beers and a Fanta.

Two whiskeys and a Roman has legs, John. That could be a segment or a video series or something. Like, send in your two whiskeys and a Roman story. Oh, I like that. Yeah, I mean, I would try my damnedest to make it happen. I would try to fuck Larsa Pippen. I just don't know if I could.

I mean, that's also a time when you've done the I just want to taste you. And you get down there, fucking start churning butter. When you, if you're ever eating a doggy like you said, so you're kind of bent over too. And you're just, your ass is up. Your dick's kind of tucked in. But you're just pulling, you're almost like pulling on udders you know what I mean

that's why please get big please get big so you're off the bench you can't feel the bed shake you know you turn into that meme of the guy

and you know what the worst is when you turn and you helicopter and you're like alright I think I'm good enough and then in just like

the two seconds it takes to stop and get there, you lose it just enough. You can't let your dick breathe. You can't. It's got to be airlocked. It's got to be airlocked. Because it's like. You either got to be choking it or suffocating it.

Yeah. And sometimes you got to choke it and, you know what I mean? Squeeze all the blood. It's almost like a toothpaste tube. You're squeezing it all to the top. And then you put it in. You let it go. And it just expands into the vagina. Having sex is so hard.

All right, voicemails, and then we'll get into... Oh, we got to do M.I. the Asshole, too, huh? Yeah. All right, we're going to get into our voicemails and our interview with Gabriel Iglesias first. It's a long podcast already, so we're not going to do too many, but we got to get, it's Thursday, so we got to get some Am I the Asshole in there. So Nick picked out a good one. Let her rip, Nicky.

What do we got? All right, so this was from a DM. We got, am I the asshole for refusing to be in my family's Zoom-themed Christmas card? Side note, we all live together, so we don't actually have any reason to do Zoom one outside of it being very tacky. So they're just like, it's the theme of the year, so let's do it? don't actually have any reason to do Zoom one outside of it being very tacky. So

they're just like, it's the theme of the year, so let's do it? Like the guy who dressed up as a Zoom call for Halloween. Right, right. I don't even so, yeah, you're the asshole, but you're also not. Everyone's the asshole here.

Just fucking do it. Be normal. If your mom, listen, Christmas cards in general are tacky and narcissistic and stupid and pointless. And so your mom has a stupid idea for an even sillier themed one. Yeah, it sucks. But what are you going to lose? Is this going to hurt your image? Are you going to lose clout because you're a part of your mom's dumb Zoom Christmas card? Just do it.

I agree. But also, I appreciate that there is something inherent about humanity and Christmas cards. That when we come out of the womb, we know, one, inhale and exhale. And two, the moment someone asks you to post their Christmas card, raise fucking hell. Like, I started like two years old. I was like, absolutely old I was like absolutely not are you to send to your friends

about what your baby no I'm not doing it I couldn't speak I couldn't understand what was happening like the second they put you on Santa's lap

it's like get me out of here I'm not being part of you gaining clout get out I'm not interested you're not gonna post me for your fucking likes mom

you're not gonna send me to your friends so that can hang me on the fucking fridge get me off the stranger's lap i think we have struck a nerve i think we have struck a nerve bro i threw such a my take was just take the picture no not over here i always take the picture, but you have to like, I make you fucking earn it. I'm like someone like someone who like you don't have a weapon and like you need to kill me to survive. And I'm going to fight back. Like I'm going to make you beat me to death with your bare hands and I'm going to go out fucking screaming. And like the ironic part of that is that's not how I'd go out on life. I'd go out probably with a whimper.

Right. But only in this case. In this case, I'm fighting back. In these fucking situations. Dude, my dad, a grown man, had to beat me into it once. He was fucking. I've told this story before, but we were taking a picture. We were at Baker's Beach in Westport, Mass.

Oh, yeah. And my dad was just whipping dead crabs at me being, just fucking smile. And I was like, whoa. I was taking those things in the chest, fucking frowning right back. I was like a happy Gilmore getting ready. He's like, go ahead, throw another one, bro. Throw another one. I'm still not going to fucking smile for you.

If I was your father, I would absolutely beat you. I would absolutely abuse you. I would beat you senseless. The belt, the comb, I'd put cigarettes out on you. I would beat you to death if you were my son. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Probably. He should have. He fucking missed the ball on that one. Now. Now. Now we got one. We don't really have much of a fight still. No.

He would still beat the shit out of you. But you get some licks in on him, but he would be the shit. Yeah. Yeah. But like, I just think it's a pretty interesting sociological study how we know to fucking – Well, I'll be honest. I was kind of with you on the surface. I don't know if everyone knows to do what you just said.

I think a lot of people are like, I don't want to wear this shirt, Mom, and I don't want to sit here. I don't know about Johnny fights to the death over here. If you want to be a coward about it, sure. You fucking pussies won't actually go out there and fight the wars. You need people like me. You want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.

You need fucking people like me so parents tell their fucking parent friends horror stories. You need me to go to Afghanistan and fucking civilize things for you. We need to take a break again. It's 350. You're 10 minutes early.

Holy shit. Did I catch you? Go to Afghanistan to civilize? Yeah. When your mom didn't ask you to wear that nice shirt, when your mom was like, whatever, you can put on whatever you're wearing, that's because of people like me. They heard whispers of

that kid up in fucking Massachusetts. That kid up in Rhode Island. That's from people like me making waves. You might not know it was me who was your hero, but I am. You're welcome. You're welcome, America. I don't even need your thanks. Just know it was me.

Oh my God. Yeah, I would definitely abuse you. I'm the reason your parents will sometimes go, you know what, we'll just take a small picture from this summer. That's because of me. Dude, my kids just did their Christmas, thankfully the Christmas picture thing. Their mom takes care

of it, get the pictures done. I've always, it's always we were dragging our kids out to fucking New Jersey to take pictures and they were little kids they were crying they would hate it it ruined the day

every year and we did it every goddamn day my guys my squad now though so I told you how I knew I liked Keegan and Shay we're covering the same cloth

I told you how I hope not I hope I don't have to beat Keegan I will I'll beat him if he's like you though you know how I told you we're doing that

that elf on the shelf thing and we're abusing the kids? Well, now the latest I got is this thing, too. This is fucking money. I'm going to use this on them all fucking day. Let's call this number here. Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas.

This is Santa Claus. In a horror film? Personal hotline. We have been very busy making all of those toys to deliver on Christmas morning. Bro, this could be jigsaw. Why? The start of that call? The ho-ho-ho?

It sounds more like a... That's what Santa says, John. That's not a ho ho ho. Oh, like a raw ho ho ho ho ho ho. Guess who it is? Your fucking nightmare, kids. Well, good. That's what I want it for.

I don't want it to be like, hey, kids, it's Santa. I want it to be like, hey, kids, it's Santa. Go the fuck to sleep. I got Elf on the shelf ready to kick your fucking ass. I got Santa on speed dial eat your fucking dinner you know what I love about this show is we

we you know rather regularly bring up how you know just the the difficult times that you have on the internet and

and what that does to you mentally and whatever and and in the last two episodes you're like I have these two new tools to psychologically torture my children absolutely

and it is awesome well because I'll tell you what Shay's Shay's turning five I've had kids for the last five years and I've been losing the war okay these two new tools to psychologically torture my children. Absolutely. And it is awesome. Well, because I'll tell you what. Shay's turning five. I've had kids for the last five years, and I've been losing the war. Okay? So I need some tools. I need some weapons.

I need somebody on my side. And I got this little fucking elf and this phone number, and I'm going to use it. That's so I don't have to use the belt. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Mwah, ha, ha. Mwah, ha. It's Santa Claus. That is like how he sounds voicemails voicemails are brought to you by

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I have a question for you guys. If you had to, you have two choices. You can either switch places with each other, so Kevin, you become John, John, you become Kevin, or at random you'll switch places with any of the females at Barstool. You don't know who it could be. It could be Casey, Lindsay, doesn't matter. You don't know who it could be. It could be KC, Lindsey, doesn't matter. You don't know who it is.

Would you rather take the chance of being one of the Barstool women or each other? Fights don't mean you have two kids. KFC, that means you're kid-free. Let me know what you think. All right, boys, bye. This is a tough one. I don't think it is.

Oh, for you. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, for you, it's real tough. For me. For me, it's not. Yeah, for you. Now, you could...

So, just to be clear, you're choosing to be me. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. The... Wait, is it a 24-hour thing or permanently or what? I think it was a random switches.

I think permanently. It can't be permanent. I want to be a girl for a day for the obvious reasons we've talked about many times before. I just want to fuck a bunch of things. So, you know, I wouldn't care who I became. I could become any of these girls and I would fuck myself. No, but there are other girls I definitely don't want to be. Like, I do not have any interest in becoming KC.

Like, it must be fucking just a mael interest in becoming Casey. It must be fucking a maelstrom in that head. Like an absolute torture chamber. I talked to Casey enough to know I don't want any fucking part of that brain. Now also, I mean, a lover to death would not want to be Kate right now. Do not want to become a pregnant woman.

I could be Rhea and just smoke weed with Hank. I was going to say, Rhea sounds great. Brianna is constantly hungover. I don't know if I want to be here. But any of the younger girls with no responsibilities who are just chilling? Sure. But permanently, I don't want to become a girl forever.

But for you, I think it's an easy one for you. I don't think so. I think you would be insane to choose me. Okay. Yeah. That's like, you pop into me. Like what, what is the upside?

I'm leaning. Well, I guess the upside is, is I'm, I still get to do my show and I, I'm just doing it with, I'm doing it in the opposite body. Ladies and gentlemen,

ladies and gentlemen, I asked John a very simple question. What's the upside? And his answer was, ladies and gentlemen, I asked John a very simple question. What's the upside? And his answer was, I get to keep doing work. I mean, if that is the only answer you can come up with, like there is not,

okay, you're being polite there. I understand you're trying to come up with something. There is not a single true actual upgrade of your life by becoming me. There's not one extra benefit by becoming me yeah you're probably right yeah but no i'm definitely right it's not like oh i can go like live in his house

it's a cool house like oh he drives a cool car like oh he like no no like there's nothing i do and you wouldn't want to like hang out with my kids like so you wouldn't care about that i wouldn't want to i i we've talked about this ad nauseum i feel like where like i just i'm exceptionally selfish and like there was like like on saturday afternoon whatever after like thanksgiving i was just hung over as shit yeah laying on my couch and i was like that was so much fun yeah and i can't imagine i was like taking care of the i was running around a park and now it's time to play with kids like i i did i i want to be selfish i want to remain being selfish. And so I am not the choice.

It would be very unselfish of me to choose you. And I think, I guess I'm choosing the girls in the office. Most of them would be pretty fun. I think it would be pretty fun to be them. It would be very much like that new Vince Vaughn movie, though, where it's like he much like that new Vince Vaughn movie though, where it's like, he's like, he switched, it's like a body swap movie, but it's, he swaps into like the cool cheerleader.

Okay. And he's like a murderer. Oh boy. So the cool cheerleader becomes a murderer and he's trying to, the cool cheerleader girl, the voice is trying to convince her friends that he's this murderer. Okay. And it's, it's, yeah, body swaps are hard to explain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it was like, it's just, that's what it would be with most of the girls here. Like, I'd be in this cute little 20-year-old girl, and inside it would be just a big ball of man rage. It's just furious. Like, think about the rants we go on. How insane would that be in a woman's body? For a girl? If I'm just screaming. I'm gonna fucking snap!

I'm going to Afghanistan to civilize, you motherfuckers! You know what taking Christmas pictures is like? War! Can you do like a deep fake with Rhea, with John's latest rant? Can we make that happen somehow? I'll give it a shot.

Or like a little, if Ellie was still here, little Ellie being like I'm gonna fucking beat my kids! There's a benefit of being a man. The double standard in that we can say whatever we want. It's kind of like, oh, that's funny. A girl says that shit, it's like, lock her up. It's deranged

from us. It is downright asylum-worthy if you're a woman. It is like rubber walls, straight jacket, defend her from herself, protect her from herself. But, yeah, I'll take John, and you should take the women every fucking time. Yeah, no, I'll take the ladies. I'll start running in the mornings, I suppose. Go ahead.

Hey, KFC. Hey, Fights. First time, long time. Love you guys. I have a question My best friend just started dating a new guy They're like early 30s And I was basically in the room with them one day

And they asked me to help them Help her coach her give head Apparently she's not comfortable doing it Or good at it So anyway, I was in the room with them and decided to help them out next day passes we all hang out and then we're on the way home and I asked her like I noticed them they were hanging out at night together I said hey did you guys have sex she was like no he fingered me and I blew him, but neither one of us came. I was like, oh, like, what do you mean?

She's like, yeah, he only comes if he jerks off. I said, okay. So, like, even during sex, she's like, yeah. So, I know that this guy hasn't really dated, like, anyone in a while. And I asked her, I'm like, do you think this guy's gay? She's like, no. But does this happen to dudes if they haven't been with a woman in a while and i asked him like do you think this guy's gay she's like no um but does this happen to dudes if they haven't been with a woman in a while like he'll be getting head or they'll be having sex and he'll just like pull her off him and jerk off to come i've never heard this um

curious on what you guys think anyways love you guys bye i love by the way just absolutely no reason for the beginning of the story. Yeah, just a what up. Just wanted to tell you that I teach girls how to suck cock. And I'm into it. I was listening to that story like, let's go. But there's absolutely no reason. Great storytelling.

Huge hook. Right. Right away, I was like. And, I mean, as a matter of fact, like, I thought there was going to be a follow up. Like, did she not do what I told her to do? Or do I give bad tips or something? Because if she gave you all the tips and then the guy didn't come. No, there was no need to promote.

Zero. I blow dick and I talk about it. What up, girl? I mean, look, there are some times where I'll be like kind of fiddling on my phone during a voicemail. I put my phone down a voicemail. I put my phone down. That was appointment TV. We're going to have to listen to the rest of this one because Brooke is on the line.

Now, was her name Brooke? No. Brooke. Heather Brooke. Brooks are hot. I knew it was a Brooke in elementary school. Her name was Brooke. She was so fucking hot.

She was outrageously hot. Like, we were young children. I remember being like, this chick's too hot for her age. Like, we're nine, and you're fucking sexy. I think it's quite the opposite. If someone has not been with somebody in a long time, you usually, like, come quick. Unless there's, like, a lot of nerves and shit. Like, we've been talking all day long.

I was going to say, I think I would understand if it was an erection issue. Yeah. Because that would be like, okay, that makes sense. He's used to this girl and whatever. But once you're hard, you just come. Yeah, I would think. As a person who's...

Once you're hard, you just have to come. Not even out of blue balls, which is fake. I would think. As a person who's, like, once you're hard, you just have to cut. But maybe. Not even out of, like, not even out of blue balls, which is fake. What if he's drinking or on drugs or coke dick or whiskey and it's like he was able to fuck, but he's like, it's not going to happen. That happens. Yeah, that's true. That happens. And then because when you're like that, a good old hand job, you know, with some grip, you know, it gets done.

That shit in the vice. Yeah, you know, like your vagina and your mouth feel better, but if we need to get it done, if we're trying to get from point A to point B the fastest, it's the Kung Fu grip. Just strangle me. Choke it out. Yeah, so you know, there are some explanations. This is every time.

If it's like, yeah, he can't come. I don't know. I'm either a, if it happened like one time, he, it's like, maybe he was, he was drunk or whatever. And he just needs to get the job done. And if it happens every time, maybe he's just got like a kink. I don't know.

Maybe just like, that's how he's got to go. Like jerking off. What's weird is if it's like every now and then, then I think that's bizarre. Yeah. I mean, I've said it before where like I was like so scared of pregnancy when I first started having sex that like I definitely just jerked off on people. Like it wasn't like that. It wasn't as clear as that. Well, then don't say it like that. It's funny that way.

It is very funny. I'm trying to do a funny show comedy folks look it up i jerk off on people we'd have sex and then i would pull out so early i basically had to jerk off it was we would wrestle naked for a little while and then i'd jerk off how long do you think you were really jerking off to come we're talking like a 30 seconds um because i've definitely pulled out early and been like shit can i go back in for a little bit but it's probably 30 seconds to a minute but that's a huge difference it's a yeah it's a 30 second difference probably this thing or double this it's a hundred percent of the time but it was like it was definitely like all right like we're just gonna pull out insanely early because i didn't even like no pre-cum was a thing yeah it's like

the damage could already be done i'll pull out really fucking early and just just fucking loft it up at you were you fucking uh raw when you were a kid yeah really i weren't that afraid of getting bitches pregnant well i yeah you're right i mean it wasn't always i used to use the unlubricated trojans because i was like anything that makes this a little more slippery or whatever is dangerous i might i might you know i want a fucking plastic bag up in there it was it definitely wasn't always raw but like i want i would have sex condoms. I'm going to make a garage, like a cover band called Unlubricated Trojans.

That's going to be my band name. Thank you. We are Unlubricated Trojans. Good night. Those things were terrible. I don't know what to tell this girl. It's like maybe he likes handjobs. Maybe he's a little bit drunk, or maybe he's a total weirdo.

One of the above. Could be all three. Could be, yeah. You know what to tell this girl. It's like maybe he likes handjobs, maybe he's a little bit drunk, or maybe he's a total weirdo. One of the above. Could be all three. Could be, yeah. You know what, though? It's like, who cares? You come from the mouth, you come from the ass, you come from your pussy, you come from a hand. Who cares?

Like, we put so much pressure. Come from a robot. Sure. Right? Come from nothing. Come from thinking. You come quick. You come too long, too short.

Like, we put so much stock into this. It's like really cares it's like kurt cobain said come as you are however you want to come come as long as it's all consensual and shit what's the problem it's like you're literally talking big addition to the c word there you're you're you're literally talking about jerk off in it on that but think about it we are we we hear these girls and all of us we're fretting over which way which position which style which act we beat up on a dick until it pukes who cares oh no his dick only spits at me when i use my hand i don't know i consider that a win it's not in your mouth it's not in your you're not gonna get pregnant who cares you just gotta wash your hands just let people jerk off wash your hands and get it weirdly like sticky on you isn't it the water the cum, when the water gets on the cum, it becomes an entirely different substance. It does. It like coagulates.

And oddly, I know how to fix this. What does that mean? It is because I have... Fix it? What does that mean? I know how to make it not accurate. Oh, when you're washing? When you soap? No. I know how to make it not coagulate because when I used to make eggs all the time, I'd be like, why is it so pain in the

fucking ass to clean my pan? You spray your dick with some Pam? I Googled it, and it's a protein-based liquid hardens in warm water, so you've got to use cold water. That's how it's said to clean your egg pans. I haven't really tried it with my own hands, but I imagine it's a protein-based liquid. So you have not tried this out, but you think.

Yeah, well, it's a hypothesis. I'm being a scientist here. It's a protein-based liquid. So you have not tried this out. I haven't. But you think. Yeah, well, it's a hypothesis. I'm being a scientist here. It's a hypothesis. I haven't run my theories yet. I'll tell you what I'm going to do tonight. I'm coming on my hands. I'm coming on my hands and putting in some cold water. Tonight.

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and affordable, but, you know, an everyday pair is something that you really need. Go to features.com slash KFC for $10 off your first pair. What up, guys? It's Austin. Hey, I love you guys, and I don't want to ruin your day or anything, if that's what it seems like I'm about to do. Sure does. But I listened to the pod from Thursday, and I'm just thinking, like,

man, KFC doesn't think you can make a basketball team anymore and i'm thinking i'm like i wonder so you guys always say that like everyone's themselves at barstool but they get they play it up like they're an exaggerated version of themselves do you guys think that by exaggerating your like lack of self-confidence your lack of masculinity um all of that yes you think you've made yourself confident i know where this is going undoubtedly i think of this every single day and it's one of my biggest regrets i ruined my own life i absolutely ruined my own life. I absolutely ruined my own life. There's literally no question about it. And don't worry. I've talked to my therapist about this.

And she's just like, you probably did. You know how fucked up it is when your therapist is just like, I don't really have a solution for that one. Dude, I was talking to Carton yesterday. He said he's gone through therapists who said, I can't do anything for you. I can't fix you. Keep your money. Go.

Imagine a therapist saying, I give up. I quit. I tap out. There's anything for you. I can't fix you. Keep your money. Go. Imagine a therapist saying, I give up. I quit. I tap out. There's no fixing you. But that's similar. That's similar. Like, yeah, you fucked. I mean, when I was young, because my dad was like a salesman,

and he would kind of teach me tricks about sales and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one thing he always told me was that back in the day when he was having me, and he was cold calling and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And one thing he always told me was that, like, back in the day when he was having me and he was, like, cold calling and shit like that, and he's like, you just always have to have a smile on your face to trick yourself into thinking you're happy. And I've... That's depressing.

Yeah. Like, weird lesson to be teaching a six-year-old. Like, he might have seen some signs. And guess what? Guess who won best smile in fifth grade um but the uh which is also such an insane thing that we do like yeah give out those I don't do them anymore have children vote on who's the hottest yeah we had best body dude it's like well guess who's like the fat girls aren't winning that. Best dressed, a.k.a. whose parents are the least poor here.

Like, everything was just meant to shame parents, be it their DNA or profession or sense of fashion. Unbelievable. I want to make sure you parents don't feel good. But as for, to answer this question, yeah, absolutely. I mean, self-deprecation is, like, my go-to, you know, joke. And it's all just a defense mechanism. It's all like based on insecurity and fear of failure. But also, I think I kind of disagree in a way. I think it's almost a little bit narcissistic at times because I'm only really making fun of things that I think I'm actually OK with.

You know what I mean? Right. Like, I don't think I'm that ugly. I don't think I fuck that bad think I'm actually okay with you know what I mean right like I don't think I'm that ugly I don't think I fuck that bad I'm not that poor like the real problems I have in my life I kind of keep quiet you know so in a way I don't think I would I actually talk about anything you're just fishing for compliments all the time don't worry Kevin you can make your high school basketball team it is I mean who's this guy like yeah no no fucking chance I could make a basketball team right now. Why is that a thing?

I think he just meant, like, because, like, even if, like, my mind was transported back into my body that was the captain of a hockey team, my mind would be like, we're not making this team. Right, right. But, you know, yeah, like, the 36-year-old guy not making the basketball team, I don't think is that. But whatever. I've always said one of my biggest regrets. I think I'd said this in my, behind the blog with, with a hard factor. Pat is that like my go-to style of humor is,

you know, like where the Irish drunk guy with the small dick and bad self-esteem. And then, and I think that's, that's fine. And that plays, I think the problem is we work here where not everybody else does that too. So if there's other guys who are like talking themselves up or don't put themselves down in the same way we do and then you are and then it grew so big like fans start piling on and everybody believes it.

And next thing you know, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I absolutely wish I i but also like i just i was never any different like it's not like i was like uh like sign like you were signing up for barcelona you were signing up for uh fucking high school tryout like here's the position i'm gonna do here's the comedy i'm gonna do it's like this is just this is how i've been funny my whole life right but i think i don't think i was ever like ultra confident, but when I, when I started blogging for fun and then people told me it was funny and I started to gain a little bit of steam and then the early days of barstool where I got good feedback, I think I had like some

confidence in me. I was like, oh shit, this is like working. People think I'm funny, you know? And then like we started doing video and people made fun of your appearance and then we get like competitive and guys are making fun of you here and we get bigger and dah, dah, dah. And now I don't know if i would have the same confidence like you said like if i traveled back to hockey like i don't know if i even traveled back to like the first sure not days with this mindset if i would ever be like yeah i'm gonna keep blogging every

day because this is fucking funny right i think i'd be like well what's the point i'm not going anywhere isn't that you know yeah i think it's i think it started out as like i'm making fun of myself in things that i actually think i'm pretty good at or okay in life with my life status and then it spiraled to being like again self-fulfilling where i was like now i think i've like poisoned the well for everything right i'm so depressing and and really ultimately it's your fucking fault it's these fucking people's fault because if the fans were to ever speak up more and sometimes they do I get an occasional tweet

or whatever being like you know like give yourself more credit or you're funnier than you think or like you're pretty talented I like your show that's also sneaky why I love the

the Spotify wrap ups yeah I love the people sending I got tagged in a tweet that was like oh great it's the end of the year where everyone tags like the podcasters and guess what people like they don't care i'm like i care i'm

very much when i see that i was your number one listen to podcast over all like joe rogan and shit i'm like that makes me feel good so yeah if you fuckers would maybe show some love this way maybe i wouldn't be a uh self what's what's a better term for self-deprecating? A worse term. I guess self-sabotaging. I'm not self-deprecating. I'm just putting myself down in a really unnecessarily mean way. Maybe I wouldn't do that if you fuckers were nice to me. It does 100%.

It is. I'm actually surprised it took this long for someone to ask it. Yeah. I have severe regrets about what i've made myself into well i feel like which you probably could have guessed based on everything i fucking said but you know what's interesting is like it is it's it sucks it really sucks like it's a uh a vicious cycle if you will or like it's a big it's like a snowball it's out of control because it's like that's what makes the show funny now too that's like what people like but it's like oh it's it's coming at a horrific expense like when i when you find me

hanging up from the door it's because of this at best it's coming at a 300 a week expense at worst it's coming at a life if you could go back how do you think you would have done it same way i mean there there are there was there is no different way it could have been done you just said it was oh well i don't know i mean i i i disagree with that i don't i don't think i could have like like decided to do like what like nick tarani's like type of humor no but i do that no i think i just would have been almost like borderline arrogant i think i think that I've just learned, be it from fucking all the way from like Donald Trump as president down to like other internet personalities. I feel like the people who are just like, I'm fucking funny.

This podcast is good. I'm better at this than most people. You should follow me. Like they do good. They feel good. And then, like, and even if I'm at home, there are people who do that. I'm at home going, like, I don't agree with that. Like, you're not that hot. You're not that hot shit, you know.

But there's a lot of impressionable people out there who just buy into it. I think that's what I've realized is that maybe the, I think when you're that person, let's, like, if you have the goods, if you're really fucking talented, like, you're fine. Whatever. person let's like if you have the goods if you're really fucking talented like you're fine whatever if you're kind of putting on a front because you're like it's almost like uh what'd your mom say when you're voting for your like voting for yourself in fourth grade or whatever like if you don't vote for yourself who's gonna vote for you yeah so like if you're if that's your mentality i think the top tier of people who you probably really respect and know and think are smart or whatever they probably see through it and are like this is all fucking front but then there's like 90 more people who are just

going to be like yeah this guy's right he is cool and funny and i'm going to follow him you know what i mean so i think you almost like sacrifice the the people who are like smart enough but you there's a such a bigger base who would just ride with it you're right but also like you're 100 right but that's just never who i've been i mean you just said i was in fourth grade right i was like right for me right um i wonder i don't know if i was so like i will take a little uh pressure off everybody this wasn't you yeah this was me i've been working on taking this fucking place down for a while i don don't think I was ever the opposite of it. It's not like I was walking around in sixth grade like I'm the fucking man and then I started to put myself down and ruined it. I just don't think I ever thought this way.

I never – I still don't really do it. It's like – I think it's a little weird when you're – it's almost like you're manipulative in a way. If you're thinking about that all the time, like, all right, I need to present myself as such so that I convince these people I'm worth their follow and then they'll pay. You know what I mean? It's like, whoa, boy. And that's why I think, again, this play is because it's just like I don't think that way and I just am. I just am who I am. But I think it hurts like negotiations for contracts. I think it hurts like building up your public persona

to other people, to clients and dah, dah, dah, dah. But I just never, it's never that I had it and lost it. I just never thought that way in general. And I think, but I think I would do it differently. I think if I could go back, I would think that way. I think I would be saying to myself, like, you know, even now, like I, I, I gotta, I gotta get back on promoting the show because sometimes I watch a clip back and I'm like, that's not that funny. And I don't think that's worthy of like, check out our show. It's like, oh, I don't think that's that good. But there's like a lot of fucking people who are like, that is funny.

Or like, that's good enough. Or I listen to that show and that's what I like. So I wish I did. I would go back and I would probably make fun of myself a little bit less. Or I would balance it out. I would probably make fun of myself a little bit less or I would balance it out. I would still make fun of myself. But then there would be times where I would flex and be like, you know, we have one of the best shows. I can't even do it right now.

I can't even do it right now. One of the biggest shows in the world, Kevin. Go ahead and say it. I can't do it. One of the biggest podcasts in the entire fucking world. You're usually better at it. You usually. You remind me.

I'm going to do it to you privately. Yeah. Like public. And that's the thing is because publicly you'll use, I feel like you sound like a dickhead and a douchebag. I'm always like, it's for other people to compliment, not for me.

But the problem is when other people don't do it, then it never happens. So I'm just begging for compliments, please. God. But to answer your question and you know, it was the worst part was the way that son of a bitch laughed the whole time. So I was thinking about you fucking guys. And I was thinking about how much you ruined your life.

Do you guys, do you regret that? Because I would. Fuck you, man. Okay. Let's talk to someone who has, you know, an amazing career. And has incredible amounts of confidence, I'm sure. We've got Gabriel Iglesiasan. We changed Gabriel's life forever.

We really did. Probably for the best. Probably like what we did to our own lives. Pull him down. Come on down, Fluffy. But you'll hear right in the top of this interview, he recalled our first conversation together last time he was on the show where we did ATI with him. We talked about aliens and all sorts of conspiracy shit.

And he said he hasn't stopped thinking about it. And so we changed his life forever. He's like, I was never asked. I've never been asked that question before. We radicalized Gabriel Iglesias. When you see him at like a rally, you know, he's like outside the White House. Like, we want answers. We deserve the truth.

It's because of us. All right. So Gabriel is brought to you by Policy Genius. Holiday season sure knows how to lighten your wallet, boy. Is that fucking true? God, these Christmas gifts are getting so expensive i forgot i gotta start doing that yeah yeah i'm really really bad at that stuff yeah it's i mean it's it's creeping up which comes as no surprise i imagine to people no but like i can't believe you have not outsourced

that to your girlfriend just like particularly her effect uh so december is one of the most expensive months of the year. It's the busiest month. So if you're looking for a fast and easy way to put some money back in your pocket, which is like, yeah, everyone is doing that. Who's like, nah, I'm not really looking for a fast or easy way to put money in my wallet. That's not me. It's like Bezos and that's it. So why not reshop all of your insurance rates with Policy Genius?

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They'll get you into the new one one and they do it all for free. Go to policygenius.com to find out how much you could save on home and auto insurance. And if you're feeling that pinch from the holiday season, it'll be nice to know that you got some money coming your way later this year, throughout the year when you go to policygenius.com and save on home and auto insurance. Fluffy, let's talk to him. What's going on, man? Look, just so you know, it ain't no joke. Oh, yeah, you got the real shit. All right, you're doing the real deal, yeah.

How you doing, man? It's like the guy that's sitting on the edge of the bed. How unbelievable is that? You can just say, the guy on the edge of the the bed and everybody knows exactly what you're talking about. What would you do, man? Could you imagine if that was you? Holy shit. I'd still be at home.

Man, that is. His name was Wood, right? Wood, yeah. Yeah, His real name is Wood. Yeah. No, his name should have been Trunk. How are you holding up, man? What's good? How are you doing?

Oh, man. So since the last time I talked to you guys, I think the first time I ever alluded to the fact that that well first of all no one had ever asked me a question about uh the idea of something else being out in the universe and so when i said oh i was a little bit of conspiracy theory i remember one of you guys pulled up a chair and you're like i want to hear this yeah yeah all i've had is time to just sit and watch freaking conspiracy theory videos and videos about the pyramids and monoliths and i mean i'm down i got down this ugly rabbit hole of like what am i doing with my life i'm like that that character that woody uh woody harrelson played in 2012 where he's on the top of the mountain with a

backpack and a radio and the end is near that i honestly feel personally responsible for that now. We really made Gabriel Iglesias question his faith. The thing is, once you go down those rabbit holes and you really start to read some shit and watch some stuff, it's overwhelming because you're just like, well, what about this? What about that? And if that's true, then that must be true. And if that's false, then that's true.

YouTube doesn't help. YouTube's like, oh, you think that shit's cray. Watch this. What do you think's going on with these monoliths? I don't know, man. I find it hard to believe that some supernatural creature just, oh, man, I forgot my keys. I left them over in Utah in between these rocks. Ah, that's my bad.

I think it's just some rich dude who said you know what let me have fun with the world uh and he and he saw far enough ahead where he's like you know what google maps can't track me on this one well and then it popped up in romania too right after the one in utah disappeared there was one in romania on a hillside so it's it's got it my first thought and i think we should still do this is if we just put our own – we could somehow build one of these and we just dropped one in Central Park right now. The world would go crazy. Yeah, so I think somebody was just messing around. Yeah, I'll take you a step further.

You keep saying someone. The answer is Kanye West. Ooh. If anyone was going to do this, if anyone had the funds and the insanity to do this, it's Kanye West. If anyone was going to do this, if anyone had the funds and the insanity to do this, it's Kanye West. Interesting. I could see that. Yep. Did they say what kind of metal it was or was just a... No, that was the thing. It wasn't even really metal. They said it felt almost like cardboard. It was hollow. It wasn't, you know, it wasn't anything of substance really. At least the one in Utah. I don't know about the one in Romaniaia but yeah i don't think it's some like you know solid block of silver or some

extraterrestrial you know material this is probably gonna be some marketing stunt for some sci-fi movie coming out or something like that and it's gonna really piss me off when that's the case yeah i'm telling you it was just somebody with money that thought far enough ahead didn't know there was gonna be a pandemic and he's like well it's just convenient and is there any better way to spend your money than making the world go crazy oh if i if i could do it i would if i get rich watch out world i'm gonna fuck with you guys every day yeah it sounds like the government oh you really been hitting the youtubes you're gonna get us man you going to get us, man.

They're going to get us. Sounds exactly like the Illuminati, doesn't it? What is the weirdest thing that you find yourself kind of being like, I don't know, could be possible? Where's the deepest place you went in the rabbit hole? For me, it's like structures, any type of crazy engineering. So like Machu Picchu or the pyramids or when they start showing these places where like you know and they always get the guy with the um with the accent to

do it so it gives them more credibility yes yes for sure he's like you know i find it remarkable that the precision behind the cuts is such that you know and i'm like oh you know like the david attenborough dude and uh so anytime they show those those structures where it's like they're like you know they got the girl there and she's like you can't even put a credit card in between the lines right and everything is so precise and i'm like yeah meanwhile my contractor can't get my pergola straight in the backyard it's so true about the narrator you know if it was a guy like me and i was like yeah listen these things are just too big you know it doesn't it doesn't work but but you get me give me a good

british accent sound and a pair of glasses and i'll believe anything the guy's saying i'm just glad we found work for the lifestyles of the rich and famous guy yeah he's been out of work for a little while yeah give me a little rob Leach. Yeah, Robin Leach. So you're thinking that Machu Picchu and the pyramids and whatnot, you're thinking they're extraterrestrial? You know, when you say it like that, it's like people think, then you're nuts. But I'm like, no, no, no.

I'm just mathematically speaking, based on the size of something and how precise and straight. They didn't have tools in those times, or at least there wasn't evidence of special tools in those times. So, yeah, it does make you question it because, like I said, when they say stuff like the modern tools of today couldn't even do that, then it's like, all right. Well, then, yeah. Yeah. So what do you think about the idea?

I'm of the school of thought that they weren't built by aliens per se, but that aliens came down, maybe gave them the tools, gave them the blueprint and kind of gave them the alley-oop, like the assist. You know what? That's what I'm leaning towards. It's one of those things where it's like, you know, if we know that there's something like, you know, how many times have you seen on like those nature shows, whatever, when they show like a chimpanzee, right? And you're like, oh, wow, the chimpanzee is very smart. It's very smart. Let's teach it something. And then they teach it sign language and like, yeah, let's teach you sign language and let's teach you how to play with these toys. Let's teach you how to do that. And we're just like, oh, wow, look, they're smart. We can teach them

things. I feel like we're the chimp in this situation. Yeah, exactly, man. We're just one big experiment. I get it. I'm on board with this totally. And you know what? You go deeper. They say that like guys like Leonardo da Vinci and there were certain guys who were like way too ahead of their time

that like the writings he was doing and the things he was sketching, like he just couldn't have possibly even envisioned these things. I think, again, it's like when you see guys like that, they were just buddies with an alien. You know? It's like, you know, it's just not possible unless there was somebody, you know, hooking them up a little bit. I like where this is going, Gabriel.

I could talk about this for hours. These are the things that my brain like just refuses the process as a protection for myself and it's just like we're not even going to talk about if that like dog-headed god was real yeah because he if he was actually the one that came down and gave them once you take the the red pill or whatever you can't go back now all i think about constantly i'm like is this even real what what are we doing here? Where am I? Now, later on, when you go on your phone, your phone's going to have a list of all these different videos and documentaries. And you're like, what the hell?

It's because we're watching, bro. So have you been thinking about this since our last time talking? You're just going down the conspiracy route for the last few months? Yeah. Well, you know, there's always something in the back of my mind. But, but you know, again, publicly, that was the first time I'd ever had a conversation like that. And people will always ask you questions, whether it's about religion or sports or politics. And those are things that I've usually tried to avoid, but I was kind of like, yeah, you know, conspiracy theories like, Hmm, JFK, you know,

part of the list of all kinds of who's really responsible for 9-11. Now, some of these are real conspiracies, and some are just like, dude, come on. Yeah, right. How about a few months ago? As far as a higher power, I'm like, I find it hard to believe that America, that the world got its shit together in like 200 years. Yeah, now. To go from beating rocks together on on side of a

cliff uh avoiding uh whatever animals were around to all of a sudden you know hey look fix my wi-fi that's a lot of progress in a short period of time the government uh just this year confirmed that they had materials that are not of this planet. And nobody's talking about it. They just said straight up. We have this material that we don't know where it came from. Nobody on the planet earth could build something like this. And everyone's just like, oh, that's interesting. No, this is fucking crazy.

This is a crazy announcement. Why aren't we talking about it? People are so numb right now. They're just like, why are they going to open the restaurants for us to eat? Right. Yeah. Wouldn't you be so disappointed if you're anyone who's been in the government for the last 60, 70, however many years, and you're like,

we can't tell people about this. It will create worldwide hysteria. It's great secret. And you tell us, and we're like, yeah, we don't care. They kept all that a secret from us because they predicted we would lose our minds and just go into riots and burn down buildings because, you know, God wasn't real and nothing's real. It's like everyone's like, yeah, no, it's fine. As long as we had a feeling.

Can I go into McDonald's or not? That's really what it comes down to, man. It's crazy. Yeah, that's what people care about right now. Hey, do I have to wear the mask all the time? When can I go? Because that's what I'm wondering. I'm like, man, they're shutting down

restaurants. You can't even eat outside. This is bullshit. I'm tired of cooking. You know who impresses me the most of these people though, of the masks, are the people who still don't know how to wear one. If you don't wear one, I understand that more than someone who still

hasn't figured out how to put the mask on like this like yeah i'm good right like this is almost worse doing it this way it's on your lips it's like just put it on if you think it's a government conspiracy or if you think that like masks actually get you sick i can find more common ground with you than someone who has taken a year to learn how to put on a mask unbelievable man don't get me wrong I'll wear the mask if I'm in public you know if I'm doing something I'll wear it and I'll wear it the right way but you know

I'm not driving with it on no of course not and if no one's around I'm not putting it on you know I'll do the thing where I'll tuck it under my chin and make it like a like a some beard you know what I mean yeah have you been doing any it under my chin and make it like a like a uh oh some beard you know what i mean yeah yeah have you been uh doing any like any any uh stage work have you been out there at all you're trying

to do any of this alternative comedy i've i've been an alternative uh yeah yeah uh i've i've been off the grid for about eight nine months up until about two weeks ago, I got an opportunity to do a private gig in Vegas and I was horrible. Oh my God. It's like that. It's like that guy who's just like buff and fit. And then he stops going to the gym because he met the love of his life. Right. I don't need to work out no more. And then they break up and he's like, well, back to the gym. And now he can't even hang for five minutes on the treadmill yeah it's just it was bad it was rough i forgot my material i didn't man i was just all over the place it was it was uncomfortable it felt good a little bit because it made me feel new again i'm like it made me like wonder where is this gonna go how

is this gonna end because for the most part you know you got your your act together and you know what jokes work and you know how to close the show then you're just like okay let's just you know let's handle this but man i was i was scared well what is it what exactly does private event mean like how many people are we talking uh there was about 100 people there it was a uh special function for one of the hotels in vegas and uh you know they they hired me to entertain their high rollers did you do you think they could tell or was this something just you have your standard for yourself or do you think the audience was like oh boy I think they were just happy to be out too yeah yeah and so it was kind of one of those things where uh I'd say the first 20 minutes was just conversational like you

guys have no idea how weird this feels like we're're outside, like we're not at home. Like, wow, I'm touching a microphone. This is crazy. Did you get that same rush to like, at this point in your career, do you, do you need it? Are you like thrilled to be back up there? Or is it like, you know, you've moved on to acting and you've got the show in season three and like, that's where your, your mind is going. I'm still a comic if they allow me. Uh, I will do anything else just because it's, you know, uh,

you gotta, you gotta do something. If I'm just going to rely on just, Oh, whenever they let us go back, that's when I'll go back. No, you know, I gotta do what I gotta do. So whether it's, uh, do, uh, movies, uh, do voiceovers, do hosting, do commercials. I mean, I have hoed myself out on a whole other level now. Like right now, I think I've got a couple of commercials running online. One is for Old Spice because, yeah. Why not? Hit me with the Old Spice tagline.

What do you do in the commercial? What's the line? Well, the Old Spice, I have this product called Below Deck. And basically, it's to keep your nether regions dry. I was going to say, I can tell where we're going with that one. Oh, yeah. You keep it dry, man. So, you know, you take this, you go under there,

and you kind of just do this number. Just kind of do one of those. Lift and spray. And you're beyond. Wow, that smells good. And, yeah, it's pretty awesome uh yeah man if i was like in your position i would take everything especially the voiceovers man voiceover work is the gig you just lend that perfect voice to yours and you're done oh my

god i would do that for every animated movie that comes my way whatever you know sometimes you got to create your own opportunities like i started selling funko's uh that you know so funko me and my dogs this is the second one and uh yeah we started selling these and they're pretty popular they fly off the shelf so uh people love the holiday you take you take your rabid fan base that you just have like the fluffy fans mix them with the funko fans and you've got yourself a recipe for a lot we mix them all up man we mix them all up, man. We mix them all up. Funkos? Yeah, so it's, you know.

Funkos have become like the new like Beanie Baby, right? Yeah, yeah, they are. Like a Beanie Baby or a Pokemon card or a Pog or something like that. People love collecting. We have guys here who have like their desks are just covered in Funkos. Funkos are, you know, it's the original baseball card. It was a collectible. Right. And so then little by little, things started popping up,

whether it was bobbleheads or Beanie Babies back then or Pokemon cards. And now, yeah. I don't know how I missed baseball cards. Yeah, that's a pretty big one. I skipped like three. It's like, you know, U.S. bonds. Did you know about that world at all? Or did like someone in your team come and say like, hey, there's these, you know, dolls, these Funko dolls, like get on board with it.

I knew about the Funkos a few years back, but I wasn't as into them. I was more so like, oh, I want one made. I do have friends and family that have some insane collections. Uh, my personal trainer, I'll put his business out there. That dude, he claims it's for his kids, but he has, he has for my children. Yeah. And the kids are just like, you know, they don't know half the figures. Uh, he has over 700 and my, uh, my cousin is in the, in the seven, 800 range too, where, you you know i asked him the other

the other day what is the value of all your collection he goes well recently uh when i scanned him and i'm like scanned him wow uh he said he's got about 17 000 worth of funko's and and i messed up because i asked him in front of his wife so that that really messed up thanksgiving yeah yeah 17 000 we could really do that around the house we could do this we could fix that yeah she was like i'm buying a car after this what a spot for you to be in though where you're like i see the funko like passion not really interested in buying one but i would like to be made into one i could have there are very few people who can say like i'd like to be an action one i could there are very few people who can say like i'd

like to be an action figure yeah and it works out for him yeah well the way that it works is that um we had originally reached out to them a few years back and said hey you know i'm comic i got so many so many numbers on social media i've been in show business for so long because they picked their topics you know whether it's television or movies or just icons or, you know, certain types of sports legends and stuff like that. So they have their categories, but they didn't have a comics category. So I said, I'm a comedian and I think you guys should have a comedian's category. And they're like, oh, okay. They kind of entertained the conversation for a little bit, but then they came back and they said, we just don't feel that your own brand was what we're doing. And, you know, I was one of those, you know, it's not you, it's me

kind of a thing. And reach out, you know, a few years later, see if things are different. And sure enough, we did. I had the right person make a phone call and they entertained the idea, but I think they were trying to brush me off because they said, look, we won't license a Gabriel Iglesias Funko, but we will produce one for you. So basically you would pay us. We'd make the figure and then you could sell it on your own. And I'm like, well, that actually sounds cool. And so then it sounds better to me. They gave me a really steep number of Funkos I had to order.

And I think thinking that, oh, he's this is going to get rid of them once and for all. And next thing I know, I got a semi-truck in front of the office. Wow, that many? Holy shit. Oh, yeah. And they all sold. So we called them back and we said, hey, can we get some more? And they're like, really?

Like, yeah. And now it's a little bit different. Now it's like, oh, well, you know, we have this and we have that. And I'm like, oh, you didn't give me that option before. I'm just saying sometimes you gotta, you gotta, you know, people say you take chances, take chances on yourself, gamble on you. And that was one of those that just really paid off. So now we're on our second, we're working on a couple more figures right now, but I'm definitely part of that Funko world. And I'm probably the only real face that they have that's consistent because I'm always marketing it, putting it on social media. And, you know, if Comic-Con was around, I'd definitely be at Comic-Con. I was there last year and I was supposed to be there this year. And of course, you know, is this like your your your big moneymaker right now? As I mean, like as the pandemic hits and things dry up you've got this this uh funko cash cow that's got to be a nice surprise oh no it's it it kills it's it's awesome it's one of those

things where it's like the funko people have their own world i call them mother funko's and uh their own world and then of course you you mix that up with an actual fan base and uh it's it's magic you know you said something there though that stuck out to me oh hello yeah and you said i know this is weird he was sitting behind me but he wanted to be in front i i collect chihuahuas too but you said you said gamble on yourself and i feel like that's an easy thing for gabrielle iglesias to say you're not really gambling right like are you gambling or because like like a homeless guy on the street if he tells me to gamble on myself i'm gonna be like well that's a real gamble are you gambling on

yourself uh well the way i figured you know it's it's like comedy got me to a certain place and then it's one of those how are you gonna what are you gonna do with that money uh dick off and buy another car which i've done i just or let me let me let me spend some money to try to see if if this you know product can can do something because i've done that in the past i got a whole merchandise line and i have um there's been some things that have been successful and some things that have bombed that i still have a you know 10 000 of in the back. So it is one of those things where it can be a gamble if something is not successful. And, you know, you spend a certain amount of money to have something made, but people aren't willing to spend money to buy it, you know,

or they're like, we want it at this price. But you're like, no, I spent this much. You got to at least spend this much so I break even. And sometimes I have lost on it. So it was a gamble because I have lost. We got some of those merch boxes ourselves. This keychain koozie is going to kill it. Right.

Exactly. Exactly. All right. Well, we got a few more questions for you here. Hopefully we can open up your mind a little bit more to some of the crazy, the the rabbit holes we can go down uh but we're gonna do answer the internet once again um let's go with uh okay this is kind of perfect uh if you had to pick one person to be the ambassador for the human race if aliens uh come down to meet them for the first time who would you pick oh man i'll tell you what people we asked this to are usually a good answer like gabriel aliens come down to meet them for the first time, who would you pick? Oh, man.

I'll tell you what. People we ask this to are usually a good answer. Like, Gabriel Iglesias is a good answer. You would really be great. Multicultural, multiple languages, sense of humor. You'd be a good one. I don't know, man. I think I'd shut down.

I think if I'm, you know, that's a hell of a, that's bigger than the vegas show so you have to work on your act a little bit first yeah i gotta work on my whole hey welcome to the world kind of a thing uh but if not me i i i think after this weekend i'd say we should get snoop man yeah great answer he was incredible huh he was the star of the night as far as i'm concerned i mean i saw the fight and i was excited to see tyson more than anything uh i i met roy jones but uh i was excited to see tyson back in there and you're a big boxing fan what's that you're a big boxing fan uh yes and so uh you know to see the two legends going at it i was excited for the first 30 seconds of the first round and then it was you know like snoop said this is like two uncles fighting at a wedding you know yeah yeah he was unbelievable do you as a boxing fan do you think someone like like jake paul or the paul's getting into boxing

do you think that's good for the sport or do you think it's like it makes the sideshow um i think that it is good for the sport because it's bringing a whole new set of eyes to the business you know everybody's talking smack about Jake Paul. And, you know, however you feel about the guy, he's got numbers. He does stuff. He's like a white version of 6ix9ine, you know. You say he's crazy. You say, what the hell is he doing?

And I can't believe, you know, this guy is still out there. But he's out there. And so the fact that he brings these millions of viewers to a whole different world, I think it's a great thing because, you know, people can can see and watch. And the dude, you know, say what you want. He knocked out two fools. All right. Yeah. So throw punches, man. I mean, I think they know how far they can take him. Clearly, he was more trained than the guy he beat in the ring the other day. Poor guy. I think he's like the modern-day Butterbean for right now until he gets good.

Because his swings are still crazy swings, and if he connects, then he's good to go. Who would you box in a celebrity event? Oh, shoot. Man. Probably Mario Lopez because I think I could take Mario Lopez. Mario Lopez boxes, but I outweigh Mario by like 150 pounds. So I think I could take him. We had Mario on probably last week or two weeks ago,

and he was talking about we were actually busting his balls because he's only a blue belt in judo. But as he explained it, the blue belt is actually pretty difficult to get. Yeah. He's, you know, he's very gifted and I'll take nothing away. But, you know, I'll kick his ass. Size, size, size matters. Hey, hey, don't make me get the big microphone.

I love Mario. Mario and I are friends. But, yeah, man, you know, if I was to connect even one, man, I got to buy a lot. Would you rather live with your parents for the rest of your life or you always have to use toilet paper as napkins? I got no problem using toilet paper as napkins. I'm kind of with you. No.

You're eating like hot wings. You got sauce all over, and you touch it, and it sticks to your hands, and you kind of. You're eating like hot wings. You got sauce all over. And you touch it and it sticks to your hands. And you rip it. You're ripping through it. You can't actually get anything off your fingers. Then you got the paper on your fingers. Everything else you touch.

It's a nightmare. I don't need napkins. I'm wearing pants. I got pockets. You got me there. I'll wipe it on my boxers. Nobody sees inside my pockets. I'll put it in my pockets and wipe them off and then that's it.

Inside the hoodie. Whatever. All of my clothes and the them off and then that's it inside the hoodie all of my clothes the parts you can't see are just disgusting you're gross how many rats would it take to overwhelm you in a fight how many rats would it take to overwhelm me in a fight the irony of you asking that question is that we're in my conference room uh here in long beach california and uh apparently i have a rat problem in this room because the counter behind me uh this right here this area used to have snacks for anybody that would walk into the conference room so we had a you know little bowls that had chips and candies and just whatever you know you walk into a conference room and you know,

I try to do it to make everybody feel comfortable. Cause I hate walking. The snack room here. It's like the most popular thing in the office. Everybody's always crowded around. It just puts you in a different mood. And I've walked into so many meetings where all they have is like water and would you like a soda? And I'm like, you got anything? Yeah. You know? And so I guess there's, there's been a rat that found out about my little collection

of snacks and stuff and started throwing its own parties. So I'd come into the room and I'd grab like a bag of Cheetos and I'd pick it up and there'd be a giant hole in the side and all the Cheetos are gone. And I'm like, oh my God. And this dude was eating everything. He was eating Cheetos and what do you call them York Peppermint Patties. Say what you want. That dude got some good breath. Yeah. He's eating good, man.

The fact that you're just sitting in that room right now knowing that it has not a rat problem per se, but a rat who lives there is one of the braver things I've ever seen in my life. I'd be like, are your feet, are you sitting like crisscross applesauce well rats when i brought in my my friend who's a pest control guy uh he gave me the whole rats like to stick to the corners stick to the darkness you know they certain sounds freak them out so they're not just going to be running around the middle of the room so stay right in the middle then babe yeah right on top of that table actually i have a show in nickelodeon that has animals on it and one of the episodes was was rats uh and i had rats crawling on me and i was totally cool with it and it's it's the weirdest thing like i would have a pet rat like if this dude was like you

know what uh listen gabe um i appreciate the snacks and stuff uh if we could meet somewhere in the middle common ground like i won't bite you or spread disease just keep putting the snacks out and i'll pop my head and every time you mention the movie ben i'll come in and be like hey i'll make cat a rat king gave the the fucking rat king man uh last one here if you could get access to one person's phone to look at all their stuff who would it be probably probably president trump's what are you looking for specifically in there i don't know man it's just one of those like let's see what happens because i think most people would say

oh they're they're partners or their ex you know partner or whatever but i you know come on at this point if you if if you want to see that bad you probably already know what's on it yeah i have no interest in my partner's phone you'd have to you have to make me look at their phone yeah no you know what i want to see i want to see the the drafts, the stuff that never made it to social media. I'll tell you what, I don't think that man has many drafts. He lets it fly. He's usually present published. Oh, that'd be sad, too.

No drafts at all. I honestly think all of my drafts are just an accident. I never have a draft like, all right, we'll save that for later. Basically, any time I'm going to say something, I'm just like i'm just like all right let's just say it yeah we're idiots that's probably that's probably why we're here now how many times have you sent something that you didn't make a draft of where you had to apologize for it none well i don't think any we don't we don't do much apologize yeah that's the thing there there okay that's a better question how many times should i apologize many that's a better question. How many times should I have apologized? Many. That's probably more.

But, like, I mean, they're not bad apologies. It's just like, I thought this quarterback was better. Like, it's not like something I have to issue, like, an apology to, like, a group of people. A press release. Yeah, it's just like, yeah, I was wrong. Like, I would have picked the other guy. Yeah, it's mostly I'm dumb. That's what our apologies are.

Sorry, I'm dumb. All right, man. Well, we appreciate the time Mr. Iglesias comes out on December 8th On Netflix season 3 so you're cooking man I mean getting several seasons in there That's a blessing I still have my animal show so hopefully I'll get a free rat out of the deal

Alright man thanks a lot Thank you so much have a good one Gabe Thanks you guys I'll see you on the dark web Have a good one Alright Go, Gabe. Thanks, you guys. I'll see you on the dark web. Have a good one. Later. All right. I've got some issues that nobody can see And all of these emotions are pouring out of me

I bring them to the life of you It's only like this is the soundtrack to my life. The soundtrack to my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life.

To my life. To my life. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.