KFC Radio - Gifting Rolexes, Toiletgate, Fighting the Duggars to the Death

Episode Date: December 19, 2019

KFC and Feits had year end reviews with Dave. The Spittin Chiclets boys got their producer a Rolex for Christmas. Bosses are trying to ruin employee bathroom time. Chrissy Teigen and John Legend had the most relatable fight. Voicemails include: Fighting all the Duggars to the death, Remaking a movie with muppets, Would you commit suicide for world peace?You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio brought to you by Truly Hard Seltzer. I have been thinking long and hard about it. I've been testing it, I've been trying it, and I'm ready to officially declare my favorite flavor of Truly. What? Watermelon Kiwi. I haven't had it, but I'm not much of a watermelon fella. I am a pomegranate.

I'm a super fruit guy. Watermelon Kiwi is a different animal. It's not just watermelon. It's watermelon Kiwi. It's an underrated flavor for all things. A Kiwi is a strange fruit. It is, but it's well, I mean, I'm not eating the hair. Yeah, but it's just like...

You've never actually even eaten just the kiwi. Oh, I was a big kiwi kid. I enjoy a kiwi. I'm just saying it's an interesting fruit. What would you do? Peel a kiwi? You cut it? Yeah, my mom would peel it, and then she'd just kind of lay it out.

Peel it like an orange? It's quite good. You can peel it with your hands? I think it's almost a pineapple. No, no, no. It's not a husk. Yeah, you've got to have a potato skin or whatever it is. I'm going to probably just cut it, but whatever.

You lose a little of the flesh that way, but it is what it is. Wow, it's a whole process to get that kiwi flavor in there. So now I really appreciate it, truly. They got people in the basement with a potato skin or whatever John said. Yeah. Whatever it takes to get me my watermelon kiwi while I can get my buzz on drinking my hard seltzer. They just throw it through a tube and it comes into this field.

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It's all for all weather, all winters, all summer, all year round. You can drink yourself some truly hard seltzer. I like the watermelon kiwi. You can also do pineapple, mango, passion fruit, wild berry, blueberry, raspberry, black

cherry, lime, grapefruit, orange, and lemon. So all sorts of different flavors. And you can go get yours and drink it this winter, this holiday season. It's our last episode before our week off. There will be one episode next week as well, but this is basically it for us before we get to go on our little winter hiatus, our winter week off. I love these weeks off. The July 4th week.

I'm surprised they still happen, if we're being honest. Why is that? I guess I just don't think that happens in the real world. I don't know for sure. Yeah, yeah. Like people shut. I mean, I think everybody should do it. I think it's ridiculous.

Like nobody's getting shit done. I think it's better to just admit. Like if I was a boss, and then maybe this is why it started with a place like this. If I was a boss running like a startup or a small spot, I would say to myself, no one's actually doing shit now anyway. So I'm going to give them the week off and look like the hero. Yeah. You know?

And also, at least in earlier times, we just, those were our vacations. It was like you get the week off, but you don't get vacations. Ever again. Well, that's why I say I like the July 4th one and the winter one because that's all I ever get. Yeah. And I always kind of forget about them. I'm always like, oh, yeah, wait a minute. We get like a fucking 10 days off.

This year we don't, though. This year we got a fucking interview on January 2nd. I didn't know about that. I was planning on being away until January 6th or whatever. I don't think I knew that either. Yeah. But either way, it's Friday through

Tuesday. No, because we're gone. Wait, so what is it? Starting tomorrow, we're off. Basically. So we're getting a full week. All next week is off. Yeah, and you get the two weekends, and then you get a couple days on the other end. Yeah, it's a lot of days.

I guess I was going to take two weeks off. Yeah, and you get to two weekends, and then you get a couple days on the other end. Yeah, it's a lot of days. I guess I was going to take two weeks off, which is not going to happen. Why don't we do that? We'll just cancel that interview. Okay, we'll do it if you want to. I'm fine with it. Fuck yeah, let's go two weeks off, baby. It's our only time to take time off. We'll do two weeks now and then no weeks for the rest of the fucking time

until the summer. I like this. Gotta reboot. Gotta recharge. Restart. Reboot the drivers, baby. It is hard, man. It's a grind. then no weeks for the rest of the fucking time till the summer i like this got it got a reboot got to recharge restart reboot drivers baby it's hard man it's it's a grind it's so it's such a funny thing because it is like it's a it's a fucking no it's a grind i'm telling you having having even just a brief experience on the other side the the other side what they don't what they always have is the ability to just sit there and be mindless. There are days you walk in hungover and you stare at your screen. You're like, I'm not going to do a single thing today.

I'm going to sit here for eight hours, nine hours, do nothing. I might as well be on my couch. Right. You can't do that here. Jobs are just such an interesting thing because even within a company, you're like, that person doesn't do anything. And you just inherently say it. You're like, that person's got an easy job. And like, I just don't know what they do. You have no idea what they do.

No job. It's just weird. Aside from like, you know that like being a doctor is like hard and stressful and like lawyers are hard hours and iBankers work like 100 hours a week. Other than that, you don't know what the fuck else people go through. Yeah. But like you, it's this weird thing where I get it's human nature, obviously, but you want to be like, I have the hardest job. Yeah, of course. You don't. It's the same people like when you wake obviously but you you want to be like i have

the hardest job yeah of course it's the same people like when you wake up early you want to wake up the earliest who fucking cares you know but yeah the idea that well you know what it is it justifies your complaining everyone complains and everybody's complaining everybody wants sympathy and everyone wants to be viewed as like the hardest i think you had that that a retweet of that recently where some girl had like uh like I'm so happy I switched to veterinary school. It's not work. If you love it, it's true, blah, blah, blah. And then she graduated.

She quoted, never mind. Quote tweeted her own tweet. Yeah. It's just work. Every job becomes just work. It is part of your job. The part of your job you love, you always love. It just comes with other bullshit.

Yes. The part that you love. It's like when athletes are. She loves interacting with animals still. Yeah. There's a lot of fucking red tape bureaucracy that goes with it. you always love it just comes with other bullshit yes the part the part that you love like you love in her like she loves interacting with animals still yeah there's a lot of fucking red tape bureaucracy that goes with it i love talking to you on a podcast it's the rest of the shit it's like when we have people come in here and we're like oh you're doing a lot of press and like well that's what i get paid for right you know the acting is great it's the what i get paid for is to do these stupid press tours of people i don't want to talk to that i get you know yeah if i

could just talk to you all day long great if I have to interact with other people and deal with other bullshit, sucks. I also, as much stress as I used to feel for work stress, like my boss is going to get mad at me, that's totally gone here. I mean, I guess we all live in fear of Dave a little bit, but for the most part, there's no boss situation. Yeah, we both had our end of year review today. It was a total of a minute maybe? Yo, that was hilarious. Mine, I'm not kidding you end of year review today. It was a total of a minute maybe? Yo, that was hilarious.

Mine, I'm not kidding you. My year end review. Now, if we actually review my year, we launched ATI. We launched so much merch. We're doing live shows now. Our podcast is up like 30%. We have a lot to talk about. No exaggeration.

My review with Dave Portn I was under 10 seconds. I like it that way. It was Homer Simpson. I walked in. I sat down. I stood up. I walked out. I mean, Dave looked at me and shrugged and was like, I mean, that's it.

I mean, mine was particularly silly because I'm under contract. So it was just like there's nothing to talk about. Even if you did good or did bad, it is what it is. But, yeah, I would prefer that as well. Although, it's nice to know where you stand. to talk about even if you did good or did bad it is what it is uh but yeah i would i would i i would prefer that as well although it's nice to know a nice healthy balance of like you know i've always the longest running battle i've had with dave is like i don't need you to like hold my hand and fucking pat me on the ass but like let me know where i stand or like uh uh you know let me know there's some value here we go a long way but i don't need it so if you don't do it fine fuck it

whatever but i think that's how with dave i think we've just learned that is how you know where you stand yeah well like if you're not in trouble you're saying that you're in a great no news is great news basically yeah so you're not gonna get a congratulations but if you're not gonna yell that he'll always that's his counter but i'm just saying that like yes sure but i think that me and a bunch of other people here like if there was a hey like yo you fucking crushed it big oh okay i'm gonna do more of that but i you know you're never gonna get that so whatever we're never gonna get like the boss uh like anxiousness anxiety but i would i think i would gladly trade back into that to remove the anxiety of like the rest of the world like like we don't have to worry about our boss i just have

to worry about everyone else who consumes my shit what do they like what do they think how i look do they think i'm funny do they think i was good do they like my guests do they like this like how long the podcast was how short the podcast was the video did i've written you know what i mean it's just like okay so my boss doesn't bother me it's just the millions of people in the world that do yeah we don't have one boss. We got a couple million. Yeah, that's really what it is. Like the general public is our boss. And guess what?

General public is a bunch of fucking assholes. I was watching Andrew Schultz's Instagram. Shout out to him. He just announced he's doing a huge theater with his first ever special that's attached to a network. He didn't announce which network yet, but big news for him. He's on ATI also this week. It's crushing. first ever uh special that's like attached to a network he didn't announce which network yet but big news for him and he's on ati also this week it's crushing so go watch him uh do answer the

internet again but he put his tickets on sale they sold out immediately second show was almost sold out immediately and he put up this instagram being like um like it's so incredible to see how many of you guys like want me to succeed like thank you and i was like and maybe this is in my own head but i was like boy i don't think that we have that at all it's i think our entire careers here and maybe it's in my own head because there are a lot of people who support us we do sell out tickets we do sell out things but the the feedback is all it's an uphill battle like if i sell out a if i if i sold out a theater my instagram post would be like fuck you guys yeah you thought i couldn't but i did not like thanks you guys

wanted to see me succeed it's it's i don't know if it's a barstool thing if it's an us thing if it's like because we're just like in the renegade internet world where he's just in like the stand up world but i think there's much more opposite. It's like proving your haters wrong rather than proving your supporters right. I tend to agree with you. You think that's in our heads or our personally? I think it's certainly in our heads. I think it's – Because we do sell out.

We do get the benefits of it. But I guess those are just the normal people. We've always said the vocal minority is the people who are loud and obnoxious. The people who are selling out our tickets are just like, yeah, I bought the tickets. I didn't praise you online. I think part of the issue is also the huge part of success

where I think so many of those kind of fans adore Schultz. I have them on a pedestal. Whereas a lot of our fans are our friends. You're not going to suck your friend's dick. Right. If we sold out a show,

my friends would be like, wouldn't even care. My friends don't come to my show. They don't give a shit. They don't know anymore. That's a great point. We always say, you're not friends with me unless I hate you and bust your balls. I'm never going to praise you.

I guess I've actually been going out of my way. I think you have been too as well because of this. I'm always like, yeah, you look good. Hey, that was funny or whatever. But I think most people with their friends don't go out of their way to give them positive reinforcement. But also there's a difference between being like, yeah, it's a nice shirt and being like, hey, you're doing really well. Yeah, you set your goal and achieved it, and that's impressive. I'm proud of you.

It's like, hey, that was a good purchase or hey, I'm proud of the person you are. They're different things. So I guess though, it's more the career, like the blogger slash podcaster versus being an actor, a stand up, athlete,

whatever else where you're in the public eye where it's like they... When you came up, I think now the internet's a lot meaner and also a lot nicer. I think everything in the world is becoming more and more polarized. So I think the people who are nice on the internet are so much nicer, and other people who are mean on the internet are so much meaner.

But when we came up, it was like... We came up. When we started, it was like... We were all fucking idiots with busting balls. Yeah. And then I think what's happened personally to us is, and this is our own faults, is the we, I'm not going to say we. I'm not going to throw you in this.

It's me. How I feel is like I don't, even when someone's fucking around with me on the internet, I just take it as an attack. Yeah. It's never like, ah, they're having me on the internet, I just take it as an attack. Yeah. I don't, it's never like, ah, they're having fun busting balls. I try to remind myself of that. But I don't, I also don't know. I guess I'm just bad at reading tone and things like that, where I'm like, I don't know. You're like, you're just being a dick. Right, why would you, like,

even if you are joking, it's not fucking funny. Like, shut up, you know? And even if it's just something fucking stupid that, like, if you said to me it's funny, if it was said by anyone else or someone I recognize, it's funny, for some reason, I am always on the defensive yeah no well i think that's probably a product of barstool and portnoy and like well we you know grew up on the streets basically the internet and it's like always like yeah i'm ready to fucking punch you i have a chip in my shoulder i always think it's an attack if you're watching barstool gold i'm literally

throwing punches right now go to barstoolgold.com slash kfc to watch us freak out and have this existential crisis but yeah i i i i'll say something like today i was making fun of garrett cole garrett cole uh had his press conference and he has his shaved hair face and hair slicked back and he looks like he is on trial for date rape he looks like like a Duke lacrosse player who was accused of a Me Too thing. And I was busting his balls saying that he looks like he's going to be a bad pitcher. And these Yankee fans immediately, Well, yeah, well, you fucking cheated on your wife. And I'm sitting there going like, dude, relax.

I was just like busting balls about a baseball player. But then I try to remember that there are probably times where someone's like, Yo, dude, I was just like joking around about how you looked on the rundown and i'm like oh shit i was the one being sensitive there so even with garrett cole if garrett cole saw that maybe you think it's funny maybe he'd think he'd be like fuck you man like oh come on i was just yeah like i don't really mean it but then i have to remember that it's but i'll also say that i think more like 99.9 percent of the time, I am just busting balls. And I do think that the average internet regular person is not busting balls. I think they are usually being pretty mean or spiteful or serious.

So I don't think we're wrong to necessarily take it that way. But there probably are certain times where we're overreacting, I guess. There are definitely times but I but I I just I do think that there was a point and I know that for me there's a you know clear line in the sand between my personal issues and before and after where um like when we were coming up I feel like people did like support more and it was like uh more like when the commenters were like a community and when barstool was still smaller it was like we want to see you succeed. I don't think so.

No? No, I think you're just – I used to feel much more support. I think that's rose-colored lenses. I think it was – I think – and we're talking about a very small – most of the people who listen to the podcast – Do support, yeah. Yeah, I don't know, like commenters. And I think that's always been that way.

I think it's always been like, fuck you, you suck. Anytime you get a little bit better, it's you sold out. Yeah. I think it's always been that way i think it's always been like fuck you you suck anytime you get a little bit better it's you sold out yeah i think it's always it's always and that's part of being like an indie fan yeah yeah it's like you sold out like you want it to just be your thing you found but i i do remember at one point feeling that vibe that what like schultz had put up like you wanted to see me succeed i don't feel that now and i and i do think a lot of the hate that I feel, it does come from like, you know, people feel deeply personally affected by what happened with my marriage to the point that they don't want to see me succeed professionally anymore.

But I, I used to feel like if, um, if I made it appear, like when I made my first appearance on Boomer and Carton, people were like, wow, like awesome like awesome dude you know and i feel like if i do something like that now it's like they just the only feedback i'm getting is more like people trying to tear it down or mitigate it or whatever yeah but also you haven't done it like it's not your first time doing anymore yeah it's not special anymore so it's just i was just like that well that's also what i think happens too is that people take it for granted it's like you know uh even we we just raised a shit ton of money and it was just like, okay, cool. Like, good job.

And it's like, that was pretty, pretty special. Like we, like, I think sometimes the Barstool community almost takes for granted the things that we can do and the things that we like. Yeah.

And by also, I think we take for granted, we'll take for granted. It's, it's the same thing. I, I always use the, um,

the USB cable as a good example, I think, because everyone jokes you get it wrong nine times out of ten. And you don't. It's 50-50. It's always 50-50. And because there are only two ways to put it in. And you do it in the dark. It's 50-50. And you just remember the bad times.

And I think we take for granted the support. Yeah. Because it's just the one person who's mean that sticks out and that's what weighs on your mind. Right. It's 50-50 good and bad comments. You just don't even remember the good ones. I would say that it's 90-10 good and bad.

Really? I think so. I would love to be able to quantify. I'm not going to sit there and take the time to mark down all my feedback, but I would love to actually know the answer if it is my own perception. Maybe not 90 10 but it's it's it's a majority complimentary and supportive i think and it's just it's our fault because it's lying kevin it's lying it's lying um yeah i mean maybe we'll be just speaking our own fucking issues but i i whether or not it's uh in my head or real life real life, I would just love to either get back to, or if it was never that way, get to a level for the first time where that line that he had in his Instagram story would be like, it's crazy how much you guys want me to succeed.

I'm like, I don't feel like anybody wants me to succeed. I feel like everybody is – or the people who are – the majority of people who I hear from are hating and want me to fail. I think that's you. You're reading your mentions, not me. But I think that – yeah, maybe it's the unspoken and don't take this as like please start showering me with love. Love me, love me. I think that's more just in your head yeah i think it's i think it's a there's so many people listen to this podcast yeah right right right right that's the thing you don't need to fucking tweet me every day like hey i like the show yeah you're listening every week every episode

well that's always what's funny too about the uh the people who hate also are listening every i mean some guy came at me the other day and was like i don't know how much that happens listed he listed every thing about me you know like he was like he challenged me to rough and round he was like because you're the type of person who does this does this does that said this said that said this and i was like i don't know man you you know everything about me so you don't hate me enough to not tune in not to listen not to read not to follow i think that's an old cliche that was started with stern i don't think i think there's is one of those things there's so many options now i don't know and and maybe it's because i everything i do is based on me i'm very narcissistic um like i don't hate listen to things i'm not like i fucking hate

this show i'm gonna listen fuck these people yeah but we don't listen to anything yeah but i just think that there i think it's one of the that there are so many options now you speak you had but then how do they know everything i mean maybe maybe a handful of people do i just think that the the old adage that fans listen for five minutes haters listen for 10 i think that's that i think that was when you had six radio stations you couldn't you couldn't listen there were four talk shows you could possibly listen to right at least that was that you that would get you mad in the car or whatever i think like guys that i do consume i i look at like the people who hate and they sit there all day long listening to that guy yeah but also i mean francesa lost an app that failed miserably

it's like it's he's leaving again i don't think he's old or people don't care about him. But I think if the currency you deal in is people hate listening, I don't think you're as successful anymore. I think most of the podcasts are people enjoy listening to people because they find them friendly or they find them comforting and it's they're listening to their friends. I don't think people are tuning in being like, fuck this person, I can't wait for them to get me mad today. Well, let's hope not for me.

Let's hope that is still a thing because then our numbers will be increasingly higher. I think some people don't, maybe they don't tweet you that they like the show, but people listen because they think they're listening to their friends.

I just always get a kick out of when someone will trash but speak about something that happens at the hour and a half mark of our podcast. It's like you listen to the whole thing. Yeah. I would never do that. If I didn't like it, I'm not going to know. They can like us. It's not like that one thing, though.

Yeah, but I'm just saying it doesn't come across like, hey, man man i'm a fan like i just didn't like this one part of your show it's like vicious hate accompanied with like and then that thing that happened at like the 75 minute mark of your podcast i'm like well i don't know why you were there then because i that to me is crazy if you said like because i agree with you sitting there for if i do if i turn something on i don't like it i'm out in like a minute. You know? I think that's the way it is going with the ability

for options. Why would I listen to something that makes me mad now? People are fucking crazy too though. You know what makes me mad? What makes you mad? What's been chocolate-stuffed today. Let's talk about the most socially What's been chocolate today? Let's talk about the most socially like miscalibrated, ridiculous, over the top workplace move I've ever seen in my life.

Brought to you by Omaha Steaks. Now, you know what, Nick? I'm going to get you some Omaha Steaks. That's what I'm going to get you for the holidays. It's for both of us. Merry Christmas. I'm going to split Omaha steaks with you. If you need to get a family member or a co-worker or a producer

a nice gift, you should get them Omaha steaks because it's an incredible deal that comes with some delicious food and some extra cutlery so that you have an entire culinary experience at home. It comes with four premium pork chops, four filet mignons, four steak burgers, four potatoes all gratin, four caramel apple tartlets for dessert, the Omaha Steaks signature seasoning.

You get a six-piece cutlery set and a cutting board. All of that for $69.99. You got to use the promo code KFC. You go to omahasteaks.com, enter promo code KFC, buy the holiday package. Comes with the knives, comes with the cutting board, comes with all the meat, $69.99. Not only is it a great deal, it's also if you want to get a gift, get it for yourself and tell your mom you got it for yourself. And my mom is beyond excited that I'm cooking.

She'll give me recipes. I go to Omaha Steaks website to get some. The gift to your mother is that you are cooking. And, like, she's not, it's not like she's been paying for my meals, but she's just, like, proud that, like, wow, you're cooking. You're a real boy. Yeah. It is.

You know what I bet? I bet you at some point. It really, really changed our relationship. I bet you Polly will start sending you some Omaha Steaks, too. Yeah. Now that she knows that you're using them. It comes in a cooler box with some dry ice. You toss it in the freezer.

You got food for, I don't know, a month or a week or a couple days, depending on how hungry you are and how many guys you got eating. But all of it's just $69.99 when you go to OmahaSteaks.com and use the promo code KFC. Now, that's what I would get somebody as a nice gift, and I think they would be very happy, and I would feel very accomplished as a generous person. What did Ryan Whitney and Paul Bissonette think to do for their guys on their podcast team?

They got Grinnell a fucking Rolex and Rear Admiral $5,000 in cash. So, Nick, you will not be getting a $50,000 watch or $5,000 in cash. I'm sorry. I read your tweet. I'm sorry. I read your tweet. I'm like, I'll take a crisp high five. I mean, what the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? That's fucking.

Nick, I'll make you a promise. If I became a millionaire in professional athletics and then keep doing this podcast, Rolex for you. Yeah, but here's the thing, and I probably would do that. I can't do that I honestly believe that this is all it's it's it's Michael Scott with the iPod times a million where it's like I understand that Ryan Whitney stole 36 million dollars from the fucking from the NHL I know that biz has cash coming in hand over fist I also now know that they're making money every

fucking bottle is all of New Amsterdam but I don't i still don't know that was a realization in the car yes i was like wait a second you're getting paid you get money for this shit we're just selling boxes and shit for fucking free but even if i had all that i don't know it's it's so you're upsetting the balance of everything here because yeah it is like i know you can afford it yeah but no one else here can and so now it's awkward we are technically on the same playing right we are the hosts of a show they are the producers of a show you are now setting a precedent of what the producers expect from the host the problem is that the hosts are not millionaires you're like the first running back or running back to like buy their offensive line yeah president or the quarterback to buy the line of president they

already get a paycheck right they get millions of dollars already why would they need a fucking atv for we're all just fucking working here for a paycheck. You assholes. I mean, that was... Also, I got a pretty raw deal there. Well, I was thinking that. By the way, I can't even get two fucking Chick-fil-A sandwiches for lunch. And you gotta get a roll. You couldn't even get me fries with Jake Shack?

Couldn't even get me some fries? Would you get Grinnell a fucking... Now, here's here's the thing though i don't know much about rolexes all i do know is that they can range in price big time and if it's like a fifty thousand dollar watch yeah you got a raw deal if it's one of the lower scale though i'll take the cash yeah i'd rather five grand cash than a ten grand watch yeah like all right you're gonna go to the fucking gem saloon with your $25,000 watch? You're going to pass out on the subway like a drunk asshole because you're a frat boy and get robbed, you know?

You're going to get robbed whether you pass out or not. You're just going to get beat up. You're a little guy, Mike Grinnell. You're just going to get dummied. You're going to get punched in the face unless, once the enforcers leave, guess what? You're just a little fucking twerp in the arms of a Rolex. We should beat up Grinnell and steal his watch when they leave. We'll just throw like a blanket party and

beat him up with bars of soap and steal his watch. Biz, Uncle Biz isn't here anymore, pal. Daddy Biz went back to Canada where the fuck he's from. That is a wild move. You know who's been chicklets grew out from my Grinnell for Christmas? A fucking vegan.

Black guy. You're going to miss some chickletsnell for Christmas. A fucking black guy. You're going to miss some Chicklets yourself, bro. No fucking teeth being a podcast producer, you asshole. Jesus Christ. That was. That's an all time awkward movie. I saw people tweeting about it last night. I just didn't.

Didn't even realize that they could be like serious. And then Grinnell put up the Instagram today. Had the box and everything. And of course, you know, you're going to be super grateful and thankful in the way that you appreciate the way you show appreciation these days is by publicly uh talking about it and i'm sure those guys wanted all the credit in the world but if i ever like it's almost like you know you don't talk about salaries or bonuses or gifts or stuff like that like if we ever did ball out and give nick nick a gift if if never i think i'd be like you know

don't say anything about this i don't want anybody else knowing about this fucking rolex engraved people give don't you give rolexes when people retire from like the end of like a 50 year career i mean by the way they dug their own fucking hole what what happens next year what happens 10 years what happens 50 years i mean i think this is one this isn't like setting a precedent. This is one where it's like, we got you a Rolex. That's what you get. You think? Maybe this is.

I mean, it's not going to be another Rolex. It was a huge. I guess this is also probably. It was just the first full year of chiclets with those guys full time. They fucking exploded. They do the Amsterdam. So it was probably like, you know, the biggest year for them. But God damn you assholes. Yeah. It was a good year. It was a like the biggest year for them. But God damn, you assholes.

Yeah. It was a good year. It was a good year. Congratulations, Mike. I mean, I'll get you like a Starbucks card. You like that? That'd be great. We need to just hack a couple zeros off.

Like, all right, that was worth $50,000. I'll get you like $50 worth of something. You dick. Yeah, I mean, that's probably even. I'm not a millionaire yeah right right it's like if you let's let's if we compare bank accounts and then you know do proportionally like you'll probably get a five dollar gift yeah yeah it's honestly like what i would get just out of the goodness of my heart is probably more than what would technically be

right we'd actually be if i give nick like a hundred dollar gift card to starbucks it's probably more of a gift than it is for those assholes their fucking money shit and that's the thing though like that's where dave is smart dave's just always said like congratulations you still have a job yeah right which is a fair merry christmas i mean could you imagine if dave ever started setting that precedent like if back in the day he was giving us big baller gifts? No, I cannot. I mean, by now, what would we have? That review, I can't get enough of it.

It was so funny. He did the shrug. He was just like, I don't know. He was holding some papers in his hand. Again, if you're watching on Gold, BarstoolGold.com. He was just like, so you're signed. It's all. I was like okay cool

stood up walked out the only other time the only other job I've ever been in where I had a review was at Deloitte where it was like

the polar opposite of that where they do a one to five rating one is the best and pretty much everybody gets a three superstars get like it's almost like

you either get a one because you're a superstar or a three like twos are hard to get and you either get a one because you're a superstar or three like twos are hard to get and then like fours and fives are basically unheard of and like your boy was clocking in at four yeah and i was just like i don't know what you know they're kind of like so what do we do about this and i was just like we keep doing it until you get rid of me you know do you have the balls to fire me that's what i'm checking we can transfer you we can like put you in a new department with new people and try to find.

No, I'm good. I'm good. Just being a four. I am number four. Shout out to me. It was so funny because like, like everybody, you know, come back to the cube desk. How long was those last? Well, again, if you're like a three, it was kind of pretty quick.

But like if you're a four, like mine, mine were pretty long discussion about like how to fix this and what to do and then i had to just explain that i'm not really interested and trying to get out of there and stuff but i would go back towards the very end i was like i am moving on from this i'm not interested in like another department i am interested in like continuing to get a paycheck as long as I can. And like, you know, I was very wording it very much like that. Like I, everything short of saying,

I just need to be able to continue my benefits by getting fired. So you need to do that for me. Uh, but that was, you know, like a long, you know, like a half hour discussion or whatever.

But I would go back to my desk and like, you know, everyone's kind of whispering like, what'd you get? And you know, the one girl would be like, I got a one and they're like, Oh fuck and then everyone else is three and then i come back and i was like yeah they were like all laughing because everyone knew i wanted to get the fuck

out of there it was it was great it was a real a real trip uh but can you imagine being like someone in the cubes who've been like someone's assistant or the the equivalent of a producer and you've been doing it for 10 15 20 years and you get nothing but like a pat on the back and here comes grinnell i don't know what does he do what do you fucking guys do i don't even fucking know you get a rolex for it grinnell's gonna get jumped and it's not gonna be by like some thief looking to rob rolex it's gonna be by some disgruntled corporate America guy who's like, you got a fucking Rolex? I got kicked to the curb, you fucking assholes. You know where the

economy's at right now? Things are getting even worse for the Cube Monkeys of the world. The toilet gate is going viral. Whether or not we know it's true remains to be seen, but just when you thought things could not get worse

for the corporate creepy monkey, Toilet Gate happens. This is brought to you by SeatGeek. Maybe I'll get you tickets or something, Nick. We're just going through advertisers, being like, what would they give us for tickets? Yeah. Hey, SeatGeek, can you send me Nick's gift? That would be great.

If you do need to get your producer or assistant a gift, I suggest the gift of tickets to a live event because that gives the gift of memories and the gift of... It keeps giving. You can always fondly remember your time seeing your favorite band. Most gifts are not going to use.

No. Yeah. Do you like the gift of experiences or the gift of something tangible? Experiences. Yeah, same, the opposite. If you were going to get me expensive tickets to an event, I'd rather you get me a jacket that I really like that I'll wear for years.

No, because I have so many jackets. Tickets are – I remember vividly all the big things I've done in my life. Yeah, I guess there hasn't been many big big things, like sporting wise to go to, but I feel like the sporting wise concerts, like you like, I don't go to many concerts, but the concerts I go, I've gone to,

I have great stories from there. I think that's such a good, I've said this a million times, but I just think that's much more interesting to have. I'm like, oh, you look nice in that jacket. Like dude,

last night. And then like, that's something you can tell for after. Yeah. Well, I was going to say what I like is not the experience but the ability to talk about on a podcast right it's like you gave me 15 minutes of a segment which made my job easier so thank you for that so uh if you want to give the gift of of podcasting material or lifetime

experiences go to seek geek buy tickets to any live event could be music could be sports could be theater could be stand-up comedy. Go see Schultz's theater show. Whatever it may be, you can get it on SeatGeek right now. Download the SeatGeek app. Use the promo code KFC and get $10 off your first SeatGeek purchase. That's SeatGeek, promo code KFC for $10 off. So this tweet went viral, and it's from an actor or some shit.

So we really don't know the validity of this or if it's happening or where this graphic came from. But long story short, the idea is that corporate America is going to change the angle of the toilet so that it's slightly downward so that you can't sit comfortably and have a extended bathroom break when you're dumping to To the point, they said it would be unbearable to sit there for longer than five minutes. Yeah. Guess what, dude? Try me. Try me! Fucking try.

I'll use this toilet. I am John Henry. I'll be the John Henry of this fucking toilet. People will be out there cheering. I don't even shit at work. I'll sit on the toilet at work, though. You ever see the scene in old school when Vince Vaughn's on the rings and he's smoking a cigarette and he's holding himself up?

That'll be John on the toilet at work. I'll be there fucking quads are burning, legs are shaking. Watch me. Watch me hide from my responsibility. I said the only way that you could stop a cube monkey or anybody at any job from hiding in the bathroom would be, and this is only a maybe, is if you put those spikes that they put on the windowsills so the pigeons don't land outside your building. If you armor that seat with fucking spikes, maybe I won't sit in on it for the rest of my time. I'd still bring in two fucking phone books.

Yeah, I'm finding a way. Or you know what's next? Like, I'll just stand in the stall. I'll put my pants around my ankles and I will stand there on my phone. I will find a way to kill 20 minutes in the bathroom in the middle of my miserable workday no matter what fucking angle the toilet is at. Dude, I've been my whole life a lifer on the toilet to the point where in my house when I was growing up, we added an intercom to the

bathroom because guess who fucking phone or like a button no like a button in your mouth like we have it would be the front roll-ups it was it was my mom was one who added it wasn't like i it would just be like find out where john is and it was like oh we like an intercom system like in the house yeah like in the bedrooms like who's there and it would be like that's dope by the way i would never have i in my room and like the tv room i would use it for snacks but did you ever have did you ever have those dumb waiter things no we had no i feel like you'd have a house with one of those no but you did have a staircase for the help right we had a back staircase but it wasn't for the help it was for the college It was a back staircase. You didn't use it for the help, but somebody once did. So she would just buzz in and be like, John, are you pooping?

It would be like, where are you? It was like, John Henry, where are you? So we'd go through all of them. Got it. In the bathroom, about to jump in the shower, and I would just sit there for another hour. How old are we talking? To this day, if I go home, I am very much the kid in Christmas Story. That's probably where I learned it.

We watched the Christmas Story every Christmas, and it was like, the only place a man could find peace or whatever. I was like a six-year-old veteran. That's my happy place. It's true to this day. I remember, especially once I had kids kids once things were bad at home i was like the only place that like she'll leave me alone for a little bit is in the fucking bathroom it's the best place to go i would like it was like a no like family joke like john takes two

hours in the bathroom every day like i would stay on the toilet for as long as possible and then i would take a shower for as long as possible yeah oh i love a good long shower it was just that's where i used to get in trouble. That's when I knew like the very, very end too. It was like, I literally, you know, like the phrase like, yeah, I can't even take a shit in peace without you. It was like that. It was like, what are you doing? It's like, I'm pooping.

I'm moving battles. Yeah. Right. And like, why, why was the shower so long? Cause I was jerking off. Okay. I'm hanging out in there. I'm having a party.

Leave me alone. I don't understand why people don't do it. I love, I bring my laptop to the bathroom. I bring everything. That's why I've always said the one thing I'm having a party. Leave me alone. I don't understand why people don't do it. I love it. I bring my laptop to the bathroom. I bring everything. That's why I've always said the one thing I want to trick out is my bathroom. I don't need to like. I don't want to trick it out. I like it how it is.

I want a TV. I want music. I want it all. No, I don't want to make it special. I like it like that. It already is special. But I mean, you bring your laptop. Why don't you just like have it on the, like in there already, basically.

You could have it all there for you, wouldn't you rather that? It's different. I don't know. It's something, it's nostalgia, really. Keep it old school. I used to bring one of those people in a Starbucks who would bring a full fucking desktop in there.

And the whole shebang in there. It's part of the process. Were you young enough or old enough or whatever to did you ever just like read like were you ever in the bathroom

like pre-phone oh yeah would you I would just like read the back of like the Lysol fucking I did that bottle

I'd read the the toilet paper box like you know the ingredients in this and the whatever I was a big Rolling Stone guy you would read in magazines see I would read

I never had magazines in there but I would just read stuff I'd read the warning label on the back of this pills like whatever i would anything i could read get my hands on in there no my dad was a big fan of rolling stone magazine so it was like i would just take them from his bathroom and i would read like six months old rolling stones i'm i'm actually not like a i'm a quick shitter i'm in and out i don't i don't take my time oh i shower is a different story my stomach is a disaster i don't know what's wrong with me.

We know. Your whole body is a catastrophe. Once a month, maybe I have a good BM. And then after that, it's just like it's a fucking war of attrition. We're going. We're going. I'll sit here all fucking

day. I don't care. We're pooping tonight. That's probably why it started. I don't know fucking day. I don't care. We're pooping tonight. That's probably why it started. God damn it. I don't know, man. I don't know why that's wrong with me. But yeah, that's how it would go. So no matter what fucking angle the bathroom's at and the toilet's at. I'll be there.

Your boy's going to be there. And especially at work, man. You think that people are... It's not like the toilet was comfortable. It's not like people are like, oh, I can't wait to sit on the toilet. Your legs go numb to sit on the toilet like you know your knee your legs go numb you get the you get the there's nothing more embarrassing than when you come out of the bathroom you have the red spot on your face because you're holding your cheek like this oh i haven't done that not a long time yeah you get a red spot on your i get oh i get the knee and you get a red spot on your face you're like oh shit

my fucking 25 minutes my quad muscles are like a like a rug that a couch has been on for six years straight or six years yeah i just have two holes in my knees it's just from fucking and but again that has nothing to do with the toilet being perfectly symmetrically flat doesn't matter no you could you could give me the old like chinese like where they just put a hole in the floor i'll sit on the fucking ground i'm killing time at work fuck you it is such a weird thing too because like you couldn't if you made the toilet

more comfortable that would make me stay less except that this is weird yeah then it feels like you're just like sitting this isn't this is

you know how like those like old people kind of had those toilets where it was like a cushioned seat yep I don't sit on cushions I once had

my family once had a like a rug on the toilet yeah which when I was I was like young I don't sit on cushions my family once had a like a rug on the toilet yeah which when i was i was like young um i don't have my name i was like pissing on a rug that's crazy it was crazy yeah i mean we got it was like we bought the house and it was like that we eventually like replaced it but in the beginning i was like pissing on a toilet rug it was a white porcelain is yeah the only that's it i don't want to code anything you do anything but hit me with white porcelain i'll be in and out yeah that's home yeah that's where i'm like would you do like a heated toilet seat no like do you remember that that toilet seat in dave's uh master bedroom in

the super bowl house it had like a bidet it had air blowing it had water it had like heat the whole it was like yeah just like a white fucking because that that just makes you think of all the other people who are using these amenities yeah a white porcelain just like this is fucking throne. Because that just makes you think of all the other people who are using these amenities. A white porcelain is just like, this is it. It's a level playing field for everybody. This is like some people are squirting water up their ass on this thing. I know, like butt cheeks are all over it because everyone's sitting there for days. No, I want a straight toilet.

In fact, if you made it more uncomfortable, I'd probably like that more because people would be using it less and it's more of my toilet. Yeah, I feel that. If you want to make it 13% angle, fine. Right, I'll probably like that more because people would be using it less and it's more of my toilet. Yeah, I feel that. If you want to make it 13% angle, fine. I'll figure out a way. If everyone else is only doing a minute in there, that's fine. More toilet for me. Fuck you, toilet gate.

Alright, one more segment here before we get into our voicemails for the day. Our last segment before that is brought to you by Thursday Boots. Thursday Boots are the most comfortable, affordable, high quality, handcrafted boots sold at honest prices over at ThursdayBoots.com. So go get yours for the rest of the winter, even into the early spring, because honestly in New York City you can wear boots like 90% of the year at this point.

I mean, boots are fashionable. They're always fashionable. So go to ThursdayBoots.com. Get yourself a pair right now. Very funny, relatable, celebrities, they're just like us moment. It was. This was the most celebrities, they're just like us moment I've ever seen in my life. It might be the actual, like, only true one. Yeah. Most of the time, celebrities just like us is like a picture of them walking to their car.

It's like, well, yes, celebrities eventually walk to their car. This is like, wow, celebrities actually have stupid, petty fights with their significant other over silly things. And it just lets you know that money, while a huge difference maker in this world, and fame, hard to relate to that even they are going through the same stupid shit as you. And I'm talking about the queen of all this shit always chrissy teigen her and john legend got in a fight a public public fight on instagram over something that i think every married man and woman has gone through it's just on a different scale based on who they're talking about and what they're doing now john legend is a host on the voice which i feel like at this point by the way it's like if you're not a host to the voice at some point you're like a bum like everybody who's ever had like a single ever is on the voice uh so they wrapped up their season finale and they and john legend invited them

over to his house to her his and chrissy tegan's house and just tossed chrissy a text saying like hey uh gwen stefani blake shelton kelly Shelton, Kelly Clarkson, and you know, Carson Daly, or whoever the fucking host is. They're all coming over for dinner. And Chrissy Teigen says, I didn't know the voice. I didn't know tonight was the voice finale. John invited everyone to dinner at the house after. And I'm really fucking mad because I didn't have a fucking finale meal. I would have gotten a cake or something too.

Who the fuck does this? You don't win the voice and then eat short ribs. So then she says, it sounds dumb, yes, but this is very John. Again, this is public. These are just tweets. It's not like a DM that leaked.

I know it sounds dumb, yes, but this is very John. I'm always in charge of doing the fun extra shit and he has no idea how much I plan normally and he's like, quote, no, it sounds dumb, yes, but this is very John. I'm always in charge of doing the fun extra shit, and he has no idea how much I plan normally. And he's like, quote, no, it's fine. They just want to have dinner. But it's literally the finale of their show? Question mark, question mark, question mark.

And I have no ice cream truck. If you think this is stupid, go ahead and tell me what you made when Blake Kelly and Gwen came over to your house. That's such an awesome statement. That's such a great line. And I will fully admit that that is you know, we're not talking about just having Joe Schmo and

Susie Q over your house for a quick dinner. But aside from that caveat that I will give her, I am fully Team John Legend on this one. Because then she puts out some of the texts between it. So she says, LOL, I'm serious and I, uh, she puts out some of the texts between it. So she says,

LOL, I'm serious. And I'm, I'm serious. I'm laughing, but I'm fucking pissed. And the text messages said, um,

she said to him, why wouldn't you plan something? I cannot plan every fun, every fun thing in your life for you. And he says, they want to come over and have dinner with us. They don't expect us to entertain, to entertain them with something elaborate.

And she says, no one is going to want to come and sit and have dinner. They don't expect us to entertain them with something elaborate. And she says, no one is going to want to come and sit and have dinner. We don't have a cake or anything. This is why you aren't good at anything. John Legend's an EGOT winner. I know, I know. He's arguably the most good at

everything in the world. Here's the deal. I am fully on his side. I am John Legend which is why I'm fully on her side. everything in the world. Here's the deal. I'm fully on his side. I am John Legend, which is why I'm fully on her side. Because I would be like, dude, we just got some beers.

But people aren't like that. People aren't like us. They are. No, they're not. Also, when you say Blake, Glenn, and Kelly, it's a big deal to us. To them, they're on that level they're all just friends yeah i but like if i if i also it's not it's not tuesday night i think it's different if it's tuesday night fine if it's tuesday night and you just wrapped your nationally

broadcast show but i mean that's like no like that would be like you know that's their job they've they've been on the voice for like 20 seasons yeah but like at the end of the years it's it's we've've had Christmas for 30 years We're having our Christmas party tonight Yeah but it's not a I also don't think it was that if it was like I think that he That's how I would do

I'd invite them I'd forget to tell her So do you think he like promised a party I think he was like Two weeks out I bet he's like yeah come to my house afterwards like love okay level dinner yeah that that is a little different didn't tell her and then they're expecting like maybe not like a crazy party but like something okay john told me about this two weeks ago i'm sure there's something that's happening right now you get there it's like chrissy teigen in the bathroom being like what the fuck are you guys doing here but it if that was how it was built up i can understand understand that. If there was any, and I feel like that wives and women do this in general,

if there was any vibe of like, it wasn't a big plan, and it was like, hey, what should we do now? And he was like, do you want to just come over and we can hang out in the grotto or wherever the fuck they have in their mansion?

And everyone in the crew was like, yeah, sure, sounds good. Then you don't have to make it a big production. Every time we planned something in my house when I was married, it was my family coming over. And it would be an event. It would be like Easter.

It's like an event, but it's not huge. And I was like, my family just wants to come for lunch. We can get cold cuts and make sandwiches. Nope. Nope. We're getting a fucking antipas spread. We're getting catered. We got to get out the tablecloths and the dishes. By the end of it, it was like, if I had people over my house it was like a thousand dollars every time and i was just like

it's just my my family's coming over or my friends are coming over like i can get a 30 rack of bud light and some red wine and we're good and instead it was always like no we're hosting we have to make it into an event and that's where i when john legend was like they don't need something elaborate they just want to come over and hang out i mean i think i have sent that exact text before where it's like not everything needs to be what you think it needs to be yeah but i also think that like if i went to your house and like if you had like beers are fine but i get to the house and it's just like you want a glass of water what the fuck am i doing here yeah i mean but right but like i got glasses of water at home but that's where you know so he was probably like i don't know fire up the grill

like they're gonna come over and have like barbecue if i did that for you would you be like well where is the fucking you know cater no but i always think i i think of i would probably make fun of you if i if you got over and it was like if it was like you sent that at night, she was in her bathrobe, and she didn't have time to go get stuff or whatever. It's just like whatever's in the house, and it's like, we got a burger and a half and two dogs. I'd be like – I wouldn't actually be mad, but I'd make fun of you for everything. Well, this is the Uncle Chaps nacho story. So when Chaps invited all the guys in Houston, were they there for the Final Four or something like that? Yeah, I think so.

And he was like, come on over to my house, and everyone was waiting for dinner, and there just was no dinner. He just served them nachos. Yeah, I'd be like, what the fuck? And everybody... Remember when you dragged me out to your house for no fucking reason and didn't have anything ready?

Would you like... But that also... But that to me was like, Chaps invited them basically for dinner, and then just didn't give them dinner. Versus like, if Chaps said like, come on over, hang out, we're like, well, you know, we'll have some fucking nachos and watch the game. chaps invited them like basically for dinner and then just didn't give them dinner versus like if chaps said like come on over hang out we're like well like you know well i'm some fucking nachos and watch the game i wouldn't expect anything it all depends on what john legend said to gwen

stefani kelly clarkson and blake shelton that that discussion is what we need to know before we can judge but i am willing to bet that every time john legend says like hey let's hang out that chrissy tegan's like we need an ice cream truck and it's like you don't you don't need an ice cream truck and you don't need a cake and you don't need a full scale production i know she like she's a chef and she has books and all that shit so she probably takes it all very seriously and sometimes i think it's probably like i don't know blake shelton wants to just like drink whiskey and like the girls just want to come hang out and like whatever i'm i'm part i see both sides of this because like i i want to show people a good time.

I think Chrissy – I mean Chrissy has cooking books and stuff like that. Like I have – my mother is – my mother is both in fact. It's weird. She is very much like I want to be nice but also like I don't give a fuck if you don't like it or not. I can't imagine Polly ever being like, oh my god, I'm so sorry you don't like my cooking. But like I have an aunt who had a catering company and like when we have dinner at her house for Christmas Eve, it's like a fucking huge thing. And it is our house too, but it's just my mom. I don't know.

I guess my mom is kind of the same way. It's a big deal when things happen. I think it's, you know, I think women who have a family. When you have a family and you feel like the matriarch or you're putting on a show, they definitely feel like it's a big deal. Not only is she a matriarch in that sense i mean she's a celebrity she's a celeb but and not just a celebrity she's like part of her celebrity is her cooking and her party right like that's like homemaker type shit when you're doing

chrissy teigen so that's true too it's like i not only do i want to show them a good time i have a brand to protect but so that's like that's more what's going on here then that's fine if there was a follow-up text that was like, John, people can't see me like just giving them fucking hot dogs on the grill. I have to ball out for them because that's my brand. I think that's a different excuse than like you don't tell me these things. But her brand is also like I don't give a – her brand is also – she's almost poly-esque, but her brand is also like my brand is this.

And if you don't like it, go fuck yourself. But also go fuck yourself. I also think that I – again, you have to know the dynamic between the group like if if i invited like you nick bren fucking you know yp uh you know keith over i could be like i don't fuck you guys like i'm not sure about keith yeah yeah not you're right yeah keith's out i was thinking more like like you know we've known each other for so long time keith would definitely be judgy yeah but you know what i'm saying if i brought you guys over and i was just like uh you know, here's fucking Conqueso and watching the game and I don't fucking care, guys.

But if Dave comes or something like that, I feel like, all right, I got to like put on a show for him. Yeah. So maybe, maybe Blake, maybe Chrissy Teigen's like, Gwen Stefani is like the gossipiest bitch in the world. And if she sees that I didn't have an ice cream truck for her, it's going to be on fucking People Magazine tomorrow. Okay. like the gossipiest bitch in the world and if she sees that i didn't have an ice cream truck for her it's gonna be on fucking people magazine tomorrow okay so i guess you can't you don't know the full dynamic of that whole world but i think that the the story here is like i i i had that conversation

the same one that these like billionaire superstars are having i think it's pretty universal that guys will be like it's not a big deal and girls will be like yes it is it's pretty universal that guys will be like, it's not a big deal. And girls will be like, yes, it is. It's, I think about hosting. I think even guys refuse to admit that like, they'd be bitchy if we got there and there was nothing. Yeah. Again, there has to be a certain level of hosting going on,

but as long as that's met, I don't think everything needs to be, especially in LA. Like I bet they live in the Hills. Like, but that's what I drove an hour and 45 minutes to get here, but I don't think everything needs to be. Especially in L.A. I bet they live in the hills. I drove an hour and 45 minutes to get here, and you don't have fucking shit for me from there? I bet you that on deck Chrissy Teigen can put together a 9 out of 10, and that when she goes overboard is when she really goes into it.

It's a 10 out of 10. But I bet you there's the house that they always had a stocked pantry and all the snacks and all the food and all that. I mean, that's her house. She's fucking ready to go at all times. I think so. You're probably right. But also, I don't have an ice cream shop.

It's a lot of fucking stress there. Yeah. Hosting is stressful. Oh, it's the worst. This weekend, I'm having all my friends at my house. We're doing our vineyard weekend. And I'm not stressed, but I want to make sure they have fun. I'm trying to track when restaurants are open.

The worst. That's just part of hosting, but it's fucking stressful. It's always between... Like I said, every time we hosted, it was like $1,000. But then I was like, I didn't have to travel.

As soon as people are gone, I'm in my sweatpants. I was on my home turf it was my music my tv my all that it's always a trade-off between like do you want to be on the road do you want to be uncomfortable in someone else's house or do you want to have the stress of putting on like a big display i i would be uh yeah i mean i guess if i were to host now you guys would be like what the fuck is this you? So I did take for granted how if I were to host back then, it would be like, oh, that was nice. But I would be like, yeah, well, of course it was nice. It cost me a week's paycheck.

Either way, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend having that fight for the internet is just hilarious. It was a burning fight, too, because then they were just laughing about the cakes. It's nice to, you know, it took full circles, a nice little journey. At parts of it last night, I was like Jesse Pinkman with the water. And then it was like it ends with him being like, look. He's like, you got naked cakes. He's like, you're going to be writing on your cake because he ordered one too. She ordered five and he ordered one.

No writing. Congratulations on the finale or whatever. He's like, no writing on yours. I do think – she keeps reiterating it's the finale of their show. I just don't know writing on yours. I do think, you know, she keeps reiterating it's the finale of their show. And I just don't know if that's a big deal. That's a big deal. Every year?

You think it's a big deal? Yes, absolutely. You think Blake Shelton really cares that he's on like season 12 of The Voice? Yeah, I don't think it's like a huge deal, but it's like, okay, I'm done work for the year. It's not time to go do something. Yeah, that job is wrapped for the year.

The finality of things is always worth being like, okay, that's cool. It's done. What are we going to do? I still firmly believe that we should have always had seasons for the podcast. We should have always had premieres and wraps take a couple weeks off and then

restart it. Yeah, not going to happen. Why not? That's how podcasts work. Why not? It does not. I think we can just do that. I mean, I'm sure we can do it. Just make less money. No, I think we can make more money. Because I think you could sell finales and

premieres at a higher rate. We gotta talk to sales about that one. Wouldn't that be cool if it was like, you know, the season finale of Caterina's coming up and it's like, what's gonna happen? No, I like doing the... I like being the standard where i'm always gonna be there every tuesday yeah that's the the comfort is there i just feel like it would be a better product if we didn't have to do it every fucking week all the fucking

time voicemail vacation huh big time big time big fucking time dude but then i go to like my back to my like regular life and i'm like, I got to get the fuck away from this. Get me back to work. So I just need a new life. CBDMD brings you today's voicemails. The holiday shopping season is wrapping up, which means it's running out of time to get your last-minute gifts. And what better stocking stuffer or last-minute little throw-in or extra you know main prize to be honest better than CBD CBDMD has you covered with everything you need to relax

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you'll be there for hours. Yeah. So CBD, MD.com promo code KFC, get 25% off your purchase of high quality CBD oil products. What's up guys. Um, I have a, would you rather for you?

Um, you know, the Tuckergar family like the 19 kids accounting and all their names start with jay and they're fucking crazy people would you rather have to fight them to the death in order from youngest to oldest or oldest to youngest so let me know thanks is this like going viral this is the question i said the other day yeah somebody tweeted me this you think it's the same person or you think this is going around? Somebody had tweeted me this question. So either it's the same person or the internet's buzzing about this.

I think this is a great question. The only problem is I don't really know the Duggar family that well. So I was trying to come up with another family like the Kardashians or someone else. Fighting a family, which age direction you go is a very funny thought like bring out the babies let me kill them first or do you want to finish on the babies uh i take the babies first i mean it just makes no i think that doesn't make sense well you want you want to tune up you want to get into it i mean also i'm not gonna get tired killing babies i'll kill babies all day i think you want to be totally fresh for the adults. I mean, I'm not

going to be using much energy to kill babies. No, but you'll be, you know, by the time you start to fight like a pre-teen, then... Not much energy. And you got to fight a teenager, then you got to fight a 20-something-year-old. By the time you get to the old man who has old man strength and

dad rage of raising like 17 kids, you will have fought like like, three or four grown men. What about the old people first? Like, if you're fighting grandfathers, they're fucking... It's harder to fight a grandfather than to fight a kid. Oh, well, I got to know, then. Who's the oldest? The oldest...

I was thinking of a dad as the oldest. The dad is 31. Oh, so you're fighting... See, here's the problem. I don't know the Duggar family. So you're fighting all kids. Yeah. I'll take that. No problem. 31? No, no, it's a lot of, like you're fighting. See, here's the problem. I don't know the Duggar family. So you're fighting all kids. Yeah. I'll take that.

No problem. 31? No, no. It's a lot of older teenagers. Can you give me the ages here? Like the range? We got from 10 to 31. Okay.

How many in there? 19. Holy shit. What the fuck is this family? Wait, how is that even possible? So he started having kids at like 21. If he has a 10-year-old. And he squeezed out.

Well, 10's his youngest. So he stopped having kids at 21. Right. That can't be true. That just can't be right. There's got to be like different parents here or something yeah right it has to i mean if you started having kids at like 16 and you were just churning them out till you're 31 that's not how having kids at 16 works yeah that's a whoopsies

right that's not let's keep doing these and i mean you know there's just a physical there's nine months in between each you know like you can't you can't get pregnant right away immediately after you have a kid so you got to wait a little bit that poor woman has just been a literal baby factory her body is just used just simply for making new toys what's what's the name of their show 19 and counting yeah my mom whenever whenever i can that's still a show i think so whenever i complain about being like overwhelmed with with father, my mom's always like, watch 19 and counting. Oh, no, what's the other one called?

You and me plus something. I don't know. There's these families that are just crazy where it's like, I don't have sympathy for these people. No. You did this to your fucking self. Don't have 19 kids. You can stop having kids anytime.

We're not like in the colonial America where you need farm hands. You just got to churn kids out so that you can like make a harvest. Kids are nothing other than a burden. I really don't understand how people have more than a couple. If I were to have three or four, like I would be – you have to be a millionaire. It's crazy. Literal millionaire. Just to have them survive.

Like a baby. You just keep hunting babies. That's easy. I guess there aren't any babies here. But I think at any time... I also got to think, you got to think of the... You got to be pretty bloodthirsty

to kill a 10-year-old. Beat the shit out of a 10-year-old. Do you think you would come in cold with that? Just strangle him. I feel like I would need... I feel like I would be more inclined to be like, all right, this 31-year-old man is coming at me. I gotta defend

myself. And then by the end, I'm in a bloodthirsty rage where it's like, and now I'll kill your 10-year-old. If a 10-year-old just walks out and they're like, go, kill him, I think I'd be like, wait, what? What am I supposed to do here? By the time, if I've fought 18 other people, and then there's a 10-year-old, I'm like, well, listen, bro. You're the last one on the list.

The dad is actually, he wasn't on this list. That's the oldest kid is 31. That makes more list. The dad is actually, he wasn't on this list. That's the oldest kid is 31. That makes more sense. The dad is 54. Right. Mom is 53. Okay. I think fighting a 54-year-old man who I'm imagining is in decent shape, right?

He's not like a fatso. A 54-year-old man who has 19 kids. I mean, that guy is looking to murder someone. It's a miracle he hasn't murdered one of them. If 31 is the oldest child, then yeah, that's a lot of fighting to have to start. But I don't know.

I think I'd rather start early still. Warm it up. If you start with a dad, you've got to fight a 54-year-old. As soon as you're done, which like I said, is going to be a battle because you're fighting dad rage of a man who sired 19 kids. The next thing you've got is a 31-year-old in shape. I think he's easier. I think that dude's just out of testosterone.

There's nothing left in him. He's been zapped. I don't know how that works. You're right. I mean, just beating up his empty ball bag. I do think that there's a chance that that guy has just been like, he's going to take out 20 years of frustration on you. I'm trying to find this guy.

Duggar father? Like, to me, also, didn't one of these guys catch, like, a case? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wait, Jimmy Lee Duggar is the 54-year-old? Yeah, Jim Bob Duggar. Oh, Jim Bob. I have Jimmy Lee.

That's his dad uh okay hang on so like yeah that guy's like a creepy like scumbag you know maybe kind of a weak male who needed to resort to like scummy shit i don't know it's a different story oh i'll put this dude in a fucking world of hurt let me see this guy's got no chance he does look particularly like this fucking inbred idiot I'll run his show this is no problem

let's find out his size I don't even care what his size is because he's soft as a fucking marshmallow I'll start with him I'll end with him he can come and he can come help his fucking kid i don't give a shit i'll fucking kill this guy jim bob duggar look at this fucking idiot no chance he doesn't have a fucking prayer i'll tell you that

i'm trying to i'm trying to find his fucking size. Too scared to even have his fucking attributes listed. I'm looking for this reality star like he's a professional athlete. What's he benching? What's he benching? Licensed realtor. Get out of town, Jim Bob. I'll fucking kill you and bury you in the foundation of a house. I'll go fucking whitey bulger with you and your whole fucking bloodline dude

i don't give a shit about you this guy fucking a i don't i don't care about you bob dougar joshua james you can catch hands jana marie done john david peace jill michelle fucking dead jessa lauren look at jinger nicole uh real borderline name there you're gonna kill this whole family look at how many there are that's fucking insane you're gonna kill all those people like i don't doubt your ability with a smile on my face kevin i don't doubt your ability to beat the shit out of that guy i think he's like a molester too i think he's a bad it was like one i think it was one of the kids did something. I don't know. They're also,

well, so fucking blurred. I don't know who's a kid who was an adult. That's also what you got to do is like, it's, it's, we can do the age order thing, but you also should have like the,

the real thing you want to pick is where at your peak, where do you think you'll be at your peak? And you got to put the molester gate in there. You know, like I'm tuned up, I'm ready to go, but I'm not not tired yet so this is going to be my peak of blood thirstiness bring out the molester let me fucking murder that guy and bury him in a house most of them most of my pie just strangled to death with my bare hands take it easy but then after that like yeah a couple of them could catch a bludgeoning oh man that's just so many.

I mean, my biggest problem would be I'd just be like, I'm tired. It's like, yeah, I can beat you up, little girl, but I'm just fucking gassed, okay? I'm going to go back to watching TV. I just beat up your six sisters. Fucking tired, all right? My knuckles are bleeding. My fucking back hurts. I just want to go back to Netflix.

Shit. Most of it's like you just pick up and throw out a window real quick. It's not hard. That takes two seconds. You need to fight them in like the pit in Mortal Kombat where you can just throw people off the balcony. Yeah, yeah. At any given minute, someone's just getting impaled by a spike at the bottom of the pit. Duggar family versus Feidelberg.

Fight. Fatality. Feidelberg's ripping fucking spines out of their mouth and shit, setting them on fire. Man on fire over here. Jesus Christ. Next voicemail. What's up, KFC?

Fight Super. Producer BC. So I work on a movie set, and me and a bunch of other guys on the crew were hanging around, and we came up with a question or a game we were playing. And the question was, if you could take any movie or TV show and replace everyone with Muppets except for one character, so one character would be a human on the movie or TV show. Which movie are you doing it to? And which character are you keeping a human?

And which are the ones that you are turning to Muppets? I have a take. I don't like the Muppets. I hate the Muppets. I don't really have an opinion on them. I don't really. I think the Muppets are fucking terrible. Like as a kid, fine.

Kermit, whatever. I think they're real problematic. Yeah, real problematic yeah are they i mean miss piggy was a domestic abuser she is she that i mean that if you find yourself in a relationship with a miss piggy you need to run because that's abuse hey fat pig i mean that that that just kind of got like that pig you're lucky you're lucky to be catching that green dick and you're just beating this guy around i mean i'm pretty sure she raped him like all the time she wanted to fuck right wasn't that the thing she was always stealing kisses yeah she always wanted to get that dick and i think eventually he was like i'm tired of fucking you fat pig and then she would beat him up when he didn't yeah i mean that that got brushed under the rug it's just like oh like men and women like ah silly like you know that's what that's what it's like no that abuse. That's fucking abuse. That's the definition of abuse right there.

I don't know, like Fozzie Bear and Animal and all that. That's Muppets, right? We've had a couple of famous gals get away with some shit. Remember Ronda Rousey? Beat the shit out of her boyfriend or husband? I didn't know that. Yeah, beat the shit out of him because he was cheating on her. And people were like, yes, queen.

I'm like, no, that's not how it works. See, that works. That's a little fighter. Yeah. That's not how it works. Imagine when she walked into the house and she's like, yes, queen. I'm like, no, that's not how it works. See, that's a professional fighter. Yeah. Like, that's not how it works. Imagine when she walked into the house, and she's like, I saw your text to Tammy, and then locks the door behind her.

Breaks his arm. And it's like, ah, no! Yeah, it's like, you know, sometimes you slap him around, other times you put him in an arm bar and break his bones. That's the, uh... Well, he didn't tap out.

He was cheating. He didn't tap, so I broke his fucking neck. Cardi B was, like, poisoning dudes and robbing them and, like, maybe sexually assaulting them. that i feel like is a little bit different because like listen if you're hiring hookers in the streets in the hood like buyer beware in my mind doesn't matter you still did it yeah definitely but i also i'm just not gonna i'm not gonna cry over those guys i i yeah i think it's i'm not crying over them but it's also

it's just what you know you understand. They're double standards. Women can raise you. If a guy did that, if a guy ever took a girl on a date, tied her up, drugged her, and robbed her, you're going to jail for life. Well, you might be in the hood. What did you expect? Yeah, yeah. You're going to jail for life. That's not an okay thing to do.

And you're certainly losing your career, and you're not the media darling anymore. But Cardi B, it's like, oh, you're so crazy. Yeah. So I don't give a fuck about making a movie into a Mppet i don't want to do this any movie i hate the muppets well uh the first thing came to mind is it's kind of cheating was 30 rock and jack donaghy stays but like that's kind of cheating because like they're all muppets already like everyone on that show is muppet-esque liz levin tracy morgan jenna they're all the caricature of human life. Fucking Kenneth.

Like Kenneth is the most Muppet of them all. They're all Muppety and Jack Donaghy. I think you got to have the straight man. The straight man plays the Muppet. I would like. The straight man stays straight. I would like some sort of show with Bill Burr being the human and a bunch of Muppets. I think Bill Burr like flipping out on Muppets would be funny.

The fuck is wrong with you guys? I loved him in Mandalorian with Bill Burr. It's just Bill Burr in the Star Wars universe. I've never seen that episode. It's, you know, it's nothing crazy, but it's just like he's a fucking, he has two guns and he has a gun that comes out of his back like a, like a backpack

and he's just like shooting fucking, he's talking about Imperial Stormtroopers and she's just, oh, two worlds I just never saw colliding,

ever. He said as much in his interview, like, I used to make fun of him, I used to think he was nerdy, I didn't get it and then he's like

a feature of one of the biggest episodes of the biggest series out there right now. Yeah, I'll do that. Bill Burr, because I think he would be strangling Muppets and ripping their fucking noses off and shit like that. So, Bill,

there's a free idea for you. Go do a Muppet show. What's going on, boys? It's just in here right now. Lil High watching out of the stand lot, and I just wanted to get your take on something. Would you rather be a hero or a legend? Like, for example, would you rather be someone like Aaron Boone,

who has that one big moment with the home run in the ALCS, or someone like Albert Pujols, who has, like, prolonged success? Figured one takes a lot less effort than the other, and can get remembered just the same. I want to get your take on it. I mean, are we removing money? Yeah. Yeah, because, I mean, obviously i'll take the 300 million dollar contract that our pools is still sitting on by the way that no contract has been longer worse and seemingly like slowed down i'm like he can't still be on that right and not only is he on it he has like five years left

does he really i think i don't know about five but i think there's like several left. That's crazy. I mean, that was a product of I think he was older than he was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like you thought you were getting through his age, you know, 38 season. You're actually getting it through like age like 44. He signed a 10-year deal. When did it start, though? Next year, he's going to make $29 million Jesus Christ

I think the most David Ortiz has ever made is like $16 million I could be wrong he's almost done so he has next year the following year and then he's out 2022 he'll be a free agent he did a 10 year contract in the year 2012

so many years so many years I think probably boone just is that really well then you you don't have it's kind of one of those things it's like you know you you either die a hero live to become a villain and like who else is a villain now he's i mean he was like in my mind when i remember watching him when he was a rookie again the problem was we thought he was like 19 he was probably like 24 when he came in second in the mvp voting to barry bonds and it was like well if he wasn't playing in front of an immortal right now this guy would have been a rookie mvp like awesome a couple years into his career it was like he will break the homer record

yeah he will he's gonna hit 40 a year forever like he's gonna do it and it's just crazy to show like what barry bonds did even with steroids what hank aaron did uh you know clean like to to hit that many home runs and have that long of a career is crazy even the guys who look like they were gonna shatter it he was like mike trout it was like like everyone's like mike trout's the best ever imagine if my truck just falls off drastically all of a sudden that's what happened my child's numbers are the same as frank thomas's i know i know that's crazy too. But they had, speaking of Bonds, Paul LaDuca had that retweet last night.

It was like LaDuca was catching and it was Eric Gagne versus Barry Bonds. They were both juiced out of their fucking minds. I don't care about that at all. But Bonds pulls by a lot. A lot, 101-mile-an-hour fastball.

Hits it 700 feet. Foul. Foul, but like really foul. Way ahead of it. It's 101. And two pitches later, took him deep to dead center. But it was like, what he could do. By pulling 100. later took him dead deep to dead center but it was like so what he could do by pulling a hundred

and oh he pulls that 101 mile an hour 101 mile an hour fastball very foul and like do you understand what you just said and that's to be honest like that's where i don't think that's like steroids no like that's the guy with just like the quickest bat speed and the reflexes and the eye for it like yeah you know being able to put it 700 feet and, you know, the way he worked out and recovered and all that sort of stuff. Him swinging that bat on 101-mile-an-hour fastball was just pure baseball skill. I feel like me personally, I would do,

I would take the Aaron Boone because I think I would do what Aaron Boone did. Like, I would snake it till you make it. You give me a moment like that, I'll find a way to be the next manager. I'll find a way to be the GM. I'll find a way to be the next manager. I'll find a way to be the GM. I'll find a way to be at Old Timers Day every day. I'll get into the booth.

I'll work a whole career. And that's what Aaron Boone did do with Baseball Tonight and everything. So props to him, one of the ultimate mail-time snakes. I think you can do more having one moment versus... Well, it's got to be a moment like that. I don't want to feel like I threw a no-hitter. It's got to be a Robert Ori type of shot,

Aaron Boone type of home run. Dave Roberts. Dave Roberts is probably the lowest. Can you think of a lower individual act? Circumstance is incredible, but he stole the base stole the base

like a home run didn't even get off base stole the base just walked ran stole the base and like will forever be you know

eat dinner for free in Boston forever from stealing a base it's crazy it's pretty good that's so much better I still think that's like

as I diminish it in one breath like to not get picked off, to when the whole world knows you're going, and, like, you still made it. It's like, you know. He threw over a couple times, so, like, you could have got got,

and then you go, and it was a good pitch to throw on, and just did it. You fast motherfucker. Unreal. All right, one more. So, KFC5, Super Producer BC, I got a question for you. I'm not sure if you've answered this one before,

but I'm just kind of curious what your take on it is. My roommate asked me and my other roommates today if you could kill yourself, if you had to kill yourself to cause or to create world peace, would you do it? I said no. I guess that makes me selfish and maybe just a piece of shit. But I honestly, I don't know if I could pull myself to kill myself. But I'm curious. Would you all be curious?

Listen, we talk all the time about killing ourselves and the sweet release of death and getting off this planet and all that shit. So if you want to talk to me about killing myself for those reasons, sure. You think I'm going to kill myself for strangers? Get the fuck out of here. I was going to say, I'll kill myself because I had a bad day.

Not to save the world. I'll have the gun in my hand ready to kill myself just because I'm like, you know, you heard me on this podcast. But if you tell me, okay, pull that trigger and there'll be world peace for everyone else. I'll put the gun down. I'm living another 50 years. Fuck you guys. Doing it for world peace.

It is crazy. First of all, I don't trust you. Who are you telling me you can guarantee world peace? I'm not here to make sure you're making good on that bet. And also like if it's like, like look i want to do something if someone encouraged me to do it i don't think so anymore absolutely not yeah it's like if you know if i want to go somewhere and then you tell me i have to go and now i'm not doing yeah right right right doing it at a spike what is this a book report yeah i tell you what i did but not anymore not anymore i want to see all about her i'm that yarn. I kind of like vegetables.

I want to eat my peas. Tell me to eat them, Mom. Fuck off. Nope. World peace. I love a good orange juice soaked carrot. But guess what? Not having it now.

Fuck off. I don't care how good they are for my eyes. World peace. By the way, I mean, for those of us lucky enough to live in a developed country and live a happy life like world peace ain't changing shit for me i i'd like world peace yeah but like yeah i don't know how would your day-to-day life change it wouldn't no it probably wouldn't actually things would be less interesting there'd be like less to argue about and debate about yeah like yeah if you're in the

middle east you should want that world peace and you know i i't have anybody in my family in the military or anything like that. Like, yeah, we got some friends here. Like, yeah, I want them to be safe. Otherwise, world peace doesn't mean shit to me. Yeah. That's why, you know, the ATI questions, like, give me, like, 50 grand. It is one of those things where it's just like, well, I mean. It'd be nice.

I like to know how to help the world or whatever. But also, like, it's one of those things,, like you can't really know something until you experience it. And I experienced peace every day. I feel like it'd be one of those things to like a black mirror episode where you don't realize that world peace is actually going to lead to like horrible repercussions, you know? Yeah.

Overpopulation. Yeah. Right. And we overheat the planet and we all die miserable deaths. Like there's, yep. World peace is for fucking suckers. Idiots.

All right. That's it for us. We'll catch you guys next week, Christmas week, for one episode and then we're all off to enjoy Christmas and the New Year. So, see you then. Turn around Look at what you see In her face The mirror of your dream

Make believe I'm everywhere In her face. The mirror of your dreams. Make believe I'm everywhere. Give it in the light. Written on the pages is the answer to a never ending story. Story time Reach the stars Lie a fantasy Dream a dream And what you see will be Climbing in their sacred sphere

I'm pulled behind the clouds. And there upon a rainbow is the answer to a never ending story. Story. Soaring high