KFC Radio - Glenn Howerton Returns, Rollin Like Poseidon, Awkward Aversion, Catfishing Your Wife

Episode Date: September 10, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and leave a review! -Dr Dre's divorce and Nicole Young's ridiculous alimony -Feits tells a story about a friend who was fired by his accountant -Keeping Up with the Kardashians is over after 20 seasons -Feits reveals he has hips that "roll like Poseidon" -Should Gender Reveals be banned or...... -AITA Thursday returns with a bunch of people getting catfished -Voicemails include having a sexy mix and using the dishwasher (02:04:00) Glenn Howerton returns to the show! He tells us the ins and outs of getting AP Bio moved to the Peacock streaming platform. We go in depth about the years he planned on leaving It's Always Sunny for good and why he decided to stick around. We talk about worst school experiences, drinking in quarantine, and much more. Let us know what you think on Twitter: @kfcradio @kfcbarstool @feitsbarstool @glennhowerton Subscribe to our Youtube Channel for Daily Clips: https://www.youtube.com/user/KFCradio Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/kfcradio Follow us on Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kfcradio Follow us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kfcradioYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I got nice-ass hips, man. I can fucking... These things roll like Poseidon. It's another edition of KC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Big episode today. We got our guy back in the booth. Our fucking guy, Glenn Howerton, is back. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What was that?

I sincerely hope that was not a sign of things to come in this episode, or else we're going to go off the walls. Did you just do a squeaking bed noise for Glenn? Are we fucking him? I don't know if it was a bird. I didn't know if it was a bed or a bird or a dolphin. It's a little bit of everything. Like a baby sea lion?

It's a dolphin riding atop the ocean with a bed on its back and two dodos fucking on it. That's our interview with Glenn Howerton. That's what you're going to hear today on a powerhouse episode of KFC Radio. We got M.I. the Asshole. We got our voicemails. We're going to chop it up and then Glenn to wrap things up. So it's a dolphin with a bed and Dodo's fucking listening to KFC Radio, motherfuckers. It's brought to you by Owens Mixers.

Now, maybe that dolphin and that Dodo are drinking a transfusion, getting a little loose up there. That's why they're hearing. That's usually what happens when I drink transfusions. Right? You loosen up. The Owens mixers are good because, you know, it goes down easy because you mix it with some mint, cucumber, lime, or you mix it with the grape and ginger ale transfusion mix. These mixers make every alcoholic beverage a little more enjoyable,

a little smoother, a little easier to drink. Next thing you know, you loosen up, get a little lubricated, and then it's... with a couple dodos on top of a bed easier to drink. Next thing you know, you loosen up, get a little lubricated, and then it's with a couple dodos on top of a bed on a dolphin. So, if you want to do that... That is just the celestial fuck. That is otherworldly.

I love it. Just add vodka to any of these drinks, or I don't know, gin, if you're into the Ryan Reynolds shit. Gin's having a moment it really is according to John he's the only one saying that but okay I'm not the only one saying it I agree gin dude I've been I've been I've been

fucks with some gin lately have you yeah and what what what's the mixer uh like a like a cocktail bar okay like what kind of cocktail gin mule gin moscow mule boy was mule? Gin Moscow mule? Boy, was that tough.

Mint cucumber is what I was trying to say. Oh, they got that perfect. Gin mint cucumber. It's just refreshing. It's got that flowery taste to it. No, what does that mean? Dude, I drank one the other day that had straight up flower petals in it like a lot of them. It was delicioso.

It was at a bar called Il Florista. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you and gin and whoever made that with flowers in the mix It's got a flowery taste Just kill yourself, put your head in the oven Owen's Transfusion Mix is How long would that take? Nevermind It's available online at the Owen's site Or on the Barstool store

Or you can get it at a liquor store near you if they carry it. Whether you're making transfusions or margaritas or dark and stormies or any of the classic mixed drinks, or if you're just making your own concoction, Owens Mixers is the best mixers on the planet. So go check it out. Owens, the Barstool store, or your local liquor store. I think it would take. Does your head melt? I don't know if it's like local liquor store. I think it would take. Does your head melt? I don't know if it's like gas or heat. I think it's the heat.

I bet you you like breathe in gas and you pass out and you burn to death. Boy, what a tough way to go. Not a great one. Why would you opt for that? I don't know if that's actually like a, has anybody ever killed themselves that way? Because that seems like, if you're in the kitchen, you might as well grab a knife or like, you know, there's other ways. Yeah, Harry Caray or something. Yeah, yeah. Harry Caray or something. Yeah.

Yeah. Harry Caray, is that it? Well, that's the Cubs announcer, but it does sound like that. It's something similar, though. I don't think Harry Caray. It's like Hakuri. Well, Sapuku is the other one. That's the one.

But there's also, it's like Hari Kari. It is similar to that. I think it's pronounced a little different than Harry Caray. Okay. Harry Caray. I was looking for Sapuku. Yeah. I was looking for Sapuku. That's also not a great way to go, though.

Stab yourself in the stomach. And then get it together to rip your fucking entrails open. I think that's the point is that you disgrace your family, so you're not going to go out peacefully. But boy, I'll tell you what. I do not love my family enough to be like, if I disgrace you, I have disgraced you. I didn't fucking rip my entrails. Yeah.

Sorry. We've all disgraced our families. We still got our entrails. We still got our intestines. They're a mess, if we're being honest. They probably should be ripped out. There's a lot of news right now in the news. There is a lot of news in the news.

Tons of news in the news. That could be 2020 slogan. There's a lot of news in the news. That actually really does make sense for 2020. But a lot of news that's making me just like there's, you know, the other half lives in a manner with money and fame and fortune that is just staggering. And first, I'll start off with Dr. Dre. Dr.

Dre is going through a nasty divorce and the numbers that are coming out like I said make you realize that the other half lives in such a manner that you can't even begin to comprehend I don't want to I have no interest in comprehending these numbers I'll just read it to you right here

so she wants $2 million a month that's rude, that's putting too much on her what she wants $2 million a month. That's rude. That's putting too much on her. What she wants is $1,936,309 per month. Which, by the way, probably does seem bizarre to people, but a lot of this shit is like formula-based, and you plug in numbers, and a number comes. It's not like she picked that number.

But yeah, $2 million a month. Laundry and cleaning, $10,000 a month. Seems too much. Probably does. Clothing, $135,000 per month. See, now the laundry's adding up. If you have $135,000 worth of clothes, then you have $10,000 worth of laundry. Education. As I understand it, they have two adult children, like in their late 20s.

Okay. I don't know what education they're getting. I don't know if they're Buster Bluth, and it's just like we're working towards another fucking degree now. Could be her. $60,000 a month? A month? You could go to George Washington, which I believe is the most expensive college in the country. That's $60,000

a year. Yeah, there's no... Maybe $70,000 a year. Well, maybe if two children and her are doing continuing education and they all have $20,000 No. No. It's impossible thousand dollar no no no it's impossible like no matter what it's not per month maybe per year can all add up but not per month i did this his wikipedia doesn't list his children's age he has six i don't know if it's yeah but he's probably

got a bunch of different um but whatever the point is i i believe that they have two adult children i've read that at one point they have two adult children. I read that at one point. They have two adult children together. I don't know how you could possibly spend $60,000 per month on two adult children going to college. How about this, by the way? It's hard to spend $60,000 a month on anything, on anybody, for anything. It's hard, certainly for education. You know what's even harder?

Spending $900,000 per month. I'm checking this again just to make sure I'm right. $900,000 per month on entertainment. I actually find easier to be than education. If you want to entertain, the sky's the limit. You know what I mean? You can do. Can you? I mean i mean personally i don't

think i could let's say i give you 900 grand i got some bruce's millions here's 900 grand right now to spend you have until october to spend it what do you do all right so let's say 30 days so let's say it's non-covid so you can do whatever okay so that that comes out to what three thirty thousand dollars a day would be we know john's not the sharpest with math if you watch lower in the bar right nick that'd be thirty thousand times thirty uh thirty thousand times thirty would be nine hundred thousand thirty k a day to entertain i mean listen i went netflix eleven bucks a month. No, but like, how do I get to the other 899,989 dollars? But you know,

I went, uh, when I did my bat, my brother's bachelor party in Vegas, uh, I was the best man. And at the time I thought I was some sort of baller. And I think it was like 10 K at,

at the club for a night. So that you spent 10 grand in the club for one night. You're $10,000 at the club for one night? You're not going out the next night. Again, it can be done. $800,000 is going to cocaine. That's what I mean. So then you factor in drugs and sex and private jets to get to and from where you want to go.

That's what PJs, you got to hit PJs hard. That's where a lot of this, everybody's downfall is the private jets. So if you want to really talk about how you can do some Brewster's Million shit and have money with nothing to show for it at the end, it's the private jets. Scott Storch blew $100 million because he

said he flew private everywhere and he was like, I lived like a billionaire when I was only like a hundred millionaire. And that'll do it. Chrissy Teigen was tweeting about, you know, Chrissyissy tegan and john legend they are fucking rich and they and she was like i can't fly private everywhere not you know sometimes definitely but not everywhere so private jets can can definitely get you somehow it doesn't get portnoy um thirty thousand dollars a day on enter fucking tain Like, even if you got a suite at a game every night. No, yeah.

Those kind of things, that's like chump change. That's like maybe 10 grand? Yeah, you're going to approach. You're taking a suite to take 20 people to the game every night. Maybe you're spending 10 grand? Nah, probably more than that. I don't know what a suite costs. I don't think so.

I mean, you know, maybe certain games, certain places, but I don't think it's crazy like that again maybe if you stock the suite with louis the you know 1492 and all this shit that's like super expensive but it is this is what i mean where it's like i can't even begin to understand how the other half lives it's like even if i want entertainment would be like shopping for me and i don't need to spend my entertainment on I'm shopping because I already have $150,000 for shopping. What would you, what do you think your bill? Monthly.

By the way, this is monthly. You gave me $150,000 and $900,000 for a year. I don't know if I'd be able to spend it. Right. What do you think you spend on entertainment right now? You go to the bar every night. I spend $100 a night at the bar. All right.

So that's, let's it a 30-day month. So you're spending $3,000. Oh, boy. I wish we didn't do that. Right? That's the right math? I go to the bar every night in COVID. I don't go to the bar every night.

I go to the bar every night right now because I have an air mattress at home and no cable set up. Oh, yeah. It's going to stop when COVID goes away, John. John walks home every day, and he's walking the streets, and he goes, I'm going to go to the bar because of COVID, John. John walks home every day and he's walking the streets and he goes, I'm going to go to the bar because of COVID. I have nothing at home. There's just nothing in my apartment. It's a barren apartment. But you,

when you do, actually, I don't know. Now that you're moving in with someone, it was like, should I go home to Lou and Gaz or should I go to the bar? You've got somebody to go home to now. It probably will change, but also more likely is that she's just going to go to the bar with you and then to go home to now it probably will change but also more likely is that she's just gonna go to the bar with you and then you go home you go home after that probably so uh bar every night netflix let's say all the streaming added up you know is like 50 bucks or

some shit right you like five or four or five of them yeah 550 bucks do you are you do you pay for yours i'm a freeloader no i pay i pay for all them. I'm a freeloader and not because of any other reason other than laziness. It's like I have a couple of people that I use. See, I'm not a freeloader for no other reason other than laziness. Because I don't feel like tracking someone down and asking them for whatever. Laziness and awkward aversion. Had you had those passwords already. I'm in AA at all times.

Awkward aversion. I like that. Did you make that up right now? Yeah, I did. Awkward aversion. AA. Find. Did you make that up right now? Yeah, I did. Awkward aversion. AA. Find your AA sponsor. You're my sponsor. John, I need your help. I'm

about to have an awkward conversation. Tell me how to avert it. I'd rather spend like $600 a year and not have to have that one conversation where it's like, hey, could I get your Hulu password? I don't have all of them, but I have Hulu, Amazon, Netflix,

Prime, HBO, Showtime, Disney Plus, ESPN Plus, which, by the way, is fucking insane that I can't watch ESPN games on ESPN Plus. ESPN Plus, I mean, you obviously did it for the pay-per-views, right? I did. I've done it.

It's like, what is it, a month? I don't know what it is a month. But I paid. It's not cheap, though, right? It's not that cheap. I paid it every month from the Tyson Fury fight. Yep. That's when I started, too.

Until the Celtics game last week. I hadn't used it since the Fury fight. You had to pay for the Celtics? Oh, that's what you're saying. I was like, oh, it's on ESPN. I'll just watch it on ESPN Plus because I don't have a TV set up. I'll just watch it on my laptop in my apartment. And I get there.

Motherfuckers. It's like, you want to watch Venus at the US Open? I was like, fucking no. Want to watch what's on ESPN? because I don't have a TV set up. I just watch my laptop in my apartment. And I get there. Motherfuckers. It's like, you want to watch Venus at the US Open? I was like, fucking no. Want to watch what's on ESPN? I used to. I mean, you know, we are big time. We were on the record many times saying, like, just pay for these things. But ESPN Plus is pushing the boundary for me of, like, you sign up and then you have

to pay the money anyway for the pay-per-view. And it's like, what? This is just a racket. It's an absolute racket. And you can't get anything on espn right not only are you not getting the basics but like they don't deliver anything like special or extra with it at all it's not like the athlete the athletic i actually find interesting articles on yeah and maybe because i follow the athletic and i don't follow espn plus maybe they tweet more interesting articles as i follow them but like who you know I know some of the athletic writers. There's some names on there.

I can't even tell you. Who from ESPN these days are you really like? Scott Van Pelt's the only guy. I gotta read their take on this. I like the Bonnie Simmons thing. Bonnie still just makes me think in ways I'd never think before. I don't really read his articles often. You get them on social.

They just don't have the roster they once did. So anyway, back to the bigger picture here. The point is, you know, between watching TV and going to a bar. And again, even if it wasn't COVID, you know, it's not like John would be club hopping. You wouldn't be popping on, like hopping on. It's Cowboy season. You'll be fucking club hopping?

No. Catch me at Molly's on third. Yep. Yep. Warm, microwaved whiskey. Eating a shepherd's pie by the fire. That's what you can catch me doing. Just farting.

Just farting out shepherd's pie with warm whiskey by the fire. There's just like a little burst of flame. What's going on there? John's here. By the way, last night I popped, i went to the bar before uh i went home just grabbed a quick burger and fries and there was a couple next to me and my buddy they were playing backgammon oh i've been back it's been introduced to my life very recently really yes don't know how to play don't know how to play really also does not seem like i mean

i don't really give a shit about any of this stuff anymore but like in terms of coronavirus i'm just watching their grubby paws all over each other's little circles and and which was a weird enough move i when i sat down um six six pence none the richer was playing uh kiss me okay yeah i knew the name i couldn't put what song was but they were playing backgammon together and i was like this is awesome like this is a very romantic couple and then they wrapped up and i don't know who they were who they were uh or if they're owners of bars wherever but they got the royal treatment and they were allowed to go in and sit at the bar which was like a flex like i went to go to the bathroom and they were just sitting in the corner of the bar watching it might have just been a tv thing so there's one tv outside like we

talked yesterday there's no not enough and then uh but they were allowed to sit at the bar and i was like oh you lucky bastards i just want to sit at a bar so outdoor seats are great but sometimes massachusetts does it right because massachusetts you're allowed in oh yeah and what they do is they put the the tables at the bar so you can't technically sit at a bar but the tables are like like uh flush against the bar. So it's like a table for two. So your bar's on the side. Yes, and then the bartender just serves you like that.

Yeah, okay, that would get the trick done. It's a nice little twist. I just want to be back at the bar. Like, the liquor bottle's behind you, in front of you, and the TV's up there. That's home, you know? So anyway. We're not done.

No, yeah, keep going. This one's the big one, I think. There's something worse than the entertainment bill? Charitable contributions. Oh, yeah. $125,000 a month. You don't get to make charitable contributions with other people's money. It's not charity.

That's just giving away Dre's money. That's not like. You are already the charitable contribution. Yeah, yeah. This whole thing is $2 million of charity that Dr. Dre gives to you. I need $125K of your money to give away to other people? Fuck all

the way off. That is crazy. Fuck all the way off. If my divorce money was just going to other people? You can donate it, but that's coming out of your fucking pocket. $100,000 to make a wish Foundation from Nicole Young. I'm getting fucking credit for that. That's from Dr. Dre.

That's not from Nicole Young. Wow. That is worse. You're right. Speaking of Make-A-Wish Foundation, did you know that those kids aren't sick anymore? What does that mean? These Make-A-Wish Foundations, and again, like everything on this podcast, don't quote me on it. Once they're healthy, they go on Make-A-Wish.

I thought it was like before they die they go So do I It's once you're healthy Which I guess kind of makes sense Like you can't take a fucking kid who's on his deathbed Or got from making changes or something So I'm 99% sure You make your wish and then they're like

If you don't die you can go to Disney next year You better Today's a don't die day for you pal And so is tomorrow and the next day and the next day. And maybe in two years you can go meet Pluto. How many people? I don't know why, but the fact that you picked Pluto. Not Mickey or whatever.

How many people? Boy, how many people do you think make a wish and don't get it done? A lot? That is a jargon. I've been to your guests most. Write this down. That another like episode of the inevitable show that we do like the make-a-wish kid who dies before he can go meet pluto like like like chapelle shows up every day like just teasing the kid be like i'll fucking play with

you once you get better well yo that that skit is one of his all-time you better pick up them sticks timmy oh man that is a dark thought. So we got to cover the Disney gangs and the Make-A-Wish deaths. So all in, $2 million. The bulk of it that's making the headlines is the $900,000 entertainment slush fund, but the $125K charity loophole. Charity is the all-time loophole. Like, how many people would you say donate to charity actually out of charity?

And not out of a front, you know, to look good, like a reputation thing, or be just like a – Like my accountant every year, he's like, charitable loop, charitable donations, what do you say, like 5K this year? And I'm like, sure. I don't know. It depends how many times I went to Whole Foods when they were doing the you want to add a dollar. Did I go to Whole Foods 5,000 times this year? Yeah. How many times was it at CVS?

And they're like, would you like to add a dollar to put food on a kid's plate? I'm like, AA. I got a little fucking aversion here. What was it? Awkwardness aversion? Awkward AA. Like, I got a little fucking aversion here. So, what was it? Awkwardness aversion? Awkwardness aversion. I got a little awkwardness aversion.

So yeah, I guess take this dollar. I like that. Also, by the way, when they ask you that shit at Whole Foods, I'm like, why don't you have Bezos paying?

What are you fucking asking me for, man? I just bought a $17 steak that I still have to cook myself. What are you talking about? Do I want to fucking give a dollar? No, have Bezos do it.

Motherfuckers worth $200 billion. Stop asking me. I just have to call and plead my bank to extend my credit. Don't fucking ask me for a dollar. Do you ever click the ones when it's as simple as click it there? Do you do that? Is that how old someone does it? No, someone has to verbally ask me?

Yeah. I have to say no to your face. I'll say no to a robot. I'll fucking. Yeah. I don't even, you know, I don't even consider that shit because I know it's not doing anything. No, I know. It's not fucking going anything.

I know it's going to someone's pockets. Someone online going online right there. Pockets. Yep. So. Also, $100,000 mortgage. I don't know what that means, to be honest. I don't know anything about mortgages. Someone at some point

in my life taught me. Consider it your rent. Consider it your rent. Your rent. Okay. 100K a month on rent. That's good. That's a nice place. At least that's a, you know, I don't know. I mean, it's a very lavish fucking mortgage and a big house and all that shit, but it's okay. There's something tangible there, you know, as opposed to these other things that are just like, I believe't know. I mean, it's a very lavish fucking mortgage and a big house and all that shit. But it's okay. There's something tangible there, you know, as opposed to these other things that are just like.

I feel like you want a $100,000 mortgage. You should have invented Beats by Dre. Well, so that's what this all comes down to. I don't think. I think people probably know now and especially if they're going to read into these headlines. But there was a long time where people thought of Dr. Dre as a rapper and a producer. And then they even knew, like, the Beats by Dre thing. But people didn't understand the extent of they thought it was headphones and really what it was is that

he also came up with an itunes-esque type of platform where you can buy music for like 99 cents and stream music and they wanted they bought that shit to just like get rid of the competitor you know so that's dr dre got a billion off that shit some jimmy iovine if you haven't seen the d the it's called the something with a d uh the i'm gonna look it up real quick it's like the dominators but it's a better word than that the uh watch that documentary though it's it's uh jimmy i mean and dr drake the defiant ones yeah i was never gonna land on that one. Yeah.

They, you know, they're like the most like influential people out there. I also love that. One of my favorite parts of the whole story is Tyrese. Tyrese. Tyrese almost like ruined it. Ruined it. Yeah. Could you imagine if, so again, if you don't know, Dr. Dre, Apple bought him out for a

billion dollars and Tyrese got like, you know, heard about it through the grapevine because he's buddies with him and like tweeted about it. No, he's like, he's done like IG live. Yeah. And they almost pulled the plug on the whole fucking operation because it leaked early. If someone ever cost you a billion and the fact that it's Tyrese, you know, if like if Eminem cost him a billion, I don't know. It's like, well, we'll figure it out.

If Tyrese Gibson cost you a billion, you like his head off. Dude, you kill that guy. Yeah, right. Then Vin Diesel kills you because you don't invest with family. So Dre is worth more than you probably ever realized. And now his wife's going to be worth more than you ever realized. And, I mean, until you go through divorce stuff, you just don't understand how much money really can be at stake what's crazy is people don't get the difference too between like alimony and like child support and stuff like that like everybody always is busting my balls thinking that i'm paying alimony i'm not paying alimony

alimony you have to be married for a long time and you have and the and your partner has to make like no money themselves i didn't know this So alimony makes more sense when traditionally speaking, it was always like the wife would – you'd get married and you'd have kids. And the wife would be like, I'm going to stay home with the kids and you go to work. So traditionally the wife and the mother would basically give up their career. And so then say 30 years later you get a divorce and it's like well i have no resume i have no experience i didn't get education i don't know how technology in the world works anymore like i'm like unemployable almost right and i did that in theory for you and the family so you gotta like make up you know that all makes sense yeah but when you've

been married like in my case we were married for a few years and she has her own career it's like no i have to take care of my kids but like she can provide for herself and she has her own career i didn't know this yeah so and and but but you know within that structure people like take advantage of it and obviously you're just pushing the limits to get as much money as they can very few people i think in divorce are just like no no no i make my own money and like we weren't you know i didn't give up anything for you so it's okay it's like it's like my my accountant with taxes is like if we can push this envelope we're going to uh so and like i said before i know these numbers are staggering but a lot of it is a formula and it's like if you make if you're worth a billion and when I plug in my salary to these formulas, it turned out several thousand dollars.

When Dr. Dre does it, it turns out a few million. So it's one of those things that's like it is a staggering number, but I think it's all relative. But where you run into trouble is like the – It's just impossible to justify. Yes. You can't... Right. It's like it's within the rules, it sounds like,

but if we're being realistic, it's just not fair or reasonable. Do you have a harem of 18-year-old boys that you... Then you can't spend $900,000 a month unless you are taking them to fucking arcade games and fucking be like, all right, here's a quarter, here's a quarter quarter then there's no way you're spending nine hundred thousand dollars per month on entertainment you gotta fly them to fucking topeka where they got great fucking uh adventure parks and fucking shit that should run you up fast passes as hell fast passes i mean you

go to some of these tourist attractions where it's you know like 30 bucks for a fucking bottle of water and 75 bucks for a t-shirt. Yeah, you can run around. You're taking a bunch of little kids to Disney all the time? Yeah. You got to walk out of a fucking – every ride you go on, you walk out, you got to go through a fucking gift shop and they're going to throw a hissy fit every time? Yeah. Yeah. A lot of money there.

That's the answer, by the way. You ask me, like, how would I spend $900,000 in entertainment? I'd take my kids to Disney. Take a couple two-year-olds to Disney and you're fucking going broke. Dude, it's Disney crazy. Disney is absolutely crazyolds to Disney, and you're fucking going broke. Dude, it's Disney crazy. Disney's absolutely crazy. I've gone as recently as a year ago. It's insanity. You know, it's just like,

we are going to charge whatever we want, and you're going to fucking pay for it, because you're already here, and you're trapped, and you either are a weirdo adult who has an addiction to this shit, or you're with your kids who are going to cry until you get it for them, and you'll pay any amount of money. My dad refused to ever go back to Disney. Because of that?

One year. Yeah. Like he's like every fucking ride they tried to get me for money. Every fucking ride. They take a picture of you going through like down the drop. Forty bucks. Yeah. For a picture.

Forty bucks. Like a blurry picture. In a cardboard frame. Yeah. Forty fucking bones. It's. It's. Wouldn't it be funny if she was just like, yeah, I have a harem of 18-year-olds.

You know what it reminds me of? Your buddy we were hanging out with a couple weeks ago who was very generous with his corporate account, his corporate spending account, and kind of got audited and needed to try to justify it. And it's like, it would be interesting to see her try to justify all this. Be like, okay, I'm going to itemize this. 900K a month.

Spend on this, spend on that. Because these lawyers are shysters, man. That same buddy, by the way, got fired by his accountant. That one of the all-time stars. I don't think I've ever left his heart. I was super high, but it still was so fucking funny. We were at brunch one day, drunk, the weekend before he'd flown to Vegas and emptied his 401k. Wait, hang on, hang on.

The Feidelberg's buddy getting fired by his accountant story. It's one of the best stories of all time. It's brought to you by BarkBox. I said that if you don't get BarkBox, I said this on MailTime. If you don't get BarkBox, you're a dog. You don't love your dog. And if you don't love your dog in 2020 America, you could be canceled. You could be, like, run out of town by the cancel mob.

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So just a little extra something for your doggie. That's superchewer.com slash KFC. Get a free weed themed toy in your first box when you sign up. So just a little extra something for your doggie. That's superchewer.com slash KFC. I don't think anyone's ever been fired by their accountant in the history of the world. I didn't know it could happen. Because it's just like, I just take a percentage of your money. Like, I don't fucking care what you do with it. I get a percentage of it. He was so reckless with his

spending, as you'll hear in a second, that it offended him as a financial advisor of sorts. But it offended him as a financial you know advisor of sorts like but it really isn't a financial advisor it's just like it's like i just tell you the numbers you know but he was so reckless that it was like i can't be a party to this crazy like i really like like resigning from the white house like look what you guys are doing i just don't on a fundamental principle level i don't agree with anymore and i can't i can't be i can't be associated with i'm a man of principles and you violate like what i believe in at the end of the day the weekend before he had emptied his 401k

which and you're what like 24 at this point uh i'll say 26 but yeah like we were pretty we were pretty young and he emptied his 401k to go to vegas with some friends paid for all his friends too paid for like a suite paid for like tables i mean he had 401k money why not right and so he's telling us a story at brunch a week later and he's like yeah i've been going back and forth with my accountant all week like he's fucking pissed at me like he's like telling me he's thinking about like a career change like i've put so much undue stress upon this man. That sounds like a detective. I've seen one too many murders, and I can't do it anymore.

And so we're sitting there, and at this point, we're pretty good and drunk. My dad's at the table with us, my uncle. We go to the table. We're being the loud, obnoxious people at brunch. And this guy, he's a storyteller. He's got the gift of gab. He's letting it. He's in Brimmon.

There's probably 12 of us there being loud. Like, everyone's paying attention. And he's telling this story. He's, like, standing up. And, like, you hear a ding. And he gets an email. Like, Saturday morning at, like, wow, Saturday afternoon. Let's say it's 1 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon.

And he just starts losing it. Like, and we're like, what, what, what? He goes, I got an email from the accountant. It just says, I fire you from being my client. And that was the whole sentence. No signature, no like,

deer blank, no like, like, like a sign off. It was just, like, I regret to inform you. I,

I, almost like Tyler's quitting. Like, I've decided to resign from my post in personal sports. Period. That's it. I fire you from being my client. Period.

I'm done dealing with your fucking that just like you don't get fired from it's just not even a thing but what was even funnier was when he explained the story of when he was on the phone with the bank to tap into his 401k and the guy he was speaking to who would have like collected a commission and all this shit on the action was like bro you sure you want to do this this is pretty fucked up and he delivered what i believe to be right up there with scotty pippen during the last dance of i'm not gonna fuck up my summer one of the greatest quotes of all time because again he's 26 he's clearing out his bank account uh his 401k which is probably a nice chunk of money but not that much because your 401k supposed to accrue until you're like 70 and uh he's gonna go through all these penalties and

fees to do it and also to go on a trip that is not that expensive you can go to vegas for like you know 700 bucks and like kind of figure it out as you go and he said to him and as the guy's like really i don't think you want to do this and he goes something to the effect of if this moment right here me clearing out this 401k defines my life well then i had a pretty shitty life well then i'm gonna end up having a pretty shitty life so i don't fucking care so so run me my money just i'm just asking you for my money i didn't ask for a lecture just give me my fucking money that I shouldn't be touching but I want to touch it this defines my life I had a pretty shitty

life that is a great line when you think of it it's either like I'm going to bounce like either I'm going to have a successful life that this $2,000 $3,000 doesn't matter at all or my life was so shitty that it doesn't matter that I or my life was so shitty that it

it doesn't matter that i cleared it out either way you can justify a lot like that you can do a goddamn near anything with that logic uh so so all of this you know with the accountants and the advisors you you can find a way to you know justify this stuff in your brain and say you deserve it. And that's what happens, too. Like in divorce, I'm assuming if you're doing numbers like this, it's probably not an amicable thing. And if there was cheating or something like, you know, in my case, it's like, you know, it was almost you're getting a penalty. You know what I mean?

And those numbers can get pretty fucking big, man. You get pretty fucking big man they get pretty fucking big what i learned too in my experience was that and if you're getting divorced you can either be nice or win the divorce you cannot do both like i was i was like i don't want i want to have a relationship with her after the fact i want to be friendly i want to be able to co-parent well so we're not going to sling mud we're not we're not even really going to play hardball like and my lawyer was kind of like well what the fuck am i supposed to do like i totally handcuffed him uh and so you know i certainly did not win my divorce financially speaking i did not win this divorce at all but you know we just went to this beach house together for the first time and i go

over there for breakfast and dinner and we hang out and shit so in my mind you know i i won we all won in that regard but money wise definitely did not and uh uh dr dre is either gonna have to decide whether he wants to be friendly and just give her two million dollars a fucking month yo or win this fucking win bro like it's one thing when you're raising children yeah your children are adults fucking win and like and yeah if that's the other thing too is like i i have no i have no qualms like the money that i that i give is going towards the kids and rent and things that like matter you know if i had to be forking over money for like right there enumerated like clothes and entertainment charitable contributions i mean that it would drive me nuts i would go fucking insane over that shit uh so but then i guess you know the flip side also there is like

if you know if he can if that's trump change to him i mean even if you're really rich that's that's chump change to him I mean even if you're really rich that's a lot of money to just fork over $18 million tax free yo yo fuck Nicole Young go sign Jalen Ramsey bro are you kidding me $24 million a year am I doing that math right yeah I think I just said 18 it's $2 million a month

yeah $24 million a year yeah Jalen Ramsey only costs $20 Nicole Young ain't worth $24 oh god Tredavious Brown Tredavious what the bills $24 million a year. Yeah, Jalen Ramsey only costs $20. Nicole Young ain't worth $24. Oh, God. Tredavious Young. Tredavious Brown. Tredavious what? The Bills.

Tredavious. I forget. It's whatever. I think it's Tredavious Young. Whatever it is. He's $17.4. Yeah. There's Tom Brady's $20.

You can get. Nicole Young. Nicole Young. It's not worth Tom Brady money. Here, I'm going to give you. There's package A, Nicole Young. Package B is Tom Brady and $4 million in your pocket. Which one do you think you want?

That is, I do believe when you reach. I want to see what the highest paid annual contracts in sports are right now and see what Nicole, I bet Nicole Brown's a top five paid player in sports, the sports world. No, no, well, because the NBA is getting nutty. The NBA has like $41 million a year type guys. But in the in sports the sports world no no well because because the nba is getting nutty the nba has like 41 million dollars a year type guys but in the nfl no doubt in the nfl minus like patrick mahomes if you're if you're in the 20 20 mid 20s range you are you're a cream of the crop i mean that is uh and and you know what it is dr drake could be worth you know billions at this

point i believe there's a certain at a point, no matter how much money you have, it's a matter of principle. It's just not, it's like, yeah, I can afford this, but I really shouldn't have to. And there's probably a level of like, you know what, you know why we're getting divorced or why we don't get along is partly because like you just spend my money and you're reckless and you're crazy with it. And so I'm not going to just give in to this even though – this is ashtray money to me. Even though I saw a quote about Steve Cohen. This is in the book. It's called like The Black Edge or something like that, all cohen uh who is the guy who bought the mets

and he got in a lot of trouble with the sec and they uh find him 600 million dollars at one point and they say he's definitely a top 100 contract sports contract of all time she's oh yeah just above the lg or steve cohen uh got got fin $618 million, and they said he was elated. He was like, no fucking problem, paid in cash, and the person who wrote the book said he'll find that in between the cushions of his Maybach. But. $618, and you're like, oh, fuck it. I got to be easy on that one.

No problem. But, you know,hen's probably the exception i think most of these guys especially you know artists and entertainers while they do become lavishly rich a lot of times you spend the beginning like on couches like you know borrowing money to get studio time and or selling drugs or whatever you know how all these rappers get their start so you do come from like somewhat humble beginnings and there's a point where it's just like no like i'm not giving into this i don't care how much money i have or how much i can easily break this off on you fuck that because it just it'll just eat at you i mean cutting that a two million dollar check every month is like i'd have to do that direct deposit

style like yeah i won't say i do with my 401k like i couldn't write a check too like i'd have to do that direct deposit style like yeah almost like i do with my 401k like i couldn't write a check to except like fuck that i'll spend somewhere else yeah like yeah yeah like i don't even know how to say it out of mind i mean i i transfer the money in my situation and uh so i have to do it like manually i probably should just set up an auto one yeah but um now like i said i'm pretty comfortable with like where it's going and how it's being used but in the beginning when like things were contentious and you know uh still are you know whatever i that was a soul-crushing moment every like click confirm like but shout out to all all my uh single dads out there when you're cutting checks for alimony, child support is one thing.

You got to do it or you're a fucking deadbeat. If you're doing alimony and fucking entertainment funds. Oh, man. That's got to be the worst I've ever heard. I know. Remember when we read up on Brendan Fraser? No. Brendan Fraser, God bless him, is he got hit hard.

And I think it kind of like ruined him in a way. You know, not nearly Dr. Dre money, $2 million a month, but he owed $75K a month. This is Brendan Fraser who's been in like Encino, man. And he got, you know, some money, money, money, no doubt. But when you're paying 75K a month, just like in perpetuity, I think you like bankrupted him. I think he like did not survive it. I mean, I do not have a lot of money.

But like I always think if we were still like one bank account, it would be – it all kind of comes out in the wash one way or another. But now that it feels like it should be like quote-unquote my money and I'm sending it over here, like there's not a lot left over. But if it was all one bank account, it would still be going to the kids and all that shit, so it would all be the same. But if you – It's got a different vibe to it. Yeah, and if you don't have – again, if you're Dr. Dre and you have a billion, whatever, if you're, like, you've got to keep earning to keep up with it and you hit hard times, you don't get as many movie roles.

Like, that's the thing. In the entertainment world, and even, like, for me, I don't know what's going to happen. Like, I, my, the formula and, like, what we agreed upon was kind of based on what's currently happening. I don't know if gambling is, like, the only thing that Barcelona cares about one day and the podcast stopped, whatever.

I'd be like, I don't have that anymore. I need alimony, please. You're my sugar mama. I am unhirable. Have you seen what I've said over the last decade? For real. Alimony, please. Wouldn't that be the ultimate twist?

I mean, there was, i think only up until the last couple years i was always uh she was always the sugar mom i was the sugar baby for the longest time and you know so if you know we went back to that somehow i'd be like well i got nothing can't do it uh city island here i baby. Moving back in with moms and pops. Right now, it's a very fine line. Very precarious in my spot. I bet on myself. That's another thing with divorces.

If you're going through it, my lawyer was kind of like, I tell the guys that I represent, and the women too, but he said that mostly this happens with guys. You either got to be honest with yourself. You either got to bet on yourself on yourself for the future or you gotta be honest if you think your best days are like behind you he was like i you know i i worked with like traders and stuff who are like out of their prime and they're like i gotta make sure this is like a good deal for right now because i'm not going to be continuing to earn whereas with me like barstool's on the rise and we got this equity coming so i was kind of like all right let's like pay up front now and all that shit because like hopefully in the future everything's gravy with money but you know that's a that's a real look yourself in the mirror and be honest with yourself for a change because you know the next like 18 years or how many years you're gonna do as your kids

it could be a long fucking long time for you if you're not honest with yourself. If you're in college right now and asked to define a risk, write Kevin's story. Yes! Yes! And send that to us. Yeah, please. Write your college essay on risk. Just put a picture of my fucking mug in page six.

God damn it. Shout out to Dre. Me and Dre, we could have a good conversation. Me and Andre Young we can have a good conversation me and andre young um yeah uh it's a it's a wrap for keeping up with the kardashians 20 seasons filmed over 14 years of television uh kim kardashian announced the other day on social media through like a little you know phony press release little made-up press release of her own, that the family has decided to call it a day. I've always been a staunch supporter

of the Kardashians. Not a fan, because I don't watch their show. I would say that combined lifetime, I've seen I'll go a minute and a half of the show. Really? I mean, I've definitely seen And they're all just clips on social of something Kanye's doing. Yeah.

I'll watch, like, I watched... Again, I don't know if I ever sat down and watched a full episode, but I've definitely, like, I've never tuned in, like, all right, it's, you know, I'm assuming it's like a Sunday night show. Sunday at 8. I've never done that. But, like, when they got robbed in Paris, I wanted to see that. I saw a few minutes of that.

And, you know, just, yeah, I've just stumbled through it over the years, but definitely not a viewer of it. But I support the fuck out of them in the sense of there's like three main things in my mind. One, when everyone's like they don't have talent. Yeah, they do. Well, yeah. Yes. We've always said I think their talent is being famous. I think they're the best famous people in the world. No, I think their talent is marketing.

Yeah. I think that's something that like famous marketers get credit for. Definitely. They don't. They don't because they're not – they're just doing their own marketing for themselves. Right. It's like if the Kardashians – if you found out that the Kardashians also made the, and maybe this is what's going to happen, like Addison Rae is the TikTok

star who has her mom and her dad and her brothers and sisters are all kind of, they all have personalities and a lot of people, the rumors are that they're kind of being groomed to be the next Kardashians. They fucking better be. Otherwise, it's exceptionally weird that Kourtney Kardashian hangs out with an 18-year-old all the time. Is that how old Addison Rae is?

Maybe. She might even be younger. 18 to 20-year-old. Kourtney's like 42. Kourtney all the time. Is that how old Addison Rae is? Maybe. She might even be younger. 18 to 20-year-old. Kourtney's like 42. Kourtney's the same age as her mom. Addison Rae's mom. So when you're hanging out and they're in the pool together taking pictures in their thong and doing TikTok dances with a woman the same age as your mother.

That is insane. So weird. But if you found out that Kim and the Kardashians took the Ra ray family and applied i think that's actually her middle name but whatever that family and applied all of their knowledge and then made them bajillionaires you'd be like i would hope people would be like all right they get credit for that but because they're kind of just marketing themselves it doesn't feel that way dude it's very weird to hate kardashians get again i'm not a fan of the show i don't

fucking despise them. I actually think they're pretty impressive people. But like Ryan Seacrest gets more credit for the Kardashians than the fucking Kardashians get. Yeah, which is just not – Like Seacrest is a genius, man. Right. No, the Kardashians are geniuses. And specifically Kris Jenner.

We all know, you know, the devil works harder. I actually think she gets too much credit. Yeah, it kind of like swung the other way. But she is like the mama bear and she does run that shit shit but i think even i think their talent's being famous you're you're saying more specifically their marketing but even i get the argument that people are making they don't sing they don't dance they don't play basketball they you know the the the traditional sense of the word talent you're right all the more reason i respect them yeah like yeah they don't have talent and they're worth a billion or whatever, you know?

Like, to me... Billions, I'd imagine. Sure. Although, like, Kylie's thing was, like, completely fake, right? But it was, like, still, like, several hundred million, you know? It's not like she was, like, making it all up. So in my mind, like, and that's, you know, stink it till you make it.

I feel like they deserve more credit for that. And two, my other big argument is all the people who criticize them you do the same thing as the kardashians you're like oh these they're so uh shallow and vapid on social media it's like fucking so are you yeah it's like and i guess some people say like the kardashians created this world again if you believe that i don't really but if you believe that, I don't really. But if you believe that, okay, well, then that means they influenced the world. So that argument doesn't hold water.

But you do the same. You're posting thirst traps. You're broadcasting your life on social media because you want the validation and the attention and the satisfaction. And you don't make any money doing it. You do it for 10 it yeah everyone hates on them being like they don't even do anything well fucking either do you right you don't have and they have billions if they don't do anything then you can do that yeah why aren't you on e there's plenty of people have a sex tape when they're like ray j's fucking dick which i've gone. I think when I first saw that, I was like, pretty pubescent. His dick's not as impressive as I remember. Um, let me, let's do that right now.

Because I feel like I've seen it relatively recently, and I certainly wouldn't turn my nose up at it. I'm not turning my nose, but as I recall, it was like some fucking Mandingo, like fucking Lex Steel. Yeah, I mean, it's not that, but. It's a fucking dick. I mean, Kim's got two full like hands on it. You know, it's like two and then there's like enough to suck coming out of that. So

I mean, Kim's got dainty hands. Everyone knows that. It was one of her many plastic surgeries. She's like, I got hands like Fidelberg. I got to fix these things. Imagine if Fidelberg... I get lipo sucks on my hands, please.

God, thank God you're not gay. Because if you were getting head from fights and he had his sausage fingers wrapped around your dick while he's blowing you, or if he's like,

imagine you're poor. I mean, Feidelberg fingering you has just got to be terrible, man. I'd fucking, I'd fucking start sucking my own finger instead.

I want to hit that thing to ding on the back of my throat it's harder to suck john's fingers than it is to suck his dick by the by by the way a funny tweet that kind of relates to all this uh from our former co-worker ellie schnitt best of luck to ellie is in all her new endeavors but a very specific tweet of hers last night, like masquerading as a general tweet. I don't know who needs to hear this, but your dick isn't big. I just have tiny, dainty hands, and I love to lie.

I mean, that's very specific. That is directed at somebody. She's like, no, no, no. I just have tiny paws. Your dick's not that big. I mean, it fucking could be directed at me. Not from Ellie, but just like, I don't need to know who needs to hear this thing. Let's clarify, no, no, no, I just have tiny paws. Your dick's not that big. I mean, it fucking could be directed at me. Not from Ellie, but just like if it, I don't need to know who needs to hear this thing.

Let's clarify. Not from Ellie. No, no, no. Absolutely not. Very nice girl, but no, that's not what I'm trying to say. Thank God for her. But like, it could be. That could, you could be said. Someone could say that to me. Someone could say that to me. No, no, you know, you know, you know, you get the, your dick's perfect.

Yes! That's saying my dick's got a nice personality, man. That's fucking awful. That's like saying your dick's got a good sense of humor. Yeah, yeah. Oh, your dick's spunky. I had a girl who would refer to it as like the pee-pee. Not pee-pee, the pee-pee, the perfect penis.

I was like, stop. Stop. Stop it. Anything other than big means it's not you know i mean have you ever asked it's perfect if i ever asked fuck no bro just like i've never asked what your number is right i don't give a shit it's a question you should not ask i've definitely asked it before though in a way that like i really meant it as just like curiosity i wasn't like fishing and i wasn't going to be insecure about it. I was just like, you know, have you ever like fucked a giant dick?

And you were hoping she says you? No, no, actually it was not even posed that way. I guess it probably did come across as fishing, but I really wasn't. But I think I said like, have you, have you like fucked somebody with a bigger dick than me? And I think I got like the, no, they like it's all been like you know like about that like about that same size and i was just like nah you fucked me that's either again that's either like a yes or a lie that's one of the stupidest things that like god actually it's not stupid it's not stupid i'm not guys get insecure about that i don't fucking care what

wait what just about like dick sizes and stuff do you think like it's not stupid. It's not stupid. Guys get insecure about that. I don't fucking care. What? Wait, what? Just about dick sizes and stuff. It's not stupid to be insecure about it. Yeah. Oh, I think it's totally normal to be insecure about it. But I was going to say it's so dumb. All guys do it. It's not dumb. No.

It makes a lot of fucking sense. It's like, you know, same for girls. It's a body image issue. And of course, I mean, you can say size doesn't matter like it does i don't think it it literally matters in the sense like i think when girls are being their most honest like a huge dick they say is actually a bad thing because it either hurts or you can't put it certain places or do certain things with it uh but like they want it to be a certain size and if it's not they're they're gonna be you're not gonna run

away from you but they're you know it's like you want a girl like a perfect ass and if she doesn't have one you're like okay i can work with this i'm happy but it's not you know ideal or or like a perfect so same thing for guys with dicks because if because if a dick but if i said you have a perfect ass that means a lot different thing than you a perfect ass, that means a lot different thing than I have a perfect penis. A perfect ass means, that's a compliment. A perfect dick means... I'd like to talk about something else. But I also think a perfect dick means it's okay. Yeah, no, it's good.

I got a marriage dick. Right. That was what Violet said. Yeah, you don't marry the big dick. You fuck the big dick. You fuck the big dick. You marry the guy with an average dick. But it is. I mean, if a girl, if you have a big dick and you like fuck a girl, she's going to the group chat and like bragging or excitedly talking about it.

And if you have. And so, like, if you don't have that, you're going to be like you wish that was happening. You wish you were getting that shout out in in the group chat, and you're not. So you're allowed to be insecure about that. You made some great jokes at dinner though. That is a funny thing. A cartoon needs to do that where the dick is like a comedian with a microphone. You know what I mean?

I'm telling great jokes out here. My dick is – you're going to be okay with my dick because of these jokes that I'm getting off during appetizers. But yeah, don't make no mistake. It ain't perfect. If it's perfect, the last word you want to hear about your dick is perfect. Maybe just like small.

Shitty dick. Other than that, you do not want to hear perfect. You don't want to hear, it's like, where is it? Is it in yet? Perfect. That's the line of three. And you find me in number three, baby. Is it in yet perfect that's that's the line of three and you find me in number three baby is it in yet you ever hear that i've never heard that that feels perfect that feels like that feels like something that's not real i can't movie trope that would be like a fucking i mean like i'm sure it can be micro like uh but but even if i also think it can't

have happened really because a girl would have to be brutally unaware of like what to do and not to do. You know what I mean? To say that to someone is fucked up. It's insanity. Yeah. Like you might it might even be a micropenis and you might not know if it's in or not. To say that to someone is just mean. Let the little fella hammer away down there for a minute.

Thank God for oral sex. Thank God oral sex is a thing. Think about all the other guys with mediocre dicks who just, like, if there was no other way to make up for it, you know? Imagine if you just had your dick. Just had to work with my hips? Although I got good hips. Casey complimented my hips the other day, actually.

Oh, like the look of your hips? No. My fucking swaying ability here. Let's clarify this story before. Am I right, Nick? It was on radio. And I was dancing, and she's like, oh, wait, Vite's actually got good hips.

Let's make sure that's on the record. I got nice-ass hips, man. These things roll like Poseidon. Roll. Wow. You want a Greek god in the ocean? I mean. I don't know what's going on.

Let's clarify. I got up early this morning. I'm just in a good mood. You are ridiculous right now. Calling yourself the Greek god of the ocean. What a ridiculous. All right, here's a question for you, though. You want the bullshit of the ocean?

He is. I tried it. Tsunami's coming. Since you opened this door, I'm going to walk through it. Okay. When you're fucking, are you like rolling you opened this door, I'm going to walk through it. When you're fucking, are you like rolling on it? Yeah, I roll. Yeah, do you roll?

I'll do like a, not a roll, but like a, I guess a swivel. Swivel? I can't swivel. I can swivel. I don't think you roll as much as you think you do. I want to choke you dead in the eye while I roll. Please don't. Please don't. Please don't.

Please don't. I'm staring you. I'm looking right down on the barrel, bitch. Right into my soul. Fidelberg looked through my eyes down to my dick as he was rolling on him. Mama rolling that body.

I mean, this is so uncomfortable. I don't think you're rolling as much as you think you're rolling. I roll, motherfucker. I think, because you have a perfect penis, you can't roll. I can roll. Because I think you need like a mandingo because it's coming all the way out if you're really rolling. Yeah, it is.

I'm rolling. So you're rolling. You're coming completely out of her pussy. No, not completely out. Like tips still somewhat in? I mean, you probably have a bigger dick than you're letting on then. If you can really roll all the way out and all the way back in and keep it connected. I'm like a fat guy doing the worm on the dance floor.

Your body is a dance floor. Your body is a dance floor. Can I tell you what's even worse about what's going on in my mind right now? Do you know what I think of when I hear fat guy doing the worm? Frank the Tank. Frank the Tank doing a Miami Dolphins victory worm. Because that's probably, you know what, Nick, for the promo clip, we're going to do like a, it's like a guy,

it's like a what you think you are versus what you really are. You think that you're like Scotty Too Hotty doing the worm and you're Frank the Tank when you're rolling like Poseidon on your poor fucking girlfriend. That woman, speaking of charitable contributions, what a charity case from her. She's like, I gotta go have sex with my boy. He's gonna

roll like Poseidon on me. He's gonna flop around like Frank the Tank on top of me. Heavens to motherfucking Betsy. This is... How do we go from the... See this is what the Kardashians do. Impressive fucking family who inspire the creativity and inspire conversation like this.

Jesus Christ on the cross. Want to talk about gender reveals? Yeah, fuck those people. A lot of things come and go, you know, especially nowadays on the internet. Like Karen was a funny phrase, and we beat that to death. Living rent-free inside your head, we put that one in the dirt. These things, they come and go fast. The Yankees season.

The Yankees being a winning franchise. Actually, that didn't come and go quickly. That took about like 120 years, but it's over now. They're done, and certainly this season came and went for them but when it comes to nutrition you don't need fads you need facts here's a fact for you collagen is the single most abundant protein in your body and all i need more apparently i need more collagen it holds everything together holds your bones together your muscles and your tendons and your hair and your skin and your nails and even your gi tract i clearly don't have enough collagen because my body's falling apart.

Apparently, once you hit your mid-20s, collagen production slows down, and that's how you get lines and wrinkles and decreased mobility. Yo, I am slow, and I was never quick at all. But when I'm playing with my kids, I'm like, oh, by the way, let me ask you this question. How many chuggas? Because I heard you have a horrible answer. Clearly 12.

That's not as bad as I, I mean, that's a terrible answer. I thought for some reason you had an odd number. If you say an odd number, you're crazy. No, it's 12. Chugga-chugga. 12 I actually came around on. It's four. It's actually two chugga-chuggas.

The fact that we're even talking about individual chuggas is the problem. It's chugga-chugga. It's chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, choo-choo. But what you're talking about is when a train is completely stationary and getting going, then it's 12. It's all about the buildup. Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. No, no, no, no.

You're doing it wrong. Choo-choo! No, no, you're doing it wrong. You're doing them too fast. You're doing it wrong. No, that's the correct iteration. But the point is I'm a stationary train. I am a stationary train that needs to get going

and I have slow mobility. I have slow recovery and clearly I don't have enough collagen in my body. Collagen is something that we're such stupid people. Definitely. Definitely. But like women have been preaching the good word of collagen forever. I never even consider taking it until Bubz put it in protein. I know. Like, oh, I got a little something masculine

there. Right. Now I'm a tough guy. Now I'm tough. There's a lot of collagen products out there, but in terms of excellence, Bubz has cornered the market. It's 100% sustainably sourced, grass-fed, pasture-raised peptides that you can put into your protein and get your collagen on. Your joints will thank you, and your skin will thank you, and your ability to bend and get your collagen on. Your joints will thank you and your skin will thank you and your ability to bend and flex pain-free. So your girlfriend will thank you when you're out here

rowling like Poseidon. Hey, baby, my collagen is flexing on you tonight. Ho. Go to bubsnaturals.com. It's B-U-B-S naturals.com. Promo code KFC and get 20% off your first order of collagen. Your whole body will thank you. As it stands today, as we record this right now,

10,000 acres burned down in California due to the gender reveal pyrotechnics. And I think... Wait, what'd you say? Sorry. 10,000 acres. Oh, acres. I. 20,000 displaced. 20,000 people displaced. 10,000 acres burned down because of a gender reveal that used a pyrotechnics display.

And I think... I mean, that kid... That kid is probably marred by... There might be some final destination shit. That kid's life is probably going to be fucked. If there's any sort of

karma or kismet or anything in this world, I think bad things are going to happen to that family and that kid because of this. I think it's Northern California, right? It's hippie motherfuckers? I think San Francisco

is orange, but I think this was down south. I think this was like LA. Oh, I forgot south is... I forgot San Francisco is... Yeah, that always fucks me. What a bunch of bullshit. Yeah. Whatever.

California fucking... The fucking point. So goddamn long. They're hippies anyway. I don't give a shit. Yep. They're all hippies, and they're probably going to name them some fucking name like Eternal.

Yeah. This is the Eternal Flame. Yeah. They're going to lean into this you think i guess that's the move i would like i burned down half the state for you son okay so many parents what did my parents do for me fucking got me a fucking first of all no gender reveal still don't know really john didn't have a gender reveal at the age of 33. It took a long time to figure it out. Still a fucking flip of the coin. All because I didn't get a goddamn gender reveal.

If your parents just did some pink or blue shit, your whole thing might have been different. I'd understand everything about the world at this point. You would probably dress different, act different, live different if it was just like, I'm a boy. I'm a big boy. Pinocchio over here. He doesn't even know if he's a real boy yet. 32 years in. They fucking didn't have a gender reveal party for me.

They fucking got me a hand-me-down crib, put me in a stupid fucking apartment with a fucking bottle of beer, and that's it. That was me. You re-put yourself. I was left with just strangers all the time. What? Yeah. Oh. What?

Just weird babysitters. I mean,. Oh, just weird babysitters. I mean, not strangers. They're babysitters. But they were strangers. They weren't going on checking websites. They were on the sidewalk being like, who wants to watch this fucking thing? And then they'd leave me with that person. Bro, I used to run babysitters out of town.

Yeah. There was this woman. Oh, yeah, Kevin. So did I. There was Mrs. Corwin. Yeah. I trapped them in my basement. I literally tortured women.

When I was like a baby, though, I used to do this thing where I would cry so much I would pass out. I would turn blue. My eyes would roll back on my head, and I would go unconscious for like a quick matter of seconds. I don't know, 10, 20, 30 seconds, whatever. And it got to the point where my parents were like, I'd be at parties, and the baby's crying. And they'd be like, ah, call 911. And my mom and dad would be like, he's fine. He'll wake up in a minute.

But I used to cry so, so much that there was this woman across the street from us, Mrs. Carmine or Carmody, something like that. Carm something. And she was like, I'm sorry. I can't do it anymore. Like, I cannot babysit your child. She was our neighbor, too. So it was very like, oh, I got to run out real quick. Like, do you mind watching him? And she was like, no, I'm sorry. I can't do it anymore. I cannot babysit your child. She was our neighbor, too, so it was very like, oh, I got to run out real quick. Do you mind watching him?

And she was like, no. I'm out. I will not. I cannot do this anymore. I respect that. It's probably a hard conversation to have. Yeah. I mean, and so that's how long it took to have that conversation.

I wanted to do it like a year earlier, and she did, and eventually she was just like, nope, cannot do it. But those are our childhoods. If we were given this grand entrance to the world. This king's welcome, really. Burned down, yeah. This is like scorched earth. Like, see, I think it's one of two things. I think either this baby is like a Damien baby, like it's possessed by Satan himself,

and the flames of eternal damnation are like welcoming him into this world and he's going to be like death and destruction will follow him everywhere he goes which sounds like a bad thing unless you lean into it i would name this kid grim he's the grim reaper grim middle name reaper last name jones whatever grim jones and he if he leans into it he's just like yes i am a harbinger of death like do, do not fuck with me. And then he might be like a CEO or an athlete or something. But sure. Well, for it to be either of those, you have to be.

So if you're going to go big or go home, you're going to do something. Do it right. If he runs around town being like, oh, my God. Like when I came into this world, my parents killed fucking tons of animals and displaced 20,000 people. Oh, no. He used to be like, displaced 20,000 people. Oh, no. He used to be like, fuck, yeah. Yeah. Own it. Own this fucking gender reveal fire.

I think gender reveal parties are getting a bad rap over this. You think it's coming back around? I think it's time to have gender reveal parties. Mandatory. I mean. What a take. I mean. What a take.

Sometimes we get accused of being contrarian. This might be the pinnacle of it. Right now, everybody hates gender reveals. Everybody hates this kid and this family. We are wishing him and predicting him great success, and you are saying, let's do more gender reveals. I think you've got to do it. I think everyone's got to do it.

It's just something that has to happen. Look, as parents, you decide absolutely everything for your kids. You might as well just decide the gender, too. Tell them, right? People leave it open-ended. No, no, no, no, no. Boy. Girl.

That's what's happening. Boy, Catholic, Bruins fan. That's what I got. Well, I didn't get the boy part, but the other two. He looked under the hood like, I think it's a dick. It's a dick. Yeah. It's a dick, but we'll let him make his own choices.

They don't look well. Look, that's like me. Right? Honestly,. Yeah. We'll let him make his own choices. That's what I mean. Right? Honestly, if you let children think about it, think about it. Letting adults make their own decisions doesn't go right. Letting little children decide things for themselves is a catastrophe. I'll tell you what you are. If my dad had just told me I was a boy, I'd be a space astronaut by now.

A space construction worker by now. I'd be up on the ISS. No, no, no. So you wouldn't be. You would be homeless and a degenerate derelict because you would be trying to be an astronaut. Well, I could be an astronaut. No, you couldn't be. No, you couldn't be.

It's not that hard. The last thing on Earth you could be, literally, is an astronaut. I don't think so, man. The last profession. I could be an astronaut so easy. The last profession on Earth you could achieve, astronaut. I can't drive the plane, but... He called it a plane, folks.

He's so not an astronaut, he just called it a plane. I can't drive the shuttle. He said drive. You don't drive it, and it's not a plane. Whatever. Look, I can go to space. Could you imagine if it was Commander Feidelberg? Imagine if you had to respect him like he was the crew leader.

Fuck off. Oh, we'd have the worst crew. I'd be like, don't. Ever. Don't be nice to me. Don't worry about it. We're good. I don't need respect.

I don't need you to follow orders. Do whatever you want. You can fly the plane, right? Okay. I'm going to be out back because I don't know any of this shit. You can't even drive the plane. I'm just doing this whole thing to prove a point to my friend. He said I couldn't do it.

And my father. And my father, really. You're not mad at me. You're mad at your dad. Just take me up real quick, and we'll come back down, and we'll be all set, and I'll go back to the podcast. Bro, there's a scene in that new show away that I'm watching, Hillary Swank in space going to Mars. It's a good space show. It's nothing revolutionary.

It's, you know, we go to space. There's some drama at home on the planet earth that we didn't see coming there's international politics up there you know we've done this a million times before but there's a scene where hillary swank is doing like a spacewalk to repair something and and and my my palms were sweating man it was like the thought of doing those spacewalks where you might just float into the abyss yeah is one of the, like, that gives me anxiety. That does? One of the more powerful stories I ever read was in, like, third grade, about an astronaut

who gets, like, lost on a it's obviously not a real story, gets, like, falls off on a moonwalk or whatever the fuck it is. Because you just float until you die. He just floats until he dies, but he sees himself, he sees a rock coming at him. Or an asteroid, I suppose they call it in space. Yeah.

Let me drive the plane by the rocks. Go out back real quick. He's spinning, so he can't stop. That's the other thing, too. I don't think you just gently float away. I think you spiral. And he's just wondering if he's going to hit it with his back like a coward or hit it face on like a hero. And I was like, boy, that's a tough one.

I don't think it is. I think you go face first. Oh, I don't care either way. No, I don't think you want to be injured and spiraling to your death. I think you want to just smash your face and die. Oh, well, I think you die. If you get hit by an asteroid, Kevin. I think that one's...

Well, I mean, you characterize it as a rock well we're talking like a you know a gigantic celestial body that's gonna smash him yeah he's crashing into

oh so then in that case who cares he's a shit we used to I'll be honest he still sucks then John wrapped up in your toxic masculinity

he's spinning through I got a face just like a man fuck off man cut it right in my ass maybe but just you know I always wanted to explore that right before I died. I don't even know if I'm a boy or not.

My parents didn't throw me a gender reveal. Just blood blasphemy. Shove a big rock up my ass. Put that comet up my asshole. Do it like fucking medieval torture where they used to sit you on a pole. Shove an asteroid up my ass. That's how I want to go. I'll tell you how the sausage is made, folks.

We started this episode. We kind of started to come in hot we pressed pause we came back still it's hot still on that same trajectory and honestly it's just the kind of like it's just like before you got in here I was just talking about how tired I was and how like out of it I am I'll fucking turn it on I believe sometimes

somebody asked me the other day about like you always have to be on and that is one of the parts of this job that sucks. It's like as much as the Cube job sucks, there were days where I'd be like, I'm going to go to work and I'm not going to do a single thing. I'm going to turn the computer on. I'm going to steal money today. Absolutely. I'm going to be a thief. I'm going to turn the computer on.

I'm going to look at it. I'm not even going to, like, touch the keyboard or the mouse. And that was just like, you can do that. You can't do that here. And someone asked me about that kind of struggle or also if you're tired, if you're sick, if you're upset, anxious, you go through a tragedy, whatever. And I likened it to honestly sports. When people are like, how did Brett Favre play that Monday night football game after his dad died? I really feel like I could come in here and do the podcast under any circumstance. Yeah.

I could flip the switch and we could talk about comments going up our assholes for an hour and a half. And then we could like. I'm going to call my dad and tell him to kill himself right now. That's the real point. Yeah. While we're on the phone real quick. Just so I can.

All right. Yeah. Got it. Let's do it. Voicemails. But I really think like, and the cameras could cut off and then I would start like resume crying or whatever. But I think I could always, I could always do this podcast.

Yeah. You got the bright lights. it really is under the bright lights that are just in this room not like the bright lights of broadway or a stadium or anything just this room but i could do it um anyway back to space and then back to gender reveal gender reveals yeah what i would do and i don't want it to i don't want people to i don't want to i don't want you to confuse this with like i'm not gender, I'm not binary or I'm gender fluid or whatever but I would just start fucking with people with my gender reveal

I would invite everybody and I would piss them off by having to bring a gift and take their time and I would come and then the smoke would be like green and people would just be like I don't know what that means Green Goblin We are giving birth to Spider-Man's arch nemesis We're having the green goblin. I don't know what that means. What? Green goblin. He's not even human. Spider-Man's arch nemesis.

Just like, what if it was just smoke? Just like gray. I'm having a pope. We just let people guess. I do kind of like that, though. What do you think this means? What if you are, okay, so this kid we have said is going to be the son of Satan because of the flames that he's caused. What if the smoke, all right, green means you're going to make money. Gray means you're going to be the son of Satan because of the flames that he's caused. What if the smoke?

All right. Green means you're going to make money. Gray means you're going to be a pope. Purple. Purple means you're going to be. You're going to play with little penises. What a good portion of your life. You are on one today.

I don't know what this is. Everything you say is wildly inappropriate or completely off the rails. I love it. I don't know what's going on. I'm just here. I'm just serving them up. It's batting practice. I'm just serving them up as batting practice. I'm just serving them.

You're just hitting them out. Fucking boom. Asteroid on grass. Boom. Play with little dicks. Pow. Pedophilia. Like, whatever.

Let's do it. What's your stance on moving towns once you get caught being a pedophile? We have the job for you. Do you like bouncing around the Northeast? Join the clergy. Are you interested in seeing the main foliage turn this year and experiencing the beautiful Boston, the Charles River? Oh, man. When things go awry, we've got a job for you in Vatican City,

a city made of gold. You get caught fucking a kid, you get a promotion. We bring you into the inner circle. You ever pooped on a gold toilet? Fuck 15 kids again. Holy shit. This honestly feels like written material. This feels like John's doing an hour-long special.

This is incredible. This is maybe your perfect game. You are on one. Goodness. Unbelievable. Oh, how much pressure do you think there is to piss in a gold toilet? It's like, you lift the seat up or not? I'm not a seat lifter.

I fucking just wipe it when I'm done. I make more problems for the future rather than just solve it right there. I don't know if I could piss on gold. I could piss on gold. I don't think I'd get shit on it. I could piss on gold. I don't think I could shit on it. You don't think so? Yeah, no. I also, for some reason, I'm picturing it not having a lot of water.

It's almost like you're just peeing and shitting into the gold itself. When you're shitting in an airplane. Yeah. You just hear a thud. It's like a thwop. It's like someone just dropped a Chipotle burrito on the desk. You are taking some shits on an airplane, bro. You drop a Chipotle burrito on the desk. You are taking some shits on an airplane, bro. You drop a Chipotle burrito on a desk, that thing rattles.

Yeah, that sounds like fucking Cardi B dropping a baby. Oh, shit. Speaking of Cardi B and female rappers, Megan Thee Stallion, she got shot not too long ago. Tory Lanez was the culprit after much, there was a hubble-oo about what happened and what went on. Eventually it just came to light that he was mad at her and they were in a fight and he fucking shot her in the foot a bunch. And now he's finally addressing it. He said he's sorry. He said he's sorry, I was just drunk. was just drunk nope no no real apology just like my

bad i was drunk no like here's how i'm gonna fix that problem in the future but i also i appreciate you know usually it's like i'm gonna go to counseling or like i'm uh you know this is a problem i've had for a while and i'm uh my behavior is unacceptable and i'm going to address it just like i was drunk i'm not. I won't shoot anybody again. Right. And if I do, I'll shoot him in the foot. Who gives a... You can get away with it.

Sorry, I was drunk. Apology for the foot. It's like sending a text message. Like, sorry, I was drunk. But if I fucking fucked you, I'm sorry I was drunk doesn't really count. No. No.

But if I send a stupid text, like, whatever. Yeah. If I fucked you, sorry I was drunk, I don't know. You could probably get away with it there, too. I'd shoot you in the calf. What about that? Nah, it's good. Below her body, you're pretty much...

No, no, no. Below the knee. Below the knee. You shoot her in the leg, you're dead. You're dead. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, genital area and stuff. And then anything upper body, you know, you certainly can't get away with a drunk apology.

I could... Even arms. I'll go arms. You can extremities. Okay. Extremities. Except for that fucking dude, that Antifa dude who like just his whole bicep was gone. That wasn't, that wasn't great.

I didn't see that. The fucking, what's his name? Rittenhouse or whatever. Yeah. I think the guy he shot, I think he just blew off like his whole bicep. So I don't care for that. Anything below the knees and elbows. Hey, shoulders, knees and toes.

Bang to bang. She bangs. Boom., knees, and toes. Bang to bang, shabang to boom. I'm okay with that. Really, though, you have to honor in any whatever. You don't have to really forgive the person. You can't be like, sorry, I raped you. Sorry, I killed you. But, yeah, there's extreme things that you're not going to get the apology acceptance for. But I think you do have to respect that.

I was drunk. I'm sorry. That plays. It might not. Again, you don't have to accept it. It might not be good, but it's like it's better than a lie. If I said to you, why did you do that? It's like I was drunk.

Yeah, I was out of control. That's better to me than like, you know, I have issues and a moment of weakness or whatever. It's like I was impaired. I was intoxicated and I'm sorry for it. And I also think it's such like a I feel like it's like a college trope maybe where it's like drunk words or sober thoughts. Yeah. No, they're not. Most of the drunk shit I say is bullshit.

I think in some instances it is. But like, like, I don't want to shoot you. I think in some instances it is, but like I'm drunk, I shot you. I was out of control. If I'm drunk and I'm like, I've secretly been in love with you for 10 years and I don't want to be more than friends, there's probably some truth to that. I'm bad about 0 for 4 on that one.

Never works. Never works. I have hit that line a few times to really no response why'd you walk me down to the river to tell me this wow that is too specific to be made up

when you hear these things about John it all makes perfect sense if that happened to you one time if you walk a girl down to a river and you say I only did the river once hey you one time If you walk a girl down to a river And you say I've been in love with you I only did the river once It was like Hey you wanna go for a walk?

Alright Did you do the river the first time? No Did you do the river the second time? The third time? No River was probably third One was

I mean they weren't all drunk either One was just sober One was like AIM Like taped it Typed it out Fucking hard Big time Long paragraph

You press enter And you hear the door close. No, didn't even give me the respect of leaving. Just stayed online, didn't respond to it. She just minimized the box and went on ASL sexting the guy she actually likes. Yeah, didn't even fuck, like, at least be like, oh, I didn't even see that. I signed off, like, it was the timing was off. Nah, just stayed online, just chit-chatting with the gals.

The guys. It was probably other guys that she actually wanted to probably give a hand job too yeah so then you do it again i can respect the third time being like well i gotta do this like all right we're going to the river but the fourth time now i honestly i i just threw out over four i do think it was probably three three okay Okay. I would hope you stopped at 3. There definitely could have been other ones. I can definitively think of 3. And none of them ever reciprocated anyway. Not bad sex with all of them. Hey!

Shabuya! Shabuya! Shabuya! Roll call! Shabuya! Shabuya! Shabuya! Roll call!

Maybe we're not in love, but I'm rolling that body. None of it was ever until years later when I got a hot dog. They lowered their standards. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't a fucking black swan who got beautiful. No, definitely not. If anything, you're going off the gutter. Yeah, I'm the ugly one. You were a black swan.

Now you're an ugly white duck. That's really what you are. John, you're going off the duckling. Yeah, I'm the ugly duckling. You were a black swan. Now you're an ugly white duck. That's really what you are. John, you're an ugly duck. Like a white, round, feathery duck. With a big beak. Yeah, you got a big beak. You're pale as fuck. Not right now, but usually you'll be pale as fuck.

Give it a couple hours by the time this podcast is done. I'll be translucent again. Boy, between that and the breakup story where you chug the beer all over your face, I mean, it's a miracle you're not more fucked up. It all makes sense why you are as fucked up as you are, but it's a miracle you're not more fucked up. Yeah. Between

the heartbreak, the crazy girls, the breakups, I mean, you should be a serial killer. You should be addicted to cocaine and a serial killer for all of your exploits. I should be American Psycho. You really should. I look good in a suit. I might think about it. Thank God you are the most go-with-the-flow, indifferent guy. Otherwise

all of these things would... You legitimately should have been, could have been, and would have been a school shooter. No, I've never held a gun. I have no idea. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the mentality that's going on in your head, all the things you went through, all adds up to,

I'm going to shoot this school up. I liked my school, though. I liked the people in it. Thank God. Thank God. Otherwise, you would have went Rittenhouse on them. Dude, between you and my therapist yesterday, I'm getting a lot of, it all makes sense now.

That was most of yesterday's uh session i think that's um uh like a good i think that's like um what's the word i was gonna say satisfied not satisfying like relief i think it's a relief i don't care no no i told her as much i'm i don't need to know why i am the way i am i don't have that engineering brain but don't you think it can then lead to fixing it like if a therapist is like I don't know what's going on here then they don't even have a path to take to fix it

next session she's going to be like alright for people who went through this and are fucked up like this now that I know what's going on we do this yeah I guess we'll see and the answer is just pharmaceuticals just to numb the activity up here We do this. Yeah, I guess. We'll see. And the answer is just pharmaceuticals. Just to numb the activity up here. That's all it comes down to. I've told her no drugs, so I'm just going to keep wasting away my money.

I was going to say, so she's probably like, okay, I'm just going to cash this fucking check. I know the answer. He doesn't want to hear it. It's like my lawyer when I told him to not play hardball with a divorce. Well, you're going to lose that. Well, we're not going to fix this mental health problem then, pal. Sorry. Anywho.

Gender reveals. We're back in on gender reveals. No, no, no. We've changed topics. What did we do? We're on Megan Thee Stallion. Oh, right. Anyway, don't shoot people.

But if you do, say sorry because you were drunk. If you're drunk, it happens. All right. So then it's time to get into Am I the Asshole? It's brought to you by our girl, Erica Fleischman. Oh shit husband lee i gotta go see you girl and fleishman salon i just said the other day that i would hide a body for you and i mean it i would create a body for you i'll kill someone for fleishman salon because erica reached out in 2013 and was like dude you're ugly and you're getting married.

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Sons Like a Son of a Bitch is great. It's great marketing. Yeah, it does. It gets like, there's like a thickness to when you're, just stop. Just stop. S-L-A-S-O-B. That's a lot harder than saying Sons Like a Son of a Bitch. Slob.

It's a slob. Just stick with damn good haircuts, all right? It gets this thickness when you start lathering it up. It feels like... It's like WAP for your hair. It's macaroni in a pot. Got that sudsy-ass hair. It's the hair paste.

I did the hair paste. Just stop it! The hair cream and paste, it does this thing. I did it on Friday Night Pints, too. Like, my hair will be a mess, right? And then I, like, get on my hair, and I just kind of do, like, a shoo, and it just, like, it just takes control of it. It's like the general walks into the building. Attention!

Everyone's fucking ready to go. It works, and it stays, and that's if you put a little sea salt spray in your hair. The sea salt's going to be big in the coming months because there's no more ocean. Well, I didn't realize, too, by the way. Well, it's still an ocean. I know it's sea salt. And I was like, okay, this mimics like your hair at the beach. But I haven't been to the beach in a long time.

I went to the beach the other day. And I got out of the ocean and I came out and I was like, shit, it's like exactly when I use the sea salt spray. Because it is just salt water. I get it. But it really does mimic that when you walk off the beach sort of vibe. Gets a little grittiness to it. A little grittiness. You get that like kind of like tick tocky hair going where it's all flopping and flowing.

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We get it. You live in, like, I don't know, Iowa. You're like, I don't know how to spell that. I don't know these names. F-L-E-I-S-C-H-M-A-N.com, salon.com, and use the promo code KFC. Get the entire hair care line for 20% off. Then you get the subscription. Get it sent to you regularly on a monthly basis.

I don't even know which one to recommend. If you only had to get one. That's a good question. I think at the end of the day, the most important thing. The sea salt spray is a nice extra. And it's the most unique thing. So if you want to go for something like that, fine. The shampoo and conditioner is going to give you the smell.

Which I think is really important. It's all got the smell, though. Yeah, but the shampoo can get it in there. I think at the end of the day, though, the hair, I use the hair paste, but the hair cream, too. The hair cream comes in the bottle, and I think you can just use it for a little touch-up, but the hair paste is what's going to give you the look.

At the end of the day, the look's what matters. It can look shiny because of the shampoo. That's good. It can smell good. Girls and guys, everyone's going to love that. The sea salt spray is going to be something like, oh, you don't use sea salt spray? You fucking poe bitch.

But to me, you need to get the look, and that's why the paste is the main attraction, if you ask me. But get it all. Just fucking get it all. It's very affordable. You get a huge discount. It's one of these things. I mean, same thing with when you go to her salon to get a haircut.

It's like your hair is attached to your head, to your face. Make sure you get all of it. None of it's expensive, but spend the money to get everything. It's like you would buy, you'd spend more on a shirt that you wear, like, I don't know, every couple weeks. You'd probably spend more on a shirt than all of this stuff combined. Absolutely. And then you would wear it maybe, you know, once a month or whatever.

Or you rip it. You get a stain on it. You just throw it out. You lose it. This is every day, bro. So, do yourself a favor. Look good. And get your confidence up.

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the whole URL though, right at the top, it says shop. Just click it and use promo code KFC for 20% off. Am I the the asshole we got a couple doozies for you motherfuckers for everybody out there who basically is an asshole uh we will begin with i'm 36 male i'm gonna build up in my mind i'm thinking um okay this guy is an asshole. This guy is the bigger asshole. This is the most diabolical.

All right. 36-year-old male. I catfished my wife, 37, by pretending to be Jason Matsoukas. Jason Matsoukas. Rafi from the league. We've had him on the show before. Great guy. Funny cat.

The title makes me sound like a terrible person. I wouldn't say that. I mean, it sounds a little weird, a little suspect, but terrible person in today's world? Terrible people are like shooting your bicep off and stuff. Like, relax. Don't beat so hard on yourself. My wife and I were joking around about our celebrity... Oh, maybe. Okay.

Now I see where this is going. You maybe are a horrible person. Joking around about our celebrity crushes and our hall pass celebrities. Mine was Beyonce, who I'm obviously never going is going. You maybe are a horrible person. Joking around about our celebrity crushes and our Hall Pass celebrities. Mine was Beyonce, who I'm obviously never going to meet. Hers was Jason Matsoukas. Listen, I love Jay. Girls, we've got to aim a little higher. I mean.

If he's picking Beyonce, you've got to pick Brad Pitt, Leo DiCaprio, Ryan Reynolds, Jason Matsoukas. Great sense of humor, but that's not what the Hall Pass is about. No, I respect her move here. You think it's attainable? It's attainable. Well, we'll find out exactly why this is great sense of humor. That's not what the whole I respect her move here. You think it's attainable? Well, we'll find out exactly why this is a problem, though. I was like, that's weird. I would expect Hemsworth or some of that.

But then she was like, yeah, we went to the same college. Oh, boy, this is going to get really bad. OK, you are a bad person. Same college, Middlebury, but 10 years apart. She said that whenever events open up again, she might go to a reunion and meet Jason Matsoukas. So now she's an asshole too, because she is telling you, I picked a person that I'm going to find and fuck.

Yeah, like I will see this man at a bar shortly. That's like just being like, who's my hall pass? Like that girl right over there at the bar. See you later. I couldn't tell if she was kidding, and this is starting to feel a little too real. I created a fake Middlebury alum email address and emailed her about a new program for Middlebury alums to mentor each other.

I told her she was assigned to Jason Matsoukas. She was thrilled, and so I've been exchanging emails with her. This is crazy. With her as Jason Matsoukas. I was incredibly sad to see how flirtatious it got fast. My wife isn't really very sexually active. I thought I said attractive. I was like, boy, everyone's a dick.

My wife is really not very sexually active with me, so lust got the better of me. I've been sending her headless nudes of some hairy-looking guy I found on Google, and she's been sending nudes back, so she's kind of having an affair. I know this sounds insane, but I kind of want to go with it, as this is the most sexual I've been with my wife in a while. I'm just spit everywhere. Heavens. It's a bit soul-crushing, though,

because I'm pretending to be Jason Mantzoukas. Is it absolutely necessary I fess up? I got to apologize to the audience. I said I was going to try to build up. I did not know this was going to go there. This would clearly have been the gold medal We're on the bronze right now But this is insanity

Yo, I don't care if you're the asshole or not Whatever I'm not here to Go kill yourself right now If the most sexually active human being with your wife In years Is pretending to be Jason Manzoukas While she sends back pictures of her finger fucking herself

You got another thing coming. You gotta fix that. John, I've been there, bro. Wait. I've been in a place where if this was occurring, it would have been the most action I was getting. I've never done it. I'm just saying.

I thought we had a big reveal coming. No. Imagine. It's like, it's me. This is a personal story. I was in a situation. I'll tell you this much. I wish I handled it this way instead of the way I did.

Probably would have been a fight and an awkward conversation, but awkward aversion led me down a much worse path. But I know it sounds crazy, but I can sympathize. I'm not going to say I get sounds crazy but i can sympathize i don't know i'm not gonna say i get it but i can sympathize when you are in a drought like that for a long pro for a prolonged period of time and there's no end in sight you know i was just like well this is it's gonna be like this forever uh you maybe start sexting as jason manzoukas to google i mean that guy probably googled like hairy headless ind naked. Indian man. Yeah. I don't know what Manzoukas' background is.

That's close enough. It seems like he's got that kind of tone of skin. It would look like that. This is either the most flattering. No, it's definitely Greek. There's Manzoukas. Yeah, I should have figured that one out. Mediterranean, let's do. This is either the most flattering or disrespectful thing that's ever happened to Jason Manzoukas.

I can't tell. We'll have to add him on this one maybe we'll get his we'll get his response um i mean first of all everyone's the asshole like she is you can't pick it but it wasn't a fucking hall pass no hall pass is like my fucking hall pass is president barack obama like i's. My hall pass is the asteroid. One, nine, six, two, three. It's going to go on my ass. Like, you can't have an attainable hall pass. That takes away all the fun of a hall pass. I agree.

But in the, in the, in, in, within the rules of the game, she picked that as her hall pass. He said, that's a little weird, but he agreed to it. And so technically she's, she is an asshole, but she's technically with playing within the rules of hall pass yeah i mean what he should have said was what you just said like no that's too attainable pick someone else but he agreed to it that's a binding hall pass probably that's a binding hall pass agreement and so now technically she's not breaking any rules whereas you are being a psychopathic liar i mean you're like you're the asshole bro you're the huge asshole here she's an asshole this is a eta everyone's the asshole yeah eth everyone's the asshole here yeah yeah this is

everyone's the asshole this girl has like an asshole and he's belladonna yeah just you can see in i feel like with belladonna you could look in there and see like her spinal cord like you could see like her vertebrae through that so uh but I'll tell you in all seriousness you need to just get a divorce because either you tell her the truth and that's

you you might say that you can work through this you can't work through being catfished as Jason Matsoukas yeah that's like the fucking uh the pina colada song in real life yeah okay bro that's not how it goes no you don't fucking both create Match.com accounts and then see each other and be like, oh my God, I didn't know you liked Pina Coladas. Let's fuck again. No.

No. It's over. It's over. No, it's a total, it's a wrap, or you keep it a secret, and then that just eats at you, and you just, every time you look at her, you're like. And then you do the suicide that I started with. Yep. Yeah.

So either way, so I would say break up with them, or you're going to kill yourself. Pick one. Whichever one sounds more appealing. Divorce or suicide. That might be the wildest one we've ever done. It's crazy. It's crazy. I'd also love to read these emails.

Wait a minute. You think that this is one of those fake ones, though? I just thought of that. Why? Because, I mean, it's that far-fetched. It's awesome, though. No. I believe in something, man.

I don't do that fake stuff story. Fake story stuff. Okay. Fuck it. It's real, man. It's real to me. All right. It's still real to me, damn it.

A truth that brings a smile. A lie. A truth. A lie that brings a smile or a truth that brings a tear. The hell is that? It's a fucking phrase, bro. Just think about it. It's a lie that brings a tear. The hell's that? It's a fucking phrase, bro. Just think about it. It's stupid.

It's a lie that brings a tear or a truth. Fuck. It's a truth that brings a tear or a lie that brings a smile. Santa Claus. Miracle on 34th Street. Sounds stupid. It's literally exactly what you just said. Believe in it.

Believe in it because it makes you happy versus telling the truth and being sad. Nah. That, you just tried, you were coming up with these stupid acronyms and dumb phrases that were too hard to say versus this one just, it perfectly captures what you're trying to say. Don't ruin an entertaining story with the truth. How about that? That's harder to say

than a truth that brings a tear or a lie that brings a smile. You fumbled over this five times already. Well, I'm an idiot. I'm just looking through the comments here to see if anybody, uh, you know what? Somebody,

I don't like, I don't like the people who comment about, am I the asshole? They always say things like this for fuck's sake. Why can't people just speak to their partners? Why don't you just speak up? Uh, cause it's the hardest thing in the world.

It is literally when, once you, yes yes perfect in a perfect world every single time something comes up you should bring it up nip it in the bud and grow and the relationship you have once you've reached this point where it's like we haven't fucked in so long and i feel rejected but i don't want to bring it up because it's awkward and i kind of resent you for it why don't you want to fuck me i'm sure you feel the same way but you won't say i mean that's not an easy thing to just be like why don't you speak up it's not just like oh i wanted pizza for dinner instead of chinese food we're talking about like deep issues

where you're talking about someone's personality flaws and shit like that this is this is the person who i've spent my entire life being as perfect as possible in front of and now i have to show them weakness not really what i've been practicing right i've been i've been putting on a front so that she likes me for the longest time, since day one, and now all of a sudden I have to be myself? Yeah, sure. That's easy to say. It's not easy to do. Possible to do.

Fuck off. All right. Next, am I the asshole? I promise the other ones are good, too, though. They're just not as good as that. This guy sucks so much. So much. Am I the asshole for getting angry with my girlfriend?

Am I the asshole for getting angry? My girlfriend is wasting my power words on her friends. Excuse me? Yes. 30-year-old male. I've been dating my girlfriend, Jean, 21, for a year now. Now that matters. 30-year-old male, 21-year-old female. It gets even more pathetic because of that. Part of what I love about her most is that she's so supportive of me. I'm stuck in a dead-end job, really unhappy with

where I am at life currently. So getting to hear her talk me up and tell me how awesome I'm doing is probably one of the few things that actually gets me through the day, which is great. You know, that's that's awesome. When she tells me I'm great, I call those power words because knowing someone as hot, successful and cool as she thinks and that she thinks I'm doing good really gets me fired up. Recently, we got together with a Zoom meeting with some of our friends. One of our friends, Trish, was mentioning that she was nervous for a driving exam, which is like you're hanging out with children, bro. So Jean was trying to reassure her, which would be fine, except she was using the exact same phrasing she uses when she's powering me up. I got really upset and stayed quiet for the rest of the movie.

When she asked what was wrong, I told her the truth. I feel like she shouldn't be wasting my power words on other people. I need the most, and when she says things like, oh, I think you're the most incredible guy ever, and then goes and tells her friend that she thinks she's incredible, it's really disheartening. It makes you feel like nothing she says is real. I've got a big project at work coming up,

and now I can't get hype because I know whatever she tells me is meaningless. I just feel like I'm really hurt by her saying platitudes that were meaningless so I feel betrayed. If you have a phrase for power words don't tell me you agree with this. Oh no. Oh okay. You paused for a second and I was like don't you do it to me. No of course not.

I think maybe if I were someone I would just date someone with a larger vocabulary. Maybe date an adult with someone who knows words that have incredible and great. More importantly, though, I don't know. Yeah, your girl's not a fucking thesaurus, and you don't own words, man. You can be incredible to your girlfriend, and so can the macaroni and cheese she ate for dinner. You do not own words.

Louis C.K. has a bit about that. He was at dinner, and he hated how like he heard young people like describing a burger as awesome he's like really that inspired awe that's like he's like that so what are you gonna do when god comes down what are you gonna say wasted it on a burger right i don't get it's all awesome power words it's all awesome baby it's all incredible it's all great bro when i fucking hit a green light that's awesome awesome amazing when i get a blow job awesome when i do great at work awesome it's so they all mean the same thing they all get me the same exact little excited honestly everything you just described of zero everything

you just described the green light's the best yeah when you're driving in manhattan too and you get those greens baby oh man literally forget about the blowjob. I will come from that. When it just goes like, and you time it, you're driving. If you're on the West Side Highway, you've got to drive about like 30, like 8 miles per hour. Because if you go too fast, you've got to do the stop. You've got to time it right, and then you just breeze, baby. You feel like you're in a fucking futuristic video game. Because you're really kind of encapsulated by the buildings.

But you're also on this fucking runway. And it's fucking amazing. I obviously don't experience it much. I recently had a car in the city for like a week. Or going down like Fifth Avenue. It's one thing on the west side highway, the east side. The east side doesn't have any lights. But when you're on Fifth Avenue or any of these avenues.

It's amazing. It's awesome. And then rent you'll have a string of greens and then one red and then more greens ahead of it and it's like what's this red doing here makes you want to just blow right so i just run that bitch just trying to sound cool using the power word um the uh this guy though i mean for a 21 year old girl to be like even first of all to even really be relying on her i mean it is i can relate in the sense i had a girl who like was very complimentary of me like in bed and the way i looked and shit that i was like come on but it did like really

seem genuine and i was kind of like man this chick is like she really thinks like i'd be like i am like skinny fat and gross and she'd be like no she wouldn't be like you're fucking like your body's hot but she'd be like you're totally fine you know what i mean and but then i do that part right on the ground huh yeah she was gassing up she'd be like you're totally fine i felt like a fucking king when i walked out of there but then she would tell me have you ever had this where it's like all right you know that that girl thinks you're hot. But then she tells me like a celebrity or someone else that she thinks is good looking. And I'm like, oh, well then that negates like everything.

What do you mean? Like she, I can't, I don't remember who exactly, but like she would say a celebrity that I think is like gross, is hot. And then I was like, well, now I'm rethinking everything. You think I'm as hot as that ugly celebrity right no thanks exactly but i was like if you thought if you find that attractive then you're like baseline here is way off so i can't take it well i think that's like a genuine

taste she just has weird taste she likes she likes funny looking people that's what i mean yeah i'm funny looking but it's like it's just no, I'm not saying that she, like, I don't believe her. I'm saying that I convinced myself I was good looking because this hot chick said nice things about me, but then she also said that about, like, this, like, kind of, like, fat, like, celebrity or some shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. I wish I could remember who.

I'm trying to think of who it was where I was like, that guy? You think he's hot? And then, so me and him are in the same boat? That's the ugly boat. You just think that ugly people are hot. That's your problem. You just dropped under your head as a kid. That's all that matters.

Yeah, you're just backwards. Do you know what hot means? Do you know what ugly means? Maybe you're just backwards here. Have you heard of symmetry? What's your deal? What's wrong with you? But there is nice.

It is nice to get gassed up yeah and that that part of it is really is like that part i actually think that the that is a important part of a relationship i like getting gassed up like a 21 year old probably has the like the most energy to gas you up because they don't have their own shit going on but if a 21 year old was gassing me up i'd be like shut the fuck up and go watch rocket power agreed it's got to come from the right it's got to come from the right so my buddy uh his wife uh was a you don't even know what you're talking about you idiot yeah you're just dumb right you i appreciate you have the energy to give me the words i don't have the respect for you to listen to them you don't even that's really that you don't even know what great is you fucking idiot that really

you have a zoom class go when you when you date young that's really what it's all about you have energy but i don't have respect for you like you have the energy and i have the like stability uh but i don't have respect for you and you don't think i'm cool like that's really how young and old relationships work my buddy's wife wife was an officiant at a wedding recently, and she is getting requests from other people to do their weddings now. And he told me that she was like, can you believe this? And he was like, no, I can't. I mean, you did all right. It wasn't anything special.

It's like, God damn. I mean, you made solid contact, but you didn't hit it out of the park and and he was like and this is i long for this this is like they're my gold standard relationship if i could have a marriage like these two i would because he was you know it was like she was like yeah you're right like it was like it was over i was okay like there wasn't like i can't believe you said that she didn't go and make an mi the asshole post she was just like yeah you told me the truth I I was okay at it uh but but power words man power words if you really need them from your 21 year old girlfriend you got bigger problems you know last am I the asshole here this is a doozy this is more of the the

reddit relationship not the am I the asshole me 20 year old male and my friend 23 year old male think our girlfriends might be the same person. Now I can't understand if this means like they think they're dating the same girl or if there's like two separate girls and they're just very similar. How are you? Same guy. Same girl. Yeah.

A little context. I'm 20, 20, he's 23. My girlfriend is 19. Uh, Oh no. So it's two different people. My girlfriend's page, his girlfriend is 19. Uh, Oh no. So it's two different people.

My girlfriend is page. His girlfriend's Maya. All this takes place in an online discord. Same person. Okay. All right. Where we all became friends. Kevin introduced me to discord.

I introduced Maya. My introduced page, Kevin and Maya started dating before I started talking to page a few months later, page and I started dating page and Maya looks similar, have a similar household and share more similarities than that. That's got to be something about their pussy or something, right? A month or two ago, Paige and Maya both got their phone taken away

at the same time for the same duration. Me and Kevin had a chat about it since we were both pretty much in the same boat, and we realized they had a lot more in common than we thought. We both laughed it off. Recently, in the last six weeks, Kevin's girlfriend, Maya, stopped talking to him as much, so him and other mutual friends started digging into the personal information. Turns out that they might be the same person.

And to confirm it, they asked me for some pictures of Paige. Aside from them looking very similar, there were a large amount of similarities. So let's see. The paint on the wall, the placement of the door, the step ladder near the doorway, and a painting over the bed. What more do you need than that? Jesus fucking Christ. Were you in a DNA test?

Are you a fucking CSI jury? Like, oh, no. Where's the blood? Where's the evidence? What are you talking about, bro? Yeah, we're not in a court of law to prove a murder here. All I needed was the step ladder. You got a step ladder in your bedroom?

Same person. You both have it? You what? You've been afflated. You got a step ladder? You page. Another set of it you what you've been athletic you got a step ladder you page uh another set of pictures same sink material hooks over the door towel rack across from the sink same phone case i sent a voice recording of page he said it sounds like maya they both have similar voice habits like an open mic screaming what to their parents clearing their throat in the middle of singing one of the strangest aspects is that maya had a profile of some girl from instagram not very popular but a good 1.5

000 followers maya claims to not have facebook or follow i mean this is going on and on uh page has been okay so i guess they they so i go to confront page about it but she vehemently denies it but she says that she and maya used to have a small thing between them so maya has some pictures of page that were sent to kevin well i mean to try to spin your way out of that lie to not just be like hand up i'm caught i respect that sorry steve puss going down with this yeah i used to date her i had pictures of her that's why we had it on the phone kevin kevin's perspective is extremely convincing and there's a mountain of evidence against them. I received a lot more pictures.

Paige has been extremely apologetic, trying to convince us that she's just as confused as we are, and she's scared of what's happening. I don't know how to process all this. The two conclusions I was able to draw were that either Paige and Maya are the same person, or that Maya is a catfish and was catfishing page at one point and then began to catfish Kevin afterwards. So obviously these are all people. This is all just online, right? You're not meeting anybody. So you're all assholes. All of them.

I mean, you are so. Actually, the girl's not in my mind. She's just a catfish. She's just playing two assholes. She got caught and she's like, I can still talk my way out of this because you two are assholes. This is why I'm so lucky that I've never, like, never really been a big texter or – I guess I fucked with AIM for a while. But after that, I was never a big Facebook messenger, never an emailer because, like, I just –

this trap's impossible to fall into. I cannot have extensive conversations with you just texting. I don't care. I don't care. I will do something else. I'm on the opposite of that. I can text all conversations with you just texting. I don't care. I don't care. I will do something else. I'm on the opposite of that. I can text all day and night long. Last night was probably the longest we texted in a long time. We had a big text going last night.

It was like five texts long. That's not a big text to you? No, that's what I mean. I can go all night long. I got to the point where I was apologizing because we were watching a show and I was like, sorry, I'm talking to Kevin. I'm always alone, so I'm just like, I'll talk to you. Please text me.

Come on. Please. But, like, I mean, it's just people who, like, fall in love with someone they're just text communicating with, I'll never understand it. I'll never understand catfish. I'll never understand, like, being heartbroken over, like, someone you used to text sometimes. Like, I can form zero emotional connection with you if all we do is i can do that i can do that i think if you i can't do the like um the last person i've formed an emotional connection with via text was big cat on gchat it can happen yeah i guess like that's like i guess on gchat

we used to cut but you have to know there's a, if you just meet them online or like a Discord or whatever and you're primed for a catfish, then that's weird. But if it's like, I know you or like I've seen you, even though I've just like seen like your Instagram, I have to know there's some sort of real human behind it. And then when I'm talking to you, you i can to me that's like the same i can have as much of a connection like talking to you as i am texting to you as long as i've like maybe met you before or know there's some sort of i can't be guessing are you a man are you a woman do i you know are you real are you the same person if it's like you set me up with someone or something and then i'm texting them a lot i could i could connect like that see i'm the exact i i it's actually it probably has a connection to or uh yeah a connection to uh school like you could write all the shit in the world you want on the chalkboard you can

make me read all shit in the world you wanted i'm a visual learning i gotta i gotta be up in it i gotta i gotta you gotta have a fun lesson plan for me to even give a shit what a pain in the ass you are i can't just fucking sit there and read text and learn it's just not gonna happen i gotta fucking i gotta get up in the guts i gotta i gotta hold your hand i gotta feel your hair i gotta it's gotta be something real to me before i can understand that you know what i think it is for me though like i moved when i was a kid a bunch so like i met jay hay and my buddy wheeze and then i moved and we did like aim like i kept in touch with those guys for like I mean we're still friends to this day like 20 fucking

like 7 years later and a long time it was just like aim and chat rooms and then eventually gchat and shit but it was like I knew them and it was like my only way to really connect with them anymore was through the computer and then I think that kind of like paved the way where it's like ah I can do that with anybody at that point yeah

I think both of our histories make sense. Yours is more normal than mine. I don't know. I guess judging by the world how the world, people I talk to now are like, oh yeah, all we do is text. I text my girlfriend five times a day. I know. That's why you guys have a good relationship.

Because you know what the problem is? When you start texting too much, if you don't text, it's like, what's going on? It you start texting too much, if you don't text, it's like, well, what's going on? It can get extreme. Like, are you cheating? But it's also just like, where are you? What's going on? Is everything okay?

It's just like, I just didn't want to text you right now. But it gets suspicious or it gets weird or it just is like, well, this is not what we usually do. It's like, well, what we usually do, we set the bar too high. We can't possibly keep this up. I don't have the energy to keep a conversation going all day. Not for me. Yeah, but I also think that it all comes down to if you're comfortable being lonely too.

If you're comfortable by yourself, you won't need to do that. Whereas in recent years, I don't like being lonely, so I'm like, I'll text you, I'll talk to you. I want that happening. But when I was not lonely if i got chance a chance to be alone it was like no phone get away i'm just gonna watch tv but now it's like i just want you know some sort of connection so it's really it really always comes back to the depression and mental health voicemail time it's brought to you by miller light

it's voicemails it's the longest running interactive segment on Barstool Sports. This podcast has been built on our listeners and our callers and our followers. And so it's just like you guys are our friends. So when you're listening to voicemails or if you're calling up the line to leave us a voicemail, do it with a nice cold Miller Lite. It's the number one beer for, you know, when you're socializing, which is what we do here on the show. You know, we're not doing it live, but it's our friends, if you will, asking us questions and telling us stories, and we answer back,

and we tell our own stories, and we do it all while drinking some nice ice-cold Miller Lites. Whether you're at the house listening to the podcast or you're out at the bar, whether you are ordering it from a waitress or getting it delivered to your house. Either way, Miller Lite, it's the go-to beer for the best social. I got socks on. What? Pretty cool socks.

Oh, yeah. I got the hat, too. I put it up here on the wall. Did you steal it or did you give it to someone? I gave it to Carl. Carl. I saw it to someone. To Carl. Carl. I saw him wearing it! I didn't know it was yours.

I had a feeling it was yours, to be totally honest. I didn't know. And he came up to me and he's like, I will pay you anything for that hat. And I was like, actually, we have an extra one in the studio. I mean, I will say Carl is a worthy Miller Lite guy. He was like, honestly, and then afterwards, so I got the socks here, bam, Lite. That was funny. As soon as I turned around, you knew it was happening.

I put it right next to her other hat on the Wall of Fame, which is the guy who hiked up to the top of the mountain to get service to be able to listen to us because he loved us so much. I put my Miller Lite there because it meant so much to me and you just fucking gave it away. It was like, he was so in love with, he,

he, he was like, it's a cool hat. He was like, it's a really awesome, it's an awesome hat, John. I'm going to get you a new one.

Well, I'm going to get it to you from you, from Miller. I'm going to get you a new one. I promise you that. But he was like, I don't know. He was like,

like genuinely, he was like, I don't know how I'm ever going to repay you for this. And I was like, that dude loves Miller. I was like, it's not a big deal. He's like,

no, I'm dead serious. Like, do you want a firstborn named after? Like, like what? I was like, Paul, man, it's just, it's a hat. It's a's like, no, I'm dead serious. Like, do you want a firstborn named after? Like, what? I was like, Paul, man, it's just a hat.

It's a great hat, but it's a hat. So I am going to get you another one. I didn't. I knew it was going to happen. Not 24 hours ago did I give that hat away. I turned around and it was gone. I was like, where'd it go? Yeah, that was me.

It's a great hat. The socks are cool, too. So not only do they have good beer, but they got good swag if you can get your hands on it. The hat is like a, what kind of hat is that? That's the kind of hat I need. I don't know. But it's like a different hat. It's not like a fitted cap where it has like chunky kind of – it's a good hat, and it's good beer. And right now, if you go to MillerLite.com slash KFC, you can find all the delivery options near you.

Please celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, 96 calories, 3.2 cars per 12 ounces. Well, just a question for you. It drives me crazy. 26, love my fiance, just the two in the house. So because of that, we have like five plates. I don't know, same amount of bowls, shit ton of cups because everyone does. But my fiance refuses to run the dishwasher or let me run the dishwasher unless it is full and so there are times when you know like whatever pan i want

to use is dirty and so are so is every single plate we own but she's like no you're going to waste water by running the dishwasher and it's driving me crazy because i'm just like i'm hand washing it what is the point of a dishwasher if i can't run it? And if we have to wait until it's full and it's just us two, it takes forever. It's driving me crazy. I need someone else's opinion on it. Whether it's I'm an asshole and I need to shut up or whether I should just start running the dishwasher whenever I want. Not exaggerating, I would break up with this girl. I don't own enough dishes to make a full dishwasher.

Yeah, I mean, that's a great point. I do have a bone to pick with him, though. Pans in the dishwasher. Not allowed. Why not? Nah, you fucked your hand, washed that shit like a fuck, like you're on a little home on the prairie. Why? Yeah.

Why? Give me an answer. Stop just saying yes. Tell me why. You got to get one of those fucking steel wools in there. Why? You're just saying things. Why?

It's just how it's done. No, it's not. It's just how it's done. Why? It's how things work in proper society. Why? You're just saying things. Why? It's just how it's done. No, it's not! It's just how it's done. It's how things work in proper society. Why? Pans are done right away. As soon as you're done cooking, here's what you do. You fucking cook, boom, sink, eat, boom, wash that, boom, dishwasher,

bang, fucking start scrubbing the... Stop with the onomatopoeias. Then you just start scrubbing right after that. And then it's done. Why not your cups? Why not your plates? Why not your silverware?

Because you have more of those. Look, if you got 100,000 pans, fine. But if you got... That was stupid. But most of you only have one big saucepan, one big pot. And that might be needed again tomorrow. That you don't have time to put in the dishwasher. I mean, I run the dishwasher every night. Why?

That's crazy town too. Just to have the clean dishes. But like how many dishes are you going through a day? I don't care if there's one. First of all, let me tell you exactly what happens in my bachelor pad. I don't even unload the dishwasher anymore. What the hell? You hit your funny bone?

What happened? Oh my God, I'm dishwasher anymore. What the hell? You hit your funny bone? What happened? Oh, my God. I'm falling apart. What just happened? Oh, my God. What was that? If you're not watching, head over to Twitter, and you can see a clip of this. But John, he grabbed his elbow as if he got sniped or as if he hit his funny bone,

and he flailed, and he started to cry. That was a secondary move. I got a gotta chill and then my arm snapped so bad i like hyperextended my arm and then when i pulled it up i got a fucking like pull a muscle in my neck i think motherfucker got the goosebumps and he's on the dl now because of it holy shit you might be you know how i always say that, like adolescent to adolescent, like we crossed, you might end up having a worse body than me too. And then when it's all said and done,

which I thought was impossible, but you can't even get the goosebumps without training your neck. I don't know, man. Chaos in the studio. Chaos. I could, I could never replicate that if I tried.

No. Tell me about the bachelor pad. I, I, I, I like put the dishes in the dishwasher. I run it. There's a couple dishes, full dish, full load, whatever.

Then I just use that as my cupboard. I don't put them in there. That's lunacy. I just take the things out of it and then, so let's say I do accumulate a full load. I have all the dishes in there. I open it up. I take out a plate, a cup, a fork, a knife. Maybe you're over, so there's two sets of that. Now I have all the dishes in there. I open it up. I take out a plate, a cup, a fork, a knife, right?

Maybe you're over. So there's like two sets of that. Now I have like a few dishes that are dirty. I put those back in and I just run the whole thing again. But you have so few dishes in there, it's so easy just to put them in the cupboard. I will. I mean, I get the kids' bottles. When I empty the dishwasher at home during COVID when there are six of us there

and everyone's eating and drinking all day every day, that's a pain in my fucking dick. There's a ton of stuff. But even when I'm with guys in the room. All it takes is once. I let it accumulate once so bad that a lot of my dishes are in there, and then that's it. I'll never recover.

I'll never get back ahead of it. It's just Sisyphus. Rolling the ball. I'm just going to keep those dishes in It's just Sisyphus. He's rolling the ball. I'm just going to keep those dishes in there forever. All it takes is one time where I load it up, and then I'm just going to continually take out a cup, put it back in. There's one dirty cup.

What if you just use a cup to drink water? You don't even know if it's clean anymore. No, I mean, well, first of all, if it's just a water cup, I'm not even too bothered by that. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, I agree. But eventually I'll get back. I'll get my head above water and i'll unload everything but for the most part my my dishwasher is also just one giant captain no you that i i'm i'm not

look by no stretch of the imagination am i like a put together person under no stretch do i certainly not keep things tidy and stuff like that but that's why i'll empty the dishwasher every time because i guys because by the time it's run i probably have like eight glasses and like six plates in there and that's so you want to just be able to take it you want to put it into a cabinet you're just giving yourself extra work yeah but it's just i don't know i guess that's something my mother beat into me yeah and it's just like you have to like that was it feels very like making the bed to me where it's just like i don't know. I guess that's something my mother beat into me. Yeah. And it's just like you have to – that was – It feels very like making the bed to me where it's just like, I don't know. I'm just going to ruin it again.

Yeah, but also making the bed, I don't do it. I don't participate in the practice. But it's undoubtedly comfier to come home to my bed. Yeah, no doubt. But it's just like not comfy enough for me to waste my time in the morning. No, but it is better. And I really don't like the people and the therapists who say, like, make your bed because you accomplished something that day.

I don't buy that. I don't either. I don't think that's going to change my life. You started your day doing something good and doing something. That I understand, but, like, make it a little bit harder, like a little bit more, like, I don't know, rewarding. That would be nice if there's something better. People would then posit to you.

I'm going to I'm not going to do that I would say start off your day masturbating you accomplished something you came and that would make me a lot happier than a fucking bed okay I'll tell you that much next up

hey boys so I've been watching re-watching new girl and there's just an episode where Nick burned Jess' CD Or gave Jess a CD That was called Nick's Sexy Mix And my question to you is

What songs or artists would be on your sexy mix? Oh man I think mine would have Or well Nick had the Humpty Dance And I think mine would probably have The Weeknd, Halsey, and then something like Pour Some Sugar on Me. Halsey is for sure my answer. Adele, Rollin' in the Deep.

Really? Rollin' like Poseidon, baby. Yeah. I'm going Halsey, you're going Rollin' in the Deep. Could you imagine that set? Like, Rollin rolling in the deer you know what you really gotta do don't ever request that again don't you ever ever yeah ever do that again you know what's a little scary is i did make eye contact i did kind of like

follow your orders i guess i'm guess I'm the sub. Fuck. You know what you gotta do is... Look at me! You gotta do this to Pony. You gotta fucking... I don't... Here's a take. Don't care for it.

I know, but I know you said that before. Have I? Yeah. I didn't know I said that before. Literally, we have said everything before. I have nothing left. I'm done with all the words. I have given know I said that before. Literally, we have said everything before. I have nothing left. I'm done with all the words. I have given all I have.

I might make a new story, but as far as anything that's happened already, I've said it all. Could you imagine? I mean, we have told stories for 10 years. That's it. If you have more than 10 years worth of stories, you are the most interesting man in the world. No wonder we're scraping the bottom of the barrel talking about fucking the dumbest shit the last few weeks have just been like off the rails because i think we're out of gas you're gonna go glenn we might not yeah i i yeah we have glenn howerton on today talking about uh like how he kind of reached what he thought was

the end of the line with sunny because he was, I just don't have the same feeling anymore. And it's like, I just don't have anything to tell. I don't have anything to give you. You just have stories? I don't know, man. I think we got plenty of stories. No, you have them. I mean, you pull them out of your subconscious.

You're the ones that you've suppressed. I feel like I've just told you everything. So, you know what? Fuck you. Should we just get into it with Glenn? Yeah, let's do it. Glenn Howerton on KC Radio. This is a very pretty long.

We got some extra time with him. It's very interesting for the first big chunk of it. It's more interesting talk about acting and television and Sonny and his career. And then towards the end, we start loosening up talking about boozing and teachers and like our lives as students and shit. It gets fun towards the end. So a perfect interview with our golden God, Glenn Howerton. Let's do it. There he is.

What's up, pal? What's up, boys? How we doing? Pretty good, man. Yeah. Because your other show. How'd that go? I thought it went well.

I don't know. All right. Fuck them. Whatever. it's all about this show don't worry about that we like to start the show by uh uh wishing you a happy anniversary 11 years 11 years man yeah yeah uh it was on saturday i think our anniversary yeah 11 years seems super excited about that. I love what you got going on here with this background. Looks very classy, very masculine, very sleek.

I like it. It is extraordinarily masculine. It was a space in our house because my wife and I built, actually, we built this house, and we moved in about four years ago. But this was – I was like, I need one space to be just like – Just yours. Yeah, just like it looks the way an extremely masculine candle helps. Is that a candle going behind you? Is that a flicker of a candle I see? Yes, it is. You classy son of a candle i see yes it is yeah

you classy son of a bitch i bet that smells like whiskey or something it's kind of this like woodsy it's like you know it's got some vanilla in there so it's kind of sweet but it also kind of smells like a like a campfire it's fucking dope yo uh so i think this is gonna end up being the best thing that ever happened to AP Bio jumping onto the streaming world where I feel like you guys can kind of take the shackles off a little bit, really let it fly and and get down with like the streaming crowd, because it looks it certainly looks like this season is going to be off the wall. It's pretty funny. It's so I'm honestly like I'm I, I know, I know that like, I'm, I'm, I'm clearly I'm here to promote the show and all that kind of stuff. But I mean, the truth is, man, I I'm, I'm watching the show and I am laughing my off.

And I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign, but I take it as a good sign because like, I, I think like, I've definitely seen things that I'm in where I'm like, Oh no. Really? Oh yeah. Is that your, is that your own like insecurity or do you think it's actually just like a bad project? I think most of the time I think it's because it wasn't good.

Really? Yeah. I think so. I mean, I've gotten pretty accustomed to looking at myself on camera. I've had so much practice, you know, you get when you able to kind of separate myself enough to watch something and go, I know that's really good or that's really bad. And I'm watching this new season. I mean, I love every season of AP Bio. I really do. But this new season is it's just it's kind of next level and the the the show's creator mike o'brien is just you know

i i really get the sense that he well we actually talked about it a little bit i think i think he was feeling a little like you know what uh peacock has given us a second chance here uh but i don't know if we'll ever get to do it again after this this might be my last shot so he really wanted to go down swinging if he was going to go down at all or succeed. He was like, I'm either going to hit it out of the park or I'm going to go down, swing it hard.

And I personally think he knocked it out of the park. And, and I, I hope people are watching it because it's, I don't think there's anything else right now. That's that's like it. Do you think you're a bit of like a rock for Mike in that situation? i and maybe i'm just i i misremember it but i feel like sunny didn't really take off until season three ish like i i was in high school or early college at the time so like

it was on for about three or four years before i was like oh fuck this is a show and i heard people talking about it a lot are you kind of like i've been down this road with like a great funny show that i know is great and funny so don don't worry. Let's keep plugging away. Let's keep taking our cuts. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I totally, um, I think to some degree it takes a minute to, for the audience to settle into, you know, if you've really created kind of a, a vibe and a, and a, and a world that it feels kind of unique. Uh. Sometimes it takes a second to settle into that. And I think it takes people. I mean, a lot of people watched Sonny and they were like, I don't really totally get this. And then they had some friend who was super into it that forced

them to get back into it. And then they're like, and then suddenly it clicks and they're like, oh, I get it. Okay, right. And it's suddenly really funny. And I remember it being that way for me when I was a kid watching kids in the hall, which is one of my favorite sketch shows of all time. I didn't get it. Uh, when I was a kid, I watched it. I was like, I just, this is so stupid. It's so dumb. Um, but then I took like the, but it was like the third or fourth time at a friend who just insisted, like, we're going to watch it. We're going to watch it.

And, and some, I don't even remember what sketch it was, but it finally clicked. I was like, Oh, it's supposed to be dumb. It's so dumb that it comes all the way full circle to being smart again.

And, and I think, I think that, that it's true that I think AP bios is a little that way, but I think it's also that I, think the show's gotten better, too. I just think it's gotten better at what it does. With Peacock, were you able to, like, the subject matter? I mean, in the trailer alone, there's bricks of cocaine, and it seems like there's cursing, and it looks like the envelope's being pushed.

Is that because of Peacock? Is there, like, new rules because you're streaming streaming or would it have been that way no matter what? It would have been that way no matter what, to a degree. But there was this, you know, sort of, you know, Mike O'Brien was kind of making jokes about is making jokes on the show. Kind of like, like he's got a, there's a scene where a character, one of the students like curses and gets away with it.

And another one of the students is like, Oh, are we, can we do that now? So it was kind of a wink to the fact that we can get away with a little bit more on Peacock. But, but one of the things I really like is that Mike, you know, very consciously didn't really do anything that I think for the most part, with the exception of like a few curse words and, you know, a couple of jokes here and there the show, it totally could still have been this way. of like a few curse words and you know a couple jokes here and there uh the show it tonally could still have been this way true to itself yeah yeah yeah and even though you know it struggled a little

bit on nbc they they were the the studio and the network were always very supportive of the show they were always fans of the show which was nice that was that's that was put that up there in the pantheon for me of of like arrested development and other shows where it was like if you watched it and you saw it and you have a good sense of humor it's like fuck this should get better ratings this should be more popular and i and i think though that that's the beauty of like the streaming services now is like you're not at the mercy of those networks anymore and that the people who do like it are probably the people who are on peacock who are streaming and binging and watching yeah yeah i Yeah. I think you're right. I think it, you know, being on Peacock is, I think a little bit more freeing because I, I think as long as they see that they, yeah,

I mean, I think the most important thing for, for a streaming service or even like a smaller basic cable network is what they want to see is a core audience that stays. It doesn't have to be big, but if they see the audience, they see that it has an audience and they see that that audience is sticking around and watching every, then they see it and they go,

if they're smart, they see that and they go, okay, it's just gonna keep growing and growing and growing. As long as we're holding onto the people who do watch it, the more people watch it, the more people it retains and then it grows and grows and grows. And that's what happened with Sonny.

It started very, very small, The more people watch it, the more people it retains, and then it grows and grows and grows. And that's what happened with Sonny. Right. You know, it started very, very small, but those people were like rabid fans. And the cult just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger, you know. And when you do like 39 seasons of a show like you're doing with Sonny, it's just going to keep on. It's like Sonny's like the universe. It just keeps expanding. It's going to go on forever. I hope. It just is yeah you had said that in you guys notice in hulu you had a

bigger fan base i think that makes perfect sense because this show is pretty eccentric and a little little off the wall and weird and that's kind of the millennial generation even gen z to an extent where it's like you think of like nbc prime time i forget what you guys thursday nights um whatever whatever night it was like you think of that as more of a middle america more of toledo who kind of wants the big bang theory and they want the laugh track but like our guys are or my crew my friends my the millennials i identify with like the fucking weird shit, like the off the wall shit, like the like the big bag of spaghetti and Katie Holmes day. Yeah, no, 100 percent. I mean, it was it makes perfect sense to me that the show did OK on NBC, but did really, really well when they were putting the when they were putting the episodes on Hulu to stream it on Hulu. You know, so it became very clear, I think, to people very quickly that it was clearly a streaming show. And honestly, the only

reason it didn't, you know, because there was talk for a while, it was like, okay, maybe we'll just, we'll just transition it from NBC to Peacock. But Peacock had made a decision, my understanding is that Peacock had made a decision not to do original programming or either original programming across the board or just original comedies. I can't remember what it was. And when that happened, it was like NBC was like, we can't wait anymore. We got to open up this slot. We're announcing that we're canceling the show. Whereas Peacock, even though Peacock was already like, you know, kind of scoping it out and trying to decide, like, maybe we'll maybe we'll do like one original comedy and we'll give it a shot because it saw that it had a big streaming

audience so it was like we have this property we've paid for it we have this thing and and it has a streaming audience we could take it and put it on peacock you know so once they decided to make original programming uh we i think we were the first show they picked up i know we were the first comedy they picked up um the reason why so that was yeah it was that that was very gratifying because it it i think it hopefully approved to people that the show does have an audience they just didn't want to watch it linear they wanted to watch it on streaming and it sounds like uh if you keep wearing these gray sweatpants that the audience is here for it man these this video this the glurst is apparently a very real thing and you in a pair of gray sweatpants seems to be a fucking hit now.

Yeah. What's with the gray? Why, why is it? Why? What's with the gray? Is there something happening with those? I got it.

Your dick looks better. That's what it is. Definitely. You don't spend enough time on the internet. You're very late to the game, Glenn. This is a problem. Yeah, no, I don't, I don't spend't spend enough time on the internet, my man. You're very late to the game, Glenn. This is a problem. Yeah.

No, I don't. I don't spend a lot of time on the internet. I really don't. This is something you really do need to know because, one, you can exploit it for good, but also you've got to be knowing you can't be wearing your gray sweatpants to out with the kids or some shit. You've got to keep it in check, Glenn. That's right.

Yeah. No, it is good to know because I've gotten very comfortable in sweatpants, and I think in the wrong situation, it would be extremely offensive but i think in terms of like putting a television show on that millions and millions of people see i think that's the right place yeah absolutely absolutely uh we're gonna throw a sock on though just i don't know i guess it's work whatever you're doing working if that's god's gift then good for you i think i think uh i i think a a nice a nice wool uh hiking sock wouldn't work i got just the pair for it i got an orange pair i know when to put those down my pants yeah uh we just read an interesting article uh talking about your experience with sunny and how you you feel like you kind of like

recommitted and you're back fully into it. And there was a period of time where you were kind of growing to maybe resent it. Is that too strong of a word or was there really like a, you know, kind of a, you fell out of love with it for a period of time there? Yeah. Well, it wasn't that I fell out of love with the show. Yeah. It's a little weird. I mean, it is, it's, what I was resenting was not the show. It was that I felt tethered to it in a way that was preventing me from exploring other things that I wanted to explore as an actor, as a writer, as a producer.

I'm just not one of those people. What I discovered is that I'm not one of those people that has just boundless and endless amounts of energy. Uh, I can only dedicate so much brain power and energy and, you know, I can only dedicate so much, uh, before I'm drained and I'm done. And, you know, I tried to do other things while doing Sonny at the same time. And it was just I found it extremely exhausting. And so it kind of got to the point where I was like, well, now that means I can only do Sonny. And after so many years and kind of feeling like I said everything I wanted to say on this show, I just felt tapped out. And it wasn't a good feeling. It was, it, you know, I was feeling that way and mostly in season 11. And then I did season 12 and I felt like, I was like, I think this is going to be my last season. So I actually had a lot of fun with season 12. Cause I was like,

again, I'm going to go, I'm going to go out swinging. I'm going to go out, try to go out on top here and I'm going to throw everything at this last list last season of mine and then you know but taking two i took basically the last two years off of the writer's room um you know i was doing rewrites with the guys for seasons 13 and 14 uh but i wasn't there breaking stories and and and writing original scripts and stuff like that so but so taking those two years off has been extremely refreshing and and it's also honestly given me a chance to re-appreciate the the show um you know re-fall in love with uh the show and you know get a little time away from those fucking guys was that a discussion you had with them did you was there like a hard conversation to have at one point like guys it's just not i'm not feeling it anymore it wasn't you know it wasn't a hard conversation because um we have we're i'm able to have those

kinds of conversations with those guys and so i think one of the reasons why the show has worked as long as it has because we can have those conversations with each other um and they were incredibly supportive um they didn't want me to go, uh, but they totally understood. And, you know, uh, and, and I said, you know, the last thing I want to do, I don't want to like ruin the show. Um, but if this ends the show, uh, then it ends it. I can't, I can't, I can't keep forcing myself. I, I, I, I was like, I can't keep forcing myself to come in and, and, and work on something that, that I'm starting to get mad because it's getting in the way of me following other dreams. You know, and they were like, we totally get it. We're going to keep going.

We want to try doing a season without you. And, you know, I was like, okay, you know, cool. And, you know, when they got to the end or near the end of writing season 13 which is my first season kind of away from the show or actually i think somewhere near halfway through the writing process they were like we're having a lot of trouble figuring out how to write every single story without you in it would you be willing to come back and just act in a few and i was at that point i'd already had enough time away from the show where I was like, Oh, act on the show. That's the easy, that's the fun part.

Yeah. You can just show up and do that. Right. That's like, yeah. I was like a hundred percent. Yeah, totally. So that's why I ended up, you know, uh, acting in the six that I was in and, and, and I couldn't help myself. I, I kind of went in and did rewrites, uh, on, on just those episodes. I really had nothing to do with the four episodes that I'm not in, like as an actor, producer or writer. Very Dennis Reynolds-esque. That must be nice to get that like re-appreciation though because you step away and you're like, oh, you know what?

I got it pretty fucking good. It's kind of like a relationship. You go on a break and you're like, wait a minute i do love you let's get back together yeah sometimes you got to go through trial separation uh you know but uh uh yeah i mean i mean i i think i i look at it almost more as like i've always looked at our our situation we've always felt like more more like a band to me than a tv show uh because we write because you know we're we're in the studio or we're you know we're in the practice space and we're writing songs together and then we're playing them and then we're you know and we spend a lot of time with each other you know and and it's like okay we're

gonna put out another album it's what it feels like every year you know and for, I was just like, I got to go off and do a side project. You know what I mean? I got to do my solo album or I got to do – or I just want to be part of a different band for a little while and just do that. And then – but it was always in my mind. I was like, I mean, if they're going to keep going, maybe I'll come back at some point. I mean, I never closed the door completely. Because you guys did downplay it a lot i remember our first interview was i think season one ap bio and it was you had been in the news and you reiterated it with us we're like sonny's not

going anywhere but it seems like you're like if it's gonna go it's gonna go yeah uh yeah it's coy motherfuckers you liars they're all just liars in Hollywood. I think I just didn't want to commit myself in the press to... I didn't want to make promises that I couldn't keep. I wanted to allow myself the opportunity to truly walk away

if that's what I ultimately decided to do. It wasn't my intention. But I also did want to, but I also did want to honor, you know, that we wrote toward that. At the end of season 12, I wanted to honor the stories that we wrote and said like, this is the, this is the story that we wrote and we're sticking to it. You know, I didn't, I didn't want to just bail on that. It, it, it felt like, even though, you know,

we usually hit the reset button, this felt to me like it was something where I was like, no, we need to like explore this. Like the guy left the bar. He said, I'm leaving. I want to go be a dad. There was definitely some finality to it. Yeah, yeah. going to keep going then um you know hopefully this will give them something to write to um you know that will maybe shake things up in a way that'll make it interesting to them as writers

it's like you know sort of like i was kind of pitching them on the idea that like okay now that now that this guy's gone what are we you know and doing episodes that are where you're trying to figure it out like a new challenge yeah. Yeah, exactly. And so I thought that would be a good thing. But I don't think it's... I think if any one of us were to really leave the show, I do think it would be tough to keep going.

That was the argument I made when you first... when there was some sort of stepping away where I was like, Sonny's a tough one because there's so many shows that have the lead. And Sonny has five leads. everyone plays such a humongously important role it's it's tough to even lose one leg on that yeah but it's also all I think it's I think that cuts both ways because it's like I think that's why it could survive in the in the way that it did because it wasn't you know those guys can stand alone but there is something about it's not going to

be the same without everybody yeah it just you know, I think it might've been, I think in some ways it might've been particularly hard with my character because when there's, there's usually a straight man in the, in any given episode or, or any given scene, there's the person who's sort of the voice of reason, you know, trying to reign everybody in. Yeah. You need that. God damn it. You idiot.

There's nobody to do that. And it does, that does shift, you know, it's not always my character, but over the course of the, you know, 12 years that we've done the show, I would say that more often than not, that responsibility had fallen on my shoulders. So I think they found themselves also in a situation where they were like who's gonna be the straight man nobody wants to be the straight man nobody nobody could be really yeah so so i think that that presented a a very specific challenge uh

to the group dynamic when my character went away i mean that would be my guess i didn't i i haven't talked to them specifically about that but that would be the challenge for me if I were writing the show without my character. And it's being like, who's going to play the straight man role most of the time? Who's going to be the the one who's irritated with everyone? Now, with with like comedies, do you get into character for roles? Is there are you like obviously you do, but is it as serious as like a daniel day lewis like do you identify with the plight of teachers now like throw me a p bio with jack um it's not you know for me to drop into character it's a little bit more esoteric than that um i do i do drop into character but it usually especially with a tv show

uh doesn't take a lot of time because i've spent enough time as that character that something in the dialogue something in the props something you know i can usually just kind of flip the switch and and and drop into that thing it interesting. I saw something on social media today. Actually. I was looking on my Twitter feed and somebody did a side-by-side picture of me and Dennis. And they were like, I don't know what it is, but I have a really hard time believing that Glenn Howerton plays Dennis Reynolds because they look and feel like totally different people. It's the first time I've ever heard somebody articulate that. And I actually kind of stopped and I actually thought about that for a second.

And I was like, yeah, they're really like, I think down to like just subtle changes in the facial structure that actually happen when I drop into that character. And it's the same thing, I think, with Jack. You know, a pompous person's resting face is very different than my resting face. And I think so. I think just something as simple.

For me, it's whatever the character's motivation is, not to get too actory, but I mean, it's kind of basic actory shit, but like whatever the character's motivation is, usually with with the comedy it's so extreme and so fucking insane and ridiculous that if I can if I can drop into really feeling that desire to achieve whatever that ridiculous goal is that's really all it takes for me to drop into character um but there is a switch for sure from me to Jack or for me to Dennis. And it's really just about like, OK, now I got to now I have to fight for this insane goal of my character.

And usually that's kind of all it takes. Do you have any school experience, teacher like memories or anything that like you drew from? I mean, I don't know if there's any teacher out there like quite like Jack. But was there anybody who stuck out like you're emulating or trying to mimic from from your actual school days? Not really. Probably for the best. That probably means your schooling experience was really good. Your schooling experience was weird as hell. You bounced around all over the place, right? Yeah, I was I was I was all over the place and I had, you know, my fair share of good teachers and bad teachers, you know, but but but I always, you know, it was always important to me from the beginning to, to be able to understand what it is that, that Jack actually brings to the equation that's positive, even though, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's on you know i'm playing a character who's like no to everything which is the exact opposite of uh of kind of the way most things work uh dramatically you know you kind of need a character to be like yes let's try that yes let's do that instead my character's like i'm not going to do

this i'm not going to do this i'm not going to do this and i'm not going to do this and you know so it was important for me if i if i was going to come in with the sort of almost an anti intention as a character that I had to know. You know that what he was going to bring to the table, whether he knew it or not, was that he was inadvertently going to be teaching these kids some adult life lessons just by virtue of the fact that they were going to get a dose of reality that they'd never experienced before. And, and a little bit of like, sort of like hardcore, brutal honesty from someone in a way that they, they probably weren't used to from their parents or their teachers. So, you know, so in a way I was like, they are learning something from him and it was, and it was good for me. And I needed to attach myself to that in order to, to kind of latch on to the more positive side of the character what's the worst thing that ever happened to you in school

what is the worst thing that ever happened to me in school nobody's ever asked me that uh what is the worst like one time i was in gym class doing the uh the sit-ups and i there's like three two one go and i farted in front of the whole class. That was very traumatic for me. Yeah. I, I, you know, it's funny. I feel like there's, there are definitely people who are like high school kids who just rip farts and they think it's hilarious and they're cool with it. I was not that guy. I was mortified. I was like, no bodily function in front of people. Fuck. I was mortified I was like no bodily function in front of people fuck

totally I know I I can relate to that I I I did not become fully kind of fully secure with myself and who I was until I was like 30 sadly I was I'm 32 I'm not there yet going strong I had Mrs. Pillsbury make us clean out her mini fridge, which was just full of Twinkies while she sat on her desk. This is probably third. This sounds like a script. Mrs. Pillsbury cleaning out her Twinkies. I forget exactly. It was between third and fifth grade. And she sat on her desk, very

unladylike, if you know what I mean by this, in a skirt. She was a hefty lady. She looked every bit of Mrs. Pillsbury. And it was the first time I'd ever seen pubic hair. And it stars me to this day. It was a jungle. It was awful. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Yeah, yeah, that's – yeah, because you're like, no, that's not what I want to picture. I don't want to – that's – Nope. She just made us clean our fridge, Glenn. She's like – we weren't doing – It's lame labor. It was worse than what Jack does. He was like, what are you talking about? You want us to just clean our fridge, Glenn. She's like, we weren't doing it was worse than what Jack does. He was like, what are you talking about? You want us to just clean your fridge

in your classroom? Why do you have a fridge in the classroom, by the way? It was awful. Talk about a hardcore dose of truth, man. Shit. I want to think I wish I had more time to I wish I had an answer for you. I mean, I'm sure there's like shitty

things that happen. What was your worst subject? History, probably. I just didn't get it. I just didn't give a fuck about history. Anytime somebody started talking about what somebody did in some year, I was like, I don't fucking care. I couldn't figure out how that related to my life now and what i needed in this moment i was like like and then it's like to me like history repeats itself it's like shut the fuck up or you won't you won't learn like if you'll you'll you'll make the same

mistakes in the history of the past like i didn't even think of enslaving people that thought never even crossed my mind if you didn't bring it up. What are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, I don't know, man. And I actually liked school. I really did. I mean, I loved math. I loved science.

Did you? Let me ask you about math real quick because I don't want to take up too much more time. But we did a challenge here today. 40 third grade level multiplication questions in a minute. How many of those do you think you could get? Or if you could get them all, how fast do you think you would do it? I honestly don't know. I don't know.

This guy got 22 and then he ran out of time. I got 23. To be clear, I wasn't told there was a time limit, so I was taking my time, counting on my fingers. I didn't realize there was only a minute limit, and I got a very failing grade. Like if I asked you right now, what's 9 times 7? Do you know the answer?

63. Yeah, okay. That was a show-off move right there. Mr. Fancy Pants over here. I did. I was saying I'm so bad at math that I got a perfect score on my SAT writing, and I still had a really bad SAT score. Yeah, that sounds about right. I don't know if we have time for it, but I love,

I love shit like that. I, I, I, yeah, I just, I always just really like math to me. It was like a fun game. It was like a puzzle. It was like a puzzle with numbers. Like it was fun to me. I understand why other people didn't like it. It was i i i love this weird man i loved math and science and kind of hated history and literature see that's crazy i i picked i had you pegged the exact opposite yeah it doesn't seem like the art type yeah most artsy types are a little bit more into like history and literature and i fucking hated that stuff i couldn't i could i just i'm also i think uh i mean i'm gonna say i'm i also just don't i i like things uh i don't know like it's almost like history and like reading a book is just too much of a damn commitment yeah yeah it's like it's like golf

like i can't i can't play golf like i fucking can't stand golf i'm like it's too it's too fucking slow it's too fucking slow i want to i want to hit i literally this is what i would if this is what i want to do i want to hit the ball and sprint to my ball and i don't want to wait for somebody behind me to hit the ball i want to sprint to my ball i want to hit it i want to sprint to the ball again and hit it again and i want it and i and i want it to be over in six holes. You know who you need to golf with Mark Wahlberg. That's how Wahlberg golfs. He treats it like cardio.

He hits it. He wakes up at like 3. A.M. To do it. I swear to God. How he plays. So there was like a, like an Esquire piece on him or whatever,

like two years ago. And it was like, that's his life hack, right? The person showed up. The interviewer showed up at the course being like, hey, I'm here to interview Mark Wahlberg. They're like, he just started his round. He's like, well, I'm not going to sit here for four hours. And they go, no, he only plays nine.

He sprints the whole thing. He'll be back here in 45 minutes. That's fucking great. That's the way to do it, it man that's the way to fucking do it like i i i'm all i'm all for that although i will say even nine is too much for me but again it's kind of i like it that's that's the only way to make yourself that's that's the only way to get back to the clubhouse and you know drink your beer yeah so you gotta do the nine you know what i mean otherwise you're gonna you're backtracking speak before i let you go, speaking of drinking, how's drinking going in quarantine? I know you like to post the tequila.

You posted Jill the other day with some wine and cake, I think, for breakfast. Let's go. You know, it's weird. I think most people would think, you know, because of who I have played on television, that I'm a big drinker. But generally speaking, I've never been somebody to drink big, uh, I'm a big drinker. Um, but I generally speaking, I've, I've never been somebody to, to drink at home. Uh, I was always a social, I'm a social drinker. Um, but I love, but I've always liked drinking and I've always really liked drinking socially. And when the social thing went away, cause it was like, well,

we can't be social. I was like, well, but I still want to drink. So, uh, so then I'd be like, all right, I'm going to have, I'm going to make my, and this was like be social i was like well but i still want to drink yeah so uh so then i'd be like all right i'm gonna have i'm gonna make my this was like one night i was like i'm gonna start experimenting and making you know making cocktails at home so you know that's how it started i think that's what a lot of guys did the women flock to the sourdough bread guys are like i want to become a mixologist yeah that's kind of what happened but really what it now has turned into is just me pour it just me pouring like like Spindrift and tequila in a glass and drinking it. Amen, man.

Really thank you for the time. You know what? I'm going to – one way or another, I'm going to send you this multiplication test. I want to see what you would get. Whether you're a publicist, I'll email it or I'll tweet it at you or whatever. I want to see what your score would be. I love that actually. I'll email it or we'll tweet it at you or whatever. I want to see what your score would be. I love that, actually. I will absolutely do that.

Maybe my wife and I will do a little competition. Perfect. We'll love it. Thank you so much. AP Bio's out now. You can catch it on Peacock. Please go stream it because it's so fucking funny. We look forward to the return of Sonny, and thanks always for the time, man. Yeah, man. It's great seeing you guys as always. I appreciate it. Thanks, man. You too,

buddy. Enjoy. That's Keeley tonight. Bye. man yeah man it's great seeing you guys as always i appreciate it thanks man you too buddy bye It's only life, this is the soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life Uh-huh Yeah Uh-huh Yeah, yeah Yeah Yeah Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.