KFC Radio - Hasan Minhaj, The Goodness of David Price, and Blacking Out Everything

Episode Date: October 30, 2018

Hasan Minhaj has a chat with Feits (and special guest host Vibbs) about his new show Patriot Act, his Netflix special Homecoming King, meditation, fatherhood, genocide, and gravity blankets. Red Sox are the champs again but David Price deserves more.Voicemails include: waitress hitting on your bf, blackout all or nothing, he's not that into you, no hands for masturbation or no hands for phone, and lack of lingerieYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's episode of KFC Radio, it's brought to you by Thursday Boots. Of course. What's the best day of the week? Thursday. Well, you know, you could have made an argument for Friday or Saturday, I would accept that, but Thursday is a special day. Thursday is the day where you got happy hour plans later. You basically can kick

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Kept that shit limited. Supply and demand, bro. Take economics one time for me. So the Barstool boot is done. Barstool boot 2.0 and some other things are in the works. We will have it for you this winter. At some point this season, if you missed out on the first round, you will be able to get down with the second one.

Go to Thursdayboots.com. If you want to order some stuff now, before we put out our new line, go to Thursday Boots. Use the promo code FREESHIP2DAY, the number 2, and get shipping in two days. All right, we've got a big episode for you today. Hasan Minhaj will join us. Very funny comedian.

Very funny actor. He's got big things going on. But so does John Feidelberg and the city of Boston. The Boston Red Sox are your 2018 world champions. It's not even the biggest part. David Price is a deserved World Series MVP. He got so robbed. I know Steve, first of all, I forgot that he had three. We were talking about this in the game, and I said, David Price's a deserved World Series MVP. He got so robbed. I know Steve Pierce.

First of all, I forgot that he had three. We were talking about this in the game, and I said, David Price is going to be the MVP. You have two wins, and you pitched in relief in a five-game series. You're the MVP. As I was saying that, I thought Steve Pierce had two home runs. He did have two home runs, and then he hit the third. He hit the third.

Three World Series home runs in a five-game series. That is deserving as well. But the thing is, the storyline, and the second one wasn't even as important. The storyline is big. I don't even think it should factor in. I think David Price wins it without the storyline because Steve Pierce's, he had those stats, yes, but Steve Pierce's

third home run was a meaningless home run because of what David Price was doing. Right. Because he was just shutting them down. That wasn't like David Price figured it out and didn't stink. He was tossing gems. Especially in this day and age, you pitch seven innings, that's a big fucking deal. Five pitchers in MLB history have done what he did.

Wow. Three postseason games in a row, six plus innings, three or less hits. Five pitchers in MLB history. It wasn't just like, oh wow, he's not blowing it again. It was like he is dominating. First pitcher ever to have two clinching series against two Cy Young winners. Crazy. Clinched against Verlander, clinched against Kershaw.

Wow. Now, I'm impressed with clinching against Verlander. I ain't impressed with clinching against Kershaw anymore. I mean, Kershaw pitched well. It was what, 4-1 in the seventh? Yeah. I mean, 4-1's a lot of runs. You didn't have that.

It was also how it happened right away. Like, that's such that, like, you put up two right away, and it's just like, ugh. But it did, I mean, Price did the same thing to me. It scared me. Yeah, when he gave up that, yeah, yeah. You thought he was going to give it right back. I mean, we've said it all along this postseason. I feel like you had more on the line than even David Price himself.

And, you know, because you have a goddamn horseshoe right up your little fucking asshole, it all ends up working out for you. But I'm happy this time. The stars and the moons have aligned here. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. I love the fact that I know this is crushing

Yankee fans. It's so funny to see that. They are just spiraling out of control. I mean, I wrote the blog. I want to lay to rest. I would love to have a funeral. Maybe I'll say a few words as a eulogy for the phrase, blah, blah, blah, owns

real estate in your head. It is the most overused, trite, trope, fucking internet nonsense that everybody says when you have absolutely nothing else to say. It's like, you know what? Yes. The Yankees are on my mind. It's actually your.

It's like, okay, well, why don't you address the fact that I just murdered you in this argument rather than talking about my grammar. I was too fucking hot typing. Relax. Calm down. I was too busy fucking smoking you with logic. I used the wrong two. I mean, it's funny. Them saying we own real estate in your brain is the exact same thing as 27 Rings,

which the majority of them out there here at Barstool, at least, all admitted that 27 Rings is a stupid thing to say. So if you're now saying we own real estate in your brain, well, it's the same dumb fucking argument that doesn't refute any of the points I'm making about the state of your fucking franchise. You lost your song. This is- I haven't-

If they just lost, it'd be like whatever. They were embarrassed, emasculated. The Red Sox came. They saw. They conquered. They raped. They pillaged. They stole, and they dominated.

I haven't seen something as embarrassing and as emasculating as the Yankees losing. First of all, we took their song and we renamed it. It's called Start Spreading the News. It's called Start Spreading the News now. Listen, there's going to be a whole generation of people who don't even know that that's New York, New York. Right. And I haven't seen something this emasculating since Fast and the Furious 1, baby, when Brian Walker lost his car. He's the New York Yankees, and he's sitting there going,

I almost had you, dude. And the Red Sox go, you almost had me? You never had me. You never had your car. You never had your song. The Red Sox are Vin Diesel. The Yankees are dead. Dead.

Yankees died in a fiery crash. They're dead. Dead. Yo, and I love that they just, like, John, let's say you got on stage to do something, right? You totally bombed and everyone made fun of you and they're like, oh my God, look, that guy's ugly and fat and lame and stupid.

And you walked off and you were like, hey, at least you're thinking about me. No! That's not how this works. We're making fun of you because you fucking sucked. We're making fun of you because of your stupid comments back in the summer, which the Red Sox took, made it their slogan, and shoved it down your throat. We're laughing at you because Aaron Judge was trolling the fucking team

with the New York, New York. They took that song and they shoved it up his asshole. And it met in the middle where they were fucking you on both sides. We're making fun of you because you couldn't get the job done directly against your rival. Then they went out, they celebrated on your field when they won the American League East. They celebrated on your field when they beat you in the Divisional Series. They played your song as they celebrated the World Series. Like, in what world is that like, well, you're still thinking about us.

Who the fuck? Yeah, we're thinking about you because you suck. Have you ever seen – I'm actually a person who kind of rolls my eyes at bulletin board material. I'm like, oh, my God. Like, they're professional athletes with a chance to win the trophy that as children they sat in their backyards fantasizing about. They don't need extra motivation. I'm usually,

I usually think like that. The Red Sox have turned me around. The Red Sox are strictly fueled on bulletin board material. And it's like one of those things where they're just so good. They need it. They need something where they get like complacent in their, in their fantasticness. And it was,

I mean, they're undefeated against once once they were trolled i actually forgot about the do damage like yep do damage 4-0 sweep start new york new york win the next two bregman win the next three right next three next two i forget either way it was they didn't lose after it do damage done. They didn't lose after it. Damage done. Dodgers. Didn't lose after it. They board for one game and they're like, oh, that's right. We're the best team in the world. Fuck these people. I'm going to kick their ass right now. Do you think if the postseason was four or five rounds that it would have just kept happening?

Yeah. Do you think teams are just going to keep doing this? Learn from me. I mean, Alex Cora last night, the Red Sox are out of the fucking club spraying champagne. Cora's cuddled up in his fucking hotel bed, quote tweeting people. Love Alex Cor. Quote tweeting people. What's up? I don't know what Alex Cor is doing. What's up?

Here I am. I'm in fucking bed with the World Series trophy. That's what I'm doing, Brian Kenney. That's what I'm doing. I don't know what the Red Sox are going to do with this fucking bullpen. I'm going to put Nathan Evaldi back there is what I'm going to do. I'm going to put a goddamn horse in the bullpen.

A Texas horse. Evaldi was a fucking Mac. He was a G. I mean, like, what he did in defeat was probably the most, like, impressive part of the whole fucking postseason. I know. That game, dude. Actually, I got hot about that last night because people were telling me

Evaldi was the MVP. No, no, no. Well, let's relax. I love Evaldi. Technically, he gave up the fucking game-losing hit. I want them to give him a blank check. I want them to do whatever it takes to keep Nathan Evaldi in Boston. To say he was the MVP of the World Series when he quite literally was responsible for the only loss is crazy, Tom.

It would have been a sweep without Nathan Evaldi. That game was wild. You know what? Yeah, he's not responsible, but on the score sheet, he was responsible. Friday night, I went to John's house.

Yeah. I watched the game at John's apartment. Yeah, you did. Yeah. I was home all damn Friday. I actually missed the Hasan Minhaj interview,

which we'll play after this, because I was with the kids all day, and I needed to get the fuck out. And I was like, I want to watch the game. Didn't want to watch it with my mom. I was like, I'm going to come over, John. John was like, yo, my place sucks. You don't want to come over. I was like, I'm going to come over. I don't care.

I thought it was going to be like a crack den. His apartment is perfectly fine. Perfectly fine. He always painted this picture like he was a fucking tenement, like he was living in the Great Depression, like Hooverville or some shit. It's perfectly fine. Perfectly fine. He always painted this picture like he was a fucking tenement, like he was living in the Great Depression, like Hooverville or some shit. It's perfectly fine. There's fucking exposed brick. It's a great apartment. Yeah, there's a fireplace.

And he was such a, yeah, there's a fireplace with exposed brick. And he's such a gracious host. He gave me his 25-pound gravity blanket. Sure did. And I sat on his recliner with the weighted blanket. We watched that game. It was delightful. It was really fun.

I had a lot of fun on Friday night. It was really good. Are you guys moving in together? Listen, wait. It's entirely possible. We might be like Frank and Charlie. We might sleep in the same bed. We didn't have a bottle of whiskey

just hidden in the back. Where's the whiskey, Charlie? You know where it is, Frank. It's in the crevice. What's the mayo it in the back like where's the whiskey child you know where it is frank it's in the crevice what are the what's the mayo labeled in the fridge the poison is labeled mayo but boys on my sandwich mayonnaise probably yeah it was funny it was like uh barstow's so weird where it's like i mean at this point we're like family but i've never seen his apartment. Yeah.

There are people. We popped out. We went out for a minute and I met Pirate Simon. It's the first time I ever met him in person. I didn't even realize it. I was like, oh, what's up, man? He was like, nice to meet you. And I was like, what?

No. Come on. In this weird internet nerd life. It's like, you know. It is strange. Yeah. I mean, like, we were saying, we've said before where, like, you, Kevin, Dan would have all been in my wedding.

Right. And still will be, but, you know, if it ever happens. But, like, and I had only met all of you combined five times.

Right. But we spent, like, seven years just talking on the internet together. Some of you got mail shit. I was thinking about how I was like, oh, wow, that's so weird.

Like, I feel like I know you except I don't know what his last name is. I couldn't even tell you his real government name. First name, Pirate. Last name, Simon you, except I don't know what his last name is. I couldn't even tell you his real government name. First name, Pirate. Last name, Simon. So maybe I don't know him that well.

I worked with him. Just this group, though, too? I still don't know. Like, Willie and Large hang out all the time. They're like friends, and they've bonded. And we're just like, no, no, no. I'll see you Monday. Yeah.

I said to him, I called him. I was like, where are you going to watch the game tonight? He said, I'm at my apartment. I was like, I think I might come. And he goes, now? him, I was like, where are you going to watch the game tonight? He said, I'm at my apartment. I was like, I think I might come. And he goes, now? Tonight? I was like, yeah, I'm going to come. I'm going to come hang out at your apartment.

It's a delightful little evening. It was fun. We got some food, had a couple of bevvies. Yeah, it was very nice. And we actually, I mean, funny enough, though, it was like, and then we fucked. And, you know, we didn't, I mean, it was a seven-hour goddamn game. I went to his place.

We went out for a little bit. And I got back home to fucking Westchester and watched the end of the game there. We watched the full game. I actually did watch the end of the game. I went to sleep, like, I finally tapped out maybe, like, ten minutes before the end of the game. I was like, fuck. We went to, we watched 13 innings in my apartment and then got to a bar for the 14th. We walked in and they had taken the lead.

I was like, oh, all right, this is over. And then they fucking gave it back as I was driving home. It was wild. But, yeah, nice little weekend for the boys. And a nice culmination. Red Sox win. Red Sox win. We're making –

And I love David Price, too, because we were kind of talking about this before. We were like, he's so weird. He's kind of like still quiet. So weird in the postgame. I And I love David Price, too, because we were kind of talking about this before. We were like, he's so weird. He's kind of still quiet. So weird in the postgame. I love that about David Price. I honestly, I was thinking to myself, this is like the scene of a movie where he's going to be like, well, actually, my family's been kidnapped. And if the Dodgers didn't win, they were going to kill them. I mean, I totally.

He was just like, well, yeah, okay. Even forget about when he was talking to reporters and when it was on camera. He was just walking around the mound, like, shaking hands. Like, well done. We won the baseball game. He was the first guy out of the dugout. And he was crying. I mean, he had his emotion.

I'm not talking about Caravans. I'm talking about Derek Bryce. His emotion on the field was normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First guy out of the dugout. First guy to hug Salah Vasquez. He was crying. He was all normal there.

But then he got in front of the media. It's because he hates those guys. Right. all normal there, but then he got in front of the media, and he was like... It's because he hates those guys. Right, and I totally, totally understand it because it's like, there have been times in the last five years where people like Nate would be like, oh, the comment section likes you now.

I'm like, I don't give a fuck. No, I don't fucking care. Fuck those guys. They hate you again. They love you again. They hate you again. I don't give a fuck. I'm like, I'm just going to keep doing me.

I'm not going to just pretend we're all friends now that you've been talking shit to me for years, you dicks. And he's like, yeah, I hold all give a fuck. I'm like, I'm just going to keep doing me. I'm not going to just pretend we're all friends now that you've been talking shit to me for years. You dicks. And he's like, yeah, I hold all the cards now. Fuck all of you. That was great. He was on the captain now. He was straight fucking Somali pirate on.

I hold the cards now. You guys have had that Trump card for a while. You've played it well. What do you think David Price cares more about? What you said, like, as a little boy, you fucking dream of that trophy versus, I just, I own the media now.

I think he might care about the media. No, I think he doesn't care. I don't know. Those are your first comments and then his tweet was the shushing of Moe's ass.

He's like, what's it like? The tweet though is like, hashtag I have the cards. I think because he's smart. He saw that already went viral and he's like, oh,

capitalize on that. We're probably going to get some David Price Foundation. I hold the cards. It depends on who you are, though, because I hate harder than I love. People keep asking me, what do you want to see more, the Mets win or the Yankees lose? I think it's the fucking Yankees lose. I love this shit. I think you can hate and you can love, but I think eventually you just become numb.

And I think that's what Price is. I think he just doesn't care. I think John you just become numb. And I think that's what Price is. I think he just doesn't care. I think John just wrote a song. You can hate and you can love, but eventually you become numb. A star is born too. Get out of my way, Bradley Cooper. He's like, I just don't care about you. It's me now.

I'm the fucking king. I can't imagine. I'll bend your goddamn fucking knee. I'm David Price. And you know what the perfect thing is? That's so Boston. I won the championship. I want to tell you, fuck you. I don't won the championship. I want to tell you, fuck you.

I don't want to celebrate. I want to tell you, fuck you. That's what I'm saying. I feel like the fuck you is almost more important. And I'm not knocking that. I think I would be the same way. I think the first thing I would do, it's like, all right, hug and kiss your kids. And then go tell everybody, fuck you.

That, to me, is the best part of winning. And this is what I don't get about the Yankee fans when they're like, why are you thinking about us? Because you're our rival, I hate you, and we won, and I want to fucking rub it in your face. That's the whole point. And what really drives me nuts

is I compared it to when little shitty blogs make fun of Barstool, try to make fun of Barstool, and we just absolutely execute them. We just fucking chop their heads off. And those losers' reaction is always like, oh, but I got you to respond. If you're so much bigger than me, then why'd you respond? There is always like, oh, but I got you to respond. If you're so much bigger than me, then why'd you respond?

There's people on Twitter like that. I get to respond. And it's like, and we, and stoolies always make fun of those guys for being like, well, yeah, you talk shit. Talk shit, get hit. Right? Like, fuck you. I don't care how small you are.

Anybody can get it. Don't throw rocks at the throne. All that shit. That's what the Yankees were to the Red Sox. They threw the first punch. They got smoked. They got embarrassed. And now we're going to rub your face in it because that's what the Yankees were to the Red Sox. They threw the first punch. They got smoked. They got embarrassed. And now we're going to rub your face in it because that's what sports is about.

If you don't have rivalries, if you don't have rivals to fucking rub their nose in it, if you don't have someone to talk shit on, you don't have somebody to have bragging rights over, what is the point of sports? And if you're not down with that, you're lame. It's like, well, of course. Of course Yankee fans are lame.

They don't know how to talk shit. They don't know how to bust balls. That's why they always revert to 27 rings. That's why they all, to a man, they're not even using a different wording. They are all saying own real estate in your brain. They can't even mix it up a little bit because they don't know how to do this because they're the worst fans

in the world. Yes, we're still fucking talking about you. And honestly, I mean, people have been sending me videos of Boston Sucks chants from the 2009 World Series. They chanted 1918 for a zillion years. There definitely are times where the Red Sox have been on their brain. And do not tell me for one fucking second if, let's say, in some magical world, they get back there. After Jared Carrabbas has been like talking shit in your fucking, like in your mother's face for like months now. After

me, after Dave, after Red Sox, after do damage and start spreading the news, you're not going to want to rub it in the Red Sox face? Get the fuck out of here. It's just been that they say this about the Mets too. And the Yankee fans always, they always fuck themselves over because guess what? When they start doing that, I'm going to go, we only realist it in your brain.

Yes, I know. It's like we're just going to play the same fucking card. They say to me, I don't care about the Mets. And I always say, no fucking kidding. You didn't have a century of dominance where you were talking shit. If I had that, you would hate me. The Red Sox are going to have that. And you're going to hate them. I promise you that. Fuck out of here. You don't care.

And honestly, if you don't care, if you're one of those people, you're not really a big fan. I don't have to tell you. If the first thought, like when I see Tom Scabelli and I see Frank, he like visibly devastated that the Red Sox won. I'm like, yes, that's how it should be. And if you're just sitting there going, we don't real estate in your brain, I don't think you're that big of a fan, bro. Sorry. Congrats, John.

Thank you very much. You earned it. I did earn it. I earned it and David Price earned it. Years of work coming to fruition. I hope David Price doesn't opt out. I don't think he will because no one's going to give him $25 million a year. He's so perfect for Boston just this way

that everything he's doing is very Boston. It's almost like the reason him and Boston didn't get along is their relationship where like, they're the same. Yeah. They're the same exact people

and it just doesn't work because you're like, fuck, I'm hanging out with myself. Like David Price's name, he's sarcastic, he's cocky. Yeah.

Fuck, he doesn't give a fuck about you. Yeah. All he wants to do is say fuck you to you. Yeah. That's what he's like, yeah,

he's still doing it with the Fortnite shit. Like, yeah, I played Fortnite last night, bitch. That would have been funny. He should have like, put a video of himself playing like that night. He said, they asked him how he got ready. He said. Like, yeah, I played Fortnite last night, bitch. That would have been funny. He should have put a video of himself playing that night.

He said they asked him how he got ready. He said, me and Ivaldi played Fortnite last night. He's just a cocky, sarcastic fucking asshole. As much as this was more about hating the Yankees for me as opposed to loving the Red Sox, and it gets to be some weird relationship. It's complicated with me and the Red Sox. I saw a tweet that said,

Ivaldi, Porcello, and David Price all went to Alex Corr and said, I want to pitch tonight. It's champagne problems. It's an embarrassment of riches. But in a weird way, I do not envy Alex Corr. We were talking about making that lineup last night. To bench JBJ is tough. Someone's got to sit, though.

And that's a guy who's been hitting clutch home runs and playing as a great center field you've got to ride the pine bro and it's like he didn't make the wrong decision there but like it came back to bite them and granted JBJ didn't start game four either but the it was

Mookie catches that ball the JBA triple right right no doubt Mookie doesn't lose that ball but I mean the guys who all wanted the ball, it's like, you're all on, like, 12 hours rest. You're all idiots. For sale literally started the night before. Imagine just, like, knock, knock, knock. Coach, I want to pitch. Like, okay.

Knock, knock, knock. I want to pitch. You're all morons. None of you. Where's Chris Sale? He's the one who should be. What's going on here? Evaldi said he wants to go the next day, too.

And Coro was like, your agent is going to kill me. Yeah, I know. They were talking about how he's a free agent and looking for that money. It's like, well, Porcello said it best, too, though. He's like, I'd rather have my arm hurt for the next six months with a goddamn ring on my finger. Porcello, by the way, doing cannonballs into the fucking, not the guy I expected. Porcello's a quiet fella. Even though I told the story of Going out with him And Pablo Or Panda

The both The other Cannonballs into the Naked Naked cannonballs That's just dangerous For your dick man I expected that shit from Pierce

I expected it from Holt Joe Kelly You know who I expected To be doing that Just out of nowhere Napoli I expected him to show up Somehow

Like a Kool-Aid guy Ah Kicks down the door Ready to party What do you think Should happen Now that we've agreed on a lot? Now I'm going to piss you off. What should happen if we win all four? Yeah, you're not going to win four.

You're going to win two, though. I do think it's crazy. But the thing is, it's not crazy. Right. It's very much on the table. You're not going to beat the Warriors. I know the Celtics are great. You're not going to beat the Warriors.

No. And the Bruins, I don't know enough about hockey. The Bruins are like. But hockey's weird. It could happen the most. Coin flip shit is going to be in hockey. With football, it's like the Rams and the

Chiefs are not going to win the title. And they're the guys you've got to worry about. You know what I mean? The Saints are good. There's some teams there that I would be concerned about. But it's probably going to be the Patriots. There's some teams there that I would be concerned about, but it's probably going to be the Patriots. Yeah, it's not a walk.

I'll give that. It's not a guarantee. God damn it. And that was, so 2004, they won the series and the Super Bowl. So we're probably going to have a repeat of that. That I'm going to be mad. I like how they've done it so differently too. Okay, let's move on.

The Pats have won five and they're the dominant team. The Sox have won four and they're kind of an afterthought. Granted, the Sox have had some very down years. Yeah, it's weird. They're very up and down. They've had a lot of overturn. But that's the thing. They pulled the trigger. Like, this didn't work. Get rid of everybody and tear it down. We're going to stink for a while and we'll build it all the fuck back up.

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two episodes at once and then we're going to go week to week after that. We're going to go week to week after that. Budding the Netflix trend. Yes. I like that. Yeah, a little bit. I'm kind of tired of Netflix. Are you serious? Well, not Netflix as a whole. The Netflix one. Like, I watched all of Bodyguard last night. Six hours of TV. I just sat there. Okay. It was okay. It wasn't great.

It wasn't good, but you gave your... If it was week to week, I would have really been into it. I can't wait for next episode here i was just like okay go to the next one go to the next one oh you didn't value it as much no i think that's what i think i think you leave us wanting a little bit more when you go week to week i like that hey man i appreciate that it was very smart foresight no sometimes people are like i don't i don't like that give it to me all at once yeah i mean i go back and forth if it's a good show i want it i want to spread out because then by the time it comes out again i forgot that i watched all in a day i forget everything about the show oh right yeah like i watched it a year ago i have a lot of friends that work like that

do like series like that on netflix right they'll drop it because it'll be like black mirror it's all at once right and they'll go you'll work for like a year and a half two years and you'll just be someone's random weekend on it exactly on in apr. I think about that all the time when we do stuff like write blogs or like do podcasts where it takes us an hour to do it. Right. Yeah. And then it comes out the next day and feel like that sucked. I'm like,

well, okay. But then you get another crack at it. When? For the next day again. But it still hurts when they said that sucked and took me an hour. Now stuff you do takes a lot longer to do. Yeah.

We've been working on the show for like two years now. Two years. Yeah. That's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of pressure, but like lot of pressure but like i don't know man you i like it yeah yeah i want it i want it i want to take the last shot okay my goal is to make you freak out by the end of this really i want all the pressure on you i'll help them freak out what takes so long for per episode so the biggest thing is the research we've tracked it out we had a book we had a

calendar of like hey these are the big events that are happening in the world from culture to elections to international stories and then we mapped it out and then we research just the research is what's crazy as the research gotten more intense with like the climate of social media and everyone kind of fact checking everything correct and our news team is crazy. Our news team is nuts. How many people are on the news team? I mean, senior news staff, we have any, it's like, it's a whole wing.

So it's like a lot of people. Yeah, it's a lot of people. That's the thing that excites me. We're like being, we spend so much time trying to make the argument airtight. You have to say almost, not always.

You have to say, hey, he has pleaded guilty, but he is going to court for like the language of it. I'm like, that's frustrating. It's frustrating at the time. But then at the same time, I'm like, hey, I'm putting this out on the Internet forever. And I'm excited, man. There's going to be a couple of people on Google. I'm like, it's you on Google in your basement versus people from the New York Times,

Vice, the Atlantic, Republic. We're talking about some of the best journalists in the world. Everyone's trying to get a piece of you. You said you kind of fill out travel with this, right? Yes. You've met a good amount of humanity, we'll say. Okay. A question we were talking about on the show the other day

is, what percentage of humanity are you in? Like if you factor in everything you bring to this world right now, like your looks, that hair is on point right now. The hair, your job, your humor, your intelligence, everything. Are you like a top 5%-er? Are you a top 1%-er? I don't know what that

even means. I would say that... Like if Thanos was gonna come and be like 90% of the world is gone. Except the 10% that are really good. Oh, interesting. Are you still here here it just depends on what you value i guess but like you know do you got what i'm saying so if they're just like i uh thanos is like i gotta eliminate everybody but who's who here's really good at basketball or who here's the most athletic but you would be bad like but it's probably everything like or vision i have negative 8.5 and I have astigmatism in this eye. I'd be dead.

I would be dead. A hundred years ago, I wouldn't even exist. You know what? Do you, Matt? Do you ever think about that? I think about how blind I am, right? And I've been like that blind since I was seven. That's when I first got the big, I got these big Urkel glasses.

And I've, I've, I cannot see. I'm like, if I don't have my contacts, I cannot see to hear. It's crazy. I'd be dead. I wouldn't exist. Wouldn't that be a great marvel movie though if thanos came down and started killing people with astigmatism just like no no i should have gone lasik it's like i disintegrate yeah i mean yeah like like athletic prowess or physical abilities would be part of it like i got here 12 minutes ago and i'd sprinted four blocks hilarious i'll be out of breath this entire i'm still sweating right now so yeah but it was about punctuality

dead what are you all right i'm still out of breath man you can't be making me fat yeah if it was about punctuality for me i would be dead i'm notoriously 15 minutes late to everything 15 to like 30 but with folks like you we can't be late. Folks like you, we can't be late. We got to sprint a whole four blocks and be tired for the rest of the day. What were the guidelines on the poll you guys put on social media? It was just, I mean, that was the question, really. What percentage of you come in? And I didn't offer top 10% because if you're voting in a Twitter poll at two on a Thursday,

you're not a top 10 percenter. Look, I'm not going to, I'm not going to, I mean, I can joke about it, but I'm not going to participate in the poll to be like, all right, so worldwide genocide. Who makes it and who doesn't? I'm like, I'm not going to I mean, I can joke about it, but I'm not going to Participate in the poll to be like, alright, so Worldwide genocide Who makes it and who doesn't? It's Thanos It's Marvel genocide Exactly

So you just had a kid I had a baby girl Vibs is filling in for our other co-host Kevin Because he's home with the kids He just had a son as well How's it going? It's good, man. It's like, it's one of those things

where it's all happening all at once. It's a great allegory for life where it's like beautiful, amazing, terrifying, scary, horrific, but gratifying all at once. It's like everything all at once. I like that. That was really deep. Yeah, it's like experiencing, you know,

it's like being in love. I wouldn't know but sure it sounds good we're working there I didn't need to open that one today I'm sorry yeah god damn

I haven't had lunch yet yeah yeah now that you've had a kid do you feel like you're ready do you feel like you're good to go are you on what do you mean are you comfortable

with a kid no no no are you comfortable with having a kid because if I had a kid right now I wouldn't know what to do with it I'd just look at it 28

believe it or not yeah okay see I mean you're 32 right I'm 33 33 I don't know if that's okay to put out in there but yeah I don't know what to do with it. I just look at it. How old are you? 28. Believe it or not. Yeah. Okay. See, I mean, you're 32, right? I'm 33. 33. I don't know if that's okay to put out in there,

but yeah, I don't know how Hollywood you are. When people get all like whatever about it, I'm just like, just put it out. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. When you had the kid, were you ready? Did you, were you just like, okay, yeah, I got this.

Cause I wouldn't. Yes, we, we wanted, we want it. We were, you know, I was,

I was shooting. Yeah. I was putting up shots. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was an Iverson. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's a quantity game. yeah I was putting up shots yeah yeah yeah I was Iverson you know what I mean like yeah it's a quantity game you gotta put up shots you gotta put up shots you just gotta take care of them yeah that's true you know I mean and then sometimes you know I'll put it this way I look I have a lot of friends that it it was it was an accident that became a miracle for me. It was, we wanted, we want it.

So I feel very lucky. You know what I mean? I feel very blessed that like we got, we got one and I feel very, dude, I have courtside seats to our life. It's very cool. See, I was like, you got a couple of good ones in here. You know, I'm a comedian, right? Yeah.

Speaking of that, I don't get to thank many guests who come in for helping me get lucky, helping me put up shots. What happened? I took a date to the Comedy Cellar about two years ago. Okay. Was I there? You were there doing the White House Correspondent speech. She thought I had like inside knowledge of that or something like that.

I mean, it was my girlfriend at the time, but it was still, it wasn't like just some random girl was like, oh my God, here's my baby. So this is when I was up there and I was reading off the sheet of paper. Yeah, it was fucking unbelievable. Did you think it was funny? We were dying. Real talk. It was unbelievable. Dude, I was in it. Yeah, you were. I was in it.

The panic that you felt when you watched that is the panic I'm feeling right now. Where you're in it. You don't know how it's going to go. I mean, you knew right away. You came out the back. No, no, no. Remember in Rocky when he's in the gym? Rocky 1? Remember?

And then there's that scene where he has with Adrian and he's asleep. Remember the scene? He's like this. He's lying down and there's that slow camera punch in. Right? And Adrian is sleeping next to him and he's sleeping with the leather jacket. Remember he's got the jacket still on? And this camera punches in and he goes, I just want I just want to prove to people

that, you know'm i'm somebody i'm worth something remember that and he's he's laying there it's that it's the i don't dude i just gotta i gotta go the distance against apollo creed i don't know if i can do it i don't know but i just wanna i want to prove myself it's that but you don't know how it's gonna go i can see that because that was at the time you were it was kind of like a who is who right yeah it was yeah i mean you weren't a nobody but it was for of larger america it was hassan it was uh i was going up in my weight class and it's happening again with this right like um i was you know i'm i'm the i was the sidekick on the show on the daily show and now it's like no you got to wear

you're the franchise player would you have rather done that with trump in the building or did you like 100 you want everyone in the building? Yeah. You want everyone? I'm bad at that because I don't. We talked about this before on the show. Who's the biggest sports person you've interviewed in sports? Good question. I don't know.

I'll forget we interviewed you tomorrow. Hilarious. I have such a short term memory. You guys go to the next one. I guess Gronk. Gronk probably. Do you like Gronk or do you go to the next one I guess Gronk Gronk probably I love Gronk interviewing you is a little different than interviewing Gronk

what's your favorite color man that's hilarious 69 joke after 69 joke is there somebody that you would you just like let me try to give an example who's somebody that I like absolutely okay i'm a sacramento kings fan right okay i would love to like look at like robert right over here and be like you broke my heart man like you really broke my heart that that shot

that you hit in the 2002 western conference finals like killed me and i blame a lot of what i would love to do that who wouldn't want to do that? I wouldn't. I don't like being mean. Terrifying. Yeah. That's not being mean. That's being, this is being honest. Honesty is mean.

I think that if you just, if it's all about the way you deliver it, you know what I mean? I agree with that. It's all about tone, intent. There's a lot of that stuff that, you know,

you gotta, we were talking about that with roast recently and like, I can watch roast because they're just being mean and like that you can't watch them no it makes me hold on i'm gonna crawl out of my skin i'm the kind of kid who like i watch like a kid i'm 30 years old uh i like watch this stuff like through his eyes like when it's uncomfortable television i can't i can't do it so that even watching uh colbert's correspondence which was so good but even with bush right there I was like come on yeah you feel for it you feel for everybody in the room you really feel for it but dude that's Pacquiao Mayweather hype

that's Khabib McGregor hype right there that's what people tune in to see you want to see that palpable energy that's what the that's what the gig is all about I love that stuff I love that stuff I don't like if you do comedy roasts where there's like a deus and then you you

all have to like you're all friends but you like you say how like you you really go after your friends like i don't because i get i get sensitive i'm like oh man you are we not friends anymore right yeah but like if i'm making fun of you know wolf blitzer i don't know wolf but it's like funny to me that's that's true it's a difference. It's a difference. It's a good thing. But do you think Wolf Blitzer's sitting in his house somewhere just like, oh, I thought we were friends. No, you know what, man? The greatest thing is you can go back to the correspondence in her speech. I have this Wolf Blitzer joke and like Wolf Blitzer cracks up.

Like I do a joke and then he's like, ha. Yeah. It's great. Can I ask you? What's up? You said for the writing process, you just kind of sat down and were honest. So you weren't trying to entertain anyone. You were just writing basically for yourself is that for this for patriot act it

started out what stories do i find most interesting yeah like the biggest emotion that i want to get from people is damn i didn't know that like how did i not know that you know what i mean and and then starting from what then going what's what is interesting about that story to me and then sort of writing a narrative through line that way so you're not trying to look at it as like a party. No, no, no. You're just looking at it as an honest, like, we're all people. This is how you need to look at it. Yeah, this is the story.

What is the story? And then how does that story make me feel? And then going from there and then researching it and, you know, telling the story. Is that how you kind of get away from alienating like Republican, Democrat? I mean, people, look, I think people are going to, you know, people is that how you kind of get away from alienating like republican democrat and i mean people look i think people are going to you know people are going to get annoyed or irritated anyways some people will hate watch some people will hate listen do you know what i mean yeah for sure that's just talking about lebron james people are gonna hate yeah yeah people hate listen 15 people hate listen you know what i mean this is an interesting story

so i told like i tell bill simmons this right he has a very clear anti-kobe bias he's a celtics guy right i will i understand that and i i know there's people who hate listen to him who's just like this guy is so biased it makes me livid and it's just like yeah that's that's gonna be i mean this is gonna be a little bit different i'm trying to be as truthful and honest as possible and we have the journalism backing us but i know there's gonna be people who are like yeah i'm not into it from the premise that's okay too have you did were you like inspired by john oliver because i feel like this kind of has that vein like i just want to tell a story where john was like i wasn't thinking i didn't know that i wasn't thinking about that it's like that ish but like if you see my special homecoming king it's

that style of like with the leds it's like if you're at a drake concert but you were also learning we were gonna ask you about that because we've kind of been we've done a couple of live shows like in in boston yeah or stuff like that do you like doing them i i get very kind of like when you talk about the rocky scene where it's like this isn't me i'm not good at this i like can't face the crowd because it freaks me out but when we're doing it like a live podcast i kind of i like it it's fun it's a it's a good adrenaline rush yeah but we've been trying to think of how we're going to do you know how we're going to do like a mini tour or something like that and right one of the shows we've talked about was homecoming king because it is so visual and there's a lot more to

it than us well you were kind of you're the first one i've seen at least that had you had like all the effects behind you you had like like storytelling where it's popping up you're the what was it tinder you're talking about swiping and stuff like that what made you want to be like okay this will this will help the show were you see because the reason we want to do it is because we're not confident in ourselves when we're like we need some other shit to entertain people you were obviously very confident yourself no man you got to remember ultimately it's the words that matter all that stuff is just dressing it's just it's just side stuff that facilitates the narrative it's you man i feel like i'm your high school counselor i'm like i think every single guest we have

i'm like believe in yourself every single guest is like man you're a fucking disaster but i'm glad i'm that like transparent in 15 minutes are you that uh do you meditate i think no i've tried meditating it's impossible i got like the Headspace app. I did all that. You can't do 10 minutes? No way. I tried yoga. I do like yoga. I'm flexible as shit. Really?

But the most stressful part of the whole yoga class isn't like not farting or like being next to an attractive girl. Yeah. It's not farting. It's very tough. It's tough. Yeah. It's very tough.

But at the end when they're like, now lay down and just relax for two minutes and I just start crawling. I'm freaking out. Do have trouble falling asleep oh buddy let me tell you a story about my bedding i have 40 pounds of weighted blankets because it's their anti-anxiety they're for kids with autism um and i get i have a 15 pound blanket and a 25 pound blanket and i just roll that shit on top of me like i'm closing a tomb on myself what is that supposed to do it just makes you feel swaddled feel like you're being hugged yeah yeah what's up you want me to get you one I would love that I'll just come over and give you a hug right now if that's what you want does it take you a long time to fall asleep not with these things but they'll wear off soon they're like heroin and uh I like started with the 15 pounder

and then I had to get a 25 pounder because the 15 or wasn't cutting it anymore. Eventually you're just going to go to your gym and steal that 45 pound. But the 45 is on both sides. I just got a five pound eye mask. So that one, that crushes you up a little bit. The goal is really to just crush myself. I think just end up under like a,

what do they call it? Physically, metaphorically. All of it. Yeah. Okay. All of it. If the weight of the world doesn't crush you, those weighted blankets.

I just bought a weighted blanket. Actually, I'm talking shit about it but i just bought one now i don't sleep ever either uh it's pretty nice i just moved to new york city how do people not sleep well i sleep like a goddamn baby where do you live i live in new york but when i get when i get to bed i'm exhausted i'm just like let this all end now i'm out i'm out life is sacking me it is the blitz is coming. I'm in the pocket. The blitz is destroying me. But that's why I can't meditate either because once I get in bed and it's like, okay, time for bed, then your head just starts going, life sucks.

This is all crazy. Really? Everything that's happening in the world is nuts. And then you just sit up late until you get crushed by blankets. I guess, man. Hassan, do you meditate? I do meditate, yes. How long?

Every day? I'll do the 10 minutes. I'll do the 10 minutes i'll do the 10 minutes every day yeah what do you how do you get into that space so quickly of like enlightenment i guess that's enlightened i assume you're achieving just doing a 10 minute how low is the bar the bar is so low people like you're married you have a daughter like i'm like people have been doing this for centuries no no my father is an immigrant. He came here in 1982, knew no one, freaking killed himself.

And people are just like, you're married, bro? Because you're a stand-up comedian. Dude, you're nuts. I'm like, the bar, the level, it's nuts to me. So you shower this morning? Wow, you're an adult. You got it together. You paid your taxes? Okay, that is big is big that is big my sister does mine i know a lot of people that have not

but no as a stand-up comedian i feel like the bar has been set very low you know sure yeah i'm used to open mic comedian so this is just this is incredible yeah you guys have open micers on the show uh not on this show no i'm filling in i don't even know what i'm probably not supposed to be here that That's hilarious. That's amazing. I'm just talking. The fact that you guys have even acknowledged me right now is pretty incredible. No, do your thing, man.

Do your thing. Do your thing. We lost interview. I took my headphones off because you guys took your headphones off. So I'm obviously going along with everything. You're doing great, man. Thank you. Where do you get your haircut? Believe in yourself.

I have a great barber. His name is Hero. Yeah? He's incredible. H-I-R-O. Is it an expensive haircut? Believe in yourself. I have a great barber. His name is Hero. Yeah. He's incredible. H-I-R-O. Is it an expensive haircut? He's not. He's standard rate.

He's standard guy rate. Okay. You know? This is a New York haircut you're looking at right now. $17. I was very excited about it. Oh, really? And then I see fights his hair and your hair and I'm just like, ah, shit.

That's amazing. I got a long way to go. Who'd you hit? The Puerto Rican barbers or the Russian barbers? Russian. Yeah. The Russian barbers. Yeah.

They'll be like 15 dudes in there and they'll just be like hopping. And they're just so cool. They're just like, yeah, come back again. I'm like, oh, thank you. What's the episode we should look out for

in Patriot Act? What's your crown jewel? I can't tell you, man. Come on. Give me a little taste. I can't tell you. I can't tell you. Give me a little taste

of the correspondence to finish the speech. No, man, because you know what? If I tell you the title of the episode, some of these things are Trojan horses where it's like, I don't,

I'm not, I'm not interested in that. And I'm like, just, I'm telling you, watch it. Okay. How about this?

Give me the first one. One of the first two, one of the first two. Jen, should I do it? Yeah. One of the ones that we're doing is affirmative action, which is like a very controversial topic,

which is wild. Yeah. I wouldn't be, but I love it. It's real. The story is really, the story's really the story we chose is very interesting okay yeah all right and that comes out this sunday sunday october 28th yes patriot act yes with hassan minaj yes thank you very much thank you man thank you man

big thanks to hassan minaj shout out to vibs for sitting in uh that interview is brought to you by fully loaded tobacco free. It's the chew you crave, but with zero tobacco. It's got the taste, it packs right, it buzzes right, and it burns just like your favorite chew, but with zero tobacco. You want to keep your dipping guilt-free? See, the thing about me is everything I do, I feel guilty

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Not too much. How are you doing, Vibs? I'm doing all right. You filled in for me, you know, as well as a man can fill those shoes. Thank you for that. No problem. Yeah, it was a lot. I was very scared.

They were asking me, like, what kind of questions I was going to ask. I was like, well, I guess I can ask about Halloween if it gets down to it. And then I was like, fuck, I'm fucked. It was a very barstool moment. We'll give you a little look behind the curtain. So I had a hell of a well i've had a hell of a year of life and uh so i had to stay home with the kids and i i was like i feel like i have something to do but whatever i'm not sure and then uh bc remembered and he was like we

got hasaminaj in like 40 minutes i was like yikes so i text John now the interview was at what 11 so that means John's not going to be awake I was up I was in the shower I had gotten up right I actually had planned because it was Friday interview Sox played Thursday night and we'd been did they play Thursday night no because they played Friday so Thursday night

was like our day off and I was like I'm going to keep this rolling like I'm going to have to work Friday night Saturday the weekend we're going to have to do shit rolling. I'm going to have to work Friday night, Saturday night, the weekend. I'm going to have to do shit. So I'm just chilling Friday. I actually considered not even going to the office. But I woke up at 9. I was already bored by 9.30.

And I was like, fuck it. I'll jump in the shower. I jumped in the shower at 9.30. Didn't get out until 10.25. That's the Feidelberg shower. I was just standing in the shower. Cranked out a couple times. Had a lip in. No, I don't crank in the showers too

dangerous it's slippery um live a little man god damn and uh if you're too nervous to jerk your own dick in any setting you're a scaredy cat okay and i got out and i like just wanted to check my phone like i do in the other shower and i saw like four texts five texts from you what the fuck is this about like we don't have anything to do today. Yes, we do. As a matter of fact, we have an interview with an awesome guest. He's incredible. Printing around, got my pants on.

Luckily, I had done a lot of the research before. Ahead of time, yeah. Because we found out the interview a week before, and I was bored earlier in the week, so I just did all this stuff. So I was prepared. What we're learning here is John has to get crazy bored before he does any work. Yeah, exactly. I did the same thing today.

I'm like LeBron in the regular season. I fucking – He's so humble, too. I dial it back when I need to because I know there are going to be times when it's got to be full bore. Look, motherfucker, it's like, what, 3 o'clock right now? Already like 11 blogs deep on the day. I knew a world championship was coming soon. Had to fucking – had to rest the old fingers well well uh uh super producer bc he was he was

mediocre producer bc that day not not a good day but in a weird way i think it ended up working well because it was like well let's let's grab somebody to fill in for me vibs is is he moved here what a couple weeks ago he's ready to rock boom Boom. He'll fill in. And Fights was Fights is always like, you do the interview. You're better than me. You need to break out. And you need to know that you can do this shit. And the way that it was like, well, you just gotta go and do it. Yes. Oh, master plan.

Yes. This is what I did. He's a motivator. He's a motivator. It all worked. Exactly as I planned. John, you said you had to sprint to serious to the point that you were like out of breath for the interview. I was. No time to worry about like, what am I gonna say? If you're listening to this, you said you had to sprint to serious to the point that you were out of breath for the interview. I was. No time to worry about what am I going to say. If you're listening to this,

you've already listened to the interview, I had to yell at Hasan to stop making me laugh because I was just coughing because I didn't have any breath. I'd run an hour ago. I'd run four blocks an hour before. That was gas. Yeah, John, but he was great on the interview,

and then whenever I saw it going to a little bit of a lull, I was like, oh, I'll ask him about how his family life is going, like his kids. And then he acted like I was just an idiot for asking him if he knew how to handle kids. He's like, of course I can handle kids. Dude, I'm 28, and I don't have my shit together. I just assumed you wouldn't have your shit together.

It's entirely possible. You're a comedian. People who are like, yeah, I know what I'm doing. No, you fucking don't. Get out of here, dude. They just give it to you. Yeah. As a kid. It's crazy that everyone's allowed to just give it to you. Yeah. As a kid.

It's crazy that people, like, everyone's allowed to procreate. All of them. That's nuts. But Hassan should be. Yeah, he's one of them. Hassan's one. But, like, the rest of the people, there should be control over this. It's crazy.

I also love, and I've been meaning to opine on this, people who are like, if you think you are, like, some sort of expert parent, like, you've got, what, maybe three of them, max? And they're yours. They're like every... Yeah, they were doing the dirty. A little baby factory. Papa fights, like pull-out game. Not great.

But if I baked three cakes, would I then be a master chef? Am I a master baker? No, man, you made three cakes, and I then be a master chef? Am I a master baker? No, man. You made three cakes, and they're just like those cakes. There's a lot of other cakes, a lot of other shit to do. You don't know what you're doing. You just made three of these things.

That's it. And also, you're only maybe even possibly considered an expert in the past. And kids keep fucking changing. Somebody asked me a question the other day. Like, if you know how to deal with a two-year-old, you don't know how to deal with a five-year-old yet. It hasn't come yet. How could you be an expert on it? Somebody was asking me about, like, when they go to two-year-old, you don't know how to deal with a five-year-old yet. It hasn't come yet. Somebody was asking me about when they go to school. I was like, I don't know. How old is the kindergartner? Four, five, six? I don't fucking

know yet. We'll find out when we get there. Alright, let's do some voicemails. They're brought to you by MVMT. You got a movement watch on? There you go. I was going to say, Vibs, we got to get you to join the movement. Too late. Already did. He's got the rose gold kind of with the brown leather band. Fresh.

MVMT needs to get into the timepiece game. I'm going to put in a call. The wristwatch, it's dominated. It's time we bring back the timepiece. I want you to whip out your pocket and be like, flip that open like it's a locket. Quarter past. The train will be here soon.

Exactly. Me and train conductors will kill the timepiece game. They have revolutionized the watch game. They got the sunglasses too. All sorts of accessories, all at an affordable price. And you can get yourself a 15% discount when you go to MVMT.com slash KFC.

It started just $95. It looks like they're about $400 or $500. Quality stuff. Look sharp. Get yourself a movie to watch. MVMT.com slash KFC. First voicemail. Let's do it. What's going on, KFC boys?

I just had a quick would you rather for you. Would you rather remember everything you ever did when you were blackout drunk, good or bad, or never remember anything anytime you ever drank? Figured it's everything so scary with the first one. I just always have to go with the second one. But I love the other thoughts. Or never remember anything anytime you ever drank. Figure it out. It's everything so scary with the first one. I just always have to go with the second one. But I love doing thoughts. I think this is pretty easy.

No, I'm not disagreeing with you. I mean, when you're blackout drunk, you're not making any good decisions. No, but also, I actually was talking about this with someone recently where I used to get drinking anxiety really bad. And like in college and stuff like that, I'd wake up and be like, what did I do last night? I'm worried you know and i don't anymore well that's natural

because when you're like a dickhead at tallahassee there's a chance you like murdered someone now at your age it's like oh did i like you know forget to plug my phone in yeah right that's why i'm taking that because it's like i am who i am now. I'm really not changing, and I'm not a guy who's – you're not going to catch me blackout at a Klan rally. I'm not going to be fucking Riley Cooper. There's not going to be a video of me screaming the N-word. I am who I am. So you're okay remembering your blackout drunk details? What I did, like I might have said –

But back in your day, what would you have chosen? I'd still choose to remember because the only time I get anxiety is when I get a text about something. Yeah. And it's like, fuck, I don't remember that at all. And it's not even asking me, like, what did you do last night? But like, hey, remember this conversation we had? I'm like, shit, I don't remember that at all. And then you guys start playing the game.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you tell me what joke I said that time? What do you think about it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got to get a play off that. I don't like that. That's the only time I'm like, shit. yeah. Can I get a play off that? I don't like that. That's the only time I'm like, shit. That's how I learned what condoms were.

Shout out to the Big Whees. He said, do you know what condoms are? I was like, yeah, why don't you tell me so I know if you know. Classic. That's how I found out. Genius. But John invented, this is the most brilliant thing maybe John has ever contributed. He invented the way to-

I feel like that gets said once an episode. Delete your text. Like his drunk text. You open it up and you look at it cross-eyed so that you can see where you need to swipe. I've done that before. But you don't actually read what you sent. Or you look at the corner of the screen so you can kind of make out what's on the screen. Yeah, absolutely.

You cross your eyes, you can see a box. And if you swipe, you can see the red. You can see the red. That's all you need. It's fucked up that you've done that. I thought I was alone. I was like, wow. What are you picking? I think I'm going to pick, I don't want to know

what I did because I am a cross-country runner and I'm constantly running away from the past. If I can just avoid it, it'll never catch up to me. If you can't remember your demons, they're not real. Exactly, yeah. That's the way I feel. I feel like I get my main thing, I don't really care. Again, I'm not going to kill somebody or do my main thing i don't really care again i'm not gonna like kill somebody

or do something horrific i don't like when i when i'm when i repeat myself like the next day yeah when you start telling a story or a joke again they're like yeah dude you told us that i'm like i hate that about myself so i kind of need to know what i have said before so i guess i gotta take that because i hate that feeling but there is something liberating about like hey remember this last night? Nope, can't do it. Magic genie won't allow me. But then people will tell you anyway.

Yeah, that's true. You're still going to live it. The only reason you want to remember is so you can be funnier. Like you don't want to read. Okay, all right. Or just not, you know, repeating yourself is a tough look. It's like, come on.

That's like the most annoying drunk thing in the world. It's incredibly frustrating. And if you repeat yourself like the next day when you're sober and you told that story drunk, you know that people know that apparently you really like this story, dude. Like your subconscious is telling me, your drunk self, your sober self. Chris Woodward did that in the, what was it,

the Friday night's game? Maybe Saturday night's game? They had him mic'd up. He's the hitting coach on the Dodgers, I think. And he went up to, I forget who it was. V oh no it was a nunez eduardo nunez and it was like hey man like you want some ice and unions was like hot because he'd fallen so many times so yeah it was saturday's game he was mic'd there to get yeah and he'd fallen so many times and he was like he was like yeah and then like the woodward still mic'd up runs over to the

office i just asked Nunez. Like, you need some ice? Yeah. It's like Frank the Tank. We get it. Frank the Tank comes in here and repeats himself every single. Shout out to Frank the Tank and his ever-broken computer. He came in here after the Dolphins coach got fired for the cocaine use.

He said he's still going to be. He was the offensive line coach. So he's still going to be coaching lines. He said it to every single person in this office. Oh, yeah. And every time he was the offensive line coach. He was still going to be coaching lines. He said it to every single person in his office. Oh, yeah. And every time he was like, nailed it. Do you tell a story to someone at their desk, and then you have to turn around and tell someone right next to you the same story?

Yeah, that's happened occasionally. But I don't do it on purpose. I finish the story, and Keith's laughing. And then Nate's like, what did you say? What did you say? And I tell him it. I'm a big fan of I will say. If I'm telling it to Vibs and I just told it to John, I'll say, I was just telling John this. So I don't have to put John through it again.

He knows that I'm repeating it and everybody knows that it's a repeat material. We got to stop drinking is the answer, though. Hey, guys, I have a question. My friend has been talking to this one guy and she had sent him a picture of her in lingerie and he responded with, I'm not into that. I was going to say, what is this, like the 1700s? And we asked our other guy friends and they said sometimes guys aren't into pictures with lingerie,

but I still think he's gay. No, no, no, no, no. This guy is straight as fuck. He wants to see your asshole. This guy is as straight as a fucking arrow. I've said it before. If you're in your underpants, if it's a boob shot or just like a butt cheek shot, put that shit on your Facebook wall for an end of the week. That's where we're at.

Put that on ABC television at 8 o'clock. That's Walt Disney shit. There's a new Disney movie coming out with Zemanel. I mean, give me a break. Make the fucking profile ass shot like your fucking Christmas card that you send to the family. I don't need that. I mean, no, don't get me wrong. A nice

lingerie or something can be fine, but it's like almost basically when you're dating and it's like, alright, let's spice this up with putting some clothes on because you should be courting me completely naked. I don't hate it. I don't hate this move. Just because I jerked off JC Penney catalogs back in the day. It's a nostalgia play, for sure.

It's deep ingrained in me. So I kind of get off on it. So I like it. The Fredericks of Hollywood. You ever see those? No. There was like Victoria's Secret. It was almost like Playboy and Victoria's Secret.

And then Penthouse was Fredericks of Hollywood. It was like, I mean, I was a young boy being like, so it's just a string up their ass, huh? That's the entire underwear. I never jerked off to magazines. By the time I got it, maybe. It's just funny because I feel like you're going backwards. Now you are jerking off to them. I was a late bloomer.

And so I guess I was just later than by the time I got to masturbation alright by the time I got to masturbation it was like

like Kazaa was around it wasn't that yeah you went right to the point but now I feel like you're buying like mature magazines yeah but I throw I spend like $200 on them

like 2am and I throw them on see like still don't think I believe that thumbing through a magazine you didn't nothing it did nothing for you I didn't I just don't think you ever did it yeah like I throw them on. See, like still don't think I believe that. Thumbing through a magazine you didn't, nothing, it did nothing for you? I didn't.

I just don't think you ever did it. Yeah, like I just didn't really do it. Like in my bathroom magazines for ESPN the magazine. Oh, okay. And GQ,

I loved in GQ the Ask the Bartender. That was like my favorite magazine bit ever. You are entirely a gay man. It's fucking, it's a fucking question and answer with a bartender about

how to like fucking talk to girls and stuff. So cool. It's not like what's the best way to with a bartender about how to like fucking talk to girls and stuff so not like what's the best way to suck a dick that is actually the gayest thing in the world it's like so how how can i convince people i like girls how do i talk to these girls while i'm trying to fuck dudes can't see fight super producer bc got a would you rather for you guys so without this talk about fall fashion and shit, here's my question. Would you rather your shirts always be two sizes too big or one size too small? John's going to – this is going to be a struggle for John, I think.

Viva. I – you have to go with big shirts. It depends what one size too small is for me. Because I'm like, am I a medium? Because I'm an LXL. I'm in that no man's land. No, you're going medium, man. Then I can't do that.

Yeah, that's the thing. I just sort of can't fit in mediums. I mean, you would look awful. Yeah. I mean, my muffin top would be a disaster. I think you can pull off big shirts if you just commit to it. If you were just like, yeah, man, this is the new hot fashion.

I can see big puffy shirts being in all of a sudden. Kanye's going to wear a shirt that's too big, and all of a sudden, it's a good thing. Kanye does wear shirts that are too big. My Yeezy sweatshirt is huge. The box t-shirts, they're wider than they are long. If you wear a shirt, unless you're in shape. No. Silence from the room. Even if you're in shape... No. Silence from the room.

Even if you're in shape, it looks ridiculous. Like that Northwestern strength. Oh, he looks like such an asshole. He looks so stupid. But I mean... You almost look worse in a tight shirt if you're in shape. Yeah, well, then you look like a tryhard, too. It's like you're doing this on purpose.

If you're big and in a tight shirt, it's just like, oh, he recently put on a couple pounds. He had a couple cakes this weekend. If you're in shape, it's like, what a fucking cunt. I feel like if you're one size too small, it gets people to go, you're chubby. That's the meanest thing of all. Yeah. I'm skinny, so if I wear two shirts too big.

Yeah, this might be different for you. I look like I have a terminal disease. Yeah. And if I go one too small, I look like I'm addicted to heroin, so it's not good for me. See, I think I might go heroin chic then, though. I think that's a top look right now. I think if you're skinny, like we used to tell Hank when he was trying to bulk up, no, no, no, go skinny and be hipster.

And I think so. I think if I were you, I would wear tank tops that were one size too small. That's gay. Yeah, you can't go tank tops. Yeah, I guess so. I was almost thinking if you're on stage, like a fucking rock star. Kid Cudi, I think, capitalized on like the skinny kind of hipster skater look. And I think that's what I need to go for.

Remember when Kanye was beefing with Wiz Khalifa and he was like, I wish I was skinny like you so I could wear those pants, man. I thought we were cool. I think if you're a normal size, you can pull off, Vibs can pull off the one size too small. The rest of us, you gotta go big. Yeah. 100% big. So we went out to dinner the other night with my boyfriend at the restaurant he works at.

And obviously he knew the waitress and the co-workers and stuff. And she was like flirting with him the entire time. Rubbing his head and his neck every time she came over. Oh, god damn. Getting in his face and whispering in his ear if he wants an appetizer. Did she blow him too? Just like weird shit like that. She winked Oh, goddamn. Did she blow him, too? Oh, that's the neatest part!

She's an anti-Semite. and I was just trying to ignore it, like pretend it wasn't happening, but obviously I can't do that. Do you think fashion's like her personality like being a flirt, or do you think she's cheating on me? Let me know. Thanks. No, I actually don't think he's cheating. I think she wants him to be cheating on you with her. If they were cheating,

it would have been ice cold. Yes. If it was cheating, she probably wouldn't even serve the table. She'd probably be like, yo, yo, yo, Eduardo, you go pick up that table. I'm going to go fucking over here. 100%, 100%.

I think that actually, so if that's her question, I think she's actually very much in the clear. I think her boyfriend is, he was probably sitting there going, texting his boy, like, yo, like, Jessica, stop fucking touching me in front of my girl. What's going on here? That is the most brazen waitress I've ever seen in my life. Down to the onions on the burger. Touching the hair and whispering is just, the winking is as blatant. You might as well jerk them off at the table.

But the onions on the burger. See, that's such chick shit, too. Because I think a guy wouldn't do this. Because girls don't have that threat of violence. Which is arguably good to not have a threat of violence looming. That kind of keeps everything in check. But if I were to, like, if I wanted to fuck a co-worker

and I was out to eat with, like, her boyfriend and her or something like that, I wouldn't be, like, touching her and shit like that. No. Because I'd be like, this guy might punch me in the face. Right, then we're going to have to, like,

brawl here. Yeah, that is... You ever work in, like, a... I have, yeah. I worked as a cook in a kitchen and, like, servers are, like, the closest group ever. Like, they're always, like, flirting with each other and all that, so I'm not... Very incest yeah. I worked as a cook in a kitchen. And like servers are like the closest group ever. Like they're always like flirting with each other and all that.

So I'm not. Very incestual. I don't think that's a big deal. But the onions on the burger is just absolute disrespect. Like she was fucking with you hard. She's probably spitting it too. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I feel like if you are a waiter, a waitress, and you're all together, like, I mean, they might be fucking.

Because I feel like they all just fuck each other. Every restaurant, I worked in one restaurant. But the, it was like everyone was having sex with each other. I mean they might be fucking because I feel like they all fuck each other I worked in one restaurant but the it's like everyone was having sex with each other I was 15 and I was like I wasn't having sex with anybody but I was like they are everyone here is fucking each other I almost feel like that doesn't count if I was that

boyfriend and she was like wow did you fuck this girl she won't stop touching you it would be like well yeah but I mean we're waiters together. Yeah, we're servers. You knew what you were getting into here. We're porn stars. Yeah, it's just work, babe.

I'm a millionaire athlete. Of course I was having sex with girls on the road. Or, yeah, we work at Applebee's together. Of course we're fucking. It's just how it goes. Hi, KFC. Feidelberg, super producer. Quick hypothetical here. So Magic Junie comes Waves his wand

You have to choose between A. Living the rest of your life Without being able to masturbate with your hands So You have to stick your dick in something Whenever you want to beat off Or do some Mind control

And Or B. You have to use your phone the rest of your life without using your hands. So understandably, you'll have to pick up your phone and things like that. It's a question of all time. But you can only use. First of all, there's just a basic necessity.

You need your phone right now. It might be straight up, flat out dangerous and irresponsible to not be able to use my phone. I'll get lost on the way home if I don't have my phone. Yeah. Listen, I got kids to feed. I got kids. What if one of these kids is dying all of a sudden? I'm trying to dial along with my toes.

Get out of here. But more importantly than that, I think we're all on the same page there. More importantly than that, we are about to enter a golden age where 20 years from now, people aren't even going to jerk off with their hands. 20? Two? I think by Christmas. Two months?

Yeah, right. Everyone's going to open their stockings and be like Oh nice, finally a fucking flashlight I think masturbation with your hands had a great run Like thousands of years However old dicks and hands are Hands have been dominating the game And then I was thinking about this the other day with razors

I feel like forever It was just like a one razor with a bick And the foam Shaving cream And then like we it was just like a one razor with the Bic and the foam shaving cream. And then like we, like when we came of age, it was like we're going to get nine blades and this gel and all that shit. Yeah. Like the shave butter from Dollar Shave Club.

And shaving got amazingly better. I feel like everyone was like, let's stop jerking off with our hands and start jerking off with things. So we're about to enter a golden age of fucking inanimate objects. So I'll take that. I golden age of fucking inanimate objects. So I'll take that. I might just take that right now anyway. You ever seen like girls do that?

Like they like open their phone with their nipple or something like that. And it's, it's fun to see, but it's, it's like totally practical. It's like, it's like vacation. It's a good time for it, but we got to get back to reality soon.

Speaking of jerking off, you're talking about jerking off in the shower earlier. You do that KFC shower. You don't fight? Almost almost everything. I mean, I live alone. I don't need... It's a grip thing you said? I can't... No, it's like it's just what I'm in. Like, I can just jerk off

in bed. Yeah, but Jon also just like comes on his belly. It's weird. Yeah. Like, I'm not... I don't... It's like the clean-up thing for me. It's like just two birds, one stone. I didn't used to be a shower jerker offer. I think that's what it is. But anyways, I started... Because it was a grip thing for me too. It's weird how similar we are. But I started putting a foot up in the shower like a Captain Morgan thing.

And it's just like you can really seriously like. No, mine wasn't grip. It was foot placement. And like you're just making it more dangerous. No, no, no, no. You have one foot on the, I mean, that's reckless. I'll tell you what I do. I just stand fucking there and I jerk off. Like you guys are making it way too complicated.

You're worried about falling you're worried about posing fucking like Bateman style in the mirror I just put both my feet on the ground point them straight forward nice like shoulder width apart and I jerk off that's not fun though it's pretty fun and plus like I

I've perverted my mind to the point where like I mean I can rarely, if necessary, I will go with just memory. But I like to... Oh, see, John, the thing is, my mind is the most perverted thing out there. I've been jerking off recently,

and I'll be in my bed. Oh, good. I'll be in my, like, couple hours recently. No, I'll be in my bedroom, and I'll just be in the moment, and then whenever it's done, I'll start listening, and then I can just hear like the fucking tv and it'll be like fucking Phil Simms and then like arguing the snap back to reality when there's when there's like

something on the tv that should be there I recently watched uh I got I went down a little rabbit hole on Pornhub of um snapchat porn yep I guess I'm late to the party judging by your reactions I mean I know I'm not a huge fan of it. I know it. It's just very funny. Like, they have, like, the, you know, like, the fox ears and her, like, voices all high. Yeah, that's not me. No, I mean, it's a novelty.

Yeah. But there's just something new all the time. It's an ever-changing world. Last Voicemail of the Day is brought to you by SeatGeek. You want to go see, oh, no, the Red Sox already won. The baseball season's over. The Yankees didn't win theGeek. You want to go see, oh, no, the Red Sox already won. Baseball season's over. The Yankees didn't win the World Series. You want to go see the Yankees next April?

You can start planning for it now. I don't know. Maybe. You're going to want to watch that team. Who knows? You want to go watch the Patriots or one of these other Boston teams are probably going to go win the goddamn championship. Vibs, so you're an Indianapolis guy?

Yep. So you're a Colts fan? No. Pacers. Go Pacers IU basketball. Don't like the Colts. Just not a Colts fan. Okay.

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sporting events, music, comedians, Broadway, the whole nine. SeatGeek, promo code KFC for $10 off today. Last voicemail. What do we got? What's up, KFC? Fights. Super producer BC.

So I got a little situation. I have a pretty hard rule in my life about not getting involved in other people's lives. It's been working out for 22 years. I have this friend, right? Good girl. Pretty much a smoke. We'll give her a solid seven and a half.

She's hung up on this dude who she's totally out of his league for whatever reason. They dated before and for whatever reason, they're still friends. Don't know how you do that, but they are. And, uh, he's just not that into her. And on top of that, like if you had to pick two movies to describe this girl's life, it would be 27 Dresses and He's Not That Into You. She's been in the last

10 weddings I've been to. She's been either the bridesmaid or one of the maid of honors or whatever. What do I... I feel like it's my responsibility to get this girl over to this guy.

So what do I tell her? Absolutely not. Because I've talked to the dude. You can't convince any of these girls of these things. You cannot convince anybody of anything. Actually, that's it, the end of the statement. You can't convince anybody of anything. Everybody has to arrive at a conclusion on their own.

It sounds like an exception. You can't give someone an idea. No. You have to – it has to be subtly planted. Because we talked about it before with relationships and hard love and stuff like that. If you bring forth an alternate opinion, all it's going to do is drive home their belief. They're going to rally against you. It's like, oh, I have an opponent now.

Now not only am I in love with this person, I'm playing against you to prove how right I am. Yep. It's like a Chinese finger trap. The harder you pull, the more it stays. It's like if you're trying to get someone to stop drinking, they need to bottom out. Like an addict needs to, like, OD before they're like, all right, I got to stop this shit. You can't convince some girl that this guy is not right for her until she like finally sees it for herself. So just don't even get involved.

Yeah. Now, it sounds like this guy wants to like fuck this girl. So he's probably like leave him and focus on me. But that's not going to work because then you just seem pathetic. Then you'll hit a chump. She's going to hate you less. You need to be like that. You should date that dude.

Right. Yeah. Fuck him. Yeah. One of the facts I'm hung up on is they've been to 10 weddings together. Yeah. I also think this guy might be gay. is they've been to 10 weddings together. Yeah. I also think this guy might be gay. That was such a Southern thing. I don't think they were 10. I think they were

at 10 weddings together. Not like they weren't as dates, but like it's that's so the last 10 weddings I went to. Why are you going to 10 weddings? He's 22. I went to 22 years. I went to four weddings this year. That's the most I'll ever go to in a calendar year. And that was too many. Yeah, these Southerners, they're idiots. I was hoping that they went to four weddings this year. That's the most I'll ever go to in a calendar year. And that was too many.

Yeah, these Southerners, they're idiots. I was hoping that they went to ten weddings together. And I've really been trying to, I want to get back to our roots of just telling callers that their boyfriends are the guy and the situation is gay. So, I'm going to go with that. This guy's gay. Book it. Today's episode was brought to you by SimpliSafe. You can never count out the underdog.

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