KFC Radio - Greg Stone on The Epic way he Spends His Birthday (Episode + Interview)

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 01:44 The Jets beat the Patriots and KFC has hope 28:56 P. Diddy info keeps coming out 51:08 WMBA isn't getting paid enough to be drippy 53:39 2 unbelievable headlines 57:08 First couple to ever use the first sui pods 01:05:37 Micky and Mini Mouse fun fact 01:09:53 Video Voicemails 01:34:07 Greg Stone Interview Links: 30:45 Bieber Diddy compilation: https://x.com/Travis_4_Trump/status/1837893357382635835 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Jackpocket: New customers, use code KFC and you’ll get your first ticket free at https://jackpocket.onelink.me/sY17/KFC GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, NY Call 877-8-HOPENY or text HOPENY. 18 or older (19+ in Nebraska, 21+ in Arizona). Void where prohibited. Promo code required for $2 non-withdrawable credit. Prize amount may differ at time of drawing. Terms jackpocket.com/tos/free-ticket-promo/ Gametime: Download the Gametime app today and use code KFC to easily score great deals with the new Gametime Picks! Helium Mobile Get 1 month FREE with code KFC at https://hellohelium.com/kfc Draft Kings: Score big with DraftKings Sportsbook - the number one place to bet touchdowns. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code KFC. GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), or visit www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min. $5 bet. Max. $200 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: sportsbook.draftkings.com/promos. Ends 10/31/24 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK Huel: Try Huel with 15% OFF today using code KFC at https://huel.com/KFC. Fuel your best performance with Huel today! Express: Use code SADBOYSZN for an extra 20% ofYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

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Prize amount may differ at time of drawings. Terms jackpocket.com slash TOS slash free-ticket-promo slash. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. The winds of change are amongst us, John. The world is shifting. We are closing. One door closes, another one opens, as signified by the Jets' paths,

what's going on with the Mets. Things are just, there's something in the air that's a little different, my friend. Yeah. No, I felt we went to Pat's Jets Thursday night. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. I felt really good. I felt good going to the Jets game on night. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. I felt really good.

I felt good going to the Jets game on Thursday. That's where you went, the Jets game. I felt like all week, I felt like we're going to beat them. I mean, I believe prior to last week, you were thinking, I'm going to beat 2-0, they're going to be 0-2, and we're going to end the Jets season week three. Correct. That is 100% what I thought.

I know. And I understand why you did think that. But boy, were you fucking wrong. Wrong! It was a bloodbath. It was a massacre. Which was funny. Like, it's...

He always plays this card. We were sitting behind the four most annoying fans in the world three were jets one was a pat so it went both sides um but they just they the description i used was they talked to each other like like uh sitcom characters watching sports like like someone who didn't know how to watch sports right how to watch sports for them. Like every play, they were busting each other's balls. Like, oh, you went backwards. You're supposed to go forwards, Gucci. And then like the next play, there'd be a hold.

You can't hold. And then you'd be yelling like every single play. Which I was saying, like, as a non-sports fan, to be clear, that's how all of you guys sound when you watch sports. Everybody sounds like you're just kidding. Yeah, we're reasonable when we do it. We do it every other play, not every play. But the, like, I don't know, the third quarter maybe, we kind of started interacting with them a little bit,

and one of the guys gave me a handshake. He's like, you're a good sport, you're a good sport. I was like, the fuck am I going to do? I can't deny what's happening on the field. Some people do. We're getting our asses kicked. Some people do, John. Some people do.

But we were driving home, and I was saying, like, it's some people getting their asses kicked some people do john some people do um but i was we were driving home and i was saying like it's funny like right now it's funny like the got their asses kicked that's funny and but if it happened for 20 years i can see it fundamentally changing who i am as a person thank you all I've been asking for for a couple decades now. Just, I mean, like, consistently, from, like, walking in, I felt like, you know, I was king behind enemy lines, like, these fucking idiots. And then you sit there for three hours, and you watch what you love get destroyed,

and you watch everyone tell you you suck, and you never had a chance and you're gonna suck forever and like if that happening for 20 years straight yeah i'll fuck a person up yeah yeah you're looking at him which i think then makes me an interesting case study for sports watchers because like for years, things were just great. And all my formative years, things were just great. And now if it starts really bothering me and ruining who I am as a person, it should be almost like cigarettes.

It's like, this is what happens when you get older if you fucking live like this. You shouldn't really get that invested because it's going to fucking ruin you. I feel like, you know, they're like, this is your brain.

This is your brain on drugs. Or, and they show like, this is the lungs of a smoker. And it's just like this pile of black, like whatever. I don't know if you would show my heart or my brain or like my, my bones.

Something like this is what, you know, two to like three decades of losing can do to a person you know what it is it's also very um well actually it remains to be seen i was gonna make the comparison we were talking about last episode about how working out is so hard but then you can lose it so fast you know and i don't know we'll see how long it takes like for you to how long this funny thing lasts. You know what I mean? Well, it's like if we're saying cigarettes.

If – you know how some people take pride in like I've never smoked a cigarette. Yeah. Like I've never been a loser. And I take like one puff. I was like, oh, I don't like that. I'm not going to keep doing that. That's crazy. Well, you know what's funny is I used to say like – I used to kind of be like partly as a defense mechanism but partly trying to be reasonable. I would always say like Dave thinks he's on the team.

Dave like thinks that I am an actual loser because the other men I root for are not winning the football games. He thinks of me as a person who is a loser. But then, like you said, you do it for 20 years. You're a loser. Yeah. You become a loser. And that's what's fucking me up with the Mets now, too, is like I have now reached a point where I think the Mets are going to win. This is the most special Mets team.

This is more special than 2021. Yeah. Because there's a difference, like, them getting hot at the end of the season. Not even just hot. Just scorching. They can't do anything wrong. But, like, in 2022, I was like, when we were playing the Braves at the end, I was like, we're not going to win this. Yeah.

Like, we're going to lose. Right now, and this is where it's like, this is the most dangerous spot. We'll see. But I'm like, I think we're okay. Yeah. And that's when you can really get just fucking. But I'm like, maybe things are. Here's my, I have two theories right now on, it's more Mets related, but Jets as well,

since it's all kind of coming together. And maybe you can, maybe you tie into this a little bit too. Maybe I can land the plane on this whole thing. My first thought is that baseball is like Jumanji. Sports is like Jumanji. And the White Sox have just tied, I think, the record for the worst team ever. Something the Mets have owned since the Mets had the worst baseball season of all time. They lost 120 games in 1962.

So for the last 60 years, they've been the worst franchise to ever play baseball. And now, you know when you get stuck in Jumanji? The Mets have been stuck in Jumanji and they needed someone to roll the dice? Like we needed someone to take over that record as worst team ever, and now we can get out of Jumanji. I love this. I think there's something to it.

It's actually interesting because I've always heard you say that the Mets and White Sox are like sister franchises. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah. Yeah. white socks are like sister franchises yeah yeah and maybe i'm trying to think if maybe you're the hunter okay who's been in jumanji for 30 years just fucking killing me and now somebody rolled the dice and you're out you know what i mean yeah yeah i'm your poppy i get it i was gonna say i want to say it's like literally my father um i mean also from like a third party perspective

you guys are crazy yeah being around you guys for four years like i don't know anything but i know that i've heard you guys say this exact thing every single year i swear to god we got it this year and then every time you guys don't got it don't got it don't got it but maybe we do do you ever

think like like from my also girl perspective like what if it's just whatever team like manifests

the best it's like all the fans like whoever is the strongest no then it should be us no but you guys are so like negative well that's true there is there is this the Mets. No, but you guys are so, like, negative.

Well, that's true. There is this, the Mets are very 50-50. So I get what you're talking about because you see people like Frank and even people like myself to some extent. But then there are these fans who are like, they almost make me sick because they think everything's fine all the time. And I'm like, have you not been around for 30 years, you know? The Mets have this very,

there's a chart going around right now that was like, the Mets are down, and then, like, they had like a meeting with their team and started to go up. And then they went down again,

and they did this Grimace thing. And it went straight up. They had Grimace throughout the first pitch. Yeah. And the Mets fans just embraced Grimace and like loved him. And then they plummeted down, and then they had Hak Tua throughout the first pitch yeah and the Mets fans just embraced Grimace and like loved him and then they plummeted down and then they had Hak Tua throughout the first pitch and everyone got mad about it and

shit but they just started to go up all of these off the field meme things like to the date you can see them start to like their performance spikes up every time and I think it's our fan base if there is any sort of yeah there it is look at that it's our fan base. If there is any sort of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. There it is. Look at that. It's like the... Yeah, then they installed this Grimace seat. They painted one seat in the stadium purple in honor of Grimace.

We won like seven in a row and beat our rival and like it was absolutely unbelievable. No, like this I could get behind. This you believe more. This I believe more than like, I don't know. In actual sports. Yeah. it's all it's all

happening and then i mean i wish i wish i was there i wish i used to always say so back in 2009 and 10 is when the jets were good and that's when i first started barstool they went to the to the game to get to the game to get to the championship to get to the super bowl every two years in a row and in the process they beat um tom brady they beat peyton manning they beat uh uh philip rivers to beat all these hall of fame quarterbacks they ended up falling short but they were good and they specifically beat brady in the playoffs one time but it was that was 2009 or 2010 when they beat Brady. I would guess 2009.

I think it was 2009. But I just started Barstool. And the Patriots were not what they are now, like with Dave and everything. If the Jets beat the Patriots in the playoffs in the middle of real Barstool, it would have been insanity. The streams, the electric chair the the gloating the fan the bragging all that shit but at that point it was like i still like dave was my boss and i still liked him and i was happy to be a part of barstool and it was just like cool like the jets beat the patriots awesome instead of being like the jets beat the fucking patriots you fucking loser it

was i just didn't have the opportunity to do that. And now even as like, you know, even if the Patriots are a bad date, you know, he's just, he's a hundred millionaire. And he's, you know, busy. Like the Michigan's going to win again or the fucking Fever are going to win him $10 million. So it's like the Jets being good too early.

And now the Jets being hopefully good too late. But I never would have thought like that was not even in my brain as a possibility that on primetime national televised football, the Jets would just destroy the

Patriots. There was not even a moment. I mean, I was always a little bit nervous because I just am. But in hindsight, there was not even a single moment of worrying about the Patriots. There was not even a moment. I mean, I was always a little bit nervous because I just am. But in hindsight, there was not even a single moment of worrying about the Patriots. No. But pre-game, the day before, I had heard Jack Mack in the office

complaining about the schedule. He's like, we're playing too many primetime games. We're traveling too much. And so I had sent a tweet just being like, I just overheard this in the office. It seems like some organizations are built for the bright lights and some aren't. And then we got to the game. I took a piss before the game and someone was already puking in the bathroom. And I was like, rookies, they're rookies, man.

They don't know what they're doing. And then we got our asses kicked. Dude, I never, I mean, every time I react to Aaron Rodgers, it sounds so sad and pathetic, but it's so true. It's like, I've never seen this. It was funny pre-game. I didn't realize

it was Jets' home opener. I thought it was just... We were dialed up. They had the bracelets with the lights, and they had a flyover, and they had the big American flag. And I said to them before the game where I was, like, I always, like, have this romanticizing of soccer in my head. Like, how easy and seamless it was to get into the stadium, and how I got to my seats right away, and how games started on time.

And it was just, like, it was about the purity of the sport. Like, there's no fucking in-game ads. There's no like that it's just like hey here's a soccer game you guys want to watch it and you're like fuck yeah and then at that game and then again last night with joey chestnut joey chestnut was it was just in this it was only on the in uh arena feed but he was just hammering hot dogs in between whistles. And like between that, my experience at the jets game. And then that, and I was like,

nah, nevermind. Fuck European soccer. Fuck the purity of the sport. Let me see. Guy eat 20 hot dogs. Every whistle. Yeah,

man, that's, that's America. That's fucking a helicopter fly over his light shows who gives a fuck about this sport what else you got going on it's really so true i i never i mean the amount of times that patriots have just uh dismantled the jets in the same exact way prime time television where i would i would know like i'd be like i would look at the schedule and i'd circle them like these are going to be nights that i'm going to get my

dick kicked in and dave is just going to clown me relentlessly and like the fan base is just going to shit down my throat and there's nothing you can do about it you know and then uh and then like to be on the other side of that, I was like, what's going on? What? It was amazing. It was amazing. Everyone's like, it's your Super Bowl. I'm like, you're goddamn right.

I said I loved that clip of Aaron Rodgers. I guess people thought he was saying it's too early to celebrate. What he said was two scores because I guess the Jets and Robert Sala have this thing of like, I don't even think this is good advice either, but I guess when you're up two scores, you can relax a little bit. To me, I'm like, seven scores, 12 scores, zeros on the clock. That's when you can celebrate. But he was saying two scores, two scores,

for whatever their little thing is. So there was that clip of him. He went to hug him, and he put his hands on his chest. He said, two scores, no. And I was like, Aaron Rodgers is a Hall of Famer and an MVP, and he's won a Super Bowl. So he can tell you, like, he can say not to celebrate. You can fucking celebrate.

Yeah. Because since 2014, the Patriots are 18-2 against the Jets. Yeah. I actually thought pregame, I was talking to my dad, and I was like, I think we've won 19 games in a row here. Yeah, yeah. Especially at Mellon. I think maybe we lost that last season.

But it was some. Right. Prior to that, it was just. What's that? 2015 was the last time we won at MetLife. 2015? Yeah. I think last year we beat you, but in New England.

And I think 2015 was the last one at home. Oh, good. So maybe it was nine. Either way, it was like in the last 10 years, 18 and two. Like, fucking celebrate it. And I know it's not belichick and brady but whatever that's also the point is that like maybe the reign of terror is finally over in that sense and the fact that like they just even like down to individual passes i'm like i've never seen my team make a pass like that like some of these just like back shoulder like perfect that one touchdown i think it was garrett wilson where it was like

right in the corner and it was like that's a pick six like every other time and instead it was like right there you saw the defender's fingertips like just miss it i was like i've never seen that basketball he's only throwing the ball to him he was doing it at the end he was selecting his receivers who haven't caught too many passes this year so you got to get their confidence up we're at the point where we're just practicing out there. Eight different receivers caught the ball. Like, yeah, that kind of shit is just – I've never, ever seen it before. And I've got to give it to Packers fans.

I got a text from Hubs. I got a text from Sam Decker. I think I'd have to say they're enjoying it. Yeah, I think so. Packers fans. Yeah. And they're all like, isn't it pretty awesome, huh? Watching him dismantle a team and just pick them apart.

And I was like, thanks, guys. See, I said the same thing to Bucs fans when Brady went. And I wish now having heard Jets fans talk about Aaron Rodgers, I wish I didn't encourage Bucs fans. Why not? It's because the way they were talking about him, those fucking guys behind me. What do you mean?

They were like, that's our quarterback. That's our quarterback. MVP. Hall of Famer. I was like, he did a lot of shit before you. Fuck you. If Bucs fans were in the crowd talking about, like, that's our six-time Super Bowl champion shut your goddamn mouth listen listen you know like you

you dated her like we're marrying her you did all that work but like the rings on our finger it was like we dated you married like you know we married we had a great marriage we died died. Yeah, fine. And then they got with you after. But you can't be talking about my accolades. It was funny. I did the math. It was like he threw his 480th touchdown.

Actually, I thought this was going to be worse than it was. It was like you have to add up like all, let's say, four and a half of the top jets quarterbacks to get to 480 touchdowns but that's like most franchises i started to look around there's not really many that like yeah i think brady's is the winner on the other one it's probably like brady manning him yeah it's like really the all-time great yeah yeah yeah but like other for even like i was like we're such a bad franchise but i started to look up some other ones that were like no even like the middle of the road franchises.

It takes about four or five quarterbacks to get to 500. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of fucking touchdowns. The other thing, though, and this one I thought was going to be a big deal. And I definitely didn't do all the research on it. But he for his 480th touchdown was his first touchdown ever to a number one pick receiver first round pick receiver yeah which also i was about to be like that's fucking insane but i don't

know i started running through like brady's list i don't think he has oh that was always he had randy like later in his career he had to be a first round pick right oh yeah uh like you know aside from a couple of the the calvin johnson's the world the superstar receivers it's probably mostly not number one yeah picks you know the quarterback makes the receivers good yeah but it still sounds weird that like 480 touchdowns 20-year career you didn't throw one to one i, that's also a little bit on the Packers. Like, boy, you guys really didn't. Yeah. You couldn't get him anything here, you know?

That was, again. Because, like, even the Patriots at one point were like, we're going to get you Randy Moss. You know what I mean? So, like, at some point you got to do your thing, you know? But get him what he wants. But crazy. He also, every time he runs the ball, I like no no no i get so scared but he looked

so good running yeah i know i know i know but it's still it's he's looking to take a little which is a backhand compliment he did look spry hey he's at the age where someone can look spry yeah but he looks right you don't say someone who's like 21 is spry yeah i did like uh you know braylon allen is like looking like he's gonna be like one of the best running backs in the league. 20 years old, like the youngest, I think the youngest person ever scored a touchdown in the league. And he slipped to the fourth round because he didn't go to the combine. And his tweet was like, oh, because I didn't want to go run around in my underwear for a bunch of people. Like, that's why I slipped to the fourth round, which is kind of cool.

I mean, it's playing out that way, so you get to say that, but it's cool to think of him being like, I'm fucking awesome. I'm not going to go play around in my underwear. You can draft me wherever you draft me. I'm going to be fucking good. That is cocky.

That's quite the flex. But we're in such a, my mom is fully pulled back in on baseball. She's putting flowers on my grandma's grave because of it. We're doing weird shit, bro. We have entered a weird spot. The other day, it was her birthday on 9-11, and we almost got no hit. And then she texted me, if the Mets get no hit on my birthday, I will kill myself.

And then they ended up hitting a home run to tie it, and we won, and so the total opposite. But it's like all of her tweets, all of her texts to me are like tweets that I send. This is directly where it came from, man. So if you are a – and I know we're not the sports podcast, but it really becomes more of like who you are as a person. So if you've ever like enjoyed this show or my misery or just know who i am as a person slash character slash entertainer same thing for john like

it's all molded by this shit so i don't know maybe it'll is this the best it's definitely the best it's the three i've ever been in my life but is this the best of jets mets nicks i've ever been in your life it's so funny we're talking about a wild card team and a team that's two and one and a team that lost the second we're on top of the world right now these three dynasties we got going on i mean in 99 and 2000 99 was theets' wild card year, and the Knicks went to the finals. Rockets. Most Rockets. And then the Jets were, I don't know what they were doing in that time period.

But, yeah, pretty much. You can count on one hand the time that you're ever. I remember there was always stats. It's like the last time the Mets and Jets won on the same day, it was like a billion years ago. And that was just, like, them winning a game, not being, like, you're both good at the same time. Like, there's some serious hopes. I mean, I can't even fucking fathom.

Like, I think it was 69 where, like, the Mets, Jets, and Knicks all won the title. Couldn't imagine. I don't know what. I would be a different person entirely different like I might who knows like that maybe if this all changes maybe the show goes away maybe I become some something

entirely different I'm not doing this anymore I've won championships I can't even wrap my mind around that life so and the fact that it's like that's the first crack in the armor that he's at least admitting he can see

how he would maybe become as miserable as we are. I've always said that though. Of course it changes you. Tom Brady in my formative years legitimately gave me confidence and stuff like that. I know, it's sick.

Is that sick? He went to school in sixth grade or some shit feeling like a man or some shit because of Tom Brady's score. I was in a boarding school. Most places, you're just surrounded by everyone who loves their own team. I was in a school where

they were fans of a million teams, and I'd be like, we're the fucking guys. You've got to come through us. I always think of Tomatoes. The Heirloom Tomatoes rant from you is like, you had the confidence to do that.

And you were right on that one, right? That was the ultimate, right? That's why it was. Three more Super Bowls. Right. But specifically that year, I think, did you beat them in Arrowhead or something like that? I thought it was like a direct, like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think that was the year that we came back and won in overtime. Yeah.

Yeah, right, right. That was opening night of the 2017 season, 18 season. Yeah, it was a couple of those moments. He had the Aaron Luck, Aaron, Andrew Luck one where everybody was like, you would trade Brady

for Andrew Luck. Come on. He was like, no, I wouldn't. They were like, you're so fucking dumb. We were like, ah, ah, ah, ah,

this idiot, like, guffawing, laughing. That was the stupidest person in the world. Yeah, yeah. And like, I wasn't kidding either. I was like, I, I, not that I had any, you were so genuine. I was just like, guffawing, laughing. Like, that was the stupidest person in the world. Yeah, yeah. And, like, I wasn't kidding either. I was like, I'm not going to have any, like, foresight.

I was just like, I don't know. I think Brady's still good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were just like, I mean, I get what you're saying, guys. He was, like, the number one pick, but I just think Brady's better. We're like, yo, idiot! It was, like, so, so true. But you have, like, the confidence to even say these things.

Yeah. Do you see how much this affects us? No, I don't. Like, your... I actually kind of experienced it this weekend. I was just telling Babs with USC Michigan. And it was like a pregame with USC people and Michigan people. And I felt the power dynamic after USC lost.

I felt the shift. Like, we run the room now. And that was like a last minute last second that was a heartbreaker yeah it was tough like I don't I mean

I'm again not super attached to sports but like that was like heartbreaking and then and then like just all the Michigan people like called the next

shot somewhere to go next yeah I don't know it was just like we were all we're going here no I don't like that bar we're going here

we just won that was another issue for me or new experience for me at the game being the loser because I was like – I intentionally never spoke up and never said anything. But like mid-third quarter, I was like, I got to get out of here. I didn't want to be the person who ended the – even after the game, we're getting invited to the tailgates. I was like, Paz, if you want to go.

And I've dragged a lot of people to a lot of fucking after parties. We got to go if you want to go. Thank God he didn't. I was feeling so satisfied. Usually after losses, I have to go to a tailgate to try to make the day worth it. Not in the pain. I was like, I'm perfectly content right now. This is why I highly recommend feeling out the game, seeing who's winning, and then deciding

what team you're in. Oh, that was also the sneaky- Have you guys heard of front running? Sneaky best part of the whole night is Jackie. I'm just like, Brett Favre. Jackie's in a Brett Favre t-shirt. Hell yeah. Everyone keeps being like, oh, nice shirt.

Oh, good shirt. And it wasn't Jackie didn't realize. She thought they were just saying, like, good shirt. And it wasn't, Jackie didn't realize, she thought they were just saying, like, jet shirt. And we had to explain that Brett Favre was a serial sexual harasser who stole a million dollars from the Missouri Welfare Fund.

I was like, why did you guys let me wear this shirt? Here's his OJ Simpson shirt. No, but I mean, you're right about all those things, but it's like a cool vintage shirt. Yeah. Like, he's not that bad. Like, but it's like a cool vintage shirt. Yeah.

Like, he's not that bad. Like, he's bad. Don't get me wrong. But he's not like... It's funny because the one person who... You're disgusting for wearing that shirt, man. Yeah. You are, but people shouldn't really call you out.

People... I don't... I also don't think enough people really follow the Missouri welfare case. That's what I'm saying. Like, if you knew everything about everybody, you'd probably be like, that's gross. But, like, people wear Roethlisberger shirts all the time. Yeah, right. So it's like, it's sports.

You can do whatever you want. It would be cool if I was wearing, like, a non-sexual, whatever the fuck happens, shirt. But it's literally a cool shirt. Yeah. Right? No, it was like... Yeah, it's like that cool vintage gear that guy hooked us up with. So, you know, if it's cool, it kind of cancels out, though.

His victims might not agree but uh yeah dude did that diddy thing i know we got we'll get into all your shit but the diddy stuff is getting weirder and weirder and darker and darker and the latest i've heard is and jamie foxx was involved in this, I think, that he made people play five-on-five basketball naked. I heard that, and I couldn't stop laughing. I was going to say, dude, that is not the right way to intro that. It's like, it's getting real depraved. All this stuff, too, again, I don't want to become a ditty defender, but all this stuff, like if I was on to become a ditty defender but all this stuff like if I was on drugs

at a party I was like you guys want to play some naked basketball fuck yeah dude let's fucking do it go prep five go do it

I mean I can't even it's it's such a weird thing is it just Bieber stuff that really upsets me I genuinely I don't know what is real and what's not it's such a weird thing. That really upsets me. I genuinely, I don't know what is real and what's not.

I feel like if I was, if I was not assaulted by somebody and like the whole internet decided I was and was out there saying that, I think I would probably speak up and be like what I mean everyone is connecting the dots and really

really thinks that Justin Bieber was one of his victims with no other evidence other than like I mean I don't want to say no evidence because there was that weird video he spent the 48 hours with him Usher Usher used to talk about how Diddy introduced him to like the sex parties when he was young and then Usher was to talk about how Diddy introduced him to like the sex parties when he was young.

And then Usher was Justin's guardian and like brought him to Diddy for 48 hours. Like there's evidence in that regard that like shit could have gone down. And then this compilation here is pretty fucked up. That compilation one up there is just like how much they sexualized Justin Bieber. Everybody from like the people on The View to these award presenters. They're touching him. They're kissing him, like sniffing him. Like they were doing would you rathers with him.

It's like would you rather like perform on stage naked or like this or that. And then like the people presenting were like I'd rather you do the naked song. And the whole time he kind of like laughs and he's like I don't know man. Like I got young girls in my in my fan base like i don't think i should be naked like really actually you know handling it well and then there's an interview of him talking they asked him about billy eilish when she was uh you know going through her shit i think when she had big boobs people were talking about him and he has this like really heartfelt like i don't ever want anybody to go through what I had to go through.

So my phone is always, you know, my number is always available. Like I will help you because and he's like pausing and really like going through it. So like there's every possibility that it did. I was going to say that makes me sad. That reminds me of everything you just said. Not like I got raped. Yeah. that makes me sad that reminds me of everything you just said not like i got raped yeah well i just there's just so much like like i'm at the point with diddy where i would believe anything you know what i mean i haven't followed the story crazy enough to that there's also one where like

diddy was like why don't you text me hang out anymore or whatever and justin's like stuttering like literally you can tell he's like kind of freaking out. And there's a source that says like Bieber is like shut down and he is like a mess over this. And it's an inside source. It's not like somebody came out and like said this. But my point being if there was talk like this where people are like, yo, we all think that you were assaulted or raped by this guy. And I wasn't. I think I would be like my heart goes out to anyone who was like raped by this guy and i wasn't i think i would be like my heart goes out to anyone who was like raped by this person but like i was not yeah just because

i think that's a weird thing to let be out there about you right you know i don't want to minimize what is going on for those victims but i just want to say like it's not me so i don't think i would let that linger out there if if it was not and I can understand if it is true and you just don't want to admit it. You don't want it to be out there. That is totally understandable. It takes a lot of bravery to step up and do that. But if it wasn't true, I think I would have just debunked it by now. And I think him having not done that.

But I don't know. He also might just be like, I don't talk to the media about anything anymore. I don't know what Justin Bieber is a statement at all. Yeah. I guess he had a baby fairly recently. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But I mean, they're just the weirdest. It was like, he apparently like tried to keep all of the rooms like weren't carpeted. So that when there was the lube everywhere, you couldn't escape. There was a bed that didn't have fabrics.

The bed was slippery too. Just weird shit. Home alone shit. All this stuff though, this also does when these stories... We're the wet bandits. We got a thousand bottles of lube. Me and Diddy. When the internet gets their teeth when these stories... We're the wet bandits. We got a thousand bottles of lube, me and Diddy.

When the internet, like, gets their teeth in these stories, I'm the opposite of you, where you're like, I'll believe anything. I just stop believing anything. Because, like, it always reminds me of the... During the Flakegate. And everyone started being like, well, anything's possible then. And then they had, like, the blueprints of Gillette Stadium. And it was like the opposing team has to walk, like, a million miles back to their locker room,

which that actually might be true. But then it was like Belichick puts their Gatorade in a microwave before, so they have hot Gatorade. And then, like, they built a Jumbotron outside Gillette Stadium so he can cheat and see the uh replay before to know where to challenge a player anything like that like yeah all that stuff wasn't true right like that i i know the fucking jumbotron they're talking about that's the cbs live feed it's about 30 seconds behind game time right like all like once people get their teeth in the story it's

like they find all these little things and then make it to be a much bigger thing than the battle track was raping people i've always thought that they should do more like booby trap stuff in like it it's fair game if it's home you know you're home you think your home field advantage should be booby trap you're not just like take more advantage of the home field that was one of the uh again who knows of the truth the truth of this but like the same same rumors used to be uh had about red hourback who was the coach of the celtics um he actually did used to do that he cranked up the temperature in the locker room but even like they had um dead spots on the parquet so the the like celtics knew where not to dribble because the ball would just fall if you dribbled there.

That's smart. Who knows if it's true or who knows if it's just rumors that get started about an Evil Empire franchise. It almost feels like more work for the team though to have to dribble around that. No, we can't dribble. What if I have to run over you?

Getting backed in the corner like, fuck, I'm at the dead spot. I saw something that said We know we can't. We're like, well, what if I have to run over you? Getting backed in the corner. Like, fuck. I'm at the dead spot. I saw something that said Homeland Security has intimated that this is as bad or worse than Epstein. Where it's just like the lists and the victims just go on and on and on. But the naked basketball. And then I don't know if I guess I searched naked basketball. And, you know, shame on me. Fool me once, fool me twice. There was this video of this guy searched naked basketball. And, you know, shame on me. Fool me once, fool me twice.

There was this video of this guy playing naked basketball. Obviously like a porn star. Hilarious. Let me tell you something. The way that like a three-quarter hard dick flops around playing naked basketball is very funny. And this guy was just like dribbling around like a like a little ball in his house and i don't think it's gonna come up on here because he was just like kind of dribbling around his own apartment house door like you know like throwing it off the top of the

doorway and stuff like that and just slow motion is just like just slapping his stomach and then at one point he did like kind of like a nice like graceful layup and it went like like a helicopter it was really i was like yeah man i guess i guess this would be pretty funny yeah i think jb fox was in on that one and like that's what's so crazy is now you really are in a position of like a lot of these guys like joe budden like came out was like i partied with diddy i didn't do any of this weird shit and i've never seen any of this weird shit i think that's probably the way to handle it i think silence gets weird in this spot because people's everybody believes this yeah it's like

you shouldn't have to but i do think that's probably the move is to be like no do you think michael rubin needs to change the white party i i think yeah rebrand i think you should probably put it into that yeah we're the black party now wait no anyway i mean oh the last thing is that there's this uh alleged book written by kim porter so i do believe his ex-wife who i think is the mother of his children i think he murdered her like there's a very yeah no like there's a very uh very shady like circumstances around her death where just out of nowhere she died and the coroner report was like there was no autopsy or there was an autopsy and they like got rid of the body and there was no report there was all sorts like really weird shady shit around that

but now somebody is saying that like there's this unreleased book that she wrote that was like just on a usb thing that like somebody found and just published and it's and now people are taking that it's like some look at this thing it's like some shitty Amazon book it's not even like published through a real publisher it's just like you can buy it on Amazon and it's supposed to be Kim Porter's last words and

like that's gotta be fucking like illegal no I don't know how this works this is given me uh gone girl when it's like uh when the cops like think they have ben affleck and they're like her last journal entry is i think the man i love might kill me and he's like pretty convenient huh yeah pretty pretty convenient last entry isn't it and they're like oh yeah that's a good point

would you write that in your fucking diary also in all the photos of him it looks like his like they shrunk his face I did see that's another thing going around people were like this is not the same person like and they have like three different pictures of Diddy and it's like I don't know like one time like you, I don't know, one time, I don't know.

I could show you three pictures of Feidelberg. You'd look like entirely different people. You know what I mean? It's not, you know, any of that could happen. Did you see your latest doppelganger, by the way? I posted it on Instagram. I don't know if you saw it. It was a good one.

It was a good one. It's an enjoyable one. Let me see if it's still in my archive. I mean, there's just... I have a theory on that. Maybe you are just in Quantum Leap. Remember I showed you that clip the other day, that funny...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you guys know the show Quantum Leap? It's an old, like like 80s and 90s show where the idea was this guy uh scott bacula can jump he time travels into other people's bodies and every episode is him like facing a thing that he's got to like fix or overcome and sometimes it was just like a it was just most of the time it was just a scripted story but like one episode he jumped into lee harvey oswald's body and he's assassinating the president and like and he jumped into like famous people and that was what the episode was about it's like a good 80s and 90s show um but there is this one clip of him um i guess let me just find it can i say

this real quick yeah um tornadoes you know they can like stop and start in different place i think that if that's possible uh time travel is possible no not time travel um teleportation is possible because you could be... But you understand that a tornado is just made up of wind, not matter. Wind is matter. Point Jackie. Wind isn't matter. Wind is matter.

How is point Wilbur? Wind isn't matter. Wind is matter. It's definitively not. It's just air. We could do this all day. Wind is matter. No, no.

Give me a reason. Your turn. Your turn. We could do this all day When does matter No no Give your Your turn Your turn What's the definition of matter I actually don't know It might not be matter I really don't know I also don't know

But I'm pretty sure it's not But Like A cloud is matter Physical substance Physical substance Not matter A cloud is matter Is a cloud. Physical substance. Not matter. A cloud is matter.

Is a cloud matter? Google that. Yeah, is a cloud matter. The fact that it auto-filled. Yes, a cloud is considered matter. Okay, but a tornado. I didn't see that. Dude, that's the same thing.

A tornado is in a cloud. Now Google, is a tornado a cloud? It's a spinning cloud. We're just going to keep doing it. Is a tornado matter? Is a tornado... No! Screenshot that. Now, also, to be fair for Fidelberg, though,

it's not because of the wind. It's because of the other stuff. And that matter isn't traveling. Is wind matter? Is wind matter no it's not yes wind is considered matter and air is comprised of molecules i was thinking that that but then that then you kind of run into like everything is matter then like if you're bringing it down the molecules like literally everything but literally but that's all that teleportation would need to be it's just molecules

she's not wrong yeah you got like I'll give you I think you got the leg up on me here but but despite that I'm so proud of myself I still think there's a large difference in wind

stopping and then starting again versus moving a person from cities. It's going to take a while for us to figure that out. For sure. Because it's not, it's like, in that regard, like a car would be like time travel. Like you get in something and you move it from here to there. But that's...

You're traveling, but you're not time traveling. No, no, no, but like it's not time traveling, teleportation. Oh, teleportation, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So it's like to start in one place and stop in the other. Okay, so yeah, like in Kevin's thing, like, it's not time traveling. Teleportation. Oh, teleportation, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So it's, like, to start in one place and stop in the other. Okay, so, yeah, like, and Kevin's saying that then, like, a plane teleports me. No.

I'm saying, and listen to my words clearly. What a tornado does is it just stops all of a sudden and then miles away it starts in a new location there's like not like a linear you know drop it linear yeah but all of that stuff it picks up in that new location isn't the same it left could also argue they're different all that wind and debris and stuff it had it doesn't still have that over there. Well, this is, now we're getting into like tornado science and I don't know. I gotta watch Twisters again. I'll figure it out.

Now we're getting into tornado science. I've done half the work for the scientists. Now they can pick it up from here. Why, how did we even get up? Oh, because yeah, your latest, there's yet again another doppelganger of you. And

you're just killing the aerobic scene, man. But I was thinking that you're so everywhere that maybe you are like you quantum leaped leapt into that guy to do that Durex commercial. And you quantum leaped into that girl

watching the Illini football. And you're actually like, you know, solving crimes and figuring out puzzles and saving the world. I hope one part of me is doing something that matters. I'll hold down this part. You go do other shit. I specifically remember chipping my pinky nail

the other day and I remember looking at it and being like oh that's a sharp edge and then I woke up the next morning and they were both intact so in another timeline

I have a chipped pinky nail which is not as cool as your leaping that you're doing but I am also quantum leaping so just don't leap so you think someone leapt and fixed your nail and came back?

Or what's your theory? I don't really know what happened, honestly. But I just think, like, I think I'm remembering another timeline when I have a pinky nail that's chipped. And I've said this before. I don't want to get – I get so into it, whatever. But, like, I'm currently in the midst of, like, something because I keep having memories of something, and then I think again i think again i'm like wait that's not a real memory like it's always

right before i'm falling asleep it's like almost like a dream those are called dreams no no no but it's not but then i'm like i'm like oh yeah remember the time when like that happened and then i think again i'm like wait that actually didn't happen at all but that's never happened to me before and it will not stop happening to me so you're dreaming you're like you're remembering uh thing that never happened to you yeah it's like the same thing as when i talked about like shutterstock university like i remember for sure going to shutterstock university anyways i don't know i just went whenever yeah i'm just screaming into tell me tell me about shutterstock university again i just like had a dream where like i was so certain everything was the same but everything just like had a dream where like I was so certain

everything was the same but everything was like a little bit different like all the memories were just a little bit different like it was like this friend group but like something tragic happened to them I can't. It was called Shutterstock University. And then I went to and I remember being like oh I went to Shutterstock University

but it wasn't Shutterstock University but it was something that looked and sounded like shutterstock university the logo of shutterstock university and then but it's not just a dream no no no no it was like i woke up being like that was the weirdest thing i've ever experienced because like i it felt the same like it was every i don't you see we gotta get you to like a hypnotist or someone to tap into these things and let you know what's going on film it i. I'm probably just going crazy. I'm not in the clear yet for schizophrenia. Like 27 is when it starts to develop for women.

So I think I might be developing early stages of that. We can see. Put a pin in it. Let's circle back at a couple birthdays for now. What do you got for us today? Oh, we missed Jackie's birthday by the way Yeah I completely forgot

I was going to bring that up Maybe next week You got to do your 25 dumplings Okay Okay It's okay That's why I was getting When you said you were 25

I was like no you're not But you had just turned it Yeah I just turned 25 That makes more sense Because I was like You're definitely not 25 I could have sworn It was in October

Could have sworn No Maybe you're right I don't know Maybe you were Time teleporting Yeah I

This was when I was in Italy and France So Italy and France? Did I not mention this? Oh my goodness Did you post any pictures I can see?

That's a great question Oh my god I forgot to make The Bitches Sick this weekend I've been on's a great question. Oh my God. I forgot to make the bitches sick this weekend. I've been on such a roll. Well, you know how I said the sending thing was getting to me? The what? How I can see how many people send my Instagram.

Now, every time I post something, those KFC radio fans are like, this is so fucking gay. I did it to myself. You opened up a box on that one, man. Never let them know you're man. Never let them know your weakness. Never let them know. Wait, how would you have made the bitches sick? Did you do something this weekend?

You went to the Jets game? No, no, no, no. I did make the bitches sick. What did you do this weekend? I went to Austin for Pop Punk. How was that? It was good. Why did you do that?

You were filming it? I was filming, yeah. It was sick. They were like a real band filming it i was filming yeah um that it was sick like they were yeah they're like a real band they're like a real band it was like insane roan is so cool like he's so cool you just be like the front man for a band yeah no problem yeah i'll do that he like holds the mic like upwards like that i'm like why is that so cool yeah um yeah and then came back michigan usc game lost that was it bitches could have been sick over that yeah i mean there wasn't much

austin trip to see pop punk like you i'm assuming you're backstage or you're filming whatever you're doing you could have made bitches yeah yeah i just more want to keep the momentum going no you got to keep them sick i I know, I know. Got to do it. You're a young girl. You're allowed to do it. We can't do it. If we make bitches sick, we look like losers. It's an all-inclusive thing.

Anybody can make the bitches sick. Game Time is the official ticketing partner of Barstool Sports. We love going out to live events, whether it's a concert, a football game, a comedy show. We always use Game Time, the official ticketing partner of Barstool Sports. We love going out to live events, whether it's a concert, a football game, a comedy show. We always use Game Time, the official ticketing partner of Barstool Sports. I went to this weekend or this week. I went to the Jets Pats on Thursday with some other folks in this room.

That one wasn't so good. Friday, I went to O'Mary. That one was fantastic. So it's always worth going out and getting your best tickets possible to great live events and experiencing the emotion in the room. You know how much we love Game Time. Now with their brand new Game Time Picks feature, they're making it even easier to get into a game.

You thought it wasn't easier? Well, guess what? It is. Game Time Picks filters out the fluff to show you incredible deals on great seats so you don't have to waste time searching through thousands of options hockey's around the corner so i was looking for some brewing tickets see when they're in the building when they're in town for the rangers island or stuff like that and they had amazing game time picks deals for great seats only and uh all you have to do is you pull up your chosen event turn on the gt pick setting at the

top of the screen or browse the best local game time picks deals near you on your game time app home page what are you waiting for go have some fun you've earned it game time download the game time app today and use code kfc to easily score great deals with the new game time picks what time is it game time who uh what do you got? Speaking of the bitches getting sick, yesterday the WNBA playoffs started. And first of all, I watched a lot of the Fever game. It's crazy. What time is the Fever game on?

3 o'clock. Okay. Because the Aces and the Storm, which I understand is West Coast, but they had a 10 o'clock start after the Mets and Phillies. As the Mets game came back from commercial, they were showing Asia Wilson showing up in her suit being like, next up. I was like, next up? It's fucking time to go to bed. You guys are starting at 10 o'clock.

That's crazy. I'm so glad you said that. Because every sports league does it now. Every team does it. The Fit Picks, the runway to the locker room, all that shit. It really pushed them to the WNBA. I saw Bleacher Report was doing it for Caitlin Clark and for a bunch of the other Fever,

and I looked at the Fever Twitter page, and they had the whole team's Fit Picks. How stressful must that be to be a woman and be like, I make $70,000 a year. And now I gotta be the fashionista. I gotta go to Target and put something together for this. Like, dude, I make $72,000 and I play for the New York Liberty. I have four fucking roommates.

Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, I'm'm wearing Forever 21. This is from Sheen or Shine or whatever the fuck it's called. You're going to have a caption like, the girls are flashing out tonight or whatever. You're like, God damn it. How am I going to live up to this? That is a very good point.

Those girls should be playing that card. They should be talking to their team, being like, you've got to hook me up. If we're going to be walking the red carpet through the tunnel every time new york liberty you better be sending me those fits because i can't afford this shit i can think of like me like walking into the milton office they're like all right here's the fit i was about on a wmba i was a little lower than a wmba salary then you really were it's sickening it's sickening that's like a pretty comparable salary doing the 360 camera and all that shit here's fights his t-shirt he stole from the corner of the office

yesterday and like even even for you know some of the good ones it's tough like if you're a nobody in the wba you're supposed to like show up looking like something get the fuck out of here crazy putting on a hoodie and pulling it tight and running through there that is very funny um but the uh one of the two other things i had the uh oh the i had two unbelievable headlines i found this weekend not found but like just saw um one was this one on uh on uh new york only instagram it said fourth person this year passes away due to subway surfing in nyc i don't think that really classifies as passing away he quietly passed uh on the roof of a subway, smashed into the tunnel, obliterated his body.

Imagine your buddy got his head cut off, surfed the subway. Yeah, my friend just passed away. No way. That dude died. That dude died horrifically. That's like the kid getting his head hit and hereditary you're not gonna say he he quietly passed away his head was obliterated by a fucking telephone and then the other one was the new york post it was the best and the worst and they had they had

this headline he was reading to you guys in the car it was uh loner stabs himself to death. Hey, let me, let me figure it out real quick. Uh, okay. So it says loner stabbed himself to death while separating two frozen burgers with a knife. Yeah. With a knife. Yeah. Okay.

But think about what that fucking really means. A guy who lives alone was cooking dinner for himself, slipped and like, it makes it makes him seem like he's some psycho murderer, like, desperately depressed guy. It's a guy who was just cooking dinner, and the knife just slipped. And now the New York Post is telling me 25 million, it's, like, written by your high school bully. This fucking loner loser stabbed himself to death. Like, dude, I didn't stab myself to death. I had an accident, and it caused me to die it's a humongously different story so wait what do you think he was doing like he was you have the burgers yeah we've all stuck a knife through two patties

before yeah but how he just did it in a dumb way i'm just like into his stomach and then you're a loner so no one's there to help you. Maybe if you weren't a loser, you would have survived, burger boy. This headline could also just be, man who worked really hard and can afford to live alone has unfortunate accident while making himself a healthy dinner. Loner stabs himself to death. Go down. I want to see some more of the details on this. Boy, these pop-ups.

It's like we're back in 2010. Oh, my God. Never mind. It's not even worth it. A U.K. man stabbed himself trying to separate two frozen burgers with a knife in a freakish accident. 57 died after he accidentally plunged it into his stomach. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I pictured the stomach. So you got those Bubba Burgers, those frozen patties. Trying to pull them apart. You can't. You start to pick them apart. You can't. Then you just.

But I feel like you would hit your hand before you get to your gut. Yeah. I mean, it's not good. It's a freak accident, but he's not. He didn't stab himself to death. Yeah. I picture this to be like the Joker or the Riddler or something like that. Leaving a note.

These burgers are my last meal. Also, the phrase stabbing yourself to death makes it sound like you're happy. Yeah, I was thinking like... A knife? I accidentally plunged a knife into my own stomach. That is not a great way to go, though. Let me tell you that much. Oh, you see that there's a couple.

The first couple that is ever going to use the swedish suicide pods switzerland sweden whichever ones yeah yeah um you know i'm talking about those things you get inside them it like sucks all the air out and puts like nitrogen in the pod and you just go to sleep yeah um this couple i'll tell you what, man. Bitches, man. These bitches out here. She's terminally ill, and then they together have decided they don't want to live anymore without each other. That's on him.

That's on him because of her. Yeah, but I'd be like, shut up, I'm not dying. Well, that's what I mean. But that's what I'm saying. That is 50 years of mental abuse by his wife. Well, if I'm gone, you're gone.

And he's like, okay, sounds good. That is the ultimate. If I can't have fun, you can't have fun. You can go out with your girls. It's fine. If you go out with the boys, I'm mad. That's the ultimate. You can die.

I'm going to go have a good life. But if I die, you have to die too. Bitches are terrible. To be fair, it's kind of a shoe on the other foot. We've kind of been driving that bus for quite some time. What, that... Yeah, the funeral pyres and stuff like that. Yeah, when we used to put you in the pyramids with the... Oh, yeah.

The king died and he's like, well, my wife's coming with me. Yes. But that was, you know, different. That was a long time ago. Yeah. They got the idea from us. People are painting it as like so romantic. I think that's insane.

First of all, if there's, I mean, if they are truly all alone, then maybe. But if there's any grandkids or kids or anything at all, and you should be like, Pop-Pop's going to just go kill himself too. He's totally fine, but Grandma's got to go, so so does Pop-Pop. I actually don't hate that whole idea. An old man living alone gets weird. Killyourdad.com. Killyourdad.com.

Yeah. What about that? If you live a long life and your wife dies you should probably go to you can't be left to your own devices that is and this is an astute observation you know what ends up happening you end up stabbing yourself to death that's an old man who's like i never that she always separated the burgers but i i think i don't think there's many will be have been many instances of a dude being like i'm terminally ill come on you're gonna die with me right i mean yeah with the what you just said but like that was like pharaohs back in the day it's also just like a pushover and it's that's what i'm saying tough time to be a pushover i think yeah i think this guy has had 50 years of just like

you know she like pushes him to do stuff and he just rolls over. Happy wife, happy life. And now it's to the point of like happy dead wife, dead life. She's gone. You're gone, bro. That is, I mean, they're old and whatever.

They have their reasons, but it is pretty crazy to just walk in the room and be like, I am healthy. I am good. And we are going to die. As a woman, we're not, I'm not claiming,

we're not claiming this. We don't get points against us for this. This is a, this is a weird couple. You're the one die. As a woman, we're not, I'm not claiming, we're not claiming this. We don't get points against us for this. This is a weird couple. You're the one dying. It's your, your side's dying. You know?

I'm sorry. This is on your jacket. Your side should speak up if you don't want to die. But he probably wanted to, but after 50 years of not being able to speak up, he's probably like,

I just got to die. You don't understand the amount of stuff that guys will do to just stay out of trouble all the way down to death because if that guy says no she's gonna be like what oh what are you gonna move on without me what are you gonna go fuck somebody you're gonna fuck somebody in that in that old folks home is that what you're gonna do and you're just like i don't know just fucking kill me just suck the nitrogen out of the air

or whatever but like that's but that's that's ultimate pushover. Like, yo, she's going to die. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you got to just dig in deep. Like, I'm not doing it. You're going to die. I'm not going to. You know what would be kind of awesome is, like, at the last second.

What did you say? No, telling the guy. Being like, don't actually. Yeah, yeah. I think they're in the same pod. But it would be kind of funny if it was, like, two separate things. It's like when you go to tell the bartender, like, just give me water and put like a lime in it.

So people think I'm drinking. Just pretend you're in the pod. Like you're looking over at her. It's like you're having the wrong reaction. It's supposed to be all peaceful. Would that be considered murder then if you guys made the decision together and then you were like no no yeah i mean if that's as murder as windows matter the the i i do think i actually i do think that old people should die with their wives though because because unchecked testosterone is dangerous.

And if you've lived with checked testosterone for so long. Because every time you're a guy, you're like, I should do this. And a woman's like, you fucking shouldn't. You stop having that safety net of like, I should do this. But also you're 80 and weird. It's not comfortable for anybody. Dude, there's a feeling i think i said this recently like when you break up even if you were in like a good relationship whatever as a guy when all of a sudden you're just free it is a little bit overwhelming where it's like i can do anything wait a minute like anything but again you're young

and at least have like hopefully your brain's working and shit if you're 85 and you have that all of a sudden that's too much dude i i kind of had it the other day i was on the subway and uh as well i was gonna see oh mary very funny go see it um and uh this is gonna be followed up by something so stupid i was i was on the subway and um i noticed a woman uh breastfeeding and so i like averted my eyes and didn't look and dude my fucking brain the whole time was like what are you doing there's a titty in the room it was like it's right there it, dude, there's a fucking titty in the room right now. Don't look at the titty.

And it was like, it was like for like five Subway stops. It was so stressful. I was like, will you please just put the titty away so my brain can rest

for one second. That is like why they had like dress codes in middle school. Yeah, the boys would never be able in middle school Shoulder, shoulder That is exactly what I picture a male brain There's a titty, there's a titty

There's a titty, there's a titty There's a three feet away Just look at the titty Just please look at the titty I'm begging you I'll stop, I'll stop Just give me one look and I'll stop I swear to god

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We'll get into voicemails in a second, but I just saw, did you know? This is what we used to call it, like, we used to have, like, send us your best facts or whatever, right? What did we call it? Fun facts. Fun facts. Fun facts. That's the phrase I'm looking for. What's that white liquid that comes in a gallon?

What do we call it? What's that thing? Fun fact. The voice of Mickey Mouse and the voice of Minnie Mouse are married. Yeah, I knew that. You knew that? I did not know that. But I can't say it surprises me either.

Been a lot of time together. I guess so. I have a testosterone brain. I'm't know that. But I can't say it surprised me either. We spent a lot of time together. I guess so. My testosterone brain. I'm trapped in this room with a woman for... This is my wife now. Yeah, but like... But you could easily be like, I'm the voice of Goofy,

and I fucked Minnie Mouse. Yeah. You know what I mean? The fact that it's like, Mickey and Minnie are actually married. Minnie and Mickey were a thing, right? I was going to say, I don't even know if the cartoons are actually married. They are?

Yeah. Yeah? Definitely. Yeah. Do they have like kids? I don't know about that. They're not technically married. Very progressive. Yeah. They're not technically married. Very progressive.

They're depicted as a couple, but they are not. In private life, Mickey is married to Minnie. That's a quote from Walt Disney. Crazy. It's a bit of an open relationship once he gets on the stage. They've been together since 1928, caring and supporting for each other, the ups and downs of their relationship i love to think of fucking the ups and downs of minnie and mickey like like

he hit her one time it's like it was just he was drunk one night he really you know the highs are high and the lows are low it's fine we love hard we hate hard but then like they do shit like this like they always see them kind of yeah i I was definitely under the impression that they were an item. But I never saw them married. I like Paz breaking down the Zapruder on it. He's like, look at this cartoon. They're obviously married.

Look at them. They're kissing. They're kissing. They're always doing this kind of bullshit. What am I supposed to think? Listen, they're always doing this kind of bullshit, though. What am I supposed to think? You don't think, though, like if you met the real voice of Minnie and Mickey, if you were like, hi, nice to meet you, you're like, I'm Mickey. I do the voice of Mickey.

You'd be like, oh, wow. And then you'd be like, this is my wife. She does Minnie. You would just be like, that makes sense. Yeah. Oh, I think I would. Yeah, definitely. I feel like that's a – That's like the quarterback and the lead cheerleader.

Like, yeah, you guys are supposed to be together. Well, yeah, they're supposed to be, but it feels like something that doesn't often happen right like it should be this way i'm happy that it's this way yeah i would be sickened it's like when you find out that like um when you find out that like a star and one of like the side characters are an item you know what i mean yeah it's like oh you should be with the main girl right you're actually just like married to like the pharmacist or whatever you know what i mean where it's like, oh, you should be with the main girl, but you're actually just married to the pharmacist or whatever, like Leonard or some shit,

you know what I mean? Where it's like, you're close, but not... I mean, do you think that like Lola Bunny and Bunny and... Bugs. Bugs? You're struggling tonight. I swear to God, I have Alzheimer's. It's crazy.

I was about to say Babs Bunny and Bunny Rabbit. You forget more than the average person, but you just really harden yourself for it. I'm so fucking stupid. No, but you know who I am. It's so true. I forget you all the time. Dude, calm it down.

It's literally not that deep. What is stupid? it's literally not that huge it's not that it's just that i used i'm like i used to know these things if i was forgetful all the time it's like my brain is getting worse because i used to know bugs bunny's name yeah i guess i'm pretty tough on myself all right all right what up kfc fights pads jackie uh so i grew up in a town and went to college in a town where sweet corn festivals were regularly a thing in the local small towns so senior year of college, me and my girlfriends and buddies go to the Sweetcorn Festival in the town we go to school in. And Smash Mouth is the act that night. He must have had too much salt and butter on the corn that night because Steve Harwell, the lead singer of Smash Mouth, had a heart attack on stage, had to be gurneyed off into an ambulance. I think that actually started the end of Smash

Mouth, that incident, unfortunately. And he has since passed. So my question is, you get to pick a random celebrity, a random local event like a sweet corn festival, and a medical emergency. Any combination of the three. My question is, what combination of the three do you think makes the best, most interesting story? Thanks a bunch. Love the show. That's very funny but first of all like way too casually discussing like you guys know we have sweet corn festivals does anybody know what that is what's a sweet corn festival i it's a he took me the third time around he was saying sweet and not street corn which for some reason to me i think has is more

deserving of a festival street corn corn? Mexican street corn. Yeah, it's just better. If I was going to play at a festival around corn, street corn is getting the festival. Sweet corn is pretty good, man. You ever had that Jersey sweet corn? I don't think I've ever had. I've had corn and I've had street corn. Well, I don't think street corn is like a thing. I think sweet corn is kind of just like there's corn that's a little bit sweeter.

Right. So what's the other one? Salty corn? What's the other one? They're just like less's corn that's a little bit sweeter. Right. So what's the other one? Salty corn? What's the other one? They're just like less sweet corn. Yeah. So it's corn. This is corn and then there's sweeter corn.

I'm going to say Al Roker shitting his pants again at like a bingo. I want Al Roker to shit his pants at local bingo you guys know the story of Al Roker shitting his pants at the White House you know who Al Roker is yeah this is crazy I always forget about these things you guys probably just don't know these things Al Roker was the weatherman for like CBS or NBC

for like forever he was the weatherman and he was just fat as shit. He was huge. And he lost probably like, I would say over like 100 pounds. He was like huge. And now he's like this skinny guy, and he kind of became like more of a personality once he like lost weight. And he tells a story in his book, and then I think he talked about it in some interviews.

Like he was at the White House meeting the president. I don't know which one it was at the time. But he was like such a character in the news that he got to go to the White House. And he shit his pants at the White House. He just gambled on a fart and shit his pants. Yeah. That's awesome. How did this become public knowledge?

He told the world. He told the world. He openly offered that up. There was also somebody who shit their pants meeting the Pope. I think it was a president who was meeting the Pope shit his pants. I don't think I know that one.

Yeah, I think there's a story about that as well. But I personally would call that a medical emergency, shitting your pants. I mean, a heart attack is a little more morbid medical emergency, shitting your pants. I mean, a heart attack is a little more morbid. I call shitting your pants a Tuesday. I was going to say you. That's just a regular occurrence. You guys shit toilets?

I shit pants. Come on. What are you totally doing here? Medical emergency. Oh, Biden. It was a rumor that Biden shit his pants at the Vatican. That's probably not true. But it could have been at this point.

This is hard. I'm stuck in kind of a base in reality type thing like this. Razor Ramon came to Fall River but he was doing wrestling. It wasn't a medical emergency he was just blackout drunk um he's just a wrestler yeah yeah it's kind of like shitting your pants

like this is a Tuesday that's just we had the Iron Sheik who was also a wrestler he came to the saloon back when we used to do barstool parties we had a Wrestlemania party and so I got Iron Sheik to be like the the meet and greet guy for the party and he sat there i think we paid him like a couple thousand bucks too by the way to just like sit there and he had a belt on and he had like the the chic like outfit on and he just sat there like genuinely like a corpse like just no nobody behind the wheel probably completely shit-faced, would like sign autographs. Like people would just like lean in, take a picture, lean in, take a picture. And he just pissed.

And I remember there just being like, like just dripping like from the chair or his pants or whatever it was. There was just a puddle of piss. Oh, and I forgot this. They brought a bowl of pasta with them. What? I'll never forget. It was some sort of broccoli pasta, something like that. And they pulled out a bag that had Tupperware, and they opened it up.

And he just, BYOP, brought his own pasta. But yeah, he just pissed. And I think he was probably old and didn't want to get up. It was a long night. We were his own pasta. But yeah, he just pissed. And I think he was probably like old and didn't want to get up. It was a long night. We were watching WrestleMania, taking all the pictures. I think he just didn't want to go to the bathroom. So he just went. I was like, this is fucking disgusting.

Disgusting. So I went home and then The Undertaker lost. It was like the first time The Undertaker lost. Oh, I remember that. I was watching The Hooters on Route 1. I left early and I missed the Undertaker losing. Really? Because I think, if I have my WrestleManias and my Saloon parties lined up correctly,

because I was like, I can't be here anymore. There's a pile of piss. There's a puddle of piss right there with the Iron Sheik. He might die right now. I almost lived one of these. Mine would have been the Iron Sheik at Saloon WrestleMania party died in a puddle of his own feces. You know? This close.

I just thought of one. Jason Derulo breaking his leg on the stairs at Cannes. Make it come true? Yeah. It happened again? And then it'd be like, no, that's fake. I honestly hit his head. He's like, dying. No, it's just fake.

No, it's fucking for real. It happened again guys I always think like the most random celebrity I can think of is Mr. Mosby I don't know if you guys

would know him because he also he like killed somebody at one point and I was like the Suite Life the Suite Life guy the bellhop right

so Mr. Mosby killing another person at I don't know any event a street corn festival. Hammered because he was drunk was the thing. He killed him with the car? He was a manslaughter.

That's a little different right now. Different than straight up murder. I'm watching The Perfect Couple. I'm halfway through, I think. What do you think? My prediction right now, and I don't know if this is going to be accurate, I think it's going to be the mom of the bride because they keep showing...

Okay, guys, based on your reactions, it's not that. No, I'm just trying to look straight ahead because I don't want to give any reaction. They haven't shown her at all, but they just keep showing her with these pills that have caution on them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's my prediction right now i predicted this right

the show when this when i watched this episode i watched i've seen the full show but when i watched the first episode and it was just maybe thursday wednesday i watched it i was like how when the when the intro starts i was like how the fuck has everyone not told me about this show oh yeah i know when it's like the clap on the beat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. I love it. When it first cut in.

They do that. What's that? It's like in Bollywood films. They do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. By the end of it, I was like dancing with them. It was like the only intro that I don't skip.

I think. It really doesn't fit the vibe. At all. At all. Well, Keegs told me that it was supposed to be a scene. So the whole cast was told to learn this dance and they scrapped the scene because they thought it was dumb and liam schreiber was like no i'm doing the fucking scene yeah and everyone's like oh liam wants to do it all right

let's do it we'll dance and then it became so funny they're like we gotta use it let's just make it i can't even think like i guess I understand where it could fit in and, like, the wedding, like, you know, celebratory stuff. But it is very strange. Is that the hat Marty's wearing? I don't know. It says Summerland. Isn't that what the house is called? There's a lot.

There's, like, I think other places called Summerland. Yeah, I guess so. In Santa Barbara, there's Summerland. But I thought the show was great. Like, it's exactly, it knows what it is and it is what it is if that makes sense like what kind of accent is the cop the female cop fall river kid oh really she's from she's a handsome woman yeah it is uh she's tough honestly keeg said it bothered her it i guess that means it's good if it doesn't bother me it sounds fake is it

a real accent a fall river accent it's kind of her accent like is she i wouldn't i i you know like i i don't know i obviously don't have it um i would say a fall of action she did say fall river in it yeah that's right it's like a mix of it's like boston with like a little providence in it like uh but yeah i mean it's if you wanted to do a Fall River accent I guess you probably just stop drop your R's like and she does it occasionally and sometimes a little too much but it's not jarring to me so I guess that's a good job yeah this is the year of the touchdown the TD the tutty taking it to the house in for six whatever you call a touchdown

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gaming resources, see dkng.co slash ft ball what's up kfc fights the rest of the gang uh jackie congrats on third mike by the way very well deserved um what's something that you guys are very confident that you could do without any prior training or experience or anything like that. Like for some reason, my Instagram algorithm keeps thinking or it keeps showing me a horseshoe replacement videos. Like I've never picked up a horse foot or a horse of,

um, but I've watched dozens, if not hundreds of videos at this point. Uh, I feel pretty confident that i could do it honestly um yeah what are your guys's thoughts on that subject also side note if when you watch these horseshoe replacement videos a horse hoof is like a giant toenail on a horse. I don't know. Something just is unsettling about that.

Later. He is right about that. That is unsettling. Sometimes they poke a hole and liquid comes out. It's like an abscess. They just drill a hole and it just comes flying out. You watch a lot of this? What Kevin's done to the KS Radio YouTube algorithm. Yeah, yeah.

It means nothing. I use my own. But I click on there every once in a while. I know. Every now and then I'm like, fuck, they can see. No, don't. Don't. Don't even read it.

I swear to God, they're so embarrassed. You watch a lot of YouTube? No. But what I'll do is I'll search specific thing like a like a dermatology term or like an injury or whatever all these like weird things that i'm so like interested in and i'm like and then i see that i know i'm logged in and i'm like fuck there was a period where somebody on the account was clearly trying to learn how to make chicken i don't know if that was me which is like chicken

like breaded chicken like chicken how to make it from scratch who was that who else has access to the account it used to be Nick I think Nick had it my brother could have it

there's a lot of people out there you're one big family when you share search results I was like oh my god I'd rather them see my porn searches than this why is this neck cracking videos

there's a lot yeah okay the neck cracking is fine sometimes when you're if i'm searching for like pimple stuff it's disgusting i know it's disgusting but it's just like no i'm back you i the pimple stuff i never go searching for it because it feels but like i can't get myself to take that i absolutely could be a dermatologist by now like like i watch these videos sometimes and i'm like this is ridiculous they're using the wrong tool. Like they're obviously if you like, like, like sometimes there's like two pimples that are kind of like together.

And I'm like, if you're pushing on one, it's only going to push it into the other. You're not pushing from the right angle. I'm like a full blown dermatologist. Absolutely. Like, like I know, oh, these are, these are connected. You need to like snip this. That'll all come out at once. You need to push with this tool and scrape with that one. Why aren't used why aren't they pushing they're just using a q-tip all that

shit i could be a full-blown dermatologist the other day she had a pimple on her blackhead on her nose and like it was just there and i just you know it was like they say not to touch them or pick like anything you're just not supposed to do any yeah and it was just there long enough and i was i was at um we were all at keegan's baseball game yesterday and i was just looking at it and i was just i was like literally just like kind of talking to her and i was just like and i just went in and did it she was just like what's happening stay still it was so satisfying i was like get more pimples i need to do this i don't think i have anything all right well i was if he didn't say something like that

to trigger that I was like I have no skills yeah by the way being able to replace a I get what he's saying he's watched a lot of videos like hell no

I can't be in the same room as a horse you would get kicked in the fucking face what? I can't be in the same room as a horse yeah imagine walking up to a horse

and being like I'm gonna grab your leg and like and hammer at you like no fucking shot how about this the other day yesterday um one of the doors in my house just fell off just fucking fell off i'm starting to think that the people were there so infrequently uh when before i bought the house

that just like opening and using doors like it was just closed so it was fine yeah and then we leave it open and the weight's different so like it just like the hinge just like broke off and uh the hinge was still connected to the door but it broke off the wall and so there's all like the holes are still there and the hinge is still perfectly on and i'm like i don't know i gotta go get some new screws or whatever but the screws the holes in the wall are uh have been like they're too wide now from years of weight or whatever. You put the screw in, but it just doesn't catch on anything. So my dad's like, do you have any matchsticks and glue? I was like, I guess so.

I started digging through it. And he just breaks up some matchsticks, puts them in the hole, dips the screw in glue, and then just screws it in. And the matchsticks make the wood tighter, and the glue just catches on with the screw and the matchsticks, and it just works. And I was like, how the fuck do you know this shit? I actually have seen videos. Of that?

Yeah. Weirdly, it's so insane that you said like one of the one you knew of the obscure thing i could just like but like i've seen it used like with it like it's like i don't know why i ever had this on a on a feed but it was like there is a tool that does the same thing yeah like when you put it when you screw it you you drill a hole into like cement and you put this like plastic thing thing in there and then you screw it in the screw like grabs that right because i've done that with some of the like if you're hanging a picture those they come with that but he was just like matchsticks and glue i got you and i was like man i don't know any of that you just like had it you know i'm like what else do you have in that brain you

i like i had heard something about like salt in a battery and so like but i didn't do any research so i just like salted batteries and i just like had it didn't work any research, so I just, like, assaulted batteries. And I just, like, it didn't work. It just, like, they were, like, seasoned batteries. You probably thought assault or battery. And you thought that that was a thing. No, assault for, oh, my God. There's no way. It's just an assault and battery.

I'm an assault and battery. Football players love this trick. I mean, that's exactly what happened. the if it's like based on real like i guess it's it's like i saw the other day like this guy who has like i don't know like it was a sponsored not sponsored whatever suggested post and he had like 10 million followers or whatever the fuck he had and he would just do a workout that some celebrity had said once so it's like he does like three pull-ups and then he's like do that 20 times and blah blah do that shit i can do that yeah you could do workout stuff but like that's not anything you could do coding videos. Teach us all how to code. I already taught myself how to code.

Girls who code. Shout out. Girls who code in soccer. Soccer coding experts. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I also, I think I could do everything. Like, I have, like, confidence.

Yeah, you have the ultimate confidence. I'm young. I have confidence. Yeah. Like, yeah, you think you could just do, like, anything? Yeah. Like, the Olympics. Every time I was young. I have confidence. Yeah. Like, yeah, you think you could just do, like, anything? Yeah. Like the Olympics, every time I was like. Equestrian is, like, one that I'm like, just sit on the horse.

Dude, Keegan said that to me the other day. I wish I was recording. He goes, so this is a sport. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, but the horse is doing all the work. I was like, you are right, man. Like, it's pretty hard to be a jockey. And he agreed that racing, but he had seen the dressage or whatever where they just jump.

And he was like, the horse is doing everything. It was so fucking funny the way he was saying it. I was like, word, dude. You're right. But you think you could do everything, but sometimes you don't record ATI or something. You know what I mean? That was one time. You know, you ever think about some of the things you mess up and then think, oh, maybe I can't do everything?

Yeah. I mean, like I time and time again prove myself like I can't do it. Bull riding is a big one that I always like. For some reason, like just sit. It's like the same thing with equestrian like just sit on the horse and don't let go or sit on the bull have you written a bull and like if I've yeah whenever I've done like one of those like mechanical things it's a lot harder than do you ride it for a while or are you like on like you just fall off like enough

time where for like a good few seconds it is just like just don't let go how many seconds do you think you would make it on a mechanical bolt because this is something we could probably prove we could find this and do this i think i've done like 33 seconds that's a long time i don't actually know was that in front of shane gillis that was the one yeah i think so 33 seconds he called me last night in the middle of the mets yan-Yankees. Ninth inning. Just calls me and he's like, you're gay. He's like, you really care about this, huh?

And I'm like, dude, fuck off. I was like, if the Phillies walk this off while I'm on the phone with him, I was like, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to find you and kill you. I was like, I'm going to wait until Notre Dame is down on the final drive, one minute left and I'm going to call you. And he was like, don't compare this

to Notre Dame. And I was like, this is my Notre Dame. And then he just kept doing this thing. He called me twice and he would just, at the end of the phone call,

he'd go, ah! I'm pretty sure he had a shit face but he'd be like, the Mets stink, you're gay, ah!

And I was like, I'll never forgive you. I was like, kill us. I'll never forgive you for this, you asshole. Did you see the Social Bank Arena? He set the record for most tickets ever sold to it this weekend. For one thing?

I think for a single event. Jesus Christ. And then I saw it on my feed because they collabed with him, Social Bank Arena. And I just saw Ari commented, this happened because I promoted it on my podcast. But I don't think that bowl was going very hard. I mean, 33 seconds on a bowl. Okay, maybe it wasn't 33. On a bowl, it could go eight seconds. Yeah, in real rodeo, eight seconds is the thing. Oh, okay. Maybe it wasn't 33. I think if you go eight seconds.

Yeah, in real rodeo, eight seconds is like the thing. Oh, okay. Maybe it wasn't 33. I think 33, they would be like, get this bitch off. We'll get you on a mechanical bull. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll get you on one. Okay.

Other than that, I don't know. I'm sorry. All right, let's get into our interview. We got a very funny comedian on the show, Greg Stone. I'm going to go as far to say that this felt like 2018 Chris DiStefano vibes. Where he came in, like when we booked Chris, they were like, he was on Guy Code and Girl Code and did MTV. And at the time, I remember being like, I wanted to go home that home that day and i was like i guess we just got to do this interview and chris came in and i was like that's the funniest person on the planet earth like thank god we did this interview

that dude is so funny and like he is going to be a star and obviously we know where where chris has gone he i don't know if i'm supposed to say this but he was talking about doing dancing with the stars yeah do it i was like you idiot that, but he was talking about doing Dancing with the Stars. Yeah. And he didn't do it. I was like, you idiot. That would have been incredible. Chrissy dancing with the stars would be insane. Now Dwight Howard's up there winning the whole thing. But anyway, Greg Stone came in and ripped this place up. I mean, it was his show.

Really funny. It was his show for 45 minutes. It was like show. It was his show for 45 minutes. It was like, wow. And so it's been a while since we've had like a lesser known name that maybe people haven't caught on to their work yet. And I highly recommend listening to this and then checking out some of his other work because this shit was funny.

So Greg Stone on KFC Radio. Let's talk to him. Running late, no time for breakfast, and you're starving? Been there, brother. Been there. Got meetings, got practice, got school pickups. I got it all. But if a delicious, nutritious meal, what if a delicious, nutritious meal could be ready in seconds?

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that I am genuinely excited about. You can try Huel today with 15% off using code KFC at Huel.com slash KFC. Fuel your best performance with Huel today with 15% off using code KFC at Huel.com slash KFC. Fuel your best performance with Huel today. How you doing, man? I'm great, man. I just got a fucking apartment like 20 minutes ago. Really? Yeah. Congrats?

Or is it one of those ones where you just got raped for like 15% of this and double the rent for that and all that and you're miserable about it? No, no. Full nightmare. I just had two kids. Put the mic there. Let's just go. Let're miserable about it. No, no, full nightmare. It was, I just had two kids. Put the mic there. Let's just go. Let's just do it.

No, I'm just kidding. No, no. Yeah, no, I had two kids, and then, like, our landlord was kind of kicking us out. And so I was like, what am I going to do with my fucking family? How old are the kids? Two and one. Fuck. Yeah.

Anyway, he kicked you out? No, he was like, my son wants to live here, so we're going to have him live here. And he was like, you know, you got time, but I'm like, when you do comedy and you have to show brokers stand up, they're like, yeah, you don't have a job. They're like, you don't have a job. You wasted your life. Your family shouldn't love you. And so we went down.

So we went to, I was like, let's just check this one place in jersey and we checked this one place it was like a full fucking house and it's right by my family and we're like oh man this is gonna be something else but i'm leaving queens which i've been here since 2008 forever oh wow that's a long one i was like oh man the end of a fucking era yeah that is um so how are you feeling i I want to fucking... I fucking... Not great. Not great at all. You're going through it, man.

Yeah, this is wild, man. Also, fun fact. I didn't know I was going to tell you guys this, but I just put this denim jacket on, which I haven't had since last year, and two vape pens. I went, oh, vape pen, what the fuck? Took it.

Now I'm high as fuck. And I was not expecting to be high. So we're just dealing with that. And I don't know you guys really. I tried to jam in as much information as I could. So we're coming in depressed, high, horny. Always horny. That's just there.

Dude, welcome to the fucking party. Depressed, high, and horny. That's the checkbox right there. I'm like Bruce Banner. My secret is I'm always horny. Anyway, that's the checkbox right there. I'm like Bruce Banner. My secret is I'm always horny. Anyway, sorry.

Is this thing on? I'm just touching shit. Let me tell you this. I used to roll and work in microphones. I can handle a screw. Microphone. Anyway, how are you? Good, man.

But wait, wait. So Queens, for how long? From 08 to now? 08 till, yeah, till October 1st. In the same place or just bouncing around Queens? Two places. But that's still, so like that's like your stomping grounds. It's been life for the last, you know, almost 20 years. But like to move to New York was a thing.

It was like I'm moving to New York to do comedy. I worked in an ER and like I was like, I was like on this track to be like a nurse or a doctor. And I was going to be none of those things. None of those things were going to work. But I was like, I'll do some of this shit, quit that and move to New York. I'm going to fucking do it. But now that time in my life is now done. I did it.

I did it and now it's like go home with a family. I'll still, of course, do comedy, but it's going to be – it's a different – I'm not going to get – like Count Druncula is dead. That guy, we're putting him to rest. It's a whole thing. I got to ask something. What does on track to be a doctor mean? And also, doctor and nurse are pretty...

I was on track to be a doctor. You could be anything if you just think it. There was no on track. I worked in an ER and one of the doctors was like, you could do this. And I was like, I have dyslexia, ADHD, central central process i could have done none of it but i was like i was on track you know i thought about it you know like the new nike ceo who was an intern 28 years ago he's like i'm on track to be ceo just give me a scalpel i'll be fine yeah i'm on track to be a will ferrell currently it's like none of that's happening it It doesn't matter. Fuck it, man. Anyway.

I mean, that is... So two kids and the move to the Burbs, relatively all at once within a couple year span here. You said two and one, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They're crazy. It's going to be great.

No, it's going to be awesome. My life is in the toilet. It's in the toilet, man. It's wild. It's like, man, I'm happy because you can be happy, right? You can just be like, oh, I'm happy. Like you said, you can just tell yourself. You just go, I'm happy.

Yeah, I'm happy. When are you depressed? You're depressed when you go, oh, that sucked. I worry about it. But if you just sit here and go, I'm fucking happy. It doesn't fucking matter. Trick yourself. Right?

Just trick your fucking self. I love my kids. Sure. Allegedly Supposedly I'm married I don't have my ring on Because I fucking threw it

Because I saw her When I walked in I wasn't sure what to do I swallowed it immediately It was just a reaction Sorry Too horny to survive What am I doing?

I'm high Enjoy yourself What do you got the internet? Honestly No You're going to the wrong place you got, the internet? Honestly, no. No, you're going to the wrong place. If you want the internet, you're not in the right place. Arsenal Sports, internet empire, no internet in the States. I mean, talking about coming in hot.

Oh, yeah. But I mean, I saw you on Soder's podcast. Yeah. And I've been doing podcasting probably almost as long as you've been in queens right and so i've seen and heard a lot of clips and a lot of stories and you feel like you've heard them all or at least you know the funniest things you've heard all the funny stories that could be possibly told yeah yeah on the podcast or doing the podcast or watching someone else's but the the ultimate pleasure oh yeah is something that

stopped me in my tracks and i was like i need to talk to this man so the ultimate pleasure and i'm sure it's something you've told and if you're so i mean so many of our fans are soda fans so this might be some overlap for some of you guys but a it's it's worth hearing some of those details again and b if you haven't heard it you got to hear it so it's a pleasure i gotta say i'm kind of glad you asked about this because on sodas podcast i talk about every now and again but i got a bunch of messages were like how the fuck would anyone ever admit this shit right and i'm like yeah because i you're not me right i'm not you you'll you'll never be me dog you know what i mean you'll never be me this is. You know what I mean? You'll never be me. This is why you're commenting. You're not me, dog. Yes. And I don't

know what I talked about on Soders, because Soders is my old high guy, so I just got high for that one, too. But I know Soder and I are cool, so I'm like, it's going to be fun. We always get high together. So I don't remember much of it, but Ultimate Pleasure is... I'm glad you're talking about this, because I really want to explain the world of the

Ultimate Pleasure. You are like... It is like a George R.R. Martin Game of Thrones thing. Explain the world building you have done for the ultimate pleasure. You sure it's a two-minute story, but no, it's a mindset, you know? So the ultimate pleasure is just easily, is every year on my birthday, I do something sexually that i've never done before preferably something i was scared of right something that you go i would never do that right and where it really comes from is when i used to work in the er man you see so much old man dick like so much old man dick that it's just because like i had an old man and his dick was out and i was like oh i gotta put that in the catheter so he can pee see this is this is your face, right? I get this. And that's how I was.

I was you, right? But when you look in the eyes of an old man who's like, yeah, I can't do this. And you got to do it for them. You can't be like that. No, you got to do it. So you jerk these guys off. No, I'm kidding. You kind of scared me for a second.

I was like, is that a thing? You got to get blood flow or something? Check my face. I was like, oh, no. I was like, hey, he's on track to, you got to get blood flow or something. Check my face. I was like, oh, no. I was like, hey, he's on track to be a doctor. He knows what he's doing. Yeah, man, I can get him going. No, so you'd like, you have to like help with getting catheters and shit, right?

Yeah. And you deal with so much dick that you went, oh, this is just a piece of the body. But I've been spending my whole life afraid of dick, right? And so it's kind of like Batman where you're like no I gotta become the dick right I gotta like immerse yourself right the dick we're I'm also a different age because now people are younger no one's really afraid of being gay anymore yeah I was raised to be afraid of it like and that's a problem to sit there and go like no no I can't rollerblade cuz I'm

good you know it's like no man fucking rollerblade man so what if you like Barbra Streisand? You know, like, do the things and don't let these fears, right? So I would be so afraid of dick, right? So then, so the ultimate pleasure, I think that started with, because ultimate pleasure

is every year on my birthday. So there's multiple birthdays that have happened. About 43. Yes, yes. And this is, it can be alone or with somebody or it has to be sex or masturbation or what?

It's always masturbation because I'm married. Got it. And you're not having sex. My wife. You walk in on your birthday and say, honey, today's ultimate pleasure day. And she says, yeah, okay. Maybe for you. Not for me, pal.

Get the fuck out. So also like with masturbating, right? It's like men, we just go, that's stupid, right? Women got a lot of things right. A few things they have right is when they masturbate, they get a glass of wine, they go in a bathtub, they treat themselves. When they go to the bathroom, they sit down. That's better. We all know that's better, right? There's so many things that they just do better. Let me tell you, masturbating is one of them. Why are you going to treat yourself like an animal? No, respect

yourself. Respect yourself, respect the jerk, right right so on my birthday i treat myself all right i i set up a bunch of screens i tell my wife to get the fuck out of the house i get a candle going i go this the masturbation on my birthday is special this isn't a wednesday jerk this is a birthday jerk right and so i try to bring something new in right and the first one was uh was I was like uh I was afraid to put I was like I you know people talk about shit in their ass all right I'm like I'm like I've never done that I was like well maybe I should try a finger maybe I should try a little thing I said well my birthday's coming up you know maybe this is what you got right you're in ass so I was I was like, all right, I'm going to try it, right? Look, even if you try it, like who does it, right?

Who puts things in their butt, right? Gay men, right? Yep. Gay women. Bisexual men. Bisexual women. Not straight men. Well, if four to five dentists told you to try a new toothpaste,

it's probably a great toothpaste, right? So I'm sitting here like, there's this awesome thing we're not doing because I'm afraid. I got to do it. I got to try. I got to at least know, right? Right. So I'm like, all right. So I get the screen set up.

I do the whole thing. I went to Spencer's and I got a little vibrator from Spencer's. You went to Spencer's? Oh, no. It was so embarrassing. The lady was like 16 and I was like, this is for my daughter. No, daughter no no no i didn't know i just bought a thing i felt so weird i was uncomfortable right i was like i'm gonna try i was like i'm gonna just try i'm gonna just try it right i'm gonna try it right so i try it and uh the minute i tried it uh i had a searing pain

in my side and it crippled me i I fell to the ground and I was naked. Because you go full naked. Yeah, of course. On your birthday. You're making love to yourself. You're making love to yourself. Yeah. Right?

I looked at the sky and I said, dear God, not like this. Please don't let this be how I go out. Right? So like a soldier, I army crawled to the bathtub. Because I was like, at least people think i was taking a bath right so i threw myself in the bathtub i with my foot i turned the water on and i'm in i'm like i'm like what the fuck am i gonna die my wife comes home and uh she was like what is happening and i was like uh i don't know i think i'm gonna die you know and she was like why why what is this trail of

lube like a snail and she was like you know we got in the hospital i had a kidney stone but i had a kidney stone attack like literally when this whole thing went down and because of sodas podcast i think it was because i got high and when i get high i get my mouth gets dry and i think i just dried myself out which made the fucking kidney stone worse. Yeah. Get up. Drink up. Yeah, I hear it now.

So let me... Yeah. So that was one year. Right. Did you have... Was the vibrator still in your ass in the tub? Oh, I wish. That's funnier.

That's funnier, but my body kicked that thing out Like a Again It hit the window Broke It ricocheted Killed a cop I did three years in jail for that

Are you crazy? Yeah No And I'll be honest man Like I I didn't like Love it It was fine

You know it was fine Right I was kind of upset It's kind of a letdown you know but whatever next year's next year you know ultimate pleasure yeah number 44 or whatever but i have a real thing where i'm like all right if you're afraid of something sexual right like you should try it and i was like you know um you know like with you know with with dick is weird so anyway let me take this other one one. Stop me if you heard it.

So my wife and I, we went through some troubles with sex. And that's kind of how a lot of this happened. Like, we were having sex. My wife's been through some bullshit. And we're not going to talk about that. She's married to you. I know. She likes to look funny, which is crazy.

I will say this about women. You like funny men. And that doesn't make any sense. They don't. Because it doesn't translate right like when i'm fucking i'm not like well aren't ninja turtles weird like it doesn't correlate when i'm fucking you it's awkward like it's so weird it's funny everywhere else but at that point you have a good time yeah um so like we were having some issues with sex and i'm like i'm not gonna cheat on my wife so i have to make masturbating so fucking good right i have to really bring i'm gonna put everything into this

so a couple hundred dollars on an oculus uh i got a fucking flesh a fleshlight i got from a comedy show this lady lisa ann she was a porn star she did a comedy show and uh she left one or gave it to me i don't remember the story. Stole it from her purse. My brain is all lies now. I don't know what it was. I don't know if that's a lie I told or I just bought it and that was the excuse. I no longer know what's real anymore. So I was like, all right, I'm going to put that thing in between these bins and I'll

hang it down. I got the VR on. I'm watching VR porn and I'm like, this is fun. Let me tell you this. Go ahead. Where is this? In the safety of your home brother oh with the number the q69 bus uh no uh in my uh in my office like i have an office uh which yeah you know don't go in there yeah yeah so i was like i'm gonna set this thing up it was during covid and i was like i'm gonna you know do the vr thing

and i say don't do it it's too good it's too real so if you're gonna do it like again christmas your birthday that's it you know yeah you can't you become addicted it's a problem i had one one experience with the oculus uh adriana chetchik was a uh a nurse of some sort and i remember you know i'm looking around like wow you can see everything but then she whispered in my ear and it played in that speaker and i went nope nope it was like you know it's like i i tied off and was ready to shoot i was like nope this is gonna be a problem yep this is too real i like it made me i was like nope nope nope so i was like yeah i'll never leave this will be on my head the rest of my life it's like well women i don't need you anymore.

Thanks for the time. But I'll be over there forever. That's the thing with like sex robots, too. It's like, man, that's really going to help a lot of people. But I was thinking about this. This is like a fucking half bit. I'm kind of running. But like, you don't want to get the sex room.

But that's a sex robot. So you got to like, they got to make them so they do other things. Yeah. You know, it's like, oh, this is a shame. It's like, it's a robot that makes breakfast. And you can fuck it. You know, like yeah you know it's like oh there's no shame it's like it's a robot that makes breakfast and you can fuck it you know like and then it's like well i got it for the pancakes it's like yeah really i read it for the story yeah it's your bang made yeah i didn't hear what'd you say your bang made oh you're banging yeah i still just laughed and kept it going i'm horrible so i get this oculus thing and i'm like all right that's cool right and i'm like, all right, that's cool, right? And I'm like, all right, what have you not done, right?

What have you seen, right? And I see this one category, and it said POV woman. And a big improv rule is follow the fear. If you're scared of something, you've got to go after it. And I go, what the fuck is POV woman, right? So I go, let me try this out. I put it on i look down i mean i think i could figure it out what was gonna be but yeah i look down and my god

if i didn't have the greatest set of tits high high high heels i'm like what is this and i'm like this is crazy i'm a woman and i'm a hot woman and then he comes in and i was like oh my god like well greg this is what this is right this is what this is you gotta you gotta know what this is you gotta know what this is this is an experience in life that you will never have i'm i'd love to say i would but i'm probably never gonna fuck a guy right and i don't really want to but i could you gotta know you gotta know right i'm doing this to my wife that's like having a cop like they have to mace themselves to know what the mace is like i'm like i should know what it is right man he pulls his dick out and it goes right in your face and i i swear i feel bad saying this but i was like no no i know i'm not ready

you know and um my wife came home and she was like, why did you smash the Oculus? And I was like, we have to get another one. I have a mission to complete. Now that part is not worth it. No, but I was like, man, I was like, but we, I think as men, are like so scared of this shit. But once you like look, you go, oh, the worst case scenario is you just don't like it, right? Or you just don't prefer it, you know? But this idea that we cringe and get weird is like, yeah, that's a problem, man.

That's going to keep you from doing shit and experiencing. God isn't real. When you die, nothing happens. All the countries have been discovered. The only thing left is fucking a dude. No, I don't know, you know? I fucked a couch. When you you're 16 you fuck a couch sure you fuck anything yeah right except to do it exactly i don't know so until now but one day

i can't anyway how do you know when i'm done i just go and see yeah i mean like what what is the the the post nut clarity on on ultimate pleasure day like when you're done you're just like like see you next year just like all right like good job pat on the back sort of thing is it is it a uh do you feel gross afterwards right no i don't feel i feel gross when like i don't know like if i'm with my pants and my legs and my you know like my everyone's sleeping on the couch it's dark i'm like what the fuck is this right but this is like nah man like you went to a place that people are afraid to go to you're going like i was a chicken finger and hamburger guy that meant my wife my wife is thai her mom is like i only like fish when i can see

its eyes and i'm like that's fucking weird but now I eat weird shit because, and I was afraid of it. Yeah. Right? So I'm like, I don't know, man. Ultimate pleasure isn't just about sex too, right? It's about doing everything you're afraid of. It's about facing all that bullshit. You know what I mean?

Like, you've got to put that in every aspect of your life. But I just, the funniest angle is jerking off. This is just where it's the funniest, you know? But, yeah. I was going to say, you have one of the best mindsets I've ever heard. Yeah. You are. You're a trailblazer.

I had a roommate for, like, three, four years who basically ultimate pleasure day was every day. He would come home from work, and he would – I thought of this when you said POV woman because I vividly remember his preferred porno to masturbate to, which was amateur POV milf blowjobs. That's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah. And he would come home from work and he had like a dog shit job. I had this job. He had like a dog shit job where he hated it and all that stuff.

And all he lived for was coming home every day and masturbating and he would do it for two hours every day but he would do it like like it wasn't two hours straight like he'd come out he'd go he like he would walk in and he'd walk in the house and he'd go right to his bedroom and then he'd be in there for like a half hour but then he'd come out naked fully hard and he and he'd grab... He passed you. Right by me, yeah. This guy's a problem. I've got to be honest. I'm getting a lot of flags here. Do you ever play hockey? I've never played a sport in my life, brother.

These hockey guys are as gay as they come. We were like, that was the least weird thing about it all. Oh, okay. But he'd come out, and he'd grab a beer, and he'd go back into the bedroom, and I'd hear one or two of those crack, and he'd come out and get a shower, and he'd go back into the bedroom and i'd hear one or two of those crack and he'd come out and get a shower and go back in the bedroom for another half hour and then he'd come out and it was almost like he was finally himself for the day like he'd he'd washed off he'd beat out every single sadness and depression of his work day and it was like okay i can finally hang out

with you how's things going how was your day i got two things on this okay and if that's okay yes please one is i think my man may have had a dopamine problem yeah right clearly is addicted and multiple pleasure does not promote masturbating uh addiction right because that's an issue right like it is really about seizing the moment living in the moment keep doing the best to everything uh a second thing is is it 10 000 hours before you're a master like this guy seems like he may be on some other level. Actually, if I look back on it, any regrets I'd have is that I never went in and was like, I just watched for a second. How exactly is this going on?

It's not a horny thing. I'm watching LeBron play in the fucking playoffs. Yeah, I get that. He's got that look, like the meme. Yeah, every time he comes You've got that look like the meme. Yeah. Every time he comes, he's like, Kobe. You never know how, I mean, what someone else is doing. When he first jerked off, he went like this.

First time he ever jerked off. It's insane. I didn't know how. My very first time. His brain said go underneath. I was on the ski bus. Like my middle school, I was hanging out with the eighth graders on the ski bus. I was a sixth grader.

And we were on the back of the bus with the cool kids, and they were like, you don't jerk off. And I was like, I've never jerked off. I don't know how to do it. They're like, dude, you just go up and down. It's so easy. You got to try it tonight. And I was like, okay, cool. And I got home, went to the bathroom in my sister's bedroom.

The kids had a floor. We all, whatever. Back like the kids had a floor. We all whatever. And back it up. Back it up. You were in your sister's room. All the kids had bedrooms on the second floor, but the only bathroom was in my sister's room. So we all use that bathroom. Got it.

She wasn't in there. Dang. I hope you're right. I was going to say. It's a little bit. Is there a lock on that door? And I just I laid on the bathroom floor and i put my legs back and i jerked it off like that i laugh every time i hear that man

i don't know i don't know why that was just instinctual where i went i hadn't seen instinctual is crazy that's like the exact opposite of your family members before you have ingrained it in your DNA. Yeah. The exact opposite. It's like, everyone else just naturally goes like this. Right. But your DNA went, Hey, Siri, remind me to try from underneath you.

I've never done that. And then I didn't, I didn't come. I was still firing blanks at the time. So I was like, I went back and I was like, nothing shot out like you guys said. And they're like,

you gotta do it when you have to pee. Oh, yeah. Sixth grade jerk-off info is so funny because they know nothing. So another time, I just jerked off. Another came out, and I just pissed everyone. Boy, I got to be honest. This is going to be a real mess. I was supposed to do this like twice a day when I'm a kid?

Jesus. I kind of know how a squirter feels when the first time they masturbate. It's like, Jesus, this is going to be a nightmare. Drag clean bill's about to go through the fucking roof. Oh, man. Underneath, it's like an Amazonian position. Thank God, like, nothing.

This man's a real beater. We always say, are you a real beater or not? If you know the Amazon position, you are a real beater, sir. Welcome to the club. Big laugh on a pass. And you know what? Jackie's just laughing along for the fun. She doesn't know it.

She's writing her memoirs like, I can't wait to sue the fuck out of everybody in here. When Me3 comes out, she's ready. I don't know if we still... Do we still have the gape gloves? Yeah. See those white gloves there? Oh, yeah.

Well, I mean, I'm sure you might be familiar with this as well. The gape gloves. Have you ever seen this? The what gloves? They are pretty much what you think of. It's when everybody's using a ton of lube, and so everything's slippery, and there's this one porn production company or something?

Yeah. Whatever. One porn company. He's a porn star, too. Is it just him? I think he invented it. Okay. And he wears these gloves that allow you to still be able to grip

when there's too much lube. When you're inventing things. Yeah. So I think they refer to them as gape gloves. And we joked, we put an accent on the E and we called them gape gloves. The new hot item for the winter, you got to get your gape gloves. But yeah, when you're running around being like, hang on, I got to get my gape gloves that I just invented for this scene so I can still put a speculum in there or something like that uh it's funny if he sold them but only sold like

one pair you know he's just like hey i know rick has them you know oh man there's only one guy out there that's hilarious beater we also we had a uh uh many years ago every every march we tried to do a something that would complement march madness so i would do like the top you know the bracket you know so i would do the bracket of like the best tv villains or the best tv sitcoms and we're gonna vote on it and decide who the winner is and then one one year uh uh this this guy used to work with us joined in and we tried to do a full tournament of porn stars. When you're listed at 64 porn stars, you know? And even I, I'm like, I think I

I've been around the block. I think I know, you know, I could do this. And I started to get, you know, to like double digits and I was like, I don't know how many more I know. And this guy, and I think you were pretty good at it too. I was pretty good at it. He was like, YP had it it all i mean he he had you know it's one thing if it's like this is my number

one versus my number two whatever when you're distinguishing between number 47 and 48 on your list of porn stars you're in deep right right like this guy should be at least in the 30s this girl should be in the 40s yeah and when when i saw that full bracket i was like this is perverted and we were like publicly posting it and voting i was like we need to maybe rein in it this is getting this goes to a place i had the opposite happening recently as we were doing some event and i was talking to some of the younger employees and they were like dude we're at a club last night and we saw blank i don't remember the name right and they kind of gave me a look and it's like i don't who is that right and like you don't know her she's like the hottest porn star in the game right now and i was like damn i like you're that

guy levels of aging like right like i remember when like my favorite sports stars were my age right when i got older right now i remember like when i started being the age of coaches right and now i'm like i don't know young porn stars anymore i might be a good thing no i don't know i don't know man some things i don't like i don't mind not knowing the slang i don't mind not knowing the music i think i going to know who the poor star is. Because that doesn't really ever, you know. They'll find you. They'll find you. They'll make their way to your feed. Don't worry.

I mean, because as an adult, you know, you start to use those slang words. You sound like an asshole. You listen to those songs. You probably are going to hate those songs. Right. Show me the newest porn star. I'm probably going to be okay with it.

Yeah. I could probably still indulge and enjoy that one yeah that's fleek i don't know i have a theory it's crazy because i'm 43 and i just had two kids right yeah so i used to look at that like oh adults they're corny they're dumb dads bull you know they they don't have fashion but now i get it right like i'm older and i look at kids and i'm like oh you're all stupid right like you're all stupid you're ignorant you're too horny like it's all fucked up it's like why would i want to emulate anything like you yeah it's like oh i'm not out of it you're not there right like also every new shirt i buy is a shirt i don't get my kid so it's like if you

see a dad wearing a shirt it's like i hurt my puppies and my kid. So it's like, if you see a dad wearing a shirt, it's like, I hurt my puppies, and it's like ripped. It's like, yeah, that guy's putting his kid through college. Give the fucking guy a break. We're not learning your words. Fuck off. You people are stupid. You're stupid and horny, and they're out of control. Dude, every night I'm on stage,

and especially at the cellar, it's just people trying to fuck each other. And I'm trying to make them laugh. And sometimes if I say something vulnerable, they'll be like, not me, dog. And you're like, yeah, man, you've got to relax, dude. It's like, yeah, you're probably gay, man. It's okay. It's okay.

Or maybe you're not. But you definitely saw a bigger dick in porn and kind of liked it and it freaked you out. It's like, you're okay. We're all okay. We've talked about that before. When you get to the stage, we're like, I don't know, that dude fucks pretty good. I'm searching male porn star names.

You never know what you're going to get with the chicks. That's why I stopped learning the new chicks. You do know what you're going to get with the guys. He's always going to deliver the same thing. This time she does it this way or that way. He's always always gonna do his thing yeah the express brand is all about creating confidence and we are moments away from creating a lot of confidence for one kevin clancy he has had to run out me and paths are going to set him up

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szn so you can experience the hype for yourself do you when you are um on stage and you're like you see people being lovey-dovey and stuff like that are you ever like do you ever go home and you're like i wing manned for like fucking 50 guys so i will say this i will when i'm on stage and i used to you know as a comic i used to be like hey who's this chick fuck you bitch or whatever you know like but now i'm like ah man like these people are trying to get laid or trying to have a good time right i'm not gonna like embarrass them you know it's not it doesn't matter for the like i'll write my material but i'm like ah man these people are having a good time and now as a dad i see parents who are

like oh that guy wants to kill himself it's like like, he's here tonight. I should not turn on the crowd or be mean to the crowd. I'm going to just try to make these people have a good time. Because, man, life fucking sucks. It sucks like a dick, dude. It really sucks. Such a dick. One of the big ones that he was talking about. As you get older, there's just more shit to worry about.

Right. I was just thinking the other day about when you're young and there's just nothing to worry about. Oh, there's things to worry about. You come up with them. You're just not aware of it. Yes. You just don't know you can die. Right.

You know what I mean? You can fucking die doing all of that. Yeah. That is true but but but just you know there's not enough things not enough time has elapsed for like people to get sick or people to break up or have a kid or whatever it's just like i just haven't been on the planet long enough for any of this shit to happen yes all that's happened is like i you know i got fucked up and i played some sports when i was a little kid now i'm just like watching tv yeah it's happened but you had 10 or 15 more

years a lot of shit happens for you to worry about i'm like can we go back to the not happening yeah please so i can just have ultimate pleasure yeah dude my best i have two best friends actually very very close friends who are younger because they're comics and they both had two big breakups and it's so funny to me to watch that because it's like yeah i don't give a shit like i know what you're going through but i also know you're going to get through it be fine i also know you need this in your life like to not have your heart devastated you wouldn't be getting the full ultimate pleasure of life right like to me the goal i would love to get to a place where pain isn't negative like pain is just another part of the spectrum you know where it's like you if you had a book that was your life would you want to have guy wins guy kept winning guy won it all right no

you want your heart to get destroyed i i'm married i love my wife i don't think we're ever going to break up so i will never fall in love again right like i'm done probably with that um i have nostalgia for heartbreak i hear old songs and I'm like, oh, fucking Nicole. So I try to tell them, I'm like, dude, one day you're going to look back and you're going to want to remember this pain because you don't get that pain anymore. It's interesting. Yeah, yeah. So like, and also breakups are like, it's like a dry run for death and no one dies. So it's kind of a cool, it's like, man, be in that moment.

Feel that moment. It sucks. You're going to get through it. But write that shit down, man, be in that moment. Feel that moment. It sucks. You're going to get through it. But write that shit down, man, because this is where all art comes from. You're going to fucking, you're going to miss this later. We were just talking about a couple who is in either Switzerland or Sweden. They're going to use the suicide pods they've come up with because she is terminal and she's going to die.

And he, they decided together that they don't want to live without each other and i see what's happening here she's gonna go he's like oh you know what i gotta get out of here that's what we were saying is like you know of course all these things are always stereotypical but i would imagine there's not many guys out there being like i'm about to die of cancer you're gonna go with me right right whereas you know yeah it's really funny like we're doing this together right no bitch you got yourself you got cancer not me i'm fucking good man i told you to put the cigarettes down just because i imagine it was something like he was so preventable they argued about it all the time well my my my bigger feelings on that are like look man like you need to go on because like she's just a part of your life and like yeah you know you may like i had

this conversation if my wife dies or something like i'm probably not gonna get another wife i'm fine i'm gonna just be with my kids and be good but that's my life i'm not gonna be depressed right i'm like no no i'm. I'm good. We did it. I had it. We're done. When I worked in the ER, this was like the most eye-opening shit was that I met a guy. He was 95. He was on his way out.

And he was telling me about his wife. And he was like, I met my wife. You know, he had a wife who had died when he was like 30. And then he met a girl at 90. And he was like, this is the love of my life. I spent five years with her. And it was amazing. And he was like, this is the love of my life. I spent five years with her and it was amazing and he was like,

I couldn't believe this came at this time and I'm happy and you think about that shit of like, oh, like you could be in a relationship for five years or 20 years but you don't know where that is going to happen in your life.

For this guy, it happened at the fucking end. You know, so like you don't know what the next chapter is going to be. You don't know what any of that shit's going to be and so it's like, I mean,

don't, I mean, if you're a terminal, like get out of here. You know what I mean? Call going to be you don't know what any of that shit's going to be and so it's like i mean don't i mean if you're a terminal like get out of here you know what i mean call it a day you know yeah well we also thought the idea of unchecked an unchecked male at the age of like 85 who has had a wife keeping him in check for you know a couple decades where it's like you're now left to your own devices you can do whatever you want probably not a good thing like he was probably like i'll be dead within the week anyway yeah you know trying to do the ultimate play like you know i got he's 85 he'd like discover his jackass for the first time holy shit that's a great joke yeah that's how you end up dying in the bathtub you gotta fucking plug in your ass and you're yeah i love that was funny when you were telling the story on soda you just kind of

casually like so like i got like a plug in my ass and sort of was like wait what and then you said it earlier all of the countries have been discovered we have mapped out all the countries we know exactly where they are right i mean where. Right. I mean, where else is there to fucking go, man? What else is there to do? It's inner. It's all inner shit, you know? And for me, you know, you got to get rid of all these fucking fears and weird hangups that your stepdad beat the shit out of you so you don't do things because you've got

to be a man. It's like, no, you don't. Yeah. You just got to. We're all going to die. Whatever your morphine is until you go, take that morphine, you know? Yeah. Get that shit.

But like, not real morphine because your life will probably be more miserable. But like, you know what I mean? Find a metaphorical morphine. When is your birthday? June 19th. June 19th. Okay, so you got some time. You gotta.

Yeah. What was this year? Man, this is sad. We skipped this year because my fucking son was born June 18th. No way. It's really hard. Talk about ultimate pleasure. I know.

He really ruined it. I was trying to jerk off in a cool way today, son. You really fucked me on that one. Isn't that kind of weird? The ultimate pleasure was the birth of my son. I thought it came out of somebody else's vagina. You and i'm like oh man it was an exit not an in that's gonna fuck up your whole schedule going forward i was gonna say that like that's a problem well truthfully man i'm done pleasure no i finished the ultimate place seriously i think

i've kind of finished and now it's more just like concentrating on like different mental and life experiences and things like that of like all all right, what are you like? This is going to sound real fucking lame, but it's like, I'm going to paint a picture. Like I'm going to do something that I would never do. I get that. That I was scared of doing. But what you do is do it with a plug up your ass. Yeah.

Well, I'm no longer afraid of being gay anymore. Like I'm no longer afraid of being gay. How long were you afraid of being gay until? Until the very first. What time is it? No, not I longer afraid of being gay how long were you afraid of being gay until until the time is it uh no not i was afraid of being gay i was like i don't know you had that i had that guy in my head still screaming like don't do shit right and i don't really truthfully it's like i don't believe in sexual orientation i think it's such a stupid fucking thing i believe why you have to be i believe you say you're gay and you have to be gay because people will look

at you and go gay is bad right so he's like no i am but the truth is like having sex with a man falling in love with a man to me is like do you like mushrooms on your pizza like you like it you don't who gives a fuck why are we doing any of these things based around these such simple theories it's like it's all bullshit made up categories right if an alien came down and was like oh you fuck them and not them why you don't fuck them that's crazy skin color is crazy no one cares about a skin color that's all wild bullshit you know so i'm done so ultimate pleasure like i i could see though even let's say you want to do like this painting or some shit right your son's gonna be like you know june 18th might be on a friday his party's on a Saturday. Ultimate pleasure for you is fucked, dude.

You're going to be at a three-year-old birthday party this year. And I don't know. Maybe you're going to get real crazy with it. And ultimate pleasure is going to involve them. I don't know. You'll end up in jail over the ultimate pleasure. I hope that, like, there's, like, 14. And my son's like, Dad, we're going to go after my birthday.

And my wife is like, he's in his office. And he's like oh it's that time already he's pleasuring it up right now a little early he's like we wanted to get it out of the way so we could enjoy your dinner or i pass it on to him the tradition of the ultimate pleasure yeah i mean like you said the dna the kids is in his room can i tell you this also this makes me fuck this is the thing it gets me the most is it like man i don't know how old you guys are but i'm 40 and when i hit i'm 43 but I hit 40, I became really scared of death. You just have to get really old.

I'm 39. I'm starting to feel a little bit of that, yeah. Yeah. When you hit 40, just something goes like, fuck. When you hit 40, you go, I'm 60. And the reality is, you're not. You're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I really, especially having kids, I keep thinking I'm going to die early. But with that comes, man, if if i die early all my kids are gonna have is every podcast i've ever done they're gonna know their dad in only the funniest ways and not like it's like oh yeah my dad was great he used to fucking shove shit up his ass and uh didn't believe you know and like it's weird for them to have to go down this journey and see like the jokes i made that were probably off color you know what i mean and i'm like least of the problems you know yeah i gotta just do a podcast called for my son or it's like hey man here are the things that i want you to know i've thought about that i mean i used to do a show

called pod fathers where we talked about just like what it's actually like to be a dad with the other dads at the company because all those help books yeah other podcasts are such bullshit you're dead yes my bad what do you get i what do i got what do you got brother i got a uh uh eight-year-old daughter and a seven-year-old son oh just same almost same as you you have a boy and a girl two boys two boys but same age is just you know same difference um so uh you know the idea behind it was to be like, this fucking sucks a lot of the time, and it's hard a lot of the time, and all that sort of shit, because...

But then I'm like, would I want to be hearing that? You know what I mean? No, but the reality is... You were the fucking worst. But everything that is worth anything in this world is hard work, and the way I look at my kids is the way I look at comedy. If I said to somebody,

if someone was like, hey, I want to do stand-up, I'd be like, okay, well, most of it, you're going to fucking bomb. You're going to go on stage. People are going to tell you no. You're going to get these mean comments.

But every now and again, you're going to go on stage and you're going to fucking murder. And that's what having a kid is. Like, man, it's the hardest thing to do, but it is also the biggest reward. But it wouldn't be worth the reward. Like, nothing that

great should come easily and the hard part is what makes the greatest thing in the world is to me it's like man we're our bodies are engineered to have children right so we get you get all the fucking dopamine from that right the only thing we need to do is procreate so you get the biggest from that uh so it's got to be the hardest it's got to have the other side would not be worth it if it wasn't so hard you know what i mean i mean i don't know though because it sounds like the ultimate pleasure is pretty cool but the downside is you can release a kidney stone uh or end up in eeyore with a light bulb in your ass you know it's like maybe you went too far the risk is there brother the risk is there the ultimate pleasure too hard yeah i'd like to also add that now whenever i talk about the

ultimate pleasure i usually get five or six gay men who message me i'm sure and they always try to be like hey you're so funny also kind of hot and that's how you actually know you're really not gay how like it sounds like you tried something in your ass and you're like i'm no longer afraid of being gay and like i i don't know if i'm gonna fuck guys or whatever but it sounds like i'm sure every now every time you do this now a bunch of gay guys hit you up and unless i mean maybe you are fucking them no but i think you're not gay i asked i talked to my wife about this i was like can I fuck a guy and she was like she goes if you want to fuck here's the thing right I'm not I don't that's the thing I don't

believe in gay I believe in coming so it's like I think I could train myself to do it yourself believe in coming no but I mean like the ultimate level would be if I could get myself to fuck a guy. If I could get myself, because one, like, imagine we're having a great time. Imagine we all started fucking, and we didn't feel weird about it, right? Like, that would be fucking great. And none of us would have to worry about, like, are they going to call me back? Nah, it's Gary. You know what I mean?

It's like, we all came. Like, it sucks that your dick is attached to sexuality. I just think it's like, oh, man, it could just be – it would be great if the Romans – No, because then it's like the sex robots, like see you later, girls. We would never procreate. I think the human race would cease to exist. I have an answer to that. Do you think if they're literally like, man humans aren't happening they're not gonna be like oh i guess

i'll fuck a hot chick we'd still fuck women we could also get cum and put it in them you know what i mean we give it to them fuck the guys and then get the cum and yeah right the sex robots we just put wheels on them to roll them over to a lady. It's like those robots at Chinese restaurants that deliver your food now. Here's the cum for you. I just feel like it would be so much easier to be gay because of the dynamic you explained. Right.

But I think you need something there to keep it. Yeah, you can make the cum deposits, but I feel like... How much happier would women be if they were in Europe and we were in America and we just mailed each other cum? You know what I mean? It's like, how you doing, Susie? I'm all right. Great to hear from you.

Here's your weekly cum. If you got any boys, send them over. We'll be here. The bread's so good over here. We're still playing football. We're fighting and murdering. What's going on there? Crocheting and bitching.

And everybody's happy. Everybody's happy. Everybody's happy. The system works. It's like the high school dance where everyone's on both sides and then there's like one horny guy

and one slutty girl and they fuck it up for everybody. They go in and everybody follows suit and now it's goddamn anarchy in this world. There's one guy, one like slutty girl and they fuck it up for everybody they go in and everybody follows suit and now it's goddamn anarchy in this world there's one guy one hipster who goes you know what i'm going to europe i'm gonna fuck it i'm going old school and he just cleans up in all of the women frankly everybody was all good and he's like i'm gonna fuck whores in europe that actually

is exactly what happened like we would have Like the greatest time We would like It would be just one Endless football game With Kid Rock Playing a live show And we're having a blast And one guy gets over And he's like

Yo a lot of chicks Are fucking over here And I'm like Alright fuck this I got so much pussy This week You guys wouldn't Even understand

It's fish in a barrel Alright see you dude That's great man So and what You're You're on So you're um you're on uh so you're gonna live in jersey i'm going with jersey yeah and you're gonna be uh you know hitting up still just coming into the city for spots and stuff 20 30 minute drive you say that now it'll be an hour hour and a half uh well my wife lives my wife's parents live in jersey and so we go there for the

weekends to like just get help with the kids when i have road work and i still go in for the city spots and stuff like that so it really isn't like i live in queens now and i drive in and it's like 20 minutes so like jersey's like 30 yeah so it's an additional 10 and i need to believe that i'm sorry i've done that too i was like you know i was living like in westchester like right in mount vernon like the very first suburb like really could get in in like 20, 25 minutes. 25 minutes, not 20, when there was no traffic. And then I moved like a little bit further and it's like, ah, it's only like 10 minutes. It's like, eh, that gets like 20 and then like 25 with traffic.

And then all of a sudden I'm like, I doubled it. Fuck. I fucking doubled it. But I still really love stand-up. And to me, like, in order to really be good at stand-up, I got to keep doing those spots and doing that shit. You know what I mean?

Absolutely. Yeah. And I hate my family, so getting out of the house is really easy. See how they go. Yeah. Well, congrats on the kids and the house, and keep it up with the comedy, man. Oh, thanks. Is this over?

Are we saying goodbye? Yeah, I think we'll wrap it up. We got to do the other show. Is it possible? Can I plug my podcast? Yeah, I was going to say say so tell the people what's up oh I got a new podcast came out yesterday

oh wow yeah yeah it's called Welcome to Talk Town it's we're destroying all of civilization and recreating it kind of like

putting women in other countries and men here it's all new rules so really very what do you mean exactly though you're like just running through so we're designing hypotheticals like that

yeah it's like it's like it just gets super stoned and I'm with my two best friends and we just have kind of like taking everything in society and being like how could we fix that crazy right it's kind of just kind of like what we just did is like what if we just put women and men in different countries and see how that goes like just every week is going to be a new every episode is going to be a new kind of idea we kind of just i like that yeah it's fun it's's fun. I got some ideas. Welcome to Talk Town.

Come on. Everyone can come on. You guys want to come on? Yes, absolutely. No women. That's the rule. Sorry. We'd love to have you guys.

That would be awesome. All right, so welcome to Talk Town. It's the podcast. And I had a special come out. Nobody Presents Greg Stone. Nobody Presents Greg Stone. All right, man. Great stuff.

Thanks so much. Dude, thank you guys for having me. This was super fun, man. Thank you so much, Greg. That was a blast. All right, man. Great stuff. Thanks so much. Dude, thank you guys for having me. This was super fun, man. Thank you so much, man. That was a blast. That was a killer. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.